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Published:
2022-02-22
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2022-10-01
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Kyber Crystal 101: The Jedi's Secret

Summary:

If one reads some funny crackfics and then has some ideas... expect more crack.

____

The Jedi have guarded a certain secret very well for centuries. Cody does need some bleach to clean his brain after finding out. And a therapist....

Seriously. He's not joking.

Notes:

Warnings:

This is crack on crack. This work was merely intended to be fun. Also maybe buy some bleach. You might need it.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Honestly, Cody had been aware that the Jedi just like any other sentient being weren't some abstinent monks, who never had sex. 

He knew his General also enjoyed his time with the Duchess Kryze, whenever they happened to pass by Mandalore.

But he never expected the scene, that greeted him when he entered Obi-Wan's quarters to pick him up for late meal like usually.

"What the kriff"

The general was moaning in pleasure as he kept shoving his lightsabre into his... butthole.

The same lightsabre Cody had picked up quite a few times, when it got lost along the way.

Also the same lightsabre, that was capable to cut through almost everything, especially humans.

And the general... was...

"Why are you shoving a kriffin' lightsabre up your ass, General?!"

It was at that moment the Jedi noticed him, having apparently lost too deep in his own pleasure. As he answered he simply smiled.

"You already have answered the question yourself, Cody."

"... what..."

Obi-Wan then... Pulled out his lightsabre from... where it was before and fully turned towards him.

"And please be more respectful do my darling Jan. He doesn't like to be addressed as an object."

He was done. There was no way the Jedi had any common sense or sanity.

"Where can I get bleach for my brain?" 

Chapter 2: Palpatine finds out

Summary:

Anakin and Palpatine talk about many things. Apparently the sith didn't know about certain details concerning Kyber Crystals.

Notes:

Don't judge me, this is a great idea. I've warned you enough in my tags and summary to stay away if you don't want to imagine certain things.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Palpatine considered himself as a good friend to the young Padawan Skywalker. He had ensured that their friendship became this way.

 

Yet, during one of their talks in his office at the senate building, Palpatine thought he might have misheard the young man.

 

"What did you just say? I believe my old age must have made my hearing bad."

 

Suddenly Skywalker's face turned a deep shade of red, instantly becoming aware what he just had shared.

 

"I am not supposed to tell you this-"

 

"Don't worry, Anakin. You don't have to and even if you do, I'll honour your trust and not spread any secret you might entrust me with."

 

Especially since nobody would believe him anyways, that the wise and serene Jedi had apparently a special interest for their weapons.

 

The padawan shuffled a little bit nervous in his seat. Then, upon the encouraging look Palpatine gave him, he spoke up again.

 

"We had a class this week, where Master Nu taught us how to correctly handle a lightsabre in any situation, such as sexual arousment as well, considering the Kyber Crystals within are sentient. She didn't leave out how to use our sabres for penetration."

 

"This must have been pretty horrifying for a Padawan at your young age to find out."

 

"Honestly, it wasn't bad at all. I am happy she did the class, because it explained so much. And Ben has been asking me for a while for some more exciting action than mere stroking."

 

He didn't want to know nor imagine the kid's sex life with the lightsabre, but being a Sith meant to know everything about his enemies and his possible future apprentice. 

 

"May I ask, who is Ben?" 

 

In that moment the boy forgot his nervousness and immediately lighted up with joy. 

 

"Of course", he exclaimed as he unclipped his lightsabre and showed it to him, "Let me introduce, Ben, that's my friend Chancellor Palpatine, Chancellor, this is my lightsabre Ben." 

 

Never had he felt more disgusted in his life. 

 

Yet he offered what could be taken for an honest smile. 

 

"Hello Ben, it is nice to meet you."

 

Their meeting ended shortly after that, as apparently 'Ben' had his own opinions of the Chancellor and therefore didn't like even being in his presence, once Anakin had made him aware of the sabre's sentience. 

 

That was certainly a problem. But he'll deal with it later. 

 

As he was alone in his office and any sort of recording devices turned off, Palpatine took out his own sabre, reaching out to the bleed Kyber to feel for any sort of sentience. 

 

'She' did not appreciate it and pushed back with great prejudice. 

 

Yes, Palpatine was surely not stupid enough to take that thing anywhere near to his genitalia. He didn't plan on dying anytime soon.

 

Notes:

No hot lightsabre sex for Palpatine. Sadly. it certainly would solve some galactic problems.

On the other hand, Feral is quite content that her holder isn't interested as well.

He doesn't have a great physique and with his past behaviour he would certainly not make a good lover.

