Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Love of mine. Someday, you will die.

The wheels of Dick's Malibu crunched against the gravel road to the manner. The road was muddy from the recent bout of rain. When he reached the black gate connecting to the enormous stone wall he punched Alfred's key code in. As a teenager, when Bruce kicked him out of his home, Alfred had been the one to invite him back in and lend him a code that even the big bad bat wouldn't dare revoke.

His brothers would be there tonight before patrol. Alfred had declared tonight a family dinner. The secret laid heavy on his tongue caged behind his teeth. This would be their last family dinner. Or at least, the last time any of them would see Dick alive.

Before Dick went in he took a moment to reflect on what brought him to this moment.

~~~

The Titans were loosing. Dick cursed.

He wasn't even supposed to be on this mission. He swore he was done with the Titans, done with teams in general. He was 27 and it felt like it was finally time to start living his life for him. No more waiting at Bruce's beck and call. No more being the family sponge responsible for defusing everyone's neuroticism. And no more being responsible for other heroes.

Then again, he was always the type of man to put himself aside for other people so maybe from the get go he should have known he was lying to himself and this resolution wouldn't last.

Donna knew it too. No matter how many times they swear, this time, for real, no actually, they were done. When someone needed help, they would always say how?

Plus, it was Raven who'd shown up at his door in Blüdhaven at 2 in the morning. What was he supposed to do, shut it in her face? Raven who'd never asked for his help like this before. Raven who'd drove all the way from Jump. No, he couldn't turn her away. Donna would understand, she would have done the same whether she admits it or not.

Raven explain that a fallen one, Aërial was tying to escape. Which is bad for humanity and what not. But lucky humanity, the Titans are assembling to fight it. Even luckier apparently Dick's mother Mary was descended from a long line of Saphia which happen to be predestined to fight fallen ones. Yeah, humanity. Whooo.

"Dick, there's a reason Saphias tend to go into hiding. They're blood can be used to trap the fallen ones but it should only be used as a plan D. I can help you prepare for the ritual if it comes to that, but by Azerath I pray it doesn't."

"Then let's get started."

The battlefield was chaos. For many many reasons this was hell. Dick shortlist would be, the blood actually raining down from the sky, the crack in the Earth where the sky beam of fire was occurring, and the actual demons from hell that were attacking him and his teammates. It was time for plan D and he knew it.

"Donna, Vic, I need you to help me get to the center. I can stop this." His voice called out to his friends over the wrech of the world around them.

"No!" Donna cried out desperately.

"There isn't another way. Look around the world is burning." Dick hoped he sounded brave, really he just wanted to turn tail and run.

"Then let the world burn! What has it ever done for us? It doesn't always have to be you!" Her voice was furious and cracked with pain.

"I'm sorry Troy. This time it does. You're an Amazon, remember that. This is your duty. Now stand and fight with me." Finally, his voice had successfully mastered the commanding tone he was going for out of the sticky fear coated place in his gut. He really really didn't want to die.

"Damn you Grayson." She ran to him and wrapped him in such a tight embrace. For a moment there was no last stand, no war, violence, fear, or danger. The sound of Cyborg sonic cannons giving them cover was faded into obscurity and the blood could be humid tropical rain. The smells of burnt flesh and the choke of smoke, the screams of civilians who couldn't run fast enough, and the horror of the situation were no existent. There was only two childhood best friends and their love for each other.

Then the moment was over and the girl whispered to the boy who'd long become a man, "To the end?"

His voice full of promise, "To the end."

Then they whirled together a cyclone of blades and fury. Donna had an Athenian Xiphos named Niko and Dick had a bo staff he was using more like a spear. Stabbing, slashing, and wacking their way through the horde to the center of this monstrosity.

"Got my 6?"

Donna was once again Troya. Her voice was stiff but playful all the same, "like you'd even have to ask short pants."

"Hey Donna?" a pause was thick, "you are the best friend I've ever had."

"Hey scaly panties, shut up because you're coming out of this fine. Now do your thing. I've got your back."

Nightwing pulled out of his utility belt the sacred items Raven has given him before.

First he surrounded himself in a circle of grave dirt, then he placed a bowerbird's foot in the center, lit a sprig of scarlet sage, and held on in his left hand his mother's golden Robin brioche.

"Oh, Fallen one. Aërial. I come to you on this desecrated ground. I offer myself to you in body and mind. Come on this plane and make me your vessel. For my body shall be your place and my place shall be in your body. Come pledge with me and take what is yours."

Suddenly a beautiful lady walked out of the fire as it parted for her and towards Nightwing. She was one of the most beautiful people Dick or really any of them had ever seen. Garfield would remember later thinking she looked like a sad Angel. That there's no way she could be anything but celestial.

"You pledge yourself to me?" Her voice was melodic. Tempting in a way that almost compelled those around who heard it to argue "no. I pledge." "I pledge first." "Mistress forget him and choose me."

Donna had to stop herself from proclaiming that she would die for this stranger.

Grayson's voice put those feeling to rest with his "I do."

"Free of mind, body, and spirt you knowingly enter in this contract to be my representative on Earth. You submit your will and gift me your body on this day?"

"I do."

"Then be it for all to hear that Nightwing has gifted himself to Aërial for all eternity. That he entered this agreement of his own free will. It shall be sealed and it shall be done."

Drawing a blade from seemingly nowhere the enchanting woman first carved into his shoulders. Then his upper back and finally his heart. The blade burn against skin like acid. The feeling of dread and panic nestled its way up as if his very being was telling him to run. Run from the pain. Run from this Abomination. Run from it all.

When the beautiful woman was done mutating him she pulled him forward and kissed him.

He lips tasted like cigarette ash and pain. She bit into his lip, hard. Breaking skin and drawing blood. Then she disappeared. Looking down at the pit though a hideous woman crawled out with long fingers nails and pussing pockets of skin. She crawled on all fours with inhuman speed and disfigured joints straight into Dick's body.

It was on this day Dick learned being possessed hurt. Besides the burn of the ruins she carved into him, his body suddenly ached like he'd gone one too many rounds with Killer Crock and his head screamed like he was fighting Grodd.

Donna told him later when he woke up in the next bay after the hellspoon entered him he started seizing and his mouth foamed like a rabid dog choking on his own tongue.

"You tricked me." A voice in his head hissed vile and decrepit. "You fool, now we will both die. Your soul will poison me as I will poison your body until there's nothing left of us. Release me from these bindings while there's still time and I will spare you and your friends."

"Never. Remember? I promised my body will be your place. I just left the part out where my body will be your prison."

"How very brave Saphia. It's not fair though is it? You're youth wasted holding me in. Give me control. Give into me and you'll be free. No more pain or sacrifice. Just peace."

Dick imaged the voice materialize before him.

"You know what will happen as time goes on don't you? You'll burn out. You'll feel fine at first, then as it sets in all those bad feelings you keep locked up with come to the front, followed by an exhausting so deep with settle in your bones, your body will start to waste away, you're beauty gone, and those lovely, those are just the first symptoms. By the end a fever so hot your blood will boil your brain. Not to mention the intense pain you will be in."

She came forward and cradled Dick's check like a mother. "But I can save you from that. Just put me in the driver's seat and I'll tuck you away. I can protect you unlike the Bat who just used you and threw you away."

Her offer is so tempting. To have all his suffering whipped away and be no more. But then he thought of Damian, of Donna, of Jason and Tim, Wally, Cass, Babs, Stephanie, the Titans, Uncle Clark and Aunt Dianna, of Sam his favorite barista, and every other person counting on him right now.

"No." his voice was firm and as steady as a surgeon's hand.

"No?" Disbelief coated the demon's voice.

"No." His voice and heart were even more sure this time.

"You realize that's suicide!"

"No. It's sacrifice. There's a difference."

Then Dick imagine chains wrapping themselves around the fallen one. Thick manacles binding her wrists pulling her to her knees. Snake like binding curling their way around her body. A gag firm between her teeth.

Then darkness over took him and he woke in the Titan's med bay with Donna holding his hand.

