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Chapter Text

I am yellow 

Beige blood mixed with rainwater

I breathe in the smoke and the starlight

I learn to let go and fall fall fall

I can never go back

I forget forget forget

The ants are crawling under my skin

And it hurts hurts hurts to see them moving

I just want it to end

I'm disgusting

Despair

I am eternal, a mother colony

Generations come and go yet I still lie paralyzed, unable to rest in peace

My body is concrete

My mind is shattered 

My heart is plastic, it will never be touched lest it breaks

Warm and fuzzy and cold and powerless

I am afraid to look deeper 

I'm afraid of what I will find

I'm drowning and falling and buried and floating

I am a comet that will never touch Earth

I'm an asteroid that's burned in the atmosphere 

I am the decaying leaves in the drain

I am

Why why why

I am

I walk for hours until the streets absorb me

I am lost but can't seem to loose myself

I am weightless yet too heavy to move 

Feet burning, pain irrelevant 

Blood is thick and horrible and needed 

Push something in to close the gaps

Need a bigger boat, more tape, there's more pieces

I am and I am and I am

Stale wine made of stale fruits

The flies are circling circling don't want to swallow

It's summer and I cry 

There's a hole in me

Need to say, don't have words

But I am

Feet are touching 

Skin touching fabric, my mind explodes 

Horrible, disgusting, stop

Senses mess up

Am I lying to myself or to you

Make it stop

The noise, the touching, the empty 
grows grows grows

Do I have any blood left or is it all diluted

Wash my mouth 

Hands are tingling 

Where's the end

It's all gone gone gone

I'm too late and I lost

And I am am am

Chapter Text

I have a feeling
but not the words to convey it
and the ones I have
are all stifling
unfit
like a bird in a cage
or a straitjacket

I have words
but they don't fit on the pages
and ones that do fit
I can't see them
I cannot grasp them
like blood out of veins
like water down the drain
they slip away from me

I have two hands
but they don't seem to work right
fingers too wide
broken but painless 
too weak to hold on
or to hit with

I have exhaustion flowing through my every cell
for no reason at all
pointless misery
meaningless suffering
a grief without cause
a ghost in a living body

I am me
I am blood and rainwater
cold and muddy
not to satisfy thirst
but to drown people

Chapter Text

it's a betrayal
nature and nurture colliding
a mistake repeated again and again
until it comes to haunt you.

ignorance doesn't excuse 
inaction;
blooded breadcrumbs 
you stepped on
were molten glass.
enlightenment doesn't 
equal happiness,
does it?

spit on the page
until your mouth is dry dry dry:
spread your seeds
the sickness needs fuel after all.

my coffin is my safe place
(tiny)
so why does it
hurt so much now
to be bound and left to rot?
its only fun in isolation
sun will melt your skin off
if you're seen.

i'd rather bleed
than call wolf;
the pack is eating itself
and the sheep are laughing.

eyes of a predator on the face
of the prey
drip drip acid from your lips
and laugh as we burn 
together, drowning in kerosene.
i am you
i have never been you
i will tear you apart oh so gently.

is it bad that i
don't feel guilt anymore?
a careless confession:
i don't know if i ever did.

Chapter Text

my skin defines me
a gift of love,
unprompted,
unwelcome,
i never asked for it
but i can't take it off

mind's eye is blind
in the darkness
of a life
spent selfishly.
a secret flaw
so painfully obvious

grass is growing on my skin
not the soft kind
but the poison
i breathe it in
so i don't have to taste
the venom you spit

unintentional harm
who's to blame
in a world
where a law
is kept unspoken,
everyone is a criminal

i am not the apple
of your eye,
but the twig,
crooked and ugly
stop looking for fruit
i have none

Chapter Text

does it ever start feeling real?
does the taste of ash and caramel ever go away?
it's not a bad thing
not a sad thing
it's not a happy thing either, but the truth goes either way
I am a person, I am a feeling, unspoken still

I touch the walls, and it's so painfully pleasant
should I keep crying? do I even have the right?
the hunger never stops,
but the thirst did stop
so should I keep hitting the bars just out of spite?
there's no one to hurt or blame or accuse of treason

its a novelty, to be able to breathe almost easily
am I simply unhappy because I'm stuck in my ways?
Is it a temporary relief?
Is it a wistful what if?
I long to wake up and to keep sleeping my life away
at this point finding any kind of meaning is not feasible

I am many things, but honest is not one of them
I cry of pain I've become too numb to recognise
I scream in the mirror
I laugh at the mirror
Is it foolish to wish it hurt more, when there's no prize?
Is it fear, or envy that takes me high? what a shame

It's the price of being human, is what I think
they are all just as broken and fake as me
pointlessness is the point
what else could be the point?
am I shattered enough for you to like what you see?
I am a shadow of an idea, so please just don't blink

Chapter Text

the empty claws at my ribs
eating its way out through my abdomen
it's a void too full,
and only breaking the shell seems to make it stronger
but it's a dangerous paradox
and I shouldn't

I thought I escaped
it's hard to be something you're not
is it technically whole
If you pull the pieces close enough to each other?
nobody tried to catch the lie
so why bother

the threads pull pull pull
and i'm so cold
hurts too little
it's the mildest form of pleasure I allow myself
if I tell myself I like it
will I?

the sweetest escape
for a barely tortured mind
the rest becons
but I do not fit the margin to follow (yet)
all that brilliant light, and I
don't want it

Chapter Text

my plastic skin
it weeps now
and deep within
I wish I could rip it out

I cannot breathe
I hear it so loud
it tries to leave
I wish I could let it out

I'm not myself
but lying's allowed
this phantom pain
I wish I could scream it out

it never ends
and it looks so proud
this horrid face
I wish I could cut it out

can't let them know
it's always around
don't let it show
I wish I could block it out

one step behind
in the ground
right in the sight
I wish I could bleed it out

a rusty sweetness 
chocking
just make it stop
my only witness
knocking
until I drop

a human papercut, on fire I walk

good talk

Chapter Text

stab the straw in, cut the excess
scrub it clean of guts and meat
feel my head spin on the axis
brain is leaking, throat is slit

fleshy scarecrow on your heartsrings
who deserves to be forgiven?
time's ran out, so here's your answers
lying easy as i'm breathing

who's to say which one was asking
tie me to the cross and leave it
I just never bothered masking
you just always tried believing

I grew tired, you grew thirsty
come on in, can't stop you really
let it pass, just usual thursday
it gets better, i'm just silly

cut and slice and drink till choking
hope you're happy, hope I'm sorry
let's just say we both were joking
and continue with the story