Chapter Text
The gleam of sunlight shining down a slightly grey hair, with a gentle melody that I've always heard every morning. It woke me up from a deep slumber of sleepiness as I heard the sound of my favorite gukbap bubbling, the rolled omelette sizzling as it was fried. With 'Tak,Tak,tak' monotonous sounds of cutting board, I remembered how I have always been admiring her figure from behind. For my 12 years old me, my grandmother is the kindest, gentlest and the best person in the world.
"Our Namra… did you sleep well? Are you hungry?" With a kind smile, grandmother asked me as she wiped her hand with the corner of her apron.
"Yes, grandmother. I'm so hungry." I answered her with a smile. Spending my day with grandmother was something that I've always looked forward to.
"Wash your hands and do you want to help grandmother setting the table?" She asked while tasting the soup.
"Yes, grandmother." Answered me.
Breakfast at my grandmother's house was simple. Simple soup, eggs, kimchi and side dishes. But even with just that, I felt that it was the best food in the world.
"Do you like the soup, Namra?" Asked grandmother while she took some side dishes and gave it to me.
"I like it very much, grandmother. I like gukbap the most. But mother said it's not proper food for me, she doesn't want to see me eat it." I answered her as I put more kimchi in my soup.
"Don't worry too much, my dear. I think Namra should eat whatever she wants, as long as it is healthy. You can eat and do whatever you like while you're here." Grandmother gave me her usual gentle smile and slowly she raised her hand and patted my head.
"But what if mother got really angry at me?"
"It will be alright. Grandmother will always be by your side. Do whatever you think is right, my dear. Taking a risk is fine, it means to stay true to yourself. Grandmother doesn't want you to have any regrets in your life. Do you understand, my dear?" The small wrinkles in the corner of her eyes seemed more visible as she smiled at me. The way she brushed my bangs and put it on my ear was so gentle and full of love.
"I understand, grandmother." I knew back then, whatever I do, my grandmother will always have my back.
I looked at the transcript and slowly read my academic report and I noticed there were some subjects that have lower grades than others. Physical education, moral education and social studies. It has always been these three subjects that made me wonder if I really do have some problem with society. At least it was still two A and one B+, but knowing my mother one B won't be enough for her. Maybe I should have taken more classes at charm school.
"So, it seemed we got the highest grade in our class. Prez, she got the first rank in our class and for the entire 11th grade. She got a very good result. Congratulations. Keep up the great work, Namra." I could hear my classmate whispering as Teacher Park talked to them. Such a gullible person. She believed that someday my classmate would think of me as her class president for real.
"And Bare-Su!" She called for Lee Suhyeok. My classmate, I barely talked to any of them, but Lee Suhyeok was an exception. I felt like he's the only one that won't judge me for what I did. My classmate didn't really consider me as her class president, they wouldn't talk to me unless it's necessary, I just thought they hated me because I never talked to them. It was not like I hate them, I didn't dislike them. I thought it was because I never have a friend, I didn't know how to communicate, talking to them scared me. But Lee Suhyeok was not like the rest. He has been nice to me, and talked to me like I'm just a normal person.
"Yes, Teacher Park." Suhyeok stood up with an unsure gaze looking back and forth to the class.
"Please do something about your grade, if it is still the same, do you want to repeat a grade? Come see me after school." Asked Teacher Park.
"Yes, Teacher Park." Answered Suhyeok. He sat back in his seat and took a long sigh as he whipped his face roughly. I felt bad for him.
"There's a B on your transcript. Are you sure you work harder than anyone else, Namra?" My mother gave me a hard look and I could tell she was furious, I thought it was enough for her.
"It's for moral education, mother. I've already read many books for that. I… I even asked my teacher everything I didn't understand." I could barely see her face, I didn't want to see any disappointment in there.
"All I hear is an excuse. If you keep your goal in mind and work harder I won't see these pathetic results. Don't you want to be a proper human being?" My mother didn't raise her voice. But it still cutted me, and for some reason I couldn't answer her. What was the point of being a proper human being if everyday felt so hard to breathe.
"Why can't you stay focused? Is it because of your grandmother? She is too soft for you, isn't? Why did I have to leave you with her at that time." My mother has always blamed my grandmother for every mistake I made. I couldn't say anything because the tears kept wheeling in my eyes, I wouldn't make them flow out.
"I've spent so much for you, be thankful for all your mother did for you, Namra. I just want you to make your dream come true. And have a successful life. Don't be such an ungrateful child. What is the meaning of life if you can't be the best?!" Always about the money that she spent so much for me.
