Work Text:
ABBA - Don't Shut Me Down
Dictionary:
Herr - (German) Mister
Frau - (German) Madame
A while ago I heard the sound of children's laughter
Now it's quiet, so I guess they left the park
This wooden bench is getting harder by the hour
The sun is going down, it's getting dark
It was strange, being back after such a… monumental shift. After all that shitfest, one would’ve expected that the only rational, logical decision would have been to return back to the haven they were forcibly ejected from, and not to that old hell they had perished in.
From being all-encompassing, all-seeing to… willingly being compressed into this shape - the shape that had been used to mock and degrade her given by that foolish entity once again. Female, weak, childish and so, so very mortal. Knowing that one was a mortal, subjected to decisions of beings from the higher plane, and then being one of those beings and willingly choosing both - the form and the mortality that was going along with it, was such a contrarian choice.
The body she resided in was thankfully a grown up one - no more crawling onto the chairs via aid of a footstool, or using the damned contraption just to see her face in the mirror.
It was strangely light and heavy at the same time, a kind of a suit that had yet to be worn in, even if it was already suited to the wearer as perfectly as one could be.
If one were to watch her, they would have seen a petite young woman, clad in an ankle length green skirt belted with a wide brown belt and paired with the green jacket out of the same make that covered the cream-colored shirt worn underneath. The shoes were of a simple make, half-hidden beneath the swathes of the fabric above them, strangely scruffy on an otherwise completely impeccable outfit.
Despite the cold wind blowing through the park, the young woman didn’t really look like the said cold affected her any. Her long golden hair was let down, covering a half of her back and ending in soft curls, and only partially held back by a pair of twin braids meeting at the back of her head, while letting the shorter strands surround her face. Blue eyes, the color of the summer sky, blinked under the thick golden eyelashes, absentmindedly following the path of a dried-out leaf falling from the tree while another one slyly landed on the top of her head. As she tilted her head up, the maple leaf stubbornly stayed where it was, unintentionally giving her a look of a princess.
A small droplet splattered on the young woman’s nose, causing her to blink with momentary confusion as her attention was taken off of watching the light in the house opposite the park.
The park was quiet as one could be - no more resounding with the shrieks of children that had been playing in it from the afternoon and long into the evening, until their exasperated parents called them back for dinner.
No matter the time and place, the joyful noise of children in peace time always remained the same.
The girl’s pink lips stretched in a bemused smile at the thought, before they curled back into a frown.
The wooden benches everywhere were also the same in that regard - always so damn uncomfortable!
I realize I'm cold
The rain begins to pour
As I watch the windows on the second floor
The lights are on, it's time to go
It's time at last to let him know
As if the sky had heard the girl’s complaints, it opened itself up and began pouring the rain on the ground, immediately soaking it and changing it into mud. The light from the windows glittered on fallen leaves and pavements like stolen shards of gold that were fighting their battle with ever darkening shadows of the twilight. Autumn was here again, and it was strange to think that right now, there was no bombardment, no desperate screams of the wounded or that even present smell of burnt flesh hanging in the air, no ruins abound. Such a stark difference when she was here that last time, with a pale moon above her head and no future in front of her.
If she had to describe it, it was… Peaceful.
She gulped. Even as prepared as she was, her heart still hammered in her chest, the light of a certain window from the second floor caught in her eyes.
Even if she was here for half a day already, always carefully out of sight from a certain window, the decision was not any easier. In fact, if she had to decide between going back to Rhine front when the situation was at its worst, and going up and knocking on that door… she would’ve chosen the first option without hesitation.
What a coward she was.
She should’ve been irritated with that perceived weakness of her.
’There is no God.’
She shouldn’t have remembered that voice for so long -
She shouldn’t have remembered the desperate scream of this person, when she was falling from the sky, changing into a supernova of light, determined to have one last victory over those bastards that killed her … comrades.
But she did, she did, even after all this time -
- she remembered his last words.
The words that gave her wings.
The very same words that now compelled her to return back to the beginning.
Ironically enough, Lehrgen had chosen to stay in the same flat they both had bunked in before all that shitfest with the last days of war.
That silly fool.
Her lips stretched into a helpless grin, white teeth flashing in darkness.
She had told him to move on, to create a life for yourself…
...and yet, that fool was still here.
She didn’t know whether she was impressed or relieved at his staunch stubbornness to ignore common sense.
But that was just like Eric Lehrgen and for some strange reason, this little personal fault of his was a little bit…endearing.
I believe it would be fair to say
You look bewildered
And you wonder why I'm here today
And so you should, I would
The sharp sound of someone rapping on the door threw the man residing in the flat number 104 back into the present. Not that it was hard to do, even after ten years of peace.
Once experienced, some things remain with a person no matter how the said person tried to forget them.
War is one of such things.
He was lucky to remain in one piece, even after being so close to that magic explosion that was likened to a solar eclipse - burning so brightly that seared into retinas of witnesses even if they hurriedly closed their eyes.
Angel’s Fall.
Nobody could have forgotten it even if they tried.
The one happening that was the prelude and catalyst to peace talks to stop this encompassing madness that was the World War.