~~~

But that was months ago and he needed to get his head on straight or else his family would see right through him. Dick can't let that happen. They would do something stupid trying to protect him and get hurt or worse accidentally free Aërial and this would be for not.

Before getting out the car Dick cranked up the heat. Lately he can't get warm. His fingers and toes always have a chill set in them. It doesn't matter how many pairs of socks he puts on, his toes are always cold.

His skin is starting to lose its olive hue too. For tonight he put dark foundation on his face, neck, and hands in an attempt to keep his brothers from asking questions.

Maybe he can convince them that Bruce is actually a vampire and bit him in his youth and the store was out of spray tan. Probably not though, even if he could Jason would just be pissed he didn't get bit too. "Golden boy always daddy's perfect solider."

Dick wishes he could explain to Jay that their the same just instead of trying to get Bruce's love by rebelling, Dick tries by doing everything right all the time. They both fail anyway so why are they each other's competition?

"Which is why you should kill Bruce. He never loved you. He can’t love you, never could. You are just so deeply unloveable." The wench in his brain whispered.

"Shut up." His inner voice boomed only to be rewarded with a migraine.

Fuck, get it in gear Grayson.

Dick pulled the keys from ignition and made his way inside.

Everyone was sitting and the dinning table which means he was more than late. Oh well. It's not for a lack of effort, it took him an hour and half to get up this morning. He tried, he really did. And he knew he needed to start getting ready about 25 minutes before he actually did. It's just so hard lately and all he wants is to sleep. Sleep is warm and quiet.

"So glad you can join us Goldie. I was beginning to think you forgot the way to Gotham. It's been months since you've been down here. We too posh for you now?"

"Harde har har Jason. You're just jealous because I have a real job. And you do what with your time? Flirt with Roy?"

"Do not." Jason mumbled into his mash potatoes.

"Do too." Damian grumbled.

"Timmy. How's things at Hudson?" Dick asked changing the subject, trying to avoid a fight.

"Good. My favorite class this term is the effects of metahumans on microeconomics with Henifer."

"Henifer is still there. He's got to be a thousand by now. Is he still a hard ass?"

"He was never a hard ass. You were just uninterested in being there."

"Touché."

Dick grabbed small portions. Nausea was a really bitch and when his head hurt it was always worse.

"Grayson?"

"Yeah Little D?"

"I have an art show coming up at school. Do you think you could make it?"

"I don't know Dami, I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you."

The rest of dinner was pleasant small talk. Alfred joined them at the table, sitting opposite the side Bruce normally did. Dick was so glad Bruce had some charity something or another to go to and wasn’t here. He think Alfred knew he was avoiding Bruce too since he waited until Bruce wouldn’t be at the manor to invite Dick. Bruce could be a hard person for Dick to be around on a good day. And since lately, there are no good days. It was definitely for the best.

"Hey it's time for patrol.” Jason said looking at his watch. “Bet I can make it to the cave before you losers." Jay sounded happy with just a hint of smug.

"Tsk. There's no way a weakling like yourself could ever out pace me Todd."

"Really? You're on." In a blink of an eye the three boys took off running.

"Master Dick, aren't you going to chase after them?"

"Nah Alfe. I already know I can beat them. No need to bruise their egos."

"Not in this state you could" the whispering continued.

"I said shut up!" His headache suddenly spiked.

"'Master Dick, are you alright?" his grandfather's voices was deep in concern.

"Aces."

This was the hard part. It's time to put on the performance of his life. "Hey Alf, I have a favor to ask."

"Anything Master Dick."

"Could you refit my Nightwing suit to fit Tim?

Surprise flashed across the old man's face and then was quickly covered. "Of course. Are you choosing a new identity?"

"Something like that" his voice trailed off.

When it picked up again Dick settled on these words, "Thank you. For everything." Dick wrapped his arms around his grandfather, surprising him twice in a row and gently squeeze.

When Dick broke away he went upstairs to his room and took the Flying Graysons poster off his wall and placed it gentry on Jason's bed with his R-Cycle (later refitted to the Wing-Cycle) keys and a note that read "Oh, dry the glistening tear that dues that marshal cheek. Thy loving childern here in them thy comfort seek. With sympathetic care their arms around the creep, For oh they can not bear to see their father weep."

Next he placed a note on Tim and Damian's bed. Turned heal and made his way out to his car. It was almost a quick escape too, except for the fact Damian caught him 5 feet before he made it to the safety of his car.

"You're leaving." His voice was accusatory.

"Yeah, you know how Blüd gets this time of night."

"You're a lier."

"Nothing gets past you does it my little Robin?" Dick rand his fingers down Damian’s face and hugged the closest thing he'd had to a son, choking the tears down his throat.

"I love you so much never forget that." Damian smelled like sandalwood and chamomile. Dick pressed his lips to Damian's forehead and for just a moment couldn't hold back the dam of feelings. Then pulling himself together and said, "go get ready with your brothers. You know Jason will leave you here given the chance."

Then he opened the car door and got in. Seatbelt on, put the keys in the ignition, the car in reverse, and drove away from his family. Feeling too in cowardly to offer them a last goodbye.

Chapter Text

Calm me down, before I sleep.
Cause I don't know, where I've just been.

Dick drives through Pennsylvania landing at a gas station in Ohio.

"Hey, can I have the key to the bathroom?"

The attendant looks up from his phone. "Bathrooms for customers only."

Geez, someone is feeling grouchy today.

"Take it. Slam his face into the counter and take what you want."

"We aren't hurting him," Dick replies grumbling.

"You know what man, here take it."

Shit. He said that out loud didn't he. "Thank you." Dick took the key tied to a foot of PVC from the man.

The bathroom was filthy as gas station bathrooms tend to go. Dick took out a pocket knife, two alcohol swatches, a pair of tweezers, and a sewing kit from his bag and placed it on the sink. He sanitized his arm, the tweezers, the needle, and the knife and made an incision about half an inch long on a little patch of fat near his left armpit, used the tweezers to dig out a tracker and sew the cut.

"Damn Bruce and his trust issues." The voices we're in unison: the demon and Dick's. That's terrifying.

Dick washed the tracker, tossed the key at the very rude employee, and headed back to his car.

In his car, he put the tracker in the glove box and headed off to his next destination. The airport.

Getting within walking distance to the Ohio international airport Dick found someone living in a tent.

"Hey," he called.

A woman came out looking haggled. "What do you want. This is state property I have a right to be here. I've had enough with you lot all high and mighty coming to harass me."

"Ma'am you have it wrong. I didn't come here to harass you. I came here to help you if you'd like. I'd like to give you my car."

