Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Basil felt alone for almost his entire life. Only his grandma was there for him.

He had his friends, but... after the accident...

Sunny hid. Kel moved on. Aubrey hated him. Hero hid, then engrossed himself in school. His grandma was dying. Mari was dead. Basil almost... almost gave up.

But he had hope. Sunny would return. His sun. His tulip.

-

Basil knew it was unhealthy. When he had extra time he would go near Sunny's house and just... wait. Look. He was waiting for so long. He wanted him to come out, but knew he couldn't force it. Something would come back. Something would make Sunny leave him. Like everyone else did. Sometimes he'd take pictures, but they felt so bitter. There wasn't any hint of Sunny's smile, his delicate hands, his soft dark eyes… he gripped the fence.

Life was a living hell other than his obsession with Sunny, along with his… other habit. He'd wake up, usually nauseous. Eat some random crap for breakfast, like cereal or toast. Water his plants; he didn't know why at this point. The cacti were too overwhelming, the gladiolus were now swords that stabbed him, the roses were a shell of what they were without their dead lilies, and the tulips had been overgrown by the massive sunflowers that refused to bloom. The rest of his flowers were boring. Everyone else was. He wanted to see his tulip. Sunny.

-

Walk. Sit. Don't move. She'll see you. She saw you anyway. Everyone is looking. Hide. Run.

Basil ran to the bathroom, going to the last stall. There was more space that way. He didn't know why he went to school other than to avoid disappointing Polly. He passed his classes, but never learned anything. He knew she would be put off by him forever, regardless. She had seen him that night. His weirdness. How he truly was. He smiled regardless, running his fingers up his thigh.

Aubrey was right. He was a massive creep. But she didn't know the truth of it. Something destroyed his photos. That wasn't creepy. It wasn't his fault.

Him and Sunny weren't the same as the rest of his garden. The sunflowers stood tall and protected the tulips against the harsh sun. When him and Sunny reunited, he would be able to take them down. He'd bloom again. But for now he needed to protect him. It hurt, he kept his distance... for the most part.

Until then; until he could save Sunny, he had to endure the swords.

Basil only went back to get his bag and immediately left the room. After forcing down his mediocre school lunch, Aubrey and a couple of the hooligans took Basil outside behind the gym. At one point he fought back, but eventually he gave up on resisting. They'd find him anyways, and he'd get beaten worse. He'd avoid them when he could, but Aubrey saw him today and made up her mind.

This time it was just Aubrey, Kim, and Vance. He felt nauseous after Vance had punched him in the stomach and he'd fallen against the brick, but he was numb to it by now. He still cried. He couldn't stop it. It hurt but he didn't care. They were slinging insults but he drowned it out, white noise burning into Basil's mind. He would think of better things, but that would make being beaten enjoyable. He'd weird them out and they'd probably kill him. He needed to see Sunny first.

Basil stared up at the sky. His nose was bleeding after Kim kicked him in the face. He needed to face towards the sun.

"Weirdo." Basil felt the corners of his mouth curl up. They didn't know half of what he was really like. Vance pulled him up by his hair and pushed him against the wall again. The smile disappeared.

"Basil, you're starting to make this boring." Basil knew what that meant. Aubrey did this when he didn't show a reaction for a few times. He had to lie a bit.

"N-no, don't-" She stomped on his crotch. It hurt. At least it wasn't his thighs. He winced as Vance let him fall to the concrete, instinctively moving his hands down. There was nothing there, but it made him feel better, and would make Aubrey stop. She didn’t know what he didn’t have.

"Finally. Let's leave." The hooligans turned and started to walk away. Basil chuckled in his throat, his own blood dripping in his mouth. It tasted good. He was a good actor. He licked his lips, tasting the slightly sweet blood, looking back up at the sky. The sun shined bright, despite the clouds. He lied for Sunny. He lied about that day. This was so, so much easier in comparison. He’d see him again. Everything was going to be okay.

"What the fuck is that look?" Kim was looking at him.

Oops.

He was smiling.

Chapter Text

Basil didn't know why his parents were constantly absent. By the time he was old enough to ask they had stopped coming. The last time they made contact was 2 years ago when they were in the process of hiring Polly, and he hadn't seen them in person other than once, right after he moved in with his grandmother. He didn't want to.

Basil did have a few memories with them, though. He was born wrong. By the time he could think, he felt like his body was incorrect. He didn't know how. Every time his parents put him in a girly shirt or dress, he would want to tear it off. He didn't need a shirt all the time. Other boys in the neighborhood didn't need them when they played in the sprinklers or jumped in the lake. Why did he?

When Basil was 5 he figured out what it was. He was supposed to be a girl. Girls weren't supposed to be shirtless. He didn't really understand still. What was the problem with that? He was a kid. He felt better that way. His parents were frustrated. He moved in with his grandma.

By 6 his parents finally accepted that he would not stand down, and would continue to destroy any girly clothes they got him. They took him to a therapist, having no idea what to do, and explained to the therapist what was going on while he played with some tassels, sequins, and beads on a pillow. He didn't care about them. He just wanted to stop wearing those clothes. He didn’t see them again.

At 9 Basil started to feel sad. All the time. His reflection made him uncomfortable. His parents would only call his grandma about once a month, and he refused to talk to either of them, angry for abandoning him. His body felt even more wrong than before. Basil’s grandma didn't really understand what was wrong or why he felt the way he did, but at least she called him "he." She took him back to therapy.

They gave him puberty blockers. The therapist had decided he was too young to go on hormones. Basil would have to stab himself once a month with them. He didn't know how it would help. He wanted to talk about more, but was scared they wouldn't let him go.

At 10 he fully realized what was wrong with him. They separated the boys and the girls at school, and they learned about puberty. Him and Aubrey sat together and stared at the diagrams, confused. Basil was a boy. Why did he have those parts? Why was he not allowed to be the same as the other boys? Is that why he was miserable? Why didn't he belong?

Aubrey helped him through his dysphoria. She was very effeminate, and it let Basil be more masculine between both of them. Basil didn’t tell her about what he had, because she already knew he was a boy. No one in town misgendered him when he was around Aubrey, either. His hair was still a bit long, but most people in Faraway didn't know better or were nice.

One night he broke down. Basil tried to take a bath but accidentally looked at himself just a bit too long. His chest wasn't flat enough. He was wrong. He was a freak. When would his voice get deeper? He knew the blockers prevented any change, but he felt like a little girl. The boys didn't like flowers as much as him, and in a rage, he stomped on his one sunflower he’d grown from a seed, all by himself, and killed it. Boys don't like flowers.

His grandma finally comforted him and reassured him. Right now, he was going back and forth across a road. When he started testosterone he would be following it. He had to wait a long time, more than 6 years. He didn't want to.

Basil sat in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He thought about his grandma’s words. She was right. He needed to be patient. He still felt bad though. He placed his hands on his sternum under his shirt and traced lines to the sides. The blockers prevented him from having a chest, along with him being a bit too young for it to happen, but just the small amount fat there was still too much. He wanted to rip it out.

Why did he have to deal with this? Everyone just did what they were supposed to and didn't have to deal with these thoughts. Normal people didn't want to slice themselves open like a plush and remove their own stuffing.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He imagined a blue bunny ripping out pink stuffing from itself, ferociously filling itself with blue stuffing from another ripped open and lifeless bunny nearby, inside and outside both blue. He wished he could take the blue entirely. He wouldn't have to wait that way.

Basil kept thinking about it the next day. As he walked back from the store with new flower seeds to replace the one he killed, he saw a group of boys playing basketball in the park. The blue bunnies.

Basil clutched at his shirt, feeling an anxiety attack coming on. The bunnies were back. It turned darker. The blue became red. The stuffing became organs. Basil was ripping his womb out; what was incorrect. He was taking organs from another boy and shoving them into himself. In his daydream, he was happy. In real life, he was horrified. He collapsed on the ground. Aubrey saw him from the swings and helped him up. She assumed he just got dizzy. There was blood on his hands, at least in his mind.

Aubrey brushed it off and walked back with Basil. He panicked in front of her often. He wanted to hold her hand, but didn't want to dirty her with his thoughts. They each held one of the bag handles until they got to the crossroad for their houses.

"Oh! Basil! I met some new friends today. They helped me find my shoe." She wiggled her foot, showing she got it back. "Would you want to meet them soon? One of the boys, Sunny, also likes to draw and reads a lot! He's a bit quiet, but fun!" Basil smiled. He didn't really have anyone other than Aubrey, and Aubrey was the same. It would be a good distraction. He'd stop thinking about that, hopefully.

"Sure!"

Chapter Text

Basils grandma was worried. Basil didn't want to go anywhere and she had noticed. He was either in bed or in the backyard with his plants. It was like this for two weeks. He hadn't said anything. She felt him suffering, but didn't know what to do.

"Basil, honey, it's almost midnight. You need to come back in." Basil was wrapped in a blanket, coated in moonlight, sitting near his sunflowers. His grandma stood on the slab of concrete, orange light coming from inside. At night, everything was blue. His grandma was right, but he enjoyed the breeze. He rubbed a leaf on his tallest sunflower.

The boy Aubrey mentioned was named Sunny. Basil thought it was a bit funny. He was named after a plant, and plants needed the sun. He didn't know anything about him, but maybe he'd help him grow. Plants didn't have genders, he thought.

Basil jumped when he felt a hand on his back.

"Basil. I don't fully understand you, and I probably never will, but I've been seeing you struggle a lot lately. Do you want to talk about it?" His grandma sat next to him shakily. She was staring to need a cane, but was refusing to use it.

"...I don't." He felt tears burn in the back of his eyes. He wanted to explain the intrusive thoughts he was having but knew she wouldn't understand. She'd be scared of him.

"Is it your… dysphoria?" Basil nodded. It was close enough.

"Look, I... I know I don't understand it. But I know you're a boy. Aubrey is a sweet girl, but I think maybe you need a male friend too. I know that’s easier said than done, though. Maybe we should find something fun over the summer, yeah?" Basil held a leaf from the flower in his hands. He was a mistake. He ripped it off. He tried to hold back sobs as he felt his grandmas hands rub circles in his back.

"...y-yeah."

They had both gotten up and Basil wiped the dirt off him. They sat in silence for a bit at the table, his grandmas soft hands on his own. He didn't deserve her. He felt too old for it, but smiled gratefully when his grandma tucked him in with his pink bunny plush.

-

Basil's grandma had approached him eagerly the next morning, handing him a brochure.

"I know you want to belong. This seems fun!"

It was a boys summer camp, and he was allowed to go.

-

Basil didn't know anyone there. He wished Aubrey was with him, but he was glad she wasn’t, because it meant he was included as a boy. Basil daydreamed through most of it. The image of blood pooling out of him still hadn't fully gone away. At least he was allowed to take his shirt off when they went swimming.

Basil couldn't swim, but he liked looking for shells and rocks in the shallows. The sun felt nice on his pale skin, despite knowing the sunburn that would come. At first, he felt weird with the boys being able to see him, but no one cared. He still felt on guard, especially after something touched his back. He didn’t see it.

-

"Huh." The group was lost. The scout was new, and after they went on a hike to a lake farther from camp, they were stuck at a bottom of a cliff. They didn't know where to go. Basil waited silently as everyone else panicked. His thoughts were taking over what was happening, even though it was an emergency. He pulled out a tiny sketchbook he’d gotten a bit ago and started doodling flowers. It cheered him up.

"Oh! What if we used a rope to climb up? It would be fun that way!" One of the more energetic kids suggested. Kel. Basil ignored him. He was interested in him because his hair was longer, but he was the most boyish boy he'd met so far.

Basil knew he wasn't strong enough to climb up, would be last, and would inevitably embarrass himself. He curled up on the rock he was sitting on, waiting for the inevitable humiliation. The flowers were becoming more pointy and unhinged as he got more anxious.

"Come on, bro, how is the rope supposed to get up there?" Kel's brother commented. He thought his name was Henry, but Basil wasn't sure. Kel called him something else sometimes.

"That's a good point, Hero!" That was his name.

“Well, we can use a noose!" Most of the boys gasped a bit. Basil froze. His skin felt cold.

"Isn't that used when people kill themselves?" One of the older kids blurted out. Most of the boys looked at him. Basil was now paying attention.

"Well, yes, sometimes, Rai. But it can be very helpful sometimes! It's basically what a lasso is, but tends to be tighter. There's a tree branch up there we can loop it on, and when it's pulled tight, we can climb up!" Oh. He thought of the bunnies again, digging his nails in his arm when he imagined one strangling another with it.

The guide took a rope out his backpack that was for his hammock. He ushered everyone to come look. Basil wanted to see. It was the first thing he was interested in turning the camp. He paid attention carefully.

Basil practiced tying it on his hoodie string while he waited at the end of the line. He slipped the loop over his finger and pulled. His finger tip started to turn pink. He pulled tighter. It started to turn blue. Maybe he'd try again later.

-

Basil was the last one up. He knew he'd be behind, but not this badly. He was out of breath from just climbing halfway up. His hands trembled as he started to slip. He felt the rope between his legs and panicked. It reminded him what wasn't there. The group was trying to encourage him, but his head was filled with static. He didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to feel their eyes judging how pathetic he was, he didn’t want to be here anymore. His hair was long and hid his face a bit, at least.

Basil stiffened and just held on. He didn't hear anything but high pitched buzzing. He opened his eyes and looked up at one of his hands. It was pink, rubbed raw in the center. He was squeezing so hard. He didn't want them to be pink. They started to turn red, bleeding a bit. The rope was thin and dug into his palms. It hurt, but they weren't pink anymore. The group started to pull him up.

-

Basil hid his hands from the scout leader. He laughed and brushed it off as being scared of heights when he got stuck. The rope was black and no one saw the blood.

Basil wanted to enjoy being with a bunch of boys, but he still didn't feel like he fit in. He let his mind go on auto pilot as he walked, taking back out his sketchbook. He started to draw the noose. He stopped and saw he had smudged some of his blood on his paper. He smiled.

It was pretty.

Chapter Text

Basil was up most of the night. He got put next to Kel in the cabin. Everyone picked where they wanted to sleep for the last day, and he didn't know where to go, so he got put where there was space. Kel snored really loud. And moved. A lot. He almost slapped Basil in the face when he turned aggressively and his arm flopped down. He needed to recover socially before school. His grandma would let him. He wondered how his plants were doing. Sunflowers...

Would Sunny accept him like this? Basil had no idea how he'd be. He was the only name Aubrey had said. She seemed to really think they'd get along. Basil had never had a male friend before. Aubrey was his only friend, other than his grandma. When he wasn't around her at school, he didn't even think. It didn't matter if he was alone, if he looked right, or did what he was supposed to. Strangers would just stare at him, and he'd stare back. A smile usually made them stop, but it was always felt judgmental. He knew he was a freak.

"...you awake?" Basil sat up slowly and met eyes with the boy in front of him. Oh. It was Rai. Basil felt uncomfortable. He nodded.

"Woah, your eyes are really bright." Basil blushed.

“Th-thanks?" He didn't want it to come off as a question, but he didn't know what to respond with.

"Wanna go outside and hang out?" Basil didn't want to, but he was just steeping in his thoughts in the cabin. Fresh air would help. He nodded again.

-

Rai leaned against the wall near the door. The orange lantern and his matching orange hoodie were the only colors other than the blue hues given by the full moon. Basil stood just outside of the light and enjoyed the blueness. He let his mind empty. It was unpleasant, but better than panicking.

"So, why are you here? You don't seem to be enjoying anything." Rai said in a matter-of-fact manner. Basil didn't notice until after he talked, but he was smoking. It hurt his lungs a bit, but he didn't really care.

Basil didn't know what to say. Only the scouts and himself knew the truth.

"...I… I w-wanted to learn about tying k-knots."

"For what? It's not really a focus here."

"I... d-don't know. I think they're pretty..." It was partially true, so Basil felt better about lying. Rai hummed, taking another drag off it.

"Odd thing to find pretty. I suppose it's not too weird. I like weird music! A lot."

"I like plants, t-too. They're cute. They don't have genders..." Why did he say that?

"I guess? I was wondering something, by the way. You're a girl, right? Isn't this camp just for guys?"

Basil felt a pain in his chest. His organs were spilling. Rai saw the pink.

"Woah , calm down, I didn't know it was a touchy subject. Sorry." Basil wasn't trying to, but he curled in on himself, slowly crouching to the ground and starting to cry. How was he supposed to survive like this? No one had said it before. What would happen when he grew up? No one wanted a freak like him. He was a girl. He hated this. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to go home.

He wanted to die.

Basil froze after thinking that. A smile of his grandma flashed in his mind. Aubrey holding his hand. Warm sunlight as he sat in the garden. Friends he hadn't even met. He started to sob. He didn't want to cry. He felt horrible for even thinking that.

Rai had dropped his cigarette and stomped it out on the ground, crouching by Basil.

"Hey man, it's okay. Look at me. It's okay." Rai touched his shoulder, making Basil flinch away and fall. Basil cried harder, covering his eyes.

"Basil, you need to look at me. Don't worry. Everything is going to be okay." Basil didn't want to look. He was already embarrassed enough. Rai grabbed his wrists, Basil kicking at him, knowing he was just trying to pull them away from Basil's face. He just felt pain. They made eye contact. Fear was all he felt now. Basil tried to stand up but stumbled back down, looking at the gravel, feeling it dig into the wounds on his hands.

"Dude, you need to calm down! We're gonna get in trouble." On cue, they both heard crunching and saw the flashlight of a scout nearby. Rai forced Basil up, tears still flowing and his body stiff, pulling him into the woods. Darkness surrounded them. Basil was afraid, and still panicking, but at least knew Rai couldn't see his ugly crying anymore.

"That was close.” Basil continued crying for a bit, sitting uncomfortably on a bunch of pine needles on the ground, finally calming down as he realized that Rai wasn’t trying to hurt him. He wiped his face off, sighing.

“So, I get you don't want to talk about it, but… I feel like that was a bit extreme for what I said. Can I just guess until I get it and you hum yes? I don’t want you to stay upset all night.” Basil tried to nod, forgetting it was dark, and let out a simple hum.

"Okay. It was about your gender. Are you a girl?"

More tears formed in Basil's eyes. He didn't know what to respond with.

"I-I..n.." The words wouldn't come out. Basil was close to sobbing again. Rai waiting a bit before sighing himself.

“This isn't getting anywhere, is it? Maybe we should just go back. We have to wait a bit for that dude to leave." Rai kicked at some dirt.

"N-No! I-it just... hurts to talk like t-this." Basil gasped for air as his lungs tightened. He broke through his silence.

"I c… I can talk n-now…” Basil took a deep breath and steadied himself, as much as he could after that.

"Okay, good. Just try to stay calm. That’s all you need to do right now. Are you sure you want to keep going?”

"N-not really... but… I need to. No one knows, except my grandma, a-and my one friend."

Rai hummed in curiosity.

"I'm dysphoric."

Rai started laughing. Why did he laugh?

"That's not how that works! You mean dysphoria, right? Ohhh! You're trans! That's really it? I'm sorry I misgendered you, your hair is long. and no one mentioned you, so I didn't know."

Basil felt embarrassed. He really had a panic attack because of this. Trans? What is that, like trains?

"W-What's that mean?"

"Transsexual. Transgender. Literally ‘across genders.’”

"Oh…” Basil heard that before, but thought it was an adult thing.

Rai pulled his lighter out after a bit more silence, lighting a large branch he kicked earlier.

"How old are you, by the way? I just turned 17." Rai crouched down and stuck the branch in the ground, joining Basil on the ground.

"Oh, I'm 10… a-as of February."

Rai gave Basil a sad look. “Man... that sucks."

"Why does it… s-suck?" Basil knew it wasn’t a curse word, but felt bad saying it. Rai was looking at him weird again. Stop. They both glanced at the fire.

"One of my friends, Charlene, is also trans. No one respects her because she's so tall. They call her Charlie. She didn't start identifying as a girl until almost 13, and her family struggled with accepting it. A lot. She had it... worse. She has 6 siblings, and one of her brothers is a real ass. He calls her slurs. It’s horrible.”

Basil frowned. He didn’t know there was anyone else like that in faraway. They’d have to meet.

“...that’s horrible. No one has ever treated me badly about it… my… my parents… were weird about it, but I guess I would be if my kid was shredding clothes for no reason.” Basil said a full sentence without stuttering. Yes! He was starting to feel kind of weird. He knew people at the church thought things like that, but never said them to him.

“Charlene did that too.” Basil was both happy and sad. He wasn’t alone.

“Another issue I have is that, sometimes, I have... bad thoughts...” Rai hummed curiously.

“They t-terrify me. I don’t know... what’s.. what’s wrong with me?” Basil was starting to cry again. He didn’t get it. He felt so happy someone was talking to him.

“Nothing is wrong with you. I’m studying to be a therapist, which is why I wanted to talk. I want to do for people what music does for me.” Basil thought that was nice. Therapists scared him, but Rai was welcoming.

“It’s unfortunately common for trans people to have crappy mental health. It must suck, especially with how young you are. Do you wanna go in depth?” Basil wanted to say no but this would be his only chance.

“Mhm... I keep... imagining things. Imagining-“ Basil took a deep breath. “Ripping myself open. And other p-people.”

“Yeesh, that must be scary. I imagine that’s hard for you. I wouldn’t have guessed you were thinking like that.” Rai was so nice. He wasn’t scared.

“There’s m-more. I want to… t-take the boys parts… and… replace what’s wrong with me.” Basil felt weird. This is wrong. He shouldn’t have said this. He should have just pretended to be asleep.

“...that’s... you’re barely 10.” Rai had dropped eye contact awhile ago. He was scaring him. Basil felt panicked, but... it was kinda interesting. People always ignored him. People always took pity on him. People were always disappointed in him. Maybe he was more interesting if people knew his thoughts.

“I… I imagine the blood dying me blue. Their... o-organs... spilling to their sides. It feels great.” He was lying. He hated the thoughts. But the facial expression Rai made… he loved it. He was scared. Basil was stronger than him. He held a slight grin.

“Basil… you really need to stop thinking like that. What if you hurt someone?” Rai was now gripping onto his shorts.

“Then I’d have their parts.” Basil forced a creepy smile and made eye contact. Rai quickly stood up, looking at Basil with disgust for a moment. He turned, not even glancing at Basil.

“You’re fucking weird. Get some real help. I’m outta here.”

Basil giggled a little. It hurt still. He knew no one would accept him. He cried regardless, laying back and having the forest rummage sticking in his hair while the branch crackled.

“Mhh… I wonder how long my friendship with Aubrey would last if she knew… she would be terrified.”

He imagined Aubrey grimacing at him in fear. It was beautiful. This was beautiful.

He was beautiful.

Chapter Text

Rai refused to go near Basil after last night. He assumed that he left early in the day because of their... talk. He was fine with it. He had fun messing with him last night, but he didn’t want other people to see it, or for him to tell.

Basil sat away from everyone as he waited for his grandma to get him. This whole thing was a failure. At least he had a bit of fun at the end.

The drive back was awkward. His grandma kept asking questions and he didn’t know how to respond. He mentioned they climbed and learned a bit about some ropes, as well as the time at the lake, along with other boring group activities like painting.

“Maybe we should get you in some swim lessons. It’s important to know!”

She was right, but Basil didn’t want to. Water was scary. His mind was preoccupied. He kept re-enacting what the scout did with a strap on his backpack. He kept imagining himself smiling while choking. He didn’t want to die, but he wanted to be close. His skin would turn blue and it was another dirty secret he could reveal later. He wasn’t weak. He could do that to himself and be fine.

“Basil? Did you hear me?” Basil was startled a bit. He looked out the window as he saw the mountains flash by. He looked back down at his lap.

“N-no, sorry grandma. What was it?”

“Do you wanna get a haircut before school? We have a week left and it would be a good conversation starter!”

He thought back to Rai commenting on his hair. He didn’t want to be labeled as a girl again.

“Yeah. It’s... a bit long.”

“First day of middle school! Should be exciting, huh?”

“...Mhm.” Basil glanced out the window again. The sun was bright.

“I hope I’m not alone again.” Basil’s grandma looked back at him the back seat.

“Of course not! You made some new friends there, right?”

“N-no...” Basil started crying again. Why was he such a crybaby?

“Oh. Well, moving to a new school will bring new kids over from the town next to Faraway. You gotta look up a bit. Aubrey will be around for you too, even if she’s not at the same school.”

“Yeah, she will. I just... I’m annoying.” He gripped his shorts and dug his nails into his thighs. Aubrey was too good for him. He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve anything.

“Basil, we talked about this. You need to stop saying things like that.”

“Yeah. Sorry, Grandma.”

They sat in silence for a bit. Basil fiddled with the strap again.

“A-Aubrey... actually made new friends. I-I want to meet them, but... will they accept me? I’m... I’m weird.” Basil’s grandma chuckled a little.

“Well, everyone’s weird! I’m sure it’ll be okay. Just be confident!”

“I-I’ll try.”

The rest of the drive was silent, other than his grandma occasionally humming. Basil wanted to go to bed. He was still tired. He went crazy last night. He had laid on the ground in the woods for a bit, before sneaking back in the cabin. Rai was still there, but laid on his stomach, Basil couldn’t see him. Basil kept thinking about his reaction last night. He kept giggling to himself every few minutes in the dark, not really sure why. After enough time he just sat there, looking at the ceiling. There was no way he could sleep after that.

It felt wrong. He liked it but it was so wrong. Sleeping would reset him and the thoughts would go away. Everything was going to be okay. The world seemed to not exist as he sat in the car. Everything was blurry. Basil rubbed his hands together but couldn’t feel them. Maybe he should draw again. They still had an hour back. He wouldn’t be able to sleep in the car.

He nearly laughed when he opened to the noose, a small whimper coming out instead. What was wrong with him? He kept thinking this, but continued to trace from the top, around the loop, and around where the knot was.

“Oh? Did you draw some of the plants you saw there?” She glanced back. Basil quickly turned the page back to his chaotic daisies.

“There was mostly j-just trees. I drew from m-memory.” God. Could he not stutter for once? Lying was hard. It was kind of fun, though.

“You should show me later! I love seeing your drawings.” They sat in silence for a bit again. Basil carefully tore out the drawing and put it in his pocket. She couldn’t know. His grandma was his only real support. He needed their relationship to stay the same. Basil didn’t want her to worry more, even though she should.

They stopped for a bit near the foothills, at a small diner. Basil completely disassociated the entire drive and just stared outside. He didn’t want to feel anything. He didn’t want the high yesterday or the lows he felt before. It hurt, but it was better like this.

Basil got a small sandwich and his grandma just got some coffee. He kept his hands in his lap. He was trembling. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to go home.

“Basil, are you okay? You look a bit... sick. Is something wrong?”

Yes. Something was very wrong. There was so much wrong with him.

“A b-bit tired. It was... hot. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Are you lying to me, Mr. Adams?”

“...yes.” Basil couldn’t lie to her. He felt bad. He glanced at his hands. There were scabs and the skin was red where the rope dug in.

“Hm. No tea tonight.” Basil looked up at her, a little bit in disbelief that she’d say that for such a small lie. Grandma made good tea. That wasn’t fair.

“Don’t look at me with your blue puppy dog eyes like that. You can sleep when we get back. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I was joking.” She took a sip of her coffee and leaned back a bit, looking out the window. Basil glanced too. The area was pretty. He wish he’d appreciated it more, but his mind was racing too much.

He needed to eat. Maybe that was it.

-

That wasn’t it. Basil still felt anxious and weird. At least he stopped thinking about Rai and the noose. He needed to do something about his hands. He didn’t want his grandma to see. She’d get mad and disappointed. He leaned his head on the window and shut his eyes. He didn’t fall asleep, but he pretended to.

“...I’m worried.”

Chapter Text

When they got back, Basil dropped his bag on the floor of his room and didn't respond to his grandma. He was too tired. He wanted to shower. There was still dirt in his hair. He needed to sleep more.

Basil face planted on his bed and instantly relaxed. It took only a couple minutes before he was knocked out.

-

"Basil." He was in the middle of the dark. There was nothing. The ground was cold and wet under Basil's feet.

"Don't worry."

Basil glanced around. Where was this coming from?

"Everything is going to be okay."

No it wouldn't.

"Look at me."

Basil's head snapped down. Rai was looking at him. He smiled softly as a red line slid across his throat. Blood poured out the wound of Rai's neck, but he kept his smile. Basil stepped back but his figure stayed attached to his feet.

Rai's face turned into an inhuman frown. His face slowly dripped away with his features melting into blood. Basil knelt down.

"Do it."

He stuck his hands in. They were red. Basil smoothed the mess over his neck and face. This was right. This was correct.

Then why was he crying?

-

Basil woke up with a deep gasp as he pushed himself up. He couldn't even process whatever that was. He ran a hand across his throat. His eyes fluttered around his room and he blinked a few times before a knock came on his door.

"Basil? It's a bit late. You don't wanna mess up your schedule. I need some help with dinner." Grandma, of course. Basil took a deep breath. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. He was okay. No one was hurt.

"O-okay, I need a bit though."

He looked at his palms. They were a bit raw but weren't swollen anymore. Everything still felt wrong. Why didn't this feeling go away?

Basil dug his nails into one of his palms. It hurt. He focused on the pain. He tensed up and closed his eyes. He thought of blood dripping. It... relaxed him, oddly.

What the hell had happened to him? He opened his eyes and looked at his hands. He needed help. He needed therapy. His hands shook. Grandma was waiting. He needed to calm down. He took a deep breath, but his entire body rattled as he let it out.

He couldn't do this. Tears formed once again. Basil didn't like crying, but he did it so much that it was one of the only things that calmed him down. He allowed it. He thought about his grandma finding him and giving him a hug. He cried harder, now audible from a distance.

"Basil? Are you ready yet? I can handle the rest, but I figured you might want to help." She had the tone that made Basil want to hug her. He could hear the worry. Someone loved him still. He sniffled and walked to the door, putting on a strained smile. He opened to door gently.

Rai's distorted face glared back at him. Basil closed the door quickly and locked it, running back to his bed. He couldn't do this. His heart was racing. Basil pulled his sheets around him and stared at the light underneath the door from the kitchen, scared if he even blinked that thing would look back at him.

He sat in fear for a long time, occasional knocking coming from the other side. White noise drowned out what was being said. Basil closed his curtains, letting the room turn pitch black as the time went on. If he couldn't see anything, he wouldn't get scared again. He couldn’t handle this anymore. He got up. Basil felt around in his closet for a bit. He finally found it.

His jump rope. Basil never used it; he didn't really play like most kids. It never interested him. He ran the rope between his hands, letting it sting the raw skin on his palms. He closed his eyes and indulged in the pain. His breathing was still unsteady but this was a nice distraction from the intense fear he had been feeling.

He tucked the rope under his covers and finally peaked out. He was still scared. But his grandma was waiting, and that was almost an hour ago. Basil didn't want to talk to her, but he was hungry and needed to use the bathroom, and didn't want to have another heart to heart. He didn't know what else to do.

The light hurt his eyes before they adjusted. He sniffed and smelled. It was his favorite food; fried tofu with sesame oil, rice, and bell peppers. He let his fear wash away with the familiarity and wasn't nervous anymore.

Basil peaked in and hoped his grandma had left and he could sneak the food back. Nope. There was a bowl with foil covering it on the table, and she was standing in the kitchen. Basil straightened his hair a bit, despite its fluffy chaotic nature being amplified by days in the woods and a lack of showering.

"...mm. Grandma?"

She jumped a bit and fumbled with the eggs she was holding, and ended up dropping them. They cracked open on the floor. Basil couldn't help but smile a little. She played it off and walked up to Basil.

"Hey there, was just practicing my amazing juggling skills. Anyways, hi! Are you doing okay, sweetie? You scared me a bit. You usually respond when I knock. You gave me a scary look earlier." She leaned down a bit to get better eye contact. Her and Basil both had piercing bright blue eyes and whacky blonde hair, although hers was getting closer to white.

"U-um, yeah. I’m okay. Just… a bad- really bad nightmare." Basil looked down. He didn't want to lie. But he didn't know what else to say. Going "hey grandma, I scared a teenage boy with my thoughts about killing people, then dreamed rubbing his blood on me" was not a good idea. His grandma gave a worried look, messing up his hair even more with a rustle, and a pat.

"Maybe you just need some food and some time to relax. Do you wanna go out in the garden later? I'm making some cookie dough right now, but dinner is on the table." He did. Basil hummed yes and let himself smile. It was getting better. He was getting better.

-

Basil and his grandma had a fun night. They ate dinner, made cookies, and watched a simple animated movie, Aladdin. Basil found kids movies a bit immature, but thought some of the more out of place jokes made them better than real life movies. He wished someone would take him away and let him have wishes. He’d want a big garden with every plant, every animal, and someone who’d love him no matter what.

Basil took a bath, still avoiding the mirror. Once he was done, they both went outside and watered the plants they forgot to earlier. Basil didn't want this to end. He loved his grandma.

-

"Alright, Basil. It's almost 10. I know you slept quite a bit, but you should try to go to bed now if you can." Basil was humming happily on the couch with his cookie. What she said shot through him like an arrow. He'd have to see that again.

Maybe he could do something else and he'd dream about that instead. He looked down at his mug. His hand was shaking again. He put it down and swallowed the rest of the cookie. "A-alright, grandma." Basil sat on his hands and dug his nails into his palms again. A distraction.

Chapter Text

Basil rinsed out his mug and went into the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He always avoided the mirror, but… he needed to see what he looked like.

It was barely noticeable, but the skin under his eyes was a bit darker. His hair was a bit messy, but it almost always was. He leaned forward and held his face in his hands, looking at the pale freckles under his eyes. It was weird. He oddly felt... okay with what he saw. He squished his cheeks a bit and laughed a little. He was fine for once.

Basil was ready for bed. He hugged his grandma goodnight and quietly shut the door to his room, putting his dirty clothes from earlier in his own basket. He felt a small tinge of panic but suppressed it fast. He sat on his bed. Hm? There was something under the covers.

Basil pulled out the rope. Every negative emotion he had came back at once, swirling violently in his stomach. He really did that. He really scared a teenager by just being honest, and enjoyed it.

Basil couldn't tell anyone again. He took the handles in his hands and looked at the rope. It was white, minus a few dirty spots. He moved his hands. Cross the end over, tie it around itself, and tighten the knot. He repeated exactly what the scout had said. Basil tied a large knot at the other end.

He wasn't going to do it. He wasn't going to die. Basil would get close then stop. He would choke a bit, hate it, then stop. He could look at the mark after in the mirror, be disgusted, and move on. He peaked out his door again and it was dark. Grandma was finally in bed.

He opened the door slightly, and tossed the non-looped end over the edge near the center. The weight of the knot kept itself over. He closed the door and pulled the rope taught, standing on his tip toes to reach. Basil didn't have a desk, but had a simple chair in a corner of his room he liked to read at. He picked it up and brought it over.

It felt weird. No one even knew he was doing this. Basil stood on the chair and slipped the loop over his neck. He shuddered slightly. The purple handle tapped against his chest. He took a deep breath and relaxed the muscles in his body.

The noose tightened immediately and harshly. Basil panicked on instinct and tried to stand back up, beginning to choke. He stood on the edge of the chair. He tried to pull it closer,!but his socks slipped on the wood.

Then the chair fell over. Basil slammed back into the door, suspended around a foot above the ground.

He was dying. Basil grasped at the rope around his throat, digging into his neck. It burned. He tried to stretch his toes down and stop it. He was too high. He kicked at the door again. The noose was preventing him from breathing, squeezing his throat. He tried to pull himself up. Too weak.

Basil couldn't help but smile, his lower body going limp. He couldn't even do this right. He kicked the edge of the door again and held onto the rope as best as he could, the burning familiar in his hands. He'd die slowly. It fit. He was a nuisance. Aubrey had new friends. Grandma had the garden. He was just another flower that wilted.

He let go. Basil couldn't help but gasp for air. That was why someone couldn't just their your breath and die. The body would struggle to live, regardless of what the brain commanded. He clasped his hands together and gave a small smile, feeling an odd pressure behind his eyes. He'd be free, finally. Then he felt it. The mix of panic and bliss he'd gotten familiar with. He tensed up and let out a wheeze, passing out. He had one thought before he was gone.

This feels familiar.

Chapter Text

To his surprise, Basil woke up. He was looking at the ceiling. It wasn't long after he passed out. The noose was still tight around his neck and the chair was still nearby. The knotted end was behind him. He blinked and looked around hazily, trying to sit up. His leg hurt. He must have fallen on it wrong.

"BASIL! Oh...oh my god. Honey..." Grandma. Basil felt tears in his eyes, coughing. She did care. Basil was pulled into the tightest hug he'd ever felt, feeling his lungs struggle. His grandma trembled and sobbed into his shoulder. He let her. Basil closed his eyes. He didn't know how to feel.

"Sweetie I... I had no idea. I had no idea it was this bad. Your therapist said that... that suicide rates were high in transgender people b-but... you seemed so happy tonight. I thought you were okay..." As much as it hurt, Basil was glad he hid it well. She knew now that something was wrong with him, but maybe she'd feel bad and he'd get more cookies and doting from her. Grandma was all he had.

Basil wanted to be okay and brush it off, but he couldn't. He hugged her back. He didn't want to die. He told himself that repeatedly. There was so much pain he had to endure, but there was so much he didn't experience. He wanted friends. He wanted to see Aubrey free from her crappy mom. He wanted...

He wanted his parents. That broke him in and he started crying with her, unevenly. Both of their shoulders were wet with tears. Maybe the crybaby-ness was genetic. Basil had one memory with them and it was negative. Maybe that's why he was screwed up. He didn't know. It was all maybes.

After a bit, the two blondes calmed down. Basil's grandma looked in his eyes and pulled the noose off his neck slowly. Basil shuddered when one of her nails touched his neck. He focused on her flower pin. She told him about how she got it a long time ago; one of her college friends had made it by hand as a gift between her and Grandpa’s first anniversary. Basil never met him. He didn't know where he was, and didn't care. All he needed was her.

"I... I don't know what to do now. What do you need? What's missing?" Nothing was missing. She was right here. Basil didn't need anyone else. No one else needed him. He hugged her again, burying his face in her chest.

"N-nothing… I love you." His voice strained. He didn't care. He always had problems talking. She put a hand in his hair.

"Basil... you don't have to lie. Something is wrong. I can tell. There wouldn’t… be any other reason." Her tone felt off. She looked at the chair.

"I... I just- I feel empty. I don't want anything. I just- just want to be here. W..." Basil wanted to keep going. He did. But. Rai stuck in his mind again. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't scare her. He needed to be innocent.

"I- I was so lonely at that camp. N-no one looked at me. How... how long will this last? Will... anyone love me? I'm-I'm not normal." Half truth.

"Basil. That's not true. You might be a little different, but there’s nothing wrong with you. I love you. I love you so much. I'd do anything for you. And... I have. I know it's touchy, but... I had to cut off my daughter; your mom, for you. I don't know what went wrong, but... that man she was with. I'll never forgive him for what he did to you. She didn't care. Anna was broken by that monster. I don't want you to end up like her..."

Basil had no idea what she was talking about. He remembered nothing about them. Confusion swirled in his chest. What did his dad do?

"I don't... I don't know what… what happened?" Did he want to know? What would this lead to?

Basil's grandma gently pushed Basil off of her. "Basil. I'm going to be honest. It's good you don't remember. Maybe I will tell you, eventually. But... you only turned 10 a few months ago. I don't know if you even could understand how wrong it- everything- was." Basil was curious, but her tone was serious. He didn't want to know. Just… whatever was happening in his subconscious was probably causing this. Basil brought his hand to his throat, feeling. He was surprised that he couldn't feel a mark. It was a bit tender, though.

"I understand. I don't want to know, either." Basil's grandma nodded and smiled at him.

"I'm... I'm glad I made it in time. I'm glad you're here. Please... don't forget that." Tears welled up in her eyes again. Basil strained a smile.

"Y-yeah, me too."

Chapter Text

Basil and his grandma sat on the floor for a long time. They both started nodding off as Basil sat in her lap and she played with his hair, twirling it in her fingers before letting it fall. He didn't want this moment to end, but it had to. Basil didn't know where he heard it, but he thought it. "All good times must come to an end.” It played in his head as he began to stand up. He was a bit shaky, but managed

His leg hurt. He definitely was going to have a bruise. It was still very dark in the room, the only light coming from the hallway, so he couldn’t see it. Basil took a step and winced. It was his left leg, on the outside on his calf. He rubbed the area and continued, turning on his light. His grandma stood up and went near the door.

"I think... my leg is hurt..." Basil didn't mean to say it, but it was what he kept thinking. "I can get you some ice, but... your neck is more worrying right now. If it was any worse, I would call an ambulance. You... really had me worried." They both looked at the rope, still on the floor.

"I'm gonna have a word with that summer camp. Who teaches kids that? I'm taking it, by the way. Obvious reasons." Ah, she was back to her usual sternness. Basil found it relieving. She took the rope and untied it, Basil wobbling back over. “I know you don't like looking at yourself, but... I hope that you learn why this is not okay when you see. Go to the bathroom. I'll get you some ice."

Basil listened silently and went into the bathroom. Once again, the light hurt his eyes. He looked down at his feet when he walked up to the sink. He did have a bruise forming on his leg, still pink. It wasn't too big, at least in his opinion. An inch across. Basil put his hands on the counter, and took a deep breath.

He reeled back when he saw. The mark on his neck was deep and red, the worst spot under his chin. He had bags under his eyes and the whites of his eyes were red, obviously from crying, partially from choking. He imagined himself as normal looking through the entire ordeal. He shouldn't be here. He should have just gone to bed happy and thrown the rope back in his closet.

Basil looked at his palms. There were still faint pink lines on them. He put his hands on his neck and lined up the three marks. If he did this, no one would see. School started soon. Aubrey was going to introduce him to her friends soon. Why was he so dumb? Nothing was wrong. He was a bit nervous, but why did he try to hang himself?

Basil tried to find an answer, but couldn’t be solid on just one. He liked how the rope looked and felt in his hands. He... liked the pain, even though he didn’t want to admit it. And he wanted to see the effects. He settled on the last one.

The mark was visible all the way around. Basil looked again and touched it lightly. It burned a bit, but... he couldn’t help but be intrigued by how much of a contrast it was to his pale skin. Even his eyes contrasted with it. Red and blue. He imagined the mark as a collar. He’d never be free of this… of these thoughts.

It was the first time he had thought of it in awhile, at least since it started. It was happening hourly until today. Usually the bunnies would start out as, well, bunnies. His own bunny would be pulling from another one. But, Basil let it be the people. He let it be Rai. He went from desperately tearing at himself to calmly sitting and moving the parts back and forth. Now Rai could know how it felt to be a freak.

Basil tilted his head up at the ceiling. It wasn’t quite a daydream, but he imagined the rope still around his neck, pulling him gently. Guiding him. Where? No idea. But it felt hopeful. It was very brief, but he definitely enjoyed the last couple seconds he was still conscious. It wasn’t a bad thing, what he did; he just messed up by letting the chair slip.

Basil snapped himself out of his fantasy. He could do this later. He needed to make himself presentable. Aubrey would want to hang out tomorrow since it had been awhile. He couldn’t tell her about tonight. He couldn’t think of ways to hide the mark. His hands were healed, for the most part, and he could be honest about them. But, it was the middle of the summer. How was he supposed to hide his neck? Scarves weren’t an option, he didn’t wear them regularly. His collared shirts would be too low. A ribbon or something? No, too girly. Maybe he should just make up something about falling or whatever-

“Basil.” He jumped out of his head again. He really needed to figure out a way to stop getting stuck in this spiral. His grandma was standing right next to him. He didn’t even notice her as he spiraled again.

“I don’t know where to go from here, but... I think it’s best we keep it a secret. I think it would be good for you to go back to therapy, but... if you’re honest and tell them, they might try to institutionalize you. That means they take away almost everything and seclude you. They might even... take you away from me… if they think it’s my fault. I don’t know if it is, and you don’t have to tell me. But, please. Tell me when something is wrong. Don’t do this again. I... I can barely take this now, even.” She was right. He wouldn’t do this again. He didn’t want to die, he just wanted that moment of bliss. He’d be more careful next time.

“O-okay. I’ll try.”

Chapter Text

Basil and his grandma sat in the living room for a bit. They had some tea and put ice on Basil's wounds. His neck was rough; the skin itself was a bit raw and red, but the ice helped with the bruise under it. His grandma saw his hands, and she assumed it was from… struggling, earlier. He did, but the old wounds were there still. She didn't notice. Basil figured it was for the best.

Basil felt immature about it again, but was happy when she let him sleep in bed with her. It would make her less nervous, and she'd relax more tomorrow. Basil slept surprisingly well. His breathing was a bit off, but he dreamed about wandering through a dark room with a red floor, ropes of various colors reaching from the ground to the ceiling. He walked through the mess and touched the ropes, various instruments playing from different colors. Blue, orange, pink, and white. There were a couple green and purple ones in the distance he couldn't get to, but it was a good dream.

Basil coughed a bit when he woke up, laying on his back with his arm against his grandma, groaning a bit. The sun was barely up. His throat hurt. He rubbed it a bit, the main mark stinging. His calf throbbed, but it was easy to ignore. He wiggled his way out of bed, his grandma stirring a bit. He needed her help for today.

Basil heard knocking on the door. Aubrey. He started going fast to answer, before remembering his neck. It wasn't the best, but he moved his hair around his neck. It was barely past his shoulders, but was able to hide everything, pulling up the collar of his shirt. It looked stupid, and was risky. This wouldn't work for however long it took to heal.

He hesitantly opened the door. Aubrey smiled back at him. “Basil!! Hi!" He opened it wider and smiled back, Aubrey pulling him into a tight hug. It hurt a bit, as his lungs weren't back at full strength, but he hugged back. Her hair touched his and pulled it a bit, but he adjusted it before she pulled back fully.

"I know it's kind of early, but I wanna talk to you about my new friends! Do you wanna meet them today?" Aubrey bounced on her heels a bit. Basil honestly didn't, but he knew that if he didn't do something today, he would probably hurt himself again. He nodded.

"It's... pretty early. But, yeah!" Aubrey looked at him weird for a second. It wasn't quite the face he imagined before, but it was still interesting.

"Wait... are you sick? Your voice sounds scratchy." Crap crap crap she noticed-

"Ah, I'm almost over it. There were a lot of kids at the camp." Lying felt natural with her. It was easy.

"Oh! You should tell me about it later! It's about 8:00 right now, but I was thinking around 11?" Yes. Plenty of time. Basil could hide it easily.

"Yeah, sounds good… I should probably get back to bed... camp had a weird schedule, and I'm still a little sick." He stepped back a little. Basil liked Aubrey, but it was not a good time right now. She needed to go away. She liked hanging out to avoid being at home, but Basil couldn't right now. He felt a little bad, still.

"Well, I hope you feel better! See ya." She turned on her heel and hopped down the stairs. Basil waved a little, and closed the door. He sighed and slumped back against it. That was stressful for no reason whatsoever. He jumped a bit when his grandma ran up to him, putting her hands on his shoulders.

"Are you alright, Basil? Why'd you answer the door?" She looked mad.

"Y-yeah, it was Aubrey."

"Did you tell her anything? Did she see your neck?"

"N-no, I covered it with my hair." She sighed and let go.

"We need to do something about it. It's not the best, but I can use some makeup to cover it, and I can try ice again. Do you want to go back to bed?" Basil felt relief wash over him. It would be fine. Everything was going to be okay.

"Yeah, it's still pretty early." For him, at lea at.

-

Basil wanted to go back to his own bed, but his grandma insisted he go back with her, even if she wasn’t sleeping. It was probably for the best. Basil took a bit to fall back asleep, but was glad when he did. He resumed his dream.

The ropes all started to turn red. Basil slowed his pace as they all made rattling noises. He looked at his hands. The marks were bleeding. He brought his hands to his neck. There was a rope coiled around it. He tried to cover it up, but his hands were too small. He felt eyes looking at him, despite nothing being there. He kept pulling and pulling at the rope but it would let go, it kept stretching.

"Basil!" Basil blinked awake slowly, on his back. His neck burned more now. His grandma was leaning over him with a hand on his shoulder.

“…huh?”

"You had a nightmare… I think. You we’re scratching at your neck." So that was the burning. He sat up and coughed again.

"I need help." He was sick of this. She tilted her head a bit, looking at him with worry.

"Y-yes, but... I still think it's bad if we talk about your... attempt." Basil sighed, sitting up. She was right, again. He kind of wished she wasn't.

"I know you're scared, but do you want to try the church? I don't think they can do anything, legally speaking." Basil didn't have an opinion on church. It was mostly just boring. As a kid, he would always try to walk around or tap his feet and he was forced to be still and silent. He wished they would talk about the story of the Bible more. There was too much God praising for his liking, and he definitely didn’t like singing. He shouldn’t have to devote everything to this one guy, when his life was so messed up.

"I... guess. I don't think it'll help."

"We can try."

Chapter Text

Basil and his grandma worked again trying to help Basil's hands and neck to look better. He emphasized how important this meeting would be. He didn't know why, but he knew it was. It was the only hope he had to make new friends. They eventually got the mark on his neck to a light shade of pink, with a lot of ice and massaging. Basil wished it could stay red, but this was necessary. No one could know, other than the two of them.

Basil sat in a chair in the bathroom as she applied concealer around his neck, blending it, and adding powder. The makeup smelled weird, but Basil couldn't figure out a way to cover it. There was no cologne at the house and there was no way he was using his grandma's perfume. He settled on spraying air freshener on himself. Not the best, but it worked.

He contemplated what to wear for awhile. And if he should bring anything, and decided on just his sketchbook. He settled on a mint green shirt and his usual garden overalls. They weren't his favorite, but he didn't want to lie about himself. Hoodies were comfortable, but didn't show anything about who he was. He didn't want to hide, for once.

Basil went in the bathroom for a once over of his outfit. He liked it, but looked up at himself again. The mark was basically gone, but... of course it still felt wrong. He was still too girly. He wouldn't be able to talk to them again if they saw him as one. Basil was nervous, but went over to his grandma in the kitchen, who was cutting up some vegetables for lunch later.

"Grandma, do you think I can get a haircut before I go?" She glanced at the stove.

"It's cutting a bit close, sweetie. You said Aubrey was coming at 11, right?" She was. Basil looked at his shoulder. The hair slipped over, and he looked at it.

"If... if that's the case, can I cut it?" Basil wasn't sure, but hoped he could do a decent job. He sheered some of the plants frequently, mainly some bonsai trees and bushes his grandma had grown, and scissors weren't too far off from shears.

"Mmm... sorry, but no." Basil frowned, just that enough to form tears. His grandma looked at him and chuckled. “I can do it for you, though. Don't get too worked up, sweetie. Let's go now; it'll take a bit, and I don’t want you to be late." Basil smiled big. His hair had been too long for awhile. He wanted it to be long, since him and his grandma liked playing with it, but it made him look too feminine.

They walked into the bathroom, Basil's grandma bringing a chair. She put a towel around his neck and shoulders as he sat, avoiding touching the make up.

"Okay, whatcha want, mister?" Basil didn't really know. For a long time he would just get a few inches off. He thought about the boys he knew. Rai... no. Kel? He didn't really like his haircut, and Basil couldn't pull off something that long. He looked at his grandma. She almost always had her hair in a bun, with two pieces of hair sticking down.

"Can... it be like yours? B-but I want everything short other than these." He pulled two strands in front of his ears.

"Sure! Can you show me how short?" Basil wasn't sure. He pulled at a piece on the side, and stopped it at a random point. "Like that."

They were mostly quiet throughout the process. Basil relaxed as he felt his head getting lighter, locks of blonde hair falling on his towel and on the floor. He liked feeling her hands on his head, like he was being pet. He would miss her playing with his hair, but it would be better this way.

"Okay, I think I'm done. Do you want to look?" He was nervous, but nodded. He took off the towel, dropping it on the floor and walking to the mirror. He looked in the mirror, happy. He brushed his hand over the tufts sticking up on the back. He looked right. Basil felt the tears coming again, but it wasn't bad.

"Oh, honey, did I do a bad job? I haven't cut hair much, but-" Basil pulled her into a tight hug.

"I-it's perfect. Thank you."

Chapter Text

Basil kept frantically checking what he needed to do, despite there being nothing. He tidied up his desk, made sure his laundry was fully in the basket. He kept looking at the clock. 10:58. Aubrey would be here in two minutes. Basil unreasonably felt like she would show up, say "Nevermind, it was a prank!” and leave him forever. It was fine. Everything was going to be okay.

He sat at a chair in the kitchen and just stared at the clock on the stove, patting the spikier part of his new haircut. His grandma didn't feel too good after last night, and she went back to bed. It was good for her, he had to remind himself. He was constantly worried he’d be gone and she’d hurt herself falling or something.

11:01.

She wasn't coming she wasn't coming she wasn't-

A knock came from a door. Basil sighed in relief, slumping into the chair, before darting up.

"Basi- WHOAAAA!!" Aubrey jumped up and down excitedly, patting his head gently with her hands and looking at him.

"Hehe, do you like it?" Basil said meekly.

"YES OF COURSE!!! I am going to miss braiding it, though." She pulled her hands back. Basil figured she would. Maybe he should have kept it.

"W-well it grows back, although I like it like this..." Aubrey put her hands on his shoulders, giving him a serious look.

"Basil, do you see how much hair I have?"

"Y-yes?"

"We can just do it with mine!" Basil sighed in relief, again. Aubrey was good at cheering him up. He appreciated her.

"So, are you ready? Sunny and his sister are neighbors with the two brothers in the group, so they both live on the street above mine. We don't have a plan, yet, but we were thinking about getting lunch or something after hanging out a bit at Sunny's."

Sunny. Basil liked his name a lot.

"Sounds good. My grandma was making lunch, but she decided to save the stuff for dinner.” Aubrey took his hand. "Let's go!!" She pulled him a bit and he started walking. He blushed. It was funny; she dragged him out of the house so much, and now she was dragging him out of his comfort zone. He should thank her properly soon. He could make her something.

The walk felt the same as every walk they had before, but Basil was overwhelmed by anxiety when he kept thinking about how he looked. Would he pass as a boy? Would these people like him? He didn't know.

They turned and walked up the street. Basil looked at a house with a bunch of flamingos. Why would they-

Aubrey wasn't holding him anymore. She was ahead. Basil saw two taller people and two shorter ones, Aubrey talking to them. Basil slowly crept forward before Aubrey came back, pulling him closer to them. He blushed, again.

"Well, this is Basil!" Aubrey pushed him forward by his shoulders so he was in front of her. He gave a small wave and looked up. Kel?! Hero?!! They were here?! He didn't recognize the older girl. Kel came over and signaled for a high five.

"Yoooo! You were at the summer camp! I barely recognized you because of your haircut!" Basil hesitantly high fived him back, feeling his hand burn pretty bad. Hero laughed a bit.

"Normally I would scold Kel for saying something like that, but I thought the same thing, haha...” Hero stuck a hand out. Basil blushed harder, and hesitantly took it, both of them shaking. Firm. His hand was smooth and warm. Basil's were always clammy and cold.

"Hi, I'm Mari! I don't think I've seen you before. It's nice to meet you!" Basil looked up at her. Her smile was warm and comforting, just like his grandmas. She was really pretty. He let out a chuckle, scratching his neck. This was overwhelming.

"And this is Sunny! He's pretty quiet around new people." Sunny? Basil was waiting to meet him the longest.

Basil took a second, but realized that there was another person, he hid behind Mari for the most part. He was surprised he missed him, since he was right there. He walked forward a little.

"H-hi..." Him and Basil made eye contact. He looked just like a little cat. His hair was dark, fluffy, and a bit messy. Basil let out a stifled laugh again, smiling warmly, as they looked at each other for a bit. This was getting awkward. Basil scratched at his neck again. He stopped himself. It would be really bad if he rubbed off the makeup.

Sunny pointed at the pocket on his overalls.

“O-oh! My sketchbook! I forgot about it! Do you want to see?” Sunny’s head nodded almost robotically. Aubrey talked with Mari and Hero as Kel went into the yard of the house they were by. There was a dog. Basil was interested, but focused on Sunny.

He opened the first page, just a simple drawing of a bunny. The line was wobbly. Basil tried his best, but he felt like all kids just could not draw no matter how hard they tried, including himself. Sunny’s eyes lit up, and he moved closer. Basil blushed harder as his shoulder bumped into his. This was a boy. This was a boy that liked things like him. Maybe he wasn’t weird. He needed to learn from him.

They both sat down after a few pages passed of some smaller and simple plants in Basil’s garden, before Basil stopped on one of his drawings he was more proud of. A detailed drawing of a sunflower.

“O-oh! These are Sunflowers. They’re called that because they always face towards the sun. That’s how I want to be like... someone who always sees the brighter side of things.” Basil took out a short yellow colored pencil in his chest pocket he brought with him.

“And, well, they look like the sun.” He drew a circle with a zigzag of triangles around the edge in the corner of the page. Sunny looked impressed. It made Basil blush again. Sunny leaned his head to look closer, some of his hair brushing against Basil’s chin. It was really soft. Basil thought again about how he was just like a cat, silent, doing what he wants, and taking up space, just because he can.

Sunny backed up after a few seconds and they slowly got towards the middle of his sketchbook. Basil started getting anxious again. Did he take out... that drawing? He wasn’t sure. The first page of daises came. Then the second. Basil carefully lifted up the corner of the page-

Nothing. He sighed. Sunny looked at him a bit. He opened the page fully. There was a small circle of blood on the top corner. Basil closed it quickly, making Sunny jump slightly.

“W-well! That was my sketchbook!” Sunny smiled at him softly and gave a thumbs up, standing up. Yes, Sunny approved. Basil turned around as Kel yelled, being tackled over by their dog.

Today was going to be great.

Chapter Text

Hero and Mari helped get the the excited dog off of Kel and they regrouped. Basil was still nervous; he still felt out of place. He was glad though. He was so happy. He could do this. He could have friends.

“Hey, so, what should we do now?” Hero asked. Mari jumped up excitedly. “Oh, I want to talk to Basil more! We should go to Gino’s!” Basil and Aubrey made eye contact. They both knew the other didn’t have money for it.

“Uhm, me and Aubrey can’t really pay, but we’ll come with, i-if that’s okay.” Aubrey’s family was worse off than Basil, since her parents were... weird. He couldn’t think of a better word. Basil and his grandma’s garden cost a lot, and they both had to scrape by with her savings and social security money if they both wanted to keep it. Eating out was a luxury they both couldn’t afford.

Mari smiled and pat his head. It felt nice. “That’s okay, we can pay for you!” Basil smiled. Aubrey also looked nervous, but she had a small smile. “I-I don’t-“ Kel came over to Basil, putting an arm around his shoulder.

“C’mon, pizza is really good! It’s fine!” Basil smiled. He could relax. This was fine. This was safe. “If you insist, it would be nice to go out somewhere-“

“YEAH! PIZZA!!!” Kel started to run off, and Hero caught up and stopped him by grabbing the back of his shirt, but they stayed ahead. Hero smiled back at Mari and she returned another patient smile. It felt... it felt like home.

“He’s so full of energy. I don’t get it. He’s pretty annoying, but he usually has ideas of what to do.” Aubrey crossed her arms, blushing and pouting a bit. Basil laughed.

“Usually you have to keep up the mood, Aubrey… it must be a good break.” Basil was surprised, noticing something. His stutter was mostly gone, like when he was with grandma. He thought it was just with her.

“Well, I guess. You’re just down a lot.” He chuckled again. “Yeah.”

“Well, we should get going. Kel might explode if we don’t get him his pizza.” Mari pointed at Kel, desperately trying to drag Hero away and down the street. All four of them laughed this time. Basil glanced at Sunny, still very quiet.

He looked happy.

All of them looked happy.

Basil didn’t feel like he should be included in this. Yesterday was so horrible. It felt wrong for him to just forget that. His grandma was still worried sick; he was sure of it. Hopefully he could apologize and make it up to her by telling her this.

Mari took Sunny’s hand and they started to walk. Basil followed behind Aubrey, who was behind the siblings. He shouldn’t be included in this. What if they knew his thoughts?

He just realized. He hadn’t thought about any of that since he got here. Maybe these thoughts... maybe they would go away. Finally… he could move on. Tears welled in his eyes silently, as he focused on Aubrey’s hair swaying, shiny and reflecting the summer sunlight. Basil let himself laugh, stopping. It felt so good. He didn’t want this to end.

“Basil, are you okay?” Aubrey stopped, Mari and Sunny stopping a few feet away.

“I... I’m so happy. I just-“ He wiped at his eyes.

“Thank you; thank you so much, Aubrey.” He slowly moved to hug her, and she hugged back.

“We’re here. We can be included, for once. We don’t have to hide.” He cried harder into her shoulder, grabbing her hair. She moved her hand onto his back.

“You’re right. It’s okay. It’s more than just the two of us-“ She slowly started crying in silence as well.

They both were surprised when Sunny came and joined their hug. Basil laughed through his tears, and Mari joined too, wrapping her arms around the three of them.

“We’re here for you, Basil. You too, Aubrey.” Basil looked at Sunny.

“I’m sorry, we just met and... I’m already crying. It-it happens a lot… just as a disclaimer.” Sunny gave a patient smile.

“It’s okay to cry, just let us know if you need something. Well, let’s go get lunch!” Mari backed up and rustled the two boys hair, them looking at each other with smiles as Basil’s tears dissipated.

“Hey! Do mine too!” Aubrey looked up at her, and Mari chuckled. She rustled Aubrey’s hair, now extra whacky.

“Yay!!! Me too!!” She grabbed Basil and Sunny’s hand and started pulling them ahead, as Mari followed again.

This was happiness. It was almost overwhelming, but Basil enjoyed it. He’d remember this forever. He’d be with them forever. Hero smiled up ahead, still trying to hold Kel back. They met up and slowly pulled away from the street. Basil missed the feeling of Aubrey’s hand, but he was so happy. Two brothers that loved each other. His best friend, a new friend, and a loving older sister.

It was all he wanted.

Chapter Text

Basil hadn't really been to Gino's before. Usually him and his grandma would go get groceries every two weeks, and on occasion she would go in and get a sandwich for them to share. He vaguely remembers how it looked inside, but it wasn't vivid in his mind. Just some wood and checkered patterns remained in fragments of his memory.

Basil focused on Aubrey's hand. Then looked at Sunny's. He was a bit… jealous… they were touching. Usually other boys and girls would yell cooties, but Aubrey and himself ignored it when they touched. He felt like he was allowed to. They held hands a lot.

Wait....

Did that mean they were dating? Him and Aubrey? Basil let go. His best friend was being taken, by a boy. Basil was a boy too, but, he was different. He was a real boy. He slowed down and was in front of Mari. It wasn't... it couldn't be jealousy. He didn't have romantic feelings for Aubrey. He looked at Sunny. He turned around and made eye contact-

Oh no. Basil blushed.

He already had a crush on him. He knew nothing about him. What did that make him? Gay? Straight? He didn't know anything else, those were the only two options he knew of. Maybe Basil just thought he was cute? He did look like a cat. He shook his thoughts out by literally shaking his head, as Mari caught up to him.

"They're cute, huh? Aubrey seems to like him." Basil didn't know how to feel about that.

"M-maybe... I still haven't really talked to Sunny, so I don't know anything." He started to fidget with the button of one of the straps on his overalls. Stop. Stop thinking about it.

"You'll get to eventually. He's pretty nervous around new people, and is usually quiet, but he has a big imagination and is really fun!” Her voice was so kind. Basil nodded as they got to the corner. Hero finally got Kel to stop, as he ran ahead, and they all regrouped.

Hero talked with Mari for a bit. Basil couldn't pay attention to what they were saying, he couldn't do anything but continue looking; Sunny and Aubrey were still holding hands. He wished they would stop. He knew it would be rude to say something. He didn't care, he just didn't want their hands to get sweaty. He didn't care. She rubbed the top of his hand with her thumb. He didn't want her to let go, he just wanted to hold Sunny's-

"Cooties, right? Gross. I don't get why Sunny is fine with all her girl germs." Basil jumped a bit, his hand stretched out a bit as Kel came over. He snapped it back to his side, not realized he’d put it out.

"Hahaha, yeah, right, who would want to hold hands with-" Basil remembered, looking at his own hand. Did he have cooties? Did he count as a boy or a girl? He would infect him. He couldn't touch Sunny, ever. He was too good for Basil. Basil looked at the mark on his hand, now just another pale pink line that blended with the creases in his skin. If he wanted to win him over, he would have to be better than Aubrey. Basil was better than her. He knew how to keep his distance. He didn't touch the boy he just met like she did. He minded his business. His eyes narrowed. She shouldn't be touching him, not like that. They weren't dating. He moved his hand out again-

"So, what do you like to do? You had that sketchbook. Ooo!! Can you draw dragons??" Basil snapped out of it, although he was a bit annoyed at Kel. Right. He was with normal people. He needed to stop doing that. The group started walking again, him and Kel now at the back. He was glad Kel stopped him. That might've ruined Sunny's perception of him.

"Well, I usually draw plants. I have a garden with my grandma, so there's a lot-"

"COOL!" Kel hopped every few steps as they walked. Basil didn't get his enthusiasm.

"They're just plants, I don't-"

"Well, growing them is hard. They need water, and light, and the right temperature... I think. I always forget, so I just let Mom and Hero deal with the ones we have." Basil really wished Kel would stop interrupting. Oh! Maybe Basil could talk with Hero about that. He was a bit weary of him, but he didn't know why. He was the oldest, but not by much. Basil guessed around 13.

"Well, let me-" He pulled out his sketchbook. Kel laughed and shook his fists in excitement, stars in his eyes. Basil didn't get it, still. It was just some drawings.

He flipped to the sunflower again.

"SUNFLOWER! Cute! That's so good!! HEY SUNNY!!!" Oh god, he was so loud-

Sunny walked over, shuffling his feet. He looked a bit mad. Aubrey looked disappointed as he let go. He came over looked at the page, sighing through his nose when he saw it.

"Oh, I already showed him that one." Wow, Kel let him finish his sentence.

