Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was the second night of thunderstorms when she came to see him.

Not him, really – a noble lady like Morgana would never come late at night to the far corner of the castle in search of a servant like Merlin, no matter how cordial they were during the day. He’d known this might happen after the first round of nightmares coming to life had started the fire in her chambers and blown out a glass window into sand on the courtyard below. Maybe it was a long shot, but he’d hoped she would somehow find him. Whatever Gaius said, the woman deserved to know she wasn’t a threat.

He certainly hadn’t expected that time to come in the middle of the night, lightning and rain crashing all around the citadel, in the form of a terrified Morgana slamming open their door with wild hair and tears in her eyes, still in a nightgown and billowing robe. Merlin didn’t need visions to tell him something terrible was about to happen.

“Is Gaius here?” Her tone stayed just barely on the side of calm, higher than usual like when something frightened her, but her energy was manic and tense.

Merlin glanced at the door swinging shut. “Er – no, he’s not here at the moment, he should be back soon though.”

Morgana kept walking towards him until he could see the redness around her eyes. “I need to speak to him, where is he?” she insisted.

“He’s gone to see the king.” At the mention of Uther, she froze. Her already pale face drained of all leftover color and she stared at him as if she might pass out any moment. A panicky breath escaped her, prompting Merlin’s fear to ask “What’s wrong?”

She opened her mouth to speak, thought again and shut it. Likely she’d heard enough to assume what he’d say if she spoke of nightmares and fire and a future only she could see. If she wasn’t ready to say, he wouldn’t force it – yet she didn’t leave. Something about her wavering stance and wet cheeks spoke a longing she couldn’t put to words, yearning he only recognized after seeing it so often in himself.

“You can trust me, Morgana,” he said gently, “you know you can.”

The tender worry in her eyes when she looked at him sent an ice pick through his chest. She really did trust him – not as a mere servant she could rely on, but a real friend who wanted to help her. Again, Gaius’ warning that morning about keeping his mouth shut tugged at his mind; how could he abandon her like that?

“I’m scared, Merlin,” she whispered. “I don’t understand anything anymore, I need to know what’s happening.” When he stayed silent, she added a desperate “Please.”

It took everything in him not to give in. “Gaius will be back soon. He’ll help you,” he promised lamely, but she shook her head and pressed forward.

“He won’t. I don’t want any more remedies, they won’t do any good.” She stopped too close to him, his instincts screaming at him to back up, end this now before she went too far. A thousand excuses sprang to mind, but then her voice dipped even softer. “It’s magic, Merlin.”

The word magic spoken by anyone besides himself and Gaius hit him like a mace to the gut. For the King’s ward to speak it, not to cause fear and suspicion but to resolve her own…how powerful, he wondered in awe, was the force of a word spoken by the right tongue?

“I’m your friend, you know I wouldn’t make this up.”

“Of course,” he managed.

“Then you believe me?”

He couldn’t speak. Couldn’t lie to her face. After everything they’d done, everything she meant to him and he to her, he couldn’t betray her by admitting to anything less than the truth.

Her eyes widened just a fraction, mouth parting in stunned disbelief. “You think it’s magic, too.” Not a question, not an accusation. Magic . The word hung between them like mist on the water. He still couldn’t bring himself to choose. “Please, Merlin,” she whispered, her voice starting to crack with tears, “I just need to hear someone say it so I don’t have to keep feeling like I’m imagining it.”

He knew the feeling. He knew it in his bones, in his blood, in the ancient magic running through both of them – she was like him. Morgana. Beyond her power, she was like him in that she knew that speaking it and hearing it were two separate beasts. He only had to conquer one now that she’d slain the other.

“You’re not imagining it.”

Surprise flashed in her expression, then relief, dropping her tension like a marionette freed of her strings. With a gasp, she hurtled herself at him and wrapped her arms around his chest, sharp sobs building and spilling from her in waves.

“I knew it,” she laughed breathlessly. “It is magic. I – I have magic.” She laughed again and pulled back to point a dazzling smile in his direction that lanced his heart. “I can’t believe you believe me!”

“I do,” Merlin said softly. Then, “I’m so sorry.”

“Whatever for?”

“Morgana – you’re the King’s ward. He can’t know about this, no one can.”

“What? Why –” Understanding, another bolt of lightning, tore her grin to shreds. “He’ll kill me, won’t he? Even though I’m –”

“I don’t believe there’s anyone Uther would hesitate to take out when it comes to sorcery,” he confirmed grimly. “You have to keep it hidden.”