 

(pls leave some comments 🥺)

Chapter 3: Apparently liking Lightsabre sex is a prerequisite to become Mand'alor.

Summary:

Nobody had informed Tor Viszla about the matter that:

1) Lightsabres were actually sentient

2) Which meant they also had sexual preferences for whatever reason.

3) All Jetiise seemed to possess only one tortured braincell, including his ancestor, Mand'alor Tarre Viszla, because all off them apparently kriffed with their lightsabres

4).... Which also Mea- NOPE HE'S NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT HOW THE SABRE- Damn... It's already too late. He's going to need a mind healer for that.

5) Apparently all Mand'alore had at one point kriffed with the darksabre, ever since Aja became a part of the prerequisites of ascending to the rule

Notes:

Tor's mood during this chapter: Fuck this shit, I'm out

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

A few decades ago th
A few decades ago the Mandalorian Civil War stopped even before it ever begun, as Tor Viszla decided after only one night of possessing his ancestor's Lightsabre, that it wasn't worth it.

He didn't need to listen to 'Aja' moaning about his ancestor's sexual prowess and her desire to be satisfied, as she had been laying around centuries untouched.

If becoming Mand'alor meant to become absolutely nuts like the Jetiise, Tor was certainly not going to be a part of it and would happily just continue to be the simple verd he was.

On the very next day, he searched for the dikut, who had expressed his own desire to become Mand'alor.

If he wanted to be Mand'alor so much, then he also should deal with the fucking sex crazed Lightsabre, that his predecessor Mand'alor Tarre Viszla, had left behind.

Although Tor may have not expressed said sentiment out loud, when he threw the Sabre at Jaster Mereel, while they were in a council session Tor wasn't invited to.

And maybe Tor had left the newly crowned Mand'alor Mereel - Mand'alor he may be - behind absolutely confused at the odd delivery of Tor's gift? Tribute?

Days later Jaster would realise that it was not a gift, but a curse given to him by Tor Viszla and he would swear all the colorful insults he could until the resignation would settle in, that since Viszla accepted him as Mand'alor there was no way for him to get rid of Aja, until he named a successor.

And maybe... Maybe he had grown to appreciate her vast amount of knowledge she offered to share with him in exchange for some sweaty workout sessions, that weren't training exercises or fights for life and death.

Yeah... Actually Aja was quite a sweet Sabre, if one took the time to get to know her properly.

(Later on, when Jango witnessed his Buir with the darksabre in a very unfortunate position, he packed his stuff and left, only to get kidnapped by a wannabe Sith lord in order to become a template for millions of clones.

In the end neither Jaster nor Jango could decide what was more of a disaster.

Jaster's odd sexual preferences or Jango's accidental acquisition of million of children)

Notes:

so.... I thought why not. And it would be a kriffing funny reason why kyr'tsad never became an issue bc...

 

Fellow verd: I thought you wanted to become our Mand'alor Tor.

Tor: Yeah, no. I am happy where I am, as long I don't have to ever get close to the darksabre again.

Another verd: Uhm OK... That's weird.

Tor: Should you ever consider challeging Mereel over the title of Mand'alor, Ill give you some advice. Don't. Your continued sanity will thank you for it.

First verd: Now I am getting scared. What about Mereel is so ba-

Tor:Mereel isn't the issue. Just the Dha'kadau and the Force Osik the Jetiise including my Ancestor did with her.

Second verd: alright.... *confused af*

Third verd: Wait... HER?????

Chapter 4: An essay on the battle of Utapau

Summary:

Following the end of the war, any records of the battle on Utapau were mostly redacted.

But after years of meetings, one author was finally allowed to publish his essay he wrote after having gained permission to study the confidential records.

Notes:

Basically it is a rewritten version of last chapter's comment thread.

And it is even more crack than the previous chapters, featuring a quite ... Charming "Negotiator" who goes by the name Obi-Wan Kenobi and a proud collector of lightsabres....

Yes.

This is the crack reinterpretation of Utapau's "Hello There" you are thinking of.

Cody also has not enough bleach for his brothers.....

Chapter Text

It was supposed to be a simple essay, Jake thought to himself.

A simple essay about the end of the intergalactic civil war nobody had written about yet.

The end of the war, that was for some reason heavily classified by all concerned parties and the Chancellor himself.

Not the sith one. Chancellor Organa. The good one.

Long may the sith stay dead.

The only public information Jake was able to scrape up for his essay was, that the 212th under General Obi-Wan Kenobi's command had confronted General Grievous droids on Utapau.

And that somehow General Kenobi had bested General Grievous in a duel of some kind? It was unclear what kind of duel.