"Well, maybe you could draw more at Gino's. I love that place. Pizzaaaaaa..." Kel put a hand on his stomach, rubbing it. Basil giggled a little. He wished he could be carefree like that. Just doing that would embarrass him.

"Maybe." Basil finally took a second to gather his surroundings. Gino's was right there. He did space out for most of the walk, too focused on Sunny. He didn't eat breakfast, so he was a bit hungry. Maybe he could actually have pizza. He didn't even know the last time he did. Basil stuck to the back, letting the group go in first. He smelled bread baking. It was so nice. He smiled at it. Mari sat in a booth on the right side of the building, followed by Hero, Kel sitting on the end.

"Hero sandwich!" Mari squished into his side, pushing him to the right. Kel looked confused before smiling, doing the same thing, squishing him back into Mari.

"YEAH! Hero sandwich!" Hero chuckled a bit.

"C’mon, you two, there are people around-" Basil glanced around, looking at the art on the walls as Mari and Kel messed with Hero, but was stopped when Aubrey tugged on his sleeve, pulling him towards the booth. Sunny was on the inside of the seat. Basil hurried and sat next to him. Ha, he beat Aubrey. A small victory. He was glad they were against the wall. He liked being able to see around, it made him less nervous.

Basil looked at the table for a second. Don't look at Sunny. Don't scare him. Checkerboard. He decided to look at the booth, noticing a bunch of holes and cracks in the leather. Aubrey shuffled in next to him. She pushed him over a bit, making Basil blush. His leg was touching him, he was touching Sunny. The bit of skin contact was soft and warm. It was almost overwhelming. Just a glance. A little bit more. He looked over quickly, pretending to look up at the wall. Sunny! So cute!!

Basil waved his legs slowly in the booth, burying his face in his arms on the table. He was so cute. He couldn't believe that someone this cute actually existed.

"You okay, Basil? You've been acting a bit weird today." Basil snapped up, turning to Aubrey. He didn't realize everyone was looking at him until now.

"Haha, yeah! I'm just having a really good time!" He smiled harder. It was true. He took a deep breath, he didn't even realize he was panting. He was suddenly very warm, embarrassed. He went a bit crazy there. Calm down. It's okay- everything is going to be okay. He pat the table with his hands, making a little beat, slowly calming down and stopping. That was weird. He didn't know what came over him. He was really hyper.

"Well it's gonna be a better time. Pizza time!!" Kel pat the table with more enthusiasm than Basil was. Oh. Hero was gone. Basil guessed he was ordering. He took a second and looked around more. There was a blank floor on the other side. Maybe they were remodeling. The booths were pretty run down. The main counter was large. There was a drink cooler, and a couple people, a guy at a game in the corner and another guy by a juke box.

Basil squinted.

No.

No no no no no not-

Rai looked back at him.

Chapter Text

Basil instantly looked away, hunching down. Oh god. Why now? Why here? He could hear everyone talking but it was blurred out, he couldn't focus. He looked at his hands. He put them on his neck, connecting the marks. That happened. He knew the mess that was Basil's head. He knew. He would tell. He would tell Sunny. Sunny wouldn't forgive him.

Basil closed his eyes. The distorted image of Rais melted face from his dream stuck in his brain. He needed to get out of here. He didn't want to ruin it. He was the problem. Everyone else was having a good time. He needed to calm down before he could leave. His legs were frozen.

Basil closed his eyes again. It flashed in his head again, making him flinch. He needed to think about something else. He forced himself to keep his eyes closed and remembered the sensation of the rope in his palms, the feeling of burning in throat as he was choking to death. He squeezed his neck. He thought of the bunnies. Blood. Dripping. Coating his hands, coating his face, coating his neck. Disappearing. Melting. Melting into warmth.

Melting into Sunny's face. Happy.

Basil took a deep breath, sitting back up slowly. He focused on the subtle touch, Sunny was here. It was okay.

"I know we asked, but… is everything okay, Basil?" Mari looked at him, Hero now standing by the table with a pizza box.

"Y-yeah, I'm just... tired. Really tired, haha.." Basil wiped his forehead. Sweaty. He couldn't look up again, he couldn't see him, he didn't want to panic again. He wanted to look at Sunny, he made him so happy earlier, but he didn't want to be creepy. He...

Rai was right. He was weird. Fucking weird. Basil didn't curse, at least out loud, but... thinking that. It gave a rush through his body. It felt good. He liked being weird. Being gross. Being a creep. Wasn't everyone this way? He didn't know why. He wanted to look at Sunny still, but he couldn't. Everyone had someone they liked a bit more than the rest, and Sunny was that person for Basil. He couldn't ruin him. He could do this later. Alone. He could think about it, think about Sunny... use his rope...

Basil paused. He probably shouldn't do that. He just met him. His grandma was still upset and still had his jump rope. But he couldn't help it. Sunny was super cute. He made him happy. Basil did have the moment where he enjoyed choking last night. He could mix the two feelings.

Sunny. He was quiet and delicate, like a flower. Basil though to his garden. He was a sunflower, Sunny would be... a poppy? No, they're a bit too bright. They stand out too much. He thought of that night he was out with his grandma. What plants were by the sunflowers?

Tulips. Sunny was a tulip. Simple and elegant. Beautiful.

"Basil? Are you gonna eat? You're still a bit... spacey." Kel was looking at him.

"O-oh! Right! Yeah, I'm a bit... out of it today. It happens sometimes." He waved his hand. Aubrey looked at him with some concern.

"Well, you better get some pizza. Kel can, will, and has eaten a whole one by himself." Hero nudged him, Kel now in the middle. Basil looked up at the table. They had two pizzas, the first one gone and the second one about halfway gone. He didn’t think he spaced out that long.

"Don't call me out, bro, pizza is good! Like orange joe!" Ew. Basil was brought out of his mood, from that, of all things. He tried it once and ended up spitting it out on the ground in front of the vending machine at the park, throwing the rest away.

"You... you actually like orange joe? I tried it once and hated it." Kel nodded, sticking a fresh slice in his mouth. Kel nodded.

Aubrey leaned over.

"He's disgusting. He'll also just mix random drinks together and calls them ‘concoctions of death.’ I don't get how he can drink them."

"C’mon Aubrey, if you drink it fast enough you won't even taste it! Didn't you like the Pepsi milk?"

"No Kel, I didn't like the Pepsi milk! It was awful!" Basil laughed a bit. It almost hurt as he relaxed. He was glad he was able to ignore Rai. This was still salvageable. They wouldn't leave him, he just needed to hide it. It would be fine. He could enjoy this.

"...maybe I could try it?" Basil looked around. He didn't recognize the voice. Everyone looked at him.

"Sunny, no! Don't join him! Don't drink the Pepsi milk!" Basil finally looked over. Oh! They were looking at Sunny. That's what his voice sounded like! It was quiet but sweet. He loved it. He wanted to hear more.

Basil came to the conclusion that they, including himself, were all stupid. He laughed at the thought of Sunny grimacing at drinking the concoction and everyone else joined. It was okay. Sunny was here. Basil could face anything now. Just think of Sunny. Sunny would be able to get him through anything.

He just needed Sunny.

Chapter Text

Basil relaxed and finally had a truly good time. Rai burned in the back of his mind, but as long as he didn't look, he felt okay. The pizza was pretty good. He ended up trying to draw things for the others quickly and filled up most of his sketchbook fast.

"So! What do you guys wanna do next time?" Basil perked up. There would be a next time! He was always scared that Aubrey would someday just drop him off back home and they'd never speak again. He felt it was unreasonable, but he couldn't stop feeling bad about it. Every time they hung out he was scared of that.

"Well, I want a picnic! The one we had this week was super fun! We could also show Basil your piano!" Piano? Basil was interested. His grandma had played piano a lot when she was younger. He'd never seen one in real life.

"I'm interested in the piano! Also, a picnic seems really fun!" Basil was excited, but nervous. He hadn't done anything like this before. It was all new. Having friends, happiness… love. He felt like his heart would beat out of his chest if he were any more happy, explode. Basil imagined it cutesy like in a cartoon, then realistically. Gross.

"Well, we can do that! Any ideas of where we should go?" Basil had no idea. He nudged Aubrey. Take one for the team, Aubrey.

“Ummmm, the park is always good!” Kel almost spit out his drink.

“Aubrey, there’s a bunch of weird kids there! They... they don’t like me very much. I’m too loud.” Hero ruffled his hair, making Kel groan as he tried to flatten it.

“It’s okay. We can just go in Mari’s backyard. Plenty of space and nice trees there! And we won’t have to go far.” Basil would prefer that. He liked settling in and not having to pack all his stuff up. It was easier.

“Well, me and Sunny need to go now. Our dad should be back for lunch about now and he wants to talk to us about me getting into softball this school year. I’ll see you guys later!” Kel and Hero shuffled out of the booth, letting her get out. Aubrey started to move, but Basil stayed for a second. He turned to Sunny and smiled.

“Thank you.” Basil was a bit embarrassed by how pathetic his voice sounded, but he needed to say it. Sunny nodded, and Basil scooted out. He already missed the contact. His anxiety was already coming back. Rai was right there. He needed to leave, too. Sunny wasn’t going to be here anyways, so he didn’t care as much.

“I need to go now, too. Thank you so much for the food and letting me hang out. I’ve never really had a group of friends and it was so nice to able to feel what it’s like to be normal.” Hero pat Basil’s head. It made him flinch, but he calmed down quick. Hero was nice.

“Believe me, none of us really are normal. You’ll fit in here just fine.” Mari giggled, patting Hero’s head, making him wince in pain since she basically slapped him. He still smiled.

“This boy here looks really charming and kind of intimidating because he’s so perfect, but he’s a big softie. He cooks us breakfast all the time, bakes cookies, and is terrified of spiders. I have to deal with them when they show up, and if it’s not me, it’s Kel.” Basil was excited about the breakfast part. Grandma always made him breakfast, even if it was just toast, but it was always simple, and kind of bland. Basil respected her too much to say anything, though.

“Which spiders?” Hero looked down, eyes empty.

“All of them. I wish they didn’t exist.” Basil smiled a bit. He had bugs in his garden. They were fine.

“Well, that would be bad, since spiders are important. They help a lot in my garden, since they tend to eat pests that would harm my plants. I don’t want to touch them or anything, since they bite, but they’re not too bad.” Basil smiled again. It was so normal. Nothing was wrong. Rai wasn’t there. He could just ignore him.

“Well, I guess. I still don’t want them near me, heh.” Hero gently moved Mari’s hand off his head, but she ruffled up his hair before pulling it down.

“Well, we’ll see you later! Aubrey can tell you when we’ll meet back up. Sometime next week sound good?”Basil nodded. “Mhm! I’m looking forward to it!” Mari smiled at him as her and Sunny walked out, Kel and Aubrey arguing a bit as Hero mediated their “debate”. He didn’t know what to do now.

“Okay, well... I...” They weren’t looking at him. He stepped closer. He looked at Aubrey. Why were they ignoring him? He was right here. Did he not matter? Sunny would look at him. Sunny would notice. Basil fidgeted with his hands, rubbing his thumbs together, looking down. Something. Say something.

“B-bye...” Aubrey looked away from Kel finally, waving at Basil.

“Oh! Bye Basil!” He looked up for a second, glancing at Rai, before turning around, and finally walking out. He turned past hobbeez, leaning against the wall, letting the breath he was holding out. He wasn’t afraid anymore, but that was not pleasant. He’d miss being the sole holder of Aubrey’s attention. He didn’t need to ask to be heard or to speak with her, he didn’t need to push. When they were in class and had a project, she would instantly look at him and he would look at her, smiling. He would miss that now that they were a group.

Replace her.

Basil stopped for a second. Another intrusive thought. Maybe. He pushed it to the back of his mind and started to speed walk towards the park. He looked left down the street, seeing Sunny and Mari turn the corner to their own street. He didn’t know which house was Sunny’s. They stopped at Kel and Hero’s, but it was between two different ones. He needed to know.

When they turned the corner, Basil hurried across the street, down to their corner. He peaked out from behind the bush near the stop sign, waiting for them to get to their house. He had to squint to see, but he smiled. It was the last on the street. Not the weird flamingo house. Now he could visit Sunny whenever he wanted. He wouldn’t have to wait a full week. Going now would be too much. He’d come back tomorrow.

Basil sighed. He wished he could’ve stayed with them. They were only together for about 45 minutes. He did need to go home, though. Grandma was still worried. He put his hands together behind his back, and started to walk back with a happiness in his steps he’d never felt before. He could tell her about today. How he met the love of his life. His best friend.

“Sunny...”

Chapter Text

Basil waited for a few minutes before heading home. He wanted to see if Sunny would come back, maybe if he forgot something. He didn't. He took a deep breath before going in. Today was rough. It would probably get worse.

He was surprised when he came in and it was empty. Usually his grandma was home at this time of day, playing music and humming happily as she read a magazine. His smile faltered, then fell. Her purse was on the table. She wasn’t out.

Basil ran, straight to her room. It was dark. He went to her bed. She was shaking. "G-grandma, are you okay?" He grabbed her arm, shaking her gently. It took a few seconds. She jumped awake, making Basil jumped back. That was scary.

"Oh, hi Basil… I'm not feeling too good." He frowned. She was shaking a bit, but smiled at him anyways.

"Do you need anything? I can get you some water or food or-" She took his hand. He held it back.

"Just some blankets. I'm running a fever. I'll be okay." She gave him a reassuring smile. He smiled back as she retracted her hand. He really wanted to tell her; he met someone who made him so happy he couldn’t even think straight. Not now. When? He didn't know.

Basil went into the closet, digging through the drawer. He pulled out one of the larger blankets, big and fluffy, and brought it over, casting out the fabric and laying it on her gently, moving it down so her face was free. He loved her so much. It hurt to see her like this. She smiled at him, shaking a bit. Basil came over and crouched down close. Her hand came up and gently held his face.

"We'll talk later, okay? There's some fruit in the fridge. Feel free to cut it up and eat some." Basil nodded, rubbing his thumb on her wrist.

"Okay, Grandma. If you need anything, just yell." She chuckled a bit, giving a thumbs up under the edge of the blanket. “Got it." They detached and Basil stood back up, smiling at her one last time before heading out.

He didn't know what to do in the meantime. Usually they would play cards and have some tea at this time of day. He just wanted to be back with Sunny. He wanted to know him. He really, really liked him but knew almost nothing. What fruit did he like? Did he have grandparents? Tea or coffee? His favorite season? What shows did he watch? He wanted to know everything.

Basil took a deep breath. He was doing that a lot lately. Sunny just made him so happy. He scratched at his neck. The makeup was uncomfortable and dried. Maybe he would just take the day to relax. He was still worried about Grandma. She was having some trouble walking lately, but she always would insist she was fine. He took a second to pray she would be okay, right outside her door. He couldn't lose her. He had no one else.

Well, other than Sunny. Aubrey was there for him too, she was and always would be Basil's best friend, but it felt like Sunny instantly overtook Basil's affection for her. He only wanted him. He liked the others, they made him happy too, and he could settle with Aubrey if he couldn’t get used to them, but Basil was sure if Sunny wasn't there today he likely wouldn't have tried to get in their plans again. Hero made him uncomfortable. Kel was too loud. Mari was... alright. He still didn't fully deserve them. But his motivation for Sunny overtook that. He took a deep breath once more.

"Calm down, Basil. Everything's going to be okay."

-

Worry sat in the back of Basil's mind as he sat in the bath. He was back to being unable to look at himself, at least without clothes on. He got close, but stopped once he started to lift his shirt. He guessed this was something that wouldn't be fixed immediately. It’s not like Sunny would make his body different. His face was okay, at least. The haircut really helped. Maybe he could take some elements of Sunny's style and that would make him feel better, at least clothed. He still didn't know much. He missed him. He was disappointed when he looked in the mirror and the mark was gone after washing off. It wasn't enough. He wished it stayed longer.

Basil put on some shorts and a big comfort hoodie he wore when he was upset before he checked on his grandma one last time. He wasn’t really upset today, but he didn’t feel right. She was still asleep. He headed into the living room. He turned on the tv to the news and lowering the volume, before going in the kitchen. He did only eat one piece of pizza, which wasn't very much, so he was a bit hungry. He pulled an apple from the bowl in the fridge, bright red. They almost always had fruit, and he liked the apples really cold with peanut butter. He also loved strawberries. Grandma grew some of then a couple years ago, and he absolutely loved them. Very yummy.

Basil took out their main kitchen knife and cutting board, humming a bit as he cut the apple into eighths, holding the slices to cut out the cores. He went too fast, he was too happy, and on the 6th slice, he cut into the tip of his thumb. He panicked and dropped the knife back onto the cutting board, looking at the droplet of blood forming. He stared, he didn't expect that to happen. The shock turned to waiting. Watching the blood pool.

Basil looked around. No one was here. He squeezed the tip of his finger, drawing out more blood, before putting it in his mouth. He didn’t know why he did that. There wasn't very much liquid. He expected it to the taste better, like fruit punch. How vampires liked it. They always seemed desperate for blood. To him it tasted like water, just a bit saltier, with a metallic aftertaste.

He looked at the knife. There was a faint line of blood glimmering on the edge, near the tip. He looked around again. No one. He picked back up the knife, looking where the marks were on his palms. The bath finally got rid of them. He didn't like them there, they got in the way of him holding things.

His eyes moved down.

He pulled up his sleeve.

He needed to stop.

Basil brought the blade to his wrist regardless, pressing it perpendicular to his skin. His breathing picked up. He was doing this. How would it feel? Would he like it? Would it be like the moment when he was hanging? Basil lifted it for a moment, examining his wrist. Just a little dent. No blood. He wasn’t even thinking. The only thing echoing through his mind were two words. Do it. He brought it back, sliding it a bit.

It stung, similar to how it was when he touched things when his hands were raw from holding and shearing bushes all day, but he expected it to hurt more. He moved the knife away, looking at the little droplets of blood coming out of the wound, staying along the main red line that formed. It felt... Basil was unsure. It wasn’t good or bad. He licked the blood off the fresh cut before he put the knife down in the sink, rinsing it off. He rinsed the cut after, patting it dry with the inside of his hoodie sleeve. The cut starting to swell at the edges as it clotted. He was looking at it again. He brought it to his lips, thinking. Feeling. It kind of itched, and it radiated some heat. Maybe this wasn't the right spot for it.

Basil brought his hands to his neck. Crap. Other people could see it like his neck. That was a bad decision. Why'd he do it there? He should of done it where no one would see. It was still hot out, it wasn’t like he could wear long sleeves once he left the air conditioning inside. His arms were too obvious, even up at the shoulder. If did it there, he wouldn’t be able to be shirtless anymore, even though it made him uncomfortable sometimes. He liked that day at the lake. The sun felt good. He also liked wearing shorts.

It left one spot. His thighs.

Basil pulled up the leg of his shorts, bringing the tip of the knife down again. He wanted it. Pretty red lines, decorating his pale skin like the red spots on the mimula's he would find outside occasionally. He used the tip of the knife, going left to right. Across the road. It felt like an itch being scratched. It started with just one. It wasn’t enough. More. More. He didn't count. He went until it was scratched, the knife sounding like his hand running across bedsheets. Basil finally stopped, releasing the breath he was holding and letting the knife clatter to the ground next to his foot. His brain was cleared. Then the panic set in.

He looked. The blood was starting to drip down to his knee. He needed to deal with this. He should have waited until nighttime. He could’ve let the blood stay longer that way. Basil tore off a paper towel from the holder above the sink, wiping up his leg before moving to pat the cuts dry. He pressed it down the same way his grandma did when he’d accidentally cut into his fingers when he was getting used to using shears. He held it for a bit before lifting it, looking at the cuts, now clotted like his wrist. Blood was no longer obscuring them. He counted.

23. Basil blinked. It didn’t feel like that many. At least his brain was clear. He needed to finish cutting up his apples. He got a few more paper towels and folded them over, pulling up the part of his shorts again-

“Basil?”

Chapter Text

Basil froze. He didn't even think about her during this. He felt like a deer in headlights, looking back at his grandma. She looked at his legs, then at the knife. He was caught. The short fabric was still up. She knew. He was a freak.

"I- I don't even know what to say." Basil put the paper towel over the cuts before pulling down the shorts, the fabric tight enough to hold it in place. He looked at the floor. He couldn't look at her. He was ashamed. He got caught.

"I don't even know why I did it." It was partially true. He wanted to see what would happen. Why did he want to see? Basil stepped towards the knife, both of them looking down at it.

"I just... I accidentally cut my finger, and I did... the rest, without thinking." He squatted down by it. The paper towel stuck in the cuts and pulled, it hurt a bit, but he ignored it.

"I'm bringing you to therapy. Tomorrow." She moved closer, making Basil stand up as she took the knife. He didn't want to be taken away. He didn't want to be put in a hospital. He couldn't go. Sunny would get lonely. Sunny would leave him. Abandon him.

"I-I don't want to-" Her head whipped back. She was mad, but Basils eyes matched her own, filled with tears. They always cried when upset, regardless of the emotion.

"No. You're not getting out of this. It's gone too far. You're going. We'll deal with the consequences. You're only 10, I don't want to lose you. Last night showed me that it's possible. We're going to get through this, and it's necessary. We have to get through this." Basil felt his heart drop. There was no getting out of it.

"Okay, Grandma." He remembered, very faintly, how therapy felt when he was younger. He was feeling it at she looked at him. He held his wrist, digging his nail into the cut that was hidden.

Her eyes were filled with it.

Judgement.

-

Basil sat on the couch in silence, waiting. His grandma was making dinner, but he didn't want to help. He didn't want to do anything. She was watching him, trying and failing to make it look like she was mad and ignoring him. At least she was feeling better. He didn't want to go, but had no choice. He was scared. These people would judge him. They'd take him away. From Aubrey. From his grandma. From his friends. From Sunny.

He thought of Sunny's smile as he showed him the sunflowers he made. He should get his sketchbook. He could save lots of flowers up for when everyone hung out, it would make Sunny happy. Maybe he could even draw something for Kel. Most of what he did earlier were quick doodles he’d work on just until someone had a new idea. He got up slowly, walking quietly to the entrance to the hallway. He would prefer to not talk with her.

"Don't." He froze in place, mid step. She saw him. Of course she did.

"I just want my sketchbook. I want to draw something for my friends." She took a deep breath, putting down the bowl she was holding.

"Was today okay? I don't... I don't know if that's what caused you to do that. I hope it isn't." Basil still wasn't sure. It was almost like he was in a trance earlier, with no goal other than to bleed.

"It's not. Everyone... everyone is really nice. Kel is funny, Mari likes teasing but is patient, Hero is... pretty nice. And Sunny..." Basil paused. Happiness filled his chest, making him shiver. He gripped at his shirt. Sunny... he'd never said his name out loud. It felt so good. Sunny. Just thinking it made him feel better. He hesitated, but turned to face her, smiling big and laughing.

"I really like him! He's quiet, and hard to read, but his hair is fluffy and he seems to be a good listener. He pays attention to everyone. To me..." Basil felt a weight off his chest, letting himself smile. Finally, something good. His grandma gripped the counter. Was she not happy for him?

"I'm glad, but... it doesn't explain it. You still need to go." Oh. Basil wasn't trying to get out of it anymore. He could talk about Sunny tomorrow and it would be okay. They wouldn't take him if they didn't know about the cuts, or the hanging. Or the bunnies. Or Rai. Nothing was wrong with him. He had to believe that so they would.

"It'll be okay. I'll go." He started to leave again, stopping and looking back for reassurance. She gave him a quick glance, but looked away when they made eye contact. He took a deep breath. He deserved that.

-

Basil got his sketchbook and pencils quickly, moving back to the couch. He wanted to be away from his grandma, but he knew she'd be upset if he tried to hide in his room. He opened it, ready to draw, but froze. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He had no thoughts in his head. It was all fuzzy. He do flipped back from the fresh page and tapped the pencil against the page. He looked at the droplet of blood. The page turned again, Basil seeing where he tore out the noose drawing. He was so inspired after that, even though his hands hurt.

Pain. He needed pain.

He glanced over. Grandma wasn't looking.

He lifted up his shorts. The blood seeped though the paper towel, just a little bit, leaving a few dots.

He shouldn't do this.

He did it anyways.

Basil dug the tip of the pencil into his thigh, wincing a bit. It snapped him out of it, everything now in focus, but he pushed harder. He wanted to bleed. He wanted to see the aftermath, the mess. He was so inspired to draw that one time. He needed to stop, but his arm was frozen. He couldn't move. More blood was coming up. It made him happy. He closed his eyes, dragging the pencil up and across the lines, like a bow across a violin. He vaguely remembered that dream he had with the colorful ropes. He imagined himself now controlling the strings with his fingers, as if he had a puppet. Nothing was attached. It was just himself.

"Basil. Stop." No. He didn't want to. He wanted the pain. He wanted to choose what he wanted. It wasn't like honey or sugar in tea, it was more important. She came over, trying to grab the pencil and pulling his hand. Basil struggled, trying to keep it. He wanted this. He got both hands on it, but she pulled harder. He needed this.

He needed the control.

He let go when he thought that, his grandma grunting and taking the pencil away, gripping it in anger until her knuckles turned white. He knew now why he did it. Basil always did what everyone wanted. Or he tried to. He didn't want to. He wanted to lash out, go crazy, but it would be too much for everyone else. He wasn’t allowed to. He needed to keep everything, every bad though he had, to himself.

It slipped.

And it was too much for her.

"Basil, why?! Why are you doing this to yourself?? What did... what did I do?" Oh. He made her cry again. He looked at his leg, still seeping a bit of blood. Pretty.

"I don't know."

"You keep saying that, but why wouldn't you? You did it! You're still bleeding, for Christ sake!" He started pulling at the paper towel, making her slapped his hand away.

"Get up. I'm fixing you up properly. I really should have earlier." She stepped back. He didn't want to. The blood would be covered, and he couldn't just lift off bandages like he did with the paper towel.

This was getting a bit out of hand, though. He wanted her to calm down. He didn't want her to stay upset. It would make things harder down the road.

Basil stood, wincing a bit as the cuts pulled his skin. His leg was shaking. Guess he overdid it. His grandma grabbed his wrist and led him to the bathroom. Basil sat on the toilet lid, blood dripping down his leg again. Gravity caused his shorts to fall down, so blood was on them now as well. He felt dizzy as his grandma rummaged under the bathroom sink. He didn't think he lost that much blood.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore." She said it dismissively, pulling out a slightly dusty first aid kit. Basil felt a tinge of pain in his chest. He's heard that before. It was definitely his parents. He started crying again. He wished he didn't. He didn't want to miss them. He always refused to look at the pictures of himself with them in the hallway, long hair, forced to smile, in the frilly princess dress they forced him in. He refused, as much as he wanted to see them. He hated it.

Basil was pulled out of his thoughts as his grandma kneeled down. She had to use the counter, and Basil could see her straining. She really wasn't going to be able to walk soon. He was selfish. She was doing this because of him, putting herself through pain because of him. He needed to be careful if he was going to do this again. And he knew he would. It was just a matter of time before he felt that way again. He’d felt it before, but he knew what to do to make himself feel better now.

He pulled the shorts up for her, and she took the paper towel off. Basil expected it to hurt, but only the center and bottom of it was drenched with blood, so it only hurt on the dried edges. She wrapped it up in toilet paper, setting it in the trash. Aw. He wanted to see the lines on the back. She took more toilet paper and soaked up the blood that was still there. The blood that was spread thin across his skin made Basil's skin a tad darker, closer to Hero's. He thought it would have been pink. He was glad it wasn't.

"This is gonna hurt. A lot." Oh no. She took out cotton pads from the first aid kit and a bottle. Hydrogen peroxide. As Aubrey would say;

Shit.

"Is there a-any other way?" She shook her head.

"You have to use peroxide to clean blood. It'll have the chance to get infected otherwise. Get ready." Basil took a deep breath, clenching his fists. This was going to hurt. Really bad.

He closed his eyes. And thought of Sunny.

Suddenly, it wasn't as scary anymore.

Chapter Text

It hurt. It hurt so bad. Basil completely underestimated how bad it would be. He had to bite down on his sleeve just to avoid screaming. Earlier he welcomed the pain of the cuts, of the rope, but this was agony. He cried so hard. He would never do this. He would rather get an infection than do this. Maybe this was trying to teach him a lesson, but he would get away with it next time. He wouldn't get caught by her. He now knew the consequences.

"Now you know. Don't do this again. It'll be worse. Don't touch them. I don't even think we should wait until tomorrow to take you, but it's already 3 so I don't think any place will take walk ins this late. The hospital seems like a bit too much." Basil stayed silent as she wrapped up his leg, putting gauze over the red lines. He didn't know what to do either. It was getting stuffy in here. He rolled up his sleeves.

"What will we d-do until tomorrow?" She sighed, using a small metal clip to keep the gauze together.

"I don't know. I don't want to leave you alone because I'm worried you'll do something else-" She stopped, looking at something. Basil narrowed his eyes before following where here eyes were. His wrist. He pulled down the sleeve. He completely forgot.

"Show me." Basil sighed, pulling it back up. Resistance was futile. She took his wrist gently, looking at it. She wordlessly took out a bandaid from the kit and laid it over.

"It was a test."

"Basil, don't. Don't explain. Just... please don't do this again. It hurts both of us." She forced herself up, using the counter. Basil reached out when she stumbled, but she caught herself. He stood up too, wincing at the cuts. They still burned.

"Let's just eat dinner. We both need to calm down." He nodded. It was better to go along with it.

-

Agony was a good way to describe the next few hours. They ate completely in silence, and Basil drew a bit, but she only let him have crayons. He hated them. They were super chalky, and he couldn't get any fine lines. It looked like a little kid drew the flowers, even though he wasn't one. Maybe he could have his pencils back tomorrow. He wanted to make something good for Sunny.

"So, I'm going to try to trust you to be alone tonight. I'm really tired and still don't feel too good. If I hear anything, and I mean anything, I'm going to make you come in my room again. Don't mess with the bandages. Got it?" Basil put down the crayon, leaning into his arms.

"Got it." He'd have to be quiet. He didn't have a plan yet, but he knew he wanted to do something. Something he shouldn't do.

-

They both followed their usual nightly routine, but Basil couldn't help bit feel anxious. He knew why she was watching, but it felt like more eyes were on him, like when he went into his classes. Basil hated it. He was glad he could be alone soon. It had been almost an entire day.

Right before they went to their room, Basil was pulled into a big hug by her. He didn't hug back. He didn't want to feel the shame of how much he hurt her.

"Goodnight, sweetie. Please stay safe. I don't want to do that again." Basil nodded, looking at the floor. Maybe he shouldn't, after all. She pulled away, looking for a bit, before she turned. Basil turned, going into his room.

What...

What was that?

He squinted, looking at the window. Black tendrils moved back and forth. Basil heard the howling of the wind outside. He pushed himself back against the door. What was that? He turned the light on, calming down.

That... was weird.

Basil had never been scared of trees before. Why now?

He took a deep breath. Calm down. It's fine.

Basil walked closer to the window, but his legs were forcing him back. He wanted to close the curtains, but his feet froze. He wanted to run. Why were they doing that? Why was he scared? It felt familiar. The fear. He wanted to look away, but his eyes were stuck on the moon peaking between the branches. He was scared to blink, breathe, move... he needed to do something.

His hand moved down to his leg. He dug his nails in, focusing on it. He whimpered, squinting and looking up at window. The eye was still there. He kept staring at the moon. Go away. Calm down.

"Everything is going to be okay..." Basil said, as quiet as he could. It wasn't. Nothing was okay. They were looking. What was this? His nails dug deeper. Stop. Stop staring. Tears formed again as he felt blood seeping out once again. Why? Why won't they stop? He moved his arms up, hugging himself as tears started to well up. He needed to deal with this. Grandma would hear him.

Basil yelled in his throat as he ran, closing the curtains. One of the screws holding up the hooks ripped out of the drywall, clattering on the floor, rolling towards the edge of his bed. He panted, staring at the screw. That... was weird. He'd never been scared of trees, or his window. He had a nice view of the tall sunflowers he started to take care of earlier this summer. He liked his window. What was going on? Bad things kept happening over and over this week. He bent over to pick up the screw.

He had a screw loose.

Funny.

Chapter Text

Basil stood for a bit in silence, staring at and twirling the screw between his fingers. His brain froze up again. He allowed it to happen. He bled a lot earlier, so he was a bit woozy. There was still the urge to look. He didn't want to have to disinfect the cuts on his leg again if his grandma noticed, so he left his leg alone. It was starting to itch, though. He sighed. He was tired. Today was a lot. He wanted to sleep, but sleep would mean that tomorrow would come even faster. He could still feel eyes from behind the curtain.

Maybe if he pretended it wasn't there, he could calm down.

He got his sketchbook from his pocket and opened to a blank page. Nothing. His brain was blank again. He needed something to calm him down. Basil thought back to earlier. Sunny calmed him down from a panic attack. That was amazing.

But Sunny wasn't here.

He took out the black crayon, writing Sunny's name in the top right of the page. It was bulky. Not graceful at all, like he was. Basil added a tulip after his name. They were very easy for him to draw, just a line and a couple triangles. Simple.

Basil wasn't really good at drawing people. He tried before, but the head would usually be the wrong shape, or the eyes too big. He needed to start at, least. Sunny's face was a bit round. Wait, no- too round. He flipped the crayon around. Can't erase. He sighed. He wanted his pencils back. Eyes. Sunny's eyes were big and soft, with just a hint of brightness near his pupils. Warm and comfortable. He drew two straight lines. No, wait. That's wrong too. That makes him look angry. Hair. Soft and feathery. He drew a dot and feathered it out. Wait, now his head was too small. He ruined it.

He ruins everything.

Basil flipped the page again. The eyes outside were still looking at him. He started again with his hair. Too long. Whatever, just keep going. Don't stop.

The cycle repeated a few times. He'd start Sunny's face, then quickly would give up when one thing went wrong, flipping the page before finishing it. The more he thought about what he actually looked like the more distorted the image of him became. He wished he had a picture. Maybe he could ask for a camera soon. It would be easier for him to draw flowers at school, too, if he could see what they looked like when he wasn’t here. On the 7th drawing, Basil pushed too hard in frustration, and the crayon snapped. He looked at it for a second, paper holding the two pieces together, before he threw it off into a corner of his room. Piece of crap. He wanted his pencils.

He dug around for another one in his hoodie pocket, pulling out a red that was a different brand from the rest. He kept drawing. Wrong. He flipped the page again. The hard line through the back of the page wasn't letting him get the right texture. His hair was the right shape, at least, minus one line. Basil stated at the line and squeezed his fist, breaking it. Why can't he doing anything right? He threw it at the same spot with the black crayon and continued with a blue one, drawing the circles for his eyes. They were wobbly. His hand was shaking. The tip broke off. Basil dropped it on the floor, reaching in and taking out the last one, yellow. He just had to do the rest. The face. It was starting look like him. He moved quickly, finishing up and calming down.

Sunny. It was him. He's here. Basil wasn't alone anymore. He put his finger on his head, looking in his eyes. It was almost like he was petting him as he smudged the crayon on the paper. He smiled at it. He did it. Well, he was out of crayons now, but Sunny was here. He brought his sketchbook close, hugging it. Basil hummed with his eyes closed for awhile, happy that he made a good drawing, until he heard birds starting to chirp. He looked at the window. Oh, jeez. The sun was starting to come up. He had no idea he’d been doing that for so long. Well, he had his sun. Right in his hands.

Basil pulled the sketchbook back and flipped the page, surprised to be at the back of the sketchbook. He looked through his failed attempts. Ew. He turned to the back one, bringing the paper to his lips, placing them just above Sunny's head, calm as the sun started to peak into his window. Basil wasn't pretentious enough to go after him just yet, like Aubrey was. He knew people needed time to form relationships. It was one sided right now, but...

Basil knew he loved Sunny deeply, even if they knew nothing about each other, really. He wanted to spend the rest of his life together with him. Just thinking about Sunny made himself so happy. That's what love is, right? Maybe he was coming on a bit too strong. Maybe he did some weird things. But if he was happy, why did it matter? Basil pulled back. He smelled the paper a bit, unintentionally. Crayons had that certain smell he couldn't pinpoint, a mix of the paper and wax. What did Sunny smell like? Did he spray anything on himself? Use anything? Would he like Basil's smell? Did Basil even have a smell? He wanted to ask so many questions. See so many things. Do so many things.

Now wasn't the time. Sunny wasn't even here, anyways. Maybe Basil could make a list of questions he’d thought of to ask him. He'd basically known Aubrey his entire life, or at least since he could remember. He had never made a new friend before. She was always there. He looked at the window again. The sun was effectively up. Basil put his sketchbook on the bed, walking to his window, glancing at the taller flowers that peaked up before the trees. The light burned his eyes. He blinked a bit before yawning. He should get some sleep before he had to go. His grandma usually woke up early, and if he wasn't up an hour or two after, she'd wake him up.

Basil put his sketchbook on the floor near his bed, pulling the blanket out of the mattress. It hurt when he laid on his thigh, but he didn’t mind. It was worth it. It gave him the inspiration he needed to make a drawing that he could cherish forever. He wrapped his blanket around himself, gently falling asleep, thoughts of tulips in his head.

Chapter Text

Basil rolled awake on his back with a groan to his grandma knocking at his door. Ugh. It was still so early. Why was she trying to wake him up? He pulled the blanket tighter, refusing to open his eyes. He was too tired. He shifted his leg, whimpering as fabric was forced into the wounds. His eyes shot open, remembering the madness that was yesterday. He had to go to therapy today. All that stuff happened. His breathing picked up as he touched his thigh under the blanket. He flipped it off. He had bled through the bandages and his shorts, just a bit on the bed as well. He brought his fingers up, looking at the blood.

"Are you up? I'm gonna come in if you don't say something in a few seconds." Basil's eyes shot towards the door. She'd think he did it. He didn't. He just moved too much in his sleep. He had to say something. He moved to stand up, sitting on the bed, but it hurt too much.

"D-don't!" Wrong thing. The door opened. Basil looked up at her. The shock quickly became anger.

"Basil! What did I tell you?" She heard her steps come closer, loudly.

"I-I didn't mean to, I j-just- I moved in my s-sleep."

"...oh. I'm-" She sighed, putting her hand on her forehead for a moment, looking closer. It wasn’t that much in retrospect. Basil was still mesmerized by the blood. He still liked it.

"Sorry. I'll rewrap it before we go." Basil panicked. He didn't want it to burn again. It wasn't his fault. He didn't deserve it this time.

"Calm down, I won't disinfect it like yesterday. But you need to be more careful." He nodded quietly.

"Can you say you will?" He rubbed his arm.

"I-I will."

He knew he was lying.

-

The cleanup went pretty smoothly. Basil kept his focus on his leg as she unwrapped and wiped it clean with some warm water before rewrapping it. It hurt a bit, but he'd grown used to the pain, and welcomed it, just a bit. He stayed in the living room after he got changed as she cleaned up his bed, looking at their flowers.

How did everything get so messed up so quickly? He just... went crazy for a bit. Everyone did that once in awhile, right? So much had happened he couldn't process it. That thing with Rai, the door, his legs, and, most of all, Sunny. Basil smiled a bit as he thought his name, closing his eyes and imagining him. His tulip. He missed him. He wanted that drawing he did; he'd only remembered it once he got in the bath. He couldn't always have it. Basil would need to find a way to keep Sunny with him. Forever. Regardless of what happened. He moved his hand to his thigh.

There was a way.

Tulips were easy for him to draw.

How much harder could it be to carve it into his skin?

It would be like a cute little tattoo. Aubrey's dad had some flowers on his arm, even if he only saw him once when he picked her up from his house. Tattoos could be pretty, even on men. He wanted that.

He traced the lines of a tulip on his thigh, glancing at the knife block on the counter. He wanted to do it now, but he couldn’t. Basil could wait.

Maybe he should plan something better.

He was still a sunflower. Maybe he should do both of theirs. A sunflower and a tulip on his thigh. Starting with his own flower would be best, just in case Sunny left him. It was still really early. He didn't want that to happen, but Basil had no idea what would happen, not even in the next few minutes.

"Basil? You ready?" He moved his hand away, looking back.

"Mhm. L-let me get my sketchbook first." He stood up as she came into the living room, wearing a flowery blouse Basil hadn't seen before. It matched her pin. She was very pretty. Basil loved her, even if she was making him do this.

"Oh, I already got it for you. I think it would be good for you to be able to draw something if you freeze up. It’ll be a lot of talking." Basil gave her an annoying glance, taking it in his hands gently. That happened one time at a conference with his teacher. He smiled as he felt the cover with his fingers. He had Sunny again. But wait, he didn't have his pencils.

"U-um, I don't have my pencils. Can I have them back?" He hugged it to his chest with his arm. She shook her head. He looked down.

"The crayons broke." She sighed.

"You can have one. If I see you even try to bring it near your leg, I'm not giving it back." Basil nodded. This sucked. She grabbed her purse before digging in it, giving it to him. He smiled a bit, sliding it into his hoodie pocket. Finally, he could draw something good again. Practice his sunflower, for later. He’d still need a new sketchbook, though.

"Thank y-you." She pat his head, walking to the door.

"Come on."

-

The drive was silent, other than a very quiet pop station his grandma turned on along with the usual humming of the car. Basil was too anxious to even look outside, instead focusing on his hands as they drove. The marks were gone, but he kept thinking about them. He really wished he didn't have to do this. He wished he could've just gotten up and went about his day after he got patched up again. He wanted to hang out with Aubrey. And Sunny. Mainly Sunny. He still wanted to be friends with Aubrey, but he wanted Sunny to be there as well.

The silence remained until they turned into a parking lot. Basil looked up, but had to keep going. The building was huge. He had to look all the way up just to read the letters. "Faraway Mental Health Center" was written in bold letters. He didn't like that. It felt scary. This is where the scary people went; the ones that would hurt other people. Basil didn't want to be here.

He heard the keys pull out of the ignition and hesitantly stepped out. Basil silently followed behind his grandma, clutching his sketchbook. There wasn't even any grass here. It was nothing like the warm doctors office he'd been to before, where they'd give him a piece of candy for being a good kid. It wasn't even like the vague memories of his old therapist, concrete walls with fake plants in the corners and crappy couches, and that was already bad.

He hated this.

The building smelled sterile, like the dentist, the main differences being a baby crying loudly, along with occasional sniffing and coughing. Basil looked up and stopped as his grandma went to the front counter to talk to the receptionist. He didn't know any of these people in the waiting area, as he expected with going so far from town. It was a few random adults who looked bored out of their minds, a younger lady with the crying baby by her side, and a teenager in the furthest corner with tired eyes, red glasses, and fluffy black hair that Basil didn't recognize. He decided to sit by her, since she was isolated from the rest, and farthest away from the baby. He was still nervous. He left a seat open between them with one on his side for his grandma for them to wait, placing his sketchbook on the chair between them.

"Hey. That a sketchbook?" Basil nodded, bringing it over. He didn't want to scare her like he did Rai. It would be hard enough to avoid one person in town. He didn't want to add another on top of that. He glanced at her lap, also with a sketchbook. She was wearing ripped jeans, but Basil's leg couldn't help but twitch when he saw scars above her knee through the rips. Large ones. She crossed her leg over it in response.

"Sorry. I try to be okay with them, but it's hard. I don't know if I should cover them or not, especially here." The baby had stopped crying. He sighed in relief.

"I hate coming here, too. I haven't seen you before, though. You seem pretty young. What's your name?" He looked up at her. He tried to smile but it wobbled back to neutrality.

"B-Basil. I'm 10. I- yesterday-" He looked down at her legs again before gesturing at his own. The outline of the bandage was visible under his shorts, since the fabric was thin. She took a deep breath, leaning back before looking at the ceiling.

"People like us get younger and younger every year. It's sad. I'm Mincy." People like us? Did she mean the cuts or something else? Basil stayed silent, looking at his grandma still talking to the lady at the counter. He started to flip through the pages of his sketchbook at the corner, barely enough to see the page with a drop of blood on it. He didn’t do anything on it. The blood was starting to turn brown. He wanted this to be over.

"Can I look? There aren't any other artists where I'm from. It's okay if you don't, though." Basil smiled a bit at that. He's an artist. He opened the page to the one drawing of Sunny, smiling at him. At least one thing was nice, here.

"There's some... weird stuff at the b-back." He hesitantly gave it over to her. She handed hers over to him, a lot larger than his own. The cover had a lot of stickers, characters and bands he didn't recognize. The pages were worn on the edges.

"Mine does, too. I don't think there's anything too bad in there, though." Basil opened it and smiled big. It was really good. Really, really good. A drawing of a sunflower in red ink. It was painted with odd colors, blue and orange, and had some extra stuff around it’s edges in a spiral. He looked in the middle. There was an eye looking at him. He kept staring at it.

"Yeah, I do kind of abstract stuff a lot. I need to draw more real things, but it's good for stress relief." He looked over at her. She was already halfway through his sketchbook. He saw a weird look, knowing she got to the page with blood on it, but she moved on. Basil flipped through hers really fast, seeing various buildings he halfway recognized before stopping on one page. Wasn't that... Mari? She was really pretty, especially with those flowers around her. He recognized them as a type of orchid his grandma grew a couple times. He turned the page towards her. She was about to be at the pages with Sunny.

"D-do... is this- okay, wait, where are you f-from? I think I know her. Who is she?” Mincy looked down, blushing.

"Um, I live just outside of Faraway. In that area with the little neighborhood and that hobby shop. And, um, she's... in one of my classes. Well, was, before summer. I... have a big crush on her...” She pat her legs a bit before turning to the back page, back to Basil. He knew she had to live in Faraway.

"Well, then, who is this?" Basil felt warm as blush crept on his face as he saw the drawing. There's his tulip.

"Uh... same... that's m-my crush..." Basil felt the blush get more intense and he locked his fingers together. He let out a little whimper as his grandma came over and pat his head, his smile dissipating. She had a clipboard, sitting next to Basil and crossing her leg over to write on it. He turned back, Mincy holding out his sketchbook to him. They swapped and he hugged it again. He glanced at her one more time.

“Hey... good luck, alright?”

Chapter Text

The room was mostly silent as Basil waited. A couple names were called, every couple minutes. He swayed his legs a bit, looking around the room. Mincy was now doodling a bit, but Basil didn't like people watching him draw, so he left her alone out of courtesy. There were some posters around the room, talking about group therapy, and a couple talking about things Basil only heard about in passing, like alcohol and drugs. He didn't want to think about those things. He rubbed his sketchbook with his thumbs. Capturing Sunny's energy was hard; he really needed to get a picture of him. With that- with Sunny by his side, he'd be able to do anything.

"Hey, can you check this over for me and tell me if it's accurate?" His grandma handed over the clipboard. Basil read it. Just the top made him anxious.

He assumed why it was there, but it still hurt. Has this patient attempted suicide and/or tried to hurt others his/her self in the past two weeks? She used a pen. She checked No. He knew why, but that would force him to lie. Basil didn't mind though. He'd learned how to do it quite a bit in the last couple days, and he didn't want to be taken away, especially before he could see his tulip again. Under it was his information like his name and address, then some general mental health topics that would be checked off if someone wanted to talk about them. Basil didn't understand most of the words, like mania and anorexia, but he looked at the ones she checked. Self harm, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and gender identity/sexuality were checked. That was right. Basil glanced. Relationships/friendships was unchecked. He grabbed the pen attached and marked it with a little heart. His love for Sunny. His grandma looked down at it as he put the pen back.

"Oh? Did something between with you and Aubrey?" Basil felt a blush creep across his face. He handed it back.

"N-no! Grandma! Y'know... my new friends." He smiled again. She gave him a strange look before going to the next page. Sunny made him so excited it was embarrassing. He wanted to jump on his bed and wiggle his feet in the air while talking with Aubrey on the phone about everything he loved about him, like a lovesick teenage girl he'd seen in those crappy high school dramas on tv, ecstatic as the butterflies in his stomach threatened to eat him alive. He tried to force himself to stop smiling. He was sure he looked weird, creepy. He covered his face with his sketchbook. He was blushing so hard. Maybe Basil shouldn't have checked the box...

He just... Sunny! Wow! That amazing feeling from yesterday was coming back. The excitement, the way his heart threatened to burst out his chest, the way everything was in focus but distorted with brightness, filled with colors, like the ropes that surrounded him in that dream. Filled with excitement. He wanted to run. Yell. Get this energy out. He was so happy. Basil was still smiling. He brought the book closer, curling into the chair. He was so excited. For what? This was about to be awful. But he just- Sunny just- he made him so, so happy, it scared him. What was this feeling? Why did he feel like this? This was how it felt when he first saw the rope at the camp; the same way with laughing in the woods, those couple seconds with the door, being with Sunny… when he was slicing at himself…

"Basil Adams?" Basil snapped the sketchbook down and stood up quickly, being stopped from walking up as his grandma gently pushed him back down into the chair by his head, going to the counter for him. He wiggled his feet a bit. He'd get to talk about things. And this person couldn't run away, not like Rai did. They'd have to deal with him. They couldn't escape. He stopped himself. That wasn't a good way to think of things. This was their job, and they'd be trained to talk about things and listen. He needed to calm down a bit. He looked back at Mincy. She was drawing still, but she looked up at him for a moment. His grandma was back.

"They gave me another paper. You doing okay? You seem a bit... antsy. It's okay. Just calm down a bit. A good first impression will matter, depending on who you get." He looked back down at his lap, where the gauze pad stuck up under the fabric.

"I don't know what's going on with me, but I’m just really really excited, and it’s not really about anything. It’s... overwhelming." Mincy hummed in acknowledgement before going back to her sketchbook.

“Mania, maybe.”

Basil didn’t respond. He didn’t know what that meant. He rubbed circles on the cover of his own with his thumbs, continuing to look at his leg. Basil wanted to cut it again, but knew he couldn't. He didn't have the knife anymore, and his grandma wouldn't let him go too far from her to get it again. He moved his leg a bit, feeling it sting again. That wasn't quite enough, but it satisfied him for now. His smile came back when he felt something in his pocket, though. He had a pencil. Maybe he could go to the bathroom and finish what he started yesterday. Well, he'd have to hurry with it. Basil stopped, thinking about it. He was too slow yesterday.

Maybe he could wait.

It wouldn't be that rewarding anyways. He wanted new cuts. The old ones were already starting to scab, at least from what he could feel. What could he use? Grandma wouldn’t let him get near the knives, and she’d notice if they were gone. He didn’t want to get caught again. He had scissors, but they were really dull, and didn’t open too wide. The pencils were only good for reopening the wounds, and he didn't want them taken again. He had a metal ruler, but that wouldn't be sharp enough to cut through his skin; just would scratch a bit. He could already sense that just from how it felt on his fingertips when he'd use it to mark where to cut paper for art projects. There was a little sharpener he used for the crayons, and one for his pencils, but he didn't have a screwdriver to get the blade out. Maybe he could use something in the garden? No, that would give him an infection. What could he take without being noticed?

Basil felt a switch flip in his head.

He saw it yesterday, very briefly, pulling out a blanket.

Grandma's sewing kit.

She hadn't used it in a long time. She wouldn't notice. There was a razor blade in there. She used it to cut out fabric when she would make tree skirts for people around town, saying it was more precise than scissors. Why did she stop doing that? He vaguely remembered the feeling of the itchy fabric under his fingers at Christmas, reaching to pull presents from the back near the window, out for his-

No. Not thinking about that. Instead, he imagined the feeling of a tiny blade he hadn't even touched yet, in his fingers. He'd pull his hand up, swiping down against the soft flesh of his outer thigh, as hard as he could. A harsh sting, then bliss. His thoughts would stop. Then, a deep red line would appear where the blade sliced. He'd halt for a second as it slowly dripped blood onto the floor, and he'd be filled with that feeling again. Right under his window, in his room, would be the perfect spot. It was the farthest spot in the house from Grandma’s room. She couldn’t hear him there. He imagined a beautiful splatter as it went down, landing in a pretty spread, with dots flying out from the main puddle. Branches, like the trees.

Basil blinked a bit, trying to calm himself down. His grandma was probably looking at him. If she knew what his brain was like, she'd definitely check him into a hospital. He didn't want to do that, though. More time apart from Sunny. He just had to pretend.

"How's it going?" His voice was a bit more enthusiastic than he meant it to be.

"Well, they said it would take a bit since there's a bunch of people in front of us, but they're looking around for who'll match you." Basil nodded a bit, glancing back at Mincy. Her head was pointed up at the ceiling, but her eyes were closed, sketchbook in her lap. She must have been here for awhile if she was ready to sleep. Most of the other people were gone, though. That meant Basil's turn was coming. Her name was called and she got up, clearly out of it, walking to a door near the entrance. She glanced back at Basil, giving him a reassuring but nervous smile. He smiled back as she left. Maybe he’d see her around.

Was he ready? He said he was, but he didn't actually know that. He closed his eyes. Smears and lines of blood were all he could think of. He couldn’t wait to go home. He needed to make his plans with Aubrey to see Sunny again. He made him happy, and he was happy now, but it wasn’t exactly the same. Sunny was a calm happy. This was an adrenaline filled rush that would not calm down, no matter what he did, until he’d be able to cut again.

He’d just have to wait. And get through this.

Chapter Text

Basil jumped up as his name was called again. He spaced out for a bit, which was a bit of a relief from before. He was still pretty sleepy. It had been a few weeks since he'd had a good nights sleep, even before the camp. The last two days were filled with nightmares and restlessness. He hoped they'd go away after this. His grandma walked over with him to the counter. The receptionist looked bored. And tired. Well, Basil would be that way too if he had a crying baby and people he didn't know near him for most hours of the day.

"Oh, sorry. The door is over there." Basil glanced over where she pointed. It was steel and had metal embedded in the windows. It was scary. What kind of place was this? Why'd she pick here? He was a kid. This didn't have the colorful and friendly paintings of his normal doctors office. This was where sick adults went. He shouldn't be here. His grandma took his hand, pulling him along. He heard a buzz and click.

"You can go in now. First door on the left, past the bathrooms. Lindsey will be seeing you. She's got bright blonde hair like yours. Not hard to miss." The receptionist looked around the lobby before sneakily pulling up a magazine. He laughed a little as his grandma opened the door. He looked at the bathrooms. He was surprised when there was a third one. He'd never seen one of those before. He'd been nervous to use the boys bathroom on a few occasions, so he usually just didn't use the bathroom at school. Maybe he could go in there with his pencil. Wait, no, he said he wouldn't do that.

They turned into a room with a few different rooms attached in a hexagon shape. There was a old red couch in the middle, and some low quality paintings around the edges of the walls. Basil had to stop himself from laughing at one of a deer in an overly saturated yellow field that was particularly bad, in one of the offices. He kind of hoped he'd get that one, just to talk about the painting.

"Lily and Basil Adams?" Basil turned to see a nice looking lady in a white pantsuit with big black glasses and fluffy blonde, almost white, hair, holding a pen and clipboard in the back of the room. He was expecting someone... different, but he was fine with her.

"Lindsey?" She smiled a bit.

"Yep! Just come with me over here and we'll get things started. The offices are all kind of random, so we just take whatever is open." That was a poor way of managing things, he thought. And no one else was in any of the offices. Where'd all those people from before go? Well, the building was big. Basil smiled as she walked into the deer office. His grandma let go of his hand, which he was thankful for. His hands got sweaty easily. The office also had a similar old couch as the lobby, a desk with a clunky computer, and a bookshelf. Lindsey was sitting in a chair at a computer at the desk. Basil couldn't read what it said, but there were a lot of windows open. She clicked on a few things as his grandma closed the door behind him.

"That's... a painting." Basil snorted. Even his grandma had to say something. Lindsey laughed a bit.

"Yeah, I don't know. The decorations are kind of random. Public funding or something. You two can sit down, I'm just filling and writing some things real quick." Basil did so quickly, sitting on the side of the couch next to the bookshelf. He was already calmed down a bit, but the energy he had before was now replaced with anxiety. How much should he say? He should say everything, right? But that would freak out his grandma. And he'd get in trouble. Crap. He remembered the sensation of a beaded pillow under his fingers. He knew that there was one the last time he went to a therapist. It was all he remembered, other than being scared. This wasn't the same building or room, but he could almost feel the beads rolling under his fingers. He wasn't there, but the fear was still in his mind.

"Alright, I got everything. Let me just get some basic stuff down. There's a lot to go over, but let's just start with a basic introduction. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Like, your age, some thing you like, how you’re doing…" Basil perked up a bit. She was looking at him. All of his nervousness came back. He looked down into his lap.

"U-Uhm... I'm Basil. I'm 10. I like... drawing, and flowers, and... I'm messed up." His grandma put her hand on his head again. Lindsey looked at it.

"He's a bit shy around other people, especially strangers. A lot has been going on in the last couple weeks as well." She pet him a bit. Basil was relaxed by it, but she stopped him from talking. He didn't want her to be here. He couldn't actually open up. She was trying to make him lie, too.

"Well, based on what you checked on the checkin sheet, a lot has. I'm mostly worried about the last two boxes. I'm sure you both know that suicidal thoughts and self harm are both very serious, and it's especially important we deal with this considering how young you are, Basil. Can you describe what these thoughts are like? I need to get an idea of how serious they are to figure out what you need." Basil felt his hands tremble on top of his sketchbook. He knew why he did it. It was what Mincy said.

"I, um... they're... it's..." Sunny. He'd leave him. Lie. He forced a smile.

"I'm... transgender, and... I'm just unhappy w-with my body... I don't feel right. It... seems easier to just... l-leave." That wasn't it. Not even close.

He was unhappy, quite frequently, but that's not why he did it. He wanted to feel afraid. He wanted to be in control of his own life, and his own body. He wanted to feel something other than anxiety and sadness. The adrenaline made him feel alive- more than existing, like he could be anything, do anything, have anything. His body was useful like that. He thought so much faster, he didn't stutter nearly as much, and he paid attention to things better. It made Basil feel like a wild animal on a hunt, everything about itself having been built for a purpose. He wanted to run and scream and destroy and rip and tear and be covered in pretty, red blood, killing and stabbing that horrible, horrible man, over and over and over-

Basil broke out of his fantasy as his grandma shook his shoulder. He blinked a bit, looking at the painting, refocusing, feeling himself panting and his heart racing. What was that? He couldn't say that to anyone. Ever. He looked down at the bandaid on his wrist, bringing his hand up to cover his face, trying to steady his breathing.

"Basil? How are you doing?" Basil glanced over at Lindsey, then his grandma, from between his fingers, letting his hand fall down. His grandma looked especially worried, but Lindsey did, too.

"G-Grandma, I love you, but... I don't... I don't think y-you should hear t-this." He rubbed the cover of the sketchbook, glancing at the bandaid. He wanted the comfort of his drawing. He couldn't do that now. That was stupid. This was serious.

"But, Basil, we talk about everything... and you wouldn't talk to me, so that's why I..." She took a breath, taking his hand. Basil forced himself to look into her eyes. They looked just as scared as he was.

"You're right. If this will help, I will. Just... stay safe, okay? I love you. I mean, if it's okay." Lindsey nodded. Her hands came to hold his face, a couple of her bracelets clinking together, gently kissing his forehead before standing up. Basil couldn't look anymore, even as the door closed. He was too sad. He didn't want to hurt her. He took a deep breath, blinking away tears.

"I'm sure that was a very difficult thing to do. You two seem very close." Lindsey put the clipboard on the desk. Basil nodded.

"Yeah. It's just been us since I was 5. She knows- knew, everything about me. B-but... I don't know anything about me. I don't know what's wrong with me. And... I don't mind it. That's the worst part. I just, I don't want her to cry a-anymore." He heard Lindsey sigh.

"Basil, you seem like a very smart kid, so I'm going to try to explain things as realistically as I can. I'm really concerned with what I just saw. You seemed to be dissociating and panicking- really badly. Dissociation is like a daydream, but more intense, and you can't stop it. Were you thinking about anything in particular?" Splatters of blood filled his mind. Blood dripping off his hands. Off his thighs. A proud grin on his face under the moonlight of his window.

"T-the cutting. I'm... scared to say more."

"If you don't want to, it's okay, but just know that I'm here to help you. Nothing is off-limits, unless you're thinking of hurting someone. With the self harm and suicide, I can use my judgement, but if I think you’re in danger, I need to say something. I'm also required to report abuse, but I doubt think that's occurring." Basil shook his head at the last part.

"Are you... sure? There was... the one question... the t-two weeks..." Basil glanced up. Lindsey leaned back in the chair.

"That's more for the... violent types. Along with crisis situations, where it's likely to happen again. I think your implying that something like that happened, right?" Basil took a deep breath one more time.

"Yes. I... I tried to hang myself. Two nights ago. I don't... I don't really know why though. It just... I thought it would feel good. I don't know why it thought that either. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to... get close. I would have stopped. I just went limp, and that was good enough, but... the chair slipped." It was calming him down. Someone knew now.

"T-then... yesterday, I met some new friends. The most important one is Sunny. I don't know why, but... when I think about him I get so happy, and excited, and my heart races. I know, it's just a c-crush, but... it was instant, and I can't stop thinking about him, a-and...I couldn't and- and..." He felt the familiar sensation of tears burning his eyes.

"I did this." Basil pulled up his shorts. The bandages were clean. Disappointing. He wanted to shock her. She was trained to keep calm. That would've been interesting.

"W-well, my grandma covered it but... oh, wait-" He pulled one side of the bandaid off his wrist, holding it out. Lindsey only glanced at it for a couple seconds.

"Basil, I don't need to see that. Please put it back. I believe you." He felt himself turn red from embarrassment and shame, pulling his hand back. Lindsey wrote a few things down. The bright red was now dark and the skin around it was a bit pink from the bandaid. He shouldn't have done that. Why did he want to do that? Shocking people like this was weird, right?

"Are you feeling okay? Physically? We have a nurse that can treat them if we need to." Basil instantly shook his head.

"I'm fine. My grandma disinfected them and everything. It... hurt. More than the knife did." It was quiet for a moment. Basil stuck his fingers between the pages of the sketchbook. He really wanted to look.

"Well, alright, then. If you're sure. Is this the first time you've purposely hurt yourself?" Basil nodded.

"I've never really liked myself, but... when I was with Sunny I had so much energy. Everything was amazing. I'd never felt that way before, about anyone. Anything. It feels like he's the only thing I need. Nothing else is enough. It's almost like... a high... and I know that's bad to say, especially with the kinds of people that are here, but... I feel like I'm addicted to just... thinking about this boy." He was so embarrassed. This was stupid. He shouldn't have said that. He needed to shut up and pretend like he was just sad about himself and that's why he did it.

"That's... hm. Some people can form attachments like that and get dependent on people, but you said you just met him, right? I don't think it's about Sunny himself, if that’s the case. Have you ever felt like that before?" Basil closed his eyes. He felt rope sliding in his hands.

"W-well... the day before we met, I was at this summer camp... and I met an older boy. He said something, and it freaked me out, and I panicked. We went in the woods in the dark, and I told him about some of the thoughts I was having. A-and... it scared him. He ran away, just because I was honest. It feels like what I'm doing now. I just... I know I need to stop talking about this stuff... doing this stuff… but I don't want to stop. I liked... I liked shocking him." He rubbed at his wrist again.

"I haven’t really heard of that before. Before, you said it felt like a high, right? Excited, energetic, restless types of feelings?” Basil nodded. It was like staying still would make him explode. “That sounds like a pretty textbook example of mania. Do you know what that is?" Basil shook his head. Mincy said it, but he didn't know what it meant.

"Mania is a primary symptom of a mental health condition called bipolar disorder. When you experience it, you feel extremely energetic, hyper, happy, and so on. You’re also more likely to do things impulsively, such as self harming. I think that's what's been happening with you. You mentioned being sad a lot, which sounds like depression, the other primary trait. Can you tell me a bit more about the sadness you feel?” Basil opened his sketchbook just a bit to peak at Sunny. This was stressing him out. He smiled again.

"Mhm. T-that first part sounds like what I felt. And… I know it seems like I shouldn’t know, but I know I have depression. It’s… usually… I get really sad, and don’t want to do anything, and get anxious, too. What do we do about it? I also have to deal with my h-hormone stuff. I don't know if we have insurance, or what it is we need to do. I'm bad with math. I like drawing a lot more." He kind of loss track of what he was saying. There were a lot of things he was trying to remember.

"Well, I'll need to talk to your grandma about it, but I think a follow up visit and medication might be a necessity, especially if it helps your self harm urges. I'll need to go through the diagnostic criteria to be certain it's bipolar disorder, since some of the symptoms can be similar to anxiety disorders. There's also two types. Well, technically three, but it's just depression with minor hypomania symptoms. I’m getting into technicals a bit too much. I'll just ask a few questions. If you're uncomfortable, you don't have to answer them. Just say 'skip.'" Lindsey grabbed a large binder from the desk, flipping through a few tabs and pulling out a paper to put on the clip board.

"Do you know if you have any family history of mental illness? It can be anything, from insomnia, to anxiety, to bipolar disorder itself." Basil shook his head.

"I already know I have anxiety and depression, but I don't know anything about my parents. I just know they were bad people, and that they h-hurt me. It's... likely, but I have no idea. My grandma... I don't know either." Bssik was getting restless again.

“They hurt you? Can you describe why you feel that way?” Basil shook his head. Thinking about it just felt like a dark pit in his stomach, even if he was feeling “manic”.

"That’s not a lot to work with, but it should be fine for today. When we have a follow up I'll probably talk to your grandma about it a bit further." Basil felt the urge to run again, but this time, out of fear.

"I d-don't want to. It's... I don't remember what they did." He opened the book, looking down at Sunny. He already felt himself calming down, rubbing his head with his finger. Good Sunny. Basil liked him so much. Like a little cat... so huggable. So cute.

"If you really don't want to, we don't have to, but opening up and talking about these things can help a lot of patients, even young ones. But, I understand. We should get going on this. We're already about 30 minutes into our hour. Are you taking any medication already?"

"No. Just tea, if that counts..."

"It does not. Have you ever taken any drugs or alcohol?" Basil shook his head again.

"Alright. I'll go over the symptoms. Has the feeling of mania lasted more than one week continuously?"

"I don't think so. It's pretty new..."

"Well, just that already eliminates bipolar 1. Has it lasted at least 4 days?" He nodded.

"Exactly 4 days."

