Archive of Our Own ^beta

I just wanna get out of bed and do something. Stream, do a video, edit, vc with someone. I just wanna do something.

But I can't.

My body feels heavy. Hot. Weighted. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and keeping me nailed to my bed. I stopped taking my meds without telling anyone because I thought I was finally getting better. I thought I was finally getting happy. But I fooled myself. I hadn't gotten up to retake them and get back on my feet because I can barely even open my eyes. Everytime I open my eyes, they fill with tears. My mind filling with thoughts of "Do it. No one will miss you. Just pickup that knife you have hidden away and slice. Do it over, and over, and over again until all you see is red." I can't even escape my own thoughts. I have no sense of time. Last I checked the time was probably days ago. I don't know what day it is, what time it is, or how I've gone this long without peeing, eating or drinking water. No one has even come and check on me. Not even-

Knock knock "Hey Trav? Can I come in?" Cooper. He came to see me. "Yeah" I scratched out. Yeesh . I sound worse than I probably look. The door creaked open to reveal a concerned and sympathetic Cooper. "No offense, but you look like shit Trav." Cooper said with a light chuckle. I smiled, or at least tried to. "Thanks Coop."

"Do you want me to get you anything?" Cooper asked sweetly. I love him so much. He's always caring for me. "Water please..." I said, trying to sit up but miserably failing. "Okay, I'll be right back Travis." Cooper said. I nodded.

Cooper came back with a cold bottle of water. I sat up and I felt my body being pushed down by an invisible force. I knew I couldn't lay back down because my throat really hurt and I knew I could use the hydration. I ended up chugging more than half the water, then suddenly feeling the urge to pee. I got up, and swiftly walked into my bathroom, not saying anything else to Cooper. 

After relieving myself, I walked back and slipped back into bed. "Hey Trav, when was the last time you took your pills?" Cooper said, picking up the small orange bottle on my bedside table. "Last night..." I said quietly. Cooper saw right through me. "Oh bullshit. When did you last take them?" Cooper said, obviously getting frustrated. I'm upsetting him. I'm so dumb. Why can't I just be a good boyfriend. Whenever these thoughts ran through my head, it was like a devil was on one shoulder and an angel was on the other. The devil whispering to me "He knows you're lying Travis. He knows. You're upsetting him. I can't believe you could be such a bad partner to the most amazing guy ever. You're the worst."

While the angel was whispering "It'll be okay Trav! Cooper isn't mad at you, he just cares about you and wants to make sure you're healthy and taking care of yourself." The angel was quite unconvincing.

"I promise I took them last night!" Lies. All lies. Cooper knows it. He just sighs and walks out, seemingly slamming the door. But that could be me overthinking.

**TIME SKIP**

I'm still laying in bed. Doing nothing. Cooper hasn't been up here since he brought me that water. I wanna get up and go downstairs to him, Sam and Noah. I wanna see my friends and my perfect boyfriend. But I can't move. It feels exhausting to even blink. Maybe Cooper and the guys haven't been up here because they don't care about me.

Why would they? I'm just some dumb kid who everyone thinks is so happy and bright. I'm only 21, I shouldn't feel like this but I can't help it.

"Travis, there's no shame in just ending it. No one would care. How long do you think it would take before anyone found you? It's been days since you've left your room, and Cooper only came in once. ONCE. Think about that Travis. Cooper doesn't love you. No one does. Why would they?" Welp...looks like the devil's back.

Maybe I should end it. No one would notice or be sad. I'm a waste of space. I'm useless. Worthless. Pathetic. Unwanted. Leaving would clear up room in everyone's lives.

I sit up for the second time today, and contemplate. Thinking about if I should do it or not. It'd be for the best. I get up out of bed and grab a pen and paper. Writing people notes should at least clear up why he did it. "They're just gonna throw them away." The devil spoke up, darkly chuckling after his sentence.

Dear Coopie, (I know you hate that name, but it's for old times sake)

I love you so much, and none of this is your fault. None of it. So don't you dare blame yourself. This is only my fault. You're the best person I've ever met, and I can't imagine what life would be like without you. And I'm sorry you have to experience life without me. You probably don't care. Through the last 3 years we've been together, it's been very difficult for me to believe you everytime you said that I was beautiful and that you loved me. I know you always meant it, but it was hard to believe. I know this might sound cheesy so make sure you're not lactose intolerant, but you're the love of my life. You're my first *real* boyfriend and I'll never stop loving you. I'm sorry to put you through this, but it was needed. I love you so much. Never ever forget that. You already know my passwords to everything, so that leaves one more thing. After about a month of me being gone, text people from my phone pretending to be me and freak them out. We always talked about doing that if one of us died. You're the best thing to ever happen to me, and I'm gonna miss you. But I'll always be with you.

-From: Travy. I love you. More than you'll ever know.

I wrote Sam and Noah notes, and sat them perfectly spread on the side of my bed. I reached into a drawer in my bedside table and grabbed a knife that I've seen way too many times...for a bad reason. I rolled up the sleeve to my black hoodie, and put the cold metal of the knife against my arm. And... slice, slice, slice....

I kept going until I couldn't feel it anymore. My arm looked like it went through a cheese grater. Or a paper shredder.

I started seeing black in my vision. You know how people say their life flashes before their eyes when they die? I realize what they mean by that. The life you just lived is what flashes. All your memories and thoughts. Just going through your head at a million miles an hour.