"What?" She exclaimed. "Now you've gone too far. Just leave me alone." disbelief and defeat clear in her voice.

"No. I'm serious. Here take it." He pulled out his keys and pressed them into her hand. "The title paperwork is on the passenger side seat."

"Thank you, sir! Thank you." She grabbed and hugged him tightly, crying tears of joy into his shirt.

It was nice to still help people while he can. Besides what was he going to do with a car? The dead don't drive.

Dick broke free and grabbed his bag. "Take care of yourself."

He started off towards the airport.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes. I would like to buy a ticket to Berlin. My name is Dick Grayson."

"We have a flight leaving in 2 hours."

"Yes. Please book me on that one." Dive pulled out his ID and debit card handing them to the attendant.

"May I check your bag."

"Yes. Thank you." Dick handed the duffel bag over to be weighed and ticketed.

Then he turned around, left the terminal, and shouted "taxi."

Dick had the driver take him to a smaller airport about 40 miles from the international airfield. He paid the pilot in cash and took off towards his true destination- an old haunt on the coast of Northern California.

The haunt was a beach house on the cliffs. The code was the same as it had been in his teenage years.

He let himself in and crashed on the couch. When he woke, Slade Wilson was standing over him. "Kid."

Barely lifting his head from the couch Dick responded dryly, "Slade."

"What are you doing here."

"Napping. What are you doing here?"

"It's my safe house. What are you doing here." apparently Slade was not in a fun mood today.

"I know you're old, not senile, keep up. I'm napping."

Slade pinched the bridge of his nose. He was wearing a black cargo jacket with a crocodile green crew neck, black jeans, and steel toe black boots. When Dick actually bothered to take a look at Slade he noticed a 45 desert eagle in his left hand. "I can see that. I suppose I need to be clearer. Why are you napping at my safe house?"

"I felt like it. If you had a problem you should have changed the code or something."

"Go home, Grayson. You look like crap."

He supposes it's true, even he can see that his body has seen better days. He's lost weight, the demon bitch is eating him from the inside out.

"Can't." he answered firmly, "And can you shut the door. You're letting the draft in and it's freezing in here."

"It's 78 degrees in here." Slade approached his body and put his hand on Dick's forehead. "And you're burning up. Did you get poisoned or something?"

Weakly Dick replies, "Mm Something."

"Expand."

Sleeply Dick voice responded, "later. going back to sleep now."

When Dick's eyes sandbagged his mind drifted to a remix his greatest hits.

************

Brain matter and blood splattered against the wall. Suddenly the air was too thick to breathe. He needed out.

The roof.

He needed to get to the roof.

Taking the stairs two, three at a time. Reaching the top he shoved the door open. His heart budump budump budump.

His head is spinny. He needs to sit down.

Budump. Budump.

Budump. Budump.

Then he's being touched. Catalina's hand is on his shoulder.

Words stutter out without meaning "I. We k-k-illed him."

The rain splatters down like blood from Blockbuster's head.

"Quite, Mi Amor Callado." She pushes his shoulder firmly and he falls against the cement.

"Poison. Everyone around me dies. Y-you should stay away, I'm poison."

She slides her hand up under his chest piece, her fingers dance until she finds the release to the catch piece to his cuisses. Then she is slipping her hand in his pants and Dick goes to the furthest hollowest corners of his mind. He stays there for long after she's finished and gone. The water from the rain pools around his shell and it's freezing. It's so cold he's numb in mind and body.

************

The rooftop changes and now he's in Gotham.

His face stings and he is on the ground. Jason is yelling at him "I went to your funeral. I went to your damn funeral. I don't care what the Bats tell you. You don't do that to your b-" He pauses and starts again quieter this time, "You don't do that to another Robin."

"Jay. Tim. You don't-"

Tim interrupts his voice cold "We all die. We are all going to die. We have to its part of it. But you didn't die, you just lied." The tail of his sentence is caked in hurt.

You don't understand. He wants to beg with them. Please. I didn't have a choice. Bruce had his funeral the day he woke up, as far as they knew he was already dead. He just wanted to go home with them.

Tim continues, "Remember when Bruce lied to us about the Joker? The reason we didn't fall apart after that, the reason we stayed together. It's because we knew, even if Batman lies to us. We wouldn't lie to each other."

Jason's voice starts again, "And we hate you for this. You let me die. You let Damian die. What are you such an egomaniac that you needed to attention?"

Tim trades off, "You can't do anything right. You're a failure. You can't even die right. Everyone around you dies and you have the audacity to live. You aren't poison. You're a parasite. Feeding off the youth and vitality of everyone around you. No wonder Bruce never adopted you. He must have known what a burdon you are."

Then he's not on a roof but in a building. He's cradling the broken body of a boy he promised to protect.

"Gray-son" he coughed blood leaking out his mouth "give up."

"Damian I am so sorry. Please stay with me." With one arm he is cradling Damian and using the other hand to try and stop the bleeding from the hole in his Robin's chest.

"You can't protect me. Grayson. You can't protect any of them. Give up."

"I- you, you aren't him. This isn't how this happened."

His voice barks, "Aërial. Show yourself."

He sets not Damain's body down and yells, "Demon you answer to my will, I demand you show yourself."

The ashy woman appeared.

Anger burned hot like hellfire "You fucking bitch."

She cast a wicked smile. "So close."

"You know this is your fault. You let everyone down. You get everyone killed."

Damian's dead body reanimated itself. Stood up and faced Dick but it wasn't his voice when he began to speak. It was young Jason's.

"Hey, Dick. I uh think I might have gotten in over my head this time. B and I were in Switzerland and we got separated. I'll send you my coordinates and maybe we can link up."

"Hey, Dick. I have a question for you. How many dead Robins does it take for you to realize that you're a threat to public safety? Your legacy is tragedy. With you in the driver's seat, you got your so-called family killed. Give up. Give in. I promise your family's safety, which frankly is more than you can." 

All the anger and pain boiled up to the surface and he charged at the demon screaming, tackling it to the ground, and started hitting.

"KID."

The screaming didn't stop but at some point, Dick realized he wasn't in his head. He was on Slade Wilson's couch. That Slade Wilson was holding him in a seat belt hold. And it was in fact him screaming. He needs to stop screaming.

"You awake now?" Slade asks.

"Yeah."

Slade lets go. "Get up."

Too tired to fight he stands up and follows Slade to his kitchen.

"Sit at the table." Slade's voice leaves no room for questions. "Here, drink this."

Slade hands him a glass of water.

Dick watches in silence as Slade goes to his cabinet and gets out two sealed white plastic containers, a can of apple sauce, baking soda, and a carton of shelf-stable almond milk. He gets out a bowl, starts measuring ingredients, and mixing. Then he pulls out an electric griddle and pours the mixture on the hot metal press. While the viscous liquid was cooking, Slade takes out a wisk and mixes some of the almond milk, baking soda, and white powder into a creamy froth.

When the griddle was done, Slade plated the substance and topped it off with the white topping, passing it to Dick. "Eat."

Dick looks at the food with confusion, "You made me waffles?"

"Yes. Now eat, then we'll talk."