"Okay. Usually for a diagnosis, it's required to be one week, but you're likely experiencing mania still, and it's your first episode, from what you've said. I'll go over some more specific symptoms. Have you had inflated self esteem or noticed you feeling as if you were better than other people?"

"No. W-wait, actually... I felt like I deserved Sunny more than my friend, Aubrey, just because I wasn't pushing myself onto him as hard as her. But I didn't think I was... like, perfect, or anything. Just... a little better for him." Lindsey didn't comment, writing on the paper.

"Have you felt less of a need to sleep?" He nodded again.

"I got, maybe... 3 hours last night? I'm a bit drowsy, but I'm mostly fine." Lindsey nodded back, writing a bit longer than usual.

"Have you had racing thoughts?" Nod. Sunny. Check.

"Have you been distracted easily?" Nod. Sunny, again. Check.

"Have you had an increase in a goal oriented activity?" Nod.

"Well... it's... the goal of getting to see Sunny again..." She checked again.

"This last ones a bit weird since you're still a kid, but have you had an increase in risky behaviors like spending money impulsively, or doing things when you know they'll have serious consequences?"

"I mean..." He put his wrist up. Lindsey shrugged, checking.

"That's the mania part done. Have you ever had a period of depression lasting more than two weeks?" Nod. He already knows he has depression. Check.

"Have you felt down most days or every day? This can be before the mania."

"I feel that way... almost all the time. Well... at least until the mania started. The negative thoughts have been going on and off since it started…” Lindsey gave a small sigh.

"Lost interest in activities, even ones that you like to do?" Nod. Basil hadn't really done any gardening lately. He didn't want to. The flowers weren't as interesting as they were before. He just wanted to be around Sunny. That was all he wanted. Check.

"Gained or lost weight?" Basil shrugged. He didn't look at himself enough to tell.

"Have been sleeping too much or too little?" Nod. He was up all night yesterday, at the camp, and a couple weeks ago. Check.

"Felt like your movements were slower than normal?" Shake. Basil always tried to be fast, even when he was down. He sometimes froze up a bit, but that was his anxiety.

"Feelings of worthlessness or guilt?" Nod. He was causing all this trouble for his grandma. She checked twice.

"Alright. The last one was... suicidal thoughts and tendencies, but we both already know about that. It's a bit early, but I'm diagnosing you with bipolar II with atypical features. Most doctors won’t give you medication at your age without one. I want to emphasize that it's important for you to come back, especially since you likely have repressed trauma. Talking about it will be difficult, but it'll be necessary for proper treatment." Basil scrunched in on himself a bit. Lindsey stood up, lugging the binder onto the desk.

"I'm going to go talk to your grandma about your diagnosis and treatment outside. She might need to come back in after, just so we can set things up. You can chose to come with or stay here. It'll make it easier for her if you come, but I know you're scared to talk to her about this because you care about her so much." Basil just nodded and let her walk out after a few seconds, looking down at his drawing.

This was all too much for him. He was really screwed up, wasn't he? One visit and he had a diagnosis. He didn't even mention a lot of things, like those hallucinations, or the way he followed Sunny, or the way he frequently thought about ripping out his and other kids organs. Maybe she got it wrong. Basil wasn't going to tell the truth about that. That would make her send him to a hospital. She mentioned reporting homicidal urges. Was it that? Basil couldn’t tell. He didn’t like thinking about it.

…

It was really quiet. He traced Sunny's outline repeatedly as he waited. His head perked up to a knock a couple minutes later.

"Okay. It's- yeah. Come in." His grandma came in. Crying, of course. He knew she would be.

"I'm sorry, Basil. I didn't know it was... bad, like this." She wiped at her nose with a tissue from her purse. They always made Basil sneeze, but she was immune for some reason. He closed the sketchbook as his grandma sat back down.

"So, they already got your insurance and stuff sorted out up front, so it'll be easy to get you an appointment to see about possible medications. Until you go, I would highly recommend that Basil abstain from seeing Sunny, if possible. He seems to be triggering Basil's mania, and it would be really bad if he ends up hurting himself again because of it."

Basil felt his heart shatter. No, he was supposed to go to Sunny's house soon. He was supposed to learn about him and Mari. They were supposed to have a picnic and play the piano. They were supposed to talk about everything. He... he'd find a way to go, regardless. He needed to.

"I'm sorry, but, who's Sunny?" Basil smiled excitedly.

"One of my friends! I... I think I have a crush on him, to be honest… but... I'm gonna be sad until I see him again." His grandma smiled, despite being upset.

"Oh my goodness! You should have told me sooner. Ah, young love… so cute, isn't it?" She turned to Lindsey, patting Basil's head again.

"I'm serious. If it's causing this, don't go around him. I'm concerned that Basil is already relying too heavily on Sunny, despite the fact that they just met. You need to set boundaries for him if he can't do it himself. Relying on people too heavily is never good for either person." Basil frowned at that. She was probably right. But… Basil was the happiest he'd been in his life when he was around Sunny. How could that be a bad thing?

"Alright… I understand. Sorry about that. I misinterpreted it." Lindsey shook her head.

"No, it's fine. Just... for Basil to be so young and going through this, it increases a lot of risk factors as he gets older, like drug use, abuse, and physical illnesses. He's trans, too, which will cause a lot of extra stress, especially when he transitions into taking hormones and goes through puberty. Sorry if I'm hammering this in a bit too hard, but... my only other transgender patient was in a similar situation. She ended up taking her own life a couple years ago. I don't want that to happen again, to anyone." It went silent for a bit. Lindsey cleared her throat, smiling again.

"Well, it'll be okay. We have a plan. I'd recommend Basil to come back at least once a week for talk therapy, possibly twice, if anything worsens. If anything happens, or things escalate with him, come back here. If it’s outside of the hours, go to the closest ER you can. It's a bit early, but I that's about all we really have to go over for today. Do you want to schedule a follow up now? It'll be faster than calling or walking in." Basil was a bit disappointed about that. This took a lot of time and energy, and it would only get harder. Twice a week? That sounded impossible with school. Well, it would only be if things got worse. ER… hospital… Basil really didn’t want that.

"Alright. Can we do Thursday nights? At 5? That's the best time for me. Basil is also starting middle school, so he'll need to come after school." He smiled again.

"I'm starting a year early s-since my state test scores are high enough, so... I guess that works." He felt his grandma rubbing circles on his back. He didn't like when she did that, but he didn't want to tell her to stop. Basil had hurt her enough.

"Wowie! I knew you were smart, Basil. That works great for me. I'll see you guys then." Lindsey stood up, heading towards the door. Basil glanced at the painting again. It wasn't... too bad. It... no, actually, it was really bad.

"If you two wanna stay in here and talk for a little bit, that's alright. Just close the door on your way out and head back into the lobby. Stay safe, Basil. I look forward to getting to know you." Basil smiled at her.

"Y-you too!"

Chapter Text

"Kim, did I miss something? What'd he do?" Basil looked up at Aubrey. His best friend, for nearly his entire life, and now he didn't need her anymore. But it still hurt. Everything was so wrong. Everything fell apart.

"He was smiling and shit, like he was having a good time. I wanna beat his ass even more now." Aubrey grabbed the hood of Kim's hoodie, pulling her back. Basil forced himself up, wiping at his nose with his wrist. He looked at the scar there, faded. His first one. It seemed so small, so shallow, now. The blood made him reminisce about the day his life truly started. So pretty...

"Nah. I know he's like that. He likes being in pain. It's why I don't feel bad about doing this stuff." He looked up at Aubrey, blood dripping off his chin. He wished he could look and see the splatter. He didn't like being in pain. He liked the blood. He liked the control. No one could stop him from hurting himself.

"I don't. I wish you guys would l-leave me alone." Aubrey scoffed.

"You know what you did. You don't just get away with that. I know words hurt you a hell of a lot more." Basil had to resist the urge to laugh, sitting up against the brick. He got away with so much worse, many times. He wanted to brag about it so badly. Aubrey, hurting him? He hurt himself the most. He was the one who was really winning the fights. He was the one who ultimately won over Sunny. He was the one who deserved him. But, he couldn't. He had to protect Sunny, and of course, that included himself. He couldn't die until he saw him again. He couldn't say anything about himself about his feelings, or about that day.

"See? He's doing it again!" Ah, crap. Basil forced himself to frown.

"Let's just... go. We can get him worse next time. Class starts soon." He wasn't looking forward to that. They'd slowly gotten more aggressive, especially in the last couple months. He wanted it to end.

-

Basil took a bit, cleaning his nose with the handkerchief he had gotten specifically for when Aubrey would beat him. It was white, but the majority of its surface was now a faded and dirty shade of pink. He finished up, folding it neatly and putting it in the front pocket of his bag, looking up at the sky. It was getting cloudy and cold. The sun was now covered by grey clouds. He missed it. He missed his sun.

"It's pointless. It's... it's all pointless. I just..." The familiar sensation of tears welled up in Basil's eyes. He was so tired. He wanted this to end. He wanted everything to end. He couldn't. Basil hadn't seen him in 3 years. But how much longer could he do this? It was too much. This secret was too much.

Basil slowly forced himself to stop crying. He wasn't calmed down enough, or really even fine, but he had to go. He heard the bell ring in the distance. The bus was gonna come in a few minutes. There was no way he was going back to class. He had a good enough grade, even for an honors class. More important things were on his mind.

The lady on the bus meekly acknowledged Basil's existence with a nod as he sat in the back. She already knew he had a student pass. It was empty, of course. Other people had their parents pick them up. Other people weren't as fucked up as he was. Other people mattered. Basil was a parasite. He should just die. Sunny wasn't coming back. He closed his eyes, thinking of better times. Warm days under the sun, gentle conversations at the coffee table, chirping birds at the park, snuggles with his friends, flower crowns... Sunny next to him. Sunny talking. Sunny smiling. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny....

-

"We're here, kid." Basil glanced, sitting up. Must of spaced out again. The bus stopped almost 20 minutes from his house, but the school bus took too long for him to wait by loitering around. He grabbed his bag and shuffled off onto a barren road, near a wheat field. The wind blew into him. He closed his eyes, feeling the cold wrap around him, stirring up some trash in the gutter in front of his feet.

It was familiar. Coldness and sadness. Grey and blue. Fear. Despair. He was doing mostly okay, though, even after everything that just happened. Basil started walking home. It would take awhile. He should space out again. All of his days were spent worrying, spacing out, or on the rare occasion, happy, when his mania would return. Today would be alright. His favorite thing, after Sunny, was waiting for him back at home, after all.

-

"You ready?" Basil nodded meekly. He expected his grandma to talk to him, but they just sat in silence for a minute while she wiped at her nose and eyes with a tissue in her purse. Every time Basil used one of them he sneezed. He needed to sneeze now, but tried to push it down, standing up.

"Are you sure you can handle this? I think it's good for you, but... do you feel better?" They walked out of the office. Basil glanced back at the stupid painting again. He didn't want to see it ever again.

"I... ahhhh-" He sneezed into his elbow. Ugh. He hated sneezing.

"Bless you. You're so adorable, my gosh." She ruffled his hair. Basil moved her hands away, trying to straighten it down with his free hand. He wasn't cute. Did she not see what he did? Hear what Lindsey said? He wasn't just depressed. He wasn't just mentally ill. He had a mental disorder. It would go away, right? When he was older? It was just a puberty thing. This was temporary.

"Grandma... will I always be like this?" She stopped, dropping the tissue in a trash can just outside the office.

"Basil, I... I don't know. I thought I did, but, a lot has happened. For now, we should just listen to Lindsey. She's a professional and I'm sure she knows what's best for you." Basil was ready to talk back, but stopped himself. He was already pretty deep into this. He didn't want to be restricted much more. Lindsey already asked her to prevent him from seeing Sunny. Basil didn't want that. He made him so happy. He didn't care if that made him unstable, or sick, or weird. He didn't care if cutting himself was supposed to be bad. They were helping him feel good. So he'd just have to pretend it was unpleasant, pretend he got better, just until everyone would let him go back to normal.

"I'm... I'm sorry. About what I did. I don't know why I h-hurt myself like that. I promise I won't again." She didn't react. Not at all.

"It's okay, Basil. I don't really understand what's going on, but we'll be back next week. We'll go back to Dr. Hii afterwards to see if meds are right for you.” She pat his head, walking out in front of him. Basil trailed along. That was a vague answer on his cutting, but... maybe he could sneak it. Get the razor, have the time of his life, and pretend like the new ones were already there if she checked. He wanted to do it again, badly. But ultimately, he knew he needed to hold off. She'd check until it was healed. He'd just have to wait another day.

-

The ride back was a bit more upbeat than before, although it was still a bit awkward. Basil relaxed to the radio. He could feel the rush of mania fading. He was getting tired. More than tired; his depression was coming back. It was essentially his default state, but he wished it would go away, for good. He wanted to stay on the high of it. It felt good. But it was out of his control. He wanted to cut again.

Everything was going to be okay, but he didn't feel like it would be.

Chapter Text

Basil somehow dozed off in the car, waking up as they pulled into the outskirts of Faraway. He was really tired, rubbing his eyes. More than sleepy. Tiredness that wouldn't let up and wouldn’t fade. It was familiar to him, unfortunately. It didn't make it easier to bear.

The car was stuffy. Basil wanted out. He wanted to go back to sleep. He needed fresh air. He needed space. He needed to be away from his grandma. But he couldn't. He screwed up too badly. There was nothing he could do. Just wait it out. That was his entire life. Waiting for something to happen. What would it be? When would something change? The loop of going to school, coming home, watering his plants, drinking tea, bathing, and going to bed was exhausting.

That's what it was. That's why Sunny was so interesting to him. His life was so... different. New. He wanted to learn about his new friends so badly. Basil already knew Sunny was his favorite, but Mari was also very sweet and patient. Kel was really energetic, even if he scared Basil a bit. Hero... hm. Basil still didn't have much of an opinion about him. He was nice, but... kind of fake? Maybe there was more to him. He'd just have to wait and see, like always.

"Basil? Uh, Aubrey's outside." Basil perked up as they pulled into the driveway. She was, sitting on the front step of their house. Her clothes were the same as yesterday, but Basil was used to that. At first he was weirded out by it, thinking she was dirty and gross, but he learned her parents weren't the best as the years passed. Basil hadn't even met them, just seeing them from across the street once, and he already had a hatred for them. Once the car stopped, Basil glanced closer. She was crying. He pulled the lock up, unbuckling his seatbelt and jumping out. He heard his grandma say something, but ignored her, running over to her. His leg ached. She looked up, teary.

"Aubs? You okay?" He knew she wasn't, based on her facial expression. Basil sat next to her rubbing her back.

"Basil... I'm-" She choked out a sob. Basil didn't know what to do. He was almost always the one that was crying. Aubrey would usually give him a pep talk, which helped.

"It's okay. I don't know what's going on, but... I believe in you. You can do it!" Basil smiled reassuringly, but Aubrey looked up at him with a wobbly frown as his grandma came over. Of course it didn't work. Basil didn't even know what happiness was. He shouldn't have tried.

"Oh, geez... what's going on?" Aubrey looked up at her.

"I'm... I shouldn't be here right n-now, but... I just... Mari-" She held steady before her frown trembled, covering her face and sobbing once more. Mari? What happened with her?

"Is Mari okay? I don't k-know what happened..." Basil looked up at his grandma. She looked at him with concern before taking a deep breath.

"It doesn't matter what happened. Let's go inside and clean you up a bit, Aubrey." Aubrey hesitated before nodding, starting to stand up. Basil hurried, helping her up. He'd been weird the past few days, but he still cared about her. He'd have gotten worse a lot sooner without her help. His grandma pulled a chair near the couch, letting Aubrey take the spot on the couch closest to the hallway. Basil walked around the coffee table, sitting on the opposite side of her, leaving a cushion between. He didn't know how to comfort people very well. He was used to giving her a head pat, saying he cared about her, hugging it out, and moving on. Nothing anyone else did ever comforted him, truly. Just put it off for another day.

"I'm going to make us all some tea. Use these, Aubrey." Basil nodded and set down his sketchbook on the table, having Aubrey glance at it. His grandma walked back with a box of tissues and a small trash can, setting it down on the table before going back in the kitchen. He fidgeted with his hands next to Aubrey, listening to her sniffling before she took a tissue, wiping her nose. He felt a sudden bout of anxiety. What happened? Was Mari okay? He should have been here for her. Therapy was going to be a waste of time. He wouldn't get better. He was hopeless. He should just die.

Basil took a deep breath, scared of the thought. He dug his nails into the cut on his wrist. That wasn't how he was supposed to think. He had to be better than that. He had to help Aubrey. Suicide was an occasional thought of his, but he never had seriously considered it. It was easier though, right? Even if he was gone, even if he disappointed and hurt people, he wouldn't have to deal with it if he was dead. But every single time, before he could plan something, he'd always imagined himself as a ghost, seeing his grandma breaking down crying at his funeral. People like him didn't go to heaven, and suicide would guarantee it. It wasn't allowed. The people at church had said that. That's why he hated going. He blocked it out, but remembered the words they used. Basil didn't understand what they actually meant, but he knew they weren't positive. Tranny, queer, and faggot. He'd heard them somewhere else before, too. They scared him.

Basil heard a page flip.

His eyes shifted.

Aubrey was looking at his sketchbook.

Panic filled his chest. What should he do? Take it? She'd see the drawing in the back. She'd know he was a weirdo. She knew. He was disgusting. He was a stalker. He was sick in the head. But if he took it, that would be admitting he was hiding something, right? What should he do? Maybe... maybe she could know, right? It was just a crush...

No.

Basil couldn't trust her. He didn't trust anyone. Not even himself. He nudged Aubrey's shoulder with his hand.

"Hey, um... Aubrey? Can I have my sketchbook back? I kind of... wrote s-something... personal in it." She moved it down, looking at him. Aubrey was at the last drawing he did for Kel. There were only two pages left before the Sunny drawings started. He needed it back.

"Oh, um... sorry I took it. I should've asked. Your art is so pretty, it calms me down..." She closed the cover and handed it over, Basil taking it back. He felt bad, but sighed in relief, putting his thumb in the last page. He smelled the familiar smell of the stove burning, leaning back and relaxing. Basil was still really tired. He was always tired. It wasn't an excuse, though. He needed to help.

"Sorry I wasn't here. I was... at the d-doctor." Aubrey glanced over at him, eyes still wet. She looked like she wanted to say something.

"Are you okay? You seemed... kind of out of it yesterday. Jittery. Is your cold better?" Basil nodded. He forgot that was the excuse he gave.

"Yeah... it went away. I just... tripped and scraped up my t-thigh up a bit. Even got it wrapped up like a mummy." Basil pulled up his shorts, showing her the bandages. His grandma hurried over, putting down the tea before she slapped his hand away, pulling the fabric back down.

"Basil, stop showing them off. It's not okay." He crossed his arms, pouting. He was just trying to make his lie more believable. She expected him to lie to his therapist at their meeting. Aubrey had stopped crying, at least.

"I hope it heals fast..." He nodded. He wished his brain would heal instead. His grandma sat, sliding a tray of tea over before taking a cup. She already mixed in milk and honey in Basil's, since he always liked it the same. Basil liked chamomile tea, but Aubrey liked green tea. He took the cup, sipping a bit. Not his favorite, but it was alright.

"It's so fancy... thank you." His grandma hummed, taking a sip of her own. Aubrey looked at her before she followed, smiling a bit.

"It's good. Thank you, again." Aubrey placed her hands in her lap, rubbing her thumbs together. Basil closed his eyes, sinking into the couch. He wanted to go to sleep. He was worried, but he was stressed and tired. After this, though, he could.

"Do you want to talk about it yet, Aubrey?" She nodded.

"It's... it's Mari. She had softball tryouts today, a-and... she sprained her ankle pretty badly. I'm just... really worried she won't be able to play. Hero is really upset about it, and Sunny doesn't want to do anything. Kel’s doing his best to cheer him up, but... I'm kind of an outlier. I don't... I don't feel like I belong yet. She's still in the hospital, but my mom wouldn't bring me, and there wasn't enough room in the car. I just... I'm scared. I want her to be okay. We've only known each other for a bit, but... Mari feels like my older sister. I... I'm just repeating myself. Sorry." Basil put his tea down, around halfway through. Once she was done, Basil moved over and hugged her tightly. He related to everything she said. Aubrey took a moment but slowly hugged back, gripping at Basil's shirt.

"I... I do too. I know how you feel. It'll be okay. Everything... is going to be okay."

Chapter Text

After learning what happened with Mari, Basil's grandma insisted they go to the hospital to visit. Basil was spaced out the entire time. He couldn't focus on anything that was happening. He wasn't manic anymore; he just knew, so the idea of seeing Sunny wasn't nearly as exciting as before. He still wanted to see him in addition to making sure Mari was okay. He hadn't eaten yet, other than that cup of tea, so he was still tired. Today was going to be long.

The hospital was somewhat familiar to Basil. He went a lot as a kid, since the building was the only place in Faraway that could prescribe him his hormones. Recently, it was required for his grandma's medical visits, since the pharmacist at home couldn't do much for her other than basic checkups. Her doctor was concerned about a few things, like their family history of Alzheimer's, but mainly her knees. Walking was getting hard for her. She'd be okay. He'd be okay. Everything was going to be okay. He was still taken aback by the sheer height of the building, despite seeing it tons of times throughout his life. It was the tallest one for almost 50 miles, made more intimidating purely based on the large number of shiny, almost mirror-like, windows. It was the tallest building Basil had been on the roof of, for sure. He could see so much from up there.

He probably wouldn't be allowed up there anymore, even if he wanted to. It was probably for the best. If he was ready to do it, he'd probably jump. Yesterday taught him that he couldn't trust himself while manic. High impulsivity. He'd regret it while falling, just like while hanging. Basil glanced up at Aubrey, looking out the window. She knew nothing. Nothing of the mess of tangled black vines inside his head, constricting his heart, and poisoning his mind. She was innocent. It was best they were growing apart. Basil would just end up hurting her. Like his mom.

...

Basil woke up in the hospital parking lot. He didn't remember what he was doing or thinking. He was alone in the car with the air conditioner on. He panicked before realizing the door was locked. He was alone. He was safe. And he was happy about it. There was a sticky note on the dashboard. He crawled up and grabbed it, reading.

Hi honey! I know the last day has been a lot, so we decided to let you sleep. If you want to come visit, Mari is up in room 143. Just tell the lady at the front desk and you should be good. If not, we'll be back at around 1 to wake you up. Good news, Mari should be well enough to get out today. She'll just need some time to relax and recover.

Stay safe, -You know who

Basil smiled at the note. His grandma still loved him. He looked at the clock in the dashboard. 12:45. He had some time alone. What should he do? He looked out the windows. No one was around. He could do it.

Basil pulled up the shorts again, looking down at the bandages. Annoying. He needed to check his cuts. He pulled up on the metal clasp, seeing the wrap stretch away. He lifted his leg and unwrapped it, pulling up the gauze on top of his cuts. It pulled and burned, but he was excited to see, setting it aside facing upwards. The smaller ones had already scabbed, but the larger ones were still wet in the center. He looked down curiously, tilting his head. He hadn't seen anything like this before. Not in real life, not in a drawing, not at school, not in a book. The majority of them were light scraped red lines, but there were a few deeper ones. The edges of the deep ones were red, but the inside layer was almost white, just with a thin layer of blood. He ran his thumb over the cut, smiling a bit. It wasn't his mania. He liked it, regardless. He knew it wasn't just the mania. He glanced out the window in paranoia. His grandma caught him last time.

Kel was coming, followed by Hero and Sunny. Crap. He looked down at his leg. Crap- He put the gauze back and pulled down the fabric, balling up the fabric wrap and stuffing it in his pocket. The square shape was still visible, but it was held steady. He'd have to redo it himself later. He should fake being asleep. Less questioning for him. But Sunny was so cute, especially with the little popsicle he was holding. He wanted to run up to him and kiss his cheek before running away in embarrassment. Couldn't do that, obviously, but he liked the thought.

He leaned back against the door in the same way as before, closing his eyes. Basil couldn't help but smile, imagining him and Sunny, eating ice cream at the beach, holding hands while looking for shells, smiling under the sun, wading in the water. He loved him. That wasn't his mania, either. Some of his behavior was, but Sunny himself wasn't causing it. He just really liked him, and he got confused. It actually had started in the woods. He'd have to explain that to his grandma. He needed to be around Sunny. He just needed to say it was beforehand. He couldn't go without him anymore. He needed someone.

Basil heard a knock on the window. He pretending to be woken up by it, rubbing his eye, looking out the window. He jumped up, seeing Kel staring right into his eyes, face pressed against the glass. He was a bit startled, even though he knew he was coming. Kel pulled back.

"BASIL! We got you ice cream!" Basil glanced at his leg before opening the door, making Kel back up. He got a closer look at Hero and Sunny, standing. Hero was, to say the least, a mess. His hair was even more messy than the first time Basil saw him, his eyes were red, and he looked exhausted. Sunny... shouldn't stare too hard. Basil forced himself to look away, up at the trees. He could sense some worry in his eyes, but he stayed neutral. Calm. Basil was scared of looking for more than a couple seconds. He did that yesterday, and he ended up doing a lot of bad things. He lied about regretting it earlier, but he actually regretted it now. Being around Sunny wasn't bad, but he needed to control himself, and not be weird about it.

"O-oh, thanks..." Kel gave him a wrapped vanilla cone, topped with chocolate, as he closed the door. Basil was grateful, but he was actually kind of lactose intolerant. Just the small bit of milk in the tea he had earlier was hurting his stomach, similar to the pizza yesterday. He didn't care. He'd been through worse pain. He wanted the ice cream. He started to pull at the wrapper as Hero opened the front door to the car, turning off the battery and taking the keys out, locking it. Basil meant to do that, but he was distracted. He handed the keys to him, making him put them in his pocket. The wrap took most of the space, but they fit in just fine. He'd have to rewrap it before he went up to see Mari.

"So, um... lot has happened. I'm sure Mrs. Ad- your grandma went over it a bit with you, but... she'll be okay." Hero didn't look happy about it. He looked depressed. It was a side Basil hadn't seen. He was curious.

"Yeah, she will, bro. But hey! We're here! This building is so cool! I heard that you can even go onto the roof. Bet we could see our house from there." Basil needed to interject. He... if he had a method, would he do it? Jumping off a building? He imagined his corpse on the ground, smiling, soft organs spilling out, blood pooling out in a spray behind him like wings. If he went up there, he'd do it. He knew he would. He pulled at the paper of the ice cream. Distract. Don't think about it. He needed these thoughts to stop.

"Kel, m-maybe..." He was too quiet. Too scared. Basil wouldn't be able to say it. He didn't have an excuse. He couldn't say that he couldn't go up because he'd kill himself, because the last time he said he wouldn't, he almost died.

"Kel, no. Sunny's pretty scared of heights, remember?" Basil looked back to Sunny. He licked his ice cream, nodding. Cute. He knew another thing about him now. Kel pouted, grabbing and shaking Hero's arm.

"But I wannaaaaaa... what about you, Basil? You wanna go up?" Basil shook his head instantly.

"N-no... I don't really like heights, either. I'm... also kinda dizzy..." He wasn't lying. The heat, exhaustion, stomach pain, and hunger was getting to him. His hands were shaky. He just needed to eat something. He pulled the top of the ice cream off, bitting into it gently. It was melted a bit. Basil smiled at it. He liked it that way. It was good. Taking care of himself was hard. He should have eaten more last night.

"Well, that's settled. Sorry Kel. We should go back up. Told your grandma we were just getting you." Basil nodded, continuing to eat the ice cream as they started to walk. Sweet and cold. He put his hand in his pocket to hold the gauze down. He needed it. He felt better as the air conditioning inside hit him. Maybe he did have a cold. He felt shaky. He quickly finished eating it, before they even got to the elevator.

"Dang, you absolutely destroyed that ice cream." Kel laughed a bit. Basil chuckled in response, tossing the wrapper in the trash can nearby.

"It was good... I haven't eaten yet today." Hero frowned, pressing the button to the elevator.

"That's not good. It's already noon. Maybe I can make lunch for everyone at Mari's once she’s ready to leave. It'll be good to lighten the mood. I'm kinda... tired, though." Basil instantly understood. Hero hid it well yesterday, but Basil knew why he was uneasy around him. He also had depression. His hair was pretty messy and there were some hints of shadow under his eyes, even yesterday. The typical excuse of "I'm just tired" was something Basil said almost daily. He could ask about it later. He was also likely just worried about Mari. He had to go to the bathroom. He grimaced, looking at the ceiling of the elevator when he felt it was nausea, instead of the normal aching in his stomach. He hated throwing up more. He just ate that, too. The door beeped as it opened. Basil followed along, seeing the ice cream vending machine outside the door, and the bathroom sign.

"I... I have to go to the bathroom. I'm sorry. I'll catch up in a bit." Basil didn't wait, jogging away. The gauze was slipping. He was going to throw up. He couldn't hold it back, despite just finishing it. The watering of his mouth told him that. Pushing the stall door open, he collapsed down, retching into the toilet. He did it one more time before feeling it come up, still barely digested and slimy. It burned his nose and throat. It had been awhile since he threw up. He panted a bit afterwards, blowing his nose with the toilet paper. He hated throwing up, so much. He wasted the ice cream everyone got for him. Why did he ruin everything he touched?

"Hi, um... are you okay, little girl? I heard you throw up, I think..." Random stranger. Basil internally groaned in annoyance. He went in the men's bathroom. Of course he wouldn't pass well enough.

"I'm fine. And I'm a boy." Basil stood, leaning back against the wall of the stall. He heard the stranger walk away. He glanced at the mess in the toilet before putting his foot up on the edge of the seat, pulling his shorts back up. He readjusted everything before trying to rewrap it. It took a few tries, but he got it to sit alright. There was no excitement or interest for it anymore. Just disappointment. Today could have been alright if he just controlled himself. He'd have to get better before he'd be worth anything.

He'd have to start now. Basil cleaned himself up, the bathroom now empty, before walking into the lobby. Empty, besides a receptionist. She reminded him of the one he saw earlier, bored looking, sick of everything. Would he be like that too when he grew up? He didn't want to be. He went over to the counter, holding his hands together. Social anxiety was something he'd always had trouble with.

"Hi, um... I was l-looking for someone. Room 143. Can you point me to where it i-is?" The receptionist looked up from the book she was writing in, pointing with the pen to the left.

"Should be on the left down that hallway." Basil nodded.

"Th-thank you..." He started to turn to walk away. Wait. He needed to say more, right?

"H-Have a nice day." He glanced back seeing her look up in confusion, but managing to smile.

"What was that?" Embarrassment. He was too quiet to even do that.

"N-Nothing. Sorry." Basil scuttled away, looking for the numbers. He stopped at 143, door open. He peeked in from the edge of the door, seeing his grandma with everyone else, standing around Mari in a bed. Her legs were covered by a sheet, sunlight pouring in and shining off of her hair. There was a somewhat scruffy man with big glasses sitting in a chair next to her that he didn't recognize.

"H-hello..." Could he not stutter for once? He was trying to be better. Why couldn't the world just give him a break? Oh no, everyone was looking at him…

"Basil! There you are!" Mari smiled at him warmly.

"You can come in, it's okay." Aubrey looked a bit upset still, but the pink was back in her cheeks. Mari looked happy. Hero looked happy, although tired. Sunny was... happy in his own way. Kel was smiling like usual. His grandma was smiling in her own way, a bit smug and proud, but still reassuring. Even the man, who Basil now assumed to be Mari and Sunny's dad, was smiling a bit.

Why wasn't Basil happy? He walked in, Mari still smiling, going to her bed. His grandma put her hand on his back, like always. Mari told him about her tryout. It was impulsive, but the coach just happened to leave his jacket in the worst spot possible, and she slipped while running. She got on the team regardless, though. Sunny was here, smiling just a bit, difficult to notice with his usual neutrality. Why wasn't he happy? Kel came nearby, nudging him over to a flower that Mari's dad brought. An egret orchid. Basil's grandma talked about the meaning, having grown them before. Why wasn't he happy? Hero had his hair straightened up a bit by Mari, agreeing to make Mari lunch as she teased him about how he looked like a hedgehog. Why wasn't he happy?

Nothing was wrong. Sunny was here. Everything was okay. So, why...

Why wasn't he happy?

Chapter Text

The hospital didn't feel real. Basil didn't remember what it was about it, but it made him stressed. He went into autopilot, going through the motions of being his usual, nervous, but kind self. He didn't feel like he was even there. He confirmed the man was Sunny's dad, and that he was also the guy in the bathroom earlier. Apparently he worked at some tech company, and rushed out to watch Mari's practice, since it was a spur of the moment thing. He felt dazed. Sunny calmed him down, but it wasn't peaceful. It was closer to being sedated. He didn't like it.

They left uneventfully, wheeling Mari out with her things. Basil kept his eyes on the flower in her lap. It was pretty, but it didn't suit her. Egret orchids had a dream symbolism Basil couldn't quite remember. He was a sunflower, despite his negative thoughts. Sunny was a tulip, simple and comfortable. He knew she wasn't an orchid. They were too beautiful, too perfect. He thought for a long time about it. White. Hopeful. Guiding. Nurturing. He thought about daisies, then hydrangeas, then snapdragons, but none of them fit quite right. He got back into his grandma's car, Aubrey in tow, looking at a magazine in the back pocket of the chair. It was about flower symbolism. Perfect. He opened it.

Lily of the valley. Helped ward off evil spirits and help people see a brighter future. Positive. Kind. White. Elegant. Beautiful. Just like Mari.

Gladiolus. Strength of character and bravery. Honesty and morality. He thought of Aubrey. Despite how much Basil shoved his emotions onto her, she never got mad at him. She was always patient and honest with him. If people hurt him, she hurt them back. She always protected him. That's why she was his closest friend.

Cacti. Sturdy and resilient, thriving under the sun. He thought of Kel's smile, goofy and wide, missing a tooth. Despite their scary and almost obnoxious nature, due to their spikes, they grew beautiful flowers and delicious fruits when thriving.

Roses. Each color had their own meaning. Admiration, passion, friendship... strong, beautiful, and liked by nearly everyone. Just like Hero. Basil was slowly warming up to him. He was patient and kind, even when Basil was quiet or stuttered, he made sure he understood him and was heard.

Basil had an idea.

Growing everyone's flowers for them.

He had experience with his sunflowers and tulips. He could do it for everyone. He could be useful, and give them something beautiful. It would help him have a goal. It would be something positive.

His vines of toxic poison ivy could be made into beautiful, blooming sunflowers, with enough work and dedication.

-

Basil learned a whole lot more at lunch. They ended up going back to his own house, since his grandma had made everything already. She didn't say it, but Basil was sure it was so she could keep an eye on him. He learned a lot. Sunny and Kel were super shocked when they learned Basil hadn't read any of the captain space boy comics, Kel running back and forth to his house in only a couple minutes to grab all of him and Hero's comics. Mari and Aubrey read with them too, as Hero helped his grandma get everything ready, making chicken enchiladas. Apparently Hero and Kel were Hispanic, and Sunny and Mari were mixed, their dad being Japanese and their mom being white. Maybe he could help his grandma learn more things to cook. Soup, salad, spaghetti, and tofu were getting a bit repetitive. And they were... bland, to say the least.

Basil was happy, or at least some version of it, despite the disconnection. He didn't have to think. He could just smile and flip the page, listening as Kel pointed out inconsistencies in the story between the different editions over the years. Pretending he was happy was better than earlier. He wasn't really there, but he wasn't panicking or crying at the very least. Maybe things would improve. He had friends who were fun and cared about him, just after a couple days. He had hope for the future.

Basil didn't have any plans on confessing to Sunny just yet, but he could imagine himself with him in the future. High school would be so fun. Kissing behind the bleachers, hanging out in the park, studying at home in their rooms... Sunny was even left handed. Basil knew from how he held his pencil, as all four of them doodled in a new sketchbook his grandma had saved for him, that he was. Basil was right handed, so their hands would always be comfortable holding the others. How amazing. Everything was getting better.

The food was good, especially since they were allowed to eat in the living room. Basil only got to have tea in there, normally. Savory and spicy, warm and tender, delicious chicken. Basil knew he would regret eating the cheese later, but it was so good, he didn't care. Sunny was smiling, and Hero looked a lot better, too. Mari was still able to walk despite her ankle, just with a big boot over it, but she was still hopeful. Basil wished he was like that. Strong. Brave. Patient. He was doing good, though. They spent the entire day together. Everything was great. Everything was okay. He wasn't pretending anymore.

Hero and Kel left for a bit, getting Mari's picnic blanket from their house so they could relax in the backyard. Sunny went with, since he had the keys to the house. Basil was a little bit disappointed at that, but he knew he couldn't be too clingy, especially right at the beginning of their relationship. No, their friendship. Sunny didn't even know his feelings, and Basil didn't know how Sunny felt about him, either. Aubrey had to check in with her dad since it was getting late, but Mari decided to stay while Basil waited, since walking back was a bit hard, to say the least. His leg didn't hurt too bad, but he kept feeling the wrap twist and slip on his leg. Basil sipped at a juice box, sitting with Mari as his grandma washed up some dishes. Normally Basil would help, but she insisted on him relaxing. He was perfectly fine with that. He was doing good. Really good. He wasn't worried about it.

"Hey, Basil? Can I ask you something?" Basil nodded, resulting the juice down on his thighs. He wiggled his legs in the chair. Everything was great. His thigh had stopped hurting, for the most part. Basil put on his overalls, just because Kel thought they were funny looking. They didn't look right with his pink socks, though, but Mari liked them too. Mari was so sweet. He wasn't even tired anymore. Happiness could really do that, huh?

"Yeah?" He smiled at her. It dropped as he saw her facial expression. It wasn't nice. It wasn't warm.

"Why were you... following us? Me and Sunny, yesterday?" Basil panicked, squeezing the juice box just a bit too hard. It went up and out the straw, dripping into his lap. He hurriedly looked over to his grandma. She didn't see, or hear her, over the sink running.

"I, um... I..." Panic. Darkness was surrounding him, twisting around his ankles. He was caught. Everything was ruined. He knew it. He couldn't trust this happiness. Everything fell apart so easily whenever he let his guard down. He should have expected it. No one loved him. No one cared about him. He already screwed up too badly.

"Basil, I'm not mad, I just want to know. It's okay." Basil looked up. He had to lie.

"I-I... I wanted to see where you lived, cause I wanted to give you flowers. You're r-really... pretty?" God. Idiot, idiot... why did he say that? Mari was way older than him. That was weird. He didn't even feel that way. He dug his nails into the cardboard, looking down at his hands. At least that made him seem like he was straight. Imagine if Mari knew about his crush. Basil was too messed up in the head to be with Sunny, at least right now. Mari had to know that. Basil was sure he was already manic again. But, he was still tired, and wasn't wanting to hurt himself. Maybe he just had a good day? That was it, right? It wasn't mania. He was just happy.

"It's... you don't need to lie. I think I know what's going on." Basil looked back up in fear as Mari leaned in, whispering near his ear.

"You want to give some to Sunny, don't you?" He turned red as she pulled back, smiling smugly. That... worked. But she knew. Of course. Basil was blushing and sweating like mad yesterday, just from their legs barely touching together. He was staring at him the entire time they were walking. Mari had to have noticed. It was too obvious for her to not have.

"Y-yeah... but... I shouldn't have done that. It was creepy. I should have waited, or at least... asked." She put her hand on his shoulder, smiling warmly again. Thank god. It worked.

"It's okay! You have a crush on him, don't you? You blushed a lot yesterday, sitting next to him and all." He rubbed at the box.

"I... I do. Really badly. I don't know how to handle it. Yesterday I... I lost it a bit once I got home. I don't really wanna go into it, but I went to therapy today, a-and... they diagnosed me really quickly." He needed to stop. He needed to shut up. This was Sunny's sister. She'd tell him about this. Poison his image he was working so hard to build. The sweet flower boy, shy and caring. Art, books, and plants. That's who he was. Who he wanted to be. Not an unstable, suicidal, hyperactive maniac.

"Diagnosed? With what? Being a sweetheart?" She pat his head. Basil pulled her hand away, glaring down.

"Bipolar disorder." It wasn't even accurate. He lied about a lot of things. It was probably worse. He was probably a psychopath or some shit. Worse than he even knew.

"Oh... I'm sorry I joked about it. I don't really... know what that is, unfortunately." Basil shook his head. He didn't know what it was either.

"It's... a whole mess of things, mainly depression. But we're gonna go back next week to get me on m-meds. I'm pretty sure I need them. It'll be okay." He was still scared, but something about Mari helped him relax. Basil couldn't tell her about the self harm or suicide, but he felt comfortable enough talking about his depression. Maybe a bit of the mania, too.

"Well, I hope it goes well. Y'know... it's not really my place to tell you this, but Hero has some problems with depression, too. He's gotten a lot better with it lately, though. It seems scary, but I'm sure they'll help. Medications aren't a bad thing." So, he was right about it. That was a bit relieving. Basil could talk to Hero about it.

"My own head scares me. I really hope they help." Basil calmed down a bit. Mari really helped. She had the same calming energy Lindsey had. He trusted her.

"I'm sure they will. Mine stop my knees from giving out." Basil glanced, seeing his grandma wiggle her leg, grinning. She did hear. He expected her to be mad for him to be talking about it. She got mad at him for showing Aubrey his leg. He wondered how it was different.

"Yeah, well... the future is bright! We're gonna have a great time. I was actually thinking... I'm gonna have to lug myself home anyways, so maybe we should go there? I did wanna show you the piano, if we have enough time. We also have a big tree in the backyard, which is great to sit under. Sunny's told me it's his favorite one, if that motivates ya." Mari nudged Basil with her elbow, making him laugh nervously.

"If... that's what you think is best." Basil trusted her. She knew Sunny the most, after all. Mari could help him get closer. He loved her, too. He loved all of his friends. He was so happy with them around.

What would happen when he was alone again? When things got better? What would he do?

Basil dismissed his thoughts. He could be okay. He was... mostly okay, before. They had a plan. Survive the week, go back to therapy, get meds, and live his life with his new friends. He was looking forward to it.

-

"Hey, Basil, before you go, I want to give you something." Basil halted at the doorknob, Mari standing near him. His grandma walked over.

"Yeah, grandma?" Basil was surprised when he turned and saw her holding out her flower clip, her hair down from her usual bun. He was confused. That was hers.

"I... know it seems strange, but... I saw you so happy today. Real happiness. You've finally bloomed. I want you to have this." He hesitated. That was his grandmas, and only his grandmas. It was from one of her closest friends. It represented her love for his grandpa. Basil never met him, since he passed when he was young, but he knew it was deep, real, and intense love.

"G-Grandma, but... you and Grandpa..." She shook her head.

"I know. It shows our love. But I love you, and I know you've found someone you love that makes you whole. Please. It helps me, too." He hesitated, but ran his fingers over it, still in hers. A pink flower with two green leaves. He felt like he'd break it by just touching it. It was too important. He didn't trust himself with it.

"I don't trust... I'm going to break it, or lose it, and you'll get mad. I don't want-" Basil saw her hands move, making him look back up.

"It'll be okay. I actually broke it awhile ago, haha..." It was true. The leaves and the flower were two separate pieces.

"How about this- I'll keep the leaves, and you'll take the flower. I added a clip onto the leaves after they broke off. That way, we both have a part. If something happens to the flower, I'll break the leaves in two as many times as I have to so we both have a piece. Even if it's turned to dust. Got it?" Basil wanted to cry again. His grandma was so sweet. He was annoyed with her for most of the day, but he still loved her. He took the flower, clipping it onto the left side of his hair, near his bangs. His grandma smiled. He turned to Mari.

"Is it... does it look okay?"

"It suits you! Perfectly."

Basil smiled.

-

The walk was rough for Mari, but Basil was happy. They got Aubrey first before walking into Hero, Kel, and Sunny on the street. The picnic blanket was held in Sunny's arms as they walked. Basil was amazed by the house. It felt warm and cozy, despite the rooms being so big. He wanted to explore, see around, but Kel hurriedly pulled everyone out into the backyard. Basil was fine with it. There was a huge tree just before a dense area of the woods. He liked it. It was beautiful and comforting, like his own garden.

The picnic blanket was bright and soft. Basil was happy to relax on it. It felt safe, natural, and familiar, even though he hadn't sat on a blanket like it before. Aubrey brought some of her own art supplies, going through and teaching the three other boys in the group how to make pinwheels. Basil knew how to make them, since Aubrey taught him, but he just watched. Kel got frustrated, but Aubrey and Hero went over to help him. Basil watched Sunny the entire time. He was surprised with how delicately Sunny's hands moved over the paper, twisting and folding the triangles as the sun set. Basil was even happier when everyone finally finished, and Sunny got up, walking right behind Basil, putting his yellow pinwheel in the grass, right next to the largest tree. Sunny chose him. His best friend.

Basil's life would be good, from now on. He promised that to himself.

He was certain it would be.

If it wasn’t, he didn’t know how he’d end up.

Chapter Text

It took a bit, but Basil fell back into his routine over the next few days, just with a couple differences. He was able to keep off touching and messing with his cuts, even when the bandages slipped down. He had the urge to do it, mainly when he got bored, but he held back on it. His life wasn't the best, but he had friends, his grandma, and school coming up. He couldn't relapse.

He had one more hurdle left before he could be steady.

Going back to therapy.

Basil was scared. But he let it happen. He had to change.

The building was still intimidating to him, but Basil was extremely relieved when there wasn't anyone in the lobby, due to the time of day. The same receptionist was there. He hoped to see Mincy, but he guessed that she always had her appointment when he first came. He glanced back at the bathroom as they walked into the hallway. How different would things have been if he did it? Went in, dug the pencil into his leg, and bled out? He kept thinking about it. If his attempt with the door succeeded. If he hit a vein. If the good part of the day a week ago didn't happen. He'd be lost. Completely lost.

Basil perked up when he saw Lindsey, with the same gentle smile she had before. He was happy to see her, surprisingly. They went back into the crappy deer office, but Basil didn't mind it. It was more claustrophobic than he remembered, though. His grandma sat next to him in the same spot as last time.

"So, how are we doing?" Basil smiled.

"Good! Really good... a-and it's not because I'm manic this time." Lindsey chuckled.

"Well, that's good! I see you have something new in your hair, Basil." He nodded.

"Yeah... Grandma gave me it. It... it has a lot of meaning." He looked up at her, leaves clipped into her bun. They were matching. Basil thought it was cute.

"That's great. Well, I have a lot I want to go over. Basil, are you okay with your grandmother being in here today? I want you to be comfortable." Basil nodded again.

"Yeah... last time, I was just... s-scared. We're doing better, now." Lindsey nodded, thinking for a moment.

"So, we'll just get into it. I really think that we should get Basil started on some medication as soon as possible. I'm not a doctor or anything, but since Basil's only had one manic episode, I think antidepressants would be better for him. From what I've been told, his depression seems pretty serious, especially for his age. If they don't work out, they don't work out, and we can try other things. It’s just important you keep an eye on him, and that you’re honest if you start feeling that way again.” Basil agreed with that. His depression was pretty bad, frequently.

"Do you think they'll help with the mania? I don't know... if last week was the first time." Basil tilted his head in confusion.

"It wasn't?" Basil looked up at her. She shrugged.

"Well, I don't know for sure, but I think... no, I know. I've seen you like that before, minus what happened with your leg. I just thought you were really happy. I didn't even notice anything, really, until that time in the kitchen. I think the main thing was your stutter going away." Basil fiddled with his hands in his lap.

"Well... I don't remember having it happen before. I don't think it'll h-happen again." Basil wanted to believe that, but he didn't think he really did. He liked being manic. He just didn't like the consequences of people knowing what he did. It caused problems. He'd just have to be careful, and hide if it came up again.

"Let's hope not. But, more about you. How are things? Last week was pretty close to a crisis situation." Basil looked at his shoes.

"I'm... alright. I keep wanting to m-mess with my leg, but I haven't had the urge to do anything again, even with what happened at the hospital." Lindsey perked up.

"What... happened at the hospital? I think you were still manic when we finished up last time. Do something happen?" Basil felt her looking at him. He didn't like it. She was judging him.

"I"m fine. My um... my friend, A-Aubrey, was at our house when we came back last week. She was c-crying and stuff, but told us about our friend, M-Mari. She had hurt her ankle, so we visited her at the hospital. She's... Sunny's s-sister, so I saw him when we went. I'm sorry. I know I wasn't s-supposed to, but I couldn't really avoid him. I didn't wanna be cold or rude or anything, e-either. I'm also... pretty sure it went away after I took a nap." His grandma moved her hand to his back. Basil really wished she would stop doing that.

"Well... it couldn't be avoided, I suppose. I'm glad sleeping helped. I don't really know what your relationship with Sunny is, or how he is as a person, but if you think you can handle yourself, it doesn't mean you can't be around him at all. You just need to set boundaries." Basil remembered him and Mari's talk. He'd already pushed too far. He didn't care. Sunny made him happy. That was enough. If he did too much, Sunny would forgive him.

"Yeah, boundaries..."

-

The rest of the session went quickly and smoothly. Basil went over some specifics for school, some more symptoms of his depression, and they went on their way. He was relieved. He was ready to be done with this.

The hospital loomed over him as they went to see Basil's new doctor. He liked the walls, painted with large and goofy flowers, but he was still uneasy. Other kids went for colds, or just to be weighed and measured as a general check up, or if they had serious health problems. Basil had to go because his brain was screwed up. No other reason. He wiggled his legs, on the parchment paper of the little counter he was always allowed to sit on. He already got weighed and had his height done. He’d grown an inch, and although on the low side, was a healthy weight. They were just waiting. In silence.

"Hey, Basil, before the doctor comes in, I just want to say that I'm proud of you. I know things have been hard, but you're handling it really well. You’re so mature. I'm glad." Basil smiled.

"I am too! The future is bright." Basil was a sunflower. He could do it.

He could be happy.

Chapter Text

Basil looked at the bottle on the kitchen counter, leaning forwards on it, as his grandma put away some things she got from the gas station. He wasn't focused on that.

Pills.

He was bad at taking them. One time, he had an allergic reaction to something he ate at a movie theater, although he didn't remember what it was anymore. His grandma forced him to take a pill, since he was itchy all over. It took him a long time to swallow it, and he remembered it being unpleasant. And now, he had to do it every day. He was growing up so fast. He didn't like it. He wanted to stay innocent, and fun, and happy forever.

It was too late.

"Are you ready? Taking them is hard, but you'll get used to it. They're pretty small, too, so it won't be too bad." Basil took the bottle, flipping it upside down. Unlike his grandma's prescriptions, which were orange, the bottle of his was green. Smaller, too.

"I... guess. I'm nervous, though. I don't know how they'll make me f-feel." His grandma held out her hand, taking the bottle back.

"Well, we'll see. There's a couple side effects, but they'll be worth it if they help you feel better." She opened the bottle, taking one out and placing it on the counter. Basil stared at it as she poured him some fruit punch in a plastic cup he liked. It was really old. Yellow, with faded pictures of Clifford the dog around the top. It was immature, but he liked it. The pill was small, mostly white, with a blue tint, indented in the middle so it could be broken in half.

"So. You just take it, put it in your mouth, tilt your head back, and swallow." She put the cup in front of him. Basil put it in his mouth, taking the juice. He tried to swallow it, but he couldn't force it down. He stopped, taking a deep breath through his nose. It was becoming bitter in his mouth as the outer coating dissolved in his mouth. He tilted his head back before chugging the juice, feeling it go down. He coughed, feeling some of it in his nose.

"That sucked..." His grandma pat his back.

"I know. It'll get better, I promise."

-

It took Basil awhile to notice any changes. He slowly figured out how to take the pills easier, but he couldn't really feel anything new, at least mentally. He was a bit... out of it, but that was about it. His leg was healed enough to be unwrapped, which he was happy about. He also had his shot for the month today. It hurt a lot less than usual. He could handle pain easier after what he did. The first day of school was tomorrow, so he had to take a bath. He was ready, or at least he thought he was.

Basil was always avoiding the area between his legs. He hated that spot. He usually covered it with a wash cloth when he took a bath, but he didn't grab it this time. He was trying to push himself harder. He needed to do it to function in the real world. His depression had gotten better, but he still didn't like his body. He probably never would. It restricted him from doing things, made him feel heavy, tired, and lately, dizzy. Especially if he stood up too fast. Staring too long scared him. It felt like something was watching him. He turned his eyes to his leg.

Scars. Most of them were light pink. Closer to scratches than cuts. The larger ones were a lot darker, almost red. In the water, and for a bit after he got out, they turned purple. He ran his finger along the largest one before hugging his legs, resting his head on his knees. He couldn't look anymore. Basil closed his eyes. His anxiety was better, but he still worried. A lot. Especially about tomorrow. The suckiest part of school was the fact that he wasn't going to be in the same classes as his friends. Well, he wouldn't be with Sunny, Kel, or Aubrey. Hero and Mari were 8th graders this year, so he could see them, but it wouldn't be frequent. Maybe he could see them at lunch. He had been without friends before, even if he didn't remember what it was like before Aubrey came into his life.

He'd be okay.

-

Basil shivered, sticking his house key in the front door. The clouds and wind had quickly become colder, and freezing sleet had begun to pour down around halfway through his walk. He pulled the door open, quickly ripping off his jacket and backpack, dropping them near the door. The snow made him sad. He didn't want to think about that. He was already stressed. He kicked off his shoes before reaching into his bag, pulling out the blood soaked handkerchief. The wind blowing against his back had frozen it stiff, but it was still vibrant and red. He pinched it, feeling it melt back into a liquid between his fingers. He looked down at the thin veil of red-orange blood on his fingertips. Pretty.

"Basil? Is that you?" He looked up. Ugh. Polly was here. He'd have to wait, now. Basil folded it quickly, angled away from her line of sight, sticking it in his pant pocket. He wiped his fingers off on his shirt, since it was dark enough to not show the blood. He was too focused before, but he smelled soup simmering. Soup, again. He was so sick of it. He was sick of everything. He needed to go to the bathroom. He needed to cut.

"Y-yeah. I left early. I don't feel too good." Polly frowned, walking into the kitchen.

"Well, I started making dinner a bit ago. It'll be done soon if you want it early, but it tastes better if you let it simmer longer. That's what Granny says, anyways." Basil hated when Polly called her that. Basil only called his grandma Grandma. That was her name.

"O-okay, thank you." Basil glanced at his plants. He should water them. The outdoor ones were covered for the winter, but the indoor ones were the most important. Well, one indoor one, specifically.

His tulips. His pride and joy. They could survive the harsh cold, being the spring variety, but Basil would never force them outside. That would be cruel. His sunflowers always died or closed up over the winter. He had to keep the cactus inside, but it needed a lot of sun, so he had a lamp on it. The roses he had didn't survive well outside, either. The gladiolus and lily of the valley plants he originally had grown had died. Quite awhile ago, actually. The roses were suffering. Only his cactus and tulips were surviving. He grabbed the watering can. He kept it full at all times, just because he knew if he didn't, he wouldn't do it one day because of his depression and then would stop taking care of them completely. He touched the soil, testing the dryness of the tulips, before gently tipping a small amount in the pot. He was finally warming up.

They didn't need water too often, but he did take care of them the best. They always got his best fertilizer. Basil smiled, shifting his leg so the handkerchief rubbed against it. Lots of nitrogen. They always got gentle touches and all of Basil's attention. He'd whisper to them sometimes, late at night, telling them everything he couldn't tell his favorite person in the whole world. His favorite flower. He hummed a bit, happily, looking at the heart shaped pick stuck in the soil. He pulled down the watering can, setting it next to his gloves and sheers before plucking it up, twisting it in his fingers.

It had one of his favorite memories, even if the entire day before it was bad.

Chapter Text

The beginning of school went well, surprisingly. Basil was a bit lost with how big the building was, but he ran into Hero at breakfast, who directed him to his first class. It was standard. Math. Basil didn't like math, but he could do it well enough. It was boring. No one stood out to him in the class. He was doing good, until they got into introductions. They had to stand up, say their name, and a thing they liked. He tried to stay calm, but panicked a bit, mainly because he had to go second, due to his last name being so early in the alphabet. The first girl was the type Basil immediately pinned as the teachers pet. She said she liked her family and science, sitting back down. He stood, turning, shaky.

"M-my name is B-Basil... I um... I r-really like..." He griped at the edge of his shirt.

"B-b-buh... s-s-stutter." Basil felt his chest fill with shame as a few people in the back of the class laughed. It was an angry looking girl, part of her hair shaved, leaning back in her chair. She was smiling smugly.

"Kim, you know, you failed my class last year, so you could show him some respect. Basil is only 10, and he's in here just like you. Also, please sit normally. If you hit your head, you'll bleed everywhere, which is bad for all of us." Basil looked up at their teacher. She came on as strict, but he was glad she defended him. Kim flattened her chair, looking away angrily.

"He? I thought she was a girl." The teacher sighed.

"No. Basil is a boy. Please respect him. You can continue." Basil nodded a bit. He hated that. Basil knew who he was. He just wished other people could see it.

"I'm Basil. I like... flowers, and drawing, and my f-friends. Is... is that good?" Basil glanced back at the teacher. She nodded. He sat back down, staring at the desk as the next person went before burying his head in his arms. He hated people. He hated strangers. He wanted to be back in Sunny's backyard, smiling under the trees. He wasn't there. He started to cry, silently. Why did he think he could handle this? He was too young to be here.

Basil felt a nudge on his shoulder from behind. He looked down to see a hand, holding out a note. He took it and slid it back under his arms, unfolding the paper.

Don't worry. Kim is actually kind of nice. She's just kind of rude to strangers. I'm trans, too. I'll explain to her later. I'm Charlene. I also like flowers. They're pretty.

Basil smiled at the note, before remembering. Rai mentioned someone else in Faraway was trans. He was certain it was her. He looked back, still crying a bit. He was taken aback by her appearance, just because she was really tall and muscular, even compared to the boys in the class. Her hair obscured her eyes a bit. She smiled softly. Basil smiled back.

He had a friend.

-

Basil was not looking forward to the next class. It was one his most dreaded things.

P.E.

He was strong, but he had absolutely no endurance or stamina. Carrying a 20 pound bag of soil across his garden? Sure. Carrying a 5 pound bag of potatoes back from the store? Dying. The halls were busy, and he was pretty short compared to the older kids, but he weaseled his way to the gym just fine. He waited in the entrance by some bleachers. The gym smelled a lot like the music classroom Basil had throughout elementary. Wood and dust. He also had an art and gym class that would cycle every week, but music was the most fun. Gym was okay. It was mostly just dodgeball and pacer tests.

Basil would get out of breath easily, but he could manage to survive it just fine. If all else failed, he could always just run away to the bathroom. They were even right outside the gym. He shuffled around some things in his bag as the bell rang. It made him flinch, but he kept his breathing steady. He waited for a bit in a hall between two different gyms before a curvy blonde lady in a bright pink tank top showed up, along with a stern looking man with a shaved head, both of them having whistles on their necks. The lady talked first.

"Alright, welcome to physical education! Most of you are 6th graders, right?" Most of the boys yelled excitedly, raising their hands. Basil nodded, staying against the wall.

"Good. Is there anyone who isn't?" One hand shot up.

"Me." Basil immediately recognized Hero's voice from the other side of the kids. He looked at his raised hand, looking between the other kids feet, trying to figure out the path to him.

"Alright. You'll talk with Coach Burke, then. All the boys can go to the right gym, and all the girls can come with me." Basil froze. What. Where... where would he go? Boys? Girls? He was a boy.

What if they didn't think that? That girl, Kim, thought he was a girl. Sunny's dad thought he was a girl. Rai thought he was a girl. He didn't know what to do. He... he was lost. Basil blinked and realized that everyone was almost gone. He saw Hero towards the right, making him run up, grabbing his arm tightly.

"Oh! Hi, Basil. Didn't expect to see you here, haha..." Basil dug his nails into his arm. He was so relieved. And scared.

"Okay, don't need to do that. You're holding pretty tight." Basil let go, looking down. He left marks.

"I'm sorry. I p-panicked. I don't know where to go." Hero pat his head.

"Well, they said boys over here, right? So, come with me." Basil nodded. Hero was so nice. He didn't deserve a friend like him.

"Th-thank you..." Basil looked around the gym. It was huge. He was scared about the hardwood floors. His old school had carpet, which softened his fall when he would inevitably trip during a game.

"Also, bet you wonder why I'm in here, being an 8th grader." Basil was a bit curious. He glanced up at Hero, smiling.

"Why?"

"I'm actually so unathletic that I had to wait until I was this old just to be even with you guys. I'm... pretty weak." Basil frowned as they walked to a corner of the gym.

"Are you... sick?" Hero shook his head.

"No. I just have asthma, but it's pretty bad. When they originally stuck me in, I pushed myself too hard and almost passed out trying to keep up. So... yeah." He looked embarrassed. Basil reached up, patting his back. Hero was really tall compared to him, so he couldn't reach up far enough to pat his head like Mari and Kel did if he was standing. Hero smiled, patting him back. It cheered Basil up. He wished he had a sibling. Kel was lucky to have him.

"So. You're all new, so I'll explain some stuff. This class is not going to be the same as the ones you took in elementary. We don't just play games and run around. Well, we still do that, just not as often. We focus more on things like stretching, breathing, and endurance. The body. Another key difference is that, with you all getting older, and being boys, we're gonna have to ask you all to change your clothes. You will sweat, and you will get smelly. That goes for the girls too. You don't have to today, since we're not doing anything-" Oh god. He stopped paying attention. Basil had to change in front of people? He couldn't even look at himself. They were a bunch of strangers. Teenage boys. Older than him.

What if one of them decided that they wanted Basil to do things? Bad things? He was too young. He was too weak. He was too scared. They could hurt him. He felt their eyes staring at him through the back of their heads, even as they walked through into the locker room. They weren't bathrooms. He wouldn't feel safe hiding in them anymore. All eyes would be on him.

"Before we go over anymore, I'll do attendance." Basil didn't care. He was too stressed out. So many things could go wrong. Why would they do that? Make him change in front of others? Awful. It was awful. He didn't want to think about that. He grabbed at his wrist.

They would see the scars. He covered the one on his wrist with a bracelet. His underwear didn't go low enough. His shorts covered them, but if he had to change...

He had to get out of this class. Basil couldn't do it. So many things would go wrong; horribly wrong. Basil looked up as Hero said "here". His name was actually Henry? Weird. What did Hero come from? Basil kept his birth name. He was okay with it. His last name was his grandmas, too.

Basil quickly realized his own name wasn't called.

They put him on the girls list.

That pushed him over. He looked around at the boys as they went though the list. They were at O. He slowly stepped to the side until he was back in the hallway, safely out of the locker room. He glanced out into the gym. Empty. He quickly ran out into the main hallway, hearing the things in his backpack clank around. Basil glanced between the two bathroom signs. He had to pick.

Male or female.

Blue or red.

He heard a sink run, making him jump. He walked closer to the water fountain in the middle, running it as someone walked out. She came out of the girls bathroom. Basil glanced back and forth again. Someone saw him. He didn't want to get in trouble. He'd already been misgendered. It hurt, but he walked into the girls bathroom.

Red.

He went to the end of the stalls. It put more distance between himself and the entrance. More hidden. He needed it. He hung up his backpack on the inside of the door, locking it, before opening the front pouch of his backpack. His pencil bag. He unzipped the front pouch of it, sticking his fingers in carefully, feeling for it. Basil stopped when his fingers brushed against the cardboard.

Basil told himself he wouldn't do it.

It was just a reminder.

It was just if he needed it for protection.

If someone needed help with opening something.

Help cutting fabric.

His grandma refused to buy him scissors, or give his back. So... he snuck in her room last night while she was making dinner, opened the sewing kit in her dresser, and grabbed it. She let her guard down, and Basil took advantage of it.

He pulled out the razor blade, holding it inbetween his fingers. There was an older one in the kit, but it was rusted, so he took the new one. Sharper. Cleaner. Shiny. Basil felt his heart race, just looking at it reflect the bathroom light. It wasn't fear. It was excitement. Something better than panic. Pain. He pulled the thin cardboard glued around it off, putting the brown paper in his backpack before walking to the toilet. He pulled down his shorts, sitting, looking at his scarred thigh.

Just a few. And he would feel better.

Just a few, and the fear would go away.

Just a few, and Basil could face his problems.

He adjusted the blade to sit in his hand, just like in his fantasy in the waiting room. He dug the tip of the blade in, just under the deepest scar. His breathing picked up. Blood. He'd see it, feel the pain, and it would be over. He would be able to think again. Basil smiled, but stopped, lifting it up. A small indentation was left in his skin, but it didn't bleed.

It was scarier. Last time he was disassociated, as Lindsey said. He didn’t second guess the sharpness of the knife. This blade was extremely sharp; significantly more than the knife. He needed to be careful to not go too deep. He didn't want to die or end up in the hospital. He just wanted the fear to go away.

He put it back, but just so it was barely grazing the surface of his skin. Basil slid the blade, feeling it sting. A small red line appeared, quickly beading with blood. Not too deep. It was easier, though. Should he go deeper, or do more? Deeper meant more visible scars. Lighter meant they could be layered with less problems.

He thought back. He wanted to do a picture. With his eyes closed, he only could think about Mincy's sunflower. The eye stared into him at that time. He would have his own eye, watching his back when he couldn't. His left hadn't been touched yet. He hovered the blade over, but stopped.

Basil needed to draw it first. He only had one real chance to cut it cleanly. His hand moved back to his other thigh. He tilted the blade almost perpendicular, using his other hand to pull his skin taught. He needed it deep. Basil dug the blade in, closing his eyes before quickly pulling it to the side. He wanted the surprise. It stung, badly, making a ripping noise. He sighed in relief before opening his eyes and looking. It scared him, but he forced himself to stay calm. The second white layer of his skin showing through. Dermis? Hypodermis? Or was it fat? He didn’t know. The fear was replaced by curiosity. There were a couple yellow beads peaking through. That was fat. It was deep. He waited and watched as it filled with blood. He used his left hand to get the blood spilling out before it dripped onto the floor. He rubbed it between his fingers. Smooth. It was so vibrant and beautiful.

...

