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Chapter Text

Nico knew it was a bad idea. He knew. But still there was nothing capable of changing his mind. 

Retiring from Formula 1 after winning his first championship shocked the world of motorsport, he knew his statement would be the equivalent of the fall of the Crystal Ball in the middle of Times Square, but without any warning, and without being New Year's Eve yet. But he didn’t care. 

He had lost so much in the last few years. He lost nights of sleep, time, patience, friends, family dinners, vacation, sanity and the love of his life. “Motorsport takes as much as it gives, Nico”. The words spoken by his father when he was nine years-old would never leave Nico’s mind. They were the truest thing Nico had ever heard and he experienced it himself. 

Motorsport takes as much as it gives.

Racing was his life. Racing was everything he knew his whole life. The only thing he thought before sleeping and the first thing he thought after waking up. Until him. Until Lewis Hamilton. 

The thing is, racing came with Lewis and it ended with Lewis. Nico could never not associate one without the other. Racing and Lewis were the same for Nico, both in his mind and in his heart. And both were taken away from him. Actually, one of them slowly left him and he didn’t see it coming until it was already lost. 

It was a losing game. 

Nico likes to think he doesn’t know to which this losing game refers to, but he does. He knows his relationship with racing was something that was in his destiny, he was born for this, it was made to be his life, but he didn’t see Lewis coming. He didn’t prepare himself for Lewis. And he didn’t prepare himself to lose Lewis. 

Motorsport takes as much as it gives. Motorsport gave him Lewis and motorsport took Lewis from him. 

They were good. They were. Nico knows this. They were best friends, teammates, lovers. They were unstoppable together. On tracks they were the only ones. No one else existed when it came to Rosberg and Hamilton. Out of tracks they also were the only ones. Lewis was the only one. The only one he saw, the brightest star in the sky, a sound louder than a car engine. Lewis was the only thing Nico felt. 

Whenever anyone mentioned Lewis’ name he could feel it in his bones, in his organs, deep in his chest and in the back of his mind. Nico thought, for years, Lewis was everything inside him. But how could Lewis be everything inside him? If Lewis was bright and loud, how could he be cold and silent as the feeling Nico felt in the last years while being teammates? 

They fell apart. They were miles away from each other even when they were in the same bed. Nico didn’t want to say this outloud, but he knew it was true. He missed Lewis when he was present and he misses him even more now that he no longer is beside him. 

There is no point in thinking about all of this. 

Nico was back in the paddock for the first time after months, this time as a commentator not as a driver. It felt different, but he thinks he needs some difference in his life now. Or not, since he was still in the F1 world and still was able to enter Mercedes garage, even though he shouldn’t do the last one. Or the first too, he doesn’t know anymore.

The Mercedes crew was running from side to side. The mechanics with tools and car pieces, the engineers concentrated in data and all types of numbers, PR people in their phones and laptops. Nothing changed, it seems. Except it did, and Nico tries to remember himself of this. 

Nico sees Toto on the left side of the garage and comes to approach him, trying not to disturb anyone. Toto is tall and serious as ever, leaning against the wall talking to Bono and two mechanics, nodding to whatever they were saying. Nico waits until they leave, trying to concentrate his attention on the questions he needs to ask the drivers for the interview after the qualifying. 

“Didn’t see you coming.” Toto’s voice takes Nico out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah, didn’t want to disturb your gossip time." Nico joked and Toto laughed giving him a hug. 

“Once a bastard, always a bastard, I see.”

“You know me, Toto, I never go too far.” 

“So, I didn’t know you would be here this weekend." Toto casually said, making a move to Nico to follow him out of the garage. 

“I didn’t know either. It was supposed to be Jenson here, but something came up his family and he couldn’t make it, so Sky gave me a call and here I am.”

“Well, it’s good to see you. We haven’t heard much from you in the last months, even though we live in the same neighborhood. Coffee?"They were in the team facility now and Toto went in the direction of the coffee machine. 

“Yes, please. So, uhm, I haven’t been in Monaco that much this year. When I’m not working with Sky, I’m usually traveling, you know, trying to know the places we’ve been during the races that I didn’t have the time to visit properly and stuff.” 

“This is a good idea. You can give me a few types for future trips once I retire too." Toto said, giving Nico his coffee on a mug. 

“For sure I will, but I’m not sure you will ever retire." Nico said, taking a sip from his coffee, hiding a smile while Toto did the same, also smiling. 

“We never know. Your retirement came out of nowhere, so I think I can come up with the same some day.” 

"Probably, yeah." Nico wasn’t smiling anymore, his mind taking him to a place he couldn’t quite describe. 

Nico fell silent and Toto didn’t say anything more, letting him think about whatever was on his mind. The facility was quiet, about six people were sitting at the tables with their own warm drinks, trying to dissipate the cold weather from outside while still working. The place itself still looked the same and if Nico tried really hard he could see himself sitting alongside Toto, Niki, Bono, James and a Lewis Hamilton that he still knew a few years ago right here in Spa. Nico didn’t let his mind go too far on that memory. 

Nico looked back at Toto with an expression that might have given him away on his thoughts because the Mercedes boss gave him a small, but sympathetic smile. 

“I know the answer to this question and I don’t know why I’m going to ask you this, but have you talked to Lewis?” Toto asked, lowering his voice so only Nico could hear it. 

“No…” Nico looked away, fixing his gaze in the window that showed that it was raining again. “No, I haven’t.” 

“I know you don’t want to talk about this and that probably you don't want to do that with me either, but you know you can talk to me if you want. I’ve been there, I know what happened and I will not take sides on any of you. Just… keep in mind that I’m still as much your friend as I am Lewis’.” 

“I know, Toto, I just…” Nico tried to look Toto in the eyes, but the feelings he saw in them made him look away again. “I just don’t know what to say."

“You maybe are too deep in your own feelings to acknowledge them now, but when you do I will be here if you need." Toto was an emotional guy, Nico remembered, even if his boss persona didn’t show it quite often. 

“I know, thank you, Toto, I will remember this." Nico knows he will remember this.

They talked for a few more minutes until Toto had to come back to the garage and Nico had to take his place in the media pen. He was on his way to join the others commentators and journalists when he saw Lewis running a few meters away from him. A Mercedes jacket over his head to prevent him from getting wet and Angela running by his side with an umbrella and a backpack.  

Nico stopped walking, frozen in place, raindrops falling on his face and wetting his cheeks like they were tears. 

Chapter Text

Nico is on the verge of a panic attack. He can feel the air getting tin around him and even the large space that is the paddock is getting smaller and smaller. He left the spot he was frozen in for two whole minutes after someone, who he couldn’t remember the face, approached asking him if he was okay and needed help. 

Lewis only passed right in front of his eyes for mere seconds and Nico thought he might pass out. He's now hidden in a room that is meant for journalists and commentators, trying to stop his hands from shaking and controlling his breath. Blonde wet hair falling in his eyes and he probably should get some towels to dry himself, but he can’t move. 

The cellphone in his pocket is going crazy with notifications and missed calls from the Sky crew wondering where the hell he is. Nico has interviews to conduct, but his mind is in no capacity to remember a single thing right now. He has no idea how he managed to get into this room or if anyone from the press has seen him, the only thing he’s sure now is that he needs to stop the panic from taking control over him. 

Minutes seems to have passed and Nico is still leaning with his hands on his knees and head between his arms, still trying to catch his breath. There's nothing and everything on his mind, it seems he's running 300 km per hour. His hands are still shaking and he knows he needs to go back to work, but if seeing Lewis from afar made him panic like this, he doesn't want to see what's going to happen if he needs to interview him. 

He needs to calm down, he needs to control himself. But he can't . His mind shooting him with memories of him and Lewis and a million of "what if'' is not helping either. Nico's about to catch his phone and call someone from Sky to say whatever his mouth managed to speak when the door opens and reveals a journalist, smiling shyly to him and excusing herself inside the room. Her presence called Nico out of his mind. 

He slowly started realising his surroundings. It was warm inside the room, there was a brown couch and a table with a lot of chairs, a coffee machine with too many disposable cups on a bin on the floor and there were no windows, only an air conditioner and photos of the F1 champions on the walls. Lewis' smile was bright and cheering, holding the trophy of each year he was champion.  

Nico left the room after catching his phone in his pocket and tried to concentrate on the questions for the interviews. It was still raining, but Nico didn’t mind the cold and found some comfort by directing his attention to something else. 

Later, Lewis got pole and Nico’s glad he just has to interview the drivers who couldn’t go further than Q2. 

-X- 

Weeks have passed since Spa. Nico went on a trip to Germany and got himself busy with interviews and other stuff for his YouTube channel. 

The masterplan was to not leave room to think about Lewis, so Nico planned every step of his days to keep them filled with work, since his personal life wasn’t as busy as he thought it would be once he retired. He sometimes catches himself thinking about comments on the internet where people often question why he retired only to spend most of his time involved with the F1 world and racing. 

Nico didn’t know how to explain to those people that there was something he loved as much as racing, but by trying to keep both, he lost both and now had no reason to keep going with someone that wanted nothing to do with him and a sport that already gave and took everything from him. 

For someone who spent all their life racing with the purpose of reaching the finish line first, the only purpose Nico had now was to lay down in bed at night without carrying the burden of too many unwanted words spoken while keeping the ones that really mattered bottled inside. Still, he had words to say, but no one to hear them. 

Maybe I should get a dog.  

The thought left Nico’s mind as fast as it came after remembering Roscoe and a time where he and Lewis would go on walks in the late afternoons and stay awake to watch the puppy Roscoe once was run and play around their apartment. 

Memories of Lewis felt like fire and every time Nico thought they couldn’t hurt more, they did. Nico was just fine for months. He didn’t think about Lewis or anything Lewis related. There wasn’t anything that reminded him of Lewis and the person he once was around the man who was the love of his life. 

The fuss around his retirement was good to keep him away from social media and the sports world. He spent a lot of time searching for a new place to live and, after finding it, more time looking for furniture, art and paint for the walls of his new apartment. A place free from memories and the life he had with the guy he had known his whole life. The guy who turned into a stranger.

But Nico isn’t naive, he knows he has his part to blame in all the fights on and off track. After a lot of therapy and talking, he came to realize he couldn’t put all the blame on Lewis. Lewis wasn’t the only one at fault for the end of their relationship. The jealousy, the guilt, the insecurity and the lack of communication built walls between them and neither of them had the will to overcome the pride, the impulse to blame the other and admit their responsibilities. 

The truth is that their relationship ended slowly and piece by piece and none of them saw it happening. So Nico had to leave before something worse happened. At least that’s what he keeps telling himself. 

Nico visited his family, went out with friends, traveled alone and came up with the idea for the YouTube channel. He also managed to get more involved with projects to protect the environment and educate himself about the struggles of the world.

Once all the energy around new activities had passed, the only thing left for him was doing it over and over again until it got bored. It was on a night out with Jenson that Nico discovered that joining Sky as a commentator was a possibility. Although Nico wasn’t bored and tired of his daily routine by having his schedule all occupied with different locations, people and activities as he was used to, he didn’t find the idea of having anxiety and panic attacks again that appealing. But it’s a price to pay, he came to the conclusion. 

A voice Nico usually kept clocked in the back of his mind didn’t lie when it said Nico’s lost and after years and a championship he still doesn’t know what he wants. Nico didn’t know what to do. He never had to think about what to do with his life after Formula 1 because it was never supposed to have an after. Now, while everyone seemed to be sure about what to do and was happy with the way their lives had taken them, Nico felt he was left alone to find it by himself with no clue at all on where to even begin. 

He only realized the book he pretended to read was long forgotten on his lap when Jenson’s head fell on his shoulder. They were seated side by side on the plane to Italy, where the next race would be. 

Nico didn’t mind lifting Jenson’s head. Only turned off the light, closed the book and stared at the sky outside. 

-X-

“Are you okay?” Jenson asked Nico with a worried expression on his face. 

“Yes.” Nico answered, taking the fourth sip of the water bottle. “Yes, everything’s fine. I’m fine." 

He wasn’t. 

It’s Thursday in the paddock. Nico was supposed to be there only on Saturday, but he wondered that wasn’t much he had to do in his hotel room with limited space and no people at all. 

Nico arrived early in the paddock and had enough time to talk to Toto and a few others from Mercedes, even managing to have coffee with James before he had to go back and see if everything was alright for Valtteri and the car.

Nico wishes he hadn’t done that though. He wishes he’d stayed at the hotel, or had not come at all for this race weekend. 

Lewis was the last of the drivers to arrive and he had not only Angela and Roscoe by his side, but also another woman who seemed to be having the time of her life. 

Nico stared at them for much longer than he wanted to admit and he wasn’t the only one, since everybody was in awe to see Lewis with someone new and unknown so far. The shocked look on people’s faces delivered to the press their Christmas gifts sooner than planned. Nico, on the contrary to weeks ago, now was very aware of his surroundings, the blue and bright sky would be the perfect scenario for the photos that would fill the internet some minutes later.

The girl tried not to smile too much with her phone in hand, taking pictures of everything around. Lewis had his head up and the sunglasses didn’t reveal anything from his state of spirit. Roscoe followed them happily, unaware of the fuss that was happening. They aren’t holding hands though, Nico noticed, not that could be any indication of anything, and that got confirmed by the cameras following every single step of the group. 

The flashes and screams only stopped when it was clear Lewis and the girl wouldn’t come out from the Mercedes motorhome. Nico felt his body go cold under the Italian Sun. His mouth was suddenly dry and tried his best to leave unnoticed. His head was full in a battle between “who was that girl?” and “why do I care? I’m not involved with him anymore, we’re not even friends. He doesn’t owe me anything” . 

Except he cared and it didn't matter how many times Nico said he was fine when it was clear he wasn’t. Nico tried not to look Jenson in the face for the rest of the day, knowing very well that he would find the confirmation that his actions were loose and his lack of attention was bigger than he imagined. 

“Okay, man, I tried to leave you space today and I know that something’s wrong. I even can bet what made, or who made, you be like this. I know you don’t want to talk about it and I will respect it, but if you keep being like this for the rest of the weekend I won’t be able to leave you suffering in silence.” Jenson said, his voice the lowest possible. 

Nico gave a look around before answering, making sure that wasn’t anybody able to listen to them. 

“You’re right, I don’t want to talk about it. You’re right, I’m like this because of… what happened today, but there’s nothing I can do, okay? He has all the right in the world to move on and it’s a shame I didn't do the same, but that’s on me.” He took a minute to keep his voice from shaking, staring at his shoes with hands on his hips.

“Nico, we can go somewhere else. You don’t have to-”  

“I-I am not okay, I’m not fine, Jen, I haven’t been for years, but it’s way harder now. I have time to look back and understand what happened, what went wrong. I can’t say the words, but I guess you know. God, everybody knows. It wasn’t a secret to anyone about what I felt for him, how much I- how I fell for him and kept falling through the years. It wasn’t supposed to work, we weren’t supposed to work, I accepted that, but… but I just- It just hurts.”

Nico didn’t realise he had a few tears falling down his face. He wasn’t an emotional guy, but everything was just so much to handle these days and he couldn’t keep it inside anymore. He refused the hug Jenson was about to give him and went away, drying the tears and trying to keep others from falling. 

Nico felt embarrassed for crying, mainly in front of his best friend and at a place where no one was allowed to show vulnerability. A place that had cameras everywhere and gossip ran just as fast as the cars.

Jenson called him just once, Nico didn’t turn back. 

The Sunday race was just a result of the great work Mercedes had done during the  weekend. Lewis won the race and Valtteri came just behind in P2, they were shining on the podium, wet with champagne and all smiles. Toto clapped his hands hard, hugging all Mercedes crew. Nico watched them from the commentators room, trying not to show how proud of Mercedes he was. 

Another thing that Nico pretended to not make clear was his eyes searching for the girl that accompanied Lewis everywhere he went. Nico still didn’t know who she was. Probably there were essays all over the internet talking about her, giving to, whoever wanted to read, all the information on her life and the dirty details of her relationship with Lewis. 

Nico wouldn’t know what to say about her, though. He kept himself limited to his Instagram and only posted about the race weekend, not going further as to give his dash the time of his day. His mind was full with work and ideas for YouTube videos, and he would like to keep it that way, maintaining the intrusive thoughts about Lewis away. 

Nico and Jenson were one of the last people to leave the paddock, where the teams already were packing to leave for the next country. When they arrived at the hotel, Nico said good night to Jenson, whose room was on the opposite side of Nico’s, and waited a few minutes for the elevator, playing with his fingers and singing a song he couldn’t remember the name of. 

When the elevator arrived, Nico took his cellphone out of his pocket to search for the lyrics, distracted enough to almost not hear someone in the hall screaming ‘hold it, please’. Nico quickly put his hand between the elevator doors to try and stop it from closing, after that he froze in place when the person appeared in front of him. 

Lewis was as shocked as him. He had a tight grip on his backpack and Roscoe beside him, they stared at each other until the elevator’s doors started to close again, this time being stopped by Roscoe. The dog entered the elevator to sniff Nico’s shoes and was happy to realise it was someone he knew, jumping and making noise. Nico played with Roscoe’s ears while looking at Lewis in anticipation, who was still outside, looking unsure on whether to take the elevator or wait for the next. 

“Going up?” Nico asked. 

“Yeah.” Lewis answered, entering the elevator, murmuring a ‘thank you’. 

Nico was still playing with Roscoe when remembered the name of the song he was singing minutes ago. It was Midnight Blues by Gary Moore. 

Chapter Text

Why is it taking so long? 

Nico was sure only a few minutes had passed since Lewis entered the elevator and the doors closed, but it seemed hours. His floor is the first to be stopped at. Ninth floor, but usually it didn’t take that long to get there. 

Lewis was in front of him, a few meters separating them in the tiny space. Roscoe was between them, his heavy breath being the only sound besides the elevator itself. Nico was bouncing his left leg, as he always does when he’s nervous. There was a time Lewis would take Nico’s hand into his and ask him to hold as tight as he could, but now Nico knows he finds the movement annoying. He made sure to say that during one of the many fights they had. 

Nico wanted to say something. He wanted to ask Lewis who that girl was, ask how he was, congratulate him for the great job he had been doing so far, wish him good luck, or really anything at all. Months ago he would have given anything to not be in the same room as Lewis and would rather eat a bowl of paper than initiate a small talk with him just for formality. 

Now, on the other hand, Nico wanted anything but to be silent. He would take whatever Lewis wanted to throw at him, God he would be happy to hear Lewis screaming at him for being stupid if it would make them talk. But Nico knows he can’t ask for that, not after their last fight. Not after he left without any warning and not a single movement against it from Lewis’ side.

Nico knows Lewis hadn’t forgiven him, and maybe would never be able to. Nico knows Lewis would never do what Nico did. Lewis never backed off a fight. The million fights and discussions they had over the years they’ve known each other might’ve been initiated by Nico, but the last word was always Lewis’. 