"It's for the best that you don't meet your grandmother again. So she doesn't give any funny ideas about her pathetic freedom and ridiculous way of life." I didn't know what could make my mother resent my grandmother so much. She was always bitter and angry at her. But I'm not my mother. For me, grandmother has become an important person in my life. Then I heard it. my mother dropped this hurtful words and I felt all remnant ties held between us were torn.
"I would rather don't have a daughter than a failure one." She threw it on my face. And everything was all gone silent, as if I could hear a pin drop against the cold tile. I didn't say a word, I just stayed silent because my mind went blank and my ears have been ringing since then.
"I'll book this entire long weekend for you to increase your grade in a special class. Special admission is important, if you miss it you can just leave this house and be a useless person!" Said my mother after she had enough of me.
As she left, finally, I let the hot tears spill over my cheeks, staining my face. I cried silently, not allowing any noise to escape my shaking lips. If I disappear today, it wouldn't affect my mother too much. I didn't know for how long I sat in my living room. My mother has gone for a while, I wanted to scream my voice out, I wanted to grab my hair so hard, I wanted to breathe free, I wanted a way out, I felt like I was about to snap.
No one would be missing me if I were gone because I didn't have any friends. I was shaking violently, the tears racked my whole entire body. What type of horrible person would say that? What kind of mother? Not one that loved their children. Not one that would ever accept their daughter. I couldn't stand it, all this pain I felt. In these big spaces, beautiful and high-rise buildings, I felt trapped in the neverending void of loneliness. If I disappeared, maybe everything would be fine. I didn't have to feel these painful feelings, I didn't have to be such a disappointment from my mother. I will finally be free.
'It means to stay true to yourself.' hearing my grandmother's voice made my heart broken even more.
Why didn't my mother look at me with pride even just a little. I have never been enough for her. My mother pressured me with everything she thought was right for me and my father just apathetic, indifferent with everything I do. As long as I stayed silent and to be an excellent daughter, even just for show. This was enough.
I grabbed my wallet, phone, t-shirt and sweatpants, then put it all in my backpack. I still have some cash if my mother blocked my credit card later. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to go somewhere, somewhere far before I made something I really regret later. I needed to find an answer. Looking at my phone, it was 7.44 pm so the last train had already passed. The earliest was still hours away. I gotta get out of this house, anywhere was fine.
From my house it took about 40 minutes to walk to the station. The night had offered silence and no warmth. There were few convenience stores and maybe I could find some PC bangs around stasion, so I could take a rest there. I felt like I wanted to go far away. I put on my sneakers and grabbed my oversized jacket and took it hurriedly leaving this tormenting house behind.
At 8.27 pm, I arrived at the convenience store near the station and I was looking for a bottle of water, a granola bar and wet wipes. I didn't want to spend any more than necessary. As I looked for PC bang, I noticed that someone was stalking me from behind. I walked faster but the person behind me faltered, like they hesitated to approach me. Then I felt something grabbing my arm.
"Prez…?!" This voice, I recognized it.
"What? You scared me…" I felt so relieved, I thought maybe something bad would happen to me. It was Lee Suhyeok. I didn't know that I felt so relieved to see him.
"I just bought some food from a convenience store. Prez, what are you doing here? It's late." Suhyeok was looking at me as if he couldn't believe it was me. He was checking out my appearance with a serious face.
"I'm just... taking a walk." I didn't want to tell him any further and I could see he didn't buy it.
"Taking a walk? At this time? And you assume me to believe you? I'm not that stupid, Prez?" His gaze looked at mine, I knew that he was hurt by my answer and didn't move from where he stood.
"Somewhere…" before I stopped myself.
"Somewhere, I don't know… just somewhere." This was bad, I felt tears pooling in my eyes, and too late for me to hide it. Why did I have to meet with him when I was in this mess. His hand on my arm tightened and his eyes hard, as if he was determined to say something to me.
"I got it. Come with me." The tightened hand on my arm loosen as he took a deep breath and pulled me toward some direction I didn't know.
"Where are we going?" I asked him while he kept holding my hand. Suhyeok kept looking at me from time to time as if he worried if I would disappear.
"Home." After some time passed, he answered my question.