Chapter Text

I'm so sick of me, wake up and hate to breathe
And I pride myself in that, so dramatic, I'll admit
I'm so typical, my life ain't difficult
But I'm so caught up in it, just a lowlife, I'll admit

Jason knew something was up with Dick. He just didn't know what. It started when he "died" or maybe it was earlier. Maybe it was when Demon Spawn died. No, it was before then, it started when he and Barbra suddenly broke up for the last time.

Fuck. This has been going on for longer than he realized.

When Babs and Dickface broke up he started retreated into himself and wasn't as physical as he used to be. Before he was always hanging off him, Tim, and Damian. Touch was constant, warm, and freely offered like no one he ever knew, then and now. After the break up it was distant- not cold, but not nearly as warm and free as it once was.

Then his kid died in his arms. Jason doesn't give a fuck what Bruce or biology has to say about it. Damian al Ghoul-Wayne is in name only, he is and will always be Damian Grayson in soul. Jason knows death messes your head up, probably better than most, but he has no idea what it was like to lose a whole piece of yourself through your fingers and still be conscious of the absence.

Then he faked his death which is just so... out of character. Jason knows Damian's death shattered Dick's spirit. He heard from the low-lives of Gotham all about the blue-themed hero of Blüdhaven that was trying to get himself killed the hard way. And he should have check-in, truly he meant to, but then Outsider business kicked up in full gear and he put Dick on the back-burner. He should have been fine. Dick Grayson has always been fine- that is just who he is. But Jason was wrong. Dick wasn't fine. He was falling and in Grayson tradition, no one noticed till their bodies went splat.

Then he came back and he wasn't dead. And Jason-Jason could have handled it better. Relief, joy, comfort is what he should have focused on. But he didn't, he got stuck on months of sadness and loneliness which made him pissed. He believed that him and Tim were the only ones left standing. The last of the Robin "bloodline." And Dick fucking knew better. He knew what it was like when Damian died and he pretended to put that on him and Tim too. Which is, cruel.

It's been two weeks since Dick dragged himself to the manner and did the most peculiar thing. He was late, he shrunk into himself, he barely ate anything, and he left early. Maybe it was time for Jason to drive down to Blud and pay a visit to his big brother.

The drive is technically 45 minutes but Jason and his bike make it in 25. Speed limits are just suggestions anyway and his bike is really fast. While driving Jason thinks back to his childhood when Dick was teaching him how to ride. Tim is a slowpoke and uptight anytime the boys go for a ride, but Dick has a need for speed, which Jason might have inherited. When Jason thinks about it, he can kinda get why Dick likes it. In one way, flying down the road on a motorcycle is kind of like flying down the edge of a skyscraper- fast, dangerous, free.

Jason never understands why Goldie chooses to live in this shit shack. His building is the definition of slum. The exterior buzzer lock is always busted and the elevator is perpetually out of service. The stairs smell like urine, the walls have cracks, someone is almost always fighting very loudly and publically with their intimate partner. All in all, it's disgusting.

And Goldie has access to daddy's money, so he could move out whenever he wants. But no, Dick chose this cockroach-infested rotting health code violation to call home.

Beginning his trek up the stairs Jason suddenly felt pissed. Someone urinated in the staircase and reeked. First Dick starts acting sketchy, then he leaves Jason a cryptic note, and now he has to go see what shenanigans his dumb-ass older brother got himself into this time.

Jason thought back to the note he found in his room a couple days ago, "Thy loving children here in them thy comfort seek. With sympathetic care, their arms around the creep, For oh they can not bear to see their father weep." It's a W.S. Gilbert quote from The Pirates of Penzance, the only play Jason ever auditioned for.

Then the note went on to say that Dick loved him. That he was proud of him. That Dick never cared that he killed people and always considered him to be his brother. He trusted Jason's word when he says he only hurts people who deserve it. He trusts Jason. Dick even gave him the keys to his baby- the R-cycle or whatever the hell he renamed it to. If Jason didn't know any better it sounded like goodbye. But he did. Dick just got back, he wouldn't leave them again.

Jason put his key in the lock, turned the knob, and walked in.

The apartment had no lights on so Jason had to feel around for the switch. "Dick, you home?"

Hearing no response and finally finding the plastic switch he flipped the lights, unprepared for what awaited him.

There were a series of cardboard boxes varying in size each with different names on them Jason lifted a finger to his ear where the comm always sat.

"Oracle come in."

"Oracle speaking, this line is secure."

"I need you to find Dick. Now."

"What's going on?"

"He's been acting strange lately and all his stuff is sectioned off in boxes. I'm worried he did something stupid."

"This isn't good."

His heart pounded in his chest panic setting in, "What Babara?"

"His tracker is dead. It's powered by thermal energy, as long as it's in a warm body it should still have power."

"Where did it go offline?"

"At 731 Mockingbird, Kazoo Ohio."

"The fuck is he doing in Ohio?"

"I don't know but it looks like it's a family-owned gas station."

"Well Velma, it looks like we have a mystery on our hands."

Detective work. He can do this.

Step 1: find someone else to do this, he's way over his head. Scratch that. Self-confidence Jason.

Step 1: Find out why the signal went dead in Ohio.

Honestly, a part of Jason wants to tear open every box. Every damn thing until he understands. Understands his brother, understands the hell is happening. The smarter part of Jason knows he can't handle that right now. He feels possibly, maybe, unadmittedly, scared out of his mind with worry. He's seen too many friends throw themselves into unwinnable fights against giant lizard people. And no matter how hard he tries, Jason knows Dick's been touched by the darkness. He just would rather die again than face the fact he seen Dick's mask slip for a few moments at a time and it terrifies him. So Jason plays along with Dick's happy-go-lucky-everything-is-always-fine because its so much easier than facing the fact his idol is human too. Just as damaged as everyone else on this forsaken spinning rock.

Jason just can't with the boxes tonight. Instead, he locks Dick's door and tries to make his escape from this health code violation.

Before he can make it to the stairwell, Jason's phone rang out.

"What?"

"Jason, I need your help." Tim's voice sounded distressed.

"I'm kinda busy working on something, what's the priority level you need me on this?"

"10. This is a DEFCON 1. A crisis."

Jason smoothed out his voice, "Okay Tim. What's going on?"

"We- we need to find Dick."

"No shit! What do you think I was working on."

"He-" Tim started choking over the phone.

"He what!"

Tim became even more hysterical.

Fuck his life. "Tim. I need you to calm down and tell me what he did."

They need Dick, he needs Dick. Jason- he was never good with this feely shit.

Jason thought back to his time with the All Cast, okay breath. Tim needs you now.

"Alright, Tim. I want you to close your eyes. Listen to the sound of my voice. Hear my voice. I want you to keep your eyes closed and put a hand over your heart. Together we are going to breathe, okay?"

Weakly he got a reply, "okay."

"In we are taking a deep breath in, and out. In and out. Steady and dependant like the tide. In and out."

"When you are ready lower your hand, then open your eyes. Continue your breathing. In and out."

Jason started walking out of his brother's cockroach motel- he meant Dick's apartment.

"In and out. You let me know when you are with me."

Jason made his way back to his bike.

"Jason, Dick gave me his suit. He- he gave me Nightwing." Tim started weeping again.

His heart started pounding in his head. Green started fogging his vision Time to take his own advice. Like the tide, in and out.

In and out.

"Okay, Tim here's what we are going to do. You are going to go take a nap. At least three hours of sleep and eat- real people food, not coffee. Then you are going to start backtracking Dick's movements. I have a bead I am going to check out. I'll- I'll call you tomorrow."

