Archive of Our Own ^beta

Maybe for the first time since since it's establishment, the Armed Detective Agency was taken over complete silence. The only sounds in the office were made by the fans, and other electronics. Everything was still silent, and the Agency members were completely subdued.

It all started about two hours ago, when Kunikida got a phone call from the hospital associated with the Agency. The receptionist asked him to send someone as a representative of the Agency to receive some really bad news on everybody's behalf. 

Of course, everyone suggested that it should be Kunikida who goes, tight knots lodged in their stomachs at the mention of 'bad news'. Especially from a hospital. It obviously means somebody was hurt.

As soon as Kunikida left, everyone obviously put their heads together to figure out who might be hurt. It was obviously someone from the Agency. A quick look around made it clear that most of the Agency members were right there. The only ones who weren't were the Tanizaki siblings and Dazai.

Atsushi called Tanizaki immediately, who fortunately answered the call once. The ginger confirmed that both him and his sister were safe. So, that ruled them out as being in the hospital. So, by the process of elimination, Dazai was most likely to be the one in the hospital.

Atsushi definitely found it difficult to believe, but who else could it be? Maybe one of his suicide attempts had gone extra 'right' and he was actually badly injured. Everyone figured he'd be fine and up on his annoying two feet soon enough. 

Yosano, the expert in all matter related to death, was very convinced that Dazai wasn't the person to die so easily. He'd be fine. Right?

Not right. When Kunikida returned from the hospital, he was deathly pale. He looked absolute sickly, and in shock, as if someone had just told him that ideals were suddenly banned or something. The Agency members were more worried at the sight of him, to say the least.

After a lot of coaxing on Yosano's part, Kunikida finally spilled the beans and told everyone what he'd found out.

Dazai Osamu, was dead. 

Everyone's first reaction was to laugh, and tell Kunikida to stop joking. But, the idealist didn't look like he was joking at all. He looked faint, as if he'd burst into tears any moment now. So then, his news must be true. That means Dazai is actually dead.

Everybody had varied reactions, and oh, so many questions.

Was it suicide? Did he finally succeed, his investment in The Complete Guide to Suicide actually working out?
(No.)

How can you be sure, Kunikida-san? Maybe he's fine and managed to convinced the doctors to lie for him!
(I saw his body, Atsushi-kun. He had no pulse, and wasn't breathing. His heart was silent.)

When...?
(Earlier today morning, according to the nurse.)

The Agency members also felt unbelievably guilty. Dazai had been missing from work for a week, but they had passed it off as his usual antics. Maybe if they had looked more into it... Maybe if they had tried reaching out to him, calling him, this wouldn't have happened. 

Maybe if they had sent out a search party for him, like they had done when Atsushi had gone missing. Ranpo, more serious than anyone had ever seen him before, was quick to convince everyone that their search party could never have any hope of finding Dazai. He had hidden from the Port Mafia for two years, after all. 

Everyone felt absolutely sick. Nobody had ever expected this in their wildest dreams. How was in possible?! That Dazai, Dazai Osamu, who didn't even die during the Apple Suicide incident, was dead now?

Atsushi had curled up on Dazai's couch, crying his eyes out. Tanizaki and Naomi had gotten to the office as soon as they had heard about the phone call from the hospital. Even Kenji, the usually happy child, had no usual smile on his face.

Yosano sat still in shock, right next to Kunikida, who was in the same condition. Kyouka had found herself a spot by the window, silent as usual. Her eyes were glossy with tears, but so were everybody's else's.

It took them a while before someone asked the most relevant question.

It came from Yosano, "Kunikida-kun. How did he die then?"

It took Kunikida a few seconds to regain his senses. He frowned, answering in a slightly shaky voice, "Murder. He was assassinated. Poison, according to the autopsy report."

The silence in the room became even more deafening at the admission.

Ranpo spoke up slowly, "Dazai was assassinated? How's that possible?"

Yosano nodded, "He managed to avoid getting killed by Fyodor; there's no way anyone else can take him out."

Atsushi thought out loud, his voice mournful, and his self unaware that he was speaking, "What if it was betrayal? What if it was someone Dazai-san never expected?"

