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Author's note: This story is the result of watching The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. Thranduil’s opinion of mortals is so similar to Loki’s in The Dark World, I wondered what would have if the two ever met?

The tale begins at the end of the Battle of the Five Armies for the Hobbit characters, and in the middle of Thor: The Dark World for the Marvel characters. What happens from those points is purely my crazy imagination!

Chapter 1: Black & White

Loki’s eyes fluttered as he awoke. He sat up, looking down at his belly. There was no sign of any wound. He considered that for a moment. The last thing he remembered was lying in his brother’s arms - dying. “Must be one of the advantages of being dead, I suppose,” he muttered to himself, dismissing the issue.

He looked around, taking in his surroundings. Green hills with mountains in the background met his gaze. A large lake was nestled at the base of the closest mountain. He was sitting in the midst of an open meadow with a forest off to his right. “Well, if this is Hel, I guess I cannot complain.”

A bird chirped in response. He chuckled at the sound. “There are even birds in Hel. Might not be so bad after all… now, where is Kurse? I did promise to meet him here.” He rose and looked around. “May as well head there,” he said as he walked towards the lake. Using the trees as his baseline, he continued walking for two hours before reaching the lake.

As he reached the shoreline, he saw the bodies. A battle had happened, and from the look of it, it had been fairly recently as blood was still pouring from the wound of one of the bodies. Loki walked towards one of the fallen and knelt down to inspect it. Rolling it over, he stared into a hideous face, but one of a creature he did not recognize.

“What realm are you from?” he muttered, not expecting the body to answer.

“More precisely, where are you from?” A voice from behind him asked.

Loki shifted from his position on the ground so he could see who was talking. A tall man stood there, wearing silver armor and carrying a rather large sword. A silver circlet rested upon his brow, and long white-blond hair flowed down his shoulders, parting only to expose his pointed ears. Steely blue eyes were trained on him. “Who are you?”

“I believe I asked the first question,” the man replied quietly.

Loki considered the reply, then nodded. “Fair enough. I am Loki of Asgard. I thought I was going to wake up in Hel, but if this is Hel…”

“This is Middle Earth, Loki of Asgard.” the man cut him off abruptly. “I have not heard of Asgard before.”

“And I have not heard of Middle Earth before, so it appears we are even,” Loki said, rising from the ground. “And your name?”

“Thranduil, King of the Woodland Realm.”

“Woodland Realm?” Loki shook his head. “That is not one of the Nine Realms. So who are you really?”

Thranduil did not reply, just stared at him.

“Thranduil, eh? A resident of the Woodland Realm? Does that make you a Woodlander then?” Loki asked.

“I am an elf,” Thranduil replied. “What are you?”

“Elf?” Loki’s eyes narrowed. “A dark elf?” He did not like dark elves right now, or anytime really, considering it was Kurse that had killed him.

“Galadriel might agree, but no. I am Sindarin,” Thranduil explained.

“And this is not Hel I am guessing,” Loki said. “Am I not dead then? Did I manage to outwit it once again?”

“No, this is not Hel. We are outside the ruins of Esgaroth, or as Men call it - Lake Town. If you wish to call it Hel, it might fit… considering what Smaug did to it.” Thranduil pointed towards a spot where it appeared a town had once been out in the lake. Smoke still rose from several of the buildings. “And you appear to be very much alive. I can test that fact if you wish…” Thranduil raised his sword.

“No, that is not necessary. So, I am not dead. Interesting. I seem to be good at avoiding death.” Loki looked once more at his belly.

“Why did you ask if I were a dark elf? Clearly you are familiar with elves, yet you seem not to know where you are,” Thranduil asked.

“I was fighting one, helping my brother save the world. He’s good at that, my brother, that is,” Loki replied.

“And he killed you?” Thranduil asked.

“No, my brother did not kill me. Kurse did, after I stabbed him with my dagger,” Loki’s hand dropped to where his weapon usually rested. He was surprised to find the dagger in place. He pulled it out, staring at it. No blood stained it. “Interesting.”

Thranduil stared at the small dagger. “You will need a bigger weapon than that.”

“I will not disagree with you on that count. I wish I had my staff…” Loki’s voice trailed off as a section of the ground in front of him shimmered then materialized into the scepter he had carried on Earth when he had attacked it. His helmet appeared next to it. “Interesting.” He reached down and picked them up. “This might come in handy. Now… you were saying?”

Thranduil opened his mouth to reply, when three orcs burst out of the forest charging towards them. He turned to face their attackers. “YRCH!”

A burst of light exploded from the end of Loki’s scepter, killing the orcs instantly.

Thranduil stared at him. “Are you one of the Istari? I thought there were only five.”

“Istari?” Loki stepped past the elven king to look at the bodies of the orcs. “What are these? They are as ugly as Kurse.”

“This Kurse, he was an orc?” Thranduil asked.

“Dark elf,” Loki answered.

“Interesting, as it is said that orcs are a mockery of elves, some even say that they are descendants of Quendi who were captured by Melkor. Perhaps your dark elves are related to orcs. They are evil, correct?” Thranduil asked.

“Oh, yes. They are evil. Malekith is the worst of them. My brother was trying to destroy him and save the Universe. A regular day in the life of Thor,” Loki replied.

“Thor?”

“My brother, or half-brother really.”

A figure appeared out of the forest. “My lord? We feared we had lost you. There is still a party of orcs loose…”

“They are dead.” Thranduil pointed to the bodies.

As the person approached, Loki noticed that it was a female. Like Thranduil, she had pointed ears, but her garb was a drab green, and her hair was red. “One of yours, I take it.”

“Tauriel, one of the guards of Mirkwood.”

“Who is this?” Tauriel asked.

Thranduil glared at her.

“I am sorry, my lord. I ought not to have asked,” Tauriel bent her head.

“He is Loki of Asgard, an Istari,” Thranduil finally stated.

Tauriel’s head jerked up to stare at Loki. “Istari? There are more than five?”

“So it would seem.” Thranduil smiled. “And this one is ours.”

“Wait, I am not…”

Before Loki could finish his sentence, a shimmering effect surrounded them. The rainbow colors of the Bifrost appeared. As Bifrost receded, the Lady Sif was standing with her back to them.

“Well… well… well… Lady Sif. How nice of you to join us,” Loki chuckled.

Sif whirled around, raising her sword. “Loki!”

“In the flesh!” Loki grinned at her.

“Where is Thor? You better not have killed him or I will…”

“Kill me? Don’t worry, Kurse already managed to do that. Or not, as it appears I am still alive.”

“Where am I?” Sif asked, staring warily at Thranduil and Tauriel.

“Middle Earth.”

Author's notes: I hope you enjoyed the start of this tale. If you are a Loki fan like me, I have written several one-shots and a series of six (so far) chaptered stories. The series is called the Infinity Series and begins with Alliance. The other stories in the series include Exile, Retribution, Redemption, Mayhem and the current one I am working on is Deception. As I mentioned, there are a number of one-shots all related to the Infinity stories.

In terms of this tale, please, do not expect any pairings or romance. It is a humorous adventure. And remember, it is my story.

In regards to Tauriel, I did not like the part/purpose of Tauriel in the movies, but I did like the character - a woodland elf, a chance to see the real elves of Mirkwood (Legolas and Thranduil are Sindarin). So, she became a part of this story.

Please take the time to let me know what you think about the stories that you read. I enjoy hearing from my readers and any ideas, suggestions, critiques are more than welcome!

As I always remind my readers, it is "my" story, so I write it my way. You might write it differently, but then it is "your" story. That is what fan fiction is - A person's interpretation of events based on characters from movies/TV shows/books/etc. I always appreciate comments, but try to remember that little bit. I have no intentions of making this fit what happens in LOTR, or might happen in Thor 3, or Avengers: Age of Ultron. It's just my silly story.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: An orc is an orc, of course, of course!

“Middle Earth? Where is Middle Earth? Is it part of Midgard… like, Mid Earth?” Sif asked.

Loki nodded. “I wonder…” He looked over at Thranduil and Tauriel. “Is it? Is this Earth, a middle part of it perhaps?”

“I have never heard it called simply Earth before,” Thranduil replied, staring at Sif. “Who is this? Your wife?”

Sif’s eyes widened. “Wife?” she spluttered. “There is no way I would ever marry this… this…”

“Ah, so not your wife. I take it she dislikes you?” Thranduil asked as Sif continued to stutter as she tried to find words to describe her feelings in regards to marriage to Loki.

Loki threw back his head and laughed. “You might say so. She has threatened to kill me on several occasions.”

“So did my wife,” Thranduil replied. “Yet, I still married her.”

“Well, I have no intentions of marrying that one. That is the Lady Sif, one of my brother’s closest friends.” Loki performed the introduction with a flourish in Sif’s direction. She glared back at him. “And as you can clearly observe, she totally adores me.”

“Loki, I do not know how you got me here, but send me back this instant!” Sif stomped up to the god. “And I do not adore you!”

Loki struggled to hold back a laugh. “Why? It seems to be rather an agreeable place… except for the orcs.”

“Orcs? What are orcs?” Sif asked.

Loki pointed to the bodies of the orcs he had just killed. “Those are orcs. Recognize them?”

Sif moved closer to look at them. “Ugly, aren’t they? They almost make you look good, Loki.”

It was Loki’s turn to glare at Sif.

“Are all the women of Asgard so feisty?” Thranduil asked.

“Fortunately, no. Just this one.”

“Loki, I demand that you send me back this instant! If you have harmed Thor, I will kill you!” Sif snapped.

“See, I told you she has threatened to kill me,” Loki grinned, then replied to Sif. “Thor was fine when I last saw him. I was the one dying at the time.”

“Dying? Really? You certainly look rather healthy,” Sif glared at him.

Loki grinned back at her. “I know, disgusting, isn’t it? And you look quite ravishing today, Sif. Did I ever tell you how often I thought that?”

Sif winced. “Just… just… shut up. Are you sure you did not harm Thor?”

Loki sighed. “Our plan did not work as intended. I can only assume he is still alive. I did manage to kill Kurse, but Malekith was able to get the Aether in the end unless Thor figured out a way to stop him after I died… or did not die,” he paused, then added with a smirk, “and Jane Foster was very much alive as well when I left them.”

Sif frowned at him, clearly disliking the latter part of Loki’s explanation. Thranduil noted the expression with interest.

“Well, if you two have finished with your mutual admiration session, I would highly suggest we move out of the open. There are bound to be more orcs still wandering around,” Tauriel finally spoke up, having watched the two Asgardians argue with amusement.

“Tauriel is correct. There are still small bands of orcs moving about since the battle,” Thranduil added. “Follow me back to my camp at Dale.” He glanced at both Asgardians, noting that Sif carried a sword. Bending down, he picked one off of a large man who had fallen during the battle. He extended it towards Loki. “Here, even with your magic, you might find this useful.”

Loki accepted it. “Thank you, although I will admit it is not my weapon of choice.”

Sif smirked. “See, you ought to have spent less time in the library and more on the training field.”

“Indeed? I seem to have faired quite well so far in our many battles despite my lack of time spent training,” Loki replied.

They walked swiftly along the lake heading for the town Thranduil had mentioned. As they reached a place where the forest crept up to the waters edge, a small band of orcs emerged. The instant they saw the tiny party of four, they changed directions heading for Thranduil and his group.

Tauriel instantly killed the first one with an arrow through his throat. Sif drew her sword, slicing the second attacker’s head from his body. Loki and Thranduil each battled a pair of the orcs, killing them swiftly. Within a minute, all the orcs lay dead around them.

“We had best hurry. There might be more,” Tauriel stated as she plucked her arrows out of her victims.

“I am not afraid of a few stray orcs. That was the purpose of our foray into the lands around Dale today,” Thranduil replied stiffly, looking down at the she-elf.

“I am sorry, my lord. I should not have spoken so.” Tauriel bowed her head slightly.

“See that it does not happen again. My son is no longer around to defend you,” Thranduil replied.

“Your son?” Loki asked.

“Yes, Legolas. He left right after Mithrandir and the hobbit. He said he could not return to our realm,” Thranduil explained as they resumed their journey back to his camp. “I sent him to find a man called Strider.”

“A man? A mortal? You have humans here? And what is a hobbit and a Mithrandir?” Loki asked.

“Yes, we do have mortals. Most of the races of Middle Earth are mortal. Only the elves are immortal. Mithrandir is a who, not a what. He is one of the Istari – a wizard, like you. A hobbit is… a strange race.

Loki heard the derision in the elf’s voice. “I am no wizard.”

Sif snorted at that remark. “No, but you are a trickster!”

Thranduil looked closer at Loki. “A trickster?”

“Yes, he is always playing tricks upon everyone. And they are not always nice. I am betting that you played a trick on Thor back on Svartalfheim. Didn’t you? Left him there, unless I miss my guess. It would not be the first time you have caused him harm. I remember the day he was to be crowned King…”

“That was not me.”

“Really?” Sif looked at Loki in disbelief.

“Well, I might have had something to do with it, but Thor would have made a poor king, and you know it.” Loki sighed deeply. “I do hope Thor made it out of there alive. The last thing I remember was Thor promising to tell Father about what I had done. I told him I didn’t do it for him… then I woke up here.”

“Who is this Thor that you keep speaking of?” Tauriel asked.

“My brother, or more precisely, my half-brother,” Loki replied.

“You left Thor to die on Svartalfheim?” Sif accused him, going back to what he had said a few seconds previously.

“No, I did not leave him intentionally on Svartalfheim. I was stabbed. Did you not hear me?” Loki replied.

“But…” Sif stared at him, clearly not believing a word he said. “You are standing here – alive.”

“Obviously. But do not ask me how. In fact, how did you end up here?” Loki asked.

Sif closed her eyes briefly, thinking. “I was speaking with my brother, in the Bifrost chamber. I had gone to him to ask him if he could see Thor. Then there was a flash, like an explosion, and I ended up here.”

“Hmmm… interesting. I wonder if the Convergence has anything to do with all of this?” Loki surmised. “But it still does not explain my lack of a wound or being alive.”

“You do always manage to escape death,” Sif said wryly.

“For which you are so grateful for,” Loki grinned back at her.

“So you are immortal?” The elven king looked at the Prince of Asgard.

“We do die… eventually. Although my father, Odin, is several thousand years old. Battle tends to kill us sooner than old age,” Loki answered.

“So your father is called Odin?”

Loki sighed. “Yes, he is my true father as I finally learned.”

“Wait!” Sif interrupted. “I thought Thor said you were adopted.”

“I was, Frigga is not my mother. She is not the mother of Thor either for that matter. My mother was a Frost Giant of Jotunheim.”

“A Frost Giant? What is a Frost Giant?” Tauriel asked, staring curiously at Loki. “You do not appear to be a Giant, for you are a normal size.”

“They are the inhabitants of Jotunheim, another of our realms. There are Nine Realms, or at least I thought there were only nine realms. This appears to be the Tenth Realm. I have never read about it before. You must tell me more about your world,” Loki replied as they reached the encampment.

“Ten realms?” Thranduil paused at the edge of the camp. Guards stepped aside to allow the elven king and his party to pass. “This sounds like a conversation for dinner.”

“Indeed,” Loki agreed. “Lead on!”

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: Was it the Wine?

Loki leaned back against the cushions of his chair as he finished his dinner. He lifted his glass of wine, swirling it thoughtfully before taking a sip. “An excellent repast, my lord.”

Thranduil inclined his head. “Thank you. I have enjoyed our conversation. It is rare to find intelligence such as yours.”

Sif rolled her eyes and groaned. “Intelligence?” she muttered under her breath.

Loki shot her a look, clearly having overheard her.

Tauriel quickly asked tossed out a question out, attempting to divert the attention. “Lady Sif, are there many female warriors amongst your kind?”

Sif’s eyebrows rose. “Our kind?” Then realizing that the elf wasn’t making fun of her, she shook her head. “No, there are few woman really. If need be, the women could rise up and fight, but they are not trained as warriors. Is that true here as well?”

“No, it is much as your people. Most of our women are not warriors,” Tauriel replied.

“As it should be. Women should not have to stand to defend our lands,” Thranduil stated. “I never did understand why you chose to become one of the guard.”

“Legolas, he inspired me. As a child, I saw his expertise with his bow and dreamed to become as good as he,” Tauriel replied.

Thranduil’s eyebrows rose. “Indeed.”

“Personally, I always found warfare tedious. All the training, the blood…” Loki said.

“Yes, you did manage to hide in the library when you were supposed to be training,” Sif said, accusing him.

“There are many ways to fight. One does not always require a sword to win a battle,” Loki replied quietly.

“Quite true, unfortunately, some enemies do not quite understand words. Orcs, for example,” Thranduil said. “They are rather stupid, doing as they are told.”

“Yes, there are those that only understand fighting,” Loki agreed. He took another sip of his wine. “I must say, this wine is rather excellent.”

“It is one from the woodland realm. I refuse to drink the swill the men make,” Thranduil finished his, waving for a servant to refill their glasses.

“There are many realms then, in Middle Earth?” Loki asked speculatively.

“No, Loki. No way are you staying here. WE are going back to Asgard,” Sif stated.

“You are more than welcome to return. I am finding it rather pleasant here,” Loki replied.

Thranduil smiled, pleased that the wizard appeared to be finding the place pleasant. “I welcome your company. You may stay as long as you desire. To have my own wizard would place me among the elite of the powers of Middle Earth.”

“I am no wizard…”

“But you have great magic. I have seen it from your staff,” Thranduil countered.

“It is true, I do know magic, but I am not a great wizard as you seem to think. I know a few tricks…”

Sif snorted. “Tricks. Right… play a few of your pranks on these people, and they will wish to be rid of you quickly!”

“Sif! I didn’t know you care so much about me,” Loki smiled at her.

“What tricks does she speak of?” Tauriel asked.

“Well, my favorite one…” Loki rose and walked away from the table. They watched as he moved to stand by the door.

“No, over here,” Loki’s voice came from behind them.

Thranduil and Tauriel gasped to see two of the gods standing in the room.

“Which one is real?” Tauriel asked.

“Shoot them both with your arrows, and you’ll find out quick enough,” Sif advised Tauriel. “Loki, really?”

The apparition by the door dissipated as the real Loki stepped out from behind the door. Tauriel shot a look behind her to discover the other Loki was gone. “How did you do that?”

“My brother always falls for that one,” Loki said with a laugh as he returned to his seat. “My mother taught me that trick.”

Tauriel gasped as she realized the plate in front of her had turned into a bowl filled with snakes.

“Loki! Stop that!” Sif shouted.

“You are a definite sourpuss. I wonder why I brought you along on this trip?” Loki changed the snakes back to the leftovers as he spoke.

“Brought me along?” Sif gasped. “I did not ask to come here. If you brought me here, send me back.”

“Would that I could,” Loki replied with a grin, “but knowing how much you would miss me, I think I shall keep you here by my side. I might have need of a warrior.”

Sif’s eyes blazed with anger. Her hand moved down to the hilt of her blade.

“Some more wine, perhaps?” Thranduil interceded.

Sif relaxed back in her seat and nodded. “Might as well.”

“Do not sound so excited, Sif; our hosts might get the wrong impression,” Loki cocked his head to one side as he looked at her.

“Of all the people to get stuck with, it had to be you!” Sif huffed.

“I know; do you not feel lucky to be with Loki?” Loki tapped his chest with one hand as he raised his glass with the other in salute to himself.

Thranduil threw back his head and laughed. “Lucky with Loki!” He lifted his glass in salute as well. “I am indeed lucky to have found a wizard.”

“Then this wizard shall do what little he can to assist you,” Loki nodded towards the elven king. For now, he decided he would appear to work with the elf. But, once he figured out the lay of this Middle Earth, he intended to find out how to rule it, or at least a part of it.

Sif sighed, rolling her eyes once more. Disgusted, she took a drink from her glass, deciding to ignore Loki. Turning to speak to Tauriel, she noticed the walls were starting to fade. “What is happening?”

“Have you had too much to drink, Lady Sif?” Thranduil asked solicitously.

“The walls,” Sif pointed.

Everyone turned to stare at the wall.

“Yes, there are walls to the tent. Is there a problem…” Loki’s voice trailed off as he noticed the walls were shimmering. “Damn! The Bifrost…”

“HEIMDALL!” Sif shouted. “He has found us!”

The rainbow effect of the Bifrost appeared, surrounding the four seated at the table.

“NO!” Loki shouted, trying to rise.

Sif grabbed his arm, stopping him from leaving.

The walls disappeared altogether, and they were surrounded by the rainbow colors of the Bifrost as they traveled along it.

“What is happening?” Thranduil shouted, his long hair starting to float around him.

The Bifrost disappeared without warning, leaving them hanging in the air. They plummeted towards the ground.

The hard landing knocked them all unconscious for several seconds. Loki was the first to revive, sitting up gingerly. He winced as he felt pain in his buttocks. He shook his head, looking around.

The others slowly sat up around him. “Where are we?” Sif finally asked.

“Sorry, Sif. It’s not Asgard,” Loki sighed. “And I almost wish it were.”

“Why?” Thranduil asked.

“I am not overly fond of this place… and the people here do not exceptionally like me either,” Loki replied.

Sif snorted. “That’s nothing new.”

“Welcome to Earth.” Loki waved his arm, gesturing towards the park where they had landed. Stark Tower could be seen in the distance, but more importantly, four mounted police officers were surrounding them.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4: I’ve got the NYPD Blues

The four mounted police officers closed in on the group. Loki rose from the ground gracefully, indicating that the others should also stand to greet the men. “Let me handle this,” he murmured to his companions. Loki considered his options. He knew that he was most likely not a welcome visitor to Earth, let alone New York City. He licked his lips, then smiled up at the mounted officers.

One of the officers whipped out a radio and spoke into it. “Yeah, we got four more of those Halloween leftovers here in the park, with a few bottles of wine and some grapes. Probably having an orgy.”

Loki glanced at the ground, seeing three bottles of the good wine they had been drinking had accompanied them on their trip. Then his mind started whirling as the man’s words registered. Halloween leftovers. Didn’t they realize who he was? This might work out after all.

Static crackled over the radio followed by words. “Still all dressed up for the party?”

“Yeah, one looks like Lookey, you know that dude that tried to take out the city last year? Two elves, like them Hobbit folks, and a Xena Warrior Princess. Looks like a bunch of ren faire rejects with a few bottles of wine.”

Sif sniggered. “Princess, I’m a princess… remember that Lookey Loo.”

Loki glared at her, the corrected the officer, “Um, that is Loki, not Lookey.”

The man stared down at him. “Listen pal, you can call yourself whatever you want. What you can’t do, is sleep in the park. Now get moving, or we’ll haul your skinny asses into the precinct. You can sleep off your party there if you want.”

“Thank you, but no. We were, uh….” Stark Tower in the distance caught his eye once more. “We were actually heading there, to visit Tony Stark – you know, Metal Man?”

“You mean Iron Man? You know him?” A second officer spoke up.

“Yes, we are acquainted,” Loki replied, stretching the truth a bit.

“What’s your name and who’re your friends?” the first officer asked, whipping out a note pad. His horse stomped impatiently.

“I am Loki of Asgard, as you so correctly surmised. This is the Lady Sif, also of Asgard…”

“Cut the BS… what are your real names?” the officer interrupted.

Loki’s mind whirled furiously, trying to come up with an Earth-sounding name. He finally chose names from those he had met. “Nick… Nick Barton.”

“Ok, Nick. Now, you claim to know Tony Stark, right?” The officer continued to write notes on his pad.

“Yes, I have visited him on a few occasions,” Loki replied blandly.

The officer spoke into his radio again. “One of them claims to know Tony Stark.”

“He knows Stark? For real or is he just pulling your leg?” the voice on the radio replied.

“How do I know? Ain’t like I can call Stark. Why don’t you?” the officer shot back.

“Call Stark Towers. If he really knows Stark, we don’t want an incident,” the voice on the radio advised.

“Fine…” the officer took out his cell phone. “Anyone know the phone number?” Then he looked at Loki. “Wait, since you’re his friend, why don’t you call him?”

“I, uh…” Loki thought quickly. ‘What was it that Barton had called those things they talked on?’ “I seem to have misplaced my phone cell.”

“You mean… Cell… Phone…” the officer spoke slowly. “Drunks…” he muttered under his breath.

“We are not drunk. We only had a few glasses of wine with our dinner,” Thranduil spoke up.

“I didn’t ask you, pointy ears,” the officer rebuked the elven king.

Thranduil looked astonished. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me, now shut up while we get this sorted out.” He held his cell phone out to Loki. “Here, use mine.”

Loki did not take it, just stared at the man. “That was rude. Do you know who he is?”

“I don’t care who he is, Lookey. Now, take my phone and call your buddy Tony Stark,” the officer insisted.

“It is Loki, and I do not have his number memorized,” Loki replied, crossing his arms in front of his body.

“Good lord. This is not my day,” the officer complained. “Fine, stupid people can’t remember telephone numbers. When I was younger…”

“Yeah, but Jim, remember, these cell phones… I don’t even know my own phone number. I just tell it to dial home,” the third officer finally spoke up.

“Fine… I will call Stark Towers myself.” The officer proceeded to punch in some numbers and held the phone to his ear. His gaze wandered to the sky as he waited for someone to pick up. “Hello, this is Officer Pruitt of the NYPD. I’m here in Central Park, and we ran across some folks here that claim they know Tony Stark… sure, I can hang on.” He held the phone away and spoke to the group. “He’s going to go get Miss Potts. Hello? Yes, Miss Potts? Sorry to bother you ma’am, but we got a four folks down here in Central Park, and one of them claims that he knows you and Mr. Stark.”

The officer nodded as he listened to Miss Potts. “Right, he says his name is Lookey… yeah, Loki, right. Listen, I’m going to put this on speaker, is that okay with you?” He pushed a button and Pepper Potts’ voice erupted from the phone. “What on Earth is Loki doing here?”

“It is rather complicated, Miss Potts,” Loki replied.

“Loki? Is that really you?” Stark’s voice was heard now.

“Ah, Tony Stark… yes, it is truly me.”

“What the hell are you doing back here? Are you insane?” Stark’s voice shouted. “JARVIS! Get a camera on Central Park and see what’s going on.”

“Yes, sir.”

“No. Actually, I had no intentions of coming here…”

“So you know these dudes? Shall I send them over to Stark Tower? We can’t have them loitering in the park,” The officer broke in.

There was silence from the other end of the phone for several seconds, and then Tony came back on the line. “Damn, it really is you. Yes, send them over.”

“You know how to get there?” the officer asked.

“May we borrow your horses?” Thranduil spoke up again.

The officer glared at him.

“I take that as a ‘No’.”

“You got that right, pointy-ears,” the officer put his cell phone and note pad away. “Ok, boys. We’re done here.” As he turned he horse away, he shouted over his shoulder. “And don’t leave that wine out there. Have to ticket you for littering if you do.”

Loki reached down and picked up one of the bottles. “Rather curious how this came with and nothing else.”

Tauriel and Sif picked up the remaining bottles.

Loki grinned. “At least we will have a gift for our generous host. Onward!”

Chapter Text

Chapter 5: Fine Whine

Tony Stark stared at the phone in his hand. “What the hell is Loki doing back here?”

Pepper shrugged. “I guess we are going to find out. Are you going to call Fury?”

Stark considered that and then shook his head. “No. He is on a need to know basis, and I don’t think he needs to know… at least right now. There is something… wrong here. What is he doing in Central Park? And… more importantly, who were those three with him? One looked like that dude from that movie everyone was raving about last winter.”

Pepper went to look at the images that had been saved on the computer. “Hmmm, you’re right. He does look like him. Are you certain this is the real Loki?”

“For some reason, I do think it is.” Stark moved to stand behind her, staring at Loki. He touched the screen, blowing up the image of Loki. “And how the hell did he get that back?” He pointed to the scepter. “I thought Fury took it.”

Pepper shook her head. “No, it was still out on the patio. I put it down in your lab.”

“JARVIS!”

“Yes, sir?”

“Is Loki’s scepter still in my lab?”

“It does not appear to be.”

“When did you see it last?”

“I believe it was still there two days ago. In the back closet where Ms. Potts put it.”

“But it is not there now, right?”

“Correct.”

“Damn! That has to be Loki then.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We are going there?” Thranduil pointed to Stark’s tower. “It looks like something out of Mordor.”

“Mordor?” Loki looked at his companion curiously. “Where is this Mordor? Is it a not so nice place to visit?”

“Definitely.”

“Well, that more or less describes Stark Tower,” Loki replied with a chuckle. “I am rather surprised that Stark is actually welcoming me to visit. He was not exactly pleased with me the last time I was here.”

“No one was,” Sif muttered under her breath.

Tauriel shot her a sharp glance. The two women fell slightly behind the men. “Do tell.”

Sif snorted. “Last time, Loki tried to rule Earth. They were not precisely pleased with his attempt and he was returned to Asgard and sentenced to prison for life.”

“Life? How did he get out?”

“Thor came up with a plan to save his girlfriend.” Sif frowned thinking of Jane. “Anyway, he had us help Loki escape. Loki then helped Thor try to get the Aether back, but I don’t know how that ended up. Thor had not returned when I ended up in your realm.”

“You do not like Thor’s girlfriend I take it,” Tauriel commented.

“No, she is not of Asgard. She belongs here on Earth with the other mortals.”

“So you are immortal, like us elves?”

“Not exactly, but we do live a long time. Several thousand years at least.”

The group had reached the edges of the park, and the sidewalks were crowded with people hurrying to work. Most people simply moved aside to allow them to pass. Thranduil, being a king, accepted the deferential treatment, expecting to be permitted to pass without any obstruction. He did not realize that the weapons the group carried were more the reason than his kingly manner. He simply walked with a slight condescending air about him.

They walked at a brisk pace, eventually reaching Stark Tower. A guard greeted them. “Mr. Stark is expecting you, Mr. Loki.”

He escorted them to a waiting elevator.

“What is this box?” Thranduil demanded to know.

“An elevator, sir,” the guard replied.

“What is the purpose of this ellyvator?”

“It will transport you up to the living levels where Mr. Stark resides.”

“It’s safe. Trust me,” Loki grinned, stepping into the elevator. The others entered and the doors swept shut.

“We are rising?” Thranduil asked, feeling the motion of the elevator.

“Yes.” Loki pointed up. “Stark lives up there.”

“He lives in the clouds? How is this possible?”

“No, on an upper level of the tower. We’re safe.” The doors whooshed open as Loki finished speaking.

“Ah, Loki. Welcome back!” Tony Stark greeted his guests.

“Yes, we just happened to be in the area, so I thought I would drop by. This is Thranduil, King of the Elves of Middle Earth,” Loki offered the introduction.

Tauriel almost choked. “King of the Elves?”

Thranduil shot her a glance. “Well, I am the only Elven King of Middle Earth. Celeborn and Elrond are only lords.”

Tauriel rolled her eyes. “We will never be able to live with him after this. King of Middle Earth?” She groaned.

Loki cleared his throat. “And, we brought you a gift,” his arm swept back towards the ladies who were carrying the bottles of wine.

Stark grinned. “I always did like a beautiful woman…”

“Tony!” Pepper said sharply.

“Pepper…” Stark cocked his head at Pepper. “You know me. Thanks, Loki.” He reached out and accepted the bottles of wine and inspected them. “No labels? Special blend?”

“They are the finest wines of Mirkwood,” Thranduil said.

“Well… I can’t say as I have ever had any Mirkwood wine before. Middle Earth you say?” Stark stared at Thranduil. “You look just like the dude who played that elf in The Hobbit.”

“You know of hobbits?” Thranduil’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Do you have hobbits here?”

“No, hobbits aren’t real. Guy by the name of Tolkien made them up,” Stark replied.

“Hobbits are indeed real. I have met one, a burglar hobbit named Bilbo Baggins. He was working for the dwarves,” Thranduil countered.

“Bilbo?” He looked at Pepper. “Isn’t that the name of the hobbit in the movie?”

“And in the books,” Pepper concurred.

“Books? You have books about hobbits?” Thranduil stared at her.

“Sure do. Now, about that wine…” Stark led them into the living room. “Tell me more about why you are here while we have a drink.”

Once everyone was settled sipping the Mirkwood wine, Stark looked directly at Loki. “Last time I saw you, Thor was taking you back to Asgard… muzzled and cuffed. Next thing I know, I get a phone call from NYPD.”

“NYPD?” Loki looked slightly confused and then realized Stark was referring to the police officers. “Ah, the guards in the park.”

“Guards… ah, right. Them. So do tell. How’d you end up back here… and how’d you get your scepter back?”

Loki quickly recounted his tale. When he finished, he took a sip of wine. “So, now we are here. I do apologize for my previous behavior; I wasn’t exactly myself.”

“Really? So who were you?”

“I would rather not discuss it.” Loki closed the subject. “Tell us more about this hobbit book. I did not have the opportunity to meet any hobbits while I was on Middle Earth.”

“How did you get there? Then here?” Stark asked.

“I believe the convergence has much to do with it. Have you seen my brother recently?” Loki asked.

“Convergence? Jane Foster was complaining of some odd phenomena…”

“Sir?” Jarvis’ voice echoed in the room.

“What is it? I told you not to interrupt me unless it was important.”

“I believe you need to see this.” The television in the room turned on with a news report flashing across the screen.

“We have breaking news here in Wiltshire, England. Famous scientist Dr. Erik Selvig was just captured here at Stonehenge. A complaint came in that a man was running around naked at the famous monument…”

Chapter Text

Chapter 6: Jack in the Box

“Get Fury on the phone!” Stark shouted racing out of the room.

Pepper shook her head and sighed. She looked at their guests. “Sorry about that. If you will excuse me a moment…”

“Sure, we shall be fine,” Loki replied. He lifted his wine glass up in a toast.

Thranduil was staring that the television. “What is that box?”

“I believe they call it a visiontelly. Mortal communication device, although some of the things that they see on it… “ Loki huffed. “Crazy, just crazy!”

“Actually, it is called a television. And I quite agree with you about what is on it,” Jarvis’ disembodied voice added. “Mostly it is a waste of time.”

“Then why do they have this… telly-vision?” Tauriel asked.

Loki shrugged. “We shall have to inquire when Tony returns.”

“So, that man in the box, you know him?” Thranduil asked.

Loki grinned. “Yes, he worked for me the last time I was here. Almost managed to get the Tesseract working.” His face screwed up into a frown. “Then my brother showed up and spoiled all the fun.”

“What is he doing?” Thranduil asked, continuing to stare at the television. The news report was still showing Selvig running around Stonehenge naked.

“Perhaps it is a courting ritual? He is naked after all,” Sif said.

“Strange, if it is. I find it not attractive at all,” Tauriel sniffed in derision.

“Neither do I, but then, these mortals are strange,” Loki replied.

Stark burst back into the room, trailed closely by Pepper, speaking rapidly as he walked in. “Fury doesn’t know what is going on. Hasn’t a clue where Jane Foster is either. She’s not been seen for days. I’ve got to go over there.”

“She’s with my brother,” Loki replied quietly.

“Thor? She’s with Thor?” Stark demanded. “Where?”

A mischievous twinkle appeared in Loki’s eyes as he considered his response. “Last seen, they were vacationing on Svartalfheim. I take it they haven’t returned to Earth yet?”

“Svartalfheim? Where the hell is that?” Tony shouted as he started pulling things out of his desk and tossing them into a duffle bag. “And vacationing? They picked a hell of a time to go on vacation!”

Loki shrugged, deciding not to go into details. He still wasn’t sure what had happened since he was clearly alive. “Definitely not near Hel. Don’t want to go there myself. Hela is not exactly the sanest woman alive.”

Sif snorted. “That is an understatement!”

“Hela?” Pepper asked.

“Uh, she’s in charge of Hel. I think that is where I sent Kurse. Thought I ended up there myself, only I woke up to find I’d discovered Middle Earth,” Loki replied.

“Middle Earth only exists in books and movies. Tolkien wrote them. Remember? I was telling you about that before Jarvis interrupted us,” Stark replied, slamming the desk drawer. He glared at Thranduil, before replying to Loki. “Who is he really? Did you pick him up in Central Park?”

“No, as I stated. I ended up in Middle Earth. Thought I was dead, but wasn’t. Then Sif showed up and ‘poof’, we appeared in your Central Park surrounded by the park guards. Why does the park have guards?” Loki asked.

“Because of kooks like you,” Stark snapped. He shot a look at Pepper. “Listen, honey. I gotta go to England, see if I can figure this out. Fury doesn’t have a clue what’s going on with Selvig, but he’s got some of his equipment out and is running around shouting about saving the world from some event.”

“But, Tony…” Pepper jerked her head towards their guests. “What about them?”

“Can you keep an eye on them till I find Thor?”

“Tony, I have to fly to Los Angeles in an hour… for work, remember?”

“Take them with!” Tony grinned.

“Right… take them? Seriously?”

“Jarvis?” Tony shouted.

“Sir?”

“You are in charge. Keep our guest entertained while we are gone,” Tony ordered. “Maybe show them some hobbit movies, just don’t let them get out. Got it?”

“Of course. Are you taking the Mach 8 prototype?” Jarvis asked.

“Yes, time for a test flight. Is it ready?”

“Indeed.”

Tony walked out on the patio and held out his arms.

“Oooh, this ought to be interesting!” Loki grinned.

“What?” Thranduil hissed.

“He gets all dressed up in this metal man suit and flies around. Rather impressive for mortal technology,” Loki replied. “Watch.” As his words died away, pieces of metal came flying through the room over their heads racing towards Stark.

Tauriel drew her sword. “What sorcery is this?”

“His,” Loki smirked.

Fully dressed in his latest version of his Iron Man suit, Stark saluted his guests and lifted off the terrace.

“Now, I am really sorry, but I must leave for Los Angeles. Jarvis will take care of you while I’m gone. If you need anything, just ask him,” Pepper said. “He knows how to reach me. I will be back in a few hours.”

“Bye!” Loki waved as she walked out the door.

“How come she does not fly off like he did?” Sif asked.

“The suits are designed for Mr. Stark only. I have scheduled the Hobbit movies for you to watch on the television, as he suggested, followed by the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Would you care for something to eat while you view it?” Jarvis asked.

“Hobbit movies?” Thranduil asked. “What is a hobbit movie?”

“A movie is a form of entertainment. In this case, it is based on the book of the same name. There are three of the hobbit movies, and then another three of the sequels. That should keep us all busy until Ms. Potts returns,” Jarvis explained.

Chapter Text

Chapter 7: Carry Out and Carry On!

Stark landed on the terrace. Extending his arms, he walked towards the patio door. With each step, a piece of his Iron Man suit flew off until he was completely divested of the armor. Entering the living room, he stared at the disaster that greeted his arrival.

“JARVIS! What the hell happened here?” His gaze swept through the room. Piles of plates were stacked everyone with remnants of all manner of take-out food imaginable. Several empty bottles of champagne had joined the bottles of Mirkwood wine his guests had arrived with. But there was absolutely no sign of his guests.

“I am sorry, sir. They were watching the movies as you suggested, and when they requested a meal, I offered take-out menus. They ordered one of everything, I believe.”

“ONLY one?” Stark stared at the mess. “It looks like they ordered from every take-out place in New York.”

“Actually, not quite every one, but they did try every style of cuisine available. They wished to sample the dishes of Earth. You said to keep them occupied.”

“Right… so where are they?” He picked up a chicken leg from a bucket on the table and began to gnaw on it. “Sleeping this repast off?” Picking up a bottle of champagne, he peered into it. Seeing it wasn’t completely empty, he searched until he found a clean glass and poured himself a glass.

“Not precisely. They…”

“Must be drunk as skunks! They drank everything!” Stark exclaimed as he finished his inspection of his bar area, discovering almost every bottle was empty. He tossed the partially eaten chicken leg onto a pile of plates.

“Unfortunately, alcohol does not appear to affect them as it does humans. They were rather coherent when they finished the last movie.”

“What did they watch?” Stark picked up a box of Thai takeout. Finding a pair of chopsticks, he munched on the contents.

“All three of the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and the three Hobbit movies.”

Stark’s eyebrows lifted. “ALL of them?”

“Yes, and Mr. Thranduil, excuse me, I mean Lord Thranduil was rather upset.”

“And why was Lord Thranduil upset?” Stark asked.

“He said they made a mistake and he wanted to speak to Mr. Jackson.”

“Mr. Jackson?” Stark looked confused.

“Peter Jackson,” Pepper’s voice came from the hallway.

“When did you get back?” Stark turned to face her.

“About a half hour ago. I’ve been cleaning the office. They made a bit more of a mess in there,” Pepper replied.

“Office? Why are they in my office?” Stark asked.

“I explained to them that Mr. Jackson had adapted the movies from the books. They insisted they wanted to read them. I believe they were attempting to find them online,” Jarvis’ voice answered before Pepper could.

“So they are reading the books online then?”

“No, they discovered there were stores for books.”

“Are you saying they went shopping?” Stark asked, suspicion that his guests had departed creeping into his mind.

“Yes.”

“Jarvis! I give you one thing! ONE thing to do… keep them occupied while I find out what is going on, and you lose them?” Stark shouted.

“I have not exactly lost them. I have been tracking them since they departed. They are currently in the Barnes and Noble bookstore in Times Square.”

“How long ago did they leave?”

“Approximately an hour ago.”

Stark rolled his eyes. “They’ve been loose on New York for over an hour?”

“Indeed.”

*********

“I cannot believe how much that man looked like me. He was quite good looking, don’t you think?” Thranduil tossed his long hair as he spoke.

“He did look like you,” Loki agreed as they walked along the sidewalk.

Tauriel rolled her eyes.

People gave them little notice, but did yield the space to the two tall men followed by the two women. Whether it was the armor or their imposing attitudes that caused this effect, it was difficult to say. The appearance of four strangely dressed people did not impact the residents of New York.

“I still do not quite understand this movie thing. How can they tell what happened when they clearly were not there? The elves contributed far more to that battle than what this Mr. Jackson said. And that beast! I would never ride a beast such as that!” Thranduil exclaimed. “What type of creature was that?”

Loki shrugged. “Not familiar with the creatures from Middle Earth… or this place either.”

“I thought you said you wanted to rule here?” Sif spoke with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“The mortals, not the creatures,” Loki replied. “Maybe they will know at this bookstore.”

“How much farther? Do we know where we are going exactly?” Tauriel asked.

“Jarvis said it was in the Square of Time, sounds like a magical place. Perhaps we can go back to Middle Earth from there?” Thranduil mused.

Loki paused, seeing two police officers ahead. “Let us ask the guards of the park. They can direct us.” He approached the two uniformed men. “Good day. I am hoping you can direct us. We are looking for the Barn of the Nobles in the Square of Times. I believe it is a place where they store books.”

The two officers frowned for a moment, then one smiled. “Ah, Barnes and Nobles. Right. Just keep walking along this street for four blocks, turn right and you can’t miss it.”

“Thank you,” Loki took of in the direction they had indicated followed by the others.

“Tourists!” the second officer smirked as they walked past him.

“The Barn of the Nobles… what a silly name for a place to sell books. One would expect horses or other creatures in a barn, not books,” Thranduil commented as they continued down the street.

“Indeed,” Loki turned right at the fourth block and paused. “Ah, there it is!” He pointed across the street to a building. “Although it appears that Jarvis was wrong about the name, it is Barnes and Noble. Curious name… barns and noble… they have an odd way of spelling things here, and stranger names for places to store books.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: Of Cabbages and Kings

The quartet entered the booksellers with the confidence only those born to rule would ever employ. A few patrons looked up, then returned to their business.

One employee left her post to approach the party. “Good afternoon, ladies, and gentlemen. You must be here for the book signing party!” She glanced at her watch. “But you are a bit early. It doesn’t start until 5 o’clock. Would you like to visit our café?”

“Party?” Thranduil looked at her. “To sign a book? Why would you have a party for that?” He spoke in his most autocratic voice.

The employee just grinned wider in response. “Wow! You’ve got Pace down pat! I’d almost believe I was meeting the real King Thranduil!” she gushed.

“You are meeting the real King Thranduil.” He stared down his nose at her.

Tauriel sniggered in the background.

“Yeah, right. If you say so,” she chuckled. “Anyways, we’re doing the book signing back there at 5 o’clock,” she pointed to a section of the bookstore where one long table was set out with a stack of books upon it. “I’ll bet you guys win the costume contest. These outfits are the bomb!”

“The bomb?” Loki asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Right, like in, way cool, you know?” She looked at him curiously.

“Not really, but if you insist.”

“Who are you? I don’t remember you in the movies… wait! You’re doing Thor’s brother, right? The tall, hunky blond dude,” the clerk sighed ecstatically. “I wish I could have met him when he was here.”

“Yes, Thor is my brother,” Loki sighed. “Or half-brother to be exact.”

“Hunky, blond dude?” Sif snickered, and then nudged Loki in the ribs. “Guess you know who the mortals prefer, eh Loki?”

“Ha ha ha ha!” the clerk laughed. “Right, anyways, since you are early, I mean, we weren’t really expecting anyone to show up for a few more hours, would you like to visit the café? Or read some magazines?”

“Actually, King Thranduil desires to read a book called ‘The Hobbit’. Do you happen to have one?” Loki asked.

“You’re kidding, right?” The clerk laughed. “Do we have that book? Only about sixty different copies since the movies came out.”

“Yes, we watched the movies earlier today at Tony Stark’s place. That is why we have come here. Jarvis informed us a man called Toller, or Tooker, or something like that loosely based the movies on some books. There were several inconsistencies within the movies, and I wished to see if the books were incorrect as well,” Thranduil said, an imperious tone in his voice.

“Incorrect? Um, you do know they are fiction, right? Not real,” the clerk said.

“We just wish to read the books, while we wait for this book signing, please. By the way, what is the book signing about? What book? Is this Tollhouse going to be here?” Loki responded, finally deciding the clerk thought they were not real.

“Tolkien, Professor Tolkien, but he died a long time ago. No, this is one of the extras in the movies. They were in all three LOTR movies and all three Hobbit movies. I wish I coulda been so lucky. To meet Orlando Bloom, and Viggo, and Lee Pace…” the clerk sighed dreamily. Shaking her head, she continued. “Anyways, they wrote a book about their experiences. Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“Um, right. That is why we are here. But until this person shows up, we’d like to look over the Hobbit books, please,” Loki repeated.

“Oh, right. This way.” The clerk led the way to a section of the bookshop and removed several copies of ‘The Hobbit’ from the shelves. “Did you wish to purchase one? Or do you want to look through them first?”

Loki peered at the stack of books. “These are all the same book?”

“No, these here are different editions of ‘The Hobbit’, and these are the books from the trilogy,” she explained the difference.

“Trilogy? That is the one that is after the Hobbit, correct?” Thranduil asked, then went on when the clerk nodded. “How did this Tolbert know so much? I still cannot believe a hobbit brought down Sauron.”

“I know, right? Frodo was so brave, and Sam too,” the clerk smiled. “Anyways, did you wish to purchase any of these? I can ring you up and …”

“We’ll take all of them,” Loki brandished a credit card Jarvis had handed him before they left Stark Tower.

“All… all? All of them?” the clerk gasped. Not waiting for them to change their mind, she grabbed the credit card from Loki’s hand and raced over to a cash register. She brought a scanner over and quickly rang up the sale. Handing Loki the receipt, she smiled broadly. “Thank you so much. Can I get you something to drink while you read?”

“Wine, please,” Thranduil had already picked up one of the books and was skimming through it.

“Um, we don’t serve wine…”

“Why not?” Thranduil asked. “You asked what I wanted to drink, and I told you; now see to it at once!”

“What is the problem, Shelly?” Another woman approached. “I do hope Shelly has seen to your needs. I am Marta, the store manager.”

“Oh, well, they just bought all these books,” Shelly’s hands swept over the pile of books in front the group. “They were going to wait for Mr. Tomason’s book signing. Aren’t their costumes the best ever? Anyways, I asked if I could get them something to drink and the one that looks like Thranduil requested wine…”

“I do not just LOOK like Thranduil; I AM Thranduil,” the elven king interrupted. “Now, can you simply get some wine?”

“I am sorry, um, Thrandoll, but we do not serve wine in our bookstore, at least not most days. We do sometimes have wine tastings… “ Marta shrugged.

Tauriel sniggered hearing the mispronunciation of the king’s name. “Thrandoll,” she muttered to Sif. “It does rather suit him.”

“Well, I wish to taste wine, so see to it!” Thranduil returned to skimming through the book, assuming the issue was closed.

“I would suggest you get him some wine. He can get a bit testy if you don’t do as he asks,” Loki whispered to Marta, handing her the credit card.

Marta looked at the pile of books they had just purchased, then the credit card. Her eyes widened upon seeing Stark’s name on it. “You are friends with Mr. Stark?” Loki nodded. “I suppose I can make an exception. Shelly? Would you run across the street and purchase a bottle of wine for them?” She held the credit card out to the clerk.

Shelly took the credit card. “I’ll be right back then.”

“If you need anything else, just let us know,” Marta excused herself and returned to her office.

Ten minutes later, Shelly returned with two bottles of wine and four glasses. “Here you go. I hope you like this, it’s one of my favorites.” She opened one bottle and poured each person a glass. “Now, is there anything else I can get you?”

Thranduil looked up. “Food. Some cheese or fruit would be nice.”

“At once!” Shelly took off once more.

“Strange, these mortals. Keeping books in a stable, although it is rather clean. Where are the horses, I wonder?” Thranduil bent his head over the book once more.

Chapter Text

Chapter 9: Hashtag Elfie Selfie

“Sir? I believe I have located Mr. Loki and his companions.”

“You believe you have found them, Jarvis? Do tell,” Stark snapped.

“A rather large purchase was made at the Barnes & Noble store near Times Square using your credit card.”

“MY credit card? And precisely how did they obtain my credit card?”

“It seemed prudent to not allow them out without some form of cash. I did not believe they would understand our currency.”

“Correct. They don’t use currency in Asgard to the best of my knowledge, nor in Middle Earth I am fairly certain,” Stark sighed.

The telephone rang. “Sir? I have a Ms. Marta Nielson on the telephone. She is the store manager from Barnes & Nobles and wishes to confirm the in-store purchases.”

Stark grabbed the phone off the table and punched a button. “Ms. Nielson? I am so… yes, yes. That is my credit card. They purchased what? Fine, yes, just…keep them there. I will send a car to pick them up at once. What? You want them to stay? Fine… Okay.”

Stark set the phone down. “Jarvis! Have my car brought around front.”

“At once, sir.”

*******

“A ring? That silly hobbit has THE ring? Tauriel, we must get back at once!” Thranduil snapped the book shut. “If I can find that little hobbit before Gandalf figures it out, I can be the one to save Middle Earth and defeat Sauron. We have got to get back at once!”

“All well and good, but how do we get back?” Tauriel pointed out, nibbling on a scone from the café. “Though I’m not so sure I want to go back. This beats lembas bread by a long shot! Try one.”

“Loki? You have to help us,” Thranduil rose from his seat, ignoring Tauriel’s comment. He glanced down at the stack of things the Asgardian prince was reading. “What are you reading? These appear to be mere rags, not books.”

