Archive of Our Own ^beta

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The fresh September breeze tumbled through the sleeping streets of Walford accompanied only by the distant rolling of wheels down pebbled back roads and the muffled voices of stall owners setting up their goods for the day. Ember light broke through cracks in the sky, providing some warmth to the streets below. An unusual sense of calm blanketed the Mitchell household. No shrill from Sharron getting Denny off to school, no mind numbing music bouncing from Louise's room, no grumbling Phil complaining about recent football results.The abnormal silence allowed Ben to appreciate some well needed rest, especially before the day that was laid out before him.

Unluckily for Ben, his navy blue curtains did little to block out the slivers of light that invaded his room and eyes. If the light didn't wake him up then the blairing noise from his phone would."What's been happening in your world" tumbled from under his pillow and shook the young man awake. In a slight panic, Ben's head shot up and his eyes darted to each corner of the room in an attempt to locate the source of the noise. Eventually he threw the pillow to the floor and silenced the deafening noise on the device.

In a blurry haze he also found his glasses on the bedside table. In an instant Ben noticed the magnet for his cochlear implant was still connected as he forgot to remove it the previous night. He silently cursed his past self for the headache that was about to come from leaving the magnet on for far too long. His body was extremely reluctant to be awake at such a time after sleeping in until midday for the past 8 weeks. The summer break had been bliss. Freedom from lessons, exams, and most importantly, secondary school twats. He could do what, and who, he wanted when he wanted and nothing had felt better but that dream had come to an end like they all do. Today was the first day of college.

Battling with his legs, Ben dragged himself out of bed and straight to the bathroom. In an attempt to wake himself up he had a cold shower and relished in the final moments of peace he had. That peace, much like the dream of the summer holiday, came crashing down with the banging of Louise on the bathroom door. "Ben!!! I need to use the shower hurry up!" The banging refused to hault. After throwing his head backwards with a sigh Ben finished up his shower and situated a towel around his waist. He insured he took extra time to brush his teeth, wash his face and sort out his hair before walking out of the bathroom with the most bitchy smile he could muster. Lou continued to whine about how long he took to get ready and slammed the door behind herself in a huff.

Once back in his room, Ben placed a song on his phone and went about getting ready for college. Books were thrown haphazardly into his bag, an outfit was carefully plucked from his wardrobe and he fixed his watch to his wrist. With a final look in the mirror he was ready and wandered downstairs to meet Sharron, his dad and Denny sat at the dinning table.

"Denny, you can't wear aftershave to school you're only 9" Sharron uttered while fixing her son's hair before noticing Ben loitering by the bottom of the stairs. "Morning Ben, you all set for college?" She enquired which Ben responded with a small smile and nod. He always liked Sharron. She provided some stability to the hectic house, gave him support when his dad refused to and somehow managed to calm Phil down when he was mad with him. She was a mum to him for a long time.
"C'mon Sharron, he just wants to attract all the ladies" he joked while ruffling Denny's hair, which he didn't appreciate, and reaching over to the table to grab a slice of buttered toast. "Oh Ben you need more than that! You're a growing lad, need something more substantial!" She scolded. Ben mumbled an excuse about time around the piece of toast hanging half out his mouth and walked out the house, not before grabbing his leather jacket from the back of the door.

The streets of Walford were suddenly bursting with life as new students of all ages hurried off to bus stops, the tube station and the cafe for some much needed energy. Ben stood there for a moment, preparing himself for yet another challenge and embracing the sunlight. After a few minutes he began to walk towards the tube station along with his fellow commuters. Once on the train he found a free seat away from other people and retrieved his phone to play some music. Within moments the train began to move but not before a disheveled, lanky, tall boy opened the doors and stumbled on. This boy caught Ben's attention.

He recognised him from school, Callum Highway. He was always a good kid, gave in homework on time, never got into fights, had good manners. He wasn't the brightest and Ben didn't know him much but he seemed to be kind enough. Ben had no interest in knowing him more than that not at all. He also wasn't interested in his deep blue eyes, or his dopey and confused mug, or the way his t-shirt clung to him just right. Nope. Not at all.

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Ben couldn't seem to take his eyes off this giraffe of a man. Callum clambered over people's bags and somehow managed to fumble into a seat on the other side of the carriage. With his hair a mess and clothes askew, Callum adjusted his bag between his feet and rested his head against the window behind him. In this relaxed state Ben could clearly see the shape of his neck and collar bones. Callums eyes fluttered in the light and his mouth hung just slightly ajar as he caught his breath after the whole ordeal. The music playing in Ben's ears faded into the background as all his focus was turned towards this intriguing boy. Callum lifted his head up and met Ben's stare with a warm, bashful smile. Under Ben's short gaze callums cheeks turned to red which matched Ben's as he had just been caught staring at this boy he barely knew. He realised that he was acting like a stalker and mentally shamed himself, returning his attention to his phone and music.

In his embarrassed blur Ben almost missed his stop for college but luckily today he had a guardian angel. Callum lightly tapped his foot to alert Ben to their stop before smiling again and getting off the train. Ben slumped off onto the platform with the rush of college kids off to their first lessons of the day. The tube station was like a Labyrinth of stairs, train platforms and large posters for the latest west end shows. This was when Ben's bravado came out to play. He was surrounded by his classmates and needed to show who he was. He walked through the station with a swagger, confidence in his step and an easy smirk on his lips.

15 minutes later he stood at the front doors of the college. Everyone flooded through the doors and made their way to their respective classes. Ben's first class today was psychology. You could ask him why he chose such a subject but Ben couldn't give you an answer. To be honest, he didn't have a reason behind any of his classes. When signing up for the courses he simply clicked 3 classes and called it a day. However, this random decision would prove to be one of the best he made. He entered the classroom on the first floor of the building and immediately his eyes landed on Callum highway and sat in the back left corner of the room. He already had his equipment out on the table as well as his headphones in his ears. As soon as he recognised himself staring at the boy again he shook himself awake mentally. He was Ben Mitchell, next in line for the Mitchell throne, son of Phill Mitchell. He couldn't be having silly childhood crushes and especially not on him. God had another plan for him though as the only seat left in the classroom was directly next to Callum.

After cursing internally Ben wandered over to the seat, not once dropping his swagger and confidence. As he approached the desk Callum noticed his presence and looked up while removing one earbud. "Ben Mitchell, isn't it?" Callum quirked his head slightly which Ben couldn't deny was endearing. "The one and only" Ben gestured down his body and sat himself down. "I'm Callum Highway" the taller boy smiled and offered a hand. Although Ben itched to shake his hand he couldn't let up that easily. Instead he opted to stay cold and collected. "I know who you are". Callums face fell a little bit and he turned back towards his desk. Guilt panged in Ben's heart but luckily it left as soon as it came.

The class started and everyone went about writing down notes and listening intently. Callum and Ben sat in mostly silence, awkward silence. The teacher droned on and on about Freud’s theories and other psychological terms that meant absolutely nothing to him. It only took about 20 minutes for Ben to lose all concentration and succumb to boredom. In juxtaposition to Ben's restlessness, Callum was deeply concentrated on the work in front of him and genuinely seemed interested in the subject. In an attempt to avoid his boredom, Ben focused on what Callum was writing. The boy's writing was tall and slightly slanted to the right, it was looping all over the page in thin strokes. Callum’s hand swiftly glided over the paper, highlighting key phrases, embedding important quotes and underlining titles. Ben was almost put into a trance by his methodical process. Once again, Ben caught himself becoming too infatuated by the boy and turned his head in an instant back to his own book. Callum must have noticed both the swift motion and the lack of work completed by Ben. He looked at Ben, then at his page, then back up with an inquisitive glance. “You alright?” he asked with a somewhat playful smile. “Yeah, yeah I’m all good. You might as well call me uh” Ben glanced over to the whiteboard to figure out who on earth they were learning about then back at Callum, “Siggy Freud. I got all this bullshit down pat”. The comment seemed to humour Callum as he threw his head back in laughter which made Ben think back to the train. The sound he made was simply beautiful, his smile was angelic and- there it was again. That stupid butterfly sensation in his stomach which refused to vacate when Callum was around. This wasn’t him. Ben Mitchell was a hard-man, local bad boy who didn’t have any interest in anyone outside of his best friend and brother, Jay. How could this random boy who was nothing but a background character for the rest of his life manage to get under his skin in only a couple of hours. The thought took Ben out of the room for a moment until the boy sitting next to him got his attention again. “Right then, what is psychoanalysis?” The boys locked eyes and Ben’s cheeks reddened. Of course he blushed because of the embarrassment of being caught out in his lie, not because of the gorgeous eyes that were burning into his own. They were both lightly chuckling now and Ben scratched his head awkwardly to disguise the blush on his cheeks.

For the rest of the lesson the young men talked, joked and laughed amongst themselves, much to the annoyance of their teacher. But they didn’t care. The end of the lesson was drawing near and that’s when Ben realised that while Callum was jotting down notes while they were talking, he had not written a single thing. Callum noticed the cogs turning in his head. “I could help you, you know. If you like”. Taken aback by the offer, Ben simply stared back with a puzzled look. “I uh I sort of understand what’s going on so we could go for lunch or we could go to the library or whatever, if you want that is I don’t mind-” he was cut off by Ben who wanted to end the older boy's suffering. “Yeah thanks mate, maybe we could go to the park tomorrow?”. A sigh of relief left Callums chest and a small twinkle graced his eyes, those handsome eyes. He nodded and went back to finishing up his work and packing up his books. The two went their separate ways and went to enjoy their break. In the overwhelming crowd of college students Ben managed to locate Jay walking down the corridor with his girlfriend, Lola, on his arm. Her platinum blonde hair was held up in a high ponytail that swayed as she walked. Ben managed to push his way through the hall with his bag slung over his shoulder and confidence in his step once again. “Jay!” He shouted over the bustling voices and the skinny boy turned around to locate his brother. Once they spotted him, the couple slowed down to join Ben. “How was your first class then?” Jay asked with a giggle.

He knew how Ben had chosen his classes and watched his many tantrums and bursts of anger over choosing psychology. “Ha ha very funny. It wasn’t too bad. Didn’t know anyone there really and it was quite repetitive but it could have been worse. How about yours?” The group exited the college building and walked towards an empty bench by the outdoor food court. “Surprisingly good. I had IT so we just set up our accounts and looked at the coding programme and-” Jay noticed Ben not paying any attention to what he was saying. Rather his face shifted to anger as he saw a group of kids sitting at the bench they were only metres away from. “Oi!” he shouted and walked towards the bench and away from the group. “For fucks sake…” Jay mumbled and caught up to his brother. “We were just about to sit down dickheads so move before I” luckily he was cut off before he could shout anymore by Jay’s arm pulling him back and muttering some apologies to the other students. Ben didn’t break eye contact with them once as Jay and Lola manoeuvred him to another area. “You need to calm down, first day and you're already trying to make enemies!” Lola scolded and jabbed Ben in the ribs to further emphasise her point. He just grunted in response and found another seat on the edge of a football pitch.

The three friends sat down on the rickety wooden bench and talked about their days now that Ben was more calm. A few minutes later a group of football boys walked out onto the pitch all in their football kits and started to stretch. Amongst the lads, Ben’s eyes were drawn to the tallest of the boys who was none other than Mr Callum Highway. He couldn’t decide whether Callum looked better in his blue jeans and baggy jacket or his tight fighting football top and shorts. Ben didn’t notice his thighs while he was in his jeans but they were completely on show now and Ben couldn’t seem to look away. “Oi, Ben, stop drooling you're going to get it in my pasta” Lola got his attention back while Jay turned around to see what he was looking at. “I am not drooling, they aren’t even fit. I’m just judging them for playing sodding football during their break.” Ben looked down into his food in front of him which he had retrieved from his bag earlier. He made a mental note to thank Sharron for shoving it in his bag the previous night to ensure he had something to eat. “Wait, ain’t that Callum?” Jay’s brow furrowed in thought. Lola turned her eyes to the group of boys which were now kicking a ball around the pitch. “Callum who?” she pondered. “Callum Highway, went to our school. He was in your maths class wasn't he Ben?” Ben simply shrugged, refusing to look up in order to not embarrass himself any further. “Oh I see him, I see him. He’s cute ain’t he?” She joked which received an angry look and nudge from her boyfriend. The two began joking about together which gave Ben the perfect opportunity to look for Callum again. He was running up and down the pitch effortlessly and concentrated fully on the ball much like he did on his work earlier. It wasn’t until the boys began to walk off the pitch that Ben realised how long he was looking at the tall boy. God I must look like a stalker he thought and covered his face in shame. He had been doing that an awful lot today. “Welcome back to the land of the living mate. Have you seen something interesting out there?” “or someone interesting” the couple laughed and relished in the humiliation etched on Ben’s features. Ignoring their comment, Ben got up and walked to his next class but not without flipping them the bird before leaving.

It was like the world had it out for him when he walked straight into Callum on his way down the corridor. “I am so sorry Ben, I was away with the fairies then didn’t see you there” that stupid smile was there again. Ben mumbled back an excuse and apology and walked off. He knew if he stayed any longer he would miss his class. He totally didn’t leave in fear that he would become more infatuated with the boy then he already was. Luckily for him the next class, law, went by quicker than expected as both Lola and Jay were in his class. Half past 2 rolled around and the group walked back to the tube station. He had almost done it, he made it through the end of the college day and the walk back to the station without bumping into Callum again. Key word, almost. When they stepped onto the shuttle there were only a few seats left and they were opposite the highway boy. Why couldn’t he escape him? Reluctantly, he sat opposite Jay and Lola who sat next to Callum. The three of them hit it off and talked about their time in school and what courses they took while Ben sat with his music playing. Every so often Callum would throw a glance his way which he held for a tad longer than necessary before going back to his conversation. Ben would be lying if he said he hated those looks. The tube screeched to a halt at the group's stop and they all pushed through large groups of commuters to walk back home. The group walked towards the square and once Jay and Lola got back home it was only Ben and Callum. Ben turned off his music, only to be polite, and the two exchanged light conversation about their plans for the day and cracked jokes which allowed Ben to hear Callums sweet laughter over and over again. When they got to the Mitchell household Ben didn’t want to leave. The two stood awkwardly outside the door in silence. “Well,” Callum started, “I better get going.” “Yeah right, right, me too” Ben mumbled and shifted from foot to foot. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, Siggy Freud, '' Callum jokes, which reminded Ben of his embarrassment and made them both chuckle one last time. They said their goodbyes and Ben went inside while Callum walked back in the direction they had just come from which Ben had noticed. “Did he walk in the opposite direction from his house just to walk me home?” Ben asked himself. No he didn’t don’t be stupid, he was probably just being nice.

Once inside the house Ben was bombarded with questions from Louise and Sharron about his day as well as his mum, Kathy, who had come over to see him after his first day. It felt like he was down there for hours before he escaped upstairs and threw himself onto his bed. He thought about what happened that day and fully realised how stupid he had been. That’s when he made a vow to himself, no more infatuation with Callum.

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Sleep was not going to come easy to Ben. His mind was clouded over with mindless thoughts and the average late night scenarios like “what would I do if the world ended tomorrow?” or “How much time is left before I have to wake up again?” and “what would I do if Callum walked through the door right-”. He shook away the thoughts and instead turned his attention to the clock on his bedside table. He could just about make out 3 o’clock flashing in red, why on earth was he still awake? Maybe just closing his eyes would work if he tried hard enough. Hours passed and he opened his eyes to look at the clock again. 3:02. For god's sake. Maybe counting sheep, if it works in shows it might work for him. 1. 2. 3. 4. Nope, not working either. Maybe he just wasn’t tired enough. That conclusion was the most reasonable so he decided to throw on his boots, a leather jacket and venture out into the sleeping world. Oh how he envied it. He creeped down the stairs, careful not to disturb the rest of the Mitchell household, and out the front door. It was a success! For a moment Ben was proud of himself for getting out of the house in silence but then an unwelcome gust of icey autumn wind swept past his face and made him regret getting out of bed in the first place. It was too late to go back so instead Ben set off in the direction of a field he often went to just outside of Walford. When he was younger and battling himself over his sexuality he came here, when his dad was screaming at him for having the music too loud or not concentrating on the sport on the TV or for just breathing too loud he came here, when his mind just became too loud he came here. The field was shrouded by towering trees, a small stream was situated at the bottom of the field and all Ben had to do was hop a small fence gate to get there. It felt completely isolated and different from his hometown. On his way to the field he noticed a yellow light emerging from one of the few houses on a road just past the tube station. He looked up in curiosity and saw a lanky figure messing about with some books on the windowsill. The figure must have felt Ben looking at them as they looked up and caught his gaze. Low and behold, it was Callum Highway. Again. He offered Ben a small wave which he didn’t accept, instead, he walked away and decided that was enough fresh air for him so turned back towards the Mitchell home. Instead of trying to get back to sleep he accepted his fate and passed the time by watching some shitty Britcom on Netflix.

At some point in the night Ben must have fallen off to sleep because he was awakened by his phone alarm. His head was a blur, a dry taste in his mouth and “are you still watching” graced his computer screen, almost mocking him. He was also soon made aware of a soft knocking on his door which soon became louder and accompanied by Sharrons voice shouting “Ben! You need to get up!”. After collecting his thoughts he got up and opened the door. “Alright, alright I am up, no need to get your knickers in a twist… What is that?” he gestured at the coffee cup with “Kathy's Cafe” scrawled across the front. “Someone left it on the doorstep this morning with a note. Think you might have a secret admirer” Sharron smiled at him, handed the cup over and went back to getting Denny ready for school. Closing the door, Ben held the note between his thumb and forefinger, gentle running his eyes over the handwriting. The writing was tall and slightly slanted to the right, it was looping all over the post-it-note in thin strokes. “Think you might need this to get you through the day. See you later :)”. Something stirred in Ben’s stomach, those butterflies threatened to claw their way up his throat, to his head, to cloud over every thought and feeling he ever had. This wasn’t going to happen, no way. The sound of scrunching paper filled the room soon followed by something being thrown into a bin. Ben sat for a moment on his bed, trying to wrap his mind around what was going on. Things like this don’t happen to people like Ben, fairytale stories don’t exist in his world. Another round of bangs filled the room, drawing Ben out of his head. “Sharron, I am getting ready, you can get off my case now!” The banging stopped briefly before a blonde haired ball of energy bounded into his room and jumped into his lap. “Daddy!” the little girl screeched and threw her arms around his neck. A grunt of shock punched out of Ben’s chest as he scooped up the little girl. If anyone could bring some sort of comfort to his life it was her. “Lexi I told you to wait for your dad to open the door!” Lola appeared in the doorway and apologised for letting her burst in like that. Lexi was the product of a drunken “I am not gay” night. Lola and Ben had been friends since they were kids, grew up on the square together and always had each other's backs. One night they both had drunk one too many wkds and messed about. Afterwards Ben broke down infront of Lola and confessed that he was gay. She was so very supportive and understood why he did what he did. They both agreed to never speak about the event again but, well, that would prove to be almost impossible. Lola was 14 and pregnant, Ben was 14 and a Dad, what were they supposed to do? It was rough and both sides of the family were very disappointed by the carelessness but now they were 17 and surprisingly good parents given the circumstances. Lolas granddad, Billy, always offered to look after the toddler so that Lola could finish her GCSE’s and go to college. Ben saw Lexi as much as he could and when Jay and Lola got together Lexi had a good little family around her. In the past few months Lexi had grown so much. She was talking very well for her age and was full of so much energy.

“Come on then you, let’s leave daddy to get changed and we will meet him downstairs.” Lola ushered the little girl out of the room. Accompanied by a wide, heartfelt smile, Ben busied himself with sorting out his books for the day and getting changed. While picking an outfit, it dawned on him that he had plans for after college. But not just any plans, plans with callum. He wanted to look good, not because he wanted to impress Callum,not at all, but he wanted to make an impression nonetheless. He picked out a pair of his best skinny black jeans and a deep maroon shirt that hugged his torso just right. A few sprays of aftershave later and he was ready. Lexi sat at the dining room table with Phil, Denny and Sharron while Lola was busy talking about the latest makeup and style trends with Louise on the sofa. “You look very nice Ben, very dressy. Got anyone in mind that you want to impress?” Sharron joked but Ben noticed his dad's face fall at the mention of Ben's love life. Phil never liked Ben being gay. He didn’t like that he wasn’t the big macho, football loving, larger drinking man's man that Phil wanted him to be. That’s why the last time that Phil paid any sort of positive attention to Ben was when he was deep in the closet and hated himself. In year 10 Ben was deeply depressed, deeply closeted and hiding who he was. He played rugby at school, dated a few girls, even did some boxing lessons with his dad and Phil loved it. He was a right little Mitchell he was. Getting into fights and “making the Mitchell name mean something” in the words of Phil. Ben even had a kid on the way so if anyone accused him of being gay Phil could say otherwise. So when Ben came home, drunk as a sailor after sharron picked him up from a party, and told his dad and Louise that he was gay, Phil was far from happy. A screaming match ensued which ended with Sharron pushing Phil out of the house to calm down and Ben sobbing in a heap on the floor with Louise sat by him to provide some sort of help. She was only young, still in Primary school but knew more than most at her age. She got him water and called Jay who managed to help him up to bed and calm him down. Since that day Phil has always looked at Ben with disgust in his eyes just like he did now.

“Something like that, Sharron.” He offered her a kind look and went about helping Lex eat her breakfast and get out the door. Neither Ben nor Lola had a lesson until half 9 so both took Lexi to Billy’s before meeting Jay at the tube station. “So, you going to tell me why you are so dressed up then?” Lola nudged his shoulder as they walked. “Just want to look good don’t I?” Ben didn’t meet Lolas eyes. “Of course that’s why. It has nothing to do with why you won’t come out with me and Jay after college or why there was a coffee cup left on your doorstep this morning?” The question was more rhetorical if anything but still left Ben wondering how obvious it was to everyone else outside of his family that something was going on. “It's not my fault if someone does something nice for me is it?” He had a good point. It wasn’t his fault that Callum wanted to be a nice person and drop off a coffee. If Callum wanted to be around Ben then so be it, it’s not like Ben ached to be around him and see that flashy smile of him and those doe eyes and those prominent dimples. Before Lola could dig anymore, Ben’s prayers were answered as Jay rounded the corner and met them on their walk to the station. “Alright darling?” Jay slung his arm around Ben’s shoulders and laced his fingers with Ben’s. “How about you Lola?” He joked. “In your dreams mate!” Ben pushed him off and the group laughed together. Well, Jay and Ben laughed while Lola sulked on her own. It was always the three of them, since they were kids. The three musketeers, always getting into trouble in school, skiving lessons, spending every waking moment of the summer holidays together. For a while Jay even lived with Ben until he was able to get his own council flat. Jay's dad died when he was younger and his mum was never in the picture which made his younger years bleak. Although the two boys had troubled childhoods they somehow managed to balance eachother out, calm the other down when necessary, provide somewhere safe in times of need. Life was good when they were together. “C’mon then loverboy, can’t be late can we” Ben nodded in the direction of the station and they all piled onto the platform.

The commute to college was unbearable today. Rowdy teenagers who thought they ran the place were blasting music way too early in the morning, grumpy granddads were complaining about “the youths of today”, what remained of the summer sun made the carriage just that little bit too hot and clammy. Ben's shoulders were holding all his tension and as soon as the train pulled to a stop he pushed the other two out of the station and into the college. All that tension and stress temporarily dissipated when Ben spotted Callum standing outside the college doors with his headphones on, scanning the crowds of people. When his eyes landed on the small group Callum strode over to them. He looked beautiful. His baggy blue jeans were replaced with skinny black jeans, his jacket with a green flannel shirt and a long trench coat. Wow. Pick up your jaw Ben, grow up. “You alright love?” Lola being the social butterfly she was, had made it her mission to befriend the giant. “I am yeah Lo, how about you? Jay?” both nodded and went about making their way to their respective classes. Jay went off to criminology joined by Callum and Lola went off to hair and beauty which left Ben to go to Business Studies. Nerves coursed through Ben as 12 o’clock drew closer. The end of his school day and the start of his time out with Callum. Why was he so nervous? All they were doing was going to a park to go over some stupid psychology work, nothing special. Two mates hanging out. Is that what they were, mates? Acquaintances? Classmates? All these thoughts repeated over and over again until he found himself standing at the gate waiting for Callum. Speak of the devil. Callums coat danced behind him as he walked towards Ben. “Right, we off then?” That's when Ben realised he had just been staring, not saying a word. “Uh yeah, let's go.” Ben turned on his heels and both walked to the park, talking about anything and everything. It didn’t take long to reach the park and get out all their stuff to start going over the work.

“So, one of his most enduring ideas is the concept of the unconscious mind, which is a reservoir of thoughts, memories, and emotions that lie outside the awareness of the conscious mind. Does that make sense?” No, it really didn’t. Throwing his pen down in frustration, Ben reached into his pocket and retrieved a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. He lit one and brought it to his lips, taking one long, deep drag and blowing the smoke out through his nose. Callums eyes never once left his mouth, the mere action of smoking usually made most people look like idiots to him but it was different when Ben did it. He made it look sinful. But Callum wasn’t gay. A Highway couldn’t be gay. Just because he thought Ben looked good smoking, like it was natural, doesn’t make him gay it just meant he had eyes. Ben Mitchell was 100% not attractive in the slightest.

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“I didn’t know you played footy,” Ben muttered between the drags of his cigarette. Callums eyes flicked back up to meet Bens,
“Are you trying to distract me from teaching you psychology?”
“That don’t answer my question.” he shook his head directly ignoring Callums appalling accusation.
“Well, I never played for a club or in school or anything. It was just one of the few things I could do with my brother so I like to think I am at least decent at playing. When some of my mates joined the football club at college I thought I would join too, give it a go… wait, how did you know I played?” That is the exact moment that Ben realised he would have to admit that he was watching Callum play. It wasn’t like he was stalking him or anything, he just happened to notice him playing amongst the other lads while he was walking around. Yeah, that was all, just a coincidence that Ben was walking by while Callum was playing.
“I, uh, I just noticed you coming off the pitch at lunch yesterday.” Luckily that was a good enough answer for Callum.
“What about you then, are you into football or rugby or?” The question felt foreign to Ben. It was rare that he was actually asked what he enjoyed as most people already knew the answer, like Jay and Lola, or refused to accept it, like his dad.
“Not really. I did play rugby for a bit in like year 10 or something but that was more to make my dad shut up about it.” He hated the pitying look he received. It was the look that everyone with a perfect family and loving father threw his way, claiming to understand a situation they had never been in before.
“I get it. My dad’s the same, wanting me to be a certain way and do certain things.” That's not what he was expecting. How could the sweet boy sitting in front of him be the product of a dad who, if he's anything like his dad, is a monster? Pain flashed across Callum's face for a moment while talking about his dad but it soon shifted to acceptance, like he realised he was a better man without him. Ben wanted to be like that. He wanted to erase every impact his dad has ever had on his life and be better but how could he?
“Dad’s are shit.” He took another long drag from his cigarette and offered it to Callum who politely declined.
“Uh I don’t do stuff like that, not my kind of thing” he wrung his hands together almost as if he felt bad or nervous about declining the offer. Ben reached his hand across the bench to stop the fidgeting. That slight contact made electricity shoot up his hand, almost like static shock. The feeling made Ben retract his hand quicker than he wanted to.
“So, you mentioned you had a brother? I don’t think I’ve ever seen another Highway at our school.”
“Yeah, yeah Stuart. You wouldn’t know him, he is quite a bit older than us, he has his own place so I don’t see him much anymore. I was lucky to have him when I was younger, someone to talk to, someone to cry to, someone to stick up for me. He wasn’t there a lot though, spent most of his time out of the house drinking with friends or something like that. He doesn’t really understand me much more than dad does but at least he is willing to learn more about me and actually, I don’t know, loves me for who I am? Oh god i'm sorry I didn’t mean to go on a rant there you didn’t need to hear all that” Callum brought his hands up to cover his face and Ben wished he didn’t. He didn’t know what it was but he wanted Callum to keep talking, keep teaching him more about himself, and let him in.
“No no no It’s alright mate. Not like I’m going to tell anyone my lips are sealed” Both boys laughed at the abnormality of the situation.
“I wish I had an older sibling. Don’t get me wrong I love Lou and Denny, my sister and my step-mum's son, but I feel like I have all the responsibility to be a good role model for them and look after them.” Before he went any further he cut himself off. Why on god's green earth would he start spilling his guts to a boy he barely knows in a random park? And why did he feel so safe to do so regardless? Instead of finding an answer to that question, Ben shifted the conversation to a lighter topic.

