Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Every morning, Donghae’s day began with these two tasks. First, he drew the curtains and then, collected the mail. The mail was flooded as usual. He flipped through the pile of letters as he walked back into the house. Bills, bills and more bills. He dropped the pile on the dining table and went to the kitchen to make himself a cup of espresso. 

The new coffee maker was a delight. All Donghae had to do was drop in a pod, press a button and it was ready within 2 minutes. Meantime, he checked himself out in the white cabinet above that reflected a mildly distorted version of him. His fingers glided across his jaw examining the light stubble that had emerged as a result of not shaving for a couple days. He made a mental note to shave when he showered.

With a steaming cup of double shot espresso, Donghae returned to the living room and gently pulled out a chair to sit. He grabbed a wooden coaster from the rack and placed his cup on it. He enjoyed the tranquillity of mornings. Especially weekend mornings that were devoid of honking cars, bustling humanity and barking dogs. 

Donghae collected the letters scattered on the table and discovered something wrapped in a brown paper package underneath. He pushed the letters away, clearing the table to empty the contents of the package. 

Rolls of yellowed paper fell out. They looked like they were torn from a diary and stapled together. The date on the top right corner of the first page read 12 August 2008.

14 years ago. 

Donghae flipped through the pages. The handwriting was impeccable, like the person had all the time in the world to write. But there was no name, no address, nothing. Donghae wondered if someone had accidentally put it in his mailbox. The papers smelled foul, a stench so strong, he couldn’t help gag. It fed his curiosity. Why did someone leave scrolls of paper that smelled like dead rats, in his mailbox?

He unfurled the first roll and started reading hoping to figure out who these belonged to.

12 August 2008

Today Uncle Taeyoung and Aunt Yoojin got me to see a psychiatrist. She said I might be developing ASPD. Anti Social something. I forgot. It's a nice way of saying psychopath. 

Donghae paused, his feet tingling uneasily. He examined the pages looking for a name but there was nothing. There were a few names here and there but of others in the life of this writer, nowhere had they mentioned their name, which wasn't particularly unusual considering it was their personal diary. 

It took two lines to get him hooked and he resumed reading.

She said I cannot be diagnosed until I am 18. Like I’m coming back here in eight years. I heard her telling my uncle and aunt that it might be because I grew up in a “harsh” environment. The two druggies who gave birth to me were good for nothing little shits who lived in a minivan stolen from an industrial area in Ulsan. They gave me on rent to men and used the money they got to buy fuel and more drugs. Last year I taught them an important lesson. Never keep the gas tank and a lighter within the reach of someone who can and will kill you. I burnt the side of my hand while setting the minivan on fire and it hurt like shit but then I heard them screaming for help as they burnt like a candle and that was the happiest day of my life. But I lost my diary. That was sad. But Aunt Eugene got me a new diary today. And this is the first entry. I am H. 

My uncle and aunt are good people. I don’t know why they took me in. Not like they don’t have enough mouths to feed already. They have two sons, my cousins, Yunho and Changmin. Last week I was put in their school. It was my first and last day there. 

The boy sitting next to me started it. He kept banging the desk and singing loudly since the break started. I tried ignoring him for seven whole minutes even when I hate loud noises. Then I asked him to stop but he didn’t listen. So I pulled out a thumb tack from the notice board in the hallway and slid it under his palm, pointy side up. It went through the thin flesh between his ring and middle finger. 

That was a bad move. He stopped banging the desk but started crying. Only I know how I survived that. He wasn't even that hurt. I have been hurt with worse things. I don’t remember much about what happened next I don’t know, I zoned out I think. I remember on the way back uncle and aunt did not scold me which was very unusual. I thought they were going to take me home and beat the shit out of me but that didn’t happen either. All they did was ask me to stay at home for three days. They called it punishment but I don’t see how. Then they put me into a public school. 

Today I slapped the maths teacher’s hand away when he tried to touch me. I hate it when someone touches me. Why do you need to touch someone to talk to them? I could hear him fine without him keeping his dirty hand on my back. Fuck. 

They called aunt Yoojin again and then uncle and aunt decided that I need to see a doctor. I have to be careful how I behave now. If I don’t control myself, aunt and uncle will put me in a mental hospital. I cannot lose my freedom again.

CONTROL. 

YOURSELF.

H signing out.

That was the end of the first page. From the next page onwards, the handwriting became clearer and the handwriting was more defined. The smudged ink throughout the first entry, made it clear that it was written by someone who wasn't used to writing with a pen. 

Donghae knew three things about the boy now, he was around 10 back then so now he must be around 23-24 now. Second, he was abused by his parents and third his name started with an H. 

He moved on to the next entry that was seven years later.

13/7/15

Just a year and half and I would’ve been done with school. But no. Something always has to mess up. Now we’re moving to another part of the city for whatever reason. It took me an eternity to make somewhat close to friends in school and now they want to throw me into a bunch of strangers AGAIN. I fucking hate it here

I HATE THESE PEOPLE

H signing out.

20/7/15

We don’t even live in the city anymore. Taeyoung is retarded. Why the fuck would he leave the city and move to the suburbs. “We like the quiet countryside,” says Yoojin. No you liar, you had to move here because you couldn’t afford the rent anymore. She dropped her job and they’re sending Yunho and Changmin to college so guess who has to suffer now? Me. What the fuck have I done to be in such a horrible place. 

They’re giving me a room for myself here. Guess I’ll let this one pass for now.

H signing out.

21/7/15

What the FUCK. Yunho and Changmin are allowed to lock their rooms but I am not. They are still not over the time I got caught sneaking out. Despite apologising so many times, they don’t trust me. 

H signing out.

22/7/15

I stole money from Yoojin's purse and got myself a cheap second hand laptop as revenge. It’s hidden in the loft above the bathroom. Just because I let adults abuse me earlier doesn’t mean I’ll always let it pass. Who the fuck do they think they are to stop me from locking my door. I never believed it when they said they love me like their sons. No they don’t and I am not a kid who needs love. I don’t need them. I never needed them. What I need is a place to stay, free food and a degree so I can get out of this pigeon hole. 

I have stolen money every time one of them scolded me and then continued to work on my mistakes so they don’t think I did it. They have to be really stupid to not notice the pattern here. I don’t know what I’ll do if they come to know I did it. I’ll just play dumb i guess. I am really good at making a sad pitiful face.

H signing out.

24/10/15

People in this school are ugly. At least in my previous school there were pretty people to look at. Even the prettiest of the lot is subpar. It isn’t that hard to determine what rank a person stands in their so-called friends group and it's the same in girls and guys. 

There is the “Alpha” who everyone think is charming as fuck. They take good advantage of their pretty face. Thanks to their pretty face, they never bothered to notice that they lack a brain. Large brainless egos are the most fun to break. 

Then there is the “Beta” who is nothing but a sack of low self esteem. They hold on to the alphas like their life depends on that friendship. It probably does too. The only reason the Alpha has kept the Beta is so they can gang up on others. Bigger the gang, better bullying. Most people are betas.

And then there’s my most favourite group of people. I like to call them the “Hyena”. These are the brains of the group and they’re good at egging on the Alpha. They could’ve been an Alpha if it wasn't for their ugly face. Hyenas know what they’re getting themselves into and they never ever get their hands dirty. 

H signing out.

29/10/15

So today I found someone who could help me with history. The loner will be happy to know that someone wants to befriend her. Her name is. I forgot. That’s not important anyway. 

H signing out.

1/11/15

At lunch today, I followed this history girl to the terrace and like a normal person I thought she went up for a smoke so I carried my lighter. How did I forget what a pussy she is? She went up to get bullied. I didn’t have anything else to do so I stayed to watch.  

A group of girls surrounded her and she was lying on the ground soaked in banana milk i guess? Let’s call her A. A was spitting some garbled words that sounded like she was begging them to stop. Minji, the alpha of the group, roughly seized her jaw. “This is what you get for messing with me,” she said. 

Cliché. 

My guess, A did something with her boyfriend. What else would a girl like her get mad about? Everyday Minji came in wearing the shortest skirt and tightest shirt to look like some kind of trophy for the guy and then an ordinary chic stole him. Minji should really take down a notch on the “I have big boobs” thing.  Nobody cares.

One of her betas handed her a pair of scissors and Minji chopped off a chunk of A’s hair on one side. She threw the tangles at her face. I don’t know if it was the banana milk or tears that made her face so wet that her hair stuck. They were all over her uniform and hands and legs. She looked like a shower drain.

That was my chance to swoop in and rescue her so she would be grateful and help me with history. I kicked the door and it swung all the way back slamming against the wall. It startled the puny girls. 

“Get out” Minji barked. 

I ignored her and walked over to A, stepping into a puddle of milk.

“Come, let’s go,” I said, offering her my hand. She glanced at the girls around her as if waiting for their approval. 

“Get up” I repeated, trying to not sound too impatient. She slowly extended her trembling hand and I quickly caught it, pulling her to her feet. 

Minji seized a handful of my hair with her bony fingers and tugged at it. I stumbled but didn’t fall. 

“She’s not going anywhere”  she whispered into my ear and yanked my hair further away. I could easily overpower her but that would’ve resulted in a horrible fight and I didn’t want the teachers or any adult to get involved. 

I always carry a pen in my pocket. It’s the most inconspicuous weapon. 

I shoved it in the hollow part right under her jaw. 

She instantly let go of me and fell down groaning and coughing, clutching her throat. Her pawns were all flustered. They tried to comfort her and rub her back. 

“Next time it’ll be your eyes I poke out” I said. 

A stayed by me for the rest of the day. She asked me why I saved her.

“Because you’re a sweet girl. I like you” I replied with a soft smile. She believed me. What an idiot. I won’t fail history now but I can’t sleep anymore. I won’t be able to sleep until I’m equal with Minji. Even if it was for ten seconds, she had me by my hair and she won't get away with that. 

H signing out.

2/11/15

I shaved all my hair last night. I chopped it off with scissors and then used Yunho’s razor to clean the rest. No hair, no vulnerability.

Yoojin doesn’t like it though. She almost started crying thinking someone made me do that. How has she still not realised that I don’t give in to shit so easily. She thinks I am a fragile little boy. This could actually prove useful someday. So I sat down next to her, patting her back gently. 

“Don’t worry, nobody forced me to do it”

“You know you can tell me if anything’s bothering you” she said, taking my hand in hers. I vomited a little in my mouth. Why can’t she talk without touching me! 

I tried to ignore the feeling of her clammy hands and curled my fingers around the side of her hand. “Yes, I know. I just wanted to do a little experimentation” I smiled and she smiled back. I retreated my hand quickly and went back to my room. One more second and I would’ve thrown up. I’ll never get used to how touchy these guys are. 

Yunho and Changmin are off to college now so it's only me and Yoojin most of the day. Taeyoung comes home late and leaves after I leave for school so I haven’t seen him for days. Being alone is getting to Yoojin. That's why she’s acting so kind to me. She misses being loved and needed. I’ve heard the couple argue at night and I have a hunch that it’s related to his incapability in bed.  

I wonder what’ll happen if I compensate for him. I’ll give it a shot tonight.

H signing out.

Chapter Text

3/11/15

Last night, I kept a closer watch on Yoojin and I was right. Their sex life is a mess. Because all he does is come home and sleep. Every night after he goes to bed, Yoojin watches reruns of some scrappy soap opera. She keeps the volume high, either to wake her husband or to cry without being heard. 

Night time is particularly vulnerable and women like her thrive to be wanted and loved and cared for. So I quietly approached her from behind and put my hands on her shoulders. “Do you want to talk?”

Startled, she whipped her head around and immediately wiped her eyes when she realised it was me. “It’s late, you should go to bed. Don’t you have school tomorrow” 

“How can I sleep when my aunt is sad?” 

 She was deeply touched. The only light in the living room was from the tv and it illuminated her tear-stained face. Relief swept over knowing someone was interested in her sad life. 

She forced a smile and placed her hand on mine. “I am okay. Don’t worry about me”

I shook my head and walked around the couch, sitting down next to her. “I am here for you”

She wiped her eyes, continuing to smile. She looked overwhelmed since this was the first time I had said something like that, but she seemed to like it. 

“I know it’s hard but I’ll always be here if you need someone. You can trust me” I said, running a finger down her warm face and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. 

And there it was. 

Head hung low, she fell forward into my arms, crying and sobbing. “I’m so frustrated. I-I don’t know what to do” She spluttered. “There’s no one I can talk to here. I feel so lonely…”

She continued to talk but I don’t remember. I didn’t hear it over the sound of the tv. I made sure to stroke her back and hum in response after every pause she took. My gaze followed the second hand of the clock that hung from the wall ahead. That was my futile attempt at ignoring how uncomfortable I was, wedged between Yoojin and the armrest of the couch.

She finally sat back up, scooting closer. “I am so sorry you had to hear all this” She cupped my face with both hands. “And thank you… I feel better”  

It was suffocating how her hands were all over my face but I focused on breathing. She said something but her words were drowned out by the voice in my head counting my breaths. After a few deep breaths, I was fine.

“As long as I am here I won’t let you feel lonely” I said and shot forward, crashing my lips on hers.

I could feel her turn rigid. Her lips were chapped and dry and tasted like the potato pancakes we had for dinner. 

I held her neck for support and pressed my lips further, when she pushed me away. 

“Wh-what are you doing” 

I didn’t have to answer because she did.

“This is not right….” she said, sliding away from me. “Go to your room!”

She thought raising her voice would scare me and I let her believe it did. I came back to my room.

I was lying in bed wide awake, thinking, when I heard feeble noises from the living room downstairs. It was almost inaudible. I had to listen really hard to make out where it was coming from.

I peeked out of the door into the pitch blackness and slowly stepped out. The sound was relatively louder now. I climbed down the stairs in its direction and halfway down, I saw Yoojin. 

She was on her knees, her nightgown was pulled up right under the swell of her ass, with a plump cushion between her legs. Her hips thrusted back and forth, one hand gripping the couch and the other between her legs. 

She made all those lewd wet noises, letting out a moan with each breath. 

All of a sudden, my boxers felt tight and restraining. My dick throbbed in anticipation. 

I crouched with one leg on the lower step and peeked through the balustrade. Her back was facing me and I was glad it did when she bent down on all fours, pulling the gown further up, revealing her ass. She grinded on a corner of the cushion, like a humping dog. It was faster this time, so much that I could hear her panties rub against the fabric of the cushion. She was about to orgasm. It went on for a good five minutes before her hips spasmed and she dropped to the floor. 

I am never touching that remote and cushion again.

H signing out.

6/11/15

Yoojin’s been straight up ignoring me for the past three days. I have thought of another way to get to her this time and for that I have invited Seulgi. She has latched onto me like a leech since I saved her from Minji last week. I asked her to come over today. Yoojin goes for her evening stroll at about 5 and returns somewhere between an hour to 90 minutes. She won’t ring the bell in order to avoid interaction with me. If I time everything correctly, I’ll be doing the old hag tonight. Then I’ll be free to lock my room, go out when I want, come back when I want. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Nobody can stop me.

H signing out.

7/11/15

Sex is fun. My plan worked. At 5:45 pm, Seulgi reached my place. We were sitting in the living room, studying history. She was the right choice for a tutor. I’ll get an A for sure. She asked me if anyone else was at home and when I said no, she started getting handsy, touching my hand, thigh, shoulder and back for absolutely no reason. Good for me, things were going as I planned. I had kept the window open so I could hear when Yoojin pushed open the squeaky iron gates at the entrance of our house.

At 6:12 pm she came in through the gates. 

“I have been wanting to ask you something,” I said, cutting Seulgi off. My hand slithered over hers and I started rubbing slow circles on the back of her hand. 

“What?” 

“You really make my day…... I like spending time with you”

“Me too” she said, her lips thinning into a smile.

“I was hoping we could take this further” 

I was running low on time. I kept glancing over her shoulder, waiting to hear the keys jingle outside.

Seulgi shied away, covering her mouth with her hand. “Um….”

The keys. I heard the keys. 

I pulled her hand down and dived in for a kiss. I put all my weight forward, pushing her down on the couch. One leg on the floor and the other one sinking into the couch, I struggled to balance myself. I put my elbow on the armrest next to her face to steady myself. She was a good kisser, moaning into my mouth when my fingers closed in on her throat. I regretted it when Yoojin entered and spoiled the fun. It was a part of the plan but had I known Seulgi was so good, I would’ve called her over long ago. 

Yoojin called out my name from the passage at the entrance. I purposely tumbled off and scrambled to my feet so she would think she caught me off guard. Seulgi fixed her clothes and hair as fast as she could. Yoojin stared at us contemptuously for a few seconds before stomping away to the kitchen. 

“I-I think I should go,” Seulgi said. 

I nodded.

She swiped the pens and pencils that were scattered on the table, into her bag and stuffed the books. I could hardly hide my laughter when I saw her sweating in embarrassment. 

So part 1 of my plan was successful. Now it was time for part 2 and everything depended on part 2. 

I ran upstairs to my room and brought out an onion, that I had flicked from the pantry, from the loft. I cut into half using the knife that I also flicked from the kitchen. I dragged the onion along the waterline and inner corner of my eyes. That was the fastest way to make tears fall.

I thought. 

It only got my eyes burning without a trace of proper tears. I stood before the mirror blinking and shaking my head hoping for at least a single drop to roll down. When nothing happened, I kept my eyes open, staring at my watery eyes as long as it took for the tears to fall. A few seconds in, my eyes started to itch and tense on the inside but I did not blink. I stared right into the inky blackness of my pupils. 

A few seconds later, there was a pounding on the inside of my eyelids and it only kept growing and growing until I couldn’t hold it and clenched my eyes shut. 

A warm droplet rolled down my cheek. 

Fuck yes. 

I slowly twisted the knob of my bedroom door and opened the door a crack to see if Yoojin was around. Her bedroom was opposite mine; it was empty. She was still in the kitchen. I tiptoed down the stairs, careful not to make a single floorboard creak. The kitchen doorway was only a few feet from the bottom of the stairs. 

I stood against the wall next to the entrance and peered inside.

Yoojin was chopping up fruits to make herself a smoothie. She was wearing snug black leggings that rode up the crack of her ass and outlined her panties. Paired with it was a neon green t-shirt tucked in at the back. 

I purposely dragged my feet as I entered the kitchen, to make my presence known. She turned her head to the side a little before taking a handful of blueberries and slamming it down on the chopping board. She then did the same with strawberries. It was clear that she was angry because I kissed someone else. 

I leaned against the counter a few feet away and quickly took a look at my reflection in the marble cabinet above. My teary eyes were doing their job well. 

“I am sorry” I said in a low quivering voice. 

“For what?” She asked drily.

“I shouldn’t have done that….” I waited for a response but it was like she hadn’t even heard me. “I can’t stop thinking about you” 

Yoojin glanced at me. FINALLY. 

“....are you crying?”

I sniffed, pretending to wipe my eyes before I breathed out a faint no.

“Don’t lie” she said, putting the knife down and giving me her full attention. “What’s the matter?”

I shook my head, sniffing again and again. I wanted her to beg me to talk. 

She stared at me for a couple seconds before extending her fingers to hook with mine. “You can always talk to me…”

I clutched her fingers and pulled her close. “I want you, don’t you understand?” The firmness in my tone made her flinch as she nearly crashed into me. She placed a hand on my chest to create some distance between us. It was close enough for her to look up to talk to me. Her gaze shuffled rapidly, trying to figure out my next move.

“I try to not think about you but I can’t help it” I said, closing the distance between our faces. “I love you”

Her eyes widened like she snapped out of a daze and hastily pulled away. 

“Don’t be ridiculous!” she said, fumbling with her knife. She picked up the chopping board and poured the content into the blender. 

“I am serious. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way” 

I remembered this dialogue from a movie Yoojin was watching last night after her husband went to bed. 

“I’ll leave right now if you ask me to…..” I took a few steps towards her. “but if you don’t….”

I let her complete my sentence in her head, let her interpretation run wild.

She paused for a brief moment, hand firmly on the lid of the blender and looked ahead contemplatively. 

“Should I leave?” 

I crept closer, strongly wishing she doesn’t say yes. I rounded up behind her and whispered. “I saw what you did the night we kissed” 

My hand snaked across her waist, fingers splayed out to feel every her body shudder under my touch. I lined the other hand with hers that was on the blender, curling my fingers in the crook of her fingers. 

“Did you think of me?” I whispered and planted an open kiss below her ear, sliding my tongue up to her earlobe. That’s all I needed to say and she came undone. I knew she was thinking of me when she fucked herself on that pillow.

Her breathing picked up pace as she leaned back on my chest and guided my hand down up her shirt. 

It was fun fucking on kitchen counter. It is exciting when someone screams my name in pain. Every time she did, I pounded faster until she could no longer get my name out of her throat. 

H signing out.

9/11/15

I am bored of Yoojin. Yesterday after we fucked in her bedroom, she tried to cuddle with me. She hugged me and put her heavy head on my chest, I could hardly breathe. We were hot and sweaty under the sheets. This is not what I intended to happen. I was expecting thrilling sex. Like while her husband is at home and we’re fucking in their bathroom. Not hugs and kisses like some wretched teenagers. The only reason I tolerate this is because Yoojin has stopped bothering me with all the “come home early” “don’t go out so late” “don’t lock your door” nonsense. She even removed the bolts they had put on my window so I wouldn’t sneak out. These people treat me like an animal and I will never forgive them for that.

I’ve been observing Minji a lot these days. That’s all I do at school. Thanks to her boisterous presence and the need for the whole world to know how happening her life is, I know a fair bit about her whereabouts now. 

Last night I rode Changmin’s cycle to Minji’s house, the address of which I got from Seulgi. Oh she’s become quite annoying lately. She’s the first person to talk to me every morning and the last to leave me. She comes to class with that bright smiling face. It makes me want to vomit. She buys me snacks or coffee from the canteen too, so we can study a little more while I eat. The only time I find her interesting is when she’s teaching me history and when she’s sucking me off in the stall of a girls washroom. Yoojin does it better, no doubt. But Seulgi is a better sight when naked. Other times when she holds my hand or randomly kisses me, I feel like shoving her into a wall or something. She calls me a good listener because she thinks I’m paying attention when she talks about her life or interests. I couldn’t care less. I’m just trying not to zone out but I try so hard I end up zoning out. So I have programmed myself to hum everytime she pauses. And she thinks I am listening to her. 

Coming back to Minji. I am friends with her on Snapchat from a fake account I created sometime ago. All my social media accounts are fake. It’s only to keep an eye on the people I want to know about. 

A few days ago, Minji put a story of herself in her backyard and I found something very useful in it. Behind her, near the entrance of the house, her dad was shoving a bottle into the ground. The bottle’s head looked like a rock. And that’s how I came to know where they kept their spare key. Fucking idiots.

So now I have the key to Minji’s house and the knowledge of her whereabouts. 

There are a million things I can do to her.

H signing out.

13/11/15

Yoojin was only boring after sex but now she’s boring me during sex too. She doesn’t let me choke her. Apply slightest pressure around her throat and she starts whimpering like a wounded dog. It’s not like I will actually choke her to death. She said she likes to ride me but she’s so damn bad at it. I struggle to even get turned on when I look at her now. She won’t even let me touch her when her husband’s at home and she always makes me use a condom. The other day I bought a pair of cuffs to spice it up and she didn’t let me cuff her. 

“It scares me,” she said. 

I was done with her and I thought, if I am going out, I’m going out with a bang. 

So I came inside her wearing a torn condom.

H signing out.

18/11/15

She keeps asking me why she felt like I came in her and I keep telling her, “That it’s all in her head. I would never do that”

At least she has stopped coming to me for sex now. 

I sneaked into Minji’s house yesterday when I saw her story with her family, taking a trip to the beach. It was easy to differentiate her room from her brothers’. Theirs didn’t have posters of pasty guys with colored hair taped to all the walls. 

I had covered my shoes with shower caps to avoid any footprints and put on the latex gloves I bought on my way and started looking for something interesting. Unfortunately, her computer was password protected. I clicked a picture of the notes stuck on her pin board. That’s all I got. I knew something like this would happen so I had gotten spycams and a voice recorder that I bought from a shady second hand electronics shop, the same place I got my laptop from. I had to give the guy extra money because he was suspicious of me. None of it was from my pocket. I borrowed it from Yoojin. 

I taped the recorder in the space behind the drawer, under the table. Then I punched a hole in the curtain of her four poster bed, near the top and positioned the spy cam behind it. I put another spy cam facing the bed. It reminded me of the snapchat story of her laying in that bed with her boyfriend. I’ll see what content I get in a week. 

H signing out.

25/11/15

Yoojin was pregnant. She woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that, like I could do anything about it at that moment. 

“So?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“What do you mean so!?” She shrieked, pulling me upright. “I am pregnant! How could you be so careless!?”

She switched on the lamp next to my bed and it was blinding. I had to squint to look at her.

“What are we going to do now???” Her voice reflected a deep dread and I didn’t understand why. 

“Get an abortion” I answered calmly. 

“Easy for you to say!” She shoved me angrily. “You’re so fucking insensitive!” She dropped down on the edge of my bed next to me, burying her head in her hands. She was crying, her sobs muffled by the palms. 

“Leave. I need to sleep”

Yoojin whipped her head to the side, looking at me with wide eyes.

“What?”

She smacked me across the face.

She had the audacity to slap me.

ME.

There were exactly two things that pissed me off at that moment. The bright as fuck lamp and Yoojin. 

So I did what had to. 

I grabbed the lampshade and swung it at her face. It struck her cheekbone loudly and she fell onto the bed holding her cheek. I couldn’t stop at that. She would’ve complained about me. 

I turned her back flat on the bed as I straddled her and bashed her head with it again. It was loud. I reached for my bedside drawer to grab a handkerchief and wrapped it around the bloodied lamp. 

Then I struck once more. Her body writhed under me, her nails weakly clawing at my thigh. 

I struck again and with a violent jerk, the remaining bits of life left her body. 

It was liberating. I haven’t felt so good in a long time. 

I thrashed her face repeatedly. Every time the lamp came in contact with her bone, it made this satisfying sound that I couldn't get enough of.

A howling dog that interrupted me and I sat down on her abdomen. I didn't want to beat her anymore. The moment had passed.

I brought out my knife from the loft in the bathroom and returned to Yoojin’s lifeless body. I pushed her shirt up, bundling it under the bra and drove the knife into her stomach. 

“That’s how easy abortion was.” I said to the dead body. “You had to give your life up just because you couldn’t understand this simple thing”

I pushed the knife inside her as much as I could. Her organs squelched at the intrusion.

I kept it there or there would be way too much blood to clean. There was already a lot of blood. There was a lot to do now. 

It was 11:47 pm and Taeyoung woke up at 7:30 in the morning.

I had about 7 hours to clean this up. 

Donghae was shocked. Somewhere while reading, he forgot it was an actual diary entry of a person and not some crime fiction novel. He put the pages down and got up to get himself a glass of water. 

As he stood in the kitchen doorway, gulping down the whole bottle, he couldn't help eye the pages. How could someone be so barbaric? 

He massaged his neck that had become stiff from looking down and reading. 

Realizing that he hadn't even brushed or put rice in the cooker, Donghae dropped the idea of reading and got to his chores. He had all day to read. Besides, he really needed to get his mind off whatever these writings were.

Chapter Text

Donghae completed all his chores by 4 in the afternoon and resumed the story.

I spent an hour removing stains from my blanket, bedsheet, pillow cover, clothes and the handkerchief. They were fresh so holding them under cold water did the job. My thick blanket was sodden but thankfully there wasn't much on my sheets and cover. Only a few splatters here and there. I had put Yoojin on the floor so she wouldn’t stain my bed anymore. She looked like a doll sitting against my wardobe with her legs stretched out. Blood dripped from the dents and swollen patches on her face. It would've been so much better if she was this quiet in general.    

After washing, I squeezed the sheets and clothes to drain as much water as possible and stuffed everything into a bucket, kicking it to a corner. Then I dragged Yoojin into the bathroom and put her in a corner under the shower area. As soon as I pulled the knife out, blood gushed out. It was dark and stinking. I let blood drain form her body so it would be lighter.  

Note to self : Humans have a lot of blood. Don’t try draining it again.

Also, dead bodies are heavier than I thought.

I carried the bucket of clothes down to the laundry room and tossed the pillow cover, bedsheet and handkerchief into the dryer first. That would take 45 minutes. I put a timer on my phone and returned to my room with bleach and a mop.

I donned my latex gloves, shower caps on my feet and thoroughly scrubbed the bedroom and bathroom floor with bleach. I cleaned every nook and cranny, even the corners where blood hadn't reached . I opened the window to let out the stench of chlorine and continued to wipe every single item in my room. The chair, the bed frame, the window pane, the closet, the doors, the lamp, the drawers and the knife. 

By the time I finished, the first cycle of the dryer was complete so I put my clothes in for an hour. They had to be dry like normal clothes. 

Meanwhile, I let the tap run in my bathroom to drain the pool of blood that had accumulated. 

I put Yoojin’s head against the wall and lifted her hips up, locking her legs against the opposite wall. She was in the downward dog position. I thought it would help the blood to drain faster. I did it to avoid blood staining the floor when I dragged her around the house.

Then I scrubbed my whole room once again, laying special emphasis on the lamp, the knife and the floor. I wore minimum clothing in case some blood got on it and I had to discard it. It was cold as fuck. I couldn’t shut the window or the smell of bleach would kill me. I used my lighter to warm my palms and feet when they were freezing to the point of numbness. 

I enjoyed it though. The possibility of getting caught made it so much more fun. I had to navigate through the house and my room using only the flashlight of my phone. I didn’t know whether or not Taeyoung was a light sleeper. In case he had caught me, I would’ve had to kill him too. Lucky for him, he slept through the night.

It was about 4 in the morning when I put the last cycle of the dryer, the blanket. 

On returning to my room, I hooked my hands under Yoojin’s armpits and lifted her, dropping her into a bucket. Her limbs and head stuck out like leaves in a flower pot. 

I rinsed the shower area with bleach and detergent and then also scrubbed the toilet and the sink to be sure. My arms and back hurt now, from all the squatting and scrubbing. 

Now comes the most exciting part of the night. Taking Yoojin to the kitchen. The hours I spent scrubbing every corner of my room, helped me come up with a wonderful idea. The most perfect crime. 

I dragged the bucket from its handle, onto the mat outside the bathroom. Never drag buckets across wooden floor unless you want everyone to wake up. It’s noisy as fuck.

It took a lot of strength to pull the mat upto my bedroom door. Another five minutes and a lot of panting to reach the stairs. There comes the tricky part. How did I take this dead weight down? With a lot of effort. I think it took about 20 minutes. 

I collected some old laundry from the laundry room, a trench coat and a pair of tan corduroy pants. It had to be something that wouldn't tear or get untied easily. I fastened one end of the coat on the handle of the bucket and the other on the thick wooden railing. Same with the trousers. The bucket hung from the railing and it could easily slide down. But there was one problem. The bottom of the bucket started bending under Yoojin's weight, so I had to support it from underneath as it slid down. 

Once we reached down without making a sound, I threw the pants and coat in the bucket, over Yoojin and dragged it into the kitchen. 

I emptied cooking oil all over her. The bucket, the clothes and the body were soaked but that didn’t seem enough. I searched the pantry and emptied all the oils I found. I also splashed some on the walls, cabinets, counters and drawers. Next, I turned the stove knob on high and closed the kitchen door. Time to let the pressure build while I put other things in place.

All the clothes were dry now. I ripped each one up a little. A minute tear in some and a huge hole in others. I rolled it up and put it in a recycling drive can across the street. The kids in my neighbourhood were collecting old worn out clothes to upcycle. I gave them a little gift.

I lit a eucalyptus candle in my room to remove the smell of bleach and lay in bed for a while. The scent was so relaxing, I am going to buy more of these. Maybe try tea tree next time? I’ve read that essential oils help a lot with sleep. I need it. I can't sleep for most nights. I think I might be an insomniac.  

Note to self :  Don't ever kill someone in the middle of the night without a plan. It's exciting but you could've been caught.

Another note to self : Scratch that. I am fucking genius. 

At 6:30, it was still quite dark outside. I didn’t sleep all night and now I couldn’t even get coffee since the kitchen was brewing in gas. 

The time had come. 

I removed my gloves, the shower caps from my feet and opened the kitchen door just a crack to throw them in. I could feel the air thickened with potentially harmful gases. This is fun. Science is useful. 

I went outside to the garage where Taeyoung’s car was parked along with other pieces of junk stacked in the corner. I found the crowbar that I had spotted long ago when I was furious about having to move here. I almost destroyed his car back then. It was saved because they gave me a room of my own.

I held the crowbar with a dirty rag, careful not to touch it anywhere and flung it with the whole swing of my body, on the windshield. It set off the sirens. The headlights blinked violently like it was the car itself screaming. I slammed the bonnet hard, striking it a couple more times until it wrinkled and dented. I dropped the crowbar and ran to the other side of the house to the window of the kitchen. I had unlocked it earlier. 

I heard Taeyoung’s loud footsteps rushing to the door that was on the opposite side. His angry cursing and shouting ensured that he was out in the garage. I opened the window an inch and tossed my ignited lighter inside. 

BOOM!

There was a huge explosion. The lower storey of the house blew up into orange and yellow clouds. It was pretty. Like fireworks. The fire spread relatively slowly outside since it was cold. It gave me enough time to move away. I remember smiling and feeling extremely satisfied with myself.

It scared the shit out of Taeyoung. He wrapped his arms around my chest, pulling me back. “Are you okay?! Did you get hurt??”

I shook my head, putting on the perfect “I don’t know what’s going on” face. My eyes were already teary due to the smoke. 

“I-I think Aunt Yoojin….” I stuttered, pointing to the burning house. “I-I think she… she”

He turned pale like he had seen a ghost. (Ghost of his dead wife hahahah)

And that is how you plan the perfect murder.

H signing out.

“I’m home!”

Donghae jumped out of his skin when he felt hands on his shoulders.

“Jeez, it’s me, calm down” Hyukjae chuckled, pinching his cheek. 

Donghae rolled his head back, feeling his heart violently throb against his chest. It was his detective boyfriend, Hyukjae. Donghae grabbed his wrists, crossing them over his shoulder. “How was your day?”

“Meh” Hyukjae shrugged. “Same old same old. What’s that?” He asked, reaching for the pages on Donghae’s lap. 

Donghae swiped them away. “It’s personal stuff” 

He knew Hyukjae wouldn’t let him read such stuff. He’d say it’s too violent. Yeah right. This is coming from a guy who works in the homicide division.

“What personal stuff?” 

“Work stuff. You never let me read the files you bring home”

“Babe, that’s because they are about disgusting murders. You work in a café”

“Don’t look down on me” 

“Aww” Hyukjae chuckled, kissing the top of his head. “Anyway, how was your day?”

“Exciting.” Donghae remarked looking at the pages in his hand. 

Hyukjae grabbed a can of soda from the mini fridge under the tv and plopped down on the couch next to Donghae. He sprang when something poked his butt. 

“Ah, shit. My gun” He removed his gun and batch from the back pocket, startling Donghae when the nozzle faced him momentarily. Once they were out of the way, Hyukjae opened his arms with a pout. 

Donghae giggled. “What?”  

“Hug”

“I thought you were a baddie who dealt with murderers”

Hyukjae frowned, his lower lip jutting out further. “This baddie needs his sunshine”

Donghae pounced on him, embracing him tightly. 

“Real bright, sunshine”

Donghae laughed, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

Hyukjae was two different people at work and at home. Donghae avoided meeting him when he was at work. He resented the side of his boyfriend that he showed at work. Of course he never told Hyukjae that. Not only him, a nervousness washed over Donghae every time he encountered any man in a cop’s uniform. He hated cops. You could say he was phobic about cops. And also darkness. Darkness suffocated him. He slept with a little light on at night. 

Hyukjae and Donghae sat facing each other, back against opposite armrests of the sofa and legs extended on each other’s laps. 

“Can I ask you something?” Donghae asked, playing with Hyukjae’s toes.

“Sure” 

“Do cops have records of all dead people?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because I want to know”

Hyukjae nodded. “Yes, if someone has reported it”

“What if someone died in a fire at home?”

“You mean, like, an accident?”

“Yes….. but it could be a murder too”

Hyukjae frowned in amusement. “What are you saying?”

“If I give you a name can you find out if that person has died or not?”

“In the police records?”

“Yes”

“Who?”

“Someone. I’ll give you the name. But will you be able to find out???”

“Maybe?”

“Yoojin. Her name is Yoojin and she died in 2015”

The diary entries had piqued Donghae’s interest. He wanted to make sure that it wasn't just someone messing with him. If it was real, he wanted to dig into it further. 

Hyukjae downed the remaining soda in one go. 

“Who is she?” 

“Someone”

Hyukjae put his legs down, sliding closer. He had a grave look, the kind he did when he was trying to see through someone, and Donghae hated it. 

“Don’t look at me like that” He said, giving his shoulder a light push. 

“Why do you want to know about Yoojin or whatever?”

This was another thing Donghae disliked about his boyfriend. He wanted to know everything.

Donghae sighed and smiled. “God, nevermind that. My bad, Mr Detective” He chuckled, ruffling his hair and took the empty soda can from his hand to throw it into the bin. He clenched his hand into a fist, crushing the can as he made his way to the kitchen. 

“It’s not like I can’t do it,” Hyukjae said after a brief silence. 

Donghae smiled shyly as he popped another pod into the coffee machine. It was his third cup of the day.

“The question is, will you do it?” 

“If you tell me why”

Donghae rolled his eyes. “Fine. This guy I work with told me a story about the ghost of a woman called Yoojin who died in a gas explosion. I just want to know if it’s true”

“Seriously?” Hyukjae looked at him incredulously.

“Yes” Donghae said, returning to his place with a cup of espresso, all the while ignoring the way Hyukjae looked at him. “See you’re doing it again. You’re looking at me like that”

“No, I mean…. it’s kinda weird”

“I told you, forget it”

Hyukjae nodded, pushing himself off the couch. 

Donghae quietly sipped his fuming coffee, his gaze following Hyukjae’s sluggish gait. Set aside all the things Donghae disliked about him, there was this one thing that made him like Hyukjae and that nullified the negative points. It was the fact that Hyukjae loved him back no matter what.

