Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

REMUS

You had the same scent of freedom. Of happiness.

The breath of air you take after being underwater for a minute, your nose lets the air enter your lungs, and you feel alive again.

You made me feel alive. In love.

You were the oxygen that kept me alive.

But now you’ve gone too far. Because I feel like I can't breathe anymore.

Irises; van Gogh (1889)

*****

Some time after Remus’ fifth birthday, his family decided to move to a new town.

He kept asking them why at first, until the answer came on its own. They never told him where they lived before they moved to a rather big house almost outside Bristol. “It was a bad place and it’s better this way” was the answer, every time he asked.

He felt a strange feeling of hatred towards their new town. Hatred towards the people who lived there. And maybe the people who lived there hated him back.

And their house, big, but always empty. Surrounded by many other houses, but always empty. He hated it too.

Some days, Remus felt this feeling of hatred for his parents too, but it never lasted long. Just the days after his nightmares.

He had these strange nightmares once a month.

Remus didn't remember much about his first ten years of life. Just two things, really.

But before I tell you more about it, I must admit that not everything I’ve said so far is entirely true.

Hate is not something people teach you. They don’t tell you how to do it, or rather, to feel it. In fact, Remus didn't like the word ‘hate’. He never used it. He didn't even believe that such thing existed. Hate. Because, if it existed, then life hated him.

One night his mum told him that hate was just something people had made up to justify things. Actions.

Wars came from hate. Crimes came from hate. Hate came from men.

“And love?” He had asked her.

His mum had smiled down at him.

“Love comes from men too, but the difference between love and hate is simple. A man can hate another man, and a man can love another man. A man can hate an animal, a flower, a tree. But they can't hate him back. You follow me, Remus?" She always asked that. "They’re flowers, plants. Inanimate things. Or animals, yes. They can give us fruits, company, beauty, and love. They can’t give hate. Because hate doesn't exist in nature. It only exists when you want it to exists. Love exists everywhere.” 

She also loved nature.

Remus told himself to keep that in mind for the rest of his life.

There was a trap in what his mum had told him, though. She had said that love existed everywhere, but that was a lie. Because the person, the thing, or we can say the animal (because that’s what he is, in fact), that hadn't given him the chance to have a normal life like everyone else, that had forced him to be like that, hadn't given him love. That was hate. And it existed in nature too, Remus had seen it.

But he had never dared to say this to his mum.

He had always told her that he hated nothing in his life. But if he could hate something, the object of his hatred would be the reason why they had to move to a new house. To change life. To get away from the Wizarding World and the good things that could have happened if everything had just remained normal.

Once a month, his dad closed him up in the attic. He made him sleep there, and every time Remus had the same nightmare. The morning after, he remembered nothing about this dream, just that he was so scared. Sometimes he woke up with scars he didn’t even remember how he had made, and he cried in his mother’s arms, asking her to make it stop. He always told her that a monster had given him those scars. He was scared of it. She promised him that she would keep it away, and she always did. But just for a month. Because then it came back, and Remus cried again.

At some point, he started believing that it was his dad who hit him. Every time he told his mum this, he didn’t know how, but he could hear his dad crying from the other room.

Then he realised they weren’t dreams. It wasn’t his dad either.

He understood it years later, when his dad finally told him the truth. Imagine telling a eight-year-old child that when he was five, a werewolf came into his little bedroom and bit him.

Imagine telling a eight-year-old kid that the monster that had been the reason of his nightmares for the past few years was himself.

Sure, hate didn't exist, but that was the closest thing to it, in Remus' opinion.

When Remus realised that his dad wasn’t a monster, he became his student. Remus didn’t go to a public school, never had any contact with the world outside beside his late afternoon walks with his mum. He never made any friends in the first ten years of life. His mum was his best friend. His dad was the one who taught him everything he needed to know. It was just the three of them.

His mum, a muggle who understood nothing about magic but tried to; his dad, a wizard who had decided to live as far away from the Wizarding World as possible; and Remus. A literal werewolf.

It was just the three of them. His mum, who worked on a cafe shop and never had dinner at home with them; his dad, who taught him to read, to write and to do mathematical calculations, a teacher who didn't know that Remus could feel that he was sad all the time when he taught him; and Remus. Who every month said bye to his parents, like he was going somewhere, but actually just went in a closed room above his parents bedroom and faced his nightmares. Alone.

It was the three of them. Until the day Dumbledore came and gave Remus his letter. His Hogwarts’ letter.

At first, Remus wasn't sure if he wanted to attend that school. He liked studying with his dad. And…

“But Albus, you know about his condition, right?” His dad had asked the man with the long white beard as soon as they had closed themselves in Lyall’s office. Maybe they had forgotten that Remus could still hear them from the other room.

“Of course. We have thought of everything. There’s a place where he can stay on the full moons. An abandoned house, you can say that, in Hogsmade. I placed a tree on the Hogwarts’ ground, under it there’s a passage and he can reaches the house. It probably won’t be the most comfortable thing ever, but it can work. I’ll do everything to keep him safe.”

His mum had called him after that.

When his dad and the man came out of the office, Lyall was excited. Remus could feel that he was.

The days after were dedicated to ‘Hogwarts’. Lyall told Remus everything about the famous school of magic. He explained him what Quidditch was—Remus understood nothing about it, but he just smiled. He told him about 'houses'—Remus didn't even know what that meant, but he smiled. And the special subjects he was going to study.

His mum was happy too. She knew that this was his destiny, after all. And even if she didn't understand everything of it, she had decided that this was also a part of her own life the day she had married his father. So she was happy.

Remus was confused. He pretended to be excited like his dad, and happy like his mum, but in fact, he was confused. He didn't understand a lot of things about that school.

First of all, how were they going to deal with his problem? Had that old man really placed a tree just for him? How do you even place a tree?

Then, it would have been the first time Remus would have studied with people around him. Not just him and his dad. Professors, schoolmates.

Schoolmates.

The optimistic part of him was hoping that he could make friends in that world, the Wizarding World. The other part of him was realistic. What if the old man had told his schoolmates about his problem? No way they would've wanted to be his friends.

He really hoped that he hadn't told them, though. He hoped that the old man hadn’t told anyone. Because if he was himself’s nightmare, it was fine. It wasn't fine anymore if he started being others’ nightmare, too.

On the first of September 1971, Lyall and Hope accompanied Remus to the ‘Platform 9¾’.

The best part was the car ride to London. Lyall drove while Hope and Remus stayed in the back seats. She sang ‘Your Song’ by Elton John while Remus was laying with his head on her legs. She played with his hair, and Remus just listened to her voice. (That remained one of his favourite memories with his mum forever. Even years and years later, when just hearing Your Song on the radio would make him cry like the little boy he was the first time he heard it that morning, it would still remain one of his favourite memories, ever.)

After he ran against the wall between platform 9 and 10, his mum kissed him on the cheek and the three of them shared a big hug, before Remus jumped into the train. He waved his parents goodbye one last time before the ‘Hogwarts Express’ set off and he found himself alone—of course—on an empty carriage.

He slept during the whole trip. Some hours later, a girl with light green eyes and blond hair woke him up. She tapped his shoulder a few times before he woke up and met her eyes. “Hi, we’re here. I passed by and saw you sleeping there, thought I'd wake you up. You have to put your uniform on.” She smiled down at him, “I’ll let you change.” Then she disappeared.

Remus connected all the things she had just told him and put his uniform on as fast as he could. Still, when he got out of the train, he was the last, and a big tall man with a curly beard was waiting for him in front of the door. All the other first years, of course, were waiting for him too. They were looking at him with mixed emotions. Some were annoyed, others didn't care at all. A boy with black long hair was grinning at him. Remus just met his eyes for a second then turned to ‘Hagrid’, who had to accompany them to the castle.

“Sorry.” He said, looking up, swallowing. Ignoring others’ eyes on him.

“No problem, kid.” Hagrid patted his shoulder with his big hand, “Now let’s go.”

No one talked to him while they made their way to the castle by boat. His father had told him about it, and had also told him that there would be a ceremony for them in the castle, where they were going to be sorted in a 'house'. Whatever that meant.

There were four houses, but he didn't remember their name. Just Ravenclaw, because it was his dad’s house.

A part of Remus was hoping to be also sorted into Ravenclaw because of that. Actually, Lyall was hoping for him to be sorted into Ravenclaw. He had never said it, but he had made it clear enough to Remus.

Thing is, at the end of the ceremony, Remus found himself sitting at the Gryffindors table.

During dinner, he introduced himself to other first years, whose names he forgot in matter of seconds.

“I’m Lily Evans.” A girl with red hair and green eyes introduced herself to him, looking at him curiously.

“And I’m Mary MacDonald.” Said the other girl, her skin was light brown, like her hair and her eyes. They were both sitting in front of him.

“I’m Remus Lupin.”

Mary smiled. “What a nice name.”

He tried to smile back, “Thanks.”

He spoke with them for the rest of the dinner. They told him that didn’t know each other either, but that they had met on the train and had became friends there.

They knew no one else, like him, so it was easy for them to start a conversation. Also because they all lived in the ‘muggle’ world. Mary and Lily were muggleborns.

Lily told him that her friend ‘Severus’, who had been sorted in Slytherin, had introduced her to magic after she had received her letter, so she was happy to finally have the opportunity to learn everything about it. 

Mary knew nothing about magic, and also told them that her parents weren’t happy that she was studying there. She reminded him of his mum, but he didn't tell her that. Not nice.

“My dad’s a wizard and my mum a muggle, we live in Bristol.” Remus said when it was his turn to talk.

“I live in London.” Mary said.

While Lily said: “Birmingham.”

Remus looked around and tried to find the girl who had woken him up in the train, but couldn't find her. He saw a girl at his table with blond short hair like the one in the train, she was talking to three other boys, one with glasses, one with blonde hair, and the boy that he had seen earlier with the long black hair. But she wasn't the right girl.

There was another problem that only occurred to him later, when they were led into their Common Room by the Gryffindor prefect, Frank. Bedmates.

The boys started to look around and pick someone to share their room with. The rooms were made of four people each. And Remus was with himself at the moment.

He actually didn’t choose anything. The others did.

He looked around, trying not to seem too pathetic. Then he met the same blue eyes that he had already met twice that night. The boy with black long hair. He was looking at Remus curiously. Remus was embarrassed, but he didn't break the eye contact with him, like it was a challenge.

Remus saw the boy’s mouth move, he just said “yes” to his two other friends, the ones that were with him at dinner, and a moment later the smaller boy with blonde hair came to him, asking Remus if he wanted to share a room with him and his two friends.

Remus looked down at him for a moment, then nodded.

(He didn’t know back then, but if he had said no to that strange small boy who later became his best friend, his life would have been very different.

Completely different.

Maybe better, maybe worse. Who knows?)

*****

Later that night, when he found himself sharing a room with those three strangers, that’s when his life changed forever.

The blonde boy, the one who had asked Remus to join them, was Peter. Petter Pettigrew. He was small, his cheeks always red, and from what Remus had understood, he was James’ best friend since they were three. He liked to say it.

James had round glasses and dark hair. He pronounced his name proudly, James Potter, saying his family was one of the most famous pureblood families of the Wizarding World. Remus had never heard of them, but he didn’t tell James that. He just smiled politely.

The boy with the black long hair, Sirius Black, told him that he had met James and Peter for the first time on the train. And while he said that he laughed.

“Wait till my parents know about that. First they’ll hear that I’m a Gryffindor, and when my mother will be near to have an heart attack, I’ll tell her that I’m sharing the room with a Potter and a Pettigrew. She’ll definitely die on the spot.”

“And… What is your family name again, Remus? Sorry.” James looked up at him. Remus was trying to follow their conversation, but was clearly confused. He was focusing more on laying his bed sheets down in the right way.

“Uhm, Lupin. I don't think that you know my family, my dad's a wizard but he doesn't work in the Wizarding World anymore. We live in the muggle world.”

“Your mum’s a muggle?” Sirius asked, curious. Remus just nodded.

"Your accent is strange." Peter commented. "Not London, is it?"

"No. Bristol."

They pretended to know where it was. James smiled. “And a half-blood.” He said, first grinning at Remus, then turning to Sirius. “You’re sharing a room with a Potter, a Pettigrew, and a half-blood.”

James, Sirius and Peter laughed.

Remus didn’t know what to say. He sat on his bed and stared at them.

“Is that a problem?” He asked, his voice a bit rough. They stopped laughing and looked at him confused, before he could add awkwardly: “That I’m a half-blood. Is it a problem or something?”

“No, of course not.” James said immediately, shaking his head. “I don’t care about this blood bullshit. Sorry. My dad doesn’t want me to say bullshit. Sorry, I said it again.”

“I don’t care either,” Sirius said, jumping into his bed, the one near James’. “But my parents do. My mother will say that I’m dishonouring the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. That’s why they’ll have an heart attack when I’ll tell them. Ha. May be the best day of my life.”

Remus didn't understand what he was saying.

He looked at Sirius for a moment, the boy’s dark hair was completely in contrast with his pale skin. Just like his eyes, of a blue so bright that they seemed almost grey.

He looked at James. He was putting his last things into the wardrobe, Remus could see his rich clothes from his bed.

He turned to Sirius again, still lying down on his bed. Even his pajama was elegant. His unpacked things placed all around his bed, everything in order.

Remus felt a bit ashamed. He was wearing one of his dad’ jumpers. His hair messy. His few things still packed in his small suitcase. He stopped bitting on his nails and sat up straighter. Feeling out of place.

Peter was just looking at his feet and eating a frog made of chocolate. Remus looked at him too, and found comfort for the first time. The boy met his eyes and smiled warmly. “Do you want one?”

Remus shook his head, looking away. “Oh no, I’ve already brushed my teeth. But thank you.”

Peter asked the others too, James ate one and then went to brush his teeth. Sirius got under his sheets. Peter followed James in the bathroom. Remus looked at them out the corner of his eye.

“Good night, Remus.” Sirius said from his bed, Remus almost jumped in surprise.

He turned to him, but Sirius’ curtains were already closed, Remus could hear his breath. “Good night.”

He got under his sheets too, closing his eyes and hoping to never open them again.

*****

Sirius and James probably didn't do it in purpose, but everything they did showed how wealthy they were. Their way of talking, their things, their gestures. Some times Remus had to look away, like he couldn't look at them for too long.

They seemed nice people, really, Remus had no doubts about that. But perhaps the problem was him.

At first, he tried to fit in their conversations, but always felt completely out of place. It was weird. But he completely ruined his chances to become their friends the day after the first full moon.

The full moon fell on the day before the start of the lessons. That day, he went to the hospital wing, like professor McGonagall had told him to, and found a kind nurse who took care of him.

It was strange, knowing that strangers knew about his ‘problem’, and were still kind to him. And he was still there. Studying at the best Wizarding School of the country.

Like promised, there was a tree. And a house connected to it. They locked him up in a room of the strange house and he spent the night there. It was okay, he was used to it. And he knew it was the best thing for everyone. So it was fine.

That night the wolf in him probably realised that he wasn't at home anymore, because it made everything more painful than usual. The transformation went so bad that the day after, Remus had to stay in the hospital wing till late afternoon. He was used to hurt himself during the full moons, but not like this. Not that much.

The nurse, Madam Pomfrey, was even more gentle to him that morning, but Remus was just angry. It was the first day of lessons and he couldn't go.

Everything was going in the wrong way.

He wasn’t a pureblood like his perfect bedmates. He didn't have fancy clothes. His transformation had been worse than usual. People didn't recognise him when he passed in the hallways, like they did with James and Sirius. And he had also had to skip his lessons.

He didn't even know what those chocolate frogs Peter always had with him were!

When he came back to his room, before dinnertime, he was still angry. About everything.

“Mate! Where have you been?” James looked up at him, the others did too. Remus ignored him and sat on his bed, his hands covering his face.

The three boys formed a semicircle around him, they stood in front of his bed, looking down at Remus.

“Everything good?” James kept going. “You skipped lessons this morning, you can’t do that! And where have you slept? You weren’t even there-“ He tried to continue, but Remus interrupted him before he could even finish his sentence.

“Stop talking. Leave me alone.”

Sirius intervened immediately. “Oi mate, he was just asking-“

“Well, don’t.” Remus looked up, “Shut up, the three of you. I’m not in the mood.” He was angry and wasn't even realising what he was saying. He just wanted to be alone. But, of course, they couldn't know this.

Sirius arched his eyebrow. “But we are at school.” He said, his voice hard. “You can’t do whatever you want, you know that?”

That hit Remus’ nerves. He got up and pushed him. Sirius took a few steps back and Remus did too. James and Peter gasped. Remus stepped back again, his legs met the bed. Sirius’ eyes widened. “I-” Oh God.

“What’s your problem?!” Sirius blurted out, stepping back again. “Seriously, what’s wrong with you? You’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met. Merlin.”

Remus kept looking at him, he breathed and breathed, his hands on fire. “Just leave me alone, will you?”

Sirius snorted, nodding. “No problem.”

They went to dinner without him after.

Remus heard Sirius say: “Who does he think he is?!” before they closed the door behind their back and Remus covered his face with his hands again.

Nice way of making friends, Remus.

*****

After that, things were over between them.

So what Remus did was: he became friend with everyone, expect his roommates. Not on purpose, though.

He read a lot. At first just the books he had to study, then he found out about the school library, and started reading everything that came to his hands. He asked his mum to send him other books. Muggle books. They were better than the ones he could find in the Hogwarts’ library, another thing that made him different from James, Sirius and Peter. He was attached to the Muggle world, while the other three didn't even know what a car was.

He attended his classes, then wandered around in the castle, stopped reading seated in windows he found around, and people he didn’t know started stopping to talk with him. Older students commented books with him, stayed in the library till late with him. Sometimes he found some hiding places and just hid there, taking a breath of air or just think. Alone. But these moments were not many. He was always surrounded by people.

He spent very little time in his room.

After the second full moon, his three bedmates didn't ask him where he had spent the night or why he hadn't attended his lessons. They never asked him anything, really.

Remus kept avoiding them for the first two months. Sometimes James tried to make him join their conversations, but it was too weird, so he just shrugged it off every time.

He had found enough courage to talk with Lily and Mary again. They were always with another girl, who he recognised to be the one girl who was talking with James, Peter and Sirius the first night. Marlene McKinnon.

“Of course, Remus!” They said the first time he asked if he could sit with them at lunch, tired to sit with the others and spent the meal in silence. Mary greeted him happily. 

“How are you?” Lily asked him, he sat next to her.

“Fine, thank you.” He looked down at her, then turned to the blond girl next to Mary, who smiled at him. “Hi. I’m Remus, we’ve never introduced ourselves to each other.”

It was the second week of October, back then.

“I’m Marlene, nice to meet you.”

“And you?” He asked the three of them, “How are you?”

“Good!” Mary replied, she was always happy, he had noticed. “I’m liking all my subjects so far, expect potions.”

“I like potions,” Lily said instead, “Severus says I’m good at it.”

“Just because he likes you.” Mary giggled, and Lily closed her eyes.

“We’re just friends, how many times do I have to tell you this? My God.”

“Oh, Lily…”

"Again, Mary? Again?!"

“You’re sharing the room with James and Peter?” Marlene asked Remus, interrupting her two friends.

He turned to her and nodded. “Yes, and Sirius Black too.”

“Oh yeah, Black. I don’t really know him.” Marlene wrinkled her nose, “James and Peter are my friends, I’ve known them since we were, like, three. We live in the same neighbourhood.”

“Really? You live near to each others?”

“Yes. I live next to Peter, and James lives in the street next to ours. They’re like brothers to me.”

“Cool.” Remus said, not knowing what else to say. He didn't want to tell her that he had spoken to them just, like, twice.

“What are you talking about?” Mary asked, Marlene and Remus both turned to her.

“My roommates.”

“Oh Black and Potter, right? And the little one.”

“Yeah, Peter.”

“I don’t like them,” Lily said, taking a sip of water.

I’m not sure if I like them either, Remus wanted to say, but he just shrugged. “We’re not that close, actually.”

“Why?” Marlene asked, leaning towards him with her elbows on the table. Loving the gossip.

“Just not fit with them, I guess.” He shrugged again. He found Mary and Lily agreeing with him.

“Yeah, they show off too much, in my opinion. I mean, we get it, you’re rich and from famous families, but we don’t care. They think they’re so special.” Lily rolled her eyes, and Remus realised that she had just said what he had wanted to say from the first day.

“James likes to say his name around,” Marlene agreed, “but he’s nice. He’s a good kid, Peter too. I don't know about Black though…”

“Yeah,” Mary looked around, “I’ve heard about his family.”

“What about his family?” Remus asked, now more curious than ever.

“Don’t you know? The Black family is one of the most famous pureblood families of England. The Potters too, but they’re famous in a good way. The Blacks not exactly…”

He leaned closer too. “What you mean?”

Marlene also looked around. “I mean that magic can be good, or it can be bad… and his family is one of the families that use dark magic. The Blacks are usually sorted in Slytherin, I don't even know why he’s here.”

Remus turned to his three roommates, seated not too far away from them, but not too close either. And found Sirius already staring at him. They both looked away immediately.

He turned back to him some seconds later, now Sirius was talking with James and Peter, laughing and smiling. He looked at him for a minute, then turned to the girls.

“You didn't know?” Marlene asked him and he shook his head.

“No… I told you, we aren’t close.”

“But Remus,” Mary said, whispering, “everyone knows about it, even me and Lily.”

“He’s famous, yeah,” Lily added, “but not in a good way. People don't talk that good about him. He’s just known, you know?”

“You’re a muggleborn too?” Marlene asked, and he shook his head, again.

“I’m an half-blood. My dad’s a wizard, my mum’s a muggle.”

“Me too!” Marlene said happily, “My dad’s a wizard and my mum’s a muggle.”

“Cool.” Remus said once again, smiling at her.

The four of them kept talking for the rest of the lunch. Remus laughed and talked and had fun with them, they were nice. And they were the first real friends he made at Hogwarts. He kept having lunch with them after that one time. And dinner too. And breakfast. His roommates never complained.

Like I said earlier, he made a lot of friends, really. He stopped and studied with strangers in the library, then stopped to talk with them again in the hallways if he stumbled over them. He didn't have a famous name he could brag about, but people seemed to like him. So he was happy. Even without his famous name.

*****

His roommates tried to talk to him again on the third of November. Which, Remus didn't know back then, but was Sirius’ twelfth birthday.

Of course, Remus was the only one who didn't know that it was Sirius’ birthday.

He woke up to James’ screams, and when he finally got out of bed and opened the curtains, letting his eyes saw the light of the day, James and Peter were singing Happy birthday with red hats on their heads, Sirius was smiling between them.

“It’s Sirius’ birthday!” James told him. He put a hat on Remus head and went back singing with Peter. Sirius looked up embarrassed.

Remus didn't know what to do.

“Oh, happy birthday.” He just said, awkwardly.

“Thanks.”

Remus tried to move his head along to the other boys’ song. Trying to act normal.

Yet, he couldn't stop thinking about what Marlene had told him that one day at lunch, about Sirius and his family.

“…magic can be good, or it can be bad… and his family is one of the families that use dark magic.”

Peter’s voice brought him back to reality. “We’re going to have a small party tonight for Sirius’ birthday in the common room, uhm, do you…er-” He tried, but James interrupted him.

“We didn't tell you because you were never here, of course. Not because we don’t want you to come. Actually, we want you to come, so-”

“Can you not stay with your girlfriends all night and celebrate with us?” Sirius finished, looking up at Remus.

Remus sulked, “They’re not my girlfriends.”

“Whatever they are.” Sirius said. “You wanna celebrate with us or not?”

Remus sulked again. Why was he even asking him to come if he clearly didn't want him there? His tones annoyed Remus. They annoyed him so much.

And…

“…magic can be good, or it can be bad… and his family is one of the families that use dark magic.”

“Uhm,” Remus tried to think about an excuse quickly. But fate was (or wasn’t?) in his favour.

It was a full moon that night.

“I can’t tonight.”

“Why?” James asked carefully, maybe he was scared that Remus could attack him again. Remus kinda felt bad for it.

He made something up. “I have to go home.”

They looked at him confused.

“Uhm,” he had never thought about something to say in that occasion. He never thought he needed to. “My mum’s sick.” He just said, nodding along. Then took the opportunity to explain all his monthly disappearances at once. “I go home every month, to visit her. Professor McGonagall makes me apparate with her to Bristol, where I live, and I see my mum. That’s why I skip classes once a month.”

“Your mum’s sick?” Peter asked, worried.

Remus nodded again. “Er, yeah, nothing too serious.” He looked down at his feet, hoping to sound convincing enough. It had been so easy to lie, actually. He was amazed with himself.

They probably believed him at the first try, because when he looked up their eyes were wide open.

“Oh Merlin, Remus. We didn't know that. I’m sorry. I-“ James started to say, and Remus started to feel bad for lying. “I’m so sorry, I didn't know.” He repeated.

“Yes, we’re sorry too. We didn't know.” Peter said too. “I hope she’ll feel good soon.”

“Me too.” James agreed. Sirius said nothing.

“Thanks.” Remus replied, now really feeling bad about the excuse he had just made up.

Sirius looked up at him and just said: “Whatever.”

*****

The next days were even more bizarre.

Because James and Peter, and Sirius just because he was with them, waited for him before breakfast, even though he eat with the girls; waited for him before going to their classes, even though he sat with the girls; and before going to lunch after the lessons were over, even though he stayed with the girls.

Remus didn't understand why they did it. And if it was because they felt sorry for his mum, Remus tried not to feel too bad about that excuse.

Some weeks after Sirius’ birthday, the strangeness of the situation reached the top. Because Peter asked him if he could help him with his Charms essay.

Remus was reluctant at first, but, after all, Peter seemed okay. Never going around saying proudly his name to everyone, never wearing fancy clothes, never using big words when he talked to people just to show off. Basically, he didn't do what James and Sirius did all the time.

So Remus found himself saying yes. And just like that, they were sitting together in the library, studying Charms.

Like he had imagined, Peter was really similar to him. He didn’t talk that much, which to Remus seemed strange, since he was so close to James and Sirius, who were always talking with everyone. And, Remus didn't want to say it, but Peter seemed as boring as him. No offence. Actually, he meant it in a good way, really.

After one hour of awkward silence, they finally started talking.

“You’re really good at this.” Peter said when they were done with their homework. They closed their books and put them on the table in front of them, neither of them seemed to want to get up. “Actually, all of our lessons, you’re good at all of them.”

“I just study a lot, I guess. That’s what I’m here for, so.” Remus shrugged. That made him a little embarrassed. Sirius and James had always good marks in every subject, even though Remus never saw them open a book.

He couldn't do that. If he wanted to be good, he had to study. And he wanted to be good.

Also. Things were different for him.

If Peter had known the truth about his 'problem', he would have understood why he had to study so hard. Remus knew that he couldn’t fail, never. If someone like Sirius or James did, it was fine, but it was already too much for Remus to be there, he couldn’t ruin everything. He had to keep it. That opportunity. He had to keep it at all costs.

It was funny, thinking that just two months earlier he didn’t even want to go in that school, and now he was doing everything to stay there.

“So, what book are you reading now?” Peter asked him again, Remus was caught off guard by the question.

“Oh, I’m reading Naked Lunch, don’t know if you know it, it’s a muggle book.” He raised his voice a bit as he pronounced the word ‘muggle’, he didn't know why.

“I don’t,” Peter sounded sorry, “but I like reading too. I noticed that you read a lot. That’s why you’re never in our room?”

“Uhm… guess so? But it’s not like I’m always studying or reading. I also meet with my… friends.”

“Oh. Right.”

They stayed in silence, looking down. Everything was starting to feel uncomfortable again.

Peter rubbed the back of his neck. “Are they, your friends, a better company? Than me, or James and Sirius.” He asked, still looking down.

Remus didn’t know what to say.

“I guess we didn’t have a good start. Yeah…”

“I think that too.” Peter nodded and rubbed the back of his neck again, his blonde hair was shorter than Remus’, who now realised that he had never cut it since he had arrived at Hogwarts. Brown curls covered his head. He had never had them this long before. “I know we had a strange start, but I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a while now.”

Remus tried to meet his eyes, but the boy didn’t want to look up at him. He couldn’t tell if Peter was embarrassed, or scared of him. Maybe the two of them mixed up together.

“I really want you to give us, or just me, I don’t know, another chance. We’re not that bad, I swear. James and Sirius are a bit full of themselves, but they’re great people. Really. And I… I wanted to apologise to you. I’d like to start again, if you want.”

He looked up for a second then looked away quickly, as if he couldn’t stand Remus’ gaze on him.

Remus arched an eyebrow. “Apologise? What for?”

Peter shrugged, “For everything. I mean. That’s clearly a reason if you always avoid us. And, I'm also sorry about your mum, but I'm more sorry that we didn't make you feel comfortable enough to tell us about it earlier.

These were nice words. What was that coming from? Remus had never realised that Peter did want to be his friend. He had just taken for granted that he hated him or something like that.

“I just thought, like, that we maybe did, or said, something which made you… you know, distant. It wasn’t the greatest start, I know.” Peter said again, “But I think you’re cool, really. I can’t talk for the others too, but I want to be your friend. If you want to, of course.”

“I’d like to.” Remus found himself saying. “I think I took for granted that you were… uhm, snooty, sorry. But thank you. For calling me cool, and for the other things you’ve just apologised for. You didn't need to. And I think I should apologise too. I thought you hated me.”

"I don't know what snooty means." Peter glanced at him for a moment, then burst out laughing, Remus’ eyebrow shot up in surprise. “And... I don’t know about the others, but why would I hate you? I started thinking you were cool when you pushed Sirius that night in our room. I loved it. Sorry. I shouldn’t say that, but he’s always so snooty, like you said, whatever that means. I like him, don’t get me wrong, but he’s a bit too much sometimes.”

Remus smiled. “Well, that time wasn't justified. When I pushed him. I was angry for something else and I attacked him, I shouldn't have. But yeah, I agree with what you said.”

“Whatever.” Peter shrugged. “I still think you’re cool. And I envy you, somehow. For being so independent. You do what you want to do, without worrying if people like you or not. You just do it. I admire that, the others do too, I’m sure.”

Remus felt the magnitude of those words on him. “I’m not that independent, really. Not as much as you think. But I appreciate the thought. Thanks. I’m sure you can be too.”

“I hope.”

Remus smiled down at him. “So, you still want to start over?”

Peter’ smile was big, like he was the happiest person in the world. “Yes, I really do.”

Later that night, when he and Peter got back to their dormitory, the small boy was telling him about that time that he and James tried to practice magic for the first time, before Hogwarts. Peter was happy, and Remus just listened to him, happy too.

That. That’s when Peter Pettigrew became his best friend.

(Years and years later, he wished he could erase that afternoon from his memory. Make sure they didn't walk out of that room smiling, together. Make sure they would never be together. Because, who knows, maybe they would all be alive if Remus had avoided Peter from the start, instead of Sirius.

That’s not how it went, though.)

*****

With Peter everything was easier. They understood each other. Always found something to talk about.

James was fine too. If Remus found himself alone with him, it was still weird. He didn't know how to talk to him yet. He and Sirius acted like they had known each other forever, there was this connection between them. Remus just didn't feel it.

Peter was more like him, maybe that was why they became friends so quickly.

During lunch, he sat with the boys, next to Peter. During dinner, he sat with the girls, next to Lily. At breakfast he alternated them. Sometimes he sat with Mary, Lily and Marlene. Sometimes near Peter, who didn’t eat anything at breakfast, but he went anyway. Maybe to stay with Remus. A part of him liked to think that.

He usually studied with the girls, but Peter began to take part of their study sessions too. Began to know more people too, thanks to Remus. And sometimes, when James and Sirius went to watch the quidditch practices, he and Peter stayed in their room and just talked. They both didn’t have much to say, but they always figured out something. Sometimes they told stories they had already told, but it was fine. Remus realised that his life without mentioning the fact that he was a werewolf wasn't so full of things to say. But Peter didn't seem to mind. He didn't have much to say either. He liked to tell the same story about him and his dad seeing the clabberts on the trees of a forest. Remus didn't even know what clabberts were.

The girls spent a lot of time with them, Remus and Peter. Not just in the library, but also in the boys’ bedroom. They didn't know if that was allowed, but it wasn't like they did more than talk and talk and talk.

So yes. With James and Sirius it was different. But honestly, Remus didn't mind.

Especially because, yes, James was actually nice, but Sirius. Sirius was intolerable to him.

Remus always tried to avoid him as mush as he could. Until one night. The night that would remain in Remus’ memories forever. Their start, I guess. A peculiar start.

Really peculiar.

“Why do you always have to invite the girls over? Just stay in the library and don't come in our room the next time.” Sirius said that one night, at the beginning of December.

Remus rolled his eyes. “You aren't even here when we invite them, so what’s the problem?”

“The problem is, this is our room too.” Sirius looked at James. “And you can't have whoever you want all the time.”

“James?” Remus turned to the boy with round glasses. “Is it a problem to you if we have the girls over?”

James shrugged, “I don’t mind at all, actually. Like you said, we’re never here anyway. And even if we were, it wouldn't be a problem. They seem nice.”

“See.” Remus turned to Sirius again, trying not to get any more pissed off.

“Well, I mind. And this is my room.”

“Your room? It’s yours as much as it’s mine, or Peter’s.”

“Well it’s not the den for your parties. Next time we’re going to walk in and find the whole Gryffindor tower?”

“What is your problem? Really.” Remus asked again, his breath was starting to accelerate. It was almost a full moon too. His temper wasn't in the mood for Sirius’ useless complaints.

“Listen,” Sirius sighed, “I was the one who wanted you to share this room with us. I told James and Peter to ask you. I didn't know back then that you were like this, though.”

Remus laughed. He really did laugh. “Like what? What does that even mean? It’s because I’m not your little dog that follows you everywhere? Oh, right, since you wanted me here I have to do everything you tell me to do, right? You bought me or something? You made me your house-elf when you chose me to share the room with you? And the world choose! Like you own me or something. Do you really think you’re that relevant just because your name is known? It’s not known for good things, believe me.”

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Sirius got up immediately. James and Peter were looking at the two of them with wide eyes. Remus was angry. His heart beating so fast he could hear it in his ears.

“Don’t you dare talk about my family.” Sirius raised his voice and stepped closer to Remus’ bed, who got up too. “Just because you have plenty of fans, and good grades and girls running after you, you think you’re better than us. Well, you’re not! You can’t do whatever you want!”

“Me?!” Remus started to see red, what was he even talking about? It was the opposite! Sirius felt superior, how dare he told Remus something like that? “It’s you you’re talking about! You always walk around telling everyone how rich your family is and all that. I don’t have a family like yours that I can show off, thank you very much. Not all of us are Blacks.”

Sirius shook his head and turned around, “Whatever. It’s useless talking to you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said it’s useless talking to you. I think you’re annoying and arrogant, so I don’t wanna talk to you. Did you hear me this time?”

“I am the one who’s annoying?! What are you then? You’re literally the most irritant person I’ve ever met.”

“Well, if you think that, then stay away from me!” Sirius snapped, “Don’t try to talk to me, Lupin.”

“Oh, I won’t!” Remus snapped back.

Sirius took a notebook with him and stormed out of the room, slamming the door.

Remus turned around and covered his face with his hands, his breath going fast and his eyes closed. He had to calm down, or he was going to punch something. Or someone. And the two people who still were in the room with him didn't deserve to be punched.

Sirius did, but luckily for him, he wasn't in the room anymore.

He listened to his friends’ breaths. His heart beating so loud that they could probably hear it too. Even without his werewolf's hearing.

“You okay?” Peter asked carefully. Remus didn't know how many minutes later.

“Yes.” Then he stormed out of the bedroom too. It was one of his hiding places’ day.

Sure, Remus didn't use the word ‘hate’, but he was beginning to think he could do an exception for Sirius Black.

Chapter Text

SIRIUS

The sky is still the same even if you’re far away from me.

And the stars still shine even if your eyes aren't looking at them anymore.

Or maybe they are. Maybe you're looking up at them like I'm looking up at them. At the same time, in different parts of the world.

And you're alone. In the piece of hell I’ve left you in.

The stars are the same, the sky is the same, me and you, we are not the same. And the full moon is not the same. We’re not running under it, the souls under our animal’s skins smiling at each other. We’re both letting out a silent scream, and I wonder if you still look up and think of me.

Yellow-Red-Blue; Kandinsky (1925)

*****

“He’s annoying. I’ve never met a person as annoying as him.”

“Tell me again, why is he so annoying?” Andromeda asked. She had Regulus' head on her legs, her fingers gently going trough his hair. The two of them were sitting on the couch. Sirius was on the floor, in front of the fireplace.

It was Christmas's day. Well, midnight of Christmas’s day. And he, his cousin Andromeda, and his little brother Regulus were the only ones awake. Well, Regulus was basically sleeping. But.

“He’s friend with everyone. Everyone. Literally everyone who encounters him in the hallways greets him or stops to talk with him. We’ve only been at Hogwarts for just three months, how is that even possible? Not even James Potter and I are that famous around. And we have two of the most famous names of the Wizarding World.”

Andromeda sighed. Regulus was totally asleep now. “You’re just jealous of him, silly.”

Sirius looked away, frowning. “I’m not. I just don’t understand. He’s not a pureblood! His name is Lupin, have you ever heard of it?”

“No.”

“Me neither! And yet, everyone loves him. You know I don’t really believe in what mum says about this stupid blood supremacy, but I still don’t understand.”

Andromeda sighed again and got up, waking up Regulus. “C’mon, we should all go to bed.”

“Why?” Sirius lamented. He loved spending time with his cousin. It was his favourite part of the Christmas holidays.

She smiled down at him and helped him get up as well. Sirius looked at Regulus, who had his eyes closed and was leaning against Andromeda's shoulder.

“He’s tired.” Andromeda said.

“’m not.” Regulus replied with his eyes still closed, and she smiled again.

Andromeda looked up at Sirius. “I should give you your present.”

“Why now?”

Again, she smiled. She gave him a flat package and kissed his cheeks. “Open it after.” Was the last thing she said, then led Regulus upstairs to his bedroom. Sirius looked at them disappear up the stairs. He was standing in front of the fire, Andromeda’s gift in his hands.

He adored her. She was eighteen and had finished Hogwarts the year before. She was the middle daughter of his aunt and uncle. The best between his cousins. Even if Sirius liked Narcissa too, Andromeda was his favourite.

They always did this. They waited midnight in the living room, while everyone was asleep, then went to bed, just for the sensation of it. Being the firsts who really lived Christmas. This year Regulus had asked to join them, but had fallen asleep too soon for midnight. He was still young and tired at nine. Ten years old, a head of black black hair.

Sometimes, the whole family met at his house for Christmas, and they celebrated all together. It was fine. He liked two of his three cousins. Even if this year he felt like something had changed between them. Maybe because of his sorting in Gryffindor.

Everyone in his family had always been sorted in Slytherin. Always. Andromeda too. He was the first Black Gryffindor in more than a century. His mother was still annoyed by it. His father too. His aunt and uncle didn’t have a word in the subject, but they were as well. And Bellatrix, of course. Sirius expected it.

Of that Christmas’s dinner, back in 1971, Sirius would always remember one thing. Not his cousin Bellatrix making fun of him for being a Gryffindor, not his aunt’s words of disappointment, and neither the horrible stew their house elves had made. He would always remember Andromeda’s ‘after’.

On the seventh of January 1972, Sirius hugged his little brother a little longer than usual. Regulus still hugged him a lot, all the time, but Sirius knew that it was just matter of months and his brother would define himself ‘big enough for hugs.’

He got on the Hogwarts Express with his cousin Narcissa, who left him stand alone and went to the other direction immediately. After Christmas, she didn't wanna talk to anyone.

Sirius pulled a fake smile on his face and looked for his friends in every carriage, then found them in one of the last ones. It was just Peter and James. He was happy to see them, actually. Especially James.

“Hi.”

Peter and James looked up at him and he smiled. Really smiled.

James' smile was even bigger. Peter and him were sitting one in front of the other and Sirius took the opportunity to sit next to James.

“Hi, Sirius. What’s up?”

“You two?” He asked the both of them, trying to find a comfortable position to sit in for the next few hours. Trying to avoid the Christmas’ topic.

“Good! My parents had some friends over for Christmas, it was nice. Peter’s family came too.” Said James, so happy that it made Sirius smile too.

Peter nodded. “Yes, it was amazing. James’ mum always cooks amazing dishes.”

“What about your Christmas?” James asked him.

Sirius shrugged. “The usual.”

“Open it after.”

After.

The truth is, it hadn't been the usual Christmas.

The train was about to take off, Peter arched his eyebrow and looked at the door, "Remus?" He asked, right before someone appeared in front of them.

“Remus!” Peter smiled up at the boy who came into their carriage. Remus tried to smile back and went to sit in front of Sirius.

He closed his eyes and leaned on the window, breathing and breathing tiredly.

“Hi, guys.” He finally said, breathing again, his eyes still closed.

"Did you run?"

"Yeah. My mum and I took the train. Dad was too busy to accompany us, and mum doesn't like to drive that far. The train was late."

"How far is Bristol from here?" James arched an eyebrow, "I thought it was near London."

"It's two hours away."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah."

"He is a boy from the suburbs." Peter grinned. Remus opened his eyes.

Sirius just focused on his features.

“How was Christmas?” Peter then asked him. Remus didn't look up, his eyes locked on the foggy glass of the window.

“Good, I guess. Decent. Nothing much.”

Peter handed him a chocolate frog, which Remus seemed to appreciate. Then offered one to Sirius and James too.

Sirius looked at Remus for a bit.

And he didn't understand.

He didn't like the boy, he had made it clear enough. 

“You’re just jealous of him, silly.” Oh, bullshit.

Sirius just didn't like him. 

And, okay, why the hell he was everything Sirius wanted to be but never was?

The first time he had seen Remus outside the Hogwarts’s express, his hair messy and his gaze a little lost, Sirius had found him curious.

It turned out that he really was curious. He was peculiar, intriguing. 

Sirius wasn't stupid.

Like everyone else, he had noticed all that about Remus.

And he was, in fact, jealous of him. He had tried not to, but it was inevitable.

He wasn't sure if he was more jealous of Remus’ popularity, or if he was more jealous that others could see what Sirius had seen first, that day outside the train.

Somehow, he had convinced himself that if everyone could notice it, then Remus wasn't that special. That intriguing.

The fact that everything Remus did proved him wrong made him mad.

Remus talked to Peter most of the times, another thing that Sirius didn't understand, because Peter was boring. It was true. Sirius liked him, but he was boring. He was nothing like James. James was amazing. Sirius adored him.

Well, then maybe Remus was boring too.

And, of course, Sirius was proved wrong about that too.

He heard him talking about books with older students. Saw him greet everyone in the corridors, have people in their room.

Remus Lupin was a mystery and Sirius didn't understand him. He wasn't sure if anyone really understood him. That was probably why everyone liked him so much.

After hours in the train, they finally made it to Hogwarts. Sirius smiled at the sight of the castle. It was majestic. Really smelled like magic, and looked like magic too. Sirius loved it.

His house smelled like magic too, but it was different. Hogwarts’ magic was warm, comfortable. His house’s was strict.

He smiled brightly at James and walked to the big castle with him. James was nice. Sirius could talk with him all day long. Never got bored of him. He was his best friend. Reminded him of Regulus sometimes.

He couldn't wait to tell him about his parents' reactions at all the things he had told them. Couldn’t wait to tell him about…

Sirius told James he was looking forward to listening to the album that Andromeda had given him for Christmas. Hunky Dory.

James didn't know who David Bowie was, which was a real shame. Sirius found his name cool. He didn't know what to expect from his music, but he was excited.

Actually, Sirius found everything from the muggle world cool. James knew nothing about it, but Sirius didn't mind. He liked to tell him everything he knew about muggles. He liked to know something James didn't know, too.

“My cousin says he’s her favourite artist.” Changes started playing. “I won’t see her again next year.”

“Why?”

Still don't know what I was waitin' for

And my time was runnin' wild

Sirius imagined Andromeda singing it.

“She’s getting married.”

"Oh,” James smiled up at him. He was sitting at the Common Room's free desk, while Sirius was still standing in front of the record player, next to him. The Common Room was almost empty, but Sirius didn't put the music too loud anyway. “Congratulations.”

“No,” Sirius shook his head. “She’s not coming back. Like, ever. Mum erased her name from our family tree.”

“What?! Why?” James asked again.

Andromeda had told their family about her marriage during Christmas' dinner. She was getting married with a muggleborn.

Sirius understood what that ‘after’ meant when his aunt slapped her and told her to leave the house. She looked one last time at Sirius and kissed his head, telling him ‘Merry Christmas’ again.

It was the first time that Sirius cried in front of his family. His mother slapped him too after that.

The letter Andromeda had left him, with the record, was a pain in the chest for Sirius. It hurt him just to think about it.

"Dear Sirius,
this is my favourite muggle singer, David Bowie. Me and Ted, my fiancée, love listening to him, so I thought you could
give him a try.
I know what you want to say. You want to ask me if I’m sure about the choice I took, ask me “aren’t you too young?”
I probably am, but I’m very much in love too.
You should know about it by now. Bellatrix keeps saying I’m too young to know who I wanna marry, but she forgets that I'm two years younger than her, and she married last year.
They just hate that my lover is a muggleborn. Bellatrix and Narcissa. They both do. They're the only ones who know while I'm writing this, but everyone will soon know too. You as well, Sirius.
I don’t know when we’ll see each other again, and believe me, it breaks my heart to make a choice between my family and my lover, but remember this Sirius: choose love. Always.
Write me if you want. And listen to the record like I’m next to you.
I hope you’ll like David Bowie as much as Ted and I do.
Love you a lot,
your favourite cousin, Andromeda"

He handed it to James and watched the emotions in his face while he read it. At the end of the letter, James looked up and smiled softly. “She’s really brave.”

“You think so?”

“Yes. She put her love before her family, which, I’m sorry to say that, but would never allow her to be herself and love who her heart told her to love.”

“Yeah, but…” Sirius pouted. “She really loved him so much to leave her family? To leave me?”

“She’s not leaving you, idiot.” James rolled his eyes. “We’re just twelve years old, we can’t know about love yet, but don’t you see that what she did was really brave? Again, I’m sorry to say that, but your family is kind of strict about this type of things.”

“Yeah, they are…”

Eight Line Poem was now playing, Sirius hadn't even realised that another song had played after Changes.

“Do what she told you. Imagine her here with you while you listen to the songs, yeah?”

“I guess.” Sirius shrugged, he still didn't understand how had love made Andromeda leave her own family. How could love make someone do something so big? (Of course he couldn’t understand back then. Not yet. It is funny, though, how love later became the reason why he did a lot of things. How he lived, and died, just for love.)

“You wanna listen to it alone?” James got up and placed an hand on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius met his eyes and smiled.

“Not tonight.”

“Alright. Let’s go to bed, then.”

When the two went back to their room to sleep, Peter was already asleep, but Remus was awake, looking outside the window.

“Everything okay, mate?” James asked him.

Remus turned casually, like he already knew that the two boys were behind him, and nodded. “Just tired.” He said, and looked outside again, like he was looking for something in the dark blue sky in front of him.

James and Sirius shared a look, but said nothing.

“Right. Well, goodnight.” James said. Sirius kept quiet.

He was still there, seated in front of the window, when Sirius went to bed. And he was completely sure. Remus Lupin was a real mystery to him.

*****

“Sirius.”

A voice came to his ears. Sirius opened his eyes slowly, and found Remus in front of him, bent towards his face.

He had fallen asleep in the Common Room while listening to Hunky Dory. He woke up on the couch, in front of the fireplace. What time was it?

“Uhm?” He rubbed his eyes, trying to sit up. He looked around and found the room empty.

Remus was looking down at him, two books under his arm. “I came back from the library and found you sleeping there.” He said flatly. Sirius found it already weird that he had cared enough to wake him up and not let him sleep there.

“Oh. Thank you. What time is it?”

“One in the morning.”

“What?! And you just came back from the library? Isn’t there a curfew?” Sirius sat up straight and rubbed his eyes again.

Remus snorted. “Yes. But I’m good at not being caught.” He turned to the music record, “Is that really Hunky Dory?”

“Yes. You know David Bowie?”

“Of course I know David Bowie.” Remus smiled at the record. “Of course I do.”