It was not written in any of the historical briefings. It was not acknowledged any more than one would acknowledge a melting snowflake under sun. Official reason was that the Allied Forces were in such an overwhelming advantage that the forces of the Empire didn’t have any other option but to give up.
Historically accurate and acceptable.
Because nobody could mention the wings made of shadows, visible to allies and enemies alike, darker than the blackest of black, racing after that explosion of light seemingly coming from that tiny centre shaped like a certain Devil of Rhine before disappearing into the horizon, as quickly as they came.
A child.
Gods above, what had they done.
Eric von Lehrgen still had nightmares about that particular moment. Well, this one, and… that.
When that brat unceremoniously ordered him to leave her behind to die, in order to survive himself, because...because? She didn’t appreciate insubordination?
Hah, what a crapload of bullshit.
This was one of his greatest regrets, right up with him not listening to the same brat’s concerns when she had been withdrawn from besieging in that goddamn Battle of Murmansk.
What a fool had he been.
She had dropped him, a grown man, like he was a sack of potatoes. One minute he was arguing with her, and another, he was apparently rendered unconscious, only rousing to see the final swan song of that impossible child and see her body disappear into nothingness.
The generals were gracious enough to order the destruction of any and all documents that were in any way, shape or form connected to Silver Wing and their crazy commander. That division became a phantom and later on a myth, a joke to the ones not in the know - and the ones who did know, had either already passed on or swore to keep these secrets close to themselves until grave. Sometimes literally.
Tanya Degurenchaff surely had not been the only one child soldier participating in this mess of a war, but she was the one most involved and responsible if one would account for all of her accomplishments, both in military and civil engagements.
Laws had to be rewritten in order not to be taken advantage of like she had done at Mockba. War doctrines were completely overhauled, what with the other nations acknowledging the Sky Supremacy borne from her crazy idea of a trained wing of Mages ruling over the battlefield, both on the sky and the land and sea. Civil engineering and logistics, strangely, profited the most off of her thesis paper.
If there had to be another war of a similar or even greater scope of the one he had survived, Lehrgen shuddered to even think of the brutalities and casualties it would bring.
Thankfully everyone agreed that this had been one time too much. Even if the resulting peace talks were stilted and uncomfortable, they at least reached the consensus that peace was preferred
than war.
Lehrgen had reverted back to civilian life. For him, whose sole existence was serving in the army, it was a strange and uncomfortable change.
But a necessary one. The army held too many bitter memories - too many lives lost and with the restrictions heaped on by the Allied Forces, the army may as well be non-existent, nothing like the monster in the glory days of Empire.
Besides, being a librarian was not such a bad job, either.
He had time to organize books, read the said books and he was still moderately well paid for it. Coupled with receiving a small war pension, he couldn’t say he was lacking anything, really.
Frowning, he headed to open the door. It was already late enough for him not to expect any visitors - but maybe Edna Schwarzstein was in need of sugar… again. Honestly, that woman was still trying to couple him with her niece, no matter how many times he has politely declined her matchmaking services.
(For some strange reason the woman was hounding him ever since he had moved into the said flat just because he had helped her carrying the paper bags from the grocery back to her home. And then she invited herself to a cup of coffee in his flat.)
If she offered her matchmaking services in the guise of good neighborly relations again, Lehrgen swore, Frau Schwarzstein would be given a very unpleasant surprise from his side.
With an irritated exhale, he schooled his face into polite expression before he unlocked and opened the door.
And completely froze at the sight on the other side.
Blue eyes, messy gold hair - everything that reminded him of her, only this person was taller, more mature and a complete stranger to boot.
And the familiarity, along with dissociation struck him even harder when this - this impostor smiled at him.
“Good evening, Lehrgen.” The mellow voice called out, it’s inflections achingly familiar - so familiar that locked his throat down, causing him to choke on his breath.
His heart sped up, heavy and painful, breaking apart and rebuilding all at once.
“Who the hell are you?”
She gave him an unimpressed glare at his choked-out inquiry. And if nothing else, this completely confirmed that he wasn’t hallucinating,
“Oh, my. Surely you know who I am, don’t you, Lieutenant Colonel?” Glaring harder, her right palm slapped in the middle of his chest, and Lehrgen felt himself being pushed - but only just. There was only a pressure, warm and firm, the shape of her hand burning a metaphorical hole through the fabric on his chest.
“Is that how you greet your superior, Col - “
Panicked, he slapped his own palm on that sharp, unruly mouth.
She was alive.
Her offended breath caressed the skin of the back of his hand, while those blue - oh so blue, forget-me-not-blue eyes blazed with familiar irritation.
“Shhh!” He hissed at her. Blonde eyebrows quirked at him mockingly, and Lehrgen fought the urge to groan. “I don’t really advertise my … involvement in war.” He hastened to explain, and to his horror, he felt his cheeks becoming hot with embarrassment as the lips under his palm curled up in amusement.
A moment later, he jerked his arm back and grimaced at the feeling of saliva upon it. She licked his hand, the little brat she was.
“Well. Then shouldn’t you invite me in, Herr Lehrgen? I do hope you still have coffee… for the old times’ sake, if nothing else.” The impossibility standing at the front of his door sniffed imperiously, seemingly forgetting that her hand was still on his chest. (But he didn't.)
That, ladies and gentlemen, was pure, undiluted Degurenchaff.
