Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Erika’s life has been a mess lately.

That might as well be an understatement of the century. Between fighting murderous dragons to being trapped in a Crystal for seven years, there is a point in time where she started getting desensitised to all the weird things that happened in her life. 

She could read familiar’s thoughts? That’s fine.

She was connected to Leiftan and was able to feel his emotions? Weirder things have happened.

The barrier between Earth and Eldarya was disappearing and the two worlds were quickly becoming one? This one was admittedly hard to swallow, but she didn’t find herself too surprised at the notion.

But then again, even with all the chaos, drama and strangeness that she seemed to attract, none of it prepared her for that moment:

‘‘You’re pregnant.’’

Ewelein said, bluntly. Erika was taken aback for a second, trying to process the words that came out of the nurse’s mouth and what it would mean to her.

She felt a weird sort of detachment from the announcement. It’s not like it was something she suspected, nor it was something she even thought possible at all. When she came to the infirmary after the Genkaku mission, all she expected from her obligatory check-up was a remark about how she didn’t come back hurt for once and to be congratulated by the return of her powers. Maybe be chided for not having enough iron in her system. But pregnancy? That was the last thing she ever expected to hear.

‘‘Excuse me, what?’’ Erika stared back at the nurse, eyes widening in horror. ‘‘How is that even possible? I know it’s annoying to mention it at this point, but you are aware that I was in a coma for seven years, right? I’ve only been awake for… What? Two months at this point? I’m not even used to having a body again. I haven’t been sleeping around much.’’

‘‘That’s why I asked for another blood sample. I thought it might’ve been an error, but all results came out positive. You are pregnant.’’

Ewelein held out the exams and mechanically explained how the exam worked. Erika wasn’t able to properly focus on her words, but she had the faint impression that Ewelein was doing it more for herself than for Erika’s sake, anyway. 

‘‘There’s no way around it. Haven’t you been feeling symptoms? anything at all?’’

Erika thought about it well.

She hadn’t had her period since she woke up, but like a lot of other weird things she had been feeling lately, Erika chalked it up to being trapped inside of the Crystal for so long. 

She didn’t have any use for her legs inside of the crystal, so she had to get used to walking again. She didn’t have to eat, so it took a while before she got used to the feeling of hunger and the sensation of eating.

Her body was in stasis, so when she regained function and started, you know, living again she figured that it would take some time before her reproductive organs started working like normal again. They were not a priority, after all, not when she was under the assumption that she wasn’t carrying a child.

The nausea she started feeling recently? She rationalised it as being the result of seasickness and grief.  

After the initial shock and denial at Edgard’s sudden and brutal death, Erika felt as if she had experienced the whole spectre of human emotions in the span of a single, painfully long day. 

By the end of the boat journey, she was exhausted. Both physically, due to the strain that the overuse of her powers caused and psychological, due to the emotional rollercoaster she was put through. 

A little nausea was to be expected, right?

It only now hit her that she went through quite a couple of fights while carrying a child, was hit and overused her powers. The fact that they were still alive astounded her.

‘‘You haven’t answered my question.’’

‘‘So, when two people like each other very much, they—’’

‘‘I know where babies come from, clearly. I just mean, how is that possible when the last time I’ve been with someone was so long ago?’’

‘‘We did discuss what might’ve happened to your body when you were trapped, didn’t we? I think that your pregnancy confirms that your body was in a state of stasis during the whole time you were there. The second you got out, all the normal functions went back to what they used to be the second you made the sacrifice… But… that’s just a hypothesis. We can’t really erase the possibility of this being--’’

‘‘The Crystal?’’

The thought horrified her. 

If having to deal with this being thrown in her face wasn’t bad enough, there was the possibility of it not being the result of a passionate goodbye between lovers, but the result of the Crystal meddling with her life, again.

It seemed strange, even for her already unbelievable circumstances, but considering everything that she went through, she couldn’t exactly discard that theory.

Ewelein, who was bound by duty and still kept herself professional despite the absurdity of the situation, ran through all the options that Erika had at her disposal at the moment.

She was kind and gentle when explaining to Erika what to expect from her pregnancy, and held her hand during the entire explanation, as a way to show comfort. She offered to bring to her a book on the subject, and deliver it to her bedroom discreetly, which was promptly accepted, and assured her that she wouldn’t tell anyone, not even Huang Hua until Erika had calmed down and made her decision.

As a friend, she suggested that it might be a good idea for Erika to contact the father (and even offered to do it on her behalf if necessary) which was declined. 

As much as Erika was dreading the conversation that they would have, she knew that she needed to tell Nevra herself.

But how could she even begin to explain what happened to him? 

When only recently he started warming up to her again?

Nevra would never be cruel enough to completely abandon them, and Erika just knew that he would be doting and kind to their child, as he was with all those within his care. But, at the same time, she was afraid of being faced with rejection. It’s not like she could demand a relationship after so long, and forcing it on him using their child as an excuse just seemed downright evil. 

She couldn’t sacrifice his freedom like this.

That’s why, in a moment of pure desperation, Erika chose to ignore her plight and avoid him as much as she possibly could.

It tore her up inside, but what else was she supposed to do? 

Yeah, she could sense all the disappointed looks that Ewelein shot her, but true to her word, she didn’t say a word. Not when she delivered the book to Erika’s room that night, not a week later when Erika visited the infirmary after being accidentally cut by Mathieu’s sword during fighting lessons and not two weeks later when they went to the beach on Ewelein’s day off.

She diligently scheduled Erika’s next visit, and Erika knew that she couldn’t exactly pretend like nothing was happening anymore.

‘‘At least you have been eating well.’’

 Ewelein read through her exam results. Nodding in approval. While she hadn’t said anything directly, she had sent Karuto a detailed list of foods that Erika should consume and avoid, and increased her portions. Eating has been difficult since she woke up, as she couldn’t even stomach certain foods without feeling sick, but it got easier after they were able to narrow down her menu to things that she could tolerate. 

The downside is that now Erika was sure that Karuto knew, or at least suspected that something was up. He never said anything, though, which Erika was incredibly grateful for.

‘‘But you know that stress isn’t good for you, right? I mean, in general .’’

‘‘Ewelein, sweetheart, when have I not been stressed?’’

She smiled, though the attempt at a joke wasn’t well-received.

‘‘I’m serious. If you intend on keeping this baby you need to start taking care of yourself. That means sleeping normal hours, eating well, not getting in danger and not getting stressed out.’’

As much as she wanted to argue, she knew perfectly well that Ewelein was right and that she was trying to look out for her, and that’s exactly why it was so frustrating .

It was easy to ask Erika to sleep normal hours or to not be stressed, but every single time Erika closed her eyes she found herself thinking about how Edgard’s throat had been slit. About his blood tinting the snow red.

She found herself wondering if that could be her, in the near future. 

Would she be lucky enough to come back, if she were to die again? If she did, would her baby come back too?

She found herself longing for Nevra and his comforting words, then remembering how quick he was to act coldly towards her when she awoke. 

He was being nice now, but would he revert to his coldness once she told him about their child? Would he hate her? Would he send her away? Would he call her a liar? Would he—

She was hyperventilating.  

She felt someone gently, but firmly, hold her hand and lead them away from her hair. She noticed, distantly, pain on her scalp.

She must’ve been pulling on it again.

Ewelein told her to take deep breaths, so she did until she calmed herself enough to fully get back to the present time.

She had been spacing out a lot more than she used to, but it probably wasn’t another pregnancy symptom.

Erika stayed in the infirmary for way longer than she expected to once she left for her check-up. Ewelein apologises for pushing her and gives advice, but Erika couldn’t for the life of her remember what it was. 

The only thing in her mind was the sudden, concrete realisation that there would be no escaping from her fate:

She would have to tell him, no matter how much it terrified her.

If not for herself, for the sake of her child.

Chapter Text

Lately, Erika has had a lot on her shoulders.
You could say that this statement was true for most of her time in Eldarya. Ever since she got here, and was chosen by the crystal to save this world, people had placed their expectations on her.
It was a little easier to deal with it in the beginning, when she thought that Eldarya was just going to be a strange story to tell to her friends when she went back home, but it became an increasingly difficult burden to bear once it was clear that she wouldn’t be able to go back.

She was their saviour.
Their white sacrifice.
Some days, when she noticed little kids staring at her in awe, and was stopped by strangers thanking her for her deeds, she thought herself more of a legend than a person.

It makes things difficult, of course, but she couldn’t possibly resent them for thinking of her like this. Not when there’s a statue in her likeness in the HQ.
So she does her best to act the part.
Be wise and brave, in hopes that maybe one day she won’t be as scared as she is now.

—-

Erika makes her way through the HQ slowly. She isn’t in a rush to get to the meeting room, as she is currently trying to rack her brain to find excuses to either get out of going on a mission or dodge any questions about a possible pregnancy.
It didn’t help that fatigue was taking a toll on her, and she had been up for hours at this point since she promised to help Koori pick out a new outfit (a process that took way longer than she expected it to, and strangely involved a lot of sword fighting).
She was already tired, but content with how her day had been going. It was warm and pleasant outside, she was able to stomach her meal without feeling sick for once and she felt as happy as one could be in her place. Erika was ready to call it a day and take a nap until dinnertime, but Huang Hua had summoned her to the meeting room, so that was out the table immediately.

She couldn’t even gather the energy to be anxious.
Erika had already resigned to her fate.
Hiding a pregnancy had its consequences, and this was one of them.

Walking up the stairs to the meeting room, Erika considered passing by the infirmary to ask Ewelein to come up with an excuse for why she couldn’t participate in any missions in the time being when she sees him:

Nevra.

In Erika’s defence, she was trying hard to find the right time to tell him.
It wasn’t her fault that he was always too busy with work to have enough time to talk or that in the few times that they did cross paths it just didn’t feel like a good time.

Call her an optimist, but she thought that whatever evil higher being that was looking over them would at least grant her enough mercy to let her tell him at her own time.

And this wasn’t it. He was exiting the meeting room, the same place that she was walking towards, and had noticed her. Part of Erika wanted him to pretend like she didn’t exist like he often did nowadays, but he wasn’t feeling merciful today.

“Erika.” She stopped, dead in her tracks. “Ewelein was looking for you.”

Maybe she was overthinking it, but she couldn’t help but notice that he seemed… Worried about her. It made something inside her squirm with joy.

“O-oh… Did she… Tell you what it’s about?”

“No, but it did seem important.’’

“I’ll be sure to see her soon.” Erika pauses, for a second. She doesn’t want to talk about it in the middle of the corridor, but it doesn’t seem right to just let the conversation end there. “I… It’s good that I ran into you. I was wondering… If you’re free, can you meet me tonight? I need to talk to you about something important.”

