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Hinata was dead...
...I killed him.
It was just a regular day. We were at practice, doing as we normally do, when Hinata and I were bickering. It wasn’t something unusual but with my day being sour, I wasn’t in the mood for his games or anything.
That’s when I said it.
“You know, even without your crazy power move, the team would still be able to win games, even against Shiratorizawa. You’re not really needed here, you know, so why don’t you just go?”
I didn’t mean for it to be so mean. I didn’t mean for it to actually hurt him, but it did.
He ran off, muttering to himself, before I could apologize, even though I was certain I wouldn’t have. The team berated me for saying something like that and forced me to say sorry the next day when we saw each other again. No one, not even Yamaguchi, was able to look me in the eye after that. The guilt gnawed at me, though I ignored it.
The next day, during lunch, I was going down the hallway to Hinata’s homeroom to apologize, Yamaguchi trailing behind me, when another kid frantically ran past us, bumping into me. He was yelling for a teacher for help.
“Anyone, please! There’s a student in the boy’s bathroom! There-There’s blood, please!”
A collection of students, myself and Yamaguchi included, ran to the bathroom to see what was going on and who it was.
As soon as I saw the blindingly bright, tangerine-colored mop of hair, my blood froze. Unwillingly, my eyes followed his body, examining it.
Vomit stained his mouth and shirt and deep, neat slices on his arms, blood flowing out of them like a river. There were tear tracks on his cheeks and his red, bloodshot eyes.
They looked like they were staring at me.
As soon as the paramedics arrived, he was placed on a stretcher and taken away, though I already knew that it was too late.
Later, it would be announced that Hinata died of suicide. Overdosing and blood loss, but how it happened didn’t change the fact it did happen.
Later, there’d be an assembly held for the former sunshine.
Later, I’d be punched in the face by Kageyama and kicked off of the volleyball team for being the cause of Hinata’s death.
“You motherfucker! What have you done!”
“Tsukki…”
“I’m sorry Tsukishima but you’re off the team.”
I don’t even know how my words were able to lead him to doing such a thing. Maybe it’s been a build up of bad things that led him to this? Maybe he’s always felt like this? It doesn’t matter anyways.
The facts were clear:
My words were his tipping point.
Hinata was dead.
And I killed him.
...So why was I still seeing him around?
It’s only been two days since his suicide and yet everywhere I look, whether it be in class or passing by the gym or even on the way home, I see him everywhere. If I could tell someone, I would, but everyone was avoiding me and even if they weren’t, they’d call me delusional. They’d say “It’s the guilt eating you inside” or something like that.
I ignored… it as much as I could, not wanting to draw it’s attention to me. Afterall, isn’t initiating contact with a ghost or a demon the best way to get haunted by one?
Still, no matter how much I turn my head away from it and no matter how much I refuse to talk about it, it still follows me everywhere.
It wasn’t until a few days later that I made contact with it.
I turned to check and see if it was still following me as I was walking down the hall at school and we met eyes. A shiver trailed down my spine as I froze in the middle of the hallway, both of us staring at each other intensely.
It looked the same as when I last saw him. Vomit covered mouth, bloody arms and bloodshot eyes, tear-stained cheeks.
It was smiling.
Forcing my body to move, I sprinted down the hallway, not caring about who I was running into or what sorts of stares I was getting, only caring to get away .
Soon, I was safe inside the classroom. I sat at my desk and did my best to pay attention to the lesson and ignore the carrot topped boy.
And after that, I began getting nightmares and sleep paralysis.
I’d find myself in a school bathroom, longer than the ones that we normally have, and I’d find myself walking and walking, trying to open stalls. Then, I’d open one and find myself in my bedroom, sitting on the bed, the sky outside pitch black like an empty void and it's standing in front of me, looking the same as when he came out of the bathroom. We sat there until the room progressively got filled by red light coming from the window, and he started to cry. I’d try to move, try to look away or comfort it but I wouldn’t be able to do anything. Soon, it’s laughing, cackling, his voice echoing and filling the room until I woke up.
Except, I didn’t really wake up.
I’d open my eyes but my whole body was frozen and I wasn’t able to speak either. The only thing I could do was dart my eyes around the room. Footsteps would approach me, thumping quietly against the floor as orange hair began to appear in my field of vision. The whole time he moved, it stared at me, smiling softly like he used to, though it only filled me with dread rather than warmth. Once he was beside me, he’d climb on top of my chest, making it hard to breathe. While he was sitting there, he’d mutter random things to me, talking to me as blood and tears fell onto my clothes.
“Hey, Tsukishima, how have you been?”
