Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Luke's POV

"Luke, wake up!" A voice calls out to me disturbing my, fairly rocky, sleep. I slowly blink opened my eyes and see Michael and Calum standing over me. Michael breaths out a sigh of relief, and Calum seems to relax, although worry was still shining in both of their eyes.

"Are you ok, Lukey?" Cal asks me, his tone worried and slightly confused.

"'M fine, why?" I asks furrowing my brows in confusion. Mikey and Cal exchange looks before Mikey turns to me,

"You were screaming, in your sleep, and you kept saying 'Go away!' Anytime we got near you." My jaw drops, and I stare at both Cal and Mikey in disbelief. I knew what I had been dreaming about, I had been dreaming about him.   

This was the first time I had ever, said anything, during the nightmares in real life, I usually just suffered through them in silence. I take a deep breath, before responding,

"I was just having a nightmare it's fine I can't even remember what it was about anyway." I lie, though Mikey and Cal couldn't tell. I had become an expert at lying, and making my self seem happy.

"Alright then, Lukey were gonna get some breakfast, we have a day off so you can just relax." Cal announces smiling at me warmly.

"K, Cal, 'm probably gonna get a couple more hours of sleep." I smile back at him as he leaves the room dragging Mikey with him.

I let out a sigh of relief as soon as I'm alone, before heading to the bathroom that is attached to my room, in our house in LA. I lock the door behind me and walk over to the medicine cabinet above the sink. I pull my black box out from inside and open it up. I can't help but smile as I hold the small metal razor blade in my hand, although I also couldn't help but feel slightly guilty. Then I remember that I was doing this so I would be able to stay strong for the boys, they were all going through their own problems right now, the hate was worse than ever, and the last thing they needed was me screwing up even more than usual.

Pathetic, Fag, Loser, Worthless the thoughts echo through my head making me hate myself even more as I remember the words my dad used to say to me after I screwed up his marriage. I slowly sit down, leaning against the bath, and pull my sweatpants down to reveal my cut up thighs. I grab some toilet paper and lay it down on the floor next to my leg. I carefully cut into my leg carving out the first letter, it was slightly painful but it was the kind of pain I like so I didn't mind that much. I carve the other letters in quicker and then apply some disinfectant to stop the cuts becoming infected before quickly wrapping the now, new word in gauze to stop it from bleeding through my sweatpants. I pull my dark grey sweatpants back on before leaving the bathroom and hopping back into my bed.

I snuggle deep into the covers of my bed, and as I drift of to sleep, I pray to anyone that was listening that I won't dream of him. And for once, it seems like someone is listening, I didn't dream of him, I dreamt of the boys finding out. I dreamt of the betrayed looks on their faces, them telling me that I was worthless, that I didn't belong in the band anymore, that we weren't friends. Each thing they said got louder and louder and each word broke me a little more.

What hurt me the most was when dream Michael yelled,

"No one will ever love you Luke! Your just a pathetic Fag!" My heart literally broke in to thousands of pieces and the despair and pain I was feeling quickly began ti fade into numbness. I wake up in my bed with emotionless tears streaming down my face. I quickly check the time and see that I had been asleep for about an hour.

I sigh before getting up, grabbing some clothes and heading to the bathroom to take a shower. I was planning on taking a long shower but the minute I step into the shower my leg starts to burn. I stand in their for as long as possible before climbing out and getting changed into my clothes. I look at my self in the mirror in disgust.  'Pathetic Luke, that's what you are pathetic and worthless.' I push myself away from the mirror and walk out of the bathroom, putting on my smile, and heading downstairs.

I walk into the kitchen and see the boys eating together at the table talking about our newest song Disconnected. I walk over to the cupboard and start looking for a cereal bar. I pick up the last one and walk over to join the boys

"We need more cereal bars!" I announce as I sit down beside Mikey at the table. Ash and Cal both look up and nod before continuing their conversation. Mikey, however, turns to me, observing me for a moment before asking,

"Lukey, why do you only eat cereal bars in the morning, how come you don't have, cereal or toast?" I bite my lip trying to think of a response, I can't exactly say that I eat cereal bars because they had the least calories out of all the breakfast foods. By this point Cal and Ash both turn round to face me and are staring at me curiously.

"I, just don't get that hungry in the morning. " I supply simply.

Cal and Ash both nod seeming satisfied, but Mikey still stares at me suspiciously. He lets out a sigh before dropping his head onto my shoulder and studying Cal and Ash's exchange.

"Do you think something is going on with them?" Mikey whispers to me while gesturing towards Ash and Cal.

"Hmm, I don't know, they've been acting weird lately." I whisper back

"Yeah," Mikey mutters, "So have you, you know. " I sigh giving him a look that, hopefully, shows that I don't wanna talk about it. He sighs before nodding and turning back to tease Cal and Ash.

