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In the beginning, it was a very lonely existence.
Just him, alone.
But then Darkness and their sibling, Light, came. And he wasn’t alone anymore. Yes, he was still lonely (he didn’t have someone to go to as Light and Dark did. They always had each other, and he had no one). Then Life was created. But Ranboo still didn’t have someone to turn to. Then Death appeared. He was closer to her (she was such a motherly woman—despite the fact that he was older than her—and so inclusive and loving), but she still had Life, and he was still lonely.
Eventually, he simply gave up on having someone be as close to him as all the other gods. He sat and watched as every god was created with an opposite. Except for him. Yes, there was Chaos and Destruction, but there is no true opposite of balance. All the other gods could create imbalance, but it was his job to restore it. Thus meaning he had no true opposite who understood him better than he understood himself. He had friends, and he had people he could talk to, but he didn’t have a family
(except for– no. He left, and he wasn’t going to come back)
. And that made his existence quite lonely.
When Life created beings, he was able to be distracted from his loneliness. Learning more about these creatures and watching as they discover new things and explore the worlds around them fascinated him. He lived among them, learned from them, restored the balance of their worlds. When the creatures took too much from the world around them, he was there to take from the creatures and give back to the worlds.
The only one he felt truly connected to was The Void. She was technically his mother after all, and someone he could tell everything to. But She wasn’t a being. She couldn’t give him the hugs he sees Life give Death or a head pat that parents gave children
(that he– no)
. She couldn’t even really speak to him. She was just there. A presence. A comforting presence, but a presence nonetheless. Someone he could talk to, but someone who could never understand, respond, or sympathize. It was like talking to a wall.
It was hopeless.
And it only succeeded in making him feel more lonely than before.
He watched. He watched as all the gods made friends with each other, some including him, some not. But he was always distanced. He was always the one to turn to, The all-knowing being. He wasn’t really. He didn’t know everything. Sure, he knew most things (and only because he was the oldest and the God of Balance—in order to have balance, you kinda need to know what’s going on as well as how to balance things), but he didn’t know everything! There was one thing he knew with a surety though. One thing he knew that no one else knew. He knew he was lonely. Surrounded by beings yet still alone.
He watched as beings were created. Watched as they formed relationships with each other, and some with gods. He tried to blend in. He really did, but there was something off about him. Too powerful, too otherworldly, too ancient, too different to really belong.
And even when he did belong, even when he did form relationships, they all ended up leaving. Sometimes promising to return, but never doing so
(just like-)
. And so he was alone yet again.
And then he decided to go down and live among the mortals. And he finally made friendships, and finally felt whole for once. But then those people died, and relationships fizzled out, and then he was alone once more.
So he kept trying. He kept making friends, establishing relationships, losing them, and then doing it all over again. And then it got to the point where he had thousands of people to mourn. And he couldn’t do it one more time. And so he retreated to The Void in defeat and focused solely on his duties (and not the soul-deep, aching loneliness he felt).
And then he turned to fighting to distract his mind when that didn’t work.
And then he got an invitation.
And in a moment of loneliness, a moment of weakness , he accepted.
And he made friends (ones that he can’t regret making, even though he knows that when the time comes he will mourn all over again and selfishly (and untruthfully) wish that he had never met them).
And he hasn’t looked back.
----------
“I’m dying,” Tubbo says matter-of-factly, plopping down on the grass next to Ranboo.
“I- What?” Ranboo startles, straightening up and staring at the brunette next to him, checking him over for any visible, life-threatening injuries.
“I’m dying,” Tubbo says again, still completely serious.
“Huh?” Ranboo’s still panicking, trying to figure out what is wrong with Tubbo and how he can help.
“Every second that passes means I’m closer to dying. So, I’m dying.” Oh. So he’s not actually in danger of dying right that moment. Tubbo looks way too calm and accepting of the confusion and weirdness of that statement. What kind of person just says something like that? And what kind of a person just uses that as a greeting? A Tubbo kind of person it seems. He honestly shouldn’t be that surprised anymore. This is, unfortunately, a common occurrence.
