Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jon and Adrien flirting across the room from Lila who is getting jealous and worried since she had told the class that she’s dating Adrien. When nobody was looking, she threw the closest to her at Jon. 

Jon: Who just assaulted me with a chalupa?!

Lila: You don’t have a boyfriend!

Jon: That’s why I fuck yours!

Jon: Let’s play never have I ever

Mari: Never have I ever had gay sex

Adrien and Jon take a shot

Adrien: Never have I ever slept with the son of a billionaire. 

Mari takes a shot

Damian: Never had I ever had to break out of my house to fight a furry

Mari and Adrien take a shot

Jon: Never have I ever kissed a girl 

Damian, Adrien and Mari takes a shot

Jon: Care to share Mari?

Mari: Got during truth or dare with a bunch of lesbians

  Dami: Never had I ever made out in my friend’s garage during a Christmas party. 

Jon and Adrien glaring at Damian while taking a shot. 

Mari: Never have I ever taken less than three shots. 

Damian and Jon both take a shot. 

Mari: Just had to make this even. 

Damian: Never had I ever been an only child for more than twelve years. 

Adrien: Had to change that one up a little didn’t we Wayne?

Adrien, Mari and Jon take a shot. 

Bruce: Never had I ever played, never had I ever by taking shots of hot sauce as the punishment. 

Damian, Mari, Adrien and Jon all take a shot.  

Bruce: Just go to sleep already. And give me the hot sauce. 

Adrien: My father turned off my credit cards and since Marinette isn’t here to be my impulse control. 

Chloé: How much money do you have on you right now?

Adrien: Sixty two bucks and a nickel. 

Chloé: Well, since Mari’s not here and you have over thirty bucks, why don’t we go buy some hair dye. What color do you want?

Adrien: BLACK!!! Like my father’s soul. 

Chloé: Atta boy!!

Damian: Has anyone seen my will to live?

Jon: Marinette’s in the kitchen making your birthday cake. If you want, go talk to her from outside the kitchen

*cut to Damian standing outside of the kitchen with his back against the kitchen door*

Damian: Angel, have you seen Titus?

Marinette: If somebody gave a dollar to a person in need every time Lila lies, we could have solved homelessness years ago.

Damian: Yes but then should could claim that she single handedly abolished homelessness. 

Marinette: Yes but then she would still be lying by default because she’s not giving people the money, that’s someone else. Which means another dollar to someone in need. 

Jon: Damian, next time you and Mari are fucking, please keep it down. I don’t need to hear it man. 

Damian: Jon, we were on the other side of town. It’s not my fault you can hear for miles. Besides, it’s not like I couldn’t hear you fucking Adrien in my garage at two in the afternoon on Christmas. Like come on man, even your dad was there.

Chapter Text

Reporter: So how did you and Jon get together?

Adrien: He kissed me in front of an anti-gay protest sign 

Marinette and Damian on different sides of Mari’s apartment

Marinette: Damian! Where’s the chicken?

Damian: In the backyard!

Marinette: I don’t have a backyard! 

Damian: But that’s where Cluckerton is!

Marinette: I meant the chicken I asked you to put in the fridge to defrost last night!

Damian: Oooohh… forgot about that. How do you feel about takeout?

Marinette and Adrien at the mall in one store while Jon and Damian are in a different store. 

Marinette: Adrien, you’re standing right next to me, why are you texting me

Adrien: Shhh! Just read it. 

Adrien: what should I get Jon for our date?

Mari: Idk. Buy him some jewelry or smthg

Adrien: your grammar is atrocious 

Mari: Says the boy messaging in lc 

Adrien: hush

Adrien: but srsly what should I get him???

Mari: IDK maybe some bracelets or rings or smthg. 

Adrien: thanks Mar💛💛

Mari: 💙💙

Stephanie: Hey Chlo, what time is it?

Chloe: SUMMERTIME

Marinette: IT'S OUR VACATION 

Adrien: WHAT TIME IS IT??!!

