Archive of Our Own ^beta

schlatt was now trying dating apps. feeling everything out. he had no real experience in that territory, seeing as it was never really around as he grew up, and most relationships (or even flings and one night stands) were discovered in person. but now he hadn't had much time to commit to much of anything but work or toby.

he felt a longing in his chest, a deep emptiness that carson had once inhabited (still did in some capacity, despite everything that was endured) that now ached. he craved anything, even if he was scared as fuck of repeating history. the waves of both thoughts ebbed and flowed against one another. one week would be riddled with paranoia over the mere prospect of trying at a relationship again; the next he would feel empty and cold without the warmth of romance. the nightmares and flashbacks hadn't subsided yet, through over a year since the last "incident". maybe he just needed a push in the right direction. a push to normalcy.

toby had just started crawling within the month, so schlatt took this as a sign to push himself forward as well. he figured that the infant would be easier for connor to care for if schlatt had to go out on a date or something of the sort. he wasn’t sure why. whatever. toby was a fairly easy baby to care for; he was curious and occasionally caused problems, but was also clingy to his papa and uncle connie.

a morning after a work shift, schlatt bit the bullet. he got tinder, since it was the first and easiest option. he held toby to his chest, the baby sleeping soundly. usually he got a quick nap in before toby woke up after dawn, but he was overthinking like crazy and couldn't get his mind to settle unless he distracted himself.

the app was simple enough to sign up with. name, age, some pics. maybe education and career. he couldn't decide if he wanted j (what friends and family called him) or jay (how he was legally named). schlatt hardly took pictures of himself as is, so most of his profile was selfies from several months ago.

once he deemed it adequate, he did a check of his profile.

Jay
26
IT Security Specialist

"single father of one.
take me out for some drinks sometime.
virgo, if that matters."

it was fine. normal. could probably get some simple dates and mediocre sex. that's all he really asked for.

toby quietly stirred against schlatt. the father adjusted himself and his baby to be more comfortable. he set his phone down and decided to shut his eyes and relax for the time being.

connor was playing with toby. the two sat on the floor. connor pressed various buttons on a toy phone, each button reading off its corresponding number and playing a little jingle when the fat colorful pieces were pressed. toby flapped his arms with incoordination as his way of dancing to the little tinny songs that played. connor would giggle at the baby, making toby smile too.

schlatt sat at the cheap dining room table that was mostly there for looks rather than being used. he sipped at a deep black coffee, utterly exhausted down to his core. he could hardly sleep, between constantly caring for toby and the nightmares and flashbacks that plagued him at night. he couldn't even try to drift to sleep on his stomach without the ghosting of a body holding him down, grips against his neck and arms, the noises… he rubbed at his eyes harshly.

"i think i got a date this weekend," he finally spoke. like an admittance. connor had been wonderfully understanding through everything, but it still felt like a chore to use words with people, even the most minor of things.

connor perked up immediately. "really? that's great!" a beat went by. "what kind of date?"

schlatt almost rolled his eyes. "like, seeing a guy somewhere. i don't know. most likely a bar or club."

toby yelled when the toy wasn’t being played with. his tiny fingers fixated on the phone and connor gave it over without hassle. the infant banged the toy against the floor and babbled to himself. a few moments passed. connor gave a concerned look. "are you sure about this?"

he hated that look. the look that made him feel pathetic and weak. like, yeah, he went through a rough time, but now he's fine, carson's out doing whatever the fuck, and he can move on.

why did it feel like he couldn't?

he looked away and shrugged. "i think it'd be good for me."

"are you sure?"

"i-i mean i guess. positive reinforcement or some shit. have a good time." find someone nice. maybe they'd stick around, help become a stepparent to toby. he wouldn't need to worry he was burdening connor with helping with the baby. he could lie about carson being his dad, say it was some other dude, and not some loveless, drug-induced incident.

connor pushed his lips together. he didn’t believe schlatt; it was evident in the way he still had that worried look. “well…” he paused, seeming like he wanted to say something, but stopped himself. “i just want you to be… careful. for your own sake.”

