Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Nandor: where are you?

Guillermo: FUCKING LASZLO LOCKED ME IN HIS COFFIN

Guillermo: I’M CURRENTLY SOMEWHERE IN THE VICINITY OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN!

Nandor: are you for serious right now?

Nandor: that fucking guy

Guillermo: I know! I’ve tried calling the coast guard or whatever but they just laughed at me.

Nandor: do you have enough chicken?

Guillermo: he left me some oreos. And I’d downloaded the latest ru paul for us to watch on the train so I guess im good. Please beat las up for me when you get home 😡

Nandor: I’m on the train 😔

Guillermo: you went without me?! Master.

Nandor: I thought you had abandoned me again!!!!!!! As you seem to do very often indeed Guillermo!!!!! 😧😵

Guillermo: NEVER. I wouldn’t!

Nandor: well I know that now Guillermo. Obviously. I’m not an idiot.

Guillermo: 😒 you could have just contacted me through the ether. I didn't have phone signal until we left the harbour but I would have been able to hear you that way!

Nandor: honestly, Guillermo, you can't expect me to be remembering these kind of things when I am struck down by devastation. It obviously slipped my mind to try. 

Nandor: I shall await your arrival at the next station. please hurry. I don’t know where the local virgins will be congregating

Guillermo: master I’m literally trapped in a COFFIN in a CRATE in a BOAT in the OCEAN. It’s going to be a while.

Nandor: tomorrow?

Nandor: The day after?

Nandor: Guillermo?

Nandor: hello?

Nandor: 😟

Guillermo: sorry my phone lost signal. Are you still on the train? It must be daylight soon  

Nandor: Guillermo! I am very glad you are safe!

Guillermo: yes im fine I caught up on Gilmore girls. are YOU? Please tell me you’re not still on the train!!

Nandor: I found a very nice gentleman and he has taken me out drinking! I have had so much drug blood that the sky is ORANGE

Guillermo: dios mio please find somewhere dark BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP. and look both ways before you cross the road!

Nandor: do not talk in tongues to me, Guillermo! and i don’t need to look both ways because I found a scooter that is taking me wherever I am needing to go.

Guillermo: where are you? I’m calling the local branch of the vampire council. I cannot believe I am having to do this WHILE TRAPPED INSIDE A COFFIN INSIDE A BOAT, MASTER. I AM IN IMMINENT DANGER OF ASPHYXIATION OR DEHYDRATION RIGHT NOW! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME FROM STRESS FIRST!

Nandor: stop shouting it hurts my eyes

Guillermo: nandor.

Nandor: fine fine I have found a hotel room are you happy now? You are such an annoyance to me.

Guillermo: thank you. Please stay safe until I can look after you again.

Nandor: you are so ungrateful to me when I am being so nice to you.

Nandor: and my hair is all knotted because there is NO ONE here to brush it for me.

Guillermo: I’m sorry. I wish I was there.

Nandor: I’m going to climb into my coffin and enter a super slumber until you return. Bye.

Guillermo: WA

Guillermo: WAIT

Guillermo: NO

Guillermo: NO

Guillermo: MASTER

Guillermo: I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

Guillermo: I WON’T BE ABLE TO FIND YOU

Guillermo: HOLD ON!

Nandor: what now, Guillermo? I was nearly in super slumber when your little buzzing box awakened me! As you are always doing, it is very irritating.

Nandor: I am in the hotel by the bar with the drug blood, next to the station. I have already told you all of this.Please listen more carefully to what I am saying to you.

Guillermo: IN WHICH CITY????

Nandor: the yellow one.

Guillermo: the YELLOW one?

Nandor: on the map! The yellow one on the train map! Honestly I am reconsidering whether I want to turn you into a vampire if this is how you are going to be behaving all the time. My head hurts.

Guillermo: you always get like this after you have drug blood. I TOLD you to stop drinking it.

Nandor: well maybe if you were here to find me some virgins I wouldn’t have to be feeding myself like a little tiny peasant boy! 😠

Guillermo: why are you angry at me?? None of this is my fault!

Nandor: I have been thinking about it and come to the conclusion that in fact it must be your fault. Because you are an incredibly strong and powerful warrior and you should have fought Laszlo off when he tried to put you in the coffin. Are you saying that he is stronger than me? He is not stronger than me and you are perfectly capable of stopping me from throwing you into a coffin. Laszlo is not skilled at all in battle! You should have overpowered him easily! So I have no choice but to conclude that you endeavoured to be dropped into this coffin for some sort of nefarious vampire hunting purpose of your own. And it is unacceptable, Guillermo. my bodyguard should only be thinking about ME at all times!

