Work Text:
Okay so maybe Keith was slightly at fault here.
It had been his idea, after all, to land on the trading planet off the side of the galaxy they were currently in. But in his defense, he did it because Coran had informed them literally a half hour before that they were critically low on first-aid supplies, and Keith didnt know about everyone else, but he considered medical supplies to be very fucking important. They were a group of galaxy-saving heroes after all. Injuries came with the program, so medical supplies needed to be at hand at all times. Well, at least according to Keith. But he did admit, seeing the surprised but grateful look on Coran's face had been worth it. It made him feel almost accomplished; more close to this group of ragtag people he considered a family.
Allura and Shiro had exchanged mighty-leader looks, but ultimately no one objected, and a plan to land on the planet was in order. If you had asked Keith at that time, whether he regretted his decision, he would've said a firm 'no'. If you had also asked Keith two hours ago what was the name of said planet, he would have been able to answer promptly.
Now?
Well...he had other things to worry about.
"Come onnnn, Mullet, it's just one!"
Namely stopping his dumbass of a teammate from carting a literal tree back to the castle-ship.
Keith pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling what was probably his tenth sigh in the span of an hour build up in his chest. Oh, why had he been chosen to go with Hunk and Lance to explore the planet while Coran and the rest went to look for medical supplies? He'd much rather be looking at scalpels and alien first-aid kits than what he was doing right now. Forget the medical supplies, why had he opened his mouth and insisted on landing here? They could have found medical supplies somewhere else! Then he wouldn't have been dealing with this...situation right now.
"No."
The Cuban standing in front of him huffed, crossing his arms with a scowl. Cute, thought Keith absently before freezing mentally in horror, almost choking on his spit. What the fuck?
Had he really just thought Lance, the most annoying, aggravating, piece of shit to exist in space as cute?
More proof that whatever alien-tree Lance was shoving in Keith's face was doing harm to his mental wellbeing. Aka more proof that they needed to get rid of it as soon as possible.
"But look, Keithers—"
"Don't call me that."
"It's like a Christmas tree!"
Keith froze. Every argument ready at the tip of his tongue withering away by those two words.
Christmas tree.
He looked again at the tree Lance had propped up against him since they had set foot in the stall of greenery that Lance had eagerly dragged him and Hunk into. It was spindly looking enough to kind of resemble a pine tree or at most, an ambitious evergreen. The only difference was that its leaves were hot pink, and its branches were a dark blue. (Almost like Lance's eyes, Keith's traitorous mind whispered. Keith resolutely shut it up.)
But all differences aside, it did look like a Christmas tree; which was probably why Keith was trying so hard to change Lance's mind. He did not want a tree that brought back those types of memories within his vicinity for the next couple of weeks.
"Lance, we are not bringing a hot-pink tree back to the castle-ship and calling it a 'Christmas tree'."
Lance turned to Hunk, puppy-eyes in full blast. "Hunk, my buddy, my best bro, you're on my side, right?"
The Yellow Paladin's eyes flicked from Lance's pleading pout to the fucking hot-pink tree and finally to Keith, who stood with crossed arms and his usual scowl. "Uh," he began hesitantly, "dude...I'm pretty sure Christmas trees are supposed to be...green? And this one...isn't?"
"So? It's still a tree! And it looks Christmasy enough to invoke the holiday spirit!"
"How do you even know it's December?" snapped Keith, losing hold of his carefully maintained patience. "For all we know, Christmas was months ago and we missed it."
Lance's eyes flickered with some unreadable emotion, but it was gone before Keith could try to figure it. "It's the thought that counts," he countered stubbornly. "Plus we've all been on pins and needles lately; we all need some cheer, which this wonderful beauty—" he gestured grandly to the pink tree "—would most definitely provide."
"Can I just—" Hunk cut in quickly before Keith could say anything, "I kinda agree with him, dude." He turned apologetic eyes onto Keith. "We're...we've been fighting this war for who knows how long. I hate to be a pessimist but we all need a little brightness in our lives right about now. And well..." he shrugged, "if anything can bring out cheer and brightness, it's Christmas."
"Yeah!" Lance put in, "and a tree would make everything a bit brighter. We can decorate it, buy ornaments, oh oh and cover it in lights!" His eyes shone brightly at the thought, dark blues gleaming like the ocean under the moonlight, "come on, it'll be totally worth it."
Of course, you'd think that, Keith couldn't help the bitter thought from wiggling free of the confines of his mind. Now that it was bouncing around in his head, it was all Keith could think about. Of course, Hunk and Lance believed Christmas to bring out cheer and positivity among the group—anyone would think that way.
But you wouldn't think that way, a small voice in his head whispered. Keith frowned, ignoring the rising bout of heaviness expanding up his chest and heart. I would, he argued back, if things had been different, I would.
He looked from Lance's eager face to the propped-up tree. Hunk's expectant gaze bore into him, but he didn't dare look. He worried what the other paladin would see written in his eyes if he did; Hunk was more perceptive than he let on, which scared Keith more than Allura's temper and Shiro's disappointment, to be honest.
But before he could open his mouth, a voice snapped from behind them.
"Oi."