The room became silent again. Atsushi, who realised a little too late that he had spoken aloud, started out of his grief stricken headspace, "Oh. I'm sorry. Did I say that aloud?"

Yosano murmured, "Yes, but you have a point. How else would someone manage to kill Dazai?"

Kunikida said thoughtfully his fingers clenched around his diary, "Who could it be then? It can't be one of us."

Tanizaki spoke up hesitantly, "What if it was someone from the Port Mafia? It's highly possible that a mafioso had an unresolved grudge against him."

Ranpo said thoughtfully, "It's possible, but I doubt someone from even the Mafia could take him out."

Everyone was silent for a while. It was Yosano who spoke up next, "Nakahara Chuuya. It has to be him. Kenji-kun, don't you remember, how he talked about Dazai with hatred when we fought against him? And we know that he's strong. If anybody can manage to assassinate Dazai without direct suspicion, it has to be him."

Kenji frowned, "I don't know, Sensei. He seemed quite nice to me."

Atsushi, not himself with all his sorrow, spoke against him, "To be fair, you think everybody is nice. He is a mafioso! There is no way he's nice. I'm sure it was him who killed Dazai-san."

Kunikida muttered, "Kid, you're pinning the blame rather quickly. Careful there."

Despite his warnings, everyone couldn't help but think of the implications. There was no doubt that Chuuya was a very capable fighter, even sans his ability. If Dazai was to be killed by the Mafia, he would be the logical choice. Plus, they used to be partners. So maybe Dazai still had some faith left in his old partner.

Maybe Dazai didn't see the attack coming. Poor Dazai, everyone thought. To be betrayed by someone he probably trusted at some point. To be assassinated by that person. They couldn't imagine how awful it must be.

But Dazai had betrayed the Mafia too. He had turned traitor. It was quite possible that Chuuya held a grudge against him for this reason. Maybe this murder was the gravity manipulator's way of getting revenge. Of setting things right. It made sense, when thought over carefully.

Somewhere between hours of the Agency members contemplating over their grief, and their detective brains desperately grasping at straws of clues to figure out the assassin, it was unnoticed by everyone when a certain someone crept up to their office doors. Their footsteps weren't soft or anything, either.

The door burst open sometime in the afternoon, a redhead with short stature standing at the entryway, "Hey, you Agency motherfuckers!"

Chuuya faltered when he saw the absurd stillness in the office, "Uh, what's going on here? Why so gloomy?"

Yosano stood up immediately, and within seconds her hatchet was against Chuuya's throat. She hissed, "It was you, wasn't it? You killed him. It was you."

It didn't take Chuuya much effort to get away from her. But after that, he decided to perch on top of the tall wardrobes while having the conversation he was here of, just to avoid conflict.

He looked down at Yosano, "Whoa, you need to calm the fuck down. What are you talking about?"

Yosano threw a knife at him, which the latter easily dodged, "Don't play fool with me! It was you who killed him."

Chuuya looked at Kunikida in confusion, "I have no idea what she's talking about. Hey Blondie, what's going on here? You guys look like someone died."

And oh, if only Chuuya knew that he had hit the nail right on the head.

Kunikida managed to hold Yosano back and cleared his throat, "A better question, I believe, would be your purpose of being here at this hour, Nakahara."

Chuuya floated back down to the floor, "Right, I forgot about that. Have any of you assholes seen Dazai? I haven't seen him in a while, and I just got a phone call from some stupid doctor that he's apparently dead or something? As if that would happen!"

Kunikida and Yosano exchanged confused glances. The latter of them scoffed, "Don't pretend that it wasn't you who killed him, Nakahara."

Chuuya blinked. Once. Twice. Then he gaped at her, "Have you lost your fucking mind? Seriously, have you actually lost it?"

Atsushi spoke up meekly, "I think someone should really start explaining things around here."

Kunikida looked at the weretiger sort of gratefully before turning back to the mafia executive, "We were informed a few hours ago that Dazai is indeed dead. I went to the hospital, and I saw his body. He is, undoubtedly, deceased."

Chuuya blinked, "Eh?! That makes zero sense. So, the nurse bitch who called me wasn't lying?"

Atsushi asked the most obvious question, "Why would the nurse call Dazai-san's assassin to give him the news? Don't tell me! The nurses are working with you?!"