Guillermo: jesus christ why are you sending me this essay instead of just looking up the name of the city you’re in. what is the name of the hotel, at least??

Guillermo: but thank you for calling me a strong and powerful warrior. Honestly I think we were pretty evenly matched though.  

Guillermo: even if you did bring a sword to a fistfight, you cheat

Nandor: you took me by surprise. I will be prepared the next time we spar.

Guillermo: who says we’re going to do it again?

Guillermo: nandor?

Guillermo: are you still awake?

Nandor: are you not wanting to become a vampire anymore?

Guillermo: what? of course I want to be a vampire! I’m not sure how I could be any clearer on the fact that I want to be wherever you are, forever!

Nandor: oh. Good. I was just worried momentarily. That is fine. Yes, I am very much looking forward to sparring with you again very frequently, once you have vampiric strength. I had assumed that the sparring was implicit in the invitation for turning.

Guillermo: you really liked sparring with me that much?

Guillermo: how ‘frequently’?

Guillermo: I’ve never seen you sparring with nadja or laszlo. Is that something you’ve been wanting to do?

Nandor: Guillermo! please, dear! there will be plenty of time to talk about this later, I’m not sure why you insist on it when I have the head ache.

Nandor: I’m in the Black Eagle Hotel in Carbondale.

Guillermo: thank you. You can go to sleep now if you want. I’m going to turn my phone off now because I’m not sure how long my battery pack will last. I’ll talk to you in the morning. 💖 xxxx

Nandor: 👍🏼

Chapter Text

Guillermo: Evening! I have good news! The boat crew men heard me laughing at queer eye and they let me out of the crate!

Nandor: that is very excellent news indeed Guillermo. when will you be arriving at the hotel room? 

Guillermo: well, it’s still going to be a while. But they said they can give me a lift back on the return journey. Which is a relief because I was getting kind of worried about what I’d say at customs. My passport is in my suitcase lol.

Guillermo: you still have my suitcase right? Our travel cash is hidden inside my socks, if you need to pay for more nights at the hotel. There should be plenty in there, I emptied out my savings account.

Guillermo: anyway I’m doing some cleaning work for the staff in exchange for using one of the spare berths. Which is a relief because laszlo’s coffin is absolutely COVERED in dried semen. I think it was irritating my skin. I don’t know why he cant just use the memo’s man milk bottles I leave out for him every night, its so much more work for me when he freestyles it.

Nandor: how long is ‘a while’?

Guillermo: like ten days max I guess? got to go, my shift starts soon. It’s pretty easy work. It’s actually less gross around here than cleaning the blood room at home.

Nandor: ten days. I see. That should be fine. Just in case, could you provide me with the number for the local vampire council branch? For any eventualities that might require it.

Guillermo: what did you do.

Nandor: nothing! I did absolutely nothing! And that’s exactly what I told the police officers!

Nandor: you should have more trust in me, Guillermo. I am running the vampire council all on my own now that nadja has resigned from her position. That is a lot of responsibility you should know. I am very competent in all regards.

Nandor: except

Nandor: well, I suppose there is one slight problem

Guillermo: my shift starts in 40 seconds please hurry up with this

Nandor: I thought the maid was one of those takeaway deliveries.

Guillermo: what?

Nandor: I thought you had sent me a little gift to make up for all the terrible things you have done to me recently.

Guillermo: like a meal to-go? You think there’s a restaurant that lets you order living human beings as a menu item?

Nandor: well I don’t know, do I, Guillermo! you have got a little ball that speaks to you and does your shopping!

Guillermo: aspen chewed up my echo last month. Okay so you ate this lady and then – what? just stuck around in the hotel until the police came?

Nandor: I am currently hiding in the ceiling. They have taken my coffin away. I tried to hypnotise them but it seems they are impervious to hypnotism just like you are. 🙄

Nandor: my sweet Guillermo, I’m sorry. please tell me what to do I’m begging of you. It is very cramped and smelly in here.

Guillermo: sorry, I was cleaning the sinks. I’ve managed to hack into the Carbondale police database and remove the mentions of you from the case file. I’ve also put in a fedex shipping request for pick-up of your coffin, which I’m hoping the evidence locker will honour now there’s no case attached to the item. You need to go to

Nandor: Guillermo? did your battery run out?

