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A trilling alarm fills Mark’s bedroom. He rolls over, unsticking himself from the damp bedsheets that Johnny and he were curled into. He sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and checks his phone.
5:30am. Mark turns to check if his alarm had woken Johnny. Even as a morning person, Johnny wouldn’t normally be awake until at least 8:00am by the earliest. He stirs a bit, ultimately rolling over and facing Mark.
“Good morning, angel” Johnny groggily mumbles, tugging on the hem of Mark’s pajama shirt as an invitation back to bed. Mark grunts in response as he gives in, pulling away the too-hot sheets caused by the mid summer heatwave. He lays his head on Johnny’s bare chest, arm slung around his waist. Mark lets his eyes rest for a moment. Letting the moment simmer, he hopes for Johnny to fall back asleep.
But Johnny doesn’t fall asleep, his breaths remain steady as he brushes his hands through Mark’s hair. He leaves a kiss on the top of Mark’s head.
“It’s gonna be so hot out today.” Mark mumbles into Johnny’s chest. He lifts his head to face Johnny, who seems more awake than ever. Johnny’s eyes dart around Mark’s face, as his cheekbones slowly rise into a fond smile. Johnny starts leaving small kisses along Mark’s temple, trailing down to his ear and eventually to his jawline.
Mark pulls his body up, fixing his posture in an attempt to meet Johnny’s lips. In the rustle of limbs, Mark’s knee finds his way to graze against Johnny’s unsubtle growing morning wood. He becomes stiff, throat closing up at the thought of moving.
Kisses continue, falling between Mark’s ears and chest, but Mark’s eyes stay open, as his breathing accelerates. He hasn’t moved his knee away- too caught up thinking about what happens next. He tries not to think it, but suddenly he’s sixteen years old again. He realizes it’s too hot in the room. Johnny has a few baby hairs stuck to his forehead, and Mark’s socks came off in the middle of the night.
Saved by the bell, Mark’s alarm goes off once again. He shakes off the ghost of that memory. Johnny would never treat him that way, and he knows it.
“Ugh.” Johnny sighs and lets his head fall back into the pillow. Mark giggles at how quickly Johnny was brought back to reality.
“I’ll be back for dinner, I’m going to get a late lunch with Ten.” Mark lays a peck on Johnny’s cheek, pushing that ghost as far back as he can.
“Okay. I have a thing at 4:00 so I’ll see you after.” Johnny mumbles with his eyes closed, pulling a few blankets over his shoulders and rolls over, returning to where he was when he woke up.
-
Mark is given his Music Core script for the next week, and flips through the pages rereading each line. The incident this morning had followed him through the commute to the studio, thinking about what could’ve happened if his alarm hadn’t pulled Johnny away. If he was being honest with himself, there was no way that any part of him would’ve stopped Johnny. Mark already feels like he hit the jackpot with Johnny, and he can’t risk what he’s already found just because of his dumbass brain. His throat feels dry at the thought.
He’s not oblivious. He knows that Johnny wants to have sex, he just needs some time to figure out if he does too. It was that stupid impending deadline that was the real kicker here.
“You look like you’re thinking wayyy too hard for reading cue cards.” Haechan quips, sitting down on the floor. He leans his head on Mark’s shoulder to check out the script.
“I forgot to focus while I was reading and I missed like, half my lines.”
“Are you thinking about something?”
“Kind of.” They stare ahead, where the other dreamies have blasted music and scroll on their phones. Mark leans his head to lay on Haechan’s.
“There’s something I have to tell Johnny, I just don’t know how to do it without making it awkward, and I don’t know- Make him not hate me?”
“Well what do you have to tell him?” Haechan perks up, and faces Mark. Mark isn’t afraid of talking about sex, it was the physical having sex part that stressed him out. After all, he was raised in a dorm of several boys throughout puberty. The sex talk wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for either of them, and Mark wasn’t even technically a virgin.
“He wants to have sex.” He sighs and Haechan blinks, probably thinking of the most effective answer to that.
