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It was a bright sunny day inside the rainforest. The leaves and trees shined a bright shade of green, and the sky reflected a calming blue towards the rest of the world.
The peaceful aura was soon disrupted as loud sounds of a whirring helicopter began to enter the rainforest’s tropical atmosphere.
Leaves flew into the distance and the green grass was soon covered by a black shadow as the helicopter landed and several camo-clad military men began to exit from the vehicle.
4 members of a film crew had gone missing and these badass military guys were here to track them down and bring them home.
On the other side of the field, filthy, grimy, cannibals waited for stared in awe at the foreigners who had just entered their land.
The leader of these men stepped forward and said to the leader of the cannibals “yo wassup mah niggas, we gots to get dem film crew membaz back wit us. Could ya help uz?”
The leader of the cannibals opened his mouth and responded with “salutations my comrade, we unfortunately cannot provide you with the people you are searching for-”
The Cannibal leader pulled out a VHS tape and continued with “perhaps this will help with what you are searching for”
The military leader then said “ayyy, you da realest nigga” before snatching the tape out of the cannibal leader’s hands.
The military leader then handed the cannibal leader a Full House complete series DVD boxset before the military men flew away.
…
Time had passed and now several newsmen were sitting in a viewing room, prepared to watch the tape just to see what had happened to these film crew members and why they had disappeared.
One of the men placed the tape into a VHS player and the tape began to play on a big screen TV for everyone to see.
…
The director of the movie, Tim Curry, showed up on screen wearing a blue tanktop and shorts and said “what’s up my dudes? It’s your boy Tim here with my bros to deliver another spectacularly awesome documentary on cannibals for you folkerinos!”
Tim Curry and his friends (the Toa Inika) then high fived each other before venturing towards the cannibal’s village.
Yells and cries were being heard as Tim and his bionicle frat boy friends began burning down cottages, raping women, and worst of all, loitering.
Soon, piles of dead bodies lay where the film crew stood and Andrew began to speak to the camera once again.
“A moment of silence for these dead guys” said Tim
The crew then bowed their heads in silence at the carnage. Grief was apparent among all of them.
After five seconds, Tim spoke to the camera once again and said “be sure to smash that like button! Smash smash smash smash!”
The film crew then began skipping away happily.
…
The footage continued as more and more atrocities were committed for the sake of making an entertaining documentary and all the while, the 4 newsmen watching were insanely bored out of their minds.
Soon, the film crew had come upon a shrine being worshipped by the cannibals. It had offerings a plenty, but the most perplexing thing about this was the fact that it had a gigantic picture of the famous cereal mascot Toucan Sam.
Tim then noticed that all of the offerings to the cereal mascot were actually bowls of Fruit Loops.
Tim looked at his Bionicle buddies, and they all grinned mischievous grins at each other.
The crew then lunged forward and began trashing the shrine while kicking the absolute shit out of Toucan Sam’s devoted followers. Life was good.
As Tim stomped on a cannibal’s head repeatedly, the cannibal began mumbling something to himself.
Tim Curry quit stomping on his head and said “whaddya got to say bub? Speak up quickly before I start stomping on you with my Supreme Brand sneakers again”
The cannibal spoke loudly and said “oh great Toucan Sam, please teach these heathens a lesson.”
As soon as the cannibal said that, a blue bolt of lightning came from the sky and struck the earth, causing everyone, film crew member and cannibal alike, to go flying back.
Soon, Tim and the other Toa opened their eyes and were astounded by what holy presence they were seeing.
They were standing in the holy presence of Toucan Sam.
The film crew were in awe at first, but their awe turned to sheer anger. This motherhubber was ruining their documentary and they wouldn’t let him get away with this crime, nope no siree.
Tim Curry took a kung fu pose and said “I’ve been trained by Steven Seagal in all forms of martial arts. You ain’t gonna get away with this”
Tim launched a flying knee kick at Toucan Sam, but Toucan Sam just chuckled at this man’s attempts to fight him.
Tim landed his kick and it did absolutely nothing to the blue toucan. He just continued laughing as Tim launched punch after punch into his face, while Sam seemed no worse for wear.
Eventually Tim grew tired and Toucan Sam stopped laughing. The cereal mascot reached into... somewhere and pulled out a green cereal straw.
Toucan Sam then stuck this straw up Tim Curry’s nose and said “just follow your nose, for the fruity taste that shows” before he put his beak on the end of the straw and began slurping.
Tim yelled in anguish as his organs, his skeleton, and eventually his soul were consumed by the deity known as Toucan Sam.
The other Toa were freaked the hell out by Toucan Sam’s gruesome murder of their friend, but then they eventually got over it after, like, a second.
They are not close friends.
The Toa Inika then immediately began to bum rush Toucan Sam and hack away at his hide using their mask powers and Toa weapons.
Toucan Sam laughed at their attempts as well before he channeled the power of all of the Fruit Loops in the universe and punched reality itself.
The Fruit Loops reality punch then caused the Toa to stop existing as they simultaneously died in the past, present, and future, all at once.
Toucan Sam smiled at his victory before looking at the camera, holding up a box of Fruit Loops, and saying “brought to you by Kellogs”
The rest of the tape then consisted of the Toucan Sam and the cannibals doing the Peacemaker dance for 20 minutes.
…
The TV then shut off as the VHS ejected from the VHS player.
The room was completely silent as the 4 newsmen stared at the TV, completely speechless at what they had just watched.
It seemed like time had stood completely still before one of the Newsmen stood up in his seat and began to applaud.
Soon, the other three began to join him as they clapped for what they had just seen. “We have got to get this footage on TV!” said the 3rd newsman.
“I completely agree” said the 2nd newsman.
The next day, the footage was aired on TV and it lead to the entirety of America being converted into followers of Toucan Sam.
The world is a complete breakfast and we’re all apart of it.