“I- You’re technically right?” Ranboo hesitantly says, not wanting to encourage or discourage the other teenager. “But-”
“Of course I’m right. I’m always right,” he ignores the enderman hybrid trying to correct him and continues on, “But isn’t it crazy? How ever since you’re born you start dying? And one day you’re just gone. Bam. You no longer exist. You’re just a small blip in the history of the universe. A split second in time. A memory quickly forgotten, if ever remembered.”
“Huh.” Ranboo takes a moment to think about what Tubbo just said, before saying, “Well that was poetic.”
“Right?”
It falls silent then, a comfortable, companionable silence, with each thinking their own thoughts.
Ranboo goes back to what he was doing before Tubbo’s existential crisis: twisting the blades of grass between his fingers and moping about his not-really-all-that-secret-(at-least-not-any-longer)-secret. Wait. He’s told pretty much all the people close to him that he’s not really mortal… except for Tubbo. Which is kind of weird considering they’re married and all. You’d think that when you have a reality-shattering secret and people start finding out, your platonic husband would be the first to find out. But nope! First, it’s your friend/father-figure/neighbor, and then your kind-of-best-friend/brother-figure/who-knows-what-your-relationship-is-anymore-certainly-not-you, and then it’s your mentor/neighbor/father-figure/older-brother-figure person. And your platonic husband who you live with sometimes doesn’t know. Doesn’t that make so much sense? It sure does! Good going Ranboo!
Moment of drama over, should he tell Tubbo? Oh gosh. He should really tell Tubbo.
“Should really tell Tubbo what?”
Ranboo freezes. Oh crap. Did he say that out loud?
-----POV Switch: Tubbo-----
“Should really tell Tubbo what?” Tubbo asks, only hearing the tail end of Ranboo’s muttering. When the enderman hybrid turns to look at him, stuttering out “Huh?”s, “What?”s, and “Uh…”s he only smirks and raises an expecting eyebrow.
“I- I- uh…. Just that…” Ranboo stutters out, a panicked look on his face.
Tubbo lets him stew in his misery for a moment more, before he opens his mouth to say, “Look, Ranboo, you don-”
“ImkindatheGodofBalanceandtheoldestbeingintheuniverse,” Ranboo blurts out, interrupting Tubbo.
“Huh?” Tubbo sits there, trying to figure out the mash of words Ranboo had just spewed out.
His husband takes pity on him, repeating what he just said, albeit a bit more nervously. “I, uh, I’m kinda the God of, uh, Balance and the, um, oldest being in the, uh, uni- universe?” His voice pitches up on the last word out of nerves, making the sentence sound like a question.
Tubbo’s in shock. Ranboo’s what? How-? Huh? He’s- sorry. He must have heard wrong because there is no way-
Despite his tumultuous thoughts, the brunette attempts to replace the worried frown on his husband’s face with a smile. Despite his confusion and inner turmoil, his words are smooth and clear as he forces out, “What do you mean kinda, boss man? You either are or you aren’t.”
His goal is accomplished as Ranboo ducks his head with a quiet laugh, a soft smile now on his face. However, when he looks back up at Tubbo, some of his shock and puzzlement (and maybe a little bit of betrayal—because why didn’t he tell Tubbo earlier?) must show on his face, because the worried frown returns to its place on Ranboo’s face.
After a beat of silence—Tubbo still frozen in bewilderment and Ranboo awkwardly shifting—the taller sighs. “I’m sure you, uh, have a lot of questions,” he flashes a small smile that looks more like a grimace.
