Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Vince woke up to his daughters yelling from the next room. He couldn’t tell if they were fighting or just being loud so he waited where it was warm until it was a little more clear. Howard was still next to him which meant they were either not fighting or Howard wasn’t sure either.

“Your kids are loud.” he shifted back so Howard could wrap his arms tighter around Vince’s middle. He felt Howard laugh softly.

“Those ones are yours. Mine is mild mannered and calm.” Howard kissed the back of Vince’s neck and lifted his head to rest his chin on Vince’s arm. “S'long as they aren’t fighting I don’t really mind.” 

“Are they not?” Vince shifted onto his back. “Can’t really tell.” Howard sat up and climbed out of bed. “While you’re up, can you get me a coffee? I didn’t get back in until late.” Vince laid back against the pillows and stretched.

“I always get you a coffee.” Howard’s answer was noncommittal, but Vince knew he would soon have coffee exactly how he liked it. Vince picked up his phone to read the texts Pamela, his manager, had most likely sent since he had gone to sleep. 

Great show! Sold lots of merch at the door.

There’s an open night tonight if you wanted to try out some new material.

From the comfort of his own bed he could perceive an instance where he would want to do another show, Howard might even be able to make it to this one. Vince’s thought process was hampered by Howard delivering him his coffee.

“Cheers.” Vince took a sip and waited for Howard to settle in next to him again. “What’s in the Howard Moon Diary today?” He looked over at Howard and watched him take a long gulp of his tea. If Howard wasn’t too busy he could potentially do the show. 

“Take the twins to school as usual, and then probably do the weekly shop with Tom. Come home, make dinner, wait for you to come back with the girls…” Howard rubbed his eyes, “Do it all again tomorrow.” Vince leaned down and kissed Howard’s cheek while he thought. “Billie has a test tomorrow so I’ll probably help her study. Flo starts orchestra next weekend and she asked for some help with her trumpet too so one more thing to do.” That was a lot of things that needed Howard. Vince sighed softly, deciding to actually take his day off.

“It’s a noble cause. I was asked to do another show tonight, but I don’t think I’m gonna do it. I kinda want to lay around all day.” Vince watched Howard drink his tea quietly, not seeming to have an opinion. Howard opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off by two shrieks coming from the next room. “They are fighting now.” Vince moved to sit up but Howard beat him to the punch.

“Alright, I’ll be right back.” Howard hoisted himself up and out of bed to tend to the girls in the other room. Vince heard the girls laugh and one of them say something about a hairbrush as they explained to Howard what had happened. He rolled his eyes, they really were his children. 

Vince considered getting up. He didn’t have anywhere to be but someone needed to make breakfast while Howard played referee. Just as he had made up his mind to get up he saw a teddy bear land on Howard’s side of the bed and two small hands attempt to pull himself up.

“Good morning, Tommy boy.” Vince leaned down and pulled him up to sit in Howard’s place. Tom didn’t answer. He just sat quietly with his thumb tucked into his mouth. Vince picked up his, now lukewarm, coffee and passed it to the almost four year old next to him. Tom happily took the mug and tipped it back to drink the slightly warm sweet coffee.

Tom had been Howard’s turn to father a child. They were happy with the twins but Howard had wanted a chance to pass on the “Strong Northern Moon genes”. When Thomas Noir was born he had been the smallest out of the three, which was saying something since the twins were big but only by twin standards. By the time he was two he had been diagnosed with asthma and so every spring and fall was usually the time for Tom to stay indoors if he could help it, and try not to get winded.

Vince had taken to giving Tom coffee when Howard wasn’t looking. The doctor had said caffeine was good for blood flow, so Vince would give it to him to open his lungs up faster. Tom sighed and passed the empty mug back to Vince. 

“How do you feel?” Vince wiped the coffee off his face with the back of his hand. Tom looked up at Vince and shrugged. He looked so much like Howard. The little brown eyes and unruly hair framing his face made Vince do a double take at least once a day. “It should be nice out today. Would you like to play in the garden?” Tom nodded and rubbed his face the same way he had just seen Howard do before leaving the room. “What were your sisters arguing about, could you hear them?” Tom climbed into Vince’s lap and laid his head on his chest.

“Flo took Billie’s brush.” Vince separated some of his curls and rubbed his back softly. “I feel funny.” Vince kissed his head.

“That’s no good. I’m the funny one around here.” Vince took a deep breath. “Bad funny, or just different funny?” Vince asked softly. Vince had always been better at helping Tom talk about his breathing than Howard. Tom just shrugged and picked at the hem on Vince’s sleeve. “Well I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s bad.” Vince sat up but didn’t make Tom get up. He just carried him into the kitchen along with his empty mug.

“Morning, Daddy!” Billie was already dressed with her backpack sitting near the side door while Howard tried to get her to sit down. Vince kissed the top of her head and set his mug down.

“Where’s Flo?” He put Tom down on a chair so he could pour himself another cup of coffee. Howard placed two plates on the table and shrugged.

“She was getting ready for school, last I saw her.” Howard filled another two plates with food. “Go see what her hold up is, will you? We’re running a touch late.” Vince snagged a piece of toast before making his way back down the hall.

When he got to the girl’s room he noticed Flo laying flat on her stomach looking under her bed. Vince hovered in her doorway for a minute. He already knew what she was doing, she only had on one shoe, and was halfway under her own bed quietly swearing to herself. It wasn’t rocket science.

“Those are pretty grown up words for such a small person.” He heard her start to get up. “Looking for your shoe?” He got down on the other side of her bed and tucked his head under to help her look. She frowned at him.

“Billie hid it. I’m sure of it.” She looked so serious. “I knew where my shoes were and then she got mad because I touched her hairbrush so she hid my shoe.” Vince nodded. They had arguments that could rival world wars so he wasn’t surprised at the notion. “I’ll bet she’s wearing mine.” 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. Just wear different shoes today. You don’t have to wear your ballet flats.” He suggested. Under her bed was mostly clean but the dust was making his nose tickle. “Both of your mary janes are by the door. They’ll match just as well, plus it might make you taller than Billie.” He watched her eyes light up as she started trying to wiggle out from under the bed. Getting out from under the bed was proving more difficult than it needed to be for Vince’s middle aged body, but he managed it eventually. He watched Flo pull her shoe off and run down the hall towards the kitchen. Vince rolled his eyes and picked up his piece of toast again. His children were as crazy as he was.

By the time he made it back to the kitchen everyone was eating and talking about what they had to get done before the end of the day. Howard was just nodding and responding to everyone as they spoke, trying to hear all of them individually without losing his mind.

Vince moved to the girl’s backpacks and made sure all their homework and school books were inside. He noticed Flo and Billie seemed to be best friends once again while they talked about how they wanted to cut their hair for the summer.

“Daddy, do you think we could? I reckon my hair would look pretty if it was as long as yours.” Billie smiled and held her hair up. It was getting long. The girls were mostly identical, somehow favoring him without looking masculine, but their hair textures were different. Billie had waves that flipped out in all directions, but Flo had long straight hair like Vince’s.

“We’ll see. Maybe I can cut it this weekend and then you can hate it before summer actually starts, yeah? I’ll talk to Papa and we’ll let you know.” He tucked her hair behind her ear and told her to finish her breakfast.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Flo asked softly. Vince used to skip meals all the time, but every time he tried to enforce healthy eating habits on his children they always turned it back on him. He sat down in his chair and watched everyone else for a minute.

“The bancakes are yummy. Papa made bancakes.” Tom pointed to the plate that had two left. Vince tried to hide his smile as he pulled the plate towards himself. His sweet tooth had died down a bit but not nearly as much as it should have. Howard took a sip of his tea and checked his watch.

“Bugger, alright. Let’s go. We’re out of time.” He stood quickly and grabbed the sparkly backpacks off the floor. He helped each girl put hers on and opened the door.

“Oi!” Vince crossed his arms with a frown. “I don’t care how late you are. I need a line, starting here.” The girls ran across the room and gave him a kiss. “Have a good day at school. Come home smarter than me.” He kissed their cheeks and looked at Howard, who was still stood by the door. “And you.” Howard rolled his eyes and came back to where Vince was sitting. 

“I’m going to see you in about twenty minutes, you know that?” He leaned down and gave Vince a quick kiss.

“Great, when you get back you can give me a proper good morning kiss, because that was rubbish.” He patted Howard’s cheek and stood. “Better get going, or they’ll start gaggin in a minute.” He gestured to the girls who had scrunched up their faces at the basic display of affection. Howard rolled his eyes again and moved back to the door.

“Alright, One and Two, out the door.” He put a hand on top of both of their heads and steered them towards the porch. “Be back in a bit.” Howard called over his shoulder as he closed the door.

Vince looked down at Tom and smiled. “Do you want to play in the garden before it gets too hot out?” Vince asked softly. Tom grinned up at him and raced to his bedroom to look for his shoes. He was still in his pajamas but Vince was going to give him a bath later anyway, no need dirtying more clothes.

Vince double checked the temperature before opening the door. It shouldn’t have been that hot. He also kept a very close eye on Tom as he ran around the garden. He looked fine, but Vince noticed he seemed to be getting winded pretty quickly. Eventually Tom laid down on the grass and looked up at the sky. Vince had seen him do this before, but something felt different this time.

“Tom? Alright?” Vince stepped over to the toddler and looked down at him. He looked upset and he was taking short shallow breaths. “Shit, alright.” He picked him up and brought him inside as fast as he could, hoping to avoid a full scale attack. “Breathe for me, yeah?” He set Tom on the kitchen counter and took a few dramatic deep breaths to help pace the poor kid in front of him. “Don’t panic.” Vince kept breathing as loud as he could while trying to get the pieces of the nebulizer together. He got the machine on, and pumping as fast as he could while breathing with Tom, who was honestly trying. Vince put the little plastic mouthpiece in Tom’s mouth and kept breathing with him. “You’re alright.” 

After Tom seemed to be relatively stable, Vince moved him to the couch and pulled his sleep top off of him. The flush in his cheeks had spread, making Vince nervous he was hot. He turned the nebulizer back on and pulled him into his lap so they could feel one another breathing.

Eventually the mouthpiece fell from the boy’s mouth and a loud snore ripped from his chest, making Vince laugh quietly to himself. Noisy breathing, in this context, meant Tom was out like a light meaning that Vince could finally stop internally panicking. By the time he had finally relaxed he heard Howard come back from dropping the girls off at school.

“Everything okay?” Howard frowned at the nebulizer and his son sleeping so early in the day. Vince nodded.

“Come get him. He’ll be comfier in his own bed.” Vince waved Howard over and yawned softly. Howard pulled Tom off Vince’s lap and carried him back into his room without a second thought, leaving Vince to clean up and try to figure out what triggered the poor kid. Vince cleaned the nebulizer and tossed the pieces in the drainboard to dry just as Howard came out of the hall.

“Must’ve been pollen count or something. Maybe the neighbor mowed her lawn and we didn’t hear it?” Vince leaned against the counter and sighed. He crossed his arms and kept trying to figure out what happened.

“Well, he’s okay now, so stop stressing it. Could’ve been anything.” Howard stood next to Vince and put a hand on his shoulder. Even after knowing each other their whole lives and being in a long term relationship for just under half of that, Howard still didn’t know how to show his affection towards Vince all the time.

Vince turned and pulled Howard’s arms to rest over his shoulders as he wrapped his own around Howard’s increasingly soft middle. Vince closed his eyes and took a deep breath to relax into his partner’s chest.

“I don’t know, Howard. I thought he was gettin better.” If Vince was honest with himself he would admit just how frustrating it was that their son was sick all the time but that felt too much like blaming Tom for something he couldn’t control so instead he just bottled it up.

“He is getting better. One bad day doesn’t change that.” Howard sighed, “Besides that he’s only four. He can’t pace himself. He probably just ran too much or something. He’ll figure it out eventually. I figured out my limits when I was about five.” Vince always forgot that Tom took after Howard in more ways than just his appearance. “It’s like Billie and her dyslexia. Yeah, it’s not easy to deal with, but she’s figuring out what works for her.”

“Yeah, but her dyslexia ain’t gonna kill her if she reads a word wrong.” Vince hated that he passed that, of all things, down to her. “I’m probably just rattled. I’m gonna go lay down for a bit. You can join me if you want.” Vince watched Howard look at the breakfast mess and then back at Vince. “You can clean up first if that’s what you want to do. I’m just going to be making sure Pamela hasn’t tried to call me.” Howard nodded and started collecting the plates off the table. It didn’t escape him that Vince had eaten exactly two bites before giving up.

Vince woke up a few hours later to little hands grabbing the front of his shirt and a little head digging into his collar bone. He groaned quietly and wrapped his arms around Tom.

“Alright?” Vince grumbled and creaked his eyes open, still more than half asleep. Tom sighed and closed his eyes again. “You can go back to sleep.” Vince said softly. He rubbed his hand up and down Tom’s back and picked up his phone.

do you need anything from the shop x

Vince assumed he missed his chance to respond to Howard, since the text was from an hour ago. He swiped over to Pamela’s conversation with him.

Finalized dates for your farewell tour is attached. Let me know by next week if any dates do not work.

Vince didn't have the energy to do admin work so he just set his phone down. Tom had gone back to sleep, making him instantly want to join him. He shifted into his back and closed his eyes. He had slept probably too much already that day but the warm body next to him did wonders in lulling him back to sleep. He didn’t wake up again until Howard was home with the girls in tow.

He left Tom on the bed this time as he made his way back into the living room. The girls were talking about their day to Howard and he was nodding along, as if a 7 year old’s drama was exactly what he wanted to hear about.

“So then Suzanna got on the swings and tried to go higher, but Billie was still winning!” Flo turned to dig in her backpack while Billie picked up the story.

“Suzanna even cheated because she had Mildred pushing her! Then I jumped off the swing to prove I was the King of the Swingset and scraped my knee… which is how I tore my tights.” She was so excited at the beginning of her sentence, but by the time she finished she seemed to realize what they had been talking about in the first place.

“I would be upset because this is your fourth pair of tights murdered in a week but since you beat Suzanna, I can’t really be upset.” Howard sat in his chair and smiled at Vince. “Hey, Naboo is coming for dinner. He sent me a vision while I was shopping earlier.” Vince frowned.

“Can’t he just text?” Vince laughed and sat on the couch. “What for, anyway?” Vince finally felt awake now that his three cups of coffee and two naps were kicking in.

“You being home, he said. He also has… news? I’m not sure what exactly he said but he said he has something.” Howard crossed one leg over the other in an attempt to be more comfortable in his chair. The girls started giggling off to their room while Vince tried to figure out what the news could be.

“Oi!” He called before they could get too far. “Take your bags with you. I’m not doing your homework.” The girls rolled their eyes and grabbed their backpacks. Vince was wrong, however. While Howard tried to help Flo play her trumpet in the kitchen, Vince and Billie were sitting on her bed trying to go over her history study guide. They were learning about the expansion of Rome and Rome in general.

“How will I remember their names?” Billie looked angry. “Flo can remember all of them just fine! But all of their names look like gibberish.” Vince agreed. They all had dumb looking spellings and too many letters to be real names.

“Alright, listen.” Vince sighed and closed the guide. “All you have to do is remember this tomorrow. Then you don’t have to think about it anymore. The only Ancient Rome guy I remember is Hadrian and that’s because he fought the ocean and thought he won.” Billie giggled and opened the book again.

“That wasn’t Hadrian. Hadrian had the wall. You’re thinking of Caligula.” She pointed at the paragraph about him. Vince frowned at her.

“Oh, okay. You remember that just to prove me wrong? Okay, who was Caesar then?” He knew she worked like him mentally, and being smart just to be right was always at the top of their lists.

“He was an emperor and he had something to do with Cleopatra.” She rolled her eyes. “But I dunno what. She definitely told us, but I can’t remember.” Vince laughed and opened the book to make sure he was right before talking.

“They had a baby together.” He closed the book again. “What about Pliny the Elder? Did you learn about him?” Billie shook her head. “Ah, he was fucking amazing.” He made a face at his own profanity, “Anyway. He thought all kinds of crazy things and he made it everyone else’s problem.” They laughed together, “How great is that?” Billie pulled the book from his hands and flipped it open to a random page.

“What do you know about Nero?” She put the book down and started reading it before he could answer her.

“I dunno. Rome burned down, I think and he was a real dick about it.” He read over her shoulder and found he was mostly right. “Did they keep in the part about using Christians as candles?” He couldn’t find anything about it in the paragraph about him.

“What?” She sounded shocked.

“Oh, yeah, he was well dastardly. Killin people just for fun.” Vince shook his head. She looked surprised but she moved on.

“I just don’t think I’m gonna do very well on this test.” She made a face at the guide that Vince recognized.

“Don’t be anxious. Like I said, you only have to know this stuff for like an hour tomorrow, and then you’re free. Flo can help you before the test and then when you get an A on it you can brag all night about doing well.” He closed the book and got in her eye line so she had to look at him. “What? What’s bothering you? It can’t be the material, you showed me up like three times just now.” She looked at him with a frown.

“What if I can’t read it?” She said in a small voice. Vince sighed and pulled her into a hug. It was a slight relief that their kids liked to be held since Howard didn’t.

“You’ll be fine.” He sighed, “I used to hate takin tests. But there are lots of things you can try to read easier.” She pulled away and frowned. “If you take your fingers and cover the other words then they don’t float around as bad. They have nowhere to go.” He reopened her study guide and put his hand over the majority of a paragraph leaving only the top sentence uncovered. “Try that.” He glanced at her as she finally looked down at the paper. “It’s okay if it doesn’t work now. Just don’t panic during the test. You’ll be okay.” She looked like she was going to say something else but the terrible racket from the kitchen finally stopped. “Might be easier without all that noise too.” He kissed the top of her head and got up to check on dinner.

“Oh, good timing. Dinner is ready.” Howard was putting his trumpet away while Flo looked frustrated.

“Trumpet is the worst.” Flo scratched her arm and frowned. “It’s hard and loud and now I’m all scratchy.” She sat down and crossed her arms. “I hate trumpets.” Vince raised his eyebrows.

“Can I see where you’re scratchy please?” He held out a hand for her to show where on her arm. He recognized those particular hives. “Was Papa playing jazz?” she nodded and they both looked over at Howard as he be-bopped to himself quietly. “Congratulations, we share an allergy.” Vince laughed and pulled her to the bathroom to get some lotion for her Jazz-Hives.

After sending her on her way he peeked his head into the girl’s room to send Billie to the dinner table as well. He found Tom playing in his room quietly, as he was prone to do.

“Dinner time. Naboo will be here soon too.” Vince held out his hand for Tom to take as they walked into the kitchen and took their seats at the table.

“Naboo is coming?” Tom asked with a smile. Howard nodded and put a cup of juice down in front of him. Vince was excited to see Naboo. There was no telling what he was going to tell them, and it had been so long since they saw him. Howard put the kids plates out and sat down in front of his own just as a cloud of mist erupted in the middle of the room. As ageless as ever, there stood Naboo with a baby carrier.

“Alright, Naboo?” Vince smiled and raised his eyebrows. “If that’s for us, thanks but our littlest is a bit too big for that.” Naboo rolled his eyes and put the carrier down.

“The carrier is for you, but that’s not what the news is.” Naboo leaned down and pulled a baby, just past the newborn age, out of the carrier. “This is your new baby.” Naboo handed Vince the infant and sat down at the other end of the table.

“What?” Howard asked, his eyes were wider than Vince had ever seen them. “Vince did you-” Vince cut him off immediately.

“No! Did you?” Howard shook his head. “Naboo, I know you don’t exactly understand how babies are made but this isn’t ours. Who’s is this?” Vince was worried there was a parent somewhere in the world missing a littlin and losing their mind.

“It’s yours. Well, yours and Howards. I was clearing out one of the closets back at the flat and I found your old toothbrushes and I figured a baby made of both of you would make you happy.” Naboo smiled and nodded at his own words, not realizing the weight of what he did.

“You…” Vince resituated the baby against his chest and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. “You created life from me and Howard without asking us first?” He was both horrified and honored.

“Naboo, you really should’ve talked to us first. What if we didn’t want another?” Howard looked at the baby Vince held against himself.

“Is it a girl?” Billie asked softly, not looking away from the baby. Flo looked at Naboo and then followed her sister’s gaze.

“We’re keeping her, right?” Flo looked at Vince, his own big blue eyes looking at him, making it very hard to respond.

“It is a girl.” Naboo nodded and slid Howard’s plate towards himself. Vince looked at Howard and rested his hand against her back. They seemed to have a silent conversation, coming to the same conclusion: What’s one more?

“Mozel Tov, I guess.” Vince put a hand at the back of her neck to support her head as he pulled her back to look at her. She didn’t look much like either of them yet, no infant really did. Howard moved around the table to see her properly.

“You always forget how small they are.” Howard reached forward and took one of her hands. “Name?” Howard looked at Vince. It was his turn, but usually he had more time to think of something. Billie was Howard’s choice after Billie Holiday, Vince always said Flo was after Florence from Florence and the Machine, but really she was after Howard’s grandmother Florence who had helped raise Vince, and Tom was after Howard and Howard’s father. A new baby meant a new name, and it was Vince’s choice.

“You pick. She’ll be Noir like the others so that’s enough.” Vince looked up at Howard and then at the three kids staring with wide eyes.

“What do you all think she should be called?” Howard made the choice to ask them.

“Cleopatra.” Billie said with a smile.

“Yeah, we have Bill, Tom, Flo, and Cleopatra.” Vince laughed. “Something a little less Egyptian princess.” Billie rolled her eyes and looked back at the potatoes on her plate.

“What about Nora?” Flo asked with a smile. “There was a nice lady at the library named Nora.”

“Nora Noir is a bit of a nightmare.” Howard looked at Naboo and raised his eyebrows. “What about you? What name did she come with?” Naboo looked up from a glass of wine he had poured himself. He shrugged.

“Dunno. Call her Pearl or something.” Naboo seemed to not care much anymore now that the baby wasn’t in his hands anymore.

“Pearl?” Vince gently pinched the baby’s cheek and smiled at her. “I don’t hate Pearl.” Howard shook his head and agreed. “Great. Everyone, say hello to Pearl.” He turned her around so the others could see her better.

“Is that where babies come from?” Flo asked, her eyes getting shockingly wide. 

“Yes. You all came from Naboo’s magic.” Vince told her before she could ask anymore questions, “Eat your dinner.” 

Chapter Text

Late summer was always the hardest time of the year. Not only were the kids getting back into a routine sleep schedule for school, but it was also the rainy season which meant thunderstorms. Howard and Vince had very different methods to diffuse the tension of a stormy evening and they were both in full No-Anxiety-Mode.

Vince was racing against the clock. Howard would be home with the kids soon. But the storm was already settling in and all Vince could think about was the smell of the biscuits Howard left in the oven. Vince set up Mario Kart for later and went back down the hall to collect comfort items. He had already taken all their pillows and blankets but they didn’t hold a candle to the stuffed animals Flo, Billie, and Tom had latched onto. He grabbed the blue and yellow rabbits from the girl’s room and then Tom’s beloved teddy bear and brought them back to the fort he had turned the couches into.

“Okay, baby?” Vince looked down at Pearl as she rolled around on her mat. She looked up and grinned at him before squealing. Vince rolled his eyes and stepped over her to get to the window.

He peeked out and frowned at the cloudfront. Any hope of getting to have a relatively empty bed was very quickly evaporating with every new gust of wind. He was only just pulling the curtains closed when he saw Howard and their three kids coming up the walkway. He scooped up Pearl so she didn’t get stepped on as the door opened.

“We’re home!” Howard closed the door behind the short line that followed him. Vince stepped into the kitchen and sat down at the table to greet everyone.

“How was school?” He asked. Billie ignored him almost entirely to greet Pearl.

“I learned the vobals.” Tom slid into a chair and smiled at Vince. Vince looked at Howard for clarification, but Howard just shrugged.

“What are vobals?” Vince asked, “You must be smarter than me already.” Tom stood on his chair and grabbed a banana out of the fruit bowl.

“A, B, I, O, U.” He looked proud of himself even as he struggled with the banana peel. “Sometimes Y. Can you open this?” He finally gave up and handed Howard the banana.

“Vowels.” Vince nodded, “I did know about those.” Vince grabbed another banana out of the bowl and cracked it open for Pearl to gnaw on. “What about the rest of you? Anything interesting?” 

“Did you make biscuits!” Flo looked over all the countertops. “Where are they?” She spun around and narrowed her eyes at Vince. Howard just rolled his eyes and steered the girls back out of the kitchen.

“The biscuits are for after dinner. Homework first.” the girls started groaning before he even finished his sentence. Howard made his way back to the oven to recover the biscuits before they burned. Vince laughed and shook his head at the girls as they made their sad retreat. He silently wished they didn’t have to do their homework because then they could all just play Mario and not worry about anything but that “wasn’t responsible” no matter how many times Vince suggested it. Howard sat down next to Vince and covered the back of Pearl’s head with his hand.

“How's the set up looking?” He asked. Vince shrugged.

“All the bedding is in the living room, and I’ve set up Mario. Did you get the stuff for the smoothies?” Howard held up a canvas bag and nodded. “Great. So, make sure they get their homework done, then give them dinner before the storm starts. Once it does we both know nothing is getting done besides video games and snacks.” Howard nodded and took Pearl from Vince so he could get started. Vince stood up and grabbed his apron off the wall. He didn’t know how to cook very much but the thing he knew best was the thing that soothed his kiddos the most- vegetarian shepherd's pie. Howard had tried to make it but he always made it wrong, according to the girls. Even when they didn’t say who made it, they could tell somehow.

“Help your Dad cook dinner.” Howard nudged Tom and took his banana peel from him. “You need the practice.” Tom loved helping cook, but he hadn’t been able to because of having homework. Tom grinned and got out of his chair. Howard stayed at the table with Pearl while Tom cut the mushrooms with his plastic knife.

“Alright?” Vince asked softly as he started mashing the potatoes. Tom nodded from his step stool next to Vince. “Tell me if you need help, that is a lot of mushrooms.”

“I got it.” Tom cut another mushroom in half and looked up at Vince.

“Flo and Billie have discovered boys, unfortunately.” Howard put Pearl in her high chair so she could make a mess with her banana. Vince turned and grimaced.

“But they’re only 8.” He shook his head. “Boys should be the least of our problems until at least 12.” Howard nodded in agreement.

“I know.” He stole a bit off the end of Pearl’s banana.

“Neither of them are into girls? Not to push anything but maybe it’s just peer pressure.” Vince knew homosexuality wasn’t a genetic thing but there had to be something said for the fact that both of the twins biological parents were gay.

“I hope so. I don’t want to be the chaperone to awkward 7 year old dates. That sounds like a special kind of hell.” Howard resisted the urge to wipe Pearl’s hands off. Vince laughed.

“We would know about special hells.” Vince almost couldn’t believe he was the same person that went to Monkey Hell and back just to get Howard all those years ago. He must’ve been blind to not notice how much he loved Howard back then.

“I almost don’t believe that happened. If I didn’t have the scar from the chains I would’ve just assumed we were-” Howard cleared his throat and glanced at Tom, “Under the influence.” He and Vince did used to get into all kinds of psychedelics while working at the zoo but that was an all too real experience. Vince laughed again.

“God, I would love to be under the influence again.” He turned to look at Howard with raised eyebrows. “Reckon we could ship all these little monsters off and have a day to ourselves? Bet your mum would love to meet Pearl.” Vince winked before turning back to the stove. He didn’t have to keep looking to know Howard was blushing a deep red. He always did when Vince flirted with him. Before Howard could respond the house shook with a crack of thunder.

“Here we go.” Howard sat up straight, ready to greet the two girls thundering down the hall towards him. They both grabbed on to either side of Howard’s cardigan and looked around as if they were angry at some unseen monster.

“Did you hear that?” Billie asked. “It sounded like an explosion.”

“My window rattled.” Flo added. “I think I need one of those biscuits now.” She slid into a chair and covered her ears. Howard stood and slid two off the baking pan to give to each girl. Billie sat down on the same chair as Flo and frowned.

“Why does it have to boom like that?” She asked. “It’s like it’s angry or something.” Flo nodded and broke a piece off her biscuit.

“Why is the sky angry?” Flo asked. Howard sat down across from them and sighed. He had explained storms and weather cycles countless times to them, but they were always more concerned with how the sky felt than how the sky worked .

“I’ve told you, it’s not angry, it’s just…” Howard sighed again, “The sky is angry because it lost a bet with the Earth. Don’t worry about it, the sky isn’t angry with you.” Vince glanced over and tried to gauge how much the girls believed him.

“What was the bet? Maybe we can help.” Flo said. “We can do all kinds of stuff.” Howard laughed and shook his head slowly.

“You’re both very talented, but this was an ancient bet. The Earth bet the Sky he could have people and civilizations and the Sky bet he could too. Of course they both succeeded but the Sky People ended up flying away to live on Mars, so when the time came to show what they had created the Sky had nothing and the Earth had Humans. So the Sky is just throwing a tantrum because his people flew away.” Howard watched them relax a bit. “It’s only loud because the Sky wants another chance but the Earth doesn’t want a redo.” 

“Papa knows that because he’s so old he was there.” Vince called from the kitchen. Dinner was just about ready. He just had to bake it. He set the timer for fifteen minutes and helped Tom wash his hands before going to the table with their own biscuits. “Did you get your homework done by any chance?” He asked. Flo shook her head but Billie nodded happily. “Alright, what’s left?” He wasn’t sure it was all going to get done today but he was definitely going to try.

“Spelling. I need someone to read out the words so I can spell them back to you.” She frowned. “I’m not very good at spelling. They always said to sound it out but none of the words are spelled like they sound.” Vince agreed.

“That’s alright. We can do that later.” Once dinner was ready they got the kids settled with their dinner in the living room. Howard made sure to give Pearl her bottle and put her to sleep while the others ate and watched their movie. Howard hoped Pearl wasn’t afraid of storms. When the twins were babies and it would storm, absolutely no one was getting any sleep. To have to go through that again made him feel the urge to weep.

He put Pearl in her bassinet and made his way back out to the living room just in time to see Vince put on the reading glasses that he thought no one knew about.

“Flo, butterfly.” He read off a paper. Flo and Billie were playing Mario Kart but Flo spoke up.

“B-U-T-T-E-R-F-L-Y.” She said rather quickly. “The spelling words this week are easy. Fuck you, Billie.” 

“Oi, I don’t care how blue the shell was. Language.” He looked back down at his paper. “Billie, checked.” He glanced up at the screen and waited.

“C-H-E-C-K-E-D?” She didn’t sound too sure of herself. Howard shook his head and got comfortable in his, thankfully, un-forted chair and watched them race.

“Yeah, you got it.” Vince shifted so his back was against Howard’s shins and moved on down the list, going from girl to girl while they continued racing. “Alright, last ones. Billie- monarch, and Flo- migrate.” They both thought for a moment before the lights flickered.

“Uh,” Billie looked back at Vince with wide eyes. She opened her mouth to speak again when the power fully dropped out. “UH.” Vince sighed and dropped his head against Howard’s knee. Of course this couldn’t be easy. Vince stood up carefully and grabbed around for his phone. He turned on the flashlight and pointed it at the girls. They were clinging to one another, and Flo had one hand on Tom’s shoulder.

“I can’t draw now.” He looked more mad than the other two.

“Tommy, we’re lucky to be alive .” Flo said, dramatics were a genetic thing apparently.

“We aren’t going to die. The power just went down for a little while. Let’s pack it in anyway.” Vince crept down the hall slowly to check on Pearl before they started packing up their blankets and pillows. Vince moved the bassinet into the girl’s room, knowing they weren’t going to sleep in there tonight. He turned back around just in time to hear three lumps of blankets waddle their way to his room. The hall was nearly completely dark if it wasn’t for his phone light. He stepped out of the room and directly bumped into Howard.

“Watch out.” He said softly. Vince didn’t back away, he laid his head on Howard’s chest and took a deep breath. “Am I a bad person for not wanting a full bed tonight.” Howard sighed, his voice barely above a whisper. Vince shook his head.

“I would love an empty bed tonight.” He took a deep breath, “Maybe we could give the kids to your mum for a night. We don’t even have to do drugs, just sleeping and not taking people to school, or doing the weekly shop, or having to cook, or making sure they’re clean. I love them but they make me tired.” Vince yawned as if to make a point. Howard laughed and started shuffling them towards their room.

“I’ll call her tomorrow and see if she can do that for us.” He kissed the top of Vince’s head and turned him so he was passing through the doorway.

“Alright, shove over. Dad needs a spot.” Vince moved to climb into the bed. It was a tighter fit than it really should have been on their king sized bed with three kids and his moose of a partner but they made it work.

Chapter Text

Vince woke up to too many elbows digging into his sides. He opened his eyes and found he was in the center of his bed with a twin on either side of him and no Howard in sight. He stretched and tried to move without waking them. They had been up most of the night coughing and crying because they couldn’t breathe until he and Howard had managed to get them to relax, so he wasn’t too eager for them to wake up again. He managed to slip out of bed and into the kitchen with minimal jostling. 

“Good morning.” Vince sighed and rubbed his face. “I’m so fucking tired.” He dropped into a chair and put his face on the table. Howard slid his own cup of coffee over to Vince with a small laugh.

“If they’re that torn up, how are you?” He stood to grab a plate off the counter to give to Vince. He hadn’t even really considered how he felt, he had been too caught up in their plight to notice his own itchy throat and runny nose. He groaned and looked up at Howard. “Bad then.” He set the plate down and sat next to him. “I made the executive decision to let them stay home from school today. I need to take Pearl to her doctor’s appointment in a little while so I’ll get them some medicine on my way in.” He reached up and pressed a hand against Vince’s forehead. “I’ll get you some too.” 

“Cheers.” The longer Vince sat there the worse he felt. He pushed the eggs around his plate for a few minutes, staring at it while trying to make himself eat. Eventually he dropped the fork and looked back at Howard. “Sorry, I’m sure it's delicious but I couldn’t eat right now.” 

“I thought as much. I’ll get some soup too.” Howard grabbed Vince’s hand and pulled him into the living room. After pushing him down on the couch Howard dropped the blanket over him. “Try to get some actual rest.” Vince curled up under the blanket, giving a half hearted salute to Howard.

“I’ll do what I can.” Vince sighed. Howard leaned down and kissed his forehead. “No real kiss?” He pouted. Howard laughed.

“Absolutely not. You’re all snotty.” Howard stood up straight. “Somehow you get to suffer from the pollen and I get to be fine, I’m not going to risk that by getting covered in your ooze.” Vince sulked for a minute, but dropped the act when he realized he really wasn’t getting a real kiss.

“So Tom was alright this morning too then?” Vince sighed, “That’s good. When the girls came down with their hay fever I was worried Tom would blow up like a balloon.” 

“To be fair you and the girls went to that garden yesterday and smelled nearly every flower. You did it to yourselves, really.” Howard turned on the TV and passed the remote to Vince.

Vince hadn’t even considered the fact that a botanical garden field trip could be their undoing. They just got so swept up enjoying the nice day and the bright colors that Vince forgot about hay fever.

 When Howard came back he dropped Pearl onto Vince and turned back around to grab clothes and a new diaper to get her dressed. It was her 14 month check up and she was the most healthy out of all of them. She was still sleepy and cuddly, which Vince appreciated. There was nothing more soothing than a relaxed baby. Vince kissed her cheek.

“Morning, baby. Did you sleep well?” He rubbed his nose against the side of her head while she slowly woke up. She always slept later than all of the other kids but the doctor had assured them that was normal. She grabbed at his face with a grin.

“Nose.” She grabbed his nose with one hand and laughed. He reached out and pinched hers right back.

“Can I have my nose back please?” He moved to pull her hand off his face. Her face lit up and she poked her finger into his eye.

“Eyes!” She liked the ‘point to a facial feature and name it’ game, but it was far too early for Vince to get into it.

“Yeah, yeah. Poke your own eye out, let my peepers alone.” He watched her point to her own eye and immediately clap. “Alright, smarty, where’s your mouth?” She reached forward and grabbed his lip between her fingers. “ Your mouth, Pearly.” He pointed to her mouth, making her laugh again. “You know what you’re doing, don’t you.” he pinched her cheek just as Howard came back down the hall with two blanket ghosts following him.

“Guess who else is up?” Howard picked Pearl up and set her in his chair so he could set about changing her clothes. The other two piled on either side of Vince on the couch with their own blankets.

“Alright, girls?” Vince sat up a bit so they could lean against him, once again digging their elbows into him. Neither of them responded, they just closed their eyes again and pulled their blankets up to their chins. “Yeah, I don’t feel much better.”

“Is there no school today?” Billie sniffled and rubbed the back of her nose with her hand.

“Yeah, where is Tom?” Flo sat up a bit and looked around like he may have been hiding.

“There was school today, but you two are being quarantined. You didn’t sleep last night, and you aren’t exactly alive today. I’m not sending zombies to school.” Vince wrapped an arm around each of their heads to feel their foreheads. “Fevers are broken, so that’s good.” Billie pulled her blanket up over her mouth, trying to hide that she was sucking her thumb. Howard and Vince (mostly Howard) had been trying to get her to break the habit for years but this time Vince let it slide. She was sick, and rather pitiful looking at the moment. For a brief second he considered sucking his own thumb, but he decided against it. Something about being a good role model.

“Alright, we’re headed out.” Howard was dressed and holding Pearl on one hip with her diaper bag strapped over his shoulder. “Billie, thumb.” He smiled so she knew he wasn’t cross, “We’ll be back in an hour or so. I’ll make soup for dinner. There are cans in the cabinet for lunch that you can make.” He leaned down and kissed them all on the head.

“Bye, Papa.” Flo said softly. As soon as he stepped out the door Billie had put the thumb back in her mouth. She closed her eyes and leaned against Vince’s chest.

“Can we watch a movie?” Flo laid down so her feet were in his lap. “Can we watch Colobus? Papa said he recorded the marathon.” She closed her eyes as well and settled against a throw pillow. Vince didn’t even respond. He just hit play, even though he knew none of them would be awake to see it. 

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Vince had too many elbows digging into him again, but now he had a solid weight on his chest to go along with the numerous limbs. He opened his eyes to find Pearl asleep on his chest, Flo’s foot over one of his shoulders and her other in his lap, and Billie holding on to one of his arms like he was going to drift away from her. His neck was rather sore as well from his head being tipped back while he slept. Vince tried to get up without waking anyone, but it seemed to be impossible. He got out from under Flo’s legs, but Billie’s grip on him seemed too tight. Before he managed to get one of her arms off of him he noticed Pearl stirring. He sat back with a quiet huff and just waited for Howard to come back in the room. He was feeling a bit cabin-feverish. He needed to get out.

Vince dug his phone out of the couch cushions and decided to text Howard.

Where r u

Texting was infinitely easier with the smartphone Howard begged him not to buy.

bedroom
why?

Vince sighed. “Would you come out here?” He called down the hall. The twins wouldn’t move at a bit of sound. He thought he would have to text Howard again but eventually he heard the big man’s footsteps come down the hall.

“What’s wrong?” He sat down in his chair and frowned. Vince gestured to either side of himself and then the baby that had, thankfully settled back down. “You always used to moan and complain that you didn’t have anyone to cuddle but now you’ve got a puppy pile you don’t want it.” 

“Come off it, I’m melting under here. There’s gotta be a hundred pounds of body heat on top of me.” Vince had always wanted a puppy pile, ever since he was a part of a wolf pack for a weekend as a boy, but this was the middle of summer in late afternoon while he already probably had a low grade fever, not midnight in the jungle. He watched Howard laugh before leaning forward.

“Give her here.” He held out his hands for Pearl. Vince wormed his way free from the other two and finally managed to stand. “I didn’t get your medicines because I didn’t know which you would want and you didn’t answer when I called. I figured you might feel like going out anyway.” Vince stepped toward Howard and put his hands on either side of Howard’s face.

“I am going to walk out of this house to get medication and probably ice cream, and when I get back I want there to be soup.” He tried to look gruff but he was pretty sure he resembled a wet rat at the moment so he tried to reign it in, “Please.” Howard rolled his eyes.

“Of course, sir. The children will be bathed and fed in your absence.” Howard tilted his face up for a kiss, knowing Vince couldn’t turn him down. “Can you pick up Tom too? He’s out in a bit.” Vince agreed and swooped in for one more kiss before heading down the hall to actually get dressed.

Vince briefly considered a shower but decided against it. He would need all his strength for his mission. The worst thing that could happen would be getting halfway done and feeling the need to take a nap. He pulled his hair back and zipped up his jacket. It was probably hot outside but he didn’t care, he was freezing to death. After sliding on a pair of sunglasses he felt marginally ready to face the world. 

“Alright, ladies.” He clapped his hands together softly as he entered the living room. Flo was awake but, aside from Howard, she was the only one. “I’m popping down to the shop, do you want anything, think Bill might want something?” He leaned down and kissed Flo’s head.

“Gummy Worms are good.” She said softly. “Billie might want graham crackers though.” Vince nodded and kissed Billie’s head.

“I’ll keep an eye out.” He kissed Howard’s head and then Pearl’s. “Anything else?” He stepped towards the door.

“If you get them something, grab something for Tom.” Howard called. Vince rolled his eyes, as if he wouldn’t be fair anyway, and stepped out into the warm day.

The walk was nice enough, he instantly felt less crazy. He took a deep breath, instantly disrupted by the cough ripping through his chest, and tried to figure the fastest way to Tom’s school. It was rare that he went there but he knew it was within a 15 minute walk from their house just based on how quickly Howard managed to make their school runs every morning.

He hadn’t been recognized as he stepped up to the school gate and he was pretty sure the crowd of young-ish parents wouldn’t be his core demographic. His work was more interesting to college students and the unemployed. What he didn’t realize was that these young parents tended to be just that, college students and unemployed. 

“ Vince Noir ? Oh my god! I knew if I picked up my sister enough I would run into you! I’m such a fan of your work!” He looked to his right and saw a young woman who looked like she was about to jump out of her skin. “Not to sound creepy but ever since my sister said there was a kid who’s last name was Noir I just knew it was one of yours.” She nodded with a massive smile. If Vince had known his fame would proceed him he would’ve fought Howard a bit harder on giving the kids his name.

“Cool.” The walk made him feel marginally better but he still felt like shit overall. 

“I went and saw you live last year! When you were in Amsterdam! Best show of the tour, seriously!” She held out a hand, “I’m Amanda! My little sister is Susie. She talks about Tom all the time!” 

“All good things, I hope.” He tried not to sound disinterested, but completely ignoring her hand. “Listen, Amanda, it was really great of you-“ he wanted to let her down gently, and politely ask her to fuck off but she cut him off.

“Oh! Don’t even worry about it!” She laughed, “If you don’t mind me asking, why did you retire? So soon I mean? I heard you were going to do a goodbye tour but then pulled out at the last minute!” He took a deep breath and tried to bring his inner famous person to the surface. He knew he sounded like he swallowed a frog, but he tried to push past it.

“Oh I was planning on it, but my youngest was born the day the schedule was announced. We figured it would be better for all of us if I just didn’t do it, and scrapped it before any deposits were finalized.” He sighed, “Anyway, tell Susie I said hello, I suppose.” He tried to brush her off.

“Oh I will. She’s a massive fan of that Christmas special you did a couple years back! Of course she doesn’t understand much of it, mostly just the colors but-“ the doors opened, cutting Amanda off and saving Vince from having to talk about the worst thing he ever did in his entire career.

“Great talking to you.” Vince grabbed the loop on Tom’s backpack and started walking away. Somehow Amanda still didn’t catch the hint.

