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Into the void of A Galaxy Far Far Away, Fun/Humour/Crack in a Galaxy Far Far Away, Late Night Reads For Restless Spirits, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Evidence of My Time Consuming Side Hobby, Fox in the Foxhouse, Social Media Fics, Chatfics Galore, 🌑 𝑫𝒂𝒓𝒌 𝑴𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 🌑, the clones deserve the world, Llyann's favourite fics, Llyann's favourite star wars fics, STAR WARS fics that bring me the force
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Published:
2022-01-10
Completed:
2022-01-17
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3,152
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2/2
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237
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Galaxy-Saving Memes

Summary:

You can only access the page if you're GAR. The Coruscant Guard decides to infiltrate it because they are tired of being ignored, and honestly? Their memes are way better.

Or, the Guard saves millions of lives through stupid internet posts.

Notes:

(slaps fic) this baby can fit so much trauma in it

Spread the laughter, that's the goal of this fic. Canon hurts and I took that personally. This is dedicated to all the amazing writers of Corrie Guard Angst. Y'all are so valid and talented <3

Note on the text: if you see a link, it's because the post is inspired by a meme. The link will take you to it. Also I made up a CC number for Thorn since I couldn't find one.

(See the end of the work for more notes and other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter 1: The Memes

Chapter Text

"OFFICIAL" GAR PAGE
>>Password: *************
>>Password Accepted

Chat

ct-6969: you thought you could escape us?
ct-6969: btw yes this is my actual number. We also have ct-0420. Check the roster fuckers
ct-0420: lol hey guys we're taking over your page
ct-4451: who the fuck let these guys in
ct-6969: >:) buckle up chucklenuts

Photo Post by ct-0420
 Title: Nice

[Image ID: a Coruscant Guard giving a thumbs-up at the camera. The caption reads in simple white text: When your number is 6969 and you've just worked a 69 hour shift]

               Comments:
                      cc-2725: lmao i'm going on 75 you guys are Weak
                      (Several people are typing...)

Video Post by ct-6969
 Title: Shiny Orientation

[Video description: CC-2725, also known as Commander Thorn, is walking up and down a line of nervous shinies with his hands behind his back.

"Rule 1: keep silent at all times unless it's 'yes, sir.'  If the Senate finds out we have opinions, they're going to tell the Chancellor!"

One of the shinies raises his hand.

"Yes, trooper?"

"I don't have a good opinion about that rule."

A pause.

Thorn smacks the trooper upside the head. The camera shakes as the trooper filming snickers.

"Rule 2!"]

               Comments:
                      cc-1004: uh are you guys okay?
                               Replies:
                                      ct-6969: lol
                                      ct-0420: lol
                                      ct-3833: lol
                                      ct-1011: lol
                                           (see more)

Video Post by cc-4477
 Title: Pro-tip for Shinies

[Video description: CC-4477, also known as Commander Thire, pointing to a datapad in his hands that reads "Top 5 Places to Sleep in the Guard for Your One Hour," overlayed with cheerful elevator music commonly heard in the Senate Dome. This is followed by the following slideshow:

Photo 1: a trooper's boots hanging out of a vent

Photo 2: a trooper crunched under a desk. Another trooper's legs, presumably a commander by their kama, are keeping them propped up with his foot.

Another photo labeled "Follow Up" at the top, showing two troopers sitting back to back under a wider desk, legs spread out. The bottom text reads, "If Hazard likes you, you can use his desk."

Photo 3: a large metal cabinet and a container beside it both contain troopers crammed inside. The one in the container has his legs, arms and head hanging out the sides. The medical cots and instruments in the background suggests this is Medbay.

Photo 4 is actually a short video. It shows a statue of the Chancellor in Guard HQ. The cameraman walks around to show a trooper slumped behind it, arms crossed over his rifle and helmeted chin against his breastplate.

Photo 5 shows a trooper face-down on a run-down red couch. The caption reads, "Fox's couch is ONLY to be used if he has no meetings! This is NOT a go-to. But it is comfy :)"]

               Comments:
                      cc-5052: what about idk your bunk???
                      ct-3833: lmao get a load of this guy
                      cc-1010: Weak

Private Chat: The Best Commanders + Baby

Bly: hey Fox what does the "one hour" mean?

Fox: the rest hour? What else would it be

Wolffe: like rec time?

