Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was Aaron’s turn next, and Neil gripped his hand tighter around his can of soda. They didn’t antagonize each other as much anymore, but that wasn’t saying much. This time, though, Aaron was making direct eye contact with Nicky, so Neil figured he was safe. “Never have I ever,” Aaron said, almost matching Andrew with the self-satisfaction in his voice, “worn a skirt.”

Neil accidentally crushed the soda can in his hand while Renee, Dan, Allison, and Nicky drank. “Neil,” Renee said, putting down her matching can of soda as the others refilled their shot glasses, “are you all right?”

He—he, definitely he, not anything else—nodded. “Yeah, sorry. Just got distracted thinking of something.”

“Andrew?” Matt guessed. “He and Kevin will be back from their trip tomorrow. You can make it one more night, right?”

“You can sleep over in our room if yours is too quiet!” Nicky suggested, a little louder than was probably polite. Though he’d been a sheltered child, his time in Germany since then had led to a lot of drinks for him tonight. Soon, Renee would replace the bottle of alcohol with a pitcher of water.

“No, I’m fine.”

“All right,” Renee said. “Well, you’ve all had enough to drink and I have learned more about some of you than I perhaps wanted to know. Everyone get some water in you; I’ll be back with pizza. Neil, come grab it with me?”

Neil wouldn’t call himself—Neil didn’t consider himself—Neil wasn’t the paragon of intelligence, but he—he was about to start swearing at the voice in his head because he didn’t have time for this. He knew that Renee was going to try to make him talk about things, had probably called the pizza in as soon as Never Have I Ever had started knowing that someone would have a breakdown at some point.

He wished Andrew was there to help him instead.

He was glad Andrew wasn’t there to see through him.

“Neil,” Renee said as they waited to the elevator. “It’s okay for men to wear skirts. It’s okay for people to explore different things. Each person can decide for themself what they feel comfortable wearing.”

“Andrew picks out my clothes,” Neil said. “You all thought my clothing was terrible when I showed up here. And now you don’t. Why would I change that?”

“Did you feel more comfortable in the clothing you originally had?”

The elevator dinged, and they got in. “I blended in better.”

“I thought you turned down the FBI because you were tired of blending in? You get to choose now. If you like having Andrew pick out your clothes, then you should do that. But if there’s something else you’d like better, you know he wouldn’t want you to hold yourself back for his sake. Or rather, I would hope you know that by now.”

The elevator dinged again. As promised, a stack of pizzas was waiting at the main desk for them.

“Andrew doesn’t like women,” Neil said.

“Wearing a skirt doesn’t make you a woman,” Renee said.

Neil sighed. “I don’t know how to talk about this. It’s not—this isn’t a normal problem. This isn’t something that I can just ask Andrew to stab or Kevin to show me at night practice.”

“Does Andrew stab your homework, or does Kevin show you how to do it at night practice?”

“Kevin shows me how to do it at night practice. But he can’t show me how to be a person. How to be—how to be a man.”

“You’re already a person. And you don’t have to be a man.”

“Andrew—”

“No,” Renee said firmly. “This is not about Andrew. I know how much you two care about each other, but this is about you. If you don’t know how to start talking about it, could I ask you a few questions to get you started?”

“I guess.”

“You can tell me to stop at any time, okay?”

Neil nodded.

“So have you worn a skirt before?”

Yes or no question. Alright, he(?) could do this. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“My mom told me to. Sometimes she had me be a girl, when we were on the run.”

“Oh,” Renee said. “Is that why you freaked out? Because it had to do with your mom? I know you don’t generally like to talk about her, at least not with the team.”

He took a deep breath. “It’s complicated.”

“Do you ever miss when people thought you were a girl?”

And that was it. That was what Neil kept thinking about. “I don’t know, Renee. I can’t tell if I miss being a girl or if I miss being changing.”

“There are people whose identity changes over time, and people who fall in between or outside being a man or a woman, and people who at first seem like one type of person from their body but grow up and become another type of person from their mind.”

“Really?”

“You’re talking to one of them. I am a woman, but when I was born, my mother thought I was a boy because that’s what my body suggested. This isn’t common knowledge. On the team, only Dan, Allison, and Andrew know. So I’d appreciate you not sharing it. But if you feel like you might not match with your body, I understand. And so would Andrew.”

“But he’s gay.”

“And you don’t swing, Neil. Those are general things. When it comes to specific people, those things can sometimes change.”

“Then why didn’t you and Andrew get together instead?”

“Because I’m in love with Allison, Neil, and she hasn’t had eyes for anyone but Seth since our freshman year, and then to make a move now would make it seem like I was waiting for him to die. So I will be happy to have my friendships and that will be that.”

