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Kevin’s Prompts for the Harry Potter Fandom plus crossovers

All are up for adoption if one catches your fancy. Please let me know which one and give me credit and a link when you publish. Credit is given to various individuals for their invaluable contributions.

HP Crossovers

A magical CSI honeymoon

Harry and Hermione Potter, recent newlyweds and Unspeakables for the British DoM, are on their honeymoon in Las Vegas when they stumble across a murder scene. Bodies are everywhere and it's a gruesome one. Harry immediately calls the police while Hermione seals off the perimeter.

When the detectives and CSI arrive, they find both working the scene using unfamiliar techniques and most bizarre, are waving what appear to be sticks to cause things to float!

CSI Investigator Gil Grissom and his team are intrigued by this mysterious pair of Brits but soon find themselves in fine company as the two sides join together to solve one of the biggest crimes of the decade. A crime that spans two countries and either side of the magical curtain.

HP/CSI: Las Vegas crossover, set during the year 2000-2001.

Ghosts and spirits in the HP fandom are usually benign with the exception of a few (Dementors, Lethifolds, poltergeists.) What if there were other things that fell into the category of less benign? What if the ghosts and spirits were more like the Ghostbusters fandom?

Harry and Hermione are Ghostbusters working for the Department of Magical Creatures, Beasts and Spirits. They're armed with proton packs, ghost traps and all the other gear that was gifted to them by Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, and Zeddemore.

HP/Pirates of the Caribbean crossover

Harry Potter, Unspeakable HitWizard Serial number A113-7, is thrust back in time while in pursuit of a fugitive to the 1700s and finds himself on the island of St. Martin in the Caribbean.

Once he's gotten back his bearings, he finds himself needing to survive in this harsh time. Pirates, disease, heat, and dodging the authorities. But what about the fugitive? Oh, did I forget to mention that it's Hermione?

She's a former Unspeakable Temporal Researcher who's stolen an experimental Time Turner artifact from the Department of Mysteries for the purpose of eliminating the Deathly Hallows before they fall into the wrong hands and cause more destruction.

Can Harry catch her before it's too late? Can he save the future?

Can he run a few "errands" on the side?

Story runs concurrently with "Dead Men Tell No Tales." Harry, Hermione and Jack Sparrow must either team up to collect the Deathly Hallows or cross paths on multiple occasions.

HP/Star Wars crossover. Set during Episode 4.

Harry had crossed through the Veil of Death willingly after Hermione was murdered by Ron Weasley. Death took pity on him and sent him where all those who pass through His Gates go: To a galaxy far, far away.

In his grief, Harry sets himself up as a moisture farmer on Tatooine figuring that this hellish planet can be construed as a form of penance for failing to protect Hermione. One day, he intercepts an R2 astromech trying to make a break for the Dune Sea in search of Obi-wan Kenobi. Harry sadly informs the droid that old Kenobi died three years ago. R2 is distraught but figures that maybe this one could help and plays back the message the princess hid in his storage banks.

Harry is flabbergasted, the princess looks just like Hermione! The voice, the face, the mannerisms; it's got to be her! Harry decides that it's time to stop hiding. He takes the droid back to the Lars homestead where he teams up with Luke, 3PO and eventually Han Solo and Chewbacca to go rescue Princess Hermione.

When Harry finally reaches Hermione, he embraces her and locks lips. The resulting magical shockwave unlocks her memories of her past life. She is shocked to learn what happened to her old self and the events leading up to now.

Harry is in no position to teach Luke the ways of the Force but suggests that meditation couldn't hurt. Through it, Luke connects with Yoda and after the destruction of the Death Star, takes a transport to Dagobah.

With Luke out of the picture, it's up to Harry to take his place in the galactic civil war.

Magic meets the Force, who's going to win?

Harry, Hermione and Luna were recruited by MIB straight out of Hogwarts. The three of them impressed not only the recruiters but also the MIB brass with their magical skills and intuitive logic.

The trio's talents with investigation and captures are incredibly skilled. From dealing with a Dark Lord and his Horcruxes, subduing and transporting unbelievably fantastic creatures (including the Fae), and to their ability to take the most obscure bits of evidence and knowledge and break cold cases wide open are so awe-inspiring, that even the Unspeakables in the British DoM are known to kneel before them.

Formally known as Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood and Harry Potter. Now, they're referred to by their call signs, Agents H, L, and P.

They are the Magicals In Black.

HP/Star Trek crossover: After graduating from Hogwarts, both Harry and Hermione are indecisive about what to do now. Neither want to become teachers or work in the ministry given its perpetual corruption. A chance viewing of a muggle advertisement for a brand new international space exploration program tentatively called 'United Earth Space Patrol Agency or UESPA' headed jointly by NASA and the ESA. Its mission is to develop and build practical and feasible spacecraft to explore the solar system. Hermione joins under the science directorate while Harry joins the Engineering division (though at this point all applicants are cross-trained in everything.)

Their first mission is a bit more than they expected. On a training flight to the moon, the pair are mysteriously flung to the distant reaches of the Oort Cloud where they discover that humans are not alone in the galaxy...

HP fandom (no crossovers)

5th year and Hermione has organized a poker tournament just to pass the time and to relieve some stress from their approaching OWLs. 

Umbridge is being her usual PITA self, Voldemort is attacking the outside world, and Harry? He just checked for a possible straight.

Why is Harry so unconcerned about Voldemort? He put out a hit contract on Voldemort to brought to him alive (not necessarily in one piece, just alive) for 5 million Galleons (a drop in the bucket of the Potter fortune) and figured, 'Why should I stress out over something I'm not trained to do?' He even extended the offer to the Goblins (they would get every Goblin-made item in the Potter vaults returned to the Nation plus 100,000 Galleons to the Goblin themself (ves) and to the elves (they would be adopted into the Potter Family in a place of honor and whatever job they requested plus spending money as they saw fit.)

Albus is "disappointed" in his pawn, citing the teen's immaturity of not doing the job himself (despite Albus' penchant for doing the exact same thing) and worrying how this will affect the Prophecy and the Greater Good, Sirius and Remus are eminently proud of their charge and Minerva is still waiting for Harry's essay on Structural Transfiguration!

What if it wasn't James and Lily who died protecting Harry on Halloween 1981 but was instead Petunia and Vernon? The Dursleys were and had always been on good terms with the Potters (they merely let everyone assume the Evans sisters had had a falling out) so they were visiting to take the toddlers out for a bit of trick or treating fun.

Dudley and Harry were upstairs in the nursery when Voldemort came calling. James and Lily were in their basement putting away some stuff when they heard the commotion. Voldie took out Vernon first, mistaking him for James (I doubt that Voldie really paid attention to who was who in the heat of the moment) then he murdered Petunia before turning his attention to Harry. As he was about to cast the Killing Curse, he heard a noise behind him.

James hit him with a Leg-Locker Hex while Lily's swing of a shovel took his head completely from his shoulders. The resulting magical shockwave blew out the room, leaving Harry with a scar (Dudley was hiding under a blanket.)

Lily immediately cast an Unspeakable grade containment field which allowed her to identify the wraith and soul fragment before it could attach itself to Harry.

In the meantime, James took Dudley home while Lily transfigured two of Harry's teddy bears into a likeness of her and her husband to pretend that they were dead.

Sirius was in on the whole thing so after Hagrid took baby Harry to Dumbledore, Sirius left but instead of hunting the rat; he went to go retrieve Remus.

After Albus dumped Harry on the Dursleys doorstep, Lily brought him in and cleared her son of any enchantments the old goat may have placed. After a lengthy conversation, they then began the pretense that Petunia and Vernon lived to raise their son and nephew. Sirius and Remus bought a house next door and connected the backyards via gate. (The neighborhood thought that Sirius was a live-in caretaker for Remus after he told everyone that he had a debilitating bloodborne illness akin to anaemia.)

When Albus had Mrs. Figg placed to keep watch, Lily questioned and Obliviated the woman then placed enchantments around her house to Confund her into believing that all was well and only give good reports to Albus.

Ten years later, a vastly different Harry enters Hogwarts...

What if Hagrid wasn't the dumb oaf everyone thought he was? What if after dropping Harry off at the Dursleys along with Dumbledore and McGonagall; he came back and took Harry away.

Rubeus had secretly decided to team up with Minerva, Sirius and Remus to spirit Harry away from whatever cockamamie plans Albus had set in motion for the orphaned Potter Heir. Once retrieved, Hagrid met up with the other three at Potter Manor to raise Harry in secret. Remus discovered all the traces Albus had put on his pseudo-nephew and had a Potter elf replace them on the devices in the headmaster's office with Albus' blood leaving the old goat none the wiser.

Harry was raised with love and family, a sense of adventure, contemplative learning and a respect for wild animals. By the time he was ready for Hogwarts, Harry was a rugged eleven year old ready to take on the world.

First year and Harry surprises everyone beyond the usual "Omg, it's the Boy-who-lived!" hype.

What's his surprise? He brings his favorite acoustic guitar.

Sorted into Slytherin (because he wants to prove himself to be more than just an appellation); Harry shatters the myth that Slytherins are cold and aloof by holding quiet guitar solo concerts for the others in his House and for the school. The ever-changing melodies (based on his mood and the mood of the castle) dance and play across the minds and imaginations of everyone who can hear the music.

Harry met Hermione on the train while he was strumming a random tune. She quietly opened his compartment door to listen better and was swept away by the rich harmonies. Without realizing she was doing so, she breaks into song that perfectly accompanies his own playing.

At the Sorting Ceremony, she was sorted into Gryffindor but the two still found ways to pair up and serenade the school with the magic of music. Their efforts blew apart any preconceived notions about the legendary Slytherin/Gryffindor animosity and woebegone anyone who dared to interfere!

The 15 year old Weasley Twins have been invited to spend the day with Harry and Hermione who both want to introduce the 'Devil's Carrots' to the wonderful world of muggle pranks. The Twins are agog at the sheer scope and selection of jokes and things to make life humorous.

The Whoopie Cushion

Fart machine

Snapping gum pack

Flower squirter

Joy buzzer

Squeaky shoes

Remote control vibrating underwear

Sneezing powder

Hot sauce gum

Methylene Blue

Fake body parts

Edible dye release candies and gum

Chinese finger traps

By the time that they get back to Hogwarts, Minerva is glaring at the younger pair, "I don't know what you did but I know you were responsible."

Harry was the picture of innocence, "Us? Professor McGonagall, I should be shocked. Do you honestly believe that Hermione Granger of all people would get into the sort of shenanigans that you suspect we did and at the same time, allow me to instigate said shenanigans?"

Minerva's eyes narrowed and her lips thinned dangerously, "I know that the Weasley Twins spent a couple of days with you during the summer. Given your history AND the fact that you take after your father and his friends; I'll be keeping my eye on you." She gave them one more glare then stormed off.

Hermione turned to Harry, "I think it's time for Plan B."

For the next month, whenever Minerva spotted the twins in the company of Harry and Hermione; the quartet made sure to smile and wave at the stern professor and talk about some of the sights they saw in London. It got the point where Minerva was stalking them in cat form but she was unable to find any potential that they were planning a prank.

After one more week, Minerva had to be admitted to the infirmary for frayed nerves and an involuntary twitch in her left eye. The Twins met up with the younger pair and congratulated them.

"Fantastic prank, Hermione and the best part was, we didn't have to do a thing!"

Once the old cat was safely out of commission; the quartet unleashed a wave of pranking madness the likes of which hadn't seen since Godric tapped Salazar and said, "Hey, you know what would be funny?" before then going and charming the staircases to randomly move because Rowena was taking too long to descend a flight of stairs.

After falling asleep one too many times in Binns' "History" class, Hermione teams up with Harry to prank Hogwarts and ultimately the Wizarding world by introducing the Lord of the Rings trilogy and passing it off as a true historical account.

"Whatcha got there, Hermione?" Harry asked as he slid onto the sofa next to his girlfriend.

"A list of ideas to prank the magical world."

A heartbeat of silence, "Who are you and what have you done with the prim and proper girl I fell in love with?"

"Ha, ha. I just thought that given how gullible the magically-raised are; it would be fun to introduce muggle fantasy into their narrow-minded little world and watch the chaos erupt."

"So what's on this list?" He takes the page from her and reads:

- Pass the Lord of the Rings trilogy off as historical fact.

- The WEA and DoM must get involved and scramble to determine the validity of the claim.

- The Daily Prophet must run a series of articles on the subject.

- The Gandalf character must be used to poke fun at Dumbledore.

- watch all the students and public pester and bombard Dumbledore with questions about what life was like back then.

Harry hands back the list with a grin that a Goblin would be proud of, "Let's get started.

Never mess with a Highland witch or an angry muggleborn.

By 3rd year Hermione is clearly Minerva McGonagall's disciple in cowing the opposition with 'The Look.' Fortunately for Harry, he's never on the receiving end because under her influence, he's a good student and best friend.

The others though...well, it's said that angering a Highland witch is a bad thing because when Minerva gets angry, her Look promises painful retribution through loud rants in Gaelic.

Hermione Granger, on the other hand, gets...creative.

Ron Weasley still gets the tremors whenever broccoli is served at dinner for reasons no one is quite clear on and has shown significant improvements in table manners compared to first year, Draco will go into a thousand yard stare and sweats heavily every time he hears a tinkling from a specific bell, Pansy...well, she outright wets herself if someone wears shoes that squeak. Even Blaise Zabini, whose parents have ties to the Italian Magical Mafia, hesitates whenever Hermione is nearby.

Dumbledore and Snape have investigated the matter but can find no evidence of foul play, outright violence or even any potions. If anything that was said to a commonality between the victims is the look of sheer terror on their faces if someone starts slowly...and eerily...sings the Santa Claus song.

"You better watch out...you better not cry...you better not pout...I'm telling you why...Hermione Granger is coming to town..."

The clues to how Hermione gets to her victims is found within the pages of Hogwarts, A History. She has the 1991 edition plus three more from 1936, 1889, and 1712.

Sick and tired of Draco's and Pansy's constant belittlement against the muggle world, Harry and Hermione offer the pair a challenge.

Survive one full semester in muggle high school without using magic.

If they can go the entire time without resorting to using magic then both will be able to claim a yet unnamed boon from Harry and Hermione.

The Green Duo are given money and pointed in the direction to buy their supplies, and later where the school is, but no other help. Draco and Pansy have zero clue on who, what, where to go or ask for help. They're on their own and will either sink or swim until the end of the semester.

Nearly halfway through, Harry is asked by a clearly over his head Draco if what he and Pansy have been going through, (all of the bad stuff that makes up a modern school) is what muggleborns go through at Hogwarts.

Harry gives him a smug sneer, "Now you're getting it. I hope that when this is over; you'll go home and influence the others to pass legislation that modernizes Muggle Studies and creates a Wizarding Studies class for the incoming muggleborns."

Hermione finished up, "We're tired of getting dumped on by the so-called 'elite' for trampling over your 'time-honored traditions.' How are we supposed to know about them if no one is willing to teach us?"

Draco and Pansy return home and immediately set upon their parents demanding changes. "Don't make us go through that again! The muggleborns deserve a chance! They are more powerful than we give them credit for."

Imagine the look on Draco's face the first time he tries to use his usual line of "Wait until my father hears about this..." to a bunch of gangbangers and their response is, "Yeah, so?"

The entire population of Magical Britain owes Harry Potter a Life Debt after he allegedly saved them from the predation of Voldemort.

It's during 2nd year when during a quiet study session in the library with Hermione, he overhears two Slytherins comment that they wished Harry would collect on his Life Debts already so the rest of them can move on. He confronts them to ask what they meant. This leads to a journey of discovery and a means to get those who would control him for their own gain off his back (Albus), and to return what was taken from him (Sirius, Heir of Slytherin, parents wills, etc.)

Once he finished his sojourn into what a Life Debt was and how it could be fulfilled; he asks Hermione to help him create a list of everyone whom they think should be compelled to serve him.

Hermione raised one eyebrow challengingly, "Am I going to be on this list?"

Harry grew puzzled, "Why would you be?"

"You saved my life during the troll incident last year and ostensibly, back in Halloween 1981."

Harry gulped then brightened, "Hermione...what's your middle name?"

"Jean."

"Hermione Jean Granger; I, Harry James Potter, do hereby absolve you of your Life Debt to me in exchange for being my best friend and helping me change the world for the better."

A nimbus of light flared around her and her eyelids fluttered a bit as the magic took effect. When it faded, she smiled shyly at him, "What is your first wish, Master?"

Harry goggled at her until she broke down in giggles at the look on his face. He snorted and rolled his eyes, "Silly bunny. Now, let's write that list and change the world."

Punishment for Albus courtesy of Soonalote (Harmony K T group):

It was a Hogsmeade weekend and soon the small town would be overrun with excited students and harried professors attempting to keep them in line. There will be friends calling out to each other on where they are to meet, new blushing couples shyly holding hands, other couples who have been together longer pulling their partners to a favorite spot. The energy the students bring with them a tangible cloud of anticipation laying heavy in the air bringing smiles to the townies. And while all this is going on; the once proud, arrogant, powerful Lord of the Light watched on, confined to his brothers inn reduced to nothing more than a muggle slaving away the rest of what remains of his life. The bitterness in his eyes as he watches a witch in Slytherin colors wrap her arms around her Gryffindor boyfriend, a mixed group of young men from all four houses joking and talking over each other as they head to the Quidditch shop and a giggling group of young witches heading to Madam Puddifoots Tea Shop. A deep feeling of resentment BURNED in him knowing he had nothing to do with the camaraderie that was present in the students that were once his. His voyeurism was interrupted by a young witch exclaiming...

"Ugh who is that?"

"Who?"

"That creepy old guy staring at us, seriously doesn't he have like tables to clean or something?"

"I dont know but let's keep moving, who knows what that crazy old goat would do!"

"Perhaps if you had put as much effort in your family as you did in the Potters you might still be in that fancy castle of yours." Albus glares at Aberforth but before he can say anything he hears Mundungus yell, "Oi Albus, another pint and I could do wit some chips yeah, that's a good lad!"

6th year and the 2nd Blood War is in full swing. In an empty classroom, Harry is standing besides Hermione as she's explaining a recently concluded study on how to prevent Squibs in the family to a group of purebloods from all 4 Houses and political spectrums.

"Listen, I've run the math and the data shows without a doubt that if your wife does not achieve 7 naturally occurring, toe-curling, body encompassing orgasms during the intercourse; her chances of producing Squibs grows exponentially."

One male Slytherin hesitantly raised his hand, "Um...two things. One, how do we make sure that she's achieved that number? My girlfriend usually only gets one if we're lucky. Two, is this why mud- er, muggleborns are so numerous?"

Harry was barely holding back his laughter, secretly thanking every deity that Hermione had thought to use a mild 'Duro' on his face before they got started.

Hermione patted the teen on his hand, "The secret is for you to practice and she must be your wife. The more quality sex you have, the higher your chances become that she'll achieve that magic number and I mean really practice! Go beyond the usual, the plain old 'missionary position.' (A few teens blushed madly.) If you have to ask for help with new ideas and positions; feel free to come to any muggleborn 5th year and up! We'll be happy to help and/or demonstrate."

Hermione took a sip of water from her glass, "Also, it's important for her to be legally married to you or it doesn't count. It's Magic's way of protecting the Family Line. (A couple of the teens from the Darker Families nodded their understanding.) As for why it seems that muggleborns are more prolific? This is exactly the reason."

Later as they were packing up, Harry finally broke down laughing, "Do you think they fell for it?"

She sniffed haughtily, "The boys did, at least. The girls are just going to be eager to get started. Anything to distract their attention from the war and joining the Death Eaters."

Still chuckling, Harry quipped, "Madam Pomfrey better start stocking up on pregnancy kits as well as pre- and post-natal supplies! Hogwarts is about to get a massive population boost!"

6 months later, Hermione overheard a conversation between a gaggle of mixed House 7th year girls chattering and comparing notes about their boyfriends, grading them on various points like oral skills, foreplay, technique, creativity and more.

Harry catches up with her and says the guys are pretty much just bragging about their "virility." Madam Pomfrey drags them in for a consultation. "What did you do?" She practically growled at them, "Do either of you have any idea as to what started the demand for pregnancy tests and natal care kits?"

Harry's just about dying laughing while Hermione is bravely trying to stay focused, "We were only doing our part to reduce the amount of potential victims for Death Eater recruitment."

Poppy sank into her chair and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Explain and it had better be good."

Poppy met up with Minerva later, "Min, I think Hermione Granger should be awarded the Order of Merlin for her sneaky plan."

Minerva's eyebrows furrowed, "Why?"

Poppy related what she learned from the bushy-haired Gryffindor. Minerva's eyes grew wide as her mouth dropped open just as a snort of laughter erupted, "I...she... Genius, pure genius!"

(From Gustav Persson; Harmony 18+ group) Omake:

Lord Voldemort was sitting and contemplating his latest chall.. no enemy action.

Recruitment was down and after having the Rat doing some spying he found out the reason. Well, he believed the reason after a small spot of Crucio-play.

He would never get new followers as things stood now. He needed a new tactic, but what.

The assembled Death Eaters outside the "audience chamber" were suddenly terrified. They heard Lord Voldemort chuckling through the door and then laughing, if anyone asked they would swear that it was a sinister laugh.

"Everyone get in here!" sounded through the whole house seeing everyone filing in to the "audience chamber".

"Our enemy has tried to hurt us in our recruitment" Lord Voldemort started.

"But my brilliant intellect has found out the root cause, and therefore we will embark on breaking new ground in Magic".

"We will devote all our resources to researching a new spell, the "ORGASMO" spell"

"And with this our numbers will soar"

The war was never the same after this, many historians had fanciful theories on why the Death Eaters changed their strategy but none found that it all started as a prank by  Hermione.

Fifth year, around the time that Umbridge started the Inquisitorial Squad.

With Dobby's help, Hermione stole and modified the badges that the Squad members wore and turned them into one-way transmitters that would send everything they said to an enchanted journal in her trunk. It wouldn't matter where the Squad was, it all got written down.

By the time that the Christmas holidays rolled around, she had more than enough information and blackmail to bury the Dark Families forever. Pansy talked in her sleep, Draco pranced around his dorm play-acting all of his encounters he had throughout the day including mentioning names and locations. Surprisingly, it was Crabbe, Goyle and Bulstrode who figured out that the badges had been tampered with and had been sending inside information above and beyond what normally transpired in the Snake Pit. Secrets of what their parents were up to and what he'd gleaned from quietly listening to the Dark Lord rambling on about.

When Hermione confronted them; all three let her in their secret. They wanted out. Out of the ongoing hassle of being related to power hungry fools and being forced to follow an insane megalomaniac bent on destroying the world.

Hermione brings in Harry and the pair try to figure out how to make all this work and live to tell the tale.

Can you not see Luna making some sort of comment that drives Hermione crazy enough to attempt this even if only to prove or disprove the concept?

Harry leant up against the doorway one evening during a lull of the usual 5th year Hogwartian OWLs madness and watched as his girlfriend worked feverishly up to her wrists in a partially disassembled robotic floor vacuum, muttering, "I'm going to solve this even if it kills me. I'll show Luna who's the smarter one!" Piles of failed projects lay scattered around her.

Confused, he went in search of the quirky blonde and found her outside by the Greenhouse Courtyard hanging upside down and swinging lightly from a railing, "Lu? What did you say to Hermione to set her off?"

Smiling enigmatically, Luna shrugged (the action caused her sweater to shift and flop into her face), "All I said was I'm sure that the muggles must have other non-broom options that could allow you to keep your feet under you. The Roomba Goombas must be messing with her mind. They do that you know; they feed on your indecisive thoughts and cause a person to burst out with manic creativity."

Harry knelt down and pulled the sweater out of face and gave her a push, causing her to start swinging again, "Sometimes I feel like you say these things just to watch Hermione go crazy. Are you running some sort of behavioral analysis experiment?"

Luna's only response as she swung back and forth was her usual dreamy smile and a twinkle in her eyes.

The protections that Lily embued on her son began manifesting itself when Harry turned seven. Everyone thought that he'd just created an imaginary friend or two to talk to as did so many other kids his age.

Harry learned so much from his two guardians that only he could see. While not specifically his parents, they did take up the roles. They guided him, listened to him and protected him as ordinary parents would. Lily even made herself known to Petunia and Vernon so they would learn to not mistreat Harry anymore.

James instructed Harry on how to understand and alter the wards around 4 Privet Drive so they could practice magic without being detected.

Flash forward to when Harry gets his Acceptance letter. This version of Harry is smarter, craftier, and eager to give his magic a whirl. The Legend of Harry Potter is about to enter the magical world and things will never be the same!

(Scene used in TPAR) Part of my ongoing love of "Hermione is the secret prankster" series:

Whilst in her Ancient Runes class, Hermione starts using an entirely new script the teacher has never seen before yet the arrays all seem to work. Conjuring light, turning things on/off, even making a radio play music; the list kept getting longer and longer.

Harry leaned over her shoulder one evening, "Hermione, how long are you going to keep confusing the magicals? You know it's rude to tease the poor creatures."

Hermione giggled, "I've only got a couple of more ideas before I move onto something else. Frankly, I'm surprised that the other muggleborn in the class haven't said anything."

Harry smirked, "They know and they're loving it." He picked up one of the array scripts, "Seriously, using muggle electrical schematic symbols has to be one of your best pranks."

In canon, the Death Eaters are usually portrayed as bumbling idiots or grandstanding peacocks. What if some of them took a more logical approach to capturing Harry while he still lived at 4 Privet Drive?

They could go down to the Records Department within the WEA and found everything they needed to know about Lily Evans including siblings. From there they could write a letter, affix a tracking charm then mail it to Petunia. Dumbledore may have had an owl redirect tied to Harry's name but I doubt he had anything on Petunia and Vernon.

Once their address was obtained, the Death Eaters could either stake out the house and watch for the occupants routines then strike when they were out of the house OR Imperious a muggle to go in and retrieve the boy.

If capture wasn't their highest priority, the Death Eaters could capture memories of what the condition Harry was in (depending on how the Dursleys are written) and sent them into the Daily Prophet and/or Wizengamot to discredit Albus' repeated claims that the boy was doing fine and safe away from the magical community.

After getting a preview of what Magical Britain is like (through their own separate shopping trips and in Harry's case, Petunia's memory of what Lily said); both kids independently get a tutor and books before Sept 1st to learn at least some of the customs and etiquette of the Victorian era (which is where I think that society stopped developing at) and completely blow the minds of the magically-raised as they're shown what happens when the older generation (Dumbledore) thinks they know best. Hostilities are eased and a greater understanding is reached between both sides of the magical divide.

Language of Flowers

Dining etiquette

Dancing

Letter writing

Verbal communication

A mini scene for something.

Hermione knows that Harry loves puns, innuendos and myriad of other jokes so it was during one weekend in 3rd year she decided to start a row with him.

Neville was looking for Harry. He checked all of his usual haunts but came up empty. Noticing Lavender and Parvati obsessing over gossip magazines, he figured they might know.

"Lavender? Do you know where Harry is?" Whatever response he'd been expecting, a somber glance between the two wasn't it. "What happened?"

Parvati sighed, "They've been rowing all afternoon. At least that's what Hermione said she was planning on doing."

"Where are they?" Neville croaked.

"The lake, last I heard."

Neville raced down to the lake but skidded to a halt at the sound of their joined laughter. Curious and altogether dumbfounded, he spies the pair in a canoe splashing and playing around happily before setting off down the line, singing a childish song.

Neville crept closer then facepalmed as the singing became clear, "Arrrgh...I should've remembered! Harry loves those dumb jokes."

Out over the water he heard, "Row, row, row your boat..."

Beginning of 4th year before the two visiting schools arrive.

Draco spotted Hermione entering an abandoned classroom carrying a large duffel bag one day. He hoped to get her in trouble for being out of bounds. As he snuck in closer, he could hear the sounds of something being struck over and over. Peeking into the room, his mouth drops open, his eyes grow wide, and his face pales even more than normal and the front of his trousers get 'suspiciously' wet..

Gloved fists flying, Hermione pummels a weighted bag hanging from the ceiling. Her eyes practically glowing from internal fire. A snarling, toothy grin is clear on her face as she beats the living daylights out of the helpless bag. Every thumping punch causes him to wince and his nose ache. Draco hears something from behind him and whirls to face the interloper.

Harry is standing there with a knowing smirk on his face as he leans in and whispers dangerously, "Just wait until your father hears about this..."

AU Prisoner of Azkaban

After the run-in with the Dementors on the train 3rd year, Harry was rendered comatose and unable to communicate with the outside world. Lying alone in the infirmary, he pleads to Spirit of Hogwarts and Hecate, the Goddess of Magic to help him. They hear his pleas and grant him his wish to be free of the shackles that bind him.

One problem, they took him a bit too literally. He's now a free-floating poltergeist like Peeves (but without the insanity and penchant for chaos.) He's able to interact with the physical world but he cannot leave his body for very long or go very far away. At the end of each 24 hour day, he must spend 8 hours in contact with his physical form.

He tries to make the most of his situation by still going to classes, hanging out with his friends but as the year progresses, everyone but Hermione, Luna and Neville abandon him. Even Dumbledore has given up hope that he might pull out of it.

It was late one night when Harry discovers the secret of why Dumbledore has been so interested in his life. The Prophecy, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, everything... He figures that since his "death," there shouldn't be much to hold him back anymore.

It's time for the Spirit of the Potters to rise up and regain control of his Destiny!

Set during 3rd year. This Harry was raised by his parents who managed to survive Halloween 1981.

Severus Snape was in a foul mood as usual and taking it out on Harry, again as usual. The snide remarks, snarling insults and repeatedly telling him that he's just an arrogant boy with delusions of grandeur.

Harry finally had enough and so during dinner one evening, steps up to the Teacher's Table and introduces himself to Severus.

"Potions Master Snape, my name is Harry Potter. Can you say "Ha-er-ree?"

"What are you playing at?" Severus growled at him.

Harry crossed his arms contemptuously, "Well professor, you seem to be laboring under the mistaken belief that my name is James and while I do look like him, my temperament is more closely aligned to my mother. Do try to remember that the next time you decide to hassle me over some perceived slight, will you? You of all people should remember what she's like when someone got on her bad side."

Severus paled and started sweating, especially when he saw Harry's eyes start glowing in a manner eerily reminiscent of the legendary Evans' temper.

Set during 5th year.

Minerva and a couple of the other senior staff come upon a crowd of students encircling Harry and Draco, both of whom were loudly insulting each other. While not unusual since they're normally at each others throats; this time is strangely...different. It takes them a few minutes to realize that both are grinning...

"You look like something I drew with my left hand," snarked Harry.

"Only a fool would believe that you're the Chosen One. Oh look, there's our fool now!" Draco sneered back.

"I would call you a worthless sack of shit, but even a sack of shit can be used as fertilizer and serve some purpose!"

Draco nodded haughtily, "Impressive, did you get Granger to write that for you? Did she remember to use small words?"

"Oh please, quit thinking you're all that, you aren't even all there!"

On and on it went, utterly mystifying the adults while the crowd was egging them on. Filius partially turned to Minerva, "What's going on? Aren't you going to break them up?"

Minerva looked helpless and gestured widely, "I can't! There's no physical or magical altercation and what's weirder is they seem to be enjoying themselves!"

Hermione appeared a moment later, her eyes twinkling with mirth at the look of confusion on the adults' faces, "Don't worry about this, professors. They're in the middle of a contest to see who can insult the other the best. If you wish to join in on the betting, the Weasley Twins are running the book. Odds are on Harry to win."

Umbridge tried to intervene but was "urged" not to comment by an expedient and silent use of a stunning spell by Pansy Parkinson who sniffed disdainfully and glared down at the vile creature, "Ugly arsed Toad," She turned back to the face-off, "You will not interfere with my Draco's fun."

She caught Hermione's eye and discreetly gave the bushy-haired Gryffindor a thumbs up.

(From Yvette Hobbs):

With a speculative look on her face, Minerva turned to Filius.

"Well, Filius, are you going to ask those red headed menaces what the odds are, or should I? By the way, between us, I have ten galleons that says Mr. Potter will end up saying something that would in any other circumstances cause Mr. Malfoy to say 'my father will hear about this'."

"No bet, Minerva; I'm not head of Ravenclaw for nothing. I WILL however, bet you ten galleons that if and when Dolores wakes up, not only will she start demanding that everyone involved be expelled, but that she'll refer to 'Dear Cornelius' at least four times in five minutes."

"On the 'Dear Cornelius' I'll take that bet, but I say she'll use that reference at least six times in the same time frame."

Off to the side, the Weasley twins, overhearing the conversation, pull out a fresh piece of parchment to start a new betting pool.

As a joke, Harry pairs up with Hermione and surprisingly, Draco Malfoy to pull a prank on the school and by extension, the Ministry.

What they come up with is called, "The Dumbledore Curse." It's rumored to be a Dark spell on par with the Cruciatus Curse.

When asked what the effects are, Draco replies, "When hit, it causes the victim to waffle on for hours while saying absolutely nothing of value thereby distracting your aggressor into leaving out of sheer frustration. The only way to lift it is to suck on a full mouthful of lemon drop candies."

Sixth year and Dobby has intercepted a Love Potion laced package intended for Harry and one for Hermione. After analyzing what the trigger is and being disgusted that they were to be used in a plot devised by Molly Weasley to ensnare the Potter Heir and diminishing Hermione by forcing her to marry Ron and live in obscurity; the pair decides to fight back.

They swap the gift tags and make a big scene of "eating" the tainted treats before getting "wild." Hermione pursues Ginny while Harry pursues Ron, telling all and sundry what he's gonna do to his "sweet, hunk of carrot meat."

Surprisingly, Ginny not all that opposed to being pursued by Hermione. It turns out that she knew nothing of the potion plot and is secretly bi-curious, having already a couple of trysts with Luna Lovegood and a couple of her dorm mates.

Meanwhile, Ron is horrified and disgusted with what's going on and blurts out that this wasn't what his mother wanted! Thinking he was alone, he goes over the plan again out loud while standing nearby under the Invisibility cloak and disillusioned is Harry, Minerva, Arthur Weasley and Director Bones...

The fallout is louder than one of Molly's legendary Howlers.

It's Valentine's day, 6th year and someone has sent Hermione a Howler!

Normally, this would indicate bad news and frankly, something she expects from the sheep-minded magical masses; especially Molly Weasley after Hermione publicly humiliated Ronald for being such a misogynistic weasel expecting to take a share of the fame in defeating Voldemort when all he did was cower in the corner and wet himself yet proclaiming to all and sundry that it was he who came to her rescue!

The nondescript owl fluttered down and released its load then flew away. Resigned, Hermione tapped on the envelope.

It burst open and began to yell out in Harry's voice with a rocking musical background, "IF YOU WANT MY BODY AND YOU THINK I'M SEXY, COME ON BABY LET ME KNOW!!"

"Someone" managed to charm the House Point Counters," remarked Harry with a leading look at Hermione as he settled onto the couch next to her one afternoon.

Perplexed, she shook her head, "Wasn't me. Why? What happens?"

"Whenever someone, like the professors or prefects, disciplines the Weasley Twins, one of the four Houses gets the points added to or deducted from randomly."

Hermione's eyebrows furrowed, "That's bizarre. Any idea who did the charm work?"

"I have an idea. The question is how long it'll take everyone to figure out who it is and how to unravel the spell."

"I'm guessing a basic spell canceling won't work?"

Harry grinned, "If it's whom I think it was? Not even close..."

There's a reason why you don't anger a Highland witch.

It was the summer after 6th year as Hermione and Harry were making plans for the upcoming Horcrux Hunt that something tickled at her memory. She makes a comment that they should learn from Dumbledore's mistakes and ask for help. Curious, Harry agrees so she takes them both to visit Minerva.

Hermione explains the problems they've encountered and how something tickled her memory regarding the elder witch. Minerva had a knowing smirk teasing the corners of her mouth and a war-building glint in her eyes.

"Aye, I do know of a thing or two. I was wondering when ye both would figure this out. Follow me." She leads them to her old office and hands them an ancient book from her personal bookshelf.

"That's the Clan McGonagall Grimoire. While it will not let you read it on your own," she took the book back and laid it on the table, "I will let you read it while I pack. Do try to hurry."

Hermione had a puzzled expression, "But I thought..."

Minerva smirked (actually smirked!), "Normally, no but it does happen if the Head of the Family gives permission. That's me so get going."

Three hours later, they found the answer.

Hermione creates a new hex to use on the Death Eaters during combat.

"Sordida Digitus = Dirty Fingers"

Recreates the feeling of someone jamming a stick up their ass. Extremely distracting if not painful. Used in conjunction with the hex Harry created to use against Bellatrix (vibrating knickers.)

Wand motion is a single upward jabbing movement.

Transfiguration class, 3rd year.

Both Harry and Hermione enter the room looking the worse for wear, as if both had been fighting. Neville Longbottom is bringing up the rear laughing his butt off. Minerva swoops down on the pair demanding to know what happened.

Hermione made a chagrined grimace, "Don't ever tickle Harry Potter, professor."

Minerva's eyes went wide as her nostrils flared and spun on Harry, "You assaulted her because she tickled you?!"

Harry was still massaging his jaw and shook his head; a loud crack in his neck was heard, "Ugh, no professor."

"Professor, if I may?" Neville interrupted, his laughter subsided to mere occasional snorts. "Hermione snuck up on Harry from behind and tickled him. He jumped forward both from the surprise and the tickling and went face first into the bookcase by the fireplace. Hermione got whacked by Harry as he stumbled back. She in turn end up flipping backwards over the couch and landing in a plate of leftover chicken salad discarded from who knows when. She tried to stand, slipped on the chicken salad and was flung into Harry and they both tripped over Crookshanks and landed in the ashes of last night's fire."

The flabbergasted expression on Minerva's face was priceless.

The Hunt is ON! Harry, Hermione and their team of researchers, enforcers and Luna gather together and search the world for the authors of this fandom's fiction stories who start a story but never finish them. The hunters track down and cast compulsion charms and even the Imperius Curse to force these delinquents to get off their butts, clear some time out of their daily lives and get back to writing!

An ultimatum is given, "If you do not post within the next month, all of your accounts will be deleted. Write like your literary lives depend on it!"

There's mass panic as authors dive back into their homes and cower in the corner with their teddy bears, blankies and suck their thumbs.

As a prank, Harry has Dobby steal some of Minister Fudge's official stationary and writes an announcement to be published in the Daily Prophet:

"Citizens of Magical Britain! I, Minister for Magic Cornelius Oswald Fudge, am holding a talent show starting (author picks the date, maximum of two days from the start of the story) here in the Ministry Atrium. The judges shall be myself, Senior Undersecretary Dolores Umbridge and Lord Lucius Malfoy. Grand prize winners shall receive an all expense paid vacation to (author picks luxurious location) and 2000 Galleons of spending money."

Included below is the usual disclaimer that Ministry workers and their families not eligible.

The Ministry is flooded with hopefuls and causes absolute chaos for Fudge and his Toad.

Hermione is dying laughing while the Weasley Twins prostrate themselves chanting, "We are not worthy!"

Set during a lazy afternoon during 3rd year. Harry and Hermione are lounging in the Gryffindor common room with their friends.

"One of many things I've noticed and wondered about is why magicals go to such lengths hiding magical locations from the muggles? Saint Mungo's for example, is hidden behind the illusion of an abandoned department store; one that the locals constantly whine about it never being open."

Hermione made a noise of agreement, "Right? Wouldn't it make more sense to disguise it as the one place no one would care to inquire about? Why not make the hospital look like an industrial park or a military or governmental installation? Something that your average citizen wouldn't think twice about."

"Another example is King's Cross station," he continued after giving her nose a playful tap with his finger, "Why go through the hassle of dodging people in one of the busiest train stations with a hidden barrier and platform when it has to be just as easy to build their own station and facilities?"

Conversation and armchair philosophy ebbed and flowed in response to their observations.

5th year during Harry's Occulmency lessons, our intrepid teen finally figures out how to guard his mind from intrusions and how to redirect attention from what he guards.

His distraction? A pole dancing, strip-teasing voluptuous Bellatrix LeStrange (when she was younger, of course.) The distraction is so smooth and erotic that any invader would quickly lose interest in searching anything else.

The question is WHY? Why use her of all people doing that? Well for one, Harry saw a picture of her during her teenage years and agreed that she had so much potential. Second, Harry knows that no one is capable of looking away from a beautiful woman dancing and getting naked. Third, it was a suggestion by Fleur Delacour. She was the one who helped him lay the foundations for this particular distraction by giving him and Hermione that very same dance followed by a particularly raunchy night (and following morning) of sex.

When Harry got a hold of Tom Riddle's Diary in Second year, he got an idea. Rather than personally writing in the Diary and therefore imbuing a bit of himself (sweat through the skin, dandruff, whatever) on its pages; he uses a Dicta-Quill to write his questions. He wondered what would happen if a book that actively absorbed ink and wrote back were communicated with using a non-personal method. Would the Diary realize that it wasn't a person doing the writing? Would that prevent that weird feeling of someone/thing try to push itself into his mind?

He remembered that rare bit of useful advice/warning from Ron, "Sometimes, you'll run across something that has a mind of its own and you would do well to guard yourself from it." 'Well, maybe not in so many words,' Harry mused lightly, 'But that was the intent.'

Harry's curious attempt pays off as the Diary answers his questions but without that strange pressing feeling of something trying invade his mind. Emboldened by his success; he manages to get more information out of the Diary than the entity was prepared to give all because the Horcrux was confused. When Harry learns that Tom Riddle is actually Voldemort and that Magical Britain is terrified of an anagram; he takes the book and his findings to the one person he knows he can trust to do the right thing, his best male friend's (Neville Longbottom) uncle; Director of the DoM Saul Croaker.

Hermione is trying describe the differences between the architecture she and Harry's friends are seeing the first time they venture into the muggle world but for the life of her, she just can't get the point across. Harry suggests that she try to use terms that they're already familiar with.

Just as she's about ready to launch into another one of her legendary single breath epic lectures, Harry quips, "It's easy to remember. Dwarves are Art Deco, Elves are Art Nouveau."

It's around November of first year and Hermione is struck with a moment of inspiration after observing her dorm mates Lavender and Parvati obsessing over gossip magazines one afternoon. Curious, she had picked up a discarded issue and thumbed through it only to come to the realization that these rags were nothing like the teen magazines she could find in bookshops and grocery stands.

She writes home and requests a sampling of the current issues. When they arrive, she approaches the giggling girls and shows them what teen magazines are like from a muggle perspective. Both Lavender and Parvati are astounded and bemoan the lack of quality of content that magical magazines have in comparison.

Now for Hermione's inspiration; what if the three of them joined forces with other like minds in the school and publish their own magazine? Content would cover everything that an up and coming Hogwartian needs to know (makeup, test prep, light-hearted gossip, fashion trends, tips and tricks of navigating the castle, a regular column on understanding wizarding etiquette and customs, etc.)

By the time that 5th year rolls around, "Hogwarts Life" is a regular publication and so popular that when Umbridge tries to ban it, the whole castle population revolts.

What if the Fidelius Charm put on the Potter Cottage was all just a lie cooked up by Dumbledore? The charm is supposedly obscure, so much that Lily (and later Hermione) had never heard of it. What if during the application, Albus merely hit Sirius with a silent Confundus charm to "blank" his memory before it was told to him?

Hermione discovers the truth of this lie after poking around the ward structure and finding a book on the charm in the private library of Grimmauld Place during the summer before 5th year. Curious, she questions Sirius about his memory of the application as well as the aftermath.

Later, Hermione presents her theories and even casts the charm herself on a trunk within the manor and discovers the real reason why the DEs and others can't find the manor is because it's unplottable not that it's hidden from anyone's memories. She takes this information to Remus, Sirius and Harry who jointly agree that Albus can no longer be trusted and begin to make contingency plans.

It's because of these plans that Sirius is over at Remus' place when Harry contacts him. Since Kreacher's not there to lie to Harry, the distraught teen never goes to the Ministry to retrieve the prophecy and Sirius never dies at the wand of Bellatrix. Sirius and Remus are then able to assist in the Horcrux Hunt while Harry and Hermione are still in school and bring down Voldemort far sooner than canon.

Project Runway: Hogwarts Edition

Hermione went a different route at the start of first year. Instead of walling herself off from her room mates, she took the time and effort to include herself into their conversations. Thanks to this, she's able to understand the vagaries of magical fashion and apparel manufacturing.

Fast forward a couple of years and Hermione shows up to school 6th year wearing 1996 era muggle fashion. Harry's brain throws a rod as he starts to drool while the school's female population start a riot demanding a change in dress code. 

Harry comes to Hogwarts armed with a list of businesses owned and operated by Squibs and Muggleborns. With Hermione's and the Weasley Twins' help, they figure out how to bypass the security restrictions on the Gryffindor fireplace.

Why the list of businesses? Well, when there's a post-game party or it's the start of study season; Harry can call one of them up and order a stack of pizzas and drinks to share with everyone. Someone needs an emergency replacement of something, better call Harry.

Who else read the post and thought of Harry as the Hogwarts version of 'Red' from the movie The Shawshank Redemption? LOL If they'd heard of her, I can ABSOLUTELY see the older year male students asking Harry to get them posters of Rita Hayworth or Raquel Welsh!

Neville comes up to Harry in the halls, "I understand you're the guy who knows how to get things."

Harry glances askance at him, "Yeah, I've been known to locate some things from time to time."

(Yvette Maxwell): I'm thinking it would be more the Weasley twins that approach him.

"We were wondering if you could get us some boomslang skin."

"What is it and why?" Harry asks, eyebrow raised.

"Why do you care?"

"Well, if it was something like a new pot of ink, I wouldn't ask questions, I'd just quote a price, but then, a pot of ink is a not potentially lethal object, now is it?"

Post war.

How would Harry and the rest of Magical Britain deal with being under constant quarantine, lockdown and all the other crap we've had to put up with during the Covid pandemic?

Ron pulls his usual shit of Confunding people so he can be first in line to get the supplies he needs.

Harry and Hermione figure out how to set up Zoom meetings so their kids can still can a resemblance of an education as well as face time with grandma and grandpa Granger. They're then requested to demonstrate this new communication method to the rest of their friends.

Fred and George Weasley develop "Anti-Panic Soothing Distractions" that act as a sort of aerosol Calming Draught (ref what PTSD sufferers use when a trigger is hit.)

Filius, Minerva and the other teachers hold remote classes free of charge during the early days of the pandemic (Petunia regularly takes part and is eventually hired as the Muggle Studies teacher for the magically-raised.)

Poppy Pomfrey blatantly disregards the SoS to lend centuries of accumulated magical knowledge and medical treatment in the search for the cure.

While on the other hand, Draco, Pansy, and the rest of the surviving Dark families act like "those people" by hoarding supplies, running a black market and spreading misinformation.

Lord Voldemort manages to full possess Ginny Weasley and kills her. He smiles wickedly and takes one more step towards regaining his control over Wizarding Britain. There's just one thing he forgot when making the decision to take over the host.

Nature can still be a vindictive bitch...

Now trapped in a girl's body, Lord Voldemort has to deal with ALL of the biological functions including PMS, cramps, bloating, puberty, strange interests in boys (and the occasional girl) and more.

How can the reborn Dark Lord survive being a Dark Witch? How could he not have known this might happen? How would she look in that oh-so-cute lace skirt and pink and white top?

(Yvette Hobbs): Well, Riddle might be even MORE evil/Dark now that the possession of Ginny is complete. There's a REASON Rudyard Kipling said, "For the female of the species is more deadly than the male". Now the only fly in the ointment is how does Riddle deal with an overbearing Mum like Molly?

(Me): The best punishment of all! "I'm going to rule the world!"

"Ginny, stop talking nonsense and go degnome the garden."

(Yvette Hobbs): Just think, "Ginny" breaking some rule at school and one of the boys writing Molly. "Ginny" might beat the Twins' record for number of Howlers,

"GINEVRA WEASLEY! WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU SNEAKING OUT OF THE DORMS AFTER CURFEW WITH A SLYTHERIN?? I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED WITH YOU! YOUR FATHER AND I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT! IF YOU DON'T BUCK UP AND START BEHAVING MORE LIKE A LADY, YOUR FATHER AND I WILL PULL YOU HOME!"

(Me): After the 5th Howler in two days, "Ginny" starts researching ways to bring back the original soul. "Better to exist as a disembodied wraith in Albania than put up with that harpy. I wonder if I should set up a scholarship for the girl too as way of an apology?"

(Yvette Hobbs): He might even start thinking to leave Harry alone, since it's obvious Molly is trying to make sure Harry becomes her son in law.

"Nothing I can do to the boy will be worse than having THAT witch as a mother in law the rest of his life"

Post war and Harry has come up with a brilliant idea to revamp the History of Magic curriculum. Why not hire someone who is capable of living forever like a vampire, for example?

Minerva and the other senior staff are wary, not really wanting to subject the students to such a potentially dangerous creature. All sorts of questions were thrown at Harry like: What would the vampire eat? Could they resist the temptation of having so many potential targets within arm's reach?

That was their position until she showed up for the interview. The woman was appropriately dressed, displayed exemplary behavior and had impeccable references. She held her hand out to greet them, "Hello, my name is Hermione..."

Set during the Death Eater Trials just after the end of the First Blood War.

Director of the DMLE Barty Crouch was anxious to get the trials underway but Albus and Bagnold were pressuring him to let certain DEs to slide, "upstanding citizens who were Imperioused" or some such rot. He knows (and growls sulphourously at) the law that exempts purebloods from being forced to take Veritaserum. A flash of inspiration hits him. He knows EXACTLY how to get the guilty to confess their sins...

At the Trials...

"Bring in the accused!" Four men were led in wearing shackles around their wrists and ankles as well as sneers of contempt on their faces. This was going to be a cakewalk.

Crouch had a indecipherable glint in his eyes, "Ordinarily, we would use Veritaserum in cases like this but since that despicable exemption became law, I've been forced to use alternate means. Aurors, Bring our Interrogator in!"

The four accused (and the audience) started getting uneasy; you could almost HEAR the capitalization of the word "Interrogator."

Stepping into the courtroom, two Aurors escorted the Interrogator...Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts; She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. The one who even Bellatrix Lestrange would hesitate to tangle with. Legend had it that if she narrowed her eyes at you; you could FEEL your soul being weighed.

Stepping up to the podium, she turned and faced the accused; her eyes narrowing dangerously as she swept her gaze across the four before her. In her thick Scottish brogue, she growled at the one sitting before her, "Let's begin, shall we?"

First up was (author's choice)...

Not quite Harmony but can you imagine the excitement pouring off Hermione and the growing interest from Harry as they take part in this revamped class?

Professor Argus Filch?

Set around 3rd year.

Minerva was walking along the corridors overseeing the students as they made their way to their classes when she came across Harry chatting up a couple of other boys from Gryffindor House. Her keen ears picked up their joint complaints about how useless Binns was and that everyone just used the time to nap or work on other projects.

"Honestly, I'd bet that Filch would be a better professor than Boring Binns."

That got Minerva curious; would it be better? She knew that the caretaker had a muggle degree in something history-related so he must have some knowledge and teaching ability if those muggle requirements were anything like their magical counterparts. She sought out Argus and found him in his workshop.

"Argus, I have a question. Did that degree you earned have a teaching component in it?"

Argus just continued his fine repair on a painting, "Aye, what of it?"

"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to try being our history professor instead of caretaker."

Argus paused as his eyes shifted to where she stood, "You want me to teach history of magic?"

Minerva shrugged, "If I recall correctly, your degree was in history."

Argus grunted, "Art history."

Minerva waved that aside, "It still works. So, how about it? You want to give it a try?"

Argus finally stopped, put down his brush and contemplated his nominal boss, "Aye, we can try it. Maybe start slowly with a weekend class to see if everyone approves and can handle the work?"

That evening...

At dinner, Minerva stood to address the school, "Students, it is my great pleasure to announce that we are trying out a new professor for history of magic. Starting this coming Saturday, your new professor will be Argus Filch!"

Only a lone, slow confused clap was heard as disbelieving faces stared back at her. Smirking conspiratorially, she had Argus give an impromptu introduction.

Argus rose to his feet and cleared his throat, "Magic. The mere mention of the word conjures up a wide variety of emotions and stirs the very essence of what makes us, us... But where did it come from? Who were the first users of magic? How did they lay the foundation toward everything we recognise and use today? In my class, we will be taking that walk back through history to listen to the old stories, to see and experience what it meant to be...magical."

His voice was smooth and sinuous, it drew you in and left you craving more. More than one student found themselves on the edge of their seats as they listened to his speech.

History of Magic would never be the same; not with Professor Argus Filch leading the way!

Possible scene for 4th year.

Fleur Delacour is not having a good time no thanks to her Veela Allure and the effects it has on the British boys. Then she notices that Harry Potter doesn't seem to be affected and it sparks her curiosity (though she remains outwardly aloof.)

Harry is not as thick headed and oblivious as one would think. He approaches Fleur one day after the First Task and introduces himself. "Miss Delacour, it has come to my attention that you seem to think that your Veela Allure is causing problems with these idiotic British boys. Well, I've got news for you; it's not JUST your Allure, some of them really ARE that stupid." Fleur and her friends giggle. "Now, I happen to know of a boy who would love you no matter what, he'd be eternally loyal and never spread lies and tales about you."

Intrigued, Fleur says she'd like to meet said boy.

With a sly grin, Harry pulls out a puppy and hands him over to her. Fleur starts blushing while her friends are dying laughing. As they settle, Harry invites them all to join him and some of his friends at the Gryffindor table for tea and conversation.

Harry (holding his latest Transfiguration test): Shit, I'm so nervous about this Acceptable I got on my test.

Neville (patting him consolingly on the shoulder): I'm sure your guardians will understand.

Harry (shaking his head in growing fear): You don't understand; it's not the Dursleys I'm afraid of... It's Hermione.

Lily Potter is generally considered to be the brightest witch of her Age, right? So how could she have been so stupid to let Albus dictate what was best for her family?

Albus had finished telling James and Lily about the Fidelius Charm and leaves them to discuss it. Lily dives into research mode and figures out how to layer the enchantments instead of making it an all or nothing effect.

To that end, she creates amulets for them to wear that will effectively make them nondescript to the general public.

Level 1: Everyone not in the know will treat them just another faceless person in a crowd.

Level 2: General Friends get the next level of access wherein they'll recognize the faces but can't place the names.

Level 3: Close friends who swear by Veritaserum get the third level of access wherein they know everything. It's during the Veritaserum interrogation that they discover Peter's duplicity.

Emergency: Immediately wipes all knowledge of their existence from the minds of everyone. All previous access is rescinded, including Albus' original Fidelius Charm.

Two things that Lily "programs" into the amulets is the ability to switch between levels of access and to require administrator permission before other applications of the original Fidelius Charm can be set. This is done to protect themselves against Albus' manipulations (James began noticing odd things about the whole creation and rise of Voldemort, Dumbledore and Grindelwald.) She and James have remote access to change the accessibility of the Levels.

Halloween 1981 arrives and the events of that night take a completely different turn...

Set during 5th year

After hearing the Prophecy and Dumbledore's insane explanation that he needs to face him in combat; Harry starts wondering "What defines 'Combat?'"

Harry decides to take a chance and sends a copy of the Prophecy along with his ideas for combat to Voldemort. "The outcome would be the same as if we were throwing spells. There can only be one winner..."

Options:

All night high-stakes poker tournament

High-stakes chess tournament

Recreate the Three Tasks from the TWT

8 hour History class with Binns

Rap Battle

Battle of the Bands

Trivia Tournament

The Toad Trod Upon

Set during 5th year

Hermione's had enough of Umbridge's reign of terror against herself, Harry and the rest of the school. She finds herself sitting quietly in front of the Gryffindor fireplace one evening and begins to formulate how to deal with the horrid woman in ways that would give a Dementor nightmares. Nothing illegal per se but definitely memorable.

Everyone has always said Hermione Jean Granger was the brightest witch of her Age; maybe it's time to show them why...

Options: Silently cast diffindos at random body parts in an empty hallway or only when members of the Inquisitorial Squad are nearby. (Everything from light papercut injuries to a medium gash across her neck just above/below the jugular.)

Flood the floor with water and cast a Lightning hex to give a shock. Intensity and duration varies.

Simple food poisoning using expired ingredients.

Medicine poisoning by replacing any medicinal potions with placebos or expired versions.

Cast a Petrifying Curse then affix a rune set to keep her that way indefinitely then glamour charm her into a lawn ornament.

In the story "The Hogwarts Blog" by TwiLyghtSansSparkles (FFN); there's a bit where Harry renames YKW to...Phil.

Set during 6th year.

The resulting hilarity inspires others to come up with their own ridiculous name for the Dark Lord. Names run the gamut; split along House lines, gender and which world you were born in (muggle/magical.)

This little bit of defiance is just what everyone needs to stave off the impending darkness.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Post war and Harry has found an elf-sized trunk amongst his own stuff in Grimmauld Place. Upon opening it, he discovers a treasure trove of journals written by Dobby; the earliest dates were during the turn of the century (1900) and the last entry the morning of his rescuing of Harry, Hermione, and the others in Malfoy Manor.

(Ref. The Chamber of Contemplative Musings: Dobby’s Tale: Not All Heroes Wear Capes)

Hermione creates the 'Acme charm.' Casting it will randomly summon an anvil, piano, large boulder, or metal block weighing x number of tons to drop on top of a stationary target, usually with a cartoon road runner speeding by sometime after the crash.

Acme = Greek; "akmi;" highest quality/point

Age 15, During the summer before 5th year Harry storms into Gringotts carrying a scroll. Someone yells out, "What are you doing here, The-Boy-Who-Lied?"

Harry narrows his eyes and growls back, "I just waded through an Alley full of stupid just to get to the last bastion of intelligence and civilization to deliver this message from the Ministry of Pomposity" A few Goblins were seen grinning. Harry unfurled the scroll and began to read, "I, Harry James Potter, on behalf of the Ministry, do hereby proclaim that all members of the Goblin Nation to henceforth return to their homes and shag like bunnies for a week. Failure to do so will be construed as a Declaration of War. Failure to get your mates pregnant at the end of said week shall also be considered a Declaration of War."

There was a moment of stunned silence before someone let out a strangled whine which devolved into all the Goblins hooting and cheering.

Harry bows theatrically and steps up to an available teller with a smug expression on his face. The teller can't stop snorting in laughter as he processes Harry's transaction.

From IJN_Gensui (Ao3):

I can see it now...Albus arrives at the 'Next Great Adventure', only to find out it's Not So Great.

ALBUS: *Sees Tom sitting around a table with two other men* Tom? What's going on? Where am I?

TOM: *Looks up with barely a reaction* Oh, hello Albus...they got you too, eh? Welcome to what those Muggle creatures call Purgatory.

ALBUS: Purgatory? But...but I've done so much for the Light! Why was I sent here? *Mutters to himself* Surely there's been a mistake...

TOM: *Rolls his eyes* Question it all you want, Albus...it'll do you no good. Now, be a good boy and make a fourth at bridge, will you?

ALBUS: *Sits down at the table* Well, I suppose a rubber or two would pass the time until I can get things straightened out...

TOM: *Smiles falsely* Excellent! Oh, I'd like you to meet these two gents from the Muggle side of things...this is Ivan (Ivan the Terrible) and Adolf.

ALBUS: *Smiles* Pleasure.

*The two men glower at him and nod stiffly*

TOM: *Whispers* Don't mention Russia...one used to rule it and the other tried taking it and failed miserably. *sing-song voice* Awkward~...

 7th year Battle of Hogwarts. As Hermione is defending the door to the RoR so Harry can locate the Diadem, he has a wild thought and asks for the room’s help to bring the magical world’s greatest heroes to aid them. There is a pulse of light along one wall and when it clears, not only are the four Founders standing there but also every member of the Potter family, Black family and the original 3 Peverells.

Pranking Hogwarts

(Assume that Voldemort was severely incapacitated in a botched resurrection ritual that left him permanently stunted into his flayed homunculus form at a Squib power level. The Death Eaters are disorganized after witnessing this and are infighting amongst themselves.)

5th year and Hermione shows up with a noticeable baby bump! That's right, she's 12 weeks pregnant and starting to show but who is the father? Well, Harry "says" it's him because it's the honorable thing to do for his best friend.

Well, given the Hogwarts Rumor Mill; it's not long before that "says" supposition becomes the "truth."

As time passes, so does her pregnancy. Taunts, whispers, disapproving looks and letters from Molly (who seems to think the baby is Ron's for some inexplicable reason) rain down upon them but neither care very much. The strangest thing about it all is the knowing smirk on Poppy Pomfrey's face. She knows the real truth and wholeheartedly approves.

About the 8th month, Hermione "discovers" some ancient texts about magical pregnancies and announces to the school that if the community continues to turn against her and her unborn child and if said child dies during birth; all of their magic is affected as well as it proves that none are worthy of the Gift.

The delivery date arrives and everyone is on tenterhooks. Poppy emerges from the delivery room with a sad look on her face and announces that the child didn't survive. Many of the students and staff faint, the rest rush to the bathrooms to throw up.

Just how much of their magic has been affected? Well, according to those ancient texts; it depends on how much negativity was displayed by the person. Anywhere up to 50% of their available magic is not unheard of.

The Healers from St Mungo's are brought in for consultation but their scans are not promising; some already show signs of "losing" their magic (they purposely single out Dolores, Ron, Crabbe, Goyle and Seamus.)

At the Granger's house after school lets out Harry, a clearly never been pregnant Hermione, Sirius, Remus, Poppy and her parents are celebrating the results of the most epic prank ever devised.

AU in which Hermione gets Crookshanks a year early.

After the Polyjuice Incident and while Hermione is in the hospital, Crookshanks stops in to keep her company.

Surprisingly, she's now able to understand his meowing. He tells her that the rat that belongs to the redhead is not what it seems to be along with some other stories he's heard from the other cats in the school.

This leads her to speak with Minerva and convinces the elder Scot to investigate the rat. Peter is captured early and this sets off a larger investigation.

Because of a bout of accidental magic at age 5, Harry was transformed into a kitten. Oh, he was still able to speak and do all the things a normal 5 year old was able to do but he just looked like a anthropomorphic kitten. Petunia was rightly at her wits end because she couldn't contact anyone to put him back to rights thanks to the blind idiocy of Albus Dumbledore, who said in his condescending letter how he set things up so no one from the magical world would bother them until it was time for Harry to go to Hogwarts.

When Harry turned 7, they got a new neighbor in the form of the Grangers. Dan and Emma had a daughter slightly older than Harry but what made her really special was that she is a kitten too! The two kittens became fast friends and spent all their free time learning about their future lives as feline humanoids (finding the best sunny windowsills, hairballs, chasing toys, play fighting with each other, speaking and understanding cat, going into heat, navigating the non-magical world, etc.)

By the time that Hermione got her letter and visit from McGonagall, both were fluent in the feline language and well read in everything they could get their hands on. Minerva was naturally surprised and infuriated with Albus' stupidity regarding Harry. She offered to take the pair to St. Mungo's to see if the transformations could be reversed but apparently it had been too long. Both kids were stuck.

Because of their feline natures, neither one fell for the heavy-handed manipulations of Albus as he tried in vain to get Harry to dance to his tune. The rest of the school population, with the exception of Draco and Ron, quickly became adjusted to having a pair of feline humanoids going to classes and making friends.

Lucius Malfoy, after being alerted to their condition by his son, works to pass legislation to have the pair classed as half-breeds and therefore expelled from the school. By the time he gets close; Harry and Hermione make plans to transfer to another school, one that is more progressive in its stance on students and education. They enter (pick a school other than MMA) and after only a week, write to their friends gushing with praise about their new school. The exodus starts as a trickle but soon becomes a torrent as the oppressed and disenfranchised muggleborns, half-bloods (and Neville) make the switch.

2nd year and Ginny Weasley dies from getting her soul drained by the diary. The newly reborn Dark Lord however doesn't survive long enough to cause trouble because during the time it took to make the switch, he lost control of the Basilisk which in turn killed her Master. She then goes back to sleep. The school is searched by the staff but no one can find her body or the Chamber. Albus never contacts the DMLE regarding the incident and compels the Weasleys to not speak about it. Luna Lovegood makes the switch to Harry and Hermione's school after being bullied one too many times.

3rd year and Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban. He first seeks out Harry who recognizes him for who he truly is (he still hisses in initial fear.) Sirius is surprised by Harry's appearance and life so far and is introduced to the Dursleys who convince him to contact Director Amelia Bones directly and meet on neutral ground to explain. Armed with Veritaserum and a pensieve, she easily clears his name and gets him the trial he should've had back in 81. Albus' reputation takes a major hit as a result (ref the rant on Pinterest headcanon about Albus being more interested in saving Severus than Sirius.)

Horrified at losing control over The-Boy-Who-Lived, Albus starts his own convoluted plans to bring Harry back to Hogwarts. He sort of succeeds by 4th year and the Champion Selection Ceremony for the TWT. Unfortunately for him, the enchantments on the Goblet are quite clear in that it uses the magical signature of the person writing on the slip, NOT the name on the slip. Harry refuses to compete or attend. The deadline passes and he still has his magic which prompts an investigation into the allegations of fraud. This is the final nail in Albus' political coffin and he's unceremoniously removed from all of his offices, including headmaster.

Because Pettigrew had been captured and sent through the Veil back in 3rd year, Voldemort remains as a disembodied wraith in Albania. It's also around this time that Sirius takes Harry to have his scar examined since it still hasn't healed. After learning that it's a soul fragment and what it meant, the DoM is brought in to delve deeper into the mystery. The Unspeakables eventually mention that there supposedly exists a prophecy involving Harry and take him to listen to it. They eventually discover the secret existence of the Horcruxes and write up a contract with Harry to act as his hand to eradicate this threat.

Because Voldemort wasn't resurrected nor was Harry claiming he was, Umbridge really didn't become that much of a hassle, especially since Harry went to another school.

The Unspeakable Spectral Threat team discovered Albus' involvement with the history of Voldemort's Horcruxes as well as the creation of said Dark Lord when Albus chose then 11 year old orphan Tom Riddle to be his weapon to weed out those who would oppose the former's rise to power under the banner "For The Greater Good."

By the time that Harry graduates, the Unspeakables have him come to the DoM to dispose of everything through the Veil. He chucks all the Horcruxes through as well as Albus who leaves screaming that Voldemort will return and everyone will be sorry that they got rid of their one and only salvation from the Dark!

In the meantime back in Albania, as each Horcrux is sent through to the realm of Death; the Wraith of Lord Voldemort is undergoing his own torture as he can feel each piece of his soul dying before his spectral form decomposes and withers away into nothingness.

During the epilogue, Harry and Hermione graduate with honors, go onto university and become successful business owners (type of business tbd.) Hermione gets pregnant and has a pair of kittens of her own. Their friends and family have full and rewarding lives not marred by war, death and destruction.

(From Yvette Maxwell) Just a thought:

Bellatrix was Voldie's right hand in the DEs, and she was POSITIVE Voldie would be back, even after Halloween of 1981, and even while in Azkaban. Voldie gave her one of his horcruxes to keep safe. So what if she KNEW what it was he gave her, because the ritual to make a horcrux was something that the Black family had in its extensive library of Dark Arts books?

Now flash forward to the summer the OotP brings Harry and everyone else to 12 Grimmauld. And Hermione, after hearing Harry mutter about the 'weapon Voldie is supposed to be looking for', and how Harry saw Voldie come back from something that's less than a ghost, starts trying to put two and two together, and asks Sirius on the sly if the Blacks would have known how to cheat death, and maybe passed on how to Voldie. Sirius starts looking in the library at HQ, and comes across not only the method of how horcruxes are made (as well as finding Bellatrix's magical signature on the book, implying she knew about it, so may have passed the info to Voldie), but something DUMBLEDORE has been searching for since James and Lily died; a way to destroy a horcrux without destroying the container.

In a HP universe where the Light are Cats and the Dark are Snakes; Hairy Pawter is telling ghost stories to his Hogwarts Littermates. He tells them the story of a mythological terror from the past. It's capable of shrieking and eating at the same time, it has one glowing eye and moves without limbs. Even the name is terrifying...

"Beware of the Vac'Yoom!"

Both Harry and Hermione are standing in front of the British Museum of Natural History with evil grins on their faces as they turn towards the dino exhibits.

"Hermione? Would you care to do the honors?" Harry graciously offered.

She stood there for a moment tapping her chin, "Hmmm...tough decision; which one should I start with? How about Spinosaurus? Maybe the classic T-Rex?"

Constant Vigilance!

Instead of Hagrid finding Harry after the immolation of Voldemort in ‘81, it was Alistair “Mad-eye” Moody. He’s confronted by a distraught Sirius and rather than blindly following Dumbledore’s orders to bring the boy to him, Moody and Sirius head to a safe house to regroup and plan. Sirius later goes after Pettigrew but instead of the canon events, Moody defends the young man’s actions. The two eventually team up with Moony and the three decide to raise Harry in secrecy at Potter Manor with Moody as the Secret Keeper.

Fast forward ten years and a stronger, more wily Harry Potter reenters the magical world. He meets Hermione on the train and the two discover a shared passion for learning and a surprise passion for crime novels.

How does this affect things during the events of first year and beyond?

Detective Dobby and Little Moon Investigative Services! Specters, Ghosts and Monsters. No case is too small! Sorry, no infidelity cases.

Determined to put an end to Ginny's stalkerish behavior and Molly's intereference; Harry goes to make a deal with the devil.

He approaches Draco with the idea that the blonde hair teen start wooing the Weaslette in return for some legislation to be determined later. Harry explains that by doing this, it'll be like a dagger through the Weasley heart (which makes Draco smile) and while that is going on, Harry will console himself by being publicly shamed and throw himself into the "mudblood" Hermione's embrace.

The Weasley Twins get wind of what's being planned and are arching up to stop it when Harry lets slip that it's a complete prank on the Malfoys. He hints that forcing the Heads and their wives of both sides to be civil to each other in public will be hilarious.

Draco and Ginny are on board after being told the plans; each thinks this is a joint effort to prank the adults but after several months of "dating" begin to realize their love for each other.

In the meantime, Harry and Hermione are watching the action and sharing a nice quiet relationship.

During the infiltration of the Department of Mysteries during their Horcrux Hunt, Harry and Hermione somehow ended up back in time. Over 600 years specifically. With Hermione’s ability of eidetic recall, she remembers certain things about another famous couple from roughly this era, the Flamels.

Given what they know about the “rules” of time travel, the two investigate to see if the Flamels really exist or not. A bit more of a memory search of what she’s read about the supposed immortals leads the pair to realize that THEY are actually the legendary pair!

The two know they can’t alter world events since they know things have already happened but as Harry points out one evening, they CAN record it all and their explanations for their future selves.

How do they deal with Albus when he comes seeking an apprenticeship? The future knowledge of Grindlewald? Voldemort?

Dare they change things? What happens when they catch up to the moment they left?

During the tumult after the encounter with the two "rogue" Dementors the summer before 5th year, Harry decides to prank the Order for their failure in protecting him. The letters from Arthur Weasley, Sirius, et al start coming in so he sends one back acting all politely confused, explaining that these nice men from the government stopped by, waved some sticks in his face then vanished. Harry replies that he has no clue who any of them are and would greatly appreciate it if they'd stop writing him.

When the Order gets Harry's response, they go apeshit at the implication that Harry had his wand snapped and Obliviated of all memories of the magical world!

Curious, Hermione snatches the letter and reads it carefully before smirking. She pulls Remus and Sirius out of the room and demands that they use their Marauder senses to look past the obvious.

A quick bit of wand work and the message changes to: "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Both men cheer and weep that the Son of Prongs is still amongst them!

Plot device: Hermione, at the dare from Harry; enchants a Galleon along with a sticking charm and a notice-me-not. The enchantment causes the victim to tell the whole unvarnished, complete truth about anything asked of them. The caveat is that while everyone else hears the truth, the victim only hears the lies and half-truths they’re spinning.

Their first target? Albus Dumbledore.

Ever wonder why Minerva held Hermione and Harry in such high regards?

First year and Hermione arrives in the Gryffindor Common Room carrying a kitty in her arms whilst talking to it about everything she’s experienced so far. She plops down next to Harry and includes him in on the conversation. Shy secrets, hopes and fears are revealed; both kids completely unaware as to why Professor McGonnegal was treating them with such warmth the very next day.

Final Punishment:

Umbridge: permanently transfigured into a toad then dropped off at a muggle garden center.

Permanently turned into a toad and has to play real-life frogger against a horde of angry police cars over and over.

Post war and in honor of the long time services and love in the care and education of the students of Hogwarts, Harry, Hermione and several others team up to build Hagrid a proper home. They model it after several examples of "small" Scottish castles with a real kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and more. Luna and Neville even go so far as to "plant" a moat around the perimeter using blue and white flowers to represent water.

As they build, friendships are renewed, past fears and traumas are laid to rest and some secrets are revealed.

During the 2nd Blood War, Harry and Hermione craft an improved Animal Polyjuice that allows the user to transform into an animal for an hour (can be longer depending on the strength of the batch) for usage in infiltration/intelligence gathering missions.

Harry tests it first by spying on the Order after suspicion was raised that they're still blindly following Albus' instructions even after his death. No one notices that the black cat isn't all that it seems. Not even Moody suspects a spy in their midst.

Harry reports back and declares both the mission and the batch is a success. They, along with a few friends, try out different animals just to be on the safe side.

After the war, they sell the recipe to Fred and George Weasley (Fred lives) as an expansion of the Canary Cream line. Forms can be anything in the mammalian, reptile or avian species.

Harry and Hermione decide to retaliate against the bad teachers (and some students) at Hogwarts. Pranks include: swapping out Trelawney’s crystal balls with muggle “Magic 8-balls,” if a classmate falls asleep, they draw the Dark Mark on their forearms, provide Luna Lovegood with “Coast to Coast AM” transcripts, repeatedly ask the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is, slip Skiving Snackbox pranking treats into the evening’s dinner, suggest that the Giant Squid is the actual character from the hentai films, swap the Slytherin Quidditch team’s brooms with muggle versions.

Harry and Hermione in conjunction with the Weasley Twins manage to accomplish the impossible and have successfully pranked the headmaster!

Options:

Compell him to believe he's eating in the Great Hall during dinner when in reality there's no one in the room and it's class time.

Enchant all doorknobs in the school to stick to his hands only thereby preventing him from letting go. The only way to release it is by having Mr. Filch touch his hand.

Coordinate with the elves to move his office and apartment to a dank room in the dungeons complete with a window that shows what his normal office would see. Albus would go to sleep one evening and wakeup in the new location.

Every quill that Albus touches lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

Harry and Hermione learn of the Prophecy earlier than canon (3rd year would be best.) They include the others in their friends group to come up with a list of things that a child of their generation would know but those of Voldemort's generation wouldn't.

Harry knows:

How to set the clock on a VCR.

What the difference is between periwinkle blue and purplish-red.

DC vs Marvel comics

The breeding habits of the Crumple-horned Snorkack

How to blow into a video game cartridge to make it work.

How to operate a computer and write an email.

Hilarity ensues...

Harry and Queen

Pre-Hogwarts and Harry gets to go to the July 13, 1985 Live Aid show to see Queen as an early birthday present from Sirius and Remus. While waiting for the concert to begin, he meets and starts talking to a bushy haired girl who’s just as excited to see the band.

Fast forward to 1991 and Hermione spots Harry wearing the vintage concert t-shirt. They get to talking and realize they’d met before at said concert. They bond over their love of music and the arts.

(This is a Sirius and Remus raise Harry unbeknownst to Albus story. Sirius never went after Pettigrew that night of Halloween 1981.)

Harry comes home to find a very upset Hermione who won’t tell him what’s wrong. Getting a “brilliant” idea, he begins to spend the next week giving her everything he thinks she wants. At the end of the week, he turns to an absolute blissful wife and asks her if he satisfied whatever it was that had made her angry that day. Blinking owlishly, she replied, “Oh, that. I stubbed my toe.”

3rd year and with all the crap going on (Dementors, Sirius Black and the Ministry being its usual self), Harry decides to pull an epic pranking following the musing of his girlfriend, Hermione. She had idly thought it would be funny if there was a drink that simulated the effects of firewhiskey but without the detriment of alcohol.

Enter Ogden’s Junior Firewhiskey, the bottle was an old Ogden’s Finest, washed out and relabeled, then refilled with a refined Butterbeer and a mild Forgetfulness potion. At first glance, it appeared to be the real deal.

So now you have everyone (including firsties) wandering the halls pretending to be drunk. Minerva loses her nut, Dumbledore is aghast. That is, until they confiscate a bottle and get it tested.

That’s when the staff find out they’ve been pranked. Flitwick is dying laughing and the Weasley Twins are inducting our couple into the Pranksters Hall of Fame.

Harry goes “hog wild” with pranks during 3rd year after being harassed and shunned last year. Pranks include: Leaving catnip under McGonagall’s chair in the Great Hall, inking a owl’s feet and making it walk across some parchment then selling the results as Ancient Runes “cheat sheets,” giving out Pokemon cards to the purebloods telling them that these will be featured in an upcoming test in Care of Magical Creatures, etc. Hermione just watches from the sidelines amused.

Start of first year and Harry Potter comes to Hogwarts a little less (or more depending on whom you ask.) As a result of a school field trip accident, he lost his left arm and was eventually fitted with a prosthetic. Over time he's tinkered and modified it to be uniquely his.

With the inclusion of magic now, the arm has some interesting additions: illicit potion and charm detection (various inlaid crystals light up in a predetermined arrangement, communication link with Sirius' mirrors (added later), and more. He has full mobility including the wrist as well and touch sense on all surfaces. As far as he's concerned, it's a real arm; it just looks like something otherworldly.

Harry Potter is actually a coma patient in a hospital because of a horrific car crash that killed his parents. Hermione comes to read to him as part of a community outreach program. She reads all sorts of things, some fantasy, some romance, etc. Voldemort is the facility’s lawyer/financial administrator, who thinks that Harry is just not cost effective and repeatedly wants to pull the plug. Hagrid is the facility janitor who brought Harry in the first time and occasionally spends time with him telling Harry about some of the things he’s seen or done, Dumbledore is the facility’s manager who doesn’t care about Harry, just the money he brings in and the occasional PR stunts about giving children “all the best possible care.” The rest of the HP characters are guests or employees. Harry has moments of lucidity while still asleep and these are the scenes from the book/movies that we’ve seen/read. Harry eventually awakens after 10 years and sees Hermione for the first time. He recounts what he remembers and the two fall in love during his rehabilitation.

Disgusted by Draco's constant taunts and belittlments, Harry researches how to create innocuous Portkeys. One such example ends up in the blond boy's pocket during a trip to Hogsmeade. It activates when the trigger phrase of 'Scarhead' is uttered and sends the loudmouth to the biggest pile of dragon dung behind the greenhouses.

Minerva is aghast when she overheard Hermione and a couple of other second year girls talking about playing with Harry's cock. She bursts into the room and sees them playing with...a rooster.

The school is stunned (and the older girls are aroused) when they learn that Neville Longbottom has come up with a way to ensure that ovaries are successfully fertilized. It's only after storming the greenhouses do they realize he was talking about plants.

Harry takes a summer class through the Ministry during the summer before 5th year to learn how to make Portkeys. He's confronted by Fudge who demands to know why. Harry responds by saying that if he's in the Ministry and under the watchful eye of someone of authority, he can't get into trouble. (The fact that he's learning something new is just a bonus.) Fudge is flustered but can't argue with that unassailable logic and so leaves Harry in peace.

Harry however, has an ulterior motive. He wants to learn what the limits are with Portkeys. Can they be used to send an object or even a person to somewhere else, for example...the moon? His instructors are puzzled but they give a tentative short answer of 'Yes, in theory.'

During one experiment, Harry sends a timed dual use Portkey attached to a cage with a mouse and a autotimed camera in it to the moon and back. The photos prove that the mouse did in fact end up on the moon and came back relatively unscathed. (Use Tranquility Base as a recognizable location.)

From there, Harry secretly shares his knowledge with Hermione. When the 2nd Blood War heats up, the DEs start disappearing...and the 'man on the moon' starts getting company.

England's Geographic coordinates: 52.3555° N, 1.1743° W

(Portkey creators can then narrow the starting point from there or until Hermione and Harry figure out how to create an auto-locator rune set.)

Use this as a guide to figure out how to explain the targeting data for the Portkey's destination. Pick a good crater somewhere.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selenographic_coordinate_system

Harry takes Ancient Runes and Arithmancy instead of CoMC and Divination 3rd year. His end of year project has him creating a prototype hoverchair for disabled people. The chair can move in 3 axies with a top speed of 10 mph. It's powered by a person's magic just like an ordinary broom.

Starting first year on the train North, Harry uses the moniker of "What's-his-face" instead of the more commonly used "You-know-who" under the belief that his version is more degrading and demeaning to the deposed madman.

"If you can't call him by his name then just refer to him as "What's-his-face." It's more demeaning and let's everyone else know that the man in question is not worth remembering."

With a bit of luck.

Harry’s trying to teach his kids how to fly a broom. The problem seems to be that they can’t quite grip the shaft the right way.

Hermione to the rescue! She takes apart their bicycles and attaches the handlebars and foot pegs to their training brooms.

From the overly prolific and demented mind of yours truly, I give you this touching post-war fluffy Harmony scene.

Hermione comes home after a tiring day at work to find the house it's usual disastrous state that comes with having two kids in the house. 'Three if you count Harry,' she mused humorously to herself as she picked her way around. A peek inside the kitchen revealed nothing though it looked like Harry was baking again, if the dishes in the sink were any indication. Hermione heard what sounded like buzzing and giggling coming from their bathroom. Peeking around the corner, she spotted her husband of 5 years and their two toddler sons. One was still bathing in the tub while the other was getting his head shaved down.

"What is going on here?!" She near screeched.

Harry mock glared at her two boys before turning to her, "A pair of misfits who shall remain nameless first discovered the joys of throwing flour at each other. Next, they decided to give themselves a ketchup shampoo treatment."

"Why are you shaving their heads?" Hermione asked in disbelief.

Harry shrugged, "Easier than trying to clean it and their hair will grow back. Don't worry, Mia; I got plenty of pictures suitable for blackmail when they get older." He had a wicked glint in his eye which caused Hermione to snort in laughter.

While working as an Unspeakable, Hermione discovers a journal from an ancient philosopher who chronicled the days of The Great Betrayal. It described the history and truth to the bonding and enslavement of elves.

In truth, they were not enslaved; the HUMANS were! The elves don't normally speak in that dumbed down patois; they only do that because they think it's cute how humans respond to it like pets do.

Elves don't slave away cooking and cleaning; a snap of their fingers and magic does the rest!

Elves only pretend that the injuries humans inflict on them hurts. In reality, it's nothing more than a slight tingle at best.

Elves bond with humans because humans are a reliable source of magic. They can harvest it from other sources but why wait for it to trickle in when they can siphon it off from a witch or wizard.

Hermione confronts Dobby (he lived past the Malfoy Manor Incident) and gets confirmation with the promise from her not to share this revelation beyond Harry. When Harry finds out, he shrugs indifferently saying he's known for a long time ever since he caught Dobby speaking normally to another elf back at Hogwarts. It makes no difference to him because he still thinks of Dobby as family.

Hermione pranks Ronald by faking a Howler from his mother:

RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU EAT LIKE A PIG! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME!

It takes a couple of moments before everyone starts rolling with laughter. Fred and George congratulate her on a masterful prank and humbly request that she share her technique on how to alter a Howler for a specific person's voice. She in turn directs them to Harry who says that it came from a journal his dad wrote when the Marauders were in 5th year.

Already in a relationship by 3rd year, Hermione suggests that Harry ask someone else to the Yule Ball during 4th. Puzzled, he asks why. She replies, "Harry, you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together and I can promise you that there will be other Balls we will go to. This time however, I think it behooves us that you should ask the most unusual choice of partner just to shock the public."

Harry grimaced, "If you think I should ask Ron or Draco..."

She laughed, "Goofball, no! I was thinking of maybe Myrtle, Winky, or even Helena."

Harry stood there agog before a smile crept over his face and slowly nodded, I got the perfect candidate."

History of Potter Magic

Harry and Hermione are immortals. Have been since the dawn of time. Take a journey with them from the earliest stirrings of civilization and magic to the present day.

Story can be a series of one shots covering topic like the original primitive settlers crossing the ice bridge between the continent and what will become Wales to introductions and treaties with the Goblins, the elves, dealing with the first werewolves. Major battles and land grabs, innovations and inventions. Laying the groundwork for the original Wizengamot and writing the laws of magic. Watching their family grow and diversify.

A trick Hermione discovers while reading Hogwarts, A History during first year. How did students enter their common rooms before the advent of magical portrait/guardians?

Well, it turns out that there is an indentation/keyhole just to the left of the entrance that they stick their wands into that unlocks the door. Each student's wand signature is matched to which House they're in when they get Sorted, for security. This helps two ways: the portraits aren't always reliable about staying in their frames and to keep out unwanted visitors.

She demonstrates this handy trick when Harry is goaded by Ron into accepting the ill-fated 'Midnight Duel' challenge by Draco Malfoy. As a result, they don't get in trouble, Neville starts hanging out with them more and Hermione is viewed as the brains of their group.

Ronald isn't happy with this but Harry stands up to him and reminds the redhead that it was HE who accepted the duel, NOT Harry! Ron is eventually shunted to the side and redirected to hang out with Seamus and Dean.

I am the Son of Prongs, Heir of the Marauders.

A smarter Harry has just received the Marauders Map from the Weasley Twins during 3rd year and while lazily flicking through it, discovers Peter Pettigrew lying in Ron’s bed. Harry knows full well that there’s no one in his dorm at the time, only the rat Scabbers.

Later, Harry approaches Ron holding a box of miniature clothes and a camera.

“Hey Ron, I was wondering if you wanted to play dress up with your rat? I got outfits here I think he’d might like. I got a miniature broom and Quidditch jersey, I got a Merlin outfit and I even came up with a frame for a "Prisoner of Ratzkban.”

Ron and Harry take the photos and have a blast just being silly for once. Later, it’s just Harry and Hermione getting settled in for the night and looking over copies of the photos.

“Hermione? I need your help. Scabbers is not an ordinary rat. I think he’s an Animagus like Professor McGonagall.” He pulls out the Map and shows her everything.

Hermione thinks they should take this information to not only Professor McGonagall but also Professor Lupin after the latter had mentioned in passing that he knew Pettigrew.

The fallout is immense. Harry revealed the Map, Remus confessed to being Moony of the Marauders and Pettigrew was captured by McGonagall and Lupin. The rat was locked away in an unbreakable box and Director Amelia Bones was sent for. As to how to contact Sirius Black, it was actually Neville Longbottom who suggested getting on the school’s PA system and using a message crafted by Remus, announce loud and clear that “the rat had been trapped and it’s time for the dog to get its bath.”

Three hours later, the doors to the school open and Sirius Black, Padfoot of the Marauders steps through.

I just had a noodle of an idea for how the Potters could've improved the Fidelius protection on their home. They go through the normal setup but right afterwards, they stun then dose Peter with the Draught of Living Death and stash him away in safekeeping. Sirius and Remus are given the secret and they sit back to watch the rest of the magical world figure out what to do on their own.

They'd tell him ahead of time what they planned to do. Depending on the author, Peter became a DE sometime around the early part of Oct in 81. If he knew what they were planning, he might've held out longer.

Because then he'd know he would be safe. That was his main drive.

Either be in a coma or shipped off to another English-speaking country like New Zealand or something.

Peter gets to live out his life as a Sheep Farmer in New Zealand. Something he actually enjoys.

Every morning, Draco strolls out of the Slytherin common room and takes a deep breath of air. "I smell--peasants!" He then struts off in search of people to bully. The other Slytherins shake their heads and roll their eyes. Except Crabbe and Goyle, who do it internally to avoid grabbing his attention. What. A. Tool.

In retaliation, Crabbe and Goyle fill Draco's dorm room with pheasants and claim that they misheard him. There's bird shit and feathers all over the place.

Set during 5th year. In a fit of childish humor, Harry starts renaming stuff so his enemies will be embarrassed by the cutesy things that Harry uses to defeat them with. His wand becomes known as "The Baby Maker," the Sword of Gryffindor is renamed to "The Knicker Nabber" Hermione just blows an exasperated sigh and tags along.

Sirius and Remus are fully behind it…

In her delusional efforts to snag The-Boy-Who-Lived, Romilda Vane creates a Love Potion and drops in a strand of her hair. The problem for her is that Ginny found out about it and altered the recipe then dropped in a strand of hair from nearly all the eligible girls in the school. Ginny thought the alteration would cause all the others to cancel each other out including Romilda; leaving her as the clear victor in this contest.

The problem for both is that one of the portraits in the room was a painting of a Potter ancestor and he informed Harry who turned beseechingly to Hermione. She created a neutralizer for him and added a few "special" ingredients to the Love Potion. Harry lays low for a couple of days just to put on appearances.

As a result, Ginny and Romilda are now pining for each other and occasionally slipping away for some "hot and heavy girl on girl action that only becomes realized AFTER the fact," while  frantically trying to solve this nightmare before their parents, the school or Ginny's brothers find out.

This is a Harmony story much in the same way as Champion's Champion was. Harry and Hermione are watching and waiting to see if the two teens can figure it out and learn their lesson.

The modern game of golf originated in 15th century Scotland. The 18-hole round was created at the Old Course at St Andrews in 1764.

Instead of Quidditch, Harry enjoys playing golf. He's regularly seen building mini-golf layouts in abandoned classrooms and/or hallways during the winter months. His activities have spurred the others to try their hand at it and by 3rd year, each House has a couple of teams based on year/skill.

During the Spring/early summer months, his golfing pursuits take him onto the school grounds which in turn encourage the others to join him.

Introductions, muggle style

When Harry met Draco, Vincent and Greg on the train before first year; Draco held his hand out. Instead of shaking it, Harry hugs him. A little off-put, Draco demands to know why Harry did that!

"Oh! I think this was a case of cultural misunderstanding," Hermione interjected, "You see, in the muggle world, children under the age of 13 hug one another as a form of greeting or farewell. Handshaking is seen as something only adults do."

Nonplussed, Draco slowly nods his head while Harry hugs the other two boys then Hermione does the same. When they leave, Harry turns to Hermione with a glint in his eyes, "Let the Cultural Wars begin!"

From then on, the two (and later all of their muggleborn and raised friends) completely shatter the magically born and raised's preconceptions of what modern etiquette and customs should be like.

It's the ramp up towards 3rd year Christmas and all throughout the castle, stories are being told by the students about whatever their family does during this timeframe. Harry's curious about what "normal people" do (the type of Dursleys are up to the author.) Peeves shows up with his usual insane grin and asks if anyone's interested in hearing about the time when he made Tom Riddle's 1st Christmas in the castle oh-so-memorable...

What follows has everyone in stitches...

Given how much Hermione loved sci-fi (at least in fanon); it would only be natural for her to run the Resistance against the Puries (pureblood supremacists) using muggle concepts they have no clue on how to combat.

Case in point: During the 2nd Blood War, Hermione coordinates with those remaining Muggleborns who are running hit and fade missions to free prisoners and inspire fear in the Puries. First, they start spreading rumors of a contagion that attacks people and starts turning them into hideous monstrous constructs.

Strike teams are sent out wearing the techno-cosplay of the Borg from Star Trek: Voyager (best look as opposed to TNG.) The result is mass panic...

A human body covered in machinery that acts in a completely abnormal manner and completely outside of the Puries frame of reference. A machine being that starts off looking normal and progressively gets more "alien" yet still works within the all-magical places like Hogwarts, Diagon Alley, the Ministry for Magic and even St. Mungo's would seem to be as one of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse to the Puries.

They don't know where the contagion came from or how to combat it. Any Unforgivables cast seemingly bounce off these constructs (in reality, they're elf-disillusioned physical shields.)

The teams' wands are blended into the armor to provide undetectable firepower or light show as needed. To make sure the Puries got the full effect of the relentless approaching nightmare, "unsuspecting" muggleborns are "violently" assimilated in public (stupify with a slow-acting glamour charm.) At least at first... Next to be "targeted" are sympathetic light-sided purebloods from respectable families (MacMillian, Weasley, Longbottom, etc.)

The teams' apparition jumps are altered to look like transporter effects thanks to the assistance of hidden elves. The "captured" magicals are transported to a safe zone where Harry has organized the logistical and recovery aspects. Watching Hermione play on the enemy's fears gives him happy goosebumps and usually leaves him with a dopey expression for a few hours.

Fear is a powerful demoralizer. The muggleborn are tired of being treated as 2nd or 3rd class citizens. It's time to Fear the Muggleborg...

4th year and it's the TWT. Harry isn't the only underage contestant to be entered. So too is Hermione Granger and...Luna Lovegood.

Let the Games Begin...

Let's see how you like it!

Harry hates the limelight and fickle popularity being thrust upon him as The-Boy-Who-Lived. It dawns on him during third year that Ron loves it and hasn't figured out that family is more important than fame and money.

It takes him the better part of a year but with Neville's and Hermione's help plus the remaining two Marauders; they create an enchantment and a longer lasting variation of Polyjuice that transfers everything people think they know about Harry onto Ron. The rest of the Weasleys now no longer recognize Ron, Dumbledore keeps forcing the redhead back to the Dursleys and the Ministry keeps smearing his name. Come 4th year, it's Ron who gets his name mysteriously entered into the TWT. Voldemort uses his blood but the drastic difference in magical power leaves LV weak and emaciated.

Harry keeps his normal appearance but no one associates his scar with the one that Ron now sports. (Optional): Everyone assumes that Harry's scar is a tribute to Ron's scar.

The only people unaffected by these changes is Harry, Hermione, Neville, Sirius and Remus.

Assume that Quidditch team trials were held within the first week of school.

Molly Weasley is cursed/pranked to only refer to Ron as 'You Little Shit,' Ginny as 'The Skank,' or just 'Skank;' Fred and George as 'Utter Disappointment and Big Mistake,' Percy as 'Suck-up,' or 'Kiss-Arse;' Charlie as 'Tail-Chaser,' and Bill as 'Pillock.' Arthur could be known as 'Useless or Retard.'

Dumbledore = Old Goat

McGonagall = 'The Bitch' or 'Gryffindor Bitch'

Snape = Walking Sex

Flitwick = Gumdrop

Sprout = Pothead

It'd be especially awesome if they couldn't remove the curse/prank for like a year...and she doesn't know that the names have been changed, even when presented with a deactivated Howler.

Set during 3rd year, assume that the car theft didn't happen in 2nd year canon.

It was a week after the start of the year. The Weasley family owl is spotted fluttering down, a red Howler clutched in its beak. The moment it dropped the letter, it burst open as Molly's distinctive voice began to screech:

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR!! YOUR FATHER IS NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!! Oh, and my sweet, little Skank; congratulations on getting onto the Gryffindor Quidditch team, dear. Your father and I are so proud. Tell the Utter Disappointment and Big Mistake that if we get another letter from the Old Goat or the Gryffindor Bitch, I'm going to pull you from school and ship you off to live with Aunt Muriel! I will never understand why you can't be more like the Kiss-Arse. He's doing just splendidly!"

The Howler tore itself to pieces leaving a bewildered school, an utterly mortified Ginny, a crying Ron and the twins laughing themselves silly. The twins glance over at Hermione as she sat there with a smug look on her face. The pair kneel before her and chant, "We're not worthy!!"

Harry put his arm over her shoulders, "Scary but brilliant. That will hopefully teach Mrs. Weasley that some people shouldn't be messed with." (Author makes up a reason why Molly got annoyed with Harry and/or Hermione.)

Neville Longbottom snapped during the 2nd Blood War after learning about the Death Eater attack on St Mungo's and the subsequent murder of his parents and grandmother.

All of those years being a plant prodigy is going to be useful now. In ways that will give the Dark Lord nightmares...

From a fungus that slowly eats away at the victim's magic to a variant of a Strangler Fig that entwines you in its grip while slowly consuming your fluids (all the while keeping the victim alive and conscious.)

As far as Neville is concerned, the Death Eaters have sowed, so therefore they shall reap.

It's 5th year and a "new" dance craze has taken Hogwarts by storm. All of the muggleborn and raised know it and are amused by the way the Puries are clamoring to try it. They just can't seem to get enough of it. Umbridge is her usual nasty self but even she catches herself humming the lyrics.

Options:

Macarena (1993)

The Hokey Pokey (1950)

Lazytown "Bing Bang (Time to Dance)" (2006)

The Wheels on the Bus (1939)

Baby Shark (2015)

Old MacDonald (1925)

Peanut butter jelly time (2001)

Gangnum Style (2012)

Gangsta's Paradise (1995)

 Next time, keep Ron away from the lab!

Set during 4th year. Harry and Hermione are accidentally switched into each other’s bodies after receiving a revenge "gift" from Ron who's trying to get back at Harry for being an alleged glory hog and refusing to share how he got into the tournament. How would Harry (in Hermione's body) tackle the Tri-Wizard Tournament? What would she/he wear for the Yule Ball? On the flip side, what is Hermione going to do?

In a idiotic attempt to emulate the twins, Ron Weasley whipped a prank brew and secretly distributed it in everyone’s drinks at dinner. Now with every cast of ‘finite incantatem,’ everyone starts swapping genders. Ron swears that the effects of the potion only lasts for seven days.

Harry is now a girl, Hermione is now a boy. How is this going to affect things especially when they go home for the holidays in less than a week?

(Author’s choice for a solution and Ron’s punishment.)

Post war and Hermione’s moved in with Harry into his ancestral home. She’s introduced to the library and naturally, fell in love with it. Well, except for one book. It never let her open it. Turns out it’s the Potter Grimoire and can only be opened by those of the Family Line or the wife of the Head of House. Harry begins getting really involved with reading it as it contains so much information.

A week into their stay, Hermione’s feeling rather…frisky. She tries to get Harry’s attention but for once, it’s him that’s obsessed with a book. After one particularly frustrating attempt to separate them, she taps the Book with her wand and requests a meeting with the Potter Family Magic. To her surprise, it works and the Spirit of Potter is glaring at her.

“You are not a Potter, either by blood or marriage!” It intoned haughtily.

“I know,” she cried, “That’s why I’m here, I’ve been trying to get Harry, the last of his line, to pay attention to me. I’m his girlfriend and I’m horny. We’re trying to rebuild the Family but he’s obsessed with the Book.”

A look of surprise grew over the Spirit’s features, “Is this why you’ve been attempting to separate us?” She nodded unhappily.

A sly grin appeared in the Spirit’s face, “Well, my dear; let’s see what we can do about his inattention. The Potters of old weren’t just Masters of Clay, you know…”

Flash forward 19 years, Harry and Hermione are seen leading their own Quidditch team of 7 kids to the train to Hogwarts.

 Post War. Hermione had volunteered to help organize what remained in the burnt out RoR. She comes across a metal chest and inside are a set of 4 journals, one in each of the House colors. As she’s reading, she discovers that they are the personal journals of the four Founders. She hurriedly rushes to Harry to show off what she’s found. Harry is impressed but not greatly so.

“But Harry, you’re not understanding the significance.”

He gives her his ought to be patented look of ‘bemused by her enthusiasm.’

Holding up the journal in Gryffindor Red and Gold, “The last entry was this morning…”

Potters are tinkerers, always have been. So it was no surprise when word got out that Harry Potter had invented a new type of firecall method. Instead of using a bulky fireplace that you'd have to kneel in front of, Harry figured out how to tie a flame bowl into the Network.

The bowl measures 12 inches in diameter and sort of resembles a birdbath or those ancient pensieves the DoM have. The only thing these bowls are capable of doing is sending audiovisual communication like a muggle telephone. Packages still rely on traditional messages.

The very first Comm Bowl goes to Minister for Magic, Hermione Potter.

Prank ideas

Charm all the plates and goblets with the "Ever Full" enchantment so no one was able to get up and leave during mealtimes.

The gender identification signs on the bathrooms change depending on how serious the user's need for the toilet.

The elves swap out the clothes of one House for another. Gender lines too.

The elves pump helium into the Great Hall while the Minister and his entourage is there.

Hermione enchants a mirror that has a pair of twins. The first mirror is hidden within the headmaster's office and shrunk down in size. She gifts Amelia Bones one for prosecutorial reasons. The third mirror is mounted on a pole outside Gringotts and warded against tampering or theft so the public can see and hear first hand the lies and manipulations of their supposed "Leader of the Light." (For Evil, GG, or Senile Albus stories.)

Prank the Parents

Third year is the year when the students get to visit the village and go on dates. Hermione’s parents begged and pleaded with her to be careful and along the way embarrassed her by sending her a “care package” filled with all sorts of “personal pleasure” devices, pamphlets on how to protect herself, etc.

She’s so mortified that she doesn’t even want to go home for Christmas! (She gives the excuse that it’s recommended to stay at least once and it’s not to be missed.)

At the end of the year, she steps off the train sporting a pronounced baby bulge with Harry trailing behind her. Her parents take one look and nearly pass out from shock.

“Who?” Her mother manages to croak out.

“Harry and I are having a bear of a child and I’m thinking of naming him Teddy,” with that she reaches under shirt and pulls out a faux pregnancy bulge and a teddy bear and hands them to her parents.

Harry’s on the floor laughing his ass off while Hermione looks smug at her parents’ shock.

Set during 6th year. Ron Weasley screwed up something big time and tried to create a prank potion that would make the target believe he or she was a toddler for a couple of hours.

Why did he do something so stupid? Well, for starters; it's Ron, he and thinking beyond things like Quidditch, food or chess is not his strong suit. Nor are the possible consequences of screwing up. Second, he's still nursing a grudge against Harry for not telling him how he got into last year's tournament, stealing Hermione away from him and a number of other things.

So, he sloppily brewed up what he thought was a prank potion and snuck it into Harry's drink. The next morning, Hogwarts is stunned (and a little confused) as to why there's a raven-haired, green-eyed toddler crawling around Gryffindor Tower. When they learn the truth, Harry is immediately "adopted" by all the girls in the school. Pansy, Daphne, and the other Slytherin girls love to carry him around, making cooing noises and acting all silly in ways that show that the legendary Slytherin aloofness is just for show. Everyone gets a crash course in regular feedings, diaper changes, bathing, playtime and other aspects of child care. Everyone is surprised when it's discovered one day  that Harry takes his naptime curled up on Severus (Colin Creevey made sure to take photos!)

Draco thinks it's hilarious and writes home about it, the boys in the school keep trying slip him sugary treats just to watch him get hyperactive then hand him off to the nearest girl, Severus is tasked with coming up with an antidote, Albus is worried how this will affect his image and the Prophecy, and everyone is hating on Ron.

Not surprisingly, Harry even as a toddler only wants to spend time with Hermione Granger. He loves playing, napping, and being fed by her. He feels safe in away that his toddler memory reminds him of the way his mum was. She makes her mission to help raise Harry and organizes his schedules, learning and tantrums.

It takes the better part of the year to brew the antidote but at the end, Harry is back to normal and is nonplussed why people are finally treating him less like a celebrity and more like a normal person.

"Hermione? I keep getting the sensation that something happened this past year and it's why everyone is treating me better but for the life of me, I can't think of why."

Hermione pats him on the hand gently, "Don't worry about it, Harry. I'll protect you from the big scary public." Her eyes twinkling in mirth.

 Set during 6th year and Harry was getting ready to dictate a letter. He’s distracted by Hermione coming into the common room while ranting about something Weasley did. After a lengthy conversation, he just packs up and heads to bed. The next day he hands in his homework to Minerva, not realizing that the dictated rant and the other Common room conversations are mixed in with his homework.What Minerva reads is hilarious…

Hermione's admonishment to Ron about not studying.

Ron telling her that she's barmy for studying ahead

Neville telling both that they either need to "get a room or shut the Hell up already!"

Lavender going on and on about some piece of gossip.

Seamus Finnegan making lewd comments about various people.

Set during 8th year (assume Voldie has been dead and dusted for a year.)

By order of the Ministry for Magic, Hogwarts seniors have to take part in a family planning course for the entire year. Harry and Hermione are fortunately paired up, as are Neville and Luna; (some of the others are not so lucky; Draco got Ginny Weasley while Ron got Pansy Parkinson.)