The words came out before she could stop them. Nevra’s expression turned into something more serious— that guarded, neutral one that she didn’t know well enough to accurately read.

“If it’s that important, you can tell me now.”

Okay, so that was a bad idea.
Nevra was quite irritable these days. It was difficult finding him in a good mood, and on the rare occasion when she managed it, it seemed like she always said or did the wrong thing and it would set him off.
Talking to him was like walking on eggshells, and Erika wasn’t known for being particularly delicate or tactful.
So, more often than not, she would end up angry at him which would lead to him being annoyed at her. It was a never-ending cycle that she was so tired of.

“I’m afraid that it’s quite personal, and a little more complex than what a conversation on a corridor would allow.’’

“I’m busy tonight.’’

He says, she can’t help but notice the finality of his tone. Why did he have to be so difficult?

“Wow, Huang Hua must be working you ragged.’’

The guardian says, chuckling good-naturedly. His expression gets even more serious, and she notices pity in his eye when he looks down at her.

“I have the night off today.’’ Nevra’s tone is more gentle, but he seems awkward. “I have a date.’’

“Oh.’’

Erika doesn’t know what she expected. They seemed to be getting along during the Genkaku mission, and she felt something about their new dynamic changing, but maybe that was just wishful thinking? A product of her old feelings resurfacing?
Oh, who was she even trying to kid?
Her feelings were never truly gone. Even if he was acting like an ass, they never faded.
Nevra had seven years to get over her. He probably wasn’t swayed by another one of her near-death experiences and a heartfelt conversation.
Erika felt pathetic for even trying. For running after him like a lost puppy when he probably only wanted distance from her. She couldn’t even muster up the energy to hide her sadness at the comment.
Gods, she was so tired.

“Good luck with that, then.’’ Erika smiled. She doesn’t even pretend that it’s genuine. “I won’t take more of your time. Huang Hua is expecting me.’’

“Don’t keep her waiting, then.’’ His voice is calm and level, but she can read some regret in his eyes. Maybe she’s deluding herself again? Her emotions have been all over the place lately. “I’ll see you around.’’

Nevra walks away, leaving only a cold feeling in his wake.

When Erika enters the meeting room and, as expected, Huang Hua gives her a mission, she surprises herself by not hesitating to accept it.
It’s supposed to be a simple mission, but those are usually the ones that she dreads the most. Simple missions are never simple. They are the ones where she is taken back to the infirmary on a stretcher and delivers bad news.
Maybe it’s the jealousy clouding her judgment or the sadness that she can feel creeping in at Nevra’s coldness but she just needs this.
She needs something to occupy her mind for just enough time that she’s able to figure something out.

She is supposed to inspect strange plant life that had suddenly sprouted on the edge of the forest along with Karenn, which is simultaneously a blessing and a curse. Erika is warned of the potential danger that comes with the mission, mainly the attacks from infected companions, but aside from that, they aren’t expected to run into any more trouble.
Erika knows, deep down, that ignoring her problems won’t make them go away. But it certainly won’t stop her from trying.

“You… Smell different.’’ Karenn commented while she calibrated the strange machine that read the level of maana present in the air. Erika froze. “It’s not a bad thing, by the way. It’s
pleasant.’’

“Oh, it might just be my powers? Maybe the fact that they are back is affecting my scent?’’

The excuse that sounded stupid the second that it left her lips, and judging by Karenn’s unimpressed look, she definitely didn’t buy it. Erika was expecting a barrage of questions, but the vampire was kind enough to drop it, saying something about samples before handing her a couple of containers.
Being let off so easily was disconcerting, but Karenn did make a point to say that she wasn’t as interested in gossip as before. Still, she did wonder if the reason why Karenn wasn’t pushing it was that she already knew, somehow. Erika had started noticing changes to her body, but they were so subtle that she was almost certain that she only noticed them because she went looking for them. Her bump was starting to develop, but at the moment it was small enough that she had no issue hiding it under looser clothing.
Still, did she let anything slip? Did she overhear her conversations with Ewelein? Were her fatigue and nausea recognisable enough?

She was starting to spiral, so tried to focus on collecting samples. Karenn did notice that Erika didn’t seem to want to be alone with her thoughts, so filled the tense silence with a couple of amusing stories about the years she had missed. It was nice and comforting enough that Erika was almost able to forget all of the things plaguing her mind.

That is until Erika was crouched next to a fallen tree trunk, observing pink fungi that had grown in the rotten wood and she heard the rustling of leaves, Karenn’s scream and felt her body being thrown on the ground, a large creature that she didn’t recognise standing over Erika, talons ripping into her skin, sharp teeth dangerously close to her face.
She was able to block it out off her face in time, despite her throbbing head, and was able to at least invoke her light in the confusion, being bright enough to confuse the animal enough that Karenn could attack it.

Then, she heard silence. Time stood still while she tried to process the fact that she had just been attacked, and she could feel her heartbeat quicken due to the adrenalin rush.

She could feel the blood gushing out of her wounds. She felt strangely peaceful.
Somewhere in the background, Karenn was saying something to her, but she couldn't focus enough on the words to understand what was being said.

Of course.
Of course, she wouldn’t be lucky enough to go on a mission without getting attacked.
How could she ever expect something different? The universe had proved time and time again that she couldn’t rely on her luck to get by.

And it was all her fault.

Her baby was going to die before they even had a chance to be born because of her stupidity.
Nevra was never going to meet them. He wouldn’t even know of their existence.

“My baby…’’

Karenn’s horrified look is the last thing Erika saw before passing out.

—

Once, many years ago, Ewelein had joked that Erika spent so much time in the infirmary that she had her own, exclusive bed.
It became sort of a running joke between them. Every single time Erika had ended up in Ewelein’s care since then, she had been placed in the bed in the back of the room, the one with its back directly to the window.
Erika would always acknowledge the running joke once she was okay enough. It was a way to show Ewelein that she was fine and that she was feeling well enough to make bad jokes at her own expense.

After she woke up from her seven-year coma, she noticed that she was placed in the same bed as before.
Same cushion, same decor. Ewelein looked different— Older, more relaxed, but things around there had barely changed.

She was still in the same bed in the back of the room when she woke up this time.

“Erika!’’

She recognised Karenn’s voice immediately. She turned her head to the side so she could see her. God, she was so tall. It was still strange to see how much she grew. But her eyes were still the same. Wide and scared, afraid that death would’ve surely taken her this time.
Silly girl. Hasn’t she learned that Erika is unbeatable by now?

“Thank the oracle you’re awake! You were out for longer than we expected.’’

“Everything hurts, but I'll live.’’

Erika tried to sit up, wincing a bit at the pain in her midsection. She lifted the gown to see that her stomach and sides were covered in bandages.
It was a scary sight, though not an unfamiliar one. The bandage seemed fresh and didn’t wasn’t covered in blood, which in her expert opinion, meant that she was going to be just fine.

Ewelein approached, carrying a folder with Erika’s information and a couple of medical instruments.

“I’m glad I had the foresight to prepare for your arrival.’’

Ewelein smirked, and Erika rolled her eyes, though it wasn’t mean.

“Are you supposed to be this snarky to your patients?’’

The half-human asks. Ewelein looked pleased.

“No, but since it’s you we’re talking about, I can get away with it.’’

“It’s not like you’ll listen if she tells you in any other way.’’

Karenn comments. She seems to breathe a little easier now, even if she looks at Erika in a strange way.

“Hey! You’re both ganging up on me. That’s not fair.’’

The vampire ruffles her hair.

“If this will make you act less irresponsible, then you’ll just have to deal with it.’’

She opens her mouth to exclaim that she’s older than her, but stops herself when she remembers that the difference isn’t as big anymore.

“The wounds look more serious than they are. I want to keep you here overnight, just to make sure you’ll heal properly, but other than that? If you take it easy, you’ll be fine.’’

“What about?...’’

Erika looks at Karenn, uncertain if the secret was out or not.
She doesn’t remember exactly what she did or said right before passing out, though her panicked thoughts about losing her child were still fresh in her mind.

“They are fine, too. It was a close one, but they seem to be as resilient as their mom.’’

Karenn casts a meaningful glance at Ewelein.

“I think you two should talk. I’ll be back in five for your check-up.’’

Ewelein ruffles Erika’s hair and quickly leaves the room. When the front door clicked, Erika was only able to count three seconds before Karenn started talking.

“Is it my brother’s?’’

“Wow. Straight to the point…’’ Erika chuckled, though Karenn seemed dead-serious.“Yes, I think so. I haven’t exactly been with anyone except him since I arrived in Eldarya and-- Ugh, this is such a weird topic to discuss with you. I remember when you were fourteen!’’

Karenn ignored her dilemma, moving her chair to sit closer to Erika. She leans forward, and speaks quietly, though the infirmary was empty aside from them.

“Does… Does he know?’’

At first, Erika doesn’t quite understand why Karenn looks so hurt at the idea.
If he is the father wouldn’t it be natural for him to know? Despite Erika’s avoidance of him, she spent the last few weeks beating herself mentally for not gathering the courage to do so, Ewelein’s words playing on loop in her brain.
But, then, she remembers. Karenn had such a deep bond with her brother that once upon a time, when Erika had started dating him, she had attacked her friend for stealing his attention away. They had a sibling connection that Erika couldn’t quite understand but respected immensely.
Him not telling her something as big as this himself probably crushed her.

“I.. Haven’t told him, yet,’’ Erika admits, looking away with sudden embarrassment. “Ewelein and now, you, are the only people who do. I think Karuto suspects something, since Ewelein asked him to serve me specific dishes, and he looks at me all weird when I pick them up.’’

“If Karuto knows, then it won’t be a secret for much longer.’’

Erika chuckles

“I know… This is all a little… Time-sensitive, but I’m still trying to make sense of everything myself.’’

“I was so… Confused when you passed out.’’ Karenn admitted “ You smelled different, and you acted strangely, but I just… Assumed that what happened in the last mission messed you up. But when you said it, everything just… Made sense. I’m sorry you had to deal with all of this on your own.’’

“It’s not your fault. I was the one who kept it a secret.’’

“Are you going to tell him?’’

“I will have to, eventually. I won’t be able to hide it forever.’’

The room was suddenly quiet, Karenn’s green eyes analysing Erika’s expressions, seemingly looking for something.
Whatever it is she was looking for, she seemed to have found it, judging by the delicate way in which the vampire held her dear friend’s hand and how gentle her expression was.

“I know that my brother is... Different from how he used to be, but I’m sure you know that even though a lot has changed, he still cares a lot about you. If… He has to find out through someone else, or when you give birth… I’m sure you can imagine that this whole situation will get worse.’’

Erika sighed. It was what Ewelein had told her, and the only thoughts that circled through her mind lately.