Jason hung up and threw his phone against the cement. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckk.

Jason swipes his phone off the pavement, roughly throws his helmet on, and speeds off towards fucking Ohio.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, shit kid. You really don't know how to quit when you're ahead do you?"

"Sorry. Self-preservation isn't something they teach you at Batman's Academy For Child Soldiers." Dick quickly covered his mouth with his hand. He hadn't meant to say that.

Slade had patiently listened to Dick explain the whole story. The soul-consuming demoness that is trapped in basically a Flesh Acheron. That she was basically torturing him into letting her out, which he can't do because then she'd end the world. And that he was a part of some ancient bloodline that gave his body the power to hold and end her. The only downside, they destroy each other. Fire and water, until there's nothing left of either of them.

"Why are you here Grayson and not with your family?"

Dick smiled an empty hallow smile. "Simple. They would try to save me."

"And that's a bad thing because?"

"They can't. They would set her free, thinking there's another way. There isn't."

"And you came to my safe house because?"

Dick knows what he is going to say next is manipulative, does he care? No, not really. Slade is an asshole, but he lives by an honor code.

"Even simpler Master. One final contract, Dick Grayson must die."

Chapter Text

Every morning I ride on a carousel
To the sides in my mind that I cannot help
Had to die in heaven just to get to hell

"No."

"No?" Dick repeated incredulously.

"No, and I'm calling one of your brothers, kid."

Dick started to burn in anger, "No you aren't, and you fucking owe me, Slade. You owe me for Joey. If you aren't going to help me then just fuck off and stay out of my way."

"How many times do we need to go over this Grayson. You do not always need to make the sacrifice play. It's a stupid move and I thought I taught you better."

"This is the only play. I came here because I thought you wouldn't waste what little time I have left with fantasies. I was always supposed to die. I was supposed to die with my parents when I was 8. I was supposed to die when I was 17 and decided to see how high I could get on the Golden. I did die when Luther snuffed me out. The only difference is its actually going to stick now."

Dick stood up and took his plate to the sink, "Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go take a walk on the beach and you aren't going to call a soul. Capeesh?"

Dick didn't turn back to see Slade's face, he knew the old man well enough to know that ultimately he was safe here. That and there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that he would get Deathstroke the Terminator to say capeesh.

Dick slid on some black flip-flops and began his short walk to the waves. It is frankly too cold to actually let the water touch you, but it is still a comfort to get up as close as you can.

It was appreciated that Slade never called Bruce his father and whenever Dick was in over his head and Wilson got involved, he never clued Bruce in. And even if it means explaining to Wally how he ended up unconscious, handcuffed to the door of Wally's dorm, with a note taped on his chest reading "I need therapy, not superheroics." It was worth it for Bruce not to insert himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ohio was a dead fucking end.

It seems that Dick went there to disappear and Jason is pissed that Dick can do it so well. To the world, Dick Grayson booked a flight last week to Berlin. To Jason, though it was a load of crap, he hacked the security cameras over the gate where his flight should have landed. He never gets off. The gas station had the most grainy black and white footage, all that could really be made out was a mop of black hair.

He calls Tim. "Hey, my lead went cold. I am going to go take another look around his apartment and I'll call you back."

When Jason finds Dick, he is going to bill him for the miles he just put on his bike and the massage he's going to need 13-hour drive he just took for nothing.

Back at the health code violation, Dick called home, there was a gorgeous tall woman with black hair and olive skin yelling at his door.

"Dick if you don't open this door in the next 30 seconds I am breaking it."

"He's not there. Who are you?" Jason barked.

"I'm Donna and you are...?"

"Jason, his brother." Jason's tone is defensive and short.

"Ah, Red Hood, that makes sense. The hair should have given it away."

Jason whips a gun out from under his leather pointing it at Donna's knee. "And you know that how?" he demands.

Donna smiles a you-are-being-super-stupid-smile at him (the kind Tim gives him all the time) and points at herself, "Troya."

Jason lowers his weapon and reholsters it. "I'm sorry it's been a really long couple of days, would you like to come in. I have a key. I am sure Dick will appreciate minimal property damage."

"Yeah, thanks. You said he wasn't here. Where is he? I need to talk to him and it's critical I see him immediately."

Jason takes the key out of his pocket, a long deep breath, puts it in the lock, swings the door open, flicks the light on, and shows Donna the neatly packed boxes in all their glory. "We don't know. That's what we've been trying to figure out.

"Di immortales, that self-destructive dumbass. I told him to sit tight. I told him I would handle this and all he would need to do is stay here and do nothing while I fix this. This is so bad."

Donna pulled out her phone and started typing something.

"Okay, since this is an all-hands on deck situation I'm going to go liberate his bourbon from his cabinet. Why don't you go sit down and I'll start explaining."

"Dick doesn't really drink are you sure he has anything here?"

"Dick doesn't drink and pegasi don't fly." Donna walked up to a wooden panel, knocking against the boards until she heard a hollow sound.

"Ha!" she shouted in victory. She pressed her palm flat against the wood and pressed until it popped and slid down revealing enough liquor to staff a bar. She reached in and grabbed two glasses and some BCS Line 15.

Jason looked shocked.

Donna handed him a glass and started filling hers. "Don't feel bad you didn't know. Dick likes hiding the parts he doesn't like about himself, which sadly is a significant portion of who he is."

Jason poured himself a hefty pour, downed it like a shot, and refilled his glass. "What else don't I know about him."

"Oh, honey. Where to begin?"

"How about where the fuck is he? Well start there, find him, and he can explain this shit to me himself."

"I don't know where he is. Like I said, he was supposed to sit on the couch, eat bonbons, and watch Netflix until I got back. Right now he is kind of possessed by a demon and I don't know if he's missing because of her or his usual less literal demons."

"Meaning what Troy. I not in the mood for games."

"I don't know how to say this gently," her voice was soft and full of empaty.

"So Dick can be a danger to himself."

"We are vigilantes trained by some of the most intense people out there. We are all dangerous."

"No, not like that."

She pauses for a moment, takes another sip, and tries again. "So when Dick was 19 he tried to go diving off the WE building without a line. Ask him and he can tell you with scary accuracy which buildings are the tallest, have easy roof access, and pretty scenic views for any city he's ever lived in. I've gone with him to get his stomach pumped."

"Oh."

"It was the worst when we were Titians. A lot of bad shit happened. Basically from the time Dick got home from patrol with a grazed arm and was kicked out to well, now I guess. Has been one trauma after another, especially for Dick."

"Dick got kicked out?"

"Mmh. Guess you two have that in common. Though when Bruce did it to Dick it was out of costume. That is why he was so- uh- frosty when he first met you. Bruce stole Robin from him claiming it was too dangerous, for him a 16-year-old with years of training and experience, and gave it to you, a 14-year-old kid fresh off the streets. It was never about you- you, it was always about Bruce and he took it out on you."

"Still shity but I can't say I would act any different."

"As I heard it, when you found out that you had been replaced you tried to kill Tim. When Dick found out he was replaced he said some mean things to you and came back to Jump to sulk."

"Touché."

Donna's phone dinged. She grabs it and reads the screen. "Wally, Garth, and Roy haven't seen him. Wally is searching his usual spots and Roy is looking for a sitter for Lian."