He wanted more blood. More cuts. More blood. More pain. He brought it down again, above the new one, sliding slowly. It wasn't as deep. He moved up, doing it again, tilting the blade. Decent. Again. Too light. Again. Again... Again. He closed his eyes. He didn’t need to see. He went until he was satisfied, tilting his head to the ceiling.

His head was cleared. He didn't bother counting like last time, looking. Some of them layered and crossed over closely, anyways. He couldn’t if he wanted to. Basil wiped the blade off with some toilet paper before moving to clean up his leg. There was a decent sized pool of blood on the floor, around 4 inches wide. Little splatters sat around it. Basil was amazed by it. That was in him? It was shiny and pretty. When he looked at himself, all he saw was pale skin and tiny flaws he knew other people wouldn’t notice, but he did. He looked back at the cuts on his leg. They would make amazing scars. Tiger stripes. Battle wounds.

Visible proof of his internal damage.

He wouldn't have to explain how messed up he was like this. He could just lift up the fabric, and say "I did this" and they would immediately understand. No therapy. No hard talks. Just one smooth motion, and he wouldn't have to talk anymore.

Basil froze as he heard footsteps approaching. He was still in the euphoria of it. He didn't want it to end yet. He wanted to stick his hands in the blood and wipe it all over the walls, like a crime scene. Draw pretty pictures as blood continued to seep out of his wounds. Someone normal would see it if he did. They'd be forced to report him. He needed to be in a mental hospital. He knew it. This wasn't normal. He couldn't do that, but he wanted to. His heart was racing just a bit more than usual, and he felt pleasantly lightheaded. Cleared. He felt calm. Relaxed, but energetic.

"Can you... go away? I... I'm pooping." He felt childish saying that, but he still didn't want to be caught doing this. Most people wouldn't want to be in a public bathroom while someone was doing that.

"Basil?"

Fuck.

"Mari?"

Chapter Text

Basil didn't know what to do. Mari was here. He looked down as another drop of blood dripped down. He didn't bring any bandages. He didn't know what to do.

"I... sorry if I'm interrupting you, but, I kinda need to use the stall your in. It's hard to walk with it, especially since the other ones close inwards. I won't force you or anything, but... it would be nice if you could hurry up a little, haha..." Basil felt bad. He was selfish. Because of what he did, Mari was suffering. He'd have to clean everything before she got in. She couldn't know.

"I'll try. Just... it might take awhile." Basil looked around, trying to figure out what to do. Stopping the bleeding first would be a good idea. He took more paper, folding it up and pressing it against the cuts, before wiping the trail. Crap. He waited too long. It dried on his skin, turning a reddish brown, sticking in flakes. He wiped up. Parts of the toilet paper stuck to his skin, including the inside of the cuts. Crap. He couldn't handle this. Blood was sticky? Weird. He needed help. He picked out the pieces before holding it just under the cuts. What would Mari think? Seeing this?

"Also, while we're in here, can I talk to you about something?" Basil stood, keeping the paper against his leg, blade still in hand. He wished Mari didn't interrupt him. He wished his grandma didn't. Things would have gone a lot smoother.

"U-um, yeah... what's up?" He looked at his backpack. What could he use? The paper of his notebook would be too crinkly to absorb blood. Nothing else would work. Pencils weren't helpful. What should he do? What should he do?

"I... it was about what I talked to you about on Sunday. Just... one brief part. I went to the library and looked up a bit." What?

"W-What?" Was it the stalking part? Something about his tulip? Or therapy? Basil always did something wrong. His hands, maybe? He couldn't see the marks at all anymore. He looked past them. Couldn't overthink it. His leg was still bleeding. He hobbled over to his backpack, leaving his shorts on the floor, looking through his stuff. He also had his lunch, but one small napkin wasn't enough for how much he was bleeding. How would it even stay up? The bandages kept slipping and twisting around his leg during the week. He didn’t even have those now.

"You didn't really talk to much about it, but you said you were diagnosed with... bipolar disorder, right? I was just... I'm worried about you. You said you had problems with depression, but... there were a lot of worse symptoms listed." Yeah, they were worse. Even worse than what the diagnosis was. He lied a lot. It wasn’t even accurate, was it? He felt around, finally finding something he could use. A white handkerchief. Basil was sick of his grandma's dusty tissues, so she got it for his nose instead. He tended to have fall allergies, so it was a good thing to have. Especially now. He pulled it out, wiping off the blade again. The stress of cleaning everything up made him want to cut all over again. Doing this when he was in the bath would be a better idea.

"Yeah. What about it?" Basil walked back to the toilet, putting the blade down on the toilet paper holder, lifting up the paper on his thigh. It had mostly stopped bleeding. He looked at his cuts again. Pretty...

"I'm... I just... maybe I'm wrong, but, you had some bandages on your leg on Sunday, and... there was also some bruising on your neck. I... noticed when we were at Gino's. Are you... okay?" Basil stopped, tying the folded handkerchief around his leg. She noticed his neck? He thought it was covered well enough. He should just say what he told Aubrey.

"I just tripped. We're working on it." Basil just needed to get the blood off the floor, now, and he could leave. He pulled his shorts back on. Why did he have to wear tan, of all colors? He'd have to watch it. He stuck some paper between his leg and the piece of fabric, inhaling as it rubbed into the tissue of his leg. It stung. Ow, ow, ow...

"If... you say so. I also... I think I saw some blood on your shorts. When we were in our backyard. I think you're lying to me, Basil." Basil slid the toilet paper through the blood, expecting it to soak up, but was surprised when it wasn't a liquid. Part of it was like a jelly. It had clotted. Really? Just in a couple minutes? He knew blood did that, but he expected it to take hours because of the amount. Annoying. He grabbed at the clotted part with the paper, throwing it into the toilet. He grabbed more paper, wiping up the liquid blood. He did it repeatedly until it was gone, seeing some dried to the floor from the edge of the puddle, trying again with a fresh piece. Didn't come up. He got another piece, licking it before trying to wipe up the blood splatter that dried on the floor. It wouldn't come up. He scrubbed at it. It was going slow. Ugh.

"...everything is okay." He wiped a few more times. There were some small dots left, but the floor was already dirty. No one would notice. Mari sighed.

"I know you are. You're not stuttering anymore, and you've been walking around in there. What are you doing? Are you... are you hurting yourself? Drugs? What is it? I know it’s something.” God. Why did Mari have to be so smart?

"I'm just using the bathroom. I said, I'm not-" Basil jumped, hearing Mari pull at the door. He locked it. He was glad he did. He just needed to flush it. If there was no evidence, she couldn't report him or anything. She wouldn't be able to look at his leg without him letting her.

"Basil, let me in. I'm scared you're doing something bad." Crap. He still had the blade out. He quickly grabbed it. The edge grazed his finger, making him drop it in fear. Hell. He pulled his hand up, putting his finger in his mouth as it started to bleed. Basil turned, hearing something behind him.

"MARI! W-what-" She was really crawling under the door. What if Basil actually was using the bathroom? Mari was weird, as nice as she was. He looked back. He didn't flush the toilet. He reached out, pushing the handle down. Blood dripped from his finger near the original blood splatter as the toilet flushed. Crap-

"AHA! I knew you were doing something-" Mari’s playful expression dropped, seeing the blood on his hand. Basil looked down at it too.

"I was... right. I was hoping I wasn't." Basil just sighed, grabbing more paper for his hand. He used a lot of the roll. He needed to get bandages.

"I just... I didn't do anything. This was an accident." He lifted his finger up. Mari shook her head. Basil looked at her boot. That must suck, walking around like that on the first day of school. What did Basil have to complain about? Not having friends? He had friends. He had a grandmother who loved him unconditionally. He had food, shelter, and water. His body was perfectly healthy. He had everything he needed. Nothing was wrong with him except his brain. He was his brain. His mind was him. Not his body, not his chromosomes, not his belongings.

"I understand. Just... we're all here for you, alright?" He looked at the floor, then at his leg.

"But... you aren't. You can't be. I don't know what's wrong with me." Basil didn't. When he was around people, he was sweet, innocent, and kind. Whenever he was alone, there was no need to do that, so he stopped. He didn't know why.;why he still did this. Why he had to cut himself this time, instead of just crying when he was upset like before. He knew he liked it, but why did he like it?

"I don't understand what it's like to be bipolar, obviously, but when you get overwhelmed, you need to get help instead of... this." Mari walked over to him. She took his hand, still bleeding. She wouldn't believe his lies. Basil was frozen again. He didn't want to scare her off, and he didn't want to get found out again, so he stayed put.

"Is your arm okay? I don't... hm." He turned his wrist over. Nope. Not there. Just a bracelet, covering the one cut. Basil was smart. He knew that, despite his low self esteem. He wouldn't do it in such an obvious place again. He wouldn't get caught again. He just needed to do it when no one was around and he had everything to take care of it. There was no risk if he just cleaned himself up and didn't go too deep. Just left some scars. It wasn't bad. It couldn't be. He needed it.

"I... sorry. I overreacted. I was wrong. I just... the book I read said scary things. And you're really young, so I... I wanted to talk to you sooner. Aubrey told me you were going to be here this year, but... I was nervous, and I didn't see you, so..." Basil just looked down. He wanted to leave.

"I think I know what happened the day before, and the day after we met. It's scary to talk about, but I want to. For both of us. I- oh my gosh... Basil-" Basil looked up, seeing where her eyes were looking. He left the blade out. He needed it. That was the only thing he had that was sharp enough. The knife only did two deep cuts, and his grandma wouldn't let him use them anymore. She knew. He could lie, and hide his leg, but the blade was physical proof. She could bring it to the counselor. She could bring it to the cops. Mari loosened her grasp on his hand, but he reached out before she could do anything, grabbing it and holding it in his palm loosely. He wanted out of here. Bad.

"I... don't know what to say." He sighed.

"No one ever does. So I will. Yes, I was cutting myself. No, I wasn’t going to kill myself. I tried before, but it wasn't serious, I just messed up a bit. I'm fine." He adjusted the paper on his hand, putting the blade in his short pocket. His finger throbbed as it tried to stop itself from bleeding. Annoying. If she just showed up later, this would have been easier.

"Basil, I- I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were hurting so badly." Mari leaned down, hugging him. He didn't want someone to feel sorry for him. He wanted someone to love him. Sunny wouldn't do that anymore. She’d tell him. Basil knew he wasn’t good enough. He was just damaged scraps. He didn't hug her back.

"I... I know we've only known each other for a little while, but... you're already like a little brother to me. I don't want anything to happen to you. Please... if you need help, talk to me. I'll give you our number. I'll let you come over. Heck, I'll even ask my dad to give you a key. I just... I don't want you to hurt yourself again. I don't want anything to happen to you." A key? Hm. He heard Mari sniffle, feeling her body shake against him. Brother. He was in the girls bathroom, but she still said the... correct word. Brother. Basil felt his expression change, tears welling up in his eyes. Mari loved him. He was capable of being loved, even if he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve anything. He... he still wanted it. His hands moved up, wrapping around her back. He moved his head into her shoulder. Her hair was so soft. It smelled good. She was so warm. He was selfish. He didn't deserve this.

"I... I don't w-want this either. I want to be okay. I just... I don't know how." Mari pulled back, putting her hands on his shoulders, wiping her eyes with her cardigan.

"I don't know right now, but... I'm concerned. That type of blade... I've seen my dad use those to get glue off of things. They're really sharp. I didn't... I don't see anything." Mari grabbed his other wrist, looking.

"I... not there." She tilted her head, looking him over. Basil walked back, pulling up the shorts. He untied the handkerchief, pulling it away. Ah... he still thought they were pretty. The red was so bright against his skin. He was always extremely pale. The sun always burnt him on the couple occasions he tried to wear a tank top during the summers. Mari just looked. She looked horrified. Good. She'd know. She'd realize Basil couldn't be saved, leave, and he could do his other leg before lunch. If no one was in his life, he could do this as much as he wanted.

"I- Jesus christ... Hero's depression never caused him to do this... that must be the mania part of it. We need to get you to the nurse. Those look bad, to say the least." Basil shrugged. He didn’t feel manic, but then again, he’d only really experienced it once. Cutting gave him a high he was still slightly in, but he didn’t really feel jittery or talkative. Less anxious, and compulsive, but that was about it.

"If you do that, they'll send me away to a mental hospital." Mari sighed.

"I don't want that."

"I don't want that either." Basil needed his freedom. Mari closed her eyes, thinking.

"I'll just... let's go get some paper towels. I'm so worried that I don't need to pee anymore." Basil almost laughed.

"Sorry." Mari pat his head.

"It's okay. But... please don't do this again. I don't want something bad to happen to you." Basil sighed back, Mari moving her hand away, before walking to grab his bag. He wanted to put the blade back in it, but was scared if Mari saw it, she'd take it. He wanted to get better, long term, but right now, he didn't care. It was there for when he couldn't handle things.

"Nothing will. Also, I'm skipping my class right now." He grabbed the backpack, putting it over his shoulder. The handkerchief and blade was still in his hand. Anyone coming in at the moment would be awful.

"It's the first day, which is bad, but you're more important. Also, I'm not gonna question why you're in the girls bathroom, but there's more important things going on." Basil looked down. He wished he didn't go in this bathroom, but he was glad Mari was here. He was glad she didn't get mad.

"I was scared I'd be in trouble if I went in the boys." Mari shuffled over, holding his wrist loosely.

"It's okay for you to. I know from how you are that you're a boy. If you get in trouble, I'll fight anyone that tries to bully you." She did? Basil cried, liked flowers and cute things, and also dressed cutesy. He had a flower in his hair all the time. He didn't say anything. He didn't want to make her doubt it. He was a boy.

-

They stayed silent for a bit. It wasn't the best, but Mari helped Basil clean up his leg better. She moved the handkerchief around to hold up a paper towel above the area where he did it. The process felt eerily similar to when Basil's grandma wrapped him up, but at least it wouldn't burn again.

His grandma...

He should tell her.

Basil didn't want to. It would be worse.

He wouldn't be able to do this again.

He didn’t want to stop. There was no real reason to. He knew the depth he could go, the amount of blood he could lose, and would be careful to not hit anything. They had anatomy books he could look at in the library. Basil knew what he was doing. Wait for it to stop bleeding, wipe it off, and cover it. Change the gauze every day and clean it again. Repeat until healed. Don’t mess with the scabs. It would be okay. He could put so many cool things into his skin. How was it worse than tattoos? He was young, but if he liked it and he didn’t end up in the hospital, what was the problem?

If Mari didn’t know, it wouldn’t hurt her. If his grandma didn’t know, it wouldn’t matter. If Sunny didn’t know, it wouldn’t matter. Basil could lie. It was getting a lot easier.

He immediately decided he wouldn't tell either of them again.

"Alright, just... don't mess with it. I'll come to your house a bit after school to check it again. If you need me before then, just come over." Basil nodded, before thinking. How much longer was this class? He couldn't go back. He couldn't go home, either.

"Mari... I don't think I can stay h-here." Mari shook her head.

"You can do it. I believe in you. Tomorrow is another day, right?" He looked away. Tomorrow was so far. There was so much to do. He still had 6 classes to go through; 2 before lunch. He also would get in trouble for skipping gym.

"I meant... I think I'm not ready to be in middle school. It's too... big. Too scary. Too crowded. Just... too much." He saw Mari cross her arms.

"Well... obviously, if you reacted how you did, it was too much. You're really smart, Basil. I know that. But, if you think leaving will help, do it. I'm not your mom or anything, but I can give you advice if you need it. I can help you talk to your grandma, if you need me too. She's sweet, but she's kinda stubborn." Definitely, she was. Basil glanced up at Mari's hair. He was too scared to look at her face. It was so long and pretty. It... it was familiar. He looked at the counter with the blade on it.

"I... the blade, I..." I want it. He couldn't say it.

"I'm taking it. I... it might be mean to take your things, but I don't want you to have it and make things worse. I'm sure you understand why." Basil sighed.

"Yeah. Sucks, though. I only got to use it once." Mari raised her eyebrows, but didn't comment on it. She moved to grab a paper towel before wrapping the blade up in it. Hm. It wasn't that dangerous, right? Basil wasn't even scared of it, really. He just messed up when he got his finger.

"Where'd you get it?" Basil rubbed his arm nervously.

"I... uh... my grandma had it. I stole it." Mari sighed.

"Basil, you shouldn't steal things. For any reason. You can get in trouble. If that's the case, I'll let you keep it, but you need to put it back. I'm not gonna force you to tell her, like I said, but... it might be for the best. You said you were going on meds, right? Are they helping?" He shrugged.

"A bit. I keep... getting dizzy, and... forgetting things. Especially after I go to bed and wake up. Like... I don't remember what I had for dinner yesterday. Or the days before." Mari looked at him with an eyebrow raised, holding the blade up.

"And this? Why?" Basil glanced up.

"I... don't know. I can't control myself. My... my therapist knows. My grandma also knows, about the first time, but... that... that's it." Mari put the blade back down on the counter, looking at it.

"I... okay. Here's what we're gonna do. Your therapist, I don't know what they're like, but if they're not helping, then they're not. Seeing someone who knows you better would help more. I'm not trained or anything, but you can talk to me, too." Basil looked away again.

"I don't want to be a burden to you. She's meant for me to talk to about it. It's... a lot." Mari grabbed his shoulders.

"Basil. Look at me. You will never be a burden to me. Your problems are valid, and I care about you." Basil felt tears coming to his eyes. He blinked them away. Mari put her hand under his chin. He kept looking at her hair, her shirt, her chin... he couldn't look at her eyes.

"I mean it. Look at me." Basil glanced up. Mari was still smiling at him. He smiled back as the tears overflowed and dripped down. It was scary, but he kept the eye contact, even if her face blurred.

"Me, and the rest of our group... we all care about you. We all love you. We'll help you through this." He sniffled, looking down at his tears as they hit the floor.

"I... I l-love you too..." Mari pulled him into another hug. Basil gripped at her shirt and hair. A loving older sister. A boy he loved deeply. His friend that always cheered him up. A fun boy that always exuded positivity. An older boy that would always protect him. It was everything that he ever wanted.

"Thank you..."

Chapter Text

Basil didn't go back to class. He couldn't. Mari stayed with him, mostly in silence, for a bit longer before she went back to her class. He waited outside against the brick of the gym, hearing the shoes and noises of the class running around inside, squeaking on the floor and yelling as they played a game Basil didn't understand. He got nervous as a few teachers and students walked past, but they didn't question him sitting there. He was glad. They wouldn't see how red his eyes were from crying.

Basil jumped up as the bell finally rang, moving to leave as fast as possible. He knew where his next class was, but still didn't want to go.

He had to.

And he did.

Did he pay attention? Of course not. He forced himself to space out, staying silent, up until he had to leave his final class.

The day was over. Finally. Him and his grandma had made the plan for Basil to wait at the back of the school parking lot until most of the cars left, so she could pick him up without being in traffic. It took longer, but she was scared of driving so close to other cars, since she didn't have the best eyes and refused to get glasses. He sat on the curb in the back parking lot, just for teachers. No one was around, but there were a lot of cars on the street nearby. He glanced around before pulling his shorts up, looking at the smaller cuts that weren't covered by the paper towel.

What's wrong with him? He was 10. Only 10. The girl he met in the office, Mincy, had to be at least 14. Probably older. She had real problems. So why was he doing this? He wasn't even manic anymore. That was the explanation for last time, but now? No clue. He felt useless. His grandma would be better off if he hung himself properly. Basil sighed. He shouldn't think that way.

He thought back. His head was fuzzy from his meds. It was hard. He couldn't remember as well since he started them. He'd lost a couple things, too. Last week, Basil had gone into the therapist office, manic. He saw Mincy and that flower. He went in. He met Lindsey. Then... he said he was trans... then...

Basil didn't remember, but he knew it was scary. He went over his suicide attempt. In his mind, it still didn't feel like one. But... then he talked about Sunny. After that was the diagnosis. What was the first question again? Something... something scary. He couldn't remember. It was bad. Then they did his diagnosis before they ran out of time. He remembered Lindsey doing something, then saying something. R... trauma. Trauma? He... his parents. Trauma. Depressed. No. Repressed. Repressed trauma. Having to do with his parents.

He hugged his legs to his chest, feeling his skin pull again. Basil didn't want to think about that. He couldn't remember their faces. He didn't want to remember their faces. All that was left were vague feelings of textures and blurs of colors, along with feelings of intense anger, pain, and fear. Basil knew they forced him to dress like a girl, which scared him and made his dysphoria worse throughout the years. But that wasn't enough for him to be messed up like this. He knew that wasn't all there was to this. He thought hard about it, squeezing his eyes shut. The trees, Mari's hair, the fear of the bath, eyes watching him... being vulnerable, showing weakness, the snow... a bad painting on the bathroom wall, a bright tv in the dark... eyes... in the cold and dark. Eyes, always on him. Something dark around him. A mouth. Eyes. Something, always watching. Always listening. Always trying to consume him.

Always trying to hurt him.

Large and brooding.

Tall.

Basil felt his chest slowly tighten. He was panicking. He knew he was panicking. He forced himself to stop thinking, opening his eyes. The trees lining the street scared him, distorted with blurs of static black webs, covering the branches. The cars in the parking lot weren't doing anything. They just blurred into colors. Red, blue, white, and silver. It wasn't working. He needed it. He moved his hand down to his leg, digging the fabric of the handkerchief into his cuts. He winced a bit, but closed his eyes. Dark. It was always in the dark. That's when it would happen. Something... something bad. His eyes opened before they filled with tears again. He hugged his arms around himself, slumping farther to the ground.

It was too scary.

Basil didn't want to remember anymore. It was too much. He sobbed, looking at his leg again. He had to do it. He looked around again, blinking tears away. Those cars were far enough away. If he did only a couple, his current bandage would be enough. Basil grabbed the pencil bag again, unzipping it. He needed this. It was the only thing that helped. The only thing that worked. He grabbed the blade-

Basil jumped up as a red car honked in front of him. He looked up. It was his grandma. She was here. His hand was still in the bag. He sighed, letting go of it, pulling his hand out as she rolled down her window. She was far enough to not see his tears. He was still anxious, but now he couldn't do that, even though he wanted to. He could talk to her. That's what he needed to do from now on.

"Hey sweetie! Get in." Basil sighed, standing up and zipping up his bag. He checked his leg. No blood. He was fine. He walked over to the window, feeling his leg sting and pull. He was familiar with the feeling at this point. He sniffled as his grandma looked him over.

"That good, huh?" Basil felt his mouth wobble.

"I hated it. Grandma, I..." He dropped his bag on the ground, standing on his tiptoes, reaching through the window and hugging her. Basil sobbed into her shoulder as she hugged back. She stayed quiet, which Basil was thankful for, as she rubbed his back. He needed it. He was so stressed and tired of everything. Basil slowly steadied his breathing after a minute, pulling back.

"It's okay, Basil. I know things have been hard. We'll talk about it if that's what you need, and if it isn't, we'll figure it out, okay? But we need to get going." He nodded, sniffling again.

"Okay..."

-

The drive was quiet, once again. Basil sighed after he got inside the house, plopping face down onto the couch. His leg hurt, but he ignored it. He'd change his shorts to something black once he could. He didn't care if they bled through, just as long as it wasn't visible. His grandma was making tea, like usual, at this time of day. It was regular for them to drink tea and relax, usually in silence. He was thankful for it today. She came back, setting his down next to him. Made just how he liked it. Basil sat up, relieved.

"So... let's talk about it. What happened today?" Basil took a deep breath, grabbing his cup. No blood on his shorts, still.

"A lot. I... ugh. I don't know where to s-start." He sipped the tea. Perfect. Just how he liked it. He smiled at it.

"Well, how about your first class?" Basil looked at the floor.

"Mm... it... a girl made fun of my s-stutter. It really hurt. She called me a-a girl, too. It really hurt." His grandma sighed.

"I'm sorry about that. Older kids can be pretty mean. Maybe you should see about getting your class switched. It's new, and I know it's scary, but it's better to get it done now." Basil nodded.

"Yeah. But... there's another thing. My um... I have a gym class, a-and... we're supposed to change ours clothes. I'm scared to do it." Basil looked up at her.

"They'll either put me with the boys or with the g-girls. The girls feel wrong, and the boys are scary. E-Either way, I..." His head slumped. He looked down at his legs. His grandma sighed, taking a sip of her tea.

"I was worried about that, too. I didn’t know if they would. They made us do that too, when we were younger, but... it's not the same for you, and I know that. We should look at getting that moved, too." Basil shook his head. She didn't mention his scars. He was glad about that.

"No. Grandma... I don't think I'm ready to be in m-middle school. I... I miss my friends. I was so scared... I felt so alone. I can't... I can't be alone like that a-again. I... I'll..." Basil looked down at his legs. He still wanted to do it. Again and again. Not even to get rid of the stress. He just had the urge to see his skin spill out blood, over and over. It was fun. It was pretty. Satisfying. It was something to do other than think.

"I... guess it can't be helped. I'll call the school about it in a bit to see if you can transfer back. I'm sorry it was so bad for you. Is there... anything you want to do? To cheer you up? The last time something bad like this happened, I assumed you were fine, then just a couple minutes later I found you in the kitchen with blood all over you." There already was blood all over him. She just didn't know this time.

"I... hm. Not really..." Nothing would ever truly make him feel better. Sitting in bed, tea, gardening, reading... it only did so much. But... he still liked doing things for others. If he couldn't be happy, he could at least be useful. He remembered that time in the car. Flowers, for everyone. Tulips for his tulip. For Sunny. Basil smiled.

"Think of something?" He nodded.

"Yeah... I... I want to buy some stuff. I had an idea... to grow flowers for everyone. L-Like... it..." Basil looked away after seeing her expression.

"It's stupid. I'm sorry, I know we don't have a lot of money... we don't h-have to-" His grandma shook her head. Basil's eyes watered, regardless.

"No. It's not a stupid idea. Flowers have a lot of symbolism. You know how it is with one of my favorites... egret orchids. If you want to do that, I support it. We can go to the store in a bit." Basil looked down into his tea. His grandma was so supportive. He needed to talk to her more. It was just... hard now.

"If... if you say it's okay."

-

Basil hummed happily, walking with his grandma. It was a little song he made up awhile ago. He always hummed it when he was happy, and thankfully, today was now one of those days. It wasn't, for awhile, but things would get better.

Basil loved Fix-it. It was one of the few places he felt completely relaxed in. The bright lights in the furniture and hardware section were only a slight hindrance before he got to his favorite area: the garden center. He ran ahead of his grandma as she dragged a red folding cart behind him. He used to ride in it when they used to go to the zoo, but walking around in the heat for so long made her too sick, at least in the summer. He stood, looking up at the main shelf full of seeds. He immediately went alphabetically. Aster, bluebells, hydrangea, peonies, tiger lily, tithonia... where were the tulips? Basil looked down sadly. They'd have to go somewhere else to find them. Sad... Basil didn't like being in the car. Grandma didn't either. He shouldn't have come here. She came over, patting his back.

"What's up?" Basil looked up at her.

"I can't find the t-tulips..." She laughed a little.

"Oh, Basil, they usually don't sell seeds for them. Well... some places do, but growing tulips from seeds takes years. Up to 7, even!" Basil looked at the shelf closer. The top one had some. He stood on his tiptoes and grabbed them.

"I'm willing to take that long. Just... w-wow. 7 years?" Would Basil last that long? 17. They'd bloom when he was a teenager. Almost an adult. Keeping them going for that long had to mean something, right? He'd do it. For Sunny. Maybe... a prom gift? Prom was a fancy dance older highschoolers had. Basil saw some of them taking pictures at the fountain just a bit after his birthday last year. Ah, him and Sunny in suits... their flowers in their hair, matching ties. So fancy. Dancing... laughing... celebrating the end of the night with a passionate kiss.

"Well... we can, but I'm sure you want to give something to someone sooner, right?" She smiled a bit more than usual. Basil laughed nervously. He did. He wished he started the flowers a lot sooner.

"Y-yeah... I think I'll do both, if that's okay. I have to get a couple more things over here, though." Basil looked at the T section again. Skimmed back a few. Aha! Sunflowers. They already had some growing, in the backyard, but Basil wanted to start fresh. Hm... what next? S was close enough to R. He grabbed mixed colors of roses, hearing his grandma walk off.

She usually picked out the pots for Basil, since she liked having a specific look to everything in the garden. There were a lot of strange things, like clay birds, metal art, and beads hanging around. Made picking colors himself hard. Hero wasn't any color of rose. Maybe... blue? No, that was just the energy he had. They'd be harder to deal with anyways, and would only be blue after being cut. Classic red it is, then. L. God, there were so many types of lilies. There it was. Lily of the valley. Only came in white. That was what he wanted, anyways. Okay, just had to get Kel and Aubrey's. What kind of cactus should he get for Kel? He wasn't an intense spiked one, that was for sure. Kel was soft and gullible and silly. One of those round ones, with the soft spikes. Friendly. He looked for one with the picture that looked right. C. Now G. Gladiolus.

Aubrey.

Basil was having a lot of weird, mixed, and unpleasant feelings about her lately. He didn't like that she had such an obvious crush on Sunny. She didn't seem as fun anymore. Less interesting. Basil knew almost everything about her, minus her parents. He just... she made him so mad. He didn't need to ask about Sunny to know she had a crush on him, even if they’d only hung out a couple times. He hated the way she brushed her hand against and grabbed his arm, pulling him before he was even ready to go, asking him to look at a flower he hadn't seen, to figure out what it was. Basil could identify it, easy. She just wanted to make him feel smart. He was, but it was to brush up his ego so Sunny would like her. It wouldn't work. Sunny had to know he was smart. He didn't need her complimenting him to know that. He hated how she seemed to look at Sunny for just a bit too long to be innocent, how she rubbed her face on Sunny's arm, relaxing on him. Basil hadn't even hugged him or touched him yet. The only physical contact was when his hair brushed his face that one time, and when their legs touched at Gino's.

Basil had to hold back from him. He was scared not to. He already went too far, on a couple occasions, and was a bit too infatuated with learning about him. He was so excited to learn that Sunny's favorite food was steak. It wasn't Basil's favorite, since it was a bit heavy for his stomach, but he'd eat it if that's what Sunny wanted. He'd do anything for him. Sunny was like a drug to Basil. If he got too close too quick, he'd only want him, so he distanced himself a bit. If it were up to Basil, he'd do nothing but sit with him, drinking tea in comfortable silence, reading books and relaxing, before snuggling up in bed together under a fluffy blanket after a long day. Nothing else would ever be good enough. That was all he wanted.

Basil was happy he kept his boundaries, for the most part. But... Aubrey didn't do that. Aubrey didn't respect him. Aubrey didn't love him, not like Basil did. She didn't stay up all night, working on drawings just to make him happy. She didn't think about him to calm herself; his beauty was enough for Basil to get over panic attacks. She didn't make sure he got home safely, watching and being there just in case something bad happened, ready to defend and fight whoever came near. She didn't want to learn everything about him, inside and out.

Aubrey didn't care about knowing his exact time of birth, where Sunny was from before he came to Faraway, what his old house looked like, what every outfit he owned looked like on him, what his opinion was on every single thing Basil could think of, seeing every emotion of his, knowing how he slept, what detergent he used so Basil could have his smell, what he dreamed about, what he read, what he ate, what he thought about, how he sat, walked, lived, breathed... Basil would love every part of him. Aubrey only liked him because he was a cute boy. He was quiet, and calm, and easy for her.

Basil looked at the seeds. Everything was blurry. His heart was racing and his legs were wobbly. He needed to do something instead of thinking about this, but he couldn't help it. Basil didn't care about stopping these thoughts. Sure, they made him mad, but thinking about how he was the only one truly made for Sunny made him euphoric, in a way. Not quite manic, but better than normal.

Basil kind thought that Aubrey had a crush on him for awhile, since he was the only boy she knew, but he was always too feminine for that to be possible. Aubrey only liked boys, and Basil knew that. Basil didn't know what he liked. Sunny was his first crush. He knew he was a boy too, but he felt like he didn't count. Maybe... maybe Basil could push her away from Sunny, so he wasn't an option anymore.

Just a bit of pushing and lying to her about how awful Sunny was, how he was quiet and awkward like Basil, would convince her that she didn't want him. That there was better out there for her. Basil didn't have any information on anything bad that Sunny could have done. Anything bad was just what the world said, anyways. Sunny could never do anything wrong. He was sweet, timid, and understanding, even if he barely talked. If he did, he'd have a good reason. He was a good person. Basil could tell from the way that he'd waited for a bug to walk out of his way before continuing, just so he wouldn't accidentally hurt it. He could have moved it, stepped around it, but he was nice enough to wait and treated such a small creature with respect. That was amazing. He was amazing. How he would watch carefully and pay attention, making sure everyone was heard, even if he stayed quiet. Basil could tell. He knew. He was the only one Basil had met that was also like that. Like himself.

Basil just had to push her onto someone else. She wasn't right for Sunny. Basil was. Hero was too old, obviously, and Mari liked him. They'd work well together. He wanted to keep their group small. That left one option.

Kel was sweet. Kel was nice and outgoing. Why would she want someone as shy and quiet as Sunny? Someone like Basil? Kel was the better option for her. They only fought as a joke; as a way to have fun. Basil knew that, because they never continued or escalated too far. It never got physical, just playful bickering. They could work together. He could have Sunny. He should have Sunny. Basil never truly asked for anything in his entire life. Maybe small things, like tea or food, but he never wanted anything big. He should get this one thing. He deserved Sunny. He had to have Sunny. He reached up, grabbing the gladiolus seeds.

Aubrey liked pink, but he got purple ones as well. He was mad at her, but he knew he couldn't shove her away or kick her out of their group. That would make Basil look like a bad person. And, maybe he was, but if he looked bad, Sunny would never want to be with him. Just... keep the act up, make Sunny love him, and they'd be happy. Basil still cared about Aubrey. He just wished she wasn't in the way, because she couldn't be. He looked at the picture on the seeds, taking a few deep breaths.

Enough. He had to get everything ready. His grandma was back, anyways. Basil shook the sadness off, bringing back his smile, turning. She had gotten a few pots. Glass ones. Blue, purple, green... the green was cute and small. Would work for the cactus. The blue one fit Sunny. Maybe purple for... Mari?

"I didn't know what sizes we needed, but I like these." They were pretty.

Basil did, too.

Chapter Text

Basil had all the seeds and pots. Everything he needed. He could do something good for everyone, instead of dragging them down for once. He was happy to no longer be a burden. It was a relief. The sky was getting orange as the afternoon set in. This was always the hottest time of day, but Basil didn't mind the heat. The cold made him sad. He didn't know why, but it always made his depression worse. He still had it during the summer, but the sun and plants outside made everything better, even if he sneezed a lot from them. All he had left to do was to plant everything.

Basil waited for his grandma to come out back so they could get started. He hadn't been out back in awhile, for a quite a few reasons, although r it was mainly just because he was depressed. He walked to the back right corner, near the water pump they had for plants that were too far for their normal hose or watering cans. He smiled, pushing through a bush, heading into the trees. Out here, away from everyone, was one of his favorite spots. Out here, he could sit in the dirt and sun, breathe in the air, and forget everything. He could just pretend to be what he should've been created as. A flower. Pretty, genderless, and without thought. He sat, doing it. The sun on his face felt like the brown center, soft and full of life. His hair felt like the bright yellow petals, tips waving softly in the wind. His arms, the leaves needed to absorb sun, air, and make food for the body. His torso, the stem, his center and strength, full of liquid and essential parts. His feet, roots, keeping him grounded. Basil wanted to be a plant so badly. It was silly and childish, but sitting and pretending out here was one of the few moments of peace he could control in his life. He loved it.

This would be the perfect spot for his tulips. Well, not the bulb ones, but his long term ones. Coming out to water them with their own special can, independent and safe from weeds. Safe, from the other flowers. He could stay here and relax. Keep them safe. Keep Sunny safe. Away from everyone. Just to himself. Basil knew the plants weren't him, but it was what he could get that made him happy. If he didn't think about it this way, he'd lose it. It felt like this new task is what he needed to keep Sunny happy, alive, and in his life. There wasn't anything else he could really do. He pat the ground as he heard the back door squeak, standing up. His skin pulled again. He needed to stop cutting. Flowers don't do that. Just... for the moment, it was easiest to get him through this. He looked at the spot. A voice crept into the back of his head.

Just use Sunny. That's what worked before.

Basil whined in his throat uncomfortably, gripping the hem of his shorts. It was how it was with the bunnies. Unwanted thoughts. He changed his shorts to some loose black ones, after getting a new gauze from the bathroom cabinet. He didn't like that voice in the back of his head that wanted to be with him all the time, but he always listened to it. He'd have to find something physical that he could have with him as a reminder. Sunny needed to give it to him, or he had to take it from his house.

Oh, wait... Mari mentioned something good. Giving him a key. But... that was when he was clearly not okay, and when she was desperate to make him feel better.

If he just repeated it, saying he needed it, she'd believe him. He could see Sunny any time he wanted. He'd just have to show that he wouldn't get better without it. Now would be a good time to start. Basil pushed back through the bush, seeing his grandma digging through their shed.

"Hey, Grandma, is it okay if I invite S-Sunny over? I-if that's okay..." Basil knew now from Mari that his stutter gave his lies away. When he was upset or neutral, he couldn't stop it, but when he was manic or lying, it went away for some reason. Basil didn't understand it. Forcing it felt weird. He knew how it worked, though.

"Yeah, of course. If Aubrey wants to come, I'm sure she'd love to help."

"N-no... that's okay... I saw her yesterday. I'll go get him." Basil didn't. He went to the park and drew Sunny. Over and over. Smiling, frowning, angry... different clothes, sitting, laying, sleeping, jogging... he just copied people at the park but made them look like Sunny. He finally knew how to draw him to the point it satisfied him, even if Basil really just wanted a picture of him to look at. He could never draw him well enough. Ah... Sunny. Just thinking about him made Basil happy.

Basil needed to go get him. He had just been standing in the hallway near his room for a minute, thinking. He paused, like he usually did, looking at the shelf in the middle of the hallway. He reached up, putting his hand on the tilted over photo. Basil did this occasionally. Standing, hand on wood, barely reaching and touching the picture he hadn't seen in years. He knew vaguely what it was. Him, in a fluffy blue dress, held in his fathers arms. He was standing next to his mom, all three of them smiling. Basil was around 4 in that picture. He was already refusing the clothes at that age, but he complied for that picture for some reason.

Basil couldn't remember any traits about himself, other than he had his dad's hair color and his mom's eye color. His parents were more vague. His dad was stern but had a soft spot for Basil. His mom had dark, straight, brown hair and a timid personality. She liked pink, and flowers, just like him and his grandma. That was it. That's all he knew about them. The picture made him upset without even seeing it. He wanted to know, though. Maybe seeing them was bad. Maybe it would make him panic. He could get through panic attacks, just in a destructive manner. He'd try Sunny first, but he had a last resort. He could do this. It was just a picture. He slid it forward, tilting it up, looking and seeing the glass at the top of the picture.

Trees. They were covered with black. He knew it wasn't real. It didn't make it any less scary.

He pulled it further. Basil felt the panic coming, but it quickly changed to fear, hearing a somewhat loud knock at the door. He let go, but the picture started to tilt on the edge of the shelf. He shoved it back up, freezing as some dust flew around. Now was not the time for this. Today was going to be a good day. Basil considered going to get his grandma, but he needed practice with strangers, so he went to the door. He hesitated. He was barely too short to look out the peephole. What if it was the something? That thing with the teeth? What if his dad randomly decided to come back? His mom, maybe? Both? Basil shook his head. He couldn't think about you that. That wasn't real. That wouldn't happen. He cracked open the door, looking out. Basil felt his heart race even more, turning pink. He opened the door wider.

"O-oh! Hi Sunny! What are you doing here? Mari, you too..." Basil glanced at her to avoid looking weird. He couldn't stare too long. Sunny blinked at him in the same was as usual. It felt intentional, like the physical embodiment of human curiosity. It was like saying hello. A cat, purring in curiosity as you approached it. Ah... so cute... Basil couldn't help but stare. He forced himself to look at Mari again. Her face was... kind of similar to Sunny's. Wasn't the same, though. She looked serious.

"Basil, we came to check in on you. I was worried, so I tried to hurry. I said I'd come, didn't I?" Basil held his hands behind his back. She was holding his hand. So sweet. Basil wanted to hold Sunny's hand.

"Oh... right... sorry, I forgot. I was busy. You can come in... b-both of you." He smiled, moving to the side. He was nervous. Still had to force the stutter a bit. Mari knew about it for certain. He only assumed his grandma figured it out. Why'd she bring Sunny? That would make talking honestly harder. Mari shuffled in, Sunny following behind her quickly. Basil shut the door behind them, walking near the table.

"U-um... you two can sit down, I'll m-make tea..." He had to do something with his hands. If he didn't, he'd start screaming. Basil walked to the stove, pouring out the old water from the kettle that had cooled down into the sink, throwing out the tea bags. He was going really fast. He had to so his mind would shut off. Why? Why did she have to bring Sunny of all people? Wouldn't Hero have been better?

"Basil, you don't need to that. Just sit down. It's okay." Basil paused, holding the kettle in front of the sink. It was a standard, metal, gooseneck one. His grandma liked how it poured more than the usual ones. He opened the lid, placing it in the bottom.

"B-but I want to... it's courteous. I don't want to be rude or anything." He turned the sink on, hot, testing it with his hand. Hot. Please. Burn him. Make his mind stop.

"Please. Please just sit down. We need to talk to you." Basil gripped the sink, squeezing his eyes shut. God dammit. He turned the sink off, looking down as the water disappeared into the drain.

"I... o-okay..." He shuffled over, sitting across from both of them, locking his still-wet fingers together. Basil looked at his hands and the table. He couldn't look at either of them. He didn't want their faces to be distorted because of this moment.

"What I said back in the bathroom is still true. I'm here for you. We both are. I just think we need to do something more serious about this whole thing. I didn't talk about it earlier. But... your neck... you said you 'tried before'. It was recent, wasn't it?" Basil hyperventilated quietly. His entire chest felt heavy. Something was surrounding him.

"M-Mari... what are you talking about? We... Sunny is... Sunny's here." Basil glanced up, feeling teeth dig into his stomach. Sunny was looking away, sadly. Basil couldn't think anymore.

"I know." Basil jumped up nervously. Sunny just... talked. The second time he's heard him. The first time he'd talked to him. He knows?

"Know... what?" Mari sighed deeply.

"I talk to my brother, Basil. He saw I was upset and I didn't know what to do. I vented to him about it without saying your name, but he figured it out on his own. He knows about how your cutting, and what I think happened with your neck."

It was over. Everything was over. Basil's life was over. Nothing mattered. There was no way Sunny could ever love him. He smiled, despite the feeling that he was being eaten alive.

"W-Well... I don't know what to say." It didn't matter what he said. Basil was going to kill himself after this. He had to. It was the only way. Should he try to hang himself again or slit his wrists? They didn't own any guns or anything. Oh, what if he took all the poisonous plants in the backyard and drank them as a tea? That would be a good way to go. Sleepy... peaceful... ah... lots of honey and milk. If he died first, he wouldn't feel the dairy destroy his organs.

"Scary..." Basil looked back at his hands. Sunny thought he was scary. There was no point in living. No marks. These things did horrible things. Dismembering himself would be an interesting feat. How much blood would there be? Ah... blood... so pretty... they had a small chainsaw. That would be beautiful. Slicing his arm off. Blood everywhere. He brought his hands up to cover his face. He had to look insane. He was grinning, just imagining it.

"Basil?" It fell. He looked at Mari, expression forced back to blank.

"Yeah?"

"I was just saying... we think that we should tell your grandma. I don't think that it's safe for you to be alone anymore." Basil looked at the small beaded bracelet covering up his first cut. It was one Aubrey gave to him quite awhile ago. He felt too bad throwing away her gifts, even if he was mad at her. They had meaning. He had to keep them. He slid it down, looking at it. Light pink. He just had to go over it a few times and he'd bleed to death. So easy. The idea that he wouldn't have to deal with this was so calming. He wouldn't see Sunny again, but he was already ruined. Tainted by Basil's filth. He was horrible. Basil hated himself. There was no way he'd go into heaven. He'd be fine with demons stabbing hooks into him, pulling him apart, being burned alive repeatedly. Physical pain was better than his own mental anguish.

"Basil? Are you listening?" He wasn't. Everything was blurry. The edge of his vision was surrounded by black tangled webs. Something was eating him alive. He couldn't breathe.

"N-no... I have to go, though. My grandma is out back." Basil stood up quickly. There was that wave of dizziness from his meds. He needed a higher dose. They weren't working. Maybe he should just take an extra half of one before he died. That would make it better. Well... if he was going to, why not take all of them? Maybe they'd make him high. They didn't, normally, but in excess they probably would. That would be nice. He went to take a step, but stumbled, gripping the chair. Walking with this thing around him was hard. It would be gone soon. He heard one of their chairs scoot back. His body felt heavy. A wave of cold rippled under his skin. Was he dying? Basil was gonna let it take him. His expression went blank. That would be easier. It wouldn't seem like his fault if he just suddenly died without explanation.

"Sunny! He's gonna faint!" Oh... that's what it was... Basil let it happen, feeling his knees give out as Sunny ran over. Mari couldn't run. Sunny had to save him. He went unconscious right before he hit the ground.

Chapter Text

"Basil? Can you hear me?" He could. What happened? It was cold. He was awake, but he couldn't move. Basil tried to move his hand, but it felt really heavy. Maybe just start with his eyes. He squinted, feeling a shakiness throughout his body as the light flooded in.

"Mhh... what... what happened?" Mom was with him. Ah... her dark brown hair... so pretty. Oh, no... it was black. That was Mari, right? Mari was here. How nice.

"You fainted, I'm pretty sure. Does anything hurt? Sunny barely caught you, but your back still hit the floor." Oh! Sunny! Basil felt a lot better now. Sunny saved him? He could have hit his head if he didn't. Sunny was a good person. Basil knew it. He was so happy. Sunny saved him. Sunny helped him.

"I'm fine. It's... hard to move." He moved his hand a bit, trying to sit up. Mari helped him, Basil leaning against her. He looked around. There he was! He was squatting down nearby, looking at Basil. Did Sunny touch him? Catch him by his arm? Or was it his hand? Did they hold hands? How nice. Oh, what if he hugged Basil? That would be amazing. Basil wanted to know how his skin felt. It looked extremely soft and very smooth.

"I'd bring you to the couch, but I'd probably drop you." Basil shook his head. Ough... that made him more dizzy.

"I'm okay here. I'm d-dizzy, anyways..." Mari sighed, rubbing his head. Basil relaxed in it. He used to always put his head on his grandma's lap when they'd watch tv or a movie. She'd run her hands through his hair, untangling it with her fingers gently, but she stopped doing it a couple months ago. Basil said it made him uncomfortable, but it didn't, he just didn't want to be close. He'd hurt her. He already did.

"He's making the scary face again." Basil sat up fully, scooting away. He shouldn't get close to her. She'd hurt him, or he'd hurt her, eventually.

"Sunny, Basil isn't scary, he's the one that's scared." Basil had to resist laughing as Sunny pouted, hugging his arms. Things were messed up now, but Sunny was still staying here. That had to mean something.

"I'm not used to all this serious stuff... I want everyone happy." He looked at the floor. Oh... so, Sunny was upset that Basil didn't look happy. He was happy! Kind of. Basil just didn't like smiling that much. He felt silly and forced when he did it. Kind of creepy, too. He tried, regardless.

"It's okay, Sunny. I'm trying... heheh..." Basil grinned uncomfortably. He stopped, seeing Sunny still with the same expression.

"Sorry. I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Basil, you have clinical depression and mania. You're 10. That's really hard to deal with." Basil looked up at the ceiling.

"Yeah, but, still..." Sunny walked over, looking down at him. Basil felt more blush creep across his face.

"No. Bad." What?

"Sunny doesn't like when people put themselves down." He cared! Sunny cared about Basil! He didn't want him to be sad. How sweet. Sunny nodded in response.

"Okay... then... I'm sorry I f-fainted." Sunny shook his head again.

"I'm sorry you're here?" Another shake.

"I'm sorry I'm so weird." Sunny just looked at him, annoyed.

"That's not what you're supposed to say."

"I'm sorry."

"You're supposed to say 'thank you for your help', Basil." Oh... Basil was so used to apologizing, he didn't realize he didn't thank them. He usually thanked people when everything was over, like after he ate dinner with his grandma, or when he finished buying some candy from the candy shop. That lady was scary. Smiley smiley....

"Thank you. Thank you both." Basil looked at Mari, hands in her lap.

"You're welcome. Obviously, that was too much for you." Yes. Never talk about it again.

"It was. I'm s-s... I know I need help. I'm just... w-what if they lock me up or something? I can't be trapped alone in a white room for days on end. T-that won't help..." Sunny sat down next to Basil. It was so nice and comforting. He was right there if Basil needed him.

"I don't think they'll do that. We just think that your grandma-"

"Look, my grandma is nice, but she's not perfect. I wouldn't have fainted if she didn't put me on that stupid m-medication..." It didn't help. It muddled Basil's brain and made him dizzy all the time. Before he had panicked at school, he was still having suicidal thoughts and wanting to hurt himself. They would pop up like usual before pausing, then just disappearing into a different random thought. It was almost worse than before. He couldn't think. He kept losing things, too. He lost one of his favorite pencils the other day, along with a spade that he used to dig a lot of random holes as a toddler. Being covered in mud and dirt made him feel masculine, for some reason. He didn't like it anymore, though. Just a bit of garden soil on his hands felt nice enough. His brain was doing it again. Moving onto random things, just to avoid thinking properly.

"I... hm. Just..." Mari sighed softly.

"I don't know how to help... I just don't." Basil looked up, concerned. She was about to cry. He didn't want her to do that. Basil pulled her into a hug.

"It's okay." It wasn't, but that's all he could do. Sunny came over. Basil looked at him as Mari sobbed, hugging back. Sunny moved his arms around both of them. The touch against Basil's back felt electrifying. He kept calm. He couldn't do that now, as good as paying attention to the details would be.

Basil pulled away from Mari first, then Sunny. She was a bit red and her nose was runny, but she still looked pretty. Basil got up with the help of a chair to get her cleaned up, but he was alright. They sat back at the table, letting Mari settle down. Basil was so excited when Sunny sat next to him instead of Mari. He was barely even upset anymore. That made him happy. Sunny was staying with him, despite knowing what he did.

"Thanks, you two. Sorry about that." Basil narrowed his eyes.

"Thought we weren't supposed to do that." Mari rolled her eyes a bit.

"Well... that was a needed one. I'm older, and you're the one going through everything." Basil stayed quiet. He didn't know what he was going through, really. He had one weird day and suddenly his entire life was changed permanently.

"Basil? Are you here?” Oh, crap. Basil forgot he said that he was leaving. He stood up, using the chair. He didn't stumble or anything this time. Good. He stopped at the side door, his grandma halfway inside it. She paused.

"H-hi! Sorry, I took awhile, but Sunny and Mari are h-here now." His grandma smiled. Basil looked outside as the door shut. She already got all the dirt inside the pots.

"Oh! Should I make tea?" Basil laughed nervously.

"They didn't w-want any... but... I forgot to ask if they wanted to plant f-flowers..." There was more going on, but she didn't need to know that. Basil turned, going back toward the kitchen. That picture was still just right there. Basil ignored it. He peaked out the corner, watching Sunny whisper into Mari's ear. What was he saying? Did he see Basil do something bad? No, no he didn't. All he did was stalk him once. Mari assumed it was positive. He knocked on the frame.

"U-um... hi. Do you two want to help plant some flowers? I understand if you don't... b-but... I like doing it.” Mari smiled, balling up the tissue she had. Her eyes were red, but she was still really pretty. When Basil cried, his entire face got red. He'd get a headache, he’d be warm, and his nose would run. Gross. He wished he was a pretty crier, especially with how frequent it was.

"That sounds great!"

Chapter Text

"S-so... I picked out a bunch of different ones... um, here are ours." Basil held up the three seed packets, decorated with little pictures of the grown flowers.

"I looked and saw and researched what would fit who, s-so, this is what I got." Sunny and Mari looked intently. His grandma listened to his explanation as well. Mari though, putting her finger on the sunflower packet.

"Oh! Did you get this one for Sunny? Cause, y'know, 'sun'..." Basil stopped. That actually made sense. But that's what Basil was. Well, wanted to be. Sunny was the tulips. He'd already made it up in his mind.

"Well, yes... but... these are for m-me. Sunflowers. They're called that because they always face towards the sun. That's how I want to be like... someone who always sees the bright side of things." Basil wanted to be positive. Basil wanted to be normal. It was just so far away and unrealistic he didn't believe in it. He wanted to get better. He needed to be, so he could stay with his friends.

"That's great! Sunflowers are really pretty. But... don't you already have some?" Mari turned to them, gesturing with her hand.

"Yes, but Grandma grew them, m-minus one." Basil planted one seed and was allowed to water it for himself. He didn't get any help with it, until his depression got too bad, his grandma then moving on to taking care of it.

"Well, you still did it, and I'm proud of you regardless." His grandma pat his head. He swatted at her hand a bit. He didn't want her to touch him.

"W-Why do you keep doing that? Hmph..." His grandma looked upset, but laughed it off, flicking part of it on the back of his head.

"Sorry. Your hair is so spiky now, it's fun."

"Now?" Sunny, again. Basil still loved his voice. His grandma put her arm around his shoulders, poking his face.

"Oh, yeah, this one used to have really long hair. Just got everything cut off last week." Cut. Cut... just the word gave Basil a small adrenaline rush. Maybe if he held back again, it would be better when he did it. He purposely put his suspenders on. The fabric was stiff, so he couldn't pull them up easily to do it anymore. He’d have to actually get undressed, and he didn’t want blood on them, so they were a good deterrent.

"Woah, really? Basil had long hair? Bet he looked like a prince." Basil shrugged. Ehe... prince. Not princess.

"M-maybe... it was too girly looking. It made me uncomfortable, too." His grandma moved away. Sunny reached his hand up, grabbing one of the two strands of hair Basil kept in front of his ears, looking at it before rubbing it between his thumb and pointer finger.

"S-Sunny? What is it?" Basil looked at his expression. So curious... oh my god, was he blushing? At him? Sunny was touching his hair. If he pet him, Basil would die on the floor in a blushing mess. Sunny let it go.

"Soft." Soft! Basil always took really good care of his hair. He was glad Sunny liked it. He noticed it.

"Well, we should try to get everything done. We don't have much more time before the sun starts going down. You wanna finish up explaining, Basil?" He nodded.

"Yeah, sorry. These are white tulips. Plain, simple, and bulbous... just like Sunny! I don't know... I just think they're cute. They're also shaped like his hair." That wasn't why he picked them, but Basil just felt they fit him really well. Basil looked as Sunny crossed his arms, looking at the ground. Uh oh... he made him mad.

"Sunny, don't get all grumpy. I think he meant it literally, not as an insult." He looked to the ground.

"I'm not cute. Or... bulbous." Basil and Mari both laughed nervously. He walked over to one of the open plots, sitting in the dirt and hugging his knees. They had 4 main ones, with pots on the edges. Basil's grandma liked growing vegetables in the one he sat in. They usually were in the fall. Yum... baked eggplant. Basil liked them.

"I will sit here until I morph into a potato." Everyone else looked on in confusion. Basil smiled. That's where they grew their potatoes. Did Sunny notice their little sign? Funny.

"Okay, you do that then, Sunny! R-regardless... for Mari. These flowers are called lily of the valley. It's said that they're able to ward off evil spirits and help people see a brighter future... I guess that's why they remind me so much of you. I can always count on you to help me stay positive, even when I can't do it myself..." Mari pat his shoulder.

"That's very sweet of you to say, Basil. I like them a lot. Thank you so much." Basil felt nervous. They were both really close.

"Do you wanna know about Hero and Kel's?" Mari nodded, stepping back. Basil glanced at Sunny. His eyes were closed. Was he sleepy? Hehe... cat nap.

"Sunny, don't fall asleep there, or the spiders will get you." Sunny opened his eyes, quickly scrambling up and back over, brushing his clothes off.

"He hates those things. Hero does, too, but he's closer to being terrified. Hero freezes and won't do anything until it's gone. It's so silly." Basil saw Sunny glare at her, but he quickly went back to his usual neutral expression. Wow. Sunny could control them so well... Basil's were always all over the place. When he got angry, sad, or happy, it was all over his face. It was so cute how he did it. He narrowed his eyes just a bit and frowned just barely more than usual. So controlled...

"I picked out roses for Hero. Roses come in many different colors and have their own unique m-meanings. Pink roses symbolize admiration... orange roses symbolize passion... y-yellow roses symbolize friendship... and the list goes on! Hero doesn't remind me of any rose in particular, actually. I think Hero is like all roses, because he's versatile and universally loved! I got red, though... you said he's a charmer. Red is usually f-for love. Romantic love..." Basil looked away, blushing. He stayed focused on Sunny while saying that.

"That boy is such a... what's the word... gosh. Someone who does whatever other people want?" Sunny pulled the edge of Mari's shirt.

"A people pleaser?" His grandma tilted her head.

"A suck up?"

"Appeasing." Mari had a metaphorical lightbulb above her head.

"Yeah, that! He tries to appease everyone. He's good at it, too, but he never really relaxes around people because he's scared of being mean. It's kind of annoying, but I know it makes his life easier. I do similar things, but he goes really far with it. He flicks his hair up all dramatic with that goofy smile, asking things all shy and nice. He's so funny sometimes." Basil got the word right. He did that stuff too, but he just generally sucked at it. He couldn't talk to strangers, and also didn't understand people with different lives than him. He tried to be nice, but his anxiety always swarmed him, messing up his presentation.

"Hero is a sweet young man. He's a bit quiet though. No offense to you, Sunny." Sunny nodded a bit.

"Yeah... Kel is really different from him. It's interesting. They're siblings, but nothing alike. With Kel it feels like once I look away something is gonna be shattered on the floor." Sunny looked at Mari, but quickly glanced away.

"Me and Sunny are alike in some ways, but different in others. I like to do a lot of different things, but Sunny is usually okay with just hanging around and doing whatever." Basil paused. She just said hanging, didn't she? No, it was okay, that wasn't intentional. The word brought more anxiety into his chest, though. He was okay. Nothing was wrong.

"W-well... that's okay. I like a lot of things, too, but taking a break every once in awhile to relax is good. It's hard for me to do that." It was easy for him to start, but he would get depressed and not want to do anything really quickly.

"Yeah, same here. Nice to curl up with a book and some tea and just relax. I should make some." His grandma smiled, looking off wistfully.

"You're tea addiction is worse than mine, Grandma. So sad..." Basil said it with as dramatic of a tone as possible. He didn’t want to be offensive or anything, even if none of them dealt with that. God would judge him.

"Sue me. Tea is good. It's so calming, especially in the winter. It has a lot of physical benefits, too. The bags have a lot of nutrients that make it easy to start new seeds with. Speaking of which, you should go fish the ones from earlier out of the pot, Basil. We really need to get started." Basil nodded.

"W-Well, Kel and Hero aren't here for me to explain their plants to." His grandma put her hand on his shoulder.

"Aubrey, either. You two doing alright? You haven't said much about her lately." Basil shrugged. Ugh. Aubrey.

"We... kind of had a fight. I'm the only one still mad about it." There was no fight. Basil was just avoiding her. She came by last week and he completely ignored her, pretending he wasn't home. He was too busy looking through his sketchbook. Looking at Sunny.

"That's too bad... I hope things will get better between you two. Aubrey really loves you, Basil." Basil didn't look up at her.

"Thanks for that, Mari. I just... it's awkward. It's over something s-silly. I don't w-want to talk about it, though." I don't want to force my stutter. You'll figure out I'm lying. Basil wished that voice would shut up. It felt like his shadow was watching him. A stranger. He always felt eyes on him, but it got worse with his medication. Another downside.

"That's okay. I'm sure you two can make up just fine soon." Basil moved his grandma's hand away.

"I'll go get the bags." Basil pushed the door open, stopping in the hallway. He glanced at the shelf for a second, but kept going. He grabbed a paper towel, opening up the trashcan.

"Stupid Sunny... stupid Mari... why'd she have to go to the exact bathroom I was in? This whole thing is stupid." Basil grabbed the bags, walking to the sink. They were dripping down on the floor.

"Oh, and then it's not like I can tell my grandma what's going on, because I'll get sent to a mental hospital, but that's the only 'correct' option for everyone else. No one has asked what I want. God damn..." He opened a cabinet, trying to grab a saucer. They were somewhat high up, so he had to go on his tiptoes.

"This shit is so stupid. Why can't I be n-normal?" Basil managed to grab the plate, pausing and looking at the items in his hands. He looked at his wrist. God. Why? Why did he have to be like this? Why couldn't he just enjoy a day with his best friend? He was so angry, and upset, and confused. Basil felt his heart race. He had the urge to throw the plate as hard as possible on the ground. He couldn't do that. He needed to shut up and stop causing problems before it got worse. He put the bags on the plate and put it on the counter, leaning forwards on it.

"Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. Everything... is going to be okay." Basil took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He opened them. That... worked? His heart was still racing a bit, but he actually felt better. Saying those words helped. He'd keep that in mind. He was still anxious about going back. What if they were talking about him? What if Mari was telling his grandma about today? Basil shook his head, picking up the plate. That's not what's going to happen. That's not what they're doing. He walked back outside, ignoring the shelf in the hallway. Today needed to be good.

"There's the delivery boy! Now we can get started." Basil smiled sheepishly. He liked when his grandma said masculine things towards him. Boy, sir, mister... it made him feel more valid. He was glad she said them.

"You guys do your own, just in these pots. I'll show you how it's done with the cactus, if that's alright." Basil nodded. He was sick of talking. She crouched down near the pots, picking up the smallest one. Basil wanted that one for the cactus. She could somehow sense what Basil wanted, most of the time. He wished she knew now. Everyone stepped a bit closer.

"Cacti are a type of succulent, which is a variety of desert plants. They're resilient, strong, and can survive in difficult situations. Their needles stop them from being targeted by things that would eat them, even if some are bad for certain animals, including humans. Most of the time, it's easiest to start with a piece of one that's already grown, which is called propagating. But, this is what we have. Some types of cacti can bloom flowers once a year, and on certain ones, they can grow fruit! These are the seeds. These are just for a little round ball type, so they won't grow fruit, but who knows? Maybe we'll get some flowers." She put the pot down on a small glass table they had for things like this. She ripped the packet open, pouring a few seeds in her hand. Basil raised his eyebrows a bit. Pretty standard seeds. Smaller than he expected. He looked over to Sunny.

Oh my... Basil wished he had a camera. Sunny was... smiling. Genuinely. A real smile. The first one he'd seen. Basil wished he could frame this moment and burn it into his brain for all eternity. This was beautiful. His little dimples, the way his eyes curved up, his little grin... he was beautiful. Basil felt so much better. He smiled back, turning back to his grandma.

"Planting them is actually pretty simple. You just make a little divet with your finger, put the seeds in, and water it for a bit. Some plants are more complicated, and need things like fertilizer or watering before they're ready to plant, but most of these seeds just need this basic type of care. Cacti don't need to be watered much when they're fully grown, but as seeds, they take a good amount." Basil watched her do what she explained, in the small green pot Basil thought fit for it. Mari walked over to the side of the table, pointing at a small cardboard box.

"What are these for?" Basil didn't actually know what they were. He didn’t notice them before.

"Well, they're technically for desserts and stuff, but I got them today. Figured they'd make some cute decorations in the soil." Mari picked a pink one out of the box.

"Hm... I have an idea."

Chapter Text

Basil finally felt happy. It took awhile. But, something about being in the sun, humming while Sunny and Mari dug in the dirt with him, felt like something he'd been waiting for eons to experience. His grandma was back inside, making dinner. Baked chicken and potatoes. It was simple, but Basil liked it. He felt himself start to hum, emptying one of the two tea bags into the soil, mixing it around. Good fertilizer. He dropped the seeds in, covering them with the dirt like his grandma told him to do many times over. He planters his sunflowers and Hero's roses. His grandma did Kel's cactus.

"Basil? What's that song you're humming?" Basil perked up, looking at Mari.

"Oh, it's just one I made up. I've known it most of my life, I guess..." He actually didn't remember when he made it up. He just noticed he did the same one over and over, and it became a habit. Basil liked it.

"Oh wow! I'm actually trying to write some music myself right now. It takes awhile, trying to figure out what the right and incorrect notes are. Writing and rewriting... it's frustrating, but I want to do it. I love music and I just want it to be perfect." Sunny nodded at that. Basil pat the dirt down, standing back up.

"She tries too hard." Sunny was just poking at his dirt. He seemed bored. Basil frowned a little bit. He wanted him to have fun. He wanted to see him smile again.

"Maybe, but that's what I like about it. Won't get anywhere without pushing yourself." Mari smiled, standing up with Basil. Sunny glanced at her, but stopped, looking at the dirt.

"I have to do that too. Especially with... r-recent events." Basil paused, but didn't let it get to him. Things were good.

"You're trying. Depression is hard." No... that made Basil sad. He looked down at his flowers. Sunny was fine with him, because he understood. That had to be the only explanation.

"Sunny..." Sunny looked up at him, frowning a little bit.

"I'm okay." Basil glanced at Mari. She glanced back, before turning back to Sunny. His face was blank again.

"Sunny?" Basil saw him frown again before shaking his head, taking a deep breath.

"It's fine. Hero has to deal with it. That's what I meant." Sunny stood up, walking over to the table. Mari followed. Basil wasn't reassured by that. He stood nearby, but stayed back. Sunny dug in the box, picking out one of the purple picks.

"I like purple." Basil laughed a bit. Purple was a nice color. He knew another new thing about him.

"Well then, I'll do a pink one." Basil rubbed his hands together nervously.

"I... still don't really understand how this is supposed to help me." Mari turned towards him.

"In the long run, I'm not sure, but I hope these will be a good reminder for you." She picked up a sharpie on the table. Basil was confused.

