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When the captain—Jim—had told Spock one day over chess in his quarters, shortly after the final dissolution of his relationship with Nyota, that he viewed his feelings for Spock as more than just friendship, Spock had been…startled.
He had never imagined Jim felt that way about him. Later after he discussed it with Nyota, with whom he had remained close, she had told him that she hadn’t been surprised at all. She had seen the way Jim looked at him for some time and she saw the love.
“I…”
Jim, whose gaze had been on him, lowered his eyes to the chess set. He could see the disappointment there, the sorrow, at the lack of response from Spock, but Spock could not make himself respond. He had no response. Such a thing, with his captain, had simply never entered his mind.
“Jim, I do not wish to lose our friendship.”
Jim smiled slightly, but he did not look up.
“Nah, you won’t,” Jim said, with a small shrug. “We’re good, Spock. Don’t worry about it.”
For a time, Spock did not worry about it, believing Jim meant what he said and that there were no consequences of his inability to return Jim’s romantic feelings.
But after a time, he began to notice small changes in Jim’s behavior and thus their friendship.
The strange thing had been, after Jim’s demise when Spock had assumed their friendship would grow, instead Jim had pulled away.
He had found himself asking McCoy about it.
“Jim is different,” the doctor had agreed. “More reserved.” He shrugged. “Maybe dying changes a man. Can’t say as I’ve never died.”
“It is unnecessary to be flippant, doctor. It is a mere inquiry.”
“Honestly, Spock, it might seem I was trying to be flippant but I wasn’t. I have noticed a little change in Jim, but I can’t explain it in precise terms.”
“Does he make excuses to avoid interacting with you other than for formal business?”
McCoy frowned. “No. Does he do that with you?”
“Yes. Small things and often I am spending time with Nyota anyway, but it is…interesting.”
After that, Spock began to make decisions about returning to New Vulcan and leaving Starfleet. He had ended his relationship with Nyota. Then everything had occurred with Krall.
Ultimately, when they’d gone back out on the rebuilt Enterprise, Jim had been friendly again, inviting Spock for chess and other social pursuits, and Spock had been relieved.
Until his confession of his romantic feelings for Spock.
It was after Jim began to change their friendship after Spock’s lack of reciprocation that Spock asked Nyota if she had noticed Jim’s attraction to Spock.
“Kirk? Oh yes. I’d have to be blind not to notice he looks at you differently than he does anyone else.” Nyota pursed her lips. “He has for some time now that you mention it and I think about it. He told you?”
“He did during a chess game.”
“Hmm. I’m surprised he admitted it, not that it’s true. He’s changed in the last few years as captain. He’s not as…exuberant? Not sure that’s the right word. But he has matured a lot and keeps a lot to himself. More than he used to.” She watched him over the rim of her teacup. “What did you say when he told you?”
“I gave no response,” Spock admitted. “I was surprised and was uncertain what was expected of me.”
“I see. So, uh, you don’t have feelings for him?”
“I value our friendship.”
Nyota raised her brows at that, but did not comment.
“After a moment, the captain advised that we would not lose our friendship after I expressed my regret if we did.”
She sighed. “Oh, Spock.”
After that Spock went back to his quarters with a renewed sense of confusion. He suspected Nyota thought he was missing something and perhaps he was.
Jim went back to the cool, reserved way he was after his revival, avoiding any offers of spending social time with Spock. No matter how often and how Spock asked, he was soundly rejected.
He suspected Jim did not think he was being harsh with his rejections, because he always smiled and pretended it was no big deal and tried to be coolly casual. Others might have been fooled but Spock was not.
When there was a planned visit to Jupitar V, the captain almost left Spock off the landing party, but Spock had insisted.
“As your science officer, it is imperative that I take part as certain scientific discoveries pertinent to—"
“Okay, Spock. You win. You can be there.” Jim spoke wearily and had pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked quite tired actually.
“Captain, perhaps you should, as you would say, sit this one out and leave the leadership of the away team to me.”
Jim had looked at him in that hard, cool way he had been lately, his blue eyes free of all merriment. “It’s a diplomatic mission, Commander. I am required to be there for negotiations.”
Spock had nearly forgotten that and if that didn’t tell Spock there was something not quite right with himself, he did not know what would.
When the mission was over, he would need to discuss the situation with his captain. They could not go on like this.
Everything began all right. Jupitar V was an attractive planet. Mountains, forests, beaches. Similar to Earth.
There was even talk of allowing Starfleet ships to indulge in shore leave there.
The glitch in it all was the President of the planet. William Thackerage. He was Humanoid, being half Terran and half Jupitarian. He was tall and muscular with the striking blue-white hair of his people, which he kept long, flowing down below his shoulders. He wore a silver headdress that seemed to complement his hair and his violet eyes. The entire away team had been smitten with him, frankly.
But in particular, their captain had, and Thackerage had been equally smitten with Jim. They had long conversations where Thackerage kept his head bowed low and close to Jim as they spoke. At one point his hand had found its way to Jim’s leg and had not left since.
Spock had not experienced jealousy very often. Perhaps he could admit the appearance of Carol Marcus on their mission during the disastrous mission her father had sent them on had caused him some measure of jealousy. But over the idea that his scientific skills were not enough.
This time, there was something more going on. Spock recognized it. He did not want Jim to copulate with Thackerage, but it was quite plain that the President desired exactly that of Jim.