"I can get Tim to hack into his files and see what Dick has been up to lately. See if that offers any clues."

"There's no need. Tell Dick about this and you're dead, but we kinda had Cyborg build a back door into his network specifically because he is known for doing shady shit like this. What would be more useful is if you could have Tim hack into Bruce's network and see what is there."

"Why?"

"Because I don't trust that man as far as a civilian could throw him."

"I mean, fair."

Chapter Text

I'm 11 minutes away and I have missed you all-day
I'm 11 minutes away, so why aren't you here?

Sand crunches under Dick's flip-flops. The beach is always a calming place even if he could never go see it as a kid.

Dick thinks back to Joey, sweet, kind Joey.

He loved the beach too. In Jump, they would sneak away together to watch the pod of dolphins.

There was a day when they had snuck off together. They went to Big Belly Burgers and then the beach. They fought seagulls for their lunch and got sand between their toes. They shared a beach towel.

Joey's fingers danced across his chest with sunscreen. Dick booped sunscreen on his boyfriend's nose. They laughed. Joey told Dick that he loved him.

Joey rubbed his thumb over the angry white marks that marred his body. Dick normally hid such imperfections, but here under the California sun and Joey's watchful eye, he didn't feel damaged like his scars were hideous failings. Joey made him feel like it was just one piece of his past. Joey made him feel worthy.

"Here," Joey said gently and took Dick's hand pulling him to the feet and leading him to the water. They got about waist deep and Joey kissed him.

The Pacific was cold and the boy's bodies together were so warm. The kiss was slow and gentle and Joey's arms wrapped around Dick's body and he imagined for just a moment, that there were no Titans, no supervillains, no Bruce, no Slade, no Rose, no civilians, no one but him and Joey.

He opens his eyes slowly and Joey looks at him and smiles. His thumb traced Dick's cheek. Joey used his powers and the dolphins responded. The pod came closer and started to play with both of them.

They played for a few hours before the dolphins and the boys had to go their separate ways.

When they left the water, they toweled off and watched the sun dip into the ocean. Dick rests his head on his boyfriend's shoulder whispering "I love you too" into Joey's ear.

In the present moment, Dick cries salty tears like the water he watches. A ghost touches his face, the memory of when Dick was happy.

Joey didn't deserve to die like he did. And gods, Dick would do anything to go back to that moment and take his place.

Maybe HIVE was looking for Joesph Wilson son of Deathstroke or maybe they were looking for Jericho, Titan extraordinar. Dick never found out. The only thing he learned after Joey died is what the men who killed him's insides looked like.

He didn't regret it. Not even for a second. Teaming up with Deathstroke, becoming his apprentice to avenge his love was worth every second of it when he got to snuff HIVE out like they snuffed out his innocent boyfriend. They hurt him and for what- knowledge? Because they could?

That's what Bruce never understood about Dick. Sometimes people deserve to die, if by his hand so be it. When he killed the Joker, he freaked out because he did it in front of Bruce- a man who is not known for moral complexity or nuance and had already kicked him out twice. He wished Bruce would have let his ego go for 9 minutes and let the bastard finish his descent into hell.

Dick has loved a lot of people in his life, but he doesn't think he ever has or ever will again love anyone the way he loves Joey or be loved the way Joey loved him.

Again Dick's mind went to the past, but this time he wasn't controlling it.

It was a sunny California day, but it's California so they are all pretty much sunny. It's so different than Gotham, a city that the sun never shines its face on.

Joey and he were walking back to the tower from an ice cream place they both adored.

"Do you ever think about leaving the life?" Joey asked

"Sometimes." Dick answered back, and it was the truth. Lately, he'd been thinking about it more and more. The Titans were finally in a place where he didn't need to be there 24/7 trying to get them off the ground. "If I did would you come?"

"I would follow you anywhere. We could go be cottage core lesbians in the middle of nowhere. Save up our money and travel. Italy, Japan, South Africa- we could see the world for once instead of always having to save it."

"We could run away and elope. Tell no one, leave both our idiot fathers in the dark." Dick replied back daydreaming about flying coach to places he'd never been. Remembering his parents by honoring their Traving lifestyle. "I'd love to go back to my mother's homeland. Learn more about her."

They were about 2 blocks from the tower when a black van pulled up onto the sidewalk, men came rushing out and Dick and Joey tried fighting but there were an overwhelming amount of aggressors. One hit Dick in the back of the head, hard. Spots started swimming behind his eyes. The men swarmed Joey like angry wasps. They collared him. A man was behind him and a man was on each arm forcing him into the van. Dick was dragged into the van too, but he didn't know who. He only could see black holes and swirly light. Joey desperately tried signing at him but his brain didn't know what the gestures meant, his brain only knew swirls and apparently the cool van floor. The swirls got bigger and bigger until there were only swirls and unconsciousness.

He woke up being electrocuted as silently begged them to stop. It hurt, but Dick could tell he was also drugged because the world wasn't in focus like it should.

They kept asking Dick questions about Joey, and Dick kept laughing. He realized that their captors must not have factored in the fact Joey can't speak with sound when they took him so that's why they are asking him.

Joey silently cried, it was terrible. Dick knew Joey was crying because Dick was being hurt by these people and Dick wanted to tell Joey that this wasn't even the top 5 times he'd been tortured. But then Dick with his cotton candy brain thought that wouldn't be comforting to Joey the way he wants it to. Dick thought if you wanted to torture someone, maybe don't get them high on whatever he was high on right now. Because sure it still hurt, but honestly, it was way too funny to be a concern.

Later Dick would find out that his reaction was unusual. They dosed him with Devil's Lace which should have lowered his inhibitions enough to work like truth serum and force him to answer. But be it genetics, a tolerance from fighting Scarcrow before he was in high school, or some gift from Ivy, it got him super high instead. Apparently, they started with the Devil's Lace and then moved on to torturing him in the time Dick doesn't remember.

Also in the later, Dick found out that they had tortured him for weeks. They cut into his skin, they whipped him, they waterboarded him, they electrocuted him, they tried all the ways they could think of to get Dick to talk and he wouldn't. Dick doesn't remember this of course, he doesn't know why and never bothered to find out.

In the later, later times, he also learns that they shot him up with gods knows what and gods know how many times. When they finally conceded that he wasn't going to tell him anything about anyone, they decided that he would be a good test subject for gods knows what. Still to this day he has no idea what they did or if it has any long-term effects.

He does remember that when they hurt him, they always made Joey watch, which was probably the worst part. They hurt Joey too. Dick remembers that. They shoved needles in his spine and bones to collect the matter that was inside. They cut strips of his skin and muscles away to study them. They said when they were done learning what they could from him being alive, they would cut into his brain and then study his insides. Anytime they would touch Dick he wished they hurt him instead. He remembers that much.

One day, it was different from the rest. The guards were shouting and running. Dick knew with perfect clarity that their base was under attack and this was their time to escape.

Dick pulled himself onto wobbly noodles he called legs. He had pocketed a guard's ID key a few days ago and was just biding his time until he and Joey could jailbreak for freedom.

He wobbled over to Joey. The people hadn't bothered restraining him since however long. He was generally too weak to roll himself over let alone fight them.

But he'd been saving his strength for a special occasion.

