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Chapter Text

"Who the fuck told Nic'la Murray tae be a contestant for Task Master? Did that woman lose the last of her remaining marbles? They weren't many to begin with and harder tae find than Baby Reeder's balls."

"I believe it was her new PR manager" said Sam. "Come on, she wasn't half bad at "Would I lie to you".

"Any Poxbridge bitch from hell that done away her brain with coke could do Would I lie. If they have enough will tae live tae not tell the research team another of their fucking embarassing little dirty secrets that is. Aye, I was suprised Murray did manage that tae be honest".

"I don't know why you even bother. It's not like it is your job to make her look good in the public eye".

"Aye because I'm not a fucking kamikaze pilot. I know when yer doomed tae fail."

"To be fair I don't quite understand how Nicola would seek the spotlight and public scrutiny ever again. I am not sure I will be able to enjoy watching Taskmaster. Ever. Again".

"Och, if a desaster is bound tae happen might as well watch it and troll her on twitter about it".

Chapter Text

MESSAGES TO THIS GROUP ARE NOW SECURED WITH END-TO-END ENCRYPTION.

YOU CREATED GROUP "BATPEOPLE"

Sam: There you go, noobs.

Jamie: Seriously Malc? Fucking TM? If yer need to get rid of yer wife that urgently, I suggest slipping something into her tea.

Malc: Who made you the expert in this matter, Merry Brandybuck?

Sam: Are you calling us fellows of the ring Malcolm?

Malc: *cursing emoji*

...

Sam: You must admit comedy shows do seem rather risky, given her ... history of public events.

Malc: Fuck, don't I know it? Tried to talk her out of it but fuck that woman is stubborn.

Jamie: She can't think she'll come out of this alive.

Sam: Then again she won't be scared by Greg Davies' death stare or abuse.

Jamie: LOL

Malc: *raised eyebrow emoji*

Sam: Exactly.

Jamie: Cmon. Mal. Tell us.

Malc: Exfuckingcuse me, did you *ever* spend ten days of quarantine in the Murray household? FFS, I'd have said yes to anything.

Sam: I'll tell her you said that.

Malc: Kids love the show and talked Nic into doing it to support her charity. Then they talked me into coaching her.

Jamie: Yer getting soft old man.

Sam: So you sent her to WILTY as a test match?

Malc: All I could do on such a short notice. It wasn't a total desaster was it?

Jamie: Yer deluded. Not a funny bone in that lass.

...

Malc: Thank god it's a one off special. All she has to do is survive all the tasks on one day by herself.

Jamie: And a live show.

Malc: *cursing emoji*

Sam: You cannot possibly deny the entire concept of the show does not play into Nicola's personal strengths Malcolm.

Jamie: Yer fucked old man.

Sam: JAMIE *raised eyebrow emoji*

Jamie: Srry

Malc: It'll be broadcast on New Year's day. It won't get that much attention.

...

Malc: Who am I kidding I'm shitting my pants. We're fucked.

Chapter Text

"Nicola refuses to talk about any of the tasks but says she 'enjoyed the experience'" Sam said while settling on her couch.

"She's been the worst Leader ever and still puts it on her bio so don't give too many fucks about that!" Jamie brought a bottle of whisky and put two shot glasses on the table.

"What's this?"

"Tonight's options: Yer either letting me tweet about this clusterfuck or we make it a drinking game. One shot for every cringey Nic'la moment".

"How you can even think about drinking again on New Year's Day is beyond me" said Sam.

"I'm not letting a fucking dentist near me without fucking anaesthesia. Ye don't think I'll watch this without some emotional numbing".

"If you put it this way I see the appeal. I wonder how Malcolm deals with it".

"Rippin' out his intestines I'd say. Remind me why we're here?"

"Supporting terrible life choices of our best friends? Don't you chicken out now."

Chapter Text

"What's our prize task category for this one- off special Alex?"

"We asked to bring in a water cooler moment. There will be five points for the person who brought in the most gossip-worthy thing in their possession. At the end of the show the winner will not only take home your magnificent eyebrows but also everything needed to never again run out of hot topics to talk about."