“i’ll let you know if anything happens.” he mostly said it to soothe the other’s worries. it was an empty statement. schlatt knew he didn’t have the guts to admit to anything.

connor smiled softly, that turned to a playful smirk. “then… who’s the lucky person?”

schlatt leaned back a little in his chair and laughed through his nose. “some guy. name’s wilbur.” he finally sipped on the coffee. it was cold and tasted horrible.

“wilbur? is he from work or something?”

“mmm. no, uh… met him on tinder.”

“tinder?” connor looked genuinely surprised. “since when are you on tinder?”

“since, like… i dunno. a week or two?” he sipped again. “i wanted to try something new.”

“can’t imagine he’s in IT too.”

“nah, nah, he does music mixing. like, tuning how it sounds on that big ass table with knobs and dials.” schlatt spreads his arms to accentuate the size. he starts to smile a bit. “he seems smart and well-spoken.”

“well, i’m happy for you, man.”

wilbur was amazing.

schlatt and wilbur had decided to meet at a small bar downtown; it had a quiet and homely air, so the pair could actually interact without much distraction. schlatt was pleasantly surprised to see that wilbur had actually arrived early, already having a seat at the bar and tapping his fingers against the wood.

when schlatt approached and greeted him, wilbur opted to give a big hug with a cheerful greeting, taking him by surprise. he’d hardly been given any physical touch in the last year and a half he suddenly realized. it wasn’t unwelcome, he just never sought after it. but wilbur was large and warm, so schlatt reciprocated without a second thought.

once settled, wilbur opens on questioning schlatt’s drink preferences and what they should order. schlatt quips that he's a whiskey kind of guy, but is open to drinking anything. wilbur orders a bottle of the best whiskey the place has, and schlatt's heart is doing somersaults.

"i didn't know you were british…" schlatt murmurs out, expecting wilbur to not hear him, but the other laughs.

"damn. i must've forgot to mention that part," his laughter is hearty, makes schlatt feel whole, and contagious. "yeah. i grew up outside of london. decided to come to america since it's got better opportunities."

schlatt nods along while sipping at his glass of whiskey. he doesn't want to get too drunk, in case this date goes well and leads to sex. drunk sex is messy and not very fun.

wilbur is, seemingly, very social. he questions about schlatt's life in a way that shows he genuinely wants to know about schlatt. he can't remember the last time he had someone treat him with such care in trying to impress and understand him. schlatt had started the whole date airing on the side of caution, staying quiet and letting wilbur dominate conversation. after about an hour, he is fully engrossed and feeling comfortable.

"you have a kid, right?"

schlatt laughs airily. "yeah, a son. his name's toby." he takes a sip for the first time in awhile. "he's about 10 months old."

"wh- that's younger than i expected!" wilbur chuckles to himself. "not a bad thing, just… surprised."

schlatt raises his eyebrow. "how come?"

"i-i don't know, just… your life seems so- so put together for someone having to take care of a baby, i guess."

"it really isn't."

"the other parent isn't around? mother, father?"

schlatt dips his head down. "i'd rather not talk about him."

wilbur obliges and moves the conversation along.

it was a small bump, but, all in all, everything went along smoothly. even if the topic was uncomfortable, schlatt felt no ill will towards wilbur for simply asking questions. it would've been brought up sooner or later.

a few hours went by. schlatt and wilbur had barely touched their liquor much. they fell into conversations smoothly and talked about whatever simple things they wanted. what they did as careers, where they grew up, family back home, any assortment of funny or interesting stories. of course, schlatt wanted to get close to wilbur. he seemed like a genuinely good guy with no bad intentions for schlatt. but there was that itch, that nibble of paranoia that said it was a ploy. schlatt could recall those weeks, months after first meeting carson, how beautiful the honeymoon phase was. carson had seemed nice. he never really was.

wilbur laid a timid hand on schlatt's upper thigh. their first real touch after the initial hug earlier. it lit schlatt's nerves on fire; from anxiety or arousal, he couldn't tell. he knew what was coming.

schlatt glanced over at wilbur, who was giving him a warm smile. "would you- do you wanna come over to mine?"

his mind started screaming. everything in his feral, sex-deprived mind begged to finally get some action for the first time in many, many months. mixed in with the want was the urge of don't. he couldn't trust a stranger. he couldn't trust that wilbur was as reliable as he made himself seem.

what's the worst that can happen?