Unrepentant, bossy, not cute and cuddly at all and… alive.
Somehow, by the grace of God - or most likely, Devil, she was here.
Lehrgen shook his head as he helplessly moved aside to make a place for her to enter.
And the click of the doors closing behind them sounded like the precursor of doom.
When I left I felt I'd had enough
But in the shape and form I appear now
I have learned to cope
And love and hope is why I am here now
The flat was moderately sized, and yet, right now, it simultaneously felt like it was too big and yet too small to hold both of them in at once.
He had hurried through the brewing of coffee, still dazed and on his chest, still feeling the burn of her warmth imprinted into his skin - the only sign that this was not a dream.
When he returned back to the living room, he saw her sitting on the settee, browsing through the poetry book he was reading just before she came back into his life.
“I never thought you would be the person who liked reading poetry, Lehrgen.” Blue eyes looked back at him, a small speck of golden dust floating through the expanse of blue, causing him to keep back a flinch at the sight.
“I am not.” He replied, as he unloaded the small tray containing two cups of coffee and a tiny plate of cookies on the desk that separated them. “Let’s just say this is a part of my job.”
He started at a tiny huff of breath escaping her lips. Surely didn’t she just chuckle?
“A librarian now, I see. I’d say it is a shame, but for some reason, it’s not that strange at all.”
His body unconsciously relaxed at her remark, while at the same time, he began to berate himself in his head. Was he really that starved for approval to almost wag his tail at that smidgen of acknowledgement of his choices?
Yes. Yes, damn it, he was.
“And you are… different.” He cautiously edged out, as he sat down, reaching for his own cup of coffee, as if it was the invisible wall between him and her. The bridge of his glasses itched, tempting him to move them up higher, but he stubbornly resisted. Any unnecessary movement, and she would be on it like cat on a hapless mouse, he was sure of it.
‘Don’t show any weaknesses, Eric von Lehrgen. Not to her.’
Slender hands closed the book and casually put it back on the table before they reached for the cup. “It would’ve been stranger if I remained the same, don’t you think?” Cool blue eyes speckled with golden dust looked over the cup’s rim at him.
He couldn’t help but agree with her. Looking at her now, she was an adult young woman, finally growing into her looks. No more childish voice or sunken cheeks on the back-then too-young face, no need for her to climb onto the chair, but freely sitting down, her legs long and hidden beneath the green fabric of her skirt. Her posture remained the same - ramrod straight, but instead of military precision, she looked like the epitome of ladylike behavior. Her shoulders were rounded, and her chest also grew out. Her golden hair was long, reminding Lehrgen of Serebyakova’s hairstyle before she was killed - but Degurenchaff wore it like it was a crown and she was an Empress wearing it. His mouth dried before he knew it, and he took a hasty sip of coffee to slake his thirst.
What a beautiful monster she had become.
She was beautiful enough to land more than a thousand ships and sink a country in despair, just like the mythical Helen of Troy used to.
“You’ve changed too, Lehrgen.” The quip earned her an owlish blink from his eyes, before he flushed and looked down.
Lehrgen was just like she remembered him, and yet, there were also subtle changes that denoted the passage of time chiseled into him. The lines of grief around his mouth and his almost perpetual frown. He still wore his glasses, and the eyes hiding behind them were a bit older, without that spark he had carried about when they had been fighting - be that enemy or each other, but still with a certain amount of wariness attached.
His body was still tall and slender, nothing on him telling that he used to be a highly decorated officer in the Fatherland’s army. She knew, though - Lehrgen was far from being a pencil-pusher, when push came to shove.
There were streaks of silver glinting in his hair here and there, little comets glinting through it when the light hit it right. And coupled with him being clothed in smoky gray ankle length terry cloth robe he painted a picture of domesticity she could’ve hardly imagined back then when they used to be in the war. Unassuming and cozy, causing her to hide a startled smile into a sip.
But this blush - well, this was something new. “You are not here just to talk about it, are you?” He apparently recovered from his embarrassment, as he gave her a suspicious glare.
Just like in the old times. This time, she couldn’t suppress a chuckle. “And if I say I was?”
Entertained, she watched him as he made a disbelieving face before apparently regaining his wits and schooling himself back behind the mask of an army officer.
“This, Degurenchaff, I find highly unlikely.” He sniped back. “I do recall I wasn’t your favorite person back then.” He primly took another swig -
“But you were, Lehrgen.” Her affectionate grin grew devilish proportions when she watched him choke on the mouthful. She didn't bother to help him as he pounded on his chest to get his breath back in order. Watery eyes behind glasses glared at her. “Stop - cough - joking, Degurenchaff!” He tried to bark out, but his voice came out thin and reedy.
She shook her head. “I am not joking, Lehrgen. I never joke.”
She was subjected to another watering glare, this time coupled with a disbelieving raise of eyebrows. “I will believe this just about…Never.”
She scoffed. “Your loss.”
The scent of warm, richly brewed coffee curled around them like a coquettish cat sneaking from one person to another with a soundless purr. Bitter and fresh, a new beginning and old, already scarred wounds picked anew.
Sighing, she put the half-emptied cup down, meeting his eyes.