“I’m assuming it’s a problem because you don’t? Or are you asking me for sex advice because even though we’re really close, Johnny is kind of a brother to me and-”
“Oh my god, never mind.” They both laugh, diffusing the tension and anxiety in Mark’s chest. A quiet falls between them, Haechan sits up and makes eye contact.
“You know he loves you for who you are, right? We all do and nothing would change that.” Mark looks down, thinking about the day he came out to Johnny, and his overwhelming pride in Mark. It was about six months into his debut, while Johnny was still living in the trainee dorms.
The fact that Johnny might be thrown off with his vagina didn’t even occur to him this morning. Mark is fairly confident that Johnny wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with the whole no-dick-thing going on in Mark’s pants, it’s been too long. Plus, he is definitely confident that Johnny likes pussy too, after all that Johnny’s horny teenage self disclosed with Mark over the years.
“Thanks dude.” The whole gender/sex miscommunication in his body wasn’t necessarily what he was getting at, but it still felt good to have the affirmation.
“And if it does bother him, let me know and we can all sort him out.”
“I don’t think any of you would be able to sort out Johnny.” Mark laughs.
“Then you haven’t seen me when I’m really angry.” He jokes, and lays down, resting his head in Mark’s lap. “Seriously, I can become the hulk!”
“I’m sure you can.” Haechan was too giddy for his own good, and Mark leaves the conversation feeling the exact same as before. At the end of the day, he would have to face Johnny, and he still doesn’t have a clue of how to act.
-
The day drags on, Mark misses too many steps at dance practice but credits it to a lack of sleep. His manager offers him a cold water bottle, which he rests on his forehead to cool down. After an awful dance practice, Mark lugs his filled backpack down to the first floor to met Ten in the café.
“Hi baby!” Ten pulls Mark into a bone crushing hug, jumping up and down. “It’s been so long!”
“Hi Ten, I missed you too.” Mark laughs and he pulls away and sits down at their table.
They catch up and gossip on various topics, and Mark is reminded of how easy it is to talk with Ten, given their similarities. Ten had always been the one member he missed the most after seeing them daily during promotions. Something about the way he asked genuine questions and read the room well. He wasn’t over the top when it came to keeping the mood bright, he could take serious conversations and make them feel just as comfortable. Mark thinks maybe Haechan could learn a thing or two from him.
Text message
johnny hyungg: have any preference for dinner tn?
“Ooh how are you and Johnny?” Ah, the million dollar question of the day.
“Oh you know…” Mark smiles at the thought, he truly is smitten with the boy. What he would give for Johnny to know how much he adores him.
Ten squeals, “So you’re in love!”
“Ah- I mean… I don’t know. We haven’t said that yet… You know it’s only been like 2 weeks.” Mark stirs his iced coffee, thankful for the blasting AC in the café.
“Shut up dude, you both were pining for like 3 years I think it’s pretty well established that your feelings are at least stronger than a crush.” Ten laughs. Ten was the main instigator of the whole “get Johnmark together” operation, and Mark will be endlessly thankful for that.
Mark nods, smiling at the memory
“Have you had sex yet?” He perks up.
“Ten!” Leave it to Ten to break down the personal barriers that Mark is so good at putting up.
“Listen, after what you told us on tour, I think I deserve to know!” Mark laughs and covers his face in embarrassment. He can’t remember specifically what he ranted to Ten and Taeyong about during their wine night at the LA hotel, but he’s confident it was rated R and consisted a bit too much information about Johnny in a towel and Dylan O’Brien.
Of course he had sexual desires, he jerked off and fantasized all the same as other boys. It was just that when it came to partners, wanting sex and accepting it’s impending expectation was a line that seemed hazy to him. His inherently awkward nature gave way to the idea that having sex was obligation in some cases. For example, Mark had a boyfriend, his boyfriend had desires. When you make out with said boyfriend on your bed in the room alone, what else could be done? Having sex is the expected next step in the interaction… right?
“We haven’t.” He admits. “I’m scared of making it weird- I’m actually kind of worried about seeing him tonight.”
“Why would it be weird?” Ten asks politely, encouraging Mark to go on.