Chuuya rolled his eyes, "Oh, will you give it up already? I didn't kill that bastard. Although, I wish I had."

Kunikida asked, his voice made of steel, "How do we believe you? You have every reason to kill him, him being a traitor to your organisation."

Chuuya waved his hands in dismissal, "Yeah, yeah. But I have more reasons to not kill him. For one, I would be the prime suspect in a murder case by the government. Hey, what was the murder weapon?"

Yosano responded in confusion, "Um. Poison?"

Chuuya snorted, "Exactly! I would definitely not murder him with poison. Besides, a poison murder makes me the prime suspect in court, and I'd rather not deal with the hassle. Besides, if I killed him, he would most certainly not be at the hospital."

Kunikida declared, "I don't understand you."

Chuuya sighed, "Fine, fine. If you insist on being that stupid. There, Kunikida-kun, I want you to find that asshole's employee records and go to the personal details page, okay?"

Atsushi whimpered from the couch, "Chuuya-san, please avoid bad mouthing the dead!"

Chuuya scoffed, "God damn, kid. He isn't dead. Your shitty mentor is just fine."

Kunikida said sternly as he proceeded to find Dazai's records as instructed, "I don't know what you're playing at, but I won't let you disrespect our employee. He's dead, I saw so myself."

Before Chuuya could retort, the blond man had opened Dazai's employee records, the personal details page to be specific, "Now what?"

Chuuya rolled his eyes, "Now, look at the 'Name of Spouse' field, dumbass."

It took Kunikida two seconds to do so. He spluttered when he finally saw what Chuuya meant, "What?! This can't be... This can't be correct!"

Yosano asked curiously, "What is it?"

Kunikida's face had gone paler than when he'd discovered of his co-worker's death, "It says that Nakahara is Dazai's spouse."

For a few seconds, nobody spoke. Then, despaired cries rung out through out the room.

Atsushi cried out, "Dazai-san was married to you?!"

Chuuya growled at him, "Is married to me, damn it!"

Yosano gasped, "We didn't know he was married! No wonder the hospital called you to inform of his passing!"

Chuuya screeched, "He isn't dead, I'm telling you!"

Ranpo just sat there in silence, disappointed that he hadn't figured this out, despite it being right in the employee records. President had told him not to go through Dazai's records, and he'd obeyed, of course.

Tanizaki murmured, "I can't believe Dazai-san was married, and we had no idea."

Naomi wailed, "He was such a good person! I can't believe he's gone!"

Atsushi cried right along with her, "I know! I miss him so much! Dazai-san, please come back. Please."

Chuuya glared at them, "Fucking hell, why won't you guys listen to me?! The bastard isn't dead! Also have you lost your minds; calling him a good person?! He's the shittiest person to walk this Earth, damn it!"

Atsushi screeched hysterically, "Chuuya-san, please! Don't bad mouth the dead!"

Kunikida walked over to the executive and offered him a hand shake, "I am truly sorry for your loss, Nakahara-san. If we had known, we wouldn't have accused you. I can't imagine what you're going through right now."

Yosano nodded next to him, "Yes. Losing a spouse, it must be so difficult. I'm so sorry for accusing you of his murder. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions."

Chuuya was seething by now, "I'm going to fucking crash this building to the ground. Everyone shut the fuck up!"

Everyone must have felt the executive's rage, because they all quietened down slowly. It was terrifying, the power Chuuya held. 

Once the room was back to being morbidly silent, minus a few sniffles here and there, Chuuya spoke, "Finally, god damn. Okay, let's start one at a time. Firstly, yes I am married to that asshole, and I swear to god if you apologize for my loss or whatever."

He sent a glare towards Atsushi, Kunikida and Yosano before speaking again, "If the bastard was actually dead, it would be a gain, damn it! He isn't that special to be considered a loss to me."

Atsushi mumbled, "But he was your husband."

Chuuya glared at him some more, "Okay and? I love the fucker, but he still isn't fucking dead! How do you figure he's dead anyway?"

Kunikida replied, "I saw his body."

Chuuya scoffed, "Okay, what's your point? So have I, several times, in fact."

Atsushi let out a wail, "Chuuya-san!"