And now you see another me, I've been reloaded, yeah
I'm fired up, don't shut me down
I'm like a dream within a dream that's been decoded
I'm fired up, I'm hot, don't shut me down
“It’s… good you have survived.” She began awkwardly. He gave back a cautious nod, slowly leaning on the back of his chair.
“You too. But last I saw you - you were - “
Dead, echoed in the grim silence between them.
She grimaced. “Yeah, that.” Her elegant fingers rubbed the bridge of her nose as she sighed, thinking how to explain her… circumstances. It was kind of hard to explain how one came back from death when everyone and their grandma saw her practically vaporized in an self-induced explosion.
“It’s kind of hard to explain without getting into specifics.”
“Like your growth spurt.” He helpfully added. Her eyes snapped open as she glared at him, only to see him smirking at her. Smirking! That little bastard was smirking at her!
She huffed, but part of her warmed up at his unconscious teasing of her person. This meant he was relaxing around her, right?
“Shush, you.” She snapped back, but without any kind of bite in her voice. His eyes widened at that, and she continued, seemingly not being able to look him into his eyes.
“You see, I am not exactly from this world.”
I'm not the one you knew
I'm now and then combined
And I'm asking you to have an open mind
I'm not the same this time around
I'm fired up, don't shut me down
“You are not exactly... From this world.” Lehrgen repeated after her tonelessly. And for the first time, he saw her panic. Her eyes wide with fear as she covered her mouth in a classic pose of ‘I spoke too much’.
What.
For a moment, it seemed she would deny this little dirty secret, but then, her shoulders slumped with defeat under Lehrgen’s unimpressed stare.
“Just - keep an open mind, will you?” She asked, and for the first time since coming into his home, Lehrgen saw just how small and fragile she was. Not the goddess of war or an unnaturally beautiful woman but… this.
“You saw how unnatural I was. How much better than my… schoolmates.” She grimaced at the last word, as if it had personally offended her. Lehrgen wordlessly nodded.
“The tactics. The thesis. Everything!” She burst out, her voice loud with frustration. “My world - the world I came from - didn’t have any magic. But it did go through the second world war - “
“What?”
If Lehrgen had thought he had been shocked before, this revelation completely floored him. “Were you a - “
She hurriedly shook her head at his unvoiced question. “No! I was not a soldier there - in fact, when I was taken from my world, 50 years had already passed from the end of the second world war.”
Lehrgen felt faint. “Second world war?” He croaked out.
She gave a small, miserable nod. “Yeah. We had two world wars.” She flashed him a macabre grin. “And believe me or not, I was a pretty normal salaryman back then. It was peace, economy was booming, I was doing my job, just firing some incompetent bastard who had then pushed me to land on the tracks under the train.”
“Salaryman. Of all the jobs you could’ve had - ” Lehrgen repeated dully, his mind completely unprepared to reconcile the pictures of a… salaryman to that ruthless, bloodthirsty little girl he used to know. And then his thoughts snapped to more pertinent information. “Wait, no. You said your world had a second world war. What is all that about?”
“Like I said, our second world war was similar to your first one here.” Degurenchaff grimaced. “And after my world survived the aftermath of our second world war, you can bet that the military had gone through a thorough evolution. The crazy training of my troops? The tactics?”
Her shoulders moved in a self- deprecating shrug, “All of it copied from some of the greatest minds back there.”
Lehrgen’s mind flashed to another scenario. “So that’s why you insisted on chasing after the enemy back then - and you cried when you weren’t allowed to?”
She blushed. A fire-engine, red blush, Lehrgen noted with fascination. “S-Shut up! This is one of my most shameful memories - how did you even know that?!” She yelped.
“I was your supervisor.” Lehrgen deadpanned, entertained at her reaction. She gave him the look of the deer caught in the headlights, completely forgetting about that little fact. “Of course you did, damn it. “ She threw her head back, groaning as she covered her eyes, her cheeks still flushed red with mortification. “Anyway!” She coughed, as she straightened herself out, but her eyes were wandering anywhere but to Lehrgen.
Suddenly, Lehrgen felt pity for her. This had to be hard on her, talking about her old world and being thrown in the middle of the war. But some of her remarks suddenly made sense.
“Is that about that Being X?” He inquired, causing her to snap her head back at him, her eyes wide with astonishment.
“Is it ever. How did you know?” She asked and Lehrgen hadn’t seen her so animated since… ever, he supposed.
“I guessed. Who is that Being X?” He inquired as he reached for a coffee mug that was now slowly changing into a lukewarm sludge.
“Deader than a dead bastard who had delusions of being a God.” She growled out, her eyes sparkling with grim triumph.
He paused mid-sip. “And I assume this… being somehow relocated you here.”
She rolled her eyes as she too reached for her cup. “Having been murdered by a random petty idiot I had fired because he was a lazy ass worker and then decrying the existence of God in my last moments somehow attracted his attention. We had a conversation where he tried to convince me he was a God, I didn’t agree and presto, I was dumped into this world as a girl.”
Lehgren had a headache from the info dump, succinct as it was. It didn’t make any iota of sense, as much as it did, and it was driving him spare. Hell, every time he dealt with Degurenchaff he was doomed to be driven to spare somehow. If it wasn't bloodthirsty, genius little soldier girl, it was the said bloodthirsty girl booting him to safety and her dying and now, he was dealing with a self-proclaimed forceful transmigrator from another world, who was apparently a man but reincarnated as a woman.