They talked for hours about what tv shows they liked, movies, funny stories from their school days. Anything that came to mind they talked about with their school books discarded.
“And then all of a sudden this stupid little year 7 runs up and punches Jay straight in the stomach!” Ben said between laughs,
“He folded like a deckchair, down to the floor. He claims that the boy was in our year but I swear he was like 5 foot!” Callum was wheezing with his arms folded across his stomach, tears forming in his eyes from laughter and the widest smile painted across his face. By now the sun was practically set and the only light visible was coming from a nearby lamppost. The boys had now moved from the park bench and were instead walking in the direction of the square.
“You and Jay are quite close then? I always see you too together and you talk about him a lot. Not that that's a bad thing, I liked hearing about your life and stuff.” Ben wasn’t going to lie in Bed later picking apart that last sentence.
“More like a brother than anything. He graced me with his presence when we were like 5 and I’ve been stuck with him ever since. He likes to think he is a golden boy, like he is the angel in our angel and devil duo but really he is just as bad as me. We always got in trouble as kids but goody two shoes would get off scot free almost every single time, lucky bastard.” Callum relished in the sparkle that danced in Ben's eyes when he talked about his brother. It was a welcome change to his usual grumpy, ‘bad boy’ face that he wore around college.
“Right, I better get inside but do you want my number or something? Just in case I need psychology help again or anything” What was he doing?! He sounded like a teenager in those shitty rom coms that Sharron and Lou watch. Before he could take back the request, Callum was plugging his number into his phone which he handed out and thanking him for coming out today.

Callum looked up from the phone at the sound of a door opening behind them. Over Ben’s shoulder he saw a young girl running out of the Mitchell house towards them. He felt his heart drop, stomach twist into knots and all the air being knocked from his lungs as the young girl shouted “daddy!” and tugged on Ben’s jean leg. Oh shit. He was straight. Callum was stupid for thinking any different but he couldn’t help feeling crestfallen. Ben wasn’t sure what it was but something was out to get him. He picked up the little girl, said his goodbyes to Callum and walked into the house leaving Callum shocked and disappointed in the middle of the road. Callum waderned back to his house embarrassed with his tail between his legs.
“Princess, what has daddy told you about running out on your own like that huh?” Ben pushed the golden locks behind Lexi’s ear out of her face.
“I was just so excited” Lexi hid her face in Bend neck to avoid getting told off.
“I know darling but I was talking to a friend” He shot a pointed look at Lola who he could just about see hiding behind the kitchen door. How was he supposed to explain this to Callum? ‘Oh hey Callum! I know we have only just started being friends but here is my life story about how I have a daughter but I am not straight’. Callum seemed nice enough and Ben was 99% sure that if he told Callum he was gay he wouldn’t mind but he couldn’t risk that 1%. He finally found someone who could understand him, apart from Jay and Lola, and someone who he wanted to learn more about and he was going to lose him. He is truly fucked.

Ben carried the little girl upstairs, purposely ignoring Lola on his way, and placed her in her bed. The room was decorated floor to ceiling with Lexi’s favourite things; teddy bears, princesses, barbie dolls, and dressing up costumes. After his family had come to terms with Ben becoming a dad, Sharron and Phil both decided that she would need a room to stay when she came over. When the little girl was born his whole family was obsessed with her. Kathy always offered her a treat when she went to the cafe, Louise loved playing dress up and having tea parties with her niece, Phil and Sharron did activities with her every time they saw her and gave her all they had. Ben would be lying if he said it didn’t sting. When Ben was little he never got this from Phil. He loved to play dress up, dance, sing, do arts and crafts but Phil would take no part. Kathy would dance around with him and his nan, Peggy, would sing along to show tunes with him but Phil would just sit back in disgrace and completely ignore his son's existence. But he was happy for Lexi. He would give his little girl the world if he could and he ensured that she had the childhood that he didn’t get. Moments like this, when he was sitting down by her bed and stroking her hair, reminded Ben that life wasn’t all bad. That her life was innocent and clean and special, he needed to keep it that way.

“How’s Callum?” Lola loitered by the doorframe.
“Fine.” In his sane mind Ben knew it wasn’t Lola’s fault that Callum saw Lexi but he was still upset with her.
“You two seemed pretty cosey” Ben stood up and walked out the room and towards his own.
“I hardly know the boy, we were just going over some college notes and shit.” He stood in front of his mirror and started to unbutton his shirt.
“You were talking about college notes for 6 and a half hours?” with that Ben slammed the door in her face. He could hear her giggling down the corridor. If his daughter wasn’t sleeping just a few doors down he would march his arse outside and put the record straight. Tell Lola that he in no way liked Callum more than a friend. Of course the only reason why he didn’t was because of Lexi. He felt his phone buzz and retrieved it from his back jean pocket. An anonymous number flashed on his screen with a text.
‘Hi, it's Callum. I got your number when I put mine in your phone, hope you don’t mind. :)’
If Ben wasn’t still frustrated by the ‘I have a child but I’m not straight’ situation then he might have texted back. Instead he threw his phone down on the bed, finished getting undressed and got under the duvet. Memories of his day flashed through his mind in a rose coloured haze. Callum was such a kind and sweet soul. His favourite colour was green, he supported West Ham, he loved dogs, his best memories are of going to Tenby in Wales with his mum when he was a kid, he hates broccoli, he had a bowl cut when he was 9. Ben really needed to get over this stupid… whatever this was.

On the other side of the square Callum was messing about with his record player and placed his newest hozier album on the deck. ‘My lovers got humour, she giggled at a funeral’ softly played from the speaker. He threw himself onto his bed with a huff and stared up at the grey ceiling. He noticed the wallpaper peeling at the edges of his room. He remembers the first time he interacted with Ben Mitchell. In year 9 Ben was standing outside his physics classroom having a screaming match with his teacher. Callum was sitting in the corridor catching up on a test he missed but couldn’t help being distracted by all the commotion.
“I didn’t punch the fucking kid alright!” Ben’s voice echoed down the corridor. The argument continued on for a few more minutes until the teacher had had enough and sent Ben to isolation at the end of the hall. On his way to the room, Ben noticed Callum staring at him,
“I fucking hate teachers, don’t you?” He didn’t wait for an answer. He flashed that cheeky smile and carried on walking. Little 13 year old Callum was taken back by the stark difference between Ben talking to the teacher and talking to him. Of course it was probably because Ben was only angry with the teacher and not him but it still made something stir in his chest.

It wasn’t the first time that he had to remind himself that he wasn’t gay. When he was watching football with his dad, I am not gay. When he was watching gay couples walking happily hand in hand in the park, I am not gay. When he saw the latest Spiderman film. I am not gay. I am not gay. I am not gay. If anyone asked why he didn’t have a girlfriend his first response was that girls just didn’t like him which wasn’t entirely wrong. The banging downstairs was another reminder of why he wasn’t gay. He was the son of Jonno Highway and there just wasn’t the possibility that he was gay. If he wasn’t gay, then why did he like Ben fucking Mitchell so much. He thought about him smoking earlier that day and how good he made it look, he thought about the way he carried himself while walking down the corridor at college, he thought about the sparkle in his eye when he was laughing, he thought about the red that creeped its way up his collar and neck when he got angry. Fuck. He really needed to fix that wallpaper peeling in the corner of his room.

Chapter Text

8am rolled around much sooner than Ben liked. All of a sudden he was aware of how hot the room was, how suffocating the duvet felt, the whistling sound permeating his ear drum. Oh how he wished he could crawl back into his head and enter his dream world. This specific dream involved a new character. He dreamt that he was in a field, his field to be specific. The summer had returned bringing along its beautiful heat and sun rays. Dragon flies danced just in front of his face to the perfect melody of bird song and a light, cool breeze. He was situated on a rock on the river bank with the crystal clear water washing over his feet. His chest expanded slowly, allowing fresh air to fill his lungs, as he gently tilted his back in order to absorb the daylight. When he allowed his body to fully relax and lay back he hit something, rather someone behind him. Ben’s head rested in the stranger's lap and instinctively a large hand began to run their fingers through Ben's hair. It was oddly relaxing. For the first time in years he felt everything, every stress, every once of anger expel itself from every inch of his body. No more weight on his shoulders. No more ache in his head. Just peace.

After a few moments, the stranger lifted himself up from under Ben and held out his hand to him. With the help of the stranger Ben was hoisted to his feet and walked hand in hand towards the middle of the field. Once surrounded by trees the new commer turned around to face Ben and drew him close. This was the first time that Ben could see their face. The memory of it is a bit blurry around the edges but he remembers a few key details. He remembers the baby blue eyes never leaving his own. He remembers the way their ears slightly stuck out. He remembers the faint dimples painted on his cheeks when he smiled. He remembers the utter perfect way that the sun grazed his face. He remembers having to look up slightly in order to meet his eyes. The pair slowly swayed in time with the birds up in their nests and their bodies pressed up close. They twirled and twisted and turned much like the trees around them. This moment was perfect, no, better than perfect. It was practically carved from Adam's rib, plucked from stardust, etched into the paintings of Pierre-Auguste Cot, snatched from the poems you were forced to read in school. And then he was awake.

For a moment Ben just stared into the distance, trying desperately to cling onto the memories. To lock them up, tie them together with a bow and keep them safe for a rainy day. The question of who the man in his dream was could be answered but Ben didn’t like the result. You see, if Ben accepted who was in his dream then he would have to accept that someone took up a special part of his brain. Occupied a place in his subconscious. Crawled their way under his skin and refused to leave, like a tattoo permanently remaining on him. He was a Mitchell and Mitchells didn’t feel silly little things like that. All they care about is what people can do for them, how they can keep control and money. Anyway, this wasn’t the time to indulge in such personal emotions, he had a class to get too. With that thought he got up and went about his usual business. He got Lexi up and helped her to brush her teeth, hair and get dressed. After 3 years of practise Ben could now plait her hair just right and pick out the best outfits that made her feel like the princess she was.

Once the two were suited and booted they made their way outside where they were met with Callum awkwardly wandering around outside.
“Morning! I thought we could go to the cafe before class? I need to talk to you about something.” Callum desperately attempted to ignore the feeling clawing its way up his throat and the burning sensation at his fingertips.
“If you can wait till I drop this little one off” he ruffled the young girl's hair. It was nice to see the happiness and ease that she brought to Ben, seeing him look after and raise such a beautiful young girl but that didn’t stop the nagging thought at the back of his mind. He was praying, begging for there to be something to explain away the whole situation. He walked towards the pair and the three of them walked towards Billy’s flat.
“Daddy, is this your friend from yesterday?” Her big blue eyes peered up at him full of wonder, they matched her dads. Instead of answering Ben looked to Callum, urging him to answer the girl. Why did that make him so nervous? Battling the tremble in his hand Callum knelt down to be on the same eye level as Lexi.
“Yes I am,” he reached out his hand,
“My name is Callum, what's yours?” The sight made Ben weak at the knees. He had never let someone meet his daughter before let alone talk to her but something deep inside his soul told him that she was safe with him.
“Hi Callum, I’m Lexi!” her speech was somewhat mumbled but still understandable. She beamed up at him, simply radiating innocence and joy. Those butterflies threatened to take flight once again. The group returned to their mission of getting Lexi to her granddads.
“Callum is much taller than you dad” she hoped along beside the boys and slipped her tiny hand into Ben’s.
“Oi missus! I am not that short” He faked an angry expression which was less intimidating and more entertaining than anything. Callum chuckled softly beside him which earned him a nudge to the ribs. A comfortable silence fell over the three, the only sound was the sound of Lexi skipping happily besides them. It didn’t take long before they reached Billy's door and said their goodbyes which left only Ben, Callum and unsaid words.

They made their way to the cafe like they planned while exchanging the odd word here and there but nothing substantial. Once inside they occupied a table in the corner, away from prying eyes, and waited for their breakfasts and teas to arrive.
“Lexi is a lovely little girl, spitting image of you” Callum spoke into his lap, unable to watch how Ben reacted. If he did look up, he would see Ben face contort into something uncomfortable and on edge.
“Yeah, she is. Proper little angel when she wants to be” He smiled momentarily, temporarily forgetting about the conversation ahead.
“You, uh, you still with her mum?” the response to that question would either make or break Callum.
“Oh no no no, Lola is with Jay no ‘course” Ben thought very carefully about his next words.
“I ain’t really, you know, into girls at the moment” Callums head snapped up and a weight was lifted off his shoulders. It wasn’t like Ben had come out and say he was gay, not that that mattered because neither was Callum, but it was a relief to know that he wasn’t imposing on time Ben should be spending with the mother of his child. That was the only reasoning behind the wave of repose that washed over him. The smile that flashed across Callums features was a wave of relief for him too. Luckily Ben couldn’t go more into detail than that as their breakfasts arrived.

A few weeks passed and they were bliss. Callum and Ben spent every moment in college together, learning more about each other and getting so very close. It was guaranteed that if you saw one around college the other wasn’t far behind. Jay often referred to them as “pinky and the brain” which was fitting for the bond the two had made. As the two got closer so did Lexi and Callum. He would sometimes join in on trips to the park and taught Lex football when they went to the local pitch. It was approaching Halloween when Ben first invited Callum to his house. Lexi had wanted to dress up as Rapunzel to go trick-or-treating and Ben was tasked with attaching flowers to the wig and dress. He invited Callum to help, using his arts and crafts expertise to make his little girl happy. And hey, if he also wanted to spend every waking moment with the boy then that was his own business.

Lexi jumped out of her seat at the noise of the doorbell, dragging her dad to answer it as quickly as possible. She squealed at the sight of Callum, her current best friend, and lifted her arms up to be picked up. He happily did so and carried them inside, throwing a smile and “hello” Ben’s way as he walked past him and into the dining room.
“Right, c’mon then Lex, show Callum what his job is.'' The look on Callum's face was to die for as he laid eyes on the copious amount of supplies and glitter dashed across the table.
“Well I can’t use the glue and daddy can’t so Callum must!” She held up a bottle of glue and a fake paper flower to Callum's face but he was too distracted looking at Ben. He was in his own world, a soft look painted on his face as he watched the two favourite people in his life recently working together happily.
“And why can’t you use the glue?” The thought of the possible answer was enough to make laughter brew in his stomach.
“Well, you see, last time we did this the glue was being a little,” he covered Lexis ears to shield her from the language he was about to use,
“bitch and I got too aggressive getting it out the bottle. Long story short I managed to get the glue up the wall and Sharron banned me from using it again” Callum was going red from holding in the hysterics threatening to explode. He opted instead for an extremely judgemental look.
“I guess I’ll be doing most of the work then. Not that that makes a change from being in college.” The judgy stare and that comment warranted a flower being lobbed at Callums head which amused Lexi to say the least.

2 hours later and all three of them were covered in glitter, glue, petals and paper but Lexi’s outfit looked brilliant. Multicoloured flowers adorned the bottom of the dress and were sewn into the elegant braid on her head. The outfit was now, however, abandoned on the kitchen table and disney songs were blaring on the TV.
“IT MEANS NO WORRIES, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!” Both boys sang at the top of their lungs, dancing together with Lexi with not a worry in sight. The giggles escaping from Lexi was music to their ears as Callum picked her up and spun her around. Then, the room stopped. Everything slowed. The music faded out into almost nothingness as Ben's eyes landed on his best friend and daughter embracing their carefree nature. The room was showered in golden light and bliss and all things good in the world. Whatever god above decided to give Ben this moment needed thanking. The whole world faded away and every feeling that Ben had ever had for Callum became amplified. There was no escaping them. It was strangling him, suffocating him and forcing him to look at the man who rushed in and changed his life. There was nowhere to hide from them and if Ben was honest he relished in the feeling. Then the fear set in. The fear that he had let Callum in and he was going to realise how bad of a person Ben was before leaving him behind and finding what he deserved. Everything went fuzzy and Ben had to sit down and catch his breath for a moment. Callum slumped down next to him with only an inch of space between them which made every nerve ending in Ben’s body burn like he was walking on hot coals. Callum seemed to be oblivious to this and instead pulled out his phone to take a video of Lexi continuing to twirl around the living room.

That much dancing and excitement would be enough to tire anyone out and Lexi was no exception. Moments later she was crashing into Ben’s lap and curling up to go to sleep. Callum looked at the two and the realisation dawned on him that Ben had let him inside not only his life but his daughters. The thought grew more prominent in his mind when the two of them carried Lexi up to bed and tucked her in. The house seemed oddly quiet when they eventually wandered downstairs and settled on the sofa once more. Callums phone buzzed inside his pocket and when he fished it out he caught sight of a text from his childhood friend Frankie.

Since the first day of primary school the two were thick as thieves. Neither of them were very popular, both finding themselves alone on the yard most break times and in the lunchroom. They were put together in a pair of tasks during English and they haven’t looked back since. Throughout the rest of their school days they found solace in their friends and when everything would go tits up they knew where to find each other. Towards the end of year 10 Frankie managed to find herself with a new group of friends which left Callum on his own again. Luckily for him Frankie was never that far away, always having his back, sticking up for him and letting him stay on her sofa when things were rough at home. They were even more separated when they got to college. Frankie was always out, making friends, getting drunk in fields and swiftly becoming one of the most known people in their year group. Anyone else would have changed in this new-found popularity but Frankie wasn’t just anyone. She was still the confident, cocky, hot-headed, kind, genuine Frankie that Callum grew up with.

“Mr Highway, I am happy to formally invite you to my birthday party in two weeks time. Ensure that you bring plenty of booze and dress up for halloween part 2. It time to get fucked up!” The text made him smile which caught Ben’s attention from beside him.
“What are you smiling at?” Ben’s expression matched his and the sight made Callum’s heart flutter. He turned the phone screen towards Ben who raised an eyebrow at him, questioning why the angel that is Callum would go to a party to get wasted. Callum could apparently read the expression perfectly.
“I’m not a kid Ben, I have been to parties before” He shook his head.
“I know that but” Ben raised his hands in defence, chuckling to himself, “just can’t imagine you drunk that’s all”
“Don’t do it that often” Callum looked into his lap. He wasn’t a fan of going out drinking until all hours every weekend, the fear of becoming his dad all too real in his head.
“I can imagine it though,” Ben nudged his shoulder to bring Callum’s attention back to him “dancing on the tables, singing terribly along to Taylor Swift, tripping over your own feet.”
“Uh, I’ll have you know my singing skills are brilliant… If you could see that I’m the one that understands you!” He broke out into song inorder to back up his claim. Well, singing would be a stretch, it was more like a dying cats shrill.
“Shut up, you!” Ben dramatically threw his arms up to cover his ears but that did little to silence the chaos.
“Been here all along!” Ben lunged forward to cover Callums mouth but somehow he ended up pushing the taller boy back onto the sofa and draping his body over his. That shut Callum up.

Being up this close lets Callum see the intricate details of Ben’s face. The small spot above his eyebrow which was probably a chicken pox scar. The freckles that dusted their way up his face and across the bridge of his nose. The lighter mark cut down the side of his bottom lip. Now that he mentions it, Ben had a lot of scars. They ranged from tiny divots, almost unnoticeable even at this distance, to pinker, more recent marks. He could also see the golden flecks floating in his iris, the grey bags that hang just below his eyes, his jaw relaxing just slightly. He looked gorgeous, he always does. But all Callum was doing was appreciating and noticing what lay before him, acknowledging the face opposite his own. Silence hung between them. Then he felt heat creep up his face, panic pumping through his veins at the thought of his dad seeing him like this, every muscle in his body tensing. He allowed an awkward laugh to escape his lips and pushed Ben off him gently.
“You, uh, you can come if you want” The words couldn’t form properly in his mouth, coming out in a jumbled mess.
“Yeah?” That stupid fucking smile came back, why did he have to be so perfect.
“Well only if you want, you don’t have to but Jay and Lola could come too and we could have a good night. If you have plans that’s okay I don’t-”
“Sounds good.” Ben put him out of his misery but not before taking a moment to laugh at Callum’s panicking face.
“I’ll ask dumb and dumber later.” Okay, cool cool cool. Just two friends, going to a party together, having fun.

Chapter Text

The day of Frankie's party rolled around eventually and Ben was surprisingly excited. He and Callum had been texting back and forth all night and all day talking about outfit options and what drinks they were going to bring. Jay and Lola had tried convincing him to go as the shaggy to their Fred and Daphne but there was no way he was going to be third wheeling all night. Instead, he was going for the old school T Bird himself, Danny Zuko. It was partially because he already had the outfit ready to go. He had a leather jacket that his mum painted on the back of, a white top that hugged in all the right places and skinny black jeans which completed the whole look. The choice was also partially because he looked fit as shit in the outfit. Once he had adorned his outfit and gelled his hair just right he quickly snapped a picture and sent it to Callum. If only he knew what that did to him. Callum was left dumbfounded by how good Ben looked. And if he thought Ben was attractive enough in the photo then he would be gobsmacked when Ben showed up to the party.

When Callum opened the door he was greeted by an already slightly tipsy Jay, Lola and Ben.
“Callum! Mate, you look great!” Jay shouted above the music that was blaring from inside the house and brought Callum into a bear hug. He could smell the booze radiating off him but luckily Lola managed to pull him off and drag him inside which left only Ben and Callum outside.
“Well don’t you look smart, ay?” Ben giggled to himself and reached out to tug on the lapels of Callums blazer. Unlike Ben, he didn’t go for a cool and macho character to become for the night. He opted, instead, to go as the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. He read the books with his mum when he was a kid before she left so they held a special place in his heart. To achieve the look he adorned a deep red blazer, cream waistcoat, white jeans and dark brown shoes. He topped off the look with a white, face paint nose along with whiskers, painted cheeks and a pocket watch which rested in his waistcoat. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol running to his head but Ben found him entirely endearing. He adored how sweet and innocent he looked but also how beautifully the get up fitted him. The two stood a little too close together for a little too long, neither one wanting to move until Callum stepped back and laughed off Ben’s compliment.
“You don’t look too bad yourself” he tried to hide the blush that threatened to creep its way to his already red cheeks.
“Got to look my best, even in dress up. Besides, everyone loves a bad boy” Ben, in his moderately drunken haze, winked at him before walking into the party with Callum following shortly behind.

Even in the crows of at least 50 drinking college kids Callum kept finding Ben, He looked carefree, easy. He was dancing with anyone who looked his way, staying topped up on the drinks and overall just being the life and soul. At some point in the night he noticed Ben looking awfully cosy with some random girl, probably one of Frankie's friends, in the corner of the living room. She had her hands all over him, in his hair or on his chest or on his face. The sight made him sick to his stomach. Some part of him prayed that this was just her getting too handsy while Ben was trying to get out of it but the laughs and looks and whispered words drifting from the two told him otherwise. Frankie noticed his far off look and snatched herself away from the group she had found to see him.
“What’s so interesting over there then?” She poked her head over his shoulder in an attempt to find the source of distraction.
“Oh nothing much, was just in a world of my own for a second” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. Frustration and anger bubbled just under his skin.
“Hm… You seem way too sober right now so take this” she handed him a shot glass filled with a bright blue liquid.
“And lighten up, yeah?” Callum was never the type to drink. He always wanted to know what was going on and be able to look after his often paralytic drinking partners but tonight he needed something to take the edge off. Without considering much he downed the shot in one and savoured the burning sensation that trickled down his throat. The feeling made him wince but he could already feel the effects. For a moment he still stared at the couple in the corner before turning on his heels to join Frankie, Jay, Lola and some other people from college in the kitchen.

3 bottles of cider, 2 yager bombs,a shot of vodka and a rum and coke later and Callum was extremly drunk and all of a sudden everything was too much. The lights were too bright. The room was too full. The air was too thick and sticky, none of it had enough oxygen to reach his brain. Something was missing rather, someone was missing. Out of the corner of his eye he caught Ben opening the patio doors and walking out into the dark garden. That familiar itch returned to his fingertips, the need to be around Ben. He managed to push through the seemingly never ending crowd, ignoring both Frankie and Jay calling him, to follow Ben outside. The rush of fresh air made the room spin but that didn’t matter as all his focus was on finding Ben. It didn’t take long for him to locate Ben with his back to the wall, a cigarette between his fingers and face to the heavens. He looked downright sinful. He couldn’t help the jealousy that returned to his veins when he thought back to seeing Ben with that tart. Before his brain could catch up Callums feet were already walking towards Ben.

The sound of footsteps made Ben look down and spot a lanky figure walking towards him which he immediately recognised as Callum. The warm light from the nearby kitchen window casted them in a sweet glow and “Like a Virgin” playing from inside provided the backing track to the moment. He couldn’t help the smirk that was painted on his lips when he noticed the pink tinge on his nose that was fueled by both the alcohol and cold nipping at his skin.
“Someone looks like they’ve had a good time” It was obvious that Callum was drunk, more drunk than him at least. He swayed slightly as he walked and his limbs hung loosely.
“Who was that girl you were with inside?” Huh, so he did notice them. The question is, why did he care?
“Oh she was just some girl, someone in Frankies drama course I believe.” Ben’s flippant response only angered Callum more. He stepped forward so now they were only fractionally apart.
“You like her then? She seemed to be all over you.” Callums blunt tone was a shock to Ben's ears and he would have to be blind to not see how agitated Callum got after seeing Ben being close with someone. Hm.
“Not at all Cal,” the nickname sparked something inside him.
“She was desperately trying to get yours truly into bed, couldn’t blame her to be honest. She is not really my type though” what was that supposed to mean? The answer did seattle his jealousy but didn’t solve his confusion.
“What is your type then?” Ben softly bit down on his bottom lip, scanning Callum’s face for any signs of what answer he was looking for.
“Hm, I would say around 6 foot tall, brown hair, six pack and baby blues” He quirked an eyebrow, almost challenging Callum’s understanding of what he said. What women would be 6 foot ta- wait. Wait wait wait. Does he mean what he thinks he does? Before Callum could answer that question a hand was gently cradling the side of his face and slowly pulling him closer. Ben noticed the shock and realisation on Callum’s face as well as the well deserved blush that finally was allowed to spread across his cheeks and the bridge of his own. He decided it was his time to play. The two boys were so close that Callum could smell the cigarette smoke and alcohol on Ben’s breath. It was intoxicating. He kept flicking his eyes from Ben’s eyes to his lips and back up again, waiting for any sort of indication of what was going to happen next. His eyes fluttered shut and they were only millimetres apart. This was it. He was too drunk to think about what this meant for him, for their friendship, for everything. He held his breath.

“I better be off, Cal” Ben pulled away and looked him in the eyes. Hook, line and sinker. He knew exactly what he was up to and embraced the look on Callum's face. It was one of confusion and he was evidently flustered. Callum was lost for words. Even if he had something to say he wasn’t sure the words would come out, if he could even remember how to speak. Ben brushed his arm with Callum’s as he walked back into the house to meet Jay and Lola before leaving the party. Fuck.

Chapter Text

“Callum! Callum!” The noise infiltrated Callum’s sleeping mind and made him immediately aware of the ache in his bones caused by the awkward sleeping position and the pounding in his head thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol he drank the night before. He opened one eye to peer at whoever ruined his peaceful slumber.
“Get up you lazy shit, I need to clean” Frankie stood over at the doorway of the room, throwing a cushion at his head. The feeling of the brick hitting him made the whole room spin and the little food that resided in his stomach threatened to make another appearance.
“How much did I drink?” He somehow managed to pull himself up, cradling his head in his hands, taking a moment to feel sorry for himself.
“Well you didn’t have too much but then you came back in from the garden and went nuts! You had sourz, rum, vodka, anything you could get your hands on” Shit, the garden. If the alcohol didn’t make him feel sick then the memory of the garden did. He could feel everything all over again. The blush on his cheeks, Ben’s breath on his face, his heart beating out of his chest, the edges of his vision going blurry, his pupils expanding in order to soak up every ounce of Ben Mitchell and that moment. Then he remembered the panic. Did anyone see them together?
“Uh, did I go into the garden?” Right, stay calm Callum. Frankie has eyes everywhere and if anyone was going to see what happened then she would have. And anyway it wasn’t like they did anything. It was just two friends talking in a garden.
“Yeah, do you not remember?” He shook his head, not able to trust the words to leave his mouth.
“Oh. I don’t know what you were doing out there but you must have been more drunk than I thought because it was fucking freezing.” Her laugh wasn’t reciprocated.
“On my own?” She was looking at him weirdly now.
“I think so? Ben was out there smoking at some point but he came in a while before you did.” Callum could feel the anxiety evaporate from his body. This was good, very good.
“You finished interrogating me now?” He nodded, “Right, well as payment for making me clean up your sick you can go get me a tea from the cafe.” She walked back out of the room, leaving Callum to his thoughts. The promise of fresh air and some relief was enticing. He threw on his trainers and left the home in the search of coffee, his hair and creased clothes be damned.

One of the many skills Ben had was his ability to hold his alcohol. While Jay was practically dying in the spare room, getting up to vomit every hour, Ben was up with the sun and showering to wash the smell of booze and cigarettes off his body. In the silence of the bathroom, Ben casted his thoughts back to the garden. The whole scene repeated in his mide over and over and over again. Callum was attractive, beautiful even but never in a million years would Ben think that Callum liked him back. The look on Callum’s face when Ben walked away was burned into his mind. He could have kissed him. He could have closed the space between them. Indulged in the feeling of having Callum all to himself. Give Callum everything he has. But where was the fun in that?

While washing his hair he allowed himself to build an image in his head. He thought about what it would be like to kiss Callum, to hold his head perfectly in his hands, to share the most intimate of moments with this sweet and perfect boy. No, Callum was so much more than a boy. He was a tear of sunlight dropped from the heavens. He was a thing that was painted in light strokes of gold and was deserving of all the good things that this mortal world had to offer. That’s exactly why it didn’t make sense for him to like Ben. While Callum was sweet and innocent and perfect, Ben was broken, rough around the edges, unable to give people the good they deserve. If Ben was good then why did Phil treat him the way he did? Why did his mum leave him for most of his life? Why couldn’t he do anything right? Everything Ben touched turned to shit. A few years ago there was someone else in his little family. Paul. He was a lot like Callum. He was beyond perfect. At 14 he had beautiful, curly, brown hair that just about reached his shoulders, deep brown eyes, and a smile that could light up a room. Somehow he managed to stick with Ben no matter how angry he got, how hard he would try to push him away, what he did. Paul would do anything for anyone and was known by everyone for his sweet nature. That’s why Ben liked him so much. He found himself becoming nervous in his presence, always looking at him. He remembers the way that Paul would chew on his bottom lip when he was nervous and the way his eyebrows furrowed when he was concentrating which left a crease in his forehead and the way his eyes would gently shut and head bob when he was listening to his favourite music. Every fibre of his was intoxicating.