“I think…I don’t know if I’m ready?” Ten stays quiet, letting Mark continue but he can’t find the words. How do you tell your sex-on-legs boyfriend and three year long crush that you were assaulted twice and now you can’t speak when you’re having sex? How could he tell Ten that? Mark imagines how that conversation would go and sighs, putting his head into his hands. “Having sex means clear communication, and I’m bad at that… I guess.” Ten raises his eyebrows in suprise.
“Hate to break it to you babe but you’re really not bad at telling people what you want. You’re very blunt.” Mark knows he’s not exactly the most emotional person, and he is notorious for his specific and clear instructions in the recording studio.
“It’s not that,” He starts. “I- I’m bad at knowing what I want- when it comes to sex at least.” He flushes.
A silence comes over the two as Ten nods, resonating with Mark’s words. Mark watches a group of school-age girls purchase hand held fans from a street kiosk outside the window. The anxiety itself was enough to get Mark glistening with sweat, with this heat he would melt into pool before having this conversation with Johnny. He notes to himself to buy a fan before he leaves.
“How will you figure out what you want?”
“I don’t know, hyung! That’s what I’m trying to figure out, in case you missed the past two minutes!” Mark slouches back in his chair, dejectedly. “Sorry. I don’t- I don’t know. I want everything to be perfect for us and I know it won’t be… That’s all.” Mark sighs. A part of him really wanted Ten to have the answer. Someone like him would know if Mark was ready, and Mark really just wanted at least one person to have confidence because it sure as hell wasn’t him.
“When you’re ready to have sex,” Ten takes a hold of Mark’s hand over the table. “I’m sure you will find that everything will be perfect. Especially with Johnny.”
Mark is sure that Ten means well, and he’s also sure that he has taken that advice in the wrong way. How could anything be perfect when he had a full scale mental breakdown at the thought of Johnny’s morning wood, and stopped being able to speak? It’s going to be a long night.
Mark figures that he’s going to let it be, if Johnny doesn’t want to talk about sex, he won’t either. If Johnny instigates sex, there’s no reason to avoid it… right? Johnny likes him and he likes Johnny, what else is there to consider?
-
When Mark gets home for the day, he’s glistening in a layer of sweat, and hops in the shower as soon as he can. As he wipes down his body, the pits of his brain realizes that he will probably be having sex tonight. With a hasty sigh, he reaches for the razor. Probably not the best idea he’s ever had but it was better than dragging himself out to a waxing salon with a mask and sunglasses on the entire time. He remembers that Johnny once mentioned how much he likes shaved armpits, and so he flushes that hair down the drain too.
After a grossly ridiculous amount of time in the shower, Mark steps out with 90% less body hair and 10% more razor burns. He catches himself in the mirror. His eyes are wide and brows furrowed. Making a face to himself, he attempts to smooth out the worry lines and take deep breaths. It wasn’t the end of the world. He’s lying if he’s telling himself any part of him doesn’t want to have sex with Johnny. Just two days ago he jerked off to the thought of him, who is he now to say he doesn’t want this? A shiver runs down his back, and he shakes out the nerves as he pulls on gym shorts and rewraps his binder. Another deep breath to keep cool while nerves are pooling in his stomach.
The AC blasts in his room, and he changes the damp sheets from last night. Of course, they aren’t wet anymore but if they were going to go through with this Mark would like to avoid the reminder of what entailed in his head this morning. Everything that can be controlled, should be. Like a madman, he cleans up his room and even dusts off the shelves and untouched collection of novels his mom brings over once in a while. He even does the laundry, picking up the shirts on his desk chair that have been living there since even before Johnny asked him out. When he’s done with that, he rearranges a few small pieces of furniture and decorations until he’s satisfied. Anything to pass the time while he waits.
Much like a busy bee, Mark is fully vibrating by the time he hears Johnny enter the dorm. He curls up on the couch in the lounge, with his knees up to his chest and pulls out his phone in an attempt to look natural. Everyone else on the 10th floor were magically going out tonight, leaving the two alone for a few hours. Maybe another sign for Mark to shake off those nerves and go for it today.