“I know that. It doesn’t make talking to him any easier…’’ Erika doesn’t hide her frustration “I think he has been avoiding me lately. I asked to talk to him, and he made sure I knew that he’d be busy with someone else. I don’t have the right to be angry, I know this, but it doesn’t stop me from being upset.’’

“You’re pregnant with his child, and you still have feelings for him. It’s not surprising that you’d feel upset.’’ Karenn says, pointedly. “But there’s no way you two can work through a solution if you don’t talk to him.’’

“I don’t even know if I want a relationship or not... It’s just… Aaargh!’’

The human hides her face in her hands, trying to calm herself down before he works herself up for another breakdown.
Karenn seems to recognise this, since Erika feels her friend’s hands resting on her back as she rubs circles into her skin, in the places that the bandages didn’t cover.

“Breathe, Erika.’’ She takes a deep breath, which Erika copies. It doesn’t make her feel all that better, but copying Karenn’s breathing at least evens out her erratic breathing .“Look, you have no obligation to jump into a relationship with him, or anyone else, because of a child. You don’t even need to have it all figured out when you first talk to him, but you need to take that first step. I don’t doubt for a second that things will turn out okay, but even if they don’t, you’ll still have me, Ewelein and… To be honest with you, the entirety of Eel, probably.’’

Erika chuckles at that, tired from both the wound and how draining the conversation was.

“You’ll always have someone on your corner. You just got to put a little faith in us this time.’’

When Karenn eventually leaves, Erika can’t help but feel a little comforted.

Chapter Text

Despite the tiredness seeping into her bones, Erika couldn’t sleep.

The conversation with Karenn, while a little reassuring, gave her a lot to think about. And when her mind was going at a mile a minute it was impossible to relax enough to rest. 

The infirmary was uncharacteristically empty tonight, but even then the walls to the room seemed to be closing in on her, with every fibre of her being begging her to just leave .

Being careful to not worsen her wound, Erika sat up on her chaise and carefully stood up, taking her time on her walk to the door. 

Sneaking out of the infirmary was stupidly easy, but it was not like it was strictly necessary— Ewelein wasn’t on the night shift tonight, and the other medics knew her well enough to tolerate her late-night walks on the condition that she didn’t go too far or did anything stupid.

Yes, she got hurt often, but the fact that she was still alive despite all of it was in itself proof that Erika could handle herself at least enough to have the decency to only come back hurt, and not dead.

The nurse on the night shift gave her a little head nod, indicating that she saw Erika, and quietly asked her to come back in an hour for a check-up. It was more than enough time, and having this little freedom did wonders for her self-esteem, even if part of her wished she was rebelling in a way.

The cool, night air against her skin already made her feel better. 

It was cold enough that it brought some discomfort, but not enough to cause her any harm.

The cold, in a way, was grounding. The feeling was uncomfortable enough that it forced her to stay in the moment, not allowing her mind to wander farther than it needed to.

It was nice. For once she didn’t feel like a symbol of peace or an expecting mother. These pressures seemed to get farther and farther away with each step she took.

Tonight she was just a regular woman on a relaxing evening walk, and it was good enough for her.

Erika barely even processed leaving the safety of the headquarters until she had arrived at her destination: a cliff. The same place where she regained her powers a couple of weeks ago.

She wouldn’t be able to see the sunrise this time, which was a pity. She would remember in vivid detail how pretty all the colours meshed together, and the pure joy and adrenaline that she felt when the aengel’s light flooded her veins and that first surge of power awakened again.

The piece of her that was missing.

She tried not to think too hard about why thinking that seemed so wrong now.

Erika sits down, leaning against the large rocks that rested there. Nevra was here too, last time. 

He touched her face in such a tender gesture that it, alone, left her heart ablaze. 

A small sound broke her out of her reverie. She didn’t move, nor indicated that anything was wrong, but strained her ears to notice anything else amiss.

It didn’t surprise her at all when out of the stillness of the night came a familiar voice:

“Seems like this has become your official thinking spot.” Nevra appears behind her. She didn’t even flinch at his sudden appearance, instead, turning her face to observe him with an amused expression. “You weren’t startled this time…”

He doesn’t school his face into indifference, today. Instead, wearing his surprise and pride plainly, like the way he used to before.

It both pleases and frustrates her. It would be so much easier if he just stuck with acting like he used to before or kept his leader act, the way things are now he’s much harder to read.

“Well, for a master in stealth you can be quite noisy.” She smiles, for a brief second her anxiety is gone. “I took our conversation on the boat to heart. I can’t lower my defences anymore and risk getting scared by you.”

Nevra chuckled, seemingly content with her response. 

“You’re learning quickly.” 

He walks until he’s a bit closer to where she was sitting, Erika smirks.

“You’re right about that. And also about this cliff being my thinking spot.” She doesn't comment on the fact that she was thinking of him earlier, but it wouldn’t be surprising at all if he already knew.  “If you’re nice though, I’ll let you sit with me.”

“How kind.” Nevra took the offer, sitting on the ground next to her and leaving a small room between them “You seem to have a lot on your mind lately.”

He is casual about it, but Erika can tell by his tone of voice where he wanted to go with this— her desperate attempt to reach out to him earlier, the one that was met with rejection.

It happened only a couple of hours ago, but it might as well have happened in another lifetime. Just recalling what has happened since leaves her exhausted, but it’s not like she can escape from it now.

Even in the open space of the fields she feels trapped. She invited him to talk, she can’t escape from this any longer, but right now the only thing that she wishes is to be able to run, just for a little while longer.

Before she’s able to fully stop herself, a heavy sigh leaves her. 

“I have a lot to think about, don’t I?” Erika was never quite good at hiding what she felt, and judging by Nevra’s concern she must look every bit as tired as she feels.   “And you? Have you been plagued with nightmares about your paperwork?”

“Ha ha. How funny.”

Okay. Dodging the topic with humour won’t work, but it at least makes the air lighter and makes her feel slightly less shitty about everything.

Yeah, she’s about to unload something heavy on him, in true Erika fashion, but it might make things easier if she at least makes him laugh a little at first.

Then when he inevitably leaves, the memories of their last interactions won’t be so sombre.

She shakes her head slightly, trying to banish these thoughts. No use being stuck in her head.

“I’m glad that you recognise that.” The half-human hesitates for a second, before speaking up again. “If you want a real answer… I had a hard time sleeping. A lot has happened recently, you know? ”

“I have no idea how you’re still sane.”

She lets out a small, self-deprecating laugh. He doesn’t know half of it.

“I’m not sure either.” Maybe she isn’t. She doesn’t feel like it most days anyway. “Don’t you have somewhere to be? Something about a date.”

“Didn’t feel up for it anymore.” Nevra doesn’t elaborate on it more than that, waving it off as unimportant. It’s probably to spare her feelings by not talking in-depth about his romantic life.  “Besides, you did tell me you had something important to discuss, and I have to admit that I’m curious. You spent days avoiding me, only to seek me out like that. And then I heard from Karenn that you got hurt during a mission and wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

Her heart beats a little harder on her chest, and she can’t quite tell if it’s due to her anxiety or his worry over her well-being.

“I’m going, to be honest with you: I was avoiding you. I guess part of me thought that if I just ignored what was happening that everything would go away, but this is not the type of issue that can be solved like that.’’ She looks away. Erika knows she’s rambling by at this point, but doesn’t quite know how to articulate the jumbled mess that are her thoughts and feelings into cohesive speech.  ‘’I just know that this is… Something difficult to explain. But you deserve to know, even if you hate me for it, and it isn’t fair for me to leave you in the dark for even longer because I can’t get over my own, stupid fears.’’

“Erika, nothing can make me hate you.” Nevra cuts her off, saying it with such sincerity she couldn’t help but believe him. “Look at you. You’re shaking. If you’re so scared about telling me something, I can’t possibly resent you for avoiding me. I don’t know what it is, but I promise you that I’ll listen to what you have to say. I promised to protect you, once, and I won’t fail you again.”

“I…” 

Erika starts, she promised herself she would be strong, that she would have her head held up high and that she would, under no circumstances, cry, but tears had already started welling up in her eyes and she couldn’t get the words out, no matter how much she tried to force them out.

She cursed the universe. 

The Crystal. 

Whatever impulse possessed her to make her step into the mushroom circle she found in the woods that faithful day.

If she just stayed on earth, she never would be like this, sitting on a cliff, shaking like a leaf and trying to get enough air in her lungs despite the shortness of breath.

She never asked to be chosen one. 

She never asked for any of this.

“I’m pregnant.”

Erika’s voice is frail, shaky, and so quiet she wasn’t even sure he had heard it at first.

His hands stopped, mid-air, as he tried to process the meaning of her words. She wanted to peel her eyes off him, the imminent rejection being almost too much to bear, but at the same time, she couldn’t help but stare and over analyse every micro-reaction his face provided.

Utter shock, confusion, sadness and hurt. Not a hint of anger. He stared at her like she was the most confusing math equation he had seen in his entire life. Erika couldn’t exactly blame him for it, the situation is admittedly absurd, but it didn’t do wonders to her anxiety.

The longer he spent in silence, the worst she felt.

“I’m so sorry… I-I had no idea something like this could even happen. It had been so long ago I assumed—“

She tried, in vain to explain herself, not even quite knowing if he understood where he fit into all of this. Nevra touched one of her shoulders, the other resting on her opposite arm, his touch had just the right amount of pressure that it grounded her but didn’t hurt.

The vampire’s hands were warm under her frigid skin. It made her yearn for more of his touch in such a genuine way she felt pathetic for it.

His expression had gone back to that serious and neutral expression she saw him use during difficult diplomatic missions, not giving anything away but concern for her.

It was what made her crack. She felt tears rolling down her face and desperately tried to stop herself from crying even more, all in vain.

“Erika, sweetheart, I need you to breathe, okay?” 

She nodded eagerly. This wasn’t outright rejection, which she chose to see as a good sign, even if she could tell he was wearing one of his masks.

Erika tried to breathe with him— only half-listening to his instructions as she felt the flurry of thoughts and feelings she has been desperately trying and failing to repress drowning her.

He knows now.

Her secret is out in the open and she doesn’t have to put in the effort to sneak around and hide it any longer. A weight had been lifted off her shoulders, but it doesn’t mean much when she was carrying too much to begin with.

She expected a rejection.

Nevra getting angry, calling Erika names and leaving, never to be seen again. It would fucking hurt, but it would’ve been so much easier to deal with than him shutting down and going into concerned leader mode.

Erika snaps out of her thoughts when she noticed her name being called. She can breathe now, that’s the first thing that she notices, and her shaking had diminished.
Somewhere in the middle of her panic attack Nevra had wrapped her into his coat, which is probably why she doesn’t feel as cold as before.

‘’Does anyone else know about it?’’