“Do you feel bad? You should.”
“This was your fault Tsukishima.”
“Aren’t you gonna tell someone, Tsukki? Aren’t you?”
Eventually, he’d get off of me and leave, him and the stains on my shirt and sheets disappearing. Seconds later, my alarm would go off and the day would go on as normal.
Except it wasn’t normal. Nothing has been normal since Hinata died.
Everywhere I went, I’d see it staring at me, whether it be outside of the shower, in the mirrors, behind me as I’m walking to school, in a random student’s desk during classes, anywhere that it could fit itself into, there it was.
And I’ve had enough.
So, as selfish as I was ( “You’re so selfish Tsukishima, wanting to be helped from me. You hurt me like this, that’s why you have to suffer. Accept it”) I knocked on Yamaguchi’s door that morning.
To say that he was surprised was an understatement.
“Tsukki! What are you-”
“Yamaguchi, I want to talk to you at lunch,” I told him, leaving no room for argument. “Please.”
“O-Okay, but Tsukki, why-”
“Please, just trust me! I need to tell you something really important, okay?”
“Uh- okay…”
Once he agreed, I walked away, not bothering to wait for Yamaguchi. I wasn’t in the right mindset to be able to walk with him that morning and our relationship was still rocky after everything happened.
All I had to do once he got to school was wait for lunch. Then, I could bring Yamaguchi somewhere secluded and tell him what’s been happening.
Hopefully, he’d listen…
------------------
Lunch couldn’t have come any slower.
Classes were twice as painful as they usually were, I was finding my focus to be stuck on the boy I was horribly aware of, holding my shoulders and tears falling- plat… plat… - on my head. I was exhausted yet I still had to pretend that I was paying attention and totally not falling asleep at my desk. However, freedom soon came as the lunch bell rang, teachers returning to their hideout in the teacher lounge and kids all scattering around the school.
Brushing Hinata’s hands off of my shoulders, despite knowing no one else could see them, I approached Yamaguchi.
“Hey,”
The freckled boy jumped, nearly dropping his lunch.
“Oh! Tsukki, you’re here…”
“Uh… Yeah.” God, it’s never been this awkward talking to Yamaguchi before! “Can you just, um, come with me to the rooftop maybe?”
Yamaguchi meekly nodded, gaze not meeting my eyes. Carefully, he pushed his chair in and left his lunch on the table, anticipating that he wouldn’t be able to eat it anyways. I felt like I should’ve felt bad but there were more pressing matters at hand.
Weaving through students, not bothering to apologize if I ran into anyone (Yamaguchi did, however) I made it to the rooftop, looking for a secluded place for us to talk where no one could hear. Soon, I found the only empty spot, which was of course where Hinata was hanging out.
‘This feels like a bad omen somehow…’
“Let’s talk here. There’s no one around this place anyways.”
“Sure…”
We entered the small space, which was hidden away by the fans and the outer walls of the entrance.
“So what did you need to tell me?” Yamaguchi asked, standing against the wall.
Hinata sat on top of the railing, watching as I gathered my thoughts. He was smirking, like he was watching a drama and getting into the story.
“Okay, this is going to sound insane but you need to trust me, okay?”
“O...kay…?”
‘Deep breaths. You’re only risking losing your best friend…’
“I’ve… I’ve been seeing Hinata!”
Yamaguchi’s eyes widened and I could see confusion but also horror in them. “Wh-What the hell are you talking about? Hinata’s dead!”
“I know! I know, I know he’s dead but I keep seeing him everywhere and he won’t leave me alone!” I struggled to keep my voice down as I told him this. Hinata, meanwhile, was laughing, and I could hear it loud and clear. “He’s in my dreams, he’s in my house, he stands behind me in class! Fuck, he’s right behind me right now, on the railing, laughing!”
I saw Yamaguchi shift slightly, moving away from me. No, I’m fucking this up!
Panicked, I grab Yamaguchi’s arm to keep him from losing.
“Ow! Tsukki, l-let go-”
“Please, you have to believe me.”
“Tsukki- I… I’m sorry but I can’t. This is just… It’s beyond fucked up!”
“I know but-”
“No, Tsukki, I can’t… I can’t help you.”
He shoved my hand off of his and walked just before walking away he paused and muttered.
“It’s probably just guilt. Just get some rest or something…”
And then he left, leaving me alone with it .
And it was still laughing.
“Shut up! Stop fucking laughing!”
Tears welled up in my eyes as it s laughing became unbearably loud in my ears, blocking out the sounds of anything else happening around me. Unable to leave - not wanting to leave - I pressed myself against the corner of the small space, trying to get as far away from it as possible without leaving.