“Where are you headed?” She asked, pulling a little girl behind her. “We could walk together!” She was clearly trying to be friendly but Vince was too dead to deal with her.

“Alright, I was trying to be nice but I’m actually incredibly sick right now and I am absolutely out of it at the mo. I would love to just take my son home and then sleep for three days.” He turned to face her with a slight grimace.

“Oh…” she seemed to shrink two inches. “Sorry to bother you, then.” She seemed a bit miffed as she turned to slink away.

“Sorry!” He called after her. Vince had learned to say no to people, but it still wasn’t easy. “Jesus, she was irritating.” Vince looked down at Tom and dropped his hand to his shoulder. 

“Susie is annoying too.” Tom looked up and smiled. “Where’s Papa?” He pulled Vince’s hand from his shoulder and held onto it.

“Papa is at home with the girls. He’s making soup for dinner.” Vince squeezed his hand and watched Tom cheer quietly. “Are you doin alright? Breathing okay?” Vince had been concerned since the other two were suffering so badly. Tom nodded and looked down at his feet.

“I had to use my inhaler during outside time but I’m okay now.” Tom looked a little unhappy with himself.

“That’s good. Did you have it in your pocket or did your teacher have to get it?” They came upon the shop sooner than Vince thought they would.

“Miss Allen told me to take it with me out. It was too hot for me to leave it in my backpack.” Vince didn’t know Miss Allen but she sounded smart enough. “I was playing chase and my body told me to sit down and I didn’t and I should have.” He sighed softly. 

“Alright now though?” He noticed how busy the shop was, and the last thing he wanted was to lose track of his son. He knelt down and got Tom to get on his back.

“I’m like a koala.” Tom laughed quietly to himself. Vince picked up a basket and walked into the pharmacy for the allergy medicines. The kind he preferred was completely out, clearly everyone else suffering the same allergies. He grabbed an extra amount of the kid's dose. He figured he could Google later if he could just take extra of that. 

“Would the koala like a treat?” Vince asked, moving automatically to the candy aisle. He needed to bribe the girls to take their medicine, and he figured Tom deserved a treat after having to use his inhaler. He felt Tom nod excitedly. “What do you want? Some leaves?” 

“No! Daddy! I want Maltesers please.” He bounced excitedly while Vince picked up a package of them along with the various gummies and crackers.

“ Maltesers ? Koalas don't eat Maltesers, it would make you sick.” He smiled at Tom’s giggle. Vince didn’t put Tom down until they got back to the footpath up to the door.

The whole way home Tom was talking on and on about every aspect of his day. Vince wondered if this was what walks home with Howard were like. The two of them talking about things they did throughout the day, they had a lot of similarities so they probably had a lot to talk about. Vince felt a childish pang of jealousy towards Howard for always insisting on doing the school runs. He would have to talk to Howard about that.

“Hello, Ladies, we’re home.” Vince let Tom in before closing the door.

“How was school?” Howard smiled at Tom from his place, still in his chair but now he had Flo in his lap asleep again. Billie was still on the couch but she was awake and quietly watching Colobus. Tom put his backpack down and smiled up at Howard.

“It was good. I had a attack but I’m okay now, and Daddy bought me some Maltesers.” He sat down on the floor and got into his bag while he told Howard all the things he told Vince.

“Did you get any gummy bears?” Billie sighed. Vince reached into his bag and passed the candy he had bought for himself to her. He could settle with graham crackers.

“None before dinner, alright?” He leaned over her to feel her forehead. “You feel any better? You look a little rough.” She had the dark circles under her eyes that tended to crop up with hay fever. She shrugged.

“I just keep wanting to sleep.” She sighed and shifted so she was more comfortable. He kissed her forehead and sat down on the far end of the couch. He was getting tired again too.

“If you take her back I’ll go start dinner.” Howard gestured to Flo making Vince laugh.

“You know I can’t lift her anymore. You’ll have to put her here.” Vince slid his jacket off and repositioned himself so she could lay against his chest. Howard did as he was asked and resettled her.

“You have the most touchy kids, you know that?” Howard pulled her blanket over them and pointed to where Flo had balled her fists in Vince’s shirt. She had done that ever since she was a baby and they weren’t entirely sure why.

“Have you met me?” Vince said with a soft laugh. Howard just rolled his eyes and made his way into the kitchen to start cooking.

Dinner didn’t take very long, Howard was a master of soup by now. Against Howard’s preferences they all ate in the living room, watching a movie.

“They’re going to spill.” Howard complained even while filling their bowls. “It’ll stain the couch.” Vince grabbed Howard’s chin and turned his face.

“What’s more important? That our sick children and comfortable, or the fucking couch cushions?” Vince rolled his eyes when Howard hesitated, “The answer is the comfort one.” He gathered a few spoons.

“I suppose you’re right. We could just flip the cushions over.” Howard didn’t mind compromising, but he rather liked that couch.

“Uh, right. We definitely could flip the cushions.” Vince tried to push down the memory of ruining one of the cushions and flipping it over so Howard wouldn’t know.

“We can’t flip the cushions, can we?” Howard picked up two bowls to carry. Vince smiled nervously.

“Here, let me take those. You go ahead and get the next ones.” Vince pulled the bowls out of Howard’s hands and walked into the living room as quickly as possible. “Alright, listen up. Don’t spill. Papa loves this couch for some reason and I fucked up a the cushion on the other side and he doesn’t know it. If you spill he’ll find out. Do. Not. Spill.” He passed them their bowls but didn’t let go. “Yes? No?”

“Alright?” Howard managed to carry three bowls, leaving Vince no escape.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m great. Thanks.” He took his bowl from Howard and sat down on the floor next to Tom. “Just making sure they know not to spill, I mean maybe the cushions look wrong on the bottom side, or maybe they aren’t as worn as the back of the couch and they’ll be the wrong color so it’s possible that flipping them could cause more problems than it would solve, after all-”

“You ruined one of the cushions, didn’t you?” Howard barely managed to get the accusation out before Vince spoke up.

“Only a little bit!” He glanced up at Howard. “It was ages ago, can’t we just forget it? We need a new couch anyway.” He got a spoonful of soup and turned his attention to the TV, that was somehow still playing Colobus.

“We’ll talk about it later.” Howard rolled his eyes. Vince had no respect for upholstery, as he had proven on numerous occasions. Vince frowned and ate his soup for a few minutes.

“You only like that couch because it’s smoky topaz and that's one of the hardest fabrics to find on a couch, but I can literally just make covers in that color.” Vince grumbled.

“No, I like that couch because it’s the only one I’ve ever been able to lay on without my legs hanging over one side.” Howard nudged him with his foot, “And I’m gonna hold you to that. Make me new covers and I'll forgive you.” Vince laughed.

“You’d forgive me anyway when you found out how I ruined it.” He meant it innocently but Howard frowned and blushed a dark red.

“Vince, not in front of the kids.” He muttered. Vince rolled his eyes.

“Not that , you numpty.” Vince smacked his leg, “We’ll talk about it later.”

“Is it that big red stain?” Billie asked, “We use that as blood when we play pirates. We pretended it was blood from where I killed my eighth husband last time.” She laughed. Vince nodded sheepishly.

“Yeah, it’s just wine though.” He stood from the floor and started collecting empty bowls. He needed to concoct a way to get the girls to take their medicine but he was still drawing a blank.

“Uh oh.” He heard Howard say as he put the bowls in the sink. “Did that soup taste funny to you?” He asked the girls, his (terrible) acting skills coming into play.

“No, why?” Flo started to look worried. “Papa, I’m already sick. I don’t need to be stressing out too.” She was always so dramatic.

“It’s just…” Howard turned towards Vince, who was still in the kitchen. “Can you check that bottle in the cabinet? The one I used to season their bowls.” He raised his eyebrows with a small smile, letting Vince in on the plan.

“Uh, the one marked Poison ?” He asked. “Poison?!” He moved to dig around in his shopping bag to retrieve their medicine. “Oh, God. It’s a good thing I got the antidote when I was at the store earlier.” He ripped the label off the bottle and came over to pour the right amount in the little measuring cups. “Quick, drink this.” He handed one to each of them. They both looked at one another before shrugging and taking their medicine. "Good. We caught it just in time. If you had started growing a mustache we'd know it was too late." 

“We weren’t really poisoned, were we?” Billie asked. Vince laughed softly and shook his head.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to figure it out. We’ve only been ‘poisoning’ you two since you got your first colds.” He cleaned out the little cups before reading the side of the box to see how much he would have to take to account for adult dosage.

“I’ve also never seen antidote at the shop.” she coughed softly and laid back down. Vince gave up on trying to count and just took a large gulp out of the bottle. He grimaced at the overly syrupy taste he almost understood why they hated taking it so much. 

“Are you two sleeping out here?” Howard asked. They both nodded and settled into their spots on either end of the large couch.  “Alright. Tomorrow morning you both need showers before school, and you , sir,” He nudged Tom with the end of his foot, “need to head on in there for yours.” 

Vince checked the doors while Howard turned off most of the lights and the TV. The girls groaned but knew he wouldn’t change his mind on it.

“Try to sleep tonight. The medicine should help.” He kissed their heads, “Goodnight girls. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He started down the hall to turn on the shower for Tom. Vince peeked down the hall to make sure Howard wasn’t in sight.

“Don’t tell Papa, yeah?” He whispered and turned the TV back on with low volume. “Just be sure to turn it off before you fall asleep.” He gave them both a kiss and said goodnight before following after Howard to distract him from noticing the TV was on.

Vince fell back on the bed and sighed. They had a king sized mattress but it was still not big enough, in Vince’s opinion. He was simply luxuriating in all the space his warm bed did have to offer when he was quickly pinned down by Howard. 

“What are you doing? The kids are still awake.” He narrowed his eyes to match Howard’s expression.

“I’m holding you here until you tell me what happened to my couch.” Vince bit back a laugh and shook his head.

“It’s not that interesting of a story really.” Howard stared at him until his resolve crumbled, “Alright, alright.” Vince rolled his eyes. “When Charlotte came over after the last treatment failed before she got pregnant with the twins we decided to have a Pity Party. We were drinking wine and she made me laugh too hard and I spilled it.” He shrugged as best he could with both arms trapped beside his head. “We were both too drunk to clean it up so we just let it dry and I flipped the cushion before you came home from your Jazz Retreat.”

“You were too drunk with our surrogate to clean up the wine you spilled on my light brown couch?” He looked disappointed for a minute before his exterior cracked. He cleared his throat and tried to push down the smile that threatened to break free.

“Even you aren’t properly mad at me. Besides, the twins were born because we didn’t give up hope that it would work and that was all because we let ourselves relax for five minutes. So yeah, I sacrificed the couch for our kids. Sue me.” Howard glared at him for another minute. He opened his mouth to speak again but he was interrupted.

“I’m done!” They heard Tom call from the bathroom.

“We have to teach him how to turn the water on and off.” Vince sighed and shook his head. Howard managed to climb off him and get to the doorway before turning back around.

“You’re fixing the couch tomorrow.” Howard made his way to the bathroom. Vince laughed again and got up to change back into pajamas so he could snuggle down into bed and try to actually sleep before Pearl woke up wanting to eat her dinner. 

Chapter Text

Howard didn’t want to spend the day at the beach. He didn’t want to get in the car with four loud children and an equally loud partner just to get no help navigating and have to listen to New Wave pop music because at least two people were allergic to Jazz. He didn’t want to spend the whole day in the sun where he’ll be half blind before the end of it as well as bright red no matter how much sunscreen he puts on. Howard was more than happy to settle with a picnic in the park if Vince was so adamant about a day out, but as soon as the word ‘beach’ left Vince’s mouth, Howard knew he wouldn’t be able to talk him down. 

That’s how he wound up packing the third bag of towels and snacks while Vince helped the kids find their bathing suits and sandals. He could hear them all running and changing clothes, doors slamming among laughter and yelling making the future irritation of the day seem almost worth it. 

“Howard?” Vince called from down the hall. “Where are Pearly’s jelly shoes?” He came around the corner with Pearl on his hip. “I looked in all her drawers and they weren’t in there. How’s packing?” He picked up Howard’s tea and took a sip.

“Her shoes are on the bookshelf.” He pointed over his shoulder, “Nearly packed. All that’s left is your stuff.” Vince set Pearl to sit on the table so he could get her shoes. She was at the age where she was starting to resemble them, and it was strange to see.

Her hair was dark and curly like Howard’s, and her nose and mouth were shaped more like Vince’s ( before breaking his nose), but her eyes are what surprised them the most. When they got her, they knew her eyes would shed the muddy brown color and shift to blue like the twins’ did, but they didn’t. She had Vince’s big eyes, but the color was Howard’s soft warm brown.

Her and Howard were babbling back and forth about what he needed to pack, not that she was speaking much English (if any). He was just nodding along to her stream of gibberish while inserting a few ‘Right.’s and ‘That’s true.’s.

“Do you all have your own sunglasses or will we need to get some on the way?” Howard asked Vince, watching him step over and put the newly found jelly shoes on her feet.

“I’ve got some, and I know Flo and Tom do, but Billie broke hers last week. I’ll probably just give her one of mine.” He looked down at Pearl and frowned, “I don’t know if we still have baby sunglasses.” Howard pulled the small glasses out of the bag in front of himself. 

“I thought about her already. I just didn’t know about the rest of them.” Vince opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off by shouting that sounded suspiciously like fighting.

“Make sure she doesn’t fall. I’ll be right back.” He kissed Howard’s cheek and turned to walk down the hallway. “Oi! I thought we all agreed on no fighting on beach day.” He rounded the corner into Flo and Billie’s room to see them both standing on their beds and Tom crouched on the desk chair. “What…?” He shrugged at them. “Is it War or something?”

“No, Dad! The floor is lava! Get up quick before your feet burn off and you have to walk on stumps!” Flo grabbed his shoulder and pulled him onto her bed. 

“How will we get to the beach now?” Tom asked in a small voice. Vince looked over at the other side of the room. If he had to play the Floor Is Lava game, then so be it. Vince sat up and moved to the end of the bed. 

“Grab on.” He stretched his leg out. Tom grabbed Vince’s foot just as Vince tried to roll the chair closer to the bed. He looked over at Billie. “Can you jump over or should I send the chair?” She frowned and moved to jump over. There was a horrible cracking coming from the bedframe from the weight of everyone but nothing actually shifted.

“Sorry.” She scrunched her face and moved to try to balance the weight. “Now what do we do? We’re together now but we’re all going to sink because we’re too heavy.” Vince shook his head.

“Trust your dear old Dad.” He cleared his throat. “Howard! Can you come down here for a mo?” He heard Howard’s footsteps along with the toddling patter of Pearl following after him. “You’ll never believe this, Howard. The room is full of lava and we need you to help us. You’re lava-proof still, right?” Howard frowned for a minute before deciding to play along. “Great. I’m gonna pass you everyone one at a time so that way they don’t get melted, and you have to carry them to safety. The couch in the living room should be safe enough.” 

“Vince, we have to finish packing for the day trip you want to take.” He stepped into the room and frowned. “Come on, we haven’t got all day, really.” He held a hand down to Vince.

“We better get a wriggle on, then. Who’s going first?” Vince asked the three kids, all sitting in different directions from him. Flo raised her hand and started climbing on Howard’s back.

“Sorry Papa, but I don’t want to melt.” She kissed the top of his head just as he sighed in resignation. He dropped Flo on the couch and stepped back into the room, Tom was next, then Billie. He moved back to the bags on the table before he heard Vince from down the hall.

“Howaaard! You forgot me!” Howard groaned softly and shook his head. If he ignored Vince long enough then he would take the hint and stop playing around. “Howard! Pearly’s come in now too, and she’s gonna burn up if you don’t save us!” He groaned again and glanced at the kids. They were all talking about their water shoes, not even thinking about the father they left behind in the lava.

It was up to him. Howard moved back down the hall and stood in the doorway again.

“Oh, thank God. I thought you had abandoned us. I would’ve had to get a new fire boyfriend and Pearl would be the only thing I had left from this life.” Howard grabbed Pearl and set her in the hallway. When he turned back toward Vince he was on his knees on the mattress with his arms up like a child. Howard stooped low and threw Vince over his shoulder. “Oh that’s bloody romantic, Monkey Man. Gonna take me back to the cave and show me how you hit rocks together?” Howard stifled a laugh as he carried Vince back toward the living room.

“Try not to get caught up in the magma again.” He dropped Vince in his armchair and returned to the bags. “We’re nearly ready to go. We just need to make sure we have enough water and snacks.” Vince looked up at him and rolled his eyes.

“We’re going to Brighton, Howard, not the Sahara. There will be shops there. And we can get dinner while we’re there too so there won’t be any stress about anything, I promise.” He stood up and moved to drape himself over Howard’s back. “Maybe we can even get a hotel or something and stay a night.” Howard tensed up, but not for the reason he wanted Howard to tense up.

“Right. If we’re doing that I need to know now so we can pack clothes to go home in. I don’t want anyone getting a rash from their wet clothes.” Vince groaned and pulled away from Howard.

“You know, you’ve turned into a right mother hen, Moon. You need to remember how to be spontaneous.” Vince moved to the dryer where the latest load of laundry sat. He pulled out clothes for Tom and Pearl and threw them at Howard. “I’ll go get a change of clothes for the girls too, since you’re so scared of impulsive choices.” Howard shook his head. It wasn’t his fault that Vince never thought things through. And if the kids wound up sick or injured then he would have to deal with it. Vince was an excellent nurturer but when it came to medical stuff he was rubbish.

“Papa, why does Daddy call you Moon sometimes. I thought your name was Howard.” Billie frowned at him, completely pulling him out of his thoughts. Howard looked up at her and raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, it’s not like it’s your middle name either because that’s Tom’s name.” Flo added on. Howard bit back a laugh.

“Moon is my last name.” He said with a smile, “Like how yours is Noir, mine is Moon.” He moved the bags off towards the door so they could pack the car easier.

“Wait, but you and Dad are married!” Billie looked confused, “And if you’re married then you have the same last name as your kids.” She was smart, but she was missing information.

“Bill, me and your Dad aren’t married.” He sat in his chair and watched them all shift, slightly uneasy as if that was the worst news they could imagine.

“So are you just boyfriends ?” Flo asked like it was some sort of scandal. Howard shook his head at her and tried to keep his composure. “But Suzana said that to have kids you have to be married. And you and Daddy have us, so you have to be married!” She looked rather distressed at the news.

“Suzanna also thinks that we shouldn’t be married because we’re both men, so theres a flaw to her logic. Me and Dad are what the government calls ‘civil partners’. That means that we have all the benefits of being married without actually going through with it.” Howard crossed his arms. “But even if we were married I could still keep Moon. And I probably would. I’ve had it my whole life.” 

“But Papa, if it's just like being married then why not get married?” Billie could be rather convincing when she wanted to be. Howard shook his head. It wasn’t just his choice to make.

“You make a good point but at the same time, if it's the same then why change it?” He watched the three of them shift again.

“Because then you’ll be husband and wife. Don’t you want to be husband and wife?” Flo had started pulling at the hem on her shirt in a nervous gesture. Howard opened his mouth to respond but Vince’s voice cut through the air.

“Alright! Beach weekend here we come!” Vince returned from down the hall with a fourth bag slung over his shoulder. “I got clothes for them, and for us so you have no reason to say no to staying a bit. I also called Naboo and he said we can stay in his airbnb for a few nights…. What happened in here?” He looked at the faces of all the kids and the guilty look on Howard’s face.

“They've just realized we aren’t married.” Howard rubbed his face and stood. He took the bag from Vince and put it with the others. When he turned back around he saw all three kids with their arms wrapped around Vince. He was saying something to them that was clearly helping, but Howard couldn’t hear it.

“Now! Let’s get in the car! I want to get there before the sun sets.” He clapped his hands together and scooped up Pearl along with one of the bags. Howard grabbed Vince’s arm to stop him before he followed the kids to the car.

“What did you say to them?” He asked, “I don’t really know why they care like that.” Vince laughed and shook his head.

“I told them we could get married on the beach today if it would make them feel better. I don’t know why they care either, I just know that they do .” Vince moved to step outside, but he stopped. “Can you go grab two of my rings? I know you don’t really wear jewelry, but I figured just for today.” Howard sighed and moved down the hall to gather some jewelry.

In the car Vince was no help, as usual. He was mostly passing out travel sweets and picking music to play based on requests from the back. Howard almost wished they had listened to proper kids music while they were little, then they might not be requesting Metallica and Aerosmith (though that was some of the only music he and Vince could agree on). 

The drive wasn’t too long, thankfully. By the time the kids had run out of songs to hear, they were pulling up to the pier. Vince jumped out of the car instantly and ran around the back to start grabbing the chairs and bags of snacks while Howard helped everyone find their shoes again. 

“We should play here until the sun sets, and then head to Naboo’s place and get cleaned up before dinner, yeah?” Vince came around the side of the car to where Howard was pulling Pearl’s hair into bunches to put her hat on her.

“Works for me. When are we getting married?” He put her down and took her hand so she didn’t run away from them.

“God, I dunno. If they forget I won’t press it.” Vince turned to watch their older kids trying to carry the most bags. “Why did we pack so much?” He stepped over to help them. After finally lugging their stuff down to the beach and applying sunscreen to everyone Vince told them to go wild, watching the girls and Tom run towards the water and almost instantly coming back as the waves chased them.

“Do you want to get my back?” Howard pulled his shirt off and handed Vince the sunscreen. He laughed and took it from him.

“I don’t know why you bother. You’re just gonna put your shirt back on, and God knows your hat isn’t coming off either.” Vince poured some out on his hand and started at Howard’s shoulders.

“We both know I could burn through anything. You saw me-”

“Yeah, Summer of ‘09, I remember.” Vince laughed softly, “You couldn’t breathe, you were so burnt.” He looked over Howard’s shoulder at the kids dancing around in the water. “Did you pack his inhaler?” Howard nodded. “Did you pack your inhaler?” Howard laughed and shook his head.

“I haven’t needed my inhaler in years, Vince. I never pack my inhaler.” Vince pinched Howard’s ear, making him frown.

“Yeah, last time you needed it was when you were sunburnt to a crisp. If you need your inhaler this trip I’m gonna kill you before your lungs get the chance.” He let go and moved back to sit next to him. “Pearly, do you want to go get in the water?” Vince stroked the back of her sandy hand and pointed. 

“Yes!” She stood up and started racing down the beach after her siblings. Vince stood and opened the umbrella they had packed. 

“Don’t. Burn. I’ll be back.” He ran after her and scooped her up as he got closer to the water.

“Daddy!” Flo laughed and kicked water at him. “Are you going to take Pearl into the water?” She looked out over the horizon, her focus broken by Tom splashing at her again.

“I was going to take her out, is that alright?” He leaned down and pushed her hair out of her face. He had braided her hair back but it was already falling down. He was a bit out of practice when it came to braiding.

“Take me with you!” She grabbed his free hand and started walking next to him. He held onto her tight and walked until the water was chest high on her. “What if there’s a shark?” She asked, a bit of anxiety creeping into her voice as she tightened her grip on him. Vince sank down so the water was getting to Pearl too.

“If there’s a shark that should be no problem. I used to be head of Aquarium when me and Papa worked at the zoo. I can talk to sharks.” He looked at her while she continued to look off into the horizon. As much as she looked like him normally, she looked like Charlotte, her biological mother, at the moment. He realized they hadn’t seen Charlotte since they had to convince her to claim Pearl as her own.

“So you won’t let a shark eat me?” She glanced back at him, snapping him out of his thoughts. He laughed softly and pulled her hand out of the water to place a kiss on the back of it.

“I wouldn’t want a shark to eat you, but I can’t guarantee anything.” He pointed at a boat far out on the water. “Imagine being all the way out there? Just swimming. There wouldn’t be as many waves, and the sharks could come right up and getcha.” She glared at him before laughing at his joke.

“I’m going back to the shore. I don’t want to get eaten.” He squeezed her hand one last time before watching her trudge back to her siblings. He turned Pearl around so she was facing him.

“Are you having fun?” He asked gently. She smacked her hands into the water and kicked her feet happily.

“Bath!” She laughed and splashed at him. Vince realized this might be the first time she’s ever been in a large body of water. They didn’t go swimming very often, and their bathtub at home was big, but not that big. He shifted her to his hip so he could splash with her.

“Makes bein outside in the sun a little better, eh?” He glanced back at Howard and saw the kids stopping for a snack. “Are you getting hungry?” She shook her head and splashed some more. He didn’t realize she liked the water so much.

“Wet and cold.” She scrunched her face and splashed at him again. He stood up out of the water with her and started to head back to the shore. She might’ve said she wasn’t hungry but he knew that was a lie. “Wet and cold. Wet and cold.” She kept saying even after he wrapped her in a towel and set her in a chair.

“Excuse me.” Vince froze. He knew that ‘excuse me’. He turned and tried to smile at the young couple. “Are you Vince Noir? Front man for the Lawn Flamingos?” There was a time when Vince loved the spotlight and he would do anything to be recognized by the general public, but those days passed almost as soon as he and Howard had the twins. He had no reason to appreciate privacy until it wasn’t just his own at stake.

“Yeah. Uh, I am on vacation though, so if you don’t mind leaving us?” He smiled, trying to be polite.

“If we could get just one photo, please! It’s my life dream !” the girl said. She looked like she was over the moon to even be in his presence. Vince glanced at Howard for approval before nodding at them.

“Alright, just one . But that’s it.” He stood and moved away from their little camp to pose with them. He smiled as genuinely as he could for the photo and started to move away.

“Can we actually get your autograph? It's just that I’m a massive fan of your band, and I was hoping you could draw the logo for me?” the guy she was with asked. Vince frowned and shook his head.

“I’m just trying to spend the day with my family, actually. If I see you again later on, then absolutely! But I’m really not trying to be Vince Noir today.” Vince hated disappointing fans, but one look at Howard and he knew he would hate to disappoint him more. 

“Oh my God! Are these your kids?” She leaned over and waved at them. Billie was the only one to awkwardly wave back.

“Yeah, and you are a stranger, please move along.” Howard pulled Pearl into his lap and grabbed a handful of goldfish for her.

“You don’t have to be rude about it.” The guy rolled his eyes, “If you don’t want your fans coming up to you then don’t be famous. Come on, Phyllis.” The guy dragged the girl away in a huff. Vince sank back into his chair and groaned.

“I’ll be hearing about that at the next meeting, I’m sure.” Vince grabbed some crackers for himself. He cared about his public image but he also felt like he deserved a day off from being famous.

“Who was that?” Tom asked between mouthfuls of oreos. “Was that one of the people who like you?” Vince nodded.

“Yeah, probably not anymore though.” Vince took a large gulp of water, “Did I sound rude to you?” he asked Howard. “ You sounded rude, but they probably won’t think about what you said for very long.” Howard shook his head.

“You sounded very polite. I just can’t wait for people to start trying to justify that kind of behavior.” Howard took his hat off and dropped it on Vince. “Put that on, you’ll be harder to recognize.” He sounded upset.

“Don’t be mad at me, Howard. I didn’t call them over.” He tucked his hair up into his hat and shook his head slightly. “I don’t want them to talk to me as much as you don’t.” Howard opened his mouth to talk but Billie cut them off.

“You aren’t allowed to fight on your wedding day!” Vince frowned at her for raising her voice. “Sorry for shouting.” She said quietly, “But you aren’t supposed to fight when you get married.” Vince looked at Howard and nodded.

“You’re right, I’m sorry for being cross.” He put a hand on Howard’s knee. Howard covered Vince’s hand with his own in a sign of agreement.

“Do you want to get married now?” Flo asked.

“How do you get married?” Billie added. Vince knew the right way to get married, but he didn’t know how to convince them of it.

“Well, me and Papa have to stand facing each other. Then we have to say we love one another, and then put on rings and we’re married.” Vince snuck a few crackers while Howard leaned down and grabbed the rings he had chosen out of one of the bags. 

“Is that all? Then why haven’t you done it before?” Billie asked. Vince considered if they had done that, but he figured exchanging anniversary gifts didn’t count. He just shrugged.

“Papa doesn’t like rings.” Vince looked at the two rings he chose. One was a random silver band with a large gemstone and the other was a skull ring. He rolled his eyes and picked up the skull band.

“Hey, that one is mine.” Howard frowned and tried to snatch it back. Vince laughed and stood up so it was out of reach.

“Come on, up you get. I have to put it on you, don’t I?” They stood facing one another, but not touching.

“You have to hold hands or it doesn’t work.” Tom laughed. Vince looked down at him and narrowed his eyes. Howard grabbed both of Vince’s hands and smiled at him softly, even though Vince wasn’t even looking.

“Oh, now you’re an expert on marriage?” He looked back at Howard and very suddenly felt a wave of emotion crash over him. The sun was setting behind Howard giving him a halo of golden curls around his face and making his already soft eyes feel even softer. Vince felt his lower lip wobble a little bit.

“Alright?” Howard asked, squeezing his hands gently. Vince nodded and cleared his throat.

“Let’s just get it over with. I’m ready to be on our honeymoon.” He squeezed back making Howard laugh and giving him those eye crinkles that always set Vince’s heart on fire.

“I love you, Vince.” Howard put the ring with the big ugly gemstone on Vince’s left ring finger. Vince felt his lip wobble a bit more.

“I love you too, Howard.” His voice cracked embarrassingly. He put the skull ring on Howard.

“You have to kiss too! I remember from TV!” Billie (or was it Flo?) said from just behind Vince’s shoulder. He was already one step ahead of her, leaning in to wrap his arms around Howard’s neck and pull him in. They were just about to meet, Vince could feel Howard's breath against his mouth, when a voice interrupted them.

“Uh, hi! Just a quick question, are you Vince Noir?” Vince turned his head sharply and glared at the person standing just on the other side of his beach chair.

“Can you fuck off? This is my wedding day and I am a bit busy.” He turned back to Howard and jerked him down to kiss him, as if he had something to prove. Vince put every ounce of Go-The-Fuck-Away-I’m-Clearly-In-The-Middle-Of-Something that he had in him, and then some, before pulling away. Howard blinked his eyes open after a minute and cleared his throat.

“Let’s uh… let’s get going.” He eventually let go of Vince and leaned down to start collecting their things. Vince was feeling a bit hungry.

Chapter Text

Vince laid Pearl down in her crib, relieved that she was finally asleep. Her teething had gotten out of control. She was up at all hours, crying and chewing on anything in sight, which meant Vince was up at all hours, (also crying and chewing on everything in sight). 

He dropped a hand to her back to make sure she was settled. He wasn’t new to putting a baby down for a nap, but she was sleeping so lightly lately that a little extra precaution would save him a few hours. Just as his hand was lifting he heard the door in the kitchen slam closed and the, normally beautiful, sound of his children running through the house laughing and shouting came echoing down the hall. He winced, laying his hand back on her, willing her to stay asleep. 

He sighed softly when she didn’t stir. He lifted his hand and clicked on the baby monitor, not that he wouldn’t hear her anyway. On the third step towards the door Vince heard the worst possible sound: a squeak. With a quick glance down he saw the squeaky toy that had missed the shelf last time they cleaned up underneath his foot. He squeezed his eyes shut, immediately hearing the low whimper from the baby behind him.

“Dadadadada.” Her voice was raw from her angry outbursts. He turned to look at her. She clumsily rubbed her face and sniffled as the tears began to well up again. She coughed out a small sob. He knew she felt terrible by the way she didn’t sit up and reach for him. 

“Hey, everything okay in here?” Howard peeked his head in, whispering softly. Vince shook his head and handed over the baby monitor.

“She’s awake again.” He didn’t even whisper. Howard nodded, unhappy with that turn of events. Howard leaned down and picked up Pearl to rest her against his shoulder. He kissed her head and grabbed her blanket out of the bed to wrap it around her back.

“We have a parent’s night on Friday, they said they want to see us both.” Howard rocked side to side, trying to put her back to sleep. “They assured me it wasn’t a bad thing, but it’s for the girls, who’s really to say.” Vince didn’t have the energy to be offended.

“Flo has been suspended for biting someone.” Vince dropped down into the rocking chair and tipped his head back. Keeping his eyes open and fixed on the window over the bed.

“And they’ve both been in fist fights.” Howard laughed softly, remembering the panicked call from the head teacher, no idea what to do with the half wild girls that had snapped.

“Suzanna deserved it. Her parents are pricks.” Vince crossed his arms over his chest. “I have a meeting with the band in January, so we ought to get a sitter and get a hotel for the night so we can get away from these lunatics.” Howard leaned against the changing table, having managed to settle Pearl back into a dozing state.

“That could be nice. And they are pricks, that’s not Suzanna’s fault though.” Howard laughed softly.

“You gotta admit, Bill throws a hell of a punch.” Vince grinned and rubbed his face. He was so tired.

-()-

By the time the parents' evening came around they still hadn’t managed to bring Pearl’s teething under control, making both Vince and Howard far too close to zombie status for their liking. In the last few days they had taken turns staying up all night to sit with their inexplicably sad baby. 

They had taken her to the doctor, who diagnosed her with Dramatic and sent them on their way, but that hadn’t helped their case any. Frozen strawberries seemed to be the only thing that gave them any peace, and the night before they had run out.

“Howard, can’t we do the parent’s night some other time? Like when I’ve slept more than five hours in the last five days?” Vince was on the floor with Pearl, where she was sitting and playing with one of her chewy toys. He moved to lay flat on his back just as Howard returned with two mugs of coffee.

“I don’t know what they want, Vince, we can’t just say ‘let’s reschedule’ if it’s time sensitive.” He settled into his armchair and crossed his leg over the other. “Besides-” He was cut off by a yawn splitting his face in two, “-I’m sure it’s nothing. We’ll be in and out no problem.” 

Only they weren’t in and out no problem. Vince sat in front of Mr. Davies and tried to look awake. His travel mug was running dangerously low, too low for how serious of a tone the teacher had.

“That’s why I asked you two here.” He was apparently in the middle of speaking, but Vince had stopped listening. He lifted his mug to his lips and took a long drink, hoping Howard would answer for him. Was the headache behind his eyes always this bad?

“Vince?” Howard asked, nudging him slightly. “He asked you a question.” Vince looked up and tried to shake the sleep out of his head. “You’ll have to forgive him, our youngest is teething and she’s being a bit of a drama queen about it.” Mr. Davies nodded, as if he knew what they were talking about.

“Right, well, Mr. Noir, I was asking if you wanted to put on the Christmas Play. Being that you’re a musician, and you know the first thing about putting on a show, me and the rest of the staff figured we would ask you. Plus it might get some of the other parents involved knowing that there is a big star behind it.” Mr. Davies was a nice man. He was taller than anyone Vince had ever met, including Howard, and he had a genuinely warm smile. He also seemed to know everything about everyone who ever stepped foot in his school with petrifying accuracy. If he said people would get involved because Vince was heading up the operation, he meant it.

“Yeah, alright.” Vince shrugged. Howard turned his head and raised his eyebrows in shock. “I mean, why not? I put on auditions, I pick the best kids for the job, we have a couple rehearsals, get the costumes, and boom. We have a show.” Mr. Davies smiled and nodded.

“I’m so glad you agreed.” He clapped his hands together. “Now, I have to head to the lounge. There was apparently a spat about the coffee machine, and I need to go sort it.” They all stood, Mr. Davies towering over them and shaking their hands. “You know where to find me if you need help with anything, and my assistant, Mr. Horne, can get you whatever you’ll need for this task.” Vince shook his hand and turned to leave with Howard in tow.

“You really agreed to doing the Christmas play?” Howard asked, pushing the door open and stepping out into the cold night. “Why would you do that? I thought you hated it when we had to do them as kids.” Vince nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“I dunno. I would’ve liked to have a dad that wanted to help with something at school, and we both know I can’t do much at a bake sale, that’s more your area.” He took a deep breath and looked up at Howard. “You got any cigarettes?” Howard’s mouth gaped open, pretending to be shocked.

“As if I would smoke those.” He reached deep in his pocket and pulled out a pack. Vince laughed and took it from him.

“You really should quit. Your asthma might disappear altogether.” He stepped away and lit one. “It’s gotten so small, it’s almost not even there. If Tom weren’t so bad off I would forget you even had it.” Howard rolled his eyes.

“I don’t smoke very often, Vince.” He took a deep breath of the refreshing night air. “If I smoked too often I would have to do more than wash my hands when I got home, and I don’t really feel like showering and changing clothes every time I stepped into the house.” 

“You would also have to bust out the inhaler.” Vince breathed out. He didn’t let himself smoke unless he was on tour and out with the band, but he felt like he needed something to help relax him before heading home.

“I hope Naboo is alright. He hasn’t dealt with teething since the Youth Juice incident, and I don’t think we put up that much of a fight.” Howard stole the cigarette from Vince and took a drag before passing it back. Vince laughed and leaned against the side of the van.

“He’s probably put them in bubbles or some shit because they wouldn’t stop arguing. He isn’t that bad, really.” Vince shrugged. “Every other time he’s watched them it’s been fine! Except that one time that a blonde guy came at you from the cupboard. He still won’t tell us what that was about.” He dropped the half finished cigarette and squashed it with the toe of his boot. He leaned a head against Howard’s shoulder and sighed softly.

It really was a bad idea for him to agree to take on the school play, especially with Pearl acting up the way she was. Not to mention Tom probably not being allowed to participate. Who was even to say that the girls wanted to? He should’ve talked to them about it. It was always embarrassing for Howard and Vince when Howard’s Nan would show up, even though she would bring snacks and goodies for everyone.

“Do you regret agreeing yet?” Howard could read his mind very nearly to a terrifying degree. Vince laughed and looked up at him.

“Nah, not yet. Not until I hear which play they want me to do. Even then I’ll probably only panic if it’s the Nativity.” Vince turned to move to the door. “We both know I don’t know a damned thing about the Bible.” Despite all of Howard’s Nan’s efforts of dragging them to church every Sunday, forcing them into the boys choir, even buying them nice formal clothes for the services, not one thing stuck for Vince. He hated every minute of church… except the boys choir, at least then his 14 year old eyes could gaze upon the prettiest boys in church without being noticed.

“I can help you if it’s the Nativity.” Howard climbed in on his side and started the car. “I think I remember a thing or two about my time as the Rival Innkeeper.” He looked smug as he checked the rearview mirrors.

“The Rival Innkeeper? Howard, you were one of the background people. You didn’t even have any lines. Your costume was made out of your topsheet.” Vince vividly remembered that performance. The Church had asked Vince to be a part of it as well, but if he couldn’t be God he didn’t want to do it.

“Vince, I talked to Mr. Wynde and he said that our characters were our own, we could be whoever we wanted so long as we didn’t disrupt the play.” He glanced over, watching Vince laugh.

“So you chose the Rival Innkeeper ?” Vince rolled his eyes and looked out the window. “As if  there was a rival. If there was another hotel in town, dontcha think that Jesus and Mary would’ve gone to it?” Vince reached over and covered Howard’s hand over the gearshift, tilting his head against the glass and closing his eyes. He grinned, hearing Howard try to defend himself and tell Vince about his ‘character’s deep lore’ and about how his character was the Innkeeper's Wife’s past lover, as well.

“What, you mean? Julia ? You and Julia were barely friends, certainly not together.” Howard rolled his eyes. “Besides, she’s not into your type. She’s with that Barratt kid now.” Vince looked over at him.

“What, she’s not into gay men? I would hope not.” Howard rubbed his mustache for a second.

“No, you prick, she’s not into weird kids who don’t do anything but listen to Jazz and hang out with the other weird kid who wanted to commit sacrilege.” Vince rolled his eyes with a laugh. Howard glanced over at him and smiled.

“I wasn’t into Julia, my character was into the Innkeeper's Wife .” Vince could see the soft blush across Howard’s cheeks even in the dark, proving Vince right. He didn’t push the issue, he just covered Howard’s hand again and squeezed.

“Oh, whatever.” The rest of the car ride was a comfortable silence, both of them enjoying the lack of noises besides the sound of the engine rumbling beneath their feet until Howard turned off the engine in their driveway. He unbuckled his seatbelt and moved to get out of the van but Vince stopped him. “Howard, I don’t want to go inside.” Vince frowned, hoping Howard would reflect his sentiment. He felt bad enough that he was exhausted from his kids, but if Howard didn’t feel the same way he knew he would feel significantly worse.

“Me neither.” Howard settled back in his seat and rubbed his eyes. “I would almost be alright with sleeping here if I knew Naboo could handle them. For all we know they’re all still awake and they haven’t eaten or bathed.” Vince reached over Howard to slide his seat back and give himself more room. He slid a leg over Howard’s lap and moved to settle against him, his head tucked under Howard’s chin and his hands under Howard’s blazer to keep warm.

“We can stay here for a few minutes. Naboo isn’t expecting us until later, anway.” He felt Howard’s hands against his thighs, just resting them there. “If I don’t get to sleep tonight I think I might finally snap.” Vince whispered. “I feel like a ghost. Nothing feels quite solid.” Vince tightened his grip around Howard, trying to make himself feel grounded.

“Aren’t ghosts the thing that isn’t solid? Everything else should be pretty okay, but you would be the flimsy thing.” Howard moved one hand to rest on Vince’s lower back, stroking at his spine lightly under his jacket.

“Come on, Howard. You know what I mean. You can’t possibly feel alive. Even when the twins were teething they at least slept sometimes .” Howard laughed.

“They did not . You just weren’t home for the worst of it.” Howard didn’t mean for it to come out as hostile. The atmosphere was instantly heavier, both of them holding their breaths.

“Please don’t start that right now.” Vince whispered, fearing a fight coming on that neither of them had the mental capacity for.

Vince being gone so much had been a point of contention ever since their first kids were born. Howard had expected Vince to stay home and take care of the babies with him and he was truly surprised when Howard was left with two seven month olds. Vince was gone for four months, before coming back to babies that barely knew who he was. Vince did everything he could to keep himself in the kids’ minds while he was gone after that, but it still wasn’t enough for Howard. They simply tried not to talk about it, seeing that Vince was calling himself retired from touring.

They stayed holding on to one another for a few more minutes before Howard squeezed him once and mumbled something about how they should go inside. Vince nodded and opened Howard’s door to climb out.

“Wait.” Howard grabbed Vince’s arm and pulled him back into his lap. He tucked a hand behind Vince’s neck and pulled him down for a brief kiss before letting him get up.

-()-

Vince was stressed about the show to begin with but finding out that it was up to him to choose the show they performed was significantly worse. He only knew four plays and they were certainly not child safe without a severe overhaul.

“Vince, you can’t have the kids perform Cabaret . It’s not appropriate.” Howard poured Vince a mug of coffee. He had been sitting there for at least three hours trying to find a play for the kids, but everything he would enjoy directing was either too complicated or it was too Adult. He ran his hands through his hair for the umpteeth time and groaned.

“At this rate I might as well write my own play. It might be faster.” he hung his head over the keyboard of his laptop and sighed.

“We both know it’ll still be too grown up for eight year olds.” Howard sat next to him with his own mug. He looked across the room at the sleeping baby in her seat. They had managed to get her to sleep so long as they were within her line of sight when she stirred.

“Alright then, you give me some ideas. I’ve offered tons of ideas and they’ve all been shot down.” Vince moved to close his laptop, but Howard just turned it to face himself.

“I think you should do A Christmas Carol. The nativity is the obvious choice but no one wants to go see the story of Christ told by a gay man that didn’t pay attention in church.” Howard typed out a few things on Vince’s document before turning it back around. It was a list of the main characters.