Guillermo: sorry, I had to plunge a blockage from the toilets. Right, so I’ve booked you a ticket on a greyhound to the next town over, leaving at 8.07pm from the same station you came in by. Here’s a map. Gimme a sec I need to sweep up

Nandor: where is the map

Nandor: did you send it already?

Nandor: oh the underlining on the letters. It is a link. Very ingenious. I have obtained the map.

Guillermo: okay. In five minutes a fire alarm is going to go off in the hotel. Wait 40 seconds and then run for the exit. Ignore the smoke; it’s just a smoke grenade I had shipped to the reception desk.

Guillermo: once you’re outside, get in the light blue uber. It will take you to the station. don’t forget your dirt. When you get off the greyhound, your coffin should be waiting for you at the station.

Nandor: my dear, dear Guillermo. I will not forget this.

Guillermo: yeah. I know.

Nandor: I am glad you are having a nice time with the other humans. The toilets sound lovely.

Guillermo: that’s not – people don’t actually enjoy touching strangers’ toilets. As a general rule.

Nandor: there is no need to be ashamed of your passions and enjoyments. Ah, the alarm! I will make my escape as a fugitive now!

Guillermo: xoxo

Chapter Text

Guillermo: so nadja tried to sneak into laszlo’s coffin for some hanky-panky tonight and found out what he did. Which im sure you already know, since her screams were probably audible in Illinois.  

Nandor: oh dear. I would not want to be Laszlo right now.  

Guillermo: right?? I swear she’s grown a second set of fangs in rage. Her pupils are red.

Nandor: she’s not mad at me, is she? Please tell her that I had nothing to do with it!  

Guillermo: she’s mainly focussed on maiming/tearing/gnashing/disembowelling/defenestrating her hubby.

Guillermo: did you hear about colin robinson by the way?

Guillermo: I only found out about it because Laszlo’s new account followed me on Instagram. @babycravensworthjnr. He’s not answering my calls or texts or emails or whatsapps or snapchats but he’s apparently got time to become an influencer in the Mormon moms circle. Which is fine! Glad to know he wasn’t concerned at all about my SURVIVAL IN A COFFIN FOR A WEEK.

Nandor: what is this? There are so many ruffles.

Guillermo: I guess colin robinson did a baby groot.

Nandor: he respawned as this hideous pastel-spackled beast?

Guillermo: as a baby. Yeah. Laszlo seems oddly thrilled

Nandor: again with his freaking baby fever. He has been desperate to be a daddy since he turned that baby into a vampire

Nandor: this respawning is not going to happen to me, is it?

Guillermo: I would imagine it’s an energy vampire thing. Have you ever hung around with any other E.V.s? Its weird you guys didn’t know this would happen. I thought Laszlo had a book on them or something

Nandor: he will have become bored after looking at the pictures of genitals. colin robinson is fortunately the only energy vampire I’ve ever met. Though it occurs to me that when I first moved into our home there was a small wrinkled creature living amongst the vampires who resided there at the time. I thought they ate it.

Guillermo: you’re kidding me. If this was in the 1920s, that was probably colin robinson’s last respawning. Who were the other vampires?

Nandor: some ru paul kind of guy and a very boring lady. I don’t know. I wasn’t paying any attention. It was a month or two before you became my familiar, so I was occupied obtaining my own food at the time

Guillermo: seventy years before my birth, but close enough.

Guillermo: How is the food acquisition going tonight? Have you fed? I can put up a craigslist ad for you, if you give me your address.

Nandor: yes please, dear. But wait until you’re alone. It’s best if you don’t remind nadja of my existence when she’s in a rage.

Guillermo: send me a pic?

Nandor: do you miss me that much already?

Guillermo: for the listing. But yes, I do.

Nandor: I have been very lonely without you, also. It's been one week since you looked at me. Five days since you laughed at me. 😔

Guillermo: if I could physically move this boat any faster, I would. You know that.

Guillermo: 💝 💞💝 💞 💝 💞

Nandor: Laszlo has entered Colin Robinson in a BEAUTY PAGEANT?

Chapter Text

Guillermo: oh god

Nandor: Guillermo? is everything all right? Is nadja eating you? Tell her politely to stop!