“Right.” Sirius looked down at his hands, “because you live in the muggle world.”

Remus turned to him again and stopped smiling. He straightened his back and walked towards the stairs. “Good night, Black.”

Sirius followed his figure with his eyes. Of course Remus liked David Bowie. Of course.

Another thing to add to the list of cool things about him.

*****

Sirius sat next to James during all their classes.

Remus usually sat near Peter, sometimes next to Lily. During Charms he sat next to Mary. Transfiguration next to Marlene. He had collected all the girls. Sirius found it annoying for some reason he didn't know. 

But during Potions he sat next to Peter, across the room from Sirius and James, who sat behind Lily and a weird boy.

The boy who was with her was a Slytherin. Sirius didn't remember his name, James didn't either. His black hair was as long as Sirius’, but greasy, almost oily. Maybe Sirius liked to make fun of that specific trait with James. Maybe.

Nothing serious, they just made comments that they kept for themselves. Yes.

Well, usually they kept them for themselves. But when Slughorn made them make a potion that changed colour of things, James thought it would be hilarious to change the colour of the Slytherin boy’s hair.

“Oi,” James caught Sirius’ attention at some point of the lesson, “wanna try the potion?”

“Uhm, yes? When it’s finished?” Sirius said, arching his eyebrow.

“No. I mean, yes, when it’s finished, but…” He smirked, “not on this.” He looked at the piece of fabric that Slughorn had given them and then back at Sirius, still grinning.

Sirius was still confused. “And, where else?”

James looked at the couple in front of them. Sirius followed his gaze and looked at the Slytherin boy’ head. Something hit him.

“Oh Merlin, please yes.”

“Shhh.” James smiled. “Which colour?”

“Oh, let’s make him look like his friend there.” He looked at Lily and James grinned again.

And that’s what they did.

Somehow they included Remus and Peter on the realisation of the prank. It was a real group work. Peter and Remus needed to distract Professor Slughorn, of course. Sirius needed to distract Lily. And it was James who had to put the potion on the boy's head.

They somehow made it work.

The hardest part was distracting Lily, because what could Sirius say to her? Perhaps Remus could have distracted her more easily, but he just couldn't get up in the middle of the lesson and go there.

“Hey, sorry,” Sirius tried to catch her attention. “Can I take a look at your potion?”

She turned around confused, looking at Sirius like he had just asked her to see her naked. Almost disgusted, really. “Why?”

“Not sure if mine is done well, I- I know you're good… in Potions?” He hoped that she really was, because he had just made that up.

She kept looking at him flatly. "What would you know?"

"Uhm, Remus told me?"

"Why would Remus tell you that?"

"Because... he likes you?"

She didn't move a muscle. "He doesn't like me. Why are you even talking to me?"

"I asked you if I could take a look at your potion."

Sirius cast a glance in James' direction, hoping for some help. 

The small conversation with Lily had been enough for James to put the potion on the boy’s hair, which changed colour immediately. Sirius’ eyes widened, he wasn't expecting it to work that fast. Now the boy’s head was completely red, and Sirius had to contain himself, otherwise he would have laughed in Lily’s face.

“Alright, just take a look at it. Before tomorrow, maybe." Lily said, annoyed. She looked up, but Sirius was too busy watching James. 

“Mh?”

“Are you kidding me?” She rolled her eyes, sighed and turned back. And the moment after that was priceless.

“Sev! Oh my God, your hair!”

“What?” He asked confused.

Everyone turned to them, and a collective laughter filled the room. Sirius caught Remus’ eyes across the classroom, the boy was laughing, his eyes wide and an hand covering his mouth. Peter, beside him, was laughing too. Sirius grinned to himself.

“What happened here?” Professor Slughorn came running to them.

James and Sirius were laughing so much that they didn't even hear what the Professor was saying.

“It was you! You two!” Lily screamed at them, and everyone in the class turned to them, laughing even more. “Fucking morons. What the hell is wrong with you?”

"Miss Evans! Language!"

“What did you do to me?!” Severus, now Sirius remembered his name, screamed.

“Calm down.” Said Professor Slughorn said, putting himself between the three boys. “The potion was just used in the wrong place.” He said, looking at the two Gryffindor boys. “But it’s not irrecoverable. I don’t have a spell that can change your hair back to its initial colour in mind now, but I’m sure Madam Pomfrey will know one.”

“What? And I have to walk around the castle looking like this?” Severus cried, Sirius had to fight the urge to laugh again.

“It kinda suit you. You and your best friend here match now.” James said, Severus’ angry eyes snapped in his direction. Sirius swore he saw fire in them.

“You!” He stepped forward. Sirius’ jaw clenched.

“Oi, Sev, calm down.” James stepped back. Severus was growing angrier at any moment. Sirius was absolutely loving it.

“Don’t call me that!”

“Right, James,” Sirius said, “don't call him that. Do you prefer, mh,” he thought about something, then the perfect idea hit him. Yes, that was good. “Snivellus?”

James grinned at him, “I love it.”

“Don’t you dare-“

“Boys!” Professor Slughorn screamed. “Ten points each from Gryffindor. Now stop fighting, or they’ll become fifteen.”

Sirius and James smiled to themselves. James whispered: “Guess we deserve it.” And Sirius couldn't agree more.

“Now, go. The lesson’s over.”

“It was amazing!” Peter said as soon as they exited the classroom, clapping Sirius and James on the back. “How did you come out with that idea?”

“James thought about it.”

“It just came to my mind.” James laughed again, “I don’t know! I thought it may be funny.”

“Did you like it, Remus?” Sirius asked, turning to the boy near him.

Remus smiled, towards James, like Sirius wasn't even there. “I loved it.”

“We have to do it more often, pranks like that. It was amazing.” Peter was almost jumping with happiness. “We have to!”

“Yes, we have to.” Remus agreed, resting his arms on Peter and James’ shoulders. Sirius’ smile fell off his face.

“Pranks masters.” James laughed, “We’re going to do another one soon.”

And with that, the career of the Marauders’ epic pranks began.

*****

On Remus' birthday, the boy in question woke up and pretended it was just a normal day.

The three other boys knew, and shared looks between them, but said nothing.

Sirius noticed that during breakfast Remus quickly read the birthday letters his parents had sent him, then hid them.

James had found out about Remus’ birthday just because one day, during one of his detentions with Professor McGonagall, she told him: “I’ll make an exception and let you free this Friday night, since it’s mr. Lupin’s birthday.”

James’ eyes had widened. “It’s what?!”

“10th of March, if I’m not wrong. Hasn't he told you?”

“No!”

So, of course, as soon as his detention was over, James went to Sirius and Peter and told them about Remus’ birthday. After that, he told the whole Gryffindor dormitory.

And, of course, everyone wanted to celebrate. For Remus Lupin that and more. His birthday fell on a Friday night too, which was perfect for a party.

Sirius tried not to be annoyed about it. A few days earlier he had received another letter from Andromeda. It was short, but it said everything that was needed: “The wedding is on July. Don’t think your parents will let you come, but it’s fine. I’ll eat a piece of cake for you :)
P.s: treat yourself with kindness, Sirius. And the boy you said you hated at Christmas, treat him well too.”

James had asked Frank, the prefect of their house, if they could throw a small party for Remus. He had said yes.

Of course, the party didn't come out that small, since people from other houses wanted to come too.

Remus still suspected nothing about it.

They spent the day like every other day, James and Sirius watched the quidditch practice while Peter and Remus stayed in they room with the girls, which Sirius still found annoying. By dinnertime, Remus still suspected nothing.

The four boys went upstairs after two portions of apple pie. It actually took them a while to convince Remus to go to the common room with them and that he could look for his book in the library the next day. But they made it in the end.

They reached the common room and: “Happy birthday Remus!”

“Oh my God.” Remus covered his face with his hands, while everyone started singing Happy birthday.

Peter hugged him from behind, while Remus kept covering his face desperately. James touched his shoulder too. Sirius looked away.

“How did you know it was my birthday?!”

James smiled at him. “Remus, we know everything. Even if you don't tell us.”

“And you told everyone?!”

“Of course.” Peter smiled up at him.

Remus pretended to be embarrassed, but Sirius caught him trying to hide his smile.

The three girls hugged him too, and Remus’ cheeks became even more red. The bastard.

Lily sent an angry look in James and Sirius’ direction, she was still mad at them. They just smirked to each other.

Then other girls came, girls and girls. Some also kissed Remus' cheek. It was a show. He hugged them back, returned their kisses. He was a star.

He really was a star.

“You’re just jealous of him, silly.”

“You two have many friends, yeah?” James said to Remus and Peter at some point. He included Peter too, since he was always with Remus, and they were his friends too. Remus and Peter shared a look and shrugged.

Sirius couldn’t stay silent. “You two have many girl friends, yeah?” He asked, begging to feel a little irritated about it.

“It’s Remus. Every time we are in the library he always helps everyone. Then people remember him and greet him in the hallways if they see him. I’m always with him so they greet me too. But it's him they love.” Peter explained, Remus covered his face again.

“It’s not true, Peter. They like you too. And I’m not sure I can call them my friends. We just say hi to each other in the hallways. Talk sometimes. It’s not a big deal.”

“Yes, it is!” James almost screamed, “Some of the people who went to hug you aren’t even first years. You’re a celebrity, Remus!”

“How lucky…” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Have you seen how many girls have hugged him?” Of course I have. James asked again, and Remus slapped the back of his neck. “Ow! What? It’s true.”

“We’re just twelve, stop thinking about girls.” Remus said. Oh please, like he didn't love all that attentions from the other sex.

“You have to start at a young age, Remus.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Oh, please…”

“You like it, though, don’t you?” Sirius asked him. No, he definitely couldn’t stay silent that night. “All the attentions. That’s why you always talk with everyone.”

“I don’t talk with everyone.” Remus replied, his jaw tight. “I just like sharing my opinions with people who have interesting things to say. Unlike you.”

“Pfff.” Sirius sighed, “You just love the attention.”

“I’m not the one who walk around bragging about his name just to receive the slightest bit of recognition from others.”

Sirius seriously hated him. He always said the right things. Was always right. It was obvious why people liked him so much, Sirius couldn't stand it.

“Happy birthday, Lupin.” He just said, before leaving the room. He went upstairs and slammed the door behind his back. It was the right time to send Andromeda a reply to her letter.

He just wrote: “can’t. both the things you said. can't come to your wedding, mum won't let me, and can’t treat Remus with kindness. he’s too annoying”

*****

They celebrated James’ birthday in the same way. Well, his birthday fell on a Monday, so they didn't celebrate until midnight like on Remus’ birthday, but they still put some music on and eat pastries they had managed to steal from the kitchens, since there was one thing in their favour: James’ invisibility cloak.

James’ dad had given him this cloak for Christmas. This cloak that could turn the person under it invisible.

The first time James had told Sirius about it, they actually screamed. Then they showed it to Remus and Peter, who screamed too.

They usually used it just to steal food, until the night of James’ birthday.

“We said to do another prank, remember? After we changed colour at Snivellus’ hair.” Said Sirius at some point, they had just gone upstairs, back in their room. They were in their pajamas, teeth washed and ready to go to bed. Sirius wasn't that tired, really.

James turned to him. “Do you have something in mind?”

“Nope. But, what if we, like, extend the prank?” It wasn't a question, but Sirius still asked it.

Peter arched his eyebrow, looking at Remus confused. “What does that even mean?”

“Like, not just to Snivellus, but a prank to the Slytherins. All of them.” Sirius finished his phrase. His friends shared looks.

James laughed, “But why?”

“Why not? Doing pranks is fun.”

“But what can we do? And to the entire house? It’s pretty impossible.” Peter complained, we was laying down and looking up at the ceiling. Remus’ eyes were locked on him when Sirius tried to catch his gaze. He kept watching him for a minute, waiting. Nope. The boy was still focused on Peter.

Whatever.

“We have a cloak that can make us invisible, c’mon, we have to think of something.”

“We can’t go into their Common Room anyway. With or without the cloak, we still don’t know their password.” James said, he was in the same position as Peter was.

“No, but…” Sirius sighed, “I don’t know. You guys are so boring.”

“We aren’t even that good with doing spells yet.” Peter complained again, Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Remus is.”

“Shut up,” was Remus’ response. His eyes were still set on Peter, but he didn't really seem to know what was looking at. He just seemed concentrated.

“Always so damn mean.” Sirius rolled his eyes, but Remus shushed again.

“I’m thinking.”

“About what?”

“How to make the prank I have in mind work.”

A small smile tried not to appear on Sirius’ face.

It appeared on Peter’s lips, though, and he clapped his hands together. “Yes! I knew that you would find something.”

“Shut up, I said. Let me think.” Remus looked up—finally—from Peter’s figure and met Sirius’ eyes. Sirius was smiling, but tried to drop the smile as soon as Remus’ gaze landed on him.

Remus’ face was serious, but a small smile was starting to form on his mouth. “I’ll think about it, then I’ll let you know.”

“What!” Peter’s smile dropped too. “No! Tell us now.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Remus!”

“Go to sleep, Pete.” But Remus smiled in his direction anyway.

Peter turned to James. “James! Tell him something!”

James just smiled at Remus. “If you come out with something iconic, I’ll do your homework for a week.”

Remus laughed, “Not that advantageous for me. And no, it’s kind of your birthday present. I’ll think of something good, or at least I’ll try.”

“Good.”

“Uff.” Sirius let himself fall backwards, sighing loudly. “Everyone likes him so much because he’s mysterious?”

He could feel Remus roll his eyes even without looking up at him. “Shut up, Black.”

“I think so.” Peter said, and Remus throw a pillow in his direction. James laughed. Sirius tried to act indifferent, but was excited at the thought of a new prank.

*****

“Last exam and we’re done.” Sirius said, he was drawing on his notebook, James next to him.

“At least Transfiguration was easy, I was a bit worried about it.” James added, his eyes still on the Quidditch magazine he was reading.

“What time is it?” Sirius asked.

James still didn't look up, “Eleven, I think.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

“Peter’s sleeping?”

“I think so.”

“Remus?”

“Library, I think.”

“Of course.”

The common room was half empty. End of school was less than one month away, and students were full of exams. Everyone was studying, expect Sirius and James. Of course.

Remus came back from the library at some point. He was with Marlene, a book under his arm.

“Hi.” He flopped down on the couch beside James. He and Sirius turned to him. “Bye Marlene, good night.”

“Bye Marlene,” James said, “and hi Remus.”

Sirius said nothing.

“Good night, boys.” She disappeared up the girls' dormitory stairs, Remus followed her with his eyes before turning to the two boys.

Sirius kept drawing, and said, without looking up. “New girlfriend, Lupin? I thought it was Evans.”

“Get lost, Black.”

“So,” James ignored them, “were you in the library?”

“Yeah, finished studying the last things for tomorrow exam. I can’t wait for it all to be over.”

James nodded, “I’m tired too.”

Remus pulled out a book and started reading it. He just added himself in their silence company, while each one of them minded their own business. Sirius tried to catch the title of Remus' book. To Kill a Mockingbird, he read, then went back to his drawing.

“You still thinking about the prank?” Sirius asked Remus at some point, James looked up curiously.

Remus didn’t look up from his book, “Of course.”

“Oh, c’mon. Tell us what it is.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Tell you? Maybe I could tell James, but it’s his birthday surprise. No chance I would tell you.” He was sitting at the other end of the couch from Sirius, who tried to kick his leg with his feet anyway. Remus looked up again. “Really? What’s your problem?”

"You."

“Stop it, you two.” James sighed, “I don’t know why you like hating on each other, but I find it really annoying, honestly.”

“I don’t hate anyone.” Remus said, while Sirius said: “I do find Remus really annoying.” At the same time.

“Thanks.” Remus said and rolled his eyes again, stretching his back. He crossed his legs, closed his book and turned to them.

James smiled. “We’re going to keep in touch, during the summer, right? Like, with letters. I don’t know.”

“Yes, of course.” Sirius put his drawing aside and Remus nodded too.

“Yeah.”

James nodded. “Good.”

“Are you looking forward to it?” Remus asked awkwardly, looking down at his hands. “Going home, I mean.”

“I do. I have to be honest, I miss my mum. And her sweets too.” James said smiling. He was always happy when he talked about his family.

Sirius sighed, he didn't know if he wanted to mention his family in front of Remus, so he just said: “Not really.”

“You, Remus?” James asked, understanding that Sirius didn't want to talk about the subject.

“Mh.” Remus just 'said'. He avoided their gazes.

Sirius didn't know why he said it, it just came out of his lips. “It’s just you and me, Lupin, who don't want to go?”

Remus looked at him for a second, Sirius could feel his gaze on his, but didn't meet his eyes. “Suppose so.”

“Yay.” Sirius said.

“I’m sorry it’s like this for you two.” James said, really looking sorry about it. Sirius smiled up at him.

“Well, I’m happy to see my brother. But nothing else.”

"Regulus, right?" James asked.

Sirius nodded. “Yes, Reggie. Regulus. I always call him Reggie,” Sirius rubbed the back of his neck, smiling. “He hates it.”

“So, of course you call him that.” Remus shook his head, turning to the fireplace, but Sirius saw the trace of a small smile on his lips.

“He’s going to attend Hogwarts too, next year, right?” James asked him.

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, I’m… I don't know, it’s like I don’t want him to.”

“Why?”

Sirius shrugged, “Because… he’s going to be a Slytherin. I should have been too, but I’m here. My mother already hates me for it, and I know that, if he’s going to be a Slytherin, he’ll start avoiding me too. Mum will tell him to. My cousin Cissy’s already avoiding me. Especially after Christmas.”

“You can’t know that. I don’t think you two will stop talking just because you’re in different houses. Or… maybe he’s going to be a Gryffindor too. Who knows?” James tried to smile at him.

“I know. He already is a Slytherin. Which is fine. I just- I just don’t wanna lose him.”

“You won’t.” James said, still looking at him with a soft smile. Sirius turned to Remus, who was looking at the fire. He had almost forgotten that he was here. He hadn't even realised that he had said all this in front of him. 

James kept going. “You’re close, right? This isn't going to change. Not just because you’re in different houses.”

Sirius said nothing else, he knew that James couldn't understand. Couldn’t understand his family's thoughts. And lucky for him, Sirius thought to himself.

He wondered if Remus could understand. Even if he hated Sirius.

“I don’t hate anyone.”

“Can I write to you when something… bad happens? During the summer, I mean.” 

“Yes, of course you can.” James replied immediately.

Remus said nothing, but looked up from the fire, his eyes probably burning. Of course, Sirius didn't expect him to say anything.

“You can come to my house too. My mum would love to meet you. We can play quidditch in my backyard, yeah?”

Sirius smiled. He hugged him without thinking. He met Remus’ eyes, then detached himself from James.

"Thank you."

Remus looked down at his hands again, letting them be. It felt strange. Everything. The fact that Remus was there, that he had listened to everything Sirius had just said.

James turned to the boy in question. “What about you, Remus? Why don't you wanna go home? If I can ask.”

Remus shrugged, he ran a hand through his brown curls. “It’s not like... My parents, they’re good, really, it’s more like…” He stopped again, sighing.

“You don’t have to tell us.”

“No, it’s just… I don’t know. Difficult. Because my mum tries, I know she does, but… And my dad, I don’t know. They don’t really talk to me. I just, feel lonely. I guess. It’s stupid.”

“It’s not.” James turned to Remus, “You have every right to feel lonely, really. But you have us now,” he smiled, “we’ll write you. You can come to my house too. You might feel lonely, but you’re not alone. Even if you feel like you are.”

James Potter was an angel.

Sirius closed his eyes and pressed his cheek on James’ shoulder. Not sure if he should add something. James had already said everything. He was amazing.

“Thank you.” Remus just said.

“Love you, guys.”

Sirius was feeling very happy, but he didn’t say that to James and Remus.

“Right. It’s almost midnight, Pete’s probably been sleeping for two hours already. And we have an exam tomorrow. Let’s go to bed.” James said. It was a statement, and Sirius and Remus agreed with it. So they got up and headed for the stairs together.

“Oh, I forgot my magazine.” James said and ran down the stairs, leaving Sirius and Remus in front of their bedroom’s door.

Sirius looked at him for a second then went to open the door, but first Remus said: “I was thinking about switching every Slytherin uniform’s colours from green and silver to red and gold, Gryffindor’s colours.”

“What?” Sirius asked, his eyebrow arched.

“The prank.”

Sirius stared at him. Angry. "What, you're telling me because you feel pity for me? After what you heard downstairs?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Forget about it."

Sirius watched him opening the door and stepping inside. Heading to bathroom and disappearing.

“Genius.” Sirius actually thought, but didn't say it.

*****

“Can we extend the prank to everyone? Like, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws too.”

Remus stopped, making Sirius also stop beside him. 

Here they were. 

Sirius and Remus, together. Crazy, right?

“I don’t even know if I'll be able to make it work on Slytherins, and you're asking me to extend it to the others too?! Maybe my spell won’t work and nothing will happen, you realise that?”

Sirius ignored him. “But if it does work, then you can extend it to the others as well, can’t you?”

So, somehow they had ended up in the Great Hall together, preparing everything for the prank. James had convinced them to. Forced them to, otherwise they wouldn't have agreed. Sirius had rolled his eyes, Remus had sighed so loudly that Sirius had wanted to punch him.

“Don’t start again.”

“Alright, alright. Just do your thing, then we’ll see if we can extend the prank or not.”

"We? Me, you mean."

Sirius couldn't see him, but was sure that Remus was rolling his eyes.

They went back to work. The two of them were under James’ invisibility cloak, casting a spell on the Slytherin table. Remus had said that it could help later that night, when he was going to cast the real spell that would change colour at the students’ uniforms.

Peter and James were outside the door, placing some fireworks. The prank was going to take place that night, their last night at Hogwarts. Maybe forever, if they were going to get expelled.

“Just cast the spell on the other two tables too. Just in case.” Sirius tried again.

Remus stopped again. “Okay! I’ll do it, after I’m done here. Now let me do my work. Shut up.”

It took them longer than expected, because Remus had to cast the spell on two other tables, but they managed to do it pretty quickly. When they got out, James and Peter were waiting for them.

“Finally! We thought that Dumbledore had caught you and was making you clean the floors or something. Or that you two had killed each other.” James said, as soon as he saw them appear from under the cloak.

“I was about to kill him.” Remus handed him back the cloak.

Sirius pretended to be offended, but his expression changed into a big smile a moment later. “Remus did the thing. And it’s going to be amazing. He actually followed one of my ideas, can you believe that?”

“No.” Peter and James said at the same time, turning to Remus.

“Yeah, I guess I did. I just hope it’ll work. If not, we’ll still have the fireworks, right?”

“Yep.” Said James proudly, “We’ve placed them where you told us to.”

“Great. Now, I have to pack the last things, what do you have to do?”

“Pack.” Peter said, James nodded along.

“Me too.”

“Yeah, same.” Sirius added, sighing. “I don’t have the force to do it.”

James grinned, “Didn’t have any doubts about that.”

“Oi!” Sirius started to chase him, “What do you mean by that?”

James ran from him, Sirius followed behind.

They reached the Gryffindor tower running. James was too fast. Peter and Remus weren't behind them, they were probably walking, Sirius wished he had done the same when he found himself trying to catch his breath. James smirking down at him.

“You won’t make it into the Quidditch team next year if you’re dead after a little run.”

“A little run? That was probably a mile.”

James laughed loudly. “Oh c’mon. A mile!” He kept laughing and Sirius flipped him off.

“Shut up.”

“Love you.”

Sirius smiled, “Love you too.”

*****

The last dinner at Hogwarts was amazing. The food was even better than usual and the atmosphere was incredible. Everyone was friend with everyone. Even the Slytherins were happy.

Well, maybe not for long.

Dumbledore got up at some point and clapped his hands together. “May I have your attention, please.” Everyone went quiet. “Thanks.”

James, Peter, Sirius and Remus stopped talking and looked up at the headmaster.

The show was about to begin.

“Like every year, we have to celebrate two things. The winners of the Quidditch cup, and the winners of the Hogwarts house cup.”

“We didn't win, did we?” Peter asked quietly, Remus shook his head.

“Don’t think so.”

“Of course not.” James added.

Dumbledore was still talking. “So, congratulations on Slytherin for the victory of the Quidditch cup.” The four didn't clap. James rolled his eyes dramatically. “And the winners of the Hogwarts house cup 1972 is… Ravenclaw! Congratulations!”

Everyone cheered, and Sirius looked at Remus with big eyes. “Remus. Now. Cast your spell.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Remus!”

“Yes, Remus.” Peter said too, and Remus nodded.

Sirius clapped his hands on his legs, “Get ready lads, it’s going to be amazing.”

Remus concentrated and whispered something under his breath, his eyes closed. Nothing happened for a second, Sirius looked around with hope, but couldn't understand if something had changed. Everyone was still celebrating and he couldn't see anything.

Nothing.

Remus started to look around too.

“Oh.” Dumbledore just said, and then bang. They started to notice.

“Yes!”

Remus smirked, and Sirius was smiling like a maniac.

“What the hell?”

People started to get up and look around. Yep. That was it. Everyone was wearing Gryffindor’s colours now.

“Oh Merlin.” James said, his eyes shining. “That’s amazing.”

Peter was looking around with his mouth wide open. Everyone at the Gryffindor table started to smile.

“Professor, are you sure that it was Ravenclaw that won the house cup?” Someone from their table got up and asked, “There aren't even Ravenclaws here! It’s just Gryffindors!”

Everyone at the Gryffindor table laughed. Even Hufflepuffs seemed to enjoy the show, Ravenclaws and Slytherins not really.

“Ew! I don’t want this uniform!” People from the Slytherin table were saying. Sirius had never laughed that much.

“Remus! The fireworks!” James said and caught Sirius’ attention again.

“Yes! The fireworks, now!”

“Yes, yes.” Peter joined them, and Remus smiled bigly.

“With pleasure, my friends.”

Sirius hated to admit it, but Remus Lupin was, in fact, as cool as people described him.

*****

And summer.

Summer reminds them of a lot of things. Days spent under the sun together or the warm water of the sea touching their feet.

They used to run all together, happy and free. Living like time slowed down just because it was summer. They used to think it actually slowed down just for them, so they could stay happy a little longer.

Now, time doesn't slow down just during summer. It does all year. Especially in the cold winters.

03/07/1972

Dear James,
I’ve been home for three days and I’m already tired of my mum. And my dad too.
Sorry. I know we last saw each other two days ago. I already miss you.
Write soon!
Sirius Black

*****

04/07/1972

Dear Sirius,
I’m sure you can resist. If you want you can come to my house, mum says she can’t wait to have you here. I’ve spent the last days with my family, but today I’m going out with Peter. Write me if you need something.
Love,
James Potter

*****

10/07/1972

Dear Remus,
I miss you so much.
It’s good having Marlene and James here, but I wish I could have you around too. I hope you’re not already doing our homework, have a break!
I hope you’re doing well,
missing your books considerations and all the other things you say that I don’t understand.
Peter Pettigrew

*****

15/07/1972

Dear Remus,
how are you? Me, Peter and Marlene are basically spending the summer playing quidditch in my backyard. It’s good to be home. I can’t wait to start second year tho, me and Sirius want to try joining the quidditch team. I hope we’ll make it. Marlene wants to try too. Peter doesn’t. What about you? You think you’ll try to join the team as well?
Oh, like I already told you at school, mum says you can come visit us if you want. All of you! Let me know if you want, I told Sirius about it too.
I miss you. I can’t wait to do other pranks next year!
Let me know if you can come to our house,
James Potter

*****

17/07/1972

Hi James,
it’s Sirius. It’s night while I’m writing this. Mum got really angry today. She talked to Reggie after dinner, I asked him what she had said, but he doesn’t want to tell me. I think she knows about the prank we did the last day of school. Cissy probably told her about it, and I think she read my mind and found out I was the one who did it. She’s angry about it, I think. Maybe she’s angry I’m writing this letter too. I don’t know when I’ll write to you again. Sorry. I’ll talk to dad about coming to your place, I hope he’ll say yes. I don’t know. Miss you a lot.
Hope to see you soon,
Sirius Black

*****

18/07/1972

Dear James,
dad said I can come!
What about the first days of August? Tell me if it’s fine.
Sirius Black

*****

18/07/1972

Sirius,
it’s perfect! Can’t wait to see you. Peter is leaving for Ireland tomorrow, but he said to say hi to you for him when you come. I told Remus about it too, don’t know if he’s coming tho. He’s not answering me.
See you soon!
James Potter

*****

18/07/1972

Dear Remus,
Sirius is coming here the first days of August! I hope you can come too.
Hope to see you soon,
James Potter

*****

22/07/1972

Dear Peter,
sorry if I reply just now. Our letters arrive in my dad’s office and he’s never home, so he gave them to me only yesterday. I’m fine. And don’t worry, I haven’t done any homework yet, I was so tired the last few days that I basically just slept.
I don’t have much to say for now, my days are a bit monotonous.
Wish you well,
Remus J. Lupin

*****

22/07/1972

Dear James,
I’m so sorry but I can’t come to visit you, my dad doesn’t let me. I’m really sorry. I hope you and Sirius will have fun. Say hi to Marlene for me if you see her. Also, I don’t think I’ll join the quidditch team, I don’t like flying. I’ll stay in the bleach with Pete, cheering for you. Maybe with a book near me, just in case. I wish I could come to your house, I have nothing to do here.
See you in September,
Remus J. Lupin

*****

23/07/1972

Dear Remus,
I’m sorry you can’t come, I really wanted to see you.
See you in September, I guess, in the meantime write me!
James Potter

*****

27/07/1972

Hi Remus!
I’m happy to hear you’re doing good. James was forcing me to play quidditch with him and Marlene every day. I hate quidditch. I wish you were here. Now I’m on vacation with my family, Ireland. It’s good here. I’m staying there for a month, so I’ll see you at school. Miss you so muchhh. I have a lot of things to tell you when we see again. Why are your days monotonous? I don’t believe you.
Please write to me, I miss youuu.
Can’t wait to see you again,
Peter Pettigrew

*****

02/08/1972

Dear Peter,
I hope James’ quidditch sessions weren’t that bad, I don’t like quidditch either. I hope you’ll have fun in Ireland, I’ve never been here, I hope it’s nice. Miss you too.
I’m always alone here, because now dad has a job at the Ministry of Magic and mum is a waitress, so they’re always at work. I’m listening to a lot of music, my mum has a lot of records here. I want to write you more often but I don’t have anything to say. I wish I had friends here.
I won’t have anything to tell you when we get back, but I'll be ready to hear everything from you. I can’t wait to go back to school and see you and the others, here it’s so boring. I’m spending my summer sleeping.
Write me soon,
Remus J. Lupin

*****

10/08/1972

Dear Remus,
I hope you’re doing well. Sirius stayed here three days, it was amazing, I wish you were here with us. We played quidditch and went to see a lake with mum, it was nice. Less than a month and we’ll all be back together. I can’t wait.
Best,
James Potter

*****

11/08/1972

Dear Remus,
I wanted to write earlier but I was always busy. I stayed in Blackpool with my family in July, and I loved it! I came home yesterday and thought about writing you. I hope you are good.
Kind of miss you, really.
Lily J. Evans

*****

12/08/1972

Lily!
It’s nice hearing from you, I kind of miss you too. I’m glad you had fun in Blackpool, I’ve never been there. Don’t even know where that is.
See you in less than a month,
Remus J. Lupin

*****

15/08/1972

Dear Remus,
seventeen days and we’ll see each other again, finally. I’m having fun with my family here, but I miss you and the others. I miss you more than anything. Yesterday I went to a castle with my sister, it was just the two of us, mum and dad didn’t come. It was beautiful. I told her about the prank you did the last day of school, she laughed so hard. She says you’re a genius. I hope you’re not too bored at home.
See you in two weeks,
Peter Pettigrew

*****

16/08/1972

Dear Remus,
hi! I hope you are good. Oh God, I miss you so much. Sorry I didn’t write to you earlier, it’s impossible to send a owl from here, too many muggles. How are you? Can’t wait to see you at school.
I’ve spent the holidays with my grandparents and my muggle friends, I had so much fun. I hope you did too. Since you also live in the muggle world, did you listen the new Bowie’s album? The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars. I love it so much! I hope you listened to it too, if not, you have to.
See you soon!
Mary R. Macdonald

*****

20/08/1972

Dear Mary,
of course I’ve listened to The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust. It’s pretty much what I did all summer. It’s amazing! Every song on it is beautiful. My favourites are Moonage Daydream and Lady Stardust, I want to know which ones are yours. You’ll tell me at school, since we’ll see each other so soon.
I’m fine, had a boring summer and can’t wait to see you and the others at school.
I’ll see you there,
Remus J. Lupin

*****

25/08/1972

Dear James,
you don’t have to reply, since we’re going to see each other in a week. Today Reggie and I went to this park near our house and I taught him some spells, just what they do, since we can’t use magic. It was fun. Mum was angry when we got back because she said it was too late, but we survived. Tonight we wanted to watch the stars, but it’s a full moon, so there are going to be less. Did you know that when the moon is full there are less stars? And when the moon is thin the sky is full of stars. Reggie told me that, I don’t know if it’s true though. He loves watching the stars, some nights we watch them from my room. It’s nice. I’m going to miss these moments.
My cousin sent me the new album of Bowie, but I haven’t listened to it yet.
I can’t wait to see you on the train.
See you soon,
Sirius Black

During the summer of 1972, Sirius and Remus shared no letters.

Chapter Text

SIRIUS

I still think about him sometimes. When I look out of the window and the sky is empty, I see the outline of our two figures just looking at each other.

My eyes up, I silently ask myself, or him, why, why, why.

Never comes an answer.

I just add him to the list of people I have disappointed.

Water Lilies; Monet (1919)

*****

Now, as much as I want to, I cannot write down everything that happened in the first school years of the four, who will name themselves 'Marauders' real soon.

Sirius and Remus’ memories of their second and third year at school are quite different. Let me explain.

Their memories are different because Remus remembers moments. Events. Specific days or nights where something important happened.

Sirius’ memories are pretty much dedicated to one person.

Regulus, like Sirius had already predicted, was sorted into Slytherin. Their parents sent him letters and presents. They hadn't done so with Sirius the year before, but that was fine. At least, Sirius tried to convince himself that it was.

He listened to The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars as soon as he arrived at Hogwarts in September. Sirius’ first love was probably that album. He had heard Remus talking about it with his muggle friends, but never took part of the conversation. Even if he listened to it every night.

He drew him sometimes. David Bowie. Sometimes he drew the sky. Or his friends. James and Peter, most of the times. Sometimes he added Remus too, but never showed anyone when he did. (Funny how, years later, he would start dedicating almost all his paintings to him. To Remus.)

One time he did this drawing. It was him, Remus, Peter and James. Their backs, actually, at a David Bowie concert. He spent four nights on that drawing.

When he finished it, he didn't show it to his friends. He showed it to Regulus.

They did this thing. There was always one night a week that he didn't spend in the common room listening to The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars. He went to the astronomy tower. And there he found Regulus looking up at the stars.

The first two months, when they met in the Great Hall during meals, or in the hallways between classes, Regulus greeted him. They would smile at each other, stop to talk outside the classrooms. Then things got weird. 

One night, some time after Sirius’ birthday, Regulus sent him a letter. Literally sent him a letter.

“What the hell?” Sirius asked that night, he was with the others in the Common Room, like usual. James and Peter stopped playing chess and Remus looked up from his book, The Catcher in the Rye. It was Remus’ favourite so far.

“What?” James asked, Sirius kept looking down at the letter in his hands.

“A letter. From Regulus.”

James arched an eyebrow. “But he studies here.”

“I know. That’s why I said: ‘what the hell’.”

In the letter, Regulus asked him to meet in the astronomy tower the next evening. Sirius was confused. But went anyway.

Regulus was alone, looking up at the stars. Sirius was furious.

“Seriously? Are you ashamed of me or something, now?” He almost screamed.

Regulus shushed him and kept looking up. Sirius rolled his eyes and went to stand next to him.

“Why are we doing this, Regulus?” He asked after a while. The sky was full of stars. The air full of unspoken words.

“You know why.”

They remained silent after that. Sirius sighed. Just one thing could make Regulus do something like that. Their mother. Of course.

“Mum’s angry?”

“Mh-mh.” Regulus nodded, “Of course she is. Narcissa told her something, I think.”

Sirius covered his face with his hands. He hated his family when things like this happened. “And mum’s angry at you because you keep talking to me?”

Regulus sighed too. “Yes. You know she hates when you do... these things. Embarrass the family and all that, that's what she says. She wants me to not follow your example, to stand with Cissy, all that. You know...”

For Sirius’ birthday, the four Gryffindor best friends had decided to do a prank. Something for Sirius' birthday. Remus, the only one able to do something like that, had casted a spell that made appear a record player every time someone said Sirius’ name. Or said ‘Black’. The player played parts of David Bowie’s songs. Which, in Sirius' opinion, was amazing, since listening to his music was a pleasure.

Of course, since there was two other Blacks at school, the songs didn't start playing just in Sirius’ classes. They started playing in Narcissa and Regulus’ classes as well.

Narcissa hadn't found it as ‘amazing’ as Sirius had. She went to the Gryffindor table, at lunch, and yelled at him. James was laughing like a madman, and she got even more angry.

Sirius knew what would come next.

“Listen,” Regulus finally turned to him, his eyes left the bright stars above his head. “I don't think it was bad. I liked the songs. Mum's angry because she thinks you made fun of the entire Black family, since you included me and Narcissa too. And because it was muggle music, of course.”

“It was a good prank, you have to admit it. My fr… roommate Remus worked on it for my birthday. It wasn't about you, or our family. It was about me.”

“I know. I told you, I liked it. But mum didn’t, and now she’s angry. She told Narcissa that she doesn't want me to talk to you anymore, saying you’re always embarrassing our family. I ignored her, of course, at first. But then…” Regulus frowned.

Sirius realised that he didn't want to hear the rest of the story.

“Has she done something to you?”

Regulus looked away, awkwardly. “She sent me a pin.” He was still uncomfortable, Sirius could tell, so he reached out and placed a hand on his little brother’s shoulder.

“The pin is stuck to my uniform now. I can’t remove it. And if I talk to you, the pin…” he stopped himself again, Sirius squeezed his shoulder. “I think she put some curse on it. Because, when I get close to you, the pin…”

“Please, do not continue the sentence.” Sirius’ grip on Regulus’ shoulder stiffened. It felt like something had hit him in the chest, he had to look away. “She can’t do that. She can’t.”

“She can. You know that she can.” Regulus said, a little sad. Sirius’ heart broke. His mother was hurting his brother, just because she didn't want him to talk to Sirius.

This broke his heart for multiple reasons.

“That’s why I told you to meet here. I can talk to you if I’m wearing my pyjama, I guess.” Regulus said, smiling. Sirius looked down and realised what his brother was wearing, he smiled too.

They smiled at each other for a minute. It was nice. Sirius felt good, warm. Then his smile dropped, and he covered his forehead with his hand. “I’m so sorry, Reg. So sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I wanted to do that stupid prank. It all started there.”

“I told you,” Regulus said again, “I found it cool. But you know how mum is…”

“Yes.” Sirius just said. He was starting to feel angry. “I’ll write to her, and say it’s my fault. She can punish me, I don’t care. This is not fair.”

“Please, don’t. Can we just do that? I mean, meet here and just spend some time together. Until she changes her mind. I still want to talk to you, Sirius. I don't care what mum thinks of you, you know that.”

“I want to spend time with you too, but this is not fair. I’ll write to her.”

“No.” Regulus said firmly. “She’ll get even more mad. She'll know that I told you about all this. I don’t want that. Please, listen to me. Don’t say anything.”

Sirius found it unfair. He was mad, but he felt warm again. He loved his brother very much. “Okay. I won’t. Just because you asked me to. I’d love to meet you here, if that’s our only option. We can't change family, I guess."

"No, I guess we can't. But it's gonna be fine if you're next to me."

"I'll never leave your side, then."

After a moment of silence, Sirius wanted to add, for everything: "And again, I’m sorry, Reg.”

“I’m sorry too.”

They hugged each other. Sirius didn't know how long the hug lasted, but it was long enough to remain imprinted on his skin for a while. (Years later and years later, when that embrace seemed like a distant memory that Sirius had probably just invented, he wished it had lasted longer.)

*****

Sirius told only James about his secret meetings with Regulus.

And, like they had said the year before, the two of them tried to get into the Quidditch team. They both made it. Marlene did too. It was amazing.

James was a constancy in Sirius' life. Peter was nice, yes, but Sirius wasn't that close to him. Remus, well, he was another story. They never really talked, and when they did, it wasn't nice. Still bickered most of the times. Still found each other annoying. Still rolled their eyes when the other said something.

James was Sirius' best friend. They were inseparable. Never saw one without the other.

And, James, for his birthday, had gave him a special mirror. A two-way mirror. "So we can talk to each other even when we're in separate detentions."

He told Regulus about it, one of their night meetings in the astronomy tower. It was one of the times Remus was home to visit his mum, which still happened once a month. He didn't like to talk about it, and even if he did, he surely wouldn't tell Sirius.

"James seems amazing. You always talk about him. What about your other roommates?"

"Peter Pettigrew's alright, but we don't have that much in common, so we're not really close. And Remus Lupin’s the perfect example of someone mum would hate. He likes reading. Always has a book with him. He reads muggle books, and listen to muggle music too. He likes David Bowie.”

“Lupin, you said? He’s not a pureblood, isn't he?” Regulus asked, no judgment in his voice.

“No, his mum’s a muggle. He lives in the muggle world, Bristol. I don’t know where it is, actually. And he’s the mind of our pranks. I told you, mum would hate him.”

“But why do you hate him? You said he likes David Bowie, and think of all your pranks. He seems cool.” Regulus said, studying Sirius’ features. “You hate him because mum would?”

“No! Of course not. And… I-” Sirius narrowed his eyes, “I don’t really hate hate him.”

“But you don’t like him either.”

Sirius sighed, “No… I don’t.”

“…Why?”

Well, that was a difficult answer.

Sirius had to take some time before answer.

“Because everyone else likes him.”

Regulus stayed silent. Sirius too. Now that he had said it out loud, he felt kind of embarrassed. He didn't want to meet Regulus’ eyes. He didn't want anyone to look at him.

“Alright.” Regulus just said, going on like Sirius’ answer had satisfied him. “And you said his mum is sick?”

“Yeah. He’s visiting her right now. I don’t know what she has, he keeps these things private. Doesn’t talk to me anyway, so I don’t know.”

Regulus nodded, they turned to look at the sky. No stars. Full moon. They looked at it, because there wasn't anything else to look at.

“Tell me more about James, then.”

Sirius smiled widely, “I can tell him everything, he’s always there for me if I need him. Now we are in the Quidditch team together, he loves Quidditch. Always talk about it.” Sirius smiled to himself, Regulus smiled too.

“What position he’s in?”

“He’s a chaser.” Sirius was a beater. Marlene the seeker. “He’s really good. We’ve played just a game for now, the one two days ago, but I think he’s really good.”

“Oh yes, I’ve seen him. With the round glasses. The game against Hufflepuff. I was there.”

“You came?”

“Yes, I came to see you.”

Always the feeling of warm in Sirius’ chest.

He tried to hide his smile, “What did you think? Was I good?”

Regulus didn't try to hide his smile, “You were good.”

Silence again. Smiles on both of their faces.

They had their pyjamas on. Sirius was wearing his too, but he had casted a spell around them to keep them warm. It was the end of November and the air was cold, Sirius could feel it around them, but not reaching their bodies.

“Peter's closer to Remus.” Sirius added after a while, “They understand each other, I think. It’s the same for me and James. We like Quidditch, they don't. Remus says it’s like muggle soccer. I don’t know what that is.”

Regulus laughed softly. It was almost midnight, soon time to go to bed. “They seem nice.”

“Yes.”

“I’m glad you’ve friends.”

“Do you have them? Friends.” Sirius asked.

“There’s this boy who isn't that bad. His name’s Evan. We spend a lot of time together, actually. I like him.”

“Evan Rosier? Right...”

“What? I can make friends too, Sirius. You’re not the only one who can.”

“Of course. I know. I’m not saying that. Just... you're sure that Rosier is the right person to be friends with?”

“You think he's bad just because he's a pureblood and a Slytherin. We're pureblood too. Your best friend James's a pureblood too. Even if...”

“Even if what? Even if he's a blood traitor?” Sirius' voice increased. Because no one could talk bad of James Potter in his presence, not even Regulus.

"I was talking about me, and my friends, why do you always have to draw the attention to yourself?"

"I don't!"

"You do! You know why you hate Remus so much? Because he has more attentions than you, Sirius! And you wanna know another thing? You also think you're better than me because you're a Gryffindor, and I'm not. I am a Slytherin.” Regulus said between his teeth. “Like everyone else in our family.”

“I never said any of this! I don't hate Remus and I don't feel superior. I don't!”

“You don't need to say anything, you’re acting like you’re superior anyway.”

Sirius turned to Regulus with fire eyes. He was now angry. “I’m not!”

“You can’t even look at my friends when I’m with them, like it disgusts you to see me with them. You know who they are and know that they're pureblood, but not the type of pureblood that satisfies you.”

“You're saying a lot of crap now, Regulus. Get lost. Really."

Regulus looked back at him and shushed him just with his gaze. Sirius pressed his lips together. Angry. Hurt.

They stayed silent again after that, but this time the silence was different. It was time to go to bed. There weren't stars to watch, just the bright dot—the moon—that somehow illuminated the whole sky. There weren't other words to share, or smiles to give.

“See ya, Sirius.”

So they just went to bed.

*****

“What are we going to do at Christmas?” Sirius asked the following week, at the begging of December.

Regulus looked down and shrugged. “Pretend we hate each others, I guess.”

“Right.”

Sirius was drawing on a piece of paper. Regulus, like always, was just looking up at the sky.

After that one conversation about their friends, the next meeting was more silent. Sirius hated it.

He wanted to tell Regulus about the prank they were thinking of, but somehow it didn't fell right. He wanted to tell him what James had done on the last quidditch practise, but somehow it didn't fell right. He wanted to tell him how excited he was to see what Andromeda had sent him for Christmas, hoping for another record, but, of course, it didn't fell right.

“You didn't need to come if you didn't want to see me.” Was the only thing Sirius said after a while.

Regulus looked down at him. 

“I wanted to see you, that's why I’m here.”

“Then why aren't you talking to me?”

Regulus sighed, “You aren't talking to me either.”

It was awkward. Sirius knew that these were the only moments they could spend together, and he hated that they were wasting time like that. Once at home, everything would be different. Even outside, in the Hogwarts hallways, everything was different. These nights were the only moments when they could be themselves, just him and his brother, Regulus.

His brother Regulus.

“I’m sorry about what I said last week.” Regulus spoke first.

Sirius pursed his lips. “Okay.” He waited a moment, then added. “You were right about a few things, though.”

“I know.”

“And I’m sorry too.”

“I know.”

Sirius knew it was selfish, but he was happy to have ended the conversation that way. He didn't know how to say sorry. Never learned how. 

“Sirius?”

Sirius looked up. “Yes?”

“I’m scared too,” Regulus whispered, “to go home. You’re not the only one.”

Sirius wanted to reply that he wasn't scared, but the thing was, he was.

He closed his eyes.

“What are drawing there?” Regulus changed the subject, Sirius smiled up at him.

“You.”

“Me?”

“It was meant to be your Christmas’ present, but if you want you can see it.”

Regulus thought about it for a moment, then nodded, sitting down next to Sirius.

“It’s you, looking at the sky. I added a lot of stars. You’re looking at them.”

Regulus watched the drawing carefully. Sirius watched his face while he looked at it.

“And you’re with me?”

“Yes. I’m here.” Sirius pointed at the sitting figure that he had sketched in pencil. Regulus was almost done, the sky too. Adding himself was a choice he had made at the last minute. He had just drawn the long hair of the sitting boy, who represented himself, and nothing else. He wanted to finish it before Christmas.

“You’re with me.” Regulus said again, still looking down at the drawing in Sirius’ hands. Sirius could see his smile in the dark, illuminated by the multitude of stars above their heads. He looked happy.

Sirius placed his arm around his brother's shoulder and smiled too. “Of course I’m with you. I’ll always stay with you, Reg.”