“Would you like to take over? You seem to have a pretty decent handle on how to do this.” Vince sighed and opened a new tab to begin looking up a script. Howard shook his head.

“Absolutely not. You dug this grave.” He took a gulp of his coffee and watched Vince chew on the end of his pen while he read something. “I’m more than happy to help you but after the Easter Disaster last year I refuse to head up another school event.” Vince rolled his eyes, but didn’t respond. If he was doing A Christmas Carol then he was going to do it right.

“Daddy!” Flo and Billie came barreling into the kitchen, chasing after one another and laughing loudly. Howard and Vince managed to grab one of them each, stopping them and shushing them softly.

“Pearly is asleep, what’s on?” Vince laughed softly and glanced between them.

“We wanted to have a footrace but Tom said he wants to come inside and read so we need someone to judge!” Billie was panting softly as if she had just been running.

“We tried to do it ourselves but it was too close and we couldn’t agree on who won.” Flo was panting as well. Howard laughed softly and shook his head. Vince opened his mouth to agree but Howard cut in.

“Dad is a bit busy. I can come out in a minute.” Howard pushed Flo’s hair out of her face. They both nodded and ran back out the back door to the yard. Vince glared at Howard.

“I was more than fine with going out and judging their race.” He kept typing on his computer even while he complained to Howard.

“I know you’d want to,” Howard stood and took their empty mugs, “But you have work to do.” He kissed the top of Vince’s head and moved to put the mugs in the sink. “I’ll let you know the results. Place your bets now.” He slid on his coat and opened the door.

“I’d reckon Bill’ll win. Flo is better at climbing, but Bill is faster.” Vince called over his shoulder. Howard nodded slowly and turned back to the door.

“I’ll bet Flo. She’s smart, she’ll pace herself.” He moved to walk out the door but was pushed back immediately again by Tom running past.

“It’s cold outside.” He shivered and stomped his feet to knock the snow off his boots. Howard pulled the hat off Tom’s head and put it on his own before heading out to judge the race.

“Is the snow nice today? It looked like it was good and powdery.” Vince knocked some of the snow off his jacket.

“Yeah. I’m cold now.” he sniffed and sat down on Howard’s chair to pull off his boots. “Me and Bill and Flo made a snowman, only he’s naked because we didn’t want to get our hats wet.” He pulled off his socks and neatly tucked them into his boots making Vince bite back a laugh. Tom was by far the most responsible of all of their kids, and it was definitely from Howard. 

“That’s alright. There’s nothing wrong with being naked. If it weren’t so cold I would probably be naked too.” Vince ruffled Tom’s hair and turned back to the open computer. He had found a few different scripts but none he liked all the way. “Do you want to help me write a play? Because all of these seem to be bullshit.” Tom nodded excitedly. “Alright, let's get some hot chocolate to warm up a bit and then we can get to work, yeah?” Vince stood up and moved to the stove, pulling Howard’s cardigan tighter around himself.

-()-

Vince walked through the empty school with Tom on his left and Mr. Horne on his right. The school felt creepy. Everyone had already gone home for the day, leaving Vince and Tom practically alone in the building. Vince had gotten his and Tom’s script approved rather quickly meaning they had to look at the stage and decide on props and backdrops. When Howard heard Vince and Tom wrote the play themselves he was shocked, proud, but shocked all the same.

“Sorry,” Mr. Horne broke Vince out of his thoughts. Vince raised his eyebrows at him, confused about what he was apologizing for. “Sorry for putting the girls in detention today. They-” Vince waved him off.

“They’ll get over it. They have detention every week it feels like.” He laughed to himself. “What did they do this time?” Mr. Horne turned towards Vince as he approached the door to the small theatre.

“They’re in there waiting for you, they’ll no doubt tell you.” He pushed the door open and gestured for Vince to head on inside. Vince pulled Tom along after him and down the main aisle where his two daughters were sitting on the front row. He cleared his throat making them both turn to face him. 

“Ladies.” Vince nodded to them and moved to sit on the side of the stage directly in front of them. They both waved a bit, but avoided his eyes. “I’m not gonna give you a lecture, that’s Papa’s job. What’s it this time?” he crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. Neither of them looked up at him. “Well? Did you beat someone up? Bite someone? Throw paper at the teacher? What?” Billie and Flo exchanged glances.

“Jonathan said that-” Flo started talking but Billie covered her mouth and gave her a look, making sure she kept her mouth shut.

“Jonathan? Jonathan Miller?” Vince asked. Neither of them responded. “Come on, I have to know what happened so I know whether to even bother Papa with it. He’s not expecting us home until later anyway because me and Tom have work to do here. Fess up, or he hears about it anyway.” They looked at one another again, both sighing.

“Jonathan said that we were science experiments gone wrong.” Billie bit her lip and tried not to let the wobble show.

“And that the only thing that separates us from gerbils is that we’re taller.” Flo added, she looked more angry than sad. “He was a real bastard to us.” Vince rolled his eyes and slid off the stage to stand.

“Alright, so what did you do to him? Besides call him a bastard.” He picked up Tom so he could stand on the stage. “Did you hit him?” They shook their heads. “Can you at least tell me if we should get a lawyer?”

“We cut his rat tail off when he wasn’t looking.” Billie said quietly. “It was well long too. I wanted to keep it but-” Vince held up his hand and sighed. If this had been their first infraction he might’ve laughed, even if it was their fourth or fifth he might’ve at least smiled. 

“I know that there are some kids here that aren’t exactly…-” He was cut off by Flo.

“They’re horrible, Dad!” She looked concerned, as if he might be defending the other kids.

“I know they’re horrible! I know , and I’m sorry.” He remembered getting this talk from Howard’s Nan, as well as his Child Protection Agent. “It’s my fault that they’re so horrible to you, and there isn’t anything I can do for you. But you have to stop fighting back. You’re going to wind up getting suspended again, or worse.” He knelt in front of them and put a hand on their cheeks making them look up at him. “I really am sorry.” He felt his heart breaking twice, looking into his own eyes twice over. Both sets nearly bubbling over with tears.

“If we stop they’ll only get worse.” Billie whispered.  

“What if they start fighting?” Flo added, equally as quiet.

Vince frowned and pulled them both to lean against his shoulders. He took a deep breath to attempt to steady himself. He had hoped they wouldn’t have a hard time in school like he did. He used to make up stories about being raised by a famous front man, thinking that would make things better, he told stories about growing up in a beautiful environment where creativity was the most important thing, thinking that that would make him more popular, but none of those things helped him . He wasn’t sure why he assumed it would work out in their favor.

“Please just promise me to lay off the low grade assault, yeah?” he leaned back and raised his eyebrows at them. He kissed their cheeks and stood up straight. “Now!” He clapped his hands together. “We have some work to do!”

Vince and Tom talked about how they wanted the stage to be set up, along with the various props that were in the small storage closet behind the stage. Vince shook Tom’s hand as if they were business partners and smiled at him. He glanced at the girls and noticed them asleep leaning against one another. Vince sat down on the side of the stage and pulled Tom down to sit next to him. If he was going to have a heart-to-heart with one half of his kids, he might as well go for three.

“How is school for you ?” He asked, “No issues with the other kids?” He remembered how Howard dealt with the mean kids, that was to say he simply didn’t . Tom shrugged.

“Dunno.” Not the answer Vince was expecting. “The other kids aren’t mean to me, but I don’t talk to them much.” That was an answer Vince was expecting. Howard didn’t talk to anyone until Vince came along either.

“Not even one friend?” He hoped Tom found someone that wasn’t him, as much as he enjoyed hanging out with Tom. Tom shrugged.

“Bella is nice. She shares her pretzels.” Vince ruffled Tom’s hair and smiled.

“She sounds nice.” He got off the stage and helped Tom down. “I reckon we’re ready for a casting call, yeah? What are you doing tomorrow afternoon?” he asked. Tom smiled and picked up his backpack.

“Nothin!”

-()-

The casting call was going poorly. Vince and Tom couldn’t agree on anyone. They were running out of people, and fast.

“Tom, no one is going to be perfect for the role. We have to just pick the closest we have, and I think Abby is our lead.” Vince regretted giving equal partnership to a five year old.

“No! She’s too tall and her hair is yellow.” Tom frowned. “What about glasses girl?” Vince looked through his notes.

“Jane?” He asked, “Dark hair?” Tom nodded. “But…” Vince realized he couldn’t say an eight year old was a bad actor. He shrugged. “Alright. Jane gets lead, where do we put Abby then? She was proper good.” Tom rolled his eyes as if it was obvious.

“She gets to be the fairy!” Tom shook his head. Vince was very quickly understanding Tom’s vision.

“Right, and then George can play the dad, right?” He watched Tom consider it before nodding. They continued on this back and forth, going along with one another and occasionally (mostly Vince) conceding to the other’s idea.

Eventually they came to the end of the list. Vince had never been more relieved that the twins weren’t interested in being in the play. The rest of the cast was so perfect that having to move them around to put them in equal places would’ve been a nightmare. Vince closed their binder and picked up his travel mug.

“What is Papa making for dinner?” Tom put the binder in his backpack and stood up. Vince pulled his phone out of his pocket to check his texts. He had a few from Howard, but nothing interesting.

“Dunno. Probably tacos, it is Tuesday.” Vince picked up his jacket off the back of the chair. The school day (for everyone but Tom) was just about over, and the girls would be done soon. “Ready to roll?” Vince wrote down a note for Mr. Horne concerning the costumes. Vince knew he could make them, but he needed the fabric and what size clothes everyone wore. Tom nodded and slid his own jacket on before grabbing Vince’s outstretched hand.

“I hope they don’t get detention again.” Tom said softly. “I don’t want them to be in trouble.” Vince squeezed his hand and smiled to himself.

“It’s okay. I’m sure they didn’t get in trouble again.” Vince moved around the corner and saw both girls being scolded by Mr. Davies. He closed his eyes and stepped into Mr. Davies’ eyeline.

“Ah, Mr. Noir. I was about to send them to the theatre to see you.” He crossed his arms and told the girls to turn and face their dad. Vince frowned at them, disappointed they would get in trouble so soon after the last time. “They were caught skipping their final class. I’ve actually only just found them.” That was a new one. Vince rolled his eyes and put a hand on the back of their necks to turn them back to face Mr. Davies.

“Sorry, sir.”

“Sorry.”

“Let’s head home.” Vince shook his head. “Sorry, Greg.” Vince pushed the girls to make them start moving.

“Actually, Mr. Noir, can I speak to you about the girls?” Mr. Davies asked before Vince could take more than two steps away. He felt his stomach drop as he turned back to face the large man. “In private?” Vince nodded and they all made their way to the office. Vince pushed the three children following him down on the waiting room couch.

“Don’t move.” He tried to glare at them, but the anxiety from Mr. Davies was overpowering any anger he might’ve had. He closed the door to the office behind himself and frowned.

“Listen, Greg, please, if you’re going to kick them out at least let them fi-” Vince had the feeling that was coming. They had been in trouble more days that week than not, so if they were going to get the boot it was probably at that point.

“I’m not kicking them out.”  Greg held up a hand. “You just have to reign them in. They can’t keep breaking things and hurting the other kids, Vince. And they certainly can’t skip class.” Vince rubbed his face and groaned.

“I know! I talked to them yesterday after they cut off that kid’s hair. I begged them to stay out of trouble.” Vince dropped into the chair across from Greg. Greg pulled a clear bottle of brown liquid out of his desk and filled two paper cups. “They told me that they weren’t starting it though. Apparently Miller said something rude to them, and so they fought back.” He took a gulp out of the cup Greg passed to him.

“I’ll look into it, but that doesn’t change what they’ve been doing.” Greg was a nice man, but above all else he was a head teacher. “The other kids are mean, but they are always going to be mean. Your girls give as good as they get.” Vince shrugged.

“Alright, so what then?” He finished his drink, “Suspension? Extra homework? Groveling?” Greg simply shook his head.

“I think we could do a community service kind of deal for them. Give them something to put their energy into instead of worrying both of us with their behavior. I think if they had something they were proud of making or being a part of then maybe they could cope better with the others picking on them.” Greg raised his eyebrows. Vince knew he had already decided that forced club attendance was going to happen whether he disagreed or not, so he simply nodded.

“What did you have in mind?” Vince thought of all the ways this could go horribly wrong. The girls liked their free time to run about and draw and play video games, they wouldn’t take well to more school.

“I was going to let them choose. They don’t seem to have anything specific they’re interested in, so if they fail to choose I’ll put them as stagehands on your show, and once it’s over they can be free.” Vince nodded slowly. Flo had tried to do orchestra, but she found trumpet annoying, and there were no other openings, leading her to drop it and only learn to play with Howard.

“I think working with me would be the best move. At least that way I can keep an eye on them and make sure they don’t cut anyone else’s hair.” Vince rubbed his face, “How angry were his parents, anyway?” Vince would’ve been beyond pissed if one of his kids came home with a large chunk of hair missing but Greg just shrugged.

“Jonathan’s mother was relieved that it was finally gone, and we never heard from his father so I assume it all ended up alright. She had apparently been trying to convince him to cut it off for a while now.” Greg sighed, “I suppose it could’ve been a nightmare, but they really did his mother a favor. We just can’t encourage that behavior.”

“Right. Anything else then?” Vince stood and took a deep breath. Greg shook his head and stayed where he was. Vince shook his hand and turned to leave before remembering something, “Oh, I left a couple notes on the table for Alex. It’s just the basic casting list and a couple materials I’ll need.” Greg nodded and smiled at him briefly before shooing him all the way out the door.

“Alright, let's go home.” Vince helped the kids gather their things, and walked with them out the door. The night was colder than it was last time he left after the sun had set. He turned and zipped up Tom’s jacket before telling the girls to do the same. “We don’t want to get sick.” 

The girls had retreated into themselves, shoving their hands into their pockets and not looking up even after Vince started talking to them.

“Do either of you want to tell me why you decided to skip class after agreeing to stay out of trouble?” He was getting properly worried about them at this point. They were good kids, they just seemed to forget how to act like it. He looked down at them, barely registering the brief shaking of their heads. “I thought we were gonna do better?” Billie looked up like she was going to say something, but Flo nudged her. “Come on, talk to me.” They were quickly coming upon their house, but Vince wanted them to explain themselves, at least a little bit.

“We were taking a walk so we didn’t fight anyone. We didn’t mean to skip.” Billie said, even though Flo looked like she was going to tackle her sister. Vince raised his eyebrows. They were trying to stay out of trouble.

“Taking a walk? What happened? Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” He stopped in front of the gate and stood in front of them. “Tom, go on inside and tell Papa we’re home. We’ll be inside in a mo.” He just trudged along up the side steps to the door. “So what happened?” Vince sat on the porch and waited for them to speak. It was a few minutes of mindless fidgeting before either of them finally spoke.

“Suzanna called me dumb, but I ignored it like you said.” Billie said softly, “And then Jonathan said it was because we weren’t real kids.” She looked tired.

“They keep saying that you aren’t our dad. That we were made by a scientist because we don’t have a mum.” Flo pushed her hair back and glared at the ground.

“ That’s what they’ve been saying?” Vince suddenly felt like breaking something. “God.” He pulled them to sit next to him. “Alright, what happened next? You both decided to walk it off?” They both nodded and scooted in closer to him.

“Flo wanted to hit Jonathan and I wanted to pull Suzanna’s hair, but we didn’t and we still got in trouble.” Billie grumbled against his shoulder.

“It’s bullshit.” Flo punched her own leg and scowled. “We even told Miss Hill, but she just told them to stop and that only made it worse.” She stood up and stomped her feet. Vince knew the amount of anger coursing through her, he had experienced it multiple times in his life. He also knew there was nothing he could do except maybe give her something to break.

“Come on, let's head inside?” He asked after a minute. It probably was for the best for them to work with him and Tom after school until the show.

After dinner Howard helped Vince gather the dishes. The house was amazingly quiet for the first time in, what felt like, years. The girls had been sent to their room after dinner, Tom was reading quietly in his room, and Pearl was chewing on a teething cracker in her highchair.

“So, what happened with the girls?” Howard asked, quietly so they couldn’t hear him talking about them. Vince filled the sink to wash their bowls, trying to collect his words carefully. If what those kids had said had hurt him , he knew it would nearly ruin Howard.

“They’ve been fighting at school because two of the kids keep saying horrible things to them.” Vince sighed and plunged his hands into the hot water. “At first we figured that they just had terrible tempers or they were overreacting or whatever, but Billie and Flo told me some of the things they say, and it’s horrible , Howard.” He shook his head.

“Alright, so what do we do about it?” Howard crossed his arms and leaned against the counter. Classic Howard, looking past the problem and trying to find a solution.

“Greg said that instead of suspending them he wants to put them in an after school activity. I suggested they help me and Tom with the play, and he liked that.” Vince sighed, “You know,” He turned to face Howard, “I thought…” Vince paused and shook his head like he knew his thought was ridiculous, “I just thought that when we had kids they would be cooler than we were. I really thought things had changed enough that they wouldn’t be outcasts because of us .” Howard gave Pearl another cracker and frowned.

“Vince, kids are always going to be assholes.” Howard sat down on a chair at the table, watching Vince closely as he turned back to the sink to finish the dishes.

“Yeah, great, Howard. But they could get picked on for dressing funny, or having weird hair like I did. Getting picked on for something that has nothing to do with them is just… bullshit .” Vince left the sink, still full of water, and moved to sit on Howard’s lap. The last couple days had been exhausting. Hearing that the shitty children at school called the girls Failed Science Experiments felt like the icing on the cake. “I’m so glad I don’t have anything to do tomorrow.” he mumbled against Howard’s shoulder. He felt Howard laugh softly and his hands come up to rest on his sides.

“Go to bed, Vince.” He pinched his side. “I’ll finish up here, and put her to bed.” Vince sat up and frowned.

“I was hoping to spend time with you. I feel like I haven’t seen you in days.” he pushed his fingers through Howard’s hair.

“I can see you tomorrow. You look dead, go.” Howard made a good point. Vince stood and stretched his arms over his head. “Take a bath or something, and then get some sleep.”

-()-

Vince had been awake for three full days. The costumes, that were once very plain, had become a pain in his ass, almost literally. He needed to get a better desk chair. A sharp jab forced his eyes back open. He tucked his finger into his mouth and sulked for a moment. The rate at which he had stabbed himself had only gotten higher with every hour he sat up sewing.

“Vince?” Howard stepped down the hallway into the kitchen. Vince had been barricaded in the laundry corner ever since his fabric came in. He had to get the costumes done before the dress rehearsal that evening. “It’s nearly 4, come to bed.” He felt Howard’s hand land on his shoulder, snapping him out of another minor doze.

“I can’t. I have two more costumes to finish modifying before tonight.” He felt himself start drifting again as he listed all the different things he had to do. He didn’t even fight as Howard pulled the fabric and needle out of his hand. “And then I have to-” Howard hoisted him over his shoulder, “-attach the lining because Abby said it was too…. itchy….” Vince was falling asleep rapidly. His weight off his own feet, feeling his hips digging into Howard’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Howard’s soft middle. It felt a bit strange being upside down, but he was beyond caring about feeling strange. The next thing Vince was aware of was the feeling of his bed beneath his back. Howard pulled the duvet up over him and moved around to get in bed as well.

“You’ve been awake far too long, Vince. You need to rest.” He tucked his hands around Vince and pulled him to lay against his chest. Vince opened his mouth to argue but he was preempted by a yawn.

“I ‘spose a few minutes won’t hurt anything.” He felt his body melting into the mattress, “Promise to wake me when you get up.” Howard sighed but didn’t respond. He just tucked Vince up closer to him, and tried to keep him from waking up.

Vince shot upright. He was too well rested to have not overslept. He reached over and checked his phone. 4:30pm? He jumped out of bed and ran out into the living room. Howard was sitting in his armchair reading while all the kids sat at the table doing homework.

“You bastard! You were supposed to wake me up! I have work to do before tonight and now I don’t have time!” Vince stomped over to his table and noticed everything was cleared off. “Howard, where are my things?” Vince glared at him. He had to get this work done. This wasn’t like when he had a personal project and just chose not to sleep. He had a deadline, and Howard was impeding him.

“They’re packed up in your bag, ready to go when you are.” Howard looked up from his book slowly, meeting Vince’s eyes by the end of his sentence. “I finished the last two costumes for you. You wrote down all the measurements and I followed them exactly, you have nothing to worry about.” Vince was a perfectionist, it wasn’t good enough until he knew that he couldn’t do better.

“Oh, great, I’m gonna have to rip out all the stitches before I can redo them, setting me back even -” Vince was starting to go off on an angry tirade, practically seeing red, only being stopped by Tom.

“I watched Papa do it. It looked good.” He said in a small voice. Vince looked at him and froze in the middle of his rant, noticing everyone looking at him.

“Yeah! He let me and Flo help too.” Billie smiled at him, looking up from her math homework. He glanced around, from the baby on the floor, to his partner sitting in his armchair looking as apologetic as possible, to the kids at the table.

“Sorry.” He felt his cheeks get red. “I must be tired, or something.” He felt embarrassed for his outburst. “Thank you for trying to help, Howard.” He still moved to his bag to check Howard’s work. Much to his relief it was decent.

“It’s alright.” Howard said softly. “You need to start sleeping again, Vince.” Vince heard Howard’s book close. “You have your dress rehearsal tonight, then Friday is opening night as well as the first day of winter break. You should be alive for it.” Howard was good at keeping Vince alive, Vince just wished he didn’t have to rely on him so much.

“After today we’re done until the show anyway.” Vince sat on the couch and tucked his legs up under himself. He was worried about dress rehearsal, but so long as Jane could remember all of her lines, they should be okay. 

Vince, Tom, Billie, and Flo made their way to the school. The backdrops had all been painted by the girls (with the help of Vince and Howard), Tom was very good at stage direction, and Vince was doing basically everything else. 

When Mr. Davies was talking about the other parents getting involved; he didn't seem to realize how much the other parents simply wouldn’t want to be at the school after hours. Vince had to put his foot down. By the third rehearsal Vince put a new rule into action after all the parents left their kids. There weren’t that many roles, but he didn’t want to be in charge of 14 eight year old kids at once. He could barely be in charge of the two he had to be in charge of.

“Alright, everyone go change into your costumes, and tell me if they still don’t fit. I can fix them while we run through the play.” He called out while handing out the small stacks of fabric. Eventually everyone came filtering back in, dressed and ready to perform for a theater of 8 people. “Bill! Curtain!” Vince called to her. She let it loose so it would close all the way. He waited for the intro music. “Flo!” He called, watching them open. Jane stepped out on stage and mumbled her line, clearly nervous. “Jane, chin up, love. You’re the star of the show. Be loud and clear.” He smiled at her. “Try the line again.” he held his breath and waited for her to run it again.

They’re just eight year olds, they’re just eight year olds, they’re just eight year olds

Vince kept having to remind himself. If the line wasn’t delivered perfectly it didn’t ruin the whole show. About halfway through that run he glanced back and noticed Mr. Horne and Mr. Davies sitting towards the back. He waved a bit and tried to smile at them. He hadn’t had to speak to them since Greg condemned the girls to theatre duty, though Vince supposed that was a good sign.

The kids took their final bow and waited on the stage for feedback. He was impressed, honestly. It wasn’t a short play and these kids hadn’t participated in any drama club events before this.

“Well done!” He clapped. “Do you all feel comfortable with everything? It’s not too late. We can change stuff.” Everyone seemed happy with their roles. “How about you, little man?” Vince asked Tom, who was seated next to him. “Look how you imagined it?” Tom nodded, thrilled about the show so far. “Alright! We’re ready, guys!”

Opening night, Vince experienced worse anxiety than he ever had doing arena tours. He was wringing his hands together, sitting in his seat on the front row. His tie was too tight, making him feel like he was suffocating. He had helped the stagehands set up, and ran them all by their cues again. He put Flo and Billie in charge of the four other kids back there before returning to his place between Howard and Tom.

“Are you nervous?” Vince leaned down and asked. Tom nodded, but didn’t seem to give his nerves a second thought. “This is gonna be great.” he said, more to himself than anyone else. “It’ll go so well and I’ll never commit to doing this ever again.” He ran a hand through his hair and watched the lights dim.

“Good evening everyone!” Mr. Davies stood up on stage and waved to everyone. He introduced the play, giving Vince and Tom praise, before turning and starting the show. Vince held his breath through most of the first half, knowing that was the rockiest part. The kids were so nervous at first, Jane’s words running together, but by the middle of the play she seemed more comfortable.

Just as Vince started to relax he heard a bit of fussing. Howard bounced Pearl a bit and offered her something to chew on. She frowned and pushed it away with a rather loud grunt.

“Sorry.” Howard whispered, standing up and trying to get out of the room before too many more cries came from her. Vince nodded at him and turned his attention back to the stage.

The sleepless nights, the stress, the confusion, all of it, was worth it in the end, though he would’ve preferred if Howard had seen the whole thing as well. Vince watched everyone clap for the kids, including himself and Tom. He jumped up and ran backstage to usher the stagehands onto the stage for a bow as well. He held his hand out for a high five to each of the kids as they came off stage.

“You all did brilliantly!” He was so happy for them all. They all stood in a circle around him, smiling and clapping for themselves. “I’m so proud of each of you, really. You pulled it off!” He ushered them all out to find their parents before turning to his own. “I’m infinitely proud of you two. You haven’t been in trouble in two weeks. We should go to dinner to celebrate. Reckon we can convince Papa?” The girls laughed and grabbed a hand each.

“Can we have pasta?” Flo asked. Billie nodded and added something about garlic bread. Vince simply laughed and led them out to the hallway where Howard and Tom were waiting for them.

Chapter Text

New Years Day

Vince woke up with a blinding headache. He didn’t even drink that much the night before, and he knew for sure he drank water in between rounds. He and Howard had gone to a pub with his band and their significant others to drink in relative peace and talk over the plans for the next year, but somewhere along the way they had all wound up drunker than they meant to be. He couldn’t even remember ringing in the new year.

Vince couldn’t fall back to sleep. He picked up his phone to check the time. If it had been long enough he could pull himself out of bed and find something to do. Unfortunately, it was barely 3am and they had only been home for an hour. How did he feel so dead already?

“Alright?” Howard groaned from next to him. Vince gave an exaggerated sob. He dropped his phone on his chest and covered his face with his hands. “Me too.” Vince moved to pull the duvet over himself, but he paused. His head was spinning.

“Are we still…?” Vince trailed off and started peeling his jacket off. He looked at Howard and noticed he was still wearing his club clothes too. He managed to get his coat off before leaning towards Howard. He moved Howard to sit up against the headboard.

“Vince, no. It’s too late.” He lazily tried to push Vince away from him, but Vince persisted. Vince barely managed to get one arm out of the sleeve before Howard pushed him away again. “Vince, I said no .” He groaned softly. Vince rolled his eyes and moved to straddle Howard’s hips.

“I’m not tryin to fuck you, Howard.” Vince pulled the jacket off all the way and tossed it to the floor with his own. He turned himself around to reach for Howard’s shoes.

“I don’t want to.” He bucked Vince off leaving him sprawled on his own side of the bed. Vince's head was swimming, he was clearly still drunk but it was more important to make them both comfortable. He turned onto his side and grabbed at Howard’s foot.

“Fuck off, Howard. I’m tryin to get your shoes off so you don’t get the duvet dirty.” Vince managed to pull one of Howard’s boots off before Howard started kicking at him. Vince blindly grabbed at the final booted foot while Howard continued to protest.

“We’re too drunk, Vince. Come on .” He pressed his socked foot to Vince’s chest to keep him away from his other foot.

“Fine. Jesus. You can wash the sheets after you get your nasty shoes all over the place.” Vince rolled off the bed to pull the rest of his own clothes off. He pulled on his pajama pants and crawled under the duvet to get warm again. Howard groaned and pulled his pillow over his head. “Go to sleep, Howard.” Vince felt Howard’s arms wrap around his middle after a few minutes of rustling. “I thought you were mad at me.” Vince raised his eyebrows and glanced over his shoulder. Howard rubbed his nose against Vince’s while he registered Vince’s words.

“I’m not mad .” He tightened his grip around Vince. “I just don’t want to have sex.” Vince rolled his eyes.

“I was trying to get your dirty shoes off your feet before you ruined the sheets, Howard.” Vince felt too sick to feel guilty about trying to force Howard out of his clothes. “We aren’t drinking ever again.” He made sure the blanket was tucked around himself before finally managing to crash out for the second time.

When Vince woke again it was only a few hours later. He never slept well after being hammered and this was no exception. He felt a cold chill seep down his back as his stomach turned.

“Oh, fuck.” He grumbled, moving to sprint into his and Howard’s bathroom. He hadn’t vomited from drinking in a while. He forgot how badly it sucked. Once he was sure his stomach was empty he stood and stumbled to the sink. He scooped water into his mouth a few times before grabbing the mouthwash. 

Vince looked at himself in the mirror while he swished the harsh blue liquid around his mouth. He looked rough. His hair was all swept to the side like an emo kid with his mascara running halfway down his cheeks to match. He pulled a makeup wipe out of the drawer next to him to start wiping off whatever was left of his makeup. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Howard stumbled into the room. He was tugging at his tie while struggling to keep his eyes open.

“This fucking tie.” He growled, continuing to pull at the knot. Vince spat into the basin and turned around to properly look at his husband. He rolled his eyes and swatted Howard’s hands away.

“Stop. You’re going to choke yourself.” Vince croaked. He managed to get the tie off as well as unbutton Howard’s top two buttons after a bit of struggling. Howard had managed to tighten the knot beyond recognition before Vince got to it.

“Thank you, little man.” Howard groaned. He shed his shirts and leaned over to fill the tub. “I haven’t checked but I don’t think anyone is up yet so I’m going to take a bath to get my soul back into my body.” Vince laughed softly and jumped up on the bathroom counter.

“What time is it?” Vince checked his pockets and noticed he had left his phone on the bed. Vince could see the sunlight through the windows in the bathroom, but he couldn’t tell how early it was. Howard shrugged as he eased himself into the hot bath.

“Sometime around 6.” Howard closed his eyes with a sigh. “Sorry I yelled at you. I should’ve let you take my shoes off.” He said quietly. Vince bit back a laugh. “For some reason I thought you were coming onto me and I just kept thinking about how I didn’t want to have to clean up the mess.” Vince did laugh at that.

“Oh, so it wasn’t that you didn’t want me, you just didn’t want to make a mess of the sheets. Even though there is definitely a huge mud stain at the foot of the duvet now.” He shook his head and smiled at Howard.

“Yeah yeah, I was off my head.” He opened one eye and watched Vince lean against the mirror. “New Year, New Bedding?” Howard asked with a sigh. Vince rolled his eyes and smiled.

“Yeah, why not? New Year, New Bedding for everyone.” He got down and moved into the hallway to check on everyone. It was the first New Years Eve that the kids got to (attempt) to stay up all night, so they were all sleeping in rather late. 

Vince peeked in the first door he came to. Tom was wrapped up to his nose in his blanket. Vince noticed he was laying weird and his light was still on, but the reason was quickly uncovered. He stepped into the room and pulled the book out from under his son’s shoulder. It was one of Howard’s old dusty books from the living room shelves. He cracked the spine and tried to read it but the letters swirled together almost immediately. He closed the book and set it on Tom’s bedside table. As he leaned down to click off his lamp he pressed a kiss to Tom’s forehead.

The next doorway was Billie and Flo. They were both in Billie’s bed in the back corner and neither of them were in their pajamas. Vince noticed they were both facing the alarm clock on Billie’s bedside. He figured they tried to stay awake and watch the clock roll over, but failed.

He knew he was likely going to pull something trying to lift an eleven year old but he leaned down and picked up Flo anyway. She was every bit as heavy as he thought she was going to be. He turned and struggled to move her even the three feet separating their beds. He somehow managed to lay her down and cover her up without waking her or throwing his back out too badly. He kissed Flo’s forehead and turned to Billie.

“Dad?” Billie asked quietly. She sounded as dead as he felt. He smiled at her softly and moved to tuck her in as well.

“Go back to sleep. It’s early and you were up late.” he kissed her head and stood to walk away.

“Dad? When did you get home?” She whispered. He turned back to her and put his hands on his hips.

“I was definitely out past curfew. Me and Papa got home a few hours ago. But it’s still night time. You can sleep.” She settled back into her bed and closed her eyes back. One last room to check.

He stepped into Pearl’s room and crossed his arms. She was sitting up in her bed making little lights float through the air, flashing softly across the room. Vince had caught her doing it in her sleep, but she was slowly becoming capable of doing it awake as well. No other weird magic things happened with her, as far as he could tell. When he mentioned it to Naboo he seemed properly surprised that she could do anything interesting. 

He stood in her doorway and watched the lights move around the room, occasionally softly colliding and breaking off into smaller lights. Before he could wonder if she had noticed him she spoke up.

“Hi Daddy.” She sighed and rubbed her face. Vince stepped towards her with a small smile on his face. He sat in the chair across from her and watched the lights change colors. “Time to get up?” She looked at him with a sleepy smile but Vince only shook his head.

“No, Pearly. It’s too early to get up.” He looked around for another minute. “How do you do that?” She shrugged and laid back in her bed. “You’re insane, you know that?” Vince reached out to touch a light but it disappeared before he could.

“Hot. It burns you.” She waved her hands the way Howard and Vince would when they warned her against hot things. Vince nodded and took her warning, keeping his fingers to himself.

“Happy new year, Pearly.” He slid himself to the floor and laid back on her carpet. The lights were oddly calming. Vince found it was nearly impossible to stay awake any longer. He let his eyes close slowly as the lights faded out along with Pearl’s consciousness.

Easter

“Dad, why do we have to go to church ?” Billie tugged at the bottom of her dress. “We’ve never gone before.” Vince pushed her hand away from the hem. He had spent most of the last week making her dress.

“Stop fidgeting, you’re gonna rip the stitching.” He put the final pin in her hair and reached for the hairspray. “We’re going to church because Aunt Charlotte is marrying her girlfriend.” He tapped her hip to get her to turn towards him. “Why they’re getting married on Easter is another question entirely.” he uncapped the spray, “Face.” She covered her face with her hands as he started spraying her hair. He worked too hard on that updo for it to fall halfway through the service. “Can you get your little sister?” He double checked his supplies before deciding he had enough to do Pearl’s hair as well.

“Do you have to?” Pearl covered her head with her hands and scrunched her face. Vince sighed.

“I won’t brush it. I’m just going to give you two bunches.” He put the hairbrush on the other end of the couch as a gesture of good will. “Just to keep your hair out of your face.”

“Promise?” She crossed her arms and frowned. Vince nodded, promising to not comb through it but she still didn’t get closer to him. Hair brushing was an activity left solely for bathtime, when it was easiest for him, and they could use as much detangler as he needed.

“I’ll let you wear some lipstick if you sit still for me.” He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at her. She might’ve been equally Howards, but the interest in makeup started young for all of Vince’s kids. She nodded and sat down in his lap. “Are you excited to see Aunt Charlotte?” The kids hadn’t seen Charlotte for a little while, so getting to go to her wedding was exciting for them. She nodded again even though he was creating one of the bunches. He sighed as all the hair he had in his hand slipped. “That was my fault, I suppose.” He restarted the bunch while she talked about her dress. He made it to her very specific requests, and he had apparently nailed it.

“…and it's swishy.” She wiggled again, making Vince drop some hair again. Her hair wasn’t too terribly long, but it curled tighter than Howard’s did, making it harder to work with.

“I’m very glad, love. You need to sit still or we’ll never finish.” He put a hand flat on her head until she stopped wiggling.

“Can we go egg hunting after the wedding?” Tom asked. He was dressed in a suit reading a book in Howard’s chair. He had been ready for quite a bit while the girls ran around and gathered the last of their shoes and got their hair done. Howard had slicked Tom’s hair back so he looked like a “distinguished gentleman”, much to Vince’s disappointment. Tom’s hair was beautiful and didn’t need to be flattened to his skull.

“That’s how he wants his hair, Vince.” Howard had said before Vince could throw a fit. Vince reluctantly resigned and let Tom do what he wanted.

“We’ll do something later. We wouldn’t let Easter go by without at least giving you all some sort of chocolate.” Vince spritzed an antifrizz spray into Pearl’s hair and told her she was done. Vince stretched gently and stood. Doing everyone’s hair hurt his back every time, and yet he never adjusted his posture while doing it. He picked up his mug and took a gulp of his coffee just as Howard came from the back of the house, fully dressed and ready to go. 

His hair was cut short and his stubble was one day from being out of control. Vince should’ve known how seeing Howard dressed up would affect him. Vince could’ve been properly wound up if he wasn’t so worried about three hyperactive children sitting still for thirty minutes.

“You look nice.” Vince smiled, stepping up to put a hand on Howard’s chest. “Better than nice really. Like James Bond, or something.” Howard leaned toward him and gave him a kiss that ended far too soon for Vince’s liking.

“Are you almost ready? It’s nearly time to go.” Vince looked down at his clothes. He was wearing his dress pants and boots, but his top half was still in his sleep shirt. He groaned softly.

“I’m not almost ready. I had a small line of ladies with appointments to handle.” Vince turned toward the hall to leave and get ready, leaving Howard with the kids. “Are you ready?” He asked the room. Tom gave a thumbs up without looking away from his paragraph, while the girls stopped spinning in their dresses long enough to smile at him and nod. “You’re sure? Absolutely positive? We’re going to be gone for a little while.” He watched Billie and Flo glance at each other before running back down the hall.

He sat on the couch and rolled his eyes. Pearl went back to spinning around lazily while Tom read. Howard watched the little light bubbles reappear around her while her spinning slowed down. Howard and Vince were only slightly worried about what else the little girl could do, but so far there was nothing besides the lights.

“Okay!” Vince came back down the hall, his hair was refluffed along with his makeup touched up. “Are we ready?” He clapped his hands together with a grin. Howard nodded and watched Vince scoop up Pearl and toss her over his shoulder. “Girls!” He called back down the hall. He heard the sound of the girls clamoring down the hall before they appeared. Vince tried not to be irritated at Flo’s hair already falling down around her face. It wasn’t like it was her fault.

They all climbed into the car for the quick drive to the church. The church was definitely close enough to walk, but the last thing Vince and Howard wanted to do was walk home at sunset with four exhausted kids.

“Okay. Ears up.” Howard said, throwing the car into park. The parking lot was strangely empty for a religious holiday. “I know you haven’t really been to church, but I need you guys to be at your best behavior. Tom, book stays in the car until the reception. Billie and Flo, please don’t cause trouble. Pearl, don’t wander away. You stay with either me or Dad, okay?” He watched her nod before unlocking the doors. “Don’t run straight inside, just wait at the car for us to get out too.” It was times like this that Vince was glad for Howard. He did crowd control like nobody’s business. Vince was good at the one on one stuff, but if you needed a small group spoken to, Mr. Moon was your man.

Vince watched Howard lift Pearl onto his shoulder as they made their way into the church. Vince glanced around with a frown. He wasn’t sure how Charlotte and Mack managed to get a church on Easter Sunday until he reached the sanctuary. There were ladders and tarps all over the place, hanging off the pediments and all the statues. The church was clearly under renovation and likely closed to most events.

Howard led them to a row towards the back to get everyone settled. Vince was glad he wasn’t part of the wedding party based solely on the way the kids were acting from the moment they all sat down.

“Dad, how long until the wedding starts?” Flo asked.

“Yeah, we have to go to the toilet.” Billie leaned towards him with a frown.

“Are you guys going to the toilet? I need to go too.” Tom cut in before Vince could answer any of them.

“Where even is the toilet?” Flo spoke again. Billie and Tom spoke at the same time, still not letting Vince get a word in.

“Vince!” Mack’s voice cut through the amalgamation of his children, breaking whatever spell they had managed to put him under. She waved him over from where she stood a few rows in front of them. Vince glanced at Howard and excused himself, leaving the kids to bug Howard for a few minutes. “You guys clean up great!” She punched his shoulder with a smile that quickly faded.

“Yeah, you look great too.” He barely managed to finish his sentence before she cut in again. He was getting kinda sick of people interrupting him.

 “Listen, I need you or Howard to go check on Charlotte. She’s due out here any minute but her Mum bailed last minute and she was having a hard time dealing with it earlier. I just need someone she trusts to go see her, but I can’t do it for obvious reasons, but I'm worried about her.” She looked serious. Vince frowned, he knew what family rejection was like, so he figured he should be the one to go.

“Where is she?” He ran his hand through his hair and listened to Mack’s directions to the Bridal Suite.

“You can’t miss it, I promise it’s easier to get to than it sounds.” She was wringing her hands nervously. “Vince?” She stopped him before he could walk back to Howard. “Give her this?” She pulled him down by the back of the neck and pressed a frantic kiss to his lips.

It was far from the first time he had kissed the bassist of his band (and, likely, far from the last), but it still surprised him when she pushed her tongue into his mouth. When she pulled away she smiled and attempted to swipe the stray lipstick from the corner of his mouth. She pushed him away and turned to speak to another guest as if nothing had happened. Vince cleared his throat and started back towards Howard.

“What was that about?” Howard asked. Vince opened his mouth to answer but noticed the three older kids had vanished. “Bathroom.” Howard said before Vince could even ask. “Is Mack okay?” Vince nodded, though he added the kids roaming the church to his list of anxieties.

“She asked me to check on Charlotte.” Howard gestured for Vince to lean forward. He swiped his thumb across his bottom lip, trying to get the last of her smeared lipstick off. “Give her here, I’ll take her with me so you can go find the others if they never turn back up.” Vince held out his hands to pull Pearl to her feet.

“Hurry back so you don’t miss anything.” Howard called after him. Vince held onto Pearl’s hand and followed Mack’s directions until they reached a door to a room with Bridal Suite written on the door. Vince knocked on the door and waited for any response.

“Daddy, what are we doin here?” Pearl looked up at him with a frown. “Am I in trouble?” She asked softly. Vince leaned down and picked her up.

“Have you done anything to be in trouble?” He kissed her cheek. “You’re not in trouble. I just thought you’d like to see Aunt Charlotte with me.” She leaned forward and knocked again on the door. They waited another moment before Vince pushed the door open slowly.

“Vince!” Charlotte seemed surprised to see anyone open the door. “What… are you doing?” She wiped her face quickly, as if he wouldn’t notice, and flashed a smile. He expected her to be emotional but he wasn’t quite expecting tears.

“Mack sent me. She was afraid you were upset.” Vince set Pearl down and moved to sit next to Charlotte on the bench. She looked like she was thinking for a moment.

“Yeah.” She sighed. “I am upset, actually. I’m angry more than anything though.” He nodded and turned to face her. He glanced back at Pearl and saw her peeking inside one of the closets in the room.

“I do want you to talk about it but first I have to give you this.” He leaned forward and tried to mimic the kiss that Mack had given him. When he pulled away she laughed and rolled her eyes. “Sorry, go ahead.” She shook her head and kissed his cheek.

“I’m not surprised she gave you that.” Her smile faded rather quickly.

"Okay. Go ahead, whats bugging you?" He tried to get her back on topic. She looked down at the vanity they were sat in front of gathering her thoughts.

“I just… I figured when I finally got married my Mum would want to be there.” She shrugged. “Worse than just not coming at all, she didn’t even tell me until earlier today. She has a place card , Vince.” He tucked her hair behind her ear and tilted her face up to look at him. “I just feel…” the end of her sentence dangled for a moment.

“...almost like it’s not worth doing now because she was part of your vision.” He suggested. She nodded, surprised that he would get it.