She nods, shyly. It takes a while before she’s able to speak, but Nevra waits patiently until she’s ready to do so.

‘’Ewelein.’’ Erika’s voice cracks, which makes her cringe. She takes a couple of deep breaths before hesitantly speaking again. ‘’We found out right after the Genkaku mission— I… Haven’t slept with anyone since you, so we think that I might’ve been already pregnant when the sacrifice happened.’’

He breaks his neutral façade and she can see something akin to hurt in his eyes. She can understand where he’s coming from, she felt the same thing when she first learned about her pregnancy. 

‘’While you were in the crystal.’’ He says, his voice quieter than usual. ‘’It was like you were frozen in time.’’

He doesn’t say anything aside from this statement, but Erika understands what he meant. 

Nevra visited her while she was trapped in the crystal. People have told her as much.

She can’t even imagine how painful it must’ve been to grow older and see her— stuck looking the same as she was on the day that she died.

‘’Your sister also knows..’’ Her voice is soft when she admits to it, and Nevra doesn’t look shocked at all. ‘’She figured out after I got hurt.’’

‘’I’m not surprised. You two were always close.’’

He says, and it’s painfully obvious he’s trying to be diplomatic and as neutral as possible to avoid the possibility of another mental breakdown from her. The situation she was in, from being Eldarya’s symbol of hope to dealing with an unexpected pregnancy, was already difficult enough without people treating her like a ticking bomb. 

She wants him to plainly say what he thinks, but she doesn’t even know if he fully processed what it means to him when he had been so hyper-focused on making sure that she’s okay.

Gods. This whole thing is giving her a headache.

‘’I know it’s a lot.’’ Erika says, finally. She was exhausted, both physically and emotionally and just wanted it to be over already. ‘’I can’t pretend to fully understand it myself, but I promise that I wouldn’t use something this serious to deceive you— I’m willing to do anything, anything to prove it to you. You d-don’t need to be involved either, I wouldn’t dream of forcing you into a role you—’’

‘’I believe in you.’’ He says, breaking her out of her own spiralling thoughts once again. ‘’I promised that I would protect you, and this isn’t going to change. I won’t fail you again.’’

She nods and feels the tears coming back despite herself. The way he looks at her is softer than before— Gentler, filled with genuine concern and affection that he’s not quite able to completely disguise.

Erika can’t even imagine how awful she must look to elicit this reaction.

At least she feels somewhat better, despite everything.

‘’Now come on, you must be exhausted. You shouldn’t have walked this far injured, Erika. We can talk more tomorrow morning.’’

He gently places one hand in her back, leading her further from the cliff and towards the HQ. They’re quiet on the way back to the infirmary.

The silence between them is far from comfortable but isn’t as suffocating as she’d feared. Nevra looks deep in thought the whole way back and Erika is too tired to handle anymore talking today.

Despite everything, it feels like things are finally looking up.

Chapter Text

It was strange, the feeling of waking up without the heavy weight of a secret suffocating her.
It was also pleasant. Erika can’t recall waking up so well-rested in the last few months— always with one thing or another seemingly hell-bent on destroying her peace.

But not today.
Today she woke up feeling relaxed and peaceful, the rays of sunshine coming out of the infirmary’s windows lazily warming her skin, willing her to forget the coldness of the night, the coldness of his eyes.

She wouldn’t, not for a long time, but that was okay.
She was going okay, she realised.

It was one thing to be told that things were going to be fine and an entirely different one to realise it yourself.
People told her a lot of things, and people were often wrong. About herself and the okayness of things.
It was entirely rational for Erika to distrust it, after being lured away by a false sense of comfort only to have the rug pulled from under her feet so many times prior.
But it was certainly nice to have one less burden to carry, to think of her baby and not feel an ounce of guilt.

It made getting up easier.

The whole process of being checked out of the infirmary was, like everything else about her recent stay, entirely routine.
What wasn’t routine, however, was the fact that Nevra was waiting outside of the infirmary doors when she stepped out.

‘’I got you breakfast.’’

Nevra says, and only then does Erika notice that he was carrying a picnic basket with him. The sight fills her with confusion for a moment, until she remembers their conversation from last night.
When he said they would talk in the morning, she didn’t expect it to be first thing in the morning, but she understands the urgency he must feel.
It doesn’t even cross her mind to reject his offer— He’s clearly trying, after all, and that’s more than she expected would happen.
That’s why his clear nervousness seems strange to her.

‘’Great,’’ Erika says. She feels downright bubbly after finally having a full night of restful sleep, and it shows. ‘‘I’m starving! Want to eat outside? I suppose that my thinking spot might give us enough privacy this time of day.’’

Nevra looks a bit surprised at this, but it quickly fades away as he leads her outside.
Maybe he expected her to put more of a fight? Gods, was she avoiding him that badly for him to have that impression of her?

They arrive at the fields quickly enough. Their small talk on the way there was strange and stilted, but not as stifling as it once was.
The small spot on the cliff she had claimed months ago was empty and the day was pleasant, with clear skies and a light breeze.

It was perfect.
So perfect it was unnerving.

‘’Is everything alright?’’ The vampire asks, unpacking the food that he brought. It seemed enough to feed a small army, which was amusing. Did Karenn help him pack? The thought was so sweet she couldn’t help but smile. ‘‘How was the checkup?’’

She could hear the unasked question hanging in the air— are you okay? Is the baby fine?
It’s annoying that he’s walking on eggshells around her:
There’s one, and one reason only why he’d be so eager to see her this morning, and it seems useless for him to dance around it.
Still, there’s a small part of her that feels vindicated. Erika spent the last few months since her sudden resurrection carefully watching every action she made around him. Overthinking every word exchanged and studying his expressions in search of anything, anything at all he’d be willing to show. It seemed only fair that now it was his turn to be careful around her.

Erika picked up a container of cut fruit from the basket. It surprised her to notice that it was that weird, lilac fruit native to Eldarya that she’d grown fond of lately.
It was one of the few things she was able to stomach during the worst of her morning sickness. She doesn’t recall telling anyone about it, not even in passing.
Had he noticed? Was he observing her as she did with him this entire time? It seems too good to be true, but her breath catches at the possibility.
She looks up at him, curiously. He’s still observing her carefully. There’s a fondness to his eyes that’s heart-achingly familiar, and a certain air of nervousness around him— he’s waiting. Waiting for her to dictate the pace at which they’ll go.

‘‘We’re both okay,’’ Erika says, popping a piece of fruit into her mouth.
Her feelings were a contradictory mess, but until she had time to unpack all of that it seemed right to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn’t know, after all. Maybe he wouldn’t have been as cold if she told him sooner. ‘‘The wound is healing quickly, and there’s no sign of that venom from last time on my bloodstream. ‘Baby is fine and developing normally, despite… You know.’’

She waved it off. Maybe it was her sick sense of humour, but there was something amusing about having such a normal pregnancy despite the strange, convoluted circumstances surrounding it.
Nevra watched her attentively. He was about to say something before stopping himself, taking more time to think, and finally getting it out.

‘‘How did you figure it out?’’

Erika already expected this question at some point. She had often pondered about all the little events that brought her here— the night of conception, the signs she ignored and all the weeks of anxious waiting. Waiting for the right opportunity to say something.
She had rehearsed a speech in her mind before, but she was drawing up a blank right now.

‘‘I can’t even explain what it was like to be inside the crystal, but waking up wasn’t fun.’’ She admits, looking down at the bowl of cut fruit with a frown. ‘‘I was sick all the time. Everything hurt due to disuse, but at the same time, I had so much pent-up energy. There were things I had to get used to, things like breathing. It felt foreign after so long when it wasn’t even something I even used to think about before! There was so much going on that it didn’t even cross my mind that I might’ve been pregnant. I misread all the signals.’’

‘‘Oh.’’

‘‘Ewelein found out.’’ She remembered it as clear as day. ‘‘It appeared in a routine exam. We double, then triple-checked the results and ran more exams— it was definitive. And… I had no idea how to tell you, because how could you ever believe me?’’

‘‘You have no reason to lie.’’

Nevra says, with so much certainty and honesty that her heart fluttered in her chest.

She did have many reasons to lie.
She wanted him, for one. That was a fact as much as the sky was blue. He knew it, she knew it, and basically, the entire HQ knew it too.
There’s also the prestige— he’s Huang Hua’s right-hand man, a person with a steady and important job. Having a child with him would guarantee a level of stability that she didn’t know since arriving in Eldarya.
She did have reasons, many.
She had often pondered about them, listed them out and would imagine him throwing them in her face during a nasty argument in a worst-case scenario situation.

But it didn’t happen.
He believed in her, even if the situation was absurd and every single odd was against her, he chose to trust her.

Nevra sat beside her and watched her with fond eyes. There was still awkwardness, from words left unsaid and the weight of their futures being intertwined in such an unusual way, but it was better than before.

Moments like these made her remember why she fell in love with him in the first place.

‘’Here.’’

She grabbed one of his hands, looking up at him hesitantly to check if it was okay. Once his gaze reached hers, curious and comfortable, she proceeded to rest his palm against her stomach, underneath the baggy shirt that wore that day.

She wasn’t sure that he would even be able to feel anything, but just the gesture was enough to bring tears to his eyes.
She understood it, in a way. It only started feeling real once she woke up one morning and noticed how different her reflection looked, the past changes being so gradual she just got used to the way that her body looked.

Maybe it felt real to him, now. He could probably see the newfound roundness of her belly, which was starting to get a little tricky to hide underneath fabric but to feel it was a different thing entirely.

It was their child.

Erika didn’t say much of anything after that, not about the way his eyes glistened with tears or the way her throat tightened when he started speaking words in a language she didn’t understand.
As much as she wanted to crack a joke or lightly tease Nevra, he needed this moment. He needed time to understand what this all meant, needed time to process this, not as an abstract concept, but as something concrete.

Everything else could wait.

—

Erika doesn’t know exactly how long their picnic lasted, but judging by how her throat felt scratchy from speaking too much and the sky had darkened, it was way past what either of them had planned.

They silently collected all of their things and gathered them in the basket, Erika trying to discreetly glance at Nevra without him noticing.

The fourth time he catches her, he smiles.

“If you don’t want to be caught, you should try being discreet.”

She was trying.
She was just bad at it.

“Hey! Not my fault you’re so… Aware of your surroundings.”

Erika says it like it’s an insult, which makes him chuckle. He seems more relaxed than earlier, a little more open with her due to their conversation and the long periods of comfortable silence, where they just enjoyed each other’s company.

“Shadow guard, remember?”

She did, and she hated the fact that he was right.

“Still, you could let me have this!”

He smirks mischievously.

“No. I have the right to tease you.” He says and flicks her forehead in a way that makes her mouth gape with indignation, which seems to please him. “You hid a pregnancy from me. For months.”

