Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dear Dean,

I was thinking about shells today. I saw a woman with a shirt that had them, and I remembered the beach, and you, and this box. I went back and read through all the letters, and for the first time, in a long time, I wasn't sad about it-not in the same way.

I've been so tired lately. I'm so tired of being angry, and sad, because that wasn't the point. I'm sad because I'll never get to tell you certain things again. I'm sad about that, but I'm not sad like I was when you left. I think I held on too long. I confused it with loving you, and those aren't the same. Being sad about the things I miss isn't loving you. It never was. Loving you was so much bigger than that.

I don't think I can stop loving you. I think it's a part of me now, and it's never leaving. It makes me who I am, and I used to think this crippled me, but I don't think it does anymore. Loving you has given you back to me. I've missed you. The old you. You never really came home, and I understand that now, and I know it wasn't your fault or mine or anyone's. It was just circumstances we couldn't avoid, but I've realized that just because we ended the way we did doesn't define what we were before.

To have those memories back is such a precious thing. To have that part of you back with me-it's unimaginable. I was thinking about shells, and I was thinking about that day at the beach and I can remember sitting on the blanket looking at the water, and you asked me what I was thinking.
I was thinking about how afraid I was that I was never going to love you as much as I did then. That the moment was going to get washed out, that I would never be able to experience what it was like to know that I loved you as much as I did again...

I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way we wanted them to. I'm sorry- I'm sorry we weren't as equipped to deal with the hand we got. The fact that we didn't get to do the little plans hurts more than the big ones, sometimes. It wouldn't have mattered about a house or the island.
Sometimes I stop myself at work and realize that I'm never going to sit in Van's noodle house with you, and I don't know exactly-I'm so terrible at letters, Dean. I'm glad you never had to read them when you were in Vietnam, they were all so terrible and boring and wordy.

I think-

I think that, the point of it all, is that the moment at the beach? I had never really understood who I was until then. That's who I am. That person, and there, right there, next to me, that was you. That's who you are.
It's wonderful to know that I didn't lose you. That we were always right where we were supposed to be the whole time. This whole time I thought I'd lost you, and there you were...

memories are good that way. I can remember us, and I can keep living. I can keep going and always know right where to find you when I miss you.

I miss you all the time.

I want you to realize someday. All of that about us. You don't- you don't have to be guilty, and I know you are, and I understand why everything happened the way it did. It just happened. We just- it just happened, Dean, and it's alright. I'm alright.

I'll be okay.
Once, you told me it didn't seem right to say goodbye. Not really. I thought I'd have to-I thought I'd have to let go of everything I loved about you, but I don't, and you were right, and wouldn't you be pleased with yourself to know.

The truth of it has never been clearer to me, my darling.
And you are, always, my darling.

Yours,
Cas
see you then

this was the goodbye letter I wrote and gave to Dean. I poured my heart and soul into it. The day I gave it to him I had put my hand on his shoulder just over the hand print I had left him with dragging him up from perdition. He would always be mine but I could never have him.

After looking into his eyes, and seeing his heart break, it was all I could do to reach into my trench coat, pull the letter out, lay it beside him and walk away. I wasn't going to let him see my heart break. I walked to my car and got in. I turned the engine over just as Sam came looking for me. I got out of my car as he approached.

I guess he found Dean. “I have to.” was all I said. Sam simply nodded. He didn't ask where I was going or what I was going to do. He simply let me go, knowing it was for the best. As I drove away I wished that the man in the rear view could do more for the man I love than I can.

I drove for days, stopping only to gas up and eat. I couldn't sleep. I was in Georgia of all places when I finally stopped. I pulled over into a motel because the memories were eating me alive. I managed to get a room and get my shoes and coat off before I passed out.

Sleep was not kind to me. Every memory of time spent with Dean played out in my dreams. I woke up after about three hours. I got up and showered before going to find a long term place to stay. As I was getting dressed, I got a call from Lucifer of all people. Last time we had spoken was years ago and that had ended in an argument.

His first words as soon as I picked up the phone were “Cas, crawl your ass out of what ever hole your hiding in and go fix your boyfriend. He called me at two in the fricking morning, wanting to know if I had seen you. He is hysterical, drunk and going on a rampage. Sam and the others have him locked in a room. Every five minutes he's asking after you.”

“I can't come back. You don't get it. He has some stuff to do before we can ever be again. My heart is breaking just as much as his but I can't come back. This is for the best right now. Give him some time he will eventually settle down and come around.”

I went to hang up and he said “everyone envied you, Cas. You were the lucky one. You had what all of us angels wanted most and you're throwing it away. For what? I have no idea but if I was in your shoes I would make it work. If I could say I love you to the one I want I would but I never can. I envy your relationship with Dean.”

“I'm not throwing it away. I'm trying to save us. I cannot do that next to him. He needs to do this by himself. I cannot fix him. He has to do that. He will heal from everything and it won't be perfect but when he's ready he will know where I am. When he has put enough of himself back together he will find our bond again. The very thing that lets me know where he is, goes two ways. It hurts to leave him but this is something he needs to do without me.”

“and don't you dare tell him we spoke.” I said before I hung up. I threw my phone on the bed and went out to my car. I pulled the box out of the passenger seat where I would be sitting because Dean likes to drive. I went back into my room and opened the box. In it was letters, photos, memorabilia from my time with Dean.

Chapter Text

I pulled out the cassette tape he had made me. I laid it on the table. Next out of the box was a photo of me and Dean hugging at the beach. He was shirtless and the brand on his shoulder stood out. We were smiling, laughing and just having a good time with each other.

I thought back to the letter I had written him before I left. I wonder if he's brought himself around to reading it. Probably not, but like I told Lucifer he will come around and when he does he will read the letter and realize all that I know. I pulled pen and paper out of the box. Without thinking I wrote a letter to Dean knowing he would probably never read it.

I finished it and tucked it into an envelope before putting the stuff back into the box. Once everything was put back I left the room leaving my phone on the bed. I had just got into the car when I felt the moment Dean went from raging mad to praying to me to come to him. I stuffed all of my heartache on top of everything else. I went down to the local realtor.

I asked for something cheap and out of the way. She directed me to this old hunting cabin that was turned over to the city when the owner died. Without even looking I bought the property. She gave me directions out to the place. I drove out there, and as I stood in the middle of this clearing looking at a building that was in as bad a shape as I, I knew. I would fix this place up for myself and Dean if he ever gets better.

I pulled my sleeping bag out of the trunk and slept in the old barn that came with the place. I got up at sunrise the next morning and thought about all the sunrises I had watched with Dean at my back and his arms around my waist. I went back to the motel and asked about temporary long term rates. I told the owner it would take some time to get my place fixed. He was pleasant about it.

I went back to my room and showered and changed. Once I was dressed I picked up my phone. I had five missed calls from everybody. I had one voice mail and I knew who it was from. I opened the voice mail. It was from chuck.

“son, are you sure this is the right thing to do? I know you love him but does leaving him like that help any of you? You don't have to explain to me. Lucifer called and told me about y’all conversation. I know you can't fix him so he has to fix himself.
I understand that but you are causing more pain than you're trying to fix. He got drunk the night you left and hasn't been sober since. First it was a pain filled rampage kind of drunk now I can hear him in there praying to you. I know that it is an exercise in futility though because you won't answer. Seeing him like this has caused me a lot of reflection.
There is so much I want to say to you right now but until Dean becomes functional again I know we won't see each other. Before I go I just want to say I love you, son and I am proud of you.”

I hung up once the message was over. I went back out to my car and pulled the box out of the front seat. I wrote Dean another letter. I went to go see a man about fixing the house. He said he would go out tomorrow and give me an estimate.

I ate at the local diner. Sitting in the display case was an apple pie, Dean's favorite. The man loved pie almost as much as he loved me. I didn't want to linger because I have memories of too many small town diners with Sam and Dean. Once I was done, I paid the check and left.

With no particular place in mind, I wound up at the humane society. I went in and surrounded myself with animals to drown out the pain of not having Dean by my side. As I wandered the kennels, I watched each animal and marked the ones with adoption potential. I just have a feeling that I am going to wind up as the crazy guy who lives in the woods. I left when they closed for the night.

I went back to my empty motel room before deciding that I could not stay in there. I grabbed the keys to my car and found the local bar. I sat there for several hours listening to these people talk about the problems of their lives. I had one beer before I went back out to the house. I stayed the night again.

Once again I was up at sunrise. I decided that I wanted to get back into woodworking. The barn would make the perfect workshop. I could have it redone so that I could use it. No more sleepless nights with nothing to do with my hands.

I met with the contractor about the house and the barn. He gave me an estimate on how much it would take to fix them both. He told me I was better off pulling them both down but I felt like they had such a sense of timelessness that it would be a crime to do so. It took the men three months to finish the house. It took them another three to finish the barn.

After they had finished I bought the various odds and ends I would need. The one thing I refused to buy was furniture. I would build all of mine. Every day like clockwork I would sit down and write a letter to Dean. I never missed a day.