The couples have to live within a time-dilated wing of the school where for every 1 day outside, it's 1 week inside (40 days = 40 weeks.) The girls take a potion that causes their bodies to simulate pregnancy (including bloating, stretch marks, etc.) The couple have to navigate the highs and lows of strange cravings, loss/gain of energy, mood swings, etc; before the second part of the year when their "child" is born.

From there, the time dilation is changed to where 1 day on the outside is equal to 1 month on the inside. Now they have until the end of the year to make sure their child survives and thrives.

Will their sanity and their relationship survive this ministerial mess? Who will crack under the pressure first and why does it look like Hermione's pregnant for real this time? Why does Lavender's baby look like Ron Weasley?

Scenarios to include: infidelity, anger management, spousal abuse, weight issues, body image issues, parenting fails, diaper changes, feedings and leaky kids.

Set during the tail end of 4th year. Amelia Bones is trying yet again to get Sirius Black a proper trial for his alleged involvement with the Potters' deaths as well as Peter Pettigrew's supposed demise.

The problem is Dolores Umbridge, Minister Fudge's Senior Undersecretary. The Toad keeps blocking Amelia's attempts at justice.

Figuring that the best way to solve this is to get Dolores out of the Ministry by sending her on a "fact-finding tour" around the world. "Minister, you have a scheduled series of meetings with nearly a dozen different countries in a couple of months and I need someone who has a critical eye to go over and act as the official "tester" if you will. She would be responsible for examining everything that you might come into contact with from the accommodations to whatever entertainment there is to be had in these countries. It would be a wrench for you to have her gone for so long but if it means that you aren't pleased with their hospitality because of something that wasn't inspected beforehand..." She trailed off letting the implications sink in.

Fudge caves and sends Dolores on a yearlong investigation around the world. In the meantime, Amelia now has his undivided attention to get some real work done.

Severus is picked up by a couple of rookie Aurors one day sometime around 3rd year or so. As he enters the DMLE, he loudly demands to know why he's being arrested. The rookie states that he's not, they're using him to pull a prank on Albus. By releasing word that Severus had been arrested and was going to be forced to spill his secrets about the war; it'll cause Albus to panic and race to stop it. In the meantime, Minerva will reconfigure the wards to make the old goat run a gauntlet just to get back in. Severus is confused and wonders about the point of it all. The rookie explains that Minerva instituted a 'Prank Albus Dumbledore Day' with the winner getting a special commendation in their service records.

Still raging from being lied to by Albus, Harry decides to get even. He rents the largest billboard he can find in muggle London and posts the Prophecy for all to read.

He then lists everything Albus has done to screw over Harry’s life finished up with the proclamation that he (Harry) is taking his friends and leaving Magical Britain to wallow in its own filth and escapes to the US. (He leaves behind false clues that he went to Australia.)

Hermione suggests that the Goblins get ahead of the curve and offer alternative schools abroad for the incoming muggleborns. The Goblins gleefully help since it’s a perfect opportunity to get one over on those arrogant wizards.

Summer before 5th year and Harry's at Grimmauld Place after being rescued from the Dementors. Thanks to a suggestion from his girlfriend Hermione, he's currently meditating to try and relax. During one session he inadvertently taps into his connection to the Black Family magic and being the Heir of the Marauders, asks a couple of silly questions; one of which is, "Just what and all can Family Magic do? Can it force a member to behave in a certain way?" The short answer was "Yes" so Harry went to Sirius with an idea on how to mess with the DEs related by Black Blood.

Ideas could range from silly to serious.

Silly Examples: If you bow before anyone other than the Head of House, that member is suddenly overwhelmed with the urge for explosive diarrhea or flatulence.

They are compelled to tell the unvarnished, Veritaserum-like truth to any and all questions.

Serious Examples: They are compelled to not fight against the Light Side be it in combat or in the Wizengamot.

They are compelled to share information on whatever Voldie has planned for upcoming events.

The Breakroom

This is the place where all the characters from the HP fandom come to relax and unwind in between assignments from fan fiction authors. Whatever animosity they may have had for each other on the page is just part of the job. It's not unusual to see Harry sitting with Lord Voldemort and joking about some of the craziness they experienced in Driftwood1965's Champion's Champion story or Hermione going over last week's episode against Umbridge (who is currently investigating the buffet table) with Bellatrix and Narcissa. Sometimes a rare extra makes an appearance.

The only three characters that no one particularly likes is Ronald Weasley, his mother Molly and Albus Dumbledore. The first is rather whiny, the second tends to (s)mother those around her, and Albus forgets that he's not on duty and tries to manipulate others.

The Eternal Torment of Albus Dumbledore

Albus has died and must now face his Grim Reaper who is rightly disgusted by the old goat's manipulations and deceit over the course of his past life.

“As your Final Judgement, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you experience everything that you subjected your victims to. Welcome to Hell, Albus...”

Reference all of the abuse given to Harry, Tom Riddle, Ariana Dumbledore, Aberforth Dumbledore, Severus Snape, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James and Lily Potter, and so many more.

The Exciting Adventures of Hermione "Indiana" Granger. Tales of her explorations, discoveries and more.

Play dates with Harry, Neville and girls from school.

Mommy/Daddy- daughter days to the store.

Summer camp fun (crafts, sports, nature)

Museum/art gallery trips

Early experiments with magic

Learning to ride a bike

Beach trips

Learning to swim

First kiss

First date

Halloween/trick or treating

Christmastime

Valentine's day

Study mania

The Killing Sneeze

Harry Potter, age 15, has the flu and it's a bad case. Strangely though, every time he sneezes; someone, somewhere has an accident. Death Eaters find themselves in life-threatening situations (creatures turning on them, broom failures, Unforgivables bouncing back on them,) some even lose their magic!

Even those in the castle are not immune. Neville was quietly working in the greenhouses when he heard a distant rumble. The next thing he knows, he's being bodily lifted and protected from flying glass by the Venomous Tentacula of all things as the greenhouse explodes around him. It turns out that Draco was looking to cause mischief and ended up getting the brunt of the flying glass.

Dolores Umbridge loses all of her notes and records on the student population in a fire as well as getting slammed around quite a bit leaving her with a broken wand arm and a sprained neck.

Finally, Harry lets out one MASSIVE sneeze and the magic around the world freezes in shock. Later, after the dust settles; it's discovered that Lord Voldemort was killed and annihilated by rampaging dragon his minions were planning on unleashing onto the muggle world.

Some funny things happen too. All four House Colors suddenly turn inverse, the elves rise up in an aborted revolution, all of the pranks perpetrated by the Weasley Twins are turned back around on them, etc.

All throughout the chaos, Hermione sits at her favorite spot in the library with a knowing smirk on her face. Who knew that introducing Malaclaw Venom into Magical Britain's water supply and enchanting the bad luck effects to Harry's flu was such a good idea?

The Master Baiter

With a sharp wit and acerbic tongue, Harry Potter is able to figure out and needle your foibles until you either learn to ignore him and move on or try to attack him.

He uses this talent to take on everyone at Hogwarts, the Order of the Phoenix, Voldie and his Death Eaters as well as the morons in the Ministry.

Only Hermione seems to be immune but she's got another reason to appreciate his skill as a Master Baiter...

This was used for a scene in M*A*G*I*C* 4077 (Ao3.)

Summer before 3rd year. Harry is in Diagon Alley and spends a couple of hours chatting with Ollivander about wandlore. Harry asks if there's a reason why wands HAVE to be straight (or nearly) shafts; could they be made to resemble other things?

This curious conversation leads to the development of the "Glock 9mm Wand" (and other styles.)

The Wizarding World will never be the same.

Tom Riddle's years at Hogwarts through the eyes of Peeves.

Peeves, seeing the boy's determination to swan dive into darkness, does what he can to screw things up and make life difficult for the nascent Dark Lord.

Ugh, the hairballs are the worst part!

This is a story (minimum of a one-shot) detailing a week (or longer) in the life of Hermi-kitty and Harry Cat. Both had an issue with a contaminated batch of Polyjuice and have to learn to navigate the castle and its inhabitants until the effects wear off.

Constant grooming, chasing mice and toys, learning who’s really a friend and not; plus the change in eating habits (omg, Harry! The fish, so much fish!) and the wonderful feeling of snuggling in one big pile in front of the fireplace.

Harry hits Bellatrix with a spell that makes her knickers vibrate. She can't fight because she's grinding up against everyone and everything.

undergarments vibrate = femoralia vibrent

Used in a scene of JAET:Unmitigated Chaos.

The elves have been given permission by the Deputy Headmistress and Professor Sprout to punish the students using Nerf bats. The Hufflepuffs think this is hilarious since no one gets hurt (they're just soft foam) and join in with ambush whackings.

Viagra was invented in 1996.

Harry snags a couple of boxes from a drug supplier the summer before 6th year and slips the crushed pills into the school's morning tea supply. Everyone is now going from class to class feeling uncomfortably "stiff."

What if instead of Quidditch, Harry starts a Dungeons and dragons league amongst the Houses? The pieces are animated of course, but the rest remains the same. Individual missions, battles, campaigns; it's all there.

Can you imagine snooty, aristocratic, self-entitled brat of Slytherin Draco Malfoy scoffing at the idea but is seen a week later diligently scrounging parts and building the structures and gaming terrain in hopes of finding a spot on the Slytherin team?

Ron Weasley complaining that nothing can beat Quidditch and whining that he can't use his chess pieces as substitutes. He's eventually pushed into a looping side quest that keeps him busy and away from annoying the others.

Hermione playing the part of the DM because of her prodigious memory and attention to details.

Harry acting as Grand Overseer to mediate disputes while also organizing game days in the Great Hall.

The elves find out about it and recommend the Room of Requirement so the kids can play a life-sized version...

During the summer between 3rd and fourth, Harry and Hermione are puttering around in the Granger garage when Harry gets the weird idea of "What if there was a way to view what an alternate universe looked like without actually going? It takes them a few years but the pair eventually develops the Dimension-tube; it looks like an ordinary television but you use the remote to scroll through the people and universes you want to see.

Options:

Jily lives

Remus isn't a werewolf

Voldemort wins

SoS was never enacted

Grindlewald wins

Dumbledore is evil/good/or completely sidelined

Marriage Laws in effect

Any other trope you can think of...

When Sirius Black got sorted into Gryffindor, everyone thought it HAD to be a mistake! What they failed to understand that it showed a high degree of cunning and craftiness. Play the fool for the masses while subtly working behind the scenes to undermine the efforts of those around him.

At least, that's what he told his parents when he was questioned. In reality, he just wanted to break free from the oppressive regime his family had in place for generations. If he had to play the fool for two audiences, then so be it.

The look of incredulity then pride at the thought of their son and the Heir of the Ancient and Noble House of Black pulling off such a masterful stroke of genius at the age of eleven. Walburga Black still has trouble believing it yet the proof of that action is demonstrated by the sly smirk on her son's face.

When he became godfather to Harry and after James and Lily's murders, Sirius did what he did best and led his opponents to the wrong conclusion while he, Harry and Remus made their escape.

A little blurb that popped into my head.

*A spell erupted from the unspeakable's wand and struck the ghost, halting her retreat*

"Release me Croaker!" The Grey Lady spat.

Croaker arched a skeptical brow at her.

"Why? Don't you think you've spent enough time running from your actions...Helena Ravenclaw?"

The Grey Lady's eyes widened in shock. Croaker just shook his head in disgust.

"This isn't about the Diadem, or even about your foolish actions so long ago. This is about Tom Riddle, and what he hid within your mother's crown."

She struggled against the binds of his spell, only to sag in defeat a moment later.

"Good, got that out of your system? Let's get down to business...Where did Tom Riddle hide his Horcrux?"

Our designated OTP are studying in the library early in 1st year when Harry comes across a set of the canon books. As he’s glancing through, he comes upon the section that describes exactly what had transpired in the past few minutes. They discuss the prior events and conclude it was all true. Hermione suggests they read ahead one chapter then wait to see if it really happens. How would they handle the events of their seven years at Hogwarts if they had those books?

3rd year and Dumbledore is surprised when Harry, Neville and a couple of the other students approach him to ask if there was a way to randomize which floo they could come out of within the castle.

With a slow, confused "Yes?" They explain that since travel to Hogsmeade is near impossible with the Dementors nearby, they wanted to hold a "rainy day schedule."

When asked about the floo, Harry quips that they want to give "White Water Flooing" a try. This coupled with more craziness and hijinks orchestrated by the Weasley Twins, Luna Lovegood and Hermione; it becomes so chaotic that Albus takes it upon himself to create a special Ward Anti-Dementor Tunnel to Hogsmeade just to get some relief.

3rd year and Hermione invents a rune scheme that once triggered constantly and verbally belittles its victim with insults. It's layered onto a boundary ward and is permanently engraved onto whatever the target surface is. The schema is about the size of a grain of rice so the odds of finding and disabling it are astronomical.

Harry suggests that they try it out on the staff and students first before moving onto their real targets, the Weasley Twins and the Marauders. During the 2nd War, it's used to great effect as a means of demoralizing the enemy.

4th year and Hermione has a secret. She'd swapped the Time Turner given to her back in 3rd year with a fake and kept the real one for emergencies. When Harry was kidnapped during the 3rd Task of the TWT, she used it to not only save Harry but also Cedric so Harry wouldn't feel so guilty.

5th year and Harry creates a hovering glass orb with a control glove (ref story "It's not just a stick".) He uses it to spy on Umbridge and the Inquisitorial Squad. It makes no noise while floating or moving, can capture and project video with sound, come with a set of FPV goggles so he can see what's going on in the target area and has a maximum range of 2 miles (effective range is 1.5 miles.) It's designed to imitate a Remembrall so if discovered by the enemy, it's easily overlooked.

Each member of the DA is armed with these spheres so they can communicate easier.

Later during the War, they're used as ultra-secure means of communication as well as spying on the Death Eaters across the Island. (They've been modified to interlink into one gigantic network.)

 5th year. Rather than fomenting outright rebellion against Umbridge by starting the DA and running afoul of the ED regarding regular meetings of three or more, Harry and Hermione decide to go a different route. They start by taking one student each for a week. Harry teaches the practical while Hermione teaches the theory. They both teach the students to be proficient enough to demonstrate to the others.

13 year old Harry Potter follows the Old Ways and prays to the deity known as Morrigan. During one vigil, he leaves as an offering: a banana, the feather from an ostrich, and...a shiny vibrator. He doesn't think about the consequences of such an item because to him; that vibrator was just something shiny.

Harry was lying in bed slowly falling asleep a month later when he hears a noise coming from his desk drawer. His wide and amazed eyes take in the sight of a frantic Morrigan digging through the stuff muttering, "Batteries! I need more batteries..."

Chapter Text

HP/Crossover

HP/ I, Robot movie crossover

Set in the year 2036. 

Harry and Hermione are investigating several homicides of magical citizens. All of the deaths were caused by strangulation. Each of the victims were influential members of the Wizengamot and all were on a committee to investigate the possibility of ending the Statute of Secrecy and begin integrating into modern society.

A rumor has started circulating that the machine beings of the muggles were responsible and proof positive that the muggles are still the dangerous savages they always were. Hermione doesn't believe it for a second. Harry was skeptical but eventually came around to her position after getting to meet and chat informally with the robot manufacturer representative and a couple of techs.

Now, it's their job as Unspeakables to figure out what the Hell is going on and how to stop whoever it is orchestrating things before it gets worse.

HP fandom (no crossovers)

According to canon, help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it, right? Well, it's 5th year and Harry's at his wits end regarding Umbridge, the usual shit he gets from Dumbles and the Ministry. He's holed up in the RoR and wishes the Founders would return so they could see the morass that their legacy has become. There's a flash of blue light; standing before him are the four Founders.

A scene in the Slytherin Common Room; Draco, Salazar and Severus are the main players, everyone is watching and listening quietly:

Salazar entered his House's common room. If there had been any muggleborns they would've recognized him as resembling the actor who played Bail Organa from the Star Wars prequels, Jimmy Smits.

Draco scoffed at the man who wore a finely cut muggle suit, "I don't know who you think you are but you are NOT Salazar Slytherin. When my father hears about this, you'll be sorry you ever dared to assume his identity!"

Salazar stared down his nose at the insolent and self-entitled brat, "Lonny!" 

An elf popped into the room, "Master Salazar called for Lonny?"

Salazar smugly gestured to the patiently waiting elf, "As you clearly heard, Lonny correctly identified me. You should also be aware that elves cannot lie about the identities of wizards, bonded or otherwise. Now sit down and shut up, boy. You might learn something."

Harry and Hermione are smugglers specializing in animal transfers. They go out to various preserves or deep into the wilds to retrieve the rarest or endangered species and bring back the carcasses for their clientele to eat or display the hides.

At least that's what their clients think...

In reality, the pair work in a division of the ICW/MI-5/FBI dedicated to infiltrating criminal organizations and other entitled idiots with too much money and not enough sense. They provide "proof" that the creature their buyer gets is in actuality, faux hides and skeletons. The meat? High quality cow (or in the case of reptilian orders, farm-raised gators. Fish is usually something generic.) Each meal/hide/skeleton is laced with a specially crafted tracking serum that turns the person of interest into a living tracking beacon. 

Uh-oh...

The boy is wide-eyed yet confused. The crowd spots him and starts whispering which only fuels his consternation. He looks up to the walls and ceiling as if searching for something. He becomes fidgety when he fails to spot what he was looking for. His face is screwed up in puzzlement as he keeps glancing between the adults up at the High Table.

He nudges the girl next to him, "Emma, did you know that Alan Rickman was a wizard?"

Hermione turned to him in confusion, "Why did you call me 'Emma'? My name is Hermione."

Harry's confusion grew so he stepped forward before the proceeding could start, "Um... Professor? I think there's a problem. Is that Alan Rickman, Warwick Davis, Richard Harris and is your name Maggie Smith?"

Susseration from the assembly rippled through the Hall. Minerva appeared nonplussed, "What are you talking about, Mr. Potter?"

"That's just the thing, ma'am. My name is Daniel. Daniel Radcliffe..."

Hermione organized a Poirot-themed 'Murder on the Orient Express' birthday party for Harry's 40th with their friends from work and Hogwarts.

The problem? There might be an actual killer on board when one of the waiters is found dead and stuffed in a locker. Harry figures that why wait until they reach the station to figure out 'who-dun-it?'

Harry's got a part time summer job as a grocery store stock clerk in Surrey. Late night shift, pay is decent and he's saving his money to buy a ring to propose to Hermione and prove to her parents that he'll work hard to make sure their daughter wants for nothing.
One evening, three masked armed robbers force the employees to stand in front of the doors as a human shield. An off-duty cop had managed to call the incident in before being shot and killed. Hermione arrives, sees Harry and cries out in fear.

Harry flashes a triangle and line with his fingers before being spotted and pistol whipped. Hermione's eyes flare up in righteous anger. She apparates back to his place and grabs Harry's Peverell Cloak and Elder Wand (Harry had used a sleight of hand trick to make Ron think that he destroyed the Wand) then apparates back.

She enters the store's loading dock like a ghostly whisper of wind. It's payback time. No one messes with her Harry!
(I have a mental image of a low camera angle hero shot, the cloak billowing out Jedi Master style, as Tron-like cyberpunk music plays in the background during her approach to the building.)

Hermione is a motorhead, always stripping down and rebuilding a junked car her dad got her for her 14th birthday just to keep her from constantly messing with the family car.
She met Harry at Hogwarts first year and they naturally hit it off. When Harry turned 13, he got a chance to show off his driving skills at a go-kart track to her. A lightbulb moment later in Hermione and the two begin making plans to race in the Junior League of the British Touring Car Championship (let's assume there is one, I haven't found any reference.)

When Harry and Hermione found out in second year that a firstie by the name of Luna Lovegood was being bullied for wearing the most outlandish outfits, they stepped up to show true friendship by matching everything that the tiny blonde wore and stated unequivocally that if the bullies were going to harass Luna for being free spirit, then they'll have to rumble with them.

A couple of older Ravenclaws scoffed in derision, "You really think that a pair of second years are going to scare us?"

Hermione spotted Professor Snape hovering nearby and sweetly asked, "Professor Snape, what would be the appropriate reaction when the green eyes Harry inherited from his mother start glowing in righteous anger?"

Snape paled and gulped, "Run. Run for your life as if the Demons from Hell were chasing you."

There's something about Harry
Harry arrives at school, 5th year smelling...different. It's driving all the girls crazy (including Hermione) and they can't figure out why. It's not Amortentia, Poppy's confirmed that but it's just something...with a hint of talcum powder.

There are the strange clues too. Why does he carry around a ring with safety pins and bundles of cloth, why is he up at regular intervals during the night (every three hours), why does he always check the temperature of milk on the inside of his wrist before taking a sip, why does he get a dreamy look on his face whenever he overhears someone talk about their family?

Hermione figured it out first (naturally) and immediately wants to help. It turns out that Harry is caring for a newborn baby someone dumped in a trashcan. She's horrified that someone could be so callous but she's happy to provide a balance to their brand new family.

What happens when the pranks go Dark?
After the Weasley parents were murdered by Bellatrix in broad daylight in Diagon Alley after the attack on the Burrow (movie canon), Bill as the eldest, steps up to take care of the family. Grieving, something snaps in Fred and George and sends them down a dark, dark path.

The jokes have stopped. It's time to show the world why you don't mess with the Weasley Twins.

Random Thought time (and time travel/fix it story prompt):

We all know that Time Turners send the user back in time but I posit that it's possible to go forward in time too. From the scandalously small amount of writings on the construction of said device, they use runes as the basis for the enchantments on the hour glass. Well from my own research, if the runes are written in reverse they are viewed as being the mirror opposite of the original meaning.
For example, Fehu (the rune that looks like the capital letter F but with the fingers pointing upwards) normally symbolizes wealth (either in cattle or fertility). Written in reverse, it means failed ambition, poverty, health problems, etc.

That said, I wonder what the future/past history of Magical Britain would've been like if Hermione (Post-Hogwarts while working as an Unspeakable) had figured this out? Gone back and forth to witness the possibilities and pitfalls of their ideas for the Battle of Hogwarts, the Ministry and beyond?

Would she have left notes and clues to her and Harry's younger selves to assist them in getting the best possible results even at the expense of her own timeline?

Harry, Hermione and Neville are having a serious discussion about Albus, Gilderoy and Ronald Weasley.

Hermione comments that, "Interesting line of thought. Albus, Gilderoy and Ron all represent the 3 stages of narcissism. Ron represents that earliest stage where he gets a taste of reflected glory and wants more. Gilderoy represents achieving that goal by any means necessary even if that is through lying and stolen glory. Albus represents the final stage where he's bought into and blinded by his own hype and thinks that he's the only one worthy of the adulation and money others send to him." 

Someone idly comments that one of them ought to write this up and submit it as a psychology study. This begins an in-depth evaluation of the characterization of all the notable people in Magical Britain.

What if the Statute of Secrecy had been repealed after the British "Witchcraft Act of the 1750s" was enacted? How might've history been different if magic was allowed to coexist peacefully alongside the muggles?
Would Grindlewald (and Albus in secret) cause untold damage to the magical population? Would Voldemort/Tom Riddle risen to power? What would Harry and Hermione's life be like if magic was as common as taking a walk to the mailbox?

3rd year and as a distraction from the looming presence of the Dementors, Harry and Hermione put together a Crayola Party. The Great Hall is cleared of all the tables and the floor is covered with long sheets of butcher paper (nonwaxed.) As the students file in, Harry points out that there's options for freecoloring or for the less adventurous, outline coloring pages. Boxes and boxes of brand new crayons are distributed out to the eager students (and the professors.)
Conversation and friendships are made over the various drawings and skill levels.

Hermione got a job post Hogwarts in the most unlikely of places. She's now the mechanic/driver of the Knight Bus! After riding the original version back before the start of 4th year, she swore that she'd find a way to fix the damn thing. In her mind, there was no reason for it to drive like a cannonball in a washing machine.

After many months of redesigning, hard work and navigating the morass that is the Ministry to get decent funding; she finally manages to give everyone a memorable ride.

Harry, Hermione and the other muggleborn start a cultural war that has nothing to do with blood. After someone started calling Albus “Gandalf,” realistic scenes from Lord of the Rings start popping up. The next time something strange happened was when someone had enchanted the dinnerware in the Great Hall to start singing "Be Our Guest" whenever Albus gave the command to start the evening meal.

The Puries don't have a clue about what is going on nor do they get the references. It gets worse (and darker in tone) as the year progresses when the references start getting into the thriller/horror movie genres. The professors all check for Boggarts but none are present. Flitwick inquires if this was Peeves’ work but the poltergeist swears it's not.

All Hell breaks loose when Alien is unleashed.

Story starts in 2005 (flashback) but is set during the modern era (2020s.) Post Hogwarts

After learning about the internet and the video sharing site YouTube; Harry, Hermione and a couple of their muggleborn friends get together to create a channel that covers everything that a brand new magical child/family needs to know after they're contacted by Hogwarts or the Ministry for Magic.

Topics include: Do's and Don'ts; Currency exchange; Culture, Customs and Etiquette; Goblins, Elves and other beings and creatures; Contact information; etc.

Because the Ministry is so far behind the times, the channel has been up for years before someone tips off the government and by then there's nothing they can do to stop it. Pureblood feathers are ruffled and the Mot is convened to sanction those involved. Harry sits in his Family seat unconcerned, patiently waiting for one of the stuffed shirts to try something stupid that will inevitably run afoul of the Statute of Secrecy.

Post Hogwarts; Sirius, Remus and Tonks lived.

The Aurors are called to Potter Manor after they got an anonymous tipoff that Harry was a mob kingpin running drugs, smuggling, card and loan sharking, racketeering and more.

Harry was dragged down to the Ministry holding cells before Hermione was called. She takes one look at her husband and shakes her head, "I blame you for this, you know."

Harry held his arms out, "Why? What did I do that was so bad?"

"Did you ever stop to think about our kids and what they're like when they get an idea in their heads?"

Harry bobbled his sheepishly, "How was I supposed to know that Jaden and Bobbie would take me literally?"

The DMLE Lead investigator Susan Bones entered, saw the pair of them and burst out laughing, "I think your kids conspired with mine to prank us. I finally got Dennis to talk. Smuggling illicit bags of forbidden, noisy toys; moving bags of coffee aka "drugs," sugar-free chocolate wrapped to look like real chocolate? Offering loans of lunch money and the threat of tickling if they didn't pay you back? I got the joke a few minutes in since he couldn't stop giggling."

Hermione facepalmed while Harry beamed with pride. Just wait until he told Sirius!

The Many Adventures of Tom and Harry

5 year old Harry had a pretty bad headache one day. While in bed, he heard the voice of someone else in the room but couldn't see anyone. When he recovered, he didn't hear the voice anymore.

The next day at school, he overheard one of the older boys talking about how his cousin could've been a twin but had reabsorbed the brother while in utero. When Harry got home, he asked his Aunt Petunia about what that all meant. Curious, she patiently explained then asked him what prompted his question. He told her about the voice he heard during his migraine and wondered if he had a twin brother that might've been reabsorbed.
She reassured him that it was unlikely but if it happened again, he should be nice and offer friendship. That evening, Harry heard the voice again. "Hello, my name is Harry. What's yours?"

"Hello, Harry. My name is Tom."

From then on Harry made it a point to include Tom in his conversations and adventures. Tom, initially surprised by the gentle nature of young Harry, momentarily thought about subsuming Harry and be reborn but as the weeks passed Tom came to a startling conclusion, 1) Harry wasn't the threat he'd been made out to be in the prophecy and, 2) Harry was actually a nice person who wanted for nothing and shared everything.

Tom watched the world through Harry's senses, learned what Harry did and slowly lost that anger and resentment that had been present in his first life. By the time that Harry was ready for Hogwarts, the pair were as close as brothers.

Tom taught Harry what he knew about magical culture and Parsel magic, explaining that being a Speaker didn't make you Dark, just capable of doing things differently. Harry used that knowledge to decide that when he grew up, he'd become a veterinarian or zookeeper specializing in reptiles. Tom thought that would be a noble use for his abilities and mentally slapped himself for not thinking of it before. Tom lamented that he'd been suckered in by the honeyed words of Albus Dumbledore with promises of achieving greatness and warned Harry to not make the same mistakes he did.

When Hermione made her entrance during the first train ride, Tom suggested that Harry remind the girl that toads liked cool, dim, quiet places so she should look in the closets and bathrooms instead of the noisy compartments. She smiled and thanked him then scampered off. She returned a moment later with said toad and exclaimed that Harry had been right!

Harry offered her to join them. Curious, she asked who else was there. Harry explained who Tom was to her surprise. From there two became three and eventually four when Neville joined the group.

Thanks to Tom's insights, Albus was never able to control Harry (much to the old goat's consternation.) As Harry grew older, he learned about girls from Tom and made some hilarious mistakes along the way. Tom learned that there were powers that didn't involve pain and suffering. Hermione learned what life could be like falling in love with Tom and Harry.

5th year and Harry's clicked onto the one thing guaranteed to blow the Puries' minds and prove that the muggles aren't animals (or anything else usually described as.) With the help of Hermione and the other muggleborns in the school, they commandeer an empty floor of the castle and fill each interconnected room with the Mother of All Arcades. Everything from table games to live-streamed sports games from around the world. There is a section marked by an age-line where the older students can go to get a beer and a simple meal while watching the games, there's a ceiling mounted zip line track to sling a person around the room, trampolines, foam ball pits, and so much more!

Every pureblood who stops by inevitably slows to a halt with their eyes wide and mouth dangling open. Even Draco has nothing bad to say about the place!

Umbridge tried several times to put a stop to it but she was routinely slapped down, one seventh year Slytherin even threatened to AK her if she dared to go to the press or Ministry.

7th year (during an AU version of the 2nd Blood War.) Mysterious flyers have started circulating around Hogwarts, Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. Each one has a rather flattering picture of Narcissa Malfoy and lists her qualities.

What's so special about that? Well, if you tap your wand on the flyer and say, "What a MILF!" it changes into a scandalous version of itself with naked pictures of herself and salacious qualities of things and activities she's willing to do (including but not limited to cuckolding of her husband along with embarrassing pictures of him in graphic submissive poses.)

Draco is getting confused and rather distressed by the comments people are starting to make about his mother and father. Lucius is outraged with the number of lewd offers for 'parties' by random strangers and the associated embarrassment this puts on the Malfoy name. And Narcissa? She's laughing her arse off and enjoying the attention. She knows full well who's been perpetrating this whole thing and thinks it's a delicious, Slytherin way of getting payback. It also reminds her that she needs to send another letter to a certain raven-haired teen with that week's minutes from the last Death Eater meeting.

Summer before 4th year, Sirius' case was brought before Director Bones by Harry who offered up his memories of the events in the Shrieking Shack and the Dementors. Sirius was remanded to Saint Mungo's to recuperate until his trial. While there, he received a visit from Harry which warmed his heart.

Just before Harry left, the teen got a smirk on his face, "Just wanted you to know and give you something to look forward to; there's a new requirement to prove that you're fit to leave the hospital."

"Oh?" Was Sirius' worried response.

"Yeah, the way I heard it is that to prove your worthiness, you'll need to shag three horny women in one night so get healthy and pay attention to your healers!"

Sirius' raucous laughter echoed through the halls as Harry strutted from the floor with a smug look on his face.

2nd year sees Harry, Hermione, and a couple of other muggleborns pulling an epic prank on the school. After convincing the elves that a change in beverages was needed, Dean Thomas suggested that they swap out pumpkin juice with Coca-cola.
The resulting sugar rush was going to be legendary! 

After learning about the famous Weasley Clock, Harry coordinated with the twins and even Ron (before he started mouthing off about being bored) to intentionally trigger the enchantments from good to bad multiple times just to cause a ruckus at the Burrow and drive their mother to distraction. 

1st year sees Harry and Hermione wandering around the castle. They come across the Grey Lady aka Helena Ravenclaw.

"Excuse us, milady but would you how to get to heaven?" Harry asked the ghost.

Helena's face hardened, "You do not know what you ask. You are too young to be asking such questions."

The kids glance at each other in confusion, "What are you talking about?"

Now Helena was confused as well, "What were you talking about?"

"We were asking for directions to the library."

Helena stared at the pair before snorting out her laughter, "You equate the library to be heaven? Oh, that's hilarious! I mistakenly thought you wanted to know about death. Whew! That's a relief." She kept giggling as she guided them to their destination and waved them in, "Welcome to heaven. I hope you enjoy your stay!"

As Helena floated away, Hermione watched her go and remarked that, "Ghosts are weird..."

Other things Harry saw in the Mirror of Erised during the 3rd floor Gauntlet scene with Quirrellmort:

1) Rowena Ravenclaw performing a pole dance.
2) Severus Snape washing his hair.
3) Albus Dumbledore in a mankini, a unicorn-shaped inflatable inner tube, and rubber swimfins.
4) Draco Malfoy dressed as a ballerina.
5) Ron Weasley surrounded by books and wearing a dunce cap while a anthropomorphic pile of food berates him.
6) (Depending on how they're portrayed) Petunia, Vernon, and Dudley are locked away in a zoo being force fed healthy food.

Set during the Horcrux Hunt in Grimmauld Place (Yaxley didn't catch them as they were fleeing the Ministry so they never abandoned the Manor.) On one mission, the pair went looking for Bathilda Bagshot and discovered not only her dead body but also the book left by Skeeter. (The graveyard scene didn't take place.)

*********

After reading through Skeeter's book on Albus, Harry found himself doing research on Grindlewald in order to understand how he fit in with the Horcrux Hunt and his connection to Dumbledore. When Hermione returned from a scouting mission, he told her what he'd found.

"Grindlewald originally studied at Durmstrang until they kicked him out for practicing magic too Dark even for them. I asked Kreacher if he knew of anyone who could corroborate that and he got me in touch with an elderly elf from a roommate of Grindlewald's at the time. You'll never believe this but Grindlewald made a Horcrux...two, actually."

Hermione groaned, "Don't we already have enough to worry about? Do you know where they are?"

"Well, here's the thing. Only one of those Horcruxes belong to Grindlewald. He helped someone to make the other one."

"Did you find out who made the other one?"

Harry grimaced, "Yeah, it was Dumbledore. He used the murder of his sister to power the ritual. Dumbledore cast the Killing Curse on Ariana."

Hermione paled, "That means Dumbledore is still alive..."

Harry shook his head in disgust, "He's probably laying low until his pieces are in place when he can step in to capture the glory of killing Voldie himself. Remember that idea you had about how pitiful our education system was compared to what it was like before he took over? I think Albus Dumbledore is the Dark Lord of the prophecy. You-know-who is merely a weapon..."

Lighthearted pranks

• Shaving cream and a feather
• Aromatherapy candles (they change from comforting to stinky scents randomly)
• 'Funky' town deodorant (spray version of the candles)
• Squeaky toy shoes
• Make-out mistletoe (2 people are trapped underneath it until they kiss)
• Put confetti into car air vents and the settings to maximum.
• Put mayonnaise into the toothpaste tubes.
• Spike body wash/shampoo with catnip
• Charm someone's accessories (watch, headband, etc) to yell out random light insults.
• Charm the toilet paper to be unbreakable.
• Charm a deck of cards to become blurry at random times.
• Leave a walkie talkie behind a portrait of someone and talk to people as they pass by.
• Transfigure the soles of your or your target's boots to look like predator tracks (bear, mountain lion, etc.)

3rd year sees Harry step up to Albus, Minerva and a couple of others. He hands Albus a wad of cash and points a marked out section of the hallway, "Professor Snape has repeatedly accused me of waltzing around the place like I own it. That money is a down payment until I can get to Gringotts."

He then takes Hermione's hand and leads her into dancing the Viennese waltz while the others watch utterly mystified by the whole thing. Flitwick is cracking up from the humor while Minerva is glaring at Severus.

A cockier, raised by his parents, 11 year old Harry rallies with a more confident Neville and a friendlier Draco to serenade Hermione, Susan Bones/Hannah Abbott, and Pansy Parkinson, respectively with their version of The Three Tenor's rendition of "O sole mio" on their first boat ride across the lake.

The boys are horribly off-key and barely know half the words but the girls don't care. They're giggling and mock swooning at the boys' efforts. After that hilarious introduction, Hermione becomes friends with Harry from that moment and doesn't suffer under Ron's scathing criticism easily. She then goes on to teach Harry how to perform some of her favorite Shakespearean plays.

Tired of the crap that Trelawney has been spewing about his "impending doom" and realizing that Hermione was right about her; Harry leaves behind a number of "improvements" to the Divination classroom:

1. A large bowl of fortune cookies.
2. Replacing all of the crystal balls with fish bowls glued upside down to wooden bases.
3. A box of Magic 8 balls.
4. Several boxes of Lucky Charms cereal.
5. A spinning roulette wheel with the numbers corresponding to a book of "predictions."

Minerva had finally reached the end of her rope with these damned Death Eaters. Her eyes narrowed dangerously that if any of her students, former or current, saw her; they'd be cowering in fear. She stormed up to Voldemort and got right in his face.

"You're an evil, rotten, half-blood bastard, Tom Riddle and if you don't stand down, I will remove your reason for living!!" She all but screamed.

Voldemort smiled oily back her, "Then it looks like you're out of luck, I sacrificed that in a ritual." He was just about to pull his wand back to cast something nasty when a red light flashed between them. 

Copious amounts of blood began pumping out of his leg as the most feared Dark Lord's face in recent memory ran through a series of expression ranging from surprise to fear before he slumped to the ground unconscious.

Harry stepped up and cast the Final curse separating his head from his body ending the battle once in for all. As the others gathered near, Harry asked Minerva what happened, "He said he sacrificed it. What did you sever?"

Minerva's answering grin was all teeth, "His femoral artery, Mr. Potter. Without it, he cannot live. That is but one reason for living. It's his fault for letting me get that close."

Rather than baby Harry (through Lily and James' actions) bringing down the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters at the end of the First Blood War, it's Minerva who accomplishes this. Does she use some incredibly ancient McGonagall Family spell? Does she have some sort of blackmail on them?

Nope. The answer is quite simple. After decades of teaching, she's perfected the art of reducing the most blood-thirsty of beasts and misbehaving students to a cowering quiver with just a single glare. The patented "McGonagall Glare of Death." If she turns that Glare onto you, your life expectancy could be measured in milliseconds.

Not even Bellatrix LeStrange or Lord Voldemort is immune from the awesome, soul crushing power that is Minerva McGonagall. All shall submit or be subjected to Her detentions!!

By the time that 5th year rolls around, Hermione is her accomplished apprentice. With a single raised eyebrow, she's able to get even the Weasley Twins to pause... Harry just gets dreamy-eyed whenever she does this because Potter men love their powerful witches and the feeling is mutual...

Dobby and the other elves surprise and overrun Hogwarts and the Ministry, demanding equal rights with those of humans. To prove that they're willing to do whatever it takes to win, not one elf performs their usual duties. Nothing is cleaned, cooked, or otherwise dealt with.

Without the elves, all services grind to a halt as the magically-raised have to start thinking for themselves.

The only people who are able to get anything done are the muggleborns who are used to everyone having equal rights. By the end of the year, Magical Britain is on its knees and ready to concede to whatever the elves want.

But how are the elves getting by without drawing off the magic of the wixen? Well, if you pay careful attention, you'll notice that the elves are secretly holding meetings at a crofter's cottage located on Potter property where Harry and Hermione happily serve them drinks and whatnot (plus a few ideas on how else to wring concessions out of the aristocracy.)

Everyone knows that the magical portraits like to gossip but what do they really know? How much has happened in front of them over the past millennium?

From its earliest beginnings, up to the modern era; this is an anthology of stories of the school's history, the students, the staff, and the changes that have been wrought as seen through the painted eyes of the castle's permanent inhabitants.

Harry teamed up with Hermione and Luna back during H/Hr's 3rd year to create the ultimate prank spell to be used on their enemies (and "long-suffering" friends.) It started off innocently to pass the time and lighten the mood offset by the presence of the Dementors but by the time that 5th year started, it had become their signature revenge spell.

What is this wonder creation of theirs? When the victim is hit by the turquoise blue spell, they're compelled to only speak as if they were giving a writing prompt with leading questions and ominous tones.

There is no way to end it other than to ride it out and that lasts for 24 hours. The only way to bypass the effects is to write it down which slows everything down.

Hogwarts is doing something different at the start of the 1991/92 school year. Instead of Muggle Studies being a 3rd year elective (and a poorly run outdated joke amongst everyone who's ever taken it); it's now compulsory for all incoming students and being split into 2 different classes.

One class is populated strictly by purebloods and the magically-raised half-bloods, and the second is populated strictly by muggleborns. This was done to ensure that there wouldn't be any distractions. 

MS80= Remedial class that covers basic education that a homeschooled child may have missed. Subjects taken are determined by pre-entrance exam.

MS101= General and updated knowledge of the muggle world. Things included but not limited to currency, how things work, lingo and slang, fashion, entertainment, etc. (Geared for the Puries and magically-raised half-bloods so they don't stick out like sore thumbs.)

MS102= Math, sciences, literature, art, physical education (basically everything that the muggleborns would take had they not enrolled at Hogwarts.)

**********

MS101 runs for 2 years since it's agreed that the students will most likely remain in the magical world.

MS102 runs for all 7 years so the muggleborns can get their high school diploma (or whatever the British equivalent is.)

Any Puries or half-blood who opts to take MS102 passed 3rd year has to be tested. A minimum grade of an EE is required to enter. Those interested but do not meet the requirements have to take the MS80 remedial class.

***********

The press and general public is amazed that the school managed to convince the Board of Directors and Dumbledore to approve and fund these changes. It's revealed that if they hadn't, the Crown would annul the Treaty of Separation and enact their own changes forcefully regardless of blood status. Even Lucius Malfoy secretly admits that it's easier to give the muggleborns what they need educationally so if and when they pass their OWL/NEWT, they can be "encouraged" to go back home. To the Daily Prophet, he was quoted as saying, "This funding is at best half a year's salary for the average Ministry worker. It's not going to strain our coffers and will leave us more time to concentrate on what matters."

What he and the other Directors never realized was that the lone muggleborn Muggle Studies program coordinator was working in conjunction with Gringotts to invest that money and convert some of the profits into outside muggle investments thereby tripling the funding with no one the wiser. There would be no substandard books and equipment for this class!

When asked about the classes successes, Albus tries to claim credit by suggesting that it was for the Greater Good but anyone with two brain cells in their heads knows that he's seething at having an outsider messing around with his plans to keep people conflicted so he can manipulate them for his own purposes.

Fake swears for Harry to use to appease Hermione:

1. “Holy schnikes!”
2. “Suffering Saddle Soap!”
3. “Shostakovich.”
4.  “Son of a motherless goat!”
5. “Mother Pussbucket!”
6. “Holy shitake mushroom!”
7. “Son of rum puncher.”
8. “Fahrvergnügen!”
9. “What the fun!”
10. “Mule fritters!”
11. “Sweet blue blazes!”
12. “Holy Shatner!”
13. “Rigga, ragga, fragga!”
14. “Who in the ham-fat?!”
15. “Frak.”
16. “Mice!”
17. “Gorram.”
18. “Poughkeepsie!”
19. “For the Love of Benji!”
20. “Dirty Cuss Word.”

Chapter Text

Final Punishment: Let that be your lesson
Seventh year. 

Using the petrifying abilities of the Basilisk back in second year as inspiration; Hermione creates a permanent curse-spell that causes a prisoner to progressively turn into a marble statue if they try to leave the perimeter of their prison. Even if the person apparates or Portkeys, it doesn't matter; wherever they land they rapidly become a statue unable to move or speak, but they'll still see and hear everything.

"Change body into marble" = "mutare corpus in marmore."

*********

Albus is on trial for his many crimes against humanity and magical Britain once the threat of Voldemort was dealt with. He's sentenced to life in a tiny crofter's cottage located on the Isle of Wight. He has enough space to take himself for a short walk and a plot of land to grow food. All other contact was forbidden. No news in or out would be permitted. He was told at his sentencing that should he try to leave, he would be subjected to unparalleled pain and torment.

Naturally, he doesn't believe a word said to him so he tests the wards of his prison by attempting to walk to the shoreline. He's horrified to discover that the moment he started past the property's stone fenceline, his left hand is permanently transfigured into marble stone! His wand had been taken from him during his arrest so now he was hobbled from dispelling the curse.

Ten years later and with no other incidences, Albus incorrectly figures that the curse MUST have worn off or turned inactive by now. He created a one-way Portkey to the Orkney Islands (because it's closest to his true target of Hogwarts) using a dinnerplate, inscribed with runes he'd devised and left the cottage. Upon arrival, he cheered for his release until he realized that his legs no longer moved! 

The curse continued to creep up his body until he was completely transformed. Later visitors to the islands would be forever puzzled as to who or why someone would leave a statute of an angrily gesturing bearded man in the middle of nowhere surrounded by sheep and penquins.

Hot Wheels Harry
1st year

Note: the wheelchair used is not those clunky hospital chairs but one of sleek mobility chairs.

While on a school trip in 1990, the bus Harry was on overturned down an embankment. Harry was severely injured and pinned underneath a collapsed section of the bus' framework. After being examined at the hospital, the doctors declare him to be suffering from permanent paralysis from the waist down.

***********

23 July, 1991

Hagrid arrives at the Dursleys to take "Lil Harry Potter" shopping for his school supplies. He's floored when the door opens to a wheelchair bound Harry who greets him, "Hello, can I help you?"

"Erm, I'm here to take you for your school things. Name's Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."

Harry blinked then twisted around and warbled, "Aunt Petunia!"

Petunia came out of the kitchen and spotted Hagrid, "Didn't the school get our letter? We explicitly stated that Harry would be unable to go because of his condition."

Hagrid slowly shook his shaggy head in confusion, "Nah, Perf'sser Dumbledore never mentioned it. Just asked me if I'd like to take young Harry to Diagon Alley. I should contact Perf'sser McGonagall. She'll know what to do." He reached into his coat pocket and withdrew a small owl and a scrap of parchment and a quill. He scribbled out a short message and tied it to the bird's leg before letting it fly away.

When Minerva arrived and saw Harry demonstrating some tricks and proving that he wasn't completely useless, she's appalled and furious at Albus for lying all these years; always rambling on about Harry Potter was 'safe.' 

Fast forward to when Harry gets on the train. Vernon, Petunia and Dudley are there to help load him into the compartment (Hagrid promised to be there to help offload him.) He meets a bushy-haired girl with a slightly bucktoothed smile, inquisitive eyes, and a prosthetic left arm.

The pair bond over their conditions and trying to navigate a "normal" world as well as being thrust into a completely new and magical one. When Albus learns of this setback in Harry's situation, he drops all ties with the boy and shifts gears to the alternate. The problem is, Augusta trusts Albus about as far as she could throw the castle. Hogwarts wasn't designed to house or educate a disabled person, what changes are in store for the castle and its inhabitants?

Now stuck without a "Chosen One," Albus wonders if he can still "make things work" with Harry...

Hermione Jean Granger; Agent Double O-nine and three quarters

What if Hermione wasn't the muggleborn everyone assumed she was? What if her parents weren't ordinary dentists as they told everyone they were?

What if instead, they were all in Her Majesty's service as Watchers? Carefully selected and trained light-sided pureblood and half-blood operatives to keep an eye on the magical world and report back in case the wizards tried to do something monumentally stupid like what that supposed Dark Lord had attempted during the end of the seventies?

When Hermione was 10, she was told about the truth of her parents' mission, she vowed in her own way that she would follow in their footsteps. Now, at age 11, she was off to begin the first leg of her education at Hogwarts. She meets Harry and immediately senses that something's not right. The boy looks healthy, his clothes are clean and fitting, but there's a sense of magic that surrounds him and suggests that appearances can be deceiving.

After the pair was sorted into Gryffindor, Hermione's puzzlement grew. Harry now talks about his guardians as if they were hideous monsters yet he smiled and waved cheerfully at them when they dropped him off. His once clean and fitted clothes now have the appearance of ill-fitting rags and his eyes look haunted.

Using a special pair of glasses specifically created to look past the obvious and to spot hidden magic; she's appalled to see that someone's enchanted the poor boy into being someone else, for reasons she's not sure of yet. "It's almost like someone is forcing him to appear like a preconceived notion of what a magical child raised by muggles should be like!"

Falling back on her training, she sends an encoded message back to her parents alerting them of a potential plot against the muggles, muggleborns, and Harry James Potter.

All Hell breaks loose when Her Majesty is informed. The Potter Family has Peerage out in the non-magical world and woebegone if the Queen will let a bearded fool or anyone else mess around with that!

Final Punishment for Albus based on a scene in TomHRichardson's story "Hasta la vista, Tommy."

Down in the bowels of Gringotts, the cart operator stopped at a humongous low-numbered vault filled to the brim of untold wealth. "Albus Dumbledore, you have a choice. You may collect as much wealth as you want but at a price. For every coin/gem/etc you collect, you lose one memory. Should you become hungry/sleepy/thirsty, you may buy that relief from the vendor (he points to a hot dog stand in the corner) but you must pay for it by collecting the amount required from this vault." He then left Albus standing in shock at the taunting wealth in front of him.

Hermione is getting tired of being seen as nothing more than a homework gnome by Ronald. Harry is fine, in her opinion because he at least tries to put in some effort before coming to her for her advice. 

To mete out punishment, she writes out two versions of her homework. The first one is the correct version. The one she gives Ronald on the other hand, is full of errors and misinformation with the occasional insult directed at the Slytherins thrown in for good measure.

The teachers are NOT amused...

There's a new girl at the start of 6th year. She struts into the school wearing a very revealing school uniform and 12 inch stiletto heels. Her hair is primped up in luxurious curls and waves, she's got ruby red lips and her makeup is top notch. She looks like something out of a porno mag and has all the boys (and a couple of girls) tripping over themselves.

Harry's sitting at his usual spot at Gryffindor table and disdainfully looks her up and down, "I'm not impressed, I prefer Hermione."

Ron slugs him on the shoulder, "Are you barmy, mate? We've finally got someone putting in some effort! If only Granger would bother, I might actually like the bint beyond doing my homework."

Harry catches the eye of the new girl who winks back then pulls her wand and cancels the glamour charm revealing a seriously ticked off at the student population...Minerva McGonagall!

The students start gagging, barfing, and altogether looking like they'd need heavy doses of brain bleach.

In the meantime, Hermione settles onto Harry's lap and gives him a gentle kiss on the cheek, "I knew you were something special, Potter."

Harry shrugged, "Beauty is an illusion. Brains are forever."

Deciding to go "all out" against the treatment he was getting during his 2nd year and the whole Heir of Slytherin thing; Harry teams up with the Hogwarts elves to design the most over the top outfit based on what Salazar Slytherin wore. 

Instead of just green and silver; Harry went with Neon green and chrome, he got Hermione's help in casting a glamour to give him a bald head and van Dyke beard. He finished off the look with a wand that resembled something that Tinkerbelle would use, complete with an oversized star on the end.

The Weasley Twins naturally joined in to offer their services in making the prank all that more memorable. Harry wandered around the school "blessing" those who he announced were "True Believers." 

Aside from a few, the school got the joke and bowed and scraped before him in a mocking manner. As a final act, he openly declared Hermione to be his Queen, Heiress of Ravenclaw, Neville as his Compatriot in Hufflepuff and Luna as the Captain of the Adventure Brigade.

Ron started whining, "What's my title?"

Harry stares imperiously at the redhead, "I declare you to be the King of the Bragdaccio!"

Ron beams in pride, blissfully unaware why everyone's laughing and snickering when he passes by.

Harry has a different ability than most. He's able to see people, places, events, etc as little points of light; each color-coded and connected to each other by thin strands. All of the information about that point of light can be reviewed just by thinking about it. Everything and everyone from the distant past to the ever-changing point of "Now." He can see how everything and everyone is interconnected in one giant, amorphous shape.

He calls it 'The Cloud.'

With this ability, he knows the truth about why Dumbledore is obsessed with controlling him, why Voldemort wants to kill him, why Ronald wants to mooch off him.

Most importantly, he knows why Hermione is in love with him... 

The story starts the day he gets his Hogwarts letter and convinces his aunt and uncle to take him to Diagon Alley and meet with the Goblins. He shares critical information regarding a number of things like the Horcrux hidden in Bellatrix's vault, and the Philosopher's Stone (which is a violation of a treaty somewhere.)

From there, he withdraws money, gets his vault key changed and his parents' Will read. Next, he goes to Flourish and Blott's to get his school books plus some books on etiquette and customs.

This Harry Potter is not going to be a doormat. This Harry Potter is going to shake things up.

The Cloud will show him the way...

The Mystery of Sally-Anne Perks

Sally-Anne Perks has a secret. It's a secret that she hopes never gets out. On the other hand, if Harry Potter found out; she wouldn't mind...

You see, Sally-Anne is a natural-born Animagus. Her form is that of a Snowy Owl; one that just happens to be the familiar to Harry James Potter. The story starts when Hagrid unknowingly bought her from her captors (not that she blamed the shopkeeper, he didn't know) and was presented to a lonely boy named Harry Potter. Sally-Anne desperately wants to tell him her secret but doesn't want to lose his love and trust. She loves cuddling with him and showing affection that only an owl knows how.

When Hermione enters the picture, Sally-Anne rejoices in knowing that this intelligent girl can help show her best friend how to live and love. 'She could be like a big sister for me.'

She takes her cues about how to guide Harry into not behaving like a typical unthinking boy from Hermione. She brooks no argument from him whenever she thinks she's right and it leads to some hilarious interactions, especially when he loses.

Halfway through their third year, Sally-Anne makes the big decision to reveal her true self after Harry and Hermione learn about the concept of Animagi. She hesitantly approaches the pair while they were quietly studying in the library.

Shyly, she practically whispers, "Hello, Harry. I'm Sally-Anne... I'm your owl."

Child of Potter, Son of Evans
Starts 1st year

When Harry first looked over his school supply list, he frowned at the thought of using a pewter cauldron. "That can't be right," he murmured. He took the list to his uncle and asked him for his opinion, "I thought pewter melts really easily; why would they want us to use a pot made from it?"

Vernon also examined it with a puzzled frown, "That's a good question. The short answer is, I don't know. What I do know is that you're not going to get a pewter cauldron. You'll go with your aunt and I to pick up something more forgiving to a beginner student."

When they got to Diagon Alley to exchange some money and to pick up some extra books after getting the proper laboratory equipment, Petunia asked the bookseller who the potion's professor was. She was informed that it was Severus Snape. Her face grew introspective.

When asked about that look, Petunia relates that she remembers a Severus Snape. "He was a mean-spirited boy who thought everyone else was an idiot for not understanding what came easily to him. If he is going to be your teacher, and he starts in on you; just remember that you have options. We can hire a tutor if need be."

Harry was curious, "How do you know? I thought you said once that you were upset that you couldn't learn magic."

Petunia smirked, "I couldn't learn magic at HOGWARTS. Lily helped me learn magic through correspondence mail. I may not be able to wave a wand but I AM certified to be Herbology and Arithmancy teacher plus, I have my certifications for Business and Finance."

When he finally got into his first potion's class, Professor Snape berated him for not following the rules. Harry however, remained resolute. His eyes narrowed dangerously in a manner that caused Snape to freeze in fear, "I don't know what's with the magical world's fascination with stupid ideas but a cauldron made out of a metal that can be melted on an ordinary stovetop is one of the stupidest I've heard of. My equipment is made from chemistry lab grade materials and is a HELL of a lot more forgiving to a beginner. If you don't like that, I'm just as happy to hire a tutor who won't yell at me and will teach basic laboratory safety as is required by all REPUTABLE schools!"

Later, Minerva stopped by to get his side of the incident. She found him nursing a tumbler of whiskey. "Minerva, you need to find someone else to teach Potter potions. After having to sit through an entire session of seeing HIS face, I then got smacked around hearing her HER voice."

"Lily?!" She gasped.

Severus took a deep draw on his whiskey before looking up and staring at her right in the eyes, "Lily Evans is alive and well in her son's eyes and not at all pleased. He gave me a single breath rant I haven't experienced since 5th year. If he's channeling her spirit, Heaven help us all."

Harry's Anti-Charm Offensive

Annoyed by the awed stares from the other students, he enlists Hermione's help in coming up with a way to knock some of that glitz and glitter everyone seems to have applied to his public image.

Each weekend, he dresses just as any boy his age would (track bottoms, a bathrobe, fuzzy bunny slippers in the morning and beat up old trainers in the afternoon, a T shirt with a funny saying); and behaves like any boy his age would (challenging the others with belching contests, getting a football game or two going, daring others to pull crazy stunts on a broom.)

He even sits up at the front of the Great Hall and willingly lets the Weasley Twins try out some of their pranks on him!

By the end of the month, the shine is gone and the student population no longer sees him as Harry Potter 'The Boy Who Lived' but as 'Just Harry' like he always wanted.

Something ain't right...
3rd year. 

Harry is "concerned." After suffering through 2 years of allegedly the 'best school in Britain,' he takes a long hard look at the state of things within the castle and surrounding valley. 

The brooms are ancient and dangerous, the potions lab is dank and disgusting, there are no counseling services for students, the teachers are overworked, understaffed or inappropriate to a school setting. The caretaker Filch, routinely threatens bodily harm to the students and doesn't clean anything besides mopping out a few hallways. Moaning Myrtle's bathroom is a cesspool and then there's the whole Chamber of Secrets thing. His history teacher is a ghost and Snape barely teaches anything and is verbally abusive to anyone not in his House.

And those are things he experienced personally. Where did all the money go? What happened to all the classes and extracurricular activities Hogwarts used to have? Who is supposed to be overseeing the operations of the school?

When Harry learns of the Board of directors and how they view the position as hereditary, with no real eye on caring what happens to the school; he's incensed. 

With Hermione's and several other muggleborns help, they petition the Crown to step in and do something about it. After all, if they aren't learning what they need to control their magic; it could potentially spill over into the muggle world and no one wants that, now do they?

Hermione has been hiding a secret. A royally huge secret. She is in fact a real life princess! While she may not be all that high up on the hierarchy, she's still in the top 20.

Harry figured it out in the middle of 2nd year (before she got petrified) and confronted her on it. Embarrassed at being caught out, she swore him to secrecy. Harry shrugged and told her that it didn't matter if she was the Queen; she would still be his best friend who got bouncy at the sight of new books to read.

When she got petrified, Harry did something that had unforeseen consequences, he magically declared that he was Her Highness Princess Hermione Jean Granger's Champion and he would do whatever it took to avenge her. 

Magic and the castle responded. The suits of armor pledged to assist him, books of sword fighting were presented to him, a team of elves appeared to act as his footmen and training team. The ghosts acted as his lookouts. While he wouldn't be able to hold his own against an attacking army, Harry at least knew the basics.

"Just remember that the sharp, pointy end goes TOWARD your attacker," his ghostly trainer reminded him.

Meanwhile, the school is utterly floored that A. They have a real princess going to school with them. B. They get to see what happens when you piss off a Potter (Severus claims that the righteous anger is really coming from the Evans blood in him.)

Dumbledore tries to interfere but the castle shuts him up and smacks him down.

Minerva does something she thought she'd never do; she disobeyed Albus and contacted the DMLE to let them know the situation.

Neville appears next to Harry, gripping a sword, a determined look on his face, "Where a Potter goes, a Longbottom will back him up!"

Draco scoffs that the mudblood Granger is a real princess until one of the older students shows him the Royal Directory.

Ron is...well, Ron. Pick your favorite reason why he's behaving like a prat.

Queen Elizabeth views Hermione as a cousin. When She hears what happened to Her cousin, the magical world will get a taste of being a colony once again.

The summer before third year and Dudley's tormenting Harry again. Fed up, he pulls his wand and threatens to give his cousin something worse than a pig's tail. In a moment of thickheaded stupidity, Dudley dares him, threatening that his dad would pound the runt into the ground.

Undeterred, Harry cast a spell at Dudley. Dudley gripped his backside but didn't find anything out of place. Then he noticed a growing pressure in front of him. He raced fearfully into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

Vernon came to investigate the noise, "What did you do to him, boy?"

"Gave him a third leg."

Vernon stared puzzled at his nephew in law as he knocked on the bathroom door, "Dudley? Are you okay?"

"THIS IS BLOODY AWESOME!!" came the warbled yell of joy. Dudley stepped out without his pants proudly showing off his greatly increased "manly appendage."

*********

When Harry met up with his friends and told them what happened; Neville was curious as to how that could be a punishment? 

Harry got a wicked grin on his face, "That night, I put a compulsion in his mind. He now no longer likes girls, only men. They're going to have to deal with their perceived shame that their baby boy is a poofter!"

Hermione really wanted to admonish him for gay shaming until he explained that their public image was all they cared about and it was the first thing he thought of. "If you got something better, I'll be happy to alter the compulsion, Hermione."

Hermione sat there thinking hard before eyes brightened, "What if he got hard thinking of pigs in a wig? Didn't you once compare him to that?"

Harry stared at her in wide-eyed admiration then knelt down and began praising her brilliance, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!!"

Transplanted Potter
Five years before 1st year.

Professor Pomona Sprout accidentally got a letter addressed to Albus about the dreadful condition the Potter boy was living under and a plea for him to fix it. Curious, she travels to the return address and sees for herself. Utterly appalled by what she saw, Pomona immediately removed Harry from the Dursleys and secreted him away to a family farm up in Scotland.

There, he was lovingly raised by her squib relatives to not only respect and nurture all living things but to also practice Earth Magic. While the rest of the magical world believed Harry was traveling the world, learning arcane magic; he was in reality learning how to raise pigs, cows, vegetables, and enjoying the life of a farmer's (adopted) son.

When September 1, 1991 arrived, a windswept, wiry-strong Harry Potter stepped onto the train ready to shake things up.

The Potter Family Magic is ancient, powerful and smarter than many people would give such "entities" credit for. It's almost as if it were sentient.

After that fateful night, when Harry was dumped on the Dursleys' doorstep by Albus, baby Harry woke up earlier due to a failed charm Albus improperly set. He looked around blearily and cried out for his parents. His injured magic reached out through time and space and connected to the Ancient One. 

The Original Potter looked down on the crying last surviving heir and declared that the boy would be raised by those who loved him. With a glowing pulse of magic, James and Lily are reborn into their original bodies. Confused and distraught, they begin searching for their son. It was only a chance encounter with Hagrid who was deep into his cups, did they learn what happened and where Harry was.

Incensed at the old man's callousness, the pair retrieved their son from Petunia and Vernon, who at this point had already discovered Harry on their doorstep and were trying to figure out what to do. Petunia and Lily made up after much yelling, Vernon offered James a second chance (which was accepted.)

Their plans going forward were simple, lay low at Potter Manor, get a hold of Sirius and Remus and raise their son.

********

Fast forward 10 years, the Potters have grown to a family of five. James, Lily, Harry and their triplet daughters (pick flower names tbd.) Harry is a good son, looks after his sisters and has a natural affinity for ceramic arts. He also loves flying, working alongside his mother in the garden and learning the fine art of pranking. Also, for some reason, Harry had begun receiving intuition that learning Shakespeare's plays and sonnets (particularly A Winter's Tale) was of the utmost importance.

He meets Hermione on the train and after he learns her name, he quotes a couple of lines from the play. She's utterly mystified that someone other than her parents know that story. They spend an enjoyable train ride discussing their lives and interests. Neville appears looking for his toad; his fears of losing it are assuaged that everything on the train is eventually returned to its owner after the sorting. He joins them in the compartment and is drawn into an animated discussion with Harry over fertilizers and plant growing tips. 

Harry lets them both into his secret that his parents survived that night and he'd been raised by them. "Never trust what you read, you never know what the motives of the writer is." After getting sorted, Harry writes home about meeting Hermione and Neville. He asks his parents to check in on the Longbottom parents since Neville let slip that they were hurt by the LeStranges.

This is a different tale than what you're used to. This Harry flatly refuses to dance to Albus' tune. He knows the game plan and is determined to change it. This Harry, backed by strong Family Magic, will take the Wizarding world by storm.

The Great Hall is silent but for the occasional nervous cough. Harry stepped up to the podium and cleared his throat, "Ahem, I'll keep this short. If you want any more prompts from Kevin Finkel, all you have to do is pick one of those already posted then write and publish a minimum of a five thousand word one shot and send me fifty thousand Galleons for having to deal with you lot."

With that, he stepped off the stage and disappeared into the Room of Requirement with Hermione and Luna for some fun time.

During the Second Blood War, Hermione created a magical virus designed to target those of a certain power level or below on the Merlin Power Index. To make sure she didn't run the risk of infecting muggleborns or the Light-side; she also developed the vaccine.

She makes sure that the virus is transmitted through airborne contact via mucus membranes then unleashes it against Magical Britain. The symptoms range from severe migraines to complete and total loss of magic. The lesser symptoms last for a week and no pain relievers are effective.

The effects are devastating, effectively rendering the Puries unable to fight. 

3rd year and Harry's feeling bold. After talking to all four school Quidditch teams; he gets them to organize tryouts for one single team.

The purpose? They're going to challenge the teachers and staff to an ultimate play-off. Winners get bragging rights in the Daily Prophet.

Once the student team was squared away and because it was his idea, Harry approached the Teacher's Table at dinner. "Professors, in light of the extraordinary need of a morale booster, given our unwelcome 'protection;' the school's Quidditch teams and I are issuing a challenge to all of you. A Students vs Teachers Quidditch Match. Winners get bragging rights in the Daily Prophet. You think you got what it takes or should we break out the blankets and warming creams for those old joints of yours?"

Minerva's eyes narrowed dangerously yet there was a definite twitch of a smile, "Aye, I'm down for it."

Flitwick beamed happily and clapped his hands excitedly, "Ooh! This ought to be fun."

Severus sneered, "I have better things to do than waste my time on this nonsense."

Harry buffed his nails on his shirt, "Did I forget to mention that if you play, and win, the Weasley Twins will give you the recipe to one of their prank potions?"

"Why should..."

"The Golden Idol Potion? The one that Director Croaker himself proclaimed to be the most wickedly complex and potentially lucrative potion in existence?" Harry snickered at the stunned look on the usually dour man's face. "The game will be held a week before Easter holidays. Be prepared to lose, moldy-oldies!"

******

The game attracted the attention of the Ministry, the town of Hogsmeade, Diagon Alley, the Daily Prophet, and several of the professional Quidditch teams. The game was brutal but fair (the students still had to have classes with their teachers.) In the end, it was Minerva McGonagall vs Harry Potter as Seekers. The score was a staggeringly close 510-500 in favor of the students.

The Seekers had targeted the Snitch and were closing. Closer, closer, their hands outstretched...the Snitch was just millimeters from their fingertips! The audience were screaming their lungs out in support for their favorites.

Who was going to get the win? That's up to the author.

What's the definition of an evil Hufflepuff?
Someone who bakes raisin cookies but charms to smell like chocolate.

*******

Voldemort stepped into his evil lair and stuttered to a halt. Something was different. He spotted one of his new minions near the window looking suspiciously like he was hanging something like a flower garland from a curtain rod.

"What are you doing?" He hissed.

"Just trying to brighten things up. You've been so moody lately, I thought the room could use a bit of cheer."

The Dark Lord Voldemort stared in open-mouthed befuddlement as his most loyal Hufflepuff minion hummed happily as he continued to decorate.

In the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy; Harry, Hermione and the other muggleborns put together a skit, "You might be a pureblood if..."

The comedy has the muggleborns and half bloods rolling in the aisles while the Puries, both Light and Dark, are sitting there commenting (and occasionally blushing),

"Yeah, that happened" or "That was my cousin on my dad's side!"

A funny thing happened on the way to Hogwarts

1st year, Diagon Alley. Just after Hagrid and Harry returned to the surface after retrieving the Stone.

Instead of going on alone and feeling rather hungry, Harry stopped in at a cafe and ordered a sandwich. He people-watched as he ate and noticed a quartet of adults sitting next to him and quietly discussing the sorry state of the school.

"Excuse me," Harry interjected, "I couldn't help overhearing but why do you say that Hogwarts has fallen on hard times? I thought it was supposed to be the best school in Britain."

A raven-haired man with a distinctive set of green eyes sneered a bit, "That may have been true up to a hundred years ago but ever since the current headmaster took over, it's become a dump." Puzzled, Harry asked him what he meant. "What I mean is that Slytherin House has become a breeding ground for bigotry and hatred. The brooms used for training are worn out and dangerous, the staff are overworked and usually inappropriate for a school setting. The Defense teachers only stay for one year if they're lucky."

A powerful looking auburn haired man shook his head, "The other three Houses are just as bad in their own way. Ravenclaw used to be about learning new things but these days, their mindset is if it's not published nice and neat in a book, it doesn't exist and woe to anyone who dares join their ranks who thinks otherwise."

"What about Hufflepuff and Gryffindor?" Harry asked quietly.

The blonde of the group smirked at the auburn haired man, "Gryffindor is the House of the braggarts and sports fanatics. If you're not trying to constantly one-up each other, they'll never give you a moment's peace. As for Hufflepuff, they're fairly even tempered though in the eyes of the rest of the school; they're seen as a dumping ground for those who don't fit in the other three Houses."

The brunette of the group nodded her agreement at her company's assessments. She peered closely at Harry, "You look like a Potter though they tend to be on the burlier side." 

Harry blushed at her observation but he was still curious, "If you know what's wrong, why don't you try to fix it?"

The raven-haired man leaned over to whisper, "If we did that, we'd never get a moment's peace. You see, the four of us are rather famous much like yourself, Harry Potter."

Harry gulped, "Oh. Well, do you have any advice on how to get through my schooling at Hogwarts?"

The auburn-haired man's eyes twinkled, "Follow your heart."

The blonde smiled mysteriously, "Study as much as you can."

The brunette grinned warmly, "Be true to yourself and fair to everyone around you."

The raven-haired man winked, "Be scrupulous in your dealings with others."

The four got up from their table and started gathering their belongings. The raven haired man added one more thing, "Do yourself a favor when you get old enough to understand love and listen to your magic. A Potter always goes for the Smartest Witch of her Era. Your father did it with your mother, as did his father and so on."

Harry waved good-bye to each of them before returning to his lunch. When Hagrid came to get him, Harry told him about the four people he met.

Hagrid looked puzzled, "That's not possible, Harry. That cafe has been shut down for years. I found you sitting on a lone chair by yourself."

Harry whirled around and felt his jaw practically scraping the ground. The site was boarded up and there was no trace of the cafe. A single beat-up chair was leaning up against the wall.

"But..."

Chapter Text

Nearly everyone went to Hogwarts, right? That would mean that nearly every student must've left their imprints behind when they graduated.

5th year and it's the Tyranny of Umbridge. Harry was spending some alone time in the RoR to clear his head when he inadvertently asked the Room if it had any information, anything really, on Dolores Umbridge.

Well, the Room provided and what it provided would've sickened a necromancer. Harry ran from the Room and hurried to find Hermione and Susan Bones. He needed Hermione's comforting presence and Susan's connection with her aunt.

Director Amelia Bones was called in to investigate. She poked around for a couple of minutes while the teens waited in the hall. When she returned, her face was grim, "Stay here and don't let anyone inside." She then called in for back-up.

After Umbridge was arrested, Amelia and the Director of the DoM Saul Croaker, were interviewing Harry and Hermione to find out more about this Room. Hermione explained that it's known by many names and only appears when a person has a real need for it and always in the perfect configuration.

Harry wondered, "What if we try asking about other people? If I recall correctly, nearly everyone went to school here, right? Maybe other people left their imprints too."

Croaker was impressed and curious, "Who else did you have in mind?"

Shrugging, Harry replied, "I wouldn't mind seeing my parents, but I was thinking maybe the headmaster or Tom Riddle."

Amelia frowned, "Who is that?"

Hermione explained, "He changed his name after he graduated. You know him now as Lord Voldemort."

The group went back into the Room to test out Harry's theory. What they found on so many people stunned them to their cores.

People investigated:

Albus Dumbledore
Tom Riddle/Lord Voldemort
Severus Snape
Molly Weasley nee Prewitt
Cornelius Fudge
Corbin Yaxley
Lucius Malfoy
Walden MacNair
Sirius Black
James Potter
Lily Potter nee Evans
Remus Lupin
Peter Pettigrew

The Marauders would be proud...
4th year.

After the hassle of not being believed that he didn't enter his name into the Goblet of Fire; Harry decides it's time to enact some revenge. Giving in to his inner Slytherin, Harry spiked a large batch of Honeydukes Finest Chocolates with Veritaserum then sent them out as anonymous gifts to various people the following day.

Hermione is puzzled by his look of evil anticipatory glee at breakfast as the recipients of the tainted chocolates cheer and begin chowing down.

Once he's satisfied that all those targeted had consumed enough and were sitting in their seats rather glassy-eyed, he rose to his feet and walked up to the Teacher's Table,

"May I have your attention, please? I only have one question for you all. What don't you want me to know?"

Secrets are revealed, lies uncovered, and some hard truths are hammered home.

What can we get Ron to do now?

Summer before third year

Harry was trolling through the second hand discount shop in Diagon Alley looking for...well, anything really. His eye caught onto a book titled, 'The Art of the Mind.' In it were instructions on how to occlude his mind against intruders, how to turn that probe around and use it against your enemies as well as how to Obliviate and alter memories and behaviors.

"Wow, all this for a mere ten Galleons?!"

After studying the entire book with a fervor that would've made Hermione proud, he tests his newfound knowledge on Dudley (he got his cousin's and aunt's permission first.) He poked around in his memories, made him believe he was a puppy and commanding him to perform acrobatic tricks he'd never be able to do normally.

Emboldened, Harry decides to try it out on Ron Weasley as a prank when they meet up on the train. First thing Harry does, is poke around in the redhead's memories. Harry's appalled at the scenes where both his mother and Dumbledore lay out plans to control who has access to The-Boy-Who-Lived.

Albus' plan was to have Ron gain his trust and friendship then lead him around by the nose and only allow those on the approved list get close to Harry. Molly wanted Ron to steer him into getting friendly with his sister Ginny and eventually get married to the girl; thereby giving Molly access to the legendary Potter Fortune.

Harry was hopeful that Ron was just an unwilling or unknowing pawn in either of these schemes but it turned out that Ron was getting paid by Albus 10 Galleons a month (out of Harry's trust vault no less!) His mother promised him a portion of the family fortune with the successful impregnation of his sister (Ginny has been utterly clueless as to all the machinations around her.) 

Angry and frustrated, Harry obliviates Ron of all his memories related to their plans then implants a new memory that has the prat believe that HE'S the Chosen One. After a few minutes, an evil smirk grows on his face. He implants new ideas into Ron's mind suggesting that every Tuesday he wanders around the school in a girl's uniform, he has to study for a minimum of an Acceptable grade on any test if he ever wants to eat again, and he must never eat like an uncivilized cretin or he will be banned from playing Quidditch for life.

Hermione caught wind of Harry's plans (and what caused this bout of retribution) and hands him a list of things SHE'D love to see the tosser do too.

Soon, the number of people who would love to see what they can get Ron to do grows. Neville, Luna, pretty much any Slytherin, even the Twins hand him a list of ideas...

(Yvette Maxwell) Even Draco Malfoy came to him with a list, saying, "I'm willing to PAY YOU to make this list happen for me, Potter. A word of advice, however: NEVER get on the bad side of a girl in my House. Just based on SOME of the things they put on this list, they can be even more evil than the Dark Lord if they're angry enough, and apparently your pet Weasel has made a few of them angry."

The Power of Family

After letting everyone believe that they'd a falling out with the Potters, Petunia and Vernon Dursley maintained a low profile in the magical world during the First Blood War.

It wasn't true though; both families maintained regular contact using means of communication that the wizards couldn't intercept (mirrors or the telephone.) They both appreciated magic as a tool rather than a mystical power that could benefit humankind if properly utilized. 

Vernon bought enough shares in the Daily Prophet to be a minor power player with the intent that if push came to shove; he could combine his shares with those owned by James and Lily to redirect the news the way they wanted. He also invested money in the Nimbus Racing Broom Company (under the advisement from James Potter who also had shares.)

Petunia invested in a couple of businesses that catered to both muggleborn and half-bloods located on one of the side streets to Diagon Alley. One was a medium-priced apothecary while the other was a bookseller. She also had a vault with Gringotts via Barclays bank just in case the entrance to the magical world was blocked.

When Albus dumped Harry onto their doorstep, the two adult Dursleys were ready for the coming war. A war of public image. Dumbledore's 'Boy-Who-Lived' versus 'Harry Potter, Son of James and Lily.'

By September 1991, a vastly different Harry stepped onto the train ready to shake things up.

Possible scene for 5th year.

Career advice time

Harry entered Minerva's office and frowned slightly at the sight of High Inquisitor Umbridge sitting off to the side armed with her ever present clipboard and quill.

"Have a seat, Mr. Potter. Now, have you considered what you'd like to do?" Minerva asked him.

"Well, I had originally wanted to become an Auror," Umbridge made a noise of contempt, "but since then I've thought that perhaps I could open my own business."

Both women blinked in surprise, neither had expected this. "What sort of business did you have in mind?"

"An owl rescue and retirement home. I started wondering what happens to owls when they get too old to work after seeing condition of the Weasley's owl this morning."

Umbridge cleared her throat, "Hem, hem. I'm...actually impressed. I thought you were going to waste your time trying convince me that you would be a good Auror despite your dismal grades."

Later, Minerva pulled him aside, "What was the REAL reason you wanted this career track?"

Harry shrugged, "I'm tired of doing what's expected of me because of who my parents were. My dad was an Auror, right? Everyone expects me to follow in his footsteps because it's 'traditional.' I'm going to do something that's not life-threatening or potentially injury-prone unless I get an owl that's got an attitude. That and be a good husband to Hermione."

Star wars/Harry Potter crossover (or fusion)

Starts 1 year before the Episode 3 Jedi Purge.

Jedi Masters Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are not convinced that the war is going to end well for the Jedi and the Republic. To that end, the pair begin making copies of all the records and artifacts. They then relocate them and the younglings to a distant world out in the Unknown Regions.

Thanks to her years in the Archive, Hermione discovered a single recording of this system, specifically the third world designated as "Earth." From that, she sent a probe to investigate further. It sent back information that revealed this world would be perfect to hide on until things settle. She shared this information with Harry as they began their preparations.

They arrive on Earth (1000 years prior to HP/PS) and begin setting up their new temple on the island nation of Britain in the region of Scotland. They discover a quartet of similar Force users in the planning stages of setting up a school. Harry and Hermione (plus those younglings who are old enough) join them in the castle's construction.
Once the castle was built, the Founders of Hogwarts assisted in building a temple in the cliffs to house the Jedi Records and Artifacts. After all was done, Harry and Hermione help the younglings disperse and blend into their new home.

A legend would build up over the years. A repository of incredible knowledge and wealth. A legend of galactic proportions.

Harry just wants to take a nap

Post war, fluffy family one shot

Being Head of the Potter Family, and Chief Warlock, and his kids' Junior Quidditch Coach, and being a loving husband to Hermione means Harry is one very busy beaver. It also means that when he wants to take a nap, it feels like the world is conspiring against him in trying to get a bit of peace and quiet. 

Follow him on his hunt to find a nice place to settle down for an hour or three to rest his eyes. It won't be easy; as everyone knows. No one looks for you while you're awake, only when you're asleep.

When Harry went shopping...

Hermione was busy with their kids so it was up to Harry to do the shopping. It's something he's never had to do before, not even when he was living with the Dursleys.
He entered the grocery store and froze.

Confronted with so many options, he starts to panic. Catsup vs Ketchup? Which brand of canned beans did she want? Was he supposed to get baby carrots or regular? Was the price of beef too much or is this normal?
Harry's very hesitant to call Hermione; she's busy and he doesn't want to be seen as incompetent. He led an army, for Merlin's sake; but the thought of making a mistake over the cut of beef and the look on Hermione's face...

Oh what he wouldn't give to have Dobby and Winky; but the pair of elves were still on their honeymoon!

Quick scene

Harry stood up on a chair and loudly declared that in his opinion, "Dean Thomas and Angelina Johnson were a Dark Wizard and Dark Witch, respectively."

Nearly everyone was yelling angrily back at him that it wasn't possible! Everyone except Hermione and Luna, both of whom were giggling like mad. Luna even took Dean by the hand and patted him on the arm, "You must admit, Dean Thomas, that you DO look like a scrumptious "dark" wizard."

It took a few minutes before the Weasley Twins caught on and dropped to their knees worshipping their Dark Mistress. Now everyone was confused; if the Twins were getting involved, it had to be a prank but no one got the joke. 

Harry walked up to Dean and specifically pointed at his skin, "I declare that Dean Thomas is a "Dark" Wizard!"

Now everyone got it and let out a round of facepalming and loud, anguished groans. Dean turned a long suffering look onto Angelina, "What do you say, Dark Witch Angelina? Shall we punish the sheep-minded fools or just Harry for being such a plonker?"

Angelina grinned wickedly at Harry, "Quidditch practice is tomorrow; I think I'll save my retribution until then."

Harry gulped in wide-eyed nervousness and took off running when Dean turned back to him and yelled at his retreating form, "You still have to return to your dormitory, Potter!"

Arthur Weasley could be seen as an affable man. Easy-going, loved a good joke every now and then; he enjoyed the wonderful food his wife cooked and his family.

What no one expected was that Arthur Weasley could be just as cunning and sneaky as any self-respecting Slytherin. During the First Blood War, Arthur set himself up as the muggleborn's go-to guy to answer questions and concerns about the magical world. He calmly explained how things worked and what they could expect. The other purebloods scoffed at his efforts and made sure that he would never rise above Department Head of the most useless job title within the Ministry.

Arthur had no problem with that as it allowed him to continue his work in secret. Not even Dumbledore knew the truth. What was the truth? Arthur Weasley was in fact an operative sent in by Her Majesty's government to keep an eye on the magical world and send back reports through the 'muggleborns' that came to visit him.

After the demise of Voldemort and little Harry Potter's disappearance; it was Arthur who contacted the muggle Prime Minister about what happened. From there, it was too easy for the PM to find and inform the Dursleys that important people would be watching them to make sure that young Harry was raised in a loving home.

Petunia didn't have a problem with that. She too, had a secret. She and her sister only pretended to have a falling out to fool the idiotic, long-bearded old man with the stick into believing they hated magic.

The PM helped get the Dursleys into programs and services to assist young families, as well as giving them a contact within the magical world, named Arthur Weasley, who would be happy to answer any questions they might have with raising Harry.

While that was happening, Arthur was alerted about another muggleborn whose family needed help adjusting and understanding their new paradigm. The regular Accidental Magic Reversal and Obliviator Squad were overloaded trying to cover up the end of the war, no thanks to the imbecilic Diggle or others like him shooting off their wands in celebration. He arrived at a large university library where the toddler daughter of two dentists had somehow commandeered the entire building, forcing everyone out and locking herself inside where all the pretty books were stored.

Arthur Weasley and Petunia Dursley, two of the most unlikely people to reshape and guide the future of Magical Britain.

3rd year, Harry was getting a bit frustrated by Hermione's increasingly frantic study habits. She was muttering to herself about how she knew she was going to fail based on the last quiz.

Finally deciding that drastic measures needed to be done, he yanked the book out her hands. When she looked up angrily to berate him; Harry took her face in both hands and kissed her on the lips. 

Hermione's eyes flew open but soon melted in pleasure at being kissed. When they finally broke apart, she dreamily leant back in her chair, blissfully happy and quiet.

Seeing how being kissed affected his best friend, Harry resolved to use this tactic whenever her passions about learning grew to be excessive. Who knows, it might actually be a good idea to kiss her even when they didn't have to study?

(18+ story)
The Orgasmic Power He Knows Not

The Horcrux Hunt was going poorly for Harry and Hermione. Ron had deserted them, they were sniping at each other over the littlest things and the weather was dismal. That all changed when one evening, as Hermione was coming out of the shower, she happened to get a glimpse of Harry as he stood in his room bare naked going through some stretches. 

She stared at his lean body and nearly drooled when her eyes got a good look at his "package." She caught herself staring and hurried off into her bedroom.

A similar thing happened to Harry when he was finished with his shower. He stumbled across Hermione laying face down, arse up and her fingers teasing and playing with herself. He stared at her beautifully sculpted bottom for a few minutes before boldly entering her space, kneeling down and replaced her fingers with his.

Hermione gasped at the shift but soon began moaning with pleasure at his minstrations. When he buried his face between her cheeks, she lost all higher cognitive function and began grinding herself on his face.

*******

While they were in the throes of passionate sex, Lord Voldemort was in absolute agony. Whatever was causing this pain seemed to start slowly, like an itch at the back of his eyes and radiating outwards, building to an intense crescendo that had him feeling like he'd rather be hit by a Cruciatus Curse.

*********

This exchange happened over the course of months. Sometimes it hit a couple of times a day, sometimes not. Voldemort even tried to look into Harry's mind after twigging to the possibility that their connection might have something to do with it. Unfortunately, by doing so; it caused the effects to double their intensity.

***********

After Harry told her what he'd experienced through the link, Hermione suggested they experiment to see what other events they could trigger and at what strength. It finally came to a head when Hermione suggested that they take part in orgy with Daphne Greengrass, Luna Lovegood, and the Patil Twins. 

The resulting magical shockwave caused by the intense sex, caused Voldemort's head to explode in a gory explosion of bone and blood, releasing the spirit within. His audience of his minions were horrified by what they'd seen. Many deserted his ranks immediately. Unfortunately for Voldie, it was during a Beltane ritual in which the veil between worlds was thinning, which allowed spirits to pass over. The Powers that be were enabled to grab a hold of his damaged spirit (plus his anchors) and drag him to Hell.

Harry and his partners all finished with a VERY happy ending...

(Revamped idea of a deleted prompt)

Hermione's father, Daniel Granger, former SAS and now dentist; kept tabs of what was going on in the magical world despite his little girl's insistence that everything was fine and that she could handle it.

Seeing the downward spiral towards Darkness before the start of the 4th year, he went to meet with Garrick Ollivander with an idea and a challenge. Could the venerable wandmaker create a sniper rifle version of a wizard's staff?

Dan provided the technical details and agreed to pay for the finished piece. By the time of the Third Task, it was ready. Embued with enchantments to improve handling, spellcasting speed and accuracy, plus being able to shrink to a tiny size so it could be worn around Hermione's neck like a pendant. It would never jam or run out of "bullets."

When she got home for the summer holidays, Dan provided his baby with her new "wand" and walked her through the steps to blood-bond with it as Ollivander had laid out for him. He then proceeded to teach his daughter how to use it. 

By the time that Hermione re-entered Hogwarts at the start of 5th year, she exuded a lethality about her that was undeniable, even by the purebloods. For once, even Draco refrained from hassling her.

If the Death Eaters came calling, then she would act as a proper hostess and serve them fresh Death.

Hermione Granger, BAMF Magical Royal Marine, let all those who would threaten her family and her Harry, quake in fear at the mere mention of her name.

Annoyed by how nosy Ron Weasley was every time Harry left the red-head's side; he decides that some punishment is in order.

Potential ideas include:

Leaving a blow-up doll that looks like Harry in the Common room with a collar that reads, "Property of Ron Weasley."

Tagging him with a compulsion to serenade Snape every time Ron thinks of Harry.

Enchanting his robes to always read, "If found alone and whining for his 'Bestest Buddy,' please contact Draco Malfoy."

Tagging him with a compulsion to cause him severe flatulence every time he thinks about Harry or thinking bad thoughts about Hermione.

Writing a letter to the Editorial section of the Daily Prophet letting everyone know that Ronald Bilius Weasley is an annoying prat who seems to delight in knowing every detail of Harry Potter's coming and goings, regardless of The-Boy-Who-Lived's feelings and that if it continues, Harry will have no other option than to leave Hogwarts.

What if it wasn't the purebloods who were the ruling class in Magical Britain but was instead the muggleborns?

After all the wars, political infighting and inbreeding over the past 1000 years, the purebloods population finally hit the genetic tipping point. Some say that there's only another generation or two to go before there are none left on the island.

Voldemort was the last straw for many muggleborns. An edict was issued during the latter half of the 1970s that if Magical Britain can't get their act together and soon, the Council is going to recommend to the Queen that the 1692 Treaty of Self-Governance (Statute of Secrecy) as it pertains to Britain be suspended for cause. 

It took another three years to track down and kill Voldemort and his most virulent followers. Some, like Malfoy, managed to turn Crown's evidence to stay out of prison by offering names, details, and 'campaign contributions' to the right people.

Voldemort was still killed at the Potter Cottage in Godric's Hollow but 'lives' on due to his secret Horcruxes.

*********

The story starts first year, Hermione Granger is a nervous, lonely girl looking for her place in life. Daphne Greengrass is a proud but secretly worried pureblood looking to make a name for herself, and as usual; Harry Potter, a halfblood finds himself in the middle.

Hermione Granger - Without a doubt, The Brightest Witch of her Era. Everyone who has ever met her instantly compares her to Lily Potter. It's an honor of course, but that just sets off her 11 year old insecurities. She meets Harry Potter, and his best friend Neville Longbottom, on the train and discovers a pair of kindred spirits who love to read and learn as much as she does. The three immediately hit it off and by the time of Halloween, are practically inseparable (even to the point of finishing each other's sentences!) While Neville will eventually become 'friend-zoned,' it's Harry that captures her attention. It was during their introduction over the first couple of days that Harry explains how the magical world works, its history and what the future holds. Because of this information, it's a thoroughly different Hermione who confronts Ron Weasley after he insults her at the end of Charms class; letting him (and everyone within earshot) know that "Ronald is just a scared little boy who knows full well that his pitiful way of life is nearing its end."

Daphne Greengrass - smart, stunningly beautiful and utterly driven. She doesn't want to be seen as nothing more than a broodmare or trophy wife for another failure of a pure-bloodline but knows that's what lies in store for her, if what her father says is true. She wants to figure out how to stem the flow if not actually reverse the effects of the rampant inbreeding that has plagued Magical Britain's pureblood minority. To do that, she'll need to learn that maybe the muggleborns know what they're talking about when it comes to genetics. Initially haughty and aloof, by third year she eventually becomes friends with Hermione who helps her understand what she needs to learn if she's ever going to succeed in her goals.

Harry Potter - raised by his parents after they managed to survive Halloween 1981. He's smart, talented, and has a penchant for light-hearted pranks. He did have a scar from Voldemort for a while but it was removed by muggle means after Lily got annoyed by the idiots at Saint Mungo's. (During the extraction, a stray bit of magic nudges Lily onto the notion that something else happened that night.) By the time he enters Hogwarts, Harry easily navigates his way between the two worlds. At the exalted age of eleven, he already 'knows what he wants to do in his life' and it has nothing to do with the 'tried and true' magical careers. Nope, Harry wants to become an RAF pilot and fly the really cool jets! (But he'll admit privately that he's also leaning towards becoming a aircraft mechanic for his mother's peace of mind.)

Ron Weasley still hasn't figured out that being a thick-headed git isn't going to get him what he wants and insulting a muggleborn is the quickest way to finding himself in a world of hurt. He firmly believes his mother's loud opinions that the muggleborns merely simple children who have no hope of knowing how things are supposed to be. His only goal in life is to do as little as possible while still getting everything he wants.

Draco Malfoy knows what he wants, and as a Slytherin, will do most anything to achieve that goal; but the thought of consorting with muggleborns just makes him nauseous! After everything his father taught him, he firmly believed that these mudbloods had found a way to Confund the world into making everyone believe they were better than the purebloods who could trace their ancestry back centuries and is dead set on figuring out how to prove it.

Albus Dumbledore is fighting for his vision of the Greater Good and desperately trying to figure out where it all went wrong. He just doesn't  seem to realize that the Dark Lord of the Prophecy has been staring him in the face every morning in the mirror. He has plans to test the Potter Heir to see if the blending of pureblood and muggleborn blood can save their society (as he sees it, of course.) His biggest headache right now though isn't the plans for testing the Potter Heir. He's being forced by the Parent-Teacher Association (formerly the Board of Directors) to modernize Hogwarts and its education standards. This means all of the sorts of things (mundane courses like Maths, Literature, Science and Physical Education, pens, notebook paper, electric lighting, etc) that go against his vision of what's right for the magical world.

A possessed teacher, a thousand year old Basilisk, a revived tournament, the fight for the future; the events as laid out in the canon series is about to be turned on their heads.

Summer before 5th year, Harry caught on pretty quickly that he was being watched by invisible witches and wizards. He stood out on the lawn seemingly looking at nothing and stated flatly, "If you're gonna be here to watch over me without explaining WHY you're watching over me, you will have to suffer the consequences."

After a long moment of silence, he then turned and went back inside the house where Vernon was glaring at him. Harry gave him an evil smile, "Uncle Vernon," he began in a sing-song voice, "How would you like to undertake the incredible opportunity to mess with minds of idiotic wixen?"

Curious now, Vernon asked what he meant. "Well, I've recently discovered that this house and us are under the watchful, hidden eyes of some magical guards. I suspect they've been sent by Dumbledore who has some warped ideas as to what constitutes 'safe.' They refuse to explain why they're doing this so it's my idea that we repel the invaders by any means necessary and hilariously."

Vernon frowned, "How did you know they were there?"

"My wonderful girlfriend charmed my glasses last year as part of a project for one of her classes. It allows me to see the hidden as if they were in plain view. So how about? You want to exact revenge against the magical morons?"

Vernon's answering was as wicked as his nephew's.

The next morning, Harry stepped out wearing a track suit and trainers then began his warm-up routine before jogging off the driveway. 2 hours later he returned and heard a muffled thump on the lawn where a body-shaped impression was visible in the grass. He nudged the impression with his foot, "I warned you. Answer me why you're doing this or suffer the consequences. Today is just the beginning..."

Meanwhile, Vernon made liberal usage of his leaf blower, lawnmower and every other noisy piece of equipment to disrupt the guards' attention and listening charms as well as 'accidentally' dumping a load of garbage on one.

By the time of the Dementor Incident, Harry'd been fully informed of the plans and reasons of why Dumbledore decided that the teen should be isolated. He'd also been in constant contact with Hermione and bonded with Dobby. Thanks to Dobby's quick thinking and response time; neither Dudley nor Harry were affected too much by the Dementors and Harry didn't have to use his Patronus. As a result, there was no court hearing.

When Harry was 'rescued,' nearly all of the witches and wizards were glaring at him. Moody on the other hand, was immensely proud of the teen and offered to train him in some techniques before school started.

Harry got that glint in his eye, "Maybe I could teach you a few things. Everything I did was muggle in nature and as I proved, the magical mind is utterly defenseless against muggle ingenuity."

Moody's grin was terrifying, "Show me what you got."

Chapter Text

2nd year and Hermione was feeling rather low. It was the usual crap to be honest; the magically raised were harping on the fact that a mudblood had no business mucking up their world, the muggleborns were acting intimidated around her, and Ronald was treating as nothing more than a homework gnome.

She was sitting sniffling sadly in an abandoned classroom when she heard the door open. Her head snapped up and mouth dropped open at the sight of Harry Potter, her only other friend, enter the room carrying a box in one hand and what appeared to be a carrier in the other. She silently watched in bemusement as the messy-haired 12 year old boy place both himself and his packages on the ground then silently reached out and began taking off her shoes and socks.

"Harry?" Her small voice broke the silence, "What are you doing?" 

"I saw this on the telly," he began as he opened up the box and pulled out nail polish in a variety of colors, "Two friends get together to share the pain of the other while painting each other's nails."

"But those two friends are usually the same gender."

Harry shrugged, his eyes began twinkling, "I'm your friend and I've always wondered what it would be like to get my toes painted."

Hermione beamed at him as he proceeded to take his own footwear off, "What's in the carrier?"

Reaching over, Harry unlocked it, "I found one of the cats living here in the castle and figured you could pet her while telling me your woes."

The cat stepped out and narrowed its eyes at the pair of them before settling down sphinx-like as the two preteens began painting each other's nails, sharing a conversation which slowly dissolved into giggles and laughter.

'Wait until Poppy and Pomona hear about this!' Minerva thought as her tail swished amusedly at the punchline to a story about how Ronald Weasley got his head stuck in a bucket and a spider snuck in.

Let them wallow in the making of their own misery...

First Blood War era (1978-1981)

The events of the magical civil war were at their peak in regards to anti-muggleborn hostilities. Attacks, murders, torture, and more; all of it being perpetrated by no more than a handful of witches and wizards. The Ministry was completely ineffectual in stopping it, Albus Dumbledore pleaded (or just bleated) for the hostilities to end.

Just when the wave of violence was about to crash down on top of everyone...it stopped.

Seemingly overnight, every single muggleborn had vanished from the face of the planet. What else was unnerving was that somehow they were taken from their homes and deposited into the Alley. The shops in Diagon Alley were eerily silent, so much so that patrons could easily hear the muggle traffic just beyond the Leaky Cauldron.

But that was just the start of the weirdness. Some people found out rather harshly that they couldn't apparate or floo anywhere outside of the shopping center. Hogwarts, Saint Mungo's, the Ministry, and even Gringotts too, were inaccessible. One brave sort even tried to walk out of the muggle side of the Leaky but the door wouldn't open.

Albus tried to contact the Order but couldn't even get his Patronus to work. He began to notice that the population within the alley seemingly accounted for ALL purebloods in the nation. Lucius Malfoy and his wife was there, Nott, Crabbe, Goyle; even those he knew should've been at work in the Ministry that day. Arthur Weasley and his burgeoning family were milling about; Molly in particular, appeared to be gearing up for another one of her legendary rants. The population of Diagon Alley appeared to be all pureblood, both Light and Dark, right down to the last child. Even Tom was there. Unconscious to be sure, but there was no mistaking that face as Albus examined the demon-man where he sat stuck to a golden throne in the entrance to Knocturn Alley.

But then he noticed some discrepancies. James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin weren't amongst the crowd, nor were some of the other members of his Order. Minerva, Filius, Pomona; all missing. Horace was there, looking utterly confused.

Even the half-breeds and other creatures, both Light and Dark were missing, except for Fenrir Greyback. He had been stunned and tied up, left in a corner where a couple of children were curiously poking him.

********

The truth of the mystery was in itself, rather astounding. Lily and a team of muggleborn enchanters had gotten together to create a "pocket universe" that looked and felt like Diagon Alley. The occupants within this newly created world could freely move around inside but they were unable to leave it. The enchanters had tapped into the National Magical Network grid that normally tracked underage magic, Unforgivable Curses, and the like and altered the structure to tag and relocate anyone who had negative thoughts regarding muggleborns and their families into this new universe.

The Dark purebloods wanted to be free of the 'taint' surrounding those who were not pure.

The Light, at least those who were the sheep of Albus' Order of the Phoenix, were included because they blindly followed a man who talked the talk but clearly had zero intention of doing what right.

So it was figured; let them reap what they sowed.

2nd year and Hogwarts has just hired 4 brand new teachers. 

Alaster Lyn Shiraz - He's the new year 1-4 Potions teacher.

Conroy Figgirdrfd (pronounced 'Figure Drifted') - He teaches History of Magic and Runes.

Alva Cowan Werner - She teaches Arithmancy and Transfiguration.

Ellaeff Hughpuff -She teaches Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures.

They're friendly but there's something odd about them. The school is reacting to their presence...strangely. It's almost as if its trying not to break down laughing at some hidden joke.

Hermione's determined to solve this mystery. When she does, she immediately tells Harry who gets her to promise to NOT tell anyone else. He figured it out as well and wants to see the reaction of the magical world when the truth is revealed.

If there's one thing that the conservative faction of Magical Britain hates the most about muggleborns is their incessant need to introduce change.

Harry listened quietly under his Cloak one afternoon to a group of Slytherins who were complaining once again about Hermione and her constant barrage of questions.

"If she doesn't learn her place and soon, I may break out some of Family's magic to force her to shut up," one fifth year boy griped.

"Or maybe you could explain to her the reasons for why things have to happen the way they do," a quiet whisper floated through the air.

The group, including a shocked Harry, whirled around looking for the owner of said voice.

"Who's there?" 

"Is this not a school?" The voice continued, "Just because you're not a traditional professor does not mean you don't have wisdom and knowledge to share."

The fifth year bobbed his head, "Let's say that I agree with you; she's too infuriating with how she goes about getting information. She doesn't know her station."

"That is the fault of your parents, your Heads of Houses and the Headmaster. It is their job to instruct the newborns of the culture they are entering. You should at least offer. Break the cycle of distrust," The voice faded away.

********

Hermione was at first wary of the group of older Slytherins when they approached her in the halls one afternoon. Harry stood resolutely at her side, ready to intercede.

"Miss Granger? It has been made clear to us that you lack certain...training to better understand our culture. It is through no fault of your own but it is something that we cannot allow to go on. We will be teaching you and your muggleborn friends the customs and etiquette of our society every Saturday starting after 10am. Do not be late." They bowed their heads to the surprised pair and headed off.

By the time that 5th year started, High Inquistor Dolores Umbridge stalked the halls in frustration. Not a single person was acting in a manner unbefitting their station, hostility towards those beneath them was at an all time low, Slytherins were seen conversing pleasantly with Gryffindors of all social classes, and worse still, she couldn't find one single instance of rebellion!

During the summer before 3rd year; Harry, Hermione and Dobby were spending time together to better understand the Bond between wizards and elves.

"What would happen if elves discovered the secret on how to control their magic without the need for wizards?" Hermione had asked.

Dobby sighed and shook his head, "I do not know, to be honest. I'm sure that some would stay in their current roles, especially if they're working for good families."

"What about those like you who were working for the nasty ones?"

Dobby remained silent but Harry spoke up, "I know what I'd do. I'd punish them in a manner just like they had done to me. Change them into elves for a week then consign them into slavery."

Dobby sucked on his cheek and refused to look at them. Hermione replied in mock-surprise, "Dobby! Have you thought about doing that?! Oh, the shame..." She flopped over, giggling like mad to the bemusement of the two males.

********

Come 6th year and Hermione was digging through a lost treasure trove of manuscripts and books in the Room of Requirement's 'Room of Hidden Things' when she chanced upon an ancient tome on how to bind and enslave creatures plus the counterspells.

Curious, she began to read, all the while growing excited. About an hour later, she discovered something extraordinary, the lost contract that bound the elves was no more complicated than brewing Polyjuice in her opinion.

With the Second Blood War looming, this might just be the best help they could get to stop the Darkness. Harry's Prophecy did say that the Chosen One had a power the Dark Lord knew not.

Free the elves and unleash the magic...

It's 6th year and Harry's sitting with Hermione. His eyes are sort of half closed as he just kind of Zens out. (It might've had something to do with the tonsil-searing kiss his girlfriend had just given him but who knew.)

His ears picked up the general conversations around him ranging from the basic (What's the difference between a swish and flick, and a wave and jab?) to the advanced (no, no, no inverting the third and twelfth runes completely disrupts the protective energies!) to the frankly bizarre (What would happen if an Animagus got pregnant while still in animal form?)

Hermione glanced at his expression and smirked, after the latest round of hassles her boyfriend had to put up with from Malfoy, Dumbledore, Snape, and the magical world in general; it was nice to see him so relaxed.

She nudged him and waited until his gaze slid over to her, "Are you okay or do you need another 'Loving Girlfriend' inoculation?"

His wide grin was all the answer she needed as she leaned in to give him a booster shot.

4th year, about 3 weeks before the start of the TWT.

Harry Potter had gotten pranked. Normally, this wouldn't be cause for alarm. He appreciated a good joke once in a while and even recommended it to the younger years, saying that the practice of pulling off a successful prank honed the education they'd learned in class. "It's a nonstandard practical homework assignment."

So there he was, Harry had just finished a Quidditch practice when he discovered his hands and bum were stuck to the broom. The team were mystified and tried to dispel the charm but got no results. Oliver recommended that he go see Madam Pomfrey to get it checked over.

Harry gently and slowly drifted through the halls as he headed towards the infirmary. Heads turned and the whispers rippled out while he concentrated on not bumping into anyone.

Professor Snape saw him and bellowed, "Potter! Are you too good to walk on your own two feet? Twenty points from Gryffindor and detention with me tonight."

Harry rolled his eyes and dismissively shook his head, "Professor, you're supposed to represent Slytherin House; a House that prides itself on observing the situation, watching and learning before making their move. What you just did here proves that you are a lousy Slytherin. I've clearly been pranked, you've not seen me try to reposition my hands or shift on my seat." Without further ado, he flew off to the infirmary.