“I’ll let you know by tomorrow” Hyukjae shouted out from the bedroom.

A wide smile spread across Donghae’s face.

This is why he loved him.

Chapter Text

Next morning, Hyukjae left for work in a rather foul mood. 

Usually Donghae would be asleep when he left early in the morning but today, he was up in time to remind Hyukjae that he had to find Yoojin’s case for him. 

Not once or twice, Donghae brought it up about seven times in two hours, making Hyukjae super irritated. He didn’t say anything though. Hyukjae never did. He always held himself back from saying something mean to Donghae.

He collected his belongings and stormed out of the house in an irritable mood. 

Donghae couldn’t help his curiosity. It’s not like you get such a sneak peak into a stranger’s life everyday. He felt attached to H or whoever the guy was. He felt sad for him too. 

If H really was out there, Donghae wanted to find him.

4/12/15
After a week of their so-called investigation, the dumbfuck cops said it was an accident. I could murder one of them and get away with it, that’s how dumb they are. 

I can go out wherever I want, whenever I want and come back late, Taeyoung does not bother me. BUT his two sons are back and they give me such annoying looks every time I come home. They think I am not sad enough about their dear mother’s death. 

I feel like deep down, they know I did it. It feels nice to know that at least someone thinks I am smart enough to pull this off.

Anyway, I FINALLY saw the video recordings of Minji’s bedroom. I retrieved the spycams and recorder a few days ago but I couldn’t transfer it to my laptop until last night.  
Minji has a boyfriend. On 23rd November though, her drunk ex boyfriend landed at her place and they fucked.  Then on 24th November, another guy came over. Not a guy, it was an old man with grey streaking the side of his hair. He was, by no means, young. 
On listening to the audio, I came to know that he was a tutor but he wasn't teaching her as much as he was touching her. His hands roamed all over and under her skimpy little clothes. It ticked me off.

IT TICKED ME OFF SO FUCKING MUCH.
I don’t want to kill Minji anymore. 
I want to kill him. 
I have a brilliant idea. 
And it’s gonna be so much better this time. 
H signing out.

6/12/15
Taeyoung didn’t want to live in that half burnt house anymore so we moved to an apartment in Gyeongwon-dong. I would’ve really strangled that motherfucker if this new apartment wasn't in the same complex where Minji’s tutor lived. His name is Oh Sungho.
H signing out

7/12/15
I went hiking today. There’s a huge hill behind the apartment complex I live in. People go hiking in summer and spring but not much in winter. 

There’s a box in my cupboard where I have hidden all the things I stole from Yoojin, before and after her death. There are a lot of things. I sell them to get money to buy myself shoes and clothes. Today I sold one of her watches and bought really nice hiking boots and crampons. 

I started at 7 in the morning and returned just half an hour ago. It’s almost 11 pm now. 
H signing out

8/12/15
I went hiking again. The place already feels familiar. I climbed all the way to the top again. It took me about four hours. I keep getting out of breath and my throat gets dry and itchy. I think I’ll get another thick jacket. It's too cold.
H signing out

13/12/15
Time is down to 2 hours 10 minutes to reach the top. I’m going to do this three times a day to build stamina. 
H signing out

17/12/15
One bag of cement weighs 50 kg and it took me 6 hours to carry it to the top. 
FUCK.
I can’t spend six hours on this stupid thing. I have to do it faster. 
H signing out

23/12/15
There is so much light and people everywhere. I really wanted to kill Sungho as my Christmas present but I am taking too damn long to carry 50kg to the hilltop.

The rest of the page had been torn. 
Donghae flipped to the next page and it was from February of the following year.

19/2/16
FUCKED UP

FUCKED UP

FUCKED UP

I FUCKING SCREWED IT UP FUUUUUUCK

Last night I went to Sungho’s apartment. I have lost count of how many times I have visited that building. By now I know where each camera faced and what times the guards took breaks and naps. The plan was clear. I had to get in when the guards changed shifts at night at around 9 pm. I got a two minute window there where I could get in without being asked what’s in my bag. Then use the emergency stairs since that was the only place apart from the terrace, without cameras.

I sneaked into the electric room behind the lobby and pulled down all the levers. That’s when my continuous visits to that building came handy. I could navigate to the emergency stairs in complete darkness. I hated every second of it.

Sungho lived on the third floor, the first apartment next to the staircase.

I rang the doorbell. There was no answer.

When the lights came on, I saw a big fucking lock on the door. 

Then the woman next door came out and saw me. She fucking saw my face and she saw that I was carrying a big bag. 

I ran away. 

I went to the terrace and hid my bag behind a heap of old electric cables and wooden boards. I changed into a spare pair of clothes, pulled the hood over my head and walked down the emergency exit stairs to the seventh floor and took the elevator down from there.

I’ll try again tomorrow. 

H signing out.

Donghae didn’t know why he felt bad that H failed. He had his fingers crossed as he continued reading, hoping he’d be successful in the next attempt.

21/2/16

It’s 6:47 a.m. 

I am on such a euphoric high.

I have never felt so good!

I sneaked into the building the exact same time, unnoticed. I went to the terrace, collected my bag and left it on the first floor while I went to the electric room and chopped off the cords of the central system with garden scissors.

Then I ran upstairs with the bag to Sungho’s apartment. I slammed the door repeatedly until he opened, with a bright torchlight aimed at my face. 

“Who are you?”

“Sorry sir.. I am really sorry to disturb you..” I was panting from all the stairs that I climbed.  “but the lights suddenly went out and I was leaving my friend’s house but I lost my way” I said, faking the fear in my voice. 

“Oh, yeah sure, come in” 

He happily let me in.

He was a teacher. A 16 year old boy was the last thing he’d be afraid of. 

As I followed him to the living room, my hands were stuffed in my pocket to keep him from seeing the gloves. 

I took a seat on the couch, glancing around, looking for something strong that I could smash his head with. 

I wasn't going to kill him now. 

That's saved for later.

Moments later, the lights came back on, along with Sungho who brought me a glass of water on a tray. 

When I extended a hand to take it, Sungho’s eyes widened at my blue latex gloves. 

I laughed nervously. “I am a bit of a germaphobe…. don’t mind me”

He smiled back. “Not at all”

It was like this guy wanted me to kill him.

I swallowed the water in one go and swung the glass at his head. It shattered against the side of his head. 

He stepped back clutching his head and groaning. That was my opportunity to grab his tray and whack him in the head. 

It took smacking him with the tray THRICE, before he fainted. 

I brushed the glass pieces under the carpet before tying him to a chair. I taped his wrists and ankles to the chair and stuck two thick strips over his mouth.

Now was time for part two of the plan.

I texted Minji from his phone to come over immediately. 

She was at her boyfriend’s place. I knew because I heard them planning about it in the recordings. She had lied to her parents about going for a sleepover which meant that if she goes missing tonight, there’s only one person to blame.

Her boyfriend.

God I love this.

She denied the first few times I asked her nicely. So I had to use my master weapon.

I sent her a video of her ex drunk fucking her in her bedroom. I could literally smell the fear through her texts. It was delicious.

At first she got pissed about how I - her tutor - was spying on her then she was confused and then finally started begging me when I said I would leak it and that I knew she was with her boyfriend right now.

Less than an hour later, she was at the door. 

And I was all ready. 

I switched off all the lights and let her in. 

I closed and locked the door, twisting every knob to ensure she couldn’t break out easily.

In hindsight, there was no need for this. Minji didn’t try to break out. Without any restraints I kept her within those four walls.

I flipped a switch when we reached the living room and she was horrified by the sight of Sungho covered in blood. 

She swung on her heels to look at me. There was a mixture of confusion and terror on her face.

“Don’t be scared. That’s just ketchup” I said, gesturing to the tied up man. It really was ketchup. He wasn’t knocked out for long and I couldn't stand him looking at me. His gaze reminded me of all those predators who once looked at me like they were about to rip me apart. 

So I squeezed some ketchup into his eyes. He whimpered and cried but the tape did its job of dampening it all. He had given up by the time Minji arrived, head lolling as he tried to hold on to his consciousness.

“What do you want!?” Minji asked, petrified. “What have you done to him?!”

“Your phone.” I ordered. 

She shook her head, inching away from me.

“Don’t even think about leaving this place. The moment you step out of that door, that beautiful video of you and your ex will be everywhere. Everyone will be watching it”

“You did that!” She shouted.

“YES!” I shouted back, pouncing at her and ramming her into a wall. “I snuck into your bedroom and put cameras everywhere. I have many many more videos of you that you don’t want coming out”

“No! Please…. Please don’t do that…. Why are you”

“Shut up” I pressed my hand over her mouth. “Your voice is annoying me. Shut up and listen to me. Both of you can’t get out of here alive” 

I stepped back, doing a little twirl as I went towards Sungho.

“If you kill him, I won’t send that video to your boyfriend. There’s a camera up there and Seulgi is watching” I said pointing at a camera that I had taped to the corner of the ceiling. “If anything happens to it, if the lights go out or if you try to destroy it or if you come at me, Seulgi will send this video to your parents, put it on instagram tagging every single person in school and of course, send it personally to your boyfriend”  

The camera wasn’t connected to anything. I lied. 

She was sweating and on the brink of either crying or fighting me. 

“Look—”

“You are doing this for S-Seulgi”

“I am doing this for myself because I—”

“Please let me go! I’ll not say anything to—”

I whipped my hand across her face and yanked her hair before she could emerge from the shock. “If you interrupt me once more, I will fucking kill you okay?”

I let go of her and counted till 5. I heard you should do that when you’re angry. Count till your mind has calmed down. So I did. 
 
“Look at the bright side, Minji. If you kill him, what you did in your bedroom stays between us AND you don’t have to deal with a pervert anymore. Come on Minji, you know you want to kill him” I pushed her towards Sungho.

Her eyes should’ve twinkled at the prospect of such a valuable exchange. She wanted him to die. I am sure she thought of it, every time he touched her. But she wasn't moving or acting. She stood still.

“What are you waiting for? There’s no way you’ll get caught. Your texts say that he called you here. You can say you murdered him in self defence when he tried to force you”

She didn’t say a word.

Just stared at me blankly.

“Guess you won’t start. Fine. I’ll do it”

I grabbed a cleaver from the dining table that I was carrying for this very purpose, and slammed it hard between Sungho’s legs, missing his dick by a thread.

Sungho froze, heart popping into his mouth. His knees were trembling and I bet he peed his pants. 

I poked his balls with the cleaver just a little to make him shudder and scream. It was funny. 

“See? It’s not difficult” I said, offering her the weapon.

She stared at the cleaver momentarily before speaking up.

“I want gloves too”

I smiled. “Oh yeah?” 

There’s no place for nicety in this world. Be a little nice to someone and they climb on your back.

I seized her throat and flung her at Sungho. They fell to the ground as the chair toppled over.

“Still want the gloves?”

Her groans mixed with his helpless cries. Sungho’s head seemed to have hit the floor hard as he looked quite dazed when I pulled him back up. 

Minji quickly crawled away from him and quietly took the cleaver from my hand.

She nervously approached the tied up man.

“Chop his middle finger” 

Minji whipped her head around to look at me. “What!?”

“Chop off his middle finger.”

“But—but he…how can I—”

“Take the knife, swing it up and then swing it down on the finger”

Minji glanced at the knife and then at Sungho who was squirming and flailing his fingers desperately. Like that was going to get him out. 

“I-I can’t do this”

“I’ll post your video then” I said pretending to type something on my phone. 

“No no please don’t I’ll do it I’m doing it…”

My phone wasn't even on. Dumb girl. I had to keep it off so my location couldn’t be tracked in case somehow I got involved in the case. The chances of it are slim. But they are still there. The neighbour woman saw my face. I bet she doesn’t remember it enough to get a sketch of me. 

However, precaution is better than cure.

Minji swung the knife up but she was taking forever to slam it down.

“I haven’t got all day!” 

She flinched at my voice. It was fascinating to have that kinda power.

She brought the knife down on his hand, closing her eyes because she couldn’t see his fear stricken face. 

Idiot. 

She halfway sliced a chunk of his hand 

Dirty and sloppy work. 

I pushed myself off the chair and walked over to them, making her cower as I came closer. 

I taught her how to do it. I stood behind her, both my hands over hers, one holding the knife and the other holding his finger in place.

“Don’t you think about pulling any tricks on me right now or it won’t be nice” I whispered into her ear. 

I constantly embedded into her mind that getting her video leaked is not something she must risk even if I could potentially kill her here. She was dumb and so she fell for it.

I wrapped my fingers tightly over hers that were holding the knife. 

In one quick swipe, his finger came off. 

Minji screamed, backing away as blood splattered all over her clothes and face. Along with her, Sungho was screaming too, head moving in all directions. He convulsed furiously, trying to break free. 

I secured some more tape around his wrists, ankles and chest. 

His face was red and hot tears stained his cheeks. His eyes were red too, curved into a pleading gaze as he struggled against the restraints.

It was so satisfying to watch him. This is all I ever wanted to do to the men who touched me.

CHOP

THEIR

FINGERS

Fuck. I cannot describe in words how happy it made me. Not a thousand words are enough to describe my happiness at that moment.

I grabbed his hair and yanked his head back, revealing his smooth throat. His screams aggravated and so did the squirming. 

I picked up the cleaver from the floor and wiped the bloodied blade on his clothes. It was ready for another cut.

I put the knife against his throat, gently pushing it deeper so I could savour his desperation. I

t was sweet, sweet, sweeeeet.  

But I changed my mind. 

I wasn't going to let him die so soon. 

Minji was somewhere in the corner, crouching and crying. I dragged her back to where Sungho was and asked her to chop all his fingers one by one. 

She shook her head crawling backwards. 

I grabbed her feet and pulled her back in place. “It’s either your sex tape or his fingers.”

“Please… please I can’t do this…. Please”

She was crying and it made me want to slice off that tongue of hers that made so much noise.

I pounced on her, flipping her over to retrieve her phone from the back pocket. She thought I would've forgotten about it. Huh. As if.

I seized her hair and dragged her across the living room, into the bathroom and threw her in. 

I locked the bathroom and left the lights off. 

She banged the door, screaming and shouting to be let out. 

Too late. I gave her enough chances and she couldn’t cut one finger. 

I had cleared stuff outta that bathroom earlier, even the mirror, so she wouldn’t find a weapon to attack me. All she could do was dwell in the darkness until I let her out. 

I took my own sweet time to chop the rest of his fingers. Blood streamed down the chair, staining the floor crimson. I was careful not to let the blood touch my clothes or body. 

My cuts were clean and it got better with every cut. I wiped the blade clean after every cut to start fresh. 

I bend down, putting my ear closer to his mouth so I could drink in his wails.

By the time I had reached the first finger of the other hand, Sungho was nearly unconscious. His head dangled to a side and his eyes were half shut, only the white part visible. 

He isn't allowed to feel NOTHING while I am torturing him!  So I sprinkled some salt on his wounds. LITERALLY.

Then it started. The groaning and crying and screaming and begging. He didn’t stop begging until the final moment. I was persistent too. I didn’t stop until he had no fingers left.

Pale fingers littered the floor in the pool of blood. 

He was as good as dead if I left him here. Blood continuously spewed out of his hand.

But I couldn’t risk it. 

Humans survive without fingers, that’s not a big deal. 

To be sure, I rolled bits of tape into balls and stuffed his nostrils. Then I secured it with more tape so he couldn’t blow them out. 

There it was. 

Perfect way to suffocate someone without touching them.

He twitched weakly. He didn’t have the vigour as before but he struggled nonetheless with whatever energy was left in him. His eyes widened as he tried to inhale but failed.

He could feel death creeping up his chest and it was a sight to watch. 

After a couple strenuous minutes, Sungho was dead. 

It was midnight.

Minji had stopped banging the door. In fact the bathroom was so silent, I wondered if she had fainted. 

I was right. She had fainted due to a lack of ventilation.

Poor girl. If she had stayed awake, she might’ve had a chance to live. 

By the time she came to her senses, I had tied her to a chair, just like Sungho. I had placed her in front of the mirror in the same bathroom. 

Now it was just her, me and a razor. 

“HELP!” She screamed. “SOMEBODY HELP! HELP!”

I grabbed her hair to hold it in position as I shaved her head. In retrospect, it would’ve been easier if I had cut her hair with scissors first and then shaved it off. It would’ve saved so much time.

“Please let me go,” She cried. “Don’t do this please. NO!!!!!”

A big chunk of hair fell to the ground, revealing her scalp.

My heart was overflowing with joy. 

The flickering white tubelight in the bathroom cast a gloomy glow on her. That paired with her tears and agony, added to the experience.

I didn’t tape her mouth because I wanted to hear her cry. 

Her white scalp was peppered with cuts and bruises from the razor. I brushed the razor past her cuts over and over to make her scream louder. 

It’s not the stabs that hurt the most, it’s poking open wounds that fucking stings like a bitch.

I was about halfway done shaving her head when the incessant crying got to me. 

I had to make it stop.

I went out to get tape but then I found something better.

“Open your mouth Minji come on” I said, squeezing her cheeks, but her lips were sealed. 

She shook her head, trying to wriggle out of my hold when she saw the severed fingers I was holding. 

“Open your mouth or I’ll shove it somewhere else” I informed calmly. “and that will be really painful” 

“Please….please no.. let me go please—”

I stuffed her mouth with Sungho’s thick pale fingers and wiped the blood that dribbled down her chin.

She gagged and lurched, trying to spit it out. 

I put a hand over her mouth and forced her back up. “Every finger you spit out, will go up another hole”

She cried silently, eyes fixed on me. 

This is what I wanted to see. This is all I wanted to see since the moment she grabbed my hair that day.

I let her go, sliding my fingers under her chin.

“I’m going to cut you up in 50 small pieces and bury each one in a kids park across the city. Then it’s a treasure hunt for little pant wetters to find you and put you together. How lovely isn’t it!”

Donghae paused when he got a message from Hyukjae. 

Hyukjae : I checked. There are no records of any woman called Yoojin who died from a gas explosion in 2015.

Me : Did you check in all precincts?

Hyukjae :  Yes

Donghae flung the bundle of paper at the wall, groaning in frustration.

A joke. It was all a lame joke. 

He was so invested in nothing but a stupid made up story. 

Minutes later his doorbell rang.

There was another brown package at the doorstep, similar to the one Donghae had gotten yesterday. 

He picked it up and peered inside to check out the contents. 

More bundles of paper.

Donghae looked around and spotted a balck SUV on the other side of the street. He faintly remembered seeing it the previous day too when he went out to get mail. It wasn't there this morning when he went out to check the mailbox but it was here now. It couldn’t be a coincidence.

The windows were tinted so Donghae couldn’t see if anyone was inside but he had an inkling that there was. That person was watching him right now. 

He was proven correct when a man alighted the car dressed in all black. His face was covered with a black mask that had some sort of white print over it and he wore a black cap. 

His behaviour was odd.

He alighted the car but stood there staring at Donghae. 

He slowly raised his hand, waving at Donghae. It looked very mechanical, the way his wrist moved.

Then he dropped his hand.

Seconds later, he took a small step and stopped, and then took another step and stopped. He stood still in the middle of the street for a good minute. Donghae’s gaze was fixed on him. He couldn’t bring himself to interact with that guy though. He didn’t seem right.

All of a sudden the masked figure started running towards him. He picked up pace so quickly, Donghae barely had time to react.

He scrambled back and slammed the door shut. 

Donghae leaned against the door, panting and slid down to the floor. He could feel his heart thumping in his throat. 

He was surprised, more than afraid. 

The way that man ran towards him. It was not normal. 

A piece of paper slipped under his door.

It was an old newspaper cut out with a grainy picture of a two-storeyed house on fire and a picture of a lady in a box next to it. The photo was titled Bae Yoojin. 

Donghae turned it over and there were three sentences scribbled onto it in red ink.

Hyukjae is a liar.
He doesn’t want you to know. 
Everything is real. 

Chapter Text

Donghae sat there with his back against the door, knees drawn close to his chest and head hanging low. 

Why did Hyukjae lie to me?

The only reasonable explanation was that he was being paranoid about Donghae.

Again.

In Hyukjae’s words, he was looking out for him but Donghae knew the difference between looking out for someone and being overbearing and Hyukjae was the latter. 

If he wasn't a cop, he would be with Donghae all day, monitoring his activities. A part of Donghae liked being taken care of. He appreciated the efforts Hyukjae put in. But there were times he wanted to push him away. Like, literally.

Donghae glanced at his phone that was buzzing on the table.

An unknown number.

He rushed to the window, moving the curtains a little to see outside. The car and the man were both gone.

Donghae stared at the buzzing phone in his hand, contemplating whether or not to answer. It could be the same guy. But how did he get Donghae’s number? He himself didn’t remember his number.

Fuck it.

He answered the call.

“Hyung, where are you? You’re coming today right?”

“Who……?”

“You still haven’t saved my number???”

“Siwon?”

“Why haven’t you saved my number yet?”

“I......forgot”

Donghae didn’t forget. He was just too lazy.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, why?”

“You said you were coming today? Are you?”

“Today—oh fuck. It’s Monday!” Donghae rolled his head back, groaning. “Ah shit, I totally forgot. I’ve been home so long I've lost count of days. I’ll be there in twenty”

Siwon chuckled, asking him to drive safe before hanging up.

He was a close friend and the one person Donghae trusted with everything. Siwon had always been there for him and he was this inherently nice person who couldn’t, for the life of him, do anything bad to anyone. Siwon was the most ideal human and sometimes Donghae wished he had his life together like him. 

That was impossible though. The man woke up at 4:30 everyday. People go to bed at that time. People as in Donghae.

Everything was going well when Donghae started out in his car. He grabbed a subway as usual on his way to the cafe. He worked there but he could come and go as he wished because Siwon owned the place. Donghae would be all prim and proper, doing his job properly on the days Siwon came there. Other times he was laid back and nobody told him anything because he was like an elder brother to the owner.

Donghae enjoyed the privilege.

It was at a red light, that Donghae noticed the black SUV in his rear mirror. It was diagonally behind him. 

He stepped on the gas, the moment the light turned green and zoomed off. 

The black car didn't stop chasing him though. Its number plate was hidden too. 

Donghae swerved from one lane to another to check if it was actually following him and it was. The black car changed lanes with him. 

Donghae was a bit scared but he couldn't deny the excitement brewing in the pit of his stomach. He felt like he was in some movie. The black car did not let him escape. It followed him till the cafe and stopped at a parking spot, few cars behind him.

It was a busy road so it wasn't like Donghae could be kidnapped or shot or harmed in any way, in broad daylight.

He quickly alighted the car and rushed into the cafe.

“Siwon, siwon”

“Hey”

“Siwon, listen," He pulled him towards the window. "that guy in that big black car over there, he is stalking me”

“Who? What? Which car?”

Siwon glanced outside keenly, but there was no such car.

“That….It—it was right there”

"You are sweating" Siwon said, eyes wide at how pink and worked up Donghae looked. 

“Someone’s stalking me. There was a guy in a black car who was waiting outside my house and then he was tailgating me throughout the way here. He has ears inside my house too! He knows what I talk about!” Donghae complained impatiently.

“Okay okay alright… I am gonna go out and check if the black car’s there okay? You stay right here”

Siwon was one brave man but Donghae knew he won't find anyone. He must've fled already.

“There’s nothing right?” He asked when Siwon returned.

He shook his head.

“And now you think I am crazy”

“Nooo, hyung I don’t think you’re crazy”

"It's okay if you do"

"You gotta do something about this! Tell the cops!”

Donghae scoffed. “I live with one. And no, I am not telling Hyukjae. He’ll get another excuse to keep me at home”

“But it’s dangerous”

“And I am not a child. I can deal with this”

Last week when Donghae accidentally burnt his hand at work, Hyukjae insisted he stayed at home for a couple weeks. For a minor burn.  

It was like he wanted to keep him at home at all costs. Hyukjae’s even been coming back home early these days to spend more time with Donghae and take care of him. 

Donghae was perpetually stuck between craving for his love and wanting to run away from him. It was sickening. 

The diary gave him purpose. The masked man might’ve left it at his door for whatever reason but it had become an exciting pastime for Donghae. Even when that maniac came running at him, Donghae felt his heart race after a long time. While he was being chased by that car, he felt an adrenaline rush. 

Maybe it wasn't so bad having a stalker.

“Hyung, I think you should stay at home…. and keep all doors and windows locked” Siwon insisted.

Donghae nodded. 

“Sorry, you had to come all the way here”

He shook his head dismissively. “I needed some fresh air. Haven’t left home in a week”

“Text me when you get home. That reminds me, give me your phone” 

“Why?”

“I want to save my number”

He was appalled to see Donghae’s contact list. “Why don’t you save any numbers???”

“There are two people who call me and I know Hyukjae’s number by heart” 

Donghae watched him type in his name. “Choi… Siwon. Your last name’s Choi?”

“You didn’t know that?”

“Nope”

The little frown on Siwon’s face said he was mildly offended and Donghae giggled in response.

“I’ll remember it now" He assured, patting his shoulder. "See you later Choi Siwon”

As soon as Donghae started crossing the road to go to his car, a dark grey car screeched to a halt in front of him, missing him by an inch. 

He quickly stepped back, almost stumbling over the sidewalk. 

It wasn't the same car as before but it had tinted glasses too. Donghae’s hand slipped into his pocket, clutching his phone. In case something went downhill, he could smack that person in the face with his phone. Under normal circumstances, Donghae might’ve considered dialling 911 but after reading those diary entries, he couldn’t not think of it as a weapon.

The window of the passenger seat rolled down. “Hi there, beautiful. Want a ride?”

Donghae rolled his eyes, relieved.

It was Detective Hyukjae.

“No thanks, I got my own car” He said, holding up the car key. 

“Then give me a ride home”

Hyukjae quickly got off, bidding his fellow detective farewell and joined Donghae.

“You know you almost killed me?” Donghae asked as they got into their car.

Hyukjae’s lips thinned into a smile. “I would be the last person to kill you baby”

Neither of them said anything after that. 

Donghae could smell the precinct on him. If that even made sense. His gaze constantly went over the gun and badge that Hyukjae had kept in the cup holders between their seats. It was unsettling to be in the same environment as Hyukjae and a gun. Maybe it was his disdain for cops in general that made Donghae feel all this. He would’ve disliked his boyfriend more if he was in a uniform.

“It’s 4 pm. Any reason you got off work early?  Donghae asked, eyes fixed on the road. Are there no more criminals in this city?”

“I have a terrible back ache so….”

“I didn’t know being a cop was so easy. You miss someone, you come back home. You have a backache, you come back home. Hmm, convenient.” 

“You sound like you don’t like me coming back home early” Hyukjae pulled the lever next to his seat and slid it back to raise his feet on the dashboard. 

“Don’t put your feet up.”

“Don’t change the topic. You don’t like me coming back early??? You can tell me so…”

“No. I like my boyfriend coming back early, not Detective Hyukjae who wants to keep an eye on me.”

Hyukjae looked at him in amusement. “What? I took a day off because my back really hurts”

“And how did you find me?” 

“I was passing by”

“Don’t bullshit me Hyukjae. I know you are tracking my phone”

“I am not”

“You are!”

“I am not!”

Donghae stepped on the brake, causing Hyukjae to hit his nose on his knee from the whiplash.

“Ow! Why did you do that!?”

“I told you not to keep your feet up.”

“I am scared alright!" Hyukjae snapped. "I just wanna know where you are. Sometimes you don’t answer your phone because it’s on silent and then hours later you text back saying you were doing this or that while I am terrified out of my mind all day!”

“So you thought it’s best to spy on me”

Hyukjae let out an annoyed sigh. “Nooo~ Baby I really was passing by and I happened to check on you and saw you were around so I stopped by”

“Still ridiculous” 

“Okay I’ll unpair it okay? I won’t track you anymore, I promise” He extended a pinky finger. “Pinky promise”

Still pissed, Donghae locked his pinky with him.

“Really? You’ll not track my phone anymore?”

“Yes, I have promised you…. Can I get a hug now?” Hyukjae asked, opening his arms.

“You don’t have shame do you? Asking for a hug right after a fight”

He laughed, pulling him into a hug. “I’m making sure we’re all good and not holding any grudges……… are we?” He whispered, his deep voice sending a sharp shiver down Donghae’s spine.

“…..no”

__________

Donghae gets it. He gets why Hyukjae is so paranoid. It’s because of the accident that took place about a year ago.

It wasn't an accident. Nor was it a suicide attempt. Apparently Donghae was only proving his love for Hyukjae when he jumped in front of a car.

At least that’s what Hyukjae told him. 

Donghae doesn’t remember it. Doctors said the shock might’ve wiped off his memories. 

Hyukjae told him that Donghae was madly in love with him before the accident and Hyukjae only realised it after Donghae tried to kill himself. Now Hyukjae wanted to give him all the love he had to offer. A redemption of sorts.

That never fit right with Donghae though. He could never imagine himself doing something like that. But there was solid proof of his mad love for Hyukjae. He saw it every single day in his arm that had Hyukjae’s name carved into it. Hyukjae said he did that to himself too. 

This wasn't the first time Hyukjae was tracking his phone. He has done that before because he thinks Donghae might be a threat to himself due to his impulsive behaviour and Donghae can't help but agree to whatever he says. He knows Hyukjae really does all this out of love. Maybe Donghae was to blame for not remembering what kind of a person he was with Hyukjae.  

He felt like a part of him was locked away, buried in the back of his mind. Why couldn’t he remember that crazy love? Why couldn’t he relate to the person Hyukjae claimed he was, before the accident?

Donghae had safely put away the bundle of diary pages in his drawer and sat down to read after Hyukjae went to bed that night. 

I didn’t cut her into pieces. That required a stronger weapon. Something like the thing that cuts wood. Neither did I have the time to cut her.

Funny thing. I don’t know how she died. Trauma? Exertion? Suffocation? I have no fucking idea. I was shaving her head and I clearly remember her high-pitched whimpering but then suddenly she stopped. I didn’t really pay attention until I let her head go and it fell back, her eyes wide open staring at the ceiling. 

I think she choked on the fingers.

I don’t know.

It was sometime around 2 am. 

I put her into the backpack I was carrying, tied it with a rope and slowly lowered it out of a window that faced the hills. Then I climbed down myself. 

The path from there was a piece of cake.

I practised hiking for this very day. 

I put on my crampons and thickest coat before hauling the backpack over my shoulders. 

She seemed lighter than 50 kgs. These girls are so obsessed with being thin, they don’t realise how easy they are to kill.

I had set a net up somewhere. Like the kind hunters set for deers. I dug a hole, put a net and covered it with snow. I went there everyday without fail to make sure it was still intact. 

When I reached the top, I dug out the top layer of snow and pushed her body onto the net. It collapsed under her weight.

I covered it up with snow as much as I could. 

Nobody will even suspect that a skinny 17 year old boy would have climbed up here in the middle of winter and carried a dead girl with him.

Here we come to the end of episode 2  of perfect crimes by H.

H signing out.

P.S 

I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY

That was the end of the contents that he found in the first package.

Now Donghae was rummaging through the paper package he received this afternoon from that mystery man. He arranged the papers in order of the dates before he dived right into it. 

The screen of his phone lit up, catching his attention. There was a message from an unknown number.

Looking cute in those shorts. 

Donghae sprang from his seat, looking around in confusion. Could he see him? Was there a camera in his house??? 

Another message. 

You like it, don't you? You love reading these.

“Hey asshole. Listen up.” Donghae said out loud, glancing from wall to wall. “Don’t think I’m afraid of you. You can be living in my house with a knife and I wouldn’t be scared. I wanna see how far you go with these. And yes. YES I am thoroughly enjoying these!" He said holding up the bundle of papers. "Thanks for the free entertainment. And I hope this H comes for you.”

6/4/16

My restlessness is getting worse. I need something exciting. Something that makes my heart go whoOooooo. 

I don’t know

I feel

NOT.

I can’t feel anything anymore. 

Days feel so fluid. Like waves and I am just floating in its direction with no sense of where I’m going. Every day looks like I am reliving the same one. 

Stuck

STUCK

I can’t believe it’s been two months since I killed Minji. Feels like yesterday, I was ripping open a cut on her head with the razor. 

Everything from that day to today is a big blur. I don’t remember anything that happened in between. The only way I know what happened is from these entries. 

H signing out.

Like the previous bundle, Donghae didn’t receive every single entry. He received it in bits and parts but enough to make sense of what was happening. His so-called stalker seemed to have picked very specific incidents that he wanted him to read.

10/4/16

I 

FUCKING

HATE

CHANHYUK

This is where my patience ends. Today is where my patience ends. I thought high school years were horrible, filled with annoying people at school and home but uni is worse. I study at a shitty place and live with shitty people.

It wasn't enough that he smokes up inside my room. Today he got his stoner friends along too.

Do these people have fun in making me suffer? Why do all stoners have to be around me? 

No.

I didn’t have it when I was 10, I definitely won’t now. 

Chanhyuk has to die and his death is going to be a lesson to all the stoners out there, to stay the fuck away from me.

H signing out.

12/4/16

It’s not difficult to kill Chanhyuk. In fact he’s the easiest to kill because he’s high most of the time. When he isn’t high, he is asleep. That’s not an issue. I can kill him right now if I want to.

Problem is, I am his roommate. The most direct suspect. I’ll always be under the radar and this idiot isn’t worth risking that much.

I thought overdosing would be an easy way but I don’t want an easy way. I want my blood to rush. I want to be on that edge where one mistake would make everything fail. I don’t want to play safe. That’s not how H takes down his victims.

H signing out.

19/4/16

This guy HEECHUL seems off.

I have seen him a few times in class. We have three lectures together and he always sits behind me. He’s sitting behind me right now too. I have caught him tailing me and staring at me many times. 

I know he’s peeking into my diary right now. If he’s able to read his name then he’ll follow me after class too. I’ll get him then.

Guess Chanhyuk’s got company. He won’t be dying alone.

Heechul followed me till my dorm and when I caught him, he said he wanted to befriend me because his roommate disappeared or some shit. I remember people in class talking about it. He just disappeared without a trace. Heechul looked like he was afraid he would be the next one to disappear if he stayed alone. So he wanted to be “friends” with me. To not be alone. 

I thought it wasn't a bad idea after all. Friends help each other right? Heechul will help me then. I will frame him for Chanhyuk’s death and he, like a good friend, will take the blame.  

H signing out.

12/5/16

It’s been going well so far. Things are going as I expected. This is the most boring part. The set up for a murder. It’s so exhausting. 

I ask Heechul to come over to hangout every single day and Chanhyuk hates it. I hate it too. Heechul tells him off for smoking up indoors. Once he broke his expensive shisha pipe thing. Chanhyuk was fucking furious. They got into a fight too.

Heechul is volatile. He does not hold back. One weekend he had come over when Chanhyuk’s gang had come to get high together. 

Heechul assaulted a couple and drove the rest out. See, that’s the thing, high individuals are easy to fight. 

Basically, Heechul and Chanhyuk’s interactions have never been pleasant. I had initially planned on doing something to start a fight between them but I didn’t need to. They themselves became each other’s greatest enemies. 

I wouldn’t say I didn’t put in any effort though.

I put in the most effort actually. I tolerate Heechul every single day. He talks. He laughs. He touches me. I swear to fucking god if my plan fails, I don’t care I will slit his damn throat. I will push him off the terrace or something. I will not let that man walk out of uni alive if my plan fails.

H signing out.

29/5/16

Today was a sign for me to start preparing for slaughter day.

Chanhyuk was high as usual. He came into the room with his arm around a skinny pasty girl. They both looked quite out of it. They wanted to fuck so he asked me to get out. 

Exams start next week. There’s no way I would’ve stopped studying. Otherwise too, I wouldn’t leave my room just because he wanted to get laid. 

“Fuck off Chanhyuk” I said. 

He clumsily made his way across the room towards me, staring at me with his bloodshot eyes as he clutched my collar and pulled me off the bed. 

“What did you say?”

“Fuck. Off.”  

He shoved me on the ground and my head hit against the metal legs of a chair. It physically pained to hold myself back.

“Won’t get out?” He asked, kicking my shin. “Then you’ll watch huh?” Another kick in the back of my thigh. “Always knew you were a perv”

I stayed curled up on the floor, pretending to be hurt as he continued to kick my legs and back. 

He hurled swear words at me, kicking and stepping on me. 

Boy, it was over for him had I gotten up.

But I couldn’t. 

If I got up, I wouldn’t stop until I ripped his eyes out or broke all the bones in his feet, ripping the flesh open with my cleaver. 

That would be a bad image for me. It would ruin all that I had done so far. I hadn’t put up with Heechul for nothing.

He swung a random blow at my stomach, knocking all the air out. I rolled over, coughing and clutching my abdomen. It still hurts when I breathe. That bastard isn’t strong. He’s huge in size. Tall and hefty. So his kicks and punches HURT.

“Still wanna watch?” Chanhyuk asked, stepping on my back, heel digging into the centre of my back. That also hurts now when I breathe. 

Heechul barged in just then and pulled him off me. He rammed his head into the iron poster of his bed. “If you touch him again, I will kill you!” 

Dramatic.

Heechul dug his own grave so I won’t have to.

All I have to do is wait until exams get over so I can execute my plan.

H signing out.

NO, MUFFIN. YOU DUG YOUR GRAVE 

12/6/16

Heechul is not a normal guy.

I told you I got a weird vibe from him. 

He’s not normal.

He’s crazy

Fucking mad.

Like me

I have found someone like me

I don’t know how I feel about it yet. 

I don’t like it.

But I need him.

He is the rush I need. 

Yesterday when I came back to my dorm, my diary was missing. I don’t know how he found it. 

But he didn’t take it too well.

I knew he must’ve stolen it. He was the only person to ever see me writing in this. So I went to his dorm. 

Things got pretty wild from there.

I don’t remember what exactly happened but I woke up inside a bathtub, my hands tied above my head to the shower post. When Heechul removed the pillow cover from my face, I saw that he was sitting on me, straddling me and he had a plier in his hand. 

He put the pliers under my chin, lifting it. “Scared, muffin?” 