"...sure. i'd love to." schlatt smiles back. his heart is beating like a drum.

wilbur is visibly happy with the response, unable to contain his excitement. he slaps down some bills on to the bar, telling the bartender the change is tip. he offers up his hand to help schlatt from his seat, reminiscent of royalty. they walk out, hand in hand. wilbur insists to make their arms swing like teenagers. schlatt can tell his hands are sweating.

wilbur has a nice car. it's new-ish, kind of on the smaller side. it looks sleek with its silver exterior, compared to schlatt's bulky and rugged red car. wilbur opens the passenger side door like a true gentleman. when they're both inside, wilbur makes a little noise and turns to schlatt.

"you still down? if not, i'll drive you home. up to you." he's still smiling, but it's softer. he wants schlatt to feel comfortable, call the shots here.

schlatt closes his eyes for a moment. he feels like his whole body is trembling. his body is hitting some fight or flight response as flashbacks flip in the back of his mind. rage-filled blue eyes. being held down, slapped around, crying, begging. he needs this, he needs this.

he feels like he's a spectator in his own body when he reaches over the middle console to grab wilbur by the front of the shirt and begins a rough makeout session. wilbur is taken aback for a moment from the movement, but takes it as schlatt's eagerness. their mouths move with one another clumsily and dull. schlatt feels nothing.

everything pauses and schlatt is climbing over the console and plants himself on wilbur's lap. they're both running hands through each other's hair, touching their bodies. biting lips. sucking tongues. it feels awful. wilbur takes schlatt by the hips and rocks themselves together. his dick twitches with interest and his cunt burns with arousal. he feels sick. he wants to cry.

wilbur moves a hand on schlatt's jaw, moving down against his throat and then he's back in bed. a hand is holding a bruising grip against his neck, forcing him down, down, into the sheets, a forced entry into his body, he's crying and trying to yell but nothing will come out. his legs are thrashing and his hands are trying to force the pressure off his airway, but they just keep getting harder, rougher, a voice is snarling at him. "you fucking whore."

schlatt jumps and yelps, feeling terribly claustrophobic. his body can't go very far, and his ass lands against the steering wheel making the horn go off. he's panicking, hyperventilating. wilbur had removed his hands on schlatt's pull away and held them up, looking surprised and worried.

"are y-"

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry- i-i-i thought- i thought-" schlatt is trying to scramble away, kicking his way back to the passenger side. "it- i'm sorry, it's not- not your fault, i'm sorry."

"what-"

"i thought i-i was- i should've been fine, i-i-"

"wh-"

"i have to go." schlatt hates that his voice feels rough and his eyes burn behind their sockets like he's about to melt down. he gives wilbur a stern look, but he's sure his face gives away his anxiety, his fear. showing that he's holding back as usual.

"...okay. message me when you get home." wilbur looks sort of downtrodden, but definitely worried. probably thinking he did something wrong.

schlatt leaves the car without another word. he doesn't expect to contact wilbur again.

it's about a week later that wilbur is at the townhouse at the request of schlatt. connor is at the store but due to arrive in the next half-hour or so. there was dinner plans. schlatt sits at one end of the old beat up couch, holding toby who is nursing his bottle of formula. wilbur is on the other side. pointedly not touching.

schlatt had expected to never see or talk to wilbur again. never face his problems like usual, never look back. but wilbur would send a message about once or twice a day, proclaiming his apologies, if he did something wrong to let him know, he thought it was all going alright. schlatt would take a glance at them, not respond, but it chewed at him. he didn’t want wilbur to think what schlatt did wrong was his fault. after about 5 days, he finally gives and messages back.