Hours later, Professors McGonagall and Flitwick sat with him to discuss the marvelously complex sticking charm that had been used and who might've been the perpetrator. It had required not just Flitwick but also the services of the Runes and Arithmancy professors, Babbling and Vector, respectively.

"I know for a fact that it wasn't the Weasley Twins. It's not their style and frankly, I'm too valuable as a teammate to risk injuring me," Harry opened, "I would've thought it would be Draco, since he knew that it would get me in trouble but this didn't feel like his magic."

Flitwick nodded his agreement, "Plus, and you didn't hear it from me, but he doesn't have the talent to pull this off. Fourth year and he still has the practical magical ability of a firstie."

Harry snorted at that and his eyes twinkled, "Same thing is true about Ron. If it wasn't for the hair, I'd say they were twins."

Minerva sighed at his quip, "No one else we can think of that might have the ability? An older student perhaps? Someone with a grudge against you?"

Harry shrugged as Flitwick hummed. He pulled out the parchment results of the charm evaluation and took another look, "If I didn't know any better, I'd swear this was Lily Evans' work but that's not possible."

Harry sat bolt upright, his jaw practically scraping the ground, "I know who did this! But...she thinks pranking is beneath her. Why...ah, clever girl. The Hat did say that she would've done well in Slytherin if that House didn't suffer from its current condition."

Both professors turned their attention him, "Who, Mr. Potter?"

Harry's grin was proud and not a bit smug, "Who do we know within my year group that is repeatedly referred to as the 'Modern Day Lily Evans?'" 

At their wide-eyed astonishment, Harry finished, "That's right, Hermione Granger is a devious pranking Queen."

Harry learned from listening to Neville how elves tended to view other elves as being 'bad' when given clothes. After Harry bonded to Dobby at the end of Second year, he went out and bought a whole bunch of outfits and instructed Dobby to inform the Hogwarts elves if they ever saw him that he wasn't given clothes by his Master but instead given an array of uniforms to wear in service to his new family.

When Dobby joined the Hogwarts staff during 3rd year, the other elves were wary and dismissive over his 'unnaturalness.' The Head Elf glared at him and informed Dobby that such perversion will not be tolerated and to go change into a proper pillowcase.

"You is not understanding. Dobby is not wearing banishment clothes. Dobby is wearing the honored uniform of House Potter!"

This rocked the elves back. The Head Elf reached out carefully and touched the material on Dobby's jacket, "This is a uniform? Then why is you having so many?" He pointed to Dobby's garment bag.

Dobby replied confidently, "The Great Master Harry Potter has declared that uniforms should vary from day to day because otherwise life would become too boring." He then turned and headed to his sleeping place as the other elves watched in wide-eyed open-mouthed astonishment.

Later in the year, Professors McGonagall and Sprout would grow confused by the surge in fabric and notion purchases and wondered why they started getting besieged with requests from the elves pleading for a change in elvish uniforms. Neither women had a clue that Harry indirectly launched a fashion revolution amongst the Hogwarts elves.

Fifth year and Harry Potter is feeling like a bug under a microscope. Everyone has been watching his every move ever since he started claiming that Voldemort had been resurrected at the end of the TWT.

One day there was something new and strange in a corner of the hallway leading into the Great Hall. It was a glass-enclosed flat; everything was visible from all angles except for the loo. There was a random assortment of furniture in all the appropriate places and even a couple of magical paintings on the walls.

Strangest still was that there was someone inside! Upon closer inspection, it was none other than Harry Potter himself. He moved around the flat seemingly unaware of anyone or anything outside. He didn't try to speak or look at anything, he just read his textbooks and did the assignments at the end of each chapter. Food seemed to appear/disappear as if delivered and cleared by house-elf. A sign was mounted in front that read: "Here lives Harry James Potter, the-boy-who-lived and Fate's chewtoy, on display for all your voyeuristic fetishes."

After six weeks of this bizarre display, Professor Flitwick finally managed to gain entry. Shockingly, the Harry Potter inside wasn't real but was in fact an animated golem!

Where was the real Harry Potter and coincidentally, had anyone seen where Hermione Granger had gone to?

(Author's choice as to where and what the pair are doing with their lives.)

Options include but not limited to:
1. Going back to muggle school
2. Transfer to another English-speaking magical school.
3. Harry discovers that he's inherited a bunch of money and they're now taking the vacation of a lifetime.
4. The pair grabbed Sirius and Remus and are now being trained at home.

2nd year and after being outed as a Parselmouth, Harry figures 'What the Hell, let's have some fun with their fears!' He gathers together all of the muggleborns in his year and explains his intention to 'kill' them then after a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, bring them back to life.

Recognizing his idea as being a great prank, the others agree (even Hermione after she frets about losing points.) Harry dresses up in a modern version of Salazar Slytherin's robes and proceeds to kill off the muggleborns then reanimated them saying, "Only the worthy shall live!!"

Naturally, the magically-raised go apeshit after witnessing all of this and start gossiping that Harry Potter is training to become a necromancer! The letters home spark an outrage and a visit by the Daily Prophet, the DMLE, and the DoM to find out and report the truth.

Harry explains the reality of why he was behaving like he'd been, "Just because I can speak another language, it's no excuse to believe I'm going Dark. We have people here who can speak Scottish, Irish, Hindi, French, and more. Are they Dark? Are they evil? So what if I'm a Parselmouth? With this ability, I know that can get a great job as a reptile zookeeper in the muggle world, both Gringotts and Saint Mungo's have a standing order to hire any Parselmouth on the spot. I played the act of being a necromancer because if everyone's going to be stupid, I might as well have a bit of fun with it."

Luna wasn't the only person who could see creatures generally thought to be 'imaginary' even by magical standards. Hermione too, could see all sorts of invisible, strange-looking animals but unlike Luna, she couldn't accept it. So Hermione did what she did best...

She went to the library.

There she discovered the incredible field of Speculative Biology where scientists, artists and others postulated what life on other worlds or other dimensions would look like.

Now that she had her outlet (and explained it to her worried parents), Hermione was gifted pens, markers and other artsy stuff to make the creatures only she could see visible to everyone else. Her mom even suggested (thinking it was funny) to go out and field document these wondrous things in their natural habitat. "At least it'll get our daughter to go outside once in a while rather than staying cooped up and alone with her books."

When Hermione got her letter and was introduced to the magical world, she discovered that not "all" of her 'imaginary creatures' were really so imaginary after all!

Now how could she explain the rest though...

3rd year

Harry approached the Weasley Twins one afternoon, "Gents, how would like to take part in the biggest, most elaborate, mind-blowing, Marauder-worthy prank all time?"

Fred and George turned to him with a mildly amused expression, "We're listening."

Harry laid out the premise to make everyone in the castle believe that the muggles were staging for an all-out assault on the castle and Hogsmeade, including air strikes and the Marines storming the beaches to secure the underwater passages. All this being done because they were tired of the lies perpetrated by Dumbledore and the Wizengamot.

As Harry's explaining, the twins' eyes start glittering at the possibilities of absolute chaos and readily agree to this joint venture. "Just one thing," Harry interjected, "at some point, all of the muggleborns are going to figure out this is just a prank. We need to figure out subplots for them to take up at a moment's notice."

George immediately began sketching some ideas while Fred asked what Hermione thought about this prank. Harry's returning smirk was telling.

"It was her idea..."

3rd year, Luna-centric tale

Tired of being bullied by the others for believing in the strange and invisible creatures, Luna reaches out to The Council.

The Council was created eons ago and had representatives from nearly all magical and Fae species. They agree that such a 'sweet light' should not be punished by the feeble-minded of her race and so assign her a pair of bodyguards (pick something from the Speculative Biology images on Google) to watch over her and discourage the naysayers.

The first encounter happened not long after the meeting. Cho Chang and her gang started teasing her and tried to push Luna into a closet. Luna stared them down as her eyes began glowing an otherworldly color and spoke in a voice not her own, "You are not allowed to abuse the Chosen One! Begone you evil witch!" Chang and her gang suddenly flew across the hall and landed heavily, skidding down the hallway and ending up in a heap of tangled limbs. 

Rumors began to spread that Luna Lovegood was turning Dark and that if you tried to bully her for any reason, expect to be slammed into next week by some unseen force.

Playing on a hunch, Harry "kidnaps" her and spirits Luna away to an abandoned classroom where Hermione is waiting, "Ah, good; you decided to join us. Harry, remove her shoes and socks."

Wondering why her bodyguards aren't responding, Luna begins to panic, "No! Please! You two are supposed to be the good guys!" She continues to squirm until she spots Hermione bringing out the toenail polish. 

"I don't understand, why did you not stop this?" She asked her bodyguards openly in full view of the other two teens. A rumbling voice filled the room, "We're able to detect the intent and thoughts of people around us. We knew from the beginning that these two love you and wanted to do something nice and playful."

Hermione held up a couple of bottles, "Now that that's been cleared up, who wants to try out the glow-in-the-dark polish?"

Start of Second year, Draco is hassling Harry about his growing relationship with Hermione. "Just when you think that the House of Potter couldn't sink any lower, their Heir continues the tradition of picking mudbloods for their future spouses."

Rather than getting angry, Harry steps right up in Draco's face and quietly says with a slight smile, "You're assuming my mother was a muggleborn."

Draco sputtered, "Everyone knows that she was!"

Harry's smile started growing teeth, "That's what my parents wanted everyone to think. The reality is so much different. You really ought to put that Slytherin training to good use and research your information before making an accusation. It'll save you so much embarrassment later on."

This declaration set the other Puries into a research frenzy which led to the discovery that Lily Evans was directly descended from Salazar Slytherin while inadvertently revealing that You-Know-Who was the result of a love-potioned muggle and a Squib from a minor cadet line of the Slytherin family tree and therefore NOT the Heir of Slytherin like he'd always claimed to be.

When the Chamber of Secrets was reopened, everyone thought at first that it was Harry's doing, but after seeing how many muggleborn friends he had and the burgeoning relationship between him and Granger, they quickly killed the notion that he was turning Dark because as 'everyone knows,' Dark wizards don't associate with the lower classes.

Hermione and a couple of other muggleborns were gathered and discussing the topic regarding Harry's mum's ancestry. Harry laughed at the frenzy he'd started, "The 'Nature's Nobility' book is reputed to be THE authority on who's related to whom, right? Apparently, it's stupidly easy to break into their offices and modify the auto-updating enchantments to include a tiny white lie."

Post war, Harry opens a Magical Depot (Think Costco and Home Depot combined into one store.)

Everything that Diagon Alley offered and more, all at bulk wholesale prices. Witches and wizards from all over flock to the grand opening. Magical paint, lumber, electrical lighting (for those daring enough or the muggleborns who don't want to bother with enchantments.) Potion ingredients (fresh or dried), cauldrons of all types and sizes, by the pallet load. Everything a wixen could ever ask for.

Bulk meats and produce, frozen foods, farm fresh eggs, milk and honey plus spices galore!

There's even a small food shop in front where shoppers can get a fresh salad, a slice of pizza, or a hot dog and a fizzy drink before heading in to do their shopping.

The shopkeepers in Diagon Alley are NOT happy; this newfangled place is going to put them out of business! It's a capitalist survival story where only the quickest with the coupons will thrive.

The Battle of Hogwarts (the way it should've been!)

Harry rushed up to Minerva after she finished expelling Snape from the school and thrust a lumpy bundle into her arms, "Hogwarts gave me this with the explicit instructions that Minerva must use it as a 'Call to arms.'

Upon opening it, Minerva's eyes widened dramatically as she gasped, "It canna be!" Inside was the legendary 'Faery' bagpipes of Kinlochmoidart. "Legend has it that the 'Faery' pipes have never been played by the losing side of a battle."

Harry laid a solemn hand on her shoulder, "Do it, professor. You're the only one who can."

With a steely expression, Minerva transfigured her robes into Clan McGonagall Tartans and marched up to the battlements of the castle and began to play.

Down on the field where the enemy stood waiting for the order to attack, everyone began hearing the haunting, strident melody of bagpipes being played. Lord Voldemort scoffed at the sounds, "Do they expect to win by playing that horrible noise?"

Just then ground quaked...hard. Then a thunderous noise erupted from all around them. It was as if a dragon had awoken and roared to the heavens. The Death Eaters had no clue as to what was going, they fearfully looked to their Master for guidance. With a single click of his finger towards the school, Voldemort ordered them to advance.

It was a bloodbath.

Not on the side of the Light, but that of the Dark. The Death Eaters came to quickly realize that the sound and feeling they'd experienced earlier was the arrival of thousands of Fae and Scottish warriors, all ready for battle against the Dark.

Nagini was torn asunder by the avenging spectral form of Slytherin's Basilisk. Bellatrix was killed by Neville with the Sword of Gryffindor after being countered by the Basilisk. (She had been knocked onto her back from the Basilisk's tail sweep and he plunged the sword through her heart.) Fenrir Greyback was pinned to a tree with a thousand silver arrows and died a gruesome, toxic death.

Voldemort had no defenses against the Fae and was quickly captured. He was dragged before Harry and held in place as Harry slit the demon's throat and chanted loudly, "Furatus es sanguinem meum. Furem ejicio et sanguinem meum mihi redde." (You have stolen my blood. I cast out the thief and return my blood to me.)

Voldemort's body glowed a sickening green as his the magical construct began to break down. Voldemort tried to declare that he would return and that he was immortal but Harry shut him down, "I have destroyed your trinkets, Tom. May the Hounds of Hell feast upon your blighted soul."

With that, the spirit that was Tom Marvolo Riddle aka Lord Voldemort was ripped from his mortal shell by a pair of demonic winged guards and dragged screaming and thrashing...downwards.

Chapter Text

A friendlier version of Snape was telling Harry and Hermione about the Dark Mark on his arm. "All my efforts to remove it have failed. I was such an idiot."

Harry patted him consolingly on the shoulder, "You were angry; you'd just lost my mum as a friend, my dad and Sirius were being berks, I'm not surprised you went Dark."

Hermione in the meantime, was still examining the diagnostic charm she'd run on the Mark, "Can you mask it so it doesn't show?"

Severus dipped his head, "Yes, but I'd rather remove it."

"What if you tried removing the arm then growing a new one?" Harry inquired.

Severus shook his head, "Someone tried that. It just reappears after a moment."

Hermione shrugs, "Well if you can mask it, why not use an image you don't mind showing off to the public? Ooh, how about a lily flower?"

Harry laughed, "How about a cartoony happy face or some sort of creature that mocks the Dark Lord?"

Severus rolled his eyes at Harry but acknowledged Hermione, "I'll keep your idea in mind, Miss Granger."

The next day, Severus Snape shocked the school by wearing short sleeves. Where his Dark Mark used to be is now a tattoo of a lily flower with the inscription 'Always' blended into the stem.

What if Mr. and Mrs. Granger weren't ordinary muggles surprised by the existence of magic? What if their hesitancy to let Hermione get entangled by all that chaos was because the adults were in fact Squibs and knew full well of the war that was being fought across the country?

Even during the lull after 1981, both parents wished and prayed that their baby girl would be a Squib like them and spared from the insanity.

Luck wasn't on their side so they did their best to educate Hermione with the ins and outs of magical society. They told her about how they were the descendants of Hector Dagworth-Granger, a world renown magical chemist and the Founder of a Society of Extraordinary Potioneers. They told her about the elves, ghosts, Gringotts and the Goblins, and how the magical economy worked.

Hermione eagerly absorbed it all.

*******

It was a chance encounter at a school district-wide scholastic competition that she came across Harry Potter and the two immediately hit it off with their shared love of learning. Harry accidentally mentioned magic which allowed Hermione to let slip that she's a witch. This revelation brings the two families together to swap stories and tips on raising a magical child in the real world.

Harry, the Grangers find out, is the one the magical newspapers have been calling 'The-Boy-Who-Lived' though he hates that title because it just reminds him of what he's lost. This Harry was also fully informed of the plots and machinations perpetrated by Dumbledore as pieced together by Petunia who still had her letters and a charmed linked diary from her sister. This Harry is also encouraged by Vernon and Petunia to learn all he can to pass through the magical education system as fast as possible so he doesn't become entangled in that nonsense which killed his parents.

Harry is offered the chance to learn the stuff that Hermione was instructed on and eagerly accepts. It wouldn't do to have the Heir of the Ancient and Noble House of Potter looking and behaving uncouth to his new classmates, would it?

Come 1991, Hogwarts is in for a shock. Both Harry and Hermione are going to take the magical world by storm, charming everyone left, right, and center while at the same time blowing Albus' plans to smithereens.

As a way to punish Albus for whatever (pick something); Harry posts a notice on the school's bulletin board then proceeds to play Reveille at the crack of dawn every day at Hogwarts.

By the second morning, everyone is ready to hang the bastard by his beard.

What if, in addition to his other insane ideas, Albus "borrowed" an enchantment set up at the Burrow and put it around the Dursley residence? He mistakenly thought it was to ensure the QUALITY of the family (he'd hoped that it would cause the Dursleys to hate Harry) but in reality, it was to ensure the QUANTITY of the family and that number had been set to 7!!

Harry now grows up as the second eldest (Dudley was born first) in a massive and loving family and comes to Hogwarts completely different than what Albus wanted.

What if Hogwarts did have a live dragon living in the castle? What if was the size of a well-fed horse but the temperament of a easy-going Golden Retriever? (Think 'Toothless' from How to train your Dragon.)

I can see it wandering the halls, nosing its way into the classrooms looking for scratches and cuddles, greatly annoying McGonagall who knows first hand how stubborn this mutt of a dragon can be. Harry discovers that he can talk to it earlier than canon and shares the stories it knows with all of his friends.

After being introduced and sharing some cuddle time with it, Hermione decides that she absolutely HAS to have a dragon as a pet because of how sweet and lovable this one is!

Come 4th year and the First Task of the TWT, the Hungarian Horntail is confused by the school dragon's scent permeating through Harry. Rather than attacking, she sniffs and seems to make the decision that this tiny human is trustworthy (because he has a 'family' scent trace?) and allows him to retrieve the Golden Egg.

During the Battle of Hogwarts, the Death Eaters and Voldie come to the surprising truth that just because this particular dragon is sweet and lovable, doesn't mean that it won't know how to defend its home. 

The resulting carnage is epic.

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil have always wanted to be magical stylists and beauticians. Out of everyone in the school, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are generally considered to have the worst heads of hair in the entire school, frankly they're Lavender and Parvati's Holy Grail. They approach the studious pair one evening after the start of October of 2nd year and offer to give them both a wash and styling.

Harry glanced at Hermione who was examining a handful of her hair and shrugged, "It's okay with me as long as you don't go crazy but I should warn you, my hair seemed to grow back overnight after my aunt shaved my head once."

Parvati waved that aside as she guided him to a chair and tub, "It's not a problem and frankly expected from a magical child. Your magic was protecting you from something you didn't like or want."

While she was washing Harry's hair, Lavender was working on Hermione, "My hair seems to be an indicator of my moods. The angrier or more annoyed I get, the bushier it gets."

Lavender nodded, "So I'll need to give you a treatment that acts like a hair version of a calming draught. I have just the thing."

An hour later, when Harry and Hermione emerge from the "Gryffindor Salon," everyone is stunned by the transformation! 

Harry's hair no longer looked like a rat's nest but closer to a windswept tousle. He's got a wave sweep to his bangs which shows off his face and partially obscures his scar.

Hermione's infamous bushy head of hair had been changed into luxurious curls and waves that cascade over her shoulders. She's been given just a touch of blonde highlight coloring to accentuate her rich brunette hair. She was also given a make-up treatment; nothing glamorous but just enough to accentuate her natural beauty.

When they make their debut in the Great Hall, standing tall and proud, leading the first years down for dinner; Harry stepped up to the podium and announced that our incredible transformation was thanks to the extraordinary talents of Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil of Gryffindor.

All eyes swung over to the proud, blushing Styling Duo before many of the students begin clamoring for appointments.

Harry and Draco are arguing...again.

"I would've gotten Sorted into Slytherin but the Hat said your House has a plumbing problem."

Confused, Draco sneered back, "What the Hell are you talking about, Potter?"

With a imperious glare, "Your House is so full of shit, I had to get Sorted to another House to get away from the smell!"

He turned and stormed off leaving a bemused Draco staring open-mouthed behind him and a room full of laughing bystanders.

3rd year, Harry took Runes and Arithmancy with Hermione instead of being lazy like Ron. He's sitting in class one day and gets a flash of inspiration.

'What if there was a way to glamour a broom to look like all of the other models on the market just by tapping a specific rune array? How many different images could fit? Would the baseline model inherit the characteristics of the illusion?'

Harry gets to work by buying the cheapest broom available (one of the Comet training brooms and begins tinkering. He eventually enlists the aid of Hermione and occasionally consults with the Weasley Twins for their talents in spell creation.

After a couple of months of intensive experimentation, he's got a working prototype, 'The Potter Pretender.' It's capable of changing its appearance into five other models (Nimbus 2000/2001, Firebolt, Comet 260, Silver Arrow.) It's not very fast (0-80mph in 15 seconds) but it's viable enough to present it to Professors Flitwick, Hooch, Babbling, and Vector who are all utterly impressed. They encourage him to publish his work in the associated trade journals. (He does and credits the invaluable assistance of Hermione and the Twins.)

During the war, his illusion enchantments come real handy for those either escaping from the conflict or the Light laying traps for the Dark.

(Co-created with Yvette Maxwell)

"Students are allowed to bring an owl, a CAT, or a toad to Hogwarts as a pet. Hogwarts students wear BLACK robes."

This creates a problem for the students when they want to look their best. Let's face it, black colored fabric will show up almost ANYTHING it picks up, and as the students learn to their sorrow, "NOTHING clings worse than cat fur!"

Among the new firsties, only Harry Potter and Hermione Granger seem to be avoiding giving the appearance they snuck into Hagrid's hut and "borrowed" his fur cloak to wear to class. So their year mates in Gryffindor finally corner them in the common room to find out their secret to being able to have 'fur-free' robes. With a look of incredulity, Hermione reaches into her book bag, and Harry pulls something from a pocket on his robes. Both are holding what LOOKS like a tube with a handle, covered in small pieces of parchment. 

"So what's that?" one of the firsties asks.

Motioning for the firstie to come closer, Hermione does a few swipes across the robes of the firstie. As the firstie looks down, they stare, amazed. The cat fur is GONE.
"What spell or charm did you do with that? I HAVE to learn it!"

Chuckling, Harry looks around at the gathered firsties and finally answers the question, since Hermione is busy putting the item back in her book bag.

"This is something that we use to keep our robes looking neat and clean with all of the cats around the castle. They're fairly easy to get, as well. They're called 'Lint Rollers.' Hermione and I might be able to find some for you as well, but we'd have to order them."

Hedwig is sent out that night with a letter to Hermione's parents, and enough Galleons to buy more than a dozen lint rollers to be sent to Hogwarts.

Before long, owls are sent out for more boxes of lint rollers. It got so crazy that Minerva was forced to add lint rollers to the Hogwarts purchasing list on the budget. The Wizarding Administration Services had to corral a muggleborn to figure out what a lint roller was (which caused the muggleborn to break down in gales of laughter) before handing them a large bag of Galleons and instructing them to "go out and get as many as you can!"

By the start of Second year, carrying a lint roller on your belt was seen as a fashion accessory, and Merlin help you if you didn't have the complete set of every available colored handles!

1st year and Harry proposes a different challenge instead of the canon wizard's duel with Draco.

Harry glared at the sneering blond, "You want to prove you're better than me? Fine, let's see how long you can hold this against your tongue," in his palm were two 9 volt batteries, "First one to drop it is the loser and has to stand in front the whole school and admit to being a whiny baby."

Draco nervously takes one, "What is this?"

Harry was the one sneering now, "It's a rite of passage that all muggleborns must pass before they're acknowledged as teenagers. Now shut up and stick it to your tongue on the count of three. One...two...three!"
Draco barely lasted a second while Harry triumphantly held his for a full minute.

Following his defeat, Draco ashamedly announced his whiny babyhood to the school amidst laughter and jeering before slinking off. 

Hermione cornered Harry afterwards, "How did you do it? I can only last a couple seconds at best."

Harry winked slyly, "His was a brand-new battery. Mine on the other hand, was completely dead."

An eyebrow rose up challengingly, "You cheated?"

Harry shook his head, "I gave him the option of choosing and he went with the one with the shiny casing. It just goes to show that not only we muggleborn and raised are tougher and craftier than the Puries, all that shines isn't always the best."

Hermione rolled her eyes and huffed, "Whatever; come on, we have a Charms test to study for."

3rd year and word around the castle was that Harry Potter has fallen to the Dark Arts! He's even practicing necromancy for Merlin's sake!

Sensing that there was more to these rumors, Hermione followed Harry to an old classroom and watched as he set up an easel and paints. As she watched him create, she felt a snort bubble up from within and rolled her eyes.

Harry didn't even turn around to address her, "You come to find out the truth behind the rumors that I'm practicing the Dark Arts?"

That did it, Hermione broke out into giggles as she fully entered the room to examine some of his other works. "Honestly, Harry. Couldn't you have told everyone that you're creating noir paintings?"

Harry gave her a sidelong glance and smirked as he held up a coffee pot, "Where's the fun in that? Can I interest you in a steaming cup of necromancy? It's good stuff as it brings me back from the dead." 

Hermione is on the hunt for information. She's learned that one of the steps to make the Animagus revealing potion is to hold a mandrake leaf inside her mouth for a month.

The very thought made her a bit queasy.
She then thought about the definition of "essence." 'Could they mean DNA?' Armed with that thought, she contacted her parents to see if she could borrow a cell/DNA culture incubator to run an experiment. Their return letter informed her that she'd have to wait until she returned home (it's too big and cumbersome to ship, even magically.)

At the start of summer, Hermione begins running her tests, using herself as a control. By the end of summer, she has her results. Holding the leaf in her mouth is not necessary. It was done because the original wixen didn't know about modern scientific practices. She also learned about how an incubator worked, and everything she'd need to get her own laboratory set up.

Now prepared, she works alongside Harry to revolutionize the Art of Potioneering. Her experiments have shown that the potion doesn't need to take upwards of six months and a thunderstorm (sudden atmospheric changes and ozone) to brew properly when everything can be replicated and/or improved upon in a modern laboratory.

6th year, Jily lives.

Harry, Hermione, and their friends are sitting in their common room discussing some of their best vacation destinations. Hermione commented that Hawaii was absolutely divine.

Harry perked up, "I've been to Hawaii!"

Hermione quirked an eyebrow up at him, "Yeah? Which island?"

"Cumoniwannalayah," he answered, waggling his eyebrows with a glint in his eyes.
Neville and the others just groaned and pelted Harry with cushions and random bits of trash.

Not one to be outdone, Hermione responded, "Sounds like a 'no action' sort of place."

"Oh, I don't know; the Lickindeep Natural Pools is a hot place to be. The food there is top-notch; their clam bake is finger-licking good."

Hermione rolled her eyes at his innuendos, "I'd much prefer the rosy nubbed caps at Twin Peaks."

"Oh Merlin, will you two just get a room already!" Neville whined and resumed smacking Harry with a pillow.

It's long been said by anyone who's ever come up against Hermione Granger that she is a certified genius. Anything she puts her prodigious mind to, will no doubt revolutionize the magical world.

She has stated many times that she has no problem helping, as long as the other person puts in the effort to meet her at least halfway.

That being said, she DOES have her limits... Insulting or abusing her name, her parents, and especially her Harry will cause her to respond...negatively.

At the tail end of their 6th year, a decision between the so-called "Golden Trio" was made to hunt down and destroy Voldemort's Horcruxes. While on the run, they read and heard about the Millennium Bridge collapse. Risking capture, she ventured to the nearest town and tried to call home (even if her parents don't remember her.) She can't get in contact with them so she called a trusted neighbor who informs her that the Grangers were seriously injured from the bridge incident.

Hermione's brain shut down in anguish and grief at what she inadvertently did. If she hasn't wiped their minds, they wouldn't have left home to travel.

Her anger at the Dark was at an all-time high, all it needed was a spark to set off the inferno. That spark was provided oh so helpfully by Ronald "The Git" Weasley, when he accused Harry of leading them around in circles (amongst other things.) Her knockback jinx was so powerful it embedded the redhead into a tree.

"I'm done running, Harry," she growled, "It's time we take the fight to them. I no longer care what Dumbledore had planned for you. He gave you nothing but a children's book, a Snitch, and a few useless memories. It's time to show the Death Eaters why the Dark flees from the Light!"

She laid out her plan to end this war once and for all, but Harry was hesitant.

"Hermione, what you're proposing isn't what very light-minded. It will lead you down the path of the Dark," he tried to reason with her using Albus' rhetoric.

Her eyes narrowed dangerously at him for a moment before she stunned and stuck him to a chair. She cast every detection spell she could think of and discovered a necklace she'd never seen him wear before.

When Harry awoke, he found her running through complex diagnostics on the necklace, "What happened to me? My head feels fuzzy."

"Dumbledore," she spat, "Enchanted you with this necklace. As near as I can determine, it was designed to make you humble, easily-led, and weak-willed. For what purpose, I can only surmise that Dumbledore wanted you to sacrifice yourself when his 'Grand Plan' came to its conclusion."

Harry sat down hard, his head practically swirling at the revelation that the man he'd looked up to was in fact, a conniving, manipulative bastard; even after death he was still controlling Harry.

"So what do we do now?"

Hermione looked up at him. Her eyes glittering with a retributive gleam, "Now, we take the fight to ALL of them. The Death Eaters who caused all of this, and now the Order of the Phoenix who blindly followed the old goat's orders to keep us down."

(Up to the author which members get bashed and why; as well as Hermione's plan to BAMF the fight back to the DEs and OotP.)

Hermione's always had a touch of the Sight. Not so much being able to create prophecies, or reading tea leaves; but more that she can See the possible futures as if they were side-by-side movies. Left fork versus right fork in the road as it were. She can get a sense of what might happen all the way to its conclusion, depending on which decision she takes. 

It doesn't always happen though, usually just when something monumental occurs. Like her meeting Harry Potter at King's Cross her first year, or the time when she was convinced that Scabbers wasn't a real rat.

By fifth year, Harry listened to her council advising him to ignore the vision of Sirius being tortured by Voldemort in the Department of Mysteries, saying that it was just a trap. Knowing she wouldn't lie to him, especially after she reminded him there are other ways to contact Sirius (the mirror!); Harry and Sirius set up a plan to trap the Death Eaters and expose Voldemort's existence to the public. During the fight in the Room of Death, Hermione snagged Sirius out of the way just in time before Bellatrix could banish him through the Veil.

Their plan was a success, the Dark minions had either been captured, or killed. Acting on her Sight, Hermione successfully urges the others to send all of the Death Eaters through the Veil so they couldn't escape back into the upcoming war. Shacklebolt tried to reason with her, saying that, "Albus wouldn't like that, they need to be sent to Azkaban to take time to repent."

Hermione's response was chilling, "Let whatever deity you believe in sort them out. It's not our job to pat them on the head and tell them to 'play nice or you won't get pudding.'"

"But..."

"Shacklebolt, this is war, and in war, those who win are the ones left standing. You do not let your enemy live to try to kill you again. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you go home and hide under your bed like a coward. Albus Dumbledore is playing a fool's game by letting the wicked run free, and convincing the sheep of Magical Britain to follow his lead."

She turned and led the others out of the Ministry. Under her leadership, the coming Blood War would be fought far different than the one she'd Seen Albus lead.

July 23, 1991; 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey

Harry Potter, nearly 11, stared curiously at the package addressed to him after he'd been ordered to retrieve the mail. He heard his uncle yell, "What's keeping you, boy?" 

He quickly left the package in his cupboard and hurried to bring in the mail, "Sorry Uncle Vernon, I got distracted by one of the advertisements. I'd never seen such blue water before."

Vernon huffed and yanked the pile from his hands, "Go back to your cupboard."

Once safely hidden away, Harry opened the mysterious package to find a book and a letter. He read the contents of the letter with ever-widening surprised eyes before turning his attention to the book. "The Annotated Story of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone."

With nothing else to do, Harry began to read.

*******

After a week, and the arrival of hundreds of letters followed by the car ride from Hell to a desolate shack on a rock in the middle of nowhere; Harry finds himself going through EXACTLY what the book version went through, even down to the dialogue!

Armed with the belief that something, or someone, gave him the tools (in the form of that book and its explanations written in the margins) to make things better for him; Harry decides to shake things up a bit and NOT follow Dumbledore's script.

Harry uses the information to be polite in his refusal to shake Draco's hand (he hugs the flustered pre-teen instead, then explains about the 'cultural difference'), he sets limits on Ron as to what he's willing to tolerate (1 game of chess per night, 1 hour of Quidditch talk, and no bad-mouthing of Hermione); he also befriends Hermione earlier than the book did, helping her understand that being a 'bossy know-it-all' won't help her to make friends (he hugs her to subtly let her know that he's there for her.) Harry also uses the book knowledge to get Neville a proper wand by explaining the situation with Professor McGonagall.

As for the Stone, he completely ignored it. Instead, he wrote to Nicholas Flamel, told him what the so-called 'protections' were, and that it was in a castle full of children then sat back to let the adults deal with things.

The following year on July 23, he finds another book. "The Annotated Story of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets."

"Right," he said mostly to himself, "Let the games begin..."

Being typical teenagers, Harry, Neville, Ron, and a few others of their age group get together to dare each other to do stupid things.

One such dare came from Neville, "Hey, Ron; I dare you to go down to the kitchens and eat a pizza topped with baked beans, raisins, and eggs."

The others gag at the thought of the combination but Ron, never one to back down from the promise of food, heads downstairs to see what the elves can come up with.

******

After seeing the results from that dare (Ron was indifferent to the combination), Harry and the others try to come up with something that even Ronald Weasley wouldn't touch. A week, and many experiments later, they have a list:

1. Ketchup filled hard-boiled eggs
2. New England-style clam chowder ice pops
3. Chili Macaroni Hamburger helper with applesauce and salted butter
4. Banana slices with fish bits
5. Uncooked Ramen noodles with Thai chili sauce
6. Chocolate donuts stuffed with refried beans
7. Tuna fish and head cheese on pimento loaf
8. Oreos with pickle slice filling
9. Spaghetti and sauce wrapped in lunch meat
10. Tuna salad ice cream
11. Pasta topped with raw liver paste and cheese
12. Chili with sour candies
13. Peas mixed with Marmite
14. Haggis and raspberry jam
15. Calamari with pickle juice

Chapter Text

6th year

Harry and Hermione hurriedly entered the infirmary after being called by Poppy on account of their friend being rushed there after an emergency. 

Harry was heard commenting to her, "I don't think it's him either. My money is on Luna. She's the most likely to get into trouble."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Honestly Harry, Luna Lovegood is the kind of girl who even the most hellish demon would cuddle and comfort if she so much as stubbed her toe."

Poppy looked up at their arrival, "Good, you're here. Perhaps you can explain why your friend Ronald took it upon himself to eat the castle pantries bare."

Harry held up his hands, "Wait a minute; Ronald is our supposed friend??! Which idiot assumed that lie?"

Poppy looked nonplussed, "Um, the headmaster implied..."

Hermione threw her hands up and scoffed, "There's your idiot. Madam Pomfrey, understand that we have not now, nor have we ever considered Ronald Weasley to be our friend. This is just another blatant attempt by the headmaster to control Harry's life."

"Just out of curiosity," Harry asked the school nurse, "Just what did Weasley eat that landed him here? Last I heard, the git is capable of eating Hagrid's rock cakes without any problems."

Poppy handed over the list. Harry's eyes widened slightly at the length as he began to read, "Ground Turkey, Eggs (including the shells), Vanilla Extract, White Food Coloring, Habanero Peppers and Pseudo-Wasabi. Sweet Air Fried Roadkill with Jam and Corn Bread."

He cocked his head at the nurse, "Seriously? Has anyone ever thought to get him examined by an Unspeakable?" At the confused tilt of her head, he continued to read, "Beef Jerky, Ground Pork, Ground Beef, Refried Beans, Ranch Style Beans, Spicy hot Rotel, Chili seasoning mix, Tabasco Sauce, 1 single serving Tea Bag, 3 cubes of sugar, 1/2 inch of non-whitening Toothpaste, 1 large Sweet Onion, smashed green bell pepper. 3 pureed jalapenos,10 Honeydukes Kiss Chocolates, one ground up starlight mint."

Harry glanced at Hermione, who shrugged, "I've seen him eat worse; keep going."

"Ahem, 1.5 Pounds of Boneless Chicken, 1/2 Pound jalapenos, 1 habanero pepper, 1 Red onion, Nacho cheese chips, Munster Cheese, White Cheddar cheese, Madras Curry Powder, Crushed Red Peppers and Green Onions."

"Okay, I'll admit; this is getting ridiculous," Hermione murmured, shaking her head at the list which continued on.

"1 Sliced up Dinner Ham, 1 bag of Hershey Kisses, a can of cranberry sauce, a cup of white rice and a dash of cooking sherry. 3 Bananas, 6 Strawberries, a handful of Cranberries, Blueberries, and Blackberries, 1/4 Dragonroot, Vanilla Extract, Almond Extract, 3 Mint Leaves, Alexandra's 'Oddball Spice Mix,' and a blender full of ice. Trail Mix, Chocolate Drops, Gummy Worms, White Chocolate covered Fried Crickets, Dried Fruit, and some small bits of Peppered Beef Jerky."

Harry let the list fall onto the table, "Damn, so what happened? Did his stomach explode or something?"

Poppy's features were rather greenish, "No, he passed gas then asked if I had any pudding. I've never seen anything like it."

Hermione had a contemplative expression going, "Have you checked for any 'Molly Specials?'"

"What do you mean, Miss Granger?"

"His mother loves potioning people for whatever reasons she deems best 'for their own good.' She’s tried to Love Potion Harry here to make him wed Ginny so she could access the Potter Family vaults."

Harry laughed, "Yeah, too bad for her that an ancestor of mine installed a Thief's Downfall into the doorway to said vaults to prevent this very thing from happening. I've been potioned no less than four times since Ginny hit puberty. The Goblins and I have a running bet as to what, where, and when the next attempt will occur."

"But why would she potion her youngest son into doing this gastronomic nightmare?"

Hermione leveled a condescending leer at her, "Madam Pomfrey, what happens when you mix two adverse-reaction potions together? I'd suspect that she'd dosed him with one thing, but forgot that Ronald here will eat or drink anything handed to him."

Harry chuckled, "I've even seen him scarf down a handful of the Twins' Canary Cremes without flinching."

Poppy stared back at the unconscious redhead teen in horror, "Maybe I should call the Unspeakables..."

All because of a typo.

4th year

Hermione sat down across from Harry and pushed a box over to him. Perplexed, he tilted his head at his best friend in silent question.

"I'm just doing what Rita Skeeter thinks I'm doing," she replied with a self-satisfied smirk.

Upon opening the box, Harry bemusedly removed an ashtray and held it up for inspection. The others in the Great Hall looked on in puzzled silence. Hermione removed that morning's paper and pointed to a highlighted passage: "...Hermione Granger, a muggleborn witch, seemed to have cozying up to our young hero. But why, you ask? This reporter thinks that there must be some nefarious reason. Could she be leading Harry Potter ashtray?"

Harry read the passage once, twice before bursting out into gales of laughter, "Oh Merlin, that's hilarious!"

"That's not all, Harry," she replied, "I went back through her other articles on you and found similar mistakes. I picked out the more obvious ones and included them in the box."
He peeked inside and started giggling at the sight of (author picks which item-related typos. I recommend the usual suspects; ie. 'clam' for 'calm.')

Draco sauntered over and sneered, "For what possible reason could you be so happy to get a gift from the mudblood, Potter?"

Harry was still riding high from Hermione's gift so he let the slur pass by, "Malfoy, you read Skeeter's works, right?" A confused nod was given. "Here, read this then look at what Hermione gave to me." He handed the article over to the blond.

As Draco read the article, his expression changed from sneering indifference to that of incredulity before finishing out with humor as he glanced at the ashtray. "No way..."

Hermione giggled, "I'm being accused of a lot of things. I figured that if I'm going to leading him ashtray; I ought to go whole hog, which I included in there too." Harry dug out and held up a porcelain figurine of a hog.

Draco snorted in amusement involuntarily, his eyes were starting to twinkle in mirth, "Good one, Granger. If you'll excuse me? I think I have some...stuff I need to...review."

From that point forward, whenever Rita published an article on Harry, Hermione, or anyone else for that matter; the owls would show up at her desk the next day laden with gifts. Skeeter never could figure out why she kept getting these strange random items in the post.

1st year, Sorting Ceremony

"Granger, Hermione!" Professor McGonagall called out.

A bushy-haired, slightly buck-toothed preteen girl nervously approached the stool and sat down. The Hall was silent for the most part, but as the seconds turned to minutes they began to murmur.

Finally, the rip in the brim that functioned as the Hat's mouth opened, "If you're sure...GRYFFINDOR FOUNDER'S HEIRESS!!"
There was a dazzling flash of light, as well as Hermione's school robes changed to include a full-length stylized Gryffin embroidery on her right side. Every single Gryffindor stood to applaud and cheer. The Weasley Twins even started a chant of "Go, Gryffindor, Go!!"

******

When Harry's turn was called, the whole school were placing bets as to where the Potter Heir would go. Once again, the brim of the Hat opened, "Good luck, Mr. Potter...SLYTHERIN FOUNDER'S HEIR!!" His robes changed to feature a similar full length embroidery but his animal was that of a snake.

The entire Hall was deathly silent which turned to shocked incredulity as they saw Harry run up to Hermione as the pair jumped up and down in joy and hugged each other! A blinding explosion of fire erupted over the pair as Fawkes the Phoenix flamed in and sang a song of triumphant joy.

The thought running through everyone's mind were the same, "What the bloody Hell was THAT about?!"

Dumbledore sat on his throne is stunned horror, 'This wasn't in my plans for the Greater Good! How in the Seven Circles did those two find out about their heritage?!'

(18+ story)

6th year, Harry's in a bit of a problem. No matter how much he tries to avoid the situation, any time he's chatting with a girl (usually just the 5th years or higher; the younger years weird him out), they always get this weird glint in their eyes right before they tackle him and drag him to a empty broom cupboard.

It doesn't matter what the topic of conversation either. He could be giving a monotonous dissertation on the Moldovan economic trade laws of 1637, or the history of dragon dung fertilizer development; the girls still get that look and change in behavior.

Oddly enough, Hermione and Luna are the only two girls seemingly unaffected by this effect. When asked about possible reasons, Luna dreamily replies, "While Harry is a Cunning Linguist; Hermione, as a lover of knowledge, has The Touch that 'comes' from knowing where to find the right response."

Harry and the other first year Gryffindor muggleborns/raised have started roaming the hallways of Hogwarts armed with Nerf Blasters. An ambush is inevitable, and the magically-raised have no defense. The rules of no magic in the corridors isn't broken because the Slytherins can't retaliate and blame it on other people.

Chaos ensues...

On his first trip to Gringotts with Hagrid, Harry couldn't help but notice how rude some of the patrons were to the tellers. When it was their turn, Harry muttered a comment that caught the goblin's attention.

"I don't understand why these people are being so rude. If I was in charge, I'd use some sort of magical something or other to charge them a fee for putting up with them."

The teller leant forward, "What did you have in mind, Mr. Potter?"

Harry started, not realizing someone had overheard him, "Oh well, how about a fee of 5 knuts for every bad word said against the goblin people? You could even put it on the coins themselves so they'd get charged even after leaving the bank."

The goblin's eyes glittered in amusement, "That's a positively goblin way of thinking, Mr. Potter; I shall pass along your idea."

***

Several months go by, and the next time Harry had an opportunity to visit the bank, he noticed the goblins were treating him better than most. "Greetings, Teller Gornat. Could you explain why I seem to be treated almost like royalty? Have I done something?"

Gornat's smile was almost feral, which for a goblin indicated happiness and warmth, "Mr. Potter, thanks to your idea, Gringotts is making money hand over fist. Several 'prominent' families are in danger of insolvency."

"Wow!"

"Indeed, anyone who can come up with such a sneaky way to punish their enemies will always be welcome here."

3rd year

Hermione proves once again that she's not to be dismissed as a 'mere' muggleborn.

She's charmed a pocket-sized fart machine with a notice-me-not and slipped it into Draco's pocket. Whenever he starts spouting off about how muggleborns don't belong in the magical community, she triggers it; once again proving that the blond boy is nothing more than full of gas.

Anywhere he goes, the moment he opens his mouth to utter his favorite catchphrase...BRRRRPT!!

Because the device is non-magical and doesn't use sophisticated electronics, Hogwarts' anti-technology wards don't affect it (or it lasts much longer than a transistor radio would.) Because their wands remain in their pockets, no one can claim they were attacked. With no magic being cast, evidence of wrong-doing is absolutely impossible to prove.

Harry's in awe, and pledges his everlasting allegiance to Her Majesty, Queen of All, Hermione Jean Granger.

Long may Her reign be supreme!

AU in which Harry never went to Hogwarts. Albus died during 1985 from complications due to overindulgence of sweets and never told anyone about Harry's whereabouts. After the first letter went out in 91, it was ignored by the Dursleys. There were no follow-up swarm of letters after that. Harry instead went to Stonewall High and eventually graduated then joined the RAF.

Despite never being trained in magic, magical things still happened around him; even getting to the point where his callsign was 'Merlin.'

****

Hermione did briefly go to Hogwarts where she was shunned by the purebloods because she was so much better than them. Deciding that Hogwarts wasn't for her, her parents decide to get a tutor. They find one by the name of Remus Lupin.

*** 

While at an airshow, Harry 'Merlin' Potter was demonstrating some new tech when he was strangely overcome with the urge that something wasn't right. Acting upon that urge, he intervenes by causing two would-be attackers to be yanked away from a young woman and hit a wall with a sickening thud.

"You alright, Miss?"

"Hermione Granger, Yes, thank you Mr. ?"

"Potter. Harry Potter; though you can call me 'Merlin.'"

*** 

Later, Hermione tells her parents and Remus about her mysterious savior. Remus is flabbergasted and practically drags her back to the airbase. When all three meet up again, Harry cocked his head curiously at Remus, "I swear I've met you before."

"We met before when you were a baby, Harry. I was a friend of your parents before they died. I've been searching for you for years."

The One with the Power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...

6th year

Upon entering the Wizengamot chambers, Albus glanced around, noting that the room was empty. "Hello?" He called out uncertainly, "Is anyone here?"

"Hello, Headmaster." Albus whirled around to see a somberly dressed Harry standing by the door. "I'm glad you could make it in a timely manner. We have a lot to discuss, so why don't you have a seat?" He gestured to the lone chair in the room.

"Harry, my boy, why am I here?" Albus asked warily.

"I won't ask you again, Headmaster. Sit."

Once Albus sat, the magical chains wrapped around his arms and bound him down. Slightly panicking, Albus began to sweat.

"Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, you sit in this chamber accused of heinous crimes against humanity. First, you did knowingly and with malice, continuously wear the most blinding and nauseating set of robes in existence. Second, you did knowingly and with malice constantly push stale lemon drops on everyone you met." Albus was growing confused by the types of accusations. "Finally, you did knowingly reject common sense by not keeping your beard to a reasonable length. How do you plead?"

"What is going on here?!"

Harry shook his head forlornly, "The court can see you are unrepentant. As judge, jury, and executioner; I sentence you Albus Dumbledore... To the most unforgettable night of your life! Hit it!"

Loud, blaring dance music began playing as muscled male strippers burst out the side rooms armed with liquor, party streamers and fur-lined handcuffs. Albus' face was a picture of incredulity as he was surrounded by the pleasures of the flesh.

***

The next day, Harry's cunning plan came to light. Unbeknownst to Albus, a reporter and photographer was there to document his night of debauchery. Spread across a full front page article of the Daily Prophet, complete with pictures and a deeper story within the paper, Albus was described as blatantly partying and enjoying the high life in the Wizengamot chambers while the people of Magical Britain suffered.

When Albus finally came to, he found himself arrested for real and put on trial for misleading the public, illegal profiting from the war, as well as numerous other charges accumulated over the past ten years in relation to mishandling the life of Harry James Potter. The papers declared him as being the most evil of all Dark Lords in recent memory.

***

As he waited in his jail cell for transport to Azkaban, Harry appeared once more, "You know Albus, the Prophecy never mentioned the Dark Lord by name. Given the treatment you've laid on me over the years; one could easily see you as being the Dark Lord. Now, with you out of the way, I can safely and properly begin the hunt and ultimate destruction of Lord Voldemort; and that doesn't include going on an idiotic quest with no instructions or help given as three people traipse all over Britain while those around us suffer and die."

Albus tried to reach for Harry but his hands were still bound.

"Now don't fret, Albus. Just think of your time in Azkaban as a chance to reflect on your past actions or inaction. What you will suffer can only be for the Greater Good." Harry turned and began whistling as he strode down the corridor, the sound of the clicking heels of his boots echoing on the stone floor.

(Created by MonCapitan):

Instead of trying to get Harry into the Department of Mysteries via sending him visions, Voldemort decided to keep it simple, stupid. He dons a disguise to make himself appear as a nondescript wizard and retrieves the Prophecy before Halloween. After hearing the entire prophecy he ponders what to do about Harry Potter and his Power He Knows Not. Eventually he comes to the conclusion that what he needs to do is render Harry ineligible to be subject of the prophecy. He decides to have Snape create a permanent gender change potion to turn Harry into a girl.

This is in a setting where the Dursleys were abusive and Harry's body has suffered the damage of occasional stretches of severe neglect and physical abuse. Snape is fully aware of this but his hands are tied by the Dark Mark. He doesn't actually hate Harry, but the magic of the Mark that ties him to Voldemort makes him treat anyone who Voldemort considers an enemy as an enemy when they are in his (that is Snape's) presence. He's explained this to Dumbledore, but the man doesn't care what affect this has on Snape's interactions with Harry.

So Snape is ordered to turn Harry into a girl. Permanently. After telling him the full contents of the Prophecy. So Snape decides to put his mastery of potions into use. He combines the gender change potion with a potion of rebirth and another to cleanse the user of all deleterious magic. The potion when slipped to Harry does exactly what Snape promised, but a little extra. All the damaging magic is cleansed from Harry (including the horcrux and the scar), all the damage from Harry's upbringing is erased and is restored to perfect health. Last and not least, the binding on Harry's magic (to make Harry Voldemort's equal instead of vast superior) is stripped away. Snape quite literally frees Harry from Fate itself.

Also, last thing. The only person responsible for Voldemort becoming a dark lord is Voldemort. He is the one who chose to go down that path. Dumbledore might've paved the road to make it easier for him to tread it, but it was ultimately his choice to become an utter shit of a human being. Moreover, Voldemort is a symptom of the rot in Magical Britain as a whole. It's a society where the bigots are in charge and their bigotry available. Someone with Tom Riddle's inclinations is bound to thrive in such an environment.

Unfortunately for Harry, being turned into a girl (particularly an uncommonly lovely one) has turned her life completely upside down, even if it came with an upgrade to her height (the Dursleys were absolutely vicious in their denial of food). Quite a lot of boys are lusting after her (including some girls), she has no idea how to control her new level of power and finally having the energy to have hormones is completely fucking with her moods. Last and most devastating of all, she's utterly besotted with Hermione, who she now thinks that being a girl now, she can never have. In spite of still feeling a very large degree of physical attraction toward.

Fortunately it's not all clouds. Hermione is quite pleased by her best friend's transformation, even if she's also deeply saddened by the effect the transformation has had on her best friend.

(Co-created with Rhys Thornbery)

'A Life on our Planet,' hosted by Dobby Elf-man.

(Cue slow zoom in on the globe of Earth, and documentary intro music.)

"Australia. Vast, untamed, one of the last places truly settled by modern humans; it is a forbidden no-man's land of magic. Only the natives and muggleborns who are born there are crazy enough to live there."

"Magic as we know it today, evolved from the shamanistic rituals of the Aboriginals. It was from The Land Down Under, where elves originated."

***

Dobby is an elvish version of Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter mixed with David Attenborough. He loves to watch and document the humans as they go about their lives, especially his favorite human, Harry Potter and his mate, Hermione Granger. The thing is, only Hermione is able see and hear his narration. In this episode, he has traveled to the far-off island nation of the "United Kingdom" in search of the weird and wondrous.

***

"This sad and rather pathetic life form is what is known as a Savage Ron Weasley... Foul-tempered, gluttoness, unhygenic. Not known for caring of its surroundings or that of its relatives and friends. This creature seems utterly fascinated by the color orange, and the standings of the worst team in the Quidditch league. Unable to focus on what's important, unless that object is in the form of female cleavage. Nature is a cruel mistress."

***

"Observe the Wild Hermione Granger's bushy hair as she puffs up in agitation!"

"Excuse me, but who are you?"

"Oh dear, it seems we have been spotted!"

***

"Like the common peacock, the Flashy Draco Malfoy is known to regularly strut to assert not only it's dominance but to attempt to attract a mate. Sadly, no prospective mates appear to be impressed. Its territorial call is a whiny, 'When my father hears about this!'"

***

"Shield your eyes and your mind from this next species. The Bombastic Albus Dumbledore; known for being secretive and infuriating but demanding to know all of your secrets, it is by far the most dangerous creature ever to exist. Known to have a bizarre fashion sense and a pathological need to control Harry Potter's life. Do not trust its call, for it is a renown liar."

***

"The Devil's Carrots, aka the Weasley Twins. This species is split into two halves, the Fred half, and the George half. Known pranksters. Intentionally gets poor grades to thwart the efforts of its matriarch to secure nice, safe stable jobs.

***

"Here we see the Scottish Highland Wych Cat. Note her stern demeanor and fierce protectiveness of her kittens. She rounds out that ferocity with an unrivalled passion for flying and Quidditch. Has been known to drink a Goblin under the table."

***

"And here we have the common Dungeon bat. Greasy, weak willed and prone to explosive bursts of temper, it is a dying breed due to it's inability to find a mate."

***

"We're in luck today. The beautiful and Majestic Fleur Delacour. Sometimes known for their snooty behaviour, the Fleur is capable of attracting virtually any mate. However be warned when provoked the Fleur is fearsome and prone to hurling fireballs. Startlingly brave despite tendency to rely on their natural allure. Fond of its little siblings. It has been known to engage in polyamorous relations with the Harry Potter and Hermione Granger."

***

"Here is a prime example of the Wooly Aberforth Dumbledore. Note the goat-like appearance. I would expound on its relation to goats, however this is a family friendly program."

***

"Behold, a rare sight in these part. A vicious Lord Voldemort. Noted for it's habit of indiscriminate violence and slaughter of allied creatures, the Lord Voldemort is a hybrid creature, possessing both reptilian and mammalian features. Sadly, unlike most hybrids the Lord Voldemort is technically able to breed. However only one species has ever evolved to mate with the most insane creature. It's name is the Masked Bellatrix Death Eater."

***

"The Molly Weasley is fully capable of exceeding the noise making capabilities of the well known Howler Monkey when in a temper, however is noted as being significantly less capable in battle. Will often resort to the use of strange chemical and pheromone-like concoctions to secure a mate for herself or her progeny."

***

The Demure Arthur Weasley. Soft and weak-willed, it is often browbeaten by its mate The Howler Molly Weasley. Loves to collect the oddest things, and while possessing an overwhelming interest in learning more about the muggles; is singularly unable to pronounce the most basic words, and cannot understand the purpose of a rubber duck. In rare instances is noted for breaking with this trend and standing up to the Molly. Easy to domesticate however. However is almost always vexing to the more well read out there."

***

"Prone to drunken behaviour, the Mangy Sirius Black is noted for its philandering ways, tendency for mischief and undying loyalty to its friends. It has a tendency for the dramatic flair and will usually buy the most ridiculously expensive things in order to make up for its absence from Harry Potter's life."

"Here we see the Remus Lupin. A sad, nervous creature prone to melancholy and wandering off on its own on full moons. Interestingly, scientists once considered naming this unfortunate beast the "Wolfy McWolf Face. Best cared for with a thick book, a cup of tea, and a ready supply of chocolate."

***

"Ah, a word of caution. Try not to look at it directly for what we have here is the highly toxic Dolores Umbridge. Noted for it's unsightly pink hue and it's ability to make a one mile radius around itself nigh-uninhabitable due to its nasty disposition."

***

"Next up is the Gilderoy Lockhart. In a sad state now. Completely unable to remember its former life. Though, perhaps that is for the better. Capable of Obliviating others for their accomplishments while claiming the credit for himself. Once known for its gregarious attitude, peacock like behaviour and propensity for appearing as more than it actually was. The Lockhart is now confined to a medical ward."

***

All throughout the narration, Hermione is scribbling down all of the notes while Harry tries valiantly to suppress the urge to kiss her.

"Crickey! Here we see The Ravenclaw in Red, Hermione Granger. It is also noted for its fierce and violent defence of its chosen mate, the Harry Potter. Though has been noted in some instances to fall for the wiles of the Lazy Common Ron Weasley."

"What? Ron? Why would I fall for Ron?"

"Oh! We've been spotted, best we make a hasty retreat..."

"Wait, come back, you need to explain that!"

"Faster please!"

***

"Next up is the rare Nymphadora--"

"Somebody said my first name! Who's asking for a hexin'?"

"Tonks. Noted for its aversion to being called its proper name. The Tonks capable of unmatched chameleon-like behaviour. Able to change not just its colour but its shape and gender as well. Noted for its unfortunate clumsiness and fondness for the sad Remus Lupin."

***

"Ah, at last the Mighty Harry Potter. Physically unimpressive, the Harry Potter is without a doubt the most powerful creature at Hogwarts. Depending on the individual in question this can be a good or a bad thing. Prone to bouts of moodiness during adolescence, the Harry Potter is known for following the Hermione Granger around like a lost puppy if left to his own devices. Sadly, has been known to fall for the wiles of a rogue Ginny Weasley on more than one occasion.  Also noted for self-sacrificial behaviour, especially in the extended presence of the Albus Dumbledore."

Hermione looked up sharply, "Ginny's been sniffing around AGAIN?? That idiotic redheaded bint!"

***

"Now we come to the Great Highland Hagrid. properly, the Rubeus Hagrid. Noted for its friendly attitude, great size and unfortunate habit of trusting things which really should not be trusted. Has a habit of collecting particular deadly creatures."

***

"Ah, wondrous! The Luna Lovegood. See how she stares directly at us despite our camouflage. Luna Lovegoods are noted for their ability to sense things which are basically invisible. Fond of divesting herself of her typically required garments with little provocation and for mating with the stalwart Neville Longbottom."

"The sturdy, Ent-like Neville Longbottom is noted for its energetic mating habits with the Luna Lovegood. But is more commonly known for its habit of rooting in the dirt and cultivating plants. However, one should never underestimate the Neville Longbottom. He may seem soft, but is among the more fearsome creatures in Hogwarts."

***

"Sometimes called 'The Common Slattern.' Though known more commonly as the Ginny Weasley. Noted for its fiery plumage, temper and its promiscuous nature. The Ginny is the progeny of the Molly Weasley. Depending on which Ginny Weasley you encounter they may or may not have the same habit for chemical and pheromone snares for mates. Noted in many cases for its lack of common sense and love of flying."

***

"The Cornelius Fudge. Noted for its greed, pompous behaviour and fatal levels of stupidity. Nothing more need be said about this largely irrelevant beast."
"And following close behind is the foul Lucius Malfoy. Noted like the Draco Malfoy for its peacock like tendencies. However it possesses a worse temperament, and tends towards violent sexual deviance. Known for showering the Cornelius Fudge and Dolores Umbridge with padding for their nests. Prone to betraying those closest to it."

***

"The strong-willed Amelia Bones. Noted for its adherence to law and order. Some variants are known to adopt Harry Potter to give him a sense of family which that species often lacks. Known to go toe to toe against Fudge, Umbridge, Malfoy, and Dumbledore; this species rarely loses a fight. Also known for its fondness for Sirius Black despite her legendary common sense."

***

"As I close out this episode, I wish the world was twice as big - and half of it was still unexplored. It's surely our responsibility to do everything within our power to create a planet that provides a home not just for us, but for all life on Earth. This is Dobby for 'A Life on our Planet.'"

Chapter Text

(18+ story) When Hermione got angry...

Summer before 5th year.

Hermione was fuming at how Rita Skeeter apparently reneged on their deal to stop posting hateful articles about Harry. Deciding that it was time to stop playing nice, she stormed down to the Daily Prophet to put an end to the nasty woman's vendetta against the truth.

When Hermione left, she had a particularly satisfied smirk on her face. Rita would now no longer write her usual vitriol. Now, she would write whatever Hermione wanted her to write thanks to a compulsion charm of her own creation. In much the same way that a Protean charm caused two objects to be linked; Hermione could write an article at home while simultaneously Rita would do the same then publish it under her byline.

Now, Rita started writing exposes on every Death Eater that managed to escape Azkaban. She even revealed the truth about the Dark Lord himself, pointing out that there has NEVER been a Wizarding family with the name of Voldemort, nor has there been a child with the first name of Lord. Hermione even took a dig that if the Dark Lord had been a girl and her parents named her 'Lourdes' then it might work. She finished off with the revelation that the phrase he kept using 'I Am Lord Voldemort' was nothing more than anagram for 'Tom Marvolo Riddle;' and that he was the illegitimate half-blood child of a destitute near-Squib mother from the insane, inbred Gaunt family, and the local muggle minor nobility father. How the mother used a Love Potion on the father, etc.

When the articles hit the stands, the public went apeshit; accusations were thrown left and right. So much attention was thrown at this that any smearing of Harry's name immediately took a backseat. 

Because of what Hermione did, Dolores never sent out the Dementors to silence Harry, he never had to defend himself by using magic, and therefore never had to stand before the Wizengamot. Dolores also never got herself installed as a Defense professor either, Dumbledore managed to get Remus Lupin to return much to the joy and relief of nearly three quarters of the student population. 

Because of the changes, Voldemort never got the chance to successfully use the vision of Sirius being tortured; unbeknownst to him, Sirius had been hired as a monthly replacement for Remus on the full moons, and was with Harry when he had that vision. Because of that, Harry and his friends never went to the DoM, Sirius was never pushed through the Veil.

One action caused a snowball effect, lives and fortunes were changed. All because Hermione Granger got angry.

Set during 3rd year.

Harry stared impassively at Hermione. She in turned stared back just as impassively, "It's your turn."

Harry let out a heavy sigh and reached into the box labeled, "Bertie Bott's Every Reaction Beans; a different experience every time!" They were the latest hit from the creator of the Every Flavor Beans, and a surefire way to pass the time with the results either ending in hilarity or tragedy.

So far, Harry had experienced: severe flatulence, a pounding headache, nausea, drooling, an itchy scalp, and that weird taste when biting on a piece of aluminum foil.
Conversely, Hermione had experienced: stomach cramps, a nosebleed, numb tongue, a full bladder, restless leg, and extreme hunger.

"Please, let it be an easy one..." He muttered as he extracted a pink bean. He bit into it and his eyes rolled up into his head as the sensation of longing love overwhelmed him.

On impulse, he grabbed Hermione and gave her the most passionate kiss he'd ever given someone. After a moment, the effect faded but their kiss continued until they broke for air.

"Wow, that was one heck of a bean!" Harry exclaimed breathlessly.

Hermione blushed distractedly as she gently touched her lips where Harry had kissed her, "Yeah, the bean..."

Harry eyed her then took her hand in his, "But that kiss was all me. No bean could compare to you, Hermione."

Starry-eyed, Hermione promptly tackled him and began peppering his face with kisses.

Set during 6th year

Intrigued by Fred and George's Daydream bracelets, Hermione gets involved with providing ideas for additional destinations and durations. Meanwhile, Harry takes one to his uncle Vernon. He explains and demonstrates the bracelet's function then asks if it's possible to create an automatic engraving and printing machine that could fit within a one-car garage.

"Sure, they're expensive but it's still fairly obtainable. You'd have to get a proper base installed and a dedicated electrical power supply; that magic of yours won't cut it," Vernon explained, rubbing his chin in thought.

Harry goes to his account manager to explain the idea, and to see about getting funding. Armed with the documents and licensing, he contacts Hermione and the Twins about mass-producing the bracelets on a scale unheard of by the magical world.

Sample Destinations:
Downtown London Museum District
Disneyworld
Louve museum
Eiffel tower
Tower of London
Alton Towers
Grand Canyon
Hawaiian islands
San Francisco
Toyko
Fifth Avenue, New York
Central Park, New York

Hermione Granger is a Master Thief (her parents are blissfully ignorant of her talents), and her boyfriend Harry is a Master Forger (uncaring Dursleys.) Together, they've pulled some of the greatest art heists and cons on just about every bigwig in the world.

And that was just by age 15...

Back when they were eleven, both found out that they were magical and offered a chance to study magic at Hogwarts. It didn't take either of them to realize that the magically-raised were utter incompetents in security and gullible to boot.

***

First year, the pair figured out the mystery of the third floor corridor and the Philosopher's stone by the end of January. At Christmas, Harry was gifted the Peverell Cloak by Dumbledore (Hermione recognized his writing); they had an older student check it over for hidden enchantments (two tracking spells were found and removed.) Harry forged a copy of the stone while Hermione stole the real one out of the mirror then replaced it with the fake. After using the stone twice (just to test its veracity of course) and turning a pile of base metals into real gold; both decided that possession of the stone wasn't as fun as they thought it would be. They ended up sending it back to Flamel with a detailed explanation. (Flamel wasn't happy about his stone being used as bait but agreed to pretend that it had been destroyed.)

Quirrellmort ended up getting the fake but upon realizing the truth, Voldie abandoned his servant to his painful demise.

***

During that summer, Hermione uses (and marvels over) the cloak to break into a couple of high-end art galleries just for kicks and to test out the Cloak's abilities.

***

2nd year Harry convinced Dobby to just bring the thing that's being used to "plot most terrible evil" at the school to him. Harry checks out the Diary for a moment. He can feel the intense Dark magic practically dripping from its pages then hands it back to the nervous elf. "Take this to Gringotts, let them know that your Master wishes it to be deposited in his personal vault." After Dobby left with the diary; Harry grinned wickedly, knowing that the goblins would probably recognize the Dark magic and deal with the poor elf's idiot Master upon his next visit.

***

3rd year brings the handover of the Marauder's Map after being denied a trip to Hogsmeade by a well-meaning Minerva despite handing her a (forged) permission slip from his uncle. Armed with this incredible aid of potential mischief and the Time Turner Hermione stole from Minerva's desk; he and Hermione plan for and execute a few heists when no one's looking. The mystery of Sirius Black follows canon. They also discover the treasure trove known as the Room of Hidden Things and begin liquidating the art and jewels.

***

4th year, having been forewarned about the TWT by the foreign press and independently recognizing the possibility that Harry might be entered against his will; both he and Hermione steal the Goblet of Fire and created a fake to kick out three random names, and no more. They include a built-in Age restriction, and a written name-magical signature recognition enchantment to prevent someone from entering another person. (If someone tries, they'll glow Day-glo Orange for a week.) Sure enough, the imposter posing as Mad-eye Moody is sporting the eye-watering color the next day after the Goblet was unveiled. Once the Goblet has made its selection, both Albus and Barty Jr are surprised Harry's name wasn't called.

Voldemort is still resurrected but with someone else's blood. When Harry and Hermione find out, they both begin making plans to get out of Britain. They inform their closest friends (Neville, Luna, Susan, Hannah, and a couple of others) of the impending danger and recommend getting out ASAP. When asked why Harry is leaving, Harry shrugs and says that dealing with Voldemort is not his job. "I'm only 14. I don't have the knowledge or training. If the sheep of this country want to get rid of this new threat; let them figure out how. Dumbledore dealt with his generation's Dark Lord, he can deal with this one too."

***

Summer before 5th year, Harry forged the paperwork stating he and Hermione had won scholarships to study at a prestigious West Coast school in the United States. They both withdraw from Hogwarts (Harry naturally forges Dumbledore's signature) and pack up to leave. As they're traveling muggle-style, the Order of the Phoenix doesn't catch on until it's too late. Sirius and Remus were told beforehand though and are in on the scam. Sirius rightly figured that he wouldn't be able to get a fair trial in Britain so he applied for and received sanctuary (asylum?) in the US.

***

5th year, the Grangers, Harry, and the two remaining Marauders are safe in the US. In the meantime, their friends manage to convince their parents/guardians to at least improve their security measures, if not pack up and move. Dumbledore is shocked to discover that Harry had managed to slip his leash and vanished. He's prevented from searching because of the new school year and Dolores Umbridge's appointment as High Inquisitor. 

Voldemort achieved his goal of taking over the Ministry and begins a new reign of terror. Dumbledore's at a loss as to what to do because of Harry's deviation from the old goat's plans. Things take much longer for the Light to triumph over the Dark. In the end, as everyone's trying to figure out who to blame; a mysterious packet arrives at both the Daily Prophet and the DMLE, explaining the backstory of everything and Dumbledore's plans for the Greater Good.

Albus loses more than just the glory and accolades from defeating the Darkest Dark Lord in recent memory after being arrested and convicted for crimes against the people of Magical Britain and sent through the Veil.

***

During the war, Harry had learned about the prophecy and its contents from the American Unspeakables. He contracted with the British DoM to act as his 'hand' and hunt down and destroy the anchors that kept Voldemort from "moving on" while the teen enjoyed the sweet life living in sunny Southern California with his chosen family and friends. The Horcrux in his scar was removed via muggle plastic surgery and magically healed so that not even a trace remained.

By war's end, he and Hermione have graduated from CSUN with degrees in multiple fields and are getting ready for their next 'excursion.'

The Eternal Punishment for Albus Dumbledore

When Albus' soul passed into the realm beyond, he was greeted by his grim reaper. Albus automatically assumed that he would be going to heaven but his grim reaper was...grim.

"For all of your honeyed words, it was your actions, or inaction, that was the determining factor in where you'll be heading. Your vaunted 'Next Great Adventure' will be anything but that."

Albus sputtered, "But everything I did was for the Greater Good!"

"But at what cost for the individual, specifically Harry James Potter? You were allowed to hear the prophecy but you did nothing to guarantee its success. There was nothing in there that said his parents had to die yet you set them up to fall then proceeded to dump the toddler on the doorstep of his maternal aunt's doorstep with a fragment of Thomas Marvolo Riddle's soul in his scar."

"But..."

His grim reaper waved off his attempted rebuttal, "Save it, Albus. From this point forward, you'll be remanded to the pits of Hell where you get to watch for eternity as all of your idiocy is put to rights and all of your 'hard work' is undone."

There was a bright explosion of sulfur and flame then Albus was gone.

Set during the summer before 5th year.

Harry and his friends attend a RenFair to help Harry not dwell on Cedric's death. Hermione's been to one before so she's promised to act as a guide. Neville, Luna, and the other magically raised are astounded by what they experience. On a whim, Harry performs some low-level magic; none of the other guests or hosts bats an eye. 

Remus and a couple of the other Order members are tagging along for security. They too, are impressed with they experience.

Moody gets into a conversation with one of the armorers about era-appropriate weapons, Remus discovers the booksellers are selling reproductions of manuscripts long thought lost.

Sirius is hanging around Harry in his canine form, utterly intrigued by the notion that these muggles put on these shows for fun.

***

During their lunch, Luna was describing how the fortune teller must be a fake because she asked what it was that Luna was looking for, instead of just knowing.

Susan and Hannah were gushing about the jewelry wares, "We've never seen such detail work in the alley. I don't even recognize half of the stones used."

Harry was sitting there with a serene look on his face (which was unusual, simply because he was normally stressed about something.) "I love that I was able to perform magic. Can you believe that Dumbledore balked at us going on this trip?"

Hermione tried to assuage him, "He's just trying to keep you safe, Harry."

"And going about it all wrong, Hermione," Neville replied, "It's one thing if Harry wanted to go to the Alley, but this? The Death Eaters wouldn't have the first clue."

***

Unbeknownst to the group, there were a couple of Death Eaters in the crowd. Fortunately though, they too were entranced by what they saw and figured, "Meh, let's take the day off... Ooh! Corn dogs!"

(The corn dogs reference is from an episode of The Big Bang Theory.)

(18+ story)

Harry, Hermione, Remus, and a couple of the other Order members stood around a recovering Sirius after an unplanned encounter with a Dementor.

"I'm sorry I let you down again, Harry," Sirius wheezed.

Harry took his godfather's hand, "I don't blame you. Hey, look on the bright side! You finally get that trial you were denied all those years ago."

Sirius nodded resignedly, "Yeah, I'm terrified that something might happen. On top of that, it's more than a month away. I'm gonna go crazier in here with nothing to keep me occupied."

Remus commented, "I promise to come by regularly and bring some games."

Sirius returned with a small smile, "Thanks, Moony."

Hermione had been looking through his chart, "Oh! I see they have you on a comprehensive recovery plan. Huh, here's one part that should...ahem, perk you right up?"

All eyes swung over to her. "What part?" Sirius asked nervously.

She held up the clipboard, "It's for your reproductive health; according to this you'll need to successfully get four women pregnant. Um...oh, it says here that it won't affect inheritance or blood lines; all that is covered by the hospital."

Sure enough, a wicked glint sparked in Sirius' eyes.

***

Later as they were leaving, Harry pulled her aside. "What was that all about?"

Hermione gave him a kiss on the lips, "Just an incentive for him to get better."

"I seriously doubt that the hospital has this plan."

Shrugging the concern off, Hermione replied, "It shouldn't be too difficult to find four attractive witches willing to sleep with him in exchange for a healthy payoff and non-disclosure vow. Come on, Harry! You saw his reaction. How about I give you a sample of what he's going to experience?"

The lusty look in her eyes caused Harry to gulp in trepidation and warily agree, "Okay..."

Hermione led him by the hand to an empty exam room and huskily breathed, "Come, Mr. Potter; your girlfriend is in desperate need of your Wand of Destiny..."

This is what happens when you break your promises, Albus!

***

1st year, first potions class.

Severus sneered at Harry glib answer to the questions he'd posted about the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane, "You're so arrogant, Potter! You're no better than your father."

Something changed in Harry's face; it almost resembled longing, "You knew my parents? Please tell me about them. My aunt and uncle never said anything about them to me other than he was a drunk and she was a whore."

Severus was snapped back, "Surely not... What is your aunt's name?"

"Petunia Dursley."

"I meant her maiden name."

Harry thought for a moment, "Um...Evans."

Severus' eyes grew wide and his face stormy, "YOU WERE SENT TO LIVE WITH THAT MISERABLE WOMAN?!" He visibly reined himself in, "Harry, I apologize. I had been led to believe that you were growing up safe and loved." He rose sharply to his feet and set his face stonily, "If you all will excuse me, I need to a have a word with the headmaster." 
He stormed from the room without another word.

***

Later at dinner, the school was stunned to learn that both the headmaster and potions master had to take an emergency visit to Saint Mungo's for unspecified wounds. When both returned, Severus made sure to always set some time aside for Harry (and later, Hermione) to share stories about the elder Potters and to help both become better potioneers.

Dumbledore on the other hand, was expressly forbidden to come anywhere near Harry again for any reason not specified in writing three days in advance and via Professor Snape first. Albus continued to attempt to speak with Harry out in the hallways, but every time he tried, he mysteriously developed an urgent case of diarrhea and leaden shoes.

At the end of the year, instead of going back to the Dursleys, Harry was brought back to Spinner's End in Cokeworth where both Severus and the Evans grew up. During that time, Severus took it upon himself to mentor Harry and fill his head with lots of stories of his mother (he rarely spoke about James Potter.) Severus also took Harry to Gringotts to get in touch with his account manager so the Potter Will could be read, and his finances explained.

***

During the summer before 2nd year, Harry displays his Parselmouth abilities which leads to a whole new avenue of studying and training. When the Chamber of Secrets was opened, Severus asked Harry what he heard. When Harry recounted what the voice said, Hermione commented that all she heard was a hissing noise. This clued both Harry and Severus into the idea that perhaps the monster was some sort of serpent.

***

By 3rd year, when Sirius escaped from Azkaban; Severus had had time to accept that Remus wasn't the one at fault for the Whomping Willow Incident, and that Sirius had more than paid his penance after spending 12 years in prison. He helped Remus capture Sirius and Wormtail then called in Director Bones to properly handle the situation.

***

Because of the changes, the lead up to the resurrection of Voldemort was different. The Harry Potter who was whisked away to the graveyard was a more wiley sort. Instead of blundering around, he crept up to the oversized cauldron. His trained senses detected and immediately identified the ingredients. Correctly figuring that whatever this potion was going to be used for, couldn't be a good thing; he tossed in a handful of weeds growing on the ground. This destabilized all of Pettigrew's hard work and rendered the ritual useless. Once the ritual failed, the Voldemort homunculus couldn't climb up and ended up drowning in the muck. Pettigrew never understood what went wrong and bled out from his wound.

Harry grabbed Pettigrew and the cauldron before recalling the Cup and sending them all back. 

The resulting public firestorm of him showing up with the fresh corpses of his enemies rocked Magical Britain and launched multiple investigations into what actually happened. Albus naturally tried to stick his broken beak in, but unbeknownst to him, Harry had already contracted with the DoM to act as his Hand. They took over the investigation and blocked Albus at every turn much to the old goat's annoyance.

The DoM hunted down and destroyed the various Horcruxes which allowed Harry to focus on his growing relationship with Hermione and his upcoming OWLs. There would be no idiotic quest through the countryside or titanic battle for supremacy.

The Second Blood War ended not with a bang, but with a whimper.

"Meridiem in tenebris scripto"

Annoyed at how tired the flickering candle lights make her eyes, 12 year old Hermione rummages through her English to Latin dictionary and comes up with a spell to make the text on the page glow with a soft warm light. She demonstrates this to Professor Flitwick the next day.

"Twenty points to Gryffindor, Miss Granger! This is outstanding work. Now, I want you to give me a full write up including the Arithmancy on how you created this spell."

A week later, she hands in her report.

Professors Flitwick and Vector, the Arithmancy teacher go through her paper, marveling at the ingenuity. Hermione is called back in a while later. "Miss Granger, this is simply extraordinary work. With your permission, I'd like submit it to not only Charms Quarterly, but also Arithmancy Monthly. Both are prestigious journals, and read worldwide."

Naturally, Hermione was floating on cloud nine and couldn't wait to see her name in print so she readily agreed. It took a little while but right before the summer holidays, two owls landed before her at breakfast. Each had that journal's issue and featured her new spell.

Beaming with pride, she wondered what other problems she could find a solution to.

In retaliation against the school for turning on him during the Chamber of Secrets fiasco; Harry teams up with Hermione, and the house elves to pipe a creepy, disturbing version of 'Pop goes the weasel.'

The music is discordant and scratchy, it's just loud enough to be heard when all is silent at night when everyone is supposed to be asleep. No one knows who's playing it or how it seems to be getting into their dorms, classrooms, hallways, etc. 

It just sort of....floats.

What's worse is the new message on the wall, "You have accused another of being me. You will all suffer..."

***

By December, nearly everyone (even those who would normally stay) has fled in terror for the safety of home. Even Diarymort is worried; was the primary lurking nearby? Was this new presence actually something far worse?

In the meantime, Harry and Hermione are dying laughing at the results of their truly epic prank as they sip hot chocolate by the Gryffindor fireplace.

Hermione's angry with Ron over something insensitive he said. Deciding that a spot of payback was in order, she contacts the two people who are most capable of inflicting the most harm.

"Lavender, Parvati; thank you for assisting me with this."

The Gossip Girls and Hermione put together a smear campaign that would last the ages. Every dirty little secret of the redheaded walking stomach would be aired for all to see, hear, and read.

By the time they're done with one Ronald Bilius Weasley, he won't be able to step a toe outside his parents house.

(Author picks insensitive comment and dirty little secrets.)

Chapter Text

What if an obscurus wasn't a roiling miasma of negative energy and emotions? What if it was more like your shadow on a sunny day?

***

(Dark Harmony)

After years of abuse from the Dursleys, Harry finally snaps the summer before 3rd year. He screams his anger and frustration at his aunt, uncle, cousin, and "aunt" Marge before bolting to his room. What he didn't know was that his shadow that was illuminated on the wall behind him had stayed behind.

An hour later, and curious as to why it was so quiet in the house, Harry crept down the stairs and spotted his relatives still in their places at the dinner table. Each of them shared two common traits: The look of abject fear in their eyes, and the fact that each one was stone-cold dead.

***

On the verge of panicking, Harry hears what sounds like an echo of his voice coming from a shadowy corner of the room. A faint outline of a person could just be made out. "Do not be afraid of me, Harry. I am you after all."

The pair hold a conversation of sorts as to what this creature who looks like an inverse version of Harry, and what its intentions are.

"I am made up of all your anger, hate, fear, and more. It is my purpose to destroy those who would cause you harm. To do that which you cannot."

***

Now freed of the Dursley shackles, Harry and his shadow begin to rebuild his interests in life, education, love, and friendships. His shadow never hesitates to point out where Harry might be going wrong, it even helps to dispose the bloating corpses stinking up the dining room.

***

By the time that Harry returns to school everyone notices just how much he's changed. Harry now walks, talks, and has the attitude of someone who isn't going to take any more of the magical world's shit.

Hermione is puzzled by this change in attitude but at the same time, is drawn to his darker mood. It tugs at her in a way that almost seems...primal. When she does learn the truth, rather than be repulsed; she asks him how she could release her own inner shadow for her time in Magical Britain hasn't been all sweetness and light either.

Dementors, a supposedly escaped convict, and the usual crap from Malfoy, Ronald, and Albus. The school and its inhabitants keep piling on the fuel, and all it's going to take is a single spark to watch the world burn...

5th year Arithmancy class sees Hermione sitting in her seat with a heavy contemplative expression on her face. Everyone by now knew that look and only the most foolhardy (aka Ron) would dare to interrupt.

"Professor Vector," she began slowly, "Does the term 'quantum entanglement' mean anything to you in regards to the Protean charm?"

Vector frowned in thought before shaking her head, "I can't say that it does; why?"

"Because I read a muggle paper last year on how quantum entanglement could theoretically be used to transport information from one point to another and based on what I've read of the charm; this is exactly what the muggles theorized."

Susurrations from the others in the class were heard before Vector waved them down, "Miss Granger, you mean to tell me that the muggles have figured out to quantify magic?"

"I'll see about bringing in the paper so you can see for yourself, but yes, I think they have."

***

Three days later, Hermione handed in a copy of the scientific literature on QE. Vector had brought in Flitwick since he was the Charms professor and the two sat there flabbergasted at the revelations the data displayed.

"Is it possible that one or both of the scientists are muggleborn?" Flitwick asked as he shakily poured themselves a cup of tea and handed one off to her.

Vector slowly shook her head, eyes wide and distant, "I have no idea, but this is huge. If the muggles are this advanced, what else have we magicals been kept in the dark about?"

***

Discreet inquiries were sent out and it quickly became clear that it was ONLY Magical Britain that didn't have the same information exchange with the muggles that the rest of the world enjoyed. (Even Magical North Korea had an exchange, heavily censored as it was.)

Disheartened (and rather angry), the pair pull Minerva and the other teachers (minus Dolores) in to bring them up to speed. A decision was made to go behind the school board, the WEA, Albus, and the ministry to see if there was anything that could be done to bring Hogwarts and its students into the modern era.

***

When Albus found out about their efforts, he tried to have the proceedings stopped, stating that their educational standards were the finest in the world. Dolores basically said the same thing but in a more sneering tone.

"We are NOT the best, Albus! We're not even in the top ten magical schools in the world. Even discounting the smaller day schools, we ranked 50 out of a possible 55 percentile. Our History of Magic qualifications are useless outside of Britain, the Defense Curse has made the position interesting to only the most masochistic or suicidal, and the school brooms are death traps! Those are only SOME of the failings at this school."

So it was with heavy heart, Albus reluctantly allowed for some international guests to show them where they could improve. Dolores kicked up a fuss but was slapped down by Minerva reminding the toad that Hogwarts is an independent entity from the ministry and her rantings about allowing foreign filth into castle would not be tolerated.

Secretly, and individually, both Albus and Dolores began making plans to derail the incoming teams efforts.

The morning of Wednesday April 10, 1996 saw the arrival of 10 men and women from all disciplines at the Gates to Hogwarts. Let the Education Reformation begin.

Deciding that they'd been cooped up for far too long in Grimmauld Place, Harry stages a jailbreak by convincing Molly Weasley she should head home to take care of the farm animals (We'll be fine!)

A quick hop through the floo saw Harry, Hermione, Sirius, and Remus brazenly walking into Diagon Alley; Sirius was dressed as if he'd stolen a set of robes from Dumbledore. Aurors were called for but the response the four gave the crowd had everyone scratching their heads long enough to make their escape.

"Do anyone of you really believe that the escaped madman Sirius Black would come out into public, knowing that everyone and their crup is looking for him?"

"But he looks like Sirius Black!" Someone shouted.

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Please! This is clearly Albus Dumbledore. The headmaster was the unfortunate victim of a prank perpetrated by Black to throw everyone off his trail. Headmaster? Why don't you give a demonstration?"

Sirius put on his best Albus impersonation as he peered at the crowd over the rim of his glasses, "While I can appreciate a good joke like anyone else, it's for the Greater Good that I must return eventually to my normal appearance. Would anyone like a lemon drop?"

His words and mannerisms soothed the fears of the crowd and allowed them to take their exit.

***

When they returned to Grimmauld Place, all four broke down into gales of laughter.

"Moony, my friend; what say you to inducting these two rapscallions into becoming full-fledged Marauders?"

"I agree, Padfoot. That was some clever thinking between them. Now, we need to think of names."

"Nothing stupid or embarrassing," Harry warned.

Hermione had a teasing glint in her eyes, "Aww, I was hoping you'd take the nickname of 'Hunky Monkey.'"

"Only if you accept 'Honey Bunny.'"

Sirius interrupted, "Marauder names are only one word. We could go with Monkey and Otter, since her Patronus is an otter."

Harry glared at Hermione briefly before smirking, "I'll accept Monkey if Hermione goes with Bunny."

She tried to stare him down but blinked first, "Fine," she growled, "But I'm going to be the most fearsome bunny that ever lived."

Sirius retrieved some bottles of butterbeer and passed them out. He held up his in toast, "Here's to the next generation of Marauders Moony, Padfoot, Monkey, and Bunny; long may we prank!"

In between the 'escape' from Privet Drive to the Leaky Cauldron but before he got on the Knight bus before 3rd year.

Harry "leaks" a letter to Dumbledore stating that he's safe and has taken up residence at Madame Chang's Whoopee Parlor in South Korea where he's been given the job of collecting, sorting, and cleaning all of the prostitutes undergarments. The job is going pretty good, and the food is awesome. He goes on to say that the proprietor is considering using him as an errand boy between the local gangs.

Albus freaks out and heads out immediately. Harry spends a blissfully happy summer in the Alley unencumbered by a nosy headmaster.

What if the Philosopher's stone wasn't a rock or gem (as seen in the movies) but was in fact, a coffee bean?

Nicholas Flamel was and always would be a coffee fanatic every since that 'magical' drink was brought back to Europe by Spanish explorers. He managed to get a sample of the seeds and began growing his own strains. Word got around to his neighbor's that the legendary philosopher was creating a "stone" that would produce the Elixir of Life.

To the unfamiliar, a coffee bean is hard like a rock so it wouldn't be that much of a stretch to see where the term "The Philosopher's Stone" came from, nor would the notion that it created an elixir that caused the body, mind, and spirit to stir to life.

Over time, the legend changed and the supposed stone became that substance that Albus used as bait, that Voldemort sought and that Harry vowed to protect.

Owing that Luna knows how to operate a printing press, Harry and his friends team up with quirky blonde to create a student-run newspaper during Umbridge's reign of terror during 5th year.

Their paper, called the "Hogwartian Herald;" was indeed a real newspaper. It contained student written articles on everything and anything that would catch a teenager's attention; from study tips, the last known location of a particular book, fashion and beauty tips, and Quidditch stats. It had advertisements for everything a student could want too, like The Three Broomsticks, Tomes and Scrolls, Honeydukes, and Creevey Photography Studios. It also has a special section dedicated to the weird and incredulous (aka the stuff you'd find in the muggle tabloids stands.)

The Herald seemingly toed the ministerial line about 'subversive topics' and stayed away from anything controversial. The quality and content were such that not even Dolores could find fault with it. 

Now, you might be asking yourself: Why would Harry and his friends put this together? Aren't they trying to bring an unjust system to justice?

Well, they are. You just need the correct passcode... To get it, you need to see Madam Pomfrey for her special potion; the 'pale moonlight blue one with the sparkles.' By drinking that, the hidden messages contained within the paper suddenly become clear.

Everyone assumes it's only Hermione who's able to come up with some wicked spells designed to cause maximum damage.
Well, Luna's quite capable of doing that too; though her spells are much more...creative.

***

pedibus pavimento adhaesit, vita supra expositum est = feet stuck to the floor, life over explained

pedibus pavimento adhaesit, verum fateri coactus est = feet stuck to the floor, compelled to tell the truth

***

Using a set of runes and enchantments that were inscribed on a removable plate; Luna is finally able to get some peace and quiet to work on her studies. She's set her perimeter to cover an area of 15 feet and settles in to read.

Her boyfriend and girlfriend, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, respectively know that when they hear the life story of someone being broadcast over the school's PA system, Luna has caught another one of the idiots who try to bully her in her web.

"Wow, that's like what, the fourth moron this week?" Harry pondered out loud.

"Fifth," Hermione rebutted, "Draco tried twice yesterday."

Harry shook his head, "So much for Pureblood Superiority. You'd think he'd learn after the last time."

Hermione made an inarticulate noise of indifference, "Well, we both know how much he loves to hear himself talk."

"I wonder if Lu is accepting alternate options of punishment for that perimeter guard."

"Like what?"

"A 24 hour compulsion to try and snog Ronald? How about a compulsion to follow the headmaster or Snape around the castle whilst trying to serenade them?"

Hermione giggled as she reached for her notebook.

(From Yvette Maxwell)

Harry has discovered something unusual...in addition to using his wand and saying the Latin spells, he's also able to cast spells using SONG LYRICS.

Becoming bored one day shortly before exams, he noticed Hermione coming back from the Library (again) and started (off key) quietly singing a song that he remembered playing on Aunt Petunia's radio that summer, "She wore an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka dot bikini, that she wore for the first time today."

Shocked, Harry saw Hermione's uniform change into the exact type and color of swimwear that had been described in the song. So he decided to experiment (and after she calmed down from screaming at him) Hermione decided to help him.

They each tried different songs and surprisingly, some of the lyrics acted as spells on the other students. The first 'experiment' was Draco, and the song 'Hound Dog' by Elvis Presley, which actually changed the little ferret into a sad eyed Basset hound for almost a half hour (until Snape found him and reversed the spell). 'Blue Velvet' worked particularly well, and the girls of Ravenclaw loved how POSH their uniforms looked after that one.

The experiments into "magical music" continued, and NO ONE was able to figure out who was doing all of the (what was assumed to be) pranks.

Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Luna attended a Comic-con in San Diego while on vacation after the war. As they enter, each one could feel their jaws scraping the ground. Luna squealed with excitement and scampered over to the My Little Pony booth while Neville wandered over to check out the life-sized Groot character.

In the corner of Harry's eye, he caught a glimpse of a bone-white mask and robe; his wand was immediately in his hand as he dove for cover. He poked his head up, his eyes frantic but immediately frowned in panicked confusion as the 'Death Eater' he spotted lifted his mask and slurp on a soda.

Hermione's immediately at his side, a comforting hand on his cheek, "Breathe, Harry. No one here is going to hurt you." Harry finally came back to himself and shook his head as he clambered to his feet.

"You alright, Harry?" Luna queried as her silvery grey eyes roamed the crowd.

"I'm fine, thank you. It just took me by surprise. Why would anyone willing dress up as one of them?"

Neville came back armed with a couple of pamphlets, "This is weird, apparently there's a whole fandom about what happened back home. Fan fiction stories written, people play-acting different 'characters,' the works. There's a section in B6 where they're congregating." He pointed off to the North quadrant of the center.

Throughout the rest of the day, the four are astounded by the varying levels of attention to detail as fans of the Harry Potter Magical World gather to show off their creations. Many questioned them on where they managed to buy such quality wands and how much the shipping cost, comparing them to their own wands (some personally crafted, others clearly fake.)

"Sirius and Remus would've loved this place," Harry wistfully said as he took a bite out of his lunch.

Neville chuckled, "Can you picture Firenze or Professor Flitwick here?"

Hermione harrumphed, "Can you picture Headmistress McGonagall or the Gossip Twins here?"

Luna's eyes twinkled, "I'm picturing the look on the Weasley Twins' faces as they're confronted with the possibility of combining the artifacts from many different genres to create prank products for their shop."

The other three simultaneously groaned and shivered. "Merlin help Magical Britain if that had ever happened."

The Time when the elves cleaned out Hogwarts

(Starts summer before First Year)

After nearly a thousand years, the legendary Room of Requirement was full up and needed to be cleaned out. Bippy, the Head Elf stood in the doorway and sighed in defeat, he REALLY didn't want to deal with this.

"Okay...Room, I need there to be a large empty space in the center for organization." The Room obediently obliged. "Next, I need all items of a perishable nature to be collected into one pile."

Now there was a modest amount of dessicated, slimy, or things that were growing off the carcasses of things that defied explanation all stacked up in a pile.  This was then vanished, and the magic from the breaking of the bonds, rerouted into the castle's wards.

Bippy glared at the sight of the remaining storage nightmare, "Aside from myself, I need anything still alive to be petrified or stunned to be stacked into a pile."

Fortunately, this pile was MUCH smaller, only a handful of creatures which were teleported to the Forbidden Forest.

Now that the squicky stuff was safely disposed of, Bippy called in some help. A full dozen other elves popped in and awaited their orders. "Jewels, loose or mounted; go here. Clothing, sorted by era, go there. Furniture easily repaired, goes over there. Furniture too badly damaged, just vanish it," Bippy began ordering his team. "If you find something with a recognizable Family name, put it in a pile near the door but don't block it. Books and Scrolls, stack in the space over there. Things you can't identify, call me."

***

A week later...

Bippy and the other elves stood in the newly cleaned out and organized Room of Requirement. It had taken a lot of work but it was finally done. They'd found the Lost Diadem of Ravenclaw and used their elvish magic to extract the Horcrux, which was conveniently contained within a single gem, and teleported it to the caldera of an active volcano. The Diadem was then relocated to Lady Ravenclaw's hidden personal office. A stack of brooms were sent to Rolanda Hooch's office, anonymously. All recognized portraits or personal belongings to a particular family were collected, the family's elves (if any) were called to come get it. If there weren't any elves, a couple were assigned to bring the items to the family. If the family was extinct or muggle, it was put back into storage to be auctioned off later.

Bippy dusted his hands off and congratulated the others, "This was some good work, everyone. From now on, instead of storing lost items willy-nilly, everything shall be sorted first! Now, let's go deal with the rest of the castle."

***

2 September, 1991

Up in the first year Gryffindor boys dorms, Harry stared in confusion (if not a bit of awe) at all the things that had been identified as belonging to his family. In his hands and being gently cradled was a book, The Potter Family Grimoire. This book held the thoughts, memories, spells, and random bits and pieces of hundreds of previous generations of Potters before him. To his left was a magical portrait of his parents, both of whom were looking around at the sheer amount of stuff that had been returned in absolute shock and horror before turning their loving painted eyes back to their son. To his right, laying on top of his bed was a cloak and a unique wand.

***

On the girls side, Hermione Granger was curiously poking through several boxes of books and other items that had mysteriously appeared on her bed. While not as eclectic or extensive as Harry's new collection, she was still mesmerized by the amount of books and scrolls which promised hours of in-depth study. She picked up one book, and read aloud the inscription on the inside of the cover, "This Journal belongs to Hector Dagworth-Granger and my Descendants."

***

Albus Dumbledore was frantically searching his office for two things that should've still been in his possession. First was the Peverell Cloak, the second was the Elder wand. The former he'd planned on returning to Harry by the winter holidays, but not before placing a couple of tracking spells on to keep an eye on Harry's whereabouts.

The latter one, he would need if he wanted to keep the mystique he'd developed of being the most powerful wizard since Merlin. Without it, he was at best, mediocre. He also needed it when Voldemort eventually managed to come back.

Three lives (and more) were changed forever, all because of The Time when the elves cleaned out Hogwarts.

The Power of it

Set during the confrontation of Sirius Black in the Shrieking Shack

Severus held Harry at wand point, his face and eyes contorted with malice, "If you don't back down, I'm gonna make sure Potter here is going get it!"

Harry thought wildly on how to get out of his professor's grip, "No! Not that! Hermione gave it to me yesterday. Shoved it into my face, she did."

The room went silent, even Sirius stopped snarling. 

Hermione on the other hand, caught on immediately, "Harry! This not the time to be talking about it."

"But he's threatening to give me it. While I enjoy it, I only like it when it comes from girls."

By now the back and forth repartee had everyone utterly confused. Harry had managed to slip out of Severus' grip and step over to his friend.

"Well whose fault is that you need it all the time just to make through the day?" She demanded.

"But I like it. It makes me feel good."

Harry caught Remus' eyes and twitched towards Severus who was still standing there watching in befuddlement. Remus blinked for a moment before giving a slight nod. A flash of red light filled the room before the Dungeon Bat slumped to the floor.

Harry gazed impassively at the crumpled heap of his most hated professor then turned to his favorite, "Thanks, professor for helping with making sure he got it."

Hermione finally broke down in a gale of giggle-snorts, "I got an idea."

***

Hours later, Severus stormed back into the castle. The other students and teachers stared at him, a few started laughing.

Minerva waylaid his march to the Headmaster's office, "Don't bother, he's not up there." She got a good look of his face, "Severus? Were you in a battle?"

"No, why?" He grumbled.

"Because you look like you took it to the face. Go have a look in the mirror."

Sure enough, there in bright, bold letters was 'It.'

"POTTTEERR!!!"

The Magic of a fresh canvas

Set during the Ootp

When Hermione entered Grimmauld Place for the first time, she was appalled on so many levels. The interior was a festering pit of despair and seemed to be almost ready to collapse at the slightest breeze.

Then she was confronted by the snarling, foul-language spewing portrait of Walburga Black. Rather than verbally respond, Hermione cocked her head curiously and touched the canvas, noting all of the damage, the peeling paint, the discoloration of the varnish.

"What do you think you're doing, girl?" Walburga sneered.

"I'm wondering if I could repair this canvas or just start with a fresh one."

Walburga went from sneering to genuinely curious, "You paint?"

"Yes. I may not be as good as a school mate of mine. Her works are simply mesmerizing but I'm still able to do some good. Would you like to see some samples?" Walburga merely nodded so Hermione hurried to get her art bag. She set up an easel and began pulling out her art pad. "This is one I did when my parents and I visited France a couple of years ago. Here's one where we took a trip to New York in the United States. Ooh, this one is my favorite. It's a Mediterranean villa overlooking the Amalfi Coast."

Walburga's painted eyes were wide in wonder as she reached for the villa picture, "Could...could you paint that one for me?" She glanced back to her background, "It would be a heck of a lot nicer than this one."

Hermione bobbed her head, "Sure, did you want to keep the same canvas and frame or start fresh?"

Walburga thought for a moment, "If you know the spell to transfer me then I want a new canvas."

"I can do that."

Walburga's smile for once wasn't the vindictive, evil smile she was known for. She genuinely looked eager.

***

Hermione took her time and created a masterpiece. The light from the painted sun filtered through the grape leaves, and across a chaise lounge chair. A small side table held a bottle of wine and a plate of cheese. The waves of the sea in background beckoned viewers to wish they could be there. The warm colors of the villa contrasted yet blended nicely with the rest of the scene. It was so good, you could practically hear the seagulls and feel the breezes.

Walburga Black opened her painted eyes and gasped in wonder, "It's perfect..."

From that day forward, The Dragon of Black Manor no longer spewed her hateful vitriol to the other occupants of the house. Molly wondered why the place was quieter and went to investigate, thinking that someone must've finally figured out how to remove that ghastly portrait. She found Kreacher staring at the newly installed scene with tears in his eyes, "Mistress is finally happy. Kreacher is happy that Mistress found her place."

Hermione and Harry walked past the stunned pair, a smile ghosting her lips as she whispered to him, "Just wait until sunset begins, Walburga's going to enjoy the 'additions' I gave her."

The Pack is Back, Jack!

Starts during the time loop encounter with Moony.

Harry protectively wrapped his arms around Hermione and defiantly glared at the approaching werewolf. Moony reared up and was about to slash them with his claws when a scent, an oh-so-familiar scent, reached his nose. Internally frowning in confusion, Moony backed down his aggression and cautiously approached the terrified teens.

Sniff....sniff...snifffff..... (Confused whine)

Deep within Moony's mind, memories bubbled up with the response that floored the wolf to his core. 'This is the Cub! This is Friend Stag's Cub!'

Moony thumped down heavily on his haunches and drank in Harry's appearance then began to notice the details. Fear, worry about the female, worry about a...dog? Friend Dog! Friend Dog was in trouble! Moony pushed Harry and Hermione towards the lake where Sirius was in trouble and howled in rage and despair as the Dementors moved in.

Harry ended up casting his fully fledged Patronus that evening. It warmed Moony's lupine heart when he saw the ghostly stag. 'The Pack is back!'

***

After the school year let out, Sirius reunited with Remus who told him about the encounter between Moony and the cub. "We need to bring the cub home, Pads. Moony's not going to rest until we do."

Sirius scratched his chin, "Good luck getting him out from under Albus' thumb. The old man's got him practically under house arrest and I've nowhere to live."

Remus thought for a moment, "Grimmauld?"

Sirius flinched, "Never as long as I draw a breath."

"Well, the Goblins don't care about Ministerial decrees, why not go pull some money, get it converted and buy a muggle house somewhere? We can then ward it to the heavens. Not only will we blend in but neither Albus nor the Ministry would be able to get near without being easily spotted."

Sirius bobbed his head, "I like it. We can set up some muggle-repelling wards too so no one questions why two men and a teen boy are living together. Ok, did you want to go with me?"

Remus nodded, "Probably a good idea. We can swing by the apothecary to pick up some restoratives for all three of us."

***

Instead of Harry ending up at the Burrow that summer, a week after returning to Privet Drive, Harry was picked up by Remus and taken to his new home. Sirius swung by later to the Dursleys to investigate what, if any, wards were in place and if any of them could be transferred. 

Grimacing at the absolute...garbage that Albus had either installed (anger and distrust towards Harry; amongst others) or completely banged up (Lily's blood protections only worked on Petunia not Vernon); Sirius wiped the slate clean so to speak and installed new ones to make the occupants think that it was only the three who lived there, their second child died in infancy, and a deep-seated fury at Albus Dumbledore for being the cause of their infant child's death.

***

Now under the care of the two people he should've been with since his parents murders, Harry flourished. Hermione was brought in at the teen's request once he found out that the summer would be filled with an intensive course in learning all the things he should've received. "If she found out that she was being denied a chance to learn something new, she'd be furious." 

Sirius laughed, "The more I learn about Miss Granger, the more she reminds me of your mother."

***

By the start of fourth year at Hogwarts, it was a completely different Harry Potter and Hermione Granger who stepped onto the magical platform at King's Cross. Also present was a recently exonerated Sirius Black, after having proven via Veritaserum and a Pensieve that he was innocent of the charges leveled against him. Once the case was cleared, Sirius immediately invoked his custody guardianship over Harry as per the Potter Will (a copy was stored within the main Potter Vault) and even went so far as to place the Grangers under the protection of the House of Black. (Albus would be royally brassed off later when he found out that Harry had been removed from his 'care.')

Remus was on the platform too, dressed modestly but still miles ahead of his usual shabby appearance. It seemed that it was Moony who'd been holding him back, believing that he needed to suffer for letting his pack die. But now with the return of the Cub and Friend Dog, Moony had no problem allowing Remus to display his regained pride.

