Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Wille was over at the Erikkson house again, like he always was on the weekends. He has been best friends with Simon for most of his life. They had met in kindergarten and quickly became friends, Wilhelm was pulled in by the other boy’s self confidence and charisma. Wilhelm’s mother wasn’t exactly thrilled when he brought the little latino boy over one day after school, as it was obvious that Simon wasn’t from a rich family, like them, with his hand-me-down clothes and worn out sneakers. After that interaction with his mother, they had their after school play dates at the Eriksson’s residence. Simon’s mother welcomed Wille into their family with open arms, he quickly became an honorable Eriksson.

Wilhelm and Simon were thirteen now, they were sitting on the floor in the living room with Linda and Sara watching a movie. Wille had his head resting on Simon’s shoulder, their legs pressing against each other. It was a normal sight for them, especially for the honorable Eriksson who thrived on touches. Hugs and shoulder squeezes from Sara and Simon, hand holding and cheek kisses from Linda were an occurrence during every visit. 

“Hey,” Simon whispered into his friend’s hair, nudging his sleeping form. The boy just groaned and curled in closer to Simon who just laughed. “Wille! It’s time for bed, let’s go to my room.” Simon started to get up only to be held down when Wille threw his arms around his best friend like the koala he is.

The following day, the boys helped Linda make breakfast before spending the day out at the football field with their friends Rosh and Ayub. They played for hours, only taking a break to have lunch. It was just about dinner time when they all collapse in the middle of the field, covered in grass stains and dirt. It’s one of the last weekends before they replace the grass with astroturf.

“Why are they getting rid of the grass?” Wille asked, dragging his fingers through the green blades. He loved how it felt, how the grass leaves played between his fingers. There were little bugs scuttling about in the dirt. Wilhelm picked up a beetle and let it crawl over his hand.

“Apparently, they’re tired of maintaining the field. And parents complain about grass stains,” Rosh rolled her eyes. She obviously wore her grass stains with pride, a fresh stain running up the side of her leg to her hip from doing a slide to get the football away from Simon.

“But real grass is so much better than fake grass,” Wille continued as he pulled at the plant and threw it at Simon, who squealed and then tackled him in retaliation. Rosh, being Rosh, joined, followed by Ayub. They rolled around and yelled at each other until they wore themselves out. Simon had ended up on top of Wille, they’re faces close, his warm breath fanning over Wille’s, a huge smile on his face. His thirteen year old self suddenly tensed at the closeness. He wasn’t sure what this feeling was, but it was definitely different from anything he had felt before.

“Am I squishing you?” Simon laughed and rolled off, not having noticed the change. Wille also rolled away, sitting up and taking a deep breath, trying to calm himself. His anxiety was flaring and he didn't understand why. Simon and him wrestled all the time, they slept in the same bed on the weekends, this shouldn't be any different. “You okay?” A hand rested on his shoulder, he turned to see Simon looking at him with a curious expression. He nodded. He was fine. Totally fine. Maybe he just hit his head, maybe Simon really had squished the air out of him. The feeling was immediately pushed to the back of his brain on their walk home.

Rosh and Ayub left to go to their respective homes and the two boys made their way back to the house. Linda greeted them as they filed into the kitchen, taking their spots at the table for dinner. A door opened down the hall and Sara came into view taking her seat.

"Did you have fun, cariños?" Linda asked the boys as they served themselves some spaghetti.

"Yeah," they both chimed with big smiles on their faces. Sara rolled her eyes fondly at them. They chatted about their games and how Wille was sad they were putting in plastic grass.

There was a knock at the door, Wille's smile immediately fell. His mother was here to take him home. Not that his home felt like a real home. His parents were distant, they never really took an interest in Wilhelm's life, they didn't know he liked playing football with his friends or watching movies snuggled up on the couch. Always favoring their older son, Erik. Erik, the perfect son. Perfect grades, never got in trouble (that they knew about), but thankfully, he was always there for his younger brother. Even when his friends made fun of him for loving his younger sibling. At least Erik made going home worth it.

A hand covered his hand that was sitting on the table, he looked up at Simon. "I'll see you at school tomorrow," he said reassuringly.

"Wilhelm, come now. It's time to go," his mother was stern. He always hated the look of contempt on her face when she came to pick him up. She didn't understand why he liked it here and she never would.

He doesn't want to go. His hesitation will cause him more grief, but he can't help it. Linda hands him his bag before pulling him into a hug. "Te amo, cariño."

"Te amo," he whispers back before following his mother out the door. Linda has always been more of a mother to him than the woman walking in front of him.

"I still don't understand why you like it there, Wilhelm," his mother chides once he's belted into the backseat. "Why don't you like to spend time with your other friends?" He knows she means the rich kids. She looks at him through the rearview mirror before looking back at the road. It's not like Wille has many other friends, not like Simon. The people his mother calls his friends just hang around him because he's from a rich family, nothing more.

He just shrugs even though he knows she isn't looking anymore. Wille doesn't want to tell her it's because he feels loved there, or that they give him hugs, or that they laugh and joke with each other. That they don't worry about proper etiquette or what the neighbors will think. The Eriksson's take care of their own first. They don't need society's validation. There's no image to uphold.

The week drags on. School is boring, except for his classes and lunch with Simon. He's not allowed to spend time after school with his best friend because he wasn't ready to go when his mother picked him up on Sunday. Next time he won't hesitate. He misses his afternoons with the curly haired boy. Instead, they're filled with chores and homework. Wille is so excited when he wakes up on Saturday morning, he gets to his best friend's house. Or so he thought.

“Wilhelm, put on a nice suit. Your grandparents will be here soon,” his mother hollered through his door. Oh, yeah… Wille buried his face in his pillow letting out a frustrated groan. He had totally forgotten about the visit from his grandparents who always treat him like their personal servant. It was so degrading. And the way his grandmother pinched his cheek before giving it a little slap, he loathed it. She never did that to Erik.

Wille grabbed his phone from under his pillow to send a message to his best friend.

Wille: I forgot my grandparents were visiting this weekend. 😤

Simme: Mama reminded me last night that you wouldn't be here this weekend. She always remembers these things.

Simme: Sorry, Wille. I know you don't like them. 😟

Simme: Text me later. 

Oh, he would. As soon as he was free. But first he would have his cheeks pinched until red and refill his grandparents drinks all day.

---

The following weekend he was allowed back at the Eriksson's. It was full of video games, movies and eating delicious food. When they went up to Simon's room when it was time for bed, there was a twin sized air mattress on the floor.

"What's that for?" Wille questioned, gesturing to the extra bed. He looked at Simon who suddenly seemed uncomfortable, his hand went up to rub at his neck. Wilhelm frowned, a crease making its way between his brows.

"Uhm, it's for you," Simon spoke to the ground. "Mama and I both think we're getting too old to share a bed."

"Oh." Wilhelm felt small and vulnerable. "Right, of course." He slipped into the sleeping bag, turning towards the wall. "G'night," he said as Simon turned off the light.

"Buenos noches, Wille."

Suffice it to say, Wille didn't sleep well. Saturday nights were the nights when he actually slept well because Simon was a comfort. That comfort was suddenly taken away from him and it made him restless, anxious. He got up before Simon, like normal, but he didn't go downstairs like usual and help with breakfast. He just laid there, the sleeping bag pulled over his head, feeling lonely. Loneliness was an unknown feeling in the Eriksson house and he wasn't sure how to act.

Wallowing in his self-pity allowed Simon to sneak over and pounce on him, he squealed as Simon tickled his sides. Loneliness was forgotten after he heard the boy's laughter, his own following with cries to stop. Finally, they calmed, Simon's head on Wille's chest, both trying to get air back in their lungs. Wilhelm was reminded of that feeling on the football field as he took in his friends profile, the smile on his face and then when he turned to look at him. Those dark brown eyes sparkling from the light from the window. His stomach swooped and he didn't know what that meant.

"I'm starving! Let's go get food!" He jumped up and ran out leaving Wille tangled up in the sleeping bag and his thoughts.

Chapter Text

They were fifteen now. Simon was sitting on the end of his bed, Wille in Simon's desk chair, both with a game controller in hand and headsets over their ears. Rosh and Ayub yelling through the speakers. Simon and Wilhelm hollering back.

Wilhelm threw down his controller into his lap when he died for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "Fuck," he muttered. Three sets of laughter echoed in his ears. "I'm done today." He was fed up, he set his headset on the chair with his controller and laid on the air mattress. 

Simon turned to him, he saw the game was paused. "Want me to stop?" He told him he was fine. But Simme only went back to playing after Wille chucked a pillow at him. "Okay, okay!"

After scrolling mindlessly through Instagram for a while, he got up and went downstairs to see if he could help Linda with anything. She put him to work doing dishes. He didn't mind, he enjoyed helping her. It was often that Wilhelm helped Simon with chores when he stayed over. They always turned things into a game or a race. And the reward of ice cream after also helped.

A little while later, Simon stomped down the stairs, apparently he lost. Wille was sitting on the couch next to Linda, head on her shoulder, she was watching one of her shows while he played a mindless game on his phone. "Hey," Simon said as he plopped down next to Wille. He tucked his cold feel under Simon's thigh who made a surprised sound before scooting away to protect himself from his best friend's chronically cold appendages. Wille laughed at him, Simme just smiled and shook his head at him before asking if they could watch a movie before dinner.

Wille loved when Simon smiled. It made him happy, made him want to smile. When other people smiled at him, he didn't feel that way. He only assumed it was because he had known Simme for ten years and they were nearly inseparable. They were best friends. It only made sense that when Simon was happy, Wille was happy.

—

Since they had gotten a little older, Wilhelm wasn't allowed to stay over every weekend like he used to. His mother wanted him home so he could focus on being a respectable member of the family. He hated it. Wille had never liked being rich, he enjoyed being able to buy things without thinking of course, but he much preferred the coziness of being with his chosen family.

So, the next weekend Wille was allowed over to the Eriksson's, things felt off, different and he didn’t know why. Simon was a bundle of nerves and it made his anxiety spike. He wanted to rub his hand over his chest to help ease the tension, instead he bit at his thumbnail as they gathered around the table.

Simon took a deep breath before speaking. Linda, Sara, Rosh, Ayub, and Wille all waited. "I'm gay," Simon spit out. Linda reached over and grabbed his hand.

"Thank you for telling us, mi amor."

Rosh and Ayub joked that they knew it, Sara just gave him a hug. Wilhelm, well, he wasn't sure how to react, he had never been around anyone in the LGBT community before. His mother wasn’t exactly accepting of different sexualities. And when Simon looked at him with terrified eyes that Wille would reject him, it felt like he couldn't breathe. He did his best to hide his panic.

He smiled at Simme and hoped it wasn't a grimace. "Got any crushes?" he teased. That got a laugh from everyone. Simon laughed into his hands and then groaned.

Wille was laying on the air mattress in Simon's room waiting to use the bathroom to brush his teeth. After he was all done and situated for bed, Simon poked his head over the side of the bed and asked, "Wille?" He hummed in response. "Are you okay with still being my best friend even though I'm gay?"

That was a startling question. "Cause you seemed weird about it earlier. And I don't think I could handle it if we weren't best friends anymore."

Wilhelm propped himself up on his elbow to look at Simon, who looked like he had earlier, when he might get rejected. "You'll always be my best friend, Simme. I don't care that you're gay." The other boy's shoulders relaxed a bit.

"It's not awkward?"

"No. I mean it might be sometimes. I've never known a gay person before." He paused. "You know what I mean, right?"

"Yeah," Simon replied. "Thank you," he whispered after a few moments, staring at the ceiling.

"For what?" Wille laid back down, matching Simon.

"Being my friend," he said quietly. Almost as if it were a secret.

"I'll always be your friend, Simme."

Simon turned off the light. "Night, Wille."

"Goodnight, Simon."

---

Nothing changed between them. Simon and Wille were still Simon and Wille. Tied together at the hip. Though Wilhelm was a bit annoying when he kept asking what guys Simme thought were cute. He claimed he just wanted to be his wingman. "That's what best friends are for, right?" he said matter-of-factly when Simon told him to stop. That just earned him a shove and an eye roll. Wille just laughed as he tried to catch his balance. The boy was notorious for his clumsiness.

Simon reached out to catch him, gripping his arm to keep Wille's face from meeting the ground. He pulled him back and once again Wilhelm stumbled, ever so gracefully, into Simon. His hands fell to Simon's waist as he caught himself. The warmth he felt below his shirt made his heart beat faster. His nostrils filled with the scent that was undoubtedly Simon, it made him a little dizzy. Finally, he got his feet under him and then pulled his hands back to himself when he realized they lingered a few seconds too long on his best friend's waist.

They both cleared their throats and continued their walk, Linda had sent them to the store to pick up a few things. Both feeling a bit awkward after that debacle, Wille pulled out a pack of gum, silently offering a stick to Simon, who accepted, before taking one of his own.

After dividing and conquering at the store, they met back up at the check stand, awkwardness forgotten. They made fun of some of the magazine article titles while they waited their turn. It was tradition for them to try and find the weirdest or most cringe worthy article. Today's find was "One armed man applauds the kindness of strangers." They both made a face.

The walk home was normal. Wille only tripped over his own feet once. They both helped put the groceries away before hanging out with Sara in the living room while Linda made dinner. They chatted about random things. Sara talked about horses and how she liked her part-time job at the local stables. Wille brought up a stupid fancy dinner he had to attend the following weekend. Simon finally admitted who his celebrity crush was, Timothée Chalamet, obviously.

Dinner was delicious as usual. The conversation light. Wille got the text that his mother was there to pick him up. This was a new thing. She no longer could be bothered with coming to the door and saying hello while Wille got his things.

"I gotta go," he sighed as he went to put his dish in the sink, before running upstairs to grab his bag. "Te amo," he hollered as he made his way out the front door. Wilhelm has started forgoing goodbye hugs from Linda over the last year when saying goodbye. They just made him hate his mother more since she never gave him any physical affection aside from condescending cheek pats. He was sure Linda noticed, but she never said anything.

After a long couple of weeks suffering through stuffy rich people events and school, he was finally back in front of his second home. Using his key, he unlocked the door, once inside, he toed off his shoes in the foyer and hung up his coat.

"Buenas tardes, mi amor," Linda called from the living room. He skipped over to her, leaning over and embracing her. "They're in Simme's room."

He assumed she meant Rosh and Ayub, he wasn't expecting to see one of their classmates sitting next to Simon, their legs pressed together. They were giggling, Simon's face was pressed into the other boy's shoulder. He stood frozen in the doorway, staring at Walter and Simon. His heart twisted, it was an ugly feeling. Wilhelm didn't like that Walter, of all people, was sitting squished next to his best friend.

Wilhelm cleared his throat, loudly. The boy's on the bed startled, but didn't pull away from each other. "Hey, Wille," Simon cheered.

"Hi, Wilhelm," Walter said tentatively, with an awkward wave.

"Hi," he shifted on his feet, still in the doorway, unsure of what was going on.

"I'll be right back," Walter scuttled off the bed and slid past him. Wille watched his form as he walked away before turning back to Simon who had his hands covering his face.

"What?" Wille pointed his thumb over his shoulder as he finally came into the room and sat on the desk chair, his brow furrowed. Simon looked up at him through his fingers.

He mumbled, "We are, uh, well…" He groaned. Wille was really confused and he didn't like the green monster that was raging in his mind, not that he knew what it meant. "Walter asked me out and I said yes," Simon blurted out really fast in a single breath. Wilhelm felt his eyes widen.

Oh.

"When?" He had noticed that they were talking a lot more at school, Walter had sat with them at lunch for the last week. Having not thought anything of it at the time, now it made perfect sense.

"A week and a half ago," Simon replied sheepishly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" That hurt. It really hurt. His throat felt tight, he blinked back the burning in his eyes. They told each other everything. Or at least that's what he thought. Simon opened his mouth to reply the same moment Walter came back in, so he closed it. After Simon sent him an apologetic glance, he got up. "I'm gonna go help with dinner," he said to no one in particular as he made his way out of the room and downstairs.

Linda was surprised to hear that Simon didn't tell him about Walter, she eased some of the hurt with a tight, motherly hug which he gladly reciprocated.

The rest of the weekend was filled with activities that didn't require talking, movies, video games. Wille was thankful. The gnawing in his stomach made him uneasy and a little nauseous. He still couldn't quite place why seeing Simon with Walter, so close together, made him feel this way.

Chapter Text

Wilhelm and Simon were standing in the hall at school, looking at the poster for a dance that was coming up. Neither of them really cared much for extra curricular activities, but maybe a dance could be fun. They were sixteen now, it was kind of expected of them to do the "cool kid" stuff.

"Are you gonna ask Felice?" Simon nudged their shoulders together. He had thought about it, but they were just friends. They had tried the dating thing and when both of them realized they were better as friends they broke it off.

"We're just friends, Simme," he exclaimed. He wasn't sure why Simon didn't get it.

"I just don't know why you two broke up. You were so cute together, but what do I know," he shrugged. Wille just rolled his eyes. "You could date anyone here, I just don't get why you don't have a girlfriend," he commented as they walked towards the buses.

" Anyone ? Really?" He scoffed. "I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now. You know this," he rolled his eyes again. They had this conversation too often and he was tired of it. 

It was true, though. He had absolutely no interest in anyone. No interest in going on dates or holding hands between classes, kissing in the halls before getting caught or buying anniversary presents. Wilhelm was perfectly content in his current situation.

Perfectly. Content.

At least that’s what he told himself. Wilhelm would have dreams of holding a certain someone's hand, beautiful golden, tan skin contrasting against his pale complexion. Or running his own hand through dark curls, or what those lips felt like against his own. He tried not to think too hard about it. But he'd be lying if he said he didn't wish for those dreams to be true. More frequently than he would like to admit, when jacking off, a certain curly haired boy would pop into his mind. In the beginning, he tried his best to not think of his best friend when he touched himself, but once he figured out he had a stronger orgasm when he thought about the beautiful boy, he couldn’t help himself. The whole idea that the thought of his best friend made him come harder than usual made him feel dirty and a little guilty, but it felt good, even though the high was temporary. Since he stumbled upon this realization, he started questioning his own sexuality. He had thought he liked girls, and he did, maybe, but maybe that was just because of the social construct that they were shoved into. Wilhelm knew his parents probably wouldn’t accept him if he were anything but straight and that scared him.