Which was certainly strange, as boths' preferred weapons of choice were lightsabre. Shouldn't it be therefore a lightsabre duel, especially since both combatants were known for their proficiency in that fighting style?

But no. Apparently no lightsabre duel and at the same time kind of?

Jake couldn't get a clear answer of the sources he had reached out to about that matter. Everybody just told him to go 'read the records yourself, shabuir'.

He had a feeling, that his sources didn't like his questioning very much. Or even bringing up the battle of Utapau.

When he reached out to the Head Archivist of the temple's archives, he was told to book an appointment with the council of first knowledge.

Nothing else. 

So he did.

He had to wait for a whole month for the meeting. He plead his case and went of about the historical importance the ending of the war had.

When one of the masters accompanied him to the Jedi High council, Jake wondered truly, if it was worth the work of getting access to the records of the Battle of Utapau.

He was warned and yet none of the Jedi seemed overly concerned with his request. Some of them were even amused.

Which honestly both calmed down Jake's worries and made him concerned even more about the secrets he might discover in these confidential records.

He then had a booked appointment with a therapist.

For some reason having a therapist to consult in crisis was a prerequisite, that Chancellor Organa himself had demanded. 

His new therapist Jo-Merui was just as confused as Jake about the whole time consuming process, but agreed to support Jake for whatever might await him.

Then, he had to wait another month before he was allowed to meet the current head of the GAR, Clone General Cody Kenobi, who was already famous for his own participation in the war as General Obi-Wan Kenobi's Clone Commander.

They had not a long talk, but a very memorable one. 

And for the first time ever since Jake started this whole process of getting access to the redacted Utapau files, he felt truly scared for his sanity.

He had an emergency therapy session, where he and Jo-Merui both discussed if Jake still thought it was worth to proceed with his journey.

Which brought Jake to the conclusion, that he was the curious tooka in the metaphor and the files would probably cause his metaphorical death in a way, since by now it was far too late to just stop and write about something else.

It took him several months of sweet talking some senators and the Jedi Masters he had met back at the temple to finally get an appointment with Chancellor Bail Organa, which certainly was a surprise for Jake despite his hard work.

After all one simple man was not granted the chance to speak with one of the most powerful leaders in the galaxy everyday.

Talking with Chancellor Organa... was certainly an experience Jake could never regret. The man was even better than the media portrayed him, truly caring about people and their lifes.

The chancellor was doing his job out of his love for the people and for idealistic dreams of a better future for everybody, instead for the prestige and the money that came with such a position as chancellor.

He asked Jake even why he didn't stop despite all the trouble to get the permission to access the unretracted Utapau files and why he even wanted to write the essay despite all the warnings he was given.

"Honestly, sir - I mean chancellor- by now I can't stop wondering, what has the Jedi so unconcerned and amused, but all other parties I questioned - especially witnesses of Utapau - so utterly concerned for my sanity, that everyone besides the Jedi tells me to forget Utapau."

"Utapau is... An event, that I can not even put into words and will refuse to ever describe it myself, due it's shocking uniqueness. An uniqueness, that is difficult for anyone brought up outside of the Jedis' beliefs to comprehend. It will be a challenge for you to accept what you may learn as truth and realign your own worldview to accommodate the events of Utapau and the implications of them with what you already know especially about the Jedi. This is also the reason, why only the Jedi seemed unconcerned."

"So basically you tell me that this will change how I see the Jedi fundamentally."

"Yes."

"Are they criminals?"

"Are they imprisoned?"

"No. So do you grant me access to the Utapau files?"

"Yes. I can not save you from your own stubbornness after all."

"Thank you, chancellor."

"Just promise me, that you'll see your therapist after having studied the records of Utapau."

"I will."

______

 

The Battle of Utapau is one, that many in the galaxy are scratching their heads about, as the end of the war came to such a sudden and yet mysterious conclusion.

Not much is known by the public with certainty of this battle, besides of the participants and the location.

The place of the battle was, as it is already obvious by the name it was given, on the planet Utapau. Located on the planet Utapau was the secret base of General Grievous, one of the two main leaders of the CIS' army during the intergalactic civil war between the Republic and the Separatists.

At the time of the battle Count Dooku was already executed by the Hero without Fear, General Skywalker, personally, which made General Grievous the only remaining General capable of leading the battalions of droids under his command.

When the 212th battalion of the GAR under General Obi-Wan Kenobi's command finally became aware of the location of General Grievous secret hideout, they had set of for one final battle on Utapau.

It was during said battle, when the General had left his battalion under the Command of Clone Commander Cody Kenobi*, who has been afterwards granted the rank of his superior, when the Jedis left their posts in the GAR with the end of the war.