“Shelly brought them over. Says they are called comic books,” Loki held one up. “Check this one out, it’s all about me… sort of.”

Thranduil flipped through the comic book, looking at the pages, then back up at the god. “Does not resemble you at all… well, except for the colors. Who is this woman?”

Loki sniggered when he saw that Thranduil was pointing to a picture of his brother. “That is my brother, Thor.”

“Your brother is a woman?” Thranduil looked confused.

“According to this comic book,” Loki sniggered.

“OH MY GOD! Check these dudes out,” A woman’s voice squealed. “Doesn’t he look just like Thranduil?”

“That is because I am Thranduil,” the elven king stared at the three women who had wandered over to the area they were in.

“Oooh… he even sounds like him,” a second woman replied, then started to rummage in her purse. “Damn! Of all days to leave my selfie stick at home. Megan? You’ve gotta take a picture of me with him.” She tossed her cell phone to the third woman.

“Got it!” Megan grabbed the camera and held it up as her friend darted up close to Thranduil and turned to look at her friend. “Hang on… let me get in the picture…”

“Me too!” the first woman slid in alongside Megan. “You don’t mind, do you? But gosh… you look so much like Thranduil. That costume is awesome.”

“Everyone smile!” Megan was holding the camera at arm’s length as she snapped a picture. “An elfie selfie! Here’s your camera, Jess.”

“I’m going to tweet this… #Elfie Selfie at B&N.” Jess started punching buttons on her camera.

Several others and heard the commotion in the corner of the store and wandered over to see what was going on. Shelly was grinning, motioning people over towards Thranduil. “Yes, wait’ll you see their costumes! Book signing will start in ten minutes, and voting for the costumes too.”

People began crowding around Thranduil. “Can I get my picture with you too?”

A bemused Thranduil simply nodded. “What is this elfie selfie?” He asked Loki over the heads of the various women who were standing in line to get their picture taken with him.

Loki shrugged. “No clue.”

Jess stared hard at Loki. “WOW! How did I miss you?” She started to fan her face rapidly. “I have died and gone to Asgard! Megan? Get over here! Doesn’t he look just like Loki?”

Loki suddenly found himself surrounded by a gaggle of girls, all clamoring to get a selfie with him. “Ladies… please…”

Tauriel and Sif were standing in the background, watching the women practically pawing over the two men. “He’ll be impossible to live with after this,” Sif remarked. “Thor was always the one the women flocked to before.”

Tauriel laughed. “Really? What’s he look like?”

“Tall, blond, big muscles,” Sif replied.

“Hmmm… sounds like someone I’d like to meet,” Tauriel grinned back.

******

Stark pulled up to the bookstore, discovering a line waiting to enter. “What the hell?”

“It would appear that someone has discovered our guests and tweeted their location, an elfie selfie, sir,” Jarvis’ voice sounded in his ear.

“Elfie selfie?” Stark stepped out of the car.

A policeman walked up. “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t park here. You’ll need to… OH… Mr. Stark,” the man suddenly recognized him. “I am so sorry. Are you here to meet those actors too?”

“Uh, no. Not exactly…” Tony tossed the keys to the officer. “Keep an eye on it, will you?”

He entered the store, discovering a huge crowd had gathered in the back section. He approached the cashier. “I’m looking for two guys… tall,” he held his hand up to indicate the height. “One blond and one dark. With two women. Dressed kind of oddly.”

“Ah, you mean the cosplayers. They are the hit of the book signing. So glad they came. You here to get a selfie too?” the cashier asked.

“Um, no. I’m here to take them home,” Stark replied. “My guests, sort of.”

“Mr. Stark!” A voice behind him chimed. “I am the store manager, we spoke on the phone earlier.”

Tony turned to face the woman. “Right. They haven’t been too much trouble, have they?”

“No, in fact, thank you for sending them here. Since the first selfie got tweeted, things have been hopping. We have never had such a turnout for a book before. This is fantastic. Our sales have been excellent. Of course, their purchases have helped as well,” Marta nodded towards where a stack of books was being packed up. “Would you like these sent to your tower?”

“Please,” Tony removed his sunglasses and walked back towards the crowd.

“Ah, metal man!” Loki greeted him. “You are back from your trip, I see.”

“Yes, what the hell are you guys doing here?” Stark asked.

“Thranduil insisted we find the books that those movies were based on. Now he wants to go back and find a hobbit thing with a ring,” Loki replied as another woman wrapped her arms around his waist and held out her phone to snap a photo.

“Okie dokie Loki! Thanks!” the woman held her phone up so Loki could see the picture.

“Nice, I am certain.”

“Oh my god! You gotta tweet it that way, Em!” the woman’s friend giggled. “#Okie dokie Loki… that is just TOO cute! Don’t you think so?” She grinned up at Loki. “Damn, you are so hot.”

“Right…” Loki laughed dismissively.

“Okie dokie Loki?” Sif smirked. “Wait till I tell that one to Thor!”

Loki glared at her.

“Listen, boys,” Stark included Thranduil in his comment. “We need to leave…”

“I am sorry, but this lady has invited us to dine at her place,” Thranduil indicated a woman who was standing by his side, beaming up at him.

Stark rolled his eyes. “That is not a good idea…”

“Oh, please… Oh my god, ohmygod, ohmygod! It’s Tony Stark!” The woman suddenly realized who he was.

“But is it MY book signing! Who the hell do these dudes think they are? Loki and Thranduil?” a mousy looking woman shouted about the noise.

“And who, exactly, are you?” Tony asked her.

“Mary Carter,” the woman held up a book. “The author of this book… ‘My trip to Middle Earth’. I was IN the movies… all SIX of them!”

Tony stared at her. “Really? As what? A dwarf?”

A snigger erupted from the crowd.

The woman glared at him. “I was an extra. I played a hobbit most of the time, but I also filled in as an orc in a few scenes.”

“You are far too short to be an orc,” Thranduil stared at her.

“How the hell would you know?” Mary demanded.

“Because I have killed more than my share of them. You are no orc!”

“Boys, really… I think we need to leave now,” Stark spoke up.

“And just who are you? Some goofy nerd dressed up like Thranduil. Honestly, this wig is so cheesy!” Mary reached out and grabbed a handful of Thranduil’s hair and pulled hard.

“Get your hands off him!” Mary suddenly found herself being confronted by an angry she-elf… WITH a bow and arrow. And the arrow was pointed directly at her head.

Chapter Text

Chapter 10: Gorgeous… just Gorgeous

Spontaneous applause broke out in the bookstore.

“That was the BEST skit ever!” one patron proclaimed.

“You need to do these more often,” another announced.

Stark saw the opportunity and grabbed it. Raising his arms up, he smiled at the people who had gathered around. “Thank you, thank you. Stark Industries is proud to have sponsored this little tableau.” He walked between Tauriel and Mary, hissing at the elf. “Put the bow down, sweetheart.”

Tauriel glared at him, maintaining her stance. “I am not your sweetheart,” she hissed. “Dolle naa lost,” she muttered under her breath.

Thranduil sniggered.

“Sorry,” Mary looked at Thranduil, releasing the hank of hair she held in her hand. “Didn’t realize it was real.”

Thranduil looked coldly at the woman. “Why would it not be real?” He nodded his head imperceptibly at Tauriel, indicating that he did not deem this strange woman to be a threat. Tauriel lowered her bow.

Mary shrugged. “Hey, I didn’t realize how extreme some of you cosplayers can be. I mean, honestly… growing out your hair like that? What does your boss say?”

Thranduil looked confused. “My boss?”

“Trust me, I don’t mind,” Stark stepped in to the conversation. “He could dress like King Kong and I wouldn’t care… as long as he does his job, right boys?” He winked at Loki and Thranduil, hoping they would catch on to what he was trying to do and avoid any problems.

“Wow! They work for you, Mr. Stark? I guess I ought to thank you for bringing all these guys here. This is the best turnout I’ve had at a book signing,” Mary admitted grudgingly. “Would you guys be interested in following my tour?”

“Sorry, but they have other plans,” Tony replied. “Now, boys? Why don’t we head back for dinner? Pepper should be back soon.”

Em wrapped her arms around Loki’s waist once more. “Oh no, he promised to take us to dinner, right?” She nodded furiously at her friend who was still standing next to Thranduil.

Taking the cue, her friend latched onto Thranduil’s arm. “Yes, dinner. They promised to take us to Lutece.”

Eight other women, including Mary, swarmed around Loki and Thranduil. “Yes, dinner! They promised!”

“My precious!” several women chanted at once as they maneuvered to get as close as possible to the two.

“Jarvis!” Stark shouted, realizing this situation was getting out of control.

“Yes, sir?”

“I need reservations for a party of…” Tony glanced over at the group and counted the women fawning over the two men. “Party of fifteen at Lutece. And send the limo here.”

“Fifteen, sir? You realize they typically require more advance on their reservations. And you did not forget tonight, did you?”

“I know. Just tell them it’s me, got it? We should be there in an hour. And what about tonight?”

“You are taking Miss Potts to the gala at the Met. Shall I have her meet you there or add one more for Lutece?”

“I’ll call her myself and make it sixteen for Lutece.” Tony pulled out his cell phone and punched in Pepper’s private number.

“Tony! What’s going on?” Pepper asked, her face appearing on the screen. “Is something wrong?”

“No… Yes! I need you back here, right away.” Tony noticed that five women were hanging off Thranduil, and the others were happily snapping selfies with Loki. He held the phone up so Pepper could see it.

Pepper smirked. “What? They’re not fawning over you? Jealous?”

“Pepper!”

“Is it the blond hair or the leather?” Pepper asked.

Tony looked over at the god and the elven king. He sighed heavily. “Right, whatever. Probably both, or the novelty. Listen, they managed to almost cause a riot here at the bookstore…”

“What are they doing at a bookstore? I thought you told Jarvis to keep them occupied?” Pepper interrupted him.

“I did, and he did… for several hours. They watched LOTR, and then Thranduil got a bug up his butt and wanted to read the books for some reason and Jarvis let them leave with one of my credit cards. I’m taking them and their girlfriends to Lutece’s. Jarvis is making reservations. Can you join us there?”

Pepper laughed. “Sure. But I think you’ll need to get them all properly dressed before you go. That gal on the left won’t get past the headwaiter in that outfit.”

Tony took stock of the various state of dress the group was in. “Right. Just… hurry. Please?”

“What? Can’t control them?” Pepper teased him lightly.

“It’s not them, what if Fury finds out Loki is here, and I know about it?”

“When have you ever cared what Fury knew?” Pepper pointed out. “I should be back in an hour. I’ll meet you at the restaurant. Have fun shopping!” her face disappeared from his phone.

“Pepper!” Tony shouted in frustration.

“Shall I get her back on the line, sir?” Jarvis asked.

“No, the limo?”

“It is about to arrive out in front, sir. And I have secured reservations for the restaurant in one hour. I have also called ahead to alert Macy’s to expect your party for fittings in ten minutes.”

“Excellent.” Tony rolled his eyes. “Why did they have to come here?”

“Sir?”

“Nothing, Jarvis. Just talking to myself.” Tony shook his head and waved at Loki and Thranduil. “Boys, gather your new friends and follow me.”

Loki smirked, but did as requested. Thranduil frowned, then seeing Loki was doing as Stark bid, he elected to follow as well. The group made their way through the store, eventually walking outside.

A limo slid up to the curb seconds later and an attendant sprang out to open the doors. “Mr. Stark!”

“Right, thanks. Ladies, gentlemen…” Stark gestured to the limo. “If you would please, we are on a tight schedule.”

Loki entered first, followed by Sif. He moved to the back and settled into a plush seat. “Nice.” As he waited for the others to get settled, he opened the refrigerator next to him and pulled out a bottle of champagne and held it up. “Thranduil! Shall we?”

Thranduil sat next to him and inspected the bottle. “What is this cham-pag-na?”

“I am not certain, but it looks interesting,” Loki replied. He inspected the label. “It states that it is Krug Brut Vintage, 1-9-8-8… batch number perhaps?”

“Krug? Sounds like something a dwarf would brew,” Thranduil commented.

“Or an orc,” Tauriel added as she finally sat down. “What is this drink?”

Loki shrugged. “Not certain, but shall we try it?

“If we do not like it, we can always give it to them,” Sif nodded towards the bevy of ladies that had accompanied them.

Stark was finally the last to enter. He saw the bottle Loki was holding up. “Loki, be careful. That stuff is vintage 1988.”

“I am aware of that. The label clearly states so,” Loki replied as he peeled the gold foil off the top. “Thranduil insists it is a dwarvish drink. Is it?”

“It is a drink fit for a king!” One lady shouted. “Pour me some!”

“Well, then,” Thranduil smiled. “I shall try some.”

Loki stared at the cork for a second, then lightly touched it. The cork popped off easily.

“How on earth did you do that?” Stark asked.

Loki laughed. “I promised mother I would never give away my secrets.” He quickly poured four glasses for himself, Thranduil, Sif, and Tauriel. “Now, who else wants some?”

Several ladies began clamoring for a drink. Loki passed the bottle across to one lady, who deftly poured a glass, then looked over the rim seductively at Loki. “Thank you,” she sighed, batting her eyelashes.

Stark rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Listen folks, we have to make one stop. We aren’t dressed appropriately for Lutece, so we are making a stop at Macy’s…”

“Who’s buying?” one lady chirped.

“I’m paying… but ONE outfit each. Got it?” Stark said sternly.

The limo pulled up in front of Macy’s and they were ushered inside to a waiting elevator that whisked them up to a private level.

“Mr. Stark. I am Mark Anthony. I shall be assisting the gentlemen today in selecting appropriate outfits, and Miss Stancil shall be working with the ladies,” he gestured to a drab woman standing at his side. “We are pleased you chose Macy’s for this shopping venture.”

“Right. We’ve got twenty minutes to get everyone dressed and out of here. Can you do it?”

Mark rubbed his hands together. “I enjoy a challenge.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 11: Dressed to Kill

“Hurry back!” the woman giggled as Loki and Thranduil departed with Mark.

“Ladies, follow me!” Miss Stencil commanded, marching them to a small room. She ushered the ladies in, the clapped her hands. “Staff! We need outfits…” she peered at each woman individually. “And makeup and at least three hair stylists!” She stepped over to Tauriel, and flicked her fingers through the she-elf’s hair. “This look has to go.”

Sif snickered, catching Stencil’s attention. “Oh, don’t think you’re getting away without a style. You’re not much better. That hairdo is so… so… “ Stencil shuddered, unable to think of a word to describe her opinion of Sif’s hair style.

The room filled with various staff, each attending to various tasks. Some measured the ladies and scurried off returning with armfuls of gowns for them to try on. Sif found herself pushed back into a chair and the leather band that held her hair in place was cut off and a comb was being pulled through her long black tresses.

“OUCH!” Sif winced in pain as the comb caught in a tangle.

“Sorry, miss. But we only have twenty minutes,” the stylist replied. “Marge has picked out a dress for you, so as soon as I finish with your hair, you can get dressed.”

The twenty minutes passed in a flurry of activity as the women were poked, prodded, and eventually dressed and made up. Each woman had been attired in a dress that complimented their looks, and their coifs were beautifully done. A box was brought in and jewelry was displayed for each woman to choose some pieces to wear.

Sif scoffed at the fancy jewels. “I do not need anything.”

“Sweetie, take what you can. It ain’t often you get to spend a night with Tony Stark, and those two hunks he’s got working for him,” Em said. “Pick something out. That ruby and black diamond necklace would look stunning with that dress.”

Sif was wearing a sleeveless red silk halter gown with matching sling back heels. The V-neck front flowed to a draped floor length skirt. She glanced at the necklace. “I guess it would look pretty,” she said grudgingly.

“Try it on.” Em helped her put it on, then turned her to face the mirror. “See! And don’t forget the earrings.”

“Not bad,” Tauriel said.

Sif looked at the she-elf. Tauriel’s hair had been braided into an intricate pattern. She was wearing a green gown with a sweet-heart neckline and full skirts. She had chosen a golden leaf necklace with matching earrings.

Sif giggled. “Look at the pair of us. We’re warriors, not silly pieces of fluff.”

Tauriel shrugged. “I guess this is what they do here on this world. I miss my bow.”

Miss Stencil clapped her hands. “Ladies! We are overdue in the foyer. Come along!”

The ladies filed back into the waiting area by the elevator.

“Oh wow! Are they not just… just yummy?” One woman practically drooled as she looked at the three men. Stark stood there, along with Thranduil and Loki. All three were now wearing tuxedos. Stark and Loki both in black flanked Thranduil who was dressed in silver grey.

“Seriously, are you ladies for real?” Sif asked.

“What? Jealous?” one said snidely.

Sif recognized the lady speaking as one who had been hanging on to Loki. “Of you? Hardly. You may keep him if you wish. I want nothing to do with him.”

Loki snickered, and walked over to the ladies. “She prefers my brother, don’t you Lady Sif?”

“Loki,” Sif growled.

“Ravishing, Sif. Just ravishing.” Loki looked her over. “Perhaps, if you had dressed like this more often, he might have noticed you and not that insipid mortal he’s fallen for.”

Sif shot daggers at him with her eyes. She raised her hand to slap him. Loki grabbed it and looked down at her. “Now, now… “

“Go fool around with your lady friends. Leave me alone!” Sif snapped.

“Gladly.” Loki released her arm.

“Are we ready?” Stark asked. He glanced at Mark. “Send the bill to Ms. Potts.”

Mark nodded. “It is always a pleasure doing business with you.”

“I can imagine,” Stark said under his breath. Raising his voice, he shouted over the voices of everyone. “Folks, we need to get back to the limo. Can’t be late for our reservations.”

Everyone crowded back into the waiting elevators. They exited into the store and walked briskly back out to the limo. Once everyone was back inside, the limo glided away from the curb and headed into traffic.

Ten minutes later they arrived at the entrance to Lutece. The driver scurried to open the door, assisting the ladies to exit the limo.

“Oh my gawd. I cannot believe I am actually going to eat here,” one lady gushed.

“Me either, and with them,” another sighed.

Sif rolled her eyes at the comments. “If you only knew them…”

Tauriel laughed. “Indeed!”

“Good evening, Mr. Stark. Miss Potts has arrived already,” the maître d'hôtel greeted them as they entered the restaurant. “Your table is ready if you are.”

“Right, Pepper is here already?”

“Yes, she took the liberty of ordering for the party. I hope that is acceptable,” the maître d'hôtel said.

“I’m sure she did a great job. I wouldn’t know where to begin with this group,” Stark said with a laugh. “Lead on!”

They were whisked into the main dining room to their table. People tried not to stare, but a party that included two elves, Loki, Sif, and a gaggle of women practically drooling over the men was hard to not gape at.

Pepper rose when she saw them. “Tony! You’re on time… for a change.”

“Pepper, not now.”

“Are they all coming with tonight? To the Met?” she asked.

“What is this met?” Thranduil asked.

“It is an opera house,” Pepper replied. “Music. Tonight they are featuring Beethoven.” She turned her attention to Tony. Lowering her voice, she whispered. “I do not think we can get this many tickets.”

“What is a beta oven?” Thranduil asked the lady sitting next to him.

“You’ve never heard of Beethoven?” the woman giggled.

“Perhaps it bakes bread? To music?” Loki replied, mischief dancing in his eyes. He was glad of the time he had spent reading, it had not been all fiction he’d devoured. His knowledge of the nine realms was extensive.

“Bakes bread to music?” Thranduil considered that. “I would like that. Tauriel! Make sure we add music to the kitchens of Mirkwood.”

“Right,” Tauriel sighed. “Music in the kitchens. That will be a first. Pretty soon Mirkwood will look and sound like Rivendell. Cannot complain about that though.”

“What is Mirkwood?” Sif asked.

“It is where we live… or did live until we ended up here. I do hope we get back soon.”

“Are you not enjoying yourself, my lady?” a man asked from behind her.

“Oh! I did not realize you were there. I am sorry,” Tauriel said apologetically, staring up at the handsome man.

“For what? Being beautiful? May I introduce myself? I am…”

A loud explosion erupted from the kitchens.

Chapter Text

Chapter 12: An Unexpected Journey

“What the hell was that?” Tony jumped up from his seat. “Jarvis!”

“I’m checking on it, sir.”

“Well, check faster!”

Tauriel scanned the table for anything she could use for a weapon. Her hand reached out and grabbed the steak knife. “Why did I leave my bow in that limo?” she moaned.

“I know what you mean.” Sif was armed with a steak knife as well. She’d also grabbed a fork to add to her arsenal.

The two women raced toward the sound of the explosion.

Loki grinned. “Ah, I always love a good fight. Shall we join them?” he asked Thranduil.

“Might as well. Would hate to have them be the heroes. Though I do miss my sword,” Thranduil replied.

“This one?” Loki reached down and picked up a sword, handing it to the elven king.

Thranduil grinned. “I had almost forgotten you were Istari.”

Loki shrugged. “If you insist. Should I arm the ladies?”

Thranduil glanced at Sif and Tauriel. “Probably. Those tiny daggers will not be very helpful if the enemy is large.”

Loki laughed. “I am half tempted to see them battle with the silverware, but I agree.”

He waved his hand and Tauriel’s bow and Sif’s sword appeared and clattered to the floor. “Oh Sif!” Loki’s singsong tone caused the warrior goddess to turn, a scowl forming on her face.

“What?”

Loki just pointed down towards the weapons.

Sif grinned. “Thanks!” She lifted her sword up in one hand and grabbed Tauriel’s bow in another. Turning, she raced to catch up to the she-elf.

Loki’s tuxedo disappeared to be replaced with his Asgardian battle armor. He glanced at Thranduil, and with another flick of his wrist, the elven king was wearing the battle armor he had been wearing when he first met Loki.

By now, the other patrons of the restaurant had started screaming. Seeing weapons appearing and four of the Stark group rising up fully armed, pandemonium ensued. Stark’s party was completely bemused.

“Is this part of the show?” One lady asked.

“I dunno, I guess. Can’t complain, can you? Free dinner, a new outfit, and a show?”

“Yeah, especially with hunks like them!”

“Sir,” Jarvis’ voice chimed in Tony’s ear.

“What did you find out?”

“The explosion is similar to the event that caused your recent guests to appear. I would expect it is part of this convergence Loki was talking about. I cannot tell what has appeared, but I would expect the worst.”

“Right. I need a suit Jarvis, like right now.”

“It is on its way, sir.” Seconds later, metal pieces of Tony’s Iron Man suit came flying through the restaurant.

The wait staff began circulating, attempting to calm customers, but pandemonium was rampant. People were shrieking and starting to run towards the exits when a loud sound in the kitchens silenced everyone.

Seconds later, a Uruk Berserker came racing into the room, shouting his war cry.

“Yrch!” Tauriel pulled out an arrow and strung her bow. Her arrow flew through the air and hit the orc in the arm.

“You missed,” Loki commented.

Sif raised her sword, advancing on the creature. The Berserker swung out his fist, catching Sif on the side of her head, slamming her into the wall.

A flash of blue appeared, and the Berserker fell to the floor stunned. Everyone turned to see the source. Loki calmly stood there, his scepter pointed toward the creature. “That should keep him quiet for a few minutes.”

Thranduil raced up to the orc and sliced his head off in one smooth motion with his sword. “And that should silence him forever.” He walked over to Sif, offering his hand so she could stand.

Stark walked slowly over to investigate the fallen orc. He kicked the creature, making sure it was dead. “What the hell is this?”

“A berserker. One of Saruman’s spawn if I am to believe that movie I watched last night,” Thranduil answered. “More importantly, how did it get here?”

“Jarvis said there was another event, similar to the disturbance that brought you guys here,” Stark replied. “I wonder…” he glanced at their table and noticed Pepper was missing along with Mary, the author of the book that had been in their party. “Pepper? Jarvis! Where is Pepper?”

“I am sorry, sir. I cannot locate her.”

“Well, she is missing along with that nutty lady from the book shop.”

“She was not a nutty lady,” one woman protested. “She was in those movies…”

“I don’t care if she made the movies,” Tony cut her off. “She is missing along with Miss Potts.”

“Perhaps they went to where this thing came from?” Loki suggested. “I wonder, was this the only thing that traveled here?” He exchanged a look with Thranduil.

“Shall we see?” Thranduil pushed the kitchen door opened and entered. Loki followed him in.

“I’m a Baggins! Now get your hands off me. Don’t tell me you have never seen a hobbit before!”

“Bilbo Baggins?” Thranduil asked, completely astonished to see the hobbit standing in the midst of a pile of spilled potatoes, peppers, and onions. Three cooks trying to push him out of the cooking ingredients.

“Thranduil! Fancy meeting you here. I thought you had returned home. And where are we? Other than in a kitchen, I recognize that much at least. Although I must say it is a rather strange kitchen, even yours were not quite so… shiny.” Bilbo stated. “And who is that? And what happened to Gandalf?”

“You didn’t happen to see a tall, gorgeous blond… did you?” Tony asked.                   

“I am frightfully sorry, but the only tall blonds I have seen recently are that one,” Bilbo pointed to Thranduil, “and his son, Legolas. If your tastes happen to swing that way…”

“No! No no no… I meant a female, uh, a human woman. My girlfriend disappeared when you showed up along with that disgusting creature they killed back in there,” Tony corrected the hobbit quickly.

“Oh, well then, no. I did not see any tall, blond humans, and I did not see any creatures. It was just me that arrived here. Where exactly is here?” Bilbo scanned the kitchens quickly. “Not Mirkwood – too shiny for that, but I do believe I already stated that fact.”

“Are you insulting my home?” Thranduil asked, a menacing tone lacing his voice. “You did enjoy quite a bit of my hospitality and did not bother to complain then.”

“Hospitality? You call that hospitality? Food was good, I shall grant you that, but the accommodations were a bit sparse,” Bilbo retorted. “Now, where is that confounded Gandalf? I want to get back to my hobbit hole.”

“I am sorry, but the only wizard here is Loki,” Thranduil gestured towards the god of mischief.

Loki bowed. “A pleasure to meet you in person. I must say, the movie did not do you justice.”

“Movie?” Bilbo looked confused.

“Yes, the one where you found the Ring,” Loki explained.

“How do you know…?” Bilbo suddenly disappeared.

“He has THE RING still!” Thranduil crowed. “Bilbo Baggins, show yourself at once! I want that ring. If I have it and take it back, they will recognize me for the great king that I am!”

“What if it was the convergence acting up again, and not the ring?” Tony asked.

“It has to be the Ring. We saw in the movie, and read in those silly books that he has the One Ring,” Thranduil insisted. “Although they did get quite a few things wrong.”

“Wrong? What did they get wrong?” The bookstore ladies had filed into the kitchen to see what was going on. “Tolkien is a great writer, you know. I will agree that PJ didn’t quite follow the books precisely, but…”

“Well, for one, Mirkwood is not such a dark and dreary place. Ask Bilbo if you do not believe me. And Haldir does not die,” Thranduil said.

“I knew it!”

“Maeve, you’ve never read the books. If you had, you’d of known Haldir doesn’t die.”

“But we can’t ask Bilbo, he’s not here.”

“He was, but he just disappeared,” Stark explained.

A loud banging erupted from the closed pantry in the back corner. “Let me out of here!” Bilbo’s voice squeaked.

“Loki?” Sif glared at the god of mischief. “You didn’t… did you?”

“Do what?” Loki asked innocently.

“If you are behind his disappearance, I’ll… I’ll…” Sif struggled to figure out what exactly she would do.

“Kill me?” Loki smirked. “You’re too late. I’m already dead… again, I think. Second time, to be precise. First time was when I fell off the Bifrost, then Kurse stabbed me.”

“But you are here! Worse than a cat with nine lives,” Sif growled.

“Hmmm, he does have the most gorgeous green eyes… just like my kitty cat,” Maeve commented.

“See, some people do like me. Can’t you like me just a little bit, Lady Sif?” Loki put on his most charming smile, his eyes glittering with mischief as he closed in on the raven-haired beauty.

“Get away from me, you oaf. Now, is that Bilbo back there?” Sif pushed him away.

Tony had already opened the pantry door and the hobbit tumbled out covered in flour.

Rising to his feet, Bilbo dusted himself off, sneezing as the flour tickled his nose. He stared up at Thranduil. “How do you know about the Ring?”

“I watched the movie,” the elf king replied bluntly.

“You shall have to explain this movie thing to me, but…” Bilbo was interrupted by loud pounded at the delivery door.

“Now who the hell is that?” Tony asked. He looked at the door. A flash of blond hair appeared in the tiny window. “Pepper?” He raced to the door and pulled it open.

Legolas raced in. “Father!”

“Legolas?” Thranduil stared at his son in astonishment. “How did you get here?”

“I do not know. Gimli and I had just departed Fanghorn Forest to head to Moria…”

“Gimlet?” Loki cut him off. “What is a gimlet?”

“It is a drink; gin and lime juice. You have to try one while you’re here,” Stark replied.

“I seem to recall you still owe me a drink,” Loki reminded him.

“Who is this?” Legolas stared at Loki.

“This is our wizard!” Thranduil said proudly. “I discovered him after the battle, after you took off refusing to return home. But I agree with Loki, who is Gimli?”

“I am Gimli, son of Glóin,” a short, stout figure announced from the open doorway. “This is your father?”

A loud roar sounded from the alleyway. Legolas grabbed Gimli and jerked him into the kitchens. “Beware the oliphaunt!”

Tony peered outside, recognizing the sound at once. “Uh, Legolas… that’s not an oliphaunt… at least I do not believe it is. What is an oliphaunt by the way?”

Thranduil joined him at the door. “No, that is a limo. They are vehicles that convey you around this world. They serve champagne as well. You still have not explained your presence here, with a dwarf no less!”

“Actually, that is not a limo, Thranduil. It is a garbage truck,” Tony corrected the elven king.

The garbage truck screeched to a halt, a hissing sound as the airbrakes released pressure. A loud roar sounded as the front loader lowered to the dumpster in the alley, lifting it up overhead to deposit the contents into the hopper. A bottle of fell out of the dumpster as it tilted overhead. The bottle rolled across the alley to end up at the feet of Thranduil.

The elf retrieved the bottle and held it up. “Really? Are you certain metal man?” The bottle was an empty bottle of brut champagne.

Chapter Text

Author’s Note: I am not going to apologize for the direction this story is taking. Take a deep breath… and laugh! That’s what I am doing as I write it. I’m having just too much fun with this one.

Chapter 13: I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for the A Team

“Trust me, you don’t want to ride around in that,” Stark jerked a thumb towards the garbage truck. “Too smelly.”

Thranduil sniffed, the odor of the garbage starting to permeate into the kitchen. “Perhaps you are correct concerning that.”

Stark walked away, returning to the dining room, muttering under his breath. “Elves… I get stuck with elves… elves that think garbage trucks are limos… and of course a champagne bottle falls out…”

“Sir?” Jarvis’ voice sounded in his ear.

“Nothing, just complaining. Jarvis, any sign of Pepper?”

“I am sorry, but there is no sign of her.”

“Hmmm… can you find Dr. Selvig, or Jane Foster… or anyone from S.H.I.E.L.D. who might be able to figure out this convergence crap?”

“Director Fury, perhaps? He has been trying to reach you for the past hour.”

“I would rather not have any dealings with Mr. Fury if you do not mind,” Loki’s voice interrupted his conversation with Jarvis.

“What? How the hell did you know…” Stark’s voice trailed off as he stared at the god.

Loki simply smirked, not answering. His eyes glittered with mischief.

“And it is Director Fury,” Stark corrected Loki.

“Director, mister… not much difference really,” Loki replied with a shrug of his elegant shoulders then crossing his arms over his chest.

“Never mind. No, Jarvis, not Fury… anyone else you can find?”

“I am sorry. No one seems to be available except Director Fury.”

“Fine, Fury then,” Stark glared at Loki. “You be quiet and I’ll leave you out of this.”

Loki arched one eyebrow sardonically. “Am I supposed to be afraid?”

“I am connecting you to Director Fury through your cell phone, sir,” Jarvis’ voice cut in.

“Stark?” Fury shouted through the phone.

Stark winced. “You don’t need to shout. I can hear you perfectly well. Listen, I’m…”

“No, you listen. What the hell are you up to? I’ve heard reports of an explosion in New York. Is Loki back?” Fury fired the questions rapidly.

Stark looked directly at Loki. “Loki? No, haven’t seen him since he went back to Asgard. Now, listen. I have a problem here…”

“You have a problem? I don’t have time for your problems…”

“Fury, stop! WE have a problem. Do you know where Banner, Selvig, or Jane Foster are? I need to speak to one of them.”

“Why?”

“I have a hobbit, three elves, a dwarf, and warrior princess or two here that don’t belong. I think it has something to do with some sort of convergence… at least that is what one of the warrior princesses is telling me,” Stark replied staring directly at Loki.

If looks could kill, Stark knew he’d be dead right now based on the daggers Loki’s eyes were shooting his way. He grinned in response, knowing he’d gotten under the god’s skin with his snide comments.

“A habit? Seriously? You’re calling me because you’re drunk again… or high? Try the Betty Ford Center; they can help you with kicking any habit you’ve got now. I’ve got problems to deal with. If you can’t tell me what caused that explosion, I’ll send a team over there.”

“NOT a habit, a Hobbit…

“Hobby? I don’t care if you have a hobby. Hill, can you scramble a team to go to Lutece?”

Stark sighed, noticing Loki was snickering at him. “Not a hobby, a hobbit… H-O-B-B-I-T. Hobbit. You know, short dude with furry feet?” He rolled his eyes, putting a hand over his cell phone microphone. “They are sending…” his eyes widened as Loki disappeared and Pepper was standing there.

“A team, I know.” Loki/Pepper replied.

“The A-Team? They are sending the A-Team in to help? OH MY GOD! Girls! This is just too good to be true!” One of the women shrieked. “Dinner with them, and now the A Team!”

“Is my hair okay?”

“Where is my purse? I need my makeup!”

“Stark! What’s going on now?” Fury shouted.

“You just created a fan girl moment. They are expecting the A-Team. I hope you are sending them over.”

“A-team?” Fury’s confusion was evident in his voice.

“Never mind. Listen… back to my problem…”

“I told you, the Betty Ford Clinic could help you with your habit. I’ve got a team heading your way, so be prepared to be up front with them for a change.”

“Right… up front. Tell them to bring… “ The front door crashed open, stopping him mid-sentence. “I think they are here.” Stark stared at the open door, waiting for someone to come in.

“Stand down!” Natasha Romanov was the first to enter, followed closely by Clint Barton.

“Great… just what we didn’t need right now.” Loki/Pepper muttered. Loki suddenly morphed into Tony Stark.

The real Tony just stood there, gaping. “How do you do that?”

“Magic,” Loki/Tony grabbed Stark’s cell phone. “Fury, call your critters off!” Loki/Stark shouted into the phone.

“Critters?”

“Yeah, the spider chick and the birdman,” Loki said, his voice a perfect imitation of Stark’s.

Tony, the real Tony Stark, shook his head. “This ain’t gonna fly. Two of me?”

“No, one of you – me. You are not you,” Loki replied with a grin.

Stark looked down at himself. “What the hell?” He reached out and grabbed a mirror from one woman who was reapplying her makeup. “Gimme that!” He stared into it, shocked to see Pepper’s face staring back.

“Where is she? Do you have her?” Stark raged, grabbing at Loki.

“Tony, really. Can’t you wait till we get back to the apartment?” Loki simpered.

“Hey guys, what’s going on? Fury said there was an explosion or something?” Barton approached them.

“Oh, nothing much. Just a small problem with one of the ovens in here…” Loki started to say. “And Pepper getting a little frisky.”

“Listen. This isn’t what you think,” Stark/Pepper glared at Loki/Stark before continuing. “Something is going on, between the Nine Realms, and I need to find Dr. Selvig or Jane Foster.”

“We have lost contact with both. Dr. Selvig was sighted running around Stonehenge, naked,” Clint stated.

“I know. I tried to find him but he’d disappeared. You mean you guys don’t know where he is either?” Loki/Stark asked.

“Sorry, Fury doesn’t tell us everything. He did mention you had a problem? Needed to go to a clinic?” Natasha looked at Stark not realizing it was Loki.

“No, he misunderstood,” Loki replied, hearing Stark giggling behind him. “Really Pepper, can you not stop giggling?”

“Well, if you two are okay, we need to check out the kitchen…” Natasha’s voice trailed off as first Legolas then Thranduil burst into the dining room, followed closely by the others. “What the hell?”

“Precisely what I was trying to tell Fury,” the real Tony said. “Pepper disappeared and those three showed up.”

“But you are standing right here,” Barton looked suspiciously at Tony/Pepper. “Perhaps both of you need to check into Betty Ford?”

“I am not Pepper Potts. I am…” Pepper’s form suddenly transformed into Loki.

“Loki!” Natasha and Clint shouted at the same time, reaching for their weapons.

“I am NOT Loki! That is Loki!” Tony/Loki pointed at the real Loki, who had disappeared and was now looking like Lt. Templeton Peck from the A-Team. “Oh great… the A-Team… you forgot a few,” Tony quipped.

“That can be easily fixed,” Loki’s fingers snapped and Sif, Tauriel, and Thranduil were transformed into Murdock, Hannibal, and Mr. T respectively.

Thranduil looked down at his new form. “Loki, really? Totally not my color.”

“Father?” Legolas stared at his father incredulously.

“I told you he was Istari,” Mr. T/Thranduil replied.

A flash of bright light exploded in the kitchens. Once the smoke had dissipated, only Natasha was left standing in the room.

Chapter Text

Author’s Notes: Yes, there is definite confusion with the timeline. I’m going to simply attribute it to the Convergence that is happening. So, simply go with the flow… you never know when or where you will show up in this story… or with whom!

Chapter 14: One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor

“Where the hell did everyone go?” Natasha asked to the empty room. She did not expect an answer, so she was surprised when Jarvis’ voice sounded in her ear.

“I am very sorry, Miss Romanov, but I do not know where they went to.”

“Jarvis?”

“Indeed. I think it has something to do with what Mr. Loki called the convergence,” Jarvis responded.

“Convergence? Wasn’t Selvig onto something about that? Or Jane Foster?”

“Yes, shall I try to find them? I do believe they are still on Earth somewhere.”

“Yes. Wait… no!” Natasha shouted. “Get me Fury first.”

“Romanov! Report!” Fury wasted no time on pleasantries. “Is the problem contained?”

Natasha looked around the empty kitchen. “I guess you could say so.”

“You guess?” Fury’s voice shouted through the transmitter, causing Natasha to wince.

“I can hear you, you don’t need to shout.”

“What happened? Is the issue contained?” Fury asked.

“You could say that. It’s all quiet here now, boss,” Natasha grinned as she considered the situation.

“So, put Stark on. Why isn’t he answering?” Fury demanded to know.

“He’s not here. I’m… I’m not sure where he is. Jarvis can’t find him either. Do you know where Jane Foster is? Or Dr. Selvig?”

o~O~o

Stark groaned and rolled over. He found himself face-to-face with Bilbo, his lips almost touching Bilbo’s. He pushed him away roughly. “Did anyone kiss me? What happened? Where are we?”

“We are back in Middle Earth, and be quiet you fool!” Thranduil hissed. “We are standing near the gates of Mordor, NOT a nice place.”

“Back in Middle Earth?” Bilbo squeaked, jumping to his feet.

Thranduil looked skyward at the noise from these two of his companions. He then searched the area to see who exactly who were his companions. There was no sign of the hoard of women who’d been at the dinner and no sign of Legolas. He conveniently ignored any thought of the dwarf who had been with his son. Sif, Tauriel, and the man with the bow were also missing. Loki appeared from behind an outcropping of rock.

“I take it this Mordor is not a nice place?” Loki asked quietly.

Thranduil shook his head. “It has been relatively quiet for many years… until lately. Something has stirred up that which once lived here. I wish I knew what. Where is Gandalf when you need him?”

“Right behind you,” Gandalf appeared. “Though I know not how I arrived here. I was on the borders of the Shire, taking leave of Frodo and his companions.”

“Gandalf!” Bilbo shouted, racing over to hug his friend, although his short stature meant that he really was hugging the wizard around the knees.

“Bilbo Baggins. Now, how did you end up here? At the Gates of Mordor?” Gandalf asked. “I wonder if the ring has anything to do with this.”

Bilbo reached into his pockets, his eyes going wide. “It’s gone Gandalf!”

“Gone?” Gandalf looked surprised. “Of course it is gone, you gave it to Frodo and he destroyed it.” He then noticed Loki, instantly recognizing a man with magical powers. “And who are you?”

“Loki, of Asgard.”

“Asgard? Hmmmm… I’ve not heard of that before…” Gandalf stroked his beard as he spoke.

“I believe the convergence has a lot to do with all of this,” Loki explained.

“The convergence?” Gandalf stared at him.

Loki shrugged. “That is what my brother was discussing, before I… died, sort of.”

“One does not sort of die,” Gandalf lifted his bushy eyebrows at Loki’s comment, inspecting the Asgardian closely.

Loki grinned. “Apparently, I do.”

“Loki is Istari; he knows magic. Do you not know him?” Thranduil asked.

“Cannot say that I have met him, but I think I understand your reference to death now, if you are indeed Istari, for I, too, have ‘sort of’ died,” Gandalf referenced his fall at Moria.

Bilbo suddenly noticed that Gandalf was dressed all in white. “What happened, you are no longer Gandalf the Grey?"

“Indeed, Mr. Baggins. I am now Gandalf the White.” Gandalf lifted his arms to spread his cloak out fully.

“What, did your laundry?” Stark quipped.

“And who are you?” Gandalf addressed Stark.

“Tony Stark, genius, billionaire, philanthropist, former playboy… that is if I can find Pepper again. And is that really Mordor?” He pointed towards black plains.

“Yes, well, rather it was Mordor, until it was destroyed when the One Ring was thrown into Mount Doom,” Gandalf replied.

“Rather bleak place, could use a little color,” Stark commented.

“Yes, well… all in good time, my friend,” Gandalf replied.

“Speaking of time, if Mordor is destroyed, what year is it?” Thranduil asked.

“It is 3019 if you are working in the Third Age, or the first year of the Fourth Age now that Aragorn has been crowned King. Your son, Legolas, was very helpful,” Gandalf replied. “The Age of Men, my time has come to an end.” He glanced at Loki, curiously.

“Sorry, my life is just beginning. Still young, although if Odin would have it, my time would be at an end.” Loki smirked.

“Where is my son? Have you seen him? We were just with him on Earth,” Thranduil inquired.

“Earth?” Gandalf looked confused. “This is Middle Earth and he was last seen at the city of Gondor with the dwarf Gimli with whom he has become great friends.”

“I saw the dwarf!” Thranduil snarled. “They cannot be friends.”

Gandalf laughed. “I do not believe you can control that, my lord. Now, sitting at the Gate of Mordor is not precisely my idea of a good place to be. I suggest we find a more congenial place.”

“I would say if we wait long enough, we will find ourselves somewhere else soon enough,” Loki commented.

o~O~o

“Where the hell are we?” Barton groaned as he rose from the ground. He looked around, seeing only Legolas standing there.

“I do not know this place,” Legolas replied.

“Well, that’s really helpful. How did we get here?” Barton asked.

“Probably the same way I ended up in your kitchens.”

‘Those were not my kitchens. We were sent in to clean up the mess you guys made,” Barton snapped.

“I did not have anything to do with that mess as you call it. I had just arrived,” Legolas retorted.

“Boys! Calm down!”

The two whirled around, to see a woman standing there.

“Who the hell are you?” Barton asked.

“Funny you should say that.” The woman smiled seductively. “My, aren’t you two lovely? But, welcome to Hel. I was expecting Loki, but you two will do… quite charming.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 15: Children These Days, Really!

“Any clue where the others went?” Stark asked as they searched through the gatehouse for any sign of the others.

Loki shrugged. “Who knows? I just hope when the convergence stops bouncing us around, I am somewhere pleasant.”

“Define pleasant,” Stark said as he glanced around at their bleak surroundings.

“Actually, I do not find this place quite so bad, especially compared to the other places I’ve been to recently. Let’s see…” Loki tapped one finger. “New York, not too fond of me…” tapping the next finger, “Asgard – they had me in prison, I would prefer to not return there…” tapping his ring finger, “Jotunheim,” he shook his head, “definitely not there considering I killed their king.” He glanced out at Mordor’s empty plains. “This place is looking quite promising. They could use a ruler here it appears, needs a little decorating I’ll admit, but I could deal with that. Thranduil? Would you consider me for a neighbor?”

Thranduil nodded. “Cannot be any worse than what has resided here already. You would have to promise not to breed any orcs though.”

Loki frowned. “Those ugly things I met when I first arrived? Not a problem. Perhaps we would entice some people to come live here… I could get a garden going, open a nice library… I love books. What do you think?”

“A library?” Thranduil nodded. “I think the King of Gondor would approve. Gandalf? Who did you say was King again?”

“Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and he has married Elrond’s daughter Arwen,” Gandalf replied.

Thranduil rolled his eyes. “Seriously? She married him? She could have had my son… that would have been a much better match.”

“I do not believe she ever considered Legolas, my lord.”

“Foolish girl,” Thranduil snorted.

~o~O~o

“Lady Sif?” Heimdall’s booming voice woke her up.

Sif’s eyelids fluttered open. Blinking, she stared up into Heimdall’s familiar face. “At last! I am home!” She sat up, looking around to see who else had returned with her, seeing only Tauriel lying on the floor.

“Who is your friend?” Heimdall asked.

“Tauriel, she is an elf from Middle Earth, the Tenth Realm,” Sif replied. Seeing Heimdall’s confused look, she grinned. “I’ll explain later.”

Tauriel stirred, sitting up she glanced around the Bifrost chambers. “Not bad, I could handle this place… do you know where we are?”

“Home! At least for me.” Sif’s gaze swept the room once more. “Did any of the others arrive?”

“Others?” Heimdall asked.

“Loki? Thranduil? Stark? Pepper…” Sif named off a few names, the paused. She glanced over at Tauriel. “What was that little guy’s name? The one that showed up with the other elf?”

“Bilbo, and the other elf was Thranduil’s son, Legolas,” Tauriel answered.

“Sif, I am afraid you must not have heard the news, but Loki is dead. He died helping Thor,” Heimdall spoke solemnly.

“Oh no, that trickster is still alive and kicking. I saw him on Midgard just minutes ago,” Sif asserted.

“Loki is alive? You are certain of this?”

Heimdall’s head jerked towards the window of the Universe. “I believe I know where this Legolas is.”

“Where? The two women asked simultaneously.

“Hel,” Heimdall stated. “With a Midgardian, one of Thor’s friends from the Avengers.”

“Stark?” Sif asked.

“No, Stark is not there.”

“Where is Tony?” Pepper’s voice suddenly sounded in the room. “And how the hell did I get here?”

~o~O~o~

Bilbo appeared in the room. “I fear there is no food here,” he said glumly.

Gandalf laughed. “Leave it to a hobbit to think of his stomach.”

“Well, it is well past second breakfast, and I cannot remember the last time I ate,” Bilbo retorted.

Thranduil looked to Loki. “Unless you can conjure up some food, I fear the hobbit is correct. We shall need to find some food.”

“Well, I suppose…”

A flash of light sparked in the room.

Bilbo was the first to note that Loki and Thranduil were gone. “Well, that was rather rude of them.”

“They forgot me!” Stark shouted, then a second flash of light appeared … and he was gone.

“Well, that as they say, is that,” Bilbo huffed, looking around his cozy hobbit hole. “Oh my. I am home. Excellent… now, let’s see about that second breakfast.”

~o~O~o~

“Barton!” Stark’s gaze landed on the archer the instant he appeared. “Where the hell are we?”

“Bingo! That is exactly where we are, Hel!” Barton said through clenched teeth. “And that is Hela, Loki’s daughter,” he jerked his head up towards the woman in question.

Hela was currently focusing her attention on Legolas, fingering his long hair, but had a firm grip on Barton.

“Hel? Hela?” Stark was confused. “Loki has a daughter?”

“Oh, yeah. And she makes Loki look sane. I would suggest staying as far away from her as you can,” Barton replied as he squirmed to escape Hela’s grasp.

Hela finally realized what they were saying. “You know my father?”

A sparkling shimmer appeared off to Stark’s right. “Oh, great. Now we have Tinker Bell?”

“Sorry to disappoint you. Hope you weren’t waiting on this Tinker person,” Loki said as the shimmering effect dissipated and left him and Thranduil standing there.

“Tinker Bell, and no, not really. Unless she brought Peter Pan with her and we could all fly away,” Stark said sarcastically. He jerked his chin towards Hela. “Is that really your daughter?”

Loki looked at Hela and nodded.

“Daddy!” Hela smiled. “What are you doing here?” Her eyes darted around, trying to figure out how she might hide the two archers before he saw them. Grabbing them both, she pushed them behind her.

“Who do you have now that doesn’t belong here?” Loki asked.

“I didn’t bring them, they just showed up, all on their own,” Hela defended herself. “But can I keep them? They are so cute!”

Loki crossed his arms over his chest. “No, you may not keep them. Now send them back to where ever you got them.”

“But I didn’t bring them here, they just appeared… like you… and those two… “ Her eyes landed on Thranduil. “Oooh… daddy… can I keep that one instead?”

“Absolutely not!” Loki said firmly. “We will all be gone shortly… I think.”

“You think?” Hela looked at him curiously.

“I will explain later. Now, let them go,” Loki repeated.

“Fine,” Hela released the two archers who quickly scrambled far away from her.

“This is your daughter? You never mentioned you had children,” Thranduil commented.

“Well, I do have one or two…” Loki replied.

“And one is a horse!” Hela retorted, angry that she had been told to release the two archers.

“A horse?” Stark barely contained his laughter. “You have a horse for a kid?”

“Let’s not go there, shall we?” Loki said, glaring at Hela. “That was another, um… life.”

“Like your multiple deaths?” Stark asked with a grin.

“Right,” Loki readily agreed, hoping they would drop the topic.

“Interesting,” Thranduil mused.

“So, now that we’ve covered that topic, can I keep these daddy? Please?” Hela pleaded, getting back to her main focus.

Loki rolled his eyes. “Children these days!”

“I know precisely what you mean. Mine could have married Elrond’s daughter, but no… had to go and make friends with a dwarf. A dwarf! Can you believe it?” Thranduil replied.

Author's note: There are several differing opinions about Hela's parentage, although in the myths, she is Loki's daughter. I wasn't sure if I was going to go that way, but as I wrote this chapter... it just worked. I have to thank one of my reviewers for asking this question – it prompted the idea for the chapter. If you've read my Infinity series, I don't specify her parentage in that one for various reasons. There I leave it up to the reader to decide.

Chapter Text

Chapter 16: There and Back Again… and again… and again…

“Daddy, please?” Hela said in her most winning voice. It had always worked before.

“I said, no. You cannot keep them. They need to go back, they are not pets,” Loki replied.

“But they are so cute and cuddly. I need something to keep me warm at night,” Hela pleaded.

Loki simply lifted his eyebrows; not bothering to point out that the temperature in Hel was considerably warm.

“Fine!” Hela stomped her foot. “Next time you show up here, I’m keeping you! You will not get to go back like you have the last two times… or is it three now? You are worse than one of those silly cats you like.”