"Don't look yet. I wanna have it as a surprise!" Basil blushed, nodding and walking back to the pots. He checked Sunny and Mari's. They planted them just fine. Sunny's bulbs were a bit too high up, but Basil could fix them later. He didn't want to make him feel bad about it. He walked and grabbed one of their watering cans, taking it and pouring a bit of water in all 3 of them.

"...this pen is too big."

"It's okay, Sunny. Just write what you think he needs. Your handwriting looks just fine, I promise."

"Okay..." Basil smiled, but was still nervous. What if it just said something like "you're an idiot! love you!" He laughed to himself, looking at the pots together. That would be something Aubrey would probably write. Basil still loved her. He was just... angry, for a bit. He needed to hang out with her again soon. He missed her. He just felt awkward. They both had a crush on the same person. Basil had no idea if she knew he liked Sunny, too. It must have been kind of obvious when he was manic, but she didn't say anything to him about it. Basil perked up, hearing Mari walk over.

"Okay, close your eyes." Basil did, hearing a few more steps.

"Alright! You can look now!" He opened them. Two little picks were stuck in each of their pots.

We believe in you, Basil! You can do it. :)
Mari had beautiful, graceful handwriting.

Don't give up. We love you.
Sunny's was simple, although a bit wobbly on the plastic. Basil felt himself tear up.

"Th-thank you guys... I..." Sunny loved him. Basil smiled.

"Thank you so much."

Chapter Text

Basil found a routine, finally. One he liked.

He'd wake up in the morning, taking a deep breath and reminding himself of what was important. Staying clean, going to school, and having fun with his friends. That's what he had to do. Otherwise, his life would have no meaning.

School was alright. Like Basil expected, his classes were easy, since he was back in elementary school. He was fine with it. Easier assignments mean he had more time to garden and relax. Sunny and Kel were both in his class, minus his advanced English one. He'd go to a separate one, which Basil was happy about. Sunny was in that one, too. Basil was very excited to learn about how Sunny loved books, just like him. Every little bit he learned felt like another brand new flower added to the garden of his mind.

Therapy was another thing that was added, for awhile. Basil didn't talk much anymore about things that bothered him. He was happy. He didn't tell his grandma or Lindsey about how he cut again. He didn't need to. He was over it. Sunny made him happier than that did. Basil was upfront, saying his medication helped. After a few sessions of Basil just talking about his day to day life, his grandma decided that he was going to be okay without it. It was expensive, too. Insurance helped, but it was still around $50 they had to pay each session. Basil liked Lindsey, and would miss her, but not thinking about the bad stuff helped him move on. Sunny replaced his thoughts of suicide. Sunny was a better coping mechanism than hurting himself. He was okay without it, even if they didn't go over what happened with his parents. His grandma didn't want to explain it, thinking it was better for him, so he didn't bother. Last time he tried, he panicked really badly. Things were better this way.

His after school therapy sessions were replaced by Sunny, too. Basil would go over most days, but that was with everyone else. Usually him and Kel, but Hero and Aubrey would come when Mari was there. Thursdays were just for him and Sunny. They'd sit in the kitchen, mostly in silence reading, while drinking tea. It was everything Basil wanted, minus the physical affection he craved. Basil wanted Sunny to be his boyfriend. They were too young for that, though, or at least that's what Mari told him when he asked. He'd became his best friend, in his mind. That's at least what he said to him, and other people that asked about them. Sunny was okay with it. It was close enough for Basil, for now.

The only thing that never improved was Basil's anxiety. He was constantly worried about things. If Sunny would randomly hate him, if his grandma would find out about him cutting a second time, and the constant feeling of eyes watching him. Basil grew used to it, but it didn't make it a good experience. Everything else was great. He'd even planted the rest of his flowers with everyone, including Basil's special tulips. He kept them in the spot he loved, checking them daily, even throughout the winter. He'd make sure they didn't get snowed on, that they had the right amount of moisture, and the right amount of fertilizer. They'd start to grow again and flourish in the spring. He was excited.

-

Winter break was about to start, and everyone had just had a little celebration party at Mari and Sunny's. Basil never got the key, but he didn't need it. He had his flowers for a reminder. Sunny loved him. Besides that, he was over at his house so often, the front door was usually unlocked for him. Faraway was mostly safe, minus a couple of the older guys that lived in the park. Even then, they never did anything. Nothing would hurt them.

Basil walked back home with Aubrey, in a comfortable Christmas sweater his grandma had knitted for him awhile back. So soft. There wasn't too much snow on the ground still, but he watched out for the ice. Aubrey was talking to him about her new bunny, which was a bit of an impulsive thing her dad got. He yelled at her, badly, but apologized and let her finally get one, since she’d been begging for months. Basil was excited to meet it. He also loved bunnies. His intrusive thoughts also stopped with the medication he was on. Bunnies were just bunnies. He still loved the plush he had. It was the only one he kept out regularly on his bed.

Basil waved goodbye to her, turning around to go into his house. He opened the door.

"Grandma! I'm back!" Basil looked around, setting his backpack down. Huh. She'd usually be having her tea about now. Maybe she was taking a nap. She'd been more and more tired lately. Basil was worried about her. He pulled off his jacket; a tan one lined with fluffy white fur, hanging it up on the coatrack. He went to the stove. Soup again. Basil was sick of it, but it was easy for her. He couldn't complain about it. He went to the bathroom, knocking as he saw the light on under the door.

"Grandma? I'm home." Basil heard no response.

"Grandma?" Basil felt a tightness in his chest. He walked to her room. She wasn't in bed. He came back.

"G-Grandma? Are you in there?" He looked down, waiting for a bit. Something wasn't right. Basil turned the doorknob, looking in.

"Oh my god... oh my god-" Blood was everywhere, near the bathtub. He ran over, seeing her in her robe, leaning against the wall. It was coming from her head.

"Grandma! Are you there?" She groaned, tilting her head up a bit.

"Basil? Is that you? I... I slipped."

"Y-yeah, it's me. I... I'm going to get help." Basil got up and ran, grabbing the phone. His hand shook, typing in the numbers. This didn't feel real. What if she died? Oh god-

"911, what is your emergency?"

"M-my grandma... she slipped... there's blood everywhere. I'm scared." Basil slid down against the counter, sitting on the floor, shaking. The lady was talking on the phone, but he couldn't hear her. Everything was drowned out by white noise in his brain. Something was eating him.

He closed his eyes, fainting.

-

Basil woke back up in the ambulance, blinking hazily. The siren was loud. He wanted to go back to sleep. He closed his eyes, but was nudged awake.

"Hey, don't fall back asleep. Stay with me. You need to stay awake." He didn't know what was going on. Why was he in an ambulance?

"She's in pretty bad condition. I think her wrist is broken." Basil turned his head. Grandma. She looked so pale. She needed to go outside. She needed the sun, just like Basil.

"G-grandma? What..." Basil felt his eyes get heavy again. His heart was racing. A strange man blocked his view of her.

"Calm down, everything is going to be okay."

"Everything... is going to be okay?"

Chapter Text

Basil woke up again, looking up at a dull white cork ceiling. He brought his hand up to his head. Ow... his eyes hurt. He sat up slowly, squinting as bright light flooded into his eyes. He tried moving his other hand. He was tied to the bed. Basil pulled, seeing something similar to a belt around his wrist, hearing a heart monitor beep faster. Why was he here? What happened? He didn't know what was going on. There was a big window nearby, but he couldn't reach it. He pulled again before sighing in defeat, laying back into the pillows behind him.

"Basil? Basil!" He turned his head towards the door. Aubrey ran over, hugging him. His eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm glad you're here... I'm glad you're back..." What?

"Aubrey... what happened? Why am I h-here?" She pulled back, looking at him with teary eyes.

"Basil... I... don't think I'm allowed to say. I'll go get a nurse." Basil nodded, staring at the white sheets over his body as Aubrey left. Something wasn't right. He was just at that party. Did he faint? He thought he'd gotten used to the dizziness.

"Basil Adams?" Basil tilted his head up, nodding. The nurse came over, sitting in a chair next to him. Her dark brown hair felt familiar. His head ached again.

"I'm sure you're confused. I know why you would be. That was a really scary situation, but I need to talk to you about what happened. And... about another thing." She glanced at the thing tethering him to the bed.

"I... I don't know what's going on. Why am I here?" The woman sighed.

"I was afraid this is what would happen. Sit tight. I'll be right back." Basil did. There were no thoughts in his head. All that remained was white noise as he looked at his hands. There was an IV stuck in his free arm. That mark was still on his left wrist, barely pink. He put it down, looking at the ceiling again. He turned at another knock.

"Hey, Basil... do you remember me? It's Lindsey." Basil looked, nodding.

"Oh, hello... why are you here?" She replaced the spot the other woman was sitting in. Her hair was longer than when he last saw her. The roots of her hair were black, compared to the bright blonde he was used to.

"Well... it's complicated. I'm here because I know you, and I also do some social work outside of counseling. Something bad happened, and you blacked out. You hit your head, but it's not too serious. Only been out for a few hours, but they gave you a lot of medication, so I'm sure you're feeling pretty strange." Basil nodded. So he did faint.

"Something bad?" Lindsey sighed, looking away.

"It's your grandma. She fell and hit her head pretty badly. She's alive, but... it's gonna be awhile before she's able to go home. They had me come in to talk to you about it." Oh. That's not good. Basil pointed at his wrist.

"Why is this here?" Lindsey looked at it.

"Wasn't up to me. They... I think they saw your scars on your legs, and just assumed things. I'm not allowed to take it off, unfortunately." Basil looked down at it.

"Oh... I... it's been a long time." Lindsey nodded.

"I know. It..." She sighed.

"I'm probably not supposed to tell you this, but when you were in the ambulance, you kept struggling and trying to get away. Obviously, they couldn't let you do that, so they had to restrain you." Basil furrowed his eyebrows.

"That... doesn't sound like me."

"I know. It isn't. I'm fairly certain it was just due to the stress you were under, along with your head injury. I know you wouldn't hurt someone, Basil." He felt tears start to pile up in his eyes.

"I wouldn't... I never would. Why does everyone hate me?" He cried, but stayed silent.

"Not everyone hates you, Basil. They didn't know about you or what you're like, which is why they brought me here. Your grandma is still under sedation, since they have to do some surgery on her. I'm also here because we need to sort some things out while she recovers."

"What things?"

"Well... it was just you two, and we don't have records on your parents. Actually, that's not necessarily correct, but we can't place you with either them." Basil sat up.

"My parents? They're around?" Lindsey looked away with a concerned, but serious look.

"I already said too much. You just need to know that they won't work out. There's two options we can go with, for now. We can bring you to a friends house if they're willing to have you, or we'll have to put you with a temporary foster family." Basil felt his heart drop, but smiled.

"If I can stay at Sunny's, I'm sure it'll be okay." Lindsey tapped a pen on her clipboard.

"We can look into that, but I'm concerned about it. You were very dependent on him." Basil shook his head.

"No, I've changed. I swear. I... I'm happy now." He looked down at his hands again.

"I'm glad you're doing better. It doesn't change that, though." Basil huffed angrily, looking at her.

"You don't know me anymore! Sunny is good for me. Mari, too. She helped me after I cut again. I haven't since. I swear, nothing bad will happen. I'm not some kind of criminal or something, because I want to spend lots of time with someone. I just... I really love him. Both of them. You just said that I wouldn't hurt anyone. That applies to him, too." Lindsey looked down.

"I know. I'm sorry. Just... you showed some concerning behavior before. I have to be cautious, for my sake and yours. I'll contact their parents and see if it's alright. If they can't, I'm sure you can stay with Kel and Hero or Aubrey." She stood up.

"And, Basil. I know you're not really my client anymore, and it wasn't really my position to, but I do care about you. I hope you'll be okay after all of this. I mean it. Stay strong." Basil smiled at her, despite the bitterness he felt.

"Thank you."

-

Basil zoned out for a bit, looking up at the ceiling. He felt a lot of things, but the drugs in his system prevented them from escalating. He hoped his grandma was okay. That nurse eventually came back in, pulling out the IV and undoing the restraint on him. Basil was relieved. He sat around for a bit longer before she said he had to leave. He was fine with that. He needed to see Sunny again. Aubrey was still with him. Basil had no idea how she got to the hospital, but he didn't question it. He got back into his other clothes before being driven back to his house in Faraway by Lindsey, Aubrey in tow. Apparently she caught the bus. Mari came with her mom, but they had to leave before Basil woke up. He looked up. The hospital was still so tall. What if he wasn't drugged and tied up? He gripped the sweater.

"How long will it be before she's back?"

"I'm not entirely sure, but it's going to be awhile. At least a couple weeks before she can go home, but longer before she's fully recovered." Basil looked out the window, tears coming to his eyes once again. It was starting to snow.

"I hope it's fast..." Aubrey put her hand out on his leg.

"Me too."

Chapter Text

The emptiness of the house was the first thing Basil felt. Without his grandma, it all felt grey. Aubrey walked with him while Lindsey waited at the door. He paused outside the bathroom. There was pale red biohazard tape on the door. Something really bad was in there. He pushed open the door to his room, Aubrey in tow. Basil sighed, looking around. He could still come home if he wanted, but it hurt. He couldn't even go in one of the rooms, one that was necessary. He reached under his bed, pulling up a small suitcase he rarely used.

"Um... do you need help?" Basil shook his head.

"It's okay. Just need clothes." He opened it up, going over to his dresser. Aubrey sat on his bed, messing with her hair nervously. The top half was a bookcase, but only one shelf was full. Two of them were sketchbooks filled entirely with drawings of Sunny. Basil reached up and grabbed them, putting them down in it first. He'd need those. He pulled open the first drawer, scooping all his clothes up and dumping them into the suitcase. He looked down at the side of the dresser. Basil would need that too. He peeled up the tape, grabbing his razor blade. There was no one to stop him for now. He needed it to get through this. The drugs the hospital gave him were wearing off.

"Basil, I'm worried about you. You look really... scared." Basil sighed, tucking the blade into a front pouch. He angled it so Aubrey couldn't see.

"Of course I am. My grandma could die. I don't have anyone else to live with if that happens. Not permanently, at least." Aubrey stayed quiet. Finally. He zipped everything up, standing straight. He walked to the door, motioning his head for Aubrey to follow him. He walked up to Lindsey, grabbing his backpack and jacket from the door.

"Do you have everything? It's going to be a bit before you can get things out of the bathroom." Basil shook his head.

"I can't. It's not like it matters…” She frowned at him.

"You shouldn't say things like that. It makes people worry." Basil turned back to Aubrey.

"Let them. I have an excuse this time." He looked at the floor, feeling Lindsey put her hand on his shoulder. He flinched. The only people he was comfortable with touching him were Mari, Sunny, Aubrey, and his grandma. Kel and Hero were even too much for him.

"Basil, it's not an excuse. This is really scary, and I understand that you’re upset, but we need to be careful about this. You need to stay strong to get through this. Did you get your medication?" He slumped, turning back. He didn't want to get through this. It was in the bathroom. He didn't want to deal with that. He didn't want to be okay.

"Yes... just, leave me alone. Let's go."

-

"So, I know our house is pretty big, but if you get scared at night or anything, feel free to come upstairs with me and Sunny. We want you to feel safe here." Basil couldn't until it was just the three of them. Their parents felt like vultures waiting for him to slip up so they could tear him apart and throw him out like scraps of unwanted dinner. Basil couldn't even eat anything else. He was too nauseous. Too anxious.

"Thank you both. I appreciate it a-a lot."

"You've been here a lot, so I'm sure you know where most of the stuff is, but if you need anything else, you can always ask us." Basil nodded. He really didn't like Sunny's dad. He glanced at him and Sunny strangely when they were together.

"Well... goodnight, Basil." Mari shut off the light as they all headed upstairs. Basil laid on his back, looking at the ceiling. His life was falling apart again. He should have told her she needed to use the cane. He should have helped her instead of being out so much. He shouldn't have been so selfish. He brought his hands to his face, covering his eyes. Basil couldn't feel anything. Nothing. Sunny had apparently gotten sick after eating some of the food at the party, so he was in bed the whole time. He couldn't even see him.

Basil sat up, looking up at their family portrait. Sunny was such a cute little baby. Chunky and squishy looking. His face was still cute and soft, but he definitely had grown up since that picture was taken. Basil wanted a picture of him so bad. He couldn't ask for it, though. Christmas was only a week away. His eyes teared up, looking at the tree they had. A real one, made of actual wood. Him and his grandma have had the same plastic one from before Basil was born. This one was so pretty. It smelled like outdoors. Would his grandma be back for Christmas?

"Basil." Basil jumped, wiping his eyes.

"Oh, h-hey Sunny. Aren't you supposed to be in bed?" He nodded. He was wearing a shirt with a cat on it, just like the metal one at the park. Basil learned he liked cats when they went to the park and he ran right up to the strays. Apparently, they liked him back, since they let him pet them.

"Probably. I don't want to be." He walked over, sitting on the couch next to him. Basil blushed. He did whenever Sunny got close.

"How are you feeling?" Sunny shrugged.

"Threw up everything already. You?" Basil looked at his legs.

"Can't lie, horrible." Sunny pat his head. Basil smiled at it.

"I understand." Basil leaned into the arm of the couch, covered with a pillow.

"I can't stop worrying, but at the same time, I feel nothing. And I feel horrible for feeling that way, but I can't stop it." Sunny shook his head.

"It's a lot. It's okay to be upset." Basil glanced at him sniffling.

"I'm sorry to burden you like this. I d-don't have anyone else to go to. Well, other than Kel and Aubrey... but, I wanted to be here. I'm sorry." Sunny sighed, poking his cheek. Basil looked at him, confused.

"Shush." He stayed quiet, looking out the door.

"I don't know why, but snow makes me really sad." Sunny stared with him.

"Snow is pretty, though. I like it." Basil smiled a bit, glancing at Sunny. The blue moonlight reflected into his eyes and highlighted his nose. Even when he was sick, Basil felt he was beautiful. He knew that word was mainly used for girly things, but no other words described him. Cute, maybe. But Sunny wasn't handsome, or hot, or even pretty. Basil felt like he was a beautiful, unblemished, shiny tulip. Standing strong, even in the snow. Sunflowers shriveled in the cold.

"Basil?" Basil blinked, looking at him. He'd been staring. He quickly looked away, blushing harder.

"Oh, s-sorry... spaced out." Sunny rolled his eyes before yawning. Basil grinned before involuntarily yawning back. Sunny always helped him relax.

"I'm tired. Don't know what made me sick still. Still feel it though." Basil chuckled nervously.

"Sure hope I didn't eat it. My stomach hates me sometimes." Sunny nodded. Guess he was talked out. Basil leaned back into the couch, stretching out a bit. There was enough space.

"I'm sorry about her. Your grandma is nice."

"She really is. I don't know what I'm going to do without her." Basil felt a touch on his hand as his eyes watered once again. He looked. Sunny had his hand on his.

"Sunny?" He stayed quiet, scooting over. Basil felt his heart racing. What was this? Was this romance? Brotherly love? Did friends do this? Did Sunny like him? Was he just trying to comfort him? Basil had no idea, and it got worse as Sunny pressed his side against him, leaning his cheek on his shoulder.

"Ha... what... hehe..." Basil needed to stay quiet. Enjoy this. He could feel every vein in his body burning as Sunny's soft hair rubbed against his neck, feeling the rise and fall of his chest against his arm. Basil was trapped, and he was okay with it. He wasn't sitting the most comfortably, but he didn't want to disturb him. He panicked when Sunny shivered, eyes closed. He was still sick. Basil forgot for a bit.

"Um, let me just..." Basil reached down slowly, pulling a blanket out from under him. He threw it over him as best as he could with his free arm before Sunny adjusted it, tightening it around himself. He shifted it over Basil too. Basil had never felt this... warm before. Something was swirling in his stomach, and it wasn't nausea. Sunny was so close to him. His hand was still on his. He felt red hot in his bones and veins. He wanted to hug and hold and squeeze Sunny until their bodies and bones merged into one before they disappeared into nothing. Basil grinned. Sunny. Sunny here, Sunny touching him... taking comfort in him.

"Sunny... I love you." Basil slapped his hand to his mouth, horrified. He said it. He said that out loud. He turned, looking at Sunny. The moonlight shined on his hair, lips parted slightly, cheeks light pink. Eyes closed. Gentle breathing against Basil's cheek. Basil sighed, closing his eyes. He was asleep. It felt like a needle was stabbed into his brain and everything was drained out of him. Sunny here, against him, felt like the exact thing he needed. Basil's foot was pinned under himself uncomfortably. He didn't want to disturb him, though. He moved as slow as he could, holding him to prevent him from falling as he slid his foot free.

"Nhh... no-" Sunny grabbed Basil's shirt tightly, hugging him closer. Oh god Sunny was on him- his arm was between his chest, his knee touching his thigh, his face pressed against his. He was so warm. Basil shuddered. What feeling was this? He couldn't stop himself from grinning. Sunny was his. There was absolutely no way this boy did not love him back. Sunny would never leave him. His best friend... Basil wanted to kiss him. Right here, right now... he was asleep. He would never know if he was gentle enough with him. He reached his hand up, brushing the soft hairs of his sideburn behind his ear. One kiss.

Basil turned his head gently, smelling his hair softly. Sunny had a strange smell. It wasn't unpleasant in the slightest to Basil, but everything blended together to make his scent his. The sap of their Christmas tree, the soap he used, the detergent on his clothes that was the same as Mari's, the wood of their classroom desks... that was one layer of it, but Basil couldn't pinpoint what it exactly was. It was just him. He loved it. Should he kiss his lips? Cheek? Forehead? This was his chance. Now or never. He should go all in. He'd have to move his head. Basil cupped his chin as soft as he could with his hand. He couldn't at this angle. He gently lifted his head off of his neck, moving his other hand to hold him still. He turned. Just like that.

Basil jumped up as a light turned on. Crap. He looked back at Sunny, still asleep. He tried to relax and let him lay back against him, but Basil moved too fast. Sunny's head fell, making him snap awake. Basil quickly leaned back into the couch, closing his eyes and staying still as Sunny muttered in confusion. Mari walked in, rubbing her eyes.

"Hey. Are you going to sleep down here? I heard you leave for the bathroom but you didn't come back, so I got worried." Sunny blinked at her, confused. Basil squinted his eyes, seeing her silhouette blur. It scared him a bit, but he forced himself to stay calm. He inhaled sharply, muttering in his throat before stretching. He was good at faking the process of waking up.

"Mari? Hi..." She blinked at him.

"Oh, sorry if I woke you up. Um... if you want to stay down here with Basil, I guess it's okay." Sunny nodded, rubbing his eyes. Basil stayed still, staring. His face was still a bit red.

"You okay Basil? You look kind of red... I hope Sunny didn't give you his fever." She walked over, putting her hand on their foreheads. Basil stayed still.

"Um... I don't think so. I mean... I am kind of warm, b-but... I think it's just this blanket, yeah..." Basil tossed it off of him, even though it was barely around him. Mari pulled it back up.

"I think you do. Let me go get the thermometer. If you're sick you need to stay warm." Basil looked down in defeat as she went back upstairs. Well... maybe if he got sick, he'd be allowed around Sunny. No point in being separate if they were both sick. Sick buddies. The two of them... together... alone...

Basil frowned when he saw Sunny laying on the other arm of the couch, eyes already closed again. No more cuddling... he liked it. He closed his eyes. He was still really tired. Mari came back down and checked. No fever. Of course. Basil was just really flustered. He stared at the floor for awhile before turning to Sunny. He still wanted to kiss him, but doing it like that wasn't right. Basil wanted Sunny to love him back. For their first kiss, it would be for the best that everything went well. He gave Sunny the blanket he had, and Mari gave him a new one.

Basil leaned back into the couch, looking as snow came down again outside the glass door. He leaned into the couch, watching it. He'd get through this, somehow. He had to. He glanced at Sunny again.

"I love you. I don't know if you really know how much, but... you... Sunny... you're my best friend. Forever. P-Please don't leave me. Never... n-never leave me." Basil whispered it near him, reaching to touch his hair. He stopped himself just an inch away. He didn't want to wake him up again.

Basil leaned back into the couch, stretching to gently put his foot against Sunny's, before finally drifting to sleep.

Chapter Text

It was a morbid curiosity.

Just a few days before Christmas, Basil ended up going to the library with Mari and Sunny. Basil really liked the library, and this one even let people buy the books, if they wanted. He was surviving without his meds. He was more irritated and wanted to isolate himself, but he pushed through it. The razor and his sketchbooks remained wrapped up in his suitcase, just under an old shirt he never wore. He glanced around at the shelf he had been standing at, staring blankly at a tag listing the letter of the author on the bottom.

"Knew you'd be by the plants." He smiled at Mari.

"Yeah... kind of my forte..." Basil turned away. He didn't know why he was here. What was the point? It wasn't like he could garden. He only went to water the flowers once. The bathroom was cleaned, but he didn't want to go in. Mari drifted away, probably off to watch Sunny. He'd get lost. More accurately, he'd hide and would be so quiet he'd be impossible to fine. Basil smiled at the thought. He glanced around, seeing a book he didn't recognize. He'd gotten most of the books here before, especially in the garden area. It was blue. He pulled it out.

Universal book of knots

Basil dropped it, but caught it before it hit the floor. He was having the background thoughts once again. Not too loud, like before but... the stranger, his shadow, was whispering louder. Simple thoughts, but ones that never quite went away.

I want to die. I want to cut. Help me. What's wrong with me? Kill me. Get me out of here. Save me.

"...stop... please..." Basil squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't miss this. He took a deep breath, telling himself everything was going to be okay, before opening the cover. It looked old. Knots... he went to the beginning. He skimmed over it. Where was it? Would they put that in here? They wouldn't, right? Basil looked over it.

Nooses & Slipknots - 135 - 206

He flipped to it. The first few were complicated. He finally saw the one he learned.

Basic slipknot - Commonly used for basic purposes. Climbing, moving objects, and carrying light objects. Like all slipknots and nooses, they can be dangerous, but this type is particularly dangerous due to the fact that it requires two hands to loosen. For this reason, it is sometimes used to trap and kill animals, as they will tend to pull and choke themselves death in an attempt to escape.

So, he didn't tie a noose. It was a slipknot. That didn't really make him feel better. Why did that guy call it that, then? He knew that wasn't the one people used to kill themselves. It didn't look right, even in the drawn instructions. He'd heard tales of gallows and hangings in his history classes. He'd always had the morbid curiosity. Who figured out how to tie it that way? Basil continued going through. He knew how it looked. The loop was shaped like a lightbulb with ridges between the main rope and loop. He stopped when he saw it.

Hangman's knot - The backstory of this knot is no surprise to anyone who's been in basic history classes. Discovered in _ by _, this knot had been implemented in the hanging of many people. Slaves, criminals, and many of the witches of Salem lost their lives due to this knot. Despite its reputation as choking its victims, the cause of death actually comes from the weight of the neck snapping due to the spiraled part of the rope above the main loop. Death is almost instantaneous. Like other slipknots and nooses, it can be used for basic purposes like climbing, securing small boats, and animals.

It was prettier than the other one. Basil had seen it outside of his classes. Kel had a game where one was in the middle of a town area. Basil froze when he saw it, but quickly ignored it to avoid the suspicion. He smiled at the drawings.

"Why do I like this?"

It's an easy way out.

Basil grabbed some random gardening books, sticking it between them. He needed this. Mari would say something if she saw it. Basil ran towards the front counter, feeling a familiar floatiness in his chest. Manic. He stopped a bit before the counter near a shelf. He needed to calm down first. He was just so excited. For nothing. He had something to do. No more sitting around, being useless on Sunny's couch as he rested in bed, sick. Basil shuddered as he thought his name. God... he loved this feeling. Adrenaline... he'd forgotten it.

Stop. Stop. Stop smiling. You look insane. Stop. Stop thinking. Basil thudded his head softly against the shelf he was at. Shut up. Stop it. He didn't like it. This wasn't okay. He needed to get rid of that book before he learned how to tie it. That knot would actually... kill him. He felt a shiver under his skin. Why wouldn't it stop? He didn't want to die. Stop.

Basil pushed through it. He froze up a lot, but managed to sit down at a table just a couple feet in front of him. He held his head in his hands, digging his nails into his scalp. Cut... pain... that would help. Something to make him feel nothing again. That was better than this. He didn't want to hurt people. He didn't want to hurt himself. Not again. Never. He was recovering, finally. He focused on his breathing again, holding and letting it go like Lindsey had taught him in a couple of their sessions. It wasn't perfect, but his heart had stopped racing after a couple minutes.

Basil got up and checked out his books, not even getting a glance or question from the librarian despite his visual jitteriness. He waited out front with the books hidden in a paper bag. He got away with something, for once. Mari and Sunny came out soon, before they left to go home.

-

Bathing. Basil was avoiding it. The bathroom scared him before, but now it was worse. He didn't even want to go upstairs to use it. He didn't feel safe, even with Sunny near him. The adrenaline filled mania wasn't enough to drown out the exhaustion that was in him anymore. The things constantly staring at him scared him enough to make him refuse to sleep in the dark. He was sure Sunny's parents were sick of him wasting their money on food and electricity. Walking up there, alone, terrified him. What if it grabbed him? The eyes. What if it decided to kill him? He knew it wasn't real. The fear still remained.

Regardless, had to clean himself. Christmas was tomorrow. Everyone was out. If he panicked, he wouldn't burden them.

Basil looked up the stairs, towel in hand. All the lights were on, despite it being the day time, but he was still uneasy. It could appear in a dark corner and grow until it consumed him. Something was pulling him back. He knew what it was. He opened up the suitcase, pulling out the shirt. He needed it. Otherwise... he didn't know. He read the book. Basil knew how to do it now. He practiced. Without his grandma... taking back the jump rope was easy. As soon as he was done, he untied it and put it back, but it still lingered in Basil's mind. The feeling of the rope under his fingertips... it felt so natural. Basil unstuck the blade from the cover, hurrying into the bathroom, shutting the door and scanning around the area. Nothing, like he expected, but he still feared that a shadow would be there, staring at him, before he was killed in terror. He locked the door behind him. It was the only way he felt safe.

He got undressed, sitting in the tub. It was cold without the water, but he had to do it this way. Basil had learned how annoying cleaning up blood was. This way... it could just be rinsed away. He looked down at the scars, running his finger over them. Basil still thought they were pretty, but they had faded so much. Almost all of them were white, a couple of the deeper ones a very pale pink. They weren't visible enough. Was there even any proof he did it? Someone would have to look close to even notice. He had to do more. Basil dug the blade in, feeling the tip poke into his skin.

what would your grandma think? she's barely alive, and you just get to play around like this? just kill yourself. do everyone a favor. you don't deserve to live.

Basil felt tears come to his eyes. He didn't want to do this. He responded to the voice in his head.

I'm not selfish. I'm trying to survive.

really? mari tried so hard to help you, and you just give up that easily? quitter. coward.

"STOP!" Basil pulled it, inhaling sharply as his skin stung. He tensed up before sighing, looking at it. He felt panic rise to his chest. That was deep. Before, it was just a few dots of yellow. He could see so much of it now. He dropped the blade as the blood pooled in. The pain... it hurt. So much. Unpleasantly. This didn't help. He shouldn't have done this.

Basil covered his mouth, looking as the blood dripped down his leg, before hunching over, throwing up to the side. He pulled away as it touched him. He had to clean this. Had to deal with it. What if Sunny found him? This was disgusting. He moved to stand, but stopped. Dizziness. Why? He didn't lose that much blood. There was no reason. He turned to the other side, looking at the mess. The blood dripped and smeared as he turned. There was a smear on the ceramic floor of the tub. Blackness crept into Basil's vision. It was coming back. He tried to lay down without touching the vomit, hyperventilating. Would he die here? In such a pathetic way? Basil didn't want that. He stayed still, trying to breathe.

see? pathetic.

"I know." Tears flowed again. At least he could feel something again, even with how horrible it was.

-

After enough time, Basil felt okay enough to sit up. He stared at the blood, then at his leg. It was still bleeding, although a lot slower than before. It dripped down his leg as he stood, just a lot slower. Back to feeling nothing. Was it better or worse? He didn't know. He unceremoniously rinsed out the tub, watching everything flow away into the drain. The blood was pretty; wisps of orange and red that dissipated into the water. The vomit was not. They had pancakes and eggs for breakfast, so it smelled pretty bad.

Basil rinsed off his leg, but more blood kept coming out. It should have stopped by now. He went too deep. It still was interesting to him, though, staring at it. Inside on the outside. What should he do? He already got dizzy. He needed to lay down, but what if it didn't stop? It could get infected. That would be more suffering.

Basil went through a lot of ideas. There weren't any actual bandages here. Toilet paper could stick in it and cause an infection, and he didn't want to deal with the burning of the peroxide. There was one conclusion.

Hero was considering being a doctor, right? Basil knew he was next door, watching Hector, while Kel and his parents were out. Just... tell him. He messed up. Basil took a clean wash cloth and stuck it over the cut before getting dressed and walking over. Every step was unsteady and full of agony. This is what he deserved. He knocked on the door.

"Oh, hi there, Basil. Is something up?" Immediate fear came back.

"I... um... I-" Basil sighed. He couldn't tell the truth.

"I accidentally walked into a table. A... g-glass one... and-" That was a crappy lie.

"That's not good."

"N-no... it isn't... but... let me just-" He pushed his way in. Basil knew Hero wouldn't care about it, but he still felt rude doing that. He didn't want anyone nearby to see. He sat down on the couch as Hero came over, sitting next to him. He kept holding down the cloth.

"Just... it's bad." He pulled up the shorts before moving the towel. The old scars were faded enough. He'd only see the one.

"Oh geez... that is bad. Really bad."

"I didn't know what to do." Hero sighed.

"I'll get the first aid kit. But, Basil... I don't think I will, since it's mostly stopped bleeding, but next time, call 911. This is bad enough to need stitches." Basil perked up a bit, but kept his mouth shut. At least he was good at it. One swipe, too...

"Just keep holding that down. I'll be right back." Basil nodded. He grabbed and held the wound shut tightly, tensing at the pain. The urge was back. He just overdid it because he was scared. He knew what was too much. He'd be safe. There was no point in stopping if it helped him and no one knew. The marks protected him. If he was scarred and torn up, he'd be a man. Like a viking, worn after years of battle. He'd been fighting, just in his head. With them, it would show. Show he'd go far enough to hurt himself, so what would stop him from hurting others? Nothing but his own morals. If they tried to hurt him, he'd hurt them back. He could fight now.

What are you even thinking about? A viking? You're 10. Who would you even fight?

Basil had no idea. He wanted to think about other things, pleasant things, but he couldn't. Just incoherent ramblings justifying why he could keep hurting himself and obsessing over Sunny, despite knowing that logically neither of them would actually help him in the end. There was him, then this thing in his brain that never stopped thinking about bad things, even when he was having a good time. He closed his eyes.

"Took forever to find, but I got it." Basil jumped, eyes shooting open as Hero came in from the corner of the stairwell. He let his guard down. He backed up in the corner of the couch.

"Oh, sorry if I scared you. Um..."

he's coming

"Basil?"

run

He couldn't.

"Hey, sorry if I spooked you. Are you okay?"

A hand on his shoulder.

"DON'T! Don't touch me..."

"Sorry- I'm sorry."

he's never sorry

"I'll just... go for a bit. Let you calm down, yeah? Just... stay here." Basil kept his eyes locked, waiting for anything to happen. Any hint that he'd get closer. He grabbed a pillow on the couch, waiting and watching as Hero went into the kitchen. His nails dug into it as deep as he could, staring at the doorframe. He missed his bunny. He was panicking. Again. His body shook, as if it were freezing, but never seemed to warm up. He had to blink. Eyes watery. He did quickly. He could of ran over when he wasn't looking. Grabbed him, again. Killed him. Hurt him. Would anyone know if he died? Did he even exist?

...

Nothing was coming. Silent. Basil turned his head, listening closely. No footsteps, no fabric shifting, no breathing. Just a single bird, chirping outside. His fingers released from the pillow slowly. It was safe. He was safe. He was okay. Everything was going to be okay. Basil forced his eyes closed. Take a deep breath. In, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7- hold. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Release, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... wait. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Repeat. The shaking had stopped. He was still afraid.

Basil knew why he was here, at Kel's, but what had even upset him? He shifted his leg, remembering. Oh... right. He got scared about him figuring out it was intentional. Basil looked down at it. It was bad. He stood up.

"Hero? A-Are you still here?" He heard some footsteps.

"Yeah, can I come in?" Basil hummed yes. He came in around the corner. Basil went back to the couch. Safe. Hero sat next to him, putting the first aid kit on the floor.

"Are you okay? I've never seen you so scared. I'm sorry if I scared you." Basil shook his head.

"It wasn't you, I-it's me. I... stuff. In my head." Hero reached out to pat his shoulder, but stopped.

"Well... I'm still sorry that happened. Is it still okay if I look at your leg?" Basil hesitantly nodded. He wished he wasn't so scared anymore. So tired. He needed that medication. This... his brain... he felt horrible. The minutes of mania he experienced was not worth it. Even if it dulled his personality, even if he got dizzy, even if he lost things... it would be so much better than this. How did he even function before?

Basil flinched at Hero rolling up his shorts, wanting to scoot away. He didn't like touch, only having a few exceptions. Even then, he didn't want to get close. Sunny was the only one he fully accepted it from. Basil closed his eyes, feeling a wipe over the fresh cut. It didn't burn. Not like before.

"Well... it's stopped bleeding, which is good. But it's going to be hard to take care of. I think that the hospital would be a better option." Basil looked away. Stress and fear was bubbling back up in him. His hand was outstretched on the couch. He imagined Sunny's warm fingers between his. He needed to tell the truth, as hard as it was.

"We can't."

"Basil... this is a really bad injury. You need stitches. I changed my mind on it. I'll call." Hero got up, turning. Basil looked at the scars.

"Hero, don't. Seriously. I... I lied." He turned back. Basil quickly imagined Sunny hugging him close, holding his head in his hand, stroking his hair... he felt a lot better.

"What do you mean?"

"I did it. I cut myself. On purpose." Basil looked in his eyes. His eyebrows knotted in disbelief, lips parting slightly, before he sighed deeply, crossing his arms, thinking about it. Got it out, at least. 

"I... don't know what to say." Basil shrugged.

"Me either." Hero walked and sat next to him on the couch dramatically. They stayed in silence, staring at the blank tv. Basil saw his eyes and silhouette in the reflection. Him, but still a stranger. He didn't even know himself.

"This isn't the first time, is it?" Sunny, his arm around his shoulder. Warm.

"No. It's the third. Mari and Sunny know, b-by the way." Hero sputtered his lips, leaning into the couch.

"I had no idea. I... don't know what to do." Basil shrugged.

"Most people don't. I don't either." Hero glanced at his leg again.

"Well... I know why you don't want to go now, and I understand why. Taking care of a cut that deep is hard, though." Basil nodded. Even the small ones were annoying to deal with. He had to stop.

"I'll do it. I don't want to keep doing this, but it's hard. I need my meds, b-but... I don't want to go in that bathroom."

"You have to, even if you don't want to. I was out of mine for like a week once and I felt horrible. With your grandma and everything, too... I'm sure it's a lot for you." Basil was surprised. His words actually reassured him.

"It is. I'll survive. Let's just deal with this already."

Chapter Text

Basil had decided it.

He was going to kill himself in two weeks.

He'd had these thoughts for almost as long as he could remember. Even before it was the exact thought, "I want to die", it manifested in different forms in his head. Wanting to disappear, run away, be someone or something else... they were all the same. He didn't want to be him, and the only way that was realistic, was to die. Nightmares, hallucinations, and his paranoia were never ending. He never got better. Nothing ever would. Nothing ever had.

It had almost been a year since Polly moved in. In that time, Basil had carefully learned to avoid her, just like everyone else. He wasn't good for anyone, and he knew it. There were such obvious and blatant reasons for it, even if it wasn't visible to others.

One, he was a massive fucking weirdo. Almost no one knew about this part of him. It could be mistaken for depressed longing, simply staring into space, even confused teenage feelings... but he knew different. It wasn't normal. He wasn't normal, even if his brain was sick. Staring at Sunny's house, looking for even a hint he was inside. Taking pictures, looking close to see if he missed something, wondering if he'd even left. Basil even checked the trash, just a couple times, though. Nothing stood out. Did he even live there still? Well, Basil wanted to believe he did, even if he had no proof that Sunny specifically was there, besides his mom's car in the driveway every once in awhile. There was worse. The drawings... every time Basil tried to make actual art, it would somehow morph into something related to hurting himself, Sunny, or his something. They were bad, messy, and often included splattering some of his blood into it. He never looked back, and never understood why he did it. He'd make it, stick it in a folder, put it on the shelf, and never look at it again. It was just better to forget about it.

Two, he was useless. Plants? Art? Who buys that stuff anymore? They're gonna just go buy whatever they can at those home good stores. Any amount of love he put into making anything would go completely unseen. Basil knew he couldn't handle a real-world job. He'd either break down, snap at someone, or get bored with it and quit. Same for college. High school he was barely surviving. One week of classes, one week of summer, then he'd likely be dead.

Three, what he's done. Basil could barely think about it. He couldn't understand half of the things he did. Basil knew it was horrible, and knew he'd never forgive himself. He knew the five stages of grief, but never seemed to get past depression. It would loop back before he could get above the water, drowning him, continuing through once again, telling him there was no point in trying to get better or move on. He wouldn't forgive someone else for it, so he wouldn't forgive himself. It was simple.

Denial. Somewhere in his head, Basil knew what really happened. He pushed her. Sunny killed Mari, just because he was mad, sick of the stress... not even that. She was in his way, and he wanted to leave. Basil would not accept that he would kill someone, intentional or not. He'd seen monsters before, and Sunny was far from one. Those things he saw, the feeling of their eyes, everything that's happened to him... those were the real monsters. Sunny had never done anything close to bad before, so why would it have happened then? It couldn't have been him. Something took him over.

Bargaining. Saying he did what he had to do to protect Sunny. He did! Without that, he could of gone to jail. Basil didn't want that. Sunny didn't want that either. Basil could lie about it, easily, and he did. With that, Sunny should have seen how much Basil loved him. Loved him enough to cover up what would have been seen as murder by anyone else. But...

Anger. Basil only had seen him three times since the accident, and only once since the first month after. He stayed over one night, saw him at school even when he was avoiding him, and then... the afternoon with the photos. Basil wasn't too mad about that part. He did like those pictures of him and his friends together, but if Sunny didn't want them to be like that, that was okay. He let it go. But, Aubrey came and saw it. If Sunny didn't want those photos around, why didn't he just throw them out? Tell Basil to deal with them? Basil would miss them, but if Sunny had done one thing back for him, cared for him like he did for Sunny for once and took them, he wouldn't have to deal with being hit and insulted by Aubrey and her friends on a weekly basis. And even now, Sunny refused to see him. He wished he would try to come out. Basil had faked, and lied, and dealt with everything, but he just got to run away and hide in his house forever. It wasn't fair.

Depression. Basil wasn't a stranger to it. He'd known he'd deal with it forever, on that day with his therapist. He went through the stages with that, too, minus denial. But it was the worst part of it for him. He'd been stuck this way for a few weeks now. He never seemed to feel happy, at least not anything more than a chuckle, looking at a couple of the old pictures he had kept safe. School was a nightmare. Basil tried to stop going, telling Polly he felt sick. Well, he did throw up once, but that was from purposely eating expired food. He was that desperate to stay home. She was a nurse, so it had to look legitimate. Lying about a fever wouldn't work. Basil didn't want to do anything. All his plants were unwatered or dead, his room was usually a mess, and showering in a way that actually involved taking off his clothes was impossible. Even his beloved tulips, the ones he worked the hardest to keep, the ones he made a part of himself, gave up. He could barely keep anything alive.

The closest thing to acceptance Basil had was incredibly infrequent. His mania. After that one day, way back when he was a kid, he knew he had to be on medication the rest of his life. He skipped days sometimes, when he was extra depressed, but he tried his best. Despite it, he'd barely hung on the entire time. It worked for one side, for the most part. The depression? Never got better. Mania? Basil couldn't predict it. It still happened, just not as bad. It was hard to tell a good day from a manic one. Heck, even a decent one from a manic one. He didn't know what happiness was anymore. He couldn't sort or figure out his feelings. A jumbled mess of colors, spreading on his chest and shifting from raging static to smooth water, pointed triangles of white paper stabbing through his back, the soft texture of a flower petal... those were his emotions. No one could understand him. No one could know. No one could handle it, including himself.

Before, he could deal with it. Basil tried, for awhile, to deal with everything how he knew he was supposed to. Lindsey had moved away, so she was gone. He got stuck with whatever therapist he got from the hospital after the accident, since his grandma's medical costs were too much for even that. They talked to him, but he didn't talk back. He had to protect Sunny. After enough time, it wasn't required, so Basil tried what he usually did. Drawing, talking to his grandma, and taking care of his plants. After that scare of hers, he clung a lot closer, but he knew it wasn't permanent. She would die soon. He saw it. Cane, to wheelchair, to bedridden. He couldn't even be honest with her, before everything. He was too tired and sad. Sunny was gone. He relapsed, again, after 2 years. Basil didn't try to stop after he gave in. It kept him alive.

Basil ultimately came up with the plan on a night in the early summer. He got mad at Polly, trying to talk to him again during dinner, and ran away into the bathroom. He hated this room, but it was also the only place he could cut in peace. Daytime at the park meant people could see him, and night meant he couldn't see the lines and layers of his skin that he needed to calm him down. Cleaning up without a sink was tiring and annoying. Basil remembered when he first got really deep. He was scared. But now, seeing the white usually wasn't enough. He got his pencil box full of self harm paraphernalia he bought at fix-it, hidden in a specific part of the cabinet under the bathroom sink, and got to it in the bathtub, clothes on. He knew how to get the blood out of them or avoid it getting on them in the first place. It was more comfortable. Easy. Grab the box, do it, rinse, patch up, done. Back to nothing.

"Why does she have to talk to me, huh? S-she's not my mom... she's being paid to do this. She doesn't- doesn't care." New blade in one hand, gauze in the other. He looked for a somewhat clean spot on his thigh before digging it in, swiping to the side. A few beads of yellow.

"Can't show anything, can't say anything, can't do anything..." Deeper.

"I'm useless." More.

"I should just die."

You haven't even tried again since the door.

"I know. I..." Basil put the blade against his wrist. He swiped it down in the air, around an inch away. No matter how badly he wanted to, he never did it on his arms. Even when he was out of space on his thighs, he could move up to his hips or down to his calves. He couldn't mess up his scars, at least until they faded. He always wore long socks, just like Sunny, so they were covered up.

It would be so easy. The veins, right there, would be easy to hit. He could do it. One hard swipe, at just the right angle, and blood would spill everywhere.

You've held on this long. Why now?

"Something changed. I don't know what." The imagery he had for the shadow, the stranger, changed over time, but always loomed on his back. Usually it was himself, sometimes it was Sunny, and even on occasion, his grandma. Sometimes, an actual stranger. It always said the same things and behaved in the same manner. Cold, questioning, and uncaring of his feelings. Separate from his terrifying something. That was from one event. The stranger was everything Basil hated.

Why are still you here?

"Grandma. Sunny. My plants... that's sad, huh?"

It is. There has to be more than that, right?

Basil thought about it. School? That was about it. No one talked to him and he didn't talk to anyone. He was clearly a target for the scooter gang, so he knew why people did, along with his appearance.

What's there? Nothing. People? People always let you down.

It was right.

"I just... hide."

Well, stop hiding. If you die, they can't ignore that.

"I don't want to die."

You do. You've been thinking it for years. It makes sense. Your best friends sister, and years later, you. It works. It will help Sunny cover it up better if something reopens. There's nothing left for you.

"But... I haven't seen so much. Haven't done a lot... I want to explore and try things."

Nothing’s stopping you now. Run away. Look what you're doing now. Is this living?

Basil looked at the small pool of blood on the floor of the tub. This was the only thing he genuinely liked to do. Sleeping meant nightmares, and everything else that was good reminded him of a life he could never go back to.

"Illegal. Polly will find me eventually."

So... do it. Just kill yourself.

"Something might change. I don't know yet. Grandma says god will show you a sign when you ask for it... he'll help when you need him... so... what if?"

“Might?” “What if?” There's no certainty in those words. You've never believed before, and you know that you don't believe now.

"Two weeks. If it doesn't get better... we'll see. If Sunny doesn't come out... if nothing happens... I'll do it."

Everything is going to be okay.

"Everything is going to be okay."

Chapter Text

"Basil? Are you up? I'm here early, so I made you some breakfast." Basil sat up, feeling stiffness in his back and neck. Fell asleep in the bathtub. That's a first. He didn't sleep much, and to even try, he had to go through an entire routine, which didn't always work. But... just a little while, and he'd sleep forever. Maybe. He didn't know yet.

"Y-Yes. I'm in the bathroom." Basil looked around. Didn't clean up his cuts, or the bathtub, or put his stuff away.

He wondered what would happen if Polly ever found that box. She was close, once. Basil fell asleep after being awake for a couple days, and she came in his room for something he couldn't remember anymore. His clothes and blanket covered up his legs, but the box was just under his bed, open. Basil got really mad in the morning, which somehow made him manic the next day. He didn't understand how it worked, but when he was like that, he was weird, even for himself. That was the night he did his sunflower. Didn't even feel the pain, and happily showed the design on paper to Polly as a future "sticker design". She had to sense something was wrong with him when he got like that. He could feel it. Then again, he always felt things looking, so was it her staring, or the thing Basil felt watching from inside the TV?

Basil sighed, standing up and looking at everything. Didn't even spread that far. Most of the blood was dried to his leg, brown from oxidation. Whatever. He didn't even care about feeling pain anymore, unless it was really bad. He quickly rinsed everything off and patched up, getting ready for another day of school. What would happen this time?

-

Aubrey left him completely alone on the bus this morning, which was uncommon. Basil was still glad about it. He could appreciate the little things better. There was a little pond behind the school that had unintentionally formed due to bad construction, which was one of the spots he really liked, even if he always walked past it. Birds chirped in trees as he looked up from under them. Basil didn't hate the world. He didn't even hate people. He hated himself, and there was no fixing that. Everyone else, even the ones he didn't know or meet yet, could enjoy this world for him instead. Good people. Better people.

Basil only liked one of his classes, and that was only for one small reason. His English teacher.

He didn't talk, or participate, or really do anything unless he had to. This class was the exception. He didn't know why it was that way. Well, one part he did, but he felt safe in here. This older lady reminded him of his grandma, but more than that, on the first day of class, she gave this oddly reaffirming speech to everyone. Basil didn't really care for the other students, but the way she talked got to him. Saying everyone should be heard, understood, and allowed to say what they needed to when they needed to. He even cried at it, silently. He almost felt like he could trust her, but he knew the limit.

"Good morning, Basil!" Basil glanced at her eyes before immediately looking down. He didn't like eyes very much. Or people seeing how disheveled and tired he looked.

"M-morning... Mrs. Hill." He hurried over to his seat, staying quiet until the bell rang. Basil thought her outfits were funny. She always wore matching colors and eccentric patterns, sometimes with a theme, like a movie or a character. Fun. Basil spaced out for a bit, waiting for the actual class to start. It wasn't pleasant, but better than his usual racing thoughts.

"So, as you guys know, we're moving to our final projects. We had the posters last semester, then our speeches, but for the end, I'm going to keep it simple. Well, we'll finish up the test going over Othello, but this is what I like to think of as the 'actual' final." Basil was curious. Would this give him a purpose?

"It's pretty simple, but I just want each of you to make something. It could be writing or art, but just whatever you want, as long as it has meaning."

Basil saw an opportunity.

-

Writing wasn't what Basil was good at. Reading and remembering, art stuff, and attention to detail were his specialties. Regardless... what he really wanted to do, he couldn't. A lot of alarms would go off if he brought in a painting of a boy no one had seen in years made with his own blood. Another day in the next 13 days, maybe. Basil sat, waiting for the right feeling. After thinking for a bit, he got it. The weird, existential sadness, that weighed physically on his chest. He knew what he wanted to do. Tell all of them. Confess. He couldn't, but he could show how much it's destroyed him.

-

Basil had the weekend to think it over. There were risks if he wrote about this. He knew what he wanted the class to feel like. Shock, along with that same deep sadness that never seemed to leave him. A bit of his bitterness and anger that no one reached out to him, but not blaming them, because he was the worst.

Saturday was fairly normal. Got up and checked on his grandma, before heading to the park to write. He didn't really feel comfortable anywhere, but being in the house with her scared him, as much as he loved her.

Basil was a bit conflicted about it, since he liked the park, but feared Aubrey's gang. Usually he could avoid them, but sometimes he just let them do what they wanted. Basil was sure they were sick of him more than anything, since the worst injuries he'd get now were some light bruises. They never really hit him more than a couple times, and barely hard, which he was fine with. Didn't enjoy it, but didn't care about it either. He almost always avoided them to keep their insults out of his head. He pushed past the weeds and construction signs, looking out at the pond.

"It's sad." Basil looked down at the dock, feeling tears pool up. No one would ever know how much everything broke him, or Aubrey, or even Kel. He could sense it in them. They weren't alright either. He didn't even know about Sunny or Hero. They couldn't be, either. Why was he so selfish? Wanting Sunny to come back? Why would he ever come back for him? He only knew three of the horrible things he did. Cutting, his suicide attempt, and what he did to Mari. If he knew the full truth, how infatuated he was, Sunny would run.

Did he? He still lives here.

Basil walked to the dock, looking at his reflection. It quickly turned into the stranger.

"I don't know. I think so. But I haven't seen him..."

He's avoiding you.

"Maybe. He's p-probably just scared, like me."

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

"Shut up."

He hates you.

"Shut the fuck up-"

Everyone hates you.

Basil raised his arm, barely pausing to avoid throwing his notebook in the water. He didn't need to think about this. He only had a few days left.

-

Weekends were the worst. Basil felt like he had nothing to do, but also felt like he couldn't waste the days, since he was always exhausted after school. Sunday's were his least favorite. Being dragged to church every weekend, feeling the eyes of all those people judging him and his family, knowing he was abnormal was too much for him.

Before, he'd use the time to work on his plants and chores, but he'd given up on most of them, besides his grandma's orchids. Now, most of Basil's Sundays were now spent in his room, door locked, curtains closed. Waiting. Nothing was in here if he couldn't see. No eyes, no black webs or teeth, no people... not even himself. When everything was silent and still, that was the closest thing Basil could have to peace. It still wasn't enough to save him, but it was enough to stop him. At some point he fell asleep, waking back up in the afternoon. He waited, trying to let his brain go quiet, until he heard Polly clanking some dishes around for dinner.

-

"So, how are finals going?" Basil shrugged. Baked chicken and peas. Wonderful. Only had it about five times this month.

"Well, you'll get through them. Junior year is hard, but your senior year will be more relaxed."

"...sure."

-

Basil woke up on Monday, smiling. There it was. Manic. He had to wait a little, but he was so excited to read what he'd written out loud in front of the class. They'd know that he wasn't normal. Once everyone realized, there'd be almost nothing to hold him back. No one would save him except Sunny.

The day went by fairly quick, as it tended to when he felt this way, but Basil was excited. He had some extra money he'd saved for new garden shears, but he couldn't control himself like this. He was sure the guy at fix-it knew by now what he was doing with the razor blades, but he never stopped Basil from buying them. He tried a few different things. Knives, craft blades, his shears, boxcutters, scissors, pencil sharpeners... but he stuck with the sharpest brand out of the ones he tried, for awhile.

But there was one brand he hadn't tried. They weren't sold at fix-it, so he was scared that the people at othermart would stop him or say something if he tried to buy them. He knew they were sharp. The couple times he'd went on the computers at the library, he'd look up videos of other people doing what he did. He'd usually just stare, curious about why they did it, too. But on a couple, there were comments. Basil saw one where they almost got down to the muscle in one swipe. He had to have the right ones if he was going to die how he imagined.

-

"Jesus..." $20 for 10 blades. Basil quickly considered stealing them, but knew he would get nervous and give away he was doing it. He had to buy something else, even if he didn't want to. He stepped back, thinking. What would he buy them for otherwise? People used these to shave, but he didn't need to, so... maybe an art project? But they sold the ones made for that, too. Basil thought, before it quickly turned into spacing out, before having someone bump into him.

"Oh... hi Basil! Sorry about that." Basil glanced before moving his eyes to the floor.

"Kel..." His feelings towards him were complicated. Basil always found him too loud, startling him frequently, but he was mostly just mad. He moved on so goddamn fast, without even thinking about anyone else. He hadn't changed, which Basil felt was worse than what he was doing. Basil knew he deserved to suffer, but no effect? Nothing?

"How's it going? I know I haven't talked to you in a bit..."

"Just... alright. I'm alright." Kel smiled at him like he always did, patting his shoulder. Basil flinched away out of instinct. He trusted Kel, at least in the way that he knew he wouldn't hurt him, but Basil still didn't like him. Too loud. Too ignorant.

"That's good. See ya around." And he walked off. Of course. No one ever said or noticed anything. He was literally right in front of them. Well, this was the shampoo aisle as well, so he might of assumed that.

Basil still didn't like it. He wanted to be saved without having to beg for it. He shouldn't have to ask for help. Someone should have seen at least some of the red flags by now and said something. They never did, even when he went up and bought the blades by themselves. The guy scanned it, said the total, took his money, and let him go. Basil stopped by the fountain, pulling them out the bag. Just the picture was pretty. He usually had the ones for scrapers, one edge, but these had two edges and a groove on the inside. They looked nicer. He was excited.

How fucked up are you? Why are you so excited to cut yourself? Most people cry over a paper cut.

Basil didn't care about the voice, walking home. He stopped at Aubrey's voice coming from the park. Already spotted. He tucked the blades into the back pocket of his shorts. Basil would rather have the bullying continue than have Aubrey figure out what actually happened, or have her pity him and stop due to his self harm problem. Both felt like the end of the world. Aubrey looked at him in the eyes as her friends laughed, not noticing him. More eyes on him. He really hated those contacts. The blue wasn't real, but the feeling was the same, if not worse, than before she started wearing them.

-

"Grandma? It's me again. I know... you've been pretty out of it. But... everything will be okay. This does have a positive. I... don't really know if you can hear me. But..." Basil paused, looking at her face. Nothing.

"I'll tell you. Just in a few days, instead. I promise. Things will make sense. Everything will. I love you." Basil kissed her forehead, like he always did, checked the orchid, and headed to his room.

Polly was out. She usually had to go farther out of town for specific medical supplies, which gave Basil a free chance. He didn't do this a lot, due to the mess, but he only had a couple more chances. Basil sketched it first. Sunny, his beloved, beautiful, bright tulip... holding a sunflower, happy, just like they should be now. Just thinking about specific moments and things about him brought a lightness under Basil's sternum. He loved him. He felt a lot of things... anger, abandonment, even fear... but they were the only ones that knew what had happened. He was the one. Basil put down the pencil, looking at the sketch. When he drew like this, it always looked so much better when he was sad.

"Sunny... your hair is so soft. Do you still use that rose shampoo? They changed it a bit in the last few years, but I still use it. I also still wear the dress shirt you lent me... I still have those drawings you gave me... do you love me, too? I love you. I can't even express it properly." Basil looked at the picture he had of him he was referencing, holding a dandelion, before looking back to his drawing.

"I'm fucking crazy. I know I am. You haven't talked to me in four years. There's no way. But... I'll find a way to fix it. I fixed it before. If you still won't come out..."

"I'll do it."

Chapter Text

Simple process.

Dip, turn, slide along the edge, lift, dip... repeat.

"No one ever tells you that blood dries brown... but for a week or so, it'll be pretty and shiny." Be careful on his eyes. You know how wrong he looks if they're too big.

"Sunny... do you even know what you've done to me? I don't know if it's good or bad anymore." Scraping metal on paper.

"You're so pretty... I know you're a boy, but... it's only what describes you best." Basil paused. It dripped a bit too much.

"It's okay. You're still smiling." Basil sat up, looking at his paper. Cleaner than his usual art, but the sketch looked better.

"I'll keep both."

-

Can't sleep. Again. This was Basil's least favorite part of the manic high. He could feel it fading as the time went by. If he was lucky... 3 hours of sleep before school. He sighed. It was always a struggle.

-

Fuck. He was back to normal. Basil groaned, forcing himself up on his elbows. What was the point of this? Sunny wouldn't come out ever again. Basil didn't blame him. He was just so lonely and tired and stressed and sick of everything. He got up, groggily remembering the fresh mess he'd made of his leg last night. Or was it this morning? Whatever. It hurt. He was used to it. He got ready for school, despite the urge to go back to bed.

-

"Basil? Are you gonna respond to me? Aww guys, I think he's a wittle tired." Basil glared at the back of the bus seat. Aubrey kept flicking part of his hair that always stuck up. He didn't want to deal with this.

"Maybe he just needs something to wake him up. Like this-"

"Oho, Kim. Hell yeah. Do it."

Basil braced himself as cold water dripped down onto his head, moving his backpack to the side to avoid ruining his things.

"Haha, he looks like a sad puppy from one of those commercials!"

"Are you just gonna do this forever? Aubrey?" Tired.

"I dunno. Maybe." Basil sighed, wincing as ice cold water ran right into his cuts. He quickly felt the relief as endorphins blocked the pain, calming him down. He didn't like that, because now he had to dry off and clean them up, but now he didn't have to leave class to go cut again. The bus rolled to a stop, and Basil hurried off, feeling the gang following him up until he entered the building before splitting off to go to their usual spot. He headed for the bathroom, throwing his bag on the ground in the larger stall, locking it behind him.

"She's not gonna laugh when I finally kill myself." Basil stared at his bag, sighing and sitting next to it. Grandma gave him that. He shouldn't throw it. He dried his hair with his sweater, throwing it over the door and waiting for a bit until the bell rang.

What are you even doing?

"I don't know."

-

Classes. Basil had his math final and managed to scrape by. It was his worst subject. Calculated work and doing the same thing over and over never worked well for him. English was just work time for their projects, but Basil was done, so he tried to nap.

"Basil, I know how it is, but you can't sleep in class, even if you're not working. I think Chris might need some help with his poster, if you're willing." Basil groaned, laying in his arms as his shoulder got nudged. Maybe he should just go to the nurse and sleep. She didn't usually mind. Probably could see that he was a "problem child".

"Not willing. Too sleepy. I'd just... m-mess it up anyway." He didn't want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to sleep forever.

Why are you even waiting two weeks? Just do it already.

"Well, you gotta do something. I have plenty of books to read if you like. If you're really not feeling good you can go to the nurse." He sat up, grabbing his bag.

"I pick option two."

-

Basil went home. He didn't care. He kept feeling everyone watching him in class and he couldn't relax at the nurse's office. Officially skipped 4 times this year, so far. He had better things to do. He had to work on things. Back to writing.

-

"Grandma? It's me again. I... h-had a bad day. Nothing really bad happened, but... I just..." She wasn't even there. Basil grabbed her hand. Maybe she could hear anyway.

"I... miss you, a-and... I love you. I don't know where you are, but I hope it's better than where I am. I have to give you something. It's similar... to what we did a few months ago. I don't think you can read it, but... it's better you can't. Polly will find it. I'll put it in your favorite book. I know she won't go through everything until... well, you'll see." Basil wiped his eyes, kissing her hand and sliding it in the pages. Hopefully, Sunny would accept his things. It wasn't like he had siblings, or his parents, or any friends, and Polly was just being paid to be here. Hero was gone, Kel didn't care, and Aubrey definitely didn't care. He was all that was left.

"Hopefully he took enough information from our garden sessions to take care of everything...  which I'm not doing that right now. Your plants are okay. Mine are just... rotting. I have to go now. Bye, grandma." Basil hurried out. It was almost solidified at this point. Nothing was helping him. He forced himself to not cry. Even if he was going to do it, he didn't want to have his last days spent being miserable. Crying was just another thing that exhausted him.

-

Basil woke up. Another nightmare. The blood wouldn't come off his hands in Sunny's sink. The cops arrested him. He was stabbed in jail, left to bleed out on the bed he was assigned, alone. Despite the fear and pain, he was at peace. Maybe it was time. Why wait another week? He had to go to school. Polly wouldn't let him skip twice. If he was dead, he wouldn't have to. Basil glanced outside. The sunflowers didn't look good. The bird bath was dry. He felt completely hopeless. Nothing would get better. Before he knew it, he was crying.

"Stop." Involuntary sob.

"I don't want this." Body felt heavy. Basil sat on the floor. Dizzy. Fainting?

"What..." He couldn't move. He wasn't passing out. Why couldn't he move? Basil's heart was racing. He tried, but could only make his fingers twitch a bit. This never happened. Was he dying?

"Basil? You up?" He managed to make a little grunt, but felt too scared to talk. If he got hospitalized, that would be the end of things. Trapped inside forever. He wouldn't be able to die. That was the only choice he really had. Basil heard her footsteps go away. He glanced at his alarm clock. About a half hour until he had to go.

Why are you so pathetic?

I don't know.

-

Basil stayed still, waiting for the time to go by. He was used to staying busy. It felt like hours, staying still. At ten minutes left, he hoped Polly would come in and do something just to help him.

He wanted help. He didn't want this. He didn't even want to die. Whenever something stressful would happen, no matter how minor, it was the only solution Basil could think of. He couldn't leave, he couldn't fix things, he couldn't do anything. He couldn't even wait to be an adult. He couldn't deal with his grandma dying. He couldn't deal with Sunny ignoring him. He couldn't deal with Aubrey, Polly, Kel, his teachers, himself- he just couldn't.

"Basil? Come on, you need to get ready." Basil tried. Moved his arm a bit. He was feeling a bit better. Well, not having the urge to throw up or stab himself was the best he got to that.

"I can't." Basil was surprised with how quiet and weak his voice was, and he was used to it being that way.

"You can't?" He shook his head, trying to prop himself up.

"I don't... I just can't."

"Basil, what's going on?" He glanced under his bed. Didn't bother cleaning up yesterday. He had to get up. She couldn't come in.

"I don't feel good." Basil grabbed the dresser, barely pulling himself onto the bed before she came in. He let the blanket cover up the bottom of the bed. If she didn't touch it, she wouldn't know. He effectively used all his energy, though. Polly came over, feeling his forehead. He already knew it wasn't that.