After three years of letter writing, I came to the realization that this was my way of praying to Dean. In three years I have not spoken to any one from my old life. For three years I made furniture and waited for the day he would knock on the door. Then I got a phone call from the last person I ever expected to hear from. The phone call was from Sam Winchester.

I answered the phone and he said “I know I made a silent promise but this is an emergency. Dean's dying, Cas. You are the only one that can save him. He was trying to get better for you. He had finally put down the bottle and had taken up hunting again. He was getting better but he got sick one day after a really nasty encounter with a witch. Everyone else has already tried. You're the only one left.”

I hung up and left that same day. I didn't need to be told where they were, I just knew. I got there by breaking multiple laws and I didn't care. All I wanted was to be by Dean's side. I got there a surprising twelve hours after I got off the phone with Sam.

When I walked into the hospital, Sam and the others were in the waiting room. Without a word Sam led the way to Dean's room. He didn't go in with me which was nice because I cried when I saw Dean in that hospital bed. He heard me and turned his head toward me. “Cas?” he asked weakly. “I'm here, Dean. I'm here.”

he looked so small laying in that bed. It was hard to believe that it was really him. “you aren't dying in here. You are gonna die in your sleep in my bed by my side of old age. Or you can go out with the big bang like you always swore you were going to do. Your choice but it won't be here and it won't be now.” I told him.

I leaned over and kissed him. It was so many things at once. It was me and my emotions; it was him and his emotions. It was me giving him what he needed to get better. It was me giving him the power to take the next step whenever he was ready. It was both of us drinking up the others love after so long without.

I pulled back finally and said “when you're ready, I will be waiting. I love you, Dean. I never stopped loving you just because I left.” with that I put my hands to his chest and used my love manifested as grace to make him better. While he was passed out, I hung around. Before he woke up I planted a kiss on the brand I had given him and on his lips.

I was gone when he awoke. I knew the minute he woke up even though I was almost three hundred miles from him by that time. I went back to my house. When I pulled into the driveway I looked at it with new eyes. The house looked good, so did the barn.

The apple orchard I had planted in Dean's memory was doing well. I was making good money off the furniture I made. Enough so that I could stay holed up out here and away from people. Occasionally I went into town to buy groceries. I had mastered pie making as well. The house always smelled of the latest pie.

I raised what food I could at the cabin. It made better sense to raise what I needed than to go to town every week. Another two years passed, Dean was still gone and I was slowly going crazy. At this point I rarely slept and ate just enough to get by nutritionally. I spent a lot of time in the forest that surrounded the cabin.

Six years to the day I had left Dean, I had just come back from an extended walk in the forest to find the sheriff waiting for me. He told me that the humane society was on fire and they needed every volunteer to help look after the animals. I went because I spent a lot of time at the humane society the first two years after Dean. I drove into town to find that what he had said was true. I got right to work with everyone else.

It was several hours later before they finally started to wrap things up. The animals had been accounted for and treated. I was tired, hungry and covered in filth. Rather than go home though I went to the diner and had supper. I was eating a slice of pie when he slid into the booth across from me.

“I had a feeling I would find you here.” he said before he ordered a slice of pie from the waitress. We ate in silence. Long after the pie was gone we continued to sit in silence. I asked for the check and paid before leaving. Still the silence remained.

I stood before my car when I noticed Baby in the lot of the hotel I had stayed at. I knew he was probably in the same room as well. As I stood there he quietly asked me “were you really there when I was dying two years ago?” all I could do was nod. “I have so much to say to you. I don't know where to begin.”

I reached into my car and pulled out the box that I took everywhere with me. “I would start here.” I told him as I handed him the box. “meet me at the diner tomorrow morning. We can talk then.” he nodded before saying “you look different without the trench coat.”

Chapter Text

I got into my car and said “I still have it at home, somewhere.” he closed the door and I left. I was afraid the whole thing was a dream. I went home and went to sleep after I had showered. I put on the mix-tape I had made. Every song reminded me of Dean.

I fell asleep thinking of him as I did every night. As I promised I met him at the diner the next morning. He had the box with him. I was almost scared to see what he had to say. I slid into the booth and he said “six years is a lot of time to make up for. You didn't miss a single one did you?” I shook my head at a loss for words.

He said “my side of six years is in the box as well.” we ordered and then ate in silence. “I read your letter three years after you left. I had carried it everywhere but had a hard time bringing myself to read it. It was just after the hospital incident that I finally read it.”

we left the diner in silence again. He walked me to my car. “where is Sam?” I asked. “I told him that this was something I needed to do alone. He understood.” I nodded.

I got in my car and went back to my empty house. It would not be a home til Dean was there. I went out to my workshop and worked off my sexual frustration as I had been doing for six years. After several hours of working, I stopped by the car and grabbed the box before going in to make supper. I made a bite to eat before I sat down with the box.

As he had promised his side of six years was in the box. I stayed up all night to read his side of things. At first it was mostly drunken ramblings but it got clearer as he sobered up. He spoke of betrayal, guilt, and so many dark things. Then at the three year mark just after the hospital thing his attitude and mindset changed.

He no longer blamed himself for so much stuff. He spoke of Sam and how his life was going. He said that hunting was the only thing saving his sanity. I knew that feeling. He took an in depth look at his feelings for me. I cried when I read those.

His last letter was a simple promise. He was working his way toward fulfilling it. Meeting me again was a huge first step. He would never be normal but he would be alright. Our love would be the final step for him.

We had six years of sexual tension between us. You would have to be dead to not feel it. I got up from the table and stretched. I looked at the clock and went to shower. I stripped as I walked up stairs not caring that I left a trail of clothes from my dining room to my rarely used bedroom.

I stepped under the hot stream of water. As I washed, I fought back memories of the few times he and I had ever showered together. In the end I failed. I remembered every second we spent in a shower. Damn, frustration.

I got out and pulled on a pair of blue jeans before going back out to my workshop. I worked right up till dawn. I didn't want to miss sunrise. I was standing in the doorway of my shop when I heard Baby coming up the path. Dean stopped behind my car and got out.

Without a word he walked over and wrapped his arms around my waist. We stood there watching the sunrise like nothing had changed between us. After it was full light out Dean stepped back and said “I brought breakfast.” I shook my head and headed for the house. He went over to Baby to get the food.

He followed me into the house. He whistled appreciatively when he saw the downstairs. “I love what you've done with the place. It feels like home.” he said as he set the food down and I got out the plates and utensils. Right then it did feel like home.

At that moment I knew that home was where ever Dean was. We ate and cleaned up in silence. None of our silences were awkward or uncomfortable. We just had nothing to say. I gave him the royal tour including the barn.

It wasn't until we were back in the house that I noticed Dean staring at my bare chest. “does my bare chest bother you?” I asked him teasingly. He shook his head and swallowed really hard. That little thing told me that it did bother him. He still wanted me.

I tried to be the good host but after a while I couldn't stand it any longer. I stood as if I was going to the kitchen. Instead I stopped beside Dean and kissed him. It was short and sweet. As soon as I had started it, I finished it and headed for the kitchen.

I heard him scoot his chair back and come into the kitchen. I was standing at the sink looking out the window into the orchard. “there are no scarecrows in the orchard are there?” he joked. I had heard the story about how for one case he was almost sacrificed to a scarecrow. It still bothered him.

I didn't hear his approach but I saw him in the glass. He stood behind me not saying a word. Eventually he did break the silence. “the first several months after you left I tried to hate you for leaving. Then Sam told me what you had told him.
What you had told him motivated me to put the bottle down. After you had left I turned into a raging alcoholic. Sam had me locked in a room anytime I started drinking which was all the time back then. Once I had been sober for six months I took up hunting again. I exhausted myself trying to keep away from thoughts and memories of you and us.
Then one day after about six months of being tired all the time I crashed hard. That's when I knew I had to find balance. After I had started drinking any mention of you became taboo lest they risk setting me off again. After I got sober the taboo remained. We all wondered where you were but nobody wanted to ask.
I'm just happy you've been productive the past six years. You have a life here. I won't ask you to leave it just to come hunting with me. I want you to be happy even if that means without me. I will leave if you ask me to. I will leave and never come back.”

I turned so that I could face him. What I was about to say would be difficult to get out. I think he knew that and was willing to just let me get it out.

“I considered taking up drinking. I drove for a week after I left you. I crashed at the motel here after my body told me I couldn't go another mile. I decided I was better off staying put. The odds of you running into me were extremely small staying here.
I needed you to fix yourself because I couldn't. I had to leave. I spent six months getting the house into a habitable state. Then I had the barn remodeled so I could use it as a workshop. I created all the furniture in the house. That took a while.
I barely slept and hardly ate during the first three years. I don't have a life here. I live on the fringes of society because I can't talk to people like you can. This has just been a place for me to live while you got better. I want to make it a home with you.
I won't ask you to give up hunting because I know that it's a huge part of who you are. I would love to have kids and maybe a cat in this house but I will never ask you to give up the hunt. Being with you makes me happy. I love you, Dean. I can't give you up after I just got you back.
Yeah sure my work is in high demand but that means nothing to me. It was a time killer. I poured all of my feelings for you into my work. It means nothing to me because I know that the call of the hunt cannot go unanswered. It's in your blood.
Home is wherever you are at the moment. This place is whatever we make of it. But, I will ask you to stay. Please, don't leave me. Not now.”

he leaned over and kissed me. This was nothing like the one I had given him in the dining room. This was more like the one we had shared in the hospital. He cupped my face in his hands and didn't break the kiss til we both were seeing spots. “I missed you.” was all he said.