Jon: PARTY TIME

Tim: THAT’S RIGHT SAY IT ALOUD

Jason: WHAT TIME IS IT?!!

Dick: TIME OF OUR LIVES

Connor: ANTICIPATION

Cass: WHAT TIME IS IT??!!

Duke: SUMMER TIME

All: SCHOOL’S OUT, SCREAM AND SHOUT!!!

Damian: It’s February third, three forty seven pm. You all need help

Marinette: Damian, dear, I love you and you know I do, but please get some help

Damian: Says the one who started singing for no reason. All Brown did was ask for the time and you all burst into song as if you were in a theater performance. Pff, and I’m the one who needs help

Damian smirks as he walks away, finding it fun when his family and friends get concerned about him not understanding pop culture references when he’s been around long enough to know that they were singing to the opening song for High School Musical 2.  

Tim: I would give my left arm for some coffee right now

Jason: I would give my right foot for some tequila 

Dick: I’m both mildly concerned and not surprised

Damian: I know a few sites you can use to sell your appendages. I just want a portion of the profit. And the beverages.  

Dick: Damian, I sincerely hope you’re joking

Damian: Of course I am. Why on Earth would I drink coffee?

Chapter Text

Dick: Hey Mari, remember the first time you and Damian actually got along with one another. Man, that day was wild. 

Mari: Did you seriously make a pun about the akuma attack where everyone who got zapped turned into a wild animal?

Dick: …no

Mari: Good, because if so, I would have fed you to the wolves

Jon: What was the first thing Damian said to you that made you realize you loved him?

Mari: He asked if I was cold, the proceeded to berate me on my lack of being able to dress properly for the weather in Gotham and that just because what I was wearing was beautiful, didn’t mean that I needed to sacrifice my own health, and that I should have said something while we were still by the car because then he wouldn’t have needed to carry around the bag that he brought that had a thick jacket for me that he thought would go with my outfit. 

Adrien: He told me that I was like a dog. Loyal to a fault, energetic, and that if it wasn’t for the fact that I lived in Paris and was trying to defeat Hawkmoth, who turned out to be my father, that he would have adopted me. But seeing how I am eighteen, and a few months older, he can’t. 

Jon: Damn, he’s always so nice to you guys. He told me that while I still had horrid form when fighting, I wasn’t dumb enough to try to fight someone without at least letting Damian scope out the area first, and that he was starting to tolerate my being after knowing each other for three years. 

Damian: If I hear a word of any of this bull feces in the news, I will sue you all for slander and report you all for attempting to kidnap me. I’m sure the fact that my hands are duct taped right now, and the fact that you put me between both Marinette and Jon for this unprecedented escapade will work well in your favor. 

Mari: Damian, if it wasn’t for the fact that your hands are duct taped, you probably would have managed to not get into the car in the first place. 

Damian: I’m quite sure that knocking me unconscious and then taping my hands to then put me in a car for this friendship activity you three have planned is the only reason I’m in this car. If you had asked me, I might have said yes. 

Mari: See Jon, I told you knocking him out should have been saved for after we asked Damian to come. 

Jon: I thought you meant you were going to ask him and then we knock him out!

Mari: No! I meant wait for his answer and if he said no then you would knock him out! And if that didn’t work then we would have used Mar’i!

Damian: Wait, you were willing to use Mar’i to get me to go on this trip?

Adrien: That was Dick’s idea. He heard us talking about what we would do if you refused to go. 

Damian: You all are mental. 

Mari: Love you, Dami!

Damian: You did adequate tonight Agreste

Adrien: Thank you sir

Damian: Don’t call me sir

Adrien: Thank you ma’am

Marinette: Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing

Tim: Not even god knows what you’re doing

Marinette: When I first met that Batbois, I thought Batman was built like a brick shit house. Then I met Jason, and for a split second thought he was Superman

Adrien: Jason is thicc, cannon

Jon: Damn, now do I not only have to live up to my father’s level, but also to Jason’s

Marinette: Don’t worry Jon, Adrien is one of the most bottom of bottoms to have ever bottomed. As long as you could pin him to a wall like the Mona Lisa, you’ll be fine

Damian: Drake destroyed Grayson’s favorite pair of shoes, put itching powder into his gymnastics chalk, and put poison ivy in his underwear and yet I’m the evil one

Tim: I’m evil when provoked, you’re just evil

Dick: Has anyone seen my daughter?