He swiped the key into the contraption that held Joey. It looked like the torture table from Star Wars. Joey fell on top of him. They waddled like Emperor Penguins, leaning into each other trying to help the other hold their weight.

They walked down the empty halls with red flashing. They walked until they saw a door that lead to sun. Bright sunny California. They made it through the doors a few feet into the corridor then

BANG.

A guard shot poor collared broken bodied sweet Joey in the back.

Someone else attacked the guard, in the later Dick was told it was Rose. She had been the one to first notice their disappearance and hunt their captors to some cult-run "medical facility" in Filmore. She led the Titans on this rescue mission. It was her plan to have the heavy hitters attack the front entrance drawing the guards and their fire, while she snuck in through the back and liberated Dick and Joey. Too bad she wasn't fast enough. Too bad she didn't draw all the guards.

Dick screamed.

He held Joey's crumbled bleeding dying body and screamed.

He screamed to High Heaven. He screamed to hell below. He screamed to the gods watching their plight. He screamed to anyone that would listen. He screamed until oblivion.

A cruel feminine voice whispered in his head, "this is what happens when you love people. Isn't Dick. You get them killed."

Dick felt cold, the cold burned his lungs, suffocating and he didn't care.

Briefly, he wondered if this is what everyone who has ever loved him felt right before they died.

Chapter Text

She dreamed she'd go to California

There everyone would adore her

And all her mates will call her 'Til four in the morning

Is there any life on Mars?

Is there any life on Mars?

Dick coughs, his lungs burn deep in his belly.

His back was under the sand, it was cool now. His hair is wet.

"You with me now kid?" Slade's gruff voice is over him.

Dicks vision swims, "I think so."

Slowly he sits up. Slade's wet too. "Why are we wet?"

"What do you mean why are we wet? What's the last thing you remember?"

"I walked down here to clear my head. I was thinking about Joey, now I'm wet. You're here and wet too."

"Are you alright to walk?" Slade dodges explaining, and Dick sort of notices.

"Yeah, should be."

Standing invites the spinning, but it's easy to push through.

Slade keeps a brutal pace and kept looking back at Dick suspiciously.

When they make it back to the safehouse Dick asks again "why are we wet?"

"You seriously don't know? Kid, don't play games with me."

"If I knew I wouldn't be asking."

"You just tried to kill yourself, you are really lucky I went to go check on you since you'd been gone too long."

"What?"

"So you weren't trying to kill yourself right now? Cause I thought we had moved past that years ago."

"No, Slade I swear. I honest on high and just went for a walk. I started thinking about Joey and woke up coughing."

Slade did not look convinced and relented, "go get some dry clothes on. You look sick enough is."

Dick goes to take a hot shower to get some semblance of warmth back into his body. His eyes burn from tears and he guesses salt.

You are a fool little Saphia. So brave. For what.

_________________________________

Jason is learning he knows even less about his brother than he thought he did.

Apparently, Dick drinks like a sailor, has had multiple suicide attempts, and was thrown out by Bruce as a teen.

Tim shows up and Dicks shell of an apartment with his laptop and immediately gets to work. He moves some boxes in an attempt at a makeshift table. He looks over to the kitchen and seems to momentarily despair at the ghost of Dick's coffee machine.

"Give me like 20 minutes to get passed B's encryption. While I'm doing this someone needs to explain when the hell is going on."

Donna speaks up first, "So you remember that senior Titans mission a couple months ago?"

"Yes. It happened at the same time as Titans East had that mission to Atlantis."

"So, we sorta had to fight a demon and it possessed Dick."

"And he's been possessed for months."

"Yes."

"And no one thought this was pertinent information to share with anyone."

"The senior Titans knew about it. Dick last we knew had full control. Raven doesn't think she will be able to take control for more than a few minutes at a time. Dick was explicitly told to do nothing. To stay in his gods forsaken apartment while I fix this."

"Something is wrong with him." Tim insists.

"What makes you say that?" Donna's voice is full of concern for her spirit twin.

"He gave me Nightwing."

Donna starts cursing in Ancient Greek, and Jason has no idea what she's saying but her tone is full of bitter rage, and her face twists in concern.

She whips her phone out and starts dialing, "Wally, this is so much worse than we thought. Code Jericho. Tim and Jason can't find him either."

A loud fuck is heard through the phone, followed by I'll alert the others.

Donna's phone crushes in her hand like it was made of paper. "Di immortales deodamnatus!"

"Code Jericho?" Tim asks softly from his keyboard shield.

"Okay, so that one requires some explanation, but it essentially is OG Titian's code for 'Dick is being suicidality stupid again instead of going to therapy.'"

"But why Jericho?"

Donna's voice comes out shyly for the first time Jason has ever known the warrior princess. "I'm not sure that's for me to tell."

"Please Donna," Jason begs. Donna has shared so much point blank, he doesn't think he could stand not knowing. He's come so far in under covering his brother's shadow self. The things Dick never felt he could trust Jason with.

"Okay." Donna pauses, and starts again, "okay."

"Jericho is the love of Dick's life-"

Tim interrupts, "then how come we've never heard of him or met him? We are his brothers!"

This time it's Donna's turn to interrupt, "because he's dead. He's been dead for years now."

She pauses to collect herself. The room falls so silent you could hear a spider cross the ceiling.

When she starts again she notices she has Tim and Jason's pure undivided attention.

"Jericho Wilson-"

Tim gasps and Donna shoots an unimpressed annoyed look.

"Yes, Tim. As in the son of Deathstroke the Terminator, Slade Wilson."

"Anyway, Jericho was such a kind soul and Dick loved him with everything he had. Jericho was going to ask Dick to run to Canada with him and get married. They were going to leave the life and be happy together. Until one day, a group called the Evermores grabbed them in cives. They tortured and experimented on Dick and Joey for seven weeks and 3 days before we found them. We still to this day think Dick took the brunt of it, going off how their bodies were when we finally got to them. Dick was half dead, and Joey. Well, Joey didn't make it. It took hours to coax Dick into releasing Joey's corpse."

"Does Bruce know about this?" Sweet innocent Tim asks, with his wide doe eyes. Jason isn't sure if he wants to smack Tim upside the head or protect him from the cruelty in Donna's laughter.

"Don't think so. He didn't notice that Dick was gone for over a month and a half. Didn't notice what happened after either. But this is coming from the same man who gave CPR to that damn clown so it's clear that he doesn't care about Dick's feelings, safety, or frankly about Dick in general."

Tim asks "What happened next?" at the same time, Jason asks "Bruce did what with the Clown?"

"He spent the next three years paling around with fucking Deathstroke, that's what. I'm sure Bruce has tons of files about it. But never thought that Dick was hurting. After losing the love of his life, being tortured, then finding out his brother died, that maybe it was time to step up and be a dad. But no. Dick decided to go looking for that in Slade."

Jason's head is spinning.

"Donna, what do you mean he gave the Clown CPR?" Jason has to know.

Maybe she was referring to another clown. Another mission.

But no, this is Gotham, and Gotham is one cruel mistress. No one here makes reference to a clown without meaning Him.

"Jason, ἀγαπητέ, Dick strangled the Joker to death shortly after you died. It's a part of the reason we didn't go looking for him when he first disappeared after, we thought he was just laying low for a while and would eventually make his way back to the Tower. We thought he would trust us to protect him. We never thought he would go to Slade, choose Slade."