Chapter Text

I pushed his jacket off his shoulders. He let it fall to the floor. I pulled off the plaid over shirt he was wearing. Then the t shirt he was wearing came next. I stopped when he was finally as undressed as me.

I put my hands on his shoulders like I was going to pull him in for another kiss. Instead I pushed him away and made for the stairs. He followed behind me. I went into my bedroom and flopped down on the bed. “this will be the first time since I had the mattress delivered that it has been used.”

dean stopped in the doorway and asked “why did you never use it?” “I couldn't sleep knowing the other side would still be cold when I woke up. That I would have to face sunrise alone. I couldn't do it so I found excuses to crash elsewhere or to avoid sleep altogether.”

“well then. Let's make sure it gets plenty of use.” he said, grinning manically as he stepped into the room and closed the door. At that moment I was happy that the nearest neighbor was five miles away. No one would hear him scream.

Scream, he did. Only after we had spent countless hours reacquainting our bodies with each other. Both of us were mid orgasm when Dean's phone rang. He leaned over the edge of the bed and picked up his pants. He pulled his phone out just as it stopped ringing.

He called whoever it was back. “this had better be important.” he said as soon as the person on the other end picked up. “Sam. You know you had better have had a damn good reason to call me in the middle of my vacation.” “a case came up. Nobody else will take it.” I heard Sam say. Dean was laying kisses across my stomach.

“Dammit Sam. I'm on vacation. Find someone else to take it. Or better yet do it yourself.” dean said before reaching up to kiss me. “you'll want to hear the details of this case first.” Sam said the irritation obvious in his voice. Dean pulled back and said “lay'em on me.”

dean kissed me while Sam gave the details. Finally Sam got up the nerve to say “who's there with you? You're only this cranky- you know what. Never mind. I'll find some one else to take the case. Enjoy the rest of your vacation. Call me when you're ready to get back to work.” Sam hung up.

Dean laid his phone on the nightstand. “now where were we before my assbutt brother interrupted?” I pulled him down and said “Right here.” I kissed him and we finished what we started. We spent the rest of the day in bed stopping only for food and the occasional nap.

We fell asleep at midnight. Dean had his arm draped over my waist, laying on his stomach. I was curled up next to him. I woke up at dawn to watch the sunrise. I got out of bed without waking dean. We both need the sleep but watching is compulsory for me. I have to watch the sunrise unless I've been knocked unconscious or I'm dead.

I heard dean get up and felt him wrap his arms around my waist. He didn't say anything. He understands that this is my time to feel human. Once the sun was up I said “this room has the best view in the whole house.” I pulled the curtains closed and crawled back into bed with Dean. We had been asleep for maybe three hours when my phone rang this time.

I pulled my phone out of my pants to see who had called. It was Lucifer. I called him back. “what took you so long to answer?” “I was sleeping and my phone was in my jeans which were laying on the floor.” I told him.

Dean rolled his head as if to protest the fact that I was awake. “what do you want?” “where's Dean? Nobody's seen him in two weeks. He said he was going on vacation. Then Sam called him and he apparently got pissy about having his vacation interrupted.”

I had bent over and was kissing dean while Lucifer was talking. “is he there with you?” “good question. I'll get back to you once I have an answer.” I hung up on him. Dean took the phone out of my hand and slapped it onto the nightstand next to his.

He mumbled still asleep “the next person to call will get punched in the face once I get back. Oh and the phone they call is getting thrown.” I didn't argue with him. I chuckled and slid back down next to him. He pulled me close and we went back to sleep.

The next person to call was chuck. Dean threw the phone against the wall. I decided it was time to get up and make food. I went to get out of bed when he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back. “dean, I’m starving. I'll be back just let me go fix something to eat.” he released me.

Chapter Text

I stood and pulled on my jeans. I was half way downstairs when I heard Dean curse then get out of bed. I was in the kitchen with several things laid out on the counter, when dean walked in with our cell phones in his hand. “remind me that chuck needs to get punched next time I see him.” I nodded and went about preparing lunch.

Dean was leaning up against the corner of the cabinet I wasn't currently using. He didn't say anything. When I had everything thrown together I gave dean his half. I took my phone out of his hand. Indeed chuck did call me. I ate lunch before I called chuck back.

“Cas, where the hell is dean?” “well hello to you as well. Ummmm. Lets see I'm tracking him through galena, mo.” dean leaned over and kissed me. “he said he was going on vacation two weeks ago. Nobody has heard from him and every time they call he keeps it short. Sam spoke to him yesterday and said he was cranky. You know what forget it. We give up. If he is there just tell him that we need him back here ASAP. We won't bother you again.”

chuck hung up. Dean pulled back. “they're all looking for me. You've been out of the picture for six years but if I go missing for two weeks everyone freaks out.” “it's because they're worried Dean. They're worried you might be dead in a ditch some where because you wrecked Baby driving after a bender. They know that the odds that I know where you are are pretty high but the odds of you actually being here are slim. They don't even know where I am and I am completely okay with that.”

“this entire house is a testament to my love for you. The whole thing was designed with you in mind. Every piece of furniture was made for you. I did it because I had to have an outlet for my emotions. This place is for you, me and what ever family we decide to raise. I would prefer it stay as off grid as possible.”

he nodded to show he understood. I grabbed the plates and took them to the sink. Dean followed me. He watched as I performed that simple task. “I've decided that we go back on Wednesday. That gives us a few more days together before everyone mobs the both of us.” I nodded to show I heard him.

I went upstairs to get a shower and naturally he followed me. We showered together. When we finally tumbled from the shower dean was laughing and saying that he loved the shower. I got dressed and threw some clothes for a few weeks into a bag of mine. I reached into the closet and pulled out the trench coat.

“god I forgot how much hell I went through in this coat.” “but how much heaven was created as well?” hmm. Good question. Now I need to think about it. I pulled it on and went to look in the mirror.

“don't worry, Cas. You are still a sexy beast. It's my job to keep everyone off you.” I looked behind me to where dean was laying on the bed still shirtless. I shook my head and shrugged out of the coat. I threw it across the bed so that it fell across dean.

I loved that we had our old camaraderie back. I love that we can laugh and joke about something as stupid as what I'm wearing that day. Nobody, human or angel, knows where I am because the house sits in a dead zone. The only person that I can read from the zone is dean.

I finished packing and looked at dean. He had that adorably cute smile on his face. It's the one he always saves for when we are alone. The one that says I'm gonna screw you six ways to Sunday and not feel bad about it when we can't walk. It was the smile he always gave me right before he got his way with anything.

I backed up a couple of steps. “no dean. You promised me.” “I didn't promise anything. I said we were going back on Wednesday. I said nothing about what comes between now and then. This whole vacation of mine was to work off six years of sexual frustration, Cas. All is fair in love and war and the tables have finally turned.”

I gave in. I was tired of fighting. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. He saw the moment I stopped fighting. He put the trench coat and the duffel bag I had been packing aside.

He got on his knees on my bed and reached across the bed to grab me by the waistband of my jeans. I looked down like oh I'm not wearing a shirt. The act of him grabbing my waistband threw me off balance so I fell into him. As I leaned against him the thought that I didn't just save him, he saved me popped into my head.

By then I was too drunk on Dean's kiss to elaborate on that thought. Oh well I will save it for later. I didn't protest when he laid me out on the bed and kissed his way down my body. He stopped at my waistband and looked up at me with that smile on his face. Several hours later we were side by side in bed trying to breathe.

We finally fell asleep after spending all day in bed again. I had a feeling that we were going to stay there until late Wednesday morning. We woke up Wednesday morning and dean insisted on breakfast first. I crawled out of bed. I didn't walk.

At that point I was just happy to be spending the day with him. We showered, got dressed, ate and got my stuff out to the trunk of Baby within a decent amount of time. That's not taking into account the fact that Dean is practically insatiable trying to make up for six years in a few days. He knows that once he gets back to his brother he's gonna have to put our love life on hold. He loves his brother dearly and would give his life for him but Sam also drives him bat-shit crazy sometimes.

It wasn't until we were in the car and on the road that I finally got around to mulling over the thought I had a couple of days ago before all the hot sweaty sex. The whole “I didn't just save him, he saved me” thought. In a way he did save me. I had been slowing slipping a little further into madness with every mission I went on. When I was appointed the one responsible for dragging Dean out of hell I didn't care if I lived or died until I laid hands on Dean.