I shouldn't have done this. But it's too late.

I quickly drop the knife, and lay down on my floor. I let my body go limp as darkness clouds my vision. I lay there...just...letting...go.

Cooper's POV

I knew Travis was bullshitting when he said he took his meds last night, but he wouldn't just tell the truth. I love him, but he's way too stubborn.

Noah is making food for everyone. I told him to make grilled cheese for Travis to cheer him up. Even if it's just a little bit. Travis has been in bed for like 60 hours straight. I love him, but it gets me pissed when he doesn't take care of himself.

I sit on the couch with Sam and we watch Superbad while hitting the bong multiple times. Sam was highly laughing at the stupid jokes made in the film.

"Food's done." Noah said in a monotone voice. "Alright. I'll go get Travis to come down here." I replied. I don't know why, but I was very nervous walking up the stairs to Travis' room. I had a feeling in my stomach like something wasn't right. Something was...off. As I opened Travis' door, I was greeted with a sight that I will never be able to forget.

**TIME SKIP**

(Because I don't feel like hurting my own feelings.)

"In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Matthew chapter 5, verse 4; Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Said the priest. I tried my best to hold back tears. It didn't work very well. "Now let us pray in the house of God. Lord our God, you are the source of life. In you we live and move and have our being. keep us in life and death in your love, and, by you grace, lead us to your kingdom, Through your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen." The people in the room concluded the prayer with the priest.

"Travis wanted someone here to have a very special word to share with us. Cooper Schulz, if you could please rise to the podium." I looked up from where my eyes rested on my lap. Travis wanted me to talk? I mean, I know he was my boyfriend...but this is kinda big.

I'm gonna have to come out to this entire room right now.

"U-um...my name is Cooper and I was uh...Travis' boyfriend." As I finish my sentence, I see about a total of 4 dirty looks. Dicks.

"We were together for about 2 and a half to 3 years. I will never forget what I saw. My heart instantly broke. He was the person that mattered most to me, and I wish he believed me when I told him that. He was not only my boyfriend, and it might sound cheesy," I said, a handful of people breaking out into soft laughs. "but he was my best friend. We would playfully yell obscenities at each other when one of us killed the other in a game, we would hit each other when one of us would say something embarrassing to a friend, we would hack each other's social media and post stupid stuff. It was the best memories I've ever made. I will never forgive myself for my last words and actions to him. I said 'Oh bullshit' because he was lying about taking his medicine. And when he refused to tell me the truth, so I stormed out of his room and slammed his door. I hope he knew that I love him more than the English dialect could describe." I rambled getting into my own thoughts. I quickly snapped out of it and finished my speech.

"A-anyways...that's the end of that. Thank you all for being here. Travis would've loved seeing you guys." I finished with a sad, watery smile and went back to my seat.

"That was beautiful Cooper. Thank you." The priest smiled at me, and I weakly returned it. "Let us move outside to complete the committal." The priest announced. Everyone left their seats and swiftly moved outside. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder. "Hey man, it's gonna be okay. I promise. Travis wouldn't want you to cry." Schlatt said with a red face, making it very obvious that he had been crying previous to this conversation. "Thanks man. I really do appreciate it." I replied, giving him my millionth sad smile for the evening.

Once everyone was outside, we crowded around the giant hole in the ground with Travis' casket being held over it. Everyone was sort of standing in their own little groups. Me, Charlie, Schlatt, Josh, Mason, Noah, Sam, Joko, Logan, Swagger and Ted were stood together. It was fairly obvious that literally all of us had been crying. All our eyes were swollen and our faces were red.

"God, our Father, we entrust Travis (idk his last name) into your hands" The priest lets three hand-fulls of dirt fall onto the casket, saying "From dust you came, to dust you shall return. Jesus Christ, our Saviour, shall raise you up on the last day. Lord God, our Father in heaven, Lord God, the Son, and Saviour of the world, Lord God, the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. At the moment of death, and on the last day, save us, merciful and gracious Lord God."  I feel like this is too catholic for Travis. I smiled at the thought of Trav looking down at the scene. Ted looked over to me. He nudged me with his elbow as if to say "Whatcha thinkin about?"

"I thought of Travis rolling his eyes at how catholic this whole this is." I answered him. I was quiet enough to not interrupt the priest, but I was loud enough that the rest of the group either smiled or let out small soft laughs.

"Let us now listen to the words of Holy Scripture that assures us of God's safe-keeping in life and death. Psalm chapter 23 verse 4, Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." The priest read more bible verses after that one. "Let us pray."

The priest leads an informal prayer. "Our Father in heaven, we thank you that, through Jesus Christ, you have given us the gift of eternal life. Keep us firm in the faith, that nothing can separate us from your love. When we loose someone who is dear to us, help us to receive your comfort and to share it with one another. We thank you for what you have given us through Travis (last name). We now entrust ourselves to you, just as we are, with our sense of loss and of guilt, When the time has come, let us depart in peace, and see you face to face, for you are the God of our salvation. Amen." The priest spoke delicately.

It was time. They lowered Travis' coffin into the ground and I broke down. The damn broke, and next thing I knew I was crying into Noah's shoulder.

The priest gave the final prayer, and we were on our way. Once we all got back to the house, we just sat in silence.

I will never forget this god forsaken day.