"Better get this ready now" smirks Jamie, handing her the shot glass.

"I was rather surprised we made it through the title montage sober" Sam admits.

Nicola is placed on chair number five on stage so there is a choice of embarrassing videos, strange diplomas, and ugly DIY stuff to go through first.

"So what did you bring in for people to talk about, Nicola?" demands Greg in his most headmasterly tone.

"How the fuck is she not all in a fluster" wonders Jamie. "That woman used to panic talking on Radio 4".

"I brought in a photo from when I was a minister of the crown" smiles Nicola.

"Aiming for last place Nicola? Getting nostalgic for your career?"

"I have had my fair share of public embarrassement as a politician Greg and then some. But at least back then nobody had a real camera on their phone so some things went unnoticed."

"Those kids weren't even alive at that time" Greg complains with a gesture towards the three younger contestants.

"We can't all be fossils Greg" quips one of them before awkwardly saying "No offence Nicola".

"So do people still know the term being 'papped'?" asks Nicola. "Basically I got photographed in a less than fortunate moment by what we used to refer to as a paparazzi. Luckily it never got published."

"Interesting" says Greg with a smirk. "The tabs love printing unflattering pictures, don't they."

"You did those naked pictures for promo, Greg" quips Alex.

When the giggling subsides Greg addresses Nicola again. "So how did those unfortunate pictures never make headlines?"

"The then head of communication managed to retrieve them. He destroyed all of them bar one. After giving me the bollocking of a lifetime he bestowed it upon me as a memento to quote 'never ever do this kind of fucking stupid thing again'. "

"I heard those kind of 'tuckerings' were fairly common? You are talking about Malcolm Tucker, the Malcolm the Menace, right?" Greg remarks, only to look into puzzled faces around him. "Fuck. Am I officially a senior citizen now? Just because I remember a figure in politics from a decade ago who managed to scare the shit out of the fucking hacks?" He sighs theatrically. "It wasn't all bad was it? Okay, please show these children your picture to collect your embarassing one point for old people".

"In my defense I was very unhappy in my first marriage and it had been a very stressful day at a party conference in Eastbourne. Also there may have been some drinks involved." Nicola says.

"This is the photo Nicola brought" says Alex pressing a spot on his tablet.

On screen a large photograph appears. It shows Nicola in a close fitting dress draped on the lap of a large man.  His hands on her thighs have obviously pushed the rim of her dress up by quite a bit while making sure to support petite Nicola with his entire body. They seem to be snogging passionately.

There is a murmur in the audience as people begin to recognise the figure. After all the body in question is quite impressive. A giant of a man one might call him.

Greg is still looking at his notes. The other contestants start giggling. He looks up, watches the photo, startles, looks at Nicola who beams at him with her most innocent smile, then buries his face in his hands.

"Greg?" asks Alex. "Give her the five points already" says Greg when he reappars from behind his hands  "This is definitely worth full marks in oral history".

Alex musters his usual inquisitive face.

"You want me to provide some context, Alex?!", asks Greg.

"Yes please".

" Simple as this: I was on tour, I used to hang out at random parties after live shows. I have always been attracted to women who... you know this was before.. I wasn't  in a relationship then.." It wouldn't seem possible but Greg pretends to blush a little. "Let's move on to the first task of the show!"

Jamie and Sam look at each other, shot glasses still raised, penny dropping.

"Give me my mobile back we need a fucking standing line tae Malcolm now".

Chapter Text

"On it" said Sam switching to perfect PA mode within a second. "What's on twitter?"

"People seem tae like cheeky Nic'la. Glad tae see a politician on TV who's only been fuckin' useless and not like that bunch from that fuckin' lying treacherous criminal cunt Pinocchio's cabinet." He looks a little puzzled before adding "A lot of women commenting how Nic'la cannae be blamed given Davies is quote 'sex on legs'. Oh, and a small number of young lasses refer tae Nic'la as a 'MILF' and wax lyrically about her freckles."