“Leave my felines out of this…”

Loki disappeared before he could finish his sentence.

“Daddy?” Hela stared at the spot where Loki had been standing. “Where did he go?”

Thranduil shrugged. “I am sure we will find out, eventually. Either he will return, or …”

And Thranduil was gone.

Hela grinned, licking her lips as she looked at Legolas and Barton.

“Um, honey, I think your dad said you couldn’t keep them,” Stark interrupted her thoughts.

“Oh, you’re still here. Well, daddy isn’t, so he cannot stop…”

Hela was gone.

“Great… we’re left here,” Stark mumbled, then he realized he was back in the kitchens of Lutece. “How the hell…”

“Stark!” Fury barked the instant he appeared. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Would you believe Hel?” Stark quipped.

“No!” Fury bellowed.

“How about Mordor then?” Stark offered.

“Sir! You have returned!” Jarvis’ voice sounded in Stark’s ear.

“So it would seem,” Stark replied. “Any sign of Miss Potts?”

“Indeed, she is in the sitting room. She appeared about twenty minutes ago.”

“Excellent, I will be right there,” Stark pointed one finger at the S.H.I.E.L.D. director. “Hold that thought.” He activated his suit and flew off.

“Where the hell did he go now?” Fury shouted, staring at the door Stark and just flown out.

“Home?” Natasha suggested.

“He just left Hel,” a voice behind spoke up. “So I doubt that he went there.”

“Loki?” Fury whirled around, staring at the god of mischief. “Is this your doing?”

“I wish… unfortunately I have no control over what is happening.” Loki grinned.

“Who the hell are you?” Fury demanded, noticing another figure had appeared.

“I am Thranduil. Are you humans always so rude?” the elven king asked.

“Ah, Thranduil. Glad you could join me. Shall we repair to somewhere a bit less… ah… noisy?” Loki asked.

“You two are going nowhere! Romanov, secure them!” Fury shouted.

“Uh, boss. I don’t think that is a good idea,” Natasha replied, shaking her head.

“I’m going to agree with the lady. I believe she is correct,” Loki smiled. “Now, I do hate to disappoint you, but we really must leave. Dinner appears to not be on the menu tonight.” He glanced around at the ruined kitchen. “Rather a mess. Thranduil, shall we go find something to eat, although it appears we have lost our entourage.”

“Perhaps we can find another, those ladies were much nicer than this fellow. I wonder, is the limo still out there?” Thranduil carefully stepped around a pile of food on the floor.

“Only one way to find out,” Loki followed him, pausing in the doorway to look back at Fury. “Ta-ta!”

“LOKI!”

~o~O~o~

Barton groaned. The ground was cold and hard. Pushing himself up, he looked around. He shook his head. They clearly were not in Hel anymore. This place was freezing. His eyes fell on the other archer… and some new arrivals!

“Legolas! Wake up!” Barton toed the blond elf.

Legolas groaned. “Where are we now?” He rose, his eyes widening as he noticed the advancing group. “What are those?”

“I was hoping you’d know,” Barton replied.

“I have no memory of this place,” Legolas said, his voice sounding rather wistful.

“I don’t think those dudes are friendly,” Barton commented. “Can you use that thing you’re wearing, or is it just a chick magnet?”

“Chick magnet?” Legolas looked at Barton, confusion clearly evident on his face.

Barton rolled his eyes. “The bow and arrow… can you use it?”

“Why would I carry it if I could not use it?”

“Well, I sure hope you can, as these dudes definitely don’t look friendly!”

The tall forms were closing in on the two archers. Barton and Legolas each took a stance with their backs to the other. Simultaneously, they drew an arrow and prepared their bows.

A roar erupted from their attackers, to be answered by a volley of arrows.

“Three!” Legolas’ voice rang out.

“No, I got that one,” Barton retorted. “We’re even at two.”

More arrows flew from their bows, felling several more of the attackers, but as they fell, others quickly replaced them.

“Seriously, what do these dudes want?” Barton grumbled. “Now would be a good time for that thing that is whisking us all over the universe to move us again.

A rainbow shimmer appeared, and seconds later Mjölnir came flying out of the effect striking the closest of the approaching enemy.

“Barton!” Thor’s voice sounded joyfully as Mjölnir flew back into his hands.

“Thor?” Barton stared at the other Avenger.

“What are you doing on Jotunheim?” Thor asked, tossing Mjölnir back towards the group closing in.

“Is that what this freezer is called? And these are Yodelhummers?” Barton readied his bow, aiming at another enemy.

“No, Frost Giants.”

“How did you find me?” Barton asked as he released an arrow at the nearest Frost Giant.

“I had just returned to Asgard, and Heimdall said there was something still going on with the convergence and you were sent here. I thought you might require some help. Who is your friend?” Thor nodded towards the elf.

“Ah, that’s Legolas.”

Thor frowned. “Legolas? Like from the movie we watched a few weeks ago?”

“Yeah, only the real deal.” Barton loosed another arrow. “Six!” he crowed.

“You have fallen far behind me with your idle chatter, I am at twelve,” Legolas bantered.

“Twelve? Damn!” Barton swore.

“Are you two having fun? I can come back later,” Thor offered.

“Uh, no. But you can take us wherever you came from… if you can that is,” Barton replied.

“But of course!” Thor grabbed an arm of each archer in one of his huge hands. Lifting Mjölnir to the sky, he shouted for Heimdall. Seconds later, they were surrounded by the Bifrost effect and were whisked away.

“Where are we now?” Legolas asked looking around the ornate chamber they had arrived in.

“Welcome to Asgard,” Heimdall’s booming voice greeted them. “I see you have found them, my lord.”

“Indeed!” Thor grinned. He stared curiously at Legolas. “Who is he really?”

“I told you, he’s the real deal… a real elf, from Middle Earth.”

“Mirkwood actually,” Legolas corrected him.

“But, that is just a tale, from a book,” Thor stated.

“I am not from a book,” Legolas countered.

“No, he showed up in the kitchens when Fury sent us in…”

“Quit pretending that this is an elf from Middle Earth. It is most likely one of those costume people you have on Earth,” Thor replied.

Legolas stared at Thor like he had two heads. “Costume people? I fear you are wrong. I am Legolas of the Woodland Realm. My father is Thranduil, and I have recently aided in the defeat of Sauron and seen the destruction of the One Ring!”

It was now Thor’s turn to stare at the elf. “You really believe that?”

“Thor, he’s telling the truth. And Loki…”

“Loki is dead!” Thor interrupted his friend. “He has been dead for close to a year. Do not toy with me.”

“Uh, buddy. I’m sorry to break this to you, but your brother is very much alive.” Barton glared at Thor. “Don’t go telling me I didn’t see what I saw, and I saw your brother arguing with his daughter about trying to keep us.”

“He is correct. It appears he and my father met up in Middle Earth. He was talking about something called the convergence,” Legolas explained.

“But I saw him die…” Thor suddenly picked up on something Barton said. “His daughter? You’ve met Hela?”

“Yes, and she wanted to keep us, like we were kitties or something,” Barton spat. “That woman is as crazy as her dad!”

“Loki is not crazy. He is my brother!” Thor roared. “And you say he is still alive?”

“He’s right, Legolas is really from Middle Earth and Loki is alive,” Sif’s confirmed.

Thor whirled to see the Lady Sif standing in the entrance, a female elf standing at her side.

Chapter Text

Chapter 17: Fit for a King

“What madness is this? And who are you?” Thor stared at the two women as he fired questions at all of them. “Loki is alive? How can that be? And where or rather how did you encounter Hela?”

“I am Tauriel of Mirkwood, my lord,” Tauriel answered the one question directed at her.

“I told you, we ran into that nutcase chick in Hel I think it was. At least that is what Loki said. How he’s alive… I don’t have a clue. Last I saw, you brought him back here to face judgment for his actions. How did he get out?” Barton asked.

“He… rather I let him out. I asked him to aid me in defeating Malekith,” Thor replied. “But I saw him die on Svartalfheim, he was stabbed. He died in my arms.”

“Thor, I don’t care what you saw on Spartanhelm, but Loki is alive and kicking,” Barton sighed.

“Svartalfheim,” Thor corrected him.

“Smartville, Partsville… who cares?” Barton threw up his arms.

“I would imagine the residents of Svartalfheim care,” Tauriel interjected.

“No one lives there anymore,” Sif said. “So what happened with the Aether?”

Thor looked at her strangely. “It was destroyed, did you forget?”

“Last time I saw you…”

Sif was gone.

“Sif?” Thor stared at the spot where she’d been standing.

“I know. This has been one helluva crazy day. Can you just send me back home through that thing?” Barton gestured towards the Bifrost chamber.

“Indeed, that can be arranged…” Thor’s voice trailed off as he realized he was no longer in the Bifrost chamber. He looked around, discovering that he was alone. Or, at least the thought he was alone.

“Hello, handsome,” Hela’s voice purred. “Come to rescue me, or take me back to Hel? I do hope those gorgeous bowmen are still there, unless you brought them with you.” She licked her lips as she looked behind him. Her face fell as she realized Thor was the only one there.

“Hela?” Thor stared at his brother’s daughter. “Where are we and why do you need to be rescued?”

“I have no clue where we are. I was talking to all my new friends when I suddenly appeared here.” She glanced around. They were standing in a forest.

“Heimdall!” Thor shouted.

“Doesn’t work, I already tried. I don’t think he knows about this place,” Hela sighed. “We may be stuck here.”

“Great…”

~o~O~o~

“Where did he go?” Barton shouted.

Tauriel shrugged… then disappeared along with Heimdall.

~o~O~o~

Loki and Thranduil exited the restaurant only to discover the limo was not waiting for them. In fact, they were no longer in New York. They exchanged glances, and then turned to look around. They were standing in the middle of a street with revelers walking past them. No one paid them any notice, even though they were back to wearing their original garments.

“Well, that was interesting. All we did was walk out the door,” Loki commented.

“I wonder where we are now?” Thranduil asked. “And how did we change?”

“Good question. Well, we are definitely still in Midgard,” Loki began as he realized most of the people passing them were human. “We seem to have arrived in the midst of some celebration.”

Coins and strands of beads were flying through the air. Loki looked up to discover throngs of people standing upon balconies looking down at all the people in the street.

“You gotta tell me how you done did that trick! It was like you jus’ appeared outta nowhere!” A man’s voice spoke up from behind them.

Thranduil put his hand to his sword hilt as he whirled around. Loki just smiled, slowly turning to face the man. He chuckled. “Ah, it is rather a good trick, is it not?” As he looked the man over, he discovered he was an elderly gentleman.

“You boys are a bit early for Mardi Gras, but Saturdays are always good for a party down here on Bourbon Street,” the man said.

“Mighty Gray? Is that what you call Gandalf here?” Thranduil asked.

“Gander? Ain’t no geese down here, boys. No, I was just sayin’ as how it be a bit early for Mardi Gras.” The old man peered at them. “You ain’t from aroun’ here, are you?”

Loki shook his head. “No, we just arrived.” He eyed the man closely, noting the old clothes he was wearing barely covered up how thin he was. “I shall tell you how I do that trick over a meal.”

“Hungry?” The man looked at them, a gleam appearing in his eyes.

The elf and the god exchanged a look. Thranduil nodded. “A meal would be pleasant, if it is good.”

The elderly man slapped his thigh. “I’d be right pleased to join ya and learn that trick. Com’on, follow me. We’ll go get us a meal fit for a king!”

“I should hope so since I am a king,” Thranduil replied.

“Yer a king?” The man’s jaw dropped. “I don’t believe it for a second, but if ya wanna say yer a king, then you can be king for a day for all I care. S’long as ya buy me a meal, that is.”

“We shall most certainly do so, but I suggest we move on. The guards are approaching,” Loki pointed out the mounted police that were slowly moving through the crowd towards them.

“Damn!” the man exclaimed. “Com’on. Let’s get outta here.”

“Walter?” one of the mounted police officers shouted towards them. “You aren’t trying to con these gentlemen, are you?”

“No, indeed he is not. We have invited him to join us for dinner, on the basis that he selects a fine establishment for us,” Loki replied.

“Well, that’s right nice of you, sir. He usually tries to steal most folk’s money outright. You watch your wallet, you understand?” The officer pulled his horse to a stop in front of Loki.

“Indeed, I shall. We are from out of town and asked him for a recommendation. Perhaps you might suggest some place?” Loki asked.

“Antoine’s,” Walter piped up. “I was taking them to Antoine’s. An’ I know someone that can get us in.”

The officer chuckled. “I’ll bet you do, Walter. Well, make sure you don’t take more than a free meal from these men.”

Walter nodded.

The officer nudged his horse and moved on. He’d gone a few steps, then paused and looked back. “And make sure you take them to Café du Monde for some beignets afterwards.”

As they walked down the street, Walter paused for a moment. “Since you boys be new to Naw’leans, I’ll bet ya ain’t ever had a hurricane before, have ya?”

“A hurricane?” Loki asked.

“Yep, best damn drink in town. We’ll stop at Pat O’Brien’s first and get one,” Walter led them down a side street. They entered through an alleyway and walked towards a garden setting. Tables and chairs were filled with people laughing and chattering, each with a huge glass of red drinks in front of them.

“Three?” A waiter asked as he approached them

“Yep, three of us,” Walter responded.

“This way.” The waiter led them to a small white iron table. “Hurricanes I assume?”

“Three of them,” Walter ordered.

Minutes later, three frosty glasses filled with the red beverage were placed on the table in front of them.

Loki took a sip of his. “Interesting, a bit sweet, but not bad.”

Thranduil tried his. “I still like the champagne better, but it will do.”

Walter drank his eagerly. “If you want, you can keep the glasses, but they charge extra,” he warned them.

“I do not believe we shall need the glasses,” Loki replied.

Their waiter appeared as they finished their drinks. “Another round, boys?”

“No, these were fine. We do not wish to keep the glasses either,” Thranduil replied.

The waiter handed them the bill. Loki peered at it, then handed him the credit card he still had of Stark’s. The waiter read the name. “You know Tony Stark?”

“Yes, we, ah… work for him,” Loki responded.

“I’ll be right back, sir!” The waiter took off. He returned a few minutes later. “You’re all taken care of.”

They left to continue their way to the restaurant, reaching Antoine’s only to discover a long line of people waiting to get in.

“Well, perhaps we need to go somewhere else,” Thranduil said. “Another of those hurricanes might not be so bad.”

“Indeed not!” Walter grinned. “But I told you I know someone here. You wait right here, I’ll be back in a sec.” He took off around the corner towards the back of the restaurant.

“I wonder if he will disappear?” Thranduil asked.

“It seems to have settled down, at least for the moment. I do wonder where everyone else is?” Loki replied.

“Loki? Thranduil?”

Chapter Text

Chapter 18: Laissez les bon temps roulez

Loki whirled around at the sound of Tauriel’s voice. His eyes narrowed as the figure he saw was not of the slender she-elf, but was the tall guardian of the Bifrost – Heimdall!

Tauriel stepped around Heimdall. “Do you know where we are now?”

Loki ignored her, peering around Heimdall. “You didn’t bring Thor along with, did you?”

Heimdall searched the immediate area. “He appears to have not come with us, although how we arrived here, I do not know.”

“I’m beginning to wonder myself. At first I thought it was the convergence, but it’s messing with time as well as place,” Loki replied.

“The convergence occurred over a year ago,” Heimdall stated.

“Precisely. When I first woke up, it was right after the convergence, at least from what I could gather from Lady Sif. Now it seems to have moved time forward a year. Of course, that could have happened when I was in Middle Earth,” Loki explained.

“Oh,” Walter appeared out of the front door of the restaurant. “You found some new friends?” He stared curiously at Tauriel and Heimdall.

“Not new, Tauriel is one of my guards,” Thranduil spoke up.

“And Heimdall is also a guard… interesting. I wonder if there is any reason for that?” Loki mused.

“Well, I got us a table, and I’m sure they can find a few chairs to pull up for your guards. Let’s go in,” Walter gestured towards the door.

~o~O~o~

“Sir?” Jarvis’ voice interrupted Tony’s reunion with Pepper.

“This better be important,” Tony growled, setting down his champagne glass.

“I believe I have located Loki,” Jarvis said.

“Really? Where?”

“New Orleans. There has been a charge to your credit card at Pat O’Brien’s.”

“Great, he’s drinking hurricanes,” Tony said. He looked at Pepper. “They should be fine, right?”

“In New Orleans? Loki? That sounds like a dangerous combination to me. Toss in a few hurricanes…” Pepper raised her eyebrows as she answered. “Why don’t we both go? We can take the jet? I could use a min-vacation.”

“If chasing down an Asgardian god is a vacation…” Tony quipped.

“Shall I have the jet readied?” Jarvis asked.

“Yeah, sounds like we’re taking a vacation. I wonder if the elf King is still with him. Say, wasn’t that song we heard at the Met recently? The Elven King? ” Tony started humming a tune.

“I believe you are thinking of ‘In the Hall of the Mountain King’, from Peer Gynt by Grieg. And yes, we did hear that recently. Excellent performance,” Pepper replied. “Come to think of it, that piece does fit this adventure. It was quiet until Loki showed up.”

“Hmmm, are we at the end of the song then you think?” Tony asked.

“We can only hope,” Pepper grinned. “I’ll go pack.”

~o~O~o~

“See, I told ya they’d be able to find a few extra seats,” Walter said as settled in at their table.

Loki picked up the menu and scanned it. “Interesting, do you have any specific recommendations?”

Their waiter approached. Overhearing Loki, he offered a suggestion. “If I may, I would suggest starting with the Crevettes remoulade or the Ecrevisses Cardinal. Two of my personal favorites.”

Loki flipped to the appetizers sections in the menu; reading the description, he nodded. “Any objections?”

“As long as it goes with champagne,” Thranduil said, then looked at the waiter. “Do you have champagne?”

“But of course!” The waiter smiled. “Shall I bring that while you decide?”

Walter took charge. “Go ahead with the order for the appetizers. We can decide on the rest while you take care of that. And mind you, only the best for my friends.”

“Is that acceptable with everyone?” Loki asked.

“Well, as long as it does not eat me before I eat it, I’m good with it,” Tauriel said.

Heimdall simply nodded.

Two hours later, they all leaned back in their seats.

“That was excellent!” Thranduil commented.

“Humans do have a few redeeming features. Apparently cooking is one of them,” Loki replied, finishing off his drink.

“Well, I hopes y’all left some room for dessert. Gotta have beignet while you’re in Naw’lins,” Walter piped up.

“What is a beignet?” Tauriel asked.

Walter just grinned. “You’ll see.”

They left the restaurant and entered back into the streets of the city. “Lead on, Sir Walter!” Loki exclaimed.

The streets were now packed with revelers for the evening, but they all moved aside for Loki and his group. The sight of Heimdall, brining up the rear, was sufficient for most to not even think about bothering them.

“How comes you both have guards?” Walter asked as they walked down Bourbon Street.

“Technically, Heimdall is not my guard, he is Asgard’s,” Loki replied.

Two ladies were standing outside one of the bars holding drinks. They took one look at Loki and Thranduil and giggled. “Hello handsome and more handsome!”

Tauriel rolled her eyes. “Not again! Ladies, leave us alone.”

“Honey, they belong to you?” The blonde asked.

“No, I mean, yes. I am one of the guards to King Thranduil,” Tauriel stepped behind Thranduil.

“King?” The redhead eyed Thranduil. “You can be my king, honey. Come to momma.” She latched onto his arm. “I’ll show you what it means to be a king.”

“You are not my mother,” Thranduil stared at the woman.

“Definitely not your mother. Hair color is all wrong,” Loki laughed. “She’s red and you are so not.”

“True,” Thranduil gently tried to disengage himself from the woman.

“Honey, you don’t know what you’re missing,” the redhead somehow managed to drape herself over the elf-king. She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Come on, I can show you a good time.”

Walter whistled sharply. The blonde elbowed him. “What you trying to do? Call the cops?”

“Yeah, now get yourselfs out of here. We don’t need none of your kind,” he glanced at the men. “Do we?”

“Do we what?”

“Uh, well, these gals… what they want… Ummm… they are…” Walter stammered.

“What he’s trying to say, we can show you a good time for a bit of money, got it?” the blonde explained as she pulled the top of her blouse down exposing her breasts. “See, you can have this and more.”

“Woo hoo!” a man shouted from a balcony overhead. A strand of beads came flying down, landing on the blonde’s head. She grinned up at the guy.

“Interested? If not, looks like he might be,” the blonde smiled up at the man on the balcony.

“Come on up, honey!” the guy downed his beer. “I’ll show ya a good time, those dudes are stuffed shirts!”

“Well?” the blonde asked.

“Perhaps later,” Loki replied with a smirk.

The redhead huffed. “Stuffed shirts is right. Probably gay. Come on, Maeve, let’s go check out those boys up there.” The two ladies took off.

“Are all residents of this city like that?” Loki asked Walter as they ladies left.

“No, just the hookers, now let’s go get them beignets I promised you all,” Walter said, as he turned right at the corner.

Chapter Text

Chapter 19: Do You Believe in Magic… in an Elf King’s Heart?

The strange group walked down the center of Bourbon Street after disentangling themselves from the lovely ladies of the evening.

“’Scuse me just a sec,” Walter said, taking off towards a shop. “Gotta get me some smokes.”

“Smokes?” Thranduil asked, watching as the elderly man darted into a store. “As in pipes?”

Loki shrugged. “Possible. I am not too certain of all the customs of this place.”

“Interesting, the hobbits are rather fond of pipeweed…” Thranduil glanced curiously at Loki. “As are the wizards.”

Loki held his hands up. “Not me.”

Loud music blared out of the building they were passing, and crowds of people were staring through the windows and doors. A man at the door kept repeating, “Cover is only $5, come on in boys. We got topless and bottomless!”

Tauriel stared at the man, clearly confused. She cocked her head to one side. “Topless and bottomless?”

“Hey, sister!” The man shouted at her. “You can come in for free. See something you’ve not seen since you took a shower this morning!” He leered at her.

Tauriel, being taller than most of the humans, was able to peer into the darkened room. She backed off, shaking her head. “No, thank you.”

Thranduil looked curiously at her. “Well?”

“He meant naked women,” she replied.

Thranduil frowned. “Who would wish to see naked humans? They are bad enough as it is.”

Loki laughed. “I agree completely. Let us continue walking. Walter can catch up with us. I am certain we shall not be too difficult to find in this crowd.” His gaze swept up at the tall Heimdall.

They hadn’t walked more than ten feet before another man accosted them. “Hey! Welcome to Naw’lins! Bet I can tell you somethin’ you didn’t know. I’m a magic man.”

“Magic man?” Thranduil looked at him skeptically, then shot a look at Loki.

Loki grinned in reply. “This might be interesting.”

“Yep! It shore will be interestin’!” The man replied. His gaze swept down to the ground, staring at their feet. He looked up at Loki. “I’ll bet I can tell ya where ya got yer boots at!”

“Really? A bet?” Loki smiled, certain the man had never even heard of Asgard. “And if you do?”

“Well, let’s say five dollars says I can tell ya where you got yer boots,” the man said with a grin.

“Five dollars? Hmmm, that seems fair,” Loki replied. “So tell me, where did I get my boots?”

The man cackled with glee. “Hee hee… not get yer boots, got yer boots. You got yer boots on Bourbon Street!” He pointed down towards Loki feet. “Get it?”

Loki threw back his head and laughed, enjoying the play on words. “Well, it seems I owe you five dollars…” He thought quickly. All he had was the plastic card… the what was it called… Credit card, yes that was it. He doubted that the man would want that. A sly grin appeared on his face. He bent down and picked up an empty plastic cup someone had discarded in the streets. He handed it to the man. “Here you go.”

The man frowned. “Is this some kinda trick?”

“No, you shall find your money in there,” Loki replied.

The man peered in the cup, his eyes widening in surprise as he extracted not one five-dollar bill, but several!

“How…?” the man’s jaw dropped as he stared at his newfound wealth.

“Magic,” Loki replied.

“Charlie!” Walter scurried up to them. “You ain’t been conning my new friends, have you?”

Mouth still open, Charlie turned to Walter. “Did ya see this?” He held out the cup filled with bills. “He picked up a piece of garbage an’ there was money in it!”

“What did you do?” Walter stared hard at his friend.

“I just asked him where he got his boots at,” Charlie admitted. “He accepted the bet. Didn’t do no conning.”

“Walter, it is fine, really,” Loki interjected.

“These are my new friends, don’t you go spoiling it for me. They done bought me a drink at Pat’s and dinner at Antoine’s!” Walter boasted.

“Dinner at Antoine’s? Damn!” Charlie stared up at Loki and Thranduil. “Nice friends you found. Can I tag along?”

“Git! They’re mine!” Walter shooed him away. “Sides, you got enough money there to buy you a few meals, don’tcha?”

Charlie peered at the money. “Yeah, I guess.”

“He appears rather sad, do you think we might be able to let him join us?” Tauriel asked.

Thranduil sighed. “Why not?”

Charlie’s eyes brightened. “You mean I can come along?”

“Certainly, we were going to meet Ben Gay I believe,” Thranduil replied.

“Ben Gay?” Walter frowned. “You didn’t tell me you needed that. I coulda bought ya some back there when I got these,” he held up a pack of cigarettes. “Come on, let’s go get some.”

Loki and Thranduil exchanged a confused glance. “You purchase this person? This Ben Gay?” Loki finally asked.

“No, it’s not a person, it’s a thing you use for sore muscles.” Charlie’s gaze swiveled towards Heimdall. “Is it for him? He’s got lots of muscles!”

“No, Walter. You said you were taking us to get Ben Gay,” Loki reminded him.

“Get Ben Gay?” Walter’s eyes clouded over in confusion, then he started laughing. “No… no… beignets! They’re a doughnut, sort of, not a person.”

“Beignets?” Charlie’s eyes lit up. “Haven’t had one in days!”

“Then let us go in search of these do-nuts. What exactly is a do-nut?” Tauriel asked.

“Follow me!” Walter took off, explaining as he walked. “They’re not exactly a regular kind of doughnut. Most doughnuts are round with a hole in the center-like. These are more like fluffy square pillows of dough, covered in powdered sugar. And ya gotta try the café au lait! It’ll put hair on your chest!” He glanced over at Heimdall. “Although I don’t think you need it, dude.”

Author’s Notes: I make no apologies for the craziness of this story. This particular chapter is based on real events that have happened to me on various trip to New Orleans. I could just see these two strolling down Bourbon Street with their “guards” in tow!

Please review, and if you’d like a more serious Loki story, check out my Infinity Series (starts with Alliance – current story is Deception but there are currently six stories in the series along with multiple one-shots).

Chapter Text

Author’s Note: This story definitely has a mind of its own. Fair warning – my mind took three left turns, then a right, followed by a U-turn… and I think I’m lost!

Chapter 20: Faith, Trust, and a Little Bit of Pixie Dust… or was that Powdered Sugar?

Stark grabbed Pepper and pulled her off the jet the instant they landed.

“Jarvis? Any idea where I can find them?”

“Yes, I believe so. There was a relatively recent charge on the credit card Mr. Loki has.”

“Okay… and where exactly did he make this purchase?” Stark prompted.

“Antoine’s. Rather a large charge. There must a be an awfully large party with them.”

“Well, that ought to make them easy to find.” Stark hopped in the waiting car and raced towards the French Quarter.

He pulled to a stop in front of the restaurant. A valet raced up to the car, opening Pepper’s door as Stark got out and tossed him the keys. “Keep it close, please.”

The couple walked into the restaurant. The maître d’s face paled as he greeted them. “Mr. Stark…” his voice trailed off, clearly worried.

Tony didn’t waste any time. “Are they still here? Two dudes. One with long white-blond hair and silver-grey robes, the other with black hair dressed in black and green leather?”

“I am so sorry. They just left… I did verify the charge. I hope that was acceptable. And there were five, not two.”

“Five?” Tony stared at him. “What did the other three look like?”

“One is a, ah – resident of New Orleans…”

“Street person?” Tony interrupted.

The maître d nodded. “Yes, one of those. He was, ah, guiding them.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Guiding them?”

“He is relatively safe, compared to some; a rather decent fellow, in fact. He shows up often for any spoils. The kitchen staff knows him.”

“Okay, and the other two?” Stark prompted.

“Ah, yes. There was a rather large fellow, dressed in some manner of armor, and a tall female.”

Tony looked at Pepper. “Sounds like Tauriel. Wonder who the tall dude is?”

Pepper shrugged. “Who knows the way this thing is working.”

Tony directed his attention back to the maître d. “Did you notice where they headed?”

“Ah, indeed I did. Their guide suggested beignets at Café du Monde,” the maître d pronounced happily, clearly glad he was able to pass on this information. He still was waiting for Tony to tell them that the credit card had been used fraudulently.

“Thanks!” He turned to leave, then paused. “How much exactly was the bill?”

The maître d swallowed hard, knowing this was the moment of truth. “They did try pretty much everything on the menu…”

“And champagne I’m sure,” Start interjected.

“Yes, several bottles. The two men seemed rather fond of it, but I do promise they were not incapacitated… rather the opposite in fact.”

“But the bill?” Tony pressed.

The maître d checked the pile of receipts in his drawer; stalling as long as he could he finally selected one and presented it to Tony. He closed his eyes, waiting for the response.

Tony scanned it. “They did eatvery well.”

The maître d opened his eyes to check that Tony wasn’t furious. Rather the opposite in fact and he appeared to be smiling.

“So, how much?” Pepper asked.

Tony handed it to her with a grin. “Two thousand three hundred and forty two dollars?” Her jaw dropped.

“They did consume everything. There were no leftovers,” the maître d hurriedly added.

“At least we can write it off, right?” Tony asked.

“I suppose so,” Pepper said.

Tony opened his wallet and handed the maître d a one hundred dollar bill. “Thank you.”

“You are most welcome, Mr. Stark. Do come again.” The maître d smiled in relief, glad that there had been no questions over the enormous bill.

“Café du Monde?” Tony stepped outside.

The valet jumped to attention and pointed to the curb where the car still stood. “You did say to keep it close by.” He quickly opened the door and held it for Pepper.

“Good job, boy,” Tony slid behind the driver’s seat. Once Pepper was settled and the door closed, he roared off. “Café du Monde…”

“You said that already, Tony. What is wrong with Café du Monde?” Pepper asked.

“Have you ever tried the coffee?”

“No, why?”

“It’ll put hair on your chest.”

~o~O~o~

“Six orders of beignets and coffee,” Walter ordered once they were all seated. Their waitress nodded and disappeared.

Loki looked out across Jackson Square, noticing the statue at the forefront. He watched the pedestrians for a minute before returning his attention back into the café. He noted the smattering of white powder on the ground, then realized their table was covered in it. With a few elegant swipes of his hand, he dusted the powder off his sleeves.

A musician was standing outside the café playing jazz music.

“Pleasant sound, what is it called?”

“That be a classic… When the Saints Come Marching In,” Charlie answered. “It’s jazz, music to my ears.” He smiled blissfully. “I could lissen to that all night long.”

“You do listen to it all night long, you sleep over there,” Walter jabbed his friend in the ribs.

Charlie sighed. “True, but even if I didn’t, I could.”

Their waiter reappeared with two trays. The first was filled with plates while the second held mugs. She carefully set down a plate of beignets in front of each person, then placed the mugs down. “That’ll be twenny four dollars.”

Loki pulled out the credit card and was about to offer it when a car screeched to a halt behind the jazz musician. “Loki!” Tony jumped out, leaving the car parked in the street.

“Tony!” Pepper shouted from the car. “Get back in here and move this!” Cars that were stuck behind the car were now honking noisily.

“I’ll be there in a sec,” Tony smiled and waved at the irate drivers. “Loki? What the hell are you doing here?”

“We are having ben gays and café au lait,” Loki replied calmly. “I do suggest you acquiesce to Miss Pepper’s request. Those other people do not appear happy with where you have parked your small limo.”

“Does it also have champagne?” Thranduil asked quickly.

“That is not a limo, it is a car.”

“Listen, buddy,” the waitress interrupted, putting her hands on her hips. “I don’t care if it’s an airplane, these guys gotta pay unless you are.”

“Two more orders,” Tony replied, handing her a fifty. “I’ll be right back. Let me go park the car.” As he walked away, he tossed over his shoulder. “Keep the change!”

“Two more orders it is!” The waitress scurried back into the building.

Thranduil stared at the pile of beignets on his plate. “How does one eat these?”

Walter threw back his head and laughed. “You’re gonna get dirty, no matter how hard you try. Least it won’t show on you…” he nodded towards Loki. “You on the other hand, ain’t no way you’re gettin’ out of here without a bit of powder showing on your fancy clothes.” He then picked up one of the beignets and took a bite out of it. “Hmmm- hmmm… I love these things.”

Loki picked one up gingerly, taking a small bite. “Interesting. It is rather good. Try yours,” he prompted the others.

Tauriel was about to take a bite out of one of her beignets when a gust of wind blew through the outdoor café, causing the powdered sugar that was caked on top of her beignet to fly into her face. She sneezed, causing the remainder of the powdered sugar to spray all over everyone at the table. She glanced at Heimdall, then started laughing as the giant of a man was covered in white sugar. “Oh my, I am so sorry, but…”

Heimdall gravely shook his head. “It is nothing.”

Tony and Pepper arrived, pulling up a table to join the party. The waitress appeared with the remainder of the order, setting it down. “Can I get you anything else?”

Tony shook his head. “Thanks, but I think we’re fine. So, I hear you boys have been hitting all the hot spots in town.” He took a bite of his beignet; chewing slowly, he savored the flavors. “I forget how good these are. But beware the coff…”

Thranduil spluttered, spitting out the mouthful of coffee he’d sipped. “What is this vile brew? Orc draught?” He slammed the mug on the table.

Walter sniggered. “It’s an acquired taste… you’ll get used to it.”

Thranduil frowned at the coffee. “I have no desire to acquire a taste for that horrid drink.”

Loki picked up his mug and sniffed it. “It does smell bitter.”

“Trust me, it is,” Thranduil assured him. “At least the beignets were good. Do they have champagne here?”

Hearing Thranduil’s request, the waitress reappeared from the building, heading their way.

Another gust of wind blew through the café, lifting the powdered sugar off their plates and scattering it everywhere. As it settled, she stopped dead in her tracks for the entire group was gone!

Author’s Note: Ah, Café du Monde… I adore the beignets there. As I wrote it, I could almost imagine the taste of one. Must head there again soon myself. Wish I could just “pop” in like my characters!

Chapter Text

Chapter 21: What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas

“Where are we now?” Tauriel’s voice echoed in the darkness.

“I do not know, but if we wait long enough, we’ll end up somewhere with a bit more light, right?” Pepper replied.

“What the hell just happened?” Walter gasped.

“I think I figured it out. And Loki, it doesn’t really have to do with the convergence like you were thinking,” Stark took out his cell phone and flipped on the flashlight, illuminating the area. “Looks like a closet…” He moved towards what appeared to be a door. Turning the handle, he opened it. “Voila! We are here! Wherever here is, but at least there’s a bit more light.”

They stepped into the room. “So you were saying you know what is causing all this… this bouncing around between and around realms?” Loki prompted.

“Well, I think I do. It seems it all stems back to you, Loki. When you were killed… or rather not killed since you seem to be very much alive. Anyways, someone or somehow, maybe a rift in the Universe? But something didn’t want you dead… and it happened at the same time his world popped into existence.” Stark jerked a thumb towards Thranduil.

“My world has always existed,” Thranduil countered.

“Well, not according to their records,” Stark replied. “They only had nine realms down. Yours might have been lost or something. Now that might have come about because of the convergence. Either way, it all stems back to Loki. If we all think about it, most the of the movement has been centered around Loki.”

Loki pondered that for a moment, then nodded. “It does make sense, sort of. But who wanted to save me?”

“Someone who didn’t think it was time for you to die? Didn’t you say your daughter was in charge of that?” Thranduil asked.

“Well, not really. She knows if someone shows up if they belong in Hel or Valhalla, but I honestly don’t think she goes beyond that,” Loki replied. He snapped his fingers. “The Norns!”

“The norms? No, this isn’t about standards… we’re talking about…”

“Not norms, Norns!” Loki said excitedly. “The Fates as you might call them. They rule our destiny. Obviously they do not believe I should die yet.” He grinned complacently.

“Interesting. So these Norn people can do that then?” Stark asked.

“I guess so. I have never met them, so I cannot speak for them,” Loki replied.

“Well, seems you are on their good side, for now anyway. Now, let’s figure out where we are,” Stark replied.

“We’re in Naw’lins, right?” Walter asked.

“Possibly not,” Tauriel said. “If this is like everything else that has been happening, we are somewhere else.”

“But how’d we git here?” Walter asked.

“I haven’t figured that part out yet,” Stark replied. “Oh, crap!” He had opened another door and entered the room. He walked over to the window. “Pepper… recognize this place?”

“Vegas? We’re in Las Vegas?” She was able to quickly pick out a few landmark hotels from the window.

“Listen, you guys just stay put. Stay right here while I go down and find out what hotel we are in,” Stark said. “Pepper, come with me.”

Tony and Pepper exited the room, leaving the others. They waited for twenty minutes.

“Why are we just sitting here? Will we be attacked if we leave? Are these Lost Vegans dangerous?”

“No, they ain’t no vegans… well, there might be vegans, ya know, plant eaters, but doubt they’d hurt us,” Walter replied. “I wonder where Charlie is? Ya think he’s back in Naw’lins?”

“Most likely. This thing seems to be choosy about who gets to travel,” Loki replied.

Stark burst into the room. “Okay guys. We gotta move. Follow me.”

Loki and Thranduil exchanged a glance. “As you command, Lord Stark.”

They followed Stark out into an empty hallway. He walked down to the end and pressed a button. “We’re in the Bellagio, which is good. They know me here…”

“Tony, who doesn’t know you here?” Pepper asked.

“Right, well. Anyways,” he held up a key, “I secured us a suite for the night.”

“How do we get to this sweet? Although I am not really hungry for anything sweet at the moment,” Thranduil replied.

“Suite, like in a bunch of rooms, not a cake, okay? And we take the elevator,” Stark pressed the button again. “Where is the stupid thing?”

“You press a button for this elevator? What precisely is an elevator?” Loki asked.

“It’s a room that transports you to another level,” Tony replied. “Remember the one in the store in New York? Where we got the tuxes?”

“Given the fact we’ve been transporting without an elevator, why do we require one now?” Loki asked.

“It’s not quite the same. This keeps us in the same spot, just moves us higher or lower, depending on where we want to go.”

“And where do we want to go? I personally would like to go back to Middle Earth. I rather liked it there,” Loki said.

“I am in agreement with him. Can it transport us back to Middle Earth?” Thranduil asked.

“No.” The doors of the elevator chose that moment to open. “Come on, everyone in.”

Once everyone was inside, Tony pressed one of the buttons and the doors closed.

“You are certain this will not take us somewhere else?” Loki asked.

“No, we’re just going up to the suite,” Tony replied. Seconds later, the doors opened onto a luxurious suite. Tony stepped off. “Welcome to your home for the night. Place has got everything, even champagne.”

“Well, it cannot be too bad then,” Thranduil admitted as he entered the suite and began to inspect the accommodations. “Rather pleasant, in fact.” He disappeared through one door. “I shall take this room!” He announced.

“Fine, Loki?” Tony pointed towards another door. “That room for you then. Pepper and I will be in there,” he pointed out another room, “Tauriel, you and Walter can pick whichever room you want. There are three more bedrooms over there.” He pointed out the rooms. “I’m having breakfast sent up first thing in the morning, so make sure you stay in here. Got it?”

“Of course,” Loki replied, heading off to inspect his quarters. He returned back to the main sitting room. “They will do, I suppose. Now, you said there was champagne?”

“Yep, and cheese, crackers… all kinds of snacks!” Walter had scavenged through the refrigerator and cabinets, collecting all the food and setting it out on the table. “Help yourself. Charlie’s gonna be mad he didn’t get to come.”

Thranduil reappeared. Inspecting Walter’s collection of food, he picked up a plate and selected an assortment, piling his plate full. He poured himself a glass of champagne and seated himself upon a huge white sofa.

Loki followed suit, and soon they were all seated. Walter picked up the TV remote and clicked the huge flat screen television on. “Let’s see what’s on TV, eh?”

“TeeVee?” Thranduil looked quizzically at Walter.

“You don’t have TV where you come from?” Walter asked.

“No, I have never heard of TeeVee. What is it?”

“Well, it gives you the news, or movies, or sports… we watch it, well, I don’t normally as I don’t have one, but most people do.” Walter clicked through several channels.

“Ah, movies. Yes. We did watch several movies while we were at Lord Stark’s palace,” Thranduil replied. “I was not aware that the name of the device was TeeVee.”

“Not TeeVee, TV,” Walter corrected him, finally picked a sitcom to watch. “Great! A Big Bang Theory marathon tonight! You guys are gonna love this.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 22: Thank you, thank you very much!

An hour passed, with no sign of Pepper or Tony’s return.

“I say we investigate this Bell of Geo,” Thranduil had grown bored watching the Big Bang Theory. He was currently lounging on one of the large, overstuffed sofas. There were bags of chips littering the table next to him, and his wine glass was noticeably empty.

Walter, still glued to the television, barely glanced up. “Bellagio, not Bell of Geo. Whaddaya want to do?”

“Well, what is in the lower levels of this palace?” Thranduil asked.

“Just shows, and restaurants, and slot machines,” Walter replied. “I don’t have no money, so can’t gamble.”

“Restaurants?” Thranduil sat up. “Do they serve real food?” He picked up one of the bags of chips with two fingers, looking disdainfully at it. “THIS is worse than orc dung.”

“Hmmm, I dunno what orc dung is, but it sounds nasty,” Walter glanced over at Thranduil. “What about the cheese and crackers? Did you eat all of them?”

Thranduil rolled his eyes. “Hours ago. That was barely enough to tide an elfling for an hour, let alone me.”

“Explain this gambling,” Loki inquired, lifting one eyebrow up. He’d spent the past hour reading the various brochures and booklets that was scattered about the room.

Walter shut the television off and turned to look at them. “Well, there are a bunch of ways to gamble, but basically you’re betting your money that you’ll win their money.”

“What does one bet upon?” Thranduil asked.

“All depends, I mean, there are tables, and slots, and sports books… Lissen, it can’t hurt if we go down and look around. We can leave a note for Tony, let him know we went downstairs. And we can get some food too.”

The four men rode the elevator down to the casino level. The noise overwhelmed them the instant the doors slid open. Bells were ringing as slots spun wildly, lights flashing and people shouting as they crowded around the tables.

“This way!” Walter moved easily through the crowds, no doubt because Heimdall was following immediately behind him. Loki and Thranduil brought up the rear, pausing often to watch the spinning wheels of the slots.

“Interesting,” Loki commented. “They seen so transfixed by these machines.”

“Indeed, an army could march through here and decimate thousands I do not believe they would notice,” Thranduil remarked.

“Hey! Susan! There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you,” a large woman cut them off as she practically tackled a woman sitting at one of the slots.

The Prince and the King stepped back; afraid she’d wallop them with her huge purse.

“She appears to be very well armed,” Loki smirked.

“We might be dead if you hadn’t noticed her. She would have run us down,” Thranduil replied.

The woman grabbed Susan’s arm. “Come on. We’re going to be late for the first set at the Elvis concert.”

“Elvish concert?” A look of horror overtook Thranduil’s face. “Elrond and Galadriel are not here, are they?”

The woman overheard that remark. She looked at the two men. “Seriously? I don’t know who this Eldriel dude is, is he one of the impersonators? I don’t remember seeing his name on the list.”

“Impersonators?” Thranduil asked.

“Yeah, for the Elvis Impersonators Convention. Are you guys here for that? If so, you’d better hurry or you’ll miss the first set,” she returned her focus on her friend. “Susan, we gotta go… now!”

“All right, all right, don’t get your panties in a knot Mattie, I’m coming,” Susan punched a button on the slot machine and a receipt printed out. She briefly scanned it and grimaced. “Guess I’d better go. These slots ain’t paying tonight,” she grumbled. “You boys coming too?”

Loki and Thranduil exchanged a glance. “It will be nice to see some elves,” Thranduil commented.

“Elvis, not elves,” Mattie corrected them quickly.

“What is an elvis?” Loki asked.

“You ain’t never heard of Elvis?” Susan asked; she looked Loki over closely. “You’d make a great one if you did your hair a bit different like.” She pointed to a poster on the wall they were passing that advertised the convention. There were several photos of Elvis Presley through the years. “See, like that. Can you sing?”

“Depends upon whom you ask,” Loki replied, he paused to look at the poster.

Susan laughed. “I hear ya on that. But if you could sing, I’d bet you could win the competition. Ain’t none of the good guys here tonight.”

“Competition?” Loki inquired.

“Yeah, they’re having one every night during the convention. Being that it’s just the first night, most of the good guys ain’t here yet, but…” Susan cocked her head to one side. “If we could find you an outfit… you’d look halfway decent. What do you think Mattie?”

Mattie stared at Loki a few seconds. “Yeah, he ain’t bad.”

Heimdall appeared at Loki’s side, with Walter trailing along behind him. “My lord, we thought we had lost you.”

“He with you?” Mattie asked, looking over the tall guardian of the Bifrost with very appreciative eyes. “You free later tonight?”

“Yes, he is with me, he is my – ah - body guard,” Loki replied. He was staring at the poster. “What does this… Elvis… sound like?”

“Oh man! Have you been living in a hole for like the last fifty years? He’s the King!” Mattie declared.

“Excuse me, but I am the King,” Thranduil corrected her.

“Yeah, right,” Mattie snorted. “Anyways… follow me. You can listen on my iPod if you like.” She pulled out a tiny iPod and handed it to Loki. He stared at it a moment until she pulled a pair of headphones out of her purse and plugged them into the device. “Here.” She handed it to Loki.

Thranduil looked curiously at Mattie’s purse. “What else do you have in that bag?”

Mattie threw her head back and laughed. “If you asked my husband, he’d tell you I got everything including the kitchen sink in here!”

Loki had placed the headphones over his ears and was listening to the music. As they reached the convention level, he paused. “What would I have to do for this competition?”

“Well, first you got to find an outfit…”

Loki grinned. “Well, that is easy. Which one would you suggest?” He pointed to the poster.

“My fav is the ’68 Comeback Special. Man… that leather outfit!” Susan said dreamily as she stared at the poster.

Mattie joined her, shaking her head. “But I sill love the American Eagle Jumpsuit Elvis.”

“That’s a good one too,” Susan replied. The two women turned back to the group. Their jaws dropped in utter astonishment as Loki had transformed into the ’68 Elvis complete with the black leather suit.

“Will this do?” Loki asked, his voice sounding just like Elvis.

“OH MY GOD!” Both women screamed.

Their scream caught the attention of several of the convention attendees. Loki was surrounded by dozens of women.

“How’d he do that?” Walter asked.

“He’s a wizard… more precisely, he is my wizard. I found him first,” Thranduil replied. “I wonder if he can sing.”

Loki looked over the heads of the women. “Ah, excuse me little ladies, I have to get my – ah – backup singers. I think we’re on next,” he nodded towards the convention hall, indicating he wanted them to follow him.

“Backup singers?” Heimdall asked.

“I refuse to sing. I leave that to Galadriel and her minions,” Thranduil sulked.

“Gentlemen? Come along. We have a contest to win. Susan has informed me that the winner gets some money. Then Walter can show us how to do this gambling,” Loki hissed.

“Oh, well… in that case,” Thranduil followed the Prince into the convention room.

Heimdall and Walter looked at each other, then with a shrug they followed the other two in.

“Elvis! Elvis!” The chant was erupting from the crowd as Loki entered the room. Every eye turned toward him as he made his way to the stage. He held his arms up, waving at all the people in the room.

Loki ran up the steps and onto the tiny stage. “Thank you. Thank you very much.” He grabbed the guitar sitting there on stage. A stage crewmember raced out with a wooden stool, setting it down near Loki. Loki sat on it, and playfully strummed the strings of the guitar a few minutes. Several women in the hall started screaming. Loki grinned.

Finally figuring out the guitar, he grinned at the crowd. “I think you all know this one,” he started to sing ‘Lawdy Miss Clawdy’. Women started to rush the stage.

Chapter Text

Chapter 23: Carpe Diem

“Oh man, you were just awesome dude!” one of the contest coordinators ran up to congratulate Loki following his stellar performance. Several security men were working to keep the throngs of women from rushing them.

“Indeed,” Loki replied with a smirk. “Did I win the contest?”

“Man, you rocked it!” the man handed him an envelop. “Here ya go, $100 to the winner for this round. Are you coming back for the finals tomorrow night?”

“Perhaps, it simply will depend on… ah… things,” Loki replied.

“I hear ya. My old lady keeps a short leash on me. Well, hope you make it.” The man turned and left them standing there.

Loki opened the envelop and extracted five crisp twenty dollar bills. He handed them to Walter. “Here, now you must show us this gambling.”

“Well, um, you might want to change before I do. Else we’ll have a gaggle of women following us,” Walter replied, pointing out the women sighing dreamily over Elvis/Loki.

“Right, let us leave this area and find some place a bit less crowded for that,” Loki walked out of the ballroom into the hallways. He found a secluded corner and quickly changed back to his normal self. “Better?”

Thranduil nodded. “Indeed, much better.”

“Jealous of those ladies are we?” Loki quipped.

“Me? Hardly,” Thranduil sniffed. “Now, let us find some real food and see about this gambling. Lead on, Walter.”

Walter gaped at Loki. “I ain’t never gonna get used to that. Still don’t get how you do it, but damn, that’s a great magic trick. I’d make a mint if I could do that.”

“A mint? Why would one want a plant?” Thranduil asked, clearly perplexed.

Walter blinked. “No, not a plant… a mint, like where they print this stuff.” He held up the twenties.

Thranduil shrugged. “Strange customs you have here.”

Walter shook his head. “This way, boys.” He led them back into the main casino. He stopped and pointed out the different stations. “See, over there, they got table games, like blackjack and poker. There is the craps table. I ain’t gonna waste my … I mean our money on craps.”

“Crabs?” Heimdall asked.

“No, not crabs, craps.”

“Isn’t a crap what is sometimes referred to as what one does in a bathroom?” Loki asked. “Thus you are saying there is a table where people just crap on it?”

Walter threw back his head and laughed. “I like that! Great way to put it, but no, we don’t go to the bathroom on the table. You bet on how the dice are gonna roll. Scary game to me. I prefer something a little more stable.”

“So, what are those obnoxious boxes?” Thranduil pointed to a row of slots.

“Ah,” Walter grinned. “Slot machines. See there, you hope you get a winning combination – certain symbols. Then you win. See that batch over there?” He pointed towards an island of ten machines under a huge sign that kept flashing numbers. The numbers kept going up. “If you hit the jackpot, you win whatever amount is on that screen!”

Loki watched the flashing numbers for a few seconds. “So, if you won, you would get $2.7 million? How does one win that one?”