As the evening began to wind down and preparations were made for the landing party’s overnight accommodations, Spock managed to get a moment alone with the captain.
“Captain, I believe it would be desirable for the party to share one room between us.”
Jim frowned. “Yeah? Why?”
“We don’t know all the possible situations we could find ourselves in, some could be dangerous, and to be separated—”
Jim laughed and patted Spock’s shoulder in a most conciliatory way. “I’m pretty sure this place is safe. I’ve got to get back to Will.”
Spock blinked. “Will?”
“Yeah, you know, the President. I’m seeing him tonight. Look, I’ll see you in the morning. Will says his vice has the accommodation assignments, so just go check with her.”
Spock put a hand on Jim’s arm to stop his forward moment. “Seeing him?”
“Right,” Jim answered easily. “Privately.”
“Captain, may I remind you that you are on a diplomatic mission for Starfleet.”
“I know. And I’m in negotiations. And right now, I am currently off duty and can spend my time as I want.” His smile was firmly in place. “Okay, Commander?”
Jim didn’t wait for Spock’s response, but instead turned away and began to walk to where Thackerage awaited.
The remainder of the away team approached Spock’s position, Nyota among them.
She frowned. “Spock, is something wrong?”
He took a step forward, ignoring her, and everyone else. The beat of his heart roared in his ears. It was deafening.
“Captain, stop.”
Jim turned around and stared at him, eyes wide. “Mister Spock—”
“Your feelings are returned,” Spock blurted out. He felt lightheaded. And as if he wished he would be swallowed up by some enormous crater on Jupitar V.
He couldn’t have said what he expected Jim to say to his confession, but for Jim to turn his back to Spock and join William Thackerage by the exit doors was not it. As he watched they left the conference building and Jim never looked back.
Spock became aware that everyone else there continued to gawk at him. He’d never been so mortified in his life.
“Spock,” Nyota said, softly from beside him. “Come on, let’s go to our rooms.”
He allowed himself to led away by Nyota.
“I am shaking.”
Nyota linked her arm with his.
“I think you’re having a bit of a breakdown due to excessive emotional turmoil. You need to rest. It’ll look better in the morning.”
“But the captain—"
“Can take care of himself. I’m worried about you, Spock. Let’s get you settled.”
Some time in the night, Spock woke. He was shocked to find that Jim sat in a chair beside his bed, watching him.
“Jim,” he whispered.
Jim smiled crookedly. “Helluva time to say what you did, Spock.”
“Yes,” he acknowledged. “Quite inopportune.”
Jim’s gaze raked over him. “Did you mean it? Is it true?”
“If you are here, you most certainly know that it is.” Spock blinked to remove the remaining haze of sleep from his mind. “Where is William Thackerage?”
“In his bed asleep, I imagine.” Jim looked around the room. “Did you-did you have alcohol?”
Spock spotted the liquor bottles strewn about the place. “Yes. Nyota and I finished a few bottles before we went to sleep.”
Jim snorted. “I think she’s actually passed out.”
Spock sat up and saw Nyota’s prone body lying on a plush blanket with another wrapped over her.
"She was on the hard floor but I did manage to get her some blankets and soft stuff under her,” Jim explained. “You guys drank a lot.”
“It was her suggestion to relax us both. She is aware it does not have quite the same effect on me as it does her, but I am part Human. Is she all right?”
“Sure. She might have a bitch of a headache in the morning though.” Jim reached for his hand and Spock willingly took it. Laced their fingers together. Stared into those blue eyes, probably looking more than a little like a sap, Spock thought.
“I am relieved you did not participate in sexual congress with President Thackerage.” At Jim’s answering smile, Spock said quickly, “You did not, did you?”
Jim laughed softly. “No, Spock. How could I?”
Spock exhaled. “I had hoped you could not. I am sorry, Jim.”
“For what now, Mister Spock?”
“My inability to see what was right in front of my nose.”
Jim laughed again. “Well, okay. But, maybe we’re both a little thick sometimes.”
Spock felt suddenly shy as he looked at their linked hands. “Did you…how long have you loved me?”
“I tried to tell you in the warp core.”
He sucked in a breath. “After you revived, at first we seemed to become closer, but then when you were released from the hospital, it changed. Was it because of that?”
“Yeah. I mean, I thought, you seemed to get it in the chamber even though I didn’t get to say it, and then you got Khan’s blood for the serum, and the way you got it, I expected…well anyway, it doesn’t matter.”
“You thought I would express then my romantic feelings,” Spock made the supposition.
“I hoped, yes. But you didn’t and you were with Nyota and it hurt. It took me some time to get over that.”
Spock’s gaze rose and remained steadily locked with Jim’s. “I have been a fool, Jim. But no more. I am glad that I realized my love for you and came to my senses no matter my ill-timed announcement.”
Jim moved from his chair to sit on the edge of the bed with Spock. He leaned over and softly kissed Spock’s lips. Spock closed his eyes at the touch of his beloved’s mouth.
“Perhaps not so ill-timed,” Jim said. “You prevented me from an error of judgment.”
“Thackerage.”
“Yeah. I’d much rather have you.” Jim kissed him again. Then glanced at Nyota. “Not now obviously.”
“Obviously,” Spock agreed. “But if you wish to sleep beside me, I will happily move over.”
And Spock did. Jim slept beside him, for the first of many nights to come.