What is she doing here in this hour? Is she mad? I don't care if it was someone else, but this is Choi Namra. You can't just see her anywhere, especially in this area. Alone with wild eyes and lost. I just saw something that I could barely imagine I would see someday. Sometimes I thought Choi Namra is unbreakable and cold, that's why I've always tried to see her as a normal highschool girl, and I've thought whenever I talked to her like that, something bright was visible in her eyes even if for only a second.
Namra seemed too stune with her surroundings. It might be her first time in this neighborhood. Unlike her high-rise building, my apartment complex is in a small neighborhood, it was just a typical middle class apartment with a dull exterior but this has been my home for years.
"Come on in." I opened the door for her and gestured to her to come in. She hesitated to follow me, I bet she never once did this kind of thing. After some moments she looked at me and stepped inside.
"Is this really okay? I…" I patiently waited for her to continue to speak. But she just looked down and she seemed to be at a loss for words.
"It's okay. Don't worry about it. Just sit wherever you like." I said to her as I walked to the kitchen, I was checking if there were any leftovers for tonight. Spicy stir fried pork, some pickled radish and three instant jajangmyeon that I bought from a convenience store. I saw her put the backpack on the ground and she sat in the dining room. Never in my wildest dreams did Choi Namra come to my house and sit in my dining room, looking so lost.
"What about your parents? I don't think they will be happy you brought me here without their permission." Her question stopped me for a second, I forgot she didn't know that I have no one with me after my grandma passed away.
"I had lived with my grandma since I was little. My mother passed away not long after she gave birth to me, and my father… he was just not in the frame." I answered her softly and I heard her gasping as she tried to stand from the chair.
"Oh… I'm so sorry, Suhyeok. It must be hard for you." Her gaze looked straight to my eyes, I could tell her words were sincere. I wouldn't have thought of her as a girl who gives empty condolences.
"It's okay." I gave her a short reply and brought some food to the table. Questions could wait for a while.
Namra didn't eat so much, just some pork, kimchi and six mouthfuls of jajangmyeon. She chewed slowly, drank slowly. I've always imagined her to be graceful to anything she did and now I know it's true.
"So, what happened to you?" Finally I asked her.
"I… ran away from home." She answered with her head down, as if she felt ashamed that I would judge her.
"Why?" She lifted her head, grabbed her arm and leaned back to the chair.
"I have enough for my mom. My father is just indifferent to me all the time as long as I just act like a perfect daughter, but my mom… she has been taking control of my life since I was little, she said if I didn't come to her expectations I could just disappear. So I have enough." Stunned with her story, I couldn't find a word to respond to her. I took a good look at her, I knew that was more than that, but I was afraid she wouldn't tell me more than that. How could a mother say hurtful words for someone like Choi Namra.
I know that I have fallen in love with her for a while. She looked like a Goddess to me, even though she never talked to me at first, she seemed indifferent to her classmates, I knew that she always tried her best to live her life. She always had the kind of bored look on hers when I saw her in the class, as if she can't wait to pass and be free. That was why she appeared to be cold and apathetic.
The first time I saw her was during the opening ceremony at the school gymnasium. She was sitting in the front row of the room among the other students and waiting for the ceremony to begin. Dark long hair with graceful posture, I couldn't see her face that time so I leaned forward to get a better view, my eyes never leaving her frame. And then, I saw the other things, she wore earphones like she wanted to close off her surroundings. Delicate features showed as she tilted her head, and when she finally gave her speech at the podium with back golden light, she looked so majestic to me. Such an honor student. Her brown eyes seemed to see and analyze everything. But what jolted me was her aura, every move she made exhibited confidence more than anything, a pride. She is breathtakingly beautiful. 'How could I not fall in love with her?' I thought.
The second time I met Choi Namra, when I was in the tenth grade. Not a great impression when you were covered in blood and bruised, sitting in the hallway in front of the classroom, because I had a fight with Yoon Gwinam and I couldn't go home because of the detention Teacher Lee gave me. But it was better if I didn't go home yet, looking at my appearance my grandma would be so sad and worried. I heard someone walk down the hallway to the classroom. As I gave it a glance I saw white shoes and the figure of Choi Namra. She came inside the classroom and took her backpack, then I felt a lingering presence on my right side.
"Take this…" She said to me as I glanced up to her. She bore a blank expression and I saw she gave me wet wipes and a package of bandages. I was still stunned by the way she suddenly talked to me.
"You don't want it?" Asked her, unsure. She seemed to want to pull it back to her backpack.
"Sorry! I want it. Thank you." Hurriedly I grabbed the wet wipes and bandages and I saw her give me a small smile. Just a second but she smiled at me.