It was even terrifying thinking of telling Erik. Though, he hoped his brother would be supportive. His brother had a few LGBTQ friends after all. Maybe he could have an extremely embarrassing chat with his older brother. Luckily, he would be home this weekend.

Erik was sitting at his desk in his room when Wille found him, he had a three day weekend and decided to come home from university to do laundry and see his little brother. Wille knocked on the doorframe. His brother spun around, a smile growing on his face as soon as he saw Wille. The smile spreading across his own face couldn’t be helped either.

“Little brother!” Erik exclaimed as he pulled him into a hug. Wille melted into his brother’s embrace, his arms winding around and squeezing Erik. “I missed you, too,” he said, pressing a kiss to Wille’s hair. They sat on Erik’s bed, leaning back against the wall. “So, talk to me. What has life been like, huh?”

Wille felt any amount of confidence fade away. He wanted to talk to his brother about the possibility that he wasn’t straight, that he’s very, very likely queer at the very least. But it was an insanely scary topic. One he wasn’t even entirely comfortable with thinking about in his own head. His thumb was in his teeth, chewing on what very little bit of nail there was left.

“Hey,” Erik’s voice was soft and comforting now. “What’s wrong, Wille? You can talk to me about anything.” His little brother glanced at the open door, Erik hopped up and gently shut it even though their parents weren’t home yet. After Erik resituated himself next to Wilhelm again he put a supportive hand on his younger brother’s knee. “I’m here. Talk whenever you feel comfortable.” After a few minutes of silence, Erik reached over to his desk and grabbed a pack of gum and gave Wille a piece in hopes to save part of his thumb. “Here.” Wille gave him a half smile of thanks before popping it in his mouth.

He took a deep breath. “How, uhm,” he licked his lips, “How would you feel if I…” This was way harder than Wille thought it would be. A groan of frustration left him as he turned his head away from his brother.

“It’s okay, Wille. Take your time.”

Wille took a deep breath, held it and let it out slowly. The shakiness of it didn’t go unnoticed as Erik squeezed his knee in encouragement. “Hypothetically, how would you feel if,” another breath, “if I wasn’t straight?” The question became quieter as it went on, but he was sure Erik caught it. He still wasn’t looking at his brother. He couldn’t. Just in case he didn’t know his brother at all. In case he was looked at with disgust, that he was wrong for thinking such a thing.

“Well, hypothetically, I would be happy that my little brother felt safe enough to tell me and that I’m proud of him for telling me. I would also tell him that I love him no matter what and that he’s still my little brother. And that love is love, Wille.” Those words made Wille sneak at glance at Erik. He looked sincere. “So, are you?” There was another squeeze on his knee.

His mouth opened and closed a couple times, he brought his thumb back to his mouth. “I don’t know,” he managed to squeak out.

Erik chuckled. “It’s okay to not be certain. I’m not sure I’m entirely straight to be honest.” This got Wille’s attention, his head snapped towards his brother which elicited a hearty laugh. “I was at a party last year, drunk off my ass and this really pretty boy started talking to me and, well, we ended up making out. It was nice. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or not, but,” he shrugged. “I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t regret it.”

“You don’t?”

“Nah. No reason to, it was fun.”

His courage was coming back now after Erik revealed his little secret. “Honestly, I’ve never really been interested in dating,” he looked down at his hands in his lap. “Until he popped into my mind one night. And now I can’t get him out of my head.” He bit his lip and looked up at Erik. “I’m scared.”

“Come here.” Erik pulled him into his side and held him close. “Thank you for telling me, Wille. I’m sure this is really scary for you, but I will be here for you, okay? If you need anything, anything at all, call me or text me, yeah?” Wille nodded against his chest.

—

Wille hung out in Erik’s room the rest of the night, they chatted, or listened to music while Erik did some homework. It was a good Friday night, at least until their parents came home and whisked Erik away to talk about graduate school or something. Wilhelm took himself to his own room, collapsing on his bed, feeling wiped out. His phone made a sound, he picked it up and was greeted with a text from his brother.

Erik: Let’s get dinner with Simon tomorrow! I haven’t seen him in ages! Invite Linda and Sara too if you want. My treat!

All he could do was blink at the message. Erik would figure it out. Shit. Shitshitshitshit! 

Wille: Sure, I’ll text Simme.

He ran his hand through his hair multiple times. Never once in his life had he been nervous to talk to Simon. Not once had he turned down a time to see his best friend. But at this moment, he kind of wanted to lie and tell Erik they were busy or Simon was sick. He paced his room, his hand rubbing over his chest trying in despair to ease the tension growing there. The phone in his hand buzzed, he unlocked it, it was Simon. He let out a breath.

Simon: Is Erik home? Tell him hi for me!

He bit his lip as his thumbs hovered over the keyboard, then quickly typed out Erik’s request. Simon responded almost instantly with a huge “YES!” followed by a “wait, gotta ask mom.” A few minutes later, Simon confirmed that they were all in and that he hoped they would pick them up in Erik’s fancy car. 

Wille: I’m sure Erik will be more than happy to drive the Tesla.

All of Saturday, Wille tried really hard to not be a ball of anxious energy. He mostly succeeded. If Erik noticed it, he left Wille alone about it. Hopefully, he just thought it was about their conversation yesterday. The drive to the Eriksson’s was filled with loud music as the two brothers sang together. Neither of them could hold a tune, but they didn’t care. Once they arrived and parked the car, they both were swarmed with hugs and greetings. Wille caught Simon’s eyes, his smile was dazzling, it made his stomach do a little swoop and his heart beat a little faster, not to mention the slight flushing of his cheeks. He was thankful that the foyer in this house wasn’t well lit as he shuffled his feet and looked down.

Wille didn’t notice Erik’s eyes on him, darting between the two boys.

Chapter Text

Simon, Sara and Wille were squished into the back of Erik’s Tesla, Linda sat comfortably in the passenger seat as Erik drove them to their favorite pizza joint. When they arrived, Erik ordered a couple pizza’s for the table and paid before Linda could even get her wallet out. She glared at him and said she was leaving the tip. He allowed it.

“This was my treat, Linda,” he insisted, a gentle hand on her shoulder. Wille loved how nice his brother was with the Eriksson’s.

“Well, thank you, Erik, we appreciate it. Right, mijos?” Simon and Sara both said their thanks before the conversations started flowing. Linda asked Erik how university was going. Sara talked about the horses at the stables. Erik talked about how he used to ride and told the story of how he fell off a mare and bruised his tailbone (not to mention his ego), “I couldn’t sit comfortably for months!” The pizza arrived, and the conversations lulled while everyone stuffed their faces.

Wille nudged Simon who was texting someone under the table, “Who you texting?” he queried. Simon locked his phone and stuffed it in his hoodie pocket, his cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink.

“No one,” he said guiltily. Wille just raised an eyebrow at him. Simon huffed, then answered, “It was Lukas. He asked me to the dance yesterday.”

“Oh,” Wille said before shoving more pizza in his face, eyes looking down at his plate. Yesterday . Yesterday, when there had been ample time to talk about Simon getting asked to the dance. Wilhelm sighed.

“Who are you going with, Wille?” Erik asked.

He couldn't meet anyone's gaze. “No one,” he muttered, a frown etched into his brow. He took another bite, taking his time chewing.

Sara chimed in, “Felice, Madison and I are going together.” 

“Oh, mama, Lukas wanted to get dinner before the dance, is that okay?”

“Of course,” she smiled.

“Excuse me,” Wille murmured to no one in particular as he got up and made his way to the restroom. He locked himself in a stall, his breathing a little erratic. The family he chose is out there, the people he loves are out there, and here he is in a restaurant restroom having a mild panic attack because his best friend has a date to the dance. And it's not him. Wille is jealous and upset because he thinks he might be in love with his best friend. And that’s fucking terrifying. He hates that Simon doesn’t talk to him about his relationships. Simon didn’t tell him that he broke up with Walter until Wilhelm asked about the other boy. And now, he only found out about Lukas because Wille caught Simon texting. It felt like the more Wilhelm discovered who he was and who he had feelings for the more the one he had feelings for was slipping away. “Fuck,” he muttered under his quickening breaths. His fingers were digging into his scalp, he sat on the toilet seat unable to stand anymore, his knees feeling weak. The heels of his hands beat against the crown of his head a couple times before grabbing at his hair again.

Apparently he had been in the stall longer than he thought when Erik quietly called to him, “Wille? Are you okay?”

“No,” he swallowed.

“Can you come out?” After a few moments, he unlocked the door and fell into his brother’s arms, his brother’s hand smoothing down his hair. “So, Simon, huh?” If this had been a different situation, Erik would have been teasing him, but there wasn’t any playfulness in his voice, no judgement. “I’m sorry, Wille,” he whispered into his little brother’s hair after Wille’s breathing regulated.

—

After dropping the Eriksson’s off at home, Erik and Wille drove silently back to their house. Wille’s forehead was pressed against the cool glass of the window, the street lights passing by intermittently lighting up the sidewalk.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Erik glanced over at him before looking back at the road. He had no energy to talk. Wille had used what energy he had left to make it through the rest of dinner, pretend he didn’t just have a panic attack, pretend that he didn’t realize a couple hours ago that he had fallen for Simon. All he could do was shake his head. He was thankful when Erik didn’t push.

Wille curled up under the covers on his bed feeling lost. It didn’t help that the more he thought about the time he and Simon spent together and the random awkwardness that would come up for split moments in time over the last few years, had meant more than just friendship. He realized that he had been falling in love with Simon for longer than he wanted to admit. But there was a problem, Simon didn’t seem to have any interest in him and what if he did? Then what? What would happen to their friendship if it didn’t work out? Would they date and then break up and that’s it, a friendship of nearly eleven years gone? This was all too much. Too much for Wille’s sixteen year old mind to handle. He grabbed the bottle of melatonin out of his bedside table and took two. Wille just wanted out of his brain for at least eight hours.

The week went by in a haze of melatonin and coffee. He texted often with his brother, not about anything useful, but enough to keep his mind from going in circles about his feelings. Ultimately, he had decided that he just needed to get over them so he didn’t ruin their friendship. It was hard. Everytime Simon laughed or smiled, the butterflies in Wilhelm’s stomach went crazy, beating their wings ferociously against his ribs. He wished he could let them out, let them fly away with his secret feelings, never to be seen again.

Friday came in a whirlwind of excitement from all his friends. Tonight was dance night. Wille had been allowed to join the girls’ soiree so he didn’t have to show up to the dance alone. Thankfully, the beat of the music and the excitement from the girls and the rest of his classmates helped Wille enjoy his time. They danced in a circle together. When Simon showed up with Lukas, Wille didn’t even give it two thoughts. Everyone wiggled their hips to the beat, sometimes they sang along, other times they jumped and pumped the air with their fists.

Wille was sweaty and tired and decided to take a break during the first slow song when the group kind of broke up into pairs rather than them all swaying together. He grabbed a water bottle and downed it, threw the bottle into the recycling bin before grabbing another and found a chair to rest his knees. His eyes drifted around the room watching everyone enjoy their time. He was one of the only ones not swaying with a partner.

He really was having a good time until his eyes fell upon a couple that was making out in the sea of swaying people. Lukas had his tongue down Simon’s throat, a hand dangerously low on his back, and there was absolutely no room between their bodies. Wille just stared at them, the floor falling out from under him. His eyes burned, his throat was tight. The music changed and they still stayed connected. Eventually, his little queer heart couldn’t take it anymore and stormed off to go get some fresh air. There were other kids outside taking a breather as well. After sucking some much needed cold air into his lungs, his eyes fell upon some of his classmates that he knew dealt.

The voice in the back of his head kept telling him no , but he was refusing to listen. He meandered over to them, nodded in greeting. This wouldn’t have been the first time he sought them out and he felt a little guilty for going to them. He had promised Erik he wouldn’t do drugs anymore. But his coping mechanisms had never been healthy.

It had only been a few times, at first he just wanted to know what it felt like and he did it in the safety of his bedroom, another time he had been so stressed over finals, he just needed to chill. This time, he wanted an escape. Wille felt like he was at rock bottom emotionally as he slipped a little baggie with a couple pills in it into his jeans pocket.

Once he texted the group chat that he was going home because he didn’t feel good, he took one pill and started walking towards home. Wilhelm wasn’t sure if he was actually going home, but that was a good start. It was a little surprising when he ended up at the football field. The lights had been left on and it was bright like daytime even though the sun had gone down hours ago. Before he knew what he was doing, another pill slid down his throat. He remembered that he hadn’t been to one of Rosh’s games in a while, he should fix that. Wille stumbled as he thought and he fell into the goal net. His fingers twined into the ropes, he pretended he was caught in a giant spider web and that made him giggle. Until he thought about how big the spider that made this web would be and quickly started panicking.

Finally, he managed to untangle himself and remembered he had another pill, he stuck it on his tongue and angled his face towards the sky like he was showing the clouds. Rain drizzled onto his skin, it should have felt cold, but it didn’t. In fact, it kind of tickled his face as he swallowed the last pill. Wille spun around, enjoying the sensation of ticklish rain on his flushed skin. It was fun until he ran into someone. He yelled at the person, but it wasn’t a person, it was just one of those metal stand-ins they used for practice, but Wille was too far gone to figure that out. His hands shot out and pushed it over with a shout, “BAM!” That’s when he saw more of them, he ran and did a jump kick to knock another one down, he spun around to try and hit another, but he ended up tripping over the one he had just kicked over. Wille somehow managed a graceful somersault landing on his back. The gymnastics he just completed had wiped him out.

The way the lights reflected through the falling rain made it feel like Wilhelm was flying through space. He reached up and tried to grab the stars that were flying past him, but he only ever caught rain. After being disappointed, he rolled over and ran his hand over the grass. But it wasn’t grass, it was plastic, but he forgot. Little bits of turf came up on his hand, he licked it. This wasn’t grass.

This wasn’t grass and those people weren’t people. Everything was fake. He sat up on his haunches, he blinked at everything being too bright. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he called someone, needing to tell someone about the metal people. He wasn’t sure who he called, he would find out when they answered. If they answered. It just kept ringing. Then it beeped so he started talking. That had to mean something, right?

“Simon? It’s so bright out, but it’s night, I know that much.” He paused, probably waiting for a reply he wouldn’t get because he was leaving a voicemail. After a moment, he kept talking, “I found it out. Everything is fake. Everything in the world is fake. It’s like, you know,” he looked at the plastic bits on his hand, “the grass on the football field isn’t even grass. It's… it’s plastic! All the people are fake. They’re made out of metal. But I like you. And that is not fake.”

He hung up without waiting for an answer, forgetting that no one had actually answered his phone call anyway. Once again, he found himself on his back wishing the stars didn’t turn to water in his hands. “Fuck,” he muttered as the stars kept falling and everything that was hiding in the back of his mind flung forward unannounced. His feelings for his best friend, the fact that Erik knows. The realization that he called someone and doesn’t even know who it was has him panicking a little. Though, he is pretty confident it was Simon, because of course it was, and the panic is justified.

But then it’s gone as he rolls over and feels the plastic grass under his palms and his cheek. Wille thinks back to a time when the grass was real, when he could pick up the bugs and let their legs tickle his skin as they walked. When he and his friends played football and got grass and dirt stains. And after, they would wrestle. It was a simple thing, but he missed it. Wilhelm missed the simpler times when feelings didn’t feel like they would break you. Like they would rip your heart out if you showed someone. But if you decided to keep those feelings inside, your heart would wither and die anyway. It felt like a lose-lose situation.

Wilhelm hated and loved the fact that what felt the most real at the moment was his love for Simon. And it hurt because he was positive Simon didn’t love him back.

Chapter Text

It's cold. Really, really cold. Wilhelm's eyes creak open. It feels like his eyelids are sandpaper. It's still bright, yet still night. The plastic grass sparkles now with frost, the rain having ceased a while ago. His body aches and the moment he moves his head, pain shoots through his temples. Frozen fingers touch his forehead in an attempt to stifle the throbbing. It doesn't help.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he shuffles off the field and directs himself home. The pills have kind of worn off, but not really. His phone rings and it's so loud. He's afraid it's his mother wondering where the fuck he is. Wilhelm reluctantly pulls out his phone.

It's Simon.

Somehow, that's worse. So much worse as the memory of what he said in that voicemail is still vivid in his mind. But I like you. And that is not fake. As he puts the phone to his ear, he accepts the call. He can't talk. His lungs aren't working anymore.

" Wille?! Are you okay? " Simon seems frantic. " Wille, please say something! "

"I…" that's all he can get out as he sways a little.

" Where are you? " After hesitating, Simon continues, " Are you still on the football field? "

"I… hm," Wille can't breathe.

" Wille, don't move. Stay there! "

Wille turned around to figure out how far he had gotten from the field. Apparently, he was still on it, he had only made it a few steps. He looked out across the massacre of metal people. His phone fell out of his hand as he dropped his arms to his sides.

He's so cold. Honestly, he's not even sure he's a real person anymore. Everything is fake, he must be too, right? The cold penetrated the marrow in his bones. There was a hard impact on his knees that he barely felt. The ground was somehow closer. That was okay. Wilhelm curled up into himself or he thought he did. His body wasn't even his own anymore. All he can feel is a trembling, he assumes it’s from the cold. There’s frost in his hair.

“Wille!” Is someone saying his name? “Wille!?” There are hands on his shoulders, he’s being pulled up, fingers are pulling at his eyelids.

“Simme?” he croaked, suddenly so happy to see his best friend. Wait, no. This was bad. His secret was out. The beautiful boy in front of him knows . Knows that Wilhelm likes Simon. His lungs are too big, he can’t fill them. No. Nononono. He must have been muttering that out loud because Simon is talking to him again with worried eyes.