“So, what happened to you? Your mum didn’t show up to your graduation or something?” She had no idea what she was asking him, but why would she? He did a very good job not talking about her. Vince swallowed his pride and nodded.

“My mother wouldn’t have come to my birth if she didn’t have to.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Point is, sometimes the people you choose are better than the people you’re born with.” She looked concerned for a moment before agreeing. “Close your eyes. Your makeup is in a terrible state.” He picked up her makeup remover and started wiping off her smeared eyeliner.

“Would you invite your mum if you and Howard ever had a wedding?” She asked softly. Vince knew she wanted him to say yes, she wanted the reassurance that she should still want to see her mother, but he wasn’t sure he could give her that.

“Char, I lived in London with my mother until I was 13. The whole time my mother referred to me as ‘V’ because she couldn’t remember my name.” He didn’t like talking about his childhood. “My being gay means nothing to my mother because I mean nothing to my mother. She simply squeezed me out and moved on.” She opened the eye he wasn’t in the process of clearing and looked at his face. “I’ve met your mum though. She’s nice. She knows who you are. Wanting her here is the logical thing, and her not coming is the wrong thing.” He put the, now dirty, cotton pad on the counter and picked up her eyeshadow.

“Your mum sounds like an asshole.” she chuckled. “Sorry, that’s not fair. I didn’t know her.” Vince shook his head at her, even though her eyes were closed again.

“Don’t worry about it. She was an asshole.” He glanced over at Pearl, who was now laying on the floor looking at the painted ceiling talking to herself. “She’s dead now. Overdosed about six months after I was moved to Leeds.” She pulled back from him and opened her eyes.

“When you were 13?” She looked sad for him. He nodded.

“Yeah, when the closest thing you do to eating is smoking crystal meth and you only drink cheap vodka you’re bound to overdose at some point. Keep your eyes closed.” She did as he asked and hummed softly.

“Makes me feel better about my mum.” She said, “Though I’m still mad at her.” Vince nodded in agreement.

“Oh, Celine will be hearing quite an earful from me, that’s for sure.” Vince shook his head. “I suppose maybe it’s different for mothers , but I couldn’t imagine simply not going to one of my children’s weddings.” Charlotte laughed softly.

“Since I technically mothered your kids, I promise it’s not. I would never miss our kid’s weddings. Unless, of course, they asked me not to be there. They retain that right, I suppose.” Vince picked up her mascara and opened it.

“Of course they do, but they love you. I can’t imagine they wouldn’t want you there.” Putting mascara on someone else was always hard, but Vince was finding his hand was shaking more than usual. He almost never spoke about his mother anymore leaving him jarred around the edges.

“Vince?” Charlotte opened her eyes and put her hand over his. “I can do that part.” She took the wand from him gently and kissed his cheek again. He nodded and sat away from her. “Hey.” She put her hand on his cheek. “Thank you.” He smiled and looked back at Pearl. She held her hands above herself, clearly imagining something amazing.

“Are you ready to go back and sit with Papa?” He watched Pearl roll onto her front and smile at him.

“I’m ready.” She pushed herself onto her feet and walked over to where Vince and Charlotte were still sitting.

“God, who knew that you and Howard could make such a beautiful kid.” Charlotte brushed a hand down Pearl’s cheek. “What do the others think about her? She’s so different from them.” Vince shook his head.

“I don’t think they’ve noticed. Except for her little magic tricks, but they’ve all seen magic before.” Vince smiled at her. “None of them know how babies are born anyway, so Pearl joining us via Naboo didn’t seem strange to them. As far as they know that's how all babies happen.” Pearl laid her head in his lap and sighed softly.

“Magic tricks?” Charlotte asked. Vince opened his mouth to respond but she cut him off. “Shit! Shit shit shit shit!” She stood and ran to her shoes as fast as she could. “I cannot believe you made me late for my wedding!” She laughed frantically. “Come on!” She opened the door and waited for them to follow. Vince picked up Pearl and followed her into the hallway. “Go on to your seats. I’ll see you afterwards.” She kissed Vince and Pearl one more time before letting them go.

Vince was relieved to see the older three back in their seats when he and Pearl made it back. The music was already playing, causing Vince to stress a bit at being late returning.

“Is everything okay?” Howard asked quietly. Vince nodded and dropped a hand across the back of the bench. 

“Just anxiety. She’s fine.” Vince turned to face the front. He felt a sad smile creep across his face as he felt Howard’s hand cover his.

Day of Summer/Trip to the Zoo

Howard Moon woke up on the first day of the second week of summer break to the sound of loud Gary Newman music blasting from the kitchen. He groaned and rolled over to check the time. It was nearly 10am, meaning he had ignored his alarm for the fourth day in a row. One glance over his shoulder told him that Vince wasn’t in bed anymore, and was likely the source of the music. Vince had the summer off work and he was enjoying every minute of it. Howard was positive, even before he got up, that Vince and the kids were all having a dance party while they made breakfast. It shouldn’t irritate him, but he found that it did.

Howard rolled over and covered his head with his pillow. He needed some time to himself. He had been around the kids and Vince all day every day for the last two weeks, and it was slowly driving him crazy. He was plotting his escape when there was a soft knock at the door.

“Howard?” Vince’s voice was as soft as the knock. “Are you awake yet?” Howard felt the bed dip down from Vince’s weight. He put a warm hand on Howard’s side and dipped closer to move the pillow away from Howard’s face. “You are awake.” He smiled, making Howard feel worse for being irritated.

“I need to get out of here.” Howard mumbled to himself. “Could you back up?” Vince pulled his face back, but his hand stayed where it was. “Completely? Can you stop touching me, please?” Howard could hear the shortness in his own tone and grimaced. “I feel like I’ve been touched by someone every single moment of the last few days and I am about to lose it.” Vince pulled back with a frown.

“I was just coming to tell you that we made breakfast, and Tom really wants you to try his experimental Waffle-Omelette-Combo.” Vince sounded a bit hurt, but Howard pushed it aside. There was a moment of silence before Vince spoke up again. “Do you want me to take the kids out for the day? Let you have some Howard-Time?” Howard watched Vince’s hands twist in his lap, clearly struggling with not touching.

“That does sound nice, actually. Would you mind terribly?” Howard was really only asking as a pleasantry. Vince offered the number one thing he truly desired, he wasn’t about to let it slip through his grasp so easily. “Because, honestly I’m dead tired and I don’t want to snap at them.” Vince nodded. “Unless you don’t think you could manage. Which is fine! Don’t worry about it if-” Vince cut him off with a frown.

“I think I can handle a day out with them.” He shook his head. “Just come have breakfast and I’ll get them all ready to go out. We’ll go to the park or something.” Vince stood up and walked back out of the room, leaving Howard to overthink what he said.

Howard finally rolled out of bed and rubbed his face. His trip down the hallway didn’t take nearly as long as he wanted it to, though as he approached the table he noticed the music was turned down considerably lower.

“Try to keep it down, Papa has a headache.” He heard Vince say to the kids. “After we eat, I want you to all get dressed in something comfortable because we’re going out for the day.” He heard the kids cheer before Vince shushed them again. “Quiet, quiet . Think about what you all want to do and let me know after we eat.”

“Good morning, Papa.” Flo stage whispered at him. He smiled at her and sat in his seat. Vince put his plate in front of him and dropped a mug of coffee as well. Vince seemed upset with Howard, though it was pretty decently hidden.

“Tom made the omlette. Make sure to tell him how you like it.” Vince walked back down the hall towards their bedroom and closed the door. Howard frowned, but he let him go. 

Vince understood Howard needing time to himself, but the implication that Vince couldn’t handle the kids was what really ticked him off. He turned on the shower and pulled his shirt over his head. Vince tried not to be annoyed by Howard’s lack of communication but he still found himself scrubbing his scalp harder than normal. They had made a deal to tell one another when they were starting to feel exhausted but Howard hadn’t done that. Vince let out a rough breath and rinsed his hair.

“It’s not Howard’s fault.” He whispered to himself. “Howard is allowed to feel burnt out.” He felt like he was trying to convince himself out of a fit. “He didn’t mean that you couldn’t handle your own kids.” He rinsed his hair for the second time. “He was just trying to make sure you wanted to take them.” He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He ran a hand over his jaw. His stubble was beginning to come through again. He tucked his towel around his hips and picked up Howard’s electric razor. Vince knew the longer he was in the bathroom, the longer the kids had to decide what they were doing that day.

“Hey.” Vince glanced over, noticing Howard leaning against the wall next to the counter. “The kids said they wanted to go to a zoo.” He didn’t quite meet Vince’s eye as he spoke. Vince ran a hand across his own cheek to make sure he didn’t miss anywhere before putting the razor down.

“Great. Are they getting ready to go then?” Vince turned toward Howard and watched him nod. Vince picked up his toothbrush and tried to ignore Howard until we went away, but it was taking longer than he anticipated. “Can I help you?” He asked through his toothbrush.

“I’m just…” Howard frowned at him and let his sentence trail away with a loose shrug.

“Cool, can you just somewhere else? I’m trying to get ready to leave.” Vince spat into the sink and ran the water to rinse his mouth. When he stood back up Howard hadn’t moved. “What?” He asked.

“You don’t have to take them out.” Howard said quietly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s fine .” Vince glared at him through the mirror. Howard got the distinct impression that it was not fine. “I don’t mind taking them out. What I do mind is you not speaking up sooner.” Vince pushed his way into the bedroom and pulled out some clothes to put on. Howard followed him slowly. “It’s fine that you need a day, but now I feel like an asshole for not noticing.” Howard sat on the edge of the bed and nodded but he didn’t say anything.

Vince got dressed in silence, waiting to see if Howard was going to say anything to him. Once he pulled his jeans on he turned to face Howard again.

“We’ll go to the zoo, and then get dinner. Let me know if you want us to get you something to eat while we’re out.” Vince pulled his shirt over his head. His hair was still wet when he pulled it back, but he couldn’t find it in him to care enough to blow dry it. He would get home all sweaty anyway and need to rewash it. Vince pulled on his shoes and looked back at Howard, who was sitting on his side of the bed reading a book. “I’m leaving now.” Vince leaned against the open door expecting Howard to apologize, or say anything really. Howard just waved without looking up.

Vince rolled his eyes and left the room, slamming the door behind him. He threw on his Dad face, and made his way down the hall to where the kids were bouncing off the walls waiting to leave.

The walk to the local zoo was relatively painless, much to Vince’s relief. Howard had put him on edge, but he was determined to not take it out on the kids. He could handle the four kids, for sure. He had already managed to get them to all put on sunscreen, and they all had on shoes. He felt he had already proven he was capable.

While standing in line to buy their tickets Vince thought back to the last time he went to a zoo. He knew Flo and Billie had been to the zoo, but they were very small. Tom and Pearl had definitely never been which made the trip all the more exciting. Vince used to spend nearly every day here, and since they opened back up things were infinitely better. Turns out, without Dixon Bainbridge continually looking for a new way to make money, Bob Fossil was a decent Zoo Manager. Bob Fossil’s Fun World , formerly the Zooniverse , was actually fun , and Fossil was still just enough of an idiot to allow for some wild stunts.

-_ATTENTION ZOO… PEOPLE, THIS IS BOBBY BOB BOB SPEAKING STRAIGHT TO YOU FROM A FUNNEL. WE ARE HAVING A SPIDER WEAVING CONTEST IN THE PAVILLION IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. IF NO ONE SHOWS UP I’M KILLING A SPIDER._-

“Daddy, is he really going to kill a spider?” Pearl looked worried. Vince laughed softly and shook his head.

“Bob doesn’t know how to kill spiders. He used to have to call Papa to take care of the ones that would stray into his office.” Vince stepped up to the window and asked for five tickets. “I’m surprised he managed to get the zoo back in order though. There were quite a few lawsuits stacked against the place.”

“Are you Vince Noir?” The guy at the window asked. Vince nodded. “Oh, shit. Mr. Fossil has tickets put aside for you. I always thought he was crazy but I guess it’s come in handy now. One second.” Vince frowned, watching the attendant pick up his phone and tell Fossil he was there.

“Guys, listen, this guy is crazy. Don’t listen to a word he says.” Vince leaned down to talk to the kids. “Really, he just says whatever he wants.” Billie nodded.

“Mr. Fossil is that guy from all the stories!” She raised her eyebrows, “I thought he wasn’t real!” Vince pinched her cheek.

“ Everything I’ve told you is real.” Vince looked offended. Flo shook her head at him.

“What about Charlie? There’s not a giant pink bubblegum monster at your command, we would’ve seen it by now.” Vince opened his mouth to fight back but Tom jumped in.

“What about the Tundra? You couldn’t have survived out there! And you definitely can’t make friends with polar bears. They’re killers, Dad. They’ll kill you as soon as see you!” He put his hands on his hips.

“You sound just like your Dad, you know that?” Vince frowned. “Point is, I’ve done all kinds of crazy things! And all of them-” All four of his children looked skeptical, “Okay, fine, most of them were completely true! And Bob Fossil, God help us, is one of the all too real parts.” Vince straightened up and tugged at the bottom of his shirt. “Just be ready to hear some of the worst language you’ve ever experienced.”

“Vincey!” Bob’s voice cut through the small crowd of people waiting to get inside. “Oh, good. You left Howard Sucks-Ass Moon at home. It’s just the two of us.” He moved to drop a hand over Vince’s shoulders but he was stopped by the sight of four kids standing around Vince. “What’s with the fan club? A zoo is NO PLACE FOR CHILDREN. SCRAM.” He shouted at them. Vince grimaced. He and Howard did their absolute best to not yell at the kids, he had completely forgotten that that was Fossil’s favorite activity.

“Mr. Fossil, those are my kids. We came to see the new place.” Vince ruffled his own hair and leaned down to lift Pearl. He wanted to grab all of them, but he simply didn’t have enough hands to reach everyone. Fossil made a face.

“Oh? You got with a lady friend, huh? Ooh! I’m Vince Noooiiir! I got jiggy with a Lady…” He paused to count, “four times! Ooh! I’m so beautiful and everyone wants me!! SHUT UP.” Vince was regretting bringing his kids to this specific zoo.

“What is he talking about?” Pearl whispered loudly in Vince’s ear. He shrugged at her. Fossil ushred the five of them into the park even while attempting to insult Vince. Before Fossil could get too graphic he was, thankfully, called to the pavilion for the weaving contest. He left them with a map and a few last insults.

They decided on the Aquarium first since Vince used to be head of that department, but he couldn’t seem to find it on the map. He frowned and skimmed the list again. Vince frowned.

“I suppose we should start somewhere else?” He asked. Tom pulled the map down to look at it. Tom dropped his finger onto the map, pointing to the Aquarium. “Thanks.” Vince said in a small voice, and started leading the way.

“It’s okay, Dad. I couldn’t find it either.” Billie grabbed his hand and smiled up at him. Vince nodded along, hoping that the sight of the fish would help remove his frustration.

He watched the girls run up and press their faces into the big tank in front of them. There were loads of tropical fish gliding around. They had clearly redone the aquarium. The size of that tank was about the size of the original aquarium and it was beautiful. Vince glanced at Pearl, who was still perched on his hip, as her eyes grew four sizes.

“They’re so many.” She gripped his collar with one hand and reached out for the glass with the other. He watched her squint her eyes and laugh as if someone had tickled her. She shifted her hand to rest against his neck, and suddenly Vince could hear something strange.

It sounded like a large group of people speaking all at once but it was muffled. As Vince flinched back at the wave of sound he felt Pearl’s hand slip to his shoulder and the sound stopped.

“Pearly?” Vince grabbed her other hand and frowned as the sounds came back. “Do…” He wasn’t sure what the sounds were. “What’s that noise?” He finally asked. She smiled at him and put her hand on his cheek.

“The fish!” She narrowed her eyes, “Can you hear them too?” She whispered. Vince nodded and looked back at the tank.

“Can you always hear animals?” He tried not to laugh. He had always lied about understanding the animals, but for Pearl to really be able to do it was amazing. She nodded and looked at the tank.

The whole zoo was more amazing than it was when it was closed the first time. Vince made sure to keep a hold on Pearl just so he could hear the animals. They had covered more than half of the exhibits and were heading to the Aviary to round off their trip.

“Dad, can we get ice cream?” Flo asked, “It’s so hot out today, and we’ve all been really good.” The other three looked up at him with wide eyes, clearly wanting ice cream too. Vince checked his watch. It was really close to dinner. He thought for a moment before deciding that letting them have ice cream for dinner would be the perfect revenge against Howard.

“Why not?” He pulled them towards the stand and turned to read the sign. He used to have ice cream for dinner all the time, he couldn’t remember why he stopped. They stepped up to the little window and Vince let everyone order what they wanted before they stepped off to the side to wait. Vince noticed a board advertising various events that were being hosted at the park. Vince watched it cycle through before catching the advert for Porpoise Races.

“I used to do that, you know?” He gestured to the board. “I was the top porpoise jockey at one point. Fossil bet his whole life on a race from me.” Tom frowned, immediately skeptical.

“You can’t ride a porpoise, Dad.” Tom reached up to the window to take his milkshake from the lady at the window.

“No, you can’t ride a porpoise. I was a champion at it. The one race that would’ve gotten me to go pro I had to bail on because I had joined a band. Papa actually stepped in on that one, but he’s too tall to really be any good.” Vince grabbed his and Pearls from the attendant and passed hers down to her.

“Dad, we aren’t little kids anymore. We know you can’t ride a porpoise. You can’t fool us.” Flo laughed. He waited for the girls to get their sundaes before moving everyone to a table nearby.

“No really! I’ll have to see if I can find a photo. Papa had to wear my suit. It didn’t fit him, either.” Vince smiled, “If we run into Fossil again you can ask him! I was a natural.” Billie frowned.

“I didn’t like him.” She stirred her ice cream and took a bite, “I don’t know why he was being mean to you, and called Papa a lady.” She spoke through her spoon.

“That’s… Yeah.” Vince laughed softly and glanced up at the sky. “Do you guys just want to head on home? It’s been a long day.” He asked. Tom sighed loudly.

“I thought you’d never ask. I am so tired, Dad.” He slumped against Vince’s shoulder dramatically. “It’s so hot out.” Vince laughed and shook his head.

“You guys agree?” Flo and Billie shrugged and stood from their seats.

“I don’t mind so long as Papa’s head doesn’t hurt anymore. You always get mad at him when his head hurts.” Billie had ice cream smeared across her face.

“I’m not usually mad because his head hurts. He’s just a baby about it.” They each finished their treats and stood to leave. “Anything else we want to see before we leave?” There was a small chorus of ‘no’s. Vince was relieved to go home, but he was still not thrilled to go home to Howard.

They didn’t run into Fossil again, thankfully, meaning that Vince could ignore the kid’s questions and postpone the sex talk until later. He wasn’t ready for that, and he certainly wasn’t ready for that while mad at Howard.

The walk home was loud. The kids were talking about their favorite parts from the zoo when Flo interrupted.

“I loved the aquarium but the sharks were way too big.” She sounded concerned. “What happens if someone falls into the tank? Or if the glass breaks?” Vince watched them all talk while they shuffled on home. As much as he wanted to be a part of the conversation he was only stressing over getting to the house.

Howard had probably turned on a jazz record from the moment they stepped out the door. He hadn’t been able to listen since summer started with Vince and Flo in the house, or else risking an allergic reaction. Vince could just see him, probably laying on the couch reading 50 Shades of Grey in his bathrobe after having taken a hot bath uninterrupted, or watching some sort of trashy MTV reality show that he swears he's too intelligent for.

Vince kicked a rock. Howard was such an elitist asshole sometimes. 

They arrived at the house faster than Vince wanted to. Vince unlocked the side door and pushed it open for the kids to filter in. The sun had set a while back, leaving the kids as drained and touchy as Vince felt.

“Go on inside. I want you all to try to shower before bed.” They all groaned but they trudged along anyway. “Yeah, yeah. You all smell like outside. You’ll sleep better if you’re clean.” Vince watched them walk down the hall to their rooms and watched their doors close. The house was quiet, and slightly cleaner than they left it, but otherwise exactly the same. There wasn’t even a record on the turntable. It was far too quiet.

Vince turned on the television and sat on the couch. Vince’s phone buzzed from his back pocket but he ignored it. If Howard wanted to see him, he could come out and face him like a man. He made it through half an episode of QI before Howard finally lumbered down the hall. He sat down next to Vince and pulled Vince to lean against him. It was painfully quiet before either of them spoke again.

“How was your day off?” Vince asked, but didn’t look at Howard. Howard hummed softly.

“It was okay. A bit boring actually.” Howard shifted to put his arm around Vince but he hesitated. Vince rolled his eyes and pulled Howard’s arm down the rest of the way. “How was the zoo?” Vince still felt irritated, but he took a deep breath.

“It was alright. We had ice cream for dinner. Bob Fossil called you a lady. Just a regular day at the zoo.” Vince picked at a ripped thread on his jeans while they sat in more silence.

“Who gave Fossil another zoo after all the shit he pulled with the first one?” Howard muttered. Vince bit back a grin.

“He pinned everything on Bainbridge and got a second chance.” Vince sighed. “Suppose everyone should get extra chances.” He finally relaxed against Howard’s side. “Even if they are total knobs sometimes.” Vince finally looked up at him and raised his eyebrows. 

“I’m sorry I upset you earlier. That wasn’t my intention.” Howard sighed. Vince scrunched his face and shook his head.

“I think apologizing looks bad on you.” He sat up a bit to kiss Howard softly. “Just speak up next time, would you?”

Chapter Text

Halloween

“I want to be an Astronaut for Halloween!” Flo burst out at dinner. Vince and Howard had been in the middle of a conversation about writing sessions and band practices when she simply could not restrain herself any longer. Vince opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off.

“I want to be a mad scientist!” Billie shouted out before they could respond. Halloween wasn’t really close enough for them to be talking about what they wanted to dress as but Howard shrugged it off.

“What about you?” Howard asked Tom, who shrugged. “Great, anyone else?” No one said anything. “I think I want to be-” Vince put a hand over Howard’s.

“I already know what we’re going to be.” Vince’s voice was flat. Howard frowned and turned back to Vince. “We have to bust out the old Toothbrush and Tooth Fairy. It’s Pearly’s first real Halloween, and she has to be a tooth just like everyone else has been.” Howard sighed and rubbed his face. He hated that itchy costume.

“Can we be excused?” Tom’s voice piped up before Howard could respond to Vince. Howard looked over everyone’s plates and nodded. They had eaten more than enough. All four of the kids got up and ran down the hall towards Tom’s room to watch his hamster run through the new tunnels they had installed across one of his walls. When Howard made eye contact with Vince again, he wished he had gone with them.

Since their first halloween with the girls, they had dressed their newest additions as a tooth. Everyone’s introduction to the world of fancy dress parties has been the same matching costume with Vince and Howard, and Pearl was going to be no different. Not if Vince had anything to say about it.

Vince had been acting strange about Pearl, he went almost overboard making sure she got to have the same experiences as the other kids. When Howard suggested putting her in a private school, originally suggested by Naboo, to help her learn how to control her little Quirks , as Vince called them, Vince put the idea down immediately. Pearl would go to regular school with her siblings if it was the last thing Vince did. Howard suggested meeting with the shaman board to find out if Pearl was one of them, or if it was just some sort of residual power from when Naboo made her, but Vince shot him down. She had a pediatrician and a dentist. She didn’t need to meet with Denis. Denis scared Vince , he wasn’t going to make one of his little girls meet with him in the dark scary forest.

Everything Howard suggested for Pearl was, what he thought to be, for the best but Vince disagreed. In Vince’s opinion, what she needed was to be treated like a normal kid, so that’s what they did, at least for the time being.

“Vince, I don’t want to try to put on that horrible costume again. Can’t we just do something else? We can do the tooth stuff next year.” He sat back in his chair. “Besides, Pearl doesn’t really even have a party to go to. We would just be dressing up for our party, and she wouldn’t even stay in that costume and then we would be stuck in ours all night.” Vince frowned at Howard.

“The other kids get to dress up and go to parties, why wouldn’t she at least get to dress up with them?” Vince couldn’t believe Howard could be so careless with how Pearl must’ve felt. “I know that watching my older siblings get ready for parties I didn’t get to go to hurt my feelings, so at the very least letting her get dressed up too could make it fun for her.”

“Have you even asked her if she wants to dress up?” Howard raised his eyebrows. “Besides, her siblings aren’t as bad as yours were.” He knew Vince didn’t mean to bring them up, but it was far too late now. “Hers are also a lot closer in age to her. They won’t make her upset for not getting to go. Not on purpose, anyway.” Vince scowled at Howard and stood from his seat.

“I’m going to take a shower. When I get out we both have to give our best argument.” Vince turned and walked down the hall, leaving Howard to clear the table. He didn’t hate that solution, he just hated how often they had to use it. When they started going to couples therapy Howard never expected it to actually be helpful.

While he put away the leftovers, he considered asking Pearl what she wanted. She was as much Howard’s child as she was Vince’s, even if she tended to display more Vince-esque characteristics. He had all but decided against asking her, but she came into the room, tempting him to ask her anyway.

“Pearl, can I ask you a question?” Howard leaned down and closed the dishwasher. He turned and watched her climb onto a barstool.

“Papa, I don’t want to dress up.” She sat on her knees to reach the fruit bowl. “Do I have to?”

“Oh…” That was easier than Howard thought it would be. “Are you sure? It’s just that I know Bill and Flo are going out to a friend’s house, and Tom has a school event. We just figured you would want to.” He watched her fish an orange out of the bowl and settle back to sit properly.

“Why? I’m not going anywhere.” She was more logical than Howard tended to give her credit for. He watched her struggle with her orange for a moment before holding out his hand to help her. He shrugged at her.

‘ Because we’re trying to treat you like the other kids even though you’re incredibly different from them and we didn’t even treat them the same way .’ didn’t feel like a good answer.

“Most kids would feel jealous or left out.” He dug his thumb into the orange to start peeling it. She frowned and looked away in thought.

“I’m not really like the other kids.” She sighed softly and took the orange from him to finish peeling it. Howard sat on the barstool next to her and picked up an orange for himself.

“Why do you say that?” He started peeling his own orange. She wasn’t around her peers very much yet, seeing that she hadn’t really started school but clearly someone was clearly making her feel different.

“When I meet other kids they’re scared of me.” She took a bite of her orange without separating the segments. “No one is like me.” She didn’t really look bothered about that fact. Howard pulled a paper towel off the roll and handed it to her so she could wipe her face.

“You are different, but that’s okay. Everyone is different in some way. Like how Tom doesn’t breathe very well, and Flo is really smart, or even how Bill can’t read sometimes. You can make light and understand animals. That’s pretty cool.” He knew Vince would’ve just ignored the fact that she was different at all, but Vince wasn’t there at the moment.

“I know.” She looked up at him with a small smile. “Daddy says I’m like everyone else, but I’m not.” She really didn’t look bothered. Howard put a hand on her head and nodded. “I want to eat a million hundred oranges.” Howard bit back a laugh and nodded along.

“Oranges are pretty good but that many might give you a belly ache.” He finished his orange and started collecting the peels. She put the last third of her orange in his hand. She got down from her seat and walked to the sink. Howard watched the stepstool move across the floor without her touching it. “How long have you been able to do that?”

“Always.” She stepped up and turned on the water to wash her hands off. “Icky sticky.” She muttered to herself while she washed her hands. Up until that point Howard was sure she could only do the light manipulation and understand the animals, telekinetic powers felt outside of his pay grade.

“Why don’t you ever use it?” He wanted to know everything. Was it just small things? Was there a limit to how far away things had to be before she could move them? Was it only moving them, or was it also changing them? When did she develop that power? How often did she use it? She shrugged. “Why did you use it just now?” He asked softly. He tried not to sound accusatory, or afraid of her.

“I didn’t use my hands because they were sticky.” She turned off the water and hopped off the stool. “I’m going to sleep.” She grabbed his sleeve to make him bend down. He gave her a kiss and let her wrap her arms around his neck.

“Goodnight, Pearl.” He squeezed her once and let her go. “I’ll see you tomorrow, sleep well.” She grinned at him and ran towards the hallway.

“Goodnight Daddy!” She called over her shoulder at Vince on her way to her room. Vince turned quickly and grinned as she ducked into her doorway.

“Goodnight, Pearly.” He took a deep breath and stepped into the kitchen. Howard was finishing the remnants of Pearl’s orange when Vince sat down at the counter.

“Did you know she could move things with her mind?” Howard offered Vince an orange segment. Vince took it from Howard and bit down on it.

“When did that start?” He frowned.

“ Always , according to her. She said this time she used it because her hands were sticky.” Howard shrugged. “She’s not ever going to be normal, Vince, you have know that.” Howard grabbed the tea towel from the counter and moved to wipe down the counters.

“Right, she won’t ever be normal, so we should do what we can to let her feel like she’s one of us.” Vince crossed his arms. “I don’t want her to feel like she’s any different than our other kids.” Howard dropped the rag and frowned at Vince.

“You can’t seriously think that she is different from the others.” Howard sighed and rubbed his face. “You know what? One argument at a time. Pearl said she doesn’t want to dress up, so no costume.” Vince rolled his eyes and shrugged.

“Fine. If she doesn’t want to then she doesn’t have to.” Vince narrowed his eyes at Howard. “She is one of our children and I love her very much. But she has super powers and the others don’t. I think that would make her different, right?” Howard nodded reluctantly. “Great, let's not ostracize her for being different in a way she has no control over.” He started toward the hallway but stopped suddenly. He sighed loudly but didn't turn to face Howard. “Goodnight, Howard. I do love you.” He sounded frustrated but sincere.

“I love you too, Vince. Go to bed, I’ll be there when I’m done cleaning.”

Christmas Eve/Day

“We’ve just seen “Kings and Little Ducks” twice. Why not a different Christmas film?” Howard was a quarter of a way into a bottle of whiskey and having to sit through “Kings and Little Ducks” for a third time was going to make him snap in half. “Only one more movie before bed, so don’t you guys want to watch something else?” The kids all looked at one another and shook their heads.

“Sorry Papa, “Kings and Little Ducks” is a classic . We all want to watch it again.” Billie was failing at hiding her grin. They were all pranking him, and if he wasn’t so irritated by it, he would’ve been impressed with their commitment to the bit.

“Your last movie of the night is going to be the movie you’ve just watched twice ?” Howard narrowed his eyes. They all nodded with evil little grins on their faces. “What if I just told you you had to go to bed instead of watch a third movie?” They would call his bluff, he knew they would.

“Then we’ll go to bed early.” Tom raised his eyebrows, daring Howard to back down. He simply leaned down and pressed play on the movie causing the kids to cheer.

“This is the last time we’re watching this for the rest of the month, I swear.” Howard shook his head at them and moved into the kitchen to fix himself another drink. He made eye contact with Vince from across the countertop before knocking another shot back. 

“How many is that?” Vince asked quietly. He and Howard drank in front of the kids sparingly, but Christmas Eve and three rounds of the same movie was enough to justify a few shots, as far as they were concerned. Howard frowned and held up the bottle. It was just above halfway empty.

“This was new when I opened it.” He slid the bottle down the counter so it was out of reach. “So, it has to be around six…? Maybe.” Vince laughed softly and picked up his hot chocolate spiked with Bailey’s.

“So long as you stay awake long enough to deliver the presents, I don’t care how much you drink.” Vince whispered and kissed Howard’s scruffy cheek. His arms snaked around Howard’s neck while he spoke. “You’re harmless anyway.” He pressed himself against Howard until he felt his arms drape around him.

“You’re not harmless. How much have you had?” Howard attempted to resist the urge to laugh as Vince closed his eyes and rubbed his nose against Howard’s cheek. He hummed lowly for a moment.

“I dunno, Howard. I made hot chocolate, and I poured some Bailey’s in…” His nose bumped into Howard’s. “And I did that a bunch of times.” Howard pulled away to pick up the bottle. It was nearly empty, leaving Howard to pull the hot chocolate away from Vince.

“ Some , and a bunch aren’t very good measurements, sir.” Howard lifted the mug to his own lips and finished Vince’s drink. “Now we need some water.” Vince scrunched his nose in distaste, but he allowed Howard to pull him toward the sink.

“Once the movie is over, we should send them all to bed.” Vince took the cup of water from Howard and tipped his head back. “But they still have one gift before bed so they need to make their choices sooner rather than later.” Howard nodded.

“I know Tom and Flo have already chosen, and it won’t be hard for Pearl or Billie to choose so we can just wait until the end of the movie.” Howard took the cup from Vince and refilled it for himself. They took turns drinking cups of water to combat the copious amounts of alcohol they had consumed while the kids laughed at the same parts of the movie that they laughed at the previous two viewings. When the credits started to roll they moved back into the livingroom to start cleaning up the mess from the earlier festivities.

“Alright, everyone pi-” Vince shushed Howard, making him snap his head up. Vince gestured to the lumps on the couch and in Howard’s chair. Somehow every single one of their children were asleep. Howard stifled a laugh and shook his head. “Alright, let's clean up this mess and get the rest of the gifts out.”

“Thank Christ. I was worried you were gonna say we should move them, but I really don’t want to spend the day laid up with a broken back from trying to pick up preteens.” Vince knelt down and began picking up bits of paper from the various treats the kids had opened and enjoyed earlier in the evening. Howard cringed.

“They are preteens, aren’t they?” He looked at their oldest two and glanced at Vince. “When did they get so old ?” Vince pushed his hand through Howard’s hair with a small smile.

“When did we get so old?” He asked with a grin. He bumped Howard’s hip and pulled him down by his collar to press a clumsy kiss to his lips. “Don’t worry Howard, you look better with every grey you get. I am glad I convinced you to grow a bit of a beard though. The older you got the mustache was just creepier.” 

“Come on.” Howard struggled to his feet and held down a hand to Vince. “Let’s get to bed. We can bring out the gifts in the morning.” Vince let Howard pull him down the hall to their bedroom.

Howard woke up first, unsurprisingly. He found himself on his front with Vince’s head planted between his shoulders snoring louder than he thought possible. Vince’s arms were tucked under Howard’s sides, keeping him in place while Howard tried to move. With a sigh, Howard checked the time. It was still early enough that the kids wouldn’t be awake yet. Now was the time to get the presents under the tree. He just couldn’t get Vince to release him. He rolled onto his side, hoping Vince would let go, but he simply wrapped a leg around Howard’s hip and held on tighter.

“Vince.” Howard tried to pull Vince’s hand away. “Come on. Wake up.” He slid his hand up Vince’s leg. “ Vincent .” He pinched the bare skin of Vince’s hip. Vince groaned and wiggled away from Howard’s fingers. “Let go. I have to get up.” Vince ignored him and settled back down so that he was out of reach of Howard’s pinchy fingers.

“It’s Christmas, can’t I sleep in?” Vince groaned into Howard’s back. Howard rolled his eyes.

“I don’t care if you stay asleep. Just let go of me .” He finally wormed his way away from Vince enough to stand. “I’m going to set out the gifts. You don’t have to help if you don’t want to.” Vince hummed and sat up.

“Is that true, or are you trying to tell me you want me to help?” Vince rubbed his eyes. “Remember what Doctor David said.” Doctor David was their therapist and his most recent advice had been to forget about what they thought the other one wanted, just plainly state what the preferred outcome was.

“Yes. I would prefer you to help me, but I won’t be upset if you don’t.” Howard slid his cardigan over his shoulders. “You can sleep if you feel like it.” Vince stood and stretched.

“Then I’ll help you.” He put on a sweater Howard had left on the end of the bed and followed Howard into their walk in closet. He held out his arms for Howard to load him up.

Howard loved Christmas with Vince and the kids. When he and Vince had been younger Christmases meant sneaking outside for a cigarette he had stolen from his Nan’s side table and splitting it with Vince on the back porch to relax. 

Now Christmas was bright lights and ugly little decorations the kids made at school littering the tree and spilling over onto any flat surface they could find. There were always loads of presents for everyone, being that Vince brought in more than enough money from the band, and Vince loved shopping so much. Howard enjoyed cooking too much dinner, and baking even more sweets. He found that he miraculously enjoyed the mess of all the wrapping paper and the loads of shouting and singing coming from his overstimulated kids. But most of all he enjoyed having everyone at home and safe where he could see them. He enjoyed being able to provide for everyone without having to stress about what everyone was doing, and if they would be home safely.

Howard loved the certainty of Christmas in the Moon-Noir household, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

New Years Eve

Their babysitter was due any minute, and Vince was so close to being ready to go. Howard had heard him say something about how much his eyeliner was irritating him before sitting back down at his vanity to try again.

Howard rarely went out with Vince, but New Year's Eve was one of their standing nights out. Vince had assured him it was going to be “primo”, whatever that meant, so Howard was told to dress up nice. By ‘dress nice’ it turned out, Vince meant ‘wear what I lay out for you’.

Howard was standing at the kitchen counter, eating some of the pretzel sticks from the big bowl on the counter left out for the kids, while he waited. He jumped at the sound of the doorbell.

“Vince!” Howard called down the hall, “Stella’s here!” He said it before even opening the door but he knew he was right. The sitter had arrived and Vince was officially out of time.

“Comin!” Vince fluffed his hair one final time and double checked his makeup. He scooped up his shoes as he exited their walk in closet.

“Sorry I’m late, Mr. Moon.” Stella said put her bag on the kitchen chair and draped her coat over the back. “Traffic was absolutely horrid.”

“That’s fine, Stella. We’re running late anyway.” Vince leaned down to put on his shoe, as he spoke to her.

“Speak for yourself, I’ve been ready for the last hour.” Howard tucked his hands in the pockets of his jacket with a smile. Vince rolled his eyes and slid on his coat. “Snacks are ready to be pulled out. There isn’t really dinner but they can eat as much junk as they want to tonight. There’s soda in the bottom of the fridge. Help yourself to whatever.” Howard shrugged at her.

“And he really means whatever, we need to do the shop anyway so it really doesn’t matter if you go bananas.” Vince smiled before snapping his fingers. “Bananas!” He turned and drew a banana on the shopping list.

“Bye Dad and Papa!” Billie called from her spot on the couch. Flo waved at them without looking up from their game.

“Wow, some polite kids we have there.” Howard rolled his eyes. Tom rolled his eyes.

“We’re playing a game, Papa, we can’t really just stop! What if Pearl looks at my cards?” Tom pulled his cards to his chest and narrowed his eyes at her.

“I’m not gonna look!” She frowned. “You’re just mad I’m winning.” She put down a card and they all groaned.

“Alright, bye guys. We’ll be back next year. Be good for Stella, please.” Vince ran around their little huddle kissing all their heads while Howard attempted to usher him out the door.

They got into the car and started their trek into the city. Charlotte and Mack had planned a party in some swanky downtown hotel and apparently it was the party of the night. When Howard and Vince pulled up they noticed just how many people were there.

Vince glanced back at Howard as they weaved through the room, looking for somewhere to sit, knowing that Howard wouldn’t like being in such a busy room for too terribly long. They found a small table, allowing Howard and Vince to settle in and try to gain their bearings.

“It’s a little busy in here, eh?” Howard watched Vince swipe two champagne flutes off one of the passing trays. He passed one to Howard and clinked their glasses together.

“I wonder where they’ve gotten to.” Vince threw his drink back. “I’m thinking we could scoot out of here a bit before midnight, check into our room, and ring in the new year in a bit more of a secluded manner.” He bit back a grin at the slight blush that rose over Howard’s ears. Howard choked a bit on his champagne.

“Yeah, that sounds great, Vince.” He cleared his throat and flashed a smile. They had gotten a hotel room remembering how the previous year had gone. If they didn’t want a repeat of managing to wake all of their children one by one, they would have to stay somewhere else where they could be loud and drunk and obnoxious together without any repercussions.

“If I can find some, would you like to get high tonight?” Vince leaned in and brushed his nose against Howard’s, “It's been a while, and I figured you’d want to take full advantage of not having to go home tonight.” Howard laughed and nodded slightly.

“Alright, but nothing too heavy. We do have to get home tomorrow and I don’t want to have a hangover.” Howard felt Vince kiss his cheek and get out of his seat. “Get something good!” He called after Vince as he disappeared into the crowd.

Howard sat at his little table waiting for Vince to come back for, what felt like, ages. He spoke to a few mutual friends as they passed him until Mack actually sat down across from him with a smile.

“Are you alright?” She folded her hands in front of herself on the table. “Vince said he’s lookin for some of the “good stuff” for you two to have tonight. That true?” Howard had always liked Mack. She was protective over everyone she loved, and it turned out Howard was one of those people. Howard nodded.

“We aren’t going home tonight, so we figured-” She leaned forward, making Howard stop talking immediately.

“When was the last time you had anything stronger than a cigarette?” She shook her head at him gently. “No offense, but I don’t reckon either of you can handle anything too strong in your old age.” She winked at him and reached into her pocket. When she pulled her hand back out she had a small bag that had two pre-rolled joints along with a lighter. “I think these will be more your speeds.” She closed his hand around the bag. 

“Thanks, Mack. I was kinda worried he would come back with coke or something.” Howard watched the joints roll in the bag. 

“No problem, Howie.” She was the only person that managed to get away with calling him that. “Do me a huge favor, though.” Howard looked up at her and raised his eyebrows. “Don’t take whatever Vince finds for you because it’ll be some wild designer drug that he was given to impress him.” She smiled at him one last time. “And don’t let him take it either. Who knows what that shit was cut with.” She stood but turned back to him immediately. “And don’t tell Charlie. She’ll kill me if she finds out I gave you two our joints.” She got up and disappeared into the crowd, leaving Howard holding the joints and waiting for Vince to come back. 

Howard finished a few drinks in the time it took him to notice Vince again. He was in the middle of the dancefloor with his eyes closed and his head thrown back. Howard bit back a smile watching him throw his body around. This was the closest Vince got to how clubbing used to make him feel.

Vince was far from graceful. He had his hands thrust to the ceiling, while moving his hips in time with the music. Occasionally his mouth would open and he would shout the lyrics to whatever song was playing. The small group of people that had encircled him seemed to be on the same wavelength as him, shouting the same lyrics to the roof and generally moving the same ways, but Vince stuck out like he always did. He watched Vince laugh and open his eyes, immediately making eye contact with Howard. He narrowed his eyes and all but sauntered back to the table.

“Hey.” He draped his arms over Howard’s shoulders and buried his nose in the top of Howard’s head. Howard tilted his head back.

“Hey yourself.” He put his hand on the back of Vince’s sweaty neck and pulled him down into a brief kiss. He could taste all the different fruity drinks Vince had had since he last saw him.

“Nearly midnight, do you want to go on and head out?” Vince spoke directly into Howard’s ear while unbuttoning Howard’s top few buttons so he could work his hand under his shirt. Howard hummed, feeling the alcohol buzz through his brain was wonderful. He nodded absently, enjoying the feeling of Vince’s warm hand passing over his chest. “Here. Hold this.” He passed Howard a small bag with three pills in it. “You should go ahead and take one, I already have.” He kissed Howard’s forehead and pulled away completely. “I’m going to say bye to the girls.” He pinched Howard’s cheek and moved away from him. Howard looked down at the baggie and frowned.

He meant to ask Vince what the drug was, but he found he didn’t care. He opened the bag and took one of the little round pills with the last of his water. In the back of his mind he heard Mack's warning but he shrugged it off. Whatever would happen would happen. Vince came back sooner than Howard expected him to. He grabbed Howard’s hand and pulled him to his feet and back down into a crushing kiss.

“Let's go?” Howard felt Vince’s smile against his lips as he tried to kiss him again. “Our room is only a few floors up.” Howard wrapped his arms around Vince with a small laugh.