“But how do I do that? I wasn’t trying to set the fire last night, or break the vase just now. How do I stop it if I can’t control it?”

Merlin looked away, his gaze landing on the book of magic Gaius had given him his first week in Camelot. It could help…but what if she were caught with it? Her chambers, private as they were, were still under more scrutiny than his; no doubt Gwen would find it hidden away and assume some dark sorcerer had planted it there to taunt her lady. No, giving her anything magic would only lead to more trouble.

Another thought crossed his mind. “My lady, do you think all magic is evil? Like the King says, that magic can only corrupt.”

She sat at the worktable, brows furrowed to consider the question. “No. I don’t feel evil. I can’t imagine myself doing anything like what Uther says sorcerers are responsible for. And that druid boy we met, Mordred? He’s just a child, how could he possibly be a threat?”

“And others, like the druids. You don’t think they’re bad for having magic?”

“Do you?”

He swallowed a laugh. “No. I think magic can be a wonderful thing, if given the space to grow into wonder. After all the terrible magic we’ve encountered, I can understand why he wants it destroyed, but I – I don’t think it’s always bad.”

She tilted her head to examine him, searching his eyes for something hidden. “Your friend, the boy from Ealdor. He claimed he used magic to stop the bandits that day. Is he why you don’t hate it?”

He’d nearly forgotten William’s lie. Could he reveal the truth now? After a moment, he said “Partly. I’ve seen magic do good things, even great things. No weapon is ever good or bad without the wielder’s intentions.” It wasn’t a lie; William had taught him by friendship he wasn’t something to fear, that he wasn’t a monster destined to cause trouble wherever he went. Magic had been part of their childhood, and William had loved it as much as Merlin.

Morgana took his hand, mistaking his hesitancy for grief. “I’m sorry about what happened to him. He was a brave man.”

“He was.” Something rustled noisily past the window and Merlin looked up just in time to see Gaius coming back from the throne room. He pulled Morgana to her feet, hurrying her to the door. “You have to go, Gaius will be here any minute. He can’t know we talked about this, he’s worried about the danger you’ll be in.”

“Merlin, wait.” She tugged on his hand until he turned to look at her. “Thank you,” she whispered earnestly, “for not saying I’m mad.”

He smiled back. “We’re friends, Morgana. You’ve got to be at least a little mad to put up with me.”

They ran up the stairs until the first set of knights came into view and their hands separated, Morgana walking demurely in front and Merlin a few paces behind, just a servant escorting a lady back to her chambers. The knights glanced over but didn’t stop them, averting their eyes at Morgana’s state of dress. Once the pair were out of sight, Morgana threw him a mischievous look.

“We’re certainly going to get a few good rumors tomorrow,” she teased, her eyes twinkling at the blush heating Merlin’s ears.

Gwen still slept in the anteroom and hadn’t stirred in the time her lady had been gone, so they snuck past her to hide the evidence of her previous magical activity. Merlin swept up the broken vase while Morgana rescued as many flowers as she could to set out on her bedside table. She sighed at a few that went into the pile of glass, too waterlogged to salvage.

“Do you think,” she wondered quietly, “I could use magic to fix them?”

Merlin put a finger to his lips. “Better not take the risk. You’ve got to be careful now, only use it when you have no other option and never in front of someone else,” he insisted.

“Never? What about with you, when it’s just us?”

“Under normal circumstances, when is it ever just us?”

The woman squared her shoulders, more mischief in her slow smile. “Well, with the rumors those knights will likely spread, it shouldn’t be too hard to take advantage,” she suggested playfully.

Merlin held back a laugh. “Right, like anyone would believe that.”

“We’ll find time,” she said, assuring herself more than him. “Now that I know what I am, I can’t just let it be. You don’t know how relieved I feel knowing it’s all really happening.” She slipped into the large bed, smiling helplessly all the while; everything about her looked and sounded like a completely different person from the Morgana who tore into the physician’s chambers barely a half hour earlier. Acknowledging her magic seemed to have freed something in her soul that haunted more than just her nightmares. Briefly, Merlin wondered what that must feel like.

“You can talk to me,” he reminded her softly. “I’m your friend, whenever you need me.”

“I know. I – thank you, Merlin. Truly.”

He bowed his head with a matching grin. “Good night, my lady.”

He carefully pulled her doors shut, then checked around the corner to confirm Gwen still slept. Between her quiet breaths, the sorcerer murmured a soft spell for peaceful sleep to both women: one more gift to begin their new adventure and, hopefully, something good for Camelot.