“Proving I can be discreet!” She pouts. It’s childish, but Erika believes she has every right to act a bit childish. “But also— Hey! Too soon.’’

“Not soon enough, I’d say.”

“Stooop!”

She whines, and he looks entirely too happy with that response.

“Now...” Nevra says “What’s bothering you? You clearly want to say something.”

For as long as their conversation had been, it was mostly about him making sense of this situation after the bombshell that she dropped on him last night.
She had more time than him to process the news, and she wanted to give him at least some time before they had to make concrete plans for the baby’s arrival.
But at the same time— Erika’s main objective had been to just tell him for so long, that she barely had any idea about what to do next.

“…What do we do now?” She asks “I mean. I didn’t plan that far ahead.”

She didn’t plan at all, but that’s beside the point.

“Maybe we should discuss names?” He says, she can tell that he’s half-joking. “I quite like… What was it? Renesmee?”

“Nevra, I’m not letting you name our child Renesmee.”

“You could let me have this.”

“Ugh, you’re so annoying!”

“You’re having a baby with me anyway.”

She swats him in the chest lightly, and he laughs, hard. It’s not something that she’d seen him do lately, he has been so serious.
They finally finish gathering all of the picnic supplies, and Erika notices that everything around them feels light.
She’s drunk in the feeling of contentment she feels, the giddiness of being out with her crush, and he looks lighter too.

“You look happy.”

She says before she can stop herself. For as much as she hides, lies and avoids conversations, she often is too direct for her liking.

“I am happy,” Nevra says. She blames her sudden wish to cry on her hormones. “Are you happy too?”

“I could do with less crisis, but yes. I am.”

It surprised her how easily she said it. But, well, Erika always had pride in her ability to adapt, to thrive by making the best out of bad situations.
This whole pregnancy hasn’t been easy.
In fact, it’s probably one of the most difficult things she has ever gone through, but she can’t find it in herself to regret anything about it, not anymore.

“What? Not looking forward to the end of the world?”

“Not if I have to save it again.” She admits “After all of this I feel like I’ll need a break. A huge break. Do you guys offer maternity leave for chosen ones?”

“You do deserve the rest.”

Nevra states, she nods her head, agreeing wholeheartedly.

“Let’s just hope that they don’t inherit all the ‘chosen one’ responsibilities.’’

“Or your worrying lack of self-preservation.’’

“Hey! I’ve only died… Three? Four times?’’

“Don’t tell me you lost count.’’ He says, jokingly. When she doesn’t answer, making a point to look anywhere but at him, he sounds incredulous. “You lost count.’’

“Hey! Some events just… Blur together. And death is pretty boring!’’ She tries to justify it to him, but Nevra looked equal parts impressed and horrified. “Okay, okay. I’ll stop talking about it.’’

They stay stuck in tense silence for a couple of moments before Nevra finally breaks the silence.

“It always surprises me how easily you’re able to joke about it.”

Nevra says, he doesn’t seem angry, but his tone carries the same melancholy as it does when her coma is brought up.
He seems to be hiding something— There’s something that he wants to say that he’s stopping himself from expressing. It’s just one of those things that Erika can tell, just by how weighted the words seem, filled with hidden meaning.

“If I didn’t, I’d probably cry.’’ She says. It was meant as a joke, but it’s much more sincere than she ever meant it to be .“And no one wants a mopey Erika.’’

“I happen to like Erika.’’ He says it in that tone of voice where she can’t quite tell if he’s teasing her or being sincere. “Mopey or not.’’

Chapter Text

Two weeks go by since the conversation on the cliff, and Erika is hit by the realisation that something fundamentally changed .

She had felt it before, it was impossible not to, not when she was so hyper-aware of everything when it came to Nevra.

But their relationship was shifting, shaping to be able to fit the immense changes they’ve been going through right now.

If things had changed so drastically before, it would’ve terrified her, but right now Erika feels relief over it. The anxiety around him was gone, along with the need to overthink their conversations. 

She feels secure.

For the first time since she left the crystal, she felt like she belonged somewhere.

They have been meeting almost daily now, and even with this busy schedule, Nevra always managed to make a little time to be with her.

Their conversations never really delved into the nature of their relationship, both tactfully avoiding mentioning the topic head-on. Still, it seems like Nevra and Erika were always toeing the line between platonic co-parenting and an actual romantic relationship even without speaking about it.

They didn’t kiss, but she would take naps on his bed while Nevra spoke to the child in her belly in his native tongue, they didn’t go on dates but Nevra would turn down women that flirted with him.

Nowadays their conversations were mostly dedicated to family planning, something that Erika herself had severely neglected during her months-long dilemma about telling him.

It was amusing, in a way. Nevra would often discuss things like their baby’s future education or birthing plans like he was tackling a mission for the guard. He was thorough in all the planning,  something that Erika was grateful for, and helping to raise some of his younger siblings made him much more experienced in childcare than Erika, who had at most a theoretical knowledge of it (thanks, in part, for Ewelein’s books).

Still, they worked well as a duo. When they weren’t busy with their actual jobs or plans, they would still often be around each other, talking about the mundane or simply enjoying each other’s company.

It felt different from their relationship from before , but more intimate, somehow.

She had been laying on his bed, reading a decidedly terrible romance novel when Nevra calls to her.

‘‘We should talk to Huang Hua.’’ He says, suddenly. He had been going through some paperwork, finishing his work for the day while Erika lounged. ‘‘I don’t think we’ll be able to delay it any further.’’

As much as she hated to admit it, he was right.

Erika had been hearing whispers about her pregnancy for a while now. They only grew in intensity in the last weeks, when it became almost impossible to hide it.

Before she would tackle rumours with a smile and snarky comment— She would often reply to these comments by claiming that her rounded stomach was a result of sudden weight gain, that her sudden absence from missions was due to her recent wounds and that her newfound closeness to Nevra was just a result of him tutoring her in the art of infiltration.

These were all bald-faced lies of course, and even though she had fun coming up with increasingly more absurd reasons why she looked the way she did, she couldn’t run away forever. It came to a point that it would be more beneficial to tackle rumours before they got too out of control.

Erika sighed, over-dramatically, in a way that made Nevra chuckle.

‘‘Aren’t you two friends?’’ He said, in amusement. ‘‘It surprises me that you two haven’t talked sooner.’’

‘‘We are, I suppose.’’ But like most things since her sudden death, her relationship with Huang Hua was more complicated than what could be put into words. ‘‘You are right, though. We should get it over with.’’

Nevra smiled, in the same smug way he always did when she was forced to admit that he was right about something. Which he often was , but she couldn’t say that to him. Erika can’t even imagine what that would do to his ego.

“Now, come here. You’ve been working for far too long .’’ She pats the place beside her in his bed. He looks at her with an arched eyebrow. “You should take a break. You wouldn’t believe what’s happening in this novel!”

—

On the next afternoon, she finds herself standing in the council room. Nevra was supposed to join her, but a pressing last-minute mission meant that he would spend the next day away from the Eel.

He had met her at dawn, as soon as he was informed of his mission, and made her promise not to get into trouble before he came back. 

She promised, for his peace of mind, before weakly informing him that she never intends to find trouble, it just naturally gravitates towards her.

Huang Hua stands in front of her. Something about the sadness in her expression tells Erika that she knows exactly why this meeting was taking place.

“You know.’’

Erika states, blankly, and Huang Hua chuckles.

“I do.” She says, her eyes full of mirth. “Everyone does. I was wondering if you were ever going to directly tell me..”

The Fenghuang says it in a good-natured way, but Erika can sense the lingering melancholy.

“I wasn’t.” Erika says, jokingly. “I figured I would surprise you. Just disappear for a while and come back with a baby.”

“It wouldn’t be unlike you.” She says, with a small smile. “For as much as you talk, you can be very secretive.”

“So I’ve been told…” Erika shifts in place, a little uncomfortable. “Though I have to admit, I’m getting tired of telling people.”

Huang Hua signalled for her to sit on the chair beside her. She had tea ready, along with sweets. It seemed less intimidating this way— like she wasn’t on an important meeting with a boss, but simply catching up with an old friend. 

If Huang Hua notices her hesitation, she doesn’t voice it.

“You won’t have to.” The leader pours some tea into both of the teacups she had laid out for use. It smelled floral and sweet, like a sunny day in the middle of spring. “We can make a formal announcement later if necessary.”

It would be, Erika knew that. Her station as eldarya’s saviour and Nevra’s as Huang Hua’s right-hand man would demand at least a mention at the next light guard meeting. But still, it was nice of her to say that.

The guardian looks down at her drink— she wanted to try it but wasn’t sure she would be able to hold anything down due to her nerves.

“Are you mad at me?” 

Erika asks, Huang Hua doesn’t hesitate to answer, seemingly having already expected this question.

“No.” She says, and she seems truthful  “But I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t disappointed about not being told sooner.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” The look she receives is full of mischief “Aside from you not telling me putting both you and your child at risk. I wouldn’t have sent you to any missions if I knew you were pregnant!’’ 

“I know! Believe me, I’ve been scolded for it.” She remembers Ewelein, Karenn and Nevra’s scolding and grimaces “I just… Wasn’t sure how to tell you.’’

While Huang Hua was still her dear friend, like most things, their relationship had changed dramatically since Erika’s death.

She wasn’t just a friend anymore, she was a leader, and it was difficult to reconcile these two parts of her persona.

Erika couldn’t just confide in her in the way she did before. There are certain things— certain fears and insecurities you can’t just tell your boss. Huang Hua has the duty to manage Eel, to do everything in her power to help Eldarya’s people, and as Eldarya’s white sacrifice, with an important role in the latest apocalyptic event, Erika’s feelings and comfort weren’t a priority.

Erika understood perfectly the dilemma that Huang Hua was in— It was the same position that Miiko occupied way back when. She knew that leaders had to make difficult decisions in the name of the greater good, but understanding it didn’t mean that she liked it.

Having a baby wasn’t an ideal situation. Not with the world ending, not when it meant that Huang-Hua’s right-hand man would be distracted and not when the mother had a crucial role in saving Eldarya.

While Erika knew that Huang Hua was good, kind and probably very excited for her, she had wondered, more than once, if the leader in her was displeased. If there was a chance, even a minuscule one, that if Erika had told her earlier, something would’ve been done to eliminate this one risk out of the equation.

It was a stretch, but Erika knew that there are risks that come from childbirth, particularly in Eldarya:

While they had magic, the rate of deaths during childbirth was higher than earths.

Even magic had its limits.

Even magic couldn’t do miracles .

It was something that she avoided thinking about— She has a proclivity for death, after all. She was a Faelian but being part human and part aengel didn’t exactly help, as they weren’t common races in Eldarya.