Marinette: She’s with your brothers

Dick: Oh okay. Tim will make sure nothing happens to her then

Tim: I’m right here Dickie Boy

Dick: Then whose with Mar’i

Crashing from upstairs followed by yelling and cheering

Tim: Honestly, I think it’s going well. Maybe I can give Jay and Demon Spawn Mar’i next time you decide to drop her off without warning me

Dick: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone 

Jason: Explaining to Marinette the torture I faced at the hands of the Joker

Jon: Worcestershire 

Mari: Can I hug you?

Damian: Sure

*Mari jumping up onto Damian’s front*

Damian: Uh Angel, not that I am complaining but what are you doing?

Mari clinging onto Damian with her arms around his neck and legs around his waist: I am giving you a koality hug

Mari: I hope this plan works better than your plan to cook rice in your stomach by eating raw rice and then drinking boiling water

Adrien: This is not like that plan

Jason: so... i saw you spending a lot of time with Demon Spawn lately

Mari: no, Jay, it’s not what it looks like! i swear!

Adrien: oh really? so no reason for me to get jealous?

Mari: i promise! me and Damian are just dating, okay? he’s my boyfriend.

Adrien: so there are no best-friend-feelings involved?

Mari: you are still my one and only best friend! he’s just the love of my life, nothing more!

Adrien: but i’m still the platonic love of your life, right?

Mari: of course

Jon and Damian: wha-

Damian smiling: 

Dick: you’re smiling

Damian: can’t I smile?

Mari: Lila fell down the stairs and broke her ankle

Adrien walking Jon home after a date:

Jon: Well, this is me. Bye bye!

Adrien: Bye gay!

Jon: I absolutely hate you!

Mari, half delirious from lack of sleep and a caffeine crash, sits up suddenly, eyes wide: Oh my god!

Damian, who had been working on his homework quietly at his desk, startled and turned to her: What? What is it?

Mari turned to look him dead in the eye: He’s called Batman but he can’t fly or has any sonar abilities. He’s literally just a man in a bat suit. Batman is just a furry with martial arts skills. My whole life has been a lie.

Damian stared at her in bewildered amusement: Seriously?

Mari complained, pressing his face against the metal of the table: A lie! A huge lie!

Mari: Ew guys, look at that nasty scrunchie on the ground

Adrien: Ew, it’s all wet and dirty

Jon: A visco girl died here

All three somberly: Sk sk sk

Damian: What the fuck

Chapter Text

Lila: My mom told me to be myself and everyone would like me!
Damian: She lied.

Batman: Whose side are you on anyway?
Harley Quinn: The side of whoever didn’t piss me off at the moment.
Batman: Is that why you painted Hood’s helmet brown and replaced Red Robin’s smoke grenades with confetti grenades?
Harley Quinn: What can I say? Nightwing and baby bat didn’t piss me off as much as the other two during game night.

Lila: It’s a white flag, and you may as well start waving it right now!
Marinette: The only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
Damian, Jon and Adrien: 😬
Lila: Good lord

Adrien: Wow, if I had a nickel for everytime my father hugged me, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Marinette: Are you okay?

Jon: who’s turn is it for dinner?
Mari: Tim’s
Jason: So does that mean we’ll be getting takeout?
Jon: Oh come on Jason, have some faith in Tim
Tim: Yeah Jason, have some faith
Two hours, and three different smoke alarms later
Tim: Soo… who wants pizza?