“What time is it?” Howard asked. Vince pulled away from him and raised his eyebrows.

“Eleven thirty.” He ruffled Howard’s hair. “Don’t tell me you want to wait until midnight before we go to our room.” Howard shook his head.

“I just wanted to make sure we would make it up there before the countdown.” He squeezed Vince and let his hands fall into Vince’s. Vince rolled his eyes and dragged Howard out of the venue and to the elevator. As soon as the doors closed Vince’s hands were back on Howard. He finished unbuttoning Howard’s shirt and slid his hands up under Howard’s vest to feel his skin against his palms.

“Howard, I can’t wait to ring in the new year with you.” Howard felt him press the beginnings of an erection against his leg, leaving his mouth dry.

“Bad news, Vince. You’re gonna have to wait.” He dropped his hands to rest on Vince’s hips. “We aren’t in our room yet, and I will not be spending the night in jail for indecent exposure. Not again, not after last time.” Vince laughed and took a step back from Howard.

“That was funny though.” He bit his lip and leaned against the far wall of the elevator. “I can’t believe you-” Howard cut Vince off.

“We swore we wouldn’t speak about it again.” He spoke just as the elevator pinged one last time. Vince grabbed Howard’s hand and pulled him into their room. Vince had Howard pinned to the bed in almost no time. He dipped down to kiss Howard softly just as the fireworks began to burst across the skyline.

“Happy New Year, Howard.” He kissed him again.

“Happy New Year, Vince.” Howard allowed himself to float away on the good feelings of the mystery pill and Vince’s mouth trailing downward at a steady pace.

“Howard?” Vince’s voice cut through the haze. “Where did you get these joints?” Howard laughed, having forgotten about them. He plucked the bag from Vince’s hand and set them on the bedside table.

“We can do that later.” He pulled Vince back down onto the bed and threw a leg over his hips. For now they had something he would much rather do.

Chapter Text

For the first time since having kids, Vince and Howard had the whole house to themselves and no plans for the day. The girls started year eight, Tom had started year six, and Pearl was finally going into year one. They would’ve been sad if they weren’t so ready to have them all out of the house.

Vince had gotten up with Howard that morning to help get everyone ready, and walk half of them to school while Howard took the other half. He was in a fantastic mood as he danced across the kitchen gathering juice and glasses from the cabinet. He put the bowls of cereal on the table before moving to pour himself a large cup of coffee. He watched the girls trudge into the room and sit in their seats.

“I’m not hungry.” Billie pushed her bowl away with a frown. Flo nodded along with her and picked up her orange juice.

“Do we have apple juice? The orange juice is ickin me out.” Flo sighed. Vince picked up her juice and took a drink.

“Tastes alright to me.” He shrugged and set it back down. “I’ll look, but I think we ran out of apple yesterday. I’ll be sure to get more from the shop.” She thanked him quietly and stared intently at her bowl as if the food would disappear on its own.

“Good morning.” Howard came in with Pearl thrown over his shoulder. He dropped her in her chair and moved into the kitchen to grab the tea Vince had already made him. “How are you, ladies?” Howard was also excited to spend a large portion of the day with only Vince. He wasn’t sure what they were going to do all day, but he knew it would be blessedly boring.

“My belly is a bit upset.” Billie crossed her arms and picked up her juice. Howard moved around to her side of the table to feel her forehead.

“Got anything else? Because I don’t think that’s enough to stay home.” He dropped his hand to her shoulder and watched her shake her head. Howard kissed the top of her head and sat in his own seat. Vince put a plate of toast on the table between them.

“I don’t want to stay home. I want my belly to stop hurting.” She started eating toast.

“Papa, have you seen my Chekov?” Tom came from down the hall, digging in his backpack. “I wanted to read it during break, but I can’t find it.” He put his bag in his chair to keep looking. Howard shook his head.

“Which one is it? I might have a copy you could borrow.” Howard took a gulp of his tea. Vince was constantly surprised that Tom actually read the books that Howard only pretended to read.

“ Shooting Party . I swear I just had it.” He zipped his backpack with a groan. 

“Go on then, get mine off the bookshelf.” Howard nodded and looked back down at his bowl of cereal. Tom stomped over to the shelf, grumbling the whole way. Everyone seemed to be in terrible moods except for Pearl. She sat in her seat, nearly falling asleep while she ate her breakfast.

“Alright, Pearly?” Vince frowned at her. She looked up and nodded.

“Just sleepy.” she took a gulp of her juice and closed her eyes. “Can I go to school tomorrow instead?” She asked quietly as her head tipped forward again. Howard reached over and shook her shoulder gently to try to keep her from falling asleep at the table.

“Love, you have to go to school almost every day.” Howard frowned up at Vince. “Are you okay?” He asked. She nodded again and sat up a bit. Vince felt terrible for making her get up at all, but making her go to school felt cruel.

“Is everyone ready to go?” Vince cleared his throat and watched everyone stand from their seats. He was suddenly taken aback. “When did you all get so tall?” He straightened his back as Tom got closer to him. The top of Tom’s head was right under his jaw making him cringe.

“Dad, you are short, to be fair.” He gathered his bag together and slipped on his shoes. Vince grimaced.

“You don’t have to remind me.” He watched the girls stand a bit taller than Tom, making him groan. “Ugh, me own daughters, growin taller everyday.” He put a hand over his heart and glanced at Pearl. “At least one of you hasn’t betrayed me.” She giggled and put her backpack on. 

“You two, with me. Tom and Pearl are with Dad.” Howard stood and grabbed his keys off the peg.

“Wait, you aren’t coming with me?” Pearl sounded surprised, looking up at Howard. “What if I want you both to take me?” Vince raised his eyebrows and shrugged.

“Someone has to walk the girls, but Papa can take you if you want.” He zipped his boot and looked at Howard. “Is that alright with you?” Howard nodded and opened the door. He checked his watch and grimaced.

“That’s fine, but we have to get going. Don’t want to be late on day one.” Howard waved everyone through the door before picking Pearl up to carry her.

“Can't I walk, Papa?” She squirmed in his grip to get him to put her down. Howard laughed and wrangled her into a more manageable position.

“No, not today. We need to hurry today or else we’ll never make it.” He managed to get her to give up just as he closed the gate. He leaned over and gave Vince a kiss before pulling Tom along the path to school while Vince took the girls the opposite way.

“Papa, what is school like?” Pearl asked quietly. “What if I don’t like it? Do I still have to go?” She picked at his collar while she spoke. Howard frowned at her.

“You will have to keep going, but if you know what you don’t like me and Dad can try to help you so that you will like it.” Howard remembered the twins coming home with varying levels of interest in school leaving him feeling like he could deal with any complaint she came home with.

“How long do I have to go?” She was looking discouraged. Howard narrowed his eyes at her.

“You don’t want an answer to that.” He frowned. “The good news is that you get a load of breaks! Besides, you might like school. Tom likes school.” Howard ruffled Tom’s hair with his free hand before Tom could duck out of the way.

“ Don’t touch me.” Tom grumbled, making Howard do a double take. “You'll embarrass me.” He tightened the straps on his bag and trudged ahead a bit. He knew that Tom was getting older, but he was surprised to hear that much sass so soon.

“Sorry, son.” He spoke under his breath and watched Tom put a few yards of space between them. “Someone is touchy today.” Howard watched Tom head into the school without even waiting to say goodbye. Howard tried not to feel offended. He put Pearl down and took her hand, leading her to the front door.

“School is so big.” Pearl squeezed his hand so she didn’t get lost.

“I know, but you’ll get used to it.” He pulled her along to her classroom. “Everyday you’ll come here, to this room, okay?” He let go of her hand, though she didn’t ease up on him.

“Who are all of these kids?” She asked quietly. Howard knelt down so he could hear her better. She grabbed his sleeve with the hand not gripping his for dear life.

“These kids are your classmates.” Howard turned himself so they were both looking around the room. “That is your teacher, and those are the other parents.” He glanced at her and noticed her worried look. “Are you gonna be okay?” He asked quietly. She frowned at him for a minute before nodding slowly. “You understand that I have to go home, right?” She frowned a bit deeper but nodded again.

“But I don’t want you to leave.” She whispered and looked around the room again. “What if everyone thinks I’m scary because of my light?” She squeezed both hands tighter. He put the hand she wasn’t clutching on the side of her face to make her look at him.

“No one will think you’re scary. Though,” He knew he had to choose his words carefully, “ maybe , school isn’t the right time to be making lights, okay? Try not to while you’re in class.” He nodded at her with a slight smile. “But if you don’t know how… how to not do it, then tell me or Dad and we can help you.” She looked down at her hands and nodded a bit. “Don’t stress about it, though. If it happens, then it happens. That isn’t your fault.” He pulled her closer to press a kiss to her forehead. “You’ll do great, Pearl.”

“Okay.” She let go of his sleeve but maintained her grip on his hand. He stood just as her teacher came over. 

Pearl could hear them talking about her, but she wasn’t listening. She was too busy looking around her new environment. There were so many bright colors and so many unfamiliar voices, but she wasn’t worried about that. She took a deep breath and tried to take all the calm she could from Papa. She didn’t quite have the words to explain it, but holding hands with Papa was completely different than holding hands with Dad. After all, Dad was good at giving her happy , but when she needed to calm down Papa was the person she wanted to be around. She felt him squeeze her hand and look down at her.

“I have to leave now, are you going to be alright?” He knew she would have to be alright, but he still felt the need to ask. She took another deep breath and nodded. “Okay.” He waited a moment for her to let go of his hand. “You have to let go, love.” He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb and waited.

“Okay.” She said quietly. She eventually released him before looking back up at him. “You’re coming back, right?” Howard stifled a laugh and nodded.

“Of course I am. Where else will I find a kid that can speak to animals?” He pinched her cheek gently and smiled at her. “Go on, go pick out a desk and have a good day, alright? I’ll see you later.”

“I love you, Papa.” She waved at him as she walked away. He waved right back, but he waited until she was settled before turning to leave. On his way out of the school he peeked into Tom’s room to make sure he had made it.

His walk home was uneventful. He felt a strange pang in his chest, knowing all of his kids were officially school age, though he wouldn’t let that stop him from enjoying his day with Vince. When he arrived at the house he saw Vince sitting on the porch with his phone in his hand.

“Thank God, Howard. You took the house key and the door is locked.” He laughed softly and let Howard reach the door. “How did Pearly take being left at school?” Howard shrugged.

“She wasn’t thrilled about it, but she took it about as well as the others did.” He pushed the door open and stepped inside to take off his shoes. “Well, except for Tom. He did horribly. Do you remember that? We were both there for him, I think.” Vince chuckled.

“Yeah, I didn’t know he could cry so hard he could trigger his asthma like that.” Vince took Howard’s hands in his and pulled him to the couch. “But we’re free now. No plans until 4 when we have to pick them up.” He pushed Howard’s sweater off his shoulders and pulled his own shirt over his head.

“Do you think they might be old enough to get themselves? I mean, the girls are 13, and it isn’t that far of a walk.” He let Vince undress him piece by piece before undressing himself.

“I dunno. We can certainly suggest it to them. Someone would still have to go with Tom and Pearl to sign them out though.” He pushed Howard onto the couch and laid himself over top of him. He pushed his nose into Howard’s neck just as Howard draped his hands over Vince’s back and laughed softly.

“Is this it for today? We just lay here without clothes on?” He wasn’t complaining. Even Vince’s bony body wasn’t enough to make him uncomfortable.

“I mean we could watch telly or….” He shrugged, unsure of what else they could do. “If you wanna shag we have to go to our room. I won’t be making a mess on the couch.” Howard laughed.

“Telly is fine.” He leaned down to grab the remote off the floor and turn on the tv. “I mean if you want to shag in a bit, I’m not going to say no, but for now…” he felt a kiss against his jaw as well as a quiet laugh.

“We’ll see how we feel after a bit of Downton Abbey .” Vince repositioned himself so he could see the screen and sighed. “Naked cuddling has been greatly missed.” Howard hummed in agreement as they settled into a quiet morning on the couch.

When Vince woke up it was to the sound of their home phone ringing. That phone very rarely rang in the first place, but just past noon on a Monday felt strange. He managed to get up without waking Howard and stumbled to the phone.

“Yeah, Noir residence.” He cleared his throat and tried to wipe the sleep out of his eyes.

“Mr. Noir, this is Billie and Flo’s teacher. How are you today?” A woman’s voice crackled through the cheap receiver.

“I’m fine, are the girls okay?” He was suddenly worried they might’ve started fighting again. It had been at least a year since their last suspension and he was hoping it was staying that way.

“Oh yes! They're fine. Perfectly okay, if not just a bit embarrassed. I’ve called for someone to come pick them up. You see…. They’ve started , and they’re ill equipped to deal with it.” Vince frowned. He was far too asleep for riddles.

“Started? Started what?” He asked. He heard their teacher sigh softly and get closer to the speaker.

“Mr. Noir, they’ve started their cycles.” She was clearly trying to be discreet, despite Vince’s brainlessness.

“Oh! Oh God. Okay. Yeah, yeah. One of us will be down there as soon as we can.” He hung up the phone and turned to their pile of clothes on the floor. As much as he didn’t want to wake Howard, he knew that the girls seeing one of their dads naked on the couch would only exacerbate the situation. He threw the clothes at Howard as he tried to hike up his own jeans.

“What?” Howard blinked at him. “What happened?” He rubbed his face. “Shit, did we oversleep?” Vince grabbed Howard’s sweater and pulled it on, shaking his head at Howard.

“No, I’ve gotta go get the girls. Can you run to the store and get some feminine hygiene stuff?” Vince sat and zipped his boot. “The girls' school called and they’ve apparently got their periods.” Howard laughed.

“What? This early?” He pulled his shirt over his head. “Is it possible it was a false alarm?” He grabbed his pants and put one leg through.

“ Early ? Howard, they're 13. It’s almost late .” He grabbed the house key and leaned down to put on his boots. “I’m gonna get them from school, and when we get back we’re gonna have to give them The Talk .” He grimaced and opened the door. “I’ll be home soon. Try to make biscuits or something so they don’t feel weird about being home early.” Howard nodded and closed the door behind Vince.

Vince couldn’t remember ever getting The Talk , he just remembered having sex at a certain point and understanding everything that came with it eventually. The thought of being 14 and losing his virginity swept through his mind. He shook his head at the idea that they were sexually active already. He knew he was too young, even at the time, but at 13 they were just babies. He pushed that thought out of his head as he got up to the door of the school.

“Alright.” He stepped up to the counter where the secretary sat. “I’m here to pick up Florence and Billie Noir?” He rested his arms on the ledge while the secretary typed something out on her computer.

“Any reason for an early withdrawal?” She smiled up at him. He sighed and nodded.

“I got a call that they needed to come home. For health reasons.” He shrugged. She narrowed her eyes at him and picked up the phone.

“You’re their... father?” She asked as if she were skeptical. Vince nodded.

“Yeah, I’m Vince.” He watched her dial a number and pause while the phone rang.

“Hey, Deb, I have a Mr. Vince Noir out here for Billie and Florence Noir. They’re in your class, right?” She made humming affirmation noises for a few moments before hanging up the phone. “They’ll be right out. You’re free to sit and wait for them.” she gestured to a row of seats across the narrow hall.

“Ta.” He sighed and sat down. After a moment of waiting he pulled out his phone and decided to call Howard to see how he was doing.

“I just got to the shop. I’ll get them some chocolate too. That’s something that women like during…” He coughed slightly, “ that time of the month .” Vince rolled his eyes.

“Get me some while you’re at it.” He made Howard laugh. “They’re getting their stuff together to go, so I haven’t seen them yet.” Howard hummed.

“They’re alright, I’m sure.” Howard sounded distracted. “What…” He made a strange sound. “What kind of femenine products do I need to get?” He sounded to be miles outside of his comfort zone.

“I dunno… uh one of everything, I guess?” He glanced up and saw the girls coming towards him. “Gotta go, Howard.” He hung up and stood with a smile. “Alright?” He asked softly. They both nodded and started walking out the door. Vince waved at the secretary as they left.

It was awkward on the walk home. Vince dropped his hands to their shoulders as they walked, trying to encourage them to start the conversation. After a while of being in the quiet Vince finally realized he had to do it.

“I know you’re probably concerned, or confused but-”

“We aren’t confused, Dad.” Billie cut him off, but she didn’t continue.

“Oh, okay.” He frowned slightly. “Uh… I was just gonna say, if you have questions it's only normal and-”

"We know what a period is." Billie cut him off again.

"Right, but theres a lot more going on than just-" Flo cut him off that time

“Dad, we already know about sex. You really don’t have to try to tell us about it.” Flo looked up at him, irritated. Vince stopped walking.

“What? What do you mean you already know about sex, who told you?” He frowned and looked between the two of them. Billie rolled her eyes.

“We had health class like two years ago. We aren’t dumb, we know how babies are born.” She started walking without him or Flo.

“Don’t mind her, she’s grumpy. But she’s right. You and Papa even signed off on the health class, so it’s weird that you forgot about it.” She laughed and pulled him along.

Howard had beaten them home. He was putting their treats on the counter as they walked inside. He gave a nervous smile at them before ducking out completely to avoid the coming awkwardness.

“I actually do have a question.” Flo sat on the couch and watched Billie turn on Mario Kart. Vince crossed his arms.

“Shoot.” He shrugged. “I’m sure we could answer anything you need to know.” He picked up one of the snacks the girls had completely ignored in anticipation of her question.

“Actually it’s two questions but they’re loosely connected, I think.” She frowned. “How does gay sex work? Because I know that we are yours and Papa’s daughters, but from what we were told, you two can’t have kids together.” Vince scratched his head and laughed nervously.

“Uh… well …” He crossed and uncrossed his arms uncomfortably. “There are lots of different ways people can have sex, but for reproduction specifically, you’re right. You aren’t genetically Papa’s. Just mine.” Billie looked up at him with wide eyes.

“ What ?” she frowned at him. “What the fuck do you mean?” She dropped her controller. “So what? We’ve just been living with this guy and calling him Papa , and letting him cook dinner for us our whole lives but he’s not our dad ?” Vince shrugged at her outburst.

“What are you even talking about?! He’s as much your dad as I am!” He sat in Howard’s chair. “Don’t be rude just because you come from a different gene pool than Tom.” Vince hadn’t expected Billie to feel so betrayed. “And before you ask, yeah, Tom is Papa’s.”

“Wait, then who’s our mum?” Flo sat up a bit. “Because that means you had sex with a different person than Papa to have us, and that’s wrong, isn’t it?” Vince sighed softly and shook his head.

“That is a way to have kids, but there are medical procedures too. You already know that guys have sperm and girls have eggs and those together make babies, right?” They both nodded. “Right, well. My sperm,” He cringed a bit at having to talk about this to his children. “was implanted into the woman that carried you two.” He watched them look at one another, still seeming confused.

“Right, but who was it? Who is our mum?” Billie asked. “Wait, if we find out will we have to start getting her mother’s day gifts? Because in that case I don’t need to know that badly.” She shook her head at him. Vince laughed and rolled his eyes.

“Believe it or not we already give her mother’s day gifts, you chuckleheads just don’t know about it.” Vince watched them frown at one another and then at him.

“We know her?!” Flo was starting to sound angry with him. He simply nodded and passed the bag of M&Ms to her. “Well who is it?!” She threw her arms into the air.

“You’ll kick yourself when I tell you.” He sat back and watched them cycle through every woman they’d ever known. “It was your Aunt Charlotte.” He smiled at them. “You really never wondered why she was your aunt? She’s not my sister, and she’s certainly not Papa’s.” Billie shrugged.

“I thought she was just one of those family friends! Like Mack before they got married.” She said quickly. “Did she have Tom and Pearl too?” Vince nodded for a second, wondering if he should come clean about Pearl. 

“Actually…” they both groaned at him. “She did have Tom, so you are actually siblings. Pearl though-” Flo cut him off.

“If you tell me Naboo birthed her I think I might throw up.” She frowned at him. Vince laughed.

“We’ll talk about that later , but no. She is a special case though. She actually is mine and Papa’s genetically. Naboo really is a shaman and he created her out of DNA he found at the flat.” He shrugged. “But the official paperwork for her says she’s Charlotte’s and Papa’s just because I don’t have any genetic diseases except amazing bouts of addiction.” He laughed to himself sadly. “Any other questions about our family unit?” He was positive there could be no more.

“We’ve met Papa’s mum, and even Granny Florence, but what happened to yours?” Flo asked quietly. Vince felt himself frown as he looked back at her.

“She is dead.” he cleared his throat. “But you ain’t missing much from her. She wasn’t a very good person.” 

“What did she do?” Billie seemed to be past her pent-up anger and was on to morbid curiosity.

“We can talk about that when you’re older, yeah? For now let’s stick to the sex talk.” He nodded at them. They nodded back and turned to look at the game. “Any other questions for me to answer?” They shook their heads. “Great. I’m gonna go tell Papa that it’s safe to come out now.” He laughed softly and stood.

Chapter Text

“So what seems to be the issue?” Doctor David folded his hands in front of himself and raised his eyebrows. He had been Vince and Howard’s therapist since Vince retired from touring so many years ago and he could always tell when they were in the middle of a fight. Usually it was in their body language, the way they would sit turned away from one another, even if they were hip to hip on the couch, they wouldn’t make eye contact, and neither of them would laugh or smile. If he was angry, Howard wouldn’t bring up the kids as if Vince wasn’t allowed to hear about them from Howard, and Vince would pick relentlessly at the hem of his shirt or the cuff of his jacket until he forgot what he was angry about.

“There is no issue.” Howard crossed his arms. “Not really , anyway, because we know how it’ll end so we’re just waiting unhappily.”

“Howard.” Vince said his partner’s name like a warning, confirming Doctor David’s suspicion. Vince chewed his bottom lip and watched David narrow his eyes at Howard.

“Alright, then. How will it end?” Doctor David watched Howard sigh roughly and scratch at his mustache.

“Vince will do what he wants, because he always does, the kids will be unhappy, I’ll be exhausted, and when he finally does get home he’ll get to be the cool parent that says yes to everything, and I’ll have to be the bad guy that reminds everyone that we can’t stay up all night eating ice cream and watching telly because we have school in the morning.” He crossed his leg away from Vince. Vince rolled his eyes.

“Howard, they are all old enough to miss me for a few weeks. I can’t believe you’re being such a baby about this.” Vince mirrored Howard’s position, turning away and crossing his arms.

“Vince is trying to leave the unit for a while?” Doctor David was a smart man, but part of his job was to make Vince and Howard talk about their issues. “What is he trying to accomplish by leaving?” 

“I’m only trying to do a reunion tour. I won’t miss anything important! Not even a birthday or a holiday! Howard is so concerned with me not being there for three weeks but he doesn’t seem to have an issue with allowing himself a week or two to go to his Jazzercise Conferences, or his out of town photography shows.” Vince rolled his eyes.

“Those aren’t the same, and you know it.” Howard snapped his head to face Vince.

“It is! Just because what I’m doing is a job doesn’t make it a bad thing! Have you got any idea how much money this tour could bring in for us?” Vince turned to face Howard with a frown.

“It’s all about money with you! Just admit that you don’t want to have responsibility for three weeks! You don’t want to be around me or the kids and you don’t care that I have to do double the work so you can fuck off and party!” Howard narrowed his eyes at Vince.

“What are you even talking about?” Vince shouted. Doctor David would let Vince and Howard shout it out if it was at least constructive, but it was quickly deteriorating into a pissing contest. “In what world have I ever wanted to party over be with you?” Vince held his arms out to gesture around himself.

“Do you want a list?” Howard raised his eyebrows, making Vince frown showing how hurt he was that Howard would even keep a list.

“Alright, I think we all need to take a moment.” Doctor David finally cut in. He tapped his pen against his notepad. “Vince,” Vince groaned, knowing that David tended to start with the party at fault. “You know how your leaving affects everyone around you. What are the reasons that make you want to go?” Vince sighed and looked to be thinking before speaking, a skill he picked up surprisingly recently.

“I want to go because I feel like I don’t have a life outside of the house. The kids and Howard are a great life to have, but I want to have something for me .” He ran a hand through his hair. 

“Can you elaborate on that?” David rested his hands on his steepled fingers. “Maybe address some of Howard’s concerns?” He looked at Howard as a sign that it was his turn to talk.

“The kids will miss you. I will miss you. You haven’t even considered that maybe we would want to go with you. What could touring give you that getting out of the house during the day couldn’t? You can say what you want Vince, but it's clear you’re just trying to get away from us.” Howard took a breath like he was going to continue but David held up his hand.

“Vince?” David knew he was just a referee for these two, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t good at it.

“Howard, I need a change of scenery for a bit but that doesn’t mean I don’t want them with me. It would just be a logistical nightmare to pull them out of school for three weeks, not to mention that they would all hate it!” Howard looked skeptical, “No, really, think about it. Flo gets panic attacks when she’s not at home for a long time, which we learned from trying to take them to Eurodisney. Billie would be overstimulated all the time because of the new environments and often loud noises. The air quality is frankly tragic in most of the places we perform so Tom would be on his inhaler 24/7. And poor Pearl wouldn’t know what was going on. She would need one of us to walk her through everything, but we wouldn’t be able to because we would be too busy dealing with an asthmatic, an anxiety case, and an adhd nightmare all while I’m still trying to do my job! You would have to be dad times three instead of times two.” Vince glared at Howard. “They are my children , I want to be with them more than anything but I know I can’t take them with me no matter how much that hurts. So how dare you think that I’m just trying to get away from them?” Vince’s question hung heavy in the air for a few moments while Howard thought over what Vince had said.

“So then why not just stay here?” Howard shrugged, his anger slipping momentarily. “Why not stay home, and not make anyone’s life harder if being with them was so important to you?” He was back to his pissy attitude.

“Are you not listening, you fucking-” Vince stood and balled his fists.

“ Vince .” Doctor David stopped his insult midway out of his mouth. Vince took a deep breath and turned away from Howard. He closed his eyes and took another shaky breath.

“I need this tour for me. I love the kids, I want to want to stay home. But I need to do something. I’m going insane. It’s been six years since I toured last, and it isn’t even a long tour. I can’t believe you would keep me locked up like some knock off princess story.” Vince crossed his arms again.

“Howard.” Doctor David narrowed his eyes and looked at the other man where he was still seated on the couch. “You’ve said here that you think of yourself as the kids' primary caretaker, and you’ve both admitted that October is a slow month. Be honest with yourself. Why do you not want Vince to go on tour so badly?” Howard frowned up at Vince and shook his head.

“What if I need you?” He shrugged, “Don’t you think I would miss you? Past needing your help, why would you want to get away from me so badly that leaving me for three weeks would be your best option? I’ve had you home for six years , Vince. You think I would be willing to give you up to the road again that easily?” Vince’s face softened and shook his head. “It’s such a slippery slope, Vince.” Vince nodded, remembering how week-long tours became a month before stretching into nearly a full year. If he went back to touring, how far would he let it go?

“So Howard, what I’m hearing is that you’re worried about losing Vince to fame again. Is that right?” Howard nodded without looking away from Vince. “Well, Vince, what do you have to say about that?” Vince reached toward Howard and grabbed his hand.

“I promise, this is the very last tour until we’re at least sixty. Then it’ll be a question of if our trick knees and toupees can last a few weeks, not if our relationship can. Besides, you guys can come see us when we’re in London, maybe even let the kids stay in a fancy hotel so you don’t have to worry about putting them to bed alone.” Howard still looked skeptical but he nodded all the same. “And I’ll call, I might even send some love letters like back when I was on the first tour.” Vince smiled to himself. “I’ll take naughty polaroids and send them to you.” He laughed softly at Howard’s blush.

“So for clarity, it’s settled? Vince will take his three week tour in October, and as a compromise, Vince won’t take another tour until all the kids are fully grown and Howard can go with him.”

“And I’ll send love letters with old fashioned nudes in it.” Vince squeezed Howard’s hand with a grin.

“And he’ll send love letters.” Doctor David rolled his eyes. “Great, since we have that settled, why don’t you two tell me about the Piney Ridge Incident. You’ve both referred to it a few times, but neither of you have elaborated. I get the sense that it was something…. rough for the two of you.” Vince and Howard made eye contact and immediately looked away from one another. 

Doctor David sighed and settled in for another insane story where one of them traumatized the other and they never spoke of it again.

Chapter Text

Howard knew it was going to be a bad day simply from the weather. The downpour meant he had to get everyone ready earlier so they could sit in traffic on the drive down the street to the two different schools. The downpour meant everyone was searching for galoshes and rain coats. Even worse, the downpour meant complaining about frizzy hair and wet feet all the while Howard felt an overwhelming sense of dread to match the gloomy atmosphere.

“Alright, chickens, out the door.” Vince pulled his own hood up and stood by the door to wave them all out. He watched them all trot to the car and pile in while he waited on Howard. “Hey?” Vince tapped his shoulder. “You coming with us, or should I take my second ever attempt behind the wheel in the rain?” He cracked a smile but it fell as soon as Howard made eye contact with him. “Are you alright?” He asked softly. Howard shook his head, like he could shake the bad feeling from behind his eyes.

“Just a bit of tightness in my chest. I’ll live.” Howard opened the junk drawer and grabbed his rarely used inhaler to slip in his pocket. “Ready?” He gestured for Vince to head on out before grabbing his hat off the rack and dropping it on his head. “Get it together, Howard.” He mumbled and jogged out into the rain to get to the driver’s side as quickly as possible.

Drop off was as painless as ever, though a bit soggier. They watched Tom carry Pearl to the door so he could run inside and not have to worry about her getting soaked.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Vince asked after Howard jumped at his hand landing on his knee. “You’re mighty jumpy today.” Howard rubbed his face and turned his head toward Vince.

“Something bad is gonna happen today, I’m sure of it.” He watched Vince frown.

“Like what?” Vince asked, “The kids are all safe at school, we don’t have plans past doing the weekly shop, the car just had its regular maintenance, even the storm is supposed to let up in an hour or two. What could go-” Howard covered Vince’s mouth.

“Don’t ask that, you’re just inviting bad things.” Howard frowned and dropped his hand, “Sorry.” He put the car in drive and followed the creeping line of traffic out of the drop off line. “This isn’t just regular anxiety, either, before you say that.” He sighed and glanced at Vince again. “Buckle your seatbelt, please.” Vince laughed softly.

“Alright, big man.” He sat in his seat the right way and refastened his seatbelt. “Anything specific though? Like, should we avoid the color purple, or something?” Howard could practically hear the grin in Vince’s voice.

“Don’t make fun of me.” Howard pulled out onto the street carefully. “I don’t need an impending disaster and you mocking me.” Vince dropped his hand back to Howard’s knee and shook his head.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just find it hard to register that you’re suddenly psychic and can sense disaster.” Vince paused for a moment, “But really, should we just head home and do the shop tomorrow, or is it not anything that's gonna happen to you and me?” Howard rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know, Vince. If I knew I would do something about it. You asked if I was okay, and I told you what was wrong. Now can we move on, please?” Vince held up his hands in defense and dropped the subject.

“Do you want to stop for coffees? Might help your chest.” He gestured to the sign for the Starbucks that was coming up. Howard shrugged and got into the turn lane so they could get lattes.

The rain had stopped by the time they got home from shopping. Howard seemed to relax a bit, but not enough to convince Vince everything was okay now. They put away the groceries while Vince jabbered about how excited he was to try to make a new recipe to cover his nervous energy. Howard sighed softly and closed a cabinet. He was trying to listen to Vince, but his mind was simply louder.

What could go wrong? All four of his kids were out of the house, his elderly mother and grandmother were in a different town a few hours away, all of their friends were doing countless things with their day. Anything could go wrong, anywhere . Howard could feel himself spiraling.

“Vince.” Howard tried to cut Vince off but he was mid-stream talking about steaming vegetables and how he had never realized how complex it really could be. “ Vince .” Howard could feel the anxiety bubbling up from his chest into his head, sounding like blood rushing through his ears but he knew better. “VINCE.” Howard shouted, making the other man turn and frown. His face fell quickly, seeing Howard all locked up.

“Howard?” He said softly, moving closer and putting his hands on Howard’s shoulders. “Breathe, you can have an anxiety attack all you want, but try not to set off your lungs, yeah?” Vince took a few deep breaths to try to help Howard breathe. “One attack at a time. You got your inhaler in your pocket still?” Howard nodded and let Vince lead him to the couch. “Sit down. Take a puff or two, I’ll make us some tea and we can talk about what’s giving you anxiety so bad.” Vince handed him the inhaler he had somehow managed to sneak out of Howard’s front pocket without him noticing and pushed him down onto the couch.

Howard tried to breathe through the anxiety, like Vince had said, but he felt his chest tightening up all the same. He lifted the inhaler to his lips, but he paused. It had been so long since he had actually used it. What if it didn’t work? What if he couldn’t get a deep enough breath to inhale the medication? What if it was too late? Was this the thing he was having anxiety about?

Vince sat down next to him and set two cups of tea on the coffee table.

“Go on. Have a suck.” He watched Howard think for a moment. “I can’t help you if you let yourself turn blue.” Howard finally did as he was asked. “That’s better, isn’t it?” He rubbed Howard’s back and watched Howard exhale, feeling his airways open back up slowly. Howard nodded and closed his eyes.

“Sorry, Vince.” He let Vince knead at his back while he tried to get his anxiety back down.

“Are you back with the living?” Vince rested his head against Howard’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around Howard’s middle. “What just happened, eh? What were you thinking about?” Howard took as deep a breath as he could muster to respond but he was interrupted by a loud cough. Vince went back to rubbing against his back while Howard got his coughing under control. “Just relax, Howard.” Vince helped him out of his coat, and removed his shoes so he could lay back on the couch. “Drink your tea, and I’ll finish with the groceries.” 

“Thank you, Vince.” Howard croaked. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his notifications. He noticed a missed call from his mother, though that wasn’t entirely unusual. She tended to call him once a week to see how everyone was, though this was one of the rare times he had elected not to answer. He pressed the speaker button to allow her voicemail to play without having to hold his phone to his head.

“Hello, Howie. Just checking in. I have some awful news to share with you and Vincent, but I suppose it should wait until you can come to the phone. Nothing too bad, don’t stress yourself out about it. Love you both.”

Howard froze and looked up to see Vince already staring at him.

“It’s probably nothing, Howard. Your mum is dramatic about stuff, we both know that. Besides, she said not to stress about it.” Vince narrowed his eyes at Howard and watched him press the call button. “Don’t be dumb, Howard. If you can’t handle it, then don’t call her right now.” 

“I’m fine , Vince. That wasn’t the first time I’ve stopped breathing.” Howard moved to press his phone to his head but Vince snapped his fingers.

“Oi, she said news for both of us. Speaker, please.” Howard rolled his eyes and let his phone rest against his chest. The phone trilled a few times before she finally picked up.

“Howie, darling. How are you all?” Her voice crackled from Howard’s phone. She never could get a good signal in her house.

“We’re all okay, Mum. Is everything alright at home? You said you have bad news.” He almost regretted asking, but he knew that was the reason he called her back at all.

“It’s about Granny Florence.” Howard felt the world stop moving. He looked up at Vince again as his face fell. It was as if they both knew what she was going to say before she said it. “She slipped and fell yesterday and they took her into hospital, but…” She paused long enough for them to hear her sigh, “Is Vincent with you?” Howard raised his eyebrows and looked at Vince.

“Yeah, yeah Mum, he's here. You’re on speaker.” Howard didn’t break eye contact with Vince.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you both this, but she passed this morning. I’ve been trying to deal with the arrangements, but it’s all just a bit much if I’m honest. I hadn’t a moment to grieve, really.” They both heard her sniffle and clear her throat. “I thought you would like to come up and bring the children. You know, for the funeral.” Howard nodded, even though he knew she couldn’t see him. “Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve seen them, it could be nice to not be alone for a bit.” Howard nodded again.

“Uh, yeah. Absolutely, Mum. Wh… when do you plan on having it?” Howard watched Vince sit at the table and fold his hands in front of himself. 

Vince and Florence had had a strange relationship. She was the closest thing he had to a real mother figure, though she rarely acted as such. She volunteered to take care of Vince not long after retiring from her job as the local nurse, much in the same way people tended to get hobbies or pets. She housed him, though she had Howard and his mother living with them as well. She clothed him, though they were always the most hideous clothes Vince had ever seen. She fed him, as well as everyone else in the house. Florence Moon was a caregiver by nature and Vince just happened to need care.

“Alright, we’ll be there tomorrow afternoon then.” Howard’s voice brought Vince back to the present.

“Good. My love to you all. I’ll see you very soon.” She still sounded sad, but she wasn’t on the verge of tears anymore, which was good. Vince glanced over at Howard and noticed his deep set frown.

“We love you too, Mum.” Howard hung up the phone and looked at Vince again. “Alright?” Vince nodded.

“Are you?” Howard shrugged, “Not gonna go off again, are you?” He chuckled in an attempt to hide how sad he felt. “I know she was in her 90’s but it's still a shocker that she died, right?” Vince asked from his place at the table. “She was supposed to live forever.” Vince watched Howard’s face scrunch up.

“She was nearly a hundred, Vince.” He shrugged. “I know you were closer to her than I was, but she was probably wasting away.” Howard thought to move and comfort Vince but he found his knees were still shaky from his previous attack. “I don’t know if you heard, but Mum said she didn’t suffer when she passed.” 

“Yeah, fat lot of good not suffering does when you’re dead .” Vince stood and cleared his throat. “I’m gonna go start packing for us and Pearl.” Vince stepped toward the hallway. “Don’t get up yet. You still need to rest.” He turned when he heard Howard beginning to stand.

“I’m going to sit in our room while you pack.” Howard grabbed both cups of lukewarm tea along with his inhaler and followed Vince down the hallway. He knew Vince didn’t do so well alone on a regular day.

The next morning the kids sat at the breakfast table, confused and half asleep. Half of them weren’t even out of their pajamas yet, though it was quickly approaching time to leave.

“Why haven’t we left for school yet?” Billie stood quickly and grabbed her shoes. “We’ll be late… again .” Howard shook his head at her and gestured for her seat. She sat back down slowly and narrowed her eyes. “Are you holding us hostage or something?”

“We’re not going to school for the next few days. We’re going to see Nan. Eat your breakfast.” He watched Billie look suspiciously at her bowl of cereal before shrugging and taking a large spoonful.

“Will we get to see Granny Florence too?” She was suddenly pleased. The twins had met her a few times, and every time she had made a positive impression. Vince’s chest ached a bit as he shook his head.

“That’s actually why we’re going.” Vince very suddenly realized they hadn’t experienced a death before this one. “You all know Granny Florence was old, right? Because she was. She was nearly a hundred.” The kids all nodded.

“ Christ , did she die?” Tom frowned. “Are we going to her funeral? Is that why we aren’t going to school?” His frown morphed into a grimace as Vince nodded back at him.

“Nan called us yesterday to tell us. We already told your schools and we’ll be back Monday.” Howard picked up his tea and watched their faces closely. Billie and Flo seemed to be the saddest, though that was predictable. They were the only ones that actually knew her to some level. Tom was clearly more worried about everyone else and Pearl was too sleepy to have even heard the announcement.

“It’s okay to feel sad, or to not really feel anything at all about it. Death is weird for everyone.” Vince sighed softly. “Just know, me and Papa are here to talk about it, yeah?” Everyone nodded. “When you’re done, go pack a bag.”

 While the kids got the last of their things together, Howard and Vince began loading the car.

“Are you okay?” Howard asked quietly. Vince nodded. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. She was old. I’ve come to terms with it.” He dropped Tom’s suitcase at Howard’s feet. “Are you okay? She was your grandmother, after all.” Howard leaned down to put the last of the luggage into the trunk.

“I’m alright. As far as bad things go, that was the least bad thing I can think of.” He closed the door and turned to Vince. Vince looked tired. Howard knew he didn’t sleep well from all the tossing and turning he had felt through the night. He pulled Vince into a hug and held him until he felt Vince hug him back.

“She was just an old woman. Why am I torn up about this?” Vince’s voice was muffled against Howard’s shoulder. “I’m not even related to her!” Howard laughed softly at Vince’s frustration.

“Because she’s the only person that raised you.” He pulled back and raised his eyebrows. “Your mother didn’t fight for you when you were taken from her, but Florence fought to take you in against the local foster home. She even roughed me up a little when I was being a twat to you for taking my place as the self proclaimed man of the house .” Vince laughed softly and shook his head.

“We both know I couldn’t have taken your place as man of the house. I’m only a touch older than you.” Vince rubbed his eyes with a chuckle. “But I didn’t know she roughed you up. She roughed me up too.” Howard laughed and pulled Vince back to his chest.

“She was a tough old bird, and she’ll be missed. Besides, you told the kids that it's okay to be upset about this. Let yourself be sad, yeah?” He felt Vince nod against his shoulder before pulling away.

“I’m gonna tell the kids it's time to go.” Vince ruffled his own hair a bit and glanced at Howard again. “Thanks, Howard.” he cleared his throat and turned to go inside.

Howard moved around to the driver seat and started the car. The whole trunk was full of suitcases and various backpacks, making his view out the back window a little rough, though he remembered before the kids how much worse it was. Vince had learned to condense his packing down to four bags, instead of taking up the entire car. Howard set his phone up on the dash as his GPS and waited for their brood to load into the car. He glanced back at everyone as they settled in.

“Ready?” Vince got into his seat with a smile. Howard nodded and checked the mirrors one final time before starting the car. It wasn’t a very long drive, as far as road trips went, but the four hours went easily. Everyone had their own headphones, or books, or they napped. By the time Vince had finally fallen asleep everyone was occupied. He even managed to turn on some jazz at a low volume so no one noticed. It was nice. It was like having a few moments to himself.

“What are we listening to?” He glanced in the mirror, expecting everyone to be asleep. Tom was sitting directly behind Howard.

“This is bebop, sir.” Howard smiled at him, “More specifically this is Calamitous Colin Lawrence. Only jazz musician on record to play three kazoos at the same time.” He kept glancing back at his son as he listened to the music.

“Do you like this music?” Tom finally spoke again. Howard nodded.

“Yes, sir. This is my favorite album even.” Howard laughed softly. “Do you like it?” He tried to push away the hope that his only son would enjoy this one interest that, seemingly, no one else in the world shared.

“Why don’t you listen to it more?” Tom closed his book and leaned forward to talk to Howard a bit better. “We listen to Dad’s favorite music all the time. Why is it never your turn?”  Howard resisted the urge to laugh.

“We don’t listen because Flo and Dad are both allergic to it. I would rather not listen to it than listen to them moan about having a rash, don’t you agree?” Howard watched Tom frown slightly.

“Why don’t you ever listen when they aren’t home? There's loads of times where it was just you and me and Pearl and you still don’t play it.” Tom shrugged.

“I didn’t think you would like it, if I’m honest. Most people can’t really get into it.” Howard shrugged back. “I didn’t exactly want you to have to listen to something you don’t like.” Howard reached forward to turn off the music but he stopped when he felt Tom’s hand on his shoulder.

“No. Don’t turn it off.” He sat back and crossed his arms. “It's interesting.” He turned and watched the countryside whizz by them.

“Oh.” Howard wasn’t expecting that. “If you want I can put on some better jazz than this. Colin Lawrence’s music is… a strange nook of the beast that is jazz.” Tom made eye contact through the mirror and nodded. Howard felt a strange buzzing in his chest as he changed the CD. The soft saxophone trailed through the air making Howard take a deep breath subconsciously.

“Who’s this?” Tom asked about four minutes into the album.