At that point I started to care about my life. Even after everything we had been through we were still sane. It was only because we clung to each other for the sanity the other provided. My love for dean can't be undone can't be erased. Even when I had no clue who I was I knew that I still loved dean.

Chapter Text

It was about midnight and dean was okay with driving all night to get to his brother. I looked down to see dean holding my hand. He was nervous about this. I leaned over and laid a kiss on his forehead. It soothed his nerves just enough for him to relax his grip on the steering wheel.

“it's not the first time we've met the family, dean.” “yeah, well. I didn't tell anybody where I was going. I had tracked you down the best I could on the computer. It was six years ago you left so finding people still around who remembered you was hard. Then I lucked out at a truck stop diner. Woman remembered you. Said you mentioned family in Georgia. I know for a fact you have no family there.”

“the only family I ever needed I had to walk away from. Right up until you left everyone else I had not spoken to anyone for several years. I was content to live in the woods building furniture waiting for the day you would show up. I'm just sorry it took six years. I never stopped thinking about you.” I confessed.

Dean didn't say anything. He took the final turn to the bunker. I knew he was thinking over what I had said. He got out and braced himself for what was to come. I rubbed his back before taking my stuff from him.

Knowing dean he was swallowing down his deer in the headlights look. He opened the door to the bunker just as Sam threw himself out the door. He caught his brother in what would be spine crushing for a regular person hug. They stood there for a few minutes before Sam saw me over his brother's shoulder. The look on his face said everything.

Dean released his brother and said “I found him. We may need him for what's going to happen.” I hiked my bag even further up my shoulder as Sam walked over. He gave me a hug just not as tight as it was with Dean. He pulled back and said “long time no see.” there wasn't a trace of recrimination in his voice so I knew I was forgiven by him.

Dean threw his arms over our shoulders and said “shall we get it over with?” “we shall.” Sam and I managed to say at the same time. We went in to be surrounded by the entire family. By family I mean everyone of import to me or the brothers. Even Luci was there. That came as a shock.

Everyone greeted dean and me. It was odd being pulled back into the fold after having been out so long but there are somethings you never forget. I was sure everyone in the room wanted to have a private conversation with me. The first person to try was Sam. He tugged on my arm then headed for the door.

Once we were out of earshot of everyone, he turned to face me. He looked as if he didn't know what to say. Eventually he pulled it together and said “six years is a long time, Cas. Dean went crazy after you left and it took every single person in the other room to help put him back together. I know you love him and all but the whole leaving without a word thing broke his heart. Finally after he put down the bottle he started rampage hunting. He was hunting just for the thrill of being alive, just to feel something.
He didn't care who's side anybody was on. He was a walking dead man. Almost as bad as he had been when he didn't have a soul. And I think that when you walked away you took his heart and soul with you. Once he started drinking he stopped talking. He wouldn't speak to anybody for any reason. You put him through hell. Crowley, Lucifer, and even the archangels tried to fix him.
You know that those three never get involved in our lives for any reason whatsoever. Cas you were the only one who could save him and you left him. All I want to know is why?”

“I wish there was some way to explain why I put him through that. It will take time for you to understand that I did it with the best of intentions. I love dean but this was something he had to do on his own. I couldn't save him that time. It hurt to walk away from him.
He had to learn to re-function without me. I can't explain why but he needs to know how. Before I left I kept having these dreams and I knew I needed to listen to them. They were the reason I walked away from dean. I know that they weren't sent by a demon. Just trust me.
Six years without me is nothing compared to what will be going down soon. When it is all said and done this will all make sense to you. All I ask is that you not bring it up to dean. Right now just let him enjoy everything.”

Sam nodded before he rejoined the party. I went outside and was looking up at the stars when I heard someone come outside. It was Gabriel. He didn't say anything but he just sat in silence. I could hear the wheels in his mind rolling.

“i know why you did it. Every angel has been having those same dreams. I know you don't plan to tell him simply because it would make it worse. Anybody tied up in dean's life has had the dreams. They started after you left. Nobody will tell dean. We all swore each other to secrecy.
He's gonna take it really hard. Harder than when he took you leaving. You do know that he will do anything to keep you alive right?” “i know he will. Which is why he can never know.”

Gabe stood and walked away. I went inside to find everybody starting to wind down for the night. Dean grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his bedroom. We stripped down and got some sleep. I felt dean wake with a start that left him sitting up in bed. I sat up as well and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

He turned his head into my shoulder and that's when I knew that the dreams were back. I looked over at the clock on his nightstand. It was exactly twelve o'clock. I hushed dean and rubbed my hand in circles across his back. I knew that dean would pass the dreams off as just nightmares and not do anything about it.

I was counting on it happening. He finally fell asleep with a tight grip on one of my hands and his head on my chest. Once I knew that he had been out long enough I got up and went looking for my brother. I found him in the living room watching TV.

“did he have the nightmare?” he asked before I had even entered the room. I sat on the couch next to him and said “yeah, he did. I need you to make him forget that the dreams are real. I need it so that he doesn't remember them when he wakes up the next morning. I don't need him to worry about me because this has to happen.”

Gabe looked at me and said “this will take a ritual to do what you're asking. I can do it but I'm gonna need help, Cassie. I know that you only want this to keep him intact but the wall goes down when it all comes true.” I nodded. He turned the TV off and stood.

I stood as well and watched my brother leave to get what he needed before dean woke up. I went back to the room to see dean shaking in his sleep. I slipped back into bed with him and he stopped shaking. If I had my wings I would have wrapped them around him. We fell back asleep and I knew that Gabe would preform the ritual tomorrow once dean was asleep.

We woke up when Sam started banging on the door. I got up and pulled on jeans before opening the door. “breakfast is ready.” he said before he leaned in and whispered “we need to talk.” dean was already awake so we got dressed and went into the kitchen. Dean didn't ask what was going on. He just piled his plate full of food and dug in.

I ate as well. My stomach was turning flips so it was hard to eat a lot. I sat back and watched as Sam sent dean on a temporary wild goose chase so we could talk. Once he was gone, we all gathered around the table again. This time though Gabe showed up with Micheal of all people in tow.

“Gabe filled us in on what's going on with dean and how you want to handle it.” Sam said. “I only want to keep him intact until this whole thing is over. We don't need to deal with dean broken again. His nightmares will do just that. It will undo everything unless we act fast.” I told everyone there.
“I agree with the little brother.” both Gabe and Mich said. I raised an eyebrow because they have a hard time agreeing on anything. “we need dean intact right now. We can't have him running off half cocked because he's scared of losing Cas. Besides Heaven has plans for dean once everything starts. Cas is but a step in that plan and he is playing his part beautifully. Dean has to survive what is to come and he cannot know what is going on.” Mich elaborated.

“we do the ritual when he's asleep after he gets back. Before that though we need to set up. Cas, permission to enter?” Gabe asked. I nodded and the two took off for the room I shared with Dean. I loved that he asked before just entering. I looked around the table.

Everyone was worried. I couldn't reassure them because they knew as much as me but they had a right to be worried. This was not going to end well with everyone involved. Dean was going to hate me for everything but there was nothing I could do about it. It was only a matter of minutes before the two archangels came back into the room.

“we have prepared as much as possible. Now we await his return and slumber. I want everyone not involved out of the bunker. If we need you we will call. Cas, you are staying here. It is the only way to insure that it goes right. Also we want him sedated for the ritual.” Mich said.

I nodded. Sam was going to protest but a curt shake of the head from Gabe shut him up. Mich handed me the sedative. I was to make sure he received it. I knew just how as well

Chapter Text

Everyone scattered because dean was on his way home and he was pissed. Mich went invisible and Gabe went back to being the Trickster. Dean walked in the door pissed as hell. It was funny to see but I knew better than to laugh. Gabe had pulled a trick on him before the door to the bunker was even open.

I grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bathroom. He was going to need a shower to get all the syrup that Gabe had dumped on him off. I wasn't there to see it but I could tell it would have had everyone rolling on the floor. Dean was far from happy about the trick and the false hunt we had sent him on.

I turned the water on as warm as it would go and shoved dean into the shower fully clothed. He waited a few minutes before he started pulling his no longer sticky clothes off. He threw them out of the shower so he could get to lathering up with soap. I put his clothes in the laundry so that they could get washed. I walked into the bathroom again to see dean struggling to soap up his hair.

I opened the curtain and grabbed the bottle before running my hands through his hair. That was when I noticed that the trick was two part. Dean was not going to be happy. The syrup had contained dye of every color. I was trying not to laugh.

I finished washing his hair as best I could. He rinsed his hair and turned the shower off. I handed him a towel as he got out. He dried off and got dressed as if he wasn't several different colors. That's when I knew that only dean couldn't see it. I didn't have the Grace to fix it.

He dried his hair before turning to face me. “thank you. That would have been a son of a bitch to get off once it had dried.” he said. I considered saying something to him. “dean-” “yeah Cas.” “the syrup wasn't the only part of that trick.”

he opened the door and roared “GABRIEL. GET YOUR TAIL END OUT HERE AND FIX IT.” Gabe showed up out side the door and said “you know that really is your color but I don't think you would know CONSIDERING YOU CAN'T SEE IT.” dean grabbed the angel and shook him really hard. I stepped out of the bathroom and edged around them. This was between them and I wasn't getting involved.