Joker: Now that I’ve got you right where I want you, I’ve got a question for you.
Red Hood: No I don’t know why your mother left you
Red Robin: No, you're not funny
Ladybug: Your fashion senses are atrocious and you’d be doing us a favor by killing us so we no longer have to look at that monstrosity
Joker, crying: I just wanted to know how many more of you there were

Bruce: Dick, why is Damian wearing eyeliner?
Dick: Because he can
Bruce: Yes, I know that. But I don’t recall him having plans tonight
Jason, also wearing eyeliner: Marinette is practicing for when she needs to do hers for Jagged’s party next week
Bruce: Thank you Jason. Please let her know that I’m here if she needs any tips. I’ll be in the study
Dick and Jason: ???

Superman: Chat Noir, don’t jump off that roof!
Chat Noir: You’re not my dad!
Chat starts to run towards the edge
Superboy: Do a flip!

Marinette, very drunk: Damian, you’re such a great friend
Damian: Angel, I’m your boyfriend
Marinette: oh good.

Damian: pretends to stretch
Damian: puts arm around Marinette’s shoulder
Jon: looks at Adrien sitting next to him
Jon: pretends to stretch
Jon: hits Adrien in the face with his elbow

Christmas Day
Mari: Just wait until I turn Damian on
Jason: Ew, I don’t want to hear about that
Mari: No, I mean
Mari: grabs remote and turn the lights on Damian’s sweater

Damian: I’ve still got a few knives up my sleeve
Adrien: Don’t you mean tricks?
Dick: He does not
Damian pulling three very sharp knives out of his sleeve: I do not

Chat Noir: Hey watermelon.
Ladybug: Hey flea bag. How’s patrol going?
Chat Noir: Oh you know, same old, same old. Helped a lady get home, got shot, got a kitten out of a tree.
Ladybug: Oh really? What was the kitten’s name? Wait… YOU GOT WHAT?

Jason: Mari!!! Damian stabbed me!!
Mari: Jason, I told you to stop provoking Damian. If you don’t want to get stabbed you need to stop making him want to stab you.
Jason: All I said was “Hey Dick”. I wasn’t even talking to him! I was talking to Dick!
Mari: Sounds like a you problem

Chat Noir: How far do you think I would need to fall for it to hurt?
Superboy: I would say ten stories
Ladybug: Oh please, a ten story drop is like doing a cannonball into the pool. Do twenty.
Batman: DO NOT JUMP OFF A BUILDING YOU ARE NOT INDESTRUCTIBLE
Red Hood: Last one down is a little bitch!
Que everyone but Batman jumping off the roof and ending up in the infirmary

Tim, very drunk: I have a higher body count then Bruce
Dick: How do you have a higher body count than Playboy Bruce Wayne? He’s our father is literally the definition of man whore
Tim: Bruuuce doesn't kiiiilllll. It’s his number one ruuullleeee.
Jason: Tim, what do you mean by you’ve got a body count?
Tim: Do y'all know how many assassin’s I’ve blown up?

Mari: Ra ra Rasputin disco balls and cottage cheese
Damian: Marinette, how much have you had to drink tonight
Mari: who needs to drink when you can just let the demons win
Damian: So three quad shot espressos. I’m cutting you off for the rest of the night

Tim: Why is the ranch spicy?
Jason: I think you’re just white white
Tim: my tongue is tingling

Jon: would you like a cookie?
Damian: no I would not like the cookie
Jon: pulls out broken cookie: would you like a broken cookie? It’s significantly less cookie

Jason: you think I could ever get lost? The answer is yes, all the freaking time!

Chapter Text

Bruce: Damian, what are you planning on doing with that sword
Damian: just some fancy stabby shit

Dick: Jason, did you shoot that rapist?
Jason: Yeah, i think he thought his boner could deflect a bullet

Tim: If my computer doesn’t start in the next three to five business seconds, I’m throwing it across the room
Steph: guess we’re yeeting a bitch

Steph: and then I said “I better call PETA cause you’re about to beat that pussy” … I didn’t get laid that day
Barbra: And why did you think that would work?