“Oh.” Neil took another deep breath and decided not to touch the Allison and Seth issue—he had never understood their relationship and wouldn’t pretend to now. “Wait, so… how did you know you weren’t a boy if everyone thought you were?”

“At first I thought I just liked the clothes. Girls’ clothes are so fun, you know? Pretty colors, swishy skirts… but then I realized I didn’t want people to think of me as a boy who was wearing girl’s clothes. I didn’t want it to be special that I was wearing them. It was just who I was supposed to be. A girl.”

“I don’t think I’m supposed to be a girl,” Neil said. “I didn’t like the colors. I like to wear calmer shades—it makes me calmer. I mean, I like Palmetto orange, of course… but that’s because it represents all of you. I wouldn’t like it ordinarily.”“What clothes you wear doesn’t determine who you are. It’s inside you. You know it, somewhere, or you did. You just have to let yourself find it.”

Neil sat down on one of the couches. “I like being Neil Josten. But I don’t always like being ‘he.’ It feels like it’s just one part of me… being called him feels like I’m hiding all of the times I was ‘her’. Because sometimes I felt good being ‘her’... but sometimes I felt like that wasn’t enough, either.”

“So, sometimes you feel more like a girl and sometimes you feel more like a boy?”

“No, sometimes I feel not very strongly like anything, so it doesn’t matter which one people call me. But sometimes I feel so strongly all of it, so then neither he or she is enough, because it feels like half of me is being ignored.”

Renee nodded. “Have you heard of being nonbinary?”

Neil shook his (his and her?) head.

Renee pulled up a picture on their phone. It was a flag with four stripes: yellow, white, purple, and black. “This is the nonbinary flag.” She pointed at each stripe as she spoke. “There are nonbinary people in the yellow area, with a gender separate from male or female; in the white area, with multiple genders; in the purple area, with a gender that combines male and female; or in the black area, without gender.”

“So… sometimes I’m black and sometimes I’m white, then? Or sometimes black and sometimes purple? I don’t know.”

“Well, maybe that’s why you like gray so much?”

“Maybe.” Suddenly, this whole gender thing didn’t seem quite so scary. There were words, and colors, and other people. “So… what does that mean?”

“Well, if he/him pronouns are uncomfortable, we could try some other ones. I would also be happy to let you borrow some of my clothes or help you get more of your own, if that’s something you’d be interested. But first, let’s eat some pizza and get all the drunk people to bed.”

“Okay. Thank you, Renee. I… I can see why Andrew likes talking to you so much.”

Renee smiled. “I’m glad I could be helpful. For now, would you like me to just use your name instead of a pronoun?”

“Yeah,” Neil said. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

They got back into the elevator and headed up, pizza in their hands.

Tomorrow, Andrew would be back, and Neil would have to figure out what to tell him. But for tonight, Neil could eat junk food with the rest of Neil’s team (benefits of Kevin not being there) and just calm down about it. There was no need for Neil to run from anything, anymore. Neil could handle whatever happened.

Chapter Text

Andrew was not happy. Kevin kept dragging him around the country, and for what? Today’s visit had been for a striker who said he’d sooner die than join their team. Even though they’d won the championships, he didn’t want to associate himself with people like Andrew. He couldn’t wait to see who Kevin’s next pick would be, since Kevin clearly had great taste.

Really, Kevin’s only redeeming trait was that he had gotten Neil to stay at the beginning of their first year… although he’d also been involved in why Neil wanted to leave, so Andrew could be justified in not liking him, right?

At least they were back in Palmetto now, pulling up to Fox Tower. “Kevin’s having dinner with me tonight,” Wymack said. “Go see your Neil; I’m sure he’s been waiting for you.”

“Pay grade, Coach.”

“Pretty sure mafia’s above my pay grade. Doesn’t mean it’s not my business if it interferes with my team.”

“It’s not interfering, Coach.”

“Only if you get yourself up there before Josten throws a fit and does something irrational. Go on.”

Andrew got out of the car and headed upstairs to the exy floor. He opened his own door—room was empty, so he dropped his stuff off. The light was on in the girls’ room so he headed there next. If they knew where Neil was, great. If they didn’t, he could talk to Renee.

Surprisingly, both Renee and Neil were there. A Disney protagonist was singing about her miserable life while Renee painted Neil’s nails.

“Mine next,” Andrew said. He didn’t need to announce himself; the two of them certainly knew he was there.

“You get your nails painted?” Neil asked. “I haven’t seen them like that.”

“Not in a long time, but I can’t let you have all the fun, now can I, junkie?”