By the time I could get away they were snapping at each other as Gabe told dean every color he had been doused with. This was going to be a long night I could tell. I went into the kitchen to see Mich sitting on the counter. “they argue like a married couple because Gabe gets his kicks from teasing dean and dean retaliating. You do know this is going to go on forever?” I nodded as I pulled a beer out of the fridge.

It was at that moment dean walked into the kitchen to see Mich sitting on the counter. Dean greeted Mich before walking over to me and pulling the beer out of my hand. He kissed me before I protested. I could hear Mich laughing at Gabe's uncomfortableness. Dean pulled away and took a pull off my beer. I snatched my beer back before he could drink the whole thing.

Dean went to get one out of the fridge because I wasn't sharing with him. Once he had popped the top he wrapped an arm around my waist and switched places with me so that I was leaning against him and he was leaning against the counter. Gabe was uncomfortable because dean had kissed me in the kitchen. I noticed that dean wasn't multicolored anymore. I guess he had won that fight.

Also, Gabe was trying to save Grace for tonight. Dean didn't question Mich's presence. I'm guessing that after I had left he would occasionally show up just to decompress from Heaven. We stood in the kitchen talking for a while til both Mich and Gabe came up with an excuse to leave for a little while. I turned to dean who had this grin on his face like Gabe was about to be royally pissed off at him tomorrow.

I shook my head and got started on making dinner for the two of us. That was when dean noticed that anyone non-angel had disappeared, even his brother. “where is everyone?” “I have no clue. I guess they knew you would be upset about the whole hunt thing and wanted to avoid your anger.” I told him honestly. “they didn't tell me where they were going.”

he shook his head. I finished cooking so we sat and ate. After we were done we moved into the living room. We cuddled together on the couch to watch a movie. About half way through I got up and got dean a fresh beer.

I laced this one with the sedative that Mich had given me. Once the movie was over the sedative was working. I got him to the bedroom and into bed. As soon as he was out my brothers showed up. They wanted to wait til he was having the nightmares to preform the ritual. And have the nightmares he did.

I stood next to the wall watching dean thrash in his sleep. Once they finished dean fell into a deeper, more peaceful sleep. They turned to me, leaning against each other and said “It is done.” I watched them leave before I crawled into bed beside dean. He curled up against me and said with a contented sigh “Cas”.

We woke up the next morning as everyone poured back into the bunker. Chuck grabbed me by the arm and dragged me outside before I could even comprehend what was going on. We started walking and he filled me in on what dean had been doing while I was gone. “I know you want to protect him but you are going to hurt him.” “I have faith in him but this must be done. I cannot explain to you how I know but I do.”

I walked away from Chuck after that. I met dean in the living room. Chuck was right behind me. I innocently reminded dean about his promise back at the house. He walked over to chuck and said “no offense for this but-” then smashed his fist right into Chuck's face. It knocked him to the ground as chuck let out a groan.

Dean then offered chuck a helping hand up. As he was being pulled up he said “what the hell was that, Winchester?” “I made a promise several days ago that the next person to call either me or Cas was getting punched in the face. You happened to be the unlucky caller and Cas got his phone thrown against a wall. It was nothing too personal, alright.”

chuck just walked away shaking his head. Dean kissed me before dragging me into the kitchen for pancakes. I could tell that everyone was happy to have the old Dean back. The one who could laugh and joke. The one who was still in possession of his soul.

We finished cooking just as Gabe appeared in the kitchen. I was just sitting down to eat when he grabbed me by the shoulder and teleported me to an empty field. I was surprised to see that several of my siblings were there. In the middle of all of this was Lucifer. He was rolling a glass jar around in his hands.

I shuddered to think about what would happen next because I had no clue what I was doing there. I should have protested at being dragged away from my breakfast but something told me this was important to everybody involved. Gabe dragged me into the middle of my siblings. I looked around and saw the three archangels, Hannah, and several angels who had supported me during the whole war in Heaven. Raphael was dead.

Lucifer stopped the jar rolling once I stood before him. “Castiel, angel of Thursday, Seraph of the Seventh level, you have been brought before a Tribunal of peers to be judged worthy of Re-Ascension. We have discussed and decided your fate. We know what is to happen. Know this, angel, we fully support what you need to do. Now it is time for the Tribunal to announce your fate.” he said before stepping back between Gabe and Mich.

The angels, one by one, announced their decision. I was in shock at the support I had from my siblings. When it was over, Lucifer stepped forward once more and said “It is agreed that he should be restored. If all are in agreement then let it be so. If one has objections then speak now or forever hold your peace.” after a momentary silence he nodded.

“If none object, then his Grace is his own and shall belong to no one but him. We altered your Grace so that it responds to none but you or whoever you choose as a mate. May he be fit for the position he shall soon find himself in.” Lucifer took the bottle he held in his hands and smashed it on the ground. I saw the bottle shatter and the light inside race for me. I held out my hands as if I was going to embrace it.

I felt it race around and through me. I was overjoyed to have it back. I could tell that it was happy to be back. I almost fell on my face as my back seized up from trying to regrow my wings. I went to my knees holding in my scream of agony and joy.

My brothers stepped forward to help me but I waved them back. With one last seizure of my back muscles, my wings unfurled with a snap almost knocking several of my siblings to the ground because they did not jump back fast enough. With a shrug I stood as my wings flexed several times. Without a word to anyone, I took off into the air. I wanted to feel the wind in my feathers, the sun on my face, the joy of flying once again. I had been surface-bound for far too long.

After I had almost worn myself out flying I landed in the field to find that it was almost empty. All that remained of the Tribunal was Lucifer, Michael, and Gabriel. They were smiling at my simple joy. They hugged me before going on with their lives. I teleported back to the bunker when I knew dean wasn't around.

Chapter Text

This is an apology from me to the fans reading this story. I have been out camping with my dad and have not had access to the wiffy. As soon as i get back to civilisation i promise to do a mass update to make up for the radio silence. I will keep all of you posted and i would love to hear what you think of the story.

Chapter Text

I wanted to surprise everybody with the news. The others had already promised not to tell. I folded my wings and hid them with Grace. I went looking for everyone only to find them in the living room of the bunker. When I stepped into the room, all eyes swung to me. Dean picked himself up out of the armchair he was sitting in.

he walked over and asked “where in the hell have you been? Gabe showed up at breakfast two days ago and pulled you away without a word. We have been looking for you.” “Damn. I was looking forward to those pancakes.” I said.

I leaned forward and whispered in dean's ear “we need to talk. Now.” he nodded once I pulled back. I looked around the room and saw my brothers standing in the corner. I said nothing to them but I saw them nod. I grabbed dean's hand and my brothers all snapped at the same time.

Dean and I were sent to a place where we could do no harm with what was to happen. I let dean go and wandered around the room my brothers had designed for us. Without thinking I dropped the spell on my wings and shrugged my shoulders. When I turned to face dean he was staring at my wings. I could see the thoughts running across his face as he struggled to process what was going on.

“yes, I got my Grace back. That's why Gabe pulled me away. I stood before a tribunal and was found worthy of Re-Ascension. The angels had fun tampering with my Grace. It will only accept two people. Me and whoever I claim as a mate.
My mate would inherit my place, Grace and title should I ever be killed. They would have to report to Luci, Mich, and Gabe for angel training. Those three had already promised that they would train whoever I so chose. It will be rough but my mate would survive. I have already chosen my mate.” I explained to him.

I could feel my Grace reaching out for his soul. Buried at the core of Dean's soul was the smallest sliver of a piece of my Grace. I had bound it so that only I could use it to heal him should the situation ever call for it. He could not feel it but I could. It was what I had used after the witch had poisoned him.

It was what made our bond so profound. It was why I could feel him and he could feel me. I could see the hurt on his face at my declaration that I had already chosen a mate. I walked up to him and put my hand under his chin. I lifted his chin so I could see his face when I told him.

“the person I have chosen to be my mate is you. I have never known a brighter soul to exist. When I gripped you tight and raised you from perdition I fell in love with you. The claim I made on your soul was so powerful that it marked you.” I raised his shirt sleeve to bare my brand to the world.

I could see in his eyes he wasn't entirely sure about this. I closed my eyes and kissed his forehead. I let it all seep into him. When I pulled back I could see the understanding in his eyes. With understanding came the love I always knew was there. Without a word to me he kissed me long and hard.

Chapter Text

That night I claimed him. The force of our bond was so strong it knocked both of us out. When I came to I was wrapped around dean. I would have moved but I could not. Dean did not know it but he was pinning me to the bed til he came around. I was content to watch him sleep.

I did not know it until later but between my wings was a perfect imprint of dean's left hand. I could tell that he would be coming around soon. About five minutes later he did. I felt the change in the air and in my mind. I fluffed my wings and two seconds later dean had plunged his hands up to the wrist in the feathers.