Regulus rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Always?”

“Always.”

And they stayed like that, Sirius kept drawing and Regulus just watched him, his head still on his shoulder. This time, the silence was comfortable. Because it was full of words, words that needed to be told like that. In silence.

(I’ll always stay with you, Reg.

I’ll always stay with you, Reg.

I’ll always stay with you, Reg.

Sirius never forgot these words, even when they stopped being true.)

*****

These are some of Sirius’ memories of his second year at Hogwarts. Along with some of the pranks he did with his friends, quidditch matches won by the Gryffindor team, nights in the Common Room.

It was a good year, in Sirius’ memory. Maybe not the Christmas break, that his relatives spent ignoring him. Maybe not the nights he and James spent in detention. Or when Remus was angry with everything and everyone the days around his visits with his mum. Or Peter’s stories that were always the same.

Maybe not these.

Actually. He liked these too. He liked most of the things he did with his friends. Even Peter’s boring stories. Even the detentions, if they were with James.

They decided to call themselves Marauders at some point. They decided to do so after a prank they put on Severus. Nothing too serious, just something to cheer them up during a Charms’ boring lesson.

After the lesson, they came out of the classroom running and laughing. They stopped in front of the Transfiguration classroom, trying to catch their breath.

“It was amazing!” Sirius almost screamed, his hand on James’ shoulder. “Have you seen Snivellus’ face?"

"Oh Merlin, yes! Remus, you are a genius with these pranks ideas.”

“Of course I am.” Remus replied, smiling. Peter had put his hands on his shoulder and was now jumping. Remus was laughing. Sirius didn't know why Remus let Peter do that. He didn't let anyone else touch him. Only Peter.

Not that Sirius wanted to touch him. 

“Who’s screaming out there?” McGonagall’s voice came to their ears. Sirius and James, who had their backs to her, immediately turned around.

“Sorry, Professor.” Remus said, his voice calm. “We didn’t mean to interrupt your lesson.”

McGonagall looked down at them for a moment. “Right. Go back to your lessons now, or I’ll have to give you detention.” Then went back to her class.

She had a soft spot for Remus, according to Sirius, and to everyone. Remus would have been annoyed by that assumption. Everyone liked him, but if someone pointed it out, he immediately changed the subject. Everyone liked him, especially girls. Sirius had noticed it too.

“We need to name our group.” James said, his arm around Sirius’ shoulders.

“Why?” Peter asked. He was looking at Remus. He was always, always, looking at Remus.

“Because.” James replied. It was enough of an answer.

“The initials of our names?” Sirius asked.

“So, R, J, P, S?” Remus asked with his eyebrow arched and an annoyed voice.

“Okay, maybe no. They don't sound good together.”

“No, not really.” Remus replied, rolling his eyes.

“Why do we need a name? We’re just… uhm, marauders, playing pranks on people. Severus, usually.” Peter said, thinning his eyes.

“We’re not marauders, Pete. We don't steal things.” James corrected him.

Of course, Remus defended his best friend, Peter. “Well, marauders can mean robbers, but also, like, bandits. Or brigands. Little delinquents, which I'm sure many professors consider us. So Pete’s right. We kind of are.”

Sirius rolled his eyes at him. “Then let’s just call ourselves Marauders.”

James stopped himself, making Sirius stop too. “Yes! It’s good. Just Marauders. I like it.”

“You want us to call ourselves ‘Marauders’?” Remus asked, he stopped too, Peter followed straight away.

“Yes!”

“I mean,” Sirius took part of the conversation, this time defending his best friend, James. “You are the one who said we’re marauders, Remus. So why not?”

Remus looked at him. Maybe Sirius liked bickering with him.

“Yeah, okay.” Remus said at the end, James rejoiced.

“Marauders, then.”

“Yes, Marauders.” Peter confirmed.

“Marauders.” Remus and Sirius said at the same time, their eyes meeting just for a second.

*****

Sirius didn't understand why Remus was always angry when he had to visit his mum. Not just angry. All his emotions changed more rapidly than usual. Everything annoyed him. 

Sirius noticed these things.

He found himself talking about Remus a lot with Regulus.

“He’s visiting her, now. I don't know why McGonagall makes him go home in the middle of the week. He always has to skip class. So why doesn't Professor McGonagall just make him visit her on weekends? I don't understand.”

“I don't know, Sirius. Maybe…” Regulus thought about it, he was sitting next to Sirius on the floor. “I don't know. It is weird now that I think about it.”

“Yeah. Oi, why aren't you looking at the stars?” Sirius asked him, looking up from the drawing he was making. Just a sketch of the Quidditch pitch.

“I like looking at you drawing. And there are no stars in the sky. Full moon tonight.”

“Right.”

“The moon’s always full when Remus visits his mum, have you ever noticed it?” Regulus asked, Sirius kept drawing.

“No, of course I haven’t. It’s not like I analyse everything he does.”

Regulus snorted. Almost laughed. “Yeah, right.”

“It’s a strange coincidence, though.” Sirius found himself saying less than a minute later. “I mean-” Sirius’ hand stopped.

Of course the full moons were just a coincidence.

He looked at the drawing.

And Remus' mood swings. 

Sirius arched an eyebrow.

Just a coincidence.

“Are you sure it’s always on the full moons?” He asked.

“Yeah. Because there’s never stars in the sky when he’s visiting his mum.”

“Right.” Sirius repeated, trying to continue his drawing without thinking about the strange theories his brain was making.

Strange theories, until he saw Remus the next day.

Chapter Text

REMUS

I wonder if ours really was love. Maybe it has been just an hallucination. Just a joke. An act.

I want to ask you this, some nights, when the baby’s sleeping and I find myself alone with my thoughts. I want to ask you if it was all fake for you.

And I hate myself for letting the thought even cross my mind, but I’m sure the answer would be yes. It was all fake.

And even if I pretend it doesn't hurt, I die a little every time I think about you.

Sacred and Profane Love; Tiziano (1515)

*****

Remus woke up the day after the full moon like he woke up after every other full moon. First in the Shrieking Shack, alone and naked. He covered himself and waited for Madam Pomfrey to come. He felt itching in his face, and his lungs hurt, and his hip, where he had the bite. So he just lay there, not moving much, in case he had something broken.

Madam Pomfrey came, she watched his face longer than usual. Remus was too tired to think about it. He couldn't wait to arrive in the hospital wing and fall asleep again. He was really tired. He had had a bad night, but he was used to it by now.

Like every other time, he fell asleep again in the hospital wing. He always slept in the same bed, he liked to call it his own. The last one by the window, as far away from the door as possible.

He woke up before lunch, and if he had more energy he would've gone to his afternoon lessons. But he was dead tired. More than the other times.

“Honey?” Madam Pomfrey appeared next to his bed as soon as he opened his eyes. How could she always know that he was awake? “How’re you feeling?”

“Tired.” He simply said, closing his eyes again.

He felt her hand caressing his cheek slowly. He liked her soft touch, maybe because he missed his mum’s one.

“Darling, you had your wrist broken and two fractured ribs, I’ve healed them now. Your hip too, but even if I tried to heal it I think it will probably still annoy you these days. You feel hurt some where else?” She asked, her voice always soft, like her touch, like everything she did.

“I’m good, my back hurts a little, but it always does after a full moon.”

She nodded, “Uhm, what about your face? Do you feel something different?”

For the first time that morning, he reached his face with his hands. He touched the skin under his fingers. He could feel something strange about it, he looked up at her confused.

“What?”

“Here.” She handed him a small mirror.

In his reflection, his face was crossed by a red line. It covered his entire face. From his left eyebrow, to his right cheek. Passing through his nose. It was still bright red.

Remus’ eyes widened.

“Have I done this to myself?” He asked, stupidly. Who else could have done that? His eyes never left the mirror, the more he watched it, the bigger the scar seemed to get.

“I believe so. It’s- Well,” she sighed, stopping, maybe hoping for him to look up at her and meet her eyes. When she realised he wasn't going to do so, she added, “I think it’s a scar that cannot be cured fully. The sign, you know, will remain.”

His eyes widened even more. He was about to cry. This couldn't be real. A lot of questions filled his brain. How do I explain this to my friends? To everyone? How would I look with this thing on my face? How can I look at myself again if I look like this? How can people look at me again and find me… attractive?

It wasn't like his confidence was that high. But he was just twelve—almost thirteen, and his appearance was still one of his first thoughts at the moment.

That thought, though, kept him worried just for a moment. The question that worried him the most was How do I explain this to my friends?

Madam Pomfrey stroked his cheek again. “I’m sorry, honey. Your face is still beautiful. It’s not a big deal, really. I know it seems like it is, but it’s not.”

He really was about to cry.

Remus closed his eyes, surrendered. “My friends can't see me like this.”

“I’m sorry.” She repeated.

She left him alone, and Remus found himself silently letting out some tears. He tried to think. Think of a solution, which, according to Madam Pomfrey, wasn’t there. Think of something to say to his friends, which was harder than expected.

He didn't want to leave the hospital wing. Ever again.

Eventually, before dinner, he had to. He skipped the meal and went straight to his room, which was empty. He showered, with the intention to go to bed and close the curtains until the day after. He would think of something the next day. Yes. He would do that.

Before he could do all that, his friends changed his plans. When he came out of the bathroom, a big white jumper on and blue shorts covering his upper legs, he found James in front of him.

“Remus!” His face changed immediately. “What happened?!” He asked worried. He reached out for him and tried to look closely at his face.

Remus turned his head to the side, trying to cover himself. “Nothing.”

He hurried to his bed, but now also Sirius and Peter’s attentions were on him. He turned his back to them, his breath was becoming faster and faster and faster and…

“Remus, has something happened at home?” James asked again. Remus felt Peter’s hand on his shoulder.

“No! Nothing happened at home, I just wanna go to bed.”

“Why are you limping? Is there something wrong with your hip?” Peter tried to look at him, but Remus had his back to him. 

“Remus. You have a scar on your face.” James’ voice announced. The words hit Remus’ back like a knife.

“What?!” Peter asked, “A scar? Let me see, Remus.”

He shook his head, covering his face with his hands like a baby. “No.” He simply said. It was a nightmare. His mind had left him. His brain wasn't reaching his body anymore. He had split into two. His body, shaking and afraid, was there, in the bedroom. Turning his back to his friends. And his mind, was somewhere he didn't know. Far away from that room, from that moment. Remus wanted to disappear completely. His body too, not just his ability to think. And talk. He wanted to disappear.

“Remus.” Sirius just said his name.

He felt his eyes burning. “Please, leave me alone.”

“Tell us what happened first, Remus.” James began, “I’m worried, why do you have a scar on your face? You can’t-”

“I did it myself.” He replied, and it was the truth. It was the truth.

“Let me see.” Peter repeated.

He didn't hear the words they said after that. But he turned. He turned to them, with his hands still covering his face. “It’s nothing.” He warned, before removing them. His eyes took a moment to adjust to the light, his three best friends’ shocked faces were the first thing he saw.

Peter covered his mouth. “Remus, what-?”

Sirius seemed to be the most scared between them. “Who did that to you?! Merlin, Remus. Who did it?”

“No one. I did it myself, I told you.”

“That’s not true. Has someone hit you, Remus?” Sirius asked again, “Please, tell me.”

“Have your parents hurt you, Remus?” James, worried, added himself to Sirius’ preoccupations. “Please, tell us.”

“No!” Remus screamed again, he was starting to panic. “They don’t! I did it myself,” it was the truth. God, it was the truth! “My parents don’t hit me!”

They stayed silent after that, studying Remus’ face. He felt ashamed. He wanted them to look away. He was uncomfortable. Like an animal in a zoo. A strange creature to look at for fun. (Years later, he found himself wondering if they really did. If, when they looked at him, they thought this. That he was a strange creature. Just an animal. Not an animal in a zoo, though. An animal that killed people and didn't deserve their trust. Years later, Remus found himself thinking that yes. They probably did.)

“Remus.” Sirius said at some point, his voice was even more serious now. Remus could fell his heart beating fast. Sirius’ heart beating fast.

“They don’t hit-“ He tried to say, but Sirius spoke first.

“Is- Am I right? Am I thinking the right thing?”

Remus shook his head. “No, they don’t hit me. I swear to God-“

“I’m not talking about that.” Sirius said, instead. Remus stopped.

“And what are you talking about, then?”

“I don’t know if they’re just strange theories, but it makes sense. It makes sense…”

Remus was starting to get angry. What the hell was Sirius thinking? “What?!”

“I just noticed that, every time you visit your mum, it’s… I don’t want to say it for you, if I’m right. You have to decide that.”

“You can’t understand.”

“I just noticed that the sky… You know, in the sky… every time you visit her…” Sirius stayed silent for a moment, his heart still beating fast in his chest. “Am I going in the right direction?” He said slowly.

Remus arched his eyebrow. What the hell was he talking about, really? Sirius kept looking at him in silence, Remus was really trying to understand.

The sky, the sky, the sky…

In the sky.

Remus’ eyes widened.

“Am I saying the right thing?” Sirius asked carefully. Now Remus was scared. What if Sirius had actually figured it out? What if he had figured out the real explanation? Nonono.

James and Peter were confused. They shared a look behind Sirius, Remus caught it.

“Please,” he found himself saying, “I’ll talk to McGonagall and ask her if I can change room. I- I’ll do anything, but please, don’t tell anyone.” He begged, Sirius couldn’t be right, but if he was…

“What are you two talking about?” Peter asked, too confused and curious to keep quiet any longer.

Remus ignored him. “I can’t lose this opportunity, Sirius. I have to study there, my family’s not rich like yours. I have nothing else to go. Please, Sirius, don’t tell anyone.” He begged again. He was begging Sirius Black.

“I won’t! I won’t tell them either, if you don’t want them to know.” He was talking about James and Peter, who were still confused.

“Know what?!” Peter asked, now furious. Remus imagined his reaction, if he told him the truth. The fear in his best friend’s eyes. Just the thought of it hurt Remus.

“I’ll leave the dormitory, if you want me to, really. Just, you can’t tell anyone. I’m not dangerous, I swear.” Remus said for the last time, his eyes locked in Sirius’ ones.

Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder.

It was strange for them to touch, but in that moment the contact felt like an anchor of salvation.

“Everything is fine, Remus.”

How could he even say that?! Remus wanted to let his hand drop and punch him, but he didn’t. Of course he didn’t.

“What is it?” James said, he hadn’t talked yet. Which was strange for him.

“When I say I go home to visit my mum, it’s not true.” Remus started to say, Sirius’ hand still on his shoulder. He realised it was still there. “I- I stay here, they keep me closed, I swear! I’m not hurting anyone, they close me up.”

Peter seemed angry. “Why do they close you up?! Do they hit you?”

“Does someone hit you, Remus?” James asked too. Nonono. Shut up.

Just shut up!

“I’m a werewolf!” He screamed, Sirius didn’t expect this reaction, because his eyes went wide, but his hand stayed in Remus’ shoulder.

And it was silence after that.

Remus took the opportunity to keep going. “The scar, I did it myself, I told you. They lock me up in this house, every month. I can’t escape from here, I’m not dangerous, I swear. I transform there, and sometimes I hurt myself, I have scars on my body that I can hide under the clothes, but this one…”

“You have other scars?” Peter asked, worried.

Remus just nodded. It was enough of an answer.

“I’m the only person I hurt. I don’t wanna hurt anyone, ever. I swear. I- I can change room if you want me to, but please don’t tell anyone. I don’t know why Dumbledore wanted me so bad here, but he knows about my problem and he’s the one that made my permanence here possible. He found a place where I can stay during the full moons and everything. I can’t loose the opportunity to study here. I don’t even know why and how I’m here, but I can’t leave. Please.”

“Because you’re one of the most clever students Hogwarts has ever seen,” Peter said. Remus’ eyes left Sirius’ and fell on him.

“What?”

Peter smiled, Remus looked at him with soft eyes. “That’s why you’re here. Because you deserve to be here. You’re one of the most clever students Hogwarts has ever seen.”

Remus hadn’t noticed, but when he looked back at Sirius and James, Sirius’ hand had left his shoulder.

For the first time, this scared Remus. It seemed like his brain re-entered his body, because after that he shook his head.

“I swear, I’ll do anything, anything. Just please, don’t make me leave.”

“Why would we want something like that?” James asked, confused.

“Because I’m a werewolf!”

“But it’s not like you’re dangerous or something,” James added, calm. Still confused.

Remus was more confused than him. “I am, on the full moons.”

“Dumbledore has taken care of it, hasn’t he? If you’re here, it means you can be here.” Peter took part in the conversation.

“Yes, but…”

“That doesn’t change anything, Remus.” Remus turned to James again. His voice was still calm. “Especially between us. Right, boys?” He looked at Sirius and Peter behind him, who nodded.

“Of course not.”

Remus looked at them, didn’t dare to move. Not an inch. Scared, his legs shaking.

“Are you being serious right now?” He was afraid of the answer.

“Well, I’m always Sirius.” Sirius said, smiling. Peter rolled his eyes, it took some time for Remus to understand the joke, then he rolled his eyes too. James grinned.

“If you’re scared of me or something, tell me now. Please.” He said, serious again. “I can’t stand the thought of you thinking I’m… I don’t know, a mon-”

“Well, I’m scared of you when I’m the one who has to wake you up in the morning. You’re so aggressive.” Sirius interrupted him, making some diva pose with his hands on his chest. “You already hate me, it seems like you’re ready to kill me when you open your eyes. I always let Peter wake you up.”

“Yeah, you’re scaring before breakfast too. But when you eat something it’s all good. Really.” James added. Remus found himself rolling his eyes.

“I’m serious.”

James nodded, pursing his lips. “Yeah, me too.”

Peter dropped the subject and asked: “Does it hurt? The scar?”

“Uhm, no, actually.” Remus realised. He hadn't thought about it. “I have ones that hurt more.”

James frowned. “Is it bad, being closed up?”

“It’s fine, I just wanna keep everyone safe. I know it’s better if I’m closed up, so it’s fine.”

Even Sirius looked sad. Surely it was just Remus' imagination.

“When did they bit you?” Peter asked.

Remus sighed, he sat down, looking up at his friends. “I was five.”

Peter covered his face with his hands again, “Five? You were just five?”

“That’s terrible. I’m sorry, Remus.” James said, looking really upset.

“No one deserves something like that a such a young age. You were five.” Peter added. “And now you’re just twelve. You’re so strong, Remus. Really. I don’t think I could be this strong.”

Remus had to close his eyes. It hurt him. It hurt him to think of it. It hurt him to hear his friends saying these things out loud.

“Of course you could be, Peter. Of course.”

After that, it was just questions.

Like, How did it happen? Does it hurt when you transform? You remember about it after? How much do you hurt himself? So your mum’s not sick?

“She’s fine,” he said. “I just needed an excuse. Something to justify my absences every month. And why I always skip lessons the day after. Usually, I just stay in the hospital wing and sleep. Madam Pomfrey takes care of me. She’s really nice.”

When the answers were over, Remus felt scared again.

“You still want me here, after everything I’ve told you?”

“I do.” Peter said firmly. “It’s not like it’s your fault or something. You’re still you.”

James nodded, “You’re not different to our eyes because of that, promise. You’re still Remus.”

Sirius wasn't saying anything.

“Still a marauder.” Peter added.

“We would be terrible marauders if we lose our mind of the pranks.” James said, hopping down in his bed.

“Seriously, though.” Said Peter laughing, “Our pranks would suck.”

“Exactly, so stay with us and keep thinking of pranks to do, will you?” James asked, smiling, even though it didn’t feel like a real question. It was a statement.

“Bollocks,” said Remus, smiling up at them, “James would have good ideas too.”

“Not me?!” Peter and Sirius asked at the same time. Sirius finally said something.

James and Remus shared a smile.

He realised that, in this moment, they had chosen to trust him. Chosen to put their trust on him. And trust that he was a good person. Trust that he wasn't just his ‘monthly problem’. And he trusted them too. He would trust them with everything he had.

It was scary, to put such a big thing on someone's hands. But he would do it another hundred times. They were his best friends. The best people in the world. If someone deserved to have his trust, it was them.

He looked at the three of them. He was grateful. He didn't fell alone.

He didn't fell alone.

It was a good feeling. Good, good feeling.

“Thank you.” Remus said at the end, “Don't say anything. I just want to thank you.”

Sirius smirked and messed up his hair. “Aw, Remus.”

Remus shrugged him off. “Get off.”

“Okay, the real Remus’s back.” Sirius turned to James with his thumb up.

Remus rolled his eyes, but ended up almost smiling. Oh God.

“So,” Peter turned to him, “you want a chocolate frog?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

*****

"16/02/1973
Hi mum,
I’m sorry to hear that you feel alone at home. Dad’s always at work? I wish I could keep you company. I miss you.
Thanks for sending me the records, David Bowie is still my favourite, but I’ll try to listen to Elton John, just for you. Just because you love him.
Write to me soon. I miss you.
Your son, Remus”

*****

There were times when Remus felt like he couldn't be hard on Sirius. He couldn't because he was scared, he was. Sirius knew his secret, and could tell everyone about it if Remus made him made. So, for a while, Remus left him alone. Didn't bother him. Didn't really talk to him. And they made it without fighting. Until Remus' birthday party.

His birthday felt on a Saturday, which, to Remus’ fortune meant just one thing: a party.

The Marauders organised it, of course, and reunited the whole Gryffindor tower in the Common Room. Some people from the other houses came too. The night went pretty much like the year before.

Nice presents. Both his and Sirius’ records playing. People he had spoken to only once who greeted him. And the Marauders’ comments about his friendships with so many girls.

“Mary is kinda cute, though.” Peter said, the other three turned to him.

“What?” Sirius asked, laughing.

“It’s true. Isn’t she?”

"Yeah..."

Remus shrugged, “I don’t know. I guess.”

“They're coming here.” Sirius said. "Lily and Mary. Peter, it's your moment."

"I don't like her!"

"You just said you did."

"I just said she's cute."

"Exactly."

Lily and Mary, who were dancing together and drinking Coca-Cola in red cups, were now walking towards them. Remus looked for Marlene too, and found her talking to another girl that he didn't recognise.

The two girls smiled at Remus. 

“Hi girls.” Sirius said, all of them ignored him, their eyes focused on Remus.

Remus smiled back at them. “Hi. Are you having fun?”

“Yes! The music is amazing, you know I love Bowie.” Mary said. Remus remembered the letters they had shared months before during the summer.

He smiled softly. “What's your favourite song of the album, again?” 

“It Ain’t Easy.”

“Mine is Five Years.” Lily said, she knew David Bowie too, of course. Sometimes Remus and her listened to him when they took breaks from their study sessions.

“You two know him?” Sirius asked, before Remus could say anything else. What a dumb question was that? Remus almost rolled his eyes.

Mary and Lily laughed. “Of course. We are the muggleborns here, not you. And Starman was always playing in the radio this summer.”

“I like muggle things.” Sirius told them. It was probably the first time they talked to each other, Remus noticed.

Lily almost laughed again. “Why would you care about muggle things?”

Sirius straightened his back. “Why wouldn't I? I like motorcycles. And muggle music.”

The two girls didn't answer. They laughed. 

“Why are you laughing?” James asked, his eyebrow arched. Lily turned to him for the first time.

"Isn't it funny that Black, the heir of one of the most famous pureblood families, likes muggle things? Sounds like a joke to me."

"It's not a joke." Sirius furrowed his eyebrows. "I can like muggle things, you know."

"Of course." She shook her head again. "And you, Potter, do you like something beside Quidditch?" Lily turned to James.

He widened his eyes, wasn't expecting the question. "Uhm..."

Remus almost wanted to laugh. 

"I like muggle things too."

"Oh, yeah? You do?"

"Yeah?"

"How silly am I? I thought you hated on us!"

"No, why would we?" James shook his head.

Lily's face got serious. “Don't you two understand that when you keep saying 'muggle things' you're just pointing out that we're different from you? Unless you like to point it out."

Sirius and James looked at each other. Remus rubbed the back of his neck. Lily could be like that.

"No, we don't!"

"Well, since you two think that you’re better than everyone,” she pointed to Sirius and James with her chin, “maybe you also have problems with muggleborns. I don’t know. Remus always defends you, but I don’t know if I should trust him.”

“Oi!” Remus arched both his eyebrows.

“We don’t have problems with anyone!” James and Sirius said at the same time. Remus found it hilarious how they sometimes talked at the same time. He suffocated a laugh.

“Remus, don’t laugh!” James told him. He and Peter burst out laughing.

Lily rolled her eyes at Sirius and James. “Whatever. Anyway, Remus, thanks for the help on the History of Magic's essay. I couldn't have made it without you.”

“Me too.” Mary added, “I literally got one of the highest marks of the class.”

Remus’ cheeks started to feel hot. Not because he was embarrassed—well, he was, but not because of Mary, or Lily. Because his friends would make fun of it later.

“I’m glad.” He simply said, looking down. The two girls smiled down at him.

“What a saviour our Remus is.” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. 

“Yeah, he really is.” Lily said, then added a “Happy birthday, Rem.”

She gave him a kiss on the cheek. Mary did too.

The other marauders were shocked.

“They even kissed him on the cheek!” Sirius said, later that night, when the four of them were alone in their bedroom.

“And Evans even kissed him! She looks like she's about to murder someone all the time, and she kissed him! She also called him ‘Rem’!” James cried out.

Remus ignored them, putting his jumper on. Peter smirked at him. Remus closed his eyes and shook his head.

“And you help them study too!” James added.

“Oh God…”

“So that's the secret!” Sirius sat down in his bed, “Girls like clever guys.”

“Oh God…” Remus said again.

“I never thought about it!” James kept going, “I thought that Quidditch was the secret! We are so stupid!”

“Yes, you are.”

Peter giggled.

“Do you fancy one of them?” Sirius asked at some point, Remus looked up at him.

“No, I don’t. They’re my friends.”

“I think they fancy you,” Sirius added. “Maybe Lily. I hope for Peter that Mary doesn’t, since he finds her cute, but who knows. And Marlene? Oh Merlin, maybe her too.”

“Stop it. They don't fancy me. We’re just friends. They’re friends just with me and Peter because of that, you know? You would think it’s romantic, when it’s just friendship.”

Sirius didn't look at him. “I don’t know. They kissed your cheek.”

Remus rolled his eyes again. Sirius kept going.

“And you’re always with them. Do you study with other girls too?”

“I study with a lot of people.” Peter and James just listened in silence, both seated in their respective beds. “Not just girls. I help everyone who needs an hand. First years and second years, you know. But I hope I can keep helping people next year too. You have quidditch practices, I help people with their homework. Where’s the problem?”

Sirius shrugged. “There’s no problem. I was just asking.”

“Stop with this ‘girls’ bullshit, I swear. I’m sick of it.”

“Okay, Lupin. Calm down…” Sirius kept looking up at him.

He just kept pissing Remus off. Always asking him things like that. Always, always. What did he want from him? Jesus. Remus seriously couldn't stand him.

"Yeah, you always do that, don't you? You piss me off then say 'calm down'. Well, fuck off."

"Oh wow," Sirius turned to James, "did you hear him, J? He cusses! How cool is he? I'm falling to my knees for him."

"What's your problem? You like to bother me, mh? Like to see how far I can go? I'm tired of you, Sirius."

"I'm tired of you too, but it's not like I'm telling everyone you're a werewolf, am I? I could get you expelled in matter of minutes, you know that?"

Remus looked at him. Sirius stopped, like he was connecting what he had just said.

James put his hand on Sirius' arm. "Sirius, don't say that."

"Why wouldn't he say that? That's how he is. He uses people's insecurities when he needs to. That's the only way you have to feel important, right, Sirius?"

Sirius swallowed. He stepped back, made James' hand fall. "I- I didn't mean to say that."

"Oh, of course you didn't. Another characteristic of yours: you say things, then think about it and say that you didn't mean it. That's your excuse all the time."

"I didn't mean it, really. I would never expose you to anyone. I said it just because I'm angry, I-"

Remus closed his eyes, he breathed. "Don't you realise that you are making everything hell for me? If you want to bicker, okay. Let's do it. But this... I've never regretted anything more. I wish I never told you about it." He kept his eyes on the floor, because he never showed his emotions, but this, he needed to say this. "If you want to tell around, just do. At least you won't make me feel like shit anymore."

He headed to the bathroom. Peter followed right behind, but Remus closed the door before he could reach him. He heard him breath and say "Get lost, Sirius. You're the worst person I know. You like to bring people down all the time. You're awful. Ask yourself why everyone hate you." Then, to the door, he added, with a softer voice: “Remus?”

Remus waited for them to go to bed. Feeling a bit childish, actually. He just sat on the floor with his back to the door. 

When he went to bed, there was a small piece of paper on his nightstand. 'SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY. -S' written on it.

Remus crumpled it and threw it on the floor.

Chapter Text

Sometimes, I shouldn't, but I end up wondering if you still think about me…

…I think about you all the time, trying to impress the smiles I used to see on your face in my memory and forget to think about anything else…

…If you still miss me…

…I miss you more than seeing the light of the sun…

…If you hated me the night you decided to leave me behind, alone, without anyone…

…I still love you. With all my heart. And I know you hate me, but I can’t not love you. I started loving you at fifteen, and won’t stop. Not now, not ever. Because loving you forever will never be wrong.

The Birth of Venus; Botticelli (1485-86)

*****

The worst memories of Remus’ childhood are two.

One is connected to the nightmares he had once a month. Nightmares that weren’t nightmares.

The second is about Veritaserum.

His parents didn’t know what he did to himself when he was in his wolf form. He was five years old and got scars so big that even his father, an adult, would cry from the pain.

But Remus never cried. And when his father healed his wounds, he barely reacted. His parents were very worried.

A man came to their house, and gave him a potion to drink. It was Veritaserum. Then he interrogated Remus, for hours and hours, trying to figure out what had happened during the night. Remus told him he didn't remember. The man kept going. The potion did nothing. Remus told him nothing, not because the potion didn't work, but because he really didn’t remember anything.

Every year, usually for three or four full moons after his birthday, the man came and tried again. The first time the man came Remus was six. The last time, he was eight. Then they stopped trying.

When their third year of school began, they had to choose extra subjects. Remus chose Arithmancy, Study of Ancient Runes and Care of Magical Creatures. His friends chose the same, but Sirius and James changed Care of Magical Creatures with Muggle Studies. (Lily rolled her eyes at that choice.) Peter took Divination. Beside that, the four of them were together almost all the time.

Lily and Mary took Care of Magical Creatures with him. Their professor was Silvanus Kettleburn.

It took Remus three lessons to recognise him.

The man who came to his house when he was a boy. The man with the Veritaserum. It was him.

Remus recognised the smell at some point, and after the fifth lesson, he took enough courage to go to his office.

Kettleburn told him that he had recognised him the first lesson. The very first day. First, from his name. Then, from his face. Remus didn’t have many photographs of himself as a boy, but he certainly had changed a lot. It had been five years since Kettleburn had last seen him, but he told Remus that, even if he was identical to his eyes, he seemed to have grown a lot.

He seemed a nice man. Thinking that, Remus kinda felt like he was betraying his younger self. He felt like he should detest him.

But he didn’t. He liked his course. And sometimes, after class, they would stop and talk in his office. Remus never found the courage to ask him about the Veritaserum episodes. They talked about things they’ve studied during class, about Remus’ dad—Remus learned that they were great friends— and his ‘problem’ too.

Eventually, in October, the Veritaserum episodes came out.

“You know, I’m doing studies on lycanthropy. You’re just the second werewolf I’ve met, I don't know any other. It s hard to find information about lycanthropy, but I know they’re trying to make a potion that will make the transformation less painful.”

“They’re trying to make a potion? What do you mean?” Remus asked, he was looking at the books on Kettleburn’s shelves. He saw some muggle ones too.

“A potion that you can take before the full moon and it’ll make the transformation less hurtful. Like, calming the wolf in you, if you know what I mean. Trying to understand what happens during the full moon using the Veritaserum is a method that wizards have tried for some years now. I tried it on you too, I don’t know if you remember, but it never lead to any conclusions.”

“I remember.” Remus tried to stay calm, like these weren’t some of the worst memories of his childhood. He didn't tell Kettleburn that. He shrugged. “Has it been tried on other werewolves as well?”

“Yes.”

“Did it lead to any conclusions?”

Kettleburn smiled. “Luckily, yes.”

Remus sat up straighter. “Someone remembers what happens during the full moon?”

“I tried the method only on you and it didn't work, but it did for one of my colleagues. A werewolf said something that helped our studies. It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing.”

“And,” Remus said immediately, then coughed. “Sorry. And what did the werewolf say?”

“I’m trying to inform myself as best I can. Maybe I can tell you what I find, if it can be helpful to you. I can give you the contact of my friend, if you want. Mr. Crims. I’ll tell him to write to you, what do you think?”

Remus stopped for a second. He wanted to know what happened during the full moons, but at the same time he didn’t. Maybe it was different for everyone. And how could knowing about it help Remus? Yet, he realised he really wanted to know.

“Okay,” he simply said, “thank you.”

Kettleburn smiled at him again. “You’re a good kid, Remus. I’ll let you go now, spend some time with your friends this weekend. I know next Friday is a full moon.”

“Yeah,” he got up and looked down at the professor, “alright. Imma go. Hope you’ll have a nice weekend, Professor.”

“You too, Remus.”

He actually did as told: spent the weekend with his friends, read The sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe and did his homework. He waited for a letter from Mr. Crims too.

It didn't come that weekend, but some time later.

*****

The first time Remus mentioned it, it was mid October. They were in the Common Room together, it was almost midnight, none of them tired.

Sirius had just told James about the previous night, spent with Regulus in the astronomy tower. James always listened to him carefully. Sirius liked that aspect of him. He was a good listener.

When he finished talking, and James finished listening, they turned to Remus and Peter, who were playing chess on the floor. Whispering to each others.

“How’s the game going?” James asked. They both looked up with wide eyes.

“Uhm, fine. Yeah…” Remus looked first at Peter, then back at James, “Pete’s winning.”

“Am I?”

Remus looked at Peter again with big eyes. “Yes.”

“Right,” Peter looked down at the chess board, “I’m winning.”

“Something wrong?” James asked, Sirius wanted to ask too. Something was off.

Remus looked up awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh no, I was just- just telling Peter about my Care of Magical Creatures’ professor. Didn’t think you would care.”

“Why,” Sirius smirked, “you have a crush on him?”

Remus didn’t answer. He never answered.

James smiled at Remus, “What is it, Remus?”

“It’s just- he’s doing these studies…” he looked around. They were the last students left in the Common Room. Completely alone. “Researches about lycanthropy.”

“Is he?”

“Yeah. I don’t know, he’s… that’s what I was telling Peter.”

Remus told them that Kettleburn and him had already seen each other before, because, when he was a little boy, the man used to go to his house after the full moons and interrogate him, under the effect of Veritaserum.

“He said that this experiment, if that’s how you want to call it, never led to any conclusion in my case. Because I never remembered anything.” Remus told them.

James asked him if he did now, remember something after a full moon, but Remus just shook his head.

“I don’t. But he said that these experiments worked with another werewolf. Like, I think they remember what happens during the transformation. I can’t do it.”

“And that means something bad?” James asked, his eyes focused on Remus.

“I don't think so. It’s just strange. I thought it was normal to forget what happens while you‘re in your wolf form. Now I’m thinking about it. What if I’m the only one who can’t remember? And, I don’t know, I think I wanna know what happens during the moon. I asked one of Kettleburn’s friends about it.”

“I’m sure there are other werewolves who forget about it too.” Peter said firmly, but Sirius had the feeling that Remus wasn't really listening to him. Already lost in his own thoughts. “Maybe you can talk with the werewolf who remembers about it? I don't know.”

Remus seemed to turn back to life again. “I don’t know him. Or her. You can’t just ask that, I guess. It’s… private.” He took out a letter and held it in front of his friends. “I sent a letter to Kettleburn’s colleague. He replied to me.”

“Have you read it?”

“Not yet…” Remus looked at Peter, then at James, Sirius was the last. Just for a moment. After he looked at Sirius, he closed his eyes.

Peter and James turned to him. Sirius’ eyes were wide open.

“I- I can leave if you’re uncomfortable.” He swallowed. He felt bad. It had been months since that time. The night Remus started hating him. He said that he didn’t hate anyone, but Sirius was sure that he did. The way Remus looked at him when their eyes accidentally met almost hurt Sirius. He did feel bad for that he had said the year before. He had apologised, a few times. Remus didn’t even talk to him. Didn’t even look at him.

“Stay.” Remus said to the floor. “I don’t care. Can I read it with you?”

“Of course.” Peter nodded, “Whenever you like.”

Remus sighed, “Okay…” He handed the letter to Peter, “You read it.”

“Alright.” Peter coughed, “it says ‘Dear mr. Lupin, I’m Edward Crims, a colleague and a friend of your professor, Mr. Kettleburn. Also a friend of your dad, Lyall. I remember about you, you were a little boy the last time we saw each other. You asked me about the successful Veritaserum experiment I did. I think you’ll understand that my client prefers to remain anonymous, and I do not think it is appropriate to give you information related to his case without his consent. I can’t help you with this, but I can answer your question. Yes, some werewolves can remember what happens during the full moons, but there are others, like you, that can't. I think that you're all different. Some werewolves are also conscious when they’re in their wolf form. I don't know who decides who remembers and who doesn't, and I don’t know if it’s something you learn to do, but that's what I'm doing researches about. You’re still young, you’ll figure your wolf self out at some point. Do not stress about it for now. Write to me if you need something. Have a great week, Mr. Crims.'”

Remus kept looking at his hands, his eyes never looked up. Sirius was studying him carefully. He was frowning a little.

“He didn’t really say anything.” James’ voice took both Sirius and Remus back to life. They turned to him, Peter too.

Sirius watched Remus thinking about it. “I don’t know. I just wanted… more answers. I don't know to what questions, but I still, like, wanted answers. At least I know that some werewolves do remember what happens on the full moons and some don't. I mean, if a werewolf bit me, I guess it’s obvious that some of them do remember what happens. And are conscious during it. I just wanted to know how that’s possible, I guess.”

“You’ll find your answers.” Peter told him, “Maybe not now, but you will. I’m sure you’ll find them.”

“Yeah… maybe. I don’t know.”

“You will.” Peter repeated. Remus kept looking down.

“Maybe someone else can’t give you the answers you need, maybe you have to find them yourself.” James added, “These people who are studying about werewolves aren't werewolves. You are. With time, of course, you’ll find your answers. On your own, I guess.”

Remus smiled sadly. “Yeah, of course, on my own…”

That was the first time James thought, and then told Sirius, about something he had heard during a Transfiguration lesson. How to become Animagi.

*****

During Christmas 1973, Remus was able to see his father more. He was now working at the Ministry of Magic, and was barely home, but at least that year he spent Christmas and boxing day with Remus and his mother.

The three of them managed to spend just these two days all together, but compared to the previous two Christmas, that Remus had spent alone, it was fine.

Remus even found the time to tell his dad about Kettleburn, and Mr. Crims. His dad seemed happy to hear about that. He asked Remus about Kettleburn’s subject, how the professor was doing, if he had told him something about his lycanthropy researches. (He couldn't have known, while he asked this, that years later Remus would find a better father figure in Kettleburn than in him. Of course he couldn't know, because after that Christmas, work at the Ministry began to be more and more. Which didn't mean good news. But it took them some time to realise it. Too much time.)

Remus learned another thing.

There was a war going on.

He found out about it during a conversation with his dad, who told him not to worry about it too much, for now. To study, spend time with his friends, read. The Ministry of Magic was taking care of it.

For the first time, Remus understood why his dad was never home.

Of course, after that conversation with his dad, Remus started looking for information about the war. There was this man, who wanted to be called Lord Voldemort, who was angry, apparently, and was killing people. Remus found it annoying, really.

Remus was angry too, but he wasn't killing people. Thank you very much.

In a letter, he asked Peter if he knew something about the war.

Then, he spent the rest of the Christmas holidays studying how to prepare a Veritaserum potion.

His dad had some ingredients in his office. Remus spent days on it—not that he had something better to do at home, alone—and by the time the break was over, the potion was also ready. And Remus had thought about a prank he couldn't wait to tell the Marauders about.

*****

“We put Veritaserum in his drink, and watch him being forced to tell the truth for the next four hours.” Remus told them on the train, the day they came back from the Christmas holidays, which Sirius had spent at the Potters'. (For the first time, but surely not the last.)

His family had gone to France during Christmas, and had basically asked him—without directly asking him—to not join them. It had been hard not to spend Christmas with Regulus, but they had written to each other almost every day during the holidays. Sirius had missed him, and couldn't wait to see him later that night.

Now, he went back to listen to Remus’ idea for the next prank.

“I think it'll be good, especially if we decide to do it on a day we have classes in common with him. This way we can ask him strange questions and he has to answer all of them.” James said, and Remus nodded.

“Even better.”

“How did you make it? The Veritaserum potion. Isn't it too difficult for a third year?” Peter asked Remus, and Sirius found himself answering for him.

“There’s nothing Remus can’t do, right?”

Remus rolled his eyes, like usual. No answer. Never, ever, an answer.

Remus wasn't the only one who had done some researches during the holidays. James and Sirius had searched information about the Animagi thing.

James had told Sirius that he felt sorry for Remus, and had also told him about that idea of becoming Animagi. For a moment Sirius had looked at him as if he were a genius.

“Do you think it could help him if we spent the nights with him?” He had asked.

“His wolf self could kill us, but… If we become animals, maybe we could help him. If we study to become Animagi and will be actual animals, do you think our presence would help him?”

“Spend the nights with him while he’s a werewolf and we’re in our animal forms?” Sirius had asked.

“Yes. Do you think it could help him?”

“Maybe? Yes. Maybe it’ll help him. And if he still doesn't remember, we’ll be here to watch him.”

“We have to study a lot, though. And it might not work. We should tell Peter about it too.”

“We can do it.” Sirius said, James smiled at him.

“You don't really hate him, do you?”

Sirius looked away.

He didn't know why, but lately he had been thinking about Remus a lot. And most of the time, he didn't think of bad things.

When he thought that Remus had been spending a night a month alone, fighting with his own self, since he was five, Sirius found himself looking up at him. It was a thought that lasted only a minute, but Sirius felt it.

Remus Lupin was brave. Sirius didn't like him, but was sure that he was the bravest person he had ever met. That had to count for something. (He continued to think this for the rest of his life. Not a day went by that Sirius wasn’t sure of it. From that Christmas in 1973, until his last breath, Sirius never stopped thinking that Remus was the bravest person in the whole world.)

They then told Peter about their idea, and didn't even need to convince him to do it, because as soon as they had finished explaining their plain, Peter was already saying that it was a good idea.

That’s when they started studying to become Animagi.

*****

They decided to put the Veritaserum prank on Severus around the end of January. They chose to do it on a Tuesday.

They put the potion in his drink during breakfast. It had been hard to do so. Sirius went to the Slytherin table with the excuse of having to talk with Regulus, and somehow managed to put the potion in Severus’ glass. It took him a while, actually, but he did it.

They played it cool at first. They asked him some embarrassing questions once in a while, like when was the last time you peed your pants? Or, why does it seem like you don’t wash your hair since your fourth birthday? 

The thing got more serious during Potion class. Like the previous years, James and Sirius were sitting together, behind Severus and Lily.

Remus and Peter sit next to them, in the last row.

At first, it was fun. It was fun, until…

“Oi Snivellus,” James started again, he was already laughing, Sirius too. Remus wasn't paying them attention anymore, he just let them enjoy themselves while he listened to Slughorn’ lesson. Peter was paying attention to the lesson too, James and Sirius’ questions had started to become boring.

Severus turned around, rolling his eyes, “What do you want now?”

Lily turned too, looking at the two boys, annoyed. James looked at her, then shared a look with Sirius.

“Do you have a crush on Evans?”

Severus stayed silence for a second, then nodded. “Yes, I do.”

His eyes went wide, Lily’s too. She looked at James. Severus didn't dare to look at her, “I mean, I- yes. I do. Wait…” He tried to say, but James had another question ready.

“I bet you dream about kissing her and these stuff, don’t you?”

“Almost every night.” Severus said serious, then opened his eyes even more. “Every time I look at her.” Lily raised her head and looked at him with her mouth open.

Sirius was giggling, James’ smile was getting bigger and bigger. “So tell me, what do you dream to do to her?”

“ I wanna-”

“Stop it now, Potter!” Lily said, looking at James, her eyes full of anger.

“-kiss her on the cheek, and on the mouth-“

Sirius was laughing so hard that he had to cover his mouth with his hand.

“Severus!” Lily almost screamed, “Potter! Stop it!”

“What’s going on here?” Professor Slughorn asked, everyone in the class became quiet. Remus and Peter looked up too.

“-hug her, and smell her hair. Touch her-“

“What?!” Professor Slughorn said, his eyes also wide.

“Professor!” Lily screamed, “It's Veritaserum! Someone gave it to Severus.”

“Touch her where-“

Professor Slughorn pointed his wand at Severus. “Silencio.”

The boy’s mouth kept moving, but no words came out of his mouth.

“Who did it?” Slughorn asked, his eyes fell on Lily, who was staring at James and Sirius.

“Them!” She pointed at the two boys. “They were asking him questions and… oh God. Look at him!”

They turned to Severus, who was still silently talking. At some point he stopped, and turned to James with mad eyes. He started shouting at him, but silence was the only thing that came out of his mouth.

“Is it true, Mr. Potter? Mr. Black?”

Remus’ eyes widened, Peter looked at him worried. “I made the potion, Professor.” He said immediately, Peter gasped. James and Sirius turned to him.

“I was asking him the questions!” James said, “Remus has nothing to do with it.”

“Who made the potion?” Slughorn asked again.

James sighed, looking first at Sirius then at Remus. “Remus. But I was the one using it, he did nothing.”

“But I-“ Remus started, but professor Slughorn stopped him.

“Alright! Twenty points each from Gryffindor, both of you. And ten from Mr. Black too, who was laughing and having fun here.”

The lesson ended right after that. The four boys ran out of the classroom, and kept running until they reached an empty corridor and stopped in front of the Prefects’ bathroom.

“What did you do?!” Remus asked, they were all trying to catch their breath. James was looking down at his feet.

“I was just asking him some questions!”

“What questions?”

“About Evans.” Sirius answered for him, putting an hand on James’ shoulder. “It was fine, he didn't ask him anything that scandalous, it’s Snivellus’ fault if he’s a pervert.”

Remus sighed, he abandoned himself on the door behind him. "Why do you always have to involve her? She already hates you!"

When he looked up, his friends were looking at him. He kept his gaze on them, then burst out laughing. Peter, James and Sirius started laughing too. Remus covered his face with his hands, "Oh God..."

“You!”

They turned to the voice behind them. Severus was approaching them with furious eyes, his breath quick, Remus could hear his heart almost exploding from beating so fast.

“I’m gonna kill you, you bastard!” He pushed Sirius and James out of his way and faced Remus, who took out his wand.

“Get off me, Snivellus.”

“Asshole! You gave me the potion, didn't you?”

“Yeah,” Remus shrugged, “I did.”

Severus’ eyes were red, so full of anger that Remus almost smirked.

“Piece of shit. You have fun like that, huh? Since I’m telling the truth, you must know that you,” he turned to the others as well, “are the most annoying people of the whole school.”

Sirius laughed, Severus looked at him like his gaze could kill.

“You find it funny, Black? Do you find it funny that your own brother is so ashamed of you that he doesn't even talk to you in public?”

Remus could hear Sirius’ heart beating so fast that it sounded like it was going to explode in his ears.

"Shut the hell up, Sniv-"

“But you, you.” Severus turned to Remus again, their faces so near that Severus’ breath was hitting Remus' skin like fire, burning. “You act like you are the most clever here, but you forget that you’re just an half-blood with no money and a family that probably doesn't give a damn about you.”

“Shut the fuck up, Snivellus. I swear-“

“Try to say that’s not true. You make friends with everyone to fill the lack of love you’ve never felt in your life. Study all day just to keep your mind occupied. Make these stupid pranks just to be appreciated by your rich and annoying friends. If you didn't help them that much, you think they would still be your friends? Of a poor and arrogant half-blood?”

Snape kept talking. Remus didn’t even hear him, just his own heavy breath in his ears. And just the truth in the words Severus was saying.