A part human, part aengel and part vampire baby were completely unprecedented. There was no telling what might happen during birth. They were all going in blind.

Erika dying before she saves the world isn’t an option. The baby being out of the equation would lessen the risk of that.

The thought of that makes her sick.

Huang Hua, though, is still smiling. There is no use lingering on what-ifs . So Erika tries to enjoy the moment.

“I understand.” She says. There’s a lingering sadness behind her trained expression “Things change. We aren’t as close as we used to be— No, don’t apologise for that. It’s not your fault.”

Huang Hua interrupted, as soon as she noticed Erika was about to say something. 

“I wish we were.” Erika admits, quietly. “But I haven’t exactly made things easy for you.”

“I haven’t made them easy to you either.” Huang Hua admits, sipping her tea “We’re even, then.”

It was still difficult to completely trust her after everything, but this was a start.

“I think we are…’’

“So, now that we have this out of the way… I have something for you.”

“Oh! You didn’t need to get me anything.”

“I know! But I wanted to.”

 The Fenghuang slides a blue box towards her. It’s neatly packaged and decorated, all in bright blues and golds.

Erika doesn’t waste time in opening it, both not being able to help her curiosity and due to how expectant Huang Hua seems to be of her reaction.

It’s a leather-bound book. On the cover, there’s a complex series of shapes that vaguely resemble a snowflake. It takes a while for Erika to recognise it, but it suddenly hits her that this is a sigil meant to protect the owner.

The pages inside are empty. The paper is thick and lineless. She runs her fingers through it while she tries to hold back tears— when did she turn into such a sap?

“It’s a journal. You used to enjoy writing, so I thought you would like an opportunity to write again.’’

She explains, beaming at Erika’s reaction to her gift. 

They talk for another hour and Huang Hua doesn't comment if Erika sheds a tear or two.

—

She’s alone that night.

Being alone with her thoughts isn’t as bad as it once was, but it’s not particularly comforting after she was left with so much to think about.

As peaceful as things were, Erika knew deep down that this was only the calm before the storm. Entire buildings were appearing on the Eldaryan coast— Faelians were disappearing left and right.

The world was ending again, that much was clear.

No matter how much she distracted herself by thinking about her baby this was one thing she could never forget:

The world was ending and she would have to save it. Again .

She hoped she would have enough time to give birth— enough time to hold them and know them before it all goes to shit. 

But time was never really on her side. It was coming, soon, and Erika had no idea what would happen this time.

Would she be trapped again? Would death take her once more?

What would be of her child, then? Nevra would take care of them, that’s a certainty, and they would have loving aunts and uncles throughout the HQ that would never, ever let them feel alone. But Erika was always in the eye of the hurricane— always prone to dying, as she always said.

They would never know her then, only the legend of the last Aengel.

With a sigh, she sat on her bed.

“Well, after this line of thinking there is no way I’m sleeping tonight.” She looked down at her stomach as she spoke. Speaking to them instead of just talking to herself made her feel a little less insane. “Let’s hope you’re not an overthinker like me and more of the cool, collected type like your papa.”

She laughs to herself. Imagine Nevra being cool and collected . He was a hot mess just like her, just better at keeping his shit together.

Resigned, Erika gets up from her bed and walks to the desk tucked into the far corner of the room, staring at the journal that Huang Hua had gifted her.

“You used to enjoy writing” . She did. Erika would fill journals with mission details and vent about her issues. Maybe she wasn’t the best writer, but being able to write down her thoughts helped her process them.

Well— the world was ending. And maybe she will die trying to save it. 

Even if her child never got the chance to know her, she refused to only be known as a legend.

No. This time, if she has to die for Eldarya, she will do it on her terms. She will choose how her memory will live on.

Not as the legend of the last aengel, a paragon of perfection with benevolent empty eyes and wings she barely knew how to use sculpted in marble, but as Erika.

Erika the head-strong, loyal and often morbid mess that she was. 

Erika, who wasn’t quite an aengel and not quite human.

She smoothed down the pages of the journal and grabbed a pen and some ink. It was about time she’d started telling her own story, instead of relying on people to tell it for her.

—

Erika stirs in her position on the desk when she feels someone near— she can faintly make out the sensation of lips touching her temple as she starts waking up, eyes fluttering open slowly.

“It’s just me,” Nevra says, softly. His hand reaches to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Go back to sleep. I’ll take you to bed.”

He doesn’t wait for a response before he grabs her, as if she weighs nothing at all, to transfer her to the bed. She’s too tired to do anything but snuggle against him, happily soaking in his warmth after an entire day away from him.

In the space between slumber and wakefulness, she doesn’t care about the ambiguity in their overcomplicated relationship. Erika is just glad to be around him again.

“I missed you.”

Erika admits, her voice still groggy from sleep.

“Did you fall asleep waiting for me?”

He asks, voice tinged with worry. Nevra places Erika on her bed and she moves to bury herself in her small mountain of blankets. 

“No.” He chuckled at her sincerity. “ ‘busy with something else.”

“Intriguing. Can you show me tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.”

Erika promises. As she falls asleep, Erika can vaguely make out his voice saying “I have missed you too.”

Chapter Text

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes, I haven’t changed my mind in the last five minutes, Erika.”

They were standing in the living room space of a small house, just outside of the main headquarters. 

Moving homes was something that Erika had brought up shortly after they started planning. It was an afterthought, a small suggestion that she had been mulling over for a while.

The walls of the HQ’s rooms weren’t thin, but they definitely wouldn’t hold up against a baby’s wails, particularly when thinking about faelians with sensitive hearing, and as the child grew up, moving away from the HQ rooms was an inevitability.

Nevra agreed with her— and then surprised her by suggesting to help her with it.

Well. Suggesting might be a slight understatement. It was closer to him simply informing her that he intended to help and wouldn’t accept no for an answer.

So that’s how they’re here. Nevra is carefully inspecting one of the rooms (with the wide windows and light yellow curtains she can almost picture a nursery) while she lingers behind, nervously shifting her weight from one foot to another while playing with the sleeves of her oversized sweater. Her feet are already aching, she can feel them swelling inside the boots that she stubbornly decided to wear, and she’s already annoyed due to hunger.

The house seemed fine to her.

She rebuilt her life with way less in the past and Erika was glad enough to have her own kitchen and bathroom, but Nevra was being a little… too attentive .

In normal circumstances, she would’ve kindly asked him to mind his own business and let her handle it, but despite the annoyance, she found it sweet for him to be worried.

Besides, as part of their agreement, Nevra would technically be living with her for a while due to their child. So, it was his business. 

(If her heart fluttered at the thought of this being their home , it was no one’s business but Erika’s.)

The person Huang Hua sent along to show them the available homes looked at Erika strangely, with the same expression that she’d usually associate with people who had known of her and not met her.

It was unnerving to be observed so intensely, they weren’t even trying to be discreet about it! It just made her feel uncomfortable and overexposed.

It had only been a couple of days since the big announcement. Erika didn’t want one, but it was a necessary evil. 

Overall, it hadn’t been too bad. Huang Hua gathered the HQ residents in the doors corridor and announced the good news. While Erika could feel the tension in the air, no doubt due to the increasingly strange phenomena surrounding Eldarya and Earth, most people were nice enough to be excited for her.

She spent the last few days being congratulated and teased, and trying to ignore the waves of sadness and grief she felt, but knew weren’t her own. 

Leiftan was trying his hardest to keep his emotions in check, she could feel the attempts to keep his grief locked away, but some things one can’t simply help.

The emotion sharing was something Erika was still getting used to, being a relatively minor footnote in the absolute chaos that had been the last couple of months but couldn’t help but feel bothered by it.

She tried to shake off that train of thought. She could deal with Leiftan’s mess later.

Now she had a different priority, who was carefully analysing the peeling wallpaper on the house’s walls.

“Aren’t most of the homes similar?” Erika tried to smile, as kindly as she could, to try to sway Nevra. “This one is one of the closest to the HQ and it’s in fantastic shape!”

It wouldn’t even need remodelling or that much furnishing. Just some cleaning and decorating and it would be perfect. 

Nevra looked at her like she had just sprouted a second head. The poor faelian murmured  “I’ll leave you two to discuss” before going outside and closing the door behind them.

“I’m tired,” Erika admits. It had been the fifth available, and final, house they’d seen today and none of them had satisfied Nevra. “It’s the last home we can move into on such short notice. Can we just… choose one? They were all great.”

“Do you… Seriously expect so little?”

The half-human stopped and blinked. Nevra’s serious expression morphed into something softer, kinder. His eyes were full of pity.

“What do you mean?”

Erika asks, genuinely. Nevra’s voice is slightly exasperated when he answers.

“Don’t you want a bigger house? Somewhere quieter? A garden? Maybe a little library?”

She snorted before she noticed he was being serious.

By the oracle, imagine if she had been offered a garden when she first arrived. A library and large rooms?

All she got was a room without even a mattress, and she was deemed over dramatic for throwing a fit.

The idea of demanding more right now never even crossed her mind.  

Erika had to fight tooth or nail for the right to exist. To retain even a shred of dignity in a world that was hostile to her.

She gave up a lot, too much .

And now, all she needed was somewhere comfortable for her child to live, that was close enough to the HQ that they could summon her quickly in case of emergencies.

She saved the world and all she got was a statue and more responsibilities. This harsh world taught her to expect nothing at all from her efforts.

But still, Nevra stands beside her and expects her to ask for more . Erika doesn’t even know what to say.

(A small, intimate part of her brain screams you. I want you , but she pushes the feeling down.)

“Maybe when this is all behind us.” She says, quietly. Erika moves to stand closer to the window, taking in the view of the other houses in the refuge. “When there isn’t this big, looming threat on the world— When Eldarya is at peace. Then we can move into a nice, big house with a library and a garden.”

“We?”

He asks, and out of the corner of her eye, she can see him getting closer. Is her mind playing tricks on her or does he sound hopeful?

“We.” She confirms, nodding her head as an extra measure. “Unless you don’t want that— which is totally cool, by the way. No pressure.”

It was all wishful thinking, anyway. The idea of living peacefully in Eldarya without the threat of war or a major disaster seemed distant, almost impossible.

But it was nice to think about. A pretty, fleeting fantasy.

“I’d like that.” 

Nevra says, after a moment. Erika snaps her head to look at him so quickly that it seems almost cartoonish.

“You do?”

She asks, again, dumbfounded.

“Yes, I do.”

He seems to consider something before saying it, and Erika strains to be patient about it. 

It seems like all they do lately is wait for each other, hiding meaning between the lines and hoping that the other understands it. 

She’s tired of toeing the line. Tired of the ambiguity, but too scared to ask more of him. 

So she waits and hopes he’s getting tired of these games too.