“You took my diary”

He smiled, reaching for the diary that was lying on the floor. “This one? Yes, I took it”

My eyes strained as I tried to keep them open. 

“I didn’t know you were so violent, muffin. First I only read the ones concerning me but then it was so interesting I had to read the rest of it!”

“Why don’t you kill me?” 

He laughed. 

“Why would I kill you?”

“It’s either you or me. And right now it looks like you have an advantage” 

I didn’t try to break out of the ropes. It was futile. If he was anything like me, he had made sure they were too tight. 

“But I don’t want to kill you” He pouted.

At that moment I was really fucking confused. Why would he not want to kill me? 

“Then what? Will you report me to the police?”

He shook his head. 

“I just wanted to see you like this” He slowly dragged the plier down my bare skin and stopped in the centre of my chest. He pressed the tip against my bone as he leaned forward. 

“I like how you’re not afraid at all…..” He whispered and bit my earlobe. It felt like a dog nipping at my ear. 

“What do you want?”

“I want to have you under me, muffin”  He kissed my cheek under the eye.“You look so pretty like this”

His face was close to mine and I whipped my head forward, hitting his nose. His weight shifted to the side of my legs as he leaned back holding his bleeding nose.

I jerked my hips up and he toppled back to the opposite side of the tub. My legs easily slid from underneath him and I kicked him in the face. 

He fell back, head striking against the cold tiled wall.

“Not my face muffin. Not. My. Face!” He punched me in the chest.

That hurt.

That really fucking hurt. 

I couldn’t breathe for a good minute. It felt like my lungs just shut down.

Heechul wrapped the handshower cord around my throat. “My face is a piece of art, muffin. You shouldn’t have done that!” He shouted, pulling it taut. 

I was wheezing and grappling for air. Numbness crept up my face and I could feel the blood draining. His red face was dwindling into a blur as the wire around my throat continued to tighten. I thought I would die. 

But he let go. 

He sighed and dropped the hand shower, letting it hang from around my neck. I lowered my head, panting.

“I said I don’t want to kill you” He sat on my lap, forcing his legs around my waist and locked his feet behind my back. “You’re such an adorable little thing, you know”

He caressed my face and the moment his finger lingered on my jaw, I bit him and I fucking held onto his finger. 

I may not be physically strong but he really should’ve choked me to death if he didn’t wanna be injured.

He used his other hand to push my face away and I bit into the side of his hand, teeth digging between the bones. 

He groaned, pushing his knee into my face as he pulled his hand away. 

The taste of his blood and flesh lingered in my mouth. My teeth and lips were stained with his blood.

He laughed, sitting up on the toilet seat. There were deep bloody teeth imprints on his hand from where blood oozed out. I had ripped into his flesh. His groans mixed with his laughter as he wriggled his hand trying to make the pain go away,

“Kill me or I’ll kill you” I said.  

“I’m going to make you an interesting offe—”

I kicked him in the face. 

Again. 

It was funny. 

“You really don’t fucking understand do you!” He shouted and grabbed the hand shower. 

I thought he was going to strangle me again. 

Instead, he turned open the hot water tap and sprayed me with scalding hot water.

“I said not my pretty face!” He screamed but his voice was drowned by the burning water. He aimed it at my face first and then all over my body. Steam rose all around me, getting into my nose and throat. 

Heechul really was something.

Every time I tried to kick him, he whipped my legs hard with the hand shower.

My face, my body, everything burned so bad. There are red patches on my face now and bruises on my leg.

He stopped after a while and left. 

The tape had loosened from the water. I pulled at it harshly and it came off. 

At that moment, I was sure Heechul was going to die today. 

I pulled the mirror out and shattered it into the tub 

I picked up the biggest shard and ran out.

As soon as I stepped into the living room, Heechul pounced at me out of nowhere. His one hand was half bandaged, blood seeping through the cotton and gauge. He twisted my hand, pushing me up against the wall with my back facing him.

“Nice weapon, muffin” He whispered, twisting my wrist up, pushing the shard of glass into my back. He was strong. Strong enough to hold me in one place with just one hand.

“Good try. I knew the tape was wet and you could come out” He whispered, biting my ear hard. This time he bit it really hard. 

Too bad he had only one functional hand. I stabbed him in the thigh with a pen. 

I always carry a pen in my pocket. It’s the most inconspicuous weapon.

“Fuck!” He groaned, wrapping his arm around my neck and dragged me to the couch. “Can’t you just fucking stay still and let me speak?”

He pushed my face into the couch, digging his knee into my back.

“Just fucking stay still” He ordered, stepping on my fingers until I let go of the pen. 

“I will kill Chanhyuk for you”

For a second I just blanked out and he sensed my confusion.

“I will kill him for you. In turn, you kill someone for me”

He slowly lifted his knee from my back and moved away. 

“Deal?”

“What do I get from that?” I asked, sitting back up.

“I don’t know Chanhyuk. I will never be suspected. And you will have an alibi because you’ll actually be innocent. Don’t you want that?”

“Why do you wanna help?”

“I am not helping. I am only making it easier for both of us. You kill a stranger for me and I kill one for you”

“You will kill him first. I don’t trust you”

“Oh muffin. Have some faith” He chuckled, wrapping the bandage around his hand. “Would I do all this if I was going to set you up?”

“Do you even know how difficult murders are? You need a plan and perfect timing and execution and—”

“How do you think my roommate disappeared into thin air?” Heechul cocked his brows with a sly smile. “Muffin, I know exactly how to get away with murder”

Chapter Text

Donghae woke up the next morning when he fell off the couch and the pages that were tucked under his arm, scattered all over the carpet. 

“What happened?!” Hyukjae shrieked as he came running out of the kitchen. 

Donghae froze, fingers splayed over the pages. “You’re…. here” He gazed at him from head to toe. “And.... you’re holding a knife”

“What—Oh yes. I was making avocado toast for you”

Hyukjae wasn't particularly gifted when it came to cooking. He could burn down the kitchen while peeling onions. Like, right now he was using a tomato knife to spread avocado paste on the toast.

Donghae never let him cook, but sometimes, Hyukjae would sneak in while he was asleep and make him breakfast. Sometimes it was overly salted kimchi pancakes and sometimes undercooked short ribs, but Donghae ate all of it like it was the most delicious thing in the world, even if the extra salt lingered on his tongue all day. 

He couldn’t disappoint Hyukjae. He couldn’t let down the eyes that watched him so keenly for a review on his food. He worked so hard to prepare it. He would use multiple recipes from Youtube to make the most perfect meal. Hyukjae was the best boyfriend, albeit the hyper-protectiveness, but Hyukjae had his reasons for that.

“What’s all this?” Hyukjae asked, kneeling down to help him collect the papers.

“Nothing” Donghae quickly gathered them, snatching one out of Hyukjae’s hand. “It’s nothing, just…. random stuff”

“Okay calm down, I am not touching your stuff” He chuckled and returned to the kitchen. 

Donghae instantly felt guilty. He shoved the bundle of pages into his pocket and followed his boyfriend to the kitchen.

Hyukjae’s hips swayed to a song he was mumbling while spreading avocado paste on a slice of toast. These were the moments he wasn't Detective Hyukjae, but just Hyukjae. 

He was wearing an apron over his bare body and a pair of hot red boxers.

Donghae slid his hands around his waist, pressing a kiss on his shoulder blade. “Thanks”

Hyukjae smiled, craning his neck back to kiss Donghae’s messy hair. 

Donghae hugged him tighter, letting himself sink in his warmth. 

“Finish everything, okay? Don’t leave half a toast for dinner in the fridge” Hyukjae instructed. “And my parcel is arriving today. Please take it on time. I heard some kids in the neighbourhood are stealing other’s mail and parcels”

“What did you order?”

“Imported meat cleaver”

Donghae stepped back. “W-what?”

Hyukjae swung around to look at him. “Yeah, it’s coming from Switzerland”

“What for?”

Hyukjae chuckled. “For cutting meat, what else?”

Donghae shook his head. Of course it was for meat. He should stop thinking of everything as a murder weapon. He blames H for it. 

Hyukjae cupped his face with a slight frown, tracing his cheek with his thumb. “Why did you sleep outside last night? Is everything okay?”

“Uhhhhh....” Donghae gazed around, thinking of an excuse. “I.. was watching TV and then I don’t know when I fell asleep”

“You’re gonna sprain your back one day, sleeping there” Hyukjae joked and Donghae feigned a laugh in response.  

“Is there something you wanna tell me…..?” Hyukjae asked and prodded the bundle of pages in Donghae’s pocket. “Maybe about the pages you were reading?”

Donghae's shoulders tensed. 

“No…”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure” The words left his mouth even before he could think about why he was lying. Donghae didn’t know if H was alive or not, but he didn’t want him to get caught. He was covering up for a person he didn’t even know. He had a strange kind of affection for H and it was taking over him.

Hyukjae let go, leaning against the counter. “I’ll be back by 5…. I’ll try to”

“You’re not working today?”

“I have taken a day off. It’s Jongwoon’s birthday.”

“Oh…okay”

Jongwoon was Hyukjae’s ex-boyfriend. Donghae never met him but he knew Hyukjae must’ve really loved him. He still has his picture in his wallet. Donghae never bothered to call him out on that. He didn’t mind.

Jongwoon went missing a few years ago. Despite being a detective, Hyukjae couldn’t find Jongwoon or the person who might’ve done something to him. There were no suspects or witnesses or any clue about what could’ve happened to Jongwoon.

He just disappeared.

And to this day, Hyukjae blames himself for it.

“Hyukie…” Donghae cooed, pulled him closer. “Jongwoon would’ve wanted you to be happy on his birthday”

“He would’ve wanted to be alive on his birthday.”

“Maybe he is. Maybe he is out there somewhere”

Hyukjae buried his face in Donghae's shoulder, breaths shuddering as he tried not to break down for the hundredth time. 

“It’s not your fault…”

Donghae wasn't the first person to tell him that. Everybody told him that. 

“It is my fault. If I had been at home that day, none of this would’ve happened”

Donghae had heard the story in bits and pieces because Hyukjae didn’t like talking about it. Apparently, the day Jongwoon went missing, Hyukjae and him had an argument, because of which he didn’t answer Jongwoon’s calls. When he returned home that night, Jongwoon wasn't there. All his belongings were in place so he hadn’t left on his own. 

He had called Hyukjae seven times that day and Hyukjae ignored it because he was busy and pissed. 

Donghae rubbed his back, comfortingly. “I’m here if you wanna talk”

Hyukjae shook his head, breaking away. “I need a getaway. I don’t want to rant to you about how guilty I feel. I know it’s repetitive and annoying for you”

“Come on~ You can talk about him all day! I don’t mind!! I want you to feel better Hyukie”

“It’s okay baby. I’ll feel better if I drive around for a bit…”  He kissed him. “Stay safe” 

__________

Donghae kissed goodbye to his boyfriend at their doorway and stood there watching him drive away until he couldn’t see him anymore. 

He went back in, locking all doors and windows. He drew all the curtains and sat down in the quiet living room. He wasn't scared. He wanted to get to the bottom of this stalker thing.

His first inference was that the masked guy is H and he’s giving him a kind of preview about what he’s about to do to him. But to think of it, so far H has murdered people who caused him some problem or triggered him. Donghae didn’t remember doing anything wrong to anyone. Let’s assume Donghae accidentally offended H in some manner and H was coming for him. In that case, H had actually given him an idea about where cameras and microphones might be in his house. 

Donghae started by checking the top of the dark velvet curtains in the living room. In the extreme right corner, he found a tiny camera wedged between the curtain rod and the curtain. There was a little hole in a black colored area of the curtain to camouflage the camera. 

Donghae plucked the camera and threw it on the floor. He did the same for the rest of the house and discovered 6-7 cameras in total. He collected them all on the dining table.

“Wow” He scoffed, wondering when and how a stranger fixed so many cameras. 

Then he thoroughly searched the house for microphones, keeping in mind the way it was taped in Minji’s home. It must be under the furniture. 

Donghae jumped excitedly when he discovered the first microphone taped under the couch. If this was what detectives did, he could easily be one. 

He checked the underside of every piece of furniture in the living room. The coffee table, the dining table, the chairs, the television but found nothing. However, he found three in his bedroom. One under the cupboard, the second one behind the headboard of the bed and third one under a little desk that stood by the window, similar to where he had put it in Minji’s bedroom. He continued his search and found a few more microphones throughout the house. A couple were hidden behind tube lights and some under the sink. 

H had his ears everywhere inside the house. Everywhere except, perhaps the basement. Donghae didn’t check there because they never used the basement. It had been locked for quite some time.

Donghae sat in the living room, looking at the pile of cameras and microphones he had gathered. While he was proud of himself, he felt disconcerted by the fact that someone had been watching them. 

He stored all of the equipments in a drawer in the cupboard and locked it. He smiled cockily, jingling the key in his pocket. H couldn’t see or hear him anymore. Donghae wasn't like his other victims. He was smarter.

He glanced out of the window. The weather was pleasant, no suspicious cars or people in sight. He hadn’t received anything in mail either. 

H must be so flustered right now, since I spoiled his plan.

Donghae giggled, laying in bed. He felt oddly free, knowing that he wasn't being watched anymore. He felt something for H, something he couldn’t put a finger to yet. He wanted to play this nasty game. It gave him the good kinda chills and if he could get to see who H was, even better. 

He resumed reading the entries.

He remembered, last night he had stopped when H and Heechul were planning to kill people for each other. 

20/6/16

I don’t like Heechul. He’s fluttering around me all day and he keeps talking to me as if he didn’t try to burn me with hot water. I don’t understand him, but he says that I am the only one who does, because I don’t freak about him murdering someone.

Today he told me that there’s a minor fracture in his hand because I bit him. Loser thought he’d get away with hurting me. I hope his hand never heals so he remembers who he dealt with. 

H signing out.

28/6/16

I was sleeping in my room and I was sleeping without a shirt because it’s so damn hot. Heechul came out of nowhere and hugged me. 

I jabbed my elbow in his chest and climbed on top of him, pushing the tip of a pen under his jaw. “If you touch me again without permission, I will stab your throat without permission.” 

“Muffin’s angryyyyyy~” He drawled, trying to hug me again.

“Get your hands off me Heechul.” 

He rolled his eyes and pushed me off as he stood up to straighten his clothes. “I wanna have sex with you. Let me know when you feel like. I’ll be there” 

I have never seen anybody asking for sex this way. At least he’s being direct. 

H signing out.

2/7/16

If I had to make a list of top 3 turn ons, Heechul grunting into my ear and biting my shoulder when he comes inside me, will be on it. Can we just take a moment to appreciate how fucking hot that is? Okay maybe I shouldn’t. It’s making me horny.

H signing out.

4/7/16

I don't know what happened today.

I almost broke Heechul's rib.

We were having sex and everything was great until his big hands wrapped around my neck to choke me. I knew he wasn't going to choke me to death. The pressure wasn't too much either. It was bearable. But I don't know I felt so scared. I knew he wasn't choking me that way but I was so scared, I thought I was going to die. I had those weird flashbacks again. 

Fuck

I thought it would've gone away. 

It's still there. It keeps coming back to me no matter what.

I kicked his ribs with my knee to get him off me. I don't know what I was thinking. 

Even when he was not on top of me anymore, I felt this weird pressure around my throat like someone was choking me. 

The images. They were so vivid. I felt like I was in that room again and I was nine again. I could see the outline of those men. I could see everything like I was in that moment again. I was crying for help again. I cried. Fuck.

H signing out.

5/7/16  

Today we went to a club. We got in because Heechul knew the bouncer and then we got fucking sloshed. Heechul says I said yes for a threesome with a stranger and we did it in the washroom but all I remember is red and purple lights, the cold tiled walls and Heechul naked in front of a mirror. 

Oh I also remember being bent over the wash basin area and a hand pulling my hair. 

Heechul said I had fun. I guess I believe him.

H signing out.

8/7/16

It’s been a week. We’ve been fucking every single day for a week now and the location and positions keep getting more and more interesting. It’s exhilarating!

I FUCKING LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday we were doing it in one of the staff rooms while everyone was downstairs for an event. He took a paper cutter from a teacher’s desk and I learnt in that very first instant ways of using a knife that does not involve stabbing . As the sharp edge pricked my throat, I was terrified to move a single muscle in my body. I focused all my energy on keeping my body still, feet grounded, and his warm breath on my neck and his cock in between my legs, pushing painfully into me. Even the slightest attempt to scream made the blade dig deeper into my throat. 

He traced the tip of the blade down my back while thrusting into so fast I though my hips would snap.

Nothing compares to that.

Nothing. 

H signing out.

11/7/16

Heechul says he loves me. All the time. Every time after sex he kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me. I don’t understand. I never say it back but he doesn’t give up. 

No, he says “love you too” like I have said it first. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind.

And he never stops calling me muffin. I hate that. 

H signing out.

12/7/16

Heechul never says no to me. He is ready to have sex all the time and it is exciting every time. Last night I wasn't sleepy so I asked if he wanted to meet. 

‘On my way’ He texted back within a minute.

We fucked in my dorm while Chanhyuk was sleeping and when I said he might wake up from the noise, Heechul laughed and said. “I am going to kill him anyway”

That’s not even the best part.

Chanhyuk actually woke up from the noise and Heechul beat the fuck out of him. He beat him so much, Chanhyuk died. He actually died on the spot. LMAO

Heechul put a finger under his nose to check if he was breathing. Then he turned to me. “He’s dead”

“Now what?” I asked. I wasn't going to clean this up. If he tried to walk out on me, I would blame everything on him and then kill him before he goes to prison. 

Instead, Heechul climbed back in bed, positioning himself over me. “Let’s finish what we were doing”

 Last night was really the best night of my life. 

I didn’t know having sex while there’s dead body in the same room could be so exciting. Chanhyuk lay lifeless, eyes wide open staring at me while Heechul tugged at my hair and bruised me with his bites.

__________

The diary entries somehow made Donghae fall asleep.

He woke up all groggy and confused with no sense of time or place. He had slept so well, his face and hands had imprints of the bed sheet creases. 

The sun had set. Great. He had slept through lunchtime. No wonder his stomach was making that weird noise. Donghae waddled to the kitchen and swung open the fridge door, looking for something to eat. 

They were running low on everything. Condiments, vegetables, fruits, soft drinks, chocolate milk, everything. Donghae smiled when he spotted the item he wanted. Leftover avocado toast from morning that Hyukjae had specifically asked him to not keep for later. 

You said not to have it for dinner but you never said I can’t have it as an evening snack.

Donghae carefully placed the sliced into the microwave and watched it rotate for a minute. Avocado toast was one thing Hyukjae couldn’t go wrong with and it was actually delicious, even after reheating.

Donghae carried his snack to the living room and brought out the remaining pages to read. He comfortably settled on the sofa when Hyukjae called.

“Hey…” Hyukjae still seemed kinda low, but better than morning.

“Hii, what’s up?”

“On my way back. What are you doing?”

Donghae glanced at the pages on his lap. “....Chilling”

“Did you get my parcel? Is it nice? Did you open it??”

Oh shit.

Donghae facepalmed. 

“I got it” He lied, scurrying to the door to get it. “I haven’t opened it though, we’ll open it together.” 

There was nothing at the door. Donghae almost asked whether or not it was delivered but he bit back his words. 

“Sure!” Hyukjae said, delighted. He loved unpacking random parcels.

Donghae checked the mailbox but the parcel wasn't there either. 

Then he remembered the thief children of their neighbourhood that Hyukjae was talking about in the morning. His boyfriend asked him to do one thing and he couldn’t even do that. 

Fortunately, they had one of those video doorbells where you can see who was at your door. Donghae stomped towards the device, swearing to catch the little thieves. 

He rewinded the clip of the day. He saw himself with Hyukjae while he was leaving in the morning. The rest of the day was normal with people, cars, bicycles and pets swarming the streets like a normal neighbourhood. Donghae forwarded it until he saw the delivery guy with a parcel. He rang the bell thrice. Donghae must’ve been in deep sleep. 

The guy waited for a while but when nobody showed up, he kept the parcel on the floor and left. 

Now was the time to find the thieves. 

Donghae forwarded a few minutes until he saw someone coming towards the camera. It was a man, dressed in all black, a mask and a cap. Exactly like the stalker he saw yesterday. He picked up the parcel and entered the house. 

He...... entered the house.

Donghae frantically forwarded the clip until it came to an end. 

There was no sign of the guy leaving.

Chapter Text

Donghae was stunned by what he just saw. 

He slowly stepped back, whipping his head to all sides to see if he could catch anything unusual. 

The house was dead silent. Donghae could hear the pounding of his heart, loud and clear. There was no point in looking for whoever was in the house. He could wait till Hyukjae reached and then they could search for that person together. Yes. That made more sense. Why rush into danger alone? That’s how people die in horror movies.

Donghae silently pulled out a chair and placed it against a corner formed by two walls. He pulled the dining table close, locking himself in between the triangle formed by the two walls and the table. 

Donghae pulled his knees up close to his chest, his mobile clenched tightly in hand. 

The silence made his stomach churn.

The door closed. 

Donghae whipped his head towards the passage, though he couldn’t see anything from the angle he was sitting in. 

He bet some door opened or closed. He clearly heard the knob turn and click.

Donghae shifted in his chair, drawing his knees closer and restlessly clawing at the fabric of his shorts. His gaze shuffled rapidly, picking up the slightest noise. Creaking of the wooden floorboard, shuffling of feet, Donghae could feel the presence loitering in the hallway. 

“Come out!” He shouted. 

There was only silence after the echoes of his boisterous voice died out. 

Donghae waited.

“COME OUT!” 

Somebody giggled. It was coming from the hallway and only if Donghae hadn’t trapped himself behind the table, he’d be able to bend forward and take a look. 

He heard footsteps making their way towards the living room. One moment they were there and the next moment, they were gone. 

Silence, silence, silence. 

Ticking of the wall clock filled the room. Donghae never noticed how loud it was until right now. It sounded like a ticking bomb. 

But Donghae wasn't scared as such. He was in a safe place. H or whoever it was in his house couldn’t surprise him. Nothing could scare him. 

Or maybe one thing.

Lights went out.

No no no no no no no fuck!

Donghae hated being in the dark. It suffocated him. Before he knew, he was gasping for air, massaging the base of his throat trying not to breathe too loud. He pushed back, against the chair, curling up as much as he could. 

He wasn't afraid of the dark because he couldn’t see anything. He was afraid because he could. If he stared long enough, darkness started shaping into vague scary shapes that watched him. They moved when he wasn't watching and kept crawling closer and closer. 

An uneasy warmth enveloped his chest, creeping up his neck and face. His hands felt cold against his face that was layered with sweat and heat. 

Donghae clenched the hem of shorts, trying to maintain his composure. Every breath resulted in a mild pain in his chest. He rolled his head back against the wall, panting. 

It’s okay. Nobody’s there. Nobody’s there. Nobody’s watching you.

Donghae looked down, clasping his clammy hands together. 

There was a loud thud that he assumed came from his room. Some dull, some really loud like something hard had been dropped. Donghae shut his eyes tighter with every successive sound. 

It stopped after a while.

Complete silence.

A heavy glass item smashed to the floor making Donghae cower. His calves tingled, itching to make a run for it but he couldn’t. The darkness made him so vulnerable.

It’s okay. You’re fine. Just breathe. Keep breathing. You can do this. You’re fine.

Something clattered to the floor very close by. 

“Oops,” A man giggled. Donghae could see a faint silhouette on the other side of the table. It bent down to pick whatever had dropped and dragged a chair in front of Donghae, to sit. 

Donghae clutched the side of the chair, pursing his trembling lips.

“Hi there, nice to……. not see you?” He chuckled. 

“Who are you?” Donghae asked, trying not to falter.

“Don’t be so impatient Donghae”

He knew his name but Donghae didn’t even recognize the voice.

The figure sprang from his chair, pushing a sharp blade against Donghae’s throat. 

He froze. 

The cleaver. 

“H…”

The blade nimbly pressed down on his windpipe, making it difficult to breathe.

“You’re not gonna kill me.” 

He laughed bitterly. “You think so?”

“You can’t kill me. Hyukjae will be here any minute and you don’t have enough time to kill me and cover up for it” Donghae spoke even if the knife threatened to pierce his throat with every word.

“Oh but I'm not going to kill you,” He replied. “so soon”

“What do you want?”

“I want H.”

Donghae blinked in confusion. “H?”

The knife moved away from his throat and was gently traced down the side of his face. “He betrayed me.” He dragged across his jaw, propping Donghae’s chin on the tip. “Every single day, for three years I’ve been only thinking of how to kill him and when I finally found him, he was living life like a normal person?” He scoffed. “Like nothing ever happened? Like he never killed anyone?”

Donghae swallowed thickly. “Who is H….”

“I could tell you but you won’t believe me” He leaned back in the chair. “All those cameras and microphones, you think I put them here?? They’ve been here for a long time, Donghae. I just accessed it”

“Who is H?”

Bright yellow light flashed past the window. Hyukjae had arrived.

The man rushed to the kitchen. 

Donghae heard the kitchen window slide open as the guy jumped out onto the grass backyard and ran away.   He could’ve followed him or shouted for help or done something to catch the guy, but his mind was clouded with one thought and one thought only. 

H……is Hyukjae

“Baby I’m hom— Donghae?” Hyukjae called, looking around in the dark. “Donghae??”

“Lights are out.”

“Ugh, this fuse box keeps tripping, I’m so done with it ” Hyukjae grumbled as he went back to the garage to check the fuse box. 

That’s when Donghae realised that there were two fuse boxes. One in the garage and the other in the basement. Whoever had come in did not trip it from the garage. 

They did it from the basement. 

As soon as all the lights came back on, Donghae rushed to the end of the hallway to the basement door. 

It was locked. 

“Sorry you had to sit in the dark, I know you’re afraid of it. You should’ve come out” 

Donghae heard Hyukjae’s voice in the distant living room. The mystery man’s words played in his mind like a broken tape. 

I want H.....

The camera and microphones have been here for a long time.....

He is living like a normal person.....

No. Hyukjae cannot be H. He is a cop. He can’t be more different from a serial killer.

Donghae jumped when a hand clasped his shoulder. 

“What happened?” Hyukjae asked, a bit startled. “What are you looking at??” 

“Where are the keys to the basement?”

Hyukjae shrugged, glancing at the shut door. “Jongwoon used to keep them with him” 

“Where is it now?”

“Must be somewhere in the wardrobe. I don’t know. I never checked”

“You never tried to open the basement after Jongwoon disappeared????”

“There’s nothing to see there.” He remarked sternly.

"What if he’s hiding there?” 

“Who????”

“Jongwoon!”

“Donghae… Do you even hear yourself?” 

“I am just saying that he could be—”

“The basement’s been locked for more than two years!” Hyukjae snapped.

“There’s an entry from the garage….”

“Go take a look at it then. It’s been sealed shut with cement.”

Donghae stared back absolutely dumbfounded. It was stupid to even think that a human could be hiding down there for years.

“Still think Jongwoon’s in there? I’ll break the goddamn lock if you wanna see for yourself” 

“Sorry…”

Irritated, Hyukjae pushed past him, stomping to their bedroom.

“Hyukie I’m sorry~” Donghae followed. “ I didn’t mean to—”

“What the fuck happened here!?” 

The bedroom was a mess. Pillows on the floors, sheets untucked and crumpled, books had been knocked down from the shelves and a beautiful china vase lay shattered on the floor. 

Hyukjae turned to him, his anger having changed to worry. “Are you okay?? What happened??”

Donghae’s gaze was fixed on the mess. He recollected the sound of the books being thrown on the floor and the vase shattering loudly. 

“Donghae say something” Hyukjae shook him by the shoulders.

“I just….I-I don’t… Uhhh… the lights were out and I got a bit scared and knocked stuff down”

Hyukjae sighed in relief. “God, you scared me!” He hugged him gently, fingers curling into Donghae’s hair. “Be careful baby. You could’ve hurt yourself”

Donghae hugged his waist tightly. 

Hyukjae could not be H. No way.

__________

4 : 28 am

Donghae stared at the digital clock sitting on the bedside table. He couldn’t sleep.

Hyukjae’s arm was draped over his waist as usual, but for the first time Donghae wasn't sure if he liked it. He gently lifted it and placed it back on the bed. He grabbed Hyukjae’s phone from the desk and headed out.

Hyukjae had no family, none that Donghae knew of. Donghae had met only one of his colleagues when he had come over once for dinner. His name was Hankyung and they had been working together for a few years now.

In all honesty, Donghae didn’t believe that Hyukjae could be H. Against the one man claiming that he is, Donghae had numerous reasons to believe he wasn't, the first one being that Hyukjae cared about him. 

That can be faked. A small voice in his head reminded.

Faked for what? Why was he faking it all for the past one year? 

See? Dead end. 

Nothing justified Hyukjae being H.

Donghae copied Hankyung’s number into his phone and called him. 

“Hello?” A groggy voice answered.

“Hey, Hankyung, it’s me Donghae”

“Hi…. Is everything okay? Is Hyukjae home yet?”

“Oh yes, yes he reached home long ago. I’m sorry to call you so late, I wanted to ask you something…. about Hyukjae”

“What?”

“You’ve known him for a long time, right… What kind of a person is he?”

“You called me so late to ask this?”

Donghae chuckled nervously. “It’s a bit urgent. How is he normally…. I mean I know he’s really protective about me but what about others? How is he with others??”

Hankyung took a while to answer. 

“....He’s good I guess?”

“Have you ever felt anything unusual about him? Like, like something off. Like something that maybe you felt was very unlike him?”

Donghae’s questions and thoughts were all over the place and he was confusing half dazed Hankyung even more. He didn’t know what answer he expected. 

“Donghae, you can stop beating around the bush and ask what exactly do you want to know”

Donghae sighed. 

“Is Hyukjae a good person?”

This was the most diluted form of his question. He couldn’t bring himself to actually ask whether or not his boyfriend was a serial killer. 

“Alright, I get it”

“You do??”

“It was Jongwoon’s birthday today. Look I get it, you must be feeling insecure because of how much he….... feels for Jongwoon but trust me, he really loves you. Not being able to find Jongwoon is the biggest regret of his life and you gotta give him time to get over it”

Donghae shook his head. “That’s not what I meant…..”

“He is a good person who really loves you and he is shit scared of losing you. Hence the hypervigilance. He doesn’t want the same thing to happen to you what happened to Jongwoon”

“What happened to him?”

Hankyung paused, contemplating if he should tell him or not.

“I promise I won’t tell Hyukie you told me”

“Fine. But, don’t mention that to him please, not even accidentally. Jongwoon was being stalked."

Donghae's stomach dropped.

"He said somebody was following him. A masked man or something. He was so scared that he stopped leaving the house”

Donghae paced the living room, restlessly. 

“Once Hyukjae and I found him hiding in the basement because he said somebody was inside the house and was trying to kill him”

Donghae felt pangs of shiver crawl up his neck. Everything was so similar.

“Didn’t you try to find who it was??”

“Hyukjae didn’t”

“What do you mean?”

“He believed it was all in Jongwoon’s head, and very firmly so. He didn’t even entertain the idea that there might be someone, you know, like an actual stalker.” Hankyung replied.  “I was no one to interfere in their life. If Hyukjae said it was nothing, I didn’t think it was important either. But I kid you not, the terror on Jongwoon’s face looked so real. He blocked one of the basement’s exits and kept the key with him so he could hide downstairs. Other times he kept it locked so nobody else could enter”

“.....Do you think Jongwoon was imagining things??”

“I don’t know. Maybe? Or maybe there really was someone and they took Jongwoon away from under a cop’s nose. You see, that's why Hyukjae is so guilty. It was really sad, what happened” Hankyung sighed. “But I’m glad you were there to support him”

Donghae hung up and headed to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. He couldn’t understand Hyukjae’s behaviour. All this time he thought that if he told Hyukjae about the stalker, he would become more paranoid. But that wasn't the case with Jongwoon. Why would he take it so lightly back then? 

This all started with those pages from the diary that somehow landed in his mail. Did someone want Donghae to know the truth? If so, who? And who the hell was that masked intruder. How did he get in!?

Everything brought him back to the same conclusion.

Hyukjae is H.

No. Donghae didn’t believe it. 

He downed a tall glass of water and slammed it down on the counter. The brand new cleaver that was about to slit his throat sometime ago, lay on the counter. A picture of Hyukjae cutting human fingers with it flashed in Donghae's mind, He brushed it off immediately and put the knife in the drawer, deep somewhere he couldn't see it.

As he walked back to his room, he found a page under one of the chairs. It might’ve fluttered away in the whole mess that happened in the evening. 

It was the continuation of an entry.

Heechul wants me to kill some stupid high school kid called Choi Siwon.

Chapter Text

Fun fact, Chanhyuk wasn't really dead. His pulse and breathing was really low. Heechul didn’t even realise that. I told him when I saw Chanhyuk’s eye twitch. 

“It’s okay,” Heechul shrugged. “He’ll die when I bury him”

Well, he wasn't wrong.

I enjoyed him doing all the clean up work while I watched. 

H singing out.

13/7/16

Heechul said if I kill for him, he’ll take it as quote unquote, my declaration of love for him. I told him I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if he was run over by a car tomorrow. But he always says that one cringe sentence. “Muffin, you’re in denial”

I don’t take favours. Once I am done killing whoever he wants, I am out. Sex with him is amazing but not worth all the things he says with the word ‘love’ in it. Either he doesn’t get the concept of FWB or he chooses to ignore it. 

Heechul wants me to kill some stupid high school kid called Choi Siwon. Like, seriously? Now I have to murder a kid. Why can’t he do it himself? It’s not even that difficult.

H singing out.

14/7/16

I know now why Heechul can’t kill him. The kid reported him for stalking and harassment a few months ago. He’d be the first suspect. 

I can’t emphasize enough on how dumb that is. He went to prison for that. Should I recheck what he has done with Chanhyuk? I really doubt his skills now.

When you stalk or harass someone, you either instil so much fear that they don’t dare to speak of it or you don’t leave them alive enough to speak of it. If I was in his place I would I’ll never be in his place. His sex drive is like that of an animal who has been denied sex for years. 

He said he liked him because he looked good and he really does look good. Guess I’ll start with his pretty face. I’ll carve my name on his face.

H singing out.

Donghae paused to look at his arm that had Hyukjae’s name carved in it. The alphabet’s weren’t prominent but anyone could figure it was a word, a name. He traced the pink scar with his thumb. It was protruding, more in some points where the cut was deeper. 

Did… Hyukie do this to me…?

Donghae kept pushing the thought to the back of his mind.

16/7/16

Siwon’s rich as fuck. He lives in a highrise in Gangnam. Should I kidnap him and ask for ransom I am really considering it. 

H singing out.

18/6/16

I bought a school uniform of his school and got in today. I stayed in the washroom during the lectures and looked for him during the break. He is always surrounded by people. Even when he’s walking down the corridor alone, he starts small talk with other kids and teachers. 

This isn’t gonna be easy. He knows so many people. Okay maybe I’ll keep the kidnapping idea on hold for now. I need to figure out a way to talk to him first.

H singing out.  

23/6/16

No success. 

He’s never alone. I’ve spent so many days tailing him. He comes and goes back in a car and the time he’s in the school, he is with someone. This isn’t as easy as I thought. And Heechul says he wants to watch while I carve HIS name on Siwon’s face. He stole my fucking idea. This is why I hate taking favours. I should’ve killed Chanhyuk myself and not gotten involved with Heechul. He's gotten exponentially annoying. Keeps teasing me about how I'm afraid of being choked.

H singing out. 

24/6/16

The janitor saw me today and asked which class I was from. I said the first thing that came to my mind and turns out, that class was down for gym class. He shoved me out of the washroom, asking me to stop bunking. I had to really fucking hold myself back from poking holes into him. It doesn’t feel good when people don’t fear me, when they think they can walk over me. Heechul too. Just because he was able to overpower me once, he thinks I am his friend. Once Siwon is dealt with, I’ll deal with him too. 

30/6/16

I GOT MY BREAKTHROUGH!!!! FINALLY!!!

Siwon came to the washroom alone during a lecture. I was hiding in the stall and he went inside the one next to me. I stabbed my thigh with a pen and stumbled out when I heard him flushing. I fell to the ground clutching my bleeding leg.

“Omg are you okay!? What happened!??” He shrieked, kneeling to take a look at my wound.

“I am fine…. please leave..”

“You’re bleeding! Who did this to you!? We gotta take you to the infirmary right now” He caught my arm.

“No!”  I backed away. “I can’t… please leave me alone”

He looked so worried like I was his friend or something. This guy is way dumber than I thought.

I wrapped my handkerchief around the wound and told him that I was fine. He helped me stand up and I pretended to wince and trip with every other step. 

“Can you please tell me what happened? How did you get hurt?” 

“Some seniors bullied me….”

“Don’t you worry. We’ll complain to the principal! Come on!”

“I don’t want to complain”

“Don’t be scared~ I am Siwon and I promise I will not let you suffer”

“Please… I just moved here and if my parents come to know, they will scold me”

“But it’s not even your fault!”

“Please Siwon” I clasped his hands tightly. “Please don’t tell the teachers. I just moved here from a small town. I am already scared thinking about how I’ll fit in with these people. If you tell the teachers, everyone will laugh at me…” I let go of his hand and looked down. “I won’t have any friends…. again”

He fell for it so quickly, I had to cover my mouth so he wouldn't see me laughing.

He put a hand on my shoulder and craned his neck down to see if I was crying. “Hey, hey I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want to…. and don’t say you don’t have friends. You have me now”

I looked up and smiled at him, somehow at the same time a teardrop rolled down my cheek and it added a hint of genuinity. Feel like my body knows when to lie.

Know what’s easier than murdering drug addicts? Murdering sissy 15 year old boys who think they can solve world problems with their niceness.

H signing out.  

Donghae wasn't surprised Siwon did something like this but he kept growing impatient by the second. Even when Siwon was alive and well now, he couldn’t help feel scared for him.

4/7/16

The last few days were hard. Siwon kept insisting that I meet his friends and that they are as nice as him. So long I escaped by giving him excuses like I have social anxiety, I am getting late for class, I’ll meet them next time etc. I meet him after school in the two minutes span from the moment he part ways with his friends at the gate and walks till his car. I try not to appear before him before that. I have also timed my arrival with him. He’s alone for about ten minutes in the morning because he’s the first one to come.  