Guillermo: no

Guillermo: sorry

Guillermo: I’m fine. And actually she’s been remarkably chill. We’ve been playing a lot of cards with the crew. Did you know she once won an international poker tournament? We managed to turn these three weird gold doubloons she had in the seam of her dress into $560. Pretty great, right?

Guillermo: anyway, no, I just had a thought. Is colin robinson going to grow up with an English accent?

Nandor: no. surely not!

Nandor: he wouldn’t do that to him, would he?

Guillermo: it doesn’t seem like Laszlo is thinking clearly right now. Like, why did he go to the effort of kidnapping me instead of just putting baby Colin in the coffin to England with him. I think he’s been quietly going through a life crisis even worse than yours.

Nandor: I haven’t been going through a crisis, thank you very much. I was simply working through some things.

Nandor: and anyway I thought we sorted all that. I’m going to turn you in Al Quolindar and then everything is going to be fine forever and ever and we won’t have to talk about this terrible intermission in my relentless reign ever again.

Guillermo: right. sure.

Guillermo: but

Nandor: Guillermo, if you change your mind again I am going to unblock Nadja’s number and tell her everything you think about her taste in interior design.

Guillermo: oh my GOD nandor do NOT do that, she’s already on a knife’s edge as it is. Earlier her dress caught on a snag and she tore an entire crate to shreds. It was sawdust by the time she was done with it.

Guillermo: and I have never once changed my mind about wanting to become a vampire since I was nine years old. YOU are the fangtease here.

Guillermo: anyway I was just going to say that it doesn’t seem like your crisis was really about being lonely. Right? Because you’ve always had me. And I’m pretty sure you’ve always known that. you could have asked me to….spar….with you at any point in the last twelve years and you know I would have said yes.

Nandor: I am unclear on what you are saying to me?

Guillermo: I think you’re bored. And you think that having a life partner or whatever will finally give you a purpose. But it won’t. your life can’t revolve around me or gail or meg or jan or anyone else. That’s just a distraction from the real issue, which is that you don’t do anything you care about. It’s why it was so easy for the wellness center to draw you in. they gave you something to be invested in.

Nandor: Nadja and Laszlo and Colin Robinson (the Former) don’t have purposes.

Guillermo: I don’t think you should be using any of those people as examples of how to live your life. Laszlo is currently promoting baby perfumes on tiktok.

Guillermo: listen, this is something that worries me, too. I’ve spent over a third of my life focussed on one goal: becoming a vampire. What do I do after you turn me? I’d want to make sure my mom is taken care of, and turn her if she wants to be turned. Spend some time helping her get settled into the lifestyle, etc. But after that, what else? Do I just spend all eternity hanging around at home with you? That would drive me mad. I was studying to be a journalist when you picked me up while cruising in that panera bread. I wanted to make a difference to the world! Solve climate change or something!

Nandor: that is a very nice goal. After our world tour you should do that.

Guillermo: well, thanks, I think it’s a bit beyond my skill level but I do appreciate your belief in me. What I was getting at, really, is – what do you want to achieve?

Guillermo: if you had managed to turn into a human after all, what would you have done? Would you have wanted to have a baby? Get a job? Go to university? Why did you even want to be a human?

Nandor: oh. I see what you are getting at here. You are a very devious little rascal, sweet! you want me to find something like leonard hofstadter's desire to study theoretical physics in the big bang theory.

Guillermo: you don’t need to answer now. Just something to think about while you wait in the hotel for me.

Nandor: actually, I’m kayaking right now on a river. A bird pooped on me!

Guillermo: PLEASE send me a picture. I will die if I don’t get a picture.

Nandor: for reals? Oh dear. Here you go.

Guillermo: ahaha you’ve got so damp how did you even manage that.

Guillermo: i can’t believe they convinced you to wear a life jacket when I can barely get you to wear anything that isn’t silk velvet embroidered in 9 carat gold thread.

Guillermo: I miss you so much. 😭

Nandor: seeing the world isn't anywhere near as interesting as i hoped it would be without you at my side. hurry up with your voyage so we can adventure together instead please

Guillermo: I’m TRYING babe!

Chapter Text

Laszlo has added Guillermo and Nandor to a group chat

Chapter Text

Guillermo: I have a question.

Nandor: I’ve told you before, the glitter is very itchy on my skin. I will happily wear it for Ascension Day, your birthday and the Midnight Sun publication anniversary, but that is all. 

