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She felt confused.
Her sight was blurred.
She rationally knew she was dreaming, but she couldn’t make the nightmare stop.
It wasn’t the first time she experienced this.
It was all very fragmented.
At first they were at the NCIS, Tony would open the envelope and later they would both be in solitary confinement.
After receiving the test results she would have tested negative for the plague.
Tony wouldn’t.
Dottor Pitt would ask her to leave and she would cry on Ducky’ shoulder.
That was ok, she already knew that part.
Here the problems began.
A grave.
A funeral.
Abby crying and trying to hide from the entire world, hugging Gibbs that tight, she started thinking he was going to explode.
McGee was holding it together.
A stoic look on his face that didn't belong to him.
He was trying to remember the good times with Tony.
The jokes, the teasing, and even all the 'probie' shouted at his back at the crime scenes.
Ducky couldn’t believe it.
Despite the war, all the people he had lost during his life, he could never accept the death of a so young and full of life person.
Gibbs and Director Morrow were two rocks, giving condolences to Tony's father and telling him that his son was a great agent, but first of all a great person.
She couldn't get close to the scene, she would look at the grave and thought she should be there instead of him.
She had a cold, her immune defenses were low.
The chances of her catching the plague were higher than his.
But now, she was going to attend his funeral.
Kate woke up crying in a cold sweat.
She tried to regulate her breathing, but like every night, at first she struggled to get her regular heartbeat back.
She had the same nightmare every night since Tony was released from the hospital.
It was irrational, she knew that, but when he was in the hospital she knew if something horrible was going to happen, doctors would have come to assist him in a heartbeat.
Now he was home, feeling better but still weak, which was pretty normal after what happen to him.
Kate had offered to stay with him the first few days after his discharge.
She was sure Gibbs and McGee had done the same thing.
Tony refused all of their suggestions.
He wanted to stay alone, rewatching old movies and falling asleep on his sofa -much more comfortable than the hospital bed, I swear!-.
Kate knew better.
She didn’t know how to explain it; Kate felt a mixture of worry and guilt towards Tony.
What they both had experienced had been traumatic. For Tony, as he had been face to face with death, and for Kate, who refused to come out of isolation so as not to leave him alone and had to watch him suffer, struggling to breath.
Kate wished she could talk to Tony about all this, but she couldn't.
It had always been difficult for her to express her feelings.
She understood that throughout her life and wanted to change this side of her, she really wanted to.
There had been an opportunity.
She was on the phone, with Tony; it had been on the tip of her tongue.
I’m sorry for what happened, you’re like a brother to me.
But she shook her head, calling herself stupid, and ended the call with a joke, as usual between them.
Anyone who observed their relationship from the outside could have mistaken them for a couple; sometimes she wondered if also Gibbs though that.
He would throw a knowing look at her and then smile to himself.
But nothing could ever happen between them. Kate couldn't have been happier with their friendship anyway.
Kate looked at her phone and sighed.
In addition to always having the same nightmare, it was also the same thoughts that ran trough her head.
She looked at her phone every night and thought about calling him. She needed to say aloud that she was afraid.
To lose a friend, an excellent partner at work, a brother.
Then she felt stupid again, sighed again, took a shower and told herself she didn't need to burden Tony with her problems.
She laughed to herself, maybe she should have called her sister, Rachel, instead of sending her kitten videos and avoiding serious talk.
She got out of bed and walked into the shower.
Kate rolled her eyes: the clock struck 4.36, another sleepless night.
-Stupid feelings- she murmured to herself.
As the water flowed over her shoulders, she wished she was as brave in her life as she was in her work.
Kate had just come out of the shower when she heard someone knocking at her door.
She looked at the clock again, for the second time that night, and noticed that it was already five o'clock.
Too soon for someone to show up without telling.
Her senses were immediately alerted; silently she approached a small safe she kept in her room and took the gun.
She walked to the door and holding the gun firmly in her hand, looked through the peephole at who was outside her door.