Chapter Text

Luke POV (things written like 'this' are Luke's thoughts.)

"Guys, let's watch a movie!" Cal announces looking at us hopefully.

"Alright. What do you wanna watch?" Mikey asks, turning his attention to Cal.

"Umm, I don't know why dont you pick Mikey?" Cal states. Mikey's face lights up immediately as he and Ash jump out of their seats, Mikey heading towards the living room and Ash heading to find some popcorn. Cal gets up out of his seat and turns to me,

"You coming, Lukey?" He asks walking round the table to stand beside me. I look over at him and nod, standing up and following him to the living room where Mikey is setting up the TV. 

I sit down at the end of the couch and watch Mikey set up the DVD player. Calum sits down next to me, and starts poking my arm until I turn to him.

"Cuddle? " He asks making grabby hands at me, I smile softly at him, before letting him cuddle into me.

"Band cuddle! " Mikey yells when he turns round and sees Cal and I, before he jumps on the couch next to us, and joins in the cuddle. Ashton comes through with popcorn from the kitchen, and sets it down on the coffee table before he also joins in,the group hug.

"Can we watch the movie now? " I ask slightly uncomfortable, since my cuts were rubbing against the side of the couch.

"Yeah sure, Lukey," Ash mumbles looking hurt, a frown set on his face, as he lets go of us and reaches over for the remote.  Cal lets go too, looking hurt aswell, and snuggles into Ash's side. 'great job Luke, you fucked up and now Ash and Cal are mad at you'. Mikey makes a face at me before climbing onto my lap and snuggling closer to me.

"What's wrong, Lukey?" He whispers looking at me in concern.

"Nothing, Mikey I'm fine." I whispers back as the title screen came up, I shift uncomfortably as I try to see around Mikey. 

"What's this movie about anyway?" Cal asks turning to Mikey who had picked it out.

"Um," Mikey leans forward and picks up the DVD box from the coffee table. "It says 'A clinically depressed teenager gets a new start when he checks himself into and adult psychiatric ward' and it's called 'It's kind of a funny story'."

Cal nods and turns back to the T.V missing my sharp exhale. I feel myself stiffen as I go over what Mikey had just said in my head. I am so lost in my thoughts that I don't notice Mikey's worried look as he watches my reaction to the movies description.

He frowns slightly before turning his attention back to the movie and grabbing the hand that was rubbing at my cuts. I snap out of my little trance and turn my attention to the movie.

'it's alright Luke, you can make it through this movie, remember you've got your old friend waiting in the bathroom' I smile slightly as I remember the blade hidden in my bathroom. All I had to do was sit through the movie then I could go and be happy again, and pretend that nothing affected me.

I felt my eyes drooping as Mikey lightly rubs my hand, and realize that I was exhausted from a long night of nightmares and staring at the ceiling, I slip into a deep sleep just as the movie starts.

Chapter Text

Luke's POV

I woke up on the couch alone, Cal and Ash are asleep on the other couch together, and Mikey isn't in the room. I watch Cal and Ash curiously, seeing how close together they are and how Ash is practically spooning Cal. Mikey's right something is definitely going on with those two. I sigh slightly before standing up and heading upstairs in search of my blade. I walk past Mikey's room and hear him talking to someone on the phone,

"So you guys are gonna be back in L.A for a few days?" And then pausing to wait for a reply. Although I'm curious who Mikey's talking to I keep walking, silently, to the bathroom where my blade waits. Once I'm in the bathroom I lock the door before opening up the box that my blade is held in. I carefully take it out running my finger over the sharp edge, not caring that it cuts my finger open in the process, I'm too caught up in the thought of getting some release to worry. I sit down on the floor with the roll of toilet paper next to me, I move my blade ready to cut into my thigh but frown when I realise that their isn't any fresh space for me to cut into. I sigh slightly before I quickly pull my bracelets off and bring the blade down against my wrist.

I quickly swipe the blade across my wrist, smiling slightly, as I watch the blood pour out the newly made cut. I swipe the blade again and again make several more cuts before I put my blade back into it's box. I watch my cuts bleed sluggishly for a few more minutes before I get up to clean away any evidence of my little secret. I quickly run my hand under the cold tap to slow the bleeding and look through the medicine cupboard, for the peroxide that I keep in there. I pull my arm out of the water and quickly start to clean the cuts, the last thing I need is for them to get infected and everyone to find out how weak I am. I lightly bandage the cuts with some gauze before covering it up with my bracelets. Then I take my trousers off and replace the bloody gauze wrapped round my thighs with new fresh gauze and pull my trousers back on.

I look round the bathroom once I finish and notice the blood slowly drying on the floor, I quickly clean it up aswell before flushing the bloody tissues and gauze down the toilet. I take my blade out of the box quickly and clean it as well before putting it carefully back in its hiding place, just in case one of the boys is looking for something.