Well, this explained everything. Degurenchaff’s mannerisms were strange for a little girl and always rubbed Lehrgen the wrong way metaphorically speaking. And knowing that this bastard used to be a salaryman, Lehrgen had an unpleasant hunch where did the idea of this unfortunate recruitment shit of hers come through. Salaryman, indeed.
Wait.... Rewind.
“You were a guy?” Lehrgen would deny to the last breath he had emitted such a high-pitched last word.
She gave him a long-suffering glance. “I am telling you about my tiff with Being X and all you are being hung up over is that I used to be a guy?”
“This is the only thing that actually makes sense in this whole mess of things!” Lehrgen weakly defended himself. Then, he paused and shook his head. “... Or not.” He mumbled to himself. His eyes unconsciously strayed to a certain part of the young woman’s upper body, currently covered with a blouse.
“Pervert.” Degurenchaff flatly accused him, causing him to splutter.
“But maybe you have the right idea for once.”
That being said, suddenly those golden flecks in her eyes shone brighter and in the space between one breath and another, a completely different being sat on Lehrgen’s couch.
Tall. Taller than Lehrgen for sure, wide shoulders, her previously skirt clad legs were now encased in his dove gray trousers with smartly polished shoes that had to cost more than Lehrgen’s entire monthly pay. A chiseled jaw that was recently shaved and sharp, intelligent dark eyes hidden behind oval glasses. Thin lips, straight nose, perfectly brushed hair revealing smooth forehead and elegantly curved eyebrows.
The only things that even remotely likened to Degurenchaff was the man’s posture and the way she - now he - held a cup of coffee. Crisp white shirt under a suit and dark gray tie were a complete antithesis to the brightness of her female form’s outfit. It was like seeing the sun change into the moon at the drop of a hat.
Lehrgen barely managed not to flinch at the man’s coldness. If Tanya was the fires of heaven personified, this… man was personification of the coldest depths of hell. Staunch, immovable and Lehrgen felt his back sweating at the thought of what it could’ve been if this imposing man were in charge of 203rd brigade in his real form. Tanya, as a cute child, was already scary enough - and being face to face with the original form was...well, terrifying was barely a good enough word for an experience.
“Well?” The man tilted his chin at Lehrgen, his low voice smooth and clipped, and if Lehrgen weren’t terrified out of his wits, he would even call it charismatic. This man was obviously used to being in charge, and Lehrgen barely stopped himself from standing up ramrod straight and reporting at once.
Instead, he slowly removed his own glasses and put them on the table, before he pinched the root of his nose. Closing his eyes, he desperately wished all of this was just a dream, a mirage borne out of his desperation and staying up late, chasing his own undead ghosts of war.
“Goddamit, man, do you want me to die of a heart attack or something?” He breathed out, exasperated. “Who the hell are you, and why it has to be me that has to deal with your existential problem right now?”
The man’s cologne was sharp and cold like a blade, hidden within the frozen forest. The scent was faint, though different enough for Lehrgen to be acutely aware of it, as if it was a loaded gun aimed at his head. That alone convinced Lehrgen that this was not a dream. More like a nightmare, but he was still awake, despite his dearest, most desperate wish not to be.
“I ….” The man in front of him faltered. This was unusual enough to prompt Lehrgen to remove his hand off his face to properly look at him.
“I don’t know who I am.” The unknown man’s mouth twisted in a sullen, almost embarrassed frown.
“What? How could you not know who you are? You said you remembered that life, and war of yours back in your world, and yet, you don’t remember your name?” It was absurd, but the dawning horror on the face of the man in front of him was no joke.
“N-No! How the fuck could I forgot something that important?!” The man swore to himself, before he began muttering oaths at a Being X, swearing to resurrect him, force him to tell him his name and then kill him in the most gruesome manner possible.
If the situation wasn’t so serious, Lehrgen would’ve been horrified and impressed at the man’s vast knowledge of torture techniques. Pale. elegant fingers carded through dark hair, messing them slightly as the other hand loosened the tie, as the man vented his frustration.
“Tanya. Tanya, calm the hell down!” Lehrgen finally couldn’t listen anymore to the mess of words.
“The hell are you calling me Tanya! I am not a girl, do you hear me!” The man snapped back at him, his dark eyes wild with anger and traces of panic.
“You are not in that form, that’s true.” It took all of Lehrgen’s diplomatic skills not to deck the man. He had enough surprises for the evening, and this last one sorely tested his limits. Belatedly, he wondered if all that living with Degurechaff somehow desensitized him to drama following the girl - err, man now.
“But your name is yours, regardless of your gender. And unless you have a better alternative….” Lehrgen trailed off, eyeing the so-called ‘Tanya’ expectantly.
The man stared at him like he would at the foolish recruit that failed to master deploying cloaking shields under artillery fire. Lehrgen swallowed the unease down and stared at him just as balefully.
The man slumped back into the couch with a groan. “Of all the fucking things this shitty Being X could’ve taken from me, he took my name?” He spat out, incredulous.
Lehrgen was silent before he elected to speak again.