Jason: People clicking pens, tapping their foot, throwing grenades. You know, normal American school system stuff

Dick: Hello cute danger fishy!
Bruce: Dick, stop trying to pet the shark. It doesn’t want to be pet

Mari: I used skin safe markers and white out so it cancels out
Jon: you’re right cause if PMDAS
Mari: EXACTLY
Dami: wft

Jason: Well, my plans for tonight were ruined.
Bruce: What were they?
Jason: Nothing Jesus would be proud of.

Tim: And that’s when you chucklefucks come in and wake me up

Alfred: Did any of you cause any damage while out?
Jason: no, just a little collateral damage.
Alfred: Collateral damage is still damage

Adrien: Zero rizz but still got bitches

Barbra: Welcome to Wayne Manor, someone turned a couch vertically and is standing on it

Adrien: You know my father. I was raised

Lila: You’re such a loser Marinette. You should just kill yourself
Mari: If I’d ever wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and then jump to your IQ
Batfam: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason:
Bruce: Don't even open your mouth because my answer is no

Damian: I will carve our initials into a tree on out first date because it’s the most romantic way to let you know that I have a knife

Jason: my life has become a never-ending game of “Illegal or just frowned upon”

Bruce: You can’t tell Damian and Marinette what to do. I’ve been trying since they were fourteen. I remember one time when I tried to assign them to different patrols. She kicked me, he bit me, and some little punk kept saying “leave them alone, they should get married.”
Jason: I was cute back then huh?
Bruce: Precious

Mari: If you like the United States, thank the French

Jason: Why is Damian so talkative?
Mari: Introvert turned extrovert just by having some tequila

Hawkmoth to Myura in battle: You know Myura, some people may say that we’re outnumbered, but I’d say we’re in a target rich environment.

Jon: Maybe I'm going into menopause?

Kagami: I want a punch buggy so that I can be the reason that people can punch each other.

Mari: An oval. A 3D oval
Adrien: a 3D oval, you mean a potato?

Chapter Text

Jon: This was a terrible idea. Then again, every idea I’ve ever had was terrible. Except for the idea to fake being sick to avoid school. That one was good

Mari: Nvm to winning a fight with a mouse. I just lost a fight with my jacket pocket

Damian: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Mari: *trips over nothing and crashes into a tree, apologizing profusely to it*

Damian: That one. I want that one.

Dick: Okay, let's go over this again. What do we do when something goes wrong?

Duke: We try to fix it before Marinette and/or Alfred get back.

Dick: And if that doesn't work?

Steph: We blame Jason.

Jason: Good.

Dick: Damian has no survival skills. His need to win has replaced them 

Mari: That can’t be true!

Dick: Watch this. 

Dick: Hey Damian, race you to the bottom of the stairs!

Damian: Throws himself out the window

Damian: Just go! I don’t want you here!

Dick: I’m pregnant

Damian: What?

Dick: I thought we were saying things that weren’t true

Chat, trying to get answers out of Ladybug: So, do you have a crush on anyone?

Ladybug, without even looking up from her yo-yo: The only crush I have is crushing anxiety

Jason: Oh no, you don’t want to befriend me, I’m a handful

Mari: I have two hands!! :)

“Not all men!”

You’re absolutely right, Alfred Pennyworth would never. 

Adrien: Wow. Jon’s hot

Mari: Well yes, he’s on fire

Adrien: …That’s not what I meant

Bruce: I’m going to ask you to be respectful

Jason: I will politely decline 

Mari: Bonjour, ça va bien?

Jason: Fuck outta here with that shit, I don’t speak croissant 

Jason: Listen here you son of a bitch-

Adrien: don’t talk about my mother like that, or I’ll fight you

Jason: I was talking about your father

Adrien: Very well, carry on

Gabriel: …

Mari: *laughs*

Mari: *is sick*

Damian: *dumps a stack of papers in front of her*

Mari: Homework?

Damian: It’s my way of saying get well soon. 

Mari: You know, chocolate says that better

Damian: I did all of your assignments for the week. All you need to do is sign your name. 