“Wille, you’re okay. I’m here,” Simon tries to reassure him, or maybe Simon is trying to reassure himself. “What did you take?” His best friend knew he had gotten high before and that it only ever happened when he was feeling really low or stressed. But he had never seen Wille like this before and Wilhelm knows about Simon’s father and his addictions. Fuck.

“I’m sorry,” Wilhelm repeats over and over as he tries to grip at Simon, his hands too numb to properly hold the boy. His best friend calmly shushes him as he pulls Wille against his chest. He’s suddenly aware of the blanket that is around his shoulders, confused as to how it got there. Numb fingers fidgeting with the edge of the fabric, the smell is of home, the Eriksson house. Wille can’t help but pull it to his face and inhale the scent of safety.

“Wille,” Simon sounds worried again. Or maybe he never stopped. How long have they been there? Wilhelm looks up at him then, a frown creased between his brows. The beauty he sees now is startling. The field lights are haloing around Simon's curls, his striped beanie on his head, pushing the curls astray. Simon’s skin looks so soft and smooth, he wants to touch it, so he tries. His hand lifting up to try and touch those gorgeous high cheekbones and sharp jawline.

“You’re so beautiful,” Wille slurs. Simon pulls his head away from his hand. A pang of hurt flows through him before he remembers he’s not supposed to say or do any of these things with Simon. They’re just friends. Simon obviously doesn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t like him like that. He likes Lukas. They were making out song after song at the dance. When Wilhelm remembers that, he himself pulls away. Guilt and jealousy filling his veins. He has to get away now. Pushing out of Simon’s embrace, he stumbles, much less gracefully than when he was completely high. “Fuck.”

“Let’s go home, Wille. We need to get you warm and dried off.” Simon looks off in another direction and waves his arm before turning back to him, kneeling down once again to help him up. “Come on,” he pleads.

Another set of hands are on him, helping him up. “Let’s get you home, mi amor.” Linda. Finally resigned to his fate, he drops his head, half drags his feet as he stumbles between his best friend and the mother he wishes he had. If he wasn’t coming down off his high, he would be utterly embarrassed by this (he’ll definitely feel that embarrassment tomorrow), right now he just felt guilt that he let his stupid, depressive thoughts bring these two lovely people into his mess and have to deal with his high ass.

—

Wille's head is throbbing and he hasn't moved or even opened his eyes yet. He groans and turns his head away from the light. Fingers comb through his hair and he melts at the feeling and he whines when it stops. A small chuckle reaching ears. Oh. His pillow is actually Simon's lap. He sits up too quickly, a rush of dizziness flooding through him, his hand quickly covering his eyes.

"Wille?" There's that same concern and worry that he remembers from the previous night.

He wonders if he can pretend that he doesn't remember last night. That he didn't confess his soul to the boy he shouldn't be in love with. Shit.

"Do you remember what happened last night?"

His thumb is at his mouth as he looks down at the bed and busies himself with straightening the blankets.

"It's okay, Wille." All he can do to reply is shake his head, which just intensifies the ache. Simon is sitting next to him now, leaning forward to try and look at his face. He just turns his face away. Simon sighed and put a hand on his shoulder, "I didn't know, Wille. Why didn't you tell me?" His voice is soft and encouraging, so much so that it makes Wille's eyes brim with tears, his teeth digging into his bottom lip.

Simon's arm slides around Wille's waist and rests his head on his shoulder. He can't help but lean into Simon's warmth even though he shouldn't. "It doesn't matter," Wille whispers, standing up and turning his body away from Simon, his own arms wrapping around himself.

"Why wouldn't it matter?" Wilhelm can hear the hurt in his friend's voice. Or at least that's what he thinks the emotion is. A bit of hope flickering in his chest that maybe, just maybe, Simon likes him back.

He gets a bit of courage from that hope to speak, but when the words finally come, the doubt has crept back in, "How would this not ruin our friendship?" His fingers clench into the fabric of the jumper he's wearing and he realizes it's Simon's. Wilhelm sighs, "I don't even know what I am."

“It’s okay to not know,” Simon reassured him, reiterating what Erik had told him.

"It still doesn't matter. You could never feel the same about me anyway," Wilhelm resigned.

"Fucking hell, Wille," Simon groaned and went to face his best friend, grabbed his face and pressed their lips together. Wille froze. Completely and utterly frozen. Simon pulled away, looking him in the eye, hands still on his cheeks. He pulled Wille down to him to rest their foreheads together. "I like you too, Wille."

"What?" Wilhelm couldn't believe what was happening. Did Simon really say that he liked him? Did he really just get kissed by Simon? Holy shit. He was seriously freaking out.

Simon brushes his bangs out of his face, "I like you. Like a lot. And I never thought you were anything but straight. And, fuck, Wille. I would have much rather made out with you last night," he finished like a shy smile. 

All Wille could do was embrace Simme in a tight hug. He feels amazing right now. It felt like a dream. Shit, was this a dream? Simon tightened his grip around Wilhelm's middle as he buried his face in the other's neck. He really hopes this is real.

"Simme?" he asked into Simon's hair.

"Hm," he answered, his hands stroking against Wille's back.

"What about Lukas?" 

The brunette pulled back to look Wilhelm in the eye. "I don't think it's going to work with Lukas," he said with a smirk.

"You don't like him?" Simon shrugged in answer. "But last night…" Simon put a hand over his mouth to silence him.

"It was fun, but it didn't mean anything. I already said I would have preferred kissing you at the dance."

Wilhelm let his eyes roam over Simon's face, trying to discern if there was any deception and he found none. He let his brow rest against the other boy's forehead. All he wanted to do now was kiss this boy again. His chin moved forward, their noses grazing, lips so close causing the butterflies to swarm throughout his chest cavity. This moment felt like the most important moment of his life.

He thought Simme might close the space between them, but he didn't. It was his choice, Wille's choice to take this final step. One small movement and the space was closed. Every fiber in his body came alive, his hands gripping the back of Simon's shirt, pulling the other closer, bodies nearly flush. Gently, he parted his mouth, Simme's tongue ventured between his lips, his own tongue meeting it. Lips moving effortlessly together, like they had been doing this forever. He let out a small whine. This was heaven. He was dead and this was heaven.

They pulled apart, but only just, their noses still brushing against one another, they were both breathing heavily. Wilhelm giggled, Simon followed. Their smiles grew as did their laughter. Neither of them could believe this was happening. Wille felt like his heart was full for the first time. Ever. This was crazy. An amazing good crazy, but crazy nonetheless.

Once their laughter died down a little, Simon smiled into one more chaste kiss before deciding that they should most definitely talk about this. “So, Wille, my friends best,” he teased, “I know what I want, but what do you want?” His index fingers stabbed lightly at Wille’s chest. Simon was met with a frustrated groan as Wille dropped his head onto Simon’s shoulder. Slender fingers slid through blonde hair, a gesture that Wille hoped the boy would do often.

“I…” he started. Talking was never his strong suit. Especially talking about his feelings or what he wanted. He looked at Simon intensely, trying to convey what he wanted, what he felt, but Simon wasn’t having it, he just raised a brow, waiting. He threw his head back with another groan. After a deep breath, he was looking back at Simon. “I want to be,” another breath, “your boyfriend.” Wilhelm felt immensely vulnerable at the moment, with Simon’s intense brown eyes staring at him. Slowly, a smile crept onto his face, crinkling the corners of his eyes. Oh, thank god. 

“Me too,” Simon whispered. Wille’s smile matched his boyfriend’s - boyfriend! - bright smile. His giddiness felt infectious as his arms wrapped low around Simon’s waist, picking him up and spinning the boy. Laughter filled the air. Everything was perfect.

For a moment at least.

As soon as Simon’s feet were back on the floor, he said, “I think we should tell mama.” That thought made Wille’s eyes go wide as saucers. He hadn’t thought that far ahead.

“But I’m not… I’m not,” he stuttered and stepped back from Simon. The air felt chilly now with the distance between them. Both hands ran through his hair, his chest felt tight. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to tell anybody yet, he didn't even know what he was! Last night wasn’t even supposed to happen. “Why can’t we keep it secret for now? I’m not ready. I’m not… fuck.” His hand was at his chest rubbing roughly, trying to ease the tightness. Wilhelm wasn’t sure why he did that, it never helped. Especially now when it felt like he was getting what he wanted only to have it immediately taken from him.

His soul was being crushed. This should have been expected. Failure and disappointment followed him like a lost puppy. His mother always told him so, and his father never said otherwise.

Simon sat down on the edge of his bed, “I can’t keep this from her. We can’t keep this from her. And fuck, Wille! That’s not fair to me!” He stood again, arms flinging out to the side in his exasperation. “I don’t want to be a secret Wilhelm.” Wilhelm… “I’ll just pretend none of this happened and we can just be how we were before until you figure out what you want.” His arms crossed over his chest, his face stoic, eyes looking anywhere but at Wille… no, Wilhelm.

Wille’s eyes burned with tears, a couple escaped. He grabbed his clothes that were in a pile on the floor, changed quickly and left. Linda tried to talk to him after he ran down the stairs, to make sure he was all right, but he couldn’t handle that right now. He couldn’t fall apart right now. Once again, he was out in the brisk morning air, only slightly warmer than last night, he stumbled as he hopped on one foot to put on his shoes as he made his way home.

Chapter Text

All he can do is stare at the wall that his bed was pushed up against. Wilhelm has felt lost ever since the Saturday morning after the dance, which was a week ago. The boys hadn't talked much over the week, and when they did it was about schoolwork, nothing more. And what hurt the most was how Simon addressed him, as Wilhelm, not Wille. If anyone noticed the difference between the best friends who were always joined at the hip, they didn't say anything.

The way he felt over the last week was awful and completely alone. Simon and Lukas had been holding hands whenever Wille saw them walking the halls at school. All air would leave his lungs and he would turn on his heel as quickly as possible even if it meant going the wrong way to his next class when he saw them. That could have been him. Holding hands with the boy who he had fallen in love with, but no, he had to let his fears and anxiety control the situation. It wasn't like Wille felt like he had other friends either. He had always been kind of a loner. Sure, there was Rosh and Ayub, but they were definitely more Simon's friends than his. And then there was Felice, but he avoided her, not wanting to explain why he and Simon weren't really speaking. Not ready to come out to anyone else.

He was alone.

He absolutely hated himself for getting high a week ago and letting himself ruin his relationship with his best friend. If he could take anything in his life back it would be that.

---

Wille was thankful that his parents were gone for the next two weeks for some business retreat thing so he could sulk alone. After a week of droning through school and successfully avoiding his best friend (were they even friends anymore?), he finally decided to message Erik even though he knew he wouldn't get an answer for several hours.

Wille: Erik, I fucked up. I fucked up so bad!

It was many hours later when Wille was woken up from his nap by his phone ringing. Erik. He accepted the video call.

" Hey little brother," Erik greeted.

"Hey," Wille groaned as he propped his phone on his bedside table.

" What happened, Wille? "

He groaned again and covered his face with his hands.

" Hello ," Erik tried getting his little brother to answer him.

Wilhelm took a deep breath, "Remember the dance?" His brother nodded. "Well, Simon was making out with Lukas and I got jealous, so I decided to go get some air and then I saw the kids I got the drugs from last time and one thing led to another," he said all in one breath. "I got high and found myself on the football field where I ended up calling Simon and left a voicemail because he didn't answer, telling him I liked him. I fell asleep on the field and then suddenly Simon was there with Linda. I told him he was beautiful. There's not much I remember after that until I woke up on Simon's bed. Then he said he liked me too and he kissed me," Wille flushed and put his hands back over his face.

" I don't see a problem here, Wille. Well, besides you getting high again. "

A frustrated groan left Wille before continuing, "That's because I haven't gotten to the problem yet." His brother nodded in understanding. "He said we should tell Linda and then I freaked out."

" Ah. "

"I asked him if we could keep it a secret until I was ready to come out," he said quietly as he looked down and played with the corner of his blanket, tears starting to well in his eyes. "We haven't talked since then except about classwork. I feel so lost, Erik." A tear slipped down his cheek as he sniffled.

" I'm sorry, Wille. " He paused. " But why don't you feel comfortable telling Linda? She's obviously not going to disown you. "

"I'm scared," Wilhelm whispered.

" I know, but Linda loves you, " Wille looked at his brother when he said that. He knew this and he wondered why he had been so scared to tell her before. Maybe it was the end of the high making his mind foggy or maybe it was the kiss and overwhelming emotions. " I'm not saying you should do what you're not comfortable with, but I think talking to Linda will help you ," Erik was encouraging.

They talked for a couple hours about anything and everything. Wille ordered pizza and sat on the couch to eat while they chatted. He was feeling a bit better about everything when they finally hung up.

---

The next morning, he found himself at the Eriksson's front door. He lifted his hand and knocked on the door, aftering letting out a long breath. He could do this. Linda opened the door, a little bit of shock on her face, he wasn't sure if it was because he didn't let himself in or because he wasn't expected this weekend. Maybe both.

"Mi amor, come in," she opened the door wider and closed it after he was in. He took his shoes off and hung his coat up on the hook that was unofficially Wille's. "Simon's not home, he stayed the night at Ayub's," she said as they made their way into the kitchen. 

Wilhelm shuffled his feet, his hands clasped behind his back, "I actually wanted to talk to you," he stated shyly, staring down at his feet.

"Oh? Okay. Would you like some tea, Wille?" she offered as she made herself a cup.

He nodded, "Please."

Linda sat down at the table, placing a mug in front of Wille. "What did you want to talk about, mijo?"

Wille took a long breath and wrapped his chilly fingers around the mug. He began talking about when he started questioning his own sexuality. About his dreams of holding Simon's hand and kissing him. His cheeks felt hot and his eyes stayed fixed on the mug as he talked, afraid that if he were to look at the loving woman in front of him, he would start crying and wouldn't be able to get out what he needed to. Linda listened, making small sounds to let him know she heard him, or to encourage Wille to continue. When he got to the night of the dance, he started stuttering. This part was more difficult to talk about and he ended up closing his eyes which made it a little easier. He could pretend he was alone and just talking out loud to himself.

When it was time to talk about the morning after, he paused. The wound in his heart was still bleeding.

"Talk your time, Wille," Linda offered quietly. His eyes stung with tears and his throat was tight, after a few deep inhales, Wilhelm continued, the hurt and sadness and anger he felt about the whole situation could be heard in his words. He told her about the voicemail he had sent when he was high on the football field, told her that he wanted Simon to be his boyfriend and that Simon had wanted it too, but he fucked up. Because he was scared and didn't want to tell her yet. And now he was alone and terrified of what would happen next. Fearful of his relationship with Simon coming to a horrifying end. Wille didn't want to lose the boy, but it felt like he had completely ruined everything.

He only realized he was crying when Linda handed him a tissue and he mumbled a thanks. She stood and moved a chair so she could sit next to the boy that was basically her son. Her arm went around his shoulders and she pulled him into her side.

"My sweet boy," Linda whispered. "You are so brave to tell me all of this," she paused for a moment. "I was wondering what was going on with you two after you stormed out a week ago." She smoothed a hand over his hair. "I love you, Wille. Very much. Nothing will change that." He looked up at her with a small smile and tear stained cheeks. A thumb brushed a newly fallen tear away, "I think you need to talk to Simon." Wilhelm nodded and then pressed his forehead to Linda's neck while she smoothed his hair and rubbed a hand over his arm.

"Te amo," he whispered. In that moment, he knew that he would never have this with his own mother and that thought forced out more tears causing Linda to hold him tighter. She murmured soft words of comfort into his hair as he rode out his emotions.

Chapter Text

Wilhelm woke up on the couch in the Eriksson living room, the door shut to give him privacy. The sun was shining brightly through the window, it must be late. Apparently, barely sleeping for the last two weeks adds up. He had been so thankful for Linda this morning, for listening to him, not turning him away or telling him he was foolish. Instead, she had listened and let him cuddle with her on the couch while they watched TV together. He hadn’t even noticed when he fell asleep with his head on her lap, one of her hands smoothing down his hair, the other resting on his shoulder.

It was a bit past noon when he made his way down the hall to the kitchen where he saw Linda making a couple sandwiches. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” she smiled when she saw Wille. “Hungry?” she asked while handing him a plate. They both laughed when his stomach growled loudly.

“Yes, thank you.” Taking the plate, he made his way to the table and sat, waiting for Linda.

“Eat, you silly boy,” she called through the service window. He smiled at her then took a bite of his sandwich. About halfway through their meal, Simon arrived at home. The door opened, a rush of cold air blew in before he had a chance to close it.

Once his shoes were off and coat hung up, he made his way to the dining room. As soon as he saw Wille, he froze, but quickly recovered and went to hug his mother. “Hola, mama.”

She returned the sentiment, then asked, “How is Ayub?”

“Just fine.”

“Good. Did you eat lunch already? If not, there’s still sandwich makings out,” she said before taking another bite of her own sandwich. Simon said he had already eaten. Wille kept his head down, his best friend completely ignoring him hurt, but he understood. “Are you going to say hi to Wille, Simon?” She raised her brow at him, still pretending like they were still the best of friends and not sharing a small crisis.

“Hi, Wilhelm,” Simon said robotically, not even caring to look at the boy.

“Wilhelm?” Linda seemed taken aback by the way Simon was acting.

“Yes, mama, that’s his name,” he blurted before storming upstairs to his room. Linda sighed as she watched him go.

Wille was leaning back in his chair staring at his hands in his lap, the rest of the sandwich abandoned. His hand lifted and caught a tear before it could fall. He thought he was out of tears having cried so many over the last two weeks. Crying was so exhausting and he was so tired. All he wanted was to crawl into his bed and hide from the world. He didn't deserve Simon's forgiveness or the possibility of love. If only he had froze to death on the football field, if he hadn't called and left that voicemail his best friend wouldn't hate him. The whole thing wouldn't even hurt as bad if Simon didn't feel the same, or at least hadn't. Wilhelm felt like a flat out rejection might have been better, easier to heal from. But this… this was different.

This was heart wrenching. It was losing everything he had ever cared about and it was as if he would never be able to fix it. The pain, anger, resentment on Simon's face before he went upstairs had made his heart clench.