---------------
I opened up my eyes and found myself still on the rooftop, shivering from the cold. Looking around, I spotted Hinata staring at me, blankly, looking the same as he always has (at least since his death). The sun was setting, dyeing everything a bright, warm red.
“The rooftop is locked,” Hinata told me, as if he was guiding me. “You know there’s only one way down, right?”
I stood up and brushed myself off, wandering around the rooftop, staring over the railing.
“They say that killing yourself is a sin and you’d go to hell.”
I ignored his words and instead wandered around longer, taking in deep breaths of air.
“You can’t stay up here forever you know.”
Again, I ignored him. The sun gradually set more and more and the rooftop got colder and colder.
“You can’t ignore me forever either.”
I look down at the ground from the ledge, taking notice of a few students still wandering around, some leaving clubs and others going to them, and some just there for the heck of it.
“Why are you so stubborn?” Hinata asked me. “Just jump. It’s not like anyone’ll care.”
“I’m staying on the roof.”
He didn’t respond.
Sighing, I gather my things in the corner and cover myself with my school blazer, using it like a blanket. My butt hurt, my head hurt, my feelings were hurt and I was freezing cold, stuck on a rooftop. The worst part was that I had the slightest thought of “I should just die” echoing through my head, but I ignored it, favoring sleep. Hopefully my mom and Akiteru won't be too worried…
-----------------
The next time I awoke, the sun hadn't even risen and Hinata was staring at me again, silent. I pulled out my phone to check the time, ignoring the several messages and missed calls from my mom and brother.
5:49 am. School wasn’t even close to opening up.
I sighed, unable to go back to sleep and silently thanking the Gods that it didn’t rain overnight.
Standing up and letting some blood flow through my legs (and ignoring a certain carrot top) I walked to the door that leads to the roof and pushed on the handle, only to find that it was unlocked. Turning to face Hinata, I sneered.
“Liar.”
He said nothing, only stared blankly.
I pushed the door open and walked down the stairs, wincing in pain at the ache in my back and groggily rubbing my eyes. For once, I didn’t have any nightmares, though I guess that was because the day before had been enough of a nightmare. Who knows, maybe Hinata felt bad for me.
Slowly, I walked down the familiar road home, not looking up from the ground, even to cross the street. There weren’t even any cars around so who cared.
Hinata followed behind me, silently. I could feel the coldness of his spirit on my back, making my skin crawl. Still, I ignored him.
I eventually made it to my house. I pulled out my phone. The time read 6:02. I still had enough time to get ready and charge it.
Gently, I rang the doorbell and stood in front of the camera. It’d be too much of a pain to try and talk anyways. Footsteps echoed from the house and my mom and brother burst through the door, worriedly asking me questions, checking my body for injury or worse.
“I’m fine, I promise,” I told them, trying to push away their affections. “I just accidentally stayed overnight at school that’s all.”
“Kei, you don’t just accidentally stay at school!” Akiteru exclaimed as my mom hugged me tighter.
“Kei, honey, if there’s something bothering you, you can tell us,” Mom said, holding my face down to look at her. “You know that, right?”
Hinata stood behind the two of them, staring blankly as ever. Numbly, I nodded my head and faked a yawn.
“Is it ok if I go to bed now?”
“Oh, of course, Kei.” My mom said before letting me go.
Slowly, I trudged through the hall, Hinata walking backwards in front of me, and I eventually collapsed onto my bed. Yet, despite my exhaustion, I was unable to fall asleep, forced to stare up at Hinata’s dark, lifeless eyes.
“Just fuckin’ leave, asshole.”
“...”
“Look, do you want an apology or something?”
“...”
“Fine! I-I’m sorry,” I told him, not caring about my voice crack. I could feel tears forming in my eyes and although I wanted to get up, Hinata’s spirit wouldn’t let me. I turn my head, not wanting to keep staring at him. “I shouldn’t have said that thing to you about not being useful to the team, I was just being an asshole again. You did matter and you still do, even to me, okay?”
Hinata was silent, as he always was. I scoffed and felt something drip on my face. I looked up at him and found tears of blood falling from the ginger’s eyes, yet despite how unnerving it was to see the red liquid falling from such a place, I saw real, genuine sorrow in his face. A gravelly voice echoed from his throat as he choked and sobbed.