Mari: Chocolate means nothing to me

Tim rolling up to Marinette’s apartment in a Rolls Royce and bedazzled sunglasses just honking until Mari comes outside: Mari, you’ll never guess what Lex Luthor wore to the board meeting this time!

Mari with matching sunglasses: oh my god, not the green Gucci sw-

Tim nodding his head: the fucking green Gucci sweats

Hawkmoth: you played me like a fiddle

Ladybug: Oh no, fiddles are actually quite difficult to play. 

Ladybug: I played you like the cheap kazoo you are. 

Tim: are lobsters mermaids to scorpions?

Jason: Tim, it’s four in the fucking morning

Nightwing, looking at Joker: You’re like the .1% of germs that hand sanitizer doesn't kill

Jason: WHO THE H-E-DOUBLE-FUCK ARE YOU

Mari: I love bees. They’re so important for the ecosystem and they’re cute and make honey

A bee: buzzzz

Mari, shaking and crying: please don’t hurt me 🥺

Jason: You son of a bitch

Damian: yeah, I still don’t know what Mother say in him

Bruce: *brings home orphans*

Damian: *brings home animals* 

Jason: *brings home attitude*

Dick: *brings sexy back*

Steph: *comes in late, brings home starbucks*

Mari, young and naive: I hope something good happens!

Mari, now: I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny

*After an all-out prank war between the Bat-Fam, ending with Dick as the loser*

Dick: So how did you convince the whole team to betray me? What did you offer them?

Jason: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you and they instantly said yes

Bruce: We have to do something, and fast!

Jason: *hurls Damian at the bad guys*

Bruce: Why did you-

Dick: Nope, just leave him, Bruce. We all know Damian won’t die

Tim: unfortunately

Chapter Text

Mari: Ah yes, gourmet leggings.

Dick: bruh, that was straight red

Jason: No it wasn’t, it was roange… it was rellow 

Dick: THOSE ARE NOT REAL COLORS

Steph: I will throw hands, and chairs

Jon: Fried fingers of French men

Jason: I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?

Bruce: ..Good?

Jason: It is very unlikely that I will ever do that again

Damian and Mari: (walks into Bruce’s office, hands behind their backs)

Damian: Father, I would like to congratulate you. You are now a grandfather.

Bruce: (seconds away from a heart attack)

Bruce: w-what?

Damian and Mari: (reveals hamsters that they were holding behind their backs)

Mari: We would like you to meet Herold and Gerold

Bruce: (slumps in his chair)

Bruce:  Next time… please- please lead with that… I’m begging you

...

Dick: (hiding in the vents with his phone livestreaming to the Bat Cave)

Dick: They actually did it

Jason: Holy shit those sons of bitches actually did it!

Bruce: Damian’s not answering his phone

Mari: Let me try

Bruce: Mari, no offense, but Jon, Dick, Jason, Alfred, Cass, and I have all tried. I don’t think-

Dami: Yes, Angel?

Mari: Give me back my pen, I’m warning you!

Jason: Ohh, I’m so scared! What are you gonna do, Pixie Pop?

Mari: (decks Jason out cold with one punch)

Dick: Marinette!

Dami: Angel… Can you take Todd?

Jon: YOOO!!! That's my friend!!

At dinner

Baby Jason: Hey Bruce, how much of this meatball is meat?

Bruce: I don’t know, probably 90%?

Jason: So it’s 10% balls?

Dick: (spits out his drink laughing)

Jon: I don’t know how to tell you this but… you’re in love with me

Adrien: wha-

Adrien: Oh my god I am

Dami: What kind of love confession did I just watch?

Tim: You read my diary?!

Jason: At first I thought it was a really sad, handwritten book

Dami: (turning to Mari)

Dami: He reads?

Mari and Tim: (faces squished on the dining room table, snoring loudly, drooling on the table)

Dick: How many sleeping pills did you put in their drinks?

Jason: I don’t know, seven? Twelve?

Jason: (rolling down the window)

Jason: what seems to be the problem officer?

Dick: Get the hell out of my car, Jason.