It was the alien at the counter who'd been watching the entire debacle with thinly veiled irritation. Their nametag read a series of symbols and squiggles Keith couldn't begin to pick out, and their brows were drawn together and their lips were pressed as though they were holding back the urge to throw them out of the store. Which, given the scene they'd been causing for the past thirty minutes, he wouldn't be surprised if they were.
"Are ye buying it or not?"
Keith sighed, reaching into his jacket pocket. "How much does it cost?"
He tried to pay no mind to how Lance's excited squeal made the heavy feeling in his chest lessen slightly.
[***]
Needless to say, the rest of the team wasn't as thrilled.
They were the last ones to arrive, huffing and dragging the tree between them. Keith had grumbled to himself the whole time, trying from every angle to see how a tree like this could have cost thirty fucking GAC.
When the alien at the counter had said the price, Keith's first thought had been of the occasional shops mucking money out of unsuspecting customers by asking for a price higher than necessary; maybe that was what was happening here. But before he could...negotiate with the alien, Lance had squeezed in beside him—a tight fit between Keith, the counter, and the six-foot hot-pink tree, but somehow Lance managed—and laid a calming hand on Keith's shoulder.
Keith wasn't delighted to say that one action had brought all his thoughts at that time to a grinding halt, and was also quite embarrassed that he had forgotten what he was going to do just from the feeling of those slender fingers on his bicep—a feather-light touch, but it felt like weights to Keith.
In the end, they all had to dish out the ten GAC Allura had given them to spend and had walked out of the shop with their tree in tow. Well, walking made it seem proper; they actually had to heave and drag the tree out and make sure its branches didn't get caught in alien dresses or outdoor shopping stalls.
That didn't deter Lance though, who trotted onward hauling the tree along with a bright smile on his face, even as branches thwacked him and the bark of the tree trunk was probably scraping his palms.
"This is gonna be so cool," he told Keith and Hunk excitedly, voice rising as he spoke. "Hunk, buddy, we have to buy ornaments—do you think Shiro and Allura would let us? Oh, and Christmas lights!"
"Relax, dude," Hunk chuckled, shooting Keith an exasperated yet fond look as he nudged Lance, "first thing's first, we probably should have an explanation as to why we have a tree the size of Shiro with us."
"Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. They'll understand," said Lance, waving a hand airily.
It was not fine.
When Shiro saw the bright pink tree bobbing toward them, his eyes looked like they were ten seconds from bulging out of his head. Pidge's eyebrows shot so high they disappeared into her hairline, and Allura was staring at the tree standing proudly between the group, seemingly at a loss of words.
Shiro was the first one to break the silence.
"What," he cleared his throat, his eyes on the tree. "What have you got there, guys?"
"A Christmas tree!" said Lance brightly. "Y'know—for Christmas?"
"Apparently Christmas trees are now hot-pink," said Pidge dryly.
"That's what I said," muttered Keith.
Lance shot them a glare.
"Does it really matter what color it is? The point is that it looks exactly like a Christmas tree!"
"What exactly is a 'Christmas' tree?" asked Allura confusedly. "Is it a type of plant?"
As Lance explained with sweeping gestures the holiday Christmas to an intrigued Allura and Coran, Keith found his eyes traveling back to the tree in question. It stood innocently, branches splayed out and glinting a pinkish-blue under the too-bright sun of the trading planet. He tried to imagine ornaments and decorations on it; bright lights swirling around its spindly branches. Maybe a glowing star sat at the very top.
He quickly looked away, his eyes stinging and heart aching. As he did, he caught Hunk's eye.
Are you okay? the other boy's expression seemed to ask. Keith straightened himself up involuntarily and frowned, turning his head away.
He didn't need pity. They wouldn't get it anyway.
A whoop from Lance brought Keith's attention back to the present. Lance was grinning from ear to ear, his eyes alight with happiness as he spread his arms in front of the tree. "You're gonna be bedazzled, baby!" he cheered, "guess who's gonna be celebrating Christmas?"
Allura was shaking her head with a small smile. "Lance has a point," she said, "with all the darkness war has brought upon us, it would do some good to invite some brightness in our present lives."
"Did I mention you are a goddess, Allura?" Lance grinned.
"A couple of times, yes."
"I still don't think I'll ever be over a bright pink tree used for Christmas," Pidge muttered, side-eyeing the tree as though it were a grenade. "What plant species do you think it is?"
"Oh no no," Lance threw his arms out and stood protectively over the tree, "you are not mangling this tree for your experiments, Pidge."
"But we don't even know if it is a tree! I'm conducting research, not experiments."
"Same difference!"
Shiro cleared his throat significantly, "okay you two, Pidge no maiming the tree until after Christmas. Lance, er—no maiming Pidge."
"Dammit."
"Language, Pidge."
"Very well," Allura clapped her hands together, effectively stopping any arguments. "Let us bring this tree into the castle, and see where we can put it. I would very well like to see this Christmas spirit for myself."
"Sounds like a plan, Princess!" Lance cheered, pumping his fist into the air.
"Yeah, but uh..." Hunk took a step back and surveyed the tree in front of them in all its more-than-six-foot glory. "Quick question: how is it going to fit through the door?"
[***]
It was a surprisingly ordinary day when Keith broke at long last.
He supposed he should congratulate himself for coming this far without losing it, especially given his hot-headed nature, but given how he had blown up, he wasn't in the right mood to be celebrating.