Paul loved Ben for who he was. In fact, Paul was the first person that Ben came out to after Jay. It sort of just came out, no pun intended. Both boys were sitting in the field, Ben's field, listening to music and doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. That’s what was good about being with Paul, Ben could just be himself. They could just exist in each other's company. Something about the way the sun hit his face, the breeze brushed his hair, his eyelashes rested on his cheeks made something stir inside Ben. They were both only in year 10, 14 years old or so, but no one had made Ben feel this, well, normal before. That’s when it happened. He didn’t even think about it. One minute he was looking at the sun necklace that hung on his neck and the next he was saying it.
“I think I like you” And just like that it was out there. A smile crawled onto Paul's face when he glanced over at Ben.
“I quite like you too”
“I don’t mean it like that, Paul. I know we are friends but-” Tears started to form in his eyes.
“I know what you mean Ben. And I know what I said.” From that point on they never left each other's side. Their young relationship was composed of stolen moments in empty classrooms, walks at night and days spent at the other's house when their parents were out. The Ben that he was with Paul was completely different to the one he was outside. He wasn’t loud or arrogant or confrontational or mouthy. He was soft and gentle and kind. That’s the Ben he wanted to be so very bad.

It was good, they were good, until their last day together. They spent it together as usual in Ben’s, no, their field basking in the last of the summer sun. Once the sun set they decided to make their way back to the square to get something to eat or watch TV in Paul's room. They reached the mostly empty square when they saw them. A group of much older boys were loitering outside and noticed the two holding hands. How stupid could he have been to be holding Paul’s hand that close to their homes? The boys shouted abuse at the two and Ben, not being able to keep his mouth shut, walked over to them and started to mouth off. The next few moments passed by in a blur. The next thing Ben knew he was on the floor, helplessly watching as his first love, best friend, partner was being beaten black and blue. He was told the next day by his dad that Paul died in hospital. His whole world came crashing down. Jay stood next to him that day and helped Ben to the floor as he cried in his arms, holding on for dear life. It was all his fault, he did nothing to defend Paul and he was the one who provoked the men. He lit the match and walked away. Since Paul, Ben swore to never let anyone get that close again, never let anyone else get caught in the shit show that was his life. And then Callum had to come around and ruin it. Ben could feel him lodging himself under his skin and he was helpless.

Before he could continue to think about everything and anything, Jay was banging on the door, begging to reach the toilet before his stomach jumped ship.
“Calm down drama queen, I'll be out now.” Ben took a deep breath, tightened a towel around his waist and opened the door. Jay barged his way in and chucked his guts up into the toilet while Ben went back to his room. Once his bedroom door was closed, Ben made his way over to the wardrobe to retrieve his clothes for the day. During his search, Ben caught a figure walking down the street outside of his house from the corner of his eye. He turned his head only a fraction and immediately recognised the figure as Callum. He must have felt Ben’s presence so Callum looked up to see him in the window in only a towel, his hair damp against his forehead. Oh god. Ben took this opportunity to play with Callum for a second. Once he knew Callum was looking at him Ben lifted his arms to rest on the back of his head and stretched out, his toned stomach and chest on full display to Callum. The muscles in his neck, his jawline, his silhouette, everything about this boy put Callum in a trance. As he stretched upwards, Ben's towel loosened just enough to allow it to drop slightly and expose his pelvis. Callum felt his mouth go dry. Ben looked like a Greek god and boy did he know it. Shame creeped into Callum’s thoughts as he was made aware of the feeling in his gut and the blush on his cheeks. He had never moved so quickly in his life, turning on his heels and practically running to the cafe. Ben had him right where he wanted him.

“What are you laughing at?” Lola, who was in a much better state than Jay, settled herself on the edge of Ben’s bed while Lexi waddled over to Ben, jabbing his leg, waiting to be picked up.
“Nothing whatsoever, Lo'' he was far from convincing as he allowed the smirk to still play on his lips.
“Ah right right. How’s Callum?” The mere mention of his name made Lexi’s ears prick up.
“Daddy’s friend Clum?” That made Ben’s heart do something funny. Due to her age, Lex couldn’t properly pronounce his name but the nickname did suffice.
“Yes princess.” Ben scooped her up in his arms and kissed her gently on the forehead.
“Can we see him today? Play princess’?” Her early morning mane fell over her eyes but that didn’t distract from the twinkle in them at the prospect of seeing her favourite human at the moment. The two had become awfully close in the past few weeks. When Callum would walk to the Mitchell house before college he would often sit at the dining table colouring with Lexi while waiting for Ben to finish getting ready. When they would go to the park on the weekends she would always beg Callum to put her on her shoulders so she could be “taller than daddy” and push her on the swings. When they would have late starts at college they would take her to the cafe and she would steal a piece of toast off of Callums plate. It made his heart skip a beat to see his little girl so happy but made something twist inside of him. Fear creeped in knowing that Callum was slowly making his way into not only his but his daughter's life.
“Uh I can ask darling. Why don’t you go and find what dress you want to wear today?” He placed her gently back down and urged her out the door, feeling Lola’s eyes boring into him as he went.
“What is it?” He didn’t look at her, instead he went about pottering around his room and throwing clothes on.
“I don’t know what you mean?”
“You're staring, I can feel it. Lo, I am gay, you know I am gay. You can look at me all you want but it ain’t ever going to happen… again” Ben Mitchell did what Ben Mitchell did best, deflect.
“You and Callum seemed pretty cosy yesterday.” Her stare didn’t falter and neither did his facade.
“I didn’t speak to him most of the night.”
“What about in the garden?” Ben stopped in his tracks, once again casting his mind back to the time.
“Nothing happened in the garden. I went out for a fag and he came out to talk to me, got to hot inside. We talked, I left, that’s all” To prove his confidence he turned around to face her and didn’t leave her gaze once.
“Hm, I wonder why he was looking so sheepish when he came back then?” The two just stared at each other, neither wanting to back down. A few beats passed but eventually Lexi came bounding back into the room adorned in a beautiful blue dress. The young child was oblivious to the tension building.
“Daddy! Let’s go!” She crossed her arms defiantly and stopped her foot. She was so much like her dad, throwing a paddy when she didn’t get her way. Ben’s stern look was swiftly replaced with a gentle smile.
“First, breakfast, I’ll text Callum, now my girl.” He reached his hand out for her to take, which she immediately did, and the pair wandered downstairs leaving Lola in a huff.

“You up for a tea party later?” Callum somehow managed to balance the two coffee cups in one hand and fish his phone out from his pocket with the other. The same smile that he had been wearing a lot lately appeared on his face but when he casted his eyes up to look at the Mitchell house it fell. He loved Lexi. She was so much like her dad with a proper little diva attitude and determination to get what she wants.
“I was wondering where you got off with my tea.” Frankie magically appeared next to him but Callum couldn’t seem to pull his eyes away.
“Uh yeah sorry, here you go” He didn’t even look at her properly, just held his arm out for her to take her cup.
“Earth to Callum Earth to Callum, what are you looking at?” She followed his eyeline and was confused to find he was staring at the house.
“Are you obsessed with Ben Mitchell or something?” She jokingly nudged his side but that did little to stop the embarrassment settling in his veins.
“What? No, no, of course not. What makes you say that?” His tone was more pointed than he intended.
“Chill out Cal, was only asking. You have just seemed to be spending a lot of time with him recently.” The two began to walk back towards Frankie's parents house.
“I am just branching out, that’s all. Don’t worry Frank, not going to leave you in the dust!” He jokingly pushed her slightly with his hip and the two laughed.
“Oh yeah yeah, of course you are Cal.” He stopped on Frankie’s doorstep and awkwardly shifted from foot to foot, wringing his hands together.
“Speaking of Ben, he asked me to hang out with him and Lexi. I know I said I could help you with homework today and everything and I-” He had always been worried about letting people down, that’s just the type of person he is. Since he was a kid he was always offering to help people, sticking to promises and doing anything for anyone. It was something his dad had never done for him. Jonno was never there for Callum and with Stuart being gone most of the time he had to be there for himself. He never wanted anyone else to feel like they didn’t matter to him or feel alone like he did so moving around plans always put him into a slight panic.
“Oi, we will have none of that. Of course you can go see your little crush.” He felt himself go numb, cold, exposed. He could feel the colour flee from his face and the trepidation flood his eyes.
“Frankie I am not gay and I don’t have a crush on fucking Ben Mitchell” His speach was shaky and more aggressive than usual but he just couldn’t bear the thought of anyone thinking he had on stupid crush on some stupid boy. Frankie’s expression screamed confusion and she was searching Callum’s eyes for any help in understanding his frustration.
“I know Callum, it’s alright.” Although her smile and soft tone helped to alleviate a small fraction of his nerves he could still feel the adrenaline in his body. In an attempt to not say anything in a panic he just simply nodded and looked downwards.
“Oi,” she tapped his face to get his attention, “I love you.” She signed the words along with what she was saying.

Frankie was born deaf, that is all she has ever known. From a young age her family forced her to go to support groups and BSL lessons in order to help her become proud of her deafness and not let that change who she was. At 14, she was offered cochlear implant surgery but refused the surgery. She was always headstrong and was adamant that surgery or not, she was still Frankie, she was still deaf and she didn’t need fixing. When CAllum met Frankie he had no idea what being deaf was let alone what BSL was but she taught him so much. Everyday he would go home and learn a little bit more sign language to speak to her the next day at school. They still used it often in crowded rooms, silent classes or just during everyday conversations to ensure he still remembered everything.

“I love you too” He signed back and hugged her tightly, hoping this would convey his apologies.
“Now, off you get. Tell Ben I said hi!” Without giving him time to respond she disappeared into the house and left Callum to make his way to his tea party.

Chapter Text

Ding dong. The sound of the doorbell interrupted the Mitchell breakfast and it was music to Lexi’s ears.
“I’ll get that.” Sharron placed down Denny’s breakfast infront of him and made her way to the door. She wasn’t alone, though, as a very excited Lexi bounded her way in front of Sharron, squealing as she went. Ben just watched as his little girl ran to see who was at the door, pride spreading throughout his chest, shrouding every other emotion besides love. Lexi was just about tall enough to stand up on her tippy toes and poke a hand through the letter box to see who was outside.
“It’s Clum! Dad, dad, he is here!” She jumped up and down on the spot, begging Sharron to open the door.
“Out the way now Lex, let me get to the door!” Sharron shared Ben’s love for the little girl and the sight of her being excited would never get old. She ushered her out of the way and reached out to open the door and, low and behold, it was Callum wearing the same old dopey smile.
“Aw alright sweetheart? Have you come to see Ben?” Her warmth radiated through the doorway. She turned slightly to call for Ben but before she could the small, blonde, ball of energy came barging past and flung herself at Callum’s legs.
“Daaaaaaadddyyyyyy! Can we go!” She tugged at Callums jean leg, giving him her best puppy dog eyes to encourage him to help her. Sharron took a moment to smile at the scene before disappearing back into the room, swiftly being replaced by Ben who immediately caught Callums eye. Instead of staring back, Callum turned his gaze downwards with a blush much to the amusement of Ben.
“Not yet, we have got to get you bundled up don’t we?” Ben turned around to scoop up her hat, gloves, scarf and coat.
“But my princess dress.” The young girl turned to hide her face in Callum’s leg and pout.
“Even princesses need to stay warm, don’t they, Cal?” The nickname wasn’t unusual, almost everyone since his childhood had called him that, but Ben never called him that before. The way it sounded in his voice made his stomach flip slightly and he felt… something. Sick? Nauseous? Dizzy?
“Uh yeah, of course they do. Can’t have you getting frostbite can we?” He pushed her hair behind her ears, gently turning her face towards her dad. She took a second to think about his words before walking back towards her dad to put on her winter clothes.
“There we go, all nice and toasty!” Ben picked her up under her arms and spun her around, earning a giggle from his daughter. Callum was still not used to seeing Ben like this, soft, warm, happy. Anyone could see how happy Lexi made him and the adoration he had for the little girl.
“Can we go now?” She was placed back on the floor and stopped her foot defiantly, she was going to get her way and she knew it. Such a little Mitchell.
“Yes, we can princess. Let me just get my coat” Ben crouched down to her level and tapped her on the nose. From this angle Ben could just about see Callum's face and catch his attention. He smiled up at him, like butter wouldn’t melt, like this morning never happened. The smile that adorned Callum’s face was uncontrollable. Once Ben had his coat on they were setting off across the square to his mum's house.

“Are we going over nannies?” Lexi was skipping between the two boys, bundled up, her hat falling just over her eyes.
“We are, and we are going to meet mummy over there too.” Callum had never met Kathy let alone been to her house. He couldn’t lie, he was quite nervous.
“You going to go and knock then?” He nudged her in the direction of the Beale house. She ran off in front of the two and knocked on the door, waiting a moment for Kathy to open it. To Callum’s surprise, an older looking man opened the door. He was only a touch taller than Ben, grey harried, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose.
“Listen, I don’t want whatever you're selling I- oh, hello Lex” This man didn’t have the same tone that most had when talking to children, especially when talking to Lexi.
“Hi uncle Ian” The girl's voice was different as well. It was mocking, playful. She placed her hands on her hip and made a face at Ian.
“Alright brother? Where’s mum?” Brother? That was Ben’s brother? Wow. He could tell who got the handsome genes.
“Ben. She’s inside, making a cuppa. Hurry up, you're letting all the heat out.” Ian stepped back inside the house and wandered upstairs to his office. That was typical Ian. Always worrying about money and where it was going. Lexi ran in behind him and located her nan in the kitchen who was more than happy to see her.
“I didn’t know you had a brother? You said you didn’t have an older sibling to look up to?” The two stopped just on the doorstep, Callums head tilted in question.
“You’ve seen Ian, not much to look up to is he. Slimy” The face he made with the last word was nothing but humorous, poking his tongue out in disgust and laughing when going to join his daughter.

“Still!” Lexi scolded Callum for the slightest twitch in his face.
“Yeah, Cal, hold still! How is she supposed to do her work in these conditions?” Ben put on his best posh voice. He was sat up on the sofa peering down at Callum sat cross legged on the floor with Lexi on her knees in front of him, carefully panting on the blues, reds, purples and yellows. Callum noticed that her tongue was poking out in concentration, much like what Ben does in college. He raised his hands in defence, laughing deeply as she pushed his arms down and scolded him once more. He looked to Ben for some kind of help but was simply met with a helpless look and a shrug of the shoulders.
“One more thing,” She added the final touch of glittery pink highlight to his cheeks,
“done!” She leaned back to admire her work, clearly happy with it as she ran off to retrieve a mirror and handed it to Callum dramatically. His face was covered in all sorts of colours with very little rhyme or reason but it almost made his heart burst nonetheless. He could just about make out Ben’s muffled laughter beside him.
“Uh, wow Lex! I look…” He couldn’t quite find the words,
“Quite pretty I think” Ben stepped into the frame. He hooked a finger under Callum’s face and turned it towards his own. He inspected his daughter's artwork, twisting his face to see it in full. Callum’s doe eyes were entirely focused on Ben, pupils dilating and blinking up at him with that smile that was almost solely designated to time being spent with Lexi.
“I agree, very pretty Callum.” He doesn’t think he has ever moved so quickly in his life, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment of being caught in such a compromising position by Lola who was now standing by the dining room table. She fished her phone out from her pocket and focused it on Callum’s face.
“C’mon Cal, give us a smile! You do look very pretty” Unlike Ben, Lola did little to contain her laughter. Ben, who seemed far from embarrassed, crouched down next to him and gestured for Lexi to come and join the photo.
“You’ve got to pose Callum!” He nudged him gently in the shoulder, attempting to reassure him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. The moment was nothing but sweet, just like him.
“Like this! Watch me Clum!” Lexi turned to him and gave him her best princess pose to copy which he did, shame be damned.

“3…2…1… and done!” After looking at the photo herself, Lo turned the phone screen to face the group which made Lexi beam. Ben matched his daughter's expression as he absorbed every inch of the photo. He noticed Callum’s eyes scrunched up as he smiled and laid his hands under his chin. He noticed Lexi’s arms being thrown around Callum’s neck and her face being pushed up against his. But he also noticed something that scared him. Instead of looking at the camera like the other two, Ben was focused on the two beside him. His face was doughy and his hair fluffy against his forehead. His hand was laying tenderly on Callum’s shoulder. What truly scared him though was how carefree and simple life looked through the rose coloured camera lens. They looked comfortable and untouched by the harsh world. Callum always looked that way, he always looked innocent and frankly angelic. He should stay that way not be ruined by the tornado called Benjamin Mitchell.
“I love it! Thank you, Clum!” She leaned in and kissed him gingerly on his cheek before running off to the kitchen table to grab a brush and some bobbles off of the chair.
“Oh I am sorry Lex, I don’t have time to do your hair. I have got to go help Jay with some homework.” She frowned down at her and caressed her cheek.
“Yeah, of course, homework.” Ben joked which earned him a stern look and a giggle from Callum. Oh if only he could take that noise and bottle it up forever.
“But- But mummy…” She dropped the brush and bobbles down at her side and had tears in her eyes. The sight made pain pang through everyone's hearts.
“Uh, I can do your hair Lex. If you want?” Callum’s voice was quiet but dripping with contentment and hope. Fucking hell. Ben needed to get a grip.
“You can?!” Lexi practically squealed. Ben and Lola both looked at him with shock as he nodded his head. Lexi swiped the equipment from off the floor and sprung over to sit in front of Callum.
“Okay missus. Make sure you thank Callum very much and I’ll see you later, yeah?” Lola followed behind her, kissed her on the forehead, waved goodbye to the boys and made her way out.

“Sit down in front of me then, Lex. Do you want one or two plaits?” She took a moment to carefully consider her options. Ben looked on in amusement and surprise as Callum dragged the brush through his daughter's long, blonde hair.
“Two!” Ben looked at her with a tilted head, urging her to finish her request appropriately.
“Please, Clum” He went about sectioning out the hair and braiding it carefully into two even braids. The room became occupied with nothing but silence. A comfortable silence. The kind of silence that falls around you unexpectedly and lets you fall completely and utterly in love with a moment. Ben rested his elbow on the arm of the sofa and leaned into his knuckles. Blissful.
“And……… Done! There you go darling” Without skipping a beat she ran off upstairs to look at herself and show her uncle Ian who had been hiding away upstairs all day. Callum stood up to stretch his legs and go to wash the makeup off his face in the kitchen sink. Ben followed behind him and lent against the doorframe.
“She loves you, you know?” The comment took him off guard. He paused his action of washing his hands and considered what he had said.
“Well, who wouldn’t ay?” He joked but Ben didn’t laugh. From the corner of his eye he could see Ben smiling in agreement, just, looking at him. He continued to clean his face, turned off the tap, and grabbed the flannel from the kitchen counter to dry off. Ben heaved himself off of the doorframe and strode towards him, slowly, until he stood directly in front of him. All the colour left his face. He stared down at Ben, searching his eyes for, well, anything.
“You, missed a bit.” Ben reached up to wipe some remaining red blush from his cheek. He did so slowly, meticulously, and gently. His movements paused for a minute but they were interrupted by the kitchen door opening and Lola, accompanied by Jay, walking in.
“How is she?” The pair were giggling amongst themselves, oblivious to the awkward tension that now settled between Ben and Callum.
“She’s alright, uh, showing Ian and mum her hair I think.” Ben pointed in the general direction of the stairs, walking away from Callum leaving him cold and alone.
“I'm just gonna…” Instead of finishing the sentence, Callum pushed past the couple and walked outside and in the direction of his house.

Lola was suddenly aware of the tension and so was Jay.
“Oh, okay. I’ll go and get her then it’s getting late and… Yeah” She made her way upstairs and threw a “talk to him” look at Jay. Ben busied himself with clearing away clean mugs and cleaning an already spotless counter top.
“So, you gonna tell me what that was or?” Jay lent back against the counter top and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about mate” He didn’t meet Jay’s eyes.
“Uh huh. You have no idea why Callum was blushing like an idiot and left so quickly? C’mon Ben, I might be an idiot sometimes but I am not blind. And I saw the photo Lola took of you lot earlier. I am your brother, talk to me.” He moved towards Ben but still left enough space between them in order to not shroud him, make him feel trapped. Ben was like a scared animal sometimes. Come too close too quickly and he’ll run.
“I’m just having fun, alright? Nothing serious just- fun.” Ben threw up his defences. Technically, he wasn’t lying. It was just a bit of fun. Ben had no actual feelings towards Callum in the slightest; he just liked his company, that’s all. And if he enjoyed the sight of Callum’s bashful smile and blush when he did certain things then that was his business, no one else's.
“Ben, I know what’s going on and I-” Before he could go on, Lexi and Lola returned to the room.
“C’mon princess, let’s get you home and into bed.” He picked her up around the waist, grabbed her winter clothes from the back of the door and walked back to the house.

When Callum got home the house was empty. His brother and dad were god knows where so he took use of the living room. He placed some music on his phone and settled himself on the sofa, lying down with an arm thrown over his stomach. For hours he sat with his thoughts; mostly about Ben. Today he got a glimpse of what life could be with Ben. He clung to the happy feeling in his chest and the butterflies in his stomach. Maybe it wouldn’t be all that bad if he was gay, if he came out, if he liked Ben. All of that came tumbling down with the crash of the front door swinging open and his drunk father tumbling into the room.
“What have I told you about playing this shit music?!” Jonno swung by the door and threw his bottle at the wall which crashed and shattered all over the floor. Callum jumped at the noise, quickly grabbing his phone to silence the music and standing to his feet. He mumbled some apologies to his dad and attempted to flee to his room but was stopped by his father standing in front of him. Jonno seemed to notice the few remaining specks of glitter at Callum’s hairline. His face turned red with anger. Jonno grabbed his son's face.
“What is this shit huh? You wearing makeup? What are you, a fag!” The next moments went by in a blur. All too quick and slow at the same time. Jonno pushed his son around, throwing punches and taking every opportunity to “beat the gay out of him”. Callum’s mind went blank. In a desperate attempt to ignore the pain he thought about Lexi, about Ben, about the day they all had. Nothing worked as he still felt the blows to his chest and stomach. At one point, Jonno swung for Callum but toppled over in his drunken state allowing Callum to scramble to his feet and leave the home. His escape didn’t go without his name being screamed from the living room and the sound of blood flooding his ears.

The cold winter air shocked his system but his brain was too preoccupied to care. His legs moved with a mind of their own and before he knew it he was standing on the Mitchell doorstep. What was he doing? It was nearing midnight and he was standing there like an idiot. Apparently his body ignored those thoughts as his fist raised to knock the door, the other hand clutching at his side in pain. Luckily for him, Ben was the one to answer.
“What the fuck are you playing at?! It’s 11 fucking 30 and youre knocking on my door-” He swung the door open and was shocked at the sight of him. Callum was black and blue, blood gushing from his lip and trickling from his nose, eyes fargone and distant.
“Callum, what happened? Are you okay? Get inside it's freezing.” Ben practically pulled him inside and sat him on the sofa. Callum hadn’t said a word since he got there.
“Just, wait here, I won't be a minute.” The thought of Ben leaving put Callum into a panic, his arm reaching up to grab Ben’s wrist, tears threatening to spill over. The sight alone made Ben’s heart break and his blood boil at the thought of someone doing this to such a perfect human.
“Sh, sh, sh. It’s okay, I’m only going into the kitchen alright. I won’t be a minute” Ben had tears forming of his own now. He placed Callum’s hand back into his own lap and ran into the kitchen to get the first aid box. When he came back, he sat down in front of Callum with a towel in hand and bandages placed down by his side. In silence he brought the flannel to Callum’s face and gently dabbed away the drying blood. When he touched the small cut on his eyebrow Callum winced away which only worsened the pain in his heart. Throughout the whole process Callum sat in silence, his eyes never leaving Ben but all the colour had left them, leaving only grey behind. The twinkle that was once there had fanished.
“Right,” Ben made sure he spoke softly and didn’t move too fast when he packed away the supplies and placed them on the coffee table.
“Let’s get you up to bed, yeah?” He offered his hand out to Callum who took it graciously and the pair walked upstairs to Ben’s room. A soft amber light lit up the room from Ben’s bedside lamp. He helped Callum get situated on the bed.
“Can I, can I help you get undressed?” He nodded slightly. Ben anxiously crouched down and lifted the hem of Callum’s shirt up and over his head to reveal purple bruises which littered his chest and stomach. Ben felt his heart drop and he felt sick. He pushed all his emotions down and pulled one of his black t-shirts from his chest of drawers. Once on, he noticed how small the top was on Callum but it was going to have to do.

“Cal, Callum,” Ben tapped under his chin to gain his attention.
“I need you to lift yourself up a tad, so I can get your jeans off” Callum did so and soon his jeans were discarded on the floor. Ben helped him to get comfortable under his duvet and turned to turn the light off and leave the room. He felt Callum grab his wrist, much like he did downstairs.
“I’m going to sleep on the sofa, let you get some rest.” Callum’s eyes were pleading and those now common tears threatened to spill once more.
“Stay, please” Callum sounded like a scared child, his voice breaking and shaking. Ben took a deep breath in, steading his heart rate.
“Okay, okay. If that's what you want.” His smile wasn’t reciprocated. Ben lifted up the duvet and slipped in under it, facing Callum. He left just enough distance between them. His hand rested on the pillow between them and Callum slowly took it in his own. Ben’s eyes didn’t leave Callum’s face, even when Calum's eyes fluttered close. He just watched on. Seeing his chest rise up and down, his cheeks regain their colour and his eyes twitch as he dreamed. What on earth was he going to do?

Chapter Text

Ben's body was aware of the weight next to him before his somewhat conscious brain could catch up and remind himself what it was. Then he felt the gentle breathing down his neck. His eyes fluttered open, adjusting slowly to the light, but everything was blurry and out of focus. Ah yes, his glasses. He reached a hand out and searched for them. Once found, he perched the black rimmed and slightly rounded frames on the bridge of his nose, bringing the whole world into focus. He started putting together all the parts of the puzzle. At the sight of Callum, more specifically the bruise just under his eye, all the memories of last night came flooding back. He could feel the same pain spread throughout his chest and the anger bubbled up and over again but Callum's beautiful resting face flooded all of that. Ben shuffled back an inch or two to fully look at his sleeping figure. One hand was pillowing his head, palm to cheek, and the other rested on his stomach limply. The simple rise and fall of his chest served as a constant reminder that he was okay, much like the purple crawling its way along his collarbone served as a reminder of what had happened last night. What had happened? Considering the state Callum was in, Ben was reluctant to ask any questions but he made a mental note to ask him once he was feeling better. Due to the small size of his shirt a small sliver of his stomach peeked out, exposing the pale skin under it. Ben dragged his eyes back up to Callum's face where he noticed his eyes darting around under his eyelids. For a few moments he just sat and watched until a small, singular tear escaped his eye and danced down his cheeks. Before it could reach the pillow, Ben hesitantly reached out and caught the tear with his thumb, subsequently drawing Callum out of his sleep with a shock.