Guillermo: no, I know that. I was actually wondering when it was that you invaded Nadja's village - before you became a vampire or after? She mentioned it when she was busy listing all of the wrongdoings her closest companions have waged against her. It is an extremely long list. But it’s been passing the time whenever the ship wifi drops out.

Nandor: oh! the invasion would have been in my prime, with only twenty of my eventual wives. Many moons before my turning.

Guillermo: I see. This was before she was born, wasn’t it? And there was plenty of pillaging and destruction going on during the invasion, was there?

Nandor: what of it, Guillermo. This is all in the distant past now. It was a different time.

Guillermo: this might be totally off-base, so ignore me if I’m being ridiculous. But I was just wondering, based on the timing, if it might be possible that you’re, perhaps, her great-great-grandfather? 

Guillermo: I was just thinking about it, that’s all. Because I remembered that she was very particular about not reading those DNA reports I ordered for you all. 

Nandor: No.

Nandor: that is not possible.

Nandor: why are you saying this to me.

Nandor: this is very offensive, Guillermo. 

Nandor: damn it.

Guillermo: she IS??????

Nandor: it's possible.

Nandor: I wish you had not brought this to my attention.

Guillermo: sorry baby.

Nandor: I was already having a very terrible day.

Guillermo: oh no! did they cancel your caving expedition? I know you were looking forward to meeting the bats. 😢

Nandor: no, the expedition was acceptable. Very adequate provisions were provided. German food. But the bats didn’t speak English! They were very dim indeed.

Guillermo: you drank a german tourist? Do I need to adjust the police files again?

Nandor: only a sip. they enjoyed it actually, they believed it was part of an ‘immersive theatrical caving experience’.

Guillermo: oh good. I’m sorry the bats weren’t vampires. It’s Mexico where the vampire bat colony lives, isn’t it? I’ll add it to the bloodmoon itinerary.

Nandor: I would like that very much. It’s not the same snuggling in bat form without Nadja and Laszlo.  

Guillermo: I miss having you in my shirt pocket, bat-napping while I do my chores.

Nandor: yes. 🥰 😍 again soon, please. How many days, now?

Guillermo: we arrive in London tomorrow! I’ve been helping make arrangements for Nadja via facetime, so she should be all set for coffin pickup. We depart after a 10-hour layover.

Nandor: I shall look forward to it.

Guillermo: can you believe that Colin Robinson has got to the quarter-finals of the pageant? I was totally sure that Laszlo dropped the ball getting his hair permed. But I guess the judges are into that?!

Nandor: Yes! I could not believe it! His dance routine was very poor also, I thought. The turns were sloppy.

Guillermo: oh my god. It’s embarrassing for Laszlo. He needs to get a proper choreographer for him!

Nandor: I told him this to his face and he hung up on me. very shameful. He has been having the BARON to teach him. The baron doesn’t even have legs, Guillermo. What must he know of dance choreography?

Guillermo: 🤦♂️

Guillermo: and what's with laszlo's hatred of colin robinson's competitor jeff (jed? Jep? Josh? The dim one.) he's been posting so many mean things about a toddler online and for WHAT. he's three, laszlo, he can't read!

Nandor: i have never understood anything laszlo chooses to do with his time.

Guillermo: got to go! the Nadja doll wants me to read her emails to her. She packed her glasses in one of laszlo’s porn boxes and can’t find them. It’s driving me nuts – you won’t believe how many arguments she’s in the middle of winning on niche forums. I'm getting repetitive strain injury in my thumbs from all the typing. 

Nandor: eesh. x

Chapter Text

Nandor: I have been thinking more deeply about my purpose, sweet.

Guillermo: you have?! 💖 what have you decided, master?

Nandor: you don’t need to call me master anymore, Guillermo.

Guillermo: no? what if I wanted you to call me master instead?

Guillermo: I mean. I did win our fight.

Nandor: Guillermo! Anyone could be reading these dispatches!

Guillermo: I wouldn’t worry about that, this app is encrypted. Well, I mean – there are some concerns about facebook privacy algorithms, but I don’t think they’re interested in stuff like that particularly.

Guillermo: actually, you know what. you’re right. I don't trust the documentary crew not to hack our accounts and download the transcripts. I'm still mad they just stood back and watched laszlo nail me into a coffin. I could have suffocated in minutes if he hadn't cut me a glory hole!