Not like it was random. It was a build-up of different events—an accumulation. Of Hunk and Lance pressing him to decorate the tree with crazy ornaments they had found at the space mall; of Pidge babbling about how intriguing the tree's species must be, and how once Christmas was over, she needed it right away; of Lance talking a mile a minute about how his family would celebrate Christmas; of Shiro's small smiles whenever he passed their unofficial Christmas Tree; of even Allura and Coran asking them of the various Christmas customs so they could copy them to the best of their ability.
Each time Christmas was mentioned, each time he passed the tree, each time Lance opened his mouth nowadays, Keith felt closer and closer to bursting. The memories were overwhelming him at this point, unwanted bits and pieces of his past that he had kept under lock and key before. Keith didn't know how long he could take before he blew up, and he knew that when he did, it would not be pretty.
He just hadn't expected nor hoped for it to be so soon.
It started during breakfast; Keith had to endure Pidge talking about getting samples of the branches of their tree, while Lance yelped indignantly that 'no one is going near my baby!'
Normally Keith would have taken advantage of using Lance's laughter and excitement to tamp down his thoughts and memories, but today, there was no smile to be seen. Lance had been frowning with crossed arms, and so Keith went through the rest of the day without his emotional booster.
He wouldn't say that was the initiation—the start of the chaos that this day would be—but...it kind of was.
Throughout the day, the usual mentions of Christmas and the tree and decorations occurred, but this time, Keith could feel the taut string wrapped around his heart stretching thinner and thinner until just when it felt so close to snapping, he shot to his feet, stopping the discussion he had been half-heartedly partaking in.
Shiro and Allura looked up with more than a little bit of worry. Keith had a feeling that whatever his expression was, it wasn't good.
"Is something the matter, Keith?" asked Allura, pausing their conversation about some coalition party that Keith couldn't bother to listen to right now.
"You look a bit sick," added Shiro frowning. "Do you need to see Coran?"
Keith shook his head, all his thoughts were jumbled and disorganized. What did he want?
After a minute, he realized he hadn't answered Shiro, and quickly said, "no, I'm fine. But...I'm gonna go to the kitchen. I could use a pick-me-up."
Thankfully, that was enough to make Shiro's shoulders relax, and he nodded with a small smile.
"See, this is why you have to take care of yourself, bud. I know Hunk's making hot chocolate, you should ask him for a sample. I'm sure he'd be happy to let you have a taste."
The last thing Keith wanted to do was drink hot chocolate and deal with Hunk's keen eye, but he nodded stiffly and walked out of the room, feeling Shiro and Allura's eyes on his back. When he was finally out in the hallway away from their stares, Keith sighed, running a hand through his hair. He had two options now: go to the kitchen and get the hot chocolate or go to his room like he had been intending to.
A voice rang out from one of the rooms before he could come to a decision.
"Hey, Keith!"
It was Pidge, walking toward him and carrying her laptop as usual. She stopped in front of him and looked him over critically. "What's up?"
Keith frowned. "What?"
"You look like a truck ran you over," she said bluntly. "Did you forget to eat again or something?"
Keith huffed, an instinctive feeling of indignation rising in him before he saw Pidge's small smirk. "Shut up," he muttered, amidst Pidge's snickers, "I already have Shiro and Allura on my case, I don't need you too."
"Well," Pidge tapped a finger on her chin mock-thoughtfully, "a little birdy told me that Hunk was making hot chocolate. You wanna come with me to bribe him into giving some?"
"Bribing Hunk?" asked Keith, even as he set off alongside her in the direction of the kitchens. "Isn't that a sin?"
Pidge scoffed. "Whoever put that idea in your head probably bribes Hunk on a daily basis to prevent other people from doing so too. I bribe Hunk all the time, but especially when it comes to cooking, you just have to mention you're hungry and he'll load heaps of whatever he's making on you. It's great."
As they neared the kitchen, Keith stiffened at the sound of a familiar voice from the other side. Of course, he couldn't even go get a mere cup of hot chocolate without coming across the very person who has been causing such an influx of thoughts in him recently. He wondered if it was too late to turn tail and sprint straight to his room, but Pidge had already opened the door and was gesturing him inside while saying loudly into the kitchen: "guess who's back, bitches?"
"Pidgey!" Lance grinned, waving from where he sat on the kitchen table—yes, literally on the table. "What has decided to grace your presence in the kitchen, of all places? And oh, you brought Keith too? What is this world coming to!"
"We're in space, Lance," deadpanned Pidge. Lance scoffed and muttered something about that "not mattering, whatever I said still made sense, Pidgeon."
Hunk sighed, shaking his head with a fond smile at them from where he stood by the counter. "Did you come for the hot chocolate too?"
"Yup," said Pidge popping the p as she hopped up on the counter and propped her laptop on her lap, "and Keith and I aren't leaving until we both get a large mug of it."
Hunk chuckled, already reaching for two cups that had jaunty patterns painted on their gray backgrounds. "Did I or did I not call it?" he said to Lance as he poured the hot chocolate. "I told you they'd come for it—or at least that Pidge would."
"Hey! I didn't know someone was whispering chocolaty secrets to the rest of the team!"
"Yeah, I bet that's Shiro," said Keith, taking the mug Hunk offered to him. "He was the one who told me." He sniffed experimentally at the cup, "what did you even use to make this?"