Callum’s fight or flight instinct cut in. He threw himself awake, gripping onto the duvet around him as if his life depended on it and casted his eyes to every corner of the room before landing on Ben. Oh. He forgot about that. Shit.
“Hey, mate, it’s alright. You’re alright.” Ben scrambled to find his processor on his bedside table and quickly attached it, wincing at the sharp noise penetrating his brain. Callum wanted to say something, wanted to run, wanted to hide and never come out again. But he was frozen. When Callum didn’t respond and continued to stare at him like a scared animal, Ben decided to move only a fraction closer and take Callum’s shaking hands in his own.
“Callum, Cal,” he raised his voice marginally and moved his head in order to get Callum’s eyes to look into his own.
“I need you to listen to me okay? Can you do that?” He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out, he felt stuck.
“C’mon Cal” Ben’s tone became more stern now, desperate to get him to respond. The shift seemed to be the shock to the system that Callum’s brain needed to kick into action. He nodded, shaky and eyes still not focused but he was finally back in the room.
“Good, good, you’re doing good. Okay, uh,” If he was being honest, Ben had no idea what he was doing. This wasn’t who he was. He wasn’t kind and caring and the type to nurse someone through a panic attack. Fuck, when he had seen people crying in the corridors at school and now college he just glared at them and walked past. But Callum, he was different. He made Ben feel different. He ignited something in him that made him want to look after him, hide him from all the bad things in the world. At this moment Ben was just using the techniques his mum had used when he was younger and having nightmares.
“Now I need you to breathe with me, okay? In.” The pair took a deep, audible breath. Callum watched Ben’s every move and copied the way his chest expanded to take in air.
“And out.” They repeated the breathing task over and over and over again until Callum’s vision cleared and the room stopped spinning as much.
“You’re doing so well Cal, so very good. You with me?” His voice was much softer now, more ernst and calming. Now that his brain was clearer, Callum noticed how Ben looked. His hair was fluffy and esque, sticking up in certain places. His freckles had faded in the winter light but were just about noticeable in the dimly lit room. His cheeks were a pale pink and his eyes carried grey bags from many late nights as of late. Then, he noticed something different, something new. That was it, glasses. He didn’t know Ben wore glasses. How would he? Everyday Ben would place the scratchy domes of plastic in his eyes and deal with them for hours until he was back in the solitude of his own home. He could also notice the black disc fixed just above his ear. He guessed that due to the way Ben wore his hair he wouldn’t have seen it before.
“What’s this?” Callum avoided his question and posed his own, gesturing vaguely to the side of his own head. Ben wasn’t fond of talking about being deaf or wearing glasses. His weaknesses. That’s one of the few things his dad taught him when he was younger, never let anyone find your weaknesses. Keep them close. He learnt the hard way that his dad was right. In year 7 some boys in the year above found out he had a cochlear implant and stole the processor disc as a result. He was deaf and alone all over again for hours until some maths teacher found the boys messing about with the disc and returned it at the end of the day. Since then, Ben kept his hair that little bit longer to hide his “weakness”. He forgot that in his current state you could see his processor and certainly didn’t expect Callum to pick it up.
“Nothing.” Ben broke the eye contact the two had developed for the past minutes to stand up and shake off any adrenaline he had from the nervy start to the day.
“Do you want breakfast?” With that, Callums stomach growled loudly in response to Ben's question. That made them both giggle which provided a welcome change to the previously tense atmosphere. Ben presented his hand to Callum and helped him to his feat. He was only in his boxers and Ben’s black t-shirt which suddenly made him feel too exposed, mentally and physically. Ben noticed the way his shoulders hunched over and his arms instinctively covered his stomach.
“Uh, you wait here.” Ben disappeared out the door only to return moments later with a large, burgundy dressing gown slung over his arm.
“My dad bought it for me for christmas last year, shows how much he knows about me ay?” Jesus, his own dad didn’t even know what size clothes his son wore.
“It should fit you though, length wise.” For the first time that morning Callum’s normal, cheesy grin was back.
“Thank you. Not just for the dressing gown but for everything this morning.” He took the gown from him and threw it on, tying the belt tightly around his waist.
“No worries. Right, breakfast.”

They ventured out into the hallway only to be bombarded by Louise, vacating her room in search of food much like them. Her eyes darted between the two of them, their clothes, their messy hair. Oh good god no. A mischievous grin spiralled across her face.
“Well, well, well. Good morning you two? Good sleep?” She walked past, acting as innocent as can be. Ben was going to kill her. He could almost sense Callum turning his head down in embarrassment.
“We did thank you!” Ben all but screamed down the stairs at her. In a huff he stomped downstairs and into the kitchen with Callum trailing behind. Thankfully, downstairs was practically empty aside from Lou who placed herself down on the sofa with some dodgy teenager show on the TV.
“Right, tea or coffee?” Ben set about putting the kettle on to boil and retrieving two mugs from the cupboard.
“Hot chocolate?” Callum was leaning back on a chair behind Ben, his arms resting loosely in front of him. His answer shocked Ben, causing him to turn around to see if he was serious.
“Hot chocolate? At quarter to eight in the morning?” Callum offered a chuckle in response. He just shook his head at him but found the hot chocolate powder regardless. The scene felt weirdly domestic, especially when Ben found a song on a small radio which resided in the corner of the kitchen. Arctic Monkeys “Cornerstone” filled the room alongside Ben’s nearly silent hums. Callum couldn’t take his eyes off of him as he swayed by the counter top and poured the hot water into the mugs.
“There you go m’lord” He placed the hot cup into Callum’s cold hands with a dramatic bow.
“Thank you squire” His voice came out horse and deep, making Ben's stomach flip in a brand new way. In an attempt to hide any potential blush he took a sip from his own tea, disregarding the scolding temperature and burning sensation in his mouth.
“So,” his voice was higher than expected. Calm down Ben.
“You gonna tell me what happened last night?” With that, Sharron and Phil came bounding downstairs, bringing their little bubble crumbling down around them. An itch to get out, to avoid talking about last night burned at his fingertips.
“Fancy going to the cafe for breakfast? I'll pay.” He put his mug down harder than expected, his eyes begging Ben to agree. Luckily he did.
“Yeah okay. Let’s go get changed.” Ben’s smile helped to settle Callum’s mind and ground him once again. The pair managed to escape upstairs without being spotted by Sharron or, worse, Phil. They threw on last night's clothes, fixed their hair and came downstairs once again. This time they weren’t so lucky and were caught by Sharron.
“Morning you two. Callum, you're around early aren't you?” Yes! She was oblivious to his presence the whole night and morning up until this point.
“Oh, yeah he, uh, he came over a few minutes ago to ask if I wanted to go for breakfast. Speaking of which…” He almost got away with it. Key word; almost.
“Ah, ah, ah. No he didn’t! He was here last night. I saw him this morning!” Louise appeared in the doorway looking smug as ever, the little cow.
“You bitch…” He ignored the questioning from Sharron and the scouldings for using such language for his younger sister. Instead, he ushered Callum out of the door which he slammed behind them.

The cold, winter air seemed to shock the pair due to the severe lack of planning for this trip across the square and the absence of coats. Ben’s anger towards Louise seemed to evaporate when his eyes landed on Callum’s stupid face. His hair was still soft as it was this morning and his cheeks, nose and tips of his ears were red in the cold. He was wearing a barely there smile, attempting to draw Ben out of his temporarily grumpy mood. Oh boy did he do a good job. Warmth flooded his chest, fighting off the cold, and he was hopeless at stopping the identical smile that grew across his face.
“Right then,” he clasped his hands together, rubbing them together to warm them up.
“Breakfast” Ben stuffed his hands back in his pockets as he strode across the road. He didn’t even have to turn around to see Callum following behind him. He took his time walking, embracing the silence in order to give himself a chance to settle his stomach and allow the adrenaline to run out of his veins. The cafe door swung open causing the bell to break the silence both inside and outside, the bright and luminescent “Kathy’s” sign stood stark in the gloomy grey fog and the heat inside enticed the two boys in. The cafe was pleasantly quiet, the only noise was provided by the music playing sweetly and Kathy, Ben’s mum, humming along to it as she danced around the tables, cleaning as she went. Without saying a word, Ben stepped into the room, joined his mum, and they swayed together to the music. Nothing had to be said, no words communicated, as this was something they had been doing since he was born. When he was little, Ben would stand on his mum’s feet and dance along with her to showtunes. He would make up routines to Oliver, Les Mis, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Cabaret, the lot. His mum would simply sit back and watch on lovingly as he pranced around the room, singing along. Ben’s fondest memories were of times with his mum as a very young child before she left.

You see, Kathy loved her son more than life itself. She dedicated everything she had to him. When he was only young, no more than 6, she found herself trapped in a relationship with a man called Gavin. He made her life hell behind closed doors and she was powerless. Things reached a peak just after christmas one year and she found her opportunity to escape. She fled the country and hid abroad in South Africa for years. Ben was distraught, who wouldn’t be? He was growing up without his mum and his best friend. He lived with Phil from then on. THere was no dancing in the Mitchell household. No singing. No watching musicals. No Music. Ben was expected to be the carbon copy of his father. The only escape he could find was in the form of his grandmother Peggy. She took Ben to dance classes and gave him a space to perform. A solace. In year 8, when Ben was 12, there was a knock at the door and Kathy was back. It wasn’t the happy reunion that Ben had been dreaming about all of those years. Rather, it consisted of screaming, crying, repeated apologies and hugs on the floor. Kathy rocked him on the floor as he sobbed and clinged on for dear life. They had taken each day as it came and after 5 years it was like they were never apart. She accepted Ben, every atom of him and showed him true love. When he came out she didn’t make a fuss. She was cooking dinner for him and his brother as well as his cousins when Ben came in, all nerves and shaking. He muttered the words “I am gay, mum” and hid his face in shame. She walked over to his frozen body, took his hands into her own to reveal his face and kissed the back of them. “I know darling, I know” She looked him dead in the eyes before encasing his body in a hug. That was that. She treated him no different and she was one of the only people who Ben told about Paul. She was also the one to hold him close when Paul died.

Callum hovered by the counter and watched on at the scene before him. The mother and son twisted around the area, laughing loosely with one arm held out to their sides and linked together. Ben’s left hand rested on his mothers side and hers on his shoulder. Callum hadn’t seen anything like it. Ben looked completely free of life’s worries and he looked like he was where he was meant to be. The moment lasted no more than a minute or two until Ben pulled back and looked over at Callum with an easy smile.
“We have come for breakfast mum” Kathy had seemed not to have noticed the other presence in the room until she followed Ben’s gaze and looked at Callum. He offered her a small wave and made his way over to them both. She reached up and pinched his cheek lightly between her thumb and forefinger.
“How are you, love?” Her voice was sweet and laced with sleep, it was quite early so she mustn't have been awake long.
“I’m good, Mrs Beale.” Ben couldn’t describe the feelings he had while watching his best friend and mother talking so easily. It was similar to the one he felt when Callum talked to Lexi. It was now he could notice the unusual bags under Callum’s eyes due to his disrupted night.
“Oh don’t call me that, it’s Kathy to you!” She placed her hand over his heart and made her way over to the counter. The boys situated themselves in a kept away corner by the window of the cafe, tucked away from the rest of the world.
“Two fry ups?” She had already turned on the stove and went about retrieving eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and other breakfast items from various cupboards and fridges.
“Yes please mum.”
“Thank you Kathy” They both said in unison. The smell of the cooking breakfast must have drawn people in as they ventured in in dribs and drabs, providing an easy chatter which allowed Ben to talk freely. They joked and talked aimlessly until their food arrived along with cups of tea and a smile from Kathy.
“So,” Ben poured a sachet of sugar into his tea and stirred it in.
“We going to talk about last night?” The question caught Callum off guard as he paused in chewing his rasher of bacon. He slowly chewed the rest of the meat which gave him a few precious seconds to carefully formulate his response.
“I just had an accident, that's all” He couldn’t meet Ben’s eyes.
“An accident?” Bullshit.
“Yeah I, uh, fell on the pavement. Roughed myself up a bit that’s all” Jesus even Callum didn’t believe his lie.
“The pavement leaves you black and blue and unable to sleep?” His tone wasn’t harsh or angry, more stern than anything. Callum nodded.
“You know me, very clumsy.” His chuckle was far from funny.
“I have had a tumble or two walking home. Never left me speechless and with a panic attack though.” It was clear that Ben was not backing down, not on this.
“It’s just…” Here it goes.
“My dad he-” Ben’s knuckles went white around his mug with that.
“Wait, you’re telling me your dad did that?” Callum could see Ben’s jaw tensing. The last thing he needed was Ben shouting his mouth off and marching after his dad.
“Ben please,” He didn’t expect his voice to tremble like it did and neither did Ben. That shut Ben up really quick.
“I was home on my own after we hung out. I was just listening to some music before he came home” Once he started he couldn’t stop. Last night's events came tumbling out in great detail. It was almost enough to make Ben cry. What monster would ever do this to his Callum?! He let out his breaths in long, evidently angry sighs but Ben sat, in silence, listening to everything Callum had to say. Callum would be lying if he said it wasn’t at least therapeutic to talk about what happened. It was like the weight was being lifted off of his shoulders. He took short breaks in his story to take sips of tea and cut up his food. The story in full took no more than a minute to talk about but he took an extra 5 to explain what he was thinking, feeling. For once he had someone to listen to what he had to say.

“I just didn’t know where else to go… Thank you, for letting me stay” Ben reached across the table to wrap his hand around Callum’s which resided on his mug.
“Anytime you need me, Cal. I am always here.” His smile was dripping with sincerity and love. No. Not love. Not romantic love at least. Ben felt immense love for Callum but it was purely platonic. Callum was his best friend wasn’t he? In their little bubble, the boys didn’t notice Kathy’s appearance at the table side.
“You both done yet?” Ben moved his hand off of Callums, grabbing the last remaining sausage off of his plate instead.
“Oi! I was saving that!” Callum’s voice had no malice behind it. Ben smirked over at him and took a bite out of the sausage, holding it out of Callum’s reach.
“Now we are, thanks mum” Apparently Callum’s arms were longer than Ben thought as he snatched the last half of the sausage out of Ben’s hand and shoved it in his mouth, leaving Ben’s mouth hanging open in shock.
“You sneaky bastard!” They laughed at Ben’s reaction while Kathy smiled to herself and cleared away the plates. Seeing her boy so happy made pride spread throughout her and brought her immeasurable joy.

The boys spent a few more minutes embracing the privacy they had in their corner before deciding to vacate the cafe and go back to Bens.
“You go wait outside while I pay for this.” Ben stood at the counter, waiting for his mum to finish serving the young couple behind them.
“I thought I was paying?” Callum walked away from the door to stand next to Ben at the counter.
“Just because I’m paying now doesn’t mean you can’t pay me back.” He winked and shooed Callum away and out of the door with the backs of his hands. Just as Callum left, Kathy appeared back behind the counter with a soppy smile on her face.
“Here you go mum, I’ll pop round and see you later, yeah?” He placed the money down on the counter.
“Okay son.” She tilted her head a little while talking to him, what was up with her?
“You alright? What you smiling for?” Of course Ben loved to see his mum smiling and relished in her happiness but this was a weird kind of happiness.
“Just like seeing my boy happy.” She shrugged and continued her process of putting away mugs and cleaning up the counter and kitchen. Ben nodded and went to turn away but was stopped by his mum’s voice.
“You looked happy around Callum.” Her voice was tooth-rottingly sweet. Right, Ben, time to play it cool.
“Considering he is one of my best mates, mum.”
“You’re not like that with Jay.” She does make a good point,
“Don’t go saying that around him.” He was desperately trying to brush off any accusations she may have.
“You know you don’t have to lie to me, yeah? If you feel things-” Nope nope nope. It was time to end that conversation right there.
“I don’t. We are just friends mum. I’ll see you later.” He lent across the counter, kissed her on the cheek, and walked out to join Callum. That was a close call.

Chapter Text

New Year's eve. A day of new starts, tying up loose ends and getting insanely drunk surrounded by friends. Similarly to a large majority of other kids their age and older, Ben and Callum had been invited to a new years eve party. Neither one really knew the boy who was hosting said party but a lot of their friends, including Jay and Lola, were going so they didn’t see any harm in tagging along. They were discussing their plans for the night over a tray of chips on Ben's living room floor while watching some random show on Netflix. They weren’t paying attention to it, not really; their full attention was on each other.
“So…” Ben threw another chip into his mouth.
“I think the easiest plan would be to meet here, get suited and booted and then walk to Isaacs together.” Of course the only reason Ben wanted to meet up with Callum beforehand was to make sure they both knew where they were going. Definitely not because he wanted to savour a few minutes with Callum alone before he had to share him with a room full of drunken college kids.
“Uh about that, I got a text from Whitney earlier.” Callum was much more sophisticated with his chip eating habits, stabbing them with the wooden fork supplied from the shop and sliding them into his mouth, careful to not get sauce on his face.
“Whitney as in Whitney Dean? From our psychology class?” Whitney Dean was a nice girl from what Ben knew. She sat with a bunch of the louder, more confident girls in their class and was quite good at the topic. She had bright red hair, which she kept topped up with hair dye, that she often wore in a high ponytail much like Lola and was keen on fashion. She was always wearing the newest clothes and showcasing her colour matching skills as all her outfits fit a colour scheme. Her pearly white teeth were almost always on show as she was constantly smiling and her voice could always be heard amongst the other chattering voices. He also knew that she had a way with the lads. In the four months they had spent at college she had had at least 2 boyfriends, each one leaving her in the lurch after things got too serious. He sympathised with her, he really did, but god she didn’t know how to find a good man. She always tried it on with the rugby and football lads that she knew would break her heart but she didn’t seem to care or think that far into the future. The question was, why was she texting Callum?

“Yeah, that Whitney.” Ben nodded along.
“Why was she texting you? I didn’t even know you knew her to be fair.”
“I do have friends outside of you, Jay and Lola, Ben”
“Of course you do Cal, of course.” Callum threw a chip in his direction which hit him in the chest and fell down into his lap.
“We started talking the other week when you weren’t in class.” A few weeks ago Callum was left alone in psychology as Ben was refusing to come into college. He had a doctor's appointment for his hearing, although he claimed it was for a rash on his leg, and refused to come back to college afterwards. This left Callum sitting on his own for the lesson. Whitney had noticed this and decided to pay him a visit. She placed herself next to him without invitation and talked to him for most of the lesson. She talked, mostly about herself, and Callum was happy enough to listen and offer a response when necessary. She seemed like a sweet, kind girl and since then they had been talking every so often over social media. They were nowhere near as close as he was with Ben, or even Jay or Lola for that matter, but he could consider them friends.
“What has she said then?” Ben continued to eat his chips, adding some more salt and dipping them into the small pot of curry sauce next to his side.
“Well, she asked if I wanted to go to the party with her.” That made Ben stop in his tracks, holding the chip in his hands just in front of his mouth. That well known green monster poked its head up and filled Ben’s head with ugly thoughts of jealousy. Why was he jealous? He had no reason to be. It wasn’t like Callum was his or like there was even a possibility that he could be his. And Callum was attractive, he would have been stupid to believe that no one would ever make a move. The thing was, Callum didn’t even realise what was happening. Ben’s reaction confused him greatly. Why was he so visibly upset about someone asking if they could go to a party with him?
“Oh,” He managed to just about shake himself from his green trance.
“You gonna go then? Get a new years kiss” He didn’t mean to say it through gritted teeth, he really didn't, it just sort of came out. He shoved some more chips in his mouth to avoid saying anything else.
“New years ki- She just wants someone to go with, nothing more.” Oh his naivety was enduring.
“You’re a…” Ben had to choose his next words very carefully in order to not further incriminate himself.
“Somewhat attractive kid and that is hard to come by these days, aside from me of course.” There you go Ben. Do what you do and make a joke. Fun.
“I don’t think she is looking for a mate to watch the fireworks and play beer pong with Callum. You should go for it,” No you shouldn’t.
“Give it a go.” Please don’t. Please do anything but that. He could all but feel the bile clawing its way up his throat and into his mouth at the thought of Callum going out with anyone, let alone Whitney Dean. Callum matched this feeling. Whitney was nice and everything, a lovely girl, but she was nothing compared to Ben. She couldn’t make him laugh from the pit of his soul, couldn’t make him smile through tears, couldn’t commentate on the games of football he watched the way Ben could, couldn’t dance around the living room to little mix with Lexi and make his heart flip the way he did. She just wasn’t Ben. But maybe he was right, he usually was. Maybe Callum should try going out with her and get over Ben. This could be his chance to be the son his dad always wanted and earn his love. Anyway, to get over
someone you have to get under someone else, right?

“Okay, yeah, right. I’ll, uh, I’ll text her now.” He shot back some simple agreement to her plans and turned his phone off, blocking her out of his head.
“I can meet you though, if you want, before the party.” The air around them felt awfully thick. The chips had begun to go cold and the TV was now more noticeable in the silence.
“Yeah okay. Jay and Lo will probably be here so we will meet you two by Ruby’s then go?” The smile on his face was far from convincing. Callum nodded and shuffled the remaining, luke warm chips into his mouth to get the stale taste from his mouth. The rest of the night felt stuffy and warm, not like normal but they powered through and things were somewhat normal before Callum left to go home.

Blue shirt, or red shirt? Whitney would like the blue shirt, would say it made him look like some celebrity that she often talks about or that it made him look more toned. Ben would like the red shirt. He would say that the red would make his eyes stand stark and that it would hide the little mark at the base of his neck that he hated so deeply and that it just about showed off his waist that he worked so hard to obtain. The simple choice reminded him of how little Whitney knew about him compared to Ben. Not that it was her fault, they had only been talking a few weeks but something inside of him didn’t want anyone else to know those little secrets about him apart from Ben. He quickly buttoned up the red shirt and sprayed some aftershave, leaving the house and walking towards whitneys.

He knocked on the door and stood back onto the pavement. He could hear shouts of goodbyes bellowing within the home before Whitney appeared to replace the door. He knew she was a pretty girl, everyone did. She was wearing a tight, red, cocktail dress that stopped high up her tanned thigh with a looping gold chain belt and gold hoop earrings. She had a black jacket thrown over her arm and clutched a small black and gold bag. She was smiling, big and toothy as always, but Callum couldn’t reciprocate it. He smiled back but it didn’t meet his eyes.
“So…” She gestured down herself, urging him to compliment her like any other bloke would.
“You look… wow” He chuckled lightly. He wasn’t lying, she looked gorgeous. Callum admired the way her makeup was fixed just right and the dress complimented her figure beautifully but he felt as though he was just appreciating a piece of art in a gallery rather than being taken aback by the goddess of a date he had scored.
“You like?” She dragged her arms up from her hips to her neck, providing a show of herself and attempting to impress him.
“Y-yes, you look really beautiful Whit” Luckily for him, his nerves and anxiety came across as him simply being blown away by her looks.
“Thank you! Now let’s get a move on! We have to go find your lot.” She skipped towards him and linked her arm with his, pulling him down the pavement and towards the club.

“Callum’s timing skills really are to die for ain’t they.” Jay stood, arms crossed over his chest and shaking like a grumpy old man, much to Ben’s amusement.
“He is probably distracted…” Ben kicked at some rocks by his feet, hands shoved in his pockets to keep them warm against the cold December wind.
“By what? The new years show?” Jay tuted at him for making such a stupid suggestion. Meanwhile, Lola was dramatically marching on the spot to stay warm in her mini skirt and skanning her eyes around the square to find where on Earth Callum could be. That’s when she spotted their giant of a friend walking alongside a very particular red haired girl.
“No fucking way..” She all but squealed, pointing over the hedge at the pair.
“Is that Callum, our Callum with Mrs Dean?” Jay's mouth was hanging open dramatically, proud of his friend for punching well above his weight. Ben’s silence did not go unnoticed. Jay jokingly nudged his side to bring his eyes up from the floor.
“Oh c’mon Ben, don’t be grumpy just because you haven’t got a date.” He didn’t want a date, he didn’t even care if he didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight, he just wanted Callum.
“I’ll have you know Mr brown that I could have anyone as a date if I wanted. Just look at me and my irresistibly good looks!” He tossed back imaginary hair, earning a roll of the eyes from Jay and a wolf whistle from Lola.
“You took your time didn’t ya!?” Jay made a show of his frustration, looking down at his watch and shaking his head.
“Oh Whit you look gorgeous!” The two girls went about complimenting each other's makeup and asking where their outfits were from, leaving Jay to hold their bags and coats as they showed off their full looks. Ben and Callum took this opportunity to talk to each other while they could.
“That’s my favourite shirt on you.” Ben brushed a hand along Callum’s chest, sending shock waves as he went. Callum was right about his shirt and blushed from the confirmation.
“Thank you, thank you. Thought I would dress up a bit” Callum wasn’t the type to dress up for parties. On the few occasions he actually went for one he opted for a dressed down look but today he bit the bullet and went for a new look. And boy did Ben appreciate it.
“You two look good together…” He gestured towards Whitney with his head. God he was a glutton for punishment. Callum suddenly felt extremely awkward, not knowing what to say apart from a light breath resembling a laugh. Luckily for him, Jay broke the tension.
“Can we please go now? I’m freezing my bits off!” The group agreed and moved towards the house. Jay and Lola held hands, swinging them between themselves as they walked and Whitney managed to slip her hand into Callums which he, out of politeness, accepted. Ben was on his own, walking behind the 4 and forced to watch on in silence.

It seemed like everyone from their college was at this party. Every inch of the house was packed with drunk kids and the living room radiated the stench of WKD and cheap vodka. Music bounced from wall to wall followed by the flashing, multicoloured lights. In any other case Ben would be soaking up the aura, taking any and every opportunity to show off but tonight his mind was captured by Callum and thoughts of Whitney having her hands all over him. He sat around a coffee table alongside Lola, Jay, Isaac, Kheerat, Callum and Whitey, sharing stories and talking shit like most kids their age did. Whitney had draped Callum’s arm over her shoulders as she cuddled into his side, rubbing her hand gently up and down his thigh. The sight made Ben’s knuckles white around his bottle of whatever off brand beer he had been handed upon entering the house, which he swiftly threw down his throat to try and drown out the images forming in his head. Alas, it wasn’t strong enough. He managed to rip his eyes away from the couple across from him in order to search for something better. He landed on a bottle of brightly coloured vodka placed on an end table accompanied by a stack of small, plastic shot glasses. He lent over to grab them both and slammed them down on the coffee table.
“Why don’t we get a bit more lively, ay?” That’s all it took to convince Lola, who immediately launched herself towards the small glasses and beamed all the while.
“Fuck yeah! Pass that over here Benny boy!” Jay, Isaac and Kheerat also took a glass each, waiting to have them filled.
“Shut up, you!” Regardless of the daggers he threw her way, Ben went about filling each multicoloured vessel, including his own which he promptly chucked back with the rest of them, amused by their disgusted expressions.
“Ugh, that is mank that!” Isaac squinted his eyes in pain and threw down the plastic onto the carpet, evidently disregarding the mess it made on its way down.
“You not having one Whit? Cal?” Lola waved two of the glasses in front of their faces. Whitney looked up at Callum in question, sweetly smirking at him and tilting her head towards the glass. Ben clocked the scenario and threw back another shot. Callum was quite visibly uncomfortable due to the sustained eye contact, Ben could tell by the uncertain smile and the twitch in his eye and the way he ran his fore finger along his thumb nail. But Callum was too nice to do anything, so he took the shot from Lola’s hand and threw it back, Whitney flashing that all star smile and following suit. Callum winced at the burning sensation down his throat which made Ben smile to himself but that was soon put to a stop when he saw the same look on Whitney’s face. She cradled his face with one hand and lifted herself up to kiss his cheek. That was the final straw for Ben.
“I’m going for a fag-” Ignoring the calls from Lola and looks from Jay, Ben escaped outside and allowed himself a minute or two to calm down. Of course, it didn’t take long for Jay to join him.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” He took the lit cigarette from Ben’s hand and took a drag.
“I don’t-” He snatched it back and took a drag of his own.
“Know what you are on about.” Lying was hopeless. With the lack of a wider crowd outside of Jay, he couldn’t find the energy to hide his anger.
“You almost broke the glass in your hand when Whitney was talking to Callum and you looked homicidal before you left.” Usually, if Ben was lucky, Jay would leave him to it and let him deal with stuff like this as he saw fit. It looked like his luck had just run out. Jay crossed his arms over his chest defiantly.
“I just don’t think she has a right to be all over him.” He couldn’t make eye contact with his brother, mainly because he could already feel his eyes burning into his skull. Instead he looked at his feet and kicked up some of the grass. He could just about see Jay lower his head to catch his eye, urging him to justify his thoughts.
“She’s only known him for, what, 5 minutes? And she is already showing him off and can’t keep her hands off him.” The anger was practically radiating off of him.
“And that involves you, why?” Jay didn’t say it with any malice, rather he was attempting to make Ben talk about how he was feeling for once. Callum would do a similar thing, question what he was saying in the hopes he would open up. It was a good strategy because it usually worked. This question in particular really did make Ben think. Why did this involve him. Callum didn’t belong to him, it wasn’t like he had some claim over him. In reality Ben had no right to be as angry and jealous as he was.
“He is my best mate Jay,” He earned himself a pointed jab in his shoulder.
“Outside you of course. I just don’t want him being dragged into her little toy boy game and end up getting hurt.” He wasn’t lying. He did really care about Callum’s welfare and didn’t want to see him hurt.
“I understand mate I really do, but fighting the urge to throw a glass at her head won’t change anything. All you can do is stay by him and his choices, let him know you are here.” Lola’s ears must have been burning as she appeared in the doorway to try and hear what was going on.
“What are you two on about then?” Being the lightweight she was, she was already swaying about and slightly slurring her words. Her presence made a soppy smile crawl onto Jay's face. Anyone could see they were in love. Ben was so fucking happy for them when they finally got to together. He had been watching them tip toe around it for months and months until the end of year 11 when Jay grew a pair and asked her out over a burger at McKlunkys. It wasn’t the most romantic but it was ironically them. They had been joined at the hip ever since. Ben couldn’t think of a better person to be Lexi’s other dad. Seeing them together gave him hope that there was love out there, somewhere.
“Nothing,” He smiled at them both.
“I am going to get a drink.” He walked past them, leaving the couple in the garden and making a b-line for the makeshift bar.