H signing out.

9/7/16

I’ve been telling him repeatedly how back in my old school my friends and I used to ride home on bicycles and have so much fun on the way. So today Siwon fought with his mom to let him take the bicycle to school. Dumbwit.

I knew he’d do this. These rich kids don’t appreciate luxury for some reason? Why would you come on a bicycle when you have the option of a car? I really wanted to sit in his pretty car once. It had a sunroof. I even considered it when he offered to drop me home yesterday. Apparently it’s a thrill for him to do something like this. 

Everything went as I had expected. We cycled back home together and I told him that I lived just a few blocks away from him. 

He lives in a house that’s situated on a slope. So while we were nearing it, I swerved onto the footpath and rammed my cycle into a wall. 

Note to self : Don’t do a fucking stoppie and bang your head into a stone wall again. 

My head hit against a metal nameplate and it scraped off some of my scalp. Siwon is going to pay for all the times I injured myself to get his attention.

I groaned and fell down, holding my head. It didn't even hurt that bad.

He took me to his house as I expected. Did his parents not teach him to not get strangers at home?????

His bedroom was on the first floor. It was beautiful. It was so huge and had a balcony. His bathroom had a bathtub and his bed had the most royal looking sheets. They smelled expensive. The whole room reeked of wealth. I LOVED IT!

He returned with some first aid stuff and snacks. 

For the one hour I was there, he spilled everything about what his parents did, when they came home, when he was home alone, what time he attended tuitions and stuff. All I had to do was smile and nod.

It's going to be so much fun to kill him.

H signing out.

“Donghae?”

Donghae’s heart skipped a beat when he heard Hyukjae’s sleepy voice. 

It was 5:30 am.

“What are you reading so early in the morning?”

Donghae quickly sprang up, shaking his head. “Nothing”

Hyukjae covered his mouth as he yawned and stepped forward to hug him, gingerly placing his chin on Donghae’s shoulder. “I am so sleepy~ I don’t wanna go to work”

Donghae couldn’t help thinking of H as Hyukjae because everything makes so much sense that way, but he hugged him back nonetheless. 

“Hyukie….”

“Hmm?”

“I love you”

Hyukjae pulled back, cupping his cheeks with a gummy smile. His hair was poking out in all direction and his eyes were little slits when he smiled. This person meant everything to Donghae. He loved Hyukjae. He loved him no matter what. Even if he used to be a murderer. He didn’t feel sad for those who died. He didn’t even know them. 

“I love you too baby”

Donghae believed him.

“Have you ever committed a crime?”

Hyukjae's eyebrows cocked. “What?”

“Have you ever committed a crime?”

“No”

Lie.

But Donghae believed him.

“How did your parents die?”

“Umm…. fire accident. Why?”

The accident you caused.

But Donghae believed him. He was going to believe all his lies as long as Hyukjae didn’t lie about one thing.

“You really love me…. right?”

“I love you a lot” Hyukjae pressed a kiss on his forehead. “What’s going on now? Why are you behaving so weird?”

“I was kept in the dark too long. It fucked with my mind I guess”

Hyukjae chuckled. “Huh??”

“The darkness. Yesterday, I was sitting without lights for quite some time ....”  He kissed him. “I can see everything now. Light feels good. I love you. I love you so much, you have no idea”

__________

6:10 am.

Hyukjae was getting ready for work while Donghae sat on the bed, hands bundled in his lap, watching him. 

“Any reason you’re staring at me?” Hyukjae asked, glancing at Donghae’s reflection in the mirror while he fixed his wet hair. 

Donghae only blinked back in response. He hadn’t slept all night and he had so much on his mind, he couldn’t form sentences.

Hyukjae caressed his cheek lightly. “You good?”

“I’m fine”

“Anything you wanna talk about?”

Donghae shook his head, staring back blankly. 

Hyukjae kneeled before him, resting his arms on Donghae’s lap. “Baby, you look disturbed” He gently clasped his hand. “What’s wrong? Don’t say nothing . I can see something’s bothering you”

“Why do you love me?”

He smiled, pulling Donghae’s hand forward to rest his chin on them. “Because everything about you is so lovable…. You showed me what mad love is. You make my life worthwhile Donghae”

Donghae’s head hung low. “Why do I not remember it then?”

Hyukjae gently lifted his chin. “You will… soon”

“It’s been more than a year Hyukie”

“These things take time… You were really badly injured, especially your head”

“Did I really jump in front of a car?”

Hyukjae nodded. He sat on the bed next to him, putting a hand around his shoulder. “I can’t promise when you’ll remember it but what I can promise you is that the memories we make in the future will be pretty”

“Really? You promise?” 

“Pinky promise”

Donghae turned around, straddling him. He locked his feet at the small of his back and buried his face in the curve of his neck. "Don't go"

"This is new" Hyukjae chuckled. "but I really gotta go..."

Donghae shook his head, wrapping his arms and legs tighter around him. 

"There's been an interesting murder—I mean gruesome... and Hankyung will come over and drag me to the precinct if I don't go. So.." He tried pulling Donghae away but he wouldn't move. "Donghae~"

"No"

"Okaayyy I'll take you with me" Hyukjae pushed off the bed effortlessly like there wasn't another human on him. 

"I'm really taking you" He repeated as he walked to the living room, collecting his badge from a drawer. "And everyone's gonna see you're a baby"

Donghae didn't budge. 

Hyukjae shoved his gun and badge in the back pockets. His hands supported Donghae's thighs as he raised him higher and pushed him against a wall.

Donghae pulled away, hands on Hyukjae's shoulders, looking at him in surprise. 

"Or, when I come home... we can have some fun" He mumbled, nuzzling his neck. 

Donghae giggled, "Okaayyyy"

If this was H. He didn’t mind. He believed he made the right choice. He trusted his instincts.

__________

Donghae wanted to be sure. He wanted a final confirmation that Hyukjae was H. Part of him was still on the fence with this. He wanted Hyukjae to show him how he really was but he wasn't sure how he would react to it. Maybe Hyukjae doesn’t want him to know. 

Donghae was beginning to understand what might’ve happened to Jongwoon. He might’ve found out about Hyukjae and ran away. Maybe that was why Hyukjae felt so sad about him disappearing. Donghae wasn't going to leave him. 

He was going to catch this masked intruder before he got to Hyukjae. And for that, Donghae needed more information.

So he called the one person who could put all his doubts to end. 

Siwon.

“Donghae hyung~ What’s up?”

Donghae felt odd. He just read about Hyukjae wanting to kill Siwon and now he was talking to a very delighted Siwon.

“Where are you? Can you come over?”

“Right now???” 

“Yes right now”

“What happened? Is that stalker still behind you?!”

“Just come over. I want to talk about something important”

“What?????”

“Come over Choi Siwon.”

“I’ll be there in half an hour”

“No, faster”

“Okay twenty five”

“Faster”

“Hyung I can’t fly!”

__________

12/7/16

I believe in KARMA NOW. Choi Siwon isn’t Choi Siwon. He’s my brother Siwon. He’s that ungrateful 4 year old asshole who I helped escape from the torture. I fucking took it all to protect him and he didn’t come back for me. 

I went to his place today and when he wasn't around I started snooping around to search for anything expensive that I could take. His drawer was full of useless shit, so I looked into his wardrobe. The locked drawers usually have something interesting and the keys were kept somewhere around too. I found an antique pocket watch. I picked it because it looked like it would sell for a good price in some years. 

What do I find underneath the pocket watch? Some old pictures of Siwon from 2005. Back when he had been rescued from there and I wasn't. I helped him run away thinking he’d come back to take me. 

Everything in that room would’ve been mine. I would’ve had a happy life too. 

No.

This isn’t fair. It’s not fair that he doesn’t remember me or what all I did so they wouldn’t fucking touch him. 

Like my childhood was ruined, I will ruin his life now.

He must know. He must feel every inch of pain I did. 

This isn’t only Heechul’s revenge now. It’s mine. 

H signing out.

"What the fuck!?" Donghae frowned. 

He had never seen Hyukjae or Siwon talk, like ever. Maybe once when they both had come to see him at the hospital after the accident. Then too they weren't talking like they knew each other. If Donghae remembered correctly, they were meeting for the first time then.

Why did neither of them tell him that they were brothers? 

It was unsettling. 

This wasn't something he expected Hyukjae to lie to him about. There was no need to lie about it. Unless....... they were planning something? Donghae dismissed that thought. He had never seen anything suspicious happening between them. 

Okay, maybe Hyukjae just doesn't want to talk about his early life and that's why he never told him. But what about Siwon? Siwon told him everything. Like H said, all he had to do was nod and smile while Siwon went on and on about his life. Donghae thought he knew everything about him. 

13/7/16

I miss my old diary. I had made so many drawings of what I would do to Siwon if I ever found him. Now that I HAVE found him, I can’t decide. There’s so much I want to do. 

H signing out.

17/7/16

I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t kill him.

I was prepared. Everything was fucking perfect. He came to the place I asked him to come. I had everything ready. Iron rods, axes, nails, wood, ropes. 

Then I saw him crying, a nd it wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it would be. I have WAITED for this day!

I was looking at him. I was hitting him but I was not hitting HIM.  He reminded me of when he used to cry when he was little.  I saw that little boy when I saw him.

There's a reason why I bust my ass to protect him from them. He was the only person who ever needed me. 

I really tried hard to kill him. I tried to strangle him. I tried to stab him but I couldn’t. 

I HATE HIM

I hate him because when he escaped he didn’t need me anymore. He forgot me. 

I will always fucking hate him for that. I took his share of torture for no reason. I have never hated someone SO MUCH! BUT I STILL CANNOT KILL HIM

I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY!

I WANT HIM TO DIE!

I cannot.

I let him go.

I told him that Heechul will kill him if I don’t and I also told him how happy I’ll be if he dies. I told him everything. I told him that he should be careful he never comes across me again because I will definitely stab him then. 

I won’t.

He doesn’t need to know that

H signing out.

Chapter Text

18/7/16

I told Heechul that I couldn’t kill him. First he refused to believe me. He thought I was joking.

“Oh muffin, you’re too funny” He said, patting my arm.

“I am not going to kill Siwon.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to”

He shoved me against a wall, pinning my shoulders down. “I don’t care if you like it or not. We had a deal”

“Kill him yourself if you want”

His fingers closed around my throat painfully. I really wished at that moment that he would kill me. I hate myself for not being able to murder Siwon.

“Don’t mess with me muffin. You HAVE to kill him.”

“No” I croaked.

“WHY!” 

His face was burning with rage. I wish I could tell him that I hate myself as much as he does right now. 

“I don’t want—”

He punched me in the face before I could complete my sentence. My head struck the wall and I fell down. Excruciating pain coursed through my whole face and I felt lightheaded. There were black blotches all over my vision and everything grew blur.

Heechul’s voice seeped through the fog in my senses.  He seized my hair and turned my face up. I felt dizzy from the sudden movement, eyelids growing heavier with each second. Blood cascaded down my parted lips and suddenly the metallic taste filled my mouth. 

I blinked trying to focus on what he said.

“You have to kill him!” 

“No” I replied from whatever strength was left in me.

“Muffin if you don’t, I will and I will kill both of you” I felt his warm breath on my lips. “I’ll make sure it’s really fucking painful”

He bit my lower lip harshly, tugging at it until I groaned and pushed him away. He left me with two deep bleeding cuts.

He roughly rubbed the blood off with his thumb and licked it clean. “Your lips won’t be the only thing bleeding next time”

It happened this morning. I skipped lectures because I collapsed as soon as I reached my room. 

I am better now and I have a plan to keep Heechul away from me. Forever.

I am not doing this for Siwon. I am doing it for myself.

H signing out.

20/7/16

I told Heechul that I would kill Siwon for him tomorrow but on one condition, we will have sex in the boys washroom in lunch break.

“It’s too crowded muffin” He said, but his eyes twinkled at the idea of fucking in a public place with so many people. I knew he was imagining me bouncing on his cock inside a bathroom stall.

That was my idea too. Many people, many witnesses. 

We were in the middle of it. I was sitting on him, legs wrapped around his waist while he pumped in and out of me. It was so rough, I know he wanted to hurt me. Like a punishment. His sharp nails dug into my skin and h e bit my collarbone to muffle his moans. 

He clutched my waist, spearing me onto his dick, hitting my prostate. Fuck! that was amazing. 

That was the right moment. 

I ran out, half naked, screaming and shouting for help. The look on Heechul’s face was worth seeing. This was the first time I caught him off guard. It took him a moment to sink in WHAT I was doing. 

“HELP! He’s trying to rape me!” I broke down outside, crying for help.

Heechul froze under the gaze of all the students. For a few seconds. Then he pounced on me, thrashing me against the wall. He sat on my chest, punching me until I couldn’t feel my face. I knew he could see me smile behind all those tears and snot. 

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!” He growled.

My head and face was soaked in blood, so much I couldn’t figure where I was bleeding from anymore. Heechul broke my nose and gave me black eye and hit my jaw so hard I can’t talk or eat anymore. It really hurts. 

None of the students stepped in to help me. I expected that from these losers. After an eternity some teacher tore him away and I blacked out.

We were taken to the principal. They even called Taeyoung. I sat quietly in a corner while Heechul was being lectured by the principal. My heavily bruised and swollen face played in my favour. There was a tiny bald spot where he ripped my hair off while he was pulled off of me. My left eye is swollen and I can’t open it anymore.

Taeyoung wasn't having it though. He had come with the police who told the principal that Heechul had been imprisoned earlier too. 

I also told them that he murdered Chanhyuk and gave them the exact location. Chanhyuk’s stoner friends vouched for the fact that Heechul and Chanhyuk fought a lot. I told them that he had been "sexually assaulting" me so I wouldn't complain that he killed my INNOCENT roommate.

Everything went so smoothly, I thought I was dreaming.

The police handcuffed him and took him, all the while he was glaring at me. Taeyoung said he’ll be in prison for a couple years at least.

I have been giving a month’s holiday to “RECOVER” 

H signing out.

Donghae took a deep breath and put the pages aside. No wonder Heechul was coming for Hyukjae. But what was the point of sending him all this? 

Donghae saw Siwon’s car pulling into the driveway, through the window. He shoved the pages into his pocket and went to open the door.

“Hellooo” 

“Do you have a brother?” Donghae asked, blocking Siwon at the door.

“Huh?”

“Do you have a brother? Like, a biological one.”

Siwon took a brief moment to reply.

“…No”

“Stay right there” He nudged him back. “Not to set foot inside my house until you tell the truth”

Okay maybe that rule didn’t apply to Hyukjae, but whatever. Donghae made the rules.

“What truth?????” Siwon frowned.

“Hyukjae’s your brother right?”

“No he’s not. What made you think that?”

“What makes me think that?” Donghae grabbed his hand, slamming the bundle of pages on his palm. “This!” 

Siwon unrolled the bundle and started reading it. His eyebrows strung together as he struggled to read the shabby handwriting and then suddenly his eyes widened. He looked up at Donghae in bewilderment. “Hyung….. what is this….”

“These are pages from Hyukjae’s diary. Now tell me. Hyukjae is your brother isn’t he? Why did you lie to me? You said I am the closest you have to a brother”

Siwon didn’t hear what he was saying. He was too engrossed in reading, the tension growing in his body with every sentence. 

“Siwon”

“Throw this!” He blurted. “Throw it away. Tear it. Just—just throw all of this away please!”

“What—no, I have to tell Hyukjae, Heechul sent me all these and he’s coming for him! He snuck into our house last night! I had to change the lock on the door today because somehow he knows the password!”

You cannot tell him!” The fear on Siwon's face made him nervous. “Why do you have to tell him????Don’t tell him!”

"Why not??"

“Wait—Who snuck into your house?”

“Heechul. Bet you know who that is”

Colour drained from Siwon’s face. “He’s out of prison…” He grabbed Donghae, squeezing his shoulders. “Listen to me carefully. Get out of here. Go to some other country for sometime! Don’t go anywhere alone please and—and these papers, throw them. Hyukjae should not find them! And I.. I-I’ll leave the country for sometime too. Heechul won’t leave me. He—he won’t leave me. He said he’ll find me. He said he’d come for me when he gets out of prison” 

Siwon bolted down the steps of the verandah, towards his car.

“Siwon! Hey wait!” Siwon ignored the voice calling out to him and drove away as fast as he could.

The papers Donghae had given him to read lay scattered at his doorstep. As he gathered them, he found one that had Jongwoon’s name on it. He picked it up expecting it to be Hyukjae pouring his feelings out about how much he missed Jongwoon and how guilty he felt.

But no.

It was something else.

Jongwoon had to die. Killing him didn’t feel good. It felt great. Poor guy trusted too much. Butcher gave me a chest freezer to put him in. He’s sleeping peacefully in the basement now. Nobody will disturb him. Nobody will bother him anymore.

Donghae's heart skipped a beat.

__________

Donghae had been sitting in front of the basement door for an hour now. He was rocking back and forth, fidgeting with a revolver. He found it under the mattress where Hyukjae had hidden it for emergency. 

He turned the whole house upside down, searching for the key but it was nowhere. Part of him didn’t want to find it. He was afraid that if he found Jongwoon’s body it would prove that Hyukjae didn’t really love him either. Everything was a lie. 

Lie, lie, lie.

Donghae should’ve run away. He should’ve given those papers to the police and saved himself. But what then? He didn’t have a family or friends or anyone he could turn to after Hyukjae. The accident had stripped him off his whole identity. All that was left were his irrational fears and dreams that he couldn’t remember when he woke up. He had no choice but to believe that he was who Hyukjae and Siwon said he was. Siwon said they have known each other since high school and Hyukjae said they’ve been dating for a couple years now. He also told him that Donghae used to live with his uncle who passed away some years ago. Neither of them seemed to know much about his life and though Donghae found it odd, he didn’t see a problem with it. He was happy with a simple job, a loving boyfriend, a talkative friend and a beautiful house. He was content. He really just wanted that back. He wanted to un-know all the things he did. 

Hyukjae’s car pulled into the driveway and Donghae quickly got up, rushing to the living room. As soon as Hyukjae stepped into the house, he pointed the gun at him.

Hyukjae stopped in his tracks. 

“What are you doing…..” He said slowly, closing the door behind him. There was a playful smile on his face, thinking Donghae was joking or something.

“Stop.” 

“It’s loaded, Hae. Give it to me—”

“I said stop!” Donghae shouted.

Hyukjae slowly raised his hands, gesturing him to calm down. “Let’s sit and talk okay?” 

“What did you do to Jongwoon? Why did you kill him!?”

“I did not kill him”

“Stop lying! I know you killed him!”

“Baby put the gun down and let’s talk okay? There’s some misunderstanding…”

“I know your little secret Hyukjae. I know exactly what you’re up to! You killed Jongwoon by driving him insane and now you keep me at home and make me feel like I am the crazy one!” The gun trembled in his hand as he slowly stepped forward. “But I know who you are! You are fucking demented!”

Hyukjae’s arms were raised up trying to show that he meant no harm. He reached for his spare revolver in the back of his jacket and shot between Donghae’s legs. 

Donghae cowered, stumbling back, giving Hyukjae enough time to snatch the gun from him. He threw himself on Donghae, pinning him to the floor, like he would to any armed criminal, and cuffed his hands around the table leg. 

“Let me go!” Donghae shouted. ”I won’t let you kill me Hyukjae! You can’t kill me! YOU CANNOT KILL ME!!” 

Hyukjae slapped him.

Donghae’s face whipped to the side, leaving him completely shocked. Hyukjae had never hit him before. His cheeks were turning into a shade of beet as tears welled up.

“I loved you….” He whispered, hand reaching to caress his burning cheek. He didn’t look up to see Hyukjae who was towering over him.

“We’re going to see a doctor tomorrow.” 

“So you can prove that I am crazy?” Donghae asked drily. “You can try to drive me crazy but I am not weak like Jongwoon! I won’t go down without a fight.”

Hyukjae sighed and kneeled before him, cupping his jaw but Donghae moved his face away. 

“Donghae…..”

“Hankyung told me everything…” He wasn't shouting angrily anymore. He was just sad and disappointed. “You’re going to do the same things to me aren’t you? You’re going to make it look like I am insane” His voice quivered as he tried not to cry. 

Hyukjae frowned, gently taking his face in his hands. “I am not going to do anything to you”

“Liar!”

“I don’t know what Hankyung told you but you gotta hear me out”

“I loved you! Despite knowing what you’ve done! Why do you want to kill me Hyukjae!”

“I am not going to kill you baby…” 

“You are going to kill me! Like you killed Jongwoon!” He pursed his trembling lips. He wanted to believe Hyukjae but how could he ignore everything he knew.

“Why do you think I killed him?” Hyukjae asked calmly.

“I read your diary”

“What diary?”

“Your diary!” 

“I don’t have any diary. What are you talking about?”

“I know everyone you murdered and I still loved you!”

“Donghae… Listen to me” He lightly rubbed his thumb over his cheek. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I did not kill Jongwoon I swear…”

“Then who did!?” 

Hyukjae sat down, head hanging low. 

“If you didn’t kill him, why didn’t you believe him when he said somebody was stalking him?”

Hyukjae averted his gaze, confirming Donghae’s doubts.

“Don’t have an answer, do you?”

“Jongwoon was…. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Nobody knew except me. He had these kinda episodes very frequently. He used to see things and hear things and his doctor said that it was common to hallucinate and that I shouldn’t look too much into it…… That’s why I thought….” Hyukjae sighed. “I should’ve been more careful”

“What about the cameras?”

“What cameras?”

“The cameras and microphones that you put all around the house”

Hyukjae shook his head. “I did not…”

Donghae huffed, tugging at the cuffs. “Unlock me.”

“Are we good now?”

“You didn’t kill him?”

“Nooo Hae, I did not kill Jongwoon”  

“And me?”

Hyukjae turned on his knees and tucked stray strands of Donghae’s hair behind his ear. “Have I ever done anything to hurt you?”

Donghae slowly shook his head. 

“Have you ever felt like I’m going to hurt you?”

“No….”

“Donghae, I love you very very much. I don’t know what made you think I am going to kill you. I would never” He kissed his forehead and though reluctant, Donghae let him. 

He unlocked him, rubbing the red prints around his wrists. 

“You know how frustrating it is to not remember anything? I don’t remember us, I don’t remember me, I don’t remember anything” Donghae sniffed. “You’re all I have, Hyukie… I want to trust you but….”

“But what? Have I given you a reason to not trust me?” 

Donghae couldn’t answer. 

Hyukjae nodded and placed the revolver in his hand. “If you think I’m a threat. Feel free to use it”

Donghae sat there motionless till he heard the bedroom door slam shut. Tired, he stumbled onto a nearby chair and dropped his head down on the table. He didn’t know what to believe anymore. Hyukjae was right. Donghae never felt threatened by him. 

He pulled out the paper that was poking his back pocket and read it again. 

Jongwoon had to die. Killing him didn’t feel good. It felt great. Poor guy trusted too much. Butcher gave me a chest freezer to put him in. He’s sleeping peacefully in the basement now. Nobody will disturb him. Nobody will bother him anymore.

He flipped the page. 

Now Hyukie and I will live happily ever after.

H signing out.

Chapter Text

“Fuck.” Donghae dropped his head in his hands. Everything he thought he knew about this H guy was wrong. Hyukjae was really telling the truth. He was overthinking about the smallest things he said to him. He crumpled the paper and tossed it aside before rushing to the bedroom.

Hyukjae was sprawled out on the bed, fingers interlocked behind his head. He stopped staring at the ceiling to look at Donghae who had just barged in.

"Hyukie I’m sorry"

Hyukjae looked away.

"I am sorryyy" Donghae climbed into the bed, tugging his arm. "I'm sorry Hyukjae~ you know I act impulsively at times"

Hyukjae pulled his arm out of Donghae's hold and turned away. 

"Can you stop being mad at me please?" 

When he received no answer, he scooted in next to him, hugging his waist.

"Donghae please let me be"

"I am sorryyyy"

"You literally accused me of trying to murder you like five minutes ago"

"And I am apologizing for it"

Annoyed, Hyukjae turned to face him. "Where do you even get such thoughts???"

"I am an idiot that's why"

"Hae, there is something you aren't telling me"

"I had some misconceptions" Donghae said, his mind drifting to the thought of Jongwoon's body that was locked in the basement. But he didn't care about it anymore. As long as Hyukjae didn't want to kill him and actually loved him, Donghae could ignore everything else.

"Where do these misconceptions come from??"

"My stupid mind okay? Now please please please forgive me"

Hyukjae pulled him closer, still frowning. "Are you sure we're good now?"

"Totally" Donghae smiled kissing his lips and snuggled closer, resting his head on Hyukjae's chest.

“Hyukie”

“Hm?”

“How did we meet?”

Hyukjae frowned. “I’ve told you that story a lot of times”

“I knoww~ I like to hear it…. makes me feel less of a stranger to myself”

“Okaaayyyy, so one day you randomly showed up at the precinct, came up to me and said Lee Hyukjae I love you, marry me and I got you thrown out by the guards”

“Then????” Donghae asked curiously like he didn't know what was coming.

“Then you fought with some uniformed officer on the way and you were put into the lock up, which was literally in front of my desk” 

“And then I troubled you all night”

Hyukjae laughed. “Yes you did. I was in the precinct all night working on a case and you wouldn’t stop saying how much you love me. Next morning you were released and I was surprised that you didn’t even look at me. You just left. And I thought that was it, but a few days later, you started showing up everywhere I went. Once Hankyung and I were returning from a witness’s house and you were standing by the car with a coffee for me, the same coffee you saw me drinking that night at the precinct. This went on for a while until I realised that you put a tracking device under my car”

“I am so smart”

“That’s illegal baby” 

“What did you do when you came to know?”

“Actually, I was at an old construction site when I found out, and there was a sort of shootout there and you appeared out of nowhere and took a bullet for me. Thankfully it only grazed your shoulder. I still remember, you were sweating and almost passed out in the ambulance, but you kept smiling and said I would never find someone who would do the shit you’d do for me”

“That’s how you fell in love with me?”

“I don’t know… I was dating Jongwoon back then”

“Why didn’t you get a restraining order on me?”

“You weren’t really harassing me or anything. Besides, it was more of an ego thing. How embarrassing would it be for a cop to report someone for stalking”

“What if I had hurt you?”

“That was another reason why I didn’t get a restraining order on you. You never threatened to hurt me. It was always marry me or I will do something really bad to myself. So I finally gave in”

Donghae raised his head, shifting back a little so he could see Hyukjae. “So you didn’t really like me?”

“No. No, I mean I was dating Jongwoon and I couldn’t really leave him because he was not well and a breakup would only worsen his…..condition”

“What about my scar? Why did I do that?”

“You were angry because even after you got shot for me, I wasn't ready to marry you. So that night after you went back home, you sent me a photo of your bloodied arm with my name etched in it and under the photo you said can your boyfriend do this for you?”

“Have I met Jongwoon?”

“No”

“When was our first kiss?” Donghae enjoyed asking him these questions again and again. It made him feel loved.

“Same night. I came over after you sent me that photo and you started crying and shouting asking why can’t I love you back. It was…… dramatic, okay….. and things happened in the heat of the moment”

“So you cheated on your boyfriend”

“Things weren’t really good between me and Jongwoon… his condition kept getting worse”  

“That does not justify cheating”

“I know. I’m not justifying anything.”

“Was I okay with you dating both of us??”

“Hae, aren’t you being too inquisitive?” Hyukjae asked, quickly getting off the bed. “I gotta shower. I’ll answer the rest of your questions later?”

Donghae followed him. “Okay, okay one last question before you go”

“What?” 

“Why can’t I go to therapy?”

Hyukjae shook his head and walked past him “We are not having that conversation again” 

“Is it about the money?” 

“No, of course it’s not about the money!” He remarked exasperated.  

“Then what is it??”

“You have a job, you have your routine, you have me, you have your dance class you joined last month. You said you had fun there didn’t you? Everything’s fine. What do you need therapy for??”

“I don’t know who the fuck I am, I guess that’s a good enough reason!”

Hyukjae knew Donghae was losing his temper again and if he raised his voice, it would only tip him off. He took a deep breath to calm himself and took Donghae’s hand in both his. “You know, our brain does this thing where it suppresses memories because they are too painful to remember”

“Are you saying my whole life was one big painful memory?”

“No—”

“Hyukjae, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life anymore. Everyday I’m trying to escape the fact that I don’t feel connected to myself. I have little scars from childhood but I don’t know how I got them. I am scared of the dark and I’m scared of uniformed officers for absolutely no reason. I know for a fact it has a reason and it’s not just some phobia. Therapy might give me some fucking perspective”

“If you give yourself some time—”

“You don’t understand how difficult it is”

“I know~ but I’m here for you... The past year has been so smooth. Why can’t we move on with our lives?? I was hoping we’d get married this year. I know it’s difficult for you because you don’t know who you are but baby you can still discover what you like and what you don’t. You have a whole life ahead of you….You don’t have to go back to your past”

“Do you not want me to remember anything?”

Hyukjae sighed and headed to the bathroom. “We’ll talk about this later”

“Yeah, avoid it like you always do”

Donghae it’s impossible to talk to you when you react like this to everything I say” He said and shut the bathroom door. 

Without another thought, Donghae grabbed a bag and threw in all the cameras and microphones that he had collected. 

He knocked on the bathroom door. “I’m going to Siwon’s place” 

He heard the tap close before Hyukjae popped his head out. “What?”

“I’m going to Siwon’s place. I’ll stay there for the night”

“Why???”

“Because I want to”

“Cool. Drive safe”

__________

Donghae wondered if Jongwoon’s body was still in the basement. He wondered if this H was still around. 

“Hyung, hi…” Siwon greeted him with a confused expression. He wasn't really expecting him after what happened in the afternoon. He was in the middle of packing a suitcase. He wasn't kidding when he said he was going to flee the country for a while.

Donghae ignored the half packed bags and the heap of items scattered on the bed. “Remember you told me about an abusive babysitter in your neighbourhood who you caught by accessing the nanny cams”

“Uh…. yes. What about it?”

“Can you access any nanny cams from your computer?”

Siwon shrugged. “Pretty much”

Donghae emptied his bag, pouring out all the cameras and microphones.

Siwon's eyes widened in astonishment. “What…. the hell? Where did you get so many cameras from???

“Can you find what’s on it?”

“I can but—”

“Don’t ask me about it. I don’t know. Let’s find out”

Siwon grabbed a handful of cameras and took them to his desk while Donghae carried the rest. 

“These are a lot of cameras hyung, it’ll take a few hours to download everything that’s in here” He said switching on his desktop.

“I only want to see the tapes of the living room and bedroom”

“You just said you don’t know what’s on it……”

“I don’t.” Donghae replied without missing a beat.

Siwon looked at him, beckoning for more response but Donghae didn’t say any further. Siwon sighed defeatedly and pulled his chair further ahead, focussing on the computer screen.

It took a while to download all the tapes and Donghae hovering over him throughout the process made Siwon feel quite pressurised. He opened one of the tapes that showed the living room of a house.

“This place… looks familiar” He frowned, craning his neck forward to look into the pixelated videos. 

Donghae expected Siwon to recognise his house. 

“What’s the date of the first tape?” Donghae asked.

Siwon scrolled back all the way till he reached the very first recording and clicked on it.

“November 2020” He read the date flashing in the corner.

“That’s before I was dating Hyuk—”

Donghae appeared on camera. “Is this even working?” He waved. “Hellooo. It’s 1:34 a.m. Hyukjae is at work and his mental boyfriend locked himself in the basement because he thinks somebody is inside his house”

Siwon froze, eyes slowly turning to the man standing behind. Donghae was staring down at him.

“Listen” Donghae tried to reason with him.

Siwon sprang from his seat, inching away from Donghae. “I—I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, listen”

“Don’t hurt me please”

“Siwon”

“Hyung I just–I didn’t mean to lie to you” He was panting at this point.

“I know”

“No I really just—I just”

“Siwon I’m not going to hurt you!” Donghae slammed the desk, making the younger cower. As much as he was dumbfounded by his identity, he wanted Siwon to know that it was okay, that he was not going to kill him.

“I am not going to…..” He sighed, sinking into the chair. 

“I…I…I’m H…” He mumbled, all emotions coursing through him at once.

“I…. I didn’t want you to remember… I’m sorry I was scared you would hate me. It was selfish but I wanted to be close to you and if you remembered everything, you would really really hate me. I don’t—I don’t want that to happen… I’m sorry…”

Donghae smiled sadly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been reading my own diary entries like it was someone else’s. I can’t remember anything” 

Siwon was relieved.

“Master Siwon, your father’s looking for you” The housekeeper informed, peeking into the room.

“Uh, yeah” He nodded, gesturing her to leave. He glanced at Donghae who was blankly staring at the screen. “I’ll be back in a moment”

Donghae stared at his face in the tape. He killed all those people. He killed Jongwoon. He could kill anyone. He suddenly felt so powerful. So fucking powerful.

He forwarded the tape to January 2021. The real reason why he was here. He wanted to see what exactly happened the night Jongwoon disappeared. Now that he knew it was him, his stomach churned in anticipation of what he was going to see. 

29th January, he saw the bedroom tape, where he is sitting over Jongwoon’s chest with arm resting on an axe. Before Donghae could play the video, vivid images flashed before him.

Please don’t kill me….

Please…. I don’t want to die….. please

HELP ME! 

HYUKJAE!

HELP!

Oh poor Jongwoonie~ Hyukie is not coming to help you

Donghae clutched the arms of the chair, breathing heavily as his mind flooded with memories of that night.

J ongwoon shrank into a corner of the closet, pressing his hand to his mouth. Shuddering, he drew his knees closer. There was a stranger in his house. 

A strip of yellow light fell on his face from the crack in the door. He could see the figure pacing around, the head of his axe screeching across the tiled floor. 

Jongwoon’s breath hitched when the axe banged on the floor. He crouched into a corner, hugging his knees. 

For a brief moment, there was complete silence. No footsteps of the stranger, no dragging of the axe.

Jongwoon slowly leaned forward, peering through the crack.

Suddenly, the door flew open and a hand  seized his hair and dragged him out on the floor. Jongwoon fell face first, his cheek striking against the cold floor. 

“Get up” Donghae ordered, nudging his shoulder with the axe. 

Jongwoon slowly raised his head, afraid of the axe. “D—Don’t kill me….. please”

Donghae rolled his eyes and squatted next to him, roughly grabbing his jaw. “I didn’t even do anything yet” He pushed him on his back and straddled him, slamming the axe right next to his ear. 

Jongwoon screamed, whipping his face to the side. 

“You shout like a girl!” Donghae swayed forward, laughing hysterically. “Oh my god how cute!”

“Please…” Jongwoon breathed heavily, squirming as he tried to get the man off his chest. 

Donghae patted Jongwoon’s cheek with the side of the axe, making him flinch and shut his eyes tightly. Donghae smiled, placing the tip of the axe on Jongwoon’s forehead. 

His face was red, cheeks stained with tears and he trembled uncontrollably. “Don’t kill me…..please don’t kill me”

Donghae slowly dragged the tip down his face and chin and drove it deep at the base of his throat until Jongwoon gasped for air. 

“It’s really out of my hands, you know” Donghae said offhandedly, pulling Jongwoon’s phone out from his pocket. He chuckled looking at the call logs. “Aww~ you called Hyukie so many times”

“Let me go….please….”

“I will. If Hyukjae answers your call this one time, I promise I’ll let you go”

Donghae dialled him and put the phone to his ear. His eyebrows cocked in surprise. “Oh hey hyuk—”

“HELP ME! HYUKJAE!” Jongwoon shouted, despite the axe digging into his throat. “HELP! HE’S GOING TO KILL—”

Donghae dropped the phone and started laughing. “I was kidding!” He cherished how the hope dwindled from his eyes. “Oh poor Jongwoonie~ Hyukie is not coming to help you” He raised the axe above his head with both hands. “Bye bye”

Donghae snapped out of his thoughts when his phone rang. 

It was an unknown number.

“Hello?”

“What are you doing at Siwon’s place?”  

Donghae sprang from the chair. “Who are you?”

“Look out of the window”

He pulled the curtain aside peeking out. There was the black car and the same man leaning against it, waving at him.

“Heechul…”

“You finally remember,” He replied drily. 

“You want to kill me don’t you?”

“Yes. Come down right now and I might spare your brother”

“Leave him alone.”

“Come down.”

“Coming.”

Donghae hung up, a sly smile creeping up his lips. 

Chapter Text

Donghae walked towards Heechul who was standing by the black car and paused at a fair distance from him. His face was covered with a mask and eyes hooded by the cap. 

“Get in.” He ordered.

Donghae opened the backseat door and Heechul slammed it shut. “Not in the fucking backseat” He went around to open the trunk of the car. 

“Into the trunk?”

Heechul stared at him for a brief moment before shoving him against the car and started patting him down. He took Donghae’s phone from his pocket and tossed it under the car. There was a smugness on Donghae’s face while he was dragged and pushed into the trunk of the car. He didn’t struggle or fight back. 

Heechul had shut the trunk halfway when he remembered something and opened it back up. His gaze was fixed on Donghae who looked too calm for the situation he was in. 

A damp cloth was shoved into Donghae’s face. Alarmed, he struggled against the strong hand that suffocated him. Heechul used all his weight to press Donghae’s face down, dodging his attempts to claw at him. 

The sweet scent burnt his nose and every part of his face that was in contact with the cloth. His head grew heavier and he was so dizzy, he could no longer lift his head to tackle Heechul. Donghae’s muffled groans died out after a little more struggle.

Heechul stood up, panting. 

He stared at Donghae’s limp body, neck lolling to the side and arms flat. He squeezed his cheeks to open his mouth and shoved the chloroform handkerchief in. 

__________

One moment there was absolutely nothing and the next moment, Donghae’s body was on fire. He was sweating profusely like there was a ball of heat brewing inside him. His eyes were too heavy to open but he slowly gauged the sounds in his surroundings. 