Fox: if the troopers want. Everybody usually uses it for sleep.

Wolffe: what about actual sleep schedules you dumbass

Fox: the four hours are separate

Bly: the

Bly: what

Fox: nice to see you all by the way. Really good to know it took a dumb video for a check-in.

(Fox is Offline)

Gree: wtf

Video Post by cc-4477
Title: The Hypocrisy in These Barracks

[Video description: Commander Fox walking down a hallway. Slung over his shoulder is Commander Thorn. A caption appears, reading, "You're working 75 hours and the Commander takes that personally"

When he sees the camera, Thorn throws a peace sign. "Look at this hypocrite," he says.

Fox jostles him violently. The video cuts on Thorn's yelp.]

               Comments:
                      cc-3636: this is fake there's no such thing as a 75 hour shift for Corries
                      cc-4477: you guys are hilarious
                                      (1224 replies)

Video Post by cc-2725
Title: How to Get Your Commander to Sleep

[Video description: A hallway, beside a door. A plaque on the side reads CC-1010/Marshal Commander. CT-3833, Smiles, is holding up a finger in front of the camera, saying, "Trick question! You don't!"

Commander Thorn steps into frame, also holding up a finger. "Trick-trick question. Plan T."

Smiles' helmet swivels to him. "Plan T?"

CUT TO: Three troopers T-posing around Fox's desk. They are chanting, "Go to sleep! Go to sleep!"

Fox has his head in his hands.]

               Comments:
                      cc-2224: taking notes for my general
                      cc-2725: don't worry it's foolproof
                      cc-1010: let me die
                      cc-4477: it's cute that you think dying will get you out of these barracks
                      ct-3833: sir what you want is actually called a "nap"
                             (User ct-3833 has been suspended for 2 hours)
                      cc-3636: lmao

Video Post by ct-6969
 Title: What does the Guard do Better than the GAR?

[Video description: an unknown room with art on the walls. It consists of flourishing designs like ocean waves and blooming spheres, done in Corrie red and white paint.

"Hey Smiles!" calls the cameraman.

Two troopers look to the camera. One of them, CT-3833 or Smiles, waves, the other stock still.

"What does the Guard do better than the GAR?" the cameraman asks.

"Easy," Smiles replies, "Jokes."

CUT TO: a corridor with Guardsmen passing by, some on datapads, others striding with purpose, presumably to their posts.

"Commander!"

CC-2725 stops to look at the camera.

"What does the Guard do better than the GAR?"

"Communication," Thorn replies without hesitation.

CUT TO: an office occupied by CC-1010. He's gone gray at the temples and the bags under his eyes are designer. He is bracketed by towers of datapads on his desk.

"Commander! What does the Guard do better than the GAR?"

Fox looks up. His glare is scathing. "Are you dying?" he snaps.

"Uh, no sir?"

"Is someone coming back from a B2?"

"No sir."

"Is the building on fire?"

"...no sir."

"Is the Senate building on fire?"

"No sir."

"Out."]

               Comments (380221)
                      (see more)

Private Chat: The Best Commanders + Baby

Rex: damn Fox lighten up

Rex: also that video is lies and slander

Wolffe: lol

Fox: keep telling yourself that

Bly: what's with all the datapads??

Fox: I am collecting them. I am a dragon and this is my hoard.

Fox: it's my work you dumbfuck. I'm a Marshal Commander.

Cody: I am a Marshal Commander and even I don't have that many pads.

Fox: another thing the Guard does better 

Video Post by ct-7567
 Title: Things the GAR does Better

[Video description: the Bridge of a starship. CT-7567, also known as Rex, is grinning. Behind him is none other than General Skywalker.

"General!" Rex says.

Skywalker looks up. When he sees the camera he smirks. "Yeah?"

"What does the GAR do better than the Guard?"

Skywalker pretends to think, humming loudly and stroking his chin. Those who have worked with his former Master think the impression is hilarious.

"Well, you shoot better," he says.

The video cuts on Bridge-wide laughter.]

Private Chat: The Best Commanders + Baby

Fox: you brought

Fox: a General

Fox: to the page?

Rex: uh yeah? he's prime content material

Fox: has he seen our posts?

Cody: why would it matter?

Fox: ?????

Fox: they're GENERALS

Cody: yeah and they can be funny. But no, they don't actually look at the page. They just know it exists.

