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At first, it was complete and total darkness.
The Mangekyou Sharingan had failed.
Well, some say it didn’t fail - the fact of the matter is that it didn’t do what it was intended to do. Pain was still standing after everything that had happened, that evil smirk across his face. There was nothing to fear until the chains failed to hold the man, until the Lightning Blade proved to do anything except stop him. After all that Kakashi Hatake did, after surviving battles with the most dangerous people on the planet, a nail is what did him in.
At first, it was complete and total darkness.
Then there was a warm and soothing light, Kakashi saw. He had no memory of opening his eyes, let alone disengaging from the fight in the first place. The moment he realized what he was looking at, however, he knew that he was no longer living. The man sitting on the stone before him, his father, stared at the campfire in front of him and looked back at Kakashi. The smallest indication of a smile laid on his face. I always thought that smirk was annoying.
Kakashi remembers every single word that was spoken during the short time that he had with his father. Even if the memory goes a bit hazy when he thinks too hard, Kakashi is still sure that what he experienced was real.
“Is that you, Kakashi?”
Those were the first words that had been burned into the ninja’s mind. His fathers voice rang through his head a million times over as he struggled to comprehend what was going on. The faint pounding in his head combined with his hair (that was normally tucked behind his headband, but somehow it had gone missing during battle) tickling his face was beginning to bother him. He wanted to scream, run away, and start crying all in one moment - but instead, he silently walked toward the fire and took a seat.
“Now that we’re both here,” The White Fang had said, “will you tell me your tale?”
It was hard telling his father everything that had happened. He tried to tell him about Obito, about Rin , but failed to do more than summarize. In his mind, he was screaming at himself for not doing them justice. He needed to move on, he told himself, but they didn’t die for nothing. Not to be told about so passingly.
It was easier to tell his father about Naruto. About Sakura and Sasuke, his three little ninja that he practically raised. They were everything to him, whether Kakashi wanted to admit it or not, and it surely wasn’t something that he felt could be left out. Kakashi told Sakumo, the Great White Fang, all about the adventures that him and his students went on. About Sasuke’s absence. About Naruto’s determination. About Sakura’s power to change the world. I remember the face Kakashi made when he told me about his students - it was something I never want to forget.
“Who would have thought that you and I would both die so young?”
It was an offhand comment that Kakashi’s father had made, mostly to fill in the silence. It sparked a question for Kakashi, though, and stirred a feeling inside. One of contempt, but with a curious flame far too bright to burn out. Kakashi needed to know why Sakumo chose his allies over the mission. That decision changed both their lives forever and, in turn, changed the world. A world where I would have probably had more screen-time, I’ll admit, but one that lacked a lot of important people.
The pain that both Kakashi and Sakumo went through was horrible. That’s a given. Nobody could ever discredit that or say that it was deserved in any way - but it’s undeniable that it made Kakashi the ninja he came to be. Without the death of his father, there was not that burning flame of passion. Kakashi would have never understood the importance of alliship and what it truly means to be a shinobi. There wouldn’t have been the countless sleepless nights where Kakashi throwed shuriken and kunai at the trees instead of himself. There would not have been the moments that lead up to the warm feeling inside him after seeing Team Seven for the first time - when he saw his three new students, what else would have given him that painfully warm feeling? How would Kakashi have seen himself in the three if he did not have his life to reflect on? Kakashi would not be Kakashi.
In the end, Kakashi made up his own mind.
“You made me so bitter,” he said. The words were laced with a drop of poison, unintended, and he winced at himself with guilt. “but you know, father? Now I realize that you did what you thought was right.”
He glanced up to the top of the flames and watched them dance along. Inside of him, something had changed. With the single conversation that he had just had with his father, where he was forced to reflect on everything that happened in his life, Kakashi no longer felt angry. He didn’t want to throw shuriken at trees anymore to relieve the anger. He no longer had the desire to resent his father. Instead, he felt a familiar feeling that he only ever felt after seeing his students succeed.