"Don't worry, buddy, it's safe," chuckled Hunk, patting Keith's shoulder and nodding at Pidge who had downed half the cup the second she got it and was now coughing from how hot it was. "I found some cool earth-like ingredients in the planet we recently stopped at, plus remember that trading planet we got the tree from? I stopped by a market stall and got stuff there too, and boom! The recipe for making hot chocolate was born! I thought it would be kinda neat what with all the Christmasy vibes we have going on."
Keith looked at the chocolate-colored liquid in the cup he held and hesitated. But one glance up at Hunk's hopeful face brought his hand up without thinking, and he took a large gulp of the hot chocolate. It tasted...like hot chocolate; no wonder Shiro was probably waxing poetry about it to everyone in the castle-ship, this stuff was delicious! He took another sip, barely paying mind to the heat encompassing his mouth, and felt a small smile creep up as Hunk's face lit up at the positive reaction.
"This is really good," he told Hunk, to the Yellow Paladin's delight.
"Yeah man, Hunk's culinary talents strike again!" called Lance from behind them as Hunk blushed and grinned around his thanks. He was thumping Pidge hard on the back as the Green Paladin quickly moved her laptop out of the way to avoid it getting drenched. "Also, at least you're not like this dumbass who couldn't wait five fricking seconds till it cooled!"
"Oh no, do you want some water? I think we have some water-type liquids around here—" Hunk bustled back to the counter, hovering over Pidge as the other heaved in gasps of air through a red face. "I told you not to drink so much at once! You could die!"
"Gee thanks for the support, Hunk," muttered Pidge. She swatted Lance's hands away and grabbed her laptop, examining it thoroughly before sighing in relief when it seemed to work just fine.
"What's so important about that laptop that you're more worried about it than your own life?" asked Lance, peering over her shoulder.
Pidge shrugged, "nothing really, I just took some samples of the tree's leaves and—"
"YOU WHAT?!"
"Oh relax, Lance, you didn't even notice until I told you just now. I took them days ago!"
Keith muffled a snicker through another sip of hot chocolate as Lance sputtered protests that went unheard as Pidge focused her attention back on the screen. Lance noticed, anyway, and turned his glare on him.
"Yeah yeah, laugh it up, mullet-head."
Keith rolled his eyes, "is that your comeback for everything? How original."
"It's not my fault your hair is a fashion atrocity!"
"So? It's not your hair, so why do you care so much?"
"Thank frigging goodness for that. I think I might throw myself out of the airlock if that was my hair."
"Will you stop—"
"For fuck's sake!" Pidge looked up from her screen, her glasses flashing in irritation, "can't you two ever shut it?"
"It's his fault," said Lance petulantly, crossing his arms and going back to peeking over her shoulder. "You should be mad at him."
"Lance, I swear to god, I'll program your bathroom to lock you out if you don't shut up."
"Okay okay, not the bathroom! I need to keep all this—" Lance gestured to his face "—in shape and beautiful."
"Then shut up and drink your damn hot chocolate," Pidge grumbled, pushing her glasses up her nose and frowning at the screen.
"What did you figure out about the tree, Pidge?" asked Hunk, steering the conversation back onto safer waters. He leaned against the counter next to Pidge and wrapped an arm subconsciously around Lance as he spoke. Honestly, sometimes Keith wondered if Hunk and Lance really were just friends; you can't find one without the other within touching-zone.
"Well, according to the scans, it's native to the planet you guys got it from. It's actually not life-threatening at all; in fact, it's the closest I can think of to the trees back on Earth."
"So they are like trees!" said Lance triumphantly. He gave Keith a look that screamed 'Ha, I told you so!'
Keith rolled his eyes and looked back down at his cup, though his intense focus on its chipped edges and its wacky painted designs weren't enough to block out Lance's words.
"Did you see what Hunk and I did to the tree?"
Pidge's voice, faint as though she weren't really listening, "if you're talking about the bright-ass lights that burned my eyes when I saw it first thing today morning, then yes. I saw."
"But lights are always the best part!" he could hear the outrage in Lance's voice and knew without having to look up, that the other was gaping in shock. "It makes everything brighter and more festive!"
Keith clenched the cup tightly with both hands as Hunk said, "I think it looks really festive, dude. It makes me feel like I'm back at home."
They would be stupid not to have noticed the underlying nostalgia to those words.
"I miss celebrating Christmas," said Lance, a hint of something in his voice that Keith didn't want to decipher. "My family and I, we had the craziest holiday traditions, did I tell you guys?"
"Yes Lance, you did," said both Hunk and Pidge fondly.
"Yeah, well, starting the week of Christmas, things would get really hectic, and gods, the place would always smell so good. And our tree was ginormous, and we would decorate it from top to bottom—"
That's when the string that had been stretched too tight for too long snapped.
"Alright, we get it!"
The room froze. The castle-ship froze. The galaxy froze.
Keith slammed his mug down, splashing some leftover hot chocolate on the table, a dark contrast to the whiteness of the table. He didn't know when he had stood up, but he stalked around the table to where the other three paladins stood silent and surprised.
"We get that you love Christmas so much. We get that you and your family did so many cool things together. We get that you want to go home and you're projecting, now just please shut up?"
Lance was quiet, but Keith didn't give him any room to respond anyway.