"Malcolm is trying to ignore us Jamie. I will not let him get away with it."

"Aye. Where is Nic'la actually?"

"She said she couldn't possibly watch the show with Malcolm so she is spending the night at Katie's"

"How far-sighted."

The first task began on the screen while they only glanced at it. The contestants were asked to create the most impressive cake within twenty minutes. Nicola was bound to fail spectacurlarly.

"Sweaty Swain tweets something about how impressive a self-eating cake would be."

"He's so.."

"...anal?" offered Jamie helpfully.

"...full of himself" said Sam. "He's only a third rate consultant now, isn't he?"

"Imagine tae be so desparate tae consult Swain for anything else than the best chocolate bar" Jamie added scrolling through twitter. "Never been so grateful for an ad break". His phone rang. "Hey Malc, how's it hanging?"

Sam heard the hissing of Malcolm's voice. "How the fuck should I've known Nic'la had a fling with the presenter?" Jamie asked calmly. "I wasnae press officer at that particular point in time as ye may well remember"

There was another stream of abuse on the other end of the line. "She's yer wife, Mal, for fuck's sake why don't ye ask her herself ? If it's so fucking important what happened a decade ago ye cunt"

Sam watched Jamie pulling his phone from his ear to a distance he deemed safe for his hearing while Malcolm yelled at him. "Give me the phone" she said.

"Malcolm, what is the matter? Yes, we are watching the show. Uh huh. Yes. Yes, I can see that Greg Davies might have had a rugby player's physique when he was younger".

She gave the tiniest eyeroll in the direction of Jamie before saying "The show is back on in a moment Malcolm. Why don't we discuss things further in our chat group while watching it? Okay, bye for now."

She finished the call and handed the mobile back to Jamie. "It so happens that Nicola's first husband played rugby and Malcolm always hated his guts. It appears Malcolm reacts this strongly because he suspects he might have spotted a certain pattern".

"Fucking James Murray! Haven't thought about the bastard for years. Never thought Nicola strayed though.That Greg Davies seems to be a decent man, aye?" He scratched the stubble on his chin. "Anyhow let's do a shot. Looks like we have to deal with jealous Malcolm Tucker and that might be the most cringeworthy thing ever."

Chapter Text

GROUP "Just 4 Murrays"

Josh: U GOTTA DO SOMETHING HES SHOUTING AT THE TV AGAIN

Ella: Try hitting him with a can of Fanta?

Josh: Ur joking not leaving my room rn

Ella: Katie? How's Mum keeping up?

Ella: and where tf is Ben?

Josh: at his gf's

Ella: KATIE???!

Katie: Soz just needed time out. Watching Mum on TV is bizarre. Watching her on TV do a cake while she sits next to me is ..

Ella: like watching Brazil? Hard to do sober?

Katie: She didn't even expect to come last!

Katie: *rolling on the floor laughing emoji*

Ella: *mind blown emoji*

Josh: U NEED TO HELP ME DEAL WITH THIS

Josh: HES GETTING MORE SCOTTISH AGGRESSIVE BY THE MINUTE

Josh: He's on the phone now *scared emoji*

Josh: I STG HE'S DECLARING WAR TO CHANNEL 4

...

...

Katie: sigh

Katie: video call in 15 mins.

Katie: Ells get Ben's ass here

Ella: why me *eyeroll emoji*

Katie: Josh needs to watch Malcolm & I need take care of mum

Katie: man up Ells this is not a drill. we've been talking about this scenario before they got married

Katie: we're officially on alert level 2 now

Chapter Text

The coffee table has become a fully blown media center by now. Both Jamie and Sam expertly nagivate their laptops and mobiles simultaneously while the show moves on to the second task.

Jamie is gleefully commenting on Malcolm's youtube channel and Nicola's twitter account. Sam is texting with Nicola while scanning various media accounts on her laptop.

"Still don't understand why Nic'la chose this show. So much outside her comfort zone."

"She says she only did it to spite Malcolm because he had a laughing fit when she got invited".