Water gushed from somewhere nearby, filling whatever Donghae was sitting in. The bottom of his pants were soaked. He was too dizzy to lift his head and open his eyes, but at the same time, his head rested on a stone edge and it was discomforting. The rough edges pricked the back of his head. 

Donghae tugged at his hands, trying to bring them in front but they were tied. It felt like a lot of zip ties were locked around his wrists and they were bound to a metal bar on the floor. 

Donghae groaned weakly and twisted his shoulders a little, when a sharp pain coursed through his abdomen. It felt like something was piercing his insides. He sucked in a breath, trying not to feel the pain. Warm liquid streamed down the origin of this pain and accumulated at the waistband of his pants. He had been stabbed. Donghae didn’t remember when or by what. All he could focus on was his breathing. If he inhaled too much, it triggered the pain, so he had to breathe as little as he could and that to really fast. 

Donghae slowly opened his eyes. Light from a white tubelight somewhere high up on a wall, illuminated the dingy area. He itched to rub his eyes so he could see clearer. 

The walls were covered in red and black graffiti. The lack of windows signified that he was in some basement, some place he wouldn’t be found easily. In the middle was the large swimming pool where Donghae was. It was slowly filling up and the water reached upto his waist now.

Donghae looked down at a big shard of glass that stuck out of his stomach. He pursed his lips, trying to control his breathing.

Heechul wrapped a cord around his throat, tugging at it. “You have no idea how long I have waited for this day” 

Donghae squirmed, head rolled back gasping for air.

“Tonight you’ll pay for what you did to me”

Donghae’s heels rubbed against the floor as he tried to lift himself up but it was too slippery. The cord slowly tightened around his throat.

“I could have killed you months ago, when you had no memory of who you were. But what’s the fun in that?” He tugged harder at the cord. “I couldn’t let you die without making you realize what you did. Betrayal is soooooo bad muffin”

Blood drained from Donghae’s face and it grew numb.

”It was all so fucking easy. I found where you used to live and found everything there. Your diary, your hit list, your weapons, access to the cameras in your house. Everything. It was hard to wait all this while, sending you pages from your diary so you would remember everything. But I’ve finally done it” 

Heechul let go. “Don’t worry, I am not going to let you die so easily”

Donghae leaned forward, panting and coughing. 

Heechul jumped into the pool, causing water to splash all over Donghae.

Donghae scanned him from head to toe. So far Heechul was only a name but now it had a face, and a very beautiful one. Pale skin, plump lips and wavy white hair that were black at the roots. 

He kneeled next to Donghae, reaching for the piece of glass that was lodged in his stomach and flicked it “Oooh does it hurt?” 

Donghae winced.

“Let me help.” Heechul grabbed the shard and twisted it as he pushed it deeper. 

Donghae groaned, tugging helplessly at his wrists. His eyes were red and teary and he breathed heavily. Heechul pushed it deeper, enjoying how Donghae whimpered and cried. 

“Better? No?” He pouted. “Wait” He yanked the shard out and stabbed him again. Then he pulled it out and stabbed the same wound again and again and again hysterically. 

Donghae’s breath hitched with every jab and more blood spewed, staining the water around him red. He blinked slowly, clinging to the bits of consciousness. His knuckles turned white from holding the metal bar so tight. A hot burning sensation radiated from his stomach. 

Heechul pulled the piece of glass out again causing Donghae to squirm. It was relieving but at the same time, it aggravated the pain.

Heechul held up the shard and dragged the tip of his tongue over it. He rolled his eyes, savoring the metallic taste of blood. 

Donghae could feel blood oozing out of the wound with every breath. 

“Where…. where is Jongwoon…” He mumbled.

Heechul scoffed. “I thought you would’ve found him already. I’ll be honest, I enjoyed watching him cry” He said remembering the number of times he watched the clip of Donghae murdering Jongwoon. It was entertaining.

“Why did you do it?”

“Me?—”

“WHY DID YOU KILL HIM! HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!”

Heechul seized his jaw and slammed his head against the rough edge. It jabbed into the tender skin in the back of his head, making it bleed. 

Donghae’s eyelids drooped and he struggled to breathe but he didn’t stop. “First you killed Chanhyuk…. then Jongwoon” He panted. “and now…. and now me” 

“THEY DIED BECAUSE OF YOU!” He shouted and swung a fist at him, but Donghae ducked in time, sliding underwater. Heechul seized a handful of his hair and pulled him back up. 

“Wait till your boyfriend comes to know. I want to see the look on his face when he realizes that you killed Jongwoon… and that you are a fucking psychopath”

“He won’t believe you. You can’t prove it”

“All I have to do is give him your diary”

His face was burning red and tears streamed down his cheeks but his eyes displayed no emotion. “If I get out of here alive today….. you’re dead” 

Annoyed, Heechul pulled out the piece of glass and raised his hand all the way back aiming for Donghae’s neck.

A gunshot fired. The bullet grazed Heechul’s wrist and the glass fell from his hand. 

He groaned, stepping back. 

Donghae rolled his head back relieved, when he saw Hyukjae and a few others rushing in with guns. He closed his eyes, wincing from all the pain burdening his body, and smiled weakly. His plan had worked.

__________

~A few hours ago~

Donghae got off call with Heechul and backed away from the window. This was his chance to get equal with him. Because of Heechul, he doubted the love of his life and yelled at him and threatened him with a gun. 

Donghae turned to the microphones lying on the bed and an amazing idea struck him. He picked the smallest microphone and started looking for places he could attach it to his clothes. 

“Oh what are you—” Siwon paused at the entrance, gazing at him.

“If I carry this microphone with me, can you hear what is being recorded on it?”

“What?”

“This. This microphone, can you connect it to your device or something?” Donghae asked impatiently.

“I guess..”

“Perfect. Heechul is outside right now—”

“WHAT!?”

“Sshh calm down. He won’t hurt you. He wants me. So I am going with him”

“Hyung no—”

Donghae clasped his shoulders and sat him down. “Shut up and listen to me. I’ll carry this microphone with me and you listen in” He gave the microphone to him to reconfigure it and walked out of the room. He went to the very end of the corridor and called Hyukjae.

“Hyukjae…” He took a deep breath, modulating his voice to sound grave. “I know who killed Jongwoon”

After a brief silence, Hyukjae replied.“…..who?”

“Heechul. I sent him to prison in college and he came back and killed Jongwoon to take revenge on me and now he’s after me”

“What are you saying??”

“Jongwoon was right… There was somebody stalking him. It was Heechul and he’s been doing the same to me. I am going to put an end to this” 

“Don’t do anything on your own!”

“Heechul will definitely pass the toll booth to get to the highway. He won’t go anywhere else because it’s too risky. I am carrying a microphone with me that Siwon has access to. He’ll give you all the necessary information. I am going to meet him”

“Donghae don’t do this! It’s dangerous”

“Believe me alright! I know what I’m doing. Just keep an eye on the toll booth CCTV and Siwon will keep giving you updates”

“No, you’re not doing anything. Wait right there, I am coming”

“Hyukjae!” Donghae said firmly. “I am going right now, completely unarmed and if you love me, find me in time. I might not have much left.”

He hung up and returned to the room. Siwon was peeking out of the window timidly.

"Siwon"

He flinched, when Donghae called.

"Don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you"

Siwon's head hung low.  

“Look whatever happens, don’t be afraid. I’ll be fine. I am not going to die. I really need your help here. Heechul will never guess that I have a mic on me. This is my only chance to get back at him"

With a lot of hesitance, Siwon agreed to help him. 

"What if you get hurt?" he asked, as he configured the microphone. 

"Things might get very ugly but I trust Hyukjae” said Donghae. “So no matter what happens…. don’t follow me. I don’t want you to be in trouble”

__________

Donghae hadn’t anticipated being knocked out in the trunk but the heads up he had given Hyukjae about checking in on the toll gate helped. He was right. Heechul crossed the toll booth and took him to an old run down shack somewhere deep in the forest next to the highway.

He woke up to the blaring sounds of police cars and red and blue lights that flashed everywhere. He was lying in the backseat of a car, shirt unbuttoned and his wound covered with gauge, cotton and tape. Donghae pressed a hand over his wound and slowly hauled himself upright. He endured jolts of pain that shot from his abdomen and stepped out of the car. 

It was catastrophic. A number of police cars with their blaring sirens surrounded by men in uniform. Donghae’s eyes desperately searched for a familiar face. He slowly walked ahead with the support of the car.

“Hae!” Hyukjae called from behind him. He was worried but also a bit relieved that Donghae was fine. He clasped both his hands tightly. “Please… please don’t do anything like this again”

Donghae smiled. “I knew you’d come”

“I was so scared”

“I wasn't. I knew you wouldn’t let anything happen to me”

Hyukjae gently hugged him, making sure not to touch his wound. 

Donghae’s head rested on his shoulder as he watched a couple uniformed officers pushing Heechul into the car.

“What happened?” he asked, pulling away.

“We got him but he started firing and a couple of our officers got injured. It was a bit of a task to take him down”

“I want to talk to him” 

Hyukjae shook his head. “No, we’re going to the hospital”

“I am fineee. Just a minute. Let me talk to him for a minute”

“Okay, but I’m coming with you” He ordered and locked his fingers with Donghae’s as they walked towards the police car.

Hyukjae signaled the driver to lower the window next to Heechul. 

Heechul glared at them, his face had several bruises from fighting with the cops. His hands were handcuffed behind his back so all he could do was clench his fists in anger when Donghae leaned forward to look at him. 

Hyukjae was standing right behind him, eyes fixed on Heechul. He was ready to shoot him if he moved an inch.

Donghae smiled discreetly, his eyes glinting with pride. “Next time you get out of prison, try not to mess with me” He whispered.

Heechul scowled, lunging forward to hit his head on Donghae’s but Hyukjae pulled him back in time.

“Enough.” 

He gestured to the driver to roll up the windows. 

“What did you say to him?” 

“Nothing”

“You said somethi-”

“Hyung! Are you okay!?” Siwon came running to him.

“Oh, hey…how did you get here??” Donghae asked, surprised to see him.

“The microphone stopped working midway so I got scared and called Hyukjae”

“And I sent him our location,” said Hyukjae. “Don’t worry everything’s under control now. We’re going to the hospital”

Donghae turned to him, feigning worry. He didn’t want Hyukjae to accompany him. He had other plans.

“Um hyukie…. uhh, I think you should focus on the case….” 

“Hey, how are you?” Hankyung chimed in.

“Great” Donghae muttered despite his face showing all sorts of discomfort.

“Stop lying. You were stabbed and it was very deep!”

“Hyukjae was crying when he patched you up,” said Hankyung.

“Shut up” Hyukjae elbowed him.

“You cried for me…” Donghae said, looking at him with puppy eyes.

“I was scared okay. So let’s go to the hospital right now”

Donghae shook his head. “You should find Jongwoon’s body first”

Color drained from Hyukjae’s face.

“His…..his body…. You–you know where it is???”

“In our basement….”

Hyukjae stepped back. “No…..” He shook his head. He looked at them guiltily like it was his fault for not knowing.

Hankyung gave his shoulder a light squeeze. “Hyuk—”

“No! No no no no no” He pushed him away. “Jongwoon was…. he was—he was right here…” His gaze shuffled as he struggled to process it. 

Donghae expected this kind of reaction and he hoped it would be enough to stop Hyukjae from assisting him to the hospital.

Without another word, Hyukjae sprinted to his car.

“I’m sorry…” Hankyung felt the need to apologize to Donghae because Hyukjae left him all alone after what happened. He should've looked after his injured boyfriend but he was too overwhelmed. All he could think of was Jongwoon and somewhere Hankyung felt sorry for Donghae. 

“It’s okay… Siwon will take me to the hospital”

Donghae watched Hankyung and Heechul leave in their car, followed by the one that Heechul was in. He was proud of himself. He wondered if that’s how H felt when he made everyone believe that he wasn't the culprit. He felt so superior. Though he still felt a gap between H and himself. H still seemed like another person, someone Donghae really admired at this point. Maybe that was the beginning of sewing his personality back together. He hoped to eventually grow into the person he used to be. 

There were a lot of things he still didn’t know, like his obsession with Hyukjae or what he used to do after graduation and before the accident. He definitely wasn't a barista. He couldn’t imagine somebody like H as a barista. Donghae needed to find his diary to get all the answers.

“I feel sorry for Jongwoon,” Siwon said as they drove to the hospital.

Donghae turned his face to the side to look at him. “Why?”

“He didn’t deserve this”

Donghae frowned. What does he mean he didn’t deserve it??? Of course he deserved it!

He wondered if Siwon was implying that he wasn't okay with what Donghae had done. 

“What are you trying to say?” He asked sternly.

“I mean, he was a victim of Heechul’s madness for no reason”

“Wait, what?”

“What?”

“What did you say?”

“I said he was a victim of Heechul’s madness. Just before the mic stopped working, you said that first Heechul killed someone and then Jongwoon and now you…. I am glad he won’t be able to harm anymore people now”

“And after that? You didn’t hear anything after that??”

“I did… He said they died because of you”

“Yeah” Donghae nodded, trying to gauge his expression. Siwon heard that but he still thought Heechul killed Jongwoon. Why?

“Doesn’t that mean I killed Jongwoon?” 

Siwon shook his head. “I know it sounds like that…. but like you said, he…. um… he killed… Jongwoon… to take revenge on you so he was blaming you indirectly”

“And after that? You didn’t hear what happened after that?”

“No. I don’t know what happened, the mic stopped working”

“Oh…..” Donghae looked away, pursing his smile. He remembered ducking underwater. That might’ve spoiled the mic. 

Donghae had purposely said those things back there so he could get it on record and make it seem like Heechul was the culprit. The original plan was that he would ask Siwon to edit out whatever had been recorded before and after but considering how things turned out, he was quite content.

“Right” Donghae chuckled. “Heechul killed Jongwoon….. so sad”

“I hope they don’t let him out of prison again”

Donghae glanced at the GPS that showed directions to the hospital. He slowly bent forward, with one hand on his aching wound, to change the location.

“What are you doing?” Siwon asked, looking at the GPS and the road simultaneously. 

“We are not going to the hospital. There is something we need to deal with before. It’s really important”

“But you’re hurt”

“I am not dying okay. This is really urgent”

“Where are we going???”

“My old apartment,” said Donghae, exhaling heavily as he leaned back on the seat. The slightest movement made the pain worse. 

“I’ll drop you to the hospital and—”

“I said we’re going to my apartment!” Donghae scolded.

“But hyung,”

“I need to get my diary and everything else out of there before Hyukjae or Hankyung reach there”

Chapter Text

It’s a complete nightmare to wake up one day and remember nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Confusing. Troubling. Terrifying.

People around me recognized me but I only see strangers. Two strangers. Hyukjae and Siwon. They were the only people who came to see me at the hospital.

I suffered a concussion, a spinal injury near the neck, two broken ribs and a fractured leg. When Hyukjae first told me that it was because I jumped in front of a car on purpose, it made me wonder what kind of an idiot I must’ve been. 

Am I happy to be alive? I don’t know.

I stayed in the hospital for two months and looked like shit for the first few weeks. It’s interesting how many injuries a human body can sustain. 

Siwon stayed with me the whole day and at night, Hyukjae would stay over. It was scary at times, made me feel like they were keeping an eye on me, like they were so close to harming me. It’s not easy to trust strangers who tell you that they are family. I didn’t like them in the beginning. 

But, they didn’t give me a reason to dislike them.

Hyukjae is my boyfriend. I live with him now. I feel safe around him. Siwon is an old friend. He said I could work at the cafe he owns until I’m ready for more “brainy” work.

They think I am delicate and I should not be stressed. Yes, I have trouble sleeping and I get worked up easily and I have terrible migraines and sometimes there is an annoying ringing in my ears BUT I am not delicate. 

I have a love-hate relationship with this kinda treatment. I want to be cared for…… but somewhere I feel like this isn’t normal. It’s all too good to be true. It feels so fake.

I don’t know how long I can go like this. I want to know who I am. 

It’s so fucking suffocating.  

__________

Donghae had rolled down the windows, leaning his head on the side and smiled as the wind caressed his face.

Getting a glimpse of who he used to be, made him feel liberated. It gave him a sense of control and he couldn’t wait to find his diary and get to know more.

He realised something very important during their journey. Siwon did not know that he had actually killed people. Donghae thought about it for a while and yes, that explained why Siwon didn’t mind helping him. To Siwon, Donghae was his elder brother who tried to kill him but let him go and he had sympathy for him. He had no idea what he had done before or after. He was scared of him not because he was a serial killer, but because he had tried to kill him once.

Donghae glanced at him and chuckled. 

“What?” Siwon asked.

“Nothing… I didn’t expect a good boy like you to help me”

“You’re my brother. I’ll always help you”

“Remember your words Siwon. You’re promising a lot”

“No matter what happens, you’ll have me. Whatever happened to you as a kid…. It’s kinda my fault too isn’t it? But I promise I won’t abandon you ever again”

Donghae knew he should be feeling some sort of affection or endearment after what Siwon said. It was unsettling. He knew what he should feel but it just wasn’t in him. He did not feel anything for him. 

If anything, Siwon was an asset to him. He was intelligent, great with tech, had lots of feelings and most importantly, he didn’t suspect Donghae at all. He was the best subordinate Donghae could ever ask for. 

“Your destination will arrive on the left in 200 metres” the GPS notified.

“Here we are,” Siwon said, pulling over outside an apartment complex.

Donghae hurriedly stepped out, when a sharp pain erupted around his wound and he fell back into the seat. “Fuck, I keep forgetting I have been stabbed”

“I don’t think it must be that hard to remember,” Siwon remarked as he helped him get out of the car.

The apartment complex consisted of several buildings, each one bearing an uncanny resemblance to the other. They stood together in a curved line.

“So. Which building did you live in?”

“Doesn’t matter. Somebody else lives there now.” said Donghae offhandedly. “There is some other place where I must’ve kept everything. Heechul found all my stuff, my diary, the camera footage, everything. It has to be somewhere around”

“What???? We came all the way here because you thought your things might be here???” Siwon asked, exasperated.

“It is definitely here. It has to be here. Heechul found it easily. So can we”

“But how????”

“I don’t know, think!!”

“What if he took everything with him before the new tenants moved into your old flat”

“No,” Donghae shook his head thoughtfully. “Hyukjae has been to my place so I’m sure, if I was monitoring his house, I wouldn’t have called him over. I was definitely monitoring it from some place else”

“Did you rent another apartment?”

“I don’t know”

“Maybe you did, in another building. Should we ask around?”

“Yeah right. We’ll wake people up and ask them if they have seen me before” 

“Now that you put it this way, it sounds like a bad idea” Siwon pouted. He glanced around, thinking.  "What does your instinct say?”

“I don’t have one”

“Everybody has one”

“I don’t.”

“Remember how you guessed Heechul would pass the toll gate? That’s instinct”

“It’s common sense. It is easier to hide a dead body in a forest than in a crowded city”

“Okay just think about it this way. If you were to make a secret hideout here, which flat would you choose?”

“What stupid quetion is that?”

“Think~”

“I don’t know! They all look alike. I’d rather hide all my stuff in that rooftop house over there” he pointed at the house on the terrace of one of the buildings.

Siwon stared at him in surprise. 

“What?”

The next minute, Siwon and Donghae were outside the rooftop house. Donghae watched keenly as Siwon broke the lock with a safety pin. The man had a lot of hidden talents.

Siwon put his ear close to the lock, eyebrows drawing together as he listened hard for the click. 

“There it is!” 

The rusty door creaked as they pushed it open. 

A yellow light bulb illuminated the tiny shed-like room. A small wrought iron bed was against the wall with the window, colour from the walls had come off in patches, exposing the grey insides, there was a desk against the opposite wall with a computer on it.

The surroundings felt oddly familiar to Donghae. It didn’t strike any memory but he felt like he had been there before. The worn down carpet with upturned corners, the rusty legs of the bed, the wooden chair with chipped corners and other small things were etched into Donghae’s mind. 

“You were right…. this is it”  

“No you’re right. That was your instinct. Look,” Siwon pointed at the dusty old box computer that sat in a corner of the desk. “All the footage must be here” 

“Take it,” Donghae ordered and walked to the other side of the room, looking for his diary. 

“What, no I can't carry the whole computer! You really don’t know how technology works do you” He said switching on the computer. “We only need to delete all data. Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Why did you have cameras in Hyukjae's house?”

“I wanted to keep an eye on him” Donghae measured his words very carefully. One slip up and Siwon would find out. Donghae was going to tell him the truth but not right now.

“For what?”

Donghae glared at him.

“Oh no, I mean I was just curious. You don’t have to answer”

“It was my way of expressing love….” 

Siwon perked up “Wait a minute! So Heechul murdering Jongwoon must’ve also been recorded on it right? We can give that to the police–”

“No!” Donghae said loudly, startling the younger. “No…. we can’t do that…. it'll raise the question of why I had cameras hidden in his house” 

“Right” Siwon nodded. The computer finally loaded and a bright blue screen displayed a box, asking for a password. “What’s the password?” 

Donghae opened an old iron chest that lay next to the bed. Its contents were covered in a dark red cloth. He attempted to kneel but the wound in his abdomen made it impossible for him to do so. He bent sideways,stretching his arm down and pinched the cloth between his fingers. He tugged at it but whatever was inside, was so heavy, it weighed the cloth down.

“Hyung?” 

“What?”

“What is the password?”

“I don’t know”

Siwon sighed, turning back to the screen. 

“Try forgetting password” Donghae suggested.

“This is a very old computer. It doesn’t have that”

Donghae ignored and continued tugging at the cloth. He finally caught hold of a corner and flipped it open.

His jaw dropped.

The chest was full of weapons. Guns with silencer, Air guns, revolvers, knives of different shapes and sizes, axes, hammers and many other things. It was filled to the brim. 

Donghae was delighted. He wanted to pour everything out and examine each and every weapon closely, but he couldn’t bend and he definitely couldn’t tell Siwon about it. He quickly shot a glance over his shoulder at the younger who was busy figuring out the password, and flicked the knife from the top of the heap. He covered the weapons with the cloth again and slowly shut the chest. 

This knife was unlike regular knives. It was sleek with a matte black finish and looked way sharper, like it could slice through wall. Donghae wrapped his fingers around the handle and dramatically stabbed the air. He felt so confident, holding that knife.  

“I cracked it!” Siwon exclaimed, jumping victoriously. 

Donghae quickly slipped the knife into his pocket and swung around on his heels. “What?”

“I guessed the password. It’s Hyukjae’s birthday”

“I am not surprised”

Siwon turned back, leaning towards the screen as he navigated through different folders. “You really love him don’t you”

“I guess”

“It’s interesting how a person like you can love someone–” Siwon internally slapped himself for saying that out loud. “I mean–I mean I didn’t mean it like that”

“You meant exactly what you said.” Donghae said, making his way to him.

“I-I’m sorry”

“Look” Donghae seized his jaw. “You’re right. A person like me should not be able to love. I don’t even know if I love Hyukjae. I want him only for myself. I want him to love me. I want him to be with me and I can go to any length to get him. I will kill anyone who comes between us” He pushed him away. “Except, I haven’t. I haven’t killed Jongwoon if that’s what you’re thinking”

Siwon shook his head timidly. “No no, I wasn't thinking that” 

“When Hyukjae hugs me, everything becomes okay. And I will do anything to protect that. I don’t know if that’s love”

“Well, I don't know either…. maybe it is love. A bit weird, but whatever floats your boat”

Donghae glowered at him.

“Sorry…”

He chuckled. “It’s funny how you’re so scared of me now” He caressed Siwon’s cheek, making him flinch. “I’m not a bad person….. Right? What do you think?” He asked, propping Siwon’s chin on his fingers. His smile had vanished and his eyes were nothing but little black voids.

Donghae’s other hand reached for the knife in his back pocket, tightly gripping the handle. His fingers itched to use it on someone. He lowkey wished Siwon would say something to piss him off. He momentarily imagined what it would look like if he were to carve his name on Siwon’s face. 

“Y-You’re not a bad person” 

Donghae smiled, letting go of the knife as he stepped back. “Thanks!”

On the wall behind the computer was a soft board with a yellowed piece of paper pinned to it. Donghae yanked it out, tearing a part of the top where it had been pinned.

It had a list of names in black ink and numbers written next to it in blue ink. They were all six figures. 

“What is this?” Siwon asked, peering at the page. 

“I don’t know”

There were about 10-12 names and Donghae recognized the last three. 

Taeyoung

Yunho

Changmin

In the margin ‘Butcher’ was scribbled with a phone number underneath. 

Donghae recognized the paper to be similar to that of his diary and suddenly remembered what he was here for. “Come on now. Look for my diary. Quick!” He folded the piece of paper and shoved it into his pocket next to the knife.

He started searching the whole room in the dim yellow light while Siwon got busy deleting the footage. Donghae kept glancing at the screen from time to time, making sure that Siwon didn’t play any of the footage.

Donghae grew impatient. He wanted to read his diary so bad. He wanted to know so many things. 

“FUCK!” He kicked the desk, startling Siwon. “Where is my diary!?”

“It must be here we’ll find it”

“It’s not here!!” Donghae snapped. “It’s–” He tripped over a raised tile and fell. The tile came out, exposing a duffle bag underneath. 

The two men looked at it with wide eyes.

Siwon grabbed the two handles of the bag and pulled it out, placing it on the floor. He unzipped it and pushed the flap aside.  

“What the fuck?!” Donghae exclaimed, crawling to the bag and grabbed bundles of cash from inside. 

“That’s…. a lot of money”

“Wait” Donghae pulled out the piece of paper from his pocket. It made sense now. The numbers were how much he was paid. 

But what about the names? He wondered if he was paid to kill all of them.

“I think that’s…. that’s how much these people owed me. This figure next to their names is how much they owed me” He lied.

“You were a loan shark?”

“I don’t know, maybe?”

A beam of torchlight seeped through the windows.

“Somebody’s here!” Siwon squealed, shrinking behind the bed. 

There were loud knocks on the door. “Hello?”

Donghae sat still, eyes fixed on the door. 

“Hello? Is someone in there?”

“Should I switch off the light?” Siwon whispered. “He’ll know we’re in here if I switch it off right? Oh my god we shouldn’t have come”

“Shut up,” Donghae scolded. With the support of the bed, he slowly got to his feet and made his way to the door. 

The man outside flashed the torchlight through the tinted glass on the door.  

“Hyung!” Siwon whisper-yelled trying to warn him against opening the door. 

Donghae’s fingers wrapped around the cold brass knob, his heart pounding in anticipation. He gripped the knife in the other hand and slowly twisted the knob. 

Donghae squinted, shielding his eyes when the torchlight was shoved in his face.

“Who are you?” The uniformed guard asked. 

Donghae smiled faintly. “Oh, I’m sorry did I startle you? I live here”

“Nobody has been living here for years”

“I have”

The watchman peered over his shoulder suspiciously. “What’s going on inside? I want to see”

Donghae held the man in place with a hand firmly on his chest. “No.”

“Move or I will call the police”

Donghae pursed his lips in disappointment and moved to one side. “We’ve been caught,” He announced sadly. 

Siwon emerged from behind the bed with hands raised above his head as if he was surrendering.

“You two–”

Donghae whipped the back of the knife across the guard’s head. 

__________

It was about 7 in the morning. The sun was rising as Hankyung drove back to the precinct. He rubbed his eyes sleepily, making a mental note to order a cup of coffee once he reached.

It had been a long night. They found Jongwoon’s body in a deep freezer in Hyukjae’s basement. His skin was ashy, lips white and cracked. His eyes were wide open, staring up at him and hands wrapped around himself for warmth. 

Since the day Jongwoon had gone missing, Hankyung wished he would be found alive and now after seeing him, he was devastated.

But he wasn't half as sad as Hyukjae. He had anticipated Hyukjae to go bat shit crazy like he did when Jongwoon went missing. But his reaction was the complete opposite. He was silent and didn’t utter a word even when they took Jongwoon’s body away. He was so shocked, it made him numb. 

It took a while for it to sink in and when it did, Hyukjae dropped to the floor, sobbing. Hankyung knew it was the peak of his emotion. Hyukjae would break things and start shouting when he was angry, but he wasn't angry right now, he was broken.

Hankyung stayed by him as he cried. He rubbed his back, providing silent support. There was nothing he could say that would make Hyukjae feel any better. 

Hankyung informed him as politely as possible that he has to be suspended because the dead body was found in his house. He asked him to surrender his badge and gun when they reached the precinct.

Hyukjae was quiet throughout their journey but suddenly asked Hankyung to stop the car midway. He alighted the car and walked away. Just like that, Hankyung watched him disappear into the darkness. Hyukjae needed this time alone to get his thoughts together.

Hankyung had to inform Jongwoon’s family about what had happened, in the middle of the night. He hated this part of his job the most. Besides, they didn’t quite like Hyukjae so they jumped to the conclusion that he did it, and very strongly so. Hankyung was glad he was not around.

Then he went to the forensics, who told him that Jongwoon didn’t have signs of being forced into the freezer. He most likely climbed into it on his own. Considering his history of mental illness, the doctor said he might’ve been hallucinating and climbed into the freezer to ‘hide’ from his stalker and accidentally locked himself in. 

However, Hankyung didn’t believe that. He thought Jongwoon was asked to do so at gunpoint or something. If Jongwoon had willingly hidden in the freezer and there was no real person behind him, then who locked the basement? 

There were two keys to the basement. One was found in Jongwoon’s pocket and the other was still missing. 

Hankyung didn’t believe that Heechul had murdered him. It took him five minutes of digging up on the guy to find out that he was in prison when Jongwoon died. So how was Donghae so sure that Heechul did it?

Donghae had no criminal records. In fact, he had no records of any kind. That’s when Hankyung realised how less he knew about him. Before his accident, Donghae never spoke to him and after the accident he didn’t remember anything. It was surprising that Hyukjae too didn’t know much about who Donghae was. 

On entering the precinct, Hankyung saw Hyukjae’s phone, badge and gun lying on his desk. He turned to the officer sitting at the next desk. “Is Hyukjae here?”

“Yeah….I’m sorry I didn’t know he was suspended”

“No, it’s okay, I asked him to surrender his gun and badge here. Where is he?”

“Umm…. remember the perp you got in a few hours ago?”

“Don’t tell me you let Hyukjae meet him”

“I… He was so angry I was too afraid to say anything”

Hankyung cussed under his breath and rushed to the interrogation room. 

Hyukjae slammed Heechul’s face into the desk and pulled him back up by the hair. His nose bled profusely, blood dripping all over his clothes.

Hankyung pulled Hyukjae away and stepped in to examine Heechul’s face. “Are you okay!?” 

His face was covered in little scratches and cuts. His left eye was mildly swollen. He spat some blood on the floor and flipped off Hankyung.

Hyukjae kicked him off the chair and pounced on him.

Hankyung caught hold of Hyukjae's arms dragged him out of the room..

“Let me go, I'm going to kill him!” 

“Hyukjae stop it!”

“He killed Jongwoon!” Hyukjae shouted, shoving him away.

“He did not! Heechul was in prison when he died!”

All anger within him dissipated instantly and his face fell. “What…?”

“He was released in December last year. 11 months after Jongwoon died”

“He has an accomplice” 

“Then we have to find that accomplice. You can’t go around beating the crap out of him without any evidence!”

“Donghae said he did it!”

“His words aren’t evidence,” Hankyung reminded. “Please. Stay out of this. If Heechul turns out to be innocent, then he can sue you for assault”

“He’s not innocent. He tried to kill Donghae too!”

“Just because he kidnapped Donghae does not mean he killed Jongwoon”

“That man is clearly out of his mind. I don’t know what more evidence you need”

Hyukjae was a great detective and if it wasn't for his judgement being clouded right now, he would’ve understood Hankyung.

“Hey, you’re not thinking straight–” 

“Fuck you”

“I get you’re angry–”

“No you don’t! You don’t know what I’m feeling! You’ll never know! Forget it. I’m leaving. I’ve kept my gun and badge here”

“Wait, I need to talk to you”

“About what?”

“Interrogation” 

“For what?”

“Jongwoon’s body was found in your apartment.” 

“You think I did it?”

Hankyung frowned, pulling him into a secluded corner. “Why didn’t you tell me about Jongwoon’s will?” 

“How does that matter?”

“ How does that matter???? Hyukjae that changes everything!” 

__________

The last thing Hyukjae wanted was to be questioned, but there he was sitting in the same chair Heechul was, sometime ago. Hankyung asked Heechul to be taken away and be given first aid. Meanwhile, he was going to interrogate his friend.

A dim light bulb hung above the desk. Hankyung sat down opposite him and opened up Jongwoon’s case file from two years ago. 

“Where were you on 29th January 2021?” He asked, skimming through the pages.

“I was with you. We were wrapping up on the double homicide case in Yongsan”

“When did you go home?”

“About 10:30 at night”

“And Jongwoon wasn't there?”

“No”

“Did you call him?”

“He didn’t answer”

“He called you about 8-9 times that evening. Why didn’t you answer?”

“We had an argument that morning. I was mad at him”

Jongwoon could be facing a minor inconvenience and Hyukjae would drop everything and talk to him. It was unlike him to hold a grudge like that. 

“You reported him missing an hour after you got home. Why so soon? People usually wait 24 hours before filing a complaint. How were you so sure that he had gone missing?”

“Jongwoon wouldn’t leave the house until it was absolutely necessary. He was afraid of crowds and afraid of going out alone. If a person like that is out for two hours, it’s pretty obvious something’s wrong”

“What about his stalker? Who do you think it could be?”

“I don’t know”

“Okay…. You’ve been paying your debts using Jongwoon’s money?”

“Yes”

“The house you’re living in, your car and the apartment you mortgaged, both belong to him?”

“Yes”

“So you’ve been living off him for the past two years?”

“Thanks for rubbing that in my face.”

“You stole money from him?”

Hyukjae looked away. “I needed it….”

“Why didn’t you ask him?”

“It was a mistake. I really needed to pay off some loan shark and I was in a hurry. I did not steal from him. I was going to tell him later, but he found out before I could”

Hankyung shut the file and placed his elbows on the desk, leaning forward. “Tell me about the will”

“Who told you about it?”

“Doesn’t matter”

“Jongjin did, didn't he?”

“Hyukjae, tell me about the will”

“Jongwoon made a will, about a month before he…. disappeared. According to it, after his death, all his property would go to his younger brother”

“Why did he do that?”

“He thought I was trying to poison him. He thought I wanted to take over his property. So he made that will”

“So the will would take action only when Jongwoon died, right?” 

“Yeah”

“If he was missing–which he was until last night–you could freely use his property”

“Okay fuck you man”

“Look, I know it’s hard for you but this is my job. You would’ve done the same”

“You really think I did it?! We had our ups and downs BUT I LOVED HIM!”

“I did not say you did it”

“That’s what you’re implying dammit! I stole money from him, that’s a different thing. But the poisoning part was all in his head! You just want me to admit that I did it, don’t you! Fine. I did it. Happy? Are you content now?? Instead of going after Heechul you’re coming after me! All couples have problems! But I would never murder him!”

“His body was found in YOUR basement! YOU are the prime suspect! You think the court will believe when you say that you DID NOT KNOW there was a dead body in your goddamn house!? Lee Hyukjae you can throw tantrums here but NOT in court. So you better answer all my questions so I can save your ass from getting convicted!”

Hyukjae looked down at his hands bundled in his lap. “I’m sorry…”

“I know how much you loved Jongwoon…. but the prosecution is going to bring all this up” 

“These are just allegations. There is no proof that I did anything”

“Right” Hankyung sighed. “Do you want to take a break?”

“Yeah, please”

Chapter Text

Hankyung and Hyukjae were sitting on two opposite ends of the couch in the breakroom.

“Do you really think I did it?” Hyukjae asked softly, fiddling with the button of his shirt.  

“No”

“Be honest”

“I don’t think you did it… but I also don’t think Heechul did”

“Then who? Not me, not him, then who??”

“Donghae?”

“What?” Hyukjae whipped his head towards him with a scowl. “Now you’re targeting him?”

“Hyukjae you’re a cop and a great one. Look at this case from the point of view of the police. Donghae used to follow you around, he took a bullet for you, he carved your name on his arm. I don’t think it's far fetched for him to murder your boyfriend”

“Maybe he was a little crazy about me but he would never harm anybody else”

“How do you know that??? You don’t know anything about him! Where is he from? Where is his family? What did he do for a living? You don’t know anything, do you?”

Hyukjae remained silent.

Hankyung rolled his eyes. “Anyway, the autopsy reports said Jongwoon was alive for a whole day before he suffocated to death. He said Jongwoon might’ve accidentally trapped himself in the freezer….”

“The basement door wouldn’t be locked then.” 

“That’s what I thought”

“Who performed the autopsy?”

“Dr. Cho”

“Kyuhyun?”

“Yeah”

Hankyung waited for a while, looking at his friend, silently probing him to say something. He couldn’t help feeling that Hyukjae had something to say. He could see it in his tense brows and the restlessness with which he bounced his feet. 

Hyukjae said nothing. He pretended to not see Hankyung staring at him from the corner of his eye.

“I hope I’m wrong about Donghae….”  Hankyung said as he stood up and went out to get himself a cup of coffee.

“You aren't,” Hyukjae muttered.

Standing in the doorway, he glanced around and slipped out of the breakroom when nobody was watching. The door at the end of the corridor led downstairs to the evidence room. 

Hyukjae snuck in, tiptoeing down the stairs. Ceiling-high shelves with dark brown boxes filled the room. Each box was labelled with a case number. He navigated past the aisles, sifting through numerous boxes. It took him a while to find the one belonging to Jongwoon’s case. 

“Case K3820” He read the label and carefully removed the lid. 

Encased in a ziplock bag was a tan leather diary. The bag was labelled ‘Kim Heechul’s car’. Hyukjae removed the diary from the bag and hid it under his jacket. There was another bag within the first one, containing a key. On taking a closer look, he recognized it. It was the second key to his basement. 

Hyukjae put everything back in place as he had found it and left. He crossed his arms across his chest, covering up the bulge caused by the diary and hurried out of the precinct. Careful not to bump into Hankyung on the way, he scrambled to his car and stuffed the diary into the glovebox among other things. 