His heart was beating so fast he could feel the ‘tum’ ‘tum’ ‘tum’ in his skin, his hands starting to shake. He was going to punch the shit out of Snape in matter of seconds if he didn't shut up.

His eyes left Severus’ just to meet the pair of blue ones at his left. Sirius’ eyes were wide open, watching Remus eagerly, with fear in them. When the boy met Remus’ eyes, he slowly shook his head, and his face features seemed to cool down a bit, his eyes never leaving Remus’.

“When Voldemort will have the chance, I hope he kills the four of you first-“

How dare Severus talked about his friends.

Remus was on him the second after, knees on each sides of the boy’s body, which was now lying on the floor. He was punching him like he had never punched anyone in his life. Which was true, actually. He had never punched anyone, but in that moment it felt so easy. Just ‘pum’ ‘pum’ pum’, Severus’ screams filling his ears, his hands bleeding. It was so easy.

It almost felt good.

Severus’ screams kept filling the air, and that seemed to annoy Remus even more. He murmured ’Muffiato’ and kept hitting, until Severus’ eyes started to shut down.

“Remus!” Someone—probably James—tried to push him away from the body, now unconscious, in front of him. “You are going to kill him!”

“Stop it!”

His three friends were able to push him away at once. His body rolled over on the floor with Sirius’ one on top of him. Remus harshly pushed him off and stood up.

“Is he breathing?” Peter asked James, who was too busy watching Remus to care.

“He’s still alive.” Remus said, not breaking the eye contact with James. He could hear Severus’ heart still beating, so he assumed he was alive. His beat was slow, especially compared to the ones of his three friends, who were trying to catch their breath.

“Remus…”

His eyes snapped to Sirius’ ones. Oh no, now his anger really reached the top. He pushed Sirius against the wall, his back hit the surface and Remus kept his hands on his shoulders so he couldn’t move.

“Remus what?! You just watched! While he threw shit at me, you just watched in silence! Or was it the truth, what he said? Was it true? You're friends with me only because you need me?"

"No! Of course not." Peter voice's reached his ears.

"Fuck off! The three of you.”

“Remus-“

“Don’t look for me.” He tried to walk away, but Sirius’ hand on his wrist stopped him. Remus brushed him off again.

“Remus, just stop for a second.”

“Leave me the fuck alone. If you dare try looking for me, I swear you’ll envy Snivellus after I’m done with you.” He didn’t know why he said something like that. He would never hurt his friends. But he just walked away, until his friends’ hearts slowly disappeared from his ears.

He walked around. He still remembered some of the hiding places he had found in his first year of school. He kept walking and walking, not even knowing where he was heading to. He stopped behind a statue and let himself surrender against it.

That’s how he discovered the secret passageway that leads to Hogsmade.

His back hit something, and a small hatch opened in front of him. He was so angry that without thinking he got in and closed the door behind his back. It was all dark, not a single light reaching his eyes.

He just seat there, with his back against the cold wall, his legs bent, too long to be spread out. His hands were covered in blood. He could smell that it was both his and Severus’. He wanted to take it off, to wash away the feeling of it on his skin.

Once they would find out about Snape, he would have to pray not to be kicked out of school.

He spent hours there. Sitting in the dark.

He started walking after a while, his legs hurt, but he kept walking anyway. He reached another hatch, he could smell chocolate.

Remus opened the small door and used his wand to illuminate the place. After hours of dark, his eyes burnt when they saw the light. He found himself on a empty room full of candies and chocolate bars, all of them had the writing ‘Honeydukes’.

Remus was confused. He told himself to think about it another day, and went back to the hatch he had opened hours before.

When he came out of the passageway and saw the statue again, it was dark outside.

When he went back to the Gryffindor Tower, it was dinnertime.

The Common Room was completely empty. His bedroom too. His friends weren't there, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to see them. He decided to skip dinner. The only thing he wanted to do was sleep and never wake up.

He showered, listening to the silence around him. He didn't feel good. He stayed under the hot jet of water, feeling it hit his skin and burn a little.

He tried to do everything not to let his brain think, but ended up doing exactly so.

Remus had a problem, he knew that. A problem related to his anger. Which he had always had, but something had changed in the last year. He didn't know when things had started to change, but something had been annoying him for a while now.

He just felt so angry.

In the back of his mind he knew when everything had started.

There’s a reason why I haven't told you much about Remus’—and Sirius’ as well—third year of school.

Remus’ dad was cheating on his mum.

Remus had figured it out during the summer, a few weeks before the school's start. He found out about it because one day, when he had entered his parents’ bedroom to look for a letter envelope he could use to send Peter a letter, he smelled scent of love. In a sexual way.

He smelled the scent of sex. It was made of his dad’s scent, but not his mum’s. It was the scent of another woman.

Remus had spent the last weeks of summer looking for other evidences about it. He had found them.

He had waited for his dad to admit it, but had been waiting in vain.

When he got into the Hogwarts Express the first of September 1973, something was already starting to change.

He tried to ignore it, but then Kettleburn’s presence at Hogwarts made him angry. Mr. Crims not answering him made him angry. Sharing a room with Sirius made him angry.

Knowing that there was a war going on made him angry.

His friends asking him constantly about the full moons made him angry.

Not being the best one in their new courses made him angry.

And, not finding the stranger woman’s scent at home during the Christmas holidays had made him angry too. So much.

He felt so angry that he found himself crying in the shower, the burning water going down his back like blood covering his body.

Severus’ words had made angry.

No, they had hurt him, which was worse. So he replaced that feeling with anger.

He had probably spent one hour in the shower when he came out. He could feel his friends’ presence just outside the bathroom. 

He had just finished brushing his teeth, when the door opened and Peter came in.

He closed the door and stopped behind Remus. They looked at each other through the reflection of the mirror, then Remus sighed and decided to turn around. He leaned against the sink and crossed his arms to his chest, looking at his feet.

Peter spoke first. “You okay?”

“I’ve been better.”

“Yeah, figured.” Peter kept moving, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “We’ve brought you up some food from dinner, thought you would be hungry.” The boy smiled at him, “Like always.”

Remus gave him a small smile too, a part of him happy to hear that. Of course they had thought about him, even if he had been a prat to them.

“I’m sorry-“ They said it at the same time, both of them arching an eyebrow at the other.

“What are you sorry about?” Peter was the first to ask, Remus was about to ask the same question.

“Uhm… punching Severus?” He watched his hands, now clean from the blood. He could still see it, though. “Well, not sorry about that, actually. I’m sorry I screamed at you guys. I was angry about what he had said, and told you these things.”

“Don’t. Don't apologise. You were right. I mean- We should have told him to stop, or punched him ourselves. He- The things he said, they were bad. I was petrified. I’m sorry. And, they weren't true. Of course they weren't true.”

“It’s fine, Pete.” Remus looked away.

“No.” Peter said firmly, looking like he had never been more serious. “You are not- You are not like that, Remus. Like he has described you. You’re an amazing person. You always help everyone, and never complain about it. You are a good friend, Remus. And we're your friends because of that, because you're the best. Because we love you.” Peter’s words felt real, true. He was searching something else to say. Remus knew that they were real. He didn’t have a script ready that he could read, he was being sincere. Awkward and sincere. He was being Peter.

“Listen, we’re glad that you’re our friend, Remus. So glad. Not because we need to use you or for the other bullshit Snape said, but because you have a kind heart. Because you’re true. I am glad you’re my friend.”

“Pete.”

“You’re my best friend, you know. I can't imagine my life without you in it. Because you always make me feel special. Not just me. Everyone around you.”

Remus didn’t know what to say. Just Thank you. Thank you, hoping it was enough.

“What happened with Snape, we took care of it. Sirius used a spell that healed Snape's injures, he knew some of them. Then we brought him to Madam Pomfrey, since he was still unconscious. Sirius told her he was the one who had beaten him. Three months of detention with McGonagall, but it could be worse. At least, he said so.”

Remus was confused. “Sirius? He said he did it? Why?”

“Yeah, I didn't understand why either.”

Remus hugged Peter. Peter didn’t know what to do at first, but then he just hugged him back, his hands on Remus’ back.

“Thank you.” Was all Remus said. “You didn't need to do all that. I’ll talk to Sirius, and I’ll tell McGonagall it was me. And I’ll apology to the others too. But really, thank you.”

Peter smiled and hugged him tightly. "Love you."

*****

James was already asleep when Remus and Peter went to bed. Sirius saw Remus write something on a piece of paper and place it on James’ nightstand. Then wrote something in another piece of paper and went to put it on Sirius’ nightstand. Sirius was waiting for him.

"Oh, you're awake."

"Yeah, uhm, Remus, I wanted to apologise to you-"

"You shouldn't have told McGonagall that it was your fault."

"No. I had to. I- I really want you to forgive me for what I said last year. I don't know if you think that I have a problem with you being a werewolf, but I don't. Maybe I made you think that I do, but I don't. I- I might not like you that much, but I don't want you to feel like you're not welcomed here, in your own room, because of me. I hope you'll forgive me for making you feel this way."

Remus just stared down at him, he hid the piece of paper behind his back and, whatever he was about to say, he changed his mind and just said: "I forgive you."

*****

“Lily?”

Almost two weeks after the Veritaserum prank, Remus took enough courage to talk to Lily. He saw her sitting alone in the library, she had her History of Magic book in front of her, frowning eyebrows and a pencil in her mouth.

It was the hardest course for her. Before the prank, she usually asked Remus to help her, now she didn't even look up when he walked near her.

She looked up, her eyes met his for just a second, then she looked down again. "Remus."

“Can I sit with you?” Remus asked anyway, his saliva fell down his throat loudly.

Lily shrugged, “Do what you want.”

She kept ignoring him, reading her book and underlining phrases with her pencil. Remus just kept looking at her in silence.

“What do you want, Remus?”

“Apologise to you.”

She met his eyes again. Remus was trying so hard not to look down. He was kind of afraid of her.

“Apologise?”

“For the prank. The one we did on Sni-Severus.”

“Well, apology to him, not to me.”

Remus’ face contorted in disgust. “I’m not talking with that prat.”

She went back to her book, Remus sighed.

“Look, I’m apologising to you because I don’t care about him, I care about you. If he hates me, fine, I couldn't care less. If you hate me, I care.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“It seems like you do.”

“Well, I don’t. Of course I don’t, don’t be stupid.”

“So why don't you wanna talk with me?”

Lily sighed and closed her book. They stayed in silence after that, sometimes looking at each other, sometimes looking down at their hands. Both embarrassed and confused.

“Why are you four so mean to Severus?” She asked finally.

Remus realised he hadn't an answer for that.

“I don't know. I guess we don't have a reason. Or at least, I don’t. I’m just a prick who likes to put pranks on Slytherins.”

“You’re not a prick. Your friends? Maybe. You? No.”

Remus shook his head, “You’re wrong. I'm no different from them. If they’re pricks, I’m a prick too. They’re good guys. You just don’t want to see over their blood status, Lily.”

Lily seemed embarrassed again, now she was the one who didn't want meet his eyes. “How can you? I mean, ignore their blood status.” She asked, genuinely.

“I don’t have any brother or sister, but them, they’re like brothers to me. They’re family. Sometimes more than my actual family.”

“They don’t, like, make you feel inferior? Because you grow up in the muggle world?”

Remus shook his head, “No, they don't care about it. Really. They had never made me feel inferior for my blood status, even if Sirius’s a Black. James neither, and Peter is an half-blood too. So…”

“Okay.” She simply said, “But, it seems like they don’t even care that they’re here, at Hogwarts. We do. Me and you, we have to study if we want recognition. They don’t need to.”

Remus shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. But you think it would different in the muggle world? I’m poor here, I’m poor in the muggle world too. It’s not like there would be any difference for me if I wasn't there. I would have to work my ass off anyway. It’s not James or Sirius’ fault if they were born in healthy families and I didn’t.”

It had taken him a while to understand that, but now he was sure of it. If you had asked first year Remus that, he would have told you a total different answer. Now, he had never been more sure of what he had just said.

“You’re smart enough to understand that too, Lily. Right?”

“I guess.” She smiled at him, “Not smart enough as you, though.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Well, you wouldn't have any problems with that History of Magic essay. I do.”

“I can help you,” he said, confidently, the added “if you want me to.”

Lily squeezed in her shoulders. “Yeah, okay.”

“Okay.” Remus simply said, moving his chair closer to Lily’s.

“And,” he added, before she could even open her textbook, “about Severus. I- I don't know why I did it, that prank. I mean, that one prank. Because the others were just fun things, nothing serious. But this one, I- I have bad memories related to Veritaserum, so I don't know why I gave it to him. I just…”

He didn't know how to say it. Nights before, he had tried to talk about it with Peter, but failed. The words couldn’t come out of his mouth.

“I just feel so angry all the time.” He simply said, looking down at his hands.

Lily placed a hand on top of his. She stayed silent for a moment, then said: “Don’t we all? You’re just thirteen, almost fourteen, don’t blame yourself for it, Remus.”

“No, I know but- I don't know how to explain it.”

She touched his hand slowly, “You don't have to. Take your time. And, when you'll know how to explain it, if you want to, you can try to tell me, or your friends, about it.”

“Okay.” He said.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

“Okay.” He said again. "Thank you."

And then they began working on Lily’s History of Magic essay.

*****

“I found it after the fight with Severus,” Remus said, “I think it leads to Hogsmade. Honeydukes. It’s amazing.” He said happily. Sirius smiled too.

They were in this dark passageway, the four of them. They had been walking for a while now, but if they were really going to Hogsmade, then it made sense. He, James and Peter just followed Remus without questions.

Sirius had noticed that he was happy lately. Remus.

It was a few weeks after James’ birthday. The full moon had just passed, but Remus was happy anyway. He usually was all grumpy and annoying the days before and after a full moon. But right now he was happy.

Sirius almost found himself happy too.

When they reached the end of the tunnel and got out, they really found themselves on the cellar of Honeydukes. They had James’ invisibility cloak with them and managed to get out of the shop under it without being noticed.

Peter suggested to go to the Three Broomsticks Inn, but Remus said that Rosmerta would recognise them and tell McGonagall about it. How clever was he.

They went to Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop. It was smaller than the Three Broomsticks Inn, but almost empty, so they had no difficulty in finding a table. Usually Hogwarts couples went there on dates, but since it wasn't an Hogsmade weekend, no students were there.

Madam Puddifoot brought them four cups of tea and four chocolate muffins. The atmosphere of the small tea shop was nice.

“Anyway,” James said at some point, “Remus, you’re a genius.”

Remus looked up with his mouth full of muffin. “Mmph I kno’, bu’ why?” He tried to say, an hand in front of his mouth.

“You’re disgusting.” Peter told him, Remus flipped him off.

“Because you found that passageway!” James said. “I’m sure we’re the only ones who know about it.”

“I know some other hiding places and passageways too.” Remus said, his mouth now empty. “That’s just the first I’m telling you about.”

“You know I’m falling in love with you, Remus?” James tried to kiss his cheek. Remus laughed and shrugged him off.

“Get off.”

“I’m already in love with him, get in line.” Peter took part into the conversation.

“Everyone’s in love with him, there's not a line.” James replied.

“Shut up, oh my God.” Remus covered his face with his hands just for a second, exasperated. Then kicked both James and Peter in the chest with his hand.

James took a sip from his tea. “We should, like, draw the secret passageways on a map and be the only ones who know about them. Like a secret map just for marauders.”

“The marauder’s map?” Peter asked, still massaging his chest with his hand.

“Yep. The marauder’s map. Only marauders can use it.”

“That’s” Remus started, a hand under his chin, “a great idea, actually.”

Sirius smirked. “Of course it is, it’s James’.”

James high-fived him.

“We use one of the maps of the school and add the passageways. Just for us. Our version of the Hogwarts’ map.” James seemed really interested in the subject. He leaned forward and looked at Remus with hope.

“Yeah, we can do that.” Remus declared and they all smiled.

“We really are the coolest people of Hogwarts.” Peter said and Sirius smirked up at him.

“Cheers, Pete.” They made their cups touch and smirked.

Remus and James joined their toast and they all drank.

“Mmmh, hot tea with berries. What a toast.” Sirius said, finishing his cup. He still had to eat half of his muffin, he realised.

“We’re in the den of couples, what did you expect?” Remus finished his tea and made himself comfortable in his sit. His eyes on the boy with black hair. Sirius didn't know why, but had to look away.

“Surely not to see Peter with Mary.” James answered, and Remus and Sirius burst out laughing. Peter frowned.

“Again? I already told you that I don’t fancy her.” He rolled his eyes. “Maybe we’ll see Remus with Lily.” He added, both Remus and Sirius stopped laughing.

“What do you mean?” Remus arched an eyebrow.

Sirius cleared his throat. “Well… you do spend a lot of time with her. You have nothing to tell us?”

Remus narrowed his eyes, annoyed. “We’re just friends. God damn, you always say something like that. Why can't you understand that I can have girl friends and not like them in a romantic way? Jesus.”

Peter started saying “Who’s Jesus-“ while Sirius tried to say “Sorry” while James said “Here, you annoyed him again. He was in his happy mode today.”

Remus caught all of them. “Jesus is a muggle myth, I don't know. God’s son, if you’re religious…”

“…Who’s God…”

“…Stop apologising Sirius if you keep doing it…”

“…Sorry, Remus…”

“…And, what do you mean with ‘happy mode’?”

James rubbed the back of his neck. “Uhm, you know, you’re not always so…mh, happy. Like, some days you’re annoyed with everything. Some days you’re more joyful.”

“You’re quite moody, we can say.” Sirius said, hoping not to piss him off.

Remus looked down. “Er, I know. Sorry, it’s the moon. My mood changes more quickly around the full moon.”

Sirius smirked, not caring anymore if he pissed Remus off. “You’re always like that, actually, but if you want to blame it on the moon…”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Moody for the moon,” Peter said, grinning. “Did you make it up?”

Remus was shocked. “What? No. It’s true. I’m more vulnerable the days before and after the full moon. Or ‘moody’, if you like it more.”

James placed an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “We should call you Moody rather than Remus. Or since you blame it on the moon, ‘Moony’.”

Sirius was now laughing. “Please, can we call him Moony?”

“Please don’t.” Remus simply said, but Peter and James were already nodding.

“It’s not bad!” Peter screamed, “Actually, it is good. Try to say it, it sounds good.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, “it’s a cool name.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I mean, I don't like Remus that much, but Moony…”

“Jesrut,” Peter said, “it’s sound so good. Moony. Moony.”

“Jesrut?”

“Yeah, the guy you mentioned earlier.”

“It’s Jesus…”

“Moony. Mmmoony. Moonyyy.” Sirius kept repeating, James joined him.

“Moonyyyy, Moony, Moony. Listen, it sounds so good!”

”Are you serious…”

“So?” Peter asked, turning to Remus. James and Sirius turned to him and waited with big smiles on their faces.

“Well,” Remus started saying. He closed his eyes and sighed. “Fine, it’s not that bad. I might actually like it.”

“Yes!” James, who still had his arm around his shoulders, hugged him from the side and messed up his hair. Remus tried to get him off, his voice could be heard against James’ chest, but he ignored it. “Our Moony.”

“Shut up.” Remus said when he came out from under James’ arms. His breath fast.

“Our Moony.” Peter repeated and raised his empty tea cup. Sirius and James raised them as well.

“Our Moony.”

(That was the first time they called him by that nickname, which Remus would later come to love more and more. It was the first time they thought about creating the Marauder’s map. And the last time Remus minded talking about girls.)

Chapter Text

REMUS

“That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”
-The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger

The Sunflower; Klimt (1907)

*****

Remus’ parents divorced two weeks after his return home from Hogwarts.

They didn't tell him the details of the whole thing, but he thought that his mum had probably found out about his father cheating. It was him, Lyall, who left their house.

His mum cried that night. Remus could hear her, even though she had done everything not to be heard. He went into her room and hugged her. It was the first time in years that he felt her close to him again.

She was a strong woman. Remus admired her.

His feelings for his father changed.

When Remus was a child, he used to look up at him and said to himself ‘one day, I’m going to be like him.’ Now, Lyall had stopped being that little boy’s role model. Remus told himself that he would rather die than cheat on the person he loved. Sure, his mum hadn't taught him how to hate, but, if this was the example he had to look up to, then his father hadn't taught how to love. 

It was hard, seeing his mum losing herself.

She started smoking again. She told Remus that she had stopped when he was born and hadn't touched a cigarette for fourteen years, almost fifteen. But now she always needed one. Remus understood.

One night he started smoking too.

The first time he tried to smoke, it was a night full of stars and he was alone in the balcony outside his bedroom. He had stolen a cigarette from his mum’s pocket and decided to light it up after reading the end of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. He didn't cough, probably because he had seen his mum doing it so many times that it almost felt easy.

At first, he smoked one or two cigs every night, alone in his balcony, with hot air mixed with smoke on his face. Then he started smoking everywhere, anytime. Sometimes also with his mum. She never complained about it, so he just kept doing it. He was fourteen.

His friends sent him letters. Sometimes he replied, sometimes he forgot. He had nothing to say. And their friends always said the same things. James was playing quidditch. Peter was being obliged by James to play with him and complained about it. Sirius also wrote him twice. On the second letter he sent, at the end there was written “The new David Bowie’s album’s fire. Like every other album of his. But this one’s amazing. You liked it?”

Remus never answered, though. And Sirius didn't write to him again.

Maybe it wasn't clear to Sirius that they were not friends. Remus had no intention to become his friend. He still found Sirius a selfish and arrogant prick who was friend with someone only when he needed to. Remus didn't like that kind of people.

He spent his days listening to Diamond Dogs and Queen II on repeat, rereading his favourite books again, analysing them. He learned how to play the piano again, his dad had taught him how to play when he was six or seven, but Remus had forgotten almost everything. He went to the cinema a lot.

He played the piano. Studied new spells. Crossed his father's office, which was now empty, with big steps, a book in his hands, a cigarette in his mouth, and Rock ’n’ Roll with Me playing in his ears.

On the full moons, his father came to their house and kept Remus in the attic with a spell, making sure he couldn't escape from here. The morning after, he medicated his wounds and Remus then told him he could leave. Lyall tried to talk to him, but Remus always said he was too tired and just went to sleep. When he woke up again hours later, his father was gone.

He tried to think about what had happened during the night, while he was in his wolf form. But nothing. He remembered nothing. Usually, the mornings after, Kettleburn sent him a letter and asked him how he felt.

Selfishly, he couldn't wait to go back to school and see Madam Pomfrey. Luckily, the full moons that summer had been just two. The third one was on the second of September, his second day at school.

He had let his hair grow. Bought new clothes with his mum. He was taller. His voice changed, became deeper.

Hope kept looking at him and smiling. Remus liked to see her happy. He made her breakfast in the morning, cooked her lunch and dinner when she came home from work, or simply left a plate of food in the fridge for when she came home late at night. He sometimes watched her. She had these lost eyes, this tired face. He tried to help and got a few jobs too.

He replaced a cashier at the supermarket for a few weeks. Helped in a restaurant. Sold some of his father's old records.

He also helped their old neighbour, lady Mariborn, who was too old to go to the grocery shop herself. Remus bought her food and everything she needed. Sometimes she made him stay in her house with her and just talk. She was just lonely. She had read a lot of books when she was at school, she told him, and they sometimes talked about them. She let him borrow some of her books too. Remus didn’t mind spending time with her. He was alone too, actually. His mum was always at work, his father was gone, his friends lived in London. Call him boring if you want, but he really liked her.

Remus also met her nephews, one day. They were one year older than him, two twins, a boy and a girl, Elle and Louis. They were cool. They didn’t visit their grandma that often, but when they did they liked spending time with Remus. He spent August with them. They smoked with him, made him try alcohol, listened to the same music that Remus loved. Louis played the electric guitar and Elle was an art lover. Louis’ favourite singer was Stevie Wonder and Elle could talk about Caravaggio and Velazquez’s paintings for hours. Remus wasn't really a fan of Stevie Wonder, but started appreciating him more. And started realising how interesting art could be. Remus really liked the two twins.

He never mentioned them in his letters to the Marauders.

He found Elle pretty. But he didn’t know if he wanted to kiss her or if he just liked her in a friendly way. She was always nice to him. Sometimes she touched his shoulder, or his waist, or held eye contact with him for whole minutes. Remus had tried to imagine her naked, wasn’t sure if he liked her in that way.

On the last day of summer break, his father came to their house to say good luck. Remus didn’t talk all morning. He sat there in the couch, while his mum and his father talked with a cup of tea in front of them. She was smiling. Remus didn’t understand. He had cheated on her, Remus could smell the other woman’s scent while they drank tea. He didn’t understand how his mum could smile. 

Before leaving, his father told him to say hi to mr. Kettleburn for him. Remus just nodded.

Lyall looked at him for a moment. “You’re really mad at me?”

Remus’ eyes darted up and met his. “What do you think?”

“I’m sorry.”

Then he left.

That night Hope told him: “You shouldn’t hate your dad. You should understand that we didn’t love each other anymore, it was the best thing for both of us to get divorced.”

For you, but for me? Have you thought about me? He wanted to ask, but didn’t. He just said: “I don’t hate him.”

“Hate’s not a good thing.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know. You already told me that. Multiple times. Hate doesn’t exist and all that. I know.”

“But do you believe it?”

He took one of her cigarette and lit it up. She didn’t comment.

After a moment, he nodded. “Yeah, I believe it. I like to believe it. That hate doesn’t exist.”

She smiled.

When he went to his room, he draw with a white pencil the phases of the moon on his black boots, an old pair of his dad’s. Ironical. Remus smirked to himself when he finished his art. He smoked two other cigarettes and went to bed.

*****

On the first of September 1974, only Hope accompanied Remus to the Platform 9¾. They took the train from Bristol to London and arrived just in time for Remus to run against the wall between platform nine and ten.

He had tried to convince her to stay at home, that he could go alone, but she kept saying that she wanted to make sure he arrived there safe.

When they arrived in front of the Hogwarts Express, the first person Remus saw was Lily. She was with her parents and her sister, who was completely different from Lily and seemed like she’d rather die than be there. Remus waved to his friend, who smiled back at him.

“Is that one of your friends?” His mum asked, she was smiling softly at her son, who was now taller than her. “Or…your girlfriend, maybe?”

“No, of course not.” He looked at Lily again, she was now hugging her parents. Her sister didn’t take part in the hug, and Remus shook his head again. “She’s just a friend.”

“It’s normal for boys your age to start having crushes on girls,” she smiled again, “you don’t have to be embarrassed about it-“

“Remus!”

Thankfully, Peter’s voice put an end to his mum ‘girls talk’. Remus smiled at his friend and patted his arm. No hugs. First rule of their friendship, especially with Peter, who seemed to have an identity crisis if you hugged him.

“Pete. I've missed you. How are you, mate?”

“I missed you so much. Bastard, you never answered my letters! I'm fine, thank you. This is my mum.” He turned to a middle aged woman who didn’t seem too enthusiastic to be there that day.

“And this is mine.” He looked at the woman in her thirties next to him and smiled at Peter. The two women shook hands and then it was already time to say goodbye.

Remus hugged his mum and got into the train with Peter, looking for Sirius and James, whom they found in their usual carriage.

“Boys!” James stood up and shook their hands. No hugs.

They were fourteen now.

Sirius looked up and his eyes lit up. He smiled and lifted his chin. “Good to see you, fuckers.”

It was good to be back.

“Remus! You didn’t tell us your mum was so hot!” Peter said, sitting down next to Sirius. Remus sat near James.

“Shut up, Pete.” He closed his eyes disgusted, “That's a gross thing to say.”

“She seems, like, in her thirties.”

“She is in her thirties.”

“How old?” Peter kept asking.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Thirty-four.”

“Seriously?!” James’ eyes widened, he placed his feet on Sirius’ legs, in front of him. Sirius didn’t complain. “My parents are way older. My mum got me at forty-two. It was a bit late, didn’t even expect to get pregnant.”

“My mum’s forty-two now.” Peter started, but was interrupted by Sirius’s sigh.

“Can we stop talking about our mothers?”

James nodded, he looked for a few galleons in his pocket. “Yeah. Let’s talk about food. Did you bring anything? Should I call the trolley lady?”

Remus’ eyes fell out the window one last time. He looked at the train station, completely full of people, before the train took off.

He looked at his mum one last time.

And that's when he saw her for the first (second) time. Remus’ breath caught in his throat.

He swore that he had never seen a girl that cool. She was even cooler than Elle. And it was hard to beat her.

She entered the train just in time, running lightly, her hair moving slow. Remus turned to the carriage door, and a second later he saw her again. She was turning her back to the Marauders' cabin, probably talking to someone she had found right in front of their door.

Her hair was blond and short. Not Marlene’s blond, but lighter. Almost white. And not Mary’s short, but shoulder length. Now a bit messy, probably because she had ran.

The best thing was her clothes. And now Remus couldn’t even see them because the door was covering her body. But he was sure she lived in the muggle world. When he had seen her ten seconds before, her red wide-leg pants covered almost completely her black boots. Now, he could see her black turtleneck and a burgundy leather jacket over her shoulders.

The others clearly hadn’t noticed her, they were too busy talking about quidditch, and Remus frowned when she disappeared.

Mary opened the door a moment later, Remus’ eyes met hers immediately, since he was still looking at the door, hoping to see the girl appear again. 

“Hi, Mary.”

She stared at him for a moment, then looked away smiling. “Hi, Remus. Can we sit with you?”

Marlene appeared behind her and smiled at Remus as well. It was the first time the two girls sat with them. 

“Of course,” James replied, his eyes seemed to be looking for something—or someone—behind them. “Is Evans coming too?”

But Mary ignored him and turned to Remus again. “Oh God, you are way hotter than the last time I saw you last year, Remus. What have you eat this summer?”

“Oh, shut up.” He smirked up at her and she took the seat next to him. Marlene sat next to Peter.

“What about us?” Asked Sirius, he was looking right at Remus, who didn’t even notice, since he was too busy looking at Mary. She was still the same, a beautiful girl with short brown hair, the curliest he had ever seen. Her skin was light brown and freckles covered her cheeks and nose. He had never thought of her in a romantic way, but she really was beautiful.

“What about you?” Mary turned to Sirius.

“Are we hotter too?”

She pursed her lips, “I guess. This summer break has treated you all well.”

The other Marauders grinned at her, James looking around. Remus couldn't understand why, but he asked again: “Where’s Evans?” Since when James cared so much about Lily?

Marlene wrinkle her nose. “Talking to Severus.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah.”

“So.” Mary changed the subject again, “How was your summer?”

It was going to be a great year. 

*****

During dinner, Remus realised that the girl he had seen in the train was a Ravenclaw. She was sitting in front of him, in the table near their, talking with a girl Remus didn't know.

His head happened to turn to her more often than expected.

His friends noticed nothing. He couldn't understand how. She was stunning. Every movement of her blond hair caught his eyes and he couldn't look away.

She met his eyes at some point. Remus looked away embarrassed, grabbed his glass without thinking and took a sip of nothing. It was empty. When he looked up she was still looking at him with a confused face. He immediately turned to Sirius, who was sitting next to him and made up something.

“Uhm, so, tonight's one of our Marauders’ nights in the Common Room?”

Sirius turned to him too, “Of course, what else?”

“You have Diamond Dogs?”

“Of course.” Sirius kept talking. Good. “Fucking love the album. Regulus was tired to listen to Rebel Rebel this summer.”

“It’s amazing.” Remus just replied. Then returned to his roasted potatoes. His head was somewhere else, but he couldn't look up. He couldn’t.

When they went back to their dormitory, they stayed together in front of the fireplace, Remus seated between Marlene and Lily. The first was talking with Peter about God knows what, and Lily was talking to him, telling him that she had had a fought with her sister that morning. She was upset about it. And Remus liked to listen, so he just let her talk.

Sirius was sitting next to James, drawing in his notebook. He looked up once in a while.

Mary, at some point, whispered in Remus’ ear. “Hey. My cousin gave me some weed yesterday.”

He looked up, already smiling. “What?”

Twenty minutes later, she and Remus had smoked the entire pit up in his bedroom. They went downstairs smiling.

“Did you two fuck upstairs?” Marlene asked them, Mary went to kiss her forehead.

Lily’s eyes widened, “You two smoked the whole thing? Just the two of you?”

Remus smiled in response. “None of you wanted to smoke.”

Mary took Sirius’ record and put Future Legend on. Between their friends, other than them, only Sirius and Lily recognised the album.

The two of them got up and sang and danced together, while the others were still talking on the couch. Some other students that probably lived in the muggle world and were still in the Common Room recognised the album as well and joined them. It was nice. Remus and Mary danced with them. Lily kept looking at them and shaking her head, a small smile on her lips.

At some point Sirius went to the howlery to send a letter, Remus hadn't even noticed that he was gone.

He came back when their group was the only one left in the Common Room. Remus was still humming the songs with one arm around Mary’s shoulders. They had put on Hunky Dory now.

“They’re still dancing?” Sirius asked the ones on the couch, who nodded. James made space for him. Sirius didn't sit down, though. Just stood between the couch and where Remus and Mary were dancing.

“Everything okay?” James asked over the music, which wasn't that loud, since it was almost midnight and people were already sleeping.

Sirius nodded and hid his notebook behind his back. “Yes, everything okay. Is it my Hunky Dory?”

“Yes, borrowed it, sorry.” Remus nodded. “Do you mind?”

Sirius’ eyes seemed to be more focused on Remus’ arm around Mary shoulders than on the question itself. “No, no.” He looked away. “Could have asked, though”

“Uhm… Sorry?” Remus didn't know what to say. Could Sirius just let them have fun? Fuck’s sake. Remus just wanted to have fun.

“It’s fine.”

“It’s that, like, an habitual thing for you to do?” Mary asked, she turned to Remus. Their faces were just inches away.

“You mean listening to music together?” Remus asked smiling, “Yeah? Me, Pete, and James, and Sirius basically spend every night here in the Common Room listening to David Bowie, right Sirius? He has all his records. My mum doesn’t let me take mine, she wanna listen to them at home. She loves David Bowie. I'm my mama's son.”

Mary smiled, happily. “If I knew you were here listening to David Bowie I would have joined you earlier.”

“Well,” Remus looked at Sirius for support, but Sirius wasn't looking at him, so he looked at James and Peter. “You can start joining us now, right boys?”

Sirius’ eyes snapped up.

“Can I join too?” Lily asked, and that somehow caught James’ ears, because after that he said: “Why don't we spend our evenings in the Common Room all together? A lot of other students stay there till late anyway. We put on some music, talk or play chess. Like a group.”

“Yeah, I’m tired of going to bed at nine.” Mary agreed. The others seemed to like the idea too.

Sirius didn’t say anything and sat on the couch with the others. They finished listening to the album then went to bed. They still had to unpack, but they would think about it the day after. Which was a full moon, Remus had almost forgotten.

For now, their first day as four years was over.

*****

It had become an habit for the Marauders to visit Remus in the hospital wing the morning after the full moon.

Remus didn't like it, because he didn't want his friends to see him like this. Weak. But they went anyway, no matter what he told them. They were great friends. Remus knew that. And was glad to have them.

That morning, he woke up less tired than usual. Maybe because he wasn't at home anymore. Maybe because even his wolf self knew that the morning after there would have been Madam Pomfrey taking care of him, and not Lyall. Maybe because, after all, he wanted to see his friends next to his bed once he woke up.

“Moony.” James’ voice was the first he heard when he opened his eyes. The three boys were standing next to his bed, looking down at him. “How you feeling?”

He looked up at them. “Good. Tired.”

“We’ll let you sleep, don't worry.” Peter said, Remus’ eyes moved to him. “We just brought you something for breakfast.”

James was holding a plate full of food in his hands. He put it down on the nightstand next to Remus. 

Remus smiled at them. “Thanks.”

They sat on three chairs in front of him. There were three French toasts, one croissant, three different types of biscuits and a cup of tea with lemon. Remus eat everything.

“Lessons begin in two days, what are y'all going to do while we’re free?” Peter asked, he handed Remus a chocolate frog. 

“I still have to finish my homework.” James sighed.

“Me too.” Sirius sighed too. The sound of the chocolate frog being eaten by Remus could be heard around them.

“I’ve finished everything.” Peter added, looking at Remus, “You too, right?”

“Of course.” James, Sirius and Remus said at the same time. Remus flipped them off.

“I think I can come back to our dormitory.” He said, changing the subject. “I feel good this morning. And I want to finish my book before lessons start.”

“You mean that piece of brick that was on your bed this morning?” James asked.

“Yeah, Anna Karenina.”

“You’re crazy, Moony.”

“It’s just a book.”

“No, it’s a brick that could kill someone if you threw it at them.”

“'And what is the use of a book,' thought Alice, 'without pictures or conversations?'” He replied, quoting Alice's adventures in Wonderland. But his friends didn't seem to get the reference.

“Who’s Alice?” Asked Peter, arching his eyebrow.

He sat up. “It’s from a book. Alice's adventures in Wonderland.”

“Never heard of it.”

“Me neither.”

Remus sighed. “Alright, let me get changed and we can go back to the Gryffindor dormitory.”

Madam Pomfrey came to see him, making sure that he could go back to his dorm. He told her he was feeling fine.

A little doubtful, she let him go.

Before he could even reach the Gryffindor tower, they were stopped in front of the Cure of Magical Creatures classroom by Professor Kettleburn's voice.

“Remus!” The four boys turned to him, he was leaning against the doorframe, smiling. “How are you?”

“Good morning, Professor.” Remus nodded, “I’m good, thank you.”

“I was thinking about you. Would you like to have a chat in my office? If you’re free, of course.” He looked at the three boys and smiled, “Obviously, if you already have plans with your friends, you should go. It’s still sunny, my younger self would want to spend the day outside too.”

“I’m free now.” Remus replied, turning to his friends. “I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Yes.” They all nodded and Remus said goodbye to them before following Kettleburn into his office.

Everything was still the same. The same desk, same library, same books on the shelves. Remus sat down in front of the desk and Kettleburn put on some tea before sitting down too.

"I loved observing magical creatures at your age. That's probably when I started having a passion for the subject I teach. Was always reading Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Good times." He smiled at Remus. “So, how was last night?”

“The same as always.”

“Do you want to rest? Am I on your way?”

“Oh no, I’ve already slept a few hours earlier. I’m feeling good this morning, really.”

Kettleburn poured them two cups of tea. Remus thanked him.

“I’ve heard about your parents’ divorce. I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s not easy for you to go through it. How do you feel about it?”

Remus wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it. He never did. He hadn’t told anyone, not even Peter.

He shrugged and said: “It’s shit.”

Kettleburn didn’t comment on his language.

“Well,” the Professor said after a while, “I wanted to tell you that Mr. Crims, I already mentioned him to you next year, remember? During the summer he has written a book about lycanthropy. I know you probably already know enough things about the subject, but if you want to read it I have a copy for you. I think there’s a interesting chapter that talks about technics that werewolves use to make their wolf self calmer during the transformation. If you think this might help you, here’s the book.”

He got up and looked for something in his bag, then handed a red book to Remus, who grabbed it and studied the cover. ‘The Creatures of the Night’ He found the title funny for no reason. But right after that, he thought about what Kettleburn had just said.

“What do you mean with ‘make their wolf self calmer during the transformation’?”

“It’s really interesting. A lot of people have tried to do so and actually made it work. You just need to practice an hobby or something you like to do before the transformation. It’s the tenth chapter, I think, you should read about it. Maybe try too, if you want.”

Remus kept looking at the red book in his hands, thinking. He found himself interested in the subject. It was kind of funny that he, a werewolf, had to read a book about werewolves, but here he was. He flipped through the pages and read the titles of the chapters. Two caught his attention. Mood swings during the week of the full moon, and Magic wounds made during the transformation. Beside the one about Ways to make the transformation less painful that Kettleburn had just mentioned.

“Thank you, Professor.”

Kettleburn smiled at him. “Come to my office every time you need something, yeah? I’ll let you go now, go have fun with your friends.”

“Thanks,” Remus said again and smiled too. “I’ll see you in class.”

“Yes. See you, Remus.”

He went back to his dorm and found his friends in their bedroom, doing nothing, just talking. It was nice. Remus sat down in Peter’s bed and took part in the conversation.

They spent the rest of their free days before lessons’ start like this. James and Sirius finished their homework, Peter finished to unpack his things, and Remus finished his book.

*****

On the third day of classes, when he reached the door of the Care of Magical Creatures classroom, he was already thrilled, but once his eyes fell on a head of short blond hair, he held his breath.

She was sitting alone, her head bent down on a notebook.

Remus had decided to sit in the first row, but when he saw the empty chair next to her, he changed his mind. He stopped in front of the door and looked at her. She didn’t even notice him. After a minute, Remus found enough courage and walked there.

Too late to go back now.

“Hi.” He said, trying to smile. She looked up. “Is that seat free?”

Her eyes were green and big, her lower lip between her teeth. Red lipstick and long eyelashes. “Yeah.” She looked around, “Like all the other seats of the classroom, since I’m the only one here.”

That was, in fact, true. No one was there, all the seats were free.

So why would he sit right there? He panicked.

“Yeah, but that’s the only one last row near the window, isn’t it?” He said, his hands looking for something to grab and throw against the wall. He smiled again.

“Fair enough.”

Then he sat down.

People began to enter the classroom a few minutes later, and fast enough the room was almost full.

“Remus! I thought you were going to sit with me.” Mary’s voice caught his attention. She sat in the empty chair in front of him and his cheeks started to burn. Oh God…

“I thought you were with Lily…”

“Yeah, Mary, did you want to abandon me?” Lily sat down next to her, Remus mentally thanked her.

“Ugh, you always distract me! And honestly, I needed to copy Remus’ notes.”

He rolled his eyes, he could feel a pair of green eyes on him. Act cool, c’mon.

“You’ll copy them anyway, Mary. Lily will too. As if you don’t already do that with every other of our courses.” He smirked, his two friends smiled at him.

"We love you."

Mary sat next to Lily, in front of the blond girl. She didn't even notice her. “I love when boys are smart. They’re so hot.”

“Shut up, Mary.” He looked away, lightly embarrassed. What would green eyes though of him? She was probably thinking about getting up and change seat.

“Did you read the book we had to read during the summer?” Mary asked again, and he just nodded. Stop making me look like some boring nerd. “Bollocks, of course you did. Am I the only one who didn’t?”

“I didn’t.” Green eyes said, and they all turned to her. Lily and Mary noticed her for the first time

“Then I won’t have detention alone.” Mary smiled and Remus saw a small smile on Green eyes’ face too. “You’re Viola, right?”

“Right. Sorry, I don’t remember your name…”

“Mary.”

“Mary, right. Sorry.”

“And this is Lily.” Lily smiled awkwardly and they shook hands. “And this’s Remus, of course.”

He reached out his hand, she met his eyes again. “Nice to meet you.”

Viola nodded and shook his hand. She was even more pretty now that they looked at each other from this close.

She was wearing the Ravenclaw uniform, and was in his class, so she was his same age. He wondered why he had never seen or noticed her around the years before.

Professor Kettleburn entered the room before he could think of something to say to her. They spent the rest of the lesson in complete silence, and as soon as the class ended, she disappeared immediately and left Remus alone with Mary and Lily, who, thank God, proposed to spend their next free hour outside near the lake, doing nothing. He was glad they weren’t already full of things to study, he enjoyed these free moments with his friends.

Of course, he would try to find some information about Viola later.

*****

He did found something about her.

Remus observed her in the Great Hall, and also found out she had some classes with him and his friends: Potions, Runes and Herbology. And Care of Magical Creatures, of course. She was always with a girl, Dorcas Meadowes, another Ravenclaw who played quidditch. Marlene knew her, so Remus asked her if she knew Viola too. It turned out that Marlene didn’t, but Mary did. They had gone to the same muggle primary school in London. They weren't close, but Mary remembered her very well.

She was a muggleborn, younger daughter of a rich family of lawyers. 

So, of course, Remus spent the week thinking of something he could tell her on the next Care of Magical Creatures’ class. He went there earlier, and found her already seated, just like the week before.

C’mon, Remus. “Hi.”

She looked up from her book and lifted her chin in his direction. A moment later, she was reading her book again.

Remus played with his fingers, intertwined them, thought about something, then asked: “How are you?”

She looked up again. “Uhm, fine. Thanks. You?”

“Fine. Fine, thanks.” Remus nodded and she nodded too.

“Good.”

Before she could go back reading again, he looked down at her book and asked: “What are you reading?”

Unconsciously, she covered the title and looked down too. “Oh, it’s a muggle book, actually. Don’t think you know it.”

“I read muggle books too.” Remus said immediately. “They’re way more interesting than the ones they read here. And, I live in the muggle world, so…”

“You live in the muggle world?” Their eyes met again, and Remus’ cheeks started to feel hot. She arched an eyebrow and closed her book. The Symposium by Plato, he read.

Remus had never heard of it.

“Yeah. Does that surprise you?”

“Just thought you were a pureblood like your friends.”

“You know my friends?”

Viola’s eyes left his again. There was this game of looks between them, Remus was starting to get even more embarrassed.

“Everyone know the four of you here at school, I’m not sure you’re aware of it.”

Remus kept looking at her. “That’s not true.”

“You do pranks every week, annoy everyone in class, James and Sirius are in the quidditch team and come from two of the most famous pureblood families of the Wizarding World. You’re famous, and your friend Peter too. And, like, y'all are good looking, the four of you. I guess. So, yeah. Everyone know you.”

Remus’ mind went blank. We’re good looking? His mouth opened for a second. People think we are good looking?

Did she think they were good looking? Did she think he was good looking?

“Told you you weren't aware of it.”

“No,” Remus closed his mouth, “I wasn’t…”

“Your friends seem to be, though.”

“What you mean?” He was still playing with his fingers, his knee was going up and down. What if she thinks I’m good looking? He couldn't stop thinking about that.

“C’mon, they always do pranks on that annoying Slytherin boy with greasy hair just to have everyone attention on them, don’t they?”

“I- well… I’m the one who think about them. The pranks. Actually.”

Viola smiled, “Yeah, but they’re the ones who do them. They want the attention, you don’t.”

“Who says I don’t?”

Viola never broke their eyes contact, nor she stopped smiling. “You don’t need to do anything to have people’s attention, Remus.”

She went back to her book a moment later, still smiling, and Remus was about to scream. He looked at her with red cheeks and his fingers tortured. Sure, he wasn't expecting that. 

“Hi.” Lily sat in her seat in front of Viola, Mary followed her.

“Hi Remus, hi Viola.”

He turned to the two girls and closed his mouth, Viola turned towards them too.

“Hi. How are you?”

Mary shrugged, “Really wanted to sleep this morning.”

Remus nodded and opened his Care of Magical Creatures’ book. “Yeah, same…”

“What are you reading, Viola?” Mary asked, Remus didn't look up, but waited patiently for an answer.

“The Symposium.”

“Never heard of it, sorry.” Mary said, and Remus could see her shrugging without even looking up. “I don’t read much, really. Remus does.”

Their eyes met again.

“Yeah?”

Remus just nodded, “Yeah.”

“What are you reading now?”

“Uhm,” Remus had to look away. Suddenly he couldn't remember the title of the book he was reading, even though he had read some chapters before going to class that morning. “1984.”

“Oh, George Orwell. Have you read Animal Farm too?”

“Uhm, not yet. I was planning to read it after this one.”

“They’re both very good. I can lend it to you, if you want?”

Remus already had it, his mum had sent it to him the morning before, but he still nodded. “Thank you. I’ll treat your book well, I promise.”

She smiled. “You better.”

“See, you’ve found something you can talk about.” Mary smiled at the two of them, who both seemed to be in their own worlds. Remus smiled back, and for some reason, never stopped smiling the whole lesson.

*****

Some nights later, the Marauders were all sitting in the couch of the Common Room, Remus squeezed up between Peter and Sirius. Peter’s head was resting on his shoulder, probably already asleep. Sirius was writing a letter to his cousin Andromeda, the piece of paper abandoned on his legs and his eyes to the ceiling, thinking. James was finishing his Runes’ essay. Remus was reading The Symposium by Plato.

He was already halfway through it. The book was about a group of intellectuals, discussing love. The sentiment. Or Eros, the god of love. It was interesting how Plato, a greek philosopher who lived before Christ's birth, though various dialogues, liberally talked about love in all its form. 