He started stroking and grooming my wings. It took all of my self control to wait til he finished. Once he removed his hands I moaned from the lack of sensation. He chuckled upon finding out how sensitive my wings are. He had me all hot and bothered from playing with my wings so I gave it to him just as well.

When we surfaced for air I heard dean's phone ringing. I'm surprised that he has cell reception in this voided realm. Dean got up to answer the phone. It was Sam. Normally I love our eccentric little family but right then I hated everybody. They were interrupting my honeymoon.

That is essentially what my brothers gave me. It was a realm my father had lost interest in shortly after creating so the angels used it for various reasons. My brothers being who they were had locked us in and everybody else out for about a week. That was their gift to me. I was grateful because the harm done to earth from the force of our bond would have leveled New York City.

When dean got off the phone with his brother he flopped down on the bed with a huff. “what's wrong, babe?” I asked him. “Sam was sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. He was trying to find us even after he was told by three very invested archangels to leave us be. He was told that we would return when the time ran out.”
I could hear the eye roll dean was doing. I chuckled. “he's going to find out the hard way that when archangels tell you to leave well enough alone, you do so. This will be a good learning experience for him. I would love to see him try to find us because he won't.
My brothers had the decency to send us somewhere where no harm would be done in the forging of our bond. This place is not of earth so Sam would never find it. Basically my brothers sent us on an angelic honeymoon. They locked us in here and locked everyone else, including themselves, out. Once the time specified by runes has been reached then the realm will reopen to everyone.”

dean rolled onto his side and said “honeymoon?” “out of that entire speech, all you heard was honeymoon. Really dean?” I shook my head laughing. He leaned down and kissed me distracting me from my thoughts. Before we could go any farther my cell phone rang. I threw across the room in a blast of Grace.

Dean raised an eyebrow but never stopped kissing me. When both of us were on the edge he slid home and I screamed in pleasure as we piggy backed our pleasure off each other. Before we knew it we fell into ecstasy. After we were too tired to do a whole lot so dean slept and I kept watch. I would have gotten up and checked on my phone but I was skeptical of my ability to walk at the moment.

When I was sure of my walking abilities I climbed out of bed without waking dean. I picked up my phone and grimaced at the damage I had done to it. I sighed and fixed it with my Grace. I felt dean stir at the usage. Once it was fixed I turned it back on to see who had called. The person who had called had been Luci.

I read the message he had left when I didn't answer. It said “I don't mean to interrupt anything but just to give you a heads up the locks wear off at midnight in three days. Oh and even on earth we felt the force. Nobody will mess with you two. Remember that you are stronger together no matter what the state of your relationship. Gabe and Mich got you guys a gift when you get back. Sam won't leave well enough alone so we locked him in a voided realm as well. I think Gabe is with him. I'm happy for the two of you. You guys deserve to be happy, so do the Winchester brothers.”

I sighed and went to crawl back into bed with dean when I felt his arms wrap around my waist. I felt him press a kiss to my back between my wings. Almost like they have a mind of their own, they wrapped around him even in the odd position he was in. they craved some form of contact with him. I bit back a gasp when he started stroking them.

He was fast learning that my wings will never lie and that they are incredibly sensitive to his touch. I was going to tell him what was going on with his brother but he distracted me so I forgot about it. We spent the next day being lazy and spending as little energy as possible. We spent the rest of our time in the realm wrapped up in each other, learning what makes each other tick.

When the locks expired at midnight on the third day, we woke up in Dean's room. When we saw where we were, dean went back to sleep, I stayed the watch. Being the curious critter that I was I wanted to know what dean was dreaming about. I slipped into his dreams so cautiously that he didn't know I was there. I watched in abject fascination as dean had the nightmare that he would never remember.

Chapter Text

In this nightmare, I was kidnapped by a rouge angel that had been hiding on earth. This angel knew that I had connections in Heaven and wanted back in. to get in she was going to steal my Grace at the cost of my life. She would kill me not planning on the reaction my Grace would have. She would kill me mercilessly without planning for dean.

This angel had been on earth since the Creation and the Fall. She had witnessed the Re-Ascension of Lucifer. She used to be his lover and wanted to see him suffer for the misery he had caused her. To do that she needed to get into Heaven. The funny thing is I have gotten closer to my brother and now understand why he did what he did.

He never loved the angel enough to Bond with her. That is why she wanted to see him miserable. Him being caged was not enough for her but for the time being it had been enough. Now that he was out she wanted his misery. To do that she was willing to kill for her own ends. She would fail to contingency plan for things she did not foresee.

I slipped out of dean's dreams when I felt him stir and call my name in his sleep. I slid out of bed when he quieted. I walked into the kitchen to find Gabe sitting on the counter. I shook my head because I knew what he had been doing. “like you weren't doing the same.” he retorted to the look on my face.

I shoved him off the counter and said “stay out of my head.” “I wasn't in your head, little brother. You're just too easy to read.” he said. I crouched and grabbed the saucepan. Dean would be looking for me soon and I wanted to surprise him with a midnight snack.

I put the milk for the hot chocolate I was making on the stove. I was reaching over to turn the eye on when I heard something hit the wall. I ignored it which was a bad thing to do. A few seconds later I felt a cold chill run down my spine. I turned the stove off and went looking for dean. I found him in the bedroom but he was not alone.

I shook my head. Really, what was my brother thinking disturbing dean while he was sleeping? I saw dean had pinned Gabe to the wall. I decided not to interfere with this because it was not my fight. I went back to the kitchen to finish what I had started.

When I had finished with dean's midnight cocoa I put a splash of whiskey in it. I topped it with whipped cream and headed for the bedroom. I found dean sitting in the middle of the bed. Gabe was sitting in the corner. His head whipped up when he smelled the chocolate.

The man was a sugar addict through and through. You could never take it from him. I handed the mug to dean as Gabe whined about being left out. I shook my head as dean took a sip of the cocoa. He smiled and I could tell it was just what he needed at the moment.
It steadied him while reenforcing the fact that I was there for him. He couldn't lie to me about having dreams he never remembered because I had seen to it he wouldn't remember. I sat next to him as Gabe slunk out of the room to go find Sam. He was going to coerce the younger Winchester into making him some cocoa.

Sure enough I heard Sam yell. “there's trouble in paradise.” dean said with a chuckle. He drained the last of the mug before setting it on the nightstand and turning out the light. I wrapped my arms around him as he settled in for the rest of the night. As he drifted off I heard Sam yelling fit to wake the dead.

When the sun rose the next morning, Gabe had worked Sam into a frenzy. I'm surprised that dean managed to sleep thorough it. At breakfast, neither one of them were talking to each other. They refused to acknowledge the others existence. Dean walked into the kitchen and pressed a kiss to the side of my head before he started making breakfast.

Nobody commented on the tension between the two but dean did comment on the fact that I had brought him cocoa that night. I could hear the bitch face Sam was making at me for starting the war last night. I said nothing about it. I was comfortable just enjoying what time I had left with my family. I heard the flutter of wings as Gabe left.

Then there was the flutter as Mich and Luci let themselves in. wisely they said nothing about what was going on between Gabe and Sam. Instead they said “Cas, dad needs you upstairs.” I nodded.

I kissed dean before I left. I showed up right outside the Seventh level of Heaven. I let myself in. dad was standing by a globe as if he was planning the best way to bring humanity to its knees. “son, it's been a while, hasn't it?” I nodded.

“I know you got the voice mail I left you several years ago. I want your opinion on humanity. I'm trying to find a reason to leave most of them alive.”

“well, for starters, they are extremely resilient. You throw them something they never saw coming and most of them will bounce back in time. They always find hope in the most hopeless of situations. Above all is the capacity with which they love. Even when they have been betrayed by those closest to them they still find it within their hearts to forgive and continue loving.
They are imperfectly perfect. They have flaws but it is through understanding those flaws that they struggle to be better. Yeah, sure there are the hopelessly corrupt that cannot be fixed but most of them are willing to try. Most are willing to try for the sake of those they love. There are those who would lay down their lives for those they love. If that is not devotion then I'm wrong altogether and you should just level everything.”

dad pondered my words for a moment before he said “you were thinking of the Winchester brothers.” “yes and no. the Winchester brothers are everything I have said but so is the majority of humanity. All any of them are trying to do is survive in the world they have created for themselves. The only difference between the Winchester brothers and everyone else is that they know Heaven, and hell exist. Everyone else is always pondering what happens after death. The Winchester brothers know that more exists on the other side.”

“thank you, son. I know I never say it enough but I truly am proud of you and your mate. Otherwise I would not have put the effort that I did into his soul. I created him for you. Just as Sam is to Gabe. All I wanted was for my children to be happy but it seems as if I will never get to see that happen.
I know what's coming. I did not plan for it but then again once I set things in motion they are beyond my control. This is one of those things. Everyone forgot about her. I have no idea why everyone is having that premonition but it probably has to do with the fact that you and dean are vital to the balance of the universe.
Without you four everything will get thrown way out of control even for me. I just want to say that I'm truly sorry for what will happen. When you're ready everything will work out. Just hold on and never lose faith, in me, dean and yourself. I love you son.”

he gave me a hug and I could feel that he meant everything he had said. He let me go and I went back to the bunker. I sat down heavily on the couch. My head was spinning from the conversation I just had. I finally went looking for dean and found him with Sam in the library.