'knock, knock.'

I look up as I hear someone knocking at the door and quickly flush the toilet so it looks like I was just pissing before heading over and opening the door.

"Hey Lukey, you ok you were in their for a while," Mikey asked as I walk out of the bathroom. He's sitting on my bed, fiddling with his phone as he spoke. Panic flares up in my chest, 'what if he heard something' I think frantically, 'even if he did hear something it's not like he would care anyway, Luke.' a voice in my head quickly adds.

"Yeah, I'm ok Mikey just tired," I lie easily pushing my panic away as I sit down next to him on my bed. He looks up from his phone watching me while I do before sighing and putting his phone away.

"I was talking to Harry earlier, he and the boys are in L.A for awhile, so their gonna spend a day or two here with us, since we both have a few days off due" he announces smiling at me,

"I figured we could go out for a bit with them, We haven't really gone out in a few days." He adds still smiling.

"So what do you think?" He asks biting his lip watching me carefully, looking for any signs that I didn't like his suggestion. I smile slightly before replying, 

"It sounds good Mikey, check with Cal and Ash but i'm fine with it." He smiles happily at me shifting slightly,

"Thanks Lukey" He mutters hugging me from the side, I smile slightly at him 

He pulls away after a couple of minutes standing up and stretching, I frown slightly at the loss of warmth but quickly hide it.

"Where is Cal and Ash anyway?" Mikey asks turning to me in confusion.

"Well, when I left they were practically spooning on the other couch," I mutter, running a hand through my blond hair, messing up my already messy quiff even further.

Mikey smirks mischievously, before grabbing my hand and dragging my from the room, down the stairs and into the living room where Ash and Cal were actually spooning now. He lets go of my hand and pulls his phone out of his pocket, turning the camera on and pointing it at Ashton and Calum. He quickly snaps a picture before opening up twitter and typing something before adding the photo and sending the tweet. My phone buzzes telling me that a tweet has been directed at me or mentions me, I open up the twitter app and see what Mikey has tweeted. 'Me and @Luke5SOS came down stairs today to find @Calum5SOS and @Ashton5SOS like this.' With the picture he took attached.

Mikey grabs my hand again and pulls me through to the kitchen, he opens one of the cupboards and pulls out a couple of water gun, he hands me one smirking, before whispering,

"Let's go wake Cal and Ash up," and walking out the room, I quickly follow behind him as he heads back into the living room with his fully loaded water gun, 

"You get Cal and I'll get Ash," He whispers before moving further in the room so he can get a better shot on Ash, I smile fondly rolling my eyes at Mikey's antics before aiming my own water gun at Cal. 

I meet Michael's eyes as he nods, 'three' he mouths, 'two', 'one', then we both fire the water at Cal and Ash soaking them and waking them up abruptly. They both jolt causing Cal to fall off the couch, I turn my water gun to Ash since Calum seems to be fully awake. My water gun runs out of water a few minutes later and Mikey's runs out a couple of seconds after. Mikey drops his water gun, laughing as he leans against the side of the couch, I smile slightly in amusement at the sight in front of me, as Ash glares slightly at us and Cal rolls his eyes at Mikey.

"Alright, now that you two lovebirds are up, I have something I wanna talk to you about." Mikey announces when he finally stops laughing, five minutes later. 

"Can we get changed out of our soaking wet clothes first?" Ash asks shaking some of the water off him and onto us. 

"After, this is important." Mikey states, as he sits down on the other couch gesturing for me to do the same. Ash sighs before he Cal sit down letting Mikey know that he can say what he was gonna say.

"So, I was talking to Harry earlier, and him and the boys are gonna be in LA for a few days so I told them that we'd hang out with them, but Luke and I understand if you lovebirds want be alone, and I'm sure they will too." Mikey continues raising his eyebrows suggestively.

Cal immediately turns red causing Mikey to smirk, I smile slightly at Cal's embarrassment. Mikey opens his mouth to say something else but Ash cuts him off before he gets the chance,

"We're ok with hanging out with the 1D boys, We haven't seen them in awhile so it should be fun." Mikey smiles jumping up from his seat,

"Awesome I'm gonna call Harry." He announces before heading to the kitchen so he won't be disturbed. 

"I'm gonna get out of these wet clothes, you coming Cal?" Ashton turns to Calum expectantly, who nods and gets up following Ash up the stairs. 

'Well it looks like your bandmates got sick of being near you. Good job you've probably just pissed off the only people who can stand you.'  The voice hisses violently as my friends slowly leave me alone. I groan and lie down on the couch, trying to get some sleep, and peace from the voice.

Chapter Text

Mikey POV

From Haz 1:28

Plane just landed be there around two

To Haz 1:29

K see u guys then.