“I’m proud of you for it.”
It was in that moment where I was finally brought peace. Kakashi’s father had felt the feeling I had felt before - he was free. The weight was lifted off his shoulder and there was a sudden gravitation into the emptiness across the fire.
Then, a bright teal light shot out of the darkness and enveloped Kakashi. Watching from the distance, I felt the most painful form of joy that a person can feel. This had all been a mistake, Kakashi came to realize, and he was being called back into the universe. There was more he had to do out there - more people he needed to save.
“It was just too soon for you to have come here,” his father said. Kakashi looked into his eyes for the last time and felt tears well up inside, but didn’t dare blink. He did not want to miss a single second of his father.
“I’m grateful we had time to talk, and I’m thankful for your forgiveness. At long last, I can move on in peace.”
For only a second longer, Kakashi felt himself reach out, but he instead watched his hand disappear into a sparkling shine of light. And as soon as he was in the emptiness, he was out of it.
“And finally see your mother.”
Only a few moments after Kakashi had disappeared, Sakumo stood up. The fire was dying now and he gracefully stepped over it, the trail of smoke following him as he walked toward me. Tears formed in my eyes as decades of waiting had finally come to an end. Sakumo was here now, coming toward me. The invisible wall was suddenly gone and I watched as he crossed the border into the empty. His eyes scanned the nothingness for a second before landing on me, and I swear I had never felt happier.
When Kakashi had woken up, as he later had told me, he felt the same feeling that me and my husband had felt. There was no longer this feeling of an invisible barricade blocking him from the rest of his life - he was free to move on, to be at rest. Even if he was living at the time, Kakashi felt like he was finally allowed to be free in the same way that his father and I could.
I am writing this now, my dears, because I wanted to write everything down before I had taken the final step - before I had returned myself to the universe. Many of my friends and family have passed on already, but I wanted to leave something for the people who had changed my son for the better. Sakumo says I should include something from his life, but he doesn't feel like writing down anything himself. I’ve never been one to do his work, so I suppose his legacy will only live on through the living. Kakashi says that I’ve said enough for him and that I should leave my own story. I don’t think I need to leave much.
I remember meeting Sakumo and thinking that he was the worst guy in my class. I hated the way he smiled at me and inched his desk closer to mine every day. I wanted to slap him for offering to walk me home after school. Really, though, I hated him because I was in love with him. I only thought he was the worst because I was scared of being loved, even at an age like that. I realized I loved him eventually, clearly, and the rest is history. I never got to spend much time with my son. I wish I had more time, but everyone says that before they leave for good. I wish I had more time to love Sakumo, to love Kakashi, when we were alive. I wanted to have another child, two even. I remember laying in the grass with Sakumo just a few days after finding out I was pregnant - he smiled and carried me everywhere during my entire pregnancy, always saying that a pregnant woman should never have to walk. God, that made me so embarrassed. But I loved him then, and I still love him now. Anyway, we were laying in the grass together and we picked out names for all of our future children. It sounds sappy and unlike Sakumo, but it’s true - he loved children so much. He always talked about a future full of kids. Hah.
That’s my story. Well, it’s a part of it. Despite my lack of screen-time, I’m a very deep person and I have a lot of history. But that doesn’t matter anymore, I think, because it’s time for me to cross over. My husband and Kakashi won’t be following me for quite some time, as they both want to wait for you all to get here. I’ve been here for far too long, though, and I can feel myself slowly withering away. It’s okay. I’ve spent a long time here alone in the emptiness, but I was given an even longer time with my boys. We’ve had our fun.
To whoever is reading this, I want to thank you. Thank you for being with my son and giving him the life he had. I wish I could have met you, but I think I’m far beyond my time here. Perhaps the universe will toss our atoms back into the same village the next time around.
Please take care of my boys.
Thank you.