He hadn't noticed that Linda had moved, she placed a hand on his shoulder and a kiss to his hair before taking their plates to the sink. Wille just sat there, feeling broken and lost. Two things he thought he would never feel in this house.

The thoughts circled in his head for hours as he sat in the chair at the kitchen table. Full of "what-if's" and "should have's" followed by negativity as his anxiety mixed with depression. The depressive thoughts had started about a week and a half ago. Thoughts of not being good enough, always being the fuck up, always the spare. No friends, parents who didn't care about him as a person, only how he affected their family image. And now Simon hated him. The world would be better without him.

Slowly, Wille stood, his body was stiff from sitting without moving for so long. He made his way upstairs and knocked on Simon's door. To his surprise it opened. The boy's cheeks were tear streaked and his eyes were red.

"I'm sorry," Wille nearly sobbed. "I'm sorry I was scared. I'm sorry I called you and had you come find me like that. I'm sorry I ruined everything." His bottom lip quivered, "I'm sorry I always ruin everything." And when Simon didn't respond, he turned and started down the stairs. "Bye, Linda," he said to her as he put on his shoes and coat. He was out the door before she could stop him.

It was about a twenty minute walk home, but he cut it in half by running. The quicker he got home, the quicker he could drown in alcohol. When he finally got there, he snuck into his parents liquor cabinet and picked out the strongest liquid he could find. The house was silent and it had that eeriness that homes have when no one else is there. Though, Wilhelm embraced it. That feeling seemed fitting for the loneliness floating around in his head and the hollowness in his heart. He deserved to be alone.

He took a swig of burning amber liquid straight from the bottle as he made his way to his room. Hopefully by the end of the bottle he wouldn't feel anything anymore.

A quarter of the way through the bottle, he still felt. Felt his anger at himself for making such a big mistake, for existing. The pit of despair his thoughts sank into kept getting deeper. Halfway through the bottle, his fingers tingled, but his mind still raced with everything he had done wrong. As he looked at the bottle, he thought of how disappointed his mother would be in him and added it to the long list of disappointments. He took another swig. Three quarters of the way through the bottle, his mind slowed, his body wasn't quite his anymore. This was more like it.

The bottle was empty now, on its side on the floor. As was Wilhelm. Anything besides laying down wasn't an option, his body didn't belong to him anymore. It belonged to the whiskey and that was fine. Everything was fine. His eyelids opened and closed slowly. When they were open, Wille would look around his room and make up stories for his action figures or the people in the posters on the walls. They were all nonsense of course. Wilhelm couldn't create a sentence right now if he tried.

After a while, his eyes wouldn't open anymore so he just watched the pretty colors spiral around the inside of his eyelids. It wasn't long before the darkness took him.

---

The first time he woke up, he was on his stomach on his floor in a pool of vomit. Doing his best to get up on all fours, he retched again from the smell and sight and feel of the previous batch. His throat burned.

His body ached from laying on the floor for god knows how long and his head… fuck, his skull felt like it was going to split open with how much it throbbed. Ever so slowly, he made his way to his adjoining bathroom and without turning on the lights, he made his way into the shower, clothes and all. His fingers fumbled with the handles, he flinched when the cool water hit his body. The water heated slowly. He took off his clothes, they hit the floor of the tub with a loud wet thwack that made his head throb even more, and then let the hot water wash over him. Wille rinsed his mouth several times, but the disgusting feeling and taste lingered.

Wilhelm felt less than human. But at least he wasn't thinking of a certain fuck up and losing the one amazing thing in his life. The pounding in his head eased the slightest amount, but it still hurt to open his eyes. So, he fumbled around the bathroom in the dark to find a towel, to find painkillers and mouthwash. He downed a glass of water before shuffling back to his room, slipping on a pair of fresh boxers and collapsing onto his bed.

The second time he woke up, his head felt better, though it still ached. The smell of old vomit and stale alcohol hit his senses and he gagged. He really needed to clean that up. But first, he took his aching body to the kitchen, his stomach was growling angrily at him. Wilhelm had no idea what day it was or the time, he just knew that he was a bit queasy from lack of food.

He stuffed a couple crackers in his face before he went to the fruit basket. Wille was about to grab a satsuma, but his hand halted mid-grasp. Simon . The only reason there were satsumas in the house was because he took them to school to give to Simon. He swallowed and took a deep breath, then another, then tried to take another, but his lungs wouldn't expand anymore. All the emotions that the whiskey had tried to drown, came cascading out of his heart now, flooding his lungs.

Then there was a knock at the door. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move. He was still only in boxers. Once again, Wille was a broken little boy, drowning in sorrow and desperation with no one to save him. No lifeguard to jump in to pull him to safety.

There was another knock. More urgent this time.

"Wille!" a voice called through the door. That voice pulled Wilhelm just above the surface, air finally flowing into his lungs. His legs moved of their own accord and the door opened. And there was Simon, dressed for school, his backpack slung on his shoulder. The boy looked worried and rightfully so. "What the fuck, Wille?!" he yelled as he pushed inside. Wilhelm didn't know what was going on. What did he do this time?

"Simme?" His voice was weak and a little hoarse. At that moment he realized his throat hurt.

"I thought you were dead, asshole!" Simon threw his arms in the air, clearly exasperated. All Wille could do was look confused. The other boy scoffed, "Do you know what day it is?" Wille shook his head slowly. "It's Wednesday. Wednesday! You haven't been answering your phone, you haven't been at school. No one knew where you were!" There was a slight trembling in Simon's voice, barely noticeable under the obvious anger and frustration.

Wednesday ? Wille thought. He had lost nearly four days. Four. Days.

"I'm fine," Wille squeaked out. Simon gave him his 'don't lie to me' face. A blush of shame graced his neck and ears. He suddenly felt very naked and more exposed than he already was. It felt like he was floundering again. Wilhelm wrapped his arms around himself.

"Did you get high again? Or just drunk off your ass?" Simon was pacing in the foyer and Wille looked at his own feet, pale against the hardwood.

"Just alcohol," he managed to say, but just barely. The other boy's pacing stopped as he sighed. Wille chanced a glance, he looked tired, worried. "I'm sorry, Simon," he sobbed.

"What are you going to do about it?" Simon turned to face him and crossed his arms over his chest. "Sorry isn't enough." He must have noticed Wille starting to shiver in the chilly foyer because he lightly grabbed his arm and guided him into the living room, more or less pushing him down on the couch and throwing a blanket over his mostly bare body. "Why can't you take care of yourself?" he muttered.

Simon was standing by the fireplace across from him, looking at the photos on the mantle. Waiting. Wilhelm wrapped the blanket around his shoulders.

"I talked to your mom on Saturday," he started. Simon turned to look at him, an eyebrow slightly raised. He guessed Linda didn't tell him then. He looked down at his fidgeting fingers, then ran a hand through his hair. "I- I told her about me. About how I think I'm queer." He looked up at his… friend? The boy had a softer look on his face.

"You told mama?" Simon took a step closer.

Wille nodded and looked back at his lap. "I told her about our- our fight. About the football field. About me being jealous of Lukas." The spot next to him sunk a little as Simon sat down.

Neither of them said anything for a while. Wille bit his thumbnail as his head throbbed behind his eyes. He closed them and got some relief from the ache in his head, but the ache in his heart still held tight in his chest.

"Can we please be friends again?" Simon basically begged. Wille let out a wet laugh and nodded as he looked at the boy next to him. The most beautiful boy in the world. "I miss you. It has been so weird not talking to you or seeing you." He took a deep breath and continued, "And if things turn into something more, then they do. Yeah?" All Wille could do was nod, he was too verklempt to speak. Simon leaned over wrapping his best friend in a hug. Wilhelm melted into it.

Best friend Simon was better than no Simon.

Chapter Text

The next few weeks were more or less back to normal. Though Wilhelm didn't stay overnight at the Eriksson's very often anymore and if he did, he slept on the couch. He was laying there now.

It was really early, just before dawn. The sky was grey as it awaited the rising sun to turn the world a beautiful shade of gold. Wille was curled under a warm, fuzzy blanket, the same one that was wrapped around his shoulders a few months ago in the middle of the night on the football field. He thought a lot about that night. About how he really did think everything was fake. Everything except everyone in this house and his brother. Sometimes he even felt fake himself. In a way, he supposed he was.

Only three people knew about his queerness. So, was being in the closet to most of the world being fake? He felt it was, but he wasn't ready to be out yet. Being real, being out felt vulnerable. Felt terrifying. Especially since he wasn't even sure that he was gay. Sure, he loved Simon and he just happened to be a boy, but calling himself gay just didn't fit him. It sounded wrong.

Wille was taken out of his musings when the living room door crept open. This wouldn't be the first time Simon came to snuggle with him since he started sleeping on the couch. They both wanted to be together, but Wilhelm felt like he had to figure himself out first. For Simon, but mostly for himself. Simon said he would wait until he was ready.

Simon snuck over to the couch and was startled when Wille looked up at him. "Shit," he stage whispered. Wille smiled up at him as he lifted the blanket for Simon to snuggle into his chest. As soon as Simon had his back pressed to Wille's chest, Wilhelm felt a calm wash over him. He sighed as he nuzzled his nose against the nape of Simon's neck, who just wiggled closer. The feeling of Simon in his arms always did this, always calmed him and his chaotic thoughts.

"Simme?" He could tell his friend was just on the edge of sleep as he hummed in response. "I don't know if I feel like a boy." The boy in his arms twisted around to look at him, suddenly more awake.

"You're beautiful no matter what you are," Simon promised, cupping Wille's cheek. Wille gave him a soft smile. "Should I change how I talk about you? Like changing your pronouns?"

Wille really wanted to kiss Simon then, but they were just best friends who cuddled on occasion. Yet the feeling of being validated was overwhelming. The fact that Simon didn't question Wille's choice or thoughts on the matter meant so much. Simon didn't bat an eye at Wilhelm's decision, just accepted it like he would his favorite food. Rather than doing something rash, Wille spoke to ease some of the emotions building in his heart.

"I think he/him is still okay, but I think I also like they/them," he decided.

Simon nodded, "Okay. I'm really sleepy, so maybe remind me when we get up?" Wille nodded and told their best friend to sleep, they could talk more in a few hours.

---

Both boys spent the day studying for year end exams at the Eriksson’s kitchen table. Textbooks and papers spread out over the surface. Simon asking questions, Wille trying to answer or being excited because they “just read that!” and then they would flip through pages until they found it and shove it in Simon’s face who would laugh at him with that shy smile on his face and eyes bright.

Every time Wille saw his friend's eyes sparkle, those butterflies in his chest would flutter. They wondered how long they could last before just giving in and being with that beautiful boy. Wilhelm felt closer to being true to himself every time Simon used they/them when talking to his family about them. It was like something in their heart finally slotted into place. Linda had even caught on without being told, and if she slipped up, she would correct herself, though he told her it wasn’t completely necessary, but he appreciated it all the same. That had meant the world to him. The only thing that really scared them at this point were their parents, namely their mother. At least Wille knew he had the Eriksson’s to support him. And Erik.

Wille had messaged his brother when they had finally woken up to face their studying. Erik had given his support of Wilhelm and told them that he would be there if he wanted when finally telling their parents.

Wille was finishing up an essay when there was a knock at the door. They saw Simon glance out the window behind them and freeze, eyes wide. "It's your mother," he whispered.

Linda opened the door, "Good afternoon, Kristina. Come in."

Kristina came inside and gave Wilhelm a stern look, but there was something else in her eyes that they couldn't place. They had no idea why she was here so early. She always picked them up after dinner and dinner wasn't for another hour and a half. Something had to be wrong.

"Mamma?" 

"Come, Wilhelm." Kristina straightened and fixed her purse on her arm.

"What's happened?" Wille started cleaning up his schoolwork, a frown etched into their brow.

"Hurry up," she tutted, as her lips pressed into a thin line. This didn't feel right. Something was wrong. Their stomach rolled with nausea as they looked at Simon who seemed just as upset as they were. "Now, Wilhelm!" That got them moving quickly. It felt like he was out of his body, hands shaking slightly as they gathered up their things and shoving them into his backpack.

After a rushed goodbye, Wille was sitting in the passenger seat next to Kristina. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the steering wheel. She took a deep breath, "It's Erik." Wille stared at her, terrified on how she would finish that thought. "He was in an accident."

Wilhelm’s heart stopped and they couldn't breathe.

Wilhelm had talked to his brother this morning. This couldn't be happening. Their brother drove one of the safest cars on the market. This couldn't be happening.

Erik…

Kristina's voice rang in their ears, Erik was in an accident . Wille leaned forward to put their head between their knees. Breathing felt impossible. His mother was yelling at them to sit up, they were trying their best to just take oxygen into their lungs.

Eventually, she stopped yelling and a little while after that, the car stopped and turned off. With their breathing mostly under control now, he lifted their head and saw they were at the hospital. At least Erik wasn't dead.

Yet.

---

Wilhelm was pacing in the waiting area, thumb at his mouth biting their skin raw, the nail long since bit to the quick. They had been waiting for about an hour now and have yet to hear any word on Erik's condition. Kristina was at the nurses station once again, demanding an update. At least she wasn't berating Wille for their anxious ticks.

Their phone buzzed and they pulled it out of their pocket. It was Simon asking about an update.

Wille: Nothing yet. Mother is demanding answers. AGAIN. I feel so bad for the nurses.

Simon: Oh, god. Those poor nurses. How are you holding up?

Wille: I feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't stopped pacing and my thumb is bleeding. So, great.

Simon: I wish I could be there with you, but I think your mother would go even more berserk.

Wille: Probably. I appreciate it though.

Wilhelm locked their phone when they heard their mother stomping back over to them (his father was there, just sitting in the corner on his phone). His mother's face was red with anger.

"They won't tell me anything!" she fumed. "Don't they know who I am?!" Her voice was shrill now. All Wille could do was sigh. Of course she would use her 'rich person' status. He hated it when she tried to use her old money and the marketing firm that their family owned as a reason to claim they were more important than others. Because they weren't any more important than anyone else here. It seemed like Kristina would never understand that. Yet another reason why Wille preferred the Eriksson's over their own family.

Their mother's ranting was drowned out by a gurney being rolled in and people shouting. Wille stared at the injured patient. There was so much blood. So much. 

Scanning the room, they found a trash can and bolted for it before they could heave onto the floor. Was that what Erik had looked like when they brought him in? God, Wille really hoped Erik was going to survive. They wouldn't be able to go on if he didn't. There would be a gaping hole in their chest that would be permanently vacant for the rest of their life.

---

Laying across several uncomfortable plastic hospital chairs, Wille tried to get some rest, but it seemed fruitless. They mostly just stared across the empty waiting room. It was well past midnight and most everyone had been treated and left.

But still they waited. His parents had fallen asleep against each other a few hours ago. Simon had stayed awake as long as he could texting back and forth until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. To say the least, it was lonely in the bright waiting room of the hospital.

Then the doors on the opposite side of the room swung open and a man in a white lab coat walked out. Wille sat up and stared at the doctor with wide eyes.

"Prinsson?" 

Wille stood at the sound of their surname. Their parents startled awake at the sound. Wilhelm's heart felt like it was beating out of their chest. They were hoping the look on the doctor's face meant that their brother wasn't dead. Though who knew how many times he had to tell someone that their loved one didn't make it.

Please, let him be alive .

Chapter Text

Wilhelm was exhausted emotionally and physically. His head rested on the edge of the hospital bed, one hand grasping their brother's unmoving hand. The slow beeping of the monitors had lulled them to sleep.

It had been an excitable night and not in a good way. The doctor had told them all that Erik was finally out of surgery after some complications, and they had put him in a medically induced coma. He was stable, but they were unsure when Erik would wake up, if he did at all. But Wille sat by his side, staring at their brother, willing him to open his eyes for what felt like hours. Eventually, exhaustion overtook them.

Kristina shook them awake, they looked at her with bleary eyes, she told him that they should go home and get some rest. Wille had refused to go, unwilling to leave their brother's side. So, Kristina and Ludvig left them there. Wilhelm took that opportunity to message Simon even though he was in class right now and told him what was going on. Not long after hitting send did their head once again hit the hospital bed and let sleep take them.

—

A hand grasped their shoulder and Wilhelm startled awake. “It’s okay, it’s just me,” a soft voice said as Wille’s eyes slowly focused on the new person in the room. Simon had showed up to check on him, brought real food (leftover enchiladas that Linda had made), and unfortunately some homework to give to them. “You look terrible.” Wille had been by his brother’s side for nearly a week. Only leaving the room for food, luckily the room had its own toilet.

Wille deadpanned, “Thanks.” He was exhausted. Sleeping in a chair was so uncomfortable. “How are you?” they asked, scrubbing a hand down his face and rubbing his eyes to help wake themselves up. Stifling the yawn that followed was impossible.

“Better than you,” Simon answered. "But really, how are you faring?"

"I feel like I'm constantly about to throw up. I just want him to wake up." Wille looked over at his brother just willing him to open his eyes. "And I'm so tired. I really only sleep well at your house."

Simon sat on the small rollaway cot the hospital let him use, not that he used it. Always wanting to be closer to his brother. "Wanna cuddle and take a nap?" he whispered, patting the spot beside him.

Without any regard to the time and when their parents would show up, he gave Simon a goofy smile. They walked around Erik's bed and sank into the cot with Simon, easily wrapping his arms around the boy as they laid down. "I missed you," he breathed out, barely audible to even his own ears, but Simon heard and just wiggled closer. 

Before Simon forgot, he murmured, "A few of our teachers said they would allow you to take your tests here and I can turn them in.” Wilhelm sighed in relief as they buried their nose into the curls at the base of Simon's skull.

On top of worrying day and night about Erik, year end exams had been eating at the back of their brain. They really didn’t want to fail their junior year after working so hard. Failing wasn't an option in their family. Kristina would probably disown her youngest son if he got anything lower than a B. Right now, with Wille being in the hospital with his brother 24/7, he was walking a fine line with his grades. Erik was a straight A student, valedictorian with honors and Wilhelm was always compared to his older brother. Erik always told Wille not to worry or compare them against each other. They were two completely different people with different strengths. That didn’t keep him from doing his best to please his parents, doing his best to follow in his brother’s footprints, but ultimately being unhappy, stressed and anxious all the time.