Fox: okay

Ponds: you should bring a Jedi into your stuff too! the men love it

Bly: it's also effective for when a million vode scream about putting on armor. Aayla actually considered it for two seconds.

Wolffe: lol Aayla

Bly: fuck off

Wolffe: simp

Gree: simp

Rex: simp

Cody: simp

Ponds: simp

Fox: we don't have a Jedi dumbass

Fox: simp

Photo Post by ct-0420
 Title: Bro what if I was your bed, bro?

[Photo ID: a Guardsmen is sitting in the lap of another, both in full armor. The bottom one has his arms wrapped around his fellow's waist, keeping the slumped form from sliding off. They are both clearly in a conference room in the middle of a meeting. None of the other Guards are paying attention to them.]

             Comments:
                    cc-3636: mood
                    ct-5555: fuckin been there
                    cc-2725: see? we have something in common
                    cc-1010: how dare you be nice in this comment section

Video Post by ct-5555
Title: One Night at 79's

[Video description: Captain Rex has CT-6922, also known as Dogma, slung in a fireman's carry. Fives is behind them. He grins deviously at the camera.

Suddenly, Fives belts, "Kandosii sa kar'ta, Vode An!"

Dogma slurs, "C'rscantaaaa...a'd'n mhiii..."

"Fuck off," Rex mutters.]

             Comments:
                    ct-6922: fuck
                    ct-3833: wtf when were you on coruscant?!
                    ct-5555: bro you guys literally never go out
                    cc-3636: hey Corries you got any drunk stories? Would pay for that
                    cc-5052: we don't even get paid
                           (3 mill replies [they all say "lol"])

Video Post by cc-4477
Title: Uh It's a Story?

[Video description: Commander Thire can barely be seen in the dark room. He seems to be lying down.

"We can't get drunk 'cause of our jobs," he says, "but we do have post-recon stories? That's similar."

"No it's not, Thire, what the fuck," Thorn's voice gripes.

"It's close enough! We've got some funny ones. Stone's is the funniest shit I've ever seen."

"Fuck you," Commander Stone's voice slurs, "'m sleepin'."

"Don't worry, I'll tell it. So," Thire says, "Stone's been back for about two months. Hasn't said a word, but we've kept up physical contact and stuff, you know. Then one night, we're in a cuddle pile, right? Suddenly..." Thire's starts laughing, "out of nowhere, he looks me in the eye and says," flattening his voice, "This is disgusting. And goes right back to sleep!"

Thorn snorts.

"I've got a better one," Fox's voice says.

"Do tell, Fox!" Thire says.

The camera turns. A silhouette is moving between two bunk beds. The clicks give the impression he's removing his armor.

"Thorn."

"Oh, no," Thorn groans.

"Thorn," Thire cries, "Absolutely!"

Fox cracks his neck. The sound is obscene. "Thorn hadn't been gone more than a couple weeks. Wasn't a deep recon. This was about three weeks after he came back. He and I are walking down the hallway, and Thire comes into view."

"Stop," Thorn pleads. His voice is muffled, probably into his pillow.

"Thorn suddenly stops. He's staring at Thire. Thire stops too. Then Thorn just walks up to him and smooshes his cheek like Hound with Grizzer."

Thorn makes a noise like he's dying. Thire and Stone are laughing.

"He gives him two little pats." Fox's shadow demonstrates, pat-patting the air. "Then walks away like nothing happened. That is the funniest shit I've ever seen."

"I'm going back to Kamino," Thorn declares, "I need another wipe."

Fox kicks him.]

             Comments:
                    ct-5555: UM???
                    cc-5052: please tell me recon doesn't mean reconditioning
                    cc-4477: no we're just going to Kamino for some caf
                    cc-2725: lol
                           (see more)

Private Chat: The Best Commanders + Baby

Cody: Fox

Wolffe: Fox

Bly: Fox

Rex: Fox

Gree: Fox

Ponds: FOX

Fox: What the fuck do you want

Cody: how long has this been going on?

Fox: you're going to have to be way more specific.

Wolffe: THE RECONDITIONINGS FOX

Fox: oh

(Fox is typing...)

[Pause]

(Fox is typing...)

[Pause]

(Fox is typing...)

[Pause]

Fox: Sometimes the Guard is deemed unfit for duty and in need of reconditioning and reeducation. These orders are given by our superiors.