“Yep! At least $2.7 mil… that’s what it’s at right now. It keeps going up till someone hits it.” Walter walked closer to the machines, peering at the chart on one of them. “You gotta get five of these red sevens to win.”

They watched a few minutes as people strolled up to the machines and laughingly put a large coin into one. “Maybe this will be the one, what do ya think babe?” one man asked his companion.

She shrugged. “Only takes one!”

He pulled the lever and they both stared as the wheels flashed, finally stopping on a mix of various symbols. “Damn! I thought that was the one. Well, I’m done for the day, that was my last five bucks. Let’s go get dinner.” He glanced at Walter and his group. “Good luck, boys. Maybe you’ll win.”

“What would you do if you won?” Loki asked Walter.

Walter closed his eyes and sighed. “I’d buy me a place on the bayou, get my buddies to join me and we’d fish all day. Maybe set up one of them swamp tours to make a few bucks, you know… take it easy, but I’d take care of my friends, that’s for sure.”

Loki raised one eyebrow. “Indeed. Well, why don’t you try it?”

“Can’t hurt. Only takes one turn to win,” Walter walked over to a cashier and gave them one of the twenties. Armed with four large coins, he handed one to each of his companions. “Here, we can each try.”

Heimdall inspected the coin.

“Go ahead, put it in the machine then pull that lever,” Walter instructed.

Heimdall did as he was told. They all watched as the wheels spun, finally stopping on a combination of various colored 7’s.

“Damn! You just won twenty bucks!” Four of the large coins dropped down into a reservoir at the bottom of the machine. Heimdall picked them up and handed them to Walter.

Loki was the next to try. He watched as the wheels spun, landing on two jokers and three sevens.

“Nada for that, sorry,” Walter sighed, disappointed that he hadn’t at least won something. He looked at Thranduil. “Your turn.”

Thranduil looked disdainfully at the coin for several seconds before finally inserting it into the slot machine. With elegant fingers, he pulled the lever. Looking more bored than interested, he vaguely watched the spinning wheels. The wheels finally stopped giving him a mixture of fruit and 7’s.

“Nope. Nothing for that,” Walter commented.

Thranduil simply rolled his eyes in response. “What would I do with this 2.7 mil anyway?”

“It’s up to 2.8 now,” Loki pointed out. “We could buy an island… or Stark Tower,” he added with a laugh.

“Speaking of Stark, is that not him over there?” Thranduil pointed out a man who appeared to be searching the casino.

Loki followed his direction, sighting the man. “Yes, it is. He appears to be looking for us.”

Stark’s eyes landed on Loki as he finished speaking. He waved from across the casino and started wending his way through the crowds.

“Walter, I do believe it is your turn,” Thranduil prompted.

“There you guys are!” Stark shouted as he neared them. “I thought I told you to stay in the suite?”

“You did, but we were hungry,” Loki replied.

“Hungry?” Stark asked, then noticed the coin Walter was about to put in the slot machine. “Hey, where’d you get that? You been using my credit card again?”

“I won them,” Loki grinned.

“Won them? How?” Stark asked.

Thranduil pointed towards one of the Elvis convention posters. “There. I thought at first it was an Elvish convention. We encountered some ladies who explained what it was. Loki performed and won.”

Tony stared at Loki. “You do not look at all like Elvis, and you don’t sound like him either, so how did you manage that?”

Loki smirked, then suddenly transformed into an exact likeness of Tony Stark. “Like this… and my, you do look quite ravishing in that dress.”

Tony’s jaw dropped open as he stared at himself, or rather, not himself but Loki looking like him. “Ravishing?” He glanced down to discover he was wearing a slinky black dress… just like one of Pepper’s favorites dresses. “What? How the hell????”

“Tony?” Pepper picked that moment to join them, walking directly up to Loki. “What’s going on?”

“Pepper, that’s not me!” Tony shouted.

Pepper whirled to see herself standing there. “Who are you? And why do you have my dress on?”

“I’m Tony! That’s Loki,” Tony pointed to Loki. “And ask him why I have your dress on. Loki, you’d better change us back…”

“Or else what? You’ll send me to my room? We’ve already left there… and if you don’t watch out, we might disappear completely,” Loki changed back into his form, and flicked a hand towards Tony, changing him back. “Walter, I do believe it is your turn to play.”

Walter nodded, dropping his coin in the machine. He pulled the lever and watched. The first wheel stopped on a red 7. “Come on, baby… come on… just need four more.”

The second wheel slammed to a stop – also on a red 7. Walter closed his eyes. “I can’t look!”

“Walter, I do believe you might want to see this,” Thranduil spoke as the third wheel stopped on a red 7, followed almost at once by the fourth wheel hitting a red 7.

By now, a crowd of people had started to gather, seeing the four red 7’s on the machine. The last wheel was still spinning merrily.

Tony glanced at Loki, seeing his right hand snap quickly. As it did, a collective gasp went up from the crowd.

“OH MY GOD!” Walter screamed.

“Loki?” Stark glared at the god.

“What?” Loki looked back at him innocently.

Chapter Text

Chapter 24: Double, Double, Toil and Trouble!

Crowds grew as the pandemonium spread throughout the casino. Word of the big jackpot being hit traveled quickly.

Tony turned to Loki. “Did you….”

Loki smirked.

“Oh my gawd! I can’t wait to tell my buddies!” Walter grabbed Tony’s arm. “Can I borrow your cell phone? Mine’s dead and I gotta call at least one of them. They can start looking.”

“Looking for what?”

“A nice place on the bayou we can live in,” Walter sighed dreamily. “I’ve been hopin’ one day to be able to afford a place to live. Now I can, and I can have my friends too.”

Loki smiled smugly at Star. “A worthy cause,” he hissed in Stark’s ear. “And besides, someone had to win it eventually, correct?”

Stark’s eyes narrowed, “Well, you did not need to meddle, did you?”

He suddenly realized he was talking to empty space.

“LOKI!” Tony shouted. “Where the hell did he go now?”

******************************************************************************

Loki groaned as he realized where they had appeared. “Asgard? Really? Are you crazy…”

“Who are you talking to?” Thranduil asked.

“The Norns,” Loki replied.

“Nordstroms?” Barton’s voice piped up. “Are we back in Central Park? I can’t say as I recognize this area.”

“What is a nerd storm? Do we need to take shelter?” Tauriel asked, peering up at the clear blue sky.

“No… not nerds. Nerds are geeks… or a candy… depends on who you ask. I’m talking about Nords… as in Nordstroms, it’s a department store, where you shop for clothes and stuff,” Barton replied.

“Well, we have clothes, and this is definitely not Central Park. Who else is with you?” Loki asked. His eyes darted around, scanning to ascertain precisely where in Asgard they were. He finally sighted the city in the distance.

“Uh, just me. Seem to have been separated from everyone else,” Barton answered. “What are you looking for?”

“Asgardians,” Loki replied. “And if they find me, well, let’s just say the experience might not be pleasant. Follow me.” He moved swiftly away from the distant city.

After they had walked for an hour, Loki finally stopped. “We ought to be fairly safe here…” His voice trailed off. “Where is Heimdall?”

“I do not recall him being with us when we appeared here,” Thranduil replied.

“We seem to have lost Stark as well,” Tauriel added.

“Well, that at least is a plus,” Loki remarked. “But if Heimdall gets back to the Bifrost, he’ll find me here for certain. Damn! Of all places to send me to, they had to pick Asgard. Why?”

******************************************************************************

“Why?” Loki’s voice echoed in the air.

Urd chuckled. “So the trickster dislikes being tricked?”

Verdani paused in her task, the threads she was spinning rested lightly upon her lap. “I would say he does. What shall we do next?”

“I think you should swirl the waters some more,” Skuld cackled. “I honestly have not enjoyed something so much since we sent Thor to Midgard.”

Urd nodded and bent over the small bowl of water that lay at her feet. Putting her finger in it, she stirred the water vigorously. “There! That should mix things up a bit more.”

Her two sisters joined her as they peered into the bowl, watching in fascination as the water began to bubble ever so slightly.

*****************************************************************************

Loki felt the ground begin to shake. “What the hel!” The forest of Asgard disappeared. “Now where are we?” His eyes tried to focus, but he finally realized that wherever he was, it was pitch black.

“Loki?” Sif’s voice broke the silence.

“Sif?” Loki clenched his fists, concentrating. He opened one palm and a small light appeared. He discovered they were in a cave. Spying a torch resting in a scone on the wall, he grabbed it and a spark flashed from his other hand igniting the torch. Light flooded the room.

“Well, this is interesting,” Thranduil’s gaze swept through the cavern. “This appears to be part of the mines of Moria. We seem to have returned to Middle Earth.”

Loki sighed softly. “Much nicer than Asgard.”

“Not really,” Tauriel replied. “This place is infested with orcs.” Drums began to boom as she finished speaking. She pulled out her bow, preparing to defend them. “Would that your son was here, he knows the paths through here fairly well.”

“He has been here?” Thranduil asked.

“Yes, father, I have,” Legolas stepped into the room. “How did we all get here?”

“As long as Thor isn’t here, I don’t care,” Loki replied. He looked around to verify that his brother wasn’t part of this expedition.

“Well, you are going to care very quickly once those orcs find us,” Legolas retorted. “We must leave at once!”

“Lead on, my son,” Thranduil commanded.

Legolas moved swiftly, leading them out of the room into the tunnels of Moria. “This way,” he hissed. “And quickly!”

They ran through the tunnels, passing the skeletons of many fallen dwarves, finally emerging into a great hall. Sunlight shone into the room. Legolas pushed a door open, and they fled the mines into an open meadow.

“Couldn’t you have picked a better place to exit?” Thranduil snapped.

“What is wrong with this place?” Sif asked. “It looks better than in there.” She jabbed a finger back at Moria.

“This path leads to Laurelindórenan, home of Galadriel and Celeborn… not two of my best friends,” Thranduil sighed. “I suppose they are better than a host of orcs, but couldn’t you have managed to get us out on the other side?”

“Hey, at least the sun is shining,” Barton replied with a grin. “What exactly is this la-dee-da-dee-do place?”

“Laurelindórenan, not lee-do-dip-dee-do,” Thranduil corrected.

“Sounds like la-la land to me… Los Angeles, California. Home of the rich and famous, the beautiful people,” Barton quipped.

“Well, that does rather describe Galadriel and Celeborn,” Legolas replied with a grin.

Thranduil rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Have you gone nuts?”

“She’s not so bad, really, once you get to know her,” Legolas defended the Lady of the Golden Wood.

The scenery changed, and the group now found themselves standing next to a large brown sign.

“Cabrillo National Monument,” Sif read. “Where are we now?”

“California!” Barton snorted with laughter. “Not exactly Los Angeles, but close. Come on, I know my way around here at least.” He hiked towards the roadway.

Thranduil and Loki exchanged a look, then followed after the archer. Sif, Tauriel, and Legolas trailed along. By the time they had reached the road, they had lost sight of Barton.

“Hurry up! This guy’s gonna take us into town!” All eyes turned in the direction of the voice.

Barton was sitting in the back of a pickup truck, urging the others to join them. Hesitantly, they climbed into the bed of the pickup. The instant they were all seated, the truck took off, bouncing down the road.

“Couldn’t you have found a better mode of transportation?” Thranduil asked.

“Hey, best I could do. And is that all you can do is complain?” Barton asked.

Legolas stifled a laugh.

An hour later, the truck screeched to a stop outside a hotel. Loki stared at the sign. “Hilton San Diego Bayfront welcomes Comic Con.”

Chapter Text

Author’s Note: I do apologize for the delay in posting. Things have been extremely busy. Hopefully, I’ll have a bit more time to write in the next few weeks… but to make up for it, here are two chapters!

Chapter 25: Where’s Waldo? I mean… Loki?

Thor felt his body being lifted off the ground. “What?” Blackness enveloped him for several minutes, then he was unceremoniously dumped on his arse. He winced, then looked at his surroundings discovering he was in the Bifrost chamber. “Heimdall!” his shout reverberated through the room.

Just as the last echoes of his shout dissippated, Heimdall crashed onto the floor next to him.

“Welcome back, my friend. Where were you?” Thor asked him.

“Midgard,” the guardian of the Bifrost replied. “Some place called New Orleans and then Lost Wages.”

“I think you mean Las Vegas, but lost wages is probably more appropriate!” Thor chuckled. “I understand my brother still lives. Have you seen him? Can you find him?”

“Yes to the first, and I am uncertain to the second,” Heimdall rose, offering his hand down to Thor.

Thor grasped it and stood. Rubbing his backside, he grimaced. “That was a rough landing.”

“I concur,” Heimdall had moved to stand at the window of the Universe, staring out into it. “I am sorry, but I do not see Loki.” He turned away from the window.

“How was he? How did he survive for I swear that blade of Kurse killed him,” Thor asked.

“He said something about thinking he was dead, and had arrived in Hel, but then discovered he was very much alive. When last I saw him he was with two elves…”

“Elves? Dark Elves? We destroyed all of them!” Thor interrupted.

“No, not dark elves. These two were of a place called Middle Earth. I have never seen this place, I still cannot. Perhaps that is where your brother has gone.” Heimdall returned to the window, staring out. “I cannot find this place, but it appears there is a tenth realm out there, hidden...” he paused, then jerked his head sharply to the right. “I believe Loki has appeared again.”

“Where?” Thor asked eagerly.

“Back on Midgard, although he definitely was not there a moment ago.”

“In Vegas?”

“No, a place called San Diego,” Heimdall replied. “I assume you wish to travel there?”

Thor nodded, walking briskly towards the Bifrost. Heimdall opened it, watching as Thor entered it.

Thor looked around the parking lot Heimdall had sent him to. He noticed several large buildings off to his right with throngs of people traveling between them.  As he neared the crowds, he spotted a familiar figure amongst them. “Loki!” he shouted.

The figure turned to stare at him. “Thor? Wow, that’s a great costume. You entered in the contest tonight?”

Thor realized his error at once. There was no way this was Loki for the man was too short. “Sorry, I thought you were my brother.”

“Oh, your brother is here? He’s dressed as Loki? If his outfit is half as good as yours dude, you guys are gonna win!” the Loki replied.

“I, ah, hope my brother is here. Have you seen another dressed as Loki,” Thor held out his hand to match his height. “About this tall?”

“No, man, but if I do, I’ll let him know you’re looking for him,” the Loki replied.

“Thanks.” Thor looked at the others in the crowd. Some were dressed in costumes, while others were in the regular clothing that humans wore. “Well, Heimdall said he’s here…” he ventured into the closest building.

His eyes did not adjust to the darkness of the building, causing him to almost run into a group of storm troopers.

“Hey, anyone seen Jeff? He’s late and we need the Emperor if we’re going to make an appearance at the Star Wars panel,” one of the white storm troopers asked.  

“Mike!” A woman wailed as she joined the party. “I told you this didn’t fit anymore!”

Thor’s eyes almost popped out as he stared at the woman. She was dressed in a brass bikini top with a matching g-string thong with flowing red silk skirts and red high-heeled boots. Unfortunately, she had several rolls of fat popping out over the bikini. As he watched, she caught the heel of one of the boots on a strip on the floor and tripped, falling flat on her face.

One of the storm troopers laughed. “Hey, it’s Jabba the Hut!”

“Steve, shut the hell up!” The woman rolled over, struggling to get up. “it wasn’t my idea to wear this. I told Mike it didn’t fit anymore.”

“I’ll say,” the storm trooper replied. “We still got no one for the Chewie costume, you could wear that.”

“I refuse to be a Wookie!”

“A cookie?” Thor asked, completely confused by the conversation.

“You’ve got cookies?” The woman’s eyes landed on Thor. “Oh man! You’re hot! AND you’ve got cookies?”

“No, I do not have cookies, I was just asking why you wished to be a cookie,” Thor replied.

“No, honey. Ain’t you never seen Star Wars?”

“Sorry, I have not.”

“Man, you must be the only one on the planet that hasn’t seen it. If you want to join me, I’m going to the viewing later. They’re showing all six episodes – back to back!”

“I am sorry, but I must find my brother. Perhaps you have seen him? He is dressed as Loki,” Thor explained.

“Ha! There has to be at least a dozen Loki’s. Good luck with that.”

“Well, thank you anyway.” Thor turned and moved down the hall, trying to get as far away from the group as he could.

Thor wandered down the hall, eventually arriving in a large open concourse. Hundreds of people, mostly costumed, milled around pausing as other took pictures of their outfits. One lady dashed up, camera pointed at him.

“Can I get your picture? That costume is awesome!” she gushed.

Thor simply nodded as she snapped a photo.

“Harold!” she shouted. “Get over here! I want my photo with this Thor…” she grinned up at Thor. “If only there were a Loki as good as you! That would totally make my day.”

“Have you seen my brother?” Thor asked as another man joined them. The other man took the camera from the lady. She promptly scooted up next to Thor, wrapping her arms around his waist as she posed seductively.

“No, sorry, haven’t seen any Loki’s today. Did you get a good one?” she asked Harold.

“Yeah… here – “ he held out the camera, “take a look.”

She grabbed the camera and stared at it a second. “Wow! This is fantastic. Thanks!” Grabbing Harold’s arm, she pulled him back into the crowd.

Thor watched them disappear. As he looked across the room, his eyes caught sight of another figure dressed in the familiar black, green, and gold his brother wore. Uncertain if it was his brother, he headed over to check. As he neared the figure, he realized it wasn’t his brother, but he continued to approach ‘Loki’ in hopes that this one might have seen his brother.

“Thor! Cool… you’re just in time, I’ve been looking for you,” Loki spoke up.

Thor’s eyes widened, as the voice coming from this Loki was distinctly feminine. “You’re a woman?”

“Oh, you’re not the Thor we’re looking for. Sorry, as you’re definitely a dude, right?” Loki asked.

“Uh, correct. You mean there is a female version of me?” Thor asked.

“Yeah, haven’t you seen the comics? Although my Thor looks just like the male version of Thor. We’ve also got one who looks like the female version,” Loki replied.

Thor considered the comments and realized he was more confused than ever. Deciding not to pursue this line of conversation, he returned to his main purpose. “You wouldn’t happen to have encountered a male Loki, about as tall as me?”

Loki shook her head. “Nah. Ain’t seen one that tall. Most are too short. I gotta admit, you’ve definitely got the height for the part.” Two Thor’s and a Tony Stark joined them.

“Damn! Where’d you find this one?” The male Thor asked.

“He came over, I thought he was you,” Loki explained.

The female Thor stared dreamily up at him. “You are soooo cute, I could just eat you!”

“Belinda!” Tony snapped. “Behave yourself.”

Thor stared at the figure. The voice indicated this one also was a woman, but she looked exactly like Tony Stark.

“You’re no fun,” Belinda sulked.

“Well, ladies, if you will, um… excuse me,” Thor backed away, accidentally bumping into someone. He turned around, finding himself face to face with a zombie. “I’m sorry…” he stared at the blood dripping off the zombie. “I did not mean to hurt you. Here, let me help you.” He reached out towards the zombie.

“No! Don’t touch! It’s not dry yet… took me two hours to get just the face done!” the zombie shrieked.

Thor realized his mistake, this was another costume. He sighed, shaking his head ruefully he walked away. He had reached the opposite side of the room when he saw another Loki. This one stared directly at him, making eye contact for a second before suddenly darting out of the room. “LOKI!” Thor bellowed.

Chapter Text

Chapter 26: Food Fight!

Loki raced out of the lobby the instant he spied Thor.

“Loki?” Thranduil shouted after him.

“This way! Hurry!” Loki pointed down the hall.

“Why are we running?” Thranduil caught up with the god as they continued to race down the hallway.

“That was my brother back there,” Loki explained as he turned right and raced towards a stairwell.

“And you wish to avoid your brother?” Thranduil asked.

“Definitely!”

“Why?”

Loki stopped for a moment to consider the elven king’s question. “He believes I am dead. The last time he saw me, I was dead.”

“Would he not be overjoyed to know that you live?”

“No, he wasn’t precisely happy with me and my… ah… actions here on Earth,” Loki answered as he continued on his path. “I think he would prefer that I had remained dead.”

“Well, it is not your fault you are not dead, is it?” Thranduil asked.

Loki paused for a second, considering the oddity of the statement. “I suppose you are correct, I didn’t exactly decide not to be dead, but I thought I was dead, until I discovered I was very much alive.”

“Excellent. Then simply explain that to your brother,” Thranduil smiled, happy that the matter appeared to be settled.

“It is not really that easy. Thor is one who believes things are either black or white… he doesn’t understand the gray areas of life… and my activities here, earlier, were not in the best interests of the general population,” Loki replied, opening a door and entering the room.

“You are saying you attempted to wage a war?” Thranduil interpreted his friend’s cryptic comments.

“Indeed. With a little help from a few friends,” Loki smiled grimly, then looked around the room. The room was filled with people in white jackets dashing about, crashing platters of food, and filling pitchers with water. “I would guess we are in the kitchens.”

“I believe you are correct,” Thranduil agreed. He reached out and plucked a white powdered doughnut off a platter. Taking a bite, he sneezed as the powdered sugar scattered around his face. “What is this?”

One of the white coated people stopped to stare at the pair. “A doughnut, but what the hell are you doing down here? You guys below upstairs. This is for workers only. Get out before I call security.”

Thor chose that instant to burst into the room. “LOKI!”

Loki smiled at the white coat. “Now would be a good time to call security!” Grabbing Thranduil’s arm, he pulled him through the center of the room heading towards the opposite side, pushing people out of his way. Platters and pitchers fell to the floor and people started shouting at them.

Thor tried to catch up to them, but the food on the floor mixed with the water created a sloppy mess and he slipped. As he felt himself falling he swung Mjölnir and slid across the room. He crashed into the legs of several people causing them to fall on top of him. Slamming into the wall, he gently removed a few of the bodies on top of him. Glimpsing the tail of Loki’s leather cloak, he grabbed it and tugged.

Loki collapsed on top of the heap. “Thor! Let me go!”

“How did you get here?” Thor felt his brother struggling to escape. “And don’t try any of your tricks on me.”

Loki’s hand struck a pie plate. Grabbing it, he thought for only a millisecond before throwing at his brother’s face. The cherry pie filling exploded out of the pie crust as it hit Thor. Thor released his grip on Loki’s cloak allowing him to escape.

Scrambling to his feet, Loki scuttled away from his brother.

Thor grabbed the plate closest to him and threw it at Loki. The bowl contained a fettuccini salad, and the contents landed squarely on Loki’s head. Noodles mixed into the long, black hair as the oily dressing dripped down Loki’s face. Loki casually plucked a piece of fettuccini off his brow and tossed it to the side. Bending down, he picked up another plate and with an evil grin, threw it as Thor. The plate of mashed potatoes hit Thor squarely in the chest. Thor stared at the white globs on his chest, and scooping up a handful of it, he threw it back towards his brother.

Seeing the two brothers throwing food, several of the white coated workers grabbed platters of food and joined in, choosing sides. Soon, food was flying everywhere. Thranduil lifted his eyebrows sardonically and he elegantly side-stepped the piles of spilled food and walked towards the doorway. He had just reached it when Loki noticed the movement.

“Thranduil!” Loki shouted across the room.

The elven king turned towards the sound of the voice. He found it difficult to ascertain who had spoken as everyone was covered in various foodstuffs. Finally settling on one figure, he nodded. “Yes?” As he spoke, he realized he had picked the wrong one as out of the corner of his eye, he spied a chocolate cake hurtling through the air towards him. He ducked, but was too late and the cake hit him in the back covering his silvery white garb in gooey brown frosting and cake bits.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?” Stark’s voice cut through the noise, causing everyone to stop what they had been doing to turn and stare at the source of the sound.

“Tony!” Thor raised his arms up to greet his friend. Striding across the room, he reached out to grab Stark.

“WHOA! Hands off, cherry pie,” Stark backed away from Thor. “What happened to you?”

“I have found my brother, and he is alive!” Thor crowed, wiping some of the food off his face.

“Um, I knew that,” Tony replied.

“You knew Loki was alive?” Thor stared at him incredulously.

“Yeah, he showed up with a few friends one day… was going to tell you, but didn’t have your phone number,” Tony quipped.

“Phone number?” Thor looked at Stark strangely, not quite understanding.

“Never mind. Listen, if you want to like catch up with your brother, you know, find out what happened and everything, I would strongly suggest… THERE HE GOES!” Stark pointed towards the doorway where Loki and Thranduil were fleeing out of the room.

“LOKI!” Thor roared, racing after his brother.

“This ought to be interesting,” Tony said to no one in particular. “I think I might just follow and watch.”

Chapter Text

Author’s Note: I do apologize for taking so long to update this and my other story. Summer was busier than I had hoped with two classes rather than one. Back to work, but now only one class to focus on so I should be able to update more frequently! Thanks for your patience… and for all the lovely comments. I am having a blast writing this silly story.

Chapter 26: Looki, Loki, Everywhere!

“Damn!” Loki pushed through a small group of people as he tried to escape.

“Is that your brother?” Thranduil asked as they raced past a group of people gathered around a Spider Man who was posing for the crows.

“Yes, at least I believe it is,” Loki skidded to a stop as he spotted what he thought was Thor standing near a doorway. His eyes narrowed as he inspected the Thor closely, finally realizing it was a woman. He burst out laughing. “By the gods… if Thor sees that,” he jerked his chin towards the woman.

“There you are!” Tauriel appeared at Thranduil’s side. “We have been searching all over for you two. Do you know how many people here are dressed like you?” she asked Loki.

“Not enough of them,” Loki sighed. “My brother has still managed to find me. Sif? Did you see that?” He pointed out the female Thor.

Sif stared across the room. “Mortals!” she sniffed.

Loki chuckled. “They are a bit odd.”

Sif’s face split into a wide grin. “I’ll say. Take a look at what just joined Ms. Thor.”

Loki focused on the woman, noticing a second female had joined her. This one was dressed up in a Loki-styled costume. He groaned. “Seriously?” He burst out laughing as yet another woman joined the group, this one dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. “What the Hel is that?”

Tauriel stared at the strangely garbed woman who had appeared. “I do not know, but it looks… like a dwarf, only taller.”

“That is Captain Jack Sparrow,” a voice from behind them stated.

They all whirled around to stare at another human, this one a male dressed as the pirate Jack Sparrow.

“What precisely is a Jack Crow?” Thranduil inquired.

“Sparrow! And it is Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow, mind you,” the pirate corrected him. “Have you been hiding under a rock these past ten years? The next installment of the movies is due out next year.” He held out a bottle. “Rum?”

“Run?” Loki’s head swiveled around, scanning the room. “Is Thor back?”

“What? I asked if you wanted some rum…” the pirate whispered. “But don’t say it too loudly. We’ll get kicked out if they find out.”

“Kicked out? For rum run?” Sif asked.

“Not rum runners, rum,” the pirate lifted his bottle again, this time taking a swig. Using the back of his hand, he wiped a few drops off his mouth. “Well, been a pleasure. Nice costumes by the way.” He turned and swayed as he walked across the room, bowing at the party of Marvel ladies as he passed them.

“LOKI!” Thor’s voice bellowed out.

Loki’s eyes landed on his brother. Thor was searching the room, but had not seen him yet. “This way,” Loki hissed. He darted across the room and ducked behind the female version of Thor.

The woman turned to stare at him. “Well… well… well… look what the cat dragged in, ladies.” Her voice practically purred as she inspected Loki from head to toe.

“Oooh… he’s got friends too!” Lady Loki giggled as Thranduil, Tauriel, and Sif joined them. “I like this one,” she eyed Thranduil, batting her eyelashes at him seductively.

“Ah, ladies…”

“OH! Can I get your picture? You guys have the best costumes ever!”

The group turned to discover a young man standing there with a fancy camera pointed at them. The women quickly grouped together to pose.

“Guys! Get in the picture! You don’t want to disappoint the man, do you?” Lady Thor snapped.

Lady Loki snagged Thranduil’s arm and pulled him close to her. “I go this one!”

Lady Thor laughed. “I want my brother! Ooooh… doesn’t that just sound… wrong?”

“Oh my god, Nikki, you are so baaad!” Captain American laughed. She then grabbed Sif and Tauriel. “You too, gals. Come on. Get in the picture.”

“I really do not believe this is a good idea…” Loki began, his eyes staring in the direction where he had last seen his real brother.

“Thanks!” the young man said as he snapped his photo. “Great outfits.”

“Well… if you ladies will excuse us…” Loki began.

“Ummm… wait. We can, ah... go get a drink or something. Did you enter the costume contest? I think it might be cool if we entered as a group, don’t you?” Lady Thor asked, clearly trying to keep them around. “I mean, not you two…” she said, directing her comment to the elves.

“Wait, it’s all or none,” Loki announced, suddenly getting an idea.

“Cool, that would be awesome!” Lady Loki chimed in.  “They can all join us… I mean… we can get them dressed up in something else. Did you guys bring any other costumes? Or just those LOTR ones? Not that they aren’t good, but we could make a good entry. You’d do an okay Thor…” she said to Thranduil. “Although you are a bit smallish.”

Thranduil bristled at the implied insult. “Smallish?” he asked disdainfully.

Loki grinned. “I’ve got an idea. Just go with it,” he whispered to his group, then turned to speak to Lady Thor. “Sure, we’ll join you. Where do we sign up? And, yes… they did bring along other, ah… costumes.”

“Oh? What are they going to go as? We could use a Thor, but not sure what she can go as,” Lady Thor pointed to Tauriel.

“Ah, she brought along her Black Widow outfit,” Loki replied.

“Ain’t she a little tall for the Widow?” Lady Loki asked, staring up at the she-elf.

“Don’t worry, she’ll look fine for the costume contest. Now, where do we sign up?” Loki asked.

“This way,” Lady Thor headed towards the door on the east side of the hall. “And you could enter the look-alike contest too. You look pretty damn good for Loki.”

“I’m entering that one!” Lady Loki piped up.

“I sure hope you know what you are doing!” Sif hissed.

Loki glanced at her, suddenly realizing she had not called out to Thor.

“He’ll kill you if he catches up with you,” Sif grinned, knowing what he’d been thinking. “And somehow, I seem to think someone doesn’t want you dead, although I cannot wait till he actually catches up with you.”

Chapter Text

Author’s Note: Once again, real life has kept me from updating my stories. Hope you enjoy this little snippet of insanity. 

Chapter 28 – Exit Stage Left… or was that Right?

Loki and his party trailed behind the ladies. As they exited the room, he glanced back noticing that Thor was still searching for him, but hadn’t seen him yet. He breathed a sigh of relief. “Which room are we going to?”

“The West Ballroom. Why? You guys going to go change?” Lady Thor asked.

“Right… change. We need to change.” Loki walked over to a door and opened it slowly. Peering into the room, he noticed it was empty. “Wait here,” he instructed to the ladies as he motioned for his party to enter.

“What are we going to do in here?” Thranduil demanded as soon as they were all in the room.

“We need to change for this contest… so…” Loki grinned.

Sif giggled as she saw the sudden changes in Thranduil and Tauriel.

Tauriel looked down in dismay at the black cat suit she now wore. “I am not going out in there wearing this!” the she-elf said angrily.

“You don’t have a choice if we want to get out of here without my brother finding us,” Loki replied.

“Why do you not wish him to find you?” Tauriel asked.

“Let’s just say, he thought I was dead… again,” Loki answered.

Tauriel shook her head. “I still do not understand…” her voice trailed off as she stared at Thranduil. He now looked exactly like Thor. “Who…? How…?”

“Remember, I’m a wizard, right?” Loki grinned.

Thranduil stared down at his new form. “You can do this? You are doing this?”

“Indeed. Now, we need to go join our new companions.” Loki walked to the door and held it open for them.

The ladies were posing for photos as they exited the room. Lady Loki caught sight of them. “Damn! That was fast… and wow… if those aren’t the best costumes ever. If we don’t win, I’ll eat my hat!”

Thranduil stared up at the golden helmet she was wearing. “I would not recommend that course of action.”

“Figure of speech,” Lady Loki said with a laugh. “Although, the first one I made was edible… sort of.”

“Sort of?” Tauriel asked.

“Come on! We gotta hurry or we won’t be able to enter!” The female Captain America started walking down the hallway.

“Shame we don’t have a Stark, Hulk, or Hawkeye to complete the ensemble…” Lady Thor mused. “Oh My God!” She stopped dead in her tracks pointing.

“What?” Lady Loki asked, then saw what her friend was pointing at, or rather --- who she had discovered.

Tony Stark was striding down the hallway heading directly to them, Pepper Potts at his side. “Loki? Where the hell have you been? We’ve been searching for you…” He noticed Loki’s companions. “I see you found your brother. What happened to those elves?”

“Those elves are still here,” Thranduil said imperiously, sniffing disdainfully at Stark.

“Oh,” Stark looked confused for a second. “Did you…?”

Loki nodded. “Yes, I did. Now… we are trying to avoid my brother…”

“Say, you know these guys?” Lady Thor asked. “Are you going to join us? We were, like, just saying how it was a shame we didn’t have a Tony Stark or any of the others. You look pretty good, I guess. And a Pepper Potts won’t hurt to add to our group.”

“Ladies?” Stark looked a them in utter confusion.

“They think you’re in a costume,” Sif whispered to Stark. “They don’t think you are who you are… at least, I think you are who you look like you are. That’s not a costume, is it?”

“What do you mean? Of course I’m Tony Stark!” Stark bellowed.

“Wow! He even sounds like him!” Lady Loki said.

“That’s because I am him. My god, I own this hotel, right Pepper? I do own this one, don’t I?” Stark turned to Pepper.

“Actually, no. I own it. You gave it to me last summer for my birthday,” Pepper smiled at him.

“Your birthday? Why would I do that?” Stark asked.

“You told me to buy me something I wanted… well…” Pepper grinned at Tony.

“Oh, well…”

“Listen. You two in with us or not?” Lady Thor asked. “We gotta get in there now.”

“In?”

“Yes, they are,” Loki replied, linking his arm through Stark’s. “Just come along and pretend you’re not Tony Stark,” he hissed quietly.

They finally entered the room, following the Lady Thor as she walked directly to one table. “We wanna enter the costume contest as a group,” her arm swept back to indicate the entire group.

The woman sitting at the table pushed a card across the table at her. “Fill out the name of your group, there is a $10 entry fee. Who’s gonna pay?”

“I’ve got it… somewhere,” the female Captain America piped up. She started digging through her belt, finally extracting a twenty-dollar bill. “And don’t forget, these two are in the Loki Lookalike contest too!”

The woman at the table looked up at Loki and Lady Loki. “Not too bad, I guess. Not my favorite, personally I always liked Superman best.”

“Supper man?” Sif asked. “You mean there is one who likes to eat?”

“No, Super – not supper,” the woman quickly corrected her.

“Oh… sorry,” Sif smiled apologetically. “Why is he super?”

“Seriously?” The woman looked at her incredulously. “Whatever. Anyways, here are your entry badges,” she shoved some plastic badges across to them. “And you two, put this on yours.” She handed Loki and Lady Loki a small golden sticker that looked like Lady Loki’s helmet. “That gets you entered in the look-a-like competition.”

Lady Thor scooped up the badges. “Thanks!” She passed out the badges, instructing them to put them on, making sure the helmet stickers were placed on the appropriate ones. “Now we gotta mingle. The judges could be anywhere in here.”

They spent the next twenty minutes moving through the room. Loki kept his eyes on the doors, watching for his brother. Every time someone entered the room, he stiffened slightly until he was assured it wasn’t Thor.

Someone finally stepped up to the microphone on the stage. “Okay folks! Can we get all the contestants lined up? We’re gonna start with the Loki Look-a-like competition.”

Lady Loki grabbed Loki’s arm. “Come on! That’s us!” She pulled him up closer to the stage where a young man was organizing all the contestants. He added them to the line and instructed the group to go up behind the and walk out one-by-one once the announcer started.

“Now, the winner of this competition, gets a free ticket to Sea World,” the announcer started. “So, Loki… Come On out!”

The first Loki strutted playfully onto the stage, mincing his steps carefully.

“I do not walk like that!” Loki hissed.

“Shhh… it’s just his way of getting the judges attention. I mean, seriously… we all look like Loki so we gotta finda way to stand out. Got it?” Lady Loki warned him.

Loki rolled his eyes.

When it was her turn, Lady Loki pasted a brilliant smile on her face and with an exaggerated sway of her hips, walked onto the stage. She paused in the middle and waved out at the audience, then blew them a kiss.

Loki sighed.

“Your turn, dude!” The guy behind him shoved him forward.

Loki stumbled onto the stage. “You little bilge snipe!” He shouted back at the man who had shoved him. Regaining his balance, he heard the sniggers from the audience. Glaring at them, he stalked to join the row of other Lokis arrayed on the stage.

“What was that all about?” Lady Loki whispered.

“Nothing,” Loki snapped.

Once everyone was on stage, the announcer walked up and down, pausing by each Loki allowing the audience to cheer for their favorite.

“Ok, folks. Looks like we have a winner,” the announcer said as a girl ran up on stage with an envelop. Ripping it open, he scanned the paper. “And the winner is…!” He ran over to the Lokis and grabbed the man who had pushed Loki onto the stage. “LOKI!”

“Seriously?” Loki sneered. “That one looks nothing like me.”

“LOKI!” Thor’s voice bellowed in the room.

Loki’s eyes darted to the source. He saw the look of complete confusion on his brother’s face as he took in the stage filled with an assortment of Lokis.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me…” Loki spoke quietly to Lady Loki. “I do believe it is time to leave.” Slouching down, making himself shorter than the other Lokis, Loki slowly slid to the back of the group.

“Oh no you don’t!” Thor shouted, swinging Mjölnir he flew up to the stage. Landing with a resounding thump, he reached out and grabbed Loki… only it wasn’t his brother. “You are going nowhere until you explain everything to me.”

“Knowhere? Awesome! You buying? And how’d you do that trick?” the man asked Thor.

“What?” Thor asked him.

“Didn’t you know they renamed the bar Knowhere for this year’s con?”

“Thor?” Start queried. “The real Thor?”

“Of course I’m real,” Thor looked around, suddenly realizing the room was filled with various costumed people, many resembling him. “What is going on?”

While Thor was trying to understand the man he’d grabbed, along with how he’d ended up in a room filled with Lokis and a few Thors, Loki took advantage of the distraction and slipped off the stage. Heading directly to Thranduil and the others, he nodded his head towards the door behind the stage. “This way.”

“I cannot believe it!” Loki growled once they were clear of the room. He took a moment and returned the others to their normal form.

“Believe what?” Thranduil asked.

“That… that man they chose; he did not look anything like me!” Loki sniffed disparagingly.

Sif smirked. “I thought he looked pretty good myself.”

“He was shorter… and… his hair was all straggly, and… his clothes, they weren’t even made with real leather!” Loki spit out.

Sif roared with laughter. “Awww, poor Loki. Didn’t even win a Loki Look-a-like contest. Guess that means you don’t look like Loki.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 29: Blonds Have More Fun!

“Sif!” Loki snapped, furious at her comments regarding his loss at the contest. He turned abruptly and stalked away.

Sif stifled a laugh, then gasped. “Loki?”

He had disappeared.

She walked to where he had last been standing. “Loki? Seriously, I was just kidding. Where the Hel did he go now

Thranduil shrugged. “Hard to say. I do hope you have not caused my wizard to disappear, unless you are capable of magic as well?”

Sif frowned. “No, sorry. Can’t help you there. Loki was our resident mischief-maker back on Asgard, if that is what you are calling magic.”

“Mischief…”

“SIF!” Thor bellowed as he caught up to them. “How did you get here, and where is Loki? That was Loki I saw you with, the real Loki, right?”

“Thor, ah.. . yessss,” Sif hesitated. “Ummm, why do you ask?”

“Sif? What do you mean? He is my brother. I thought he was dead and now I discover he is alive. How can that be?” Thor asked.

“Well, actually, I do not know. Thranduil found him, or was it the other way around? Did he find you?” She looked over at the elven King.

“My wizard, I found him. I do not care if he is your brother, he is my wizard. Now return him at once!” Thranduil demanded.

“Return him?” Thor looked completely befuddled. “I do not have him. He was with you back there. Where did he go?”

Sif laughed. “That is the question. We have no clue where he went to this time… and it appears he went alone,” she glanced around, then gasped. “Where is Tauriel?”

Thranduil frowned. “She was standing over there I thought.”

They searched the room, only to discover the she-elf was missing also. “Perhaps she is with Loki?” Sif ventured.

“But where is my brother?” Thor demanded again.

“As I said, we have no clue. He… or rather we, seem to keep being moved through the realms, although it appears that this time Loki and Tauriel left without us,” Sif replied. “If we hang out here long enough, chances are we’ll end up somewhere else as well.”

“What do you mean?” Thor asked, clearly confused. “And how is he alive? I saw him die!”

Sif shrugged. “I wish I could answer that, but it seems someone wants to keep him with us a bit longer, so he is definitely still alive. And whoever is behind this keeps shifting our location. We’ve also been split up before, so I am guessing if we are just patient we will eventually be reunited with him again.”

“Sif, you are making no…” Thor’s voice trailed off as Sif disappeared. “Sif?” He stared at the spot she had been standing at just seconds ago. “Now where did she go?”

Thranduil sighed.

“Are you responsible for this?” Thor focused on the elf.

“Hardly. I was happily hunting orcs when I stumbled upon your brother, who agreed to be my wizard. Now, if you do not know where he is, I suggest…”

“Marcia? What the hell do you mean that Viktor has refused to show up? He agreed! He signed a contract. We need him or … or… Damn!” Kat stumbled as she exited the cab, too intent on her phone conversation to notice the curb.

“No… no I’m fine, hang on,” she mumbled into her cell phone as she dug through her purse. Tossing the cabbie a bill, she nodded at him. “Keep the change.”

The cabbie looked at the bill and nodded.

Kat slammed the door shut and stepped up onto the sidewalk. “Ok, now what happened?” She stood in the middle of the sidewalk listening. “No, that is not acceptable. You know if we don’t get a top model for this cover, we’re going to die… we’ll lose our jobs at the very least if the magazine even survives. This whole issue was meant to revive this, and it hinges on the cover. Women are not going to be the magazine with some second rate dude on it. We need Viktor. Now get him on the phone and tell him to get his skinny ass over her for the photo shoot he agree to or else!”

She listened for a few seconds as people brushed past her. “Listen, get him on the phone by the time I get up there…” her voice trailed off. She stared at the two men who had just appeared in front of her. “Oh My God! Marcia, never mind about Viktor. I just found the perfect solution. Call Marcus and tell him to get his cameras ready. I’ll be up in five!” She clicked the phone off and walked over to the two men. “Well, hello there. Listen boys, I need a favor. Could you spare me a little bit of your time? I’ll make sure you’re well paid for it.”

Thor turned to stare at Kat. “Who are you?”

“And where are we?” Thranduil asked.

“New York City,” Kat grinned. “Where did you think you were? Middle Earth?”

“Actually, we were in a place called Lost Wages, I believe. Just a moment ago to be precise,” Thranduil replied.

“Lost wages?” Kat looked at him oddly. “Oh, you mean Las Vegas! I get it. Yeah, Lost wages… good one.”

“New York?” Thor took note of their surroundings. “This does look familiar. But how did we get here?”

Thranduil shrugged. “Ask my wizard… if you can find him.”

“Wizard?” Kat asked.

“My brother. What favor do you require of us?” Thor asked, curious how they could help as he did not see any signs of attack in the area.

“Oh, right! Come on in. I just need you two for about an hour… would you mind posing for a magazine cover?” Kat flashed a smile at the pair.

“Magazine cover? What is this magazine that requires covering?” Thranduil asked.

“Realm, it’s fairly new so you might not have heard of it, but we have this great issue all planned out and our male model just canceled. I need a gorgeous hunk of a man to sell this issue and, well…” Kat swept a hand towards the god and king, “you two more than fit the bill. I mean, honestly… a Thor look-alike, and damn… I don’t know who you are, but you look just like that dude that was in the Hobbit, the one that played Thranduil.”

Thranduil blinked. “Excuse me, but I AM Thranduil.”

“Yeah, what-ever…” she glanced at Thor. “And I suppose you’re going to tell me you’re the real Thor, right?”

Thor looked at her and nodded. “I am.”

Kat laughed. “Hey, if that’s what you believe, I don’t care. As long as you’re willing to pose for the cover of Realm, you can say you are the King of England for all I care.”

“I am the King of Mirkwood, I do not know what this England is that you speak of,” Thranduil quickly corrected her.

“So… do we have a deal?” She ignored Thranduil’s comment, trying to close the deal.

“It will only take an hour?” Thor asked.

Grinning, Kat nodded. “An hour. And I promise you’ll be well compensated.”

“Do you have champagne?” Thranduil asked.

Kat thought quickly, then nodded. “No problem. Deal?”

Thor and Thranduil exchanged a quick glance. “Might as well. Who knows when my wizard will return.”

“You mean my brother.”

Thranduil rolled his eyes.

“This way boys.” Kat grabbed Thor’s arm, guiding him towards the door of the building they had been standing in front of.

“Did you catch a glimpse of them?” one lady whispered, peering down the hallway.

“Hell, yeah. HAWT!”

“If this doesn’t sell magazines, I don’t know what will. Man, I’m so glad I stayed late today.”

“Me too. Do you think Kat will ask for any help in there?”

The door to the studio flew open. “Ladies?” Kat burst into the hallway. “Seriously! We can hear you in there. Don’t you have any work to do?”

Six pairs of eyes looked at her, heads shaking. “No…”

Kat sighed. “Fine… I need another couple of bottles of champagne… and just pipe down. Got it?” She went back into the studio, leaving the door open. The six women who’d been hanging out in the hallway scurried towards the open door, peering inside.

“Okay, um.. you,” Kat pointed at Thor. “Would you mind taking that top off? Leave the cape on, I like the red… and you,” she pointed at Thranduil.

“I refuse to undress…”

“I wasn’t about to ask that of you. You look, ah… elegant just as you are. A sense of mystery. I like it… Marcus?” Kat turned to face the photographer. “What do you think?”

“Mystery, yes. Less light if that is what you want for him… and this one…“ his eyes raked over Thor’s form. “I agree… shirt off. You look like you work out. Muscle will sell.”

“You desire me to remove my shirt?” Thor asked.

“You got it, sweet cheeks,” Kat smiled. “Keep the cape though, I like it.”

Thor shrugged, removing the cape first so he could take off his shirt. Once he was topless, he turned to face Kat. “I do not understand the point of this modeling, but…”

“Oh, perfect,” Kat sighed, staring at his muscular chest.

“Shelby, spritz his hair! I’d like a few droplets on it… glistening… make it look like he just stepped out of the shower…” Marcus commanded.

A short man appeared, spraying water on Thor’s hair.

“Hey! Stop it!” Thor threw his hands up to try to stop the spray.

“It’s just water… don’t hit me,” Shelby squeaked.

Thor shook his head, water flying everywhere. Marcus focused his camera on the god and the shutter clicked in rapid fire succession as he zoomed in, taking photos as fast as he could.

“Perfect… keep it up, just a few more…”

Thor’s hair flew around his face as he continued to shake off the water.

A collective sigh erupted from the open doorway.

Author's Note: Don't worry, Loki is still around. I have to thank one of my readers for an idea, so this ought to be interesting to see how it turns out.

Chapter Text

Chapter 30: My Preciousssss!

Loki stared at his current surroundings. He was back in a meadow, no buildings in sight, bounded by a forest. “Now where the Hel am I?”

“Gollum! Gollum!” A squeaky voice sounded. “They stole my precioussss!”

“Where is Gollum and what precisely is a precious?” Loki turned toward the voice, seeing a strange creature slinking along the ground. The creature had burns on pieces of his skin, and a scrap of cloth covering his nether regions.

The creature scowled at him. “You know not where you are?” His bulbous eyes blinked.

Loki glanced around once again. “I’m guessing Middle Earth once again.”

“You are correct!” Legolas emerged from the forest. His bow trained on the creature. “How did you survive? Frodo said you leapt into the mountain after the ring.”

“Nasty elves. We don’t speak to elves,” Gollum spat, slinking away from Legolas he sat on the ground and crossed his arms.

“If you insist,” Legolas looked at Loki. “Where is my father? He was with you last I saw him.”

“He was with me the last I saw him as well. We were at some type of gathering, then I showed up here. Which, to be honest, is quite fine as my brother had shown up. That is not a good thing,” Loki replied. “What is this creature?”

“That is the one who stole the One Ring. But according to Frodo, he jumped into Mount Doom after he cut off his finger,” Legolas pointed to Gollum.

Loki stared at Gollum. “He does not appear to have cut off any of his fingers, although he does have less than either of us.”

“Not him, Frodo’s finger,” Legolas corrected him.

“Who is this Frodo?” Loki asked. “Have I met him yet?”

“I would guess not since you don’t seem to remember him,” Legolas moved towards Gollum.

Gollum scampered away, darting behind Loki.

“Do not think I shall save you,” Loki hissed at the creature, stepping sideways.

“He is probably harmless now that the ring is destroyed, but I honestly thought he was dead,” Legolas said.

“I am not dead!” Gollum hissed.

“Obviously,” Loki looked down at him. “And don’t spit on my boots. I just had them cleaned.”

Gollum looked up. “You’re as bad as elveses. Nasty elveses.”

“I am not an elf…”

“He is my father’s wizard, and if you do not behave he shall turn you into a frog or an elf!” Legolas warned Gollum.

“No,” Gollum whined. “Do not turn me into something else. I like my precious.”

“Well, at least someone likes you. Now, how did you survive? Tell me or I will have him turn you into something,” Legolas said.

Gollum slunk out from behind Loki. “Falling, falling, I was. Then I was here. Precious is missing again,” he whined.

“Precious is gone, destroyed!” Legolas frowned. “That does not make any sense.”

“Actually, it rather does. I would venture that who ever, ah, saved, me probably did the same for him. Although I cannot imagine why,” Loki interjected.

Gollum looked up at Loki hopefully. “Precious is saved?”

“No, precious is destroyed. You were saved, though we know not why,” Legolas sighed. “Well, hopefully we can figure this out eventually. Follow me,” he said, walking back into the forest.

Loki nodded to Gollum. “Best we follow.”

“Not following nasty elves,” Gollum grumped.

A wail sounded overhead. Loki looked up seeing a large winged bird.

“Follow me then, or stay here and get eaten by that,” Loki pointed to the bird, turned on his heel and stalked into the forest, clearly not caring if Gollum followed or was eaten by the bird.

Gollum glanced up, realizing that he would be easily snapped up by the bird, he chose to chase after Loki. “Waits! Waits for me!”

“What is this precious that the creature speaks of?” Loki asked Legolas when he caught up to him.

“A ring, or more precisely, the One Ring. Frodo was sent to destroy it, and almost failed. If it were not for that creature, Gollum, who knows what might have happened,” Legolas explained.

Deciding he was probably not going to learn much more, especially if this ring was destroyed, Loki dropped the topic. “Where are we heading?”

“Gondor. It will take us about a day, but I want to inform the King that Gollum still lives,” Legolas snuck a look back and noticed that Gollum was following them.

“I thought you father was the King,” Loki replied.