"Protect him from what," Jason demanded. His head is pulsating. What would the Titans have to protect Dick from?

"Jason, I think you know." Donna's voice was full of sympathy like honey tea to a sore throat.

"What Troy. What could Dick possibly need protection from?"

"Jason," Donna tries again. "When you tried to kill Cobble how did Bruce react? And you were in costume..."

Donna keeps talking, but for the first time in years, Jason can't see anything but green.

Chapter Text

And it hurts you, and it burns you

Learning everything ain't what it seems

That's the thing about these days

I need something to sew me up by the seams again

Like sweet heroine

Pulsing through my veins like you ain't a sin

When Jason resurfaces in his mind, he notices he suddenly feels a great calm. Like waking up with just the right about of sleep. Calm like he hasn't felt in years. Peace he hasn't known since he died.

When he resurfaces in his body, he notices he's on his knees on Dick's apartment's hardwood floors. His arms are bound behind his back with a rope, connecting tightly around his torso like a python. Troya's nails are digging into his shoulder forcing him down.

"Are you back now?" Troya, no Donna asks.

"Yeah. I'm good now Troy. Is Tim okay?"

"Yeah, Tim is fine. I managed to restrain you before you could do any damage besides some crushed boxes." Donna's voice sounds so normal and Jason loves her for it. In the past when this has happened people have always looked at him with such pity.

Not Donna though. She looks like this was a totally normal occurrence, and he could start to see why Dick always spoke so highly of her.

"Hey Donna"

"Yeah, Jason?"

"You think you could let me up?"

Donna sounds sheepish, "of course."

She immediately lets go and starts untying him.

"Hey, Donna, how did you get me back so fast? Last time this happened I blacked out for days," followed up immediately with a panicked, "it hasn't been days right."

"No. I uh, persuaded the pit to leave you alone."

"How?" Jason has tried to get the green to leave him alone for years.

Donna lifts the silver rope she had bound Jason in and meekly answers, "Diana's can compel the truth from people, mine can persuade people."

"Hm." Is all Jason has to add, and then after a very pregnant pause, he follows up with a "thank you."

Then Jason thinks about what led up to this, the barrage of information just learned about his brother.

"Hey, Donna."

Her voice is so soft and full of love. Motherly in a way. "Yes, Jason."

"I think I am going to take a walk. I don't know when I'll be back, but I need some air."

Jason goes out, practically runs down the stairs not even leaving time to think roach motel jokes to himself about Dick's living quarters. He makes it out the staircase, out the lobby that holds the perpetually broken elevator, and shoots outside.

Donna took the unconquerable anger, but suddenly he realizes all he feels behind it. Fear. He is so afraid for his brother.

Hurt. Did Dick not trust him to tell him anything of his life? That he was in so much pain every day of his life.

Guilt, he feels guilty for not noticing anything was amiss sooner.

But that's what Dick wanted, wasn't it? If Dick wanted him to know he would have told him.

Dick didn't even think it was important to tell him he wasn't straight. Then Jason thinks back to what Donna said at the beginning of this never-ending night, "Dick hides the parts of himself, he doesn't like, which is sadly, a significant part of who Dick is."

Was Dick ashamed of his sexuality?

Jason suddenly feels a significant wave of desperation crash into the wave of everything else he feels. He needs to find his brother.

________________________________

Slade decided to take a minute to review everything he knows about the current situation.

At 100 hours CEST, Slade was finishing up a contract in Berlin when an alarm went off for his Northern California safe house.

At 800 hours PST he arrived at his safe house expecting to see a Justice League trap or an unlucky squatter. Only to find the tiny body of his apprentice, sleeping on his couch.

Which Slade found to be odd. His little bird was very family orientated. That's why he originally broke off his tutelage.

More concerning, Grayson allowed Slade to get within a strangulation distance of his unconscious form and stand over him for 7 minutes and 37 seconds before waking.

Then when he did wake, he did not wake with the start of a soldier who has as many years of training as Grayson does. He wakes sleepily and goes back to sleep shortly after insulting Slade.

Slade watches over his sleeping apprentice and takes in his appearance. Grayson has lost all of his coloring and is muttering to himself as he dreams.

At 1400 hours PST, Slade hears blood-curdling screaming. He shoots up and pulls his side piece out scanning for danger. When he locates the sound, he discovers it's his little bird having a night terror.

At 1530 hours PST, Slade finds out that his apprentice came to the safe house to die in peace without the interference of his family.

Slade doesn't think he can handle this. He especially doesn't think he can do this by himself. He's already lost two sons and now he is going to lose a third.

What almost makes it worse is Dick trusts Slade more than his own family to respect his wishes and just an hour ago Dick tried to kill himself, just like the night DIck swore fealty to him and became his apprentice, his Renegade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slade was hunting for the Titan that was there when Joey died. When he was shot down like a dog.

Rose has already gutted the man who pulled the trigger, but Slade wanted to go after the man who allowed his boy to be there in the first place. A man who'd called himself Nightwing, when his son died.

Ra's owed him a favor and he cashed it in, getting the name of Nightwing, Dick Grayson.

A part of Slade felt bad for taking Bruce Wayne's last son, seeing as how Jason Todd had just died in a terrorist attack overseas. But Dick Grayson had just taken his last son, so did it matter.

Once he got to Gotham finding Dick was comically easy.

What Slade was not expecting was for him to be drunk nor holding a gun to his head, talking nonsense to himself.

"I d-did it J-ay. He's dead. He can't hurt anyone ver gan."

"Hey, Kid!" Slade speaks loudly trying to get the boy's attention.

And that's what he is, a child, like his Joey, was.

"Oh heeeey Joey's dad. Hve you com to kill me? Sves me the currage of hav'in do it self. Here." Dick hiccups and hands him a loaded revolver.

Slade decides in that moment that he isn't going to kill him. In fact, he's going to take him far away from the things here that so clearly hurt him. Slade grabs the kid's shoulder and steers him into the passenger seat of his car. Buckles him in and takes him to his safe house in Blud.

In the morning, Slade takes him to Waffle House and buys him breakfast. In a private booth on that day, Grayson explains that he just lost the love of his life, Joey- Slade didn't understand how serious they were until a year later, and Jason, his brother.

That the night before Dick was trying to join his son and Dick's brother in the afterlife. That he has nothing to live for. Slade gives him something to live for, hunting down every last cult member who took Joey away and making them pay.

Dick accepts.

He later finds out that his attempt to avenge his brother failed at his supposed father's hand. Slade wonders what kind of father allows his son's murder to go unanswered for.

Later, Slade would become convinced that Bruce Wayne was no father at all. He was a man-child cosplaying as a mammal and taking his trauma out on criminals, instead of dealing with his issues like a grown-up. Dick was adopted by Bruce as an extension of Bruce's wounded child, instead of for Dick. Jason was adopted because when Bruce lost control of Dick- through his own actions mind you- he found the nearest orphan to maintain his perception of control.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slade listens to Dick weep in the shower and decides he really can't do this by himself. He gets his phone out and dials a familiar number. The voice on the receiving end, answers clearly annoyed, "What dad?"

"How fast can you get to the NoCal house?"

"I don't know, 18 hours give or take. Why?"

"Because I need you here like yesterday."

"This better be important."

"Trust me, it is." Slade hangs up and proceeds to change into dryer clothes himself.