“Should I send my cousin’s daughter a present for her birthday? It was two weeks ago.” Sirius asked at some point. Remus looked up from his book and felt Peter waking up against his shoulder.

“How old is she?”

“One. She was born last year.”

“Really?” Peter asked, yawning. “You never told us about it.”

“Andromeda told me through a letter, I probably forgot. I think I told James.”

Peter breathed against Remus’ neck. “Right. What can you send to a one-year-old?”

Sirius closed his letter’s envelope and sighed. “I don’t know.”

He placed his leg on top of Remus’, who rolled his eyes.

“Get off.”

Sirius smiled. “No.”

“Can you not be an annoying prat? Get off.”

“Aw, Remus. No, I can’t.”

Remus rolled his eyes again. He abruptly shifted his leg and dropped Sirius's, who stopped smiling.

“Peter, can you change record?” Sirius asked, changing the subject. “I wanna listen to Hunky Dory.”

“I’m not getting up. Moony’s too cozy.”

“I wanna listen to Diamond Dogs.” Remus complained.

“Go to the other room.”

“You go to the other room.”

“No.”

“Then shut up.”

“Fuck off.”

Remus kept humming along to We Are the Dead.

“Oh, shut up! I really wanna punch you, you know.”

“Oh, do it, I dare you.”

“I’m writing the best essay professor Babbling will ever read, so please, you two, fuck off.” James spoke for the first time after almost an hour of silence and concentration. Remus and Sirius both turned to him immediately.

“Thanks, James.” Peter thanked him, while Sirius said “He’s alive” and Remus “Not so sure it will be the best.”

“Anyway,” James ignored them, “I’m done. What time is it?”

“Midnight.”

“Sirius, we have to go to bed.”

Sirius rolled his eyes while James got up and stretched his back with his arms raised on top of his head. Remus pinched his belly.

“Oi!”

James slapped his hand and Remus grinned to himself. He wasn’t sleepy, but Peter was, and apparently James and Sirius had to go to bed.

“Do we really have to practise at seven in the morning tomorrow, James?” Sirius covered his face with his hands.

“Yes, Sirius.”

Here’s why they had to go to bed.

Remus gave up and closed his book too, intending to get up.

“Why you have to practise so early?” Peter asked, his eyes closed.

Sirius sighed and turned to James with annoyed eyes. “Ask him.”

“We have a match next Sunday, Sirius. In case you have forgotten.”

“Oh no, I remember it really well, since you mention it every ten minutes. And I also remember that next Sunday is more than a week away.”

James ignored him and placed an hand on Remus’ shoulder, the only one who had gotten up and was standing beside him. “Doesn’t matter. Let’s go.”

"Why do you have a match so early in the year? You usually have the first match in November. It's still September."

"Yes. But do you remember what happened last year?"

"No."

James ignored him. "We skipped a match towards the end of school. I asked McGonagall if we could retrieve it now."

"Oh my God, how did I forget."

"You're mental." Sirius told him. 

“Moony, carry me to bed.” Peter murmured from the couch. Remus snorted, and James smirked. He reached the couch and started tickling Peter, who immediately screamed “Oh Merlin, stop it!”

“Get up!”

“Okay fine!”

“You too, Sirius!”

Sirius rolled his eyes, but got up anyway. Remus extended his hand towards Peter and helped him get up too, then wrapped his arm around his shoulders. And they went to bed.

*****

Remus sometimes looked at Viola. His eyes fell on her even if he didn't want to. She was sitting two seats in front of him and Peter, with her friend Dorcas. Remus already liked Runes, but now that he knew that she attended it too, it was even better.

At the end of the lesson, it was her who approached him. “Remus.”

He turned immediately, the others stopped too. Remus smiled, like he hadn't seen her. “Oh, hi.”

“I said I would lend you the book.” She handed him a copy of Animal Farm, the same one his mum had sent him.

“Oh, yes. Thank you.” He grabbed it, and even if he tried to touch her fingers with his, he didn’t. He just smiled. “I thought you’d forgotten.”

“You underestimate me, Remus Lupin.”

“No!” He screamed, then lowered his voice. “I mean, no. Of course not. Sorry.”

She smiled, “I’m just kidding.”

“Oh. Right.”

“See you in class.”

“Yes, see you.”

She disappeared with Dorcas and Remus swallowed, not sure if he wanted to turn around and look at his friends’ faces. He was so embarrassing, oh God.

“Who was that?” Sirius asked, before he could even turn around.

“Uhm,” Remus rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged, “a friend. Viola.”

“Oh, okay.”

Remus turned around and tried to change the subject in a subtitled way. “Her best friend’s Dorcas Meadowes. She's in the Ravenclaw Quidditch team.”

“Oh, yeah." Sirius nodded, “We know her. She plays very well.”

“But we’ll beat her, next week.” James said, Peter rolled his eyes at Remus.

And, of course, they started talking about Quidditch after that. Nothing about Viola. Good.

*****

A week later, like promised, the so long awaited quidditch match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw took place.

It was the end of September, full moon three days away. Time had flown so far. The temperature was starting to lower, the sun to set earlier, the sky to darken. But that Sunday morning was pretty warm.

A thing Remus wasn't aware of, was that Mary had invited Viola to sit with them during the match. Remus’ eyes widened when he caught sight of her approaching them.

“Hi,” she simply said. Mary and Lily smiled up at her.

“Hey Viola! Come, sit here.” Mary made room for her between her and Remus, who still had to come back to reality when Viola sat next to him.

“Hi.” She turned to Remus, and the world started spinning again.

“Hi, uhm, this’s my best friend Peter. Er, Peter, this is Viola.”

Peter shook her hand, “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

“Your name’s not English, is it?” Peter asked, and she shook her head.

“Viola, it means purple in Italian. Or violet, the flower. My mum’s Italian.”

“Really?” Remus asked before Peter could do it himself. He heard his friend pout.

“Yeah. My cousins’ names are Rosa and Margherita. Rosa means rose, the flower, or pink, the colour. And Margherita means daisy, the flower.”

“Your family likes flowers?”

She smiled, “I guess. Yours like wolves? Lupin. Lupus in latin, lupo in italian. Wolf.”

Remus’ back straightened. He felt Peter’s body stiffened too. He cleared his throat, “Really? I didn't know.”

“There’s also the constellation Lupus. You seem to be known for your cleverness and your passion for reading, yet you don’t even know about the origin of your family’s name.”

His cheeks started to redden again. In the meanwhile, at some point during their short conversation, the match had begun.

Viola kept talking, Remus hadn't even had the time to think of something to say to her. “Have you read Animal Farm?”

“Oh, yes.” He nodded, that was something he could talk about easily. “I wanted to bring it back to you tomorrow, during Herbology. I didn't know you were coming today, I would have brought it back to you.”

“Don’t worry about it. What did you think ‘bout it? Did you like it?”

James scored in the meanwhile, the others cheered. Remus didn't seem to notice any of that.

“I think it’s brilliant. It makes you think. And the notes about Stalin and Stalinism made it even clear. I live in the muggle world, but I was kind of ignorant towards these things. Now I know something new."

She almost laughed. "You could read The Communist Manifesto."

"What's that?"

She grinned again. "Nothing."

They turned to the game for the first time, both hiding a small smile. James had already scored five times, and Gryffindor was winning.

But Remus kept going. “I’ve read The Symposium too.”

Viola turned to him again. “Did you?”

“I’ve never heard of Plato before, my mum doesn't have that many greek and latin classics, but I really liked it. The dialogue is genius. It’s interesting to read how many versions and myths about love exist. And the one that Socrates tells it’s so twisted it made me trip. The reading was even more interesting. I liked it.”

She seemed to study his features, look at his face like she was reading him. He let her. Her breath was soft in his ears, her heartbeat too. He was mesmerised.

“I like the way you talk.”

Remus looked away, “Uhm, thanks.”

He turned to Peter, who was smirking at him. His best friend whispered in his ears: “I see what you’re doing, Moony.”

And Remus subtly elbowed him in the ribs, his cheeks turning red. “Shut up.”

They went back to watch the game, Remus’ knee was touching Viola’s, but he pretended he hadn’t noticed it. He followed the game, cheered when James scored, talked with Peter and the girls. And their knees still touched.

Sirius accidentally scored at some point. The fact was, Sirius was a beater. Remus turned to Peter confused, and the Gryffindors went wild.

“Isn’t he a beater?” Viola asked, and Remus nodded.

“Yes, he is.”

James patted Sirius on the shoulder and they grinned at each other. People were laughing, cheering, screaming. So, obviously, Sirius was showing off. He did a few loops on his broom and flied in front of his friends.

“Did you see it?” He screamed at Peter and Remus, who nodded. He smirked and did another loop, people kept cheering at him. 

Sirius was living for it. He met Remus’ eyes again and smiled. It was strange, because he didn't look away, he kept looking at Remus.

Remus arched an eyebrow. Sirius seemed to realise what he was doing and looked away awkwardly. He looked down, his eyes wide and his cheeks red.

And in that moment, while Sirius was distracted, a bludger hit him in the head.

Chapter Text

SIRIUS

Trying to understand someone when you can't understand yourself is hard.

I learned how to know you. To see, and hear, and feel you. To love you, Remus.

I learned a lot about myself too, from you. Even when I didn't realise it, when I thought I hated you, I looked up to you.

I loved you very much. Still do.

I love you everyday. In every breath I take, I love you. And I want to thank you, because if I still breath, it’s because I hope to see you again. Just once, just a moment, just the time of a breath shared together.

Live for, and because of your love, for the last time.

The School of Athens; Raffaello (1509-11)

*****

Sirius remembered nothing about the game.

He did remember that Gryffindor was going well, James kept scoring, and people kept cheering. Peter was looking at the game, Remus was talking to a girl. He did remember that. Then he woke up in a bed of the hospital wing, with his friends around him.

It was blur at first, when he opened his eyes. His head hurt. James's face was right on top his, looking down at him.

“He’s awake.”

“Is he?” Peter’s voice asked quietly.

“I think so. It seems like he’s opening his eyes.”

“I’m awake.” Sirius said out of a sudden. James smiled down at him.

“I’ll call Madam Pomfrey.” Said Remus, before disappearing. There was a closed curtain around Sirius’ bed, it was pretty dark, so when Remus opened it and the light of the sun reached Sirius’ eyes, he closed them again.

“How you feeling?” James asked, his breath above Sirius’ head.

“My head hurts a little. What the hell happened?”

“A bludger hit you and you fell off your broomstick. Dumbledore caught you before you hit the floor, though. Your head probably hurts from the bludger’s hit.”

“We won?”

James smiled, “Yeah. Marlene caught the Golden Snitch when you fell. Just in time, huh? Dorcas Meadowes was mad angry.”

Remus reappeared, followed by Madam Pomfrey, who made James move so she could look at Sirius. “Oh honey, you’re awake.”

“I am.” Sirius replied, his eyes fell on Remus for a moment and he suddenly felt embarrassed. He didn’t want Remus there.

“Your brother wants to see you.” The boy in question said, bringing Sirius’ attention on him once again.

“Regulus?”

“How many brothers do you have?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Can he come in?” He asked Madame Pomfrey, who was looking at the bandage she had put around his head.

“Of course.”

“James, call him please?”

“Yes.”

It was weird. Madame Pomfrey was studying her work, making sure that she had healed him good enough. Peter was basically falling asleep on the chair next to Sirius’ bed. Remus was playing with Peter’s hair, looking at the floor. He didn't want to look at Sirius, was it? Fine.

“Sirius,” Regulus marched into the room, everyone turned towards him, but the thing didn't seem to touch him, “you okay? Merlin,” he turned to James, “who did this to him? I didn't see. Who hit him?”

“Uhm,” James rubbed the back of his neck, “Elizabeth Johnson. She apologised multiple times, she didn't mean-“

“I want her expelled, I don’t care about apologises.”

Sirius sat up. “Reg, c’mon, it was an accident. I don’t want her to get expelled for this.”

“Well, I do. Wait till I tell mum, she’s gonna be-“

“She won't do anything,” Sirius replied. For the first time, Regulus looked at him. “She doesn't care if they hit me. And, beside that, I told you I don't want her to get expelled. End of discussion.”

“Sirius-” Regulus tried again, but stopped himself when Sirius shook his head. “I just don't think this is… whatever.”

“I’m alive. Aren’t I?”

“How long does he have to stay here?” Regulus asked Madam Pomfrey.

“I think he can go back to his dormitory this night. If he feels better, of course.”

“I feel better, I wanna go now.”

“Rest a little, then I’ll let you go. Alright?”

Sirius gave up without even trying, “Okay.”

“You’ll have an excuse tomorrow if you don't do your homework.” Peter suddenly said, back from the death.

James smiled, “He’s right.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I’ll leave.”

“Same,” Remus said, “Professor Babbling said she wanted to talk to me, I don't know why.”

“What have you done?” Peter asked him, Regulus was starting to loose his patience.

Remus wrinkled his nose, “Nothing, of course.”

“Well,” Peter smirked up at him, “we’ll talk later. About the girl, Viola.”

Remus looked away, “Shut up.”

What girl?

“What girl?” James asked, Remus wasn't even looking at them.

“C’mon boys, I think you should all go now.” Madam Pomfrey intervened. James and Peter snorted, Remus looked at Regulus, Regulus rolled his eyes again, and Sirius closed his. His head was starting to hurt again.

“Alright, bye Sirius.” James kissed him in the forehead. Sirius snorted and pushed him off.

“Bye, boys.” Madam Pomfrey said very loudly, Sirius smirked. She smiled at him.

They left him there alone. He heard Peter say ‘C’mon Moony, tell us’ and Remus just replying ‘no’ before they got too far and Sirius couldn't hear anymore.

For some reason, he hoped that, if Remus was going to say something about the ‘girl’, they would wait for him.

*****

“She asked me to help you in Runes.”

“What?!” Sirius screamed. This couldn't be real. This had to be a nightmare.

“Listen. I told her I didn't want to, it’s not my fault if you're failing her class!”

“Can’t James help me? He’s good in Runes.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “You talk to her. I don’t care.” His eyes went back to his book, Sirius couldn't even read the title.

“Oh for fuck sake, put that book aside and talk to me for a second.” Sirius grabbed the book and put it behind his back.

Remus turned to him and blurted out angrily: “What the fuck is your problem?”

“We have to solve this!”

“Solve what?!”

“You can’t tutor me in Runes! That’s- Oh Merlin, I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry if you don’t study her subject! It’s not like it’s a pleasure for me to tutor you, asshole. I’d rather be punched in the face than help you study.”

“Look, I hate her subject, that's why I’m not good at it. Not because I can’t. So you don’t need to help me, thank you very much.”

“Like I’ve already told you, I don’t care. You talk to Professor Babbling, I’m not the one who chose to be your tutor.” Remus stopped in front of the Care of Magical Creatures’ class, Sirius didn't even know why he had followed him there. “And give me back my book, tosser!”

Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius’ waist and took back his book.

“You two are friends now?” Lily appeared behind Sirius, she surpassed him and stopped beside Remus, who sighed.

“No.” Remus simply said and Lily smiled at him, before entering the classroom. “Now, Sirius, you can go-“

“Hi, Remus.” Another girl appeared behind Sirius.

Remus looked at her for a moment with his mouth open, then smiled bigly. “Hi Viola, how are you?”

“Good. What are you reading?”

Remus blushed. He blushed. “Oh, Notes From the Underground. I've almost finished it.”

"Oh, you read Dostoevsky."

"Yeah, you do-"

“Right,” the two turned and acknowledged Sirius’ presence. “I’ll talk to Professor Babbling. Bye.”

Remus’ smile fell off his face. “Oh, yes. Right. Bye, Sirius.”

Before he could leave, the girl Remus didn’t want to talk about asked “Sirius. How’s your head?”

He looked at her and faked a smile, “Good.” And then he was gone.

*****

Gone to Professor Babbling’s office. Was she mad? Make Remus Lupin his tutor? Oh, c’mon. Absolutely not. No. No way.

“Professor Babbling?” Sirius knocked on her office door.

“Mr. Black, come in.”

Babbling’s office was little, but nice. The walls were orange and yellow, and a lot of pictures were hanging on them. Piles of books on the floor. A wound desk and an empty chair welcomed him. Professor Babbling was young, a pair of red glasses on her nose. She smiled up at him.

“Please, have a sit. Do you want some tea?”

“Oh, no. Thank you.” He sat on the empty chair and made himself comfortable.

She smiled again. “Do you need something?”

“Uhm, yes. I- Mr. Lupin told me you’ve asked him to tutor me in your subject. I don’t think I need his help, that’s all.”

“Oh, yes, I wanted to tell you about it too. I just thought you might need some help, last year you barely passed the exam of my subject. I helped you with the final mark at the end of the year because it was the first year you studied the subject and I thought I should give you a little help, but even if school started a month ago, you’ve already failed two essays. Mr. Lupin is the best in the class, and I thought you were friends, so…”

“We’re not friends, actually. And, I’m sorry, I know I’m not that good in Runes, but I can try harder. Can I? Without Remus’ help, I mean.”

She clapped her hands together, “I mean, if you think you can do it on your own, of course.” He mentally let out a sigh of relief. “But Sirius, if you do bad on the next test, I’m afraid you’ll have to accept Mr. Lupin’s help. Alright?”

Sirius nodded. Easy. He just had to try harder. Nothing he couldn't do. “Yes. I swear, I’ll do better.”

“Okay,” she simply said, “I’m sure you’re not stupid, Mr. Black. I believe in your capacities.”

“Thanks.” He said, getting up. He started to think that Runes could become his favourite subject. Oh yes. He adored it. Couldn’t wait to study it! “I won’t let you down. Uhm, I should go now, thanks again, Professor. Thanks.”

“Of course.” He reached the door and was about to open it, when she added: “Just, one last thing. May I ask why this antipathy between you and Mr. Lupin? He didn't seem too happy about it either, when I told him.”

Sirius faked a smile, “I guess we’re just too different from each other.”

“Oh. Well, maybe you could try-“

He closed the door behind his back.

*****

The morning after Remus’ second full moon, Madam Pomfrey didn’t want to let them see him.

They went to the hospital wing before class, with Remus’s breakfast in hand, like always.

“Why can’t we see him?” Peter asked, his voice worried.

“He’s tired.”

“We’ll just say hi. And gave him this.” He showed the plate full of brioches and biscuits. 

“Guys…”

“He’s not coming to lessons later?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“Just let him rest.”

“Please, Madam Pomfrey. Pleaseee.”

“Poppy,” Remus’ voice reached their four pairs of ears from behind the closed curtain, “let them in.”

Since when did she let him call her ‘Poppy’? Sirius wondered. 

Madam Pomfrey sighed, but nodded, letting them in. Remus was laying down on his bed, coughing a little.

“Hi.”

“Hey Moony, how you feeling?” James asked, sitting in the chair closer to Remus’ bed. Peter puffed silently and sit beside James, Sirius remained standing.

“Remus,” Madam Pomfrey was still there, with them. “You don’t have to answer.”

“It’s fine.”

“You don’t have to.”

“They know, Poppy.” Remus said casually, looking up at her.

“They know?”

“They know since we were second years. They come visit me every month, it would be weird if they didn't know. I trust them.”

Sirius couldn't see her, but imagined that she had nodded. “Alright, Remus.”

He spoke towards them now. “Broke too many ribs, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. And my hip hurts, more than usual. Don’t think I can walk today. Two fractured toes too.”

“I fixed all the broken ribs,” Madam Pomfrey intervened, “and the toes, of course, but the problem’s with the hip. Can I tell them?”

Remus nodded. Sirius kept looking at him.

“The place where the bite is, I think Remus did something tonight, maybe stretched too much, because he opened it a lot. This morning I found him covered in blood, I had to sew up his wounds, with the muggle method. He can’t get up, not for the next two or three days, at least.”

“Crap.” Peter exclaimed. Remus smiled at him.

“I’m fine, though. Just can’t follow my lessons.”

“Oh,” said Sirius, dramatically, “that must be hell. How could you live?”

Remus ignored him. “Bring me good news, you prick, did you talk to Professor Babbling?”

It was weird to have Remus’ eyes on him. He barely even looked at him, not after the Quidditch match. Sirius could die of embarrassment. “Oh, yes. It’s all fine. She said that if I do well on my next test, I don’t need your help.”

“Ooh, good news.”

“What is it?” James asked. Sirius realised Madam Pomfrey wasn't there anymore.

“Remus had to tutor me in Runes. But I fixed it, we’re safe.”

“I mean,” James smirked, “you kind of suck in Runes.”

“Yeah, but I don’t need his help.” He pointed at Remus with his chin, but the boy had already closed his eyes, ignoring them. Ignoring Sirius. Arrogant.

James shrugged, “Maybe you two could become friends, who knows.”

“Don’t think so.” Sirius just said, moving his hair behind his ears. His black hair, that created a small curl at the end, was at his shoulders’ length. Sirius found it cool. Of course, cooler than Peter flat hair, of a blond so dark that Sirius found it more appropriate to call ‘light light brown’. Two light because it wasn’t just one shade of lighter, but two. And also cooler than James and Remus’ curls, James’ black ones and Remus’ light brown ones. Remus’ hair was just light brown. Peter’s light light brown.

Sirius thought he was starting to look handsome. A good looking teenager. He was almost fifteen, and girls sometimes looked at him during classes or in the hallways, and giggled to each others. He wasn’t too tall, but still taller than Peter. A bit shorter than James, and probably two inches shorter than Remus. The motherfucker.

James was starting to grow some muscles on his legs and arms. Sirius too, but less than him. And in some strange way his boring glasses gave him a fascinating look, Sirius didn't know how.

Peter, even if he was the shortest between them, and his hair was flat, the charm of blue eyes and ‘blond’ hair didn't fail. He was also Remus’ best friend, which advantaged him, since everyone knew Remus Lupin. And his best friend? Oh, yes, of course, Peter Pettigrew. So people knew him too. And people didn’t find him boring, apparently. Sirius did.

Remus was handsome. You had to be beautiful to pull an enormous scar on your face and still look fine. And it wasn’t even the worst part. Beautiful beautiful honey curls on his head, some fell softly on his forehead. A bit of brown freckles, framing his diagonal scar and his well proportionated nose. And he was tall. Skinny and tall. High cheekbones, like Sirius’. At least he could say that.

Mary was right, summer had treated him well. Better than anyone else. He wasn’t just taller than last year, but his traits were also more mature. His hair longer. His voice deeper. Puberty had hit him more than Peter, without any doubt, but also more than him and James. Sirius hated to admit it.

And his fucking shoes. How cool could they be?! Black docs with—the motherfucker—the lunar phases drawn on them. Sirius found them the coolest thing ever.

He was just looking at them, abandoned on the floor, next to Remus’ nightstand, when James called back his attention.

“Time to go to lesson.”

”Oh, yes.”

“Right.” Remus said, closing back his eyes, his hands behind his head. “Take notes for me.”

Peter snorted, “Sure.”

“Pete,” Remus’ low voice barely said, but James and Sirius turned as well anyway. Remus seemed embarrassed. “Can you, uhm, give this (he handed a book) to Lily, or Mary, and tell them to give it to (he looked away) Viola? From Remus.”

Peter and James smirked at each other.

“Bastard! Tell us about her.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “No.”

”We’re your best friends!”

”What should I say? There’s nothing to say.”

Peter’s face was now serious. “C’mon. A few details about Viola.”

Remus gave up. “She’s a Ravenclaw, four year. In my Care of Magical Creatures class. Muggle born, best friend of Dorcas Meadowes.”

James messed up his hair, “Moony, I knew it! Old hand, you like her!”

Remus didn’t even deny it. “Yeah, a little…”

“Does she like you back?”

“I don’t know. I hope so… I’m trying to, you know,” he pointed at the book in Peter’s hands with his chin, “know her better. Guess.”

“Oh Jesus, of course she will. Why wouldn’t she?” Peter said, Remus smiled, his gaze lost.

“Since when do you say Jesus?” James asked him.

Peter shrugged, “Remus always uses it. The girls too. I like it.”

“Fair enough,” Sirius said, his voice felt a bit out between his friends’s. “We have to go.”

“Yes,” Remus agreed, “you’re probably already late. Go. Bye. See you later. Let me sleep. Bye.”

Peter held the book up, “Gonna give this to your lovebird. Bye, Moony.”

“Don’t dream of her too much!” James exclaimed happily, running out the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes at him.

Sirius looked back for a second, met Remus’ happy eyes. “Bye, Remus.”

*****

Sirius did try to study Runes. He did. And he had never regretted anything more in his life than having chosen the subject in third year. The thing was, he was good in everything else. He didn’t even need to study that much and his marks were still high everywhere. Expect there. And Sirius wasn’t used to study. It was crap.

Plus, there was another thing they had been studying for a while now. The animagi thing. Which was hard, honestly. Sirius didn’t even know why he was doing it. He was sure that Peter and James would have been enough for Remus during the full moons. No need of Sirius. Yet, he was still doing it. They were looking around for information, being subtle about it, no rush. Sirius couldn’t say it took him too much time, but still.

By the end of the week, he found himself sitting on the bleachers of the Quidditch pitch with his book in his hands. It was Sunday morning, and the game of the day was Hufflepuff against Slytherin. Of course, none of his friends had cared enough to go watching it with him, but Sirius was there anyway, for Regulus.

It was his brother’s first game. He had been chosen to be his team's seeker, and Sirius had promised himself to go watch his games, just like Regulus did with his.

He didn't think he would see some known faces, since he didn't have any friends who were Hufflepuffs or, least of all, Slytherins. Yet, at some point after the start of the game he caught sight of Marlene, walking towards him.

“Hi, Sirius.” She said casually, sitting down next to him.

Sirius closed his book. “McKinnon,” he lifted his chin, “what you doing here?”

“Watching the Quidditch match. What does it seem that I’m doing?”

“Right.” He pursed his lips and wrinkled his nose. Looking back at the game, Regulus was focused on finding the golden snitch, which seemed to be hiding from him and the Hufflepuff seeker.

“Your brother plays?” Marlene asked, calling back his attention. He nodded.

“Yep. His first match. What about you? Know someone?”

“Nope. Just like watching Quidditch games. And learn. From watching, you know?”

“Uhm, no. I don’t know.”

“That’s because you’re a mediocre beater. If you wanted to be the best, you would be doing what I’m doing: studying other teams’ seeker movements and techniques so I can be better than them when we play against their team. I always come to watch other matches when I can, and today’s good day, all sunny and not too cold, I like to be outside.”

She said all that while looking at the match, where Regulus and the other seeker were trying to catch the golden snitch. Sirius studied her features, she didn’t seem too focused on the game, but her eyes never left the pitch anyway. Her brown orbits moved to right, to left, now to right again, now up, down, left, right. She was studying the game, and, still, her face was soft and relaxed. Talked like she was talking with herself on the mirror. Sirius kept looking at her profile for a while, and if she felt uncomfortable, she didn’t say anything, nor looked back at him.

“Right.” He said again.

The game kept going, Hufflepuff was ahead of twenty points, but the teams seemed both good. Sirius tried to do the thing Marlene had just told him about: he tried to study the four beaters' movements, but it didn’t make sense to him. They moved just like him. He didn’t find it useful.

“You think I’m mediocre?”

“I mean, you’re good. Not the best, though.” Said she, simply.

“And you’re the best?”

She nodded. “Seeing the way the seekers of Slytherin and Hufflepuff are playing, yes. Dorcas Meadowes, the Ravenclaw seeker, is the only one who can compete. She. She’s good. But this,” she lifted her chin towards the Quidditch pitch, “is not too good. I mean, they’re not bad, but I can beat them. And even if I can’t learn anything from watching them, I can see what weaknesses they have. Beat them will be easier. Yes.”

Sirius was confused again. Every time Marlene spoke, his mind couldn’t follow her, she talked a lot and fast. Sirius talked slow. And didn’t say much.

“My brother’s the Slytherin seeker.” He simply said, and Marlene nodded again, thinning her eyes and focusing on Regulus.

“You said it’s his first game?”

“Yes.”

“He’s not bad. I mean, for being his first game. He’s focused and knows what he’s doing. He’ll improve a lot, I think. Maybe he’s going to be an hard competitor soon, who knows. You two are very similar.”

“Mh, I don’t know.”

“Except his short hair and your long, the traits are the same. Maybe he’ll be prettier than you in a few years.”

“Hey!”

Marlene smiled and her eyes left the game for the first time. Sirius caught the irony, and smiled too.

“I didn’t think you two were close. You and…”

“Regulus.” Sirius said, looking at his younger brother. They were. Close. He thought that they were going to stop talking to each other during Regulus’ first or second year. But he was a third year now, Sirius a fourth. And they still talked a lot. They still did their nocturne meetings. But now they didn’t meet once a week anymore, more like once every ten days. Sometimes every two weeks. Regulus had new friends. Bartemius Crouch Junior, Pandora—Sirius didn't remember her last name— and Evan Rosier. Sirius always saw them together.

“Right. I forgot, sorry. What you reading?” She pointed at the book Sirius had placed next to his legs, abandoned on the bleach.

He sighed. “Runes, really. I need to do good on the next test or Professor Babbling will make Remus help me. Which I don't want to. And the next test is this week, so I really need to study.”

“But you’re not.”

Sirius sighed again. “No. I’m not.”

“I think studying with Remus could help you, actually. He’s really good at this. Maybe he could make it his work one day, but who knows, we’re still young. Teaching, I mean. A lot of people ask for his help, I did a few times too. You two don’t get along, do you?”

“Not really, no.”

“He’s a good kid.”

“Do you fancy him?” He didn't know why he asked.

Marlene giggled. “No, of course not. A lot of girls do, though. I mean, I get it. He’s attractive. Funny, smart. All the positive adjectives you can use. But I personally don’t.”

Sirius had stopped listening at the begging of the phrase. “A lot of girls fancy him?!”

“Yeah. I know a lot of people who fake their difficulties in some subjects so he can help them.”

“What about us? Me, James and Peter?” Sirius asked, annoyed. Always Lupin, always and only him.

“I mean, yes. I know some girls who fancy you. But you know that too, you just pretend that you don’t.”

“I don’t.” Sirius wrinkled his nose. He didn’t, really. Just knew about Remus, or at least imagined it. Knew why people liked him. Imagined the reason, yes. “Who likes me?”

“I can’t tell you.”

Whatever.

“Does Mary and Lily fancy Remus?”

Marlene giggled again. “Maybe Mary, I don’t know. He doesn't like her back, though, so I think she’s giving up. Lily doesn't really talk about these things. Severus fancies her. I mean, it’s obvious. Everyone thinks that. She does too, but doesn't like him back. I don’t know if she fancies Remus, though. Oh and Peter, a lot of girls fancy him too.”

“More than the girls who fancy me?” Sirius was starting to get upset.

“Oh, c’mon. I don’t know that. I just know that the four of you are really popular. Of course girls like you, silly. And, I mean, we’re teenagers. Don’t you have hormones and all that?”

Sirius cleared his throat. I mean, of course he did. He felt attracted to girls, yes. Of course he did. Yes. One in particular? Nope. But still, he liked them, of course. Of course.

“Do you fancy someone?” He asked Marlene. James probably fancied Lily—even if he didn't talk about it, Sirius had realised something, maybe he was wrong—Remus fancied Viola or whatever her name was, Mary fancied Remus, Lily probably fancied Remus. At this point, Peter probably fancied Remus as well. Was he the only one who didn't fancy anyone?

“Uhm, no. Not really. Do you?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay.”

“How did we end up talking about that?”

“I don’t remember.”

Sirius smiled. Marlene was nice. He kept looking at her, she was pretty too. Sirius wondered if he could fancy her. Well, why not? He looked at her for some time, then went back to the game.

Nah, he couldn't.

It was Regulus who caught the golden snitch, making Slytherin win. Sirius got up and clapped his hands and screamed and cheered. Marlene cheered too.

“Told you, he’s good. He’ll improve a lot.”

“I’m going to congratulate him.”

“Of course. I’ll go now. See you at lunch?”

Sirius nodded and smiled brightly at her. “Yes. See you later.”

He watched her disappear and walk towards the castle, soft wind moving her blond hair and black uniform.

A thought winning over the others, Regulus. He waited for him outside the locker room. He could hear cheering noises coming from inside, and smiled. A sense of proudness pervaded him.

“Sirius!” His brother ran into his arms as soon as Sirius turned. He hugged him tightly. His eyes closed, a smile on his lips.

“You won! You did so good, Reg. Oh my God, you’re even better than me!”

Regulus laughed. “Why do you say ‘oh my God’?”

“A muggle expression.”

“Oh, right.”

“Who’s that, Reg?” Bartemius Crouch asked, wrapping his arm around Regulus’ shoulders in a protective way. Regulus stepped back from Sirius, who turned to the other boy and answered for Regulus.

“His brother. Who are you?” Even if he knew who he was.

“His best friend. Nice to meet you, I’m Barty.”

“Sirius.” He shook his hand with a smile of convenience, which Regulus seemed to appreciate anyway. He smiled at the two.

“Right,” his brother then said, “you’re going back to the castle?”

“Yes. I think it’s time for lunch soon.”

“Yes, probably. We’re celebrating in the locker room, uhm, do you mind heading back alone? Sorry.”

“Oh, no,” Sirius shook his head, “not really. Congratulations again. Bye. Love you.”

He turned and started heading back to the castle, but Regulus called him again.

“Sirius.”

He turned. “Yes?”

“See you tomorrow night, right?”

“Right.”

“Okay, good. Bye.”

“Bye.”

His friends were already seated in their usual when he reached the castle and headed towards the Great Hall. Someone was already eating. His friends were waiting for him.

He jumped down next to Remus, in front of James, who smiled at him.

“Hey, how was the game?”

“Good. Regulus caught the golden snitch, he’s really good. There was Marlene too, I stayed with her.”

“Nice,” James nodded, “you hungry?”

“Yeah, a lot actually.”

“Why do you have the Runes book with you?” Peter asked him. Sirius had abandoned the book on the table, next to his plate, now full of food.

“Was trying to study. We have a test this week, remember?”

Peter smirked. “Right, and you can’t fail because you don’t want Remus to tutor you.”

“Very much true, Pete.” He replied. They waited for Remus to answer, but he didn’t even look up from his book. Peter tapped a finger on his forehead, making Remus look up.

“Yes?”

“Are you even listening?”

“No. Why?”

“You seem distant, Moony. You sure everything okay?” James asked. Peter looked concerned too. 

“Yeah,” Remus shrugged, “everything okay. I’m just reading.”

“Yeah, but you’re always reading.” Peter pointed out. Their attention was on him now. As much as he didn’t want it.

“…And?”

“No, I mean… James’s right. You seem distant. Like you’re dissociating from everything. From us.”

Remus shrugged again, “Well, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. We’re just worried about you.” James said, Remus looked at him with his mouth full.

“I’m okay.” He simply said. He went back to his food, and his book. Like they weren’t even there. Sirius, Peter and James shared a look, but didn’t add anything else.

Remus Lupin had always been a mystery to Sirius Black, but now the dilemma seemed to be getting even more difficult. Remus was always by himself, reading, yes, like always, but even more than the previous years. There was always a book in his hands. Even during the lessons. He didn’t pay much attention, neither to his friends nor to his professors. Always absent. Lost in his own thoughts. The girls also spoke to him less than usual, not because they didn’t want to, but because he didn’t really listen to them either. The only moments when life seemed to reach back his soul was when someone mentioned the girl he was crushing on, even though he didn’t talk about her either.

It was weird.

It was weird to Sirius, but he figured it was even weirder for Peter, his best friend, who was now ignored most of the times.

Bad, bad Remus, how can you do something like that to your best friend?

*****

Later that night, Sirius found himself waking up in a puddle of sweat. It was late, probably three or four in the morning, and it wasn’t the first time he had woken up. The fifth, maybe. Or the sixth. That night was being a nightmare.

He was dreaming of something his mind couldn’t really remember once he woke up. Red lips, closed. Then the lower lip was being bitten. Then both lips were covered by a veil of saliva. A pencil between them, the person in question bit it, white teeth. A moving tongue. Sirius remembered that. The lips didn’t have a face, or rather, if they did, Sirius didn’t remember it. (Or thought he didn’t. Maybe tried not to remember it at all cost.)

The last time he woke up, his throat was sore. He had a vague memory of the dream that didn’t really make sense. He had touched the lips with his fingers, traced the red and soft surface with his index finger, now covered in the other person’s saliva. Sirius felt hot and confused.

And in the need of touching himself.

He laid with his eyes closed for a minute or two, breathing slowly, feeling his lungs fill with oxygen, then pushing the air between his lips. His hand moved slowly to his pants, Sirius breathed again, his fingers seemed to be impatient. He casted a silent spell and bit his lower lip.

The same pair of lips filled his mind, wet and red, Sirius watched them licking themselves, his breathes were getting quicker and quicker. He touched the lips, oh God, they were soft and felt good under his fingertips, breaths fast, his hand fast. Sirius swallowed and opened his mouth, he was reaching the edge, just needed something that could make him come. Full of shame, he tried to feel the same lips on his. Moving to his neck, kissing his skin. Sirius could see his naked body under them, he was touching himself in the dream, or the other person was. The lips went down and down, his chest, belly, hips, kissed his skin, felt hot on it. Lower lower.

Sirius opened his eyes immediately and tried to catch his breath again. He laid there for a moment, his dirty hand still around himself, his throat even more sore now. What the fuck had just happened?

Even if he knew that the others hadn’t heard him, he cleaned his hand on a piece of paper full of shame. It wasn’t the first time he touched himself, of course. He wasn’t ashamed of that. He was a teenager, thank you very much. He was embarrassed about that specific dream. More about the fact that he didn’t know whose lips he had seen. Didn’t know who had just blowed him off in his dream.

He decided that the lips didn’t have an identity. Just lips, without a face.

It was obvious, he didn’t fancy anyone, whose lips could they be? Just lips. (He liked to think that.)

He got up and headed downstairs, needing a glass of water and a breath of fresh air. He sleepily swung down the stairs, didn't make any noise, put his feet one in front of the other. It was when he was close to the last six or five steps that he realised. Someone was playing the piano in the Common Room.

He slowly descended, one step at a time, trying not to make any noise. When he reached the last step, the person who was playing stopped. Sirius held his breath. It stayed like that for a moment, then the person continued playing.

Sirius could play a little, his mother had forced Regulus and him to learn how to play, so he recognised the melody. Piano Sonata No. 14, Beethoven. In C-Sharp Minor. Or commonly known by ‘Moonlight’.

The hands that were playing reminded him of Regulus’, soft and delicate on the keys. Sirius felt like the melody was faster than the original, but still well done.

He sat on the last stair, tried to catch his breath while he listened to the beautiful composition. The stairs were cold, the person had probably opened the window of the Common Room, because the place was cold all over, but Sirius didn't mind, since he had gone downstairs to breath some fresh air. Against his hot skin, the temperature felt good. That made him feel a little embarrassed, again. He hadn't realised how much he had sweated. What a mess he was, really.

He decided to listen to just that song, then head back upstairs, but when the person started playing something else, a melody Sirius didn't know (it was Nocturne in E-Flat Major by Chopin), he changed his mind.

He didn't know how many songs he stayed there and listened to, but when he decided to get up, he tried to see who the person was. Light brown hair, a big jumper on and naked feet on the floor, even if Sirius could just see his back, he was unrecognisable.

It was Remus, of course.

*****

Sirius didn't mention it the next day.

When he went to bed, he waited for Remus to come back, but he never did. He only came back when it was almost six in the morning. And Sirius stayed up till then. He draw something, looked at the ceiling, thought about going back downstairs and listen to Remus again. He didn’t. 

Now, he was going to class with a headache so big that he wanted to die. Runes was the worst. He had a test in four days and literally knew nothing. And he couldn’t concentrate during class.

He had Remus seated in front of him, and his brown curls seemed to attract Sirius' attention much more than the lesson itself. Sirius couldn't stop thinking about him playing the piano. Couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Remus had spent the whole night awake, and still didn't show any trace of tiredness. Sirius couldn't stop thinking, how many night had he spent like that? Was it the first time that Remus spent the whole night up or was it a usual thing?

Sirius did spend the rest of the day trying not to fall asleep. Also thought about telling Regulus to cancel their night, but decided against it.

They met at ten, like always. And Regulus was already there, like always. They dedicated a big part of their conversation talking about Regulus’ Quidditch match, how his friends celebrated after, how his friend Pandora even made a cake for him to celebrate.

Sirius was a little lost in his own thoughts.

“Do you fancy Pandora?” He asked at some point, after Regulus had talked about her.

His brother laughed. “Hell no. I mean, I like her as a friend, really much, but not, like, in a romantic way. Why do you ask that?”

“Because,” Sirius snapped, “everyone fancies someone! And I don’t! But I had a… dream, yesterday.”

“What type of dream?”

“What do you think, Regulus?!” He snapped again, and Regulus laughed.

“Okay,” he was still laughing, “calm down. What’s the matter? You’re just fourteen…”

“…Almost fifteen…”

“…who cares if you don’t fancy anyone?”

Sirius ignored him. “And I didn't even have my first kiss yet! Everyone’s finding themselves a girlfriend. I think that James fancies Lily…”

“…Okay?”

“…and Lily’s probably in love with Severus Snape or whatever…”

“…That weird Slytherin kid?”

“…Yeah. And Peter, Peter! I thought, I thought he didn’t fancy anyone, but he does! The bastard fancies a Gryffindor girl…”

“…Good for him…”

“…and she’s not even pretty!”

“...Oh. Well, in that case…”

“…And Mary. Mary likes Remus!”

“…Scandalous!”

“…She fancies Remus! And oh my God, him. He fancies a Ravenclaw girl…”

“…Good for him…”

“No! Regulus, you have no idea. He doesn’t talk to anyone, anyone! Neither Peter, his best friend, but oh! If you mention Viola,” Sirius morphed her name, “he starts smiling and blushing and being shy and it’s ridiculous! He give her his books and who knows what else, and I won’t be surprised if this weekend he'll ask her to go out somewhere in Hogsmeade with him! And she probably fancies him back! I believe she does. I saw them talking. Both embarrassed and ew, you know? Yeah, they probably fancy each other. Oh my God. What if she becomes his girlfriend? What if they kiss? Remus’ going to have his first kiss before me! Oh my God, of course they’ll kiss, if they like each other. No? That’s what couples do. That’s horrible…”

“…I think you should breath…”

“...But let’s talk about him! Do you know what I saw last night?"

"...Uhm, no..."

"...I was awake and decided to go downstairs…”

“…after your dream?” Regulus giggled.

“…Shut up. I went downstairs, and he was there! Playing the piano! At, like, three or four in the morning. Who does that?!”

“…Remus does, apparently…”

“…A psychopath!”

“…Maybe he also had a wet dream…”

“…Regulus! Stop mentioning that!”

Regulus giggled again. “I don’t think I will.”

“Fuck off. Anyway, he was there playing the piano and he didn’t come back till 6! What the fuck? What did he do the whole night? He doesn’t make any sense, I swear. How can the girl he likes like him back? I don’t understand him. Do you think it’s a usual thing for him? Staying up all night, I mean. Should I investigate?”

Regulus sighed, looking up at the ceiling. He didn’t answer for a while, just looked up in silence. Sirius kept watching him, waiting for something. But Regulus never answered.

“Well?”

“I think you should stop obsessing over the kid. Remus.”

Sirius' eyes widened. “I’m not obsessing over him!”

“What do you care if he has a girlfriend, or if he stays up all night? You aren’t even friends, are you?”

“No, but…”

“Don’t you see, every time we meet up there, we end up talking about your friends. Not mine. Never mine. It’s always 'James did this, James did that', so you do it too. Peter only talks to Remus, and that annoys you. Remus has a girlfriend, so you want one too. Always that. Does your life depend on them?”

Sirius looked at him, his mouth open. “No…”

“It seems like it does. Even earlier, you said everyone fancies someone but you. Who cares?! It’s not like you have to do everything they do. You think your friends talk about you all the time? Let me tell you this: they don’t, Sirius. Their lives don’t circle around you. But yours seems to be more about them than about yourself.”

“This’s not true.”

“Whatever, Sirius. I hate when you do that. Why do you think you’re different from others? And, if you are, it’s not a bad thing. Actually, it’s better. Just,” Regulus sighed, “you should create your own personality. Okay, James likes quidditch, Remus and Peter like reading, now Remus even plays the piano, he helps students in the library, all that, fine. Okay. But you, what do you like?”

“Drawing.” He answered, ready. In fact, it had seemed a spontaneous thing for him to say. He wondered if he would have said it anyway, if he had stopped for a moment and thought about an answer before actually giving it.

“Drawing, okay. Do you even do it anymore? Last time I saw you drawing something was last year. Never saw you this summer, never saw you these months.”

“I did a drawing last night.” He justified himself.

“Good.”

Sirius pouted. Because the drawing he had done was just the silhouette of a body, without a face, without a background, just a silhouette of a unknown body.

He never realised that he had stopped drawing. When had it happened?

“I just think you’re really lost. Which is not a bad thing. You’re only fourteen, almost fifteen, okay, but you’re still young. And it’s normal for people our age to feel lost. It’s fine. Why don’t you try find yourself and stop depending on what James does? Ask yourself some questions, maybe. Try to find the answers, and if you need help, ask for help, but at least try.”

Sirius was looking down at the floor, moving his feet one against the other. It was cold around them. And his mind was blank. Confused. Lost. Regulus kept looking at him.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You just said I don’t have a personality.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s a really mean thing to say.”

“Sorry.” Regulus said again, his eyes fixed on Sirius, who still didn’t dare to look up.

“Do you mean it?”

“I- Do you think you know yourself?”

Sirius kept moving his feet. He started wondering if he had stopped drawing because he didn’t like it anymore, or because… Had he ever liked it? His brain couldn’t give him an answer. He even though about Quidditch, did he even like playing Quidditch? Or James did and Sirius had convinced himself that he did too? Had he a favourite subject? He hated Runes, but what subject did he like studying? He didn’t even study. He just did his tests like nothing, passed them anyway, so whatever. He didn’t even know whose lips he had dreamed. Maybe he did fancy someone, but didn’t know who.

He also realised that he didn’t even know why he hated Remus.

Couldn’t comprehend how Andromeda had chosen love before her family. Could he ever make a decision that big? That drastic? Could he even choose something for himself, without following what James did, or said?

He got up, angry. He didn’t want to talk to Regulus anymore. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Before his brother could say anything else, Sirius darted out of the room and disappeared so fast that Regulus could only look up at him with his mouth open.

*****

Sirius spent the days after his meeting with Regulus upset.

He (1) tried to study for his Runes test, (2) went to his Quidditch practises with James and Marlene, (3) tried to sleep at night without letting the urge to go downstairs win over him.

He had failed the three of them miserably.

His test, which he did on Thursday, went bad. Professor Babbling hadn’t corrected it yet, but Sirius was sure it hadn't gone good. His mind went black when he tried to write something that made sense. A disaster. Sirius should have seen it coming.

Then the Quidditch practises. He realised he didn’t want to go most of the times, was usually forced by James, never practised just to enjoy the practice itself. It made him a little lost. He wasn’t bad, he guessed, at being a beater, but wasn’t so sure he liked being the beater. A lot of things were confirming his doubts. But he decided to give it more time. Try to, at least.

And the last thing. It seemed that getting to sleep peacefully at night wasn’t an option anymore, because he spent most of his nights awake, looking at the ceiling till three in the morning. And sometimes he went downstairs. And found Remus there. He just listened to him playing a few songs, then headed back upstairs and tried to sleep. Sometimes it happened that he really fell asleep after that, sometimes it was harder. But he had to admit, Remus was a good player. And somehow the music relaxed Sirius.

He wondered if he wanted to try to learn how to play the piano again. The lessons he had taken when he was younger did nothing to him, he didn’t remember anything, just recognised some songs when he heard them being played. But maybe he could try learning again.

Remus seemed able to play everything. Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, Chopin, Schumann, Brahms. Sometimes he stopped and read. Sirius stayed there, behind the stairs. And waited till he played again.

He was walking into their room one day, his head bent towards the floor, his books under his arms. He was still upset about their Runes’ test, sure he hadn’t done good. He sighed, opening the room’s door, and threw his books on his bed. Washed his face, took off his shoes and laid in James’ bed, too tired to move his books from his bed. He smelled James’ pillow, sinking his face in it. James had a good smell, freshly cut grass and cinnamon. James loved cinnamon. And playing Quidditch outside.