Yosano regarded him with critical eyes, "Nakahara, I understand he was your husband, but please refrain making such jokes about somebody who is dead."

Chuuya clenched his fists, "He isn't fucking dead. Besides, answer my fucking question. How do you figure he's dead?"

Kunikida cleared his throat, "Well for one, I made the hospital do a DNA check. It's definitely Dazai. He had no pulse, he wasn't breathing and he didn't move an inch for the whole twenty minutes I was with... Him."

Chuuya scoffed immediately, "Exactly my point! He isn't dead."

The Agency members exchanged concerned glances. Now that they knew that Chuuya was married to their late co-worker, his reaction was more concerning than offensive. The mafia executive was obviously in the first stage of grief: Denial.

Kunikida spoke to him calmly, "Nakahara-san, you're in denial. Would you like me to book you an appointment with the Agency's therapist connections? I'm sure therapy will be very helpful during this difficult phase of your life."

Chuuya choked and spluttered, "I don't- I don't need therapy! I'm telling you he isn't dead. He's my husband, and I know him better than you sorry fuckers. He's fine!"

Yosano spoke sadly as she touched Chuuya's shoulder, "Nakahara, it's going to be okay. We're here for you; we're all in this together."

Chuuya groaned, "Oh my fucking god. You guys are actually hopeless. I'm out of here. Call me when you realise the bastard isn't dead."

Of course, nobody could stop the gravity manipulator as he huffed and puffed while walking out of the Agency offices, his footsteps on the ceiling echoing through the room. They felt sorry for the poor man. Losing his spouse at such a young age; it truly must be so hard for him. He was a widower, at the mere age of twenty two. It was truly heart-breaking.

The next day, Chuuya was working through his paperwork in his office, when Akutagawa dropped by after knocking. The boy coughed, "Um, Chuuya-san. Do you have a minute?"

Chuuya looked up, "Yeah. What's up?"

Akutagawa slid over an envelope, "This came for you. It's from the Agency."

Chuuya looked at the thing suspiciously before opening it carefully. A minute later, after he was done reading the enclosed card, he swore aloud, "This is bullshit!"

Akutagawa asked, "What is?"

Chuuya groaned, "This card! It's an invitation to that shitty Dazai's funeral. They already called me ten times yesterday asking for my help to plan the event. I told them I want nothing to do with this, damn it!"

Akutagawa stilled, "Funeral? Did you just say funeral?"

Chuuya explained impatiently, "Yeah. Apparently, the Agency thinks Dazai is dead just because they saw his lifeless body at the hospital. And they're holding a funeral to say their goodbyes later today. And I'm invited apparently."

Akutagawa spoke again, his voice tinged with slight horror, "Dazai-san is dead."

Chuuya snapped, "No, he isn't! God, fucking hell."

Akutagawa bowed respectfully, understanding his superior's state of denial, "You should attend the funeral, Chuuya-san. It'll give you closure. You don't want to have regrets later, do you?"

Something about the younger boy's tone of voice resonated within Chuuya. Maybe he was reminded of the deaths of his past friends, whom he had lost to assassinations. He never got to say goodbye to most of them. 

Chuuya sighed, "You!! Fine. I'll go that bastard's made-up funeral. Would you like to come too?"

Akutagawa bowed once again before leaving the room, "If you please, Chuuya-san."

So, that was that.

A few hours later, Akutagawa found himself at his old mentor's funeral, next to his current superior, who seemed to be pissed off at everything and everyone. It was just his denial, as Akutagawa could tell.

The location of the funeral was simple. There were two rows of pews on the sides, with a strip of unoccupied floor between them. In the front, there was Dazai-san casket in front of the altar. There was hundred of candles lit on a suitable candle stand on the left. There was also bouquets of flowers everywhere.

The Agency had done well, planning a funeral this beautiful on such short notice. All the members were already seated, when the two Mafia members arrived.

Kunikida approached them as soon as they stepped foot into the location, "Nakahara, Akutagawa. We're really glad you could make it. I know this isn't easy. Especially for you, Nakahara-san."

Chuuya, who had gotten the memo that none of these assholes were going to believe him, stopped trying to convince them that his husband wasn't actually dead. He just hummed in response, "I'm perfectly fine, thanks though."