---

"Wilhelm!!" A shrill voice shouted.

Wille startles awake, their arm tightening around Simon's waist who also jumped awake at the yelling. "Fuck," Simon breathed. Wilhelm's sentiments exactly. He was frozen in the cot, his best friend, forbidden love in his arms, staring at his mother's red and fuming face.

“What the fuck is this?!”

Fortunately for Kristina's youngest son, a nurse came into the room. "Is there a problem here? I heard yelling."

They took this time to separate themselves from the warmth and comfort that was Simon while his mother turned her wrath on the poor nurse. Thankfully, this nurse was a big burly man that his mother almost looked afraid of. His name was Bruce and Wille liked him, they had talked a bit during their time here. The man was a big teddy bear, but you didn't want to mess with him.

"I'm sorry, but this is a private matter. Now if you don't mind," she sneered at the nurse.

Bruce stood to his full height and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, I'm sorry, but if you plan on yelling more, we will have to remove you from the premises." Wille kind of wanted his mother to yell more just so she would be removed and he wouldn't have to deal with her yelling at him being a disgusting disappointment. 

"You have no right to remove me, but you should be removing that boy!" She pointed at Simon. Bruce leaned a little to look around Kristina to see Simon, who he knew visited Wille frequently.

"You want me to remove the boy that has been keeping your son company?" He raised a brow. "Seriously?" The tension in the room was so thick it could be cut with a knife. "Sorry, ma'am, but I will not be removing the child. They haven't done anything wrong."

They haven't done anything wrong.

Wilhelm's chest swelled with gratitude for Bruce and then their stomach swooped when Simon grabbed their hand and gave it a squeeze. Their gaze slipped to the curly haired boy next to them, he looked as nervous as they felt. Their eyes met and he couldn't keep it in anymore. Losing Simon, again , would destroy them.

"Mamma," Wille said as he gave Simon a small smile before turning to face her. Their hand held tight to his friends. The added strength the boy gave him was undeniable.

Kristina turned slowly to face her son, eyes wide with anger. "What is it, Wilhelm?" She forced out through her teeth.

"I-," they started talking, but it felt like all the air left his lungs as soon as their mothers eyes bore into their own. Simon gave his hand a squeeze, I'm here . They took a deep breath.

"Well?" Kristina screeched. Bruce took a step toward her.

"What do you have against Simon? Why do you hate him so much?" Wilhelm stood tall, shoulders squared, chin raised.

Kristina scoffed, "I don't want you hanging around with faggots, Wilhelm."

"Time for you to go," Bruce said with finality, wrapping a hand around her bicep.

"If Simon is a-" they couldn't say it, they just paused, "then I am too." Wilhelm was terrified and angry and exhausted and just flat out tired of his mother. This wasn’t how they wanted to tell their mother that they were queer, but he just couldn’t tolerate his mother’s reaction to Simon.

His mother ripped her arm from Bruce's grasp and stormed over to her youngest and got in his face. "You?!" Wille tried not to flinch as the words were spat in their face, but failed. "You are not one of them! I won't allow it."

"Erik," Simon urgently cried, pulling on Wille's hand.

Erik's eyes were open. The beeping on the monitor had increased. Another nurse hurried in, freezing momentarily at the family feud going on before going to her patients side. Wille was on the opposite side of the bed as the nurse in an instant, grabbing his brother's hand. Fingers twitched against their own. A wave of hope flooded through him as his shoulders fell, tension easing from them.

Wilhelm was too distracted to notice the fight Bruce was having with their mother, but he did feel a soft touch on the small of his back. Simon. They leaned back into the touch. Everything was all too much right now. That touch was the only thing keeping him grounded. Their brother's eyes were closed again after a small drink of water.

Simon pulled Wille back to the cot, the nurses were taking Erik for tests, their mother had been escorted away. The ringing in their ears slowly faded. He slumped onto the cot. Eyes staring at the place his brother had been. Their hand rubbed their chest, pressing hard to help ease the tension. 

A hand brushed through his hair, gently tucking some strands behind their ear. The softness of the gesture brought them back and they turned their head. The sight that greeted him was nothing less than perfect. Beautiful, beautiful Simon. All dark brown curls and dark brown eyes so full of love, but also understanding and concern. And that smile. That soft lovely, but tentative smile. Wille leaned towards his best friend, he couldn't stop himself any longer. Wilhelm needed this, wanted it ever since that day after the dance in Simon’s room. This moment was the only thing he could control in his life right now. This kiss was inevitable. They moved slowly to give Simon time to stop it, but the boy was the one to close the distance. Soft, pliant lips pressed against their own. Something in his heart slotted firmly into place.

Simon started smiling into the kiss as did Wille. There was a happiness that flowed through the both of them, it was slow and strong and golden, like honey. Their hands came up and cupped Simon's face, Wille breathed in the boy at his side, never wanting to be apart. At that moment, they were sure they would never get enough of Simon. Always wanting, always needing more, moremoremore.

There was a knock at the door causing Wille and Simon to jump apart, but it was only Bruce who entered. “Wille, your mother isn’t allowed back until tomorrow. So, you two are safe the rest of the night.”

“Tack, Bruce.” Bruce smiled at the boys before closing the door once again leaving them alone.

Simon wrapped his arms around his best friend and rested his cheek on their shoulder. “Thank you for standing up to your mother for me,” the curly haired boy whispered. Wille just responded by burying their face in curls, putting a hand on the arm over his chest and the other on the inside of Simon’s knee. Both of them shifted to try and get as close as they could together in their current position.

Long minutes passed as the two of them held onto one another. Each bringing comfort to the other. The scent of Simon’s coconut and citrus shampoo filled Wilhelm’s lungs and they couldn’t help but nuzzle into the curls even though they tickled his nose. Simon’s arms around them tightened.

“Wille?”

“Hmm?” They pressed their lips against the other’s head in a soft kiss. He couldn’t help it, it just felt like the right thing to do, and it seemed that it was because the boy giggled.

“Do you wanna be my boyfriend?” He then lifted his head to look at Wille with a crease between his eyebrows. “Is boyfriend even an okay word for you?”

Wilhelm just looked at Simon with intense brown eyes as his smile grew and grew. “Yes and yes,” he replied before diving in for another kiss.

Chapter Text

Wille was sitting on the cot next to Erik’s bed in the hospital, a textbook closed on his lap being used as a table for a year end exam. The end of his pencil between his teeth as he thought about the answer to an annoying question for social studies. It had been a couple days since Erik had awoken and the catastrophe with their mother. Their brother had only woken up one other time since then, but the doctors had reassured Wille that this was normal. 

A groan brought Wille out of his thoughts, his head whipped to face his brother.

“W-”

Wilhelm was at their brother’s side in an instant.

“Erik, I’m here.” They took their brother’s hand. “Would you like some water?” Erik nodded once as they reached over for the bottle with a straw and helped their brother drink. After a few drinks, his head falls back against the pillow. His eyes fall upon his little brother. They were clear and oh so tired. “I’m so happy you’re awake,” Wille could feel a tear run down his cheek as he looked over his brother. Erik did his best to squeeze his little brother’s hand. 

"Wh-" Erik coughed, glancing at the water. Wille quickly brought the straw to his lips again. After a few sips and a couple deep breaths, Erik croaked, "What happened?" 

"Um." Wilhelm sat down in the car next to the bed, keeping Erik's hand in his. "You were in a car accident."

"Oh yeah," their older brother mumbled after a few seconds.

A knock on the door signaled the entry of Bruce, followed by Simon. Wilhelm smiled at them, happy to have his brother awake, his favorite nurse, and his boyfriend - boyfriend! - in the same room.

"You're awake!" Bruce smiled at Erik. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I was in a car accident," Erik responded hoarsely.

Everyone chuckled and the relief in the room felt palpable. Simon had made his way to Wille, running his fingers through their messy hair before resting it at the base of their neck. Bruce talked to Erik for a few minutes, obviously becoming exhausted with the effort of paying attention. Simon's fingers played at the hairs at the nape of Wille's neck. Wille finally felt more at ease than they ever had in their entire life despite the fact that he was sitting in a hospital because his brother was in an accident.

"Wille. Simon. Kristina will be here in two hours," Bruce warned.

Both Simon and Wille answered at the same time, "Tack, Bruce."

After the door shut, Erik looked at them, trying very hard to stay awake, but he managed to slur out, "What was that about?"

"Mamma and I had a fight. We can talk about it later. You should rest more," Wilhelm replied, not really wanting to go into it right now. Especially since he kept blinking quickly to keep from letting sleep take him. Wille stood, smoothing down his brother's hair before placing a kiss to his forehead. "Rest." Erik sort of nodded before letting his eyelids close, it wasn't long before his breathing evened out.

Simon gently tugged Wille to the cot to give them some space, they willingly followed, always wanting to follow this boy anywhere. Both sat, Wille immediately burying their face in Simon's neck and arms wrapping around each other. "I'm so happy he's awake now," they whispered against Simon's skin, his breath sending shivers down the boy's spine.

"Me too," he whispered before pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's hair. After a few moments of just enjoying each other, Simon broke the silence. "I had hoped Kristina had already been here. Like yesterday."

Wilhelm's mother had been in early the first day she was allowed back, leaving ample time for Simon to visit after school. She had completely ignored Wille's presence when she had arrived, favoring taking the seat that they always sat in, with her back to them as she talked to her sleeping son. It wasn't like Wille was upset at not having to talk to his mother, but being completely and utterly ignored was a little more than hurtful. Especially considering she had called him and Simon faggots not twelve hours earlier. Simon had just held his boyfriend after they told him, doing his best to give comfort. It helped.

"I wish she wouldn't come at all," Wille said somberly. "Or at least if Pappa came too it wouldn't be so terrible."

"Why hasn't he visited?" A crease forms in Simon's brow, only just now realizing that the brothers' father hasn't visited in a long while.

"Something about work being backed up because he missed a few days," Wille rolls his eyes. "It's not like his son got in an accident or anything." It's obvious by their tone that Wilhelm is a little more than upset about this. Simon just holds them a little tighter knowing the relationship Wille has had with his parents has always been… difficult. Tenuous.

They curl up on the cot, snuggling as close as possible to the other. Simon tells Wille about his day and that Linda misses him, as does Sara. Wille misses them too. A lot. They are really looking forward to a motherly hug from her when they finally feel comfortable enough to leave the hospital.

Simon drags his fingers against his boyfriend's scalp, Wille can't help but nuzzle their nose against his neck. It feels like home. They realize then that Simon has always been their home. The boy holding him close is a salve on Wille's life, soothing and healing him in ways he never knew possible.

—

Simon had left with ample time to leave without any chance of running into Kristina. He had taken some of Wilhelm’s completed homework and exams to turn in for him. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until their mother showed her face causing Wille to tense at the sight of her. Erik was still sleeping as Bruce followed Kristina into the room and grabbed the clipboard hanging on the end of the hospital bed before writing a few things down. As he set it back in its slot, he glanced at Wille, “Hey, Wille. My partner packed me some extra dessert. It’s in the breakroom if you’d like some.” The nurse raised his eyebrows slightly and quickly glanced at their mother, a hint to let him escape the awkward tension in the room.

Wille just blinked at him before figuring out what he was trying to say. Bruce was giving him a way to avoid his mother, he truly was a godsend. “Uh, yeah. Yes. That sounds great,” they stammered as he stood up from his cot and followed the nurse out of the room with his head down.

Once the door was shut and they were halfway down the hall, Bruce said, “I hope I wasn’t overstepping.” Wille looked at him with a frown. “I just figured you could use a break from your delightful mother.” That got a laugh out of the boy.

“Tack Bruce, really.”

They shared a smile before a door was pushed open and Wille was greeted with a small room with a couch and small kitchenette, on the table in the middle was a plate of cookies. “Help yourself, Wille. You can stay as long as you want. I’ll let you know when it’s safe if you’d like?”

Suddenly, Wille was very emotional. The kindness that Bruce was showing him seemed like too much and he thought he was hiding it well enough, but when a hand gently landed on his shoulder he knew he failed. Bruce gave him a squeeze. “You’re really brave, kid.” Then they were alone, they grabbed several cookies and curled up on the couch, eating his feelings.

—

They hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but they were exhausted and this couch was so much more comfortable than the cot. A hand on his shoulder woke him and he was surprised to see his brother sitting next to him.

“Hej,” Erik said softly.

“What? What are you doing in here?” They sat up and brushed cookie crumbs off themself, feeling a little flustered seeing their brother outside of his room.

“The nurses wanted to see if I was comfortable walking. And holy shit, it was exhausting walking here. Took me ten whole minutes!” Erik exclaimed with a laugh. Wille just smiled, happy to see how much their brother was improving. “So, we’re going to sit here for a while. Hope that’s okay.”

Wilhelm nodded and leaned their head on their brother’s shoulder. “Everything will be okay, Wille,” their brother whispered into his hair before resting his cheek on their head.

About a half hour later, one of the night nurses came in and smiled at the brothers, both conked out, leaning against the other. As she walked over to wake them so that they could get Erik back in his room, Wille stirred. They looked blearily at her.

“Hey, Wille,” she whispered. “You two are so adorable.” He couldn’t help his sleepy bashful smile as he dug out his phone and opened the camera and held it out to her mouthing ‘please.’ “Of course, sweetie.” Wille closed his eyes again, the corners of his lips pulling up. “All done, darling.” They took their phone back. “We gotta get Erik back to his bed.” This caused Wille to shift enough to make Erik stir on his own, blinking quickly to wake himself up.

Erik groaned as he stretched and then hissed a little when his back protested. “I’m getting too old for this,” he murmured.

The nurse chuckled, “Would you like to try to walk or do you want a wheelchair, Erik?”

“I’ll try walking, but we can keep a wheelchair close?” She nodded and the both of them helped him stand and slowly walk back down the hall. But not after Wille snagged a couple more cookies.

Chapter Text

"She really said-" Erik started to ask yet again, but he was lost for words at the audacity their mother had. Wilhelm had told their brother about the fight that led to Kristina being escorted out of the hospital. They had only done so after being utterly annoyed by Erik's insistent questioning. The expression that would slide over Simon's face when the topic was brought up during his visits also helped Erik's case.

Wille just sat on the edge of the cot, all of his schoolwork packed away having turned in his final tests and assignments the previous week; that and Erik was being discharged the following day. His hands fidgeted in his lap. They watched as their brother started pacing the room in his socked feet and sweats.

"I just… fuck. How could she, just, ah!" Erik roughly ran a hand through his hair.

"Erik, you need to calm down. You're not supposed to be stressing this much." Wille knew the whole situation with their mother was going to fluster him and had immediately regretted saying anything. His brother has only just (mostly) recovered from being in a coma and a car accident.

"Wille's right, Erik," Bruce agreed as he made his way into the room carrying their lunch.

"I know, but our mother ," he said that word with such contempt, "called my little brother and his boyfriend…" Erik trailed off with a frustrated groan, not even wanting to pretend to say that awful word.

"I was here, I know, but you getting mad about it doesn't help anyone. Especially you," Bruce said pointedly. The nurse set the food down on the tray that went over the bed. "Just eat and maybe watch a show to calm down a little. I hear the Great British Bake Off is calming," Bruce finished with a smile as he left the room.

That's what the brothers ended up doing. Both squished on the hospital bed, eating lunch and watching Bake Off on Wille’s laptop. Wilhelm could tell their brother was still seething over Kristina, but they didn't say anything, just finished the pudding cup and dropped their head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, little brother." Erik put his arm around Wille's shoulder resting his cheek on their head. Wille just snuggled into their brother's side and watched dough being proved.

---

Half a season later, Simon sneaks in and finds the two of them asleep, Netflix asking if they're still there. He closes the laptop quietly, presses a gentle kiss to his boyfriend's cheek before settling in on the cot for an afternoon nap.

The three boys are rudely awakened a half hour later when the brothers mother decides to show up unannounced. She's pulled Wilhelm off of the bed, causing them to stumble and fall to the floor with a yelp, her hand fisting into the collar of his hoodie. Erik is yelling and Simon is nearly falling off the far side of the cot as he frantically looks around trying to figure what the fuck is happening. When he realizes it's Kristina being her hateful self, he clenches his jaw as he figures out how to get Wille out of her clutches.

He really hates Kristina. Simon hated her before "the incident" and how she always treated Wille, and the Eriksson's for that matter, with such disdain.

"The fuck, Mother!?" 

Bruce is barreling into the room, security on his tail, and fury written all over his face at the sight in front of him. "Kristina Prinsson, what in the fuck are you doing?!" Wille is whimpering, his eyes darting over and seeing Simon for the first time that day. Simon sees their bottom lip start to quiver and eyes turn glassy, a hand shoots out toward him, but quickly goes back to clawing at his mothers hand. "Let the boy go."

Simon's eye snap to Bruce's. The deathly calm in his voice is terrifying and he is so glad to not be on the receiving end of his wrath. His eyes find his boyfriend's again, they're still latched onto Simon and it makes him want to cry as Wille is held awkwardly and the fabric around his neck is too tight. Wille's fingernails are digging in their mothers hand trying to get her to let go.

The security guard behind Bruce looks ready to pounce as he carefully inches towards the threat. Kristina finally relents her grip on her son and he falls unceremoniously towards the floor again, shooting out an arm for Simon again. Reaching over the cot, he grabs Wille's hand and pulls his boyfriend to him. Wille is surrounded by his arms and they bury their face into Simon's neck. Quick breaths and whimpers ghosting against his skin.

"I've got you," Simon whispers against the shell of their ear. All of his attention now on the one he loves in his arms. "I've got you." Wille's gripping his shirt for dear life and it makes his chest ache. He can feel both of their hearts pounding where their chests are pressed together.

There's yelling and multiple raised voices, a shadow falls into his peripheral. Erik is climbing onto the cot and pulling the two of them against his chest as the yelling fades and the door shuts. All Simon can hear now is a buzzing in his ears, the near silence is deafening.