'The Pack is Back, Jack' or so the saying went Moony heard once. 'I'm happy and now we can rebuild just as soon as we can get the Cub to recognise his attraction to the girl-cub.'
>>>>

Chapter Text

Study time (18+ story)
Set during 6th year

***

Great Hall, dinnertime

Harry kept staring at Hermione with a dreamy look on his face and it was starting to unnerve her. The raven-haired teen WAS easy on the eyes (and the source of many of her 'alone time' dreams) but this was getting kinda creepy.

"Harry!"

Harry started as if someone had electrocuted him, "Wha! Huh? Hermione?"

"You've been staring at me for the past ten minutes. What could POSSIBLY be that interesting?"

"Honestly? Pretty much everything. The way your hair shines in the sunlight, the way you scrunch your nose up as you look for that bit of obscure knowledge, the way you nibble on your lower lip."

Hermione's face bloomed bright pink as she floundered for an appropriate response, "Um...yeah, uh...thank you..."

***

Later that night, Hermione crept silently into Harry's dorm with the intent on finding out just what it was he must have really thinking of when she caught him staring. She slid the headband of a new device she'd been working on for her Enchanting class then whispered his name into his ear, "Harry..."

The teen sighed happily and murmured her name, "H'minny..."

Once the little red light on the device changed to green, she knew it had collected the appropriate dream. She slipped the headband off and just as quietly returned to her room. She placed the headband on her own head, hit the playback button, and settled in to review Harry's dreams.

***

In the dream, Hermione found herself in the school library sitting on a throne made of books. While this in itself wasn't too troubling, it was the sight of Harry's dream-Hermione that was.

This version of her was dressed in a tighter, more revealing school uniform with the skirt hitched higher up, showing off the tops of a pair of fishnet stockings and a generous amount of her creamy thighs. Her tie was partially undone and the top three buttons on her blouse were open showing of her considerable cleavage. Her hair was its usual bushiness but it had some luxuriant highlights that glittered in the candlelight.

"Harry...," Dream-Hermione purred, "Come study with me."

***

The next morning, Harry awoke and went through his normal routine. When he met Hermione in the common room, he noticed the odd look she was giving him. "What is it? Do I have something on my face?"

Hermione smiled, "No, but follow me." She led him down to the Library Annex located adjacent to the main room. Curious, but unwilling to voice his concern, Harry figured that she must have found some interesting yet obscure book she wanted to share.

"Give me a moment to set the scene. I'll call you when I'm ready," she instructed before disappearing inside. 

Harry scrubbed his hands on his trouser legs as he fretted. A moment later he heard her call out for him to enter. Harry took one look at the scene and could feel his brain throwing a rod and his mouth slowly sliding to the floor.

Hermione sat there on a throne of books, dressed as he'd dreamed of, with a sultry voice said, "Harry, come study with me..."

Hermi-kitty during second year after being discovered of getting her paws on some illegal nip. 

She wailed in despair as Harry wrestled the bag from her grip, "Don't take away my nip! I need it to calm down after my studies!" 

Harry spritzed her with a spray bottle of water, "Bad Kitty! You know this stuff is illegal. What would our kittens say?"

At the mention of future kittens, Hermi-kitty relinquished her grip and stared at him with dilated eyes, a dreamy smile, and a low purr as her tail slowly flicked back and forth.

HP/Robert Langdon (Starts with The da Vinci Code and transitions to Angels and Demons)

Story arc started. Title: Wand, Blade, and Chalice: She Rests At Last Beneath Starry Skies 

After graduating from Hogwarts, neither Harry or Hermione wanted to have anything to do with Magical Britain. The constant battles with the ministry, bigotry, and the remnants from the Second Blood War left a sour taste in their opinions.

After browsing through some research papers and scientific articles, Hermione suggests they go listen to a lecture given by Symbologist Professor Robert Langdon being held in Paris, France.

After the lecture, the pair introduce themselves and quietly demonstrate a few key points the good professor got wrong. Intrigued, Professor Langdon invites them to have a private chat with him. As they're heading to the hotel, the French police intercepts them with an urgent request for Robert to follow him as he's needed to answer a few questions involving a slain art curator.

Ancient codes hidden within cryptic messages, secrets long thought buried, Harry and Hermione are dragged into yet another "adventure" full of intrigue, biblical family lineages, hope, and murder.

Light Gray Harmony; Muggle-ish AU
Story starts January 1, 1982

Hecate, the Goddess of Magic, has become disgusted with the behavior of her chosen children. The witches and wizards of the world were supposed to revere her and her brethren but they either forgot The Old Ways, simply ignored them, or twisted her gifts for their own selfish reasons.

Deciding that enough was enough, she locked down her Gift of Magic until the children proved themselves worthy. There were some countries who caught on pretty fast, while others like Great Britain, foolishly believed that this setback was the results of having Squibs and allowing the muggleborn into their society. 

Dumbledore still believes that whatever nonsense is going on, it won't affect his plans for the Greater Good or that the Prophecy is still in play for Harry's eventual confrontation with Voldemort. He still adamantly refused to accept that Hogwarts was closed down by ministerial orders and spends his days wandering the empty halls or daydreaming in his office surrounded by the portraits of long dead headmasters. The other teachers from Hogwarts finally accepted the new reality and dispersed into the modern education system. The elves and other magical creatures were recalled back to the Land of the Fae.

The prisoners in Azkaban were tried by Hecate, herself. Amongst the high-security prisoners, only Sirius Black was found worthy of being freed. The rest of were executed using the Dementor's Kiss (before they too, were recalled.)

Sirius and Remus rejoin to retrieve Harry from the Dursleys. When Petunia found out what had happened to the magical world, she rejoiced and practically demanded to still be part of Harry's life. "I was planning on keeping the knowledge of magic from him because I didn't want to lose him to that madness like I did with Lily. Now that none of you have it, I don't have to worry about him dying for some stupid ideal."

Portkeys still work even though no one can make any new ones and thus highly regulated. Floos work because the powder can still be produced and the enchantments on the fireplaces are good for at least a hundred years.  Knowledge of Apparition is quickly becoming a lost skill.

***

While the children of magical Britain couldn't access their magic, they still needed an education. As such there was an attempt for a reverse rush into the muggle schools. The muggle Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher had a smug grin on her face as Minister for Magic Millicent Bagnold pleaded with her to allow the 'fine upstanding members' of their community go to the better schools.

"Your so-called 'fine upstanding members' turned your world into the morass it is now and treated those who came from my world as if they were garbage. It's time for you all to suffer the consequences. Should ANY of those children attend one of our famous schools, the entire lot of you will be banished from these shores. Remember that Bagnold; ONE child from your aristocracy goes to a private school, you're ALL gone; and don't think for a second that you can try any of your Mind Magics on us. If you do, I will blow the existence of your world wide open and the reason why."

***

Interesting thing to note is that Hecate never forbade the gaining of magical knowledge, just the ability to use it until demonstrating they were worthy.

***

(1991)

Cornelius Fudge was now MoM after Bagnold lost her bid for re-election back in 1990 but under a greatly reduced level of corruption as he was required to report to the new PM John Major.

Harry Potter and Hermione Granger go to the same junior high school (or British equivalent) fully aware of what they are; they both went through the Ministry's Muggleborn Orientation together for their introduction to Gringotts and Diagon Alley. (The barrier to the Alley was removed by necessity. Gringotts was still run by the Goblins who reveled in their 'win' over the now former magicals.) Part of their school days are spent learning muggle writing, reading, mathematics, etc; then after lunch period, transition to their magical theories, Herbology, and potions lessons.  

They're joined by those who would've been part of their school year at Hogwarts. The kids eventually form their own cliques based on the Houses they would've been sorted into at Hogwarts. Their integration into muggle life is varied as the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs are the ones who have no problem with assimilating. The Ravenclaws don't care one way or the other; they have their books. The Slytherins on the other hand, devolve into a bullying gang who thrive on intimidation, extortion, and violence. Even at eleven years old, everyone KNOWS not to venture into the area behind the bleachers unless escorted by a teacher.

The pair were also amateur practitioners of The Old Ways. Hermione was the one who found an old manuscript in a dusty, second-hand bookshop describing some of the more commonly known rituals and suggested that they try them out while Harry figured 'why not?' while perusing a book on learning and using Ancient Runes. Working in secret, and with many false starts, the pair discover one afternoon after a ritual attempt to boost the growth of plant health that they're able to perform magic! 

At first, their attempts were erratic but they soon figured out how to control and harness their abilities. They both took copious amounts of notes and photos of their successes and failures. 

Harry suggested that they write a primer on their efforts. "We could even write it down on something that'll disintegrate in water if they're discovered." 

Hermione shook her head, "There's no need to go that extreme. The magically raised are still fairly clueless about muggle technology. All we have to do is used that technology against them." 

They keep this information quiet at first, limiting it to just the other muggleborns and raised they know and trust for now. As Hermione correctly reasoned, "There's no good reason to give the aristocracy an advantage again."

"Harry Potter and the Galleon War"

The Weasley Twins are good, the Marauders were inventive, but neither had Hermione to help organize the Mother of All Payback on Magical Britain.

***

Feeling a bit peckish for chaos, Harry and Hermione pull together Directors Bones, Croaker, and Ragnok to outline the "Mother of All Payback" on Magical Britain.

Hermione gestured towards Ragnok, "To start with, we would need you to leak word that the Horde is prepping to strike the Ministry in one massive all-out attack. This would force the Ministry to spend thousands of Galleons to try and mobilize what few troops they have. I would hazard a guess that the Mot members would be forced to open up their own vaults to cover the costs." Ragnok nodded sagely, this would put more money into the various businesses they owned and operated thereby increasing profit while at the same time taking it away from overstuffed idiots who had more than they knew what to do with.

"Director Croaker, you would be responsible for coming up with illusions, propaganda, and tricks to make the ministry believe the Horde is even bigger and more well-equipped than it actually is." Croaker's eyes glittered at some of the ideas that started to materialize.

Harry took over, "Director Bones, it would then fall to you to explain to the Mot and Fudge that the reason why all seems lost is because of the actions or inaction of the two men most responsible for this monumentous occasion. Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape." Amelia let a shark-toothed grin form on her face.

"Snape browbeats, belittles, and demeans every student who is not a member of his House, Slytherin. He seems hellbent on destroying the joys of brewing potions. Before I started Hogwarts, potions was one of those subjects that looked so interesting. Now, I hate the very thought of it. He'll even go so far as to allow another Slytherin to sabotage the work of the other Houses, Gryffindor especially. He delights in making everyone's time at Hogwarts to be the most miserable experience possible."

Harry's face grew stormy as he described Albus' Greater Good concept and how everything he's done or not done is geared into bringing about the generational and cultural war he's been dreaming of since his childhood. "Albus wants magical Britain to stay firmly in the past despite all of the evidence that the world is moving on without him. He's singlehandedly done more to destroy the dreams and lives of everyone around him than even Voldemort at the height of his terror campaign. Voldemort will just kill you. Albus likes to play with his target before he discards them."

Hermione laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "By placing the blame for the low turnout of Hit Wizards and Aurors on both men, we get to make the ministry look like greater bumbling idiots than they usually are. They will spend untold amounts of money only for it to blow up in their faces when they can't deliver on their promises. The minister has the power to charge the WEA into auditing the curriculum and staff at Hogwarts, making necessary changes as they saw fit. That they haven't done so means they are at the very least complicit in perpetuating the dumbing down of the British people."

Five individuals walked into that meeting; a single team of determined people walked out. 

Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape are blissfully unprepared for the approaching storm. They will suffer for their hubris but as Harry and Hermione will smugly remind them, it's for the Greater Good.

Starts first year, Hermione-centric Harmony story

Hermione Granger has always loved her copy of Hogwarts, A History. No one's ever really figured out why though. When Harry flipped through it, it looked just like his copy. Sure, the content self-updated every now and then but that wasn't unusual.

No, what was unusual was that this book, and Hermione, had a secret. The night after the Welcoming Feast in 1st year, she was visited by the Spirit of Hogwarts who revealed that she was in fact the Heiress of Ravenclaw through Rowena's squib son. It seemed that the knowledge of this had been prophesied nearly a thousand years ago that the Raven's Daughter, born of tooth healers would join forces with the Serpent's Son to heal what was broken and return the school to its former glory.

At first confused, her analytical mind soon parsed through the cryptic message. "But who is the Serpent's Son? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

The Spirit smiled sadly, "I am not allowed to say his name directly, but I can tell you that he shares the same distinctive eyes as his mother, and the mop his father called a hairstyle."

It took Hermione the barest second to get it as she burst out laughing, "I know who it is. I'm glad it's him. He seems nice."

The Spirit leant down to whisper, "He will need your warmth in order to grow. His...relatives, are cruel to him. Take your time and be gentle. In time, he will recover and blossom into the man and leader you will need to reshape the world."

"Before I go, Raven's Daughter; I will give you one more gift." Here she plucked Hermione's history book from the bed, "This book will be enchanted to impart all of the knowledge within the castle. This will include knowledge of the Wards, the portraits, the elves, everything. Keep this book safe; it will only reveal its secret to your eyes."

As the Spirit faded, a whisper was heard, "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies...."

The Daily Prophet prints a full page notice in their newest issue that Harry Potter has been kidnapped! The public (and Dumbledore) are going apeshit.

The ransom demands were confusing. The kidnapper said if they didn't answer the question properly, Harry's life would be over. Oh, and the public had two days to figure it out.

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

****

Meanwhile, muggleborns across the island nation are dying laughing at a masterful prank on the panicking wizards. Harry leant back in his chair and raised a glass of juice to his beautiful girlfriend who merely smirked knowingly.

Observation: 

Wouldn't it have been in Magical Britain's best interest to monitor the Prophecy Orbs in the Hall of Prophecy closer? The first Prophecy that Trelawny gave to Albus was roughly February 1980. On November 1st of 1981, an Unspeakable should've checked to see if the Orb was still active or not after Harry Potter supposedly destroyed Voldemort.

The Department of Mysteries would've seen that Voldemort wasn't dead as everyone believed and could've started an investigation into the problem thereby saving Harry so many head- and heart-aches later in life.

The Unspeakables could've had young Harry come in at age 7 or something to hear the Prophecy, sign a contract stating that they were acting as his "Hand," collected up all of Voldie's trinkets, cleansed them of the Horcruxes, and waited for the Primary to show up before finishing the job.

Harry could've let the people who were trained to do the job properly and not be forced to listen to a self-aggrandized idiot show what basically amounted to home movies spread out over the course of a school year, given no information on how to deal with them, given no hints or help as to where they might be found.

Crack scene I want to see.

Harry ran into the Great Hall a couple of days before Christmas yelling his head off, "TROLL! THERE'S A TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!"

The students were scared, the teacher were hesitant but are required to go check. As they approach the hallway, Filius noticed a diminutive pink-skinned creature standing in the middle of the passageway. It took him a good minute before something bubbled up in his memory about this thing. 

The others stared at the Charms professor as he threw back his head and laughed, "Good one, Mr. Potter! You are just like your mother. Ten points to Gryffindor!" Both Minerva and Severus caught on a second later.

Albus was confused, "Filius?"

"Albus, if I have to explain it; it won't be funny. Figure it out on your own," Filius commented as he slapped the item into Albus' hands and left chuckling. 

4th year, lead up to the TWT Yule Ball
Utterly disgusted by Ronald's behavior towards her (and girls in general), Hermione decides that enough is enough and creates a compulsion that would compel the redheaded mouth breather to give himself a concussion every time he had negative thoughts regarding Harry going to the Ball with her and girls' ratings based on self-perceived criteria.

She sets this compulsion into a runic necklace, activated the Knowledge Fidelius component (Crookshanks is the Secret Keeper), and while he's asleep, sneaks into the boys dorm late at night to accomplish her mission. 

***

Molly and Arthur hurried into the Spell Damage Ward of Saint Mungo's after being alerted to Ron's admittance. The Healers and Weasley parents were perplexed as to what could've started this alarming behavior. Ron sat there on the bed, his head swathed in bandages and a glassy look on his face.

"Could he have eaten or drank something?" The Healer asked.

Arthur grimaced, "With Ronald, it's more of a question as to what he HASN'T eaten or drank."

Unable to find the solution, it was recommended that the Weasleys get Ronald a helmet and keep him home for the time being. "We know that he developed this strange behavior at Hogwarts. It then stands to reason that perhaps there's someone or something there has a personal vendetta against him so keeping him home will keep him safe."

***

With Ronald gone, Harry's grades improved, the hostility towards Slytherin noticeably dropped, and those at the Gryffindor table were able to eat in peace.
All was well...

The Hogwarts Rumor Mill, legendary in its own right. Capable of creating or destroying someone's reputation in a matter of minutes, depending on which gossip is on-scene.

***

6th year, after the winter holidays sees Hermione getting off the train at the Hogsmeade platform. She noticed the others staring and whispering in her direction. The whispers grew louder when Harry showed up. The disgusted look on his face suggested that something had happened while she was away.

"What's going on?" She asked him.

"You're not going to like this. Rumor has it that you're pregnant."

Stunned silence greeted his answer.

"What??!"

Harry bobbed his head in commiseration, "Right? Somehow the Mill got wind of you and I disappearing for a while. That rumor was then strengthened because of that kiss you gave me before the train left. Someone said you were holding your stomach "dreamily."

"Oh, for the love of," she grumbled before getting up and heading to the teacher's table where the school Medi-witch was sitting. "Madam Pomfrey, I need you to cast a pregnancy revealing spell to prove to these idiots that I'm not pregnant."

Poppy shook her head derisively, "Fools, the lot of them." She called out to the assembly, "Listen up! I am going to cast the Reveal Pregnancy spell. If it turns red, Miss Granger is NOT pregnant and you WILL stop your gossiping! Revelare Gravida..."

Hermione was enveloped in a strong red glow. She cocked one triumphant eyebrow up at everyone before thanking Poppy. She returned to Harry's side, "Let's hope that ends that idiocy."

Harry took her hand and gently kissed it, "I'm glad you're not yet I'm also saddened. I wouldn't mind having a couple of little Potters running as long as they look like their mother."

Hermione stared lustily back at him, "Keep talking like that, Potter, and those rumors will come true."

***

Later that evening, Harry sat on the couch next to Hermione, "Hey, do you think it's possible to fake a positive result on the pregnancy spell?"

Hermione glanced curiously at him, "It is, but why?"

Harry's grin was shark-like, "Pranking potential against the worst of the malicious gossipers. Imagine if Pansy Parkinson was shown to be pregnant? What do you think that would do to Princess Pureblood?"

A slow smirk grew on her face, "I like it but how would you start the rumor?"

Shrugging unconcernedly, "That's for the gossips to figure out. All we would have to do is set up a location that as a girl passed through, she would glow green based on the false positive we'd trigger."

"And this location? How would you entice girls to pass through it?"

"Call it a safety measure, especially after your recent 'scare.' Protection of the bloodlines or something."

***

The two got to work. They enlisted the support of Poppy who strangely enough, was happy to help. When asked why, Poppy would mysteriously smirk and changed the subject. The girls 5th year on up were cycled through, several were given the 'green light' which caused much denial and/or screaming, accusations, and in a couple of cases, fainting.

Pansy, Cho, Marietta, Ginny, and several others were amongst those that got the green despite their vocal denials. Molly Weasley came up when she heard and threatened to take her daughter to task for shaming herself and her family.

At the end of it all, when the 'affected' girls were shipped to Saint Mungo's for a repeated scan and the truth was revealed, a Healer handed each girl a slip of paper which stated, "This pregnancy scare was nothing more than a prank. You were chosen for this prank based on the lies you repeatedly spewed about the innocent. The rumors of your 'pregnancy' was limited to the castle...this time. If you do not end your malicious gossiping, those rumors will be released to the Daily Prophet."

Both Harry and Hermione are child fashion models. (Vernon had Harry's scar surgically removed back when he was a toddler.)
Knowing how jealous the other kids could be, both had glamour necklaces made to give each a more generic look. Well, at least Hermione did; no matter what he wore, Harry was still getting recognized. 

Puzzled by this, Petunia takes him to Saint Mungo's for a scan of illegal magics. To the Healer's disgust, he finds a slew of binds and power taps. Petunia gives her permission as Guardian to have them removed, and have the cost taken from the Potter account. She also requests the documentation for her records.

Now free of the binds, Harry is able to wear the glamour necklace without problems. When the two meet on the train, their personal magic resonate. They bond over their experiences in modeling, favorite locales, photographers, etc.

Both share a love of learning which gets both sorted into Ravenclaw. Ronald tried to muscle his way into the BWL's life but is rebuffed resoundly. Albus tried his usual Greater Good crap but Harry is under Petunia's orders to ignore anything the old goat wants.

The magically raised are still fairly awed by the fact that Harry Potter is going to Hogwarts but are mystified why some of the muggleborn are coming up to both Harry and Hermione to ask for their autographs, Hermione especially. Rather than explaining, Hermione sends away for copies of her photo shoots and magazine articles.

Lavender and Parvati are floored; Hermione Granger is a fashion model? The bushy-haired teacher's pet? But she doesn't look like one, in fact she's rather plain looking. It's only after Halloween that she finally admits to wearing the glamour necklace to keep a lower profile. Harry admits the same when asked. He also explains that his relatives got him scar removal surgery back when he was a toddler. "Uncle Vernon figured that the magical world might be too primitive to understand the concept of plastic surgery so I went to a proper healer in London. When I recently had a health check done at Saint Mungo's, I can attest to their...unwillingness, shall we say, when the subject was brought up."

***

Year after year, despite Albus' best efforts, none of his plans to test Harry go according to plan. Harry remained singularly disinterested in safeguarding the Stone, laid low during the Chamber of Secrets crisis (Hermione was never petrified and Harry wasn't pressured by Ron to save his sister. Ginny died in the Chamber but the resurrection of Diary-mort was short-lived because during the transfer he lost control of the basilisk and it killed him then went back into hibernation), continued to be studious, and rather unassuming in character. 

When fourth year came around and his name came out of the Goblet, Albus secretly cheered only for that triumph to waltz right into a brick wall when Harry absolutely refused to participate. Come the First Task, Harry is a no-show. Afterwards, Harry proves he still has his magic and therefore wasn't truly entered into the contest. "I am underage, the enchantments knew that. A minor cannot be legally or magically able to enter into contracts, only of-age Heads of Houses. This is in accordance to the Laws of the Land and supersedes any laws or rules set forth by man."

A proper and extensive investigation into the tampering of the Goblet commences. Albus tried to stick his nose in and interfere but was smacked down repeatedly. Harry explained to the press that even if the Goblet had taken his magic, it wouldn't have been that much of a problem for him. "I have a successful career as a fashion model. This is something I've been doing long before I was told that I was a wizard. For me, learning magic isn't the be all and end all of my life. I'll learn what I need to pass the qualifying tests then move back to the non-magical world. This community is too limited for my tastes."

The public's reaction to his statement was immense. There was a public outcry for the ministry to do something. Many scoffed that the muggles could ever come close to the perfection that was Magical Britain. Others, especially those who had dealings with the non-magical world, understood and applauded his decision to straddle both lifestyles.

Regardless of how the public felt, both Harry and Hermione continue as planned. During the summers and winter holidays, they take some local photo shoots, and continue to build up their portfolios. After their OWLs, they get together to decide if getting their NEWTs are worth it. They both decide to test the waters by declaring their intentions.

Naturally, the magical community goes apeshit again. Seeing how crazy they are, Harry and Hermione decide that they don't want to deal with the fickle nature of magical society and leave. During the summer before 5th year, Harry learned that his family had other properties outside Britain, so it was decided by both families to move out and be free.

***

Albus tried to entice Harry back by announcing that he is Harry's magical guardian and won't permit the teen to leave. When that is proven to be false (and illegally claimed); Albus tries again by mentioning that there's a prophecy involving Harry. Harry nods sagely, "Yeah, I've already heard and dealt with it." 

Albus pushes for more details but Harry refuses to say more. Albus tried to use Legilimency but gets no results (Harry's necklace shields against mind magics.) In the end, there is nothing that Albus can do. 

***

Harry goes on to have a successful modeling career, marries Hermione, and lives HEA. Meanwhile, Albus Dumbledore's manipulations and machinations (Bloodline Tampering, purposefully dumbing down the education curriculum, willfully leaving the so-called DADA Curse in place, etc) are discovered by the DMLE after the files mysteriously appear on Director Bones' desk. She drags his bony ass to court where all of his secrets are publicly revealed. When the verdict is read, and the sentence deliberated, there was only one option for the court: The Veil of Death. 

Albus was unceremoniously pushed through proclaiming that when the Dark Lord returned they would all weep over the fact that he, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, wasn't going to be there to save them all from themselves of their hubris. Interestingly, the prophecy orb turned partially dark when Albus died.

Little did he know but the DoM had been contracted by Harry to act as his Hand to seek out and destroy the Dark Lord in his stead. Through their research, the DoM were the ones who discovered the secrets Dumbledore tried to hide (and were the same ones who delivered those files to Amelia.)

Set the summer before 1st year, Minerva was about ready to send out the acceptance letters for the 1991/92 school year when she noticed that Harry Potter's name wasn't included in the list. Worried, she tracked down the Book of Magic which contained the names and addresses of every magical child in Britain. She discovers to her horror that Harry's name had been red-lined with word 'Squib' superimposed over it! She copies down the address then places an emergency call to Director Amelia Bones, "Something has happened to little Harry Potter! The Book of Magic has him listed as a Squib!"

Amelia meets Minerva at 4 Privet Drive and brought a trusted Healer and cursebreaker with her to examine the Potter boy. There they find Harry happily chasing his cousin around the yard armed with a squirt gun and a water balloon. Petunia spots them and shakes her head derisively, "Ladies, I think I know why you're here. I realize that you must've traveled in a hurry but is that any reason to be wearing that?" She made a desultory wave towards their outfits.

Minerva blushed briefly, "We're here to determine how Harry Potter became a Squib."

Petunia gestured for them to check under the rosebush in the backyard. "I may not have any usable magic, but I can still sense when it's around."

***

The onsite examination led to the startling conclusion that Albus had not only illegally set up the wards, but he also tied the power line to draw off Harry's magic! This drain would slowly sap the life out of the boy's magical core. For whatever reason, the tap wasn't working properly and instead of a slow drip; it had literally sucked all magic out of the boy rendering him a Squib! All three witches were royally pissed off at Albus and left to go exact punishment.

Meanwhile Harry approached his aunt, "Do you think they'll ever suspect?"

Petunia shook her head, "If there's one thing I've learned about the British magical community, they never look beyond the obvious." 

As Harry wandered off, Petunia leant back in her chair and toasted her ingenuity with a cup of iced tea (do British have that?) "Who would've thought that learning warding on my own would be so fortunate? I hope they roast that old goat over the fire."

***

Albus was indeed roasted over the fire. Because of everything that came to light, he lost all of his positions of power and was sentenced to twenty years in prison. When Petunia learned of the sentencing, she went out to the wardstone and deactivated the section that hid and gave false information about Harry's magical status thus restoring him to normal. She then wrote to the Wizarding Examination Authority to reinstate his place at Hogwarts.

As Petunia watched her nephew ride the train northwards, her thoughts turned inwards and proud, "We did it, Lily. We proved that Albus did something stupid in his pursuit of the Greater Good and made sure he paid for his hubris."

Chapter Text

Fourth year, TWT First task

Harry stepped out into the arena armed with an easel and a couple of posterboards. Once given the go ahead, he set up his instruments and turned to face his opponent. He pointed first to the dragon, said something unintelligible, then pointed at the easel. The dragon eyed him for a moment then moved in closer to get a better look. She rumbled something no one was able to identify, pointed to the center poster, and held up three fingers. 

Harry wrote that down and flipped to the next page. The dragon examined it, shook her head, rumbled something else, and glared up at the Judges Box before turning back to her nest and plucking out the Golden egg. She held it up for examination before flicking it to the ground.

In the meantime, Harry had called for Dobby and handed the elf the order form. A flash of light produced three cows before the elf vanished. Harry gave a wave of thanks, collected up the egg and walked out just in time for the dragon to attend to her meal.

***

The judges and spectators were stunned (and rather queasy watching the dragon eat the cows) from what they witnessed. Harry Potter had just completed the task in the shortest amount of time with not one bit of magic used!

Poppy fussed over him, surprised that for once he had managed to do the impossible and stayed uninjured. Hermione rushed him and threatened to undo that surprise by giving him one of her famous Hermi-hugs.

"How did you know?" She squealed excitedly.

Shrugging, Harry replied, "Dragons are reptiles so it stood to reason that they'd be able to speak Parseltongue too."

First year, Harry had just finished going through the 3rd floor gauntlet all the way to its final room some time during November (Albus had not installed the mirror yet) before returning to the Gryffindor common room with a thoughtful expression. His brilliant mind whirring at a noodle of an idea that had sprung up as he lay the couch.

"Whatcha thinking of, Harry?" Neville asked as he settled into a chair opposite.

"I just got done with the so-called 'traps' on the 3rd floor and now I'm wondering if they're there for a reason. Is it something to test the students to see how much they've learned this past year? Are there different traps and puzzles based on student year?"

Neville scratched his cheek lightly, "What if you were to ask Professor McGonagall? She is the Deputy Headmistress and the one most likely to know the answer."

Nodding his agreement, Harry walked down to her office and knocked on the door. "Come in!"

***

Happy with the answers Minerva gave him about the gauntlet (it wasn't finished and might be adjusted later), Harry left to go find Hermione to see if the girl could be enticed away from the library. In the meantime, Minerva stormed up to Albus' office, "Where is it?" She demanded without preamble.

Albus stared in puzzlement, "Where is what?"

"The Stone. Hand it over right now, Albus," she growled dangerously. He handed over the Stone nervously and snatched his hand away quickly. She examined it before tossing it back to him with a snort of disgust, "It's a fake. You set up those idiotic traps for nothing. What the Hell were you thinking?!"

Albus was nonplussed, "I assure you, Minerva, this is the real Stone."

"Then why does it say 'Nice Try, Albus' on the bottom? What were you thinking when you took possession of this thing?" Albus' eyes snapped down to the rock in his hands and paled.

"It...it was...no, this can't be! Voldemort was rumored to be after the Stone. I offered to keep it safe here in the castle."

Minerva scoffed, "Flamel played you, Albus. The man has been around for over 600 years. Did you really think that he wouldn't know how to protect his things?"

Albus sat there dejectedly and said nothing.

"As for the 3rd floor, get rid of the Cerberus and the Troll. The rest can stay; I might be able to get the others to think up some other ideas to put in their places."

Confused, Albus glanced up at her, "Why bother?"

"Because Mr. Potter brought up an interesting idea after successfully navigating the corridor. What if we were to install a series of tests based on a student's year as an end of school practical examination to prep them for their OWLs and NEWTs?"

Albus tilted his head in supposed appreciation as the idea trickled through his mind, "Fair enough, I'll speak to Hagrid later."

***

A week later...

"My warning at the start of the year to stay away from the 3rd floor corridor is now no longer in effect. The tests your teachers and I have set up are in place and ready for the first group of students. You will be escorted by your teachers for now, please do not attempt these tasks without supervision."

Professor Quirrell's 'companion' fumed silently from his place on the back of his minion's head, 'The Stone is no longer there. Damn that Flamel and Albus for being so gullible! It's time to leave and find some other way to return to my rightful place as Lord Voldemort.'

The next morning Albus sadly reported that Professor Quirrell had died in his sleep due to unforeseen circumstances. 

Because Voldemort left before confronting the mirror and Potter, he remained unaware of the protection the boy's mother had imbued upon her son.

(From Rogar Myers): "Oh god, now what!"

Hermione wakes up just before 6th year heavily pregnant (minimum of 6th months.) She hadn't been that way when she went to bed. She does admit to having erotic dreams about Harry but never took it further than moaning his name during some masturbation. She freaks out, parents freak out. Get her to Saint Mungo's and the Healers determine the baby inside is Harry's.They go get him which gets Dumbledore involved and figure out whats going on. Turns out on the night of his birthday he had self-pleasured and visualized things with Hermione so vividly magic made it happen. 

So now Harry's determined to be the best father he can. He goes all out and buys all the baby books he can, gets a crib, changing station, boxes of diapers, clothes, the works...

Albus is freaking out because of how this might affect his plans for the Greater Good and Harry's destiny to face Voldemort. He starts thinking of plans on how to either get rid of the baby or even better, just get rid of Hermione. "Bind her magic, Obliviate her, and send her packing..."

Minerva learns of his musings and throws a Scottish fit. She declares that Hermione Granger to be under the protection of House McGonagall and woe to anyone who dares to even THINK of harming her charge!

The start of 6th year arrives with Harry escorting a waddling Hermione off the platform at Hogsmeade. She playfully swats his hands away and gently teases him about his hovering. Harry has lost all desire to find out about Voldemort's past during Albus' year-long jaunt down memory lane and tells the old goat, "Go act as my Hand then, and destroy these things yourself. You've got the education and experience whereas I have a family to think of now."

4th year, Tri-wizard Tournament after the Champion Selection Ceremony

Harry approached Fleur Delacour with a small box in hand, "Miss Delacour, may I have a moment of your time?"

She turned and sneered at him, "What is it, you think can intimidate me too or are you going to be like the others trying another lame attempt in order for me to swoon all over you?"

Harry snorted lightly and shook his head, "Never. Besides, my girlfriend would beat me up with one of her books she checked for 'light reading' if I dared to look at another girl. No, I was hoping was that you would accept this gift of enchanted jewelry on behalf the Castle of Hogwarts."

Fleur's sneer was now replaced by confusion, "I don't understand."

"Hogwarts is ancient and during all of her years, she's become aware of a great many things. One of those things is knowing that our heritage is sometimes a hindrance. To that, she has presented to me enchanted jewelry designed to alert you to those with ill-intent and to filter your Allure to protect you from those who only see you as arm-candy."

Fleur glanced into the box and gasped at the delicate yet exquisite earrings, "How do they filter my Allure?"

Harry shrugged a shoulder, "No idea, but she wouldn't have suggested something without a good reason."

***

During the ramp up to the Yule Ball, Fleur noticed a distinct change in everyone around her. The earrings she wore caused those with dark tidings to completely ignore her as if she was merely another faceless form in the crowd. As for her Allure, only those pure of heart were able to approach her. All others suddenly found reasons to be elsewhere.

Harry and Hermione were cuddling on one of the courtyard walls people-watching as Fleur walked past with a trail of several younger year students (most of whom were chattering excitedly about getting to see her practice magic) and a couple older year students who were clearly besotted but not drooling wrecks.

Hermione kissed him on the lips, "That was a neat trick you pulled on Fleur, Harry. The Castle wanted to gift her with enchanted jewelry?"

Harry blushed lightly, "Well who's to say it's not a possibility? I'm just glad that Dobby was available and that one of my ancestors was married to a Veela and could sympathize with them. It saved her from more headaches and I made a new friend."

I think there was another story similar to this prompt now that I think on it. My prompt however was created independently of it.

***

4th year; TWT Selection Ceremony

Dumbledore stood ready to read the names of the Chosen that had been expelled by the Goblet of Fire. Pausing briefly to build up the tension, he smirked inwardly, 'Potter's name will come out as the fourth and my plans will be back on track.' It angered him at how little involvement young Harry had taken these past few years in the tests he'd set up. It was almost as if someone had cleared the enchantments Albus had placed on the boy.

"For Durmstrang, their Champion is...Victor Krum!" Thunderous applause nearly drowned out his next announcement.

"For Beauxbatons, their Champion is...Fleur Delacour!" More applause, this time mostly by just the males in the hall. The other French hopefuls were visibly angry or even crying.

"For Hogwarts, our Champion is...Draco Malfoy!" An aborted round of applause then angry mutters of 'Cheater!' 'Daddy bought his way in!' were heard. Draco's face was ghostly pale as he shakily stood and tottered his way into the antechamber.

Just as Albus was ready to close out the ceremony, the Goblet burned bright once more and shot out a fourth slip. Hoping against hope that this night would end like he wanted it to, Albus cleared his throat and read, "For Ilvermorny, their Champion is...Ronald Weasley!"

Albus let his hand fall to his side and groaned in dismay.

***

Down at the Gryffindor table, Harry and Hermione shared a victorious grin. Their Switching Charm ward worked perfectly. 

Let the Games begin.

The Potters supposedly had elves, right; and elves are supposed to protect their Masters and Mistresses from attackers? Then where were the Potter elves during Halloween of 1981?

Anyone of them could've easily disabled and bound up Voldemort before he could take a breath to say the dreaded curse.

Could Albus have installed elf-repelling wards on the sly to keep them away from the cottage thereby weakening James and Lily's chances for survival?

What if it just didn't work? What if the Potter elves fought back?

***

Kip knew something was wrong with Master James. There was no reason for him to restrict the elves to the Manor. Heck, there was no reason for the Family to be kept away from the Manor, in his opinion! The wards surrounding the ancestral lands rivaled those surrounding Hogwarts.

Still, he put on an outwardly obedient attitude when in the presence of his masters and shooed James out the door, "Yes, Master James. The elves know to stay hidden. You worry too much. Go have fun with Mistress Lily and Young Master Harry." James laughed and apparated away.

Kip turned to the others, "We have work to do. I don't trust the old whiskered man. He plots too much. Tiny, go to the cottage and set up a elf-dispersal ward so it makes the wizard wards think they're working." Tiny nodded and popped away. "In the meantime, I want everyone to prepare to move our family at a moment's notice. That means long-term hiding from the old whiskered man. Jelly, contact the Goblins; request identity packets for at least four different countries. Twins? (Tip and Top stood straighter) I want the both of you to gather educational materials, including toys, from the muggle world. Master James and Young Master Harry are going to need it."

Orders given, the elves got busy with their tasks.

***

Halloween 1981, thanks to the efforts of the Potter elves, circumstances that would've resulted in the deaths of the adult Potters, and the isolation of their son, were altered and changed the very face the war. Kip, Tiny, and Jelly stood hidden in the shadows of the cottage. When the door was blasted in, and the Dark Lord stepped through, James and Lily sprung into action. Lily grabbed Harry and raced up the stairs. James fought valiantly but was struck down. After Voldemort went up the stairs, there were shouts and pleading heard before a cataclysmic explosion ripped through the upper floor.

After the rumbling ceased, there was only silence before, "Alright everyone! Stand down, the scene and Dark Lord have been secured." Kip appeared at the landing with a stunned and bound Dark Lord floating behind him. "James" faded from view revealing itself to be nothing more than a plush toy. Upstairs, both "Lily" and "Harry" would be doing the same.

Kip motioned to Jelly, "Go to the Longbottom elves. Tell them to be ready repel invaders. The Dark Lord's minions will no doubt be causing trouble when they learn of his downfall." Jelly acknowledged and popped away.

"Kip?" He turned to see Tiny examining the bound Dark Lord. "What're you going to do with him?"

Kip rubbed his chin, "I had originally planned on letting Master James decide, but I think he would just run to the old whiskered man out of habit."

"How about sending him to the Shadowed Lands?"

Kip cocked his head, "Can humans pass into that realm?"

Tiny snapped his fingers, "I've got it, the Black elves know of a cavern from the ancient days. Wizards go in, muggles come out." A shark-like grin formed on Kip's face as he thought about the delicious irony.

***

Tom Riddle aka the Dark Lord Voldemort groaned as he sat up and wondered where he was. He flexed his arms and neck trying to relieve the aches and pains acquired from...wait, what was he doing? Come to think of it, where was he?

He wandered around the dense undergrowth of what appeared to be a tropical setting before stumbling upon a wall topped with barbed wire. There was a shout from above and he knew no more.

An armored man stepped through a previously hidden door and nudged the insensate form at his feet, "Curious, how the Hell did you get out?" He called from orderlies to drag Tom back inside. As the group passed, Tom's eyes fluttered open briefly for his mind to latch onto some words: "Welcome to Devil's Island Penitentiary." (In this prompt, the prison is still open.)

5th year and Umbridge has successfully run Albus out of the castle and declared herself Headmistress. Minerva was about ready to launch a Scottish fit until she caught the gleam in Hermione's eyes. "Miss Granger?"

Hermione's grin turned wider and it became patently clear as to why the Weasley Twins never pranked her, "Professor, didn't you once say that a large percentage of your work was dealing with the stuff that Professor Dumbledore dumped on you? Well, now it seems to as good a time as any to return that work to our new Headmistress."

With a dawning realization, Minerva soon too had a cat who caught the canary grin of her own.

***

Dolores was still in a huff over not being granted access to the Headmaster's office until it was pointed out that the room had only been such since Dippet; prior to that it was just an ordinary storeroom. In the meantime, the Toad found herself practically swamped with correspondence from other schools, supply requistions from the staff, elves, and the farms and ranches that supplied food and materials to the school. The piles of forms, letters, and more were taller than some of the bookcases.

When she complained, Minerva calmly explained that this was nothing out of the ordinary of what Albus had to do as part of his Headmastership. "Honestly, Dolores; did it not ever occur to you why Albus was only seen at mealtimes? You wanted the position, you'll get everything that comes with the title. Being the Head doesn't mean you get to install draconian discipline rules, that has ALWAYS been the remit of the Deputy, namely me... Enjoy your new position!"

5th year Harry and Hermione arrive in the Slytherin carriage of the Hogwarts Express carrying several boxes. Harry thumped his down on a table, "For the past couple of weeks, I've been saying over and over again that Voldemort is back (several Slytherins flinched at the name) and yet no one has believed me. Well, I have proof I will be sharing. It's all here in these boxes, feel free to go through them after we leave."
With that he and Hermione turned and left.

***

Several weeks later, as Umbridge was making her rounds, she spotted Draco wearing a most unusual shirt. It looked like an ordinary T-shirt but had a picture on the front. "Mr. Malfoy? What are you wearing?"

Draco grinned beatifically, "He's back professor! The Dark Lord is back...Back in black, I hit the sack; I've been too long, I'm glad to be back. Yes, I'm let loose, From the noose; That's kept me hanging about!
I've been looking at the sky, 'Cause it's gettin' me high. Forget the hearse 'cause I never die! I got nine lives, Cat's eyes,
Abusin' every one of them and running wild!" 
His words trailed off as he stumbled away.

Concerned, Dolores hurried down to the Slytherin common and pulled up short when she entered. Nearly everyone was wearing the same shirt as Draco and lazily draped on the chairs or couches, some were sprawled out on the floor!

"What is going on here?!" She screeched.

"Gifts from the Dark Lord. Long may he riff that guitar!"

Dolores started swelling up like her hated namesake over the totally unhelpful answers.

"Hey, Don't worry about it, professor!" 7th year prefect Graham Montague drawled as he slipped a pair of headphones on Dolores, "We got plenty for what ails you."

***

Up in Gryffindor Tower, Hermione was busily attempting to blend her face to Harry's by snogging him into oblivion. "Oh, Harry," she purred happily, "Your idea of the Power of Music to control the minds of the Dark Contingent? Genius..."

"and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have Power the Dark Lord knows not..."

5th year; near the Great Hall

Dolores Umbridge was just finishing her self-appointed rounds of administering what she felt were good rules of conduct on the miscreant student body when she heard the sounds of dozen of children chanting, "Potter! Potter! Potter!"

Waddling as fast as she could, she burst into the Hall and spotted a crowd lining either side of the room's fireplace. Marked out on the floor were stripes with numbers 5, 10, 15, and so on out to 50. Also placed within this strange arrangement were various objects. As she watched, the fire flared green and a helmeted Harry shot out of the floo tumbling end over end before coming to a rest at the 40 line mark.

The crowd cheered, several students were seen measuring and checking things off a list while a couple were checking on Harry.

Dolores was about ready to start issuing detentions when she was interrupted by Professor Snape of all people, "Don't bother, Madam Umbridge. This event is being supervised by myself."

She waved her hand back towards the chaos, "How can you condone this...this..."

Snape had a smirk teasing the edges of his mouth, "It has long been rumored that Harry Potter cannot use the floo without being shot out a cannon at the exit point. I figured that since I have him serving a detention, I might as well put that theory to the test. His participation is mandatory with the threat that if he does not comply, he will be sent to you."

"And the others?"

Severus shrugged, "Harmless spectatoring; besides, they're all Slytherin purebloods. If they want to turn it into a game with points and prizes; who am I to judge?" He turned to a seventh year prefect, "Montague! Put me down for 50 on the blue vase!"

Combat Magic, Mr. Potter...

Hermione Granger, genius that she is, has figured out how to change the structure of certain complicated charms into runic "quick run" plates.

For example, the Fidelius Charm is supposed to be ridiculously difficult to cast, requiring up to three people to successfully pull it off. One person acts as the caster, one acts as the power, and the third acts as the target. Undeterred, Hermione plowed through the Arithmancy for the charm and discovered that those rules only apply if the charm is to be used for something long-term like a safe house.

Armed with that newfound knowledge, she created a rune plate to setup a temporary effect (no more than an hour.) The plates can be precharged, affixed to something on the fly, and activated remotely.

***

During the Second Blood War, the Death Eaters learned the hard (and painful) way that, if they see her throwing something either ahead or to the sides of her, to stop their pursuit as she had become well-known to Fidelius a building, tree, rocks, or worse while being chased.

Her retaliation got to be so effective that it wasn't uncommon for her to Fidelius the property and airspace around their homes thereby preventing the Death Eaters from being able to floo, Portkey, or apparate home. They knew their homes existed, could see it in their memories; they just couldn't remember where they were.

***

Other examples of her combat magic arsenal was to pirate the signal from the WWN and overlay subliminal messages into the broadcast subtly telling people the truth of the new regime or play a particularly nasty piece of Goblin music ad infinitum. There was one time she let Light-side 'battle plans' fall into enemy hands. In truth, what those plans were, was nothing more than copies of Harry's old classwork assignments. Given how terrible his handwriting was, it was a source of amusement to his friends who'd once commented that his writing could be mistaken for coded messages.

When asked what else she had planned in that cute bushy-haired head of hers, Hermione replied with a toothy grin, "I haven't even begun to dip into what the muggles use. You ain't seen nothing yet. There's a reason why muggles scare the purebloods..."

For whom the bell tolls...

6th year

Ronald Weasley has not now nor has he ever been friends with Harry Potter (despite whatever delusions he may have to the contrary.) The cause of the animosity between the pair was the result of the redhead insulting Hermione one too many times simply because the bushy-haired girl showed an eager interest in learning all she could and routinely "made the rest of us look bad."

***

Ronald spotted Harry and Hermione walking through the corridor near the Astronomy Tower and stepped out to intercept them. "Harry, mate; listen, I need your help with something."

"Shove it, Weasley. You don't deserve anything from me," Harry growled as he went to push past the other boy.

"But you like pranks and I thought of a good one to pull on my mother."

Harry paused long enough to signal to Ron that he might have a shot, "We Weasleys have a clock that shows where each of us are. Home, school, In danger, and more. Each time the hands change position, a chime is heard. I was thinking that if we time it just right, we might be able to play a repetitive tune that would drive her barmy."

Both Harry and Hermione turn an incredulous look at the hopeful boy, "Ronald, I must say that I'm impressed with you," Ron began to look even more hopeful. "It's incredibly impressive that you not only came up with this idiotic, ill-thought out plan on your own but that you thought that I would ever go along with it. Why don't you crawl back to that pigpen side of the dorm and lay down for a while since you must have strained your last remaining brain cells."

With that, both Harry and Hermione turned to walk away. Ron however, was fuming. He pulled his wand and tried to cast...well, something, in retaliation for being embarrassed in public (despite the fact that there was no one else around other than some portraits.) He saw the spell fly wide and impact Hermione. The last thing Ron saw before his world went dark, was the look of pure fury on Harry's face.

***

Ron woke up later and found himself tied to a stake in a remote corner of one of the more dangerous greenhouses. He tried to fight his way free but was unable to move. He tried to yell for attention but soon realized he'd been silenced. The sweat started to bead up on his brow at the crushing silence in the room before he began to hear a scritching sound coming from above and behind.

He managed to turn his head around far enough to see a veritable horde of spiders crawling in from the outside. Screaming in vain, he tried his damndest to get away. As the spiders crept ever closer, Ron's panicking mind detected the sounds of a bell chiming in a distinct manner, "All around the Potter's house,
The monkey chased the people.
And after them in double haste,
Pop! Goes the weasel."

***

(Optional: Harry potions Ron with a Nightmare Draught to make him think there're spiders coming for him then releases him in the morning covered in snot and bodily fluids none the worse for wear and hopefully having learned a lesson.)

The Heir of Slytherin, A Force of Nature...

Set during 2nd year

Harry sat on a gilded chair that the Hogwarts elves had scrounged from who knew where, his best friend Hermione Granger standing by his side, with Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape silenced and tied to a pillar. Harry imperiously surveyed all of the children and staff gathered before him. “Seeing as how you all seem to have set in your minds that I am the Heir of Slytherin and since records show that it was Slytherin who owned the castle, that makes me the new owner; I have some edicts to issue.” He pulled out and held up a list of items from his pocket. “Let me preface this by saying that all those who were born in the magical world, your behavior and treatment of those who weren't is absolutely appalling. First, and foremost, no one is allowed to use the terms ‘muggleborn,’ ‘mudblood,’ or ‘squib.’ Instead, you will use the term ‘Newblood’ for those coming in from the non-magical world. As for Squib, it's a swear word that I do not favor. You will cease using it. Next, elves are not slaves nor should we treat them as such. Anyone caught mistreating any elf, even if it's one of your own, shall incur my wrath.”

He glared at a few people, Ronald Weasley, Draco Malfoy and Snape in particular, “It has long been rumored that the Heir of Slytherin would come back and purge the unworthy from the halls of Hogwarts. For some, this means the muggleborn. To me, it means those who do not cherish life, learning, and growth. It is my hope that by sharing with you all this list of items I and few others have come up, you will have proper guidelines to model your behavior in regards to yourself and those around you. Magic is a gift, it would not do you any good to have it taken away.”

“The List” as it became known covered a wide range of topics for everyday life and magic in general. The List wasn't just contained to Hogwarts. Copies of it were sent out to the Daily Prophet to be published for dissemination. Everything from counseling on customs and etiquette for the incoming Newbloods, shopping, money management, interacting with other species, recognizing that some people had unique gifts (Luna Lovegood), basically everything that could revitalize a stagnant society.

Anyone caught breaking the rules were given three chances. The first chance, they were issued a verbal warning, the second chance came in the form of their magic twinging (like a mild heart attack,) the final chance saw their magic being bound. They wouldn't obliviated of magic so the violator could hopefully learn from their mistakes as they tried to rebuild their lives as non-magical people. The Ministry's  Muggle Liaison Office was eventually revamped and restaffed  to handle the uptick of newly created obstinate non-magicals. 

Albus lasted a mere week before he lost his magic. Severus used two chances before he finally learned. After Albus lost his magic, Severus immediately quit and left, never to be seen or heard from again. Ronald Weasley used two chances and got a Howler from his mother. Unable to restrain himself, his parents ended up pulling him from the school. Surprisingly, Draco Malfoy only needed one warning before he learned to keep his mouth shut. At the Ministry, dozens lost their magic inside of a week. The most vocal was an ugly witch in a hideous pink cardigan.

(Author’s choice on what to expand upon within The List.)

Valhalla,  I have come

Set during the Battle of Hogwarts
Main character: Neville Longbottom & Luna Lovegood 

Harry had just given him the order to hold the castle. It seemed like an impossible task as Neville’s fingers trembled. Luna had found him a moment later, a strange glint in her eyes, “Do you remember, Neville? Do you feel it?”

“What are you talking about?” He stared at her in confusion.

“You are Neville of Longbottom. Heir to a long line of Viking warriors. Can you hear their Song?” She laid a hand over his heart and his head and whispered something in a strange otherworldly language. The distant sound of an oddly familiar music began playing in his ears, drawing closer and gaining strength. “Ask, Neville. The Room will provide.”

(Cue a magical transformation from mild-mannered student to something akin to Thor, God of Thunder. Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” roaring in his ears.) 

Eyes blazing, lightning crackling at his fingertips, his enemies falling to his blades as Lord Neville of Longbottom steps out onto the battlefield. 

***

Luna watched with eyes as black as the Endless Void, “Now it is time to show the Death Eaters and my tormentors what I See...”

She began chanting an ancient language, one forgotten by the world except for those with the Sight. The words were wet and earthy, spoken by those who defied explanation. Those that instilled terror in even the most hardy of adventurers. Those that made Dementors look tame and cuddly. “Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.”

She felt its presence more than she saw it, “Inform the others. Take only those with Darkness in their hearts. Allow them to See what I See.”

As Luna strode through the corridors with her face marred by soot and blood, her hair danced in the breeze caused by the battles, her eyes were glowing an eerie silver, and a wicked shark-like grin split her face.

Chapter Text

4th year, after the Selection Ceremony back in the Gryffindor dorms.

Ron glared at Harry, "So how did you do it? How did you enter your name?"

Harry massaged the bridge of his nose and grumbled, "I didn't enter my name."

Ron harrumphed, "Yeah, right. You'd think you would tell your best friend how you did it."

Harry laid a hand on Ron's shoulder and stared at him straight in the eye, "If you must know, I tried to enter you into the Goblet but rather than reading the name, it read the magical signature instead. I wanted you to have the spotlight for a change."

Ron sat there flummoxed, "Really?"

"God's honest truth, Ron. I'm sorry that it was my name that was called. I guess it was a security thing to keep potential assassins from doing what I tried to."

***

When Harry told Hermione what happened the next morning, she gave him a perplexed look. "Why would you say something like that?"

"Preemptive measures. If I hadn't, I would've been forced to stay constantly paranoid he'd try to do something stupid or nasty. Now that he thinks I'm being punished for trying to be the friend he thinks I am; hopefully I can sleep in peace."

Hermione stared at him with half-lidded eyes and spoke in a breathy tone, "You...are SUCH a wonderful person."

Harry's eyes twinkled, "Let's see what you think when Ron gets the Howler from his mother in response to the letter I sent her outlining "our" plans to get into the competition and how if one of us did get in, we'd split the winnings."

Dawning realization swept over her face, "An extremely dangerous competition designed for of-age students yet you got in because Ronald dared you to? I wouldn't be surprised if she decided to forgo the Howler and come up to deliver her loud message in person." Hermione's eyes dilated with lust, "You are an evil, wicked boy Harry James Potter. You know what this sort of planning and sneakery does to me."

Harry wrapped his arms around her waist and gave her a gentle kiss on her nose, "You inspired me with all of the subtle ways you put those arrogant purebloods in their place."

7th year, aka The Hunt.

While in the Ministry looking for the locket, Hermione discovers and steals a couple of Dementor control medallions.

Later, she explains her idea to Harry. "It's simple; the Death Eaters, with the exception of Snape, cannot cast a Patronus. Therefore, they shouldn't have any defense against these vile creatures; especially if we send them late at night while they're asleep."

Harry stared in shock at his best friend long enough to start her worrying, "Harry? Was it too much?"

To his credit, Harry just slowly shook his head before giving her a kiss, "No, I'm just stunned that I never thought of that idea myself. Fighting fire with fire, or in this case, fighting fear with fear."

***

By month's end, several Dark pureblood family lines came to an abrupt end. Malfoy, Nott, Crabbe, Carrow, and more; all gone. The looks of complete fright permanently fixed on their faces.When Voldemort made his attack on Hogwarts, his "great army" had been tremendously reduced by two-thirds its original strength.

With such a reduced state, Voldemort was quickly routed and destroyed. 

Harry's a parselmouth, everyone knows that. Hermione's a genius at creating spells and charms, everyone knows that too.

So after Lavender approaches Hermione during 6th year and presented her with an unusual request to replicate the vibration from a parselmouth's tongue (Lavender is in a lesbian relationship with Parvati); the sparks fly, after all what good researcher wouldn't want to compare qualities between the magically induced and the real deal? 

It's purely for scientific purposes of course...

***

During her research, Hermione discovers that a parselmouth's tongue vibrates at a specific frequency which is what causes so many to shiver; not from fear, but from a sonically induced stimulation of the recipient's pleasure center. As a prank, Harry taps into the school's PA system and late one evening, whispers in Parseltongue, random passages from Hogwarts, A History. The number of people who have "happy endings" by the time he's done is staggering. (Harry's relieved to learn later, that this reaction only occurs in students who have achieved teenage-hood.)

They also learn that the Parseltongue's poor reputation came from a mistake in tonal inflection. There's a big difference between yelling angrily, "You're an evil, wicked boy!" and a seductive, "You're an evil, wicked boy!"

By the time they're done, everyone will know that being a Parselmouth isn't such a bad thing!

Vibrate tongue = volvebatur lingua

In the dictionary under "Gullible," it says, "See the British Magical Society..."

Knowing that the magical community of Britain were utterly clueless to the wider non-magical world, Harry and Hermione along with some of their muggleborn friends and classmates put together a "Wonders of the Muggle World Exposition." They demonstrate all manner of allegedly incredible objects like pens in a wide range of colors, Trapper-keeper folders, lined notebook paper, and battery-powered lamps and clocks. In addition, they demonstrate novelty items like slap bracelets, lava lamps, Skip-its, Clackers, Troll dolls, Magna-doodles, Polly Pockets, Rubic's Cubes, the Drinking Bird toy, and so much more. One thing that they stress is that everything shown is rare and not easily obtained. They also stress that if the average witch or wizard does come across them in the muggle world, they would have to special licenses to be able to purchase the product. 

When asked how to obtain these licenses, Harry and the others reply that the public would have to send an owl to the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office care of Arthur Weasley who would then have to get permission from the Minister of Magic who would in turn petition the muggle government. (Hermione had insisted beforehand that the process be as convoluted as possible.) Harry reminded everyone that the whole process took upwards of 3 to 4 weeks so they'd best hurry now before the waiting list got too long.

***

Chaos ensues as the Ministry is flooded with owls armed with anxious requests for (non-existant) licenses. In the meantime, Harry and the other muggleborns are now viewed as wealthy and potentially powerful political players by the magically-raised as those who can "hook us up with rare goodies" for the right price.

5th year

Hermione's figured out a way for Harry to torture Voldemort through their mutual link for a change. Using what she's learned about Legilimency and Occlumency, she implants a series of memories that are directly linked to the connection and are only triggered when Voldemort's magic is detected.

What are these super-powered memories? They are full length, sappy AF 'chick flick' movies. The best part of Hermione's manipulations? Once Voldemort's in, he cannot extract himself until the movie is over. As a final bit, Hermione rigs the enchantments so Harry doesn't feel a thing. Most of the time he's not even aware of the intrusion.

As a result, Harry never gets the false vision of Sirius captured and tortured in the Ministry and is able to focus his energy on both being a good boyfriend and helping expel Umbridge from the castle.

Meanwhile, Snape has started reporting that the Dark Lord has been sending his minions out to stock up his lair with tissues, popcorn, and ice cream.

There was something wrong with Hermione part way through third year. She was found sitting in the library dreamily staring off into space. Whenever she was asked a question, she gave nonsensical answers or just gurgled deliriously. She was eventually transferred to the infirmary for her safety.

Minerva cornered Harry before he left Transfiguration, "Mr. Potter, what do you know of Miss Granger's condition? The pair of you are normally inseparable."

Harry's blush was telling, "Umm..."

"Mr. Potter, if you know something."

Harry finally broke down, "I'm sorry! I had no idea it was possible. Hermione should be fine in a little while, the weekend at the latest."

Minerva leveled a glare at him, "What did you do?"

Harry sighed heavily, "We were experimenting with our first kisses. I jokingly said I wanted to see if it was possible to steal her intelligence for a moment so I snogged her stupid."

Minerva blinked like her namesake, "You what?"

"I snogged her stupid, professor. I put all my magic behind the kiss and let her have it. I didn't know that it would actually work!"

As he left, Minerva shook her head derisively at the very idea, "Teenagers...”

By the end of 3rd year, Harry has created an audio database of nearly everyone within the castle. During the summer before school that year, he stopped in to the Ministry to get samples from various people like the Minister, his Senior Undersecretary, the Director of the DMLE, and surprisingly even got a sample from the Director of the DoM!

When asked why he was doing this, he replied that he was working on creating a simulation for his Charms and Potions classes with a lead towards an Enchanting OWL.

***

When the Second Blood War broke out, confusion reigned supreme on both sides due to several key people (Fudge, Lucius Malfoy, Albus Dumbledore) going on-air to state the truth about the events that occurred at the end of the TWT.

What was troubling was that none of the aforementioned people were in the country. An investigation was mounted by the DMLE, but they couldn't find the culprit.

***

Hermione leant back in her chair as she calmly watched Harry mix up another batch of his Voice Mimic Candies. "So who are you going to impersonate this time, Harry?"

Harry's eyes twinkled as he replied, "I was thinking of impersonating Voldemort himself. Maybe have "him" whine and complain about how thanks to the efforts of Dumbledore's dumbing down of the Hogwarts curriculum, it's become extremely difficult to find good minions.”

Hermione pranks Hogwarts by covering the floors with reusable bubble wrap then disillusions it. Next, she sets up a Fidelius on the Quidditch pitch. After that, she figures out how to change the security features to each House Guardian. To get the correct password, the students and staff have to answer a question about cryptomagizoology set by Luna Lovegood. Her final act is rigging the bench seating in the Great Hall to scream in fright every time someone sits down. Harry thinks it's hilarious, the Weasley Twins are mystified how she pulled it off, and the rest of the school doesn't know what the heck is going on. Severus wants to take points off but he can't identify the culprit.

Meanwhile, Minerva's in her office getting drunk. "Why is it always my House that gets the pranksters?!”

Summer of 5th year at Grimmauld Place

Harry's been working on a project since 3rd year to see if it's possible to translate animal languages into English and vice-versa. So far, he's gotten the basics down for Troll, Cornish Pixie, and now finally Werewolf.

"Transferendum lupinotuum in anglicus," Harry intoned as he tapped his wand against his ear. He then played a recording of a pair of wolves yapping, snarling, and barking at each other..

"There's an intruder." "I see it, you moron! I'm not blind." "Oh, shut up and look menacing."

Laughing to himself at the translations, he diligently worked to reverse the charm so it'd translate English into Werewolf.

***

She-who-must-not-be-named Tonks entered Harry's room to find the source of the weird sounds of barking. She spotted him casting a charm then running a diagnostic on it. "Wotcher, Harry. Whatcha up to?"

Harry glanced behind him, "Oh, hey Tonks. It's a project I've been working on. I wanted to see if it's possible to translate an animal language into English and back again. So far, it's working and I plan on testing it further when Moony comes back from wherever he is."

Nodding sagely, she silently pats him on the shoulder and leaves him to it.

***

That evening at dinner, Harry decided that now would be a good time as any to test out his translation charm. Hermione was watching, curious as to what he was doing. She leant over, "Is this that thing you've been working since third year?"

Harry nodded and brushed his hair out of eyes, "You want to see if Moony understands even if he's not transformed?"

A light started twinkling in her eyes, "Yes, what are you going to say?"

Harry tapped both his ears and mouth and cast, "Transferendum anglicus in lupinotuum. Moony is a moody Monkeybutt."

Remus sighed heavily and glared at Sirius, "I am not, and I thought we settled that."

Sirius was perplexed, "What are you talking about?"

"Were you not the one who just now said I was a moody Monkeybutt?"

At the eruption of snorts and giggles from both Harry and Hermione, Remus glanced briefly at Sirius suspiciously before turning his gaze towards the sniggering teen, "Harry? Care to share with the class?"

Harry just broke down in a gale of laughter.

***

Later during the summer, when Molly was riding herd on everyone around her, Harry made a couple of disparaging comments in lupinotuum which Remus admonished him for. Then when the romance between him and Tonks took off, Hermione teased Remus by howling in lupinotuum. 

"AH-WOOOO!!"

Remus yelled down from the library, "I am not whipped, Sirius!"

In the parlor, Sirius merely rolled his eyes, "One of these days, he's going to realize it's not me."

Harry patted him on the shoulder consolingly, "But in the meantime, it's funny as all Hell.”

A month before second year, Harry was relaxing in his room reading his textbooks and idly twirling his wand when there was a popping noise near his window. Dragging his eyes away from his reading, he spotted a bedraggled little creature that resembled a scrawny Yoda wearing a filthy pillowcase.

"Harry Potter, sir," the creature squeaked when it realized that it had been seen.

Harry sat up, "Hello, who are you?"

"Dobby, sir. Dobby the House-elf."

Harry looked Dobby over, "Was there something you needed, Dobby?"

Dobby looked pained as if in the midst of a personal battle, "Dobby has come to warn Harry Potter not to go back to Hogwarts! There are terrible plots this year."

"Oh, for the love of..." Both Harry and Dobby turned at the voice from the doorway where Petunia stood, annoyed derision plain on her face. "There's ALWAYS a plot or problem going on in that nut house. What is it this time? Is someone planning on bringing in some enchanted doo-hickey or wildly dangerous animal that'll kill with a single glance?"

Harry couldn't help but laugh at his aunt dramatic drawl. Dobby stared utterly flabbergasted at her, his mouth hanging slackjawed. 

"Dobby, I remember what Lily told me about house-elves. You cannot go against your master's orders to tell another person, right? (Dobby dumbly nodded) Given your appearance, your master must serve the Dark, right? (Again, Dobby nodded) Fine, go to Gringotts and speak with the Potter Family Account Manager. We both know that wizards, especially those who serve the Dark, don't consider the Goblins to be people."

"Why tell him and not me, Aunt Petunia?" Harry asked her.

"You're only twelve. There's very little you can actually do whereas your account manager is an adult; he can be told the whole plot without Dobby here running afoul of the restrictions placed on him and won't have to think of ways to pass along his message that will leave the possibility of getting someone hurt or killed."

"Oh, I didn't think of that."

"Oh, and Dobby? Did you steal Harry's mail?"

Dobby stood there in shock before shaking himself, "Dobby was sure that if Harry Potter didn't get any letters from his friends, he wouldn't want to go back." 

Harry snorted at that, "Dobby, the only people I write letters to are the few from the magical world. The rest I call on the telephone. Even if I suddenly stopped answering my mail, those magical friends know to reach out to my muggleborn friends who then call to find out what's going on."

Dobby heaved a great sigh, "Harry Potter truly is a great wizard if he can do all that." He handed over a stack of stolen mail before disappearing with a crack of noise.

Harry glanced at his aunt who shook her head derisively, "Magical people or creatures, not enough brains in their heads. Come on, Uncle Vernon brought pizza home.”

1st year 

Tired of Ron's chainsaw snoring, Harry decides that he's going to find a silencing charm. The next day in the library, he starts searching the stacks. As he returned to his spot, he discovered that someone has left a book on the table open to a specific page. He sat down and began to read. 'Looks like someone knows of my problem and wants to help,' he thought as the solution presented itself. The wand movement appeared simple enough so he started practicing. 

That evening, Harry's once again woken out of his needed rest by the forest-felling grinding that is emanating from Ron's bed. Determined to finally put an end to his nightly torment; Harry climbed out of bed, grabbed his wand, and crept over to his offending roommate.

An encompassing circle followed by a short, sharp jab with the spell, "Perpetuum tacet!" left Ron blissfully silent.

***

Early the next morning, Harry was shaken awake by a frantic Ron who kept pointing at his mouth but not making any sound. Harry scrubbed his face in annoyance, "Yes, Ron. It is morning and you're hungry. I get it, why dont you head down to the Great Hall while I go back to bed?" He flopped back and drew the covers over his head.

Later, he along with the rest of Gryffindor were wondering about the rumor that Ronald Weasley had been shipped off to Saint Mungo's for an emergency. 

Hermione slipped onto the bench next to Harry, "Do you have any clue as to why Ronald left us?"

Harry blushed a bit, "I think so...but I really don't want to get into trouble."

A single eyebrow rose in silent question as she stared expectantly before he caved.

"I may or may not have spelled Ron silently last night to get him to stop snoring."

Hermione shook her head and sighed, "Harryyy..."

Harry looked a bit panicked, "You won't say anything will you?"

With a knowing glint in her eyes, "I will be perpetuum tacet on this.”

(Perpetuum tacet = Permanently silent)

JAET... (Grey Harmony)

What if instead of stunners or tickling hexes that Dumbledore stupidly limited his minions to, Harry and Hermione plus all of the other newer generation fighters started using switching spells on the Death Eaters' limbs or even their brains? 

***

In the middle of a pitched battle, there were sick, squelchy sounds as the enemy's brains were swapped out with rocks and debris. Dumbledore looked on in horror as Harry led the charge. He struggled from where Hermione had stuck him to the wall and silenced him. "If you're not here to help, you are just cannon fodder."

Albus struggled in vain, 'It wasn't supposed to go like this! Those Death Eaters were supposed to be redeemed not slaughtered!'

***

When the last body of the Dark fell, Harry turned his hardened green eyes onto Albus, "You set us up, Albus. If we had followed your stupidity blindly, we'd all be dead. From now on, the Order is going to follow new leadership. You, however, will be still around to reflect on your failures. Neville? He's all yours."

Neville had an unholy glint in his eyes as he cast a stunner at Albus. "I have just the spot in my greenhouse for him.”

Middle of 5th year, Harry's had enough of the general public's and the Ministry's slander against him.

He gathered all of his friends, plus every single muggleborn regardless of which House they were in, to have a discussion. "This meeting is to decide where we are all going to move to. I vote for the United States. They have a modern society where we can get the education we deserve unfettered by the outdated belief that 'what was good for my ancestors is good enough for me!' War is coming whether we want it to or not, and frankly after all the mistreatment that the muggleborn have received over the years, you can be sure that your families will be targeted."

A tiny, tremulous hand rose as a Hufflepuff firstie stood, "I don't want to leave my family."

Harry smiled warmly at the eleven year old, "I'm not asking you to. I want you to bring them along. You, your parents, whatever siblings you have; we'll be emigrating out of this festering society that seems hellbent on ushering in its own destruction."

Another hand rose, this time by a seventh year, "Who's going to be paying for all this?"

Here, Harry's eyes grew dark and his smile grew wicked, "The magically-raised, of course. They just don't know it yet."

***

You see, prior to the start of Harry's third year, while he was spending the summer in Diagon Alley; he took the time to go to Gringotts and finally have a chat with his account manager. The Goblin was annoyed at first because Harry never replied to any previous correspondence. Harry replied that he never received said correspondence. This led to an investigation and the eventual release and exoneration of Sirius Black whilst giving Dumbledore heartburn and headaches over losing his 'pawn.'

Whilst at the meeting with his Account Manager, Harry had griped about the public's fickle admiration of him: first he's the Darling Savior, the next he's the Heir of Slytherin. "Wouldn't it be great if there was a way to make it hurt for the magically-raised public and the Dark to pay a fee every time they flip-flopped on their opinion of me?"

His Account Manager was intrigued by this idea; so much so that Goblin enchanters actually came up with a way to put that rant into reality. Now, every time that the magically-raised witches and wizards started talking poorly of him (the enchantments were later amended to include all muggleborns as well), their accounts were charged 5 knuts and routed to a special account.

Oh, how the money rolled in...

***

Backed with the funds, and a desire to keep their children safe from a society that would discriminate just because of who they were born to, Magical Britain saw a huge population drop. Not all families followed Harry to the United States of course, some went to Australia or another English-speaking country where they found acceptance and inclusion.

***

When Voldemort finally stepped out from the shadows in the Ministry to take the prophecy away from Harry, he was surprised that the boy calmly walked into the Atrium closely followed by Lucius and his other Death Eaters sent to retrieve the orb. The teen then did something unexpected. He tossed the orb over to the snake-faced demon, "You're probably wondering why they're so calm when you no doubt gave them orders to kill me. Well, it seems that these orbs will incapacitate anyone who's not on the 'approved list' regardless if you or I have already picked it off the shelf. Bellatrix is currently staring at all the pretty lights. I've already had a chance to hear it and frankly, I'm not impressed. If you want to rule this cesspit, you're welcome to it. I don't have the training to deal with you right now thanks to the shortsighted idiocy of Albus Dumbledore so any attempts I can make would be futile at best. Albus, the public, and the Ministry have made my life and the ones I care about absolutely miserable. We've had it with this idiotic land of sheep and corruption so we're going to let them suffer for their stupidity. They had their chance to make things right after your first fall back in 1981, and after the treatment I've received since then, I'm not obligated to do anything to pull their bollocks out of the fire."

Voldemort was stunned (and suspicious), "You, the so-called 'Golden Boy' would leave them to their Fate?"

Harry shrugged unconcernedly, "The magically-raised wanted all muggleborns gone from their society. We've given them exactly what they wanted. There are no more muggleborns left in the country. If any more that do show up later, they will be approached by the muggle British government and urged to move away. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Portkey to catch."

With that, Harry turned and left a thoroughly stunned Dark Lord and his minion's behind.

***

Within six months, the magical community within Britain was near the point of economic collapse. Without the muggleborn there to pick up the costs; whether paying for substandard equipment, excessive fees to attend Hogwarts, or to handle all of the menial tasks the purebloods didn't want to deal with and the sort of jobs that elves couldn't do; Magical Britain was on its knees. 

And ruling over all of those problems was Lord Voldemort who had belatedly realized that power over a festering garbage heap was not the power worth having.

***

During the exodus, Albus tried many times to get Harry back under his control. First was declaring that as Harry's so-called 'Magical Guardian,' he would not allow this foolishness to continue. That lasted for all of five minutes most of which consisted of Harry laughing his arse off and reminding him that by participating in the Tri-wizard Tournament, he'd been declared as an adult and therefore no longer had to abide by anything Albus didn't approve of. Next, Albus tried to regain control through his sycophants (Molly being the worst offender) or from hidden portkeys and compulsions in his letters to the teen. Hermione finally had enough of the old goat's manipulations (the aging headmaster had included her in one too many hare-brained schemes to control Harry), so she erected a 'Knowledge Fidelius' around Harry thereby erasing him the minds of anyone not on the 'approved list.' (All Harry had to do to 'buzz them in' was to introduce himself.)

***

Years later, Harry sat on a lounge chair on his balcony overlooking the Malibu coast in Southern California sipping on a chilled glass of Butterbeer. He glanced over to where his two kids, James Sirius and Lily Remi, were gearing up to go boogie-boarding in a few minutes. His wife, Hermione sauntered out of the house and settled in his lap. She saw the introspective expression on his face, "What's wrong?"

Harry smirked, "Absolutely nothing. All is well."

Summer before 7th year, Grimmauld Place. 

Hermione had just entered the dingy foyer after completing her shift of observing the entrance to the Ministry of Magic, when her ears picked up the sound of an argument coming from the living room. She hurried and pulled up short at the sight of Harry, Kreacher, and Dobby sitting around the table playing what appeared to be poker.

"What the heck is going on here?!" She hollered over the bickering.

Kreacher hooked a thumb at Harry, "Nasty half-blood Master cheats at cards."

Harry rebutted in annoyance, "I do not cheat! Besides, it was Dobby's turn to deal." Dobby held his hands up and opened his mouth to argue back.

Utterly perplexed, Hermione whistled sharply to get their attention, "Enough! Why are you playing poker of all things? We need to be preparing to infiltrate the Ministry."

"We don't need to bother, Mione. Kreacher and Dobby have already dealt with getting the locket from Umbridge. Quite brilliantly too, I might add."

"Wha..."

Harry patted the empty chair next to him, "Kreacher's assignment was to locate Mundungus again, stun him, and drop the sneakthief into Umbridge's office with his pockets filled with random items from her office. Dobby in the meantime, located the Toad and relieved her of the locket without her knowing."

"Dirty toadie woman be wearing a lump of cow dung magicked to look like locket!" Dobby interjected proudly.

Harry bobbed his head, "Exactly, with Dung being used as a distraction, if Umbridge discovers the locket is missing; she'll blame him. So now we're free and clear to stage our operations from an actual home instead of traipsing through the countryside."

Hermione could only slowly shake her head as she tried to process the information, "So what happened to the locket?"

Harry looked smug, "I had Dobby pop me and the locket over to the Vesuvius volcano in Italy. We eventually figured out that the locket needed to be opened using Parseltongue, so I spoke to it and before anything could happen; I dropped it into the lava."

Hermione's eyes slid over to Dobby who sat there with a wide grin, "Isn't that a long distance for you to travel?"

Dobby shook his head, his ears flapping, "Dobby can pop anywhere in the world as easily as Harry Potter's Missy can walk through a doorway."

"Where's Ron?"

Harry visage darkened, "He's no longer welcome here."

"Why?"

"I caught him abusing Dobby. The git was trying to force Dobby into giving him some money that was stashed in Sirius' room. When Dobby refused, Ronald started smacking him with a cane. We had words about it and I threw him from the house then changed the permission wards. I will not tolerate anyone abusing elves."

Hermione growled at the redhead's audacity, especially after all the work she put in with S.P.E.W. "And the poker? Why does Kreacher think you cheat?"

Kreacher sneered at Harry, "Kreacher had a heart flush."

Harry snorted and returned the sneer, "I didn't cheat, I bluffed. You fell for it." Their argument resumed in earnest.

Hermione just rolled her eyes and left the Trio to their cards.

Chapter Text

Harry was sitting with Neville one afternoon going over their Herbology homework when a flash of light flared through the window, quickly followed by a thunderclap that reverberated through the castle.

"What was that?!" Neville yelped.

Harry shook his head, "Dunno, thunderstorm maybe?"

***

Hermione appeared twenty minutes later, her hair bushier than normal, her face soot covered, and ecstatic grin on her face. Harry looked her up and down and drawled, "Hermione, you look awfully pleased with yourself. What did you do?"

Hermione puffed up proudly, "Man may have landed on the moon, but this girl has just created rain!" She grandly gestured towards the window where they could see it pouring rain.

Neville whistled lowly, "That's incredible, Hermione! How long will it last before you stop it?" The courtyard below was starting to overflow with water.

Hermione pursed her lips, "Hmmm, you're right. I could've sworn I set the limiter to thirty minutes."

Harry glanced worriedly at Neville before the pair grabbed a puzzled and indignant Hermione and hurried off to find Professor McGonagall.

(A scene that I'd like to see as part of a larger Harmony story; thanks to JBSteele for his help in fleshing this out.)

What if Harry managed to save Cedric in the graveyard? What if Cedric managed to stun Pettigrew and together they killed Babymort? Then after cleaning up the scene, Harry led Cedric to the local pub to get a drink; rightly figuring that if anyone had the right to get sloshed, it was them. 

***

"Cedric! Watch out!" Harry screamed.

"UUMMPhhh... son of a bitch, that hurts," Cedric moaned, where he'd just landed on a bit of broken rock after dodging the evil green spell.

"I have you now...urk!" Peter gasped out as Cedric's return fire slammed into his sternum.

There was a high-pitched yelling from somewhere, and Harry realized his scar had been burning more and more as he faced a certain direction.

"Cedric! It's ... it's him!"

"Him, who?"

Cedric was still a bit behind, which was understandable as someone had just tried to kill him. It wasn't like he had Harry's experience.

"It's Voldemort, in baby form?"

Cedric's jaw was suddenly unhinged.

"You're shittin' me." He took a longer look at the malevolent sprog. "Damn. That's got to be one of the ugliest babies I've ever seen."

"You got that right, and I've seen Dudley's baby pictures," Harry muttered.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Nothing, Cedric. We need to get rid of this..."

"Ugliness beyond all evil?"

Harry considered that, "Works for me. Help me grab that headstone. I'm a bit low on steam."

Cedric looked at Harry, with incredulity sparkling out of every pore, "Are you a wizard or not? Levitate it!"

"Oh... duh. Together, on three."

Together they levitated a rather weighty-looking headstone over Babymort and raised it roughly thirty feet. From the ruckus, this action was not given approval by the evil wizard.

"That looks good! Annnnnnnd, drop!"

The expected result happened with a thump. Even though it was Voldemort, both boys winced at the squelch of suddenly compressed flesh and bones and the sploosh of blood spurting out from underneath.

"Yuck." Cedric grimaced.

"Well, that's done."

"Yeah... say, what are you doing now?"

Harry was transfiguring a plaque that attached itself to Pettigrew's chest which said, "Attn: McGonagall! Rat Animagus! Peter Pettigrew! Use Veritaserum Immediately!"

"Levitate that Cup onto him. It should take him back to Hogwarts."

"Uh... what about us?"

"I know a good place that doesn't ask many questions. I'm personally wanting something cold, smooth, and able to take the edge off after all this. What about you?"

Cedric could see the appeal but had to ask, "You sure this is a good idea?

Harry paused and glanced at his schoolmate whose clothes were dirty and torn, his face sooty, sweaty, and sporting some bruises from the maze, "Probably not."

Cedric laughed at Harry's deadpan response, "Well, alright then."

The tournament and the spectators could wait.

In Rahmota's story "For want of a sister," there's a scene where Dudley tries to beat up Harry but gets the pain and injuries instead.

Of course, I had an idea...

***

Starts 1st year

"I'm telling you, Ron; I can get hit all day long and nothing happens. I mean, I'll feel the impact of your fist but without any of the pain or injury."

Ron shuffled on his feet, unsure about this.

"Tell you what, start simple," Harry encouraged, "Give me a light slap across the face."

Right as Ron's hand impacted Harry's face, two things happened: Professor McGonagall walked in on them, and Ron felt the slap across his own face."

"What are you doing?!" Minerva shrieked.

Ron was still rubbing his cheek in shock so Harry replied, "I was just telling Ron that I am imp...im...imperv...unable to get hurt. My cousin Dudley tried to beat me up but ended up being the one taken to the hospital."

Minerva stood there in surprise, "I dinna ken... Any sort of injury?"

Harry shrugged, "I haven't tested all the ways yet beyond the physical, but yes."

Minerva looked pained as her feline curiosity reared up. She brandished her wand and sent a mild stunner at Harry. To Ron and Harry's surprise, she was the one who slumped to the floor.

The two boys glanced at each other and grinned, "Wicked!"

***

Word got out that Harry Potter was some sort of Impervious Superboy which only fueled the legend that had been building since 1981. All of the students wanted to take a poke at him, even at risk of personal injury. Filius and Minerva oversaw the testing and found that NOTHING anyone tried to do to Harry: be it physically assaulting him, all the way up to using advanced level poisons; had any effect on the target, only to the attacker.

Now, you would think that this newfound ability would cause Harry to have a swelled ego. Ordinarily you'd be correct, except for one thing. Harry always had his best friend Hermione to deliver that needle puncture quick wit to bring him back to reality. 

It was she, who discovered after potion's class one day mid-semester, that there was one "attack" Harry had no defense against. She shyly gave him a kiss on his cheek after he'd intercepted a hex from Draco, sparing her from discomfort and embarrassment. The look of surprise on his face as he gingerly reached up and touched the spot, "I felt that..."

Just a funny bit I thought for a crack story. 

Sirius stepped out of Grimmauld Place to get some air and to give his ears a rest from Molly "Howler" Weasley's latest continuous rants about whatever had set her off. 'She's worse than my mother's portrait!' Sirius mused distractedly. 

So distracted was he, that his feet unthinkingly took him to Diagon Alley where he heard several people shriek, "It's Sirius Black!" "Someone get the Aurors!" "Ladies, he's still got the Kiss on Sight on him!"

Sirius' eyes widened comically as he was pounced on by every witch within arm's distance.

By the time that the Aurors arrived, Sirius was sitting there with a glassy-eyed, vacant expression and unresponsive to external stimulus. 

From Yvette Hobbs (BSL = British Sign Language)

Due to his time in muggle primary, Harry is able to pick up BSL one year thanks to a classmate being hearing impaired.

Fast forward to Dumbledore's funeral. Harry is asked to stand and say a few words about Dumbledore.

When he stands and begins talking about the way Dumbledore just left him on the doorstep of his magic hating relatives, never checking on him, and sending him back to those relatives year after year despite Harry begging to go somewhere else, Harry is hit with a Silencing charm.

Realizing what happened, Harry doesn't fight the charm. Instead, he continues with what he was saying in BSL.

More than a few muggleborn in the crowd are able to read what Harry is signing, and 'helpfully' translates for those nearby...one of those nearby is Rita Skeeter

Harry and Hermione raced into the Forbidden Forest to try and save Sirius from the Dementors near the end of 3rd year after traveling back in time to save Buckbeak and stop Pettigrew from escaping.

Both teens stood at the clearing's edge, hoping that James Potter would show up again like Harry had sworn he did.

"Harry, no one's coming," Hermione whispered sadly.

Just as the Dementor was about to pull down its hood to administer the Kiss, a monstrous claw appeared and yanked the wraith away. The last sound that the demon managed to utter before being consumed was a strangled, "Urk..."

All those present, human or otherwise, turned in the direction of the interloper and tilted their heads up....and up. The monster, and that was the best description anyone could give, defied classification. It was bipedal and towered 20 feet over them, had tentacles for a head, no discernable face or eyes, long muscular arms, clawed hand, and a fang-filled gaping maw in the center of its torso.

Standing nonchalantly in front of the beast as if out for a pleasant evening stroll was 2nd year Ravenclaw Luna Lovegood. "Good evening, everyone. Dementors, you may leave but with a warning. If any of your brothers attempt to approach Harry Potter or Hermione Granger in the future, you will face my wrath. As you can see; my friend here, and the others like him, are not as forgiving as I am."

3rd year up in the Gryffindor girls dorm one evening in mid September 1993

***

"Hermione?" Lavender hesitantly called out.

Slightly annoyed at being interrupted, Hermione pulled her attention away from her book, "Yes?"

"Um, Parvati and I were wondering if you'd like to join us in an experiment in Chams."

Now curious, Hermione tilted her head, "What sort of experiment?"

Lavender pulled out a thick tome and handed it to her, "This is the Pureblood Directory. It contains everything anyone needs to know about the Families in Magical Britain. It's self-updating and has pull-out charts to trace lineages. Our idea was to create a directory for the students of Hogwarts but focus solely on the social and academic aspects, but we don't know enough about spell creation like you do."

At Hermione's puzzled expression, Parvati reminded the bushy-haired girl that half of the enchantments in their dorm were designed by her to help in getting ready for the day. "You did those back when you were a firstie no less, with barely any prior magical education."

Slowly nodding at the reminder, Hermione's mind began sorting through a myriad of possibilities, the shock of being asked to join in on something incredible made her voice hitch slightly, "I'd be honored to help you. Let's see if we can dissect the structure of this directory first."

***

Word got out that Hermione Granger, she of zero interest in all things non-academic, had teamed up with the Gossips of Gryffindor to do something...social. Draco snidely commented that 'it would take a lot more than getting chatty with people to make him believe that she was anything more than an uppity mudblood who refused to stay in her place.'

Similarily, Ronald called her efforts "mental." Harry, on the other hand, thought it was a terrific idea and helped out as often as he could. When pressed why he was being suddenly social, he replied, "I've spent the past two years being either honored or vilified. If more people could see me as being 'Just Harry' after a conversation, I'm all for it."

***

Late one evening around mid-March, the trio of girls plus Harry, sat around the coffee table in their Common room gazing at the culmination of all their hard work. 

The Hogwarts Directory had a glossy cover with the school crest embossed on the front. Inside, Hermione's specially crafted enchantments listed everyone and the accomplishments as well as their failures. By tapping a special rune plate and speaking the name of the person, the book would flip to their page. At the top of the page was the student's name, age, and which House they were in, plus a wizarding photograph. Names and dates of who was seeing who, the number of trips taken to Hogsmeade, marriage proposals or rejections, and so much more were listed. Harry smiled at his photo who gave a drool-inducing grin of its own. He read over the information and nodded his approval, "I think congratulations are in order, ladies. You have achieved the incredible."

Parvati hugged Lavender before saying, "Now the big question before is; do we publish this so there are more copies, or should we permanently secure it in a display in the Main Hallway for everyone to peruse on their own?"

Hermione pursed her lips, "I vote for publication. Imagine being able to walk into a bookshop, see the Directory on the shelves, and say 'I helped create that!'"

***

During the Tyranny of Umbridge, the Directory was even pressed into service as a way of sending secret messages to each other thanks to a password-protected section at the bottom of each person's page where former relationships could leave reviews of said person. Harry and the DA came up with an encryption that used symbols common in the muggle world to substitute for words.

Umbridge and her Inquisitorial Squad never broke the code. Even during the Second Blood War, Voldemort and his forces never caught on that the Light fighters were passing information right under their noses.

5th year, during the Tyranny of Umbridge 

Harry sat at the Gryffindor table with a rather thick tome. Now this wasn't unusual, especially with OWLs approaching at the end of the year, but in this case it was the subject of the book that was unusual. 

As was his wont, Draco sauntered over to hassle Harry about whatever fluttered through the blond teen's mind. He was just about to start off with his usual opening about being a slave to the mudblood when his eyes caught sight of the book Potter was reading. "The Pureblood Directory, Potter? Trying to find someone stupid enough to adopt you?"

Harry didn't respond for a moment, "Actually, Draco; I was looking for information about a specific family but it doesn't seem to be listed here. This book is self-updating, right? (Draco nodded slowly, confusion playing over his face.) Does it also show foreign Pureblood families as well?"

"It should," came the perplexed reply, "Which name were you looking for?"

Harry looked up and gave him a look, "Him." There was no need to explain further; both teens knew whom Harry was referring to. "I can't seem to find his family anywhere here."

Draco frowned as he turned the book around, "That's not possible. The Dark Lord is a Pureblood. Everyone knows that..."

Harry spread his hands out, "I'm just saying, if he isn't what he keeps saying he is, what else might be wrong? Well, when you're done looking, would you please ask around in Slytherin for me? Maybe one of the older students knows."

***

As the year progressed, whispers were heard and questions raised by the students in silver and green about the validity of Lord Voldemort's claim to be the Heir of Slytherin as well as being the one who would usher in the next Golden Age for the Pureblood Supremacy. Those same students brought their concerns home with them over the holidays and spoke with their Heads of Family. After more consideration and discussion, Voldemort began losing followers and patrons. It started off as a mere trickle with the ones leaving being those from unimportant Houses, but by the time that June had rolled around, only the most dedicated (or insane) remained. As Voldemort prepared to make his assault on the Ministry to recover the Prophecy orb, it dawned on him that his fighting force had dwindled from nearly a hundred down to a paltry six.

He tried to look into Potter's mind using the link created by his accidental Horcrux but only found the usual raunchy teenage fantasies that frankly left him feeling ill.

'No matter,' he thought, 'What could go wrong?’

Long Live the Queen and Nicholas Flamel!

Given the fact that Albus was horribly out of touch with the non-magical world, it wasn't surprising that he wouldn't recognize his mentor and his wife in their "disguise."

The Flamels had stopped by the castle to demand their Stone back from Albus when Hermione got a glimpse of the pair as they strode through the halls towards Albus' office. She stood there slackjawed and glassy-eyed in shock that the legendary couple were in fact Queen Elizabeth and her husband Prince Philip!!

Hermione immediately dashed off to share the news to her fellow muggleborns.

***

As the Flamels/Windsors were heading out, both smiled warmly at the sight of dozens of students, (and ghosts) lining the Grand Hallway in their finest uniforms; the seventh years even had their wands drawn in salute.

Harry hobbled forward and bowed before his sovereigns as best he could given his injuries, "Your Majesties; I, Harry James Potter, did my best to protect your Stone from the predations of Lord Voldemort this year. Unfortunately, my Headmaster has told me that your Stone was destroyed in the process whilst I was unconscious."

Queen Elizabeth stopped him there, a thunderous expression on her face, "That miserable... Albus told us that it was he who guarded the Stone, not a child! Accompany us, young lad and tell us what you had to do to protect the Stone, and what sort of traps were in place."

Harry glanced worriedly towards where Hermione was anxiously standing. Prince Philip noticed and waved her over, "Come along my dear, and anyone else who was involved."

Up in his office, Albus was greedily inspecting the famed Philosopher's Stone when he was suddenly encompassed by a strange sense of foreboding. He gazed around the room but shrugged off the feeling. 'Probably nothing to worry about...'

Harry came up with idea, Hermione worked on the charms, and the Twins mass-produced them.

Weasley Wizarding Wheezes is proud to present...the Phoenix Howlers! 

You write your message like normal, push enough magical power into the Volume array to supercharge it, then send it off to your recipient. The difference is that when the message has been delivered and the letter tears itself up, burning itself to ashes; each of those pieces become a brand new Howler! 

The screech of the new letters becomes higher pitch each cycle until your victim is left with painful ringing in their ears and the neighborhood dogs are barking mad.

The only way to end the process is to vanish it. Lighting it on fire has no effect, nor does a finite incantatum.

They were effective tools during the Second Blood War, causing a lot of headaches for the Death Eaters and Ministry personnel. 

1st year, Hogwarts Express heading north

Neville stared at the undersized, scrawny, dirt-stained boy in the cast-off clothes and broken glasses from where he stood outside the carriage compartment. 'Something's not right. He's Harry Potter yet he looks like a homeless kid.'

"Longbottom," a snooty voice called his name. He barely turned, knowing who it was already. 

"Malfoy. Look in there and tell me I'm not imagining things."

Draco peeked inside, "Who's that? Another interloper?"

Neville shook his head, "That's Harry Potter. Something's not right if he's dressing like that."

Draco switched his gaze from the scrawny bespectacled boy to his social circle counterpart, "You think this may be a ploy to make us feel sorry for him or something?"

"No, I'm thinking that whoever raised him, Harry wasn't been taught anything about our world or his heritage."

Draco frowned, "But his magical guardian is rumored to be Dumbledore. Wouldn't he make sure his ward is raised properly?"

Neville spared him a derisive look, "Seriously? You've seen the man and heard him speak. He's always got some scheme going that makes me wonder if his true House was Slytherin."

Draco mused on that, "But if Dumbledore is involved, it's entirely possible that this...image of Harry is intentional. Poor little Harry Potter, forced to live amongst the muggles with a possibly abusive family. I'm bringing him back so he looks upon me as his savior."

Neville squared his shoulders, "I think it's high time we introduced ourselves and make sure Harry meets the right sort."

Draco bobbed his head appreciatively, "I know he'd never follow the teachings of my father, but we can definitely make sure he knows how to present himself amongst the other kids."

Neville agreed, "We can teach him both sides of the political arena. I would imagine he doesn't have very many friends, if any at all."

Draco sneered, "Can you imagine if we got here after Weasley?"

Neville shuddered, "I've heard stories about that family. I think out of all of them, the eldest two are probably the most civilized. Come on, let's introduce ourselves." He knocked on the door then opened it. "Hello, do you mind if we join you?"

The boy nervously waved them in, "Not at all. I'm Harry."

Draco bowed his head slightly, "Hello, Harry. My name is Draco Malfoy. This is Neville Longbottom, and we'd like to be your friends."

(18+ story)

Post war, Grimmauld Place, Sirius lived

"Come on, Harry. Take a shot of Ogden's," Sirius cajoled Harry one evening. 

Harry nervously eyed the amber liquid, "I'm not sure. Last time I tried alcohol, Vernon nearly beat the crap out of me." He hesitantly took a sip and nearly gagged, "Gack! This stuff is horrid!"

Hermione rolled her eyes as she reached for her own glass, "You, are such a lightweight." She slammed back the tumbler, quaffing the whiskey in one go. 

Both Sirius and Harry stared at her. "Um, Hermione? That was Ogden's Finest, you shouldn't have been able to do that," Sirius stammered in awe.

Hermione stared at the empty tumbler and swirled it around in her hands before shrugging, "Meh, I've had worse."

Sirius exchanged a glance at Harry before turning back. "How? Where?"

Hermione leant back in her seat with a smug grin on her face, "The Great Granger Get-together of 1996. I have five relatives in the military, active duty or retired. Two uncles were in the Royal Marines, the other three are in the Navy. This stuff? (She gestured towards the bottle.) My grandmother would sprinkle this stuff on her ironing board."

She crossed her legs and winked at the two stupefied males sitting across from her.

Taking a page from the muggle police when children are involved in accidents or cases of domestic abuse, Harry teams up with the Weasley Twins to create a line of teddy bears that are enchanted to both give off a calming draught scent from the fur and the ability to hug the child back, with the occasional pats to get their attention off the scene around them.

He tries them out the next time he and his partner head out on a case. 

"Hey, hi there," Harry soothed the distraught child from where his mother was being arrested for killing his neighbor, "I wondering if you'd help me. I have another cub here who is need of a hug. Could you do that for me while I talk to your mummy?"

Solemn-eyed, the child slowly reaches for the bear and gives it a big hug. He's surprised when it hugs him back, eliciting a small smile.

Harry left the pair with another officer while he began his interview. About halfway through, he turned and nudged his partner at the sight of the child calmly holding and talking to the bear. His partner gave a small thumbs-up and a smirk, "Good job, Potter.”

(Yvette Hobbs)

Scenario: After Molly sends a Howler to Hermione, Harry calls Sirius on the mirror asking for a favor (Fourth year, just after Halloween) which Sirius happily agrees to do

After taking the required supplies along, and a short conversation, Sirius waits for Mrs. Granger to finish writing, then injects magic into the parchment before tying it to the owl he brought along. After a carefree salute, he goes back to Grimmauld Place.

During an Order meeting, a nondescript owl flies in carrying a red envelope, landing in front of Molly.

"MOLLY WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO REPRIMAND MY DAUGHTER AND CALL HER NAMES! HERMIONE IS NOT YOUR CHILD, AND IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE TO EVEN ATTEMPT TO CORRECT HER! WE ALLOWED HERMIONE TO VISIT YOUR HOME IN THE SUMMER BECAUSE WE THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND KINDNESS FROM THE FAMILY HOSTING HER FOR THOSE FEW DAYS, BUT OBVIOUSLY WE WERE WRONG! REPRIMAND YOUR OWN FAMILY IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO, BUT NEITHER HERMIONE-NOR HARRY-ARE IN ANY WAY RELATED TO YOU. LEAVE MY DAUGHTER AND HER BEST FRIEND ALONE IF ALL YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IS SCREAM ABUSE IN A LETTER WHEN SHE OR HE DOES SOMETHING YOU DON'T AGREE WITH! 

Oh, and Mr. Black, thank you so much for the visit and explaining exactly what happened and what a 'Howler' is to my husband and me, as well as your assistance with it."

After the Howler destroys itself, Sirius looks at Molly, his eyes a cold, flat gray, "That embarrassment and hurt you feel right now? That's exactly how you made my godson's best friend feel when your Howler arrived. He called and told me everything and asked me for a favor: to visit Hermione's mum and help her in sending YOU a Howler so you can finally know exactly how you made others feel every time you send one to someone, KNOWING they'll be publicly embarrassed and humiliated. And you know what, Molly? After hearing about how Hermione spent almost an hour in tears, I was happy to do it."

***

On the mirror later that night:

"It was done?" Harry asked.

"Absolutely, Pup. Took a few minutes to explain exactly what a Howler was to the Grangers, but Molly did get a taste of what she put Hermione through."

"Thank you, Sirius. And thank Mrs. Granger for me as well. Mrs. Weasley thinks just because Hermione and I are friends with her kids that she has the right to tell us what to do. I'm used to it because of Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. But Hermione IN NO WAY deserved the Howler Mrs. Weasley sent."

3rd year, Remus came to teach Defense at Hogwarts. Severus was livid at not only being forced to work alongside one of his old tormentors, but also having to brew the Wolfsbane potion for him.

***

Severus entered Lupin's office with a goblet of the vile-looking liquid, "Lupin, the headmaster has insisted I make your potion."

Remus smiled briefly from where he stood sorting his books onto the shelf, "Thank you for your efforts, Severus but I will not require it any longer."

Severus frowned skeptically, "You found a cure?"

Remus shook his head, "Not as such. I found an alternative to Wolfsbane. I met an American muggleborn chemist in Detroit, Michigan who developed a way for the potion to be made in capsule form and ten times more effective. A simple cup of water, one pill, and I'm set for the full moon."

"What sort of side-effects are there?"

Remus scratched his chin, "Well, on the positive side I'm able retain my human mind, the aches and pains of the transformation are practically nil, and I can open and close doors. Oh, I can also wear clothing without destroying them."

"The negatives?" Severus pressed.

"Increased appetite, lowered drive to do very much. The doctor likened it to being under the influence of Marijuana or other depressants."

"What is this chemist's name? Has he published at all?"

Shrugging, Remus replied, "I'm not sure about the publications but his name is pretty well known over there; a Doctor Milton Kort."

Severus had by now lost his sneer and was genuinely interested, "How did you get involved with him?"

Remus settled into his chair and motioned towards the guest chair to Severus who accepted the invitation, "During my travels, I was working in a factory over there and happened to mention to another were that I was going to need a place to lock myself away. He guessed that based on my English accent, I hadn't heard of the advancements in magical pharmaceuticals. An introduction to the company doctor later, I was enrolled in the company's medical plan for weres, and prescribed my first dose. The first transformation was practically painless, really no worse than the sorts of pain acquired from exercise the morning after."

"Are the pills expensive?"

"Surprisingly, I didn't pay a single knut out of pocket there. It was all covered by the company's insurance policy under the terms of 'Public Health and Safety.' It seems that the Americans view lycanthropy differently than we do. The company doctor took my vitals, ran me through some diagnostic tests including a blood test, and had me fill out a thick stack of forms. As for how much it costs to ship out here, it's just shy over 4 Galleons."

Severus blinked in amazement then tilted his head in contemplation, "Incredible. So your furry problem?"

Remus beamed proudly, "Not such a problem anymore.”

Dudley Dursley is not someone that anyone would normally ascribe the tag of intellectual or insightful, should they ever meet the lad.

It was during the summer before 5th year while Harry was listlessly hanging around the local park, trying to come to grips with Cedric's death when he heard the chatter of his cousin and his gang approaching. "Did you see those Nancies parading around in those dresses, Big D?"

Dudley nodded then briefly paused at the sight of his cousin, "Though if I were a wizard and wanted a place to hang out with like-minded people with whom you could share his sad tale with, the Renaissance Faire at the fairgrounds would be the place to go."

Harry stared at his cousin retreating form in open-mouthed shock, 'Did he just suggest what I think he just said?' He got up and followed the gang back, knowing that whenever Dudley arrived home was when his aunt decreed to be him late and punished.

***

Harry stood there panting heavily after using his Patronus to repel the Dementors. He crept over to Dudley and helped up into a sitting position. "Here, eat this." Harry handed him some leftover chocolate. "It helps."

"What happened?" Dudley croaked.

"Not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if the Ministry had something to do with it," Harry grumbled. He watched Dudley's face for a moment, "Genius idea you had there back at the park. Hanging out at the Renaissance Faire? I never would've thought of that."

Dudley smiled wanly, "Thanks, Harry."

Nodding uncertainly, Harry helped him to his feet, "Come on, I don't fancy being outside if those demons decide to come back."

An owl fluttered down at that moment, a letter attached to its leg. Harry groaned at the sight of it, "Would you please follow us? After the encounter with a pair of Dementors, I want to get back home for safety."

Dudley was confused at his cousin's conversation with the bird, "Do you think it understands?"

Harry gave him a lopsided grin, "It's just like magic, Dudley."

Dudley just groaned and rolled his eyes as he continued lumbering home.

5th year, Umbridge has ordered Vincent Crabbe to keep an eye on Potter.

Harry found out about the instructions thanks to a sympathetic portrait and decided to let his inner Slytherin out. He approached the other teen in the hallway near Charms right before lunch.

"Hey, Crabbe! Listen, you doing anything special for lunch?"

Vincent stared slightly apprehensively at Harry. It wasn't supposed to be like this, "Uh, no?"

Harry smiled warmly, "Then why don't you join me and my friends?"

"Um, okay..."

Harry introduced Vincent to the other Gryffindors as they got settled, "Everyone, this is Vincent Crabbe. For those not aware, the Crabbe Family is an Ancient House with a specialty in metalworking, especially axes and other woodcrafting tools." Greetings were given, as well as Hermione asking for more historical information and drawing Vincent out of his shell-shocked stupor.

***

As the days went on, Harry made sure to include Vincent in nearly all group activities. By the end of the semester, it wasn't uncommon to find the Slytherin teen laughing and joking around with Seamus, Dean, and Harry or sharing gossip about what went on in the "Snake Pit" with Lavender and Parvati. Umbridge was getting annoyed by Vincent's lack of useful information during his reporting of what occurred. She didn't care that Harry worked hard to put together an inter-house study group to make sure everyone passed their OWLs, nor did she care about the "secret knitting club" where everyone learned how to knit security blankets; she wanted something that could at the very least, get Potter and his band of miscreants expelled!

***

"That was a very sneaky thing you did there, Mr. Potter," Hermione purred in his ear after curfew one evening as she cuddled into his side.