Callum had been watching Ben all night. Watching one beer and a shot become anything he could get his hands on. He had been dragged over to a group of girls by Whitney and yeah, they were nice girls, but Callum couldn’t help wanting to be with one very specific brown haired, blue eyed individual.
“You’ll like them, I promise!” Whitney shouted over the loud music as she dragged Callum through the overcrowded living room to the corner by the large bay window.
“Hey girls!” The group of girls that he recognised from some of their classes turned around and spotted Whitney. A pair of the girls looked between them both with their jaws hanging slack while the rest shouted back to Whitney, ushering her over.
“Is this the almighty Callum we have been hearing about?” Said one of the girls, who had previously been taken back by his presence. The other half of the pair stepped in front of her and pulled Callum into the group by his arm.
“Hi handsome, I’m Chelsea.” She made a show off running her hand up his arm and fluttering her eyelashes.
“He is a tall one, isn’t he Whit?” Another one of the girls, who he recognized as Dotty Cotton, dragged her eyes up his body. He blushed under the bombardment of compliments. He felt his stomach twisting in knots and suddenly he was burning. Callum was never one to want unneeded attention. He would much rather occupy a quiet area with his friends than be up and dancing for everyone to see. Whitney didn’t know that, but Ben did. He could see the whole thing from his place in the open plan kitchen. He itched to run over to them and pull Callum out of there, taking him away from the unwanted pressure. The only thing keeping him in place was Jay's knowing look from beside him and said boys' words from earlier. Rushing over there wouldn’t solve anything. Instead, he poured himself another vodka and lemonade and perched up on a nearby counter.
“Hands off Chelsea! He is mine for the night!” She pushed the girls off, possessively wrapping her arms around one of his. He couldn’t find any words so just smiled down at her.
“Ah, for the night! So if you get bored of red head over here then you know where I am.” Chelsea winked up at him and hid from Whitney behind Dotty, taking a sip from whatever fruity cocktail she had in her hand.
“I’ll keep that in mind!” He shouted in order to be heard, laughing lightly. Whitneys smile turned into a fake scowl as she went into a paddy. He pulled her into him, rubbing her arm and muttering apologies as they both laughed. Callum had been keeping up appearances and faking laughs his whole life, he could do it now.

The night dragged on for what seemed like forever. No matter how hard either of the boys tried they couldn’t seem to stop their eyes from finding each other; and every time Callum was the one that pulled his eyes away and turned them back to his date. Luckily for him, Whitney was too lovesick or just too drunk to notice. She happily clung to his side, showing him off to each and every one of her many acquaintances. Ben, however, found himself completely alone for most of the night. He managed to hide himself away from Jay’s babysitting and drank on his own. He moved from the kitchen to the living room to sitting on the stairs, moving each time to get a better view of Callum. Yes, he knew this was a beyond sad way to spend his new years eve. No, he didn’t care. He was now unbelievably drunk and unable to walk straight so stayed settled on the second step of the stairs, with a clear view of the living room where Callum was standing. He was half way through his umpteenth drink when the countdown began. He subconsciously casted his eyes around to find Callum’s final location and it seemed like Callum was doing the same. They both made direct eye contact. Never looking away for a second. They weren’t smiling, weren’t laughing like everyone else, just looking at each other. It’s almost like they could read each other's minds. Everyone’s loud voices made the room almost vibrate, adding a backing track to their glances.

10… Ben stood up from where he was sitting.

9… Callum took a slow step forward.

8… The bright lights perfectly illuminated Callum’s beautiful face.

7… Ben felt his throat go dry and mind go blank.

6… The rest of the world faded.

5… They were closer now then they had been practically all night.

4… They only needed to take a few more steps.

3… Something obscured Ben’s view.

2… A head of red hair blocked Callum’s features.

1… Ben’s heart sank.

All around him were couples sharing a midnight kiss. Jay and Lola, Isaac and some random girl he didn’t recognise, Zack and Nancy, but worst of all, Callum and Whitney. The kiss was sweet, too sweet. The smell of peonies and watermelon filled his senses. He could feel soft hands on his cheeks and soft lips on his own. One of the hands pulled his arm around her waist before returning. He could feel lipstick being transferred to his face. The hands moved from his face to around his neck, pulling him down to their level. When Callum opened his eyes after a few moments, Whitney was looking at him with a twinkle in her eyes and a shy smirk, but all he could properly focus on was the lack of Ben and the sound of a door slamming.

Chapter Text

It had been difficult, but Ben had been attempting to keep it together since New Year's Eve. They still spent most days together, taking Lexi out every so often, and still walked around college together when they went back after the break. There was a small issue however, and she went by the name of Whitney. When they were hanging out Callum’s phone would be buzzing with texts from her, if she saw them out at the park with Lexi she would walk over and join, when they would walk around campus she would often be hanging off of Callum’s arm. Ben would spend most of his energy refraining from telling her to fuck off and leave them to it. For the first few weeks back at college he could have done so as they weren’t even together but that all changed on a random day in the beginning of March. A random day that Ben would hate for the months to come.

The four of them, Ben, Callum, Jay and Lola, were sitting around a picnic bench, taking advantage of the spring breeze and sun. Callum was busy attempting to study for some upcoming mocks they had while the rest of them were too occupied with relaxing and taking advantage of the break between lessons.
“Callum, we do have lessons for revision you know?” Jay stated, head turned up to face the sun.
“Yeah well someone always finds a way to distract me during the study period so,” Callum didn’t even look up from his work or stop writing, he just lifted his left hand and gestured vaguely in Ben's direction.
“That is not my fault!” Ben had stolen one of Callum’s clicking pens and distracted himself by clicking it down on the table and watching it spring up before landing back down. He did it once more but this time it landed straight on Callum’s open page, causing him to draw a messy line across his work.
“It’s not my fault I can’t sit still for two seconds Callum, It’s not my fault I refuse to do revision for any of my exams Callum, It’s not my fault I have the same sense of humour as a three year old Callum!” He mocked Ben’s voice, throwing the pen back at him in jest.
“Oh how you wound me so good sir!” Ben threw his head back and grabbed at his heart, faking his death. Callum pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
“You are such a child sometimes, you know that?” He looked over at Ben and just about caught his eye, holding the look for a little longer than necessary.
“Me? I’m the child? Says the boy who only drinks hot chocolate and complains when the jam isn’t spread evenly on his toast!” Ben, ever so dramatically, threw his arms up in defence. Jay and Lola shook their heads at them both.
“Alright lads, no need for a domestic in public alright?” Jay pointed a finger at them both to emphasise his warning.
“You two are like an old married couple!” The moment provided much needed entertainment for Lola who couldn’t hold back her laughs. Callum went back to revising, ignoring their jokes and Ben appreciated the moment, embracing their time without Whitney around. Well, that didn’t last long.

“Hey Whit!” Lola lifted up the sun glasses she had perched on her nose to look at her. While Jay and Callum also offered greetings, Ben sat back and rolled his eyes, not looking in her direction. Jay kicked him under the table, giving him a pointed look as if to say ‘don’t be such a bitch’. He plastered on the best smile he could muster and waved at her.
“Hiya guys. Uh Cal?” She moved her arm along his shoulder blades and tickled the hair on his neck. He looked up from the books he had resting on the table and furrowed his eyebrows in question.
“Can I talk to you?” For once, she looked nervous.
“Sure, what’s up?” He made no moves to stand up. Callum was the most oblivious person Ben ever had the pleasure of knowing. For a moment the table was silent, waiting for him to get up and go with her to talk.
“Get up, dick.” Ben nudged him, preventing any further awkward silence. Callum made an ‘o’ shape with his mouth and untangled his legs from under the table. The pair walked over to a more secluded corner of the college. Ben’s eyes followed them the whole way.
“Oi, nosy.” Lola clicked in front of his face to gain his attention.
“What is your problem?” She shook her head at him. In truth, she knew what was wrong and so did Jay. Since the new year Ben has been going into the worst moods whenever Whitney invited herself to their events. He often either ignored her presence completely or spoke to her in a blunt manner. Whenever he got into these moods it was usually Jay who snapped him out of it but today it was Lolas turn to scold him. Another change that that day presented was in the form of Jay's reaction to his behaviour. He stared at Ben with an odd expression, squinting at him in a way in which you could literally see the cogs turning in his head. He flicked his eyes between Ben and Callum, trying desperately to figure out what had upset Ben for so long. He was brought back down to earth by Lola showing him some random photo on her phone. Ben took that opportunity to death glare at Whitney without judgement. He silently prayed that she would burst into a hundred pieces and leave their little slice of perfection alone.

Whitney had found a quiet bench in the courtyard, secluded and away from anyone else so that it was just her and him. Callum hated it. He hated the serious atmosphere that had encapsulated him since Whitney asked to talk to him and he hated being on his own the most. Once they were sat down, Whitney just stared at him, thinking carefully about what she was going to say. He made an attempt to get this apparently life or death conversation to get started and therefore end quicker.
“Is everything alright Whit or-”
“I really like you, you know that.” She blurted it out and practically pinned him in place with her words. This conversation could go one of two ways. Option A, she says that she wants to end whatever they had going on and just be friends. Or option B…
“And I want to make it official.” Option B it was then. Callum felt himself go cold, brain running at 100 miles an hour and his mouth trying to catch up. His silence seemed to worry her.
“I understand if you don’t want to, okay. No pressure.” He really should have expected this. This is what happens in relationships. First, you become friends and start talking. Then, you get closer and start seeing each other differently. Finally, someone makes a move and the proper relationship starts. The thing is, Whitney was on step 3 and he was stuck at the very start. The distressed look on her face was practically the only thing that pushed him to give her an answer.
“I like you too.” His smile was uncertain and shaky but still there.
“Is- is that a yes then?” Her usual grin was back ten fold. He silently nodded back and huffed out a laugh. She all but lunged herself forward to catch him in a kiss to seal the deal. It was all sweet, and full of love and unsaid promises that Callum wasn’t sure he would be able to keep. The group of Whitney's friends who were watching them from nearby became a cacophony of oos and ahs which alerted Ben to what was happening.
“I take it, he said yes then.” He felt his heart drop and tried to focus on something, anything other than the new, loved up couple.
“What do you mean?” Lola and Jay turned around in unison to watch the scene occurring behind them and matched the girl groups aws.
“Aw, I am happy for them! They deserve some love” She took out her phone to snap a picture of them both so that they could look back at that moment. Jay, however, rubbed his head to try and erase the migraine that was already forming at the thought of the mod Ben was going to be in for weeks.

The two wandered back over to the group, hand in hand with blissful smiles plastered on. It made Ben feel sick. In one fatal swoop she had stolen his best friend away.
“How are you two love birds?” His words were dripping with resentment and sarcasm which went over both of their heads. Whitney was too focused on showing off her new boyfriend and Callum was too focused on pushing down the feeling of dread that was eating him up inside.
“Just happy that it's finally official!” Whitney looked up Callum, tracing his every feature. She ran her free hand up and down his arm, getting as much contact as possible. Ben had to get out and now.
“I’m- uh- going to go get some chips from the chippy.” He got up and went to turn away. Jay just had to pipe up.
“Hm I could go for some chips. You lot coming or what?” He got up, along with the others (including Whitney) and the group made their way to the chippy. He didn’t even want chips, he wanted to get away from Whitney being all loved up and Callums stupid dopey face, but Jay had to go and open his big gob and ruin it all. Now he had to sit in a hot take away surrounded by happy couples feeding each other and talking about how much they love each other and planning future house layouts and baby names and blah blah fucking blah. What a great way to spend his afternoon.

They all managed to squeeze around a circular table situated in the corner of the fairly empty shop. Whitney had gone up to get the food with Jay and Lola leaving Ben and Callum alone.
“I didn’t know that you and Whit were gonna become anything serious.” He fiddled with a wooden fork he had picked up by the door.
“Neither did I, to be honest.” It struck Ben that he didn’t sound anything like a bloke who had just gotten into a relationship with one of the most beautiful girls at college. And his lack of excitement would line up with the way he would look at Ben during the break a few weeks ago. He thought about that time at the party in the garden, or the time when Callum saw him after he a shower, or all the times he blushed when Ben would get changed when he was over. It didn’t make sense. But it wasn’t his place to say anything. He didn’t want Callum so he didn’t have a right to try and ruin his relationship. He just didn’t want him to get into a relationship with a girl he didn’t trust and see him get hurt. But, he was a big boy, he could make his own decisions.
“I thought we were just getting to know each other properly but… yeah” He smiled softly, to himself. Maybe Ben was wrong. Maybe he read everything wrong and Callum really did like Whitney. Fuck.
“Ah I see. Well I am happy for you mate.” He smiled back. He wasn’t lying. If Callum was happy then he was happy. But that didn’t explain the sea sick feeling he had when the rest of their little group returned and Whitney kissed Callum cheek as she sat down.
“I got you tomato sauce, is that alright?” She nudged the tray of chips to rest between them. Lola passed Ben his own small tray and settled hers down between herself and Jay. Oh this was upsetting. He wasn’t just third wheeling, he was fifth wheeling. If their friend group was a car he would be the spare tire. It was pitiful.
“He likes red and brown sauce, and he likes it all over not just in the corner.” He found himself practically spitting the words at her. He didn’t intend to but it just happened. Whitney stopped her movements, looking between Ben, Callum and the chips.
“It’s alright babe, don't worry.” Callum shoved a chip in his mouth to show that he wasn’t bothered by the sauce situation. That was when Ben realised how rude he must have sounded. Usually he wouldn’t care but now that he knew that Whitney would be around a lot more than she already was, he knew he needed to keep her sweet for Callum’s sake.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out like that. We just always have chips with Lex so I have his order practically burned into my memory.” He tried his hardest to flash her his most sincere smile. Luckily, she accepted his apology.
“Well, I guess I’ll just have to learn your orders too now.” The thought of it made both Ben and Callum feel horrible. Callum didn’t appreciate the idea of anyone knowing him the way Ben did. Regardless, he pushed those thoughts out of his mind. Whitney was his girlfriend now, she was going to learn these things eventually.

The others returned to chatting normally amongst themselves and so did Ben. He made crude jokes when needed, made fun of Jay at every given chance and was his usual, cocky self. When he wasn’t actively in conversation, however, his eyes kept drifting back to Whitney and Callum. He noticed every little touch, every private glance, every whispered word. He saw it all. If he thought about how it made him feel too much he could feel the tears building up and prickling his eyes. Once they had all finished up their food they made their ways to their respective homes. Jay and Lola were the firsts to go, saying their goodbyes and leaving Ben to walk Callum and Whitney home before getting home himself. They were just about at Callums door when Whitney tugged on Callums sleeve to get his attention.
“Uh, can I stay over or-” The question made Callum feel a little bit sick at the prospect of anyone seeing the trainwreck of a home. Ben had only been over once to drop off some work he left behind at his. Ben could see the panic in Callum's face as he scrambled to find an excuse for her not to stay.
“You’ve still got people redecorating haven’t you Cal?” Ben Mitchell you smart motherfucker. Whitney looked to Callum for confirmation of this claim and he was relieved to have a reason for her not to come in.
“You didn’t say?” She looked upset, more defeated really. All she wanted to do was do normal relationship things. But Callum couldn’t give her that, could he? He felt guilty. He couldn’t let her spend nights with him to watch a movie and have a cuddle, he wasn’t the type to want to walk around flaunting his relationship, he wasn’t fussed on the physical side of things. How on earth was he supposed to give her what she wanted and frankly deserves? But that was a problem for future him to deal with.
“Yeah there was a problem in the bathroom. Sorry Whit.” He squeezed her hand to prove his apologies. Ben suddenly felt like he was intruding, listening in on a personal conversation.
“Well, you could stay at mine? It’s a little bit crowded with Tiff and the kids but-” Her excited grin was enough to push him to agree.
“Yeah, I’ll just grab my stuff.” A click of a lock and the slam of a door later Callum had disappeared inside.
“Look,” for the first time, well, ever, Whitney was talking to him alone.
“I’ve seen how nervous you’ve been looking since this morning.” She looked sincere, sympathetic.
“I will look after him, you know?” In truth he did know that. From what he knew, she would never do anything to purposefully hurt Callum but that didn’t erase the sick feeling in his stomach. Maybe that was just the dodgy curry sauce he had earlier.
“I know, just a big change that’s all.” He scratched the side of his head idly.
“I get it Ben, but nothing will change between you two-” That’s where she was wrong. Everything was bound to change. Instead of them spending every other night together playing shitty video games or playing tea parties with Lexi, Callum would be playing happy families with Whitney and planning a future with her. With her. Not him. Her. The ache in his bones was now more noticeable than before.
“Listen, Whit, I gotta go. Big brother duties and all that.” He turned on his heels and fled back to the safety of his home.

The warmth inside the Mitchell home was welcoming. The smell of bolognese attacked his senses and yellow light made a nice change from the cool white street lights. He could practically feel the tightness leaving his shoulders.
“Ben, that you?” Louise's high pitched voice bounced out from the living room. He followed the noise to see his dad sat in his chair, Sharron sat in the middle of the sofa with Denny on his switch to her left and Louise curled into her right, head resting on her shoulder. They were all watching some shitty new film on TV, clearly Sharon's idea based on the disinterested look on Phil's face. While everyone else looked up and acknowledged his presence at the door, Phil had his eyes trained on the screen.
“What are you after dear old sister of mine?” He perched on the arm of the sofa, looking over Denny’s shoulder to watch him play mario kart.
“Nothing off of you,” She stated matter-of-factly.
“I need you to ask Callum for some help with Psychology. We are doing some stuff about theories in sociology at school.” You know, sometimes it shocks Ben how deeply woven Callum was into his and his family's lives.
“You know I take psychology too right?” Sharon laughed besides him, she always was amused by her step kids' antics.
“I know but by the looks of that,” She pointed at the coffee table that had a white envelope and an open letter on top of it; his progress sheet.
“You don’t know your arse from your elbow when it comes to the workings of the mind.” Her language got her a shove and a frown by Sharon.
“Now I don’t condone her phrasing but Lou is right Ben. Callum is probably her best bet. It isn’t that late, can you text him?” Usually he would be straight on it, happy at the opportunity to talk to him. But tonight was different.
“I would but he is with his new girlfriend.” Both Sharron and Lou, even Denny, were shocked at this revelation.
“He has got a girlfriend?!” Louise's eyes were practically shining, she loved knowing all of the gossip and news.
“Who is the lucky girl?” Sharron was all smiles.
“Whitney Dean, Bianca's step daughter I think.” He didn’t think, he knew. Now, if Ben spent the last few nights finding out everything he could about Callum’s new potential love interest then that was his business and no one else's.
“All my friends think she is fit!” Denny piped up, not looking up from his console.
“Kids down the vic call her a slapper.” Sharon threw her hands up in defeat, shooting Phil a disappointed look.
“What is it with this family and bloody language!” When she realised her own inappropriate words she stood up in a huff, walking in the direction of the kitchen to get a drink but not before turning back to look at Ben.
“Well, I think she is lovely. Tell Callum I am happy for him.” She smiled before turning back to the kitchen.
“I’ll, uh, I’ll text him in the morning Lou.” Ben just about managed to haul himself off of the sofa end and up the stairs to his bedroom. Once he was finally fully secluded and alone in the comfort of his own room, Ben allowed his shoulders to slump and all the pent up anger, upset, jealousy evaporated from his body. Something brought him out of his relaxation, a buzzing from his back pocket. When he retrieved his phone he saw a notification of a message from Callum flash across his screen.

Once Callum had collected his clothes and a few overnight essentials, he and Whitney set off for the Dean-Slater household.
“You excited?” She kept close to his side. Although it was turning into spring the night air was still brisk and cold.
“Yeah, course I am. I get to spend the night with the most gorgeous girl in Walford, what could be better?” Callum was good at this, he was good at flattery, He could get his way out of anything with a little bit of gentleman-like nature and carefully chosen words and he was free from all consequences. They got inside and were immediately struck by the voices of children fighting with their mother over bedtime and new teenagers arguing over the TV.
“You alright Whit? Is this the infamous Callum Highway?” So, she hadn’t been only talking to her friends about him but her mum too? That meant that he evidently had a lot to live up to. No pressure. Her mum, Bianca, came running up to them both, grabbing Callum's face and dramatically kissing his cheek while Whitney laughed on. All the attention made his face blush.
“Aw c’mon Bianca, he’s mine!” She jokingly pulled her mum off and walked her back down the corridor to the kitchen but she was only replaced by two younger kids, he assumed it was siblings Tiffany and Liam. Tiffany started singing a song about Whitney and Callum sitting in a tree while Liam, despite only being young, was attempting to size Callum up and see if he was worthy of his sister. Luckily for him, Whitney pulled him up the stairs by his elbow to escape her lovely but hectic family.
“Sorry about them, they don’t know the meaning of the word boundaries.” She laughed awkwardly and threw herself back onto the bed, tapping the space next to her for him to sit down. They talked for a while, mostly about families (which Callum quickly wanted to move on from), school and plans for the future. All the while Whitney kept moving closer to him, placing her hand higher up his thigh and glancing between his eyes and his lips.
“I think I would like to go to uni but-” He was cut off by Whitney surging forward and capturing his lips in a kiss. It was all so fast and overwhelming. She moved her hands up to his zip and that's when he placed his hands over hers pulling them away.
“Whit I don’t-” She kept kissing away his words.
“I am ready if you are.” She placed kisses across his cheek and down to his neck. It didn’t feel right.
“Whitney I am not- I don’t think we should-” Then she stopped, pulling back slowly to look at his face.
“Oh.” She quite honestly looked embarrassed and it made something inside Callum feel bad. The thought of her only feeling like she was good enough for sex in her past relationships broke his heart.
“I’m sorry I just thought,” She nawed at her bottom lip.
“This was a bad idea.” He couldn’t agree more.
“This is just a little bit too fast y’know? Why don’t I go and we slow things down yeah? We will talk in the morning.” She didn’t make an attempt to stop the tears that fell, just simply turned away from him to grab a blanket and tucked herself into bed, waiting for him to leave. Callum quickly grabbed his bag, waved goodbye and escaped the house without bumping into anyone. Thank fucking god. There was only one place he could think to go, well, one person to go to rather. He pulled out his phone and shot a text, letting his legs guide the way on the path that was practically second nature now.

“Things didn’t go great with Whitney. Can I come over? :/”

Chapter Text

“Course, the doors open :)”

It wasn’t uncommon for Callum to walk himself into the Mitchell household and make his way up to Ben’s room or into the living room. He mostly did it when he finished college an hour or two earlier than Ben and, rather than waiting around the tube station, he would wait for him at his house. In no time at all he was entering the house and gently closing the door behind him, careful not to disturb the family. He was greeted by Ben perched on the top step, beckoning him upstairs. Luckily he didn’t have to deal with questions from the other family members as they were still all engrossed with the TV.

“So,” Ben went about scooping up some dirty clothes from the floor and throwing them carelessly into the washing bin.
“What’s up with you?” Callum, clearly comfortable in the space, flung himself onto the bed. He tiredly unlaced his shoes and placed them at the wall. He let out a long sigh before lying back on the bed. His head was placed at the end of the bed, only an inch or two from falling off, and his feet rested on the pillows. It wasn’t weird for him to sit like this, Ben learnt that after the third or fourth time of hanging out. They were doing some “revision” at the dining table and Ben turned to look at Callum only to see him sat, crossed legged on the chair. It was bizarre to see his long ass legs tangled up and squished onto the seat. He had been sitting and lying in odd positions since he was a young child. When he felt anxious or stressed or upset he would curl up as small as possible, making sure he could feel each part of him. When he was tired or tense he would lie flat, manoeuvring himself into any arrangement that allowed him to spread out. It has now become a force of habit. Whenever he was alone or somewhere he was comfortable, like at Bens, he would sit in these ways. It made something inside of Ben feel proud that he could be a safe space for Callum where he
was free to be himself.
“Why is being a teenager so hard?” He dragged a hand over his face. Ben finished up throwing clothes into the basket he moved to putting his contacts into their container. He placed his glasses on his eyes and joined Callum on the bed, although he led down normally with his head on the pillow.
“Ugh do you have to put your feet by my head?” Callum shoved his feet away jokingly.
“Well if I lay down like you I will get dizzy and when I get dizzy-”
“You get sick. Yeah, fair point.” The last words came out around a yawn.
“So, what has made you think that being a teenager is so very hard?”
“Relationships, they are so, so-”
“Complicated?”
“Yeah! Complicated. Everyone wants to do things so quickly and I just, I don’t get it.”
“C’mon then, spill the beans. What has she done?”
“We went back to hers and were just talking about normal stuff and then…”
“Cal?”
“She went for my zip and wanted to go to the next stage.”
“Did you?”
“No, no, of course not. I told her we needed to slow it down a bit but she looked so hurt, rejected. I felt terrible.”
“That’s not your fault. You shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to do just because she does. You shouldn’t feel bad for saying no, Cal.”
“I know, I know. The thing is, there was like, nothing. I felt nothing. Most blokes would jump at the chance to get with her and I wasn't even interested.”
“You aren’t like other blokes though Callum. You are kind and you are sweet and you care about her, I can see that. If you want to take it slow and get to know her first then you can do that.”
“But what if…”
“Yeah?”
“What if I don’t want that stuff like ever?”
“What?”
“I know that she wants all the normal couple stuff and she wants the physical side of things but I just, I just don’t”
“And that is okay Cal. If she likes or even…” The words got stuck in Ben's throat. The thought of anyone having the same feelings towards Callum as he did made him feel sick to his stomach.
“Loves you enough then she will understand.”
“Ugh this relationship malarkey is so difficult.” He dramatically threw his arm over his eyes, groaning in mental pain.
“Malarkey? Are you from the 1920s or something?”
“You are just jealous because my vocabulary is more diversified than yours!”
“It's diverse darling.”
“That’s what I said!”
“No, you said diversified. Past tense. Anyway, you have only been in a relationship for five bloody minutes, better get used to it. As they say, the course of true love never did run smooth.”
“Very profound. Ugh it is too bright in here, can you turn the light off?”
“We both know if I turn the light off you will be passed out within 10 minutes.”
“Can I not sleep or-”
“Of course you can. I’ll get the light now.” He turned to sit up and pushed himself off of the bed, striding over to the wall in 2 steps and turning off the lights. But once Callum removed his arm from his eyes, he turned it back on again quickly to annoy the boy.
“You are a bitch you know that?”
“C’mon, you know you love me!” He walked over and slapped Callums knee with the back of his hand to get his attention. Once he poked his eyes out from under his arm, Ben winked to prove his point which only resulted in a chuckle and eye roll from Callum. In truth, Callum did love him. It was a love he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was the type of love where they are the person in life you want to be around most. When every fibre of your body feels out of place until you are with them. The type of love where your heart yearns to learn every little fact about them. The type of love when in a messed up, broken world, they provide some much needed clarity and remind you that life isn’t that bad. Since meeting Ben it was so much easier to forget the nights he spent alone with the moon and instead remember the times he spent laughing and pissing about with him. Before Ben, everything was cold, bitter. No one else’s touch had felt comforting until Ben hugged him. The space between his arms, by his side, in his space was safe and allowed him to finally breathe knowing he had someone there. He could almost feel this moment being burned into memory. Being folded up and tied together in a neat bow to be stored away into the soft place in his mind. Callum felt unbelievably lucky that he had Ben as a best friend. Yeah, best friend.
“I don’t know why I put up with you to be honest.”
“Probably because I am extraordinarily handsome with an incredible wit and extremely charming personality.”
“Ah yes, how could I forget!”
“Are you going to sleep in those jeans?”
“Oh shit yeah, where have you put my box?” After Callum impulsively stayed over without any clothes one too many times, Ben decided it would be a good call to keep a box of Callums stuff at his house. He had clothes, pyjamas, underwear and hygiene stuff all stored in a box Ben hid away under his bed.
“It's under the bed on your side, as always.” It struck Ben at how odd it all was. Callum had a box of items in his room and his own side of the bed. When you looked around his room you could see traces of Callum everywhere. Tickets from cinema trips rested on his set of drawers alongside a framed photo of them both with Jay and Lola at a fun fair, one of his tops was sat upon the seemingly never ending pile of washing, one of his jackets were hanging on the back of his door and his deodorant was in the bedside drawer. If anyone saw them like this they would think they were a couple. Callum pulled out the box and retrieved a pair of black shorts and a loose white top which he quickly shrugged on. Ben found himself mesmerised by his movements as he pulled his old band t-shirt over his head, exposing his torso, and replaced it with the fresh white one. The top was baggy enough that it hung loosely around his neck and revealed his collar bones which had Ben’s mouth hanging slightly ajar. For fucks sake Ben, you are acting like a teenaged girl with her first crush. Grow up.
“You ready to get some kip now then lover boy?” Ben gently removed his processor and placed it on the bedside table, turning on a night light in the process in order to see his surroundings even though he couldn’t hear. He turned to Callum who held up a fist and made a knocking motion, signing yes before tucking himself under the duvet.

Opening up about his hearing was always hard. Even talking to his doctors about it felt like an impossible job. He was always taught that it was a weakness, a weakness that should be hidden away from everyone. His dad taught him that, of course. He was the one who pushed on and on about getting him his hearing aid and then his cochlear implant after he became deaf after battling meningitis as a baby. Obviously it was because he cared about his son and his health, not because he was hell bent on having a perfectly normal boy who could do normal boy things. Whereas Kathy wanted Ben to embrace his differences and learn about the deaf community, Phil never mentioned his deafness and seemed to ignore it as a whole. Throughout his life, Ben felt ashamed, embarrassed of his disability. Very few people outside of the direct family knew about it, two of which were Jay and Lola. After the first time Callum found his implant, they didn’t talk about it for a few weeks. He didn’t push Ben to talk about it, which Ben was grateful for, but he was curious. Little did Ben know, Callum went home and looked up what the implant did and tried to understand as much as he could. Every so often he would ask simple questions like “Have you always been deaf?” or “Does it help you a lot?” and would accept the one or two word responses he got. One day, after playing mario kart for an hour or so, Ben disappeared into the kitchen to get an energy drink. With his head in the fridge he couldn’t hear Callum coming into the kitchen and accidentally knocking the fridge door, hitting Ben slightly. He muttered “fuck” under his breath out of shock and jumped to see who was there. Callum apologised but also made a fist, moving it in a circular movement on his chest. Ben was perplexed by the motion. He explained that he learnt BSL to talk to Frankie and the thoughtfulness of the boy in front of him warmed Ben's heart. Since then, he would teach him simple signs and help Ben feel safe with being open about his disability, with or without his processor on.