Apparently they were researching a case. That was a good thing because I was jumpy and needed out for a little while. After about five minutes, even dean was jumpy. Finally Sam snapped at me. I didn't take it personally. I wandered the bunker til dean was ready to go to bed.

It was two in the morning when they finally called it quits. As dean was getting into bed that night he asked me how the visit with dad had went. I replayed the conversation for dean through our bond. He simply raised an eyebrow because his mind shied away from the part of the conversation about the premonition due to the ritual.

He went to bed without asking questions. I wrapped him in my arms and he buried his hand in my wings. I smiled as he drifted off like a child with his security blanket. I closed my eyes and whispered “thanks, dad for giving me the chance to know this kind of love.” I heard his small chuckle through angel radio. To dean I whispered “I am always with you. I am always watching out for you.”

Chapter Text

dean was awakened before he was ready to get up because of the thump on the door. Because I was holding him I felt when he jumped. I rubbed my hand across his back to calm him just as there was another thump. He got up and opened the door with more force than was necessary.

It did not surprise me that Sam was standing on the other side. The only thing weird about the scene was the fact that he was lip locked to my brother. Dean shook his head and closed the door with the same amount of force that he opened it with. He crawled back into bed and my arms just as another thump sounded on the door.

I wrapped my wings around him using them as a soundproof shield as he fell back asleep. I didn't move until he was ready to wake up. By that time it was almost noon but I knew what dean would never tell his brother. He was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. If he didn't get the rest he needed he was of no use to anyone.

He got up and showered. I showered with him and let him wash my wings. He took pleasure in that simple task. While he did I imagined the rest of my life with him. He was a hunter through and through. Our kids would be hunters. It was in his blood and I knew dean would make a great father despite what he thought.

I could see our kids. Two boys and a girl. The boys would always be overprotective. The girl would be just as tough as her brothers. I smiled at the thought. I was torn from my thoughts by the scream.

I heard dean sigh as he turned the water off and grabbed towels for us. We dried off and dressed before going to investigate. Turns out Gabe was throwing a fit and had thrown something across the room. Without thought I grabbed my brother before it could go any further. I called for Mich and Luci as I pulled Gabe into the voided realm.

When we got there our brothers were waiting. Gabe was still throwing his fit. Finally Mich grounded his Grace until he could tell us what was going on. When he finally started talking it all came out. I was shaking my head as I remembered what dad had told me.

Luci was looking at me funny. I explained the conversation to him. He smiled then we turned to Gabe. Mich had finally managed to talk him down enough to get the story from him. Like dean had said “there's trouble in paradise.”

apparently Sam was still raging against Gabe for the midnight cocoa incident even though he had apologized. It wasn't just that though. Gabe was molting and wanted reassurance from Sam that everything between them was okay. Sam was giving Gabe the cold shoulder and it was doing damage that neither of them were prepared to deal with.

I watched as Luci walked over to Mich and rubbed his back while Mich held Gabe as he bawled his eyes out. I reached out to dean through the bond to find that Sam was also crying. They needed to talk much like dean and I had needed to at one point in time. We had worked out through letters we had written for each other everyday. We were willing to try.

I was wondering if my brother would survive but I knew that they would make it because of what dad said. I told Gabe as much. He quieted down as I told him what our dad had said about the Winchester brothers. He seemed to accept that he was going to stick to Sam and never leave. With that thought in his head he took off to confront Sam and settle things between them once and for all.

I watched my older brothers before I went back to dean. I would swear there was something between them because they were practically joined at the hip since they had been let out of the cage. Just as I left I saw that split second kiss that told me all I needed to know. I wasn't going to say anything. They would announce it when they were ready. All of my siblings but mainly those two deserve to be happy.

I went back to dean and led him back to bed. He was still tired and was not up to dealing with his brother and I was not in the mood to put up with what I knew was coming. I wrapped my arms and wings around him as he settled in for a nap. Once again he plunged his hands into the feathers on my wings. It would always make me smile knowing that it was his way of making sure I was still there.

As I held him I heard Gabe and Sam start yelling. He stirred so I tightened my grip on him and he calmed down. When I was sure I could get away from him, I went into the living room where they were. I could see Mich and Luci were leaning against the wall taking bets where this argument ended. I cocked an eyebrow at them.

It wasn't surprising when they both blushed beet red. I tapped Sam on the shoulder and he spun around really fast. I would have cracked a joke but I wanted to get back before dean woke up. “can you two be any louder? Dean is sleeping and he really needs it. If you two are going to argue then go somewhere where you won't disturb the other occupants of the Batcave.”

I saw Gabe nod from behind Sam. I looked over at my other brothers as they made themselves scarce. They knew that I was going into that overprotective side that was not pretty to see. Gabe grabbed Sam's arm and said “he's right. Besides right now is not the best time to get into with Cas. Trust me.”

Chapter Text

Sam nodded and let Gabe take him out of the bunker. I knew why I was so overprotective of dean right now. I was going through my first heat and messing with me or my mate was bad news for everyone involved. I knew what could happen and I was all for letting it happen. I wanted to carry dean's child. I wanted to see the look in his eyes as he held onto something that he had a hand in making.

I wanted to see that but at the same time it probably wouldn't given the fact that I had a death threat hanging over my head. I walked back into the bedroom just as dean was waking up. His subconscious mind noticed I was missing. I sat on the bed and wrapped my arms around him before leaning in for a kiss. He moaned and went back to sleep.

As he slept I figured it was a good time to see how he was holding up. I closed my eyes and reached for his soul. It rolled over at the first touch but reached out to me once it realized who I was. Some of the scars he had carried from his insecurities about us were gone. The others were slowly fading.

I reached out a mental finger and stroked his soul. I felt it shiver at the contact but the surprising thing was when it slowly reached out to me. The spiritual contact was keeping dean from dreaming but he needed to know how much I loved him. When I'm connected to him like this I cannot lie about my feelings. I reached for the shard of Grace and it reacted by almost jumping out of the bonds I had it confined to.

I quieted it with a touch. The rest of my Grace was happy to see the missing piece. I could feel the demand rolling off the Grace but I shushed it with a promise. I told it that one day I would come back from it. I told it that its job was to protect dean be it from outside harm or harm he inflicted on himself. The Grace agreed and quieted. I stroked dean's soul one last time before I opened my eyes.

His soul was reluctant to let go. I reached over and quieted both the man and his soul with a kiss. By then dean was awake and watching me with dark green eyes. I knew enough about him to know what he wanted when his eyes turned that color. Before we knew he had pulled us into pleasure again.

When he awoke the next morning I told him the truth. I saw him suck in a breath as he thought about last night. “So you're telling me that there's a chance you are carrying my child?” all I could do was nod. He wasn't upset. He just didn't know how to process that fact.

He pulled on a pair of jeans before grabbing his leather jacket and leaving. I knew without a doubt he would be back. He just needed to clear his head. As I was walking to the kitchen I heard the Impala roar. It would be a while before he came home.

I leaned my forehead against the cabinet and sighed. I heard the flutter of wings then “I take it he didn't take the news too well?” “what gave it away? The fact that he's not here or the fact that he left half dressed without shoes?” “since when did you develop a sense of sarcasm? I think you've been with Winchester too long.”

I turned around to face my brother. “why are you even here, Gabe? I thought you were too busy trying to make up with Sam?” “ah, but we did make up. I'm here because as an archangel it's my job.”

I face palmed myself and said “it happened didn't it?” all he did was nod. He approached me gently before looking to me for permission to lift my shirt. I nodded and he lifted it before putting a hand to my stomach. He focused for a second before he put my shirt down.

“I believe that congratulations are in order. I won't tell the others. It is your place to tell or not to. I know dean won't take the news very well. You know our brothers would support you in whatever you decide.”

“I want to keep it but at the same time I'm scared to death that he will ask me to get rid of it. I want to talk to him before I make any decisions. What if he does ask me to get rid of it? What if he isn't ready to be a father?” I confessed to my brother.

“he'll come around. You don't have to tell him right away. Just give him time.” “I don't have time, Gabe. As a matter of fact, I'm running out of time. I could tell him then he has to lose both me and the future we could have had with our child.”

I took a deep breath after my little tirade. “I've made up my mind. I'm not telling him. I won't let him suffer from that kind of heartache. It would kill him. As long as he's alive I stand a chance of surviving Death.”

“Dad told you what he's planning once you die, right?” I shook my head. “it doesn't matter because neither of you need know.” I shook my head again in frustration. I swear to Dad I was starting to lose my temper over riddles and half truths.