Nico couldn’t accept it back then, too competitive to let anyone win over him, too selfish, too proud. And Lewis wasn’t any different. They were the same, had their differences in the kart years, of course, but as they became friends it was clear they had more in common than the love for racing and speed. Nico just didn't know at what moment they had lost all that and let the struggles come first. 

Everybody warned him about being best friends with another driver. His dad always talked about how hard it was to keep a friendship in Formula 1, but Nico never really gave it much thought. He knew it was hard, but he always thought his friendship with Lewis was stronger, that they could overcome anything if they were together. They promised they wouldn’t let anything come between them. 

When Nico told his parents he and Lewis were dating, his mother was so happy that she hugged him for minutes. His dad, on the other hand, only looked at Nico with something that Nico’s mind took as sadness, but he quickly shut the thought down. Keke came to him and hugged him too at the end, and Nico still could hear the words he whispered in his ear. “Don’t hurt each other” . 

But that’s exactly what they did. 

Nico came home one day, after a GP he had won. He traveled to Monaco and was at his parents' doorstep at 2 a.m. The sadness Nico felt about the fight he and Lewis had was stronger than the happiness he felt for the win. His mother held him tight while he trembled and cried silently. Sina looked at her husband horrified about the state their son was in. Keke, again, looked at Nico with sadness, but stayed at his side the whole time with a hand on his shoulder. 

Nico came back to reality when the elevator doors opened to let a couple in. They were young and had happiness written all over their faces. Lewis came a little closer to Nico to give them space. Roscoe smeed happy to see more people. 

The couple was talking between them, giggling and giving heart eyes everytime they looked each other in the face. Nico found an interest spot on the floor to stare at and Lewis did the same at the ceiling. 

A few minutes after, the elevator stopped again to let the couple out. They turned to say goodnight to the driver and the ex-driver before leaving, holding hands and still laughing. Nico thought he would be sick, so he closed his eyes and inclined his head against the cold wall. 

Suddenly the elevator stopped. Nico jumped at that and looked at Lewis, who was looking at the painel of numbers. Roscoe started barking and Lewis held a scream of panic while pressing the button to call for help. 

A racing driver who is afraid of small places, how ironic.

“They’re not gonna come faster just because you’re pressing it multiple times.” Nico got himself saying. 

“Shut up.” Lewis intended to sound harsh, but his voice came a lot weaker than planned. 

A voice then spoke.

“Good night, gentlemen, I’m Mattia, the night manager. We’re aware of what happened and help was already sent to you.Though I’m afraid it will take some time.” The manager’s voice sounded robotic and his words didn’t make any effort to calm Lewis. 

“How long?” Lewis asked. 

“A few minutes. I’m sorry, sir.” All went silent after that. How considerate of you.

“Great. Fuck!” Lewis said. 

Nico knew how much Lewis hated elevators and also knew how much effort he was putting to not have a panic attack right then and there. 

Nico didn’t know what to do. Lewis was now seated on the floor, with his arms resting on his knees, holding his head on his hands. Roscoe was barkeling even louder, looking at Nico, probably trying to ask help for Lewis. Nico wasn’t sure if Lewis would accept his help, but he decided to try anyway. 

Nico kneeled beside Lewis, maintaining a little distance between them to not scare the other more. Roscoe now was trying to put his head between Lewis' arms. 

“Lewis, can I touch you? I’m not gonna hurt you, I just want to take your jacket off.” Nico asked, trying to keep his voice low, steady and soft at the same time. 

The British took a few seconds to respond. He shook his head slightly, which Nico took as a yes. He got a little closer, taking the other’s jacket off. Lewis’ eyes were shut and his breath was heavy and fast. Nico remembered the exercise Lewis’ dad had taught him for moments like this. 

“Hey, everything is gonna be fine. Help will be here soon and they will take us out, okay? Just focus on my breathing and count to five with me.” 

And so they did. Nico counting first, Lewis following him right away. They counted to five on crescent and descrescent order multiple times until Lewis seemed to have calmed down. Nico was seated in front of him, closer, with a hand on his right knee. Roscoe’s head rested on Lewis’ feet. 

Some time passed until Lewis spoke. 

“Thank you, you didn’t have to do this, but thank you.” 

“It was nothing. Are you okay now?” 

“I will live.” Lewis said with a smirk. 

“I hope.” Nico smiled back. 

They fell in silence after that. Nico took his hand off Lewis' knee, but didn’t distance himself. Meanwhile Roscoe fell asleep peacefully. 

Nico was prepared to allow his mind to take him somewhere else when he felt Lewis gaze on him. He lifted his head and met Lewis’ eyes. The urge to say something came back. It had been a long time since they were in a silence that didn’t indicate they weren’t planning a murder or to speak more harsh words. Although Nico had his doubts they would start yelling in a situation like this, he couldn’t be sure, after all they were always unpredictable. Anyway, with that Nico decided to speak, giving preference to the side of his that wanted to hear Lewis’ voice, the one that was not in the media mode.   

“Congratulations on the win today, you did a great job out there.” Nico said, unsure of his words. 

“Thank you, it was fun.” Lewis smiled. 

“I’m sure it was. It was fun to watch and comment, too. The crowd was going insane every time you passed, but don’t tell this to the Tifosi.” Nico said, and Lewis smiled at that. God.

For a moment Nico almost forgot their past and saw the kid Lewis once were reflected in his eyes. Nico felt his heart ache. 

“Comment? You’re a commentator now?” Lewis asked, with a hint of curiosity he tried to mask behind his desiteressed expression.

“Yes, I am working for Sky Sports.” Nico answered with a shrug of shoulders.

“Oh, I didn’t know that.” 

“Yeah, they invited me. It came out of nowhere.” 

“As everything with you always seems to be.” Lewis spoke and, by the shocked look on his face, he didn’t plan to say that. 

Nico opened his mouth to speak, not sure on what to say, but got interrupted by the elevator sound, indicating that it was working again. 

Both of them hurried to stand up, Lewis taking his jacket and backpack. Nico did the same, and came closer to the door after the robotic voice of the elevator announced it was the ninth floor. 

The doors opened and Roscoe barked again. Lewis had his gaze fixed to nowhere in particular, keeping his head up. Nico was out in the blink of an eye, not minding saying goodbye or anything at all.

But, once in the hall, Nico changed his mind. So, by turning around and looking Lewis in the eyes, he said: 

“I hope she makes you happy."

Lewis inclined his head to the side, wearing a confused, and then angry, expression that was the last thing Nico saw before the doors closed again. 

-X-

Nico woke up the other day feeling like shit. His body ached like he had just hit a Formula 1 car against the wall at high speed. 

He had a terrible night of sleep, waking up hour after hour for no reason and falling back asleep a few minutes after. He was up before the alarm rang, but allowed himself to stay in bed, staring at the ceiling, like he had been doing a lot lately. 

Nico was tired, his body felt heavy and his mind seemed to be up in the clouds, floating. He couldn’t exactly feel his moviments, them being too loose and just based on muscular memory. 

He showed up in the hotel lounge after breakfast and met Jenson, who had sent him a message asking where he was. 

“Man, you look like shit.” Was the first thing Jenson said when saw Nico. 

“Thanks, I feel just the same.” Nico said, not retributing Jenson’s laugh. 

Jenson was a talkative person around his friends and Nico was thankful for that. He let Jenson talk the whole time to fulfill the silence that would be if he wasn’t there. Nico didn’t say much though, only confirming or denying with the head, sometimes saying monosyllabic words. 

The German had a massive headache, so he swallowed two painkillers when they were seated at the airport. Nico had his earphones on and tried to keep his eyes wide open, not capable of relaxing around so many unknown people. 

Jenson touched his shoulder to let him know it was time to get in the plane. Nico followed Jenson without saying a word, hating himself for the humor he was particularly in.  

Once in the plane, Nico wappred himself in a blanket, his back to the corridor. His seat was at the window side, which allowed him to stare at the gray sky. Nico closed his eyes, his last thought being Lewis’ and his words before falling asleep.   

Chapter Text

Monaco was shining bright, like always. There were only a few clouds visible in the sky and it was way too hot for Nico, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Nico was looking at the moviment in the streets, staring at nothing in particular, all his energy directed to prevent the memories of the last weeks to come to his mind for the millionth time. 

Nico wasn’t a distracted person, he was always focused on whatever task he had at hand, always knew how to behave, was always quick to react. However, in the last few months, or years, he didn’t know what to do with himself in any matter. 

Nico’s confused trailing of thoughts got interrupted by his phone vibrating on a small table by his side where he stood in the balcony of his apartment. Nico looked at the object like someone who questions its existence, debating on whether to answer the person who had the brilliant idea of sending him messages on that exact day. Nico decided to answer in the end, his professional and well behaved side speaking louder. 

It was three messages from Toto asking if he wanted to grab drinks later that day in a new pub near the casino. Nico debated again on whether he should go, be among people, get some drinks and talk to one of his closest friends, or stay at home trying to work and, after failing miserably at it, deciding to watch one movie of the long list Jenson had given him. 

Nico decided that he could sleep better being drunk than being thoughtful about whatever narrative the movie told, so he just texted Toto back telling him he would be there on time. 

The night came warm and energetic. There was laughter and lights everywhere, typical of Monaco. Walking down the street, the sound of the cars engines reminded Nico of races in street circuits and he hadn't enough time to stop his mind from taking him to a time he wasn’t sure if it had really happened or was just another trick.

Nico’s mind was a mess on that particular day. He couldn’t concentrate on a single thought and trace a line from there. He felt like thinking about everything all at once but without going further, with no results or reality behind it. 

Nico’s heart was racing and he could feel anxienty’s subjective hands threatening to wrap around his heart and squeeze it. Nico felt like floating again, his body heaviness and the gravitation preventing it from happening. Nico was aware about the world surrounding him, but it was too distant from him, too impersonal, objects and people’s forms too easy to undo if he touched it, just like sand. He felt like he or everything around could disappear at any moment, he just wasn’t sure which one would go first. It’s been awhile since the last time he was unable to properly connect both his mind and body to the material and real world, and deep inside it scared him. 

When Nico arrived at the pub Toto had given him the address he saw a glassy facade with blue and silver decoration, lights being the brightest Nico had ever seen. The inside walls and even the tables and the floor also made of glass. Nico laughed quietly after understanding why the place’s name was Verre. 

Nico ordered a mojito and sat in the back of the place where he could have a clear view of the entrance. A few minutes waiting for Toto to arrive Nico felt uneasy and slightly annoyed, his mind louder than the place’s music, not even the drink between his fingers being capable of bringing him back to reality. He fought a hard battle inside to try and keep his mind from bring him back to whatever scenario it thought Nico deserved to be tortured in, running in circles and nothing to really rely on as a possibility of become true.   

The German felt tired. Immensely tired and alone. A sensation of discomfort and a wish to scream to shut the voices rising in his throat. Nico couldn’t focus, his clothes too tight, his hands shaking, sweat forming on his forehead. The pub was too loud and hot, people’s faces distorted and undistinguished. He couldn’t have a panic attack, not again, so he closed his eyes and tried to count his breathing just like he did with Lewis in the elevator.  

God, Lewis- 

“Hey, I hope I’m not too late.” Toto’s voice felt like cold water to Nico, he thought he could kiss him right now. 

“No, no, you’re right on time. I arrived early.” Nico said, praying that his voice came as normal and controlled as possible. 

“Good.” Toto said, a glass of whiskey on his hand that Nico didn't know where it came from or if he was already holding it before. 

“So,” Nico started in an attempt to leave the almost panic attack behind and prevent the possibility of another one to happen. “Why did you invite me here? This is not really your kind of place.” 

“Bono was talking about it the other day. It opened a few days ago but today is the official opening, thought I could give it a look and have a friend with me.” Toto answered, his eyes shining. Nico doesn’t know if that was because of the pub lights or something else.

“I see. How’s Susie and little Jack?” 

“Oh she’s great, sent you a hug and remembered me to invite you for dinner or something, and Jack is growing up so fast, he spoke his first word two months ago. Here let me show you some photos.” Toto grabbed his phone in his pant’s pocket. “This is him with Susie’s mother dog. Here it’s him with all the stuffed animals he got before and after he was born.” 

Toto had a bright and big smile on his face. Nico couldn’t help but smile alongside him, looking at the photos of a cute and happy baby. 

“Is he walking already?” 

“Yes, he is. Let me show you a video.” Toto searched for it on his phone while Nico took a sip of his drink, the alcohol burning his throat. “Here.” 

The video showed Toto holding Jack’s hands while his son was walking in front of him, seeming unseay with his steps but still determined to try his best. Susie’s voice came from the back of the video, only her hand appearing holding a little stuffed bulldog. There was cheering in the room of the people who were supporting Jack to keep going. Jack was excited walking in the direction of the couch and Toto let go of his hands while Susie repeated “go on Jack, you’re almost there”. The video was almost over when it showed Jack being held in the arms of a happy Lewis, smiling at the kid who smiled back at him, and it ended on Lewis now smiling at the camera, pointing with his index finger to call Jack’s attention to where Susie was filming.  

Nico had a ghost of a smile on his face and Toto seemed to have noticed the slight change in his mood. 

“Sorry, I didn’t remember he was in this video.”

“That’s alright, Toto, it’s not like I haven’t seen him since 2016. I mean, I work in the same place he does, so…” Nico didn’t complete his sentence, drinking the rest of the glass content. 

Toto sighed before speaking again, his drink long forgotten. 

“How are you, Nico?”

Nico considered the option of dismissing Toto’s question, answering like he would answer if one of his neighbors asked him if their grass was green enough. He changed his mind after seeing Toto looking at him like Nico had just hit his car. 

Nico looked away, staring at the crowd of people dancing. 

“I don’t know. I… I’m just lost” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“I don’t know,” Nico said, laughing dryly “I just… I made the decision to come back to the Formula 1 world because I love racing and thought I could find myself by doing this, but now I’m just more confused and lost than I was before.”

“I thought you retired to do exactly that.” 

“Yeah, kinda of. It was and it still is over for me, but I can’t go too far away from this, I think.” Nico said, playing with the empty glass in his hand. 

“I understand,” Toto said, drinking his whisky. “Susie says the same thing sometimes. “Once in motorsport, always in motorsport”, she says.”

“Well, she’s right. We can never back off from this life. It’s too addictive."

“Let me order another one of this for you, you look like you need it.” Toto said, taking his glass with him and going to the bar. 

Nico lost himself in thoughts and only realized Toto was back when he put another glass of mojito in front of him. They drank in silence for a while. It was something Toto does, Nico remembered, giving people time to think after going into a sensitive subject and before continuing to talk about it. 

“So, I saw you in the paddock that night during the Italian GP weekend.” Toto commented. Nico stared at him confused. “You were talking to Jenson. I thought I saw you, uh, crying.”

Nico’s face was expressionless. 

“So?” 

“I was worried about you. When I said I’m still your friend I was being serious, Nico. I saw you when Lewis arrived that morning and I saw you at night too. I just want to know how you’re really feeling.”

Nico held a scream, he was frustrated and angry, not at Toto but somehow at himself and the position he was in. 

“I felt terrible, if that’s what you want to know. I don’t know why you and Jenson want so badly to know how I’m feeling, but I understand that that’s because you’re both my friends. And of course I don’t want to talk about it, but I also don’t want to lie to you.” Nico said, drank half of his drink and continued to talk, Toto’s full attention on him. 

“I’m not fine, that’s what I told Jenson that night. I don’t know what to do and I’m very lost pretty much all the time. The only thing I know is that I love my job and I don’t regret coming back to F1 even if as a commentator. I don’t regret what I did in the 2016 season either, if you’re wondering, but I do regret how I handled things. I lost myself that year, and worse than that, I lost the love of my life. Fuck.” 

Nico looked at the ceiling, trying to control his breathing and the trembles in his body. 

“Fuck. I was never an emotional guy, you know that, but now it seems the only thing I can think and talk about is this damn subject over and over again. It seems I’m going in circles and I’m not even racing any more.” 

“Nico,” Toto called his name, Nico looked at him and felt his heart sank with the look of understanding and affection Toto gave him “You kept it all in your chest for a long time, it’s completely normal that now you’re confused about things you’re not sure about because you never had the time to think about them before.”

“I’m just so fucking tired. There are so many things missing in my life and I feel like I’m lost in an unknown camp, blindfolded trying to find them.” 

“I know you carry a lot of weight on your shoulders, Nico, and I know you hide things that you can’t tell most people even if you want to. But I think there is something you could do to relieve some of this weight.” Toto said, his eyes were shining again. There it is. 

“Like what?” 

“You know what.”

Nico gave him an ironic laugh in return. 

“You know he has moved on. And he wouldn’t want to talk to me. You know how everything ended.” 

“What do you mean by “he has moved on”?” Toto looked confused. 

“You know he has, it was impossible not to see the girl with him at the paddock in Italy.” 

“Nico,” Toto said his name again, really serious for the first in the night, but still with a hint of affection on his voice. “Talk to him.” 

“He won’t-” 

“Talk to him. Try at least. You need to sort things out.” 

Nico didn’t say anything, only kept drinking his drink, the alcohol sensation taking control of him. 

The rest of the night went on blurry. Nico’s not really sure how he had gotten home because Toto was as drunk as he was. Probably Susie gave him a ride or something, he didn’t care too much. 

Shooting his shoes somewhere in the living room, Nico went to his room and fell in bed, face down and still in his clothes. He had a clean night of sleep for the first time in four days. 

Chapter Text

"Nico, babe, come back to me." 

Nico felt under water. There was sound, but he couldn't hear it properly. His heart was beating so fast it could get mistaken by drums. His hands were shaking and sweaty, and his legs felt like being covered with ants. 

"Nico," Lewis called, again. "Come back, babe."

Nico searched for Lewis' face, unable to focus and stop the stuffy sensation rigging on his ears.

"What?" Nico asked, confused. 

"You drifted out" Lewis explained, Nico was being pulled back to his mind again. "Nico, get out of your mind. It's not real, come back to the present. You're here, with me. Pay attention to my voice." 

Lewis held Nico's hands and looked at him straight in the eyes. 

"Pay attention to me, babe." Lewis said, then put his forehead and Nico's together. 

Several minutes passed until Nico was able to calm his heart rate. His hands were still being held by Lewis, who was looking at him with a mix of adoration, love and worry in his face. Nico was certain he had never seen someone that beautiful in his life. 

"You feeling better?" 

"Yeah, thanks." 

"Anytime. You want to lie down for a little bit? I think we got time till FP3" Lewis asked, already going in the direction of the tiny sofa and making a move for Nico to follow him. "Come here, Nico."

And so Nico did, laying down on top of Lewis, his face between Lewis' neck and shoulder. 

-X- 

Nico woke up by his alarm playing whatever ringtone that was. The German was about to turn it off and go back to sleep when he remembered today was qualy day and he had to be in the paddock. 