They stay like that for a while. All holding onto one another, heartbeats have slowed and breathing turns calm. It's Wille who is the first to move.

He pulls his face away from Simon's neck and looks at him. "I didn't know you were here." Their voice is so small, it makes his heart clench.

"You two were napping, I didn't want to wake you," Simon whispered before pressing a kiss to their temple. Wille leaned into him. Erik relaxed his grip on them only to drop his head onto his brother's shoulder.

"Boys," Erik sighs. "Er, Simon and Wille, fuck, I never realized how much of a fucking cunt she is." He started laughing when he was met with twin wide-eyed shocked expressions. After the initial shock of Erik's foul language, they all started laughing together and collapsing on each other.

"Well, I'm glad you three are having fun." Bruce is walking into the room again, running a hand over his bald head. "Are you all actually okay? Wille?" he asks as he comes around the hospital bed and sits on the edge of it. The three of them calm their laughter and all look to the youngest among them.

"I, uh, um, I think I'm okay. My knee hurts a little, but I think everything else is fine." Bruce asks to check his knee and finds nothing wrong, but he leaves to get an ice pack anyway.

"So, Kristina is banned from the hospital," Bruce explains as he hands the ice pack to Wille. "Not that it makes a huge difference since you leave tomorrow. Um," he licks his lips, "It is not really my place, but is there somewhere else you two can stay where we all won't be worried about you two?" He looks between the two brothers.

Simon watches them as they look at each other, unsure of how to proceed. "They can stay at mine,” Simon pipes in before he can really question that decision.

"Simon," Erik starts.

"No, let me call Mamma." His phone is out of his pocket before they can fight him on it.

---

"Hola, mijos," Linda sticks her head into the living room where Simon and Wille have made their bed for the foreseeable future. Erik was given Simon's room. "Need anything before I go to bed?"

"No, Mamma, we're okay." Wille nodded in agreement.

"Te amo," Wille says after he gets up and gives her a hug.

"Te amo, carino." She rests a hand on their cheek before leaving them be.

Turning back around he sees Simon's arms open and waiting for him. They curl up into the boy and bury their face into Simon's warm neck. Wille sighs, letting their body melt into their boyfriend's arms.

The brothers have been residing at the Eriksson's for a week now, the both of them had managed to sneak into their home while their mother was at work to get clothes and other essentials. Wille never wants to go back there. Too many bad memories.

"Wille?" There are nimble fingers combing through their hair. They hum and nuzzle their nose against soft, warm skin. Wilhelm thinks this is his favorite place, wrapped in Simon's arms with his face pressed against the other boy's neck. "I love you."

Wille pulls back so they can look at the boy with beautiful brown eyes and curly hair. He almost can't believe what he heard. But they see the truth of it in his eyes, the softness of his touch and realizing that Simon has always loved them and they have always loved Simon.

A smile spreads across their face as they cup Simon's face reverently. "I love you, Simme. I think I've always loved you. I think it's always been us. You and me." Simon's smile is as bright as the sun. Wille surges forward to catch Simon's lips, but kissing is hard when their smiles won't fade.

Chapter Text

"What are you saying, Pappa?" Erik is pacing the small space of Simon's bedroom. His clothes are haphazardly thrown on his suitcase against the wall, his watch and a book are on the bedside table that Simon had cleared off for him. He sits on the edge of the small bed, his pacing tiring him out quite quickly.

All he can do is listen to the words from his father. Words he never thought he would hear.

" Erik, son, we were hoping to tell the both of you together, but it seems your mother has kind of lost it. " Isn't that the understatement of the year.

"Tell us what?" Erik grips his phone so hard his knuckles turn white. "Does this have to do with why you never visited me in the hospital?"

There's a long pause. He can hear Ludvig sigh down the line. " We're getting a divorce. " The air gets sucked out of Erik's lungs. Erik knew there had been a bit of tension between them over the last year or so, but… divorce? " I've already moved out of the house. Your mother just needs to sign the paperwork ."

"I- I don't understand," Erik stutters. "Why?" His parents, their parents, were separating. For good. Forever. How was he going to tell Wille? Would his little brother even care? It wasn't like their parents cared much about their youngest child. Having always compared the two brothers, telling Wille he wasn't good enough, always making the wrong friends. Namely Simon.

" We just don't love each other anymore. We fight all the time and well…"

Oh.

"You're seeing someone else." Erik swallows. "So what was the point of that two week vacation you two took when you left Wille by himself?"

" Well, we didn't vacation together. " There's another voice alongside his father's. " I have to go. Um, bye. " And the line is dead.

Erik doesn't know how to feel. He missed the last few weeks of his final year of university because he got in a car accident that resulted in surgery and a medically induced coma that he's still recovering from; followed by his mother treating his little brother, and their boyfriend, like a bag of garbage. And now his parents are getting a divorce, his father already moved on and there is no way he is going to go live with his mother. Then there was Wille to think about. No way in hell would Erik let Wille be anywhere near their mother again.

So, he just sits there, hands limp in his lap staring blankly at the keyboard leaning against the wall.

Linda, Simon, Wille, and Sara are sitting at the table when Erik shuffles his way out for dinner. He's wearing sweats from the university he should have graduated from, his hair is a mess and he really should shower. Everything is a mess. Their whole life got thrown upside down and then shoved in a blender. This stress can’t be good for him right now.

"Erik, are you okay?" His little brother has gotten up from his seat and walks over to him. Concern making itself known between their eyebrows.

"Huh? Oh, I'm fine, lillebror." Like expected, that did nothing to curb Wille's worrying. Erik sighs and rubs his face with both of his hands. They might as well get this over with. "Sit." Erik takes his own seat as Wille slowly sinks back into his chair next to Simon. He doesn't miss his brother reaching out and grabbing their boyfriend's hand under the table for comfort. God, Erik is so thankful Wilhelm had Simon.

Everyone looks at the eldest Prinsson brother, waiting. He sighs, eyes trained on the table following the grain of the wood. "I suppose there's no good way to say this. Um, Wille, our parents are getting a divorce." Finally looking up, he catches Wille's eyes. He can't read the emotions there, his face doesn't show anything, all he does is blink. Then there's a sudden intake of breath like he wasn't breathing before. "Wille," he breathes.

Next he knows, Wille is darting down the hall to the bathroom and locking himself in. The Eriksson's look sad. Every one of them. They know what divorce does to a family. They've lived it. Erik starts to get up to follow Wille, but Simon beats him to it. The boy just puts a hand on his shoulder, "I got it."

Erik sighs, plants his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. Linda places a hand on his shoulder and rubs gently.

"Everything will work out, cariño."

—

They're not sure why they're upset. Wille doesn't even like his parents. But he supposes they have been the one constant in his life, the one aspect that would never change. But now…

"Wille," Simon says through the bathroom door. "Can I come in?"

Reaching over, they unlock the door and sit back on the edge of the tub. Simon puts the toilet lid down and sits, his knee bumping Wille's. He holds out his hand, palm up on his knee, they take it. The two of them just sit quietly for a while. Simon lets his thumb rub against Wille's skin.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Simon asks.

For a moment, it seems like Wille didn't hear him or is choosing to ignore him, but then Wille speaks, "I don't even know why I'm upset. They don't even like me. I don't even like them. So why am I upset?" They finally look up at their boyfriend with glassy eyes. Simon can tell his person, his Wille, is trying his damnedest not to cry over this.

"You're allowed to be upset. They're your parents, sweetheart." He reaches up with his free hand and tucks a lock of sandy blonde hair behind Wille's ear. They learn into the touch. Simon traces his fingers along their ear, their brow, their cheekbone before cupping his boyfriend's cheek. Wille covers his hand with their own. They turn their head into his hand and press a kiss to his palm as a single tear falls down their cheek.

"I love you, Simme," Wille's breath burns the words into the skin of his palm.

"I love you too."

They make their way back out to the kitchen hand in hand, Wille leaning on Simon. Simon kisses his temple before extracting his hand and grabbing their plates to warm them back up. Wille latches onto his brother, arms slung around his shoulders. Erik sets his fork down so he can turn in his chair to properly hug his brother.

"We'll get through this, Wille," Erik promises. His arms snug around his little brother.

"I know," Wille whispers back.

The three Eriksson's and the two Prinsson siblings finish their dinner and then crowd into the living room to watch a movie. They all squish onto the couch that comfortably fits three. Simon sits on Wille's lap, arms wrapped around his waist. Erik is squished between them and Linda with Sara on the end. They put on a cheesy romcom and pretend everything is okay for two hours.

—

Wille opened his eyes to a dark living room and a face full of curls. Simon was laying half top of them on the couch with his head on their chest sleeping soundly. He’s not sure why he woke up and now he can’t get back to sleep. Instead, he thinks about his parents and how they’re getting a divorce. About how uncertain his future is. Where is he going to live? What’s Erik going to do since he missed his final exams and graduation because he almost died? Why did his mother get so violent at the hospital? How come everything in Wilhelm’s life is so… much ? There’s always something. Always tugging them in a different direction than they expect. Honestly, it makes Wille feel like a failure. Like they earned all of this disappointment in their life because they were just born that way. He thinks about that and it’s probably true.

There’s a thought that skitters across his mind that maybe he’s the reason his parents are getting a divorce. Because he’s too much . They remember an off-hand comment their father made to their mother when he didn’t know eight year old Wilhelm was around the corner; Ludvig hadn’t even wanted another child, hadn’t wanted Wilhelm, and Kristina had agreed. That had ruined his desire for a snack, making Wilhelm run back to his room and cry because his parents didn’t want him. It made him question every time they said “I love you” and gave him affection. He questioned whether or not Erik wanted him as a brother. Wilhelm never told anyone what he had heard. He kept it bottled up for nearly nine years. And now…

Now, all of those pent up emotions that they had locked away from everyone, including themself, come spilling out of his eyes, sliding down his cheeks and flooding his lungs. All they can think now is that they’re not good enough; always a disappointment. They’ll never be good enough. Not good enough for his parents, Erik, and definitely not Simon. Simon deserves better than the child that isn’t even wanted by their parents and has been a mess their whole life. They can’t even be a proper boy without their insides feeling weird about it half the time.

Maybe Wilhelm is just wrong . Maybe…

“Wille?” Simon’s shifted and his hands are on their cheeks brushing away the streams of tears with his thumbs. “You need to breathe, Wille. Copy me,” the boy says, exaggerating his breathing, “In, hold, out. In, hold out. Good.”

Wilhelm listens to their best friend, their boyfriend, the one they don’t deserve. Their lungs burn from lack of oxygen, their throat feels like it’s closing up between each sob that wracks his body. Wille can’t see through the tears. Simon is saying that Wille is doing good, yet it feels anything but. It’s because of them that their parents are separating. It’s because of them that Erik will have a broken family. It’s because of them that their mother hates the Eriksson’s.

Somehow, he manages to gulp down some air. Lungs expand in a semi-pleasurable pain that he’s felt one too many times. His throat no longer feels like he’s being strangled. But his heart still feels like it’s in a cage too small for it and the key is lost. Much like themself. Lost adrift in an ocean of dreaded thoughts trying to drown them, pulling soul and mind in opposite directions, ripping them apart to devour them easier.

It isn’t long before exhaustion sets in and all Wilhelm wants to do is let themself sink into the darkness. Let themself be devoured by the monsters in the abyss of his mind. His breaths are shallow like a fish out of water, but at least the sobs have ebbed.

“I’ve got you, corazón,” Simon whispers against his temple, a hand in his hair, the other clutching around his shoulders. “I’ve got you.”

Limp in Simon’s arms from sheer exhaustion, Wille hopes one day he can be good enough.

Chapter Text

Wille is trying. Or at least that's what they tell themself, even though they know they aren't. They aren't okay. Haven't been since breaking down in Simon's arms two weeks ago. Everyone is worried about them, but Wilhelm can't seem to care. But they're trying. Except they aren't.

He knows he's wasting his summer closing himself off in his room while Erik takes summer classes to make up for his missed credits so he can graduate. He knows he shouldn't even be staying in his mother's house, but he felt like he was using the Eriksson's. They never felt that way, but he couldn't help feeling like a burden. All Wille felt was that he was taking up space that wasn't his to take up. Using Simon's space after Erik moved back into a dorm. The boy didn't have much room as it was and Wille felt like they were intruding. Always in the way. Their laundry using more water and power and detergent. Their showers using more hot water and dirtying more towels which led to more laundry. Wilhelm decided it was too much. They were too much of a burden.

Always a burden. Always too much, but somehow also not enough.

So, one day while everyone was out of the house, Simon was spending time with Rosh and Ayub, Linda was at work and Sara was at the stables, Wille packed up his things and walked home. Thankfully, Kristina wasn't around when he got there. They didn't want to see her. Wilhelm did their best to avoid her at all costs. The last time they were in a room together, she was violent with him, pulling him from the hospital bed where he was laying next to Erik and slamming him to the ground, nearly strangling him. That whole ordeal had been terrifying. The nurses, the guards, their mother, Simon , who they hadn't even known was there until Wilhelm was on the floor in Kristina's grip, all saw what happened. It made him feel so small.

Erik tried to make him stay at the Eriksson's, not wanting him to be around their mother, but it was hard to convince his little brother over the phone and Wille just decided he didn't care anymore. Didn't care about Kristina being abusive, only believing that they shouldn't have even been born. With that thought, Wilhelm had just come to the conclusion that the abuse was deserved. They were the accident, the mistake , that couldn't even be a proper boy , a proper son .

There's a buzzing coming from the bedside table. It's probably Simon trying to get a hold of him again. Okay, so maybe they're really, really not trying. Wilhelm has been ignoring everyone. Skipping meals and showers, not brushing his teeth. Laying in filthy sheets, wearing week old boxers and a two week old T-shirt. Wille just doesn't care. It doesn’t matter that he smells like a neglected gym duffel bag. Nothing matters.

Kristina doesn't check on them when she's home, doesn't offer them dinner. In all honesty, Wille's not even sure if she knows he's there. She must though because when he does eat, he'll have leftovers, leaving the dirty dishes in the sink. It's never as good as Linda's cooking, almost making them wish they had stayed where it was safe and warm. But then they remember they're not good enough. They're the reason their parents got divorced, they're the reason Erik got in a car accident. (Wilhelm had learned that their older brother was driving home to see them when it happened.) The reason that Linda had to scrounge some extra money for bills was also his fault.

Now, Wilhelm is hurting his boyfriend by ignoring him. Erik too. Even Linda has tried calling. It's just that Wilhelm is out of shits to give. They fucking hate themself and they don't know how to stop. They’ve hit rock bottom and it’s just one endless pit of nothing. Nothing except the voices of everyone in his life telling him he isn’t good enough.

Wilhelm can see the empty whiskey bottle under their desk from a few months ago when they nearly drowned themself in alcohol because they weren't ready to come out. It was taunting Wilhelm. Reminding them of their failures. Thinking back on it, they're surprised they didn't get alcohol poisoning. The vomiting probably helped with that. He can see the stain on the carpet when he had attempted to clean it up. It wasn't easy. The smell kept making him gag and dry heave a few times.

Their phone buzzes again. They ignore it.

Again.

Restless sleep and crying inducing nightmares fill the night. Or maybe it's daytime. Wille doesn’t know. The blackout curtains are pulled closed and the lights have been off for who knows how long. Time seems irrelevant. A construct that Wilhelm doesn't want to be involved in anymore. Much like life.

They're pulled out of sleep by images of Simon telling Wille that they're worthless, stupid, unlovable. Tears stain their cheeks. Sobs would normally break through the silence if this were the first time their mind had dreamt those things. Worthless, stupid, unlovable. Sometimes it's Simon, other times it's Erik, it's usually Ludvig and Kristina. The worst times are when Linda says it. When she stands there and looks at Wille like she could never be more disappointed in them.

Wille's arms wrap around themself, curling up into a fetal position trying to get their breathing under control.

There are noises in the hallway that catch his attention. It's the first noise he's heard other than his own breathing in days. Next thing Wille knows, the door is thrown open and there's a pissed off looking Erik and Simon standing in front of the bed. Wilhelm is utterly confused and can barely see the two in front of them as they blink against the bright lights that have been turned on. Simon's face softens just a little seeing the tears fall over Wille's face.

Erik pulls his brother out of bed, it’s reminiscent of when Kristina pulled them off the hospital bed, but Erik is gentler and makes sure Wilhelm doesn’t fall. They stumble as they're pushed towards the bathroom, the shower is turned on and they're gently shoved under the water, clothes and all.

"Don't come out until you're clean." There’s no room for discussion in Erik’s voice.

The water slowly warms as Wille shivers, there's no choice but to follow Erik's order. With the little energy they have, they manage to peel off their wet clothes and scrub soap into their hair and over every part of their body, it almost feels nice. Once all the sweat and grime have swirled down the drain, Wille takes time to appreciate the hot water hitting his skin. It helps take him out of his head a little. Wille is able to focus on the patterns the water makes over his skin rather than the constant droning of hate and self deprecation that flows through his mind. It's nice. Everything feels a little lighter, but only just. The thoughts aren't so loud, but they're sure as soon as the water stops, the thoughts will come back. So even though the hot water has run out, Wilhelm still stands there, shivering, dreading the loudness that comes with the quiet.

At some point, Erik came back and helped dry him off and put on clean clothes. Wilhelm is too lost in his mind to be embarrassed by it. Back in the bedroom, Wille notices the sheets have been changed and there's a glass of water and a plate of food on the nightstand.

Simon is sitting on their bed, back against the wall, feet hanging off the edge. He looks up at Wille with sad eyes. They know they have been an awful human being, a terrible boyfriend, a horrendous friend.

The boy pats the spot next to him, Wilhelm hesitates for a few seconds before carefully climbing onto the bed and sitting next to Simon, putting space between them. This only makes his boyfriend scoff and pulls Wilhelm into his side. Being too weak to fight it, they melt into his side, into the warmth of golden skin and dark chocolate eyes and beautiful curls.

Erik comes back into the room and slides into the space between Wille and the headboard. He leans forward to grab the plate of food and glass of water. The plate is set on Wilhelm's legs and the cup thrust into their hand. "Eat." Once again, there's no room for debate. They don’t have the energy for it anyway.