I slip my phone back into my pocket and walk through to the living room. I smile when I see Luke asleep on the couch, he looks peaceful for once, maybe he'll actually get some sleep now. I look up when I hear the door and see Cal and Ash walk in, in dry clothes now but with slightly wet hair. 

"Hey Mikey," Cal smiles "What did Haz say?" He asks as he and Ash walk over to stand beside me. 

"Aww," Ash coos, when he sees Luke asleep on the couch "He looks so peaceful".

"Yeah, he does, let's hope it doesn't get spoiled again." I comment bitterly, thinking back to Luke's previous nightmare, Cal didn't hear all of what Luke was saying before we woke him up. 

"Haz says they'll be here around two their plans just landed." I add answering Cal's question. Cal gives me a smile but looks sadly down at Luke before speaking.

"He's been having nightmares alot recently, I don't think he realises that we've noticed." He murmurs as Ash wraps an arm around his shoulder, comfortingly, hugging Cal to him.

"I just wish he'd tell me what's causing the nightmares." I mumble sighing sadly as I look down at Luke. Cal and Ash shoot me sympathetic looks, before looking sadly down at Luke. 

"Well, the couch can't be very comfy, and Luke sleeps like a log, so why don't you take him up to his room?" Ash suggests after a few minutes of silence, glancing down at his phone before speaking again.

"Cal and I will make some food, Lou always gets cranky if he doesn't get food after a plane journey." He adds watching Luke sadly for a few more seconds before walking out of the room with Cal, keeping his arm wrapped around him.

I watch Luke sadly for a few minutes before walking round to the front of the couch, and carefully picking him up, before slowly making my way out of the room, heading upstairs towards Luke's room. 

I carefully open his door with my foot, before heading inside and putting him down on his bed. I sigh running a hand through his hair, before heading back downstairs to see what Cal and Ash are cooking.

---------------Time jump 20 mins later -------------

There's a knock at the door just as Ash takes the pizza out of the oven. Cal and I exchange looks but before either of us could move the door was thrown open and Louis walks in, followed by the other boys.

He saunters right past us with a quick nod of greeting, and heads straight into the kitchen to get some pizza from Ash. Harry rolls his eyes at Louis back, as he disappears through the door, before turning to us.

"Mike, Cal! How have you guys been? Where's Luke and Ash?" He asks in quick succession looking round the room for Luke and Ash. Cal rolls his eyes before answering.

"Haz! We've been good, Ash is in the kitchen, he just made Pizza which I'm guessing Lou is eating, and Luke is upstairs he hasn't been sleeping well lately so we're letting him get some rest. " He replies easily, glancing at me afterwards, silently asking what we want to say about the way Luke's been acting lately. I shoot him a look telling him that I want to talk to them about it later. He nods slightly before we turn back to Haz and the others.

They're watching us with amused looks obviously noticing our silent conversation but deciding not to mention it. Before any of us have the chance to talk Ash comes out the kitchen carrying the pizzas they made, Louis following behind him eating a slice already. 

"Hey, guys, pizza's ready." He calls out walking over to the coffee table and putting the plates down. We all move to get some food before Louis eats it all. I grab a slice and sit down next to Haz and Liam on one of the couches, Cal and Ash taking the other one with Niall, and Zayn and Louis sat on the floor in front of their boyfriends. Everyone's having their own conversations, Niall is talking to Cal and Ash and Haz and Lou are bickering about something stupid making me smile slightly. 

Liam and Zayn turn to me before Liam asks,

"Mike, what's up your really quiet today." Everyone else is too wrapped up in their own conversations to notice ours. 'Maybe Liam and Zayn will know what to do about Luke.' my brain supplies as I turn my attention away from Has and Lou's conversation to face my friends.

"'M fine just worried about Luke 's all." I reply running a hand through my hair, as they exchange confused looks.

"What's up with Luke? Cal said he wasn't sleeping well but it didn't seem like it was bad enough to make you worry." Zayn responds looking at me in confusion. I sigh slightly before answering,

"It's more than just the not sleeping thing, there is just something up with him and we can't seem to figure it out. He's been having nightmares almost every night but if we ask him about it he says he doesn't remember what they were about. And he barely eats anymore, I mean their was a point where he ate the most in the band, now we're lucky if he eats three meals a day. And even if he does it's always small portions never enough to actually fill you up." I look up and see Liam staring at me and Zayn looking lost in thought. He sighs before speaking quietly so only Liam and I could hear.

"I'm no expert on the nightmares but the way you described his eating sounds dangerously close to an eating disorder. My sister was like that for months before she became anorexic, what ever you do don't let him stop eating." He warns quietly.

I suck in a sharp breath nodding my head to Zayn to let him know I understood, he and Liam move to have their own conversation. I lean back against the couch my mind reeling, it made some things about Luke make more sense, like how he always said in interviews that he was a chubby kid but he was actually one of the skinniest kids in the year. I take a deep breath trying to distract myself from the thoughts running through my mind, deciding to have a good time now and talk to Cal and Ash about it later.