“Hi baby, I missed you today.” Johnny puts down his bag, and jumps to join Mark on the couch. “Did you get my text?” Johnny pouts at Mark, who’s eyes widen in realization. He’s been so caught up thinking about this moment and his manic episode that he hasn’t even thought about Johnny’s feelings.
“Oh my god, I’m sorry I got caught up with Ten and I forgot! I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay, that’s what I figured. I got sushi for us.”
“You know me so well.” Mark beams, Johnny was truly the one person who could read him inside and out. Surely, Johnny will be able to tell if Mark is ready or not. Mark knows on the inside that this is the time for him to bring up the conversation if he’s going to be honest. But Johnny turns on the TV, and starts rambling about his day. The moment passes, and it’s too late now.
Mark also knows that when whatever happens tonight happens, he needs to speak up. Of course he knows that. But everything is easier said than done. A part of Mark doesn’t want to dip his toes in the water though, he wants to be thrown in the deep end and left to drown. At least he’s felt what it was like to drown before, and the dark embrace of freezing water was somewhat numbing.
Honestly he doesn’t know what to feel, maybe the water numbed him too well last time. He has barely any thoughts left for himself on this subject.
They eat with the TV playing reruns of The Office. Mark still doesn’t totally get the hype, but it made Johnny laugh and that’s all that he cared about. Normally, he would laugh at anything Johnny found funny, but in today’s blistering heat and rushing thoughts taking up his mind, Mark couldn’t focus. After about an hour or so, Johnny gets up to shower, and Mark makes an excuse to retreat to his bedroom.
-
When Johnny cracks open Mark’s door, the room is illuminated by one of Mark’s lamps and his desktop with his work schedule open. Johnny smiles, and realizes how much Mark’s room has changed since this morning.
“I like the room, was that plant always there?” Johnny wants to compliment how well Mark cleaned up, but doesn’t want to imply that it was all that messy in the first place. Johnny had seen this room in much worse conditions.
“Uh, no.” He stares at the plant, realizing he doesn’t really having a reason for moving it from the lounge to his room other than anxiety over this very moment. “I felt like redecorating.” Johnny opens the drawer that held a few of his clothes for the times he’s spent overnight here, and shivers as the breeze hits him.
“Damn, Mark. What temperature is the AC at?”
“Oh- sorry hyung, I’ll turn it down.” Mark rolls over to press a few buttons and then crawls back into the bed.
“It’s alright,” Johnny pulls on pajama pants over his boxers and shakes off his hair into his towel. Mark realizes he’s staring when they make eye contact through the mirror on his dresser. Johnny winks, “I run hot.”
Mark’s mouth goes dry, completely enamored by this version of Johnny. Johnny has always been very confident, especially in his body. However, Mark had never seen that confidence in his bedroom. When the doors closed and it was just the two of them, Johnny was actually a total sap. He covered Mark in kisses and suffocated him in hugs and cuddles, not to mention various adorable pet names that made Mark squeal on the inside.
“Uh-” Mark tries to start. Johnny turns around, and climbs on top of him on the bed. Mark is at a loss for words, he really didn’t expect Johnny to pull out all the stops to get him flustered.
“What’s wrong, kitten? Cat got your tongue?” Johnny’s cadence is sweet and a bit sarcastic, kissing Mark’s forehead in a feeble yet genuine attempt to soothe his nerves.
To say Johnny looked good right now was an understatement, his hair had fallen perfectly to frame his face and when he pushed it back there was that one strand that kept coming to the front. His necklace dangled in front of Mark’s face, the stupid chain mocking the way Mark was hypnotized by him. To top it off, he really did run hot, his skin was warm to the touch and inviting, with flushed cheeks. Mark thinks it would truly be a dishonor to hot people everywhere if he couldn’t do this tonight. He shrugs off the anxiety that was beginning to build. Now that Johnny was here in front of him, it feels a little more perfect than before.
With a spur of instilled confidence, Mark leans up and seals a kiss. Johnny smiles at this, and takes a hold of Mark’s head, while Mark grabs a hold of his bicep. Mark isn’t cold anymore, for sure.
Johnny manages to flip them around, Mark sitting on top now. The sudden movement takes Mark by surprise, and he’s left feeling exposed. Now, Johnny could see just about every part of him.