Kunikida found Akutagawa a seat before taking Chuuya all the way to the front, "We reserved you a seat at the front. Nakahara-san, we also wanted to ask you something."

Chuuya rolled his eyes, "Alright. What is it?"

Kunikida asked solemnly, trying to sugarcoat his words, "Since you were Dazai's husband, the decision of an open-casket ceremony is up to you. Should we be doing a open-casket ceremony? You must be aware of his wishes."

Chuuya suppressed a groan before casually walking up to the casket, "I don't know. Hold on. Let me see."

Much to everyone's shock and horror, the Executive leaned down and pressed his ear against the casket. A few seconds later, he raised his head and snorted, "Yeah, I don't think you want to open this casket if you want to continue pretending the bastard is dead. Let it remain shut."

In any other circumstance, everybody wouldn't have been offended. Chuuya did sound rather disrespectful to the deceased right now, after all. But they understood; it was just the mafioso's grief and denial that was making him act out. When his husband's death truly sunk in, he was sure to be heartbroken and in tears.

Of course, being Dazai's spouse, Chuuya did request for a closed-casket ceremony, so that's what would be done. For the next hour, a minister carried out the funeral ceremony, reciting the holy rites and other stuff.

Once all that was done, the minister gave up the stage to anybody who wanted to speak about the man who had departed ahead of them. Of course, all the Agency members wanted to say something. Considering, they were the only ones at the intimate funeral, other than Chuuya and Akutagawa, it made sense for everyone to say something if they wanted to.

Kunikida went first, "I never imagined that it would come to this. Dazai always talked of suicide, but nobody expected him to ever die. Least of murder. He might not have been a great employee, but he was a good friend. I can't bring myself to say any more. Dazai, I am truly glad to have been able to met you. You will always be remembered."

Everyone sniffled softly as Kunikida resumed his seat.

Next it was Atsushi's turn. of course, the weretiger bawled his way through his speech, "Dazai-san was truly a great mentor. The best! He changed my life. He gave me a home, a job, and introduced me to knew friends. I am what I am today because of him, even though it's not much. Dazai-san, I am forever thankful for everything you have done for me! I'll never forget you! I miss you so much already. You have taught me so much, and I deeply admire your skills and..."

He broke down into incoherent sobs after that, unable to continue. Everyone just looked at him sympathetically, fulling understanding of what he was going through. Yosano went up and brought him back to his seat before going up to the podium for her own speech.

"I'm lucky to be able to say that I had a fairly good friendship with Dazai. We went drinking once in a while. I considered us as close. Of course, his death came as such a shock. He was a funny guy to be around, in an annoying way. I truly did like him, and his company. He was a genius too, as most of us know. His intelligence is truly admirable. 

Other than that, he and I shared very close experiences regarding a certain person. I won't get into that now, however. There's no need to dampen the mood even further. Oi Dazai, next time we meet, let's have a blast, wherever we are, no matter what."

It didn't seem possible, but Atsushi sobbed harder at Yosano's speech. Kyouka, who was sitting next to him, patted his shoulder, in an attempt to console him.

It was her turn next, "I am grateful for Dazai-san's guidance. Especially before I joined the Agency. He's the one who showed me that I can still be a good person, despite my crimes. I hope you're finally happy now, Dazai-san. Until next time."

Her speech was short and sweet, as expected. But it didn't fail to tug at everyone's heart strings. Especially at the "I hope you're happy now" part. Dazai had never truly been happy when he was alive, was he? Maybe now that he had achieved his dream of dying, he'd finally find peace. Just maybe.

The Tanizaki siblings gave their speech together, talking about how Dazai-san was always an interesting person to be around and how even though he acted like a nuisance most of the time, they truly did love his companionship. They then went on to talk about how Dazai never failed to make them laugh, even in truly trying times. 

Naomi cried the end of the speech, when she said, "I wish I had the chance to talk to him more. Out of everyone here, I think I'm the only one who didn't get to talk to him as much. I wish I just had another chance to say hello to him, and hear him sing the double suicide song."