“Where were you???” Hankyung asked as soon as he returned. He was standing in the middle of the precinct with a coffee cup in one hand, looking for Hyukjae.

“My car was in the no parking area, so I moved it” Hyukjae replied offhandedly. “Did you get any evidence from Heechul’s car?”

“Yeah, it’s in the evidence room but I haven’t checked it yet”

“About time you should”

Hankyung’s eyebrows furrowed in suspicion. “What did you do?”

“Nothing”

“You found something in there, didn’t you?”

“The key to my basement” Hyukjae said, looking all proud because he was right about Heechul being the killer.

“Really?”

“Now do you believe he’s behind all this?”

“Firstly, you are not allowed to snoop around like that. You are suspended. Stop interfering in my work” 

“Then start looking in the correct direction,” Hyukjae said, grabbing his phone from the desk.

“Where are you going?”

“To the hospital. To see Donghae” 

“I’m not done interrogating you” 

“Yeah, yeah just call me,” Hyukjae replied, waving his phone. 

__________

Donghae woke up nestled in a comfortable bed. He immediately identified the scent of the hospital room. His right hand was injected with a couple needles, secured with tape and his stab wound stung a lot less. 

He tried to remember what happened but he was blank. The last thing he remembered was the guard knocking on the door. Unable to rest, he sat up. He had to get out of there. He had to find his diary and his money. 

“You’re up,” Siwon remarked as he entered. “How are you feeling now?”

“What happened? How did I get here?”

“I brought you here” 

“Why?” Donghae asked angrily. “I told you I needed to find my diary”

“You fainted because of excessive bleeding”

“What about that guard?”

“You knocked him out….”

“And my money”

“Don’t worry about that. I have kept it safely in my car and I also deleted all the footage” Siwon propped up the pillow behind Donghae and nudged him back to lean against it. “Comfortable?”

Donghae nodded, folding his legs. 

Siwon sat on the edge of the bed, observing the tense look on his brother’s face. “Don’t be stressed it’s not good for the baby”

“Whose baby?”

“Your baby. Why didn’t you tell me you’re pregnant? I’m gonna be an uncle!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?! Who said I’m pregnant??? I am not pregnant”

“You are. You didn’t know that? The doctors said you are. Thankfully it didn’t hurt the baby”

“Dude I cannot be pregnant. I am not pregnant”

“I get it. This isn’t the best way to find out, but it’s the truth”

“Fuck off–”

“Heyy~” Hyukjae popped his head in from the crack in the door.

Donghae’s face lit up when he saw him.

“How are you now??”

“I’m good. Come here” Donghae opened his arms, beckoning him for a hug.

Hyukjae cupped his face, kissing the top of his head. 

Donghae turned his face up, pouting. 

Hyukjae smiled, kissing his lips softly. Donghae wrapped his hands around his hips, pulling him closer. Hyukjae’s fingers curled into his hair as he licked Donghae’s lips asking for entrance.

Discomforted by the sight, Siwon walked out.

Donghae pulled away when he felt a sharp stinging in his abdomen. 

“Uh… I want to tell you something–”

“Can we talk later? We gotta leave right now” Hyukjae interjected and yanked the needles from his hand. 

“What the–” 

He pulled Donghae to his feet and handed him his clothes from the closet. “Quick”

Donghae scrunched his nose at the smell of blood from his shirt and picked at the dry blood. “I’m not wearing this. It stinks”

“We don’t have time for this baby”

“I am not wearing it.” Donghae replied sternly.

Hyukjae grabbed both his arms roughly. “We barely have an hour until Hankyung finds out what we’ve done.”

Donghae stared at him in confusion. “What…. have we done?”

Hyukjae pulled the diary from under his jacket. “You want this don’t you?”

“What’s that?”

“Your diary” 

Donghae pounced on him but Hyukjae swirled out of the way, causing him to stumble forward. He caught Donghae with one hand around his waist.

“Ow!” He winced, pushing Hyukjae’s hand away when it brushed past his wound.

“Sorry. Here,” Hyukjae gave him the diary. 

Donghae ran his fingers over the tan leather cover. It felt….. familiar? No. No, it didn’t. But he was trying so hard to feel something. The corner of his lips curled upwards. He finally found it. The answer to all his questions.

“You look pretty when you smile,” Hyukjae said, caressing his cheek.  “Now can we get out of here please?”

Donghae was stubborn. He said he wouldn't wear the bloodstained clothes and he didn't. With the lack of a better option, Hyukjae complied. He gave him his jacket so it wouldn't be that obvious that Donghae was sneaking out. He zipped the jacket all the way to his neck to hide the hospital outfit he was wearing. 

Within ten minutes they were driving out of the hospital premises. Donghae sat in the backseat, clutching his diary. 

"Where are we going?" 

"To some place nobody will find us"

"Why? What did we do??" Donghae asked feigning nervousness. He got no answer. 

"Hyukjae I asked you something"

"What???"

"What did we do!?"

"Don't pretend like you don't know"

Hyukjae pulled next to a sidewalk opposite a school and unbuckled his seatbelt. “Stay here. I’ll be back”

“Where are you going–” 

Hyukjae slammed the door shut, ignoring his question.

Donghae watched as he went into the school, along with several other parents who had come to pick their kids. As much as Donghae hated not knowing what was going on, he found it intriguing. Hyukjae seemed all the more attractive now, giving off the mysterious vibe.

About ten minutes later, Hyukjae returned with a kid and made him sit in the backseat. Donghae remembered seeing the kid but he couldn’t quite place him yet.

“Hi Uncle Hae” The kid chirped as he got in. He was about 7 years old. He was wearing a pristine white school uniform and his little feet dangled a few inches off the floor.

“Remember me? I’m Henry”

Right. Henry. Hankyung’s son.

Donghae looked at Hyukjae in the rear view mirror as he started driving. 

“Uncle Hyukjae and Uncle Donghae are taking Henry on a short trip and it’s going to be so much fun!” Hyukjae announced.

“Yessss!” Henry cheered loudly.

Donghae was unable to gauge what was going on in Hyukjae’s mind. His gummy smile looked so twisted. He loved it!

With one hand on the wheel, Hyukjae bent sideways, reaching for the glovebox. He got out two phones, a silver and a black one. He passed the silver one to Donghae. “Call Butcher. Tell him we’re coming”

Donghae stared at him in part bewilderment and part confusion.

“Call him and tell him that it’s H. He doesn’t know your real name”

__________

Hankyung sat opposite Heechul in the interrogation room. Dishevelled hair, swollen face and nostril plugged with cotton, Heechul laid back in the chair. He was cocky nonetheless.

“Do you know what you’re saying?”

“Yes. Hyukjae has helped Donghae with every single murder. Do you know how dumb you are to not have caught on yet?”

“Do you have any proof?” Hankyung asked, trying not to lose his temper. Questioning Heechul required a hell lot of patience. Despite having a high tolerance for bullshit, Hankyung found it difficult to keep his calm. 

“I do. But what’s the point if you can’t do your job as a cop”

“Being like this won’t get you out of prison”

“Who said I’m trying to get out of prison?” Heechul scoffed. “I lost, I know, but you know how fucking happy it makes me to see you struggle like this and beg me to answer? It’s nice to know you can’t do shit without my help”

“Don’t give yourself so much importance. I don’t need you. I was giving you an opportunity to help us and reduce your sentence”

“Hmm…” Heechul nodded slowly. “Hard pass”

Hankyung sprang from his chair and turned to leave. He was done. Heechul was a dead end. He’d rather spend time looking into the case. 

“Be careful” 

Hankyung paused in his tracks.

“What?”

“They’re both lunatics. Worse together” 

Hankyung opened his mouth to ask something, but he was interrupted by a call. It was his wife.

“Hey, I’m in the middle of something important, if it’s not urgent then–” 

“Henry’s with you right?”

“No…. Why would he be with me? I thought you were going to pick him”

“I was. But his teacher said he left ten minutes ago. Your friend came to pick him. Was it Hyukjae?”

“No Hyukjae’s not….. SHIT!”

Chapter Text

27 August 2008

Aunt Yoojin brought me to meet the psychiatrist again after what happened yesterday.

Yunho let Changmin ride his bicycle but when I asked him, he said I was too small for it, even when I told him I wasn't. I was being really nice to him. But I know he hates me. They both do. 

So in the evening, when he returned home, I proved to him that I wasn't TOO SMALL for his cycle. While he was coming home, I ran over his foot with the cycle. 

It was so funny to watch a 13 year old boy cry and complain to his mother, like a baby. 

There were tyre prints on his feet and now Changmin is afraid to say no to to me for anything.

That’s how you teach a lesson to disrespectful kids. 

I think I would make a good dad. Ew who wants to be a dad

But Aunt Yoojin thinks what I did was bad. Of course she supports her son and not me. She doesn’t see that he said no to me when I asked him nicely to let me ride the cycle. It’s his fault that this happened to his feet.

After asking me a lot of questions, the psychiatrist asked me to wait outside while she talked to Aunt Yoojin.

When I was sitting on the bench outside, I met a strange boy. 

He was standing outside the doctor’s cabin with his ear on the door. He was listening to their conversation but his eyes were fixed on me. One moment he was frowning and the other his eyes were wide like saucers. 

He came to me sometime later. 

“Hey kiddo,”  He said, standing right in front of me. He was really tall. I want to grow that tall too when I grow up.

“I said hi” He repeated, striking my head.

I shoved him away. 

He stumbled back, laughing. “Oooh~ you’re so strong for a kid”

“I am not a kid” 

“I’m 19 and you’re like what, 8?”

“I am 10”

“Whatever. You’re a kid and apparently a very very crazy one” 

HOW DARE HE CALL ME CRAZY!!!!! 

“The two ladies inside are discussing how deranged you are. You must be such a pain in the ass” 

I wanted to kill him so bad. The way he was smiling, I think he enjoyed making me angry. I hate him so much! I HATE HIM SO MUCH! 

“What are you looking at huh?” He struck my head again when I didn’t stop staring at him. 

“Don’t touch me” I warned him. 

“Or what?” He shoved me against the wall. “What are you gonna do?”

“I will kill you.” 

He started laughing. 

I had to hold back because Aunt Yoojin was there or I really would’ve killed him.

“Aww~I would love to see how you kill me” He pinched my cheeks really hard. “I’ll make it easier for you. My name is Lee Hyukjae and I come here every week at 4 for counselling. Lemme see how you kill me now”

No, I don't want to go to that awful place again and again. I hate it there. The doctor makes me sit in one place and asks me so many questions. Then she and Aunt Yoojin talk about me. I know they think I am crazy. I don’t want to be admitted to a mental hospital. 

I have to be nice. I have to be good. 

I don’t want to see that doctor or that boy ever again. 

H signing out.

9/12/15 

I knew it! I knew I had seen him somewhere. He’s that guy. Lee Hyukjae. I met him seven years ago. In hindsight, I should’ve killed him that day. I wouldn’t be in this situation then. 

I thought they had closed Yoojin’s case but this asshole had to interfere. Yesterday he came home to tell Taeyoung that the fire may not have been accidental. 

I was standing by the stairs when he said that and I KNOW he was indirectly saying that to me. I saw that smirk on his face. He thought he could threaten me because he found my lighter.

I don’t understand. Everything EVERYTHING BURNT DOWN in that kitchen except my lighter. 

“You can’t prove it’s mine,” I told him, when he called me outside and showed me the lighter.

He turned it to show the “H” engraved in it. I had given a lot of money to get it engraved in gold.

“Not many places engrave lighters. I know where you got this from and if I want, I can easily prove that you started that fire”

When he said “I want” I knew he had something else in mind. 

“but we needn’t go that far….” He smiled slyly. “If you can give me a good price for not turning you in, we’re good”

“What do you want?”

“What can you give me?”

I couldn’t guess from his expressions what he really wanted. 

He leaned against his car, playing with my lighter. He kept flicking the lid to start the fire and flipped it back down. 

“1 million won. Cash”

“I don’t have that much money”

He shrugged. “Then I don’t have a reason to save you”

“I’m 17! Where do I get so much money from!?”

He grabbed my wrist, twisting it as he pushed me against the car. “You’re so fucking sick, kid” He whispered into my ear. “Be grateful I’m treating you like a human. People like you belong in a cage”

I wanted to claw his eyes out.

“If you can set your aunt on fire, you can get my money too. I don’t care how you get it”

It’s not like I cannot get that much money. Last week I sold her bracelet which was apparently really in demand online. Two days ago I sold a pair of heels. Yoojin was high maintenance. But all this money is for me. But idk what I want to buy. I don’t want to give it to that officer either.

I’m thinking I’ll run away, fake my death and move to another city. 

No. That’s too much effort. 

Should I kill him too?

No. He’s a cop. He’ll figure out.

This is so fucking ANNOYING

H signing out.

11/12/15 

I thought about it. There’s no point in fighting someone who’s way more powerful. I gave him 1.5 mil . I threw it at his face.

He looked pleased to get extra money. 

“Thanks man”

“Why didn’t you turn me in?”

“What would I get from that? Solved cases are anyway more paperwork. This will be tossed into a pile of cold cases. If not solving a case can get me 1.5 million, why not?”

I used to think police officers were righteous people. 

“And you call me sick in the head? You suck at the one job you have”

“Don’t compare me with yourself. You are the result of a sad as fuck childhood and it shows”

That’s it.

I punched him in the face.

He stumbled back and blood dripped down his nostril.

I was ready for a fight.

He wiped the blood with the back of his hand and laughed. “Boy, you’ve got balls” 

The next moment, he rammed his knee in my stomach, knocking the air out of me. I collapsed, clutching my chest for breath. It was like my lungs stopped working for a few seconds. 

“Don’t make me regret letting you go”

Once I’m done with Minji, I will come after this motherfucker. 

H signing out.

24/2/16 

Again??? IT HAPPENED AGAIN! What ARE THE FUCKING CHANCES THAT HYUKJAE WAS ON MINJI’S CASE 

The moment he got to know Minji and I were in the same class, he called me ‘privately’ to ask questions.

“I didn’t kill her”

“I haven’t even started asking you anything. I’ll decide if you killed her or not”

I wasn’t sure then if he had something on me or not so I kept denying it.

“You live in the same apartment complex as Oh Sungho”

“So what? Many others live there too”

“But you’re the only one who was in Minji’s class”

“So? I have never talked to her. I didn’t even know that old man was her tutor”

Hyukjae chuckled, rubbing his forehead. “Look, I already helped you once. I am asking you if you did it or not so I can help you again”

Bullshit. 

“I did not kill her”

“Don’t lie”

“I did not murder Minji or her that old man.”

“Where were you on the night of the 21st?”

“At home”

“I can check your call records”

“Go ahead”

I didn’t use my own phone. I have two.

“The forensic will find the DNA of the perpetrator in Minji’s nails”

I shook my head. “I heard all her fingernails were removed”

“How do you know that?”

“I said I ‘heard’ it. Somebody from school told me. You know, these kids get gossip from anywhere”

“Ahh…” he nodded. “You’re smart”

I was really proud of myself at that moment. 

“But not smart enough” He turned his phone to show pictures of me digging the hole where I buried Minji.

“You know that night you came to give me money. I saw crampons in your bag and I knew you were up to something nasty. I followed you for days when you went hiking” He slipped his phone back into the pocket. “Of course this can stay between us. 2 million won. Cash”

“I don’t have-”

“You know how horribly you’ve murdered those two? I am not taking any less”

I haven’t spent on anything for myself. I don’t feel like buying anything but I also don’t want to give him that money. It’s mine. 

“I can give you 1.5 million. That’s all I have”

He thought for a moment and then agreed.

“Fine. Give me the remaining in instalments. I am not getting off your back till then”

That fucking asshole. I swear I’ll kill him one day.

H signing out.

2/8/16 

I was so HAPPY when Heechul was sentenced to 5 years in prison but then I saw Hyukjae. I don’t even know how he knew I was there. How does this man know everything!

But he was different today. 

“Did Heechul really do that to you?” He asked softly. Pity. I saw pity in his eyes. 

“Don’t act like you care”

“Unlike you, I feel for others”

“Oh fuck off”

“Donghae, I'm sorry”

It felt weird to have someone say sorry to me. Nobody has ever apologised to me before. 

“Whatever relation we have is fucked up but there is something. I came because I felt bad about saying mean things to you”

He was lying. I don’t know what he wants from me. 

“I don’t have any money to give you. So leave me alone”

“I’m not here to ask for money. I really am sorry for being mean to you”

“No you were right. I am fucked up and I won’t stop murdering people. I will do as I like”

“Do you wanna be partners? You murder, I cover up and you pay me”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“That’s what you’ve been doing. We can cut out all the crap where I ask you if you’ve done it and you keep denying” He nudged me. “Come on. It’s a good offer”

It feels like a trap. 

I know it’s a trap. 

I rejected his offer. If he wasn’t so sly, I might’ve considered it. He looks like he’ll double cross me. I don’t trust him. He’s intelligent and hot. Why would I not want him as my partner! BUT I CAN’T TRUST HIM 

UGH

H signing out.

4/2/17

I have refrained from murder since so long. My hands itch to squeeze the life out of someone. It’s been so long since I saw terror in someone’s eyes, their body bleeding everywhere as they tried their best to fight me. 

All because of Hyukjae. I don’t want to give him my money. Every time I think of killing, I see his face. I see that smile that mocks me. It makes me so angry SO ANGRY

H signing out.

7/2/17

I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was coming back from the convenience store and got mugged by a petty thief. It was dark and the streetlights in that alley weren’t working either. He thought that would be a safe place to mug someone. 

Too bad, it was also a safe place to smash bottles on his head until his whole face was covered in blood. I wasted all my soju bottles on him. I smashed six bottles on his head. He probably died in the first three hits. 

It felt so good. 

But I had created a big mess. My DNA was most probably everywhere.

Just then, a white van pulled up next to me. 

I backed up, balling my fists. I won’t go down without a fight.

A man rolled down the windows and looked down at the dead body. He was wearing a cap and due to the lack of lights, I couldn’t see his face. Well, he couldn’t see mine either so that was good.

“That is very messy,” he remarked. 

“Get going if you don’t want to end up the same way” I warned. 

“Toss him in the van and I’ll get going”

“What????”

“Put the body in the van and I’ll leave”

I was dumbfounded. 

I did as he said and put the body in the back of his van. 

“I saw the way you were whacking him with the bottles. Have you killed before?”

I didn’t answer.

“Your silence tells me you have”

“Three people. I have killed three people” I glanced at the pool of blood on the sidewalk. “Four now”

“Enjoy doing it or do you work for someone?”

“I punish people who trouble me”

“So you do it for fun. Okay. Work for me” He brought out a thick bundle of cash from the glovebox and offered it to me. “7 million won token. The rest I’ll give you after you get me another body”

I couldn’t believe it. He really gave me that much money. 

“I am not a hitman”

“I know. You murder whoever you want and give the body to me”

“Why?”

“That’s none of your business. You’ll get as much money as you want, provided the body is clean. I want all organs and limbs intact”

“Forget it. I kill people my way”

“Okay, how about this? You give me at least three clean ones in a year and the rest you do as you like”

“Why are you doing this?”

“We all need to help each other to survive right? Think of me as a friend” he extended his hand. “My name’s Butcher”

I took the offer and the money. 

I have a brilliant idea. I’m going to find Hyukjae and ask if he still wants to be my partner. I’ll give him 2 million. That isn’t a lot if Butcher's paying me so much. This is the best thing that could happen to me!

H signing out.

“What are you reading?” Henry asked peeking into the diary Donghae was reading.

Donghae shut the book and tucked it under his arm. “Nothing go away”

They had stopped at a remote gas station. It was old and run down, with a shady little convenience store adjoining it. Hyukjae had gone there to get something to eat, leaving Donghae in the car with the kid. Donghae’s gaze was fixed on the flickering neon signboard of the convenience store.

He knew Hyukjae’s personality as a detective was starkly different, like someone flipped a switch and turned off all emotions. He had heard it from Hankyung as well.

Donghae liked that he was different with him, that he was softer. But he found Hyukjae’s shrewdness even more attractive and he bet he found it attractive back then too.

A knock on the window made Donghae jump.

Hyukjae waved a sandwich and gestured him to lower the window.

”Guess what I found, avocado sandwich. I don’t know how it’ll taste though” He chuckled, handing it over to Donghae. “It’s from a crappy gas station store so don’t expect much”

He gave bag full of chocolates and biscuits to Henry.

”All this for me!” The little boy squealed delightfully.

”Of course sweetheart” Hyukjae replied, flashing his gummy smile.

Donghae stomach churned with uneasiness. He opened the door without warning, nearly slamming it in Hyukjae’s face. 

He pulled him away from the car and when Henry was out of earshot, Donghae spoke. “What are you doing?”

”I thought you must be hungry. You haven’t eaten since last night”

”No, I mean the kid. Why is he with us??”

”Baby, Hankyung will soon know that I have helped you cover up for all those murders.” Hyukjae cupped his face gently. “But as long as we have Henry, he won’t do anything to us”

Chapter Text

Hyukjae pulled over at the side of the street before a decrepit old 3-storey building. The board at the top read Goshiwon . There were a couple shops on the ground floor with their shutters down. It didn’t look like the building was operational.

Henry tightly held onto Hyukjae’s hand as they climbed up the creaky wooden stairs. Black sooty stains covered the walls. The staircase balustrade had cobwebs in some areas. The floor was carpeted from edge to edge with flower-patterned velvet that was most likely 7-8 shades lighter when this place had people. It was dirty sunlight yellow now. 

“Where are we going?” Donghae asked.

“Butcher’s hideout”

Why this butcher guy lived in a decrepit building was beyond Donghae. 

The air was heavy with a racy odour that made him scrunch his nose.

They finally reached the top floor and Hyukjae rang the doorbell. He had to ring it a couple times before the door was opened.

When Donghae read about ‘Butcher’ in his diary, he had a very different image in mind. He was expecting him to be some tall buff guy with deep scars on his face and an overall rugged look. 

The guy he saw was nowhere close to how he had imagined. 

Thick dark brown hair covered his forehead and most of his eyebrows. He was pale, paler than Donghae himself, and at present, quite irritable from being woken up from a nap. 

“Didn’t I tell you to inform me before coming over?” He asked, leaning against the doorframe. “The one day I come here after a hard day at work, you have to crash. What if I wasn't here? Don’t come here so casually. If anybody comes to know I live here, I’ll be in big trouble”

Hyukjae turned to Donghae with a slight frown setting between his brows. “Didn’t you call him?”

“He didn’t answer”

The pale guy stopped stretching midway, gaze settling on Donghae who was almost hidden behind Hyukjae. “H!????? Good god!” He shoved Hyukjae to the side and pulled Donghae into a bone-crushing hug. “It’s been so longggg!!!” His voice reverberated in Donghae’s ear. 

He pulled back, looking at him with amusement. Then his enthusiasm dissolved. “Wow, you really did lose your memory”

Donghae blinked. “What?”

“You wouldn’t even let me touch you, let alone hug you like that” He patted his shoulder. “I had to test it though. I’m Dr. Cho Kyuhyun by the way. You know me as Butcher” Kyuhyun extended his hand for a handshake but dropped it to the side when Donghae didn’t reciprocate. The little boy standing next to Hyukjae, holding his hand, caught his attention. 

“Why, you look like someone I know”

Henry hid behind Hyukjae when Kyuhyun leaned forward, grinning at him. He stuck out a hand to pet him when Hyukjae seized his wrist “not him.” He warned sternly. “He’s Hankyung’s son”

“H, are you hungry??? I have something nice to eat” Kyuhyun asked, completely ignoring Hyukjae.

He wandered into the kitchen. “It’s my own recipe, I made it yesterday for lunch. I think it’ll be pretty good if I heat it up a bit. You should try. I think it’s delicious” His words reduced to an incoherent babble in the back of Donghae’s mind as he followed Hyukjae into the living room, looking around curiously.

It was odd, the fact that nothing seemed out of the blue. He wasn’t expecting “Butcher” to be this… normal. His apartment looked like any other apartment, except for that smell that lingered. It was the same pungent odour that was there in the corridors of the floors below. It seemed to radiate from the sofa and the carpet and even the walls for that matter. It crept to the back of his throat, making him gag a little. 

“Don’t eat anything he gives you,” Hyukjae whispered before pressing a kiss on the side of his head. “I’ll put Henry to bed”

And before Donghae could process it and ask what did that even mean, Hyukjae had disappeared. 

“Here it is,” Kyuhyun emerged from the kitchen holding a plate of golden brown snacks. The same smell came from the plate.

Donghae scrunched his nose. “This smells weird” 

“You’ll get used to it. It tastes really good though, try one”

Donghae took a bite of the croquette. The meat was a bit tough and chewy. The insides were a deep reddish pink, like medium rare pork. 

“How is it?” 

“Good…”

“Right!” Kyuhyun squealed happily.

“What is it?” 

“Meat” 

“Pork??” 

“No…. it’s different. One of the finest meats you got me. What was the name now….. uhhhhh oh yeah, Changmin”

Donghae froze, wide-eyed.

“I kept him aside, using him only for special occasions. His meat is so tender and juicy”

Donghae covered his mouth, gagging. He rushed to the bathroom, feet slapping against the hard wooden floor. 

“You asshead! I’ll kill you!” Donghae hollered as he threw up in the toilet. Kyuhyun couldn’t hold his laughter.

Hyukjae came out listening to all the commotion.

“What happened?”

“He ate this and I told him it was human meat”

“What the hell is your problem!?” Hyukjae was agitated.

“It’s really funny to see H like this. He’s so soft and timid. I gotta make the most of it”

“Stop troubling him.”

Kyuhyun chuckled and picked up a piece of meat. “Want one?”

Hyukjae rolled his eyes. 

Kyuhyun shrugged and popped it into his mouth. “He is so different now. I can see it in his eyes. He had this blazing gaze at all times. And now he looks like a lost puppy. Remind me how he got into that accident, again?”

“He jumped in front of a car”

“Why?”

“We had a fight and he got pissed and tried to kill himself”

“Sounds unlike H to me”

“I’m already regretting coming to you for help”

“Jeez Hyukjae, don’t pretend like you had an option. What happened though? Why have you got Hankyung’s son here?” 

“I’ll explain later. I have to meet someone. Don’t let Donghae out of the house– oh also, this” Hyukjae brought out a transparent plastic bottle from his pocket and handed it to him.

Kyuhyun frowned. “Sedatives?”

“If Henry wakes up, give it to him. I don’t think he will, till evening and I’ll be back by then and…. do not eat him”

“Don’t talk to me like that. I’m not a monster!” Kyuhyun snapped.

Hyukjae believed that struck a nerve but he couldn’t be bothered. He slipped on his shoes, checked for his car keys in his pocket and headed out.

Donghae came out of the bathroom sometime later with a sour look, struggling to get the taste off his tongue. The weird smell that he sensed earlier in the living room, he felt like that smell was on his tongue now. 

Kyuhyun smiled, offering him another piece. “Want some more Changmin croquettes?”

“Fuck off” Donghae spat and plopped down on the couch, annoyed. 

“Come on, they weren’t that bad. You would’ve eaten them if you didn’t know it was human meat”

Donghae was disgusted just thinking about having eaten a human but he was irritated because his stab wound hurt from lurching and gagging trying to throw up.

“Did Hyukjae go somewhere?”

“Yeah he had some work” 

Donghae sighed and looked around for his diary. It was lying on the floor between the couch and the table. It had toppled when Donghae scrambled to the bathroom. He picked it up and dusted the leather cover before gently placing it on his lap. 

“So you don’t remember anything? Like nothing at all?” Kyuhyun asked.

Donghae shook his head. 

He remembered in bits and pieces, he didn’t remember people or places but he remembered feelings. He remembered how cold it was while hiking that night when he buried Minji that night and he faintly remembered toying with his lighter, back when he had one. The one which had its initials engraved. And then there were these random urges, intrusive thoughts that Donghae would struggle to not act upon. Every time he wrapped his fingers around a knife, he wanted to jab it into some flesh and watch blood spew. He knew it wasn't normal but he didn’t know why he had such urges. 

Donghae was H without the horrible childhood memories and he hated it. They were a part of him, they made him who he was. He would never be his old self without those memories.

“Do you want to know what kind of a person you were?”

“You knew me?”

“Kinda…. we worked together for a couple years so”

“We were friends?”

“You could say that I guess? You were really good at what you did. Got me the kinda meat I wanted and you didn’t care that I was eating people. Once I offered you grilled meat just like this. I told you it was human meat after you had taken a bite. You almost punctured my throat with a fork that day”

“And you say I was your friend?” 

“I wanted to be your friend. You… weren’t really interested. We didn’t talk much either. Sometimes when I was free, I would call you over for lunch and have human meat in front of you. You hated it. And I loved to irritate you. You hated that smell. You said my house smells like a human smelting furnace” 

“It does”

“And once we were–”

“Tell me more about me,” Donghae said, cutting him off.

Kyuhyun smiled, moving closer to him. “That’s what I was saying. Once I accompanied you to see how you kill people. We both are really opposites you know. I do it very systematically, preserving organs and making clean cuts. That’s a different thing that I do autopsy for a living. You are so messy. Blood gets everywhere and you don’t even care. But I like it..” There was an unusual glint in Kyuhyun’s eyes as he spoke. He rested one hand on the armrest of the couch and moved closer. “You look ten times more handsome when you have blood all over your face. Dark red blood splattered all over your face after you’ve just stabbed someone. You wipe it with the back of your hand but it only smears further, gets all over your cheeks and mouth. Your face is shining under the moonlight. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen……” 

Kyuhyun’s face was barely a few inches away, his gaze oscillating between Donghae’s eyes and lips. 

Donghae sat still in anticipation. 

Kyuhyun leaned in closer, licking his lips. "So beautiful.."

He suddenly darted back “I am going to get groceries. Do you want something?”

Donghae shook his head.

“Cool. Hyukjae said don’t go out. I’ll be back in an hour”

“Hey, get a pregnancy test kit”

Kyuhyun stared back in astonishment. “A what???”

“Pregnancy test kit”

“Uhhh….for you?”

“I need to confirm”

__________

Hyukjae was at a clinic. The suede carpet dampened his sharp footsteps as he walked over to the counter. 

“I want to meet Dr Park Jungsoo”

 The woman at the counter looked up and smiled gently. “Do you have an appointment?”

“He knows me”

“I’m sorry, Dr Park’s schedule is super busy for the day I can’t let you in”

“It’s urgent. Tell him it’s Detective Lee”

The woman hesitantly made a call using the telephone at her desk.

“Hi, Dr Park, Detective Lee is- oh.. okay I’ll send him in”

Hyukjae didn’t wait for her to put the receiver down and tell him where to go. 

He walked down the hallway on the left. This wasn’t the first time he was coming here. The receptionist, he thought, was perhaps new. He vaguely remembered the old one and she definitely did not put on such bright red lipstick.

Hyukjae stopped before a white door at the end of the passage that read Dr. Park Jungsoo in big letters and MD Psychiatry underneath. 

The room was somehow quieter than the outside surroundings. The blinds were halfway down and Jungsoo was pacing restlessly. He paused when Hyukjae entered. "What happened? Did something happen??"

“Yes. Did the police come to ask you anything?”

“About what?” 

“They’ve found Jongwoon’s body. They’ll come here. You know what to tell them”

“Oh… how?”

“In my basement”

Colour drained from Jungsoo’s face. “But–but you said he disappeared… he ran away from home didn’t he? because he thought you were trying to kill him. That’s what you told me!”

“He did” Hyukjae replied calmly

“Then how was he–”

“You will tell the police that Jongwoon had schizophrenia. You still have the reports right?” 

“But–”

“Don’t even think about telling them the truth!” Hyukjae slammed his palm on the teak table. “Do you know what’s the sentence for intended misdiagnosis? 2 years. And your misdiagnosis has hindered police investigation. So more. You don’t want to get into all that right? So tell them the exact same thing you did two years ago. That is the truth now”

Jungsoo didn’t want to get himself into this whole drama. He only needed a favour from Hyukjae but he didn’t know it could land him here. 

There was a DUI charge against him a few years ago. He was fined, his car insurance rates went up and he was supposed to serve a short period of jail time. Nothing could be worse for his career. So when Jungsoo came across Hyukjae, his high school friend, at the precinct one day, he was desperate for some help. 

Hyukjae was kind enough to get him out of it with only a mere penalty. Except Jungsoo had to return the favour when Hyukjae brought Jongwoon to him one day. Jungsoo ran a few tests and the results were fine. Jongwoon was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. Nothing to worry about because it was quite common and by all means, controllable. The shocking part was when Hyukjae asked him to make a fake diagnosis.

It was unethical, yes, but Jungsoo wasn't in a position to deny him. Definitely not after Hyukjae explicitly said that he would face consequences for not helping him. 

“Did you…. kill him..?” Jungsoo asked nervously. 

“Will my answer change what you’re going to say to the police?”

Jungsoo looked away, very well knowing that he couldn’t tell the truth even if he was certain that Hyukjae had done it. He didn’t want to get involved. 

“So, what will you tell them? What was wrong with Jongwoon?”

Jungsoo gulped. “….He was diagnosed with chronic schizophrenia, tendencies to self harm, aggression, social isolation and hallucinations” 

“Perfect.”

“Why did you…why did you-”

“You don’t wanna know”

__________

Donghae resumed reading his diary as soon as Kyuhyun left.

9/4/17

Butcher gave me 16 million for one body. 16 MIL. He said he’ll give me this much if I give him an intact body. It took everything in me to not stab holes into that one. But I’m getting 16 mil. That’s a good bargain I think? 

H signing out

12/4/17

I gave Hyukjae 3 mil. His face lights up everytime he sees a thick bundle of cash. I have never seen him smile. His tone changes so quickly. He’ll be a fucking prick one moment saying all kinds of things to piss me off. Fucking sadist. He says all sorts of mean things to me and I would’ve strangled him long ago if I didn’t need him. 

And suddenly his tone changes when I give him money. Like all problems of his life can be solved with money. 

H signing out

15/6/17

I feel so empty.

H signing out

3/7/17

Sometimes I feel so jealous of people who are happy. It’s so easy for them to be happy. Why can’t I have that? Nothing makes me happy. I have no problems. I get away with murders. I thought it made me happy. But what do I do otherwise? I want something. I really want something. But I don’t know what. I don’t feel like doing anything. Something is missing. I want something.

H signing out

21/9/17

I know what I want. I met Hyukjae today and I realised it’s the power he has that I want. It’s been bugging me since forever. He does it on purpose. He calls me crazy and psycho because he knows it makes me want to fucking gouge his eyes out. He thinks I can’t do anything. I will show him what I can do. 

H signing out

28/9/17

I finally found where he lives. I just need to find the exact location of his house. Then when he’s not around, I’ll get in and I will turn his life upside down. 

H signing out

4/10/17

Day 4 and I haven’t been able to find his house yet. I think he sleeps at the precinct. loser. 

H signing out

6/10/17

Hyukjae’s smile.  

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT

H signing out

8/10/17

Day before yesterday I met him. I didn’t meet him. I saw him in the neighbourhood where he lives. So I decided to follow him to his house but he didn’t go home. He went to a park. He was not wearing his usual clothes. He looked homeless in an oversized sweater. He was wearing big round glasses too. And a beanie. While the whole crowd was in one part of the park, Hyukjae sat on a secluded rock with his brown dog. 

I hid behind a bush nearby and saw what shit he was doing. 

Everything was normal. He was playing fetch with that thing.

And then the worst thing happened.

The dog jumped on him, toppling him over and started licking his face. It made him so happy. He was smiling so widely.

That smile. It wasn't the cocky grin that I had seen before. This was different.

It made me feel something. I can feel it even when I think of it. It’s like when I’ve found the cold side of my pillow. 

Chapter Text

4/1/18

Today I got a neon green dinosaur toy. It looks so embarrassing sitting on my bed like that but it reminds me of today and I want to remember today. 

Hyukjae and I met in his car again. He wanted to discuss something about Saeho’s murder. Anyway, so I saw this big glass box thing and there were kids standing around it. There was something inside the glass box, I couldn’t really see it from that far. It was colourful. The kids were peering into the glass box. I couldn’t figure out what they were doing. I was so focused on that thing, I forgot Hyukjae was talking.

“What the hell are you looking at that’s so important than what I’m saying?” Hyukjae asked, grabbing my jaw and turning it to face him.

“What’s that?” I asked, pointing at that glass box across the street.

“It’s a claw machine”

“What does it do?”

“You've never played with one before??”

“No. What are those kids trying to do??”

“They’re trying to get the toys that’s inside”

I squinted to look closely and yes there were toys inside. I found it so dumb. Kids are so dumb.

“Why can’t they open it from the back and take it what the fuck is the point of doing all this??”

He nudged me.“That’s the fun part. So you feel like you’ve earned it”

I got out of the car and went to see that glass box. 

I pushed the kids aside and looked into the box. It had a lot of animals. They were all ugly except one. A bright blue fish. I wanted that. I moved the joystick around and slammed the buttons but nothing happened. Nothing was working. I kicked the box trying to make it work. Then one of the kids told me that I needed to put in a coin for it to work. So basically that thing worked like a payphone

I put in a penny and it made some weird sound signalling that it had started. I moved the joystick, aligning it with fish and pressed the button. I watched as the claw thing went down. It grabbed the fish but while coming back up, it didn’t pick it up IT WAS SO FUCKING USELESS!

So I tried again. I carefully moved the joystick so it was right above my fish and lowered it. 

FAIL.

I tried again

And again

And again 

And again.

It was fucking stupid and so fucking impossible. I kicked the box angrily and walked away. My head hurt. I have never lost in my life. And this stupid little thing made me so fucking mad I wanted to break it. And I wanted to punch every kid who was laughing at me. 

I was standing round the corner trying not to pull my hair out.

Sometime later somebody tapped my shoulder. 

It was Hyukjae and he was holding the ugliest toy I have ever seen. A neon green dinosaur.

“I am an expert at claw machines” He said cockily, like it was some grand achievement.

“I don’t want this one. I wanted the blue one”

He frowned and shoved the toy in my hand. “Don’t be so picky. Keep it”

When he saw the stuffed toy tucked under my arm, he smiled and ruffled my hair. 

It was I was I like I felt so good when he did that. 