Nandor: that was very poor of them. They let me embark on the train without telling me of your endangerment too! And they didnt take home your little red suitcase when I left it behind on the platform.

Guillermo: you WHAT? Our dolls were in there! 😫 

Nandor: never mind all that! I am busy agreeing with you here! The crew are not to be trusted with our intimate thoughts.

Guillermo: fine. let’s discuss this in person instead. After our rematch. 👀

Nandor: yes, master.

Guillermo: 🤭😳

Guillermo: you're the only vampire I've ever fought who could actually hold their ground against me. Even if you can't win that's still pretty impressive. 

Nandor: oh, I will win. 

Guillermo: you can sure try

Nandor: I will have you pinned to the ground in seconds

Guillermo: promises, promises!! 

Guillermo: so what did you decide about your life purpose?

Nandor: initially, I plan to resign from the vampire council. I gave politics my best shot, and it is not for me.

Guillermo: that seems like a very sensible move. since you took up the position, you’ve been the unhappiest I’ve seen you in twelve years. And I bet the guide would be really pleased to be promoted.

Nandor: my thinking exactly, dear.

Nandor: after our bloodmoon, I was thinking possibly that I might try to reopen the Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires? since you tragically and heroically murdered all of the actors, musicians, stage managers, directors and stagehands in the troupe, there has been very little in the way of entertainment for vampires. And, as you know, I’ve always had a flare for events planning. I would enjoy the chance to display my glitter art and creepy paper collection to an appreciative audience. Perhaps even some of our orgy lighting supplies could prove useful!

Guillermo: wow, that is an excellent plan. I’m so proud of you babe! I would love to help you organise something like that. Maybe do some of the sketches for set designs? i mean, presumably we'll be hiring a new familiar to take over my chores when we get home. 

Guillermo: and if it turns out you don’t like the theater, we can brainstorm other ideas. we have the rest of our lives to find something that fits.

Nandor: It seems to be taking a very long time for the rest of our lives to get started. Are you sure the boat can’t be going any faster? I could have swam the ocean more quickly than this is taking, Guillermo.

Guillermo: once again: not something that’s within my control.

Nandor: hmf.

Guillermo: only two days to go now. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU! 🔜 💖

Nandor: send me another self-img, please.

Guillermo: one selfie coming up. Are you still hiking up to those hot springs?

Nandor: you look like you could raze a town to the ground in minutes. Is that the waistcoat with the grey pinstripe? That's my favorite.

Nandor: no i got bored and flew the rest of the way. The water is very hot indeed, look!

Guillermo: ooh I really like your hair tied up in a messy bun like that. I should style it that way for you more often. 😍

Nandor: I do not know how to make it silky shiny soft like you do. The scrunchie is hiding my embarrassments.

Guillermo: I’ve already booked us an evening spa session with deep conditioning hair masks for when my train gets in.

Nandor: fucking guy 💘

Chapter Text

Nandor: HE WON?

Guillermo: there’s no way. Absolutely no way. Laszlo must have hypnotised the judges.

Nandor: I think you are correct. That child is an aberration to eyes. It can’t be anything other than cheating.

Guillermo: one of the judges actually fell asleep during his wood-whittling talent act. Though I think that’s because colin robinson was draining him. 

Guillermo: Derek did a surprisingly good job of back up dancing during Colin Robinson's final routine though. I hope Laszlo keeps him on as a babysitter or something.

Nandor: sorry, I can’t talk further, I met the most amazing opera singer witch tonight and she’s taking me out for dinner!

Guillermo: oh.

Guillermo: have fun I guess.

Nandor: good evening!

Nandor: last night was SO fun! She runs a dungeon club for trolls. They had the best incense I’ve smelt in centuries.

Nandor: And the blood liqueur selection! Exquisite delights like you wouldn’t believe!

Nandor: Maud says she’s not had a better evening since the French revolution. It was quite the occasion! We stayed up all day making so many plans!

Nandor: Guillermo? are you there?

Guillermo: I’m here. glad you had a good time.

Guillermo: no, sorry, can we discuss this? Did I misinterpret all of this? I thought we were together now. And I’m not even back in the US and you’re already falling facefirst for milfs again? ? ? ?

Nandor: what?

Guillermo: never mind. I think I’m going to go and stay with my mom for a bit when the boat docks. Have fun with maud I guess

Nandor: Guillermo, it was a business meeting! I think I’m going to hire her for the theater.