“You usually do that?”

Sirius sat up immediately, meeting Remus’ eyes on the other side of the room. The boy was sitting on the window, already in his pajamas, short black pants and a red sweater, and a cigarette in his hand. He inhaled, still looking at Sirius, who didn’t seem inclined to give him an answer. Exhaled, and a cloud of smoke disappeared outside the window.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Sirius snapped. Remus turned back to him, inhaled again.

“Smoking?” He said, and the smoke came out of his mouth and inside the room. “Oh, crap.”

“Who gave you the right to think you could it in our room?!”

“James.” Remus said, continuing his cigarette.

“James?!”

“Yeah. He said I can smoke if I let the smoke go outside, which I’m doing.”

“James knows you smoke?”

“He caught me a few days ago.”

Remus wasn’t looking at him, his face turned to the other side, his gaze directed outside the window. Sirius was shocked.

“You smoke?!”

“Apparently.”

“Since when!”

“Uhm, this summer.”

“You’re fucking insane. You’re fourteen!”

Remus put out his cigarette against the wall and snapped his fingers. The end of it disappeared, Remus turned to him.

“I think,” he said, calmly, “I’ve done worse in my life. Like, turning into a werewolf at five. So I can take care of my own life, thank you, Sirius.”

“I can’t believe James knew about it and still let you smoke here. What if- and if I tell McGonagall? What’s gonna happen to you?”

“Go ahead.” Remus shrugged, “If they expel me I’ll just go home, not Azkaban.”

Going home would be worse. Sirius didn’t answer. Was Remus even serious? Was he really calm about it? He didn’t care if he had to leave the school? Had Remus gone mad, for real?

“What’s your problem?” Sirius asked seriously, referring to all the strange things Remus had been doing for the past few months, since they came back. Had summer did something to him? Other than puberty hitting him, he meant.

Remus seemed offended, “I’m just smoking. What do you want from me? Really.”

“I meant,” Sirius started, Remus got up and leaned against the window, his arms crossed over his chest, one foot over the other. Sirius’ gaze fall on his lips. They were red and full, closed, big, a bit wet. Sirius just looked at them for a few moments, Remus still waiting for him to continue what he was saying. He felt a little lost now, didn’t remember what he was saying. His cheeks became hot, and he looked away. “I meant,” he repeated, clearing his throat, “in general.”

Remus didn’t answer.

They just looked at each other for a moment, then Remus shrugged. James and Peter came into the room a moment later.

“Lads,” James greeted them, smirking down at Sirius, still laying in his bed. “What you doing in my bed?”

“Didn’t want to move my books,” he said, pointing at his bed with his chin. James laid down next to him and dragged Sirius down with him, wrapping his arm around Sirius’ belly and hiding his face on his neck. Sirius laughed.

“You two are idiots.” Said Peter, giggling, “Moony, can I have a hug too?”

Remus smiled, but did not move, neither hugged Peter. Who slapped his arm.

“Anyway,” James said, against Sirius’ neck, “we have to go, Sirius. Quidditch practice.”

“Oh,” Sirius managed to say, “I don’t know if I feel good enough.” James looked up at him, his breath left Sirius' neck. “I mean, my wrist hurts. I don’t think I should practise today.”

“What? Your wrist hurts? Why?”

Sirius didn't look at him. “I don’t know. If it still hurts, tomorrow I’ll talk to Madam Pomfrey, yeah?”

“You sure? We can go to her now, if you want.”

“Oh, no. Don’t worry. Tomorrow, in case.”

“Sure?”

“Yes.” Sirius said, sitting up. He ran a hand through his hair and looked down, didn't dare to meet Peter or Remus’s gaze.

“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll tell the others. Or you want to come and watch the practise?”

“Oh, no.” Sirius repeated. “I think I’ll just take a shower and… study.”

James raised his eyebrows. “Mh, okay.”

“I still have to study History of Magic.” Peter said. “Wanna come in the library with me?”

Sirius wanted to scream. No, of course he didn’t want to. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Remus you coming too?” He didn't know why he asked.

Remus shook his head, “No, I have something else to do.”

“What do you have to do?” Peter asked him, Remus turned to him.

“Write my mum a letter.”

Peter narrowed his eyes. “Write the letter then come with us?”

Remus kept looking at him. “Pete, leave me alone, yeah?”

Peter didn't say anything else, just turned to Sirius and said: “Let’s go.”

Sirius wanted to reply that he had to shower first, but didn’t, and followed him. Sensing that Remus wanted to be alone. And, like Sirius was hiding to James that he didn't like Quidditch that much, Remus was hiding something from Peter. Or from anyone, really.

*****

Their first Hogsmeade weekend came at the end of October’ second week. The middle of the month.

It was a sunny Saturday. It was the first Hogsmeade weekend for the third years, who seemed extremely excited. Sirius was happy too, needing a break from everything.

Like he had already predicted, Remus had asked Viola out, and she had said yes. Even Peter had tried with the girl he seemed to fancy, but she had said no. James had looked at Lily, but asked nothing. So it was just the three of them. But actually, even when Remus was with them, he wasn't really with them.

The group of students ready to go was gathered in the garden, waiting for the last laggards. Sirius was talking to James and Peter, not looking at Regulus or in Remus and Viola’s direction. When Professor Babbling came to him.

“Mr. Black. I’m sorry to annoy you, but can I talk to you for a second?”

Sirius was tempted to say no, that he just wanted to chill, ask her if they could talk another time. But of course, he said yes.

“I don’t wanna ruin your day or anything,” She started, so there were bad news. “But I wanted to tell you that the test you took on Thursday didn't go well. It’s a 30%, Mr. Black. I’m extremely sorry. I can see you tried your best, but I think I should suggest you again to accept someone’s help.”

Sirius sighed, he already knew it, but it was crap anyway. This time she had said ‘someone’, and not ‘Remus’, but really, Sirius didn't know anyone else to ask.

“Alright.” He just said.

“I’ll let you choose who you want to tutor you. Mine’s a suggestion, but I do think that a little help could be good.”

Sirius nodded. “Yes, I understand. I’ll ask Remus.”

Professor Babbling smiled down at him, “I know you’ll improve, Mr. Black. I won’t loose hope in you. Now, have a good day with your friends.”

He, James and Peter went to the Three Broomsticks Inn and spent their day there. The girls were also with them, even though it was a little awkward without Remus, since he was the one who knew them the most. At the end, they spent a nice afternoon together, and met Remus only when they reached their bedroom. He was already there, sitting in his bed.

“So?” James asked with a big smile, Remus looked up. “How was your date?”

Remus smiled. “Good.”

“Details, Moony. Details!” Peter said, sitting beside him. Remus smiled again.

“What details? It’s not like we had a baby.”

”Who knows. Could have.”

”You have to wait nine months, so no.”

”Whatever. What did you do all day?”

Remus shrugged. “We went for a walk, then we drank something in the tea shop we went to last year and, yeah. It was good.”

“Did you kiss?” Peter asked, jumping on the bed. Remus just kept smiling.

“Well?” James asked, impatient. “Have you kissed or not?”

“Stop it.” Remus said, but somehow couldn't stop smiling.

“Oh my God, you did! Did you? You kissed!”

“Moony!” James screamed.

Remus looked down, now shy. “Yeah.”

“On the mouth?!”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my God,” Peter said again, “Like, just a fast kiss or, like, snogging?”

Remus covered his face in Peter’s neck, probably the first contact Peter had had from him in months.

“Moony!”

“You’re embarrassing me.”

“Oh my God!”

James covered his mouth with his hand. “It was snogging!”

“It was?” Peter shook him, but Remus didn't let go of him and just morphed a: “Maybe.”

“Maybe! He said maybe!”

“Moony, you lucky bastard!”

While the other two kept tormenting Remus with questions he didn't want to answer, Sirius felt a bit of discomfort in his stomach, something weird. Something that he decided to ignore. Something he couldn't understand if it was jealousy that Remus had a girlfriend before him, annoyance because everyone’s attention was on Remus, again, or something else he didn’t recognise yet.

It was, in fact, something else. But it took Sirius a while to figure it out.

Chapter Text

REMUS

There’s been a moment in my life where I felt like being alone was the better option. It never actually happened. I was never alone, as much as I tried to, my friends didn't let me.

There’s been this moment of my life where my emotions seemed to be amplified. The more I felt them, the more I tried to press them down. I feared them, I was scared. I was. Of a lot of things.

It took me a while to understand what love was, and how to feel it. I was scared. Scared of losing the ones I loved the most.

Which, is what happened.

Holy Allegory; Bellini (1490-1500)

*****

Remus’ first date with Viola is a happy memory that never failed to make him smile, even years later, when she was gone, and the only things left of her were just memories. He never forgot that day till the day he died, many years after her.

If you asked fourth year Remus how he would have described the date, he would have said: raspberries. An inside joke of theirs. That day, back in October 1974, Viola and him walked together for a long time. Remus, at some point, reached out and took her hand. She smiled.

There was a lot of things he liked about her. Her personality, open and free; her way of saying things, always knew what she was talking about, never afraid to tell her opinion; her way of seeing things, of perceiving music, or words in books. She was great company. Smart and young and beautiful. (She stayed that way forever, since world decided to took her life too soon. Like a lot of other people in this story, really.)

They had decided to stop by Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop and drink something. The haunt of happy couples. And where they became one. They had drunk tea and looked around, looked at the other couples sitting around them. They had played this game. Studied a couple and told a story about them, invented it at the moment and said how the couple had met, if it was their first date, if they usually kissed in the broom cupboards. At the end of the description, when they were satisfied, they said ‘raspberry’ and took a sip from their cups, full of raspberries tea.

Remus had kissed her against the wall of the Tea Shop. Had taken enough courage and had leaned towards her. His first kiss. Her lips were soft against his, a little doubtful at first, a little shaky, but she soon took full control of the kiss. It was a sweet memory in Remus’ mind.

But let’s go back to the Marauders’ room, a few hours after his date with Viola. Peter and James were screaming, after he had told them about the kiss.

Remus knew he hadn't been fair to them since school had started, especially to Peter. He was aware of it. And was working on it too, or, at least, was trying to. It was just difficult.

It was a particular situation. And Remus was in the need of being loved from someone. Even if he wasn't aware of that. He was in the need to being loved from someone who didn't know him.

And his friends did know him.

At first, Remus hadn’t done it on purpose. He hadn't gone to school that year thinking ‘oh, yes. I’ll ignore my friends from now on.’ No. There was this thing that had slowly appeared, this feeling. The fear of losing the ones he loved. No, that’s not entirely true. He was scared that the ones he loved the most could abandon him. 

Remus’ thoughts during his fourth year at Hogwarts are hard to explain. The need to step back from his loved ones, to not run the risk of being abandoned, like his father had done. In his mind, a person who didn't know the real Remus, couldn't leave him. And, if she decided to do it (I’m talking about Viola, obviously), she wasn't leaving Remus, she was leaving the image he had chosen to show her.

Easy. Painless.

Or so he thought.

The days after their first date, it was snogging everywhere. They met in class, smiled at each other, talked a little. Then they met in places more intimate, alone, and it was kissing and kissing. It was the contact that Remus liked. He had never realised that he liked being touched so much. But he did.

He did, more than anything, like not having to think about anything else when he was with her. They were moments of peace. Home didn’t exist, school didn't exist, nothing. Remus liked to spend time with her, and when it was kissing, it wasn’t talking. Which was better, in his opinion. Why did people have to talk all the time?

Studying wasn’t a problem, but he was spending less time on it than the previous years. And helping others in the library, that, he was avoiding it. Kept himself always busy. Alone. Reading, writing, studying music, playing the piano.

Oh, and Sirius was spying on him every night. It had been almost a week since Remus had first smelt his scent behind him, probably hidden in the stairs.

After that first night, Sirius kept going, and Remus knew about it.

Well, he wasn’t ashamed of it. If people wanted to listen to him play, it was fine. And, Sirius hadn’t mentioned it yet, so the problem didn’t exist. Remus wondered if now that he had to tutor him in Runes the topic would come out.

Remus actually told Sirius no, at first, that he wasn’t going to help him, but then Professor Babbling had asked him as well. He had smiled and accepted. Very happy about it. Yes. Very.

The first tutoring session was that Wednesday, which is the point where I’ll start my narration now.

They were in the Common Room, sitting in front of the couch. The room was almost empty, everyone was outside, or in the library, or in their rooms. James and Peter were playing soccer outside with the girls. Soccer. James had figured out about it the week before and had somehow convinced the girls to show him how to play. Marlene was actually really good at it, Remus had seen her, and Mary was good too, saying she always played soccer with her cousins during summer. Lily had never played, but was outside with them as well, maybe playing, or being the coach, Remus didn’t know.

“This is weird.” Sirius said, calling back his attention. Remus’ eyes left the window and turned to him.

“Right,” he sighed, “let’s do it quickly, then. Do you wanna start translating the paper we have to do for next week?”

Sirius didn't seem sure. “Uhm.”

“How low is your level?”

“Oi, don’t assume my level is low.”

Remus looked at him, his eyes thin. “You asked me to help you, your level must be low.”

“It’s just- I don’t really study the subject that much.”

Oh, Remus knew that. James and Sirius barely opened their books. They did good in everything, yes, but surely not because they studied. They did good, but not excellent, and Remus wanted to be excellent, so their method didn't fit him. He wanted to be the best, or nothing.

Also, Runes wasn't a subject in which Sirius and James’ method could work. You had to study if you wanted to be good.

“How did the test we did last week go?” Remus asked.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “If I asked you to help me, not well.”

“And this ‘not well’ how much not well is?”

Sirius rolled is eyes again. “I did 30%”

Oh, so it really was that bad.

Remus tried not to be too hard with him. “I think we should start, then. I can help you doing the translation, see what seem to be more difficult to you and try to make you understand it. I can lend you the translations we did last weeks, and maybe you can see what you did wrong. I know you won't like to hear that, but if you don't start studying you’ll never understand anything about the subject.”

Sirius sighed. He stayed silent for a moment, looking down at his feet, then nodded. “Right. Let’s start this translation.”

“Yes.”

They spent the next two hours trying to do at least half of the text they had to translate. Sirius even had difficulty recognising the letters, which was the basis of Runes. It had been two hours that had felt like twenty. At the end of it, they were both exhausted.

“Can we do the other half another day?” Sirius asked, closing his eyes and dropping his head back against the couch. The Common Room had started to fill now, and the noise was starting to increase.

Remus was thinking the same thing, and nodded, even if Sirius had his eyes closed. “Yeah, I think it’s better if we stop. It’s useless to keep going if our brains don't connect anymore.”

“My brain surely doesn't connect anymore.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

Sirius showed him the middle finger, his eyes still closed. Remus closed both his and Sirius’ books, his ears caught James’ steps, then Peter’s, then the girls’. They appeared a moment later in the Common Room.

“Moony! Have you killed him?!” Screamed James, when he saw Sirius laying against the couch. The boy opened his eyes and looked up, James smiled down at him. “Oh, you’re alive.”

“I’m not sure about that. Remus did kill me, actually. Two hours of translating, that’s how I imagine hell to look like.”

“Good,” James said, patting Remus’ shoulder, “that means Moony has done his job well.”

“What have you done?” Mary asked, she sat down on the couch, her legs next to Remus' back, still sitting on the floor. She sank her fingers into his hair, Remus smiled up at her. She always did things like that, he had noticed. He didn't know her intentions behind these actions, but hoped they were just friendly. Mary was amazing, nice and pretty. She was fantastic, Remus really thought that. But his interest was for someone else.

“Moony’s helping Sirius in Runes.” James answered for them. Remus and Sirius turned to each other, their eyes met.

“Without killing each other?”

“For now.” Remus replied, closing his eyes now. Mary kept massaging his hair. Lily sat down on the floor next to him and put her head on his shoulder. Without looking, he knew that Peter and Marlene were still standing in front of the fireplace.

“Wouldn't your girlfriend be jealous of this scene?” Sirius asked, obviously talking to Remus, who opened his eyes and met Sirius’ ones again. Mary’s hand stopped for a second, Lily didn't move her head away.

“Your girlfriend?” Mary asked.

Remus kept looking at Sirius. “She’s not my girlfriend. Yet.”

“Who?” Mary asked again.

“Oh my God. Viola!?” Lily said, sitting up straight and shaking Remus’ arm.

Sirius never interrupted the eye contact with Remus, couldn't he just shut the fuck up? What the hell was his problem.

“Viola? You fancy Viola?” Mary asked, her hand was now completely still.

“I knew it!” Lily said, trying to catch Remus’ attention.

“I never realised it. Is it true, Remus?” Mary kept asking.

“It’s true.” Peter said, “They also went on a date Saturday.”

“Really!?”

“Can y’all stop?” Remus breathed, he was starting to get annoyed with all of them. Couldn't they mind their own business? Couldn't they shut up?

Mary continued with her questions. “You went on a date with Viola?”

Lily too. “I knew it. You always do everything to impress her. Does she like you back?”

James smirked. “Oh, she does. She definitely does…”

“Shut the fuck up, everyone.” Remus blurted out. They stopped, but a moment later James smiled.

“C’mon Moony, don’t be embarrassed.”

And again, Mary. “She said she likes you?”

Lily. “I knew it!”

Oh, and Marlene. “Wait, is Viola Dorcas Meadowes’ best friend? Viola Smith?”

“Yes, Marlene.”

“Oh, her. She seems nice.”

“Moony still has to introduce her to us.” James complained.

“I talked with her,” Peter said, “at the Quidditch game.”

“She’s nice?” James kept going.

“Yes, she really is.” Lily said. James’ eyes brightened, Lily had spoken to him.

“But-“ Mary started. Remus had had enough.

“Fuck off, for fuck sake! Mind your fucking business, God. I told you to fucking stop, so stop! You’re so fucking annoying when you do that. Why don't you go fuck yourselves, mh? Or talk about your shitty lives? It seems like you can’t do it, because all you fucking do is talk about my life all the time. Leave me the fuck alone, fucking hell. Fuck off.”

He got up immediately. Lily gasped. Mary let her hand fall against her knee. Peter’s eyes widened. Marlene stepped back. James sat up straight. Sirius swallowed.

Remus was amazed by all the ‘fuck’s he had said. Ten.

“Moony-“ Peter tried, Remus heard, but ignored him and stormed out the room to go for a walk.

*****

Either he did not speak at all or he shouted. That’s how his conversations with his friends went lately.

That night he skipped dinner and stayed in the Astronomy tower smoking, looking at the sky turn from light blue, to red, to dark blue. He waited for hours, hoping dinner had finished, hoping that night had passed so he could go back to the Gryffindor Common Room without finding his friends there. Waited without knowing what time it was, waited and hoped it was passing quickly.

He heard someone steps at some point, they were none of his friends’, but they were similar to the steps of someone he knew. It took him a second to figure it out.

Regulus. It was him.

When Remus realised, it was too late, because the boy asked: “Sirius? Is it you?” Remus met his eyes, and Regulus stopped. “Oh, sorry. I thought you were my brother.”

Remus shrugged, “Nah, not really.”

“Right.” He didn't leave, he stayed there, looking at Remus.

Remus stared back at him. He took the last drags his cigarette. “Uhm, you were waiting for Sirius? Your meetings, right?” He asked. Regulus was really similar to Sirius, just with shorter hair, and higher cheekbones. Younger. Which, in fact, he was.

“Well, yes. But,” Regulus cleared his throat, “I don’t think he’ll come. He’s angry with me, I’m sure he won't come.”

Sirius hadn't talked about meeting Regulus that night. He always did when he had to, but this time he hadn't mentioned it. Remus didn't tell Regulus this, he just shrugged again.

“I don't know, sorry. We don’t really talk that much.”

Regulus almost laughed. “Oh, I know that. Trust me.”

Remus turned off the cigarette against the wall, Regulus’ eyes followed his movements.

“You have one for me too?”

Remus looked up surprised. 

“You smoke?”

“Well, I don’t. But I wanna try one, can I?”

Remus wasn't sure about it. He maintained the eye contact with Regulus, thought if Sirius would have been happy about it, then remembered that he didn't give a damn about Sirius and nodded. “I have to roll it first.”

“Okay.”

Regulus moved closer to him and leaned against the wall, looking down at Remus’ hands working.

“Remus?”

Remus looked up, Regulus was still looking at his hands. “Yeah?”

“Sirius is not sick, right? Or, something, I don’t know. He could have came if he wanted to, right?”

Remus kept looking at him. Sirius usually couldn't wait to see his brother. It was something serious for them, Remus figured.

“Uhm, maybe he was sick. I don’t know, sorry. I’m sure he wanted to see you. Maybe, if you said he’s angry he won't come tonight, but he will next time. I think. You know he’s stubborn.”

Regulus smiled, “Yeah, I know. I remember when Andromeda, our cousin, left. He couldn't understand why she did it, he was too angry to open his eyes.”

Remus licked the cigarette adhesive and closed it, then handed it to Regulus, trying to deflect the topic. He knew very little about Sirius’ cousin, he had told only James about it. “Here.”

“Thank you.”

Remus produced a small flame on his index finger and lit up the cigarette. Regulus, without any warning, inhaled and exhaled without problem. Remus thinned his eyes, was it really the first time he tried to smoke?

“How can you do that?” Regulus asked him, while Remus started rolling another cigarette for himself.

“What?”

“The flame on your finger.”

“I read a lot and learnt how to do it.”

“Right,” Regulus exhaled again, “Sirius has told me that.”

“What?” Remus asked again, not looking up. He had put too much tabacco in his cigarette and was undecided whether to keep it or remove it a little. He decided to keep it.

“You’re the one who's always reading.”

“That’s my presentation?”

“And all the complaints he has about you.”

Remus actually laughed. Regulus smiled too. He already knew that, somehow.

“Don’t you wanna know what he says about you?” Regulus asked, Remus shrugged.

“I don’t care, actually.”

Regulus kept quiet, while Remus finished his cigarette and lit it up.

“I told him something really mean, last time we met there.” Regulus said, looking at the sky. “I’m sorry about it, but he doesn't give me the chance to apologise to him. Do you think he’s more, like, sad, lately?”

Remus didn't know how to tell him that he knew really little about Sirius. He didn't notice these things, not about Sirius.

“I don’t know, sorry. I don’t know him that well.”

Regulus didn’t seem satisfied with that answer, maybe he was hoping to have found James here, instead of him.

Remus decided to add: “I find him a bit different lately, actually. Like, he’s far away?” He tried, and, finally, Regulus looked up.

“Yes, I think that too. I think he’s trying to get used to all the changes that are happening.”

“What changes?” Remus asked. He didn't know what to say, really.

“Uhm, like having more classes to do, more Quidditch practises, crushes on girls. You know…”

“I guess.” Remus nodded.

“And… home too.” Regulus said in a whisper, Remus caught it, but didn't know if he should pretend he hadn’t.

“I don’t think I’m the right person to talk about this.”

“Sorry. I just wanted to know if he talks about home with you.”

“Maybe with James, not with me. I’m sorry.”

“Right,” Regulus sighed, “James. His best friend.” There was irony in Regulus’ voice, Remus tried to ignore it.

“Yeah, they are good friends.”

“He likes him better than me, doesn't he?”

Remus didn't know what to say, once again. “No, I don't think so. I’m sure he doesn’t.”

“We meet there every week and look at the stars, I think I’m the only one who likes to watch them, but he just stays here with me. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I’m happy that he does. That he stays with me, I mean.”

Remus let him talk, felt that he needed to, and let him. He always did so, when people needed to vent, he listened to them. Tried to make them feel better. “You’re not being selfish. Really.”

“Do you have any siblings?”

“No,” Remus shook his head, “I don’t.” He put out his cigarette and stretched his back. Regulus was looking up at him.

“Oh, sorry, you have to go back?”

“No, really. I’m trying to avoid my friends, actually.”

“Had a fight?”

“Kind of. Just annoyed with them.”

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re not one who likes to talk that much, are you?” Regulus asked, smirking up at him. A little smile started to appear on Remus’ lips too.

“Not really.”

“Me neither.”

“What a couple we make.”

Regulus smiled again, “Who would have thought that I could find myself talking to the one Sirius always talks bad about?”

“Mhh, lovely.”

“You seem cool, though.”

“Thanks.”

“Welcome. So, let’s just spend the night here in silence?”

“Deal.”

When Remus went back to the Gryffindor Common Room, it was empty.

He was tired.

For the first time in months, he was so tired that he couldn't wait to go to bed and sleep. He ignored the piano, his book, everything, and went upstairs to his bedroom, where he found Sirius still awake. He sat up when Remus entered, they looked at each other for a second, Sirius looked like he was about to say something, but didn’t. Remus went to the bathroom, then to his bed and casted a silencing spell, put on his pyjama, and went to sleep.

*****

“My brother’s in his last year of university,” Viola was telling Remus. “He wants to travel when he’s done studying. I wish I could follow him.”

“He’s not a wizard?” He asked, looking up at the ceiling.

“No, I’m the only one who got the letter. My parents were confused at first, didn’t know what Hogwarts was, weren’t too happy about it either, but Dumbledore probably told them something really convincing, because they let me come and now they’re very happy about me being here. My brother is too.”

“Yeah?” Remus looked down at her, they were sitting on the floor of the Ravenclaw Common Room. Remus wasn’t sure if he was allowed to be in their Common Room, but no one had said anything so far. A lot of people knew him, but other than saying hi, they hadn't kicked him out yet.

“Hi Viola, hi Remus.” A girl stopped by, they looked up at her.

“Hi Emmeline,” Remus said.

Emmeline smiled at them again before leaving.

“Lily has a sister who didn't get the letter and is a muggle, she hates Lily now. Because she’s a wizard, and she’s not.” Remus told Viola, who shook her head.

“It’s not like that for me, luckily. I’m very close with my brother, and I think he’s kind of relieved that I’m the only one who’s a wizard, I think he prefers his muggle life. He wants to open a restaurant, a lot of restaurants, all his. Like McDonald's.”

“I bet he can cock, then. When school’s over, what you want to do?” Remus asked, “Like, you wanna find a muggle job or something here, in the Wizarding World?”

Viola pursed her lips, “I want to be a writer.” She smiled at him, “Can you imagine, I wanna write books that both worlds would love. Viola Smith, does it sound good? Is it a good name to pronounce?”

Remus smiled back. “It is. I can’t wait to read your books, then.”

“I also wanna follow my brother's example. I wanna travel the world. And if I’ll get tired of it, I’ll just settle down in a small house in the north of Italy and read books and drink iced tea.”

Remus smiled again. “That’s a really good plain. Amazing, actually. I think I wanna travel too. I’ve never gone anywhere, beside my hometown and here. Hogsmade if you want to count it, but nothing more. Why don't you follow your brother? In his travels.”

“I could,” Viola nodded, “but I’m not so sure I want to spend everyday being the third-well between him and his boyfriend.” She smirked up at Remus, whose eyebrows raised up.

“Your brother and… his boyfriend?” He cleared his throat.

“Yeah. My parents were confused at first. I was too, I never realised that he liked guys, but he does. His boyfriend’s really nice, they’ve been together for two years now.”

“Oh.”

Viola became serious. “Does that annoy you or something?”

“No, really.” He shook his head. “Really no. Nothing annoys me. I share the room with the son of a blood supremacist family, I don’t have any prejudices. I mean, I don’t like him, but not because of that.”

Viola laughed. “You better. I think you’re cool, it would have been a shame to find out you were an idiot.”

“Well, thanks for the ‘cool’, I guess.” Remus smirked at her. Viola moved her hair behind her shoulders, they were short, a bit longer than her shoulders length, but she always did that thing where she moved them over her shoulders. Remus found her really pretty.

He stepped closer and kissed her on the red lips covered in lipstick. It was almost dinnertime, and Remus hadn't seen his friends since lunch. It was two days after he had screamed at them, and he hadn't made up with any of them yet, they just sat together at lunch and dinner, but he never talked much. Nor listened. He just sat there, really. Too stubborn to say anything.

“I should go,” he sighed, “they’re gonna serve dinner soon.”

“Ah, yes. Dorcas should come back from her Quidditch practise soon. See you tomorrow?”

“Have to help Sirius with Runes. It’s shit, but I have to.”

“Oh yes. Your study groups, I remember you doing these last year.”

“Oh, I don’t anymore. I’m just helping Sirius right now.”

“Why don't you do them anymore?”

Remus got up and filled his cheeks with air, shrugging. “Don’t know. Don’t think they were that useful for people anyway, I just helped sometimes.”

Viola smiled up at him. “That’s not true.”

Remus smirked again. “How can you even know?”

She got up too. “Just know it. I also wanted to come once last year, to impress you or something. Never did though.”

“Excuse me, what?”

“What? I’ve always thought you were nice. I didn't know you, but, I mean, you’re handsome. C’mon. A lot of people think that, I already told you, don’t act surprised.”

“Yeah, but you didn't tell me you had a crush on me.”

“I didn't have a crush on you,” Viola slapped his arm. Remus laughed. “And, you've changed a lot from that first day of first year. You, yeah- Shut up.”

"First day of first year?"

"Yeah. I woke you up, in the train. You were late."

"It was you?!"

Viola shrugged. "Yeah. I just- remembered you face."

“So you did have a crush on me.” Remus kept going, wrapping his arms around her sides, Viola tried to get off.

“I didn’t! Ugh. I did not, and stop it. Didn’t you have dinner? Bye. Go. Bye.”

Remus held her close to his chest, smiled down at her, and made their lips join. They kissed for a while, and when Remus found himself satisfied and out of breath, they broke apart and smiled at each other again.

“See you on Sunday?”

She nodded, “Yeah.”

“Bye, Purple.”

He got out of the Ravenclaw Common Room with a big smile on his lips, his hands inside his jeans pockets. Greeted people he knew, smiled all around. He met Lily outside the Great Hall.

“Remus.”

He lifted his chin, “Hi.”

Lily cleared his throat. “Uhm, you have…” She licked her finger and morphed a ‘sorry’, then started brushing it against his upper lip. Remus’ eyes widened.

“What are you doing?”

“Lipstick, you have it on your lips.”

“Oh.”

Lily kept cleaning him until every trace of red was gone. She smiled up at him. “Done.”

“Er, thanks. Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about.”

“Guess.”

“I am sorry about the other night,” Lily said, “Mary and Marlene are too. We didn't mean to annoy you, really. I know you don't really like to talk about these things, James and the others should've let you alone. Mary and I too. You don’t have to tell us anything.”

“I just wanna keep it… private. Sorry." He looked at his hands on his pockets. "It was true. I mean, that I’m seeing Viola. But I don't to make a big deal about it. I want to be serious with her. Don’t, like, mess it up. I really like her. But it's my thing.”

Lily put an arm around his shoulders, “Oh, I know. You’re such a good guy, Remus, I hope you don’t mess it up with her. I’m sure you won’t.” She smiled. “Uhm, can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

“I like someone too.”

Remus turned to her, “Who?!”

“Shh. Mr. Private boy.”

“Oh my God, please not Snivellus…”

“Oh, no! He’s just a friend.”

“Thank God.” Remus sighed, a trace of hope ran through his heart. “James?”

Lily’s face contorted in disgust. “Hell no, ew. Never. Fuck's sake, not that.”

"He's my friend, you know."

She ignored him. “He’s a Hufflepuff. His name’s Liam, he’s in the Quidditch team.”

“Liam who?”

“Jenkins. You don’t know him, he’s older. Two years older.”

“So he’s almost seventeen?”

“Already is. Yeah. Fuck. He’ll never fancy someone like me.”

“Maybe he’s too old for you, Lily. I mean, I know it’s just two years of difference, but we’re fourteen…”

“First, I’m fifteen in… three months. Second, you also have a girlfriend.” Her grip on his shoulder fell.

“Yeah, but she’s our age.”

“What are you, my dad? Telling me who I am allowed to go out with?”

"No, of course not."

"Shut up, then."

He had a vague memory of Liam Jenkins now. “Wait, you mean that prick with the glasses? He’s a sixth year, who likes to bully younger students, you can do better, Lily.”

“Shut up.”

“And he’s practically identical to James!”

She faked a gag. “Hell no, he isn’t. Liam’s handsome, James’s… James.”

“Why don’t you give James an opportunity?” Remus tried, Lily rolled her eyes.

“I’d rather be alone forever.”

“That’s so dramatic.”

“I’m starving.”

“Same. Let’s go.”

*****

They never really made up after that episode in the Common Room, they just went back to talking without mentioning it. Remus helped Sirius in Runes that Saturday afternoon, and their study session went pretty much like the first on. They just translated and finished their homework for Monday. Nothing more, nothing less.

On Sunday he went out with Viola, they took a walk around the Great Lake, held hands, snogged behind a tree. They spent a good day together.

The rest of the week passed like any other. He studied, read some books, played the piano till late, listened to his records, helped Sirius in Runes, met Viola, smoked tones of cigarettes. Pretty much that.

His tutoring sessions with Sirius went pretty well. They just studied, never really spoke about anything else. Sirius was weird, sometimes he got distracted and just stared at Remus, then shook his head and turned to the other side, saying ‘sorry’ in a whisper.

Every night they stayed all together in the Common Room, the Marauders and the girls. They put on some music and spent the night in front of the fireplace. Remus usually read his books, sat next to Peter, who sometimes put his head on Remus’ shoulder and read his book too. He asked him if everything was okay, and Remus always reassured him that yes, he was fine. In fact, he did feel bad about not taking to him. But he couldn't do it, so he just shrugged it off every time.

“Moony,” Peter started one night, at the end of the week, his voice against Remus’ neck, “about your study groups. Someone asked me again if you’re going to do them. People really needs them.”

Remus sighed. “I told you, I don’t wanna do them this year.”

“I know, but you always help me when I ask you. And you’re helping Sirius now, the girls too if they ask you. Why don’t you wanna do it with more people like last years? You were so good at it, I’m serious.”

“I just don’t wanna do it.”

“But why?”

“Because I don’t fucking want to. End of story.”

Peter sat up and pouted, James had stopped talking to Mary and was looking at them now. Sirius, from his spot on the floor in front of the fireplace, subtly turned to them as well.

“I don’t fucking understand you anymore, Remus.” Peter said, keeping his voice quiet, not wanting to bring everyone's attention on them.

“What’s it so hard to understand?”

“Everything. You never talk to me and act like you want me to ask you if everything’s fine. But when I do ask you, you shrug me off and go back to ignoring me.”

Remus’ eyebrows twitched. Because yes, what Peter was saying was true, but fuck off. “Well, I’m not acting like I want you to ask me if everything’s fine, in fact I do not want you to ask me.”

“I’m not stupid, I know something’s off. I just wanna help, you know I do, but I can’t fucking read your mind.”

“Well,” Remus repeated, “I'm not asking you to. I don’t need your help.”

“Well,” Peter got up brutally, “fuck off. Go to your girlfriend and keep ignoring me, you already do it anyway.”

Peter’s feet fell hardly on the floor and stormed out of the room, running up the stairs. Everyone followed him with their gazes, Remus did too, before sitting back down and closing his eyes. The others were all turned to him when he opened them again, but he ignored them and went back to his book like nothing had happened. He could feel their eyes in him, no one dared to talk. And neither did he.

He tried to concentrate on the book he was reading, tried to isolate from the sounds of the Common Room, tried not to meet his friends’ eyes. The girls went to bed at some point and left Sirius, James and him there. Lily kissed his cheek, Remus looked up at her.

“Ugh, when it’s going to be my turn?” James asked, his gaze following Lily up the stairs. “We could be the best couple of our year.”

“She’ll fall in love with you at some point, James.” Sirius smirked, “I’m sure about it.”

“Thanks, S. If you were a girl, would you fall in love with me?”

“Obviously. I already am in love with you.” Sirius tried to kiss James’ cheek.

“Fuck off, I’m serious. You Moony, would you fancy me if you were a girl?”

Remus smirked back at him. “You are not really my type.”

“Oh c’mon!”

“It’s the glasses, sorry.”

“Do you think she doesn't like me because of the glasses?” James asked, worried, and took off his glasses. Remus laughed.

“I literally heard Mary and her talking about Liam Jenkins earlier. He has glasses as well.” Sirius said. 

“Jenkins?!” James gasped, “Are you kidding me?! He’s- he’s… first of all, how old is he?! Second of all, what? Ew. I mean, better than Snivellus, I guess. Here, if she liked Snape, I would have cried for days, but Jenkins’s fine. When she'll understand that I’m better than him it’s done. I just have to wait.”

Sirius met Remus’ eyes, “Sure.”

“Fuck off.”

“Beside,” Sirius continued, “with saying that you and Lily would be the best couple of our year you’re basically implying that Remus and Viola aren’t the best one.”

“Sorry Moony, I didn't mean that.”

Remus smiled at James. “Well, you’re not going to become a couple soon, so I don’t have to worry.”

James sighed, “Fuck off the both of you.”

They kept quiet for a moment, Remus sat on the couch while James and Sirius were both on the floor.

“Everything okay between you and Pete, right?” James asked after a while, his brown eyes firm on Remus’ ones.

Remus shrugged, “Yeah, I think. I guess I-“ He stopped, not sure of what he was going to say. “Yeah, everything’s gonna be fine.”

“Cool.” James nodded, “We’re the last ones here, should we go to bed?”

“You go, I’ll stay here a bit longer.” He showed them his book, “I’ll finish this.”

“Okay, Moony. Goodnight.” James ruffled his hair and disappeared. Sirius waved and followed him. As if Remus didn't know that he would come back in fifteen minutes to hear him play the piano.

And, he did. Remus was playing Eroica by Beethoven when he heard Sirius' steps. He kept playing, listened to the symphony his fingers were creating. He played it a bit slower, then increased the speed, then played it in the right tune. When the symphony was over, he looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

“Sirius.” His voice reached the room's walls. Sirius didn't reply, nor moved. “Sirius, I know you’re here.”

Nothing. Remus turned to the stairs, where he knew Sirius was hiding. Nothing. He sighed again. “Come out, c’mon. It’s not like it’s the first time you sit there and listen to me play.”

Sirius’ head popped out and they just looked at each other for a moment, before Sirius got up and stared down at his feet.

“You knew I was here?”

“You’ve been sitting there for the whole month.”

“You knew?!”

“You forgot that I can recognise your smell? And your feet steps. And feel there’s another heartbeat in the room.”

Sirius’ eyes widened. “Oh. I forgot.”

“Yeah, I figured as much.” Remus pursed his lips and looked around, his feet against the cold floor. Sirius kept looking at him.

“You knew I was here, so why did you keep playing?”

Remus kept looking in front of him. A t the fire. “It’s not like I’m ashamed of playing in front of people.”

“But you never do. I didn't even know you played.”

Remus moved just his eyes. “I don’t find it necessary to let everyone that I can play, but if someone wanna listen to me, I don’t have any problems.”

“Even if it’s me?”

Remus' head now turned to Sirius. “What about you?”

Sirius looked away. “Nothing.”

Remus didn't look away though, and at some point Sirius met his eyes again. Sirius’ heart started beating faster, but Remus didn’t really think about it.

“Anyway,” Sirius continued, “it’s not like… I mean, I listen to you just because you play well and I can’t sleep. Nothing else.”

Remus shrugged. “Okay?”

“Listening to music makes me feel better when I can’t sleep.” Sirius thought it was necessary to add that.

Remus nodded and replied with: “Same.”

“And you can’t sleep every night?”

“If you come listening to me, it means you can’t sleep either.” Remus replied, Sirius’ lips formed a line.

“Touchè.”

They kept quiet again, looking at each other, before Remus thinned his eyes. “So you’re staying tonight as well?”

Sirius’ heart fastened again, Remus’ eyebrows wrinkled confused.

“Right, no, I’ll go to bed.”

Remus turned to the piano, his finger fell softy on the keys. “I don’t care if you stay, just don’t sneak here and hide, I know you’re here anyway.”

“Yeah, I got it.”

Remus played some notes casually on the piano and tapped his foot on the floor, making a tune.

“…so, I can stay?”

Remus ignored the question and started playing again. Sirius didn't make a move, just looked at his back. After a few songs, Remus stopped and Sirius sat down on the couch.

“You’ve talked to Peter?” Remus asked with his eyes closed, his back to Sirius.

“He was already sleeping.”

“Right.”

“What have you told him?” Sirius asked, accusatory tone and all that. Remus pouted to himself.

“I did not tell him anything.”

Sirius stayed silent, then said: “You shouldn't be so hard on Peter.”

“I’m not.”

“No, I know you probably aren’t. On purpose. But Peter depends on you a lot, and I get it if you wanna be alone, but he’s lost without you. If you ignore him, he’s gonna notice it more than anyone else.”

“I know he sometimes depends on me,” Remus said, because of course he knew, “but… it’s not like I want to ignore him, I just wanna be alone sometimes. Not really alone, but… it’s difficult to explain. I don’t know how to tell him without making him feel bad or think that he did something bad. It’s not his fault, it’s mine.”

“Just tell him that," Sirius simply said. "Because, trust me, if you don’t talk to him, he’s gonna feel worse.”

Remus slowly turned to Sirius and said nothing, the boy just looked at him.

“Okay.”

Sirius cleared his throat, “Yeah, tell him, it’s gonna be fine.” He got up and looked around, “I should really go to bed.”

Remus didn't say anything, he didn't know if he had to say ‘thank you’ or something, but he didn’t anyway. He turned back to the piano, followed Sirius’ steps without really looking at him.

“Uhm, Remus?”

“Yes?”

“You think…” Sirius rubbed the back of his neck, under his black long hair, “like, you think I depend on James? Like Peter depends on you?”

Yeah, way more, actually. Remus wanted to say.

“I think you do.”

“But not, like… it’s not that I don’t have my own personality, right?”

Remus didn't turn to him. Didn't know that Sirius was looking down, embarrassed.

“Well, I don’t really know you.” Remus said, which was true. He realised in that moment that he and Sirius were having an actual conversation with each other. It felt weird, but Remus didn't drop it, he let Sirius say what he wanted to say.

But he did not say anything, really. “Right. Well, goodnight.”

Sirius disappeared upstairs, and Remus abandoned his forehead against the piano keys, producing a big sound all at once, which stopped gradually. After a few minutes, Remus went to bed too.

*****

“You’ve talked with my brother?”

Sirius appeared next to him on Monday morning, while Remus was coming out of the library. They had had a free hour, and he had spent it in the library, alone. Peter was still mad at him, and Remus hadn't talked to him yet. Something he wasn't planning to do soon, since the full moon was approaching, and Remus was feeling like he was outside his own mind.

“Mh?”

“Regulus. You’ve talked to him?”

Remus stopped where he was and thought, “Oh, yes.”

Sirius seemed annoyed by that information. “Why?!”

Remus flinched and whined. His head hurt, and his bones too. He massaged his temples. “We just found ourselves in the same place at the same time. It’s not a big deal, what’s the problem?”

Sirius grabbed his elbow and his fingers tightened around the fabric of Remus' uniform. He studied Remus’ features. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just a bit of an headache. It’s the moon.”

Sirius didn't let go of his elbow, Remus realised where his hand was and looked down at it, before meeting Sirius’ eyes, who were studying him with a concerned look. The boy's face wasn't too far from his, and since Remus was a bit taller than him, Sirius looked up at him, his mouth agape. Sirius took a breath that seemed to last forever and, for a moment, Remus realised how much the boy was clinging to him. Right when Sirius’ gaze fell from Remus’ eyes to his lips, he let go of him and took a step back.

“You should lay down if you don’t feel good.” Sirius cleared his throat, avoiding eye contact.

Remus stretched his back, every muscles of his body hurt, his face contorted in pain. “I’m fine. We have three other classes this morning, I can do it.”

“Want me to help you with your books?”

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, “No? What’s up with you this morning, Sirius? You need a favour or something?”

Sirius’ eyes widened a bit, then he took another step back. “I was just trying to be nice, asshole. What’s up with you this morning?”

“I told you, it’s the moon.” Remus looked around and sighed. “It’s wrecking me this month.”

“Do something that could make you relax a bit, maybe you won’t be a pain in the ass.”

Remus faked a smile and sighed again. “It’s not that easy, genius. Playing the piano makes me calm down when I’m angry, but it’s not like playing some symphonies will soothe my…” they were surrounded by people, “my other self. It’s not that easy.”

“I bet you haven't even tried it.”

“I don’t need to. I already know it won't work.”

Sirius shrugged, “Whatever. What class do we have now?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Charms.”

But then, bingo. A small memory came up to his mind. He stopped again, and turned to Sirius, who looked at him confused. Suddenly, Sirius Black had become a genius.

*****

Right after his last morning class, before lunch, Remus hurried back to their dormitory. The others went to the Great Hall, asked him if he was okay and told him they would wait for him there. Remus just nodded, and tried to reach the Gryffindor tower as fast as his hip would allow.

He looked around, under his bed, in his nightstand, in the back of the closet. Everywhere, till he found “The Creatures of the Night”. The book that Kettleburn had given him almost two months before and that Remus hadn’t opened ever since.

He immediately opened the chapter he was looking for, ‘Ways to make the transformation less painful’, and started reading it. He stayed with his nose buried in the pages, ignoring the fact that it was lunchtime, ignoring everything around him.

Almost an hour later, he got up with the book under his arm and decided to head to the library. He was marching towards it, then stopped, took a long breath and headed for the Great Hall instead. His three best friends were sitting at the end of the table, done with their lunch. When they saw him coming, they all looked up at once.

“Moony.” James said, “What have you been? You skipped lunch. I’m sure the house elves will make you something if you ask them…”

Remus interrupted him. “I’m not hungry, thank you. Pete,” he turned to the blonde boy, who looked up at him with his mouth agape, “I need to look for a spell in the library, uhm, you wanna help me?” He tried, a little smile forming on his lips.

Peter stayed silent for a moment, then nodded. “Okay.”

Remus smiled bigly. “Thank you.”

“You wanna go now?”

“Yes, if you’re free.”

Peter got up, “I’m free.” He said nothing more and started walking towards the door. Remus shared a quick look with Sirius, before following Peter. They walked next to each other in silence till they reached the library.

“What do you have to look for?” Peter asked before they entered, Remus stopped and handed him the book.

“Kettleburn gave me this book months ago, I read that I can try to, like, calm my wolf self, during the transformation. People try to do things they like before the transformation, like hobbies. Someone sing, or cook, or paint. I don’t do any of that, but I can play the piano.”

“You can play the piano?” Peter asked, looking up at him. He was reading the page that Remus had told him to look at.

“I learned this summer. There’s a broken piano in the Shrieking Shack. I wanna try to fix it, but I don’t know how to do it. That’s why I need to look for a spell.”

“Okay.” Peter said, looking straight into Remus’ eyes, “Let’s find it then.”

Remus just smiled.

It was good to have Peter there, they didn’t need to talk. They sat in a empty table at the end of the room, the library was almost empty, since it was right after lunch, so the atmosphere was quiet. Remus took a few books and Peter took others, and they started their research. They probably had to find more than one spell, so every time they found something that they could use they wrote it down.

Almost two hours later, they found themselves with a list of spells that could, or couldn’t, make the piano in the Shrieking Shack work. Remus was pretty satisfied.

“You think you can do it?” Peter asked, sending the books he had used back in their places without getting up from his chair, a trick that Remus had taught him.

“I hope so. Just, what if I can actually make the piano work, but nothing changes during the full moon?”

Peter looked up at him. (And wished they could already become Animagi to help his best friend. Remus knew nothing about that.) “At least you would have tried it, even if it doesn’t work. Your transformations are so bad?”

“Lately they've been a bit better, but it's happened before, and it never lasts long. Last year I had a few, like, good moons. I was fine, nothing too bad. I felt good the next day. But then I had probably the worst moons of my life. I’m afraid it’s gonna happen again. The last ones have been good, but who knows if the next is going to be hell.” Remus took a long breath, “I just wanna try something, Poppy says that, since my body is growing, the suffering will probably grow as well. This summer’s moons have been shit.”

“I believe that,” Peter said, “your body has grown a lot. You are at least three inches taller than last year.”

“Yeah.” And I couldn't stand that I had to see my father the morning after, Remus would've added, but didn’t.

“Okay, so…” Peter rubbed the back of his neck and looked at him out of the corner of his eye, thinking Remus hadn't caught him doing so. “You’re gonna try them, yeah? You’ll tell me if they worked?”