Kenji talked about how Dazai had lunch with him at Café Uzumaki often enough, the older of them ditching work. He then went on to say that out of all the city people, Dazai-san intrigued him the most, in a good way. He was so entertaining and funny all the time. Kenji frowned at the last part of his speech, "It sucks we won't ever get to see him again. I'll miss having him around. Dazai-san, I'm sure we'll meet again someday!"

Ranpo was the last Agency member to speak, "Dazai was one of the few people who could keep up with me. It was rarely boring with him. I think we understood each other. Plus, he didn't steal my candy, so brownie points. The President has been away overseas for important government work, and he's been informed of Dazai's death. 

I don't know if he's seen the message yet, but if he were here, he'd talk about how happy he is with his decision to employ Dazai. The President truly liked him, and both of us will miss having having him. That will be all."

Once all the Agency members were done with their speeches, Kunikida turned tot he Port Mafia members expectantly. 

Chuuya scoffed, "I'm not giving a speech for that bastard. Akutagawa, you want to say something, right? You should do it."

Of course, everyone wasn't too keen on Chuuya's attitude but they decided to leave him alone. He was just in denial. He'd probably regret it once the realisation sunk in. His husband was, irrevocably, dead after all.

Akutagawa walked over to the podium gingerly, "Dazai-san recruited me to work for the mafia. It was because of him I was able to earn a living, and provide for my sister. He gave the two of us a home. We might not have been on the best terms, on his part, but I will always be grateful for everything he has done for me.

That is all I wanted to say. However, I believe, out of all of us here, Chuuya-san was the one who knew him the most. Chuuya-san, please give a speech."

Kunikida nodded in agreement, "Yes, please, Nakahara-san. It would be appropriate."

Chuuya groaned loudly from his front seat, "Jeez! I keep telling you guys the bastard isn't dead. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?! But fine, I'll give a fucking speech if you want it so badly."

He stomped his way to the podium ad glared at everyone in front of him, "Right. Should I play along with your little charade or do you want me to speak my honest opinion?"

Atsushi replied hesitantly, "Your honest opinion...?"

Chuuya huffed, "Well then, you asked for it! Look, the shitty beanpole is my husband and like Akutagawa said, I know him the best. And I'm telling you, as his fucking partner, that he is not fucking dead."

Akutagawa could be heard choking in the background, clearly not aware that his executive was married to his now late ex-mentor.

Kunikida spoke softly, his tone pleading, "Nakahara, this a funeral for Dazai. I know this is hard for you, but please, you might want to speak your true feelings. You might regret it later, when realisation sinks in and you realise that your husband is not with us anymore."

Chuuya sighed, "Fine. You want me to play along to this ridiculous charade? I'll do it."

He started with his proper, 'charade' version of the speech, "I've known Dazai for seven years now. I hated him for one, we were dating for two, and married for four. He's an asshole, but I've loved him ever since I've realised what love is. 

The bastard is very precious to me, always will be. He's irreplaceable to me. More than a mere friend or a husband, he's my partner. In crime and in life. We're a team; we have each other's backs, no matter what. We trust each other with our lives more than we trust ourselves. We save each other.

We corrupt ourselves, knowing the other will always be there to build us back up. Over the years, we've laughed over the stupidest things, and we have definitely cried a lot. We've been through a lot together.

That shitty beanpole means everything to me. Some say love's for show, but I'd willingly die for him secret, on any given day. I'd do anything if it meant I could see him once more, get called a hat rack by him, punch him in annoyance. But like you assholes keep saying, he's gone. He isn't coming back.

So, shitty Dazai, I won't say goodbye. You know why? Because I'll see you again really soon. Sooner than you know."

He stopped after that, his eyes misting just a little. Everybody else in the room was holding back their breaths, their stomachs churning with sorrow for the now widower. It looked like Chuuya had finally gotten over his denial. But oh, to give such a beautiful speech!

Atsushi was definitely crying even more now, but pretty much everybody had tears in their eyes now. They hadn't even known Dazai was married until yesterday. But now, to see his widower give such a beautiful speech in his honour... It was more than they could take.

A very choked up Kunikida asked the question everybody had forgotten to pay attention to, "What do you mean you'll see him again, Nakahara-san? You're not planning to commit suicide, are you?!"

Chuuya scoffed, "As if! Who do you take me for? That asshole husband of mine?!"

Atsushi whimpered, "Then... What did you mean?"