“Do it again,” I said.

“What?”

“What you just did. Do it again”

Hyukjae looked at his palm and then at me. 

“Do it” I repeated.

He hesitated at first but then put his hand on my head again.

I remember his touch, the weight of his palm and his fingertips brushing on my head. It feels so nice.

H signing out.

19/4/18

So I kinda fucked up. No, my plan was perfect. I got bored of my usual way of killing. Remember, I said I wanted to try something. So I decided I won’t kill Taehyun on my own. I will let him die. I tied his hands behind his back and his feet to a pole on the railway track.  

It was one of those intercity tracks where the high speed, heavy, freight train would crush his bones into powder. These aren’t like the usual trains in the city. Freight trains have an all metal body with sharp edges and rusty old wheels. He was going to feel every inch of it when it ran over him. The fun part was that he was completely conscious. He was going to experience so much pain. He was going to watch his death come closer and will not be able to do anything but cry and scream. But nobody lived there. The nearest settlement is about half a kilometre away and it was 2 in the night. It was dark and cloudy and crows were cawing all along, like they knew what was coming. It was the perfect weather to kill.

I waited impatiently for the train to arrive. About half an hour later I heard the train choo-choo at a distance. It was coming from the tunnel. It was a high-pitched ear-piercing shriek that made me cover my ears and back away into the fields. 

After the train was out of sight, I walked over to the tracks to see whatever was left of his body. I was expecting mutilated, organs and blood smeared all over the tracks, but there was nothing. The ropes were untied. Taehyun had escaped.

I was fucking furious until I found him. He was running down across the fields on the other side of the tracks. ADVENTURE TIME!!! I was excited to finally find someone who didn’t succumb to death like a loser. 

I happily chased him through the tall grass. 

He was limping but maybe his will to live was so high, he was able to run fast. I could catch him if I ran at full speed but what’s the fun in that? 

Rather, I enjoyed silently chasing him. He could hear my footsteps closing in and I know he must’ve shat his pants multiple times because he kept shouting for help.

I got bored after a while so I charged at him and knocked him down. I straddled him, sitting on his chest and with my favourite black knife, stabbed his throat. I drew the knife out and all the blood sprayed on my face and clothes. 

Taehyun tried to breathe but the slit in his windpipe made the air come out the other way. It was fascinating to see that he could still breathe a little that way. I stabbed his throat again and heard someone gasp. I turned around and saw a horrified man. He fled as soon as he saw me. 

I yanked my knife out of Taehyun’s throat and followed the man. He was really fast and I was already tired from chasing Taehyun. But I wasn't going to let him go. This was my first dual kill. Best day of my life!

I pounced on the man and caught his leg, causing him to trip over. I caught his ankle and stabbed his calf. It was tough to get the knife in so I drove it into the back of his knee. 

He screamed so loud, the crows perched on the electric wires flew away. I quickly sat on top of him and slit his throat before he could call any more people. 

It was exciting. I still remember feeling my heart racing when I was lying in the field facing the sky. Blissful. I have so much power. I decided their fate. I decide everyone's fate.

But there was a problem. I couldn’t clear two bodies on my own. So I called Hyukjae.

Honestly, I did not expect him to answer my call, and he did not the first two times. On the third call, he answered and to my greatest surprise, he came. All I told him was I was in trouble and I needed some help.

His clothes were crumpled, his face was puffy and his hair was a mess. He actually came straight out of bed. 

“It’s like you want to get caught,” he said, looking at my bloodied clothes.

I told him everything about how I wanted Taehyun to be run over by the train but he got away and I landed with two bodies at one time.

He shrugged. “So why’d you call me?”

“You should know how this happened, so tomorrow when you get a case of missing persons, you’ll know how to handle it”

No, I actually wanted some help to get rid of the bodies. 

“Throw them on the tracks. Another train should be here soon” said Hyukjae.

“I want to give these bodies to someone” 

I haven’t told him about Butcher yet. I am not going to. Or he’ll demand more money. 

He looked at me in confusion. “The dead bodies?”

“Yes”

“You’re giving the dead bodies to somebody??”

“Yeah”

“Who?”

“Somebody who’s interested in it. You gotta help me load the bodies into your car. If I do it myself, it will take too long and the sun will be up by then”

“I drove for a whole hour Donghae! For this!??? What the fuck is wrong with you!”

His reaction was hilarious actually. 

He argued with me saying that he won't let me put the bodies in his car. I would've used my car but one of the wheels got punctured on the way. After being completely against for ten whole minutes, Hyukjae agreed when I said I'll give him extra commission. 

His clothes got stained in the process of loading Taehyun's body into the trunk. 

“Do you have an extra shirt? I can’t go back like this”

I gave him one of my shirts. I keep a few in my car for such situations. I didn’t want to change mine because I liked the smell of blood on me. 

Hyukjae stood with his back towards me as he removed his soiled shirt. It looked so smooth, I wanted to bite it. I couldn’t help running a finger down his spine. 

“What the hell are you doing???” He asked, turning around and MY GOODNESS the front was breathtaking. I itched to run my fingers over his abs and chest and collar and shoulders. I could imagine doing it. I could imagine how smooth he must feel. 

“Can I touch you?”

“Excuse me?”

“I want to touch you” I said, extending a hand to touch him but he quickly wore the shirt and got into the passenger seat. 

He looked straight ahead pretending he couldn’t see me staring at him. I really wanted to touch him. 

“Donghae shut up and drive. I am not letting you touch me”

So we drove to the Goshiwon where Kyuhyun kept all the bodies. I deposited all the bodies in the shed and when I came back, Hyukjae was sitting in the driver’s seat.

He made me spray deodorant in his car to get rid of the stench. Then he dropped me home. 

As soon as I stepped into the lobby, the lights went out. 

I quickly stepped out into the open where there were streetlights. 

Hyukjae was still there where he had dropped me. He was spraying the boot with deodorant.

“Now what?” He asked, exasperated by my reappearance.

I shook my head.

I didn’t want to tell him I am scared of the dark.

“Then go home”

I ignored and stood against the light post watching him wipe down the boot to get rid of the smell and any stains. He was really determined to make it spotless. 

Meanwhile, I lit a cigarette. 

"Why are you standing here?"

"I don’t want to go home"

He dropped the rag into the trunk and shut it. Then he turned to me. "I’m really curious. What do you do for a living?"

"Murder"

"That’s your hobby. I’m asking what helps you pay for a flat and food and clothes?"

I REALLY wanted to tell him that that’s what I do for a living. 

"Why do you want to know?" I asked.

"I couldn’t find anything on you. No job ID, no graduation degree, so how are you paying for all this? How are you paying me?"

"Maybe I have a wish-granting fairy locked up in my house" 

"Interesting" 

"What about you? You take comission for each of my murders. What do you do with so much money?"

"Firstly, that isn’t “so much” money. Everything is so expensive now and considering how I am always close to death, the government doesn’t pay me enough. I need to find other sources" 

"So why did you become a cop?"

"My father was a police officer. So I got in too" He paused for a moment. "I wanted to be a dancer"

I can never imagine him being a dancer. I didn't understand the regret in his tone. 

"Then why didn't you?" 

"I couldn't. Tell me, who is this person who takes dead bodies on your behalf?" He changed the topic immediately. He was so secretive.

“That’s none of your business” I replied and blew a puff at his face. 

He scrunched his nose, warding off the smoke. "Aren’t you too young to be smoking?"

"I’m 20" 

"That’s young. You’ll most likely die young"

"So?"

"You don’t have any dreams do you?"

“I do. Last night I dreamt of a sea full of crabs–”

“No, I mean aspirations. There’s no goal you have in life. You just get short term pleasure from killing people right” 

“So what?”

“That’s sad”

“I have everything. I am not sad”

He got my thinking though. Is that why I feel so empty sometimes? Because I don't have any dreams?

“You can never have everything. Nobody can. Nobody does. There will always be something that you are striving to get”

His words didn’t make sense to me at that moment. 

“What are YOU striving to get?” I asked. Looking at him, it didn’t seem like he lacked anything.

Hyukjae stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Good question. A lot of things”

“Not me. I have everything”

I still hadn’t realised the fact that he wasn't referring to material things but come on. That man is so obsessed with money, of course he values material things more.

Hyukjae shrugged. “Good for you”

There was an awkward silence. I wanted to leave but the power was still out and he didn’t leave, I don’t know why. He stood there, leaning against his car, watching the sky. 

“Tell me something,” he said, breaking the silence. “Have you ever felt unworthy of another person?”

“What?”

“Nevermind” He shook his head and went around to get into his car.

I wanted to ask him what he meant but his car was already in ignition and the lights were back on too. 

So I came back home and as soon as I shut the door, the silence sank into my ears. It had always been there, only I was noticing it now. 

I kinda miss it now. I feel like talking to him. For 5 more minutes maybe?

I think I know what I am “striving for”. Someone to talk to.

H signing out.

18/8/18

I think my head is going to explode. I hate headaches

H signing out

20/8/18

I look like a clown. I have a red runny nose and it feels like someone’s constantly clawing at my throat. Being sick is so fucking annoying. I sleep so much and then I wake up next morning and I’m still sleepy. 

It’s so hot. I AM SWEATING! One moment I am sweating and the next a cold wave hits me like a truck. 

Everything is so boring at home. I am running out of food too. I don’t have the energy to go out and buy something. I think I have a few days worth of cup noodle

I don’t remember when I last showered.  I have been sick for the past five days so probably before that. My hair looks like shit now. It’s so greasy, it stays in one place if i don’t touch it

I have gotten paler. My red nose looks uglier now. If this shitty sickness doesn’t get over with by tonight, I am going to dump my head into ice water

21/8/18

Yeah no, that was a bad idea. I thought it would work. First it did. I stood under the shower and as soon as the water washed over me, it felt like all the tiredness and sickness was being washed away. It lasted for a few seconds before I felt a numb stinging all over my body. I rushed out thinking it would stop but it just got colder. 

My nose felt more blocked and I think it was in my head but even my throat felt more itchy. And I was shivering so much I slid under my thick blankets and slept.

Not for long. I don’t know what time it was when the bell rang and it woke me up instantly. My flat is so silent, even the dogs barking in another building can be heard clearly. 

I peeked out of the blankets and realised i had left the lights on, the bathroom door open and the shower was still running. 

I stayed in bed thinking who it might be. I never had visitors before. The only time that bell was used when the watchman came up to ask me who I was because he had never seen me.

The doorbell rang again, this time accompanied by some violent thumping on the door. If I wasn’t sick I would’ve murdered this person. I  was so angry but my body wouldn’t respond.

Somehow I managed to push myself off the bed and realised that I was completely naked.

My clothes were lying on the floor outside the bathroom. All I could manage to wear was my pair of shorts. I grabbed the knife from the bedside drawer and tucked it into my shorts.

I opened the door to see Hyukjae with his arm raised, holding a rock, like he was about to hurl it at me.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I asked, angrily but it came out feeble thanks to my fucked up condition. Air seemed colder on the rooftop than normal.

“Why weren’t you opening the door?”

His little eyes narrowed at me like it was MY fault.

He dropped the rock in a potted plant on the edge of the terrace and returned to me. “Why are you ignoring me?”

His voice aggravated my headache. 

“Haven’t you guessed already? I don’t like you” I said and shut the door.

He put his foot in to stop the door from closing. 

“I don’t care if you like me or not. You were supposed to pay me 4 days ago”

“How did you find my address?”

This flat isn’t even on my name. I bought it under a made up name from the landlord. 

“You cannot get away from me Aiden”

First, the cold and fever was killing and to top it this man wasn’t leaving. In that moment, I considered the repercussions of stabbing him right there. But my body ached so much, by the time I would’ve taken the knife out, he would’ve shot me. 

So I just stood there staring at him. 

“Give me my money and I’ll leave”

“Later” 

“Right now”

“I don’t carry all that money in my pocket”

He pushed his way into my house. “I am not leaving until you give me my money”

I sighed and dragged my feet to the couch and lay down. I couldn’t really care about his tantrums.

“What happened to you?” He looked at me in confusion.  

“Fever. Cold. Headache. Body ache. Everything” 

“Oh…. okay” 

I could feel him staring at me for a few seconds and then I heard his shoes clacking on the floor as he left. I don’t know when I fell asleep after that.

But Hyukjae didn’t let me sleep for long. He showed up again and I had to walk all the way to the door.

He shoved a plastic bag in my hand. “I got you medicine”

“I don’t want it” I said, shoving it back in his hand. I didn’t trust him. I was 90% sure he had poisoned it.

“Take it you’ll feel better” 

“I don’t want to”

There was a constant back and forth with the bag before he AGAIN pushed me to the side and entered my house and dropped the bag on the table. 

I don’t need medicine to get better. I rarely fall sick and I can deal with it. I wasn't going to take it. 

I think he read my mind? Or my face that clearly said I did not trust the medicines HE got. 

“I am not doing this for you” He said with contempt. “If you get well soon, I get my money soon”

He brought a glass of water and pulled out a strip of tablet from the bag. 

“Take it”

Honestly, all the discomfort had fogged my thoughts. I wanted to not feel sick and though tablets were not on my list of last resorts, I took it.

“You’ll get better by morning so I’ll come tomorrow. Keep my money ready” 

“Take this” I said, kicking the plastic bag off the floor. It landed near his feet.

Hyukjae scoffed. “You should be grateful that I–”

“I never asked you to. Don’t pretend like you care”

“I do not.”

He did not care. And as much as I didn’t want to believe it, I had to. Why would he care about me?

“Then why did you get me this?”

“I told you. It’s because I want you to give me my money quickly”

“Is that what you’re “striving for”?” I said making air quotations. “To gather a big heap of cash in your bedroom?”

  He was surprised that I remembered what he had told me a few months back. But that surprise was immediately wiped away by annoyance.

“Yes. I am a selfish jerk who wants nothing but money. I have no morals and I am the worst police officer. Happy?” His words were rough around the edges. I neither called him selfish, nor a jerk but I know somebody did. Maybe someone whose opinions he really cared about? Idk

“And I am not going to change. No matter what anybody says” He said, firmly pointing a finger at me. 

“People never change” I don’t know why exactly I said that. It came to my head and I felt like I had to say it out loud or it would prick me in the head adding to my already terrible headache.

The tense, agitated look on his face turned softer. “What do you mean?”

“You can only suppress who you are for a while….. fake a personality for a few years maybe, but who you are will always show. It will always be there. People never change. They only learn to hide who they are, really well”

Donghae felt a pang of shiver run down his neck. He couldn’t put a finger to what was so unsettling about that statement. He shut the diary and put it away. 

He had sifted through the numerous elaborate murder plans to specifically find the entries related to Hyukjae. 

Hyukjae and him did not meet for the first time like Hyukjae had said they did. Donghae wanted to ask why he lied but something kept him from doing so. It was a gut feeling that told him that the answer might not be so pleasant. 

After reading about his interactions with Hyukjae, Donghae loosened up a bit. He was convinced that Hyukjae loved him. It was only that the 20 year-old him was oblivious to the little gestures.

Hyukjae’s love was in getting the soft toy for him, it was in the way he showed up to help him transport the dead bodies to the shed, it was him not getting irritated when Donghae blew the cigarette smoke in his face and it was also in the fact that he got medicines for him when he was sick. 

It was hard––no, impossible––to believe that he did all this for money only. 

The sound of the passcode clicking outside the door caught his attention. 

Kyuhyun entered with two bags with several items peeking out from the top. He placed both bags on the table and stuck his hand in one of them searching for something.

“Here” He said, bringing out a little rectangular box. “Your pregnancy test kit”

Donghae opened the box and examined the strip. “How do you use this?”

“You don’t know how to use it??”

“No”

“You pee on it and if it shows one line then it’s negative”

Donghae nodded slowly, unsure if he understood that. “Does negative mean no you’re not pregnant or oh no! you’re pregnant ”

A stupid smile formed on Kyuhyun’s face, adoring how Donghae’s brain worked. 

“It means you’re not pregnant”

“And if I am?”

“Two lines” He muttered with a bitter undertone. From the moment Hyukjae and Donghae showed up at his door, a lot of things annoyed him. He wasn't the type to show, neither was he the type to keep it inside. His emotions made way for themselves through his pointed words.

Kyuhyun followed Donghae to the bathroom.

“What?” Donghae asked, when he stopped him from closing the door.

“You can keep the door open”

“You want to see me peeing on this thing?”

“You didn’t know how to use it. What if you pee on it wrong? I can help”

“Get out.” Donghae said in the most monotonous tone, that made Kyuhyun clear the way and have the door slammed in his face. He knew his limits with Donghae. Had he not removed his hand, Donghae would’ve shut the door on his fingers. 

Fifteen minutes later, Donghae came out of the bathroom.

“It’s positive” 

Kyuhyun slumped in his seat. He wasn't happy about it. “Are you sure you want this baby?”

“Why would I not want it?”

“You would make a terrible dad”

“Fuck you”

“You are short-tempered and when you get angry, everything around you becomes a weapon. You are far from a good parent. You will only scar the kid for life–”

Donghae grabbed the razor next to the sink, pressing it under Kyuhyun’s throat as he pushed him against the wall. He was seething with anger because Kyuhyun just turned his happiest moment into a shitshow. But, his anger was also because Kyuhyun wasn't completely wrong. 

“People like us, cannot have a normal life”

He hated to be clubbed into the same category as Kyuhyun. Donghae believed he was far better than him. He didn’t eat the same species. 

He drove the razor deeper under his jaw but there was no sign of fear in Kyuhyun’s eyes. His mocking gaze provoked Donghae to jab the razor into his throat. 

Kyuhyun smiled. “but together, we can have our own normal”

Chapter Text

“What do you mean?” Donghae asked, a frown setting between his brows.

“The usual. You kill, I eat and we both live happily ever after” 

Donghae dropped the razor and walked away.

“You know you like the idea,” Kyuhyun said, following him into the living room. He grabbed Donghae’s wrist, turning him around. “You don’t need this stupid baby!”

Donghae shrugged his hand off and went to take his diary from the couch. 

“Do you know how much work babies are?????” Kyuhyun tried to reason.

“Shut up” Donghae slammed his hard cover diary on Kyuhyun’s abdomen. 

“Ow!”

“Stop talking to me. Why are you so annoying?”

Kyuhyun plopped down on the couch, clutching his stomach. With a scrunched up nose, he spoke. “I have always been like this”

“And how did I deal with you before?”

“You ignored me”

“So why’d you think I would entertain you now?”

“Intuition” He shrugged cockily.

Donghae stared at him in fascination. Kyuhyun was by far the weirdest thing he had met. Heechul was a wacko so his behaviour was understood but this guy looked completely normal. He looked like any other man on the street, yet so inane. 

“Are you mesmerised by me?” Kyuhyun asked, raising a brow.

“I love Hyukjae. Nobody can replace him. So whatever you have on your mind, forget it”

Kyuhyun scoffed and pushed himself off the couch. He stood so close that Donghae had to tilt his head to look at him, eyebrows furrowing a little.

“Oh believe me, I tried” He gently caressed Donghae’s cheek. “But seeing you after two years, my heart still fluttered”

It sounded childish, coming from this grown man who ate humans like it was chicken.

Donghae remained unfazed by their closeness. He didn’t feel anything, except maybe a bit of fear that he might bite him.

Kyuhyun’s long dainty fingers slithered around the side of his neck, thumbs lightly rubbing his cheeks. 

Donghae flinched at the sudden intrusion of his personal space. He stepped back but Kyuhyun pulled him forward, touching their foreheads together. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Hey–”

“Shhh~” Kyuhyun cut him off. “....I’m glad you’re okay” His voice was soft and raspy.

The bell rang and Kyuhyun cursed out loud, stomping his way to the door. The disgust was evident on his face when he saw Hyukjae standing outside. Of course he had to spoil my moment.

That didn’t irritate him as much as Donghae pushing past him to hug Hyukjae did. Donghae grabbed Hyukjae’s face and kissed him. He opened his eyes for a moment to see Kyuhyun watching with no expression and deepened the kiss, almost as if he could feel Kyuhyun shattering.

If anything, Kyuhyun should’ve walked away but then he reminded himself, that’s what he loved about H. His cocky attitude and the fact that H was completely out of his league and made a point to rub that in Kyuhyun’s face. Kyuhyun took it pretty positively. A tad too positively. He believed that if H made the effort to make him jealous, he must feel something for him.

“Alright calm down” Hyukjae chuckled breathlessly as he pulled away. “How are you feeling now?” 

“Where were you?”

“Running errands” Hyukjae looked over Donghae’s shoulder, at Kyuhyun. “You performed the autopsy on Jongwoon right? Are the reports out?”

“Sorta. It’ll be confirmed by 6pm today I guess? Or now that you have kidnapped Hankyung’s son, he might rush things up. Remind me why you’ve got him here?”

“It’s a long story. You won’t understand”

Kyuhyun scoffed. He was sure Hyukjae was upto something and he wanted to get himself out of this as soon as possible.

“What’s the cause of Jongwoon's death?” Hyukjae asked.

“Hypothermia” 

Hyukjae nodded contemplatively. “Anything else? Any fingerprints on the freezer or any DNA on him?”

“I cleaned it up”

Donghae’s eyes widened in confusion and Kyuhyun was quick to catch on. 

“Yes, I performed an autopsy on Jongwoon. I was called in late last night after they discovered his body. I had to go....couldn’t risk you getting caught” He winked.

“Those fingerprints weren’t his,” Hyukjae said. “They were mine”

“Yours....?” Donghae looked at him, confused.

“You didn’t kill Jongwoon. I did”

Donghae shook his head in disbelief. He remembered threatening Jongwoon with an axe. 

“No, I did”

“Do you remember killing him?”

Now that Donghae thought of it, he didn’t really remember murdering him. He remembered parts of that night. 

“You don’t. Because you didn’t kill him. You dragged him to the basement to put him in the freezer........."

“Where’s he?” Hyukjae asked, looking around in the basement. 

Donghae was sitting on top of a metal container, idly swinging his legs. He beckoned to Hyukjae.

“Where is Jongwoon?” 

Donghae smiled mischievously, pointing to the container under him. 

“...He’s in there?”

“You said you didn’t want it to be painful so I came up with the most painless plan. Hypothermia”

“Get off,” Hyukjae ordered. He was about to slide the lid open when Donghae placed a hand over his. “What are you doing??? He’ll come out”

“He won’t.” Hyukjae eyed his hand. “Move”

Donghae grumbled, stepping away.

Hyukjae let the slightest gasp escape his lips when he saw Jongwoon curled up and shivering. The intensity of what he was doing struck him for the first time. He extended his hand, gently rubbing Jongwoon’s shoulders. That's the least he could do.

Jongwoon’s senses were numb. It took him a while but he leaned his head on Hyukjae’s arm. 

Hyukjae wondered if Jongwoon was relieved that he had arrived. It broke his will power even further. Slowly, Jongwoon curled around his arm, holding on for dear life. 

Hyukjae bent forward, kissing the top of his head. “I’m so sorry. I really don’t want to do this..... but I have to”

“Please....” Jongwoon mumbled, exhaling a cold puff of air. 

Hyukjae forcefully pulled his arm out and backed away. This was so wrong. But he had no choice. It was either this, or losing everything else. Hand gripping the bar to shut the freezer, Hyukjae watched Jongwoon, contemplating one last time. 

Jongwoon clung to his hand. 

“Please don’t make this more difficult for me,” Hyukjae requested. He could see how hurt Jongwoon was. Hurt would be an understatement. Jongwoon’s gaze begged him to not do this. 

“I’m really sorry…” 

Hyukjae tore the cold fingers away and shut the freezer. He was still in shock at what he had done, what he was doing....  

Jongwoon’s weak pounding on the lid, reverberated through the metal container. It made the bile rise in Hyukjae’s throat. He had never been so disgusted by himself.

“I am so sorry....” He whispered.

“Let’s go!!” Donghae pounced on him, hugging him from behind. “Time to start our new life!” 

“Oh....” Donghae didn’t remember it but it made sense now why he didn’t remember killing Jongwoon.

“Whatever. There’s still the fact that the freezer and the basement door didn’t lock on it’s own. The basement door was locked from outside” Kyuhyun recalled.

“I’ll think about it”

“You don’t have much time to think. Hankyung’s not dumb. He must’ve figured that you both kidnapped his son”

“I am not going to hurt him”

“Kidnapping is also a crime!”

“Keep it down, will you? I know what I’m doing.”

“Oh yeah, what are you doing?”

“I will ask Hankyung to convict Heechul for everything. Send some pages from Donghae’s diary as proof. There is no way Heechul can prove that he wasn't H. Once the case is closed, we’ll send Henry back and leave the country”

“Wow” Kyuhyun scoffed. “What a pathetic plan! You think Hankyung will do as you say?”

“He has to. He’ll do anything for Henry”

“And what if he doesn’t?”

“Then-” 

“Then we cut Henry into little pieces,” Donghae said, cutting him off. “Send some back to his father and some could be a treat for you”

Kyuhyun smiled sarcastically. “I don’t eat children”

“Nobody’s touching Henry.”

Donghae frowned. “So you’ll let him be even if Hankyung does not convict Heechul?”

“We’ll see what to do then”

“We should already cut Henry’s finger and send as warning”

“You are not touching Henry”

“But-”

“I said no.”

Hyukjae removed his jacket and hung it over a chair. “And I am serious. Neither of you will do anything to him or I…”

“Or what?” Donghae prompted.

Hyukjae’s gaze hardened. “You don’t wanna know what.”

Donghae didn’t like the way Hyukjae talked to him. He could’ve said it nicely.

Hyukjae peeked into the room where Henry was still fast asleep, before disappearing into the other bedroom.

“I liked your idea,” Kyuhyun whispered into Donghae's ear.

“Didn’t ask”

“My opinion is important. Isn’t it?”

“Are you jealous?” Donghae asked, cheekily.

“Quite”

“You wish you were him, don’t you?” 

“Kinda, I wanna know what those lips taste like too” Kyuhyun leaned forward in anticipation.

Donghae put a hand on his chest, holding him in place. “Too bad you’re not my Hyukjae”

Kyuhyun’s lips thinned into a vile smile. “But I let you do whatever you want. Unlike your Hyukjae. I could help you cut the kid’s fingers”

Donghae shook his head. “I don’t want to”

He lied. He would’ve loved to do that but he didn’t want to disappoint Hyukjae. Maybe he could do it in the middle of the night and blame it on Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “Your wish” He walked away, throwing Hyukjae’s jacket on the floor on his way.

Donghae picked it up and dusted it neatly. He felt something hard in one of the pockets. He said his hand in and retrieved a small maroon box. It was a diamond ring and though Donghae had absolutely no knowledge of rings, he just knew it was expensive. And what are expensive diamond rings used for if not wedding proposals? 

Donghae smiled wide, completely forgetting how angry he was at Hyukjae just moments ago. He put it back into the pocket he had found it in and braced himself to act surprised when Hyukjae proposed. Hyukjae was going to get a bigger surprise once he found out about Donghae’s pregnancy. Double happiness!

Donghae happily trotted back to the bedroom and continued reading his diary.

“You can only suppress who you are for a while.... fake a personality for a few years maybe, but who you are will always show. It will always be there. People never change. They only learn to hide who they are, really well”

“Do what you want” Hyukjae kicked the bag to the side and marched away.

Sometime later I sat up and my head wasn't reeling. The medicine had worked. But I was so parched and so hungry. Only beer was left in the fridge so I drank up. After that I don’t remember much of what happened. 

I was playing with my knife, making tiny little slits on my fingers until it was in one straight line. 

And the bell rang again. 

And it was Hyukjae. 

AGAIN.

I was drunk, quite drunk, so it wasn't so bad to see him again. 

“My wallet….”

“What?”

“I forgot my wallet”

Excuses.

I squished his cheeks, smearing my blood all over his face. “You just wanted to see me didn’t you?”

He grabbed my wrist and pulled it away. “What the– why do you have blood on your hand?”

I liked how concerned he was. 

“Bathroom’s over there. You can wash your face”

When I saw him going to the bathroom, I got a wonderful idea. I quickly latched the bathroom door and instantly, he started banging the door.

“Open the door!”

“No”

“Donghae open the damn door” 

The knob rattled violently.

“Why don’t you stay tonight?”

“Shut the fuck up and open the door!”

“BE NICE!” I shouted. “Why can’t you be nice to me!”

The beer made me say all that. I think it was fun to have him locked up.

There was no reply for a while.

“Donghae, please open the door. This is not funny”

“I’m not joking. Stay tonight. You came thrice to my place. It’s a sign. You should stay”

“I am not staying. Let me out”

“I can’t~ my hands won’t let me unlock the door”

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to stay”

“Why?”

I don’t remember what happened next but I did unlock him and then I was in bed. I remember he was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at me but I don’t remember what we talked about. Something happened and I tried to kiss him. I think he was angry and left.

I kinda remember him tucking me in bed and then he switched off the lights and I shouted at him to keep them on. I think I told him that I’m afraid of darkness. I don’t know. 

I clearly remember he said this one thing to me.

“Don’t worry I’m here”

I wish he was still here.

HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ME!

Hyukjae does not care about me. But when he pretended he did, it made me feel good and THAT IS SO HORRIBLE. I know he’s pretending. HE DOES NOT CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE DONGHAE GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER

H SIGNING OUT

16/12/18 

I came across a few uniformed officers at a roadside bar today. Hyukjae was there too. Not in uniform though. I hated that sight, watching them laugh and drink happily. So I decided to steer clear. I just wanted a low-key night, a couple drinks and then I was gonna come home. 

So I took a corner table, as far as I could from Hyukjae. It was all good until he saw me. He should’ve come and talked to me. But he looked away like I was a stranger. I didn’t go up to him because I had my reason but he had no reason to ignore me like that. It’s not written on my face that I am a murderer. 

It made me so mad. Hyukjae had no right to ignore me. 

I went up to him and slammed my soju glass on the table. “One for me”

Hyukjae looked up, half surprised, half nervous.

“What are you doing here?”

“Why did you ignore me? I’ve always paid you on time”

The other officers were looking at us in confusion. It was funny to get him riled up. Hyukjae caught my arm and pulled me away from the table, to a corner. I like how tightly he grabbed me. 

“What the fuck are you trying to do?”

“Why didn’t you come say hi when you saw me?”

“If you think you can threaten me with all this bullshit, then you’re mistaken. Don’t even think-“

“I want you to talk to me”

“About what????”

“Anything!!! You never talk to me”

“What the hell has gotten into you??”

“I want to be your friend. Like them. But closer. They don’t pay you, I do. Be my friend”

No, I want to be more than friends. I want to keep him for myself. I want him to be mine.

“Hey Hyukjae sunbaenim! We’re doing soju bombs. Wanna join?” Some annoying ass officer interrupted.

“Yeah I’ll be there”

“You can come too” He said and though I wanted to barf, looking at his uniform, I complied. 

“There’s one chair short” Hyukjae perked up because he thought I wouldn’t join them.

“No problem, I'll find myself a seat” And I did. I sat on his lap. Everyone was looking at us and I could feel Hyukjae shift uncomfortably under me. It was nice. He has firm thighs.

I drank the most out of all those wusses. I had to. There was no way I could sit at a table with so many of those uniforms without beating the shit out of each of them. I should’ve. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME PEOPLE! I know. I fucking know that. But I am probably saving a kid from being raped by these fuckers. But why should I? Nobody saved me.

Donghae paused at that line, heart violently pounding against his chest. He finally knew why he was so discomforted around a precinct or when he saw uniformed officers. He rolled his head back against the headboard of the bed and shut his eyes.

He kept oscillating between feeling extremely proud and pitying himself. The mood swings were nauseating. He would probably never be his complete self again and it scared him. It terrified him to be half a person and to forever live a life where he couldn’t fathom who he is. How was he supposed to live like that?

Donghae’s fingers tightened around his diary when he felt it being taken away. His eyes shot open and he snatched it, holding it close to his chest.

Hyukjae looked at him, a bit startled. “Sorry, I thought you dozed off”

“No” Donghae could only manage to push that word out before burying his head back into the diary. 

“Are you okay?” Hyukjae asked, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him.

Donghae looked up blankly. He blinked a few times as if to reboot his brain and suddenly his gaze didn’t seem so disoriented. 

“Why did you lie to me about how we met?”

Hyukjae glanced at the diary, smiling a little. “I didn’t lie… I just altered the truth”

“No you lied. You made it up. The story you kept telling me about how we met at the precinct”

“I didn’t make it up. All that really happened. That’s not how we met, I know. We met years ago when you were a little boy. But how was I supposed to explain that to you without telling you what kind of a person you were???”

“Then you should’ve told me!”

“How do you think you would’ve reacted if I told you you’re a psychopath!”

That word ticked him off. 

“I am not a psychopath.” Donghae muttered, expressions suddenly too grim. “Don’t call me a psychopath. I am not crazy.”

Hyukjae sighed, taking his tone down a notch. “I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said that…. I--I didn’t know how to break it to you so I thought we’ll leave all that behind and start fresh” He took Donghae’s hands in both his, kissing them. “We will start fresh”

Hyukjae was capable of melting Donghae’s anger in an instant.

“I wanna tell you something...” He started, almost giving in to the urge to tell him about their baby.

“Actually Donghae, I am really tired. I wanna rest for a while. Can we talk in the evening?”

Donghae nodded “Sure” 

He sat back once again, looking intently at his diary. 

I started drinking from the bottle after a while. 

The guy sitting next to Hyukjae was completely out of it. He was swaying and singing and it was so annoying I wanted to punch him. The alcohol made it more difficult to hold back. But I did. I tried my best. Then that man suddenly grabbed my arm and put his head on me. 

I seized his hair, yanking him away and slammed it onto the table. IT FELT SO FUCKING GOOD

Everyone around the table got angry and upset. It was worth looking at Hyukjae who was HORRIFIED. Bet he had never seen me like that. I don’t remember what he did to calm the others but when they finally stopped coming at me, Hyukjae dragged me out. I love it when he holds my arm so tight it hurts.

He was furious.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!”

And he yelled a lot of other things but I really can’t remember. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me trying to get an answer. And I told him. I told him everything that I had never told anyone. I shouldn’t tell anyone because WHO THE FUCK CARES

I told him that my parents were both junkies and the only reason why they got away ALL THE FUCKING TIME was because they would use ME TO BRIBE THE COPS.

I still remember

2 hours per day for a week

They used to take me to the same room in a basement where I couldn’t see anything and FUCK I SWORE TO NOT WRITE ABOUT IT EVER AGAIN

NOBODY. CARES.

IT HAPPENED YEARS AGO GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

And I told him that’s why I could never sleep in complete darkness. I could feel their hands lingering and I could feel it in my gut. 

The only person to ever know this was the therapist Yoojin used to take me to. She was a useless cunt. She would ask me questions and ask me to talk, like seriously? She thought I would talk to a stranger about how I really feel? But in the end, I did tell a stranger about all this. I was telling this detective I barely knew about my fear. My greatest fucking fear. 

And I was so fucking sure he was going to hold it against me for the rest of my life. I was halfway through planning to get rid of him, when he He just he came and he hugged me. 

I pushed him away. I hate people touching me but I hated Hyukjae even more because his touch didn’t feel so bad.

“Now you know why I’m afraid of darkness and uniformed officers. Fuck off now”

He hugged me. Again.

“I’m so sorry....”

His warmth was the most comforting thing I have ever felt. The kind of comfort I felt after killing. I could stay like that forever.

H signing out.

Donghae put the diary down, taking notice of his surroundings. Hyukjae was sleeping next to him, his back facing him. He had drawn the curtains, making it super dark despite it being only 5pm. But he had left the bedside lamp on so Donghae could read. 

Donghae slid under the blanket, hugging his boyfriend. 

“I love you so much”

Chapter Text

But I love you!

Donghae get the fuck out of here right now! 

The door slams shut in his face. Donghae stumbles back, his heart racing. 

An inky black liquid seeps from under the door, soaking the floor. Donghae steps back trying to keep his white shoes from getting stained. He doesn’t know what it is but he has to keep away lest it should engulf him. 

Donghae keeps moving back, slowly and steadily. The liquid follows him as if trying to push him into a corner. 

And it does.

Donghae’s back is flushed against the cold wall. There are walls on all four sides. 

The black thing creeps closer.

No way out.

It has reached the tip of his shoes despite his attempts to stand on his toes.

It’s getting into the crevices of his torn nikes, soaking his socks.

No escape. 

The room is filling up with it. 

Trapped.

The black waters are up to his waist now. It’s cold and sticky and Donghae can feel something crawling around inside

He doesn’t dare to look.

He doesn’t dare to move. 

He can barely breathe now.

Those things are crawling inside his skin now. 

He can feel it under his fingers.

He gasps for air, the water reaching right up to his throat.

He’s trying to keep his head high.

The door opens and Hyukjae stands there unmoved.

Donghae wants to call out for help. 

But he can’t. 

The black liquid is strangling him.

Why doesn’t Hyukjae come for help?

Donghae can’t breathe.

The waters right under his nose now. 

He is not ready to give up yet. 

Then he sees it.

The smile on Hyukjae’s face. 

And Donghae drowns.

Donghae woke up with a start, panting and heaving. The nightmare felt so real. He ran the back of his hand across his throat that was drenched in sweat. His thin shirt kept sticking against his body, so he pulled it over his head and tossed it away. And there it was, some amount of breathing space. 

Hyukjae was missing. Donghae grabbed the burner phone that Hyukjae had given him to check the time. 

11:25 pm

Donghae stepped out of the room and stopped in his tracks when he heard the keys jingling outside the entrance. The living room was dark, the only light pouring in from the crack of the main door. 

Donghae could only see the silhouette of the man who entered. 

“Jesus!” The guy jumped. The lights switched on. “Why are you standing there like a ghost?!” Kyuhyun shrieked.

“Where’s Hyukjae?”

“I don’t know. He left a while ago”

“Did he tell you where he was going?”

“No” 

Kyuhyun grabbed a plastic bag from the kitchen counter and was about to leave when he turned to Donghae. “Wanna join me?”

“For what?”

“An adventure. I’ll show you the whole process of how I butcher meat”

Donghae was hesitant but also quite curious. 

“Come on. It’ll be fun. I’m a pathologist, I know what I’m doing”

Donghae shrugged and followed. 