“I…” I couldn’t find anything to say, forced to only look up at him and feel the drops fall onto my face, one even falling into my own eye. “I’m sorry…”
Slowly, the decay began to fade off of his body, his skin slowly gaining color, his cheeks and nose red again and small freckles. His arms healed, the blood no longer visible on his person, and the vomit on his mouth disappeared too. Slowly, his bloody tears cleaned and became clear, watery tears. His voice cleared as well, now recognizable as the carrot topped teammate that always had too much energy to be contained in such a small body. The teammate that was able to befriend anyone he met, regardless of how indifferent they are to other people. The teammate that everyone, even myself, loved.
Slowly, I regained feeling in my body, allowing myself to move. I pushed myself upright, careful not to jostle Hinata too much, before wrapping my arms around him, pressing his head against my shoulder, not caring if it got wet or not. The boy wrapped his own arms around my waist, gripping it tightly as he sobbed louder. Tears fell from my eyes, though I didn’t let myself make any noise.
-----------------
I don’t know when I fell asleep, only knowing that my alarm was blaring in my ears and that my shirt was wet. I pushed myself off the bed and looked around, not seeing Hinata anywhere.
‘Weird… Where is he?’
I got ready for school, finding it unnerving that the orange-haired boy was nowhere to be found. Even as I walked to school, he wasn’t there.
I opened my locker and found a small, orange piece of paper, folded and placed inside of my shoes, something not possible unless my locker was unlocked. Apprehensive, I took the letter and put it in my bag to read at lunch.
The letter weighed heavily on my conscious throughout the day, but I did my best to ignore it and to pay attention in my classes, time moving like molasses until finally, lunch came. I scampered to the stairwell, not caring whether or not I looked like a psychopath (everyone probably already thought that) and pulled out the letter from my bag, looking over the orange paper for any sign of who it was from. There was a volleyball sticker in the upper-right corner on the back of the envelope and I felt myself choking up as I stared at it. Carefully, so that I didn’t destroy the paper while I opened it. I pulled out the small, folded note within the orange envelope and began to read it.
Dear Tsukishima,
I hope you’ve received this letter bcuz i wouldn’t know. If you have, that means I’m gone now. I don’t really forgive you for what you said because you said it when I was having a rough time and it was completely uncalled for but I think I accept your apology at least. I’m sorry for hurting you for so long and I hope you can forgive me. Just… please watch your words and try to get along with everyone again. I know you miss them and I’m sure they miss you too. I hope I see you again, but not too soon, okay? Tell everyone I’m sorry for leaving too pls.
Goodbye,
Hinata
Tears poured out of my eyes and I tried not to get any on the paper as I silently sobbed, not even bothering to get up as the bell rang.
-----------------
I didn’t expect Hinata to forgive me, let alone even give me a message of any sort. And I honestly wish I could turn back time so that he’d never have to send me a message after haunting me for being his killer.
It’s been about a month since Hinata’s death and probably a week or two since he sent me that letter. I haven’t been able to talk to the others yet, since the wound was still fresh, and I don’t think I ever will be able to reconnect with them, not even Yamaguchi.
“I’m sorry for not being able to do what you wanted and get back together with everybody, Hinata. I don’t think they’d be so open to talk to me again.” The wind on the rooftop was nice. No one was up here so often anymore, giving me plenty of alone time to reflect and relax. “And I don’t think that you’ll forgive me for this, seeing as I’m doing the exact opposite of what you told me to do.” I remove my shoes and glasses and close my eyes. "I hope I can see you before I get sent to Hell."
The refreshing wind hits my face.
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I can't focus on class today for some reason. Ever since I woke up, it felt like something was wrong, more so than usual.
It's been almost a month since Tsukki talked to me, saying stuff about Hinata still being around or whatever. I didn't want to deal with him at the time because it was too close to Hinata's death day and I was still upset with him but maybe I should've let him down softer. Still, it's too late now. At least it didn't seem like he took it too hard, seeing as he behaved relatively the same for the past few weeks.
Tsukki's not in class today, though. It's unusual.
I stare out the window, bored out of my mind, when time suddenly stops. My eyes widen as they make contact with a certain pair of golden eyes and blonde hair and they're gone just as suddenly as they appeared.
Tsu… kki?
Blood splatters against the window and I look outside to find the crippled and bloody body of my former best friend.
A student screams and someone is running through the halls once again. I turn around and see Takeuchi, the poor boy who saw Hinata first in the bathroom that day and has still not recovered, running into the classroom, slamming the door open.
"Call an ambulance! A-another-another student killed h-himself, please!" The boy falls into a panic attack and one of the girls goes to help him while the teacher dialed the police.
I look back out at the window and gasp as I see Tsukki standing behind me, bloody and teary eyed, through the reflection of the glass.