The morning sky was grey in patches, clouds littering the sky that only allowed sun to shine through in certain areas. Callum woke up to a warm but empty bed. Thankfully, due to the limited light, it didn’t take long for his eyes to focus properly and locate the figure sat at the windowsill. Ben had perched himself by the window, one leg bent to the side and one dangling down, hanging off the ledge. The smoke coming from the cigarette he held in his mouth danced in the sparse sunlight which also illuminated his features. In his left hand he held a small book, holding the page open with his thumb resting on the spine. His brow was furrowed in either concentration or frustration. Fluffy strands of hair fell over forehead and almost kept his shining blue eyes out of sight from Callums angle. Ben seemed to have felt the eyes on him as he turned his head to look at Callum, smiling at him before returning to his book.
“Morning sunshine.” He turned the page over with his forefinger, careful not to touch the borrowed book pages with his lit cigarette. Bones and joints clicking into place, Callum reached up and stretched his long limbs. The expansion allowed him to breathe deeply.
“I didn’t think you could read?” The joke made him chuckle to himself, rubbing his eyes to remove the sleep that had taken up home there for the night.
“Ha ha, very funny. I’m trying to read this before the mock exam next week.” He flashed up the cover of ‘An Introduction to Psychology’ by Wilhelm Wundt. That just showed how much attention Ben paid during lessons.
“You know you don’t have to read that all, right?” Ben looked at him like he was stupid, huffing at the suggestion.
“You only have to read what's in the content book, not all that rubbish.” Callum lifted himself up to sit against the headboard.
“You have got to be fucking joking mate, nah. I just googled this bloke's name and bought the first thing I saw!” He threw the book down in a huff, finishing his cigarette and throwing it out of the window.
“Oi, a bird could have that! You should use an ashtray.” Ben stood up and wandered over to the back of the door, picking up his dressing gown and adorning it for warmth.
“Well, the bird should be lucky. There is at least another puff or two on that thing. Anyway, breakfast?” He didn’t wait for an answer. Instead, he fastened the belt around his waist and made his way down the corridor towards the stairs, swiftly followed by Callum who was scrambling to put on his own dressing gown.

“Right, we have cereal, toast or a muffin?” Ben pottered around the kitchen, pulling out two cartons of orange juice from the fridge and two glasses from the cupboard. Callum pushed alongside him and plucked his own things from the cupboards.
“Pancakes?” He held up flour and eggs, shaking them slightly to urge Ben to say yes.
“Pancakes.” They both found the rest of the ingredients, utensils and bowls and went about making the batter.
“How much flour?” Somehow, Ben had ended up being the one to stir in all the ingredients in a large, clear bowl.
“Uh, 100g.” Callum was way too distracted by the instructions on the ipad screen in front of him to notice the plan cooking up in front of him. Ben poured most of the powder into the bowl but caught some of it in his hand, turning on his heels slowly and raising his hand.
“Okay so 100…” And then he struck. The white flour covered Callums hair, part of his face and the floor around him.
“Grams.” Callum didn’t make an audible reaction. Instead, he slowly looked up and wiped some of the flour from his eyes.
“You bitch.” His voice was low, dark, so unlike Callum it was barely recognisable. It was beautiful.
“Guilty as charged!” Ben held his hands up, turned back to the bowl and cracked 2 eggs on the side. The taller boy stood up slowly, sneaking the bag off of the counter and taking out some flour of his own, flinging it over the side of Ben’s face and dressing gown.
“Payback, Mitchell.” Ben stood with his mouth hanging open, taken aback by the behaviour of Mr Highway.
“You don’t want to start this battle mate…” He ripped a piece of kitchen roll off and dusted away some of the dust on his face.
“Oh don’t I now?” Callum strode forward, standing merely centimetres away from Ben, forcing him to look up in order to meet his eyes. His tone was playful and challenging, a twinkle danced in his eyes.
“You don’t even want to know about what happened in the caster sugar war of 2009. A dark time.” Ben reached up to dust some of the flour off of Callums chest and tapped over his heart to emphasise his point. Callum, however, seemed to disregard his warning and instead reached behind himself to grab an egg from the basket. He slowly brought the egg up and cracked it on top of Ben’s head, relishing in both the look on Ben’s face and the yellow substance running down his forehead. In an instant, Ben was darting around him, grabbing a glass of water and throwing it in Callums direction.
“You’ve got it coming now you dick!” Both teenagers chased each other around the kitchen, using anything they could get their hands on as weapons. Grapes, bananas, milk, sugar, it all ended up all over the floor and the two boys. After one too many oranges being thrown in his direction, Ben decided to take a hostage in the form of Callums phone. He managed to sneak it out of his pocket in a scuffle and held it tight in his grasp.
“Right, right! Hold on!” He escaped Callums attacks momentarily and edged closer to the door, holding his gaze. He held up the phone dangling it by the side of his head.
“Now, say I won and the phone doesn’t get hurt. Otherwise…” He held up his other hand to form a gun shape and pretended to shoot the phone in its “head”.
“Fat fucking chance!” With that, Callum hurtled towards him. But Ben was quicker. In one moment he hand flung the kitchen door open and sprinted into the living room. They chased each other, dancing around both rooms and climbing over furniture to get to each other. They ended up in a standoff, Ben was standing on the end of the dining table closest to the window and Callum stood adjacent to him. They never broke their stair, egging each other on to make the first move with their eyes. Callum seemed to have won that battle as Ben took his chances and made a break for the door, which proved to be a fatal mistake. As he moved, Callum stuck his leg out, causing him to trip and fall into the living room. He ended up falling backwards over the arm of the sofa. Callum tried his hardest to grab his phone out of his falling hands but failed, instead he was pulled down with Ben. Callum landed on top of Ben, faces in extremely close proximity. Huffs of hysterics bounced around the room, both boys being overcome by side aching laughter. Amongst the hysteria, Callum managed to pry his phone from Ben's hands.

Eventually, the laughter stopped and the realisation of their closeness set in. They could feel each other's breaths on their faces, the sweet scent of sugar. Callum dragged his eyes over Ben's face, trying to remember each last detail. He could see his freckles again, which are probably one of his favourite parts about him, and the golden flecks in his eyes. Hm, he’d never noticed them before. It seems that every time he looks at him he finds something new about him. Finds something he loves more. Finds another reason as to why Callum feels the way he does. He wishes that he could look at him all the time. When he is sad and alone, cradling the aching pain in his heart, he wishes he could see his face. When the thoughts in his head accompanied by his dad's screaming voice get too loud, he wishes he could hear his voice, his laugh. His favourite way to spend his time is sitting with Ben, doing nothing but listen to his stories. His stories from his childhood and days spent with Jay and retellings of Lexis first few months. It sometimes gets too much however. Sometimes the feels beating in his chest begin to burn and the world shattering realisation of how deeply injected Ben is into his veins sets in. It's like he is a drug, he always craves him but it is never enough.
“It is 7:30 and you two are laughi- what on earth!?” They heard Sharron before they saw her standing angrily behind them, with Denny and Lou laughing from the hallway. They scrambled off of the sofa and stood next to one another, looking like toddlers who had just been caught with chocolate. They were still covered in god knows what and as they looked around they realised the chaos they had caused. Flour had found its way onto the ceiling and grapes had been smashed on the floor. They trailed behind Sharron, dragging themselves into the kitchen and having their ears ring from her shrieks.
“You two are 17 years old and you do this?!” She threw some of the sugar from the countertop onto the floor to prove her point.
“I promise we will clean up Shazza! You take those two-” He pointed towards Denny and Lou who attempted to hide from Sharrons wrath on the stairs.
“Out for breakfast and we will clean up here.” He flashed her his award winning smile.
“Scouts honour!” Callum raised three fingers, causing Sharron to break her angered look and smile slightly.
“You better!” She slapped them both gently on the cheek, unable to hide her smile. She loved seeing her step son happy like this and she felt nothing but love for the boy who wormed his way into their family.
“And it’s Sharron to you Mitchel!” She grabbed a towel, threw it at Ben’s chest and left, closing the door behind her. The boys couldn’t contain their laughter as they went about cleaning up their mess.

10 minutes in and Callum’s phone began to ring. He wandered over to it, checked the name, and turned it off. It rang another time, the ringtone making Ben go slightly insane. It went for a third time and-
“Just answer it will ya?” He was picking up grapes from the floor and throwing them into a bin. Callum scrambled for his phone and answer it.
“Hiya Whit… Yeah I’m okay I’m with Be- yeah, yeah, sorry babe I just-” Ben could hear her high pitched voice from his position on the floor, trying to decipher what she was saying but she was talking way too fast.
“I would babe but I’ve got- okay, yep, I’ll be over. Bye.” He ended the call and placed his phone back in his pocket, turning back to cleaning.
“What was that about?” Ben didn’t look up, he knew what it was about.
“Whit wants me to go over, I’ll finish up here and we will play some games or something then I’ll go.” It was a mystery as to how he managed to get a girlfriend considering how clueless he is.
“Cal, mate, if a bird asks to see or talk to you they usually mean now. I am gay and even I know that.” Although he was urging Callum to go and see her because it was the right thing to do, he was silently praying that he decided to stick to his plan and stay with him.
“Oh, uh, but I’ve got to help clear up.” Callum was silently hoping to stick to his plan as well.
“It’s alright, I’ve got this. You go and sort it out with the missus.” Instead of trying to fight, Callum said his thank yous and went to get changed. He wandered back downstairs to find Ben wiping down the countertops and cupboard doors.
“I’ll uh text you when I’m done and I’ll see you later, yeah?” Ben didn’t look at him. He hasn't looked at him since the call with Whitney.
“Yeah..” That was all. He walked passed and left through the back door. Ben’s heart was filled with frustration and tears. He felt as though this was the beginning of him losing his best friend altogether. First, it’s her demanding he comes over even when they are hanging out and next thing you know she is not letting them hang out full stop. He threw the towel he was holding at the door and ran a hand down his face, desperately trying to relieve the ache in his head.

Chapter Text

Ben can only assume that they sorted things out, considering that Whitney fucking Dean became a perminant extension of almost all of their plans. Callums box under the bed had gone untouched for weeks and Whitney somehow managed to show up at his house for every occasion. If they were playing video games, Whitney would sit and watch. If they were doing revision in the park, she was there too. If they went for food after college, she tagged along. There was no getting rid of her. And the most painful part was that Callum seemed genuinely happy with her. Now that sounds like jealousy, granted, but it wasn’t like Ben wanted to be Callums only friend. No. It was jealousy over the fact that she seemed to make him happy in a way he never could. And the fact that if he was happy, that meant that she would be around for much longer than first anticipated. One of the most frustrating times was a few weeks ago at Callums football match. Ben went to watch him accompanied by Jay, Lola, and of course, Whitney. They placed themselves in the top of the stands in order to get a full view of the pitch.
“Would someone like to tell me why I am here again? I don’t even like football.” Ben wasn’t lying, he did hate football. But that didn’t stop him from watching every match Callum had played since the beginning of college. This happened to be the last match before exams and then summer break.
“You say that like you don’t come here every other week to watch him.” Jay tutted next to him, concentrating on the pitch and waiting for the boys to come out. As if they sensed his stare, the team began to walk out and fill the pitch. Whitney erupted into cheers and chants when Callum walked out, dressed in a blue top and yellow shorts along with black football boots and long socks. He casted his eyes towards the seats and silently willed the noise to stop, but he put on a fake smile and waved when he noticed his girlfriend's flailing arms. Callum didn’t like the attention, Ben knew that. That’s why he opted to simply clap and wink at him when they made eye contact. The other watchers that were dotted around stared at Whitney with judgemental eyes, and so did Ben. Jay and Lola also clapped and cheered, but only threw an odd glance at Whitney instead of the death glare Ben gave. The game went on for around an hour until half time, and Whitney cheered and clapped everytime Callum did so much as touch the ball the entire time. Ben found himself incapable of not rolling his eyes everytime she did so.
“He looks well fit in the kit, doesn't he?” Her mind numbing voice started once again. She was right though. Ben always appreciated the way the top hugging his biceps and the shorts framed his thighs perfectly. Lola seemed to agree.
“Oh god he does!” She earned herself an ‘oi!’ from Jay, as well as a chuckle from Ben.
“Don’t go getting ideas though Lo.” Whitney warned. She was still standing beside him in order to see the game better. Callum seemed to effortlessly glide around the pitch, barely breaking a sweat but getting from one side of the green to the other in a matter of moments. He kicked the ball around like it was what he was born to do and Ben could tell he loved it. It was a way for him to escape and be a part of a collective. It was the one time he was a part of the boys and his dad seemed to even so much as tolerate him. As soon as he stepped foot on to the astroturf he was completely concentrated on the game.

Whitney continued to clap and shout for the remainder of the match, causing Ben to develop a headache. He went to tell her to shut the fuck up on multiple occasions but was stopped by a pointed look for Jay and a slap from Lola. In the end, Callum’s team won 3-1. The team celebrated as the bell went, congratulating each other with handshakes and the odd hug. The smile on Callum’s face and the spring in his step brought a smile to Ben’s face. Seeing him free from worry and genuinely happy always made the butterflies in Ben’s stomach act like they were on ket. While still in the hypnotic state he fell into while watching Callum, Whitney ran down the steps, barging past him to meet her boyfriend. Luckily for him, his muttered words went unnoticed by the young woman. She all but flung herself at him, clinging onto Callum and kissing him repeatedly on the cheek. The act proved amusing for his teammates who laughed at the scene, causing Callum to go bright red and try to peel the girl of off him.
“You did so good babe! Kicking the ball about and running everywhere. I recone you could go pro!” She was all but buzzing next to him. The rest of the group made their way down the steps.
“Yeah, I think we have the next Harry Kane in our midst!” Jay shouted down, his arm wrapped around Lola waist. Ben followed closely behind them.
“Nah, I reckon he is more Ronaldo.” He piped up, hands thrown in his pockets, smiling down at Callum when he met his eye.
“Oi, shut up! You don’t know anything about football so your opinion is null and void.” Jay huffed.
“Ladies, ladies, calm down right?” Lola joked, joining Whitney's side, giving her own congratulations to Callum.
“Jay, I may know nothing about footy but I am gay and know a fit bloke when I see one. Have you seen Ronaldo's jaw line?” He wolfwhistled for emphasis. He remained on the bottom of the steps while the group talked about the match. He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off Callums flushed face and sweet smile. The rest of the team had gone back inside and came back out again, saying goodbye to Callum and leaving the campus.
“Right, I better go and get dressed.” He picked up his bag that he had left by the seats and wandered towards the PE block.
“Alright mate. We will all get some food and save you a seat, yeah?” Callum nodded back at Jay and disappeared inside. The group made their way towards the gates.
“Oh I am lucky.” She was skipping slightly alongside Ben, playing with the necklace that hung around her neck. Ben recognised it as the one Callum had bought her as an apology for upsetting her on their first night together. It was a simple necklace. Gold in colour, dainty. It had a small heart with a W hanging inside of it. He must admit, it was sweet. Of course Callum had picked it.
“It’s nice to see you happy Whit, you deserve it.” Lola leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, giggling with excitement along with her.
“I genuinely really like him, you know? He is fit and funny and smart and sweet.” Her words were dripping with adoration, it made Ben sick.
“The full package then.” His eyes peered up to look at her. She was all smiles and she reeked of young love and passion. Anyone could see the ways her eyes shined when she was talking about her boyfriend.
“He is, he really is. I would marry him right now if I could!” The thought of Callum getting married to her made Ben go cold. He stopped walking and turned on heels, walking back towards the school building.
“Oi, where are you off to?!” Jay shouted back, stopping the group.
“Uh, I left a book inside. I’ll catch you up!” He didn’t wait for a response, instead walking straight into the PE block and locating the changing rooms. He could hear a lone shower running and a muffled voice. He slowly and gently opened the door, careful to not disturb the occupant. Callum’s voice became more clear. There it is, warmth. Ben settled himself down onto one of the benches.
“And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming,” Although it was slightly overpowered by the cascading water, his low voice filled Ben’s ears.
“Or the moment of truth in your lies,” Callum wasn’t the best singer, Ben would be the first to say it. He often told him to shut up when singing along to music on the TV or radio, but only as a joking matter. In truth, Ben loved listening to him. He loved the way he didn’t hit the right notes, or slightly messed up the melody, or misheard some of the lyrics. The way his voice sounded was intoxicating. If Ben could save it up and catch it in a bottle to save for himself he would. It was so uniquely Callum.
“When everything feels like the movies,” Ben recognized the song now. Iris, by the goo goo dolls. Every so often he would catch him singing along with it while wearing headphones or humming it when he was concentrating. He claimed that it made him feel something, and explained the way he wanted to be loved in words.
“Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.” He knows that line resonated with him more than the others. In the darkness of Ben’s room one night Callum explained it. He explained how as a kid he struggled with dissociation. He didn’t know what was real and couldn’t explain what was going on with his life. He truly did feel more like a character than a real person. He sometimes still felt like that; unreal, unalive. But since knowing Ben, he always felt something. He always felt recognised and heard and in some way, loved. The shower turned off but he kept singing. Ben couldn’t hear his towel being pulled off of the shower curtain rod and fastened on his waist.
“I just want you to know who I- oh. Ben.” He was evidently shocked to see him, if the little jump he did was anything to go by. But he didn’t look embarrassed or anything, he looked soft and relaxed.
“Have I ever told you you are tone deaf?” Ben placed his legs one on top of each other on the bench next to him and braced himself on his arms.
“I could go on x factor and you know it!” He grabbed another towel from his bag and began to dry his hair.
“What are you doing here anyway?” Not that he wasn’t glad to see him. Since getting with Whitney it felt like he rarely saw Ben alone anymore. Ben took a moment to think of an answer. Why was he here? Of course it was partly because he didn’t want to be with Whitney but he could have just gone home. In a part of his brain he knew he just wanted to see Callum but he couldn’t say that could he? So, he chose not to answer the question.
“She really likes you, doesn’t she?”
“Who does?”
“Your girlfriend, dickhead.” Callum threw his damp hair towel at Ben’s head. He could smell his lynx body wash and coconut shampoo. Callum always took pride in smelling good.
“I would hope she likes me.”
“And you like her, yeah?” The delay in Callums response spoke volumes.
“Of course I do, she’s lovely.”
“Very loud though.”
“Yeah, she can be. And overwhelming. But it’s just because she loves me.”
“Ooo you're using the big L word already, mate?”
“Shut up. You know what I mean.”
“Do you though?”
“What?”
“Do. You. Love. Whitney.”
“I like her, yeah.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“Practically is.”
“Cal, there is a big difference between liking someone and loving someone.”
“It’s early days, okay? I will learn to love her.”
“I didn’t need to learn to love. I knew I loved Paul.”
“But you two were special, weren’t ya? He was your person.”
“Do you think Whitney is yours?”
“I’m not sure, maybe? She might be in the future.”
“Ah. And you’re willing to wait till then hm?”
“She’s a lovely girl, I want her to be happy.”
“Even if you’re not?”
“I am happy.”
“Course.”
“What are you so interested in my love life for anyway? Just because you don't have one yourself doesn’t mean you can poke about in mine.”
“I just, I love you Cal and I don’t want-” Callums phone began to buzz and ‘Whitney <3’ flashed up on his screen. He answered the phone and once again Ben was subjected to her draining voice. She really did know how to pick her moments to interrupt him didn’t she. That was one of the very few times he had been alone with Callum for the weeks to come.

One thing Ben hated was being trapped. Whether it was being trapped in a classroom for 2 hours or being trapped in the same town for years. He hated not having choices. That is mainly why he wanted to drive. When you drive, you can go almost anywhere with nothing but 4 wheels and some fuel. He often dreamt of taking long trips along the British coast, parking up at a random beach somewhere and waking up to the cry of seagulls. The idea of complete freedom to go where you want, when you want, seemed like absolute bliss. He had been taking lessons since the day he turned 17, often going out driving with his dad in fields to practise his skills. You see, although most of the time Phil couldn’t stand to even look at his son, when he saw Ben taking an interest in cars, which was to him a manly activity, he jumped at the opportunity to embellish the curiosity in a hope that his son would change. He passed his practical exam a few days before AS level exams started in one try. Ben felt like a little kid again, excitement bubbling through his veins at the sight of his brand new Volkswagen polo. Brand new was a stretch. It used to belong to a family friend so it had a few scratches here and there but apart from that, it was in good condition. The black paint was deep and dark, the inside had lighter grey fabric seats and a cd player in the central console. His first location was a very particular person's house. This was the perfect chance to get some time with Callum too himself without having to worry about Whitney butting in. But getting what he wanted would be a struggle.

He parked himself outside of Callum's dad’s flat, peeping the horn to summon the boy outside. He noticed the blinds opening slightly, revealing a peering eye before quickly closing. In a matter of seconds the door was flying open and Callum was making his way towards the car.
“No fucking way! You did it!” Ben wound down the window to hear him better. Unable to contain his excitement, he shone up at the boy and tapped the wheel with his hands enthusiastically.
“Yep. And there is no one I would rather have as my first passenger.” He pressed one of the many buttons on the steering wheel and heard an audible ding, signalling the doors unlocking.
“Ben I would love to but-”
“Is that Ben Mitchell?!” Great. Whitney made her way up the pavement and tucked herself under Callums side, peering into the car.
“Yep, I passed my test today.” He just about managed to keep the smile from slipping off of his face.
“Well, you going to take us out for a spin?” Callum knew Ben’s unfavourable opinions on his girlfriend so threw him an apologetic look. Luckily for him, Ben Mitchell was a genius and quickly hatched a plan to get rid of Whitney. Step one, take them out for a quick trip around the square and surrounding area to get him more time.
“Of course, in you get.” Both parties filed into the small back seat, securing their seatbelts. In that time, Ben pulled out his phone and started to type out a text. Step two, text Lola to make some last minute plans.
“Right, off we go.” He pulled out of his spot, turning around and driving back towards the square. He felt his phone buzz by his side and quickly retrieved it to take a look. Thankfully, Lola had begrudgingly agreed to his plan.
“Oi, Ben, eyes on the road!” Callum and Whitney laughed in the backseat. A few seconds later and Whitney's phone began to ring.
“Hey Lo! How are you? Yeah? Oh… But I am with Cal… I know I know… Do I really need to? Ugh, fine… You owe me one! Bye.” She threw her phone back into her jacket pocket and leaned forward to look at Ben.
“I’m really sorry but Lola needs some help with some last minute coursework. Is it okay if I go?” She was already unbuckling her seatbelt and getting ready to get out.
“Couse babe, tell her I said hi.” He kissed her on the cheek and off she went. Step three, get away with Callum.
“You going to sit upfront then?” Ben pulled into the pavement in order to avoid being a roadblock and turned around to look at Callum.
“I should really get back to do some revision.” He was always up, doing revision. The bags under his eyes were testament to that.
“Oh c’mon Cal. You are always revising, take a break!” He put on his best puppy dog eyes. How the fuck could Callum say no to that face.
“Fine. But only for an hour!” He menovered out of the cramped backseat and situated himself into the much more comfortable front seat.

“So, how’s things with Whit?” The radio hummened quietly, the engine purred beneath them and the sun danced in the clear blue sky. The trees lining the roads were a vibrant green, some even sprouted pink and red flowers.
“Good, good. She has put up with me for 5 months so I must be doing something right.” Callum seemed to be enjoying the drive, his eyes scanning the sky and shrubbery flashing by.
“I don’t know why you say it like that. She doesn’t have to put up with you,” He lifted one hand up from the wheel to add air quotes. Callum reached out quickly and placed his hand back on the wheel, the contact gave that well known electric shock that was common during their first few months of friendship. How Ben did miss that feeling.
“She is lucky to have you Cal.” Whitney called him Cal now, but it was nothing like when Ben called him it. It was special. The way it rolled off his tongue just right and sounded perfect in his voice.
“I don’t know mate, I know how annoying I can be.” Ben loved all the things about him that made him ‘annoying’. He loved how he made stupid little noises when he was excited, he loved when he tapped his feet along to the music he was listening to under the table, he loved how ‘loungy’ he got when he was comfortable, he loved the endless stories he would tell no matter how many times he was told them before, he loved the multitude of faces he would pull when he thought no one was watching. Everything he did, Ben couldn’t help but love. It was what made him so unapologetically Callum.
“I know. I hope you don’t leave odd socks over her room like you do at mine.” Whereas Ben chuckled, Callum seemed slightly phased. He did smile back, but it wasn’t large like normal.
“We don’t- I don’t go over hers a lot. It’s a bit, i don't know, crowded over hers so we usually don’t go there.”
“And you don’t like that?”
“I don’t think I am that fussed really. But I know it upsets her. She wants to be around me like a lot and I just want my own space, you know?”
“I understand. But you don’t mind coming over mine when everyone is there. It’s always chaos over there but you seem happy enough to be there.”
“It’s just different. At hers I jst-”
“You can tell me, Cal” There it was, the beautiful word again.
“It’s just weird. It’s all very sweet, and flowery, and soft, and its just her everywhere. And I really like her but it’s a lot sometimes. And she is a fucking Little Mix fan which is horrible.”
“Oh shut up Cal, I know you are a mixer deep down.”
“Fuck off” The main road that they had been driving on soon dissolved into winding back roads. No cars were to be seen and the sun filtered through the greenary, dancing on Callum’s face perfectly.
“Lexi misses you.” His eyes left the road momentarily to locate the pair of sunglasses on the dashboard. He placed the grey frames on his nose, the polarished lenses reflecting the country infront of them.
“Yeah?” Callum had grown to love that little girl. Her golden, wavy locks made her the spitting image of her mother, her eyes matched Bens and so did her attitude. That girl knew what she wanted and knew exactly which buttons to press to get it.
“Yep. Think she likes you more than me at this point. She’s always asking after you, wants you to come over for a tea party or a dance or a picnic.” Ben’s face always went soft when talking about Lexi, it was another one of Callum’s favourite things. The way his muscles relaxed and eyes brightened. Anyone could tell that he would give the world to his little princess.
“I miss her too. It’s just been a lot with Whitney and exams and-”
“It’s alright. I know you’ve been busy. I know how hard it can be to get out from under the thumb of miss Dean.”
“I am not under anyones thumb thank you very much!”
“Of course not, that’s why when she jumps you ask how high.” He didn’t even dignify the taunt with a response, only shaking his head. He was annoyed at the comment though, he could never be annoyed with Ben. He tries to conceal his laughter but it came out nontheless. He reached forward into a small box and pulled out Bens phone, connecting it to the aux cable leading into the radio and unlocking it.
“So, Ed sheeran or Oasis?” He scrolled aimlessly through the phone, trying to find whatever music he wanted to put on.
“Fairplay, your music taste is shit. Like actual shit.” He shook his head in disappointment.
“It is not! It’s not like musical numbers from the 80s are much better.”
“Shut up. Twat. Look on my playlists.” The roads got more windy and narrow, turning proving to be slightly more difficult.
“What am I looking for?” Callum tilted the phone towards Ben as if that would help anything.
“There should be a playlist called ‘Ben’s best’?” Indeed there was. The cover photo was a photo the two of them had taken a few weeks ago during psychology.
“I like that photo.” He clicked on the playlist, shuffling the songs. Scouting for girls started to drumb throughout the vehical.
“Oh I fucking love this one. I love the way she fills her clothes, she looks like just like them girls in vogue.” Unlike Callum, Ben was quite the good singer. His pitch was perfect and his tone was to die for, every note was hit. His voice was smooth and rich, not too deep but not too high. Callum would listen to him all day if he could.
“...I think that she is beautiful! C’mon Cal, I know you know this one!” He hit him a few times in the arm, urging him to join in. Callum pushed him off, laughing at the sight and shaking his head. Regardless of his presumed defiance, he joined in on the chorus.
“She’s so lovely! She’s so lovely! She’s so lovely! She’s so lovely!” The once sweet singing turned to more of a shout. Both boys put on the performance of a lifetime, dancing in their seats and immitating the instruments playing in the backing music.
“She’s pretty…” Callum stated with a pointed finger towards Ben, signalling for him to sing the next part.
“A fitty!” He brought a dramatic hand up to his heart, nodding his head along to the beat of the song.
“She’s got a boyfriend though and thats a pitty!” The rest of the song dissolved into fits of laughter, over the top reactions, and missheard lyrics which led to minor arguments. For example, Ben was adimant that it was “I want her” whereas Callum was almost positive it was “I wonder”. The two of them spent a good ten minutes listen to the track to try and prove their points. Eventually, Ben had the brains to google the lyrics on the official band page and low and behold, Callum was right.
“See! I told you! I wonder just makes more sense!” Reaching into the pocket of the door, Callum pulled out a bottle of water he had stashed there a tilted his head back to take a sip. The sight of his adams apple bobing up and down and the muscles in his neck being on full display was nothing short of beautiful. Ben prayed that Callum couldn’t hear any of the far from appropriate thoughts that were dancing around his head.