Wilhelm downs half the glass of water before he picks up a square of cheese and sticks it into his mouth. Chewing is exhausting. But they manage to eat all the cheese, a few crackers, and the satsuma (that Simon peeled for them). Simon couldn't help but steal a wedge with a shy smile as he popped it into his own mouth. At least Simon wasn't so mad at Wille that there wasn't some playfulness.

The trio sat in silence for a while after Wilhelm finished eating. Wilhelm knows he needs to say something, but it's so hard to know what to say. Is it an apology they want? Is it a reason for his isolation? Hell, it's probably both. Where do they even start?

Wilhelm chances a glance at their brother. Erik has his eyes closed, head resting back against the wall. Waiting. His foot is wiggling with impatience where it hangs over the edge of the bed. They glance at Simon. He's looking down at his hands, his fingers playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

"I'm sorry," Wille barely gets the words out. Their voice hoarse and gravelly from disuse. They clear their throat and say it again. Erik takes a slow deep breath like he's trying not to blow up, trying to give his little brother the time to say more. Simon’s body language doesn't change.

Dropping their head against the wall, Wilhelm internally groans, not wanting to speak the truth. Not wanting to say out loud that he hates himself, that he wasn't even supposed to exist.

With tears pricking their eyes for the umpteenth time in as many days they whisper, "I hate myself." Tears fall out the corner of Wilhelm's eyes as they stare at the light on the ceiling. "It's all my fault." The words come out sad and desperate and broken . A sob rips through his whole body and nearly echoes in the room.

Not a second later, four arms are around Wille, Erik's forehead is pressed to their temple, Simon's face is burrowing into their neck.

—

The first thing Wilhelm notices is there's a pounding in their head, likely from crying and sobbing for what felt like days before they fell asleep from exhaustion. The second is that there's a familiar, comfortable warmth wrapped around them. Simon . Their boyfriend is snuggled up against their back, nose nestled into the nape of their neck, soft, warm, even breaths flowing over their skin. His arm tucked over Wille's side and holding their hand against their chest. It's so right it hurts. Wilhelm has never been so comfortable and safe as they are in Simon's embrace. Even before they discovered their feelings for the boy. Simon was always safe, always felt like home.

The third thing Wille notices is the unmistakable soft snores of Erik coming from the other end of the bed. It seems that Wilhelm's breakdown tired everyone out.

Wilhelm keeps their eyes closed, unwilling to break the bubble of comfort filling the room. They're not ready to explain the words spoken earlier. Instead, the sandman pulls Wilhelm back into the grips of dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

The late afternoon sun drifts over the carpet and lands on Wilhelm’s face as the whole room fills with golden light. It's the brightest light that they've seen in days since the black out curtains have been closed since coming home a few days ago. A crease forms between his brows as he keeps his eyes shut. Realizing the light isn't going away, Wille turns into the pillow with a groan.

Now that Wilhelm's mind is awake, they realize that Simon and Erik aren't there. They're alone. This causes Wille to curl into themself and pull the blanket over their head. Of course they were left alone again. It's exhausting always being a disappointment. But then Wille thinks why would Simon and Erik even bother coming if they were just going to leave him alone again. It didn't make sense.

The door opens then and in enters Simon and Erik. Simon sees that Wille is awake and he sits down on the edge of the bed, carding his fingers through Wille's fluffy dark blonde hair. Erik sits in the desk chair.

"Hey," Simon says quietly. Wille looks up at him with unsure eyes. Simon leans down and rests his forehead against Wille's temple, nose pressing into their cheek, while his fingers play with the hair at the nape of their neck. "Wille, mi amor, I love you so much," Simon's voice is barely above a whisper, but Wille can hear him clearly. "It's not your fault, baby. It's not your fault."

Wilhelm squeezes their eyes shut against the newly forming tears. Shouldn’t they be out of tears by now? They swallow harshly past the lump once again forming in their throat and try to keep even breaths. Wille grips Simon's shirt and pulls themself toward their boyfriend. Their head ends up on Simon's lap, face buried against his belly and the arm not trapped under themself is wrapped around the other boy's waist, gripping his shirt for dear life. Simon makes quiet shushing sounds as he continues to play with their hair and Wille lets the tears fall for the millionth time.

—

Simon and Wille are curled up into each other under a warm blanket on Wille’s bed. Slender fingers are combing through Wille’s hair as his ear rests over Simon’s heart. Simon is humming quietly, the vibrations in his chest calming Wille more than he could ever realize.

In another part of the house, there are raised voices. Kristina makes shrill noises every now and then along with the deep timber of Erik’s voice resonating through the walls. Wille doesn’t know what they’re saying, Wille’s room is far enough away that the two of them can’t understand the words that are spoken. 

“Wille?” Simon’s voice is quiet and a little rough with emotion. And it’s that emotion that makes Wille tense in their boyfriend’s arms because they know whatever Simon is about to say is going to sting. They know they fucked up quite a few things lately and the person Wille hates disappointing the most is the boy holding them. Simon always makes Wille feel like they matter, like they’re precious and worth looking after. Their boyfriend presses Wille into his warm body, tightening his arm around Wille’s shoulders and holding their head against his chest before he speaks again. “Why did you leave?”

They should have been expecting that question. Wille really should have been expecting that question. And yet, he was expecting to be asked why he hated himself. Honestly, he’s not sure which one is worse. Neither of which they wish to answer. Neither have good answers, just embarrassing ones that Wille is sure Simon is going to be mildly upset about.

“Please, baby?” Simon’s desperate whisper pulls Wille back to the here and now. “It hurt so much when we all came home and you were gone and there was no note,” he sniffled. “And then you wouldn’t answer your phone or reply to texts. We had to get Erik involved, but he couldn’t get a hold of you either and then he was at my door and we were coming here to get you. I understand that you’re having a hard time with your parents and their… divorce, but I don’t get why you left us.” Simon let out a shaky breath. “Left me.”

Left me . 

Those two words make Wille’s heart clench. They prop themself up on an elbow and look down at Simon whose eyelashes are wet with tears, wet temples and quivering bottom lip. Wille fists his hand into Simon’s hoodie. “Förlåt,” Wille whispers, tears already blurring his vision. "Förlåt." Squeezing their eyes shut and resting their forehead against Simon’s shoulder, Wille lets the words flow. “I- I didn’t want to be a burden. I- god, fuck." Their fist briefly clenches tighter into the fabric of Simon's hoodie. "I was causing more problems for Linda. I could see her stressing more since taking us in, Erik and I.” Wille takes several deep breaths, Simon’s hand makes soothing circles across Wille’s back; encouraging, waiting. “Just didn’t want Linda to think I was taking advantage of her. Didn’t want her to hate me too.” They manage to swallow down a sob before it can escape, but not before it makes their body shudder. Simon presses his lips to Wille’s hair.

“Oh, Wille.”

“They didn’t want me. My parents.” Simon’s hand stills on Wille’s back before resuming its path. “One night, when I was eight, I heard my dad say he hadn’t wanted a second kid and my mamma agreed with him. Ever since then, I’ve questioned every time they told me that they loved me.” Wille lifts his head, eyes red and drowning in tears. “It’s my fault, Simon. It’s my fault they’re getting divorced. It’s my fault Erik got in an accident. It’s my fault…” Wille’s voice is cut off with a sob before they dive into the crook of Simon’s shoulder unable to form words anymore.

Simon holds Wille close and cries along with his boyfriend. Both hurting with the pain of being unwanted by parents. Wille knew about Micke, Simon's father. The man had turned into an alcoholic before becoming a full on druggy when Simon and Sara were young, before Wille met Simon in kindergarten. Simon had told Wilhelm early in their friendship that he had felt like he hadn't been good enough for his father and that's why Micke had turned to substance abuse. Wille hadn't believed that for a second as Simon was the best person in Wille's life. Wilhelm had just believed Micke to be stupid.

Micke nearly destroyed the Eriksson household as Wilhelm knew it. Alcohol made the man loud and threatening, the drugs made him violent. Thankfully, Linda had gotten all of them out of there, making a new, safer home for her children.

"Jag älskar dig, Wille," Simon whispered, lips brushing against their temple after both boys had calmed down.

Wille shifted and nudged their noses together before closing the distance between their lips. The kiss was soft, both pairs of lips tasted like salt and desperation.

"Jag älskar dig, Simme."

A calmness settles over both of them as they exchanged chaste kisses and nuzzles. It isn't long though before the guilt starts clawing its way up Wilhelm's throat.

"Förlåt," Wille murmurs against Simon's cheek before placing a kiss there. He continues apologizing and kissing a new part of his boyfriend, any part he can reach. Simon is smiling and giggling quietly at Wille's antics, but tears still manage to leak out of the corners of his eyes and Wille kisses them away. "I won't leave you again. I never want to leave you again."

The boy beneath him sighed and his smile fell. Wille knew they were well out of chances and once again, felt guilty for taking advantage of Simon's forgiving nature, but losing Simon was like losing a lung. Breathing was near impossible without Simon in their life.

Staring into Simon's dark chocolate eyes, Wille spoke, "I will do my best to be open and honest with you. You mean everything to me, Simon. Everything . And I'm so sorry I fucked it up again. I love you."

Their boyfriend gave Wille a sad smile. "I know you're going through a lot. Just, please , talk to me." His fingers ran through Wille's hair. "Please."

Wilhelm nodded furiously before bringing their lips together again.

—

Packing up all of their things felt weird. Wilhelm had only ever lived in one place and now… Now they are moving into the Eriksson's house. Younger Wilhelm would have been ecstatic to be moving in with their best friend, but at this moment all it felt was forced. Mostly, it felt like their life was just falling apart. Well, even more so after figuring out they didn’t entirely feel like a boy, then Erik being in a coma, their parents getting a divorce and Wilhelm basically being kicked out of their home. Everything Wille has ever known has been shoved in a blender and what’s coming out is hardly recognizable.

Kristina was selling their childhood home and moving into an apartment somewhere in Stockholm. Wille didn't really care where. Ludvig was already happily somewhere else with someone else and once again Wilhelm didn't care. The parents Wille was born to hadn't wanted him in the first place and they weren't fighting to keep him now. That fact made Wilhelm's chest ache. Healing from this would take a considerable amount of time, but thankfully, they had Erik, Simon, and Linda to help them through it.

Wilhelm ended up donating most of their things having not touched most of it in years, resulting in only having a few boxes to move into Simon's room. Guilt still gnawing at Wille's insides from being an added burden to Linda even though Erik had kept reassuring them that both of their parents would essentially be paying Linda some form of child support.

The last box settles onto the floor in Simon's now very crowded room. Simon had managed to make room for Wilhelm's clothes in the dresser and closet and the guilt made their heart twinge.

"Stop it."

Simon was standing in the doorway, leaning his shoulder against the frame with his arms crossed over his chest. "I could hear you thinking from downstairs," he drops his arms as he walks over to his boyfriend. He takes both of Wille's hands in his, "You're not a burden. We want you here. I want you here." Dark eyes darting back and forth between Wille's honey brown ones, like he's searching for something that Wille doesn't understand.

Wille is the first one to break eye contact because, fuck, it was too intense. There's a soft brush of a thumb against his cheek catching a tear he didn't know had escaped. They bury their face against Simon's neck as he sniffles because they're tired of pushing this boy away. Tired of every awful thought zooming around in the head. Tired of being lonely. Tired of hating himself, but he just can't stop.

A soft hand cards through their hair. "I've got you, mi amor ." Simon cradles their head against his neck, lightly scratching at their scalp while their other hand is splayed over the small of their back, holding them close. Wille's body shakes, bringing their arms around their boyfriend. Fingers clings to the fabric of a T-shirt as Wille finally lets themself have comfort, to take the comfort that they so desperately need. And Simon gives it. Freely and lovingly. "I've got you."

Chapter Text

"You will never be good enough! You are worthless! We didn't even want you in the first place!!" Kristina yells at Wilhelm. There are tears cascading down their face, arms up trying to protect themself from their mother's hands. She just grabs their wrists, hard enough to leave bruises.

"Please stop!" Wille wails. Their heart aches, they can't breathe, their wrists hurt . Kristina spits words at her son's face causing him to flinch. Ludvig stands nearby, but doesn't try to intervene, too preoccupied with something else. Erik isn't there to save him. Wilhelm falls to the floor when Kristina forcefully lets go. They hit the ground hard , every point of contact with the ground burns and stings, the air whooshes out of their lungs. It's surprising that they haven't blacked out yet. Wilhelm wishes he would. Wishes it so much. Even if it's just to be free of the pain for a moment.

"You are nothing!" She spits, nothing but contempt on her face. "Nothing, Wille!"

"No," Wille sobs.

"Wille!"

Wilhelm shakes his head furiously, "No," he cries.

"Wille, wake up!"

With a gasp, Wilhelm is transported back to the real world. Their eyes meet Simon's concerned face before screwing them shut again and letting a sob wrack through his whole body. Tears soak Wilhelm's face and sweat coats every part of their skin, but Simon caresses their cheek and presses soft kisses and reassurances into sweaty hair and moist cheeks. Safe arms hold them as they shake.

"It was just a nightmare. I'm here. I've got you."

Wille clings to Simon. Clings like their life depends on it. Anything to keep rooted in reality where love is given freely, not stuck in the dark recesses of anxiety and depression where hate and neglect are flung with such disgust. 

Eventually, Simon coaxes Wille into the shower. Simon doesn't leave, every time he tries Wille starts freaking out, so he stays, like always. It isn't the first time this has happened since Wille officially moved in a couple weeks ago. Waking up drenched in sweat from a nightmare, followed by cuddles and a shower. They end up naked together under the spray because Wille can't stand to be alone after those nights. Nothing happens though, there's just a softness, an intimacy of being cared for. Nothing more. Simon just helps peel his boyfriend's sweaty pajamas off of them, helps wash their hair and body because Wille is too exhausted to really function properly.

Wille shouldn't feel bad for letting Simon take care of them, but they do feel bad. Every single night, nightmares plague his sleep. Some are worse than others. And they're sure they ruin Simon's sleep with the thrashing. Simon's never washed his sheets so much in all his life, but he doesn't complain. He just worries and does his best to comfort his boyfriend.

Erik wants Wille to see a therapist. Wille thinks it's unnecessary, which is stupid because they know they suffer from untreated depression and severe anxiety. Linda and Simon and Sara also think he should see a therapist. Ayub and Rosh also might have hinted at it. So, maybe Wilhelm should think about it. He has thought about it.

Simon is helping Wille wash the soap out of their hair when they say, "I think I'm ready to see a therapist." Fingers still in their hair for just a moment before they move again.

"Yeah?" Simon sounds hopeful. Wille hums. "I'm proud of you," Simon adds before pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's shoulder.

"Hold me?" Wille feels small and vulnerable, but they know Simon loves them. Nothing, but water separates their naked bodies. Warm water flows over soft clean skin as Simon starts humming a tune that Wille can't place. It's comforting. They close their eyes and get lost in the sweet melody and soft skin, letting it curl around them, making them feel safe and wanted and cared for. Last night's nightmare slips down the drain.

Fingers comb through their wet hair. Wille smooths their own fingers over Simon's bare back. Soft kisses are placed against Wille's neck, he can't help it when he angles his head to give Simon better access. It's involuntary. The thumping in their chest picks up along with their breathing. Wille gets lost in the feel of Simon's soft wet lips on their skin.

"Simme," they breathe. A warmth floods through their body that hasn't been felt in a long time, their mind having been too consumed with darkness. But today, today there is light, golden and glowing pulling them from the depths with a sweet smile and dark curls. Fingers dig into the skin of their back and grip their hair. Wille lets his hand slide down Simon's back until his fingers reach the swell of Simon's ass.

"Wille," Simon whines against their skin, "Please." Wilhelm's palm covers one cheek and gives a tentative squeeze. Simon breath hitches. They're suddenly aware of every single point of contact, how intimate and sensual it is. It doesn't pass Wille's mind that this is their first time. An intimacy Wille never thought fathomable for themself. And yet… and yet, here it is, in their arms is the boy they never thought would love them back. It's the first time they've been this close. The first time Wille has been this close to any other soul. First time bringing each other sweet bliss. Soft noises are swallowed up and inhaled. It's short and sweet and everything .

Wille repeatedly whispers how much they appreciate and love Simon as they struggle to dry off because both have to touch each other at all times. After what they had just shared, letting go just isn't an option. Simon and Wille are closer now than they've ever been making it hard for Wille to remember why they ever worried.

Finally, hand in hand, they make it downstairs for breakfast. Linda smiles at them as they haphazardly pour two bowls of cereal. "You know, it would be easier if you let go of each other," she says fondly.

"We know," Simon says before tugging Wille towards the fridge to put the milk away. Wille follows obediently. They share a private smile before making their way to the table.

Clearing their throat, Wille says, "Linda, would you mind helping me, uh," Simon squeezes their hand, "Helping me find a, a uh, a therapist," they finish, eyes glued to their cereal.

"Oh, of course, mi amor ," she places her hand next to their bowl letting them make the choice for contact. Wille reaches up and takes it without question. Linda's smile widens, crinkling her eyes.

—

Simon is sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room when Wille comes out of his first session. His head pops up from where he was looking at his phone when he hears the door, the bright smile on his face fades into a look of concern when Wille aggressively brushes the tears from his cheeks.

“Come here, cariño,” Simon murmurs as they meet in the middle of the room. Wille is more or less scooped into Simon’s arms. “I’ve got you.” Simon drags his fingers through Wille’s hair, lightly scratching at the base of their skull. “Mamá should be here now, wanna go home?” Simon asks after a few moments. All they can do is nod and sniffle against Simon’s neck.

The whole car ride home, Wille is glued to their boyfriend's side. Tears quietly slip down his cheeks and onto the shoulder of Simon’s purple hoodie where his head rests as he thinks over the last hour. They had felt comfortable with Boris, the therapist that they and Linda had found, and Wille knew it would be hard to talk about everything, but fuck… Wille felt even more fucked up than they already thought they were. It made Wille realize that it would be quite a while before mental illness didn’t rule their life, having been told that his struggle with mental health would be a continuous battle. For at least quite some time, possibly for the rest of their life. Boris had made it very clear that things would become easier and that recovery and healing isn't a straight line. Sometimes there are setbacks; there will probably always be bad days, but they should become few and far between as time passes.