Chapter Text

Luke's POV 

I wake up in my room and look around in confusion. 'Didn't I fall asleep downstairs?' I think to myself. Hearing laughter coming from downstairs and I quickly realise that the One Direction boys are already here. 'Why didn't they wake me up?' The thought swirls in my head as I find myself feeling hurt that they were all hanging out without me.

'They don't care about you Luke. You should know this by now. They only keep you around because they pity you.'  A voice whispers in my head. I shiver slightly trying to ignore the voice as much as possible. 

I'm just about to head downstairs when I hear my phone ringing. Turning to the table beside my bed where my phone sits, I quickly head over and pick it up, before answering it.

"Hello?" I ask, waiting for a reply since I didn't check the caller ID.

"Hello Lucas." My father's voice echoes down the phone sending a shiver through me. Taking a deep breath I try desperately to calm myself down, knowing my father hates it when I sounded weak.

"H-hey dad." It doesn't work.

"Lucas, you know what I've said about being weak." His voice sounds both taunting and playful, sending a violent shiver down my spine. He continues on, basking in the fear he can sense from me,

"Anyway, I just called to remind you of all the worthless things you've done this week." Feeling my legs shaking I quickly sit down on my bed, clutching my phone like a lifeline. 

"So first, you haven't called home in over a month now, it's made your mother very upset. Second, you let one of your pity friends get drunk and cause a scandal in the media. Third, you haven't written a single song on your 'writing break'. Which proves that you are just as worthless as I always thought. Hmmm, what else is there?" He pauses and I hear his breath get quieter as he moves away from the phone for a second.

"Unfortunately I'm going to have to cut this short. Your brothers have just got here. Try not to be as worthless next week." He hisses almost silently down the phone before hanging up, leaving me sitting on my bed trying to process what had just happened.

'Come on Luke!

You know better than anyone he's right.

You know our routine.

Stick to it.

It's what's best for everyone.'

The thought flicks through my head as I stand up numbly, my phone slipping from my fingers, and onto the floor by the bed, as I do. 

 As I slowly make my way to my bathroom I find my head is foggy and my thoughts in a constant downwards spiral. Shakily closing the door behind me, I move towards the scales, refusing to look in the mirror as I pass it.

Pausing I let out a short, shaky breath before I step onto the scale and wait for the numbers to load. The next 20 seconds feel like minutes, as the scale loads, until finally the numbers pop up.

128.

It feels like a punch in the gut looking at those numbers. Last week I was 115. I've gone up 13 pounds. I move to get off the scales, wincing as they creak under my weight, and quickly drop to my knees in front of the toilet.

Get it out! Get it out! NOW!

I don't even have to force myself anymore, just the thought of those three numbers has me puking. I need to cut back on those cereal bars, they're making me fat. Stumbling away from the toilet I wipe my mouth with some nearby toilet roll, and then throw the used toilet tissue down the pan.

I leave once I've flushed away the evidence, feeling lighter, now that I'm not full anymore. The laughter echoing up from downstairs makes me feel more relaxed, so I decide to head down and join them. Walking over to the mirror hanging in the room, I paste my smile on, running a hand threw my disheveled hair to make it slightly more presentable, before walking over to the foot of my bed and picking up my previously discarded phone from the floor. With one last glance in the mirror to make sure I'm looking presentable, I hear out to door of my room and towards the stairs.

As I reach the bottom of the stairs I notice the kitchen door open, and after a quick glance inside I catch a flash of bright red hair. Feeling my fake smile becomes slightly more real, I quietly walk to the kitchen and find Mikey making some food. I lean against the door watching him for a bit before he turns around sensing eyes on him.

"Lukey! Hey!" He quickly sets his plate down on the counter behind him, and heads over to me pulling me into a hug when he reaches me. I'm quick to hug him back, burying my face in his shoulder, smiling softly into it, as I realize that this was just what I needed to be able to deal with other people.

"You ok?" He whispers in my ear, voice full of concern that warns my heart, "You look a bit pale." He tightens his hug slightly as he says this, as if worried that I will disappear or something.

"I'm fine, Mike, my dad called when I woke up, I haven't really spoken to my parents much since we got here, and my mum was a bit upset about is all." I murmur just loud enough for Mikey to hear me.

"'M Kay did you have any more nightmares, while you were asleep?" He replies, I could practically feel him raising his eyebrows at me, as he did. I move back slightly looking at Mikey's face, smiling slightly since I wouldn't have to lie this time.

"No I haven't had anymore, I slept peacefully. " I answer unwrapping one of my hands from his neck and running it through my hair. He smiles at me tightening his grip around me slightly before releasing me.