“How long till we get there?” Callum had become restless. He had repositioned himself to have his feet resting on the dashboard and put his seat far back to aid his comfort.
“Not long now, drama queen!” The sun was a little bit lower down now, it was still warm and bright but it was reaching 5 o’clock.
“Me? A drama queen? We have been driving for 2 bloody hours!” He crossed his arms over his chest in a huff. The road had opened back up again, the once grass covered side paths turning sandy.
“Calm down, don’t get your knickers in a twist!” They turned into a makeshift car park. It was somewhat small, concreate patch looking out over a quaint sandy beach. Water lapped at the sand, eating it bit by bit. Holes in the headland was home to hidden secrets. Both boys heaved themselves out of the car, Callum stretched his long legs and Ben pulled a check blanket from the boot of his car.
“This is… wow” Callum found the first moment to asorb everything around him. Sunlight danced on the waters surface, seabirds rested on the waves and the horizon made this little corner of the world seem endless.
“How on earth did you find this place? It feels like we are in a different country.”
“We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto. My mum took me here sometimes as a kid, usually when my dad was being… well… Phil and she didn’t want me to be involved. Right, you coming then?” Massive rocks pilled in just the right way made for their path down to the beach. The boys stumbled their way down, careful to watch their step and not fall into the cracks between the rocks. The last step was quite large, calling for Ben to crouch down to use his hand to hold onto the rock and lower himself down gently. Instead of Callum doing the same, Ben held out a hand and helped him to jump down to the sand.
“Thank you, thank you.” He stumbled slightly but swiftly got his footing.
“Right, you coming?” Not waiting for a response, Ben threw his blanket to the side and ran towards the water. First, his shirt came flying off. Then he jumped around a bit to remove his shorts and flung them behind him along with his socks.
“Ben what on earth are you doing?!” He giggled behind him, trailing behind.
“Going for a dip! What does it look like?” Shreeks insued as the cold ocean covered his feet. Now aware of the plan, Callum followed suit in removing his clothing down to his boxers and running down the shore.
“Fucking bitch fuck fuck its cold!” Ben, ever the dramatic, danced in the water and squeeling like a little girl. When Callum eventually reached him, he was much more sane. Slowly wading into the water and letting his body adjust. Luckill for the pair, the sun provided some heat and they soon warmed up. They laughed, splashed about and threw water at each other. They spent at least an hour pratting about. The world beyond them didn’t exist anymore, it often didn’t when they were alone together. The sun had been creeping lower and lower as time went on, turning half of the sky a beautiful amber colour, turning red at the edges. And with the sun setting, the water became colder and both the boys were well aware of it.

“Oh fuck this, I’m out!” Ben waded back through the water, practically running for land to escape the icy cold grip of mother nature. The sight was amusing to say the least, his feat unable to catch up with his body leaving him a stumbling mess. Callum came out of the sea much more eloquently, taking his time to reach the sand.
“Did you bring any towels?” Ah, problem number one. At the realisation of his failure, Ben stopped in his tracks, slowly turning back to face his friend. The look on his face said it all.
“You really are a dick, you know that?” In frustration, Callum sprinted up the sand and began to chase.
“No no no! No Callum! Not on the sand!” Despite his defiance, it was too late. Before Ben could get out of the way, big, strong hands were on his waist and tickling aggressively.
“Callum! No no no no please no leave me alo-” He dissolved into a fit of giggles, unable to form a coherent sentence around huffs of laughter. Callums hands were everywhere; under his arms, around his sides, his stomach, his neck. Soon enough his body was too weak to hold himself up and he fell to his knees, dragging Callum with him. They landed side by side, each one trying to catch their breath while screaming with laughter.
“That… That’s what you get!” He threw a hand out, managing to just catch Ben's chest with a slap.
“Alright, alright, I get it. Can you leave me be now?” Head thrown back, mouth slightly ajar to catch his breath, chest moving rhythmically. He truly looked like a work of art. If Callum could, he would sit and watch Ben all day. For a few moments they just led down together; Ben with his eyes trained on the orange sky, Callums eyes on Ben. He seemed to have felt the staring as he turned his head to look at the slightly older boy. The look in his eyes invited something in Ben, it made his heart go soft and mushy. Never in his life, apart from Paul, has someone looked at him the way Callum did. A stare filled to the brim with care, love, adoration and genuine happiness to be around him. Which is why he couldn’t wrap his head around why he was with Whitney. It made him think, did he look at Whitney this way? Did he think about Whitney the same way that Ben thought about him? Did they spend every possible moment together like they did? The thought made him panic, made that sinking feeling clawing its way up again, his head was overrun with thoughts of him being with Whitney. He couldn’t control what he said.
“I love you.” Those three words hung loosely in the air between them. Callums eyes snapped up to meet Bens. He knew that Ben loved him, they were best friends and you always feel some sort of love for a best friend. Nonetheless, hearing the words come out of his mouth, to hear his voice saying them, made his heart just stop. He understood what he meant, but he couldn’t help the tiny part of hope in his soul.
“I love you too, dickhead.” He laughed it off. Usually the sound made Ben so unbelievably happy, but this time it made him feel sick. He had put his heart out there and it was moments away from being trampled.
“No, Cal, I don’t- I mean- fucking hell I-” His desperation made some of Callum’s thoughts shift. What if he didn’t love him like friends? What if-
“I know.” Both boys stopped. No words were shared. The world stopped spinning on its axis. Instead they were floating in a small corner of space, undisturbed. Ben's eyes glanced down to Callums lips. They looked soft, a rosy red that matched his cheeks when he was embarrassed, parted only a fraction. What he wouldn’t give to be able to be able to close the distance and kiss them. If only he was free to do so when and where he pleased. Something snapped him out of his gaze. Callum shifted closer. Only by an inch or so but it was close enough. What was he doing? He also had his eyes on the other boy's lips. Every thought he had ever had was gone now, all that remained was Ben and the fluttering in his stomach. Ben matched his movements, leaning forward, his eyes constantly flicking between his eyes and his lips. He gave Callum all the power, allowing him to move at his own pace, regardless of how agonisingly slow it was.

When they were close enough, Ben moved in and closed the distance. Their lips slotted together like they were made to be together. As they kissed, Callum could all-but feel the broken pieces of his life fitting together like a jigsaw puzzle. Each line started to become complete, coming together to make a beautiful picture. It looked clean and pure and everything life should be. The puzzle was smooth around the edges, bright in colour and shinning in places. It looked brand new and untouched by the outside world. His hands came up to cup Ben's face, it was like they belonged there. He traced his jawline and cheekbone with his thumb. Ben's hands found their place on Callums wrists, caressing them gently. Usually he knew all the tricks in the book and all the secrets when it came to stuff like this, he was always in control. But this was different, special. He felt so out of his depth. They stayed together as the minutes passed, learning this uncovered part of each other. Suddenly, the jigsaw puzzle inside Callum started to heat up, turning dark and black around the edges. Flames creeped up the picture, burning everything as it went. A singular image of Whitney flashed through his mind. He hadn’t thought about her all day until the guilt seeped through. What was he doing?! Not only was he straight with a girlfriend, but this was his best friend. His hands moved Ben's face away from his. For a second they just stared, neither able to form the words to ask what was going on. Without saying a word, Callum heaved himself up and walked back towards the car, picking up his clothes on his way. Ben was stunned.
“Callum?” He called out, but didn’t get a response or even a look.
“Cal! Where are you going?” When he realised he wasn’t going to get an answer, Ben stood up and ran after him, also picking up his discarded clothes.
“Callum please!” He was met with the slam of a car door. He slilently threw his clothes back on, somewhat regretting everything he had done. What was he thinking? Kissing his best friend who also has a girlfriend. Fucking idiot. He slipped into the driver's seat and turned to face Callum, ready for whatever conversation was about to come. Surprisingly, it was silent. Callum wasn’t even looking in his direction let alone at him. Instead he sat with his back almost completely to him with his head resting against the window. It was frustrating to say the least. It took every ounce of restraint for Ben to ignore said frustration and just start driving. They stayed that way, sitting in silence, for the first half an hour of their trip home. The sun was setting quicker than expected and the sky had turned a darker shade of blue, and Ben could feel his heart doing the same.

Chapter Text

In an attempt to calm his nerves, Ben pulled out the packet of cigarettes and picked one out. With one hand on the wheel, he used the other to get out a lighter and light his fag. Callum turned around for the first time the whole trip at the sound of the clicking lighter. The smell of nicotine and lung cancer filled the car. Callum grimaced at the scent he usually found solace in as it reminded him of the 5 foot 9 ball of cocky smiles and snide remarks.
“Those things can kill you, you know.” Ben did know, Callum had berated him about it many times in the past. He would often remind him of the horrendous photos on the back of the packet and the deadly chance he was taking every time he smoked one.
“Wow, he finally speaks!” His light tone made Callum seethe. He had just changed everything in Callums life and had him cheat on Whitney yet he seems to have no remorse.
“Fuck up Ben.” He huffed and turned back to the window. That was the breaking point for Ben, he couldn’t cope with the change in their relationship.
“Rude.” He covered up his bottled up anger with sarcasm.
“You’ve got to be joking.” Callums eyes were trained on the reflection in the wing mirror, refusing to look at Ben.
“What is wrong with you then?” Ben pulled the cigarette back to his mouth, chasing the ignorance it could provide him.
“What's wrong with me? Hm? I just cheated on my girlfriend!” He turned to face him then. The look of him shocked Ben, worse than it had before. Callums face was tense and he could see how he tensed his jaw tightly.
“And that is my fault, how?” Desperately clinging to his calm bravado, he tapped some of the ash from his cigarette off and out of the window.
“Because you fucking kissed me!” Callums gestures were getting more wild by the minute, anger, tears and despair bubbling up.
“I don’t remember it like that.” Strategically, Ben didn’t look at Callum directly. He knew, no matter how much he wanted to avoid it, that the pain in Callums features would break him.
“How do you remember it then?”
“You were the one who made the first move to kiss me, the ball was firmly in your court.”
“You kissed me back! I have a girlfriend, Ben.”
“I am fully aware. But I don’t. I am free to kiss who I want.”
“That doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong.”
“I am not saying that. Would I go around finding taken blokes to kiss? No, I wouldn’t. But you were the one who kissed me.” Callum went quiet for a minute, taking in what Ben had said. Ben discarded the butt end of his cigarette out of the window, along with whatever remained of his will as he chanced a glance at Callum.
“If you love Whitney so much, why did you kiss me?”
“What?”
“You always say how much you love her. You’re always with her and showing off how much you love her. She goes to all your footy matches and hangs off your every word so she must love you. Callum and Whitney, Whitney and Callum. In love forever. But you, you kissed me.”
“I know what I did, Ben!”
“Then why did you do it? And why are you angry at me for what you did?”
“You confuse me!”
“Is that right?
“Yes! The way you were looking at me and smiling at me and acting around me. You said you loved me for fucks sake! I didn’t want this.”
“From where I’m sitting it seems like you did want it, you wanted it quite a bit.”
“You don’t know what I want, Ben! And if you think I wanted to cheat on Whitney then it's clear you don’t know me.”
“Fucking hell Callum you really must be thick.” He pulled into a lay by, turning around to face Callum fully. He couldn’t escape this, neither could.
“I know everything there is to know about you Callum. Probably even more than Whitney.”
“She’s my girlfriend. She knows me.”
“Really? Does she know that you broke your left toe when you were 6? Does she know that when you sneeze your eye twitches for a moment? Does she know that you wake up almost every night at 6 to use the bathroom? Does she know about your dad? Does she know that you are gay?”
“I am not gay!”
“Then why do you look at me like that?”
“I don’t know what you’re on about.”
“You look at me like…”
“Like what?”
“Like how I look at you.”
“I want to go home now.”
“Yeah, back home to Whitney, I understand.”

They continued the trip in silence once again, Ben's knuckles going white around the steering wheel the whole way. He could pretend that he didn’t notice the tears rolling down Callums cheeks. He could also pretend that his heart didn’t break with each tear. The world was pitch black now, the only thing lighting the way being the car's headlights. They were almost at Walford when they spoke again.
“Why are things so complicated?” Callums voice broke with the final word. He refused to show his face which was covered in tear streaks and prints from where his face had been resting on his hand. He was beyond tired.
“You asked me the same thing when you first got with Whitney.” The air went cold with her name.
“Things don’t have to be complicated, Cal. Living as you, the true you, can make things so much easier.” He chanced a look at him, only a glance to see his reaction. His eyebrows were knitted together like they often were when he was deep in thought.
“How are you, you know, you. I mean with your dad being Phil and all that.”
“If I wasn’t true to myself I would probably be dead by now. I think I finally accepted that I could never make him happy, no matter how hard I tried, so I stopped trying.”
“But he is your dad?”
“I know he is. But that doesn’t mean anything. He slept with my mum and that's it. If he really was my dad he would love me no matter what and not care who I brought home to bed. It’s the same with your dad, Callum. You can’t waste your life being miserable to try and make him happy when he never will be happy. He couldn’t care less about you Callum.”
“But what about…”
“Is he happy about you being with Whitney? Was he proud of you?”
“He didn’t care to be honest. I told him, he said well done, gave me a hug and then… Nothing… I haven’t seen him since.”
“Exactly, Callum. You need to be you.”
“I love Whitney. She is my girlfriend, I love her, and nothing will change that.”
“I know you love her but are you in love with her?”
“Yeah… I’m gonna…” They reached the square and Callum pulled himself up and out of the car. He didn’t turn back to wave or anything, just headed towards his house. Out of nowhere, Whitney ran down the road and practically threw herself at Callum. The happy couple walked in the opposite direction towards Whitney’s house, with Callum’s arm over her shoulders and Whitney’s arms around his waist. Ben banged his fists against the wheel and felt like screaming. Why couldn’t anything go right for him?

He parked in the closet spot to his house, throwing the door closed in anger behind him after he got out. He did a similar thing to the front door which alerted the whole house to his arrival. Jay was the first to emerge from around the corner. He was immediately aware of the mood Ben was in, which was surprising considering he knew Ben was going out with Callum for the day. Usually, after a day with Callum, Ben came back a ball of excitement and smiles, it was pretty annoying to be fair. He was the complete opposite of that today though. A face like thunder, shoulders tensed and his feet stomped down the corridor.
“Jesus, what’s your problem?” Ben pushed past him and b-lined for the stairs and his bedroom, followed by Jay of course.
“What are you doing here?” He practically kicked down his bedroom door, causing Sharron to shout a warning up the stairs.
“Dropping some stuff around for Denny, tops and shit. Now don’t try to deflect, what's up?” Jay settled himself down on the bed, bracing himself for the shit show that was to come. Oh yes, an infamous Ben Mitchell rant. Ben tried to distract himself so as to not get so angry. He found his distraction in sorting out his college books ready for the end of the school year.
“My problem is about 6 foot, big ears, brown hair, pain in the arse and an absolute knob. Goes by the name of Callum Highway? Don’t know if you’ve heard of it.” He punctuated his sentence by throwing a pile of books on the floor and sitting down next to them.
“Right, I see. Come on then, what have you done now?” Jay could feel the migraine forming already.
“Why is it always me that's done something hm?”
“Well Callum he’s, well, Callum. Wouldn’t say boo to a ghost.”
“Ah yes, perfect Callum. Angel Callum. Can never do wrong fucking Callum!”
“Don’t get your knickers in a twist mate. Whatever it was, I’m sure you’ll get over it. You’re Ben and Callum. Dumb and dumber. Batman and Robin. Thick as thieves! You will be right as rain in no time.”
“I don’t think so, Jay. It really has all gone tits up.” He sounded exasperated, like the whole world had taken up home on his shoulders again.
“Enlighten me then. What has happened that has got you all worked up?”
“It is all fucked Jay, absolutely fucked.”
“Ben, I’m your brother. You can tell me what's going on.” He knew he could tell Jay anything, but this felt different. In part he didn’t want to out Callum and cause Jay to view him differently. On the other hand, he didn’t want to have to walk through everything that happened again and risk the floodgates flying open.
“We just had an argument about school. He thinks I’m not taking it seriously enough and I think he is being too bitchy about it. That’s all.” The shake in his voice gave him away almost immediately.
“Ben, we both know you are lying. You too have had spats before and none of them have got you this hept up, especially not anything about school. C’mon mate, just tell me.” Ben took a deep breath, debating what to do.
“You can’t tell anyone mind.”
“Promise.”
“Not even Lo.”
“Not even Lo.” A moment passed, Ben deeply contemplated his next words.
“I took Cal, Callum, to the cove. You know the one mum took me too all the time?”
“Yeah?”
“And we were pissing about in the water and when we got out I remembered I hadn’t brought towels.”
“Mate you have got to be fucking with me. All of this over flaming towels?!”
“No not over towels you daft bint! Anyway, he ran after me and started tickling me, proper like attacking me and we ended up on the floor. When he stopped tickling me he was just looking at me. That’s all he was doing. Didn’t say anything, just staring.”
“Ben, this don’t make sense.”
“He moved closer and closer and then he just…”
“No…”
“Kissed me.”
“What the actual fuck. No, he didn’t, he wouldn’t.”
“Ah well he did. Perfect Callum kissed me even though he is with perfect Whitney.”
“Does she know?”
“We only just got back. And if she did know I don’t think I would be sitting here.”
“Right, well, what she doesn't know can’t hurt her right?”
“But he won’t talk to me, Jay. He is convinced that he is straight and he loves her and won’t even look at me. I have fucked everything up.”
“... He moved in to kiss you first didn’t he?”
“Yeah?”
“Right, well he must have been thinking about it then. It isn’t all your fault Ben. That doesn't mean you aren’t a dick-” He moved forward to clip him around the ear.
“For kissing him, but you aren’t solely to blame. Callum will come around, you know? You two are best friends, he can’t leave you for that long. But you can’t do it again, right? No more!”
“Yes I know! I promise! Scouts honour!” That phrase was one of the many he had picked up from Callum. He even held up three fingers just like Callum did.
“Right, I am off then. Text me if you need me okay?” He heaved himself up and held his hand out to Ben.
“Course.” Ben took the hand and pulled himself up, enveloping Jay in a hug.
“Thank you brother.” He tapped him on the back before pulling back to set him free.
“Anytime.” Jay looked at him with eyes full of concern. It was clear to him that Ben was more rattled by the experience than he had let on. The way his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes and the red marks on his face told half of the things he was feeling. He opted to leave Ben to feel what he was feeling at the moment and check on him later on. He had learnt, after years of dealing with Ben, that sometimes he just needed time to himself. If you pushed him too much he would just go into himself more and the whole process would become 10 times longer. So that's what he did. He offered a parting smile and left to go downstairs. He passed Sharron on his way to the front door. She did not look happy with Ben's mood and was about to go upstairs and tell him what for. Luckily, Jay was ready to explain. He managed to get her attention despite the warpath she was on.
“I know he is in a right mood but something bad happened today and he is feeling like shit. I’ll come around and check on him tomorrow but can you leave him to it for a bit?” Sharron had also become accustomed to Ben’s emotions and understood what Jay was getting at. She felt for the boy, she really did. She thanked Jay for his concern and walked him to the door.

The unwelcomed sense of loneliness bloomed in Ben's chest, taking over every nerve. He could feel the sensation pulling him under as soon as Jay left the door and he was drowning in it. If he was honest, bumping into Jay allowed him to swim in the feeling, if only momentarily. He physically had someone there to explain things to while he nursed the ache in his heart and the tears threatening to form in his eyes. He almost allowed his body to really feel the pain, he deserved it after all. Who in their right mind tells their straight, very taken best friend that they love them, let alone fucking kiss them. He objectively left that bit out when telling the story to Jay. Partially it was in order to avoid the earache he would receive for it on top of the one he received for kissing him, but also in part to try and convince himself he didn’t do it. In that bubble, where only he knew what had happened, he could almost convince himself that he didn’t completely and utterly ruin his friendship with 3 tiny words. That was thoroughly impossible now though as every second of his day with Callum flashed through his mind in a pink-edged haze. He thought about the sight of the sun dancing on Callum's face and the sound of his innocent laughs and the feeling of salt water lapping at his legs and the gritty sand getting everywhere during their tickle war. Oh and then the kiss. The feeling of Callums soft lips on his own and hands making their way to hold his cheeks just right. It was like they were meant to be together. The memories turned darker then. A grey cloud covering the scene. The guilty look on Callum’s face was enough to make him sick, he thought he may be. And then he was gone. Tears made their way down his face now leaving damp streaks over his reddened cheeks. Detestably, it would have been better if Callum had just said that he didn’t like him in that way or that he didn’t want to ruin what they had or anything for that matter. Anything would have been better than the wall that was now built between them. He had to physically restrain himself from texting Callum, a desperate attempt to not worsen the matter.

Then his thoughts turned to the young couple and what they were doing now. Callum seemed happy enough to play into the part of happy boyfriend and Ben couldn’t ignore the change in his demeanour when Whit showed up. Images of them snuggled up together, talking about their future and sharing slow, soft kisses, just because they can, overwhelmed every thought. Why were they allowed that happiness? Why was she allowed to go around, holding Callums hand, kissing his cheek, posting about him all over her socials, displaying her adoration for him whenever she wanted? Why couldn’t he be happy? Right, he forgot. He wasn’t allowed to be happy because he kissed someone that wasn’t his. He let Callum risk his happiness for some selfish crush. Ben was a bad person. Selfish. Self-absorbed. Rude. Arrogant. Grumpy. Uncarring. Aggressive. Dishonest. Vindictive. Rowdy. Everything that Callum didn’t deserve.

Somehow, he managed to drag himself out of his mind, into his bed and under the covers. He didn’t even bother to take his clothes off, it was like the limited sleep he was going to get would be comfortable anyway.

“What were you out so late doing then?” Whitney beamed up at Callum, holding onto his arm as they walked like she often did. They were both making their way back to Whitney’s house, which was surprisingly empty for once, to watch a film. The day was much colder now that the sun had disappeared into the Mitchell house.
“Uh we just went to this beach thingy. Nothing exciting really.” He silently begged that he didn’t have to talk anymore about it.
“That sounds nice! We should go to the beach soon.” She turned around as they got closer to the house. She backed up so that her back was against the door and held both of Callum’s hands.
“You can see me in my bikini.” Her voice was sweet and full of love. She brought his hands down to her waist in reference to her swimming costume. Callum laughed at her display and followed her inside the house.
“Shall we get some drinks?” He asked, going in towards the kitchen but was stopped by a soft hand pulling him back.
“I’ll get those, you must be exhausted. Go and sit in the living room and pick a film.” Ushering him away, she went down the corridor and into the kitchen.
“And do not pick anything marvel! I can’t deal with those films again!” They had watched the spiderman films over the past few weeks, making their way through each one slowly but surely. He remembers watching them with Ben for the first time. The scene when Norman Osborn becomes green goblin had Ben jumping out of his skin, not that he would admit it, and clinging onto Callum for support. For days after they were both quoting the films back and forth and debating which actor was the best spiderman or Peter Parker. No Callum, stop thinking about Ben. This is far from the right time. To distract himself, he dug out the TV remote from under the sofa kitchen and tried to find a film.
“Rocketman?” He shouted down the hallway.
“Hmmmmmm, nope. Don’t feel like songs.” Ben always loved rocketman. Loved the clothes, the songs, the tears it caused.
“What about… American Psycho?” He aimlessly flicked through the titles on the screen.
“Ew no no no! Not all that blood!” Why had he even watched American Psycho? Ah yes, Ben. He fancied Christian Bale, claiming that he was ‘very fit for a Welsh bloke’.
“Megamind?”
“What are you, seven?” Her voice was closer now, turning into the room and placing herself down next to him with two mugs of tea in hand.
“You pick one then!” He playfully threw the remote at her and settled into the sofa, Whitney taking place under his arm with her head on his chest. She chose Mamma Mia, so much for no songs.

The night rolled on, ABBA songs fading into the background of Callums thoughts. It was like there was a war raging in his head. Half of his brain was relishing in the memory of Ben being in his space. The way that their lips slotted together perfectly and moved in turn, like the perfect dance. Sand was making its way across his body, scratching every inch of the way, but that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Not when Ben was involved. Even now, sat here, the most beautiful girl this side of London slotted under his arm, nothing else mattered apart from Ben. He spent half the film thinking of their time together, and the other half thinking of every situation possible with him. Nights spent under the stars, walking around Brighton with ice creams listening to the seagulls, taking a drive to Alton Towers and going on all the rides. He even imagined what it would be like if Ben was sitting with him now. Of course he would be singing along to every tune, getting up to dance to “Voulez-Vou” and putting on a show when “Lay all your love on me” came on, being as seductive as can be. He can all but feel his perfect, strong arms pulling him up to spin around the room with him. But Ben wasn’t here. Instead, Whitney was squealing at the sight of Sam and smiling up at him every so often. The wedding scene seemed to have ignited something in Whitney as she leaned up to give him a peck on the lips, bringing his imaginary world crashing down. The other half of his brain kicked in. How could he do that to Whitney? She had shown him nothing but love these past few weeks, teaching him how to be more outgoing and allowing him to go at his own pace. Sometimes she did try to speed things up, trying to take things to the next stage, but after their first night together she took rejection much more lightly. Regardless of all that, he did that to her. He was having these thoughts about someone else, let alone a man, while lying down with her on his chest. The same burning sensation bloomed his chest and he could feel his cheeks turning red under the heat. The walls closed in, alongside the impending sense of doom, and suddenly he couldn’t see straight. The flashing lights from the TV blended together in an indistinguishable mess. The hand crawling its way up the inside of his thigh made things all the worst; his brain was screaming run, run, RUN. Without a second thought, his legs made him stand up and carried him upstairs, shouting an excuse to Whitney over his shoulder and fleeing to the bathroom. His body was in auto-pilot.

Shaking hands made their way to the door knob, twisting the lock and taking a slight comfort in the physical barrier between him and the outside world. His next mission was to cool himself down to fight off the increasing heat. One second he was stumbling to the sink, the next the sink was almost overflowing and he was plunging his hands into the ice cold water. The sensation numbed his fingers but failed to numb the adrenaline pumping through his body. It all became too much. The lights. The music from the TV still audible downstairs. His thoughts. His body was failing. Next thing he knew his legs were collapsing beneath him and he was on the bathroom floor. The blood pounded in his ears. His heart thudded in his chest. His hands couldn’t stay still. His feet tingled with a need to get away. His vision disfigured, as if he was looking through a fish-eye lens. Nothing looked normal. Right. His breaths became shallow and unsatisfying. His heartbeat accelerated, seeking flight, only to be weighed down and sent into the abyss of misery by his chest. He couldn't breathe, move, or pull himself together to get the oxygen his brain and lungs required. A high pitched voice bounced up the stairs and to his ears. The words were indistinguishable. He knew who it was. That made it worse. Every thought in his head was replaced with a chant.

Don’t come up.

Don’t come in.

Leave me alone.

Go away.

I’m sorry.

You don’t understand.

I don’t need you.

I need him.

Ben.

Ben.

Ben.

Ben.

Ben.

Then she was there. Her gentle hand knocking the door and testing the handle. That's when his throat fully closed. Choked sobbs threatening to escape. The taste of salt filling his mouth. His hands pulled on his hair, pulled at his face, grabbed his knees. He deserved this.

Why did he do this to Whitney?

Why did he blame Ben?

Why was he like this?

Why wasn’t he normal?

Why wasn’t he good enough?

Why did he do this?

Why was he this way?

Why did he have to be gay?

Chapter Text

No words were exchanged between the boys the next day. Not even a text good morning. Instead, they both spent the day wallowing in self pity while also attempting to assure everyone else that they were fine. Ben spent the gruelling 24 hours secluded in his room, claiming that he was revising. When has Ben Mitchell revised for anything ever? In truth he spent his time binge watching shitty american TV and flicking through his phone. Every so often his eyes would fall upon a forgotten photo from a day out. In slow motion he would replay the story behind each and every photo, reminiscing about simpler times before he kissed his fucking best mate. He scrolled back just far enough to stumble upon a photo from the first day he hung out with Callum months ago. It was a photo of Callum sitting in front of him in deep concentration, books sprawled out on the table and pen marks appearing on his fingers. It was only taken so that Ben could prove to him that when he concentrated he gently bit the inside of his cheek and his eyebrows came together just slightly. He could have just deleted the photo afterwards and been done with it. Key words, could have. Something about the photo was just perfect. It could have been the adorable expression on his face, or the cigarette smoke creeping into the corner, or the sun catching Callums cheekbones and eyes in the most glorious way. It perfectly highlighted the innocence, the kind nature, the gentleness that Callum possessed. It was almost as if he was sent down from the heavens to rescue Ben, because that is exactly what he did. He provided Ben with a safe space and someone who loved him for him. He didn’t have to change for Callum to like him. He didn’t need to hide parts of himself to be accepted. From the get go Callum understood him and saw him in a way no one had done before. The photo pushed him to turn his phone off and fling it to the end of his bed, unable to look at what he had potentially lost.