It was the United States Grand Prix and Nico was scaleted not only to interview the drivers after qualy but also interview the three winners after Sunday's race. He was excited, of course, it is always a pleasure to do his job and get to talk to the drivers and ask them what the people in the crowd and at home wanted to know, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous with the possibility of having to interview Lewis, mainly after a race. In front of everyone and broadcast world wide. 

The possibility of interviewing Lewis brought back the conversation he had with Toto in the pub in Monaco. Toto didn’t know about the elevator event and Nico wanted to keep it that way, otherwise he knew he wouldn’t have a single minute of peace. Nico knew Toto would hunt him like an eagle with its prey around the paddock and there was no way in hell he could hide from him. 

Nico took a deep breath and started to get ready for the day ahead, trying to not think about the dream that was in fact a memory of a time he and Lewis shared the Mercedes’ drivers line up peacefully. But Nico’s mind never really played along with him, giving the intention that it was more against Nico than in the same side he was, and that made Nico fight a hard battle to keep the memory playing like a 1920’s movie in black and white and with no sound as his background for the rest of the morning. 

Nico’s schedule was so busy he was almost certain he wouldn’t have time to breath until going back to the hotel at the end of the afternoon, which was a good thing. He commented during FP3 and interviewed some of the team principals, Toto, Christian Horner and Mattia Binotto being the only ones he remembered by name. 

During lunch time, Nico was seated with the always talkative Jenson and other integrants of Sky Sports F1. Nico was feeling quite relaxed and considered a victory the fact that he was able to hold a conversation for more than thirty minutes without getting bored or drifting out and going into some imaginary scenario he had in his head. 

“So Nico, are you excited to interview the top 3 winners tomorrow?” One of the Sky crew whose name was something with J, probably Jake or Jonathan, Nico wasn’t sure right now, asked. 

“Yes, I am. It’s a good opportunity to give people another perspective of the race.” Nico answered. 

“Do you know what you’re going to ask them?” Mira, the producer, asked. 

“Not yet. I’m waiting to see what happens in qualy and in the race to be sure about it.” 

“I’m sure you know what exactly asks Hamilton and create another perspective from it.” another guy that Nico also didn’t remember the name commented, drinking his water and making the people around the table laugh. Jenson looked at Nico waiting for his reaction.

“What do you mean?” Nico asked, knowing exactly what he meant, but not falling for it.

“You know, man, all your rivalry with Hamilton. Your history together, the fights on and off track. You know the guy well, you know how to get under his skin, you can build a good narrative from anything he says if you want.” 

“Yeah, well I don’t want to build anything. My only job here is to translate his actions on track, just this.” Nico responded with a shrug of shoulders. 

“Come on, man. Everyone knows what happened between the both of you. You can have revenge or whatever now, he can’t do anything about it.” 

The table went silent, looking from the guy to Nico like a tennis play. Jenson tensed beside Nico.

“I don’t know what you or anyone thinks that happened between us, but that’s in the past. I had my revenge on the track and that’s it. It’s over.”

“Wow, come down, man. It’s cool. We get what you mean.” The guy winked at Nico and laughed, no one at the table said or did anything else. 

“Okay, everyone, it’s time to go back to work.” Mira said, ending the conversation. 

Nico's relaxed mood was gone. The German wished those words wouldn’t have gotten to him, but they did, and now he was pissed at both the guy and at himself. 

Nico was walking around the paddock lost in thoughts, trying to calm his nerves so he could be prepared for the interviews he had to do in some minutes. Nico only realized he was at a place behind the driver’s motorhome when he saw Lewis and Angela training, with Roscoe by their side playing with the rope Lewis was trying to use to exercise. 

Angela was the first to see him, the change in her object of attention made Lewis follow her look. 

“Uhm... sorry, I’m already leaving.” Nico said. He was about to leave when Roscoe ran to him just like he did in the elevator, sniffing Nico’s shoes and barking at him in excitement. “Oh, hey, buddy, how are you doing? You’ve grown up since the last time I saw you.” 

“You saw him five weeks ago, man.” Lewis said, from where he stood. Angela was collecting their stuff and preparing to leave. 

“Yeah, but he seems bigger,” Nico said, still playing with Roscoe, only lifting his gaze when he heard Angela talking to the Mercedes driver. Nico looked at her and gave her a nod after she smiled briefly at him before leaving. “I didn’t want to interrupt you.” 

“That’s cool. We were almost done anyway.” Lewis dismissed Nico’s apology and crossed his arms in front of his chest. 

“You know, uhm, you did good in today’s practice. There are a lot of people betting on you to get the pole.” Nico said, not trusting them enough to be in silence, but not really confident about talking either. 

“Yeah? What about you?” Lewis asked, a look of curiosity and challenge floating in his eyes. 

“I bet on you.” Nico answered, simply. 

“I’m sure you did.” Lewis laughed, looking at the wall beside him. 

“I did.” Nico said, his words more firm. Lewis looked back at him, expressionless. 

“Good, ‘cause you’re going to win the bet.” 

“I know.” 

They fell silent, holding each other’s gaze like in a game of chess, one trying to predict the other’s next move. Nico was always good at reading Lewis like an open book, but now it was way hard to do so. Lewis, to him, was like a cloud, seemed close but in fact was as distant and unreachable as one. 

Their invisible game was stopped by Angela. 

“Sorry, but Lewis we have to go.” 

“Yes, of course. I’m coming.” 

“Okay. It was good to see you, Nico.” Angela said, before leaving again. 

“You too, Angela.” Nico said, in return. 

“So, I have to go.” Lewis announced, calling Roscoe with a whistle. 

“Of course, sure. Good luck.” 

Lewis was almost at the door when Toto’s voice came into Nico’s mind, his ex-boss telling him to talk to Lewis. Or at least try. 

“Lewis,” Nico called, with more anxiousness in his voice than he wanted the other to hear. Lewis looked at him in something like surprise. “Can we talk? I mean, later. If you want or, uhm, if you don’t have any plans.” 

Nico knows he sounds worse in reality than his mind planned, but he couldn’t waste the opportunity. 

“Talk about what?” Lewis asked. 

Oh. 

“Uhm, just talk, I guess. Just- I don’t- Fuck. You know what, nevermind. Forget I said that.” 

“For God’s sake, Nico, it’s just a question. Talk about what?” Lewis asked again, sounding exasperated. Nico’s train of thought stopped completely after hearing Lewis saying his name. 

“Just talk.” Nico managed to answer. 

“I don’t think there’s anything left to say between us, Nico.”

“Just… I need to talk to you, Lewis. Please.”

Lewis stared at him for six seconds, Nico knew he was debating whether he should accept it or not. Lewis seemed to want to say something more, but he didn’t have time, Angela called him again from inside. 

“Alright, I guess. I will go to your hotel room later. What’s the number?” 

Nico told Lewis all the information he needed to know and both of them left, going to opposite sides. 

Qualifying was going well so far. Lewis was swinging between P1 and P2, sometimes going to P3 because of Red Bull or McLaren, just to take the position back again. 

Nico was interviewing one driver from Williams after the end of Q2. The Q3 had already started and the narrator's voice was background noise to Nico while he tried to concentrate on his questions, the driver’s answers and giving one or another glance to the big screen in the middle of the media pen. 

And then suddenly, Nico’s world stopped. In a minute Lewis’s car was almost setting the track on fire and in the next he had hit the barriers, occasioning a red flag. Lewis was supposed to get pole, but not anymore. Nico stared in shock, everyone around went silent, the only sound besides the cars that were still on track was Bono’s voice on the radio trying to talk to Lewis. 

Nico felt his body freeze. Come on, damnit, say something.

Silence. 

“Lewis, respond, are you okay?”

Silence.

“Are you okay, Lewis?” Bono asked for the third time. 

Silence.

Silence.

“Yeah.” Lewis’ voice was low. “But I’m stuck here, man. Can’t get out.” 

A shiver of worry passed through Nico’s spine. 

“Copy. Medical car is on the way.” 

It took less than a minute and a half for the medical car to get to where Lewis’ car was. It took five seconds for Lewis to get out of the car, the medical team helping him and seating him in one of the tyres to talk to him. The crowd in the back was clapping and singing Lewis’ name. A few seconds later, Lewis stood up and started walking, being assisted by one of the medical team doctors. He weaved at the crowd, that made even more noise, before leaving the track. 

Tthe camera cut to the Mercedes box where it showed a worried Angela rubbing her hands and a tense Toto with eyes focused on the computer. The commentators were talking about something that Nico didn’t understand, his eyes searching for any glance of Lewis. 

“That was quite scary. I’m glad he’s okay.” The driver Nico was interviewing said. 

“Yeah, I’m glad too.” 

Nico finished his interview and looked at his watch. He had a few minutes until the interviews with the Q3 drivers, so he opened the conversation with Toto and sent him a message.

Hey, Toto, how's everything?

Knowing it would take some time for Toto to answer, Nico returned his phone into his pants pocket and went back to what he was doing. Once all the interviews were over, Nico was with his phone back in his hands, lying to himself when he said he wasn’t that anxious to read any of Toto’s messages. 

He's alright. Just a bruised neck and shoulder

Nico breathed heavily, feeling his shoulders relax, then texted back:

I wasn't going to ask about him

Nico smirked to himself after reading Toto's reply.

Sure

Chapter Text

Thinking now, Nico didn't know why Lewis accepted his invitation to talk. He knows that Lewis liked to leave everything just as clear as water, but considering how they handled things between them in the last few years, Nico couldn’t help but wonder what was going through Lewis' mind or what motivated him to do it. Things got even more curious when Nico thought about Lewis asking to meet him in his hotel room and not somewhere else, but that Nico maybe could understand. It would be a living nightmare to go out together and risk being followed by cameras or viewed by someone. 

Nico was in his room, putting everything in place for the fourth time because he couldn't stay still for more than three minutes. He was listening to a playlist full of classical music, and he only realized Rivers Flows in You was playing when it triggered a moment six years ago into his mind. 

Lewis had taken him on a vacation trip to somewhere in the French Alps. They still were trying to find out how they worked together as a couple and Lewis suggested a time away from everything and everyone so they could get to know a side of each other they didn't know yet. One night, they went out for dinner at a little restaurant in the mountains. It was freezing and Nico's hand never left Lewis', both because of the cold and also because Nico was afraid that if he let go, Lewis would just disappear and the moment would vanish. 

There was a pianist playing the whole night and she played the exact same song Nico was hearing in his iPod now when Lewis said that what they had wasn't a joke, a form to pass time or relieve the tension of Formula 1, that he was serious about that and would be willing to give it a try if Nico said yes. And that's what delighted Nico the most. 

Lewis was always brave. He was always ahead of his fears, sometimes walking side by side with them to get to know how to handle whatever problem was happening and prevent himself from giving up. The Brit enchanted Nico with his energy and free will, always disposed to try new things and go into new adventures. Lewis was many times a joker, liked to fool around, but he was never like this about two specific things: work and feelings. 

Lewis was easy to read, he had his opinions and feelings close to his heart. He never wanted to hurt people or let them down. He had a sense of responsibility and commitment Nico thought was beautiful and that's what made anyone who had the chance to know Lewis fall in love with him. 

Nico wasn't any different. Falling in love with Lewis, loving him, was like driving a car, just needed a deep breath and the rest was mostly based on instinct. 

Nico remembered perfectly the feeling that took control of his body when they first kissed. His heart hasn't never been warmer and his eyes matched Lewis', who had the same lovebird expression all over his face, and Nico was sure by now he was beyond salvation. There was nothing in the world capable of pulling Nico back from the point he had reached. And he didn't want to go back. 

Lewis was light and Nico never wanted to go back to the dark again. He knew that kind of behavior wasn't completely healthy, but he loved to be reassured by Lewis, and being in his arms gave Nico the feeling of safety he craved so much for. And yet you destroyed that, the voice inside Nico’s mind murmured. 

The song came to the end and Nico realized he wasn't in that moment anymore. His earphones went on a deep silence and, in an ironic but also poetic way, Nico thought that was a good analogy to compare to his and Lewis' relationship. It also went silent and he also only noticed it had ended when nothing else came after. 

After connecting the earphones to a charger, Nico was prepared to head to the bathroom and rearrange the towels and hygiene utensils again when he heard a soft knock on the room’s door. Giving a look around and checking if everything was in its exact place and order, Nico opened the door and saw Lewis standing in the hallway, his shoulders and neck covered with kinesio tape, tense and trying to move his torso as little as possible. 

“Hey.” Nico said.

“Hey.” Lewis returned.

“Come in,” Nico invited, making room enough so he couldn’t risk touching Lewis and putting him in more pain. “I thought you wouldn't come.”

“You asked me to come, didn’t you?” Lewis asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yes, I did, but I thought you would be in too much pain and preferred to relax or something.” 

“Yeah, I tried, but couldn’t do it,” Lewis explained while walking around the room and stopping in front of the window. “So, what did you call me here for?”

Nico sighed.

“Do you want something to drink before? Maybe water?” 

“I just want to know why I’m here, Nico.” Lewis said, his voice revealing how tired he was. 

Nico sighed again, searching for enough courage to look Lewis in the eyes, but deciding to stare at Lewis’ shoes. 

“I want to apologize, that’s why I called you here. I want to say sorry to you for all the things that I did and happened between us.” 

“What?” Lewis asked right away, not even a hint of emotion in his voice, which made Nico look in his eyes and see that they betrayed his voice and the stoic facade. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot these last few months, Lewis, and talking to people. Therapists, friends. I realized I have a lot of things to apologize for, so many things that I can’t even count in my hands, and you deserve most of them.”

“Why now?” Lewis’ controlled face started to crumble and Nico knew something was about to come next. “Why are you only telling me this now, Nico?”

“Lewis, I-” 

“No, stop, you don’t get to just do this, call me here and apologize to me. Not after everything that happened, not after you left me. ” Lewis’ voice now was free from any form of self-control he was trying to maintain, his eyes showing how unbelievable he thought all that was. 

“What do you want me to do, Lewis? I’m trying here, I don’t know what else to do. I know, I know, that I hurt you, but, please, you need to understand that I was hurt too. It’s no excuse, but I didn’t know what I was doing, what we were doing back there to one another, to the team, to everyone around us. I was lost, I was broken inside, I did horrible things, because I was blind by everything else, so I…” Nico didn’t finish the sentence, knowing that Lewis would get what he meant, but couldn’t say the words out loud. 

“So you didn’t see me,” Lewis said with a dry laugh, one hand rubbing his face. "You left. I came home and there was nothing. You took your clothes and the rest of your stuff without even leaving a note. How do you think I felt about my boyfriend leaving and not even mind telling me? Like 'hey, I'm fucking leaving you now'."

Nico’s head was empty. He didn’t know what to say, his heart going crazy with erratic beats, his hands sweating. He knew he had to say something or otherwise he would never have this opportunity again, he would never get to Lewis and try to explain what happened. So Nico decided to speak about everything he felt.

"After that last fight, before the Abu Dhabi GP, I asked you if you still loved me and when you didn't answer I just assumed that you didn't anymore. You congratulated me, yes, after I won the championship, but you did that to all your rivals, and I thought I was just another one of them after all. When I came home, I was alone. Not even Roscoe was there. So I made the decision to leave. I thought the days you were in London was a time you were giving me to get out of your life, so I did."

“What?” Lewis asked with a shocked expression. “You really think I would just let you go like that?”

Nico wanted to scream after that, but his voice wasn’t strong enough for that, and also they wouldn’t get anywhere if they started a yelling competition. 

“How could I know, Lewis? You didn't talk to me for four weeks. You were all hands and drunk with other people in clubs and you weren't home for two weekends. How could I know we were still dating when you didn't talk to me? Do all couples pretend the other doesn't exist? They don't talk? I asked you if you still loved me and you didn’t say anything. What did you want me to think?” 

Lewis didn’t say anything, his chest moving up and down fast with his heavy breathing, his hands holding tight on his hips trying to stop them from shaking. 

“You think I was cheating on you?” Lewis asked, not minding on hiding the fear in his voice. Nico didn’t answer. “Nico, do you think I was cheating on you?” 

Lewis came closer to where Nico was standing with the arms crossed in front of his chest, staring at a hole on the wall, trying to concentrate enough to prevent the tears from falling. God, why am I so weak?

“Does it matter now?” Nico asked, his nails leaving little scratches on his arms with how tight he was holding them. 

“Of course it does,” Lewis answered, his voice steady and severe. “I never cheated on you, Nico. All the times I was at clubs, like you said, it was just that. I was just drinking and trying to forget about everything that was going wrong with us and with the championship. I would never, ever, cheat on you. I always wanted to come home, to be with you, but I feared you wouldn't even look at me and if you did, it would be cold and emotionless. I know I hurt you, but I was hurt too. I thought you hated me and I didn’t want to see that written all over your face.” 

Nico looked at Lewis with big eyes, his face pale, bottom lip trembling. 

“You thought I hated you?” 

Lewis took a second to answer. 

“What do you think?”

“What the fuck?” Nico’s voice was low, weak. “I-I never hated you. I was angry most times, yes, but I never hated you. I could never hate you. I know I didn't make that clear during all the fights we had, but-but you have to know that not even for a second I hated you.” 

“How could I know? We were fighting all the time. Our alone times were unbearable after Spain. We lived in the same apartment and slept on the same bed, but we couldn’t even say good morning to each other. God. ” 

Lewis distanced himself and took a seat on the chair near the window, head on his hands. 

"I was thinking about asking you to marry me, you know?" Lewis said with a laugh. Nico's face went paler, if that was even possible. "I know we didn't communicate. We fought a lot. I didn't talk to you and you didn't look me in the face for months. I thought you hated me, but after you won the championship I thought that maybe that had ended too. I knew we were losing ourselves, but I made myself a promise to not let you leave without a fight. When I came back from London, I was sure I wanted to try again, if you wanted as well, of course. I came to the conclusion that if everything solved out just fine someday I would propose to you. But I came to an empty apartment. I thought you hated me and that was the confirmation.” 

Lewis was crying now, staring at the city lights outside, and Nico wasn’t any different. His body was cold and he felt like he couldn’t move. They both were silent, feeling the weight of the words pairing in the air. 

“Lewis,” Nico called him, his voice still too low. He tried again. “Lewis, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. God, what did I do?” 

Nico was panicking, the trembles taking control of his body, his eyes full of tears. His hands holding tight on his hair, a desperate and hopeless feeling smashing his heart.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” Nico kept repeating. 

Lewis looked away from the window, noticing the chaos Nico was going through just behind him. Lewis stood up and ran to Nico, holding his wrists preventing Nico from scratching his face with his nails. He was calling the German’s name in an attempt to take him out of his mind, from stopping him from listening to the voices in his head, but Nico was too far away. 

“What did I do? What did I do?” Nico repeated while Lewis kept calling his name over and over again. 