Remus looked down at him, Peter was the shortest one between them, but really, everyone was shorter than Remus, so he was always looking down. He was starting to get the hump on his back. Peter continued to avoid meeting his eyes, but Remus didn't give up and kept looking at him in silence until Peter looked up as well.

When their eyes finally met, he tried saying: “You could come and see if they work. With me.”

Peter’s eyebrows shot up, “In the Shrieking Shack?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

Remus pursed his lips, “James has an invisibility cloak, hasn't he?”

And that’s how they did it. They went in their room, found James doing pushups on the floor and Sirius trying to do his Runes translation on his own. He was using Remus’ notes, and looked up when they walked in, his eyebrow frowning. James kept doing his pushups until he reached thirty, then he stopped, sighed, and looked up too.

They took the cloak, which James agreed to lend them without asking why they needed it. Just let them borrow it. Bless him.

Remus did a spell on the Whomping Willow and made it stop moving, so they could enter the tunnel. He had seen Madam Pomfrey do it so many times.

They didn't talk much in the tunnel. When they reached the room Remus used to transform in, he looked at the floor and said nothing, just let Peter look around on his own. The boy’s breath was fastening.

“You spend the moons… here?” He asked, his voice shaking.

Remus shrugged, trying to act cool. It was the first time someone who wasn't him, or Madam Pomfrey, saw the room. It felt weird. “Yeah.”

“It’s…” Peter started saying, turning to Remus, “I’m sorry, Moony.”

Remus shrugged again. “It’s fine.”

“It’s…” He never finished the sentence.

They kept quiet for a while, Peter looked around, touched the old and dusty furniture of the room. Remus looked at him sometimes.

After a while, he gathered enough courage to ask: “Can we try the spells now?”

“Oh, yes. Of course.”

The piano was covered in dust and had spider webs everywhere. Remus did a spell that cleaned it, he could do that. The problem was its functioning. Some strings were broken, some keys were missing, and the cover was also missing. One leg was broken, the hammers weren't even there.

They had done a good job in the library, because an hour later they found themselves with a new piano, everything was now working.

“It works?”

Remus touched some keys, they worked. He smiled. “It works.”

Peter smiled too. “Good.”

“Thank you, Pete.”

“Of course,” Peter leaned his back against the piano, he was facing the door. Remus looked at his back. “Can you… Do you wanna play it?”

“Oh,” Remus sat down in front of the piano, “yes. What do you wanna listen to?”

“Whatever you want.”

Remus played Piano Quartet No. 3, Op. 60 in C Minor: II. Because he liked Brahms. He was her mum’s favourite.

He played, Peter listened. He played, Peter looked at him. Remus kept playing, Peter smiled at him.

He looked up when he was done. Peter kept smiling, Remus smiled too. And then Peter hugged him. He reached down and hugged him. Remus’ eyes widened, and it took him a moment to react. But he hugged him back. He closed his eyes and placed his chin on Peter’s shoulder. The boy breathed against his neck, before pulling away.

“I’m sorry if I’m being a dick lately.” Remus said, in a whisper.

Peter sighed. “It’s okay.”

“No, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay. Really.”

“I just don’t wanna talk about... I’m a mess, yes, and I don’t wanna talk about things. I’m sorry.”

Peter nodded. “You don’t have to.”

“But I do care about you, and I know you care about me too. I’m really glad of that. I wanna thank you, really. I know I’m not being fair to you lately, I know, and I know you worry. Just give me some time? I just need to be alone sometimes, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to ignore you or make you feel bad.”

Peter nodded again, “I know that something’s wrong, but you don't have to talk about it now. When you’ll want to, I’ll be here to listen. I just worry about you, you know that.”

Remus smiled, “I know. Something happened this summer… it’s that. It's-”

“Okay.” Peter just said. “It’s okay. I’ll be here, when you’re ready.”

Remus hugged him again, he felt Peter smiling against his shoulder. Remus let out a breath of relief. He felt so lucky sometimes, when he thought that he had amazing friends. When he thought that he had Peter. Remus loved Peter very much. (Ironical, isn't it? Years and years later, Remus found himself wondering if he had known a different person at school. He wondered how could someone so good, so nice and kind become the reason of so many deaths. Become the reason why Remus hated his lover for twelve years. The reason why a one-year old child lost his parents. Remus lost his best friends, lost everything. He wondered, how could the two Peters be the same person?)

“Thank you.”

Peter smirked, “Love you, asshole.”

*****

On the night of the full moon, Remus tried the piano thing. Madam Pomfrey accompanied him, like always, then left him there alone. She always left one hour before the transformation, more or less. Remus waited for her to pass through the tunnel, and when he was sure she was gone, sat down in front of the now fixed piano.

He spent the first ten minutes sitting in front of it, doing nothing, looking down at the keys without touching them.

He breathed. Somehow, he was now sure that the plan wouldn't work. So sure that he didn't even want to try it anymore. But he did. He played a few songs. At first, he was rigid, sceptical, he played like he was forced to do it. Then, he really played. The music started playing him, if we want to tell the entire truth. That was what happened when Remus was so lost in what he was doing: he wasn't the one playing anymore, the music started playing. That happened when he did something he liked. Books started reading him, papers started writing him, music started playing him.

When he woke up the next day, he didn't really remember the night, but he felt almost good. When he woke up in the hospital wing, his friends were already there, like always, and immediately turned to him when he opened his eyes. Asked him how he felt, worried about him, brought him breakfast, the usual things. Remus sat up and eat, and talked, and smiled at them.

“How was my body this morning? Less hurt than usual?” He interrupted James and asked Madam Pomfrey, when she opened the curtain and appeared behind it.

She smiled, his eyes looking up at her hopefully. “Oh, yes. Just a few broken ribs and a cut on your arm, but you seemed fine. How are you feeling now?”

“Good. Very good.”

Madam Pomfrey smiled again, “I’m very happy you’re learning how to control it, Remus.” She stroked his cheek with her thumb, Remus didn't care if her friends were here, he smiled up at her. “You’re doing really amazing lately, honey. I’m glad, I wish you could not suffer at all.”

She let his friends and him alone for a few more minutes, before they had to go to class. They were happy for him too. James told him he was going to visit him again before lunch, since he had a free hour, and Peter told me he was going to take notes for him, like he always did.

It was Friday, and Remus managed to leave the hospital wing in time for lunch. He spent the afternoon outside, with the others playing soccer, and Lily and him looking at them, seated on the grass. Lily kept doing the coach thing, and he didn't play because Madam Pomfrey had told him not to, even if he wanted to. He wanted to at least try it, since everyone in the Muggle world seemed to love the sport.

He sat behind Lily and tried to braid her hair. He did a mess, Lily laughed, but let him try again. When Remus gave up, she leaned back against him, and they followed the game like that, Remus’ chin resting on her shoulder.

He also went to see Viola later, before dinner, and stayed with her in the Ravenclaw Common Room for an hour or so. He invited her to Sirius’ birthday party, which was taking place the day after, even if it was the second of November. The third fell on a Sunday, and Sirius wanted to celebrate till late. Viola said she would come, Dorcas as well.

That’s how he spent good part of the party: talking to Viola, Dorcas, and Peter.

Sirius and James were doing who knows what. They were dancing, but not really. It seemed like they were just showing off to the whole room. Remus rolled his eyes at them.

Lily was choosing the music with Mary and Marlene. Regulus was there too.

“Sorry,” he removed his arm from Viola's shoulders when he saw the boy there alone, seated in the window, drinking something he didn’t seem to be enjoying that much. “I’m going to say hi to a friend.” He didn't know if Regulus was his friend, really.

Regulus seemed to recognise his steps or something, because as soon as Remus started walking towards him, he looked up and met his eyes. Then smiled.

“Hi,” Remus said, “how are you?”

“Bored. You?”

Remus sat next to him and looked inside his cup. “I’m fine, what are you drinking?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s cola and rum, Sirius made it.”

“You don’t like it?”

“There’s too much rum.”

Remus had never drunk. He didn't even know that Sirius had brought alcohol to the party. Muggle alcohol. Remus was impressed.

“You want it?”

He took the cup and swallowed its content with a single sip. The rum burnt down his throat and he contorted his face, Regulus laughed.

“How many of these have Sirius and James drunk?” He asked, putting down the empty cup between him and Regulus.

“A number big enough to make them act like this.” Regulus answered, he looked up at the two boys now standing in the couch, singing together, with the other's arms around their shoulders. Remus and Regulus burst out laughing.

“They’re gonna get sick soon.” Regulus added, Remus shook his head.

“Please no, if they do, I’m the one who has to take care of them.”

Regulus patted his shoulder, still smiling slightly at his brother. James and him were singing Dream On by Aerosmith. People were joining them, Lily seemed to be tempted to change song, just for the fun of it. James and Sirius trapped Peter in their grip, the poor boy. And when Remus looked at Viola again, she was talking to Mary. Dorcas with Marlene.

“She’s your girlfriend?” Regulus asked, pointing at Viola with his chin.

Remus nodded, still looking at her. Smiling.

“She’s pretty.” Regulus commented.

Remus nodded again. “She is.”

“You can go back to her, if you want. I think I’ll go back to my dormitory soon.”

“You’re not waiting for midnight?” Remus turned to him, the question seemed to wake something up inside Regulus’ brain.

“Oh Merlin, you’re right. Yeah, I’ll wait for it. What time is it?”

Remus looked around. “Hi, sorry, you know what time is it?” He asked a girl who was passing near them, he had spoken with her once in the library, but didn’t remember her name. She was an Hufflepuff, but she wasn't wearing her uniform now.

“Oh,” she looked down at the clock on her small wrist, “it's fifteen minutes to midnight.”

“Thanks, Georgia.” He remembered her name now. She smiled in response.

“You have to survive fifteen more minutes.” Remus turned to Regulus, who nodded tiredly.

“I’ll try.”

“You wanna drink something else? Maybe something that isn't rum.”

Regulus nodded, “Yeah, I’d like to. You have a cigarette too?”

Remus touched his trouser pockets. “I have to roll it up, can you take the drinks?”

Regulus jumped down, “Yes. Who should I ask for the drinks?”

“Uhm,” Remus started putting the tabacco in the cigarette’s paper, “just bring the bottle of vodka.”

He actually spent the rest of the night with Regulus, sitting on the window, smoking and drinking.

At midnight everyone did a countdown around Sirius, who was smiling like an idiot. Remus rolled his eyes at him.

“Happy birthday!”

“Happy birthday Sirius!”

People's screams filled the room, Remus clapped his hands too, a small effort, he knew, but that was the best he could do.

They ate the cake, Sirius opened his presents, hugged everyone, demanded specific songs to Lily, who rolled her eyes every time, but always put them on. Maybe it was her birthday present for Sirius. He sang with James, took Regulus under his arm and forced him to dance. He tried to hit on some girls, and actually made it. He received a few kisses on the cheek, two on the lips, and a real make out session with Emma Vanity, the Slytherin Quidditch team captain.

At some point, Peter took James outside to breath some air. Somehow, Remus wished he had taken James out himself, because a few minutes after Regulus had left, Sirius came over to him and leaned on his shoulder. Remus jumped in surprise.

“I’m not feeling well.” Sirius just said, his eyes closed.

Remus looked down at him. “What?”

“I think I have to throw up.”

“Throw up, then.” Remus stepped back, pulling the boy away from him.

Sirius could barely stand. “Asshole, can you help me reach our room?”

Oh God. Could he answer no? And leave him there? He really wanted to do so.

He did, in fact, help Sirius. The boy put his arm over Remus’ shoulders, who helped him up the stairs. He wished he could go back in time and tell his first year friends not to choose the room at the top of the dormitory. Sirius clung to him completely, so much that Remus was tempted to just pick him up and took him to their room. He didn’t do so, of course. Fuck’s sake. Can you imagine if Remus had picked Sirius up? Ha. No fucking way. No way, ever.

He successfully walked him into their room, then to the bathroom, and made him sit down on the floor, in front of the toilet. Sirius kept clicking his tongue, Remus was sure he was doing it just to annoy him. He was sure. He also wanted to leave, but Sirius asked him to stay, so he stayed and waited for Sirius to puke.

Which, he did. And Remus stayed right behind him, holding his long hair back. Because he wasn't a piece of shit. Everybody, literally everyone, would have let Sirius there, dying or whatever, everybody, and Remus actually had more significant reasons to do so, but he stayed with him. If God wasn't going to give him the best fucking seat in heaven, he was going to be very mad.

Sirius sat with his back against the wall after that, his eyes open, looking down at their legs. Remus sat in front of him, his legs crossed, looking at Sirius.

“Thanks.” The boy finally said, his voice rough. Remus was exactly waiting for him to thank him. “No, really. Thank you. That sucks.”

“Yeah. It does.”

Sirius smiled like an idiot to himself, now looking up at the ceiling. “I’ve had my first kiss tonight.”

Remus was lost in his thoughts and hadn't heard. “Mh?”

“I’ve had my first kiss tonight.” Sirius said again, “Did you see me?”

“Uhm.” He couldn't care less, really. He didn't know how to say it, so he just looked at the smiling Sirius.

“How many people have you kissed? Like, snogged. Not just pecks on the lips. Real kisses. With tongue, saliva, all that, I mean.” Sirius kept asking.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Remus looked at him confused. Really. Sirius was still looking up at the ceiling, a smile on his face. Remus was starting to be afraid of him. Drunk Sirius, here, that was his biggest fear, if someone asked him.

“So, how many?” Sirius asked again. “C’mon. Tell me. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon.”

Oh God. He kept going on and on. Remus’ nerves hitched. He didn't know if he wanted to punch him, or slap him. He was just busy choosing one of the two.

“One. Just Viola.”

“Yay. One for me too. The others have zero. Yay.”

Remus didn't respond. Sirius started singing Dream On under his breath. “I fucking love this song. I love it. Do you love it? C’mon. You have to love it. Remus.” He paused. “I’m going to throw up again.”

He didn't throw up immediately after saying it. He reached out to Remus and took his fingers in his hand. Literally, took Remus’ finger in his hand and held them, Remus was shocked. Then he threw up. Tightened his grip on Remus’ fingers and put his head inside the toilet. This time, Remus didn't hold his hair back. He just looked at his neck.

Sirius sat back again, somehow, now he seemed more sober than ever. He wasn’t, but it seemed like he was.

“You have pretty fingers.” Sirius said, like he hadn't just puked, and let go of the fingers. “Very pretty.”

No, he definitely wasn't sober.

“Fuck off.” Remus found himself say. Sirius laughed.

“I bet Viola likes them too.”

“Why would she-”

“You know, when you put them inside her genital organ.”

“What the fuck are you saying now?” Remus cleared his throat. “Oh God. Shut up. Fuck off.”

But Sirius giggled. “You’ve already done it? With Viola.”

He hadn't. “Even if I had, you really think I would tell you about it?”

“Ha. You would do it just to brag about it with us, wouldn't you? Of course you would.”

Remus was so tempted to punch him that this time he literally had to stop himself from doing so. That asshole. Next time, instead of holding his hair back from the toilet, Remus was going to drown his stupid face in his fucking vomit.

"Fuck you, Sirius."

"Why, because I'm saying the truth?"

“I do not brag about things. Fuck's sake. You have that stupid idea of me, don't you? I’m fucking tired of your bullshit, Sirius. I swear.” He blurted out. He was in fact tired, really. He had just helped him, the asshole, and had to sit there listening to this bullshit? No fucking way.

He was aware that Sirius was drunk, but he kept going anyway. When he was angry, he talked. “You think I do everything I do just to have people complimenting me for it, but you don't fucking know me. Stop fucking talking about things you don't know. I don’t like the attention, I don’t care about others’ approval, why can’t you fucking get it? You pretend to know me, but the only thing you know is the idea of me being a selfish bastard that you’ve created in your mind. Grow up.”

Sirius looked like a beaten dog, he was staying in his corner of the bathroom, his legs to his chest, wrapped in his arms. “You do things that make people love you.”

“What do I do? I mind my business most of the times!"

"You play the piano, and smoke, and talk about books. People love these things. You do them to make people love you."

Remus stared at him in disbelief. "You know what you would have done if you knew how to play the piano? You would have played it in the Common Room in front of everyone just to receive compliments. Even if you smoked, you would be smoking everywhere just to show people you do it. To make them think you're a badass or something. Have you ever seen me showing off? I don’t need people's validation. I don’t fucking need it and I don't fucking want it either. I do things for myself. If you do want people's attention, good for you, I don’t care. Just stop reflecting your features on me, and hating me for them.”

“I’m not reflecting my features on you.” Sirius whispered, contrasting Remus, who was almost screaming.

“Yes, you are. You’ve always had.” Remus said firmly, still looking at him, but Sirius didn't dare to look up. He kept looking at his knees, and now, for real, he seemed sober.

“It’s just not fair.” Sirius said after a while, right before Remus was about to get up and leave him there on the floor. “Everyone likes you. How’s that? If you don’t show off, why do they love you? You have to give them a reason to like you, yeah?”

“People like everybody. You don’t notice it, but they like you too. Viola made me realise it, people at school loves us. Me, Pete, James and you. They can't wait to see our next prank, they turn around when we walk through the hallways, hope we’re going to invite them to our next party. They want our attention. Not just mine, like you think they do, but all four of us.”

Sirius’ face was shocked, like Remus had told him about flying pigs or something. “That’s not true.”

Remus’ face, indeed, contorted. “Yes, it’s true. Has it been difficult for you tonight to make out with that girl? No, because girls like you. Wake up.”

"But-"

Remus waited, Sirius stared at him. 

"But they still like you better than me." He then said, and Remus kept quiet, didn't know what to say anymore. “That’s the difference between you and me. I can get to make out with a girl, yes. You, though, can have whoever you want. It’s that. If you like that girl, she surely likes you back, and if you like this other girl, she also likes you back. Because they do, everyone like you. I swear, everyone. You just have to choose.”

“It’s not like-” Remus sighed and closed his eyes, “It’s not like you’re at the grocery shop and you just have to choose what type of cereals are better."

"I'm more pretty than you." Sirius said, his eyes serious. "And people still want you, not me."

"You're pretty, but a pain in the ass." Remus admitted. Straight to the point.

Sirius looked at him, didn't say anything. He ignored Remus. 

"Why don't people want me?"

"They do. They just- Sirius, when you know you have someone's attention, or their interest, it’s not like you have power over them. You think that you do. Here. You have to understand that you don’t have power over anyone. You’re not better than anyone. You don’t have the right to think you are.”

“My parents taught me to think that, though. That I have to be better than anyone. That I need to be the one who take control over the other person.” Sirius said, and it didn't sound like a justification, it was just a statement.

“But, that’s you? They taught you this, but do you think it too?” Remus asked him, they had lost track of time by now. It could be one in the morning, or three, or only ten minutes past midnight. Who knew. Remus tried to remember how they had ended up in that situation, but he was too busy listening to Sirius to think about it. Somehow, Sirius had now his attention.

“It’s not that I- I don't think like this. It’s just... You don’t know my family. It’s hard to find your own ideas after they’ve spent years putting theirs in your head. And I’m jealous that Regulus can actually do it, I am. But, well, I can’t. I feel like I have to follow someone else's ideas. Like I can’t make them on my own.”

All of a sudden, Remus felt actually bad for him. He really did try to understand what Sirius was saying, and for the first time ever, he saw him like a normal person, with problems, like everyone, and feelings, like everyone.

“And yes,” Sirius kept saying, his voice a bit tipsy. “I am jealous of Regulus, and James, and you. I am, okay? You wanted me to say that?”

Remus looked at him for a while. Sirius looked at him too, their eyes looked.

“I didn’t want you to say anything.” Remus said. “And I don’t want you to be jealous of me. Can’t you see? You think people love me and you’re jealous of it, but they love you too. You just don’t see it because you’re too worried about what I’m doing, or what James’ doing, or what anyone’s doing. You care if they like me or James, because you care so much about how others appear that you forget about yourself. You’re living others’s lives more than your own, Sirius.”

Sirius had tried so hard to not interrupt their eye contact, but he still did, for a few seconds, his mouth twisted. When Remus finished speaking, he realised that it was the first time in a while that he had spoken so much.

Sirius almost seemed devastated. He was trying not to show any emotion, but Remus could still feel his heart beating in a different way than usual. Like it was sad too.

“I’m sorry,” Remus found himself saying after Sirius had been silent for minutes, “You just have to find your own way, and it might be difficult, but you’ll find it. I'm not talking about following James’ way, or Regulus' way, or someone else’s way. Your own. When you’ll be happy with yourself and won’t feel jealous of others anymore, that’s when you win. When you make it.”

“I don’t know if I can make it.” Sirius admitted slowly. He seemed so real. Remus was looking at him like it was the first time he could actually see him. Like ha hadn’t despised him for three years. Like he was a real person.

“Of course you can.”

“I don’t know how to.”

“You’ll know at some point. You will, I don’t know when, or how, but you will.”

“Do you?” Sirius asked him, “Do you think you’ve already made it?”

Remus stayed silent, looked down at his hands. Oh God, what time was it? He was starting to feel sleepy. “No, I haven’t made it yet. I don’t think anyone has.”

“I think someone has.”

Remus shrugged, “Screw them.”

Sirius’ face didn’t change expression, but his heart started beating like a normal heart again.

Remus realised that he didn't feel angry anymore.

“If you look for perfection, you will never be satisfied.” He quoted Lev Tolsoj, a passage of Anna Karenina, even if Sirius couldn’t catch it. “Don’t think others’ life is perfect and put yourself down because of it, yeah? No one has a perfect life, and if they do, well. They're assholes that everyone probably hate.”

“If everyone hate them, then their life isn't perfect.” Sirius said happily, and Remus actually smiled.

“They don’t have a friend group like the Marauders, of course their life isn't perfect. At least they’re not werewolves.”

Sirius giggled. Then laughed, like, really laughed. Sirius kept laughing for a while, Remus just watched him.

“You’re… not… that bad.” Sirius scanned the words, like it was difficult for him to say something like that. Which, was probably true. “Like, you’re not a total piece of shit.”

Remus got up and wiped his hands in his trousers, he was wearing a pair of blue jeans, ripped in their knees and larger towards the end. He had brought them that summer, with his mum, along with some hoodies and another pair of black ripped jeans. He looked down at Sirius and thinned his eyes.

“Thanks. I guess.”

Sirius got up too, he was trying not to smile, but Remus could see the corners of his lips turned up.

“How did I end up talking with you, seated in the bathroom floor, in front of the toilet I just threw up in, the night of my fifteen birthday?”

“I think that’s a question that will hunt me forever." Remus sighed. "C’mon, let’s see if James’ alive.”

(And what if I tell you that this was the beginning of everything? I could. I could tell you that it was. But I’m not sure that's the truth. I think Remus and Sirius have had a lot of beginnings. This one, this one memory of them really talking, for the first time, in fourth year, can be considered one, yes. But I’m not sure when the real one was. Many beginnings, but never an end.)

Chapter Text

SIRIUS

I fell in love with the messiest version of you. Loved everything about you. Every breath, every blink of eyes.

You think I’ll ever stop loving you?

The Wedding at Cana; Veronese (1563)

*****

The week after Sirius’ birthday passed in the most chaotic way. Sirius felt a bit embarrassed after the conversation he had had with Remus, ashamed of what he had said. Remus hadn't mention it, though. Sirius had to admit that he was glad of that.

Had to admit, also, that some of the things Remus had said did have affected him. Especially one thing, that had been going on in his mind for a while.

A week after his birthday, he found himself in the Astronomy tower with Regulus. He hadn't forgotten what his brother had said a few weeks before, but he was trying not to think about it. He didn't want to admit to himself that what Regulus had said was true. It was exactly what Remus had also said. 

“I was thinking about something.” Sirius wrinkled his eyebrows. He was sitting on the floor, trying to draw something on his notebook. It was the first time in a while, and Sirius was feeling like he was forcing it, but kept trying.

“What?”

“I think I wanna leave the Quidditch team.”

Regulus turned to him. “What?”

“Yeah, I don’t really like playing.”

“Since when?”

Sirius looked up and felt a bit annoyed by the question. “Since always.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I didn't know.”

“Yeah. No one knows, I didn't either. I mean, I’ve always kind of known, but I realised it a few weeks ago.”

“But, you’re good at Quidditch.”

“I’m good at everything.” Sirius said, getting up. “Not the best. I ain't the best in anything, but at least I'm good, aren't I? Anyway, I have to go soon, what time is it?”

Regulus shrugged, “I don't know. So, you really wanna leave the Quidditch team?”

“Yep.” Sirius repeated. He was annoyed, mostly because he hadn't drawn anything.

“When are you gonna leave it?”

“I don’t know. We have a match tomorrow and I have to play for sure. After it, maybe.”

Regulus pursed his lips and nodded. “Alright. I’m coming to see you tomorrow, is Remus going to be here? Maybe I can sit with him, I don’t know anyone else.”

“Remind me again why did you become friend with him?” Sirius rolled his eyes. A part of his brain, though, tried not to be too upset. A part of his brain kind of get why people liked Remus. It had always had, he just didn’t want to admit it.

“It doesn't matter. He’s a good kid, you’re just too immature to see it.”

“I am not immature. And I see it too, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah. So, he’s gonna be there or not?”

“Yes. With Pete and the girls. His girlfriend too, I think.”

“I’ll look for him, then.”

Sirius rubbed his eyes and nodded, tired. He had spent the morning outside with the Marauders and the girls, and the afternoon in the Quidditch pitch, practicing for the game they were going to have the day after against Hufflepuff.

“‘Kay, Reg. I need to go now. I’m dead tired.”

“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Sirius.”

Sirius just nodded and waved before he stepped out of the room. He went to bed immediately that night, and slept without thinking about anything. Forgetting about the Quidditch game he didn't give a damn about. He wondered, for a moment, before falling asleep, if Remus was going to sleep or if he was going to play the piano all night. He found himself hoping that he was going to bed and have some rest. Sirius didn't know why he thought that. 

*****

The next morning, Sirius did not think. He played like every other times, high-fived everyone who congratulated him on their victory. Lunch went good, a lot of people passed by their table and stopped talking with him and James. Viola and Dorcas were sitting with them as well, Viola was talking with Remus, Dorcas with Marlene. A few girls stopped by a little longer, they touched his and James’ shoulders, whispered in their ears. Sirius noticed it.

They spent the rest of the afternoon in the Common Room, it was too cold to stay outside. for the first time in weeks the Marauders found themselves alone. Lily, Mary and Marlene had gone to the Ravenclaw Common Room, to spend time with Viola and Dorcas. They’d become friends. 

James and Peter were sitting on the floor, playing chess, while Sirius and Remus sat on the couch, not that close to each other, but their legs were covered by the same blanket. Sirius pulled the blanket to his side, leaving Remus' feet practically uncovered. The response to this was a middle finger from Remus and another pull of the blanket to his side.

“Moony,” James said, his eyes still on the game board. Peter was waiting for him to make a move. “I was thinking earlier, you remember that map we talked about last year? The Marauder’s Map? It was a good idea, we should really do it.”

“The map with the hidden passageways, you mean?”

“Yes. Sometimes I would do anything to have something like that, especially every time Sirius and I put a prank on Snivellus and have to hide after.”

“So, I really have to share with you the secret passageways I know?” Remus asked, getting out from under the blanket and placing his elbows on his knees, his body leaning forward. Sirius’ eyes felt on his back for a moment, but he immediately looked away.

“Yes. Asshole.” James throw one of Peter’s chess pawn at him. Both Remus and Peter yelled “Hey!” at the same time.

“Sirius,” James looked up at him, “can you draw the parts we’re going to add on the map of the castle?”

Sirius nodded, “Yeah, you just have to tell me where they are.”

James started organising everything. He got up and abandoned the game. He was losing anyway. “Sirius, take the map. Moony, refresh your memory. Pete, get up too and come doing nothing with me.”

“Can we go in the library?” Peter asked. “The tables are bigger than the ones we have here." There were just two tables in the Common Room, both occupied by students.

“Yep.” James nodded, “Good idea. Sirius, take the map!”

They moved into the library. It was the first time Sirius set foot there, James too.

“I’ve never been here.” Sirius commented, a ‘shh’ came from the librarian right after his words. He rolled his eyes. “I already hate it.” This time, he whispered.

They sat at the end of the room, in a big table that was empty. Peter told them that it was him and Remus’ table, no one sat there, unless they were studying with them. Peter said it with pride, Remus couldn't care less. They had their own private table, oh God. Sirius sat between Remus and James.

“First, the passageway to Hogsmade.” Remus said, his voice not too far from Sirius’ ear. He had to take a deep breath after Remus' breath fell on his neck. For some reason. “You already know where it is.” He leaned over Sirius’ shoulder and pointed to the statue of Gunhilda on the third floor. “Here. We could add of piece of paper and draw Honeydukes at the end of the passageway.”

“Perfect.” James commented and handed Sirius a piece of paper. “Here.”

Sirius nodded and started drawing Honeydukes the best he could. And he kept drawing for the next hour, adding secret passageways where Remus told him to. The boy leaned over his shoulder every fucking time. Sirius felt weird.

After that, Remus actually showed them the passageways and the hiding places he had made Sirius draw. For that day, it was all they did. The addition of the moving names was an idea that they had months later.

*****

Remus kept helping him in Runes. They usually studied together twice a week, that was their second study session of the week. It was mid-November now, and by mid-afternoon it was already dark outside.

“Can you try to translate this passage by yourself?” Remus asked, putting down his pencil. “Then I’ll tell you what you did wrong.”

Sirius nodded, “Yeah.” He was starting to have less difficulties at translating things, but he wasn’t going to admitted that it was thanks to Remus. The boy had probably noticed it anyway. Sirius actually hoped he had, because for the first time in his life Sirius was really studying something.

Peter came into the Common Room when Sirius was halfway his translation. Remus was reading his History of Magic’s essay, because he had nothing else to do while he waited, and Sirius didn't mind if he sometimes read his essays. He never said anything about them. Not a ‘this is good’ or a ‘that’s the worst thing I’ve ever read’. He just read them. Sirius never asked him an opinion, and Remus never gave him one.

“Hi.” Peter appeared next to Remus, a few letters in his hands and a pack of chocolate frogs. “You want one?”

Both Remus and Sirius took one and thanked him. He added: “I went in the owlery to see if I had any letters and took yours too, Moony. There’s your name in it.”

Peter handed him a letter, Remus thanked him and stared at it for a whole minute.

Sirius and Peter shared a confused look.

“What is it?” Sirius asked.

“A letter.”

“Thank fuck.”

“Who’s it from?” Peter said, leaning against the wall in front of them. Chewing his chocolate frog.

“Mr. Crims. Uhm, Kettleburn’s colleague. I wrote to him something about a book he’s written. It’s about lycanthropy and all that.”

“Wait,” Sirius finished eating his own chocolate frog, “is he the asshole who didn’t tell you anything last year when you wrote him? Just ‘sorry’ ‘privacy’ and other shits.”

“Yeah. Him. He’s not an asshole.”

“Asshole.” Sirius said, but Remus ignored his comment.

“I don’t care anymore about what I asked him last year. His book helped me more than knowing about the Veritaserum.”

“What does he say?” Peter pointed at the letter in Remus’ hands, who hurried to open it.

“So,” he read a few lines in his mind “he’s glad his book helped me. He’s still sorry he couldn’t help me last year.”

“Asshole.”

Remus kept reading, “He also talks…” He stopped and closer the letter. Looking at the wall in front of him. “About my father.”

“What about him?” Peter asked, but Remus didn’t seem to want to answer. He ignored the question.

“Mr. Crims was nice, yeah?”

“Yeah,” but Peter continued, “so, he knows your dad?”

“Apparently.”

“Cool.” Sirius said, trying to put an end on the subject. It was obvious that Remus didn’t want to talk about it. He hoped Peter got it as well.

Which he probably did, because he then, finally, dropped the subject.

“How did his book help you?” Sirius asked instead. Peter seemed to already know the answer. Of course.

“I read about doing something you like before the transformation so you can calm your wolf self down. I tried it, it worked, so I thanked him.”

“Something you like? What did you do? Read a book?” Sirius asked sarcastically.

Remus met his eyes. “Played the piano.”

“Oh.”

“Moony can play the piano.” Peter said, smiling. “He learned this summer. Didn’t even tell us, the prick.”

Remus messed up Peter’s hair, who slapped his hand. “You love me.”

“Prick.” Peter said.

“Love you too.”

“Play something?” Peter asked.

Remus looked around, “I don’t think that people want to listen to me play the piano while they’re minding their business.”

“Of course they want to.” Peter said, offended. “They love everything you do. You could kill Sirius in front of them and they would still love you.”

“Of course they would love me if I killed Sirius.”

“Hey.” Sirius pouted, Peter patted his shoulder.

“Play the one you played to me.” Peter kept going, trying to convince Remus. Sirius felt something weird in his stomach. The one Remus had played to Peter? Which one? And, when? Sirius didn’t know why it annoyed him so much. He knew that Peter was Remus’ best friend. He, Sirius, was the one who didn’t have to know about Remus’ ability. The one who shouldn’t have heard Remus play.

Yet, he loved listening to Remus playing. Not ‘love’. Not that word. He felt ashamed of himself to even use the word ‘like’ when he talked about Remus. Even when Sirius could sleep, he always went to hear him. When Remus was tired and actually went to bed, Sirius felt a bit selfish to wish that he wasn’t that tired. To wish he could play a little, just a song, for him.

Sirius was ashamed that he liked it so much.

When he came back to reality, Remus was already seated in front of the piano. Peter had taken his place next to Sirius, and put his head on his shoulder. “He’s very good.”

Yeah, I know.

Remus played ‘the one he had played to Peter’, which Sirius had already heard once or twice. It was beautiful to hear him, and painful to share him with so many people. Everyone was quiet, their eyes on him. Sirius swallowed without even realising it, and let his head fall on top of Peter’s.

They all listened to him. He was magnificent. The music filled the room, like a knife that sink into your chest, the pain was slow and fast at the same time. It would hit you within seconds and yet it seemed endless. It seemed to last so long that it altered time, and yet, when it was over, it seemed to have been so short that you wanted to feel it again. Sirius wanted to listen to it again and again. Wanted to be stabbed again and again if the feeling was this beautiful.

He tried to ignore the fact that he wanted to be stabbed by Remus.

The room applauded, Peter did too. Sirius came back to reality and just looked at Remus, who got up. “Play again!” Someone yelled, but Remus ignored them.

“Yeah, play again, asshole.” James appeared next to Peter. “Moony, why the fuck I didn't know you could play?!”

Remus looked at him. “Because no one knew.” I knew, Sirius wanted to say. “And I intended to keep it that way but,” he ruffled Peter's hair, “Pete asked me to play something, so I couldn't say no.”

“How romantic is he?” Peter smirked.

“Very.” James smiled, then turned to Sirius. “You ready to practise? Our turn is in fifteen minutes.”

“Oh,” Sirius cleared his throat, “yeah, I have to take my things first. Uhm, Remus, I’ll finish it later.” He was talking about the Runes translation.

“Ah, yes. It’s fine.”

“You wanna go to your girlfriend?” Peter asked Remus, “Because I know the girls are with her and Dorcas in the Great Hall, can we go too?”

“Yes.” Remus just said.

He and Peter went down to the Great Hall, to spend the rest of that Friday afternoon with the girls. While James and Sirius went to the Quidditch pitch to practice with the team. How amazing.

Sirius found himself liking his study sessions with Remus more than practicing for a game he was beginning to hate. (But that wasn't the real reason. He wasn’t because he hated Quidditch, it was because he actually liked spending time with Remus. He wasn't going to admit it to himself yet, though.)

*****

“Babbling said my last essay was good.”

Another study session with Remus. These are pretty much the most exciting moments of that cold November back in 1974. Between Quidditch practises Sirius was forced to go to, night meetings with Regulus in the Astronomy tower, wet dreams that were more and more frequent, and evenings in the Common Room listening to David Bowie with the Marauders.

Which I’m sure the reader would find very interesting, but I think I should tell you more about the study sessions that made Sirius fall for Remus.

“I bet. I’ve corrected all the mistakes you made.”

“Whatever. One day I’ll be so good and unbeatable in Runes that you won’t be able to be better than me at translating it.”

Remus’ lips curled up. “That day is still far away.”

“I’ll show you.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

Sirius almost smiled.

They were in their bedroom. James and Peter had detention, they had been caught in the making of a prank by professor Sprout, who was making them help her in the greenhouse. Remus and Sirius had made fun of them for an hour.

“I’m smoking a cigarette while you try to do that translation.” Remus told him, getting up.

“Do whatever you want.”

“Last time, you did a scene because of it.”

Sirius was going to say “I didn’t”, but stopped before he could open his mouth. Because, yes, he had made a scene. We’re not talking about it.

“When did you start smoking?” He asked, instead of doing his translation. He turned his chair towards Remus’, who was sitting on the window.

“This summer, I already told you.”

Sirius ignored the fact that he did know it. “And why did you start?”

Remus kept rolling his cigarette. “Because I wanted to?”

“Okay.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “But, like, the real reason. One day you just started smoking?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much what people do.”

He lit up his cigarette with his fingers and looked outside the window, Sirius kept watching him. “Just like that?”

Remus turned to him. “It’s not that deep, Sirius.”

Sirius didn’t know why he said it, but he was thinking about it for a while now, and the words just came out of his mouth. “Yeah but, like, you seem different from last year, or when we first met you. More distant from anyone, less attached to things, and yet always busy with them. You read even more than last years, write a lot, don’t sleep at night, play the piano, smoke. Stopped doing your study groups. And ignore everyone. It’s just- I don’t know, you seem different.”

Remus shrugged, “Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t really care. It’s me, I can’t keep living my life like people want me to live it. I just, exist. Oscar Wilde said “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” Maybe I’m just existing, it’s fine with me.”

“It is? It never seemed like it was enough for you. Just existing.”

“Well, maybe it is now.”

“But why?” Sirius kept going, Remus looked at him directly in his eyes. That’s what he did, when he didn’t like the question someone had just asked him, or when someone told him something he didn’t like. He looked into their eyes, and Sirius didn’t know if with other people this trick worked, but surely it worked on him. He pursed his lips and looked down, not really wanting an answer anymore.

Remus, in fact, never answered. And Sirius didn’t push it.

He still wanted to talk with him somehow, so he asked him if he could try his cigarette.

“You wanna try it?”

Sirius got up and rubbed his hands on his legs. “Yeah, can I?”

Remus shrugged again. “Sure.”

He sat down next to him on the window, and Remus handed him the cigarette he was smoking. Sirius took it in his fingers, he had seen his dad smoking cigarettes his whole life, he knew what he was doing. He also suspected that Regulus had tried it with their dad, but his brother had never really told him about it.

“You just have to inhale. But, really inhale, or you’re not smoking. You’ll get what I mean if your throat hurts.”

Sirius nodded, he wanted to say that he already knew how to do it, but he didn’t. So he said nothing and inhaled. He took as much smoke as he could, and when his throat did in fact hurt, he burst out coughing.

Remus giggled. Giggled. He liked to see Sirius in pain, apparently.

“Sorry.” Sirius morphed, closing his eyes, trying not to cough again.

“Oh, it means you’re normal. The first time I tried I didn’t really inhaled and I was so proud I hadn’t coughed. Then, when I really did it right, I coughed so much I almost cried.”

“I’m almost crying.” Sirius rubbed his eyes and while he had them closed, he heard Remus’ little laugh. He hadn’t heard him laugh in a long time. Even if it wasn’t a real laugh, it was unusual to hear it. Or maybe Remus did laugh, just not with Sirius.

“Here,” Remus took the cigarette between his fingers and moved closer to Sirius, who looked up at him. “You don’t have to do it slowly, don’t keep the smoke in your mouth. It has to go straight into your lungs, naturally. Don’t force it. Just let it go through your mouth, then your throat, and your lungs, without realising it. Just let it go.”

He said it like it was easy, and without giving Sirius any time or warning, he gently pushed the cigarette between his lips, Remus’ fingers resting on his mouth. Sirius filled his lips with smoke, still looking up at him. Remus sat back down in his place, put the cigarette Sirius had just put in his mouth in his own mouth, inhaled, exhaled, and never left Sirius’ eyes.

Sirius forgot that he had just inhaled and took a deep breath, which made him cough again, and leave Remus’ eyes.

“Sorry.” He said again, looking down at their legs with wide open eyes and his heart beating like he was mad.

Remus draw a small smile on his lips. “It’s fine.”

“How can you like it?” Sirius asked, massaging his throat, avoiding eye contact. For some reason, the room felt hotter. “It burns your throat and leaves you gasping for air. Why do you do it?”

“It doesn’t burn your throat. You let it burn your throat. You chose to let it burn your throat. The best thing about smoking is that you smoke the cigarette, not the contrary.”

Sirius took enough courage to meet his eyes again. “So, you just like to have control over things?”

Remus’ face actually changed expression. He stopped the cigarette near his face and just breathed, like Sirius had just told him something he had never thought about. Which, was probably true.

“Like- The thing about calming your wolf self down during the full moons,” Sirius kept going, speaking slowly. “You want to control it, right? Or, being good at school. All things you control.”

Remus put out his cigarette against the wall outside the window, even if it wasn’t finished. He seemed irritated, he looked outside, like he had forgotten that he wasn’t alone.

After a few minutes: “If you psychoanalysed your life like you do with mine, maybe you wouldn’t have doubts about having a personality or not.” He looked around like he was angry with the room as well. “Have you done the translation I told you to do? Listen, I have to go. Do it by yourself.”

“Remus-“

“I’ll look at it tonight. Or tomorrow. Do it whenever you want.”

“No, I- I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Remus jumped down, walked towards the door and turned to him. “I’m not upset. I want to see my girlfriend. See you… later.”

Sirius jumped down too, but Remus stormed out of the room before he could even open his mouth and say something. And what could he say? He stood there looking at the door, his eyes lost, his arms abandoned along his body, alone with himself.

Remus Lupin. Years before, Sirius would have found him an annoying dilemma. Now, he kind of wanted to resolve it.

*****

That night Remus didn’t go down for dinner. The next day he justified himself with: “Viola and I were too busy snogging to realise what time it was.” An answer that sounded nothing like him.

Sirius left his Runes paper on Remus’ night stand, and the next afternoon found it in his bed, with Remus’ corrections written on it.

He watched him spending the next days with Peter and Viola, ignoring everyone else. Made Sirius do his homework alone and then corrected them, not really helping him. Sirius never complained. Never told him anything. Tried to hate him again. Forced himself to go back in time and start despising him again.

But he couldn’t.

He found Remus annoying, an evil asshole. Who always said the right thing at the right moment and was never fucking wrong. Complicated, mysterious prick. It was so easy to hate him, if Sirius really wanted to. He had multiple reasons. He also stopped going to hear him play at night.

The thing was, Remus didn’t care. He didn’t need Sirius’ attention. And Sirius fucking hated it. Always had, but now more than ever. He didn’t know why.

One day at the end of September he saw Remus and Viola while he was walking towards the Quidditch pitch. He was kissing her neck, his hands on her sides. Viola was smiling down at him, her hands in his hair. Sirius had to turn away. He looked at them just for second before following James.

Marlene felt bad at some point during their practice, and Sirius hurried to help her. Because he wanted to lose time, yes, but also because she really seemed ill.

“What’s wrong?” He put his hand on her shoulder. She was bent forward, her arms around her stomach.

“It’s fine. Just this bellyache that’s killing me. I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to die. The feeling’s still here.”

“You should see Madam Pomfrey, really.”

“No, I’m fine.”

Sirius didn't care. “I’ll come with you. C’mon.”

He literally obliged Marlene to go to the hospital wing. Because he wanted to lose time, yes, but also because she really seemed ill.

When they reached it, the scene that followed felt like a fever dream. Madam Pomfrey smiled softly at her and told her to just go to the bathroom. Marlene turned to him, embarrassed. Sirius looked down at his feet, pretending like he wasn't there. He didn't want to make her feel ashamed or anything.

They both thought Madam Pomfrey meant she had to, like, you know what. C’mon. You know. But, in fact, it wasn't that.

He was sitting on the stairs between the boys dormitory and the girls one, when she came out even more embarrassed than earlier. “Uhm, Sirius?”

He turned to her. “Yes?”

“Can you look for Mary? Or Lily? A girl. And tell them to come here.”

He got up. “Oh, yes. Yeah.”

Mary and Lily were nowhere to be found. He also looked for Viola, but didn't find her. The first person he met who he knew was friend with Marlene was Dorcas Meadowes.

“What’s wrong with her?” Dorcas asked him, worried, when they got into the Gryffindor Common Room.

“I don’t know. Diarrhoea, maybe? Her belly ached.”

Dorcas looked at him confused. “What’s her room?”

“Uhm, the last one, I think.”

“Okay.”

She disappeared up the stairs and Sirius stood there for a minute, not knowing what to do. He figured he just had to leave them alone and went back to his room, the Quidditch practice now forgotten.

The room was full, full, or smoke when he opened the door. Peter was sitting down on the floor, and looked up at him. A weird smile appeared on his lips. “Hi, Sirius.”

“Pete. What the hell?”

“It’s Moony’s fault.” He said, and turned to Remus’ bed, where the boy was laying, his eyes closed. Without opening them, he smiled.

“You love it, Pete.”

Peter giggled.

Sirius was shocked. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Jesus. Don’t scream.” Mary’s voice commented. “Can he not scream? God.”

Remus answered her question. “I’ll ask him. Sirius, can you not scream?”

He realised that, laying on Remus’ chest, there was Viola. And Mary was sitting on the window. Peter was still on the floor.

Viola sat up and looked at him. “They’ve just smoked some weed. That’s why they don’t want you to scream.” Her voice was normal, Sirius was sure she hadn't smoked.

“And they had to smoke in my room?”

She gave him an apologetic smile. “I tried to tell Remus not to, but he still did it.”

“Mary and Peter wanted to do it too.” Remus commented, his nose rubbing against Viola’s arm.

“Because they are idiots like you.”

“”Hey.” Peter let out, still seated on the floor. Mary had disappeared somewhere.

She appeared behind Sirius and placed her chin on his shoulder. He jumped when he felt her. “Oh God.”

“You want a cigarette?” She asked happily, Sirius stepped back, letting her chin fall.

“No, thank you.” He turned to Viola again. “Why did they smoke weed?!”

“Why didn't you smoke weed?” Remus asked him, Sirius looked at him with thin eyes.

“What’s wrong with you, Remus?”

“Me? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Why are you acting like this? Seriously.”

Remus looked at him straight in the eyes. “Like what?”

“Like you don’t fucking care about anything.”

Remus smiled, his eyes closed. “Very good, Sirius. You’ve discovered my secret.”

Sirius met Viola’s eyes. She seemed worried, but said nothing. Sirius didn't either. He just shook his head and turned around, “Screw up, Remus.” He left the room.

*****

The last weeks of school before Christmas passed so quickly that Sirius didn't even realise it. Between essays that filled their afternoons, while the school was filled with Christmas decorations, they found little time to do anything else other than packing their things and thinking about Christmas presents for their families.

Remus still didn't help him with Runes. The Quidditch practices continued. The weed meetings in his bedroom kept happening. And worst of all, Sirius was fucking scared to go home for Christmas.

He had spent the last two Christmases at the Potters, but that year his parents seemed to want him there with them too. They were going to France to celebrate. Sirius, at least, could be happy about it.

James told him more than fifteen times to write to him immediately if he needed something. What he meant was: if he needed help. Sirius tried not to think about it.

He was glad that he could spend the holidays with Regulus. That.

And, Paris was beautiful.

Sirius’ family was there with Narcissa and Bellatrix’s family. Andromeda’s family, but she wasn’t there. Good for her. Sirius almost envied his cousin.

Rodolphus Lestrange, Bellatrix’s husband was there as well. Sirius really hated him. He was so similar to Bellatrix that they almost looked like siblings. Sirius was ten when they had married, he and Regulus had spent the whole ceremony thinking they were connected or something. Which, wasn't even that weird for the Blacks, since half of their family tree was made of incests. Sirius lived in the constant fear of having to marry Narcissa one day.

He had a strange relationship with his cousins.

Andromeda, of course, was his favourite. Always had been. But, she wasn't there.

Narcissa wasn't that bad. When they were still children, they were closer. Now, they didn't really talk much. She had left Hogwarts two years before and was going out with Lucius Malfoy since her last year of school. Sirius remembered them walking around together in the hallways.