Harry gave her a tummy-fluttering smirk, "I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "I'm sure you don't. Suborning Umbridge's mandate to Vincent to keep an eye on you?"

Harry shrugged, "Technically, he has been. Just because he's not skulking in the shadows doesn't mean he's not following her orders. This way we can control what he does see without worrying about him seeing something we want to keep hidden."

Leveling a wiggling finger at his nose, she giggled, "That. That right there, that cunning and sneaky mindset is what I love about you, Harry James. Now, why don't you put those luscious lips to better use and kiss me."

Harry pulled back after a few minutes of caressing her bottom with his talented fingers and making her feel all 'gooshy,' "And what about your own instance of sneakiness? Gifting a 'friendship bracelet' to Vince that makes him think that our DA meetings are nothing more than a knitting club? If that's not the cunning worthy of a Slytherin, I don't know what is."

Eyes dilated lustily and with a wicked grin on her face, she imperiously pointed up towards the boys dorm, "Upstairs, Mr. Potter. Get upstairs before we put on a show for the others. I'm going to demonstrate just how much I appreciate your compliments."

Chapter Text

Voldemort missed his chance (Observation)

Voldemort could've killed both Harry and Albus many times during 1st year in his guise as Quirrellmort yet never took the easy opportunities, Harry especially. Harry had no knowledge of any defensive spells and could've been taken out with a simple diffindo across the neck.

Albus could've been dealt with during a staff meeting or even in the hallways. A couple of pinpoint surgical Lancias (piercing hex) to the heart and problem solved. Both spells could've be done nonverbally too so as to not alert anyone prematurely, leaving Voldemort plenty of time to find the Stone without anyone suspecting or opposing him.

Once the murders were discovered, all attention would be on Albus and Harry.

No, the idiot went the convoluted route and ended up dead, himself.

What if instead of trusting Dumbledore to do the right thing, and seeing how callous he was when he essentially dumped Harry on the doorstep of the Dursleys in the middle of the night on November 1st without even getting the house occupants' attention, Minerva secreted Harry away and handed him over to Frank and Alice Longbottom as per James and Lily's wishes?

***

With Harry safely under their care, Frank and Alice doubled down on the wards around their home and property. No one could get in or out without providing proof of who they were. Any sort of supply requistions would be handled by their elves. Harry would grow up knowing everything he needed to live and grow in the magical world. Frank sent out a message to both Sirius and Remus to get to the pre-set safe house if they ever wanted to see Harry again. This was enough of a threat that it caused Sirius to break off from his hunt of Pettigrew. Because of this change, Sirius never went to Azkaban; though he did get called in to testify about his involvement surrounding the events at Godric's Hollow. A couple of memories and a Veritaserum confession, and Sirius was free of the accusations.

Once things settled, the Longbottoms were able to come out of hiding. They immediately went to Gringotts to have the Potter Will read and get the proper proceedings put in motion, overriding Albus' attempt to control Harry and his political capital.

***

Albus was naturally incandescent that someone dared to circumvent him and disrupt his plan for the Greater Good. Albus tried to push through his forged copy of the Will and get the Wizengamot to appoint him Harry Potter's magical guardian but it was for naught but since it was the official Gringotts copy, there was nothing he could do.

***

Ten years later, Harry and Neville arrive on the magical platform come September 1st, 1991 happy, healthy, and confident; ready to make their mark on the world.

(I'm sure I posted something like this before. Hazards of being so prolific, I guess. This is the improved version on the earlier prompt.)

Wizard staves fell out of favor roughly during the 12th century for the more economical wands.

What if the real reason was because someone figured out how to use them as high-powered rifles?

***

Summer 1993

Dan Granger; former SAS, now doting father and mild-mannered dentist, was poking through his daughter's history book when he came across a reference to a curious use of a wizard's staff. 'This description makes it sound like it was a sniper rifle...' he mused. He went in search of Hermione and asked her if she would like to take a daddy-daughter day to Diagon Alley. 

Hermione beamed, "I'd love to!"

Once in the Alley, Dan had Hermione lead him to Ollivander's wandshop. He began by explaining about what he'd read in her history book about staves and wondered if it was indeed possible to craft a magical sniper rifle.

Ollivander pondered this for a moment, "Anything is possible, sir. The question is, do you have the necessary skill to handle such a weapon?"

Dan commented that he was former SAS and while he might not be able to cast magic, Hermione could and he'd teach her how to defend herself.

***

Flash forward to the Battle of Hogwarts 

Voldemort had just appeared on the battlefield and began attacking indiscriminately, both Light and Dark. Hermione saw him arrive and broke off from her position, apparating away leaving the others in a state of shock. 

Voldemort and Harry were locked in a standoff; Harry had a bloody shark-like grin on his face as he began to recite the wording of the Prophecy that bound him and the demon-man together. Voldemort began taunting Harry about what he would do when he won when his head exploded in a grisly explosion of bone and gore. As Voldemort's spirit rose out of his former body, he stared in incomprehension at Harry who calmly remarked, "The Power He Knows Not, the love of one badass, angry muggleborn named Hermione Jane Granger and a high-powered sniper rifle."

Harry was at his wits end trying to recover the unaltered memory from Professor Slughorn. As a final, desperate play, he brought in the big guns.

"Hermione, I've tried every way I can think of to get the memory! I'm begging you, use the patented ‘Granger Glare of Death' on him so we can solve this puzzle sooner."

Hermione leveled a mild glare at him, "What's in it for me?"

Wrapping his arms around her waist and drawing her in, he breathily responded, "Whatever is in your heart's desire."

Shivering from the way his voice made her skin tingle coupled with the way his luscious green eyes glowed in the candlelight, Hermione agreed to help.

Late-June 1992, Deputy Headmistress office

Minerva leant back in her chair and rubbed the bridge of her nose in frustration. It was that time of the year when Albus put out an advertisement in the paper and the Ministry looking for yet another DADA professor. She frowned at the paltry pile of applicants, and sneered at the one for that fop Gilderoy Lockhart. 'The only way that moron will teach here is if the world is about to end.' She gave Remus Lupin's application another read through and sighed deeply.

'I'm starting to believe that the position IS cursed!' She growled to herself. 'If only that old fool would just admit that he failed to find it and hire outside help. From what Toby has described about some of the hidden treasures up in the storeroomon the seventh floor, Merlin knows we can afford it.'

She pushed back from her desk to take a walk to clear her mind. As she made her way through the hallways, her subconscious kept giving her flashes of a former student, William Weasley, who had trained to become a cursebreaker for Gringotts. As her pace slowed to a halt, she began wondering if she ought to just go over Albus' head and get the job done properly. Narrowing her eyes, she set a determined stride back to her office and her floo.

She had a call to make.

***

End of school staff meeting

Albus internally sighed yet again as his staff gave their reports on their classes and students. Their most recent victim to the DADA Curse, Quirnius Quirrell, was the unfortunate victim of a spectral possession by Voldemort and did not survive his injuries when he confronted young Harry down in the 3rd floor gauntlet. 

It secretly pleased him however, that the boy had risen admirably to the occasion and proved that Lily's protection was still working. 'I think that I will send word to Molly so she can retrieve the boy and bring him to her house, and instil further in young Harry's mind of my benevolence.'

Just as Severus was about to give yet another scathing report on the ineptitude of the Gryffindors, Albus felt a gut-wrenching pain as a particular ward tether was ripped away from him. He let out a low moan and slumped over.

***

When Albus awoke, he found himself chained to one of the beds in the infirmary. Poppy bustled over when she saw he was awake. "Poppy, my dear; why am I chained to the bed?"

Poppy huffed in amusement, "You kept trying to roll out of it, Albus. It was the only way I could get you to stay put."

Albus blushed in embarrassment, "Sorry about that. Any idea what happened to me?"

Poppy pointed to where Minerva was standing with several Unspeakables, William Weasley, the Director of the DMLE, and the Chairman for the Board of Directors, "You're in a lot of trouble, Albus. It seems you were discovered to being the one who set up some illegal wards and power taps. They're in discussion over what to do with you."

Albus paled and struggled weakly against his chains, "No, no...they can't do this to me! I'm the Leader of the Light!"

Minerva led the group over and with his arms chained to the bed, Albus was unprepared to defend himself when she laid a heavy right hook across his jaw, "You! You geal-whiskered Sassensach! The cursebreakers have just completed their scans and dismantled all of your...idiocy! You dared to drain the school to boost your own power? You were the one who set up the Curse to systematically damage the students education. You set up all of those so-called traps for Harry Potter and for what? Some kind of sick, perverse test? We know everything you’ve done here Albus, and it's going to stop! You are NOT Merlin, God, or any other deity you can think of!"

She managed to restrain herself from laying waste to his face despite her inner lioness practically demanding she give him a good thrashing. 

The Chairman leant forward, "As Chairman of the Board, it's my duty to inform you Albus, that your services are no longer required. Ordinarily, we would've given you a chance to explain yourself; but with all of apparent evidence of your egregious crimes, we're just sacking you. Once Madam Pomfrey clears you, you will have one hour to leave the premises. An elf is already packing your personal belongings and will leave them for you at the Main Gate."

DMLE Director Amelia Bones toothily grinned, "Once you're off Hogwarts grounds, your arse is mine Albus. You best hope you don't have anywhere pressing you need to go because if I have my way, I'll see you languishing in a cell in Azkaban."

Minerva was still glaring at him, "Was it all worth it, Albus? Your idiotic adherence to your vaunted Greater Good? I'm going to make it my mission when not rebuilding this school to its former glory, to see that your reputation is so utterly destroyed that it'll make people think that You-Know-Who was merely misunderstood!"

As the group exited, Albus laid back down, closed his eyes, and growled at their disloyalty to him and his ideals. 'I will not be denied my place in history as the greatest wizard since Merlin!’

***

The revelations at Albus' trials saw many "truths" laid bare. Sirius Black was transferred to a Ministry holding cell after Albus revealed under the effects of Veritaserum that the man, someone who had been in the former Headmaster's own vigilante group, had been set up from the get-go to take the fall after the Potters murders while Severus Snape was proven to be unrepentant and let off solely on Albus' word.

Eventually found guilty of the bulk of the charges, the only possible sentence was to be sent through the Veil of Death. Albus stood defiantly in front of the ancient arch and glared back at his audience, "You will all regret this when Voldemort returns and I'm not here to save you from your shortsightedness."

Minerva was allowed to say one final message to the old goat. She got right up in his face, and lashed out with her nails. A quartet of slashes appeared on his face, blood welling up, "I hope you suffer, Albus," her inner lioness purring victoriously. "Don't you think for a moment that any of your sycophants and supporters will bend over backwards to resurrect your sorry arse. You thought I was a mere paper lioness? You thought I would be easy to handle? You lost."

With that, she banished him into the void beyond.

Elvish Voynich Manuscripts 

The legendary and mysterious Voynich Manuscripts have never been decoded. It was late one evening in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione was poring over a set of photographs of the book for fun to see if maybe they had a magical aspect no one ever thought of. A slight popping noise caused her to drag her eyes away from the page. She spotted Dobby, the elf Harry always mentioned, cleaning up the usual messes the kids left behind.

"Oh, hello Dobby. How are you doing?" She greeted him.

Dobby froze at the sound of her voice then his eyes widened at the sight of her, "Dob...Dobby be doing well, miss. Why is you still being up this late?"

Hermione shrugged, "Couldn't sleep so I figured I'd do a bit of light reading." She held up the photos.

Dobby peered at them then at her rather curiously, "Why is you be having ancient elf texts?"

Hermione stared dumbly at him for a moment before flipping back to the photos, her mouth slowly dropping open, "This is elvish script? Can you read it?"

Dobby cleared his throat as he took the photos, "Dobby reads this page as being for identifying medicine plantsies. This page being for blessing ritual, this one being for identifying crumple-horned snorcacks."

Hermione was floored at all these revelations, "Dobby, is there a way to translate the book into English?"

Dobby shrugged, "Miss should be talking to mean, old book lady in library. She would know. Dobby's special talent not with books."

Curious, she asked him what was his special talent. Dobby chuckled a bit, "Dobby is best with ten pin bowling. Dobby won four titles before working for old, bad Master."

The Secret of Tobias Snape

What if Eileen Snape, Severus' mother, died not because of a drunken rage, but because of an accident? An accident that Tobias Snape, Severus' father was too embarrassed to admit aloud.

As Tobias lay on his deathbed, he weakly motioned for Severus to come forward, "Severus," he croaked, "I want to leave you a memory. I don't want to carry this secret any longer. It's how your mother really died and my shame for not admitting it."

When Severus showed hesitation, Tobias managed to look sheepish, "It's not a violent memory, more embarrassing actually. Hopefully, you'll forgive me when you see it."

So Severus extracted the memory, dropped it into a pensieve, dunked his face in.

***

In the memory, Severus watched as Tobias smacked and threw his wife around the house, eventually pinning her to the kitchen table, his face just inches from hers. "Why do you insist on playing these games, woman?!" He half-screamed drunkenly, "Do you like it when I smack you around?!"

"I love it! Smack me harder!" Eileen loudly proclaimed.

Flabbergasted, Tobias pulled back and bleary-eyed stared at his wife as she lay there panting, "Eileen?"

Giving him a lusty gaze, she saucily grinned back, "I love the rough, animalistic version of yourself. It makes me...horny. I could do without the smell of cheap alcohol, but I love it when you get like this! Now, spank and take me, Tobias!"

***

Severus suddenly withdrew from the pensieve and stared in horror at his father, who was now blushing madly. "You...she..."

Tobias wiped his face shakily through embarrassed tears, "I didn't know how to explain to your younger self. It was because of an accident, she tripped on the stairs after one particularly rough session. Her legs were still wobbly from doing...that, I guess. Severus, I'm sorry!"

Severus stared at his dying and pleading father mutely, his eyes dark like obsidian before the smallest of smirks teased the edges of his lips, "I hated you for the longest time. You were violent as a drunk. Now, I'm going to have to live with the knowledge that my parents were deviants."

Tobias sank back onto the bed, his eyes twinkling, and wheezed out a dry laugh, "Not the sort of thing you wanted to know about your parents, eh?"

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily, "I think I'm going to need an Obliviate...”

Winter holidays, 1993

Harry and Dudley convinced their mother/aunt to let them go see the new sci-fi-action movie "Demolition Man" at the cinema.

After the movie let out, Harry had a thoughtful tilt to his head, one that Dudley recognized all too well. "Whatcha thinking, Harry?"

Harry glanced around to make sure there wasn't anyone nearby, "I was thinking that the cryostasis pods from the movie would be a better place to stick the prisoners in Azkaban rather than just an ordinary cell."

Dudley frowned, "I don't understand."

Walking backwards in front of his cousin, Harry elaborated that if the prisoners were in those cryostasis pucks, there wouldn't be any need to worry about feeding them, cleaning up after them, the facility would be quiet, no worries about prison riots and more probably."

Dudley bobbled his head, "I guess. Who would you have to go to share your idea?"

Harry shrugged, "Dunno. Maybe I'll just hang onto the idea until I can solve the problem myself."

***

When Harry returned to school, he sought out Neville, "Hey, Nev! Good holidays?"

Neville smiled happily, "It was good. How was yours?"

"It was good. Listen, doesn't one of your uncles work in research?"

Neville nodded, "Uncle Saul, why?"

"I had an idea I wanted to run past him."

Neville picked up his Herbology text, "Well, you can always write to him. Address your letter to Saul Croaker in the Ministry for Magic. Heck, I think Hedwig would be able to find him even if you didn't write it down."

Harry beamed proudly, "She IS the greatest. Thanks, Nev."

***

Two years later, and Azkaban was a shadow of its former rotting self. The Dementors had been released through the Veil of Death, while the minimum security prisoners were shipped off to other prisons. The long-term medium and high security inmates were sedated and encased in what resembled an ice-like puck. Director Saul Croaker stood on the walkway overlooking the intake processing center. His gaze eventually fell upon the sight of Harry Potter grinning at one of the pucks. Inside was a Death Eater known as Peter Pettigrew. 

"Still feeling proud at the capture, Mr. Potter?"

Harry nodded, "Yeah, with him on ice; I don't have to worry about him trying to escape. With him and the other Death Eaters in here, it'll be damn near impossible for Voldemort to try and come back." His eyes slid over to another puck. This one held none other than so-called "Leader of the Light" Albus Dumbledore. "As for him, I'm just glad he's gone. Let everybody assume he went on some mega cruise for vacation and never came back."

Croaker nodded sagely, "Yes, as Albus would say, 'It's for the Greater Good.’”

5th year, Great Hall 

Draco sauntered away from the Gryffindor table after taunting Harry and Hermione for yet another inane thing. 'Honestly, I ought to teach that the little ferret a lesson,' Harry mused while Hermione fumed silently. He glanced over to where the arrogant blonde teen had seated himself and busy holding court amongst the rest of the snakes.

"Hold my place, Hermione," he commented as he stood up and headed for the Slytherin table. Draco watched his approach and sneered, "Coming over for more, Potter?"

Harry silently sat down across from Draco and just stared. Occasionally, he would tilt his head as if examining the other teen, but never speaking. The tension kept mounting until Severus finally had enough and stormed down from the teacher's table, "Potter, go back to your own table. Why are you even over here?"

Harry spared a glance at his now second most hated teacher, "I was observing, professor."

Severus (and everyone else) frowned in confusion, "What were you observing?"

Harry tapped his fingers against his leg, "I haven't decided yet." He turned and walked away.

***

Every day for a month, Harry would come over to the Slytherin table and silently sit down across from Draco and "observe" him, much to the blonde teen's consternation. Because no words, fists, or spells were thrown; there wasn't anything anyone could do about it. Not even Umbridge could do anything about the situation. 

Hermione pulled Harry aside one evening, "Okay, I've been patient long enough. What gives with the thing between you and Malfoy?"

Harry gave her a sly smirk, "I'm playing with a bit of psychological research. By remaining quiet and just staring, I've done more to upset and frustrate Draco than any of his hateful comments. Further, I've followed him around watching where he goes, who he talks to, and more. All of it is geared for the final showdown later this week."

***

It was a couple of days before the winter holidays started. Draco was lying in his bed reading a magazine he'd stolen from some mudblood. He was about to turn the page when he caught a glimpse of his door swinging open, and Harry Potter of all people standing forebodingly in the doorway. Draco leapt out of bed and brandished his wand, "How the Hell did you get in here, Potter? When my father..." 

Draco never got to finish his usual threat for the sight of Potter suddenly expanded as the room went dark.

***

Draco was discovered the next morning tied to a chair and babbling incoherently, flinching if someone touched him. He was immediately taken to the infirmary while Dolores sent for Harry.

"I know you were involved, Potter! I'll have you expelled for this," she croaked menacingly.

Harry, however, was unimpressed, "Professor, I have been nowhere near Draco outside of what you've seen here in the Great Hall for the past month. Have you ever considered that Malfoy might have other enemies to contend with?"

Dolores started swelling like her namesake at his denial, "Don't lie to me, you dirty half-blood!"

Harry merely cocked an eyebrow up but refrained from speaking. Severus intervened at that moment, silkily suggesting that a couple of drops of Veritaserum might loosen his tongue. The potion was retrieved and administered but no matter which questions they asked, Harry continued to deny that he was any way involved with Draco's condition.

After being released, Harry returned to the Gryffindor common room where Hermione and the Weasley Twins were waiting. Hermione practically pounced on him the moment he cleared the entrance, "Oh, Harry! Are you alright?"

Harry led her over the couch and pulled her onto his lap, "I'm fine, Hermione. My plan went perfectly and I hope the Ferret learned something; that THIS is how you act as a Slytherin. Learn everything you can about your enemy. Stay silent and swift, then when they least suspect anything; strike hard and fast. Leave no witnesses or proof you were ever there, and deny, deny, deny." The Twins broke out in laughter, proclaiming to the Heavens that the Marauder's Legacy still lived.

Hermione pulled him in for a grade one snog.

What if Harry started writing a fan fiction story about his life in the magical world?

6th year, Gryffindor common room 

Neville leant over Harry's shoulder one evening, "Whatcha doing, Harry?"

Harry glanced up briefly, "I'm writing a story."

Intrigued, Neville sat down next to him, "Yeah? About what?"

Harry paused in his scribbling, "It's about my time here at Hogwarts. Everything and everyone I've come into contact with. I've changed the names where I could and flipped the genders of the people where necessary. You, for example, there aren't many boy names I could use in replacement of Neville, so I flipped your character into a girl and named her 'Nelly.' Hermione became a boy named 'Herman,' while Ron became 'Rhonda.'"

Neville stared mutely for a moment as he pondered that, "Nelly Longbottom? I like the sound of that. What's she like?"

Harry gave him a half smirk, "She's just like you. Gentle natured, thoughtful, bit shy at times but will stand up for what she believes in when it counts."

Neville laughed, drawing Hermione's attention. She plopped down next to both of them, "Have you read what Harry's written so far? It's pretty good even though this Herman comes off as a bit bossy and swotty, not at all like me of course." She finished with a slight twinkle in her eyes and a ghost of a smile on her face.

Neville shook his head and held out his hand, "Not yet, hand it over, Potter. I can't wait to read this."

Through the Eyes of Another

All seven years of the Harry Potter saga as seen and experienced by... Mrs. Norris.

"Harry Potter and the Time When the New Kittens Wouldn't Stay Away from the Scary Corridor"

"Harry Potter and the Time I Got Petrified For Taking A Drink of Water"

"Harry Potter and the Year of That Damn Rat-Who-Wasn't, Ginger Brat Cat, and Friend Not-Quite-Dog!"

"Harry Potter and the Year of Those Strange Foreign Kittens, Loud and Scary Things, and That Romantic Dance With My Human-Servant"

"Harry Potter and the Year of the Ugly Toad-Human"

"Harry Potter and the Human-servants Anxiety and Excitement Over A Pile of Look-papers"

"Harry Potter and How Dare The Dark Kittens Attack My Home!”

For Truth, Justice, and the Elvish Way!

"...and every elf knew that if they were ever in trouble, all they had to do was call for help; and he would come swooping in on his Golden Broom. The green-eyed wonder, Champion of Elves everywhere...fighting for Truth, Justice, and The Elvish Way...Great Master Harry Potter!"

"Wow!" The child whispered in wide-eyed awe then scrunched up his face and whined as Dobby leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Daa-aad!" 

Dobby chuckled at his son's indignant response, "Time for bed, now. You've got a busy day tomorrow." He got up, and shut off the light as he left his son's room, "See you in the morning."

Dobby sighed happily as he entered the kitchen and spotted his wife, Winky leaning up against the kitchen counter, "Sorry about that, if I didn't read another chapter of his favorite book, we'd have a very grumpy child on our hands."

Winky shook her head and smirk at his expression of 'long-suffering parent,' "You're a good father, Dobby Potter. Now, how about helping me fold the laundry then maybe you can give me another thrilling performance of Super Elf in our bed."

Dobby's eyes twinkled in anticipation. 

***

As Dobby entered the Master's Study of Potter Manor the next morning, Dobby couldn't help feel nostalgic as his eyes roved over the collection of trinkets, pictures, and memories lining the shelves. "We had some great times together. I miss the good days just as much as I miss you, Great Master Harry Potter, Sir." He turned slightly when he heard a scoff from the desk.

"I still don't know why you insist on calling me that, Dobby," Harry grumbled as he drifted through the wall, his ghostly self making no noise as he moved. "It's been what, nearly fifty years since my passing, and you're still behaving like it was our first meeting in that ratty bedroom? How many times must you continue that nonsense?"

Dobby snorted in amusement and settled in the Master's chair. He snapped his fingers and a mug of hot chocolate appeared on the desk, "Once more as always, Master Harry."

Harry mock-glared at the elf, "I should've never named you Head Elf, and later my Heir when Madison said she had no interest in taking up the responsibility to go traipsing off with that off-world exploratory unit."

Dobby qurked up an unimpressed eyebrow, this was an old argument between them. Legally, he wasn't the Heir; that would be Harry's son Jaden, but eventually it was hoped, Jaden and his legal team would successfully overturn the centuries' old law that said only humans could inherit.

"Sammy was asking for you this morning," Dobby knew there was no better way to get his former Master, employer, and 'Brother from Another Mother' to lighten up. Just as he knew it would, Harry's eyes lit up as he murmured something about stopping in for a visit. As the ghostly form floated away, Dobby sighed heavily and picked up the stack of mail, "For Truth, Justice, and the Elvish Way...unless he's being an old grump like always. Silly Master Harry Potter."

Dobby stood outside Gringotts bank invisibly after having just finished an enlightening conversation with the legendary Harry Potter and his aunt. It was Harry Potter's aunt who had suggested that he take the Diary to the Potter Account Manager and inform the Goblins of his Master's plots.

Figuring he'd hesitated long enough, he straightened his pillowcase one last time and marched through the gilded doors. He approached a teller and requested an urgent meeting with Daggerclaw. When the teller balked, Dobby slapped the diary on the counter and growled, "Either you give Dobby a meeting, or Dobby will let you explain to the world why you let the Dark One roam free!"

Dobby was quickly ushered into a meeting. A few hours later, the Diary was destroyed, and Lucius Malfoy's vaults were locked down for an in-depth audit.

Emboldened, Dobby wondered if he could seek out more of the Dark One's things. Both he and Daggerclaw could feel the links but the Goblin was busy bringing pain upon Dobby's Master. Dobby followed one trace to an old townhouse belonging to the infamous Black Family. The elf inside, Kreacher, demanded to know why Dobby was there.

"Dobby has come for the Dark One's things. Dobby can destroy it."

Kreacher waved that off, "Bah! If Kreacher could not destroy Master Regulus' locket, Dobby will fail."

Dobby narrowed his eyes, "Dobby WILL take the locket! Goblins have a way to destroy them."

Kreacher turned his wary eyes on the younger elf, "Really? Kreacher hadn't considered the Goblins. You promise?"

Dobby held out his hand, "Dobby will show Kreacher. Bring the locket."

***

After bringing back the locket, and confirming that there were other things with the Dark Lord's taint; the Goblins did destroy the locket to Kreacher's satisfaction. The elderly elf wept in relief and thanked both Dobby and the Goblin manager before popping back home.

Daggerclaw turned to Dobby, "You have done us a great service, Dobby."

Dobby crossed his thin arms over his bony chest and stated firmly, "Dobby isn't finished yet. Dobby will get them all and set us free."

Chapter Text

The History of the Philosopher's Stone

The Bubonic Plague, aka The Black Death.

The plague resurfaced roughly every 10 years from 1348 to 1665—40 outbreaks in just over 300 years. And with each new plague epidemic, 20 percent of the men, women and children living in the world were killed.

***

Nicholas Flamel was born roughly in 1326AD which means he would've lived through the horrors of this scourge. Wanting to stay alive, and keep his family alive, Nicholas began an apprenticeship to learn about magic and Alchemy in an effort to create the legendary substance.

It would take him many years and countless failures, ably assisted by his wife Perenelle, to achieve his goal.

***

Nicholas stared at the lump of reddish material where it lay in the bottom of his cauldron, "It certainly doesn't look like much."

Perenell held up a goblet of wine, "Do you want to try it first or should I?"

He took the goblet, "I'll do it, just in case. If anything goes wrong, I couldn't possibly bear losing you," he grinned slightly, "and it would allow you to free yourself and find a smarter and less reckless husband."

His wife laughed lightly, "Go on with you. Take a sip."

Nicholas pulverized a small portion of the Stone and added it to the wine before swallowing it all in one gulp and grimaced.

"Pain?" She asked worriedly. 

"No, gritty. Pulverized stones should not be drunk. Honestly, I don't feel any different right now."

She gave him a bemused look, "What were you expecting; an angel's herald from on high?"

Nicholas swallowed the dregs of the goblet and chuckled, "That would've been nice. Well my dear, in the meantime, let's go see what else we can create.”

What is Magic?

Harry was visiting Hermione during the summer before 3rd year. The pair were going over their summer homework when he brought up an interesting insight.

"Hermione, how many loopholes could you think of to get around the Statute of Secrecy?"

Hermione slowly paused in her writing and narrowed her eyes, both in thought and befuddlement at his question, "A fair few, I suppose. Why?"

Harry shrugged, "It was a question that was brought up last winter amongst a couple of seventh years about Magical Law where it was discussed on how the Statute of Secrecy could be best applied to Underage Magic. Thomas Markley came up with the idea that because the law was written so long ago, it no longer applied to the modern world."

She waved him on. "Well, like for example, you have so many things that happen here in a non-magical house that a person from 100 years ago would be so utterly surprised at they'd think it was magic. Electricity, indoor plumbing, central heating and cooling, the refrigerator, the microwave oven, your dad's entertainment center, and more."

Now fully curious, Hermione turned to face him, "So where does the loophole come into play? What would be the end goal of this question? Do you want to be able to practice magic in public? Show off your skills to someone other than immediate family and friends?"

"How about all of the above? The non-magical people have advanced in huge leaps and bounds since the late 1600s, so much so that their own technology could be classed as magic. I can picture the loophole being as simple as pointing out magic as nothing more advanced or mysterious as how to program the VCR and taping a show off the telly. 'Yes, I can make object A do this by using this remote control device known as a wand.' That's no different than describing how to operate the telly or the stereo."

Hermione bobbed her head in agreement, "This is all well and good, but we both know that the old men on the Mot would never allow this change to happen. They, like moving objects, are governed by inertia."

Harry laughed at her little joke, "I know, right? Anyhow, it was just an idea I think I'll work on over the next few years. Might even be worth a paper in some law journal someday.”

Let this be your legacy

Thanks to the brilliance, and general sneakiness, of his parents; Harry comes to Hogwarts armed with a device of incredible abilities. On the outside, it looks like any other transistor radio. It can be clipped to his belt, has a pretty powder blue casing in a retro style, uses ambient magical energy for power, and comes with a pair of plug-in earbuds. It also plays the AM/FM frequencies.

Yet this device also has a secret. It can be connected to the school's internal ward communication schema. According to his father's notes, the device is like an audio version of the Marauder's Map. While Harry obviously cannot see what is going on around him like he would with the Map, he is able to hear what the castle's saying is happening.

With this device, Harry is able to avoid the prefects, teachers, and Filch. As a result, he knows things. Things that the headmaster would like to keep secret. Things such as the Philosopher's Stone being fake, the layout of the so-called traps on the 3rd floor, how the Troll managed to get into the school, and more.

***

Thus, Harry did his level best to not get involved, no matter how much that Weasley kid whined that a True Gryffindor would go seek out adventure. Harry had decided that his parents had sacrificed their lives for him so he would be damned if he didn't put in his best effort to learn as much as possible. Because of this drive, he would sometimes put himself in competition with Hermione Granger. She had cornered him one evening about why he was so insistent about beating her on the upcoming Transfiguration test.

"We both know that a little competition is a good thing. I promise you Hermione, that I'm not trying to be rude. I enjoy our debates and game," He paused and cocked his head to the side before snorting in mirth and rolling his eyes, "Sorry about that; the Weasley Twins just pranked themselves by accident."

Hermione narrowed her eyes, "How could you possibly know that?"

Glancing around to make sure no one was watching or listening, he removed the radio from his belt and handed it over, "This is my parents' greatest accomplishment, outside of me I suppose. The Potters have always been tinkerers since the very beginning, whether it being in potions, the ceramic arts, whatever. This radio can be tuned into the ward scheme here at school, and I can hear what's going on."

Hermione listened to the radio chatter and made a noise of appreciation, "Neat, it's kind of like a magical version of a police scanner."

Harry looked surprised at the radio, a grin slowly forming on his face, "I guess it is. So you see why I have to do my best? I have a lot to live up to. For my parents, past generations, myself. This is my legacy..."

Moon Shoes for Luna

It's Luna Lovegood's 13th birthday! No longer a child chronologically, but still a kid at heart.

Knowing and loving her penchant for the weird and wacky, Neville reached out to Harry for his help in picking out the right gift.
"Harry, I remember one of the muggleborns saying they received something called 'Moon Shoes' for their birthday a while back. I know nothing on how to navigate the muggle world. Be a pal and pick up a pair in both my size and Luna's? Just let me know how much they cost and I'll have Pepper bring you the money."

Harry was bobbing his head and laughing, "I know exactly what you're looking for, Nev. Not a problem, do you care what color they are?"

Neville shrugged, "As long as it's not pink and sparkly for mine, no."

***

Luna's eyes were wide open on the day of her party and threatening to fall out of their sockets at the sight of all the wonderful presents her friends had gotten her. However, when Neville shyly handed her a large, gaily wrapped box and given her a small kiss on the cheek, those eyes started welling up with tears. She tore off the paper and frowned cutely at the image on the box, "Neville?"

Neville took the box, opened it, and removed the strangely shaped shoes, "These are what are known as 'Moon Shoes.' They allow you jump and bounce just as if you were on the moon." He helped her stand and held onto her hands as she experimented with small bounces.

Luna's eyes returned to their wide-eyed state as she became bolder with her bounces and hopped around the yard, shrieking with laughter.

***

When school resumed, it was readily apparent that Luna wasn't ready to go back to her regular shoes, if the sight of a long blonde-haired pixie-girl bouncing up and down the hallways was any indication. 

"Hi, Neville! Boingy, boingy, boingy! I love these shoes almost as much as I do the boy who got them for me!" She waved farewell and bounced off towards her next class.

Harry clapped his friend on the shoulder, "Tough luck there, Nev. You heard her, she loves me."

Neville nudged him off, "Prat, you wish. She was looking at me. Besides, we both know that Hermione doesn't share."

Harry's laughter echoed through the hallway.

We thought we'd won

After the war with Voldemort ended, sweeping changes to the magical landscape were pushed through seemingly overnight. Now, it was illegal for the muggleborn to attend Hogwarts, shop in Diagon Alley, the Ministry, Saint Mungo's, or visit any of the places that the "fine, upstanding citizens" of Magical Britain attend. 
The Purebloods thought that without the muggleborn polluting their way of life things would get better.

They were wrong.

***

In the ten years since that law was enacted, the Crown had stepped up having long known about the situation, and created an integrated community for the muggleborn and raised. All modern schools, hospitals, government, banking (the Goblins jumped ship and joined the non-magical world, but used human tellers at the newly established branches.) The parents received an education on how to raise magical children and if needed, financial support. All education was done through day schools, and the restrictions on performing magic outside of school was lifted (though you still couldn't show anyone outside your immediate family.)

***

In the meantime, the magically-raised were in dire straits. Without the muggleborn there to support and pay the over-inflated prices, businesses and the infrastructure began to crumble. Because of the lack of new muggleborn students, Hogwarts had to raise their fees which resulted in fewer of the less well off pureblood families sending their children to the ancient school. By 1991, the year in which Harry Potter was supposed to attend, the population of the school was barely viable to keep the doors open. Disgusted with the way things were shaping up; Minerva, Filius, and Pomona quit Hogwarts and made their way into the modern education system where all three ironically ended up teaching at the same school Harry, Hermione, and several other notable names were at.

It quickly became apparent to some of the members on the Wizengamot that maybe this segregation wasn't such a good idea after all with some arguing that they should repeal the law and force the muggleborn to return.

They were quickly and harshly reprimanded by the Crown for even suggesting it. "You wanted your freedom, now you have to suffer the consequences. If reintegration was possible, it would be on our terms."

***

Albus thought he'd been so smart, backing the initiative to finally separate the two worlds, wrongly thinking that when the time came, Harry would gratefully return to Hogwarts after being forced to live amongst the wretched muggles. However, things didn't go according to plan.

The Dursleys fought back and hard. They contacted their Crown representative (who was fully aware of the problem.) The lawyers successfully demonstrated that for all of Albus' repeated and tired line that he was the boy's magical guardian, he'd not spent a single moment assisting in raising Harry. The Crown argued that neither Petunia, Vernon, nor Harry had even laid eyes on the headmaster, or had any sort of communications once during the intervening ten years. Nor had the Dursleys received any sort of financial aid from the Potter Will (which had been mysteriously sealed back in November 1981.)

***

The verdict from the High Court was unanimous: Albus Dumbledore lost any sort of custody or involvement over Harry Potter, and was ordered to stay away indefinitely. Failure to do so would result in fines, imprisonment, or even binding of his magic. The Potter Accounts were audited with Albus being discovered to have been siphoning off funds for illegal (and wasteful) purposes.

As a result from this major setback, all of Albus' plans to repeatedly test the boy over the upcoming years vanished like a puff of smoke. Albus thought he'd be able to turn to his alternate, the so-called "Prophecy Spare," but the mere notion of tangling with Augusta Longbottom left him feeling queasy. His plans for the Stone gone with a stroke of a pen, thanks to that damned court ruling.

***

With no Harry Potter and no muggleborns, the course of events would be drastically changed. The Stone, the basilisk, an escapee from Azkaban, even a deadly tournament whose culmination would lead to the resurrection of Voldemort; how is the magical world going to survive without them...

(Up to the author on what to do about Harry's Scar-crux)

Three year olds...sigh

There is a reason why the stories from a three year old child need to be verified before believed. 

***

Harry was starting to get some weird looks from his friends and family one day. George Weasley even winked at him and congratulated him on finally living up to the title of 'Boy Wonder,' and that a little self-gratification was normal.

Harry stared at him utterly perplexed, "What are you talking about?"

George draped his arm over Harry's shoulder, "Relax Harry, it's our little secret."

Then he burst out laughing.

***

The worst part, in his opinion, were the wide grins he was getting from the Goblins! Even the guards outside were getting into it, offering their admiration and words of encouragement. 

"Teller Bloodgood, what did I do that has everyone grinning?"

Bloodgood snorted, "I cannot answer that, Mr. Potter. I can say that your technique sounds impressive. Your three year old loves to tell the tale repeatedly."

Now Harry was worried; three year old Madison Potter had the frustrating ability of hearing things she shouldn't then repeating them without guile to anyone who stood still long enough. There was a reason why he and Hermione had started spelling out important messages to each other.

***

Harry hurried to the shop where they had a successful outreach program setup assisting elves who had been banished or had their Masters and Mistresses die, learn new skills to get hired by a new family.

"Hermione? Did you happen to mention anything unusual while Maddy was within earshot?"

Hermione glanced up from her paperwork, a pen dangling from her lips, and frowned momentarily, "No, I don't think so. Why?"

He took a moment to explain the looks and comments everyone had been giving him. By the end, Hermione groaned then broke out into giggles. This wasn't helping Harry's blood pressure, "What is it? What's so funny?"

Barely getting herself together, she croaked out, "Maddy’s been telling everyone about our last fishing trip, how you were able to get the hook set, and land that big fish."

Harry thought back to that trip but shook his head, "I don't get it. Why would that be funny?"

Giggle-snorting once more, she replied, "Do you remember what my mum said? She said that you must be a Master Baiter to grip that big worm by the head and slip it in good!"

Harry rolled his eyes and thunked his head on the desk while groaning in despair, "Maddy...”

The Power He Knows Not

After typing with Rogar Myers about his brother's (Rahmota) technology-delayed abilities, it got me thinking...

What if the prophesied "Power He Knows Not" is the ability to utilize social media to its fullest potential?

Voldemort grew up (and died) before the advent of computers, MySpace/Facebook/Twitter, and YouTube. He only knows the power of in-person speeches and radio broadcasts. 

Harry on the other hand, is about as modern as a teenager can be. To combat the messages of hate and bigotry, he teams up with Hermione and other tech-savvy muggleborns to counter this dark threat. They create a media blitz the likes of which had never been seen before. Historical records are released demonstrating how 'I am Lord Voldemort' is actually an anagram for Tom Marvolo Riddle, primary school records, birth certificate from the muggle world, school photos from the muggle world, testimonies from verified sources (both magical and muggle), etc.

By the time that Harry is done, Lord Voldemort was truly and undeniably vanquished. All without a single spell cast, and thoroughly disrupting Albus' Greater Good plans.

(In this world, changes in the timeline post-1981 caused the magically-raised to embrace the muggle concepts and usefulness of the telephone and television (think of the boost advertising and Quidditch would get.)

The Goonies and Magic 

AU, the Potters and Grangers never lived in Britain. Set in Astoria, Oregon

Hermione Granger came from the wealthier side of town. Country clubs, fast cars, and regular shopping trips were her lifestyle.

Harry Potter came from the working class part of town. James, his father, is the manager at one of the major lumber mills. His mother, Lily is a part-time graphic artist. Harry's best friends are the local "gang" of 13 year olds known as 'The Goonies.'

Despite their vastly different backgrounds, both Harry and Hermione share a deeper connection that has nothing to do with pride in their town. Both are in fact, magical. All three Potters are magical, while only Hermione has any connection (her mother is a Squib.) The two teens discovered each other's abilities during a summer camp outing when they were 8.

When the housing area that the Potter's and the Goonies lived in fell onto hard times, an offer from an arrogant real estate developer (Malfoy?) came in to buy them out but the families repeatedly declined. An official notice went out saying that if the financial situation was not resolved soon, the families would be evicted.

Harry, Hermione and the rest of their gang were holed up in Mikey Walsh's house when they discovered a veritable treasure trove of historical items squirreled away in the attic. When the map was discovered, Mikey told the tale his dad told him about the legendary pirate One-eyed Willy. 

Figuring they had time for one last adventure, the group decide to make a break for the starting point to see if there was any truth in the rumors. They would need all of their cunning, determination, and creativity if they wanted to evade a hidden trio of criminals, their parents, and the law in order to find old One-eyed Willy and save their homes.

Sweet Mother of Merlin!

3rd year, the boys of Gryffindor were gathered around one of the chairs in their Common room eagerly poring over a photograph of an unknown beauty. No information was found, and it appeared to be a muggle picture given that it didn't move.

"Blimey!" Seamus Finnegan exclaimed, "What I wouldn't give to get me hands on her! I'd show her just what we Irish blokes can do."

Ron was making some lewd comments about what she must be like in the sack while Harry pretended to gag. "What's wrong, Harry? Don't tell me you wouldn't want to get some action with her!"

Harry shook his head, "Hermione is more than enough for me. Besides, who knows how old this woman is now?" Ron made a disparaging noise about the oddity of wanting a bushy-haired know-it-all like Granger instead of a real beauty.

Fred was staring into the woman's eyes, his tongue slightly drooling out, "She's a looker, for sure. Hey, Georgie; how much you want to bet that she'd be up for some twin action?"

"Highly unlikely, Mr. Weasley." 

The whole group spun around towards the sight of Professor McGonagall standing behind them with an indecipherable smirk ghosting her lips. "No offense to either of you, but redheads really aren't my thing. Have a pleasant evening." She strode off back to the entrance. As she approached the portal, she looked back to their stunned faces, and gave them the same smile the photograph had and a little wink.

The sounds of the boys retching, and other noises of pained realization followed her out causing her inner feline personality to start purring, "I've still got it.”

Hermione was curled up on the couch after a particularly stressful day. Ron had been especially rude with his comments regarding their latest Transfiguration essay. She pulled a pillow closer to her chest, and watched curiously as Harry entered the room wearing a trenchcoat and carrying an enchanted cassette player. 

Harry caught her eye and winked. He pressed play on the device and stepped in front of her. The music to Young MC "Bust a Move" began blaring out as he began a strip show in front of her. When he finally yanked off the coat, he was dressed in only a shiny pair of red and gold boxers! 

Hermione (and every other girl) squealed in joyous surprise at the wiry teen's display as he continued to "strut his stuff." When the music ended, he plopped himself next to her and "sensuously" draped a leg over hers. 

Dropping her head back laughing to the heavens, and with tears in her eyes, Hermione could only praise whatever deity gave her this utterly adorkable friend of hers.

2nd year, Chamber of Secrets

Tom Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, stood up tall after severing Ginny's life force from her body and inhaled for the first time in eleven years. It was then he took notice of Harry's presence, and the disquieting way the preteen was staring at him with his arms crossed over his chest.

"You've impressed me, Potter. I would've thought you'd show fear at my rebirth."

Harry continued to stare dispassionately for a moment more, "I'm guessing you were the kind of student who only did the work required and glossed over the tiny details."

Tom frowned, "What are you talking about? I am the most powerful wizard since Salazar Slytherin."

Harry snorted in derision, "Sure you are." His dismissive tone suggested otherwise, "Yet if there's one thing I've learned over the past two years of being Hermione's best friend, is that the details no matter how obscure, can be the 'make it or break it' moment."

Tom's eyes narrowed, "Then why don't you enlighten me, Potter. What have I missed?"

Harry pointed with one hand towards a darkened section of the cavern's wall, "Death doesn't like it when someone makes a fool of him. While you were killing Ginny, He appeared to reap her soul. Apparently, your name was flagged or something because when He saw you, He figured that now was the perfect time to correct past mistakes." A low, wet sound was heard in the deepest reaches of the shadow as a spectral form began to take shape. Tom tried to backpedal away but tripped over Ginny's body and he fell to the ground hard.

"No! Keep it away! I am immortal, I cannot be killed! I have gone farther than any before me!" Tom kept screaming as the amorphous specter enveloped him, cutting off the noise.

In the silence, Death "turned" to Harry and pointed at the lad's forehead. A black tendril of magic erupted out of his scar and wrapped itself around the outstretched finger. Harry had let out a gasp of pained surprise, then touched the spot gingerly, "I guess he was right, he did go farther. That felt like a tiny bit of him. What will you do next?"

Death "murmured" something, not in words per se, but in feelings that He now had a trace on where the rest of the pieces were, and that it was no longer Harry's responsibility. 

"What about Ginny? Can she come back or was this her destiny?" Again there was that sense of words being spoken. "Okay, fair enough. That's a shame, but if that's the way it has to be. Oh, before I forget, there is no doubt that I'll be questioned. What should I say or do?"

Death waved its hand and a shard of obsidian appeared in front of Harry. He plucked it out of the air and examined it, "So the Ones Who Don't Speak will know what to do?" Death nodded then faded away into the darkness.

A Siriusly brilliant move

5th year, Sirius Black has been exonerated of his accusations of betraying the Potters and murdering 12 muggles, and Peter Pettigrew. During his trial, Sirius took note of who was voting against him...

***

A month later, charges were leveled against Lucius Malfoy and several other "fine, upstanding members of society." The first on trial was Lucius, himself. He sat in the chains-chair seemingly calm and collected, fully confident that he'd walk free.

"Bring in the first witness!" The Chief Warlock called out. Lucius turned his head only for his eyes to near bug out of their sockets at the sight of Narcissa, his wife, confidently striding up to the witness stand.

From the moment the first question was asked, it all went downhill for Lucius. He was convicted on multiple counts of fraud, money laundering, human trafficking, being a vital member of a terrorist organization, and finally infanticide when the second born child as required by their marriage contract turned out to be a Squib. 

His punishment was the Veil. Lucius was dragged kicking and screaming the whole way out of the courtroom.

***

Lucius' trial and conviction wasn't the only one took place that day. A whopping 12 "Imperioused" Inner Circle Death Eaters had their day in court. Each of those 12 met their end via either the Veil or Kiss. When it was all over, the now-widow of Lady Parkinson dropped heavily into a chair and tipped her head back letting out a groan of tiredness.
"Just wait until Albus learns of what you did here," a voice rejoined from behind her. "He's going to either give you that 'disappointed grandfather' look or lecture about the necessity of forgiveness until Harry's grandchildren are ready to graduate."

A smug grin formed briefly on her face before those features started bubbling and shifting, the reversing effects of Polyjuice slowly returning to the handsome appearance of one Sirius Orion Black III. He looked up and smiled at the bemused look on his brother in all but blood and name’s face, Remus Lupin, "Let him. When all is said and done, there's nothing he can do about it. I gave the widows a healthy severance package so they can live free. And, just as he's so fond of trotting out that tired phrase whenever he's screwing over someone else's life; it's for the Greater Good."

Chapter Text

Graduation Night!

It's the 1998 Hogwarts Graduation party. Harry had just apparated to Hermione's house where she and Daphne had gotten together to prepare for their night out on the town.

Harry checked his suit once more before he rang the doorbell, and as the door swung open, he felt his jaw sliding to the ground and his eyes growing lustful. Hermione leant up against the doorframe in an absolutely slinky, metallic red dress that seemed to ripple with every movement of her luscious curves.

"Good evening, Harry," she purred, "Daphne’s almost ready. Come on in."

Harry had just entered the living room when Daphne stepped out. You could almost hear the circuit breakers in his brain popping off. Daphne’s dress was just as seductive as Hermione's. The metallic green material appeared to slither in sinuous motion as she strutted up and gave him a passionate kiss on the lips, "Ready, stud?"

***

Later, Neville caught sight of the trio; the girls were now wearing longish jackets. "Where have you been? I thought you might’ve gotten lost."

Harry clapped his friend on the shoulder and gave him a toothy grin, occasionally glancing back at his dates, "They needed an opinion on their outfits. I was happy to oblige.”

Even the Weasley Twins make mistakes 

Fred and George Weasley were the self-appointed Masters of Chaos. Every prank they'd ever pulled promised to be spectacular. During their final year, they figured that with the castle and its inhabitants under the draconian decrees of Dolores Umbridge, something should be done to lighten the mood.

Yet even they made mistakes.

***

The potion was supposed to be properly labeled and in the LAVENDER bottle. Unfortunately, George grabbed the potion in the ROYAL PURPLE bottle. The first a mild infatuation-inducer. The second? Full out LUST...

They had spiked the evening's pumpkin juice and figured they had an hour to get good seats to watch the show. The good boys and girls of Hogwarts would soon be swooning and giggling at the most inane displays of affection. To the Twins' horror, those same boys and girls were now practically falling over themselves, ripping their clothes off and mounting each other in a frenzied pile of sex and depravity! Even the teachers were getting involved; the horrific sight of a nude Umbridge riding Severus Snape cowboy-style competed with Albus Dumbledore wanking himself as Minerva danced naked on the table. The only ones unaffected (physically at least) were the first through third years (who had fled the Great Hall in fear and disgust; while the Twins were crazy, they weren't creepy), and Professor Flitwick (because of his Goblin heritage.)

***

Harry had separated himself from the impending lusty horde when he'd noticed the looks of anticipation on the Twins' faces. His change of seating location hadn't go unnoticed however. As the others were mindlessly debasing themselves, Harry found himself ensconced between a surprisingly unaffected Hermione and Daphne Greengrass on the far side of the Hall. When asked, both girls replied that they never drank pumpkin juice at dinner, only tea. Luna Lovegood was sitting next to Hermione, idly playing with her beaded necklace, and watching the show. She too had Seen what was about to take place, and while she enjoyed sex, she wasn't interested in public displays of this...carnal nightmare. 

"Ten Galleons says that Madam Pomfrey is going to find herself needing a ton of pregnancy kits soon," Harry deadpanned as he watched Colin Creevy plow into Ginny Weasley who was making braying noises like a congested donkey.

"I'm really glad that my sister is currently suffering from a case of cramps and not here to debauch herself."

"Cramps?" Harry inquired, wondering if she'd been unfavorably targeted for bullying.

Daphne pinked a bit, "Feminine cramps, Harry."

Now it was his turn to blush, "Ohh... Right." Daphne patted him consolingly on the arm.

Hermione was idly examining a small amount of the tainted juice, "How much of this stuff do you think needs to be ingested to get the full effects?"

Daphne looked her curiously, "You're not suggesting what I think you are?"

"No, not yet. Maybe in another two years or so; but in the meantime, it might be worth a research paper or two to show how these kinds of potions can affect society and bloodlines." She gestured off to where Draco was getting pegged by Ron Weasley, "Just imagine if their respective mother and father were to hear of this!"

Hello Kitty, Hermione?

Summer before 5th year, Harry's doing a load of laundry for himself and Hermione at Grimmauld Place, seeing as how no one trusts Kreacher enough not to do something malicious. As he pulled his hand out of the basket, a cartoon cat caught Harry's eye. He flipped aside a red t-shirt, cocked his head and stared at the matching lace bra and boyshorts knickers with lace trim for a moment before a wicked grin stole over his face, "Hermione, you naughty girl."

Later at dinner, Hermione caught him giving her a side-eye twinkle, "What?"

Harry chuckled and shook his head, "It's nothing. I just learned something today and it just keeps coming back."

***

The next time he did laundry, he found not only the Hello Kitty knickers but also a mismatched pair of Paddington bear ruffled knickers and a camisole that read, "Press buttons to begin play" with the circles over where her 'buttons' would be. "She's got to be teasing me now," he muttered, "There's no way that this isn't deliberate."

Over the next couple of weeks, whenever Harry did the laundry, Hermione seemed to be leaving him a message in the form of lingerie. In return, whenever they were interacting upstairs, he would give her an extra dash of cream or milk in her tea, make her breakfasts just the way she liked, got a book she was looking for, cuddled up with her on the couch late at night while they both worked on their summer reading, little things of that nature that when she looked up long enough from her studying; he would catch the fond looks in his direction when she thought he wasn't paying attention. 

***

The final week at Grimmauld Place, Harry was too busy to do the laundry so it fell to Hermione. As she's rummaging around and sorting out the various pieces, she ran across Harry's boxers. There were the usual Gryffindor red and gold pairs, and even a crude one that read, "One for the oven." Shaking her head at the last, she reached for the final pair. It was a powder blue with the cartoon words, 'Hello Kitty's Playground.' "Oh my god! Hello... Wait! I have... Harrry! Oh my, my knickers must've been what started all those looks and nudges," she giggled. Blushing madly, she shoved the garments into the washing machine and hurried upstairs. She burst into the library where Harry was holed up with Sirius and yelped, "Harry James Potter!"

Sirius smirked at Harry, "You're in trouble now, all three names! What did he do, love?"

Rather than being upset, Hermione slid into Harry's lap with a smile teasing her lips and a twinkle in her eye, "Sirius, would you give us the room? Hello Kitty wants some time with her playground.”

Release the Lovegood!

Everyone knows that Luna Lovegood revels in chaos, all the while being utterly adorable with her wide-eyed "innocence."

It's the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry is standing on the ramparts of the North Tower surveying the carnage from the battles between Light and Dark. "Hermione!" He yelled, "It's time!"

Hermione nods her head then steels herself for what's about to happen. Upon Harry's signal, the Gates to the Fae World are thrown open with the rallying cry, "Release the Lovegood!"

A thunderous herald begins trumpeting to the Heavens. Both Light and Dark fighter pause at the hearing of new sound. The ground begins to quake as hundreds of creatures that defy explanation stream out and begin slaughtering the Death Eaters and the creatures of the night. Trailing behind all of it, skipping along as if going about without a care in the world, is Luna who sports that enigmatic smile while raising her wand, "For the Crumple-horned Snorcacks!

Arrogance, thy name is Wizard!

The Witchcraft Act 1735 (9 Geo. 2 c. 5) was an Act of the Parliament of the Kingdom of Great Britain in 1735 which made it a crime for a person to claim that any human being had magical powers or was guilty of practicing witchcraft. With this, the law abolished the hunting and executions of witches in Great Britain. The maximum penalty set out by the Act was a year's imprisonment.

In 43 years, the Witchcraft Act made the International Statute of Secrecy moot. Unfortunately the wizards were so arrogant in their desire to govern themselves, that no one thought to look around and see the changes that had taken place.

By 1981, 246 years since the Act was ratified, all magical children of non-magical parentage/guardianship no longer had to wait until their Letter of Acceptance and Guide arrived to explain all those odd things that happened when they became emotional. From the moment the children were born, they were tested and if proven to be magical; automatically registered with the government to receive medical, educational, and support benefits. They weren't segregated from their peers, or worse, despite the usual conspiracy theories that popped up every now and then. What wasn't done, was inform the magical government of the families new statuses. 'Why should we make the new magical families suffer in silence when we can help today?'

Alternatives in schooling were offered to those who couldn't afford Hogwarts or didn't want to subject their children to the rampant bigotry that pervaded the insular community. Public magical libraries, museums, restaurants, playgrounds, art galleries, and more sprung up over time; all the while the magical community continued to think them the superior class.

The biggest question that arose was how to keep the lid on things when the Hogwarts Guides showed up after eleven years, and then over time? Surely if something wasn't done, a Guide would remember and disrupt things? Well, the non-magical government decided long ago that if rune-based obliviation enchantments were good enough for the magical community, it would work the rest of the world. To that end, and thanks to the continual advancements in muggle technology; the entire array was able to be shrunk down to a bar measuring 2 inches long by half an inch wide. It would be powered by a magical lodestone and occasionally boosted by the child's (or parent's) magical core through a yearly ritual. The bar would be easily disguised and only found if you knew what you were looking for (most families hid them in their home's decorations.) When a magical child went into public, they wore a copy of the bar in the form of a decorative necklace.

After their visit to the family's home, the Guide would have their memories subtly altered to think that everything was as it should be and that the muggleborns were now 'enlightened to their new reality.'

***

1 November 1981, the Dursley residence have grown by one. After discovering that Harry had been dumped on their doorstep, Petunia and Vernon immediately contacted their local National Health Services - Magical Families office to inform them of what happened. An agent is sent over to investigate and a case started. After receiving a medical exam, the Scar-crux is diagnosed and surgery is immediately scheduled. With that now done, Petunia heads into their local Gringotts-operated bank branch to lock down the Potter vaults. The Goblins were initially hesitant, but after reading the charmed letter Dumbledore had pinned to toddler Harry, decide that the old goat has interfered with people's lives one too many times. Over the course of a month, the avenues of wealth and power were cut off from Albus who was growing more and more concerned. When Sirius Black was illegally incarcerated in Azkaban, Petunia brought a certified copy of the Potter Will to her MP to get him a proper trial. 

With Sirius free, and Remus brought in, Harry Potter will grow up surrounded by love and family. 

***

Meanwhile, Hermione, Dean, Justin, and all the other muggleborns won't have to suffer the confusion of being dropped into the deep end of magical society. They have their own 'secret society' and contact network they can rely on. Hermione grows up with friends her own age, and as a result of that, doesn't fall prey to Draco's and Ron's belittling over her love of learning or parentage. When she and Harry meet, they discover a shared love of learning (and music.) The magically-raised are confused as to why these interlopers know what to do and all when they supposedly are brand-new to their world. Albus and the other power players in the Wizengamot have been annoyed by all of the subtle changes over the years and have tried multiple times to find out what's going on, but those pesky enchantments cause those concerns to float away like smoke on a breeze.

"Just what is going on?!" many have vocally, and loudly, complained. "Could the muggles be behind this? Nah..."

Hermione's Eyebrows 

I just had a Crack moment while reading TomHRichardson's story 'Angry, Overpowered Harry' again. In one scene, Hermione asked Harry a verbal question. The very next line had her eyebrow ask a non-verbal follow-up question. 

So here's my Crack moment; what if Hermione's eyebrows really DID speak as an extension of herself based on her mood, and/or facial expressions?

What would those conversations even be like?

Does Harry create a cheat sheet of the different positions that correspond to a particular topic or question?

(Jonathan Deller): Add her hair to that as well. Imagine what her hair thinks of everything. Including mating with Harry’s untamed mop.

Don't bet the house!

1st year, a group of nervous 11-year-old children were led into the Great Hall by Professor McGonagall; their eyes and heads on a constant swivel as they took in their new environment. 

Sitting up at the teacher’s table on a golden throne was Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. His eyes were scanning the incoming crowd, apparently looking for someone. He spotted one boy and started to smile but as he took in the lad's outfit, he frowned heavily. "Ahem, before we begin; Mr. Potter, is there a reason why you are wearing a girl's uniform?"

Curious whispers broke out throughout the hall. The boy, Harry Potter, dropped his head and loudly grumbled. He spared a glance at a smug bushy-haired girl standing next to him before turning back to face the headmaster. "Sir, have you ever bet on a sure thing, and at the most critical moment, the girl in question forgets the answer?" He frustratingly gestured towards the girl next to him. "Because as a result of that, I now have to wear her uniform for a week!"

Suddenly a gale of laughter burst out from down near the end of the table where a tall, thin man with lanky black hair, large nose, and usually a dour demeanor was practically falling out of his chair clutching his sides.

Albus was confused, "Professor Snape? Whatever is the matter?"

The now identified Professor Snape let out another snort of laughter as he tried valiantly to get himself under control, "I'm sorry, Headmaster. I just had a flashback to my second year. (Minerva gasped as she suddenly remembered) Change out the boy's eye color to hazel, and make him a bit taller; you heard him utter the exact same thing, practically word for word!" He finally dragged himself back into his seat, "Young Miss, if you need more inspiration on how to embarrass Potter there, come find me. I have loads of memories to share!"

Albus looked nonplussed and slowly shook his head in confusion as he allowed the sorting to continue. Back where Severus sitting, Albus could see his Potions Master busily writing something down, a darkly eager smirk on his lips.

'This ought to be interesting,' he mused.

Don't even think about it!

Poppy Pomfrey, Infirmary Medi-witch to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry can in one of two moods when anyone enters her domain. She can be either warm and motherly; easing the fears of the homesick or taking care of the usual injuries one could expect from a bunch of kids learning magic.

The other mood is the one you pray that you never experienced. The no-nonsense, alpha female, imperial glare that has been rumored to cow a Hungarian Horntail into submission. 

***

7th year, the Dark has temporarily won control of Hogwarts. Dementors surround the school and patrol the grounds. Severus was installed as Headmaster after Dumbledore was killed.

Through all of that, the remainder of the DA banded together to continue the fight against the Dark. Neville ran as fast as he could to get away from the Death Eater who taught Muggle Studies. He'd just been able to dive through the open doorway that led to the infirmary when he heard the call go out for a Dementor to hunt him down and give him the Kiss.

As the terrifying wraith bore down on Neville, it metaphorically screeched to a halt when Poppy stepped in front of Neville with "That Look" on her face. The Dementor hesitated and shook its head, backing away and looking all apologetic. The handler screamed at the retreating Dementor to go in and do its job, but the wraith stopped, turned to face the handler, and said in a dry, dusty voice, "There are three people in this world that can make us cower in fear. She is one of them. I would rather make-out with the Pink Toad than face Poppy Pomfrey's wrath!"

Howler Combat Magic

Someone in the DA finally figured a better use for one of Molly Weasley’s ubiquitous Howlers she continuously sent to her sons. "Why not charm these things to only go off when in the presence of someone bearing the Dark Mark?"

Hermione's (and several Ravenclaw's) eyes lit up at the prospect of inventing something new, so they began the task of how to identify passive magic and use it to trigger an active result.

Harry latched onto the idea provided by Hannah Abbott that they should capture a low-level Death Eater like Marcus Flint to be their test subject then afterwards obliviate him of the experience. 

***

Borrowing on the idea that the Dark Mark must emit some sort of interference with a person normal magical signature, Hermione's team raided Madam Pomfrey's medical files, and used them as a starting point for the Mark-sensing perimeter charm. Working off the files, the team would discover the pre-Mark signature of many who would later become Death Eaters. They then enlisted the aid of Dobby (whom Hermione made him promise to not overwork himself in an effort to please the Great Master Harry Potter Sir) to get samples of those same Death Eaters for comparison. 

***

Despite their best efforts, neither Harry nor anyone on his team could get the right...'power' in crafting a good Howler. Harry pulled the Twins, Ron, and Ginny together for a conference, "Guys, as much as it pains me, I think we need you to smuggle your mother here to help us with this project."

The Twins looked contemplative while Ron looked pained at the idea of his mother being involved. Ginny on the other hand, was ambivalent. "Fine with me, Harry. When do you want her to come up?"

"The sooner the better. I know that Hermione's team is in the final stages of their charm creation, so we need to start testing the integration."

***

Owing to their extensive knowledge of the school's hidden passageways, the Twins got Molly into the castle with no one being the wiser. She stood there utterly mystified at their industrious set-up and turned to look at Harry, "I don't understand, what is it you need my help with? Why aren't you spending your time studying?"

Harry looked at her right square in the eyes, "Mrs. Weasley, we are at war. You may think we're too young for this, and you'd be correct; but the fact remains. We are at war with the people who think that a proper and complete education should be determined by your blood status, and that if you’re not a member of the ruling class, you should be relegated to that of an elf or worse."

He gestured to what they were doing, "What we have here is a general cross-section of the classes we'd normally be learning. Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, Arithmancy, and more. You were brought up because the project we've been working on has hit a stumbling block. We're trying to weaponize Howlers, and let's face it; there's no one better than you at creating them."

Molly blushed at the off-hand praise, "Thank you, Harry but why not just leave all this to Dumbledore?"

Ginny stepped forward and angrily showed her mother the back of her hand, "This is Hogwarts under Umbridge's reign despite Dumbledore being in the Headmaster's office." Molly gasped at the sight of the message, 'I must respect my betters' engraved on the back of her daughter's hand. "Umbridge has anyone caught breaking her Education Decrees, to be forced to use a Blood Quill for hours at a time in detention until 'the message sinks in.'"

That did it for Molly. No one did something so heinous to her daughter and got away with it. Her face set dangerously, "Where do you need me?"

***

Later after the war, a lot of people would credit not only Harry Potter with saving their lives, but also the members of the DA and Molly Weasley for providing use of her Howlers. The Howler Land Mines were a huge success, so much so that the Twins' used a variant for sale in their joke shop, and the DMLE used them in their own arsenal. They could be affixed to any surface and left unattended; the power of Molly's volume held in stasis until released.

It soon wasn't unusual to come across one or two leftover from the war affixed in the hallways of Hogwarts. Professor Flitwick purposely left a few in place as demonstration aids of how combat magic and seemingly ordinary magical artifacts could be used with devastating efficiency. 

Achoo! Damn, now where am I?

What if young Harry had developed the amazing ability to apparate to a random location every time he sneezed and that destination was based on how hard he sneezed? A tiny one could send him across the street while the most powerful would likely send him halfway around the world. Ironically, his long distance sneezes never sent him into the ocean or atop Mount Everest, usually just cities or lowland areas. The closest to water he got was when one sneeze landed him on the beach at Brighton.

Ah Hell, Not Two of You!

Harry’s got a metamorphic problem. Not in the sense that he unwilling turns into animals, but the fact that he subconsciously will copy the appearance of whoever he's looking at. Stranger still, this glitch doesn't occur on animals or inanimate objects like trees or rocks.

As a result, he's learned to slightly glance off to the side which inadvertently gave him the air of not being "all there."

When Hagrid came to get Harry, the surprise by both was caused by Hagrid’s arrival to Harry, and Harry's sudden change into a miniature copy to Hagrid.

This led to a conversation that required the presence of Minerva McGonagall and led to a huge change of fortunes when she discovered Albus' secret plans for Harry.

At school, his "glitch" unfortunately earned him the nickname of the same (though he likes it better than the usual overly hyphenated sobriquets. Harry getting sorted into Gryffindor probably didn't help either what with everyone pestering him to see what other changes he could do.

The only people who didn't were Neville Longbottom, Hermione Granger, and the Patil Twins. They took the route that made them all friends, which was greatly appreciated by Harry.

Still, it was funny at times for two Nevilles to walk into class just to see who noticed, or three Patil sisters walking the corridors. Hermione was the only one of their group whom Harry tried to not emulate simply because in his mind, "Hermione Granger is one of a kind wonderful and that shouldn't be messed with."

Unspeakable Weasley 

What if Molly Weasley had trained as an Unspeakable before getting pregnant with her first child? When the Twins started inventing stuff at the age of 9, she was impressed and figured it had something to do with inherited talent.

With that thought stuck in her head, she began pushing her boys to go get the best grades they could simply because that was how SHE did it to get hired by the DoM. As a result, she just didn't understand why they weren't applying themselves when it was clear to her that they'd gotten their creativity from her. She knew they were capable, but because of the secrecy clauses in her lifetime Unspeakable contract, she was unable to tell them WHY she pushed them so hard. Her continued mantra to get nice jobs in the Ministry was her only way to make sure her former colleagues knew who to look for during their next recruitment sweep.

He makes for a great wall hanging

May 1980, James, Lily, and the Marauders decide to head out to Muggle London for one last night out before their child was due. They end up going to the cinema to see the next chapter of the Star Wars movie, The Empire Strikes Back. One scene in particular lodges itself in James' mind, 'What if that Carbonite could be made for real? What if with the assistance of magic, it didn't need to rely on all that equipment?'

Knowing he'd never be able to pull it off given his current situation, he passed the idea off to a trusted friend of his father's, Saul Croaker. Saul had to see the movie for himself but he was impressed with the concept. The trick was to find something that could incapacitate the Dark Lord (or anyone else for that matter) long enough to start the process. 

***

Flash forward 10 months and Croaker has the incapacitation problem solved and it always made him snort in disbelief. A simple muggle flash-bang grenade would distract the victim long enough to inject a fast-acting sedative into their neck thereby rendering the victim unconscious within 10 seconds.

After the Dark Lord went down, James or Lily would send out a Patronus to him where he and his team would mobilize and arrive within moments. 

***

Halloween 1981, the traps had been installed and now it was a waiting game. Voldemort, led by the traitor Pettigrew breached the door of Potter Cottage and took his last step through the entryway. A deafening explosion, coupled with a blinding blast of light rendered the most feared Dark Lord in decades disoriented and blindly casting spells. James rushed him and jabbed the syringe into the demon-man's neck. Voldemort's eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he slumped to the ground. 

James heard a noise out front and immediately cast a petrifying hex, hitting Peter before the man could react. Next up, James contacted Croaker as expected and let his wife know that he was safe. Croaker and his team arrived with a stasis trunk into which they loaded Voldemort's body then departed. As for Peter, he would be left in his state until the Aurors arrived.

Sirius arrived moments later relieved to see his friends alive though he did give Peter a sharp kick to the stones for his betrayal. 

***

Six months later, James and Lily were brought to the DoM to see the new decorations. Lining the walls, and tastefully lit hung Voldemort, Bellatrix LeStrange, Lucius Malfoy, several other high-ranking Inner Circle Death Eaters. Strangely enough, one of the pods was covered by a tarp.

James gestured to it curiously, "What gives?"

Saul's smile was predatory, "During our interrogation of Voldemort, we learned how it came to be that this relatively new evil upstart appeared practically out of nowhere. It turns out that a certain someone had a direct hand in the creation of this monster. He fooled almost everyone with his honeyed words and false bonhomie. Anyone who dared to oppose him, Voldemort received word via coded message by his double agent Severus Snape whom we're still tracking down (Lily gasped as she quickly figured it out.)" Saul bowed his head in her direction, "Exactly, Mrs. Potter. May I present Albus Dumbledore, our newest decoration!" 

The tarp was dropped showing the frozen features of Dumbledore, his fists raised in impotent rage.

Chapter Text

Is that a problem, Mr. Potter?

6th year, Hermione'd been on a rather confusing loving streak. She seemed determined to kiss Harry's lips raw. The Gossip Girls Lavender and Parvati swore there wasn’t anything in their notes, but they still dragged Hermione down to see Madam Pomfrey.

***

Harry was ensconced on the couch in front of the Gryffindor fireplace, Hermione was straddling his lap, sensuously peppering his face and lips with gentle kisses. He managed to break free for a moment to ask, "Hermione? Not that I mind too much, but what's with all the kissing? Did Parkinson say something again?"

Hermione shook her head and resumed her little kisses in between explaining, "No (kiss), I overheard someone (kiss) mention that you and I (kiss) were always joined (kiss) at the lips."

Harry rolled his eyes and groaned, "Hermione, they probably said you and I were joined at the HIPS!"

Hermione thought about for a moment and grinned seductively, "Oops, my mistake (kiss)."

If it keeps you safe

Summer before 7th year

Even though she wasn't there, Harry instinctively knew that Hermione was upset about something. Deciding that his best friend was more important than anything else that the Dursleys wanted him to do, he called her up on the phone.

He ended up getting Mrs. Granger. "Ah, the famous Harry Potter. He who featured heavily in my daughter's stories from school and the one whom she stares dreamily at when he thinks she's not looking at him."

"Buh..." that threw him for a loop and prompted Mrs. Granger to burst out laughing. 

"Kids are so easy to tease these days! If you're calling for Hermione, she's not here at the moment."

Harry frowned, "Is she okay?"

Mrs. Granger replied, "Seemed to be. Maybe a little distracted. (Harry made an aborted cough) Oh, so you've seen that look too, huh?"

Harry chuckled, "Nearly every time a test or quiz is announced. I was worried about her. I got the sense that she was planning to do something monumentally... uncharacteristic, I guess you could say."

You could practically HEAR the smirk on the other end of the line, "Hermione? Do something rash?"

"I know, I know, but when you see her; could you please give me a call?"

"Sure thing." They gave their farewells and hung up.

***

3 hours later and the phone rang. Petunia was the one to answer. It pained her that someone was bothering them at this hour, and worse, wanted to speak to the boy but she handed the receiver to Harry after she yelled his name.

"Hello?"

"Harry, this is Mrs. Granger. You need to come here. Hermione did as you predicted and is planning something uncharacteristic. I overheard her talking to herself as she plotted to wipe our memories!"

Harry cut in, "Take a breath. I'll be right there." Figuring time was of the essence, and not caring he might catch flak for it, he called Dobby and had the elf transport him to the Grangers. There he saw Hermione sobbing, sitting in a chair with her hair covering her face. Mr. Granger was comforting his wife and holding onto Hermione's wand. "What happened?"

"My husband caught sight of her aiming her wand at the backs of our heads in the reflection of the telly. He managed to duck out of the way and disarmed her then I called you," Mrs. Granger summarized.

Harry knelt down in front of Hermione, "Mia, what was your plan? To wipe their memories of you? Why?"

"To keep them safe," came the muffled reply. "If they're not here, and can't remember me, then the Death Eaters can't hurt them."

Harry took her hands in his, "Oh, Hermione. That idea only works in those cheesy novels you like to read. I can think of a better solution. What if we were to send your parents on a world cruise instead?"

Hermione peeked out from her bushy-haired covered face, "I can't afford that."

"True, but I can. You know me, Hermione. I rarely buy stuff except for school supplies. I'm sure that if we contact the Goblins, they can get your parents the tickets to a fabulous adventure where they get to have fun and remember you fondly."

Just as he turned to get the Granger adult approval, Harry was tackled to the floor by Hermione as she hugged him tightly, thanking him over and over again in rapid-fire. 

***

True enough, the Goblins came through in flying colors. Rather than just a luxurious cruise where their waistlines would be in constant danger, the Granger adults were booked on a Mercy hospital ship to lend their skills as dentists to nations in need.

Meanwhile, Harry took charge of the Hunt for the Horcruxes. Rather than hiding away in a tent, the trio set-up operations at Grimmauld Place. Harry contracted with Bill Weasley to ward the place to kingdom come with Hermione as the new Secret Keeper. They would learn from the mistakes of the others and not let the Dark dictate how the Order fought.

After the war, Harry and Hermione joyously greeted her parents on the dock. Mr. and Mrs. Granger waved and beamed happily as they spotted their daughter. Each had so much to tell the other.

The Telemarketing Curse

A witch with a score to settle can be devious.

After finding out how Dumbledore has been keeping Harry prisoner at the Dursleys every year, Hermione decides to get the help of some...experts...to help her with payback.

After an hour of explanation to the Weasley twins, the scheme is decided on. Fred promises it will be handled soon.

The next day, every couple of hours Dumbledore receives Floo call after Floo call, all different voices, all annoying:

'Hi we'd like to speak to you about your broomstick's extended warranty'

'Do you have time to take a short survey about the way the Ministry is run?'

'Nobody likes to think their home will be attacked, robbed, burned, or flooded. Can I interest you in our latest ward scheme? The cost of the scheme can be paid in low monthly payments.’

Sponsorships still available!

4th year; after getting illegally chosen as the fourth Champion for the TWT, Harry figures he ought to have a bit of fun against the general stupidity that is magical society. With Dobby's and Hermione's help, he buys a sports team jacket and proceeds to cover it with as many sponsor badges as possible...

Including those Houses that owe the Potter Family in some way. 

***

When he walked into the Great Hall the next morning, everyone saw his new look, though only the muggleborns got the humor. He explained to anyone who asked that this was a common feature in the muggle world though because he was taking part in the magical world, there was an added bonus. If he failed, or was impeded in any fashion then everyone listed would be severely penalized; either through financial means, or loss of magic.

That was when the Family Crests were noticed...

***

Given this new knowledge, everyone made DAMN SURE that Harry was given the absolute BEST education and training, lest they feel Magic's Wrath.

The funny thing though, both Luna and Neville knew that Harry was pulling a con on the school and eagerly joined in on the fun.

Back again and causing chaos

(Found on Reddit)

A 300 year Old Harry Potter is thrown back in time to his 11 year old self against his will.

Upon awakening in his cupboard, Harry decides to simultaneously escape and troll the Wizarding World. He’s retired after all, let the public fend for themselves for once. Using his magical knowledge, apparation, and stealth, Harry creates a seal that constantly generates clones of himself designed to cause as much chaos as possible. 

To keep everyone too busy to look for him, Harry leaves these seals in Privet Drive, Diagon Alley, and Hogwarts. With that done, Harry sets out to aquire a private, tropical island for himself while his clones drive everyone crazy with their complete & utter mayhem.

Elves, Servitude, and Professor Potter 

What if all the servitude an Elf does meant something else to them?

Hermione saw their unpaid services as being akin to slavery, but what if the elves saw it as being more...erotic? Cooking, cleaning, the reprimands; all of it was their way of "getting one off."

How might the magical world react then? What if Harry found a way to distract Hermione from her Crusade?

***

Harry was growing annoyed by her constant harping on the subject, "Give it a rest, Hermione! If they enjoy the work, who are you to deny them?"

"But Harry," she started whining, "Slavery is wrong!"

Harry got a strange look on his face, "Yeahh...I think you're breaking one of your own rules regarding knowledge. You haven't read any books or interviewed an elf to find out their side of the story."

Hermione crossed her arm and glared defiantly, daring him to make a fool of himself.

"I'll make a deal with you. If you can categorically prove with real empirical data that the elves suffer from slavery, I will put my House's political weight into the campaign to free them."

Her head came up a bit, "And if I can't?"

Harry's eyes started glowing a bit brighter, causing Hermione's mouth to suddenly run dry, "You have to submit to one of my experiments."

"What are these experiments?"

Harry's eyes were most definitely glowing. Hermione's stomach was fluttering as she subconsciously started squirming slightly, he whispered in her ear, "Two words: Professor Potter."

The pair shook hands in agreement before she stormed off to the library.

Two months later, Miss Granger found herself bent over Professor Potter's desk being given disciplinary spankings for...ah, Hell, she didn't care anymore. She was a bad girl and it never felt so good!

It's magically delicious!

1995, Magical Britain is utterly losing their collective shit after rumors started circulating that the Statute of Secrecy had been blown out of the proverbial water.

Curious, Harry called Hermione to find out of she knew what was going on, but she didn't. Next, he wrote a letter to Neville figuring the magically-raised teen ought to know what all the hullabaloo was about.

A day later, Harry received Neville’s response, "Harry, according to the rumors, someone has put up huge signs on buildings across London, declaring that magic exists. There should be some near you."

Now even more curious, Harry took a walk around town. His attention was caught by the quick sight of the word 'magic' on a billboard across the street. He took a better look, loudly groaned, and facepalmed himself, "Those idiots..."

"Think magic doesn't exist? Then explain [insert restaurant name and dish.] Merlin and Morgana, it's magically delicious!"

I'm sad to say I did not create this masterpiece of a prompt.

***

Harry Potter and the Countdown Kid

(Created by u/deconsolioducttape on HPfanction Reddit)

Harry sighed as they left the classroom. Ron wasn’t a bad bloke but had certainly been thoughtless when going off about Countdown earlier. He didn’t think his comments were all that horrible, he had certainly heard worse, but when she failed to show up at the next class he felt compelled to seek her out and try to pay her back. Admittedly he didn’t truly owe her, she had helped him out entirely unwittingly, but every time he recalled how that utter hag from No. 6 had come back in utter defeat it brought a genuine smile to his face. 

Mind made up and leaving the rest of his classmates in Gryffindor Tower, he went off to search for Countdown. 

It took him almost two hours. He had searched at least 10 different rooms, underneath two stairwells, and behind at least 70 suits of armor. He didn’t really think she would be behind the suits of armor but they certainly broke the monotony of the search. He had even learned a colorful bit of swears that sounded like they were from a few hundred years ago!

Finally he decided she had to be in a bathroom. Ok fine, he had overheard some older students complain about the crying first year in the girls loo that was closest to the Charms classroom. Which made sense given that was the last place he saw her. Oh well, lessons learned and all that for the next time he had to go searching for someone. 

It took a surprising amount of courage to enter a girls bathroom. The chances of being seen entering, or worse walking in on someone was mortifying. Harry had stopped caring about public opinion ever since that fussock (Thank you suit of armor!) from No. 6 had lied and made the remaining part of Privet Drive think badly of him. However, now he was in a new place with people that mostly had a favorable opinion of him. So now public opinion did matter. At least to the point that he didn’t want to be thought of as some kind of pervert. 

Harry kept trying to psych himself up, but each time he made it within 10 feet of that door he would lose his nerve and quicken his pace to walk past it. Finally he decided to wait until dinner where he was sure that no one besides Countdown would be in there. Or more hopefully, she would regain her composure and leave the bathroom. 

Alas, he had to enter. He creaked the door open, eyes closed, and with no small amount of trepidation, stuck his head in to call out for her. 

“Hermione?”

“Go away.”

“Are you alone?”

“Boys shouldn’t be in here!”

“Look Coun-…Look Hermione, I just want to let you know that what Ron said isn’t true. I don’t think you’re a nightmare, and you were just trying to help him. He was being a prat. So how about we leave here and go to the feast.”

He didn’t get a reply. Internally sighing, he went all the way into the bathroom. Inside his mind he was really wondering if what she did for him was worth all this effort. But once again, remembering that shabberoon from No. 6’s face once again reminded why he owed her. He decided to change tactics. 

Marching up to the stall she was in he pounded on the door which earned him a surprised squeak from her. 

He tried his most authoritative voice “Listen here Countdown! You can’t let people get to you like this! So what if someone said something mean about you? Get over it! If I had a pound for every time someone called me something mean I’d be richer than the queen! So stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out there!”

He immediately knew that was the wrong tactic. Another bout of sobs escaped from the stall. However, her next words surprised him. 

“That’s rich! Telling me to not care about unkind words while insulting me at the same time!”

“…wait, what?” Harry asked incredulously. 

“You called me Countdown! Every since I went on the show, all I’ve heard was ‘Swot this and swot that’! I’m tired of it and you’re just as mean as the rest of them!”

“I’m not making fun of you! You’re my hero for what you did on that show!”

“What? Hero? How or I don’t know….why?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He replied. He didn’t want to answer her. It would probably lead to questions about what thingumbob (he didn’t know what that one meant but was running out of names from the suit of armor) had said about him. 

“Yes it does! Everyone has called me a swot or been calling me an old weirdo for going on there!” 

“Look all you need to know is what you did on the show was a service to the whole country! You single-handedly improved the last 6 months of my life! So look if you have enough nerve to win on that show, against someone at least 20 years older than you, then you can surely not let peoples attitudes here get to you!”

There was a long pause from her. Almost long enough to make him decide for another tactic. However, she finally replied. 

“You’re weird.”

Well that certainly wasn’t what he suspected. He decided to roll with it. “And you’re brainy. Certainly brainy enough to recognize that I’m not leaving here without you and hopefully kind enough to not let everyone else know that I’m weird enough to spend my free time in a girls bathroom. So please come out and let’s go to the feast. I’ll even do play the letters part of Countdown with you after we eat.” He certainly wouldn’t do the maths portion. He didn’t want her to embarrass him. 

He didn’t know what part of what he said did it, or even if it was any one thing he said. But she finally opened the stall door. 

Her face was a little blotchy, but she quickly cleaned up as best she could at the sink. She turned towards him and said, “On one condition”

“What’s that?”

“You tell me why me winning on Countdown made me your hero”

Darn. He knew this would happen. He really didn’t want to tell her. But she was obviously looking for a cue that he was earnest and him opening up with this was a way to make sure it wasn’t part of a larger joke. Decisions, decisions. Fine then. He’d tell her. Hopefully his wanting to repay her would end here. Probably not though. 

“It was that….woman… that you beat. I don’t like her and she and my aunt are always gossiping and she’s just an all around unpleasant woman. Anyways, she had gone on for a whole month about how great it was that she was smart enough to go on Countdown. I would hear her tell everyone all about it every time I was in the garden, or mowing, or whatever. Then she learned she was facing some 11 year old. Said that it was such a pity how she would have to crush some child on a national broadcast. Especially when it was live telly” He paused once again remembering that glorious day when he saw her after the broadcast. He didn’t even complain that day after he returned from Miss Figgs house and was told to go prune the bushes. 

He remembered being bummed that he had once again been forced to go to Miss Figgs house while his relatives went into London. Going to her place always meant watching Countdown and dealing with smelly cats. He especially didn’t want to watch because he also thought that Oyster from No. 6 would win and then she would be even more insufferable for the foreseeable future. Hearing a cough from Hermione, he continued. 

“Anyways after you beat her, for the next week and a half, people who missed the show would constantly approach her and ask how it went. Her face. Without fail. Every time. Would scrunch up in the most unpleasant ways and she would stutter and run back into her house. It was glorious! She felt the shame she deserved! I heard her crying about it three different times!” Realizing he sounded a little overzealous in his enjoyment at that tickle pitcher’s pain, he calmed himself and continued, “So that’s why you’re my hero.”

He waited for her reply. She was obviously trying to process what she’d just been told. He tried guessing what she was thinking based on her facial features. He clearly didn’t know how to read her though because she certainly didn’t reply with what he guessed was going to be admiration. Man was she hard to read. 

“Like I said, you are weird. This oddly did make me feel better though. She was certainly rude before and after the show. But no I don’t want to play any part of that game, I will go the feast with you though. Also please don’t call me Countdown”

Success! Well he’d still call her Countdown, in his head. That was a surprisingly hard habit to break. He really didn’t know what to say next though so he motioned towards the door while giving her a smile. Hopefully that was all the emotional talking they would do for the foreseeable future as well. 

However, before they made it to the door he could hear Ron screaming for him and Hermione. Turning towards her he asked if she heard what Ron was saying. “something something…‘oll’ what’s an “oll?”

Hermione grew serious again and said, “He said there’s a troll outside the bathroom.”

________________________

My second ever piece of fanfic/writing that has been burning in my mind. Please let me know what you think! I think I fixed all the grammar issues. I’m from the U.S. but tried making it Britishified. 

For those wondering, Countdown is a British show that has been on air since the 80’s. I admittedly only know about it because of it’s spin-off, 8 out of 10 Cats does Countdown. That one is hilarious and I recommend a watch. You can find it on YouTube.

Hogwarts’ Got Talent 

Following the success of Britain's Got Talent, and wanting everyone to think that Hogwarts isn't mired in the past, Headmistress McGonagall decides to hold a Talent show open to everyone 1st year to 8th year, with the judges being the senior staff. Prizes range from a "get out of detention" card to merchandise from Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. 

Entries range from a Ravenclaw first year boy who burped the opening stanza to Rule Britannia, all the way up to a group of 8th year Slytherins re-enacting Chaucer's Canterbury Tales in the original language.

Hermione’s team entry was Henry V's speech "Eve of Saint Crispin's Day. With her were a bunch of elves, including Kreacher.

https://youtu.be/A-yZNMWFqvM

Ron's entry was seed spitting targets at various distances.

Harry's entry was to perform Blackaliscious' Alphabet Aerobics.

https://youtu.be/aKdV5FvXLuI

Broke Pottery

It wasn't the first time some girl had wanted to marry Harry, only to find out that the legendary Potter wealth was just that...a legend. Truth was, the Potter Family was financially on par with the Weasleys. 

At least, that's what Harry told everyone.

***

Ginny Weasley snuggled up to Harry one evening, tracing her finger lightly over his hand, "I can't wait until we get married, Harry."

Harry was ambivalent, "Should be interesting at least. Actually, I'm glad that it's you I'm dating. All the others were rather put out by one key fact. Well, two really; the fact that you grew up like me ought to make things simple."

Frowning, Ginny sat up as she tried to make sense of his statement, "What do you mean? Which key fact, and what do you mean I grew up like you?"

Harry smiled lovingly, "Well, just that (and I mean no disrepect), but you and I grew up on a tight budget; what with not having much money." He reached for her hand to kiss.

"But, I thought..." She trailed off uncertainly. 

He gave her a mild patronizing look over his glasses, "Ginny, think of how many wars, political problems, and trips on the 'Beggars Circuit' has Dumbledore gone on over the years. Yes, maybe at one time prior to the turn of the century, we Potters were wealthy; but not after all that. Don't worry, I can get pretty much any job I want in the Ministry. I figure we could live with your parents until I can afford a flat in Diagon Alley. It'll be great, you'll see!"

***

Two days later, Ginny dumped him for an established pureblood from Ravenclaw. Oddly, Harry wasn't too fussed by the break-up. Neville cornered him one afternoon, "I'm sorry to hear about your break-up, but you've got me confused. Why aren't you moping and lamenting your lot in life?"

Glancing around to make sure they couldn't be overheard, Harry explained, "Ginny was just one more in a long line of girls, or their mothers wanting to marry their daughters, to me and get access to my Family vaults. By spreading the idea that we're actually near flat broke, it shakes out the gold-diggers from the ones who might actually be worth the effort."

Neville nodded sagely, "Ah, like Daphne, Hermione, Susan, or even Luna."

Harry grinned, pleased that his best friend understood, "My account manager was in full agreement with my idea to create a phony vault and leave it nearly empty with only enough money to cover my tuition and a little bit for incidentals then let word slip that the Potters weren't the fabulously wealthy family everyone thought we were."

Neville was relieved, "I'm glad that happened, Harry. I was all set to offer you a gentleman's loan to get you back on your feet."

Harry clapped him on the shoulder, "Never fear, Neville old chap; I've got a bunch of tricks up my sleeve that I've yet to bring into play!”

Puh-lease, I would much prefer...

6th year, Harry was getting annoyed with Ginny's repeated attempts to get between him and Hermione. He had told her time and time again that interfering with the betrothal of a Ancient and Most Noble House such as his would probably end up with her being thrown in prison, if she was lucky.

As he and Hermione were climbing the stairs to head back to the Gryffindor common room, Hermione caught the sight of the younger girl ghosting them a couple of flights away. "Harry, she's following us again."

Harry glanced behind them briefly, "She could just be heading back like we are. If she doesn't break off after we enter; I'll speak with her."

***

Sure enough, after entering the portal and getting settled on "their" couch, Ginny parked herself on the armchair next to them. She gazed longingly over at them and sighed dreamily.

Harry had enough, "Alright, Ginny! That's enough! You need to learn that I don't want you!"

Puzzlement crept over her face before realization dawned and she snorted in derision, "Harry, I don't know why your mind immediately went and thought that I've been chasing you. I mean sure, when I was eleven and you saved me in the Chamber; you were my hero. But..."

"But?" He prompted.

"But now that I'm older, I've come to understand that aside from providing the...stuff...necessary to make a baby, you don't hold any interest for me."

Eyebrows furrowed in confusion, he cocked his head curiously at her, "Then why do you keep following me?"

Ginny scoffed back, "Puh-lease, I'm not chasing YOU (she pointed at Hermione); I'm chasing HER! Those long, toned legs, hips that sway oh-so-seductively, the way her eyes light up when confronted with learning something new? Oh, and let's not forget the tummy-fluttering feeling I get whenever she bites her lower lip!" Ginny resumed her near-drooling, dreamy gaze, "Yeah..."

The whole room was silent after Ginny's declaration. Harry was secretly glad that Ron wasn’t there; he'd probably make a scene. Hermione in the meantime, was blushing madly as she couldn't quite meet the younger girl's eyes, "I'm flattered, Ginny but I'm not...that way. What happened between you and Luna?"

Ginny shrugged, "Luna’s been lusting after Neville (Neville squeaked in surprise.) We occasionally make time for each other, but we know nothing will last between us." She shoved Harry out of the way and took his spot on the couch next to Hermione, gently caressing her arm, "You sure I can't tempt you? It's not like it has to be forever. One night, I promise; that's all."

Hermione glanced frantically at Harry, pleading with her eyes for him to intervene. "Ginny," he interjected, "You can see that you're making Hermione uncomfortable here. Why don't the two you go up to your dorm to discuss things privately." Hermione's eyes snapped open in near panic but reluctantly allowed Ginny to escort her upstairs.

They weren't seen for the rest of the night.

***

The next morning, Harry found Hermione sitting and reading in her favorite spot, "Morning; did everything resolve itself last night?"

Hermione gave him a narrowed eyed heated glare, "I don't know what to say to you right now." Harry slowly backed away. "That said, I'm grateful that you suggested we go upstairs to 'discuss things.'"

"Uh-huh, and what were the results?"

Her glare turned cheeky, "She managed to convince me to spend the night with her. That girl's got one talented tongue." She rose to her feet and headed out, her hips swaying seductively, leaving a stupefied Harry in her wake.

Chapter Text

Neville Lothario Longbottom, Ladies and Gentlemen!

(Created by JBSteele in response to a comment made by me regarding a NL/AS pairing to Jadesabrexiv; Prompts list comments section, Chapter 17, page 8)

{ "Can you imagine Neville getting it on with all three of the legendary Flying Foxes of Gryffindor?"

There's a reason why Luna starts drooling when she's in his presence... }

***

Neville tumbled through the portrait and caught his foot on the edge, falling to the floor with a muffled ummph! Everyone could see that his face, neck, and the bits of his shoulders uncovered by a badly-buttoned shirt was covered in smears of lipstick.

"Nev? What the hell happened to you?" Harry asked, incredulity staining the edges of his voice.

"Er... nothing! Can't talk now!"

Neville picked himself up off the floor and shambled off toward the dorm and a hot shower. As he did so, his shirt rode up in the back and they could see scratches and more lip marks. Silence reigned in the Common Room as they watched him go. Harry turned to see Hermione focused on her work, mostly, but with a tiny smile on her face.

"Wot?"

The quintessentially Britishism fell from Harry's confused lips and was cut off by the sound of the portrait opening up. Everyone could distinctly hear the sound of a snicker coming from the Fat Lady. There wasn't time to wonder much more as Katie minced in, smiling hugely. Her glance went to the very spot Neville had landed earlier, seeing the faint impressions of the potting soil he was prone to collect in his pockets having fallen out.

"I see he actually made it," was her only comment before heading up to her dorm.

Looks were exchanged and several mouths were opening to ask the obvious question when the portrait opened up again. This time it was Angelina. She stepped through and said nothing, but followed in the general direction Katie had gone. Everyone could see that she was limping a bit. That in itself was odd enough that the questions in everyone's minds found themselves joined by a multitude more.

"What's going on here?" Ron had finally caught up. Normally, he was quicker than Harry to respond but he had been wondering what was up with Neville. He wasn't alone in that. The few girls still in the Common Room had been doing the same thing.

"Mate, I don't have the..." Harry was cut off again by the opening of the portrait again. This time, gales of laughter could clearly be heard. Alicia fell through the opening, the smile on her face undisturbed as she landed right in the same remnants of potting soil that Angelina had spied.

"Nevvie..." she moaned, in tones reminiscent of... well, like Luna had been yesterday at lunch. Harry automatically went to help his teammate up, only to find that she had wiggled her way up by using the wall to help. She giggled and jiggled her way to the dorm, where other sounds of merriment and some rather explicit phrases could be heard in snatches of sound as the doors opened, then closed.

Harry looked around to see more confusion than amusement in the faces around him even as the sound of mighty snoring could be heard from the boys' dorm.

"Does anyone get the feeling they've totally lost the plot sometimes?"

Many quick nods came his way, the only answers he would get.

***

The Weasley twins scrambled to grab their book in a mad quest to see who, if any, had made a bet on Neville Longbottom to score on any level. Fred croaked, "Hermione..." He coughed once and repeated louder, "Hermione, you won the pool at (insert long-shot odds of choice.) As soon as we run the numbers, we'll give you the results."

The Hogwarts Gossip Girls, Lavender and Parvati, sat there in stunned amazement as well. There had been NOTHING on the gossip grapevine to even hint of such a scenario! The two glanced at each other before dashing off towards the trio's dorm room.

Excited squeals were heard briefly as the door opened and shut.

***

The next morning - after the Hogwarts' Exclusive Reports Gossip Mill had broken the scoop - there was almost a complete attendance early. Even the students that had needed to attend an Astronomy practical were there, waiting through their many yawns. The only ones that failed to be there were a couple of seventh-years that were out of Hogwarts to attend to their respective House businesses, and neither one would be happy to learn that they had missed the excitement.

All the professors, even Snape, sat at their positions. Dumbledore was there earlier than usual and had admitted why while under McGonagall's Number Four Penetrative Inquiry stare.

"I was curious, Minerva. This is better than the Wizarding Wireless' productions of "John's Other Witch" or "The Archers."

That wasn't something that she could disprove, although she enjoyed the second one herself. Her glances to the main door betrayed the fact that she was waiting for a specific person to show up.

Potter was the next person to enter, along with Miss Granger. She was looking smug about something and he was looking a bit gobsmacked. It wasn't the usual Transfiguration assignment gobsmack or the rabid Death Eater gobsmack or even the fangirl saucy offerings gobsmack - although by now he really should be used to the second or third ones - but the look he got on his face when Miss Granger demonstrated yet again why she was the Brightest Witch of Her Age.

McGonagall shared a look with Professor Snape on one side and Professor Flitwick on the other. All three sighed, although Snape's was more minute. The boy really should be used to that by now, too.

"Usual stakes?" she asked the others.

A bit of wordless communication, and the other two agreed with nods.

"Stakes?" asked Dumbledore, who hadn't been part of the agreement but couldn't miss it.

"Yes, Albus, stakes. I'll explain more to you when you get the..."

She was cut off by the abrupt rise in conversation from the House tables. All the teachers looked at the main doors at roughly the same moment. A Scottish eyebrow rose, along with several others.

Neville strolled in - swaggered, really - wearing a big deep purple fedora with a wide yellow band holding a large plume of a color that no one could remember ever existing in either nature or magical imagination. The dark color of his robes accentuated the pants that matched the hat with wide hems and highly-polished Oxfords. The wrist cuffs of those same robes had a layer of matching shirt cuffs with glowing threads in yellow. A yellow tie pulsated in four hues of the same bright shade and was impaled through the knot with a diamond stickpin that carried the Longbottom crest. Some of the more eagle-eyed in the Great Hall could see that he had matching cufflinks, as well.

There was silence in the whole area, aside from Dumbledore's approving 'ahem! that didn't disturb any of the others. They watched as Neville made his rounds, stopping at Luna, then Hannah, then Susan, then Katie, Alicia, and Angelina. He dropped a light kiss on each waiting brow before strutting to his place. Everyone could see that there was something in his magical aura that had changed, with each footprint that he left on the Castle's ancient floor crackling with blue, purple, and yellow sparks dimming down into the stone.

They could also see that each girl that had received the light kiss had suddenly wide eyes preceding a drooping posture in their seats, and they wondered what that was all about. At the Staff Table, McGonagall sighed in resigned exasperation. The glances of the girls toward portions of young Longbottom's physique was all too noticeable, and there was more chatter as a result.

'The Longbottom legacy couldnae have waited a few more terms, could it? Now I've got to make arrangements I was hoping to put off for a while yet.' She eyed Miss Lovegood and the others for a moment and sighed again. 'Aye, and soon. I see more family legacies blooming. We went through this with Frank and all the Longbottoms before him.'

She didn't miss the parting of the sea of students that allowed Neville access to his chosen seat. She and Filius traded wry looks as three of 'his girls' loaded up six plates for him before he even noticed. Severus noticed a couple of house-elves wiping their eyes with pride as they looked at the boy, and wondered what that was about. He traded his own glance with Minerva, and sighed. The event that they had dreaded was upon them, even if the other professors - Dumbledore included - had no clue what was about to happen.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and several others from several Houses looked on and wondered what was going to happen next?

***

Harry felt relief after taking some time to process his feelings. 'Neville deserves the attention,' he mused. For too long his best friend had been viewed as the bumbling, sandy-haired boy who was always losing Trevor, or fumbling in Potions.

Hermione, on the other hand, was joyously happy that Neville was enjoying his new status amongst the school population. 'Maybe now, Harry won't have to split his time trying to fend off the other desperate witches and spending more time on his studies and with me.'

Ron? Well, he spied the food on the table and no longer cared about anything else.

***

Minerva sighed as she opened up the Lord's Quarters on the Fourth floor. She'd hoped that this tradition had fallen by the wayside, but unfortunately with Mr. Longbottom's current situation, it was apparently not going to happen. 

After overseeing the setup, she rounded up Neville’s girls and admonished each of them that they were still students and members of their respective Houses. "You will keep any...activities, within the confines of your residence here. This is a school with impressional children, not a carnal den of iniquity."

As she strode away, she began wondering if she ought to set up another room for Mr. Potter too.

McGonagall's Guide to Identifying Weasleys 

It started simply at first when Charlie Weasley began his first year at Hogwarts after his elder brother Bill. Minerva had made the classic mistake when siblings were within earshot of each other when calling out, "Mr. Weasley!"

She began referring to Bill as "This one" and Charlie as "That one;" though when Percy joined the ranks, he became known as "The Other one."

By the time that the Twins had arrived, Minerva had settled on the idea that there would only be three designations of Weasley. As they aged out, each Weasley would shift upwards. 

Then she learned that the youngest son would be starting and be at the school during the same time as his brothers. She puzzled over the conundrum until it became patently clear that she needed to add a fourth title to the list.

So that's how, on 1 September 1991; Ronald Bilius Weasley became known simply as, "You."

No! Not the Photo Album!

Jily lives; 2nd year.

Lily thinks that sending a Howler to your misbehaving child is crass and shows ill-breeding. Instead, she hits upon a method of social punishment that is guaranteed to make Harry stop getting into trouble!

Harry spotted his mum as she entered the Great Hall and gulped at the sight of the book in her arms. Neville noticed and nudged his godbrother, "What's wrong?"

"I am in such deep shit, right now," Harry groaned and thumped his head on the table.

Puzzled, Neville tries to see what Mrs. Potter is carrying, "I don't get it."

Lily determinedly stepped up to the podium and tapped the bell, "May I have everyone's attention, please? My son, Harry, recently got in trouble for (author's choice of crime) and rather than sending him a Howler, which clearly doesn't seem to be effective (she pointedly glanced over at the Weasley Twins); I have a better solution. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you... Harry Potter's baby photos!!"

The whole hall erupted in eager pandemonium as the girls pushed forward to get the best viewing angle. Instead of being swamped, Lily used a little-known feature of the podium to display the photos using the Grand Ceiling as a projector.

For a week after the public showing, Harry was repeatedly tormented for (insert author's choice of embarrassing baby moments.) Things did settle down a bit after a while much to Harry's relief. Unfortunately for the male population (and some of the female portion), their respective mothers started getting into the act. It quickly became a regular part of the evening's entertainment for an aggrieved mother to embarrass the shit out their errant child.

Throughout it all, the Twins and Ron had been teasing the guilty victim; spreading their embarrassment by sharing copies of the photos in the form of large banner-sized colllages hung in the Common rooms (courtesy of the elves.) 

It was the next evening when Molly Weasley showed up carrying her own set of albums and a vindictive glint in her eyes as she glared at her three youngest sons.

Kreacher loves his Mistress

It was Forbidden. Taboo. Scandalous. If her family, friends, or society found out about them; it would be the death of both.

Kreacher would always play the part of dutiful elf when in the presence of company, but when all the guests had left, and Orion and the boys were asleep; Walburga Black always welcomed Kreacher in with a smile and a lingering kiss. While Kreacher couldn't consumate their love simply because elf reproduction biology was different from a human's; there were plenty of other ways he could make his Mistress happy.

After Regulus died, followed by Orion, then compounded with Sirius being banished from the House and later arrested; Walburga slipped into a deep depression. Yet through it all, he remained at her side. 

Trolls aren't stupid, they're mute!

What if by "sheer dumb luck" Harry made an important discovery about Trolls while rescuing Hermione during the bathroom scene?

Subconsciously making the (BSL) sign for "peace," Harry surprises the Troll who calms down and signs back, "I'm lost. I have no idea how I got here. I want to go home."

Signing back, "I don't know how you got here either. Let's wait until my elders arrive."

When Minerva and the others arrive, they're flabbergasted to see a full-grown Mountain Troll signing to Harry, Hermione, and Ron (with Harry translating quite fluently.)