Unsurprisingly to anyone who knows her, Nicola gets only one point for her cake. The audience roars with laughter as a picture of a heap of burnt pastry covered in icing appears on the screen. It's a dissonance in black and atrocious food colouring that is ludicrously deformed. "What do you think of Nicola's cake?" asks Alex. "It's rubbish" Greg grins. "I've seen more appealing dog biscuits". 

 "More appealing dog turds you mean" Nicola quips which makes Greg laugh and add "This thing by any other name would be as shit".

"I cannae deal with this feeling" remarks Jamie.

"What's that?"

"Feelin' fuckin' proud of her? She might really have a grip on this, but that's nae possible."

"Apparently Alex decides what appears on the life show so nobody really knows what to expect. But Nicola trusted him because quote 'he is a real nice guy and all they want is people looking good while being silly'"

"She's a natural for both though not at the same time."

"She says filming at the taskmaster's house was quite nice. Very small team and everyone being really lovely and keen to make it a pleasant experience."

"Ach I can see that would have helped her relax like the odd bottle of Chardonnay".

"So now Nicola has failed a harmless task - let's hope that helped Malcolm to relax too".

"NOFuPRis"

"Again?"

"Not Our Fucking Problem Really Is it?"

Chapter Text

"Invent a new home workout and teach it to Alex. You have thirty minutes to prepare. Your time starts now."

The montage of the contestants' preparations and results is hilarious. Their workouts include riding pogo sticks and space hoppers, juggling potatoes and small statues, equestrian vaulting on the ubiquitous cow and painting the shed another colour while trampolining. Greg is enjoying them enormously.

Nicola's attempt has been singled out. She is wearing close fitting yoga pants and a cropped top. Her abdominal muscles are well defined. Next to her is Alex in a matching outfit, his belly protruding. He looks quite uncomfortable. Greg roars with laughter.

Nicola bows. "Namaste Alex, welcome to 'Muddy Buddy'. This workout combines the health benefits of partner yoga with the muscle relaxing warmth of fango. "

Nicola steps into a small inflatable pool that is filled with mud up to her calves. She helps Alex to settle in before starting the workout. Of course they slip and get dirty during their first sun salute.

While the Seated Twist or Standing Forward Fold would normally be harmless enough they make Alex and Nicola look like they are mud wrestling. Greg is particularly happy to have Alex replay some close up scenes of Nicola's toned bum causing endless innuendo.

"Jesus Nic'la, Malc's beyond 60, ye cannae do this tae his heart." - "Imagine she had made it jelly wrestling and have him eat some of her body." - "That's it Sam. Turn it off. Let's man the life boats and just not crash the iceberg tonight."

"You know what's funny?" asks Sam while she makes sure to safely shut down all devices.

"How St. Patrick drove all the sock puppets out of Ireland on Home Tasking?" says Jamie.

"God yes. That was one of the best" giggles Sam before adding "No, I wonder why Malcolm freaked out so much at that old photo? That was ancient, back when Malcolm still called her horrible things like Black Widow or Glummy Mummy, way before ousting her as a leader and replacing her with Dan Dan the Cyberman."

"Must be ye olde catholic guilt" says Jamie, looking at her with the bluest of eyes and his most innocent face.

"I didn't think Malcolm was still susceptible to that after commiting most of the deadly sins during his career" Sam says, thinking a moment, before adding "But then I still feel guilty about helping him end Nicola's career and enjoying it so much, and I'm not even catholic".

"Funny thing, conscience and what it will or willnae let ye do lass. I've always suspected that Malc might have had a burning desire tae fuck Nicola back then and wouldnae cause she was married... and overcompensated by treating her particularly shite. She was a terrible minister, aye, and nae leader tae win a general election, but the whole party was already pushing up daisies. Malc had whored himself out tae the fuckin' nutters, and then he let himself fuck up the arse by Dan fucking Miller and..."

"I never had the impression that Malcolm felt particularly guilty about that" said Sam. "But you are losing the thread here darling. What's that got to do with anything?"