Chuuya grinned, "The bastard is here. So, of course, I'll be seeing him now, which is pretty soon, don't you think?"

Oh for fuck's sake! Just when they had all thought that Chuuya had finally come terms with reality! That was obviously not the case. Chuuya was still in denial. Oh, that poor man...

Kunikida said sternly, sounding rather funny since he was so choked up, "Nakahara-san, please! You have to come terms with reality. Dazai isn't with us anymore! He's gone! You won't be seeing him ever again."

It was a bit harsh, but maybe that tactic would work on Chuuya and get the fact into his head. Before anybody else could speak up in agreement, however, a very familiar voice sounded from behind the rows of pews.

The cheerful voice spoke, accompanied by footsteps down the aisle, "Now, now, Kunikida-kun. Let's not berate my wife now, eh? He isn't wrong, after all~"

...

...

Oh fuck. Chuuya's denial was clearly contagious. Not only that, the others had now been infected by his hallucinations as well. This was truly an intense form of grief amongst the group.

Everyone, however, did turn to face the newcomer in the room. Of course, it was the man who was supposed to be the casket in front of them. Dazai Osamu, in all his wonderful glory, stood amongst them.

Atsushi whispered, "I think... I think I'm hallucinating."

Kunikida spoke right back, "You see him too?"

Dazai rolled his eyes as he walked over to the podium and draped himself over his husband, "None of you are hallucinating, don't worry. It's actually me."

Chuuya scoffed in annoyance, "And they wouldn't believe me when I said you weren't dead. Something about me being in denial or whatever. How annoying!"

Dazai grinned at his co-workers, "Come on, guys. Of course, my darling chibi mafioso husband knows me better than all of you?"

It was the jab that coerced everyone into easy acceptance of Dazai's survival. They all shot up to their feet immediately.

Atsushi ran forward in desperation and poked Dazai's hand, "Dazai-san! You're alive! I'm so happy, oh!"

Dazai raised his hand and placed it on the kid's head, "Thank you, Atsushi-kun."

Atsushi just sobbed and moved to the side as Yosano pushed her way forward and punched Dazai, "What the fuck, Dazai! You have a lot of explaining to do, asshole."

Chuuya warned, "Careful, he's hurt. Don't touch him too much."

Dazai winced, "Um yeah, Chibi isn't wrong. Also yes, Yosano-san, I will explain everything."

Kyouka and Kenji rushed over too, giving the excessively bandaged man a light hug. Kenji sparkled, "I'm so glad you're okay, Dazai-san!"

Kyouka nodded, "I don't understand what's happening, but I am glad to see you."

Ranpo just came over and gave the man of honour a high five as a congratulations on being alive before going back to seat. Of course, he muttered loud enough on his way back to his seat, "And I gave such a sweet speech and everything too."

Chuuya overheard that and yelled at his husband, who was still leaning against him for support, "Ah, yes! I gave such a cute speech and everything too. You were totally standing outside and listening to our speeches, weren't you?"

Dazai grinned, "I didn't heard anybody else's, but I did hear yours. I was... Ah, released a bit later than expected."

Chuuya seemed to understand him perfectly. He frowned, wrapping an arm around the other to support him better, "Be more careful, idiot."

Dazai sing-songed, "Yes, wifey~"

Kunikida interrupted their disgusting display with an excessive clearing of his throat, "Dazai. Care to explain what's going on?"

Chuuya piped in before Dazai could speak, "Yeah, you owe everyone an explanation, but let's go sit first, yeah?"

Dazai winced, before his expression changed to something lighter, "No, that's okay! I'm fine standing."

Chuuya looked at him questioningly, because stepping back a little and scanning his body with his eyes. He cursed as his eyes zero'ed in on his partner's stomach, "Fucker, how did you manage that?!"

Dazai just looked at him forlornly, after a few seconds of silent conversation, Chuuya let out an exaggerated sigh before picking the other up in a princess carry and depositing him on the front row of the pews. Everyone else in the room just stared and gaped at them, of course.

Once Dazai was seated, they realised that they were supposed to crowd around him for the explanation. So, they did just that. Once they were all assembled, around him, Dazai finally started.