“This is John Coltrane.” Howard bobbed his head to the beat. “Do you like it?” Tom nodded.

“It’s interesting.” Howard wasn’t in the least surprised to hear his son stunned out of words about the jazz music. He remembered his grandmother showing him this album when he was young. She had it on vinyl and she would play it every Sunday while she cleaned her house. At least, she did until Vince came to live with them. Howard remembered the first Sunday of his entire life that he woke up to hear The Beatles’ Rubber Soul playing from the record player instead of John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme .

“Oh, well, Vincent got a terrible rash last time and I don’t want to cause him any more discomfort.” She had said to him. That had set Howard on a mission to prove that Vince was allergic to something other than jazz music, though he only proved Vince right. Somehow he did have an allergy to a genre of music, though no one had ever heard of it before.

Howard smiled to himself and snuck another glance back at Tom. He was back to reading but he was tapping his fingers along with the drum beat. The album wasn’t very long, as far as albums went, but it was the perfect length for the end of the trip.

The final note had faded out just as Howard took the exit into Leeds. He reached over and pulled one of Vince’s headphones out of his ears.

“Hey.” He nudged his shoulder until he finally woke up. “Nearly there. About ten minutes.” Vince groaned and stretched his arms out.

“Sorry for crashing out like that. I didn’t mean to.” He yawned. Howard rolled his eyes. Vince always said that, though he managed to fall asleep everytime they were in the car for longer than an hour or two.

“It’s alright, Vince.” Howard slowed to a stop at one of the lights.

“Tom, can you wake your older sisters please.” Vince asked softly. “I can’t reach them.” Tom nodded and reached back to nudge them awake the same way Howard had just done to Vince. “Leave Pearl though. Knowing her, she’ll probably sleep until dinner and then sleep some more tonight.” Vince twisted around stretching his back out as much as he could. Sleeping in the car was an art form and he was out of practice.

Howard glanced back again and smiled at the girls as they put their headphones away and looked for their shoes. Neither of them woke up gracefully, and this was no exception. Flo started redoing her hair while Billie put her hands on her face to try to wake up.

They arrived at the yellow house at the end of the street faster than Howard anticipated. The house looked a bit worse for wear but overall it was exactly how Howard remembered it. Vince smiled to himself and unbuckled his seatbelt.

“Alright don’t touch anything. Your Nan has a lot of breakable shit and I don’t want to hear her talking about how rambunctious you all are.” Vince opened his door as Howard turned off the car. “She’ll also want to give you all a kiss and hug, and before you ask yes you have to hug her. I don’t want to hear her complain about how much you all hate her. You don’t know her, but she’s had a weekly update on you guys your whole lives. Pretend like she's your fan or something if that makes you feel better.” Vince pulled Pearl out of her seat. She was so much heavier than he remembered. 

Howard moved to the trunk and started pulling everyone’s suitcases down while Vince moved to the door. He rang the doorbell and tried to wake up a bit more before Margret Moon opened the door.

“Oh!” She smiled at Vince standing there, holding a seven year old and surrounded by preteens. “Come in!” She moved out of the way. Vince followed Margret to the sitting room. “You can put her here.” Vince laid Pearl on the couch and immediately turned to hug her.

“How are you?” He asked her. She kissed him on the cheek as she pulled back with a smile.

“I’m doing okay. How are you and Howie handling it?” She squeezed his shoulder. Vince only shrugged. “Let's see the sprog, then!” She turned around to face the three kids behind her.

“Marg, this is Billie, Flo, and Tom. Pearl is on the couch.” He stood next to her and raised his eyebrows at the kids. They all smiled at her and waved as he introduced them. “The girls are twins and they’re fifteen next month, and Tom is eleven.” She stepped toward them and smiled at them all.

“I haven’t seen you girls since you were barely old enough to speak, and Tom . It’s so good to meet you! You look just like your dad.” She smiled.

“Oh, I don’t share any genes with Dad.” Tom watched her look confused for a moment.

“I forgot. You call him Papa , right? I mean to say you look like Howie when he was your age. I think I might have a photo of him around here somewhere.” She turned and looked at all the tables for a moment.

“Mum, please don’t bust out the baby photos. They don’t want to see that.” Howard stepped into the entryway and set down all the suitcases in his arms.

“Howie!” She stepped up to him and pulled him down into a hug. He was much taller than she was, but that didn’t stop her from grabbing him all the same. “How was the trip? I know you drove, so you’d know better than they would.” She laughed to herself and pulled back. Howard laughed softly.

“The trip was fine. Everyone slept except me and Tom, but we kept ourselves occupied with Gran’s favorite album.” He stepped back to the door and closed it. “Everyone, grab your bag, we’ll take you to your room.”

“Did he say room ? Like there’s only one ?” Billie cringed and glanced at Tom. 

“We all have to share ?” Flo added, directing her question at Howard as he climbed the creaky stairs.

“Yes. You will have to share with Tom. There aren’t that many rooms in the house.” He opened the door to Vince’s old room. It had changed a bit since he was gone, but not too much. There were two beds now along with a cot pushed against the walls.

“Fine, but I get one of the beds.” Billie pushed her way into the room, and dropped her bag on the end of a bed. Flo moved to the other and dropped her bag on it.

“I guess I'll get the cot then.” Tom rolled his eyes. “Not like I’m taller than you guys or anything.” He sat on the low makeshift bed and glared up at Howard. He just shrugged in response.

“The good news is that Pearl is gonna stay in our room, so it's just you three in here and you don’t have to worry about her moving things in her sleep or setting something on fire. That’ll be mine and Dad’s problem.” They all sighed in relief.

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Papa. I was worried about that.” Billie shook her head. “I love her but I also want to sleep at some point in this trip.” Howard nodded and watched them settle in for a moment before clapping his hands together.

“Well. Dinner is usually around 7. Feel free to explore.” He stepped back out of the room and back down to the sitting room. “The other three are in your old room. You, me, and Pearl are going to share mine.” Vince nodded.

“Do you want to move her? I can start unpacking while she has her sleepy, but I feel like she’d be more comfortable in bed.” Vince stood and grabbed one of the suitcases while Howard scooped up Pearl. They both moved up the stairs to Howard’s room. Unlike Vince’s, which never really had much personality to begin with, Howard’s room was almost exactly how he had left it. 

Vince was thankful for Howard’s large stature often enough, but this time it was because of the king sized bed in the center of the back wall. It was big enough for Vince and Howard, and Vince was sure there was plenty of room for Pearl as well. Howard dropped her in the middle of the mattress with a sigh. He watched her worm her way under the blankets and sheets before settling back in.

“Margret said the funeral is going to be tomorrow afternoon.” Vince put the bag he carried on the bed and unzipped it. “She also said that Florence left us a few things in her will, which was nice of her.” Vince shrugged.

“Well, we were her only family.” Howard sat next to the bag and laid back. “Her sister died a few years back and she never had any kids. It’s just me and Mum as the final Moon’s in Leeds.” Vince grimaced.

“Well now I feel bad that we gave them all my last name.” He looked at Howard. “If we ever have another, we should give it Moon, just to be fair.” Howard laughed.

“Vince, the ridicule I endured through school with the last name Moon was enough to convince me to never give that name to a child. Noir is fine for the next one.” Vince found himself caught on the idea of having another. He had never given a fifth kid any thought before, but he could tell it would be lodged in the front of his mind for a little while.

“The next one.” VInce sighed softly, closing the drawer to the dresser. “You reckon we’ll end up getting another one?” He turned to face Howard. Howard had laid back on the end of the bed, letting his hat fall behind him. He opened his eyes in surprise.

“I thought we were good with four.” Howard laughed softly. “Do you want another?” Vince shrugged, and looked at the suitcase just so he didn’t have to look at Howard. He knew if he made eye contact with the other man then his wishes would be realized far sooner than he wanted them to be.

“I dunno.” He was suddenly nervous. He hadn’t expected to have this conversation in the first place, but certainly not while standing in Howard’s childhood bedroom preparing to attend a funeral. “It would be your turn, so I guess it’s up to you really.” Howard sat up straight.

“Right, but would you want to do that? I mean, we’re nearly done. They can all speak and generally mind themselves for the most part. Do you really want to start over?” He grabbed one of Vince’s hands to make him stop unpacking.

“If you want to have another then we should have one.” Vince looked at Howard. He didn’t want to start over but the moment he thought about having a little baby in the house again, and all the little clothes, and learning a brand new person made him change his mind. 

“So you do want one then?” Howard laughed softly. “Because I don’t want you to make a choice just because you think I want one.” 

“I want to do what you want.” Vince watched Howard think for a moment. “You get more of a say than I do this time, and I support whatever you decide.”

“I do miss having a baby to worry about all the time.” Howard smiled. “I’ll think about it.” He watched Vince smile before finishing his unpacking.

“I’ll talk to Charlotte too. Now that she and Mack are married it might be different.” Vince pulled the bag off the bed and sat next to Howard. “I wish you hadn’t put her in the very middle of the bed. I want a sleepy too, but I know she’ll push me off the bed eventually.” Vince laughed and laid his head on Howard’s shoulder.

“Well, get ready. That's our next week.” Howard patted Vince’s knee and stood. “I’m going down to talk to Mum. Sleep well.” Vince rolled his eyes and leaned down to pull off his shoes. He would sleep well. He pulled back the blankets and pushed Pearl closer to the other side of the bed so he at least started with enough room. 

When Vince woke up he was on the floor and his hip hurt. He sat up and glared at the child laying spread eagle in the center of the mattress. He glanced at the alarm clock and pushed himself to his feet. It was probably about time for dinner. Vince checked his hair in the mirror over the dresser and made his way down to the living room.

He stopped in the doorway and watched Tom try to explain the plot of his book to Billie. He was waving his arms and saying far more Russian words than Vince thought he knew, 

“Wait, I thought Natasha died in childbirth?” Billie rubbed her temples while Tom shook his head.

“No, no. You aren’t listening. Lise died. Their child lived, but now Prince Andrei is finding a new reason for living through Natasha.” Tom explained. He sounded just like Howard when he was frustrated.

“Right, and Bolkonsky told Andrei and Natasha they couldn’t get married, right?” Flo said from the back of the room. Vince hadn’t noticed her at first.

“Bolkonsky is Andrei.” Tom groaned.

“Why would he tell her they couldn’t get married and then run away as if he didn’t do it. That doesn’t make sense, Tom.” Billie made a face at him.

“Yeah, are you sure you read it right?” Flo stepped towards him, “Because it sounds like you’re confused on the characters.” Tom glared at her.

“ YES . I’m sure I read it right. You two aren’t listening.” He sighed and crossed his arms. “Andrei’s father told them they had to wait a year before getting married. Andrei went off to finish healing from his wounds from the war!” 

“Why does Natasha even want to be with this guy? He sounds like a total jerk-off.” Billie rolled her eyes. “Why doesn’t she just stay single, or maybe even go off with Sonya?” Tom shook his head at her.

“I’m not even going to continue. You aren’t paying attention and you think everyone is a ‘total jerk-off’, so I won’t even get to the suicide attempt.” He sat down on the other end of the couch and crossed his arms. Billie perked up.

“ Suicide attempt ? OH come on, Tommy, I’m sorry I kept interrupting you! Who tries to kill themself?” She clasped her hands together. “ Please !” He shook his head again and looked away from her. Billie groaned.

“I’ll bet it was Andrei. He’s such a cu-” Flo bit her tongue the moment she noticed Vince standing in the doorway. “A…n interesting character, and he’s lost so much.” He rolled his eyes at her and turned away to the dining room. He watched Howard set the table for a moment.

“Are you going to stand there and watch, or do you want to help me?” Howard turned and leaned against the table with a sneaky little grin.

“I figured I would just watch.” Vince crossed his arms. “You know your son is trying to explain the plot of War and Peace to the girls in there?” He nodded his head back over his shoulder to Tom pacing the floor again, clearly telling the story again.

“Is that what he’s been reading? We ought to get him an ipad or something so he doesn’t have to carry big books with him all the time.” Howard laughed. He handed Vince the stack of plates.

“I tried! He told me he likes the smell of the books!” Vince shrugged. Howard started setting out the glasses.

“He’s so pretentious.” Howard laughed. “I’m proud of him, obviously, but he doesn’t want to make reading easier simply because of the smell?” Vince shook his head.

“No, actually. Worse. He started soliloquising about the benefits of holding the weight in his hands, and feeling the crisp edges of the paper .” Vince laughed. “Sounds a bit familiar though. I seem to remember someone saying something similar about buttons on phones, and not wanting a touch screen.”

“That’s different, and you know it.” Howard narrowed his eyes at Vince. “Touch screens make it harder to find what you’re looking for. A simple ‘menu’ button and a ‘select’ key is all I’m asking for.” He found himself standing next to Vince at the far end of the table, watching Tom across the hallway get progressively more frustrated with his sisters.

“You’re lucky they still have real volume buttons.” Vince sniped back, though he wasn’t paying attention to their conversation. Howard’s hand came around and rested on Vince’s side.

“Do you really want to have another?” He heard Howard speak quietly. Vince looked at him and shrugged.

“Worth thinkin about, at least, yeah?” Howard shrugged slightly. “I mean, one more so that Pearl has someone to fight with like they do. Couldn’t hurt.” He stepped into the kitchen where Margret was pulling something out of the oven.

“Vincent, darling, can you have Howie get the drinks together? Are the kids old enough for wine at dinner?” She set a casserole on the stovetop to cool a bit. Vince laughed.

“I don’t think they’ve ever had wine, but I suppose there's a first for everything, yeah?” Vince turned with a grin. “Margie wants to know if the kids can have wine tonight. I think it could be fun.” Vince asked Howard. Howard sighed softly.

“ One glass. That’s it.” Vince cheered and started making his way to the living room to tell them. “And Pearl doesn’t get any.” Howard called after him. Vince spun around on his heel with a grin.

“Oh come on Howard, we both know she wouldn’t even like it.” He winked and turned back around.

“So the Russians are at war, right? So-”

“Well duh , it's called WAR and Peace.” Billie rolled her eyes, “We aren’t thick, ya know.” She shook her head and glanced at Flo who only shrugged in response.

“Can you shut up?” Tom snapped at her. “You’ve only interrupted me every step of the way, and I’m just about through but you will not let me finish.” The girls both put their hands up in defense. “Thank you.” He cleared his throat. “So, the Russians pull back, Napoleon gets Moscow. In the fight that Pierre witnessed first hand Anatole has lost a leg, and Andrei has experienced a grenade burst to the chest cavity. Both are dead.” Flo’s mouth was dropped open.

“What happens next!?” She all but shouted. Vince looked around the room and noticed Pearl laying against Billie on the couch. She must’ve crept down and joined them while Howard and Vince had set the table.

“I don’t know!” Tom threw his hands in the air. “That’s where I was when you both asked me what I was reading nearly an hour ago!” Billie scoffed at him.

“So what have you been doing this whole time? Read, dammit! So you can tell us what happened!” Tom glared at her and opened his mouth to respond. Vince felt that it was time to interject.

“Oi!” He stepped into the room. “It’s time to eat. Do you three want wine with dinner?” He watched them all exchange glances.

“Is this a trick?” Tom asked. “To see if we’d say yes even though we’re all underage?” Billie snapped her fingers.

“That must be it.” She turned to look at Vince, “No. I will wait until I’m sixteen, like a good girl.” Vince laughed softly and shook his head.

“It’s not a trick. We figured since Granny Florence gave us wine when we were your age that you should get to try some too.” Vince watched them all look at one another as if they shared some unspoken language.

“I would love some…?” Flo clearly figured someone had to test the waters. Vince nodded.

“Great, anyone else?” The other two jumped on board immediately. They all followed him into the dining room and sat down in the same order they always sat in at home. Vince grinned as he set their wine glasses in front of them and poured a bit of wine for them. “Right, drink slow. It’s also probably not gonna taste very good to begin-”

“That was great. Can I have more?” Billie’s glass was empty. Vince sighed.

“I said drink slow , Bill.” he poured half a glass more and narrowed his eyes at her. “You don’t get more than that.” She rolled his eyes.

“Oh, come on! It’s just wine, Dad.” she picked up the water Howard had set out. Vince rolled his eyes back at her and shook his head.

“Yeah, and you’re just fourteen.” He poured the rest of the wine in his own glass. “Be grateful I gave you any at all.” He lifted the bottle to his lips to get the dregs and set the bottle on the table. “Shit, that is good wine.” He sat down in his seat across from the girls.

“Can I have some, Dad?” Pearl asked quietly from his left. He shook his head.

“Sorry, Pearly. You’re a bit too young still.” He watched her pout for a moment before caving in. “You know what?” He asked softly. He took a few gulps from his wine glass so it wasn’t so full. “Don’t tell Papa, yeah?” He passed his glass down for her to take a sip. “You won’t like it.” She made a face as soon as the words had left his lips.

“Gross.” She picked up her cup of water. “How can you drink that stuff?” Vince shrugged.

“It’s an acquired taste.” He put his glass farther away from her. Howard and Margret eventually came into the dining room with their hands full of dishes.

“Papa, did you want some wine?” Flo asked. Howard shook his head with a soft chuckle.

“I had a beer earlier while we were cooking dinner. I’m fine.” Howard watched each of them drink their wine slowly, as Vince instructed.

“Do you remember the first time Granny Florence gave you both your first wine at dinner?” Margret asked as she sat down. “You both drank nearly the entire bottle.” Vince laughed and shook his head.

“Right. What she didn’t know was that I had been drinking since I was a kid because there tended to be vodka in the house when there was no water to be found.” He realized he was the only one laughing. “Oh come on. That was ages ago. We can laugh now, surely.” He watched Howard shake his head with a small smile. “That wasn’t even Howard’s first alcohol. We snuck one of those bottles out of that cabinet the moment I realized it wasn’t really locked!” Howard did laugh at that.

“I was so sick after that. I was sure I could out drink you.” Howard shook his head. His smile fell the moment he made eye contact with his mother. “Oh, Mum, don’t be so shocked. Next thing you didn’t know about us stealing Gran’s cigarettes.”

“What!” She placed a hand on her chest in shock. “Howie! You have asthma! What were you thinking?” Howard rolled his eyes.

“My asthma hasn’t bothered me since I was young, and you know it.” He glanced at Tom. “Don’t smoke cigarettes.” He watched Tom roll his eyes and sigh.

“Papa, they reek, I don’t want to smoke them.” He picked up his wine and grimaced, “I don’t really want to finish this wine, if I’m honest.” Billie held her hand out for him to pass it to her. Flo looked over at her sister and then to Tom. They all nodded quickly, thinking no one had noticed their glances.

“Hey, what did that mean?” Vince narrowed his eyes, “You best not be up to something. I don’t want to clean up your messes.”

“Oh, come on, Vince. What could they get into? Relax.” Howard found himself repeating that sentence to Vince multiple times that evening. Even as they were settling into bed he had to remind Vince. “We got into all the trouble we possibly could have in this house. There’s nothing they could do that we haven’t already done.” Howard took off his watch and set it on the bedside table.

“That’s what bothers me, Howard. I know what we managed to get up to and that was with only two of us. There are three of them, and at least one of them is smarter than both of us combined.” Howard rolled his eyes.

“Do you want me to check on them? Make sure they’re really getting into bed and not trying to tunnel through the wall?” Howard flipped off the overhead light leaving just the bedside lamps. Vince glared at him from his place.

“Yes, actually. Go make sure they’ve brushed their teeth. I don’t want the wine to stain.” He crossed his arms. Howard shook his head, but he left the room and stepped down the hallway as he was asked. He knocked on the open door and peeked his head in.

“Settling in alright?” He asked quietly. All three of the kids glanced up at him.

“Yeah. It’s alright.” Billie smiled and pulled the blanket over herself. “Is it always this cold though?” Howard nodded.

“Unfortunately. It doesn’t help that it's January either, though. This old house is drafty in the winter.” He leaned against the doorframe with a sigh. “Alright down there, Tom?” Tom sat up and glared.

“Absolutely not.” He propped himself up on his arms. “This cot is too short, and it's cold in here. I might as well be sleeping on the floor.” He groaned.

“If you decide to do that let me know. I’ll take the cot and let Pearl sleep on it.” Howard laughed. “It’s alright though. You can swap with someone tomorrow night, right girls?” The girls grumbled in response, but he knew they would figure it out amongst themselves.

“Me and Dad are in the next room. If you need us don’t hesitate to get us, yeah?” He turned around to leave, but he paused. “Good night. Sleep well. Remember the funeral is tomorrow.” They all said good night quietly as Howard pulled their door to a close and moved back into his room.

Vince was shifting pillows around while Pearl wiggled into her place. She grinned up at Howard as he sat down.

“Comfortable?” He asked with a chuckle. She nodded and laid back. “Good.” He leaned over her to give Vince a quick kiss. “Goodnight.” He had moved to settle against the pillows when he heard Pearl clear her throat. He looked over at her and raised his eyebrows. “Yes?”

“Don’t I get a kiss?” She seemed to make her big brown eyes glitter. He rolled his eyes and kissed her cheek. “Goodnight, Papa.”

“Go to sleep.” He bit back a laugh as he closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax.

It was still dark when he woke up again. He had a small foot pressed into the center of his back and a stunning lack of covers causing him to shiver. He looked over his shoulder and saw Pearl’s head against Vince’s stomach while they both snored away, unaware that they had woken him. He sat up and moved Pearl to lay on the pillows again. Before he could pull the blanket back over himself he heard a laugh. He checked the alarm clock and decided that it was far too late for anyone to still be awake.

Howard pulled himself out of bed and picked up a sweater before stepping out into the cold hallway. He peeked into the bedroom the other three had been left in and found it empty. He heard muffled speaking coming from outside. With a brief shake of his head he peeked out the window at the end of the hall and saw Tom’s shadow against the grass of the back yard. He let out a soft chuckle and started down the stairs. On his way to the back door he checked the liquor cabinet and noticed it was open very slightly.

“No! That’s the fucked part!” Howard pulled the door open just in time to see Tom take a long drink out of a bottle of brandy. “Tolstoy said that great things happen because of the passing effects from regular people, which I suppose is right! But the whole book only showed that the “little people” in the world are the great things!” Tom shook his head and moved to pass the bottle back to his sisters. The girls noticed Howard immediately, but Tom’s peripheral vision seemed to be failing him.

“How much of that have you had?” Howard took the bottle from his outstretched hand. He watched Tom’s eyes grow wide as he realized he had been caught.

“None… of it…” He clearly lied as he swayed on his feet slightly. Howard rolled his eyes and turned to the girls.

“I’m not upset with you, I just need to know if you’re going to be sick.” He gently pushed Tom to sit on the outdoor couch with a soft laugh. “I expected you all to come down here the moment your Dad mentioned that the liquor cabinet isn’t locked.” He took a drink out of the bottle and grimaced. “How are you drinking this? It tastes like battery acid.” They all shrugged.

“If you drink more it doesn’t taste as bad.” Flo sighed softly. “I don’t think I’ll be sick, but I am terribly sleepy.” Howard nodded and pulled his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.

“That’ll happen when you drink a ton of brandy.” He lit the cigarette hanging out of his mouth. They all sat on the couch silently, avoiding eye contact with him. “You can keep drinking too. I’m assuming Tom finished War and Peace so he was telling you the ending.” They all nodded.

“Please don’t be mad at us, Papa.” Billie frowned. “We just wanted to see what it was like for you and Dad when you were young, we didn’t mean to get caught!” She sat forward as if he was preparing to punish them.

“You’re not in any trouble.” He chuckled to himself, “Your hangovers will be more than enough punishment.” Tom scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“We won’t have hangovers. He’s trying to make us feel bad.” Tom nodded. “You have to drink a lot more than that to get hung over.” Howard held the mostly empty bottle up.

“60% alcohol content will get you a hangover, sir.” He laughed and put his cigarette back in his mouth. “In fact.” He paused and exhaled, “Brandy tends to give one of the worst hangovers.” He watched them frown at one another in fear. “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll help you through it. You’ll survive.” He laughed softly.

“Papa, I don’t want to have a hangover.” Flo frowned. “I don’t even feel drunk!” She threw her arms in the air in an attempt at a shrug. Howard laughed softly.

“Alright, stand up.” She frowned at him. “Come on, stand up. All three of you, on your feet. We’re gonna do some tests to see how drunk you all are.” They all laughed and stood.

“You really aren’t mad at us?” Billie asked, swaying a bit on her feet. Howard shook his head at her.

“I’m really not, I promise.” Howard stubbed out his cigarette. “Do you think you could all make it upstairs and to bed again? Or do I need to carry you all like little babies?” He watched them all laugh. “Alright, stand on one foot and count from one thousand.”

Flo immediately balanced on one foot and started counting, though she seemed to struggle with keeping her foot off the ground. Billie kept nearly falling every time she started counting, making her laugh even more. Tom managed to do as he was asked, though he had his arms straight out to the sides to help him balance. Howard shook his head at his children.

“Alright, you can stop.” They were all giggling by the time they had sat back down on the couch. “I’m cold.” Howard pulled his sweater tighter around himself. “Are you ready to get back to bed?” They all nodded at him. “Alright, up you get.” He watched them all trail inside. He took the brandy into the kitchen and set it down on the counter to look at later. He grabbed three plastic cups and filled them with water. He knew almost for a fact that they weren’t properly hydrating while they drank their swill. He took the cups upstairs and to their room, where the three kids were experiencing the spins for the first time.

“Papa, when I close my eyes I feel like I’m in a washing machine, is that normal?” Billie asked as he set her cup of water on the bedside table. He laughed softly and nodded.

“Yes, that happens when you drink too much too quickly.” She groaned softly. “Sit up for me.” He pulled her to sit up. “Drink this before you go to sleep so you don’t vomit.” She made a face but pulled the cup to her mouth. “Don’t go to sleep yet. I’ll be back with painkillers.”

“ Painkillers ? Are you going to beat us? Why do we need painkillers?” Flo whined, making Howard laugh. He helped her sit up and handed her her cup.

“When have I ever beat you?” He laughed again, “It’s for the headache you’re going to get when the alcohol finishes passing through your system.” She groaned and flopped back onto her pillow.

“When will the horrors end?” She frowned and dropped her arm over her eyes dramatically. Howard didn’t think he had ever rolled his eyes as much as he had since arriving back home. He moved to the cot and gave Tom the last cup of water.

“Drink that, I’ll be back.” He stood and moved to the hall bathroom. He pulled out a bottle of ibuprofen and moved back to their room. He paused when he saw all three of them already asleep. With a soft sigh he placed one pill next to each of their cups of water and kissed all three of their foreheads before shutting off the light.

It was interesting to see his children experiencing drunkenness in the same room he and Vince had. They would likely wake up with headaches and dry mouths along with maybe a bit of indigestion. He was sure they would whine and complain about how upset their stomachs would be, as well as how tired they felt even though they couldn’t fall back to sleep. At least that was what his first hangover was like, and he didn’t remember drinking nearly as much as they had.

He had to move Pearl again before getting back into bed, and pulling the blanket back over all three of them. He closed his eyes and tried to prepare himself for the complaints the next morning would bring.

The next day was the funeral. Vince and Howard got up rather early and began getting ready. It was still cold out, though it had finally stopped snowing. Howard got into the shower and debated whether to tell Vince about their children’s escapades from the night before. He wasn’t sure how Vince would take it. He was usually pretty easy going so there was a chance that Vince would laugh it off and poke fun at them, but he had already been suspicious that they were scheming so maybe he wouldn’t laugh it off. Howard jumped at the sound of Vince entering the bathroom.

“Just me.” He said as he wiped off the mirror. “Did you get out of bed last night for a smoke?” Vince asked with a laugh. “I figured Pearl was probably doing some sort of acrobatics between us, but then I heard you leave and when you came back you smelled like cigarettes.” Howard laughed softly.

“Yeah. I woke up and she was kicking her feet into my back.” Howard pulled the shower curtain back a bit and looked at Vince. “If I tell you this you have to pretend like I didn’t tell you.” Vince turned and raised his eyebrows.

“Absolutely.” Vince picked up his toothbrush and leaned against the counter.

“Right, Pearl woke me up, but what kept me up was a sound coming from outside. Your children had snuck into the cabinet and stolen a bottle of brandy. They drank most of it on the back porch last night.” Howard laughed. “It was a sight to behold, honestly. I had them do a sobriety test so I could tell if they needed help getting back to bed and the girls couldn’t stop laughing long enough to count past 10. Tom never counted to begin with but he managed to balance on one foot, so that’s something.” Vince rolled his eyes.

“Those sneaky little minxes.” He spit into the sink. “How bad were they when they went to bed?” He leaned down to rinse his mouth.

“Well, Billie had the spins something terrible, but the other two just groaned at me when I told them to drink their water.” Howard leaned down and turned off the shower. “They’ll be alright. I put painkillers next to their cups, so worst case scenario they wear sunglasses at the funeral. They’ll be fine.” Vince laughed again and shook his head.

“I’ll go wake them to see how bad they all feel.” Vince turned and stepped across the hallway. He pushed their door open and noticed all three of them with their heads covered by their pillows and blankets, at least one of them was snoring away loudly. He flipped on the lightswitch and noticed all the pills were gone, meaning they had all been awake at some point recently. He leaned down to Tom and pulled the pillow off his head. Tom groaned and rolled onto his front.

“Time to get up, Tommy.” Vince said softly. He didn’t want to bully the poor kid. “We gotta get dressed for the funeral.”

“I feel like my lungs are crumbling.” when he coughed it sounded like he was an eighty-five year old smoker. Vince grimaced. “Can you grab my inhaler please?” He gestured to his bag against the wall. Vince retrieved it and passed it to Tom. He sat up straight and coughed again before going through the motions of dosing himself. He coughed again and took a second puff.

“Wow, a two dose day?” Vince stood up straight and moved off to the girls. Flo pulled her pillow out of his hands and whacked him with it before laying back down. “Come on, girls. You have to get ready for the funeral. Please get up.” Billie made an exaggerated sobbing noise before covering her head with her blanket.

“Papa swore we would be okay, but I’m dying !” She shouted through the pillow. Vince shook his head at her.

“Get up. I’ll get you all more medicine and water, but you have to get up.” He opened the curtains and turned on all the lights before leaving to get himself dressed.

By the time the kids came down to breakfast they were fully dressed, though they all looked a little worse for wear. Tom kept taking deep breaths as if he was afraid his lungs would collapse if they weren’t fully inflated, Billie had dropped her head against the table, and Flo was squeezing her eyes shut like she was fighting the urge to cry.

“Good morning. How are you all feeling?” Howard set three mugs of black coffee in front of them. Tom picked his up and chugged as much as he could before having to stop for breath. “I know you’re probably worse off than the other two, but none of you look great .” Howard sat across from them. “Do you want cream and sugar for that or…?” Flo picked up her coffee and took a few large gulps.

“I swear to God, I am never drinking again.” Billie grumbled against the table cloth. Howard patted the back of her head.

“I’m sure you won’t.” He rolled his eyes. “The good news is that funerals are quiet affairs.” He watched Margret place a plate of toast on the table. “Eat up. You need it.” Tom frowned and took a piece of toast off the top.

“How long will we feel like this?” Flo rubbed her face. “Is this just what living feels like now?”

“I can feel my blood moving through my veins and I do not like it .” Billie sat up and took some toast. Howard rolled his eyes.

“You’ll be better by tomorrow. You might even feel better by the end of the funeral.” Howard watched them drink their black coffees and eat their toast in quiet misery.

“Everyone ready?” Vince asked from the doorway. Pearl was next to him, ready to go without a care in the world. Howard stood and waited for his children to follow.

“We’ll see you there, Mum.” Howard leaned down and kissed her cheek before ushering his hung over kids out the door and into the car. They had only barely made it out of the neighborhood before Billie was urging them to stop the car.

“I’m gonna be sick!” She threw the door open and stumbled out into the grass. Howard put the car in park and climbed out to gently brush a hand over her back while she was sick on the side of the road.

“This is why we don’t drink an entire bottle of brandy, yeah?” The kids all grumbled their agreement while Billie recovered. This was going to be a long funeral.

Chapter Text

Vince put his suitcase on the bed while Billie groaned at him. He was leaving in less than a week for his band’s come back tour and he had been putting off packing.

“Do you have to go?” Billie asked. She was laying on the bed with a frown. “Papa loses his mind when you’re gone. One time when we were little he gave me Tom’s backpack and sent me to school with it! I was called Spiderman that whole term.” she crossed her arms.

“Yes, I have to go.” Vince shook his head. It wasn’t the first time she asked him that, and it likely wouldn’t be the last. “The tour sold out. If we canceled now then we would be torn to shreds.” He opened his dresser drawer.

“But, what if you didn’t go? Like, Mack and Rich and Matt could go without you. Then you could just stay home.” She shrugged.

“Bill.” He turned around to face her. “I know I left a lot when you were little, but I didn’t go because I didn’t want to be with you. I went because I had to.” She looked down at her hands. “If I could bring you with me I would.” She lit up suddenly.

“Why don’t you? I won’t bother you! I’ll be quiet and watch the shows from the greenrooms, and do what I’m told! I promise!” She raised her eyebrows at him and smiled hopefully while muttering a symphony of ‘please’s. Vince frowned at her.

“Billie, you know you can’t come with me.” He sat at her feet on the bed. “You have school, and, if I’m honest, some of the people I’m around are not the best. I don’t want you exposed to all that shit.” He put his hand on her leg. “Not to mention how fucking bored you’d be. It's the same routine every single day. And the hours are terrible. You wouldn’t have a good time.” He shook his head and tried to give her a sympathetic look, though he knew his enjoyment would be significantly diminished by her presents as well.

“I’m not a baby , you know.” She sighed. “I can handle it.” She sat up a bit so she could look Vince in the eye. “I promise I could.” She felt her lower lip wobble. Vince knew she was attached to him being home, possibly more than the others, but he also knew he had made a promise.

“No.” Vince raised his eyebrows at her. Her face crumbled. She looked painfully distraught as she pushed herself to her feet and stormed out of the room. He winced at the sound of her bedroom door slamming closed.

“Is she okay?” Howard stepped into their doorway and crossed his arms. Vince shook his head and stood again to resume packing.

“No. She’s pissed at me.” Vince pulled a stack of tshirts out of his drawer and threw them in his case. “This was never an issue when they were little, you know?” Howard nodded. “Back then it was interesting that I left, it was just what I did for a job! Now that they’re older they know that I’m not being dragged out of the house by my ankles, but I’m choosing to go on some level and she's mad at me for it.”

“She’s not the only one, Vince.” Howard sat on the end of the bed with a sigh. Vince rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“Alright, listen here, Howard. We worked this out. You can’t keep being mad at me after we-” Howard held up his hand to Vince to cut him off.

“I didn’t mean me.” He frowned slightly. “Pearl refused to eat the french toast you made once she heard you were leaving for a bit.” Vince frowned again and closed his suitcase. He wasn’t nearly close to being finished packing but he was suddenly not in the mood to deal with it. He sat on the opposite side of the bed and laid back.

“Is Tom going to curse me out next? Flo is going to shave my head when I’m asleep?” He covered his face and tried to wipe his mind of Billie’s face after he told her ‘No.’.

“You’re being dramatic. Billie slamming a door and Pearl not eating her breakfast is not the same as shaving your head.” Howard got off the bed and lifted Vince’s suitcase onto the bed again, and began packing for Vince. “You fought for this tour and you aren’t going to let our children bully you out of it.” Vince uncovered his face.

“I knew they wouldn’t be happy with me over this but I didn’t imagine they would be pissed . They’ll never forgive me, Howard.” He shook his head. “Are we sure I can’t take one of them with me? Maybe I can-”

“No, Vince. They have school.” He cut Vince off midthought. “You can’t take one of them with you.” He sighed at the look on Vince’s face. “You said it yourself, they’ll get over it. Just make sure to bring them good gifts, and they won’t mind that you were ever gone.” Vince nodded slowly.

“I know you’re right.” He chewed his bottom lip. “I need to do something with them before I leave so they know I’m not trying to get away from them.” He looked up at Howard. “What are the plans for dinner? Maybe we can go somewhere fun, or maybe we can go rollerskating tomorrow or maybe to an arcade? Do they still have arcades? Would they even want to go to an arcade? Who am I kidding? The girls love video games, and Tom loves strategy. Not to mention Pearl likes bright lights and loud noises.” He looked at Howard, who was frowning again.

“It’s Wednesday, Vince. You leave on Saturday. There isn’t any time for them to do that with you.” Howard refolded one of Vince’s shirts and laid it on the top of the pile while Vince crawled closer to him. Vince moved the suitcase out of the way and knee-walked up to Howard.

“You know…” He draped his arms over Howard’s shoulders. “We could give them a day off? Let them feel like we’re one big happy family one more time before I’m out.” He raised his eyebrows. “ Please Howard?” Vince leaned forward and brushed his nose against Howard’s. “They haven’t missed any days this year. Not even a sick day. That’s something worth celebrating, right?” He kissed Howard’s cheek a few times while Howard thought about it.

“We’ll let them stay out of school for a day, but they get to choose what we do.” Howard barely managed to agree before Vince’s hands had shifted to his cheeks and his lips were covered by Vince’s.

“Thank you, Howard.” He spoke between kisses. “Tomorrow, yeah? Because Tom has a geography test on Friday.” He pulled back, but his hands still rested against Howard’s face.

“Yeah. Pearl has a spelling bee as well. We’re signed up to attend.” Vince nodded and backed away from Howard. “You leave noon on Saturday, right?” Howard pulled the suitcase back towards himself.

“Yeah. We’re headed towards France first. We’re there for three nights, then we’re in Wales for a few days. Next is South London, Manchester, Liverpool, then to Ireland: Belfast, Dublin, Galway. Finally to Scotland and I can’t remember those cities. It’s all written down, and I’ll be sure to text you with anything that we do.” Howard nodded along while Vince moved to his dresser to pull jeans out of the drawers.

“Edinburgh, and Glasgow.” Howard had been told all of this before, it was just hard to remember. Vince passed the clothes to Howard, who settled them into the bottom of the case.

“That sounds right.” Vince crossed his arms. “Anything else I want to pack I’ll need before Saturday.” He shrugged when Howard reached a hand out for the next thing going in the suitcase.

“Well, the good news is that you have loads of room left.” Howard looked over at Vince and smiled. “Are you at least excited about going? Because all I’ve heard about it is anguish.” He closed the suitcase and pushed it away so he could sit back down. Vince sighed and sat next to him.

“Yes. I’m so excited I can barely hold it in!” He let himself fall back. “I just don’t want them to be angry with me anymore.” Howard leaned back to rest his weight on his elbow.

“Yeah, I don’t think talking to them with a therapist would really help anything.” He dropped his free hand onto Vince’s chest. “At least you know they enjoy hanging out with you. They wouldn’t be angry about you leaving if they hated you.” Howard smiled to himself.

“Papa?” Flo stood in their doorway and gently knocked on the door while she spoke. “Can you ask Bill to open our door? She’s got it locked and I have to grab my homework off my desk if she's going to be melodramatic all night.” Howard laughed and rolled onto his back.

“I’ll get her.” Vince sat up, seeming to surprise Flo that he was there in the first place. “I’m the reason she’s in there so she can shout at me instead of Papa.” He stood up and gently pushed past Flo.

“You know," She followed him back out into the hallway, "this wouldn’t be an issue if-”

“If I wasn’t leaving. I know, you don’t have to rub it in.” Vince lifted his hand to knock on the door.

“I was going to say, this wouldn’t be an issue if we had our own rooms.” Flo rolled her eyes, “But you’re right too. This wouldn’t happen if you weren’t leaving.” Vince glanced at her and rolled his eyes.

“Bill?” Vince knocked on the door. “Can I come in please?” Billie opened the door rather quickly. She looked angry at him.

“What do you want?” She was nearly as tall as he was, making her seem much more imposing than any fifteen year old had a right to be. Vince gestured to Flo.

“I need to grab my homework.” She pushed her way inside. 

“Can I talk to you, please?” Vince asked. Billie shrugged, offering him no real answer. “You understand-” Flo pushed back by them with her bag slung over her shoulder. Vince sighed softly and opened his mouth to speak again but Billie closed the door on him. He dropped his head against the door to think. He figured it would be easier to wait on her to be willing to talk to him than to chase her around, so he moved himself to the living room.

Vince sat on the couch and glanced up. Tom was taking a rare moment in watching a movie rather than reading or playing a game. It was some period drama that Vince found vaguely familiar, though he couldn’t figure out why.

“What’s this?” Vince grabbed one of the throw pillows and held it against his chest.

“Les Mis. I’m in the middle of reading it and I was told I should listen to the play but I would rather watch it.” Vince nodded though Tom didn’t look away as he spoke.

“Who’s that?” Vince asked after a few minutes of silence that felt far heavier than watching a movie should’ve allowed.

“Valjeen.” Tom turned on the subtitles. Vince nodded again. The men on the screen spoke to one another while a score swelled behind them.

“What’s going on?” Vince felt bad interrupting but he was confused. Tom paused the movie and turned to look at Vince.

“Valjeen is offering to execute Javert but he’s about to set him free. I don’t know anything else because I haven’t gotten this far in the book.” Tom raised his eyebrows and waited for Vince to say anything else. When he remained silent Tom unpaused the movie to continue watching. It was quiet again for a few minutes, each feeling longer than the last. Vince watched Tom watch the movie for a few minutes.

“Can I help you? At all?” Tom paused the movie again and looked at Vince.

“Shit, are you mad at me too?” Vince asked with a frown. “I’m just trying to figure out who I need to reconcile with before I…” Vince sighed softly.

“I am but only because you won’t let me watch this without interrupting.” Tom raised his eyebrows. Vince nodded and turned back to the TV just as Tom unpaused the movie again. The movie played for less than another minute before Tom paused it again. “And for the record, I’m not angry that you’re leaving, Dad. I don’t love it, but the good news is that Papa is a real pushover when you’re gone.” He shrugged. “The girls are all really messed up about it though. They've liked having you home for eight years so they're mad that you’ve decided to leave again.” Vince nodded.

“I know. I can’t get them to talk to me though.” He shrugged. “I’ll just wait until dinner and see if any of them will talk to me then. Give a bit to collect herself.” Tom nodded.

“Great. Can I get back to this now?” Tom asked, holding the remote pointed at the screen. Vince rolled his eyes and stood.

“I won’t bother you again.” He stepped toward the kitchen where Flo was doing her homework at the counter. He leaned on the counter and looked over her shoulder. She was going some sort of maths exercise.

“What?” Flo asked without even looking up. Vince shrugged. “Do you mind? Some of us have work to do. We can’t all throw tantrums and sulk all day.” She looked up at him. Her eyebrows were raised and her mouth was set in a hard line.

“Sorry.” Vince’s heart sank at the realization that she was displeased with him as well. He stayed where he was, though he wasn’t watching her anymore.

“What do you want, Dad?” She looked at him again. Vince frowned at her.

“I want to know what to do to make you and your sisters not upset with me.” He sat next to her. “I’m not going to be gone for that long, you know.” She dropped her pen and sat in silence for a minute. Vince was worried she wasn’t going to say anything when she finally started speaking.

“Pearl is afraid you’re not coming back because she’s never had you go before.” She glanced at him. “So go tell her about how you’ll call every night before dinner and give her something to look forward to, and she’ll cry but she’ll get over it because that's what we did.” He raised his eyebrows at her in surprise.

“Is that all it takes then?” He reached up and pushed her hair out of her face. She might’ve gotten older, but her hair was just as untamable as it was when she was a kid. She sighed and nodded, though her expression was still stoney.