"Ach, he lusted for a married woman, and he probably fought it with every fiber of his scrawny body. Ye know how he always struggled with having human needs like food and sleep and this on top must have made his life fucking awfy. Fast forward to the present and finally he is happily fucking that woman (I presume) even if he had tae marry her - pretty catholic I'd say -  and suddenly he finds out that some welsh twat might just have taken advantage of the lass back then all along. And tae add insult to injury the same guy is getting at her on national TV while she is fucking married tae him."

"I guess it makes some sense in a weird male sort of thinking. Plus Greg is famous and very hot".

"Pardon?"

"Not as hot as you darling, obviously."

Chapter Text

ALL 4 MURRAYS EMERGENCY VIDEO MEETING

Ben looks like he is still very much in his jim-jams. He's sitting in the kitchen of his girlfriend's place and has just enabled the video link on his mobile. Ella pops down on the chair next to him.

Ben: "What the fuck KATIE? This freak broke into the fucking flat!"

Ella, smiling beatifically: "Uncle Jamie taught me how to pick locks".

Katie rolls her eyes. "Everyone focus. Mum just mentioned something from the live recording that could easily give to more 'misunderstanding'".
Her use of air quotes is as sarcastic as her voice. "We don't know whether they'll use the footage on TV but I am not taking any risk."

Ben: "What's wrong with y'all? It's just a TV show for fuck's sake".

Katie: "We all agree on this, but Malcolm seems to be at risk of a meltdown. We need to intervene."

Ben: "You're overreacting."

Josh interrupts. "Easy to say from your fucking distance. First he's been shouting for five minutes non stop, and now it's eerily quiet. Maybe he tore his leg of like Rumpelstiltskin."

Ella: "Go and poke him!"

Josh: "Are you mad? I choose life!"

Katie: "We need your help, Ben. You remember how he used to make mum's life miserable. And now they are married he could do it 24/7."

Ben: "We are not going to stage an intervention, are we?"

Katie: "All you need to do is instruct Josh to block the home entertainment right now. You've only installed it at Christmas."

Ben: "And if I don't?"

Katie: "Let's just say some scrapped newspaper article on the subject of young Benjamin M. and his collection of garden gnomes may have come into my possession that might be scanned and put on the internet."

Ben "Fucking blackmail!"

Katie: "I have spend many of my formative years under Malcolm's reign of terror and have continued my studies."

Ben: "Okay Josh, let's do this."

Ella: "What about me?"

Katie: "You need to call Malcolm and distract his attention. Keep him on the phone as long as possible so I can cram Mum into the car and get her home. Oh, and Josh?"

Josh: "What?"

Katie: "Get your backpack ready, I'm taking you with me for the night".

Chapter Text

Greg: "Everyone did pretty well on this task."

Alex: "Not Nicola. She lost the balloon."

Greg: "I was coming on to Nicola."

Nicola: "Please do." The panel and audience are collapsing with laughter.

Greg smirks thoughtfully. "I am over fifty years of age Nicola. You'll have to come closer."

Everyone roars as Nicola walks over and sits on Greg's lap.

The screen goes black. Before Malcolm finishes swearing at the tv, his phone rings.

"Hey Ells, how are you?"

Fortunately the conversation that ensues prevents him from hearing Katie's car arrive and the quick and silent movements of Nicola entering and a bewildered Josh leaving the house.

"Why the fuck did that have to feel like a hostage exchange Kat?" he asks.

"Trust me, you don't want to be there. Not for the fight and even less for the make-up sex" Katie answers. "Oh, could you please send Ella a message that the eagle has landed and she may set Malcolm loose now."

Josh quickly types a message, before looking at Katie for a moment.

"What is it, little one?"

"Just.. did you ever wonder if Mum and Dad would still be together if we had done something like this for them?"

Katie glances at him for a moment before looking at the road again. Her voice softens. "Oh Josh, sometimes I forget you were still so small when Mum and Dad finally separated. You know I love them both but they were really making each other unhappy. Us too. Dad wasn't much there for us then. I think they handled the divorce quite well and that improved things for all of us." She ruffles his hair quickly. "They must have gotten some things right or else you wouldn't have turned out pretty decent".