“So. Why did you come looking for me?” Without Lehrgen having his glasses on, the man’s face in front of him was a little blurry, but the stranger’s face still visibly drooped. Lehrgen was reminded of a feral wolf pup he had once upon his youth saved from the trap. All snarls and biting teeth at first, but Lehrgen was patient and nursed him back to health. And when the wolf pup realized Lehrgen was not harming him for the first time, he had equally as lost expression on his furry face as this stranger in a strange world.
“You could just as easily return back to your former world.”
The words caused the man to flinch. Minutely, but Lehrgen knew Tanya’s tells - the tells that almost mirrored themselves in that grown up man in front of him.
“I am dead there.”
Oh, look, the sullen pout was back.
“You are dead here too.” Lehrgen tried to be patient. Really, he tried. But this asshole had the miraculous ability to raise his hackles with the smallest, most inconsequential things possible.
Any remorse for that little girl, Tanya, dying in the enemy’s fire as a child soldier, died an inglorious death the moment this jerk of a man revealed the whole farcical tragedy in the making.
“But I am not right now.” At the man’s smug proclamation, Lehrgen thought he would die of high blood pressure.
“You could’ve gone just about anywhere. Be anyone, do anything. Instead - “ Lehrgen ground out the words, as if they personally offended him somehow, “You stalked me, demanded entry into my domicile and then ambushed me with your mess of a tragic story, burned my entire understanding of the world down just for the shits and giggles and then you have the nerve to somehow claim that I am to be responsible for you, is that right?”
With each word spoken, the man winced harder and seemed to look all the smaller, despite his broad and imposing frame.
“You were the one that pulled me through the battle with Being X.”
And damn if that didn’t completely stop Lehrgen’s tirade in the making to a halt.
Will you leave me standing in the hall
Or let me enter?
The apartment hasn't changed at all
I got to say I'm glad
Tanya - for the lack of better name - inhaled and began to talk.
“When I died - “He saw Lehrgen flinch at the last word, the proof that the man was not as unaffected by his death as he tried to project - “When I died, it was to be one last fuck you to the enemies and Being X and to be honest, I’ve had enough. Enough of my soldiers dying, enough of this senseless war I had already known the end of, but was still forced to go through the motions to see its conclusion, shitty as it had been.”
The man paused. “I heard you then.” His lips twisted in an apologetic grimace that may or may not be a smile.
“I heard your scream for me to come back, to return.”
Lehrgen’s eyes closed in defeat as he was forced to relieve those terrible moments seared in his memories. He was also uncomfortably aware his eyes burning with shame as he forced his blush down.
“Nobody called for me to come back. Not in my former world. I died as a nobody, a senseless death drowned in the statistics of hundreds of other deaths. I was not a kind man, but I wished for a simple life. For someone to call for me, to have a family, a kid and … just as ordinary life as one could have. This was not too much to ask for, was it?”
The coffee was now definitely cold, unpalatable sludge right now, reminding Lehrgen of the war times. When they used to drink such dregs, only this time, the said dregs were of better quality that the shit they had forced themselves to down their gullets to keep them awake in the trenches and among the rubble they had been hiding themselves within like starved rats at the end of the war.
“When I came here, there was a war. I wanted to be safe, I worked for it. You know how that went, so I won’t prevaricate about it.
But through all the mess, you were the only one who understood me - or at least in the end, you did.”
A small pause rang between them, with Lehrgen listening to each and every word raptly, as if they were last words he would ever hear in this world.
“And you still called me back.” The man smiled a secret smile, previously cold eyes softening a fraction as he looked at his oblivious savior.
Those dark eyes lightened with the gold and blue glitter on the black canvas of the iris, the gold colors almost invisible in the darkened room.
“Being X was a slick bastard. As soon as I came back, I was forced to fight him.” There was a wealth of information behind the brevity of those words.
“Suffice to say, he almost had me crushed in the palm of his hand, like he used to have before he had sent me on this suicide of a mission into this world. But the one thing that old bastard hadn’t counted on, was the souls of the ones that died alongside me, both enemies and allies alike. They believed in me enough to lend me their soul power to strike back at him. You wouldn’t believe just how much resentment the discovery that there’s no heaven to begin with caused them to switch the gears.”
A short, ironic chuckle. “You know what? It turned out the bastard was just a system’s administrator grasping for straws. And if there’s an administrator in the system…. Then it’s only a matter of time and workforce to figure out how to deprive him of his rights, lock him out of the system and force him to eat his own shit for a change.
“And the one who enabled me - us - to initiate the change - was you. Your words. Your denial of his existence and… you calling for me to come back.”
“If it weren’t for you, I would’ve forgotten myself, who I am - everything - and be just a mindless puppet in Being X’s hands, along with billions of others.”
Tanya’s voice wavered between the female and male one before it solidified back into the masculine pitch.
Once these rooms were witness to our love
My tantrums and increasing frustration
But I go from mad
To not so bad in my transformation
“So when I got to that point, I could’ve returned back to my world.” The man - who used to be Tanya - frowned with discontent. “Or, at least this is how things ought to have gone in theory. I was dead there already, and it was not exactly palatable to me going back to where they didn’t want me to begin with.”