“That’s the easy one. Bill is furious with you.” She turned to face him. “You promised us that you were really done and now you’ve broken your promise. She has every right to be furious and I don’t think you’re going to be able to make her happy before you leave.” Vince nodded, this was valuable insight for him.

“And what about you?” He asked. “What would make you happy? Or at least not upset with me.” Flo rolled her eyes.

“You don’t get it, Dad.” She shook her head and started packing up her books. “You don’t get to make everyone else happy this time. You already made your choice and you chose yourself.” She stood and made her way to her room. Vince watched her leave the room, fighting the urge to call her back.

He truly hadn't realized she was that angry with him. He thought the worst of it was going to come from Pearl or from Billie. Flo being more than sad was a shock to him. He groaned and let himself fall forward against the counter.

“Alright?” Howard had come into the kitchen to start making dinner when he found Vince face down on the countertop. Vince groaned. “No?”

“Howard, our children won’t get over it. They won’t forget about it. They hate me and they will never forgive me for this.” Vince sat up and rubbed his face before peeking between his fingers at Howard.

“They don’t hate you, Vince.” Howard opened the fridge.

“They do!” Vince watched Howard pull a few things from the cabinets to set on the counter. “Tom’s annoyed with me for changing things, Pearl is apparently devastated that I’ll be gone because she thinks I’m going forever, Billie and Flo have basically told me they wouldn’t ever forgive me because I’m breaking a promise I made eight years ago.” He could feel his throat tighten as he tried to hold back the urge to cry. “How did I fuck this up so badly?”

“Vince. You were right. They’re going to be upset but-“

“ But ! They’ll be unhappy but ! Howard, I put my happiness above theirs and that’s mucked it all up!” Vince stood and turned away from Howard.

“No one could’ve known how-“ Howard was nonchalantly still beginning to cook dinner while Vince fell apart in front of him.

“ You knew! You tried to warn me, but I didn’t listen.” He sighed and frowned. “Am… am I a bad Dad, Howard?“ he watched Howard frown at the pot of water in front of him before turning to look at Vince.

“Of course not.” Howard raised his eyebrows in surprise. “We all have things we want to do, yours just pulls you from being in the house. You were right when you said they’d get past it.” Howard stepped toward him and placed his hands on Vince’s shoulders. “Talk to Pearl and make sure she knows you’re coming home. I’ll talk to the girls about you breaking promises.” Vince nodded, though his expression did not change. “I promise, once we tell them they’re out of school tomorrow they’ll be fine.”

“God, I hope so. I don’t want to leave if they’re going to hate me for it.” Vince sighed. He remembered the look on the girls faces when he was leaving all the time before. They would always have the biggest wateriest eyes as he would say his goodbyes.  He remembered drawing little symbols and stars and hearts on their hands in sharpie so they would have something from him that would last a while. He used to kiss their hands but he couldn’t find a lipstick that lasted as long as he was gone, and Howard could always fill in the sharpie while they were asleep.

“I’ll go talk to Pearl now while you make dinner. Call me if you need a hand, yeah?“ he glanced down and noticed a marker on the counter. 

“Good luck.” Howard turned back to his, now boiling, water. Vince grabbed the marker for his trip down the hall to Pearl’s room.

She was sitting at her desk using the paints that they had gotten her for her last birthday. Vince noticed a lot of red in her current work.

“Alright, Pearly?” She looked at him with a watery frown, but she didn’t stop what she was doing. Vince sat on her bed and watched her for a minute, trying to collect his thoughts. “What’s got you so blue?” He asked softly, knowing full well what had her so blue. She dropped her paintbrush and rubbed her face.

“Nothing.” She sniffed, clearly trying not to cry. “I’m not blue. I’m even painting with red, see?” She gestured to her canvas. Vince nodded and picked it up. “Careful. It’s still wet.” She cleared her throat.

“It’s beautiful.” It was some sort of abstract piece with shapes and splatters of all different shades. He set it back down and raised his eyebrows at her. “What has you all red , then?” the corners of her mouth dipped down, seemingly against her will.

“You’re leaving us.” She said quietly. He pulled her to stand up and face him.

“Only three weeks, Pearly.” He leaned in and kissed her cheek. “That’s no time at all.” He shook his head. “Not even a whole month, yeah?” She shook her head.

“ No . What if you don’t come back? You forget stuff all the time, what if you forget about us?” She sounded shy about her concerns, like she knew they sounded outlandish.

“I can’t forget about you, you must know that.” Vince tilted her face back to his and wiped away a stray tear. “I forget silly little things, Pearl. Like what day of the week it is, or to text Papa back while he’s at the store after he asks if we need milk. I made you. I wouldn’t be able to forget you if I tried to.” He pulled her to sit on the bed next to him. “I’ll show you what I used to do with Billie and Flo when they were little.” He grabbed her hand and held onto it. “I’ll draw something on you, whatever you want, and then you draw something on me too. And by the time it’s gone, I’ll be home.” he watched her nod slowly.

“What if it doesn’t last?” She watched him as he stroked his thumb against the back of her hand.

“Then I’ll come back and redo it.” He pulled her to sit on the bed in front of him. “What do you want me to draw?” He hoped he was still alright at doing this after 8 years on hiatus.

“Draw me a garden?” She asked. “With sunflowers and tomatoes and strawberries.” She closed her eyes as he uncapped the marker. He smiled to himself at how easy that all seemed.

“Anything else?” He remembered the other girls asking for galaxies, or rainbows, sometimes even hearts or little messages, but never flowers. She shook her head but she still didn’t watch him. 

He drew one large flower up her arm along with a few leaves and strawberries at the bottom. He added in a few tomatoes as if they had fallen off the same vines as the strawberries. He took his time, waiting for her to relax before deciding that he was finished. “You can look.” He squeezed her hand and watched her look at her left arm. She tried to smile.

“Thank you.” She turned her arm around a few times to look at the full thing before looking back at Vince. She just stared at him for a moment. He couldn’t tell if the temporary tattoo was working for her grief, but he pushed on. “Are you going to give me one?” He shrugged off the strange ache in his chest and tried to refocus. He held out his hand with a sad smile.

“What do you want?” She took the marker and his left hand. They never asked him what he wanted. With the twins they would usually know what they wanted to draw on him.

“I think you should draw what you want to draw. I’ll like anything.” He watched her think for a minute before beginning her tattoo. She drew the house and five blobs of varying size and shape. He watched with a smile as they all changed colors, even though she was only using one marker. She pulled away after a moment and paused. She drew a large heart around the whole thing and looked up at his face.

“There. Now you can’t forget us, and you won’t forget that you love us too.” She gave a sheepish smile. Vince wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her probably too hard.

“I do love you, Pearly. I’m not going to stop loving you just because I’m away for a little while, yeah?” He felt her nod against him. He kissed the top of her head and finally pulled away. “Now, don’t forget. These are magic, yeah? They’ll stay until I come home in three weeks, guaranteed.” She nodded and looked at hers again. He sighed softly. “Do you feel at all better about me leaving?” He was hesitant to ask but she nodded at him.

“I think so.” She sighed. “Do you want to stay and paint with me?” She gestured to her notebook on the desk. Vince shook his head.

“I would really love to, but I have to finish packing. If you want to, I can put on a movie and you can draw and sit with me?” He smiled and stood slowly. She perked back up at his offer.

“Can we watch the Great Mouse Detective ?” She started to put away her paint as quickly as she could.

“I’m sure we could.” He was glad at least one of his children wasn’t irreparably angry with him. “Go on in there, I need to talk to Papa for a moment.” He turned back toward the kitchen. He was nearly there when he heard speaking coming from Howard.

“You have to understand why he’s doing it.” He heard. “It isn’t because he doesn’t love you, it isn’t because he wants to get away from you. It’s because he needs something to do. It’s like when he tried to knit and he made everyone hats that were too big and scarves that were too small, or when he started doing puzzles but he couldn’t focus long enough to finish them and now our hallway has seven different half finished puzzles hanging from the walls.” Vince turned and looked at one of the frames with a frown.

“Sure, but he could just get a different hobby. He doesn’t have to leave unless he just doesn’t want us around.” He heard one of the chairs move like someone had dropped into a chair.

“Flo, he wasn’t good at making hats and scarves, and he wasn’t patient enough for doing puzzles. Performing is what he does best.” It was quiet for a moment before Vince heard a shaky breath.

“But why doesn’t he want to stay with us? Aren’t we enough for him?” One of the girls was clearly crying. He heard Howard’s sigh and the chair scraping against the floor.

“Oh, Bill.” He heard Howard mutter. Her crying became muffled as, Vince assumed, Howard had pulled her into a hug. “Of course we’re enough.” Vince’s heart wrenched at the sound of her sniffling and crying. “He’s been here every day for eight years, love. I think he’s allowed a little time to do what he was born to do, yeah?” it was quiet, apart from the soft crying sounds and the sound of Howard’s hand against her back.

“No!” Flo’s voice broke out. “No! I don’t think he should get to go and do whatever he wants! He chose to have us! He decided to have a family and then he left us on and off for the first seven fucking years of our lives!” She shouted, making Vince flinch as though she were yelling directly at him.

“ Florence .” Howard scolded her, “You can be angry but you don’t need to use that kind of language.”

“Why? Why not? I’m right! Vince bloody Noir decided to have a family and then decided to abandon that family all up until silly little Pearly came along and suddenly we’re all playing house all the time. Once we all finally decide we aren’t playing anymore and it’s real life Daddy Dearest decides he’s bored again and he can leave just because he wants to.” Vince heard the chair against the floor far too late. It wasn’t until Flo was stopping in front of him that he realized she had gotten up in the first place. “ Fuck you .” She pulled back and slapped him across the cheek before stomping her way to her room and slamming the door shut. Vince raised his hand to his warming cheek and glanced down the hallway where Howard was now standing.

“Did she hit you?” He frowned. Vince opened his mouth to speak but he found nothing would come out. “Well, spit it out. Did she hit you or not?” Vince shook his head, clearly lying to Howard. Howard pulled Vince’s hand away and sighed.

“Wait, no. Don’t.” Vince stopped him from knocking on her door. “I deserved it. She’s right.” He chewed on his thumbnail. He glanced back toward the kitchen and saw Billie. Her face was screwed up tight again with fresh tear tracks across her cheeks.

“You don’t have to go.” She said quietly, as if she was making a final plea. Vince’s heart sank. He did have to go.

“Come here.” He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her to his chest. “I wish I had known just how upset you all were about this months ago when I still could’ve called it off.” His mind was racing trying to think of one single way he could still stay home, but none came to mind. Billie shuttered in his arms while she cried.

“But you promised .” She all but whispered. Vince was feeling worse and worse about leaving only now he had to live with his decision. He nodded and kissed the top of her head.

“I know I did. I’m sorry.” He tightened his grip on her. “I won’t do it ever again.” He was glad they had planned to give the kids a day off already, but he was especially glad after how emotionally exhausted they all felt getting into bed that night.

The day Vince left wasn’t any better. Tom shook his hand before returning to the couch to finish reading Les Mis, Pearl gave him a tight hug and only cried a little bit, and the twins were nowhere to be seen. He waited as long as he could but eventually Vince told Howard to give them his love before pressing one final kiss to his lips.

“I’ll see you all soon, okay?” He gave a sad smile. “I love you all.” He gave one final wave and stepped out the door to his ride to the airport. He had put his bag in the back seat and was about to duck inside when he heard a voice behind him.

“Wait!” He turned around to see Billie running up to him. “This is your last chance to stay .” She grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly. He put his free hand on her cheek and closed his eyes. He wanted to stay so much more than she knew.

“I am under contract , Bill. I’ve already renegotiated how long the tour is, but I still have to go.” He kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry.” He let go of her hand and waited for her to step back before he got into the car. He watched her face go from sad to angry in a flash.

“ COWARD. ” She turned around and ran back into the house leaving Vince to feel impossibly worse than he did before. He glanced down at the large heart and five multicolored blobs on his arm and felt his heart ache. The tour was knocked back to two weeks, but they couldn't be over fast enough.

Chapter Text

Howard found that Vince being gone was not as rough as he remembered. It could be due to the fact that all of the children didn’t require his direct attention at every waking moment, but it could also have something to do with at least half of the kids making themselves scarce at any given moment. He really only saw them around dinner. It was barely halfway through Vince’s tour that he realized why his youngest had vanished.

“Pearl?” Howard set her plate in front of her. “What did you do to your hair?” He pushed his fingers through the choppy ends, noticing how short some parts were compared to the rest. Her curls were nearly gone in some places, and tighter than ever in others.

“Oh! I cut it.” She smiled up at him. “It was annoying me.” she pushed her hair behind her ear. “Do you like it?” Howard sat in his chair and raised his eyebrows at her.

“Don’t you want it even?” was all he could think to ask. “It’s…” He was at a loss for words. She only shook her head, showing him just how uneven it was all over her head. “Do you…” He could understand her longer hair irritating her, but he couldn’t remember her ever mentioning it. “Would you like it shorter ?” She looked up at him again and nodded.

“Oh! Please?” She sounded hopeful as if he wouldn’t let her do it if she had asked. Howard shrugged.

“Why wouldn’t I let you cut your hair off?” He frowned and took a sip of his tea. “You’re the one that has to deal with it.” He smiled at her. She stood up immediately.

“Can we do it now?” She started pulling clips out of her hair, revealing more poorly cut layers. Howard shook his head.

“Sit back down. Dinner first.” He pushed her chair back out to get her to sit. “What’s your rush?” She sighed dramatically as she dropped back into her seat.

“Dad won’t like it so we have to do it before he comes back.” She stuck one of the pins back in to hold it out of her face. “He likes my curls. Besides, girls have long hair, right?” She scrunched her nose at him.

“Some girls have short hair, you know?” Howard had been noticing an influx of comments about what girls did and didn’t do coming from her. She nodded. “How short do you want it?” He knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything special but he used to cut Tom’s hair and his own before Vince started doing it, so he felt he could give her a basic haircut.

“Can I shave it? Like…” She frowned while she thought, “Like how your hair is on the sides… but all over?” She touched one of her curls and narrowed her eyes. Howard raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Uh… yeah. Are you sure , though? That's a bit of a commitment.” He said softly, “It takes a long time for that to grow out again. Maybe we can start a little longer and then you can decide if you want it shorter later, yeah?” She nodded.

“Yeah, but if I do it really short then I’ll look…” She paused for a moment before nodding. “I’ll wait.” Howard nodded at her and agreed.

“After dinner.” He said softly. He figured making her wait at least a half hour could make her settle into a longer length, though she seemed pretty set to do it.

“After dinner.” She agreed just as Tom finally emerged from the hallway.

“Sorry. I was finishing my chapter. Who knew it would be so hard to get through the end of Les Misérables.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Where are the girls?” Tom noticed the three table settings with a frown.

“They’re at Suzanna’s house. They wanted to go out and I figured there are worse places for them to be.” Howard shrugged. Suzanna’s house was a much better place since her parents got a divorce. Her mother was actually quite lovely. He glanced down at Pearl as she started eating her food. She seemed a thousand miles away, making Howard frown.

“Pearl?” Tom waved his hand in front of her face, making her look at him. “Alright?” He laughed softly. She nodded.

“Sorry. I was just thinking.” She looked down at her plate. “Papa? What is it like to be a boy?” Howard’s eyes darted in her direction.

“Hard to say. I’ve never been anything else, so I’m not sure.” He set his fork down and tried not to push her. “Why do you ask?” Howard wasn’t stupid, or uneducated. He knew that transgender people existed, he just wasn’t sure if that was why she was asking.

“No reason.” She sighed. “Do you think the girls would know what it’s like to be a girl?” She propped her chin on her hand while she ate her mashed potatoes.

“Uh, I dunno. You’ll have to ask them when they get home tomorrow morning.” He tried to search his mind for anything that might be helpful. She groaned.

“They’re gonna be gone that long ?” She frowned. “Do you think anyone knows what it’s like to be anything? Or do you reckon everyone is just faking it?” Howard paused a moment to think about it.

“I don’t think it has to do with being overwhelmingly male or female, so much as you feel negatively about being one or the other. Like I wouldn’t want to be a girl, but that’s not because I’m a boy. I’m just a boy by default.” Tom sighed. “Why? Do you feel like you’re not a girl?” Having a smart child was coming in handy, in Howard’s opinion. “It’s alright if you do, you know.” Pearl shrugged.

“If I don’t know what being a boy feels like and I don’t know what being a girl feels like, then how am I supposed to know?” Howard watched her eyes go a bit glassy, as if she might cry. Tom smiled at her warmly.

“There is another option, Pearly. You can be neither.” He scooped up some roast on his fork, “Or both, if that feels more your style.” She hadn’t looked away from Tom for a few minutes when she finally shook her head before looking at Howard.

“I want to cut my hair all the way off. And I want to keep it all off so I can look like a boy.” She was frowning like she was afraid of something but Howard simply nodded at her.

“Okay.” He nodded and watched her give a nervous smile. 

After dinner Howard moved into his bathroom with Pearl. He helped her sit up on the counter while he got the clippers out of their case. She pulled the towel around her shoulders tightly. Howard was surprised to find himself feeling nostalgic for when he used to have these quiet moments with Tom.

“Are you ready?” He asked, turning on the clippers. She nodded and closed her eyes. Howard had barely stepped toward her before she was hollering for him to stop. He thought she was going to back out.

“Can I do it?” She looked hopeful. Howard nodded and handed them to her. She took a deep breath and ran the clippers over the center of her scalp. She laughed, watching the hair fall from her shoulders onto the countertop. She started again and sheared off more and more hair.

“Okay, let me get the rest please.” He pulled the clippers out of her hand and started cleaning up her neckline. She kept touching the top of her head and laughing nervously. Howard finally turned off the clippers. “What do you think?” He watched her get closer to the mirror, pushing her hand back and forth along the back of her two inch long hair almost like she couldn’t believe it was gone. She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Thank you, Papa.” She kissed his cheek and hopped off the counter. He heard her call Tom as she ran back into the livingroom to show him her new hair. Howard smiled to himself. He knew Vince would hate it, but it was what she wanted. 

He paused for a moment. Should he still call Pearl she ? Did she understand what she had been talking about? Maybe she was just tired of dealing with her hair and the gender stuff was completely irrelevant.

“She’s thrilled, you know.” Tom had suddenly appeared in the bathroom pulling Howard from his thoughts. Howard stood from his place on the floor, cleaning up the hair that had fallen from the counter.

“You want a haircut too?” He gestured to the counter. “You might be too tall to fit on the counter now, but I could grab a stool.” Tom rolled his eyes with a smile.

“Really, though. She’s been mopey for days . Who knew a haircut was all she needed?” Tom leaned against the doorframe. Howard shrugged.

“She wouldn’t have been moping if she had just told me what she wanted.” He pushed the hair from the counter to the trash can.

“Do you really not realize what you just did for her?” Tom crossed his arms and frowned. “If she really is having gender identity issues then you just-” Howard held up his hand to quiet Tom.

“We shouldn’t speculate until she tells us what she wants. Until then we just need to make sure not to make her uncomfortable with herself.” Howard watched Tom’s face shift to confusion.

“How do you know about this?” Tom leaned down and scooped up a stray loc of hair. Howard narrowed his eyes.

“Your Dad had the same dilemma, but he wound up just enjoying ambiguity. Mum convinced Granny Florence to let him grow his hair out. It was cropped short before that.” He leaned against the counter. “My Mum didn’t understand what Vince was doing, and I didn’t really either, but he was very clear on his boundaries about it. I’m just hoping that's still applicable when it’s an 8 year old instead of a fifteen year old.” Tom shrugged.

“What were Dad ’s boundaries?” He seemed to be genuinely curious.

“Well, mostly he didn’t want us to assume anything. If she wants a change she can ask for it. I’m hoping that asking for a haircut and giving it to her will show her that she can ask.” Howard watched Tom shift awkwardly. “That goes for all of you.” Tom raised his eyebrows and sighed.

“Well.” He cleared his throat. “That’s good to know, I suppose.” He moved to turn around but he froze. “What… What if we've decided something, but we change our minds?” He asked quietly. Howard bit back a smile.

“Then we roll with the new thing.” He half expected Tom to say something more, but he simply nodded and left the room.

The next few days were spent tip-toeing around Pearl, waiting for her to ask questions but she didn’t. Howard did catch her thinking on multiple occasions, but nothing else came up. Nothing came up, at least until the night before Vince came home.

“Papa, Tom told me that people that weren’t boys or girls didn’t use the regular pronouns.” She sat on the couch.

“That’s true. Usually instead of he or she you’d use they .” He looked up from his phone and smiled at her.

“Do you know anyone like that?” She leaned against the arm of the couch to watch him think.

“Not that I know of. Do you know anyone like that?” He wanted so badly for her to come out and say it, but she only shrugged.

“What if you didn’t want to use they ? If you use he are you still a boy?” Howard shrugged.

“It’s up to you.” He spoke before realizing, “Or, not really you , so much as whoever it is that might want to…” he sighed. “Pearl, the bottom line is that if you want to be called something else you can be.” She nodded slowly for a few minutes until she finally frowned.

“Can I… be a boy? At least for a little bit?” Howard was surprised. He was expecting some sort of agender or non-binary response.

“Of course.” He nodded. “Is Pearl still okay, or do you want a boy’s name?” His son shrugged.

“I dunno.” He chewed on his thumb for a moment. “I’ll have to look at other names.” Howard agreed.

“Have you told your siblings? Or would you rather keep this between you and me?” He asked. “Because this isn’t something that I’m going to go spreading unless you want me to.” Pearl took a deep breath.

“Tom and Bill and Flo can know. Dad too. But I don’t want anyone else to know until I have a name.” He raised his eyebrows. “Is… that’s okay, right? Not everyone has to know all at once? It still counts if it’s small?” He looked anxious for a moment.

“ You choose everything.” Howard reached forward and squeezed Pearl’s hand. “This is about you , after all.” He nodded.

“Just you guys know.” Pearl nodded back. Even as he could feel the calm from Howard rolling off in waves he felt tears trick his eyes. “I dunno why I’m crying.” He laughed pitifully. Howard smiled and pulled him into a hug.

“It’s alright, son .” Howard tried his best to comfort Pearl while also trying to script the text to Vince explaining everything. He’d only been gone for two weeks, and yet it seemed there had been a substantial pivot in their home environment.

Hey, just so you know Pearl has changed pronouns to he/him. He hasn’t chosen a new name and is open to suggestions. See you tomorrow

Howard sighed and deleted his message.

Heads up! Pearl is a boy now. No worries, I’ll fill you in when you get home xx

He shook his head. This was harder than he anticipated. 

Big news when you get home. Can’t wait to see you x

He dropped his phone on the bed and stretched his arms over his head. Vince was coming home sometime early the next morning. He could just wait. Howard decided on a shower. He could relax and not think about anything for a few minutes and deal with it later.

As soon as he stepped into the shower and pulled the curtain closed he heard a voice.

“Papa. I’m gay.” Tom blurted out. “Well, bisexual , I think. I’ve been thinking about it and you and Dad are happy together and I could see myself feeling that way about another man, and I have , but I also see girls and they make my palms all sweaty too , and I thought maybe specifically in Sam’s case I might have a massive crush on him but I figured that I might’ve just been projecting because of yours and Dad’s relationship but the more I thought about it I started wondering: Why does it matter why I feel like that about Sam? Then I realized I have a massive crush on Sam . So I must be bisexual at least, right?” Howard sighed and closed his eyes. He shut off the water and wrapped a towel around himself before stepping out of the shower to lead Tom back out of the bathroom.

“Sit down and take a breath before you make yourself blue.” Tom sat on the end of Howard’s bed and sighed. “I’m very happy for you. Why did you decide to drop that particular bomb right now?” Howard slipped his robe onto his shoulders and tied it in front of himself..

“I dunno. It just occurred to me, really.” Tom started wringing his hands in his lap. “I felt like if I just pushed it down it would go away. Because I do like girls, so so long as I only dated girls then I could be normal.” He looked up at Howard as he moved around the room. Howard tended to forget that Tom was only twelve. He was so mature and he was tall and, frankly, he was smarter than Howard was. In that moment, though, Tom looked every bit a child as he actually was.

“Thomas, you are still normal.” He dropped his hand to Tom’s head. “Liking boys or girls, or boys and girls , isn’t what changes that.” Howard shook his head. “And, for the record, you don’t have to be bisexual. You could be pansexual.” Tom frowned.

“Am I really still normal? Like… what if Sam thinks I’m a freak?” He chewed on his bottom lip.

“Sam won’t think you’re a freak. Not in this day and age. And if he does then you’re probably better off anyway.” Howard watched Tom think for a moment before nodding to himself.

“Okay.” He stood up and nodded at Howard. “Okay. Great. I’m bisexual then.” Howard smiled.

“I asked your brother this already but, can I tell Dad or is this between us?” Tom laughed.

“Tell the world for all I care.” He smiled at Howard. “Thanks, Papa.” Howard nodded back at him.

“No problem. Now, if your sisters are going to tell me they’re lesbians please tell them to wait until I take a shower, please.” Tom laughed as he got up from his spot.

“Will do.” Tom’s tone was too serious for Howard’s liking. Howard paused before shrugging it off. If he pretended to stay in the shower all night then he wouldn't have to face another of his children coming out to him without their other father being present.

That night Howard tried to stay awake for Vince. He had propped himself up with a cup of tea and a book, leaving his bedside lamp on in an effort to stay conscious. He knew Vince was coming off of the most lonely tour he had been on in a while, and he figured Vince might like to talk before he settled in for the night. 

Howard honestly thought he was managing it well all up until he felt his book being pulled from his hands gently, along with a soft kiss to his cheek. He stirred a bit, trying to greet Vince as if he had been awake the whole time, but he was met with a quiet shushing. He registered the light clicking off as well as the covers shifting before feeling Vince press himself against his chest.

Howard sighed and wrapped his arms around Vince’s middle. He smelled like sweat and rental cars, but Howard didn’t mind much. Vince was finally home. He squeezed Vince to get his attention.

“ You missed quite a bit.” He hummed into Vince’s ear. Vince looked over his shoulder and rubbed his nose against Howard’s.

“Yeah? What did I miss? Someone’s first kiss? A date?“ he spoke clearer than Howard did, clearly still more awake.

“Bigger.” Howard forced his eyes open. “We have a new son. Pearl has told me he’s a boy now. I gave him a haircut too.” Vince frowned momentarily.

“Does he have a name? Or are we sticking with Pearl ?” He frowned. “And how short did you cut his hair?” Howard shook his head.

“Relax, Vince. You’ll see it tomorrow. Tom has also had the revelation that he’s bisexual and he has a crush on Sam.” Howard whispered.

“ Sam ? His friend that he studies with?” Vince frowned. “Isn’t twelve a little early to have any sexuality?” Howard shushed him.

“You were bisexual at thirteen.” He squeezed Vince again, “Why wouldn’t he have a sexuality? Twelve is when you start-“

“-getting horny, yeah.” Howard breathed out a laugh.

“I was going to say puberty but that too.” Howard resituated himself for a moment.

“But Pearl… is she- he . Is he sure?” Vince sounded nervous. “I thought about the same thing but I was way older than that. Cutting his hair off could just highlight the mistake once he realizes he was wrong.” Howard sat up a bit and frowned.

“This isn’t just a sudden thought that he’s had. He’s definitely been curious, and he cut his own hair , poorly mind you. I offered to cut it shorter to even it out.” He shrugged. “Pearl is smart. If he changes his mind it’s fine. I told Tom, who I’m sure Pearl has been talking to about this, that changing your mind is okay. I told Tom we would go with whatever they decide.” Vince frowned, but he nodded all the same.

“That’s only fair, I suppose.” Vince stared at the ceiling. “He did always hate when I put up his hair. And when I made them dresses he always had very specific requests.” He covered his face. “Did he cry?” Howard nodded slightly.

“Nothing unexpected, though. If he’d been feeling that way for a while then knowing that he wasn’t alone in having those feelings was probably pretty huge.” He sighed. “You’ll be able to talk to him tomorrow about it though.”

“Reckon he’ll want to redo his room? It’s a bit girly.” Vince asked. Howard only shrugged. He was tired and ready to sleep again. “I’m surprised there was nothing from the girls.” Vince laughed softly to himself.

“Frankly, I didn’t hear much from them. They’re still in their mood.” Vince’s lighthearted demeanor changed suddenly.

“Let’s just go to sleep now, Howard.” Howard was fine with that. He was exhausted from trying to stay up so late. He just allowed himself to relax and finally fall asleep.

He woke up before Vince, to no one’s surprise. Howard was sluggish from staying awake and not doing anything, he couldn’t imagine how dead tired Vince had to be. He squeaked his way out of his room and crept down the hallway to make himself some tea before anyone else was up. It was the weekend and they had no plans, so Howard was expecting to have to hash out whatever animosity was still coming from the girls.

“What about Pierre?” Pearl’s voice came from the open door to the twins room. “Papa said that he didn’t care what my new name was but I want it to be good.” He heard Tom’s laughter spill out into the hall.

“You woke us all up, and pulled me out of bed to workshop a new name? Couldn’t it have waited until lunch?” He asked. Howard heard Pearl scoff.

“No! I’ve been thinking about it all night! I didn’t sleep. I’ve just been thinking about names and whether I want to keep the P sound, or if I want something completely new like Atlas!” One of the girls cleared her throat.

“Pearly, you could just keep Pearl. It’s a good name. Google says its unisex and everything.” Howard stood outside the doorway listening to their conversation for a few moments.

“I can’t believe the seven year old has more balls than you.” Tom laughed. Howard frowned.

“I’m eight .” Pearl cut in.

“Either way, me and Mr. Pearl have managed to tell Papa. What's stopping you ?” Howard very nearly groaned. Were all of his children gay? One of the girls started making excuses, but he couldn’t figure out which one was talking.

“I haven’t told him because I don’t want to tell him. Papa will tell Dad, and then Dad will make it a whole big thing. You two are lucky. Dad isn’t going to butt into your romantic lives because you’re not his kids.” Howard frowned at that. Did they really think of one another as separate?

“Oh, come on. We both know that telling Papa I liked guys was practically inviting Dad to get involved.” Tom laughed. “You’re just being a wuss about it. They’re gay. They can’t be mad at you for the same thing.” He heard one of the girls sigh.

“Whatever.” She said, “Anyway. I think you should use your middle name. Walsh is a good name.” Pearl hummed. “Or you should do something lovely, like William.”

“I disagree. You should do something edgy. I mean, Bill, Flo, Tom, and William ? It just doesn’t fit.” The other twin spoke. Howard hated the fact that their voices were so similar.

“Florence, he can choose what he wants.” Billie (it had to be her) commented.

“I was just saying, Dad and Papa turned down loads of names until Naboo said one.” Pearl gasped just as Flo finished her sentence.

“Naboo should name me!” He heard bedsprings shift.

“Careful.” All three older kids said at the same time, giving Howard the impression that he had jumped to his feet on top of the mattress.

“Naboo can’t name you. At least not anytime soon. He’s off-planet until at least Christmas.” Billie sighed. “It was a cute idea though. He’d probably call you Xooberon or something. He only said Pearl because it was on the wine bottle in front of him. If you called him up right now he’d probably give you some whack ass name because he’s too high out of his mind to think properly.” Pearl hummed again for a moment. The pause was too long, in his opinion. Howard realized he was right when he heard feet hit the floor as if Pearl had jumped off the bed. Howard had made it back to his cup of freshly steeped tea by the time Pearl rounded the corner.

“Papa. Can I use the crystal ball in your closet to call Naboo?” Howard crossed his arms and tried to look curious, even though he knew why his son wanted to use it.

“Sure, why do you… what do you need?” He uncrossed his arms and recrossed them a few times, unsure what looked more relaxed.

“I could hear you breathing in the hallway.” He said as he turned to walk back down the hallway. Howard sighed and shook his head, waiting to hear the door to his own bedroom open. Howard sat down at the counter and closed his eyes. Which of his daughters were gay? Would Vince be that irritating about it if he knew?

“Good morning, Howard.” Vince stretched and went to lay on the couch. “God I missed sleeping in my bed.” He laughed and pulled a pillow to rest behind his head. “Pearl got a new name yet? He just walked into our closet. I’m assuming he’s calling Naboo.” Howard stepped around his chair and sat down.

“Have you talked to your daughters yet?” Howard ignored Vince’s question in favor of one he actually wanted to talk about. Vince sighed and closed his eyes.

“I just woke up, Howard. Give me a break. I haven’t even gotten to say hello to them yet.” Vince rubbed his eyes. “Are they all awake? Or was it just Pearl?” Howard shook his head.

“They’re all awake. In fact, they were all in a meeting together before Pearl asked to call Naboo.” Vince uncovered one of his eyes with a frown.

“You what? A meeting ?” He laughed. Howard shrugged. “A meeting.” He shook his head. “What about? Are they forming a union?” 

“They were actually talking about Pearl’s new name and if he even needs one.” Howard sighed. “I also heard one of them mention one of the girls being gay but I couldn’t tell which one. It seems to be privileged information and we don’t have that luxury.” 

“God, do we have one heteronormative child?” Vince laughed softly. “Though if it's only one of them then I suppose we do have one.” Howard shook his head.

“Go talk to your children.” He stood and stretched out his legs. “They’re headed out to Suzanna’s later today for lunch and to go see a movie. Make sure you work things out with them before they leave.” He picked up his tea. “I’m going to make sure our son figured out how to call Naboo.” Howard moved through the house, taking mental notes on where everyone was. Tom was back in his room laying flat on the floor with headphones on and his eyes closed, and the girls were still in their bedroom starting to get ready for their day out.

“Florence said I was named by you and seeing that I’m changing now I feel like you should name me this time too.” The ball in front of him was glowing so bright Howard couldn’t look directly at it, though Pearl seemed unaffected by the glow.

“Did I name you?” He heard Naboo’s voice crackle from the ball. He must’ve been off-planet like the kids said. “Alright. You’re officially…” He paused to think, “ Paithoon . Old Xooberonian name.” Pearl laughed.

“Yeah, too old. Anything else?” He sighed. “Maybe without a P?” Naboo sighed.

“There’s always the classic, Bollo .” Pearl perked up. “That was my old familiar’s name. I’ve released him from servitude since for a newer model. He also wanted to go and DJ in Germany, so it was a win-win.”

“ Bollo ?” He asked. Howard leaned against the doorway and watched Pearl think for a moment. “I quite like Bollo .” Naboo congratulated him.

“Call me in a few years so I can help you transition. I know some shit that’ll help.” Naboo said before immediately hanging up.

“What do you think of Bollo , Papa?” Pearl asked, looking up at Howard. He sighed with a shrug.

“Bollo will always be an ape to me. An ape that accidentally sent me and Dad to Monkey Hell, more specifically.” Pearl laughed. “Really! He also cut off the head and feet of one of his best friend, Chinco.” He laughed again.

“So not Bollo, and definitely not Paithoon. What do you think I should do?” His laughing petered out into a sigh.

“Do you want the P sound? Or just anything?” Howard watched Pearl think for a moment before simply shrugging. “I like Walsh, but I also think you should do what you like.” Pearl sighed.

“Why don’t I change my name to Bollo Walsh but go by Walsh?” He asked. Howard nodded and smiled at him.

“Nice to meet you, Walsh.”

Chapter Text

He had tried. He really had. Vince had tried everything he could think of to help his daughters get past their anger towards him. He swore he wouldn’t go again, but after breaking that very same promise before, they didn’t trust him. Howard even tried to talk to them about it on multiple occasions. When he came back from their room with a frown for the last time, Vince knew what they had to do.

“Therapy?” Howard asked. “Isn’t that a little dramatic?” He folded one of Walsh’s shirts. “They’re mad, not traumatized.” Vince shook his head.

“No. I think they’re going through something.” Vince pulled his shoes on. He was going to pick them up from school and take them to Doctor David’s office.

“Of course they’re going through something, they’re fifteen .” Howard leaned down and picked up another article of clothing from the laundry basket. “Are you sure there’s no other way to get through to them?” Howard wasn’t too keen on forcing them to go to therapy over their little temper tantrums but Vince seemed adamant.

“ Yes , Howard. I’m positive.” He slipped on his coat. “They already told me they don’t want to talk about it with me, and they won’t tell you anything they haven’t told me already. It's time to get a professional involved.” Howard sighed and shook his head.

“If you think that’ll help then go for it. You know yourself better than I do and they’re practically carbon copies of you.” Vince nodded. “Will you be home for dinner?” Howard glanced up at Vince.

“Yeah. We shouldn’t be too long. David’s doors close at 6 so we’ll be home before Walsh’s curfew.” He opened the door but he paused. “This is the right thing to do, right?” Vince glanced back over his shoulder. “Should I talk to them about going to therapy first?” Howard sighed.

“When we started going you thought it was… you weren’t very happy about having to go. You thought we could work it out without getting a stranger involved. I would talk to them about it first, if I were you.” Howard was right about how the kids would feel last time, maybe he was right.

“I’ll let you know if we end up going today then.” He stepped out the door. The girls didn’t need to be picked up from school anymore, in fact none of them did. The girls were certainly old enough and Tom was responsible enough to make sure Walsh was coming home with him, but Vince needed that time to talk to the girls without anyone interrupting them.

Vince made it to their school just in time to see them come out the door. They were laughing and smiling with Suzanna for a moment, as expected, when Billie leaned in and kissed her. They all parted ways with a wave and big smiles, both of which faded just as the girls made eye contact with Vince from across the courtyard.

Billie leaned toward Flo and said something that made Flo nod. They turned and walked across the opposite side to go around Vince entirely. He sighed and jogged to catch up. He needed to talk to them whether they wanted to talk to him or not.

“Oi!” He shouted after them. They both turned to face him slowly. “We need to talk.” He draped his arms over their shoulders so they couldn’t get too far ahead of him again.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Billie crossed her arms. 

“You want us to stop being upset with you, we don’t want to stop being upset with you because you fucked us over. What is there to talk about?” Flo shrugged.

“ No . I want to know what I can do to make you feel better. You can stay mad at me, but I don’t want that to impact your quality of life.” He pulled them to sit on a bench with him. “I know I messed up but I want to make it up to you.” Flo shrugged out from under his arm and looked away.

“Dad, you can’t make it up to us. You made a mistake and now you have to watch us agonize over it forever. That’s your punishment.” Billie glared at him. Vince frowned.

“That is so unhealthy, you realize that?” He rubbed his face and looked up. “You’re not supposed to hold onto things like that. Punish me, yeah that’s fine, I deserve it, but don’t make yourselves suffer because of it.” He glanced at them one at a time. Billie looked disinterested like she was being scolded for something she didn’t do, and Flo looked like she wasn’t listening.

“Dad, I think your problem is that you think you can fix it all just by smiling and saying something that drips with charm. That isn’t going to work here.” Flo stood up and began to start walking away.

“Florence.” Vince called her. She stopped and turned around. “ I don’t think this is something any of us can fix without help.” Flo’s face softened a bit. “Will you please come sit next to me?” He asked after a few minutes of staring at one another. She eventually sat back down. “I’ve made an appointment with a counselor.”

“ Counseling ? Like what you and Papa do because you can’t seem to get along sometimes?” She crossed her arms again. Vince nodded.

“He mediates for us a lot, but… me and Howard have a lot that we’ve been through that makes us difficult people to get along with sometimes. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. Being angry or frustrated or, like how I think you two feel, betrayed is fine. But we have to find a way to get past it.” He draped his arms around their shoulders again to pull them to his sides. “I love you both very much, and I feel terrible about what I’ve done. I just want to work it out.” They both rested their heads on his shoulders for a few minutes.

“When is the appointment?” Billie asked quietly. Vince checked his phone for the time.

“In twenty minutes if you want to do it today.” He watched Billie stand and straighten her blazer.

“Well, then we better get going. We don’t want to be late.” Vince watched Flo follow her sister’s lead in standing and grabbing her bag. Vince stood along with them and they started down the road to the office.

When they arrived they found they were the only people in the waiting room. Vince filled out the little sign in sheet for the three of them and sat back down between them. Waiting made him feel anxious. He was afraid the girls would back out at any moment.

“Mr. Noir?” He looked up and saw Doctor David standing with his clipboard. “Are you all ready?” Vince stood and looked at the girls. They nodded and followed him into Doctor David’s office. When Vince sat down on the couch he watched the girls sit in the chairs across from him and tried not to look hurt. “Alright, Vince, always good to see you.” Doctor David nodded to him before turning to the girls. “Girls, I am Doctor David. You can call me David, or Doctor, or just whatever you’re most comfortable with.” He shook hands with each girl.

“I’m Bill and this is Flo.” Billie took the lead as she normally did. “You aren’t going to take Dad’s side just because he’s the adult, right?” She narrowed her eyes at David as he eased into his chair. He shook his head.

“Of course not. I’m just here to make sure we stay on topic and everyone is clear about what they want. I’m not going to work it out for you. You have to do that yourself.” Flo nodded and looked at Vince.

“How do we start?” She asked without looking away from him. Vince felt like he was going to get yelled at. Though he felt that was more than fair it didn’t make him any less on edge.

“Just, start. I’ll ask for clarification if I feel it’s needed.” David smiled at her softly, though she wasn’t looking.

“Dad, you fucked up and I feel like if I stop being actively mad at you then you’ll forget how bad this sucked for us and turn around and do it all over again.” She raised her eyebrows at him. Vince frowned.

“ That’s the reason you won’t talk to me?” Vince felt floored. “I could never forget how much that hurt you.” She rolled her eyes and laughed.

“You sure forgot when you chose to leave.” Flo shook her head and looked away from him. 

“Not to mention how you didn’t retire when we were born, but the moment Naboo gave you and Papa a baby that was both of you, you dropped everything to raise him.” Billie picked at the hem of her sleeve.

“Wait, do you think I wanted to be gone during your childhoods?” Vince leaned forward. “I got out as quickly as I possibly could.”

“Bullshit!” Flo shouted. “You stayed out as long as you wanted to. It had nothing to do with us!” David held up his hand.

“Hold on, Flo.” He said. “Vince, explain what you mean by ‘ got out ’, because I don’t think they have the same context I do.” Vince frowned, he was reluctant to share too much of his and Howard’s early history. He sighed and rubbed his face before beginning to choose his words carefully.

“I… signed a contract before me and Papa even got together. I had no choice but to go when you were young..” Vince frowned. “For ten years I was caught between blocking out my tours back to back and literally never seeing you, or getting fleeting glances at you as you grew up without me. You were seven by the time I reached the end of my contract.” He sighed thinking about all the holidays and birthdays he’d had to miss over the years. He knew he could never make up that time.

“ No ! Don’t make it sound like you didn’t want to go.” Flo frowned. “You could’ve gotten out of it! Or you could’ve waited to have us! Or you-”

“Flo, that’s not how that happened.” He tried to cut in.

“Not to mention that you still chose to have Tom when we were 4! It’s not like-“ Flo tried to talk over him.

“Florence!” Vince shouted, possibly for the first time, at his daughter. “We had you to get me out of it in the first place!” He covered his mouth immediately, having never expected to tell them that he realized he said it in the worst possible way.

“ What ?!” Billie frowned. “So what? We were just a failed experiment?” She shook her head. “You know? I came in here hoping to feel better by the time we left but this isn’t working!” She stood and ran her hands through her hair.

“You made a bet that you could stop working if you had kids and you lost .” Flo crossed her arms. “I can understand that you can’t really take it back but did you really have no contingency plan?” She shook her head. “You’re so… thoughtless !” She picked up her bag. “You’re irresponsible, and you don’t seem to realize that your actions affect other people. I’m leaving. I’ll see you at home.” She strode to the door and glared back at him as she pulled it open.