Mark feels the need to cover up. He doesn’t feel very pretty right now, especially in bed with someone like Johnny. He pushes those thoughts away and leans back down to kiss him.
“Is this what you want?” Johnny lets out in between breaths. Mark pulls away slightly, but keeps their their foreheads together. His eyes stay down. “Kitten?”
Not exactly. Maybe? At least an hour ago it would’ve been no. It’s going to happen at some point, sex is inevitable. Suck it up, Mark. You can’t avoid this forever.
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Baby, do you know the color system?” He is too sweet. Who is Mark to turn this down? Johnny with the grown out hair and ripping abs and soft smile but sharp eyes that love and intimidate at the same time. He lets out a shaking breath.
“Yeah. Just um, can we turn off the lights?” Mark doesn’t offer to explain why.
“Of course, love.” And Johnny gets to work, leaving a trail of bitemarks on his neck, and they kiss for quite a while. Mark would never admit it, but he does notice Johnny’s tugs on his waistband. He ignores it. This doesn’t have to happen too quickly, he wants to stay in this moment for a while. Yellow.
Eventually, Mark feels Johnny’s gestures becoming erratic. His kisses are sloppy and his dick is definitely straining to get out, and Mark can feel its outline on his thigh. Johnny picks up Mark and sets him on his back, and allows room for himself between Mark’s weak legs. Johnny inches Mark’s pants down, slowly and steadily until they’ve become a limp pile on the floor. Red.
It all goes bad. Mark stops responding, all of a sudden he can’t breathe, and he’s insecure. He realizes that his binder is still on even when Johnny told him multiple times to take it off when he’s sleeping. He has a few razor burns along his legs, and one on the top of his crotch and Oh my god what if he can’t get wet? He’s heard it happen to girls, even when they’re 100% sure about having sex.
And his mind is racing a hundred miles a minute. He thinks of being sixteen years old again at sleep away camp, held under the covers with tears streaming down his eyes and chanting for anything to stop. He remembers being eighteen, drunk enough to make bad decisions but sober enough to remember it all. And that time it really was his fault, he sat still like a rock unable to say anything to get him to stop. It was his fault, just like this time too.
“Hey angel? What’s your color?” Mark can’t respond. He can’t lie to Johnny’s face and say green. Yellow means questions, questions about what he wants. Questions that he doesn’t even have the answer to. Red seems too final, he doesn’t want to upset Johnny. God, he can’t make Johnny mad, he's been a heaven-sent angel during this entire situation. Tears start welling up at the thought of saying red. Fucking this up just like how he did with everyone else. Another awful memory to attach with a lovely boy, and maybe a reason to start avoiding traffic lights .
“I- green.” Mark stutters, with tears in his eyes. “I’m fine.” He looks up to check with Johnny’s face to see if his lie passed. Bad idea in retrospect. When he meets Johnny’s eyes, it looks like his heart just about breaks in half at the sight of Mark.
“Kitten, you're shaking. You have to be honest.” Mark tries to take a deep breath and relax, but it comes out wet and too much like a sob.
“I can be honest. I’m okay, hyung” Mark takes a few deep breaths, unable to make eye contact with Johnny as he wipes away the tears hot on his cheeks. Johnny lets go of his hold on Mark, allowing space between them. Mark takes a deep breath, looking at Johnny through wet lashes and red eyes. “Please stay. I like you so much.”
“Fucking shit, Mark.” Johnny curses under his breath. Mark’s really done it now, he sits up and pushes himself up against the bed frame. He shakes his head to rid of the bad memories that keep wanting to crawl back.
“I’m sorry I led you on. I just- I wanted to but I- I wanted to until I didn't anymore.” At least that is half true.
Johnny waits in silence, pondering. Mark watches every detail in his face to get a reading of his thoughts. Mark has lost all control of this situation. He notices that Johnny is still hard.
“A- actually it's okay... Johnny? If you want to have sex we can. I’m sorry I freaked out I didn't mean to make it awkward. You can continue. I won’t say anything else. I’ll be quiet now.”
“Oh, oh my god my angel. We’re not going to have sex.” Johnny cradles his head and wipes away Mark’s tears.