Newt’s Not a Nitwit

Newton Scamander, to most people is a shy, self-effacing sort of person who can relate to animals better than he does people.

That's what he wants everyone to think.

The reality is that he's just as cunning as the best Slytherin, and it's all because of Albus Dumbledore. 

***

It was after the New York incident, Albus was continually attempting to sucker Newt into another one of the old man's convoluted plans to deal with Gellert Grindlewald. During one such meeting, a flash of light occurred just as Scamander apparated to Dumbledore's position. Albus blinked rapidly and glanced around in confusion; somehow, he ended up on the ground looking up at a worried Newton and stammered, "Oh, pardon me, my boy; I don't know what happened."

Newton waved it off, "I've seen things happen like that before, Albus. A bright flash of light off one of the buildings and the brain just shuts down. Occurs all the time to birds."

***

What Albus didn't know though, was that Newton had conspired with an Unspeakable to knock Albus out and engrave a rune array permanently on the man's skull. The purpose of the array would be to force Albus to tell the unvarnished truth without realizing it.

As the events of cloak and dagger conspiracy continue revolving around Grindlewald, Newt comes to learn that Albus is not as Light as he's led everyone to believe.

Now, what to do with that information though...

Don't say a word against the cooking!

Created by: u/OdysseyPrime9789 (Reddit)

Prompt: Voldemort insults Molly Weasley’s cooking and gets murdered by his own Death Peckers.

Even Lucius and Bellatrix try it. Lucius because the rivalry between him and Arthur started over Molly choosing Arthur, but he still remembered the taste of her pies and Narcissa and other pureblood women would secretly use Elves to buy her food. Bellatrix may be jealous that Arthur got with Molly instead of her, and she may or may not have used a blood ritual to bind her reproductive organs to only respond to his genetic material when she was a teenager, but she will be the first to admit that Molly's cooking is a lot better than her own, and she'll fight anyone who insults it.

Excerpt from Gilderoy Lockhart's book ‘Magical Me!’

"Me me me me!" I lorded over everyone else who aren't as brilliant as me.

"I am the greatest, the best-looking, everything must be about me!"

"You shall all kneel before me because I have the best of everything!"

"I have the best words, I have the best hair, I have the best clothes! Me!"

All around Gilderoy, the sheep of the magical world fawned over their Savior as he paraded through the streets. He had just climbed the steps leading to Gringotts where those nasty little blighters would open their vaults to him when his perfect ears picked up a loud, harsh buzzing noise.

***

"Mr. Lockhart, can you hear me?" Gilderoy's eyes snapped open to take in the odd sight before him. The man looked familiar but he couldn't place him.

"Ah, good. You are awake. Now come along, it's bath time," the orderlie beckoned him. Gilderoy smiled dreamily as he passed the window, the sign outside was a pleasant peacock blue, and read, "Saint Mungo's Spell Damage Ward; Long-term Care."

He started humming a tuneless song, "Me, me, me, it's so wonderful to be Magical Me!"

Ghosting Apparition, Harry?

Of all the magical talents a witch or wizard could have, Harry got the coolest in his opinion. For as long as he could remember he's always been able to walk through walls and doors just like a ghost would.

Now, fear not; Harry's not dead, not by a long shot but there have been times while he was growing up that Uncle Vernon wished the boy would make some noise when entering the room.

It wasn't like his "ghosting" as Petunia had once described it was a conscious decision. He'd just walk to wherever he wanted to go, corners, walls, or doors be damned and appear at his destination like well, a ghost. The same thing was true going up and down stairs too. He'd just know that he needed to be wherever and...emerge from the walls.

***

First year at Hogwarts was an incredible experience, beyond being able to study real magic. All those different rooms, floors, and sometimes mind-boggling ability of the castle to twist and contort itself in dizzying fashion. When he learned of what awaited him at the end of the third floor gauntlet, he just had to go take a look.

Both Albus and Quirrellmort were mystified when the Philosopher's Stone suddenly went missing a day after the Mirror of Erised was moved.

***

Second year, Dobby found his jaw scraping the floor when despite his best efforts, the Great Harry Potter Sir just walked through the temporarily sealed King's Cross station barrier as if it were smoke and vapor.

And so it went, any time someone thought they were able to corral and detain Harry, he would just smirk and ghost out. 

Honestly, the only people who were able to get Harry to stay put for very long were his three girlfriends. Hermione, Daphne, and Luna were his closest female friends (though Harry was thoroughly enraptured by Hermione, not that he'd admit it out loud for fear of embarrassing her or the other two.) Heaven help him when the Yule Ball came around!

A Little Payback Never Hurts

Fem!Harry, 3rd year

Annoyed from having to tip-toe around the Weasley Twins who had no problems pranking anything or anyone; Holly Potter decided enough was enough.

First she approached Professor Flitwick for his assistance in casting a variant of the Protean Charm, then enlisted the aid of one of the Hogwarts elves to deliver a pair of conjoined notebooks to both Molly and Arthur Weasley (just in case.) The Protean Charm had been modified and combined with a double whammy of a Compulsion and Legilimency so that whatever the Twins were planning, they'd make sure to write it down with great detail in their gifted 'Never-ending Notebook' which was tied to the books that their parents had.

Now all Holly had to do was sit back and watch the proverbial feathers fly when both Weasley parents showed up to the school to deal with their misbehaving children.

Let's make music together

During the Second Blood War, Harry and Hermione communicated with each other, as well as the rest of the Order by coming up with a cipher that Voldemort and his forces never figured out. Even when the messages were intercepted, all anyone found were bundles of sheet music.

At first, the Dark side thought that they needed to be played; but other than some nice tunes, it didn't reveal any secrets.

***

After the war, both Potters were invited to share their work in cryptography at a symposium hosted by the ICW DoM.

Hermione stepped up to the podium admist the applause, "Thank you for this opportunity. So, during the war we discovered a little-known cipher to encode messages within music. A Solfa Cipher encodes each letter as a scale degree (Do, Re, Mi, etc) and note length (1, 2, 3, 4), but the true cipher is the actual music. Changing the Solfa Key disguises the message by changing the notes in the melody. If you only share the notes, someone will need to know your Key to decipher."

Harry stood next to her, a large grin on his face, "According to our spies, the Death Eaters were spending hours at a time trying divine some meaning behind the music; but of course, they never could.”

(Type 'harry potter hermione granger' into the text field then play the cipher tuner at the bottom of the page: https://wmich.edu/mus-theo/solfa-cipher/ )

The Worst Unforgivable of them all!

I had this headcanon that during the Moody/Crouch DADA class when he asks the kids how many Unforgivables there are, Hermione says, "Four, sir."

Crouch turned, confused, "Four? What makes you think that?"

Hermione gave him a withering look, "Because the fourth is the most heinous of them all."

Crouch surreptitiously swallowed hard, this girl was giving him the same glare Bella did whenever someone challenged her. "And what are the Four Unforgivables then?"

"Imperious, Cruciatus, Killing, and by far the worst one; The Woman's Curse!"

Every girl in the class let out a loud (in some cases growling), "Amen!"

Every male in the room flinched.

Taken out of play by a WHAT??

What if things had gone differently for both the Light and Dark when Voldemort had apparated to Godric's Hollow on Halloween of 1981.

Namely, what if Voldemort had accidentally apparated in front of a lorry? 

***

Now, Fate had two options. Leave Voldemort badly broken, bleeding out on the street with a crowd of onlookers (and potentially Aurors) and eventually saved, OR snatch the bastard up and ship him off to the Afterlife Receiving Department.

Pressed for time, Fate took a page out of Chance's playbook and flipped a coin... Heads, Voldemort gets arrested; tails he dies.

Fate flipped the coin and watched as it spun end over end before catching it; the reveal showing it... Tails!

With that, the life force of Tom Marvolo Riddle aka Lord Voldemort faded from his eyes.

***

When Albus found out about it, he raged and yelled, "This wasn't how it was supposed to be! How the Hell did this happen?!"

What no one knew (other than the folks in the Prophecy Department of the Afterlife) was that nowhere did it state that the "Chosen One" HAD to be magical. As it turned out, the lorry driver (author chooses name) and his parents had three prior encounters with Voldemort (not that either side knew it) when the Dark targeted the muggles for fun. By not dying during those three events, the driver essentially became the one born to those who have thrice defied him. As for the Power He Knew Not; well, Tom never learned how to drive...

***

With Voldemort gone, the war was effectively over. James and Lily survived to raise Harry. Albus held steadfast to his belief that Voldemort wasn't truly gone and would return. This set off alarm bells in Lily's mind so she contacted a friend of hers with whom she could not speak of (Author’s choice of Unspeakable) to look deeper into Albus' declaration. 

Fast forward ten years, the magical world is utterly different. (Author’s choice as to what happens after that Halloween.)

Tailor made...

(Co-created by myself and Yvette Hobbs)

Ever heard of the Big Texan food challenge?

Someone taking the challenge has an hour to finish a 72 oz steak, 45 oz drink, large salad, shrimp cocktail or fries, and a dinner roll plus a large baked potato. Then finished all that off with an after-dinner milkshake. 

I'm thinking this: during one summer while at Hogwarts, Hermione gets the okay for Harry and Ron to go on vacay with her family, as long as it's only for a week for the boys. Grangers go to the USA. Harry and Hermione tell Mr Granger about Ron's appetite, so to 'test' that, they go to the Big Texan. Harry and Hermione challenge Ron to try the challenge, saying if he can do it, (author's choice of penalty), but if he CAN'T, Ron has to do his homework and revising at school with no help from Hermione, AND he isn't allowed to bring up Quidditch or chess all school year.

With an evil glint in Ron's eye; he cracks his knuckles and loosens up his neck. He then says three words that will later induce nightmares in the restaurant staff, "I've got this."

Can you imagine the looks on H/Hr's faces while Ron does it, especially if he wins the challenge? You not only get your name on the Wall of Fame with your time, you get a photo taken, which Ron would love showing off.

Chapter Text

Three words...

It was approaching Luna's birthday yet neither Harry nor Hermione could figure out what to get for the quirky blonde.

Round and round, both teens went but they could not figure it out until a week before, Peeves said something that caught their attention. Both teens turned wide-eyed to each other before dashing off to the owlry.

***

The morning of February 13th dawned light and bright; as if morning knew what felt right. The three teens sat down together as Harry plopped their gift on Luna's lap and mysteriously stated, "Three words."

On the note, it read, "By hook or by crook; we had to look; it stood to reason, that this was the season; to fill the day with mirth for tis the day of your birth!"

Grinning broadly, Luna ripped off the paper before letting out a squeal of delight. Inside her gift was a complete hardbound set of Dr. Suess books with full colored illustrations! She promptly tackled her friends in a joyous hug before pressing both to read the first story to her.

Later as Luna joined them in bed, she lightly kissed Hermione, "So what were those three words Harry implied?"

Hermione shrugged, "I don't know about him, but for me? I would go with 'I love you.'"

Harry joined them next and got the same question. He smiled enigmatically, "They are whichever ones you want, Love."

Help will be provided to those who ask for it

4th year, during the conversation about the rules of the TWT.

"During this tournament, you are not allowed to ask for help by any of your teachers," Crouch droned on. Harry's eyebrows perked up a bit as a stray thought hit him. 

When Crouch and Bagman left, Harry turned to the others, "Well, Lady and gentlemen; it seems obvious to me that to get around that rule, what we need to do is temporarily apprentice with the teachers from the opposite school. Seeing as Headmaster Karkaroff and I have a rather strong animosity, I propose that I visit with Headmistress Maxine. Cedric, you're welcome to join me or go to Durmstrang. Fleur? Victor? The same applies to you."

He wasn't expecting much and he was right. The only response he received were incredulous stares for a long minute before slow grins crept across the contestants faces. Cedric snorted in laughter, clapped him on the shoulder, and addressed the room, "And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what happens when Harry Potter learns from the brilliant and logical mind of Hermione Granger."

"But what if they do not teach you what you need to know?" Minerva pressed.

Harry gave the others an imperious sneer (Severus inwardly found it mildly impressive), "Then it would show them to be frauds and charlatans, unable to provide the best education to anyone who needs help. The Court of Public Opinion would judge them harshly."

(Author’s choice who goes where and what level of help is provided.)

Harry Potter? Who's that?

Albus Dumbledore thought he was so smart. Weave together a series of wards to protect the Potter boy to shield him against those who would do him harm while at the same time allow the muggle Dursleys to browbeat him into becoming the malleable, easily-led weapon against the Dark. When the boy was old enough, he would look upon Albus' rescue from the drudgery of the non-magical world with everlasting gratitude. 

Albus finished setting the wards then tied them to the boy, powering them to the lad's magic and blood.

***

The problem with Albus' idea was that Lily Potter was onto his game and laid in some secret enchantments she'd developed using Potter Family Magic she told no one about. Those enchantments, once tied to the wards, altered them so that anyone with ill-intent towards her son would forget that he ever existed (as well as breaking any animosity-generated wards geared to Petunia.) As such, Harry grew up loved enough that he didn't think too highly of the headmaster especially once Petunia showed him the letter that had been left attached to his baby blanket.

***

Flash forward to September 1st, Harry boarded the train and settled in next to a sandy-haired boy by the name of Neville Longbottom. He held out his hand and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Harry. Harry Potter."

Neville was surprised but still shook Harry's hand in return, "Hi, Harry."

Draco showed up a little later and stuck his head in, "Longbottom. (His eyes flicked over to Harry) Who are you?"

Harry smiled, "I'm Harry Potter."

Draco thought for a moment then shrugged, "Never heard of you."

***

At the Sorting when Harry's name was called, no one reacted other than a couple of whispers wondering where this kid would go, or when did the Potters have a kid. Albus stared at the boy in consternation, "I would swear I've seen him before. Meh, it's unimportant right now."

Severus as well was having a moment of confusion, "When did Lily have a child? He's got her eyes and Potter's face."

Throughout Harry's time at school, both Albus and Severus puzzled over the mystery of who this kid was supposed to be. "Harry Potter? Who's that?" When Harry faced Quirrellmort down in the 3rd floor gauntlet, Voldemort's response to the boy's appearance was, "Harry Potter? Who's that?"

***

Later, the original shade asked the same question right before Harry shoved a blade through the demon's heart. "I don't know who you are, but I cannot be defeated!"

Harry's eyes glowed with righteous fury, "No one gives a shit, Tom. Now die, you sick freak! I am Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, Prophecised Chosen One, and the last sight you'll ever see."

As Voldemort lay there dying, there was only one thought floating around in his mind, "Harry Potter? Who's that?”

In the beginning...

Ever wondered just how far back the Potter Family went before the age of Linifred of Stitchcombe? Who it was that became the first of a long and proud magical heritage?

More importantly, how they became magical?

***

Hermione had figured out long ago after going through the Arithmancy and genetic research that it was statistically impossible for a muggle to have a magical child without there being SOMEONE in the past possessing the magical gene in the first place.

Digging through the research, she concluded that roughly about the same time that modern humans started appearing on the world stage, and the proto-Goblins aka Neanderthals, were being pushed into the caverns deep underground; there was a third species that had evolved alongside them all. Close enough in appearance to humans, this third group would intermarry and begat children with them, embuing one critical and special talent: magic.

***

Harry leant over her shoulder to peer at what she was doing. The math made no sense to him but the rest of it made him understand why it felt like he shared a kinship with Dobby. "You almost done for the night?" Kissing and nibbling on her neck, making her mewl with pleasure.

Fighting to retain her quickly slipping composure, Hermione spared a glance up at him, "I'll be ready in five minutes. Go warm up the bed."

Harry winked, "I've got the perfect song to play tonight. Ah, push it! Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby!"

Giving him a single raised eyebrow, Hermione watched with deeply-lidded lustful eyes as Harry merely winked and left the room.

***

The next morning, Harry and Hermione padded into the kitchen to find nearly every flat surface buried with crates filled with documentation and pictures. "What the..."

Dobby popped in, "Good morning, you look like you had fun last night. Sounded like it too." Hermione's blush bloomed brightly, Harry just looked proud. "I took the liberty to examine your research and brought elven copies of our ancient records in relation to the earliest days of human magic. From what I read of your conclusions, you weren't even close to why the ancients started marrying and having children with humans."

Startled, Hermione sank into a chair, "Where did I go wrong?"

Dobby had a serious expression on his face, "The ancient elves were looking to save ourselves from ourselves. Much in the same genetic bottleneck that modern purebloods created, elves were in danger of inbreeding ourselves to extinction."

Hermione gasped, "You mean?"

Dobby took a deep breath to start the tale, "In the beginning...”

Are we being entertained yet?

4th year, First Task

Harry stepped out into the arena carrying a clipboard and pulling a wagon loaded with tools behind him. The crowd was confused, they could be heard muttering amongst themselves and to each other. The dragon was watching him warily.

"Good afternoon, Madam; I believe you're here for the eleven am spa treatment including a scale cleaning?"

The dragon blinked back in stunned surprise before rumbling, "Spa treatment? Scale cleaning?"

Harry gave the Horntail a warm smile, "Of course, my dear. You were not aware of the contest you won? Three days, two nights vacation with travel and lodging pre-paid along with a full day of primping and pampering."

The Horntail's mouth dropped open before she slightly relaxed her position around her nest. She allowed Harry to approach and watched him attentively as he scraped and picked the debris from her tail spikes, cleaned old wounds, and kept up a lively chatter about some of the sightseeing to be had while there in Scotland. 

As Harry worked, the crowd was getting restless (except for Hermione and a couple of others who were planning on going into the animal care field.) Bagman called out a question on the loudspeaker but was merely waved at. 

Turning slightly, Harry peered at her clutch of eggs, "Do you know which genders you'll be having?"

The Horntail sighed in contentment as the human worked on a particular knot in her left wing, "Two boys, four girls."

"What about the other egg?"

The Horntail frowned in confusion, "I only have six eggs." She picked her head up and looked carefully at her clutch, instantly spotting there were only five of hers, and that one egg was not like the others; the TRUE egg was nowhere to be found. "My egg! Where is it?! Who took it?!" 

Harry backed off as she lumbered to her feet and started hunting for her egg, "My Lady, please! I'll help you look for it. If you'll let me take that golden one, I can compare it to the real one?"

The fake egg was handed over to him, which he promptly took behind a curtained opening, talking the entire way. A brief moment passed before she heard him call out, "FOUND IT!" He emerged from the backroom carrying the real egg in his arms and shaking his head in exasperation, "The organizers of the spa mistakenly swapped it for another dragon's egg. Here you go, Madam." He gently placed the egg amongst the others and resumed his work.

As he continued, the dragon handlers crept out and stunned the Horntail allowing Harry to bow to an astonished crowd.

***

When the scores were given out, it wasn't surprising that Karkaroff gave him the lowest points. The others too gave low scores; but Harry was unconcerned, "You idiots continue to persist in the perverse belief that I want to be a Champion in this misbegotten tournament. I have not, will not, nor EVER consider myself to be a school champion. Hogwarts already has one, and his name is Cedric Diggory! Give me zeroes for all that it matters; I just want to survive then wash my hands of this farce."

He turned to face the crowd and bellowed, "Are You Not Entertained? Are You Not Entertained? Is This Not Why You Are Here? Perhaps it's time to call in some debts to prove that I'm serious about having never entered myself. (He held up his wand) Perhaps I should link everyone's Life Debts they owe me for defeating the Dark Lord to my survival of this tournament; maybe then you'll support me in determining which miscreant was responsible for putting my name in the Goblet! Maybe then you all will stop treating me like I'm some sort of cheat and liar! Maybe then the Ministry will get off its arse and figure out how to get me out of these obligations. If I die or become grievously injured, you'd all lose your magic. Let's see how many of you could survive living as muggles in punishment for your atrocious behavior and treatment of me!"

No one dared to breathe or move. Harry glared at everyone, including the judges. Dumbledore in particular, looked like he was sucking on a large lemon. His normally twinkling eyes were absent of their sheen. Bagman looked like he was ready to soil himself, while the other judges showed varying degrees of consternation. 

Harry gave one last snort of derision, "I thought so. Cowards, the lot of you." He then turned and stormed off towards the exit where Hermione was anxiously waiting for him.

Which Harry Potter?

What if Lily had pulled a bit of trickery in the final moments before Voldemort came calling? Upon entering, he stopped and stared for a moment. There were three boys, all identical to each other. Lily was standing defensively in front of her sons, ready to take this bastard down if need be; even if she had to die in the attempt.

"Three?" Voldemort sneered.

"Why do you care, you bastard?" She challenged. 

"Because of the Prophecy, mudblood. The Prophecy clearly stated, 'The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches.' I did not expect you to have three, but no matter. I will just have to kill all of you." As he said this, he began raising his wand.

Lily's moment arrived as she pulled the rug out from underneath him; quite literally. As he flailed from the sudden movement, she bodily tackled him to the floor and proceeded to bash his head in until it was a bloody mess. With one more roar of motherly rage, she cast her own killing curse on the Dark Lord. 

In the following silence, she barely gave the corpse a second look as she scrambled back to her babies. She immediately yelled for the Potter elves to come take the boys back to Potter manor before she crept downstairs to see what happened to her husband. 

***

Sirius arrived within moments followed by Hagrid who seemed surprised that Lily was still alive. Lily grabbed Sirius and whispered frantically in his ear to get his mangy butt back to the Manor and await further instructions. "I need you to wait, Sirius. Voldemort mentioned the Prophecy, which means someone other than Dumbledore heard the message. Harry is waiting for his Padfoot; don't disappoint him." Sirius nodded reluctantly, he had wanted to go haring off after Peter since the rat was the known Secret Keeper. 

Lily then turned her gaze onto Hagrid who gulped in not a bit of fear seeing the fire in those green eyes of hers, "How did you know, and why were you surprised to see me still alive? What bullshit has Dumbledore done now?"

***

Armed with the information she pulled out of Hagrid, Lily contacted the Longbottoms and told them to stay undercover, that the Dark Lord's minions would still be out there. "Dumbledore's up to his usual bullshit, Alice. I suspect he was planning on using Harry or Neville for some overly convoluted Greater Good plan. I'm headed home, if you need me; send an elf."

She turned back to a thoroughly scared half-giant, "Now here's what you're going to do..."

***

The next night, Hagrid delivered toddler Harry to his aunt's house just as Dumbledore had ordered him to. Unbeknownst to Albus, the toddler he placed a set of illegal blood wards on wasn't the real Harry Potter but was instead an animated transfigured rabbit plushy. When Petunia discovered the basket in the morning, the timed transfiguration ended leaving behind the toy and two notes; one from Albus, and a single line from Lily. It read, "Let no one forget the Power that is the Evans Sisters! Operation: Retribution is a go!"

Grinning wickedly, Petunia took the basket inside which locked the wards in and setting a new plan for the future of Magical Britain in play.

A rose by any other name

The Weasley twins were always at odds with their mother regarding their penchant for pranking. In their opinion, she was just not seeing the potential in such endeavors. 

It was their third year at Hogwarts when Harry Potter started. After quietly listening to the Twins' latest griping about getting a "Molly Weasley Special," Harry hesitantly approached the infamous "Devil's Carrots."

"Um, Fred? George?" Two pairs of identical eyes swung over to him. "I had an idea on how you could change your mother's mind about your pranks."

An intrigued look slid onto their faces, "Speak to us, young Harry and impart your wisdom."

Harry's voice trembled a bit, this speaking up for himself was still a new thing, "Um, what if you were to rename it from 'pranking' to 'consumer product engineering' or 'material safety, inspection, and testing?' It makes it sound cooler and more important."

Fred glanced at George with a raised eyebrow. George grinned back. Both turned to Harry who gulped nervously. "You sir, are an evil genius."

Relieved that he wasn't going to get yelled at, Harry returned with a small smile of his own.

***

At the start of the second year after Harry finally managed to get on the train (he didn't go with the Weasleys but instead went with Neville); he approached the Twins again carrying a medium-sized box, "Fred? George? I had this made for you." George opened the box to find a supply of neatly stacked business cards which read, "F & G Weasley; Material Safety, Design, and Testing Engineers." It also included their Floo Address down below and a sample of what services they provided.

Both boys' jaws dropped open as their gazes flicked between Harry and the cards. "Now you don't have to do that crazy introduction anymore, unless you really want to. You can hand these out to potential customers, vendors, Ministry officials, etc. It's something that's done all the time and considered professional in the muggle world."

George nudged Fred, "I've said it before about Harry here, 'evil genius.'"

***

Now armed with the cards, and having perfected their sales pitch, the Twins began networking and getting their first non-school sales. Their mother was initially skeptical but after a bit of snooping, she discovered the cards and their journal which covered their intricate business plan as well as contingencies for emergencies (it was Harry's idea to create such things after having spent years listening and observing Vernon at work.)

Flummoxed by how professional the pair are acting, Molly stopped nagging the boys to get 'nice, safe Ministry jobs like their father.' In all honesty, her sudden change of behavior freaked out the boys more than if Dumbledore started dancing the Samba in the middle of the Great Hall.

Oh, Remi!!!

Third year, Shrieking Shack confrontation scene

"He fought very hard against my appointment to the Defense Against the Dark Arts job. He has been telling Dumbledore all year that I am not to be trusted. He has his reasons…you see, Sirius here played a trick on him which nearly killed him, a trick which involved me—"

"It couldn't be so bad as to cause him to carry a grudge for all these years, though," Hermione said reasonably. "I mean, it's not like Mr. Black tried to feed him to you when you were transformed, right?"

There was an awkward silence.

"Well, maybe Snape was warm for your form." Harry suggested blithely.

Again, there was an awkward silence before Sirius let out a strangled whine then doubled over laughing his butt off. "There was that year when all those werewolf romance novels were found. Oh, Remi! I have need of your furry fit body! Oh Remi, you have no idea what your hot and heavy howling does to me!"

Remus rolled his his eyes and looked pained, "Shut up, Padfoot. I'm not like that." Sirius continued to snort and giggle maniacally as he tried to stand up.

Weasley Wizarding Wheezes: Secrets and Scandals

From JBSteele (in response to chapter 9 of my story It's Not Just A Stick: New Year's Growth):

Salazar looked around furtively and tapped his wand on a sequence of bricks. Nothing happened for a few silent moments, then dust flew as the wall he faced shuddered away. He eased into the revealed walkway and moved along a dim corridor until he came to a plain wooden door. He opened that door even as the sound of the wall grinding itself back into existence echoed in the distance. It was but a moment's work to get through the door and close it.

Godric looked up as he saw Salazar enter with a grin on his face.

"Got it?"

"You know I did."

"Well, let's see it!"

The table was cleared - somewhat - and a bundle was revealed. It was a strong chest with a wizard-spaced interior. Opening it revealed that the walls folded back and locked into small shelves and racks, each containing several copies of various things. Everything was neatly arranged and labeled. Godric could see that the chest should have weighed a great deal more than the appearance of ease the other man showed by carrying it in without problems. That wasn't really the main part of his interest, since the two of them had worked together on this chest and both knew what it could do.

"Standing replenishment orders?"

"You know it. Plus options for occasional large job lots."

"Good! Did you get any documentation on what this is?"

"In the side pocket."

Godric found what he'd asked for and took it out. There was a period of silence as he read the parchments and Salazar took the opportunity to fill up the waiting shelves on the stone walls by hand. It wouldn't do to use magic on these items, and both realized that. After roughly twenty minutes Godric snorted to himself, which drew Salazar's attention.

"Well?" the man in green asked.

"I think the girls don't need to know about this right away."

"Of course not! Let's get to work."

They started plotting, with many plans made far into the night along with private bets.

***

Over the next two weeks, various people in the Ministry building found themselves in embarrassing, compromising, and odd situations and no one knew how it had happened. Madam Bones had a good idea after getting caught in a prank that blew her robes up around her shoulders in a giant gust from around her feet, and had a pointed word or twelve with her suspects. No one noticed that she was then the only one that didn't get caught, but she didn't say anything else to anyone.

In fact, she seemed to turn a blind monocle to everything else and continued with her work. She was asked about this and gave a reply that couldn't be denied.

"I pity the fool that forgets constant vigilance."

As this encompassed most of the Ministry that couldn't get mad at her for the truth, she wasn't questioned again. Some people wondered about the late nights she was keeping, with the light under her door and the somewhat manaical laughter that people swore they heard. That wasn't the scariest thing.

No, the scariest thing was the outright beaming smirk on Mad-Eye Moody's face, the rather demented gleam in his good eye and the rather unsettling focus in his magical eye. All of those things and the previously-unthought-to-exist happiness in his voice as a few suggestions were overheard to escape from his lips.

After the two weeks were over, the Weasley Twins found themselves thousands of Galleons richer as the products Salazar had commissioned were surreptitiously purchased by certain people, both in and out of the Ministry. They garnered a reputation for discreet sales, timely fulfillment of said sales, and magical trickery as part of those said sales, although people wondered what Mad-Eye Moody was doing in their new shop so much. He never answered any questions.

There were a lot of people in Unspeakable robes that made up their clientele as well. Nothing was said to them.

There was one downside, however. When Helga and Rowena got wind of what was going on, they decided that things had to be done to answer for all of this malarkey.

What, one might ask?

Suffice it to say that that's another story for another time.

The Queen of the Night

3rd year train heading North

After the train had been abruptly halted, a pair of Dementors started towards the carriage door. As they boarded, the elder of the pair hesitated. "Something is not right, here," it said in an ancient forgotten language. 

His companion shook his head, "You're imagining things. I'm hoping we will get to feast upon of a few of these fresh souls."

As they floated down the hallway, the elder paused in front of one door, "That feeling is coming from here." He reached out and turned the handle, and pulled the door open. He glanced inside and spotted the blonde girl huddled up in between a young teen with raven black hair, and another female with bushy locks. 

Luna peeked out from under her fingers and startled when the Dementor lowered its hood and spoke to her using the driest voice she'd ever heard, "Tun cthl as ghatru, Mal."

Deep within the recesses of her mind came the proper response, "Tun cthl as ghatru, Lun. Ghew ut pliah Har et Her." She gestured towards a utterly flummoxed and woozy yet still curious Harry and Hermione. 

Both Dementors bowed their heads before asking another question to which Luna responded in a seemingly negative manner. As they withdrew, Hermione grabbed Luna's arm and demanded, "What was THAT all about?"

"That was me speaking their language, Hermione. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what their True Name is, simply because there is nothing it easily translates to."

Harry managed to haul himself up, "How...their language, when did you learn to speak that?

Luna shrugged, "I've always known. It's part of my Family Magic, so I can't tell you more than that."

***

Later during the ill-fated Hufflepuff-Gryffindor Quidditch match, as the Dementors were chasing Harry, the pair from earlier intercepted his pursuers and began screeching and pointing angrily at Harry and down at the stands. Free from their pursuit, Harry flew as fast as he could to safety.

***

As the swarm of Dementors surrounded Harry and Sirius, a couple of the demon wraiths heard the approach of soft footfalls. They turned and nearly fell over themselves. Luna stood there with her eyes glowing in eldritch fire, "Tun cthl as ghatru nei. Har ghatru gu null Sir. Dezsti pul Horan!"

The others stared at this diminutive slip of a human for a moment before they all bowed before her then slipped off into the night. Harry never did get a straight answer out of Luna about what happened. 

***

During Luna’s sixth year when Voldemort's forces took over the school, the Dementors were stationed around the school. When Alecto Carrow caught and Crucioed Luna for some perceived slight, the Dementors reacted by swooping down and Kissing Alecto as well as the other Death Eaters in the castle.

***

Voldemort was surprised by what had transpired. "They were supposed to follow me. What happened to change that?" During the Final Battle, instead of taking the Dark's side, the townspeople of Hogsmeade and the inhabitants of Hogwarts were shocked to see the Dementors attacking the Death Eaters. In the middle of it all was Luna. Her hair flowed in the breeze of battle, her eyes alight with golden eldritch power as she commanded her forces with poise and grace of an ancient war goddess.

She raised her fist into the air and screamed a battle cry, "TUN CTHL AS GHATRU LUN! FUHR ET MIGNA! DEZSTI PUL HORAN!!" A unearthly battle horn blew from regions unknown as a swarm of creatures best left undescribable seemed to erupt from the air around her and charged the Dark Forces.

Harry, Hermione, and everyone who was present stood affixed in stupefied silence at the battle. Limbs were flying, blood and gore splashed against the stone, shrill screams, deafening roars, and other undescribable sounds were emanating from the melee.

Harry gulped and murmured, "By the Grace of Hecate, long live Luna Selene Lovegood, Queen of the Night.”

Love is like an itch you can't scratch

Ravenclaw!Hermione Gryffindor!Harry

To the students, Harry was "cruisin for a brusin." To the teachers, it was an exact remake of what James Potter and Lily Evans had put each other through during their seven years at school.

Whatever it was, Harry and Hermione were just having fun. The first couple of times he pranked her, she'd gotten rather upset until a classmate explained that boys expressed their interest in a girl through spectacular visual displays. Hermione finally cornered Harry and demanded an explanation. 

Sheepishly he explained that he was in love with way her eyes got dilated and her actions got "bouncy" whenever she got the opportunity to learn something new. "The way you nibble on your lower lip gives me the overwhelming urge to kiss you." He shut up at that moment and blushed heavily.

Hermione too, was blushing; mostly at his admittance, "Um, thank you, Harry. But why the pranks?"

Shrugging, "I had to do something to get you to notice me."

"So all those pranks weren't malicious?" She pressed.

It took him a moment to understand then brightened and shook his head, "Nope, and I would be honored if you felt the need to prank me back. After all, I'm sure there's been times when you've wanted to get your point across but didn't have the words."

There was a distinctive and mischievous twinkle in her eye in lieu of a verbal response.

***

There was a slew of pranks when they both reached "dating age." For example, he had spiked her shampoo with blue dye and some glitter. She in turn, swapped out his body soap with one that caused intense itching in a concentrated location like the middle of his back that was hard to reach, the soles of his feet, between his toes, or one time in his crotch (that one had come around because of an overheard insensitive comment.) Another time, he charmed her shoes to force her to dance the Conga. She retaliated by charming all of his clothes to be swapped out with matching girls clothes from random girls in the castle. Seeing Harry mobbed by angry witches all demanding their clothing back left her in giggles for days.

Chapter Text

Lubes are potions too, you know

After a recent spate of surprise pregnancies, the Hogwarts teachers were required to teach sex education including the spells, charms, and potions to go along with it.

Flitwick has lessons on contraceptive charms, McGonagall has lessons on conjuring changing tables and vanishing soiled diapers, and Severus has lessons on contraceptive potions and lubricants.

As you might figure, not all of the staff are happy with this new addition to their curriculum. Pomona nudged the Astronomy teacher Aurora Sinastra and giggled, "Can you picture Snape teaching a lesson on contraceptive potions and lube?!"

Aurora snorted in barely suppressed laughter, "I can see him handing out the instructions for two different lube recipes. The one with the correct ingredients would obviously go to his Slytherins. The one that uses habanero chili paste would go to everyone else."

Pomona gasped, "Oh Merlin! If that happens, Poppy's going to need to stock up on burn cream."

Aurora eyes were twinkling, "And Severus will probably force the students to make their own as penance!"

Both women dissolved into giggles.

Home is where the trunk is 

In Potterlad81's story (Quidditch Tales 1 & 2; ffn), he uses a world trunk as Harry's new home and base of operations. In it, he has 10 cubic miles of usable space, and can be linked to others.

What if the Potters had one (or more) of these during the First Blood War? Harry could've been raised in safety until it was time to go to Hogwarts (as long as the Light won the war.) If they didn't, no one would've known. The trunk(s) could've been stored in a vault and no one would've been the wiser.
With Remus, Sirius, and the rest of the Order; they could operate in relative obscurity and saved so many people.

A Big Brother for Little Luna

Harry's discovered the perfect gift for Luna's 13th birthday. Using instructions he found in a book, he constructs a set of kaleidoscope binoculars. The tubes are removable, and he's made several different ones so she can mix and match to her heart's content. He even learned how to charm them so they slowly spin on their own.

On the day of her party, she's mystified by the gift as he explains their background and what he did to make them. She slipped it on her face, tapped the activation button, and felt her jaw slowly drop open as the colors, shapes, and patterns swirled and danced.

Three days later, Ginny stormed up to him growling, "Damn it, Harry! Why in the bloody Hell did you have to give Luna that gift?"
Nonplussed, Harry asked what it was he did wrong.

"She's been staring into that thing for three days proclaiming that she can see the Snorcacks now! It's worse than those damned Spectrospecs she's got. You need to go tell her to take a break for a while before her brain gets too twisted."

Feeling rather flummoxed, Harry shrugged and went in search of the quirky blonde. He found he lying on the grass near the Forbidden Forest,  "Lu?" She barely turned her head and giggled drunkenly. "I know you love those things, but your friends miss you." He reached out and slid them off her face.

Pouting cutely as they were removed, she let out a small whine, "Nooo, I was happy."

Harry pulled her into his arms and held her close, "And now I'm giving you another reason to be happy, and it let's me see your cute face. Plus now, I can boop your cute nose."

Luna resumed her giggling as she cuddled closer, "Thanks, Harry. You're the best big brother a girl could ever want.”

Anyone want a Toad-sicle?

Portkey creation is easier than most people think it is. All you need to know is simple cartography: what are your starting point coordinates and your ending point coordinates, plus power to latch onto the nearest Ley line.

Well, Harry's got power to spare. Couple that with Hermione's knowledge of just about anything, you've got one Hell of a dangerous pair if riled.

***

Dolores Umbridge had been ramping up her draconian discipline following the abandonment of the Headmaster position thanks to Albus' cowardice. The Toad had everyone in detention for hours on end writing lines with those horrid Blood Quills.

About halfway through one session, Harry caught Hermione's eye and silently suggested a means of revenge. Hermione subtly agreed and got to work turning the useless Defense 'textbook' into a portkey. Once she was done, she slipped it to Harry to give it the juice.

Just as Harry had finished powering it up, there was a quick flash of light which signaled the portkey was primed and ready. Dolores waddled over and snatched the book away from him, "That'll be another day of detention, Mr. Potter for disrupting the quiet." Her eyes had a sadistic glint to them.

Harry sat up straight and replied with a wicked grin of his own, "Dolores Jane Umbridge, do you know how to swim?"

"What are you blathering about, you filthy halfblood?" She demanded.

With that, he gave the command, "(Author’s choice of nasty response)" The book glowed blue, then in a titanic crackling swirl of otherspace energy, the book and the Toad vanished.

***

Later in the infirmary to get their wounds dealt with, Minerva pulled Harry and Hermione over for a chat, "I know you both had something to do with Dolores' disappearance. It was a Portkey, correct?" The pair nodded. "Where and how?"

Hermione leant up against Harry, "The how was easy. All it required was reading Hogwarts, A History to know how the wards worked. Harry's got the magical power to latch onto a Ley line. As for where, I sent her to the Antarctic coast. Did you know the water there is so cold, that if you land in it, you'll only have about four minutes before you freeze to death?"

Harry's eyes were twinkling in amusement to Minerva’s growing horror, "Anyone want a Toad-sicle?"

(Created by Yvette Hobbs)

Molly Weasley was in the middle of making dinner when a nondescript owl began tapping on the window. Believing it to be from Ginny or one of her sons, she eagerly opened the letter, then frowned a few seconds later.

Mrs. Weasley,

I would never ordinarily speak to an adult disrespectfully, because of the way I was brought up, but I have a question for you that I hope you can answer: Why?

Why, when Harry came to the Burrow the summer before second year, and you saw for yourself how thin he was, and the way Harry would flinch at even the most casual physical contact, did you never say anything to WCS, and just accept what Professor Dumbledore said?

Why, when it was obvious even to people who were indifferent to or didn't like him, did you never offer to take Harry to St Mungo's to be checked for injuries that could have caused the slight limp he usually walked with, or at least asked Harry if anything hurt or ached when he visited, so you could make a guess what might be wrong?

Why, when his clothing literally hung on him due to the size, did you never offer to take him shopping for clothes that fit-or even shrink the clothing he was wearing so it fit him?

Why, when you heard Professor Dumbledore say over and over in Order meetings that Harry was important to stopping YKW, did you never insist Harry get training to better his chances of surviving the fight?

I've seen over and over the way you have no qualms about expressing your opinion to people, and arguing with people when what they did was something you saw as questionable or a bad decision, so I have just one more thing to say:

Why did you never, in all of the time I've known you, NEVER question whether or not what Professor Dumbledore was or is doing was right? You always talk about the way Harry is 'just a boy' and so should be protected, yet you never said anything every year when Harry was sent back to people who starve, belittle, and hurt him, and all because Professor Dumbledore claimed Harry was safe with the Dursleys.

So why did you never stop to think 'Professor Dumbledore might be wrong about this', and speak up on Harry's behalf?

Why, Mrs. Weasley?

(signed) Hermione J. Granger

Picking up where we left off 

When Harry bonded with his first wand, something extraordinary happened. In a brilliant ball of Phoenix fire, he was engulfed for a long moment before being released. Both Hagrid and Ollivander stared at him before Garrick muttered, "Yikes."

***

First loop

It wasn't long before Harry realized something was different. The first time events went off the rails was when he got home after that first trip to Diagon Alley.

Vernon was beyond livid and tried venting his ire out on Harry. In the tumult, Harry's wand was broken resulting in the boy being engulfed in flames. When the flames vanished, he found himself once again in Ollivander's shop bonding to his wand.

Pausing, Harry stared at the two adults for a moment. "Mr. Ollivander? I just had a weird experience. I could've sworn that Hagrid here took me to do my shopping then sent me home. When I got there, my uncle was in a rage and my wand ended up getting broken. Immediately afterwards, there was a ball of fire and I'm standing right back here. Does anything like that make sense?"

Garrick frowned in thought, "I can't say one way or the other, Mister Potter. May I?" Harry handed him back the wand. Garrick examined it closely and gasped in surprise, "Well, your story certainly has some merit. I'm detecting some temporal memory with the wand. I cannot explain it better that unfortunately."

"What should I do if this happens again?" Harry worried.

Garrick pursed his lips, "You've been gifted a strange and wonderful opportunity, Mister Potter. I would suggest writing down everything that happens to you and those around you. Remember that your actions have consequences. If you damage or destroy the wand again in the near future, you will have to go through everything until you get back to that point of departure. Having a journal handy will keep you on the correct path." Harry picked up an ordinary journal and a couple of pens at their next stop.

***

Second loop

When Hagrid and Harry stopped into Flourish and Blotts, Harry included a Never-ending Notebook and Dicta-Quill with the rest of his purchases. 

***

Third loop

Harry not only got the Notebook but also included a special variant of the Dicta-Quill. This one could be tied to his mind using a limited Legilimency charm so he could write down his notes without being overheard by that nosy Weasley kid.

***

Fourth loop

When Hermione went to go continue looking for Neville’s Toad, Harry joined instead of staying with Ronald. As a result, he got introduced to Daphne Greengrass, Pansy Parkinson, and Blaise Zabini earlier and without the usual animosity. 

***

Fifth loop

Instead of getting sorted into Gryffindor, Harry convinces Hermione to join him in Ravenclaw. As a result of this, he's spared Snape's vindictive nature against Gryffindor in general and his father's legacy specifically. 

***

Sixteenth loop

Rather than chasing down the clues to the third floor gauntlet, Harry and Hermione simply write to Nicholas Flamel and inform him of what the headmaster is attempting to do with his property. Flamel storms the castle and demands his Stone back.

***

Eighteenth loop

Trying out Hufflepuff this time, Harry convinced Hermione to go into Ravenclaw where he knew she'd be happy with all of the books. When second year rolled around, he managed to steal the Diary away from Ginny Weasley and drop it into the watery pits within the Chamber of Secrets. 

When fourth year rolled around and he was yet again suckered into participating in the tournament; he used a switching spell to swap the Golden Egg with a stone he'd left stuck under the bleachers in the judges section. The dragon saw the transfer and rushed off in an angry bellow. The resulting carnage fueled many of Harry's happy memories.

***

Fortieth loop

Figuring that he had earned a break after successfully killing off Voldemort half a dozen times, Harry goes wild with his actions. He shows up for class wearing his pajamas and a bathrobe, mouths off to Snape, and generally acts without a care in the world. He blatantly tortured Draco and Ron then claimed to have been under the Imperious curse.

***

Seventy-fifth loop

During Umbridge's reign of terror, Harry alternately decided what to based on the roll of some gaming dice. Burning, freezing, dropping the bint off the Astronomy tower, tying a porkchop around her neck and hobbling her feet before portkeying her into the Forbidden Forest all made their way to making Harry's loop fun.

Also during the fifth year, he saved Sirius from getting killed in various ways. One time, he portkeyed his godfather to a brothel and told him not to come back until all the women there were glassy-eyed; another time, he used a sticking charm from a book he found in the Room of Requirement and stuck his godfather to a comfortable chair until he returned. Yet another loop, he just straight up told him what was going to happen if Sirius rushed in.

***

Eighty-second loop

By this point, Harry was quite skilled in showing off his talents without anyone getting wise to his situation. During this loop, he was in a multi-relationship with Daphne Greengrass, Hermione, Pansy, and the Patil Twins. He routinely demonstrated magical techniques that shouldn't be possible at his age or that hadn't been invented yet. If anyone asked, he'd blithely reply that he had a vision of things to come (usually.)

Sometimes, he would just ignore them or give a BS response depending on his mood at the time.

***

Ninetieth loop 

Harry was feeling rather randy so he restructured the abandoned tower that the third floor gauntlet used to be on into his private harem quarters where he lived with his multiple wives and their children. With fifteen wives who bore him an average of six kids each, the subsequent sortings were lengthy affairs.

***

One hundredth loop

For his one hundred anniversary, Sixth year Harry told Hermione (yet again) about his continued existence within a temporal loop. He goes over everything he's learned for the past hundred and fifty years, give or take a few years. He explains that some of the loops are quiet when he wants to take a break, but for the most part; they're heart-pounding nonstop action and death-defying adventures. "Sometimes you and I end up together, sometimes I pick another girl. Sometimes I make the major changes in society or in research. Other times, I try my hand at going dark but for some reason, the most I'm able to get is a sort of medium gray. I'm not sure why that is..."

Hermione stared in worry and quite a bit of wonder, "So you could basically see it all and do it all as long as you snap your wand before dying. I think I'm jealous. To be able live your life to its very fullest without any consequences is just...incredible."

Harry agreed, "We've made many attempts to see if this ability can be transferred or shared, but so far it's been no soap. I've filled up many journals with my...our research into this phenomenon."

"What are you going to do when you finally get bored of this life?"

"You mean when I'm done with looping? I dunno. I'll probably pick a comfortable track and die peacefully at the end."

Hermione was quiet for a moment, "Have you ever picked a track and seen your previous self?"

Harry thought for a moment before waggling his hand, "I don't think so. I mean, I've passed by people who at a quick glance might resemble me but I think whatever magic this is, it prevents such paradoxes."

Hermione nibbled on her lower lip deep in thought, "So what's next for you? Which loop is this for you?"

Harry pulled her into his lap, "This is my one hundredth loop. As for what's next? I'm not sure but picking up where we left off sounds mighty good."

She gave him a saucy look and purred, "And where was that, Mister Potter?"

He leant in to kiss her, "Right about here."

Thought Bubble Curse

• Sickly pink spell color.
• Produces a ghostly bubble that hovers over the victim's head displaying their TRUE thoughts and feelings regardless of what they say.
• Effect is permanent until lifted by the caster.
• Wand movement is a left-hand spiral followed immediately by a jab at the target's head.

Reveal true thoughts = Veras cogitationes revelare

Fowl versus Foul 

When Gringotts states that they have laws about storing foul magic within their vaults, Harry realizes he can't store his collection of spells on how to make chicken, duck, or turkey taste better.

After all, if he tried, he could be accused of trying to store fowl magic within the bank.

Let the Magic move your soul

Post-war; Harry has come back to teach Dark Magic! At least, those are the rumors.
On the first day, he opened the door to his classroom and ushered everyone inside.

"Take your seats. We have much to cover."
He waited until the mad scramble subsided and paced the floor for a moment before quietly speaking. "You are here to explore and experience what is mistakenly called 'Dark or Soul Magic.' Unfortunately for the naysayers, what I will be teaching is not Dark in any way shape or form yet it could be classified as Soul Magic because of the way it penetrates into your very being."

Harry's students sat practically at the edges of their seats, hanging onto his every word. He brought out an instrument and began playing it. The sultry smooth sounds being emitted both soothed and excited the students. More than one of them felt something stirring in their hearts and minds. 

When he finished, the air felt heavy and still; no one wanted to move or say anything lest the tension be forever shattered. "I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. How to use your heart, mind, and soul to weave the notes into the very fabric of magic, itself. All I ask of you is to keep an open mind.”

“But Albus said...”

What if Molly's objection to using magic outside of school only started when she learned that Harry (and eventually Hermione) would be visiting the Burrow and she figured it would be a good way to keep them from "doing anything Albus didn't approve of?"

By keeping them from doing magic outside of school, it just reinforces the idea that she's trying keep them safe for they're "merely children." Secretly (or not widely known) Albus implied to her that Harry needed a strong mother figure and should just enjoy his childhood and leave the important decisions to him.

Is this Quidditch??

In a rare showing of mutual civility, the Slytherin and Gryffindor Quidditch teams join together to prank the school with the most bizarre game ever seen. The iron Bludgers were replaced with charmed blow-up balls, the Quaffle was the same as it always was but coated in oil, while the Snitch was replaced with a gold-painted Cornish Pixie. All players had to go topless (the Gryffindor Chasers were allowed to wear sport bras) which meant that the stands were practically filled with mostly ogling girls.

Instead of playing to rack up points, each side started with 500 points. Every time the Chasers scored a goal, ten points were deducted. The same rule applied for the Seekers. Whichever one caught the Snitch, a hundred and fifty points were deducted and the game was over. Whichever team had the highest amount of points remaining, won. With the Quaffle being coated in oil, it wasn't long before both sides were glistening, showcasing their fit physiques to an appreciative audience. 

Instead of being awarded a penalty shot, the offended Chaser had to properly snog the Keeper (Given that Slytherin only fielded boys, this made Oliver and the green-trimmed Chasers nervous.) 

***

Up in the stands, Hermione watched as the players flew sedately about, trying their damndest not to cause too much chaos lest they run afoul of acquiring a penalty. Nearby, she could hear Ron screaming at the players to quit messing around and get back to playing real Quidditch. She smiled to herself as Harry flew past; his shirtless torso making her stomach flutter happily, 'Now this is Quidditch I can appreciate.' 

Alternate 4th year Graveyard Scene 

What if instead of bumbling about after the Cup dumped Harry and Cedric; the pair glanced at each other, shrugged, and took hold of the Cup once again thereby sending them back to Hogwarts?

The potion and ritual Riddle had planned would've been rendered useless and completely throwing off his plans for resurrection. Without that resurrection, Harry wouldn't had to suffer Cedric's murder, nor would be slandered in the press proclaiming that the Dark Lord had come back. Dolores wouldn't have sent the Dementors to Little Whinging, Harry wouldn't have to deal with that sham trial, and Dolores wouldn't get the DADA position. 

So many changes simply because Harry didn't bumble around a spooky graveyard. 

Alternate take on the DftR challenge 

Y'all know the requirements of the Don't Fear the Reaper challenge? When Death sends them back to "the beginning," he truly meant the beginning? What if instead of sending Harry and/or Hermione back to X year at Hogwarts, Death sends them back in time to the beginning of wizarding society? Back to when the Wizard's Council (later the Wizengamot) was first founded and the laws codified.

What changes could Harry and Hermione wrought then if they had that much time on their hands?

Neville Longbottom, Primly Pranking Problem People

Whenever someone mentions intelligence and creativity in creating spells, everyone's first thought would be Hermione Granger. No ever thinks of mild-mannered Neville. It was later in 3rd year when he got ahold of a muggle Latin grammar book. He was intrigued with how many spells were Latin-based yet confused about why the students weren't taught this language from the get-go.

He overheard the Weasley Twins chatting one day in that funny twins-speak thing they did and wondered if he could create a spell using the knowledge he'd gained from reading that book. It took him about 3 weeks but he managed to come up with a doozy.

As he gazed about the Great Hall, he pondered, 'Who to test this out on first?' His eyes landed on Draco causing him to grin shark-like, "Perfect."

Speak with same starting letter (alliterative speech) = locutus est idem incipiens litterae

Ooh, gimme those flaming hot chilis!

Harry Potter allegedly has broken ICW law regarding the enslavement of Phoenixes (Phoenixi?) Armed with this unsubstantiated rumor (because those 'can't' be wrong!); the Aurors backed by Minister Fudge arrive at Hogwarts to arrest Harry for his crimes.

While Dumbledore was giving his usual ineffective bleatings about second chances; Minerva shook her head and summoned Harry to the Headmaster's office. Harry arrived a few moments later, a curious expression on his face.

"There! Arrest the boy! You'll be in Azkaban in no time, you criminal!" Fudge blustered.

Barely even reacting, Harry turned to Minerva, "Professor?"

Sneering at the pompous man, Minerva explained why they were all there. Harry rolled his eyes and called for an elf. "Hi, would you do me a favor? Go into my trunk and bring back the bag marked 'Fawkes Treats.'" The elf nodded and vanished. A moment later, the bag appeared.

"So," he began, "You're all here because someone's accusing me of enslaving and potentially torturing a Phoenix?" At their nods, he gave them a thin-lipped disappointed sneer, "Let me show you the truth. Fawkes!"

There was a pillar of flame as Fawkes, formerly Albus' Phoenix flashed into the room. The moment the ancient bird spotted the bag; he began fluttering over, tripping over its feet, and squawking like mad.

"Now, I suspect the real reason why "everyone knows" that I've enslaved this beautiful creature, my accuser is sitting behind that desk (he dismissively gestured towards a pouting Albus.) With our bond, I'm able to hear Fawkes as if he could speak English. If you would, just reach out a touch me on the shoulder. You'll then be able to hear what I hear." They all did so and heard Fawkes begging for more treats. Harry held out the bag for inspection. All anyone was able to discern was that the treats leaned heavily on dried Ghost Pepper chilis. 

Fudge was growing confused and flustered, "Dried Chilis? I don't understand, and what about that insinuation of you torturing the bird?"

"Phoenixes eat dried or fresh fiery chilis like you and I would go through crisps, Minister. They can't get enough of them. You heard Fawkes jabbering about selling his feathery soul for more treats. As for the torturing part? I like to give him a rubdown at the end of each day. He moans and groans, stretching and squeaking with those cute little toe wiggles. I can sort of see how a white-whiskered senile goat might confuse that with torture, but as you can see, I'm innocent of the allegations."

All eyes swung over to Albus who tried valiantly to look innocent. "He's just upset that Fawkes abandoned him in favor of me."

Chapter Text

Is that...a Faberge dragon egg?

2nd year; someone tipped off the Ministry that Hagrid had illegally obtained a dragon egg and was planning on raising it himself. A pair of Aurors were dispatched to ascertain the situation.

"Hagrid, we're here to determine what's going on with that egg you supposedly have."

Hagrid scratched his bearded chin, "Well, I suppose you can see them. They're not all ready though."

Both Aurors glanced worriedly between themselves then at Hagrid, "All of them? As in multiple eggs??"

"Aye. Seems silly otherwise." Hagrid replied as he led them into his home. Lying on the table in various stages of assembly were all sorts of mechanical bits, gears, and parts along different breeds of dragon eggs. "As you can see, I buy up the eggs that have already hatched or the ones that were duds. I clean them up then mount the shells onto the frameworks."

One Auror peered closer and frown in confusion, "I don't get it. What are you attempting here?"

Hagrid reached over to his bookshelf and extracted a relatively new tome, "This here book tells all about them Faberge eggs and how they were made. I figured I could do the same with dragon eggs. I've already got a few buyers lined up."

Intrigued but satisfied that he wasn't going to try anything illegal, the Aurors left. Hagrid watched them leave through his window before whispering towards his wardrobe, "Okay, they're gone." Harry and Hermione emerged wearing smug grins on their faces. Settling themselves onto the chairs, Hagrid let out a sigh of relief, "I don't know how I can ever repay you both for coming up with that idea." 

Hermione cast a spell canceling charm on the parts returning them to their original detritus forms. Harry patted his big friend on the hand, "It was our pleasure, Hagrid. Now you can have your fun without worrying about small-minded idiocy then once it gets big enough, you can ship it off to a preserve."

"Have you got one in mind?" Hermione asked him.

"Aye, been writing to Charlie Weasley. He's promised to stop by and gimme some pointers before coming back to take it away in three months."

Harry glanced silently at Hermione, his look clearly said, 'We dodged a bullet with that one. Let Charlie figure out how to smuggle the dragon out.'

The Power He Knows Not (18+ story)

It's called by many names, some funny, some inspiring: Rush, Surge, Power, Wtf was that, Holy Hell, and more. It only affects young adult women and starts as early as 16. Symptoms include manic energy, wild magic fluctuations, and a rampant increase in aggression. Some say it's Magic's way of preparing young women for the rigors of adulthood.

And it can only be controlled through an orgasm.

***

To prevent unplanned pregnancies, a new position was created alongside the Prefects: The Guides (though some also call them Helpers.) As you might expect, the Guide is another female of sixth year or higher who has successfully passed a required 'health and sex education' class. They wear a gold pin with a welcoming hand embossed on the front, and are always on-call to alleviate the symptoms of the Rush. 

***

It was understandably disturbing to Hermione and the other female muggleborns to learn of this condition that they would all eventually go through. Hermione was also a bit flushed when she stumbled upon a couple of Guides offering assistance to a dorm room of seventh years and witnessed the lesbian orgy. 

It was explained to her that eventually she'd feel her own Surge and need relief from a Guide. "The school doesn't want you to become pregnant before you're ready, Miss Granger. This service has been part of Hogwarts since its inception."

***

When she learned that Harry found out about it, Hermione was mortified in thinking she let the secret out. One of their Chasers (author's choice of House and Chaser), calmed her down. "Relax, Hermione. You did nothing wrong. The Guides and what we go through is not a state secret, it's just one of things that just isn't spoken about in public amongst mixed company; like our menstrual cycles, you know?"

Harry's uncomfortable squirming at the mention of the word 'menstrual' caused both girls to giggle.

***

Flash forward to sixth year, and Hermione is snuggling with Harry when her Surge hits like a veritable tsunami. As she's whining, growling, and practically climbing Harry while trying to rip his clothes off; a pair of strong yet feminine hands lift her off him. Hermione wails and tries desperately to get back to her "Hunky Monkey" all the way until her dorm door is closed.

Harry sat there flustered and sweating a bit. Neville sat down next to him and gave his friend a lopsided grin, "First time that happened to you?" Harry dumbly and breathlessly nodded. "Yeah, I was with Susan and Hannah when they both went into Heat. I thought I was going to be ripped apart."

A slow, wicked smirk stole across Harry's face, "This thing with Voldemort could be finished in a trice, you know? Round up a bunch of girls undergoing their Rushes, tell them that he is going to make it illegal to get relief then let them deal with the bastard."

Neville chuckled, "It would fit the wording of the Prophecy too! For he will have a Power the Dark Lord knows not. You know how violent these girls can get without their relief sessions." He sobered and frowned, "No, that wouldn't work. This Heat thing has been going on since Hogwarts beginning. He would have to know about it."

Harry cocked his head for a moment then brightened, "No, it'd still work. Remember back to Madam Pomfrey's sex education class in 3rd year? She told us that knowledge of a girl's "Time of Spring" wasn't to be discussed amongst polite society."

Neville was still on the fence about what to do until Harry barked out a laugh, "I know who to ask. I know someone who would remember what sorts of things Riddle would learn when he was in school."

Neville shook his head as he rose to his feet. A loud moan of pleasure wafted through the door where Hermione was getting some relief. "Come on, I don't want to hear that."

(Author’s choice whom Harry and Neville go visit. Bellatrix can be used as an example of what happens when the relief doesn't help.)

Dance for me, Hunky Harry!!

Post war, Hermione's feeling kinda low. Her girlfriends (Parvati, Padma, Susan, Hannah, a few others) decide to take her for a girl's night out. 

Upon arriving, Hermione lets out a squeal of delight when she sees where they're going: Chippendale's!

***

The music is pounding, the drinks are flowing, and the dancers are looking hot. Hermione's pushed up to the stage to take part in a one-on-one with a special guest dancer known as 'The Magical Mystique.' She's blindfolded then as the music starts, she can hear the crowd get rowdy. She feels the dancer slide, bump, and grind all around her; even letting her run her hands over his body. Just when the anticipation becomes too much, the blindfold vanishes and she's able to see who it is that's been teasing the entire time...

It's Harry, wearing a skimpy thong and nothing else! Hermione stares in wide-eyed amazement at her best friend she's known since they were eleven. Rippling muscles, that grin that's guaranteed to make her knickers wet, and a damning twinkle in his eye as he reaches for her hands.

Truly, a Magical Mystique!!

Keeping the fires burning 

(From Rogar Myers):

The Gryffindor girls had heard that Harry and Neville would be in detention with Hagrid for fighting with Draco in the sixth year. They gathered by the wood pile to watch as the two boys helped Hagrid cut and split firewood for the winter.

As it was a warm fall day both boys had stripped their shirts off as they swung their axes, sweat glistening in the sunlight.

Hermione said, "Remember Harry is MINE! You can look but only I get to touch!"

"So Neville is fair game?" Ginny asked with a grin.

Luna had come along quietly, no one noticing her as usual, "No. Not unless you want your Chi rearranged." She said with a hungry glint in her eyes. Her voice even more breathless than usual.

Professor McGonagall walked up behind the girls clearing her voice to no avail. Gazing out at the two young males working hard she smiled and said, "Carry on girls. Just try not to get too much saliva on the firewood."

>>>>

Rise of the Elves 

(JAET: Today, We celebrate our Independence Day!)

7th year (8th movie); Battle of Hogwarts 

'With a tremendous crash, the portrait guarding the entrance to the kitchens blew off its hinges as hundreds of elves stormed out; their eyes blazing with righteous fury. At the forefront was Kreacher, his Fallen Master's locket bouncing off his chest as he screamed, "For Master Regulus!"

What wasn't revealed was that the elf enslavement bond which had prevented them from getting involved and cowering in fear, had been shattered when Harry sacrificed himself for everyone; including the elves. As Harry was being carried back to the shattered school by Hagrid, down in the kitchens another revolution was quickly gaining ground. They all felt the magic, they all felt the love. 

They all felt the Fire.

The moment the bond vaporized, each and every elf felt the return of their ancestors' magic and forms. Workers and servants who for centuries had been no taller than three feet, suddenly found themselves jolting up to six feet and positively rippling with muscle. Workers and servants who toiled in oppression for centuries cleaning, cooking, suffering at the hands and wands of their Masters suddenly felt their chains falling away. Hogwarts provided them with the weapons, Kreacher, and the memory of Dobby and Winky...plus so many other fallen elves over the years provided them with the drive.

The Death Eaters provided them a target.

With a thunderous scream of Retribution, the Army of Elves rushed headlong into battle...

Give them a hand, Ladies and Gentlemen!!

(HP/Addams Family crossover)

(Co-created with Yvette Hobbs)

What if the legendary Hand of Glory is actually an enchantment that failed or wore off from a predecessor of Thing from the Addams Family?

When Harry sees it in Borgin and Burkes, he realizes exactly that? Then tells Hermione, who tries to figure out the enchantment to fix it, thus giving Harry and Hermione their own version of Thing. 

Their version of Thing insists on following Harry and Hermione to classes, and the Professors do their best to ignore it...except Snape. Snape doesn't like it in his class, especially when Thing 2 keeps Malfoy from sabotaging Harry's and Hermione's potions, which force Snape to give Harry at least Acceptable grades in class. Heck, Thing 2 would take it *very* poorly when Snape tried to vanish Harry's potions!

Thing 2 would become the instant new "best buddy" with the Weasley Twins. Changing labels on ingredient bottles in the storeroom before mixing everything up out of the order Snape had it in would be the least of Snape's worries.

Who wrote this? Oh yeah, I did

Harry's never been the one to dive into any situation without thinking of all possible consequences. He's also got a secret. He's a popular young adult fantasy crime fiction writer, published under the pseudonym Garrett Kennedy.

Hermione loves to read, anyone who's ever met her can attest to that. Her favorite author recently published the latest in his series, "The Philosopher's Stone."

So when the pair meet on the train, Harry spotted a familiar cover. He gestured to it, "So, what do you think of the book?"

She gushed over it, "Oh, it's ever so fascinating! I love Mr. Kennedy's series so far. Do you read it? How far have you gotten? Oh, sorry; I'm rambling and forgot to introduce myself."

***

From there the pair hung out (much to the displeasure of those in power, perceived or otherwise.) They chatted and discussed the series, their homework, plus the various things back home which the magically-raised were clueless on. When the clues to the real Philosopher's Stone started being found, Harry stopped to consider what they'd learned (and inadvertently revealed that he was the mysterious person who wrote Hermione's favorite books.) "You know, I covered something like this in Philosopher's Stone. The locked door hiding what sounded like an animal. It didn't end well if I recall."

Hermione stared at him for a moment, "What do you mean 'you covered something like this in Philosopher's Stone?'”

Harry froze then covered his face with his hands and groaned heavily, dragging his hands down slowly, "Damn, I didn't want you to find out this way. Okay, nothing for it. I promise, I'll fill you in later. In the meantime..."

Harry borrowed her copy of his book and thumbed through it. "Here, look at this. First was the warning, then there was the hint about a locked door. I think that whatever or whoever is setting this all up, must've read my books and is making it a reality."

Hermione shook her head, trying to dispel the shocking revelation that Harry Potter is actually her favorite author. "I've not finished the book yet, so don't spoil it for me, but if everything you say is true; then you should know how to bypass the traps."

Harry cocked his head, "I don't remember if I wrote that in or not." He returned to the book and began speed reading it. When he finished, he stared off into the distance for a good couple of minutes. "May we get an elf, please?"

A slight pop was heard as a tiny 3 foot tall creature appeared, "How may Ari be helping?"

At Hermione's curious expression, Harry promised that he'd explain later. "Ari, do you know what other traps lie beyond this door?"

As Ari listed them out, Harry checked them against his book. Grinning, he thanked the elf for her time and dismissed her. "I knew it. Everything lying in wait is laid out just like I wrote. Knowing this, we no longer need to worry about the Stone." He took Hermione's arm and led her back to their common room.

"So, here's my real story..."

Add-on to ‘Fear the Muggleborg’ Prompt

Submitted by Chris Scurlock aka Story_Collector:

How it starts. Smart watches and bluetooth earphones. The puries noticing muggles talking to no one, and the muggleborn remembering the borg assimilating with tech.

How it grows. Muggleborn figures out how to merge technology with magic and start using the watches and bluetooth. Then start adding to the tech. The purest are starting to freak out.

Life continues. Technoglasses that are part computer part magi spects. The light side start using the new tech. The purest start freaking out that the borg plague is spreading. Till one day a purest is forced to try it out. Chaos ensues.

What do you mean you didn't bring the bird?!

Alt. Title: “Order up!” (Remind Me to Never Put Albus in Charge of the Potluck Again)

(Co-created by myself and Yvette Hobbs)

With different authors using food related jokes for the OotP (Roasted Turkey Club, Order of the Fried Chicken, etc) it makes me wonder if anyone had thought to have one of the Marauders in the original OotP try to joke at the beginning of a meeting because of those nicknames. 

***

For example:

James Potter: Think the meeting will take very long, Padfoot? Lily wanted to make something special for dinner and I don't want to be late.

Sirius Black: Not sure, Prongs. I'm still waiting to see if we get offered a menu, or at least are told if we're going to have chips during the meeting.

James Potter: Oh? Why is that, Padfoot?

Sirius Black: Well, this IS a meeting of Albus' Fried Chicken Club, isn't it? What can be better with fried chicken than a side of chips?

***

Can you imagine the Marauders showing up with stuff to make the meetings a potluck in the hope that Albus would bring the main course then complaining loudly when he doesn't?

(Created by Jonathan Deller)

I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this set of dialogue. What’s your favorite Harmony “spicy” dialogue? It can be from a fanfic, something you’ve seen online, or something you have come up with.

Harry: I like your pants, Hermione

Hermione: Thanks, they were 50% off

Harry: I’d like them better if they were 100% off

Hermione: The store can’t just give things away for free

Harry: No that’s not what I —

Hermione: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Harry.

Down the Rabbit Hole

5th year; Career Counseling

"So, Mr. Potter," Minerva began, "Have you thought about what you want to become after you graduate?"

Harry fidgeted a bit in his seat. Umbridge was behind Minerva and sneering at him. "Um, yeah... I thought I'd open up a tavern."

Both women had a cartoon jaw-drop moment. "A ta...tavern?" Minerva stuttered. "Why that of all things? I thought you wished to become an Auror."

Harry scrunched his face up in derision, "No, that's what everyone else wants me to be. I don't want the glamorous life where everyone and their crup will try to take a shot at me for the notoriety. I just want a nice solid job where I can raise a family and not be forced into doing something I hate."

***

When he left, Umbridge for once had nothing bad to say about him or his choices. Minerva found him later, "Honestly, Mr. Potter; did you really mean what you said about becoming a tavern keeper?"

Harry glanced around, waved his wand to set up a silencing field then turned back to her with the legendary Potter Twinkle in his eye, "On the surface, yes. But in reality? I would use the tavern as a front for setting up undercover work assisting the disadvantaged people the Ministry doesn't want to acknowledge; like muggleborns, elves, or werewolves."

Minerva gave him a confused look, "Then what was all that back there?"

Harry shrugged, "Misdirection. Do you really think that the Umbitch wouldn't try to sabotage my plans if she or the Ministry knew the truth?" He gave her a wink, removed the silencing field then strolled off whistling a jaunty tune.

I Confess Myself...Disappointed 

Summer of 5th year; Grimmauld Place 

Harry had overheard many things that Dumbledore’s Order would rather keep secret; especially the part about how vulnerable Azkaban really was.

He managed to slip away from Molly's incessant cleaning chores and entered the library. As his eyes rove across the books, manuscripts, and portraits; a figure stepped out from the shadows. "What is it you seek, young master?"

Harry was wary, "Who are you?"

The figure bowed its head, "I am the Keeper of the Black Library. I only appear when someone enters without a particular book in mind."

"Ah, okay. You must've met Hermione, then."

The figure quietly snorted, "Bushy-haired lass with a penchant for seeking out the rarest tomes? Yeah, we've met."

Running his hand through his hair in frustration, Harry asked the Keeper if the Library had anything on how to get rid of Dementors. 

"We have several books on the topic, was there anything more specific?"

Harry explained what he'd overheard. The Keeper bobbed its head understandingly, "Ah, in that case, I think this might fit the search." He strode over to a purple-colored book and extracted it from the shelf and handed it over. "Chapters 17 through 25 will be what you need."

Harry thanked the Keeper and settled in to read.

***

Flash forward to when Voldemort made his assault on Azkaban. 

The iron doors swung open with a ear-rending squeal of rusty hinges as he stepped inside the "impenetrable" fortress. The entire floor was as quiet as a tomb, so quiet in fact that Voldemort felt rather unnerved by the lack of sound aside from the wind and waves crashing against the rocky shoreline.

'Where is everyone?' He wondered. 'There should at least be some guards.' He took the lift up to the maximum security level and stopped short, his face one of stunned incredulity. Each and every cell door was open but there wasn't anyone present hanging around. His hesitant feet lead him to the first cell allowing him to peek in.

It was empty.

Cell after cell, more of the same. Each one was completely devoid of life. Confused and not a little worried about this development, Voldemort traveled down to the lower levels. 'Surely there should be someone here.'

***

As he stepped out of the prison, Voldemort felt that there had to have been some clue he was missing to account for the disappearance of every living (or otherwise) creature on the island. His waiting army of loyal soldiers had seemingly vanished from the face of the Earth. Not knowing what else he could do, he apparated back to Malfoy Manor. 

As he sat on his throne, he ruminated on how his plans to use his fanatical soldiers, fresh from Azkaban to sow fear amongst the populace, were utterly destroyed. He wouldn't even be able to mount a campaign to recruit new followers. All he was left with was that peacock Lucius, the Dimwitted Duo Crabbe Senior and Goyle Senior, Wormtail the Traitor, and a couple of aging Lords. He momentarily thought he could recruit the children of the same but knew deep down they were even worse than their parents. Frustrated, he hissed for Nagini and gently caressed her as he tried to come up with a new plan. 

His mind settled on one repeating thought. "I confess myself...disappointed.”

Where's Waldo...um, Harry?

(Created by Matthew Callies):

What if, while going undercover in the Muggle world, Auror Potter dons a red and white striped shirt and beanie and adopt the alias of Waldo and because of his frequent use of his invisibility cloak, the Muggle world is left wondering "Where's Waldo?"

Magical Britain v Fae Court 

After all the atrocities perpetuated over the past millennia by the denizens of Magical Britain, the Fae Court has decided to sue for damages. (Supreme Court replaced the House of Lords in 2009)

Representing the Defense for the British magical populace is Albus Dumbledore. 

Representing the Prosecution for the Fae Court is King Obernon and his wife Titania.

Evidence entered showcases all of the illegal animal husbandry and sales, slavery, oppression, racism, bigotry, and more.

As the gathered evidence mounts and expert witnesses answer questions, it's pretty clear to everyone that it's not going all that well for the magical humans. If found guilty, all humans regardless of blood status, would have their magic stripped away; forever banished from the wider magical world. Albus is sweating proverbial bullets hoping that the first witness, a human, might be able to swing the tide in favor of the Light (The Dark side magicals have their own trials later.)

The Prosecution's first witness is...Luna Lovegood. 

Chapter Text

Eternal, Eternal
Saw this prompt on Reddit. In the general HP fanfiction group.

Harry and the Gang discover a portrait of Hogwarts Founders but what they see in the background chills them to the core.

Behind the four Founders is a very familiar person with a very familiar cat in his lap.

Argus Filch stares at them with hateful eyes, not even a single year younger or older than he currently is.

Psychological warfare, Ronnie

4th year; Minister's Box at the World Cup

Harry spotted the Malfoys as they made their entrance. He sidled up next to Draco and nudged him, "Dude, your sister is hot!"

Draco (and everyone else) stared at him before exclaiming, "That's my mother, you daft half-blood!"

Harry ran his eyes hungrily up and down Narcissa's lithe form, and gave a cheeky grin, "Harry likes..." He turned to Lucius and congratulated him, "You cradle-robber! How did you manage to score a delicious treat like her?"

Narcissa's face was a picture of amused incredulity, her eyes danced with mirth and based on her body language, was a mere moment away from bursting out into laughter.

Lucius surprisingly took the compliment for what it was and preened, "Sheer luck, Mr. Potter."

Harry gave Narcissa another look coupled with a wink, "If you're ever in the mood for a walk on the Potter side, give me a floo call. I'll be at Hogwarts..."

He then sauntered back to his friends.

***

After the match, Harry was set upon by nearly everyone. Ron was practically in his face, "What the bloody Hell was all that with the Malfoys?!"

Harry buffed his nails on his shirt smugly, "Psychological warfare, my dear Ronnie."

Ron's face screwed up in confusion while Hermione and the Twins burst out laughing.

Fred clapped him on the shoulder, "Epic prank, honorary little brother."

Harry's expression grew wicked, "Just wait until you see my next trick.”

Fleur Delacour, French or French Canadian?
(Created by Rhys Thornbury)

Idea! Fleur is misleading as to her origins. Yes, she primarily speaks french. No, she doesn't ACTUALLY speak English that poorly. She is a good actor, and can mimic a Parisian French accent very well. Her fellow students don't resent her for being Veela (or at least not JUST) for being Veela. They resent her for being a foreign exchange student who is more successful at Beauxbatons and playing the part of French socialite than they are. In truth, Fleur is French Canadian, not Quebecois French Canadian either!

I'm imagining her being caught out by Hermione for using slightly different French Canadian turns of phrase and perhaps for not being as opposed to greasy foods as she pretend. Turns out Fleur is a rather quintessential French Canadian. Handles the cold just fine, loves coffee or a good Molson Canadian, enjoys poutine or Montreal smoked bacon and is a very serious hockey fan. Though she's personally better at skiing and Lacrosse. The snooty socialite bit is all an act, she's actually very friendly if you can get her to drop the act, and unfailingly polite.

The Delacours often send their kids to France, per tradition, for schooling though. They live in Cape Breton though.

Imagine if she were Louisianan Creole French? Sadly I don't know enough about them down there to really expand on that particular notion.

Peter Pettigrew, Who'd have thought it?
(Created by Mon Capitan):

Peter Pettigrew joined the Death Eaters because it was the ultimate test of courage and as a spy. When the Potters give him the Secret to their hiding place, he realizes he's given the perfect opportunity to take out Voldemort by using the Potters as (knowing) bait.

Come the morning of 1 November, 1981, Albus Dumbledore will be sorely disappointed in the outcome of the Potters final encounter with his competition.

Harry Potter, Master Chef
Alt. Title: Stick a fork in him, he's done.
(Created by Rhys Thornbury):

Hermione fully supports Harry's desire to become a Magical Master Chef! She finds books on all manner of magical cooking spells.

Thanks to that, every time Voldemort meets Harry he dies to a vicious cooking spell.

Fileting? Yup
Char broiling? Yup
Corkscrewing? Definitely
Dicing? Sorta, due to duress it ended up being more like the vegetable chopping spell.

The Final time he died it was to a vastly overpowered Cheese Grating spell.

It was well known after that that no sane magical would dare mess around and find out in Harry and Hermione Potter's 5 Star Restaurant.

Account Manager Flintblade, Studmuffin?

After successfully pranking the Malfoys at the World Cup, Harry was riding high. He had to stop by Gringotts to pick up some supplies so when he visited his account manager he opened with, "Studmuffin Flintblade, it's a pleasure. I need to visit my vault."

Flintblade stared back in undisguised curiosity, "Studmuffin?"

Harry bowed his head solemnly, "Yes, of course. Judging from your photos, I assumed it was true. Forgive me if I made an error."

Flintblade waved off the apology, "What did I do to earn that title?"

Harry cocked his head slightly, "Well, amongst we humans there are three levels of proving yourself genetically. The first level is to be named a ‘Stud.’ You earn this by successfully fathering a minimum of three children. From your family photos, I'd say you clearly knocked that out of the park."

Flintblade glanced at his photo frame of him, his wife, and their five kids.

"The second level is to be named ‘Muffin.’ This denotes how lustful the gazes of your wife and any other women when you walk past." 

Flintblade puffed up a bit and bobbed his head a bit proudly, "Aye, I suppose. The third?"

"Highest level. Basically it combines the first two ranks. You are, according to this level, ‘walking sex.’ All the women drool at your mere presence and would willingly crawl through broken glass to just get a whiff of your...um, Goblin-ly musk," Harry finished, "I merely assumed you were the highest level."

After business hours concluded for the day, Flintblade went to hang out with some of his colleagues and friends. He related what Potter had said to him about bearing the mantle of being a ‘Studmuffin.’ "I'm telling you, I think it's a higher praise than being named 'Warrior!'"

***

A year later, Harry stopped in to refresh his financial situation and take a trip to his vault. All around him, wizards were engaged with the Goblins or departing the bank in a sort of confused daze. Harry overheard one teller greet Arthur Weasley as 'Stud Weasley.' As he waited for his account manager, he listened to a pair of witches commenting how strangely the Goblins were behaving, especially towards the wizards who were known fathers of three or more and were accompanied by a happy wife.

Flintblade approached him and bowed respectfully, "Muffin Potter, a pleasure."

Amused, Harry bowed back, "Studmuffin Flintblade. I have come in response to your letter. Shall we?"

As Flintblade led him back to his office, other Goblins called out greetings, and all with various levels of Stud, Muffin, or Studmuffin.

Internally, Harry was cackling madly, "Another trick successfully achieved!"

***

(Omake by UnbreakableJess):

Mr. Malfoy was incensed. He had no clue what was going on with the goblins' new title system, but he and some other purebloods were being excluded and he hated it. He practically threw a tantrum as he overheard "Muffin Potter" and "Studmuffin Greengrass" being ushered forward, while the goblin in front of him repeatedly referred to him as "Mr. Malfoy". What was going on???

ETA: I know it isn't canon that the Greengrass father had more than two girls, but it was pretty impossible to think of any wizarding family that would have met Stud qualifications beyond the Weasleys. So I went with fanon where there's sometimes a brother to the girls.

No words needed...
(Created by Rogar Myers):

They managed to wait until they had been married for their first time. Years of longing, years of frustration finally sliding away. Their bodies touching, being touched. Kisses growing in heated passion. Words no longer necessary, no longer able to express their ardent passion.

Clothes falling aside as useless barriers to their ultimate joining. The ancient dance sheer bliss beyond mortal comprehension. A divine union of their souls as blinding as a supernova.

The act completed, their hearts racing they lay together. Joined in law, in love, in body and in soul, emerald and amber eyes gazing without words. Expressing love without sounds. Forever in a day, an hour in a moment as they loved.

So much of their lives had been tempered by pain, racked by fear. For far too few moments they had peace and happiness. They learned to embrace those moments, to make them last as long as possible.

It was not a special occasion, it was not a birthday or an anniversary but Hermione left their toddling bundle with her godmother, the petite blonde understanding the need for passion to be embraced. Wishing Hermione great pleasure she took the child home with her to spend the night playing with her own child.

Harry came home, smiling as he saw a trail of dancing lights leading towards the bedrooms, the bathroom. The scent of honey and roses filled the air. A scent he knew so well from her body, her hair. Following the trail he found her, standing in the soft light, nothing hiding her from his view.

She said no words merely taking his hand with a smile to touch her heart. Their lips joining in slow burning passion. The fire no longer all consuming but a steady glow that infused their souls. Gave their days a bright gentle warmth.

His clothes fell to the side as she led him to the bath, returning the favors he so often gave her. The bubbles tickling their bodies as they kissed and touched. The water sliding across their skins in glistening trails. The warmth of the bath oil relaxing and yet enflaming their bodies.

The awkwardness of youth gone they felt no need to rush, no need to do anything but take their time as they let the water slosh in the tub unheeded, unnoticed, their bodies moving slowly causing gentle waves.

Harry relaxed and let Hermione take charge, take control over their joining. Let her guide him and dominate it didn't matter who led the dance as long as they danced. Their bodies entwined once again, a never ending bliss that was devoutly desired.

The bath lasted most of the evening, the bed reached only when they could no longer feel their bodies as separate entities. Bones and muscles relaxed enough to barely carry them, so they carried each other.

Aunt Luna helped us (Oh, no...)
(Created by Rogar Myers):

Harry came home to find his two daughters working on their toy princess carriage in the driveway. Listening for a moment before letting them know he was home he heard them talking about how to get the wheels to not fall off this time.

Stepping up with a concerned grin on his face he softly asked, "Hey girls, what are you doing?"

Ophelia, his eldest hid the etching tool behind her back as she quickly stood up, "Nuthin."

"Nothing?" Harry asked in the concerned tone every father develops.

"Ophelia is the one carving the runes. I'm just telling her how to do it." His youngest, Octavia said guilelessly.

"What Runes?" Harry asked in silent horror.

"The ones we had Aunt Luna translate for us."

Harry blinked several times then said in his best fatherly commanding voice. "Ladies, we need to go talk to Aunt Luna before you carve one more rune. Okay?"

"Aww Dad. She promised they wouldn't explode...This time."

Harry sighed, "Yeah. Let's go talk to Aunt Luna. Right now."

Putting the tools down both girls glumly got up and followed him. "Yes daddy.”

Inventor, Tinkerer, Wardmaster

Harry had put in his time at Hogwarts (either no Voldemort, the battle happened earlier, or someone else dealt with him) then immediately after graduation, left it behind to undertake his muggle education including shop classes, specifically machine shop. (The public despaired for their departing hero.)

You see, Harry had developed an idea to build a specialized engraver that would allow for precise control with computer controlled repeatability but unfortunately, the magical world had barely accepted the concept of electricity. 

Ten years go by when he finally makes his way back. During that time, he used his magical knowledge to shrink the size of the machine (which started off as a large worktable size creation) to be able to fit into a pocket yet still retain all of its functions. The engraver used multi-axis lasers to carve the symbols and plugged into a shielded laptop for the code.

He got hired by Gringotts to try out his device. The test they gave him was so fiendishly complex, it would give even the experts a run for their money. He designed the scheme using the software, setup the device, and hit start. There was a harsh buzzing noise coupled with a blinding light as the engraver began to operate.

"Is it supposed to do that?" One of the Goblins asked.

"This is normal," Harry explained, "The laser is literally vaporizing the rock along the programmed path. The timer says that it should be done in an hour so what do you say about getting something else done then come back to check?"

An hour later, they returned. The Goblins were naturally suspicious but one glance told them that the automated laser engraver had done the job flawlessly. 

"If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," the team leader began, his voice awed. 

Harry grinned, "Just imagine several warders trained in this technique. While the engraver is doing its job, those same people can be working on something else increasing efficiency and profitability."

The three Goblins stared with avarice in their eyes.

I'm the Author of my own life!

3rd year; Harry received a mysterious gift two days after the start of the school year. Upon opening it, he finds out that it's a blank notebook and a blue quill plus a small handwritten note:

' Potter, this is an enchanted journal. With it, you control what other people do or say. Merely write the person's name then have fun!'

Curious, he spotted Ron playing yet another game of chess. He picked up the quill, wrote Ron's name down with the words: 'RON WEASLEY' (declares loudly to the room), "I declare I'm a verifiable and certified major pain in the monkey's arse!"

Sure enough, Ron blurted the exact same line out to the room at large. Everyone present stared at the redhead before bursting into laughter. Emboldened, Harry tried the Notebook out on a few other people, including Hermione. (He had her dance a simple waltz with Lavender.)

***

Third year was rather enlightening for Harry. With the Notebook, he was able to learn the truth about Sirius Black, the betrayal of Peter Pettigrew, Professor Lupin's furry little secret, and why Professor Snape hated him so much. On top of that, he learned that Hermione was using a Time Turner for all of her classes and driving herself spare.

Harry had fun writing scenes for all the major characters like Draco putting the moves on a bewildered Vincent Crabbe, a suit of armor backhanding anyone who bullied Luna Lovegood, the elves rising up and threatening to overthrow the school if they didn't get their own Quidditch team, or Professor Flitwick challenging Dumbledore to a duel.

In the end, after Lupin's secret got out, there was not much he could do other than sympathize (and get him a Chocolate of the Month subscription.) When the Twins gifted him the Map, Harry figured out that he could write Sirius' actions to get him into the castle as well as getting Pettigrew to reveal himself. When Hermione found out about the Notebook, she suggested that he use it to get Director Amelia Bones to come up and hear Sirius out as well as arrest Pettigrew. 

***

By the time Spring had sprung, Sirius had been moved to a DMLE safe house, Pettigrew was in a secure holding cell dosed with Draught of Living Death, and Lupin was savoring the chocolates. (Snape was a lost cause in Harry’s opinion though, he did write in a segment where every time Snape felt anger towards him, he was to smack himself in the face with a frying pan.)

As they were boarding the train to head home, Harry and Hermione worked to scribble out a list of ideas to write in the Notebook. Chief amongst them was why Dumbledore seemed so intent on controlling Harry's life.

'The next few years ought to be interesting,' he thought as the train headed back to King's Cross.

Paying lip service (observation)

During the First Blood War Lily Potter was the only confirmed muggleborn within the Ootp, correct?

How many muggleborns were there besides Hermione in the Second?

I think that's a big reason why Albus' cult of personality was so ineffective during both conflicts. The magically-raised don't know how to properly wage war and they sure as Hell weren't going to risk their lives for the muggleborns despite promising them to champion them. 

Weasley vs Wood Quidditch 

Imagine if the Weasley brood put on an exhibition game with the other self-proclaimed Quidditch nuts, the Wood family. Can you imagine the announcer going spare calling out the names?

"Weasley passes the Quaffle to Weasley, back to Weasley, up to Weasley who shoots and scores!"

"Oh, that's gotta hurt! It's Wood to Wood now, Wood against Weasley, back to Wood who drops it down to Wood but Weasley intercepts it..."

Dr. Seuss, Horton Hears a Code 

Can you imagine the resistance using quotes from Dr. Seuss' books to pass along messages?

The Death Eaters who intercepted them were epically confused. "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish? What the bloody Hell does THAT mean?!"

Fighting for the Future

Godric Gryffindor sat in his office and stared forlornly out the window. It had been nearly five years since Salazar had left the school, upset with how the world was turning out. The muggles had stepped up their attacks on the magical populace and corrupting the hearts and minds of the muggleborn students. What made things worse, in his opinion, was that the safe harbor that was Hogwarts was quickly becoming a morass of differing moral beliefs; the House that Slytherin built was devolving into a breeding ground for aristocratic snobbery and elitism.

Godric's gaze slid over to where Fawkes sat. The eternal phoenix was a source of companionship that soothed his aggressive tendencies whenever the arguments became too heated. "Fawkes, what am I going to do? How can I convince Salazar that I'm sorry and that I would instantly welcome him home, no strings attached?"

Fawkes stared at him unblinkingly and let out a gentle trill.

"I just think that there has to be a better way to protect the sanctity of family than to take the children..." A warm feeling caressed his mind. His eyes widened, "Not take the children...exchange the children! The muggles have the ones who are capable of magic but have no idea how to raise them. We have some children with the opposite problem. What if we were to set up some governing body that figures out which families would match the children on both sides of the divide?"

Mind racing with ideas, Godric grabbed a quill and a roll of parchment and began writing out his ideas. The next day, bleary-eyed and stumbling into the Great Hall for breakfast, he dropped heavily into his chair. Rowena knelt down and stared with worry in her eyes, "What's wrong?"

The grin he gave her spoke of the opposite. "Nothing's wrong, Row. In fact, I may have a solution on how to get Salazar back." He handed her the finalized scroll and began building his plate. 

Rowena had to wade through the chicken scratch he laughingly called writing before giving him a warm smile of her own, "I'm sure he would approve. How do you propose to find him?"

He answered around the mouthful of fried potatoes, "Go over to that cabin of his in the East Meadow and knock on the door."

Rowena froze, "How...how do you know about the cabin?"

"Hogwarts told me. He may be cunning and crafty with the students but no one can hide from our girl. She knows everything and where everyone is." Godric gave her a wink and resumed eating.

***

After breakfast, Godric approached the lonely cabin in the woods. A snake sunning itself on a flat rock reared up to inspect the interloper. Godric bowed his head, "I don't know if you're one of the snakes who understands English, but would you please inform Salazar that I come in peace?"

The snake stared for a long moment before slithering into the brush. Godric patiently waited until he heard his friend's distinctive stride. "How did you know?" The man opened without preamble or greeting.

"Hogwarts, how else?" Godric had a knowing smirk on his face. "You can't hide from our girl."

Salazar rolled his eyes, "Presumptuous castle. What do you want, Godric?"

Holding out the scroll, "Two things. First and foremost, I want to apologize. Apologize for misunderstanding what you were worried about. Second, I think I have a solution to our problems with the muggles and the muggleborn."

Salazar bowed his head slightly as he took the scroll. As he was reading it, he hissed something. There was a slight popping noise which indicated that an elf was present.

Salazar glanced up at Godric, "Have you been using the elves to sneak into my study in the past week or so?" His tone wasn't accusatory but there was a hint of something.

Godric frowned in confusion, "No, until now I've had no reason to intrude. Why?"

Another pop as the hidden elf appeared and handed Salazar a scroll. Salazar examined the newly arrived parchment then handed them both over to Godric, "Just a hunch."

Godric stared at the words as he started to panic, "They're identical! I swear, I never..."

Now Salazar had that same smug smirk he always got when he succeeded at something, "Two things. First and foremost, I accept your apology. Second, you're not the only one who our girl talks to. I figured you'd come around eventually. Our girl just gave you the nudge you needed at the right time. Godric, you and I might fight on occasion but I hope you'll realize now that we've been fighting for the future."

***

Hundreds of years later...

With a final flourish, the signing of the International Statute of Secrecy was completed to great fanfare. The magical world would go into hiding from the Church and those who would hunt them down for religious reasons. Additionally, they would watch and observe the muggle world for signs that they were ready for reintegration. Every five years, a report on the State of the World would be published and at the end would be a yes or no to approach the muggles. 

The ghostly forms of Godric and Salazar hovered nearby. The pair looked on proudly at the key piece that made it all worthwhile. The Muggleborn Protection Act made it law that the muggle families who had magical children would be quietly approached and have the option of exchanging them for one of the children born in their world who didn't have any. If the parents said no, an offer would then be made to help relocate the family closer to the magical settlement in case of some emergency that may arise or just to share a cup of tea. 

Godric glanced over at Salazar, "I'd count this as a win."

Salazar nodded solemnly, "Yes, but we need to maintain an eternal watch over both. There will be conflicts, but what we've achieved here today is definitely worth fighting for."

Memory Charms Codified
I think I may have just codified memory charms...

General Spells

Action: Transfer memory (X) to mind (Y) 

Spell: Transferre memoriam (X) ad mentem (Y)

Y = name of the destination mind

(Ex. Used to transfer memories in general.)

>>>

Core Spells

Action: Reveal magical identity (Z1; Z2)

Spell: magicae identitatis revelare

Z1 = Harry Potter 

Z2 = Lord Voldemort

(Used by the caster to differentiate whose mind is whose.)

Alt. Action: Reveal and name magical identity (Z1; Z2)

Alt. Spell: Revelare et nomine magicae identitatis (Z1; Z2)

>>>

Action: Affix memory (X) to magical identity (Z2)

Spell: Affigere memoriam (X) ad magica indentitatis (Z2)

X = name of memory to be triggered by the presence of Z2.

Z2 = name of magical signature (ex. Lord Voldemort)

(Ex. The presence of Lord Voldemort in Harry's mind starts the special memory playback. Used as an automatic resetting guardian so repeated applications are not necessary.)

>>>

Action: Affix magical identity (Z2) to memory (X) until finished

Spell: Affigere magicae identitatis (Z2) memoriae (X) usque ad perfectum 

(Ex. Prevents Lord Voldemort from leaving the designated memory until it is finished. This spell is an alternative to the previous one.)

>>>

Action: Protect magical identity (Z1) from memory (X)

Spell: Magicae identitatis praesidio a memoria 

(Ex. Keeps Harry from knowing that LV is watching the memory.)

>>>

Action: suppress power to magical identity (Z2)

Spell: identitatem magica (Z2) ad potentiam supprimunt

(Ex. Prevents Lord Voldemort from harming Harry while trying to escape the memory.)

Chapter Text

Ah Hell, I don't wanna!

10 years Post Graduation (Voldemort was taken out permanently in '81); Harry's received an invitation to attend Hogwarts' Class of '98 Ten-year Reunion.

"But I don't wanna go!" Harry whined to Hermione, who was giving him a playful scrunch of her nose as she teased him. "In ten years, who've I been really in contact with besides the Longbottoms and Daphne?"

Hermione scruffled her fingers through his perpetually messy hair, "Aww, come on! It'll be fun! You get to go back and rub everyone's nose in the fact that you're a big shot (author's choice of profession) who travels the world and has the hottest wife on the planet! Imagine Draco whining his usual catchphrase when he realizes the many missed opportunities because he refused to believe that the muggles have so much to offer."

Harry grumbled about how he'd rather face a swarm of Dementors or fight Voldemort in hand to hand combat than face the old crowd and pouted once more but to no avail.

Hermione giggled and kissed him on the nose before excitedly bouncing off to see what their kids were up to.

(Author’s choice as to what sort of social nightmare the reunion is and what mystery rears its ugly head.)

The Hot Topic at Gryffindor Table is...

3rd year;

Harry approached the teacher's table one morning, a curious expression on his face and a twinkle in his eye, "Professor Flitwick, perhaps you can answer this question."

Filius returned with a happy smile of his own, "What's the question?"

"When describing the plural form of Lumos; is it 'Lumoses' or 'Lumosi?'"

Flitwick chuckled, "Is this what passes for conversation at your table, Mr. Potter?"

Harry flapped a hand over his shoulder dismissively, "Sort of. This one is being batted around by Hermione, myself, Neville, and a couple of other studious-minded people. Ron, Seamus, and Dean are discussing the latest merits in holding a wet t-shirt contest for girls like Susan Bones, Daphne Greengrass, or Lavender Brown plus some from the older years. The Weasley twins are discussing whether or not to import more ingredients for their special brownies recipe. But enough about them; Lumoses or Lumosi?"

Minerva narrowed her eyes dangerously at the mention of the planned contest and whatever nonsense the elder Weasleys were planning and rose sharply to her feet to give her opinion to such endeavors. 

Filius snorted in amusement, "Well, I can't say much about Mr. Weasley and his friends but to answer your question, the answer is 'Lumens' or 'Lumina.'"

Harry whirled back to the table and warbled (his voice was still cracking) "Hermione! It's Lumens!"

Her voice floated back full of righteous satisfaction, "I told you so! You owe me a Galleon, Potter!”

The Miniature Magical World

Starts at age 9

Growing up, Harry'd always been fascinated by miniature figurines, buildings, and more. He's even gotten to build a few things here and there whenever he'd save his pocket money or had been given gifts at Christmas. 

One day, as he was returning home from a school outing, he noticed a building (author's choice) that practically begged to be modeled. The moment he got inside, he raced up to his room and pulled out his supplies. When he was done, he smiled and tapped it with his "wand" which in reality was nothing more than an interestingly shaped twig (or so he thought) and intoned, "I, Harry James Potter, declare you ready!"

The next day, he spotted the same building but now it didn't look the same. It hadn't been cleaned up or repainted but there were now some features that resembled the little "greeblies" he'd included with his miniature. Not knowing what to make of it, Harry resolved to ask his aunt later.

***

When he did ask his aunt, Petunia Dursley smiled comfortingly and suggested that it was probably just his imagination that those little bits miraculously appeared.

Disappointed, he went up to his room, pulled out the building and with a marker; wrote his name and the date on the side.

***

The next morning, Vernon answered a rather strong knocking on their door which revealed itself to be a pair of police officers who wanted to talk to Harry about vandalizing a building. Rather than be scared, he brought down his model and explained, "Whatever I do to this, happens in real life!"

Naturally, the adults didn't believe him. Harry frowned peevishly, "If you don't believe me, send someone over with a radio. I'll prove it!"

Figuring that it wouldn't hurt (and humor the lad), an officer went out and radioed that he was in position. He looked on in utter astonishment as the words "Do you believe me now?" appeared on the walls.

***

Flash forward two years, Harry gets his letter to Hogwarts and is introduced to Diagon Alley by Hagrid. While there, Harry spots some of his modifications that the shopkeepers have mentioned as mysteriously appearing and disappearing over the past couple of years.

From that point forward, whenever Harry wants to alter the outcome in his interactions with Dumbledore, Voldemort, or whoever means him harm; all he does is pull out his craft kit and makes a miniature of it.

Hooray for Magical Hollywood!

(Created by Mon Capitan):

I can see it now. Harry Potter and Voldemort coming to an accord over cinema.
Ooh. This brings up an idea. Imagine if a young Tom Riddle had managed to discover the cinema somehow before being accepted into Hogwarts. Prior to that he had ambitions of becoming a movie director. After discovering his heritage and his magic, he decides to combine the two becoming the first movie director to make films for both sides of the divide (using magical methods to create some of the most realistic looking special effects ever). Can you imagine what someone as talented, intelligent and ambitious as Tom decided to use what they were born with toward creative endeavors?

Also on that note, how would such a development affect the intake into Slytherin House and what the House stands for? Because, he was a truly charismatic individual at one point. If he never became a dark lord, split his soul, and turned insane, he would still have that charisma. By the time Harry Potter enters Hogwarts, Magical Britain could be a very different place.

Now I have this mental image of Dumbledore watching one of Tom's films with the Hogwarts staff making a game of spot the magic whenever there is a special effects heavy scene. In order to score points, you have to name the type of magic used, at what scene in the movie and where in the shot it was used. Also, can you imagine how amusing it would be if the film industry as whole had applied for and received limited exemptions from the Statute partially due to Tom's success?

Who am I to argue?

Summer before 5th year; at Grimmauld Place. 

Kreacher hates the fact that a mudblood dares to stand in the home of his eternal Mistress. Hermione knows he doesn't like her and has been fretting on how to remedy this.

Finally, an idea flickered to life. 

She went and found Sirius holed up in the Master's Study reading through some papers. He looked up at the sound of her footsteps, "What's up, girlfriend of the pup?"

She gave him a half-hearted sneer, "Sirius, I was wondering if you could give a warning to Kreacher and make sure he follows it?"

Perplexed, Sirius frowned, "I suppose it might work. What's the warning?" As she whispered in his ear; her words made him laugh, "I'll do it! Kreacher!"

The grumpy elf appeared, "Nasty blood Traitor Master calls Kreacher?"

Sirius grew well, serious, "Kreacher, you have been rude and belligerent to Miss Granger from the moment she entered this house. This behavior is unacceptable to me as the Lord of the Black Family. From this point forward, every time that you utter ANY slurs against Miss Granger and Harry Potter; you will lose the right to clean one room in this house or any other property the family owns. That room will instead be given to a younger, more capable house-elf. Do you understand?"

Kreacher stared back in mute horror for a long moment before slowly nodding his acceptance.  Sirius dismissed him and turned back to Hermione, "Now for you, young lady; why have you been neglecting your duties as Harry Potter's girlfriend? Shouldn't you be kissing each other's lips raw? Do I need to get creative with the wards?"

Hermione let out a half squeal of indignation before storming off in an embarrassed huff.

***

Later up in Harry's room, she was indeed trying to kiss Harry into submission. Harry broke contact long enough to ask, "Not that I'm complaining, but why the sudden interest in snogging?"

She gave him one more deeply sensual kiss, "Sirius threatened to alter the wards on the house to boot me out unless I was in close proximity to you. I figured that since I have to be close to you, I might as well make it interesting."

Harry stared at her in consternation, "SIRIUS said that?!"

She shrugged and traced her tongue around his ear, "I don't think he would actually boot me out but he did promise to do something creative with them so I didn't want to risk it." She leaned in and kissed him on the tip of his nose then reached for the hem of her jumper, and deftly pulled it off leaving her clad in only a red lacy bra, "Who am I to argue against spending some quality time with my boyfriend?"

Harry stared hungrily at her newly exposed body and licked his lips, "Definitely not going to argue with that."

Wanna start some Christmas Chaos?

(Reworked and posted to JAET under the same name)

6th year; Parody prompt

Instead of the usual Secret Santa shtick, Harry writes to Voldemort and proposes a swap of minions for a day just to see what would happen. 

Bella, Lucius, the Carrow twins, Augustus Rookwood, and Fenrir Greyback would be traded to the Light while Ron, the Patil twins, Hermione, Neville, and Luna would go to the Dark.

***

Unsurprisingly, chaos erupts as both groups try to adjust to their new situation. Ron is Crucioed within an hour simply because he won't shut up about how the Chudley Cannons almost made it to the playoffs, Parvati Patil is almost immediately adopted by Narcissa (who loves the girl's gossipy nature and fashion sense), Hermione and Padma disappear into the library and refuse to leave until this experiment is done with. Neville discovers a strange, nearly-sentient fungus growing in the basement and unwittingly releases a horde of mutated creatures that resembled swamp toadstools crossed with garden gnomes.

Luna just sits down like a Queen on Voldemort's throne and stares at him unblinkingly, utterly unnerving the Dark Lord within moments. He doesn't DARE try to dethrone her for some inexplicable reason he can't put his finger on. Every time he merely thinks about it, there's a sort of clicking, chattering noise that seems to emanate from the shadows.

***

Meanwhile, Bella has discovered the joys of baking after she was put to work by Molly. Cookies, brownies, pies, pudding...she loves it all and how wonderful the spices make the manor smell. Lucius gets into an argument with both Arthur and Sirius over matters of Pureblood Supremacy, the Carrow Twins are just sitting on the couch utterly confused at all the mad behavior surrounding them and wondering why it isn't resulting in Crucio's being thrown around like confetti.
Augustus Rookwood was drawn into a discussion of the mechanics of magic in the pursuit of improving pranking techniques with the Weasley Twins while Fenrir was dragged into becoming their unwilling test subject.