Wilhelm knew he was on his way to recovery though. Boris was friendly and never made Wille feel judged. The Eriksson's as well as Erik were a wonderful support system that Wille would definitely need and utilize as time progressed. 

"Simme?" Wille tilts their head so they can see Simon's face. The boy looks at him with something akin to adoration. "I love you," Wille whispers after letting his eyes take in the beautiful boy at his side.

That soft private smile that Simon seems to only reserve for them finds its way onto his face, a softness in his eyes. Twisting his neck, he presses their lips together, softly and sweetly. "I love you, too, Wille." With his free hand, he brushes away stray tears that haven't dried and Wille leans into the touch before snuggling impossibly closer into Simon. 

—

Sitting at the kitchen table, Simon stuffs forkfuls of spaghetti into his mouth, Sara rolls her eyes at his ridiculousness. Linda shakes her head fondly at them while Wille slowly eats their dinner. They have been very quiet since the appointment with Boris, replaying the whole session over and over. Sometimes making themself burst into tears randomly throughout the afternoon to which Simon fusses over them even though Wille reassures that everything is fine.

Brought out of their musings when Linda places a hand on Wille's forearm, he looks at her, waiting. Linda gives Wille a soft smile, "Did you want to talk about your session today? You don't have to, of course." 

"Oh, uhm," Wille hadn't really thought about sharing his sessions, but the way Linda was looking at them with her heart in her hand and love in her eyes, maybe it would be okay. "Maybe after dinner?" They hadn't meant for that to come out as a question.

Her smile grows, Wille loves that smile. "Whenever you want. And if you change your mind, that's fine too. Either way, I'm proud of you, cariño." Linda gives their arm a squeeze before going back to her meal. Wille just stares at her though. Then that familiar feeling of tears pricking at the back of their eyes is there, breathing gets a tiny bit uncomfortable, and Wille's bottom lip starts quivering slightly. Looking back up, Linda's face becomes one of worry. "Mi amor, what's wrong?"

"You- you're," Wille sucks in a breath, "proud of me?" Their voice is so quiet and broken with tears Wille is surprised that Linda can understand them.

She sets down her fork and kneels down next to Wille's chair, "Of course I'm proud of you, Wille." Warm hands cup their face and wipe at the tears before bringing Wille into a warm, motherly embrace.

Wille clings to her for several minutes as their breath calms. "Nobody has ever been proud of me before."

"Hey!" Simon cries, obviously feeling a bit put out by that statement. Simon has mentioned multiple times how proud he is of his boyfriend.

His outcry makes Wille laugh wetly and pull back from Linda, hands resting on her shoulders. "Besides you, Simme. And you're my best friend and my boyfriend, so I'm not sure if you count," Wille teases. Simon scowls playfully at his boyfriend, arms crossed over his chest like a petulant child. Wille reaches out a hand to Simon who instantly throws his hand out to take. "I love you," they mouth. Simon squeezes Wille's hand in response, that soft smile tugging at his lips again.

"Oh my god, stop already," Sara whines at the boys' disgustingly adorable display of affection.

"Oh hush, Sara. They're adorable," Linda halfheartedly reprimands.

The rest of dinner remains tear free. Sara talks about her job at the stables, Wille asks her about the horses and which one is her favorite. Under the table, Wille nudges their foot against Simon's who hooks their ankles together. A quick, private smile is shared that neither of the ladies seem to catch before going back to the conversation.

Chapter Text

Wille finds themself at the football field one hot and muggy summer evening to watch Rosh’s game with Simon and Ayub. They hadn’t really wanted to go out, but it’s the last game of the summer season and they felt bad. And that’s how they find themself holding a hot dog and cheering even though they’re already dangerously low on spoons for the day.

That’s a new thing that Boris has been helping Wille with. How to get through a day and how to explain it to others when they’ve just had enough. The Spoon Theory. Spoons are used as a visual representation of how much energy a person has in a day. For Wille, on one day, some tasks take one or two spoons, but can take more on another day. Existing is more or less exhausting for Wille. Wilhelm’s official diagnosis is chronic depression and severe anxiety. The medication was said to take a few months to really start working, but the side effects have already started. Fatigue and dizziness are common for them now. It wasn't out of the ordinary now for Wille to fall asleep during a movie or video game or just hanging out with everyone. Sometimes if Wille moves too fast or just kind of exists, his head starts swimming and he needs to lay down before possibly passing out.

Today, Wille woke up not wanting to leave the comfort of the blankets covering their body. Their mind floating somewhere between numb and self-hatred causing everything to take more spoons than usual. Which means, they’re already borrowing spoons from tomorrow. Simon knows this and reminded Wille that they could sleep in and take it easy on Saturday. For now though, Wille yells, “Go Rosh!”

Their boyfriend leans over and presses a kiss to Wille’s tacky, sunscreen lathered shoulder that has become home to several freckles over the last two weeks. He would do more, Wille knows, but having to walk to the field made them both hotter and sweatier than they would normally be in this weather. Wille can’t wait to get home and take a cold shower. Preferably with Simon, but that seems unlikely with Linda and Sara home. And well, his energy level is sure to plummet before they even make it to the end of the game.

When the ladies of the house are gone, Wille and Simon may take advantage of the alone time. Just the other day, they were cooling off under the cold water after playing a round of football with Rosh and Ayub when things turned heated. In a much more pleasant way than sweating balls in the blistering sun like they're currently doing.

They've learned a bit more about the other's body since the first time, but Wille wanted to do more. Give Simon more; to show his boyfriend how much they loved him. Wille had no idea how much they would love getting on their knees for Simon; how much they yearned to coax certain sounds out of the boy. They loved it; the weight on their tongue and the flavor that was so uniquely and undeniably Simon.

Glancing over at Simon, Wille sees a bead of sweat slide down glorious golden skin on their boyfriend's neck as he brings his hands up to his mouth to amplify his yelling. Wille wants to taste it. Without giving it a second thought, they quickly press an open mouth kiss there, darting their tongue out briefly. Simon shivers despite the temperature.

"Wille," Simon admonishes quietly. His dark eyes darting over Wille's face who is trying to play innocent. Simon just shakes his head fondly, obviously not actually upset if the grin creeping onto his face as he turns back to the field is anything to go by. The three of them cheer for Bjärstad and for Rosh. 

It’s late and the sun is just starting to touch the horizon now. Wille feels like he could sleep for days. The heat has always made them sluggish. They wish it were winter now if only so holding Simon’s hand didn’t make Wille overheat. Another side effect of the medication: night sweats and overheating.

Before they know it, Bjärstad wins. Like they always do; Wille is confident Rosh is the best teenage football player in the country. She is their star player and if she likes, could definitely get a full ride scholarship to any university anywhere. They all jump on Rosh, congratulating her. She dumps a cold water bottle over her head. Wille is a bit jealous, but she deserves it, they’ve just been standing around unlike her.

“Hey, you okay?” Simon asks as he pulls Wille aside, away from the celebrating when he notices Wille kind of spacing out. Wille nods. Simon raises an eyebrow, definitely not believing them.

“Just tired. I’m on negative spoons at this point,” Wille confesses, carding a hand through their sweaty hair. Maybe they should get it cut.

Simon frowns. “We can go home.”

“No, no. We promised.”

There's always an after game party at the pizzeria that they've skipped out on too many times because of Wille. They had promised Rosh that they would make it for the final one.

They’re met with a resigned sigh. “Okay, corazón. Just,” he bites his lip, “Just don’t let this push you too far, yeah? Tell me if it's too much?"

Wille nods, knowing perfectly well what Simon is referring to. Just a week ago, Wille had pushed themself beyond what they should have. Doing their best to help Linda clean the house and help with yardwork as well as going to the store on their own and socializing with their friends on top of a therapy appointment the previous day. It had been a rough couple days after when Wille just refused to leave the bed. Exhaustion weighed heavy on their bones, but also wouldn’t stop berating themself for not being able to handle a normal person's amount of activity. Simon had been a little more than worried, with good reason as he was obviously afraid Wille would revert back to his self-destructive days from barely eight weeks ago.

The pizza is delicious and the atmosphere is upbeat, but Wille is fading. Simon watches him as he pulls into himself. Wille moves to a corner behind a large potted plant, sliding to the floor when the din gets to be too much.

“Wille?” Simon looks and sounds worried as he crouches into their space, careful not to touch. Just in case. Wille can’t blame him. The behavior he’s exhibiting isn’t normal, even for them.

They shake their head, “It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s just loud. Maybe a little dizzy.” Pushing their hair out of their eyes, Wille adds, “Go, have fun. I just need a minute.”

“Can I touch you?” Simon asks, lifting his hand to just a few millimeters away from Wille’s cheek. Rather than answering, Wille leans in and closes the distance. Simon sighs in relief as he lets his thumb caress Wille’s too warm cheek. “I’m going to get you something cold.” A kiss is placed on Wille’s forehead before Simon leaves and quickly comes back, snaking through the exuberant crowd. “Here, mi amor,” Simon says as he squats next to Wille.

Wille wraps his fingers around the cold glass bottle, giving Simon a thankful smile. “Tack, Simme.”

“Of course,” he replies fondly. “I’ll always take care of you.” Simon presses a lingering kiss to Wille’s temple after sweeping back some of their hair. Wille lets out a contented sigh.

Simon asks again if they’re okay and Wille says, “Yes,” before shooing him away to actually have some fun. Wille spends the rest of the night hydrating and watching their boyfriend laugh and talk to everyone in the room. Biting their lip, Wille wonders if they’ll ever be normal again. If they’ll ever be able to be like Simon and laugh so openly and loudly in a space with more than just the people he knows without feeling like they’re pretending, like they won’t be absolutely exhausted the moment the air turns quiet.

After the celebration at the pizzeria, Simon helps Wille shower as they barely have the energy to stand and neither of them want to go to bed being a sweaty mess. Wille is sad that all of his energy is gone. Their thoughts from earlier at the game flood back in when Simon bends over to grab the washcloth he dropped. His cheeks flush at the thought. If only they had had a nap today.

“Tack så mycket, Simme,” Wille slurs as they waddle to their room feeling clean and much cooler.

“Of course, Wille,” he whispers back, tucking in his boyfriend before curling in behind them and pulling them close. Wille wiggles in Simon’s arms, feeling loved. “Te amo,” Simon says sweetly before pressing his lips against their neck.

“Jag alskar dig, Simme.”

—

The last month of summer was better than the rest of the last year despite the overextension of his spoons. Boris has been a very good weekly addition to Wille's life. Yes, the therapy sessions are exhausting and drain them for the next couple of days, but the rest of the week, Wille smiles and laughs, helps with chores and enjoys time with Simon, Ayub, Rosh, Linda and Sara. His new family. (Which also includes Erik, obviously.)

Most of the time anyway.

But they were okay.

Simon loves him. Linda loves him. Erik loves him. Wille is starting to not hate themself. It’s probably one of the hardest things he has ever done. Learning to love himself was harder than Wilhelm had ever thought it could be. Before Boris, they had never realized how deep their self-loathing ran. It was so ingrained in Wille in such a way that Wille had a hard time discerning it from the rest of their personality.

It took a lot out of Wille to accept a compliment. Even from Simon. Most of the time, Wille would say they were thankful, but internally fight it. Convince themself that the affirmation wasn't actually spoken with sincerity. On good days, accepting a kind word was so much easier. Simpler. Almost second nature. It was nice.

But today was one of those days when as the day went on, the negativity swelled. Slowly taking over Wille’s sea of thoughts, pulling them down in an attempt to drown. After a third round of losing a card game they were good at, Wille decided to have some alone time. 

Wille was laying in bed on their back staring at the ceiling, knees pulled up, arms thrown over their torso, not quite in a personal hug, but close enough, when Simon came into their room a while later. He was just checking on Wille. Making sure Wille wasn't spiraling in their thoughts. They weren’t, just appreciating the sound of the fish tank filter in the otherwise stillness of their room.

"Can I?" Simon asks as he gestures to the spot next to his boyfriend. Wille hums their approval and Simon is immediately crowding Wille's space by throwing an arm over their chest and somehow manages to tangle a leg with one of Wille's. Their eyes close and hum contentedly, the warm contact of their boyfriend is always soothing.

Fingers interlock as Simon's breath ghosts over the skin of Wille's neck. Wille turns their head into Simon's, rubbing his cheek over Simon's nose and forehead. The curly haired boy quietly giggles and snuggles closer.

After a few minutes of cuddles, Simon breaks the silence, “Mamá wants to know what flavor you want for your birthday cake.” His fingers draw random patterns over Wille’s chest. Wille had completely forgotten their birthday was coming up; they legitimately have no idea what day it is. He doesn’t even know what day of the week today is.

“Uh,” Wille drones.

“You forgot about your birthday, didn’t you?” Simon lifts his head and lets a sly grin creep onto his face. It wouldn’t be the first time, nor will it be the last. Wille is kind of notorious for forgetting his own birthday. A laugh jumps out of Simon’s mouth when Wille groans at Simon’s teasing. “Don’t worry, I got you, babe,” Simon says before smacking his lips against Wille’s.

Wille wraps their arms around their boyfriend’s neck, pulling him down to kiss him properly. Lips meeting softly and sweetly, both of them smiling into it. It doesn’t take long for teenagers to be teenagers though after Wille’s fingers sneak into the curls at the base of Simon’s skull. Breathing becomes heavy as they start to lose themselves in each other.

—

Erik is on his way home having finally completed his final credits to graduate. It feels weird to not be going to his childhood home. Though, he supposes that where he is going is somewhat of a childhood home, at least to Wille. Erik had been there enough times when he was younger to know his way around the kitchen, so maybe it counted as his as well.

Pulling his car into the carpark outside of the Eriksson house, he lets out a sigh. Nobody knows that he’s going to be home tonight. It is supposed to be a surprise for Wille’s birthday. His birthdays have always been celebrated here. Their parents were always too busy with work trips or other commitments they didn’t care to move around leaving Wille alone as he turned yet another year older. 

Looking towards the dining room window, he sees Wille setting the table. His hair is longer he notices, it’s tied back in a small messy bun and he’s wearing what looks like Simon’s hoodie as the cuffs of the sleeves barely make it to his wrists. Erik chuckles before opening the door and getting into the trunk to grab his bags. He stands on the stoop and knocks three times and watches as Wille whips his head to look out the window. The slow grin that spreads over his brother’s face is worth the surprise. Wille darts to the door and throws it open before vaulting into Erik’s arms.

"Hej lillebror, careful, my knee," Erik chuckles. The damage to his knee from the accident refuses to heal fully. Sometimes making him resort to using a cane. But at least he's alive to see his little brother who looks happy . They've talked a lot while he's been making up credits at uni, so he knows Wille has been healing emotionally, but to see it is a whole other experience.

"Sorry!" Wille pulls back, a flash of concern etches his face as he glances down before the grin takes over his face again. “Mamá didn’t say you were coming home. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Wille calling Linda “mamá” is new and Erik doesn’t hate it. It feels right. Almost like she was meant to be their parent the whole time. Slightly removed of course otherwise dating Simon would be awkward. But Erik is happy that Wille has a proper family now. One that cares for him and makes sure he takes care of himself.

“Mamá?” Erik queries quietly, a softness coating his features. Wille pulls their lips in as their eyes go wide before slapping their hands over their face. A boisterous laugh leaps out of Erik’s throat. “Oh, lillebror, come here,” he teases, grabbing Wille in a headlock and ruffling their hair.

“No!” Wille screeches and laughs as they try to get away.

“Boys!” Linda shows her face. “You’re letting all the cold out! Get your butts in here!” She shoos them into the house so she can shut the door. Linda shakes her head with fondness. “It’s nice to see you, mi amor,” she whispers to Erik, placing a hand on his shoulder as she plants a kiss on his cheek before going back to the kitchen. It isn’t long before his cheeks start hurting from watching Simon and Wille be weirdos together. Erik can’t remember the last time he smiled so much.

He especially can’t remember a time when Wille was so quick to laugh. Erik knows Wille still has bad days; still suffers from anxiety and depression, but the good days have started to outweigh the bad. And Erik couldn't be happier.

He kind of hates their parents as he looks around and sees how much of Wille has made its way into each corner of this house. All of his shoes and coats are in the entryway; new pictures of Wille, Wille and Simon, the whole family mixed in with all the other photos. As Wille helps Linda with their own birthday cake and the sparkle in their eyes. Kristina and Ludvig raised Wille to more or less be self-sufficient through a bit of neglect. Never showing affection when Wille needed it or even when they didn’t. Their parents had never been like that with Erik. They cared for Erik, loved him, treated him like the perfect son. Erik just wishes he noticed the neglect, noticed how much Wille was floundering to be a person. How much Wille so desperately craved to be seen by their own parents. The guilt sits heavy in his heart if he thinks about it too long. Though, he’s really not sure what he could have done to have made their parenting any better. They didn’t want Wille. Kristina had called him a mistake, an unfortunate accident and Ludvig didn’t disagree.

Erik doesn’t know what it was like for Wille growing up like that, but seeing them now and how they interact with Simon, Sara and Linda, seeing how comfortable his little brother is in their new home compared to how they used to be makes something settle in his heart.

Ayub and Rosh burst into the house without knocking with a couple of wrapped gifts. Wille says they didn't have to, still as humble as ever. Everyone sings to them, Wille's eyes are wide, shining and happy. Erik hugs him tight after they pass out slices of the delicious tres leches cake.

"Happy birthday, lillebror," Erik cheers before planting a sloppy kiss on his brother's cheek. 

"Hey!" But Wille isn't upset, their face splits in half with a huge grin.

"No, mine!" Simon cries as he collapses into Wille's lap and rubs Erik's slobber off their cheek. Erik watches how Wille's eyes shift to something full of adoration when they look at Simon and yeah, Wille is going to be okay.