The sound of crickets was loud and clear on the isolated street. They walked along the edge of the Goshiwon building, turning round the corner towards the backside. There was nothing but a long stretch of tall wild grass and probably a pond on the very end. Everything merged with the inky night sky. This building ideally stood in the middle of nowhere. Whatever Kyuhyun did here, stayed here. 

There was an entrance with the shutter lowered halfway. Kyuhyun pushed it higher and gestured to him to enter. After glancing around to make sure nobody was there, Kyuhyun pulled the shutter all the way down.

“Welcome to my work shed!” 

It was a makeshift autopsy room. Bright white square LEDs hung from the ceiling. In the middle of the room lay a long autopsy table with a body on it. It was covered from head to toe. 

The wall on the right had two huge refrigerators. In one corner lay a tied up plastic bag which was sodden with blood. 

“Here” Kyuhyun handed him a mask. “You won’t be able to handle the smell”

Donghae quickly put it on as they made their way to the body lying ahead. Kyuhyun dragged a metal trolley along, its wheels creaking loudly like they were about to give out. He grabbed some sharp instrument from the trolley and pulled the white sheet down to the waist of the body. 

It was a man in his mid 20s, blonde, Caucasian.

“Who’s this?” Donghae asked.

“Exotic meat” Kyuhyun chuckled. “Now, the first step is to make sharp and clean incisions. Sloppy incisions mean extra work while putting the body back together”

Kyuhyun ran his gloved finger down the centre of the man’s chest, drawing an imaginary line and followed it with his knife. The incision extended from his collar bone to under the navel. 

Donghae stepped back when blood oozed, cascading down either side of the body. 

The thin layer of skin opened up like flaps, exposing the dark, gooey insides. Donghae couldn’t differentiate the organs. They all looked like dark red and brown pouches stuffed together. The putrid smell made him gag.

“Get those ice boxes” Kyuhyun ordered, pointing behind him. He stuck his hand into the mess, his fingers squelching through the organs.“H, get me those scissors” 

“You know my name. Call me by my name” Donghae said, handing over the scissors.

Kyuhyun snipped around the organs, detaching them from the muscles. He placed the kidneys and liver in the ice boxes by his feet.

“H, scalpel, the bigger one”

Donghae wasn’t used to being called H. It was a bit odd.

The intestines looked like long hose pipes. Donghae wondered how all that fit inside. Kyuhyun discarded the intestines and then removed the pancreas and other organs. He seemed to struggle with the stomach for a bit. “H can you get me the forceps?”

“My name is–”

“I know what your name is. I don’t want to call you by that”

“Why?”

“Because that’s how your boyfriend calls you. For me you are H. You’ll always be H. I don’t care what your real name is”

“Why would you like someone who doesn’t like you back?”

“Because you’re the only person who never made me feel like I’m a monster for wanting to eat humans.”

Donghae stayed silent for a while. 

“Have you ever felt like murdering Hyukjae?”

Kyuhyun stopped digging into the rib cage and looked up. “What?” 

“You heard me”

“You mean, like, murder to eat or murder out of anger?”

“Either”

“I don’t eat people I know. That’s nasty. And no I have never really felt like murdering Hyukjae. Why?”

“Then how can you say you love me? If you don’t want to kill the man I love”

“I mean… I don’t mind. If you want me to–”

“No. I am just…. It’s not wrong to want to kill someone because they are with the guy I love. That doesn’t make me crazy. It’s a very rational thought. If I don’t kill the interfering guy, how do I get my person?”

“So you’re saying it’s okay if I murder Hyukjae to get you”

“I will snap your neck if you try. But, you’re not even trying. You’re just flirting with me like a goddamn wuss”

“I kinda lost you there. What exactly do you want me to do?” 

“I want you to beg me to choose you,” Donghae said. He had always been the one persuading, never the one being persuaded. It was exciting to have Kyuhyun be so in love with him but it just wasn’t enough. “Maybe if you beg enough, something can happen”

“You don’t realize how fucking hot that sounds, coming from you” Kyuhyun said, pulled the heart out. It was a deep reddish-brown blob of mass dripping with blood. Instead of putting it into the ice box, he laid it on a strip of gauge on the trolley. “H, do you wanna break his heart too?” He asked, offering Donghae the scalpel. “Like you’re breaking mine?” There was a playful smile on his face. 

“Can I stab it?”

“Sure, do whatever you want with it” Kyuhyun collected the ice boxes and headed to the refrigerators. He stored these organs so he could sell them later. 

“Don’t you want to preserve this?”

“I don’t do hearts. They have a very short shelf life”

Donghae wrapped his fingers around the scalpel and stabbed the heart right in the centre. 

Blood splattered all over him.

“Fuck” Donghae stepped back, rubbing his eyes that had been attacked by one particularly sharp spurt. He could smell the pungent odour on him, his shirt and his face were stained with blood. 

“Good job” Kyuhyun joked. He grabbed a couple tissues from the lower rack of the trolley and wiped his face. “The heart contains blood, it’s 5th grade biology” 

“This fucking stinks” Donghae frowned. “I’m leaving”

“The fun part hasn’t even started yet. I’ll let you participate too”

Donghae hated to admit it, but he was intrigued by whatever was happening. It was thrilling. At first he found the insides of the body gross, but it was oddly satisfying to hear Kyuhyun pluck the organs from their places.

Kyuhyun lowered the sheets to expose the body’s legs. “Like a chicken, there’s more mass in a human’s thighs too” He grabbed another sharp instrument. They all looked like knives to Donghae. 

“The cuts here have to be careful because the flesh is tender” He explained, as he carved an amoebic shape on the top of the thigh. He gently lifted the skin that came off like a piece of cloth. “See” 

The flesh covered in blood was now exposed. 

“Looks like chicken doesn’t it?” 

Donghae watched silently as he Kyuhyun continued to carve out chunks of skin and discarded them in a plastic bag. He did it with so much precision but there was still a certain level of ease with which he operated. He didn’t seem stressed at all.

“When was the first time you killed?” Donghae asked.

“8th grade” 

“How did you know you wanted to eat humans?”

“You know, tigers can feed on animal meat all their lives but when they get a taste of human meat, they start craving for it”

“So how did you taste it first?”

“I was part of a satanic cult in middle school” Kyuhyun said, removing the last patch of skin from the right leg. “They made me eat my first boyfriend”

Donghae stared at him in horror.

Kyuhyun laughed. “Kidding, my boyfriend was the leader. He said if I wanted to be a part of it I had to prove my loyalty by eating some traitor’s meat.” He scooped up the flesh and put it into a colander. A vessel under the colander collected the blood. “And I did it. I’d say I was pretty lovestruck back then. But thanks to him, I discovered this”

Creepy, would be an understatement. Kyuhyun was way worse than that.

“Wanna try?” Kyuhyun gestured to the leg. “Look, you scoop the flesh like this, and drop it here. It’s easy. Come I’ll show you” He positioned Donghae facing the side of the leg and stood behind him. He put both his hands over Donghae’s, letting him hold the instrument.

“Now, now, very carefully, we’re gonna take it out” His fingers pressed firmly over Donghae’s to get a grip of the instrument. Donghae felt weirdly small, being hugged by Kyuhyun’s broad frame.

He left his hands loose so Kyuhyun could manoeuvre them easily. It was oddly fulfilling to stick his hand inside someone’s body and rip out their flesh. He could feel around the muscles stretching from end to end with rubbery tendons. His fingers itched to rip open the muscles with his bare hands and see what happens. 

They managed to get a huge portion of the flesh out from around the bone in one piece. 

Donghae’s heart was beating wildly against his chest, as he dropped the piece of flesh into the container and the adrenaline rush slowly settled. 

“Liked it?” Kyuhyun asked.

“I wanna do it again”

“No way. It’ll take us all night if I let you remove the flesh”

“I’ll do it” Donghae said, hiding the instrument behind his back. “I want to do it”

“You will ruin my exotic meat”

“I won’t!” 

“Stop acting like a child”

Donghae hated being treated like that. “I said I can do it! Let me–” He went ahead to scoop out another part of the flesh when Kyuhyun forcibly took the instrument away. 

“I cannot let your ego ruin my meat, okay?” He could feel Donghae’s rage bubbling. “Alright, if you are itching to cut and stab so much, take this” He gave him a scalpel. “You can do whatever you want with the feet and hands but don’t touch other parts, okay?”

Donghae was furious. He kept his eyes locked with Kyuhyun’s as he backed towards the body’s feet. He grabbed the ankle and started stabbing the foot mercilessly. 

Kyuhyun had had enough. He caught Donghae’s wrist and snatched the instrument away. He seized Donghae’s jaw. “You dare not give me that fucking attitude in here”

Donghae writhed, trying to push his hands away.  

“You wanna kill so bad?? I have something for you”

Kyuhyun dragged him to the other end of the room. There was a door with tinted windows. He kicked the door open and shoved Donghae in. “There you go. Kill him” 

In a corner lay a tiny figure. Donghae squinted to see who it was. It looked familiar. 

“You wanted to kill him didn’t you? Here’s your chance” Kyuhyun threw the scalpel across the floor. 

As Donghae moved closer to the little thing to pick up the scalpel, he realised who it was. 

A sharp shiver ran down his spine. 

“Henry…”

__________

Siwon was driving back home, absolutely tired and frustrated. He had spent the whole day being questioned over and over about the same thing. 

Where is Donghae? Where did Hyukjae take him? Do you know what he did? Do you know where they took Henry?

Siwon was tired of telling them that he had nothing to do with this. At times, he was close to spilling that he was Donghae’s brother. They would’ve detained him at the police station then. Since he had no connection with Donghae apart from being his employer, Hankyung let him go.

He felt bad for Hankyung though. He was trying so hard not to let his worry show but it seeped through the occasional cracks in his voice.

“Your friend has been waiting for you” The housekeeper informed when Siwon reached home.

“Who?”

“The one with the gummy smile” 

Siwon rushed upstairs and found Hyukjae sitting on his bed.

“What are you doing here???” 

“What took you so long, I’ve been waiting since an hour”

“Seriously? You’re asking me why I took so long!? It’s all your fault!” Siwon smacked his shoulder. “What the hell are you doing?! And where are Donghae hyung and Henry???? Hankyung is so worried! He’s looking for you like a mad dog!”

“They’re fine. I’m not going to hurt Henry, don’t worry”

Siwon sat down next to him. “Can you please tell me what’s going on?”

“I don’t know man…. I wasn’t ready for Hae to recollect his memories like this and then the police finding Yesung’s body… Everything is falling apart so fast. I’m just trying to protect Donghae as much as I can…”

“I don’t get it”

“Don’t get what?”

“When we first met at the hospital, you told me that you were going to keep Donghae hyung with you so he doesn’t flee when he recollects everything and you can hand him over to the police”

“Yeah…. I lied. I have destroyed all evidence against him in every case. I couldn’t report him even if I wanted to”

“Then why did you ask me to keep a track on his activities at work? I thought you wanted to imprison him. So when he told me about the diary entries he found, I asked him to burn them so you wouldn’t come to know that he remembered who he was. I’m sorry, he was so nice, I didn’t want to lose the only family I have.

“I asked you to keep a track on him, not because I wanted to imprison him. If he remembered everything, he would come for me. That’s what I was afraid of. That’s why I wanted to keep an eye on him every single minute of the day”

Siwon looked confused. “What… what do you mean he would come for you?”

“Look, we’ve known each other for a while now. You’ve done a lot for me without asking any questions. You spied on Donghae for me”

“You saved my life. If it wasn’t for you, I would never be able to report Heechul” Siwon said with a faint smile. Back in high school when Siwon noticed Heechul stalking him, he was too scared to tell anyone. One day, while he was being followed by Heechul in broad daylight, Hyukjae happened to be there. He saved him in time and put Heechul behind the bars. 

“Then I need you to trust me one last time. I promise I’m not going to hurt Henry. I need him so I can force Hankyung to convict Heechul for Yesung’s murder. Then I’ll let Henry go”

“And what about your job? You’ll lose your job won’t you?”

“I’ll see what to do about that. As long as Donghae and I are safe, nothing else matters”

“You still didn’t tell me…. Why would Donghae hyung come for you, if he remembered everything?”

Hyukjae looked away, tension clumping on his forehead. 

“….Because I pushed him in front of that car”

“WHAT!?” Siwon sprang.

“He was trying to kill me”

Siwon’s frown softened. “Really? But–but why? I thought he loved you”

“I did too… I was hoping he’d never remember his past so we could move on together but…..” Hyukjae sighed sharply and stood up. “Anyway, I’ll get going. I just came to tell you my plan. Don’t worry, I won’t drag you into this anymore. You’ve helped me a great deal already”

“What if he remembers that you caused the accident…?”

“Well, that’s my lookout. I’ll figure something out” Hyukjae replied, despite having absolutely no plan. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to kill Donghae again. It was different back then. He loved him too much to do it again. 

“Please be careful”

Hyukjae smiled, tousling the younger's hair. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine– Oh, I totally forgot” He brought out a little box from his pocket. “This is for you. A thank you gift. Since we won’t meet again”

“What is this?” 

Siwon opened the box to find a beautiful diamond ring. His eyes widened as he glanced at the ring and Hyukjae simultaneously. 

“I remember you showed me this once when you were talking about proposing to your girlfriend”

“Oh my god! Thank you so much!!!” Siwon squealed, pulling him into a tight hug.

__________

Donghae stared at Henry who lay so helplessly in a corner. The scalpel was in his hand and there was nothing stopping him. 

“But…. Hyukjae said–” 

“He doesn’t have to know everything. We can tell him that the boy ran away”

That idea seemed to sit well with Donghae. He clutched the scalpel and inched closer to Henry. He turned him on his back, keenly eyeing him from head to toe. There was nothing stopping him. He was allowed to cut open this living thing with no consequences.

Donghae’s lips thinned into a smile. He was ready with the scalpel but couldn’t decide where he wanted to start from.

“Do it” Kyuhyun urged. 

Donghae moved forward, straddling Henry. He pressed the tip of the scalpel in the centre of his throat. The skin sank under the weight and Donghae moved it deeper slowly and steadily to observe the exact moment when the skin cut open. His eyes lit up as he began feeling the pressure underneath. It was any moment now that he would pierce the boy’s throat.

He was interrupted by the shutter outside being lifted. 

“Quick!” Kyuhyun said and rushed out to stop whoever was coming. 

“Where is he?” Hyukjae asked impatiently.

“Who?”

“Henry. Where is he?”

“I don’t know”

He seized Kyuhyun’s collar and shoved him against the refrigerator. “I told you not to touch him!” 

“I did not do anything! I was cutting up someone else, look!” He pointed to the blonde man on the operation table. “I don’t know where that little boy went. He might’ve ran away”

“Don’t give me that bullshit. He’s 7!”

“He’s here!” Donghae shouted, interrupting their fight. He was standing at the door of the room with the scalpel in his hand. He pointed at Henry with the scalpel. “He’s there”

Furious, Hyukjae barged into the room and checked Henry for any injuries.

“What the fuck were you doing with him!? I told you not to touch him! Don’t you fucking get it?!”

Donghae didn’t answer. He stared back at Hyukjae, devoid of any expressions. He wanted to do some nasty things to Henry but he didn’t want to disappoint Hyukjae.

“I’m trying so fucking hard to protect you from the police and keep you hidden and you can’t do the one thing I asked you to! It was so much better when you didn’t have any memories. Now you’re back to being that pain in the ass!”  He heaved Henry over a shoulder and stopped near Donghae at the door. “This is the last time I’m telling you to stay away from him. Do not test me.”

Donghae hated when Hyukjae talked like that. It made him want to test his limits. It was Hyukjae’s fault for using that tone on him. Donghae might’ve listened to him if he spoke nicely. He didn’t like being restricted or ordered.

“And you” Hyukjae turned to Kyuhyun. “I will not hesitate to put a bullet into your head if you do something like this again. Stay the fuck away from the kid.”

Kyuhyun wasn’t fazed, but he stepped aside to let Hyukjae angrily storm off.

After a brief silence, Kyuhyun spoke. “I wouldn’t choose another person over you, like he did”

Donghae was red from suppressing his fury. His gaze told Kyuhyun that it wasn’t a smart idea to poke his wounds when he was holding that scalpel. 

“And about the begging part, I will beg as much as you want me to”

Chapter Text

Hyukjae’s POV

Nobody knows the complete truth you see, and it’s better that way. That night when Donghae met with an accident, it was because of me. I pushed him. I’m not a maniac to do that for fun. He was trying to kill me. Whatever I did was in self defence, but how am I supposed to explain that to him? How do I explain to him that I pushed him in front of a car because he was the one trying to kill me and for what? Because he thought I betrayed him. Because I didn’t tell him that I had a boyfriend. 

I think it all started when I decided to marry Yesung for his money. It was a simple plan. I had to make him believe that his minor mental health problems were a huge issue. I did that with Leeteuk’s help. Then I convinced Yesung to get married and give me the power of attorney due to his mental instability. Everything sailed smoothly until he broke it off on the wedding day. 

He said he wanted to get better. Get better? I couldn’t let him get better. If he got better I would have to haggle for money and I was not going to do that. Yesung and I weren’t always like that. We started dating when I was in the academy. You see, when you’re dating someone that rich, you can’t help but feel a little jealous. Not that he made me feel small, but I needed to show that I was worthy. All that money that came from covering up for Donghae, I used it to keep Yesung interested in me, so he wouldn’t think he’s dating a poor loser. I bought a house in a rich neighbourhood, I got myself a car, I was able to live a life I always wanted, so why would I not help Donghae? 

Sometimes it took a toll on me. I felt like trash when I would meet Donghae’s victim’s families during the case. All they wanted to know was why their child or husband or wife or parent disappeared. I was being a bad police officer, I know. I was lying to their faces that their loved ones would come back someday. I wanted to stop, really, I did, but money does buy you happiness. It got me everything I ever wanted. I wasn’t going to go back to living in my shitty old apartment. 

Once it was a child. Donghae killed a child. He called me to help clear it up because it had gotten too messy. The body was mutilated to the extent that it was unrecognisable. I don’t know what on earth caused him to do that to a kid. That was too much, even for me. I needed to tell someone before the weight of Donghae’s crimes crushed me. So I told Yesung. I don’t know what I was thinking. Why did I ever think that he would understand? Of course he thought I was a selfish jerk who doesn’t deserve to be a police officer. He was right but he never understood my part of the story. I needed this. Doesn’t everyone have things they want to get in life? So what’s wrong if I got the things I wanted my way.

I think that’s where things started going down for me and Yesung. He wanted a nice man with a clean conscience and I was nowhere close to it. Me telling him about Donghae created a distance between us. I don’t know if he was scared or ashamed of me. Either way, he didn’t look at me like he used to. We should’ve separated then. But I was too busy looking for a way to get rid of Donghae, to not rely on him for my luxuries. The only person I could rely on was Yesung. I don’t know when I turned into this…..this greedy asshole. I needed the money not to impress Yesung anymore, but for myself. I had gotten too comfortable.

I did feel guilty at times. I felt so fucking unworthy of Yesung. He didn’t deserve a shitbag like me. I wish I could be a better person. Sometimes these thoughts hit me like a truck and I hated myself. In the end, I wasn't a good person. Not in my own story, and not in someone else’s. 

I invited Donghae to dinner one night. Actually, I didn't. He invited himself. God knows what was going on in his mind back then.

That night I came to know that he was in love with me. Funny, I know. I never looked at him that way. To me, he was just a criminal I used to earn some money. The way he came up with the most bizarre ways to murder people, I never expected him to love anyone and that anyone being me. It was…… interesting. 

Honestly, it was working in my favour. I asked him to stalk Yesung, just enough to keep him delusional. Donghae was the way to keep Yesung from getting better. 

I never planned on killing him, in fact I was convincing him to get married again. Once we got married, I was going to request a transfer and move far away from Donghae.

And then my worst nightmare came true. Yesung got to know about everything. He and his brother went to see another doctor without telling me. I knew his brother was suspicious of me. I should’ve been more careful. 

He was sobbing and crying and accusing me of being a cheater and a liar and a scumbag. I was speechless. It all came on to me so quickly I didn't get time to think. 

All I could think of was losing my job. Yesung was going to complain about me to the police. I had to do something. I really didn’t want to kill him. I’m not a murderer. 

I asked Donghae to do it for me. Told him that we could be together after that. He was really in love with me, I guess. I really don’t know.

Once Yesung was out of the way, I was free. Being with Donghae wasn’t so bad after all. I like expensive things and Donghae would give me as much commission as I wanted to cover up his tracks. It was like we were meant to be. A match made in heaven. And believe me when I say it because Donghae and I go way back. He thinks we met for the first time outside the counsellor’s office. 

No, we didn’t.

We met for the first time when he was way younger, around 6 years old I think. I remember I was 15. I used to hang around at the precinct where my Dad worked, after school. It was another day when I sneaked around to one of the old evidence rooms. I enjoyed peeking into boxes full of random items and weaving a story of what the crime might be. What I didn’t expect to find was a little boy in tattered clothes.  

He sat so quietly, I didn’t even notice he was there. I will always remember the terrified look on his face. I should’ve known then. There was no reason a little boy, that scared, should be sitting in the basement of a precinct. Maybe in the back of my mind, I knew. I don’t know, I was too confused or too scared to say anything. I don’t really remember what I was thinking. 

I offered him some water from my bottle and saw that his hands were covered in scratches and dried blood. His face was bruised too. 

I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t say a word. Every time I tried to get closer to talk, he would start screaming and I had to back away. Then some cops came and asked me to leave. My Dad scolded me for going to the evidence room and somewhere between grabbing lunch with dad and going back home, I completely forgot about the boy. 

I remembered it one day and asked my dad about it. That wasn’t of much use. He said there was no such boy.

About 3-4 years later I met him again. Not at the counsellor’s office, but outside the minivan where he used to live. I should’ve taken him to the police station and reported his parents. I shouldn’t have advised him to set the minivan on fire and burn them alive. I am partially responsible for the person he is now. That’s what always kept me from turning him in. 

That night when Donghae told me everything, I knew right away. I felt guilty for what happened to him. I could’ve prevented it. I could’ve stopped it. He would’ve had a fairly normal life had I done something sooner. 

Another time, Donghae was sick and didn’t respond to my calls for days. I went over to check on him and give him medicines. It was in my personal interest that I wanted him to get better but after what he told me when he was drunk, I developed a soft spot for him. Yes, that’s it. That was the moment.

Donghae was drunk and locked me in his bathroom. He let me out after a while and I saw him sprawled out on the floor facing the ceiling. He was crying. I had never seen him crying before. He started talking about how nobody ever loved him, how much he wanted a normal life, how much he hated being inside his head. I caught a glimpse of the little boy I had met when I was 15. He wanted to feel something that wasn’t anger or hatred or jealousy or sadness or fear. 

I carried him to his bed and tucked him in. When I switched off the lights he started screaming and begging me to switch them back on. It was barely a minute and he was in tears. I couldn’t leave him like that. I spent the whole night watching him sleep. I felt something for him. Pity, I believe. It wasn’t love for sure. It was some other kind of affection.

It was actually the time we spent after Yesung died, when I started feeling attracted to him. Maybe it was the fact that I knew what he had been through, and I could see the wounded child inside. He has never played arcade games and he didn’t know what a claw machine was. He was fascinated by the smallest things. I liked that. 

I don’t know if all of it was a lie, if he was putting a show all this time. I wish I hadn’t read his diary. He was planning to murder me. I don’t know why or how. I managed to read out the first few lines and I was too shocked to read further. 

I didn’t want to kill him, I really didn’t. I’m not a murderer I swear. But I know Donghae very well. If he had decided that I was his next victim, he wouldn’t let go. Only one of us could live. 

And with a lot of pain, I chose myself.

I don’t know if it made me feel relieved or guilty when the Doctor said that he had survived. The chances of surviving such a severe accident were minimal. He had broken bones and an injury to his brain. 

I had made up my mind to kill him at the hospital itself. He was unconscious for 4 days, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was low, even for me, to kill someone when they’re so defenceless. Siwon showed up in the same ward one day, he was in for some minor accident. He was shocked to see Donghae, scared even. It took me a while to get it out of him but he told me everything about how Donghae tried to kill him but then changed his mind. It made me feel like Donghae was still somewhat human.

This was the Donghae I fell in love with, the Donghae who surfaced only in the moments of weakness. I wanted to be with him. 

Yes, I started out with the idea that I should keep him with me so in case he remembered what I did to him, I would know where he is. He couldn’t jump out on me or plot my murder-without my knowledge- if we lived in the same house. However, as time passed, I actually fell in love with this version of him. I don’t know if it was real or temporary. I wanted to keep him for as long as I could, so I didn't let him go to therapy. I didn’t want him to remember his past. He has been hurt enough. Everyone was safe this way, me, him and all his potential victims. I don’t see anything wrong here.

I made up a story about how Donghae jumped before a car to prove his love for me. He carved my name on his arm and he took a bullet for me, so this wasn’t so far fetched. 

I told Siwon that I was going to keep him with me so he wouldn’t run away in case he recollected his memories. Siwon helped me a lot to keep an eye on him. He wasn’t one bit bitter towards Donghae. He felt that if Donghae was turned in, he could get medical help for his condition. He was really nice about it. He wanted the best for Donghae.

Had he told me that Donghae was reading pages from his own diary, I would’ve done something. Now I’m on the run with no plan and no escape and doing everything on a fucking whim with no clarity.

Every time Donghae gets angry, I see H creeping up in his eyes. And I don't really know how brains work but I'm afraid an outburst might lead him to remember what happened. It’s okay that he reads his diary as long as he doesn’t remember about the accident. Siwon told me he did not remember anything on his own. He only knew things about himself from what he read and since he hasn’t written about me trying to kill him, there’s no way he’ll know. 

I hope.

Chapter Text

Donghae sat on the edge of the bed while Hyukjae paced the room agitatedly

“Why can’t you listen to me for once?” Hyukjae asked, frustrated.

“Kyuhyun brought him there”

“And what were you doing there?”

“What’s the big deal if something happens to the kid? It’s not yours”

“I’m not letting an innocent child die because of you”

“Because of me? I never asked you to get him here”

“Do you have a better idea? Then tell me. I’ll be fucking glad”

“Let’s run away”

“Right, the police are a bunch of idiots. They won’t find us” Hyukjae remarked sarcastically. “And where do you suggest we run away to?”

Donghae had no answer

“If you want to create a mess and don’t know how to get out of it, let me do it. I’m doing the best I can and all I expect from you is a little bit of cooperation, okay?”

Donghae nodded. He wanted to lash out on Hyukjae for scolding him. He didn’t like being talked down to. Instead, he chose to walk out of the room and stay away from him for sometime.

He got his diary and resumed reading.

12/2/19

I met Hyukjae for the first time after that night at the bar. I thought he would bring it up but he didn’t. He simply came to take his money. 

I don’t know what’s happening. My stomach feels weird when I meet him. I am waiting for him to touch me. I don’t want to have sex with him, I want him. I WANT him. I want him to be close to me and I don’t know what is happening to me. I want to see him again. I like being with him. I like it when he’s around. I can breathe better. I feel like I can be myself around him, like he has known me forever. I feel naked around him now that he knows my fears. It’s not the uncomfortable kinda naked though.

H signing out.

7/4/19

Today I asked Hyukjae. “What do you think about me?”

“I don’t think about you,” he replied. I wanted to strangle him at that very moment. He’s a liar. There’s no way I don’t cross his mind even once. NOT EVEN ONCE

“Not even a little?” I asked.

“No”

That’s not right. That is not fair. How can he not think about me when I think of him so often. He must think about me. He must think about me. 

H signing out

8/4/19

I think I know why he doesn’t think about me. If I wear such clothes and behave like this, he won’t think of me. I need to stand out. I need him to look at me, ogle at me head to toe. 

I looked up how to look better and dress better and attract attention. Every piece of advice on the internet is trash. 

I stood in front of the mirror staring at myself thinking of what I can change in my appearance. I have to change something or Hyukjae won’t look at me. I need him to look at me.

I think I’ll dye my hair. Something bright so it catches his attention. Hair colour will be the most distinct change. My hair’s a dull fucking black right now and I’ve been wearing the same clothes since I was in high school. Everything needs to change. Everything.

H signing out

10/4/19

Perfect. 

Now Hyukjae will see me.

I dyed my hair white and got myself a whole wardrobe of new clothes. I visited a mall for the first time in 6-7 years. There’s so much all around. So much noise, so many people, so many things to look at. It was fucking irritating. I hate loud places with so many people. College was enough of that experience. I felt like I was being pushed into a shell. Restricted movement, restricted behaviour, restricted interaction. I couldn’t whip out a knife and stab every salesman who tried to talk to me. 

Note to self : don’t colour your hair and go into crowded spaces. YOU DON’T WANT THAT FUCKING ATTENTION

It was terrible but it's over now.

I stuffed all the clothes into my closet. Tomorrow I’ll ask Hyukjae to meet me. I want to see what he says. 

H signing out

11/4/19

Nobody cares about you Lee Donghae. Nobody cares what you do. Nobody cares if you colour your hair or wear nice clothes. Nobody cares what you want. Nobody ever did and nobody ever will. Get that straight in your head. Hyukjae thinks it’s weird, you’re weird. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about you or what you do to get his attention. You will never be enough for anyone. No one will ever make you feel happy. 

Only you can do it for yourself. The only way you ever matter to this world is when you murder people. 

12/4/19

I killed my uncle Taeyoung. His two children are orphans now. I can’t wait till they come to know. Murder has always liberated me from the constraints of being human. 

Taeyoung was lucky he slept through it all when I murdered his wife. He got to live then. He didn’t value it enough though. I hadn’t contacted him or his children in a while. I kept away from them so if any day the police reaches them, they could say I was a recluse who ran away. They didn’t care if I lived or died anyway. He didn’t have to come looking for me. I don’t know what sparked in him and he suddenly blamed me for his wife’s death. 

He found a letter Yoojin had written to me. I told him it didn’t have to mean that I killed her. I reasoned with him for a good ten minutes. I didn’t want to kill him inside my house. That was too risky. I had neighbours and the CCTV had seen him coming in. If he didn’t walk out on his two feet, suspicion would be on me. Only me. No, I wasn't going to risk my perfect score for this shitbag. If I went out with him, suspicion would still be on me. If I left after him, suspicion would still be on me. 

I needed something else. I wasn’t going to call Hyukjae. So the only person I could call was Butcher. He said he was coming over. Meanwhile, I started talking in great detail about everything I did to Yoojin. I told Taeyoung everything right from the mediocre sex to blowing her into million little pieces in front of his eyes. His face turned red with anger, eyes brimming with tears. It was a sight to watch.

He charged at me like an angry bull. That’s where he messed up. How did he think he could take me down with his weak middle-aged self? I ducked and pulled his leg. He slipped, hitting the floor face first. I didn’t expect him to get up as quickly as he did. The anger fueled him I guess. 

He threw a punch at me that I dodged with great ease. I let him attack me. It was fun watching him throw punches and kicks in the air with that ugly angry face. When I got bored, I punched him in the face. Bam. Broke his nose in the first attempt. It’s SO satisfying to hear that crunch when my knuckles hit the bone and it cracks. I wanted to sit on him and keep punching his face to hear more bones crack. 

Funnily, he gave me that chance himself. Despite a broken nose, he came at me. I punched him across the jaw. I heard something crackle, maybe it was his jaw. He was rattled by that punch. I seized his hair and slammed it on the kitchen counter. The marble edge jabbed into his eyebrow and he collapsed. I opened the drawer near his head, whipping him with it until he lost consciousness. I kept going even after he was out. His head was on the perfect level for the drawer to hit him every time I opened it. I loved how it sounded. But it wasn’t enough. I grabbed a knife from the drawer and sat on top of him. I was about to stab him in the abdomen when I remembered Butcher was coming. I hate when I have to adjust how I kill according to him. He’s coming to help me get rid of this body so he would want it in good condition in return. 

The only place I could stab him was his throat. I tilted his head back and slit his throat. The blood splattering on my face was so fucking satisfying. It's the sweet sweet realisation that this is my win. I chose death for him. His blood spurted all over the kitchen floor and I lay in it soaking in my victory. Murder is the only thing that is mine. And it will always be mine.

Butcher showed up sometime later in the disguise of an old woman because security guards don’t question old women. 

He scolded me for killing Taeyoung before he arrived. His plan was to wear his clothes and leave so it would seem like Taeyoung. Except now most of his clothes were soaked in blood. 

“I knew you would do something stupid, so I came up with a back up plan” he said after chewing my ears off about how irresponsible I was. 

“What is it?” I asked.

“You will wash his clothes while I dissolve his body in your bathroom so it can go down the drain”

There are perks to having a doctor help clear a body. I asked him multiple times how he was going to do it but he didn’t tell me. I think he was carrying the equipment in the bag he was carrying. He stripped the body and dragged it to the bathroom, locking it. 

“I know you want to use it for all murders in the future” He said. He knows me. I googled how to dissolve a body. It's a complicated process. My bathroom had turned into a suffocating furnace when he came out. He was in there for a really long time. He was sweating and breathless when he came out. I used all that time to find out how to dissolve a body but it was really beyond me. I hate Butcher for it.

He wore Taeyoung’s clothes, donned a cap and a mask and asked me to come along with him to the lobby. He said it was so that when he leaves the building and I go back home, it becomes clear that I have nothing to do with Taeyoung’s disappearance. I let him bullshit me about that. It was unnecessary. He wanted a reason to hug me in the lobby. 

In the elevator, he thanked me. He said he was happy to know that I thought of him in crisis and that he’ll always be there. Then he kissed me and I kissed back because he tasted good. Fuck Hyukjae, I don’t need his help. 

“Don’t loll in blood next time we meet” Butcher said while we were standing in the lobby. 

“Why?”

He hugged me, whispering in my ear. “Makes me want to eat you”

If there’s anything worse than killing people, it’s eating them. Butcher was a filthy thing and I like that I am not the worst thing this world has to offer.

H signing out.

Donghae paused, recollecting what Kyuhyun told him in the shed downstairs.

….you’re the only person who never made me feel like I’m a monster for wanting to eat humans…

Donghae felt something he couldn’t put a finger to yet. His heart seemed to curl in some kind of excitement. He was itching to tell Kyuhyun what he actually thought of him. He wanted to see his heart break. Something about breaking him down made Donghae’s blood rush.

He went to the kitchen where Kyuhyun was busy brewing his exotic meat. Kyuhyun took a whiff of the stew in the pot before covering it with the lid. He seemed to enjoy the scent with every sense. 

“You’re disgusting” Donghae spat.

“Me? I know” 

“Eating humans is worse than killing them” 

Kyuhyun nodded, unamused. He reached for spices in the top cabinet and laid them out making sure he had enough to season his meat.

“You’re a filthy thing, the worst thing this world has to offer”

Kyuhyun chuckled softly as he started chopping an onion. 

Donghae seized a handful of his hair, yanking his head back. Kyuhyun sucked in a breath.

“Didn’t you hear me?” Donghae whispered irritatedly. “You’re a fucking monster Kyuhyun”

The playful smile on his face irked Donghae. He kicked the back of his knee, causing him to fall on his knees.

Donghae clutched Kyuhyun’s hair tighter, bending down to look at him at eye level. 

“I like this colour on yo–” Kyuhyun was cut off by the sharp tug on his hair that made him look up. 

“Say it. Say you’re a monster and you don’t deserve to live”

“No”

“Say it”

Kyuhyun shook his head. 

Donghae leaned forward, close enough to whisper in his ear. Kyuhyun felt his hot breath on his ear as he spoke. “I’m asking you nicely for the last time”

“I won’t–” The words barely left his lips when he was cut off by his own scream. Donghae had bitten his ear hard. Kyuhyun pushed him, backing away against the wall. He groaned covering his ear. “What the fuck!?” Tears brimming, Kyuhyun frowned at Donghae. 

“You said you’d beg if I asked you to” Kyuhyun wiped his eyes and got back on his knees before Donghae. He was capable of taking Donghae down physically, or so he would like to believe. Except, Kyuhyun didn’t want to take him down. He wanted Donghae.

“Fine. I’ll do it” He muttered. “I’m a monster and I don’t deserve to live”

Donghae smiled but he was not quite pleased by how quickly Kyuhyun agreed. He wanted to push his limits.

Donghae held up his diary. “Do you know what this is?”

Kyuhyun shook his head. 

“This is my diary.  Do you know how many times I have mentioned you in it?”

“Two?”

“Zero” Donghae feigned a cocky smile. “You do realise how unimportant you are right? The people I murdered and cut up have more mentions in here. And I despised them” 

“There are still more pages left. I can be in those”

Donghae shrugs. “Why would I want to write about a pathetic person like you?”

“Same reason why you want to rub it in my face that you hate me”

Donghae frowned a little.

“I bet you’re enjoying this. I know I am. Nice to know you think about me enough to come up with ways to humiliate me”

“You deserve to be humiliated” 

“You can step on me and I'll still be grateful. Hyukjae wouldn’t let you do that would he?”

Donghae smacked him across the face.

“Still grateful?”

Kyuhyun’s fingers grazed over his stinging cheek, gaze travelling back up to meet Donghae’s. “Still grateful.”

Donghae left without another word. He opened his diary to continue reading. He just wanted to get his mind off of Kyuhyun. Part of him wanted to give Kyuhyun what he wanted and toy with him. 

Donghae shook his head as he flipped through the pages of his diary. 

14/4/19

I met Hyukjae to tell him to take care of Taeyoung’s case. Then he said something to me. “Oh thank god you dress like a normal person now. I was wondering what was up with you when you dyed your hair white. This is much better. Black suits you”

“You like me better like this?” I asked to confirm.

“Yeah”

That made me feel so good. I was wrong. Murder isn’t the only thing that’s mine. Hyukjae is still mine too. He thinks of me like I think of him. 

Donghae calmed down. This is what he needed to read. Hyukjae was his person. Kyuhyun was just a fleeting urge. He would love to play with him but not at the cost of betraying Hyukjae. Donghae had his wits about him unlike H who kissed Kyuhyun just because he was mad at Hyukjae. Donghae would never ever do that.