Lehrgen was frozen in his seat when those eyes zeroed onto him even more, like he was under a microscope of an omnipotent being before they moved on to glide over the room’s decor.
“I am glad that you didn’t change the rooms we’ve lived in back then. A foolish sentiment, but… an endearing one, for some reason.” The man’s offhanded comment caused Lehrgen to blink and relax, if only a little bit.
“Didn’t you say that sentiments were only for weak fools back then?” Lehrgen managed to speak out, feeling half-irritation and low-key embarrassment at the memories those words evoked within him.
“And I still stand by them.” The stranger deadpanned. “Only… maybe this kind of sentiment is a little bit… useful.” He reluctantly conceded the point.
“You just don’t want to admit you too can feel that foolish sentiment, too.” Lehrgen jibed back, as he tried to force the flush to recede from his cheeks. Not that he had much success with the endeavor, when he felt his ears glowing hot with embarrassment of his own.
“Sue me, then.” Shrugging, the man rolled his eyes and he languidly crossed his legs. The atmosphere between the two men relaxed slightly, a bit more playful and ambiguous than in the beginning.
“And now? What will you do now?” Lehrgen couldn’t help but ask. “There’s no wars - “
“-Yet - “ The man interrupted him, sending him a pointed look Lehrgen semi-successfully ignored by the ease of long practice
“ - and you did say you wanted to have a family and kids.“ Lehrgen stubbornly ended the sentence, even if the subject was awkward as hell. To imagine Tanya - or this man - with a family was an exercise in futility, considering their past. Lehrgen mentally shook his head, not wanting to go into that rabbit hole anymore he wanted to -
“You did mention something about me wanting you to be responsible for me, didn’t you?” Lehrgen froze at the off-handed quip falling from those thin lips.
The nerve of that man.
“You called me back. Ergo, the responsibility for my well-being is yours.” The man concluded, calm as cucumber.
Shameless.
Completely, utterly shameless.
Lehrgen was about to blow his top when he saw that sly smirk on the man’s face, but the moment he looked into those dark eyes, he saw completely another story.
Pain and fear cloaked within cold arrogance, the haughty presumptuousness hiding the fragility beneath.
He couldn’t even imagine how much courage was needed to come back and knock on his door, always in danger of rejection.
Like it or not, Lehrgen always had the last word when it concerned this unexpected rendezvous of theirs. If he ever hinted at his disapproval or refusal, Tanya - this man in front of him – would’ve let him go and vanished into the unknown, all too ready and willing to be just a dark memory in Lehrgen’s past.
He had thought Tanya to be selfish, arrogant, too lofty and too stubborn - but beneath all that, Tanya was... Not so bad of a person.
Looking back with new eyes, Lehrgen could understand a little bit of Tanya’s motives that drove her to surviving the hell she - he now - had been thrown into. It was still hard to imagine, much less comprehend that everything he had been told this evening was true, but the proof was in the pudding, so to speak.
“Well, marry me, then.”
The words slipped out of his mouth before Lehrgen even had time to think them through.
Those dark eyes grew almost to the metaphorical size of dinner plates at his proclamation.
Even Lehrgen himself was shocked at his brazenness.
He was a certified bachelor and he would be clearly decked for his stupidity any time now, because a man proposing to another man could only end in tears. Or murder.
The second one was the more believable outcome out of the two, what with Tanya’s temper involved.
And with her being a man now... there was no prediction how she would react to his proposal.
Lehrgen gulped.
And now you see another me, I've been reloaded, yeah
I'm fired up, don't shut me down
I'm like a dream within a dream that's been decoded
I'm fired up, I'm hot, don't shut me down
“Are you out of your mind? I knew the war had a detrimental effect on you, but to scramble your brain to that degree… Well, color me surprised.”
The man in question stood up, lightly slapping his hands against the table as he leaned over into Lehrgen’s face as if to intimidate him into backing off from his crazy proposal, dark eyes blazing with the mix of gold and blue glitter.
Dazedly, Lehrgen thought of small fireworks in the winter sky - mesmerizing, short-lived and so, so very beautiful.
“You do realize that I am a man, do you not?” The man tore Lehrgen out of his daze, causing him to blink.
Not to be outdone, Lehrgen also stood up, all the while staring eye to eye at the man that had shaken the foundations of his life and beliefs time and again.
“I do. I do know that you are a man.” His voice was surprisingly calm, considering he was about to fall in the fiery pits of hell either way.
“You don’t love me.” The man continued, an ironic smirk twisting his mouth, certain of what he spoke.
Lehrgen blinked. What did love have to do anything with - oh. Something within his chest loosened at the man’s inquiry. Tanya Degurenchaff, letting her opponent go scot-free. What a surprise.
However, two could also play this game.
“But I do have a certain degree of positive sentiment for you, despite you being an ornery, sex-changing bastard.” He retorted back, stubbornly glaring at those eyes, refusing himself to feel intimidated.
The man let out a surprised chuckle, his face lightening a bit.
“That must be a first for you, to give me such a backhanded compliment. Didn’t know you had it in you.” He mused, entertained, and oh god, Lehrgen was about to be docked, wasn’t he? This was classic Tanya smiling sweetly before she got out big guns.
“But of course.” Lehrgen agreed, his mind light-headed and sharp at once, when his heart was hammering against his chest like a wild animal cornered in front of a predator it was unable to escape from.