"No need." She told me, looking straight at me. Choi Namra didn't give a kindness for show, she's cold and indifferent. Her world has always been shutting out from others, but this time she shows small kindness that she is capable of to me. That was the time I fell in love with her for the second time.
"So, what's your plan for now?" I asked her.
"Go somewhere far… I don't know… maybe, Jeonju? I think I will go to Jeonju." She answered me and when I looked into her eyes, I knew that she was serious.
"Why Jeonju out of all places?" I curiously asked her.
"It's where my grandmother is." A small smile painted down her lips, with a soft and gentle gaze she looked at me with something precious. I forgot she could be so beautiful. Just a moment, then she went back to mask her emotion.
"I got it. I'll go with you to Jeonju." What came to me so suddenly that I have to make this rush decision, I just knew that I wouldn't want to leave her alone. I would go wherever she goes.
"This has nothing to do with you. You don't have to do that." Namra told me she didn't want me to go with her, but she couldn't stop me as I wouldn't stop her.
"You can tell me what to do, but that doesn't mean I have to obey your words. If I tell you don't go, you won't just obey mine, do you?" I was talking back to her, I saw her eyes twitch, it was funny I could see many emotions on her face.
"Of course not."
"Then, it settles." I gave her my triumphant smile. From afar, then that was how I saw her, always from afar before I had some courage to talk to you. During school, through the halls, in our classes, there was always the distance that kept us apart. I would hold onto these memories as tightly as I can, grasping at them wildly with these fingers while praying they wouldn't slip away and cherish them for the rest of my life.
"Two tickets to Jeonju, please." I said to the train station staff and took the ticket, giving it to Suhyeok. So, he really did come with me to Jeonju. I didn't know what was the deal he had but I thought Suhyeok wasn't the type of someone that will take advantage of you, especially when you are at your lowest moment.
"Are you really sure about this? I'll go alone." I said that to him.
"I am. Can we go now?" He answered me nonchalantly.
"Fine." There was no point arguing with him.
We were going to go to my grandmother's house. I couldn't believe that I'm going on a trip with Lee Suhyeok. We were not even close to each other. Just a classmate, but he did that for me.
The thought of my grandmother made me reminisce about all my childhood memories. There was a happy time when I could be anything I wanted. My most favorite place has always been my grandmother’s house. I have always loved my grandmother’s house because it made me feel safe and warm. There was a smell of any kind of pickled vegetables in the air at all times. It seemed like all my grandmother did was make kimchi and cook. The house was old and she lived in it most of her life. The house was brown and white with black trimming, but most of the paint was chipped away on the back porch. In the summer, I would play in the garden behind the house and eat watermelon. When night fell, I would run around and catch fireflies. It was such a short period of time, but unconsciously it happened to be the reason I finally wanted to stay true.
We sat on the left side of the train, it was such a comfortable silence. Being with Suhyeok was easy, he didn't make small talk, he was just there. Time passed slowly for me, the minutes blurred together and I found comfort oddly as we rode the train together in the late morning. Something happened spontaneously like it was in these moments, I couldn't help but wonder why he did all of this. No one has ever done it for me before, it was almost like it's okay to hope. It was okay to want some reassurances by the possibilities of what might be and could happen. As I slowly put my gaze to him, he stared up at the silver light that illuminated my window. It was glowing with a warm hue, I never knew that from this side it gave his feature a breathtaking look.
"Have you ever felt lonely?" I finally asked Suhyeok what I thought yesterday. How could he bear the emptiness that filled him.
"I'm not lonely. Maybe at first, but I got used to it." Suhyeok answered me truthfully, as if he has always known that everything will be fine.
"But, what if you are?" I asked him again, because I couldn't believe it until he reassured me.
"I used to mark my lonely days in my mind one by one. But I remembered my grandma's words. She said that sometimes there will always be a hole in our heart that will fill with emptiness. The only way to fill it is to try to protect someone that is most precious to us. So we can look forward to looking after them. And when we see them filled with happiness, the emptiness will be gone little by little." It was true, something in his eyes told me that he lived his day to the fullest. There was no loneliness in Suhyeok's heart. I envied him.
"So, have you found it? The one that you want to protect?" I asked him curiously. Whoever it is, how lucky they are.
Lee Suhyeok never answered my question. He just laughed and shook his head as if all was funny to him, that annoyed me.