I shoot him a smile, wondering why I was feeling almost disappointed that he let go. He smiles again heading over to the food he had just made.

"You slept through lunch, but I just made some dinner, so you can grab some if your hungry." He add making a plate and turning back to me slightly. 

I paled slightly at the thought of food, I had already gained 13 pounds from a cereal bar, I can't afford to have a full blown meal. I couldn't help but shiver slightly at the thought of how much weight I would gain from that meal. 

I didn't even notice Mikey turning round or his frown when he sees me lost in thought. He carefully makes a small portion sized plate for me so I could eat, but I won't have to eat much.

"Luke?" My head snaps up as Mikey speaks, he is holding two plates on with alot smaller portions of food than the other, he holds the smaller plate out to me, his eyebrow raised in question.

I sigh taking the plate, I don't want to make Mikey worry, he already had to deal with his own shit, he didn't need my problems piled on top of that. I shoot him a smile, which he returns, before we both head through to the living room, where the boys were.

"I made food if you want some it's in the kitchen!" Mikey hollers as we enter the room, Louis immediately rushes through into the kitchen to grab a plate the rest of the boys following, only Liam, Zayn and Ash staying behind and waiting.

"Hey Luke!" Liam announces smiling when he sees me.

"Morning Luke."

"Sleep Well?"

Both Ash and Zayn chorus. I roll my eyes smiling at both of them and sitting down next to Mikey on the couch with Ash, he shoots me a smile before heading through to get some food too. 

I settle into the couch next to Mikey eating as little as I can get away with hoping I can get to the bathroom later to throw it up.

Chapter Text

Luke's POV 

We all finished our food awhile ago, and now we are playing games on Mikey's Xbox. We are currently having a Fifa tournament and Cal and Harry are having a match at the moment. Most of the others are laughing at the stream of swear-words coming out of both Cal and Haz's mouths as they try to stop the other from scoring.

I watch the others, silently wondering how they could put aside they're sadness and issues so quickly, and act as though they didn't have any problems. Mikey, Ash and Cal seem to be able to easily forget the things that were bothering them when they were surrounded by others, I can't understand how they do it.

Mikey kept an eye on me the whole time I was eating, making sure I finished my food, and then staying close to me after. I haven't had the chance to throw it up even if I wanted to, but I think that was Mikey's idea. Luckily we haven't been alone to talk because I don't want to deal with his reaction so soon. Although maybe he won't react badly.

'What makes you think he'll react in anyway but bad. Come on Luke you know he'll be disgusted in you.' the voice hisses in my head, reminding me exactly what others will think about me. I just hope that he doesn't tell Cal and Ash, cause I don't want to lose all my friends. 

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and quickly pull it out seeing that my mum is calling, I feel myself smile slightly, as I have an excuse to leave the room now. I turn to Mikey who is next to me and say,

"Hey, my Mum's calling, I'm gonna head upstairs so I can talk to her." Mikey looks up and studies me for a second, before nodding and turning back to the game. I quietly head upstairs, making sure not to interrupt anyone, and answer my phone as soon as I'm out of hearing distance.

"Hello?" I question when I hear the call connect.

"Luke," my mum's voice comes through the phone, but it doesn't sound right, almost like she's been crying.

"Mum? What's wrong? You sound upset?" I stammer, my hand scratching at my wrist nervously as my thoughts race trying to figure out what's wrong.

"It's Ben, Luke. Oh God, there was an accident, we're at the hospital, but..." her voice cuts off as she tries to mask a sob, I can feel my heart racing as I wait for her to finish. "The doctor's don't think he's going to make it," She lets out another sob and I can literally feel my heart stop, as I start to panic. I hear voices in the background and the phone being taking out of my mum's hands, I hear footsteps just before the new person starts talking.

"Hello, Lucas." My blood runs cold.

Chapter Text

Luke's POV

I freeze after hearing my father's voice, I can just tell that whatever he has to say is just gonna make everything worse. My thought are racing as I try to process the fact that Ben, my older brother, who has everything to live for, is in the hospital dying right now. Why couldn't I have just picked up the goddamn phone when they called me, why did I decide to avoid them. If I had then this wouldn't have happened, my mum wouldn't have been about to lose one of the sons that she deserves more than anything. As if hearing my thoughts he says,

"Well looks like another mistake of yours Lucas, your brother is in hospital, and you can't even be bothered to visit. It's your fault this happened, you know, he was on his way to the airport to visit you."  I freeze after hearing that, my thoughts racing, as the voice reminds me, just how much of a failure I am. Fuck, why did it have to be my dad who spoke to me after my mum, I want to know what hospital Ben's in, but he'll probably start yelling at me if I ask him. And I don't think I can deal with him yelling insults at me down the phone.