Conversations and viewpoints ebb and flow, all are changed by the experience, and all can agree that they HATE Dolores Umbridge! (Opinions vary on Albus.)

Just normal dentists, right?

What if Mr. and Mrs. Granger were more than two mild-mannered dentists? What if they were anarchists (or something like government-sanctioned agitators)?

After Hermione's first year, they sat her down and got the whole, unvarnished truth about what Magical Britain is really like. Not liking where Hermione's tale was leading them, both parents decided to do something about it.

Both parents reached out to their past contacts to set up and organize a propaganda war against the magically-raised bigots. Radio spots, newspaper inserts, eyewitness statements; all of it pointing to the "fact" that the Statute of Secrecy was tearing itself apart and all the blame could be laid squarely on the shoulders of Albus Dumbledore. 

Along the way, they uncover the family situation of Harry Potter, the illegal incarceration of Sirius Black, Will tampering, fraud, and so much more.

As a final touch, they hire disgruntled squibs and muggleborns to stage a coup against the Ministry for Magic, demanding greater rights for ALL of its citizens not just the aristocracy. Fudge's administration and Aurors fight back but come to find that another player has entered the game.

***

The doors to the Wizengamot banged open causing everyone to spin around so fast that many created a sharp crick in their necks. Eyes widened as mouths dropped open as Queen Elizabeth 2 briskly entered the Wizengamot chambers and glared at everyone in disappointment, "Members of this council and the magical community. You have a lot to answer for and We are NOT happy."

Let the Magic Flow Through You

4th year Graveyard Scene 

"Avada Kedavra!!" 

The green light of death raced towards Harry with the scream of a thousand anguished angels. Figuring he had nothing left to lose, Harry closed his eyes and opened himself up to his magic fully.

***

Back at Hogwarts, all sound suddenly stopped. It was as if the entire world held its breath. The humans of the ancient school looked around them in silent curiosity, 'What caused this?' Just as the silence reached a level of unmatched tension, a towering pillar of light shot up towards the heavens. It was so powerful that even the muggles could see it. Alarms rang out in their government and military centers, as those 'in the know' knew a massive change had just occurred. 

***

For Harry, nothing happened. More specifically, he did not feel as if he'd been killed. He cracked his eyes open and started at the sight of the bolt from Voldemort's killing curse hovering motionless about a foot from his chest. Come to think of it, everything was motionless; except for a beam of scintillating light that seemed to be moving towards him.

"Am I dead?" He asked as he tracked the beam of light as it ghosted around the graveyard.

"That remains to be seen," he heard from all around him.

"Who are you? Why can't I see you?" Harry called out, a little bit nervous now.

"Do not fear, Harry James. You cannot see me simply because you were not properly trained to do so."

Slowly nodding his understanding, "So are you Death?"

"Death, life, I'm all aspects."

Gesturing around him, "So why did you do this?"

"I didn't. You did when you opened yourself up to Magic, Harry James."

Carefully, Harry moved away from the frozen in place killing curse and over to where a snarling Voldemort stood, "Is there anything I can do to kill him permanently?"

"You are in control of everything that happens. If you want him gone, all you have to do is ask."

Pursing his lips, Harry got a determined look on his face, "In that case, I'm asking. Everything that has ever been regarding him, whatever it is that's keeping him here in this world; I want it gone. The only thing that should be allowed to remain is the memory planted in everyone's mind that he died here cowering in fear at my feet while still in that mutated form he was before being reborn. Let the Dark see and understand that their supposed 'Lord' was nothing more than a pathetic whimpering cheat and a coward."

"Your Will be done."

Harry sighed in relief as Voldemort's body reverted itself back into its pre-rebirth state, pulsed in an eerie greenish-white light then vanished from sight. "Now I just need to deal with Dumbledore. He's not going to let this go, is he?"

"Only if you let him. If you wish him to stop, all you have to do is ask."

This time Harry cracked a grin, one that any of the Marauders (or their victims) would instantly recognize, "The man loves to be the center of attention with all eyes on him. Let's give him what he wants, shall we? Transport him to some far-flung country like Istanbul and turn him into a white marble statue. Attach a plaque to the base written in the local dialect, "Here stands a fool who thought he could run the world as he saw it. May his legacy be one of failure and for the Greater Good of ALL."

"Any particular reason why there?"

Harry shrugged, "It's away from here where the message might become twisted. Better that he be left as the center of attention amongst the locals for a while before becoming forgotten about elsewhere."

"It will be done. Anything else?"

Harry glanced around, "No, oh wait! Could I bring Cedric back to life? It's not fair to his family and friends if he died for a lost cause. After that, no I'm good."

***

Time resumed; Cedric coughed, opened his eyes, and painfully pulled himself upright. As he surveyed the extensive damage to the graveyard, he spotted Harry hobbling over to him, "What the...Harry?"

Sweaty, dirty, and utterly exhausted; Harry knelt down and helped his friend to his feet, "It's over Cedric. This whole bloody thing is over. Let's go home."

You got the Death Eaters, so I went with...

Summer of 5th year

Annoyed with Magical Britain as a whole for yet another reason (pick one); Harry decides it's time to toss his hat into the propaganda war against the Ministry. He's tired of having his name slandered in the press for proclaiming that Voldemort was back and being an attention-seeking liar. He pulls together Hermione, the Weasley Twins, Luna, and Colin Creevey to help him take his message to the people.

***

It starts off as a grassroots effort. Seemingly random teenagers start sporting their own lightning bolt "scars" (in reality it's a muggle prosthetic appliqué.) Word on the street is that Harry Potter is putting together his own group and they're pulling no punches. They take to the streets and hold sit-ins, ambush known Death Eaters and their sympathizers to give them a forced makeover (think hippies draping flowers and throwing incense over everyone and thing), loudly protesting the treatment of the lower ranked members of society, and pretty much rally around any other anti-establishment slogan they can think of.

One reporter (other than Skeeter) asks Harry why he's going to all the trouble. Looking the reporter straight in their eyes, "If I'm going to be slandered and ridiculed, I'm not going to go down without a fight. The future belongs to us. The last generation gave us Death Eaters and nonstop nepotism. We, on the other hand, are going to expose this underlying rot for what it is and vanquish the enemy in the most embarrassing way possible!"

"How so?" The reporter pressed.

Harry's smile was predatory, "Can you really picture someone down the line wanting to emulate a group who got taken out by a bunch of teenagers known as 'Potter's Pals?’”

Just some TRULY Errant thoughts...

What if the known method of apparition was originally intended for use by combat troops who needed a fast way to get onto the battlefield?

What if the original method was a bit slower and resembled the effect of stepping through a smooth sheet of falling water?

***

You know all of those classic words used in casting magic? Alkazam, bibbity-bobbity-boo, open sesame, etc? Why couldn't they be used to create an effect? As long as the Arithmancy checks out, who's to say otherwise?

Which witch/wizard is which?

It was 3rd year for the Weasley Twins and they wanted to do something spectacular for their birthday. Flipping through their Journal of Madcap Mayhem, they spoke in their special twinspeak. 

"How about..."

"No, we did that last week..."

"Ooh, this looks...

"What if we..."

"Capital idea, brother!"

***

April 1st, April Fool's day and appropriately their birthday, Fred and George eagerly waited in the Great Hall for their "guests" to arrive.

As soon as the other students crossed the threshold of the door, a rune-based glamour charm was applied to each of them randomly in the form of Professors McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Snape, Dumbledore, Sinastra, and Vector (they jointly figured that the Defense professor wouldn't be there too long, and the CoMC teacher was missing too many limbs.)

The real professors had mixed emotions. Severus was naturally apoplectic, Minerva looked to the heavens for Divine Intervention; while Flitwick and Sprout were laughing. Even Albus got into the spirit by complimenting his doppelgangers on a fine showing.

"Messers Weasley!" Minerva called down to the only two students unaffected, "How long will this effect last?"

Fred was still rolling in laughter at a certain bushy-haired Severus Snape who continued to glare at him, which left it up to George to reply that the glamour would last eight hours. A lightning-scarred bespectacled Septima Vector was examining herself using one of the golden plates and bobbing her head as if to say, "Meh, it could be worse."

The real Minerva gave them both a disapproving glare and sat down. The real Severus demanded that they cancel the effects or face a lifetime of detention with him. The real Filius waved him down, "Relax, Severus; it's not hurting anyone and I see it as a learning experience. Always be aware of your surroundings before entering."

***

For the rest of the day, it was utterly hilarious and slightly unnerving to see a bunch of Minervas cuddling with their boyfriends in the guise of either Flitwick, Snape, or Dumbledore. Likewise were the first year Filius' grouped together bouncing in their seats asking questions. Name tags adorned their robes identifying who was really who.

The really unnerving part was seeing the multitude of Severus' walking the hallways and speaking in stereo, "You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through the human veins, bewitching the minds, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even stopper death — if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."

Gryffindors Got Back

3rd year; deciding the time was ripe for him to pull his own large-scale prank, Harry approached the Fat Lady aka The Guardian Portrait of Gryffindor Tower.

"Madam, are single word passwords the only means to enter?"

She peered curiously at him, "No, sometimes there are two or even three words used depending on the phrase chosen."

Harry ruminated slightly, "Would you consent to making someone who wishes to enter by singing a song?"

Pleasantly surprised, she nodded, "Which song? Is it an opera, an aria, or a poem?"

Harry took a step back, took a pose, and cleared his throat, "I like big butts and I cannot lie...”

Weasleys, Bundys...whatever 

Percy Weasley isn't really the brown-noser everyone thinks he is. He's way too smart to just be that; so when he was promoted to be a Junior Minister under Fudge then later Scrimgeour and Thicknesse; he used that level of smarts to trick the Ministry.

His job unofficially, is to spy on his family (and whoever comes to visit them.) Rather than report on the ACTUAL dealings, Percy delves into his father's knowledge of muggle culture and uses the plot lines of an American muggle television series "Married...with children."

He keeps his family's names the same but all of their actions and whatnot are pulled straight from the script. As a result, the Ministry doesn't know which way is up regarding the redheaded family.

When the Twins find out what Percy's done, they're stunned to say the least. Percy just sniffs haughtily and buffs his nails on his robes, "The Sorting Hat did recommend Slytherin, but I reasoned that it didn't show true cunning to be sorted into the House where it was expected."

He then sauntered off whistling a jaunty tune, leaving the Twins (and their jaws) scraping on the ground.

Let's have a drink to celebrate!

Knowing that the Goblins are warriors by nature, and according to all of the reputable history books, those same warriors celebrate the closing of their deal makings with a toast of alcohol (mead, grog, wine, etc.)

Harry however, wants to take it a step further. If he can get the Director of Gringotts drunk off his bum, he might be able to squeeze some more concessions out of the greedy blighter. To that end, he contacts an American friend of Hermione's dad who sends Harry several bottles of his best shine along with a note that it MUST be ingested SLOWLY and in SMALL doses!

Armed with the white lightning and a couple of glasses, Harry aims to go down in history and maybe take a few others with him!!

Let them brew this instead...

September 1982

'Professor Severus Snape' that sounded so good to Severus as he examined his new professorial robes in the mirror and sneered at the thought of being forced to teach the imbecilic children of those who dared to taunt him while he was in school. "Now, the question is: what shall I have them make?"

He was digging through some old books when he came across a list of medicines listed as 'Over-the-counter' or easily obtained items. "Hmm, acetylsalicylic acid...Bismuth Subsalicylate...Oral gel pain reliever... Intriguing."

***

The students in his first class did reasonably well in his opinion. True, they were not learning how to brew the sorts of potions that would come up in their OWLs or NEWTs, but those same students were the muggleborns and half-bloods, hardly worth his time; the purebloods could (and did) hire tutors privately, at least the well-off families did. Those who couldn't, it still didn't behoove Severus to care. He taught them how to brew potions in whatever form they may take; that's all his contract stated, and it was as far as he was willing to go. If the Board or WEA wanted to fire him, well that was just fine in his book. He'd be able to get away from the headmaster and all of his idiotic plots and plans then.

Severus cackled to himself as he thought about what sort crimp his being fired would do to Albus' plans. 'It's for the Greater Good, after all!’

Chapter Text

It’s Your Own Damn Fault, Albus!

Magic is most definitely NOT happy with Albus Dumbledore and his manipulations. First with the thing with his sister, Grindlewald, Tom Riddle, and now with Harry Potter; the forces behind everything that gives Magic its shape have decided enough is enough. 

They came to him in a dream (though Albus would consider it to be a nightmare); the gods and goddesses of Magic convened a trial and found him guilty. Albus' punishment? For every manipulation of another sentient being, 1% of his original magic would be removed permanently. At this point in his life, that amounts to nearly 80% taken away. If he should hit 90%, they warn him; his health will drastically fall. To show that they mean business, a ghostly number will glow on his forehead indicating how much percentage he has remaining. 

*** 

Naturally, he doesn't believe it so continues to plot and plan. Another 5% is removed before he starts getting twinges in his core. Too late, Albus realizes in horror that his magic will most likely take another large hit, especially this close to when Harry is supposed to start at Hogwarts! 

Now the push is on to save what percentage he has left, test the boy, and fulfill the requirements of the Prophecy to his satisfaction before his number is up.

Surfing the Concrete Waves

So skateboarding was hugely popular during the 80s and 90s. Can you imagine if Hermione was actually a lot more active when she could use her longboard back at home? I can picture that's the reason why she'd be in such a huff during school with the medieval pathways and restricted into having to walk in the hallways. 

https://youtu.be/v0mYF08ZIwg

The Power of Positive Thinking 

You ever hear the oft-repeated line that thinking positively will affect your surroundings? Harry discovered that this was especially true in the magical world. 6th year, and with threats of open war raging all around the school; he decides to see if it was possible to change how people felt. 

Great idea, on the surface at least, but this IS Harry Potter we're talking about and the Potter Luck (or Curse) is about to rear its ugly head. 

*** 

Wanting everyone to be relaxed, happy, and feeling like they're part of a family; he focuses on those feelings. The problem though was, Magic misunderstood his intentions and caused all of the eligible girls (15 years and older) to start acting "clucky" by getting all of the signs of being pregnant (nesting tendencies, food cravings, sighing over baby clothes, baby name books, etc.) 

Throughout this, Harry remains oblivious until he's accosted by Hermione who drags him into an empty classroom and lays out the harsh truth to him. Momentarily surprised, his eyes start to get that Marauder Twinkle. "How is this a bad thing, Hermione? If everyone is focused on settling down and starting a family, they’ll have less incentive to go fight. If you're willing to help, we can change the way the guys are thinking too." 

Temporarily agreeing, the pair enlist the aid of their friends to reshape the relationship landscape from the inside out. From the start, the group learns that not everyone is capable of producing good results. Ron's "happy thoughts" leads to more fights breaking out with the Slytherins, Zachariah Smith of Hufflepuff caused an increase in pomposity, Draco caused the muggleborns to feel inadequate, while Crabbe and Goyle left everyone feeling rather befuddled. 

Still, even after Dumbledore was killed by Snape; the mood within the castle was still positive, hope and a strange sense of family pervaded the castle and its inhabitants. The muggleborns knew that the castle would protect them so they made plans to bring their parents and siblings up. The purebloods, even those from darker families purposely "forgot" about these plans, helped those same muggleborns move to the castle, or relayed false information. 

With all of these changes, the battlefield outside ended up being very different from what Voldemort and the late Albus had intended.

The Defeater of Grindlewald, Corporal Granger?

What if Albus was a day late to that fateful moment in magical history? According to canon, Grindlewald was on the run from the advancing Magical Allied Forces at the end of World War 2. Cold, exhausted, starving; he had managed to find some shelter when Albus Dumbledore had phoenix-flamed in and waged a final titanic battle with his ex-lover and friend before managing to subdue and capture him as well as claiming the Elder wand.

Now, instead of Dumbledore being the hero; what if it was a lowly (in the magical world's eyes) Squib named Corporal Robert Granger who shot Grindlewald in the hip forcing the villain to surrender before he bled out? Would the magical community celebrate a Squib as a hero or a discarded non-magical son who got off a lucky shot? What would that do to Albus' plans for the Greater Good and later dealing with Voldemort? How would it affect Hermione later in life as she grew up hearing the stories about magical battles and heroic soldiers?

Magical Atomic Detonation (observation)

Accidental magic. It usually starts in young children caused by strong emotions. Do you suppose that even after starting at Hogwarts, there would still be bouts of accidental magic taking place or would the castle's wards reroute/suppress it?

Think about it, all of the animosity between Harry and whoever's picking on him (Snape, Draco, Dumbledore, Umbridge, etc) there hasn't been a single mention of an explosion or something like that happening? During the fight between Harry and Voldemort in the Ministry Atrium after Sirius' death or during the Battle of Hogwarts, you would think that Harry would just unleash his magic in one titanic...pulse; not too dissimilar to the detonation videos of atomic bombs wiping out everything in its path.

If Harry did that, I would love to read about it.

Playing the Long Con (observation)

Another quick thought. In the memory provided by Severus to Harry in HPDH2, Severus angrily shouts, "He doesn't need protection, the Dark Lord is gone!" Albus tells Severus that the Dark Lord will return.
Not 'might' or 'could;' Will. How could he have known that? Did Albus know that Voldemort used Horcruxes for years and kept it secret before finally admitting it to Harry in HBP?

How long was he planning on keeping it a secret from those who could've ended the conflict once and for all?

Proof that canon Albus is a liar and Dark. Playing the long con to bring about his personal vision of the Greater Good.

All Hail WHO??!

Draco Malfoy teams up with the most unlikely person to help pull off a prank: Harry Potter 

Starts at King's Cross at the end of the school year (author picks which year) 

***

Harry approached Draco where the blond boy was standing with his parents as the students got off the train, "Draco, remember the passphrase." His face slightly pinched with worry. 

"I remember it, Potter; stop nagging." 

"I know, but it's critical to our mission's success," Harry replied; he gave the elder Malfoys a polite nod then walked away. 

Lucius looked curiously at his son, "Passphrase? What for?" 

Draco shook his head, looking around nervously, "Not here; it's too public." 

Lucius set up a privacy spell, "Tell me." 

Draco still looked worried, "Okay, remember this 'Lather, rinse, repeat; always repeat.'" 

Both Lucius and Narcissa were still utterly confused but Draco refused to say any more until they got home. 

*** 

At Malfoy Manor... 

"I've been patient enough, what's this all about?" Lucius demanded. 

"Mind control. That phrase cancels out the effects of a new type of mind control. There are four trigger words that render everyone exposed to the initial plot unable to resist the influence of the speaker. It all started at our Welcoming Feast. Dumbledore said the four words and for the entire year, we were unable to write to our families about what really happened on the third floor corridor and we still can't to this day." 

Narcissa's eyes were wide as she clutched her husband's arm, "How and who figured out the cancelation phrase?" 

"Harry Potter," he held his hand up at their protests, "I know, I was shocked too but once my mind was cleared, it turned out that we're actually friends despite the mind control to think otherwise." 

"Dumbledore! I knew there was something rotten about him!" Lucius raged. "Are the four words the same each year?" 

Draco shook his head, "No, they're different each year. That's what made the Arithmancy so difficult from what I heard." 

Lucius sneered, "I need to get the others involved with this, who knows what else he's hiding or doing to our heirs!" He stormed out of the room. 

Narcissa turned her fearful eyes back to Draco, "So what happens now?" 

"I'm going to my room to unwind. Good evening, Mother." After he entered his room, he closed and locked the door and made sure to silence everything before letting out a whoop of delight, "All Hail Harry Potter! The Master of Mayhem! Best fifty Galleons I ever spent."

That 90s Magical Show
Harry Potter and That 70s Show crossover 

A comedy revolving around a group of teenage friends, their mishaps, and their coming of age, set in 1990s Godric's Hollow. Harry Potter is a typical high school student growing up in Wales in 1996 with his family and his friends. 

*** 

From IJN_GENSUI: 

When Luna gets high, she becomes studious and literal like Hermione. 

Hermione becomes very...friendly with Harry. 

When Draco comes home stoned out of his gourd, most of the Death Eaters (even Tom!) reminisce about a certain time in the 70s. (Of course, Draco's high is DESTROYED when Lucius and Narcissa make inferences as to how "friendly" they got while under the influence.) 

Ron's appetite is amplified to the tenth power. No food is safe. The Twins enter him into the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest and clean house when he wins.

I must respect my betters 

5th year; Umbridge is in power at Hogwarts after Dumbledore turned chicken and abandoned his school. 

After completing a seemingly endless detention writing 'I must respect my betters' with the Blood Quill; Hermione gets her infamous 'I'm thinking, disturb me at your own peril' look that not even the Darkest Slytherins dared to disrupt. 

Nothing of note seems to happen for the next week. Random inspections, draconian rules, even harsher disciplines against the muggleborns and Light-side students; it seemed as if the rot that had engulfed the Ministry was ready to consume Hogwarts too. 

But on Halloween, a tiny spark of hope burst into life. Plastered across the front page of the Daily Prophet was an article decrying Dolores Umbridge of falsifying her heritage as well as lying to everyone that she was a staunch opponent of anything muggle. A photo spread showed Dolores shopping in a muggle grocery, clothier, and enjoying an evening at a muggle strip retinue (that was put on by the Australian 'Thunder from Down Under.') 

"This reporter has to wonder about the veracity of Madam Umbridge's claims of being a pureblood from a well-respected family. These photos were verified by both the Goblins of Gringotts as well as our own Auror Department so now we're left wondering...What is Dolores Umbridge planning to do with our children? Is she grooming them for some kind of unholy war against the longstanding traditions of our world?"

*** 

After the very public ouster and arrest of the Toad, Harry turned to Hermione and asked her how she managed to do all this. Hermione smugly raised her scarred hand, "I merely proved who’s better.”

It’s a Head Scratcher 

Let's say for the moment that Weasley Twins are 13 years old (Harry's first year) and are given a battery of tests by the teachers to determine just how talented they truly are. Fred and George score Outstanding on the OWLs and at minimum EE on the NEWTs. Severus even slips in a couple of Mastery level questions.

Would it be plausible for the school to not only be at a loss as to where to go next, but also wonder if they could get away with signing the Twins up with a muggle university?

The Game That Shall Not Be Named

'There exists a board game whose name must never be uttered. It is a game so Dark that not even the Dark Lord will go near. So many friendships and relationships have been destroyed by this one game. Waivers must be signed before it can be played, wands must be handed over to our Head of House, and first years are strictly forbidden from playing.

You have been warned, thy Son or Daughter of the House that Slytherin built. Play at your own peril!' -- written on the door leading into the Slytherin game room.

***

"Potter, I challenge you to a game," Draco declared pompously.

Harry glanced curiously at the others around them then back to the arrogant blond, "A game? Not a duel?"

"If it comes to that; you and me on the battlefield of the most dangerous game within the Hallowed Halls of Slytherin House!" There were gasps of shock from the other green-clad students. Harry looked askance at Hermione who merely shrugged.

"Fine by me. Which game?"

Draco leaned in and spoke one word ominously, "Monopoly."

Hermione couldn't help the bubble of laughter that came up, "You're all scared of Monopoly? Wow, that's like a child's game to the muggleborns." 

Harry agreed with her, "I'll still play you, Draco but let's make it interesting. Every time you land on 'Go to Jail' you have to either pay the release fee or try to solve at least one face of a Rubick's Cube."

Hermione and several other muggleborns shivered, "Now THAT’S an evil game!"

Draco self-assuredly held out his hand, "Game on, Potter..."

Wash Away the Lies
1st year; 

Harry floats the concept of a truth telling potion mixed in with a lemon-scented hand soap or shampoo to the Weasley Twins so it can be gifted to Albus. 

Because it's a topical treatment, it takes a while for effects to happen (no more than 2 applications.) The more he uses it, the less he'll be able to effectively lie or keep secrets because who would ever suspect the soap?

Feline Fight Club

Reviewer JBSteele came up this after reading a scene in my current story “Harry Potter and the Miniature Magical World” Chapter 5 (Ao3), where Harry and crew are having an afternoon of 'deep thoughts' and wondered if Minerva ever picked petty fights with the other Hogwarts cats just to blow off steam. 

***

Ding! Ding! 

The bell sounded from the side of the dusty room, from the Chihuahua tied down next to the bored tomcat with a scar on his face, a cigar in his mouth, and razor-sharp claws positioned next to the Chihuahua's family jewels.

The orange tabby refereeing the match had already gave the 'clean match' speech with a wink and stepped back, knowing that it was going to be anything but. Behind his back, the thick swishing tail swept the legs out from under one of the ring kitties and she tumbled to the floor with a screech. She landed on her feet and glared at the ref, who hadn't noticed.

Warily approaching from one corner, there was a calico that had deceptively smooth fur. The lights over the ring shone down, illuminating the white patches, making the orange patches glow, and disappearing into the black patches. 'Patches' Maroney was a twelve-time champion and knew, that even with her experience, she had to be careful. It wasn't like the 'Rumble in the Jumble' amid all the piled-up cat toys where she took only two rounds to decimate the opposite fighter, or the 'Thrill in Asheville' where she won by default when the other cat bolted at the bell's ringing. She regarded her opponent warily.

All the smoke in the room from the various catnip cigars didn't help as the other fighter's coat blended in well, and if it hadn't been for the shiny boxer shorts, she would have had a problem to deal with. The riffle and rasp as various bills of various denominations were traded back and forth didn't help either. It hid the sound of claws caressing the surface of the mat all too well.

***

Here she came now! The 'Tabby of Torment,' some called her and Patches knew that there was something to that. She had seen some of the last matches. Indeed, training to the blown-up picture of that last knock-out was in the back of her mind. That was a glorious thing, it was, when the Persian was laid out and the thump wasn't even dulled by all the fur. There were jokes from the various trainers that the fur had been still rippling from that blow a week later.

'Maybe later after the match, she could get the photo autographed with the Terror's clawmarks.'

None of that now. Mind had to be focused. The green eyes were narrowed and focused on her and there was business to be done. She stalked forward, paws up and tail whipping.

The crowd oooohed and ahhhhed at the feline battle screams. This was going to be a good match.

Turn to Position Three Hundred and Ninety-Four
What if Severus got clued in on how to give the kind of detention that was guaranteed to NOT have recidivism (no repeat offenders)? 

*** 

Harry returned to Gryffindor Tower, ashen-faced. Hermione immediately raced to his side, "What happened?" She asked worriedly, "Did something happen during your detention?" 

Harry couldn't even look his girlfriend in the eyes, he just gave a full-body shiver of revulsion, "So many problems... How do you cope?" 

She tilted her head curiously, "Cope? With what?" 

Harry let out a trembling breath, "Snape had me doing...watching other things. Horrible...nightmare...Nooo..." He trailed off as he curled up into a ball. 

Concerned, Hermione sought out her Head of House, "I think that Professor Snape has done something illegal in his detention with Harry." She told the venerable Scotswoman what had happened up in the Common Room. 

Minerva pursed her lips in thought as she listened, "Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Miss Granger. I shall speak with Professor Snape forthwith." 

As soon as the girl left, Minerva activated her internal floo, "Severus? Are you busy?" 

Severus' head appeared in the flames, "What is it, Minerva?" 

"I just finished a conversation with Miss Granger regarding your detention with Mr. Potter." 

Severus opened his mouth to defend his decision, but she held up her hand, "I just want to know what you discussed, for liability reasons." 

Severus sighed, "I put him through 'The Talk' and a slideshow on sexually transmitted diseases and their lasting effects." At her frozen image, he 'nudged' her, "Minerva?" 

A rare, slow smile crept across her face, "Very good, Severus. I wholeheartedly approve. For too long, detentions haven't been able to control the outbursts of misbehavior from the children. I refuse to reinstate the corporal punishments that Argus wants, but this? This is perfect. I think we should get with Poppy to make this a school-wide thing. You handle the boys' side while she handles the girls'. Together, we can make detention something to be feared..."

Slice of life (observation)

Do you suppose that the denizens of Magical Britain got junk mail along with their subscriptions to the Daily Prophet, Witch Weekly, and other publications via owls? I'm picturing Harry, Hermione, or pretty much everyone at Hogwarts wading through a bundle of flyers advertising home refinancing, vacation offers, dry cleaning, and the other useless junk that we see in our mailboxes.

Even if it's nothing humorous; it would still be a good bit of a slice of life to fill out a chapter.

"Bill...bill...junk...oh, sure yes, let's refinance this mudhole..."

I stand by my convictions
Why didn't Harry listen to his own counsel after the Selection Ceremony for the TWT? He could've easily followed Hermione into the library to do some research, had Madam Pomfrey scan him for any sort of magical trace associated with the binding contract magic, or if she couldn't detect anything, contacted the Department of Mysteries for their assessment. 

*** 

Harry sat on the hospital bed with his arms crossed over his chest and glared defiantly at Albus, "I didn't enter my name into that stupid Goblet. It's your job to make sure that everyone followed the rules AND to make sure that your underage students were safe. If this is what you define as "safe" then maybe I ought to start looking for another school." 

Albus gave a patronizing smile, "Harry my boy, I know you don't mean that. Besides, as your magical guardian, I wouldn't give you permission to leave anyway. You'll just have to accept my word on this matter. Good day." He turned and strode out of the hospital bay leaving a fuming pair of teenagers behind. 

Harry turned to Hermione who silently agreed then she too left the room. Madam Pomfrey walked over and spoke softly, "Whatever you and Miss Granger are planning, if you need a medical waiver for travel; do let me know. Get out of this school as fast as you can and don't look back." She pulled her wand and cast something over him. His body glowed a sickly purple before fading. She handed him a gold chain necklace with a rune-inscribed charm plate. At his confused look, she explained, "I've cleared you of every illegal enchantment that the headmaster has placed on you. This charm will mask that removal and trick the headmaster’s sensors into thinking all is normal. I have one ready for Miss Granger when she gets back." 

Harry smiled as comfortingly as he could under the circumstances, "Thank you, Madam Pomfrey. When we're safe, I'll find a way to send you a note." 

*** 

Two weeks later... 

Albus glared at his sensors and growled darkly. 'Why couldn't that brat just listen and do as I commanded him? The enchantments I put upon him should've compelled him to obey!' Distantly, he was aware that not only did Harry slip his leash, but so did that muggleborn girl that was always hanging around him despite his best efforts to drive a wedge between the two. 

The start of the First Task was a little over an hour away and he needed to attend. "That little shit had better be there or there'll be Hell to pay." 

*** 

Tri-Wizard Tournament First Task 

The crowds were eager to witness their champions to face off against some of the meanest creatures known to wizard-kind. Four dragons, nesting mothers in fact, would try to defend their respective nests against the intruders whose mission was to collect a Golden Egg. Neville watched in trepidation as the first dragon was brought out. Sitting serenely beside him was his girlfriend, Luna Lovegood who seemed utterly unaffected by all the activity. She patted his hand, "Relax, Neville. Harry and Hermione are safe and won't be affected by the headmaster’s Wrackspurts." 

He bobbed his head uncertainly, "I hear what you're saying, Luna but there's always that tiny chance things will go wrong." 

She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear, "We can leave right after the tournament and join them where they are so you can see for yourself. Then you can peel me out of my clothes and ravish my willing body." She gave him a sultry wink as she pulled back causing the poor teen to gulp and grin nervously. 

Ron Weasley sat with the other Gryffindors who had called Harry a coward after his disappearance two weeks ago and pompously stated that he just knew that Potter was a cheat and a coward all along, "You'd think that after all of our adventures, he'd grow a pair but what could you expect from a half-blood raised by muggles? 

*** 

After the fourth dragon was brought out, the announcer called Harry's name. There was no answer. Twice more Harry's name was called and twice more there was no response. Albus stormed into the Champion's tent ready to bust heads when his eye was drawn to a glowing envelope. Inside was a letter addressed to him. 

I told you, headmaster. I didn't enter my name and therefore will not be taking part in any of your games. I have taken what and who I hold most dear to me and have left the British shores for a more welcoming climate. If you try to hunt me down and bring me back, you will fail most publicly and painfully. Knowing you though, you'll just delegate the problems to someone else so this warning goes out to them as well. STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MINE. 

I stand by my convictions that whatever punishment dealt out by the Goblet will only hurt the person who really did enter the competition. They should be feeling the effects right now. According to my research, they should be feeling the sensation as if thousands of fire ants are crawling under their skin. If you're still reading this headmaster, congratulations on not being it. 

In the three years and a couple months since starting at Hogwarts, I've been put through constant instances of danger beyond that might be expected of attending a thousand year old school. It is my new endeavor to find a new school that doesn't pander to blood bigots, insane traditions, and the lousiest teaching staff in the history of teaching. 

I would wish you goodbye, but I stand by my conviction that you're just not worth it. 

Harry Potter

Chapter Text

3D Printed Harry Potter Parts

Post war. With so many injuries generated by vile curses and combat, there were a lot of veterans who needed prosthetics. Unfortunately, prosthetic limb replacement was still operating on the primitive techniques that plagued the late Alastor Moody. A new solution was needed and the traditional "magical only" mentality could hang itself in Hermione's opinion.

She used Harry as a test model since he needed a pinky finger replacement and because he was her husband. Hermione turned to the growing trend in muggle 3D printing technology to make him a new digit and test out ideas for further use.

(Ref. Nerdforge 3D printed finger video on YouTube)

Harry Potter, Adrenaline Junkie

Before first year during his first trip to Gringotts, Harry practically drooled at the rush he experienced from the mine cart ride to his trust vault. When they returned to the station, Hagrid clambered out muttering about how much he hated the thing.

Harry on the other hand was ecstatic! “Excuse me, sir?” He addressed the cart operator, “How fast can you get these things to go and how much would it cost me to find out?”

“Harry, no,” Hagrid complained, “We still have your shopping to do.”

Harry unleashed his most powerful weapon and turned his pleading ‘puppy dog eyes’ onto the large man, “Pleeeaaase??”

Hagrid crumpled after that, “Fine, but only one trip!”

The cart operator flashed Harry a wide toothy grin, “Two Galleons for ‘stupid fast’ and four for ‘structural limits fast.’”

Harry immediately handed him four gold coins and warbled loudly, “Send it balls to the wall, my good Goblin! Let’s see what this baby can do!”

The operator's eyes twinkled as he reached for the controls.

Magical subjects in the real world (observation)

Alchemy - Geology

Apparition - Applied Physics

Arithmancy - Calculus

Astronomy - Astronomy/AstroPhysics

Care of Magical Creatures - Pet Care/Zoology

Charms - General Physics

Defence Against the Dark Arts - Self-Defense

Divination - Divination (covered under Cultural Anthropology)

Flying lessons - Driving lessons

Herbology - Botany

History of Magic - History

Muggle Studies - Social Studies

Potions - Chemistry

Study of Ancient Runes - Language Arts

Transfiguration – Engineering

Kissing Duels Rule!!!

You challenged me, Draco so I get to set the rules!!

Some time around fourth year, Draco challenges Harry to a duel. As the challengee, Harry gets to set the parameters of the duel and he's chosen a kissing duel!

There a four girls; one from each House and their year group. Each teen must kiss for a count of 4 Mississippi (or some other long word.) At the end of their round, the girls will get together to grade the boys on:

1. Tongue action

2. Kissing technique

3. Wetness (too slobbery or too dry)

4. Breath quality (stink or fresh)

5. Handling technique (wandering hands, pressing bodies, etc)

All scores are out of 10. The girls chosen for this are:

(G) Hermione Granger

(R) Padma Patil

(H) Susan Bones

(S) Millicent Bulstrode

No!! Not the Howler!!

What if Hogwarts had a more effective means of punishing bad behavior than Filch's chores?

Depending on the severity of the crime you could be bound to a chair and forced to submit to a makeover by hyperactive first year girls (lesser crimes.) For the moderate level, you could be subjected to testing out the experimental products from the Weasley Twins.

For the harshest level...well, expulsions and arrests would be the least of your worries. The school could unleash the one deterrent with the astonishing zero percent recidivism amongst offenders. A loud and gut-wrenching, soul-crushing lecture by: Molly Weasley.

Which Potter Were You Expecting?

7th year, Voldemort had been dealt with the previous year.

Neville wandered into the Great Hall at the start of breakfast and sat down to eat. The rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team was already present. Captain Katie Bell glanced in his direction, "Have you seen Potter?"

"Hmm? No, I can't say that I have. Why?"

She gave him an exasperated huff, "I think he forgot that we have a Quidditch game today."

***

Down on the pitch, the announcer was calling out the Lions. "And last but not least, The Hero Without Fear...the Defeater of Voldemort...The Leader of the Light...POTTTERRRR!!!"

A blur flew out of the Lion's Hall and spun around the pitch before sliding to a halt. Everyone's mouth dropped open at the sight of a head of bushy brown hair, cinnamon-colored eyes, and a wicked grin on her face. Hermione defiantly leered at the crowds, "Which Potter were you expecting?"

Up in the stands, Harry whistled and cheered on his girlfriend to the astonishment of the others. "Hermione! You can’t help but cheer when you say her name! Hermione! Her. My. Oh. Knee! The Most Gryffindor of Gryffindors!!"

Also representing Hogwarts…

A story I'd like to see. Ron Weasley gets chosen as the fourth Champion in the Tri-Wizard Tournament but the story is NOT a crack fic!

Harmony playing in the background to an extent though they do make regular contributions to the story, but the focus is now on Ron who simultaneously plays up and is terrified of the sudden spotlight. He's got to cram all the stuff he should've learned over the past three years as well as the lessons the other Champions know.

Additionally, he's got to deal with an irate school and his mother.

The Power of Those Eyes

Armed with a pair of trick glasses that amplified the luminosity of his green eyes and coupled with Ventriloquism charm that would simulate his mother’s voice (courtesy of Sirius); Harry exacts revenge against Severus Snape.

***

Severus was hassling Harry as per normal. Harry finally had enough and glared darkly at the bully. “You know how my eyes remind everyone of my mother, professor?” His voice ice-cold and silkily filled the laboratory. Severus froze at the mannerisms. “Do you remember how she got when someone acted inappropriately in front of her or to those she cared about?”

“Yes,” Severus whispered in fear.

“Do you remember when her eyes would blaze with righteous fury at her opponents?”

Severus’ face took on a deathly pallor as he thickly swallowed the lump in his throat, “Yes.”

The luminosity in Harry’s eyes seemed to flare to life as they glowed menacingly, his voiced changed to a distinctively feminine tone, “I’m warning now, Severus. Stay away from my son. Treat him like you would for any of your other students. Remember, I’m always watching you.”

Like a cheaply-made dresser, Severus’ eyes rolled up in his head as he fainted to the floor.

Never Anger A Mother Horntail or Hermione

4th year, Tri-Wizard Tournament First Task

The Horntail was getting frustrated and angry at this annoying two-legged pest that refused to die. It kept zipping about the rocks and coming dangerously close to her nest.

To her left, her hearing picked up the sounds of another angry female. Growling in renewed frustration, the sound revealed itself coming from yet another two-legger! This one however, ignored the angry dragon, stormed over to the male, and began gesturing and yelling at him while the male looked contrite and embarrassed. Finally, the female imperiously pointed towards the exit and stamped her foot sending the male off.

The mother Horntail watched on in approval and made her own gesture of ‘Males, am I right?’ The bushy-haired female huffed in annoyance and stomped back the way she came and suddenly vanished when she got within ten feet of the entrance.

No one noticed that the Golden Egg had been successfully snatched from the nest until Harry held it aloft. Up in the stands, Hermione, who had never left her seat, buried her face in her hands and wondered just why she agreed to go along with this crazy stunt. Yes, it worked but she was SO embarrassed!

From Roger Myers:

Imagine this Hermione starts a biker gang (Er excuse me Motorcycle Club) that goes around and gives people books. They have matching tattoos that say “Read or Die B**ches!” Harry is her old man riding on the back of her tricked out Harley. Sirius looking down from the heavens with tears of pride and joy in his eyes. Lily and James arguing over whose side of the family he gets it from. All while Dumbledore shakes his head in confused amazement. Luna and Ginny her Lieutenants. Smuggling banned books into libraries and communities. Running underground reading dens. Just a thought.

Omakes from IJN_GENSUI

Idea One:

*Lucius is sitting in his study late one night, going over family paperwork*

NARCISSA: *Appears in doorway wearing a barely-there, see-through something from La Perla* Lucius, are you coming to bed soon?

LUCIUS: *Glances up and brain short circuits* GUH! GUH! GUH! *If he was a cartoon, he'd be panting and howling like the Tex Avery wolf*

NARCISSA: *Smirks* Use your words, Darling.

LUCIUS: Where did you get that outfit and can we buy more of them?

NARCISSA: From one of the Muggle shops I visited. I brought home a catalog so you can pick some things out.

LUCIUS: *A vacant smile on his face* Really?

NARCISSA: Oh, and I cast triple silencing charms on our bedroom. So I reiterate: Are you coming to bed soon?

LUCIUS: NOW! *Picks her up and Narcissa giggles as he carries her out of the room*

*A couple weeks later, at one of the kids' meet-ups*

DRACO: *Mock-glowers at Hermione* Thanks so much for introducing my mother to Muggle clothing. Ever since she found some places called 'La Perla' and 'Agent Provocateur', whatever those are, she and my father have been acting like a pair of schoolchildren, always whispering and giggling. Giggling! I never in my life thought I would hear my father giggle, but I have!

*Hermione tries very hard to keep from laughing*

Idea Two:

VERNON: *To Lucius* You know, if you're wanting to get rid of that mark, I bet a plastic surgeon could do it. Probably be just like getting a tattoo removed.

LUCIUS: *Amazed* You're telling me I could get rid of this?

VERNON: I don't see why not. We got rid of Harry's scar.

LUCIUS: *Stunned* Pot - Harry no longer has that scar?

VERNON: Nope. Hasn't since he was about six years old.

LUCIUS: Hmm. *Thinking*

*Lucius has the surgery and is now Mark-free; he is sitting in his study again*

NARCISSA: *Appears in doorway* Lucius, remember how I said we would celebrate once your surgery scar healed?

LUCIUS: *Looks up to find Narcissa dressed as 'Slave Leia'* Oh, sweet Merlin...!

*Following morning, Draco and Narcissa are eating breakfast in the dining room when Lucius practically bounces into the room while whistling the "Star Wars end credits theme"*

LUCIUS: Good morning, family! I trust everyone slept well?

DRACO: *Uncertain; he's never seen his father act like this* Yes...?

NARCISSA: *Smirks* When my scruffy nerf-herder finally allowed me to sleep.

LUCIUS: *Gives her a devious grin and wiggles his eyebrows; they both giggle*

DRACO: *Realizes and facepalms* Oh, ICK! That's just - NO! The images...they BURN! *Rubs his temples as though trying to clean his memory*

LUCIUS: *Smirks* You'll change your tune on that when you're older, trust me. *He and Narcissa look at each other and giggle*

And finally, Idea Three:

Ginny Weasley uses the diary...as a way to keep track of a certain monthly visitor and any 'details'. And that's all she uses the diary for.

It's the only-known case in magical history where a horcrux self-destructs.

From JBSteele in response to a line in chapter 11 of HPMMW

You look like someone ate Hedwig in front of you.

Harry Potter awoke with a gasp. He was tied up, with both magical and physical ropes. A couple of chains and welded steel cables had been added, as well. He was stuck tighter than a bug in a rug.

“…somebody wants me to stay here,” he mumbled to himself. He opened his eyes, wondering who was cooking chicken. Then he wondered why he would be thinking that in his current situation when he should be wondering how he got into said situation.

He looked around. The roughly-hewn stone chair he was in had thick iron rings studded in regular arrangements, through which the ropes, chains, and cables had been looped and woven. Their braiding seemed haphazard as if whoever did it had been rushed to finish it before something happened. Most likely, it was the event of him waking up. Well, he was awake now.

There was a man seated at a table, partaking of a meal with carrots, green beans, peppers, and meat in a white flour gravy made with black pepper. A large pitcher of beer was perched just to the side, within reach. There were a few guards in the room, which Harry could see was fairly large and not well-lit. The air was slow-moving and it was a bit stuffy. The table was illuminated by several large candles that cast an amazing amount of light for their sizes, almost like an electric lamp. If it hadn’t been for the wax that he could clearly see slowly making its way downward in fat drops, he would have thought that.

The garnish and a couple of waiting baked potatoes had something in them, which seemed odd. Harry could see the steam wafting up, carrying the scent of the man’s meal to him from across the room in the gasping breeze. It smelled like a dish that he’d made before, and despite the seriousness of the plight he’d found himself in, his stomach rumbled. That caught the man’s attention, and he swallowed the mouthful he was working on and put his cutlery down. The click resounded clearly enough for everyone to hear it.

“Oh, you’re awake. I apologize. I thought you’d be out for longer, and I was having a meal while I waited. I can put it under stasis and return to it later while we… talk.”

Harry’s mind was running, cataloging threat assessments, the man’s voice, and the tightness of his chains. He needed more time to come up with a plan. “No, no… go back to your meal. I must say, it looks delicious.”

“Are you sure?” The unspoken question in the tone of the man’s voice was most insincere.

“Go ahead. I’m not going anywhere.”

The man looked at him, then shrugged, “If you insist.”

Quickly, the cutlery was picked up and the meal resumed. There was something familiar about the man that Harry couldn’t place. He looked around the room again, meeting the eyes of the guards. They didn’t seem too worried about anything. One caressed a wicked longsword with several nicks in the blade that the keenness of the sharpening job hadn’t been able to remove. The man seemed… well, a little too loving toward the blade and Harry wondered if he was compensating for something.

The man at the table shifted his attention to the baked potatoes after finishing the main dish, and that movement shifted Harry’s attention back to him. The green eyes narrowed. That whatever-it-was that had been stuck in the potatoes seemed… very… familiar.

His eyes popped open, blazing a viridian flame as the white pinions were discarded to fall to the floor. The man at the table smirked.

“Yes. You see now, right? Your owl was a delicious addition to my endeavors here. She made for a wonderful meal.”

Harry Potter screamed in rage, and things started bursting into flame.

Fish Sticks are the Key

Let's see what all y'all can make with this. Yes, I used an Americanism; roll with it.

***

"Professor Dumbledore? I think I just heard Professor Trelawney make another prophecy," Harry said breathlessly as he ran up to aged headmaster.

"Oh? And what was it that she Saw?"

Harry frowned as he tried to remember then brightened, "She said, 'To bring down the one who flees from Death, one must seek out the Home for the Styx of Pisces. The frozen soldiers must bathe in the torrid Oils of Crisco. Retrieve the Golden Pisces first, Allow the rest to marshall their colors.' Any idea what she meant?"

Albus' eyes twinkled in his usual 'trust me with everything' manner, "I'm afraid not, Harry; but fret not, I shall put in my very best efforts."

***

Harry and Hermione watched the chaos unfold as Albus tried in vain to discover the meaning behind the message without success.

Harry shook his head at the arrogant man's antics, "Hermione? When do you think he'll figure it out that we sent him on a wild goose chase, and that the so-called 'Prophecy' was nothing more than the instructions for making lunch?"

She picked up a fish stick and dunked it in her tartar sauce before taking a bite. She gave him a wink, "Hopefully not for a while."

Hand over Hermione or face the consequences!!

Ron snapped sometime after the Yule Ball and kidnapped Hermione, locking her away up in the boys dorm. Everyone was up in arms, but the redheaded turd was adamant, "I am a pureblood, she's only a muggleborn. She has to submit; her only value is her ability to take care of any children I put in her belly."

Harry stood there hands in pockets, silently watching the scene. Bobbing his head in seeming resignation, he disappeared into the floo. When he returned an hour later, he was carrying a box. He gently placed it on the floor by the door to the boys dorm then hit it with a switching spell to his pillow on his bed inside. "Weasley," he replied evenly, "I'm giving you fair warning. Hand over Hermione or face the consequences. Inside that box is the most dangerous weapon known to humankind. Fail to release her, and I'm prepared to light it off."

Ron naturally didn't believe him, "Yeah right, Potter! What's in there, your dirty socks?" If he'd seen the smile Harry just gave, he probably would've crapped his pants.

"It's a pub seat cushion, Ronald. You have until the count of three to release Hermione or I release the cushion. One..."

A muffled scuffling was heard before Hermione exited the room casually brushing her hair back, "Thanks for the distraction, Harry. Not only is he a crap wizard, he can't tie a knot to save his life."

Relieved, he gave Hermione a kiss on her cheek. "Now, to make sure he learns his lesson..." He cast the charm to break open the cushion. The resulting yells and sounds of retching caused the latter two to smile viciously.

Minerva caught up to the pair a moment later, "What was so dangerous about a pub seat cushion, Mr. Potter?"

Harry looked her straight in her eyes, "I went down to the seediest dive in all of Knocturn Alley. That cushion has absorbed the beer farts of a thousand drunks, prostitutes, and other unsavory characters. He'll have to stuff dungbombs up his nose just to smell anything for the next month, professor." He turned and led Hermione away.

Minerva's eyes twinkled in approval, "Consequences indeed, Mr. Potter."

Nora Noble aka Remus Lupin??

The magical literature community is all atwitter about a wildly popular series of romance novels featuring a noble Duke named Romanus Noble, who had the misfortune of being turned into a werewolf and his quest to find a cure. As the series progressed, he would encounter many strange and wonderful people. He fell in love, but it was either unrequited or doomed from the start, along with harrowing tales of those who would keep him from completing his mission.

Each book was gripping and drew the reader into its pages almost effortlessly. The strangest part was that no one had ever heard of the author before. Nora Noble, who was she?

***

6th year, Hermione was lying in bed reading her copy of the latest novel from her favorite author, Nora Noble when she paused at one scene. There was something awfully familiar about it.

'Lord Noble knew he had to save the son of his childhood friend. He'd sworn an oath to protect the boy from enemies within and without. He along with his faithful hound tracked the betrayer to a wooded copse and confronted him. "How could you betray Giacomo and Liliana to the Dark Knight? After all they had done for you!"'

Hermione sat upright in shock as she continued to read, her analytical mind racing furiously. "Sweet Merlin, Nora Noble is Remus Lupin??"

The next morning, she invaded the boys dorm and into Harry's trunk, much to the teen's bemusement, "Was there something you were looking for? The clean underwear is right on top."

She grunted, "Prat. I'm looking for that communication mirror Padfoot gave you. Aha! Here it is!" She slipped it from where it been stashed between his history text and a copy of Playboy. "Sirius Black!"

"Umm, Hermione? Sirius is gone."

She rolled her eyes, "I know that, but it's unlikely that Remus ever got around to reprogramming it." Remus' curious face appeared. "Point blank question for you. Are you Nora Noble?"

Remus' grew large as he stammered, "How...um, what makes you ask that?"

"In the most recent novel by her...you, there's a scene that is almost word for word of what happened between us and Pettigrew back in third year. Only the names have been changed. Now, answer the question. Are you the person behind the wildly successful romance novels?"

Remus sighed, hung his head, and nodded, "Yes, I am."

Hermione smirked, "Next important question. Can I get your autograph?"

Harry just burst out laughing at the incredulous expression on his pseudo-uncle's face.

Chapter Text

Magical Britain’s Got Talent

Annoyed at the Ministry for their latest idiocy, especially their handling of his 'alleged violation' of the Statute of Secrecy over the summer; Harry decides to *really* scare them witless. Taking his cue from the Weasley Twins, Harry creates a full-out magical display production of everything he'd learned over the past four years and took it to the one place where he could share it with the public yet completely blend in:

Britain's Got Talent.

The audience and judges are entertained, Harry feels a cathartic release; while the Ministry, Dumbledore, and the ICW lose their collective shit.

Sirius wants to induct him as a full-fledged member of the Marauders, Remus agrees but at the same time wants to make sure that Harry'll be safe from legal action. Hermione and the Twins applaud him for his efforts.

Magical Mail Letter Bomb

Just after Harry received his invitation to attend Hogwarts.

Harry stared after the letter that had been snatched out of his hands by Dudley. “Give that back, it’s mine!”

Dudley sneered, “Yeah? Who’d be dumb enough to write to you?”

Harry brushed his hair back looking haughty, “The British Society of Supremely Handsome Eleven-year-olds.”

A snort of laughter was heard behind him. Petunia ruffled his hair affectionately, “Silly boy; if that was true, Dudley would be in it as well. Dudley, give him back his mail.” Dudley grumbled but flicked it across the table.

Opening it up, Harry read the invitation out loud. He noticed his uncle looking rather put-out. “What’s wrong?”

Vernon cleared his throat, “Nothing, I just wish you had remained normal like us, even if you’re still slightly nerdy.” He winked the last at his nephew.

Petunia read the letter over Harry’s shoulder, “Hey,” she nudged him, “It says they await your owl. Since you don’t have one, go outside and ask the one that’s probably still waiting to stay for a bit longer.”

When he returned, Harry found his aunt returning from a closet carrying a box. “Your mum and dad left this for you when you turned eleven. In the meantime, perhaps you and I could craft a letter to their newspaper explaining some rules regarding you going forward.”

Harry’s eyebrows beetled together, “Why would we do that?”

Petunia sniffed, “Because the idiot who left you here deserves the pain that’s about to rain down on him. I’ve waited for years to be able to exact my revenge.”

***

Magical Britain experienced a series of heart attacks and epic spit takes when the morning edition of the Daily Prophet arrived. In it was a heartfelt letter to the people, an eagerness to begin school, and a list of grievances against Albus Dumbledore. “In short, if you the people want me to attend Hogwarts, here is a list of things that’ll need to happen.” The list, manifesto some might call it, was extensive and comprehensive. Some examples included:

• Dumbledore is to be stripped of all positions except one. He needs to decide which of the three full-time jobs is more important.
• If he is to remain as Headmaster, he will limit himself to official professional robes. Looking like an escapee from the clown asylum is not acceptable.
• All muggleborns or muggle-raised half-bloods are to be given a fully funded and properly staffed class in magical society customs and etiquette. This is to prevent bad feelings from developing.
• All staff and teachers must be accredited by the General Teaching Council for England BEFORE 1 September of this year. This is to prevent bad or ineffectual teachers from wasting the students’ time.
• Hogwarts will submit their accounting ledgers to a qualified examination board as issued by the Department for Education to hunt down any discrepancies in the school’s finances. Faulty or destroyed equipment MUST be replaced! No Exceptions!
• Both the examination and finance boards will comprised of both Muggles in the know, and Squibs. This to ensure tuition is going to the proper places and not lining someone’s pocket.

Like he’ll ever learn

Hermione kept the Time Turner at the end of third year (she gave McGonagall a fake) so she could run more experiments with it. By 5th year, she figured out how to not only "shunt" a traveler in and out of an infinite loop but also how to monitor things on the inside while unaffected by the magic.

***

"So what are we doing again?" Harry asked as she fiddled with some kind of bracelet.

"I'm trying to get the device to fit in this bracelet and operate without having to be spun each run. There!" She crowed triumphantly. She pushed her hair behind a ear, "So the plan is to remotely activate the device with the control pad and send our test subject into a causality loop until we finish our tests. The question next is to figure out who to use as our guinea pig."

Harry stared blankly at her for a moment before a slow smile crept across his face, "What about Ron?"

"What about him?"

"Let's use him as our guinea pig. Of all the people in this school, I'd be most curious to see how he'd handle things repeating themselves over and over again. Would he improve? Crash and burn? How many cycles would it take before he finally broke down and read something other than a Quidditch magazine?"

Hermione's eyes twinkled, "I like that idea."

Harry gasped, "Oh! Can this set-up work on multiple people? Could we include Draco or even the Dense Duo with this test?"

She shook her head negatively, "One user per bracelet."

***

Time skip:

Ron lasted only three loops before he started losing his grip on reality. By the fifth loop, he stopped caring about his appearance and spent all of his time either on the Quidditch pitch or in the kitchens gorging himself stupid. On the seventh loop, he started taking his revenge on those whom he believed wronged him in some way or another. Draco, Umbridge, Snape, nearly all of the other three Houses (except for the younger years.) On one loop, he even took his revenge on McGonagall for daring to get snippy at him for not doing the assignment she gave him. Outside, he took his revenge on the nest of Acromantula and a couple of Centaurs.

He had (and took) advantage of all the "pretty birds" with a different girl on his arm every time. How he managed to convince them baffled both Harry and Hermione as they observed his routes and behavior.

When the pair finally reached the end of the school year, Hermione figured she had enough data to end their experiment. "So what have we learned?" Harry asked her as they released the redhead out of the loop and back to his bed.

Shaking her head at the memories of Ron completely falling apart, "That some people just can't learn. We gave him the perfect opportunity to improve and grow but he squandered it."

Kreacher’s Photo Album

Do you suppose that while staying at Grimmauld Place during the summer before 5th year, Harry and/or Hermione tried to get on Kreacher's good side by asking to see the embarrassing baby photos of Sirius?

"Kreacher? You've been working here for a long time. Surely your Mistress has some baby photos taken of Sirius dressed up in those cute little outfits that cause the older women to coo sickenly sweet at him."

Kreacher thought for a moment before a frighteningly evil grin spread across his wrinkled face, "Wait here, Kreacher has just the thing." When he returned, in his hands was a thick photo album. "This being everything Mistress had before Master became worthless and ungrateful."

Elsewhere in the house, Sirius shivered ominously.

Hermione Granger, wizard?

Given how hide bound and traditional Magical Britain is, what if Hogwarts segregated the students based on gender rather than bloodlines? Witches were only taught what they needed to learn on how to run a household and take care of the children. A rare few make it in other positions like shopkeeper assistant or teacher.

Wizards on the other hand got the full experience and were only limited by apparent skill, familial connections, and testing results.

And despite all that, somehow Hermione Granger got onto the wizard's educational track where from day one, she's been blowing records to smithereens. Her teachers and the other kids dont know how to deal with this new situation. Even the other girls who would normally just bow to the demands of their society have been taking notice of her prowess and skill on the boys' side of school. Throughout it all, her best friend is and always will be Harry Potter, an easy-going half-blood who only wants to be a good friend and eventually make a name for himself on the Quidditch pitch.

No Voldemort, Greater Good!Dumbledore.
Hermione-centric story

Feeling better??

Crack prompt, usage of American chocolate and commercial.

Chamber of Secrets, Harry stood transfixed at the approach of the basilisk. It opened its mouth to attack when quick as flash, Harry tosses a Snickers chocolate bar in, standing there unfazed. The snake utters a strangled gulping noise and begins to shrink and revert back to its original form of Salazar Slytherin, still munching on the chocolate bar and clearly more relaxed.

Harry claps the Founder on the back, "Feeling better? You're an absolute beast when you're hungry."

Expecto Orgasmo!!

Similar in power, incantation, and usage against Dementors but instead of creating a positive guardian spirit to drive away the demons, the Orgasmo charm transforms them into deliriously-drooling, sappy-smiling, dreamy-eyed cherubs.

Like the Patronus, the caster must hold a powerful mental image. However, unlike the Patronus' love emotion; the Orgasmo uses lust. The caster must channel every horny thought, daydream, or experience into the magical spell. There is no spirit animal, only a sickenly pink light associated with the cast.

Harry Potter discovered this spell accidentally just after 4th year when he was at his local park and spotted a girl off in the distance that looked remarkably like Hermione. As a joke, and in an effort to distract himself from his depression, the teen jokingly waved his wand and cast the spell. There was a quick flash of pink light but nothing more. Thinking it a fluke, he ignored it. When a pair of 'rogue' Dementors tried to attack him and his muggle cousin, Harry desperately cast the first thing on his mind. "Expecto Orgasmo!" Even though he wasn't sure anything would result, he and his cousin were flabbergasted at the sight of the two Dementors give off an 'Urk' before transforming into a pair of pink-cheeked cherubs.

Your deepest secret is what??

The Locket Horcrux was able to sense a person's deepest thoughts and secrets. What if Harry knew about this earlier and used to his advantage?

After hissing the password, the Locket opened with a click. Inside one of the windows was a baleful red eye that glared at Harry matched by a sinuous voice, "I have seen your heart and it is mine. Longing most dearly for the [perfect cup of coffee]...wait, what? Coffee? Seriously?"

With that moment of distraction, Harry plunged the sword into the Locket, destroying the Horcrux once and for all.

[ ] = Change the deepest desires as needed.

Fractal Fractures

3^rd year while the Dementors roamed outside.

“Hey Luna,” Harry greeted the dreamy-eyed blonde who was idly sucking on a meat stick, “I wanted to ask if you’re still having trouble with those nargles.”

Luna nodded and spoke around her treat, “Ah’m. Th’re mush per’lex’n. Why?”

“Well, I have something here that’ll distract them to the point of insanity which should enable you to get some peace and quiet as well as getting your stuff back.” He held up a framed portrait of some kind of odd design. The viewpoint began zooming in towards one section that as it grew larger, resolved itself to be identical to the starting image.

Luna frowned and poked at it with her meat stick, “What is that?”

Harry smugly replied, “This is what’s known as a ‘fractal pattern’ specifically ‘Mandlebrot’s Set.’ The Mandelbrot set is the set of complex numbers for which the function does not diverge to infinity when iterated from for which the sequence remains bounded in absolute value. I’ll give you the equations later if you’d like. Hermione’s got my only copy right now so you’ll probably have to wrestle her for them.”

Luna stared into the abyss of the endlessly falling pattern as a wicked glint in her eyes took shape and a smirk stole across her face, “I think this’ll do just nicely, Harry Potter. This fractal will fracture their tiny minds…”

Harry gets sucked into fanfiction

Created by: Flyingninjafish1 (Reddit)

After the final battle of Hogwarts there’s a lot of debris and missing items to clean up and put away, and the trio accidentally discover a bunch of stories written about Harry by one of the students at Hogwarts. Only it’s been enchanted to suck it’s reader into it, with Harry being the unfortunate one to be sucked in. Due to him already being a character in the story though, he takes his fanfic counterpart’s place and has to experience the story while Ron and Hermione try to get him out by tracking down the writer. Meanwhile Harry must suffer through every cringey cliché in the book while waiting for rescue.

TL;DR – CanonHarry has to experience a fanfic retelling of his life while Ron and Hermione track down its writer to save him.

Is there anything else you’d care to admit to?

While on summer break between 1st and second year, Hermione was browsing through her family's VHS collection when her hand fell upon the movie 'Willow.' She stared at front cover with wide eyes and exclaimed, "Professor Flitwick??"

Jump forward to the start of second year, Hermione dashed inside the Great Hall and presented it to the tiny Professor who burst out laughing at the sight of it, "Good catch, Miss Granger! Ten points to Gryffindor for bringing this."

"Is there a way to play this while in the castle?" She excitedly bounced on her feet.

Filius hemmed and hawwed, "I'm not sure. Let me consult the Deputy."

Once everyone had gotten sorted and Dumbledore made his usual announcements, Minerva addressed the Hall, "It has come to my attention that our very own Professor Flitwick has a hidden past. As proof of this, a muggle 'movie' shall be played on the wall behind me courtesy of Hogwarts, herself."

The lights dimmed as the movie played, entrancing the magically-raised students and staff alike. As the show commenced, glances were repeatedly directed to a grinning Filius. Severus nudged him and gestured towards the screen, "Is there anything else you'd care to admit to, Filius? Some other hidden gem of a secret?"

Filius winked at his colleague, "You'll just have to wait and see."

From the beginning

Monday 2 November, 1981; 10 Downing Street, London

The door to the outer office of the Prime Minister opened to allow a young couple carrying two toddler boys to enter. The receptionist put on a bland smile as she greeted them, “May I help you?”

“Yes, I’m Vernon Dursley and this is my wife Petunia. We’ve come because the supposed leader of a smaller, hidden community has taken it upon himself to leave my wife’s nephew on our doorstep overnight without alerting us to his presence. It was only the wee hours this morning we even noticed.”

The receptionist was a bit skeptical but she did know at least third-hand about the rumored community. “Have a seat while I check with Lady Thatcher.”

When she returned, she escorted the group to meet Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher; the PM was clearly not amused. “Understand that I am not angry at you, but at the nitwit who thinks himself above the law. Which boy is it then?”

Petunia pointed to Harry who was intently studying the shiny necklace she was wearing. “His name is Harry James Potter. His father, I think, was the Head of some Ancient and Most Noble House. I don’t remember really, it all sounded so quaint.”

Thatcher nodded shrewdly, “I suspect you’d like me to contact the other side?”

Vernon spoke up, “At the very least, we’d greatly appreciate some assistance in learning how to raise a magical toddler. It’s not like there are any classes or books on the topic. If their side has financial aid for new families, that’d be great too.”

Margaret studied them for a moment before letting a sly smirk grow on her face, “Here’s what I’ll help with. You will be given a special financial aid as well as visits from Her Majesty’s Court Wizard who is a friend of mine. He will help you raise and educate young Harry in everything he’ll need to know about the magical world.”

Vernon gulped, “And in return?”

PM Margaret Thatcher’s eyes were predatory, “You help by teaching the boy to spy and report back to me on everything Albus Dumbledore does or says when the lad goes to Hogwarts. It’s time that condescending goat realizes that he is not the ultimate power in the nation.”

Hufflepuff Draco Malfoy

I had a giggle about a Hufflepuff Draco Malfoy

Draco thought he’d be so cunning getting sorted into Hufflepuff where he’d be able to work from the shadows operating under the concept of, “Who would *ever* suspect a Hufflepuff of being cunning and sneaky?”

In first year, he valiantly tried to make a name for himself by utilizing the same tactics he would’ve used in Slytherin but they backfire spectacularly. Every time he tries to gain power and influence over the others, one of the sixth or seventh year girls would just scoop him up and cuddle him until his newly acquired image was completely destroyed.

Finding out about Draco’s ‘adorablization,’ Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass show the arrogant little twit just what it means to be cunning by alerting Draco’s mother, who visits to coo over her son and take embarrassing photos of him dolled up in something cute the older girls have conjured up.

Now, everyone who sees him in the halls pinches his cheeks or compliments him on being such a ‘good boy.’ Lucius confronts him with a superior smug smirk, “You thought you were better than those Malfoy who came before you, only to learn there’s a reason why we consistently fought to get into Slytherin. You made your bed, Draco and now it’s time to lay in it.”

Dicta-Dolittle

4th year, before the TWT got started

Hermione watched and listened as yet again Harry was in the middle of an argument with his owl, Hedwig (and losing badly.) More than once, she wished she could understand what the owl said to 'her chick.'

Leaving the obstinate pair behind, she went to the library do to some research on translation charms.

***

Later that evening, she found Harry stretched out on 'their' couch in the Common Room. He lifted his head to let her sit down then laid his head on her lap and smiled up at her. "Let me guess, you've been reading?"

"Yes, I wanted to see if it was possible to create a translation charm for owls so we can finally know what Hedwig says to set you off."

Harry scoffed lightly, "Does it matter, we were having fun."

She poked his nose, "You keep losing to an owl." He shrugged unconcernedly. "Anyways, I think I was able to modify the normal human speech incantation and Arithmancy so it can discern owl-speech."

Harry gazed lovingly up to her, "I love it when you get creative."

***

The next morning, Hermione traveled up to the Roost and looked around for Hedwig. A quiet hoot alerted her to look up. "Good morning, Hedwig. I was wondering if you'd like to help me with a project." Hedwig fluttered down to land on the windowsill and stuck her leg out. Hermione smiled, "No, you don't need to go anywhere. I created this spell that will hopefully translate owl-speech into human speech so we can finally understand what you say to Harry."

She pulled her wand and at Hedwig’s bob of her head cast, "ibis orationem humanam interpretari" (translate owl speech to human speech.) Hedwig was enveloped in a pale blue glow for a moment before fading. "Hedwig?"

"Hoot."

Sighing in frustration, Hermione didn't notice a discarded Dicta-quill begin scratching a message. Another hoot from a different owl alerted both to the sight of a word written on the paper: "Yes."

Eyes wide, Hermione grabbed the quill, paper, and Hedwig before racing down to an empty classroom. She grabbed a new sheaf of paper out of her bag and set up the quill again, "Let's try this again. Hedwig, do you understand me?"

Hedwig blinked then hooted, "Yes, I do!"

Hermione squealed in joy, "It works!"

***

Later, the pair approached Harry who was chatting with Professor Flitwick about something on yesterday's class topic. "Harry? Excuse me, professor. Hedwig, if you will?" She showed the professor a clipboard with paper and the quill while Hedwig started an argument with her chick. Flitwick's eyes grew round as he read the responses.

"STOP! Hedwig is this really you?"

Hoot. 'Yes.'

Filius felt his jaw unhinge and swing open, "No way..."

***

When the competition got underway, Hedwig and Hermione split their time helping keep Harry alive and safe, Hermione developed a variant to allow Harry to communicate with the dragon. Thanks to her efforts, Harry was able to get the Golden Egg without too much trouble after a lengthy explanation about the idiocy of the two-legged morons in search of entertainment and made a 30 ton friend in the end.

>>>>>>>> 

Chapter Text

We who are about to dye, salute you!

5th year, lunch in the Great Hall on a weekend.

There was a line of students solemnly passing in front of the teachers table. As each student passed, they could be seen carrying a basket of some spare light-colored clothes, a box of soap, and a bottle of fabric coloring agent. Stranger still was the fact that each student gave the teacher's a military salute!

By the time that Harry brought up the end, many of the staff were on tenterhooks to figure out what this bizarre behavior was all about. "Harry my boy," Albus began, "What is the meaning behind this behavior?"

Harry gave his trademarked smirk, "It's simple Headmaster. We who are about to dye, salute you!" He finished with his own military salute to the raucous laughter of the other students.

Harry’s Snitch

It was the weirdest thing Harry had experienced to date, and at Hogwarts that was saying something! Ever since he'd nearly swallowed the Snitch during his first Quidditch match; the thing refused to leave his side.

Everywhere Harry went, the Snitch followed. Everywhere... it was like having an inanimate puppy tagging along! Hell, at times it even seemed protective in a way. Especially after that incident involving Malfoy and a bucket of sludge where the ferret ended up on his arse with the bucket upended on his head and sludge slopping down his front.

Hermione had plucked it out of the air, while Harry mounted his broom to go train for the next match and held onto it gently. The walnut-sized thing kept buzzing and trying to escape her encompassing grip. She whispered to it, "Now don't you fret, he's not going to leave you for another Snitch. He just doesn't want to see you get hurt. He's acting like a good daddy, isn't he?"

"Who're you talking to, Hermi?" Ron sat heavily next to her.

She gave him a dirty look, "Don't call me 'Hermi,' Ronald!"

He waved her down dismissively, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Seriously, who were you talking to?"

Hermione showed him the Snitch, "I was speaking to Harry's Snitch."

Ron gave her a weird side eye, "Barmy. Absolutely barmy."

Hermione rolled her eyes and huffed back, "Like you haven't been moaning into your pillow every night! Oh Lavender!"

As they continued bickering, Snitch managed to escape to go rejoin his owner. Somewhere deep within the magics involved, a tiny voice might’ve been heard saying, "Gotta save Harry!"

Broom closet reveals

The infamous Hogwarts broom closets. Long used as a place for amorous couples to sneak away for a quick pick-me-up, they have one feature that no one knew about.

In times of emergency, they will send any and all who hide in them directly to the Great Hall regardless of their state of dress.

Salazar Slytherin was notorious for declaring a made up emergency just to purge the closets at random times to punish his wayward students. Godric did it just for laughs.

The Marauders figured out how the system worked in their 6th year and sowed terror through the school.

The Weasley Twins also figured it out and went even one better. They altered the teleportation schema to transfer the naughty to the Ministry Atrium…

Daisy the Elf Saves the Longbottoms

When the wards were attacked on 5 November 1981, Daisy knew she only had moments. Normally, when wards fell there was a blinding flash of light and a thunderous boom. This factored heavily into her plans to whisk the invaders off her Master’s lands.

With an actinic flash of light and a heavy whump that rattled their bones, Bellatrix LeStrange, her husband, brother-in-law, and Barty Crouch Jr cleared their senses and looked around in confusion.

“What the Hell? Weren’t we just looking at Longbottom Manor?” Bellatrix’ husband Rodolphus complained.

Glancing around, they began to notice unusual details. The interior was lavishly appointed, but the artwork was all done of a sexually graphic nature. Whips, chains, and leather accouterments hung on display. Barty nudged Rastaban, “You sure this isn’t Bella’s room?” Rastaban shushed him with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk teasing the corners of his mouth.

A severe-looking woman entered the room and observed them for a moment, “You must be our newest clients. I must warn you now that whatever level of dominance you thought you had in the outside world, you are mere slaves in here until you can prove yourselves.” With that she clipped a collar and leash around a shocked Bellatrix’ neck and led her away.

The last anyone heard from her as she entered the next room was, “What am I…ooh, mama likes!”

Potter’s Potions Possibilities

By fifth year, Severus Snape was about ready to chuck his oath to keep Harry Potter safe if only to get some stress relief from having the spawn of his enemy in his classroom.

Ever since the boy’s first year, he’d been frustrating the Potions Master to no end. From intentionally melting cauldrons to adding ingredients incorrectly, ill-timed, or just to see what would happen; Harry would just recover quickly and calmly write down the results in his notebook.

Near Christmas, Severus finally had enough, “Potter!” He spat, “Why do you insist on making a mockery of this class and endangering the others?”

Harry looked up to the irate teacher, his eyes glowing in an unholy green luminosity while his voice sent shivers up and down everyone’s spines, “It’s simple; I want everyone to learn from my mistakes. We all saw what happened to Neville and the Burn Paste Incident in first year. I don’t want that to happen to anyone else, so I’m stepping up to the plate as it were and doing my civic duty to show what happens when you deviate from the official source.”

Off on the Slytherin side of the laboratory, Pansy Parkinson was heard stage-whispering to Daphne Greengrass, “Now THERE’S Gryffindor bravery! I wish more of them would show that kind of class.”

Daphne nodded her agreement as she squirmed in her seat and raked her eyes over the alpha image that was Harry James Potter, “It also helps that he’s so tasty looking and the way those eyes seem to burrow into your soul.”

Dark Lord Potter? (Grey Harry)

4th year, Tri-Wizard Tournament

After the dragon, Harry was fed up with everyone's attitudes towards him. Frankly, the only people who didn't annoy him were Neville, Hermione, Luna, and Daphne so he pulled them into the Room of Requirement for a planning session.

So it during the Second Task that Harry revealed a secret of his that he'd been developing. The Merfolk were trying to force him to save Ron Weasley (of all people!) when he pulled his arm back and let fly with elemental lightning.

Now, lightning and water doesn't react well with each other. The only ones who weren't affected by the electrical burns were himself, Gabrielle Delacour, and Hermione. The rest were fried, in some cases to their grisly deaths (Ron only got charred.)

When they emerged from the lake, Harry turned his blazing green eyes onto the judges and screamed forcefully, putting all of his anger and magic behind it.

The resulting magical shockwave blew out the castle’s windows, destroyed the trinkets in Albus' office, and ripped through the old man himself sending him flying before impacting the hard ground.

Albus managed to pry his eyes open and flinched in fear at the look of pure hatred in Harry's face. "Harry, my b..." That was as far as he got before Harry unleashed another round of magical lightning into the one who had caused his life to be a living nightmare and shredded his soul from his shriveled body.

Turning to the frightened crowd, he spoke with a simmering hatred that while outwardly calm held terrifying power, "You are all guilty. You are what made me what I am. You vilify me when I don't live up to your expectations. You've described me as an attention-seeking, power-hungry liar, and worst of all, you let this bastard get away with egging you on. Not one of you deserve my mercy for when I'm done, you'll wish that Voldemort had succeeded."

Later, up in the Room of Requirement, Harry leant his head back against Hermione’s chest and laughed uproariously at Luna’s dirty joke. Neville had one arm draped over Daphne’s shoulder and nudged Harry with the other, "Hey, Harry." When Harry picked his head up to look at his godbrother, Neville threw him a grin and a wink, "Mischief Managed. I think your parents would be proud of you."

Harry sighed, "Yeah, but now we need to think of the changes we want to make."

Luna squealed and dragged out a chalkboard, "I've got some wonderful ideas!"

Harry glanced up at Hermione’s worried face and stage-whispered, "I've got a bad feeling about this..."

I had a very good teacher

Thanks to space-expansion charms, a modest exterior can handle a palatial interior!

Upon first inspection, the house was...cute. It reminded her of one of those Storybook cottages where fairies, woodland nymphs, and such might live.

That all changed when Harry opened the door and carried her over the threshold bridal-style.

Hermione was impressed with Harry's designs and implementation. "I thought space-expansion charms were my thing," she purred as her eyes roved over the seemingly endless aisles of books."

Harry turned and gave her a tonsil-searing kiss, "I had a very good teacher." He led her by hand towards the Master bedroom, "Now it's your turn to be taught a few things."

Hermione gazed lustily at him through heavy-lidded eyes as her imagination spiraled out of control, felt a happy churning in her core, and giggled excitedly.

For the Greater Good

Rowena Ravenclaw was reported to be a celebrated Seer, so much so that while she and the other three were getting ready to formalize the School Charter; she had a vision of a headmaster who wore ridiculous clothes and a long white beard pompously parading around plotting the death of so many innocents for his idealized notion of the way the world ought to be.

“We cannot let future leaders of this school run rampant. There needs to be a term limit as to how long they’re allowed to serve. I vote for a maximum of two terms at no longer than 10 years per.”

The other three thought that was reasonable so it was included in the official documentation.

Fast forward to Harry’s Era

Albus Dumbledore sat in the Hog’s Head tavern frowning over his beer. Thanks to that short-sighted and frankly idiotic decision made by the Founders, he had been forced from his position as Headmaster right when he was needed there the most! ‘How am I to guide this nation towards the Greater Good if I’m prevented from grooming the future generations?’

In retrospect, he was grateful that he still possessed the positions as Chief Warlock and Supreme Mugwump. Try as he did, he was never able to override the enchantments that barred him from entering the castle once his two terms were up. ‘If I could only enter, I could guide the Chosen One towards his destiny!’

With no reason to be within proximity of Harry Potter, his plans to influence the boy by leaving clues of the Philosopher’s Stone had been scuppered before they could even take root. No Stone, no Defense class Curse. As such, while school was in session, Harry Potter had seven years of quiet education. Even when Harry visited Hogsmeade from 3rd year on, no matter how urgent Albus made his requests, Harry avoided the crazy old man and his distorted views.

A Potter in Slytherin?

The morning after a truly momentous sorting where 11 year old Harry Potter got sorted into Slytherin, the boy stepped out of dorm wearing a set of psychedelic robes that simultaneously damaged everyone's corneas and induced massive migraines.

Severus did his best to keep from getting all 'swirly' and yelled at him, "Potter! We have a dress code here in Slytherin. Why are you wearing something that not even the headmaster would think is stylish?"

Harry let a slow smile drift across his face which caused his Head of House to shiver in dread, "These robes were designed to keep people from guessing my True Colors. Am I a brave Gryffindor? A studious Ravenclaw? Or a sweet Hufflepuff? You won't know until it's too late."

The crowd parted before him, some even going so far as to bow their heads in respect. He paused at the doorway to look back and stated clearly, "The Age of Fear, Anger, and Suspicion is over. Let the past die in the ashes of the last war. Ladies and gentlemen, we the first years are the future. We shall revitalize the glory of Salazar Slytherin and remind everyone that to be a member of this proud and noble House means showing skill, cunning, and a certain disregard for established rules."

Draco stole a glance at his roommate, Blaise Zabini, "This year ought to be enlightening."

You’re Everywhere to Me

2002, Harry and Hermione decided to finally get married a few years after the war ended and all the funerals were attended. Six months prior, they both attended a Michelle Branch concert on a whim.

At the reception, they headed to the dance floor to have their first dance as husband and wife. Hermione didn't know which song Harry had chosen since he wanted it to be a surprise. She gasped as at the first guitar chord was played and held her husband closer, gazing dreamily in his eyes as she lip-synched to the music, "You're everywhere to me."

https://youtu.be/HLCasyAh7ic

Draco, you idiot…

4th year, and the introduction of the Potter Stinks badges

Hermione was in a right state when she saw those badges and the hidden message that declared ‘Potter Stinks.’ She enlisted the aid of their other friends who still believed in Harry (Author’s choice) to gather up a few of them for experimentation and possible alteration. Luna came through in a moment of ingenuity when she managed to snag Draco’s badge which when analyzed, proved to be the Master control over all the others.

A week later, the new and improved badges were ready for testing. Now when pressed, the hidden message revealed itself to be one of four: ‘Potter is a stud,’ ‘We Believe!’ ‘Potter for the Win!’ or ‘Free the Snorkacks!’

The first time Harry read the altered badge which was reading as ‘Potter is a stud,’ he laughed and flashed the confused student a thumbs-up, “You got that right! I appreciate the support.” He left them standing in the hallway utterly bewildered.

This went on for a while before someone (Author’s choice) realized that the badges had been hacked. They confronted Draco about it who swore up and down that only he was able to change the messages!

The person stared at the sweating blond teen for a moment longer before slowly shaking their head in vexation, “Draco, you idiot…”

Karma Chameleon

It started off as a mere idea. Something to noodle over during class while waiting for Binns to stop droning on about Goblins. Harry found Hermione later, as always, hidden away in the library. Luna, perched on a seat opposite of her, trying valiantly to balance a quill on the tip of her pinkie finger.

"Ladies," he greeted them with a sly grin. "Would either of you happen to know where the sexiest bushy-haired student in Gryffindor is?"

Hermione rolled her eyes while a large grin spread over Luna’s face. "Smooth move, Harry. What do you want?" She caught the lecherous gleam in his eye. "Aside from that."

Harry ran his fingers through his hair as he sat down in an empty chair, coughing his laughter, "I had an idea in History and wanted to know if you'd like to help flesh it out." Luna put down the quill to lean into eagerly listen. "What if there was a spell that could be used to punish someone in a karmically comical manner?"

Hermione frowned, "Karmic how?"

"Well, let's say that someone stole money from you. The spell would then multiply that amount exponentially. The karmic part is that each coin, or whatever currency is used, is inversely exponentially worthless. The only way to lift it is to return the original money to the victim and apologize for the inconvenience." Harry finished by leaning back in his chair proudly.

Hermione glanced over at Luna to get her opinion. The quirky blonde shrugged indifferently and sent back an equally silent response. "It's a possibility, I suppose. What do we get if we help?"

"What do you want?" Again with that lecherous gleam and a waggle of his eyebrows.

This time she giggled, "I get to use you as my test subject."

Harry held out his hand, "Deal. I win either way. I get to watch you in action; especially when you get excited and do that thing..."

Hermione rushed to cover his mouth, "Harry James Potter! Not in front of Luna!"

Harry laughed, "You afraid I might scare her?"

Hermione gave him a blush of epic proportions, "You might give her ideas." Luna just sat there with a smugly satisfied grin on her face. Hermione leveled a warning finger at him, "If that happens, I'll use the spell on you. You won't get a moment’s peace."

Harry let a ghost of a smile appear, "I'm looking forward to it."

A month later, and Hermione’s threat came true. Harry had put the idea into Luna’s mind that Parseltongue acted like a great aphrodisiac. She in turn wanted to try it out on Hermione, much to the latter's annoyance since she needed to study for her NEWTs. As a result, she hit Harry with what had been dubbed the "Karmic Chameleon" spell. (The chameleon part came about by lying hidden until the circumstances were most inconvenient for the perpetrator.)

Harry spent the next two weeks being pursued by every eligible bachelorette regardless of age in the school until he managed to find and plead his apology to his vindicated girlfriend.

The Great Gryffindor Makeover

It started off as a dare between friends back in third year. Harry would allow one homesick first year girl to paint his nails (feet and hands) as a way to help the child to adjust to her new surroundings. From there, it built up into a tradition, wherein every week Harry would park himself on the floor by the fireplace and let ALL the firsties give him a makeover: hair, nails, and makeup!

Photos of Harry’s weekly new look started circulating thanks to the combined effort of a laughing Hermione and Colin Creevey (Harry didn’t mind; it helped the kids get over being homesick and that annoying Boy-Who-Lived mystique.) The experience took on a whole new meaning when the first makeover open to all Houses took place just after Christmas that Harry would take a seat in the Great Hall surrounded by the excitable chatter of eager firsties to give the so-called ‘Great Harry Potter’ a new look. Harry would never know who started it (he suspected the Twins) of running a book and setting challenges to see who could paint the most intricate nail polish job, best hairstyle, best makeup art, etc. The Grand Prize was a ‘date’ with Harry at dinner that evening (Harry would appear dressed nicely still in his done up look to the amusement of everyone.)

The tradition even continued into 4th year alongside the Tri-Wizard Tournament. The sight of Harry acting the gentleman to an awed wide-eyed first year regardless of House endeared him to many (even the Slytherins who normally sneered at him couldn’t fault him for his behavior.)

Fifth year brought Umbridge who was informed in no uncertain terms that The Great Gryffindor Makeover would take place as always and if the Toad even thought for a second at interrupting it; she could kiss hers and Cornelius’ jobs goodbye!

In fact, the only time the tradition had to be put on hold, was during the Second Blood War. An hour after Voldemort’s unlamented demise, Harry walked out into the middle of the damaged Great Hall carrying a box, sat down on the floor, opened said box to reveal an assortment of makeup products, and announced to the room at large, “Who wants to go first?”

A Snake in Gryffindor Colors

Summer before 4th year, Harry’d been listening to the rumors and gossip about the major event that was going to take place up at Hogwarts this year thanks to his spy, code named “Dobbster Elfman.”

Armed with this intell, he donned his Invisibility Cloak and traveled to the Ministry late one night after the Weasleys had gone to sleep and made his way to where the Goblet of Fire was being displayed. Harry pulled out the notebook Hermione had given him earlier that evening with all of the known information on how to set the enchantments.

Working quietly, he reset the requirements set by the Tri-Wizard officials to include a requirement for a blood sample to act as confirmation that the Champion announced verbally, was in fact the one selected based on the writer’s magic suitability. If the blood did NOT match, the person would be declared invalid and released from the binding athletes’ contract. Next, he found the enchantments that would disqualify any names previously entered or didn’t meet the age requirements and reinforced them so no one could layer a Confundus or similar spell to trick the Goblet into thinking that more was better. Finally, he added a command code that once three names were selected, to immediately extinguish the flames.

As an added bonus, he wrote in a automated disqualification regardless of the school from any country for himself, Hermione, Neville, and Luna. As part of the punishment to be given to anyone who dared to enter in someone’s name illegally, Harry set it up that it would choose the person who wrote the names and drain them 75% of their available magic. Once all that was done; he packed up the Goblet, and hightailed it back to the Burrow.

Fast forward to the Champion Selection Ceremony. The three Champions chosen were Victor Krum, Fleur Delacour, and Cedric Diggory. The fire promptly went out afterwards. Barty Crouch, Jr sat there in mute shock certainty that his Confundus and phony school name had worked yet was stymied as to why Potter’s name hadn’t been selected. Albus too, was surprised; he could’ve sworn he set the requirements properly for Harry’s name to be entered via a scrap of parchment courtesy of one of the boy’s homework assignments. On top of that, both began feeling the effects of the magical drain.

No matter how hard the two men tried, neither could figure out that there was a Snake in Gryffindor Colors.

Omake to a prompt:

"In the magical criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: Dobbster Elfman, who investigates crime, and the Potters, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories..."

The Professors’ End of Year Review

(Created by Roger Myers with a paragraph at the end by Yvette Maxwell. Minor editing by myself.)

It was the end of the 1995-1996 school year. The mournful whistle of the Hogwarts Express was fading in the distance and the professors were conducting a yearly ritual.

Minerva poured the glasses of Ogden's Finest and passed them around. As usual Snape transformed his into sparkling cider.

Raising her glass she sighed, "To another successful year we have managed to survive."

"No thanks to Albus, Potter, and that Putrid Pink menace," Snape snarled.

"That's not fair, Severus. Two out of those three are not the problem." Pomona said, a curl of smoke from her pipe sweetly rising towards the ceiling.

"Really Pomona? I would expect Minerva to rise to Albus' defense but you?" Snape snorted as he swirled the cider around in his glass.

"Here now. Of course I'll defend Albus. I'm one of his oldest friends and owe him my postion. As do you." Minervas reminded the sallow potions master.

"As he is overly fond of reminding me so that he may keep that leash as tight as possible." Snape countered.

Minerva frowned but Flitwick made a grunt of agreement as he slammed the Ogden's back like it was water, "Meh. Snape has a point. Potter has the most unenviable ability to find himself at the heart of the storm far too often."

Poppy enthusiastically agreed, "I have seen that boy in my care more than anyone except his girlfriend Granger."

"She's not his girlfriend." Minerva said crossly.

"Really? She should be. Among my people they would already be shopping for a line unification ring." Flitwick snorted as he pulled a small flask of some strong green and spicy-scented liquid from his vest pocket. "I mean have you seen the way their magic swirls around each other? The way they look at each other with repressed lust?"

"I would ask you not to speak of my students like that!" Minerva frowned, "I do not encourage explorations or expressions of lust."

Snape snorted in derision, "No wonder so many Gryffindors come to me for the morning after potion."

"Or a prophylactic for the ones who want to take precautions." Poppy agreed.

"Are you trying to imply that my lions are recklessly amorous?" Minerva scowled.

"No. Not at all. I am just saying I find more Gryffindors in compromising positions in broom closets than anyone other than Ravenclaws." Snape sarcastically said.

"I'm certain the other houses have just as much exploration." Minerva grumbled.

Pomona Sprout chuckled as she took another long drag of her herbs, "Oh yeah. We just do it in a nice safe comfortable bed in the dorms, not some dirty broom closet."

Flitwick shrugged, "I don't ask and they don't tell."

Minerva frowned as she threw back her slug. "Well fine. I'll have to say I get micromanaged so much by Albus that I cannot even begin to do my duties as Head of House. Not to mention I have to clean up after his messes. This year was the second worst one I have ever." Minerva poured a second round for everyone.

"Albus is losing it. That's for certain." Pomona said sagely. "I have tried to get him to let me run some tests but he keeps brushing them off."

"In the warrens he'd have already been challenged to prove his leadership capabilities." Flitwick stated.

"So Albus is the root of all of our problems. He allowed Potter to come here, he allowed the Ministry to take over, he allowed a Death Eater that was not myself, to teach here. Plus the Basilisk, and the Dementors, and the Dark Lord himself in first year. I have to say as Deputy you should have caught some of that." Snape pointed out.

"Yes, and if the old man would have allowed me to do my job, I would have. This place has become so slipshod and ruddy well chaotic that I fear for what next year is going to bring." Minerva sighed.

Flitwick began to give a rather toothy Goblin grin, "You know he doesn't have to remain Headmaster."

"He has declared he will die in office." Poppy sighed, "And sadly it does not look like that is going to happen anytime soon."

Snape raised his eyebrow with a slight smirk, "True. If only we had access to a deadly venomous basilisk in our basement. Or maybe some accident with charms."

Pomona laughed, "Maybe some nightshade stew or belladona tea?"

Flitwick chuckled, "Ahh those stupid lemon drops he's always sucking on. A delayed action fireball on one of them would be quite the heartburn.."

Minerva slammed her glass down, "I cannot believe I'm hearing all of you." Pouring a third slug she said, "At least wait until I leave the room before you begin to plot like petty Romans on the Ides of March, especially since all of YOUR methods would be too QUICK for Albus. If yer thinkin' o' doing him in, at th' least make 'im suffer fer a bit, FIRST!"

Flitwick and Sprout stared at her for a moment before guffawing. "Certainly Minerva my dear. Certainly..." Snape agreed smiling dreamily.

Queen of the Ball

7th year, Voldemort was dealt with by James and Lily (Ignore the model wearing the dress, I still haven't figured out how to effectively photoshop anything yet.)

The Yule Ball was approaching and Hermione was going spare trying to find the right gown. It finally took several applications of Harry's 'special' touch to calm her down. "You know what color you want, right?" He asked as he nibbled on her earlobe.

"Uh-huh," she mewled happily. "Gryffindor red and gold."

"Then let me deal with the rest."

All week long, he refused to answer her questions about what he had in mind for her dress. The day of the Ball arrived; when Hermione woke up, she saw the garment bag hanging on her bedpost. Unzipping the bag, she drew out the dress and felt her jaw drop.

"Eat your heart out Daphne Greengrass."

Chapter Text

Boom Boom Bellatrix

Timeline pushed forward 20 years. Harry was born 31 July 2000.

June 2015; Department of Mysteries, Hall of Prophecies

Harry, Hermione, Luna, and the others stood back to back as they squared off against the surprise ambush of the Death Eaters. Lucius revealed his face and ordered Harry to hand over the Prophecy.

“Why doesn’t Voldemort just come and get it himself?”

An angry hiss erupted from the back as a female form pushed her way to the front, “You dare say his name?”

Lucius held out a hand, “Easy there, Bellatrix; I’m sure Mr. Potter…”

“Wait,” Harry interrupted, “Did you just say ‘Bellatrix’? As in ‘Boom Boom Bellatrix ‘?”

Surprisingly, Bellatrix’ cheeks pinked, “Where did you hear that name?”

Harry’s eyes lit up, “Are you kidding? You and the other two Black sisters are legendary!” He glanced at Lucius, “Have you never heard the story?”

Despite the gravity of the moment, Lucius shook his head, “Why don’t you enlighten us, Potter.”

Harry cleared his throat, “Twenty years ago, the Daughters of Black put on a song and dance number for Slytherin House. They copied the all-girl group Salt-N-Pepa when they sang their song “Shoop.” Bellatrix earned her nickname by stumbling on one of the choreographed moves, tripped over one of the others sending them headfirst into a liquor cabinet. By the time Slughorn got there, the liquor fumes had ignited with two resounding booms of noise. From that moment on, Bellatrix here has been known as ‘Boom Boom.’”

Snickers and snorts of laughter were heard from the other Death Eaters. One was heard saying, “Ah, those were the days.”

While the Death Eaters were laughing at a madly blushing Bella, Hermione cast a reducto charm on the shelving behind them. The teenagers managed to give the Death Eaters the slip in the melee.

Right before Harry disappeared into the next room, he yelled back at the flailing Death Eaters, “Hey, Boom Boom Bella! Shoop shoop ba-doop!!”

https://youtu.be/4vaN01VLYSQ

Molly Weasley’s Big New Job

At her wit's end with all of her other duties, Minerva McGonagall finally has to face the fact that she can't successfully juggle being a teacher, Deputy Headmistress, and Head of Gryffindor if she wants to maintain her sanity.

To that end, she calls upon the one person she can count on to maintain the standards of the office she worked so hard to build up.

The twins are mortified and vanish into one of their secret pranking lairs, Ronnie starts whinging to anyone within earshot that now he'll never get 'help' with his homework, and Ginny is utterly embarrassed at the thought of her mum rifling through her things at school too and terrorizing potential boyfriends.

Despite the feelings of her own brood, the usual tension within the Tower is at an all time low. The students now have someone to go to help them with their problems and listen to their woes.

Meanwhile, Minerva sits in her office proverbially purring at how smoothly everything is running. 'Not even the Slytherins are starting trouble!’

All was well.

Remus’ Perfect Job

Summer before 5th year, Grimmauld Place

Remus entered the study to the sounds of the teens snickering and laughing. It was frankly a welcome sight to see Harry acting like a normal teenager instead of his usual worrying. "What's going on?"

Harry's face shot up, a laugh still on his lips, "Nothing! I swear!"

Remus narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "Now why don't I believe that? What are you hiding? Miss Granger?" He knew from experience that she couldn’t resist a direction question.

Hermione's eyes widened comically as she valiantly tried to remain silent. "It's nothing, professor," she squeaked.

Remus shook his head disappointedly, "Fine, be that way. I'll be in the library if anyone needs me." As he turned to leave, his werewolf hearing picked up Hermione's voice pleading with the others. That was quickly followed by the unmistakable sounds of someone being kissed with a pleased giggle finish.

***

Later that evening after the teens had gone to bed, Remus found Sirius looking over something written on a notebook, "What do you have there, Pads?"

Sirius was still quietly chuckling, "It's a list."

"Of?"

Sirius angled the notebook so Remus could see, it was titled 'Jobs perfect for a moody werewolf.' Some of what was listed there included:

1. Work in the meat department of a grocery shop.
2. Hawk sheepskin seat covers at flea markets.
3. Take a position as a docent for a planetarium.
4. Become a sheep or goat herder.
5. Test the structural characteristics of pig's houses by blowing on them.
6. Teach greasy dungeon bats how to wash their hair.
7. Get a position as a perfume sniffer.
8. Get a position as a little red riding hood minder.
9. Record a cover for Duran Duran's song 'Hungry like the wolf.'
10. Get the lead role for the stage performance of 'An American Werewolf in London.'

Remus let out a low groan and covered his face with his hands, "At least they're enjoying themselves and not sitting around brooding."

Sirius snorted and clapped his hand on his friend's shoulder, "Come on. Let's go prank the kids as payback. I've got this bottle of magical contact cement I've been saving for years."

Learning for Luna

What if young Luna had been introduced to the characters on Sesame Street instead of wandering the countryside while growing up? Her mother and father either found or bought a television set from the muggle town and rigged it to work in a magical home. While both parents worked, Luna was learning how to count, say her ABCs, and more.

Then after her mother passed away, she still had her Muppet friends, including Mr. Snuffleupagus, to bolster her courage to make new friends.

Hermione Granger, Guardian of the Light

It was mid-spring of 1996 when Harry started noticing that Hermione would disappear for hours at a time on the weekends. He checked the library, at her favorite haunts, but no one or thing had seen her.

He worried about her, Umbridge was sucking the life out of the castle with all of her Educational Decrees and draconian punishments. So it was, on a particularly sunny April morning; Harry donned his Cloak and followed his bushy-haired best friend.

***

Hermione kept checking over her shoulder, certain that she was being followed despite not able to see anything. Her footsteps echoed on the hard stone pavers as she traversed the empty halls. She reached into her pocket and extracted an ancient-looking brass key and fitted it into the keyhole of an equally ancient door and slipped inside.

***

Harry crept along and managed to follow her inside without making a sound. His pace slowed to a halt as his widening eyes took in the sight around him before they fell upon Hermione curling up on an armchair, clutching a book, surrounded by light.

All because of a typo

7^th year, Horcrux Hunt

While the trio were preparing for their infiltration of the Ministry, the Editor of the Daily Prophet was hurrying out of his office already late for an important date. His print manager had sent the assistant to verify that tomorrow’s run had been proofed, so when the assistant spotted Cuffe, he naturally asked if everything was alright. “I’ve got…”

Cuffe brusquely pushed him aside, “Yeah, whatever it is, fine.”

Xxx

The next morning, witches (and a few bent wizards) up and down the country nearly had an aneurysm at the headline:

50 MILLION GALLEONS TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES HEAD TO HARRY POTTER

Blissfully unaware, Harry stumbled into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place. He sat down at the table and nursed his cup of tea while Hermione kept staring at him oddly, with a dreamy smile on her face. Finally, she leant over and kissed him soundly on the lips, “I wonder if I could claim the reward.”

Happy for the kiss but clueless about the comment, he eloquently replied, “Huh?”

“I think the danger you’re in, just got a whole lot more crazy.”

“What are you on about?” He was the one now staring oddly at her. She placed the paper down and pointed at the headline. Harry’s eyes bugged out the moment he comprehended what he was looking at and let out a low groan, “I’m so screwed.”

Hermione licked her lips, a lusty glint in her eyes as she moved to straddle his lap, “Mmm, I would do that for free…”

Viva Severus Snape

Severus Snape has a secret. No, not the badly hidden secret that involved his love for Lily Evans. The secret he’s desperate to hide from the others.

Severus is a closet Elvis Presley impersonator.

Xxx

6^th year, Harry discovers not only the Half Blood Prince’s potions book but also a photograph of Severus in full costume standing in front of the gates to Graceland!

Stunned, it takes a moment before a sly grin stole across his face, “I’ve got an idea…”

Elsewhere in the castle, Severus shivered uncontrollably for a moment. “I’ve got a bad feeling something’s going to happen and it involves Potter…”

Xxx

Two days later at dinner, the Great Hall’s lights drop away leaving only Severus’ spot illuminated. A voice that sounded suspiciously like Harry’s rang out, “He may have been born to the Prince Family, but Severus Snape is the King, baby! Thank you, thank you very much!”

The room lights flared to life to reveal a huge banner showing the Severus at Graceland photo. Down on the floor, Harry, Fred and George, plus a couple of other Presley fans were decked out in their own costumes. Elvis’ song “You ain’t nothing but a hound dog” began blaring across the room.

Everyone, from Albus down to the youngest first year, watched the spectacle with amusement as Harry and others lip-synced to the songs, and gyrated their hips ‘oh-so-delectably’ (the girls were cheering and swooning while Minerva and the adults were embarrassed at the display.)

Severus slouched in his seat until prodded by Albus to join in. He glared at the man and at Harry but got up, took the conjured microphone, and cleared his throat as the song revved up,

“A little less conversation, a little more action, please;

All this aggravation ain’t satisfactioning me.

A little more bite and a little less bark;

A little less fight and a little more spark.

Close your mouth and open up your heart and, baby, satisfy me;

Satisfy me, baby!”

The room exploded into cheers and applause causing Severus to wince.

‘I’m never going to live this down…’

(Retaliation created by Yvette Maxwell)

Retaliation prank I can see Snape doing (that goes wrong) is firing a Compulsion hex at Harry, and Flitwick walks into the path of it just as Snape fires the hex, then Flitwick comes into lunch skipping to and singing Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

What might’ve been?

What if someone else beat Albus to defeating Grindlewald at the end of WW2 and disappeared? What if that other person left their own wand behind as punishment for the (at the time) most feared wizard and *that* was the wand that Dumbledore claimed thinking it was the Elder wand? What if that person wasn't swayed by the legend of the Death Stick?

Let's assume that both wands were made of Elder wood but the "imposter" had a different core.

How might that have affected Albus' mystique in the eyes of the magical community and later his interactions with Voldemort?

Plot twist: The mysterious person who captured the Elder wand was Garrick Ollivander.

Let that be your Final Illusion

2nd Blood War, over the streets of London

The Death Eaters were winning. London had become a literal war zone after the magical battles spilled over to the muggle world. Buckingham Palace was a bombed out wreck, Big Ben was just a crater, and the Tower of London was once again living up to its former infamy as a prison where muggles were sent to suffer in agony.

On the Light Side, a small band of resistance fighters clung to the tiniest shred of hope that someone from the outside would come to their rescue. Little did they know that help was on its way...

Monday, 4 May 1998

Harry sat watch over the remnants of his forces as they slept fitfully in an abandoned wreck of a warehouse near the docks. His weathered eye alert for any signs of an impending attack. Behind him, he heard Hermione rustling for something in her bag then step quietly up to him. "Morning," she greeted him quietly.

"Morning, sleep well?" He asked in response.

"Well enough. I hope that our call for help will be answered soon. I'm not sure how much longer Luna can hold out." Hermione glanced worriedly over to where their friend and lover lay, staring glassy-eyed to the heavens. She had taken an insidious Obliviation spell to the head that was slowly draining her memories.

Harry silently agreed as he draped an arm over shoulders and sent one more heartfelt plea to the cosmos. A heavy silence fell before something began to happen. At first, it was like a primal sense that something big had entered the scene. His hearing began picking up a low rumble coming in from the west as he stood to see what it was. He wasn't alone in gasping at the sight of four massive, dagger-shaped...warships descend out of the early morning fog.

"What the bloody Hell?!" He heard Neville yelp. Harry had to agree with him, Hermione however, recognized the ships and let out a shout of triumph.

"Yes!! I knew they existed!!"

"What are they?" Harry asked, his attention locked solidly on the strange flying ships.

Hermione viciously declared, "Victory-class Star Destroyers!"

Harry gave her a confused side-eye, "But those are only real in a movie, right? What good could movie models do?"

The captains of those ships answered his question by raining destructive fire down upon the Death Eater fortifications. Site after site, they detonated in a spectacular display of noise and debris. Some spellfire was returned but it seemed pitiful in comparison.

Xxx

Days later, Harry along with his ragtag team met with their saviors. "I am Harry Potter, leader of the Forces of Light. I thank you for coming to our aid."

The leader of the alien forces removed its helmet, revealing an achingly-familiar face and large bat-like ears, "It was our pleasure, sir. My name is General Arpen Elfman, High Commander of the United Fae Forces."

Harry stood there in open-mouthed stupefaction, "Elves?! But...how...muggle ships..."