Chapter Text

Nicola quietly enters the living room while Malcolm is picking up the remains of a salmon bagel from the floor.

"Oh darling, throwing food again? I thought you were over that."

Malcolm mumbles something unintelligible.

"Darling, the kids got a little worried about you having the screaming meemies. Come on, let me get some kitchen paper and dispose of this and then we need to talk."

When Nicola returns from the kitchen, Malcolm paces the room, a bundle of nervous energy and anger and a certain ense of guilt.

"Please sit down Malc. You know this irritates me"

Malcolm doesn't obey.

"Malcolm. Sit. Down. Now." Nicola's stern voice does the trick. "Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Remember this is nothing to do with major news and the state of the country. This is us, remember? This is only two has-beens living their lives, okay?"

"Okay". Malcolm finally stops pacing the room and sits down on the sofa. He rubs his face, looking tired and emotional. Nicola sits down carefully on the coffee table and takes Malcolm's hands. "Listen darling, I don't really comprehend how tonight has upset you this much. Did you really threaten every follower of Task Master on twitter tonight ?"

"Fuckers had it coming" Malcolm says stubbornly.

"Nobody will ever invite me to another show"

"Just make sure you haven't slept with any of them Nic'la and you'll be fine."

"Jesus, Malcolm, you are insane. Let me tell you that nothing happened between Greg Davies and I"

Malcolm scoffs. "Pardon me Nic'la if I don't believe a fuck of that".

"Malc do you actually think I would have taken that picture to a TV show if it had been more than a snog?"

"You're brain has always been a fucking mystery to me woman. I've been deja vuing the entire evening."

"I thought we agreed to let bygones be bygones when we got together."

 "He's been extracting yer fucking tonsils with his tongue" Malcolm shouts.

"That was more than ten years ago. We kissed, and then you blasted in like the Fresh Prince from Hell, attacked Greg and gave me a massive bollocking.  I could never forget that as it was.. weirdly personal. Like you were really disappointed in me."

"Ye've never had good taste in men, and why the hell would you even swap one rugby bugger for another is all".

"Greg is really fucking genuinely nice. YOU should try that for once."

"Yeah, as long as he is trying to get into yer pants"

"No he was even nicer back then when he tried to talk me out of it after you had left."

"Ye tried to carry on afterwards? Jesus Nic'la you were a stupid cow."

"Truth be told I was quite drunk and very angry at you and I did go after Greg."

Malcolm seems to be at a loss for words and fidgets with his hands helplessly.

Nicola smiles at him reassuringly. "He was very sweet about it. We talked. He is a really smart and compassionate man, contrary to his Task Master persona. He said I shouldn't be rushing things when I was unhappy with both my career and my marriage." She smiles at the memory "He said I was a very attractive woman and his type to a t and that he would definitely be regretting this a lot. But he said he'd would also regret sleeping with a married woman and he made me aware I wasn't that kind of person either. Not then, not ever Malcolm."

Malcolm still breathes very slowly. In. Out. In. Out.

"You know what? I believe you" he finally says. "If only because I would've gotten wind about that back then. I was the Master of the dark arts, I knew everything about everybody".

"That is what you take from my story?"

"Aye."

Lopside grin, pleading eyes.

"You're fucking impossible."

"You're right but you still love me."

"Honestly I don't know why".

"Ah I am sorry I made fun of you before the show. I learned ye're a very smart and funny woman not only in life but also on TV and any show will be happy to have you as a guest."

"And?"

"And I need Ben to help me delete my twitter feed."

"You know the internet doesn't forget, right?"

"Yeah, but it's only a has-been being embarassingly jealous of his wife's loveliness being recognised by other people. There's hardly a story in there."

"You better be quick. I'll text Katie we are good and then I want you to turn the phone off and make it up to me." "We have the house to ourselves tonight?" "You have ten minutes to prepare and twelve hours to complete the task, Malcolm. Your time starts now"