The voices inside Nico’s head were messy. They were screaming how horrible, weak and egocentric he was. That Nico lost the only person that has ever loved him and was able to put up with the burden he was because of a trophy, jealousy and a deep rivalry he only acknowledged years after and how all that was his fault. He was alone now and would be for the rest of his life and that was his fault and his fault only.  

“Nico,” Lewis tried again. “listen to my voice. Pay attention to me. It’s not real, what they’re saying is not real. Come back.” 

Lewis put their foreheads together, still holding Nico’s wrists and repeating “come back” like a prayer. He didn’t know how many minutes they went through that, but after some time Nico relaxed on his hands and was crying even harder. Lewis’ heart broke at the sight of the battle Nico was having inside his head, desperate to help, but unable to do something more. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” Nico said, again, his voice hoarse and tired, but still desperate and sad. 

“I know.” Lewis said, passing his arms around Nico and resting his cheek on the other’s head. “I know.”

Nico couldn’t remember a thing that happened after. 

-X- 

Nico woke up the next day with a massive migraine. His head was pounding, shoulders and neck tense and aching. The curtains were closed and the only sound in the room was his alarm. It was race day. 

Nico squeezed his eyes in an attempt to protect them from the cellphone light. He had two missed calls and a lot of messages from Jenson all from about forty minutes ago. 

Wtf happened? 

Lewis Hamilton just called me ??? 

Nico had to read it another two times. 

He told me to not let you come to work today cause you're sick ??? 

Then he told me you weren’t feeling ok yesterday (why didn’t you call me? and how tf does he know that?) 

Anyway. I already warned everyone that you’re not feeling well. Mira told me to do the post-race interviews. Let me know if you need anything 

Nico didn’t know what to think. Lewis had called Jenson to let him know Nico wouldn’t be feeling good. Yeah, Jenson, Nico thought, what the fuck?

Nico got up from the bed and headed to the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror and was certain he wouldn’t be leaving the hotel room until the time of the flight. His face was pale and he had dark circles under his eyes, which were still a little bit red from all the crying from last night. 

Last night.

Nico didn’t remember anything after Lewis tried to calm him and pulled him out of his head. Nico was about to go crazy when he saw a pink post-it glued to the bathroom mirror with a quick calligraphy written on it. A teenager Lewis’ voice came into his head “I always leave you a note in the bathroom because it’s the only place you will see them.”

You passed out. Don’t go crazy. Take the painkillers. 

Nico was starting to wonder what painkillers when he looked down on the counter and saw the two white pills. 

Chapter Text

Thinking about his life always felt like running in circles. Someone once said nothing gets done inside the dreams, but nobody teaches you how to leave the world you’ve created. No one teaches how to leave the comfort of a world you know inside out and control it entirely. A world where you can be anyone, have what you crave the most and live your deepest desires. After all, it’s not easy to leave behind a world in which you’re just you. 

But again, nothing gets done inside the dreams, therefore everything you almost feel happening is a complete illusion once you get back to the real world, and it feels like a freefall. 

Nico thinks a lot, his mind is always working nonstop. It’s always filled with ideas of what he should do next, regrets about what he should’ve done or said, anxious voices telling him at what point in life he needs to be so he won’t be seen as a failure, as someone who had so much potential, but ended up as just another one. The fact is, Nico was terrified of normality and he grew up with other’s expectations being the heaviest weight he had to carry on his shoulders, alone.

Being a driver was something different and being a Formula 1 driver was even better, but after his retirement, even though he had all those projects and a busy schedule, it was still not full . There is always something missing. Always something that could be better, that he could’ve done more, and as a consequence for that, sometimes he just thinks about the questions he knows he won’t ever get answers for.

How does someone live with those thoughts when they are at their limit? How can someone do better when they feel like they’ve given everything they had, and sometimes even more? How does someone go on, keep moving on, facing their journey, when they look back and everything they’ve done seems worthless? 

Nico’s deepest dream was to be someone important, someone nice and easy, and even though now he realizes he wanted to be that someone for himself because the others would perceive him in whatever way they wanted, when you just grow up with this idea of being accepted by everyone else before yourself deeply injected into your veins, it’s hard to change. 

Nico would in no way admit that he dreamt about a life in which he would be proud of himself, comfortable in his own skin and free to do what he wanted to do. And that’s because those dreams always came to an end at the early morning lights and that was the most difficult thing Nico had to face in his life. The hopeless feeling that kept repeating itself and the cynic lies he told himself about the things that mattered the most to him, but he said otherwise because he was too afraid of never achieving them. 

Nico had achieved a lot of things in his life, he knows that, but if before he found poetic the concept that winning also means losing, now he only feels angst with the idea. 

Winning the championship meant achieving his childhood dream and keeping the Rosberg name alive in Formula 1’s hall of fame, but the road he had to drive in for it to happen also meant he lost a part of himself he’s not sure if he will ever get back. 

Nico was in a strange state of mind in which he was so deep into his thoughts he found it hard to connect with the physical world. His moves were robotic and purely based on muscular memory in such a strong way he didn’t notice he had showered until he looked himself in the mirror and saw the water dripping from his wet hair. 

He had been like this for some days now, though he couldn’t tell the exact number since he wasn’t sure if today was Wednesday or, maybe, Thursday. In fact it could even be… Friday. 

Nico was in his bed staring at the ceiling, again like he has been doing a lot lately. He wasn’t aware of the time the clock was marking or if he had had dinner. His mouth was dry and his body seemed to be becoming part of the mattress. Nico doesn't know how many messages he had in his phone or whether it was charged or not.

Nico looked at the window in his bedroom and saw the bright night sky and somehow managed to collect enough energy to think it would be great to go out for a walk and see it for himself. The German considered the thought for a few seconds, thinking if it would be a good idea to go out or stay at home and wait to fall asleep. He decided that he could give it a try and at least walk till the other side of the street. So Nico got up, took his jacket and shoes and left the apartment. 

The cold wind was the first thing Nico felt once outside, his eyes searching around for nothing in particular. Nico started walking slowly down the street, not confident enough on his legs to go faster. Both his hands in his jacket’s pockets and his nose were freezing, but he considered the sensation good and tried to concentrate on the sound of the wind in his ears. 

Nico was trying his best to bring himself to the real world by describing cars and buildings, putting his attention on guessing their color, height and details he could see on both sides of the streets. 

Doing the exercise he was taught a long time ago, he caught himself describing the yates and realized he was in the harbor. Deciding that he could stay a little longer and enjoy the view, Nico took place at the bars that separated the woody floor from the water and watched the big and mostly white machines in front of him. 

Keeping a tight hold on the iron bars Nico tried to maintain his senses all focused on what he physically felt while pushing the intrusive thoughts to the back of his head. And, enjoying the first moment of calmness in days, Nico closed his eyes and started to hear the sound of the waves. 

“Nico?” 

Nico was brought back by someone calling him. 

“Lewis?” 

“Are you okay?” Lewis had a slightly worried expression, his hands in front of his body like he was prepared to grab Nico if he threatened to jump in the water. 

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Nico answered, his voice much slower than he intended. “What are you doing here?” 

Lewis looked almost retaliated by his question. 

“Uhm, not here in the harbor. What are you doing, uhm, here in Monaco? Shouldn’t you be in some country for the next race?” 

“Nico, there’s no race this weekend.” Lewis explained, sounding careful with his words. “We’re on a break before the next triple header.” 

“Oh.” That’s all Nico could say and think. Oh. 

Lewis looked at him with a much more worried expression. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m good. Also… thank you for what you did for me that night and, uhm, for…” Nico felt like he had a whole thing planned to say, but his mind wasn’t in sintony with his mouth. “And for calling Jenson.” 

This is pathetic. You’re pathetic, Rosberg. 

“Nico, I don’t think you’re okay. Do you want me to call someone? Maybe Jenson or Toto, or someone else?” Lewis asked, already with his phone in hands. 

“No, that’s okay. I’m just a bit off, but I’m gonna be fine. You don’t have to do this anymore. I mean, take care of me.” Nico said, a sad smile playing on his lips. 

“Nico,” Lewis, Nico noticed, kept saying his name in an attempt to call his attention. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be out here alone. Just go home.” 

Nico suddenly felt like he had a weight of 50 lbs around his neck pulling him down. 

“Home.” Nico laughed drily, looking at the sea. “Yeah, home, sure. I will go home.” 

Lewis was prepared to say something in return when someone of the group behind him called. 

“Just a minute.” Lewis answered, not minding on turning back to look at the person.  “I know how you get when you’re like this, it’s not safe to be here.” 

Lewis looked at the water and back at Nico. 

“You say it like I’m going to jump and kill myself.” 

“No, I know you wouldn’t do this, but still-” 

“Lewis.” The guy in the group called again. 

“Just,” Lewis looked behind his back and Nico noticed how he tried to not yell. “Wait a minute.”

Lewis took a breath and kept his voice calm and steady as returning to talking to Nico.

“Nico, please-” 

“I know, Lewis, just go home. I get it, okay? You can go now, your friends are calling you.” Nico said, pulling away from the bars with his hands in the jacket’s pockets, giving Lewis the clear sign that the conversation was over. 

“Nico…” 

“Just go. I will be okay.” Nico said, managing to give Lewis a little smile. 

Lewis looked at him. Just looked at him, and Nico suddenly was very much self-conscious. He felt uneasy under the intensity of Lewis' gaze while the Brit tried to decide if he should believe in Nico or not. 

“Okay.” Lewis said, unsure. “But just call someone if you continue to feel like this, alright? Please?” 

“Sure.” Nico shrugged. 

“Alright,” Lewis looked at him one last time before turning back to go to where his friends stood impatiently waiting. "Good night.”

“Good night.” Nico said and turned back to look at the sea, the sensation of Lewis’ gaze on his back and the distance of his presence getting bigger. 

Nico turned back to stare at the sea, trying to go back to the little silence his mind was in just mere minutes ago, but with no success. 

Although he wasn’t feeling all the noise filling it from side to side, the feeling of emptiness was back and Nico couldn’t focus on anything more than the growing void inside his chest ready to consume his heart. 

Nico headed back to his apartment no more interested in the constructions around him, doing an unimaginable effort to not fall on the sidewalk and sleep right there. 

Once in his apartment, Nico went directly to his bedroom, taking his clothes off and getting under the blankets, letting himself be consumed by the warmth.   

-X- 

Nico woke up the other day and forced himself out of bed, tried to eat breakfast and cleaned the apartment, taking the clothes that were on the floor of his bedroom, moved some of the furniture and watered the few plants he had in his balcony. 

It was almost noon when Nico's phone rang and showed his mom's photo on it. Nico picked up the phone while searching in the cabinets for something to prepare for lunch. 

"Hello, mom." 

"Hello, baby, how are you?" Her voice was warm and light. 

"I'm fine, what about you and dad?"

"We're doing great, honey. Your father is cleaning his toys in the office." Nico pictured Sina rolling her eyes with a grin as she always did when talking about Keke's little cars collection. "It's been awhile since we last saw you, so why don't you come here for lunch? I'm finishing cooking and your father would be delighted to show you the new cars he bought." 

"Actually, this would be great, mom. I'm afraid I forgot to go to the supermarket anyway." Nico said, rubbing the back of his neck. He still wasn't used to living alone and doing the shopping. 

"Of course you forgot, it was always Lewis who did it." Sina said Lewis' name calmly as he was still around in Nico's life. Nico felt his heart sank, but ignored it. "We will be waiting for you, alright? Don't take too long or the food will get cold." 

"Sure, mom, I will be there in thirty minutes or something." 

Sina rang up after that and Nico sighed, staring at his phone. “It was always Lewis who did it.” Nico let go of his mother’s voice, went to take a shower and left twenty minutes before the time he said he would be in his parents’ house, which gave him enough time to stop at a small market and buy flowers and a bottle of white wine. 

Nico arrived right on time and was received by his mother, her happy face made Nico smile and relax on her warm hug. 

“I bought this for you, mom.” Nico said with a shy but proud smile, giving Sina the bouquet of white lilies. 

“Oh sweetheart, they’re beautiful. Thank you.” Sina said, smelling the flower’s. “I’m gonna put them in the water. Lunch is already on the table and your father is in the office.” 

Nico headed to the office at the end of the hall and saw Keke focused on a small red car toy. 

“Hello, dad.” 

“Oh, hello, Nico. Didn’t hear you arriving.” Keke said, putting the toy aside and hugging Nico. “It’s good to see you.” 

“It’s good to see you too, dad. What are you doing?” Nico asked, pointing to the little object with three of the four tyres missing. 

“This little thing is giving me nightmares. I've been trying to fix a problem with the tyres since your mom and I arrived from Dubai two days ago. I only managed to get one of them right so far.” 

“We can give it a look together later, if you want.” 

“Yes, of course, that would be great, son.” Keke confirmed, smiling. 

“Boys, aren’t you hungry? Because I am and I’m gonna start eating if you don’t come now.” Sina said from the dinner room. 

Nico and Keke went to the dinner room still talking about the toy, his father explaining what he thought the problem with it probably was while Nico listened and agreed with his suspicions.

The dinner room was decorated in a classical style, with lamps in golden and the dinner table with its chair in a very light pink. The china cabinet in all glass and white wood showed three collections of dishware in blue, green and silver and glasses in a mix of the same colors in light and dark shades. All the windows were open, revealing the light sky and the Sun shining bright, sunbeams reflecting in the sea water. 

The three Rosberg eat while talking, Nico telling his parents about his job in Sky Sports F1 and listening to stories about the adventures of their trip to Dubai and the Middle East. 

After cleaning both the dinner room and the kitchen, Sina announced she would be watching a new reality show in the living room and Nico and Keke went back to the office to try and fix the toy. 

It took them a long two hours between figuring out what was wrong with the toy and actually fixing it. Keke smeed happy enough with their result and put the little car in one of the shelves that was filled with classical and new Formula 1 cars. Nico was watching his father with a smile, Keke being all careful with the object in hands, and was ready to make a joke about his father’s hobby when he saw the Mercedes F1 W07 Hybrid. 

Keke noticed where Nico was staring and waited until Nico looked away to speak. 

"How's Lewis, son?" 

"I don't know, dad. We're not, uhm, close anymore." Nico answered, staring at his feet. Keke looked at him with a sympathetic face and rested his hand on Nico's shoulder. 

"How are you feeling?" 

"I don't know." Nico laughed, this time thinking how his life was amusing and funny. "People have been asking me this a lot lately." 

"Really?" 

"Yes. Jenson, Toto and... even Lewis." Nico murmured Lewis' name wishing Keke hadn't heard it, but he knew he did. 

"Well, that's because all of them worry about you." 

"I know, I know and I'm thankful for that, but I-" Nico looked down again, considering his next words. "I just feel like I've been making all the wrong decisions possible, mistake after mistake. I've been hurting people, hurting myself, hurting you and mom by not coming here more often. I don't know, I'm just so tired and- and alone." 

Nico felt tired. He was so sick and tired of talking about his feelings and how he was feeling, but it smeed he still wasn’t using enough words to express it. 

"Son, I can say it with no doubt that me and your mom are proud of you. We-" 

"Proud of what dad? How can you be proud of me? The only thing I’ve ever achieved in life is the championship. I lost everything, most of my friends, moments with our family, myself and the love of my life. Tell me what is there to be proud of?"

Keke was looking at him in shock and hurt, and that's when Nico realized he had said everything he wished he didn't. 

"Dad, I'm sorry I-"

"For how long have you been feeling like this again?"  

"Dad, I'm fine it was just-" 

"How long, Nico?" Keke asked, worried and anxious about Nico’s answer.

"A while. I don't know how long." Nico answered honestly, deciding to say whatever his father wanted to know and stopping walking around the bush. 

"Have you seen a professional?" 

"Yes, I was going to therapy, but had to stop it because of work." 

"Nico, listen to me and I'm going to be deadly serious about it, don't interrupt me or try to deny it. You're going back to therapy. I don't care how much of a break from work you will need to take, but you're going back to see and talk to a professional. All of us are right here with you and we will never leave you, but I'm sure there are things you don't want to walk about with us, and it's completely fine, but you have to look for help." Keke took a breath before continuing. "And I want you to talk to Lewis. I know you regret how things ended, even though I don't know what happened between you, but it's clear that you're both not okay." 

“We already talked, but I don’t think it was very successful.” Nico explained, trying to hide the sadness in his voice. 

“What happened?” Keke asked and Nico told him everything about the night during the USA GP, after all there was no reason to keep things hidden anymore.

Keke stayed in complete silence after Nico finished telling him what happened between his son and Lewis about a week and a half ago, debating whether what he was about to say would be good for Nico or not. 

“Me and your mom didn't want to say anything, but he came here after you left Monaco for some months.” 

"What?" Nico asked in disbelief, his voice trembling and hands cold as ice. 

"He came here searching for you, wanted us to tell him where you were, but we didn't know. We told him you left without telling us where you were going and, son, he looked devastated. I've known Lewis since he was a little kid and the only time I've seen that boy that sad was when he couldn't race because his kart was broken when he was kid. He looked lost, desperate. Your mom talked with him for hours until he calmed down and was able to go back home."

"Why didn’t you tell me?" 

"He asked us not to. Also when you came back you were looking so good and different, had something more in you, and we didn't want to make you go back to wherever dark place you were in before. I'm sorry, son." 

Nico fell on the sofa behind him in complete awe. Lewis had looked for him at his parents house after he left Monaco without telling him where he was going. God, Lewis said he was thinking of proposing to Nico someday. Jesus fucking Christ . 

A few tears fell down Nico’s cheeks and Keke sat by his son's side with a hand resting on his back, caressing up and down while Nico cried in silence with the weight of his realization. 

Chapter Text

For a long time Nico really felt like giving up. Like anything mattered. There were moments in which he looked around and nothing had much importance. Nico thought he was mean and most times ungrateful, unfriendly and incapable of being loved. He was many times disgusted by his own actions and that only increased the voices in his head to tell more bad things to him. 

Nico wasn’t really open about his mental health, he never had time to even think about that while racing and having a busy schedule. In fact, he never really knew much about mental health issues, but in his defense nobody really talked about that in motorsport and Nico wasn’t really the one to take the first step and bring the conversation up. During his career he was so focused on just racing, winning and proving himself to others that he didn't think about the consequences of never having a break or putting himself first and taking his body and mind beyond the limit. 

The first person to notice what was happening to him was Lewis. They spent most of their time together, which made it easier to realize something was different in Nico’s behavior. Lewis was the one to help pull Nico out of his mind, direct his attention to something else and calm him down by holding him close. Lewis was always there for Nico, telling jokes and creating stupid games out of nowhere just to make sure Nico was right there with him. 

Thinking now, sometimes Nico relied much more on Lewis than it was probably healthy to do. It took quite some time for him to realize that, but there was never a line in his relationship with Lewis. The only thing Nico knew for sure was that he didn't want to be alone and Lewis didn't either.  