But then all he felt was anger, bubbling just under the surface and crawling up his throat. Why the hell was he treating this like it was all his fault? Yes, he did tell Callum he loved him. Yes, he didn’t exactly try to stop Callum from kissing him. But he didn’t initiate it. He didn’t lean in to crash their lips together. If anything he was more shocked at Callums advances. He wasn’t the one with a girlfriend, he had nothing to feel sorry for yet that's all he could feel. It was all just so confusing; why did Callum kiss him? Part of him tried to convince himself that it was just a spur of the moment thing. Callum was flustered and didn’t know how to react and didn’t want to hurt Ben's feelings. But that other part knew better. If Callum really didn’t mean it then why did he say the things he did afterwards? There was only one way to figure out what the fuck had gone on. He needed to find him.

The Mitchells are well known for their immense tantrums and meltdowns and war paths. If one of them was upset about something the whole square knew about it and Ben was no exception, every step he made across the square was proof of that. In the blink of an eye number 31 was staring Ben down, soon being replaced by an image he hadn’t seen in a while. Callum looked awful. Heavy bags hung under his eyes, red veins were clearly visible in his eyes, his skin was pasty and hollow, aside from the tip of his nose and the apples of his cheeks which remained a bright red, and he just looked empty. His body was barely recognisable under his grey joggers and baggy hoodie. Everything Ben was once feeling dissipated in an instant, being immediately replaced with pangs of guilt. What had happened that reduced him to such a state?
“Callum what-”
“What do you want, Ben?” His voice was hardly there, practically a whisper. Of what Ben could hear, it was raw and worn.
“I just wanted to uh-” If he was completely honest, Ben didn’t know what he wanted at that moment. He couldn’t seem to string together a single thought which had been sprinting through his mind an hour ago.
“Just wanted to see how you were, I haven’t heard from you.” As much as he tried to force him to, Callum wouldn’t look him in the eyes. His eyes were permanently scanning the street, almost as if he was waiting for something to spring out at him at any time.
“I’m fine. If that’s all…” His hands moved to the door handle, pushing it shut gently.
“Wait, Cal, can we talk?”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“We can’t just not talk about what happened please-”
“I don’t know what you are talking about. Nothing happened.”
“Callum you can let me in and we talk or I will say everything I want to say out here. It’s your choice.” A beat passed, the offer bouncing in Callums mind.
“Fine, just, get in and shut up.”
“Callum I-” Ben's hands instinctively went to find Callums, which were hidden by the cuffs of his hoodie.
“Don’t touch me.” The younger boy felt stabbed in the chest as Callum recoiled away from his touch.
“Okay… Okay…”
“We can talk in there.” Callums baggy sleeve gestured in the vague direction of the living room, which Ben presumed was empty, and slowly backed away from the door in order to let Ben past. Now more aware of his friend's current condition, he took caution when walking past the sickly boy. The faint smell of alcohol lingered around Callum, mixed with mint which displayed at least some attempt at hiding the stench. Part of Ben's brain concluded that the state of Callum was down to a severe hangover and not something else, which somewhat settled some of his racing thoughts but brought around a new question, why had he been drinking?

Both young men shuffled into the living room, making sure to close the door behind them after checking the location of prying ears. Luckily for them both most of the house was empty aside from Whitney blasting music in her room while getting ready for the day. Whereas Ben settled on the arm of the sofa Callum stood awkwardly by the door, arms crossed over his chest and hands fiddling with a loose string on his hoodie.
“Why don’t you sit down?” Ben couldn’t bear the sight before him. They used to spend practically every day together, sharing a bed and getting changed in front of one another without a worry but now Callum couldn’t bear to share a sofa with him.
“I don-”
“I’m not going to bite.” A small smile, the only one he could muster, crept across his face as some kind of comfort. It worked to some degree as the other boys hands fell loose at his sides, running his fingers along the waistband of his joggers. He still didn’t sit down though.
“Sit.” It wasn’t a question anymore, but not a demand either, Ben still wanted to give Callum room to breathe but he needed him to relax more. In a few seconds the taller boy made his way to the far end of the sofa and perched on the edge of the cushion. It wasn’t perfect but it'll do. Silence settled for a moment, Ben scared that any word would make Callum run. He took his chance and cracked a joke to break the air.
“You look like shit.”
“Thanks.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know you didn't, Ben.”
“You just, uh, you look how I feel. I guess…”
“Have you been drinking?”
“Only a bit.”
“What for? Having a bit of a party with Whit huh?”
“Don’t- Don’t talk about her. Look, Ben, if you just came here to joke and laugh at me then please just fuck off I’m not in the mood.”
“Hey, hey, I’m not laughing at you and we both know I joke when I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah right.”
“Remember a few weeks into class when that girl Becca’s boyfriend moved across the country?”
“Yeah, and she wouldn't stop crying.”
“And I asked if that meant her boyfriend was up for grabs? Oh if looks could kill!” A small, almost unnoticeable smile creeped its way across Callum's face and Ben swam in the sensation of relief that washed over him. A glimpse of his Callum flickered through the rough man before him and that alone was worth fighting for.
“If I remember correctly, I was the one who had to bail you out and apologise on your behalf.” Callum casted his eyes down again in order to hide the softness in them.
“We are quite a pair aren’t we?”
“Yeah, we were.”
“What? We were? No I-”
“We can’t be, Ben. Not after, you know.”
“No, I don’t know Callum. Do you care to inform me?”
“Don’t fuck about Ben. You know exactly what I am on about.”
“Just tell me.”
“No.”
“Say it.”
“We can’t go back to how we were after you… after you kissed me.”
“Woah woah woah, that’s not how it happened.”
“Yes it is, that is exactly what happened. And no one needs to know that it happened.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. I told you that I loved you, I hold my hands up to that, but we both know I am not entirely to blame! I didn’t lean in and I didn’t kiss you first and I am not running around, burying my head in the sand and pretending I didn’t!”
“Please, Ben, keep your voice down.” Callum began to panic, standing up in an attempt to escape Bens words.
“Oh you don’t want Whitney to hear about what we did? But if I was the one who kissed YOU then you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” His eyes were everywhere but Ben's face, unable to face what was being said.
“Well I do!” The words were brash and commanding, more aggressive than intended. Ben felt like he was fighting for everything he held close to his heart and the mere thought of it made his blood boil.
“Look, Cal, I don’t want to lose you over this… I can’t lose you over this.” His voice was hushed now, almost a whisper, his words for Callum and Callum only. The taller boy's eyes filled with tears and slowly his resolve was being punched out of him, his walls crumbling away, making his legs give out beneath him. Luckily he had only moved just in front of the sofa which he all but fell into, bringing his hands up to cover his eyes and block the salty tears from spilling over. Due to his height Callums knees came up to his chest and he was practically curled up into a ball. He looked so small. Broken. Child-like. It was almost like Ben's body moved on its own as he instinctively moved closer, not too close but close enough, to join Callum. Every nerve burned to just touch him, cradle his face and tell him everything was going to be okay but that's not what Callum needed right now. So he instead just waited patiently with a tentative hand brushing his shoulder. He told himself it was so Callum knew he was still there but in reality his heart knew that if he didn’t have at least some contact he would die inside.

They sat like that, knees about an inch away from touching, for god knows how long. Callums once shuddering breaths began to level out just before he peeked his eyes up from his hands, scared of what he was going to see. But all he was met with was a soft smile as a wave of relief came crashing down over Ben. Callum was looking at him now which meant he had some chance at getting through to him. No words were exchanged yet though. All he did was scan Ben's face, drinking in each and every feature as if he was going to evaporate before him.
“I don’t want to lose you either.” Callum mumbled, just about audible. Tears pricked at Ben's eyes this time.
“I just- I just don’t know what to do.” His words were slow and steady to avoid any cracking in his voice. His hands moved from his face to card his long fingers through the bird's nest of hair he was wearing, trying desperately to draw out the answers he searched for. Ben didn’t know what to do either, he hadn’t planned this far ahead. Fuck, he didn’t think he was going to get past the front door.
“You’ve got to talk to me, Cal, tell me what's going on in that nut of yours.” He tapped the side of Callums head, reinforcing his point. The boy's eyes looked both empty of thought and full of emotion. The poor boy was shattering in front of him.
“I-I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know how to feel. I never have, especially not about you.” The last sentence was dripping with sincerity and confusion. He was telling the entire truth, since he first saw Ben shouting down the corridor in secondary school he was struck with all encompassing confusion. Nothing felt the same. Something settled deep inside of him that day, blossoming everyday since they became friends and eating him up. Everytime he thought too much about how he felt about the loudmouthed, pushy, bitchy Mitchell made heat gather in his chest but bile rose up his throat. He shouldn’t be having such feelings for a boy, let alone Ben. But no matter how much doubt and fear clouded his vision, Callum couldn’t shake him. He put a spell over him that he couldn’t escape.
“What are you saying, Callum?” Ben's unwavering gaze, his words, the silence that hung between them, the cars outside, the looming presence of his girlfriend upstairs, all of it became too much. His eyes ached in his skull from holding back tears and his head was swimming.
“I don’t know, I don’t know! Alright! I can’t think straight! You- you make my head spin and I can’t focus, you mush everything up!” He didn’t release how loud he was speaking, almost shouting, until Whitney's footsteps came bounding downstairs after being alerted by his distress. Ben could see the panic in the older boy at the sound so he inched further away to the far end of the sofa to give him space. Immediately Callum missed his warmth.
“Babe! Are you-” She stopped in the doorway, flicking her gaze between Callums bloodshot eyes and Ben. Guilt replaced any other emotion in Ben as she knelt in front of her boyfriend and carefully stroked his cheek. Ben lost count of the endless nights he spent praying to some kind of god, whispering wishes to the emptiness around him that he wanted Callum in such a capacity. He wanted to be the one to stroke his face and offer him help. He wanted to be the one to look after him while he was ill. He wanted to be the one to do what Whitney was doing and kiss his forehead. But nothing was as easily fixed by praying.
“This hangover is really kicking your arse isn’t it baby? Have you been sick again? Do you need more tablets?” With every touch Callum was burned, shying away from the contact no matter how caring. He couldn’t bear to look into the eyes of a girl who loved him so deeply but he couldn’t love back. He gently took hold of her frantic wrists and slightly nudged her back so she was resting back on her heels.
“I’m okay babe-” Hearing the word made Ben feel sick.
“I just had a funny minute. Ben came over to check on me, I’m fine.” He gestured towards Ben with his head, pleading with his eyes for Ben to agree with him.
“Yeah, I know he can’t handle any illness so I wanted to check in. Sorry that I didn’t call and ask first.” It took every ounce of energy he had to put on a smile and cover his sins. He had not only kissed her boyfriend but he had fallen head over heels for him.
“See? You can go back upstairs and finish getting ready.” He ran his thumb over her half finished makeup. After a worried glance, she accepted his story and went upstairs, leaving the boys alone again. Callum just stared at the spot she was just in.
“I love her, I do. She is so, so, lovely and kind and caring and funny and smart and sweet and just perfect. She does everything for me. She even cleaned up my sick this morning.”
“Why have you been drinking so much?”
“I couldn’t live with myself and my thoughts, Ben. It was the only thing that made everything go away.” Ben could feel his heart splitting in two and falling out of his chest. How could he have reduced such a pretty, innocent boy to this.
“You know, she even helped me wash my face after I was sick and too drunk to clean myself up. I’ve never had anyone do something like that for me before…”
“...Except me…” Ben ducked his head slightly to catch Callums eyes, reminding him of a day from months ago.
“Except you…” Callum whispered, more to himself than Ben, his voice cracking and fading to nothing.

For weeks Callum practically lived with Ben, immersing himself in the Mitchell family. He had a place at their table, a toothbrush by the sink, a side of the bed, a coat on the coat rack. For once he felt like he had a family. He felt loved. On many occasions he found himself cooking with Sharron or talking about reality TV with Louise or playing games with Denny or, on the rarest occasion, talking about football with Phil. Sharron would call him her son and the word “son” made him tear up and feel more than just accepted by the family. He had a home. He had his people.

In march he had caught an almighty cold and was knocked-for-six for days. He was constantly throwing up, sleeping, watching tv, throwing up again, on loop. It was relentless but he was never alone. Ben took the days off college and sat with him every minute. Without fail he would be wherever Callum was. He would bring up the soup Sharron had made on a tray and feed it to him, even though he was completely capable. He would softly rub his back when he was kneeled over the toilet bowl expelling his guts.
“You let anyone know that I’m mothering you and you’re dead. You hear me, halfway?” He would joke everyday.

Callum soon got fed up of feeling grimy and demanded he have a shower. Ben warned him that it wasn’t the best idea considering he could barely stand but he was too frustrated to listen so all but staggered to the bathroom and locked the door. Ben was on tenterhooks for the few minutes that he was shut away, alone. When a crashing noise erupted from the room alongside the light patter of water Ben sprinted to his room to retrieve a coin and unlocked the door from the outside. Callum had collapsed in the shower, completely naked, crying. He was exhausted. After realising that his friend was in his birthday suit, Ben promptly shut the door and covered Callum in a towel. The older boy felt beyond embarrassed, his cheeks flushing bright red. But Ben had no judgement, he had nothing but compassion and patience. There was no “I told you so” or berating. He simply fussed over him, making sure he wasn’t hurt, and helped him out of the shower and onto the closed toilet seat.
“Right, smart arse, let's get you into a bath instead, hm?” Callum could only nod and look on in bewilderment as Ben went about filling the bath with warm water, bath salts, and bubble bath to give Callum some privacy. No one had ever cared this much about him, given Callum such attention. Ben talked aimlessly as he went. He talked about cars and music and anything else that came to his mind.

Once the bath was filled appropriately, Ben held a hand out to help Callum into the water.
“Right, I am going to hold your waist and you hold my shoulder, yeah? You can drop your towel just before you get in.” And they did just that. Working together to lower the lanky boy into the bath while still keeping what was left of his dignity. Ben made sure he was comfortable before making a move towards the door, only being stopped by a relaxed hand grabbing his wrist. When he turned back, Callums eyes were begging him to stay.
“Can you talk to me more, please?” And who was Ben to deny him that? He perched on the toilet seat where Callum once was and continued to ramble, watching Callum drag his hands through the bubbles and relax into the water.

After a few minutes Callum tried to wash his hair, reaching forward to get the shampoo bottle but instantly sitting back as his head swirled again, black spots appearing in his vision. While still talking, Ben moved closer to the edge of the bath and reached for the bottle.
“So people seem to think Wicked is the best musical to date-” He flipped open the lid.
“But they clearly haven’t enjoyed some of the oldies yet-” He poured some of the clear liquid onto his palm.
“Like Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of the best!” He used his free hand to fill a nearby jug.
“It is perfect! Uh, head back please m’lord.” Callum followed his instructions, slowly tipping his head back to allow the water to cover his hair.
“Oh and Grease!” He carefully carded his hands through Callums hair, creating more bubbles and lathering each strand.
“Summer loving will never be beat.” He massaged his scalp, cleaning the roots and ends of his hair. As he went about both washing out the shampoo and adding the conditioner, Callum could feel his eyes slipping closed and only focusing on Ben's voice.
“Right, let’s get you out.” Ben heaved the much larger boy up and out of the bath, covering him in a towel and helping him back to the bedroom.

The memory of that day came flooding back, punching Callum in the gut. That was the breaking point. The flood gates opened and he sobbed into his palm. Something primal came over Ben, a need to shield the boy from all the bad things in the world and take away all his pain. In the blink of an eye he moved to enclose Callum in his arms. Instinctively Callum pushed and shoved and moved away from the embrace, desperate to be alone. But the moment he stopped fighting and let himself feel Ben's arms he fell into him, clinging for dear life. He hid his face in the crook of Ben's neck and choked out broken sobs. Ben could feel him shudder in his grasp and found himself crying too.
“Sh sh sh, you’re okay, I’ve got you.” He was lost for words. He didn’t know what to say or do apart from just holding him. In that moment Ben truly realised all he felt for Callum. It wasn’t just love; it was a bone deep feeling of adoration. He was drunk on the feeling. No person, no god, nothing could stop that feeling, a feeling that was always saved for only Callum. Only the broken, the perfectly broken man he had fallen for. Maybe, just maybe, all those times that Ben felt lost and alone and undeserving and cold it was just because he hadn’t found the warmth that was deeply embedded in Callum’s soul. Maybe he was born with a hole in his heart that only he could fill. He tried so hard to fill that hole, to bury every emotion he felt for Callum since the moment he met him, he tried to mute it, muddle it, ignore it but he could never pull it out of him. He was helpless.

Seconds turned to minutes but eventually Callum pulled back just enough to look Ben in the eyes. There he found his home. All he was worth, all he loved, all he had ever wanted resided deep within those oceans of blue. Those eyes pierced his soul and bore him open, leaving him exposed to the elements. His life only seemed to exist in the fragment of time that he had spent with Ben, the fragment that felt like an eternity. But an eternity wasn’t enough, forever wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough. That moment of loving stares made a world of fog become clear. Callum was helpless, he was gone, he was lost in Ben. In a whirlwind of emotion, Callum found Ben’s lips. They crashed together like two stars creating a supernova, a flash of light in the darkness of the universe.

In that moment time ceased to move. Ben’s hands moved to frame Callum's face, thumbs caressing his cheeks. The small contact made the world stop spinning, sending shivers down Callums spine. He felt like he was being touched by the lord above. Their lips moved slowly, slipping together like they always belonged to be locked in such a way. It was as if they were made for each other, like they were made from the same intergalactic star dust. Callum placed his hands on Ben's waist, pulling him impossibly closer, allowing himself to drink the scent and feel of him. The taste of nicotine and mint and vodka and tears all moulded into one. In any other situation the flavour would be nauseating but it was so uniquely them and neither boy could seem to hate it. Both boys could feel the puzzle pieces in their hearts slipping into place. This wasn’t their first kiss but this was the beginning of something new, something that couldn’t be hidden away or ignored. This was it.

Ben was the one to pull away, sensing something shift in the room. Callum all but whimpered at the change, flicking his eyes open and chasing Ben’s lips, trying to pull him back to their little world that they created. But they couldn’t stay there forever, there was an outside world that still needed dealing with.
“Cal-” Ben tried to hold him off with a soft palm to his chest but Callum was still high on the feeling of freedom and love.
“Please?” His voice was so small and pleading, in any other situation Ben would be helpless to do anything but give that boy everything in the world, the sun, the moon, the stars. He would give him everything he had and more. But he couldn’t just yet. First they had to deal with the crying girl standing behind them.

Chapter Text

If you told Ben when he met Whitney that she would end up slapping, punching, screaming at him while shoving him out of her house then he would be somewhat shocked. If you then told him that it was because he was kissing Callum, her boyfriend, in her own living room he would have been downright bewildered.

When Callum followed Ben's eyes to find his girlfriend silently crying, covering her mouth with one hand and grasping at her dressing gown with the other, he felt frozen. His veins, which were once flooded with love and desire, ran ice cold, draining all colour from his face.
“Cal-” She just about choked out behind her hand. The name felt rotten coming out of anyone's mouth but Bens. He said nothing, just stared.
“Callum what- what are you doing?” The hand that was covering her mouth moved to run through her hair, pulling it slightly at the ends as if to try and wake her up from this nightmare. Ben didn’t know what to do, what to say, where to look. He could only manage to glare at the floor like it caused the whole mess. Callum said nothing.
“Callum I swear to fuck if you don’t tell me what is going on!” Whitney's voice was no longer a whisper, she was yelling now, voice creased and cracked around the edges. This time Callum tried to say something, anything, the words lost in his head. He begged his vocal chords to at least twitch, to tell her that this was all a big understanding, a mistake that he endlessly regretted. He knew he should have got on his knees and begged her to take him back, to tell her he would never even look in the direction of Ben Mitchell again if that meant she would forget this whole thing, but he just couldn’t.

In search of answers, Callums eyes found Ben. That slightest look sent Whitney into a rage he had never seen before.
“STOP LOOKING AT HIM LIKE THAT!!” Her voice bounced around the room, penetrating his ears. She had turned bright red under all her excessive makeup with paler, slightly black tear lines running down her cheeks. In only a few seconds, Whitney made her way across the room to stand just in front of the pair and slap Callum's face, forcing him to look up at her. The crack of the slap also forced Ben's eyes up.
“Babe it isn’t- I don’t- we haven’t-” Callums brain was running at a 100 miles a minute. Thoughts came as quick as they went and his mouth couldn’t catch up.
“I know what I am looking at dickhead! And don’t call me babe! How long have you been shacking up with him behind my back, hm?”
“I haven’t slept with him!” Dreaming about it doesn’t count, does it?
“I don’t believe you Callum, I don’t think I ever will! What about him?” Acrylic daggers dug into Ben’s cheek, pulling his head up to face the problem at hand.
“How long have you been fucking my boyfriend?!” Half the square should have been able to hear her.
“Listen to your boyfriend, Whit, I haven’t screwed him alright?” Despite the fear overwhelming every sense, Ben remained calm and collected, every word dripping with fake confidence.
“You’ve thought about it though, haven't you?” She pulled at his jaw more aggressively this time, practically pulling him out of his seat.
“I really don’t think you want to know about that, all the weird and wonderful images I built in my head.” Once again, Ben was being an arsehole. Proving the stereotypes people had of the Mitchells right. He knew exactly what buttons to press to rile people up. He didn’t even have a reason for speaking to her in such a way, making a joke about such an awful situation. It was clear that he had done his job correctly as her tears evaporated from her face.

She used every bit of strength she had, pulling him towards the living room door and shoving him down the short hallway.
“YOU ARE A CUNT BEN MITCHELL! RUN BACK INTO THE HOLE YOU CRAWLED OUT OF AND LEAVE US ALONE!” Amongst her shrieks Ben could just about hear Callum calling out from behind her, begging Whitney to just leave him alone and talk to him, but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
“You let me know if you can taste me next time, yeah Whit?” Due to her rage she could barely make out what he was saying as she shoved him out of the front door.
“The fuck did you say to me?” Her hands braced on the door frame. Ben took a second to broaden his shoulders, straighten his back and shove his hands into his pockets.
“When he gives you a kiss before bed tonight, let me know if. You. can. Taste. Me.” That was the final straw which ended with fists flying into his chest and doors slamming.

That was all she could take. Whitneys body was wracked with sobs, collapsing against the heavy door. No matter how hard she tried to drag herself, her body wouldn’t comply, leaving her stranded on the floor. She struggled for a few seconds before Callum hurried over to offer a hand.
“Whitney let me-” She swatted away his hand, staring daggers into his soul. If looks could kill.
“Fuck off!” No matter how defiant she was, Whitney just simply couldn’t stand alone, so after a handful of attempts, she accepted Callums help. He carefully placed his hands under her arms and heaved her to her feet, only to be shoved away a moment later as she barged passed to hide in the living room, denying him access by throwing the door in his face. Callum felt so lost. He couldn’t run to Ben, he couldn’t try to comfort Whitney, so instead he settled himself on the bottom step, contemplating everything.

After what felt like hours, he decided to take his chances and entered the living room, fed up of facing his demons inside of his head. The sight he was met with was heartbreaking. His girlfriend, the person he was supposed to love more than anyone else in the world, was sitting, deflated, on the floor in front of the sofa. She must have collapsed there. Her gaze was cold and distant, not moving from a place on the far wall, and she was chewing her thumbnail as tears rolled freely. Shivers ran through her in waves. Without saying a word, Callum slowly approached the fragile girl, as if approaching a wild animal, and placed himself a few inches away from her.
“Whitney… I… Can you please tell me what you’re thinking? I, uh, I know I don’t deserve anything from you but we need to talk about this Whit.” His voice was soft and low, inviting.
“Was the sex really that good?” She didn’t look at him. Didn’t move at all in fact, talking into the emptiness of the room.
“What?”
“Was the sex so good that you would cheat on me with- with a man?” She moved slightly then, staring down the Mitchell household as if she could burn Ben alive with nothing but her gaze through the glass.
“I told you, we didn’t have sex. I promise you!” Callum turned his body to face her completely, ensuring that she understood that he was telling nothing but the truth. No more lies. He had had enough of lies. Of lying to her, himself, everyone. His answer made Whitney cry much more aggressively.
“Woah woah woah, Whit, I said we didn’t do anything else! I don’t understand. Babe, please listen.” Tears began to run from his own eyes again.
“I know, I heard ya! I- I believe you…”
“Whitney I don’t understand…”
“If you didn’t do this for a cheap bunk up, to get what i clearly weren't giving ya, then that means that-” The words burned her throat.
“You must really… like him.” The thought of her boyfriend simply liking another man was much more palatable than the other, much more likely scenario. Whitney was keeping a tight grasp of her rose coloured glasses. Without managing to say the words himself, Callum just nodded along, allowing her to work through this in her own time.
“Do you love him?” She wasn’t angry. Wasn’t upset. She was just tired, glassy eyes aimed towards a space just in front of her boyfriend. Could she still call him that?
“Of course not! I love you Whit!” Callums hands found her face, pulling her eyes to his. Desperation oozed from him.
“Babe, baby.” Gentle hands wrapped around his wrist. They brought them into Whitney's lap and intertwined.
“No no no! Whitney I am so sorry! I will never even look at a man again, it’ll just be me and you okay? Only us I promise.” He sounded like a child begging for a puppy. Making promises to always walk it, feed it, play with it, clean up after it. Promises that could never be kept.
“You know you can’t. I don’t want you to. Don’t lie to me and don’t lie to yourself, Cal, we both deserve more than that.” No attempts were made to clean up the tears they both shed.
“Do you love him baby?” She shuffled only slightly closer. A beat passed as a thousand thoughts passed in front of Callum’s eyes.

The first time he thought about it was in late October, making Lexi’s Rapunzel dress. Seeing Ben dancing around with his daughter, the person he adored most in this world, without the weight of the world on his shoulders. Callum had been invited into his home, his life, his daughter's life. The word “family” was shrouded with ice and barbed wire and scars in his mind, never to be touched before Ben. But he had held a tender candle to it, slowly melting it with sweet words and memories. Now family meant soft moments in a darkened living room, swinging around, covered in glitter with a rough mitchell and a blonde haired angel. That moment was when “love” first crept its way into Callums mind, the first time he ever felt it.
The word crawled its way back, this time taking up home in Ben's eyes as he delicately wiped blood from Callums mouth. Never before had Callum had someone to cradle him so gently as they picked him up, brushed him off, and cared for him so deeply. Callum didn’t deserve to be loved so innocently by such a brash man. He didn’t deserve to share the soft spot that was kept for him in Ben’s heart. He didn’t deserve the warmth that he found in his bed. Yet it was all offered up to him on a plate. The word popped up every day for months, every single second he was in that stupid boys presence. Every word of his that filled his ears was liquid gold that he wished to cling onto for forever. Every glance made him feel completely exposed, broken open to the world but he never felt judged or ashamed by the eyes that casted them. Every touch made sparks fly through his veins, his hairs stand on end and heart threaten to beat out of his chest. When he was younger, Callum was told by his nan that the utmost love could only be delivered by god. And she was right. But her vision of God was wrong. God was a short tempered, arrogant, bold, brave, kind man. Callum would pray to his god if he could. Kneel before him and beg to be kept in his presence. At the end of the world he would cling to this god, drink him in, allow the world to burn around him as long as he could keep his hand in his grasp. Fire could eat him up from the outside. Water could fill his lungs. Dirt could suffocate his body. Nothing but pure adoration would flow in the presence of god.

He didn’t need to say the words to Whitney, barely even needed to move before she understood what he meant. Of course he loves Ben, in the purest way he possibly could. A simple nod was all the confirmation the young girl needed.
“Yeah?” Whits tears made an appearance again.
“Yeah…” and that was it. The next thing Callum knew he was crashing into his girlfriend's arms, sobs wracking his body. Months of fear, hate, loathing all flowing freely from his aching bones. Whitney could do nothing but hold him close until the sobs came to an end. There they both sat, in the middle of the slater living room, holding each other as if they weren’t a girlfriend living in a make believe life and a gay boyfriend living in denial.

They sat intertwined for an eternity, slowly muddling through the mess in their own time. It was almost as if they had slipped into a crease in time in a bid to escape reality. Said reality came storming in eventually in the form of a herd of young children and a shouting Bianca.
“Whitney are you in? I’m going to get chips! Are you and your lover boy eating with us tonight?” Her laughs were muffled by the living room door. It was time to face the world. Whitney made a move to get up and leave, wiping away the few tears that remained before doing so.
“I’m going to go and tell-” One hand was braced on the door handle, the other was desperately being grabbed by a deer in headlights.
“Please, Whit, don’t tell her. I’m not- you can’t- I don’t” The words just wouldn’t come out, no pun intended. Callum had only just been able to face the truth himself and he was far from ready to face the whole world. In his mind he would much rather face a screaming, fiery Bianca Jackson than a terrifying, judging square. But Whitney didn’t owe him anything. She didn’t owe him secrecy, privacy, sympathy. Nothing. She was in her right to scream at him for suggesting she lie to her mother, tell him he was a liar who had just broken her heart and throw him out on the street. But she had proved to be much better than that. Instead, she smiled sweetly and went out to see her family, sheepishly followed by a trembling Callum. He made his way out of the house, stopping to turn back for a final glance at his gir- no, she wasn’t that anymore, his friend in the kitchen. All he was met with was a furious woman staring daggers into his soul, he could see where Whit got it from, and Whitney tugging her arm, stopping her from lunging forward and tearing his vocal cords out with her teeth. He smiled for one last time at Whitney before closing the door behind him.