"Every day I've had to deal with—with all this," he gestured around as though that mere action could explain everything he had been holding back for weeks. "But I held back. I didn't want to say anything, but you're not stopping—and I can't—it's always about Christmas, and could you just talk about something else? Actually no, just stop talking!" He was aware he was ranting, aware that he was probably sprouting nonsense, but a larger part of him didn't care. He had been keeping all this in wraps for so long, it felt relieving to let it all out.
You've said enough, a smaller more rational side of him murmured, stop. You're going to go too far.
But Keith didn't stop. He didn't know if he could stop. He was on a roll and he hated and loved each second of it.
"Who cares if your family used to bake Christmas all sorts of different Christmas cookies every day during the week of Christmas? Who cares if it was so hard to buy presents for your nieces and nephews cause they were super picky? Who fucking cares about the way you all would decorate your tree and the star you'd put up on top, and the stupid movies you would watch, and how you would have fun—" his voice cracked. He hadn't realized he was shouting. He heard the kitchen door slide open, but he didn't look back to see who it was. He couldn't tear his eyes away from Lance who had stopped mid-gesture, his hands hanging loosely in the air like a limp puppet, and his eyes shining too bright as he stared back at Keith with his mouth partly open.
"Keith..." whispered Hunk.
"If you care about your family so much, you would be focusing on saving them instead of babbling about them like a child."
There was a gasp. Lance's eyes had widened, his lips quivered, and his hands shook. Keith's chest felt suddenly very hollow; he hoped to feel content now that everything he had been hiding was out in the open, but funnily, he felt even worse.
"Keith."
Shiro was standing at the door, his mouth working as though he couldn't quite get the right words. He took a step forward, but Keith stumbled back, his hand reaching back to grasp at something—anything—to ground him. But all he could feel was empty air.
There was a choked gasp of breath, and Keith staggered sideways as a force pushed him. He watched numbly as Lance stormed out of the kitchen, ignoring Shiro and Hunk's calls of his name.
Keith's stomach plummeted when he saw the tremble of the Blue Paladin's hands as he whipped around the corner, letting the door swish shut behind him. Shit. What had he done?
It was quiet now. Deathly quiet.
Keith could feel Shiro's eyes on him. Hunk had turned away, his shoulders trembling as he moved to clean the spilled hot chocolate. Pidge set her laptop aside and strode out of the room without so much as a backward glance; Keith had the sense that she was going to check on Lance.
"Keith," Shiro said again.
But Keith barely heard him. With the growing roaring in his ears, like water cresting the horizon, he found the rationale to mutter, "leave me alone," before squeezing past Shiro and sprinting down the hallway, clenching his fists though the pain was nothing compared to the throbbing in his heart.
[***]
Shiro was the one to find him first.
Keith didn't know how long he had been sitting in one of the unused rooms of the castle-ship. The only reason he preferred this specific room over the rest was for the large window that took up the entire back wall. He had found it during one of his late-night strolls when training just didn't seem to cut it for him, and the moment he saw the stars glittering from the wide window, he knew this was the room for him.
He had kept it a secret from the rest of the team. It felt strangely wrong letting someone else in—almost intrusive. But he should have known someone like Shiro wouldn't give up on finding him so easily. Especially given the circumstances.
"There you are."
Keith didn't flinch at the older paladin's voice. He had heard Shiro's footsteps outside five minutes before. He remained where he was, staring out the window, curled up in a blanket he had brought down with him from his room, and waited with tense shoulders for the reprimanding he was sure Shiro was gearing up for. What he had done was uncalled for, they both knew it. But Keith didn't know how to begin explaining to Shiro why he had reacted that way. It was too painful to pick apart.
Footsteps sounded behind Keith, and he felt more than saw Shiro settle down beside him.
"Nice room," he commented.
Keith shrugged.
"When did you come across this place?" asked Shiro lightly.
Keith knew what this was. Shiro was trying to tread lightly; to humor him. He wanted to put Keith at ease before bringing up what had gone down today. Keith wasn't stupid, he knew the tricks. Shiro had pulled something similar back when they were at the Garrison; when they weren't as close as they were now.
"Cut the crap, Shiro," sighed Keith, too tired both mentally and physically to get ahold of his words. "I know you want to talk about what I said back there."
Shiro's light expression dropped, and there—there was the serious face Keith was waiting for. "What happened, Keith?" he asked gently, "you haven't lashed out like that in months."
A part of Keith wanted to tell Shiro everything—from the moment he first heard the words 'Christmas tree' from Lance's mouth, he wanted to tell someone the confusing influx of feeling and emotions going through him at sixty miles an hour since they had set up the damn tree in the lounge room. Keith wanted to tell Shiro about the weird sickening swoop in his gut whenever he crossed the room and passed the tree to get to the training room; he wanted to pour out the memories roaming around unchecked in his head like tiny buzzards whenever Lance rambled on about his stupid tree decorations, and the different types of ornaments, and the Christmas lights, and how his family loved to celebrate it—
"It's nothing," he said roughly, hoping against hope that his eyes weren't wet. "I was in a bad mood today, is all."
"Keith."
"Leave it, Shiro," he looked up, facing the one person he trusted above all else. "Please."