General Obi-Wan Kenobi had gone to confront General Grievous on his own.

This is the point, where any further records got redacted completely. I, Jake Ferrik, only gained access to the confidential records throughout a lengthy process of asking any concerned parties for written permissions, before I was allowed those records myself in the archives of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.

It took me two years of therapy and three years of continued meetings with representatives of the GAR, Public Relations officials of the senate and the chancellor himself to gain permission to publish this essay to the public.

The Jedi High Council gave me permission to publish this essay the very first time I asked with great laughter, which lead me to believe, that all of them must be crazy.

Picking up, where I left of....

General Obi-Wan Kenobi went off on his own to confront General Grievous with a surprise attack. 

Records of security cameras, that were recovered after the end of the battle, show, that General Grievous was at the time alone in his office, while any droid with enough processing power had vacated the building to fight off the clones outside - and probably avoid witnessing whatever their General was doing in his office.

Now, to understand the following events, one has first to know certain facts the Jedi had chosen to keep to themselves during the last few millennia.

Kyber Crystals are imbued with the Force and therefore actually fully sentient. But they can not communicate with Force-Nulls, as their way of communicating is through the Force, similar to the ways Masters communicate with their students through a crafted bond, unseen even to a keen eye.

As fully sentient beings Kyber Crystals also possess a consciousness with urges and preferences, which is a hard truth difficult for anyone to accept, who has never learned the mysterious ways of the force like the Jedi and cannot sense it due to being not sensitive to the force.

Now with those two facts of the Kyber Crystals revealed, there comes an odd conclusion - if Kyber Crystals are sentient, possess consciousness, have urges and preferences, do they also feel a need to be close to other living beings, both platonically as well as sexually? Maybe even romantically? And literally?

Yes, they do.

And the Jedi are not only absolutely aware of those facts, but actively engage such relationships with their chosen weapons. In all ways you probably think about.

General Grievous became aware of this as well. As avid collector of lightsabres he then ensured his collection was well maintained, even thought multiple Jedi Masters are still fighting about how he managed proper communication with his Sabres without having one bit of Force sensitivity himself.

It was during one of such maintenance sessions - or as Grandmaster Yoda of the Order described it as "greatest lightsabre orgy in recent history, it was. Wish I do, that missed it I had not" - that General Obi-Wan Kenobi confronted General Grievous alone in his office in the secret hideout on the planet Utapau, while both the droid and clone forces were fighting outside.

General Kenobi then joined the maintenance session, while under the command of Commander Cody Kenobi* the 212th achieved a victory over the droids, whose only motivation at this point to defend their base was to "avoid witnessing yet another orgy of General Grievous shoving highly lethal weapons in any openings he has left, while moaning loudly full of pleasure" according to the tactical droids, that were interrogated in the aftermath of the battle by Clone Medic Kix Kenobi* of the 212th. 

As the battle outside had ended, General Obi-Wan Kenobi had still yet to return.

But he was still tied up in some seriously sweaty negotiations with General Grievous, which his second in command Clone Commander Cody Kenobi was not aware of.

So he and a group of fellow clones** left to follow their General Kenobi into the hideout.

When they finally founded General Obi-Wan Kenobi, they witnessed both him and General Grievous fighting another in a duel, while negotiating the terms of CIS' surrender throughout death threats and flirting, before General Grievous lost the 5th time around both the duel and negotiation concerning space routes in Separatist territory, which allowed General Kenobi to dominate their 7th round of their ongoing orgy in front of the group of witnesses.

It took four more negotiations and two more duels, until General Obi-Wan Kenobi had achieved the complete surrender of the Separatist movement and capture of General Grievous, who was imprisoned together with his complete collection of lightsabres.

Whether Master Obi-Wan Kenobi is still visiting General Grievous in prison is unclear, even though according to statements of General Grievous' prison guards "Master Kenobi and Master Yoda are prohibited to even come close to the whole prison complex for the sake of our sanity. As time proceeds, the list of Jedi Masters prohibited from seeing General Grievous will probably grow even longer".

In conclusion of the recounts of the Battle of Utapau it should be remembered to treat any lightsabre one comes across with great care as they are sentient beings and one wouldn't know where those sabres had been before.

General Cody Kenobi even enacted the 'Nutcase Prime Lightsabre Protocoll' for all members of the GAR to follow, should they ever come into the possession of a lightsabre.

____

"Hello Jo-Merui. It is good to see you again."

"Hello Jake. You published your essay?"

"Yes."

"Do you regret it?"

"It is complicated."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Only if you have the netragaal ready, that you promised me."