Cody: What

Bly: the

Wolffe: f u c k

Fox: I have rules for my men. We stay in top form, as is required. But

(Fox is typing...)

[Pause]

Fox: Not all Senators like us.

Bly: I hate this. What the hell. Have you ever been reconditioned?

Fox: No.

Gree: thank the Force

Rex: this is bullshit. You know this isn't normal right?

Fox: We've got procedures in place, calm down.

Ponds: I am literally the opposite of calm. This is NOT NORMAL

Wolffe: also not funny

Fox: you just have no sense of humor

Bly: FOX NO

Fox: Well if that's all I've got work

Wolffe: get your ass back here you bastard

(Fox is Offline)

Cody: I'm not due to head to Coruscant for a while.

Wolffe: I'll be there soon. I got this vode

Video Post by ct-6969
 Title: Another Thing We're Better At, Fronties :p

[Video description: the painted room is back, with a Guardsmen facing the camera. Another two are behind him.

"Smiles!" the trooper, CT-6969, or Hem, says.

"Yeah?"

"Scar check!"

The trooper right over the Hem's shoulder removes his helmet. Scars curve up from either side of his lips, giving him a permanent smile. His grin makes them all the more unsettling.

"Ayyy!" Hem crows.

"Ayyy!" Smiles replies.

"Glass! Scar check!"

The trooper next to Smiles slides up to stand next to the Hem. He removes his helmet as well. His right eye is surrounded by red. He leans close to tap on it. It seems to be made of glass.

"No anesthesia, cowards," he says.

"That's nothing," a new voice says.

"Commander!" Hem cries excitedly.

The camera blurs until it is facing Thire, who's removing his helmet. The left half of his face is ruined red, almost matching his uniform.

Behind him, the door slides open for another trooper, CT-0420. He perks up, saying, "Oh, we doing a scar check?"

He removes his vambrace and pulls up his sleeve, revealing burn scars. "I've got 'em on my shoulder and back too. Unfortunately I got my name Blaze from this, not the meme. I'm a disappointment for Hem."

Behind the camera, Hem cries, "Disappointment!"

"Weak," a voice says.

The camera swings to Fox's haggard face where he stands in the corner. He holds his helmet in one hand, the other a steaming mug. He's smirking.

CUT TO: Fox has his breastplate off and is pulling up his blacks, revealing a frightfully large, undulating scar. It branches across his torso.

"Electrowhip, fuckers," he says.

"Damn it!" Hem shouts.

"Overachiever!" Thire declares.

"They aren't paying us enough," Smiles says with a sigh.

The video cuts on raucous laughter.]

             Comments:
                    cc-2224: THOSE ARE NOT ELECTROWHIP BURNS OPEN YOUR CHAT RIGHT NOW
                            (see all 3105375 replies)

Private Chat: The Best Commanders + Baby

Wolffe: FOX THOSE ARE LIGHTNING

Fox: uh yeah electricity lol

Cody: Fox you don't understand

Cody: That is Sith lightning

Fox: ya okay lol

Fox: way to flex, fronties

Bly: THIS IS NOT A FLEX

Wolffe: I AM COMING OVER THERE AND I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS

Fox: oh no i'm so scared

Ponds: Fox omfg we are NOT JOKING

Fox: I work the cushy job assholes I am literally as far away from the war as you can get

Fox: fuck off

(Fox is Offline)

Gree: I'm gonna kill him

Cody: not yet

Chapter 2: Playing Catch

Summary:

Fox: I was in medbay
Fox: for an HOUR
Fox: AND YOU LIVESTREAM THE DEATH OF THE CHANCELLOR

Notes:

literally the only reason this is updated later than intended was because I was too busy playing with my eldritch corries. But now I'm taking a short break from that sooooo

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Private Chat
 The Best Commanders + Baby

Fox: I was in medbay

Fox: for an HOUR

Fox: AND YOU LIVESTREAM THE DEATH OF THE CHANCELLOR

Wolffe: my best work if I do say so myself

Bly: I love when General Plo Koon said fuck you

Cody: he didn't say fuck you

Wolffe: oh he did you just don't understand his gestures

Rex: and Bly does?