Usually, this would be the cue for Shiro to indeed drop the matter. Keith knew Shiro hated making someone intentionally upset, and he rarely used the "please" line for his own gain because the last thing he wanted to do was take advantage of the one person who cared for him, but this time was different. This whole situation was different.
"No."
What?
Keith jerked his head up, meeting Shiro's determined gaze. Uh oh, for the first time, Shiro wasn't going to let this go. Keith must have really fucked up today.
You kinda did. The voice was back, speaking small but matter-of-factly. You hurt someone. A friend.
Because that's what Lance was. At least to Keith. Sure, they argued and bantered more times than not, but Keith would sacrifice a limb if it meant keeping the other safe. And even though any mention of Christmas made Keith want to cut the entire hot-pink tree into tiny pieces, whenever Lance rambled about it, his eyes always lit up like the bright night sky, and Keith was helpless. He had told himself that even if Christmas brought back too many memories, he would do anything to keep Lance looking like that, and if it meant hearing him talk about stuff his family did every Christmas, then so be it.
But then what had happened?
Everyone has a breaking point.
Great, now his inner voice was starting to sound like Hunk.
Just recalling the hurt look on Lance's face, the way his eyes had dimmed and his hands had stuttered, made Keith's whole heart twist painfully. Fuck, he really had messed up, hadn't he? No wonder Shiro wanted an explanation.
Speaking of which...Shiro was still looking at him, patiently waiting for an answer. Crap, crap, crap—
"Keith," and Shiro was looking at him with the softest Dad Look, and Keith was trying so hard not to crack. "You know you can tell me anything, right? Is it the tree? You've been acting off since you guys got it. Do you not like the color? Do you not like it?"
The small innocent part of him wanted to tell Shiro everything. From the intruding memories to his sudden increase of sleepless nights—all because of a stupid tree.
But no.
Not just because of a tree, but because of the meaning behind it.
But as he looked at Shiro's open and sincere face, he found that he couldn't do it. Shiro had suffered the most out of them all; he deserved to feel happiness connected to the planet he had to leave behind. Keith had seen the nostalgic smile Shiro sported whenever he rested eyes on the towering tree with the blue branches and pink leaves in their lounge. He wasn't stupid nor was he imperceptive, regardless of what others might think. Shiro had done so much for him, had been there for him when no one else was—when not even Keith himself was there—so why couldn't Keith tamper down his negativity and unneeded memories if it meant not worrying Shiro and celebrating the few moments of true happiness they could get?
"The tree's fine," Keith bit out. "Really, I'm fine, Shiro. I'll—I'll apologize to Lance once I get ahold of myself. Don't want to start another fight," he forced out a chuckle.
Shiro didn't look amused.
"Keith, you're a part of this team, and it's my duty and interest to make sure you're feeling safe and happy too."
And fuck, that sounded like something his dad would have said.
But he didn't dare say that. He didn't even dare to entertain that thought, because if he did, all would be lost and he didn't know what he would do in that moment.
"I'm just—It's been a while since I've properly celebrated Christmas. I need to get used to it. That's all."
There. That didn't sound too bad. And it didn't give too much away. Shiro wouldn't worry like crazy about this, right? He knew Keith's childhood, he knew the circumstances, he'd understand this.
Shiro's expression softened in understanding. He reached out a hand and touched Keith's shoulder lightly. "Of course, I—" he looked sheepishly at the window, "I should have realized that. I'm sorry for letting you feel this way for so long. I'll make sure to let Lance know to tone down on the Christmas spirit."
"No!" said Keith loudly. He felt red creep up his neck at Shiro's confused look and quickly backtracked. "I mean, Lance can talk about Christmas, I don't mind, honest! Today was just...it wasn't a super great day for me and it all piled up and I accidentally took it all out on him. It's not his fault, Shiro."
He didn't dare tell Shiro that the brightness in Lance's eyes was the main thing powering Keith through the memories that had begun to rear their heads since they'd bought the tree.
Shiro stared at him for a moment, long enough for Keith to force himself to not shift around under the pinned stare, but then, to his confusion, the Black Paladin chuckled and clapped Keith on the shoulder.
"I should have definitely realized this," he said, shaking his head and grinning. "Alright, but don't encourage Lance too much, I know how young love can be, but there's always a limit."
Shiro was at the door when Keith's brain processed his words, and the door slid smoothly shut right as Keith threw the book he had brought with him at Shiro's smirking face.
[***]
Keith had been planning on apologizing to Lance that very night. The guilt had been eating him alive, and he knew that he would not be able to sleep tonight if he didn't do it. So, he left his safe haven after a couple more hours—probably skipping dinner, but he found that he didn't care—and set off in the direction of his room with the intention of stopping for a quick shower before heading next door to Lance's.
But Lance must have been thinking along the same lines of seeing Keith because when Keith's room came into view, so did the shape of a familiar lanky Blue Paladin slouched against his door.
Keith froze, one foot hovering uncertainly mid-step in front of him. Lance's limbs were sprawled, one arm across his stomach and the other lying on the floor. His neck rested uncomfortably against Keith's door; his lashes fluttered unconsciously, and his heavy breathing was steady.
Had he fallen asleep waiting for Keith? His heart warmed at the thought.
Quietly, Keith stepped forward and bent down in front of Lance. Still no movement from the Blue Paladin. He pursed his lips and tried to figure out his options: either leave Lance here (which would do absolutely no good if he was going to be apologizing to Lance) or bring the other boy to his room.