“I- yeah! Uh… Oh prime! I don’t even know where to start! I mean there’s a ton of questions I have now. Like if you’re the oldest being in the universe, then you must have seen and know everything. And! You say universe, which implies that there’s more than just the worlds we know. Which begs the que-”
Ranboo holds up a hand to stop the flow of words assaulting him, the most confused, bewildered, lost look on his face. It almost causes Tubbo to laugh, and it would have, but his brain is so caught up in trying to word his confusion so it makes sense and doesn’t just add to the confusion and awkwardness of the situation, that he can’t devote any of his attention or thoughts to finding it funny and actually laugh.
Tubbo opens his mouth to continue on, but Ranboo beats him to it. “I guess the most simple explanation is I have seen everything, but I don’t necessarily remember everything? Like my memory problems aren’t entirely made up. They’re just… exaggerated! Just- with how much information I have in my brain, the trivial things like dates and stuff kind of slip through the cracks. Well, especially dates. I mean, time kind of really doesn’t mean anything? I mean I’ve been alive for eons so…” he shrugs as Tubbo’s mouth drops open. “But yeah, uh, there are other worlds. Um, not really any right now? Well, at least not any that have any sentient life I don’t think. But then again, it’s been a while since I’ve checked in with Mother, so in all possibility, there could be other worlds out there with sentient beings, but I don’t know. I mean-” Ranboo catches sight of Tubbo’s raised eyebrow and cuts himself off. “Sorry,” he says sheepishly. “I guess I got a little bit carried away there.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Uh, I think that was all. Uh, do you- do you have any other questions?”
Tubbo hesitates. He has a ton of questions, but what question should he ask? Does he ask what’s really bugging him? Does he want to take this conversation into emotional territory so soon? Or does he keep asking trivial questions? You know what? Screw it. Might as well.
“Uh… yeah. I just,” he sighs and frowns. “Why- why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
Ranboo freezes, but then a sad look comes over his face. “I- well….” he takes a deep breath. “I wasn’t originally planning on telling anyone, but then some people found out. But- but that’s not why,” he quickly says. “Uh, just losing people is already hard enough. I, uh, I’ve had a lot of friends over the years, and I’ve lost a lot of people. And just I-” he glances over at Tubbo. “And I don’t want your pity! But it just….” he sighs. “It never gets easier. And I guess… I guess I don’t tell people because it’s easier when they believe that they’ll see me again. Which… I guess I could. See them again, I mean. ‘Cause Kr-Death would be totally okay with it. But I think having to leave them again would make it hard. And I would have to leave. I do have responsibilities. And so I just- I let them think that they’ll see me again and it makes it easier for everyone.”
“But not for you,” Tubbo says with furrowed brows, concerned for his friend.
“No,” Ranboo laughs, a sad smile on his face. “Not for me. But it’s fine! I get to meet so many new people! And there are all the other gods who I can talk to. It’s not like I’m- it’s not like I’m alone!” (the “but I’m lonely” goes unsaid, Tubbo unaware of how solitary life as an immortal being can be) “But it’s better that no one knows.”
“So- so then why did you tell me? I mean you really didn’t have to, but…. If you feel like I forced you to, I am so sorry! That was not my intention.”
“No!” Ranboo laughs. “I’ve been thinking about telling you for a while. You probably would have been the first person I told. But, uh…. Well, some people found out. And I figured it was time for me to tell you. Plus it would have been better if you had heard it from me than from someone else.”
“Wait.” Tubbo now realizes what Ranboo had said multiple times. “Someone else ? Who else knows? Like Phil and Techno?”
“Yeah! And-” Ranboo hesitates. “And Tommy!”
“Tommy?!” Tommy knows? Before Tubbo?
“Yeah and Tommy,” Ranboo laughs at the insulted look on Tubbo’s face.
“Tommy?!” Tubbo repeats, still shocked. How did he not even suspect that Tommy was hiding something from him?
“Yes,” Ranboo smiles. “Tommy already knows.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOMMY ALREADY KNOWS? THAT LITTLE-”
Ranboo’s laughter echoes across the field.
And Tubbo knows that everything is going to be okay.