A tense silence crackled between them.
“I am a jealous and possessive bastard I’ll have you know.” The man’s face was tense, but his eyes were intensely drilling into Lehrgen’s own.
“You forgot to add you are a certified coffee junkie, obsessed with having things in order, your recruiting pitch is complete and utter shit and you misinterpret higher ups' orders as much as you enforce your own, you are surprisingly good cook and you are a secret chocolate addict. You are not a morning person at all. So… “Lehrgen paused as he blinked up at the man. “Did I miss anything?”
“And you intend to kiss me with that kind of filthy mouth?” The man pretended to be shocked, his eyebrows lifting in a despotic gesture.
“As if you hadn’t heard worse before,” Lehrgen scoffed, before darting forward and planting a swift kiss on that cruel mouth that had taunted him.
The peck was brief and as soft as a feather.
Lehrgen expected to feel shame or disgust, for kissing another man, but the lips touching his own were soft and dry like his own, their warmth imprinting in Lehrgen’s mind.
“You crazy, utter bastard.” The man breathed into him, and Lehrgen inhaled the unique scent wrapped around the man - the scent of steel blade in the heart of frozen forest in the coldest winter -
“Yuuji.” Lehrgen whispered back at him, causing the taller man to blink his eyes at him in bewilderment.
“If you don’t have a name, then I’ll give you one. Yuuji.”
I'm not the one you knew
I'm now and then combined
And I'm asking you to have an open mind now
I'm not the same this time around
I'm fired up, don't shut me down
The sound that came from the man’s - Yuuji’s - throat was so raw and animalistic that Lehrgen was for a moment worried that he had broken the man.
“Yuuji.”
He whispered it again, and the man leaned down, his head burrowing itself onto Lehrgen’s shoulder, the small table standing between them preventing the transmigrator from practically burying himself into Lehrgen’s form, his hands steel bands on Lehrgen’s upper arms, and for a brief moment, Lehrgen felt suffocated as if a dragon was holding him, with no intention to ever letting him go.
Slowly, hesitantly, he lifted his own arms and awkwardly embraced the man to himself, listening to the hitches in his breath, feeling those wide, sturdy shoulders tremble and then slump, as if relieved of some great burden he had been carrying all along for too long of a time.
As if he… had finally came home.
You asked me not to leave
Well, here I am again
And I love you still and so I won't pretend
I have learned to cope
And love and hope is why I am here now
Closing his eyes, Lehrgen swallowed the lump that suddenly made itself home in his throat.
The memories of war seemed to loom so close, and at the same time, distant, as if they were a strange mirage that never happened at all. In the midst of them, this bright, sharp, blade-like presence in the shape of small girl with golden hair and forget-me-not blue eyes, Lehrgen’s greatest regret. This ordinary evening, one more among the many, had opened his wounds anew, like doctor would break wrongly healed bones to set them right.
This blazing golden shape had changed into cold, moon-like one, dark and foreboding, and Lehrgen couldn’t understand just why was he chosen as an anchor to such a … presence, even if Yuuji - if the man consented to be called as such – had explained a small bit of it. It both terrified and humbled him, though the most prevalent emotion was still confusion. It was like flying with the computing orb and then in the middle of flight, some ten thousand kilometers in the air, the computing orb giving on him without any rhyme or reason, causing him to plummet down to the ground, safe only when he was in the air, with no wings to suspend him from the inevitable collision with ground and subsequent death.
Someday, this would happen. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, for sure. And when this all would come to an end, Lehrgen was sure that this time, it would leave him just as shattered as he would’ve been if he suffered an unfortunate malfunction of computing orb and had fallen from the cloudless sky, as bright as Tanya’s eyes, and as dark and mysterious as Yuuji’s own orbs, to meet his inevitable crash down on the ground.
He had always been a fool, Lehrgen supposed. For all of his rational decisions and caution, he was a fool that let his heart lead him into unknown. Like it used to with that wolf pup, with Tanya and now, with him.
And for all of his foolishness, Lehrgen had learned one valuable lesson - pretending in the face of inevitable was an exercise in futility.
Somehow, he had lost his heart to that strange conundrum of a being that used to be Tanya and who also used to be a salaryman. To that paradox of existence, selfish yet selfless, harsh and soft, ambitious but foolish - this existence that had sought him out among millions of others, somehow deciding that Lehrgen was it.
It would take time to get used to this to entwine his own life with that of a - supernatural entity, as it were. To discover who was this man that had been hidden in the guise of a small girl because of the whims of a higher being. Lehrgen didn’t know if it was love. He didn’t know if he could love the man like he would a woman, despite his rash offer of him marrying Yuuji, but Tanya - Yuuji - always managed to get both the best and the worst out of him. He ought to regret his offer, because marrying a man out of all people was still one of cardinal sins in the polite society, but as hard as he tried to, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it.
A small, shaky smile fought its way on his lips as he felt, hyperaware - this man’s - no, this being’s form against his own - the warmth of his body under that strangely tailored suit, the damp breath in his shoulder, that weight, so solid yet precious leaning against him and he breathed a small breath, a barely audible confirmation of this new course in his life.
“Stay.”
/The End/