Well. That wasn't such a hard choice to make.
Keith gently wrapped an arm around Lance's waist and hauled him to his feet, using his own shoulder as support for the other paladin's lolling head. However, his plan to keep Lance asleep failed within the first step.
"Keith?"
He turned. Lance's eyes were half-open, dark blues on Keith with tired bewilderment as he attempted to figure out where he was and what was going on. He pushed against Keith softly.
"Wait."
"You fell asleep," said Keith, but he had hardly taken another step when Lance grumbled and shoved at him again.
"I said wait! I wanna apologize."
What?
Keith said exactly that.
Lance huffed, pulling himself from Keith's grip, leaving the space beside him cold as he moved away. "I want to apologize," he repeated more clearly. "Shiro...Shiro told me what's up, and I should have made sure you were okay with me talking about Christmas and all. I didn't mean to make you upset or uncomfortable." He scratched the back of his neck, looking more and more awake with every word he spoke. "If it really does bother you so much, I can take down the Christmas tree."
Keith didnt know what Shiro told Lance, but if Lance thought taking down the Christmas tree was the solution then it must have been a serious conversation. He had to change that quickly, dammit Shiro, he told him that the tree was fine!
"No no, keep the tree!"
It only took Lance's confused expression to consider that maybe he should have worded it more eloquently.
"I mean, I seriously don't have a problem with the tree, Lance. And I know how much all this means to you. Keep it."
"Well yeah," said Lance, "but if it's messing with you, dude, then I'll gladly take it down. You're more important than a tree, Keith."
Maybe it was those couple of words that broke Keith's barriers. Or maybe it was Lance's earnest face so close to his own, close enough to count the freckles on his nose and the lighter blue flecks in his eyes. Or maybe it was the feeling of warmth and comfort and safety that being around Lance at this moment made Keith feel. Either way, Keith completely broke; every emotion he had been holding back since Lance had first mentioned getting a Christmas tree poured out like a tsunami.
A pair of warm hands gripped his shoulders as his knees suddenly buckled underneath him. Soft breath in his ear as a worried voice spoke so fast Keith's head spun.
"....haven't eaten at all today, you idiot. All you had was that hot chocolate Hunk made, come on we're going to the kitchen and getting some food into you, I don't care how you do it but you're eating, goddammit, you moron, oh gods was this because of me? I'm really sorry, dude, I'm so sorry—"
"Every year after Thanksgiving, my dad and I would drive two hours to the only greenhouse in town and get a Christmas tree," Keith croaked out.
It was silent. The only sounds Keith could hear were Lance's soft breaths and his own pounding heart. Even the castle-ship seemed to be holding its breath.
Then, in a hushed voice, Lance whispered, "what?"
The words came tumbling out before Keith could grab ahold of them. "Every year, we would decorate the tree with the most outlandish ornaments and Christmas lights. And every year, without fail, we would place the same old star at the top; it wasn't anything special but my dad loved it. He said it reminded him of...of my mom." His voice broke but he cleared his throat and continued on, "Christmas was my favorite time of the year then. We would watch corny Christmas movies and bake cookies and we would go all-out just for that one day. I remembered thinking that nothing would ever make me hate Christmas, but then...then after..."
He trailed off, the words leaving him. It was quiet again. Almost anticipatory this time. Keith didn't look at Lance; he didn't want to see what sort of face the other boy was pulling. Especially if it was pity.
"Come on," Lance whispered again, his voice quivering the slightest. He grasped Keith's hand gently, one finger rubbing over his knuckles, as he led Keith down the corridor. "Let's go to the kitchen. Once you eat something, you'll feel a whole lot better, trust me."
"No, I need to say this. I want to say this," said Keith with a firmness that he didn't know he possessed. All he knew was that he had to let Lance know that none of this was Lance's fault.
"Okay," said Lance after a moment. They stopped in the middle of the hallway, Lance's hand still lightly gripping Keith's. Somehow that one touch anchored Keith to reality, grounded him enough to speak the next words.
"I never had good foster families," said Keith softly, "the ones who took me in...they never made me feel like I was truly a part of their family. The rest of the time, I was in foster care, and that wasn't fun times, for sure. Now...whenever I think about Christmas trees and stars, I—I remember those times instead. The moments when everyone would huddle away from me, and the times when..." when no one cared.
It was during those times that he missed his dad more than ever. When the memories would threaten to overtake his entire being. When he felt like throwing a tantrum like a child because why him?
"So yeah," he finished awkwardly, suddenly aware of how he was basically pouring his heart out to Lance in the middle of the night. "Sorry, I thought you should know. I really didn't mean what I said, I like hearing you talk about your family, and—"
He stiffened in surprise when Lance wrapped him into a crushing hug. A burst of warmth expanded in his chest, and Keith held his breath as though worried that one movement might break this precious moment. Lance's exhales puffed on his neck and Keith could feel the nose of the Blue Paladin buried in his shoulder. After several seconds of them remaining in the same position, Keith hesitantly lifted his hands and rested them on Lance's back, between his shoulder blades. Lance gave a satisfied-sounding sigh and squeezed Keith tighter. He didn't know how long they stood like this, verbally quiet but so many unsaid emotions swirling around them, when Lance spoke, voice muffled from where his face was still pressed against Keith's shoulder.