It was pissing me off. I huffed a breath and went to change. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t shirt after my shower. When I went back to the living room dean and his brother were discussing what had happened. I stood in the hallway and listened in shamelessly. Dean was still upset enough he couldn't sense me.

“Sam, I'm not ready for this. I can't be a father. How am I supposed to fit a child into my life?”

“the same way that you fit me and Cas. I know that you would never want your child to be a hunter but it's the only way. Cas would teach it to control its powers and you would do anything to protect them. It's in your blood to protect those you love. Admit it you'll never be the same after Cas but you deserve to be happy. If Cas having your child is what it takes to make you settle down then so be it. I see the way you two act around each other. I'm just happy you two finally acted on your attraction. For six years y'all danced around it. Then he left and you fell apart. All of us did our best to help hold you together but there was not a lot we could do. Then you show up with him in tow and I knew that you'd had enough of being alone and broken because the only person who could fix you was Cas. You are ready for this but you don't know how to accept that you are finally getting everything you want because you still feel like you don't deserve it. Stop trying to rationalize this and just accept it. You know you want it and it would mean the world to you. You won't win against the force between you and Cas. If you were given the gift of life then God must think you would make a damn good parent. Besides I think he's trying to send you a message that it's time to stop hunting.”

“are you done with the chick flick moment, Sam? I'll talk to him tonight. I still need time to wrap my head around it.” I heard dean say after Sam ranted. Before dean could leave the living room I left for Heaven. I was in no mood to face him or any of my siblings so I went to my place in Heaven.

Dad knew the place existed but he never told anyone it was there. I had been lucky enough to stumble across it the first time. I had been out flying. At the far edge, where Heaven meets Earth there is a pocket of empty space. I always went there when my siblings were irritating me for being different.

I remember when Dad found me there one day. He had smiled and told me that he was never planning to use that space. He told me I could make it what ever I wanted. He told me that he was creating this soul and he wanted my input on it. That was odd because I was just a fledgeling and Dad never asked for input from us.

Once I was standing in my space I face palmed myself. Dean was the soul Dad had asked me to help with. It wasn't just his soul but his body as well. All of this washed over me as I stood in a place I have not visited for years. Dad being Dad it was spotless. It took me a second before I saw the letter laying on the table.

Dear Castiel,

If you are reading this then everything I was afraid of has come true. I cannot control what it to occur. That's the nasty thing about free will and destiny. I can control some things but others are beyond even me. She wants it so much that I cannot change her mind. She believes that you are the key to whatever she has planned.
If I could prevent this, I would love to see you and dean happy. I would love to see the two of you settled down in a cabin somewhere raising kids. In fact I may see that. You and dean deserve to be happy. Between the Apocalypse, Metatron, and Purgatory you two deserve so much more than this.
Dean will come around to the idea of having kids. Just give him time. I really wish this didn't have to happen to you. One day when this is over you'll see your mate and child again. Normally I would never allow such a thing to exist but between you and dean exists the kind of love I would wish for everyone else.
The love you have for each other will be more than sufficient for the hurdles you will face as fathers. I want what's best for you. I know you believe this which is why the house in Georgia will remain off grid. Also Sam will now be living nearby so that he can keep an eye on Dean. I love you son and I'm sorry this will happen.

It was signed by my dad. It was dated for several weeks ago. I know that he knew I had it. I was just killing time when I heard Dean praying to me. “Cas, I know I stormed out of the bunker this morning but it was a lot for me to wrap my head around. You know I take some time to figure these things out. If you would come down maybe we could talk.”

Chapter Text

before he had even said amen I was standing behind him. He turned around when he heard the flutter of wings. “Cas can we talk about what happened this morning?” he waited for me to nod before he started in on his speech.

“Cas I know I overreacted this morning but the news just shocked me is all. I had just got you back after six years. It was sudden knowing that you could possibly be carrying my child. Sam berated me this morning until I can to realize that I want to have a family with you. I want to see you carrying my kid. I can almost imagine what our kids would look like. I can see them running through the house in Ga before bounding onto our bed and waking us up. I can see us with three kids and a dog. I have never wanted a dog but I could see us with one. I can see you and me on the porch swing watching the kids run rampant across the backyard as our dog runs after them. I want to have kids with you but for some unknown reason I also know that now is not the time for you to be carrying my kid Cas. I just- maybe later alright?”
dean swiped his hands across his face and through his hair in frustration. “I totally understand if you don't want kids right now. But you have to understand that angels don't carry children like humans do. For the first three months the child is nothing but energy. Because I am a male vessel my Grace will make room for the child but not until five months have passed. Dean I love you and no matter what you think I want to have your child. I want to look down and see your eyes staring back at me. You would make a wonderful father. You are ready for this no matter how much you think you are going to be a terrible parent or how much you don't deserve this. Dad told me that you and Sam have a right to be happy. That means starting a family with me and settling down for now then by all means lets.”

dean could only nod. He leaned in and planted a kiss on my lips and I kissed him back with everything I was hiding from him. I tried to tell him with a kiss what I could never say to him. I wanted him to see what I saw from the beginning. I pulled back and he got my unspoken message.

We went back to the bunker and spent the night making up. The next morning things kind of imploded. The world we had created for ourselves in the bunker was gone. It was the moment that Kushiel decided to act on her desire for revenge. She stormed the bunker as we were lax in our routine.

Gabe and I put up a huge fight but she bound Gabe in a holy fire circle so he could only watch as I was taken. I was taken to a warehouse where she strapped me to a chair with grace binding symbols. She force me to materialize my wings just so she could string them with hooks and chains. I refused to scream until she plunged a hook through each one of my wings. It wasn't the physical torture that bothered me.

I was scared her binding my Grace would harm the child. I reached inward as she continued to tear me apart. I reached out to the child and whispered to it to find Dean. It didn't matter what Kushiel did until she skinned the hand print off my back. I screamed as the physical representation of my bond was torn from my body.

I knew that dean was feeling just an echo of the pain I was feeling. I reached out to him so he could find us. He found us all right. Kushiel was standing behind me when Dean burst into the warehouse with Gabe, Sam, Michael and Lucifer. I could feel the moment the majority of my Grace took up residence in Dean.

Kushiel put her angel blade up to my throat and said “how nice of you to finally make an appearance, Lucifer. I've been waiting for this day for many a millennium. I know that you were close to this angel even if Castiel doesn't remember everything you did for him. See you refused to Bond with me yet you Bonded the angel that threw you into Hell. How does that work?”
“I never loved you the way I love him. You were a distraction from my true feelings. If I had felt for you what I felt for him we would not be here. You would not be holding my little brother at sword point. He has a mate standing three feet from you who would kill you if given the chance. Dad has plans for those two. If you kill little Cassie you will bring the wrath of Heaven down on you. You will be dead less than five seconds after you drive the knife through his heart. You have three archangels, a very pissed off Righteous Man who is also that angel's mate, and also a very pissed off Hunter Bonded to an archangel. You are asking for Death.”

“I have been asking for Death since you rejected me. Everyone swore we would be Bonded before the end of century. Then you had to go and rebel against Dad. Once you had Fallen how could I associate with you? How could I show my face in Heaven? Maybe I did all of this for Death. I could never have another after you.”

“so all of this was to get back at me for rejecting you? Wow. You really went all out didn't you? You kidnap my favorite brother outside of my mate, lock my brother in holy oil, then torture my favorite brother only to kill him in front of me? You are seriously asking for divine retribution. There will be no afterlife for you.”

Kushiel shrugged and dragged the angel blade across my throat. I heard dean scream just before she shoved the blade into my heart. The last thing I saw was the absolute destruction on dean's face. I could see the Bond shattering in his eyes before I died. In the end Kushiel died a fashion befitting her name.

In the end I died living up to my name. It was a sunny Thursday morning when I died. All I had wanted was to live quietly with Dean raising our kids and hunting. Dean deserved so much more than to be shattered by losing me.

Chapter Text

In the end I think I gave him the best of me even as he clung to the now lifeless vessel I had once called home. He would carry and raise our child. It had hurt knowing that our dreams of settling down and raising kids was gone. In reality I should be gone but I live on through dean. I live on in the love he bears me even as I watch him struggle with losing me.

Even if he could not see me I leaned down and kissed his forehead where it lay against the now lifeless body that had once been me. Because an angel fallen is an angel with a soul even if it is not known. I stood watching my family as they gathered around my body. Sam and Gabe released my wings as Dean slowly cut the binding strips from the body. Dean cried as he ran a hand over my wings.

I saw him take a feather and clench it in his hand even as he cried for me. I felt Death come to stand behind me. He said “I always did like the Winchesters. Don't worry. You'll see them all again real soon. God has plans for you.”

we stood and watched as Chuck showed up. He claimed my body. We watched as Dean threw a fit at the thought of Chuck taking me from him. Finally he passed out as it all became too much for him. We watched as everybody slowly made their ways home. Once everyone was gone I closed my eyes and let Death take me.

My last thought before I opened my eyes in heaven was 'to the end of our lives we were always going to find each other. If not this lifetime then it would have been the next. I will always love him.'