Those memories warm Nico’s heart, even though they’re also painful. Nico and Lewis used to have a strong bond, they could feel each other and tell which the other’s next move would be, moving around in synchrony and harmony. They looked at each other like there wasn’t anyone else in the world and Nico remembers exactly how Lewis looked and touched him, holding him so close and seeming to never want to let him go too far away. 

Nico felt so unbelievably happy while dating Lewis. The German was so euphoric when the Brit took the first step and told him he was in love with Nico that he spent a month trying to hide his uncontrollable smiles. Nico was over the moon, he was so delighted to be dating his best friend and to expand their connection that he was sure nothing in the world could destroy them. He was sure he would never be alone and that every voice and feeling that told the opposite had just lost a hard battle. 

It was impossible to control their excitement when they became teammates. The whole paddock saw them as unstoppable, inseparable and undefeatable, but somehow they lost themselves and their deep knowledge about the other’s mind and habits became a tool in a forger’s hands and Nico still isn’t sure how and when that began. 

Nico knew now that there wasn’t only one to blame in the fallout of their relationship. After a lot of thinking and revisiting his and Lewis’ actions, he was sure that the end of Rosberg-Hamilton wasn’t something that was planned, but at some point it was imminent considering how much information they held about each other, mainly in a world so competitive and destructive like Formula 1. Worse than that, they held each other’s heart in their hands and they knew when exactly to squeeze it.  

It would be a lie to say Nico didn’t regret how things ended because he did, a lot. Nico was desperate to do something about that, to move on, to leave the past where it really belongs and make peace with it, but he just couldn’t. He felt like there were still things to make amends and that could only be done by talking to Lewis like they used to, without cold looks or hatred words. 

Nico still had his father's words ringing in his ears telling him to talk to Lewis. Keke had been as serious about the matter as he was when talking about Formula 1, whispering to Nico what he needed to do before dropping his son at the airport. Nico had stayed at his parents’ house for a few days after the conversation with Keke, neither him nor Sina letting Nico go back to his apartment even after Nico said multiple times he was fine. 

During the five days he was there Nico reserved some time to take a break and just be Nico, ignoring the Rosberg part as much as the World Champion title and the son of Keke Rosberg. He had his old room back, told his work team to keep his social media updated with whatever was planned and messaged his producer at Sky Sports F1 and Jenson to let them know he wouldn’t take part as a commentator in the last three races, but would still go to the paddock and write his weekly opinion article. And, in a leap of faith, he did one of the two things he knew he needed to do, book a session with a therapist, but kept ignoring the other one. 

After leaving the Rosberg house, Nico was hugged by his mother and tried to not give too much thought to the sensation of warmth and to a part of his telling him to stay in the safety of his family. While waiting at the airport Keke said goodbye and made sure Nico heard him saying “stay strong, son” . 

In the plane, Nico was scrolling through his instagram dash when a video posted by the Mercedes account showed Lewis and Valtteri playing some game. Trying to ignore his heart beating a bit faster and his mind saying how good Lewis looked, he played the video. Both drivers were wearing team shirts and smiled saying hello to the viewers, Valtteri explaining they were going to answer fans questions and try to be as honest as possible. 

Lewis initiated the game asking Valtteri if he had ever run naked in the snow, the Finnish laughing alongside his teammate while answering yes and explaining what happened after Lewis insisted on him telling the whole story. Nico smiled looking at Lewis. 

It was Valtteri's turn to ask the question and he smiled before reading it. 

“What is your opinion on marriage?” 

“Why do I always get relationship questions?” Lewis asked, laughing. Nico was surprised Lewis didn’t seem annoyed by the question. 

“I have no idea.” Valtteri commented. 

“Okay. I think marriage is fine. If you really love the person, you shouldn’t wait and just go for it.” 

“Do you want to get married?” Valtteri asked, without looking at the cards in his hands. 

“Is that also in the cards?” Lewis asked, laughing.  

“No.” Valtteri answered simply, also laughing. 

“Yeah, maybe someday. You?” Lewis said, his expression revealing nothing.  

“Maybe someday.” Valtteri commented.  

The video was about eight minutes long and Nico got distracted by Lewis' voice and smile at some point between minutes three or four. The German was going through a line of disconnected memories of a time he was already at a loss for words every time he stared into Lewis' eyes. You never really stopped falling for him, his mind whispered to him, making Nico wince. 

Nico got his attention back to the video when he heard Valtteri saying the word love in his question to Lewis. Nico replayed the question from the beginning and focused on what it meant. 

"So, Lewis, have you ever been in love?"

"Yes, I have." Lewis answered with a little smile.  

"Care to elaborate?" Valtteri asked, surprised by Lewis' smile when he actually agreed on answering. 

"Uhm, it's not been a long time. In fact, I might still be. It’s kinda hard to fall out of love with someone you’ve loved so much. But, let's go on, it's my turn to ask you a question."  Nico wanted someone to clarify to him if Lewis was really staring straight at the camera or if it was something that his mind created. 

Nico didn’t pay much attention to the rest of the video after that. 

-X- 

Mexico is beautiful, that’s the only thing Nico was sure about. He had never appreciated it enough while racing and unfortunately he wouldn’t have time to do the opposite this time either. Even Nico saying he wouldn’t be taking part in the commentator stuff in the next races, he still had as much work as if he still was. 

People were running from side to side in the paddock. Team members, fans and people that Nico couldn’t tell the name or the profession, but knew that were famous. Nico himself was running around, helping Jenson on what he had to do during the weekend while still taking notes to write his article. 

Nico didn’t have time to think about Lewis, the things he said in the video, Keke’s words or whatever else was on his mind. And Nico prefers it like that, it’s easier to shut his thoughts when he keeps his body in constant movement. He was in the post-qualifying interviews room, his hands alternating between writing what the drivers said and wiping the drops of sweat that fell on both sides of his face. 

Lewis was seated in the left chair, representing his second place on the starting grid, by his side were Sebastian Vettel and Max Verstappen. The Brit was unbothered playing with his water bottle, only lifting his head when a question was directed to him. 

“Lewis, do you think you are a better driver now than in 2016?”

“Yes. And a teammate, a boyfriend, a friend, everything.” He said, still playing with the bottle, like that was that simple. 

The room fell silent. Nico felt like everyone’s eyes were on him, which of course wasn’t real, he was seated in the back of the room with only the wall behind him and he had arrived late, so of course nobody was aware of his presence. At least that’s what he hoped for. The cameras’ flash were all over Lewis' face, waiting for a single further reaction, one that didn’t come. 

The sweat in Nico’s forehead ran cold and he didn’t know if he should write down what Lewis had said or not. He was sure Jenson, wherever he was, was either laughing or as paralised as him. Nico didn’t know Mercedes PR team now allowed their drivers to say stuff so overwhelming like that. 

All the paddock knew about Lewis and Nico's friendship and they soon got to know their rivalry. Nico remembered walking down the pit lane once after he lost pole position to Lewis for mere tenths like he just arrived in hell to claim the devil’s seat and everyone in front of him just moved like they were about to burn if they touched Nico. Everybody knew about their fearless fight on tracks and the intense fight for the title, and although no one knew about their romantic relationship, all of them could tell the friendship and the camaraderie were long ago lost. 

So yes, probably everyone’s eyes were on Nico and for sure they were on Lewis. That was understandable, the world still wanted a piece of them. 

When the conference ended, Nico was heading to where the Sky Sports F1 team was. He was on his phone texting an answer to Jenson, who was questioning about what he should say when eventually he was asked his opinion on what Lewis said, and it seemed to Nico that any other thing Lewis or the other two drivers said wasn't worth any attention now, either by the media or the fans. 

Nico stopped texting when his phone fell on the floor and started to apologize to whoever he had stumbled on when the other person was already doing the same, grabbing his phone and giving it to him again. 

“Sorry.” Lewis said, at the same time as Nico. 

“Hi.” Nico said, smiling like a teenager when they see their High School crush. 

“Hi. Did I hurt you?” Lewis asked, referring to what had just happened. 

Yes. 

“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry I didn’t see you coming.” Nico said, the text to Jenson long forgotten. 

“It’s not your fault. I was running right on your way.” 

Well, that’s ambiguous. 

“Are you alright? I mean, since I last saw you in Monaco.” 

Nico noticed, by his peripheral vision, people stopping to stare and cameras pointed to them. 

“Yes, yes. I’m fine now. Thank you for asking.” He answered, surprised by the worry that the conversation might come to an end rather than with the world watching them right there, talking in public for the first time since 2016. “How are you, Lewis?” 

Lewis looked taken by surprise by Nico’s question and didn’t mind hiding it. 

“Oh, I’m okay. Nothing new in my life, a part from- yeah. Things are still the same.” Lewis said and Nico had a feeling he wanted to say something more. 

“Great, that’s, uhm, good. Good luck tomorrow, Sebastian won’t be able to hold you for much time, but even if that doesn't happen, it won’t be a problem for you anyway.” Nico commented, and Lewis laughed. Good loving God.   

“Yeah, there’s only one German who can win from me, right?” Lewis said, smiling like he knew what was inside the Pandora box.

What the f-. Nico looked at him speechless. 

“Lewis,” Nico started. “What the hell was that that you said earlier?” 

“The truth." Lewis answered, right away. “I’m better now.” 

Nico was still looking at him fucking speechless. What the fuck was happening? What the fuck changed? 

“Lewis-” 

“I have to go now, okay? Keep yourself safe, yeah?” Lewis said, already walking. He smiled and didn’t turn back to hear Nico’s answer. 

But that’s fine, Nico didn’t have one, his brain was still processing what had just happened. 

Chapter Text

It’s the end of the afternoon in Abu Dhabi, Nico had decided to go out for a run near the race track to try and ease his mind from the repetitive thoughts. Qualifying is set to start in two hours and he needs to head back and change to go back to work, but he shrugs his shoulders like ignoring someone else’s observation and sits down to watch the sunset. 

He has an article to write about the last race weekend and a review about the whole season, but the only thing his mind can think about, and refuses vehemently to change it, is Lewis. 

Nico was, most of all, confused. Since the thing he liked to call “The Conversation”, a few weeks ago during the USA GP, something felt different, was different about the way Lewis talked and approached him, and although he couldn’t name it, he knew Lewis. Nico knew Lewis would be acting like he didn’t exist, like he was just a memory, a part of his past life, if he hadn’t changed his mind. 

To Nico, it was very clear where he stood in the Lewis matter. Nico for a long time misunderstood his feelings by the way his thoughts tormented and hunted him, but for the moments in which he had his mind clean he knew that he had never, and would never, stop loving Lewis. With his flaws and imperfections, he would never stop feeling like Lewis meant something bigger and deeper to him. 

It wasn’t a secret that Nico loved to wake up and see Lewis in the kitchen trying to make breakfast and, sometimes, failing at it. Nico loved to come home and be welcomed by things out of place, shoes and luggage in the hall. Nico loved to be lost in their own bedroom caused by the big mess Lewis made every single time he had to travel and choose what he would be taking with him or not. Nico loved to stay awake feeling Lewis’ calm and tender presence while Lewis held him close like dear life. 

There was no way to deny these things and he would just be hurting himself more by even trying to. 

Nico knows that there are things inside him that are not Lewis’ related and he needs to work towards knowing himself and understanding where all of that is coming from so he can treat it and heal it properly, and he’s trying his best to do all of that. Just taking it day by day, like his therapist said. The German knows that those are the only things that he can control and actually change. He knows those are his responsibilities and he can’t keep running away, it doesn't matter how much he wants to deny it and blame others for his wrong decisions.

However, Nico also knows that there are things that involve Lewis’ and he cannot solve them by himself. He doesn’t know where they stand, or if there is even a “they”. Nico made his peace with the thought that Lewis didn’t love him anymore and that he needed to go, but after everything his ex-boyfriend said, he’s not sure about that anymore. Nico can’t shake the feeling crawling in the back of his mind telling him that he made a mistake by both going away and not giving Lewis the opportunity to rebuild whatever was left of them. 

Nico can’t also forget about Lewis telling openly to the press that he’s a better teammate now, and a boyfriend, which leads a part of Nico to wonder if that was a subliminal message to him. Or to his girlfriend, the one that Nico only saw once and that nobody talked about, who probably knew about his relationship with the German and was trying to reaffirm that he wasn’t that person anymore.

The other part of Nico, differently, tried to take him to the last race and to the scenario he was in.

The Mexico GP was madness, Lewis came up in sixth and Valtteri had a DNF. Toto was beyond pissed, his stress being so vivid that it was almost solid. The Brazil GP, on the other hand, was a masterclass from both Mercedes cars in a very wet race that ended with a win for Lewis and the confirmation of another championship. 

Nico doesn't want to think about that, but still there's the memory going on in the back of his mind like a video compilation. He was near the Mercedes crew, ignoring his contract clauses with Sky Sports. Lewis had the biggest of smiles on his face and the crowd was absolutely wild, cheering and screaming his name the whole time since the start of the race. Nico had his own eyes glued in Lewis, not wanting to miss a single movement of his. 

The atmosphere reminded Nico of Lewis' first championship right there back in 2008 and, for the first time since that day, Nico was really happy and comfortable about it. Maybe it was Lewis finding Nico in the middle of the crowd and smiling looking straight at him, or some evolution in his mindset. He's not sure, but still it felt good to feel something other than jealousy and fake happiness for the achievements of someone he loved, but still wanted to beat.

Nico spent too much time going between the guilty of not feeling extremely happy for the person he loved the most and saying fuck it while working harder to overcome the feelings and the demons inside him. The thing is that everyone always seemed to be succeeding more than him no matter how hard he worked and that made him so angry and frustrated he wouldn’t be able to put it into words. Nico just wanted to win, to prove to himself and to others that he wasn’t a failure, and it didn’t matter how many times his family, friends and Lewis said otherwise, it wasn’t enough if it didn’t come from him. 

So the feeling of genuine happiness for seeing Lewis breaking another record took Nico by surprise and he got even more happy. Lewis deserved all of that, Nico just didn’t know if he deserved Lewis sharing it with him, not after all the pain he had put the Brit through. 

That’s what took them apart, the guilty and the jealousy, from both sides, but mainly from him, Nico thought. And Nico knew at that moment, in which by magic Lewis captured his eyes from the podium, he couldn’t move on if not by asking Lewis for forgiveness and placing all the further decisions in his hands. 

Sighing to himself, Nico looked one last time to the Sun almost gone and walked back to the hotel. Feeling the calm sensation of the beginning of the night and a warm breeze touching his face, Nico clapped his fingers in the rhythm of the song playing in his headphones.

Unlike the qualifying back in 2016, Nico didn’t feel his organs being crushed by anxiety and, not that he would admit that, fear. He still remembers the aftermath of the Q3 and the fight with Lewis that confirmed to him that their relationship was over. He still remembers the look in Lewis’ face and the harsh words said by the both of them. And he doesn’t want to repeat that ever again. 

Nico was outside the Ferrari motorhome waiting for Sebastian Vettel, the other responsible for the Driver’s Championship fight, to ask for an exclusive statement about the season and his and Lewis’ rivalry. His attention was called to the opposite direction when he heard a voice calling his name from behind. 

“Nico.” 

Nico looked at where the voice was coming and he saw Lewis with the jacket’s hood covering his head, in an attempt of not calling attention to him. 

“Lewis?” 

“Come here.” Lewis said, making a move for him to follow. Nico’s mind wasn’t processing the information. “Come here, Nico.” 

Nico followed, looking at both sides before. 

“What are you doing? And why are you whispering?"

“I don’t want anyone to see us. Are you waiting for Seb?” 

“Yes,” Nico answered, wincing at the nickname. “Can I help you?” 

“Yes. I mean, I don’t need help, I just wanted to talk to you. Invite you to a party, actually.” Lewis said, smiling proudly. 

“Invite me to… a party?” Nico was so confused. 

“It’s the team’s party. We’re celebrating tomorrow after the race. You know, the team wants to celebrate the end of the season and the championships and everything.” Lewis explained, hugging his jacket closer. “It would be good to have you there, if you want to come, of course.” 

“Uhm,” Nico didn’t know what to say. He answered slowly, like Lewis was a three year-old asking for another cookie. “I’m not a part of the team anymore.” 

“I know, but still,” Lewis stared at a point behind Nico’s ear. “Everybody likes you there and they kinda miss you.” 

“They what?” Nico murmured, his mind still not processing what was happening. This can’t be fucking real.

“They miss you,” Lewis repeated. Nico almost couldn’t hear what he said next, there was too much noise outside. “And I do too. So it would be great if you could come.”

Nico took more time than he could count to give Lewis an answer. He was exactly thinking about talking to Lewis, but a party isn’t the right place for that, mainly when it’s a party with almost everybody that had free tickets to watch their rivalry first hand in VIP seats.    

“Uhm, I” Nico started, looking nervously anywhere but Lewis’ face. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. You know, see each other after the last race. But, uhm, I would like to see you, though.” 

Nico took a quick glimpse at Lewis’ face and saw a warmth in the other’s eyes he hadn’t seen in a while. That made him look at the Brit properly. 

“I would like to see you too.” Lewis said, smiling. Nico thought he could die right there. What the fuck. “Just come to the party. It’s different now, it’s going to be fine. We can have a beer and see the mechanics getting drunk. Just, you know, don’t let your thoughts stop you from doing something.”

Nico still felt a bit unsure about the idea, but what else he had to lose?

“Okay. Yeah, I’ll come to the party.” Nico said, mirroring Lewis’ smile.

“Really? Good, good.” Lewis seemed to have a heavy weight off his shoulders. “It’s at the same club as always, at ten.” 

“I’ll see you there then.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Good. We’ll wait for you.” 

They stared at each other for a couple minutes until someone outside screamed Sebastian’s name and they seemed to have been woken up from a dream. Lewis waved goodbye and turned on his heels. 

It’s different now, it’s going to be fine.

Don’t let your thoughts stop you from doing something.

I hope, Nico thought. 

-X- 

Lewis didn’t win the race, but that didn’t matter much. Everybody in the paddock had a tired and happy smile on their faces, hugs, screams and jumps everywhere. The season was finally over and a little time to rest was set to begin. After the celebrations, of course. 

It was half past ten when Nico arrived at the club Mercedes always closed exclusively to the party. There was a mix of lights in purple, pink and green, and a strong smell of alcohol in the air. People were screaming an indistinguishable lyric of the music playing. 

Nico went to the bar and ordered an energy drink, looking around searching for Lewis. A glass was placed in front of him and he took a sip of the drink trying to read the names in the bottles on the shelf behind the counter. 

Nico looked around again and saw Toto coming in his direction. The team boss was wearing a blue and white shirt that was almost covered in sweat and champagne. The party hadn't even begun yet and people were already drunk it seemed. 