“King of Mirkwood. Aragorn is King of Arnor, and King of Gondor, and our first High King of the reunited Kingdoms. With the destruction of the Ring, and Sauron’s defeat, he was able to ascend to the throne,” Legolas provided a very brief history of recent events.

“Now, I confess to the fact that I am very confused. Your father has never spoken of these events,” Loki replied. “When I first met him, he was looking for some vile creatures and spoke of some war against a dragon.”

Legolas looked at him curiously. “That happened over sixty years ago!”

Loki shrugged. “I don’t think the Norns care about time.”

“Norns?” Legolas asked.

“I believe they are the ones behind all this,” Loki replied.

“Oh,” Legolas wasn’t exactly sure how to reply to that comment.

“It is the only plausible answer I can come up with. And it would explain your friend’s being alive,” Loki pointed towards Gollum.

“He’s no friend of mine!” Legolas was quick to correct Loki about his relationship with Gollum. “I would just have easily killed him when we first found him. Might have saved us a bit of trouble.” He paused and looked closely at Gollum. “But you might be right. See those burns?”

“I did notice them. What do they tell you?”

“Well, Mount Doom is a fiery volcano. Since Frodo said Gollum fell into it, that might explain why he has the burns. If he was saved by these Norns of yours. Could they just pluck him out of the fires as he was falling?” Legolas asked.

Loki laughed. “Considering I am standing here very much alive, I would say that yes, they could do that.”

“What happened to you?” Legolas asked.

“I was stabbed by Kurse. I ought to have died… in fact, I thought I was dead when I woke up here, in Middle Earth, which is when I encountered your father. I’ll take life over death and not complain any day.”

Gollum slunk up behind them. “Nasty elveses. Makes us walks for hours with no food.”

Without warning, their surroundings disappeared.

Loki grimaced as he realized they’d been sent back to Earth. They were standing in a small hallway, but he wasn’t certain where on Earth they were.

“Hey! Stop it!” Thor’s voice boomed from an open doorway. Five women were clustered around the doorway, peering into a room. They each sighed.

Loki looked at his new companions. “I do believe we have located my brother. Perhaps your father is with him.” Without waiting for an answer, he walked up to the women. Tapping one on the shoulder, she jumped,

“Oh!” she squeaked. Then realizing that there were two more handsome men standing in the hallway – Loki and Legolas, she grinned broadly. “Are you here for the photo-shoot too?”

Loki ignored her and swept past her into the room. Taking one look at his brother, he sniggered before finally speaking.

“Thor, really?” Loki threw back his head and laughed, seeing his half-naked brother soaked in water.

Chapter Text

Chapter 31: Whoomp! There it Is!

Thor’s head jerked at the sound of his brother’s voice. “Loki?” He stared at the doorway. “You ARE alive!”

Loki looked down, carefully inspecting himself. “So it would appear.”

Thor stepped off the small dais, pushing past the photographer and his assistants he walked towards his brother. He reached out to grasp him.

“Whoa!” Loki stepped back, holding his arms out to prevent Thor from touching him. “You are all wet. Can’t get the leather wet, now can we?”

Thor ignored him and wrapped his arms around his brother. “I cannot believe you are alive!”

Loki wriggled out of his brother’s grasp. “Well, I am. I shall explain later. Now what, precisely, are you doing?”

Thor shrugged. “Modeling.”

“Why?” Loki’s eyebrow arched up incredulously.

“Well… they did ask us, and it would be impolite to say no. Mother always said to be polite,” Thor replied.

“Father?” Legolas stepped past the brothers to enter the room. His gaze instantly landed on his father. He breathed a sigh of relief to see his father was still fully clothed, unlike Thor who was half naked.

“Ah, Legolas,” Thranduil smiled. “Just in time. Ladies? Would you see that my son gets some of this lovely champagne?” He raised his glass in salute to his son. “Splendid drink. We must take some back with us.”

One of the ladies quickly poured a glass of champagne and offered it to Legolas. Legolas accepted it and sniffed it first. Wrinkling his nose slightly as the bubbles burst upon the surface of the liquid, he finally took a sip. “Not bad,” he said, nodding his head.

Kat quickly surveyed the newcomers, a wide smile breaking across her face. “Gentlemen, I do hope you will join us. You will make splendid additions to our photo shoot.”

Loki looked at her sardonically. “Do you seriously expect us to?”

Unfazed, Kat smiled at him. “It would be worth your while…”

With everyone’s attention on Legolas and Loki, Gollum was able to enter into the room unnoticed. He slithered towards a table laden with food. Snaking a hand up, he snatched a cookie from a plate. Stuffing it into his mouth, he started to chew on it. “Pfffft!” He spat out the cookie. “Nasssty, do you have any fishes?” He turned his big bulbous eyes on Kat.

One of the ladies giggled. “Oh my, that dog is so ugly it is almost cute!”

“Ummm, Nancy… that dog just spoke words,” one of her friends replied.

“Oooh. What is it?” The ladies started to crowd around Gollum.

“Ah, you might not want to get to close. It does bite,” Legolas warned.

Gollum hissed and snarled as the women crowded around him.

“Does he have his rabies shots?”

“Rabies?” Loki looked curiously at the woman who had spoken. “What is this rabies that you speak of?”

“You ain’t never heard of rabies? Where on Earth are you from?”

“That might be the problem…”

Gollum, nervous at the crowd surrounding him, jumped up on the table of food. Grabbing a handful of what ever was closest to him, he started throwing it at the women.

“Someone call Animal Control!”

“No! Security!”

“CEASE this nonsense!” Thranduil’s voice rang out, silencing everyone with his commanding tone. “That is no dog.”

“I told you so,” one lady said to the woman closest to her. “Too funny looking, even for one of them Shar Pei things.”

“No, it looks more like a Snickerdoodle… or was that a Snuffledoodle? You know, one of them mixed poodle breeds.”

“Actually, his name once was Sméagol,” Thranduil stated. “Now he is called Gollum for those horrid noises he makes. Is there any more champagne? This is making me thirsty.”

Kat nodded to one of the ladies who quickly refilled the Elven King’s glass.

“Don’t you mean Meagle? That cross between a beagle and a min pin,” Nancy replied.

“No, that is his name. Or rather, was his name,” Thranduil looked down his nose at her. With a huff, he whirled around. “Now are we done with this nonsense?”

“Are you in a hurry to go somewhere?” Kat asked.

Loki shrugged. “Hard to say. All depends.”

“Depends on what?” Kat asked.

Without warning, Kat and Loki disappeared.

“Where the hell did they go to? I wasn’t done!” Marcus shouted.

“I would imagine we will discover that shortly. Seems to happen without warning,” Thranduil replied. His gaze wandered around the room, finally spotting what he was looking for. “Legolas? Would you mind grabbing a few of those bottles?” He pointed to the unopened champagne bottles sitting on a sideboard.

Legolas nodded, handing two to his father as he grabbed two for himself. No sooner had he done so, his father disappeared along with Gollum. Seconds later, Legolas disappeared from the room as well.”

“Where are we?” Kat demanded. Staring around, she discovered she was standing in an open meadow, surround by aspen trees. Tall, snow-capped mountains rose up in the distance.

Loki shrugged. “We shall find out soon enough. I wonder if the others will be joining us?”

“What the hell do you mean?”

“Seems to be happening often. Ever since Kurse killed me, or rather, didn’t kill me… or…”

Legolas and the others popped into view.

Loki swept an arm around. “Welcome to… here. Wherever here is. Anyone have a clue?”

Kat crinkled her nose up. “Looks like Colorado, or Wyoming, or somewhere out west. How the hell did we get here?”

“Norn express,” Loki replied.

“Is that a new airline?” Kat asked.

“Air what?”

Kat was about to respond when three cowboys galloped into the meadow. Racing up to the small group, they stopped their horses inches away from Thor. “Howdy, pardners. Did y’all just git in? Din’t know we had more guests a’coming today, but welcome. Sorry we weren’t at the bus stop to greet y’all.”

“I accept your apology,” Thor replied graciously as he struggled to figure out what they were talking about.

“Where are we?” Kat demanded.

“Welcome to the Circle OK Dude Ranch, folks! I’m Whitey, and these two fellers are Bob and Jim. If you don’t mind waiting a spell, we can send back to the ranch for a transport for y’all.”

“If it is not far, we can easily walk,” Thor replied.

Whitey surveyed the group, taking in the elegant clothing of the elves and Loki, the bottles of champagne Thranduil and Legolas bore, and Kat’s high heels. “I think it might be best iffin you just wait a spell. Won’t take the boys long.” He nodded to Bob and Jim who spun their horses around and galloped back the way they had come. “Now, where y’all from?”

“New York,” Kat replied. “And… “

“We were recently in Las Vegas,” Loki supplied that information. “After attending an event in California.”

“So yer from California?” Whitey eyed him suspiciously. “Makes sense, I guess. All kinds of folks live there.”

“No, we are not from California. We are from Asgard, and our friends here are from Middle Earth,” Thor corrected.

“Middle Bury? England? Can’t say as we’ve ever had any Brits here before.”

Thor shook his head. “No, not England. Another place…” before he could finish, a four-wheel drive vehicle came bouncing into the meadow with Bob at the wheel.

“Ah, here comes your ride,” Whitey grinned. “We can chat back at the ranch. He wheeled his horse around and galloped off.

Loki looked at his brother. “Welcome to my new life, brother. Rather interesting, is it not?” He did not wait for an answer, but walked to the vehicle and climbed inside. “Coming?” he called out to the others.

Chapter Text

Chapter 32: Dude, Seriously?

“I am terribly sorry, but I can’t seem to locate your reservation.” The lady standing behind the reception desk was wearing a white cowboy hat, blue jeans, and a plaid shirt. A name tag was pinned to her shirt stating her name was Marci. She punched various keys on the computer in front of her as she shook her head.

“Marcus, seriously! Finish those photos and get the hell out here,” Kat paused in her phone conversation and looked at the cowboy nearest her. “Where the hell are we?”

“Ah, the Circle OK Dude Ranch, ma’am,” the cowboy replied politely, although he was staring at her with a confused look. He sidled away from her and spoke to another cowboy. “How can they not know where they are?”

“I know it’s the Circle OK, but what’s the closest airport?” Kat demanded.

“Denver,” Marci replied as she continued to work at the computer. “What name was it made under?”

Loki stared at her. “How can it be possible the reservation was lost? I am certain we had a confirmation.” He was bluffing but wasn’t about to let on to Marci about it.

“Name?” Marci repeated.

Whitey entered at that moment, followed by Jim and Bob. “What seems ta be the problem, Marci?”

Marci looked up exasperated. “I cannot find the reservation. I was just asking what name it was under when you came in.”

“Try, ah Odinson,” Loki offered.

Marci typed in the name, stared at her screen, then shook her head. “Nothing, sorry.”

“Well, don’t be worryin’ yer little head Marci. Didn’t you say we had that cancellation? Those folks from Florida? Or was it Georgia?” Whitey scratched his head as he tried to recall the information.

“Right!” Marci grinned. “We can use those two cabins…” she looked up at Loki. “That is if it alright with you, Mr. Odinson? The cabins can accommodate up to seven people per cabin.”

Loki looked at the group that had made it with him this time, counting heads. He blinked, realizing that their party had grown as Sif and Tauriel were now standing in the corner. “Hmm, who’s missing? Or… maybe I shouldn’t ask that?”

“Um, we don’t allow pets in the guest rooms though. Your dog will have to stay in the kennels,” Marci stated as she noticed Gollum slinking around.

“That isn’t a dog, it’s a…” Loki paused, glancing at Thranduil. “What precisely is he?”

Thranduil shrugged. “Hobbit ancestor of some sort. Do not recall the actual name.”

“Hobbit? Ummm, they are only in books and movies,” Marci interrupted. “But if you’re insisting it is a person, I’ll need a name for it. In fact, I need names for everyone. Ladies in one cabin ok?”

“That will be fine.” Loki was about to give her names when a family entered the lobby area. Accompanying the parents were two young boys and a teenage girl.

“OH MY GOD! MOM! That is Thor! Can you believe it?” The girl shouted as soon as she laid eyes on Thor. “And… is that really Loki?”

“Check it out, sis. Legolas and Thranduil too!” one of her brother’s chimed in.

“Isn’t it a bit early for Halloween costumes?” the mother asked.

“No, mom. That is the real deal. Just check out those arms… and he even has Mjölnir,” the girl sighed softly.

Marci stared at her newest guests. “Thor? Seriously? Wow!” She quickly typed into the computers. “Got those names… now the ladies?” Once Marci was finished inputting names, she looked back up to Loki. “Ok, got everyone into the computer. Now, how were you going to pay for this?”

Kat started to rummage through her purse. “I should have one of the magazines credit cards here,” she mumbled.

“Don’t worry,” Loki pulled out the credit card Tony Stark had given them earlier. “We can put it on this one.” He handed it over to Marci.

“You know Tony Stark?” Marci asked.

“Indeed,” Loki smiled. “I am certain he will not mind, but feel free to call him and ask.”

“Uh, no need… I mean, as long as the card goes through. Now, how many nights are you staying?” Marci asked.

Loki shrugged. “Not a clue. Depends on my transportation.”

“Well, I do need to have some idea…”

“A week,” Kat announced. “This place is perfect. I have Marcus coming out here tomorrow. We can do more photos, for another issue. If you don’t mind, that is.”

“Another issue?” Thor asked. “How many do you plan to make?”

“Hey, it ain’t often I get good material to work with,” Kat snickered. “Usually I get stuck with the likes of him.” She jabbed a finger towards Gollum.

“Ok, that went through,” Marci handed the card back to Loki. “I booked you for a week, but if you decide you want to stay longer, you need to let me know by Sunday. Bob and Jim can show you all to your cabins.”

Bob waved at them from the doorway. “Just foller me, folks.”

Loki led the way, trailed by the rest of the group.

“So, ya’all will be in these here two cabins,” Bob pointed out two large log cabins that they were approaching. “Meals are all back in the main building we just left. Dinner is the next meal, an’ it’s at six o’clock. You’ll hear the dinner bell. Don’t be late. Marci will send someone over shortly to arrange activities for your stay.”

“Activities?” Legolas asked as they all entered the first building.

“Yep. We got all kinds of things goin’ on ya’all can pick from. Trail rides, fly fishin’…”

“Why would one wish to fish for flies?” Legolas broke in. “Annoying pests at best, although they are a bit better than spiders.”

Jim laughed. “Ya’all are sure from the city, ain’t ya? We don’t fish for flies, we use flies to fish for fish.”

“Fishes?” Gollum’s eyes lit up. “We likes fishes.”

“Then we’ll make sure to set up a time for some fishin’ for ya. We’ll make cowpokes outta ya a’fore ya’all leave.”

“Cow pokes?” Thranduil questioned him. “Poking cows does not appeal to me. They are known for their flatulence, so why would one wish to poke a cow?”

“No, no, no. That’s what we call our guests when they leave. You’ll have learned to ride the horses, round up the cattle, ya know?” Jim replied.

Kat nodded. “I’ll explain it all to them. They are new to the country, you know, new customs, et cetera.”

“Ah, that makes sense. Well, you can explain it all to them then, right ma’am?” Whitey asked.

“Yeah, I will. Now, is there any place where I can get a change of clothes? Our, ah, luggage appears to have been misplaced,” Kat asked.

“We got a gift shop next to the main building. You can get outfitted in no time. I suggest ya get the guys some blue jeans while yer at it. Those robes might spook the ponies.”

“Yeah, right. I’ll try, but not promising,” Kat shooed him out the door.

Chapter Text

Chapter 33: Of Mice and Men… or rather Horses and Elves… and a Few Gods Thrown in for Good Measure

Kat was pounding on the cabin door as soon as the sun rose. “Come on boys! Time to rise and shine!”

Thor opened the door. “What is the hurry? I thought we had planned to go on something called a trail ride today.”

“Well, that was yesterday. Last night I talked to Marci and changed it to an overnight pack trip. Marcus made it in about thirty minutes ago, and I figured this would be perfect!” Kat crowed. “I cannot believe my good luck. You guys are going to make me and the magazine famous!”

“What is a pack trip?” Loki asked, joining his brother on their front steps.

“It’s the same thing as a trail ride, only longer… like overnight. We’re going up there,” Kat turned and pointed towards a distant mountain. “It will be fun, trust me!” She scampered away. “Be ready in an hour!”

Loki shrugged. “Can’t be too bad.”

“I still cannot believe you are alive,” Thor replied.

“I am not complaining, even though it has been a bit odd,” Loki said with a chuckle. “Now, we’d best get ready for this pack trip.”

“Pack trip? What are we supposed to pack for this pack trip?” Thranduil asked.

“Ourselves?” Loki shrugged.

Following a quick breakfast, they all met up at the stables.

Whitey grinned as they approached. “Marci said how ya’all are from New York City, or some place like that, so I think I got the right mounts for each of you. Ladies?” He directed them to one side. “This little pony is for you,” he pointed out a bay mare tied to the first post, indicating that it was Kat’s mount.

“Cool! What’s her name?” Kat asked as she moved to scramble up on the mare.

“Mavis. She’s a nice little pony.”

Whitey then indicated two more horses standing near the bay. “That first one is a bit slow, but given your height, she’ll do all right for a city gal like you, miss… Tauriel, right? Pretty name, iffin I say so myself.”

Tauriel looked skeptically at the mare. “Seriously? How old is she?”

Whitey ignored her and moved to help Sif with the last horse in line. “This is Mabel Lee.”

“I do not require your assistance,” Sif dismissed him.

Whitey shrugged. “As you wish.” He turned and directed the others toward their mounts.

Legolas stared incredulously at the elderly horse he’d been assigned. “Can he even walk that far?”

“Hush! These are trail horses; they are trained for this. You’ll be fine,” Kat had ridden over towards him.

“I shall indeed be fine, I just fear this horse may die of old age before we arrive at our destination,” Legolas replied.

Thranduil snorted, trying to hold back his laughter at the choice of horse given his son. He was soon the recipient of his son’s laughter as an even older horse was walked out of the barn.

 “This fella is for you. He won’t give you any trouble at all. Goes by the name of Speedy, but don’t worry, he won’t take off on you.”

“You have got to be kidding. Do you not know who I am?” Thranduil stared down his elegant nose at Whitey. “I shall not ride this beast. Find me a decent horse, that is if you have any.”

Whitey frowned. “Now, don’t you go picking on Speedy. He’s a reliable mount.”

Thranduil rolled his eyes, then pointed towards a corral where several horses were milling around. “What about those?”

Whitey followed his gaze. “Sorry, but those are the mustangs we just brought in and the boys are fixing to break them today. They ain’t saddle broke yet.”

“Why are they breaking them? They seem perfectly fit, better than these. I wouldn’t offer these horses to an orc!” Thranduil shook his head.

“Ah, right. You boys are from the city and don’t quite understand how we cowpokes work,” Whitey tried to sooth him.

“I still do not understand your predilection for poking cows,” Thranduil replied. “But I shall take that horse,” he pointed to the big, black stallion in the corral that Jim had just captured with a rope.

“Sorry, but our insurance don’t let us allow guests to ride the mustangs,” Whitey began, but before he could finish his sentence, Thranduil had jumped over the fence into the corral and walked up to the stallion. “BOB! Get over here straight away. We gots us a problem! Jim, don’t let him near that stallion!”

Legolas had dismounted and followed after his father. “Those are better horses,” he muttered as he walked towards the corral.

“They’re gonna get kilt!” Whitey wailed, watching as Thranduil removed the rope from the stallion’s neck, then easily leapt up onto the horse’s back. The stallion snaked his neck, trying to reach back and bite the elven king. Thranduil placed one hand on the horse’s neck and spoke some words quietly. The horses calmed at once.

Loki looked at his brother, then the ladies. “I do believe Thranduil has the right idea.”

Sif and Tauriel nodded, sliding off their horses they joined Thranduil and the others in the corral of mustangs.

“I want that one!” Tauriel claimed a chestnut mare. With a graceful leap, she was soon on the mare’s back. The horse snorted once, half-reared, then settled down.

Whitey, Jim, and Bob exchanged incredulous looks as each of their guests, with the exception of Kat, had picked out a mustang and were now mounted ready to go. “Ah, um… don’t ya want a saddle?” Whitey finally asked.

“Why?” Thranduil asked.

Several hours later, they stopped the horses and dismounted. “We’ll set up camp here,” Whitey announced. He was still amazed that this group had managed to not get thrown once and that the mustangs were acting like well-trained trail horses. He watched as Thranduil and the others dismounted gracefully, showing no signs of having ridden these horses for hours unlike most of the city slickers they got. “Harrumph, must ride them fancy show horses back home.”

Bob overheard him. “I’m thinkin’ the same thing. They had no trouble with any of the horses. But… “He stopped mid-sentence as he noticed what their guests were now doing. “WAIT! NO!”

He watched in dismay as Thranduil simply released his stallion, allowing him to run free. With the exception of Kat, the others followed suit. Kat simply stood their holding her mare’s reins.

“What seems to be the problem?” Loki asked.

“You just let them critters go. We ain’t never gonna catch them again,” Whitey said with dismay. “It’s a long walk home and I ain’t got no way to get a vehicle anywhere near here to get ya’all back.”

“That will not be a problem,” Thranduil replied coolly.

“Seriously?” Whitey pointed to the dust that trailed after the horses that had just been released. “What are you gonna do, call ‘here pony pony’ and ‘spect them to come?” He took his hat off and threw it on the ground. “Ya got as much chance of them comin’ back as… I got a chance of winning a million dollars.”

“You desire to win a million dollars?” Loki asked, a light sparkling in his eyes.

“Loki…” Thor said warningly.

“No, don’t know what I’d do with it, but…” Whitey paused as he heard Thranduil let out a low whistle. Two minutes later, the stallion returned, followed by the other horses. Dancing up to the elven king, he tossed his head and snorted.

“You were saying?” Thranduil arched one eyebrow elegantly.

“How… how?” Whitey frowned, reached down and picked his hat up. Dusting it off, he stared at the horses. “Oh, hell. I don’t care. If they don’t come back tomorrow, that’s your problem. Now, you folks can do some explorin’ whilst we rustle up some chow.”

“As you wish,” Thranduil turned and waved at the others. They headed off into the forest.

“Be back in an hour!” Jim hollered after them.

An hour later, they returned to camp to discover a roaring campfire with chairs ranged around it, several small tents set up, and a table laden with plates, and pots and pans filled with food. The aroma of the meal was enticing.

“Welcome back. Ya’all will have to share a tent. I figured the gals can have that one,” Whitey pointed to a larger blue one. “I put your beds in there.”

“Beds?” Sif asked.

“Well, more like sleeping bags, no room for cots or none of the big stuff. We only brought three pack horses,” Jim said apologetically.

“Oh, that is perfectly fine. Thanks!” Kat smiled.

Jim blushed, looking down at the dirt.

“Mr. Thranduil, you and your son may have that one.” Whitey pointed out a second tent. “And since you two be brothers, you can share that one,” he pointed out a third tent.

“This will be fun!” Thor exclaimed as he headed to check out the tent. “Just like when we were boys and went on adventures.”

Loki groaned, remembering that he had not been overly fond of their adventures as children, preferring to remain home and read books. Then he remembered Gollum. “What about Gollum?”

“Who? Yer dog? Didn’t you leave him back at the ranch?” Whitey asked.

“No, he has followed us all day,” Legolas replied. “But I do not think we need to worry about shelter for him. Last I saw him he was in the creek over there searching for fish.”

“Oh, that’s good, cause we didn’t bring enough food for that many,” Whitey said. “Anyways, dinner is ready. We got ourselves some chuck wagon beef stew, barbecue beans, corn bread, and some beer to wash it down, or water for those that don’t like beer.”

“What? No champagne?” Thranduil looked incredulously at him.

“Sorry, it doesn’t hold up well on the trail,” Whitey stared at the elf. “You got some mighty fine tastes, don’t you?”

Thranduil lifted one eyebrow in response.

“Come on, grab a plate folks,” Kat said as she moved to the big table. She picked the top off of the largest pot. “Hmmm, this smells yummy!” Ladling out a large portion of stew on to her plate, she added some beans and a hunk of corn bread. Filling a mug with beer, she went to sit by the campfire.

The others followed her lead, and eventually everyone was seating by the fire quietly enjoying their meal.

“This meal is good!” Thor proclaimed.

“Plenty leftover for seconds. Help yerself!” Bob said.

“Indeed, I shall.” He stood and returned to refill his plate. “These beans are interesting. I do not believe I have ever had them before.” He spooned a huge helping of beans onto his plate.

“Is the beer to your liking, your highness?” Whitey said jokingly, not realizing that the elf was indeed a king.

“The beer is acceptable,” Thranduil replied. “Champagne would have been better.”

“I’ll make a note for our next expedition,” Whitey chuckled.

Thor rose once again and refilled his plate with beans.

“Ah, ya might not want to eat all them beans,” Jim said warningly.

Thor looked at him, confused. “I thought you indicated we could have seconds.”

“Yeah, but lest ya want to be a’tootin’ all night, you might want to lay back on them beans.”

“Tootin’?”

Bob punched Jim in the arm. “Let him be. If he wants to eat the beans, let him.”

Jim shrugged. “Okay. I ain’t sleepin’ with him.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 34: I’m a Rootin’ Tootin’ Cowboy!

Thor finished his beer and belched loudly. “Dinner was most excellent. Best I have ever had while traveling.”

“It would have been better with champagne,” Thranduil complained.

Loki laughed and held out his hand, now holding a bottle. “Shall we have a nightcap?”

Thranduil smiled. “Indeed. I knew I brought my wizard along for some reason.”

“Well, actually it is more like they brought you along with me,” Loki replied.

Thranduil shrugged. “Either way, you are my wizard once we return to Middle Earth.”

“So you intend to keep him with you? What about his life on Asgard?” Thor asked.

“I doubt daddy will miss me, so what is there left for me there?” Loki asked pointedly. “Besides, everyone thinks I’m dead. I will be quite happy to be alive in Middle Earth… especially since they seem to appreciate my skills.”

“But…but…  I’ll miss you,” Thor replied.

Loki nodded. “Well, I suppose you could always come to visit me.”

“That works!” Thor replied, a grin breaking across his face.

“Well, folks. Sun rises early, so best get some sleep before we hit the trail again tomorrow,” Whitey broke in.

“Early? Does it rise earlier here than elsewhere?” Legolas asked.

Whitey scratched his head. “Not sure about that, but we do rise at first light to get moving.”

“Interesting, but I do not require much sleep, nor do my kin,” Legolas replied, indicating his father and Tauriel in his statement. “I am not certain about my father’s wizard, nor his brother, but I do believe I shall take a walk in your forest.” His father and Tauriel nodded, indicating their intention to join him on his walk.

“Your choice, just don’t go fallin’ asleep tomorrow,” Whitey said.

Kat stretched her arms over her head. “Well, I for one, am very tired tonight. All this fresh air! I shall turn in. Good night all.” She rose and headed to her tent.

“I, too, shall turn in.” Sif followed after Kat.

“I suppose sleep would be wise. Loki?” Thor looked at his brother.

Loki nodded. “Indeed. I could use some rest. It has been a rather eventful adventure so far.”

The brothers rose and headed towards their tent.

Bob nudged Jim. “Don’t know ‘bout you, but I’m thinking I might stay up a bit.”

Jim blinked. “Why? Ain’t ya tired?”

“Course I’m tired, but…” he jerked his head in Thor’s direction.

“Oh, yeah,” Jim grinned. “I think I’ll stay up a bit.”

Thranduil, passing the two men, paused. “Why is that?” he asked.

“Oh, you’ll see. You might want to sit a spell and listen,” Bob replied.

Picking up the champagne bottle, Thranduil noticed there was still some left. “I think I might just do that.” He poured himself another glass and sat down to join the two cowboys. “Now, do explain what precisely we are listening for.”

“Father? Are you not coming?” Legolas called out.

“I shall join you shortly. I am listening for something at the moment.”

Legolas sat down next to him. “What are you listening for?”

Thranduil shrugged. “Bob was about to explain.”

“Well, you ‘member them beans you had at dinner?” Bob asked.

Jim sniggered.

“Yes? They were, ah, different,” Thranduil replied.

“Well, iffin you eat too many, they kinda mess up your innards,” Bob explained.

“Mess up your innards?”

“Well, they gives you gas if you eat too many. And remember, we did warn him not to keep eating ‘em,” Jim added.

“Gas?”

A loud sound, almost like an explosion, erupted from Thor and Loki’s tent.

“Erm… like that!” Jim pointed to the tent. “Sounds like he’s a tootin’! Didn’t take as long as I thought!”

“By the gods, Thor!” Loki shouted. He burst out of the tent holding his nose. “What did you eat?”

Another round of flatulence was the answer Loki received.

“The stench! Seriously, Thor!” Loki closed his eyes as the nauseous smell surrounded him. Waving his hands in an attempt to push the smell away, he trotted away from the tent.

“What?” Thor’s head poked out of the tent.

“Can you not smell that?” Loki asked.

Thor shrugged. “I farted. Nothing new.”

“I know you farted, but honestly, that has to be the worst smell ever!”

“Is not! You ought to smell yours sometimes.”

“That is bad enough to kill a bilgesnipe without a weapon!”

“Would not.”

“Would too. I am surprised anyone within fifty miles is still alive after that explosion of…”

Thor let loose with another one. The sides of the tent rippled.

“What is that smell? Is there a skunk out there?” Kat’s voice came from her tent.

Sif giggled, clearly having overheard the brothers. ”No, I believe that is Thor.”

“Thor?” Kat asked as she poked her head out of her tent.

Jim and Bob were laughing hysterically by this time. Hearing the brothers argue, and now seeing that the ladies were now awake simply added to their hilarity. Whitey was trying hard not to laugh. He was attempting to look sternly at his cowboys to quell their mirth, but Thor let rip with another round and Whitey couldn’t help it. He started laughing as well.

Thranduil rolled his eyes. “So this is the result of the beans?”

Unable to speak, Jim just nodded.

“Oh, man.” Bob finally caught his breath, tears of laughter streaming down his face. “He’s a real rootin’ tootin’ cowboy now!”

Chapter Text

Chapter 35: I’m Going to Disney World!

Kat emerged from her tent. Yawning, she stretched and sighed contentedly. “Nothing like a good nights sleep under the stars.” She noticed movement off in the woods and watched curiously as the elves all marched into camp. “Where were you guys? You must’ve gotten up awfully early.”

“Actually, we did not sleep,” Thranduil replied.

“These woods are wondrous,” Legolas added. “I might almost consider returning some day.”

“They are rather pretty. Much different than Mirkwood, that is certain,” Tauriel remarked. “Loki! You should have joined us.” She walked over to the fire where he was standing. Gollum was sitting nearby munching on a raw fish. She winced as she saw then and looked quickly away.

“It had to have been better than attempting to sleep in there,” Loki jerked his head towards the tent he had shared with Thor.

“Is your brother awake yet?” Kat asked.

A loud snore erupted from the tent.

“Hmmm,” she laughed. “I’d guess not, eh?”

“No, though how he slept through all the noise he created is beyond me,” Loki laughed.

The early morning air was suddenly disrupted by the sound of an approaching helicopter.

“What the hell?” Whitey asked, walking back from the nearby stream carrying water.

They all moved towards the meadow and watched as the helicopter landed. Tony Stark jumped out, waving at them. “Found ya!”

“I did not realize we were missing,” Thranduil replied coolly.

“Well, you did take off, but someone must’ve used one of my credit cards…” Tony looked suspiciously at Loki. “Saw a hefty charge here. How many did you bring along this time?”

Loki waved his arm around camp in answer.

“Hmmm, Pepper said there were charges for… let’s see,” he pulled out his cell phone and tapped on the screen. “Right… eight. I only see six here.”

“Ah, yes. The seventh would be my noisome brother,” Loki replied.

Tony frowned, not comprehending the remark. Seeing his confusion, Loki added, “Just step into that tent. You’ll understand.”

Tony walked over to the tent and poked his head inside. Gagging as he turned back to the group, he shouted, “Oh my god, THOR! What the hell were you eating?”

“Huh?” Thor’s voice came from the tent.

“That place reeks. How can you sleep in there?” Tony asked, moving away from the tent.

“Precisely why I am out here,” Loki replied.

Thor emerged from the tent. “What is the problem?”

“Did you not smell the odor in there?” Tony asked. “Smells like someone died in there. Is that all you?”

“It is all him,” Loki confirmed.

“He ate beans,” Sif added.

“Oh, man. Didn’t they warn you?” Tony asked.

Thor shrugged. “I guess so.”

“You guess so?” Loki stared at Thor. “Do me a favor, next time you plan on eating something noxious like that, go back to Asgard to sleep.”

“Speaking of Asgard, we ought to return,” Thor said.

“Uh, no.” Loki replied. “I am doing quite fine here. Besides, everything thinks I’m dead, right?”

“True, but I am certain they will rejoice when they discover you still live,” Thor replied brightly.

“Somehow I doubt that,” Loki replied sardonically.

“But where will you go?” Thor asked.

“Please… don’t ask that…you don’t know where they -” Loki starting to say, then disappeared.

“Hell! Where’d he go?” Whitey shouted.

The three cowboys started running around the camp, searching the tents for the missing Loki. As they exited the last tent, they discovered everyone was gone except Tony Stark.

“They didn’t take me with,” Tony whined.

“Where’d they go?” Whitey asked.

Tony shrugged. “If they are anywhere on earth, I’ll find out soon enough. Loki has my credit card.” Then he disappeared.

“What the hell is this? What is scheduling up to? This parade starts in fifteen minutes and you’re telling me Snow White called in sick? Didn’t they send a replacement?” a man holding a clipboard was shouting at a woman standing next to him.  He looked up to discover Loki and his companions standing in the room. “Wait? Who called for you guys? Aren’t you supposed to be at Hollywood today?”

“Ummm, we have a Marvel float today, Mark. Maybe you didn’t get the memo?” the lady spoke up timidly.

“Marvel float? Great. Well, you three get over to it. You must know where it is since you’re here,” Mark waved Loki, Thor, and Sif off.

The three exchanged a glance, uncertain where to go… or even what to do. 

“Hi, I’m Cindy. The float is the sixth one in line. Just go hop up on it, smile, wave… you guys know the drill, right?” The lady had taken sympathy on them seeing their confused looks.

“Float?” Loki asked.

“Yeah, you know, float. Thing you ride on in the parade. Just stand on it and wave,” Cindy showed them how to the the proper parade wave.

“Why are we in a parade?” Thor asked.

“Because we have one every day, silly. I gotta say, HR did a great job finding good people. You guys looks just like Sif, Loki, and Thor,” Cindy said.

“Wait! What the hell are you doing here?” Mark shouted, pointing at Tony who had just appeared. “IF we have a Marvel float, I need Iron Man, not Tony Stark.”

“But I am Tony Stark,” Tony replied.

“I can see that, you need to be Iron Man, get it? Get back to costuming and get the right outfit,” Mark turned away, muttering under his breath. He bumped into Kat. “Who are you? Are you my Snow replacement? Why aren’t you in costume?”

“Uh, sorry. I’ll go do that right away,” Kat sidled over to Cindy. “Where is costuming?”

“Seriously?” Mark had overheard her question. “Are you guys just hired off the street for today? Cindy, take those two to costuming and get them back up here pronto!”

“Where are we?” Thor asked a man who was putting some finishing touches on a nearby Frozen float. Two girls dressed as Anna and Elsa were climbing up.

“Hey, boys,” Elsa whistled. “Free tonight?”

“Sally, shhh!” Anna elbowed the other. “You gotta quit hitting on every male you see. Half of them are gay anyway.”

“Those two aren’t gay or my gaydar is off!” Elsa giggled.

“Ignore those two. Whaddaya mean, where are you? Disney World dum dum,” the man interjected.

“We’re in Disney World?” Thor said as he walked down towards the float they’d been sent to. “Loki, exactly how does this work? This… moving around stuff?”

Loki shrugged. “Not entirely certain, I just go with it. It’s been rather fun so far, except for the orcs.”

“Orcs?” Thor asked as they disappeared from sight of Mark.

Mark focused his attention on the party of elves. “Ok, what kind of joke is this? Disney doesn’t own LOTR.”

“Yet,” Cindy muttered under her breath. “Give ‘em time. They bought Star Wars… bets were on that Star Trek was next, but who knows… maybe the mouse did purchase LOTR and forgot to tell us?”

“Seriously? What am I going to do with three elves? Christmas is over, we don’t have a Santa. And they definitely won’t fit in with Snow and her dwarves.”

“There are dwarves here?” Legolas asked.

“Ain’t you ever heard of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?” Cindy asked. “Man, HR is really hiring the handicapped!”

Thranduil looked down his nose at her. “Excuse me, I do believe you owe me an apology.”

“Sorry, just an expression. Say, Mark. Can’t we put them on the guest float? Pretend they are guests of the day?” Cindy asked.

“Fine, whatever works. Oh, crap! What is that?” He was pointing at Gollum.

“That is a question oft asked of the creature. He is known as Smeagol, or Gollum. Whichever you prefer,” Legolas answered.

“I… what the hell do I do with it?”

“Him,” Tauriel corrected.

“I don’t care if it is a he-she, we just have to get this parade out on time!” Mark shouted.

“Maybe the Frozen float? He does kinda look like the trolls,” Cindy suggested.

“Fine!” Mark snapped.

Author’s Note: Ok, I’ve been challenged to see if I can make this into 100 chapters. If you have an insane idea where to drop Loki and Thranduil, send me a pm and I’ll see if I can work it in!

Chapter Text

Chapter 36: I LOVE a Parade!

Several wranglers started shooing everyone into place, then the gates swung open and the first float departed the backstage area into the Magic Kingdom. “Hang on everyone! And remember to smile and wave!” Mark shouted as the floats moved past him.

The float Loki, Thor, and Tony had been sent to was about midway through the parade. As they rolled past Mark, Loki made sure to wave and smile at the parade organizer, although his smile was more of a smirk. Mark frowned, causing Loki to chuckle.

“Loki,” Thor was with a warning, recognizing that his brother was tempted to cause some mischief. “Not here. This is Disney World.”

“So?” Loki replied, although he had been distracted enough to not cause any trouble. He glanced at the throngs of people lining the sides of the street. Children and adults were shouting and waving at them.

The guest float containing the Mirkwood party was the last one in the parade, and when it finally passed Mark he nodded in approval.  “Someone make sure to meet those newbies at the end and see they get to their next appearance on time!”

“Smile and wave!” the woman standing next to Thranduil hissed.

Thranduil blinked once, affronted at her order. “No,” he replied, tilting his head up slightly as he surveyed the pandemonium that their float was causing.

“You’re supposed to smile and wave,” she repeated. “They expect that from us.”

“Why?”

She rolled her eyes. “Honestly? Where on earth did they find you? You act like you’re some royalty or something. Trust me, we’ve had real stars up here. You’re just… just… an actor, right?”

Thranduil did not bother to reply, instead he stared serenely over her head, enjoying the adulation of the crowd.

The woman darted a glance at Legolas. “Can you talk some sense into him? We’ll all be fired before this parade is over if he doesn’t smile and wave.”

“I do not believe my father is concerned about that.”

She sighed heavily. “Great. Just my luck to get stuck with the likes of you guys. Who do you think you are?”

“I am Legolas of the woodland realm of Mirkwood, and that is my father, Thranduil, King of Mirkwood.”

“No, really. Who are you?”

“I said, I am Legolas of the…”

“I know who you said you are, but who are you really? Never mind,” she said, shaking her head. “Just… look royal. Okay? Seems to be working.”

The parade wandered through the streets of the Magic Kingdom, finally traveling down Main Street, USA before exiting the park through another set of gates. As each float came to a halt, people jumped down and began laughing and talking.

Loki and the others finally met back up again.

“Now what?” Thor asked. “Where will we be sent to next?”

Loki shrugged. “Who knows. We could be here for several days, or several minutes. It all depends.”

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m hungry,” Tony stated as he joined them. “Let’s go find some food.”

Nodding, they all fell into step with him, heading back towards the gates they had just come through.

“Hey! You can’t go out there dressed like that! It’s Main Street!” Someone shouted, trying to stop them from exiting.

“So?”

“Well, those costumes aren’t allowed on Main Street. Seriously! Didn’t they teach you anything during training?”

“Obviously not. What are we allowed to wear?” Stark asked.

“Well, you’re okay. You look more like a visitor than a worker, but the rest of you need to go change. What’s your next assignment?”

“Ah,” Loki grinned. “We are not certain. We are awaiting word.”

“What? They sent you out here without a schedule? Come on, follow me and we’ll see where you’re supposed to go next.” He turned away, fully expecting them to follow him.

Taking advantage of his lack of attention, they all quickly slipped through the gates and into the crowds.

“He is right, we do rather stand out,” Thor said.

“Really?” Thranduil asked as he pointed to a family coming through the entrance. The three children were all dressed in various costumes while the father and mother each wore a pair of Mickey Mouse ears on their heads with balloons clutched in their fists.

Stark laughed. “He’s right. We don’t look any worse than them. Come on, I’ve been here a few times. We should be able to out this way…”

“MOM! Look! That’s Thor! Can I get my picture with him?”

“Will you sign my autograph book?”

Suddenly they were surrounded by children clamoring for autographs and photos. Several security guards appeared and soon there was a short, but orderly line formed.

“How’d you guys get out here without your handlers?” One asked.

“Handlers?”

Tony laughed. “All the characters have handlers, to keep the crowds in line. Clearly you two are being considered characters!”

Loki’s eyes narrowed.

“Hey!” Tony held his hands up. “Don’t blame me, you’re the ones all dressed up. If you looked like me…” he grinned and backed away.

Snow White appeared from a nearby doorway. The kids that were lined up by Thor and Loki took off, leaving the two gods alone.

“Let’s go while we can,” Loki grabbed his brother’s arm and pulled him towards the exit. Eventually they were all standing outside the theme park near the monorail station.

“That was a lot of fun!” Kat said excitedly. “Where are we going now? We could take the monorail and go over to the Contemporary.”

“The what?” Sif asked.

“The Contemporary,” Kat pointed to the white resort hotel.

“Sounds like a plan. I can get us some rooms until Pepper can get a plane down here,” Tony said.

“Why do we require a plain?” Tauriel asked. “There is an open meadow right over there.”

“No, airplane. To fly us back to New York.”

“I don’t think that will be…”

Tony and Kat were suddenly standing all alone, the others had disappeared.

“What the heck?” Kat exclaimed. “Where’d they go?”

Tony shrugged. “Beats me, but I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough.”

“How?” Kat asked.

“Whenever Loki uses my credit card again.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 37 – Half Time!

“Now where are we?” Thor asked.

“Watch your back!” Tauriel shouted, reaching behind to grab her bow. “We’re under attack!”

Alerted by her shout, they all put their hands to their weapons, staring out at the mob of men bearing down on them.

Loki eyes raked the men racing towards them. The group in front of him where running with their heads down, all wearing green helmets with the same emblem painted on them. Their house colors were clearly green and white as they wore matching green shirts and white pants. The battle had obviously been going on for some time as their white pants were stained and dirty. He darted his head to the rear, inspecting the remaining attackers. These men were dressed in dark blue with black pants, also wearing helmets.

“I take it that we are no longer on Earth?” Thranduil shouted about the roar. “Is this back on your home world?”

Thor raised his hammer, whirling it around his head several times, he slammed it down to the green grass they were standing on. Lightning erupted from the ground and their attackers were thrown back. This afforded Thor the opportunity to better inspect his surroundings. He realized they were in some sort of coliseum. “I am not certain…”

“What? The Mighty Thor doesn’t know where he is?” Sif teased as she kept her sword at the ready, in case the men resumed their attack.

Their attackers slowly regained their feet, shaking their heads from the effects of Thor’s hammer. They were obviously stunned to see the strange group standing in front of them.

“What the hell...?”

“Where did they come from?”

Silence descended on the crowds who had been witnessing the battle. Thor looked up at them.

“I must say, this is a strange culture.” Thranduil stated.

“Why do you say that?” Tauriel asked.

“Well, it appears that the majority watch the battles,” he pointed up at the multitudes of people staring down at them.

Loki started laughing.

“What is so funny brother?” Thor demanded.

“I do not believe we were the subject of the attack,” Loki finally said as he bent down and picked up a brown object. “This is what they seem to want.”

“Ah, a game perhaps? I think I have heard of this game… foot ball… I believe it is called. I remember watching it one day at Stark’s.”

“Foot ball? This does not look like a foot?”

“No, it’s a game they call foot ball. I do not know why as they do not play it with their foot, except for running that is,” Thor replied.

Men dressed in black and white walked hesitantly towards the group. “Uh, boys… and um, ladies,” one of them addressed the group. “You aren’t supposed to be out here. Security!”

Several uniformed police officers came trotting out onto the field. Loki took one look at them and stated. “Stop right there!”

----------------

“What the hell is going on? Who let the halftime show out early?” The announcer started screaming at no one in particular the instant Loki and his party had appeared in the middle of the play.

“Sir? We’re on air. Please watch your…”

“I don’t care if we’re on air. Someone get those clowns off the field! Who let them out early? We still have thirty-two seconds left in the half!”

“That don’t look like Coldplay,” one of the techs stated.

“And it sure ain’t Beyoncé or Bruno. Who the hell is that?”

“Looks like someone sent Captain America instead,” one teach chortled.

“That ain’t Cap, that’s Thor. Can’t you tell the difference?” his partner scoffed.

“I don’t care if it is Elvis Presley, we still got thirty seconds left on the clock!”

“Run a commercial!”

“Which one?”

“I don’t care, just pick one till we get this sorted out!”

Chaos in the television booth continued as someone finally managed to find a commercial to play. Phones and radios were going off like crazy as everyone tried to figure out what had happened on the playing field.

“Mr. Stark?” Kat had settled down in the sitting room in the suite they’d secured at the resort hotel.

“Tony, call me Tony.”

“Okay, well, Tony, I think I found Loki and the others,” Kat replied.

“Really? Where?”

“You’d better come here…”

Tony’s cell phone rang. “Hi honey, what’s up?” Tony spoke.

“I do believe we’ve found Thor and the others,” Pepper’s voice came through the speakers.

“That’s what Kat was saying. Did you send the jet down?”

“I’m on it right now, but I would suggest you go check out the TV… the Super Bowl is on..”

“I don’t care about the Stupor bowl…”

Pepper’s voice broke in. “I know you hate football, Tony, but seriously. Turn on your television!”

“Kat has it on. Let me see, she was just shouting she’d found Thor.” Tony walked into the sitting room where Kat had been watching the television.

A television reporter popped up on the screen. “Sorry folks, but we’re not sure what happened here, but we are not under attack. At least I don’t think we are. We’ve had a slight malfunction with the, umm… half-time show. Right. There was a glitch and they started it early. As soon as we get things sorted out, we will be returning you to live coverage of the game. There was still thirty-two seconds left in the half and play was in motion when someone sent out the opening act…” he paused, holding his hand to his ear listening. “Okay, so that wasn’t the opening act? What the hell was it?”

He looked back into the camera. “We are still trying to get confirmation as to what precisely happened… but …” his face was replaced by a replay of the scene that had just happened on the field.

“How did Thor get there?” Tony started laughing as the group appeared in mid-field stopping play. “That has to be the best Super Bowl ever!”

Author’s Note: Thanks to AutumnLeaves for the suggestion! Sorry it has taken me so long to update. I’ve had this planned, just no time to sit and write it. Hope to be updating more frequently!

Chapter Text

Author’s Note: Thank you for your patience. I wish had I more time to write, but things keep getting in my way. Please enjoy this chapter… and who knows where we will wander off to next!

Chapter 38 – War and Peace – the Short Version

“Boys…“ one of the uniformed security guards started, then realized there were at least two women in the group. “And, ah… ladies.” He glanced quickly at Legolas and Thranduil, not 100% certain which category they fit in. Deciding he had covered his bases, he went on. “You’re going to have to get off the playing field. Half-time doesn’t start until the quarter is over.”

“What is this half time that you speak of? You take breaks during your battles? And allow spectators?” Thranduil asked imperiously.

“Where are their handlers?” The head of security whipped out his radio. “Can someone come here and get the half-time show back into the green room?” He listened for a few seconds. “Whaddaya mean they are in the green room? Who the hell is this out here on the playing field? They stopped play with 32 seconds to go in the second!”

The players had surrounded the group by now, grumbling about the stoppage.

“I woulda had that ball if they hadn’t stumbled onto the field. We woulda been ahead by a touch down!” one growled.

“In your dreams,” another player snorted. “I had you pegged in my sights. You were going down, boy.” He bumped up to the first player, glaring at him.

“Now, now… boys. Let’s keep it calm. We’ll get this situation figured out and restart the play.” One of the referees intervened.

“So we gonna restart the whole play?”

“Yeah, cause it ain’t fair these twerps popped up out on the field before half time.”

“Boys, we’ll make a decision regarding that, once we get them off the field,” the ref replied. He glanced over at the security men. “How long till you can clean up the field?”

“Gonna be a bit. Someone says this ain’t the half-time show.”  The head security’s radio crackled as someone started speaking. “Huh? What?” His eyes flew over to Thor and company. “You’re kidding, right?” Shaking his head, he put is radio away. “We’ll have them off the field shortly.”

The players were starting to get restless.

“So what’s the holdup? You gonna get these pretty boys off the field or do we get to toss them in the air too?”

“Toss ‘em in the air? Hey! Are you insinuating you’ve been tossing us in the air? We’re about to go ahead in case you didn’t notice. We got the ball and you don’t.”

“So, don’t mean your gonna keep it.”

“Boys, just calm down, we’ll have them off and we’ve decided to restart play.”

“RESTART! All because these idiots didn’t follow directions! They’re just they’re just dumb entertainers. You know you can’t fix stupid. You can’t let them make us lose momentum.”

“You never had momentum, you idiot!”

“Wait, are you calling us dumb?” Thranduil’s icy voice cut through the noise of the arguing players.

They are turned to focus on the elven king.

“Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it fancy pants? What are you, a singer or a dancer?”

“Bet he’s a dancer with those fancy clothes… prancing around the stage.” The player who spoke started mincing around the field.

“Looks just like you when you’re running!”

This remark was met with laughter from the other players.

The player sneered. “You’d better watch your back on the next play then.” He jerked a thumb towards Thranduil. “That’s the fancy pants pansy, not me. He’s even dressed for the part in that dress.”

The sound of a blade being pulled from a sheath captured their attention. “What the hell? Put that toy away”

The point of the sword lightly touched the chin of the player who had been speaking. “You dare to call me a pansy?” Thranduil asked, even though he wasn’t one hundred percent certain what a pansy was, the tone of the player’s voice had not been very respectful.

“I highly suggest you retract your words,” Loki added, stepping up next to Thranduil with a menacing look. Thor joined them, raising Mjölnir.

The player swatted at the tip of the blade, slicing his palm open. “Hey! That’s real!” Blood started dripping from the cut.

“Call medical!” one of the refs shouted.

“Of course it is real, you fool.” Thranduil replied. “What were you expecting?”