"Well, what is it specifically? I want to help you if I can." The help Basil wanted was a bullet through his head.

"I... dizzy. And weak." Polly gave him an odd look.

"Well, you didn't eat dinner. I'll get you something, but if you're not puking and don't have a fever, you have to go. It's finals week." Final week. Basil nodded. Polly walked out. He had to clean under the bed. His arm was so heavy... what if he just didn't? If Polly found out, she'd get him help.

If you get caught, you're never getting out of a psych ward.

Basil suddenly had to motivation to move. He got everything back in the box, sliding the painting under a storage bin, covering the box with an old sweatshirt he didn't wear. Good enough. She'd have to dig to find it. He laid back down in the same way. Even if he could move, he was so tired. Of everything. Basil rolled over, looking up at the pictures he had above his bed. Him and his grandma in the garden, him and Aubrey with her bunny, and him with Sunny, just having a good day. They got candy at the store and then went to Hobbeez. It was just like a date. He missed that. He missed that so bad.

He missed Sunny, his grandma, his friends, and every other memory where he wasn't completely miserable.

-

Basil got to school in the middle of his English class. Thankfully, he didn't miss any finals. Tomorrow. That's when he'd say it. Basil was second guessing it. There wouldn't be much else he could do after he said it out loud. Escape, go home, die, if all else failed. He opened up his notebook to the page.

-Do you know that flower boy?
Yes, he lives just down the block. Second left, first house.
-I heard something awfully childish about him the other day.
Oh? What is that?
-I heard he had caused a fit in public. Yelling at a girl, just full on screaming, about lots of things. Mostly about his best friend, that quiet boy, with the smooth black hair. Jealousy, anger, rage... the whole nine yards.
How dreadful.

-Do you know that flower boy?
Yes, the blonde one. Pink in his hair, green polo shirts, and overalls.
-I heard something awfully dreary the other day. His friend's sister, the older girl, real pretty and thin, long hair, hung herself in the black haired kid's backyard. Both of the boys found her there.
How awful.

-Do you know that flower boy?
Yes, the anxious one. He's always fidgeting around with that camera. Never seems to get a grip on himself.
-I heard that he does bad things to himself. Bloody things. Had to go to the ER on Tuesday.
How disturbing.

-Do you know that flower boy?
Yes, the bullied one. That girl with the pink hair and bat always terrorizes him at the park, with her friends. Like a game.
-I heard he has a major secret. That he did something awful with his friend. He admitted it to his grandmother. Didn't say any details. He started sobbing and screaming before he could.
How sad.

-Did you know that flower boy?
Yes, no one knew anything about him. He had problems, stayed quiet, and always hid under the radar. Haven't seen him lately.
-I heard he's dead. Tried to slit his wrists and failed. Before his grandmother could get help, he went and hung himself in his backyard. Just like that girl. History always repeats itself.
How tragic.

-Did you know that flower boy?
Yes.
-He left a note. A bad one. Hidden in the leather of an old photo album.
Oh? What did it say?
-I can't say more. It's too dark.
How disappointing.

Basil knew a good amount of it was just fantasizing about things that never happened, but it was very incriminating. Even if what happened wasn't explicitly stated, it showed that he wasn't right in the head. There wasn't anything in the album, but if he died, it would get Aubrey in trouble, with that mention of her hair. He wasn't sure what it was really about, other than him being mad and wanting to get it out. He really hoped he could do his wrists properly, but he'd be the same with Mari if it failed. Blood was so pretty...

"Oh? Is that your project?" Basil slammed the notebook shut immediately.

"Sorry if I spooked you... just checking in."

"You don't need to do that." Basil was sick of her hovering. The teacher sat in an empty desk next to him. He wanted to run. Lay and hide back in bed in the dark where no one could see him and he couldn't see anyone else and his thoughts could take over. His body was telling that to him earlier. Just to lie down and feel nothing.

"Basil, I have to be honest. I'm a bit worried about you." Basil looked in the complete opposite direction. Now someone was trying to help him?

"D-Don't be." Her hand reached out on his desk.

"Just know I'm here if you need anything and so is your counselor, alright?" Basil nodded. They couldn't do anything. He made up his mind.

"Okay." She smiled and walked off to help a student with their hand up. Basil opened up the page again. Oh... forgot about that. That's why she said that. The somethings, along with a noose, above a drawing of himself crying, sat at the top of the page. That was edgy. Drawing that stuff made him feel better, though. She didn't seem like she'd force him to talk to anyone, which he preferred. Basil peaked it open, turning to a new page. He had to make something else up before tomorrow.

-

"So... um... I made a painting. Not much, b-but... I had fun making it." Egret orchid. Basil spent 15 minutes on it. He let the class pass it around, got it back, and sat back at his desk. He spaced out everyone else's. Dead mom, guy who likes cars, girl who likes horses... whatever. Maybe not caring made him selfish, but he was barely alive.

Everyone finished up right as the bell rang. Finally. Lunch. He could go cut again. Basil had been wanting to try those new blades for awhile. Forgot to put the painting away. Crap. Everyone was leaving. He didn't want to be alone with her-

She closed the door. Just the two of them. He was still stuck in the desk, backpack in his lap.

"Basil. I don't want to confront you about this, but as your teacher, I need to." She sat next to him, again. He looked at the wall. He wanted to leave.

"...what?" Basil felt angry.

"I saw that drawing in your notebook yesterday. Now, I know art is about self expression, but you have to understand why I'm worried." Basil felt enraged.

"Throughout the year, I tried my best to support you, as much as I could. I could tell you were a bit anxious, which is okay. It's still high school. Just... you didn't seem to talk to anyone. I knew something wasn't going right for you, but I didn't know the severity of it. I wish I did more." Basil felt enraged.

"I know it's the end of the year, but, if you need anything-"

"SHUT UP! Just... shut up! Now you want to help me? Does this make you feel better? You don't know anything! And you can't do anything! I walk out today, and there's nothing else you can do. I don't care anymore! I c-can't keep-" Basil gripped his hair, looking at the flower.

"I can't keep d-doing this... I can't keep lying to myself..." Anger turned into sadness. Tears fell onto the canvas. His teacher stayed quiet. Basil cried for a bit. The guilt of yelling already was setting in. She reminded him of his grandma so much that seeing her just brought back the fact that she was going to die and that there was nothing he could do about it. He wanted things to be better. He wanted to be happy, but he didn't know what that was anymore. Nothing he could fantasize about gave him a twinge of hope. Even Sunny.

"It's... lunch is almost over." Basil sniffled, finally relaxing a little. He was still upset, but that wasn't appropriate. He glanced up, but tears blurred her figure.

"I'm... s-sorry..." Basil looked down again. He couldn't look anyone in the face anymore. His teacher grabbed a box of tissues from her desk, putting them on his.

"It's okay. I... overstepped my bounds. I just care a lot about my students. You're like my own kids. I don't want anything bad to happen to you." Basil grabbed one, bringing it to his nose.

"T-that's so nice..." A couple more minutes rolled by. Basil forced himself to calm down, waiting in silence. Despite his mixed emotions, he was glad someone was with him.

"I... should go." Basil grabbed his bag, moving to stand up. He glanced over. He couldn't read her emotion. He couldn't look for more than a second.

"I'm sorry. Again." His teacher stood up.

"It's okay. I... know what you mean. We, teachers, I mean, can't do much. Legally. We're not supposed to do this part. We're supposed to send you to the counselors. But I want to. Because this is real human connection and emotion." Basil felt his mouth wobble a bit.

"Thank you."

Basil walked over, quickly hugging her, before running out.

Chapter Text

Basil locked himself in his room as soon as he got home. He couldn't deal with Polly now. He... god. What was wrong with him? He didn't want to live. He didn't want to die. He wanted people. He wanted to be alone. He couldn't decide. Dying was the better choice. No more struggling, no more thinking, no more guilt... no more clinging to false, distant, long-gone feelings of when he was happy.

What makes you happy?

"Sunny..."

Why aren't you happy?

"He's gone."

Is he gone? He's still in town.

"He won't come outside."

So?

"So?"

Go inside.

-

Basil spent hours looking at the key, staying up late, yet again. After that time he spent at their house, Mari gave him a copy if he ever needed to get away from home and talk. He never used it, since anytime he went over, someone was always there to let him in. Now, he had to use this. He felt giddy looking at it. He'd see him. One last time. Basil wouldn't talk to him. Maybe just... a quiet hug. Apologize. Leave. That would be enough.

Basil was relieved when he glanced outside. The sun was rising. Soon... peace.

-

What would he do? Basil wanted to go early, but despite the voice telling him to, he forced it down. When he was like this, manic, he was more in control. In a way. The depression, the anxiety, the stranger, the something; it's words were a consideration instead of a demand. This felt like him, even though it wasn't. He wasn't even sure there was a "him" anymore. And that's what Basil did with his day. Laying on the dock, pencil box by his side, examining his reflection.

"Sunnyyyy... why don't you like me? Look! I have freckles! Those are cute. My hair is fluffy. I have pretty eyes. What's so wrong? If you want me to be normal, I can just pretend." Basil paused. Oh. Disassociating. It was frequent, but was generally unpleasant. At least it was a decent view, even if it blurred and lasted for what felt like way too long.

Basil glanced at himself again, snapping back to reality. He knew he didn't look the best, but not the worst, either. He still hated his body a lot of the time. Just a little too much of his hips stuck out. He was too thin, but gaining weight would make him curvier. No muscles to speak of. Well, they were there, but it wasn't like he could see them. He kind of liked the scars. Sure, he'd never be able to go swimming properly, but if he was damaged and ugly it meant that he wouldn't grab him or try to-

Basil didn't want to remember that. The eyes were back. He couldn't look anymore. He rolled to his back, sitting up. Might as well cut. Normally, he'd be paranoid about someone showing up, but no one had in the last couple weeks. It was hard to even find the place. He rolled up the leg of his shorts, looking over his scars. That one spot on the outside was mostly faded. There. He opened up the pencil box. It was time for the new ones. Every time he found something sharper, he didn't use the duller blades. The boxcutter he used to love just sat there, unused. The fascination with the pain, blades, and blood was something he didn't understand or try to battle anymore.

🩸start

Basil opened up the box, sliding one out. Wrapped neatly in paper. He wondered how people could buy and look at these without even having the thought of putting it to their skin. He opened it, looking through the gap in the blade at the sky.

"Do you do this stuff too, Sunny? I know you like knives." He put the tip against where he wanted the first cut, gliding lightly. Sharp, but not nearly deep enough. Basil pushed it in harder, pulling it to the side quickly, hissing in pain before relaxing. These were very good blades. He paused, feeling blood drip down. Faster than usual. Basil looked.

"Shit-" Panic. He went through a vein. He'd only grazed them before, which already bled for longer and more than he wanted. Basil grabbed one of the paper wrapped pieces of gauze, fumbling while trying to open it. He dropped it through a crack in the dock. Great. Now he had littered. He grabbed another one, opening it successfully and pressing down on it. He paused, trying to process what he just did. Should he go to the hospital? There was already almost a full cup of blood pooled on the wood. He stared at the picnic blanket.

"Mari... I'm glad you're not here for this." Basil sighed, lifting it up for a second. Still bleeding way too much. He had to do something else. This wasn't when or where he wanted it to happen.

"...so, what do you wanna do this weekend?" Basil looked up. That was Aubrey. He had no idea how she would react to this, and he didn't want to find that out. He closed up the pencil box, swiping the blood off the wood and into the cracks with his hand. It blended in, but if they sat or stepped there, they'd see it. Basil stood up, a bit dizzy, grabbing the box and limping quickly towards the picnic blanket, getting behind the bushes. Blood was all over his hands. He wiped them off on the grass, opening the box again to put on a second gauze. It was still bleeding too much.

"God, some dumbass spilled something all over the wood. Who's even coming back here? I'll punch them." Basil laughed quietly. They couldn't tell what it was? It was just Kim and Aubrey. If he tried, he was sure he could take them both in a fight. There was no reason to try that. He had to protect Sunny.

"It's okay. No one's here now. Let's just go over there." Basil was a bit curious. He'd only see them talk about ways to torment him before now. He snuck back a bit further as they came to the blanket.

"So... you said you wanna talk about your old friends?" Oh no. No, no, no- Basil didn't want to hear this. He couldn't move. Moving would cause more bleeding. He still didn't want to die here.

"Yeah. You know about Basil, but... there's a couple others. Kel of course, and Hero, who's his brother, then Mari. I don't know if you remember but... there was another boy. Black hair, quiet, shy..." Basil felt the anger rising already. He wanted to grab her neck and squeeze until she would shut up and take back all the words. He wanted her to shut up about Sunny, about how Basil was never going to be right for him, and why he was the worst thing in everyone's lives. She had no idea what him or Sunny were dealing with, and she just wouldn't stop. Basil just couldn't take it. He knew his head exaggerated, but hearing it from someone else was different. He turned on his side, letting gravity hold the gauze down. He wanted the noise to stop. His hands moved to his ears.

"... I had a crush on him." Basil gripped at his hair, pulling. Pain. Anything but hearing this again. How Sunny would never like him. How Aubrey was the one he liked. She was a monster. He was one too. He was worse.

"Basil liked him too. But like with me, Sunny didn't show much back." Basil propped himself up, grabbing the box again. He opened it, hand shaking. Bloody fingerprints stuck on the plastic. He hurried to grab the blade, laying back down. He felt weak, physically. He pulled up the other leg of his shorts, putting down the tip between two scars.

"I still care about him, and even if my actions have shown otherwise, I also still care about Basil. He used to be my best friend. He's actually really nice... but, I just can't forgive what he did. I want to, but I can't." Basil's hand shook, feeling the blade digging into his skin. He lifted it away.

🩸 end

"I'm just... always so angry. At my parents, at my friends, at the world... even at God. Why do I have to live like this? Why did I have to deal with everything? I was barely 12." Dizzy. Weak.

"No one knows how bad it is."

Basil blacked out.

-
❌ start

A house saturated in dark blue light, orange and yellow sunlight leaking through cracks of blinds, the dim blue light of a tv. Everything was so large.

"Basil?" He remembered the tears. He was wearing it again. He didn't want to make her more upset.

"Yes?" He would do it anyways. Saying no meant nothing.

"Come here." Basil went to the couch, pulling himself on it and turning to face forward. He didn't want to look, blurring out the noises from the tv. He didn't like these weird movies Dad liked. He didn't like the dark. He didn't like the dress. He sobbed quietly, flinching at a hand on his shoulder, pulling him closer. Every instinct told him to run. Where would he go? There was no one else.

"You're so cute, even when you cry. Here, let me help you feel better." Basil shook his head, freezing up as he was pulled to sit on him. Eyes watching, hand moving down...

"It's okay. Everything is going to be okay."

❌end
-
🩸start

"NO!!" Basil's eyes opened to a pink sky and a stiff back. He almost thought he was in heaven, but looking down at all of his stuff in the same place, it felt like hell. There was a weird feeling of dread and pain in his chest, but he couldn't remember what had happened. He forced himself to sit up, stretching, looking down at the large cut on his leg.

The gauze was soaked, but it wasn't dripping anymore. He grabbed a new one, lifting the soaked one off slowly. Huh. This was the deepest he'd went. That was... muscle? No. He looked it up in an anatomy book. Epidermis, dermis, fat... fascia. Then muscle. Still the deepest. Basil couldn't do this again, not this deep. He looked at his hands. Covered in blood. He had to wash everything off. He propped himself up slowly, groaning as he stood. Definitely the most painful cut, too.

Basil walked over to the dock awkwardly, reaching down carefully to get the water on his hands. When he was manic, he liked smearing it around on the floor. He didn't get why, but it never fully dried like this. He glanced in the water. It was there again. Staring at him, constantly. He didn't like seeing it, even if it always watched him. He was the stranger again, too.

Basil shook it off, splashing the water on his leg, dripping watery red-orange liquid on the wood. It burned, but at least it wasn't as bad as alcohol. He had to disinfect it now. He'd found an antiseptic that didn't burn as much as peroxide, but it still hurt. He put the gauze back, pulling his shorts back over it. He hated the wrap, since it fell down easy, but it kept it held down the best. He left it in the box. Had to get it-

🩸end

"What the hell are you doing here?" Aubrey, with a bag of snacks. Basil looked away.

"Just... I don't know." He didn't have a good reason. And the truth was off limits. Aubrey dropped the bag, walking up to him. He couldn't back up, and he couldn't leave. He begged internally to not be pushed in. Drowning was scary and painful. Death was in general, but there was a way he wanted it. Drowning wasn't it.

"I don't get you! We can hit you, insult you, over and over, yet you never leave! You never fight back! What the hell is wrong with you?" Basil froze. Darkness crept in the corners of his vision. Something was surrounding him.

"Again! You just sit there!" Combative and contradicting thoughts filled his mind. Basil scrunched in on himself. He always felt trapped in eternal dark nothingness, with nothing but the overwhelming whispers in his head to talk to.

I can't. I don't want to.
I have to protect him. I don't like this.
I'm sorry. I hate you.
I miss the real you. I want to fight.
I'm not allowed to fight. You don't know anything. You know why I'm like this.
I'm worthless. I hate myself.
I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know. I'm too tired. I don't care. It doesn't matter. nothing matters

nothing
matters

Basil was kicked back into the real world as Aubrey tapped his thigh in the wrong spot with her bat, just a bit too hard, one of the nails scraping against a bit of exposed tissue. His breathing was already unsteady, but he choked on what was in his throat, whimpering.

"You're such a coward. You don't even try. Get out of here, now, or I'll drag you out." Basil shook his head. He couldn't move. It hurt too much. He was close to fainting again. He was scared. He just wanted to be left alone to rot and bleed out. That was easiest for everyone.

🩸start

"Fine." Aubrey grabbed one of his wrists, which Basil pulled back. He didn't like anyone touching him anymore. Aubrey reached and grabbed again higher up, firmer, pulling. Basil had weak wrists from doing so much with his hands. Gardening, writing, sewing; all small movements which wore down the cartilage. It didn't dislocate or break, but the bones popped uncomfortably. The wood scrapped his knees. He was back to crying at the grass, trying to get his arm free. Struggling caused him to turn to the side, making his cut rip wider as his skin was pulled. Agony. Every nerve screamed, like red-hot metal put to ice.

"STOP!! I'LL GO!!" Aubrey paused for a second before letting go, grinning at him smugly.

"There you go. See buddy? Not so hard, is it?" Basil trembled, trying to stand up. Blood was pouring out again, slower than before, but enough to make him nauseous again. Aubrey kicked him in the stomach, not even that hard, but it made him fall over. The intense pain from before made it barely register in Basil's brain. He winced before getting up again, putting his hand in his pocket to try to hold his leg together, starting to limp away.

"Don't come back here." Basil knew he wouldn't. He'd have to come back to get the blades to kill himself, but being kicked and insulted wouldn't matter if he was going to do it. He stopped at the bushes, looking at his leg. Even Basil was a bit grossed out by it, seeing where it ripped unevenly. He was glad his shorts were somewhat dark, due to the blood. He had to get home still. There was no way he could walk like this without it dripping everywhere. He made the poor decision to only wear his button up shirt today because of the heat, meaning he couldn't just put it there. Too big, too. Three more options.
🩸end

1. Deal with it.
2. Get help.
2. Socks.

Socks.

Still a bad option, but Polly was expecting him to be home before sunset. He'd have to sneak in and hurry back, though. Basil sat next to a bush, taking his shoes and socks off. He was stupid to cut on the bottom of his legs, but most people never saw them. It had been awhile. There were still scars. He just had to avoid anyone that got near him, which wasn't that many people. No one really talked to him. He folded one and put it on top of the gauze, tying the other around to hold it together. The cut was almost the size of his hand. He'd have to find some way to close it up. For now, he had to get home. He pulled on his shoes, getting up. Still hurt like hell.

Basil peaked out of the bushes. Looked okay. Just that apple guy. He didn't talk to him. The older homeless man was sleeping in the grass. He could avoid the rest of the park by staying close to the edges of the fences. He stayed near the old guy, walking down, going past the vending machines. Basil was starting to feel the pain again. It was almost worse than the emotional pain. Almost. He glanced around. Seems clear. He walked out to the sidewalk.

"Hey Basil!!" Oh god dammit Kel not now I swear to god-

"H-hello... Kel..." He ran over, sweaty and with his basketball. Basil wanted to know how he could sense when something bad was happening. Maybe he could avoid it himself if he knew the secret. A lot of the last few years would have been better for everyone.

"How's it going?" Basil shrugged. He needed to go. If he stayed too long, he'd look down and see his legs. He still had to walk all the way down the street.

"Shrug? I hope that means 'okay.' Anyways, I gotta go. I'm playing a game against Jay right now. See ya." Basil nodded, Kel running back towards the basketball court. He hated that. He needed to stop doing this shit, but there was always the contradiction between "if someone sees it fresh you'll be in trouble. no more freedom." and "it doesn't matter if they see it. you can just die to get out of it". Neither of which Basil knew were healthy to think, but he couldn't stop it. He hurried across the street, slowing down for the rest of it as his leg burned.

Basil got to the corner of his street eventually, looking at the house. He didn't want to go back. Grandma would be safe with Polly until she passed. Basil didn't think he would get into heaven, but he wanted to be with her how she actually was. Witty but fun, stern but kindhearted, sarcastic but gentle. Not the husk that sat in that room.

"Basil!! Are you coming? Diner's ready!" He looked at Polly, peaking her head out the door, looking around. Probably should say goodbye. Make sure she knows it isn't her fault. It would be a lot easier if he did it tonight. Say goodbye to Sunny, go to the hangout, and then... gone. He waited until she sighed, going back in, to head behind the house.

"There you are! Come on, you've been gone for hours now." Basil froze, slumping down in defeat. She'd see his legs. He could lie. Say they're old. Just had to deal with the top part. He went up to the door. Her back was turned. He hurried to the hallway.

"Where are you going, Basil? Dinner's ready. You need something to eat. I know you skipped lunch, since you didn't come back earlier. Come on, I know you like Grandma's meatball recipe. Made with fresh tofu!" Basil had to deal with it. He couldn't wait.

"I um... I need to do s-something first." Polly sighed in disappointment.

"Please don't lock yourself in your room again... I can give you some to eat in there if you want, I just want to make sure you're taken care of." Is that because it's your job or because you actually care? Basil always thought that when she showed any concern or love. He couldn't figure it out and wouldn't ask.

"I'll get some in a bit. I just have to do something, okay?" The blood was dripping down again.

🩸start

"Okay. Just hurry. I'm sure you don't want cold pasta." Basil nodded, hurrying into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He hid it well in here. He opened the cabinet under the sink, feeling around for the bottle. There it was. Antiseptic. On the other side, a bag full of more gauze and blades, if he couldn't get his box from his room due to Polly being in the living room. And some of the more... experimental things.

A stapler, a lighter, and most importantly, a needle and thread.

He looked at the items. How had his life come to this?

Basil got in the bathtub, pulling his clothes out the way. Despite being scared, he knew how to do this, vaguely. He saw a few random documentaries on tv about certain types of surgery. Stitches wouldn't be that hard. He could sew. Just had to get through the pain. He unwrapped it. Blood dripped into the tub. Needed to compress it. He used the socks, holding down for a couple minutes, lifting it up to check. It stopped bleeding.

If he overthought the next part, it would be worse. He opened the cap to the bottle, biting down on his shirt. He closed his eyes, splashing it on himself. Basil yelled into it, stifling it as quick as he could. If pain was red hot, this was pure acid. On shallow ones, it barely hurt, but on this, he could barely handle it. The pain slowly ended, Basil loosening up. He wanted to be asleep, but he didn't want nightmares. He didn't want to feel anything, and he didn't want to be hollow. Just a few hours... true nothingness.

Basil opened up the bag. The blades in it sucked. The stapler didn't leave big enough marks, burning himself with the lighter left ugly scars that faded quickly, and he didn't have the will to stab through himself with the needle. He didn't have a choice now. It was this or a hospital visit, which would quickly turn into a mental hospital stay, possibly permanent.

Basil poured the liquid over the needle and thread, shaking the excess off, wetting his hands with more of the antiseptic. He put the end near the beginning of the cut, pushing it in a bit. He still didn't want to do this. He had to. If he didn't, he'd never see Sunny again. Tonight, and it would be over. It was just temporary. Just some pain. He had to do it.

Just some pain, for Sunny.

Basil pushed harder, breath catching in his throat as the needle pushed through the first two layers of his skin. The feeling and sight of the needle stabbing through made Basil sick to his stomach. For Sunny. He pushed harder, whimpering as it went through the other side. For Sunny. He pulled it through, whimpering again as the eye of the needle ripped the freshly made hole wider. For Sunny. Basil pulled the thread most of the way, unable to feel it anymore, leaving a couple inches. He had to go through the other side now.

This pain... everything... every cut, punch, slap, kick, negative feeling... it would be rewarded. He'd finally see him tonight. Basil brought the needle to the inside of the cut. One every half centimeter apart seemed right. He estimated it, counting down the length of the cut.

20 stitches.

"For Sunny."

🩸end
-

Saying Basil was exhausted was an understatement. He could barely think or move, staring blankly at the plate of pasta in front of him. It didn't feel real. Nothing did. His life felt like a crappy game. Was he an interesting character? Was this for something? He wouldn't be some advocate or leader for mental health after all this. People like him didn't become inspirational. They rotted in jail, asylums, and homeless shelters. He'd be dead in a ditch in his 20's regardless of what happened from now on.

"So... any plans for summer?" He shrugged. Everything hurt. He could barely stay sitting up. After a few stitches, the pain barely registered, but his body felt it. It felt surreal seeing the thread in his skin.

"I heard there was a summer camp up past the foothills. Probably a lot of interesting plants up there in the mountains, huh?" Basil looked away, propping his head up with his elbow.

"I don't like those. T-too crowded..." He had his reasons.

"Okay, well... what about school? Summer school is something if you're bored." Basil shrugged. He just had to eat to make it to Sunny's. Tonight was the night. He couldn't put it off longer. The stress was eating at him more than ever. He had to eat. He'd already almost passed out again twice, and did earlier. Basil took a bite of the pasta, instantly wanting to spit it out. Even though she followed recipes, Polly's cooking never came close to his grandmas, despite using the same ingredients. He didn't understand it.

Polly stayed quiet for most of the time Basil forced down his food. He sat at the table for a bit afterwards, spacing out, before going back to his room. He had to prepare for this.

The note.

Basil looked at the paper of his notebook. He almost couldn't think with the pain from his leg. Keep it simple? Say he was sorry? Say something simple and snarky like "later"? He didn't know.

Hi,
if you're reading this, then you probably know what happened. I'm dead. I don't know when or where quite yet, but there's a few things I want to say to you.

Sunny. I don't know how I feel anymore. About you, or most of the things in my life. You know a lot, but not everything. I don't even know everything about me. I want to say a lot, but I just can't put it into words. I'm angry; you haven't talked to me for years. You know how much I care about people, and especially you. To just leave after what happened really hurts. I know it's not like you to do that. You always used to help me, and I'd help you too. You somehow understood me, even when you really couldn't. Something about you being there helped me in a way I couldn't describe. But you're gone now. And now, I'm gone.

Basil sighed, putting the pencil down. He had a few tears forming in his eyes, but this was nothing like the couple notes he'd written before. Desperately apologizing, yelling at him through writing, weird manic rants of how much he loved him and missed him... thrown away without a second glance.

Basil couldn't wait anymore to do this. He was really, really tired, deep in his soul. Nothing he'd tried fixed or helped. Right now though... he was exhausted. The sun would still be out for a bit. If he fell asleep with it, he wouldn't be scared later. Sunny also liked to stay up late. Some rest would help. Basil put the notebook down on the floor, laying down and staring at the wall. He felt oddly at peace. There was a lot of anxiety still, fears of what could happen, but he knew what he'd be doing for once.

One final goodbye.

-

"Mom?"

"Yes, Basil?"

"Why do I have to wear this?"

"You know your dad doesn't like it when you don't."

"I don't like it either, though."

"It'll be okay. I'm working on fixing things."

"Okay..."

-

Basil was back in that office from a long time ago, with the sequin pillows. He was alone. Ugh... bow clip. He took it off, putting it on the couch next to him. They hurt his hair. He was waiting for someone, right? Just would take awhile.

"I'm telling you, you need to go to the hospital. There's something wrong with you to do this to yourself over and over again. Don't you know it hurts me, too?"

❌start

"Hurts you? I'm the one that has to deal with this! Why do you keep doing these things to Basil? Even if you don't understand it, we need to support her. And don't think I don't know about that hole in the bathroom, or the videos, or whatever other horrible shit you do. I know something is wrong with me, but what the hell is that? She's 4! She's your daughter!"

Basil was sick of being called that. He wished they wouldn't fight near him.

"How do you know what's right and wrong? You let her see your arms all the time! I'm just trying to show her what helped me. Aren't you doing the same thing?"

Stop.

"You know what happened to me. You have no right to say any of that. You're making everything worse! And I can't do anything about it! No one believes the crazy woman with scars on her arms, they believe the 'upstanding business man' that molests his child!"

"How do I know you haven't done the same things to her?"

Something cracked.

"WHAT?! You- I can't- I can't believe I trusted you. I can't... do this anymore. I'm taking Basil to mom's. If you try to take her, or hurt her, or whatever other sick shit you think of, I swear, I will fucking kill you."

Silence. Basil closed his eyes, holding the bow in his hand. A light switch flipped. He opened them, in the deer office. He looked down. Grandma's flower. Red marks in his palms. He stood, turning to the door. In its place was a mirror. A dark silhouette with white eyes looked back at him.

"You wanted to know." Tears fell down.

"I didn't. I thought I did... but I don't want to anymore. Please. Undo it. Make it go away. When I wake up... there's no hope. There's nothing left for me. I'm going to die... I don't want that. This will just make things worse." Basil kneeled to the floor, sobbing. The strangers hand reached out, holding his face. Basil looked in its eyes.

❌end

"You need to know this, as painful as it is. You can't understand why or how to save yourself without it." Basil looked down at his legs, opening his hand. The clip was back in his hair. He pulled up his shorts. Scarred. He was alone in a black room, doors all around. Basil was too scared to move.

"Please... I don't want to be alone." The strangers eyes appeared in front of him.

"You're not alone, right? Your best friend is right behind you." Basil smiled, turning, before being grabbed by the neck. He reached to pull the hands off, but he was too weak. He was pushed into the ground, the darkness-shrouded Sunny overpowering him. He looked up, something following behind the stranger.

"Suffocating, isn't it? How do you think he feels, having you swarming him all the time? When do you think about him? You just want someone to hurt, just how he hurt you." Basil struggled, turning over, kicking him back. Pain in his leg forced him to lay back down, whining at it.

"Hurting yourself isn't working. Is that it? You want someone to abuse you? Suffering is the only thing that makes sense. Aubrey isn't who you want it from, though." The Sunny kicked Basil in the stomach, hard. Basil choked as the air was forced out of his lungs.

"You want to suffer. It's what you deserve." Basil hyperventilated for a bit, waiting for the next kick, but it didn't come. He sat up, feeling the negativity coming from the counterpart.

"You're wrong. You're wrong! I don't want this! It's all I know how to do! I know what I did was wrong, I know that how I feel about Sunny is wrong, but do you blame me? Everyone in my life leaves! Why wouldn't I want him close to me? He's the only one who knows everything! He's the only one who loves me!" The stranger narrowed its eyes.

"People leave because of this. Excuses, over and over again. Why don't you just do it? You don't need to see him. It will just hurt and scare him again." Basil curled up, pulling his hair. The Sunny disappeared.

"He'll never know how I feel if I don't. I need this." Something curled around him.

"You don't. It's scary. I need to say these things so you realize how bad they are. I'm you, too, and so is he." One of the doors opened up. Basil felt the stranger pick him up on his back, carrying him through the door. He felt exhausted.

This place... Basil barely remembered it. Past the upscale house with marble pillars and a distant shoreline, it all blurred to white.

"See why I didn't bring you here last time? You got an ouchie!" Basil looked. Grandma's arms. She looked full of life. He looked full of life, although a bit upset. He didn't even have pictures of himself at this age. He could feel her holding him, despite the shadowy manifestation of himself holding him in a different way.

"It's not your fault. The shore is really rocky. Anna- or, your mama didn't really want to come. Swimming is hard for her. Your... dad pushed for it. He likes this place, even if I don't get it. It's a nice day, though, even if it's too cold to swim." Basil was confused. He didn't remember past this. Just the beach, the way her hat looked and dress flowed, how he felt being held, and the rocky black cliff that led to the beach.

"I know you don't understand all this... but you will someday." Basil was a bit startled as she looked at him, followed by himself.

"Be nicer to yourself, okay?" Basil was startled as wind blew past, turning the surroundings into black sand, putting him back in the black room. The stranger put him down. The pain was gone.

"When you wake up, I don't know what will happen. There's me, there's you, there's that baby, and then there's... well, you'll see." Basil looked at him, confused, before he faded back into the surroundings. He didn't know what to think or feel. Well... lonely was right. But... how would he wake up? Explore? Maybe he could remember more.

🩸start

Basil felt a sudden pit in his chest, like he was falling, as the room changed. Red, black, pink, and yellow streaks of pixels became the surroundings, walking on an invisible floor. There was nothing around, just a stranger in the distance. Basil walked closer. They weren't covered in the darkness like the others. Closer. He saw blood spread across the floor in smears and smudges. Drawings. Trees, stick figures, animals, flowers... he recognized these. The person in front of him twitched. Basil touched their shoulder. They turned. It was himself, clearly, but...

"Oh! Hello! I was waiting for you! Look what I made for him! Isn't it so pretty? Oh wait, I missed a spot." A canvas with a basic painting of Sunny's face looked at him, along with maniacal, bright blue eyes, long messy hair, and a slew of open wounds along the entire surface of his arms. He turned back to the area in front of him, digging his nails into the veins through a large, open cut on his wrist. Basil flinched, stepping back, as blood sprayed out. The other version of himself kept a smile, watching it flow out, completely covering the canvas. Basil felt nauseous.

"It's so pretty, isn't it? Humans are so fragile... one bite in the wrong spot from a dog, and you could bleed out in seconds! Oh, watch this-" Basil shook his head as he pulled the skin farther back, the blood moving from a spray to a waterfall, pooling on the floor. He moved, pulling down on a tendon. One of his fingers curled.

"It works like that! It's so cool. Well... back to work." He grabbed a basic kitchen knife from the floor, moving his legs out. Mangled.

"I'm gonna need more to finish this area. Just come back a bit later, then you can take it over to Sunny! I love him so much... he'll love this, too. He loves me no matter what! If he doesn't want to talk, I can just do this until I feel better. It always works." Basil froze in shock. It was one of the most grotesque things he'd ever seen. He waited, unsure of what to do or where to go, seeing the version of himself sliding his hands in the blood.

"You should try it! It's fun. It only hurts for a little bit, but look at how pretty the red is. Red, white, yellow... well, now it's to blue, but it takes a bit to get there. You'll feel a lot better. It's not that bad. Just-" Basil looked. He stood up, holding the knife to the side. He backed up farther. The other Basil walked a few steps closer until Basil hit a wall.

"I won't hurt you! It's okay! I only like hurting one person, and that's me. I just want to show you something." Basil shook his head. He knew what it was.

He plunged the knife into his stomach, grinning. Basil reached out, but pulled himself back. There was no helping him.

"Ow- then-" The knife went to the side, barely. His shirt ripped.

"Dull. But I can do multiple swipes! Hurts more, but it's easier to control." He pulled harder, blood seeping out, before sawing it back and forth.

"STOP! Don't do it!" He merely looked up.

"I don't want to. I don't need to. It's fun!" He pulled sharply, blood coating the floor. The excited, ravenous, near insane facial expression turned blank, as he slowly went limp, falling forward to the ground. Basil looked down, covering his mouth.

"Oh my god-"

🩸end

Back to black. Basil stared ahead, feeling nauseous. That was a bit much, even for what he was used to.

"That's the part I was talking about. I don't why he exists, or how he contributes to you, but it's clear he's bad for you. He messes with me sometimes, too. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm here to protect you. I don't want you to die. While you want to die to escape everything, he just wants to see what happens. While you care about Sunny, he just wants him to himself. It's a sick activity he enjoys. He doesn't care about you." Basil was a bit confused, but nodded. The stranger stood behind him, putting his arms around his shoulders.

"I mean it. You're important. All human lives are, even if you feel like you're useless. You'll find your purpose eventually, but you won't know what it is if you just give up. Okay?" Basil nodded again, tearing up, as the room dissolved to white. A small and brief pain enveloped him, vision turning dark.

-

"Ow- shit..." Basil turned to his back, opening his eyes to a blue ceiling. He couldn't even process what just happened. He remembered it, but what for? How did that matter? It was just a bunch of random crap his brain made. Yet, it felt so... alive. More alive than when he was awake. He could feel things. Mostly negative in there, but awake, his head was mostly noise. Static that roared endlessly about what he was doing wrong and how awful he was. Fear. That was it. He was scared all the time. Of the future, himself, his past, even his present.

Basil stared a bit longer. The mania was gone. He felt oddly peaceful, but knew it wouldn't last. It never did. Usually when it was dark, he hallucinated bits of what happened almost constantly, but nothing was around. Just his room.

After a few minutes, Basil decided he wouldn't be able to sleep for awhile after that. Just too much to feel about it. But... Sunny...

No. I told you. Don't. You know it's a bad idea.

Basil sighed.

"He needs to know how I feel." Basil reached down to the wound on his leg. It surprisingly didn't hurt that much when he touched it, but laying on it hurt. Badly. He turned over, getting up, avoiding looking outside. He went to turn on the light, moving to his bookshelf. He hadn't read in almost a year. They just looked nice.

"All of my good memories are gone. I can't... all I remember is the beach, and how badly I miss the other good times." Basil grabbed one of the sketchbooks. He'd drawn Sunny less and less over time. He improved with drawing, close to being able to draw realistically, but he didn't remember what he looked like. Even his secret pictures of Sunny got taken by Aubrey, burned in a book in the school parking lot. That was the only time he cried for real in front of her, well, until today.

Breaking into his house was a bad idea. Such a bad idea. There was only one more way to see him again. Basil had to get his photo album back. If he explained the truth about Sunny being the one to mess it up, Aubrey would believe him. If she didn't, he could take it. He didn't want to resort to that, but this was his last hope. There was a way he could be happy, but it had been so long, he needed proof to remember it.

Basil went to his camera. He hadn't taken a picture since before Grandma last got back from the hospital, almost unresponsive. That was the final breaking point for him. After she died, he truly would have no one.

Basil went to one of his plants, gently touching its leaf. He still wished he was one of them. So much more simple. Water, soil, and the right amount of sun.

Basil had no sun. He had no happiness. And he had no idea how to fix it.

Maybe, maybe something would change, but he still didn't know what to do. Should he just do it? Save having to figure it all out? There were only three days after this. Well... he could extend it... but he didn't want to. He never made his own choices. This was one he got to have.

For now, he just had to wait a few hours.

Chapter Text

3 DAYS LEFT

Basil didn't know how to feel.

He didn't what to feel.

Hatred for the present, anxiety about the future, and regrets of the past were the only things that he felt on a regular basis. The rest were all fakes.

"Oh, good morning Basil! I'm surprised you're up so early. Are you cooking?" She had to have smelled it. She wants you to show you have energy for once and that you can actually talk. Just be cheery about it.

"Just some scrambled eggs with mushrooms! Do you want some?" Basil smiled at her. He never cooked. Notice something's wrong.

"Um... sure. Just a little bit, though." Of course she didn't.Basil nodded, pouring out a bit onto a paper plate. The heat was too high. The handle was burning his palm. Just a little to distract him. He glanced at Polly. She was in her nightgown, just woke up, but still looked presentable, looking through a magazine.

He looked back to the pan.

Basil moved it to his other hand, lowering his wrist to the edge. He jumped and pulled it away quickly as it made brief contact, but quickly put it back, hovering it close, tensing up at the slight pain. He put the pan down, looking. Just a slight red patch. It stung a lot more than cutting. He already missed it. His blades weren't around. He didn't like those old ones.

There are knives.

"So, soup and salad tonight?"

She'd notice the knives if she had to cut stuff up.

"Mhm." Basil didn't want to talk. He didn't want to fake it anymore. He grabbed a second plate and divided the eggs up, turning on the sink. He looked at the water hitting the pan, boiling and hissing before going quiet. That was how it felt. Calm, panic, calm. Until it inevitably gets heated back up and used again.

Basil flinched away as Polly came over, grabbing silverware out of a drawer. He swirled the water in the pan with his right hand, holding down his left one. She didn't notice, taking the plates to the table. He'd have to tell her for her to help him. Basil didn't want to do that. He didn't want therapy appointments, med switches, hospitals... the label of "crazy". Still, he didn't care about her. He should. She did a lot for him. He appreciated the time and work, but he couldn't care about anyone other than his grandma and Sunny, and even they were questionable.

Basil forced himself to stop thinking. He had to talk to Polly.

"So... um..."

"What was that, Basil?"

"N-never mind..."

Quiet again.

"These are pretty good. You should cook more often! No pressure, though."

Mari and Hero did that. Not him. He burned them, they were flat, and he forgot to put salt in them.

Shrug.

"Okay... any plans for today?"

Basil looked toward the floor.

"Just the p-park." She nodded, looking away. Even for them this was awkward.

He should just say it.

Polly, I know I haven't talked to you much, and I know you're not my parent, but I need serious help. If you don't take me somewhere safe I will end up killing myself. Thinking that made him tear up. His life was so sad but he didn’t deserve pity or help.

"Um... Polly-" She looked up. Basil saw a brief flash. Long hair and an eye.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-

"Something wrong?" Everything was.

"N-no... just- thank you." She looked confused.

"Wha-"

"My grandma needed someone to take care if her. Thank you for doing a good j-job-" His voice cracked towards the end. Basil couldn't say it.

"Well... of course. Helping people is what I do. Or try to...” She glanced at him quickly. Basil looked down, nodding slightly. Did she try to help him? Didn't feel that way. He should probably eat it. Still exhausted; no sleep and a huge wound on his leg had to wear down his body. Basil hesitantly took a bite. He didn't like food. It felt like taking care of himself, and he didn't deserve that. It didn't taste like anything. Well, eggs were a bit bland by themselves. Either way, he got them down, rinsing everything off and hurrying back to his room.

Basil took a deep breath against his door, looking down at the floor. He didn't know what to do, but had a leaning towards the wrong option. He really wanted to have his photo album back to see his friends one last time. Back when he was happy. Just proof that his life wasn't a complete waste before he ended it. He had to talk to Aubrey, though. Just needed some protection if things went bad. He couldn't take many more injuries, self inflicted or not.

Basil looked towards his plants. Polly wouldn't notice those missing.

-

Anxious was an understatement. Basil was terrified. He hadn't even tried to talk to Aubrey since she took his photo album from him. She was always yelling at him. She had her posse of bullies to protect her and shut Basil up if they wanted, so he just tried to bore them. Took awhile, but it worked, mostly. They didn't hit him anymore, but they still insulted him, broke his things, and ruined his day more than he could ruin it himself. And now, he had to face the idea of it becoming worse again.

Either way, he'd already grabbed his shears and headed outside. Already noon, so they were probably all at the park. Basil had an odd nostalgia for the summer. He remembered and cared about the time he'd spent with his friends, and before they came along, with his grandma, but there was always an odd heavinesses that the beating sun placed upon his shoulders. Tiring. It just reminded him of a light he could never enjoy.

He didn't deserve to see the sun.

Basil stopped at the end of the street, looking at the park. Kim was by the entrance, probably to block him from going back to the pond. Basil hated her. The others stopped hitting him after enough time, but she still did, just less often. He was terrified. What if she kicked his stitches? Ripped them out? Basil changed his mind. He could just use a knife and stab himself to get to veins, it would be slower and harder but he wanted to do it in a certain way and-

"Hey, freak! What are you staring at?" Basil froze, reaching his hand into his pocket. They weren't the sharpest, but would be plenty to drive them away. He had to force his legs to move, crossing the street. Avoiding limping was hard.

"I... I n-need to talk to A-Aubrey. It's- the pictures-" She already looked mad.

"Why? You don't need those! You destroyed them!" Basil looked down.

"Please- you don't get it-"

"Alright, fine. I'll screw off." She turned towards the park, riding her scooter away. Basil looked down. This was pointless. He looked up at the sun, squinting. Hoping was too much for him. He should have died years ago. He should have died instead of Mari. He shouldn't have been born.

Just a few hours and he could undo it. He had to see his pictures. That was the only proof he was good in anyone's life. Basil knew he messed up horribly, he just wanted to know he at least did something good, even if it was completely destroyed now.

Basil hurried after Kim. His leg still hurt like hell.

"Wait, don't go! Please!"

Chapter Text

Kim turned her back to him, ready to scoot off.

"Sorry, dude. I can't help you. You're on your own!" Basil felt his heart sink to the bottom of his chest. He couldn't talk to Aubrey by himself. He remembered when Kim actually stood up to protect him from that older boy. And now she didn't care. No one cared about him. He didn't blame them.

"This ain't none of my business. If you got beef with her, then talk to her yourself, you creep!" Basil smiled a bit. She didn't know the half of it. But...

"I'm begging you. Just ask her to give it back. She won't listen to me..." Basil didn't even try. He gave up after the first couple months Aubrey had it. He just wanted to keep his head down and not hurt her anymore than he already did.

"Wait... is that...?" Basil turned.

"That's Basil! Leave him alone, you bully!" Kel please don't you don't understand this isn't when I need you-

Black hair. Blue vest. Tan shorts.

"Huh? Who's there?"

He was immediately shrouded in darkness. Basil almost thought he was real for a moment. Of course not. There was no way Sunny would come out again. This was the most vivid hallucination he had of him, though. Maybe once this was over he could talk to his hallucination, even if it was just his brain being messed up.

"Oh, it's just Kel... ugh." Basil knew it.

"Why don't you mind your own business?" Basil agreed. He would just apologize and leave but Kel would get in the way.

Don't you want someone to help you?

Basil glanced back to the stranger.

Not like this, you don't.

"Well, why don't you go bother someone else, Kim?" She flipped her hair away.

"Psh. Well, aren't you acting all high and mighty? You don't make the rules around here!" Basil understood Kel, but Kim was right. Aubrey did.

"WHAT'S GOIN' ON OVER THERE!?" Basil shrunk in on himself. He didn't want Kel to get hurt. He turned back to face him. It still looked so much like Sunny... but he'd be taller now. He'd look like himself. There'd be no way that he'd... save Basil? Despite all of the people who tormented him inching closer, Basil fantasized about it. Sunny, coming back to help him. He'd scare off Aubrey, then they'd run off, living together happily... that thing wouldn't follow them too far, right? It was just here. Sunny likely just needed to get away, but Basil had to go with him. Without him, there was no hope.

"Oh, hey Aubrey... this nerd Kel just showed up and thinks he can boss me around! Let's show him what's what!" Basil reached for his pocket. Kel didn't do anything to deserve this. This wasn't fair. If he didn't come to the park, this wouldn't of happened.

"Kel, what do you want?" Basil gripped the handle. Just wait. If she didn't attack, if she changed her mind, he'd be okay.

"Stop messing with Basil! How could you? We all used to be friends, don't you remember? Tell her, Sunny!" Basil furrowed his eyebrows, letting go. He... he just said that. But... the darkness wasn't going away. He just misheard.

"Sunny's here?" He was really mishearing things now. Maybe he was still asleep. But those eyes felt so real. It felt real; the eyes looking through him. Was Basil the fake one?

"Wow, it really is you. It's been awhile, but you haven't changed a bit." Basil put his hand back into his pocket, digging his nails into his thigh. It hurt. It hurt so much.

"How many years has it been since you left your house? Three years? Maybe four? Must be nice to live in your own little bubble."

This was real.

Sunny was right there.

Basil imagined it in so many ways. A note in his mailbox, a knock on his window at an odd hour, suddenly at school... but not like this.

Just a random day?

Why wasn't the shadow leaving his face?

"Watch it, Aubrey! You don't know what he's been through." Basil faintly thought. You don't know either. No one does. No one but me. That's why we're meant for each other.

"Hmph. Whatever..."

Basil would protect both of them. He could just put it on himself.

"Aubrey! Please... listen to me..." Basil looked to Sunny again, but quickly jumped back as Kim approached him. He couldn't avoid it. He couldn't run. He tried to turn, but Kim swiftly kicked him in the face. Basil fell down, wincing. He covered his face with his hands. He didn't want Sunny to see his pain.

What was the point of staying alive this whole time? This? Letting him see how weak you are? You never protected him. He protected you.

"Ugh... Sunny! C'mon! We've gotta do something!" His name still sent butterflies through Basil's stomach. He smiled behind his hands, peaking between his fingers.

"Haha... are you guys really picking a fight?" Aubrey's bat came forwards.

"Sure, why not? The two of you against me! How's that sound?" Basil's smile turned into a frown. He didn't want him to get hurt again. Never again.

"Come at me! I'll take on the both of you!" Basil moved his hands down. He needed to be ready if something went wrong.

Kel readied himself. Looks like he would throw his basketball. Sunny was looking at him, quietly thinking, before reaching into his pocket. Basil had to cover his mouth again as he saw a gleam of silver. He knew it.

The way he moved wasn't graceful in the slightest, just pulling out his knife and slicing stiffly at an angle, but Basil loved it. He wanted that knife. He needed it. The idea of Sunny's blade cutting into him felt right. He'd let Sunny kill him if he wanted. Basil just wanted to be close to him for a few seconds. His desire to suffer and die was stronger than his desire for Sunny, to Basil's displeasure. He wished Sunny was all he needed, but he wasn't.

"What the? Is... is that a knife?" Yes, it was! Basil quickly covered his face back up. He was smiling too hard. He wanted to see Aubrey bleed but at this angle it was too difficult. He didn't want to be weird.

"Aubrey! You're bleeding!" Heh, probably just a epidermis; maybe a dermis cut. Basil did those when he was bored. They itched too much. Aubrey may act tough, but Basil knew she was just sensitive and angry. If she experienced the cut he did she'd be screaming in pain. Speaking of which, his sitting position was pulling on the stitches quite tightly. Basil adjusted his leg, but froze, feeling one of the stitches rip through his leg, beginning to bleed. He couldn't help but whimper, making Aubrey turn and look at him. He moved his hand down, putting pressure on it. He bandaged it as best as he could, but it wasn't anywhere near safe.

"Let's... just get out of here. I don't want to deal with any of you right now. I'll get you back for this..." Aubrey picked up her scooter, the rest of her gang following. Basil stood up. This thing on his leg was a huge inconvenience. He could of just ruined everything.

"Whoa, that almost went really badly. Good thing you had your knife there or we could've- hey, wait! Give me that!" Sunny took his knife.

"Things like that are dangerous, Sunny. You shouldn't be carrying around that around, okay?" Basil briefly grinned.

"Aubrey's really changed since you last saw her. Let's check if Basil is okay." Basil put on an act, forcing himself to look upset. He wasn’t. He was so happy Sunny was finally here. His heart sank though, as Sunny turned around to leave, completely devoid of emotion. Kel grabbed his hand, pulling him back, Sunny hesitantly following.

"Hey Basil... how are you doing? I can't believe she's still bullying you." Basil kept looking at Sunny. Was he happy about this? Happy to see him, at all?

"Ah... I'm fine. I'm... kind of used to it, to be honest." Kel looked a bit uneasy. He probably noticed him staring. Basil looked down instead. Kel nudged Sunny with his elbow.

"C'mon... say hi, Sunny! You haven't seen each other in... well... years!" Sunny looked away as well, hesitantly clasping his hands together.

"H-hey, Sunny. It's been awhile, hasn't it? Haha..." This was going terribly.

"Woo-hoo! What a happy reunion!" Did Kel know anything at all? Basil knew he was a bit ignorant and excitable, but he couldn't feel the tension between them?

"So, do you wanna hang out with us today?" Basil thought about it for a bit. Of course he did. He wanted nothing more than to be with the only two people he even had a resemblance of trust with. But... his leg was killing him. He could barely walk. He couldn't, unless he wanted to spill everything.

"Oh... um... I can't. I'm sorry. I'd love to, really, but I have some stuff I have to do..." He also needed to get his blades back. Preferably while he was still here.

"Aw man, really? Are you sure?" Basil nodded. What would be believable?

"My um... my grandmas been really sick lately. I need to make sure she's okay." He probably did need to do that. Basil trusted Polly to take care of her, at least medically, but he wanted to talk to her about what happened.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Let's at least walk you home. It's been so long since we last hung out." Dammit. More pain.

"Oh... alright. Thank you." Sunny started walking off towards the park.

"Sunny, come on, we need to take Basil home." He glared at Kel for a second. It wasn't very serious, but Basil still felt a wave of adrenaline because of it. Kel finally took the lead instead, walking across the street, leaving him and Sunny a couple feet behind. Basil accidentally made eye contact, giving a weak smile. He wasn't even sure what to do now. He was still pretty set on dying, but this almost made it worth trying to continue, even with how awkward and painful it really was.

They'd eventually gotten down to his house. Basil didn't really want to go in yet, but he had to fix up his leg and see his grandma.

"There it is! That's Basil's house. The one with the green roof." They all paused for a bit before Kel continued, Basil hurrying to the front door. He didn't want them to know about Polly. They'd ask where his parents were. Basil didn't know at all, and never wanted to.

"T-thank you..."

"No problem-o! If you ever need anything, we're here for ya!" Basil looked at Sunny. He couldn't stop looking. It was like when they first met. He wanted to know everything about him. This might not even be the same person.

"O-okay..." They both turned to leave. He was leaving again. What if he never came back?

"W-wait! Please don't go!" His voice broke into actual emotion. Kel looked startled by it.

"I-I mean... ah... I'm sorry. I... need to ask you something." Sunny looked completely uninterested. He needed something to hook him in.

"Anything, Basil. What do you need?" Basil was a bit surprised by Kel's kindness today. He completely avoided him this entire time because they weren't really close as kids. He was always too loud and intimidating to Basil, even if he was nice.

"Well... you know... when we... when we were friends... I always took a bunch of pictures of everyone? I..." Sunny looked up slightly. That worked.

"Of course I remember. Those photos meant everything to you."

"W-well... you see... Aubrey- she... she stole it. I tried to-"

"Aubrey stole your photo album?!" Basil flinched.

"Y... yeah. She won't give it back." He'd never really tried to get it back until today. He was always more distracted with... well... everything.

"What a scumbag! Don't worry about a thing, Basil. Me and Sunny will get it back. I promise." Sunny didn't really look like he cared. Was he even there? Basil got like that often. Completely spaced out from reality.

"Ah... well, alright. Thank you." He was starting to feel the stress climb up his body again. He should have just ended it quietly. Then they wouldn't have to try to do this for him. Basil didn't deserve anything. Kel walked up to him.

"By the way, about what you said earlier... we're still friends. Okay?" It really didn't feel that way. Well... Basil didn't have any friends before him, Sunny, Hero, and Mari, other than Aubrey. It was great how that friendship turned out. Maybe Kel felt that way, but Basil didn't. He still wondered and cared about them, but... not talking seriously or hanging out for years wasn't something he considered to be friends. He didn't even really know what a friend was. Ah- he was spiraling again.

"O-okay... I guess." Kel frowned slightly, moving to pat him on the back. Basil moved away, making him stop.

"Sorry- I forgot you don't like that." Basil gave a slight nod. Kel went back over to Sunny. He looked at his face one last time. This might actually be the last time he ever saw him. He'd accepted he never would, that things would never be the same again... and now he had to show back up and make him doubt everything.

"Well... g-goodbye." Basil turned to go in, tearing up. He glanced one last time, opening the door and going in. He leaned back against the door, vision going blurry, covering his mouth. He didn't know if Polly was still here or not. She usually went to pick up his grandmas medications on Wednesday. He couldn't hold it in. He started sobbing, sliding down to the floor. Basil was used to crying, a lot, but his lungs burned from how drastic his breathing was. It quickly turned into a panic attack, feeling the dark shadows of Something forming around his feet, sharp teeth digging into his stomach, hollow eyes looking at him.

"W-what do I do? How-" Basil coughed, moving to pull at his hair. He couldn't stop hyperventilating. He froze at a knock on the door, holding in his breath, his torso convulsing as his lungs tried to work. He forced his hands over his mouth.

"Hmm... no one's answering. Maybe he's just in the bathroom or something. We can just catch up with him later." Basil shook his head. There might not be a later. He waited as long as he could, finally letting his hands down, coughing again. It turned from desperate gasps for air to weak breaths and finally back to sobbing. After enough silence, he finally stopped, laying on the floor. He didn't even know how much time had passed. He felt nothing, just staring blankly into the living room.

Basil forced himself up. He needed to take care of his leg before dinner. He went to the bathroom, sitting in the bathtub, pulling up the crude bandage he'd made. Layers of paper towels, taped down with masking tape over an actual towel on top of the wound. Pulling up the tape brought hairs Basil didn't even know were there up, along with irritating his skin severely. He finally pulled it up, lifting the towel, which was almost completely soaked with blood.

As he expected, one of the stitches towards the center had ripped. Halfway through, he was running out of willpower to do it, so he dug the needle closer to the top layer of his skin. It was gross; there was a hole with a ripped bit of flesh sticking out of the side, like a ripped earlobe. Should he even bother fixing it? He tried to use the stapler but it didn't hold together strong enough.

Basil started trying to push the needle back through, but couldn't get himself to do it. He dried the area as best as he could before using the tape to hold it together. Today was not going well.

"Stupid Sunny... he had to show up now. Why now?"

Maybe it's a sign. You wanted any reason not to end it.

Basil had forgotten about the voice for awhile. He wasn't aware how relived he was about its silence. He wanted to continue to ignore it, but being aware of ignoring made it continue to pester him, telling him he couldn't just push it away. Stuck in a loop of denial, he replaced the towel and covered his leg back up. Looking outside, the sun was already close to setting. He wasted most of the day. He heard Polly come back inside at one point, but he didn't respond. She tried to open the bathroom door, but Basil had been in the habit of locking it since he initially relapsed.

Basil jumped up at the loud sound of someone knocking on the door, hearing Kel yell something. He couldn't understand it this far away. He got up, leaving the bathroom. Polly had answered the door. Well... that was that.

"...I'm Basil's caretaker." Aaaand there was that. Basil wished she would have said she was his mom or something. He walked up to the door, glancing outside. Sunny was back! He looked... tired.

"H-hey Kel... what are you doing here?" Kel raised his eyebrow.

"What are you asking? We got your photo album back!" He didn't even notice. Sunny was holding it.

"You did? Wow... thank you." Basil froze up, involuntarily blushing as Sunny walked over. This was the closest he'd been to him in years. He held the photo album out. Basil took it, looking at the cover in disbelief. He touched something Sunny touched. He hadn't seen these pictures for years. He stared at the cover.

"Basil! You didn't tell me you had friends! Would you like to join us for dinner? I accidentally made too much again..." Basil was filled with despair at the first sentence. He didn't tell her because he didn't have friends. They weren't his friends anymore. Even if he wanted them to be.

"Dinner? Sounds delicious. Cmon, Sunny, free dinner!" Basil backed up into the living room. He looked back down at the album. He could die now. This is what he wanted.

If it was what he wanted, why didn't he feel happy? He blanked out as everyone walked in, standing near the table. White noises was searing in his mind once again.

"...Basil?" He looked up.

"H-huh? Sorry. I spaced out there..."

"I was just saying it seems like you got a lot more plants now!" Basil glanced at the shelves by the door. He didn't, really. Just two more shelves with some basic petunias and buttercups.

"Y-yeah, I guess. Why make friends when you can have plants? Ahaha..." Basil immediately looked down in embarrassment. That was completely inappropriate to say.

"I guess! Hector's decent company while Hero's off at college." Basil was glad Kel didn't say anything about it. He brought up the photo album again. He wanted to see it. He wanted to remember when he was actually happy. He wanted to know he could never have that or deserve that again, so he could finally let go.

"Oh yeah! We should all look at the photo album together." Basil grunted in shock as Kel took it from him, running over to the couch.

"They're a bit out of order, so we should go through and put them back in order!" Basil didn't want them around for that. He didn't know how he'd feel after seeing everything again. What if he broke down?

"U-uhm... that's... I- I don't know." Kel still smiled at him.

"It's been awhile since you've seen them, hasn't it? Come on! It'll be fun!" Basil glanced at Sunny. He didn't seem to be looking at either of them, or really even listening. He was looking at the table.

"O-okay... I guess." He walked over, Sunny eventually following and going on the opposite side. Kel placed it down.

"Here it is!" Basil looked. He forgot it started there. That violin ruined everything. He recognized his handwriting... but... he couldn't remember most of what was on the first pages. Kel's birthday... no, wait, his was in November. He forgot because the picture of Kel with the part hats was second. He smiled, looking at the picture of Sunny on the couch, playing his game. Basil could never get into video games, they just seemed too hard and complicated, but Sunny always seemed to have a lot of fun with them.

Oh... his favorite picture was gone. He didn't remember what it looked like, but Sunny had taken a picture of him. Slowly, he started remembering bits of the party. His grandma was still having some issues with her mobility since she fell the previous year, but she still managed to make a beautiful strawberry cake for all of them. Mari and Hero had fallen asleep on the couch, snuggled under a blanket.

But... the most memorable thing was right as everyone was signing for him. Sunny stayed quiet, as he tended to, but after everyone had sung, they made this eye contact. He blew out his candles and made a wish... he wanted to stay with everyone forever. Even if they never said it, Basil knew Sunny had the same wish.

And now... that would never happen. Mari was gone. Basil felt some tears prick in his eyes as Sunny turned the page.

Aw... that one was gone. He felt goofy going outside to take a picture of Hero and Mari doing the dishes, having to stand on his tippy toes to see through the window, but was happy for the authenticity of the photo.

Hero must have been devastated with what happened. Basil never even thought about that. He suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He absolutely had to have blamed himself for her death. Basil couldn't even put himself in that situation. If... if Sunny did that... he'd absolutely go with him.

Basil had missed two entire pages of photos. It was after his birthday... but before Sunny's. It was no good. Without the descriptions, he couldn't recall anything. This day he remembered pretty well. It was consistently pouring rain for a few days... and, well... that was the day Basil finally asked if Sunny had a crush on Aubrey. Back then, he was confident enough to stay quiet and accept it. Sunny blushed and Basil knew. But he ignored and completely denied it for a long time. There was no way he would have one on her with how she was now... but back then, Basil really imagined himself being with Sunny forever. He'd never considered anyone else. Did Sunny?

Suddenly, Sunny started flipping through the pages really fast. Basil couldn't even look at all of them.

"Hey, Sunny, maybe slow down. I know it's Basil's, but I doubt he can see them so quickly." He closed the cover a bit hard.

"I-it's okay... I can look at them later." Kel sighed.

"Well... a lot of them are still missing. Maybe Aubrey took them for herself. We'll have to get them back later." Basil doubted he'd be alive long enough to see those. He doubted he could handle seeing Mari's face ever again. It had been so long he didn't remember what she looked like. Sunny looked similar, but not the same.

"On the bright side, look how short I was! I've grown like a foot since Hero left for college. I'm gonna finally be the taller brother this year!" Basil looked over at Sunny again. He could tell he was a bit angry, but he still wouldn't look at Basil. Did he even know he was there? He didn't seem to care at all.

"Anyway, don't worry about the missing photos. Me and Sunny will take care of them. You just go back to being your usual happy and carefree self!" Basil nearly laughed at that. That was him? That's what Kel thought of him? He was probably the most negative person in town. He couldn't go more than two days without mutilating himself and had constant thoughts of death.

"O-okay..." There was no way he'd be the same ever again.

"Sorry about the wait... dinner is taking longer than I thought. Would any of you boys like to help?" Basil usually hated being in the kitchen, and being around her, but he wanted to get away from this. He should forget Sunny even showed up. Just pretend nothing changed and quietly disappear. There would be a lot going on at first, sure, but there weren't that many people who would even remember him. His parents were long gone. Aubrey hated him. Hero never acknowledged him. Kel... well, he had new friends. Sunny would be glad he died. Basil didn't deserve to be forgiven.

"Yeah, sure, I'll help! My brother likes cooking a lot so I have some experience with it." There went Kel, again, ruining Basil's plan. He picked up the photo album.

"Oh, wonderful! Please follow me." Kel did. That left him alone with Sunny. Basil was paralyzed. He had hundreds of things he wanted to say, but he couldn't let any of it come out. Sunny suddenly walked over to the flowers, Basil keeping his eye on him. He was probably wondering where him and everyone else's flowers were. They had all died. He couldn't keep up with those types of plants anymore.

Sunny came back, finally making eye contact with Basil.

"H-hi Sunny..." He was still just staring.

"It's nice to finally see you again..." He hates you. He hates you so much. He wishes you were dead. Just die already.

"W... why are you staring at me like that?" You know why. Tell him you're sorry. Beg to be forgiven by him. He wouldn't just come outside after years of isolating for some free dinner.

"U-Um... Sunny? Is... everything okay?" Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.

Without talking or emoting, Sunny walked off towards the hallway. Basil immediately began freaking out. He'd see his grandma, he'd find blood in the bathtub, he'd find his sketchbooks, he'd find his note- Basil hurried over to his room- not there. Even if there was a chance he was using it, he checked the bathroom. Not there. He was in his grandmas room. Basil slowly opened the door. Oh... he was looking at the flower next to her.

"Oh... Sunny... I didn't expect to see you in here..." Basil fully expected it. He didn't want to seem like he was hiding something. He turned, looking at him with the same empty expression.

"H-how are you doing, Sunny? Is... everything okay with you?" Basil had completely forgotten how to talk to him. Of course he wasn't okay. He continued to be met with silence. It was just like his grandma. He walked closer to her bed.

"Grandma can't hear us, you know? She hasn't been feeling very well lately..." Basil moved closer, putting his hand on her bed. She always looked like she was sleeping. She'd only been completely unresponsive for a couple months... but... it already felt like she was dead.

"It's... already been four years, hasn't it?" He still did nothing.

"It's... nice to see that you're still around. I... didn't know if... you would be. Even if it's just for a little while. I'm... glad you're here." Basil held his photo album up.