"When we go back to Earth, I'm taking you to meet my family. You're going to celebrate Christmas properly again."
Keith's breath caught and his eyes stung. He gripped the back of Lance's jacket tighter in an effort to hold the sudden tears back at bay. He couldn't speak, he felt that even the utterance of one word would break the precarious dam of emotions he had built over the years; but he nodded, his chin resting on Lance's shoulder.
When Lance pulled back, his eyes were shining again, and he looked Keith over in a way that should be scrutinizing but Keith felt warm all over wherever Lance's eyes brushed past. "Come on," said Lance, taking Keith's hand again and leading him to the kitchen. Keith watched with a sort of detached numbness as Lance bustled around, gathering a bowl of food goo along with another mug of that hot chocolate substance Hunk had made hours ago, though it felt like days. Lance led the way out of the kitchen, and Keith followed confusedly. A small voice, thankfully one that didn't sound like Hunk anymore, murmured that he would follow Lance anywhere; Keith mentally batted it away. He already had an over pile of emotions on his case tonight, he didn't need to add more.
"Keith?"
Keith blinked. While he had engaged in a mental tussle with his inner voice, he hadn't realized where they were going until the sight of the familiar lights on a familiar set of pink-leaved branches. They were in the lounge room. Lance was sitting on the floor in front of the tree, he patted the spot next to him and Keith sat down uncertainly. He had no idea what was going on; after everything that had been said, he had expected Lance to avoid bringing him here, but he should have known Lance would have something up his sleeve.
"You can't make new memories if you don't try," said Lance simply. He handed the bowl of food goo and mug to Keith as he spoke. "We're gonna make good Christmas memories. Starting from now."
"Oh really?" amusement crept over Keith's voice now. He spooned goo in his mouth and tilted his head at Lance. "What sort of good memory are we making tonight? I don't exactly think sitting in front of a tree eating food goo after I had just bared my heart is considered a good memory."
Lance pouted, the ends of his jacket flapping a bit as he gestured. "We very manly just ousted emotions, thank you very much. And you're in the company of one of the most awesome paladins of Voltron! Who just served you food! Isn't that enough of a good memory?"
Yes.
Keith snorted, bending over his bowl and hoping he wasn't smiling like a dope. "Hm...not really. And more like awesomely annoying."
Lance squawked in outrage, swatting at Keith's arm and nearly knocking the bowl of food goo over. But even then, they couldn't hold back the laughter and as Keith fumbled for the bowl, he caught a glimpse of the shine in the other boy's eyes emphasized by the Christmas lights Pidge, Hunk, and Lance had draped over the tree the day before. From this perspective, he looked ethereal, and the thought came that Keith could stare at him all night. Bright grin, blinding laugh, playfully blazing eyes, along with the lights casting his features into a more reddish light.
He looks gorgeous, thought Keith with a start of wonder. How had he not noticed it before?
He quickly shoved a heaping spoonful of goo in his mouth in a futile effort to distract himself from this sudden revelation.
"Hey."
Keith blinked at the slender hand touching his wrist. He looked up to see Lance scratching the back of his neck again as he aimed a sheepish look at the tree; his cheeks looked a faint red, or was that just the lights messing with Keith's eyes? He hoped it wasn't.
"Would you be cool with going to the space mall with me tomorrow? It's for the tree."
Keith blinked again, taken aback by so many things in that one sentence, but what came out was: "why? I thought we already have everything we need for it."
"Well...yeah...actually no." Lance took a deep breath and turned back to face Keith, there was a small smile on his face even as he looked at Keith seriously. "I realized I had forgotten something pretty important."
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
"A star," Lance said, still staring at Keith with that strangely intense look that made Keith feel like he was suffocating. "I forgot the star. So would you come with me and help me pick the best one tomorrow?"
The suffocating feeling enveloped him, but this time like a hug—similar to the one Lance had given him barely an hour ago—and Keith was left starstruck. After all that he did to Lance, all the words he had thrown at the other boy like knives, what Lance wanted was to include Keith; to make him feel the happiness he hadn't felt since that horrible day the officer had told him about his father. And he didn't want to do it grandly, which was surprising for someone like the Blue Paladin, but rather in sweeter gestures. Like picking out a star to turn the darkness in Keith's memories around.
"Yeah," he breathed, flipping his hand palm up and holding Lance's hand, gently and tenderly as though it were a memory that would fly away with the breeze. He said it again, trying to convey the emotions he was feeling in that one word, because he just couldn't believe this was happening, "yeah."
Lance smiled then, wide and bright and radiant, more stunning than any star Keith had seen. Before he could think, Lance was in his space, and there was a softness on Keith's cheek as Lance's lips touched them for hardly a second but it felt like a century. Then he pulled away, and Keith couldn't help looking down at the soft lips that had just kissed his cheek. They were parted slightly and did not look chapped in the slightest, unlike his own, and gods Keith wanted to kiss them so badly.
Yeah, he might be going into shock. But could you blame him?
As Keith gaped stupidly at him, Lance winked, a simple gesture if not for the softness in his eyes.
"It's a date."
[***]
The next day, when they came back from their trip to the space mall, the other paladins exchanged knowing glances not just at the sight of the purple-gold star, but also at their interlocked hands and content smiles.