“But-” Mark starts.
"We're going to wait. I want to wait." Johnny finally sighs. A heavy one that worries Mark, he pushes Mark's hair and tucks it behind his ear. “It's not because of you, It's not your fault.”
Mark wants to fight it. He’s about to open his mouth again but is cut off.
“Sunshine, can you lay down?” Johnny straightens up Mark’s shirt, pulling it down to cover his stomach and he lays down next to Mark. He wraps an arm around Mark’s shoulders and drags him in to cuddle and plant a kiss to his head.
Mark feels like he can breathe for the first time today.
“Love, I need you to tell me if you're okay, and I need you to be honest. For real. Is this okay?"
“I like this.” He sniffles, and they stay like that for a while as their heart rate decreases. Johnny has been nothing but sweet and loving even after this mess he’s created.
In laying on Johnny’s warm chest, he realizes.
“I love you.” Somehow it feels more vulnerable than anything he could’ve done today. “I love you and I want to do anything to make you happy. I’m sorry I couldn’t do this, I tried, I really did.” Johnny isn’t smiling.
“Mark?”
“Hm?”
“Don’t you think love means honesty?” Johnny has a point. Maybe obsessed was a better word for what Mark was feeling and acting like today.
He feels awful. Everything went much worse than anything he could’ve imagined. Johnny’s furrowed eyebrows and the pain in his eyes won’t leave the back of his mind. God, what a stupid idea. He should’ve told the truth from the start. Oh, what he would give to take it all back so Johnny would never have had to experience that terrific chaos sequence. Not only did he relive his own trauma but he might’ve scarred Johnny a bit too. If Johnny was on the fence about this relationship before, he would surely be gone by the morning.
“I shouldn’t have lied. I should’ve told you how I felt this morning and I should’ve talked with you about sex but I was just so scared, hyung.”
“What is there to be scared of?” You, Mark thinks. Losing you.
“Um- I understand if you want to leave.” A quick change of subject. He wipes away his tears and sits up on the bed, trying to look presentable after the mess he's created for the both of them. “It's okay. Thanks for being so kind about it. I messed up. It’s my fault.”
Mark expects silence after that statement. At least, Haechan or Ten would’ve kept quiet. Those other unnamed men would’ve agreed about it being his fault. Instead, Johnny does something that Mark hadn’t experienced before. He lands a kiss right onto the top of his head.
"Kitten, what's going on in that beautiful head of yours?" Mark stays quiet, afraid that he's going to frustrate Johnny with his overthinking. "Hey angel, tell me what’s on your mind." Mark takes note that Johnny’s request turned into a command.
"I’m sorry." Mark buries into his shoulder, "I-" he can’t think of words right now. Who was he to have someone this caring and sweet? It's not even like he's been in an abusive relationship or something, he's just really afraid. Maybe he should stop it with his ankles wading on the shore before he can drown. He can be a big boy and let go before it got any worse. “Do you know you’re perfect?” Mark lets out. The implications of that statement speaks for itself. Johnny’s common sense fills it in.
“Hey, look at me.” Mark stares up at Johnny through the mess of his hair. “Is it okay if I take your binder off, hm?” Mark nods, sitting up.
Johnny’s warm hands pull his shirt up slightly, and he finds the clasp to unwrap the cloth. He’s careful to not wander anywhere else under the red Vancouver shirt, and it falls back down to cover Mark up again. Johnny was always delicate when it came to his binders, he rolls it up cautiously, and places it on the nightstand.They lock eyes, and Johnny takes a hold of Mark’s shaking hands.
“I wish you could see yourself from my eyes. Everything about you is what makes me happy... I can’t even think about being with anyone else. You are the person for me. I don't want anyone if they’re not you. I love you. All of you.” Mark’s gaze had drifted down to their hands, so Johnny brings a hand to Mark’s chin. A polite reminder to look up again. “You are not flawed. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure about going all the way tonight either. I never want to hurt you, and the only way for that to happen is if you’re candid with me.
“I love you so fucking much, Johnny.” Mark sighs and leans into crash into the elder.
“I love you more.”