“I thought it was just a prop.” The player was staring at the blood. “I’m bleeding!”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Really? How nice of you to notice. Now, if you will excuse us…”

“You just hurt my buddy!” another player roared.

“Seriously? He hurt himself by being an idiot,” Loki smirked.

“You better take that back or I’m gonna flatten you! Both of you, you la-dee-da fancy pants pansies.”

Loki sighed. “Really? I highly doubt that…” Before he could finish his sentence, the player ducked his head.

“Raj, NO!” One of the refs shouted. “Stop him!” But it was too late, the player rushed at Loki and Thranduil, planning to tackle them.

An instant before he reached the elven king, Loki flicked his wrist, sending the man flying backwards. He landed on his back, the wind knocked out of him. Slowly he sat up. “What the hell? Who stopped me?” he growled, staring at the other players. They all shook their heads, starting to back away from Loki slowly.

“Now, uh, sir?” One of the security guards spoke softly. “Could you please put the sword away so no one else gets hurt?”

Thranduil started at him a moment before complying.

“Thanks, now…” his radio crackled. He listened, nodding as instructions were given.

“Right, uh, Mr. Stark just called the head office and said as how we’re to escort you to the sky box. So if you boys… and girls,” he nodded towards Sif and Tauriel, “will just follow me…”

“A box in the sky?” Thranduil looked up. “Where is this precisely?”

“Um, he said we’re to treat you like royalty.”

Thranduil lifted his eyebrows sardonically. “Considering I am royalty; I would expect nothing less.” He followed after the security guard as their group was led off the field. Once in the stadium, several more guards rushed up.

“Thank god you got them off without any more mishaps. We got one injured player…”

“You call a minor cut an injury?” Thor asked incredulously. “What type of war is this they are involved in?”

“Uh, it’s not a war, it’s the Super Bowl… but I guess it is kinda like a war if you think of it. Only one team will win and they’re the champions of football,” their escort explained.

“They have balls for feet?” Sif asked as they continued walking with their security escort through the passageway. She started laughing.

“No, that’s what the game is called. You gotta be from some weird foreign country if you ain’t never heard of football.”

They stopped at an elevator. “Come on, all of you inside so we can take you to the sky box.”

As they crammed into the elevator, their escort’s cell phone went off. He quickly answered it. “Of course, Ms. Potts. I will see to it…”

“Champagne?” Thranduil’s sensitive hearing had picked up a few words of the conversation.  

Their escort looked at him and nodded. “Yes, we can make sure there is champagne.”

Pepper’s voice floated out of the phone. “Best send some fruit and cheese as well.”

Thranduil nodded. “Excellent.”

“Sure, anything else? Cream puffs? Hot fudge sundaes? Green M & M’s?” the man was being facetious at this point. Dealing with entertainers could get tedious with their insane demands.

“Yes to all of those!” Thranduil answered before Pepper could say anything.

The man rolled his eyes. “Fine. And Mr. Stark is going to pay for this?”

The elevator doors opened as they reached their level. A skybox attendant was waiting for them. “This way, ladies and gentlemen. We have everything ready for you, courtesy of Mr. Stark.”

As they entered the skybox, several waiters approached with trays of freshly poured champagne. A table laden with fruit and cheese was set up, along with several other items, including cream puffs. Legolas wandered over and picked one up. “What precisely is this?” He sniffed it.

“That is a cream puff. A dessert,” one of the waiters explained.

Legolas bit into it. He chewed thoughtfully, then nodded. “It shall do. Father, do try one.”

Thranduil, having just finished his second glass of champagne accepted one from the attendant. Eating it slowly, he finally finished it. “It shall do. More!”

Loki tried one. “It is good.” He washed it down with a glass of champagne. “So, is Tony Stark here?”

“Ah, no, sir. He will be joining us shortly I believe. He insisted that you wait for him.”

Loki shrugged. “I’ll try, but I cannot promise.” He picked up another bottle of champagne… and then disappeared.

Seeing Loki disappear, Thranduil quickly grabbed two bottle of champagne and a platter of cream puffs. Seconds later, he was gone.

Thor glanced at Tauriel and Sif, wondering if they were going to be left behind this time. He really wouldn’t mind staying here with all the food. “Just in case…” He grabbed two platters of cheese and fruit, tucking a bottle of champagne under his arm.

He stood there for several minutes, waiting. Nothing happened.

 Sif laughed. Thor shot her a thunderous look.

“Guess we’re stuck here,” Sif grinned. “With the rest of the champagne. Poor Thranduil. He will miss all this.” Her arm swept around the room at the buckets of champagne scattered about. She walked over and picked up a bottle to pour herself a glass… and disappeared.

Legolas looked at the remaining members of their party. “Well, I suppose father would like more cream puffs.” He picked up another platter of the desserts. “Tauriel, grab some champagne.” Seconds later, the two elves were gone.

Thor realized the attendants were all staring at him. He shrugged, just as Tony Stark burst into the room. “What the hell were you all thinking down there?” Then he realized only Thor was in the room. “Where is everyone else?”

Thor shook his head. “Who knows?” Then he was gone.

Tony whipped out his cell phone. “Pepper! They’re gone again!”

 

Chapter Text

Chapter 39 – Creampuffs and Champagne

Loki took stock of their new surroundings. They appeared to be in the middle of a grass field, surrounded by white fencing. Horses were galloping along a wide pathway on the other side of the fence. Quite a few people were standing near the fence watching the horses.

“Well, we appear to have lost a few people,” Sif pointed out.

Loki realized that only Thranduil, the Lady Sif, and Tauriel were among his current traveling companions. He was still holding the bottle of champagne he had picked up at their previous destination. His eyes landed on an odd collection sitting on the grass and he started to chuckle. “Well, it appears we brought the food and beverages along with at any rate. I am certain we’ll discover the others eventually.”

Sif smirked. “Unless they went somewhere else not quite so pleasant.” She glanced at their food collection. “And, we won’t go hungry.”

All the platters of cream puffs and bottles of champagne were neatly arranged on a blanket sitting in the grass.

“Well, y’all shore know how ta partay at the Darby!” a female voice piped up behind them, a heavy southern drawl making it almost impossible to understand what she was saying.

“Ah, well, I guess you could say so,” Loki conceded, not completely certain what she was referring to.

Fluttering laughter erupted from the woman. “Rahlly! Now, y’all have a pony running today? Or just visiting Kentucky?”

“Kentuck key? What does one open with a Kentuck key?” Thranduil asked.

“My, my, my, you boys shore are downright handsome, but not too smart, eh?” she purred. “By the way, my name is Susannah. And y’all are?”

Realizing she was requesting introductions, Loki spoke up first. “I am Loki of Asgard, and this is the Lady Sif.”

“A lay-dee? A real lay-dee? Laike from England?” Susannah fanned her face rapidly, then did a quick curtsey. “Does that mean y’all are a lord or something, maybe a prince? Is Asgard one of those oil rich Saudi countries?” she batted her eyelashes as she started to flirt with Loki.

“Actually, I am a prince,” Loki admitted. “And this is Thranduil, King of Mirkwood and Tauriel.”

“Oh my gawd! Real royalty! Wait’ll I tell Georgina! She’ll nev-ah believe me! Do promise me y’all will be here this afternoon? Which horse is yours?” Susannah now turned all her southern charm on Thranduil and batted her eyelashes at him.

“Well, that is rather difficult to say…” Thranduil began, darting a quick glance at Loki.

“Ah, I do not believe we have a horse here,” Loki added, rather confused as they’d not brought along any of the horses from the dude ranch. Although, a quick inspection of the ones galloping around them indicated a distinct difference in the type of horse. These appeared to be more elegant representatives of the species. He vaguely wondered if Tony’s plastic card would purchase one of them. “Can we buy one?”

Susannah blinked, then realized royalty probably had money, LOTS of money. “Buy one? Well, I suppose. We can stroll over to the stables and inquire. I know one or two folks that might be interested in a shareholder or two, and if y’all have the money, well…”

“Excellent. What precisely is going to happen with these horses?” Loki asked.

Susannah looked at him. “Are y’all from another planet or something? It’s Darby day! I thought y’all knew that.”

“Well, we ah…  Our host dropped us off and neglected to mention what the event for the day was. We are traveling throughout your world,” Loki finally came up with what he considered a plausible explanation for what had been happening to him.

“Oh, that explains it. Well, this here is the biggest day in horse racing. Every year people come here to see the finest three-year old Thoroughbreds compete in the Run for the Roses. Now, if y’all want to see if we can find a horse to spend your money on, we’d best pack up all your food and head back towards the stables.” Susannah swept her arm towards their cache of food and champagne. “Y’all shore aren’t going to drink all this before the races, now are you?”

Thranduil stared at their meager pile - at least, he considered it meager. Champagne was rather hard to find, except here on Earth, and it had not been overly plentiful… at least, not in his opinion. He then recalled the key. “About that key? Could it be a key to a dwarven treasure vault? With more gold, we could purchase more champagne.”

Tauriel rolled her eyes. “Seriously? You want more champagne? Personally, I prefer the cream puffs.” She grabbed one off the pile and popped it in her mouth.

“Aw, no honey. Cream puffs are dangerous to us women. Go straight to the hips if y’all know what I mean,” Susannah said.

SIf frowned, staring at Susannah. “Are you stating that cream puffs attach to the hips? I thought they were a food. At least, they were offered to us as a food.” She glared at the offending cream puffs.

“Oh, honey, they’re a food all right, but loaded with calories and if y’all be wanting to keep that gorgeous figure, well, you must stay away from cream puffs,” Susannah giggled. “Unless they’re broken in half. Then the calories disappear and don’t count. Least, that’s what Georgina always says. Now, about that key, there just isn’t a key. You’re in Kentucky, it’s a state. I take it y’all have never visited the States before.”

“Well, I have been here a time or two, but this is our first visit to Kentuck,” Loki admitted.

“I ought to have guessed. Your clothes are a bit foreign,” Susannah eyed their outfits closely, recognizing the quality of materials that had gone into each individual outfit. She finally focused on the ladies. “And honey, y’all both need hats. It is Derby day after all. Everyone wears a hat today.” She gently tapped the confection that was perched on the top of her head.

“What precisely is a der bee day? Is it like Durin’s day, in which case I want nothing to do with pesky dwarfs!” Thranduil crossed his arms in front of his chest, staring sternly at Susannah.

“I can’t say as I’ve evar heard of Dorin’s day, but Darby day is the day to be in Lou ‘Ville, y’all know. Now, come along with me and we can find your box and deposit this food before we head out to the stables… you do have a box, right?”

Loki stared at the pile of food, seeing no box. “It appears we neglected to bring a box.”

“No, no, no. Not a box for the food, a box to watch the races from. The infield is no place to be, least if you want to be seen that is,” Susannah laughed as she pointed to the grandstands. “We can get one of my boys to bring the food along. So you don’t have a box, that might cause a problem.”

“Perhaps Tony Stark has a box here?” Tauriel asked.

Loki grinned. “And if he does not, we can always use this!” He whipped out the plastic card Tony had given him.

“Y’all know Tony Stark?” Susannah’s eyes widened. “Is he coming today as well?”

Sif shrugged. “Who knows. He might, ah, pop in.”

“Oooh. I’ve always wanted to meet him. May I see that card,” Susannah extended her hand towards Loki. He held the card up so she could read it. She grinned like a cat who’d caught a bird. “Hmmm, I am certain we can arrange something. Stay right here while I go talk to my friends.”  She took off towards a tunnel.

“While we are waiting, I believe I shall partake of more of the champagne.” Thranduil picked up a bottle and poured himself another glass.

Tauriel rolled her eyes. “Seriously. What are you going to do when we return to Mirkwood? We don’t have that back there.”

“We shall teach the elves to make it, of course,” Thranduil replied imperiously. “That is, if I decide to return. I am rather liking this place.”

“As long as no one is trying to kill me, I’m fine with staying here,” Loki added. “Although your world was rather nice.”

“Indeed, it is except for the orcs… and Sauron,” Thranduil replied.

“Sauron is dead. I thought I had explained that,” Legolas’ voice piped up from behind them.

“About time you showed up. Who else came with?” Tauriel turned to face the elven price.

Kat peered out from behind Legolas. “Seems I got to come along. Where are we now?”

“Our newest friend keeps talking about a key to kentuck.”

“Oh, Kentucky! This must be Churchill Downs and guessing from all the people with hats on, I’m betting it is Derby day!” Kat exclaimed.

Chapter Text

Chapter 40: Cindy Cats and Other Business-like Stuff

Susannah reappeared within thirty minutes with a retinue of workers following after her. She frowned as she approached. “What happened to all the food and champagne?”

“That paltry collection?” Thranduil waved his arm dismissively towards the blanket now piled with empty platters and bottles. Two lone bottles of champagne remained of the batch they had brought with, and less than half a platter of creampuffs.

“Hmmm, y’all sure are a thirsty bunch. Well, we can take care of that in a bit.” She turned to the minions who had accompanied her. “Guess we just need you boys to clean up then.”  Her eyes then landed on Legolas. “Oh my, now who are you?”

Kat stifled a laugh as she saw the look on Susannah’s face. The sound wasn’t enough to distract the woman from staring at the elven prince.

Tauriel rolled her eyes, letting out a huge sigh of exasperation. “That is Legolas, his son,” she pointed towards Thranduil.

“So y’all are a prince too?” Susannah smiled even brighter than she had been.

Legolas frowned. “Yes, I suppose you could say so.”

“This is getting even batter and batter,” Susannah drawled.

“Batter? As in cake batter? Are there many hobbits here? Those seem to be the ones most fond of baking,” Legolas asked her.

“No, she means things are getting better, not batter,” Kat quickly explained.

“Ah, I see,” Legolas replied, although his face showed that he really didn’t understand.

A horse whinnied loudly as it came onto the track, breaking Susannah’s concentration. “Oh, yes. Come along, I found just the person y’all need to talk to about buying a horse, and then we get some lunch before the races start an’ the crowds wander in,” Susannah linked her arms through first Thranduil’s, then tried to decide which of the two princes to choose to grace her other arm. She finally decided on Loki, reaching over to tuck his arm in with her free one, she steered them towards a passage to the grandstand area. “Come along y’all,” she tossed over her shoulder.

Legolas and Kat followed dutifully, while the other two remained behind.

Sif glanced at Tauriel and shook her head. “I just don’t get it. I wish this whole adventure would just stop.”

“Really?” Tauriel looked at her as she glanced after the trio ahead of them. “I am actually beginning to enjoy it. It is interesting to see the King out of his element.”

Sif considered that for a moment, then nodded. “I guess you are correct. I am seeing a completely different side to Loki. I’m almost beginning to like him.”

Tauriel laughed. “I know what you mean! Do you think we ought to bring the stuff that came with us?”

“I think we’d better. I’d hate to hear Thranduil if he discovered we left a single drop of his precious champagne behind!”

Laughing, the two picked up the last bottles and platters and headed off to track down the others. They entered the tunnel and hiked through, finally catching up with Susannah and the men.

“I still can’t believe y’all know Tony Stark!” Susannah exclaimed. “Is he coming today? He nev-ah comes, even though he has one of the best boxes in the park.”

“Well, there is a possibility he might, ah, pop in you might say,” Loki snickered, knowing that the instant he used the silly piece of plastic to purchase something, chances were good Stark would know exactly where they were and show up… just like at that insane foot war they had just departed.

“Well, then, I suppose he won’t mind if we all just waited around in his box, then, right?” Susannah asked.

“So he has a box here?” Loki replied. He glanced back noticing the ladies had rejoined them.

“Ah, you did bring along our champagne. Excellent!” Thranduil commented.

Sif stuck her tongue out at him the instant he turned away. Tauriel laughed. “Sif! Really!”

They entered the stable area and walked towards one of the barns.

“Now, my friend thinks he might be able to get y’all one of the shares on the favorite today for the Darby. The owners decided to put him into syndication since the odds on him to win are sooo good today. Price is really good, too,” Susannah explained as they entered the barn. “Y’all will be sure to get a good return on the investment.”

“Indeed,” a tall, dark-haired man agreed as he approached them. “I was surprised when his owners decided to syndicate him, but… “ he spread his arms out. “In these days, money is money. May as well make it while you can. They decided to sell 100 shares. He has an excellent pedigree, and if he wins today, your share would easily double in value,” he said as he approached one of the stalls. He opened the top half of the door and a horse’s head popped out. “Now, this is the fella we’re talking about.”

“Oh, he is such a handsome boy,” Susannah gushed.

“Now, Susannah, you are looking rather gorgeous yourself today. That hat really flatters you.”

“Mark, y’all are such a charmer,” Susannah purred.

“So, I thought we are buying a Cindy cat?” Loki asked. “This appears to be a horse.”

The man stared at him a second.  Susannah jumped in. “They’re from a foreign country, Mark. I’m sure they don’t quite get the terms. See, a syndicate is a partnership sort of. You own a part of the horse. If he wins, you get a portion of the winnings,” she quickly explained.

“How much does one win at this?” Loki asked.

“Depends on the race, but today would be over a million dollars.”

“That’s a lot of money!” Kat gasped.

“So the winner receives this money, divided by 100, that would be approximately $100,000 a share, correct?” Loki calculated quickly.

“Is that much?” Thranduil asked.

Loki nodded.

“So, we could purchase more champagne.”

“Boys, y’all could buy enough champagne to last y’all at least a year!” Susannah exclaimed, then recalling how quickly they’d polished off the bottles they had arrived with, she quickly corrected herself. “Well, at least a month.”

Loki looked over her head at Thranduil. “Sounds good.”

Thranduil nodded. “Agreed. How many shares are for sale?”

“Well, as I said, the owners opened up 100 shares…” Mark started to reply.

“We shall each take ten of them,” Thranduil interrupted, gesturing towards their entire group. “That would be 50 shares.”

Loki looked at Mark. “Can we pay with this?” He handed over Stark’s card.

Mark inspected it, and nodded. “Don’t you wish to know the cost of a share?”

Loki shook his head. “No, is there a problem?”

“No, not at all, I… I’m just surprised you aren’t curious as to the cost,” Mark replied.

“Mr. Stark told me I could use this if I needed to. So…” Loki pointed to the card Mark was still holding.

“Oh, yes. Right. Let me go complete the transaction. Fifty shares…” he bustled off into an office, emerging several minutes later with several sheet of paper. “Here is the paper work, I assumed you would not mind if I combined each set of shares into one form.”

“As long as everything is proper,” Loki replied.

“Oh, indeed it is. Congratulations, all of you, on your investment. You have made a wise choice. Hopefully he will win for you today.”

Chapter Text

Author’s note: So sorry for keeping you waiting so long for this. Enjoy!

Chapter 41: Precious

“They bought a what?” Tony’s shout echoed through the room.

“I am sorry sir. Shall I cancel the transaction?” Jarvis asked.

Pepper wandered into the room. “What did they buy now?” she asked with a grin, knowing full well Tony could afford whatever it was.

“A horse! A flipping horse!” Tony shouted.

“Actually, they only purchased 50 shares in the syndicate, sir,” Jarvis corrected him.

“As if that matters. They bought a race horse! Can you believe it?” Tony sighed as he flopped down on the sofa. “I take it that they are in Kentucky.”

“Correct,” Jarvis replied. “Louisville to be precise.”

“Well, today is Derby day,” Pepper stated.  She approached the sofa and sat down next to Tony. “I do hope their horse wins. Are we going to the Derby? I’ve always wanted to.”

Tony sighed in exasperation. “I suppose we ought to. Someone must keep them out of trouble. Jarvis, remind me to put a cap on that credit card.”

“Indeed. Shall I do it now, sir?”

“Why not. How much did they spend this time?” Tony asked.

“Two point six million,” Jarvis replied.

“Tw---two… TWO point six MILLION?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Cap that card at… “

“Tony, we can write it off as a business expense, and probably resell the shares for a profit after the race if the horse wins,” Pepper cut him off before he could set a dollar amount.

“Yeah, but what if he loses?” Tony pointed out.

Pepper shrugged. “We can afford the loss. We will be able to resell the shares for something. Seriously, it is a Derby horse. I’ve always wanted a horse. Why don’t we buy a few shares too? By the way Jarvis, which horse did they buy?”

“Stark Madness,” Jarvis replied.

“Perfect, at least it is named after me,” Tony said with a wry smile.

“Wait, isn’t he the favorite today?” Pepper asked.

“Correct, Miss Potts. And he has been unbeaten in all seven of his starts,” Jarvis said.

“Oh, Tony. We have to go now! What if he wins?” Pepper asked excitedly. “Jarvis, order the jet prepped for a trip to Louisville. And see about getting a few more shares for me. Now, I just need to find the right hat…” her voice trailed off as she headed out of the room.

“Hat?” Tony asked.

“It is a Derby tradition, sir,” Jarvis explained.

“Whatever.”

“Well, boys…” Susannah paused as she recalled the two ladies with them. “Oh, and you too…” she smiled graciously at Sif and Tauriel. “Shall we head up to Mr. Stark’s box so we can watch a few of the races?”

“I still do not understand why Tony has a box, unless it is a rather large box what good it is? I thought only cats sat in boxes,” Thranduil inquired as they headed out of the stable area back towards the track and grandstands.

Susannah’s laugh rippled out as she turned to look at the elven king. “Really, you are foreigners. A box is a preferred seating section. Mr. Stark’s is one of the best, but as I said, he rarely attends.”

“More like I never attend,” Tony’s voice interjected.

All heads swiveled to see Tony and Pepper standing in the corridor they were turning into.

“Ah, Mr. Stark! What a pleasure to finally have you come visit Churchill Downs!” Susannah fawned over him. “And Ms. Potts. I love your hat.”

Pepper preened at the compliment. “Thank you. Now, where is our horse?”

Susannah looked surprised. “You are aware they purchased shares?”

Loki and Thranduil exchanged an amused glance.

“Indeed. I purchased a few shares myself once I knew they were here,” Pepper replied. “Now, I want to see my investment.” 

Mark came up behind them. “Hello. I just finished up with your businessman, a Mr. Jarvis? If you’d like to come this way, I’ll introduce you to your new horse.”

Tony shook his head. “Just what I did not need, a horse.”

“But Tony, I’ve never owned a horse, or even part of a horse,” Pepper pointed out. “This is exciting. What if he wins?” Do we all get to go into the winner’s circle?”

“Winners circle?” Loki asked, clearly puzzled. “You put all the winners in a circle?”

“No, no no…” Susannah chuckled. “It’s the spot where the winning horse goes to get his award after the race. You’ll see. If he wins, he gets a blanket of roses.”

“A blanket? Will he be cold after running this race?” Tauriel asked, clearly confused.

“No, it’s just a tradition. They drape a blanket of roses across their withers to symbolize the win.” Mark explained. “And yes, you will all get to come into the winner’s circle when he wins this afternoon,” he added confidently.

“Well, we’ll meet y’all up in your box, go visit your new horse,” Susannah said as she shooed them off. She linked arms with both men and steered them down a corridor.

Tony nodded, waving them off. “Come on, let’s go see what we bought.”

As Susannah’s group entered the Stark private box, a waiter quickly approached them. “Good morning. Shall I prepare some mint juleps to go with the buffet for you?”

Susannah smiled. “Indeed. And make sure there is some champagne. They seem to have a preference for that as well.”

The waiter nodded and excused himself to see to the drink order.

Thranduil looked curiously at Susannah. “A jewelup? Is it similar to a silmaril? If so, I want absolutely nothing to do with it. Those cause incredibly too much trouble to anyone who bothers to try to collect them. And then there are the rings… ghastly things.”

“Jewels? Like Infinity gems?” Loki asked simultaneously, a sour look appearing on his face.

Tauriel bit back a laugh. Overhearing it, Thranduil whirled to stare at her.

“Sorry,” Tauriel said, although her face indicated she clearly wasn’t.

“What’s he upset about?” Sif asked.

“Well, the silmarils caused way too much trouble for the elves, and our King has always had a sore spot for the fact he was overlooked when they passed out the three rings for Elven Kings… he did not get one,” Tauriel explained.

“No, and I still cannot believe they gave one to a wizard and one to Elrond… just because he chose to be an elf! He is only half-elven,” Thranduil snorted. “Galadriel I understand, but seriously? Neither of the other two could claim a kingdom.”

“Well, Elrond does have Imladris,” Tauriel pointed out.

Thranduil barely held back a laugh. “Right, the Last Homely House. Does that sound like a kingdom to you?”

“Like I said, the silmarils caused a bit of trouble,” Tauriel quipped. “Elrond has a few connections to those too.”

Thranduil just continued to glare at her. “Well, now that we have covered several thousand years of history…” he paused and turned to look at Loki, “What are these infinite gems you speak of Loki?”

“Infinity Stones, and let’s just say I don’t want anything to do with them anymore. They got me in a bit of trouble,” Loki replied.

It was Sif’s turn to try to stifle a laugh, only she couldn’t and burst out laughing. “A bit of trouble? I seem to recall you sitting in an Asgardian prison not too long ago… and weren’t they behind your… ah … death? Or not death? Or whatever?”

“You are not permitted to touch a single one of them again!” Thor’s voice boomed out.

Susannah’s jaw dropped as she saw the god of thunder standing in the room. “Oh my, my. What have we now?”

“Ah, this is my brother, Thor,” Loki introduced him, mocking a bow as he did.

“Oooh, are you a prince too? You must be if Loki is,” Susannah purred.

“Yes, he is.”

“What is this talk of the Infinity Gems?” Thor demanded.

“Oh, nothing really…”

“Nothing! That I do not believe brother. You know the trouble you caused when you meddled with them. I do hope you have no intentions of trying to find any of the others,” Thor stated.

“Ah, no. I leave that to your girlfriend. Is that where you were? Visiting Jane?” Loki asked.

“Leave Jane out of this!” Thor roared.

“At least you have a girlfriend,” Sif smirked.

Loki turned and started to move towards her.

“Brother, don’t you dare hurt her.”

“He couldn’t hurt me,” Sif chuckled.

“Do not tempt me,” Loki paused.

“Now, boys, why don’t we all have a drink,” Susannah breathed a sigh of relief as the waiter appeared with a tray of mint juleps. “Here, try one.”

“What is this?” Thor asked as he sniffed the glass he was handed.

“A mint julep, a Derby tradition, sir,” the waiter replied.

“And that is what sparked the discussion of jewels.” Loki looked at the drink in his hand. “What precisely is in this?” he asked as he took a sip and nodded approval. “Not quite as good as the champagne, but it is good.”

“It is a mixture of bourbon, sugar, water, and mint, sir,” the waiter explained.

Thranduil tried his. “It is passable. I do hope you have champagne though.”

“So what is this Derby you speak of?” Thor asked after downing his drink in one gulp. He was about to throw his glass when the waiter took it from him.

“Another, sir?”

Thor stared at his empty hand. “Yes, bigger though. That was hardly enough to quench my thirst.”

“There are horses that race around that track down there,” Loki pointed out the racetrack. “And, we own part of one of them!”

“You own a horse? How did that happen?” Thor asked.

Loki shrugged. “We used that plastic thing Tony gave us.”

Thor looked at him suspiciously. “His credit card?”

“If that is what you wish to call it.”

“And how much have you spent using his credit card?”

Loki starting ticking items off on his fingers. “Dinner in New Orleans, take-out pizza, that vacation on the dude ranch…”

“Don’t forget the horse and that fellow in New Orleans, didn’t we buy him something?” Thranduil chimed in.

“Oh, right… I’d say somewhere around 10-12 million? More or less,” Loki said innocently. “Why?”

“TEN OR TWELVE MILLION?” Thor roared.

“He can afford it, can’t he? After all, he did say we could use it,” Loki defended himself.

“Boys! Really, quit arguing.”

Thor and Loki whirled at the familiar voice.

“Mother?” they both said simultaneously.

Chapter Text

Chapter 42: It’s Just a Horse Race… Really!

Loki’s glass shattered as it hit the ground.

“Another?” the waiter asked him.

Loki ignored him and rounded on his brother. “You lied to me! She is alive!”

“I did not lie!” Thor clipped off each word precisely. “And you died too, so there.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest as if that would settle the issue.

“I told both of you to stop arguing. I thought you’d outgrown that a thousand years ago,” Frigga scolded her sons.

“Well, he told me that you were dead,” Loki pouted.

Frigga frowned as she glanced down at her belly. “Hmmm, you might have a point there.”

“See, I told you I was right.” Thor’s chest puffed up self-righteously.

“Ahem, if I might remind you Loki. You thought you had been killed when I found you… and all this…” Thranduil waved his arm to encompass the room they were currently in, “has come about as a result of some outside force.”

Loki considered that and nodded. “He is right.”

“Who is he? And where are we? And how did we get here? When did you die?” Frigga fired the questions rapidly.

“The Norns?” Loki answered her last question first. “I suspect they have something to do with this entire adventure. Happened after you were murdered, which all goes back to when Jane found the Aether.” He shot a quick look at Thor. “See, I’m not the only one who caused problems with the stupid stones.”

“Ah, Mrs. Mother of these two princes,” Susannah interrupted. “Y’all are at Churchill Downs.”

“You may call me Frigga.” The polite response included a smile in the direction of the woman. Frigga then noticed Sif. “Lady Sif! You are here too?”

Sif grinned. “You bet. Wouldn’t miss a minute of this. It’s been… ah… interesting. And this is Thranduil,” she pointed to the elven king, then gestured towards the female elf standing next to her, “and this is Tauriel. They are both from the woodland realm of Mirkwood.”

“Mirkwood? I cannot recall ever hearing of a Mirkwood. Which realm is that in?” Frigga inquired.

“A tenth one, mother. It is a most glorious place. I was hoping we’d stay there, but the Norns – if it is them causing all this insanity – chose to bounce us back here to Midgard,” Loki explained.

“I’m confused,” Frigga admitted.

“Welcome to my current life, mother,” Loki swept her a bow.

“Oh look!” Susannah piped up to distract them. “They are about to start the first race. Turn the television on so we can hear the call,” she directed their waiter. “We can watch from up here and still hear the call on the tv.” She directed everyone to the front of the box.

All eyes turned to the track as the horses entered for the post parade.

“Is this the one our horse is in?” Tauriel asked.

“Oh my no. That is the twelfth race,” Susannah replied and glanced at her watch. “That one won’t happen for several hours yet.”

“Ah, then we will have plenty of time to enjoy these jewel beverages. You must try one… and the champagne,” Thranduil directed his last comment to Frigga.

“Jewel beverage?”

The waiter appeared at her side and handed her a mint julep. She took a sip. “Interesting, rather refreshing.”

The waiter approached Thor and handed him a large tumbler filled with mint juleps. “I do hope you are not driving today, sir.”

“Driving?”

“He’s flying,” Loki quipped.

“Ah, excellent. I shan’t need to worry about you over imbibing and then driving.”

Sif threw back her head and laughed. “Him? Drink too much?”

“Shall we place a bet?” Susannah asked.

“What is this bet?” Thor asked.

“You picked what horse you think will win and bet some money on it. If they win, you win more money depending on their odds.”

“The horses do not look odd to me,” Thranduil commented.

Susannah’s laugh twittered through the room. “No, the horses are not odd. The odds are who people think the fastest horse is. It’s based on how much money is bet on the horse.”  Susannah’s simplified explanation seemed to satisfy everyone.

“So which one is the fastest?” Sif asked.

Their waiter checked a computer in the back of the room. “Number 13 is currently the favorite. If you wish to place a bet, I can accommodate you.”

“How much does one bet on this horse?” Thor asked.

“Oh, two dollars will do,” Susannah replied.

Loki pulled out the credit card and handed it to the waiter. “Place two dollar bets on the horse for each of us.”

The waiter took care of the transaction quickly and the group moved to the front of the box to observe the race.

As the favorite, number 13, stepped onto the track, a huge roar erupted from the crowd. The beautiful bay stallion took exception to the noise and ducked his head and began bucking like a wild mustang. The lead pony reacted as well, jerking away from the thoroughbred. The sharp tug on the horse’s tender mouth added to his irritation and with a wild cry, he plunged away from the lead pony, causing the lead pony’s rider to fall to the ground. Free of his restraints, the bay stallion took off snaking his head back and forth as he continued to buck. His jockey, taken by surprise, was thrown from the horse and crashed into the fence.

A gasp swept the crowd.

“Oh, no! I do hope he is all right,” Susannah cried, watching as medics raced onto the track to attend to the fallen jockey. Several grooms had raced out right behind the medics, attempting to capture the loose thoroughbred.

“It appears that he has broken his arm,” Susannah stated, as she watched the medics help the jockey to rise. He was holding his arm close to his body. The medics quickly assisted him off the track. “Now who will ride?”

“They need to capture the horse first.” Loki pointed out. The horse was still running free, cantering through the post parade, rider-less and free. He stopped at one point, stared at the grandstands and blew loudly through his nostrils, clearly enjoying his romp. Several grooms approached the horse, but he reared up causing them to back off.

A flash of green erupted from the crowd racing towards the stallion. Breaking through the circle of grooms, the figure approached the horse with his hand extended. The stallion snorted but permitted the figure to approach.

“Ah, Thranduil,” Loki spoke up. “Isn’t that your son?”

Thranduil sighed. “Yes, it is.”

Frigga looked at Thranduil. “That’s your son? Rather brave, isn’t he?”

“He has always had an affinity for beasts, horses especially. I can barely keep him from trespassing through Rohan on his ventures. Théoden, or was it Thengel?”

“Thengel,” Tauriel confirmed.

“Yes, Thengel, yes, that’s right, he was king of Rohan at the time. He was rather upset when Legolas came home with one of his prize stallions. I had to send quite a tribute to placate him over that incident,” Thranduil finished his story.

By now, Legolas had reached the stallion. Reaching up, he quickly removed the bridle, then the saddle. With a graceful leap, he mounted the horse.

“Is that legal?” The racetrack announcer’s voice could be heard on the television in the background.

“I’m not sure, Bob. But he seems to have the horse under control,” a second voice came through on the television.

“The horses are approaching the starting gate. Wait, there appears to be a question about the new jockey,” Bob’s voice reported. “Mike, what are they saying down there?”

“There is a bit of concern, riding without a bridle or saddle… not sure if there are rules about that or not…” Mike’s voice trailed off for a second. “The officials have decided he can ride. They are about to load them into the gate. Turning it back to you for the call.”

The group watched as each horse was individually loaded into the starting gate. Legolas shook his head, pointing to the end of the gate. Three officials shrugged and nodded.

“Looks like the favorite will start from the outside, and outside the gate. This is shaping up to be an interesting race, folks,” Mike’s voice explained what was happening.

“Why do they have to go in those boxes?” Tauriel asked.

“It gives everyone the same start. I am surprised they allowed him to start outside, but he’s at a disadvantage doing so,” Susannah explained.

“Aaannnddd… they’re off!” Mike’s voice shouted as the horses broke out of the starting gate. Legolas waited a mere second until all the horses were out before allowing the stallion to take off after them.

“Oh, he’s going to lose. He’s behind already.”

“My son does not lose,” Thranduil pronounced quietly.

“As they enter the first turn, it’s number 7 in the lead, with 5 and 4 right behind him. Bringing up the rear is 13.”

“Come on Legolas!” Sif shouted. Tauriel glanced at her for a moment, then joined in the cheering.

“GO!”

“Down the backstretch, 4 had taken the lead, with 7 fading quickly. 13 is starting to move up, sitting in tenth.”

Shouts from the grandstand were focused on the favorite.

“Come on 13!”

“Go! Faster! Faster!”

The horses came around the final turn with several bunched together. Legolas was behind the bunch. He leaned forward, saying something to the horse. The horse responded as if he had wings, flying around the pack on the rail and sailing into the lead. He continued to extend his lead until he crossed the finish line.

“I don’t believe it!” Mike’s voice announced. “13 for the win, 9 for place, and 4 for the show. What a race! What a way to start Derby day!”

“He won!” Tauriel and Sif shouted as one.

“Did you expect otherwise?” Thranduil shot her a look.

Tauriel rolled her eyes at him.

“Does this mean we get to go to the Circle of Winners?” Loki asked.

“The winner’s circle? No, that’s just for the owners. We have to wait for our race. But we can go down to where they’ll be bringing the horse out and congratulate his rider. I cannot believe your son did that,” Susannah gushed to Thranduil. “Now, follow me.” She exited the room expecting the others to follow. It wasn’t until she was half-way down the hall that she realized she was alone. She returned to the room to discover it completely empty. “Well, that’s odd…”

“Actually, with that group, it’s not,” Tony Stark said as he came up behind her. “I take it they’ve taken off somewhere?”

Chapter Text

Chapter 43: Picnic in the Park

“Where are we now?” Loki scanned the terrain. They were standing on a grassy knoll, a gentle breeze danced around him. The sun was shining and birds were chirping in the background. “And who came with this time?”

“All present,” Sif spoke up after glancing around the group.

“Wait, Legolas is missing!” Tauriel chimed in. “But he was down with that horse. Wonder if he will show up later?”

Loki shrugged. “Who knows?”

“Actually, I am here,” Legolas was walking up the hill, the horse he’d been riding following after him.

“You brought the horse?” Thranduil asked. “At least he is a fast one.”

“Well, I did not really have a choice, he came along with me by whomever it is that is sending us all around the universe,” his son replied.

“Norns,” Sif giggled. “I’m actually rather enjoying this adventure. Beats some of the other ones we have been on.”

“Would someone mind explaining this to me?” Frigga asked, exasperation tinged in her voice.

“I wish I could, mother, but I cannot. All I know is that I am still alive…”

“And you are too!” Thor exclaimed.

“What? I was dead?” Frigga asked.

“You do not remember? Saving old what’s-her-name?” Loki asked.

“Jane. Her name is Jane Foster,” Thor glared at Loki as he corrected him.

“I know… and you love her, right?” Loki smirked at his brother.

“Leave Jane out of this!” Thor shouted.

“You brought her up,” Loki fired back.

“I told you two to stop bickering back at the Downs of Hillchurch,” Frigga interjected.

“Churchhill Downs,” Tony corrected as he appeared.

“Where did you come from?” Frigga asked.

“Churchhill Downs,” Tony laughed.

“No, no. I meant how did you get her?” Frigga asked, clearly confused by everything.

“Who knows, but it has been interesting.” Tony pulled his cell phone out and stared at the screen. “But we aren’t on Earth anymore.”

“How do you know? Does that device tell you?” Sif asked.

“No, honey. I don’t have cell service,” Tony replied holding the phone out so she could see it.

“The screen is blank,” Sif observed.

“Precisely! That only happens in very remotest spots on Earth,” Tony gazed around him. “And this looks too pretty to not be overrun by people; therefore, we are not on Earth.”

“Why would you wish service to your cells?” Thranduil asked, staring down at Tony.

“Not my cells, your highness. These things got their names from the looks of the towers and service coverage – look sort of like cells,” Tony explained. “It’s how we communicate.”

Thranduil lifted his eyebrows imperiously. “Silly humans.”

“Well, that still does not answer where we’ve been dropped off at now,” Loki pointed out. “I suggest we do some exploring. Why don’t we split up and see what we can discover?”

“Ah, no need.” Legolas’ keen eyes spotted movement across the meadow. “I would say we are in the Shire as there are hobbits approaching.”

“Hobbits? What are hobbits? Are they something to eat as I am starving,” Frigga asked as her stomach rumbled.

“No, they are inhabitants of the Shire, although some are known to be thieves,” Thranduil replied. “I have had some experience with that.”

“But they do LOVE to eat, just not themselves. Very fond of food and grumpy if they miss a meal,” Legolas added.

“Legolas? Legolas Greenleaf?” A shout from the approaching party interrupted their discussion.

“Sam? Samwise Gamgee, indeed it is I. Who are your companions?” Legolas asked, gazing at the group of hobbits. There was one adult female and five young hobbit children dancing about the couple.

“Why this is my wife, you remember Rosie Cotton, right? And these are our children. We were heading out to have a picnic. What brings you to the Shire?” Sam asked, gazing at the others but waiting for his friend to introduce them.

“Well met,” Legolas turned back to his companions. “We are back in Middle Earth during the Fourth Age.”

“Is that good or bad?” Loki asked.

“Good. Aragorn is King of Gondor…”

“King? That little sneak is king? He was always skulking around Mirkwood and brought us that vile creature to watch.” Thranduil interrupted his son. “How did he become king?”

“Ah, remember those movies we were watching back at Stark’s place?” Loki reminded him. “They destroyed a ring and he became King. Sam…” he stared hard at the small hobbit in front of him. “You were one of the ring bearers in the movie. Did that really happen?”

Sam stared at the tall Asgardian in a mixture of awe and confusion. “Well… ah… yes, it ah… did happen. But I don’t know much bout these movies you be talking about mister, ah…”

“Loki of Asgard,” Loki supplied the information. “And that over there is my mother, Frigga, and one of our warriors – the Lady Sif.” Both ladies smiled at the introduction.

Thor coughed.

“Oh, right. And my brother, Thor.”

“And I am Tony Stark, genius, playboy, and philanthropist,” Tony completed the introductions. “I’m assuming you already know Thranduil and Tauriel.”

“Ah, yes. Least, I’ve heard of them before,” Sam replied.

Thranduil’s gaze traveled to the large basket the couple was carrying. “Any chance you have any champagne in there?”

Sam stared up at the elven king. “Ah, no. I don’t think so. Don’t rightly know as I’ve heard of this champagne.”

“It’s a bubbly wine that unfortunately, this dude has become overly fond of,” Tony explained.

“Well, they do have wine at the Green Dragon,” Sam volunteered. “It’s only a few miles back that way.” He pointed in the direction he had just come from.

“No worries,” Sif piped up. She held up a large bag she was carrying. “We brought along a stash from the horse race.”

“Horse race? You were in Rohan?” Sam asked. “How is Merry doing? He went back a few months ago and we’ve not heard from him in a bit.”

“Ah, no. We were not in Rohan,” Legolas replied. “We were on another world actually.”

Rosie’s eyes grew wide. “You mean there are more worlds than the Shire?” She blushed and patted Sam’s shoulder. “And of course, where my Sam traveled to. How did you travel there?”

“That’s what I am attempting to figure out,” Frigga replied. “One minute we were watching Legolas as he won the race…”

“On our horse,” Loki added.

“Paid for with my money,” Tony chimed in.

“Well… you said we could use that plastic card if we needed it. We needed it,” Loki retorted.

“For a horse?” Tony shouted back.

Thranduil shrugged. “That lady said it was the thing to do if we wanted to get to the circle of winners.”

“Winner’s Circle,” Tony corrected.

Sam looked totally confused.

“But we are back in Middle Earth, correct?” Loki asked eagerly.

“Ah, yes. The Shire to be exact,” Rose answered.

“Excellent. Mother, this is where I plan to remain. I am not returning to Asgard,” Loki announced his decision.

“IF they will let you,” Sif countered.

Loki shot her a look.

“Who will let him?” Frigga asked.

“The Norns. At least, that is who we think is behind all this this traveling to and fro,” Sif explained.

“Loki, you must return to Asgard to answer for your crimes,” Thor said sternly.

“Ah… try and make me,” Loki taunted him. “Besides, I’m dead there… again. Right?”

Thor looked slightly confused.

“You may not take my wizard,” Thranduil interrupted.

“See, they want me here,” Loki smirked.

“Until they find out what you are capable of,” Sif retorted.

“What? Me? I have done nothing wrong?” Loki looked innocent as he spoke.

“Um… New York was nothing?” Tony asked.

“Nope, not me,” Loki replied. “Must have been an imposter.”

“Loki…” Thor looked at his brother. “Are you seriously trying to deny that you had nothing to do with the Tesseract?”

“Tess is an actor?” Sam asked, confused as he knew a young hobbit lass named Tess. “I... uh… how do you know her?”

“Not her, an infinity stone,” Thor explained.

“Actually, I would rather meet Tess than discuss this silly rock,” Loki replied. “Could you possibly introduce us?”

“Ah… I suppose so,” Sam was still completely confused.

“Honey, we came out here for a picnic,” Rosie reminded him. “Perhaps after that?” She glanced at the large group. “Although I am not certain we have enough food for everyone.”

“Ah, not to worry,” Tauriel spoke up. “I brought along some food from our race party.”

Rose brightened. “Excellent. Shall we eat then?”

“Perfect,” Frigga jumped in, glad to avoid a fight between her sons that she knew was brewing.

The ladies all quickly organized the food, spread out several blankets, and proceeded to oversee the impromptu picnic.

“Don’t think this is over,” Thor spoke quietly to Loki.

“Sorry, staying here,” Loki quipped. “They love me here.”

Author’s Note: Sorry I have been remiss in updating this tale.

Chapter Text

Chapter 44: Is that a Fly in my Mushroom?

“Loki, they do not know you enough to understand you would be the worst thing for this… ah… world,” Sif retorted at Loki’s comment.

Loki’s looked at her, his face pure innocence. “Me? What have I ever done?”

“Loki,” Thor growled.

“What? You heard Thranduil, he wants me to stay and be his wizard,” Loki replied.

“You are no more a wizard than I am a…”

“Super hero? Saved Earth from his crazy brother,” Tony quipped. “He’s a super hero.”

Thor frowned, uncertain if he was being made fun of or not. Then realized Tony had called his brother crazy. “He is not crazy… but he is adopted.”

“Thor!” Frigga snapped. “I thought we went over that years ago. He is your brother, and you were adopted too.”

“Excellent!” Tony exclaimed. “It makes it entirely possible then for one to be crazy and the other not! The question now is, which of you is the crazy one?” Tony cocked his head to one side, waiting for one of them to respond.

“Well, it certainly is not me,” Loki replied.

“I concur,” Thranduil added. “You shall not call my wizard crazy. Doesn’t look good for a king to have a crazy wizard.” He took a sip of his champagne.

Tauriel stifled a laugh. Thranduil just glared at her. Ducking her head to avoid his look, she realized she was still holding a bottle of champagne. “Anyone else want any?” she quickly offered.

“I suppose I could try some. What exactly is it?” Rosie inquired tentatively.

“It is a sparkling wine, made from grapes,” Tony stated as he picked up one of the bottles to inspect the label more closely. “Ah, a good variety. From France… a Krug Grand Cuvee… one of the best in my opinion.” He glanced over at Sif and Tauriel. “And you just … ah… lifted this from the racetrack?”

“Lifted?” Sif looked at him, clearly confused.

“I think he means that you stole it,” Sam said.

“It was given to us!” Sif replied.

“Sort of… “Tauriel added. “They did tell us to enjoy the food.”

“And they did not specify that we had to leave it there.”

“Heaven forbid that you forget to bring champagne!” Tony mocked. “What would you do without it?”

Thranduil looked down his oh-so-elegant nose at the billionaire. “We have many fine wines here in Middle Earth. It is just different, and I happen to like it.”

“So, this Middle Earth… is it part of Midgard?” Frigga asked.

“No, mother. It is another realm!” Loki said excitedly. “When I was killed… or not killed. still not sure on that part, I woke up here. Really nice place,” his arm swept at the expanse around them. “Nice people, well… except for the orcs,” he nodded towards the elves and the hobbits. “What more could a wizard ask for?”

“Do stop calling yourself a wizard!” Thor demanded.

“And who here can do magic?” Loki looked at him.

Thor frowned, not having a response to that.

“Therefore, I am a wizard,” Loki pronounced. “And I am staying here. You can go back and do your super hero stuff without me.”

“Maybe…” Sif giggled. “So far we’ve not stayed anywhere very long.”

Loki glared at her.

“Enough arguing. Let us enjoy this fine meal with our new friends,” Frigga broke in. She looked over the spread before her, noticing there were plenty of fruits, cheeses, and vegetables. And a huge container filled with some greyish-brown things. “What are those?”

Rosie followed her gaze, and grinned. “Farmer Maggot’s prize mushrooms!”

“Best in the Shire!” Sam added. “Do try some.”

“What precisely is a mushed room?” Frigga inquired, clearly confused. She tentatively selected one out of the container and peered quizzically at it. “Seems a rather odd name for a funny looking thing.”

“No, not a mushed room, a mushroom,” Rosie corrected her politely. “They are an edible fungus.”

“Fungus? You eat fungus?” Loki asked, aghast at the thought.

“These are edible, and quite tasty too!” Sam took a bite of one as he spoke. “And Farmer Maggots are indeed the best!”

“Wait… the farmer’s name is Maggot?” Tony asked.

“Yes,” Sam beamed. “Fine family, do you know him?”

“Ah… no. You do know what maggots are, right?” Tony asked.

“Farmers,” Sam grinned.

Tony shook his head, making a face that clearly expressed his distaste of the thought of maggots. “Maggots are creepy, crawly things… baby flies – well rather fly larvae, but they feed on dead stuff.”

“So, this Farmer Maggot eats dead stuff?” Sif looked appalled at the thought.

“No, no, no. He grows turnips and mushrooms. Finest in the land,” Sam replied, holding out a mushroom to Tony. “Try one.”

“No thanks, I shall pass. The thought of maggots just makes my stomach turn,” Tony waved him off.

Frigga peered at the mushroom she was still holding. “Well, it does not appear to have any flies or dead matter upon it. Looks rather clean.” She sniffed it. “Interesting smell…” she took a tentative bite and chewed thoughtfully. “It is different, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything like it before. Thor? Loki? Care to try one?”

Loki picked on out of the container. “I suppose, since I intend to live here, I ought to try the local food.” He took a huge bite. “Interesting…”

Tauriel quickly refilled Loki’s champagne glass. He looked at her questioningly. She grinned. “In case you need to wash it down.”

“Ah… wasn’t that bad actually.” Loki admitted.

“I concur,” Frigga added. “Mushrooms are quite tasty.” She reached into the container and took a few more.

“You are welcome to remain here with me Mother,” Loki offered. “No need to return to Asgard.”

“You are not staying here,” Thor stated. “You must return to face the consequences of your actions… from before.”

“I thought we’d agreed that if I helped you with your lady-love and her problems with the Aether she decided to collect, you’d let me free,” Loki replied.

“That was not the arrangement!” Thor boomed. “I only let you out…”

“Because you did not want to listen to Father,” Loki finished before his brother could.

“Father did not understand!” Thor shouted back.

“And besides, I was killed helping you. Our plan failed!” Loki shot back.

“Well, I did eventually get the Aether back… sort of,” Thor replied.

“Super hero stuff?” Tauriel asked with a smile.

Thor frowned, again not sure if he was being made fun of. “Jane and her friends helped. We got the Aether back from Malekith, who is now dead, and gave it to the Collector to hold.”

“Wait? You gave that stuff to who?” Loki asked him. “And are you sure he’s dead? I’m not and neither is Mother so he might still be alive as well.” He did a quick scan of the meadow they were in. Satisfied he didn’t see him, he settled back down to sampling the food as he waited for Thor to answer.

“I… don’t know,” Thor considered the last question first.

Loki shrugged. “Right, so I’m staying here. I’m not going back and you can’t make me. And I still can’t believe you gave away that stuff to the Collector.”

“I agree. Why ever did your father allow that?” Frigga asked. “He’s not exactly known to be completely honest. I met him once and was not impressed. Rather odd fellow.”

“That’s putting it mildly,” Loki muttered.

“Who is this Collector person? Is he a wizard too?” Thranduil interrupted.

