Archive of Our Own ^beta

It is golden hour and she’s slowly taking her shirt off. I look at her shadow. Her dark figure against the sunlit wall. The last rays of today, I am not very brave. I look at the shadow and see her shape, her slim shoulders and hair as she gently flips them back. In one second, the gold is blinding, in the next one the shadow starts to fade. 

“Look at me” she says and I listen. I turn my eyes on her and I see her naked skin as she stands there, next to the bed I’m laying on. 

It’s her bed in her room, her pillow is soft and smells like her. I look up at her face. She sends me a faint smile. I smile back and she gets on the bed, sits in front of me and we look at each other. 

“You’re beautiful.” The words escape my mouth and I can’t control them because there is not a single thought in my mind at the moment. The sun liked to kiss her skin just as much as I did. She wore sunscreen and felt like summer, like youth. 

"Take your shirt off," she asks and I hesitate. I don't look good. I don't have a body like her. Thinking about things like that makes me wanna back off, turn away, hide. I'm not very pretty, not like her. 

"It's okay, you're safe here," she says. "I'll help you." 

I gather all my courage and nod, so she comes closer and helps me undress. My heart is racing as her hand brushes against my tummy and goes higher, higher, higher. I know I will never forget this touch. 

"See, you're so pretty like that," she says and I can feel my eyes watering. I wanna deny it but then she closes the little distance that was left between us and hugs me, and lies down. 

She's laying on top of me, skin on skin, I keep my hands on her back. She smells so sweet like blueberry soap and perfume her father got her for 18th birthday. Giving it to her, had he known that one day she will be having girls over? He doesn't need to know, she's grown up now. My father doesn't know that either, maybe fathers by nature aren't meant to know what their daughters really do with each other. Maybe being a good daughter is hiding things from a father, so he doesn't ask too much. Maybe I just think that because I want to be a good daughter and right now I'm holding a girl in my arms. 

I remember seeing her for the first time, not really understanding why she seemed so interesting or why I wanted to get to know her so suddenly. The platonic feeling of fondness that never went away. I got curious, mesmerized, tried to remember every detail about her. Her name, her face, the colors she liked to wear. What she used to write notes with (it was black fineliner that you'd usually use for sketches and she used the coloured highlighters, even if the professor spoke so fast). She drank coffee during the second break and sometimes I got one too, so it was like we were having a coffee together, even if we sat three desks apart. 

I first talked to her when we did a group project. Then we talked some more outside of it. And after that, we had a real coffee date. 

Today she’s in my arms and I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it took me so long to speak to her. I can’t believe that what I thought was just curiosity turned out to be longing. I’m in her room, the golden hour turned to blue and I don’t want anything else right now. I know from movies and general knowledge where this situation should be going and even though I've never done it before, I have a vague idea of what should happen next. But I don’t want it to happen. I hug her tighter. Feeling her skin on my skin, being able to kiss her neck and shoulder, is enough for now. 

"Would it be okay if we didn't do anything?" I ask. "Could we take things slow?"

"Of course," she says and it's a relief. 

Because I'm not ready, maybe I never will be. And it's not like I don't want her, I do, I really do, just not that way. Not now. Maybe one day. I hope she understands if I tell her. 

She pulls herself up and looks at me. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to, you know that?" 

"I know," I say but I don't meet her eyes. She puts her fingers on the side of my face and gently makes me look at her. 

"I mean it" she repeats. "We can get dressed too, maybe I forced this-" 

"No," I cut in. "No, it's okay. This is okay." I keep tracing my fingers on her skin. "I'm sorry I'm like this." 

"I like you like this." She's quick to respond. 

I smile. "I really want to kiss you right now." 

"Then do." 

I bring her in for a kiss and when our lips touch it feels like being under water. Suddenly I can't hear anything, I can't breathe and all I know is her, her, her. Her hands caressing my body like waves, slowly taking me under. When I swim back to catch my breath and open my eyes I find the room completely dark. 

“Will you stay tonight?” she asks as she makes herself more comfortable. 

“I will.” 

I want to say I’ll stay forever but maybe it is still too early for such grand words. 

One time we went for a drive. I was driving my mom’s car and she was sitting next to me, looking out the window at the city she's never been to. The radio was on, it was sunny. There wasn't much traffic. 

Back then I was already in love. It was new to me because she was a girl but at the same time it made perfect sense. Until I saw her, I was caught up in the one romance fantasy, where I meet a man, marry him and give my mom grandkids. The scheme that was meant to be completed mechanically, as it should be, as it always had been. The older I got, the stranger this idea became. It was fading and I was running out of time to fulfill my role. I thought I was just too picky. I had no idea what I was even looking for. All those years of yearning for romance seemed like a wasted time.

And then I saw her walk into the class. Then I held her hand, she kissed me, and we shared a bed. We went on walks and to movies, we chose clothes for each other and made dinner together. When she talked to me, I felt euphoric. I liked to make her laugh. I would do anything for her if she asked. 

We were driving around and I wanted it to last. I looked at her and I didn’t want her to be a phase. 

We turn on the fairy lights and lie next to each other, listening to the outside world through an open window. We talk. I’m holding her hand and breathing slowly as if I had no worries. I don’t. The cool air of the spring evening makes our skin shiver but it’s refreshing, grounds us in the moment. Maybe we’ll watch a movie later. We’ll get dressed and make tea. We’ll take a bath and go to bed, laugh at videos on the internet and fall asleep after midnight. 

I’ll see her again in the light of the morning. When the first rays peek through the window, I’ll love her even more.

I’ll love her in a way the sun loves the earth. When it feeds the plants and makes us warm. When fruits ripen and become sweet under its touch. When cats sleep in sunny places and sun pets them gently. And when the sunlight dances on a wall, it’s magical.

Under the sun, life seems lighter. Under the sun, her freckles show up. Under the sun I kiss her gently and it’s forever summer at heart.