General Arpen smiled knowingly, "The muggles aren't the only ones who appreciate science fiction movies and it provided the best model for our illusion."

Hermione tilted her head, "Illusion?"

General Arpen touched her gently on the arm, allowing her to see past their enchantments. Hermione gasped then surprisingly, began laughing uncontrollably. "And they call me a genius!"

(Author's choice for what lays underneath the enchantments. Yes, I know the image below isn't that of London; it was the best that I could find.)

Lord Elf, human servant

Instead of humans ruling the magical world, it's the elves! Humans are the working class in this AU; they still have their own hierarchy, but any human can be transferred to another job regardless of their apparent skill. (Lucius Malfoy knows this all too well since he'd been transferred to working in the potato fields from spending years working indoors as a political aide to a wealthy elf named Dobby, for his secret role as a spy in the failed coup led by Voldemort.)

Muggleborns are treated better than those magically-raised simply because they're new to the community and still have the muggle training of being polite and eagerness to learn.

Hogwarts is still there, but rather than teaching the students essentially a combat training program (Dumbledore once tried to subtly steer the operations of the school into his own personal army but was discovered in 1992 and transferred to the Mythril mines); the kids are taught how to care for the land and their future superiors.

I’m a WHAT??!

Harry and the others in the DA discover a secret that has them completely unsure on how to proceed. While rummaging around the Room of Hidden Things, Seamus finds what at first glance, resembles a vintage muggle television set (1950s-1960s era.) He fumbles with the knobs trying to see if it'll still work when a strange image of a person typing on a computer appears on the screen.

He calls the others over as he watches the person consult notes, type a bit, get a cup of something to drink, type some more, and click to another screen to research something.

"What do you suppose this is all about?" He asked Hermione who'd pushed her way to the front.

She examined both the television and the computer screen and gasped at the sight of the writing narrating exactly not only what just transpired, but also Seamus' question and her reaction! Hell, it was even displaying her reaction to seeing her reaction.

"I think," she hesitated, "That whatever this person writes, is what actually happens! (Her face paled) Oh my God, I think we're characters in their story!"

(Author's choice as to how each of the DA members, and later the opposition, responds when they learn the truth.)

Chapter Text

Ceramic Kitty Creations

Who else could see Hermione or Luna creating this as a cute side venture while dating Harry?

‘Dating a Potter has some benefits,’ Hermione mused as she finished glazing her most recent batch of kitty figurines. Everyone loved the tiny kitties with their amusing costumes…and for some strange reason, their amusing little buttholes.

“The hole is necessary, Hermione,” Luna stated as she painted the face of her own kitty. “In a closed piece such as this, the heated air within the cavity needs a place to escape; so why not make it a practical place to let the gas out?”

Hermione grimaced, “I’m just worried that one of the boys will get it into their heads to fill them up and leave the kitties on a stove to create an ungodly noise just for the fun of it.”

Luna gave her a sly smile, “That’s why I’ve been glazing the insides with a potion that is keyed to whoever tries it. If one of our boys attempts it, they’ll turn bright orange.”

Elsewhere in the castle, a score of boys from all Houses suddenly shivered in fear…

Turnabout is fair play

Starts summer of 3^rd year.

Sick and tired of Albus’ usual manipulations and silver tongue; Minerva works with Filius and Bathsheda (Runes professor) to develop a runic array that could be sewn onto Albus’ robes and blend in with its decorations and be passive so his own detection spells don’t pick up on them.

Their goal Is to force him to tell the truth without realizing it. What he hears in his head is not what the public hears.

Xxx

Albus was growing concerned and clearly confused. Every time he spoke with the Wizengamot, Fudge, or Amelia; they would jeer or yell at him for reasons he couldn’t comprehend. Case in point was the decision of the Mot to withdraw the Dementors from their patrol around the school. He’d planned on giving a sob story to the school that he’d been overruled by those too short-sighted to think that the demon guards of Azkaban could protect the school any better than they did the prison. In reality, he was hoping to use them as a test to push the Potter heir in yet another scheme (and potentially get a few of the other heirs of families he didn’t like Kissed.)

He'd laid out his arguments and was summarily denied his case. Albus sat back in his chair ruminating on what could’ve happened.

Xxx

Harry was fuming after his latest chat with the headmaster. He’d asked why Black was after him, and again why Voldemort seemed so hung up on getting revenge. In Albus’ head, he gave his usual line of ‘It’s nothing you need to worry about right now.’ What Harry heard however was, ‘I can’t be bothered to tell you because it would disrupt my plans to screw you over and deny me control over your life.’

Harry sought out Hermione and Neville to start planning on a way to escape from the Hogwartian nightmare. They brought in Remus after the latter shared a similar insight as to the reality of why Albus allowed him to study at the school and no other werewolves since then as well as the fact that Albus said he didn’t push to get Sirius a trial because then the latter would be able to get custody over the Boy-Who-Lived (not that Albus heard that, of course.)

Xxx

Minerva was veritably purring like her Animagus form as she listened to Albus go on during their latest staff meeting. To see someone like Severus getting his long-sought after questions answered; it gave her a warm fuzzy feeling to see the dour man show a deep-seated anger towards his employer as he realized he’d been played for so many years.

‘Oh, what a shame! Albus, my boy; you’re starting to learn what it’s like to experience not getting your way just because you want it to happen. Turnabout is fair play after all.’

The Granger Three

What if Hermione was one part of a set of triplets? Hermione (Mia), Desdemona (Desi), and Ophelia (Lia) Granger. Despite being physically identical, they’re their own personality; Mia is the studious one, Desi is the chatty one, and Lia is the physical one. They may seem like they couldn’t possibly have anything in common aside from genetics, but if you mess with one; you have to deal with all three!

Xxx

Harry met the trio on the Hogwarts Express at the start of first year and was immediately entranced with each. He loved that he could have a interesting conversation of just about everything. It didn’t matter the topic, he just loved hearing the trio start speaking in stereo at random moments.

At their Sorting, Lia was sent to Gryffindor, Mia went to Ravenclaw, and Desi went into Hufflepuff. To round out the bunch, Harry got sorted into Slytherin. Desi liked to joke that it seemed appropriate that all four Houses were properly represented. When asked why Harry would allow himself to be sorted into the House that produced the madman who killed his parents, Harry would just wink with a cheeky conspiratorial smirk that in later years, would cause hearts to flutter, “Because it’s funny, and it’ll keep Dumbledore on his toes.”

Xxx

Throughout their school years, they would routinely smash educational records and prove to the bigoted purebloods that they were not to be trifled with. Brains, beauty, and spirit…

Watch out world, here comes The Granger Triplets!!

Remus Lupin, Big Bad Wolf

Summer of 5th year; Grimmauld Place

Seeing Remus going through his usual cycle of depression as the full moon approached; Harry got together with Hermione to discuss some options to cheer the man up. Harry was finishing up a random sketch of an idea he was noodling around with when Hermione saw it and gasped, "I'll be right back!"

Harry looked up in confusion, his eyes and ears tracking the thumping of her footfalls in the halls and staircases. 'What was that about?' He wondered before returning to his sketch.

Three hours later, Hermione returned with both Lavender and Parvati in tow; the latter two were curious about this project that Granger had drafted them into. "Harry, show them your sketch." He slid it over to them. Hermione turned to the Fashion Duo, "You think you could make this?"

Parvati shrugged, "Sure, looks easy enough. The question is, why? Who is it for?"

"It's for Professor Lupin." Hermione explained, "Remember how he got outed as being a werewolf? He's been taking a potion that allows him to keep his human mind. The thing is, he's been depressed and we (motioning between Harry and herself) were hoping you'd be able to work your magic on creating something he could feel good in."

Lavender picked up the sketch and glanced at Parvati, "Well, let's go over the details, shall we?"

***

Fast forward to the night of the full moon...

Moony sat dejectedly in his cage, bored out of his mind when he heard the door opening. His eyes widened at the sight of Harry entering the room with not only Hermione, but also the Brown girl and one of the Patil twins, plus a large box. Moony wished he could speak because he really wanted to admonish them!

"Moony, we know you've been feeling down about yourself, so we got together to make you something. Sirius is waiting outside to take you out for a Marauders Midnight Mayhem, whatever that means." Harry set the box down and ushered the girls out.

Curious, Moony sniffed the box and carefully opened it. When he saw the outfit, he could only groan and chuckle to himself. 'Look out London, it's time for the Big Bad Wolf to step out on the town!'

(Use Zoot suit wolf picture)

The savior of Magical Britain is the Sorting Hat?

When the Hat looked into young Tom Riddle's mind at the boy's Sorting, he could see the darkness that lay within the lad's soul and the acts of depravity he'd already accomplished with those poor muggle children.

'Oh dear, this cannot be allowed to flourish,' he thought to himself, 'But what can I do?'

Outside...

"I'm sorry, but I cannot sort this child for he is not capable of studying here at Hogwarts." The Hall was aghast at the Hat's sudden announcement. Dumbledore was just starting to rise to his feet to argue when the Hat continued. "The child is magical but I sense a level of intelligence that our teachers would not be able to cope with. To that end, I have summoned my counterpart to alert educational specialists who will ensure that Thomas Marvolo Riddle get the best care possible."

There was a brief moment of silence before the Hall erupted into applause, chatter, and well-wishes. Ten minutes later, a quartet of grey-cloaked Unspeakables arrived and escorted Tom out of the school.

Later, in Dumbledore’s office...

"Why did you call the Unspeakables for young Tom Riddle, Hat?"

"I saw the darkness inside him, Deputy Headmaster. He was beyond redemption. Better he be with the Unspeakables who will care for him under controlled conditions than to allow that diseased mind to roam free and potentially infect others. Like you constantly insinuate, it's for the Greater Good."

Albus would never know just how much misery and death over the next 50 years had been averted thanks to the Sorting Hat.

Pranking the Moronic Ministry Duo

Do you suppose that Director Bones and her cadre of trusted Aurors ever pulled pranks on the Minister and his entourage? I can just picture Fudge getting word that someone influential (and paying into his coffers) has been arrested and sent to the DMLE holding cells. He rushes down there with Dolores in tow, demanding that said person be released immediately.

The jailer cocked his head curiously, "Minister, look around you. The place is empty."

Flustered, Fudge and the Toad leave but soon another rumor reaches them about someone breaking into Dolores' office to steal some important documents. Again, they race off to confront the problem only to be brought up short by the seeming confusion of the on-site Aurors who deny that anything unusual or criminal took place. "An owl took a dump on the desk over there causing Harris to barf on the floor; but that's the extent of the excitement."

Around and around the pair went until the finally collapsed in Fudge's office. Meanwhile, Amelia's standing in front of a whiteboard, motioning to the others in the room, "Who has them investigating a rampaging herd of Mooncalves at 4pm? 5 to 1 odds on Dolores screeching something nasty about mudbloods? Within ten minutes of their arrival? Gotcha. Who else wants to go in?"

For the REAL Greater Good

What if the government of Magical Britain had term and office limits on the high-ranking positions of power? After Albus defeated Grindlewald at the end of WW2, he was offered a choice of a single position as either Chief Warlock, ICW representative, or Headmaster of Hogwarts. The caveat being that he was only allowed to hold one position for ten years; after that he would be forbidden from holding it again. No matter how much he begs, pleads, or pulls backroom shady deals; the magic built into the Charter is unassailable.

Once his time is up in all three positions, he is forced to either retire, take up a teaching position (but no tenure), or work in a shop. This begs the question of what the sociopolitical landscape would become if Albus didn't have a stranglehold on the nation's progress.

A Different Introduction

1 September, 1991; Hogwarts Express, Platform 9 ¾

Harry looked up as the door to his compartment opened to reveal three boys, two were clearly bruisers in the making while the third was rather aristocratic in appearance.

“In, get in!” The blond boy urged the other two and shut the door behind them. He worriedly glanced out the window to make sure no one else was approaching. He let out a sigh of relief and flopped heavily onto the bench; his two companions did so likewise.

“I remember you. From Madam Malkin’s, right?” Harry started.

The blond nodded, “Yeah, that’s right. I’m Draco Malfoy. (He thumbed to each of the boys) This is Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle. We’re glad you had room, our parents have been driving us nuts the past week.”

Harry introduced himself causing their eyebrows to shoot off into their hairlines. “You were acting differently at the robes shop.”

Draco let a lopsided grin ghost his face, “That’s how our parents expect us to behave in public. Now that we’re shot of them, I can finally just be myself.”

A redheaded boy showed up just then, stuck his head in the compartment and sneered something at Draco who shot back some scathing remarks. After the newcomer had left, Draco shook his head, “That was Ron Weasley. He’s just as loud and opinionated as his mother according to my mother who says she’s had the unfortunate ‘pleasure’ of interacting with. According to Molly Weasley and by extension her son, all Malfoys are evil gits.”

Harry slowly nodded his head, “What’s your opinion on that?”

Draco shrugged indifferently, “He’s entitled to his own views, even if they are wrong. Not all Malfoys are bad, there have even been a couple who served the muggle royalty.”

The quartet of boys got to talking. Harry pulled out his textbooks and his wand. He was demonstrating a couple of charms he’d learned over the summer. At the sound of a light knocking, the door opened once more revealing a bushy-haired girl standing there looking curious, “Excuse me, but have any of you seen a toad?”

In perfect Harmony

What if during the second war, Hermione tips off Lee Jordan and the others of the Magical Underground that there’s another way to fight back against the Dark by using subliminal messaging?

“By embedding messages into the harmonics of a song, it’s possible to influence how your target audience thinks without them even being aware that they’re being manipulated,” she explained to an astonished group.

Harry powered on a record player and loaded in the LP for Led Zeppelin, “We found that to make the effects work better, you have to start with a song that matches what you want people to do. Take this song for example.” He lowered the needle as the ‘Immigrant Song’ began to play.

When it ended, Kingsley shook his head briefly and rumbled, “I have the strange urge to go out and battle a bunch of Death Eaters.” His features turned to shock a moment later as his mind caught up the remaining emotions, “Merlin…”

Hermione gestured knowingly, “See? Embedding the messages is easy. We have the gear back at Grimmauld Place to do so in a matter of a couple of hours.” She turned to the Weasley Twins, “You could set up a holiday display filled with a specific recording special like one week, it’s a song that suggests that they donate money to a charity, or a song that compels them to vote a certain way.”

By now, the twins and Lee were whispering fervently between them. Harry noticed Molly fretting in the background as he raised his voice a touch, “The best part of this system is that the public will unwittingly do all the work for us while we stay safe and out of the line of fire.” The look of hopeful relief clear on her face as she dipped her chin in approval.

Xxx

With the advertising of a new musical display for the upcoming holidays (plus general tastes), the Weasleys saw their profits increase as people began buying the records, and staying to check out what else was available. In the Ministry, a number of those special songs were piped over the PA system as background music. Nearly everyone approved of the changes; incidentally, the change of voting practices began to take shape in the Wizengamot as the Lords and Ladies began casting their votes to pass certain measures designed to curb the excesses of the Death Eaters, and pass those that benefitted the muggleborns.

Amongst the Dark Lord’s Inner Circle, they too began noticing the swing of public perception but they were at a loss to explain it. Not even Voldemort himself, ever clued into the subtle messages being distributed in perfect Harmony.

For the love of Merlin, no…

1989, Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Amelia Bones’ office

A non-descript owl flew into Director Bones’ office, dropped a letter mid-flight, then winged its way out. After scanning the letter for suspect magic, she opened it and began to read.

Xxx

A day later…

Alastor Moody stood uncomfortably in the chill air near the loading docks dressed in the most ridiculous get-up, even by wizarding standards. His bright green curly wig made his head itch, the fake bosoms kept slipping out of position, and his thong underwear kept creeping up his bum.

He growled lowly Into his hidden comm badge, “Lass, you sure about this? I mean, what’s wrong with a simple disillusionment charm?” He heard a barely suppressed snort of laughter coming from the stack of crates across the way and shot off a dangerous glare.

“I’m just following the instructions, Alastor. If I ever want to get Susan back unharmed, you have to stand on the corner here at the docks wearing something outlandish while soliciting the workers otherwise she gets loaded up with caffeine and given a toy that makes an ungodly amount of noise.”

Alastor heaved a great sigh before locking eyes with an approaching sailor, “Hey, Honey; tuppence for a tumble?”

We’ve got a Harry situation here

A week before 3^rd year

Briallen Potter was relaxing on a lounge chair in the backyard getting some sun when she heard a crack of what sounded like thunder. Growling, she looked up to see how far away the Impending storm was when she noticed something strange.

There wasn’t a cloud in the sky…

“Odd,” she mused out loud but shrugged and went back to her tanning.

A few moments went by before she heard a hesitant, “Excuse me? Who are you and where are the Dursleys?”

Bri thumbed over her head towards the house, “They’re inside last I saw.” She turned her head and squinted at the stranger only to feel her mouth dropping open in shock.

Standing in front of her wearing what could only be ragged clothing that once belonged to a baby whale was a male version of herself! She sat up and stared in undisguised intrigue, ‘So this what I would look like as a boy. I’m cute.’

“Wow, you look me but as a boy,” Bri opened with. “I’m Briallen Jamie Potter.”

The boy waved distractedly, “Um, hi. I’m Harry James Potter, and I think we’ve got a problem.”

Xxx

Harry is shocked to learn that this universe’s Dursleys are warm and caring, Dudley isn’t a bully or a tub of lard, and this Briallen has a loving relationship with her guardians. She’s an upcoming student at Hogwarts, and in a serious relationship with Hermione Granger. The more he learns about this universe’s variation, the less he wants to go back even though he knows deep down he has to.

Now the quest is on to figure out how he’d been taken from his universe and why. In the meantime, this version of Hogwarts is going to have to get used two Potters.

It’s a Harry situation, indeed.

Payback’s a bitch, and I’m the son of one

3rd year, near Halloween

After Sirius got into the castle, he pondered which route he should take. 'Up to the tower to capture the rat, or deal with Albus first?' Figuring that the rat would be a simple snatch and vanish, he decided to tackle the hard job first. It took him several tries, but he finally managed to gain entry to Albus' quarters where he placed a clever, obscure, and fiendishly complex spell on the hideous robes the old bastard loved to wear.

Before leaving, Sirius looked back and sneered at the sleeping Headbastard, "For your crimes of ignoring me, Harry, and our plight; so too will everyone ignore you, you sanctimonious arse."

Xxx

Albus was not having a good day. True, since word had reached him that Sirius had escaped Azkaban along with the Minister's knee-jerk reaction by stationing Dementors around the school, life hadn't been pleasant but this took the cake.

No matter where he went or whom he tried to speak with, Albus had been resoundly ignored as if he wasn't standing in front of the person.

Xxx

A week went by before the paper had received an announcement from the DMLE that Sirius Black had turned himself and presented undeniable living proof that he didn't kill the posthumous hero Peter Pettigrew.

A second segment asked the public to contact the Ministry if they knew the whereabouts of Albus Dumbledore after he'd mysteriously disappeared, along with the rumors that he'd absconded with nearly half a million Galleons of school funds.

Xxx

Harry and Hermione watched in mute amusement later during the holiday break as Sirius tried his best to provide a muggle dinner in his new home, after swearing an oath that he would never step foot in his childhood home ever again.

"So did he ever explain what he did to the headmaster?" Hermione asked quietly as an aside.

Harry shook his head, "Nope, and as far as I know, no one has a clue as to where he disappeared off to either."

Hermione thought pensively for a moment, "Well, whatever happened; I'm sure the headmaster deserved it if the testimony stated in Sirius' trial is any indication. Payback's a bitch."

Chapter Text

What if they used a different word?

The canonical Dursleys always wanted to appear normal and respectable; especially in public. Both Vernon and Petunia knew that they'd never be able to get away with calling the Potter boy 'freak' without someone starting to wonder why.

To that end, they decided to use the word 'Stud' and just told Harry and Dudley that it meant the useless piece that no one had any use for. Both boys grew up hearing the adults use the term and seeing amused smiles on everyone's faces so they just naturally assumed that's what 'Stud' meant.

Harry's problems arose whenever he tried to explain how his relatives addressed him. He had a hard time trying to convince folks that they were being mean by implying that Harry was worthless. It wasn't until his first friend at Hogwarts (author chooses character) clues him in that the Dursleys have been lying to Harry about the word's meaning.

Harry and the Chocolate Frogs

Of all the merchandise created after Harry’s alleged take-down of Voldemort back in 81, why doesn’t he have his own Chocolate Frog card yet? I don’t think it’s a requirement for the person to be deceased since Albus has one already.

Can you imagine Harry buying a stack of Frogs from the Honeydukes Express lady during the first train ride and coming across one? Would it be a rare or exclusive card? I’d imagine it would freak him out a bit, wondering what the Hell is going on.

Come fifth year, I can see Hermione charming them instead of the fake Galleon coins to alert the DA members of important news. They’d be less likely to be mistaken for the real ones and accidentally spent.

Calming the Wolf

6^th year, Summer before school

During one of her many research projects, Hermione stumbles across a veterinarian paper that demonstrated a significant drop in aggressive tendencies in males wolves after being neutered.

Giggling in bemused horror, she writes a letter to Remus and sends him a copy of the study along with a message, “You always wanted a way to tame your wolf. Maybe this will help!”

Still snickering at the absurdity, she figured he and the others with him would get a laugh and that would be it.

How wrong she was…

Xxx

Three weeks later, she’s visiting Harry (against Dumbledore’s orders) when  beaming and eternally grateful Remus shows practically singing Hermione’s praises to the Heavens. "It worked! The procedure you recommended worked! My wolf is calm and has zero interest in wanting to infect others around him!”

Flabbergasted, Hermione stammered, “What…what are you talking about?”

He pulled out her letter to him and pointed to the research study, “This! Your suggestion to get neutered was genius. I’ve been telling everyone in the community about it.”

Hermione sat there utterly dumbfounded that Remus took her seriously. Harry hugged her, “If this doesn’t get you an Order of Merlin, I’ll leave the country and hand over the keys to Voldemort. Good job, Hermione.”

A Time and A Place

6^th year, Gryffindor common room

Harry and the others are quietly lounging at the end of another long day of classes. Hermione’s even stopped reading for once and lay draped across Harry’s lap while he gently carded his fingers through her hair.

Neville shifted in his chair, “Well, aren’t we just a big ball of raucous fun?”

Ginny chuckled as she continued with her attempts to show she’s as good of a knitter as her mum and not the quintessential tomboy she presented herself as, “I heard a joke earlier in the locker room today.”

Hermione groaned, “Here we go. If it’s the one you told Luna at dinner, I still think you need to work on your public image.”

“Now I’ve GOT to hear this, if Hermione’s complaints are any indication,” Harry quipped.

Ginny put down her yarn monstrosity and cleared her throat, “OK, what is 6.9?” At the boys’ confused looks (and Hermione’s rolled eyes), she delivered the punchline, “A good thing ruined by a period.”

A moment of silence that was broken by Neville and Harry groaning and making retching noises.

Harry was shaking his head and waving his hands, “A time and a place, Gin. This wasn’t it. Merlin, I’m going to have nightmares and Hermione, you can forget about getting any of that for the foreseeable future.”

Hermione scowled and waggled her fist at Ginny, “I’ll get you back for that, Weasley.”

The unrepentant smirk on the redhead’s face was clear. “Six older brothers, Granger. Bring it on, if you dare.”

Honest, it’s Serious Black!

5th year, Ministry Atrium and word spread like wildfire that Serious Black was spotted near the Floo Portals!

Aurors, reporters, heck pretty much everyone raced up to witness the capture of the notorious escapee. What they got was Harry standing behind a booth demonstrating a new color that had been developed by the proprietors of Weasley Wizarding Wheezes.

"Come and see the latest in Color Technology! Weasley Wizarding Wheezes is proud to present the all-new 'Serious Black!' Guaranteed to absorb up to 98.5% of light for those must-attend Goth parties!"

Jaws dropped and looks of pained realization bloomed on everyone's faces as they realized they'd been duped by a simple play on words.

Lightsabers versus wands; Magic versus The Force (observation)

Has anyone thought how combat would play out if someone knew how to wield a lightsaber from the Star Wars franchise? Would they be able to block or deflect spells, including the Unforgivables? Could a wand be grafted or incorporated into the hilt of a lightsaber so the wielder could return fire?

Additionally, has anyone thought about the similarities between wandless magic and The Force? Could someone from either side be taught the other's abilities? Frankly, I'd love to pit Voldemort against Vader and see who lasts the longest.

If all that were possible, can you imagine what the Final Battles on both sides would look like?

The Council of Lunas

(Credit: Story_collector, regarding chapter 3 of HPAS:PoA)

Your multiverse is starting to feel a little Marvel. I’m looking forward to see your Illuminati: The Counsel of Lunas. I’m envisioning a scene that’s a mix of the Illuminati from “Multiverse of Madness” and The Counsel of Kang from “Quantumania”

An angelic Luna, a pixie Luna, a vampire luna, even a succubus Luna.

“We’ve gathered here to discuss the actions of Luna 5678-T and her excessive use of CUTENESS to seduce/befriend two variance of Harry Potter and a Hermione Granger with a possible second variant to appear. We fear that Luna 5678-T may also be communing with Luna 2558-P for the purpose of spreading Harmony through the multiverse!”

The Dress

(Created by Roger Myers):

I had this idea sort of come along after thinking about Kevin Finkel gold lame dress idea. I cannot draw to save my life and couldn’t find anything close enough to this so anyhow. So will just attach a picture of Emma Watson from an event earlier In the year. (KF – I’ll see what I can make from Roger’s description.)

***

Hermione fidgeted in place as Lavender and Parvati circled around her. They had heard she had turned down Viktor Krum to go to the Yule Ball with Harry Potter. When she showed them her dress she had been immediately accosted, undressed and placed on a large box in the middle of the dorm. Both girls circling her like hungry wolves appraising her. They were chatting rapidly back and forth with words like tonal palette, vibrancy and texture mapping being some of the things Hermione was not certain about. Each time she tried to step down one or the other girl glared at her and so she was standing fuming at how the two of them were ignoring her protests.

Finally both girls seemed to come to a consensus and turned to Hermione with identical broad, eager, Stepford smiles. Hermione was not sure what to think.

***

Harry was nervously pacing as he waited for Hermione. He was glad that little blonde Ravenclaw had suggested he ask her out sooner but he was also having second thoughts as he wondered if his lunch would stay down. He was so nervous he had almost bolted back to his dorm to hide under his bed.

Ron’s gasp as he stared upwards caused harry to turn around. Harry could see why Ron gasped.

Hermione was slowly gliding down the stairs in a silvery blue dress that looked like someone had dyed mercury and poured it over her.

It was tightly clinging to her her upper body, pushing and lifting her bosom into a valley deeper than the one the castle sat within. The dress had a very loose lace netting in a heart shape over that cleavage that concealed then revealed as she moved. The neckline was a choker with the Gryffindor crest in the hollow of her throat.

A short royal blue half cape hung off of her right shoulder and swept around to her left sleeve which ended with a half glove exposing the fingers of that hand. Her right hand and arm was bare all the way to her shoulder. Below her bosom the bodice flared out at her waist whichh was adorned with a coral pink belt and gold beltline.

From the bottom of the bodice shimmered a curtain of ocean that started solidly opaque hiding her and becoming more translucent the further down her legs it went. Her shoes looked like solidified ice as they sparkled and glittered under the torchlight.

Harry’s eyes finally rose to her face as she smiled at him. Her brilliant white teeth framed by deep crimson lips, only the slightest hint of coral blush adorned her cheeks although her hair had a net of silver and diamonds sparkling in it as it swept from her left shoulder over her right one in a cascade.

She walked up to him holding her hand out. Harry looked at the hand for a moment before something in his brain finally re-engaged and he took it. Stepping beside her he slid her arm into his and slowly led her into the Great Hall.

Parvati stepped up to Ron and was ignored as he stood staring. She smacked him across the back of the head and growled, “You had your chance and you flubbed it.” Before she took Lavender’s arm and the two girls gracefully entered the hall.

The Second Dress

(Created by Roger Myers as a prompt for one of my fashion drawings)

Harry leaned against the wall in the Gryffindor common room waiting for Hermione to come down for their day in Hogsmeade. Ever since their fourth year and the Yule ball they had been together. An even better result of that night was Hermione allowed Lavender and Parvati to dress her occasionally in new styles and designs they came up with.

As today was a bright, sunny fall day in Scotland, with the temperature actually relatively warm still, he wondered how they would dress Hermione for this outing. Ron was already in Hogsmeade with his girlfriend Hannah Abbott. A nice quiet girl who would make him a good housewife it was universally considered. Neville and Luna were off hunting Nargles, although considering how both of them came back giggling and smiling every time they went on one of those hunts it wasn't Nargles they found.

Lavender came up and kissed him on the cheek lightly, “Hey lover boy. You ready to see the latest?”

Harry grinned broadly. Lavender and Parvati were quite the team in more ways than one so nodded eagerly. “Ready when you are.

Lavender whistled brightly and a moment later. Hermione began to descend the steps.

First Harry saw her feet in brown Roman sandals laced over her calves. Her coral pink toenails perfectly pedicured. Then a bright crimson and gold trimmed skirt with the Gryffindor shield just above her left thigh. The hem reached just above her knees so she was careful to take each step to keep things hidden. A solid black belt with a small oval shield bearing the Potter family crest was around the low waist of the skirt.

When she reached the landing he took a sharp intake of breath as the rest of her outfit was a dark blue, skin-tight body suit. The entire center of which was a translucent diamond shaped panel. It ran from just between her bosom to an inch or so bellow her belly button and side to side at its widest. Each hip had a large semi-circle of the same translucent material exposed above the skirt's belt.

The crimson choker around her neck had a cameo in pearl on obsidian framed in gold sitting in the hollow. Her lips today were a subtle shade of melon, after Umbridge all three girls had agreed bright pink was not going to be in their color palette. Her hair, that she had grown out to her shoulder blades, was tied back in a single plait and a pearl barrette nestled in the end. Her manicured nails were a matching shade of coral as her toes as she held her hand out to him. The gold betrothal ring glistening in the light through the window.

“So? Did we do good?” Parvati inquired with a grin.

“Well when you have such excellent material to work with how can you fail?” Harry replied. His breath still taken by Hermione's dark chocolate eyes looking into his.

The Third Dress

(Created by Yvette Maxwell in response to a fashion prompt trend I started)

Harry waited in the Floo room for Hermione, resisting the urge to check the time. In the four years since the Battle of Hogwarts, he, Hermione, and the other people who made notable contributions in the battle-such as Neville Longbottom and his wife, Luna Lovegood-Longbottom, had been invited to so many balls and galas Harry had lost count. Most of their friends had gone on to careers that others had expected them to do, such as Neville studying for a Mastery in Herbology, Harry himself becoming an Auror, among others, so it was no surprise given the unique way she could see patterns and things that fit together in a way no one expected, that Luna had gone into fashion design, and Hermione had asked Luna to come up with a gown for her to wear for tonight's event.

When Harry first saw Hermione,  for a moment he forgot to breathe. The gown she was wearing was fitted through the torso, with loose sleeves that looked layered from some kind of translucent material of different lengths, ending in a point just above Hermione's elbow. The fitted bodice covering her torso looked like it had been gathered near her hips to fall in a multi-layered skirt, with each lower layer being slightly longer than the one above it, allowing all of the layers to be seen at the same time until the skirt reached the floor, as well as having small pearls and other semi precious stones being attached to the bottom of each layer. But what Harry noticed the most was the COLORS used in the dress.

The sleeves, as well as the top three inches of the bodice at the shoulders, were white at the top, then the white seemed to blur somehow into a deep crimson red, which continued to midway down the sleeves, faithfully repeated in the bodice of the dress, before blurring into a golden yellow orange for an inch or two when the golden yellow lost the orange hue. But the skirt of the dress continued the theme of one color fading or blurring into another, when the golden yellow at the bottom of the bodice was picked up in the skirt to blur into a blue similar to the shade Hermione had worn at the Yule Ball in fourth year, which Hermione had called 'periwinkle'.

Midway down the skirt, which he only now noticed gave the impression of something one of the female characters in one of those historical romances Hermione loved would wear, as the skirt gave the slight impression of a bell, the skirt went from the periwinkle blue to blur into a deeper blue, similar to the cobalt blue dress robes he had to get made for official functions at the Ministry. But the final color in the skirt, beginning two or three inches from the hem, was so deep a blue it looked like a mix of blue and purple.

Hermione walked over to Harry, who still hadn't spoken, and took his hand. "This is the dress you asked Luna to design for you?" He croaked.

"Yes. I told her I'm the most relaxed at sunset, and asked her to see if she could come up with a dress that when people saw it, it would make them think of a relaxing sunset at the end of a long day. Did she do well? Do you like it?"

"I think Luna earned herself a bonus for the incredible beauty of the dress and the colors used. It makes you look more like you than anything I've seen you wear. I love it."

The 2023 Ministry Spring Gala (or How Harry’s Mind Threw A Rod)

Post war, Ministry Spring Gala

Harry waited off to the side for Hermione to arrive. She said that she was just putting on the finishing touches to her outfit. He jokingly had said that it didn't matter what she wore, he'd still be looking at her slack-jawed and drooling with lust in his eyes.

Luna Lovegood-Longbottom smiled at him as she stepped around the bulky form of some self-important stuffed shirt. "You're looking dashing, Harry."

He bowed graciously, "Thank you, Mrs. Longbottom. Have you seen Hermione yet?" He handed her a glass of bubbly.

A dreamy smile slid across her face as she pointed off to the Apparation Zone, "I do believe that she has arrived." Harry turned and felt his jaw swing open at the sight of the heavenly vision striding across the Atrium floor, the other guests parting before her like the wake of a ship.

Everything about her seemed to exude subtle grace and power. She may have been the brains of the Golden Trio, but there was no doubting her obvious beauty tonight.

Hermione joined them and beamed at Harry who just stood there gurgling. "I think you broke him," Luna dryly commented as she sipped her glass of butterbeer. 

Chapter Text

New Azkaban Prison Premiere

Year 2030; Ministry Gala to celebrate the opening of the New Azkaban Prison.

Hermione looped her arm through Harry's as they made their way through an appreciative crowd of dignitaries, Ministry officials, the press, and old friends. She caught the strained look on his face and whispered in his ear, "Relax Harry; you knew this was going to happen thanks to our research into long-duration enchanted sleep."

Harry bobbled his head somewhat and waggled his hand, "Sort of. I knew there'd be a spectacle, but I never once thought I'd be dragged into the middle of it all. I think this is worse than when I defeated Voldemort."

Neville appeared with Luna at his side and greeted the pair, "Quite the party, wouldn't you agree?" Harry shot him a dirty look which went un-commented on.

Hermione smiled supportively, "It is, but despite Harry's grumbling, it's entirely necessary. No more will the citizens of Magical Britain have to live in fear of a potential prison break every time some nascent Dark Lord pops their head up and goes looking for minions. Costs will drop since the prisoners no longer need daily food or water, medical treatment for injuries usually sustained under the old system, and best of all, none of the prisoners will have time to formulate an escape."

Neville and Luna nodded their heads sagely. "Just an application of the Draught of Living Death, and it's off to dreamland, right?"

Hermione agreed, "Exactly. It's a shame that this method wasn't in place ages ago. We could've dealt with Voldemort and his Death Eaters quickly and easily. Even Dumbledore wouldn't be able to complain."

Harry snorted derisively, "Yeah, that's because he'd be in a pod alongside them. The cruel, heartless bastard he is."

Gently rubbing his arm comfortably, Hermione again whispered a bit of encouragement into his ear. Neville noticed that whatever it was she said, was enough to get his best friend to grin goofily and relax. He shared a knowing look with Luna who also sported that same look and gulped noisily, "Uh..."

Luna took him by the hand, gave him a saucy wink, and sultrily replied, "Come along, Neville. I want to play my favorite game of 'Warden Neville and the Escaped Prisoner.'"

The Dihydrogen Monoxide Conspiracy

Hermione approached the Gossip Twins, aka Lavender and Parvati, one day with a growing concern of hers.

“Ladies, I’m worried that the Ministry is forcing us to ingest copious amounts of a chemical called dihydrogen monoxide. You might want to alert everyone to be on the lookout.”

Parvati scrambled to grab her notebook while Lavender questioned her further. “What does it look like? Smell like? You know, the important stuff?”

Hermione waved her hands in a thoughtful way, “Well, it’s normally odorless, colorless, and tasteless unless mixed with another compound. Oh, and it’s usually found in liquid form.”

“Why do you think the Ministry is forcing this upon us?” Parvati wanted to know.

Hermione shrugged, “No idea. I think it’s a plot to destabilize Dumbledore’s grip on Hogwarts, but frankly, it’s anyone’s guess.” She looked pensive, “Since it’s normally found in liquid form, I would suggest that people refrain from eating or drinking anything for at least a week and if they do eat something, make sure they only eat dry foods like toast or other breads, meats might work come to think on it…” she trailed off uncertainly. “But definitely don’t drink anything and be especially careful about bathing!”

Xxx

A week passed since Hermione had delivered her information to the two girls. Speculation was running rampant and no one could point to anything definitive. Hermione was curled up on Harry’s lap while smugly smirking at him and the Weasley Twins, “So what do you both say? You ready to capitulate and admit that when it comes to subtle minds tricks; you just can’t compare to my superior intellect?”

Harry sighed and held her a bit closer, “I never had any doubt. How could I? After all, you share a dorm with those two; you know exactly what to say and how to say it to get the maximum effect.”

Fred and George were cracking up. George stated with a twinkle in his eyes, “We bow before your wisdom, Miss Granger. I just hope that when everyone figures out they’ve been duped, it'll just flow like water off a duck’s back.”

Playtime with Luna

Luna threw herself dramatically between Harry and Hermione, “You can’t have this one!”

Harry scoffed. He knew where this was going. He picked her up and resettled her in her playpen, “When you stop acting like a spoiled baby, you can rejoin the group.”

Luna pouted cutely, “And if I don’t, will you give me a spanking?” She turned and bent over seductively, giving him a coquettish look.

Hermione grunted, “I thought we agreed that this sort of play was just between you and I, Luna.”

Luna turned her luminous eyes onto her girlfriend and gave them both a Mona Lisa smirk, “I make you scream, he makes me scream; we all scream as we get to cream.”

The Things We Do For Love

When Ron found out about Harry’s side project, he nearly pissed his pants from laughing so hard. “So I’m guessing that you are going to be the one to stay home raising the kids, clean the house, and do the nappy changes since Hermy’s gotta get up and head into the office for that big muckety-muck meeting with the muggles?” He brayed out laughing and slugged his friend on the shoulder. “Now I know what to get you for your next birthday! Do you have a preference if the apron has a flower print on it?”

The other boys in their dorm had varying reactions when they learned of his efforts.

Dean clapped him jovially on the shoulder, “Don’t get worked up about it, mate. Just let us know if you want to start up a circle, okay?”

Seamus winked at him and whispered mischievously, “It should be interesting to see who can churn out the baby booties better.”

Neville on the other hand, was impressed. “It takes quite a bit of skill and dexterity to do that, Harry. I work with plants and I’m good at it because I do what I can to learn how to interact with them. This is you learning something new to interact better with Hermione.”

The boys in his dorm weren’t the only ones to give him a hassle, lighthearted or otherwise. It had even gotten to the point where he couldn’t traverse the halls without some girl giving him suggestions, or the boys demanding he turn in his ‘male card’ for a shawl and granny glasses.

Xxx

After the better part of three months, Harry was finally able to show off his hard-earned efforts. He’d endured the teasing and whispers from the other students with all the aplomb he’d shown since his reintroduction to the magical world at the age of eleven. On weekends, he ventured into Hogsmeade to join the local ‘Knitters Klub’ to learn some creative stitch patterns, ask questions, and find out where he went wrong on certain points. He even suffered quietly when Molly surprised everyone by visiting unannounced and condescendingly told him it was unseemly for boy such as him to be doing household domestic work. She tried to take his knitting away and shoo him outside. “You should be outside doing proper work for a young man. I’ll just instruct Ginny to take over for you like she should’ve been doing all along as your future wife. Oh, the two of you will be such wonderful parents!”

It took the repeated volley of stinging hexes and loud, angry verbal warnings to stay away from Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall to chase the harrid’n out of the castle. She returned his belongings to Harry, “I’m proud of your efforts, Mr. Potter. Your mother was a talented knitter as well.”

Xxx

At long last, his project was done and ready for viewing. Hermione marveled at the tight and tiny stitches to the large blanket he’d presented her with. She looked up at her nervously shuffling best friend. “I love it Harry. I’m proud of you, but you didn’t need to hire one of the elves to make this.

Harry let out a sigh of relief at first then a sharp snort of laughter, “Hermione, I made this with my own two hands. Every stitch was carefully planned and knitted. I made it for both of us to use this when it's too cold to go outside. I asked Professor Flitwick to teach me some of the advanced charmwork so I could include a couple of space-expanded pockets to hold the extra books that you and I both know you have been meaning to get around to reading.” He pulled her onto the couch with him and draped the blanket over the pair of them. She squeaked in joyous wonder when tiny twinkling lights appeared like stars. Harry smiled, “For those times when you want to read but don’t want to wake your roommates.”

Hermione sighed happily and snuggled in. Harry returned the hug and warmly thought to himself, ‘The things we do for love.’

The Next Generation of Pranksters

1 September 2011; Hogwarts Express heading north

Four identical sets of heads rose at the sound of their compartment door opening to let a tousled redheaded girl with an easy-going smile peek into the room, “Hi! Got room for another?” There were no objections so she settled in next to a set of identical twin girls. “My name’s Harper Weasley. What’re yours?”

The first set of twins greeted her, “I’m Briallen Jamie Potter and this is my twin sister Mia Holly.”

The twin boys greeted her next, “I’m James Daniel Potter and this is my brother Henry William.”

Harper’s mouth had dropped open in surprise, as she flicked her finger between them all, “Both sets of parents are the same?” The quartet bobbed their heads in synchronization. “Wow, that’s amazing! I wonder why my parents never mentioned you.”

Briallen shifted uncomfortably, “We heard that your parents and ours don’t get along all that well.”

Harper sneered, “Ah, yes. Probably because of Uncle Ronald. Even mum and dad barely tolerate him. He’s only invited to the big Weasley gatherings from what I heard and even then no one other than grandma goes near him.”

James cocked his head curiously, “So which Weasley are you related to?”

Harper regained her cheer, “George and Angelina Weasley. Dad used to have a twin brother just like you two, but he died in the war. Hey, since we all now know that I’m not from the ‘bad Weasley,’ do you think we could be friends?”

The Potter Four held a silent conversation as only quadruplets could do before simultaneously facing with their hands outstretched, “We welcome Harper Weasley into our cadre. Friends are always valued.”

Harper shook each of their hands then grinned with a leading look, “Say, you wouldn’t happen to be interested in pulling a prank on some of the others would you?”

Mia Holly returned Harper’s grin with a calculating one of her own and a twinkle in her eyes as she pulled out a well-used notebook and pen, “We’ve been known to do a few humorous tricks from time to time.”

Up at the castle, Headmistress McGonagall suddenly shivered in dread…

The First Stirrings: A History of Potions

Severus Snape started writing a book back when he was a 4th year at Hogwarts. In it, the book chronicled the history of how the art of potioneering developed from the accidental inclusion of leaves, roots, and fruits in the early diets to that first curious mind who took the time to investigate the how and why certain ingredients needed to be prepared a special way to make the potion effective.

By the time he reached his 6th year, it was complete and ready to be published. One day in Diagon Alley, he saw his book stacked up in the window display of Flourish and Blotts for the latest releases. His pride grew even more when he caught Lily Evans perusing a copy.

Lily jumped when she heard Severus' voice approaching from behind. "So what do you think of the book?"

She gave him a thin smile, "I like it. It covers aspects of history we never learn from Binns, and does it in a way that's not dry and boring like his classes. Why? Are you thinking of getting a copy?"

Severus extracted a pen and motioned to her copy, "No need. I wrote it. Would you like to have the first autograph?"

Lily stood there in open-mouthed surprise before returning to her wits, "You wrote this? When?" She handed over the book for him to sign.

"I started fourth year and didn't send it to the publisher until late last year." He finished signing the cover page with a small flourish and handed it back.

Lily now gave him a shy smile and whispered something that made his heart soar. "I'm proud of you, Sev."

Xxx

If things had gone differently, by the time that the class of 78 graduated, Severus Snape would've been a full-fledged member of the Death Eaters. However, thanks to Lily’s encouragement and praise on that sunny afternoon, his life would be forever altered. Now, he was scheduled for book signings up and down the continent while researching for his newest book. It was high-time someone updated the Advanced Potion-making textbook for Hogwarts...

Hermione’s bedroom

Harry looked around the house while Hermione gathered some supplies before they set out to the Burrow for Bill and Fleur’s wedding and the planned Horcrux Hunt. He entered a bedroom that could only be Hermione’s. There was an entire wall dedicated to storing books with the bed pushed up underneath it and alongside a large window that let in copious amounts of natural sunlight. A window ledge held a collection of ceramic pots and figurines.

The whole room just seemed to exude the feeling of countless literary adventures from the girl’s childhood. He smiled at the sight of academic trophies, photos of her and her parents at various locations during their vacations. Harry idly picked up a stuffed floppy bunny from the bed.

“Harry?” He turned at the sound of Hermione’s voice. She stood in the doorway with a curious look on her face, holding their supplies. “What are you doing?”

He gently packed the bunny In their supply bag and gave her a small kiss on the cheek, “Just remembering why we’re fighting.”

Using their own laws against them

Owing to the lethargy of any governmental bureaucracy when it came to reversing decisions; Harry grills Remus on what sort of hoops he and his parents had to jump through after Greyback infected him. At first confused by the 'interrogation,' Remus was soon eagerly helping his pseudo-nephew and his friends plan to infiltrate the Ministry Department of Records to alter the files of certain individuals.

Xxx

It didn't take long after they finished including the falsified medical documents stating that certain (author choice) Heads of Families, Department Heads, Dolores Umbridge, and Severus Snape were in fact werewolves, a vampire, and an escaped half-breed creature clearly in violation of the Ban of Experimental Breeding before the notices went out to the relevant authorities. Gringotts was only too happy to assist by shutting down the access to personal and family vaults. Those employed by the Ministry or by international companies began issuing out termination letters. Hogwarts automatically began rescinding offers of continued education.

The DMLE and the Department of the Control of Magical Beasts were issued arrest and seizure orders. There was nothing that could be done owing to all the Creature Laws they'd passed over the years. It would take months for everything to be settled.

All in all, it was utter chaos.

Xxx

Harry was cuddled up with Hermione one evening at Grimmauld Place with Remus and Tonks visiting one relaxing afternoon while all around them the Dark side was tearing itself apart. Remus wistfully remarked that he wished Sirius could've been here to enjoy the fruits of their 'dastardly plan.' Harry raised his bottle of Butterbeer in salute, "To Sirius Orion Black; Long may his legacy of chaos reign supreme!"

The others joined in with their own salutation. In another realm, Sirius looked with proud tears in his eyes as he was joined by James and Lily Potter. He whispered back to the touching scene, "Mischief Managed."

How might’ve the relationship between Severus and Harry changed if this happened instead? (Observation)

4th year, Harry was in Potions class when Colin came to retrieve him for the Weighing of the Wands ceremony.

What if, instead of following the younger boy, Harry refused to go and blithely stated, "Do the organizers really expect me to risk the wrath of Professor Snape for a simple meet and greet to prove that my wand is working? I *know* my wand is working, otherwise I would not be able to participate in my classes. Colin, go back and inform those idiots in charge that I will not leave this class until my scheduled time."

I think his declaration would confuse the Hell out of Severus and rest of the Slytherins, throwing all of their plots, plans, etc; right out the window and force them to re-evaluate whether or not Harry really *did* enter his name into the Goblet, if this is his behavior.

Fluffing up introductions (observation)

You know what would be funny? The tradition holds that when introducing yourself, to include all of the family names you're associated with (ex. Harry James Potter-Black-Peverell....)

What if just for laughs, Harry and the other non-magically raised started tacking on other important-sounding yet utterly nonsensical names?

(Ex. Harry James Potter-Black-Peverell-Spiderman-Stark-Holmes)

Why? If Albus Dumbledore can get away with adding middle names just to fluff up his own hubristic image, why can't they?

Fidelius and Muggle Tech (observation)

Do you suppose that one of the reasons why magical are so apprehensive around muggle tech is because it's able to see past their enchantments? Because the cameras aren't alive, the Fidelius and other illusion charms doesn't work on them.

I have this theory that London's legendary surveillance system has all of the known magical communities (Diagon Alley, Grimmauld Place, the Ministry's various entrances, etc) under constant watch since its inception in the 1960s and the Commissioner will occasionally send in video and stills of certain individuals who blatantly disregard magical security procedures for mingling with the muggles.

'Once again, I am forced to remind you and your brethren. We are watching you.'

The magicals have learned that those camera housings are to be left alone since what's been recorded isn't actually stored there.

Jiggling and Giggling, the best medicine is laughter

Post-war; Harry and Hermione have had twin boys.

Harry stepped out of the floo after a long day working at Weasley Wizarding Wheezes as their bookkeeper. Rather than going straight into becoming an Auror like most everyone thought he would, Harry instead joined up with George to bring some desperately needed cheer back to Magical Britain.

Sighing, he hung his coat up on the rack and called out, "Hermione? I'm home."

"We're in the bedroom, Harry!" Hermione’s voice floated back. "You've got to see this."

Curious, he headed over in her direction. As he approached, he could hear the boys giggling in a strange manner. Harry took one look at the sight of his boys jiggling and giggling and burst out laughing, the weight of the day falling away. He wrapped his arm around his wife's waist and kissed her, "Thanks, Hermione; you made my day."

https://youtu.be/C4_XDEpGf4M?si=z62hkIObABN130m3

Sweating to the Magical Oldies

Summer before 3^rd year; The Burrow

Rather than run out of the Dursleys after blowing up Marge and eventually end up at the Leaky, Harry went to the Weasleys. From there, he got through to Hermione who brought with her some modern muggle stuff after learning that Arthur had managed to obtain and get working, a television set. “So how old is the set, Harry?” She asked her best friend while she was packing for the trip in her living room. Harry’s head was floating in her fireplace which had been temporarily connected to the Floo Network.

“It’s actually fairly modern. It even has a built-in VCR.”

“Really? That’s handy. I can bring some cassettes with me.” She chirped excitedly.

Hermione arrived at the Burrow and got settled in. During that time, she showed off the collection of tapes she’d brought with her. “I thought we could try out a couple of the simpler shows first. But before I do that, I’d like your permission to get setup so I can do my exercises.”

Curious, Molly agreed and followed her into the living room to watch. Ginny arrived later and joined her mum in watching in interest at the aerobic exercises Hermione was doing to keep fit. “Is this why you’re able to keep up with Harry and Ron?”

“Uh-huh,” Hermione huffed as she worked through the routine. “I’d wager…that this…whew, would help you with Quidditch too…”

The next day Hermione, Molly, and Ginny; the latter two feeling a bit out of sorts thanks to the transfigured aerobic outfits they’d copied from Hermione’s, all three lined up and began the basics of learning the importance of stretching followed by a few minutes of jogging in place.

When the males found out about what the womenfolk were up to, the twins thought it was a hoot (until they were pressured into joining.) Ron vanished up to his room, determined to stay out of whatever they were doing. Harry and Arthur however, joined. Hermione hit the play button to her portable stereo and turned up the volume on Sir Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man.’

Soon, they were all sweating to the oldies…

Tempting the Three Fates

5^th year; Hogwarts

Early on, Harry had figured out that the phrase, ‘Can this day get any_____?’ usually followed with something occurring just like he’d wondered about. As a test and demonstration to the others, he'd asked, "Can this day get any goofier?” A moment later, Draco and his two bodyguards waddled past wearing duck-shaped inflatable inner tubes.

Armed with this knowledge, Harry’s friends spread out to think of some utterly bizarre requests. Lavender had asked, “Can this day get any fuzzier?” She was almost ‘trampled’ by a marauding herd of kittens.

Neville had gone with something plant-based and found himself surrounded by a veritable forest of ferns.

It was Luna who took the cake, quite literally when she inquired guilelessly, “Can this day get any Crumple-horned Snorkackier?”

At first nothing happened until there was a flash of light as the Three Fates appeared before her with frowns on their faces, “We have no knowledge of this creature. This should be impossible. Please describe this creature.”

The last anyone saw of the mythical deities was of them being led off towards the creature paddocks by an enigmatically smiling Luna expounding on the known traits of the mysterious Snorkack, Wrackspurts, and Nargles.

Popular Magics magazine (observation)

Why didn't we see more students reading magazines other than Quidditch Monthly (Weekly?)

Background: The magazine, Popular Science began in 1872 as "The Popular Science Monthly". In 1902, Popular Mechanics was first published.

In all that time, you would think some enterprising muggleborn would think to start a Popular Magics magazine. It would cover the latest and greatest of magical spells and potions, a breakdown how the Arithmancy of the magic, have several different columns and articles like one for the budding spellcrafter or potioneer, and more.

Healing Daddy

4 year old Briallen Potter saw her daddy lying in bed with an ice pack on his head. She knew, even with her limited experience, that daddy was sick. Briallen decided right then and there that she was going to heal her daddy!

She clambered to her feet and toddled down the hallway to her playroom where her favorite toys were. She lifted the lid to her toychest and rummaged around until she located her favorite stuffed animal (an otter) and her baggie of Legos, plus a couple of brightly colored books from her shelves. As a last-minute addition, she pulled her blanket from the bed and carried her collection back to where her daddy was.

===

Harry lay in bed feeling like garbage. He had a temperature of 101° (F) and a headache. Hermione was busy in the kitchen and he distantly wondered where their daughter was. He felt Briallen’s tiny hand tugging on his covers and looked down to see her worried face. He noted the stuff in her arms. “Whatcha got there, Munchkin?”

“It for you cuz you sick,” she replied as she pushed her collection into his hands then scampered off again.

===

When she returned, Harry spotted her ever-so-carefully carrying a plastic cup in both hands; the contents occasionally sloshing around and making her pause. Bringing up the rear was a amusedly smiling Hermione whose face broke into a wide grin at the sight of him surrounded by Briallen’s toys.

Briallen proud at being able to carry the cup all the way from the kitchen without spilling a drop, handed over the cup of juice and ‘ordered’ her daddy, “You get better now.”

Harry obediently took the cup and drank it down and handed it back. “Thank you, Healer Potter. I will get better now thanks to you.”

Chapter Text

Have Gun, Defend the Castle

Starts 5th year; becomes a common sight in 6th

"Whatcha got there, Hermione?" Dean asked as he joined Harry and Hermione on the couch.

Hermione didn't look up from the glossy magazine she was reading. "I'm looking to make an investment in order to protect myself more effectively than carrying around a wand." She pointed to something on a page, "Is this the one you were talking about, Harry?"

Dean leant over to see what the other two were discussing and felt his mouth drop open. Potter and Granger were discussing buying guns! "Uh, doesn't this violate some rule or something?"

Harry shook his head, "Nope. We checked and personal weaponry is still legal while in Hogwarts or anywhere within the territory of Magical Britain. Granted, that law was written during the era when swords were used, but nowhere in the legislation does it specifically describe a 'personal weapon' as being restricted to just a sword. Given the darkening political climate, I'd highly recommend you think about defending yourself with something other than a stick."

Dean frowned, "But I don't know anything about gun safety or how to use one."

Hermione smiled reassuringly, "That's not a problem. My uncle is a member of Her Majesty's Special Forces and also a wizard, so for the past couple of weeks he has been giving us lessons. I'll write to him and see if he's willing to take on a larger class."

===

By the time that the Second Blood War fully got underway, every single muggleborn 5th year and up were 'packing heat' courtesy of the Muggleborn Underground. The purebloods were confused by the new additions at first until they witnessed them in action. Seeing how fast a handgun (9mm = 20 rounds/sec) or rifle (modern = ~600-900 rounds/min) could be fired in comparison to a wand (~5-10 spells/sec) was enough to stay the hand of many aggressor (and reduce them to gibbering wrecks.) One benefit to having a military family member came when Hermione’s uncle offered to enchant and upgrade their weapons into using never-ending magazine clips, reduced recoil action, improved muzzle cooling, and noise suppression.

Albus tried to deny them their right to carry but was shot down, literally so. All it took was for one sixth year to calmly shoot out the eye of one of prancing unicorns a mere inch away from his body on his robes for him to have a change of heart (and underwear.)

When Snape and the Death Eaters took over the school, the Carrow Siblings were the first casualties to realize that the muggleborns weren't fooling around anymore. Severus wisely let them continue as they were.

During the Battle of Hogwarts, the Dark soon learned to fear the sight of a muggleborn silently moving through the hallways like a skilled predator holding a metal object or a long metal barrel. Those who sneered at the thought that the muggleborns could ever hope to defeat the purebloods were the first to fall.

Many ate Death that night...

Sir Hagrid-a-lot saves his bacon

(Looks suspiciously at my cup of coffee) Anyhow, this won't be one my usual length prompts, but...

I had this snort of an idea pop into my head while reading about Hagrid trying to make up to Olympe for insinuating that she must have giant blood in her.

"Olympe! Wait, I uh..." He frantically thought then brightened up as the lyrics to a muggle song he'd heard recently popped into his mind. "Olympe, I like big butts and I cannot lie;

My other brothers can't deny,

That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist, and a round thing in your face;

You get sprung, want to pull up tough

'Cause you noticed that butt was stuffed

Deep in the jeans she's wearing

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha

And take your picture

My homeboys tried to warn me

But that butt you got makes (me, me so horny)!!"

Olympe stood there in open-mouthed astonishment before breaking out in girlish giggles as she took him by the hand and led him back to the French Carriage, "Merci, Monsuir; allow me to help you take that picture..."

Study or Fail, Ron

Given Ron's unwillingness to do his own homework and constantly trying to get by with copying off Hermione’s work; it's a wonder why she didn't let him use a set that was filled with errors and omissions that would see him flunking out by the end of the first year.

She could've then taken Harry aside after they became friends and let him onto her secret.

"The whole point of coming here is to learn, right?" She asked him after explaining her reasoning for setting up the redheaded mouth-breather.

Harry gently laid his hand over hers and smiled comfortingly, "I understand and completely agree. I've been wanting to break free of him as well, but he's like a rash that won't go away. Maybe with him on academic probation, I'll be able to have a moment's peace and study."

I’m worried about Harry

Neville was worried about Harry. The 14 old raven-haired teen sat on the couch staring straight ahead, his eyes wide and slightly glassy. Harry's mouth was dangling open as if in the process of speaking, but the only sounds coming out were gurgling noises. His lips were twitching as if he was remembering something good.

Professor McGonagall was called for but she couldn't identify what the problem could have caused this behavior...at least until Hermione walked back into the common room dressed in her exercise clothes with a towel draped over shoulder. Harry's eyes immediately tracked her sashaying hips as she walked across the room then her bum as she climbed the stairs, he let out another happy gurgle.

Minerva shook her head at the display and muttered something about it must be Springtime in Potter-land. "I better get the Lord's Quarters ready. Merlin knows those two are gonna need it."

She’s Not My Baby, But I Wish She Was

1st year, Hogwarts Express heading north (Harry raised by his parents; Neville is the BWL)

Harry strode up through the aisle in the carriage looking for Neville Longbottom. The so-called ‘Boy Who Lived’ was supposed to hold a compartment for the two of them but he was nowhere to be found. Harry paused outside one compartment and muttered aloud, “If I was a plant-obsessed not-superhero, where would I sit?”

“Excuse me?” A feminine voice responded next to him. Turning, he spotted a bushy-haired girl holding a blanket-wrapped bundle in her arms. “Were you looking for Neville Longbottom?”

Harry nodded slowly, his eyes widening when he spotted the infant’s face peeking out. “Um, yeah…is this…yours?” He trailed off lamely.

The girl smiled down at the infant and repositioned her arms, “No, she’s my baby sister. I was holding her while my parents got my trunk onboard. The train got moving before I could hand her off. I’m hoping that there will be a responsible adult at the station who could call my parents and let them know everything is alright. I also hope they have a way to bring her back to them.”

Harry mutely agreed with her before introducing himself. The girl beamed at him and introduced herself as “Hermione Granger” and her baby sister “Ophelia Granger.”

By the time that the train reached the Hogsmeade station, gossip had spread that there was a firstie with a baby! It didn’t matter how many times poor Hermione had to explain that the baby was her sister; no one seemed to remember the ‘sister’ part and because Harry seemed to hover protectively (not that he realized it), everyone began assuming he was the father.

Harry surprised many by being able to calm the child, change her nappies, and feeding a bottle of milk; all while holding a conversation about the differences between the muggle and magical world. When asked how he knew what to do, he would shrug his shoulders and reply that he was the oldest of his two younger siblings and by rights should know what to do.

Hermione sagged with relief when she spotted her parents waiting for her at the station with their magical escort. Emma Granger held out her arms and took Ophelia back, “I’m so glad you’re both doing well. Was she much of a problem?”

Hermione shook her head, “No, she slept most of the way. She was fortunate that the trolley lady had a couple of bottles of milk for her to drink.”

Harry appeared next to her and gently took her hand to lead her away, “Come on, Hermione; Hagrid’s waiting for us.”

Waving excitedly, Hermione beamed her farewells to her parents as she allowed Harry to guide her away.

“Thank you, Harry for being such a wonderful not-dad today,” she complimented the green-eyed boy. Harry sighed fondly back in the direction of the platform, “She's not my baby, but I kinda wish she was."

Volde-mork and the Nanu-nanuuuuu

It's a good thing I'm at home and alone. My hysterical laughter would probably cause people to call the insane asylum.

I had this mental image come up of a couple of kids mishearing Voldie's name and trademarked spell and thinking it had something to do with a 1970s TV series featuring Robin Williams.

===

(Two nights after the Battle of Hogwarts; opposite side to the Forbidden Forest)

"I know what I heard," the muggle lad claimed to his friends as they gathered around a campfire in the Scottish Highland two days after the Battle of Hogwarts. "That bald-headed guy, Volde-mork or something, wearing a ridiculous looking bathrobe clearly said, 'Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived...come to die. Nanu-nanuuuuu!!'"

Luna the Lightweight

Crawley, West Sussex "The Pottery" 31 December 2023

Hermione puttered around the kitchen in her and Harry's flat the evening before New Year's in preparation for the festivities. She heard Harry thumping around in their bedroom and wondered yet again when he would learn to sit down when putting on his clothes instead of hopping around like a one-legged Skitzlinner.

"Blast it, Luna’s got me relating things to her bizarre creatures now too..." She grumbled as she put out the charcuterie board and began filling it with sliced meats.

===

The floo flared up an hour later as their guests started arriving. Harry greeted everyone as host and frowned when he noticed a missing face. He flagged Hermione down and quietly whispered, "Where's Luna?"

Eyes wide, Hermione surveyed the room but couldn't see their best friend. "No idea, you don't suppose she exited at the wrong gate?"

A pop preceeded a slight cough as Winky appeared. The elf had a bemused expression on her face, "Miss Luna be trying to act like the city's tree topper at the square."

Alarmed, both Harry and Hermione apparated to the city square where they spotted their clearly inebriated best friend swinging from the pole that supported the New Year's Ball.

They rushed over as Luna slid onto the ground with a hiccuping laugh, "Lairy -hic- Fights to -hic- you all!"

Harry gathered her up in his arms, groaning as she tousled his hair and snagged his glasses away, "Lesh ring in -hic- the New Year -hic- wif a bang! Herminny and I kin go firs... Harry kin watch!" She giggled through her drunkenness.

Hermione rolled her eyes as she spotted the half-empty bottle of Tequila. "How many times have we warned her about muggle alcohol, Harry?"

Harry snickered (Luna had since passed out in his arms), "Too many times. Just like with Butterbeer, our little Fae princess is a lightweight."

Foul Magic, Harry?

Post war, New Grimmauld Place's Library...

Hermione entered the library looking for her husband. The wards of the manor told her he was in this vicinity but after the renovations, it could've also meant the children's library too.

"Harry?" She called out to the room. She heard his reply coming from the left where the darker books resided. When she found him, she gave him a befuddled look, "What're you reading?"

Harry dragged his attention away from the pages, "Oh, hi. I found a book on all sorts of rituals you can do with a chicken."

A bewildered eyebrow rose, "Chicken? Rituals? What are you reading?"

Harry chuckled at her dazed expression, "I thought it'd be obvious, Hermione. It's a book of fowl magic."

Hermione’s New Uniform

Hogwarts, 3 weeks before 6th year...

Albus was sitting in his office getting ready for a new year when all of a sudden the castle's fire alarms started blaring. He rushed to the source and discovered a hidden room up on the Seventh floor with roaring flames billowing out. Once the suppression teams knocked out the blaze, he carefully ventured inside to see what triggered the conflagration.

By time he returned to his office, he was still unsure what caused the room to burst into flame. As he passed by the side table that held all of his trinkets, he idly took note that several had melted. He sat back down in his chair for only a moment before his brain caught up to what he'd seen. He rushed back to the table and stared in horror at the devices that kept track of Harry Potter and the condition of the Horcrux in his scar. Confused, he sifted through the remains while thinking, 'What happened?'

===

Diagon Alley, same time...

Harry opened his eyes to see a concerned crowd forming around him as Neville helped him sit up. Clutching his head, Harry could feel something dripping down from his forehead. He pulled his hand away to see it covered in some sort of sticky black ooze. "What happened, Neville?" He croaked woozily.

Neville shrugged helplessly, "No idea, but your scar sort of just...exploded when you spotted Hermione in her new school uniform."

Harry peered around the crowd, spotting his best female friend. He felt a goofy smile spread across his face. "Yeah...now I remember."

I’m a WHAT Animagus??!

Marauders era, 5th year

Sirius Black sat on the ground in preparation for the ritual that would allow him to take the form he'd been striving for ever since he and his friends took it upon themselves to become Animagi.

As the moon rose, Sirius could feel the transformation taking place. With a subtle pop, he opened his eyes to see the others sniggering and snorting in a valiant effort not to laugh out loud.

Confused, Sirius looked toward the mirror and felt his jaw swing open in horror. 'I'm a bloody bunny rabbit?!'

Next up was James who to his own horror turned into a Galapagos tortoise! Peter rolled around, chortling his amusement before hauling himself back to concentrate. Another pop saw his friends nearly die laughing for when Peter looked into the mirror, he saw he'd turned into a Pink Fairy Armadillo!

Now wondering where they went wrong, the trio changed back to their human forms only to be confronted by a wickedly grinning Hecate herself. "I'm sorry, but the opportunity to prank the three of you was too good to pass up. I am pleased with your drive and willingness to help out your friend in his time of need. You have my Blessing to succeed with your endeavors." She vanished from view.

Buoyed with hope, all three changed again a were relieved to find that Sirius was indeed a Grim Wolf, James was a Stag, and Peter was a Rat.

Chapter Text

Prompts and Promises; Drips and Drabs next chapter title: If You Can’t Handle the Craziness, Stay Out of the Prompts!

Harry Potter and the Muppets

In 1976, the Muppets debuted on British television and has delighted kids for generations. Now despite this, it's not surprising that only the muggleborns know about the show.

***

In a moment of sheer silliness, Hermione teases Harry and ends her joke with Fozzie Bear's famous tagline, "Wakka, Wakka, Wakka!" All magically-raised kids within earshot are confused by this new thing which leads to an impromptu Q&A session.

Before long, a new club has sprung up revolving around Sesame Street, the Muppet Show, and puppetry in general. It drives Severus up a wall after someone introduces the earwig song, 'Snape, Snape, Severus Snape, Dumbledore!' (Albus thinks it's hilarious, naturally.)

A couple of years later after Voldemort rose from the cauldron, he catches Crabbe Jr, Goyle, and Draco idly singing the Voldemort ending from 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise.' Confused, he demands to hear the song in its entirety. Weeks later, that damned song is still stuck in the Dark Lord's head, made all that much worse whenever he sees Severus and can't help mutter it under his breath, "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape...Dumbledore!"

The Lecture

Set 2^nd year, before Halloween

Neville was a preteen boy on a mission. He had searched high and low for Harry Potter in hopes of sharing some heirlooms the latter boy’s mum had left at Longbottom Hall.

As he wandered the hallway near the fourth floor, he came upon the sight of 1^st year Ravenclaw Luna Lovegood dancing to a song only she could hear. He stood there transfixed for a while intrigued by her grace and started when Luna spoke, “ You will find Hermione Granger and Harry Potter in the third classroom on the right hand side of the South Tower, Neville Longbottom.”

“Uh, thanks… Miss?” He stammered.

“Luna Lovegood, though many call me Loony.” Neville frowned at hearing this, and as he wanted to find Harry before anyone else did; he would have to put Luna’s issues on hold.

“Uh, thanks Miss Lovegood,” he smiled pleasantly.

“Just be warned, Neville Longbottom; Harry Potter is being punished for unspeakable crimes.”

Xxx

Neville did find Harry and Hermione right where Luna said they were. In fact, he could hear Hermione chattering away about something. He peeked inside where he spotted Harry bound to a chair looking on helplessly as their bushy-haired friend nattered on about the history of literacy and some interesting facts she’d read in a book for ‘light reading.’

“Harry?” Harry whirled his head around and pleaded with his eyes to get him out of there.

Hermione huffed at being interrupted and drew her wand. She hit Neville with a full-body bind and stuck him into another chair, “Hello, Neville; as punishment for interrupting Harry’s lesson on why it is never a good idea to dog ear a library book page, you get to join him in my lecture on how to properly care for books. Now repeat after me, ‘Books are our friends. Books must always be respected….”

Cockatrice ,anyone?

A cockatrice, according to the HP creature lore is described as a rooster with a lizard's tail.

Now, let's have a show of hands who believe the first thing that young 1st or 2nd year Fred and George Weasley would do after learning about this; they sneak out to Hagrid’s hut, 'borrow' a couple of roosters and glamorize them to look like the fearsome creatures...just for laughs.

The Typewriter

Harry presented Hermione with a gaily wrapped box for her 25^th birthday and sat back to watch her reaction. Hermione’s eyes grew large as she opened the box and gasped at the sight of the colored keys. “Harry…” she whispered, “Thank you, I’ve been looking for this for ages. Where’d you find it?”

Harry shrugged nonchalantly, “I actually did the modifications myself. I just swapped the typeset with the colored ink pads and matched them to the individual letters.”

Hermione’s eyes twinkled, “Now when I need to write a letter to the editor of the Daily Prophet, I can honestly say I’m using colorful language to express my disappointment with their ‘reporting.’”

Harry bobbed his head, “Remember when we used to send coded messages using artwork? If we had had this, it would’ve saved me so much effort.”

Hermione chuckled as she reached for a fresh piece of paper, “You want to test it?”

Harry quirked an eyebrow up. “If you’re planning on sending a letter to Luna, be prepared to lose ownership of the typewriter.”

Humming her agreement, Hermione typed out a simple message inviting their blonde friend over for dinner. “I guess you'll have to show me how to make one for her too, Professor Potter," she replied saucily.

Harry gulped yet smiled inwardly, "Best birthday present ever!"

(ref. Chromatic Typewriter on Google)

The Sorting Hat’s Prank

1 September, 1991...

"Potter, Harry."

Suserrations broke out from the audience in the Great Hall as everyone craned their necks to catch a glimpse of the Boy-Who-Lived. Harry gingerly sat down on the stool and allowed Minerva to drop the Sorting Hat upon his head. 30 seconds, a minute, the wait was interminable. Finally, the brim opened as the Hat bellowed, "Slytherin!"

Silence.

Harry turned to glance behind him, the Hat twisting around too; they both took in the surprised expression on Albus' face before the Headmaster blinked a few times and shook his head.

"Oh poo," the Hat groused. "I was sure that he'd have an aneurysm with that announcement."

Harry scanned the rest of the Hall's occupants and laughed, "Still, you managed to get everyone else's brains to throw a gear."

The Hat shared a chuckle, "I'll take it. Let's get you properly Sorted, shall we?"

"Hat?" Harry and Hat turned again to see the Headmaster had finally regained the power of speech. "Didn't I hear you sort Mr. Potter into Slytherin?"

The Hat let out a rumble of laughter, "I pranked you, Albus. You and the entire school. I wanted to see what would happen if the so-called 'celebrity' of Mr. Potter was sorted into the House that Slytherin built. Judging by the looks of shock and horror on everyone's faces, I'd say it was pretty successful."

"So did we get Potter?" One of the Weasley Twins yelled out.

The Hat opened its mouth once more, "Mr. Potter shares many of the same qualities that each Founder looked for in their students. Cunning, bravery, intelligence, and loyalty. I think it's only proper to sort him into the one House where he will be encouraged to shine.

Everyone leant forward in anticipation.
"Better be...."

James and Lily R28

Ok, y'all know those endless R28 stories where it's Harry and Hermione who meet Death and are sent back in time to fix things.

What if instead, it was James and Lily who did it? After dying at the wand of Voldemort, James and Lily return to their 11 year old selves, about a couple of days before September 1st, 1971. They're tasked with the destruction of Voldemort and his ideology as well as his followers. Additionally, they've been tasked with stopping Albus' manipulations before they destroy the world for the man's delusional ideas of the Greater Good.

Unlike Harry, James knows about his family's political influence and how best to use it. He also has access to their vaults and the secrets within.

Unlike Hermione, Lily has a wider framework of friends and colleagues of whom to get help and ideas from (let's just say that Alastor Moody has a soft spot in his heart for the determined firebrand.)

James and Lily know what's going to happen over the next ten years and they'll be damned if they let Albus dictate the outcome again.

(Reposted on my Ao3 works as a proper challenge- the Kgfinkel Challenge)

The Blathering curse

Tired of listening to Albus bloviate on about why he couldn't get Harry out of the Tri-Wizard Tournament despite being underage, Cedric already being the Hogwarts Champion, etc; Hermione decided that enough is enough!

She stormed into the library intent on finding a solution to all the hot air the headmaster has been spewing forth. 3rd year Ravenclaw 'oddball' Luna Lovegood drifted over and without saying a word, gently placed a book in front of the angry bushy-haired girl then drifted away again. Hermione frowned in silent puzzlement as she watched the whole interaction. "One of these days, I really need to sit down with her and try to figure out what makes her tick," she muttered before opening the book. To her surprise, lying there within the pages, was the curse she needed.

===

The next morning, Harry sullenly made his way into the Great Hall idly wondering what fresh Hell he'd have to deal with that morning. He sat down at the Gryffindor table and poured himself a cup of tea. To his right, Ron was already inhaling his third plate of food. "Ron, you still mad at me?"

Ron spared him a look, "Blah, blah, blah..." his face scrunched up in confusion. "Blah? blah, blah, blah! Blah!" The redhead started getting frantic before bolting out of the Hall.

Harry watched him leave in great confusion. He nodded to Hermione who'd just joined him. "What was that all about?"

A slow smile grew over her face, "Just a little something I cast over the whole school last night."

One of Harry’s eyebrows quirked up, "And?"

Hermione sat up primly, "I put a curse on everyone that if they couldn't say anything nice to you, then all their blathering is not worth your time."

Severus stormed over, his face contorted with rage, "Blah! Blah, blah, blah!" He stared uncomprehendingly for a moment. "Blah? Blah, blah, blah." He growled at the pair of 4th years before storming off.

===

"Miss Granger?" Hermione turned at the sound of Albus' voice behind her. "I must ask you to lift whatever this is from the school. I'm rather disappointed in you. This behavior will lead you to the Dark."

The glare he received was so reminiscent of Minerva’s patented Glare of Doom, Albus minutely wondered if his Deputy had taken a bit of polyjuice. "I will not, Headmaster. The curse will remain until everyone pulls their heads out of their arses and uses the brains nature gave them to accept that Harry cannot compete as a *fourth* competitor in a *Tri*-Wizard Tournament!" She turned back around and completely ignored him.

===

Later that week, Harry and Hermione relaxed on the couch in front of the fireplace; Harry gazed happily up at his girlfriend who'd managed to do the seemingly impossible. She'd singlehandedly gotten Albus Dumbledore to bow to her demands and find a way to get Harry out of the tournament without risking his magic. Surprise, surprise all it took was the three heads of the schools to drop a slip of parchment with Harry's name into the Goblet of Fire, tapping an enchantment built into the Goblet which in turn disqualified the name submitted.

Hermione sighed contentedly while smiling back down at Harry's starry-eyed gaze, "There shall be no more blathering about while I'm in charge."

No Riddle here, Albus

What if Tom Riddle had been adopted back when he was an infant and the new family moved out to the British Virgin Islands in the Caribbean?

His adoptive parents did their best, but there was always a Dark undercurrent with him. To counter this tendency, his new parents introduced him to the local shaman who, after a lengthy ritual, discovered Tom's lineage, his magic, and Parseltongue ability.

Rather than fear, his parents and the others from his village took the time to help him learn how to properly harness this skill. In time, Tom grew up to become the regional expert in serpentine care and research.

===

Fast forward to February 1980, Albus Dumbledore is interviewing a candidate for the recently vacated Divination professorship when the candidate slips into a trance and delivers a prophecy about a Chosen One who would vanquish a Dark Lord.

There's just one hitch. The past couple of decades have been quiet. No disappearances, no attacks, nothing to suggest that there was anyone who could even remotely be considered an up and coming Dark Lord.

Would Albus have manufactured a threat to fulfill the requirements of this prophecy, if only to give himself bragging rights or to sway legislation in the direction he wanted? Would anyone have fallen for it or seen his manipulations for what they were?

How many Potters does it take to make Snape snap?

Imagine a room full of Potters, not from the earliest traces; but a room *full* of James bloody Potter.

That's what Severus was experiencing at that moment when he walked into his first class of the day. He tried his best to ignore the faces of his enemy, but when a pack of them surrounded him to pester him with incessant chatter about the latest rumors going around between Lily Evans and James; his eye development a rather nasty twitch.

All day, wherever he went he saw James bloody Potter. Some were chatting with other people, some were hitting on or kissing other girls, and was it his imagination or were there more Lilys than normal?

===

Poppy gently lowered the bed covers over a deliriously anguished teen as the Dreamless sleep potion began to take effect before stepping over to where Severus' Head of House Horace Slughorn and Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall stood, "He'll be alright soon enough. It's just a case of exhaustion."

Horace gave Minerva a look of exasperation, "I never thought it'd be possible to induce a psychotic breakdown from a harmless prank involving polyjuice."

Minerva bobbed her head sagely, "Aye, I guess it was just one more Potter than he could handle."

Harry Potter’s Chocolate Frog Card

(Grey Harmony)

Harry Potter is more cunning and aware of who he is as well as what he means to British Magical Society thanks to Aunt Petunia who vowed revenge against all those who conspired indirectly or otherwise, to take her baby sister away from her which ultimately led to Lily’s death.

===

At age 11, Harry received his Letter from Hogwarts. He visited Diagon Alley where on chance, buys a chocolate frog for a snack. He's sort-of surprised to see his picture on the card plus some basic (though incorrect) information about his life. He takes it home with the tenuous idea that since there must be more of these cards amongst the public, if they could figure out a way to link them, Harry could have his own spy system.

At age 13, Harry's taking his electives in Ancient Runes and Arithmancy with an eye towards Enchanting. His best friend and co-conspirator Hermione Granger, helps him develop the basics for the newly named 'Card Spy.' At first, the audio quality is poor and scratchy but by Christmas, the enterprising duo figure it out.

That summer, the pair break into the factory that produces the Chocolate Frog cards and replace the factory master with their altered version.

As the Second Blood War takes off, the pair listen in on hundreds of 'secret' conversations. The one hardest to swallow is between Albus, Severus, and Molly as they plan on how to potion Harry into becoming a 'willing' patsy for the Greater Good.

Now determined to make a change, Harry with Hermione by his side, set out to disrupt the future of Magical Britain.

Plots and plans; all involving a Chocolate Frog Card.

===

Now, you might be asking yourself, "Why would Hermione Granger do something that could potentially land her in a world of trouble?" The answer is rather depressing to be honest. Unlike her canon counterpart, this Hermione comes from a broken home. Her parents are divorced; her mum works long hours as a machine operator in a factory making injection molded parts for the automotive industry. Her dad works as a lorry driver for the same company in the shipping department. They remain civil for Hermione’s sake, but the tension is there.

Hermione began acting out at an early age, becoming a skilled pickpocket by age 8 before moving onto forgery at age 10. When her Letter came, she saw it as a means of escape from her mum's dreary council flat. She recognized a kindred spirit in Harry when they met on the Hogwarts Express.

===

They both get sorted into Gryffindor after a conversation about lying low where no one would suspect anything amiss, especially in Harry's case since everyone expects him to follow in his parents' footsteps.

Ron Weasley tries early on to become Harry's best mate, but he's subtly shunted off to hang out with Dean and Seamus after Harry 'reveals' that he has a legacy to live up to and it would make his heart heavy if he didn't study as much as he could to make his deceased parents proud.

Harry remains polite to Ron but he doesn't trust the redhead, especially after he gets the Card Spy up and running. Ron’s not a conniving bastard, but he doesn’t have a filter on his mouth which allows his mother (and Albus) to make and alter their plans.

Project Runway: Hogwarts Edition (expanded)

Harry and Hermione are budding fashion designers. They meet on the train and bond over a shared love of clothes, fabric, and sewing techniques. Between the two, they set off on a lighthearted journey to redesign the Hogwarts uniform which seems out of character to a magical castle and school.

HP = his style is reminiscent of the 1920s (think Peaky Blinders show.) He designs for the ready-to-wear boys market.

HG = her style is more eclectic yet with an eye on cargo storage. Her main theme is 'goblincore' which features earthy tones, textures, and fabrics.

Both have made and sold their products in shops and through fashion magazines. Both have taken part in fashion shows.

===

Albus is dismissive of their efforts, claiming that the current uniforms are doing what they're supposed to be doing.

The other students and staff are mystified by Albus' stubbornness, especially in light at how well the clothes are made and look.

===

H/Hr are introduced to the Room of Requirement by Head Elf Beanie where they find all manner of stuff to use. The Diadem is discovered by Hermione (Beanie rescues her before she can put it on.) After a moment of recovery, Beanie makes the unilateral decision to send the offending item to Director Croaker of the Department of Mysteries. Croaker returns with a medical team to examine Harry and Hermione to make sure they're alright as well as interview the pair about their involvement with the Diadem's discovery (Albus tries to poke his nose in but gets slapped down for his intrusion.)

A detailed scan of Harry reveals that the boy is suffering from the Scar-crux plus a host of other highly illegal spells and bindings. "Three guesses who those belong to, Director."

Croaker takes Harry to get cleared of the Horcrux and illegal stuff. A lengthy reports is generated which concludes that Voldemort is still alive, Albus knows about it yet is doing nothing because certain events haven't happened yet for the Greater Good.

===

Meanwhile, Harry and Hermione collaborate with Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, and several others to hold a school-wide fashion show for the media, Ministry, and the school. The Board of Governors is brought in to evaluate the outfits to see if they could replace the existing style. After a lengthy discussion, they're approved. Albus has a meltdown which leads Poppy to sedate him for his and everyone else's safety.

An investigation into Albus' health leads to the discovery that he'd been the one to design the current uniform which included a specialized stitching designed to dumb down the wearer and make them view Albus as 'trustworthy' in all things educational.

The fallout from this is nothing short of inflammatory. Albus is hauled before the Wizengamot to answer questions. The BoG fires him which allows Director Bones to come down hard on the old goat.

(Author's choice of punishment)

Chapter Text

Prompts List 34

The Great Cookie Caper

(Post war)

Harry and Hermione’s two kids, Briallen (age 6) and Kevin (age 5) are on a mission to track down the meanie who stole the last chocolate chip cookie from the tin on the kitchen counter. They’ll need to rely on each other, discover the clues left behind, interview suspects, and solve the case…all before their bedtime.

Briallen discovers the empty cookie tin just after lunch on a Saturday. Harry’s in the Master Study, Hermione’s in the laundry, and the TV is playing Chuddington in the background. Bri first checks the garbage can because she knows that empty wrappers go there when you’re done with them. Kevin points out that he saw Mummy put a plastic bag from the grocery shop in the closet when they got home from the park. Bri locates it, but it only held the toys they took with them to the park.

Their journey takes them through each room of the house. In the living room, Bri loses Kevin after he gets distracted by the cartoons playing on the TV. She then enters the mudroom and finds a part of the wrapper from the cookie tin!

When Kevin rejoins her, the pair enter the Master’s Study where they question Daddy about his knowledge of the cookie’s disappearance, his location during the caper, and if he knew who might’ve done it.

The Detective Duo look through every room and even out in their play area in the backyard only to come up empty. Briallen huffs, “Daddy says he didn’t take it, Mummy says she didn’t take it, I know I didn’t take it, and you’re too short to reach the shelf!”

Kevin pouts, “Am not!”

As it turned out, no one stole the last cookie; it had fallen behind a bag of cereal when Mummy was making their lunch. As Briallen settled into bed that evening, she smiled to herself. “This was a fun day!”

Duh…wow, Hermione!

Hermione was in a rush. She had received word that the Order was going to retrieve Harry from the Dursleys before his 17th birthday. The problem was that her regular clothes were still in the washing machine and she didn't want to use magic unless absolutely necessary.

To that end, she raided her mum's closet and pulled out the first outfit that looked reasonably comfortable. As she snapped the straps onto the skirt, she took a moment to admire herself in the mirror. She let out a short giggle, "Harry's gonna be losing IQ points by the bucketful when he sees me in this!"

Riddle v Gaunt family feud (observations)

It's my headcanon that the real reason why Morfin and Marvolo Gaunt, especially the latter, had such an issue with the Riddles was not because of Merope's interest in the good-looking son, but because the Manor used to belong to the Gaunt family before their fall from grace. After the prior Gaunt generations squandered the money and hit the tipping point of their inbreeding; they had to sell the Manor to pay off their debts. It still rankles Marvolo every time he sees those Salazar-damned *muggles* living in what should've been his birthright.

Motive and Opportunities (built off the above observation)

Hermione was staring oddly at Harry as he recounted what he'd seen and learned from watching Dumbledore’s pensieve memories.

"It's my belief, Hermione; that the real reason why Morfin and Marvolo Gaunt, especially the latter, had such an issue with the Riddles was not because of Merope's interest in the good-looking son, but because the Manor used to belong to the Gaunt family before their fall from grace. After the prior Gaunt generations squandered the money and hit the tipping point of their inbreeding; they had to sell the Manor to pay off their debts. It still rankles Marvolo every time he sees those Salazar-damned *muggles* living in what should've been his birthright."

Intrigued, Hermione asked if Harry had shared these thoughts with Dumbledore. Harry scoffed, "I tried, but he just brushed off the idea as unimportant. I mean, why else is he showing me all of these memories of how Voldemort got his start? It all comes down to motive. Voldemort aka Riddle is just perpetuating this age old feud between their two families. Daddy abandoned mummy and me so now it's up to little Tommy to get revenge. What a waste..."

Minerva and the Quidditch World Cup (observation)

Minerva McGonagall is supposed to be an absolute fanatic when it comes to Quidditch, right?

So why do we never see her there in the movies or read about her 'letting her hair down' in the stories? You would think that Rowling or her screenwriters would include that perennial favorite of the kids staring in awe (and a little bit of WTF) of one of their teachers outside of the classroom acting like everyone else.

What if Albus wasn’t actually Albus? (Observation)

We all know that Gellert Grindlewald was a master of disguises, impersonating Lord Percival Graves from the American Ministry for all those years without anyone getting wise to his trickery and subterfuge until the very end.

What if instead of Albus Dumbledore defeating Grindlewald at the end of WW2; it was the reverse with Gellert taking Albus' place and personality within Magical Britain?

The real Albus was then locked away in Nuremgard forever and that's who Voldemort met during his search for the Elder wand.

This would explain a lot of the Manipulative!Dumbledore tropes and fit the stories where Voldemort was merely a blunt weapon used by Albus to weed out those families who dared to oppose him in the political arena.

(Prompt from What If Albus wasn’t actually Albus)

Hermione observed Harry one evening after yet another trip down memory lane to try and discern some hidden meaning behind Voldemort's motives. "What are you thinking about, Harry?"

"What if the Headmaster isn't actually Albus Dumbledore? We know he had a history with someone named Gellert Grindlewald during the turn of the century leading to that epic duel at the end of World War Two, right?"

Hermione slowly nodded her head in agreement, still wondering where he was going with this line of thought.

Harry continued, "According to the texts, Gellert Grindlewald was a master of disguises, impersonating Lord Percival Graves from the American Ministry for all those years without anyone getting wise to his trickery and subterfuge until the very end.

What if instead of Albus Dumbledore defeating Grindlewald at the end of WW2; it was the reverse with Gellert taking Albus' place and personality within Magical Britain?"

That rocked her back as so many little clues started falling into place. "The real Albus was then locked away in Nuremgard forever and that's who Voldemort met during his search for the Elder wand."

Harry gestured appreciatively that she'd reached the same conclusion he had. "This would explain and fit the stories where Voldemort was merely a blunt weapon used by Albus to weed out those families who dared to oppose him in the political arena."

Ginny’s New Style

“Please, Hermione! You’ve got to help me!” Ginny pleaded. “Mum’s idea of ‘fun and flirty’ would see me wearing something out of that Pride and Prejudice book you like so much.” The distraught redhead slumped on the couch. Off in the kitchen, Harry could be heard quietly singing to their 5 month old daughter, Briallen.

Hermione scoffed, “When, in all the years have you known me, have I ever given the impression that I know the first thing about fashion?”

Ginny waved her hand in the other girl’s direction. “You must know something to have attracted Harry to you. I mean, have you seen that dopey look he gets whenever you’re wearing that dress you got over the summer?”

Hermione thought for a moment trying to place which dress Ginny was referring to and pinked a bit while a proud smile crept across her face. “Oh, that one…” She looked over at her friend and sighed, “Alright, but not a word to your mother that I helped. Things are bad enough between us after that incident involving Ron and the pie-that-shall-not-be-named.”

Ginny’s normally tanned features turned slightly green, “How he ever thought that head cheese made for an acceptable replacement for Cheddar is beyond me or that you wouldn’t have had that reaction when you found out.”

Dumbledore’s R28

Instead of the usual way of Harry going back, it’s Albus who must make sure that both teens end up together, defeat Voldemort, and drag the magical world into the 21^st century.

Albus was on his sixth loop and died because of his idiotic plan to retrieve the Horcrux within the Peverell ring alone. As a result, he meets his Grim Reaper who rails and denigrates the old goat for failing miserably. Albus is shown how his mission was SUPPOSED to succeed, but failed to do so because he kept allowing distractions to creep in, or falling under the thrall of Gellert Grindlewald’s silver tongue and honeyed words.

“You have one chance left, Albus. I hope for your sake you get it right; otherwise, your ‘Next Great Adventure’ will be anything but!” His Reaper intoned darkly. “This time I’ll be sending you back with all of your memories from this past life along with my instructions. As a warning to you, should you start going down your previous pasts, your magic will decrease 1% for each infraction. Do you accept my offer or should I just send you downstairs?”

It was patently clear to a terrified Albus just what his Reaper meant by ‘downstairs.’

“I, I agree…” He stammered.

Albus and his Reaper left the office and headed to a special room where he was put into a chamber. There was a sudden rush of noise, lights, and smells; his skin seemed to crawl before the Chamber glowed a blinding white.

When he was finally opened his eyes, Albus discovered that he’d been sent back to his hometown! Even better, it was the same date when his sister was attacked by those three muggles! Dashing off as fast as he could, Albus vowed to make things right. Harry’s and Hermione’s destiny demanded it.

No Nap!

What if, during one of Hermione’s legendary study sessions; she discovers that the Great Goblin Rebellion of 1745 was actually a bunch of toddlers demanding "No Nap!" and that the 1745 was in military time.

This leads her to question the validity of all of those other 'rebellions' that A History of Magic and Binns have reported on.

Harry's bemused, Ron's confused, and Luna’s amused. The WEA is losing their collective shit...

Pranking Minerva

3rd year and Harry decided the time was ripe to let his inner prankster come out for a while. He gathered up a few of his friends then convinced Hermione and a couple of other girls to take part.

===

Third floor near the stairs

Minerva practically flew up the stairs without the aid of a broom as she frantically tried to reach the classroom where one of the portraits had informed her that an orgy of unparalleled levels was taking place. As she neared her destination, she could hear all manner of depravity coming through the door.

'Whoever's taking part will *wish* they only get a year's worth of detentions by the time I'm through with them!' She thought viciously. Between the Dementors outside and the mystery of Sirius Black, not to mention all the usual hassles she got from Severus and Albus; Minerva was seriously considering putting in her resignation.

She pulled her wand and prepared to breach the door just as the sounds of bleating barnyard animals rang out. "Dear Merlin..."

===

The door exploded open as Minerva strode into the room, fury etched on her face. "What the..." She began only to have her reprimand die in her throat. Sitting on chairs in front of her, fully dressed and spaced three feet apart was Potter and his coterie who all cheered and rang cowbells in celebration.

"SURPRISE!!"

Sitting off to the side was Professors Flitwick and Sprout, the former was practically rolling off his chair, nearly laughing himself to death. Pomona smirked at her long-time friend, "Did you really think that we wouldn't have a hand in this? Besides, it seems awfully reminiscent of that 'encounter' you had with Tommy Stimson back in our 3rd year."

Filius chortled, "I remember that! Your Head of House at the time, what's-her-face Kliener nearly booted you off the Quidditch team as punishment!"

Minerva’s face was a mix of warring emotions. She accepted a Goblet of juice from someone and quaffed it down. It was only when she spotted Potter grinning victoriously, did she start to panic, "What did you do to the juice?"

Harry put on an innocent look that fooled no one, "Me? I didn't do anything." He glanced over to the Weasley Twins, "They on the other hand..."

Minerva sank into a chair and just groaned pitifully as she began to feel her magic react to whatever had been added. "I need a vacation..."

Holographic fun

(Timeline shifted forward ten years)

Hermione entered Grimmauld Place and frowned in puzzlement at the incredulous looks on everyone's faces. "What's wrong?"

Harry was sitting on the couch with his usual dopey 'I'm in love' look. That was nothing new, he always wore that expression whenever she walked in; especially after the Prefect Bath Incident when she revealed her blazing orange and black bikini and smoking hot physique in preparation to figure out the Golden Egg clue.

Remus cleared his throat, "Hermione? What are you wearing?" He gestured with his finger up and down at her clothes.

Hermione just huffed, "You're all a bunch of Puritans, you know that right? What I'm wearing is not all that out of place in the rest of Britain. You people need to get out more."

Sirius waved his hand in front of Harry's starry-eyed face and quipped, "If you think we're bad, just wait until Smother Molly gets a look at you."

Hermione gave him a haughty sniff, "It's your house, Sirius. You set the rules, not her or the Headmaster. If you have a problem, you need to say something."

Sirius held his hands up in submission, "You'll get no argument from me. I like that color-changing fabric; reminds me of the eighties. I'm just saying that Molly's gonna pitch a fit then I'll have it listen to it."

Remus gave him a long-suffering sigh, "Sirius, Hermione is correct. If Molly is taking over, it's your job to stand up to her." He turned back to the girl who was now giving Harry tiny kisses on the lips, "You wear what you want. I'm sure Harry has no issue with it." He smirked as Harry reached up and flipped him the bird.

Harry Potter, the best ‘big brother’ Luna ever had

Harry approached a group of 4th and 5th year girls one afternoon before spring break. Amongst them were Luna and Hermione.

"Luna, I know that your birthday has already passed as the gift I wanted to get you had to be special ordered from the United States. It's finally arrived and I thought you could use it to make an outfit as original and unique as you are."

He presented the wrapped box to the bewildered blonde and subtly winked at Hermione. The oxygen in their immediate area vanished as everyone present gasped in wonder; no more so than a wide-eyed Luna as she lifted the incredible fabric out, its sequins shimmering in the light. Tears started forming as she leapt up and hugged the stuffing out of Harry. "Thank you, Harry Potter! This is the best gift I've ever received."

She sat down and was immediately surrounded by the others as they crammed in to see and examine her gift. Hermione rose to her feet and wrapped her arms around his waist and placed a loving kiss on his lips, "You are the best 'big brother' a girl could ever have, Harry James."

You Sneaky Elf, Dobby

Dobby had learned much over the years, yes he did. It made sense really, considering that he’d been a Potter elf for a long time. First had been Master Fleamont, then Master Charles, and finally Master James. Each one taught him the fine art of pranking and mischief (though as an elf, Dobby already had an ingrained knowledge of chaos handed down through the millennia of Fae before him.) Ostensibly, he should’ve been assigned to Master Harry if it wasn’t for Bad Dumbles poking his broken nose in other family’s business when he had no right to do so.

===

Outside of the Hogwarts Infirmary, after the Chamber of Secrets battle…

Dobby had just given his warning about not hurting Harry Potter to his former Bad Master. As an added bonus to himself, Dobby included a subtle trick he’d picked up from Master Fleamont. Anytime Lucius thought bad ideas about Harry Potter, the man would subconsciously wet his pants. Dobby giggled to himself whilst still glaring the ponce down and crossed his arms defiantly.

As Lucius hobbled off, Harry knelt down to Dobby’s level and gave him a knowing look of amusement, “Seriously, Dobby? Making him wet himself?”

Dobby’s ears flapped as he shook his head, “Not just that, Harry Potter sir.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, “If former Bad Master thinks bad ideas about muggleborns, he gets explosive diarrhea.”

Harry snorted in laughter, “Wherever did you learn about such pranks?”

Dobby patted him on the shoulder as he led Harry back to the infirmary, “Dobby has been a Potter elf for many generations. Dobby has much to tell you…”

An Elf for All

What if every magical child, regardless of blood status, was Gifted an elf (matching gender) from birth?

All the elves were connected to their humans from the moment they were born. They assisted the new parents with household chores, tended the babies while the adults were busy, and made sure that the child's magic was fresh and clean.

At least, that's how it was in the beginning...

===

Harry was bonded to Dobby in the beginning, but after that fateful Halloween night and subsequently being dumped onto the Dursleys; the pair were unable to reconnect until the summer before Harry’s second year when Lord Malfoy’s plotting pushed Dobby past the breaking point. Dobby sobbed and cried with happy tears as their conjoined magic rejoiced at being together again. No longer would Master Harry have to suffer from the muggles and their unfortunate situation (it wasn't their fault they had no experience raising a magical child); nor would he be subjected to the manipulative whims of a bearded idiot with delusions of grandeur.

Come Hell or high water, Dobby would do all he could to keep his charge safe and happy (even if it meant bending the rules a bit, or a lot.)

===

Hermione Granger was always an excitable child, eager to read everything she could lay her hands on. While it wasn't unusual for a child to have an imaginary friend, it mystified her parents when they would find their daughter's closet filled with clothes, shoes, and other necessities they were certain hadn't been there before.

It wasn't until Hermione’s seventh birthday before Winky revealed herself to the Granger parents. Mr. Granger was hesitant, but Mrs. Granger was relieved to learn about the symbiotic relationship between her daughter and this tiny creature. Winky helped Hermione navigate the social morass as befitting her age and station, thereby assisting her in making a few close friends and making her transition to Hogwarts that much easier.

===

Albus Dumbledore was most definitely not the kind of person to be blindly trusted. His magic swirled constantly, never settling on a path towards the Light, no matter what he espoused. When Harry reached Hogwarts, Dobby was constantly on guard to protect his charge from Dumbledore's plots and plans (honestly, the number of tracking and listening charms, magical bindings, and other bad magic the bastard kept applying were becoming ridiculous!

During one evening, surrounded by the other magical children and their elves (Ron's elf Dinky was busily trying to sort through the redhead's magic to find out why he was always hungry even after just eating); Dobby passed on a cautionary tale to Harry (and later Hermione) he'd heard growing up that Dumbledore's elf had gone insane and severed their bond violently, which was why the old man was so crazy. Winky confirmed that she'd heard the same tale too, though with some minor differences relating to how the elder Dumbledores treated their respective elves like slaves.

"There are also tales of some magical children who cannot be bonded to an elf because of the Dark that lies within their souls, even from the beginning." Dobby warned them. "They are destined to walk this Earth causing pain and suffering no matter where they go or how hard they try to be good."

===

As Harry and the others grew, their elves helped them navigate the treacherous waters of teenagehood between courtships and romance, tutoring their charges with their education, and helping keep their magic clean. Thanks to Dobby’s help and cautionary tales, he managed to stay clear of Albus' plans for the Greater Good leaving the old man to clean up his own mistakes (usually under wandpoint by the Director of the DMLE or DoM.)

Saving What Should’ve Been

(Ron-centric Harmony Time Travel; MW bash; up to the author regarding Albus’ involvement)

Ron thought being married to Hermione should’ve been a dream come true. His mother had promised him that the muggleborn girl was just the kind of person their family needed to boost them out of…well, he just sort of tuned her out at that point. ‘Honestly, she was acting a bit mental.’

He did love his wife, somewhat at least; Hermione provided him with two beautiful children, but the spark just wasn’t there and now he wondered if it had ever been. ‘A kiss shared after a traumatic event shouldn’t count as true love’s declaration.’

Ron observed Ginny’s relationship with Harry and came to a similar conclusion; she too was suffering from her marriage to Harry. It wasn’t from all of the social craziness. Ginny clearly loved going to the parties; no, it was the constant fear that some wannabe Dark Lord or their followers would think to target her and/or their kids to control Harry’s responses to whatever they were trying to accomplish. He could see the slight tension in her eyes or the grip of her hands as they tightened whenever they had to go somewhere public.

He knew deep within his heart that his mother was wrong. Harry should’ve never married Ginny. They were all wrong for each other. She was the adventurous, outgoing type who dreamed of living life in full throttle. Harry, on the other hand, wanted nothing more than to remain in the background; he’d seen more than his fair share of things. Then there were the rumors that his mum had used potions to bring them together. Harry for his family money, Hermione for her brains and fresh magic unspoiled by generations of pureblood inbreeding. ‘Mum must’ve been barmy if she thought Ginny would’ve been a good wife to him or that I’d be a good husband to Hermione. Merlin knows I’ve tried, but there are just some things I can’t overcome.’  He chuckled to himself about the words he kept mispronouncing like ‘e-lec-tric-ity;’ he had to sound out the word even in his own mind to make sure he thought of it correctly. Moreso than that, was the driving test he’d cheated on when he used a Confundus charm on the examiner. The argument the pair had rattled the roof for hours.

So Ron did something he never thought was possible. He went to the library…

Days grew into weeks which in turn became months, then finally into years before he finally discovered the ritual that would send his current consciousness back to his younger self. He had to make sure that Harry and Hermione found each other and fell in love; all while avoiding his mother’s interference. So many personal sacrifices had to be made. Hoping that whatever happened, his family in this world would grow up safe and happy, he confirmed his calculations before he cast his magic at the first ring of the circle.

“September 1^st, 1991; saving what should’ve been…”

Hermione's Bra of Holding

What if instead of her infamous beaded bag, Hermione used the space expansion charms on one of her bras?

It was something she'd done while they were in school during 5th year due to the harassment by the Inquisitorial Squad. She was able to smuggle in supplies and books without anyone getting wise to her activities.

Her reasons for going this route?

For one thing, she wouldn't have to worry about it being lost or stolen. Second, can you imagine the incredulous looks on Harry's and Ron's faces after they escape the Death Eater attack on the Burrow to Tottenham Court Road?

Oh, the things you'll find in the Legendary Bra of Holding...

Hermione's New Look

In an effort to prove her public image, that she wasn't just some boring, bossy swot with oversized incisors and bushy-hair in a shapeless clothes; Hermione bit the proverbial bullet and reached out to her last remaining muggle friends for help.

===

Grimmauld Place, summer before 5th year

Harry looked up as he heard Walburga Black's portrait start yelling again. Weirdly, her strident tones abruptly halted a mere moment later. No one is that fast at shutting the curtains. At least without cursing at her first...' He'd just risen to his feet when she walked in.

Hermione stood there before him looking like Divine Beauty had gotten together with Amazonian Power. A knowing grin split her face as her eyes glowed with self-assured confidence. "Hello, Harry." She purred sensuously, "You like what you see?"

Chapter Text

When Harry Went Dark

'We all have breaking points, but it is what we do when we reach them that truly defines us.' - unknown