“There’s nothing I want more than for us to live in peace,” Nevra says, standing beside her to look out the window. “You deserve the life that you wish for, Erika. Our child deserves it too. And there’s nothing I’d love more than to be in it.”

He reaches out to touch her face, cupping her cheek with his hand. She leans against it, relishing in the comfort that the contact brought.

She did not cry, not this time. 

She felt a little silly for thinking that Nevra only cared for her now because she was carrying his child.

Nevra wouldn’t look at her like this if it wasn’t the case— the way his eyes softened, as if he was looking at something precious, the gentle curve of a smile on his lips, wasn’t something he ever granted to anyone else.

The fondness, the care, and the deep bond they shared, being united not only by the child they had created but by all that they went through beforehand— the battles, the reveals, the sorrow, joy and everything in between. It was far more than a romantic relationship, too sacred of a connection to be defined in words.

They were good people who had been through far too much. Who had the weight of the world thrust upon them at too young of an age, and who still had to carry the burden of the type of power they possessed— Erika wanted to be selfish, just for once, and hope for a happy ending. A happy ending where the world was saved, she was allowed to love and be loved without tragedy, and her baby would live so happily that they wouldn’t know the pain their parents went through.

An ending that she could share with Nevra this time.

Where she wouldn’t have to leave him behind to pick up the pieces in the name of the greater good.

“I’ll be there. In any way you’ll have me.”

He added, and Erika nodded. It wasn’t hard to believe him like this when he seemed so desperate to show her that he was sincere in his words.

“Even if all I want is to live here with you?”

Nevra rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed by her request, even if she could plainly see how it wasn’t true.

“If that’s what makes you happy.”

The vampire leaned down to kiss her forehead, the gesture seeming so natural that it didn’t even register as something to be embarrassed about. He turned away to call over the representative outside when Erika reached out to grab one of his hands.

The action was purely impulsive. Just, Erika wishing to stay in that little bubble they’d created for a little while longer, to be able to linger in the happy ending she fantasised about for just a second more.

“Yes?”

He was puzzled by her reaction, and she didn’t know what to say at first, what words would be suitable to explain the flurry of thoughts and emotions that had tormented her from the second she saw him after her awakening. But she couldn’t just say nothing. Erika would never be able to forgive herself if she let him go a second time.

Did the notion of a happy ending even matter in the long run? What’s the use of suffering, of putting all her needs aside for the sake of a nebulous greater good if she was doomed to a tragic ending anyways?

Maybe the ending doesn’t matter. It never did. All endings are tragic in their own bittersweet way, after all.

Life isn’t fair. She can’t hope for a happy ending in exchange for all she has endured, that’s the lesson that her life in eldarya had taught her. All she can hope for is to live happily in the present and to surround herself with love right now so she doesn’t have regrets in the future. 

Erika looks up at Nevra, as he waits for her, patiently, expectantly.

“I think I am in love with you.”

The words came easily, and she didn’t feel scared or hesitant. It just felt right . It felt right to look at him at that moment, alone in what would soon be their home and confess that to him.

He seemed surprised for a moment, before quickly regaining his composure and pulling her close, leaning in like he was about to kiss her.

She closes her eyes, expectant before she feels his breath on her neck. His lips were close to her ear.

“You think ?” He whispers, and she flushes in embarrassment. Of course, he would tease her for that. “Well, I think I need more certainty than that.”

“I know.” Erika corrects herself  “I never stopped loving you, Nevra.”

That seems to satisfy him because just as she was wondering if she should open her eyes and flee in embarrassment she feels his soft lips against hers, and it feels like coming home.

All the tension around them was finally gone— the last piece of the puzzle finally clicking into place, and all she could feel was relief .

It feels too soon when he stops kissing her, and she’s about to lean in for another one when he hugs her, too tightly, as if she was going to disappear if he loosened his hold.

Erika feels the tears welling up in her eyes. He needed this more than he needed the kiss- he needed the assurance, that she was there and that she loved him and that she wouldn’t disappear again. The thought of it makes her cling to him too.

For a long time, they don’t speak. The only sounds echoing in the empty house being Erika’s sobs as Nevra holds her.

“I love you.” He whispers, quietly into her hair. Those words were only ever meant to her, only hers to hear. “It’s always been you. No one but you.”

Chapter Text

“Oh, you’re finally home!”

Erika smiled, her voice carrying a cheerfulness that didn’t quite match the exhaustion in her eyes. It takes effort for her to stand up from their couch, waddling over to Nevra as he stood by the entrance of their little home.

Nevra rushes to close the short distance between them, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. His arms wrap tightly around her shoulders as he breathes her in, and his eyes flutter closed as he ground himself in her presence.

That was how Erika knew his day had been particularly difficult. 

With her due date approaching, and Eldarya’s growing unrest, Nevra more often than not would only creep into their new, shared home at odd hours of the night. If he came in at all.

Those days were usually the worst.  

The ones where she’d wake up in the morning and find the other side of the bed to be too cold. On the nights he did return, she could see how beaten down he seemed to be, carrying alone the weight of unspoken burdens. It has been a source of strife, lately. Nevra was too afraid of something going wrong to burden her with any more stress, and she refused to be so helpless, wanting to do anything to help.

“I would’ve gone over to you,” he murmured into her hair. “You didn’t need to get up.”

“I needed to move anyway,” Erika said lightly, squirming out of his embrace just enough to study his face, her eyes flickering over him to check for any signs of injury. “My back was starting to hurt from sitting so long.”

Nevra frowned, brushing her hair back with a tenderness that still made her heart flip. “I thought your back hurt if you stood too long?”

“That too.” She grimaced “Honestly, my back hurts regardless of what I do. My feet too— But having to rest so much is making me antsy.”

“I can tell.” Nevra locks the door behind him, double-checking all the locks to ensure the door is properly secured. Chrome complains about how often he has to herd you back home. Lately, just seeing you outside makes him nervous.

“You’re not that much better.” 

She chuckled. Despite it bordering on annoying, Nevra’s increasing protectiveness could be, on occasion, terribly endearing.

Karenn had taken some time to explain it: it was a vampire thing. Being this close to the due date, his instincts asked him to make sure she was somewhere safe and familiar when their child was born. He’d be more over-protective in the weeks following the birth, but at the very least his attention would also be focused on their baby instead of just breathing down her neck and stopping her from walking to their kitchen for a glass of water.

Personally, Erika believes Karenn made it up to justify his, and her , bouts of overprotectiveness. 

In truth, everyone around her had been on edge since she hit her third trimester.

The morbid part of Erika’s mind thinks they might be preparing for the possibility of death in childbirth.

Eyes linger on her even more often than before, and friends, old and new, seem a little too willing to stop by to reminisce. 

No one tells her, but she knows. She knows all too well.

Nevra’s hands find the small of her back, as he gently guides her to the couch again. 

He’s exhausted, but winding down with her at night is the best part of his day.

With her pregnancy, he has avoided missions that require too much travel. As Huang Hua’s right-hand man, it’s not like such things are often expected of him anyway. It’s easier to delegate tasks, but now that Erika is on the home stretch, and the baby can come at any moment now, Nevra has been spending long hours getting his affairs in order, ready to go on leave when their child is born.

He has no hope of being able to properly go on leave, but he wants to make sure the amount of work he has is minimal, instead of the mountains of paperwork he usually has to deal with.

“You know I can’t help it. And the closer we get to the date…” He trailed off, his eyes flicking to her rounded belly with a mixture of awe and anxiety. She doesn’t comment on it but could sense a nervous energy to him, simmering just below the surface, just barely suppressed.

“How are you feeling? Have they…”

He starts, the words winding down into nothingness as the hand previously on her back moves underneath her shirt, caressing the taut skin of her belly. Erika cringes slightly at the coldness of his hands. Nevra is likely doing this both to greet their child and as a ploy to warm his hands. He has always been attracted to her warmth, which is especially annoying when her base temperature has been up, she’s feeling unbearably hot all the time, but her beloved partner insists on being all over her like a sentient weighted blanket.

“The usual,” Erika replied, resting a hand over his. “They’re still too cosy in there to want to leave, making me miserable. I swear, If they don’t decide to come out soon, I’ll reach in and pull them out myself.”

Nevra’s lips quirked into a small smile, but his lilac eyes betrayed him, still soft with worry. He didn’t speak for a long moment, his thumb tracing slow, rhythmic circles across her skin, following any tiny movement he could feel in her belly. 

He used to complain about how sombre she could be. About all the what-ifs that tormented her, the dark jokes she made at her own expense as a consequence of her past, and all the terrible misfortune that coloured their time together.

Things got much better after her pregnancy progressed and she got too focused on their move, obsessing over every little detail of their shared home, to concern herself with these things. It felt like a burst of optimism, being allowed to focus on the future for once rather than being tethered to her painful past.

But as her due date approached, it seemed like things became sombre again.

The light dimmed, a heavy fog settling in between them. She could only walk towards the light, hoping that it would lead to something good, rather than more tragedy. 

“I started writing in the baby book again,” Erika said, breaking the silence. Her voice was light, almost casual, but there was a tremor underneath it. Nevra’s hand stills for just a moment before he forces himself to continue tracing shapes in her belly.

The rhythm is broken, however. Too stilted to seem natural.

“Just little things,” she murmured, looking away. “The way you hum when you’re stressed. How you always bring me fruit for breakfast, even though you hate how it smells, the lyrics to lullabies from back home…”

“It sounds like you’re writing a farewell letter,” Nevra said softly, his voice tight.

She swallows, hard, there’s a beat where the conversation dies, too long, too uncomfortable when things around him felt so easy beforehand.

“Maybe I am.”

His grip on her tightened, his fingers curling protectively over her stomach. She distantly recognises the shapes he’s tracing as protective runes.

“You shouldn’t,” Nevra pleas, and she can’t bring herself to look at him. “You’re going to be just fine.”

“I just… want them to know me,” she said, her voice breaking. “In case I don’t—”

“You will,” Nevra interrupted, his voice firm. “You will know them. You’ll be there for everything.  And if you can’t finish that stupid book, I will. I’ll fill every single page... They’ll know you, Erika.”

She nodded, her throat too tight to speak, and leaned into his shoulder. He held her, a little too tightly, as the baby stirred between them, both of them lost in their thoughts.

—

It starts gradually.

She never expected labour to be like this. It doesn’t really matter how many baby books she read, or how many times medics walked her through all the steps of labour, the idea of it that always seemed to come to mind came from all the movies and shows she watched back home.

Things always start suddenly. A sharp pain, then your water breaks, then all hell breaks loose. In a neat twenty-one minutes, you’re holding your perfect, healthy, clean baby.

Reality is much, much more painful than fiction.

For starters, there’s a lot more waiting involved.

Waiting and counting.

Waiting until the contractions get strong enough, waiting until they’re timeable. Waiting until they’re close enough apart and last for long enough. 