“Miss Flo, can you please come back? We aren’t finished here.” Doctor David asked calmly. They seemed to have a silent conversation resulting in her coming back to her chair. “Now, Vince. Explain everything to them clearly . Maybe they’ll understand your reasoning.” Vince groaned. This was exactly what he didn’t want to do.

“Me and Papa decided to have kids because in my contract it said that I could have time off for family emergencies. We were already trying to have you, and there were so many complications that we very nearly lost hope. The contract loophole was just a detail that helped us keep going. You were not a test . You weren’t a bet, or an experiment, or a retirement plan. That’s just why I couldn’t stay home with you.” He watched Flo roll her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but David glanced at her, keeping her from interrupting. “You two are far more than anything I thought I would ever be able to accomplish. Though I know that you’re more of Papa’s accomplishment than mine.”

“Okay, so what? You misread? You underestimated what qualified as a family emergency?” Billie asked with a shrug. “That doesn’t change what you did! You still never stayed. You could’ve gotten a lawyer, or you could’ve just dealt with the backlash from your fans . You have still put so much before us.”

“No, and you’re right. There were lots of things I could have done, but I didn’t. I was afraid, and so I just did what they wanted me to do. The label found out what me and Howard were trying to do and they changed their policy about family emergencies.” He looked away from their faces. “You two don’t realize just how popular my band was at one point. We were putting out albums every six months, interchanged with six month to one year long tours. We couldn’t get out.” He found himself tugging his own hair more and more frequently. “I wrote you guys so many letters, and I got you so many gifts, and I called every night before dinner, but it wasn’t enough and I know that and I know there’s nothing I can do about it now, but I want to fix it.”

“ Okay great, so let’s go on tour again anyway even though it was literally the worst experience of my life. ” Flo rolled her eyes. “You’re so full of bullshit.”

“I went on this last tour because I remember what it was like on stage. I’m not under that management anymore, and the band is totally free to do what we want now. This last tour was completely my mistake.” He held his two hands up in defense. “I’m a performer, and I always have been. But I should’ve thought about how that would’ve affected you before putting that into motion.”

“You didn’t even apologize.” Flo shook her head at him. “You’ve said you feel bad, you’ve said you shouldn’t have done it. But you never said you were sorry , you absolute bastard.”

“Worse! You’ve apologized that we feel bad , which means you feel bad for making us feel bad but you don’t regret doing it.” Billie nodded in agreement.

“No regret means you’d do it again.” Flo crossed her arms again. Vince paused in thought.

“Have I really not said I’m sorry?” He paused for a moment. “Jesus, I didn’t realize I never said it. I had been doing…” he slid off the couch to stand on his knees in front of them. He grabbed one of each of their hands and looked at them.

“I am so sorry I did that to you. It will never happen again. It wouldn’t have happened the first time if I wasn’t selfish and conceited and vain.” He kissed the back of their hands. “Can you ever forgive me? I’d give anything to fix it.” Billie squeezed his hand gently. It was quiet for a moment before Billie finally spoke up.

“Just don’t get involved in my love life.” Vince glanced up at her again. “I know you saw me kiss Suzanna. If you try to butt in I will personally stab you in the chest.” He nodded in agreement.

“Just don’t fucking lie to me again.” Flo punched him in the shoulder just before he wrapped his arms around them tightly.

“I swear I won’t.” He closed his eyes. “Tell me sooner next time I’m trying to do something that will upset you, please , for the love of God.” He sighed. They both nodded and pulled away.

“Everyone feel better?” Doctor David asked. Everyone mumbled a response, none of them sure what to do now other than pack their things. 

Doctor David smiled to himself. He didn’t understand what he brought to the conversation for the Noir/Moon household spats, but all the same he sat in on request from them over and over. They all seemed to have it all figured out.

Chapter Text

“Walsh!” Vince called out the door. “Time for breakfast!” He had taken to climbing the trees in the backyard early in the mornings to watch the sun as it came up… or something. Though that struck Vince and Howard as odd, they generally brushed it off and let him do what he wanted. It wasn’t like he was hurting anyone, and that was one less kid to have to wake up every morning. 

“Everything ready?” Howard asked for possibly the five hundredth time. Vince nodded, just as he had every other time Howard asked. “You’re sure? The teachers know? Do his friend’s parent’s know? What about-” Vince held up his hand.

“ Everyone knows. Stop stressing, you’re gonna give yourself an ulcer.” Vince sat down at the table with his coffee.

“And everyone responded positively? No one said anything that sounded problematic?” Howard was clearly still stressing. Vince reached over and covered Howard’s hand with a frown.

“Everything is fine. Everyone knows, if anyone doesn’t respect him then we’ll hear about it. Relax.” He shook his head just as the back door opened. “Come on, breakfast is hot on the table. We’ll need to leave soon, and by we , I mean you.” Vince watched Tom stand from his seat and stretch. He was getting much too tall for Vince’s liking.

“Are you ready, little man?” Tom asked Walsh with a slight smile. “Gotta get to school early so you can reintroduce yourself. Get it right this time, yeah?” Walsh rolled his eyes before grabbing his backpack. “Your hair is getting kinda scruffy. Are you going to have Papa cut it back?” Walsh shook his head.

“Nah. I miss my curls. I don’t want it long again though.” They waved over their shoulders as they started their walk to school. It was nice not having to take them anymore, though that didn’t stop Vince and Howard from worrying if they made it every day. Vince took a forkful of his eggs and waited another moment for the girls to finally come down the hall before glancing at Howard.

“Where are the girls?” He stood without waiting for an answer from Howard. They had been sleeping later and later every day. Vince pushed their door open slowly while knocking. “Ay? You’re awake, right?” He paused. “Right?” He pushed the door open to see Bill still asleep while Flo gathered her backpack.

“I’m not going. I need a Me Day.” Bill rolled over and covered her head with her pillow. Vince frowned at her and glanced at Flo.

“I dunno. She got a weird text from Suzy. She’s probably just too scared to see her.” Flo patted Vince’s head and left the room.

“Weird text?” Vince asked quietly and sat on the edge of her bed. “I’m not gonna make you go. You know that already, so you might as well tell me about it.” Bill peeked out from under her pillow. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I just don’t want her to break up with me.” Bill dropped the pillow covering and curled up her legs. Vince rolled his eyes.

“What did she say?” He watched her for a moment. “I won’t make you show me but I can’t help if you don’t let me.” Bill groaned and sat up.

“What do you even know about women?” She picked up her phone. “I mean, you’re a gay man. You don't have to deal with them.” She turned her phone towards him and closed her eyes.

“I’ve dated women before, Bill. I was bisexual before it was trendy.” He squinted, trying to read the texts. His eyesight was getting worse every day. He pulled his reading glasses from his robe pocket and slipped them on.

I have an idea. Meet me behind the school at lunch. xx 

“You haven’t ever dated women.” She frowned at him with her eyes still closed. “You can’t say you dated someone just because you went on one date.” Vince pulled his glasses off before she could open her eyes and see that he had them on.

“Have so. I didn’t date Howard until we were much older.” He scoffed. She pulled her phone back with a skeptical look. “She was probably just  gonna kiss you or something. She’s not breaking up with you. She wouldn’t have left the two kisses on the end.” He shrugged. “You shouldn’t be scared to face her unless you did something wrong.” She rolled her eyes and fell back on the bed.

“Does that mean I have to go to school?” She asked in a quiet voice. “I was really looking forward to having a quiet day in.” She crossed her arms over her face, fearing the worst. Vince rolled his eyes.

“You can stay home, just know that’s it for the next few weeks. You don’t have many absences left and I don’t want you using them all just in case you need them.” He stood from her bed. “Door closed? Light off? Will you be joining me and Papa for breakfast?” He watched her hold her thumb up.

“Not breakfast.” She groaned from her pillow. Vince shook his head again as he left. He remembered being 15. It was not a good time. He would’ve killed for a day off occasionally.

“Where’s Bill?” Howard took a spoonful of his oatmeal as Vince came back down the hall.

“Staying in today.” He rubbed his face as he sat down. “She’s done well in school lately, she can have a day.” Howard nodded and gathered his dishes. “Florence left?” Vince leaned down and grabbed the kid’s dishes, as well as his own.

“Yeah, she’s gone.” Howard stepped out of the way for Vince to start washing the dishes. “Once you’re done here, you wanna…” Howard shook his shoulders slightly like he was doing a little shimmy.

“Are you propositioning me?” Vince turned off the water and raised his eyebrows. Howard gave him an attempt at a flirty look before immediately pausing and frowning.

“I think we have to be strangers for it to be propositioning, Vince.” He looked away in thought, “I suppose I could look it up, my dictionary is-“

“Howard, shut up.” Vince leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss. He rolled his eyes, trying to get started though Howard was being efficiently distracting. He had moved himself to stand directly behind Vince and drop his chin onto Vince’s shoulder.

“If everyone had gone to school I wouldn’t wait for you to be done.” Howard reached up and tugged a piece of Vince’s hair. Vince rolled his eyes again.

“What? You’d ‘ave taken me on the kitchen floor if there weren’t prying ears?” He turned his face towards Howard’s. “That’s a little too adventurous for you , ain’t it?” Howard pulled away all at once.

“Adventure is my middle name, sir.” He put his hands on his hips and puffed out his chest. “I could have you in any room of this house if I wanted to.” Vince turned to face him all the way.

“You couldn’t even get us off on my tour bus when it was empty .” He crossed his arms. “Most adventurous you’ve ever gotten was that one time we went at it next to the bed , and that was because you had just changed the sheets and didn’t want to make a mess.” Vince shook his head with a grin at Howard’s blush.

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy clean sheets, sir.” His chest deflated a bit. “Not to mention that one time, when we were dating, before you went on stage.”

“You mean when I cornered you and got you off?” Vince laughed softly. “That hardly counts! You didn’t do anything except get my top dirty.” Howard frowned.

“Alright, fine .” He stood up straight. “If a late morning lay isn’t adventurous enough for you then maybe we can go out tonight and make it a little more exciting.” Vince turned back to the sink to hide his laugh.

“Sounds great, Howard.” He dipped his hands into the hot water. Howard’s silence lingered a bit too long for a moment. “ Really , that sounds nice. You plan it out, anything you like, and we can do it tonight.” He felt Howard pinch the back of his arm gently before walking away.

Vince had only just finished drying the dishes when he heard footsteps again.

“I told you, Howard, we can do whatever you want.” Vince turned with the last plate in his hand. He was surprised to see Bill sitting on the other side of the counter. “Oh, I forgot you were home.” He put the plate in front of her. “Are you hungry?” She shook her head.

“No, thanks.” She crossed her arms and rested her head on the counter. “Dad, when you were dating Pa, did you ever get confusing texts? Well… I suppose maybe not texts , but-“ Vince laughed.

“Yeah, I still get confusing texts from him, babe.” He opened the fridge to grab the apple juice and dropped a cup on the counter in front of her. “Why? What else did you get?” He watched her pour herself a glass.

“Nothing. It’s just strange. She asked where I was and just said ‘lol’ when I told her I was home sick.” He leaned toward her and rested his weight on his elbows.

“Is it possible your sister told her what really happened?” Vince took a sip out of her cup. Bill shook her head.

“No. Florence knows better than to spill.” She dropped her phone on the counter. “How do you reckon Walsh is doing? I’m awful nervous for him.” Vince shrugged.

“No phone calls yet, so he hasn’t started biting. That’s usually a good sign when it comes to my children.” Vince moved away from her and turned to start a fresh pot of coffee. “Do you want any of this?” He glanced over his shoulder. She nodded before sliding off her stool to put the juice away.

“Right, but do you think it’s going okay? I remember when I started going by Bill, no one listened for at least a month. He’s trying to change everything .” Bill crossed her arms with a frown. Vince sighed.

“I dunno. Little kids are more reasonable in a lot of ways. So long as his teachers aren’t horrible about it, then it should be fine.” Vince pulled down two mugs and waited for the coffee to finish. “Besides. I’m hoping that because it’s a big change then people will catch on faster. We don’t really have a backup plan, so here's hoping we don’t need one.” He laughed bitterly.

“Good fucking luck, Dad.” She poured herself a cup before the pot was finished and carried her mug back to her room.

“Make sure you bring the mug back!” He called down the hall, after her. He sighed, knowing she wouldn’t until much later. He moved to the washing machine and leaned down to change the load over. He heard footsteps again. “Oi, ask your dad if he sent the dry cleaning, would you?” He closed the door to the dryer as he stood.

“I’m afraid my dad is long gone. I , however, did take the dry cleaning.” Howard laughed from across the room. “Did you make enough of this for me?” Howard gestured to the coffee pot.

“Go on.” Vince stepped over to where Howard was standing and wrapped his arms around his middle. “Bill’s got me all stressed about Walsh. You haven’t heard anything, have you?” Vince pressed his face against Howard’s back while he spoke.

“No reports of biting… not yet anyway.” Howard turned so he was facing Vince. “Why? You said everyone seemed normal about the transition.” He held Vince away from him by his shoulders. “Everyone was normal about the transition, right?” He looked worried again.

“I dunno! I don’t know anymore!” Vince made a face. “I just… I told his friend's parents and they sounded normal about it! What if they aren’t?” They stared at one another for a moment, equally as anxious.

“We’re just going to have to wait and see.” Howard sounded less reassuring than he wanted to. “He’ll come home later today and he’ll tell us what’s going on. It’ll be fine. He’s like you, people like him.” Vince rolled his eyes.

“God I hope so.” They stood facing one another for what felt like ages until Vince finally stepped away. It wasn’t quite lunch yet so he moved to the living room and dropped onto the couch, “Come on. Come sit with me. We can’t wallow in our anxiety all day. We have a new episode of Drag Race to watch.” 

Howard had very reluctantly started watching Drag Race with Vince after Downton Abbey reruns didn’t quite hit the spot like they used to. Of course, if anyone asked Howard would say it was a good show to nap to, like golf tournaments or football matches, but he often found himself really enjoying it. He glanced over just in time to see Vince lay down on the other side of the couch. He knew Vince would be asleep by the end of the episode, and he would have to fill him in on what he missed.

“What are you watching?” Bill reappeared with one of her blankets thrown over her shoulders. She settled into Howard’s armchair and turned to face the screen.

“Drag Race. Your dad was watching it before…” he glanced down to see Vince passed out, as he expected. “You can change it if you’d like, I’m not attached.” He passed the remote to her, silently hoping she would just leave it.

“Oh, I’ve seen this one.” She crossed her arms. “Me and Suzanna watched through on Boxing Day.” Howard nodded.

“Why did you decide to stay home today? Headache… or?” He watched her flip through some channels.

“Nah. Just a weird brain day, I ’spose.” She paused on some cooking show and looked over at him. “When Dad says something strange to you, do you just move on? Or do you ask him what he means?” Howard frowned.

“I suppose, I ask him. But you know him, he just says things sometimes.” He watched the man on screen chop something. “Why do you ask?” He had known Bill had a girlfriend for a few weeks now, though she had yet to actually tell him about it. She looked back towards the screen with a sigh.

“No reason.” She pulled her blanket tighter around her shoulders. “What’s for lunch? I’m starved.” Howard made a face.

“Dunno. We could go get something.” He watched her watch the tv for a few minutes. “I need to go to the shop too, so we can go run some errands and get something to eat, if you want.” She shrugged without looking at him. 

“Sounds alright, I guess.” She curled up in the chair and flipped channels again.

“Leave in about an hour?” He kept watching her for a moment before she finally nodded. “Great. I’m going to go shower. If Vince wakes up, let him know our plan, yeah?” She hummed in response as he made his way to their bedroom.

When Vince finally woke up the house was deceptively still. He sat up and rubbed his face, only mildly concerned with how late it was. He glanced at his phone, still where he left it lying on his chest, to check the time. The kids would be home any minute. He squinted his eyes to read a text from Howard saying he took Bill out for a bit.

Vince rubbed his face and stood slowly. His nap had taken him out of commission longer than he had anticipated. He hadn’t even stretched his legs out all the way before the side door was slamming open and one of his children was shouting. He frowned and turned to the kitchen.

“No! It sucks !” Walsh all but threw his bag onto one of the chairs in the kitchen. “What does Mr. Barb think he knows about gender?” Tom was right behind him, picking up the things that had rolled out of Walsh’s open bag.

“Mr. Barb is a cock, but it’ll be fine.” Tom picked up Walsh’s bag and followed him to the refrigerator.

“No! It won’t be fine!” Walsh turned and glared at Tom, “No one said the wrong thing until he made a big deal about it!” He pushed the door closed with the jar of jam in his hand. Tom nodded along and grabbed the bread off the counter. “Literally everyone else was calling me Walsh, and they were treating me like a boy! It wasn’t a problem until maths!” He dropped the jam and the peanut butter on the counter. Vince watched them dance around one another while they made their after school sandwiches and Walsh fussed about how the day went.

“The day went badly, I take it?” Vince strode over to the counter and frowned. Walsh had just taken a large bite of his sandwich, leaving him to nod. Tom pulled the milk from the fridge and snagged two glasses from the drainboard.

“It was rubbish, Dad.” Walsh put his sandwich down and tapped his fingers against the counter. “Before lunch it was all fun and games, and then after lunch it was all-” He made explosion noises and rolled his eyes. “Mr. Barb-”

“ Fucking, Mr. Barb. ” Tom shook his head and took a gulp of his milk.

“He told everyone to quit using my new name and he told them I was making it all up!” Vince watched the clock on the microwave tick up faster with every word that Walsh said. “I just can’t-” He hit the counter. “I can’t do it again!” Vince nodded at him sadly. “I’m so sick of it! It’s already been ‘bout two months and I am still having to prove myself to everyone. I hate it. I hate it so much!” The microwave door opened suddenly, making them all jump.

“Okay, you need to calm down.” Vince held a hand out for Walsh to take, but he was ignored.

“It just fucking sucks , Dad!” the window opened as soon as his hand hit the counter again. Vince winced as one of the decorative glass bottles fell from the windowsill and shattered in the sink.

“I’m sorry , but you need to calm down.” Vince spoke loudly, but did his best not to shout. Tom had moved to close the microwave when the toaster started smoking in the corner. “We don’t need another weird look from the cashier when we buy our fifth toaster for the month.” Walsh frowned at Vince, making him mildly afraid of getting his head exploded, before stomping back to his room and slamming the door shut.

“He’s just stressed. He doesn’t mean it, I’m sure.” Tom picked the pieces of glass out of the sink. “Mr. Barb is a dick though. I heard him talking to Head Teacher Mitchell, and he was trying to convince him that Walsh was being a troublemaker. I guess it doesn’t help that his magic kept-” he made a small explosion noise.

“He blew things up at school?” Vince raised his eyebrows. “He knows better than that! He’s done so well without-” Vince sat down on the nearest chair and grit his teeth.

“It wasn’t big stuff. Only I noticed, really.” Tom put their dishes in the sink as carefully as he could. “Besides, no one got hurt or anything, and it is something that is actually irritating him. It’s not like he’s overreacting.”

“Go ahead and get started on your homework. Everyone else will be home soon.” Vince ran a hand through his hair anxiously. Tom rolled his eyes and gathered both of their bags.

“He’s only gonna get more and more upset.” Tom said quickly as he passed by Vince. Tom dropped Walsh’s bag on the floor in front of his room before heading on to his own. Vince sat in silence and waited for Flo to come home.

“Are you alright, Dad?” He heard her speak before he heard the door. “You look a little…”

“I’m just irritated.” He stood and moved to the sink to wash Tom and Walsh’s dishes. He didn’t exactly want to talk to her about it.

“I was gonna say pissed, but okay.” She put her bag on the kitchen counter and raised her eyebrows. “Are the boys home yet?” She sat down and pulled out her notebook. “I was anxious all day about Walsh.” Vince leaned against the counter and groaned.

“I’ve only heard bad things.” He watched the sink fill slowly. “I have to talk to Howard about it. I can’t send him back in there.” He glanced over his shoulder and frowned at her.

“I hope Papa has a solution. He’s usually good at finding alternatives.” Vince nodded along, though knowing Howard would know what to do didn’t make him feel any less anxious. It was like he could feel the anger coming through the walls.

Howard and Bill got home a few hours later with their arms full of groceries, both of them laughing loudly about something one of them had said.

“ Shut up , Papa!” She put her bags on the counter and punched his arm.

“Hey! You said it!” He nudged her back, and set his bags down as well. She rolled her eyes and opened one of the bags. 

“Hey, Dad, how did Walsh’s day go?” She pulled a few different sweets out. Vince turned around and frowned at them. Howard made eye contact with Vince and deflated a bit.

“I was afraid of that.” He pulled the rest of the little treats out of one of the bags and passed it to Bill. “Take that to your brother. Florence, go with her. I need to talk to your Dad.” Vince watched them both anxiously move down the hall and quietly knock on the door. Howard grabbed Vince’s arm and pulled him out the side door to stand on the back porch. 

“Alright, so what's the plan?” Howard crossed his arms. “Walsh’s day went bad, but it went badly enough that one of the bottles is missing and the toaster is unplugged. So what do we do now?” Vince sighed loudly.

“I don’t know. What do you think? Pearl- Walsh was told he was lying by one of his teachers. He’s even trying to get everyone to ignore his wishes and, do what I just fucking did, call him the wrong name.” Vince groaned. “I hate that I can’t seem to get it right 100% of the time. He’s my kid! I should be better at this.” He tugged at his hair with a groan.

“No one can get it right all the time, we get our twins confused and they haven’t changed identities.” Howard peeked through the window in the door to make sure they were all on the other end of the house. “All the same, we need to figure out what we’re doing to help him.” Vince nodded sadly.

“Okay, so what do you reckon? He’s already different enough, what else could we possibly do that wouldn’t alienate him?” Vince felt helpless. He had no idea what to do. He should’ve known. It shouldn’t have been so hard for him to try to help his own child, right?

“I have an idea, but you’re going to hate it.” Howard reached into his pocket and retrieved his cigarettes. Vince took one with an anxious frown. “Naboo has that school… the one that’s out of town.”

“No. Howard. No way. I’m not sendin him away because he’s different.” Vince nearly spit his cigarette out immediately.

“Relax, Vince.” He sighed. His lighter flicked to life long enough to light their cigarettes. “We would have to talk to him about it, and figure it out from there. I just don’t want Walsh getting behind in school. Besides-” He took a quick drag, “he’s getting more powerful and he doesn’t know how to control himself.” He watched Vince get defensive.

“It’s fine !” Vince crossed his arms, “He needs to stay here! Where we can keep him safe.” Howard put a hand on his shoulder.

“He needs to be trained. He’s already different enough, Vince. Can’t you swallow your pride enough to let him be with children that are like him?” He watched Vince’s face fall as he shook his head again. “Sending him somewhere that he’ll fit in doesn’t mean we love him any less.” He watched Vince shake his head faster. “Vince, sending Walsh away to a place where he won’t be misgendered and where he can learn how to control his magic isn’t the same.” Vince shook his head harder and squeezed his eyes shut.

“No! No! Howard! We can find something else! I am not sending my son away when he ain’t done nothin wrong!” He took a step away from Howard’s outstretched hand. “Find another way.” his fists were balled at his sides, like he was ready to physically fight Howard.

“Wait just a minute.” Howard put his hand over the door so Vince couldn’t run off in a panic. “We aren’t shipping him off because we don’t want to deal with him, or even because we can’t deal with him. We are only getting the information on the school to see if he would want to go.” He watched Vince’s face scrunch unhappily. “We need to talk to him about it and then let him decide. No more deciding for them, we have to talk to them about these things before we make choices.” He finally managed to put his hand on Vince’s shoulder. “We’ve fucked up enough by choosing things for them. They’re all their own people, right?” Vince gritted his teeth and nodded.

“Just so you know, I hate this.” Vince turned and opened the door to head back inside. Over the following weeks Vince found himself saying just that repeatedly and thinking it more. He watched Howard hand Walsh the pamflet from Naboo for this school, making him internally cringe.

“We aren’t going to force you, but you might feel more welcome here. You can use your magic, and they’ll even teach you how to use it.” Howard smiled and watched Walsh excitedly flip through the little book. Walsh nodded.

“Can we go?” He asked immediately. “I wanna see.” He looked between the booklet and Howard with a big smile. Howard looked surprised.

“Yeah! Yes! Absolutely we can!” Howard looked back at Vince. “When… I can call… someone!”

“I’ll call Charlotte.” Vince tried to flash a supportive smile. “They’re both home right now taking care of things.” Howard looked back and gave a sympathetic look.

“Perfect. Do you want to go this weekend?” Howard had barely gotten the sentence out before Walsh was nodding.

“Yes! Please! Can we? I’ll never ask for anything else ever again!” He stood and clasped his hands as if he had to beg. Howard laughed and nodded. Walsh made his hands into fists, crumpling the pamflet in his grip. He jumped forward and wrapped his arms around Howard’s middle excitedly.

“Just make sure you’re ready to go after school on Friday, alright? We will figure out all the other stuff. You’re sure you want to do this? You can always back out.” Howard pushed him back by the shoulders.

“Yes! Yes! I don’t want to go back to my school.” His smile died slightly, “Please don’t make me go back.” He had already taken a few days off after his bad first day and his worse second day back. The last few days of their school week was spent with Vince teaching him how to keep up with his own laundry and various other things he hasn’t really had to keep up with.

The whole time they prepared for their weekend away Walsh was eagerly learning anything Vince and Howard could teach him about taking care of himself. 

“Always wash on cold. It all gets clean and it’s usually cheaper too. There's less color leakage, but that doesn’t mean none . Always separate your darks and lights, yeah? Especially if you have a bunch of uniforms.” He watched Walsh turn the dial to start the laundry. “Oh! Make sure-”

“I know, Dad, I know .” He turned back to Vince with a smile. “What time are we leaving?” Vince put his hand on top of Walsh’s head.

“We’ll go once Aunt Charlotte gets here.” He had answered that question a few times now. “Besides, our meeting isn’t until tomorrow anyway. We have all the time in the world to get to Banbury, love.” He smiled sadly. “Hey… you know that if you go to this school, that far from home, you have to stay there?” He put his hand on Walsh’s cheek, watching him think carefully. He eventually nodded.

“Yeah.” He said quietly. “I would be sad to be away, but…” Walsh trailed off, avoiding Vince’s gaze.

“But you want to go.” He nodded back. “It’s okay. You can want that.” He pulled Walsh forward and kissed the top of his head. “Don’t feel bad about wanting to go.” He spoke against his forehead. “I’m just selfish and I don’t want to miss seeing you every day.” He laughed sadly.

“I’ll call every day, Dad.” He smiled. “I can draw something on you that’ll last until I come home.” He scrunched his nose. Vince’s last tour had been a sore spot for all of them, though Walsh was the one the least sore about it. Vince ruffled his hair and stood up

“Are you all packed?” Vince asked. Walsh nodded excitedly. “Just for the weekend, you know that right? Even if you do decide to go, you don’t start until fall and that's a good few months from now.” Walsh nodded less excitedly. “Good. Go find your shoes so we aren’t searching for an hour, yeah?” He watched Walsh run down the hall to his room when there was a knock at the door.

“Hey?” Charlotte peeked her head inside, letting herself in. “How is everyone?” She pulled Vince in for a hug. He placed a hand on her swollen belly with a smile.

“We’re alright, how are you ?” He asked. She was bigger than he thought she was going to be. She laughed and rolled her eyes.

“I’m doing just like I was with yours at this point. My feet hurt, my back hurts, and it feels like I can’t breathe all the way, but I’m so excited!” He ushered her to sit in Howard’s armchair before running back to the kitchen to turn on the electric kettle.

“Howard! Kids! She’s here!” He watched Howard greet her the same way he did. “How is Mack?” Vince finished her tea before bringing it to her. She laughed and rolled her eyes.

“God, she’s positively pitiful. I know we didn’t plan to be pregnant at the same time, but boy, it sure is fun.” She took the mug from Vince and turned to watch them grab their bags. “You’re taking Sir Walsh to some fancy new school then?” She smiled as Walsh came running down the hall.

“Yeah, his current school isn’t really… it’s leaving a lot to be desired.” Howard pulled his snow boots on and handed Vince his jacket off the hook. “It’s not such a big deal. We just have a walk through tomorrow morning and a meeting with the headmaster on Sunday. It’s not that intense, honestly.”

“I get to learn how to use my magic!” He put his feet into his rain boots while Howard sorted through the coats for his. “It’ll be so great! I can’t wait to start.” He let Howard help him put his arms in his coat. “I don’t start until Fall though. But Papa said I can do school at home until then, so I still don’t have to go back.”

“Who’ll teach you? Neither of your dads are particularly brainy.” She laughed with a wink. Vince rolled his eyes and opened the door.

“Thanks again, Charlotte, we owe you.” He waved at her. Howard echoed his sentiments before grabbing his and Walsh’s suitcases.

“It's no problem. Besides, your kids are my kids.” She laughed to herself. “Where are they?” She looked around for a minute.

“In their rooms. You know how teenagers are. They love hiding away where no one can see them. They’ll be out to make dinner soon.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Alright, we’re out of here. Don’t hesitate to call us if you need anything. We’re only about two hours away, we will come home if you need us.” She waved him off.

“Get out of here. I’ve got this.” She watched him head out the door while shaking her head.

**

The school was…large. Large enough to make Vince nervous about leaving Walsh there. He grabbed Howard’s hand as they were led through the large stone hallways. Howard looked over at him and raised his eyebrows.

“What’s the matter?” He whispered, trying to keep his voice low enough that Walsh wouldn’t hear him.

“It’s just so… big…” Vince frowned to himself. “Is he gonna be okay? If we leave him here, I mean.” Howard nodded slowly. “He’s only eight, and he’s so small.” Howard squeezed his hand.

“He’ll be nine by the time we leave him here, and we have all summer to teach him how to take care of himself. He’s smart, I’m sure he’ll be okay.” He pointed to Walsh as he looked around and peeked into every room. “He’s so excited, look at him.” Walsh was practically vibrating out of his skin, he was so happy. Vince smiled sadly. “He’s got this, yeah?” Vince nodded slowly.

“Alright, gentlemen, is there anything we should know about Walsh? Any learning accommodations, or…?” The woman leading the tour seemed kind enough, even with her fishlike features.

“Only thing is that Walsh doesn’t have any training in magic, but he's got loads of abilities. He’s blown up the toaster more than once this month alone.” Vince laughed nervously, “Oh, he is also transgender. His previous school was less than welcoming and it wasn’t a good environment for him. Can you guarantee that he won’t face the same scrutiny here?” Vince knew this was his final hail mary to keep Walsh closer to home.

“Oh of course! We are very open minded about gender identity. In fact, some of our students are from planets where there is no biological gender.” She smiled at Vince and then down at Walsh. “He’ll be very happy here, I guarantee it.” Vince nodded and looked at Howard again.

“Perfect… the place is perfect.” He sighed. “What do you think then, Walsh?” Walsh looked at Vince with a big smile.

“Can I please come here? Please? I promise I won’t cause trouble and I’ll do all my homework and I-” Howard knelt down next to him.

“Of course you can come here. We wouldn’t have brought you here just to tell you no.” Howard dropped his hands onto his shoulders. “Of course this means you’ll have to learn a lot of new things in the meantime, right?” Walsh nodded.

“I’ll do anything.” He all but whispered. Howard picked up Walsh to follow their tour guide down the hallway.

“This way to sign papers. You can meet with the headmaster tomorrow morning at 10. She’ll give you the packet you’ll need to prepare him. There might be exercises in the packet to do to try to direct his magic, but generally he’s right on track with everyone else his age. We can’t wait to have him.” She led them to an office where it was made official. Walsh was going to attend a magic school two hours away from home. Basically a world away, in Vince’s opinion.

Chapter Text

Vince stormed into their bedroom, attempting to slam the door behind himself. Howard had really done it now. Vince grabbed the decorative pillow off the center of the bed and threw it towards the door, having guessed Howard was coming after him.

“Relax!” Howard had caught the pillow. “You’ve known about this basically since it happened!” He shook his head at Vince’s red face.

“That doesn’t mean you should tell the children , you insensitive fucking cunt!” Vince grit his teeth. “They already knew they were carried by Charlotte! They didn’t need to know the nitty gritty details! What next? Do you want to tell them about our favorite sex position?” Howard was fumbling with the lock while Vince shouted. “How about how lately you like to bottom because it’s easier on your knees? What’s wrong, Howard? Is that too much information for them? Does that embarrass you for them to know that?” Vince pulled the comforter off the bed and pushed it into Howard’s arms. “Get the-” He ripped the door open again, “ fuck out.” He pushed Howard out into the hall and slammed the door shut, locking it as quickly as he could.

Vince had known . It had been thirteen years since Tom was born, and it was nearly fourteen since Howard and Charlotte slept together. He had forgiven Howard for the mistake, he had even warmly welcomed a new baby into the family. He understood why it happened, Vince and Mack being gone for so long had hurt Howard and Charlotte in the same way. But Howard didn’t have to bring it up in front of the kids just to hurt him! That wasn’t fair!

Just because the kids were picking on Howard about not knowing what women liked did not mean he had to mention having slept with Charlotte! Vince fell back on the bed and crossed his arms. Howard was such a fucking dick! He didn’t regret kicking Howard out, though Vince did regret giving him the big blanket. He pulled the topsheet over his shoulders and tried to get comfortable. He closed his eyes and tried to forget that he was in the same bed that Howard had cheated on him in.

On the other side of the bedroom door Howard gathered the blanket in his arms so it wasn’t dragging.

“I have never seen Dad that angry.” Flo spoke from the end of the hall where all the kids were standing, attempting to hide behind one another. Howard looked down the hall at them and raised his eyebrows.

“Suppose I did deserve that.” He stayed where he was, watching the others shift nervously.

“Yeah, what you said was a little out of pocket, Pa.” Bill frowned while wringing her hands. Howard awkwardly shuffled down the hall to the living room. “Is he angry with us ?” She asked as Howard squeezed past them.

“No.” He sat down and crossed his arms.

“We were the ones who brought it up…” Tom spoke as they all turned to face him. “I just didn’t anticipate… you know…” They all sat down slowly like they might scare Howard away.

“Vince isn’t angry with you. Just shut up and go to bed.” Howard snapped. He was starting to feel the embarrassment that Vince had mentioned. The kids cringed at Howard’s shortness with them.

“You don’t have to be mean to us .” Bill crossed her arms but didn’t stand. “So what? You fucked aunt Charlotte and that’s how we got our dear sweet Tommy boy. Dad forgave you for it. He’ll get over you telling us about it eventually.” Howard shook his head and repositioned the pillows behind his head.

“Have you forgiven your Dad for his last tour?” the girls shook their heads slowly, “Exactly.” The girls faces fell. “It would be in all our best interests if we all went to bed and forgot this ever happened.” The kids stood from their seats. Howard watched them all lumber down the hall to their rooms without saying goodnight.

Howard settled onto the uncomfortable couch and closed his eyes. He hadn’t thought about his indiscretion since Tom was born. He and Charlotte hadn’t spent so much as an afternoon together since that night.

She had come over to sympathize with him over the absence of their loved ones, as well as help with the girls. They had been better behaved lately, but that didn’t make Howard feel less worn ragged. She had helped him make dinner, and they had polished off a bottle of port and some of the leftover Christmas desserts.

“You’re very cute, Howard.” She rolled her eyes and finished her glass of wine. “I need some water.” She grinned at him. “Do you need anything while I’m up?” Howard shook his head and got to his feet to follow her into the kitchen. “I hate that we’re alone, but I’m glad that we’re together.” She watched him nod.

“I agree. You’re good company, Charlotte.” He leaned over the counter and smiled at her. “When will they be back? Are they coming for New Years?” They had already missed Christmas, leaving them to have their own celebration. Howard was growing quite fond of her, really.

“I think Mack said she was back on the second, unfortunately. But that’s good for you guys! Back in time for the girl’s birthday, and all.” She took a sip of her water and stepped around to the same side of the counter as him. “I wish our plot had worked. I know it was like two whole years ago, but still…” She stood next to him and watched him watching her.

“Nearly three years now.” He dropped his arm over her shoulders and shrugged. “Even longer since he signed the fucking thing.” She leaned over with a sigh.

“He’ll be free someday. So will Mack, and then we can all be a big happy family.” She took another sip of her water. “It’s like they’re in prison, honestly. At least they’re making money though. That way at least the girls are taken care of physically.” Howard turned to face her.

“I would rather him be here, honestly.” They made the same concerned face at one another for a moment before they started leaning into one another. They both looked frightened, even as their lips touched hesitant at first, before realizing neither of them were going to pull away. Charlotte’s hands came up to Howard’s face just as his arms wrapped around her waist. Howard was swept up for a moment. Feeling someone against him was exactly what he had been needing, even if it wasn’t the person he wanted.

He slid his hands down to her legs to hoist her onto the counter. She pulled back and looked into Howard’s face. He had been unsure about this for a moment, but he noticed the same need and hurt that he had, and the wine made that a compelling enough argument for what he knew was about to happen.

“Howard?” She asked softly and trailed her fingers down his face. He grabbed her hand and pressed kisses to her fingertips. He wrapped his arms around her to draw her in again. He kissed down her neck and tried to ignore how unfamiliar she felt. “God, I’ve felt so alone, Howard.” Her fingers tangled into his hair. Her legs came to rest around his middle to pull him closer to her.

Even as Howard laid her on the bed, his and Vince’s bed, he could feel the guilt setting in. No matter how accomplished he felt making her gasp and writhe against the mattress, he still knew this was the worst thing he had ever done. It all felt wrong. Her skin was too soft under his lips, her hair was too long in his hands, her fingers pressed too hard into him. She was different in all the wrong ways.

The next morning Howard and Charlotte agreed to never speak of that encounter, and they would’ve stuck to it as well if it weren’t for neither of them accounting for needing some sort of contraception. It was barely three weeks later when he received the panicked phone call from her.

Howard made sure to wait for Vince to be in a decent mood before telling him what happened. He didn’t take it well. Howard kept a mental tally of all the things Vince shattered in his wake as he raged.

“HOW DARE YOU?” He was screaming and crying, throwing everything he could find at Howard. “AND WITH CHARLOTTE? OF ALL PEOPLE?” He balled his fists as his face turned red. Howard couldn’t do anything except stand there with his face hung in shame. He nodded, accepting every insult Vince threw at him. “Worst of all?” Vince seemed to shrink down again. “You weren’t even going to tell me this time! At least the first time you had the balls to say something!” He shook his head. “Fucking coward.” He turned to the front door and pulled it open. Howard hadn’t even gotten to the point of admitting his guilt when Vince left. He could hear the girls crying in their bedroom, having been woken from their nap by Vince’s tantrum. Howard’s bottom lip quivered, though he tried to hold it back. He was succeeding until he pushed the door open to the girl’s room and saw them both looking up at him with their sad blue eyes.

Howard couldn’t seem to fall asleep. He pulled the comforter tighter around his shoulders and stared up at the ceiling. Vince didn’t look as hurt this time but he was certainly just as angry. Howard sat up and decided to try his luck with their bedroom door. It was still locked, much to Howard’s disappointment. He sat down on the floor and let his back rest against the door. He wasn’t sleeping while on the couch, so he figured he would continue to not sleep closer to Vince.

He found himself finally succeeding at dozing when the door finally opened. Vince watched Howard fall backward, having been resting his entire weight against the door. Vince’s hands fell to his hips as he glared down at the now wide awake Howard. He sighed and turned around to head back into their room.

“Get in here.” Vince’s voice was hard and clinical as he sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at Howard. He had dark circles under his eyes, really showing off how restless his night had been as well. Howard scrambled to his feet and closed the door behind him gently, clicking the lock just in case things got too loud.

“I’m sorry.” Howard tested the waters. Vince glared at him and shook his head.

“I’m so tired, Howard.” Vince sighed. “I thought-” He watched Howard lean against the far wall as if he was a child being scolded. “I figured that as we got older we would get better at not hurting one another.” He rubbed his face. “We’ve been in counseling, we’ve tried every trick in the book. We never even got legally married, Howard. You ever thought about why?” He had his hands tucked into the pockets of one of Howard’s cardigans.

“I figured it was because you didn’t want to.” Howard shrugged sadly. “And we had the-”

“Yeah, yeah, we had the beach wedding but that was because our children wanted us to get along for fucking once.” Vince waved him off. “I just. I feel like I’ve been pinned as the bad guy, the one that causes problems, and you're the good guy. You fix things. You were the dad who was present, you were the one that only ever did things that were good for everyone else, but that wasn’t fair.” He shook his head. “You already enjoyed those things. You wanted to stay home all day, you wanted to do the laundry, and the housework. You wanted to do the school runs, and have a routine with them. You wanted to live as the stay at home dad. I didn’t.” Howard nodded.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it like that.” Howard picked at his nail beds in an attempt to avoid looking at the hurt in Vince’s face.

“I know you didn’t.” His voice sounded restrained like he was trying not to shout. “It fucking sucks Howard. You have no idea what it’s like to be seen as the ‘bad parent’ by your entire family. Even the kids felt that way, and I hate to say it, but that’s partially because of you .” He shook his head slowly. “I know you don’t think that was the case, but it is .” Howard nodded slowly. “It’s normal for at least one parent to have a job and be out of the house. I know I was out for long gaps, and I’ve come to terms with that, but you holding that over my head and undermining my decisions without even asking why I chose those things made an impression on our children painting me as a bad dad.” Vince sighed.

“Vince, I know that we’ve both made mistakes but that’s-” Howard was cut off.

“No! Howard, I’ve made mistakes. That’s how you feel, right? Anything you’ve done is justified because of everything you feel you’ve sacrificed for the kids. Even though everything you do for the kids is exactly what you were planning on doing. Tell me when I’ve gone wrong.” He raised his eyebrows. Howard simply shook his head. “So, when I am being forced into an environment that drives me insane and I take my incredibly limited reprieve , I’m labeled to be insensitive.” He sighed. “The kids are more than allowed to be upset with me, I’ve worked it out with them. But you ,” He rubbed his eyes and groaned, “Everytime you look at me I can see in your face how much you resent me, how much my very presence reminds you of how much I was gone even though it was against my will.”

“Vince, you know that isn’t-”

“Howard, you know the exact amount of time I was gone, down to the day .” He watched Howard look back down at his feet.

“The reason I know that number is because I-”

“Because you missed me, because you couldn’t wait for me to come home, because because because. Howard, you're holding it against me. You always have.” Vince frowned. “I have never done that to you! And you did some pretty fucked things to me.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“I know.” Howard felt that embarrassment rising again.

“Do you remember why we broke up the first time?” He asked softly. “We were together for about a month at the zoo before you ruined it.” Howard nodded slowly. “You used to tell me back then that I was everything you could’ve ever wanted, then you went and fucked Mrs. Gideon. It was an opportunity you just couldn’t resist .” He scowled. “But I forgave you . I even gave you a second chance after a while. After you sold me off for a bloody map to take photos of yetis. After you abandoned me on a deserted island. After you-” Vince’s voice wobbled for a second before he cleared his throat. “After you fucked our surrogate and got her pregnant. I forgave you . I let those things go. I never let it impact our relationship again, all the while you held my job over my head.” Vince sighed. “I’m so tired, Howard. I’m tired of fighting. Fighting you , specifically.”

“Why does this feel like you’re breaking up with me?” Howard’s guts dropped out of his stomach as he asked that question, already knowing the answer.

“Because I am.”