He sighed, "Well, there's not much to explain, really. I was abducted about a week ago, and poisoned repeatedly. A new form of torture, or something. Why don't people understand?! I like suicide, not pain."

Chuuya scoffed, "No wonder I haven't seen you in a week. Bullshit, methinks."

Dazai whipped his head around to glare at him, "You can't say that! 'Methinks' is my thing!"

Chuuya stuck his tongue out at his partner, "Well, I stole it!"

Dazai whined, "You are so mean to me!"

Chuuya glared at him, "Baby, you just made everyone think you're fucking dead. Like bro, what?!"

Yosano interrupted, "Exactly. Can you guys please explain now?"

Dazai jerked back, as if he was just rudely reminded that he wasn't with his husband alone, "Right. It was most likely Fyodor's side group, who had abducted me. Of course, I stayed to receive intel. Once they realised they couldn't get any information from me, they decided to poison me again and send me to the hospital, for some reason.

Something about them being taken off suspicion or something? I don't know honestly. They were all a bunch of stupid idiots. They took me from that stuffy casket during transit, when they realised I was still alive. It took longer to get out of there and make it here that expected. That's about it, methinks."

Everybody was, of course, left shell shocked like normal people while Chuuya just rolled his eyes, "You are so stupid."

Before a disgustingly cute argument could break out again, Kunikida spoke, flabbergasted, "But! Your heart wasn't beating! And you weren't breathing!"

Dazai grinned tiredly, "Oh that? I can stop my heartbeat on will. And I can go about thirty minutes without breathing. Easy."

Chuuya laughed, "Yeah, we trained so hard to do that when we were younger. I can go about an hour without breathing."

Dazai grumbled, "That's because of your ability!

Chuuya just grinned teasingly, "Don't be a sore loser, shitty beanpole."

The horror was evident on everybody's faces, at Dazai's admission. What kind of psychopath can manipulate their heartbeat on will?! And how the fuck do both of Double Black go without breathing for so long?! Especially Chuuya! An hour?!

Of course, they didn't know about Chuuya's past or anything. They had the full right to be shocked. But that was okay. They didn't need to know shit. Double Black were absolutely magnificent in every way imaginable anyway.

The Agency members had realised that they should avoid asking any further questions. At least for now, even if it's just for the sake of their sanity and decent enough mental health.

Atsushi was the one who broke the silence, "Um, I think we all should go now. Dazai-san is clearly not well, so we can continue talking about this later."

Yosano stood up and nodded, "I agree. We can discuss Fyodor and and his ridiculous crimes some other time. Dazai has clearly been through a lot, so we should leave him be."

Everybody agreed immediately, and within the next five minutes, they had all deserted the location. Now, Dazai and Chuuya just remained by themselves, in front of an empty casket.

Chuuya sighed to his partner, "You could have just let me rescue you sooner. You're actually in a lot of pain, aren't you?"

Dazai dropped his smile, now that there was no one to put up a show for, "Fuck yeah. It hurts like a fucking bitch. Too much poison in my bloodstream as we speak, Chibikko."

The redhead knocked on the other's head with his knuckles softly, "Hey, you're gonna be okay."

Dazai sighed, "Yeah, of course."

Chuuya hummed, "Yeah. Why are you so fucking stupid? You really didn't have to go through all of this for some information."

The detective said thoughtfully, "I think it's important I did, Slug."

Chuuya just frowned, "If you say so. Anyway, doesn't matter now. Let's get you home. I stocked up on poison remedies."

His partner laughed weakly as Chuuya lifted him up once again and carried him to his car, "You know me best, of course."

Chuuya snorted, "You better never forget that, asshole."

Dazai gave him a genuine smile as he put on the passenger's seat, "I could never."

His partner gave him a fond smile in return before getting into his side of the car. For the next minutes, neither of them said anything as they drove towards their shared home.

A while later, Dazai broke the silence with an evil, teasing laugh, "Ne Chuuya, some say love's for show, but you'd die for me in secret, huh? I can't believe you quoted Taylor Swift in your speech for your dead husband!"

Chuuya groaned, "Ugh, will you shut up! I wish you were dead, damn it!"

Dazai just grinned happily, "Don't lie, Chuuya~"

"I'm not lying, oi!!"