She breathed a sigh of relief.
Working in the Secret Service had taught her to be suspicious of every detail that seemed wrong to her, and obviously someone at your door at five in the morning can seem totally out of place and dangerous.
But not this time.
Today there were only talking two people that couldn’t sleep.
- Tony, you scared me to death.
What are you doing here? Is everything okay? - she asked, putting the gun down and turning to put it away, inviting Tony to close the door and follow her inside.
-Yeah, I couldn’t sleep and decided to take a drive.
I was passing by and I decided to come over and annoy you since you’ll have to work a few more days without Super Special Agent Dinozzo-, he smirked, looking around.
Tony had never been to Kate’s apartment before, like she had never been to his.
He noticed it looked exactly like he had always imagined it, classic and well tidy.
Typically Kate.
As Kate turned to look at him, with that usual half smile on her face, Tony sat on the huge sofa in the middle of the room.
Tony was exhausted. He loved lying to himself and saying that he felt good and ready to go back to work, but the truth was totally different.
When his team called, he hid his anguish with irony, and when Abby still came to him to bring a soup -special recipe of the Sciuto family- to regain strength and feed, he pretended smiling and thanked her, because he was obviously grateful for her thought, but exhausted.
He knew everyone knew he felt like that.
Gibbs had been insistently asking if he didn’t want a few more days to spend at home, under the mask of a tough boss, a father worried about one of his children.
Tony had smiled and refused, he could not stay in the house with his thoughts.
He had almost died, and to think about it -apart from making him coming to mind dozens of films-, shocked him deeply.
Kate frowned.
-You’ve been driving a lot.
My house is very far from yours- she studied him thoroughly.
One of the first things Tony asked Kate, once she joined the team, was to not profile him, being one of her specialisations in profiling.
She smiled and replied that she did not need to make a profile to understand that he was a pig, and then add that she did not like to analyze the behavior of her colleagues, except on special occasions and in exceptional cases.
Well, this seemed to be one of those cases.
-Kate, for one who worked for the Secret Services, you don’t have a good poker face, just to let you know- he said, smirking and leaning against the couch.
His eye bags had to be dark and marked and he could easily imagine what she was thinking.
But she didn’t look any better either.
Tony was almost sure that her dark circles were the same as his, and her face was pale.
-Sorry- she smiled, approaching the sofa -not one of my best nights- she shrugged and sat down with him.
-Are you okay? - Tony asked.
He came to Kate led by a force he didn’t know what to call.
That night he woke up and realized he couldn’t spend another sleepless night walking around his apartment.
He had thought to go to Gibbs or McGee, even to Ducky, although he had discarded the last hypothesis almost immediately, the stories about Mrs Mallard immediately in his mind.
Kate knew what he had been through, and Dr Pitt later explained to Tony that she had refused to leave the isolation room as long as she could stay.
Tony was grateful for that. He had very confused memories of that day and many missing pieces in his mind, but he remembered her presence next to him.
He felt closer to her than he already had before.
Tony hadn’t had any siblings, unless,behind his back, Antony Senior had been busy around the world during his business trips, but anyway thinking about Kate, that was how he imagined a sister was like.
Kate sighed.
All she had to do was look Tony in the face to see how he felt, but she was sure that her exhaustion would be on her face too.
He turned to look at Tony but immediately looked down, unable to hold his inquisitor gaze.
She was having her second chance, she could tell him how much he meant to her, the plague had made her realize how short and subtle life was.
- I just... - she took a deep breath -I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from what happened.
I know it’s stupid, nothing happened to me, but... I can’t stop thinking about all the possible scenarios.
I was sick, how is it possible that you were so close to death and I got off so well… It’s just not fair to you- she managed, prey to her emotions.
They remained silent for a few seconds, which seemed like an eternity to Kate.
Tony looked at her in a very sweet way, nothing to do with their usual joking smiles preceded by some unrepeatable jokes.
Tony put a hand on Kate’s cheek, and wiped a tear, making her realize that as she spoke, her eyes were filled with tears again.