Waiting until the water breaks, until her cervix is dilated. Until they can give her something to manage the pain.

Waiting, waiting, waiting .

It’s worse than the nine months that came beforehand. The wait seems far longer, heavier, and more anxiety-inducing.

Nevra was there the whole time. Labour lasted far longer than either expected, but he refused to leave Erika’s side, or their shared home until his firstborn was safe in his arms. He must’ve snapped at Eweleïn three times, begging her to do anything to do anything to mitigate Erika’s pain, before she threatened to kick him out and only let him back inside once it was finished.

He was much more compliant, then.

The early morning hours blurred together as Erika gripped the edge of the bed, her breathing ragged. Each contraction tore through her with an intensity that made the world tilt, and yet it wasn’t the pain that filled her with dread—it was the knowledge that this might be the end of the road.

The room was silent, save for the occasional rustle of fabric and Eweleïn’s hushed instructions. Erika can only barely process the flurry of movement around her as nurses and healers rush into position, getting vials filled with colourful potions into a table and preparing the station where her child is going to be examined. Why they hadn’t bothered to do so in the hours she was waiting for her cervix to dilate enough for her to be able to push was beyond her.

Erika’s laboured breaths filled the air as she clung to Nevra’s hand, her grip tight as she bordered on desperation. The birth had been harder than anyone expected, threaded with extreme caution. Her mind felt too hazy to properly process any words that weren’t “ push” and the vague notion that she had lost a little too much blood. 

She was exhausted and hungry by too many hours of labour and in terrible pain. Nevra whispered soft assurances into her skin, which made her feel a little better, even if she couldn’t understand them.

“Almost there, Erika,” 

Eweleïn said, her voice firm but gentle, though even she looked strained. As exhausted by the experience as they all were.

Erika nodded, her hair plastered to her forehead with sweat. She couldn’t waste energy on words. All she could think about was the fragile life she was bringing into a world that had never shown her mercy.  

“You’re doing amazing,” Nevra said, his voice trembling as he pressed a kiss to her damp forehead. “Just a little longer, sweetheart. I’m right here.”

She nodded, her grip tightening on his hand. 

“Nevra,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. “If I don’t—”

“Please,” he cut her off, his voice sharper than he intended. He softened immediately, brushing her hair back, guilt flashing in his eyes. “You’ll be just fine. You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever known, and you’ve come so far..”

Erika closed her eyes as another contraction hit, her scream muffled against his chest.

Eweleïn’s voice broke through the tension.

“One more push, Erika. You’re almost there.”

Part of her wanted to scream at her old friend. It seemed like she was insisting that it was just one more push for hours. 

With a final, desperate cry, Erika bore down with all the strength she had left, and then there was silence. 

For one agonizing moment, the world seemed to hold its breath, Erika’s heart pounding in her chest as a familiar dread washed over her, until the piercing, shrill, wail of her newborn shattered the stillness.

It’s like they all breathe a sigh of relief. 

Her body slumps back into the pillows, finally allowed to relax after what felt like an interminable effort, but she is still trembling from the aftermath.

Then she cries.

Out of relief they both shared, that the worst was over. That she managed to overcome the biggest hurdle and they both pulled through. All those months of dread, all those nagging thoughts that tainted every happy moment were finally proven wrong.

Nevra let out a choked laugh, his own eyes wet as Eweleïn finally handed the baby to Erika.

Her hold on the newborn is a little awkward, but with her Eweleïn’s assistance, she’s able to hold the baby securely in her weak limbs. Her dear friend wipes away her tears with a proud smile, holding back her own tears through a thin veil of professionalism.

"It's a girl"

The elf announces, her giddiness is as infectious as her smile. Eweleïn lingers around the new parents for a brief moment, the three old friends relishing in the victory of a battle well-fought, before she leaves them, caught up again in the flurry of activity inside of the room. Their time with the newborn right now is limited, before she's weighed, cleaned and thoroughly examined, but Erika is glad to have this little moment of privacy. To be inside of this perfect little bubble with Nevra and the child she finally gets to meet.

The vampire regards them both with awe, his eyes lighting up as he watches their tiny, bloody little baby squirm in her mother’s arms. 

“You did it,” he murmured, his voice raw with relief. “You’re both here. You’re both safe.”

Maybe in a few years, when this is all long past them, Erika will manage to feign being offended at his blatant disbelief, but right now, she echoes the sentiment. 

They’re both there, and safe .

She had grown too used to things being good, too good , and then being ripped away from her.

In her eyes, the past few months, where she got her life back with Nevra, was an anomaly. She lived in fear, waiting for her time to run out, for the inevitable other shoe to drop, for another world-ending event to wipe away all of those she had loved.

But now she holds her baby close. Her precious little girl, with her father’s pointy ears and her mum’s nose, allowing herself to enjoy the moment with no reservations. No catastrophising. Even if it doesn’t last, and the fear of their future crushes her again, she allows herself this one thing.

The weight of her survival was heavy, but for this moment, it was worth it.

For her.

—

The stars were scattered across the night sky as Erika sat on the edge of the cliff overlooking the forest, weeks later. The baby, swaddled and asleep, was cradled safely in her arms. The aengel had insisted on being left alone, though Nevra had hovered like a shadow at the edge of her vision, reluctant to leave her or their daughter’s side for even a moment.

She allows him to walk the familiar path with them, a few steps behind. It’s a little game— He can join, just as long as he stays out of her view. If she spots him directly before they reach their destination, he needs to go home.

There isn’t much one can do with a child this new, but Erika manages. As soon as she could, she started taking her baby on little walks around the HQ, strapped to her chest, covered in soft clothes she hated to wear. Her walks usually happened at night, when the baby couldn’t stop crying and she needed to do something to keep herself sane when everyone else was asleep, and they were both away from prying eyes and well-meaning advice she frankly did not want.

She started by walking to the centenary tree, sitting by her own statue, talking to an old friend who was long gone, hoping the dim lights and her soft voice would soothe her child to rest. Later, when she was strong enough, her feet took her to the same cliffside that had shaped so much of her recent life.

Erika was no longer fragile from the delivery, but she wasn’t whole either.

The same powers that had once healed her so quickly now seemed sluggish, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that something about them had changed , evolved, much like everything else in her life.

Her bond with Leiftan still existed, and on the worst nights she could still sense him, sending her comfort in the only way he knew how, but he had mostly blocked her off. Her senses had grown mostly attuned to her child, helping her understand her daughter’s needs without fumbling as much as she feared she would. 

It’s strange to think that she’s a mother, now.

It only feels real now that her baby is in her arms, but it’s still an adjustment to be given this new title, to the way that people now perceive her.

Nevra joined her without a word, sitting close enough that their shoulders touched. He said nothing at first, allowing her a moment of quiet if she wishes, or to tell her what has been bothering her.

He just wanted to be nearby.

“Funny, right?” Erika’s voice cuts through the night, barely above a whisper, not wanting to wake their child. “We were sitting here, seven months ago. In this exact spot. And I told you I was pregnant.”

He smiles, almost despite himself, filled with a sudden nostalgia. She knows he’s just as exhausted as she is.

“The best, most terrifying night of my life.” 

Nevra announces, which makes Erika laugh, almost despite herself.

“You didn’t seem scared .”

“I was.” He admits “I still am.”

Why wouldn’t he be, after all?

Parenthood was scary. The moments leading up to it were, and the reality hit her much worse.

She loved her daughter more than words could say, but sometimes she felt like she had a hard time truly bonding with her. Feeling like herself again.

It’s a strange thought, that defined so much of her time after she woke up from her sacrifice. Others perceived her as a saviour, as a living legend.

The last Aengel.

Her friends regarded her as a long-lost friend, someone they loved but couldn’t quite remember. An echo of a different time.

She was always so lost in the different expectations. In all the titles she was given, and how much they clashed with the reality of who she is. Or at least she perceived herself as being.

The truth, she found, is that she, herself, doesn’t know the definitive answer.

Perhaps it was presumptuous to once think she did.

She’s a mixture of everything and nothing at all. Beyond all the suffocating titles, the weight of expectations, her fears and her story, she’s Erika .

The only way to feel like herself is to be herself. To stop pretending like she’s okay and like she isn’t afraid for the sake of others, to stop acting like the perfect sacrifice. The heroine they all craved.

It’s who she wants her daughter to know her as. It’s something she’d known for a long time, what was harder was to be that person, not just simply write down those words in a journal.

“She deserves more than this,” 

Erika said finally, voice barely above a whisper.

“More than what?”

Nevra tilted his head. 

“More than a mother who will probably leave her before she learns how to walk,” Erika replied, bitterness lacing her words. “More than a father who has to juggle the world’s problems with raising her.”

Nevra didn’t flinch. He had always been steady like that, even when everything else felt like it was crumbling. He was just as scared as she was, she often reminded herself, and only recently had grown comfortable in expressing those fears to her.

“You’ve survived everything thrown at you so far,” he said, his voice firm but kind. “I know you don’t want to be the saviour again, but you’ll do it. Because you’re you.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

She looked at her daughter’s face. As how her plump cheeks are squished against her mother’s chest, deeply asleep, so serene, so full of life, and felt her heart ache. How could she bring herself to love this fiercely again, knowing it could be taken from her in a second?

Nevra rested his hand over hers, where it lay against the baby’s form. 

“She has all she needs, Erika. She has parents who love her, and people from the HQ and beyond who’d lay down their lives for her in a second if asked.” That makes her chuckle. “And most of all, I know that if something were to happen to you, you’d fight like hell to come back to us. You have before, back when you had much less to fight for.”

He said simply, the weight of his sincerity breaking through her walls. He’s right, she knows he is. She just needed to accept it.

She closed her eyes, letting the tears come.

When the sun rose, Erika stood at the edge of the forest, her daughter in Nevra’s arms as he waited nearby, shielding the baby’s eyes from the bright light. The horizon blazed with gold, and for just a moment, it felt like clarity.

It was her lighthouse, her way out of the fog that obscured her vision, out of the darkness and weariness that had once consumed her.

Erika spent so long fearing her death that it was hard to accept that, for once, she was allowed to live.

Things wouldn’t always be easy, and the calm she now knew wouldn’t last forever, but there was no use in suffering for what might be and losing all the joy of the life that she painstakingly built for herself. She had her happy ending all along, but in her fear, she didn’t even realise it.

She was tired of losses and of every single milestone being tarnished by her fear of the future. So, for now, she looked to the present. 

Erika turned back to them, her family , and smiled through her weariness.

“Just a little longer,” 

She whispered, more to herself than anyone else. When she smiles, she finds it to be sincere.

The road behind them was filled with darkness, perhaps, but she looked to the light that guided them. 

For her child. 

For Nevra. 

And most of all, for herself.