Bly: he likes me :)

Wolffe: his simping ways are so pathetic my general has taken pity on him

Bly: HEY

Fox: THIS IS NOT THE POINT

Fox: LIVESTREAM

Fox: DEATH OF CHANCELLOR

Wolffe: sorry you couldn't be there :/

Wolffe: you just had too many lightning burns :/

Wolffe: and malnourishment :/

Wolffe: and missing memories :/

Ponds: :/

Cody: :/

Rex: :/

Gree: :/

Bly: :/

Fox: i hate all of you

Fox: i wanted to eat him

Cody: okay Wolffe

Fox: General Che is breaking out the good drugs but im gonna fucking destroy you

Cody: uh-huh

Wolffe: have a good nap dumb bitch

Photo Post by ct-6969
 Title: XD

[Image ID: 6969 crouching over the body of Chancellor Palpatine with General Plo Koon. Both are throwing peace signs, with Plo Koon's arm around 6969. The caption reads, "These Jedi are actually pretty cool?"]

               Comments:
                      ct-7567: ofc they are why do you doubt us
                      ct-0420: do you want an alphabetical or chronological list
                      cc-4477: LMAO
                      cc-5052: you know what?
                      cc-5052: fair
                                (see more)

Video Post by ct-0420
 Title: ?????

[Video description: ct-0420 incredibly close to the camera, whispering, "Vode, I don't know what's happening. The Jedi are everywhere in our barracks and they're, like, asking weird questions? Stuff that's public knowledge, I mean! Anyone in the GAR can see our work schedules and shit, but they're still talking about it? What do I do? I'm too pretty for recon!"]

               Comments:
                      ct-3833: we all have the same face but ur still ugly
                      cc-3636: it's called being cared about
                      cc-2725: @cc-3636 lies and slander
                                 (see all 103845 comments)

Photo Post by cc-2725
Title: Update

[Image ID: Commander Fox sleeping in a calm, earth-toned room. In the foreground, 2725 is smiling with a twi'lek woman in Jedi robes. The caption reads, "This being has made the Commander sleep more than four hours for the first time in three years where have these Jedi been hiding"]

               Comments:
                      cc-2224: an excellent question
                      cc-5052: aayla would like to extend her apologies
                      cc-2725: aayla???
                      cc-5052: OH FUCK
                             (see all 290357 comments [they all say "simp"])

Video Post by cc-3636
 Title: Message From My General

[Video description: General Plo Koon standing in an empty Council chamber, hands clasped before him.

"Hello," he says kindly, "I would like to extend an offer to the Coruscant Guard, as well as any other of their brothers in the GAR. I am in the process of adopting my pack. Please leave your acceptance in the comments, should you wish to. A pleasant day to you, my sons."]

               Comments:
                      ct-6969: @cc-2725 permission to cry in the lobby sir
                      cc-2725: have a breakdown in a closet like the rest of us
                      ct-1011: CAN I PLAY CATCH WITH HIM
                      cc-3636: @ct-1011 he says anytime
                      cc-1010: why is everyone suddenly trying to steal my men
                      cc-3636: @cc-1010 my general would like to tell you that you're his primary target Fox

Photo Post by ct-6969
 Title: HE IS SO GOOD AT PLAYING CATCH WOW

[Image ID: what seems to be the entire Coruscant Guard, minus Commander Fox, crowded in a training salle. In the center is General Plo Koon. The caption reads, "Corrie Jedi"]

               Comments:
                      cc-3636: my Jedi first bitch

Private Chat
 The Best Commanders + Baby

Wolffe: Fox

Wolffe: Fox why don't you call my general Buir

Cody: Fox respect your buir

Rex: Fox what the fuck

Fox: I hate all of you

Fox: we get actual food and sleep schedules and leave is this what you've been doing this whole time

Bly: we TOLD you your shit wasn't normal

Fox: shut up I'm going to play catch

Gree: l o l

Bly: I love happy endings

Cody: yeah I bet you do simp

Photo Post by cc-5052
Title: you guys are just jealous

[Image ID: General Secura kissing Bly's grinning cheek]

               Comments:
                      ([they all say "simp"])

Notes:

is this the ending you expected? Probably not. I do apologize if the quality wasn't what you wanted, but I still had fun :)

Notes:

btw the password for the "Official" GAR Page is f#ckth3S3ppi3$

OCs:
CT-3833: Smiles
CT-1011: Glass
CT-0420: Blaze
CT-6969: Hem
Hazard mans the front desk. He is CT-9963. He was inspired by Blockade from the Soft Wars series

Works inspired by this one:

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