“Hey, Nico,” Toto said, smiling loosely. “Lewis said you would come. It’s good to see you really came.”

“Yeah, he invited me yesterday.” Nico said, his voice louder than normal so Toto could hear him. 

“Finally he had enough courage to talk to you. You have no idea how he was after the USA GP.” Toto said, taking a seat by Nico’s side. Nico had forgotten how much more talkative Toto was when drunk. “He didn’t tell me what happened, if you’re wondering, he just said you talked. Angela commented that he was meditating a lot more since then.” 

Toto called the bartender and ordered a water, giving Nico time to consider if he should ask the next questions or not.

“What do you mean? How was him?” 

“Well, you know, a bit distracted, more quiet, too closed in his thoughts. Just as he got whenever you guys had a fight.” Toto declared, drinking half his water. “We were worried about him, he seemed uneasy and nervous, something that you don’t usually see as being the normal Lewis.”

“And you think he’s better now?” 

“Are you asking this about his behavior or about what he said in that post-conference?” Toto asked, sounding more sober than before. 

“Both, maybe?” Nico said, smirking. 

“Yes, I think he is,” Toto answered, also smirking. “You should talk properly. I really don’t know what happened, but I think that was therapeutic.” 

“It was, in some disturbed way.” Nico commentend, drinking his drink and wishing it was something stronger. 

“That’s good.” Toto said, with a sincere smile. “I’m happy for you.” 

“Try to not be, we have nothing solved yet.” Nico stared at the glass in his hands, trying to push the angst that tried to climb to his heart. 

“Well, that depends on what you both want.” 

They spend some time talking, being joined by Bono. The conversation was about everything and anything, even the weather becoming a subject for a group of two drunk guys and one on his way to leave the sober world. Nico was laughing like he hadn’t laughed in a long time. When he looked at the door and saw Lewis, a part of his brain stopped functioning, trying to get a sip of his clothes, body, face and the radiant smile that hadn't left his face since the end of the race. 

Lewis walked around talking to everybody and receiving smiles and applauses, some hugging him, some clapping him in the back. Toto and Bono talking was background noise mixed with the loud music. Nico had lost track of the conversation since Lewis arrived and when Lewis approached the three of them he thought he forgot how to talk, only the glass in his right hand holding him in place.  

“Hey, man.” Lewis screamed, hugging Bono. 

“Here’s the champ.” Bono screamed back, laughing. “Late as always.” 

“Give me a break, it’s my moment.” Lewis replied. 

“You’re right, it’s your moment. We need to celebrate it.” Toto affirmed, asking for a new round of tequila shots for all. 

Lewis was still smiling when he saw Nico, not the same smile he gave the others, this one a little bit shyer and reserved, but still happy. Nico knew that smile too well and that made him wince. 

“Hey, you came.” Lewis said, taking a step in Nico’s direction. 

“You asked me to come, didn’t you?” Nico said, smiling, repeating Lewis’ words back in the USA. He suddenly was too aware of his surroundings, feeling Toto’s and Bono’s eyes on them. 

“Yes. Yes, I did.” Lewis answered, his eyes shining. 

The tequila shots were put in front of them and after drinking they all engaged in a conversation that Nico laughed occasionally, his mind too loud and loose. They moved to a table near a glass door and Lewis ended up sitting by Nico’s side, their thighs touching, his body radiating warmth and safety. Lewis’ laughter reminded Nico how relaxing and, at the same time, exciting the sound could be, how warm he felt inside, his heart doubling in size filled with feelings he couldn’t describe.  

“Thank you for coming.” Lewis commented, his voice low and mouth almost touching Nico’s ear. “I’m happy you’re here.” 

Nico looked at Lewis, his close presence making Nico’s body physically remember what was like leaning in and kissing Lewis. He used all his self control to not do exactly that. 

“I’m happy that I’m here too.” Nico said, his voice also low, leaning in Lewis' side, their noses slightly touching. 

Lewis’ eyes were even darker, his face serious and concentrated in Nico’s face. Nico held his gaze, trying not to flinch at the thought of being analyzed by Lewis. The Brit opened his mouth to say something when a guy jumped laughing and screaming congratulations on his face. Nico got up from his seat and went to the balcony, letting the cold breeze calm his nerves. The city lights mixed with the stars, forming an endless pathway of lights. 

Nico was there for what seemed like five minutes, his heart rate and breathing almost under control, when he felt someone by the door. He didn’t need to look to know it was Lewis. 

“Nico, are you okay?” Lewis asked. Nico took a moment before answering, not trusting his voice enough to talk without stutter.

“What is this game that we’re playing here, Lewis?” 

“What do you mean? I’m not playing any games.” 

“All of this. What you said back in the USA, you telling me to take care of myself, you checking up on me that night in the harbor, you talking about being a better teammate and a boyfriend. What is all of this?”

“Well, it’s the truth and also, even if you don’t believe it, I do care about you.”

“Then why are you only saying it all now? What changed?” Nico turned to look at Lewis. The other man had his hands in his pants pockets, looking at Nico like he wanted to say everything going on in his mind. Nico also knew that look. 

Lewis looked over his shoulder to see one of the mechanics jumping from a table in the outstretched arms of a group in front of him on the dance floor.

“Nic, I don’t think this is the best place or time to talk about this.” 

Nic.

“Yeah. Yes, of course, you’re right.” Nico said, trying to fix his hair. “You should probably go back inside, people must be looking for you.” 

Lewis’ expression became empty, his eyes and posture revealing nothing. Nico noticed how much control he had developed over his actions and emotions by only looking at him standing there. He tried to not rear the voice in his head saying how much Lewis changed and Nico wasn’t there to see it happening.

“What if I want to stay here with you?” Lewis asked, the feelings in his voice being too overwhelming to Nico’s ear. But still so good to hear. “Can I?” 

“Yeah, yeah, if you want to.” Lewis took a place by his side, looking at the stars. Nico knew his next question would probably end the moment, but he wasn’t known for taking the most wise decisions. “What about your girlfriend? Why isn’t she here?” 

Lewis turned his head so quickly that Nico was sure he would be having an ugly pain in the spot later.

“Wha- Who- What girlfriend?” He stuttered, a sound of panic in his voice. 

“The girl you were with during the Italian GP?” Nico asked, unsure. Lewis was confused and looked like Nico had just insulted him.

“Oh, Layla? She’s the sister of a friend. She’s an actress and her new movie is about racing or something and she asked me if she could come to one of the GPs to see what it’s like to be a black person in motoracing. She’s not my girlfriend, Nico.” 

Lewis’ voice at the end remembered Nico of the night in the USA where Lewis told him he never cheated on Nico. Nico’s not certain about what to do with that information because wow. 

“Oh, okay. That’s, uhm, cool. Nice.” He turned his head to the opposite side, not giving Lewis a chance to see whatever emotion he had all over his face. His hands started to shake a little, he knew he couldn’t say it was because of the wind.

“Did you really think she was my girlfriend?” Lewis asked with what sounded amusement in Nico’s ears.

“I mean, yes, everyone had their eyes on you.” Nico answered, honestly, no point in trying to deny it when Lewis already knew the truth.

“I said in an interview, on the same day, that she is just a friend, Nic. You didn’t see it?” 

“No, I didn’t.” Nico said, lowering his head in an attempt to hide the blush in his cheeks. “To be honest, I wasn’t willing to see anything about you being together.” 

“You wouldn’t see anything because there wasn’t anything to see. I’m not dating her or anyone else.” Lewis’ voice was firm and severe, an indication he wasn’t open for discussion or doubtness. He would still repeat it how many times it was needed.

Nico was between saying “good”, what would be interpreted as relief, or saying nothing. 

“Okay.” He decided to say. Not his best answer, though. Lewis smiled at him like he smiles at every selfie with Roscoe. 

Nico turned back to the city lights, again trying to control his heart. He weighed his next words. If he considered himself as someone who makes mistake after mistake, he might as well just do another one. Although, he thought what he was about to say wasn’t even near the worst thing he had ever done. 

“I’m sorry.” Nico murmured. Lewis looked at him like he had just said he was about to jump off a plane. “For everything.”

Nico's hands were trembling, he tried to control it by holding them into fists, but couldn't prevent it. Lewis noticed and held them into his. 

"You don't have to do this." 

"I know my words during that fight still stick into your brain. They do in mine too, but you have to know that I didn’t mean them. I was lying because I was angry. I like helping you, Nico. I love holding your hands and it's great to know I can help you feel better." 

"Thank you." Nico said with his eyes shut. 

"You never have to thank me for anything." 

“But I mean what I said. I don’t want to bring everything up and turn this night about me when it’s yours and I really don’t want to take this away from you. I just need you to know.” 

Lewis stared at him with a little sad smile. He tightened his hold in Nico’s hands.

“We can talk when we’re back in Monaco, if you want. Or we can go somewhere else.” Lewis’ voice was low and sincere, the same tone he uses to talk to people he loves.That’s another thing Nico knows, he had heard it multiple times in the past. And thought would never hear again. 

“You need to prepare for the FIA Gala and all the media stuff.” Nico said.

“This is not my first priority now, Nic.” Lewis was as confident while saying this as he gets every time he’s inside a Formula 1 car, set to mark the best time of the weekend during free practices. 

Nico only nodded, his mind creating dystopian scenarios to the affirmation. They stood on the balcony. Lewis was still holding Nico’s hands while the party noise left no space for silence. 

Chapter Text

Paris is really something else, Nico thought. He always wanted to come back and really give it a look beyond the race track and work duties. Visit every item in the list of obligatoires museums, restaurants and historic places. And he wanted to include France on the list of countries he intended to travel to after his retirement, but a quiet voice reminds him right away of the silent dream of coming to the city with Lewis and trying all the couple bullshit Nico always claimed to deeply dislike.

And although this time he wasn’t in the city exactly for work he wasn’t with a special company either. So the plans had to be postponed to an undefined date once again. That line of thinking striked Nico with a sudden wave of distress that he tried to ignore and keep the good mood of being in a place that seemed new and different to him. 

He had been in a determined and tough fight to keep himself from being pulled into his mind at the very moment he let his guard down. The German thought he was doing quite well so far and felt something that could be confused by pride for his small achievement. He wasn’t in the place to call it a victory yet, but deep down he knew he was happy for another baby step.

Nico thought he had a breaking point at some moment. Or should've had, at least. In the middle of his worst moments, the moments he was deep inside his head, blinded by his thoughts and strong emotions dominating him, he hoped for a day in which he would wake up and see that everything was different, better. 

The day in which the gray days, the incessant tiredness and the shadow feeling following his every step were all gone and, finally, the disposition, the happiness and the smiles would be filling his life. 

The thing is, that day never came. 

Nico knew he was in a different place compared to the one he was months ago, but he also knew the magic he was waiting for wouldn't happen if he didn't allow it and didn't fight hard for it. He knew he had to fight to wake up, to shower, to go on walks, to work and try to be less severe with himself. And he needed to do that every moment of every day. 

His therapist told him to be kinder to himself. To acknowledge that he wasn't complete and that he had flaws, and although he had the capacity to be better and overcome all of that, he needed to embrace his imperfections and live a life less controlled. 

It was okay to be late some days, it was okay not feeling good some days, it was okay to fight even harder to be his better self some days. He didn't need to do everything all at once. He didn't need to be chasing the clock like time would vanish from his hands. It was okay to try again and again and again and he didn't need to explain all his actions and decisions to everyone. 

Nico was still fighting a battle in his mind. He was still trying every day and he would be trying every day till the end of his life. Not only to be better for others, but mainly for himself. Others would still live their lives whether or not he was fine, and although Nico knew he was loved by his friends and family, he also knew he would be alone in his mind at the end of the day and he needed to fight hard to keep everything he was working for not to crumble. 

Nico was working towards being better, but of course he still had the old bad days. He knows them very well and that’s why he’s trying to build something that by far can look like an attempt of a friendship with his inner self.  

His mind was still a mess, thoughts coming and going, switching places at calling his attention. Work, past, races, future, Lewis. The last one was, Nico was almost certain, euphemistically speaking, one that never left him. No matter what Nico did or where he was, there’s this part of Lewis in Nico that is as vivid as him. 

He can still feel Lewis by his side in the balcony in Abu Dhabi, beautiful, calm and warm like he always was. And after debating a lot, Nico couldn’t keep telling himself that he didn’t miss Lewis. Not that the people who know him would be surprised to hear him saying it out loud. 

It wasn’t a secret that Nico loved Lewis, the heart eyes he gave the other and the smile that lit his face whenever someone mentioned Lewis were enough to prove that. And he didn’t want to open the door of the unending room in his mind where he would find himself going in circles questioning what happened to them. 

Nico only realized he was in front of the hotel he would be staying in when the car stopped. Taking his luggage, he went to the reception where a receptionist was waiting. 

“Good morning, welcome to the Pullman Paris Tour Eiffel. How can I help you?” 

“Good morning, I have a reservation under the name of Nico Rosberg.” 

"Let me check it. A second, please, sir." 

"Sure." 

Nico waited quietly murmuring a song that sounded like pop from an artist he was sure he had never in his life heard before but still got their music stuck into his brain. 

Looking around the art on the walls Nico’s eyes laid in Lewis entering the hotel in sunglasses tapping on his phone with a Mercedes PR team integrant by his side. His first impulse was to look away, but decided not to. Lewis lifted his gaze from the object in his hands and looked straight to Nico. 

"Nico?" He seemed surprised, taking the sunglasses off. 

"Hey, Lewis." Nico said, giving him a small smile that he did not want to think as shy.

"What are you doing here?" Lewis asked, returning the smile.

"Toto invited me as a Mercedes' guest for tonight." 

"Really? That’s amazing. He didn't tell me." 

"Yeah. Probably wanted it to be a surprise.” Nico tried to joke. God.  

"A good one by the way.” Lewis exclaimed, playing with the phone. “Thanks for coming.” 

“I couldn't miss you doing history once again.” 

Lewis looked at him amused and revealed how delighted he actually was. The Brit opened his mouth at the same time Nico did and both of them laughed, the sound coming from Lewis echoing and wrapping like a chain around Nico’s heart. 

“You first.” Lewis encouraged. 

“I just wanted to say it was good to see you back in Abu Dhabi, the party was nice.” Nico said, putting his hands in his pockets, suddenly not knowing what to do with them. “You?” 

“I, uhm, wanted to text you after the party to talk about something, but then I-” Lewis cut himself, looking around. “I realized I don’t have your new number.” 

“Oh.” Nico was sure he loses his power of speaking every time he’s around Lewis. 

“Yeah.”

“I-I changed it after the announcement.” Nico explained, referring to his retirement. “My phone was crazy with calls and texts, so I had to, you know…” 

“Yeah, I get it. It was wise.” Lewis commented. The tone of his voice sounded in Nico’s ears like there was a meaning beyond just agreeing to Nico’s decision. 

Of course he wants to say something more to that. 

“You can have the new one, if you want.” 

“Sure, of course.” Lewis unlocked the phone in a blink, eyeing Nico expecting for the other to tell the numbers.

“So, what was it that you wanted to talk about?” Nico asked, feeling an anxious feeling hit him, almost squeezing his throat from inside out. 

“I wanted to know if you-” Lewis started but couldn’t finish the question because the girl from Mercedes appeared at his side. 

“I’m sorry to interrupt. Lewis we have to go, the interview is in five minutes.” 

“The interview? Oh, yes, I forgot about that. Do we have to go now?”

“Yes, I’m sorry. We’re late.” 

“Okay,” Lewis sighed, turning his gaze back to Nico. “Can we talk later? Tonight at the gala?” 

“Sure, no problem.”

“Sorry I have to go.” Lewis tensed, starting to move in the opposite direction against his will, but still waiting to hear Nico’s answer. 

“That’s fine. You have work to do. Go.” Nico reassured, trying to give him a smile to prove it. 

Lewis looked to the girl from the PR team already at the elevator and back to Nico, seeming very much as a kid choosing between which of parents’ houses they would be staying after the divorce. He looked one last time to Nico and walked to the elevator, his head down and tense shoulders.

For anyone else to be in Carrousel du Louvre would not only be an honor but a dream coming true, mainly if the person in question was a driver. But to Nico it was a normal place as any other. He didn’t feel goosebumps or excitement at being back in the place FIA reserved specially for tonight’s event. In fact, he could say it was boring as hell. 

He remembers conversations with Lewis years before about being in this place and being crowned champion. It was exciting back there, Nico would admit that, but now he thinks it’s just another boring and fake ceremony as it ever was, although they wouldn’t realize it when involved in all the bliss, lights, wealth and champagne. 

Nico walked through the corridors trying to make himself as invisible as a former champion that was there to prestige his ex-rival could be. With his head down, Nico searched for any sign of Toto or anyone else from Mercedes, politely denying glasses of champagne that were offered to him second after second. He thought it would be safer to not be blinded by alcohol in that place with all those people.  

There were people forming a group by the entrance that called Nico’s attention, he turned his head and saw Lewis coming in. The Brit was wearing a dark blue velvet jacket, rings in almost all fingers and a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Lewis walked through the room while people screamed his name and more people guided him to where he should be heading. Camera’s flashes were all over him and Nico knew by his expression that he was wishing he could make all of that disappear. 

Toto and Susie appeared right behind waving discreetly at some people. Toto saw Nico near the wall and brought Susie to where he was. 

“Nico, it’s good to see you.” Susie said, grinning. Nico hugged her and Toto. 

“It’s good to see you too, Susie. It’s been awhile.”

“Right? I’ve missed you. Toto told me you were back. Missed the speed, huh?” 

“Yes, what can I say? It seems we’re never free from all of this.” 

“I understand very well.” Susie laughed. 

“You two should talk more, you have a lot in common.” Toto said for the first time. 

“I agree, you should stop by some day. Have lunch with us.” 

“I really have to. Have been wanting to meet Jack. How’s he?” 

“He’s fine, growing up so fast. He’s going to love you. Being around drivers is like the funniest thing to him.” Susie said, happily. 

“He has fuel running in his veins already.” Nico joked, to which the couple laughed. 

“He really does.” Toto agreed. “Here, let’s go, the ceremony is going to begin.”

Nico and the Wolff's found the Mercedes table and waited a few minutes for the ceremony to properly start. Nico searched around for Lewis, but he was nowhere to be found and the German was curious to know why he wasn’t seated at the table too. 

A lot of talking, laughter and mandatory procedures later the presenters announced the winner of the Driver’s Championship. Lewis appeared on stage waving right after, the room clapping at him. The Mercedes table went crazy with screams and Lewis gave a big and honest smile to them in return.  

"He looks really good, right?" Susie whispered, by Nico’s side.

"I'm not sure if he ever looked anything less than good in his life." 

"You know, when we raced together me and the other kids had a special nickname for you." 

"Really? What was it?" Nico turned his head to the right side to look at her. 

"Lewis' Nico." She answered, beamed.