"I... all these memories... I can barely remember them. I think you should have it, Sunny. I just... I think you'll be able to use it better than me." It took a second, but Sunny finally reached up and took it.

"It's... been a really long time since they were taken. It doesn't even feel real to me anymore. I think... back then... I took photos of what I was afraid to lose most. And... most of all... that was you." Basil didn't even know what he was saying anymore. He didn't have any hope for himself... but...

"Maybe... one day, things can go back to the way they were before. You can all be happy again." Basil smiled, but had the strong urge to cry. He didn't want to be forgotten. He didn't want to be left out of everything. He didn't want to be dead, really. He just didn't want to keep hurting the people around him or deal with the future. If he tried to enter back into his life, he'd destroy everything again. Ask him. Tell him. You need help. Now.

"S-Sunny... I... I think... I'm-" Basil clasped his hands together, digging his nails into his palms. He didn't have the courage to say this yet.

"Basil! Sunny! Dinner's ready!" Basil let his arms go limp. There was no hope after all. He smiled. Forget it all.

"Okay! Coming!" He moved to the door, glancing at Sunny, before stepping out.

It would be over soon.

Chapter Text

Sitting at the table was one Basil's least favorite experiences. It was one of the only normal parts of his day, and even then, it managed to be incredibly awkward. Him and Polly always managed to make a very quiet, one sided, simple conversation filled with small talk. He usually just nodded, said “okay”, it went silent. And today, he was faced with the addition of two people he could barely manage being around.

Being around Kel forced him to remember how replaceable he was, and being around Sunny forced him to remember how forgettable he was. Every second was a reminder about why he shouldn't be here anymore. He hesitantly moved to sit down next to Polly, glancing at Kel who was already eating the soup pretty enthusiastically. He turned to Polly, who gave him a little smile. He couldn't help but frown, though, looking down at his lap. His leg hurt really bad.

Basil looked back up as a chair squeaked, Sunny sitting across from him, putting the photo album on the chair next to him. He wanted to be across from him? Maybe he was warming back up, but was just unsure what to say. Wait... no, he didn't know Polly and Kel would be next to him, although at the end. It wasn't for him.

"Everything is really good Polly!" She finally reached out and took a bit of the soup in her bowl. Basil didn't want to eat. Sunny didn't really look he did, either. He looked kind of pale and malnourished, in Basil's opinion. He'd been struggling with eating enough himself for awhile. He usually forgot, was too depressed, or just had no appetite. It wasn't intentional. He also didn't like taking care of himself. He didn't deserve it.

"Aww, thank you Kel! But I'm just following Grandma's recipes. Thank you for your help." Basil couldn't help it.

"…barely." Polly and Kel quickly looked at him oddly. He immediately regretted it, lowering his head. He had an explanation; Polly just had the ingredients and no instructions, so she didn't actually know how to cook this soup. It was chicken, potatoes, carrots, onion, and bell peppers. Polly just boiled them in broth for awhile, but his Grandma would sauté it, add the broth, then blend the potatoes and broth at the end together to make it nice and smooth. Without that, it was just stuff in liquid. He couldn't say all that, both to not insult Polly and because that amount of words would (metaphorically) kill him.

"So... anyways... as I was saying before, Polly, my brother, Hero, is coming back from college tomorrow. Everything's a mess over there, so I'm glad to be out for awhile, heheh." Basil glanced up at Sunny again. He didn't seem... present. Despite sitting across from Basil, and looking directly at him, it didn't feel like he was seeing him. Kel was still spouting on about Hero. Basil definitely didn't want to see him. He couldn't have taken Mari's death well. He also knew about Basil's history of self harm. Aubrey and Kel both didn't. With his physical condition, and him studying to be a doctor, he'd probably say something to Polly if he figured it out. Basil was a pretty good liar, but folded pretty strongly under pressure from Hero.

"...family is important." Basil didn't have a family. Not anymore, essentially. He still had no idea where his parents were, and he didn’t want to. His grandma was basically gone. Everyone stayed quiet for a bit. Basil quickly glanced at Kel eating. He should probably have something so Polly didn't bother him later. He didn't know what later would be like, but he didn't want her to go out of her way trying to help someone who couldn’t be saved. He took a little bit of the salad. Sunny noticed him move, making Basil flinch putting back the tongs. He stabbed into a piece of strawberry and one of the spinach leaves with the fork, feeling himself tremble at Sunny looking at him. He couldn't even tell if he was embarrassed, scared, flustered, or angry about it. He managed to put it in his mouth. With all the stress, he had no appetite. It was frequent. He could force it. He managed to swallow it, at least.

"Oh! I just remembered. Whatcha doing with Basil's photo album, Sunny?" Basil quickly turned pale. Polly didn't even know about it existing until today, really. Giving away important possessions was a common sign, he learned. Other than therapy, he'd only really learned about suicide through one specific assembly they held after Mari died. He felt violently ill hearing it, knowing the truth, but wanted to learn how to hide more if he needed to, so he stayed. Downplaying it to why Sunny should have it would work.

"O-oh... um... I just thought... I gave it to him. I j-just thought he should have it." Why should he have it? Polly didn't know about Mari, and there weren’t in there, so he couldn't say it was for her pictures. Crap... he didn't know how to assess the situation. He hated not knowing what was going on. Why was Sunny here now?! He had a good enough plan and might have even gone somewhat peacefully, but Sunny had to show up. At the same time, Basil was so happy he was back here. He wanted to hold him and never let go.

"Whoa, really? That's so cool of you. Makes sense... especially since Sunny's moving and all."

Hm? Basil misheard.

"W-what? ...Sunny's... moving?" Basil had the mental image of himself back as a child, holding the toy rabbit his grandma handmade him that he loved dearly, falling apart into threads of spool in his hands.

"Oh, yeah! Thought I'd mentioned it already. I must have forgot. He's moving in... three days, I think? Sorry... I thought you already knew." The threads fell from his hands as tears fell from his eyes.

"O-oh... I... I guess I missed it." Basil had the strong urge to throw up, despite having almost nothing in his stomach. He was also unable to hold back the tears.

"S-sorry." He got up and ran towards the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Everything is going to be okay.

He couldn't make it to the toilet. The bathtub was the easiest target. Basil felt the watering in his mouth, dizziness, and his stomach constrict as the small bit of his breakfast and dinner came up.

Everything is going to be okay. He coughed and spit out what he could, but he had something else to do. The darkness of Something appeared, coming out from underneath the cabinet.

Everything is going to be okay. Basil reached for the bag. He emptied it into the sink, reaching for one of the few blades he kept in it. They were the same kind he'd initially used, just like the one from grandma's sewing kit. He had a second of clarity that any of them could come here and open the door at any second, stopping him or preventing him from bleeding out. He didn't care.

"Everything is going to be okay..." The darkness reached into him and his hands, the shaking suddenly becoming steadiness, putting the sharp tip of the blade at the base of his wrist. He was ready. Sunny was leaving him. There was no point without him.

Basil swiped it from his wrist to his elbow, but these blades were quite cheap, making it sting horribly and it barely going past the first layer of his skin. He also put less pressure on it towards the end. It didn't go deep enough. He'd have to go over it again and again to reach the veins like this. He couldn't do that fast enough with everyone here. It hurt too much. Hell, he'd done what he'd done to his leg with his good blades. He just needed those. It wouldn't be that hard. He looked closer. It was barely even bleeding.

Looking closer, this one was actually the original blade he'd gotten from the dresser 6 years ago. It was really dull. And kind of dirty. Infection wasn't something he cared about considering his plans, but he wanted it to go well. He got mad and threw it on the ground, seeing it slide near the bathtub. He couldn't even kill himself properly. Basil looked up at himself in the mirror. He couldn't see it as himself. It was the stranger again.

"E... everything i-is going to be okay." He was still crying pretty hard. Talking wasn't working. He took a couple deep breaths.

"Everything... it's going to be okay." He waited a few more seconds, but felt the anxiety creeping back, hugging his shoulders.

"Everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be okay..." Basil jumped up, seeing something else in the mirror. He turned around. It was Sunny? Why was he here? He was real since the door opened.

"O-oh... it's you... Sunny. You're here... I'm so happy." He forced himself to smile for him, turning his arm away. What did he even feel about this? What Basil felt was a set of teeth bitting into him and a darkness taking over his body and mind, infecting him and his thoughts. In the background, deep down, he knew it wasn't real, but the feelings were. Sunny was staring at him a bit odd, his eyes wide and his mouth unsure. Scared.

"Y-you can see it too, can't you? Something... behind you?" Sunny moved his hand up and opened his mouth like he was going to speak, but quickly reverted back to that fear. Basil turned as he walked to the mirror. In the dark, with Sunny next to him, he saw it too. One dark eye. Sunny turned back to him. Wasn't he here to finally save him?

"Sunny... why... why do you look so scared?" He saw him briefly glance at his leg. Did he know what he did? No. There was no way. Basil brought up his arms, seeing some blood had gotten onto his sweater. He kept his forearm facing away, Sunny continuing to just stare at him, moving around him. He didn't mind it. He liked it, in fact. It was better than him showing zero interest. Sunny hadn't seen his body in a few years now. Maybe he wanted to see how he'd changed? If he liked him enough, maybe he'd use him and make him feel wanted. He was back!

"Sunny... everything is okay now, isn't it?" Did he change his mind? Even if his house sold, maybe he could convince Polly to let him stay here. That would be wonderful! Basil felt the brief flash of mania he'd had earlier. All he wanted to do now was hold him and never let go.

…

Where was he going? Sunny walked to the door. This was exactly the same as the day he'd destroyed the photo album, before he never came back.

"W-wait... p-please, Sunny... don't leave me. Not again..." He didn't even turn back, opening and closing the door behind him. Basil dropped to his knees, barely even feeling the pain in his leg, reaching his hand out as if he could reach beyond his body and stop him. He was gone, again. And he barely did anything to stop that. He looked down at his hands, bringing them up to his face. He didn't want to see anymore. He didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to live anymore.

Yet... he still wanted him to come back.

Chapter Text

Basil gave in and let himself cry quietly for a bit. He'd told himself he missed this, but he hated how it felt. Weak. He was so weak. He couldn't do anything except wait for something to happen. It took four years for Sunny to simply show up. He jumped up at a knock on the door.

"Basil? Are you alright? I know you want some space, but you ran away pretty suddenly. Your friends went home." They weren't his friends anymore. He opened his mouth but didn't have any words to say. Basil sat up as Polly opened the door, turning his arm away. He suddenly remembered the bag he'd emptied into the sink, hurrying to stand in front of it as she turned on the light. He hung his head, still fairly upset. He had nothing. Basil was thankful his hair was blocking his face, even if his tears made it stick to him.

"Can you tell me what's wrong? I don't understand why you keep coming in here." Basil shook his head. He couldn't say anything or he'd ruin everything. Polly looked over to the bathtub. Shit, the blade was over there still. It wasn't very noticeable. Maybe it'd be okay?

"Oh..." Basil sighed. He was screwed now. He wished she would have just left him alone and stopped embarrassing him by pretending to care. What would happen now? He'd be sent to the hospital. To Basil's relief, she turned on the water, splashing and rinsing the tub out. She noticed the vomit, not the blade. Basil took the chance to put his things back in the bag, opening and closing the cabinet as quietly as possible to hide them. Polly tended to keep all her focus on one task at a time, not even looking up to see him do it. She turned it off, flicking the water off her arms.

"I think we should take you to get tested additionally if you keep throwing up like this. I know you're lactose intolerant, but it's not normal to vomit this often, even with that." Basil didn't care. He was going to die soon. She walked back over, putting her hand on his shoulder, making Basil flinch away from her at a brief memory of a dark room. It almost immediately was forgotten. He felt sick again.

"Sorry… I'm just worried about you. There was that thing last week when you said you couldn't move, then you ignored me this afternoon, and now this. I don't know what happened today, either. I didn't even know you had friends, and it seems like you've known each other for a long time from those pictures. What going on?" Basil shook his head, feeling himself start to tremble. He didn't want to talk.

"N-nothing... it's nothing." He briefly glanced up at Polly. He couldn't read her expression, but quickly assumed that she was angry at him.

"I know something is wrong. Please... I just want you to feel better."

Here, let me help you feel better.

"Leave. Me. Alone." Basil wasn't that weak anymore. He reached into his pocket, holding the shears. Polly backed up.

"I'm... I'm sorry." Basil glanced at her one last time, hurrying out and into his room, slamming the door a bit louder than he wanted, locking it.

"Everything is going to be okay..." Basil was still in an adrenaline high from fear and anger. He needed to calm down. He didn't have anything good to think about. He couldn't, and surprisingly didn't want to cut himself. He laid on his bed, putting his face into the pillow. What he really wanted was someone he actually cared about to comfort him; to actually feel like he could be something other than this. That he would be missed. He kept thinking of everyone off and having a better life without him. Hero with his friends at college, Kel with his new teammates, Aubrey with her gang, and Sunny moving away and finding another best friend that wouldn't ruin his life the way Basil had. His grandma was going to die soon. He'd end up alone. His life and death both meant nothing. He couldn't stop himself from crying, thinking about it, then immediately getting mad for being weak again, finally remembering that any fraction of strength he had still wouldn't amount to anything.

"Hey. Um... I don't know if you're listening to me or not, but... I know I'm not the best person to have around. If you want to look into getting a therapist again, we can figure it out. I just don't want to have things escalate. Alright?" Basil shook his head, just wishing she would stop trying. This wasn't the first time she's brought it up because of how blatant his depression and anxiety was. They had one for his transition stuff, but never went past saying he was depressed because of his body to him. He couldn't tell anyone anything, including a therapist. Him and Sunny would probably go to prison. Maybe Sunny would be charged with manslaughter, it would be treated as an accident, but Basil? No way he was getting out of it.

Basil was trying to muffle himself, but he couldn't make himself quieter. He couldn't breathe in the pillow; his tears had made it wet and stopped the flow of air. He remembered the time he tried to hang himself, then a brief flash of something even earlier than that. It was very brief, but he felt a belt on his neck. Basil yelled, gripping his hair. Every second of being alive was agony for him. He needed to look at Sunny. Even if that wasn't who he was anymore, even if he was going to leave him, he needed him.

He got up, throwing the pillow on the floor, taking one of his sketchbooks he hadn't looked at in years off the shelf. He dropped it on his carpet, quickly moving down while wincing, opening it. The cover and first page were stuck together. He didn't know if it was watercolor or blood yet. He tried to peel it slowly, but it ripped. He grabbed what he could of the page and ripped it up, grabbing the next page. Sunny. He ripped it out, throwing it behind him. Again, Sunny, smiling, happy without Basil there. It was even in his own blood, he hurt himself to make something for him, and Sunny still didn't feel bad about leaving him. Rip. Sunny, again. Rip. He kept ripping the pages out until only a couple were left, his hands burning, throwing the remaining cover into the wall. He wanted to scream right now, but was scared of Polly escalating the situation. Basil had never been homicidal, but he was so angry and upset that he might realistically hurt her if he lost touch with reality. He had stopped hyperventilating, at least.

Basil stared at the ripped up pieces of paper, before realizing: all of these would be here. He didn't remember half of the demented shit he'd written and drawn in them, along with pictures of his cuts he'd taken and stuck in them. He started grabbing them, putting them on the floor. He'd finished nine so far, with two before the accident. It was subtle, but he'd written the numbers on the spines, putting them in order, ripping up the 7th. He might as well go left to right.

Basil opened the oldest one he had. This was the one he'd started halfway before he met Sunny and finished only a few hours after. He opened it up, weakly laughing at a very poorly drawn bunny. The arms were way too short. He flipped the page. The back was a drawing of himself, but it was just... off. It looked bad, obviously. His torso was boxy, the limbs were too long and bent awkwardly, and his hair was really spiky. He was in the overalls he wore often, with a pink shirt. This was probably made before he felt comfortable completely refusing girl clothes. What bothered Basil was mostly the face. He had no pupils, just white circles, and almost no mouth that he could tell was supposed to be a frown somehow.

The next page was also him, but facing away and standing. He'd scribbled over most of his back. He didn't remember doing that. Some flowers, a really ugly squirrel, and a very bad hyena he'd finger painted followed. It got to a sunflower, with the top of it drooped and missing petals as if it had died. The next one made him pause. He couldn't really tell what it was. It was a person, but with very blocky limbs, big hands, pointy hair, and a bunch of sharp teeth in blue pencil. He didn't want to look at it. On the page next to it was a woman in a dress with some random lines on her arms, partly leaking out into the white space of the page. She didn't have a face, but had been colored with long brown hair, wearing a dress, the top half being black and the skirt red with white polka dots. It looked significantly better than all the other drawings. Basil looked a bit closer. That was definitely supposed to be his mom. That meant the other one... he turned the page.

Flowers again, a tree, a rainbow, come on- it was the same stuff for awhile, minus a fairly good drawing of a sunflower (for a 10 year old), until he recognized one specific page of flowers. He'd used a particularly bright orange pencil on one of them. It was right after everyone had gotten lost at that camp. He'd drawn it very spiky, completely disregarding the inner circle for it. That meant the next page was...

Basil remembered it being worse. He'd taped it back in after a couple weeks of it sitting in his dresser. There was still that smidge of blood on the top corner, but it was pretty thin and had dried brown a long time ago. The noose was moreso just a line with a teardrop shape on the bottom, a little wobbly. The next few pages he remembered drawing at Gino's. He unpleasantly remembered Rai. That was so long ago. He'd probably grown up and moved away, but Basil still hadn't gone back there. He hadn't thought about him and that night at the camp in so long he could barely remember it. He just remembered Rai being disgusted by him and the feeling of mania for the first time.

There it was. His first drawing of Sunny. It was pretty distorted, but it was crayon, which meant it wouldn't look good even if he tried. They all got consistently worse until Basil got to the end. It still looked pretty bad, but was one of the better things throughout the sketchbook. He spent hours doing that all night before he went to therapy the next day. It was really fast how much he depended on him, wasn't it? Basil didn't really care. He liked Sunny still, even with everything that had happened and today. Basil skipped the next two, going to the one he'd started a bit after he'd relapsed at 14. He felt his heart racing and his breathing picking up. This was the one where it all really went downhill. Maybe he'd feel something. Sometimes his drawings gave him an adrenaline rush, remembering the feeling of Sunny in his arms.

The beginning was just another drawing of Sunny in pencil, leaning forwards sitting on the ground with his hands between his knees, tulips covering his hands. Basil weakly smiled at it. He'd improved quite a lot, despite only being 14 for this one. He had issues making people's limbs too thick, kind of drawing Sunny fatter than he was, but he still thought it looked good overall. The next pages were stuck together again, but had dried unevenly, so he managed to gently pry them apart without it ripping. Basil flinched, dropping it. He'd painted what had happened on the day of the rehearsal on both pages, at the tree, body and all. Unlike his hallucinations, it was very realistic, at least as much as he could manage with his art skill at the time. He closed the page, going to the next one. Scribbles on the back and front. He did those when he was stressed.

The next had a bunch of red lines, obviously symbolizing cuts. They started straight, but quickly overlapped and formed into scribbles. The next was a leg with a bunch of deep cuts. He hadn't gone deep more than once at that point, so they were fully red like meat, but Basil knew it was always yellow at that depth now. Flip. He really didn't remember this one. It was Sunny, in his blood again, but that wasn't what was odd. It was just writing on the backside of the last page. He didn't try to use it to write in anymore, just because doing it with a brush was hard, and it usually clotted before he could get done with it.

Sunny,
I don't know how things have been, but I just want you to know that no matter how, when you come back, you can do whatever you want to me. If you want to hit me, kill me, rape me-

The writing stopped. Why did he write that? He'd never want that. Sunny would never do that. Basil was starting to put everything together, to his dismay. He'd known his parents were bad people, including his mom, but he could at least think about her. He could remember her hair, and that she usually wore long sleeved dresses, and that she was tall. His dad? Nothing. Just pain. Even without thinking specifics, he flinched. He felt like he was being watched. Something was looking at him, but it wasn't something. Something on his shoulders, near his ear. Gentle yet violent.

Basil tried to remember, but it was immediately blocked out. He closed his eyes, trying again. There was the feeling of that sequin pillow under his hands. To his left, a woman without a face. To his right- darkness with eyes, staring. Reaching out. He jumped, scooting himself backwards against the wall, starting to hyperventilate again. He kept feeling hands all over him. Basil couldn't move. If he left, it'd be worse. He'd get hurt. He felt that sensation on his neck again. He couldn't remember what he did, but his dad hurt him. That was an understatement.

A lot of it added up now. His aversion to seeing himself naked, fear of being touched by anyone, and his inability to remember almost anything from before he was 7 had to be related. Basil always assumed it to be a result of being trans and abandoned by them. Basil shook his head, trying not to think about it. He didn't want to accept it, but he knew it. His dad had molested him, and Basil almost guaranteed it was worse than what he knew. He didn't remember exactly, but somehow knew he'd been violent and possibly had sex with or raped him. His grandma had taken him into his care at about 5, and Basil hadn't seen either of them again since he was about 7, so he knew it was when he was really young. He'd ruined his life from the start. Even if what happened to Mari never occurred, he'd still be screwed up.

Basil laid on the floor for about 15 minutes, feeling the urge to throw up again, but not having anything to get out. He sat up, looking at the papers he'd ripped out. He'd have to burn these or shred them tomorrow. He needed water. He had a headache. He had to take his shot with Polly. There was a bunch of crap he had to do before he could die. With what he'd just realized, there was no way he'd be able to continue, regardless of what happened with Sunny. He started picking up the pages, feeling a pit of sadness in his chest when he noticed and remembered that one of his favorite drawings was in that sketchbook.

He looked through the pages, finding the bottom half of the page first, followed by the second. It was him and his grandma together, one of the rare normal drawings he'd had, his head on her shoulder in the garden, both of their eyes closed. Peaceful. He made it around the time she needed a wheelchair and started having memory issues. He found the second one after a minute or so, holding it together. There had to be other things he cared about in them, but he needed to let go of them. Almost all of it was disgusting and toxic. He didn't think anyone really cared or liked or perceived him as being a good person, but in the rare chance he survived, he didn't want to be seen as dangerous or crazy. They wouldn't understand this. He didn't understand this.

Basil finally got up, bringing the one ripped drawing over to his nightstand, along with the one of his mom, Sunny sitting, and the older sunflower. He pushed his camera back, wiping his hand on his shorts to get rid of the dust on his hand. The back of Sunny's had only trees on it, so he didn't feel as panicked seeing it. He was tired, so he just pushed the remaining sketchbooks under his bed. It was getting messy down there. He didn't care. All he cared was finishing what he absolutely had to. He sat on his bed for awhile, just staring off into space, before finally deciding to get up and get some water.

Basil slowly opened the door, trying to see if Polly was up. The stove light was on. He wasn't sure. He needed water, and probably some more food. He could get it from the bathroom, but it wasn't very easy to drink with his hands. He could hide the blade when he was done. Tomorrow might be his death date instead, but he was tired and was going to let himself relax as much as he could before inevitably feeling worse tomorrow. A lot just happened. He walked over to the doorframe.

Basil quickly noticed her on the couch, reading. Maybe if he was quiet enough, she wouldn't notice him. He carefully avoided the one squeaky floorboard near the fridge, opening the cabinet with the cups as slowly as he could. Turning the sink on would alert her anyways. Basil just closed it normally, seeing Polly jump out the corner of his eye, making him jump in return, dropping the cup on the counter before it flipped onto the floor, shattering. Basil froze, feeling a couple pieces of the glass land on top of his socks. Polly got up, hurrying over to assess the situation.

"I-I'm sorry." He meant it for the cup, but he needed to apologize to her in general for awhile. Basil knew he was mistreating her and making problems, even if it wasn't his intention.

"It's okay. It happens. I'll go get the broom." Basil nervously rubbed his arm as she went out back to get it. He needed to have his blocker injected today, since it was the first of the month. Polly probably didn't say anything because of everything going on, but it would be brought up now, since she was really punctual about it. He could probably do it himself now, but Polly usually insisted on it since she was being paid to take care of him, and so it'd go right. Basil carefully stepped back, shaking off the glass on the top of his socks into the pile she was making, opening the cabinet for her to dump it in the trash.

"I'm s-sorry." Polly sighed.

"I already said it's okay." Basil looked down again. She propped it against the counter, waiting near him in silence for a bit.

"Do you want to talk yet?" Basil shook his head.

"I just... I needed w-water." Polly moved towards the cabinet for him, taking out a really old yellow plastic cup. All the print had faded, but Basil remembered it. She filled it up for him in the sink.

"Sit down. You seem kinda shaky." Basil looked at his hand, then his wrist. He never wiped off his arm. It barely bled, but there was some of it smeared on his skin. He complied, sitting at the table, keeping his head down and his arm angled away. He heard Polly open the fridge, coming over. She put down the cup along with a fruit cup and a fork. Basil looked down at it. This kind of situation felt familiar. He felt himself being pulled back to when he was getting settled in with his grandma, and not just as a memory. He couldn't stop it. He felt like he was actually there. He felt weak and small, looking closer at the cup. Basil forgot where he was, feeling the stress fade from his body.

"You need to eat something. Please." Basil moved his hair out of his eyes, looking around. Things felt out of place. Who was this? She looked nice, at least.

"O-okay..." Aw. Grandma messed up his cup. She must have put it in the dishwasher. He took a sip of it, swinging his legs in the chair. Part of his thigh really hurt. He quickly stopped moving them. He was kind of confused. What was he doing before this?

"M-ma'am... um... where's my grandma?" She gave him a confused look.

"'Ma'am?' She's in her room, you know that." Oh. She must have gone to bed and had this lady watch him until he was ready. Probably one of her friends. Grandma must have been out at one of her dinner parties in the city and drank a bit too much. Basil opened up the fruit cup, picking up the fork. Did they get new silverware? It felt smaller in his hand. He took a bite of the peaches. He was really hungry. The lady suddenly grabbed one of his hands, pulling and looking at his wrist. Huh. He had a big scratch there.

"What happened to your arm?" Basil felt overwhelmingly sad.

"I d-don't know..." She stopped pulling, but kept looking at it.

"Did you do this to yourself?" Basil shook his head. Well, maybe? He must have tripped playing with Aubrey or something. It might be related to his leg, too. He couldn't remember how it happened. They just went to the park today. Or was it the library? He was so confused.

"Basil, don't lie to me, please..." He pulled his arm back.

"I didn't! I don't k-know..." He just wanted to eat his fruit and go to bed. He felt kinda feverish and had a headache. His voice sounded deeper. His eyes burned. Maybe he had a cold and fainted, so he couldn't remember? She sighed and got up.

"I'll go get some bandages for it." Basil watched her go to Grandma's room. Weren't they under the bathroom sink? She'd wake her up. Basil moved to get off the chair, but quickly felt a wave of unbearable pain in that same spot on his thigh. He winced, moving and turning back to the table.

She came back in, Basil quickly taking another bite of the fruit. She put a few things down on the table next to him, taking his arm gently. Basil watched nervously. She sprayed something on his arm, which stung a bit, wiping along it with a clean towel. Basil tried to distract himself, drinking some more water. He felt something gooey, then something cottony, then heard something loud, almost ripping, making him jump and look over. It was white and long.

"What's that?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Gauze wrap?" Basil felt bad asking. It was pretty obvious.  She seemed kind of angry at him. It was his fault.

It's all my fault.

Basil shook his head, bringing his hand up to his forehead. It didn't actually hurt, but it felt like it did.

"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry. I'm almost done." Basil watched her rip it, patting the end down. It seemed to stick to itself. Basil brought it over, feeling it with his other hand. He liked how tight it felt on his arm. Safe. Cared for. Warm. She moved everything to the end of the table, sitting back down. Basil poked around the cup. He didn't like the pears. He was kind of bored, but also really tired, so he didn't want to ask about watching something. He went back to swaying his legs gently, trying to avoid it hurting, humming a bit as he finished it up.

"Are you feeling better?" Basil nodded.

"Yeah. My leg hurts a lot, t-though..." He didn't want to make her go through bandaging it again.

"Do you need me to look at it?" Basil felt really scared suddenly, shaking his head pretty fast. It was bad to show that part of him.

"It's o-okay. You already did my arm." He leaned forward on his elbows, finishing up his water and humming again. Basil kind of wished it was apple juice, but he remembered his grandma telling him water was better for him. He put down the cup, wiping his mouth. Spilled it a bit. He was a bit shaky. He moved it to the side, resting his head in his arms, glancing up at the woman. She was pretty, but looked worried.

"Basil... are you feeling okay? You're acting kind of strange." He shrugged, sticking out his tongue a bit. That always made his grandma laugh. She chuckled nervously, making Basil stop it. He sat up a little more, yawning.

"Can I go to bed yet?" She looked a little apprehensive.

"Um... I know today was a lot, but if you're up to it, we should do your blocker injection first." Basil knew he'd be starting those soon, but he didn't remember getting them. Why would she do it for him? Wouldn't his doctor or his grandma do it? He seemed to have forgotten most of the day. She seemed to be familiar with him and nice enough. Maybe he was just sick and couldn't remember it. She was in a dress, but seemed to be taking care of him and wrapped his arm nicely. Maybe she was a nurse? He still didn't know her.

Basil watched her get up, going to one of the cabinets in the kitchen, coming back with a few things, putting them on the table to his right, sitting down and facing him. When did those get put there? He quickly felt anxious about a syringe, even though it was in a package. He was strong enough. He'd gotten shots before. Compared to the pain in his leg, it wouldn't be too bad. She sat to his right, opening up the package with the syringe, along with an alcohol pad. He lifted up his sleeve to his shoulder. That's where he got his flu shots. The alcohol pad was cold and the smell kind of burned his nose, but it was fine. She used the other side of the wipe to clean the top of a vial with a bit of clear liquid, taking off the cap on the needle and inserting it, flipping it and pulling on the plunger. She did it very naturally and quickly, solidifying Basil's belief that she was. She flipped it back upright, pulling the needle out, flicking it and pushing out the bubbles. She grabbed a piece of gauze.

"Alright. Are you ready?" Basil nodded. She angled it, Basil looking away as he felt it push in. It took a few seconds, Basil feeling it pull out as she rubbed the area with the gauze over the injection site.

"Ow..." She chuckled.

"You never really mind it. Sorry for laughing. Hold that." Basil complied, her coming over with a bandaid. He lifted it up as she put it on. It was plain. Dang. He wanted a fun one.

"There we go!" Basil pulled his sleeve back down. She recapped the needle, picking everything up and putting it back in the cabinet. He heard a clatter, too. Probably for the needle. He knew those couldn't just go in the trash.

"We really need to get you started on testosterone, but Dr. Stang keeps giving me a lot of resistance on it. I really wish these types of things would change." Testosterone? Basil wasn't supposed to start that for... why was he having trouble figuring how old he was? Not until after he was sixteen.

"Isn't it kind of e-early for that?" She shook her head.

"No, not really. It might of been better to start them sooner, even. If we can't get them soon, I don't know what we're gonna do." Basil didn't really know what was going on, but he didn't want to think about this. He finally moved to stand up. She might be in charge of him, but he could go to bed by himself just fine. He stumbled from the pain in his leg, catching himself with the chair and table. The lady hurried over.

"Come on. I'll help you get to bed." She moved under him, putting his arm around her shoulders and hers around his back. He briefly flinched away, but couldn't keep himself up, so he gave in. He really hated being touched there. Basil felt kind of naughty not being asked to brush his teeth before bed, though. She opened up the door to his room, turning on the light and sitting him on the bed. Where was his bunny? He usually tucked it under his blanket. It smelled weird too. Metallic and kind of... sweet? He didn't know what it was. She picked up his pillow before she went over to his nightstand, picking up one of the drawings.

"Did you draw these? This one is Sunny, right?" She showed it to him. He suddenly felt very excited. He drew that? It looked really good.

"Yeah! He's my best f-friend." She flipped it over, looking a bit confused, before putting it back. She took the other papers, sitting next to him. There was the sunflower he made recently. He really liked that one. She took one that was ripped in half, holding the pieces together.

"That's you and Granny, right?" Basil pouted.

"Grandma, yes. I don't remember drawing that, t-though..." She wasn't Granny. That made her sound old. She was, but not that much. It looked a lot better than what he'd be able to make. Basil leaned in closer, wondering what was next. He didn't know when he put those there. It was starting to frustrate him how little he remembered. She went to the last one. Basil quickly moved back.

"It's a shame the last one was ripped. Who is this?" Basil gripped the fabric of his shorts.

"T-that's... that's my mom." She looked closer at it.

"That's... huh. When I met her, she had curly red hair." She knew her? Basil didn't know anything about her. It had been a few years.

"N-no... it's long, straight, and brown like that." Basil poked the paper for emphasis.

"Her name was Christina?"

"Anna." She looked really confused, looking at the paper.

"I don't know. I guess I forgot." Basil was uncomfortable now. He wanted to go to bed. He yawned again. She handed the papers to him, getting up.

"Well. I'll let you go to bed. Is there anything you want to do tomorrow?" Basil still didn't know who she was or why she was here.

"Um... m-maybe... I might go look at some plants at fix-it. I-if that's okay..." Basil didn't know what Grandma was doing tomorrow, but he knew school just got out, so he should be free. He should ask Aubrey if she wanted to come. He thought of her face, being confused when her hair was pink. He blinked and it went back to dark brown. That was weird.

"That's fine. Just try to be back by 4 or so for dinner." She headed over to the door. From how it looked, she was probably spending the night, having a blanket and pillow along with a book on the couch.

"Do you want me to turn the light off?" Basil shook his head. He thought she would have helped him a bit more, but it wasn't her job.

"Alright. Goodnight, Basil."

"Goodnight." She closed the door. Basil stared at the wall for a bit. He should put on his pajamas. He put the papers back, still struggling to get up. Moving, standing, or bending his leg at all hurt really bad. He used the wall to get over to his closet, opening the drawer with them.

...

He didn't recognize any of the clothes, but knew they were his, for some reason. He pulled out a big grey t shirt and a pair of boxers, but they were also way too big for him. He hobbled back over to the bed, pulling off his vest, looking at it. It was also really big? But he fit into it... Basil ignored it, unbuttoning his shirt and letting it fall to the ground. He looked down at himself. He was a lot thinner than he remembered, feeling and seeing his ribs and hip bones.

Scars? He had them on his hips and part of his stomach. Maybe he was in an accident, and had amnesia. He started feeling really anxious, still disliking having his shirt off. Basil quickly pulled the grey shirt on, finding it a bit loose but still having it fit him. He didn't want to do his underwear anymore. He took off his shorts and put the boxers he grabbed on the floor near his other discarded clothes, trying to get over to the light switch. The big plant was in the way along the wall. He managed to get around it, turning off the light, immediately feeling a hand on his back, turning it back on and looking behind him. Not real.

He kept looking where it came and turned it back off again, making his way back, sitting down and pulling the covers up. Looking helped. Basil preferred to face the wall, but the pain was on his right thigh, so he had to be on his back or left side. He slowly moved to lay down on his left, sliding under them, putting his head on his pillow. He was in physical pain, but also felt pretty sad. He was too tired to think about it.

Basil grabbed his pillow, hugging it. He wished Sunny was here. He squeezed it tighter, pretending it was him. He did this a lot when he was away from him for long periods of time. Didn't he just see him today? Why did it hurt so much to think about him? He shook his head, trying to ignore it again. He felt weak and tired, mentally and physically. Basil quickly tried his method of trying to fall asleep when upset, which was counting bunnies jumping over a fence, instead of sheep. He got to around 35 before falling asleep.

Chapter Text

Basil was walking. Where was he walking? Oh, right! Of course! He was going to see Sunny. It was quite dark out, but he was excited to see his best friend again. He had a tote bag, full of important supplies, opening up the front door. It was so nice of him to just leave it unlocked. He trusted Basil. Basil looked around their living room, pausing and smiling at the cute portrait in the center. Sunny was such a cute baby. He headed up the stairs, knowing where he was already. Basil knocked on his bedroom door.

"Sunny! Are you ready?" Basil pushed the door open. Mari didn't seem to be home. He went over, seeing Sunny sleeping. He always looked so peaceful in his sleep. He had to get him up, now. Basil gently nudged his shoulder.

"Hey. Wake up, Sunny. I got some new blades for you to try on me." He nudged him again. He wasn't responding.

"Sunny..." Basil looked down. There was something under the blanket. He pulled it back, dropping the bag. There was a knife plunged into his stomach.

"Sunny... this is a prank, right? It's just ketchup, haha..." Basil grabbed the handle of the knife, pulling. It was in there. He pulled it out slowly, looking down at the blood in shock.

"You're leaving me again? Like this? It's okay. I understand." Basil held it in his hands, turning and pointing it towards himself.

"We'll be together soon."

He thrusted it into himself.

-

Basil jumped himself awake, immediately feeling his leg hurt. He was so stupid to do that. He didn't remember falling asleep. That was a dream he had regularly, but it never went that way before. He'd say hi to Sunny, then they'd take turns cutting each others arms, Sunny almost always cutting him up worse. Basil knew he had to be masochistic, but he found it odd, since it was never sexual to him; it was just fun and made him relaxed, with the exception of the giant cut he'd done. The word just fit. After his realization yesterday, never experiencing those sexual feelings made more sense, but he knew part of it was not being on hormones and being on blockers. He'd grown a bit, and developed mentally, but often still felt like a child. He squeezed his pillow again. He didn't like thinking about it. It was still dark out, but he could sense it was early in the morning, around 4 or so.

Basil tried to remember what happened last night. He went to get water, and ended up dropping a cup... he sat down...

It ended there. Basil had issues remembering things, because he was constantly thinking about other stuff, but he'd never had a gap in his memory like that. He sat up, looking down at his arms.

"Fuck-" His left one was wrapped. Did he faint? Basil pulled off his blanket, realizing he was in a different shirt. He was wearing the same boxers, though, but rarely slept in them because blood would get on his sheets. He lifted up the fabric, giving a massive sigh of relief that it hadn't been changed. Polly didn't see it. He didn't know what happened, but he really hoped Polly assumed it was an accident and did it for him. Why was he in a different shirt, though? He'd been needing to wash his main outfit properly for awhile, so he was glad he didn't have to deal with the stress of doing it. He'd been wearing them for about a week and half, so he was getting pretty smelly. Basil trusted Polly, but really hoped she didn't change it. The scars on his hips weren't very dark anymore, but were easily visible.

Basil got up, heading to the bathroom. He hadn't gone all day. He barely drank anything, so it wasn't like he needed to, but he needed to now. He was still sleepy enough to not panic over pulling his underwear down, along with the shirt covering him, but he still didn't like it. He looked down at his thigh. He needed to change the bandage. He didn't really have anything to put on it. The remaining gauze he had, along with two hand towels and the rest of his tape, had been used up for this last one. He'd have to leave it on or take it off. It had probably closed enough. Basil decided to take it off, finishing up and going over to the bathtub. He kept his underwear off to make it easier, but was very quickly getting anxious about it, pulling down the shirt in the back.

"He's not here anymore..." Basil had always felt uncomfortable in the bathroom, but after the accident, he'd gotten to the point of wetting himself to avoid using it, even at 16. This was probably where it happened. He had to deal with this, at least until he could get to his good blades. He slowly peeled off the tape, dropping the rest into the bathtub. It was fairly soaked. He sighed in annoyance, seeing there was dried blood all over the area. He was out of things to use. There was no way he was risking Polly seeing him without any pants on, so using his underwear to wipe it wasn't an option.

Basil didn't have any other options, washing his hands before getting a bunch of toilet paper and wetting some of it. He learned it could get in wounds and cause infections, so he didn't want to do that, but it didn't matter much anyway. He wiped around it carefully. Basil had gotten used to the self harm, liking it often, but seeing this made him feel like a disappointment. The stitches were going too far, but he couldn't get help without getting put in the hospital or alerting Polly. Sunny would be so sad to see this. He'd be glad he was dead, since it meant he didn't have to help him anymore. He didn't want Sunny to know about just how much he'd suffered. He didn't want him to feel bad about leaving, even if Basil was upset at him for doing so. He patted it dry, looking down and feeling the top with his hand. It was warm and puffy. It was probably infected already. Why'd he splash the pond water in it? It didn't matter. He'd be dead soon.

Basil tossed the toilet paper in the toilet, flushing it, washing the remaining blood off his hands. He remembered the blade he dropped, adding it to the bag, moving and tucking it back in the gap of a couple pieces of wood that made up the base of the counter and cabinet. That had been a good hiding spot for awhile.

Basil pulled his underwear back on, pausing at the mirror. He hadn't looked at himself in awhile. This was the first time in months he felt okay not being fully dressed. The shirt looked huge on him, and it was only a large. He looked at his face first, quickly shifting his attention to his hair. There was dried blood on a few parts of it. It showed pretty blatantly with the blonde color. He was lucky no one noticed. He wet the bloody parts of it, wiping it out with the shirt. A little bit wouldn't be noticeable. Basil stepped back, lifting his shirt up just below his chest.

He'd known for a long time he was pretty significantly underweight, but... this had to be thinnest he'd ever been. He could feel it, obviously, but seeing how sunken in his stomach was and how visible his bones were from a different perspective made him uncomfortable. The pushing from Polly to eat more was usually ignored by him, just because he didn't care about food, but he understood the concern now. She didn't even see all this, knowing just from his arms and legs. It was also really bad for him to be vitamin deficient, because of the blockers he was taking.

Basil let it drop. Being light would make it easier for the mortuary to handle him. What would his funeral be like? No one would show up. Well, Polly would, but she'd probably grown used to losing people, being a nurse for the elderly, so she'd be fine. Basil constantly refused her help, so he hoped she wouldn't feel too bad about not stopping him. Kel and Hero might, too. Hero was courteous, even if he hadn't talked to him.

Sunny?

...

Basil remembered the dream he had. He'd had a bad feeling since he woke up.

Maybe it would be today instead. He didn't have a reason to wait until tomorrow. Sunny would be moving. Basil had no guarantee he'd come back outside today.

Go inside.

Basil groaned. There it was again. Everytime he thought the voice went away, it'd come back. It might be okay. He just couldn't be too long or weird about it. He grabbed a grocery bag from under the cabinet, throwing the bandage he'd made in it. He couldn't sneak the other one out earlier either, so he just put it in a similar spot as his blade bag under the sink. He wished Polly would go somewhere so he could deal with it and not risk being caught, but she didn't really have a reason to look down there for more than a couple seconds to get cleaning supplies. The cabinet was starting to smell like blood though, just like his room did.

Basil went into the hallway, seeing Polly sleeping on the couch. She usually went up into the attic, which was just big enough to sit up in. Now he'd have to go out through his window. He quickly peaked at the stove. 4:15. It was earlier than he thought. He still wanted to check on Sunny. He'd be quick about it. Kel took that knife from him yesterday, but there were definitely more in his house, even if he was moving. Basil went back to his room, getting the sketchbooks and loose papers from underneath his bed with an old tote bag he didn't use. He had to get rid of these before the sun came up. He wanted to burn them, just to guarantee they wouldn't be seen, but he didn't really have a way to do that without burning himself or something else.

The only options he had were throwing them out in random trash cans around the neighborhood or burying them, which increased the chance of them being found. Basil weighed the benefits and negatives, quickly picking. Throwing them out would be better, but... he had to face the reality that it wasn't 100% certain that he'd die. Even if he didn't look at them, Basil was attached to them. All his love for Sunny was in them. Most of it was toxic, he knew that; but there were good things and cute drawings he liked. He didn't have the time to look through them all. He'd bury them.

Basil remembered where it was. It was very small, but he had a box of things he'd collected from Sunny over time. Almost anything he gave him, he kept. He opened it, pretty quickly smiling. He immediately put on the beaded bracelet he made, flowers and leaves, putting the beads against his lips and enjoying the emotional warmth from it. A little white dried daisy followed. Basil really loved this, but it lost a lot of its petals over time from being so dry. A drawing of a cat. He'd made it before they'd gotten Mewo, but he thought it looked like her anyway, just a blob with some eyes. A simple Halloween pencil. Basil never sharpened it. Finally, Basil got to the little garden pick he'd written on. Don't give up. We love you. He loved him! He felt the adrenaline pick back up, looking at it. He felt the obsession coming back. Basil finally picked up the key, holding it out as if it was a piece of treasure he'd just acquired.

You're just checking on him. Don't be gross. Freak.

Basil lowered it, feeling his smile fade. It was nice for a few seconds. He carefully put everything back in the box besides the key, putting it back where it went. He put his shorts back on, putting the key in his pocket, along with a pair of sandals he saved for sneaking out. He picked the bag back up, putting it on his shoulder, opening up his window. He'd kicked out the screen quite awhile ago, which prevented him from opening it in the summer because of bugs, but he liked having the ease of going out like this more than having that. He'd only done this a few times, when getting away from the house was all that worked and he couldn't explain why he needed to go away to Polly. Still, avoiding the bush right below it sucked, even more with his leg, and it being dark. He needed to trim it. He got his left over the bush, putting it flat and stretching to get his other to the small curb of wood that went around the garden bed for the bushes, quickly feeling his foot slip forward, making him fall back into the bush.

"God- dammit..." The branches were poking him all over, including into his cuts. The big one on his thigh was obviously the biggest problem, along with the smaller fat one he did the same day, but there were a bunch of smaller scratches and dermis ones on his other leg. He'd gone over the tulip again on his left not too long ago, too, which took a lot of surface area, even if it wasn't that deep.

Basil sat in it for a minute, annoyed he fell, finally forcing himself out of it, closing the window most of the way. It was dark out, which normally made him paranoid, but he was in a slight adrenaline high and the moon was bright, so he was a lot less scared. He wasn't hallucinating at the moment either, which helped. He walked past the beds of poorly maintained crops, knowing half of them were already dead. He took advantage of a manic episode to plant them all in one day last month, but had been neglecting their water for a long time. Might as well do it now. Basil dropped the bag, grabbing the watering can and going to fill it up. It was loud, but pretty far from the front of the house, so Polly couldn't hear it. He hurried, getting anxious. Sunny could be bleeding out. You're doing nothing. He's going to die if you don't save him. You're useless. He couldn’t tell if it was him or the stranger in his head.

Basil abandoned it halfway through, watering the tomatoes and zucchinis. The potatoes and leeks could screw themselves. He needed Sunny. He wanted his sunshine back. His tulip. Basil thought about his smile when they'd originally planted their flowers. He wanted him to be that happy every day, and he wanted to be there with him for it. He wanted to hug him. He missed him. He missed everyone. Sunny may have left him for a long time, and made the selfish decision to move, but Basil felt like Sunny didn't do anything to hurt him. Kel moved on so easy, clearly forgetting him, even if he tried to approach him occasionally. Aubrey took it out on him and voiced her disdain for him all the time. Hero left, not even speaking to him when he knew it was hard for Basil to reach out. He hated them. He didn't. He hated the way he felt about it.

Basil picked up the bag, walking to the back of the yard, going to the spot he used to sit at when he was really young. The planter with Sunny's special tulips was still there, just full of dirt. Basil had a small hope they'd grow back, but they didn't. He took the trowel nearby, going a little bit further, crouching and starting to dig. There was a couple feet before a fence separated the trees from the sidewalk. Basil looked up into them. Normally this would trigger him, but he just felt sad, feeling a cooler gust of early summer wind blow against him, hearing the leaves shake, closing his eyes. He wanted to enjoy it but needed to hurry. The sun would be up fairly soon, too.

Basil put the bag in for a second, checking that everything would fit into the hole, before dumping the books and paper into it. The bag wouldn't biodegrade, but the paper, cardboard, and cotton thread binding the books together would. He stared at them for a bit, forcing himself to push the dirt on top, patting it flat before sighing and hugging his arms. It was a dark part of his childhood and teenage years, but he was still letting go of a lot. They were almost all fantasies. Sure, a lot was just Sunny and drawings of his self harm and suicidal thoughts, but he had also drawn far off ideas of them together. He knew it was a delusion; they'd never be together. They'd never kiss. They'd never be married. They'd never be happy together. But Basil didn't want to let it go. He didn't want to let him go, but he saw no future, no hope, that he would ever be okay.

Basil wiped at his eyes. He wished there was hope for him. He was too broken, too messed up, too useless. He shook his head, forcing himself to stand up, stumbling at the pain in his leg yet again. It would be over soon. Basil just had to keep reminding himself that. He took the bag, quickly pushing it into his window, walking around the side of the house. He needed to water these plants too. He needed to tell Polly how to take care of them. Basil told her to water everything every other day if she didn't see him do it, but that didn't really work. He jumped up, almost stumbling, at a loud meow.

"O-oh! Hi, Mr. Kitty-cat... can I please get around you?" It was the big chubby orange one that liked going on the roof. Basil had no idea how he got up there. He was pretty sure it was a boy. He sat down, licking his mouth and looking up at him.

"I don't have any fish for you right now, sorry, heheh..." Basil reached down, letting him sniff his hand before rubbing his head, pushing his head into Basil's hand. He was a stray, but was really friendly. When he had extra money from his allowance, he'd usually get him some canned tuna or a fish from the store. He stood back up, the cat rubbing himself against Basil's leg. He started patting his back near his tail, him meowing quite loudly.

"Shh... we can't wake up Polly-" He meowed again. Basil moved one of his hands under his chest, the other behind his back legs, lifting him up, baby carrying him. He was about 15 pounds, which Basil could lift for a couple minutes, but he usually never picked him up that long. He looked up, a little confused. Basil quickly blew into his stomach, making a fart noise, before looking at him, ears slightly back. He did it again, feeling his paw on his cheek. Basil chuckled, putting him down and smoothing out the fur on his back. This usually annoyed him and got him to leave.

"Good kitty." Basil called him a few things, but changed his name a lot. Chester, Claus, Klaus, and Clancy were the ones he rotated. He felt like orange cats fit having a C name for no particular reason. He looked down at him again, meeting his eyes as he continued to rub against his leg. Bright green. A beautiful creature. Basil believed all animals, even the violent and dangerous ones, deserved to live. They all had their purpose. He wanted to take care of him, even if he was something as simple and common as a cat. He was a complex creature, growing and living a complex life, that would end relatively soon in the lifespan of the universe. Even something as small as him, as small as a ladybug, as small as a blade of grass, should have a chance to live.

Why couldn't Basil feel that way towards himself?

He felt his eyes tear up yet again. He wasn't made as something simple and free like this. People were different. They had to change and be a very specific way to live and succeed. It was still survival of the fittest, but the fittest was who did what they were told the best. Basil did that, but his best was never enough. He felt unfulfilled and like it didn't matter what he did. He could never be himself without facing possible discrimination. He would never fit in. What he did was unforgivable. He didn't deserve to live.

...

Basil heard him purring. He could be somewhat useful and kind until the time came. Right now, he just had one purpose, and that was to check on Sunny. He stepped over him, managing to finally walk, having the cat follow behind him. Basil had never seen him do this, but he'd never been out at this time of day- night?- before. His leg was killing him, but he got to Sunny's street fairly quickly. His anxiety quickly picked back up, griping at the excess fabric of the shirt around his stomach. He was used to holding a sketchbook or the photo album almost all the time, before it was taken, so he was uncomfortable holding nothing.

Basil slowed down by Kel's house, seeing the cat continue towards Sunny's. He felt a bit hurt by that; even the cat left him.

Hero was really coming here tomorrow? He'd been off at college for two years now, minus the summer and breaks. He'd have to avoid him. Basil knew with the time of night he'd have to wait to go get his blades. He could be spotted, and after what he was about to do, he could be in serious trouble. The sun was starting to peak up a little, too. He smiled, running his hand along the fence. Basil already knew there was no way he'd ever go out back, or even look and be happy about it, but he loved this place. There were so many good memories here. It dimmed a bit as he saw the sign. He really was moving. He needed to hurry.

Basil glanced around one last time, making sure no one was around. Kel's parents left for work at about 6:30. He had plenty of time. He went up to the front door, feeling his heart race. This was still normal. He wasn't doing anything illegal yet. Basil may have been overreacting, but he had a concerning dream, and wanting to check on his former best friend after a stressful day. Yeah! It was fine. He put his hand on the doorknob, turning it. Locked.

Well, now he had to commit breaking and entering. He could get in trouble now. Basil pulled the key out, looking around again, pushing himself flat against the door as a car drove by. He just had to hope they didn't see. People drove through Faraway on road trips frequently. He went back to it, struggling with getting the key in, wiggling it, before finally feeling it slide in. Basil was glad they didn't change the locks.

It's not like anyone would ever try to come in like this, right?

Basil turned it, opening the door as slowly as he could, pulling the key out once he could slip in the opening. He shut the door, once again feeling a rush of adrenaline. He was in Sunny's house! After 4 long years...

Basil glanced around the living room. It looked like almost everything was packed up already, minus the shoe rack, a clock, and a carpet. Basil felt the excitement fade as he looked at the sliding door. He heard the creaking of a tree branch, seeing hands press against the glass. He backed up against the door. She was looking at him. He couldn't handle it. He ran into the dining room, feeling as if it was chasing him, looking behind at the doorway. Nothing. This room was basically empty, too. He took a second, trying to calm down. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real-

Basil was getting more anxious, remembering the look on Sunny's face in his dream. He'd gone pale, but looked just the same as when he was sleeping. He went into the kitchen. This was the last area he knew wouldn't freak him out, at least until he went upstairs. Basil was really sad to see their talking table had been packed up. It wasn't getting any use anyways. He sighed, having the odd urge to look in the fridge. There couldn't be much, considering he was about to move. He really hoped Sunny had gotten something after dinner. He didn't eat anything, as far as Basil knew. He probably should've gotten something before bed last night, but... he couldn't remember. He passed out. Basil would just have to ask Polly what happened. He opened it up.

Empty.

Basil felt really bad. Sunny looked really thin, just like he did, but nothing? He probably had some money, but... there wasn't any way he'd go out for it. Even if Basil didn't know Sunny anymore, he knew him. He'd spend most of his free Saturdays behind the trees across the street, waiting to see if any movement happened in the house. He'd seen his mom come and go a few times, but never actually saw him. It was only one day a week out of seven, but someone else, especially Aubrey's gang, would have send him around town at some point if had. He really hadn't left in almost 4 years, until today. He wouldn't have seen him at all again if it wasn't for Kel. He should thank him for that.

Basil closed it. He was really not looking forward to the next part. The exact moment his life shattered happened only a few feet away. He knew what to do.

Basil went to the entrance to the living room, looking to the right, closing his eyes. He felt for the other frame to the left, holding and walking through it. He took tiny steps, finally feeling the bottom step of the stairs with his foot. The fear, the feeling, the memory was popping into his head. His hand moved to the banister, Basil having to hold it to stop himself from falling over. Hair, spread on the floor- something was already back around him.

Basil couldn't help but open his eyes at the sound of a door opening, quickly stumbling back and falling onto the ground. It was only a little glimpse, but he immediately knew Sunny was up and walking around up there, briefly seeing him walk out the bedroom door. He tried to ignore the wisps of hair, hands, and claws digging into him, opening and going into the closet. It was completely dark, which didn't get rid of the feeling, but prevented Basil from seeing anything. This was a mistake. Sunny was fine. Of course he'd be fine. He was strong.

Basil backed into the farthest corner of the room, feeling a larger box under his hand. He ducked as far as he could behind it. Basil felt it a bit more.

Don't forget it's in the toy box

Basil suppressed the urge to scream, covering his mouth. His eyes closed in fear, flashes of that day going through his mind. The shattering of wood, Mari falling onto the floor, the feeling of her body in his arms- Basil shook his head, forcing his eyes open to stop imagining it. Not now. He felt himself starting to panic, hyperventilating, hands shaking- his eyes closed again, feeling the rope in his hands. He was on a time limit. He needed to leave. Sunny was fine. He pushed his fingertips into the cut on his leg, wincing, but feeling himself come back to the present. Basil forced himself up before he could think, slowly opening the door and peaking outside. He heard the stairs squeak. He was leaving.

Basil looked at the bottom, being surprised that he didn't panic over that, of all things. What happened was terrible, even that being an understatement, but he had good memories here. He walked over to sit on them, remembering one of the times him and Sunny just sat there. It wasn't too long after they met, and Sunny was showing him all his toys. Those little moments were what Basil remembered the most. Almost everything else seemed to have only a few minutes of actual memory. He remembered when they went to the beach, but only the part where he took a picture of Aubrey, the result of Sunny being buried, and the car ride home. He remembered Sunny's birthday, but only when he climbed and slept in the big box they got. He remembered his own birthday, but only when he blew out his candles, and how that wish fell apart so fast.

Basil looked up at the ceiling for a bit, noticing some sunlight coming in through the upstairs windows. He needed to go home. He didn't want to go home. Everything that happened here, while extremely traumatic, at least lasted only about an hour. He had spent hours, days, maybe even weeks or months of his time at his own house cutting himself, thinking of dying, and hating himself. Here, he could at least pretend things weren't as awful as they were.

Basil felt his thoughts being muddled. Everything from this spot and angle looked the same. It felt the same. He pretended. Hero was going to come over in a couple hours and make breakfast for everyone. They'd watch some cartoon on the TV and relax, Mari and Hero doing some cleaning, before going out to the park and enjoying the beginning of summer break. He had to get Sunny. Basil knew where he was, he knew he was having a delusion, but he couldn't stop himself. Seeing Sunny sleep was one of his favorite things. He looked cute and peaceful. Basil wished he could have that peace. He slowly went further up the stairs, going to Sunny's door, smiling. His heart was racing. It was still a bit dark, so he couldn't see that well, but it would be okay. He knew where everything was, mostly.

"Sunny..." Basil knew he fell asleep quickly, and rarely woke up. He very slowly and carefully walked over, looking down. So cute! Basil was so nervous earlier, he couldn't get a good look at him. He wish he had his camera to capture this. Basil always thought Sunny was cute, very literally, but despite the minimal changes, he could tell he'd had some changes in his face. It was slightly less rounded and he had a more visible jawline. He still saw him as cute, but he was getting closer to the border of handsome to Basil.

This doesn't matter.

Basil had lost sight of why he came here, but he didn't really care. Waking him up would be incredibly stupid, but maybe he could say some things, just to get it out. Basil still made up his mind, he was going to kill himself, but he had a few hours to wait.

"Y-You know... back then... I hoped we could save what was left." Basil had the strong hope that Sunny would have come back, and things would have somehow worked out. He never did.

"But... even after everything... you still left me, Sunny..." Basil wanted him to leave him. He knew he was nothing but trouble. Yet...

"I've waited so long for you to come back..." Three and half years, Basil has spent alone. Sunny turned his head towards him slightly, scaring Basil into backing up. He couldn't get close to him again, literally and emotionally. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to sob into his shoulder and apologize until the pain stopped.

"Even now... It's hard to think straight. I can feel... my heart hurts. I just want to cover my face and hide... I just... I w-want you to stay here." Basil didn't know what he was saying anymore.

"There's so much I want to say, but I just c-can't..." He loved him. He was mad at him. He missed him. He wanted him around. He wanted him to move on. Basil was just a massive walking contradiction.

"I just... I waited so long... I thought this... I..." Basil put his head down. This wasn't going anywhere.

"Will you forgive me?" He hates you.

"My best friend..." Sunny wasn't even his regular friend anymore.

"I know you hate me..." Basil needed to leave. This was further confirmed when he briefly saw Sunny's eyes open as he turned to his side, pulling his blanket over his head.

"Sunny... I love you... g... goodbye." Basil looked at him for a second, forcing himself out of the room. He didn't want to think about it, leaving the house as fast as possible, locking the door behind him. He stood outside, heart racing. He didn't think about it much in the moment, but he got away with doing that really easily. It made him feel good. It was the same feeling when he'd just cut in the bathroom at school, went to class, and nobody suspecting a thing. He felt that adrenaline high again. He knew he wasn't manic, but it was a similar feeling. Basil chuckled, starting to head home. The feeling faded almost immediately, remembering what he was planning to do. He looked at Kel's house again, seeing a light flip on, prompting him to hurry past his house.

Getting back in was a similar process, but required Basil to slide between the bush and the wall, which scraped him up a bit. He immediately flopped down on his bed, exhausted. He'd only gotten a few hours of sleep in the last few days, aside from last night. It didn't take long for him to fall back asleep.

Chapter Text

Basil woke up with a snort. He slept really hard, evident by quite a large puddle of drool on his blanket and face. He didn't even use his pillow or dream at all. He lifted his head up, hearing some birds outside. He could tell by the light that it was around 8 in the morning. His head quickly went back down, but now it was cold and wet, so he had to move. He moved up to the top of his bed, hugging the pillow and resting his face on it, laying on his stomach. His leg still hurt a lot, but it was better compared to earlier in the morning.

Basil halfway fell asleep, but was having some unclear anxiety, not really focusing on a specific thought. He was eventually "awake." making him sit up, looking around at his room and remembering.

He was going to die today.

The thought weighed on his chest heavily, followed by other regrets. He ruined Sunny's life. He was abused by his father. His grandma was going to die. He curled himself up a bit more.

A few minutes later, Basil heard Polly knock on his door. He lifted his head up, but didn't move.

"Are you up yet?" Basil kind of grunted. He didn't want to talk.

"Just... I'm going to do laundry. Is there anything else you need washed?" The house was too small to get a washer and dryer, so she had to go out pretty far to get it done. He had blood on his sweater. He couldn't let her have it. Well... there was one solution.

"Um... c-can I do it myself? I can... can I come with you?" Basil really didn't want to. He needed to go. Why would he care about his clothes? He was going to die.

...

Spending his final day with Polly wouldn't be so bad. He just needed to be quiet about what he was planning.

"Yeah, sure. Do you know how long it'll take for you to get ready?" Basil just needed to change his shorts, and definitely needed to change his underwear. He'd been wearing them for almost a week now. He knew he smelled bad, but it was really hard for him to bathe with the constant amount of open wounds he had, along with having to get undressed. Same thing went for brushing his teeth and hair. He had a couple mats in his hair and it was really dried out.

"U-um... like... 15 minutes." It'd take him a bit to will himself to change.

"Okay!" Basil waited for her to walk away before getting up. His clothes were usually all over. He really should move keep basket instead of the bathroom. Even that was hard for him. Everything was hard. He was also constantly distracted by his thoughts. He moved to close his curtains, the room now fairly dark. Basil immediately tensed up, looking to the wall next to his bed. He always felt uncomfortable with it. When he was having hallucinations, there'd always be an eye there. Basil went over to the spot, looking a bit closer. There was a painting of a rabbit eating a strawberry that had been there since he moved in here. He lifted the painting off the wall.

There was a hole under it.

Basil knew there was another painting at the same spot in the bathroom. He already knew what it meant. Basil put it back. That at least confirmed why he felt so uncomfortable undressing in both rooms. He soaked in the feeling for awhile, manifesting as a pit of despair under his sternum. How could someone even do that? And it was his own family member... someone that was supposed to love and take care of him. Basil wasn't even living here for the first few years of his life, and that was there still? Watching him at the other house wasn't enough?

He sighed, shaking his head. He needed to get dressed. No more thinking about this soon. Basil did it as fast as possible, a bit relieved to be wearing something clean. He'd been wearing them even though they were covered in blood, to the point of making the fabric stiff. He'd washed them in the bathtub while wearing them, but it didn't really feel clean. They were a dark enough color to not leave a large stain, at least. He got another pair of shorts on, quickly realizing how loose they were. He'd been wearing that same outfit for about 2 weeks, minus his socks. Did he really lose that much weight? He ate lunch at school and some dinner at home, even if it wasn't much... he got another pair that adjusted, having to tighten the drawstring all the way just so they wouldn't fall down. He felt sloppy.

Basil pulled off his bed sheet first, knowing he had wetted it around 3 weeks ago. He didn't want Polly to know that. He knew he was pathetic and others knew he was pathetic, but he wanted to have a decent image after he died. Basil picked the clothes up with it, bringing them and dropping them in his basket in the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror, he did, in fact, look sloppy. Visibly depressed and the exhaustion didn't help much. Basil liked that one outfit because it was somewhat cute, reminded him of Sunny, and was fairly presentable. It was the right balance between warm and cool, since he could take off the sweater if it got hot. Dress shirts also felt particularly masculine to him, along with suits and vests, even if he didn't have any of those. He still wished he could have gone to prom with Sunny.

Basil glanced at the cabinet. He could do a quick session with the old stuff...

He opened the cabinet, turning and reaching for the bag, jumping up and hitting his head on it as the bathroom door opened.

"Ohp! Sorry!" Basil growled, grabbing the bag and going to lock the door after Polly closed it. The one time he forgets...

He looked at it a bit longer. They needed to go to catch the bus. He should focus on cleaning the towels. Basil didn't care if Polly found out about his self harm after he died, so he didn't need to worry about hiding the blades. Leaving the rotting bloody towels under the cabinet was gross, though. She might not find them for awhile. He grabbed the bags, looking at them and feeling disgusted at himself.

Basil put one in each sink, turning on the water, letting them both rinse, getting and pouring some of his shampoo on them. It would hide the smell a bit. They were white, meaning they'd definitely be stained. It was mostly so she wouldn't smell them, anyway, so he didn't care much. He rubbed the soap in, turning the water off and squeezing one of them, seeing the blood turn from pale red to bright red as it rehydrated and flowed with the water. Basil felt himself being enchanted by it, squeezing and watching it flowed out in trails. It reminded him of cutting in the bath and watching the droplets fall in the water, blossoming into plumes of orange under the surface, slowly dyeing the water red. It was the only time he felt alive. He closed his eyes, now smelling the iron and subtle sweetness that he loved.

Basil was interrupted as he heard Polly walk over a squeaky part of the floor. You're disgusting. He had to hurry this up. He didn't want to. Minus the little cut on his arm last night, it had been almost 2 days. He went back over to his basket, remembering and pulling the sheers out of his shorts, putting them in his pocket. They were jersey material, so he could feel the tips of the blades poking his thigh. That would get him through until he could actually do it.

Basil ringed the blood and water out the best he could, still enamored by it, finishing and sticking them under his other clothes. He washed his hands off, glancing at the bandage on his arm. He didn't it. It wasn't deep at all, but he had to hide it. It was already too hot for long sleeves. A quick mist of his usual body spray was good enough; marigold. He couldn't bathe even if he wanted to because of his leg. He opened up the door, pulling his basket along. He was really glad it had wheels. Polly walked out of his grandmas room.