'See, Luke, Ben's in hospital dying and you're too busy freaking out about talking to your Dad, when you should be getting the address of the hospital and helping your Mum as much as she can, in order to make up for her losing one of her important sons due to you.'

My father let's out a short bark of laughter as if he can hear my thoughts before adding, 

"You better show up here soon Lucas, because if you do one more thing to make your Mother unhappy, I will end your miserable life." Then he hangs up the phone and I am left trying to deal with everything that I've just heard. My thoughts have sped up and are now going so fast I can barely keep track of them all. 

Ben.

Hospital.

Dying.

Mum.

Sadness.

Fuck Up.

Your Fault.

Hurts.

Why.

Worthless.

Stupid.

Miserable.

God Ben.

And Jack.

Fuck. 

FUck.

FUCK!

I can feel my hands shaking as the voice whispers,

'G et the blade, Luke, come on, you know it's the only thing that helps.' 

Before I can even make a move, I hear footsteps coming down the hallway, and I quickly realize I've been upstairs for almost half an hour now. It's probably Mikey coming to check on me.

I sit down on the bed and wrap my arms around my legs burying my face into them, trying to process everything that just happened. Shit! What do i do?! Ben's in the fucking hospital! He's in the hospital and the doctors don't think he's gonna make it!

'Well of course not he got hit by a freaking car, Luke, it'll be a fucking miracle if he lives through this.'  The voice adds to my despair and I barely manage to hold back tears.

FUCK! this is all my fault! if I hadn't been such a shitty son then Ben would have decided to come visit me! He's gonna die and it's all my fault. FUCK! I'm such a fuck up!

'And of course Luke, your sitting here wallowing in your own selfish emotions while he's in a hospital somewhere dying with your family crying around him. The least you could do was go see him, apologies to him, for killing him, and to your family for making them lose one of the sons that's actually worth something.' The voice is dark as it echoes around my head, berating me, and reminding me what I did no matter how much I want to just forget it. I can feel my self shaking and curl up further trying to block out the voice that is tormenting me.

That's how Mikey finds me a couple of minutes later when he opens the door. He quickly moves from the doorway to sit on the bed next to me.

"Hey, Lukey, what's wrong, what happened?" He whispers wrapping an arm around me in comfort. Hearing him so concerned, I can't help but lose my fragile composure, everything that's happened in the last year crashing down on me at once. The second I start crying Mikey pulls me into a hug, and I cling onto him, accepting his comfort, and burying my face in his neck.

I don't know how long I spend just sobbing into his neck as he hugs me, I don't even notice my other bandmates coming in either. I think Mikey talks to them for a bit. I'm so lost in both my thoughts and my sadness that I don't even notice Cal picking up my phone from where I left it unlocked on the bed next to me. 

I spend at least the next half an hour just crying while Mikey tries to comfort me. As I finally start to calm down I feel myself falling asleep, something tells me a shouldn't but it's seems so inviting right now and my eyelids are already shut halfway. So I let my eyes close and slip into a deep sleep.

Chapter Text

Calum's POV 

Luke's been upstairs for almost half an hour now, and I can tell from the way Mikey's fidgeting that he's worried about him. He's been acting really protective towards Luke since he, Liam and Zayn had a talk about something. Now he's, as Ash and Luke affectionately (hilariously) named it, 'mother-henning' about him and probably stressing over nothing, like he tends to do with Luke.

It's easy to tell he's distracted, as he hasn't even glanced at the T.V screen, which was showing the intense Fifa match between Louis and Harry, once since Luke headed upstairs to answer his phone. He's tapping his fingers on his knee repeatedly and keeps checking the time every few seconds, waiting to see if Luke will come back down, or if he can go upstairs to check on him without it looking weird.

I glance over to Ash meeting his eyes, and smiling slightly, he smiles back and I gesture over to Mikey with my head, silently asking what we should do. He frowns slightly, seeing how agitated Mikey is now, and how he keeps glance towards the stairs which Luke disappeared up a whiles ago. He turns to me, with a question on his lips, about what we should do, and I gesture to him that we should just let him go see Luke,to help him calm down. Ash grins at me and nods his head in agreement, before turning towards Mikey again.

"Hey, Mikey, do you mind going to check on Luke he's been upstairs for awhile now." He, says casually, and I have to hide my grin as Mikey's face lit up, and he jumps up already half way across the room as he responds,

"Yeah, I'll go now!" Before disappearing out the door heading towards the stairs happily. Louis smiles knowingly at me and Ash as Harry makes casual whip sounds in the background. I grin sitting back in my seat proud of our work, the two of them have been oogling each other for the past two years now.

Zayn turns towards Ash and me from where he and Niall are sitting on the other couch, with an arched eyebrow. I grin back and mouth 'he's checking on Luke' to him, he smirks slightly when he catches my message and Liam rolls his eyes before they both turn back to the TV. 