"We still have 20 minutes until we arrive at Jeonju. Let's rest." He told me while he closed his eyes.
"I never ask, but have you ever wanted to talk to your parents? I don't have one so I don't know. Some parents might want to listen to their children, right?" Suhyeok talked to me while we walked out of the station. He sometimes grabbed my hand when I bumped into people. He was a kind person, taking care of other people seemed like second nature for him.
"They won't listen to me." I answered him shortly.
"Is that so?" He asked me again as if he missed my words.
"That's why I want to see my grandmother. She is the only one that would still love me for what I am… I'm sure she will listen to me." It came again, the painful feeling in my chest. Knowing that even my parents didn't really love me was so sad.
"Hey, Prez … don't ever think like that." Suhyeok grabbed my arm and tightened his grip. He sounded wistful, why did he look like that?
"Let's stop by the convenience store first." He still looked at me like that, like something in his mind kept bothering him.
While I already bought everything, Suhyeok just stood there, his hands in his pockets and he looked at me rather melancholy with breezes blowing at his face. The winter started to come, it was cold. We took the bus to my grandmother's place, it was about a 20 minutes ride. Suhyeok has been silent since then.
"What's wrong?" I asked him. He then sighed and leaned to my side. He sat down beside me calmly and swiftly in just one move.
"Prez… you're loved." It was like my surroundings had stopped. Those three words. It was just three words and yet the way he said it, it was full of meaning. It was just that and yet as if those words carried all his emotions to me, telling me what he has been feeling all along. Those words said it all.
I finally dared to look at him, his face was gentle with a gaze that was full of emotion. He whispered loud enough to only let me hear.
"It's okay, Prez …" I remained quiet, then I just turned my head to face the window once again. I smiled a bit, laughing at myself and tried to believe his kind words.
"It's just around the corner. Not far from here."
We arrived at the bus stop in the afternoon and the sun was still shining, and there was no wind, just some clouds in sight. The gentle light illuminated this road, there was no car or any transportation nearby. It was just us walking silently side by side.
"What kind of person your grandmother is?" I asked her curiously. Looking back on the way she talked about her grandmother, she was kind of an incredible person.
"Grandmother is amazing." Answered her shortly. But if she said so, that would be true.
"What do you want to do if you see her? I mean, we come all the way to Jeonju."
"I would like to short some things out. There's something I'd like to ask her."
"And what is that?"
"My mother …"
"And?"
"I don't know yet."
"It's okay. You'll figure it out later. I'm sure."
"How did you know?"
"Just because…" Then, she laughed at me. Her entire face lit up beautifully, I couldn't take my eyes off her.
Sometimes, when I looked into her eyes, I could see a whole other world in there, how the world reflected through your eyes. they didn't know the way you see it and you never share it with anyone. It made me wonder how she looked at me, what kind of person I am in her eyes.
"You're amazing…" She told me that with a soft smile, eyes so gentle that made my heart flutter. I felt my heartbeat hammering through my chest, I heard it in my ears. I felt like my world was sweeping out beneath me and my breath caught.
"Not really…" 'Damn, I got it bad.'
We continued walking together, mostly in silence as Namra seemed to enjoy our surroundings until her grandmother's house came in sight. We arrived in front of a small and simple Hanok house, the door opened to reveal a woman with long dark dark haired, with slightly grey hair on some spots and she tied her hair into a low ponytail and she had a pair of brown eyes as she wore a simple cream dress.
Namra's step was halted in the middle. I took a glance at her then broke off to the woman I just saw. Namra headed towards that house. I noticed her emotion came to the surface as her expression was sadder than ever.
"Grandmother…" She called that elderly woman so softly, then she ran over her and hugged her tightly.
"My dear God, Namra… What's wrong my dearest? How did you get here? Is everything alright?" Her grandmother asked her, but Namra was still clutching her shoulder. With those words said, the tears began to fall harder. It was like the tears didn't want to listen. Two women were holding each other, the grandmother looking so confused and worried, and for Namra, she was just there muttering that she was sorry all over for so long, crying her heart out. I just stunned, unable to move from where I stood.
'I want to protect her.' that was my thought when I first saw her at opening ceremony, that was my thought when she gave me wet wipes and bandages, with kindness that everyone else failed to see, that was my thought when I found her walking mindlessly in unfamiliar neighborhood by herself, that was my thought when I heard her painful cried, broke down, helding her grandmother for dear life.
'I want to protect her. I just want to be with her. No matter what, I want to stay by her side.'