“Not exactly sure who… or what the Collector is, but he collects things, LOTS of things,” Loki replied. “A weird sort of man, and now he has the Aether. Why didn’t you just give him all the stuff Daddy has in his trophy room?”

Thor stared at Loki. “You ought to know better than that! We felt it best not to keep the Aether anywhere near the Tesseract. So Father felt it best to have the Collector hold the Aether.”

“Hmmm… sounds interesting. Any chance you could introduce me?” Tony asked Thor. “He might have some things I could use, you know… saving the world type things? And what all does your dad have in his trophy room? Any chance I could get a peek in there? I mean, next time we visit of course.”

“And that can happen any time soon…” Tauriel giggled. “Not saying that we’d all be going there the way things keep happening, but who knows.”

“I have decided I am staying here, so…” Loki looked up to the sky. “Please, I am quite content here. May I remain?”

“Tempting fate, aren’t you? Asking them to let you stay in one spot? I think they are having too much fun bouncing us all over the place,” Sif stated.

Loki shrugged. “Well, I can always ask. Worse they can do is what… send me somewhere…” he never finished his sentence as he disappeared… again.

“Wait! You cannot take my wizard!” Thranduil shouted, not exactly sure who he was yelling at, but his wizard had just disappeared. And this time he had not gone with him.

Chapter Text

Chapter 45: Three Blind Mice… See How They Run!

“Oh bother,” Loki exclaimed as he looked around, instantly recognizing his surroundings. “I really wanted to stay in Middle Earth.”

“And perhaps we might allow that,” a voice whispered in his ear.

He whirled around only to see nothing.

“All this bouncing around is getting a bit unsettling. And this time I appear to be alone,” he remarked, knowing they were listening.

“All in good time,” a different voice spoke, a bit louder than the first.

Loki realized he was still holding his glass of champagne. He finished it, then set the glass aside.  

“Where did you put my wizard?” Thranduil shouted once he realized Loki was missing.

“He is not your wizard, he is my brother, and I did not put him anywhere!” Thor roared back.

“Gentlemen, really!” Frigga spoke calmly after seeing the shocked expressions on the hobbit faces. “You are scaring our hobbit friends.”

“Sorry,” Thor apologized instantly. Thranduil, however, simply closed his mouth and looked up at the sky. Tauriel snickered when she saw that response.

“Now let us discuss this like rational people. Thor, what exactly happened just now? Where did he go?” Frigga asked.

“We do not know,” Thor replied.

“Yeah, it’s been crazy ever since him and King Champagne over there showed up on my doorstep with the NYPD police escort,” Tony added. “Told them to stay put in my complex, watch some movies, order take-out…  and what do they do? Go out and party on the town… on my money no less!”

“Well, you did give him your credit card,” Pepper replied.

“When did you get here?” Tony whirled around to see Pepper walking up the small hill towards them.

“Just now, why?” Pepper replied. “Have you been here awhile?”

“Yes,” Tony replied. “You haven’t seen Loki by any chance, have you?”

“Not since he bought the racehorse,” Pepper replied. “I take it he disappeared again?”

“Yes, alone this time,” Thranduil finally spoke up. “Someone has taken my wizard.”

Thor rolled his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but Frigga stopped him with a look.

“Wait, who brought him here?” a third voice spoke up.

“I thought you did,” the first voice replied.

“No, I’ve been busy with some other issues…” the third voice trailed off. “And… who let Frigga go?”

“Frigga? She isn’t where we put her?” the second voice asked. “I had her settled in quite nicely after that debacle on Asgard. Silly mortal haring off to places she did not belong. And why Thor even bothered to look at her…”

“Well, you can blame Loki for that. If he had not meddled with the Frost Giants…”

“Well, I took care of that,” the first voice said.

“That still does not explain how he got here,” the third voice piped up.

Loki was listening to their conversation, totally confused. He thought he knew who they were… but if they hadn’t been responsible for his current situation, then who was? He glanced around, trying to see if he could locate the individuals who were speaking, but saw no one.

“No, it does not. I thought one of you was moving him about,” the second voice stated.

“Well, I did move him after that horrid creature tried to kill him. It was not his time.”

Loki thought this was the third voice, but he was not completely sure. He decided to sit down upon the ground and listen closely.

“What? You decided that it was not his time? You know that is not how we do things.”

“Well…”

“Well is not an acceptable answer. We just do not arbitrarily decide to save some people and leave others to their fates.”

“He was… is… so young… and adorable.”

“Young?!” the first voice practically shouted. “He is over a thousand years old!”

“Well, he is Asgardian.”

“Only half!”

“True, but compared to those silly humans he’s old.”

“I am not old,” Loki muttered under his breath.

“And where is his mother now if she is not where I put her?”

“Which one?”

“Seriously? The one we were talking about.  His birth mother could care less about him. The one who raised him you dolt!”

“I am not a dolt!”

At the mention of his mother, Loki perked up. “Ah, could you get back to the part about my mother?”

“You be quiet.”

“Sorry, I was just curious. Who was my birth mother?” Loki asked.

“Seriously? No one has told you that yet?”

“Well, I do know I am a Frost Giant of sorts… or at least part,” Loki replied. “Discovered that for myself. And no, no one bothered to even tell me I was adopted until a few years ago.”

“Imagine that. The poor boy has lived this long and not known he was adopted.”

“Poor boy? He had the life of a prince. And what did he do? Conspired to bring down his brother.”

“Half-brother.”

“Wait, Thor is my half-brother?” Loki asked.

“You keep out of this,” one of the voices admonished him.

Loki frowned, uncertain how to respond to this. He considered the fact that Thor was his half-brother. He was curious if they shared the same mother or father.

“Now, where was I?”

“My mother. You were looking for my mother,” Loki prompted. “Is she my real mother?”

“Oh, right. Where did you put her?” the voice ignored his question.

“I did not put her anywhere, just like I did not bring him here.”

“Okay, okay. I will admit it. I brought him here. Are you happy now?” The second voice finally admitted.

“So that is why you were distracting us – by asking where Frigga was. And all this time you were the one to bring him here. Why did you?” the first voice asked.

“Well, can’t we just keep him here? He is cute… and housebroken… I think.”

Loki scowled at that comment.

“Housebroken? He is not a puppy! And remember the last time you tried to keep someone here?”

“Yes, remember that fiasco? You forgot to feed him and remember what he did to our house?”

“But… I promise this time I will remember to feed him…”

“Speaking of food,” Loki picked up his discarded champagne glass and held it up. “You wouldn’t happen to have any champagne around, would you? And some cheese and fruit would be nice.”

“You stay out of this!”

“Well, I can tell you where Frigga is,” Loki replied, hoping to placate these people. “If you’ll feed me.”

“Really? How do you know where she is?” the second voice asked.

“Because she was with me before you zapped me here,” Loki replied sarcastically.

“And where was that?” the third voice asked.

“You mean you don’t know where I was? Honestly?” Loki asked. “I thought you just implied you have been responsible for my, ah… strange journeys.”

“Last time I moved you, I put you… now where did I put you?”

“Ah, so you’ve been moving him? I thought we’d agreed to all decide when to move him!” The second voice piped up, clearly peeved they had not been consulted on all the moving.

“Well…” the third voice stammered slightly.

“Don’t start making excuses. Why were you moving him without consulting me?” the second voice demanded.

“You were too busy, and besides, you just wanted to bring him here anyway,” the third voice retorted.

“Well, what’s wrong with that?”

“Stop it! I told you he is not a pet. You can’t just keep him here,” the first voice cut in.

“Why not? I promise to take care of him. And if you’re upset because you don’t have one we could always bring his brother and that king, then he would have company.”

“Half-brother,” the first voice corrected.

“Half-brother, brother… what does it matter?”

“Ah… if you’re going to keep me here, please don’t bring my half-brother… he’s such a bore. And honestly, I would far rather go back to Middle Earth,” Loki commented, then realizing he might have insulted his hosts, he added. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind staying here… or visiting on occasion, but I do like to eat and drink, and there do not appear to be any books here to read. I would hate to trouble you having to remember to feed me and such.”

“See, I told you he’d be hard to keep. We have no room for books, let alone bringing any of those others up here,” the third voice said smugly.

“But…”

“No buts. It is settled. We will send him back immediately. Now, where was he?”

But Loki was gone again.

Chapter Text

Chapter 46: Don’t Blink or You’ll Miss it!

“Where did you send him to?” one of the voices demanded.

“I did not send him anywhere, you did!”

“Did not!

“Did too!

“Stop! I did it this time,” a third voice finally interceded.

“So where did you send him?” both voices shrilly inquired.

“Why?”

“Well, we want to know! We have a right to know… and besides, we can find out anyway.”

“Then go find him.”

Loki realized he was now standing at the back of a line. He peered around the people in front of him to discover he was waiting to get into a rather posh restaurant. ‘Ok’, he thought, ‘this might not be so bad’. He checked around the lobby area to see if any of his friends were joining him.  Not seeing any, he decided he would figure out where he’d been whisked off to this time. They would probably show up eventually.

He knew he was back on Earth, but where. He did not want to ask any of the people around him, knowing his question would sound ridiculous. He was obviously at some fancy schmancy restaurant and they’d think him nuts if he did not know which one. He sauntered up to the maître d and requested a menu.

“Alone sir?” the gentleman asked as he handed him a menu.

“Ah, no. I am waiting for my friends,” Loki replied accepting the menu.

“Do you have a reservation?” the man politely inquired.

Loki knew he did not, but… he pulled out the silly plastic card and showed it to the man.

“AH, your room will be ready whenever you are. Do you wish to be seated while you wait for your guests to arrive, sir?”

“Sure.” He followed the man into the restaurant and was guided towards a private dining room.

“How many tonight? And will Mr. Stark be joining you as well?”

“Not sure, I invited…“ Loki thought, who had last been with him. “Five or six. Maybe more?”

“No problem. I shall alert the waiters of your arrival, mister…”

“Loki, you can call me Loki,” the trickster grinned.

“Mister Loki,” the maître d confirmed.

“Actually, it is Prince,” Sif walked into the room. “Thought we would never catch up with you. Where did you go this time? Have you been here all along?” She was followed by Thranduil and Tauriel.

“Did you ditch my brother?” was Loki’s first question as he gleefully noted the absence of Thor.

“No, I am right behind them,” Thor said as he entered the room followed by Frigga.

“Oh. Anyone else or is this it?” Loki asked.

“So far, just us,” Tauriel replied. “Where are we now?”

“The CUT of Beverly Hills,” the maître d replied without blinking. He’d heard worse questions before. He made a note to question the doorman to see how this party had arrived. Some people never bothered to look when they entered, just assumed they were at a decent place. In this case, they were.

“Thank you,” Thranduil replied. “Do you have decent champagne?”

“Of course, sir. Shall I select one or do you have a preference?”

“The best you have, of course. Several bottles to start,” Thranduil replied staring down his nose at the man as he was a full head taller than him.

“Would you prefer to select some hor d’oeuvres or shall I just provide a sampling?”

Loki waved his hand. “You choose. I am certain you will select the best ones.”

The maître d nodded and left to alert the wait staff of the requests for the private room.

Sif wandered to a nearby window and peered out. “I do not see any hills here, just a lot of buildings. Wonder why they call it Beverly Hills?”

“With humans, I no longer question their choices. They are mad to be sure,” Loki stated.

“Well, they do have good taste with this champagne. I must find out how it is made,” Thranduil replied as a waiter swept into the room with three bottles of chilled champagne. He watched as the young man carefully opened one bottle and poured glasses of the sparkling beverage into glasses.

Loki grinned back. “Indeed, they do,” he lifted his glass in a toast. “To champagne! May we never be without it!”

The waited discreetly exited the room only to return with platters of hor d’oeuvres.

Tauriel wandered over and peered over his shoulder as he was arranging them on a side table. “What are these?”

“A selection of our finest hor d’oeuvres.”

“I see that, but what are they?” she asked again.

Finally understanding her query, he smiled and pointed to each platter as he named them. “Steak tartare, a big-eye tuna tartare, caviar, a pepper jelly and goat cheese cake – one of my favorites I might add, and our chef’s special recipe escargot.” Bowing, he exited quickly before they could ask any more questions.

“S car go?” Thranduil looked confused.

“I think he said S scar go,” Frigga said. “Does that mean it has been scarred?”

“I fairly sure he said s-car-go,” Thranduil replied.

“Well, I know what a car is, we have ridden around in several during our visits here,” Loki replied. “But I never heard what they were called. Are these from cars?”

Tauriel picked one up and sniffed at it cautiously. “It does smell like the interior of that one car we were in back in New York.” She tapped the shell lightly. “And it is hard. Might be part of a car. I find it odd that humans would eat their transportation.”

“Perhaps this one was old and they retired it, or it died? Do they hunt their cars? How do they train them? Are they like horses?” Frigga asked.

“Cars are machines. Much like our flying skiffs… only cars do not fly. They do have flying machines called airplanes and such,” Thor stated. “I have been on several as part of the Avengers.”

Loki, recalling one of his visits on a flying machine on Earth, scowled. “I suggest we do not eat those if they are from a transportation device.”

He selected a piece of steak tartare and tasted it. “This is quite excellent.”

The others quickly began sampling the other treats. When their waiter returned, he noted the empty plates with the exception of the escargot, which remained untouched. “Was the escargot unacceptable?”

“Ah, no. It’s just we dislike eating mechanical things, not exactly robots,” Thor joked.

“Robots?” The waiter was clearly confused.

“Well, they are car parts, correct? That is what we determined from the name,” Thranduil explained to the clearly untrained waiter. “I am surprised you thought to pass on these inferior foods upon us.”

“Inferior? I am sorry you found it such and I shall inform the chef at once.” He picked up the platter and swept it up, exiting the room. Seconds later, shouting could be heard from behind the door.

“INFERIOR? These IDJITS found my special recipe INFERIOR?”

All eyes turned towards the noises coming from the door.

“I shall show them inferior!” The door burst open and the head chef stormed in. “OUT! Out with all of you. You are no longer welcome at my restaurant if you call these inferior!” He was holding the platter of escargot. “These are the finest snails in the world and I have added my own special blend of herbs to the recipe to make this my signature item. And you call these inferior? You are inferior and I spit on you!” The chef followed through on his words and spit upon the floor.

The maître d’ raced into the room, followed closely by the young waiter who had alerted him to the potential storm erupting. Realizing he was too late, he watched in horror as the chef spat on the floor at the feet of these guests.  “I am so sorry, he did not mean to…”

“Did not mean to? Of course, I meant to!” The chef shouted. “They called my escargot inferior!”

“Marcos, please… you do not know who these people are…”

“I do not care who they think they are. They do not understand fine cuisine; therefore, I shall not cook for them,” Marcos crossed his arms in front of his chest. “You may cook for these cretins.”

“I am no cretin,” Thranduil finally spoke up. “These are not up to my standards and I shall not eat them. In fact,” he sniffed his champagne. “This smells musty. I have had better. I believe we shall leave and find a better place to eat.” He turned on his heel and exited the room.

“Please, no. I beg you…” the maître d’ followed him into the main dining area.

Thranduil turned to stare at the man. “I will not be treated this way.” Lifting his chin, he swirled around and headed to the exit.

The main dining room fell silent as they watched this tableau. Loki and the remainder of the group had followed Thranduil’s example and left the private room. Loki noticed several plates of the same escargot upon different tables in the room. He grinned, remembering that the chef had said they were snails and not car parts, and with a wave of his hand, the escargot suddenly came alive and started wriggling on the plates. People began to scream as their dinner came alive, jumping out of their seats and tipping over tables.

Frigga, knowing full well what her son was capable of, turned to frown at him. Then seeing the subsequent chaos, started to giggle. She moved to Loki’s side. “I believe we need to leave… and quickly!” 

“As you wish, mother,” He linked his arm with hers and escorted her out the door.

Sif and Tauriel, seeing them leave, grabbed Thor and Thranduil and herded them out. “Time to go, boys!” 

Out on the street, they all turned to peer in the windows, watching as the waiters and staff tried to calm the diners down.

“Well, that was interesting.”

“The champagne was inferior,” Thranduil sniffed. “I have had better.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 47: Trick or Treat!

“Found him!” one voice cackled. “And I moved him… hee hee hee.”

“What? Where?”

“That’s for you to find out.”

“Yes…” Loki’s voice broke off as he realized they were no longer standing on the street outside of the restaurant. He sighed heavily, then looked around to see who was still with him. “Thranduil – check, Mother – check,”

“What are you doing?” Frigga asked, mystified by her son’s comments. “Why am I a check?”

“Oh, just checking to see who is with me and who got left behind. And if any others have joined us. Never know what is going to happen,” Loki replied shrugging his shoulders. His gaze landed on Thor and he burst out laughing. “Brother… really?”

“What? What is amiss?” Thor asked, mystified.

“Nifty outfit Thor,” Tony Stark piped up as he came around the corner of a nearby building. “But Halloween was last week. Anyone know where we are right now?”

“Halloween?” Thranduil asked, then looked at Thor. He burst out laughing. “I do say, pink is NOT your color.”

“Pink?” Thor glanced down to discover his regular clothing was gone and had been replaced by some strange garments. “What is this?” He lifted the hem of the skirt that he wore.

“I believe it is referred to as a ‘poodle skirt’,” Tony answered. “Love the scarf… really adds to the look.”

“Wait!” Thor noticed Tauriel and Sif were both similarly attired. “Like that?”

Tony just nodded, afraid to say anything else for fear of laughing at his friend.

Thor stared at the ladies, each wearing a poodle skirt, a tight fitting white blouse, and a scarf that matched their skirts. Tauriel was in a baby blue outfit, while Sif sported a bright orange one. They each had black and white saddle shoes and a wide black belt to complete the outfit. “You mean I look like that?”

Loki snorted. “Not exactly… but the outfit is the same. Yours fits a tad bit… ah… differently.”

Tony burst out laughing. “Shows off your legs nicely.”

Suddenly self-conscious, Thor tugged at the hem of the skirt.

Seeing the impending result, Loki shouted. “No! No! No!”

Loki’s shout caused Thor to realize that pulling the skirt down further would have some rather unpleasant results. “Oh, thanks,” he said sheepishly.

“Whew, that was close. Curious… is your bum as well-defined as your abs and pecs?” Tony inquired.

Thor’s jaw dropped, uncertain how to answer that question. Not coming up with a suitable retort, he finally asked, “Does anyone know where we are?”

A chorus of giggles erupted at the question, causing the party to discover that they were being observed by what could only be described as a gaggle of blonds.

“Seriously?” Blond #1 spoke up. “You do not know where you are?” She rolled her eyes. “Like, duh,” she pointed away from the group. “You’re, like, at the beach. Wow… and they say blonds are dumb.”

“And, like, didn’t any one like, tell you that Halloween was SO last week?” Blonde #2 quipped.

“What is this Hallowing that you speak of?” Thranduil asked.

“Like, ah, seriously? You’ve never heard of Halloween? Are you, like, from Mars or something?” Blonde #3 tittered.

“Maybe they’re tripping, like, you know?” Blond #5 giggled.

“It’s the ‘or something’, ladies. Long story...” Tony Stark chimed in as he joined the party.

“Wow… you look the most normal, are you, like, sure you’re with them?” Blond #1 asked.

“Ah, yes. These people are with me. We are…” Tony paused, trying to come up with some explanation. “On a trip. Yes, they are on a trip around the country. We obviously knew we were on a beach, but which beach exactly?” He’d come to the conclusion they were most likely in California since that was where his credit card had been used most recently.

“Still in California? That’s odd,” Loki commented.

“Odd?” Sif asked.

“Indeed, we are usually moved quite a bit farther than this…” Loki paused. “Hopefully it might be slowing down?”

“Doubt that,” Sif grinned. “Whoever is doing this is having waaaay too much fun.” Her eyes shifted back towards Thor.

Loki chuckled. “Indeed. Glad it was him and not me.”

“I, like, still can’t believe you don’t know where you are. Like, how on earth did you, like, get here?” Blond #1 asked.

“Limo, we were cruising around, looking for a good backdrop for a scene I’m going to be shooting. Upcoming movie. That’s why everyone is dressed up. Let’s move along boys and girls,” Tony replied rapid-fire, figuring the gaggle would believe this.

“So, like. This movie, is it about a Halloween party then?” Blond #4 piped up.

“Yes. Yes, it is,” Tony said, then an idea hit him. “And it looks like this will be the perfect place for it. Would you ladies like to be a part of it?”

“Ooooh, really? Like, us? In, like a real movie?” Blond #3 squealed. “Oh my gawd, like, ah, who would think we go out for lunch and get, like, asked to like be in a movie? That would be, like, so cool!”

“I take that as a yes then,” Tony stated. “Follow me. Venice Beach? Right?”

Blond 1 giggle. “You got it.”

As they headed towards the walkway that extended down the beach. Off to the right were brightly colored buildings offering everything from tattoos to t-shirts. To their right, a wide assortment of street vendors and entertainers lined a portion of the beach. Tony knew right where he was headed.

“Look at that one’s long hair. I wonder if it’s real, I mean, like, who ever saw hair that long, and he’s got, like the most gorgeous braids,” Blond #1 whispered to Blond #2.

Thranduil, that oh-so-haughty elven king with keen hearing, heard every word. Simply straightening up even taller than normal, he whirled to face the girls. He stared imperiously at them.

The four girls stopped so abruptly.

“Oh, I think he heard us,” Blond #2 stated the obvious.

“Like, ya think?” Blond #3 replied.

“You speak so loudly I could hear you at least seven miles away,” Thranduil said. “Your voices are grating.”

“Sorry, mister…” Blond #1 paused. “Say, we don’t know your names.”

“Ah, that’s Ed you’re speaking to, the ones in the poodle skirts are Sally, Tonya, and Tom, and the other two in the long outfits are Francine and Larry,” Tony did a quick introduction making up names as he went. “And I’m…”

“Tony Stark,” a muscle-bound man stated firmly. I’d know you anywhere.”

A group of men who had been working out at Muscle Beach Gym had wandered over to inspect the curiously attired group.

Tony hesitated, then nodded. “Yes. Do I know you?”

The dude shook his head. “No, I’ve just followed your career.”

“Ah, yes.”

“This one,” one dude had moved closer to Thor. “Looks like you work out, man. But, dude, ya gotta get rid of the skirt. Seriously. It might give us a bad name.”

Thor shrugged. “Not my personal choice for today…”

“They are, like, shooting a movie!” one of the blonds squealed.

“Oh… guess that’s ok then,” the dude admitted.

“But this one,” another muscle-man focused on Thranduil. “He looks like a feather could knock him over.”

Doubly mad now, that first his glorious hair had been insulted, and now his physic… not to mention the absolute lack of champagne so far, Thranduil drew himself up imperiously and stared at the dude. “Indeed? I fear you are quite mistaken. I have tackled orcs with just a dagger. I doubt you would offer much contest.”

The dude scoffed. “Man, I could take you and that one down with one hand tied behind my back.” he pointed at Loki as he spoke.

Tauriel gasped, then glanced at Sif. “This is going to get interesting.”

Sif grinned. “Agreed.”

“I would not suggest that you attempt to involve my brother in any type of combat,” Thor stated.

“What? That wussy?” another muscle-man chortled.

Loki grinned. “This is going to be fun.”

“Loki, no…” Thor shouted.

Loki glanced at Thor, his eyes twinkling. “I promise, no tricks, only treats… isn’t that the Halloween custom?”

Thranduil shot a look at Loki. “You know of this hallowing?”

“I believe so. I shall explain after we deal with this baby Hulk wannabee.” Loki stepped forward. “I do believe you said one hand tied behind your back? We shall allow you to forgo that part of your challenge.”

The muscle man snickered. “This’ll be like taking candy from babies.” He advanced on Loki first.

Loki whirled around and crouched as the man approached. The muscle man put his hands on Loki’s shoulders intending to lift him off the ground only to discover his feet swept out from under him by an elegant Asgardian boot. Landing on his back, he let out a grunt. Rolling back on to his feet, he ran at Loki. Loki elegantly side-stepped out of his path, and kicked out his leg as the man ran past causing him to stumble and fall flat on his face.

Angry now, the man shouted. “That’s not fair.”

“Really? I do believe you stated you could take us both down with one hand tied behind your back, yet you still have both hands at your disposal,” Thranduil replied.

Growling, the muscle man raced at the elven king, hands outstretched. Thranduil reached out, grasped the man’s arms and easily tossed him off into the sand.

“BOYS!” the other muscle men banded together and charged at Loki and Thranduil.

“Really?” Loki shook his head. “Shall we?” He glanced at Thranduil who nodded. With a flurry of whirls between the two, the band of muscle men soon found themselves all joining their friend in the sand, defeated by the pair.

Loki brushed off some sand from his arm bracers and shook his head.

The blonds sighed collectively. “That was, like, awesome,” one of them sighed. “Can we get a photo with you?”

“That was gnarly dude,” a blond surfer wandered up.

“I am not an Ent, nor do I know of any despite the fact I live in Mirkwood,” Thranduil replied.

“Mirkwood? Isn’t that burb that some famous dudes live in?” the surfer asked.

Thranduil ignored him as the blond girls surrounded him and Loki, each pulling out their cell phones snapping pictures with the two. “Any chance there is any champagne here?”

“Champagne? Sure! Oh, cabana boy! Yoo hoo! Over here!” Blond #1 shouted.

When a server popped out of one of the buildings near them, she simply shouted out. “Champagne please!”

He ducked back in and emerged a few seconds later with a tray of champagne flutes and a bucket with two bottles. Popping the cork, he swiftly poured out several glasses of champagne, handing them around to the group gathered around.

Thranduil accepted his, took a sip and nodded approvingly. “Now, tell me about this hollowing.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 48: Breathe… Just Breathe

“It’s not hollowing, silly,” one of the blonds tittered. “It’s Hall-o-ween. You know, like, where everyone gets dressed up in costumes and, like, goes trick or treating.”

“Not everyone,” another blonde corrected. “Just kids.”

“Tricks?” Thor asked cautiously, darting a glance at Loki.

“Just a saying. Kids go around their neighborhoods, and like, knock on everyone’s door and people, like, give them candy. Some silly old tradition, but I always did love the chocolate…” the first blonde said dreamily.

“Chocolate? That goes well with champagne,” Thranduil commented.

“Indeed, it does!” one blonde exclaimed. “I like your taste.”

A shout from the beach caught their attention. A beach volleyball game had started, and someone had called out the score.

“Curious, why are all those people half-dressed?” Loki pointed to all the sunbathers on the beach along with the players of the volleyball game.

“Swimming suits, dude. Man, are you from Mars or something?” one of the surfers chimed in.

“Or something…” Loki agreed, a slight grin on his face. “So, you swim in those outfits? I would think some of them might fall off in that water.” Waves were crashing in towards the shoreline as several girls in bikinis were wading out, splashing and kicking water at each other.

“That’s the best part, dude,” the surfer grinned, then winked at the girls.

“Ah… I see,” Loki replied.

One of the blonds checked her watch. “Hey, girls! We’re, like, going to be late for our yoga class!”

“Yoga?” Thor asked.

“It’s fun! Want to join us? Great for like, stretching out all the kinks in your muscles,” one of the blonds replied, eyeing Thor specifically.

“Why not?” Thor replied. “Do we need anything to do this yoga?”

Tony groaned… realizing his credit card was going to be put to use again. Twenty minutes later, and several hundred dollars poorer, Tony eyed his companions. They were now all outfitted in proper yoga clothes and carrying mats, blocks, and other accessories that had been deemed necessary for this yoga class.

As they entered the dimly lit room, soft music was playing.

“Welcome,” the instructor greeted them. “Are any of you new to yoga?”

“Ah, yes,” Thor replied, indicating the group that he was with. “These ladies are not, but they invited us to join them.”

The instructor smiled pleasantly at the girls. “Yes, they are regulars. I will make sure to offer alternatives to some of the more difficult poses for you. And if you have any questions, one of my assistants can help you.” He indicated four people who were seated at each corner of the room.

“Poses?” Thranduil asked. “Difficult? I fear you do not know us very well. Difficult is not an issue.” His chin lifted ever so slightly at what he considered an insult.

A gong gently sounded, and the instructor waved everyone to sit down. “On your mats in a seated position. It is time to begin.” Once he saw everyone was seated, he started the class. “Close your eyes and begin to think about your breathing. Breathe deeply, from your belly.

Thor frowned, trying to imagine breathing from his belly. He grimaced as he tightened his abdominal muscles, thinking that might help.

One of the assistants sat down next to him and whispered. “Relax, yoga is about relaxation and allowing the prana to flow through our bodies.”

“Piranha?” Thor’s eyes flew open; a confused look appeared on his face. “Like a fish?

The lady giggled. “No, silly. Prana is the energy that flows through your body.”

“If you want to talk about energy, ask him to show you his hammer after class,” Stark grinned as he chimed into the conversation.

“Hammer? Are you in construction?” the lady asked.

“Breathe deeply.” the instructor frowned in their direction, indicating their discussion was distracting. “Remember to breathe through your nostrils, keeping your mouth closed as you inhale and exhale deeply. Counting to ten with each inhale and exhale.”

Thor closed his eyes again, trying to count to ten as he inhaled and exhaled.

“Excellent, now open your eyes and begin to think about your movements as we begin our warmup.” The instructor’s voice slowly guided them through the warm-up. “Now, lie on your backs, reach your hands up over your head and stretch fully, pointing your toes to the ceiling send your energy through your heels.”

Thor snuck a quick glance at the assistant who was now working closer to him. He saw her movements and mimicked them in hopes of doing things correctly. Feeling he was imitating her pose correctly, he darted a look towards his companions. They seemed to all be doing the same thing. Satisfied he was doing it properly, he settled back into the warm-up, following the instructions as they were announced.

“Excellent work. Now, we will begin our sun salutations – Surya Namaskar A.”

“Surrey what?” Tony hissed under his breath.

“Surya Namaskar A, that is the name of the sequence we are about to begin for those of you new to yoga,” the instructor explained having overheard Tony’s comment. “It refers to the symbolism of the sun as the soul and source of all life. Now, follow me through this sequence. I shall go slowly for our new members. Those of you familiar with the movements may work at your own pace.”

The girls that had invited them began to flow through the movements of the sun salutation. Thranduil, Sif, and Loki watched them and then quickly began to join in the flow with the ladies.

“Excellent. I thought you were new to this,” the instructor had walked over to where the three were following along, continuing to call out the movements for the flow. One of his assistants had move dto the front of the room to demonstrate the pose.

The instructor slowed as he approached Thor and Tony. “Try not to overthink the pose. This is a sun salutation – awakening the body and offering our gratitude to the sun.” Seeing Tony making a mistake, he demonstrated the proper form for the downward facing dog pose. “Do not round your back during down dog.”

Tony rolled his eyes and grumbled. “I am not a dog, and I’ve never seen a dog do this type of exercise.”

“Clearly you have never had a dog. This pose is named downward facing dog as dogs stretch like this. We are simply imitating the movement as it stretches your whole body and offers an inversion, allowing the blood to flow to the head,” the instructor intoned quietly.

“Blood flowing is what will happen if I am injured,” Thor replied.

“No, no, no. Yoga is not a battle. It is a movement for your body. If you wish to do battle or any intense exercise, yoga will help you to become more flexible – but why one would wish to do battle, we prefer peace.”

“Clearly you have never met an orc,” Thranduil spoke up, mimicking both the words and tone the instructor had just used in speaking to Tony.

“Or a skrull,” Thor added. “Peace is not in their vocabulary.”

“Orcs are not real. They are part of the fictional world,” the instructor chided them. “And did you mean ‘skull’?”

“Tell that to the orcs,” Loki laughed, recalling his first encounter with the creatures. “And skrulls rank right up there with orcs.”

The instructor raised his eyebrows. “Really? Well… this class is not about battles with fictional characters.” Addressing the entire class, he continued. “We will now move into the warrior poses as some of our students today appear to be knowledgeable about battles.”

Sif giggled. “You are going to get us in trouble if you keep that up.”

“I was simply pointing out some errors in his thinking,” Thranduil shot back.

“We will start with Virabhadrasana I, or Warrior 1,” the instructor intoned. As he demonstrated the movements, the class followed along. “Celebrate your inner strength as you extend your arms above your head, reaching for the ceiling.”

He wandered throughout the class, stopping periodically to suggest an adjustment to students to improve their version of the pose. Returning to the front of the room, he stepped into the pose again. “Now, we will shift to Warrior 2, or Virabhadrasana 2. This pose will open up your body and is especially good for your hips. It is good for flat feet, osteoporosis, and believed to improve fertility.”

“Great,” Tony muttered. “Improved fertility.”

Tauriel snickered. “I have heard of your playboy life.”

Tony shot her a look that could kill. Tauriel just smiled innocently.

“Our final warrior pose is Warrior 3, or Virabhadrasana 3. Virabhadra was a mythological warrior, and this pose represents the actions of a warrior flying into battle,” the instructor explained and he moved into the pose.

“If I had my hammer, I would show him how to fly into a battle,” Thor said as he struggled to move into the pose. “This is just ridiculous.”

Sif laughed. “Where did you leave Mjölnir?”

“In those silly lockers,” Thor started to stretch out his hand to call Mjölnir. “I shall show him how a warrior flies…”

“Thor, no!” Sif hissed. “Not here. This is an exercise class, not a battle.”

Thor huffed. “Silly waste of time.”

Two hours later, they emerged back into the bright sunlight.

“So, like, what did you think?” one of the girls asked as they exited the yoga studio. “Wasn’t that just the best? I feel soooo chilled out now, like relaxed.”

“I liked that. I can see where it would help with our training. Thor, we need to add this yoga into our training regime,” Sif replied. “Those warrior poses were awesome! I felt so empowered.”

Loki lifted one eyebrow at that comment. “Coming from you, that is interesting.”

Sif shot him a look. “Seriously?”

“Watch yourself, you are beginning to sound like some of these Midgardians,” Thor chuckled.

“Ladies,” one girl was looking at her watch. “It’s martini time! Can’t be late for that!”

“What is this martini thing?” Thor asked.

“It’s a drink, don’t tell me you’ve never had one? OMG… you have to join us!”

“Is it like champagne?” Thranduil inquired eagerly.

“Oh, better!” the girls giggled simultaneously. “But if you don’t like it, you can always order champagne. Follow us!” They took off down the sidewalk heading south, not bothering to see if the group was following… but they weren’t. They had disappeared… again!

Author’s Note: Hope you continue to enjoy this misadventure. It is written purely for fun with no intention of any seriousness or even logic as I wander back and forth through time. I enjoy hearing from you, especially if you have an idea of something you’d like to see – either post in a review or pm me. I have a few great ideas already to wander through. 

Chapter Text

Author’s note: Thanks to Teggen Zalud for the inspiration for this chapter as they requested a meeting between Loki and this newest addition to the mess that is this story. A quick reminder that timelines do not exist with this story as the perpetrators of Loki’s misadventures can do what they want… and so do I! Just enjoy the craziness in reading it as I do in writing it.

Chapter 49: Here Be Dragons

“Who moved them?” one of the three voice hissed. “They are no longer doing that silly exercise class. I was rather enjoying watching them… “

“You mean the males, admit it?”

“Well… now that you mention it, it is rather nice to see handsome men in skin-tight clothing.”

“Ladies! Be-have!”

“We are. Now, who moved them?”

“I did.”

“Where now?”

“Oh… you will see. This ought to prove interesting…”

• §•

“Okay, where are we now?” Stark asked the instant he realized that the sidewalks and buildings of a California landscape were noticeably missing. They were now standing near the base of a mountain.

“Lonely Mountain,” Tauriel announced as she recognized their location instantly.

“How do you know the mountain is lonely?” Thor asked. He started looking around. “Although considering there are no other mountains around I suppose it might be lonely, but I did not know mountains had feelings and could get lonely.”

“It is called Lonely Mountain for the simple fact that it is the only mountain in this area. I did not name it, the men of Lake Town did,” Thranduil explained. “We are back in Middle Earth.

“Took you long enough to arrive,” Frigga called out from behind them. Everyone whirled around to see that she was seated on a blanket enjoying the sunshine.

“How long have you been here?” Thor asked.

“Oh, a few days, I guess,” Frigga replied. “You all raced after those girls and left me behind. I was about to go after you when I suddenly ended up here. Fortunately, your son, “she looked directly at Thranduil, “arrived not long after I did and had made sure I’ve been entertained until you decided to show up finally. He just headed back into town to obtain some more food. I thought about going with but figured one of us should wait.”

“Good thinking. How long ago did Legolas leave?” Thranduil asked. “And I do hope he remembers to pick up some of their famous wine at least. I do wish they made champagne,” he added wistfully.

“Maybe we could bring them the recipe?” Loki offered. “And I do believe Legolas is returning.” He pointed across the meadow to where the elven prince had just emerged from the forest and was gracefully running across the to meet them

“Hello Father,” Legolas greeted his father as he arrived. “I made a run to Mirkwood… and Lake Town for supplies. Something is a bit off… but I’m not quite sure what.”

“This whole thing is a bit off if you ask me,” Sif chimed in. “But then, it has been since it all started happening. Loki? How did you start all this?”

Loki shrugged. “I thought I had died… and I ended up here – in Middle Earth. The rest… it just happens. I have no control over it.”

“So – it’s Middle Earth now… got it. Okay, guess we’d better do a roll call, see who we have lost…or gained,” Tony said.  He started pointing to each person and calling off their name. “Thranduil, Tauriel, Lady Sif, Loki, Thor, Legolas, and Frigga… I think that is everyone.” He paused staring at the mountain in the background. Finally, pointing to the mountain. “What the hell is that?”

“That is Lonely Mountain. I thought we had already ascertained that.” Thor rolled his eyes at Stark. “Are you getting old? Starting to forget things?”

“I am not that old. I’m talking about that huge moving section of the mountain… rather gold in color…” His eyes widened as he broke off talking. “And it looks like it is about to take off and fly!”

“That is what I was saying, I think we have gone back in time on this trip,” Legolas said. “And… I think we ought to hide for if I am not mistaken, that is Smaug.”

“Smog? We just left California… the nation’s capital of smog…” Tony started.

“No!” Legolas shouted as he helped Frigga to her feet. “I know not what Smaug you speak of as I saw no dragons in California, but that is Smaug the dragon. He is not overly friendly.” He started to lead Frigga and the others towards the treeline. “We might be safe in there, but if we stay in the open… we’re toast!”

“Smog…as in smoke and fog… like pollution!” Tony started running after him, guessing that the event required a level of panicked running as the other denizens of Middle Earth had also started racing to the trees. He noted that the Asgardians remained standing in the center of the meadow. “Come on! This way!”

“I run from no one!” Thor bellowed. “I am Thor, God of Thunder!” He lifted his hammer skyward

“That’s a flipping dragon!” Tony shouted over his shoulder, almost at the treeline he glanced upwards to see the dragon flying overhead. A burst of flames erupted from its’ mouth. “A fire-breathing one too!”

Loki suddenly disappeared.

“LOKI!” Thor shouted as a second dragon appeared in the sky. This one was black as the night, with emerald green eyes, and lines of gold were edging each of his scales. The second dragon flew straight at Smaug.

Thor watched in fascination as the two dragons began circling overheard, clearly sizing one another up. It appeared that they were communicating, though he did not know how dragons talked to one another.

“Where’s Loki?” Thranduil shouted from the shelter of the trees.

Thor just pointed up at the two dragons.

“Yes, I see there are two dragons now. But where the hell is your brother?” Tony added.

Frigga pointed up at the black dragon. “Right there. That has to be his best transformation to date. Has he been practicing while I was… ah… dead?”

• §•

“Found them!” a voice shouted with glee. “Oh my! Smaug? Seriously? What were you thinking?”

“Or not thinking? A dragon, and not just any dragon, but that one. He is quite dangerous,” the second voice added.

“I think Loki can hold his own…”

“Did you know Loki could do that?” the first voice shrieked. “He has turned himself into a dragon.”

“I can see that, sister,” the one who had sent Loki back to Middle Earth replied smugly. “And of course I knew. Haven’t you paid any attention to his antics on Asgard? He’s quite good at transformations. Although I must admit, this is the best one yet. He makes a rather handsome dragon, don’t you think?”

“He makes a quite handsome anything…” the second voice murmured.

• §•

As Loki flew closer to Smaug, he noted the jewel-crusted scales adorning the dragon. For a brief second, he almost wished he had thought to add something to that effect, then decided he probably was better off showing up as a more modest dragon. Although… his glance swept along his magnificent wings, the gold touches were excellent.

Smaug, taking note of the new dragon, began to circle warily around Loki. Loki ducked his head, advising the other dragon that he respected his space, and more importantly - his authority.

“Who are you?” Smaug asked.

“Loki, of Asgard, although I am not usually a dragon I figured it might be best if I greeted you as one. I must say, I am rather enjoying the flight. It must be nice being a dragon.”

Smaug rumbled; the sound resembling a laugh. “Indeed it is Loki of Asgard. I am Smaug the Magnificent. What are you really, if not a dragon?”

Loki’s head snaked towards the ground where the remainder of his party was standing. “Like them.”

Smaug looked down at the group, noting it contained elves and men. “Hmmm, no dwarves that I see. Elves and men. You are one of them?”

“Yes,” Loki admitted. “Though I must say, I rather like this form.”

“You can change your shape? Smaug asked, attempting to hide the surprise from his voice. “Are you a wizard?”

Loki laughed, although it sounded more like a roar since he was a dragon, and it included a burst of flames. “Thranduil, the tall, slender blond one, believes I am his wizard. I am the God of Mischief where I come from, so I can do many little tricks. Shape-shifting is just one of them.”

“You are a God?” Smaug asked, openly skeptical of that statement.

“The humans, from Midgard, believe us to be gods. We just happen to live a long time and have powers they do not, so I suppose that does make us gods… or wizards if you prefer to think of me that way. The other blond is my brother – he is, Thor, the God of Thunder.”

“I heard him shout that when I appeared. I wondered what he was about. Can he shape-shift?” Smaug asked.

“No, but he has a few tricks up his sleeve. Good in a battle as well,” Loki added.

“Hmmm… so what is your reason for coming here? To my mountain?” Smaug inquired.

“Well, that is my problem. I thought I had been killed when I was helping my brother a while back. But then I landed here, in Middle Earth. Someone… probably three someones if I am guessing correctly, had determined my fate is not to die, but to send me bouncing around the universe at their will to where-so-ever they decide to drop me off. It has been quite the adventure. So that is how I arrived here. I was just finishing a yoga class on Earth when we arrived here.”

Smaug considered this carefully before replying. They were continuing to circle above the group on the ground. “Someone is controlling you?” he finally asked.

“Well, only where I go to. Not what I do,” Loki replied. “For example, I still have my powers as I was easily able to transform into a dragon to properly greet you.”

“I do appreciate that. I would have killed all of you otherwise,” Smaug replied grimly.

“Somehow, I don’t think that would have happened. My overseers would have lost their current form of entertainment,” Loki replied, laughter tinging his voice as he was fairly certain the ones behind his endless adventures were enjoying what was transpiring at each change of locale. A thought occurred to him. “Perhaps you might be able to assist me.”

“Me? How could I help you?” Smaug asked, although quite pleased that this being thought he would be able to assist him.

“Well, you being the magnificent dragon you are, if you were to join my companions, they might be less likely to move us around so much,” Loki stated.

Smaug considered this as he dove slightly towards the earth, the soared upwards. Finally, he responded. “I shall consider it.”

“Would you like to meet my companions?” Loki offered.

“Indeed, and I shall not kill them unless they anger me,” Smaug agreed.

“I shall advise them of that,” Loki dove down towards earth.

• §•

“You mean, tha-that-that’s your son? Loki?” Tony spluttered, slowly leaving the shelter of the woods to speak with them.

“He is a magnificent wizard,” Thranduil pronounced as he joined them. “MY wizard, I shall remind you.”

“I do not know if he has been practicing. And yes, that is Loki. And I will admit that he is good at this, but I don’t know that he is your wizard,” Thor replied to each in turn.

“Well, you may not have him back. He remains in Middle Earth,” Thranduil stated firmly. “What else can he transform into, although the dragon is rather magnificent. I highly doubt he can top that.”

“He has turned into a snake before, which is sort of like a dragon… I like snakes by the way, and then once he turned into a frog. That was rather funny,” Thor laughed.

Frigga joined him in his merriment. “Indeed, it was. Your father was so surprised when he hopped into his dinner. He almost speared him with his fork, but then Loki transformed back into himself and the entire table collapsed! Food flew everywhere!”

“Oh, look!” Tauriel shouted to get their attention. “They are landing in the meadow. Do you think it is safe to approach them?”

“With Loki?” Thor shrugged. “One never knows.”

The two dragons were circling one another again now that they were on firm ground, clearly eyeing one another. One of them rumbled, Thor thought it was Loki, but he couldn’t entirely be sure. Finally, they both settled and faced the group.

“I think they want to talk to us,” Sif whispered.

“I think they can hear you,” Tony whispered back.

Sif shot him a look. “Seriously?”

“Well, we’re only about a hundred yards away. I would imagine they can hear us,” Tony pointed out.

“Indeed, we can,” Smaug stated. “I am Smaug, the Magnificent. Loki has told me of your travels. I shall allow you to live, but only because he has asked it of me. Unless you anger me, of course.”

“Well, that’s magnanimous of you,” Tony quipped. “Not that we have much choice in the matter, but…”

“You can speak to one another?” Thor asked Smaug. “I mean, obviously, but I wasn’t aware my brother spoke dragon.”

“Indeed,” Loki’s voice came from the black dragon. “There is much you don’t know about me.” He transformed back into his normal form. “Smaug is interested in helping us…"

“Uh, sorry to ask this, but how can a dragon help?” Sif asked. “I didn’t think you had any control over what was going on.”

“I do not, but I feel if he sticks with us, it might slow down the moving process. He is rather large,” Loki said.

Tauriel was staring at the dragon in wonder. “Legolas? You said something earlier, something about things not being right. Could this be it? I mean, Smaug was destroyed,” she stopped speaking, swallowing hard as she realized she was talking about the death of the dragon.

Smaug’s eyes flashed. “Destroyed? None can destroy me!” He lifted his head up and stretched his wings, belching a stream of fire into the air

“What year is it? Does anyone know?” Tauriel asked

“I think that is what I thought was off. When I went into Lake Town, it was different… an earlier version that I remembered from my youth,” Legolas answered

“Your youth? How old are you?” Stark asked.

“I have lived for over 2900 of your earth years,” Legolas replied.

“You don’t look a day over 1000,” Stark grinned. “I gotta ask, what do you use for your hair? Must be what makes you look so young.”

Thor and Loki exchanged a laugh.

“Hey! What? What did I say that was so funny?” Stark glared at them.

“We’re both a bit over 1000, although I am the elder,” Thor replied.

Chapter Text

Chapter 50: Where, Oh Where is my Little Smaug Gone?

“So, he thinks a dragon will protect him from our whims,” Skuld sniggered, her name meaning ‘what will be’ was obviously fitting.

“Appropriate coming from you,” Urd replied. For indeed, Loki’s misadventures were the acts of the Norns.

“He wasn’t supposed to die anyway. Would have been a total waste if you ask me,” Verdandi added. “So, why do you believe the dragon will not stop us? Which of course it won’t, but curious sister as to your reasons.”

“We have moved bigger things, what’s a tiny dragon? Besides… I have a feeling they will like this next adventure… or maybe not?” Skuld chuckled.

“Are you going to tell us where this time?” Urd asked. “Or are we going to have to search for him? Although, Smaug does make a tiny bit easier to track them. Few worms left in the world… such a shame.”

• §•§•

“It would appear we have arrived at an earlier time than when we left… or even when I first met my remarkable wizard,” Thranduil inclined his head towards Loki. “Odd…”

“How can that be?” Tauriel asked. “Although there have been some other oddities regarding time.”

“I am guessing that the Norns have something to do with all this. For whatever reason, they have chosen Loki as …” Thor broke off, uncertain as to what exactly Loki had been chosen for.

“A guinea pig?” Stark quipped.

Sif tried to stifle her laugh but could not. Thranduil glared at her. “Do not refer to my wizard as a pig.” He frowned as he looked over at Loki. “Especially when he is a dragon. One does not meddle in the affairs of dragons… or wizards for that matter. He might turn you into a toad or something.”

“The Norns obviously felt I did not deserve to die, and for good reason. Look at all I have been able to contribute,” Loki-dragon replied loftily. “Rather good choice if you ask me, and yes, be careful how you refer to me as I can easily turn you into a toad… or something.” This last comment was directed at Lady Sif.

“Well, of course you are going to say that,” Sif smirked. “You were the one who was dead… or not dead… or whatever. It is a bit confusing, but I do believe Thor is correct. We can place the blame for our misadventures on the Norns. I wonder what they intend to do with you eventually?” 

“I think I shall stay as a dragon,” Loki-dragon stated. “Harder to move me about I would think.”

Thor chuckled. “I would not trust any form to be safe from their meddling, brother. I suggest you return to your normal form before they bounce us off to some other planet or another.”

“What cretin did you state was going to kill me?” Smaug asked, returning to the topic of his supposed death.

“Why do you ask?” Thranduil answered with another question, knowing this was proper form when addressing a dragon for to answer him directly might invoke his anger.

Smaug rumbled a bit before replying. “Well, it would seem to be in my best interest to remove the threat before it allegedly happens.”

“Oh, it happens… or happened,” Tauriel looked a bit confused at the timeline of events. “In the future, when the dwarves return to reclaim Erebor.”

Smaug laughed. “Really? A few dwarves are going to defeat me? Have you not observed my magnificence? My armor is flawless. The pesky dwarves shall perish in their attempt.” He spread his wings to display his almost flawless armor.

“I did not say that it was a dwarf that caused your death,” Tauriel snapped back, apparently forgetting she was talking to a dragon.

Smaug rose to his full height, his eyes glimmering as he stared at the elf. “Then who?”

Tauriel took a deep breath before replying. “One of the Lake Town men, I was not there… or will not be there when it happens. I just… know.”

“Enough! I should have destroyed that town years ago,” Smaug began to prepare to take flight.

“Ah, wait,” Loki-dragon called out. “I do not believe that is a good idea. I mean, you are alive now and that may never happen given what has been happening to me. Clearly they are including you in my misadventures.”

Smaug paused, eyeing Loki-dragon closely. “You believe these Norns intend to have me join you on this quest? What precisely are you questing for?”

“I am uncertain as to the reason behind the quest, for I was killed, or rather thought I was killed by one of Malekith’s charming minions. The next thing I knew, I was here, in Middle Earth and met up with Thranduil. Since then we have been having quite an adventure,” Loki-dragon explained. “Traveling through the ten realms, although I had once only believed there were nine. Discovered the tenth when I arrived here.”

“And we discovered champagne. I wonder,” Thranduil considered the dragons in front of him. “Do dragons like champagne?”

Smaug considered this question. “I have never heard of champagne. Was is it?”

“It is a drink, made from grapes. Comes from France,” Stark told him. He looked over at the two ladies. “Do you happen to have any left?”

Sif shook her head. “Sorry, Thranduil drank the last drop we had. I am sure we’ll find more eventually.”