Jay
i’m sorry. i have things i’m working through. it’s not your fault. if you want to come over and talk this weekend i’m down. it’s up to you.

wilbur was strangely understanding about it all, even if he had no idea what schlatt could be working through. he wanted it to work out, it seemed. schlatt didn’t understand why, even if deep down he wanted the same.

“i’m sorry i didn’t say anything.” they had already discussed the date briefly. “i- i thought if i… pushed myself and like, got over the- the anxiety or whatever, i’d be fine.”

wilbur nodded. his face was unreadable. he was analyzing schlatt. “anxiety… about what?” his voice is a murmur, very tender.

schlatt is looking down at toby, playing with his tiny tufts of hair. he gives a breathy laugh in a sad way.

“you don’t have to tell me. only what to avoid.”

schlatt sighs. “i-... nothing… sexual.” his voice is straining. “i can’t handle it. it makes my body feel… disgusting. i get sick.”

schlatt pauses and breathes. he will not cry. wilbur says nothing.

“c- toby’s dad… was a terrible man. i knew him for so long. he used to be fine, we were in love… but he would get so angry. he wanted a power over me- over anyone.” a tear rolled down his cheek, and he scrubbed at his eyes to avoid showing emotions. “it got to the point where i couldn’t do anything. i would work the- the normal 9 to 5 and come back home to be a-a slave. do whatever he wanted. he- he started by spiking my drinks. ‘don’t know what the fuck it was. i’d suddenly be dizzy and passing out. i’d come to with him groping me… or inside me. or whatever.”

wilbur let in a sucked breath. schlatt still continued.

“it got to, like, him force-feeding me pills. sleeping meds, painkillers, whatever could relax me or knock me out. i guess he just didn’t want me to fight back. i gave up trying anyways.”

schlatt finally faced wilbur, despite having his gross puffy, teary eyes. “connor saw what was going on and got me away from ca- him. a few months later i find out i’m pregnant. couldn’t remember the last time i’d taken my T. and now i’m here.”

wilbur’s face bled sympathetic. it made schlatt feel horrible to be seen as something to sympathize with. he never intended to dump all this shit out. the words tumbled out like they couldn’t fit inside his brain any longer. he had to let it out.

wilbur moves to be right next to schlatt. one arm wraps around his shoulder and brings schlatt close. he kisses his forehead.

“i-... i’m… so sorry that happened to you.” wilbur breathes out. he pauses. his other hand touches the sleeping toby gently.

“i know… i know it’s hard to talk about. to think about. but it’s okay. everything will be okay.”

schlatt crumbles. he’d tried so hard to hold back, hearing his father say you’re not a man if you cry, but now there are sobs wracking his entire body and tears spilling over his cheeks. he’s curling into himself, keeping toby close, and feels wilbur envelop him. the hell of the last 5 years falls over him. he didn’t have to put up with it. he shouldn’t have let carson take that power. and even though it happened, he never should take it again. the date with wilbur, and everything from then on, was how it should’ve been. healthy. communication. boundaries. maybe even what love is.

he doesn’t want to live in this cage. the one he built with his own pain, his own thoughts.

they don’t move for a long while. connor comes in with bags of fresh food, ready to go all out on a nice family dinner. it isn’t much, just grilled chicken and cooked vegetable medley, something simple that connor and schlatt know they can’t fuck up too bad. connor also grabbed some pints of ice cream, for dessert and a new food for toby to try. everything turns out surprisingly great. the dinner is delicious. wilbur and connor get along very nicely, having complimenting senses of humor and some interests in common.

it’s… good. it’s familiar. it’s something schlatt could get used to.

schlatt gets a text that night. he hadn’t gotten one from this person in many months.

You’re still mine.

he sighs.