"What? Is that even a nickname?" 

"We thought it was funny how he managed to talk about you or just bring you up in a conversation out of the blue. He was always like "Nico would love this new ice cream flavor" or "Nico would be thrilled to be here". We all knew more about you than about Lewis himself. I even know that your favorite star constellation is Cygnus. Somehow I never forget that." She explained. Nico stared at her speechless. 

Everything that happened after went like a movie in Nico’s perception. Toto and Valtteri were on stage too, Lewis came to the table and enjoyed the rest of the ceremony, Susie involved him in a conversation about his YouTube channel and the places he visited during vacation and Nico knows he talked a lot but his mind wasn’t exactly processing what he was saying because he couldn’t remember a single word even if he tried. 

Nico caught himself texting Jenson, answering the other questions about the ceremony. He compared his actual situation to a teenager at a college party in which he knew no one and had no energy left to socialize. 

“Hey, can I sit here?” Nico lifted his head way quicker than he probably should. Lewis looked at him smirking. 

“Yes, sure.” 

“Who was seated here?” Lewis asked, already sitting.

“I have no idea.” Nico answered honestly and Lewis really laughed . 

Yeah, I’m screwed. 

“You look great.” Nico offered after reuniting all his courage again just like a teenager. 

“Thank you. You look great too.”  

Nico felt his face blush and looked down at his hands feeling Lewis intense eyes on him. 

“Do you like being back here?” Lewis asked, turning his body to face Nico properly.

“Honestly? No, I don’t. I like the speed and the cars, but I wasn’t made for all of this.” 

“I get that.” Lewis agreed and they stared at each other. Nico wondered how they looked to an outside viewer. “So I wanted to talk to you.” 

“Yes, yes. What was it?” 

Lewis was silent, looking at the water glass in front of him. Nico knew that whatever he was about to say wasn’t something that Lewis thought Nico had predicted. It was always like this. Lewis was the one who came up with the strangest and craziest ideas. He was the one who searched for their adventures and trips, leaving Nico to plan everything else and come up with a contingency plan if needed. 

Nico didn’t like unpredictable things. He was a natural controller and liked to know every step of what he was about to do, every information he could get his hands and eyes on. So when things happened without his acknowledgement, without him predicting it, he got nervous and anxious about it, desperate to find a solution to things he, most times, couldn’t solve. 

“What is it?” Nico asked again, feeling his hands getting cold and his back and shoulders tense. 

“I wanted to know if you would like to come with me to the Alps.” Lewis responded, finding something interesting in his nails.

“What?” 

“I have reservations and want to know if you would like to come with me.” He repeated, this time facing Nico confidently. 

“Why?” Nico’s mind wasn’t working and he was afraid he was misinterpreting everything Lewis said. 

“Uhm, well I-” 

“Sorry, I’m not judging. I’m just not getting it. I just want to know why.” 

“Well because, I don’t know, I thought we got a bit closer these last few weeks and thought we could talk about, you know, us like you said in Abu Dhabi. Maybe I got it all wrong.” 

“No,” Nico said, abruptly. “No, you didn’t. I-I just wasn’t expecting it.” 

“I know.” Lewis smiled. “I understand if it’s too much for you. We haven’t really talked or had an alone time before and traveling together like this is a lot. If you decline it, I will totally understand.”  

“Yeah, it’s a lot.” Nico blurted and Lewis sighed. 

But Nico wasn’t sure if he would ever have any other chance with Lewis, and if he was trying to be less of a controller and experience things for what they are, well. 

“I understand.” 

“But we’ve tried things my way before and it didn’t work out, so we might as well give yours a chance, I suppose.” 

“Really?” Lewis gasped. “Are you sure?” 

“I mean, yes, why not?” Nico smirked at his reaction. “Where in the Alps are we going?” 

“Chamonix.” 

Chapter Text

Nico doesn't know if it's capable of being addicted to a feeling, but if it is he’s sure he’s addicted to loneliness. 

For years the only thing he had was Lewis. From karts to Formula 1, from kids to adults, from friends to lovers. And then, it was just gone. Puff, like in a comic book. And although Nico’s doing his best at not trying to duel in the past, there’s still the harsh voice whispering behind his ear every time he lets his guard down.

When Nico left, and he didn’t plan on doing that until the last minute, there was a hole in his chest, the place where his heart should’ve been. He won the championship, he achieved his childhood dream, he proved himself, but those things weren’t enough. It somehow never is. 

Nico was happy, smiling, jumping, cheering because all that was a result from months, even years, working himself to the limit, and he couldn’t not celebrate. But after the bliss of the alcohol was gone and the voices around him went silent, the only thing left was quietness and Nico never really liked quietness because that meant to be face to face with the one thing he feared the most, himself. 

The couple of days after the Abu Dhabi GP 2016 were just madness. Not only the press wanted to know every little detail about the behind the scenes and the team wanted some response from him on whether he would be coming back or not, there was still the relationship, or what was left of it, that both he and Lewis ignored for pretty much almost all year. 

All that plus the stress from the years before fighting an invisible enemy and his own mind took Nico to a place, emotionally and psychologically, that he had never experienced before. 

Months after trying to figure out what to do with his life and deciding on stopping running away, he returned to the exact same point that represented the starting and the finishing line, Monaco and Formula 1. 

And now Lewis. 

Since the moment Lewis said the words “Chamonix” he’s sure he just stopped. Nico’s mind was empty. It was like someone had just turned off the switch and now the room was in complete darkness. 

The rest of the night passed and the background noise was rimiring in his ears. Everything after that felt in slow motion and disconnected from reality. Nico got back to the hotel and, when he woke up, the talk with Lewis and the invitation felt so distant that he wasn’t sure if it had really happened or his mind was creating things. 

He doesn’t know what he’s doing or what is happening and he wants answers. Nico didn’t like questions, they were too complicated and his own head was full of them, so he made it his purpose to try to find as many answers and explanations as he could. But Lewis never followed the script, he was always a point out of the curve. Always ready to do something no one was expecting and Nico wasn’t an exception. 

After so long and the angst around knowing he screwed any chance they had at getting their relationship and themselves back together, and the certainty that Lewis would rather swim with sharks than talk to him ever again, Nico is just… lost. Again. 

Lewis was right in front of him smiling like one day he did and invited him to travel to the same place they went on their first trip as an unofficial couple and Nico doesn’t know what to think about all that. 

Nico’s mind screams that it’s a trap, that he shouldn’t go. Nico’s heart begs for him to do the one thing he should’ve done a long time ago. And he feels caught up in a crossfire. What he should and what he wants, alongside the undying fear of failing and fucking everything up to a point of no return. 

And again he just wants answers. He just wants Lewis to scream straight at his face if that’s what he wants or tell him once and for all what is this game that they’re playing. 

But a small part of him wonders that Lewis first, would never do any of that, and second, wouldn’t take him all the way up to the Alps to tell him to get lost. Nico’s not dumb, deep down he knows what’s probably behind all of this because he knows Lewis, but that doesn’t mean he’s still not trying to not get his hopes up and stop being realistic about all the possibilities. 

In the end, Nico decides to go anyway, after all he has nothing else to lose. 

Now, two weeks after, Nico finds himself seated in a private jet with Lewis by his side and Roscoe between them playing with a little toy. The German feels a little bit over the edge, the sensation of panic rising in his throat for how unpredictable this all is. For how much no control he has in this situation. 

There are many thoughts in his mind, more than he can count honestly, but only one persists and it is if what they’re doing is real. Nico thinks he got so used to the melancholy of Lewis' absence in his life that if he looks to his left and sees him it will be just like an illusion. He spent so much time trying to get used to being alone, with no Lewis in the balcony exercising or dog toys around the living room, that he doesn’t know if he can do all that again. Or worse, try to forget all that again if they get the chance to try a second time and end up not working. 

Lewis is distracted looking at the clouds, one earphone on and his feet bouncing to the sound of the music. Nico knows he’s just faking it, that he’s not really paying attention to the music and that he’s just probably trying to figure out what he was thinking when he invited his ex-boyfriend to travel with him. Maybe even some of the same thoughts in Nico’s mind crossing his own. 

Nico wonders if Lewis told someone about the trip. He thinks that the most likely answer to this unsaid question is ‘no’. Lewis is not someone who shares, he’s private and he only lets people know what he wants them to know about his life. 

On Nico’s behalf, only his parents are aware of it. The German was at their doorstep the day after he got back from Paris and told them about what was happening . And just like the other times, he talked about all the stupid thoughts that filled his mind while his mother tried to console him and his father looked at him waiting the right moment to say whatever he thought Nico needed to hear. 

And Keke’s words are still ringing in his ears. 

“Nico, do you love him?” Keke asked, being direct and incisive as he usually is. 

“I could never stop.” Nico whispered, too afraid and exhausted to say the words louder. 

“So what’s stopping you?” 

“I don’t know,” Nico rested his head in his hands. He felt like in a movie in which the camera closed the caption in the character’s face. “I don’t know.” 

“Son, what’s in your mind, is only in your mind. There’s nothing true about it besides the fact that that boy just wants to spend time with you.” 

“You don’t understand, it’s not just like that.” 

“Maybe it is. If not, just think like it is.” 

The world around Nico is too far away from him. He’s trying his best to bring his mind back and focus on what he’s capable of physically feeling and touching, but that’s a hard task. He knows he’s drifting off into his mind and feels the sensation of panicking only increase more when he thinks about the mental exercises he has been doing to prevent episodes like this from happening that now seem wasted. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Lewis’ voice brings him out of his thoughts. 

“Yes, everything’s fine.” Nico tried to give him a smile, but with no big success. 

“You know, you can still, uhm, back off. I mean, if you don’t want to go anymore or are not sure about this, we can go back. I said I would understand and I will.” 

“It’s not that. I’m fine in general, but there’s still…” Nico slapped his hand on his thighs in frustration. 

Between the both of them Lewis was the good one with words. Nico was good with business and negotiations, and as always Lewis was a step ahead of him in the things he wanted. 

“Just use whatever words are in your head.” Lewis encouraged, softly. 

“I-I, uhm” Nico was looking everywhere but Lewis. “I’m not in control here. I-I don’t know what to expect from all of this. It’s just- Everything is so, I don’t know, out of reach.” 

“You want to be in control here?” Lewis asked after a moment. 

“What?” 

“You said you’re not in control, would you feel better if you were?” 

“I don’t know, probably, but there’s nothing I can do.” Nico simply answered with a shrug. 

“Of course there is,” Lewis said, taking off his watch. “Here, take this. You can count the time till Chamonix. Not only until we land, but after as well, tomorrow and after tomorrow. You can even find things to do there and plan it step by step.” 

Nico was speechless, looking at the watch as if it was going to burn. He knew that watch. He couldn’t say whether it was his or Lewis’ in the first place though, only knowing that it comes from a time in which none of them could identify their own objects and the other’s.  

“It was yours actually,” Lewis explained like he had just read Nico’s mind. “I took it from you when we were eighteen.”  

“I didn’t remember that.” Nico wailed, looking attentively at the objects in hands. 

“That’s fine, it was a long time ago,” Lewis said with a little sad smile. “We will talk when we get to Chamonix and get everything sorted out. I know you’re wondering what’s happening here.” 

“It’s fucked up how you can read my mind.” Nico commented, feeling unsure about the words as soon as he spoke. 

“It’s not like you’re any different.” Lewis just said, this time the smile in his face was something near amused. “You should try to get some sleep. Roscoe will want to play with you in the snow.”

This is so fucked up. I’m so fucked up. 

“Yeah,” Nico said looking down to where Roscoe was asleep. “He will.” 

Hours later, they landed in Chamonix. Neither of them said anything during the rest of the flight and Nico, curiously, thought that was fine. There wasn’t a need to fill the silence between them, something that was common years ago. 

Nico spent almost all the time looking at the clock Lewis gave him and searching for things to do during the days they would be staying in. And he didn’t want to predict anything, which made him leave a list of flights that would be coming back to Paris in the next hours, but as a backup plan, after all he didn’t know how things would turn out to be between the both of them.

The cabin that Lewis had rented was something different from what Nico was expecting, with glass windows and gray bricks in the outside, and lights all over the place and comfy couches in the inside. The place was too big for them.

“You can go and pick a room upstairs. I will make lunch.” Lewis said, turning on every light he could find in the way. 

“You’re going to cook?” Nico asked and the expression of surprise and amusement made Lewis laugh, awkward. 

“Yes, I will.” 

“Okay, let me know if you need help or something.” 

“Sure.” 

Lewis walked down the hall, in the direction, Nico deducted, of the kitchen. He stayed frozen by the foot of the wood stairs. Roscoe was in the middle of the living room, his head inclined to the right side looking at Nico. 

“I don’t know what to do either, buddy.” Nico murmured to himself, throwing one of his backpacks over his shoulder and taking the other one in his left hand. 

The German was in the third step when Roscoe barked. Nico looked down at him and gave a quick glimpse to the hall. 

“You wanna come with me?” He whispered. “Okay, let’s go before your dad comes looking for you.” 

Nico took the dog under his free arm and almost ran up the stairs. He put Roscoe on the floor and opened the door in the right, putting his head inside and giving a look. The room had a bed in the middle, a fireplace in the wall in front of it and an off white sofa by the windows that gave a clear view of nature outside. 

Roscoe followed Nico inside, running around. Nico took off his jacket and sat in the bed, eyes examining every little detail. 

A trip to Chamonix, Lewis making lunch, Roscoe following Nico, miles away from Monaco. Everything was completely out of the ordinary and felt so much like home. All of these things felt so domestic, as if they did this constantly. And they didn’t, Nico’s mind reminded him. It wasn’t normal, it wasn’t something they did, these things weren’t his. 

Nico closed his eyes and breathed in and out, his chin almost touching his chest and hands tight around the knees. When Nico opened his eyes, Roscoe was by his feet, looking at him like he was expecting Nico to do something that he didn’t know what was. 

“Hey, buddy, do you want something? Are you hungry?” Roscoe barked at the mere mention of food and Nico laughed. He really hadn’t changed at all. 

The German left his luggage untouched and headed downstairs with Roscoe again in his arms. Nico went to the kitchen and found Lewis with an apron with his back to the door, deep focused in whatever he was cooking. Roscoe ran to him and hitted the Brit’s leg with his head, Lewis smiled at him and lifted his head to look at Nico waiting by the door. 

Nico thought he stopped breathing. Fuck. 

“Lunch is almost ready. Take a seat.” Lewis pointed at the table all set with two places side by side. Nico was sure he was going to die. “Do you want something to drink?” 

“No, thank you, I’m good.” 

Lewis smiled again and got back to what he was doing. Nico took a seat and focused on the glass in front of him, drawing the blue flowers and leaves in it with his fingers in an attempt to distract himself and keep the rising anxiety in his chest under control. 

Nico wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, but only realized that time had passed when Lewis put a plate full of pasta and seated in the chair by his side. Nico stared at the food in amusement, not a million years expecting Lewis to cook something that looked so good. He lifted his head when felt Lewis’ eyes on him. 

The Brit was looking at him in expectation, trying to hide a smile that revealed how curious he was to hear Nico’s first impression. 

"I didn't know you could cook now." Nico commented and he laughed. 

"Yes, I mean, Angela taught me a few things. I needed a distraction after-” He stopped himself, faking a cough. “Uhm and I started trying cooking. I'm not the best at it yet, but she and Seb say I'm getting better." 

"You still close with Sebastian?" Nico flinched at Sebastian’s name.

"Kinda of, he's a great friend." Lewis answered, uninterested. 

"Yeah."

Silent fell over them after that, neither knowing what to say and every attempt of starting a conversation seeming forced and matters that would lead to untouched feelings and regret. 

Nico was distracted, the fork rovering in the pasta, his mother’s voice echoing in his head saying “don’t play with your food” . 

“The food is this good?” Lewis asked with a playful tone that almost got Nico fooled. He was just as nervous as Nico was. 

“Actually the food is awesome,” Nico noted Lewis’ food was just as untouched as his. “But I’m not that hungry, I guess.” 

“Do you want me to make something else? Or order something, maybe pizza?” He suggested, already standing and picking the plates. 

Lewis put the plates in the sink, opened the fridge, searched for something that clearly wasn’t there, even though it was filled with food and closed it. Came back to the sink and started doing the dishes, head down, hands moving fast. 

“Lewis,” He didn’t answer. Nico tried again. “Lewis.” 

Lewis didn’t respond and Nico decided to just watch him from afar, letting him deal with whatever was going through his head. The German counted the minutes in the watch on his wrist, waiting. 

When Lewis was done with the dishes, he dried his hands in a dishcloth and looked outside the window, thinking. 

“Let’s go out.” He said, suddenly, throwing the dishcloth on the counter. 

“What?” Nico asked, confused. 

“I can’t stay here. Let’s go.” 

And so they did. Taking their coats and closing the cabin’s front door, they walked down the snow pathway. The few sunbeams touched Nico’s face, making him feel warm. They walked side by side, arms slightly touching, only speaking when Lewis offered going into a cafe.  

The cafe was near the mountains and there were only a few people, mainly families and couples. A pianist was playing at the entrance and Lewis asked for a table outside. Nico followed him with his mouth shut and empty head. They sat in front of each other without saying a word, lost in the overwhelmingly beautiful view. 

A waitress came back with their order, a black coffee with no sugar for Nico and a tea for Lewis. The driver took a sip of his drink and took a small rock that was part of the decoration in hands. Nico knew he was preparing himself to say something so he waited still in silence. 

“Do you remember that game we used to play when the other was upset?” 

“A rocket for your thoughts? I could never forget.” 

Nico smiled with the memory of two 10 year olds sitting near a racetrack somewhere around Europe. The blonde was still testing words in languages that weren't German and got rock mistaken by rocket, the word that named their little game. 

“A rocket for your thoughts.” 

“What do you wanna know?” 

Lewis looked straight into his eyes, expression blank. 

“Why did you come back?” Lewis offered Nico the rock and Nico took in his hands testing its weight. 

“I don’t know how to do anything else,” Nico laughed. “I mean, I love Formula 1, my life's always been about racing and suddenly it wasn’t anymore, everything was a bit off, I think. Of course, I have the channel and other projects, but it wasn’t enough, you know. I just, I don’t know, wanted to feel like myself again, and I thought that being around the thing I know the most could enlighten me on finding out what to do and on who I am.” 

Nico explained, following the game’s rule to be completely honest and give the better answer they could think of. Of course the rules were Lewis’ idea, he always craved honesty in everyone in every situation. 

“Why didn’t you talk to me?” Nico asked, then passed the rock back to Lewis. 

“I was angry. Angry about what you were doing, about how I didn’t recognize you, how I had no clue of what was going through your mind. We knew each other so well, we knew what the other would do and how would react, and that became a weapon for the mind games and the fights. I was just angry… and sad too, but I didn’t know it back there.”  

“Why did you leave?” Lewis sighed.