After a couple of minutes I get up and head through to the kitchen to grab a couple of drinks for Ash and I. I quickly head over to the fridge, opening it up and looking for the beer we bought yesterday. 

However before I can head back to the living room my phone buzzes in my back pocket. Frowning I put the beer bottles down on the counter and fish my phone out of my pocket.

I turn it on and check my messages to see who had messaged me. I frown slightly seeing that Mikey has messaged me. Opening up the message my frown deepens as I read what he sent me.

Mikey  5:39pm

Get Ash, somethings up with Luke.

I look up from my phone when I hear a quite knock at the doorway, Ash is standing there watching me in concern.

"Hey Cal, you ok you look confused." Ash asks moving into the kitchen to stand in front of me, his eyebrows furrowing in worry. I smile shakily at him, and wordlessly hand him my phone. Ash takes it and reads the open text message from Mike. When he finishes he looks up at me.

"We better go Cal, Mikey seems pretty worried about Luke." I nod wordlessly slipping my phone back into my pocket and quickly following Ash out the room and upstairs, to Luke's room.

I cautiously open the door, peering in to to see what the problem is, my worry triples when I see that Luke is hugging Mikey tightly, sobbing loudly, and that Mikey looks completely panicked about what to do. Ash and I move further into the room shutting the door as we do, before sitting down on either side of Mikey. Ash is the first one to figure out what to say.

"What happened, why's Luke so upset?" He asks quietly reaching out and rubbing Luke's back comfortingly, trying to calm the blond boy down. I bit my lip watching in concern as Luke's breath hitches slightly, before he goes back to sobbing into Mikey's neck.

"I don't know he was crying when I came to check on him, and I haven't been able to get anything from him about why he's so upset." Mikey responds, watching Luke in concern as well. The blond is still shaking, but his sobs seem to have slowed down a bit, and he is breathing a bit better.

My gaze falls onto Luke's phone as the screen lights up with a message from his brother.

'Hey Lukey, Mum said she forgot to tell you what room Ben's in. He's in the ICU unit at the moment which is on the fourth floor, the elevator doors open into the waiting room, so you should find us when you get here.' 

I quickly reach over picking up Luke's phone, reading the message again before looking up at Ash and Mikey.

"Guys, I think I know why Lukes upset." I whisper holding his phone out so the both can see the message from Jack, about Ben. As soon as he's finished reading the message on Luke's phone, Mikey automatically hugs Luke closer to him, as Ash looks up, both of them feeling as lost as I do.

Chapter Text

Alright, so I figured I would use this chapter to give you guys an update about this story and my other stories.

Firstly, I have been spending most of my summer before university pre-writing chapters for all of my stories and I'm hoping to have them completely finished by the second week of september so I can start posting chapters regularly. However, when it comes to this story I have found that I don't really have the inspiration to write chapters for this story, and I don't really have any ideas for where this story is going.

When I started this story, I was in a pretty bad mental state, and I read alot of stories about depression and self-harm, and started writing this, but now it's been around three years and I've spent alot of time working on my mental health, and I'm in a much better mental state nowadays. So I will not be pre-writing chapters of this story like I am my other stories and will probably not be posting chapters for this anytime soon. 

On a lighter note, there is a chance that in the future I will find the inspiration to continue this story and it may be updated later on, but for now, I am going to be discontinuing this story. I will leave the story up so that if you want to read what has already been written you still can, and I will add another update if I decide to start posting again, or if I decide to take this story down or put it up for adoption for someone else to take-over writing.

So, onto some updates about my other stories, which if you've not read any of them, or aren't interested you can click off of this story now.

I have mentioned in my other stories and with this story that I am pre-writing the chapters of my fics before I post them, so that I can keep a regular posting schedule even when I'm crazy busy and don't have much time to write chapters. I said on each of the stories that I would start posting again at the start of August, but I'm going to push back that date to the second week of September, which is the week I am due to start university, and should give me enough time to finish all of the prewriting I need to do. I will also be working on the sequels to a few of my stories and potentially some new stories once I have finished the ones I have already started, so I should hopefully make a start on them so I'm covered for posting if I end up really busy at Uni and the stories are finished.

So with this story being discontinued, I will now have four stories that I am working to upload, but only three of them are 5SOS stories and the other one is a Charmed/Harry Potter crossover, which I may take some more time to finish, as I will have to find the time to go back and read the Harry Potter books from Order of the Phoenix where I have started the series, so that I can keep the events in the wizard world as close to the actual timeline as possible, with some slight changes. 

To kinda sum up, I will have three 5SOS stories being regularly updated by the second week of September, this story is being discontinued, and my other Charmed/Harry Potter story will probably take more time to be finished and updated as I'll need more time to work on it.

Thank you guys for listening to this kinda rant, hopefully this has been helpful and has clarified some things for you guys.

~CalumSlutTBH