Nandor: were you thinking I was doing kissing and cunnilingus with her? That is very silly. I have come to care very deeply for you since we have parted, my dear, sweet Guillermo. I thought you were aware of this.

Nandor: please read your messages! I will be very sad if I don’t get to see you soon!

Nandor: Guillermo? 😞 😞 😞 this falling out is very unnecessary when our long separation is finally nearing its end.

Guillermo: oh. well, now I feel stupid.

Guillermo: but you have dated basically everyone on staten island except me in the last year. You would constantly weep and moan about how difficult it was to find someone to stay by your side when I was standing literally right behind you. You can understand why I might be a bit touchy about the subject, right?

Guillermo: You’re so tall and handsome and impressive and most of the time, people forget I’m in the room halfway through conversations with me. I can’t really compete with a French opera singing witch who owns a speakeasy. It just makes sense that you’d change your mind about this as soon as a better offer came along.

Nandor: I have not been good to you in the past. But there is no better offer than you. It is impossible.

Nandor: You are the best warrior I’ve ever encountered in all of my years. And the only person to miss me when I entered my super slumber. You have cared for me better than I have cared for myself, for many years. As you said, I am only alive today because you let me live. I could not ask for a better bodyguard, friend, companion, life partner, husband. I will not change my mind, now or a thousand years hence. My word is my oath, and it won’t waver. I swear this on the spirit of my beloved John.

Guillermo: oh.

Nandor: Guillermo?

Guillermo: sorry. I was just – crying. A bit.

Guillermo: that’s all fine then, I guess.

Nandor: will you come to me, now? Please?

Guillermo: actually, I got an earlier train. open your coffin.

Chapter Text

Jackie Daytona has added Nadja, Guillermo and Nandor to a group chat

Jackie: Howdy, partners. I’m just a simple Texan man looking to make some local friends in my area.

Nadja: absolutely not you fucking numpty.

Nadja removed Jackie Daytona from the group.

Nadja: how many numbers do I have to block before he gets the message? Idiotic little shrivelled worm of a man child with the brains of a swollen goat.

Nandor: hello Nadja! How is England treating you? Look, we are in AL QUOLINDAR!

Nadja: you have your gizmo back then. I can see from his irritatingly wide smile that he got what he wanted after all. Shorter fangs than I expected, but I suppose they’ll do for such a little man.

Nadja: and you gave him your ermine-lined cape? Really nandor that's a bit much. You tore my arm off last time I tried to borrow that. I suppose you've resigned yourself to the fact that you'll never get the same cut back now he's taken up the hem.

Guillermo: hello, nadja! I miss you!

Nadja: how nice for you. If that fuckwit husband of mine tries to get my new address out of you two, don’t give it to him. He’s haunting the suburbs of Kensington, as if I’d ever live somewhere so tawdry.

Nandor: I think he misses you very deeply, Nadja. Surely you miss him too?

Nadja: yes yes that’s all very well and good but I’m not ready for motherhood. I’m barely in my late 500s! he can bugger off to god knows where until that demon child has grown up a bit.

Guillermo: I doubt it’ll be long. Colin Robinson is already in his cringey teenage phase. He was totally embarrassed by everything his dad did during our last skype.

Nandor: It was all very charming. Laszlo cares for the fellow quite well.

Nadja: oh yes? I’m sure he does, he’s always been a soft touch in the head. but how would you like it if your husband ran off to care for a swamp rat and left you all on your own for decades, nandor?

Guillermo: it’s been six weeks.

Nandor: Guillermo wouldn’t do that to me, anyway, so it’s a very silly question to ask. He is having better sense than to leave my side for even an instant.

Guillermo: plus I’ve already got one swamp rat to care for, I don’t need another.

Nadja: hahah very good gui. You do have quite the wit.

Nandor: what is that supposed to mean?

Guillermo: 😇

Nandor: you will have to excuse us, Nadja. We shall speak to you soon.

Guillermo: time for another rematch? You can fight me as many times as you want, but you’re not going to win.

Nandor: that remains to be seen.

Nadja: urgh you two are disgusting please spare my eyes. I’ve got dinner with the prince in an hour anyway.

Nadja: hello? Am I just talking to myself now? nandor de la cruz, you cotton-headed bimbo, i am speaking to you!

Nadja: disgraceful excuses for vampires I hope you trip over your own cocks and fall into the sun. how did i come to be surrounded by such horribly soft boys.

Guillermo: love you too!