"I have it."

"Then let's talk."

 

________

Meanwhile somewhere in a prison cell.

 

"Greetings General Grievous. Continue our duel where left of last time, we shall?"

"It would be my greatest pleasure, Master Yoda!"

It was a duel of several ways. Verbal, physical ... And the sweaty one.

Recordings of that night were deleted later on.

 

_____

Outside of the cell, a prison guard came back to consciousness and groaned.

"I am not getting paid enough for this."

Chapter 5: unicorns exist

Summary:

Maul Hates Obi-Wan, because he cut his lower half.

Including Mini-Maul.

Notes:

Sooo... Savage has some thoughts about his brother.

Yeah. That's it.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Savage originally believed, that it was just his brother, who was absolutely insane and kriffed up in his mind, when he found out about a certain sexual preference of Maul's...

And the main reason why Maul despised that one Jedi - What's his name? Kenoouuuuuobi? Kenobi! - so much.

Now, he knew, that the galaxy was just kriffed in a way, that he would never comprehend and the Force... Well...

He would definitely stay away from any Jedi, that was clear.

And Siths' probably too, except for the nutcase that was incidentally - sadly - his brother.

At least his lightstaff possessed some sense of sanity. Savage would have otherwise not learned some ways of the sith his brother had shared with him.

He wondered sometimes, how that Sith Master of his brother would-

Nahhh. Too disgusting. He was not going to imagine that.

As he watched the sun rise at the horizon of Dathomir, Savage talked with his sabre Satine about the art of warfare. And unicorns. 

They existed. One day he would find a way to prove that.

Notes:

Basically Savage is ace. And his lightsabre Staff Satine is as well.

I may have gone too far with this cracky story.

But it is crack after all.

And yes. I named Savage's sabre Satine because of the tragic Irony

Chapter 6: Visual Demonstration

Summary:

Rex loves his General.

 

...

 

Actually he hates his General.
Also, the rumors were true.
Now, where was the bleach?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Rex hadn't seen his general since the day before yesterday. 

He knew it was their time off and that his general was probably with Senator Amidala.

But he heard some odd rumors from his vode he sadly needed to clarify as their superior. Especially since - if those rumors were true - could pose a serious threat to their Generals', Padawan Commanders' and his vode's health.

Maybe he should have also considered, that in the case the rumors were true, there was a high chance of him witnessing something very disturbing, when he forgot to knock on General Skywalker's quarter's doors....

"YES BEN! YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD SABER! DEEPER! AHHH-"

Rex immediately backed out.

At least he didn't need to verify the rumors anymore.

Still.

 

 

 


Why????

Notes:

You know, this story is a burning dumpster fire on crack.
I know, this story is a burning dumpster fire on crack.

We both know it.

Chapter 7: Playtime with Two Buire and a future Mand'alor

Summary:

Jaster wants to retire. He also wants his son to become Mand'alor.

Jango: No. I'll visit my sister and watch her children play together.

 

The children: (read this chapter to find out)

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It was late evening in Keldable, when two younglings were battling each other with wooden sticks.

They ran around laughing and impersonating different Jedis and Siths much to their buires' shared amusement. A third adult joined the two, who were already watching the ade, as one of the youngling hid behind a wall for yet another impersonation.

"Su'cuy Arla. How are the ade?"

"Energetic. And you? Is Jaster still pestering you about taking over?"

The youngling behind the wall started to climb up on it.

The adults remained unconcerned. They had seen the ade doing much more dangerous stunts.

"Don't remind me. I-"

In that moment the youngling jumped down to the other one, who somehow had found a third wooden stick. The youngling who just had jumped then shouted "Hello There!", trying his best to imitate a coruscanti accent.

The ad with the two wooden sticks then screamed "General Kenobi!!!!".

The third adult, who was not either one's buir but highly likely destined to become the next Mand'alor, unlocked the hidden skill "spontanous teleportation", leaving the buire alone midst conversation.

"Did your vod just... disappear?"

"He tends to do that whenever Jetiise are near. Or sometimes, when he sees Jaster. I really don't know what's his problem."

"But he just- he turned into literal air!"

Arla shrugged. She really did not care about the why. It was not her Problem.

 

Playtime was then over, as it was sleeptime for little ade in Keldable.

Notes:

Jango can finally teleport!

Notes:

Basically Kyber Crystals are fully sentient, their enclosure (the lightsabre parts) act like a body capable of sensing touch.

That is the reason why they are very particular who touches them.

Also Kyber Crystals do like to have some fun time as well.

And the name of Obi-Wan's sabre was very intentional for those who got the hint.