After that, Tony hugged Kate and her dam broke.
She began to sob, as when just after leaving Tony behind, she had hugged Ducky and said he was dying.
Maybe even worse than that, she didn’t remember crying so hard for many years now.
Her cheeks turned red, she hated to be seen weak in front of others. Showing someone your weakness was never a good thing, although Rachel tended to disagree and she wondered again if you should call her sister.
-Kate, it’s not your fault.
And now I’m much better- said Tony, holding her to himself, as soon as her sobs began to calm down.
Tony could have spoken earlier, told her that she was being ridiculous to think of something like that, that if he had been in her place, he would have gone mad, and couldn’t bear to see her on the verge of death without being able to do anything about it.
In total powerlessness.
He wanted to tell her that she was one of the strongest women he had ever known, that she valued her and that he couldn’t imagine his life without her anymore.
But he realized that Kate needed to let off steam, that she’d felt that mix of emotion, guilt and sadness, since the day that stupid letter arrived at NCIS.
He figured she hadn’t told anyone about it.
During a visit from Tim, his colleague had let slip that Kate was acting a bit strange, that according to him she was hiding the concern under a lot of irony and hard work.
Tony was blushed inside, feeling exposed by those words and had promised to call Kate and keep her under control, but she was very good at deflecting the topic.
It was also for this reason that Tony, driving to her apartment and seeing the light on, had decided to stop by her.
She did not expect a visit at that time in the morning: her defences, those she had carefully erected in order to carry out her work at best, lowered.
-I know, but it was horrible.
When I was told to go out, I thought I’d never see you again, and in my head, I thought my last memory of you would be, that- she stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath, -Instead of the playful Tony I love to have around around. Though you are irritating sometimes- they both laughed.
Tony looked at her, he wanted to make a joke, quote a movie, because the air between them was getting heavy, with all those things never said, but that both thought about each other.
-Thank you for staying, I mean.
This is going to sound crazy, but you gave me the strength to move on in that situation. - Tony replied.
She let herself go with him. He heard the sincerity in her voice, and it was right to repay her in the same way.
Kate smiled, looking away.
He accidentally noticed, the clock on the wall, in a vague attempt to look everywhere, as long as not Tony.
-Damn, it’s quarter to six.
Neither of them had slept again that night and she didn’t want Tony to go home, driving after a sleepless night was not an option she could accept.
-Why don’t we go back to sleep?
I think I still have half an hour before I have to get ready to go to work and share all these emotions has been... important but tiring.
Stay? - she asked, getting up to approach one of the blankets on the other side of the sofa, and passing it to Tony with a tentative smile.
- Yeah, I think I could use some sleep- Tony said.
Kate walked towards the light switch and turned it off, the light from dawn now filtering through the window.
She didn’t feel like going back to her bed, so she walked over to the other side of the sofa, but Tony grabbed her arm and dragged her next to him.
- Kate, you’re like a sister to me, I want you to know that.- Tony said, hugging her and throwing the blanket over her, asking her to stay there with him, as if Kate could ever leave him alone.
Kate smiled, clutching at him, now that she had heard him say it, she felt stupid for not having said she felt the same.
- You’re like a brother to me too, Tony.- she replied, feeling grateful for the situation her life had taken.
When she left the Secret Service, she thought her life would fall apart.
She had found another job that gave her more satisfaction and a family instead.
They both dozed off, neither of them really sleeping, but finding comfort in the presence of the other, feeling somehow lighter.
-Kate?- Tony broke the silence.
-Yeah?-
- I never thought I’d be able to sleep with Miss Wet-Shirt.-
They both burst out laughing.
*
Tony looked into the mirror, he had just left the crime scene.
It made him feel strange to call him like that.
Because this was personal, and to call it a crime scene made it too cold.
He looked at Kate’s blood on his face.
He had been crying and he didn’t even realise it.
She thought she was going to lose him, but he ended up losing her.