“Okay,” Renee said. “I’m guessing you don’t want orange like Neil, right? You can look through the colors on the table.”

Renee didn’t have black, which was always his choice as a teenager. So he had to carefully consider his choices. Finally, he landed on a pretty blue color. His choice had nothing to do with Josten’s eyes, of course. Or the lovely contrast made by orange and blue that could happen if they held hands. He just liked the color blue.

“All right, Andrew, made your pick?”

He nodded and passed her the bottle.
“Well, I’ve finished with Neil, so you can take that spot.”

Neil scooted over, and Andrew sat between him and Renee.

“Would it be okay for me to hold your hand while I paint it, or should I place it on the table?”

He had Neil right next to him. Renee wouldn’t hurt him outside of sparring. And both of them would let him get up. “You can put your hand under my hand, but not around my wrist.”

“Got it.” Andrew passed his hand over, and Renee started to paint.

“Andrew, um. I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Is it exy? Cause I just spent three days with Kevin. I really can’t deal with any more exy talk.”

“Uh, no. It’s not exy.”

He turned to look at Neil, careful not to move his hand and get the nail polish smeared. “Not exy? What is it?”

“Truth for a truth?”

“I thought you were all done lying, rabbit.” What more skeletons could be in Neil’s closet? Wouldn’t it be full by now, even if it was a walk-in? Did it have a whole lie-filled Narnia in the back?

“I, um, didn’t lie, technically. I mean, well, I kind of did, but not to you? I don’t think?”

“Not sounding reassuring here, but whatever.” Andrew thought for a moment. “I stopped painting my nails in college because I wanted to be able to switch with Aaron and he refused to wear it.”

“Couldn’t you have used nail polish remover?” Renee asked.

“What?”

“Uh, it’s a liquid that you use on your nails to get the nail polish off? You haven’t heard of it?”

“No, I just painted another layer over it when it started to chip. Or if I didn’t want it anymore I’d have to wait it out.”

“Well, I’ll pick up a bottle for you next time we go to CVS. Neil, I believe it’s your turn? Unless I am joining in on this. I don’t know what the rules are.”

“No,” Neil said, but Andrew could hear the hesitation in his voice.

“We can go back to our room and talk once my nails are done,” Andrew said. “Kevin’s out with Wymack, so we have time.”

“No, I need to say it. Andrew, I’m not… I don’t know how to explain it. Renee told me there’s a word, though. Do you know what nonbinary means?”

“You’re… not a man or a woman? Is that right?” Renee had explained a lot to him, helped him to understand himself and taught him a lot about other identities in the process. She was the reason he’d been able to accept that he and Neil were in a relationship—she had shown him how to separate his sexuality from the trauma he’d experienced.

“Yeah, er, sort of? I mean… it’s like… some days I’m not a man or a woman. You were right, what you kept saying. I’m nothing. But then on other days, it’s more like everything, and I don’t know what to do.”

“So… what? Are you telling me you’re leaving? You can’t be Neil anymore?” Andrew could sense feelings about that rising in his chest, but he refused to acknowledge them. Perhaps then they would go away—although that had not happened with his previous feelings about Neil.

“No! Andrew, I… I’m not leaving. Unless you’re asking me to leave.”

“I’m not asking you to leave. I’m asking you why you’re telling me this. And more specifically, why you’re telling me this now. What’s changed, rabbit?”

“I let myself think about it, I guess? When… before. Um, with my mom. She had me dress up as a girl when I was young enough. But I don’t think about that time anymore. Not on purpose. But last night, we were playing ‘never have I ever’, and it, er, came up.”

“Whose bright idea was that?” Didn’t Wymack only recruit people who didn’t want to think back to their pasts? “Renee, why would you let them do that?”

Renee sighed. “Because they were trying to do Truth or Dare, and that was going to be worse.”

He nodded. Okay, so Renee did have her senses. That was good. The Foxes needed someone sensible on their roster, and Andrew certainly wasn’t about to sign up. “Neil. Is Palmetto where you want to be?”

“More than anywhere,” Neil said. Then he—then Neil, Andrew needed to ask Neil’s pronouns if Neil was sticking around—inhaled sharply. “But not if I’m not wanted here.”

“I want nothing,” Andrew said reflexively.

Neil raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Oh. “But I suppose, on occasion, I could settle for everything. Yes or no?” Normally, Andrew wouldn’t have done this if they weren’t alone. In this, as in many things, Renee was an exception.

“Yes.”

Andrew wrapped his arm around Neil, resting his chin on Neil’s shoulder. “You’re here. You’re staying here. We’re gonna figure this out, figure out how to make this place, this body, work for you. Together. Yes or no?”

“Yes.”