"Are you ready to go?" Basil nodded. He went out to the living room, putting on his shoes, waiting a few seconds before she came out with the other one. Polly seemed to wear that same dress a lot; Basil was kind of surprised she wasn't washing it. He wore his clothes way dirtier for way longer, though, so he shouldn't judge her.

Stepping outside, Basil immediately wanted to go back in. It was really bright, and a lot warmer than yesterday and last night. This was the first time he'd gone out with her minus his gender therapy appointments in a long time, maybe 6 months. He anxiously looked around for Aubrey, hearing the wheels on the baskets clack as they went over the cracks in the sidewalk. Polly usually called a transport company for rides to him and his Grandma's appointments, but they wouldn't do it unless it was specifically for those, meaning they had to walk to the bus stop to go other places.

Basil sighed in relief as they got to the park, knowing Aubrey didn't stray far from it. There was still the possibility they'd run into her. He was randomly feeling dysphoric about his body, too, making the anxiety worse. His chest was completely flat, but Basil still felt like there was too much there, wishing he could remove even more of the tissue from it. His hips were too wide. His face was too girly. In the scope of all his other problems, being trans was now very minimal, but it still bothered him a lot. It wasn't like he wanted to be a big strong hairy macho man, but he wanted his face to be sharper and his voice deeper. He kept his eyes to the ground, stepping past the construction going on near the sidewalk. She looked at her watch. Basil usually forgot that it was one because it looked like a bracelet.

"Hm... we have a few minutes to wait still. It'll be okay." Basil hummed in acknowledgement, briefly glancing at her. Pulling the basket was already making him tired, but she wasn't struggling at all. He'd known he was weak, but it was embarrassing. Basil didn't want to be buff or anything, but he wished he was naturally strong like the other teenage boys were. Testosterone would help that, but...

Basil looked back towards the park. He hadn't left Faraway except for school and appointments in a long time. He didn't feel comfortable anywhere, but staying here was a lot less stressful than going to the larger town nearby. Basil plopped down on the bench, sighing.

"You seem tired. I probably should have made some breakfast first..." Basil pushed his bangs out of his eyes. He was already covered in sweat.

"I-it's okay. I just... didn't sleep well..." She hummed, leaning against the sign for the bus stop.

"Yeah. You were a bit... off, last night. How's your arm?" Basil brought it up.

"O-oh... um... it's fine. I just... scratched it pretty bad at the p-park." Polly glanced at it. He knew she didn't really believe him. He still didn't know what happened last night. He'd never blanked out a memory like that. Things got fuzzy, and he didn't remember a lot of his childhood, but it was odd.

"It's not too bad. I'm sure your shots hurt worse." Basil moved his hand up to his arm. It was a bit sore. She did his injection? He didn't remember that.

"Y-yeah..." Basil didn't know how to ask about it. If she knew he randomly forgot an hour or two of his life, that would be enough for her to make him go to therapy, maybe even the hospital. He didn't know what it was. He was really stressed. He'd remembered a lot about his childhood. Maybe it was too overwhelming and he blanked it out? If something significant happened, she'd have said something more than he was "off."

Basil glanced at her again. Polly was really sweet. He didn't get how someone so nice was put in charge of him, especially by his parents. He didn't deserve her. All he did was cause problems. He should just die. She was hired primarily for his grandma, anyway. Well, now the anxiety was back. Basil rubbed his arm where the bandage was. He hadn't gone out like this in so long, he'd forgotten how to act normal. Feeling the ridges where it overlapped itself calmed him a bit. A couple cars passed by, Basil finally hearing the familiar rattle of the bus, standing up as it stopped. He already felt weak. It was really annoying that the stop that went to his school was so much father up the road. At least the school bus stopped by the park.

"Did you bring your pass?"

"N-no... I forgot." Useless.

"It's okay. It's only a dollar." A dollar too much for you.

Basil let Polly bring her basket on first, already knowing he'd struggle to lift his. He tried to lift it. It was really heavy, almost 30 pounds. He was able to lift more than that when he was ten. Basil forced it, angry at himself, getting it up the steps. Why did he agree to do this? It was his own fault yet he was angry about it.

He glanced at the bus driver. She was an older Hispanic woman who took the job since it was easier than others at her age. She talked to her grandkids on her cell phone all the time. It was usually in Spanish, so Basil didn't understand most of it, but he could tell she cared a lot. Hero tried to teach him a little, same with Kel, but Kel didn't know much and Hero had difficulty explaining things. Basil realized he was spacing out and holding things up, moving and pushing the basket between the seats, sitting next to it behind the driver with Polly to his right. It was empty besides them. Almost no one rode it. It was a really small bus, and barely went into the city, so it wasn't very useful. He sat down, Polly handing over two dollars. She had her purse in the basket.

"We're just going to the laundromat." She took the money and wrote some stuff on a piece of paper she kept on the dashboard, sticking the money in a little box on the console. Basil felt the bus start to move. Shaky, as usual. He tried to relax in the seat. He really should have just stayed back and taken the chance to go back to the pond. He had to figure out the best place to do it still. The garden was his ideal spot, but Polly might see him there. The hangout was a good spot, but it might take awhile for someone to find him. He really didn't want Polly to find him. He'd hurt her enough already.

Basil felt her poke him. Basil glanced.

"I know it's kind of early, but after we get everything in the washer, do you want to go get some lunch? I'm sure you want something other than my cooking by now." The bus was loud, so he could barely hear her. Basil felt the bus turn. It followed a specific route along the suburbs before it drove further out, and all the turning usually left him nauseous. He had almost nothing in his stomach. He wanted to say no. Polly shouldn't waste her money on him. Well, she should be allowed to eat. Not getting anything might alarm her.

"I... I-I guess..." He'd just get the cheapest thing he could. Basil never went out to eat because there wasn't anything besides Gino's. He didn't even know what he'd like. Kel and Sunny always made fun of him for liking "rabbit food." He chuckled, remembering the time they'd been out in the garden and Basil made them try a radish right out of the soil. It was a day similar to this, early in the summer. Kel was mostly messing around in the trees. He closed his eyes, remembering the way he laughed when Sunny spit it out, his annoyed face, and the sun shining down on them through the trees.

He opened his eyes and felt them well up with tears. Not now. Basil quickly wiped them away. He could tell Polly was looking at him. He forced himself to look out the window, trying to focus on keeping his balance. If he actually relaxed on this bus, he'd fall on the floor in just a few seconds. He'd only been on this route once, but there wasn't anything really interesting, mostly just houses. Basil always peaked at yard decorations and any gardens, happy when he saw an older lady who looked like his grandma planting some flowers out front. He wished they could have done that one last time. Basil knew she was basically gone, but hoped he'd be able to talk to her one last time. She only seemed able to get his name out on rare occasions.

The rest of the drive mostly consisted of Basil overthinking something, feeling nauseous from all the movement, and then distracting himself by looking out the window. He finally got a break on a more straight road, looking over to Polly. This was the longest he'd ever spent around her, at least in this close of a proximity. He'd sometimes sit on the couch while she sat at the table, but they'd usually be silent. Polly was approved as a stay-at-home nurse, but still had a bit more studying to do before she could move to working in a hospice facility like she wanted, so she'd usually be studying while Basil read or drew. Without anything to distract him, Basil knew he was extremely fidgety and she was noticing it.

She clearly knew he had anxiety and depression, but he never told her about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was in his records, but she didn't have access to them, and his gender therapist couldn't really tell her about it. He always insisted it would go away once he could start testosterone and everything was because he was trans. He had his antidepressants throughout his grandma's decline, but once Polly showed up and his grandma couldn't really go out or think for herself, it never came up again. He never got it refilled, and since he'd moved from a pediatrician to a regular doctor, he didn't know about getting it fixed either. The simple answer was to just ask. Basil knew why he didn't get treatment; he wanted to get worse. He wanted to suffer for what he did. He wanted to get so bad that dying was the only option, and it now was. Another factor now was that he didn't want to deal with trying to get his leg fixed, even if that wasn't close to why he decided on it.

Basil looked up, seeing they were just about there, about a block up the street. He used to come here with his grandma to do laundry, too. They used to go to a cafe about 5 or so minutes away. They had really good paninis. Maybe they could go there. 5 minutes of walking would hurt a lot, though.

"Oh, look! They opened up that restaurant in the gas station finally. Wanna try it?" Basil hadn't heard of it before. It was clearly a chain. The bus stopped, the restaurant she mentioned just across the street.

"Kwedobah?" Basil knew that wasn't it as soon as he said it.

"It's Q-doba." Basil had never heard of it. Then again, Kel was astonished when he said he'd never tried McDonald's. He wasn't educated on what most people experienced or liked.

Now came the fun part of getting off the bus with it. Getting it on was definitely harder but that didn't mean getting it off was easy. Basil went first, wanting to get out. It was hot inside it and outside, but he was getting claustrophobic and extremely dizzy near the end from being jostled around.

"Thank you!" Polly came out behind him.

"Oh-, um... t-thank you." The driver gave him a little smile, closing the door and pulling off. Basil looked around the street. It was kind of trashy. No crosswalks, tons of fast food places, and a bunch of old businesses that were abandoned or very slow. Walking on the deserted road near the wheat field was an improvement, because he actually had a sidewalk. Part of it cut off in the grass here.

The gas station was brand new, but the laundromat was really old; from the 60's, at least. There used to be a couple small brick shops where the gas station now was. Out with the old, in with the new. Basil didn't care that much. He just was reminded that things change when he's not around, and will continue to change once he was gone. He followed Polly into the building, struggling with the door. It was heavy. She noticed, holding it for him. Basil could tell she cared, but they didn't talk to each other much, which was entirely his fault. Then again, when he did want Polly to talk to him while upset, he still continued to hide it, yet would get mad at her for not knowing he was upset. He knew he was a pain in the ass.

Oh. There were a bunch of people. It was a Tuesday afternoon, but he didn't expect this many. Old lady, construction worker, mom with a toddler, random guy... Basil felt bad for sorting people into categories, but it usually let him attribute positive traits and lessen his anxiety. The older lady was probably sweet like his grandmother. The construction guy worked hard. The mom was doing her best with her kid. That random guy could be a lawyer or something. He'd still think they were judging him and assuming things, though, because Basil knew everyone thought he was disgusting. He didn't want to be around them.

Basil scanned for the row of washers with the least amount of use, hurrying to the opposite end of the entrance. He needed to get the towels in there first. He heard Polly trying to catch up.

"Wait- I need to get you some change!" Basil forgot they had to pay for it. It was kind of necessary for him to have clean clothes, same way as food and water at home, so he never thought about it. He couldn't refuse those or he'd have died. She dug around in her purse, pulling out a few quarters, putting them on the lid of the machine. Basil went to the cheap one by default. They didn't need to be that clean, just enough to get the blood out. Did they have soap? Basil was really disconnected from day to day living. He saw Polly pull out a sandwich bag from her purse filled with some blue powdered detergent. She handed it over.

"Just... like... half of that should be fine." Basil nodded, taking it. Polly went to the one next to him. He turned to block the view a bit with his back, grabbing a pile of the clothes and tossing it in, making sure the towels were in it. One of the quarters fell in. Basil reached over it, feeling himself starting to sweat again. The air conditioning was fairly good, even a bit cold, but he was still really sweaty. He managed to get it, putting the rest of it in his pocket. Oh- the sheers were in that one... whatever.

Basil hurried and got the rest of the basket in. He felt really shaky. He was dehydrated. He was warm. He was hungry. He was exhausted. He was in pain. He put the soap in, closed it, and put the quarters in as fast as possible, having the process drawn out due to avoiding the sheers in his pocket, along with his shaking, starting it and immediately heading over to a bench on the wall. He felt like he was going to pass out. Thinking about it a little more, he'd lost a lot of blood over the last few days and had barely eaten anything, likely making all the other things worse. Polly glanced at him, but finished the other load up, coming over.

"Are you okay?" Basil moved his hand up to his face. His skin was cold, but he felt really warm still. He couldn't ignore it. He would just continue to feel worse until they left if he didn't say anything. Washing took a bit less than half an hour and drying took 45 minutes. Basil liked suffering, but he didn't want to faint. It would make things worse.

"I just... I feel r-really sick." Polly put her hand against his forehead. Basil was a bit shocked by it, but oddly felt relaxed about it. He usually refused to let her touch him other than for injections.

"You're not warm, so it's not that. You're probably just dehydrated and hungry. A fruit cup for dinner wasn't a lot."

"W-What?" Basil was kind of delirious. He pulled at his shirt, trying to get some air under it. Despite being completely out of view, people were looking at him. Maybe someone was watching him on the cameras. Maybe someone was listening inside his head and waiting for him to mess up so bad on the outside they could ship him to jail.

"Fruit. Last night." Basil didn't remember that.

"R-right. I forgot." Polly got up.

"I'm going to go get you something to eat and drink from the gas station. If you feel like you're going to pass out, lay down on the floor." Basil shook his head. He didn't want her to waste money on him.

"Come on, I'm getting it. Do you know what you'd like?" Basil shook his head again, looking down at his lap. He was pretty close to nodding off. He felt Polly grab his shoulders and lay him down, barely registering the touch. He put his face down in his arms, the light from the windows burning his eyes.

"Stay here." Basil couldn't protest anymore. He stared at the floor through the grate of the bench. They were staring at him. He was such an embarrassment. He tried to push himself to sit back up, but his arm was shaky and weak, feeling it slip off the edge of the seat. He groaned, annoyed he was letting people see him like this.

"...should we call an ambulance?"

"No, that lady was with her. She said she was getting something for her from across the street." Basil shook his head, upset that he was being misgendered again, and that he was actually being watched. Apart from random classmates, it rarely happened now. Didn't need testosterone when your depression wears you down so bad that all that soft delicate femininity leaves your face.

"I-I'm fine..." He knew he didn't look fine. He tried to push himself up again, actually getting there, slumping into the bench. Why did he feel so nauseous if he didn't eat? Dumb. I need to eat so I'm going to make you feel like you need to throw up so you don't eat was what his body said.

Basil struggled but managed to keep himself upright, eventually glancing and seeing Polly come back in from a side door he didn't notice before, digging in a plastic bag. She pulled out a bottle of apple juice, opening the lid and handing it over to him. He was shaky, but managed to drink some of it, almost immediately feeling better. Basil now felt how dehydrated he actually was, beginning to chug it.

"Don't choke." He finished it, immediately coughing as he choked on it.

"I'm sorry- I didn't know I'd get like t-that." Polly sat down next to him, handing him a bottle of water.

"It's okay. You can't predict when you'll feel sick." If he just ate more last night, he wouldn't be. Basil took the water, glancing at the juice bottle briefly. It was really simple, but reminded him of when he was younger and didn't like tea yet. Drinking more liquid calories probably would have prevented him from losing weight so fast. He put the bottle on the bench between them, sighing and looking out at the washers. This was one of the places that just didn't feel real to him. It had new machines, but had barely changed. He didn't like it. He didn't like anything changing. Everything did. Nothing would be the same. He'd never be happy again.

Basil felt Polly poke him. She was holding out a candy bar. Snickers. Basil didn't even remember the last time he'd had something like that. She made cookies occasionally, but he rarely ate more than one. They weren't the same. Basil hesitantly took it. He didn't deserve this food.

"I didn't know what you'd really like, but it has a bit of protein, so I picked it. I also just like them." She pulled another one out of the bag, putting the apple juice bottle in it. Basil stared at it. Did he even deserve to eat? He didn't deserve to be alive. Maybe he should keep it so she could have it later. He heard her open hers, glancing at the floor. He was still very faintly trying to hold out hope, but it just wasn't working. Everyone hated him.

"I know we're going to lunch soon, but you really should eat that. I don't want you to get close to fainting again." Basil gripped it, frowning. He usually didn't eat much because it was her cooking. Was it really just that? He didn't want this because she went out of her way to pay for it and since he had the apple juice it was unnecessary and he was going to die soon so why eat to begin with?

"Please." He didn't expect that. He crushed it a little on accident. Basil slowly opened it. He was still a bit shaky. He ripped off a little piece, putting it in his mouth. Feeling the chocolate melt and tasting the sugar felt weird. It wasn't like he avoided sweets, but he didn't feel like he deserved anything nice or enjoyable when it came to food. He wanted to spit it out. It was too good. Basil swallowed it. The juice was kind of burning his stomach, so it felt like a lot despite only being one bite. Probably should have chewed it more. Polly was just worried about him. He just needed to eat it. It was okay. She wouldn't have to spend anything on him soon.

-

Basil felt somewhat okay for awhile, finishing up the candy bar and drinking some of the water. He was still really anxious about the people around, but was mostly secluded. Polly moved onto reading an autobiography of some doctor he didn't know about. He was still overthinking. He really wanted to go home. His goal before was to go back and immediately head to the hangout to kill himself, but now he was unsure. He wanted to sleep some more. It didn't effect anything if he did. He was still going to do it. Just would relieve the perceived vertigo he had.

Basil heard his machine beep, making him get up and go towards it. The dizziness was almost gone. Polly closed her book, coming over. He opened it up, seeing one of the towels on top of the load. It was a little brown, but it was passable. He could say it was paint if he had to. Basil put them in his basket, going to the dryers on the right side of the wall. He looked at them for a second, kind of just thinking about it. It was so silly that there were millions of these machines in the world that just heated up things and spun around and that was their entire purpose. He really wished he was a part in a machine, some animal, some plant instead of a person. Maybe he wouldn't have to contemplate this if he was.

He threw them in a top one, closing it and leaving the basket near it. It was exhausting. It wasn't even that heavy. Polly did the other basket, digging in her purse again and giving him a few more quarters. He put them in, pressing the buttons and hearing it start to move. This wasn't a special activity or anything, but was making him oddly nostalgic. The smell of soap, water, and slightly burnt clothes was familiar. He looked at his vest spinning. The blood washed out well.

"Are you ready to get some lunch?"

"Mhm." It would just be wasted. That candy bar was enough to get him back home. He wanted to go with her anyways; the light was now giving him a headache. The random guy and older lady had left, so he'd be able to hurry back if he got overwhelmed. He went over to get his water, following Polly out. An immediate gust of hot wind hit his face.

"Ew... summer..." Polly chuckled.

"The news said it was going to get really hot today. If you feel sick again later, go inside somewhere and sit down." Basil nodded, glancing at the main street as they crossed the smaller one. They went pretty fast.

Jump in front of it.

Basil twitched, freezing for a second.

Just do it already.

Basil groaned internally, walking up to the door with Polly.

Basil immediately wanted to turn around.

"Oh wow! They're busy. Might take us awhile to get our food, haha. I think they literally opened today."

So. Many.  People -

Immediately, all their faces went dark and all Basil felt were eyes on him. The line wrapped from the counter, along the side of the wall, and all the way to the door where they just walked in. He quickly started trembling. Polly didn't seem to notice, joining the end of the line.

Everyone knows what you did.

Everyone knows what you are.

They know you're not normal.

You're a freak.

You're a monster.

Basil moved in autopilot, walking next to her and leaning against the wall. He pretty quickly felt himself disconnect from reality. There was some loud music playing, too. He twisted the water bottle in his hands. Great. The voice turned to voices. Over and over- you're useless.

Basil wanted to die so bad. He was sick of this happening so many times. He usually had anxiety like this at school, but it was so much more packed in that it was ten times worse. More people walked in, Basil looking down at their feet. He could tell from their voices that they were two young college students, wearing sandals and carrying cute bags for the summer. He squeezed his eyes shut. They probably just got to go to the beach or the pool and laugh with their friends and he was going to fucking kill himself today. He'd be miserable forever.

Polly nudged him.

"Are you okay?" He didn't nod or shake his head, because he didn't know. Basil looked up and briefly saw her face, but was so scared that it immediately blurred. He quickly looked away. He forced himself to relax enough to be presentable, knowing he was gripping his shoulders pretty hard. It switched to what was left of his nails digging into his palms. They were always bitten down.

"Do you know what you want to get? They have tacos and burritos and stuff."  Basil didn't care about that at all.

"I- um... I-I'll figure it out up t-there..." Basil was hungry, but the anxiety was making him nauseous again. He still felt guilty about Polly paying for him. They had food at home. Basil wanted to ask if she was sure, but he really didn't want to speak and had objected enough. He wanted to run away, to be honest, but they'd moved forward in the line enough where there were people both in front of them and behind him, making it more awkward to leave than to stand like a terrified baby deer. He looked around, knowing that people were around, but not registering them as people; just judgement and things out to hurt him.

The minutes felt like centuries. His heart wouldn't stop racing. He couldn't calm down. He couldn't escape. Just like everywhere else in his life, Basil was trapped. The negative thoughts wouldn't shut up. He knew he was moving in the line with Polly, but he felt like he was going to die, and despite the situation he'd put himself in, he was scared of it. There wasn't any control. He couldn't do anything. He always felt that way. And despite it all, despite his shakiness, he didn't let his discomfort show at all. He just wanted it. He stayed still and occasionally looked around, but his brain was in a full on panic.

End.

Chapter Text

Basil eventually made it to the front of the line, feeling himself snap out of whatever that was. The line continued to be a blur of shadow people, but he could register the person at the start of the food line as a younger woman with warm brown eyes. She was pretty. Why was everyone better than him?

"Hello! What can I get started for you?"

"Uh- um..." Basil knew he didn't know what to do but still thought he could improvise and get it right for some reason.

"Do you know what you want?" Basil was so busy trying not to look like a freak that he didn't even look at the menu. Polly was reassuring.

"I don't know..."

"Is a salad with chicken okay?" Basil nodded. He didn't really want to eat meat anymore for moral reasons but didn't want to object either. He could just pick it out, but if it was already in there, it was already paid for, so did it matter? He didn't know. He should just shut up and appreciate what Polly was doing for him for once.

Apparently, they let you pick certain ingredients you wanted in whatever you got, but Basil was over it and just stayed back to let Polly do it. She mostly knew what he liked, but he was still a little upset she didn't get peppers on it.

"Alright, the total is 21.20." Oh. That was a lot...

Polly handed over 22, saying she could keep the rest. She handed Basil a water cup he didn't realize she asked for, taking the food to the one open table he saw. It was in a corner, but the amount of people was still overwhelming. Basil got the water as fast as possible and sat down as Polly got hers, putting his head in his arms on the table. He just wanted to be gone already. Now he had to force down this food when it was overpriced and wouldn't benefit him for more than a couple hours. She already spent so much money on him today.

Polly came back, pushing the bowl over to him, making Basil lift his head up. He sighed, hesitantly picking up the plastic fork she got for him. He stirred it around, taking a bit of the lettuce and putting it in his mouth. He was so hungry the lettuce with a smidge of sour cream tasted amazing, but he couldn't be enthusiastic about it at all.

"I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted; I just figured we should try something since this is the first time you've gone out with me in awhile." Basil shook his head, picking at it. He was hungry but just didn't care enough to actually want to eat it.

"No- it's okay. It's just... it was expensive. I feel bad." Polly waved it off. She got nachos. Looked better than what he got.

"Don't worry about it- your dad gives me spending money for you all the time. I've just been saving it for awhile, to be honest." Basil felt a shiver under his skin, freezing, trying to look like he didn't care that much. Knowing it wasn't Polly who bought it made it worse.

"He constantly tells me he wants to talk to you, you know. I can't make you do it, but I think it would make him happy to call him." Basil shook his head immediately. He would never do anything for someone like that, let-alone someone that did that to him. He deserved the worse death possible, along with Basil himself.

-

Basil only ate about 1/3 of the food before he was done. He was still overwhelmed by the people inside, even as it died down a bit. He ran away like usual to the bathroom, surprised to find it was a single room. He still had to pick between male and female, but no one was around, so he went into the men's.

Usually he'd take this time to hurt himself in some manner, but the motivation was low. He glanced at the cut on his leg again, fiddled with the sheers for a bit, then left once he was fairly sure Polly was ready. She had kept the rest of Basil's. It was fine. She could throw it out later.

When they got back to the laundromat, the dry cycle was done, but they had to hurry for the bus. Basil once again struggled to get the basket to the curb, but managed to get on the bus without dying, which was something.

Walking back, he saw Aubrey turning towards her house on the street when they were near the park, but he was far enough away to not be seen by her. What would she feel? Relieved, probably. Same with Kel and Hero. They had good memories, but the distance they had now would let them move on easy. Basil may not have been the most desired in the group, but he wasn't much of a problem when he was a kid, at least. A downer sometimes, but he didn't fight or argue. They wouldn't have to think about when anymore. It was clear he'd do it eventually. They obviously didn't care if they still hadn't noticed anything wrong with him. They wanted him to. To Basil, it felt obvious.

Getting back in the house, Basil was over everything. He brought the basket into his room and flopped on his unmade bed. He didn't fall asleep, didn't think about anything, and didn't move for about 30 minutes. Slowly, he started thinking about what he'd have to do today, and sat up. It gave him an impending feeling of doom, but at least he knew it'd be over soon.

I'm going to die today. Finally.

Basil had to rehearse what he'd say to Polly before he left. Should he leave a note? He made one for Sunny, but that was just for Sunny. Some people found it harder to get over if there was one. Basil didn't feel liked he'd be one of those people that were remembered fondly; they'd probably just mourn him in the past. He was a good friend. If they even thought that. Aubrey clearly didn't. Hero and Kel didn't care enough to try to be his friend again. They didn't know anything about how he was in the present or the truth of anything happened. They'd be mourning someone who already died.

Basil took one final look around his room, deciding to put his sheets on to make him seem more normal. The fact that he didn't manage to get one large blood stain on them this entire time was somewhat impressive to him. The same couldn't really be said for the mattress itself. He didn't care what would happen to the stuff he'd leave. He got rid of anything weird. It was clean for the most part. Whoever could have whatever, Basil didn't care about that.

"Oh... right..."

Should I really write a suicide note?

Basil looked at his bed. He spent a lot of time there. He remembered him and Sunny drawing their stupid ideas together on it, talking and laughing, and sometimes, just being next each other. He immediately teared up.

Everything is lost.

Basil got his English notebook and pen and sat down. He used the pen to scribble out particularly embarrassing or concerning drawings. Basil trashed his other notebooks once they were full. He'd taken the clips of the "good" art and put them either in the Sunny sketchbooks or in a folder on his bookshelf.

They're going to see my cuts anyway.

Halfway through he stopped covering the self harm and suicide art. If he died it wouldn't be a surprise. The drawings of Sunny... definitely covering those. He didn't have the chance and didn't want to go back outside to bury it. A good layer of sharpie was good enough.

Hello, Polly.

The first thing I want to say is that I'm sorry. I know you, even if we haven't really talked or spent time together. I just need to say that this is not your fault. I don't know how much you know about me but I hope it doesn't shock you too much. Grandma was pretty sick by the time you arrived. She kept my secrets under pretty tight lock and key and I doubt she warned you much about how bad it can get. My depression and anxiety has always been an issue. You know a bit about why, but I just can't take it anymore. I can't get better. In the end, it's better for both of us. You'll most likely find things in my room and the bathroom that will make you think less of me. I'm not expecting much but-

Basil sobbed.

-please make sure my funeral has lots of flowers.

He sat in silence for a few minutes straight.

Thank you for everything you did for Grandma and me. I doubt she'll be coherent again enough after this, but please don't tell her. She won't be able to take it.

Basil quickly drew a sunflower at the bottom of the page. He closed it and put the notebook on his pillow with the pen in the page, covering it with his blanket. He took a bit to get coherent, looked at his plants, and left.

"Hey. Heading out?" I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do to you. Basil nodded, pushing open the door.

"Try to be back around 5 at the latest, okay?"

"Okay. Bye, Polly." He sounded awful. He closed it.

"Haah..." Basil let out a shaky breath. He wanted to do better than that but he couldn't. She'd see his note eventually. He walked extremely slowly to the park. He froze at the entrance to the pond. Basil had no idea why. He'd wanted to kill himself since he was 10 and now that it finally was time, he couldn't?

Someone was there. Basil turned.

"H-hey Kel..." He was here again.

"...hey... Sunny..." Basil wanted him to go away. Should he wait until he left town? He couldn't.

"Sup, Basil? Nice to see you out and about! Are you feeling better after yesterday?"

"No. I-I mean... huh? Yesterday? W-what do you mean?" God, he wanted to kill himself now.

"You had a big stomach ache, didn't you? That's why you had to go to the bathroom?"

"A-ah... oh, right..." Basil looked down.

"... what happened to your arm?" Kel sounded genuinely concerned. Basil lifted it up.

"I-I don't know..." He knew he cut himself but didn't know how or when it was wrapped. Why didn't he take it off? The cut was barely visible.

"You don't know? Did Aubrey do this?!" Basil lowered it.

"Ah! Oh, u-um... no, she didn't. I scratched myself trying to pick up things in the garden last night. P-Polly overreacted and... wrapped it up..." Sunny eyed his arm then looked down at his legs. Basil stepped back. Did he know?

"Oh, I see! Sorry about that, man. Do you want to hang out with me and Sunny today?"

Basil looked at him. He still had a massive crush despite everything. Things had changed but Basil was still infatuated with him. The accident was what was keeping them apart. He still loved him. Tulip. My love. Sunshine. Sunny...

Sunny.

Sunny.

Sunny.

Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny Sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunnysunnysunnysunny-

I love him.

"Oh... um, I'd love to!" Basil could delay killing himself for him. He knew he looked really strange right there. He wasn't fully there but could feel that he had the manic eyes. Was he there or just high on love?

"Hero should be coming into town later too." Basil barely thought about him.

You hung his girlfriend.

"Oh... alright..." Basil tiptoed a couple inches closer to Sunny but couldn't do more but look at his feet. Being near him made Basil feel like he was going to explode. He'd get butterflies in more than his stomach; they went into his chest and filled his head with their uncoordinated flutters. He could feel his blood flowing through individual veins in his body. He didn't have the desire right now, but whenever he got like this, Basil usually had an undeniable desire to rip himself apart and get the feeling out .

"Oh yeah! Before Hero comes into town, we have to go get some stuff. My mom said we need to go to Gino's and Othermart." Two places Basil didn't like. He didn't want to go into Gino's at all. He was basically over his issue with Rai but didn't want to be seen in such a low state. Who the hell was he kidding, no one could even tell. They just thought he was kind of anxious and weird, not suicidal or cutting himself daily.

"I'm fine with anything Sunny wants to do." Kiss him. Kill him. Watch paint dry. Anything.

"Okay then! Away!" Basil chuckled halfheartedly. Sunny just started walking off in a random direction with Kel following behind him. Basil was a bit slow but caught up. He could ignore the pain in his leg.

Basil wanted to talk. He just didn't know how or what about. He could trust them. Not with a lot, but he'd had some things change. A lot of it was for the worse, but he could draw better. Learned watercolor. Had more plants. Polly was around. And... that was about it. No wonder no one liked him.

"Ow-" Why couldn't he have cut the fuck out of his leg before he was going to do it?

"You okay?"

"Ah... yeah. There's a rock in my shoe-" Not why he flinched but it was true. He quickly got it out. When he looked up Sunny's eyes met his for a fraction of a second which immediately made Basil blush and look away.

I miss him.

Sunny was Sunny but Basil was gone. He wasn't really sure when he actually died. It was easy to say it was right after Mari, but he wasn't sure. Basil had the bit of hope Aubrey would have held on and helped him, but he ruined that too.

I thought so much I stopped looking at him. He fixated more on how he looked. He'd gotten taller, which made sense. Him and Basil had always been about the same height and that was still true. He was pale. Made sense if he was inside the whole time. His hair was still pretty neatly cut; his mom must do it for him. Basil wanted to feel his hair. The little touches he'd had told him how soft it was near his neck and ears. The long parts were coarser and wirey but Basil liked playing with the spring of it.

Ah, he wished they could have a picnic by themselves. Fresh fruit and conversations, sun and grass... those simple things. Basil wanted the basics, like their thighs touching on the bus, or Sunny's head against his leg as he slept on the picnic blanket, or his hand on his back as they climbed through the trees. It meant he was wanted for small things and allowed to take up space. Nothing like how Aubrey treated him. Pouring ice and water on his head as he tried the simple task of just getting to school, where he didn't even have a choice of going. He didn't hate her but she'd lost his sympathy a long time ago.

Basil would try to reconcile with Hero before saying goodbye. If it was easy. He didn't have anything for Aubrey. She wasn't herself anymore. He wasn't himself. Hero surely wasn't. Kel seemed the same but he'd always hidden stuff. Sunny... honestly, Basil couldn't tell. He expected him to look how Basil felt. Exhausted, weak, disenchanted... no. Looked the same, just a bit taller and sharper. Carried himself the same way. Quiet.

Maybe that's why Basil liked him so much. He wasn't easy to figure out. Maybe he hated Basil, maybe he liked him back, maybe he just didn't care... Kel wanted to include Basil because he felt bad and Aubrey didn't like him because she blamed him for the group falling apart. Hero never seemed to care or talk to him much; he probably got forgotten by him.

Kel said something. Basil didn't pay attention and just hummed in agreement. They walked up to Ginos.

Rai was there...

Whatever. He was the weird one if he brought it up. Basil went in.

"Gino's pizza is the bomb!"

Basil went back out, hurrying along the side of the building and leaning against the wall. Of course they were here. He couldn't face Aubrey or any of her cohort of bullies. She didn't give a shit about him. It was all his fault but she blamed him for the group falling apart which technically wasn't his fault but it also was because he was the one who was too stupid to just call the police because of his dumb crush on a boy that didn't even love him-

Basil sobbed. He'd been crying a lot which was honestly nothing new, but actually seeing him in person made the feelings worse. He sat down and put his face in his knees. There were some kids over there by the fountain and he was crying like one. You look so stupid right now. It took about a minute but Kel came back outside and over to him.

"I didn't think Aubrey and her gang would be there right now. I'm really sorry." Whatever, Kel.

"It's not your f-fault..." It was his own fault he was getting bullied to begin with. He could have just said that Sunny scribbled out the pictures. He was about to leave. He could say that. Their friendship couldn't be salvaged anymore. She wouldn't believe him.

"It's... I just... it's been going on so long... I just..." Basil glanced at him between his knees. Scratching his neck all nervously... he just felt bad he hadn't been helping.

"It's whatever..." Dead soon.

"Man... I don't want to sound like an ass, but have you tried to get help for what she's been doing to you?" Basil was already calmed down. Having the certainty that he wasn't going to have to deal with any of this helped.

"Not really." He wiped his face off.

"Why not?" Basil sighed.

"I don't feel like it's bad enough." Lately, not really.

"Bad enough? Basil! Kim kicked you earlier!" He deserved worse.

"That's an exception. They mostly just shun me and pour cold water on me on the bus. It's not like they're hitting me anymore." Basil honestly preferred that. It at least showed he was in her thoughts, even if those thoughts were hating him. He was now an afterthought.

"Anymore?! What the heck!" Basil stood up and brushed the dirt off his shorts.

"I'm fine. It's been around a year since they've done anything." Basil started being emotionless during the physical aspects and it seemed to mess up Aubrey's enjoyment of it. Pain was pain. When it became emotional pain, though, Basil was easy to break.

"That's not fine! Man... I don't even know what to say."

"No one ever does." Slipped. He was supposed to say that's okay! I understand! Talking about these things is hard.

"Just... I'm sorry." Both of them looked down.

"Me too." Basil kicked the ground.

"We can talk about this later. I can ignore Aubrey and she ignores me, but I don't think she'll do the same if you're with us. We'll be back right after we get the food, if that's alright." He nodded. Basil was going to go do it. Maybe look at the flowers in Fix-it one last time.

"Goodbye, Kel." Basil smiled. He raised an eyebrow and waved.

"See ya." He went back inside. Basil let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, heading into the store. He didn't bring any money. He headed straight for the back.

Plants were the one thing Basil still really liked about life. Their diversity was truly amazing. He liked seeing their quirks in how they responded to different lights and watering. He liked seeing when they shifted towards the sun to tell him they were alive. He liked picking out pots to be their homes and giving them the space to grow into new ones when they became too small. He took a deep breath and smelled the familiarity of the wet concrete and basic flowers that most people planted outside; petunias, marigolds, geraniums. The little finches always loved sitting in the rafters, just chirping the same way they always had. He walked around, looking for anything new. It wasn't like he was buying anything, but he wanted to see some more beauty before he was gone.

"Oh wow... aren't you gorgeous?" It was a leafy plant with red leaves. The edges of the leaves were bright green. He bent over and gently felt one of its leaves.

"Hm..." Basil connected himself with sunflowers and like his name, basil. Just looking at this one, he felt it fit him well.

Flamethrower Coleus

Parts of the red were turning yellow, meaning it was trying to produce more chlorophyll and get more sunlight. It could be treated better.

"If... if it wasn't happening, I'd bring you home with me." He patted it and moved on. Nothing else was very interesting. There were some new rose bushes that came in a bit too late; they needed to be planted a couple months ago. There were a couple odd looking succulents that weren't worth the price. His anxiety was getting the better of him. Basil left.

-

Final moments. Anything else he should do? Basil waited by the entrance of the park, but couldn't think of anything else. He got rid of his embarrassing stuff, made a note, and said bye to Polly. He didn't say goodbye to Sunny, but Basil wasn't even sure if he'd care. He essentially ruined his life. He went to the pond. Still pretty. He went to the small clearing where he'd left the box and passed out.

"Oh." There was a lot more blood there than he'd remembered. It would get rained on and soak into the soil. Gave the plants nitrogen. He sat down and petted the grass before laying down.

I'm really going to kill myself?

Basil had thought about it countless times, but it was his first real attempt. There was a chance he might fail if he didn't go deep enough.

I don't want to do it.

He didn't know why he was hesitating. Just do it. He grabbed one of the blades, looking over it in the paper. How much time and money had he spent doing this? How many cuts? Too many to count. He felt the wrap on his arm. Maybe he should cut them up finally. He'd been wanting to. He just didn't like long sleeves. He opened it up and heard the bushes rustle, getting down. It was dense enough he wouldn't be seen but he wanted to make sure.

"So, I'm thinking we should get a few chairs and eventually a table, put those right there, then we can actually hang out here instead of at Gino's. He seems to be getting really mad about us being around so much."

"Psh, yeah. Too bad the dumb guy at Hobbeez said we can't go there anymore."

"You're the only one who can't go there. You broke the game by punching the buttons because you lost. I get why he banned you."

What are they doing here? It was Kim and the guy with the poofy hair. He always made fun of Basil for being gay. He'd never even told anyone that. Well, Aubrey knew he liked Sunny a bit more than normal, but not in that way. It was pretty easy to assume.

"Whaaaatever. Should we bring anything tonight?"

"Nah, Vance wants to swim so we can't play games. I'm gonna try to throw rocks at him and see how long it takes him to notice." Go away.

"Can I join in?"

"I thought you were gonna attempt to fish. That shit's not gonna work; you'll probably just catch a grocery bag, if you catch anything." He scoffed.

"I worked hard on it-" He started walking closer. Basil pulled the box with him and scooted farther back into a bush. He grabbed something at the edge of the treeline, swinging it around.

"Dude. You just tied a string to it." There weren't any fish in it. There were some toads, but it was still cold enough at night for some of them to be brumating.

"Yeah? It can work?" He could almost hear the eye roll.

"Let's go." He heard the pole get thrown into a bush near the entrance.

"Rude." They walked off. Basil relaxed his body.

Remember when you could be like that?

"Happy?" He looked up at the trees. Not really. Basil hadn't felt happy for more than a day or so since Mari died. Even when he had everyone around, he had a lot of bad days.

It won't get better.

He knew it. Basil opened up a blade and pushed his shorts up, looking at the large cut. It was irritated around the edges and stitches. He felt over it. It would be a nasty scar. He started cutting on the other side, not even really thinking about it.

What if they knew about this?

Basil rubbed a bit of the blood between his thumb and pointer finger. He didn't get why it was this of all things. After a few seconds, he realized; he didn't have any other way to deal with anything. Aubrey dealt with her anger by bullying him, Kel went into sports, Sunny shut himself in, and Hero left for college. Basil couldn't do that. He had art and gardening as outlets, but he rarely had the energy for it. This didn't take much.

For other bad coping methods, they took connections with other people; drinking and smoking being all Basil could really come up with that didn't. Couldn't buy those things because of his age, didn't have connections to get them. He could keep this to himself. It didn't burden anyone and he didn't have to worry about them eventually leaving him. If he didn't have stomach issues, overeating was all that really remained. He'd found his vice, bad as it was.

Basil stopped and put the blade back in the box, hugging his knees as the blood dripped. He didn't want to do it and didn't understand why. It had to be instinctual. Whenever he thought about it, it made sense for him to die.

What would I want to live for?

Grandma. Polly. His plants' lives. To avoid hurting everyone.

Not very much, is there?

Basil tried pushing on his head where he heard the voice coming from. He just wanted it to shut up. Even if it was gone, the exhaustion wouldn't. When nothing was wrong or he was having a good day, one where he went out and didn't think too much and didn't have nightmares, there was an overwhelming sadness that hung around him. It was enough to make him lay down again. It's constantly heavy.

Basil looked at a dandelion and patted it gently. It was lucky its seed didn't land on someone's driveway. They weren't even bad for the environment. Rabbits loved them. Bees loved them. They got thrown away regardless. He suddenly got angry and plucked it.

"You get to live, but I don't?" He immediately felt bad, sitting up. He plucked the petals and spread them around to try and make sure its seeds were spread, putting the stem back near its leaves.

I'm just avoiding it. Things will be better after.

Basil slowly got up, taking one of the blades and putting it in his pocket. He went to the dock, looking down.

I could drown. People would think it's an accident. They'd be less mad at me.

If he did it here, one of the hooligans would find him, but someone had to find him so they wouldn't try to keep looking. Polly always made sure he was back on time, which he didn't understand. He was old enough. He didn't get into trouble. He just hoped it wouldn't be Aubrey. Angel was younger and would probably be traumatized by it. Charlene was sympathetic and would be upset. Kim was close to Aubrey and that would affect her. Vance or the fake blonde guy would probably be best. He looked into the water at his reflection.

This is it.

Basil considered two possibilities of what would happen after he died. Nothing, or hell. To him, hell was his nightmares. It wasn't like he wanted that, but he'd be gone from here, meaning everyone else could move on. He'd go to hell to make sure everyone was free of him. His brain didn't have anymore nasty words for him after that. He was ready.

Chapter Text

Basil took a deep breath and sat down, looking at his arm. He felt over and looked at different veins, but he wanted to do his wrist. If that didn't finish the job, he'd do the outside of his arm. He didn't want to think about or even consider surviving.

Basil closed his eyes and listened to the trees in the wind. He didn't feel lighter, but his head was quiet for the first time in years. He could wait a few more minutes.

Felt like he was being watched. He shook it off and tried to get back into it. A bush moving made him look.

Shit.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Aubrey. Basil got up, but she came closer, followed by the rest of them. It was almost over and they came too early and ruined it-

"I- um... I just..." He glanced back at the statue. Reminiscing? He considered telling them for a split second before the voice shot him down. They don't care about you.

"This place is our secret hangout spot! You can't be here because you weren't invited!" Basil's heart started racing. It was about to be over. Against his will, he started crying.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?! I finally got it to be quiet and then you have to show up again, Aubrey! Do you hate me, or what?!" She turned away quickly. He could tell she didn't expect him to yell.

"Look, dude, we just want you to get out of here. We're not going to hurt you."

"Yeah, like I should believe that! That's all you do to me! For literal years now!" He should jump in.

"Be quiet! Someone's gonna find this place..." Basil started hyperventilating. There was no good solution. He couldn't even think of a solution. I just want it to be quiet. He crumbled down, shaking, looking at his hands in the grass.

"Hey, stop it! What are you doing to Basil?!" Kel. Basil's vision was going blurry. Help me.

"We weren't doing anything to him, he just started screaming at us for no reason!" He leaned down on his knees, pulling his hair. They kept arguing but it just blurred. What am I supposed to do? I was ready.

"Help..." They were fighting. Sunny was back. Basil shook his head. He couldn't run. He'd just have to wait and hope nothing else stopped him. More yelling. Please just stop.

"...what would Mari think?" Basil twitched. Aubrey faced him. He stumbled up and backed up. He could try to run through the woods. He didn't care if anyone found him anymore if it meant he didn't have to experience this.

"Why do you keep bringing her up? Do I have to keep saying it? Mari is already dead!"

It's your fault.

I want to die.

The surroundings blurred even more. He couldn't tell what was happening until Aubrey yelled.

"Why? Why do you guys keep coming back? I just want you to leave me alone!"

"What's your deal with Basil? Why won't you leave him alone?! You used to be friends! We all used to be!"

"You think I'm the bully, but you're all messed up to. Where were you when Mari died? Where were any of you?!"

surviving

Aubrey ran over. Basil stepped back, feeling his shoe on the edge of the dock.

"And you... you're the worst, Basil. How dare you show your face to me after what you did!"

"Aubrey, I-" Didn't do it. He looked at Sunny. 

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

A flash of movement, then it was quiet again.

She pushed me.

She knows I can't swim, and she pushed me.

...It's not my fault anymore.

It was just a muddy grey; no bright reflecting light on the surface like the movies.

I love you.

He inhaled. It burned. He immediately regretted it. The same clawing sensation he felt in his wrists when the urges were overwhelming were telling him he needed to go back up. I can't breathe. Help me. Basil tried to swim, but he couldn't. He couldn't do anymore. He was gone.

-

Sunflowers. There was a ring of them. The sky was still murky. Basil was tired. He didn't want to get up. He laid on his side and reached out for one of the flowers. He liked the white. As soon as he touched it, it turned blue and the sky turned red. After Basil looked back, it was now a rose.

-

I'm alive.

Basil wasn't sure of it for awhile. He felt comfortable in the field and was first disturbed by movement, followed by the weight of his clothes. There was a bit of darkness, then he felt his bed under him. It wasn't anything like the flowers. Pretty quickly, he was coughing, feeling the water burn in the back of his throat before it came out onto a pillow. Someone else was in the room.

"Just cough it out." He could feel the water in his lungs mixing with the weak breaths of air he could manage. Taking enough air in to cough felt impossible. He felt a hand on his back that gave him the motivation to do it, getting out more than the first time.

"Who-" More coughing. Basil couldn't talk. He put his head back down. Please just let me die. He felt someone move his head off of the wet areas.

"I'll be right back." Basil was about to pass out again, but heard talking.

"Hey, Sunny. I really don't want to say this, but... I think I have to stay here for tonight. Basil should be fine with some rest if he coughs most of the water up, but I need to take care of him while Polly takes care of his grandma. I'll try to come over early in the morning if I can." Oh. Basil knew who it was.

"It's okay, bro. If Basil needs you, he needs you." I don't need anyone. Please just let me go. He coughed and teared up, turning on his side. He was confident it would work.

"I'll take a nod, Sunny. I'll see you two. If he's not better by the morning I'll ask Polly about taking him to the hospital." Don't. He'd have to fake feeling better as soon as possible. Basil propped himself up on his elbow, looking around the room, quickly laying back down. Spinning. The notebook was still under the covers and there was a chair next to him. He felt cold and nauseated like he had a fever. Maybe he did. Breathing in water didn't do that, right? He looked down at himself.

Someone changed my clothes.

Someone touched you.

Basil shook his head and pulled the pants up further. No, they didn't. None of them would do that. He had on another oversized t-shirt and some older plaid pajama pants from the thrift store.

Wait. He felt his thigh.

It's wrapped.

The door opened. Basil looked away as it did. Hero sat in the chair nearby, Basil turning towards the wall.

"How do you feel?"

"Shitty." Sounded that way, too. Basil coughed up more water a couple times before he said anything else. It was almost out.

"So... what happened?" No one else told him?

"Aubrey- ahem- pushed me into the lake." Big simplification.

"I... yeah. Kel told me that. I mean... between, y'know... then and now."

"Aubrey hates me." Her friends, too.

"It... seems that way. I don't think it's real." Basil shook his head, laying down.

"She hates me." He coughed again.

"Why do you think that? I know I'm out of the loop, but Kel still talks to me every once in awhile. I know she's been bullying you, just not how or why." So now that Basil was ready to die, one of his old friends wanted to play therapist?

"She tried to kill me. I can't swim and she knows that." He knew she wasn't trying to do that. He knew Sunny didn't try to do that.

"It was an accident." Basil sighed.

"I'm alive, so... doesn't matter." He knew the pain she'd feel if he did die and didn't want that, even if things hadn't or wouldn't be good between them. He didn't think about it before he breathed in the water. It felt like he was thinking while thinking so often that he couldn't focus on anything for more than a few seconds.

"It does." He was done.

"Are you r-really going to stay here all night? I'm fine-" With perfect timing, he went into a coughing fit. Hero came over and patted his back somewhat hard. Basil didn't like it, but it helped. He caught his breath and Hero sat back down.

"I just need to make sure you don't have any other symptoms." It was just water.

"I just need to cough it out, I can do that." Leave me alone. He'd have to go back to the pond again. He only had one new blade left, and it was there.

"It's... not about that..." He sounded a lot more hesitant at that. Did he know what he was going to do? He probably had a few psychology classes by now.

"...then what is it about?" Hero didn't say anything for awhile.

"Your legs." Basil curled up a little.

"I saw when I changed your clothes. I knew about your scars and didn't want Polly to see because I didn't know if she knew, so I said you'd be more comfortable if I did it, but..." He sounded on the verge of tears. If Basil just did it sooner, he wouldn't have had to make Hero feel this. He probably still believed he'd get better.

"You really need to go to the hospital. I can't believe you stitched it yourself." He felt over the bandages.

"I really don't want Polly to know. She'll blame herself." He just wanted to keep doing it and couldn't if she knew.

"I mean... I'm not trying to be rude, but... you're very clearly depressed and more than normal. Are you not in any kind of treatment?" Basil held the back of his head.

"No. It won't help." He was still set on killing himself. It was just a matter of when he'd be able to leave. He'd have to wait until Hero was gone and Polly was asleep. He didn't really have the option to go back to the lake. He'd just have to take one of the kitchen knives. He didn't want to hurt Polly but he couldn't think of a better way to-

"It would. We... we've all been through a lot. If I hadn't gone to therapy, I don't know where I'd be, but it wouldn't be good-" Basil heard him cover his mouth as his voice broke.

"Like me. Or worse." What would therapy even do for him? He couldn't even talk about half of it. Basil was aware of his issues.

"No- I don't want you to think that way. I just... it hurts seeing you like this. I want to help but I have college and I have to work and I'm in two different clubs and just- I barely have time to think. I need to help..." Basil understood, but still felt angry. He partially did want help, because it told him everything he did caused someone to notice he was slipping; that his pain was so bad that someone could see past it for once. If he said how he felt, he wouldn't be taken seriously. Haven't you thought that way before? Think happy thoughts! If he was aware of being depressed, he'd be told to get over it. With Mari and Sunny, move on. Thinking about it is bad, would probably be the solution. Basil couldn't move on from it.

"I'll figure it out. I don't like it either." I'm still killing myself. He went through the extent of sewing his leg shut in an hour to hide it in time to eat dinner because he was sooo ready to finally talk about everything.

"I... I'm glad to hear that. We need to see if we can get you to a doctor sooner than later because of your leg. Since you fell in the lake, there's a good chance it got infected." He didn't care.

"It's not that deep." He really just wanted him to leave. It wasn't worth it for him to waste his effort.

"You need debridement. I didn't want to prod around, but even the other ones you have are deep enough to warrant stitches. Then... most of your scars... they're large and wide. If you felt like you felt like you had to stitch this one, then it's deeper than all the others and I can tell it by-"

"Hero- I know..." He had to lie and reassure him.

"Sorry." Basil looked and saw his arm was also rewrapped.

"I've had cuts like this heal fine before." It sounded like a lie, because it was. He'd never gone that deep.

"I'm pretty sure it's infected. Do you feel sick?" Basil felt his forehead.

"Kind of, b-but it's normal..." Nausea, dizziness, and fatigue were constant. He couldn't tell the difference. I want to kill myself.

"How do you feel?" Like I want to kill myself.

"Tired." Even Basil was upset by how pathetic it sounded.

"What about like... fever, chills, dizziness?" He shook his head.

"I don't know anymore-" He was overwhelmed and started crying. He couldn't take anymore prying. He just wanted to scream it- I'm going to kill myself. You can't stop me. I can't do it. I'm going to kill myself.

"Basil..."

"I know, I'm pathetic..." He grasped his hair, sobbing.

"We need to get you help..."

"Why? Sunny's leaving, you already left, Kel's off in la la land, and Aubrey can't stand me! None of us are even friends anymore! Kel is only somewhat nice to me because he has to be and because  that's how he is. You guys don't know anything-" Cough.

"I don't know what's happened in the last few years, but I know you. This isn't you." Leave.

"Then what is 'me?' I'm definitely not sunshine and rainbows anymore, and to be honest, I never really was. Please just leave..."

"First and foremost... you're kind. You always try your best. You know yourself. He's just... lost." He looked up at the painting. Basil just wanted to dump all the pain and see when he'd finally give up.

"I'll find him." Leave. I want to help myself, see? If I pretend I want help, will you leave?

"How?" I don't know.

"Therapy? I haven't tried in awhile..." He didn't know what else a therapist could even expand on. Basils main fears were being alone, useless, and unwanted. This were caused by his parents leaving him, his friends leaving, being unable to help them due to his guilt and fear of exposing Sunny, and losing himself in the process. Sunny was supposed to stay. Even if everyone else left, Sunny was supposed to. He was the one that knew. No one would love him if they knew. He couldn't pretend and lie to everyone to keep it together. He'd have to find new friends. Basil didn't believe anyone would want him in any state, especially this. Or, if there was a state where he was wanted, he had no idea where or how to get there. That wouldn't be him. He would rather be alone forever than feel abandoned again. Being alone terrified him. Theoretically, he might be able to adapt to that. But, even if things were okay between everyone, even if he was never abused, he didn't deserve to live because of what he did to Mari. He should have done it right after. He didn't deserve these few years to be alive. He should already be in hell. It's better to just die.

"It's the best start. Medications, too." Ugh.

"I'll talk to Polly about it." If it was that easy, he would have by now.

"Thank you."

Of course. One of Basil's old traits was that he was honest. He'd believe him.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here. Being in town just gives me a lot of bad memories..." Me too, and I live here.

"I wish I could leave... I don't know what I'm going to do once highschool ends." The answer was nothing. Even before he was set on killing himself, Basil only could imagine himself right where he was: rotting. He couldn't see himself as an adult. Just a couple inches taller and even more tired. He probably wouldn't get much taller if he decided to live.

"You're smart enough to go to college. Have you looked into it?" He shook his head. He really didn't want to try and think about the future.

"Can't afford it. Can't do it. I'm smart, but I'm not functional, which is more i-important." Gardening was the only think Basil liked and there wasn't a real way to make a career out of that. He knew he couldn't handle the labor of landscaping. Being a florist or opening a plant nursery were the closest things, but he liked plants because he grew attached to them and understood they were alive. He didn't want to give them away. Other people would kill them.

"You can get there." Basil pulled the blanket over his head.

"You can go hang out with Sunny. I'm fine. If I really need something I can get P-Polly." He wanted to sleep, if he could. He could wait until the morning to sneak out.

"If you're sure..." He didn't seem sure.

"Hero, I've been dealing with this for four years, a few hours alone is fine." He made a noise like he was about to say something but didn't, getting up.

"I get it. I really just don't want you to think I gave up or forgot about you." Four years; kind of seems like you forgot. Basil thought about them constantly. He didn't know what else to think about. There was a future that didn't exist and a present he couldn't bother caring about in the slightest.

"It's fine." Really wasn't. Basil peaked his head out just a bit, glancing back at him standing near the door.

"Do you want to hang out tomorrow? If you feel up for it, of course." They were too late.

"I don't know yet. Just come by at like... noon." That gave him enough time to disappear. Basil was going to go into the woods behind the park and hope that one older homeless guy found him. He didn't interact with him but he took care of the stray cats, which told Basil he wouldn't do anything weird to him.

"Okay. I hope you feel better." I won't, but-

"Thank you." He turned off the light and closed the door. He heard his grandmas room door open and close.

"He's not doing well." Wow. Way to keep a secret.

"Was he able to get some of the water up? I had no idea he didn't know how to swim, or that there was even a pond here."

"Yeah, he was. That's not what I really meant. I don't want to get into it, but... he really needs help. Like, mentally. Me, my brother, and Sunny have known Basil since he was 10 and he's not right at all. We never really talked much, but... he can't get through it by himself. He's not a kid anymore, but... he's changed. I really don't want something to happen to him." Basil felt over the bandages, wanting to touch the cuts.

"I know there's something going on... I just have no idea about how to help him. He won't tell me anything. I don't know if it's something at school, or in town, or his past, or if it's just teenager stuff, but... I feel useless." All of the above.

"It's not my place to tell you, but it's multiple things. I don't know much either. I can try to tell you some of it... our friend group fell apart after... I still don't know how to say it... my girlfriend- Sunny's sister- she... she committed suicide. Basil and Sunny found her. Aside from losing her, seeing that... it had to have hurt him a lot. Sunny had to drop out of school and I also had to for a few months. Sunny doesn't seem much different, but Basil is." He wasn't wrong, but he rarely talked to him, even as a kid. Basil never thought that Hero might think that Mari committing suicide would influence him to do the same. Because she didn't.

"That... oh god..." Now Polly would never see him the same. She'd feel worse. Hero shouldn't have told her that. He genuinely believed that Basil would willingly get help.

"Please... just watch him." God dammit.

"I... I will. I know he's depressed and anxious but I didn't know something like that happened. Thank you for telling me."

"Thank you for taking care of him and his grandma. Basil really loves her." Basil closed his eyes. He was legitimately tired. He might screw it up if he didn't sleep. Sleeping probably wouldn't go well either.

"Have a good night. As best as you can."

"You too." The door opened and closed a few seconds later. Basil was glad he was gone. He didn't have to push too hard for it. He rolled on his side, coughing, now aware of the sound of the water in his lungs. Didn't sound much different than his grandma.

Imagine if she knew how you were.

"It would kill her."

Basil was glad she wasn't aware of what state he was in. She tried to help as best as she could at first, but he just couldn't accept it. If he didn't have any influence in Mari's death, Basil would have accepted it. But he was the bad guy. He should've known better than that. He didn't deserve anything. What if she knew what he did? What if anyone did? Basil curled up, holding his head. He couldn't even imagine a reaction. When he tried in his mind, her face would just become expressionless. He didn't and never would tell her, even if he could. He was truly done. Basil gestured the motion of stabbing himself in the stomach, repeating it. He closed his eyes, imagining the quiet again. He knew it was his anxiety and other slew of issues, but it felt like there was a never ending buzz between his muscles and bones that always kept him on edge. Basil couldn't remember the last time he felt relaxed. He still didn't know if or what would be there after he died, but it had to be better than this.

He was just fantasizing, but stabbing himself was the better option over trying to cut. He could and had gotten everything to stop bleeding with enough time, pressure, and adjusting, but hitting his organs was different. He felt over his stomach. It wasn't like there was much to stop it. He still sometimes thought about taking them out. It wasn't for the gender stuff, just for the pain. He liked pain because it was some feeling apart from stress, or anxiety, or depression. It was lived and physical. It didn't feel like he was being stupid or overreacting because it wasn't in his head. He was in pain and it was valid, even if it was self inflicted. If anything, Basil didn't care enough about his physical pain. His leg was probably damaged by now. He didn't know enough about anatomy to know if it was or not, but Hero cared a lot more than he did. Big scar, big deal...

What if any of them knew?

Sunny did. Basil couldn't tell how he felt towards him. He was too scared to really interact or talk for the few chances he had. His best guess was that he was pretending Basil wasn't there to avoid feeling it. If there was an "it", Basil's guess was disgust or hatred.

Aubrey would kill him. She tried today over something not nearly as bad. He deserved it. She voiced how she felt.

Basil couldn't imagine Kel actually accepting it. Kel was much more of a light, but Basil knew he also ignored things to avoid feeling them. He still stuck up for Basil on occasion. He'd feel guilty about doing that. If anyone would come close to forgiving him, it was Kel.

Hero? Basil wasn't clueless, but knew he wouldn't be kind and honest like he was now. Imagine if it was the opposite. If him and Mari lied about Sunny, and Basil found out...

He couldn't really imagine the feeling. Basil had an enormous amount of self hatred and guilt, but he couldn't even make a scenario to hate someone more than he hated himself.

None of them would accept it in a good manner, and Basil couldn't live with it, meaning he had to die. It was protecting Sunny, but it was also protecting himself. No one would knew he covered up a murder. He knew Sunny didn't mean it, but he didn't know what else to call it.

I feel its eyes.

"Can you leave me alone?" Basil felt it touch his hair, putting it behind his ear. Gravity. Just gravity.

"It's your fault." Basil moved his face into his pillow in an attempt to ignore it.

"I know that." It was getting closer.

"Liar." Basil haphazardly kicked the blanket, pulling one of the stitches pretty bad.

"Again. Yeah. Saying it again and again and again helps a whole lot, thank you." Oh, I'm flat-out hallucinating. It's not even in my head anymore.

"Everyone hates you." Basil wanted to turn, but he didn't want to see something again. He pulled the blanket over his head together and ignored the paranoid lines getting louder and louder in his head. He got broken out of it as he heard Polly talk a little, but he snapped back to it not long after. He hyperventilated for awhile, scratched his throat, irritated his cuts by ripping the scabs off, then was tired out enough to stop.

After about 20 minutes, Basil was nodding off, but he was still too scared and paranoid to actually succumb to sleep. More time passed without him knowing when it was. There was a knocking at the door. Basil ignored it. If he moved, it was going to get him. What would it do? He didn't know, just that it was worse than anything he'd done to himself. He tried to hold his breath but the water made him cough.

"Basil. I need to talk to you." Basil weakly shook his head. It knocked again.

"Please." Make it end.

"It's your grandma..." Basil got up immediately and opened the door. He didn't feel tired anymore. He saw a shadow over Polly but it went away.

"What's wrong?" Polly went to her room. Basil followed. I know it.

"Her oxygen is low and her heart rate is very high. She needs to go to the hospital." Basil hurried over to her. She still wasn't conscious.

"Okay? H-How?" Basil would carry her if he had to.

"I already called for an ambulance. I... don't want to say it, but..."

"Is she going to die?" Polly covered her mouth, looking at the floor.

"I... I don't know. There are a few things that would cause it, but... I'm pretty sure I know what it is." Basil hugged her.

"What?"

"Well... you said you'd be back by 5 today and you weren't, so... I was calling around and trying to see if anyone knew anything, and then your friends brought you here. I was trying to tend to you and didn't get to changing her position until about an hour ago. Because of the reduced blood flow from her laying, that increases the chance of blood clots. When one of those travels to the lungs, it can block blood flow to them. The heart tries to work harder to get blood to the lung and clear the blockage, and... that can lead to heart failure. If that's what it is, she'll need blood thinners and possibly surgery, and with her current state of health..." Basil shook his head, putting his head against hers.

"No... no, no, no-" It's all my fault. Polly came over, putting her hand on his back.

"She's not gone. There's a chance."

"I know it already..." Basil heard a car pull up. No sirens. They weren't rushing her there. He pulled back, holding her face. Polly didn't say anything else. I need to give her flower back... Basil reached for it.

"Oh..." It fell off. Probably in the lake. I took everything from her...

Polly went outside. Basil looked at the orchid.

My thoughts will follow you into your dreams.

Basil really hoped his thoughts didn't. 

He dissociated until he was in the ambulance, looking at the orchid, the bright lights snapping him out of it just a bit. The shadows around him were really starting to get frustrating.

"She'll be okay. We're taking care of her." He put his hand on hers. Is she really about to be gone?

"Her heart rate is stabilizing but her oxygen is still low." Is this it?

Basil was guided by one of the paramedics into a room as his grandma was transferred onto a bed. He couldn't make himself feel like he was here. Everything was blurry. I fell asleep, right?

"We'll get her into surgery shortly." All Basil could tell was that he was male.

"...why not now?"

"We're full right on patients right now." Basil looked.

"Do you care if she dies?"

"What?"

"Do you even care if someone dies? You see it everyday. People die everyday. Do you notice when someone does?" Basil's eyes were wet.

"I do. We just can't save everyone." He sighed shallowly.

"Okay." Tomorrow. He left.

Basil looked, moving some hair away from her face. Her eyes opened.

"Basil..." He looked behind himself. No one. He heard it again. Her hand was up a bit. Basil took it.

"Grandma? Grandma!?" She was here! Basil was terrified and excited at the same time. He hadn't heard her in a month!

"Are we in the hospital?" Basil hugged her again.

"Mhm..." He was now realizing how much he missed her. All he could think, however, was-

"I'm so sorry..." He felt her hand on his back.

"I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry- please-" Basil was shaking.

"What for, honey?" He pulled back, looking in her eyes. There wasn't that feeling of avoidance, or pity, or hatred Basil felt from everyone else's. He couldn't and wouldn't tell her. Basil didn't know what to say. He wanted to say anything and everything but she didn't need that.

"It's... nothing."

"You can tell me." He could say one thing.

"Sunny is moving away..." She looked surprised.

"Oh... I'm sorry, dear. Do you know where to?" Basil shook his head. He went over and sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping his hand on hers.

"I don't know. I don't know what to do when he's gone. I'll be alone..." Basil was still set on it.

"Nonsense. What about Aubrey? Kel and Hero? Mari?" Basil wiped his eyes. She must of forgotten.

"We... w-we aren't really friends anymore. A lot has happened." Basil really didn't have anyone. She was all that was left and he knew she was about to be gone.

"Your mother is here." Basil looked at her.

"What?"

"Your mother is in this hospital. Or, I think she was..." She looked off to the side. Basil heard the heart monitor increase in speed.

"Faraway general? T-That's where we are..." Basil had never even thought to ask where she went. He assumed she just left somewhere or was dead.

"Yes. My poor girl..." She seemed to be losing consciousness again. This was probably Basil's last chance.

"Grandma, I love you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I..." I'm sorry.

"Of course..." Basil rubbed her hand.

"Goodbye."