“Bother that, wish we had –“ Stark was in mid-sentence when he disappeared.

“Wait! What?” Thor groaned. “This is going to be remarkably interesting if we all go with him.”

“Unless he went to go obtain some more champagne,” Thranduil said hopefully.

Unfortunately, he was wrong. Seconds later they found themselves standing on a sandy beach, a tropical breeze causing the palm trees to sway slightly – at least those palms that the two dragons had not crushed when they appeared.

“Now where are we?” Thor asked.

“Jamaica,” Tony Stark came up the beach behind them.

“How do you know this?” Sif asked.

“Been here before, have a beach house just up the road a bit,” Tony pointed off in one direction. “And… ah, Loki, I’d suggest dropping the dragon look. And can you do something with your friend? We’re back on Earth.”

“What do you suggest?” Loki asked as he transformed back to his normal appearance. Then he noticed Smaug. The dragon was currently grazing on the tops of the palm trees.

“Not bad, what are these?” Smaug asked as he spit out a coconut. “Can I eat them?”

“They’re safe. We call them coconuts,” Tony answered, then looked at Loki. “Perhaps just a tad bit smaller? At the very least? A little less dragon-y might help.”

Loki considered this for a moment, then looked at Smaug. “I do hope you do not mind, but he is correct. We cannot exactly have a rather large dragon wandering about with us. I do promise you will be safe.”

“And if I do mind?” Smaug asked, chewing thoughtfully on a coconut. “These are rather pleasant tasting. Better than orcs.”

“Anything tastes better than an orc,” Thranduil stated the obvious.

“You’ve eaten orc?” Tauriel stared at her king.

“No, but I would imagine they are not very pleasant, given their tendencies for hygiene, or lack of,” Thranduil replied.

“Oh, crap!” Stark pointed down the beach where a group of people were walking along the shoreline towards them. “We have company coming so you might want to hurry up.”

“Oh, right. Smaug?” Loki looked up at the dragon.

“Fine,” Smaug agreed with a sigh, and with the snap of his fingers, Loki transformed him into a smaller version.

“Will this do?” Loki asked.

“Great, a tiny dragon. Well, I suppose it is better than the full-sized one,” Tony replied.

“Could you toss me another coconut?” Smaug asked since he could not reach them anymore. Loki complied by having several fall from one of the trees.

“Hi! You guys sure aren’t dressed for a walk along the beach, are you?” one of the people said as they approached.

“Ah, no. Not exactly, we are actually, ah, rehearsing for a movie,” Tony greeted the newcomers.

“Cool! What’s the title?” one person asked.

“When’s it coming out?”

“Do you need any extras?” one asked hopefully.

“It, ah, doesn’t have a title yet. Still a work in progress. Doing some set things; trying to give the company an idea so they’ll back us. You know how it goes in Hollywood. We might need extras, but it will be a while, and I take it you are on vacation, right?” Tony created what he felt might be a plausible answer as he stepped in front of the group to keep them from seeing Smaug. “Things were going fine till my dog took off. You wouldn’t happened to have seen him? Small? White?” Tony gestured an approximate size as he spoke. “Headed back that way.” He pointed in the direction they had come from.

“No, didn’t see any dogs. We just came from the hotel. Decided to take a walk. Maybe he wandered towards town?”

“Right, right. He loves going into town,” Tony was making stuff up as quick as he could, trying to keep in front of Smaug so the others couldn’t see the tiny dragon eating coconuts. “Guess we should head into town and find him. Thanks for the suggestion. Shall we?” he quickly asked his companions.

 While Tony was stalling the people, Loki reached down to scoop up Smaug, but the dragon decided otherwise and scampered into the grove of palms. “Wait!” he shouted after the disappearing dragon. “He’s over there!”

“Damn!” Tony let the word slip out before he could stop himself.

“Is that him?” One person pointed in the direction that Smaug had run. “I thought you said he was white.” He looked at Tony strangely. “And he was right behind you.”

“Must have been hiding. And yes, he is white, but has some red on his. Lots of red. And yeah, that’s him,” Tony watched as Loki took off after the dragon. “Listen, I gotta run. Thanks for spotting him!” Tony took off followed closely by the others.

“That was weird,” one of the beach walkers said. “That dog was red, wasn’t a speck of white on him that I could see.”

“Yeah, and he was one nasty looking dog. Hope we don’t run into him on our way back.”

“Maybe it was makeup for the movie?”

Meanwhile…

Racing after the dragon, the group discovered Smaug was faster than they were, even the three elves who were easily a quarter mile ahead of the others.

“Where the hell is he going?” Tony gasped as he struggled to keep up with the elves.

“How am I supposed to know?” Loki shot back.

“Well, he is your dragon,” Thor tossed in.

“I don’t think I can claim him as mine. I think he might believe otherwise,” Loki shouted. Spotting a flash of red, he added. “Over there! He went that way!”

Thirty minutes later, and still no sign of Smaug, they reached the edge of Kingston.

Chapter Text

Chapter 51: Chasing Dragons. It’s a lot like catching butterflies, right?

“Maybe we should split up?” Stark was staring down the street they had last seen Smaug scampering down.

“How will we communicate that we’ve found him?” Legolas asked. He had been the first to arrive at the edge of the town. “There are so many avenues he could have darted down,  it is hard to pinpoint what direction he was going. Last I saw him, he was down there.” He pointed to a silver garbage can at the end of the street that was tipped over.

“Did he knock that over?” Loki asked, wondering if it might be possible to follow a trail of chaos to find Smaug. .

“No, it was already tipped over. He just stopped and looked inside. Then he saw me and took off,” Legolas replied.

“We could just leave him. It’s not like we need him, and it was his choice to take off,” Sif pointed out.

“Right, leave a dragon loose? Somehow I feel as if even a tiny Smaug can cause significant damage.” Loki sighed in exasperation. “I suppose I could always reverse the spell and return him to normal size. We would find him easily then.

“NO!” Everyone shouted at once.

Loki wasn’t sure who had shrieked the loudest. “Well, I guess that idea is out of the question. Anyone else have any thoughts? Otherwise, we shall split up. Tony, you know this area. Where is a good place to meet up?”

“There’s a good ice cream place that Pepper likes to go to. Ah… best ice cream in Jamaica, but I can’t remember the name of the place.” Stark closed his eyes as he visualized the place, trying to recall the name of the place. “Let me call Pepper.” He pulled out his cell phone and punched a few buttons.

“Tony! Where the hell are you now!” Pepper’s voice screamed out of the phone.

“Hi, honey. We’re down in Jamaica right now…”

Pepper cut him off. “Without me? I’m coming down right now! Don’t you dare go anywhere else until I get there.”

“Wait!” Tony tried to stop her so he could ask his question. His jawed dropped as Pepper appeared in front of him. “How? What?”

Pepper, looking equally surprised, glared at Loki. “Is this your doing Loki?”

Loki shrugged, putting both hands up in defense. “Not me. I can’t transport people like that. Guess they decided you were necessary here. They must realize the severity of the situation.”

“They? Who is they? And what situation? What’s going on now?” Pepper asked.

“We lost Smaug,” Legolas explained, as if that statement would cover everything.

“Smaug? What is a smaug?” Pepper asked, suddenly extremely nervous about this. Her eyes darted from Tony, to Loki, to Legolas.

“You know,” Tony grinned. “Red and gold dragon. He’s… it is a he, right?” When Thranduil nodded he went on. “He’s usually about as big as that building.” He pointed to one house across from them.

“Well, that should be easy to find, so what is the problem?” Pepper asked.

“I, ah… figured he’d stand out here, so I shrunk him. He’s about the size of a medium sized dog,” Loki grinned sheepishly

“And then he took off. Last seen he was darting down this street,” Thranduil added. “We considered just leaving him on his own, but everyone decided that was not a great idea.”

“Seriously?” Pepper stared at him. “So why did you call me?” she asked Tony.

“Well, we are about to split up and search. Trying to decide on a place to regroup and I thought of that ice cream place you love but can’t recall the name of it.”

“That is why you called?” Pepper sighed. “You couldn’t have bothered to call me sooner and tell me where you were?”

“We just got here,” Stark explained, then noticed her look. “Well, not exactly ‘just’ but it wasn’t that long ago. And we arrived with a dragon in tow.” He hoped that would placate her.

“Well, I suppose arriving with a dragon would add a bit. Where were you before?” Pepper asked.

“We were in Middle Earth. That’s where we met up with Smaug. Then Tony disappeared, Thranduil was hoping he went to get champagne, but he wasn’t. We all ended up here,” Tauriel explained.

“Okaaay,” Pepper shook her head trying to take it all in.

“So, now we need to find Smaug…” Thor broke off as a family came walking down the street and passed them.

“Mom,” the child whined. “I want a dog just like that one we saw. He was pretty. You have to get me one.”

“Honey, you know we can’t have a dog, your father is allergic,” the mother replied.

“I don’t care!”  the boy stopped in the middle of the street and stomped his feet. “I ain’t never ever seen a dog like that and I want one. They gotta sell them here somewhere!”

“Son, don’t talk to your mother like that, and it is haven’t, not ain’t. Ain’t is not a word,” the father admonished. “And she’s right. We can’t get a dog. Never mind that I’m allergic, we can’t take it back through customs.”

“Customs, scusmushtoms. I want that dog! I’ll bet that guy that was chasing him will sell him to us. Seems like the dog didn’t like him,” the boy replied angrily. “Bet the dog hates him and wants to come home with me.”

Thranduil wrinkled his elegant nose as the child continued to whine and demand. “Do all human children act this way?”

“Ah, no,” Tony replied. “Some do though.”

“Com’on, mom. Dad? Really. He was pretty, all red and gold. I ain’t never seen a red and gold dog before,” the boy continued.

“I told you, ain’t is not a word,” the father replied, not bothering to address the demand.

“Wait!” Thor interrupted the family as he realized this ‘dog’ was most likely Smaug. “Where did you see this dog? It sounds like my brother’s lost dog. We’ve been searching for him.”

“Will you sell him to me?” the boy asked hopefully.

“Ah, I do not believe that would be a good idea,” Tony answered. He saw the boy’s face start to turn red and figured they were in for a temper tantrum. “But, how would you like a visit from Iron Man?”

The boy’s eye grew round with awe as he suddenly recognized Tony Stark. “You’re Iron Man! Aren’t you? Where’s your suit?”

“Back in New York, I’m on a… ah... vacation right now. Don’t tell anyone I’m here. Our secret. But, if  you promise to be good and do as your parents say, I promise I will visit you when I get back,” Tony offered, hoping this would settle the boy.

“Deal!” the boy grinned from ear to ear. “Did you hear that dad? Iron Man is going to visit me! Can I take him to school for Show and Tell?”

“You’ll have to ask Mr. Stark yourself, honey,” his mom said. Glad that a tantrum had been averted and the topic of the dog was off the table. “Now tell him where you saw that dog.”

The boy pointed down the street. “Down by the fruit stand.”

“Thanks!” Tony shouted as he took off down the street with the rest of the group. “I’ll see you in two weeks! And yes, I’ll go to Show and Tell.

“You better not let that boy down,” Pepper admonished him as they ran down the street.

“Find out where he lives,” Tony replied. “And what’s the name of that ice cream shop?”

Pepper stopped to go back to the family. “Devon House!” she shouted at the retreating group. She walked back to the family to get the necessary information. As she turned to follow the others, she discovered Sif, Frigga, and Tauriel had elected not to join in the chase.

“We decided to let the boys do the work. What is this ice cream that was spoken of?” Frigga inquired.

Pepper grinned. “Come on ladies, I shall introduce you to a treat. Do you like sweets?” When the three ladies nodded, she started walking to the rendezvous point. “A little ice cream treat would be nice while we wait for them to find this crazy dragon.”

 Meanwhile...

Dashing down the street in the direction the boy had pointed. Skidding to a stop by the fruit stand, they all searched around.

“Looking for that dog?” the market stand owner asked.

“Yes,” Loki replied. “Have you seen it?”

“Ah yeah. Took off that way, with about three others chasing him. He yours?”

“Yes,” Loki shouted over his shoulder as he took off with the others in the direction the man had pointed. “Why would others be chasing him?” he asked his companions as he ran.

“Probably because he’s red and gold and they ain’t ever seen a dog like that,” Tony answered.

Rounding a corner, they reached a small open plaza. Several small shops surrounded the plaza, and there were four streets that exited the area.

“Damn! I had hoped we were getting close,” Tony growled. He looked at the assembled party and frowned. “What happened to the girls?”

“Probably took a different route?” Legolas tentatively responded.

“I didn’t notice any other avenues as we ran,” Thranduil pointed out. “I would expect they remained with your friend, Pepper.”

A loud crash of breaking glass erupted from one of the shops. This was followed shortly by shouting.

“You break it, you pay for it!”

“I did not break it! That crazy dog did!”

“Well, it’s your dog!”

“It’s not my dog, I’m just trying to catch it!”

“I don’t care. You pay!”

Smaug bounced out of the doorway. Noticing Loki and the others, he darted down the street closest to him.

“There he goes!”

They raced after the tiny dragon. The two elves, being faster, were closing in on him when Smaug stopped dead. Legolas and Thranduil looked to see what had caused the dragon to stop and saw a group of four tall, black Jamaican men, all sporting long dreadlocks starting to surround the dragon.

“Yuh did see dat?” one asked.

“Yeah, dat one big dog.”

“De dog be de biggest dog I evar seen.”

“Ole still, doggie. Me gonna catch yu.”

“Yrch!” Thranduil hissed.

“Do they have orcs here?” Legolas asked his father.

Thranduil shrugged. “They look like young ones. They should be easy to overcome.” Drawing his sword, he started to advance.

One of the Jamaican’s noticed the two elves. Waving his hands, he shouted at them. “Galang bout yuh business!”

“They even sound like orcs!” Thranduil stated as he continued to advance.

“Stop!” Tony shouted as he saw Thranduil about to attack the men. “Please, don’t attack,” he pleaded as he quickly figured out what was going on. “They don’t mean any harm.”

“They are orcs. There are no good orcs anywhere,” Thranduil stated firmly, refusing to stop.

Smaug took advantage of this distraction to take off, only this time he didn’t look where he was going and ran straight into Loki.

“Caught you!” Loki exclaimed. Legolas handed him a bit of rope which he quickly fashioned into a leash of sorts.

“Dat be yuh dog?” one of the Jamaican’s asked.

“Yes, thank you for corralling him for me,” Loki replied. “Thranduil, stand down. Really. They only meant to help.

“But these are orcs,” Thranduil insisted.

“Orcs?” Stark asked.

“Long story, but orcs are bad guys on Middle Earth,” Loki replied. He looked at the Jamaicans and could see how the two elves might imagine they were orcs. “Thranduil, trust me, these are not orcs. We have Smaug, so let’s go meet up with the ladies.”

Thranduil looked warily at the Jamaican’s. They had not pulled any weapons out, nor had they screamed and attacked. He decided to listen to his wizard and sheathed his sword. “Do you think they have champagne at this ice cream place?”

“Only one way to find out,” Steve said.

“Where? When?” Stark stared at Steve Rogers who was now with them. “Never mind. Welcome aboard.” He peered around behind Steve. “Anyone else come with?” When Steve shook his head, he pointed to the tiny dragon Loki had situated on his shoulder. “That’s Smaug. He is a dragon.”

“No way. One of those reptile dragons?” Steve moved to inspect Smaug.

Smaug, uncertain of this newcomer, belched out a stream of fire. “Uh, no. A real fire-breathing dragon.”

“I thought they were huge? At least in the fairy tales they are,” Steve replied.

“They are, he’s just small so he doesn’t stand out too much here.”

Chapter Text

CH 52: I Scream! You Scream! We all Scream for Ice Cream!

Author’s note: I fear this chapter has been sitting unfinished for quite some time. Life just seems to get in the way, until today when I decided I needed to get it uploaded as more ideas have been popping into my mind on where to take these fearless adventurers. As always, I am open for any ideas or suggestions. Please do remember though, that this is my story. I write for myself and simply hope you enjoy.

“Like a fire-breathing dragon is not going to stand out,” Steve countered, eyeing the small dragon. “Even a little one. Where did you find him? On the beach?”

“No, Middle Earth. He normally lives there. He somehow followed us back,” Tony answered. He glanced at the Jamaicans who were still eyeing the two elves suspiciously. “Boys, thanks for helping us catch our dog.”

Realizing they were safe from the elves, the men smiled broadly. “Thenk yuh.” They turned and walked away, chattering amongst themselves.

“Well, at least they did not think a tiny dragon was odd,” Loki said as he checked the harness, he’d put on Smaug. “I suggest we head to the rendezvous point, perhaps the ladies have headed there.”

“They are probably already enjoying ice cream laughing about us chasing a dragon around Jamaica,” Tony commented. “Left us to the do the dirty work.”

“Well, at least we have him,” Legolas looked at Smaug. “He won’t try to escape that, will he?”

“Hopefully not,” Loki replied. He looked closely at the dragon. “I wonder if I make him a bit smaller…”

“Sure, why not?” Steve grinned. “What trouble can an even smaller dragon cause?”

“If you only knew,” Thor sighed. “That little thing is a terror.” He looked over at Loki and noticed he had made Smaug slightly smaller.

“There, that’s a bit better,” Loki stated as he scooped up the now tiny dragon and set him on his shoulder. “Easier to keep an eye on him. Now, which direction are we going?”

Tony looked around, trying to get his bearings. Finally, he pointed down one street. “I think if we head this way, we’ll find it.”

As the party began walking, Tony filled Steve in on their current adventures.

“I wonder how long this is going to keep going on?” Steve ventured to ask.

Loki shrugged. “I have no clue. I was quite content in Middle Earth…”

“But they have champagne here,” Thranduil pointed out.

“I am sure we could figure out how to make it.”

They turned a corner to see a large sprawling mansion ahead of them. “There we go!” Tony pointed. “I found it.”

“Hopefully the ladies made it here safely,” Steve said.

“Knowing Pepper, she came straight here and is already enjoying the famous ice cream. She loves the stuff. Why chase after a dragon when you can eat ice cream?” Tony scowled.

They reached the entrance. Tony glanced over at Loki. “Still have my credit card?”

Loki nodded.

“You’re paying then,” Tony stated. He approached the kiosk.

“You folks all want the full tour?” The cashier asked.

“Yes, why not?” Thor answered. “If we can stay that long that is.”

“We be open till six o’clock. Full tour includes one ice cream of your choice at the shop along with several other treats,” the cashier explained.

“We shall take the full tour then,” Loki handed Tony’s credit card over with a flourish. “My treat.” He grinned cheekily at Stark.

Tony groaned as he watched the cashier swipe the card and return it to Loki along with maps of the grounds and ticket packets for each. “Enjoy your visit, and make sure your dog stays on his leash.”

Loki nodded. “I intend to. He’s not the easiest to catch.”

They entered the grounds and Tony led them directly to the I Scream Ice Cream Shop. “Here we go, hope the girls are here.”

“Yoo hoo!” Pepper’s voice wafted across to them. They turned to see her with the others seated around a table in the gardens, each eating some ice cream confection. “I see you found your … ah… dog, Loki.”

Loki nodded. “Indeed.”

“That’s a stunning harness he is wearing. I swear he has more jewels on it than I own,” Pepper commented.

“Dragons hoard jewels, so of course he had to have a jewel encrusted harness, am I not correct?” Loki directed his question to Thranduil.

“Indeed. They are noted for their golden hoards. Do not attempt to take it from him, even when he is this small. Dragons are fierce creatures and excessively protective of their hoards,” Thranduil explained.

“When we return to Middle Earth, I shall make certain he is permitted to keep it then,” Loki responded.

“Enough about dragons and gold, hurry up and order some ice cream and join us,” Frigga ordered. “This stuff is good!” She lifted her almost empty bowl as proof.

“Tony? When you get yours, could you grab me another scoop of Rum Raisin?” Pepper asked. “With a scoop of Devon stout on top.”

“Sure, Loki’s paying anyway. Anyone else?” Tony quipped, knowing full well he was going to pay in the end. “Just hope Stark Industries can afford these trips,” he muttered under his breath.

Tauriel licked her spoon. “A double scoop of Sweet Sop and one of Blue Mountain Coffee. They are fantastic!”

“Coconut, Rum Raisin, and Devon Stout,” Sif shouted out her order.

“Same for me! And some of that Sweet Sop, it is grand,” Frigga chimed in.

“Got it,” Tony started towards the shop.

“Do they have champagne?” Thranduil asked.

“Probably not one of their flavors but try the Devon Stout. I’ll see if we can get some champagne delivered,” Tony replied. “I’m sure they have some somewhere on the grounds. What do you all want? Loki and I will order, and you can go sit with the ladies.”

“Stout and Rum for me,” Thor stated firmly.

“Ummm, okay,” Tony replied. “You do realize it is ice cream and not a drink, right?” Tony asked. Thor just nodded.

“Surprise me,” Steve grinned. “They all sound good.”

“The Fruit Basket sounds interesting,” Legolas had been inspecting a menu posted on a sign.

“The same for me… and…”

“Champagne, I know,” Tony cut Thranduil off. “Got it. Go have a seat everyone.”

Loki and Tony stepped into the shop to order.

As the others greeted the ladies, Steve looked at Thor. “Let’s drag that table over here so we all have room.” Thor nodded and the two men made quick work of setting up a larger table for their entire group. They had just finished when Tony and Loki returned.

“Champagne is ordered. Might take a few minutes, but our ice cream should be here shortly,” Tony announced.

“Excellent,” Thranduil replied. “I do hope it is chilled.”

Three waiters laden with trays appeared shortly and began distributing the various concoctions that had been ordered. As they departed, another trio of waiters appears with several bottles of champagne and poured glasses for each person. Three bottles were places in chiller buckets and set up at a side table. “Please call if you need more,” one stated as they departed.  

Frigga noticed a small dish had been brought for Smaug. “What flavor did you get him?”

“Cool coconut,” Loki grinned. “Maybe it will cool his flames.” Smaug hopped off his shoulder and sat in front of the small bowl that had been provided for him.

“HA! Good luck with that,” Legolas laughed. He dipped his spoon into his dish and sampled the ice cream. “This is interesting. Tastes like fresh fruit, but frozen. I have never tasted a treat like this before.”

“Told you it was good,” Pepper grinned.

“Hey wait! That’s mine!” Sif shouted. Smaug, having finished his small bowl, had decided the ice cream was quite nice and had moved over and started eating from Sif’s bowl. When she tried to shoo him away, he belched a tiny puff of fire at her, effectively melting her ice cream treat. “What the…” her mouth gaped open at the bowl of melted ice cream. Smaug took advantage of her astonishment and promptly drank the bowl’s contents. His tongue snaked out to wipe his lips, then his head swiveled as he saw Steve’s bowl.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Steve covered his bowl with his hands before the dragon could attempt to eat it. Not dissuaded by the hands, Smaug belched another puff of fire singeing Steve’s hand. “Hey, that’s hot! Be nice!” But despite the slight pain, he kept his hands firmly over his bowl. “Find your own ice cream.”

“Oh great… just what I need. A dragon who loves ice cream,” Loki groaned. He watched as the tiny dragon’s tongue darted out to snatch some ice cream off Thor’s bowl.

“Loki, I think you had best get that tiny beast some more ice cream of his own. I am not sharing mine with him,” Thor stated firmly.

Loki decided that might be the best course of action. He waved down one of the waiters and requested a much larger bowl of ice cream for the dragon. Once it arrived, Smaug promptly belched more fire on it, melting it down.

“It appears he prefers his ice cream warm,” Frigga noted.

“As long as he does not acquire a taste for champagne, he may have his ice cream any way he wishes,” Thranduil said.

Smaug, hearing about the champagne, promptly pounced on one of the bottles spilling it upon the table.

“Smaug! Really?” Tauriel admonished the tiny dragon. “You need to learn better table manners.”

Completely ignoring the elf, the dragon was lapping up the spilled champagne as fast as he could.

“You’d better slow down there, Smaug. Last thing we need is a drunken dragon,” Tony commented. By now, the dragon had lapped up almost the entire contents of one bottle.

Thranduil groaned. “It appears he likes champagne.”

“Fortunately, he is tiny. Can you imagine how much a full-sized dragon could drink?” Sif asked.

“I’d go broke buying it for him,” Tony responded. “Okay, Smaug. You’ve had enough food and drink for now. Hop back on Loki’s shoulder so we can take this grand tour.”

“Can we take the champagne with?” Loki asked quickly as he reached out to grab the dragon and set him on his shoulder.  

“We paid for it, so I suppose so,” Pepper replied as they all stood up to begin the tour of the grounds.

Smaug hiccoughed, a tiny puff of smoke erupted, and his lolled to one side. He swayed back and forth, trying to balance on Loki’s shoulder.

Thor laughed. “I do believe he is drunk!”

“Great,” Loki sighed. “What does one do with a drunken dragon?”

Two musicians wandering nearby happened to overhear the comment and promptly broke into song:

What do you do with a drunken sailor?

What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor

Earl-lay in the morning!

Way hay and up she rises
Way hay up she rises
Way hay up she rises
Earl-eye in the morning

Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Earl-eye in the morning!

Author’s note: So, my friendly readers, what do you do with a drunken dragon?

Chapter Text

Chapter 53 – What do you do with a drunken dragon?

As the musicians continued the song, a crowd began to gather. Smaug’s group watched in fascination as different people stepped up to add a verse, each one getting crazier than the previous one. The entire crowd all joined in for the chorus.

Loki was enjoying the song when he noticed the musicians had changed and the crowd had changed– radically! Now in place of the tourists who had been singing along, there were several knights, ladies in heavy velvet gowns, others in bodices and long skirts along with the tourists in their shorts and tee-shirts. His eyes darted around. Where were the others? He saw none of the others from his party. Had he been sent here alone this time? He checked his shoulder and Smaug was still swaying upon it, almost as if he was swaying to the music but clearly still affected by the quantity of champagne he had consumed.

One of the main singers took over for the last verse, ending the song.

“That’s what you do with a drunken sailor

That’s what you do with a drunken sailor

That’s what you do with a drunken sailor

Earl-lay… in … the …. Morning!”

The singer finished the song with a flourish. “Thanks folks! Ye were grand!” He bowed low then turned to his fellow singers and linking arms with them, swayed off into the crowds.

Loki looked carefully at his new location. There were many wooden store fronts to which the crowd that had been gathered around the musicians were now eagerly heading towards. One young boy shouted, “Dad! That’s where they sell the turkey legs. I want one, please?” His father smiled at the young lad and nodded. “A turkey leg it is. One must have a turkey leg if one attends a renaissance festival.” The boy was dressed in shorts and a tee but was wielding as wooden sword and shield. “I shall slay any dragons we meet!” Loki hoped the boy did not see Smaug, he had no desire to deal with a boy intent on slaying dragons.

He focused in on what the father had stated, saying they were at a renaissance festival. Loki wondered what in the world that was. He vaguely recalled a trip to Earth when he’d managed to get Thor kicked out of Asgard. Hadn’t one of the citizens of the town where Jane and her buddies were working said something about a renaissance festival when Sif and the Warriors Three had appeared to assist Thor? If that were the case, he decided a renaissance festival must be where people dressed up like… like? Like what? He tried to figure it out, not really knowing much about Earth. Was this some strange ritual festival the people enjoyed? His thoughts were interrupted when a couple approached him.

“Well met, my lord. I seeth thou hath determined to be a part of the costume contest this fine day.” The man was wearing what looked like chain mail, although a quick glimpse of it assured Loki it would fail any battle. The lady was scantily clad in a chain mail bikini, much of her flesh exposed. That would definitely fail in an attack. Even his manner of speech was odd. Not what he was accustomed to on Earth. Maybe he had been sent to a different era? But that did not explain the shorts and tee shirts. He was fairly certain those were modern.

“But he doesn’t have a number, honey,” the lady pointed out. “Like we do.”

He noticed a white card attached to their outfits with the number 27 printed boldly upon it. “Ah, contest? No, I had not considered entering…”

“Oh, but you must!” the lady exclaimed. “That’s the best ‘Loki’ costume I’ve ever seen in my life. There are some good ones out there today, but yours is so detailed. There is a great Captain Jack Sparrow, and a fabulous group doing Monty Python’s Holy Grail, but you rank right up there with those. Did you make it yourself?”

Before he could answer, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that one, Smaug chose that moment to belch, a cloud of smoke erupting from his nostrils this time.

“Thou hast the best dragon puppet I hath ever seen. Where upon did you procure him? Perchance they are selling them here?” The man asked, his accent shifting slightly as he continued to talk, beginning to sound more normal, or what most Earth people of this time sounded like. Loki wondered if talking differently was part of the festival requirements.

“I want one, it’s so cute!” the lady added. Loki realized the lady was making no attempt to speak differently. He determined that it was not a requirement, more like a guideline. That meant he was probably still in the same time frame he’d just left. But where were the others?

“Ah, actually it is not a puppet, it is real,” Loki explained, quite a bit confused why anyone would want to buy one. Dragons, even tiny ones, were quite pesky based on his current experiences.

The lady’s eyes grew huge as she stared at Smaug. “Real? How the heck did you get him in here? They don’t allow pets at all.”

“He is not exactly a pet, but I guess they did not realize he was alive. They must have thought he was a puppet, like you did.” Loki came up with that excuse quickly as he figured he had entered this festival in a very different manner than most. Mentally, he cursed the Norns for just dropping him here without any of the others. “He has been sitting quietly most of the time, so…” he shrugged his shoulders hoping that would explain.

“Yeah, that makes sense. They are more worried about weapons and such,” the man said, dropping his accent entirely. He pointed at a huge sword hung on his belt. “That’s why I gotta have this peace-tied. They are afraid some drunk might grab it off me and hurt someone. Like I’d let anyone touch it!” He frowned fiercely.

“indeed. That makes perfect sense. I can see one would be very stupid to even think of attempting to take your weapon,” Loki stated. The man puffed up at the compliment.

“Ah, there you are.”

Loki recognized Thranduil’s voice immediately. He turned to greet his friend, noticing at once that the King was still carrying a full glass of champagne.

“Oh my god! Is that champagne? What tavern is selling that?” The lady had obviously noted the full glass as well.

“I brought it with me,” Thranduil replied, looking down his elegant nose at the woman. He wasn’t sure if he was offended by her outfit or not.

“Man, you two must have slipped in with a large group to get a pet and alcohol in here. They usually don’t miss that,” the man spoke up. “I take it you are friends. That’s a cool costume you got there. Trying to place the genre…” he scratched his head as he looked over Thranduil.

“It’s from Lord of the Rings, hon. He’s supposed to be the elven king from Mirkwood, right?” The lady grinned, happy she had figured it out.

“I am not supposed to be Thranduil, I am Thranduil,” the elven king spoke loftily in reply. Dismissing the woman, he turned to Loki. “Wizard? Where are we now?”

“It is a renaissance festival,” Loki answered, still uncertain what that was.

“Wizard?” the lady echoed. “Loki isn’t a wizard, he supposed to be a trickster god from Asgard, right?”

A loud cacophony of trumpets and bells interrupted any further conversation. The noise was followed by shouts.

“God Save The Queen!”

“Make way for Queen Elizabeth!”

The lady gasped. “It’s the Queen, honey! We get to see the Queen!”

“We’d better get out of the middle of the street or we’ll be in trouble,” the man replied, grabbing her arm and pulling her towards the side of the street.

Loki took advantage of the distraction to escape from the couple before they could ask any further questions. “This way,” he hissed at Thranduil. The two moved in the opposite direction of the couple.

They crossed the street and found a spot along the edge. People were starting to race out of the stores to line the streets in anticipation of the queen’s arrival.

“This is some odd custom, a renaissance festival I believe it is called,” Loki finally was able to answer Thranduil’s question. “But I do not know precisely where we are, but we are still on Earth.”

Thranduil took a sip of his champagne and looked around at the various costumed people. “Odd indeed. Well, at least I thought to bring this along as it sounds from that woman that champagne is not to be found here.”

“You didn’t happen to bring along a bottle by any chance?” Loki asked.

“Unfortunately, no. I believe Tauriel and Sif oversaw them. I see you still have Smaug.”

“Yes, for now at least.”

The noise grew louder and shouts announcing the arrival of the queen made it impossible to talk any further. They watched as various costumed people led a procession past them. Some were singing and dancing while others carried banners. Every so often one would shout “God Save the Queen!”. A group of somber looking guards appeared, marching to the beat of a drummer. They were followed by a group of ladies and gentlemen, all wearing heavy velvet garments encrusted with what appeared to be jewels. Several servants raced up and down the line serving water to the both the guards and these gentleman and ladies. Finally, a small group of horses appeared. Four knights were escorting a woman dressed in a heavy purple and white gown riding upon a litter carried by several guards. She was smiling and waving at the people standing along the parade route. Periodically the group marching would shout “God Save the Queen! Huzzah!” People standing along the crowded street shouted a return “Huzzah!” each time.

Thranduil and Loki watched the entire parade. “I guess that is the queen?” Loki pointed to the woman on litter.

“Odd custom,” Thranduil replied.

“It is some sort of festival, so I suppose they are acting. They are calling her Queen Elizabeth, and that was not so long ago if I remember history correctly. I will admit to skipping over Earth history lessons. But since it is just a festival, I do not believe it shall matter,” Loki stated.

A man standing next to them turned to look at them curiously, obviously having heard at least a part of Loki’s statement. “Not so long ago? You really did ditch your history lessons. Queen Elizabeth reigned from 1558 to 1603. That was over 400 years ago.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Young’un’s these days.” He turned his attention back to watch the end of the parade which consisted of a few entertainers were juggling and singing. As the last one past, the man moved off.

Thranduil lifted one elegant eyebrow. “Over 400 years ago? Young’uns?”

“I know,” Loki nodded. “They don’t understand that is a blink of an eye to us.”

The parade having concluded, people once again dispersed, filling the streets or walking into stores. Loki and Thranduil began to stroll down the street observing the recreation of this town. Some of the stores were actual buildings, although if you looked closely, you could see the false fronts. They noticed some stores were just tents that had been set up on the bare ground. Each one had unique goods, advertising things such as soaps, pottery, leather, incense, and jewelry. Several had costumes one could purchase or just rent for the day. Street vendors also were hawking goods and treats. They eventually reached an area were several booths offered various food, including the turkey legs Loki had heard the one boy requesting.

Loki grinned. “I still have Stark’s credit card. Shall we get something to eat?”

“Why not. I wonder what this festival offers in the way of food?”

“I overheard one young lad asking for a turkey leg,” Loki mentioned. He pointed towards a family sitting at a table, each one biting into a turkey leg.

Thranduil turned his nose up in disgust. “I shall pass on that, thank you. Perhaps…” he perused the various people sitting at tables, looking closely at what each was eating. “That looks like it has potential.” He pointed to a table where a family had a huge platter filled with fresh fruit and on top of ice cream and topped with chocolate sauce.

“We just had ice cream,” Loki pointed out.

“True,” Thranduil agreed and sipped some more of his champagne. “I do wish Sif or Tauriel would show up with the champagne.”

“Want to sample my nuts?” A man approached them holding out a plate filled with sugar-coated nuts. “I have cashews, almonds, and walnuts.” He dipped a spoon into the mixture and held it out.

Loki accepted the mix and popped one of the nuts into his mouth. “Quite tasty.”

“I shall try one,” Thranduil held out his hand and was provided with a sample of the nuts. Trying one, he nodded. “They are quite good.”

The man grinned. “You can purchase them over at that booth.” He pointed to the booth. “Best nuts at the faire!” he stated as he walked away to offer samples to other people.

Loki went over to the booth and returned with three different bags. “I purchased one of each. Now…” his eye caught a sign. “That sounds intriguing.” He pointed to the sign. “Grilled pineapple.”

“It sound better than a turkey leg.”

A few minutes later the two were seated at one of the wooden picnic tables under an oak tree. A plate filled with grilled pineapple chunks and strawberries covered with a drizzle of chocolate sauce, along with a fresh salad and the three bags of nuts were set upon the table. Smaug had hopped from Loki’s shoulder and was busy consuming a pile of lettuce he had snatched from the salad.

“An interesting combination of foods,” Thranduil commented as he nibbled on a piece of the grilled pineapple. “This is quite good, in fact.”

“I shall try that next,” Loki stated as he finished a handful of the cashews. He sighed. “If only we had champagne.”

**POP**

Chapter Text

Chapter 54 – Thor Goes on an Adventure Alone… (For Now)

“A renaissance festival?” Urd cackled with glee. “I am surprised you didn’t send Thor along with. He would fit right in.”

“Indeed, he does love his beer.” Skuld lifted an imaginary tankard. “Should we?”

“I do not see why not. But send the others back to where they belong. It was getting a bit messy trying to keep track of them all,” Verdandi sighed.

“Why do you care how many there are? I find it rather delightful watching all their antics,” Urd countered.

“You are both right, you know. It is a bit of a crowd we are moving, but it is fun to watch them all,” Skuld pointed out the positives on both sides, hoping to avert an argument. If Urd and Verdandi got into an argument, it would stop all the fun as their fights were known to last a long time. She was enjoying this little activity they’d created. “I have a suggestion, just send the two ladies – Sif and Tauriel. For now. Depending on where we send them off to next, we can pick who can go and who cannot.”

Verdandi considered this option. Deciding it was acceptable she nodded in agreement. “But do not forget to include Thor, he must go to this renaissance festival.”

“Indeed,” Urd agreed. “The Mighty Thor must attend.”

“Can I pick the next place? After they’ve been at the festival a bit of course.” A wicked grin crossed Verdandi’s face.  

Skuld glanced over to Urd, who nodded. “Of course. Are you going to tell where?”

“Or when?”

“All in good time. Let’s get the others there and see what mischief we can stir up here first,” Verdandi cackled.

“To Mischief!” all three shouted at once.

• §•§•

Thor noticed he had been moved to some other location. Now where was he? He scanned the area noting it appeared he was at some gathering. There were people dressed as normal Midgardians and others in some costume. Where was Loki? He had to be here as he doubted they would have sent him here without his brother being here as well.

He caught sight of a place that looked like it was serving beer or ale. He wandered up.

“Ah, here for your free drink?” the bartender asked.

“Free drink?” Thor repeated.

“Yeah, for being in the costume contest. Everyone gets a free drink. What’ll ya have?”

Thor watched as another bartender was pouring a large tankard for another person. “Is that one good?” he asked.

The bartender grinned. “New to the faire are you? That’s the faire’s special ale. Let me get you one. It is the best.” He poured a large tankard for Thor and handed it to him.

Thor looked at the frothy ale and took a sip. “It is good!” he announced, then proceeded to drink the entire tankard.

The bartender’s eye opened wide. “Man, I ain’t seen anyone drink like that before.” He reached out for the tankard. “Let me give you a refill – on the house!”

Thor handed the tankard to him and watched him pour it.

“You must have been thirsty there, now don’t drink too much. Don’t want you reeling when it’s time for the contest,” then he leaned closer to Thor. “And feel free to stop by for refills. On the house.”

“Indeed, my good man.” Thor turned and walked away sipping at this drink as he considered where he was. People were milling all about, and he saw quite a few dressed in various costumes, but he saw no sign of Loki. He overheard many people chattering about what they were planning to do at this faire he had been dumped into. He wondered where he was, although he knew he was still on Midgard and it appeared the time had not changed much. He continued to walk about, searching for his brother.

“Oh my god! It’s Thor!”

Thor turned to see who had identified him. There were three ladies staring dreamily at him. He sighed softly before smiling at them. “Good day ladies.” He noted they were dressed in costumes. Long colorful skirts, boots, a rather revealing bodice with a chemise underneath, all topped off with some feathered creation he supposed passed for a hat in this gathering.

The ladies, taking his greeting as an invitation, scurried over towards him.

“That is the best costume yet!”

“Are you in the contest?”

“Can we get our picture with you?”

The ladies fired questions at him, one digging out her phone from a bag. She waved at a passerby. “Can you take our picture?” The man obliged taking the phone as the ladies clustered round him. He smiled at the man as he took a few photos before he returned the phone back to the lady. “Hope they are okay.”

The lady looked at her phone. “Fantastic! Thanks!” She eagerly showed the photos to the group. “These are awesome.”

“Make sure you send it to us!” one lady stated. The owner of the phone nodded.

“By any chance have you seen my brother?” Thor asked hopefully.

“Loki? Sure. There are like four or five that we’ve seen. Which one is your brother?”

“Ah, four or five?” Thor asked skeptically. He wondered if his brother had created illusions of himself here.

“Yep. Two are so-so,” the one lady answered, waggling her hands to indicate the inferiority of the two.

“You can say that again. Looked like they just used some old Halloween costume and the crown on one… wow, that was out of yellow cardboard!” another said with a giggle. “But that Lady Loki was pretty good.”

“Lady Loki? Ah, that doesn’t sound like my brother… but then again, I guess it could be…” Thor’s voice trailed off. He wondered if Loki had done something like that. Wouldn’t be the first time. Also was Smaug still with him? He was about to ask when he realized all three ladies were laughing at his comment.

“Yes, we’ve heard all about his antics, so maybe that was her inspiration, but I honestly think the chick thinks he’s hot and … well, you know,” Rolling her eyes, one lady said then shook her head. “I mean, he is hot, but…” her voice trailed off realizing she was talking to Thor. Or a patron dressed as Thor anyway.

Thor nodded. “I understand. My brother can be a bit much at times. Perhaps you could tell me where you saw them? All of them I guess, because one never knows what he did. We… ah, we did not arrive together, so I do not know how he is dressed today.” He hoped that explanation would suffice.

“Sure. The chick was over by the jousting field last we saw her, one of the so-so Loki’s was down by the queen, the other was over by candle shop.”

“Oh, don’t forget the one that was hanging out with a drop dead gorgeous Thranduil!” one chimed in.

“Thranduil?” Thor repeated. “That might be the one… I mean the Loki, not Thranduil. I believe he was planning to come with a Thranduil.” He hoped Thranduil wouldn’t mind being called a mere ‘a’ Thranduil, but from what he surmised, these people assumed he was someone in a costume.

“They were over in the food court area about 20 minute ago,” the lady replied. Then she grinned. “Say, if we find those, would you mind posing again for a photo? I’m a big Lord of the Rings fan, and that would make the most awesome photo ever!”

“Ah, sure. I suppose, if they are willing. Now which way to the food court?” Thor replied.

“Follow us,” one lady turned and started to walk away. She paused for a second and turned around. “And I’m Katie, that’s Linda…” she pointed to another.

“And my name is Elizabeth, but you can call me Beth for short,” the third announced. “Now what’s your name?”

Thor considered that for a moment, slightly confused. “Just call me Thor,” he finally said.

Beth giggled. “Staying in character, eh? I get you. No problem.”

The group started walking again.

“Shush! Don’t look obvious, but one of the so-so Loki’s is over there, by the leather shop,” Kate hissed quietly, trying not to attract any attention.

Thor looked in the direction she had indicated and saw the ‘Loki’. He had to struggle to hold back his laughter. The ‘Loki’ was wearing a cardboard crown that was definitely painted yellow. It appeared as if a child had painted it. His face was very round and slightly puffy, almost cherub-like, with bright pink cheeks. He was sporting a goatee, something he had never seen Loki have before. His hair was the correct color, but it was stringier and greasier than he’d ever seen on his brother. The outfit was almost as bad as the crown. The cloak was green but had streaks of dirt and spots on it from who knew what. He had on a black leather vest and leather pants, but the boots were fake leather covers hiding his sneakers.

“Ah, yes. That is definitely not my brother.”

“Good, looks like he’s been hitting the pubs heavily too.” Kate stated as they watch ‘Loki’ walk away with a very unsteady gait.

“This way guys, the Lady Loki was over in that area last we saw her.” Linda pointed in one direction. “The jousting field is down there, and I think there is something scheduled to start shortly. Maybe the other ones will be there too.”

“Good idea,” Beth responded.

They headed towards the jousting field. Thor recognized it as a rather archaic English term. If he remembered correctly, jousting was popular in the past on Midgard. Something to do with knights, horses, and spears… or something like that. Unlike Loki, he had paid some attention to Midgardian history lessons. With that little tidbit, he was able to guess that this faire was something made to resemble that period. Eager to see this jousting, he followed the ladies.

Finishing off his ale, he noticed they were passing by the pub where he could get it refilled. “If you ladies do not mind waiting just a moment…” he pointed towards the pub. “And can I get anything for you?”

“Oooh! Some of the sparkling cider would be nice, if you don’t mind,” Kate answered.

“Me too,” Linda and Beth chimed in.

“My pleasure.” He walked up and waited for the bartender he had met earlier. Once he caught his eye, the man sauntered over. “Back so soon? And with three lovely ladies in tow. Good job, mate.” He reached out for Thor’s tankard and proceeded to refill it. “Something for the ladies?”

“They requested sparkling cider,” Thor replied, wondering what would happen if he was asked to pay for this. He wasn’t sure he had any Midgardian money on him. He felt something in his hand and looked down to see some bills in his hand. He looked around seeing no one near him but could swear he heard someone cackling overhead. He glanced up but saw nothing. “Norns,” he muttered under his breath as the barkeep returned with the three sparkling ciders. He pulled one bill out and handed it to the man. “Hope this is enough.”

The bartender looked at the one-hundred-dollar bill. “Ah, more than enough. I know the prices are high, but… Let me get you your change, mate.”

“No, keep the change,” Thor replied.

The barkeep raised his eyebrows at the excellent tip. “Of course, my lord. And thank you for your generosity!”

Picking up the drinks, he walked back to the ladies. “Here you go.” He handed one to each. They resumed their walk towards the jousting fields as they sipped their drinks.

“Thank you for the drinks. This hits the spot on a warm day!” Linda exclaimed.

“You are welcome.” Thor took a swallow of his ale as they headed towards the joust. “This ale is good. The guy back there said I can get free refills if I want.”

“Great!” Kate grinned. “We just have to make sure not to overdo it, it is a bit of a drive home you know.”

Thor didn’t know, but he nodded anyway. He knew he would not be driving to his next destination… wherever that was.

“Look to the right! It’s the Lady Loki,” Beth pointed out a costumed woman.

Thor looked and was pleasantly surprised at the costume. The Lady Loki was tall, almost as tall as his brother, and the outfit was well made. Her face bore a slight resemblance to his brother, but more feminine of course. Her long black hair was obviously dyed to create the look, or a wig, he wasn’t ‘quite sure which, but it had the typical long straggly locks his brother usually sported. Rather than some slapdash costume like the one they had seen earlier; her outfit was made of leather and various other materials to create a well put together costume. “Pretty nice, but definitely not my brother.”

“Oh well,” Linda replied as she scanned the crowd looking for the other Loki’s. “I don’t see any of the others here, especially the one with Thranduil.” she frowned slightly, obviously disappointed.

Thor took another drink of ale as he too scanned the crowd. He practically choked on this one as he spit out the drink and shouted. “Oh, HELL!”

Chapter Text

Chapter 55: Seriously? What next?

All three ladies turned to look at Thor. Seeing his eyes locked on someone across the jousting field, they turned to look at what had caused this reaction.

“Wow!” Kate’s eyes grew round with surprise. “Those are outstanding costumes. I have to say, you’ll have some stiff competition.”

“I have to find my brother,” Thor finally spit out.

“Well, of course you do,” Linda replied. “If those two are entered in the group competition your brother’s costume better be as good as yours or you don’t stand a chance.” She sighed, staring at the couple across the way. “The detail appears awesome. I’d like to go take a closer look. Maybe we can do a group photo with them too?” she ventured.

“Ah… I… ah… I do not believe that would be a good idea,” Thor sputtered. “We need to find my brother. Fast! Where was it you saw him last?”

“But they are about to start the practice round,” Beth whined. “I really do not want to miss it.”

Linda rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Beth. This is just the practice round. The final joust to the death is in two hours. We can come back and see that. I mean, it’s not like we’ve never watched the practice round. I can tell you line by line what’s going to be said and what is going to happen.”

Beth huffed. “True, but there are sometimes gaffes they have to adjust to.”

“Those are minor, you know that. Linda is right. We’ve seen this round at least three times this season. Let’s go find that Loki and Thranduil. Imagine the photo we can get if we come back and do a photo with all them?” Kate suggested.

“Ah… right. I’m not sure that would be a good idea…”

Kate looked at him with an odd expression. “You know them? Bad blood between you or something, like a bad neighbor thing?”

“I’ll bet they’ve lost to that group in previous competitions. You know how competitive some of these people are about the cosplay contests. Especially when the prize is pretty good,” Linda added.

“Yeah,” Thor answered. “Something like that. I would rather my brother see them before we go over there. Just…“ He paused trying to figure out a way out of this. Damn those Norns, he cursed silently. “Let’s say we don’t exactly get along.”

“Got it.” Kate nodded. “This way to the food court. That’s where we saw the Loki with Thranduil.”

•§•§•

Loki heard the “pop” and looked around. Who had joined them now? “Ah, excellent!” He greeted the newest arrivals. “Did not believe they would allow us to travel without some companions.”

Thranduil looked up from his pineapple. “Well, it is about time. I am almost out of champagne. I do hope you brought some.”

Tauriel rolled her eyes. “I am not the keeper of the…” she stopped speaking as she realized she was holding a large picnic basket. “Well, it appears that I am.”

“Do tell, did you get enough for all of us to eat?” Sif asked noticing the food upon the table.

“As long as you have champagne in the basket, we have plenty to share,” Loki grinned. “Welcome to a renaissance festival.”

“Ah, so that is where we are. I always wondered what one was after that…” Sif paused, not sure if bringing up that incident was a good idea.

Loki sighed. “I was mad at Odin at the time. And yes, I did take it out on Thor, but it all turned out good in the end, didn’t it? I fell off the Bifröst,”

“Let go of Thor’s hand, more like,” Sif countered.

“Details. But things worked out.”

“Really? Like when you came back to Midgard and took out New York with your new friends?” Sif countered.

“I wasn’t quite myself,” Loki shrugged, looking as innocent as he could. “And I ended up dying anyway saving Jane.”

“You didn’t save Jane, Thor did, but that’s an old story. And you didn’t exactly die, did you?”

“No, I suppose not. At least it appears I did not. But, let’s forget about that.”

Thranduil and Tauriel had watched this exchange with keen interest.

“Care to expound a bit on this?” Thranduil asked when the two seemed to have finished.

“Well,” Loki thought for a second on how to explain his more recent past transgressions. “I was mad at Odin, my father. At least he told me he was my father, but I’m not really sure he is my father. My mother, who is not my real mother, always told me that he was my father and that my mother was a Frost Giant… but it could be the other way around. But that’s an old story. Odin decided Thor would be a better king than me, which was a huge mistake. I made a deal with the Frost Giants to come upset the coronation ceremony for Thor. Thor got a bit mad at their disruption, like I planned, and led a group of us to Jotunheim to protest their attack. I tried to talk him out of it.”

“Not too hard as I recall,” Sif interjected.

“True, but I did try. Anyway, Odin found out and had to come rescue us from Jotunheim. Odin of course was mad at Thor for acting so rashly.”

“As you planned,” Sif slipped in.