“We lost ourselves, Lewis. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I didn’t know you. The only thing that I knew was racing and hurting you. We didn’t talk, we didn’t touch each other and having sex after a fight is not the healthfier way to deal with problems. I put so much effort into winning, in fighting to achieve my childhood dream, that I didn’t realize I lost the thing that I loved the most. I was confused about where we stood, so I had to leave. I know I ran away, but I- I was afraid of what we could become if we kept going on like that. Also, I thought you wanted me to leave, so there was nothing left.”

“Didn’t you think talking to me before leaving was a better idea?” Lewis was holding the rock tightly. 

“You have no idea how many nights I lost thinking about how to reconnect with you. Even before leaving, all I wanted to do was stay, but I didn’t know if you loved me anymore.” 

Lewis looked at Nico with a mix of fury and sadness in his eyes. He didn’t give the rock back to Nico. 

“Did you think that just because you won my feelings for you changed?” 

Nico looked away, staring at a woman's back three tables away from them. 

“I hurt you,” He blinked, trying to keep the tears from falling. “We hurt each other so much. I thought we lost everything. I thought that winning the championship would be the last thing to make you hate me all and for once. And I was angry for thinking that, I was angry with me and with you and with everyone.” 

Lewis sighed, closing his eyes, his hands shaking. He returned the rock to Nico’s hands. 

“Why did you go to my parents house?” Lewis lifted his head as if he had just got a shock. 

“I came looking for you. I was hoping you could still be in Monaco. I guess what I was really hoping was to not have the confirmation that you left because I was a shitty boyfriend, had hurt you and destroyed our relationship. Your mother almost cried when she saw me, you know? They knew how fucked up we were.” 

Nico’s mouth was open in disbelief from what he had heard Lewis saying. He didn’t know what to say, his mind stopped working and he lost his ability of speaking, the five languages he was fluent being useless now. 

“Lewis, I…” 

“You don’t have to say anything.” 

Nico looked away, not certain about his next words. A cold breeze making him shiver, the pure air of the Alps filling his lungs. A little bit of concentration in the world around him and Nico could hear the pianist playing a song very well known by him, Mariage d’Amour. 

“Why did you invite me to this trip, Lewis? Really.”  

“I…” Lewis looked at the ceiling. “I had- I was hoping there was something left of us to fix. It’s stupid, it’s been months, but when I saw you in the paddock I thought the universe was giving us a millionth chance. But yeah, I don’t know. I just wanted to be with you again.” 

Nico wanted to scream. Scream at the universe, at the past, at anything and everything. 

“Look Lewis, I know I hurt you and I’m deeply sorry for that. I don’t expect you to forgive me because believe me when I say I haven’t forgiven me either. I just want to apologize. We said so many mean things to each other, but I know you didn’t mean any of them. I know that now because I didn’t mean them either…” 

"Nic-"

"No, listen, I've been trying to be honest to everyone in my life and I think this is the least I can do to you too. I have nothing to lose. I just want you to know that I'm here and you can do whatever you want about it."

Lewis looked at him with shining eyes, a restrained smile on his face. 

"It's okay now, Nico. I also hurt you and you didn't fight alone, I'm one to blame for that too. We both made mistakes and of course it will take time to overcome all of that, but that's okay. We will figure it out."

The German froze, his brain trying to understand word by word. He tried to speak what he was going to say next the best he could without shutter. 

“So, that means you- do you want to try again? I mean, us. A second time.” 

“I do,” Lewis said, openly smiling. “Do you want to?” 

“I do.” Nico smiled back. 

Chapter Text

For Nico, everything that happened in the last forty minutes seemed very much like a dream. Not one that he had ever thought about, he never let himself fall too deep into his own head to the point of imagining a scenario in which Lewis would be in front of him in Chamonix, of all places. 

But it came down to Nico that it all was in fact the reality once they left the cafe and started heading back to the cabin. The Sun shining shyly in the sky, snow covering the floor and people laughing and eating, a true Christmas movie scene. 

Nico was never the type of person that believed in happy endings, and he wasn’t going to start now, but letting his mind have a distorted interpretation of the world around him, one that was dark and unhappy, wasn’t a possibility right now. Not after everything he, they, went through. 

They walked in silence, side by side, arms brushing and occasionally failing to hide the smiles in their faces. Nico could tell Lewis was happy by the way his eyes seemed kinder and warmer and Nico tried to make sure the same was explicit on his own. 

The first thing they both saw when they arrived in the cabin was Roscoe looking through the glass doors, his little eyes staring at them curiously, his toys all over the carpet, one in particular calling Nico’s attention. 

It was a middle sized dog with a red collar that Lewis got for Nico in one of those teddy bear machines in a playground years ago in Japan. The toy was more Roscoe’s than his so he decided to let Roscoe have it. Nico felt his heart skip a beat at realizing neither Lewis nor Roscoe got rid of it. 

“I’d offer you some tea, but you’d rather wait for the snow to melt and drink it.” Lewis commented, taking his jacket off.

“You’re right. If there’s something that hasn’t changed is how much I dislike tea.” 

“Good to know, then.” Lewis smirked, lighting the fireplace. 

Nico sat on the couch in front of it and Lewis joyed him right after, both staring at the wood burning. Roscoe by their feet. 

"So, what do we do now?" Lewis’ voice came out as a whisper, afraid that a louder tone would break the moment. 

"I have no idea." Nico whispered back. 

"I think maybe we can just sit here for a few minutes?" Lewis suggested, rubbing his hands in his jeans.

"Yeah, that would be cool." 

They were silent again. The atmosphere tense and uneasy, the comfortable feeling from minutes ago leaving as fast as it came. Nico wanted to say something and had the impression Lewis wanted to do the same, but was as unsure as him to bring up some unwanted subject. 

Nico was starting to get nervous and Lewis was looking at every single spot in the wall anxiously. Nico was about to talk about the weather when the Brit suddenly spoke.

"God, this is pathetic. We're so awkward around each other." 

"Yes." 

"We were never like this." 

“Yeah, well, we were never in a situation like this before.” Nico prattled making the other giggle nervously. 

"Can I hug you?" Lewis murmured, like it was a secret and he didn't want anyone else to hear. 

"Please." Nico said, right away. 

Lewis didn't wait any longer, involving Nico in his arms while the German wrapped his own arms around his neck. Lewis could smell Nico's shampoo, the same plants and wet wood smell, just like a forest, something Nico was obsessed with during his teenage years. 

Nico relaxed in Lewis embrace slowly, blaming himself for thinking that was odd. They hadn't done that in a long time. Not even before Nico left. In fact, sadly, Nico didn't remember the last time he and Lewis had hugged. Something strange for couples, even for friends, but back there they were way too distant and indifferent with one another to care about what they were missing. 

Lewis backed off a bit, but still close enough so their noses could touch. Nico looked into Lewis' eyes, feeling warm inside after realizing he was the object of Lewis tenderness, the same he used to see and feel when they were younger. 

Nico’s not sure if it’s something in the air or it’s just his mind playing tricks, but everything around seemed too nostalgic. 

"Can I-" 

"Yes." Nico didn't let Lewis finish the question, already knowing what he was about to say. 

Lewis leaned in again, his right hand in Nico's face, holding it gently, like he could break if held more firmly. Nico let Lewis do what he wanted, trying to give him the same time and patience. 

Then their lips touched for the first time in more than a year. Nico's blood turned into electricity in his veins, his mind exploding like fireworks in the sky on New Year's Eve. He stopped feeling his feet and he was glad Lewis' left arm was around his waist, holding him even though they were seated. 

Nico thought he might cry, feeling Lewis so close, so real by his side. The guy who represented more than half his life, who was so deeply connected to Nico's childhood and all the first times someone could have in their life. The first date, the first kiss, the first time driving an F1 car, the first time skydiving, the first time proving sushi, way before both of them became vegan, everything. 

Nico ended the kiss and it was his time of holding Lewis close, their foreheads and noses touching, Lewis warmth involving him. 

"You good?" Lewis asked. 

"Yes, I just need a moment." 

"Okay." Lewis said, almost inaudible.

Nico concentrated his senses in the world around him, in Lewis breathing, the birds outside, the wood burning in the fireplace and Roscoe snoring by their feet. He hugged Lewis again, the Brit not hesitating a bit in returning it. 

"Thank you." Nico tried to say, his face pressed into Lewis' neck. 

"You never have to thank me for anything." 

Lewis layed down and brought the other with him, the German still with his face pressed against his neck. Nico was staring at a fixed point in the wall, his fingers playing with Lewis’ sweater, his own heart beating too loud in his ears.

“Get out of your head, Nico.” Lewis said and Nico made a noise that was intended to be a laugh, but came out too weak. 

“I’m trying to get better at this. It’s harder than it seems, though.” 

“You're still having panic attacks, aren’t you?” Lewis’ question came out sounding more as an affirmation than as something he didn’t know the answer for. 

“How do you know that?” 

“Seb saw you on your first day back in the paddock. He said you didn’t seem okay.” 

Jesus fucking-

“You and Sebastian still talk about me, I see.” Nico observed, both his face and voice reflecting the coldness he felt about the matter. Don’t, Rosberg.

“He only mentioned that after I said I saw you there,” Lewis said, defensive. “I saw you when I was passing by with Angela. Just commented with Seb about it after.”

“Yeah,” Nico sighed, hand running through the hair falling in his eyes. He needed to get it cut. “I still have those, but I’m in therapy now and It’s helping a lot. I’m not good at controlling it properly yet, but I’m getting better.”

“I’m happy to know that. I’m happy for you, really. I know you had hard times when you were racing and that the last years were tough for you.” 

Hearing Lewis talking like that made Nico smile, it almost seemed as if he was okay with the idea of Nico retiring and all the crazy shit involving the 2016 championship, and even the other two seasons before it. He knew Lewis wasn’t okay with it, but was trying hard to be, or at least to sound like he was, for Nico, and that was just wow.  

“It’s strange when I think about it, you know? It seems like another life.” Nico confessed. 

“I can imagine.” 

Lewis was playing with Nico’s hair and at some moment his fingers slid into Nico’s sweater, revealing the scar in his shoulder. 

“Did it hurt too much?” 

“What? When I fell from heaven?” Nico joked. 

“No,” Lewis laughed. “When you broke your arm.” 

"How do you know I broke my arm?" He asked, looking at Lewis. 

"What?" 

"Don't what me, Hamilton, how do you know that?"

"Someone must've mentioned that or something." Lewis shrugged. Nico didn’t buy it, a thought crossing his mind. 

"You asked Toto to keep an eye on me, didn't you?" 

Lewis stared at him, his other hand stopping caressing Nico’s arm. 

"I mean, it wasn't my intention to spy on you or anything, but Toto kept talking about you here and there so I just used his big mouth to know how you were doing." 

"And he just told you I broke my arm?" Nico exclaimed. 

"Okay. I was in a video call with him and Susie was by his side on her phone with someone. She was talking about you and I just couldn't not listen. So they told me what happened."

Nico smiled, remembering the bouquet of white roses that was on the nightstand when he woke up in hospital the day after the accident in the mountains when he was skiing with two friends. 

"You sent the flowers then." 

"I didn't send you white roses." Lewis said, smiling, not minding hiring the truth. 

"How do you know they were white roses if it wasn't you who sent them?"

"Because they're your favorite." Lewis answered, simply. "Also, how did you know it was me?"

"I just imagined, didn't make sense though. We weren't together and I thought you wouldn't know anything, so I just didn't give it too much thought." 

Lewis hugged Nico tighter, his arms around his waist.

"Thank you." Nico murmured, again.

"For the flowers?" Lewis murmured back.

"For having me back." 

"I will always have you back."

The night came fast and the light from the stars got mixed with the lights inside the cabin. Lewis was cooking again, this time with Nico helping, cutting veggies and watching the pans on the stove. There was music playing, Lewis singing along. Nico didn’t recognize the lyrics, but was comfortable enough with the new sound. 

“Do you still write songs?” Nico asked, setting the table. 

“Uhm… Yeah, sometimes,” Lewis said, mixing the food. “I haven’t composed anything in a while, though. Might try again later.” 

The explanation hanging in the air was felt by both sides. Nico knew by the absence of details that Lewis hasn’t been able to write since they broke up. Not to give him credit for it, but Nico too stopped doing things because he felt blocked, and for Lewis, the artist between them, it for sure was worse. 

“I like your songs, you know, everything you compose is really good.” 

“Thanks,” Lewis smiled, proud. “Most of them were about you and racing, anyway.” 

“Good to know I’m your muse.” 

“Idiot.” Lewis laughed. 

“I always wondered how it might’ve felt for the person loved by Beethoven or Bach to know they were the main object in those guys' minds and having songs being written about them. I’m glad I know now.”

Nico was surprised with his own sense of humor on that particular day, not having experienced such a good and relaxed mood in a long time. Lewis only looked at him, the same smile from hours ago never leaving his face. 

“I always wondered how it was like to love someone like that, I’m glad I know now.” 

Nico was speechless. 

“Dinner's ready.” Lewis announced, not giving him time to form a sentence in response. 

They ate while still talking about Lewis’ music projects, Nico’s YouTube channel and movies both of them had watched and their respective opinions. Nico wasn’t sure if he had smiled that much in the last months the way he did in the last hours. 

-X-

Waking up was always something strange. Most times Nico couldn’t remember the previous day or even what happened in the hours before falling asleep, today wasn’t any different. 

When he opened his eyes and saw Lewis his body froze, but his mind worked quickly to remind him about the day they had, a part of him questioning whether all that had really happened or was just some sort of not funny at all joke. 

Lewis. Trip. Cabin. Cafe. Lewis. Lunch. Dinner. Talk. Lewis. Movie.

Nico listed silently. He remembers everything, of course. He remembers dinner and talking till Lewis suggested watching one movie he was obsessed about and Nico swore he had never heard of. 

It was a nice moment, just sitting and enjoying each other’s presence, just like the old days, back when they didn’t know what was fighting for a championship. Missing Lewis as his boyfriend was hard, but missing his best friend was something beyond imaginable. Nico thought it was interesting how people gave too much attention to the romantic love part than the friendship one and ignored how losing a friend can hurt just as much. 

Nico wasn’t expecting a miracle or a sudden change in his actual mental state after making amends with the person he had no doubt was the love of his life. The thought, of course, crossed his mind though. Having Lewis by his side after so long was something that deep down he wished with everything he had, but he knows that that won’t fix what is inside of him. 

He stopped saying he is broken, saying that there is something wrong with him, and is starting to accept that the things he feels don’t make him weak, but there are, of course, moments in which he feels tired, distant and vulnerable and he has been working on it, and will keep doing it. 

Nico knows that having Lewis again won’t make the dark thoughts and the shadow feelings go away completely from day to night, but at least he’s not alone anymore, he thinks. 

He needs to work on himself while still working on reconstructing their relationship and that’s fine for him. He knows now that he doesn’t have to do it all alone, that he can ask for help and that some people will gladly come and assist him. 

“I can hear your mind working from here.” Lewis babbled, face tucked on the pillow. Nico laughed weakly. “What you’re thinking about?” 

“Nothing important, my mind is just too loud. Sometimes I can’t get a hold on one single thought.” 

“You can talk to me, if you feel like it.” The Brit said, holding his hand. 

“I know, just- don’t want to throw this all at you at this hour of the morning.” 

Lewis’ eyebrows furrowed. He looked at the clock and whispered “just a minute” before getting up and locked himself in the bathroom. Nico just stayed in bed quietly waiting. 

Lewis returned three minutes after, face washed and a look that indicated he was prepared for a seventy laps race. 

“Go on.” He sat on the bed facing Nico. 

“Okay,” Nico mirrored Lewis’ action, sitting with his knees closed to his chest. “I was just thinking about, I don’t know, how’s this going to work when we get back to Monaco.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, uhm, we’re good here, but I don’t know how it’s going to be when we’re back in the real world. I honestly don’t and can’t lose you. I need us to work on our relationship and I want this, like I said before. I just-” 

“You’re worried that we will lose each other again.” Lewis resumed, an understanding expression on his face. He was looking at Nico as if every single thing he might say already made sense to him. 

“Yeah.” 

“Look, I’m afraid too. I don’t want to go back to where we were either, but we’re good together. I missed you so much. I missed coming home to you. Believe me when I say I can’t lose this too, and I don’t want to.” 

“Great.” Nico agreed, searching for Lewis’ hands. “We can, maybe, go slowly then?” 

“I would love that.” Lewis answered, smiling. He put their foreheads together. “You hungry?” 

“Starving.” 

“Okay, I’m gonna make breakfast.” 

Lewis left the room followed by Roscoe. Nico stared at the ceiling, breathing calmly before getting up and going down to the kitchen. 

The Brit was with his back to the door and didn’t notice Nico coming, too concentrated in reading some recipe in his phone. He was shirtless, which gave the German a clear view of the tattoos, his eyes falling down in one in particular. The Cygnus constellations. Nico’s favorite.

"When did you get it?" Lewis turned to the sound of Nico's voice, smiling. 

"What?" 

"The tattoo on your back." Nico explained, and saw a shadow cross Lewis' face. The smiled vacillated

"I forgot about that." He said, moving to get a shirt that Nico didn’t notice was near him. "Sorry you saw it." 

"Why you're saying sorry?" 

"Because-" Lewis sighed. "Like we discussed just now, we need to go slow."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want you to be overwhelmed and I don't want to rush things here." 

Nico got closer to Lewis, searching Lewis' eyes. 

"When did you get it?" Nico asked again.

"Not long after you left." He answered, his eyes staring at the window.

What?

"What?"

"I had the idea of getting a new tattoo when I got back from London, but didn't know what though. When I came home and you weren't there, I decided to get it then." 

"Why?" Nico asked, his right thumb caressing Lewis' face. 

"Because you were the only thing I could think of. A part of me was so angry at you, so stupid angry. I wanted to turn the world apart and find you and scream at you for leaving like that, but the other just wanted you to come back to me. I realized you weren't coming back after the third day, and that's when I decided to get the tattoo. So maybe I could be with you again."

Nico had tears in his eyes and decided to hug Lewis, not one single coherent thought in his mind good enough to express how he was feeling. Lewis relaxed in the embrace. 

“So what are you going to cook?” Nico sniffed. Lewis dried his face with the back of one of his hands, the other one still holding Nico close. He smiled through one tear slipping down his cheek. 

“Pancakes.” 

Hours followed with them chattering, making jokes like teenagers and wetting each other with water while washing the dishes. Nico didn’t want to think about anything else other than being there, in that kitchen with Lewis, his mind giving him a very much needed break. 

“What do you have planned for us today?” Lewis asked. 

“I thought we could go skiing, the day is beautiful outside.” 

“Yes, it really is.” Lewis agreed, his brown eyes never leaving the blue ones. 

Nico returned the look, smiling. He really didn’t want to think about anything else at all.