Bellatrix was something else. They had never gotten along with each other, since they were little. She liked Regulus, but seemed to hate Sirius. After he had been put into Gryffindor, even more. Sirius hated her back.

Rodolphus was even more awful than her. They probably didn't love each other, but they surely made a good pair. Both pieces of shit who made you want to die every time they spoke. Good, beautiful pair.

On Christmas Eve, their parents let them take a walk around the city by themselves. The young ones moved together, and as much as Sirius wanted to take a walk only with Regulus, he didn’t know the city that much, so he had to follow Bellatrix and Rodolphus. He knew Versailles, but not Paris.

Of course, they didn't stay in the ‘Muggle Paris’, how could Sirius even thought of something like that?! Fucking assholes, they were.

On the left side of the Arc de Triomphe de l’Étoile, Bellatrix tapped three times on the surface of the wall with her wand. Apparently, inside, or on the other side of the Arc, Sirius didn’t know how it worked, there was a small village that reminded him of Diagon Alley. It was full of wizards and witches, people running around to buy last-minute presents, sitting in the small shops along the streets with a cup of tea in their hands. It wasn't that bad.

Sirius and Regulus wandered around in the shops, they brought each other's present without letting the other see. Sirius brought James a pair of sunglasses and a golden snitch just to make fun of him. He also brought two new quills for Peter and Remus.

They found Narcissa, Bellatrix and Rodolphus sitting in a pub. Narcissa had a glass half full of butterbeer in her hand, while small empty glasses laid on the table. The smell of firewhisky was so strong that Sirius felt like throwing up for a moment. His birthday party coming back to his mind.

“Where have you two been?” Narcissa asked when they sat down with them, not really happy about it, but too thirsty and cold to wait outside.

“Shopping.” Regulus said, calling the waiter’s attention. One appeared next to their table. “Can I have a butterbeer?”

“One for me too, thanks.” Sirius added.

“And two Red currant rum, yeah?” Rodolphus asked Bellatrix, before she could answer, he added: “And four Dragon Barrel Brandy.”

“Cissy, you want something?” Bellatrix asked. She shook her head.

The pub was dark and noisy, Sirius’ face contorted when someone slammed hard the door. Regulus flinched when someone screamed.

“We have to go back in half an hour.” Narcissa reminded Bellatrix, who clearly ignored her.

“How old are you?” She asked Sirius and Regulus.

Sirius stared at her. “Fifteen.”

“Thirteen.”

“I thought you were older than him.” Rodolphus told Regulus, who just shook his head.

“Well, you’re getting old enough.” Bellatrix turned to Sirius, “When do you think you’ll join?”

Sirius looked at her straight in the eyes. “Join what?”

Narcissa swallowed.

Bellatrix smirked, “The Dark Lord.”

Sirius’ heart froze. His breath stopped in his throat.

He blinked slowly and looked away. “Never.”

There was silence for a moment, beside the noises of the pub. Sirius looked at the two like he was afraid of nothing, even if he did feel afraid of everything. Then Bellatrix and Rodolphus laughed.

“He wants to finish school first, right? Maybe find himself a wife. There aren't many females of pureblood families left, you should hurry.”

“I’m not waiting to finish anything.” Sirius replied, “and I’ll marry whoever I want. If I ever marry.”

“He sounds like our stupid sister…”

“Don’t mention her.” Narcissa said, looking down at the table.

“You’ll find your ass on a road if you don't start changing, like Andromeda.” Bellatrix told him, Sirius felt brave enough to keep the eye contact with her.

“Andromeda’s the only one between us who had enough courage to make her own choices. If I end up like her, I’ll be proud of it.”

“Fucking idiot, your parents already hate you, don’t cross the line.”

“I don’t give a damn about your fucking line.” Sirius said angrily, “I don’t own my parents anything, and, let alone, I don’t own anything to you.”

“Listen here, douchebag.” Rodolphus took part into the conversation, Sirius wondered what the hell did he have to do with any of it. “It’s time to show your family some respect. If I had a Gryffindor son with these type of friends, I would kill him with my own hands. You’re lucky enough your parents haven't kicked you out. Where were you last Christmas? They haven't kicked you out yet, but don't think they don't despise you, because they do.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Sirius raised his voice. “Just because you married my piece of shit of cousin it doesn't mean you can talk about my life. If you had children, I’d be sorry for them. Because you’re the worst people I fucking know, and don’t you dare talk about my friends again.”

“Sirius-“

“Shut the fuck up, Regulus.” Sirius snapped, without looking at him. Their drinks arrived a moment later, Sirius and Lestrange’s eyes fixed on the other’s. Bellatrix was clearly angry too. Sirius didn't give a damn, really.

“I could fucking kill you right now and nobody would give a damn about you, you’re aware of that?” Rodolphus asked, a smirk on his face, “I could simply cast a spell and end your useless life. No one here would bat an eyelid, your family would probably be happy about it. And don't worry about your blood traitor friends, they wouldn't even have the time to cry for you, because they’d be next. It’s this your fucking problem, kid. You’ll have to choose a side at some point, and you’re choosing the wrong one.”

The air was thick. Regulus and Narcissa didn't dare to talk, Sirius was now silent too. Bellatrix was twisting one of her black curls around her finger, a small smirk on her lips. Rodolphus swallowed his drinks in one gulp and looked at Sirius again.

After a while, Sirius decided to reply. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Not a word, a single sound. He twisted his eyebrows, trying to say something, stupid words that came to his mind. Nothing.

A small laugh came out of Bellatrix’s lips, though. Narcissa turned to her. “What have you done?”

“Oh, our little cousin was talking too much. It was annoying, so I casted a silencing spell on him,” Sirius wrapped his hands around his sore throat, closing his eyes from the hurt. Bellatrix smiled again when she saw him. “Maybe not only that…”

Regulus got up, his hands on Sirius’ shoulders, who was now hurting so bad he felt like dying. His throat burnt, but it wasn't only that, there was something else. Something sharp.

“What have you done?” Regulus asked—screamed. Sirius felt like he was about to pass out.

Narcissa looked at her. “Bella.”

“Fine, fine. I put the stem of a rose in his throat. Thorns are probably rubbing on it now.” Like Sirius’ throat wanted to give a confirm of it, a blood strip started running down Sirius’ chin, coming out of his mouth slowly.

Regulus let out a gasp so loud that Sirius worried more about it than himself. He brought a hand to his lips, his fingers covered in blood, he had to close his eyes again.

“Bellatrix!” Narcissa’s voice was the last thing he heard, before she took his arm and made them transfigure back to the house their families were staying in. They appeared in the empty corridor of the entrance, everything was dark. The house was a family property, Sirius had come there with his family two or three times when he was younger.

“Mum!” Narcissa shouted, her voice was loud and mad. Regulus’ sobs filled the empty rooms as they passed. “Aunt Walburga! Mum! Someone!” Narcissa kept screaming, Regulus kept crying, Sirius kept bleeding. His sight was blurred and confused. He was about to pass out, he could feel it.

Bellatrix and her husband appeared a moment later behind them, Sirius and Regulus’ mother appeared at the same time.

“Who’s screaming?”

“It’s Sirius, he’s not well. He has a rose stem in his throat!” Regulus cried, his words interrupted by the sobs.

Walburga just moved her fingers and Sirius stopped bleeding. Everyone went quiet. Sirius could still feel his throat burning, the thorns weren’t touching his skin anymore, but it still hurt. He still felt like he was going to faint.

Instead of asking what happened, Walburga turned angrily towards Regulus. “Stop crying!” She slapped him in the cheek, “Toujours Pur, you two.” She was talking to Sirius and Regulus. “I’m not going to ask you how that happened, I’m going to ask you what did you do to deserve that?”

Sirius still couldn’t talk. Regulus was trying to hold back his tears. Narcissa looked down.

Before one of the three could say something, Bellatrix’s voice announced: “He said some things he shouldn’t have said.”

After that, Sirius received a slap too. His eyes fell on the floor in front of him, his cheek turning red. Regulus received one as well, he had broken down crying again and her mother punished him.

“Why can’t you just be a decent son, Sirius?” She asked. “You two, go to your rooms right now. I do not want to see you at dinner tonight. Prey that tomorrow I’ll be less angry so you can celebrate Christmas with us. Go, now.”

Regulus and Sirius had two different rooms, but without saying anything, Regulus followed Sirius in his room and hugged him tightly. Sirius didn’t cry at first, just patted Regulus’ head, whispering, even if it hurt: “It’s fine. It’s alright, Reg. Everything’s okay.”

They broke away from the hug and said nothing to each other. Regulus pawed silently in his room, Sirius found himself alone in the dark.

Then, when the room was full of silence and the walls seemed to darken like a black sky was enveloping them, in that moment Sirius let out a suffocated sob. And cried all night.

(He probably thought, in that moment, that this was the worst Christmas Eve he had ever had in his life. He thought that, only because he didn’t know what was going to happen the year after that.)

*****

The next morning, her mother gave them the privilege to celebrate with the rest of the family. It was a lunch full of things the house elves had prepared, a long table of fifteen seats, since the Lestrange family and the Malfoy one were there as well. Narcissa and Lucius announced that they were going to get married in July. Everyone celebrated, Sirius’ aunt and Lucius’ mother cried tears of happiness, “What a beautiful news!” Like they didn’t already know everything about it. Like they weren’t the reason behind their marriage.

Sirius and Regulus kept quiet all lunch, Sirius barely eat anything.

Then, after lunch, they went to Sirius’ room and gave each other their present. Sirius gave him a small pocket telescope. The lens had a spell on it that could make you see 'the surface of the stars’, the seller had told Sirius. He didn't know if it was true, but he had found it a nice idea. It also had the initials of Regulus' name engraved on the surface, and a small note accompanied the package.

“Now you can watch the sky as if you were touching the stars you’re seeing. Love you my little R.A.B., your brother Sirius.”

Regulus hugged him so tightly that Sirius never forgot that hug. Never. (Even years after Regulus’ death, if he wanted, he could still feel his body against his own. Even when Regulus was still alive, when Sirius made the mistake to consider him dead, he could still feel his skin on his own.)

His brother gave him a pack of watercolours and a canvas. “I know you’re having difficulties with pencils, so I thought you could try this? I don't know if you’ll like it, but at least you can try and see if painting is better than drawing.”

Another long hug followed.

Sirius opened his letters after lunch. James, Peter, Andromeda and Remus had written to him.

James’ was the longest. He was happy, Sirius smiled.

Peter’s letter wasn't that long, but it was sweet. Sirius smiled again.

Andromeda sent him a letter and Sheer Heart Attack by Queen. Sirius couldn't wait to listen to it.

He was confused when he read Remus’ letter. Without realising, he was smiling when he finished it.

25/12/1974

Dear Sirius,
merry Christmas! Are you having fun in Paris? I hope you’re doing good with your family.
My house is always full of people, mum and dad have invited so many people, I don’t know if they’ll fit in our living room! There’s Peter’s family and Marlene’s too. Dumbledore will probably come as well. A lot of people from the ministry and men working with my dad. Mum wanted to invite Remus’ family too. He wrote to me this morning and said he’s fine. Peter is sleeping there for the next few nights, we’re having a lot of fun, I wish you were here with us. And Remus. I hope you’re good, write if you need something. I’ll give you my present when we go back to school, I can’t wait to see you.
Love you and miss you,
James Potter

-

25/12/1974

Hi Sirius,
I wish you and your family a happy Christmas. I’m staying at James’ house these days, it’s nice. I hope you’re enjoying Paris! It would have been great if you and Remus were here with us.
Wish you well,
Peter Pettigrew

-

Dear Sirius,
You have no idea how much I would love to spend the Christmas with you, and Regulus. I hope you’re both doing well. This is Nymphadora’s second Christmas. Ted and I love her very much. I wish you could meet her. Maybe one day. Here’s Sheer Heart Attack, I personally love Queen, you should give them a try. Write to me soon, I’d like to hear from you.
Merry Christmas,
your favourite cousin, Andromeda

-

I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas, but since I don’t want to waist so much paper, I’ll also write down a passage of a book I love.
“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.”
Of course, Remus J. Lupin

Of course.

*****

The return to Hogwarts had been chaotic. Sirius gave his friends their presents, and didn't mention anything about what had happened on Christmas Eve. No one knew about it, not even James. Sirius did not want to talk about it. Did not want to talk about anything in general. Sometimes, when he spoke, he still felt his throat burning. He closed his eyes and tried to forget about it.

It felt strange. Every night, when they stayed in the Common Room, Sirius and Remus were always silent. Sirius listened, put his head on James’ shoulder and laughed at his friends' jokes, looked at them talking. Looked at Remus. Neither of them had mentioned the Christmas letters they had exchanged.

After Sirius had read Remus letter (three or four times), he had placed a piece of paper in front of him and had tried to write something. Nothing had come for awhile. Sirius rewrote the letter a few times. He didn't know why. Then, he just ended up saying: “Merry Christmas Remus. I liked the passage you’ve sent me. What book is it? Thank you for the thought.” And, not sure of it, added a: “Hope you're having a good holiday with your family. See you soon at school.
P.s. I'm actually doing Runes’ homework, please say that you’re proud of me.
Sirius O. Black”

Remus had never answered. And even if Sirius didn't want to admit it, he wished he had.

He looked at him with the sight of the eye sometimes. Some nights he wanted to go down and listen to him playing so bad that he had to put his head under a pillow and squeeze hard his eyes. Their “tutor sessions” kept going on like before Christmas. Remus barely helped him, was always busy, always somewhere with Peter, or Lily and Mary, or snogging Viola.

Sirius kept attending his Quidditch practises for the whole month. He tried to paint something. It was weird. He wasn't used to it, it wasn't completely different than using a pencil. At first, his wrist was too still, he was still used to hold a pencil, still used to draw silhouettes first. It didn't work that well now. It took him the whole month to abandon his usual technique and just let his hand go on its own. He painted lines. The more he looked at the canvas, the more lines he added. He mixed up colours, created new forms. He didn't like the results that much, but he liked the feeling. It felt liberating. A bit, it improved his mood.

One night, when the Marauders found themselves alone in their room, sitting on James and Sirius’ beds—Peter on his, Remus on James’—he found the courage to ask: “What do you think about the war that’s going on?”

James and Peter turned to him. Remus, who was playing with the hem of his sweatshirt's sleeve, looked up too.

“My parents are working a lot,” James said, “that’s why my house was full of people during Christmas. It isn't going too bad, I think? My dad didn't want to tell me about it, but, I mean, if we were able to celebrate all together without my dad leaving for work or with the house empty because people were scared to come, it could be worse, right? I just hope it will end soon. It’s been four years.”

“My parents are working at the Ministry too,” Peter nodded, “and your dad as well, right Remus?” Remus didn't answer. “Yes, they have a lot of work to do, but I hope it’s getting better. Maybe the Dark Lord is getting weaker.”

“Your dad told you something about it?” James asked Remus.

“I haven’t seen my father. Only the night of the full moon.” Remus said quietly, his eyes looking down.

“Why?” Peter arched an eyebrow. “He had that much work to do at the Ministry?!”

“I don’t know.” Remus said, his voice low, his eyes down. “I don’t know, sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Peter assured him, smiling, a smile Remus couldn't see with his face down. Then, Peter turned to Sirius. “What, uhm, what about your family?”

Sirius looked up. “They haven't really talked about it, my cousin Narcissa’s wedding was the main topic of the holidays, but… I think, I mean, they kind of made me understand that they’re-” He looked a James, almost asking for help, “They’re picking a side. Probably already picked it.”

Peter’s eyes were wide. Remus was still looking down. James’ expression didn't change when he asked: “Which side?”

“You know which one.”

“Shit.” Peter murmured, James sent him a look.

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, “it’s shit.”

“Did they talk about you picking a side?” James asked, he was probably scared of even asking it, but his voice didn't change tonality or anything.

Sirius decided to avoid that part. He shook his head. “I’m still too young. But, like, Bellatrix and her husband already have the Dark Mark. It’s disgusting. They’re the only ones who have it, but I think that all my family is by his side. It’s not like they told me about it, I just feel like they’re with him, you know?”

“God.” James took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how it’s like to live in a family that have ideas so different from yours.”

There was a moment of silence.

Peter swallowed. “Because… you have different ides from them, right?”

“Of course he does.” Remus said, Peter looked at him with an apologetic look.

“Yeah,” Sirius stared at Remus. “I have different ideas from them. I would never join the Dark Lord. I’d rather die.”

“Me too.” James agreed. “I know we’re still young, but I’ve picked my side, and as long as this war goes on, I’ll always be with the good people. No matter what.”

“Yes.” Sirius said again. “Me too. No matter what.”

Remus spoke. “Of course, me too. If people want to think that I’m not… not with the good guys, I don’t care. I am. Always will be.”

“Why would they think you’re not?” Peter asked, his voice worried.

Sirius kept staring at Remus. “Because he’s a werewolf.” Remus met his eyes. Sirius grinned, “A Black and a werewolf, they’ll hate us, yeah?”

Peter looked at Remus concerned, like he expected Remus to snap or something. But Remus just sketched a slight smile. “Screw them.”

Sirius smirked even bigger. “Cheers.”

“Let’s not think about the war yet, yeah?” Peter asked. They all nodded.

*****

One day, Sirius felt so disgusted at the idea of the following Quidditch practise that he basically faked his death. He faked a big headache, stomach cramping. Everything that comes to your mind, Sirius had it. He absolutely had to stay in bed, ab-so-lu-te-ly. James was so scared he almost skipped Quidditch too.

“No, you go. I’ll be fine. I’ll sleep a bit, when you come back, if I’m still sick, we’ll go to Madam Pomfrey.”

“I don’t wanna leave you here alone,” James kept saying, “I’d rather know you’re in the hospital wing with Madam Pomfrey.”

“We’ll go if it’s needed. C’mon James, it’s getting late, you have to go.”

James was sitting down in his bed, he softly caressed Sirius’ hair with his hand, looking down worried at him. “You’re so pale.”

“I’m always pale.” Sirius smiled up at him, “Go, J. C’mon.”

Like he had heard Sirius’ call and was coming to save him, Remus opened the door a moment later. He was reading a book and walking at the same time, and eating his nails. He closed the door behind him with his foot and headed to his bed. James called out a “Moony” and he looked up almost scared.

“Hey.” He said, his eyes looking down at Sirius. “What…?”

“He’s sick.” James told him, Sirius now wished he had never said he was. “Can you stay here with him? I have Quidditch. Did you have to do something else?”

Remus shrugged, “I was just reading.”

“Good. Keep doing it while you look after him. If he gets worse, take him to the hospital wing, even if he protests.”

“I really don’t need that.” Sirius complained, but James ignored him.

“I have to go.” James got up, “You’ll look after him?”

Remus was staring at Sirius with his eyes so thin that they seemed almost closed.

“Moony?!”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll look after him. Go.”

James reached down and placed a kiss on Sirius’ forehead. He whispered something in Remus’ ear, but the boy didn’t even seem to acknowledge it. James looked back at Sirius, waved, and left.

“What has he told you?”

Remus ignored him. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Sirius stared at him. “What?”

“You’re not sick.” Remus said firmly.

“Of course I’m sick.” Sirius avoided eye contact. Like Remus could see his biggest secrets if he looked at him.

“No, you’re not.”

“Why shouldn’t I be sick?”

“That’s what I’m trying to understand.”

Sirius faked a cough and closed his eyes. “I’m really sick, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“And you seem to be sick only when you have Quidditch. Interesting.”

He opened his eyes again. “I do not know what you’re talking about.”

“Whatever. Sleep or do what you want, I won’t tell James.”

“What book are you reading?” Sirius changed the subject, Remus sat in the window and took a cigarette from his pack. He raised up the book cover and Sirius read: “Siddhartha”. He nodded, Remus lit up his cigarette.

“It’s the same book you wrote me about?”

“No. That was The Catcher in the Rye. My favourite.” He didn't look up from his book.

“I liked it.” Sirius tried, looking at him. Remus didn't seem to care.

“I’m glad.”

"Can I read it?"

Remus shrugged. "Sure."

Sirius thinned his eyes, glared at the smoke that left Remus’ mouth and flied outside the window. How many cigarettes did that boy smoke?

“I hate Quidditch.” Sirius caught Remus’ attention. “I don’t know how to tell James.”

Remus just looked back at him. “Wow, who would have thought.”

Sirius arched an eyebrow. “You knew? Regulus told you?”

“Regulus didn't tell me anything.” Remus exhaled. “I’m just intelligent enough to see that you try to skip Quidditch every time you get the chance. I’m surprised James hasn't figured it out yet. It’s pretty obvious.”

“How can I tell him?” Sirius asked, desperately. He sat up and came out from the sheets. “I don’t want to.”

“Yeah, that’s your problem.”

Remus kept looking outside, Sirius got up. “What do you mean?”

“You don’t do a lot of things that you want to do. And do a lot of things that you don’t want to do.”

“I know. I fucking know that.” Sirius closed his eyes and sighed. “You’ve already told me that.”

“But you’re not doing anything to change that, are you?”

Sirius got closer to him. Remus was now looking at him, the cigarette still in his mouth. "That’s your problem, you can say this to me, but when I tell you that you like to have control you get mad at me. For months.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“You’re not mad at me, but you always avoid me.”

Remus looked at him like Sirius was mad. “We’ve avoided each other for years, Sirius.”

“Yeah, but I thought-“ Sirius stopped. What had he thought? That now Remus liked spending time with him? Of course not. Problem was, Sirius did like spending time with the asshole. “Whatever.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. I just thought that you didn't hate me anymore.”

Remus put out his cigarette and closed his book. “I don’t hate anyone. I don’t like that word.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I thought you didn't despise me anymore.”

Remus said nothing, he kept staring at Sirius, who now started to feel weird. He had to look away, play with his feet, clear his throat.

“Forget about it,” he shrugged. “I was wrong. End of story. You just confuse me. It’s fine. Whatever. Don’t tell James about Quidditch, yeah?” He changed subject. “And since you don’t hate me, can you fucking help me in Runes instead of avoiding me? Thanks.”

“Okay.” Remus said. Sirius was a bit angry. Was it the only thing he had to say?

Before Sirius could attack him with insults, Remus asked him if he wanted a cigarette. Sirius stayed silent for a moment, then sat down with him. “Okay.”

Remus started rolling one, his fingers working fast. Sirius watched them.

“Why don’t have them already done? Like, a normal pack of cigarettes.”

“Because this is less expensive.” Remus licked the paper, looking up at him. Sirius turned away. 

He was a bit nervous about smoking. He didn't know why he had told Remus that he wanted to. He took the cigarette that Remus handed him and let him light it up for him.

While Remus rolled another cigarette for himself, and Sirius tried not to choke, he heard him swallowing. Sirius looked up immediately.

“When you said I like to have control over things, what did you mean?” Remus asked, not looking up, pretending he was too focused on his cigarette.

Sirius sat up straight. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

“I know.” Remus said, “But, uhm- I don’t want people to think… that. I don’t want, like, Peter thinking I’m controlling him, or Viola, or anyone. I don’t want them to feel like they’re being controlled by me.”

Sirius ignored the fact that to Remus it was a ‘them’, not an ‘you’. He didn't care about Sirius.

“I’m sure they don’t think that.”

“I do not want them to think that.” Remus insisted for a moment, then swallowed again. “I just, don’t want it.”

They kept quiet.

“You’re scared to lose them?” Sirius asked. He inhaled a bit of smoke, looked at Remus, exhaled. And was fucking scared of his own question.

Remus met his eyes, and for a moment Sirius thought he was going to get mad like that other time, but he didn’t. Actually, he just mumbled a: “Yes, I am.”

Sirius didn’t know what else to say. “I get it. I am too. To lose the ones I love, I mean. Like, when I told you I was jealous of you, and James, and Regulus, it’s ‘cause I’m always afraid that, like… You know, when I saw you and Regulus being friendly and all that, I thought to myself that soon he would have liked you more than me. Or, like, you know that our group’s always been me and James, you and Peter. And I realised that if I ever lost James, I would be lost. Really lost. Like my life depends on the people I know. What you said to me the night of my birthday. You were right, I hated you when you said it, but it was the truth.”

Remus just glared at him, Sirius pretended that his gaze wasn't making him go crazy. He smoked his cigarette, didn't expect Remus to say anything. The boy kept staring at him, Sirius was too scared to meet his eyes.

“I think you should quit Quidditch. Start from that.”

Sirius looked up at the sound of his voice. Remus tried to show a little smile, “You can do it.”

“Okay.”

They smoked in silence, sometimes Sirius’ eyes fell on Remus. He was looking outside, or keeping his eyes closed. Sirius really watched him when he had his eyes closed. Remus had long eyelashes that fell softly on his cheeks, his skin glowed in the sun, his scar covered his face in a unique way. He looked so special. He was very pretty. Sirius hated to think that.

“I have the new Queen’s album,” Sirius came out with, “you wanna listen to it?”

Remus opened his eyes.

“Sure.”

*****

The fourteenth of February came in a rush. Sirius felt like he had just closed his eyes and had, in some chaotic way, passed from the night of Christmas to Valentine’s Day, which, that year, fell on a Friday. The hallways were full of couples, people snogging their faces off in every corner. Yeah, it was pretty much that.

Sirius was disgusted.

In their group, the one only in a relationship was Remus, who didn’t even celebrate. “Viola hates Valentine’s day, and so do I.” And, Sirius thought to himself, it wasn’t like they didn’t already spend almost every day together. Sirius sometimes wondered what they did. Yes, they kissed, that was clear. But what else? What else?

Sirius couldn’t imagine himself in a relationship. Or, more specifically, he couldn't imagine a person to be in a relationship with.

The day after Valentine's Day was a Hogsmade Saturday, so everyone took the chance to celebrate a day late. The small village was full of students holding hands, kissing, saying ‘I love you’ to each other everywhere.

Sirius was even more disgusted.

The girls had found a date each. Somehow, they were all busy that Saturday.

Mary had a date with a Ravenclaw boy from their year, Spencer or whatever, who was the exact same copy of Remus. Like Sirius hadn't noticed that Mary had a big crush on him. She was probably sad that he was with Viola.

Marlene didn't have a date, really, but was going out with Dorcas and some of the Ravenclaw girl’s friends. The two of them were getting closer and closer to each other, Sirius had noticed it.

Lily was on a date with Liam Jenkins.

James looked like a dog that had been beaten up. He, Sirius and Peter were sitting in a table near the window at the Three Broomsticks Inn. Of course, even if Viola and Remus didn't celebrate, they were somewhere together snogging or doing God knows what.

Sirius and Peter were listening James’ complaints.

“I don’t understand,” he was saying, “what does he have that I don’t? Literally nothing! We’re both in the Quidditch team, both pureblood, both rich, both wear glasses. My hair is better than his. And he’s seventeen! He’s out of age! She’s only fifteen! Turned fifteen two weeks ago!”

“It’s true, your hair is better.” Peter agreed.

“What if we go in the Hog's Head Inn and see if they serve us alcohol?” Sirius proposed.

James hit the table with his forehead, Sirius turned to him with wide open eyes.

“Also,” the boy on the table added, “I don’t understand. She hates me because I’m a pureblood, but she’s going out with a pureblood!”

“She doesn't hate you because you’re a pureblood,” Remus’ voice came out of nowhere, the three of them looked up immediately. The boy was standing in front of their table, Viola by his side. His arm on her shoulders casually. “She hates you because you’re a jerk who pulls pranks on her best friend.”

“You put pranks on him too, but she doesn't hate you!” James complained. Remus couldn't say anything about that.

“Who?” Viola asked. “Lily?”

“Of course.” Peter made her space next to him, she thanked him and sat down. Remus sat near James.

“I didn't know you liked her.” Viola turned back to James.

Sirius sighed. “We didn't either until two months ago. He was hiding it. Badly, but was hiding it.”

“Oh my God, really?”

“Pretty much.” Remus put his arm around James’ shoulder. “Oh, c’mon James, ignore them. Their date probably sucks.”

“What are you two lovebirds doing with us losers?” Peter asked, talking with Remus and Viola.

“Tired of snogging?” Sirius added.

“I wish I was tired of snogging.” Peter commented.

“You could snog whoever you want, really.” Viola looked at them. 

“That’s not true.” Peter pouted.

Viola turned to him. “Yes, it is. You’re the most popular guys of our year. A lot of girls want to snog you. You just have to open your eyes.”

“I’ll open them, then.” Peter nodded, “I’m tired of seeing you two snogging. I wanna have someone too.”

“Snogging is not that big of a deal.” Sirius commented, even if his only snogging experience had been that one time, the night of his birthday. “It’s difficult at first. It’s wet. Sometimes your teeth crash. It’s not that good.”

Viola tried not to laugh. “You’re just doing it wrong.”

“Oh, so Moony’s good at it?” Peter chuckled, looking at Remus.

“What is Moony?” Viola asked, confused.

“Remus’ nickname. Because he’s moody.” Sirius explained, hoping that Viola didn't ask about the moon’s significance. Did she know about Remus? Sirius had never thought about it. Knowing Remus, she probably didn’t.

“Cool,” she just said, “what are your nicknames, then?” She asked them. Sirius and Peter shared a look.

“Us three? We don’t have one, really.”

“Only Remus?”

“Yep.”

“Why?” She laughed.

“Because he’s special.” Peter said, smiling at Remus, who wasn't following the conversation.

“James.” He said at some point, after a moment of silence, “Are you crying?”

Sirius's arm was still around James’ shoulders, while the boy's face was hiding in his own armpit. Now that Sirius turned to him, he realised that James' shoulders were actually shaking a bit.

“No,” James mumbled.

“James Potter.” Sirius said, “Are you seriously crying because Lily's on a date with that prick?”

“You don’t understand how much I like her,” James left Sirius’ arm, “you always make fun of me. You don’t understand.”

“We don’t make fun of you.” Peter tried, but James cut him off.

“Yes, you do. I don’t care about it, really. We did it with Moony's crush too, it’s not that. It’s that you don’t understand how sad I am about it. I’d like to see you having the girl you like hating on you. I literally did nothing to her! She just chose to hate me!”

“I’m sure she doesn't really hate you,” Viola said. “I don’t wanna pretend that she likes you, because you know that she doesn’t. But she doesn't like the idea she has of you. You’re not like she describes you.”

“What does she say about me?” Viola seemed to have James’ attention.

“You’re arrogant. Egocentric. A bit childish. Mean. Always wanting everyone attention on you, always doing stupid things to have it. Act like you’re the centre of the universe. Too full of yourself. That’s what she says.” Viola said, without any filter. “But that’s not what you are, right? Right, James?”

“I’m not arrogant,” James pouted, “and I do like the attention, but. I don’t act like that. I don’t, right?” He asked the others for a confirmation.

“You don’t.” Viola replied for them. “Listen, you four do have people's attention. It’s true, but you’re not bad guys. You’re nice, really. Especially you, James. Dorcas told me you helped her last week in the Quidditch pitch, yeah? You always help others if they need you. I don’t think that putting pranks on that gross Slytherin boy means you’re childish or arrogant. Or mean. Actually, his friends that never help him are mean. Other that changing the colour of his hair or his uniform, you’re not really hurting him. You’re funny most of the times. Never exaggerate. You look childish, that’s what people see of you, but it’s not what you’re, isn't it?”

“James’s the best person I know.” Sirius said immediately. “I’m not kidding. He’s amazing. If Lily doesn't like him, she’s stupid.”

“She’s not stupid,” Viola smiled softly, “She doesn't know you. Listen, James.” She touched his hands, “I’m not here to tell you to wait for her, I don’t wanna tell you that one day she’s gonna fall in love with you, I hope she will, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen. You’re a great guy, really. Lily probably doesn't understand it, and it’s fine, you can't force her to like you, but I get that you’re hurt. Why do you think she thinks that of you? Try to make her change idea, maybe. If she gets to know the real James and still doesn't like you, it’s her loss. You can’t force her to like you, and you can't live your life waiting for her either. You’re only fourteen, I know it feels like she’s the only girl in the world for you now, but she’s not. If it goes bad with her, it doesn't matter, okay? You’re a great guy, and deserve great.”

James wiped his tears with the back of his free hand and nodded, looking down at the table. “Okay.” He whispered. Viola squeezed his other hand.

“C’mon, don’t think about it now, okay? One day you’ll be happy too, and I can’t wait to see you like that.”

James smiled at her, she smiled back.

“Wow.” Peter said, looking at Sirius and Remus. Remus was smiling at Viola too. Sirius left a kiss on James’ head. The boy smiled at him.

“Thank you.” He said to Viola, “You said really nice things.”

“Just the truth.”

“Thank you.” James said again, wiping the last of his tears.

“I have a bit of vodka in my dormitory,” Viola said, “You wanna drink a bit?”

James smiled. “Thanks, I don’t drink alcohol. Quidditch.”

“You won't play bad if you drink some vodka once.” She smiled back.

“Okay.” James said, “Okay, let’s drink some vodka.”

“Really?” Sirius asked him, James nodded.

“Yes. C’mon, let’s go.” He and Viola got up and led the group while they walked back to the castle. Remus, Peter and Sirius behind them.

“She’s amazing, Moony.” Peter told Remus.

Remus nodded, looking at her in awe. “Yes, she is.”

Sirius agreed. Really. She had said nice things, she had been really sweet. She was great. He really thought that.

Yet, Sirius didn’t know why, but when he looked at Remus watching her with a big smile, he kind of hated her too.

Chapter Text

REMUS

I can say that I was lucky enough to have amazing friends. I really was.

You meet marvellous people at eleven, spend all your days with them for the next ten years, love them with all your heart, laugh and cry with them, learn from them. You meet them and your life’s changed. Forever.

But when the people with whom you have made the best memories, become memories themselves, you find it hard to think of them without suffering. It’s natural.

I wish I could say I can think of them now and don’t suffer.

I wish I hadn't loved him. I wish I hadn't trusted him. I wish any of us hadn't trusted him. Then maybe, they would all be alive now.

The Sacrifice of Iphigenia; Tiepolo (1759)

*****

First part: Vulnerable, guilty.

The first days of February passed relatively quickly. Remus’ days were starting to feel a bit monotonous. He read, played the piano, studied, did his homework, helped Sirius in Runes, spent time with Viola, listened to Lily’s complaints about Liam Jenkins’ new girlfriend of the week.

Liam Jenkins was an asshole. One who slept with every girl and broke a lot of hearts. When he asked Lily out on Valentine’s day, Remus asked her if she was sure about it for an hour. Literally an hour. She still went.

So, because of that, Remus had also to listen to James’ complaints about Lily’s crush on Liam. Then he spent a lot of time in the library with Peter. Kept thinking about pranks they then put on Severus. Continued with the ‘Marauder’s map’ project. Stayed a lot in Viola’s room.

That was basically it.

It had been a while since he and Viola had touched each other. At first, they snogged a lot. They touched the other’s body above the clothes. Then, one day at the beginning of December, Remus had let out a sigh against Viola’s neck, moved his hand between her legs, and then looked up at her with big eyes.

“Can I? You want me to?” He had asked, his voice barely audible. His hair messy, his neck and lips red.

Viola had kissed him. Taken his hand and moved it where she pleased. “I’ll show you.”

She then did show him. It was the first time Remus realised how good it was to hear, feel and see someone else’s pleasure because of him. He was the reason of her little screams, eyes squeezed, hands gripping the sheets. He was obsessed with the thought.

They experimented a lot. Saw what the other liked the most. Started understanding the other's body. Remus guided her, she guided him.

At some point, he really felt like he had an obsession. He craved Viola’s touch all day. Mostly at night. Wanted her mouth, her hands on him. Was never patient. They spent a lot of time together, didn't talk much anymore, tried new things. Remus discovered what his body liked the most. Did what Viola liked the most.

It was giving and received. It was good.

He blamed it on the hormones. He blamed it on the feelings that followed his orgasms.

Peace. He stopped thinking. He left the world and all its problem behind.

Remus had waited impatiently for Valentine’s day. Not because he liked the festivity—of course he didn’t—but because he was hoping that he and Viola could finally have sex.

They didn’t. James had a breakdown and they spent the afternoon getting drunk in the boys’ room. Mary joined them at some point, she seemed to appear every time someone was drinking alcohol or smoking weed.

“How was your date, Mary?” Remus asked her. He was sitting on the window, smoking his tabacco. The only ones really drinking were James, Viola and Peter. Sirius was sitting on the floor, looking at his feet.

Mary laid down on Remus’ bed, she had left her shoes next to the bedroom’s room. “Mh. He didn't even kiss me. I don’t know.”

“You could have kissed him if you wanted to.” Remus said, Mary looked up at him.

“It was Viola who kissed you the first time?”

“No.”

“I knew it.” Mary just said, and went back to looking up at the ceiling.

Marlene and Dorcas joined them before dinner.

“Where’s Lily?” Marlene asked, laying down next to Mary on Remus' bed. 

“Don’t mention her.” James said. He had his head on Sirius’ legs.

The long haired boy met Remus' eyes for a second. He was sinking his fingers into James' hair, there was something strange in his gaze every time he looked at Remus. Did he need something? He looked like a beaten dog, Remus wondered if Sirius was looking for his pity or something. The whole day he had been staring at Remus with those eyes.

Remus was starting to get annoyed.

“Oh God.” Marlene sighed. She probably knew about James' crush. 

“What’s up with him?” Dorcas asked. She probably didn't know about James' crush.

Viola shook her head at her.

“Lily’s breaking his heart.” Peter answered. 

Lily didn’t show up for dinner.

James kept turning to the Hufflepuffs table, looking for Liam, who was missing too.

She appeared only later that night, when their group was in the Common Room, without Viola and Dorcas.

“Lily.” Mary said when she saw her. Everyone looked up. “You’re alive, then.”

“Hi.” Her breath was fast. She looked at Remus. “Remus, can I talk to you?”

Remus closed his book. Me? “Uhm, yeah. Of course.”

“Alone.”

“Oh.” Remus got up. Looked at James, who had his head bent down towards the floor. Looked at Peter, who bit his lip. Looked at Sirius, who just stared back at Remus, nothing in his expression.

They went in Remus’ room, Lily sat in his bed, and smiled up at him.

“It went amazing.” She said immediately, even if Remus hadn't asked her anything. “Oh God. It was amazing, Remus. He kissed me. He fucking snogged my face off. We tried to enter in the Shrinking Shack, you know that haunted house?” Remus said nothing. “Well, we snogged multiple times. I think he wanted to do something else. You know. I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“What?”

“You know, sex.”

“Eh.”

“You and Viola have already done something, I believe. You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to. You’re the only one I know who might have done something. I don’t have enough confidence with Viola yet, I couldn't ask her. But I can ask you. What you think about it? Should I do it?”

Remus was confused. “Do what?”

“I don’t know! What there is before sex. Or, like, actual sex. You know what I’m talking about!”

“You’re asking me if you should suck Liam’ cock?”

“Remus!” Lily rolled her eyes.

“Right. Well, if you want to.”

“You think it’s too soon?”

“You think he’s being serious with you?” Remus asked, he was still standing, his back against the door.

“I- I mean, I don’t know. I hope so, yeah.”

“How many girlfriends has he changed this year?”

“It doesn't matter, Remus. He’s different with me. He wants things to be slow with me.”

Remus was playing with his feet, looking at her. "But he snogged you the first time you went out together."

She frowned a bit, but said nothing.

He wasn't saying anything either, a part of him had James in his mind, another part had Lily. The James’ part was hurting. The Lily's part was worried.

"Lily, how old is he again?"

"It's just two years of difference, Remus."

"He's turning eighteen in a few months. Why would an eighteen-year-old want to go with little girls?"

"Little girls?" Lily laughed. "You've been with Viola for months, and you're still fourteen. Is it different because I'm a girl and you're a boy?"

"You know I don't mean that." Remus said immediately. He covered his face with his hands. “Listen, Lily. I’m not, like, your dad or anything. But, I mean, do you trust him? I think you should think about that. Do it if you trust him, that’s the most important thing. Trust.”

“I trust him.” Lily said, dreaming. Remus had never seen her like this. She was never like this. She never acted like a normal girl. Always tough and untouchable. Never dreamy, never too smiley. “And don’t say I’m too young, please. My sister lost her virginity at fourteen. I’m already fifteen.”

Remus’ feet stopped moving. “You wanna do it because your sister had sex before you?”

“No! I mean, not only because of that.”

“Lily.”

“What?”

“You’re doing it because your sister has already done it?”

“My sister is older than me.”

“That’s not what I asked you.”

“She has a boyfriend, Vernon. I met him during the holidays. He’s awful, really. He looks like-“

“Lily.”

“Okay! Maybe. Maybe I want to have a boyfriend too, alright?”

“And you think Liam’s the right person?”

“Oh, c’mon. You’re only saying that because you're friend with James.”

Remus suspected that she knew about James’ crush.

“At least James really cares about you.”

“Liam cares about me too!”

“Good." Remus let out flatly. "If you say that he’s a good guy, then decide for yourself. Why are you asking me if you should be with him?”

“I’m not asking you anything.” She was angry now.

“Excuse me?” Remus was starting to get angry too. “Yes, you just did.”

Lily got up. “Whatever. I thought you wanted to help me. I guess I was wrong.” She marched towards the door, “Move. I wanna get out of here.”

“What the fuck, Lily?”

“I can make my own choices.”

“I’m sure you can, I never said you can’t. You asked me-”

“Let me get out.”

“Okay.” Remus moved to the side to let her out. She stormed out of the room, leaving Remus confused, annoyed, and a bit angry.

Later, when James asked him what Lily had said, he just shrugged.

*****

Not only Remus’ hormones, but everyone's seemed to explode after Valentine’s day.

Lily was found snogging Liam everywhere. Mary seemed to have followed Remus’ advice and was also found snogging that ‘Spencer’ guy everywhere.

James came out one day with: “You know, I think I moved on from Lily. I don't care if she's with Liam. She was probably the wrong person for me anyway.”

“Yeah?” Sirius mumbled, his eyes looked for Remus' ones. James was playing with the golden snitch Sirius had gave him as Christmas’ present.

"One hundred percent sure."

Then James found himself a girlfriend. A Gryffindor girl from their year who was hitting on him since November. Apparently, James chose that her interest in him was now perfect.

So, of course, he was found snogging ‘Emily’ everywhere.

But the most unexpected thing was Dorcas Meadowes getting with a girl. The thing was in everyone’s mouth. Marlene seemed to be her protector, every time someone dared to look in Dorcas and her girlfriend Zoe’s direction with something that wasn't awe, she blurted out something like: 'What are you looking at?’ or ‘Do you have a problem or something?’ or ‘What? You need something? No? Then fuck off and mind your own business.’

The only ones who weren't with someone by the end of the month were Peter, Sirius and Marlene.

“What’s up with y’all? It seems like you’re obsessed with love or something.” Peter said one day at the beginning of March. Remus' birthday only a few days away.

“You’ll get it when you try it, Pete.” James replied, before going back to his kissing session with Emily. They were having lunch, for fuck’s sake.

“It’s becoming a bit disgusting.” Peter commented, looking at James and Emily’s tongues for a second, before turning away with his face contorted in disgust. Remus smirked at him.

“I hope you’re not talking about Dorcas and Zoe.” Marlene made her way into the conversation. “I think they’re very brave. Especially Dorcas. Poor her, she told me that her parents didn’t take it well when she first came out to them. She had enough courage to tell them that she's... gay! She’s really strong. Imagine how hard can it be?”

“I’m not talking about Dorcas and Zoe,” Peter sighed, “I like them together, and yes, they’re brave. I’m talking about these two snogging in front of me every damn minute.” He looked at James and Emily.

Marlene couldn’t care less about James and Emily. “Yeah, yeah. You know what Dorcas’ parents told her when she came out to them? They said that she’s too young to know what she likes and that this is just a phase! Imagine being told that! It’s already hard for her, and her parents aren’t making it any easier. She told me that her mother was fifteen when her parents got engaged. Dorcas is fifteen too! She knows what she likes.”

“Does she like only girls?” Sirius asked, his mouth full of mashed potatoes.

“Only girls. Oh my God, she’s so strong. Today’s generation thinks that being homosexual is a crime or something like that. First, there are prejudices about your blood type, then, there are also prejudices for your skin's colour, and now! Prejudices for your sexuality. Can people just mind their own business? It’s always about judging everyone, like it’s funny to do it. I don’t get people. Like, what do you care if I like to sleep with boys or with girls? I mean-“

“Marlene.” Peter stopped her, his head in his hands. “Can you please quit it? Thanks. I have an headache.”

Remus wasn’t even listening. He was correcting Sirius’ homework, they had Runes in an hour and he had forgotten to look at his essay the night before.

When he looked up, he found Sirius already looking at him. His hand holding his cheek, his head abandoned on his bent arm. He looked away as soon as Remus met his eyes.

“Here,” Remus handed him the piece of paper, “it’s probably the best translation you’ve done so far.”

“Thanks.” Sirius said, looking down at the paper, still avoiding eye contact, his cheeks now red. What the hell was happening with him those days?

“You’re still tutoring him?” Marlene asked.

“Yeah.”

“So you don’t hate each other anymore?”

“Remus is sometimes likeable.” Sirius said, putting down his essay.

Remus poured himself a glass of water. “Well, I can’t say the same about you.”

“Ha ha.”

Still avoiding eye contact.

“What are you doing for your birthday, Remus?” Marlene changed the subject again. Remus turned to her, then drank his water with all the calm in the world.

“Nothing.”

“The Marauders aren’t throwing a party?”

“We wanted to.” Peter said, Marlene was probably still annoyed at him. “But he told us not to. Since his birthday falls on a Monday and whatever.”

“We can skip fifteen, it’s not that important.” Remus said, yawing. He felt a bit tired, and was regretting that he had stayed awake till 3 in the morning. He called it a progress, though. When school had started, he never slept, just one or two hours at night. At least now he managed to sleep four or five hours almost every night. Sometimes Sirius stayed up with him. They never really talked much, but now Remus didn't despise his company anymore. Most of the times.

He didn't really know what he wanted for his birthday that year. He was afraid that everything he really wanted was impossible to get. A normal life. Parents together. A dad who hadn't cheat on his mum. Not being a werewolf. 

So, they didn't throw a party for Remus’ birthday. But he and Viola did have sex for the first time that day.

It was something that Remus wanted and could have. So he made it clear what his wish was.

Viola caught it.

After it, they were laying in Viola’s bed, both breathless, Viola’s head on Remus’ chest.

“Oh God.” Remus found himself saying. “You okay?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Amazing.” He whispered, Viola smiled against his skin. “Best birthday present ever.”

“It was good, yeah.”

“Was it? You sure?”

Viola looked up at him, rested her chin on his chest and smiled. “It was. Sure.” She reached out to kiss him on the lips, Remus smiled.

He looked down at her, playing with her hair. Her skin was on his, her breath, her smell. She was beautiful, and kind, and clever, interesting. Everything he liked the most. For a moment, he realised that he wanted to say 'I love you', but didn't. For a moment, he just looked at her. And breathed.

"You make me really happy." He said instead, and it seemed to be enough for Viola. He was glad that it was enough.

Later that night, the Marauders sang ‘Happy birthday’ to him in the Common Room and everyone followed them. Remus just smiled.

He felt happy.

He kept feeling good for the next days.

One late afternoon, after coming back from Viola's room, he found James smiling at one of the Common Room's window. Remus sat beside him and put his book aside. 

"What? Lily's outside?"

James turned to him. "Lily?"

When Remus looked out, he saw Emily with her friends. He smiled at James.

"You really do like her."

James was almost offended. "Of course I do. You thought I was just playing with her?"

Remus put his hand on James' shoulder. "Sorry. I thought you still liked Lily."

"I'm not an asshole."

"I know you aren't." Remus looked out the window. "You're the less asshole person I know."

James grinned. "Snape wouldn't say the same."

Remus grinned back. "No one cares about what Snape says."

When he moved his hand away, his eyes still locked on the window, James' voice came to his ears. "You look happy these days, Moony."

Thanks to the orgasm that I had only twenty minutes ago, Remus was tempted to say. He didn't meet James' eyes.

"What you mean? I'm always happy."

James just stared at him, but didn't add anything else.

*****

More than a week after his birthday, he was in the Common Room with Sirius, playing the piano, fastening songs, moving his hands like a madman.

“What’s up with you tonight?” Sirius asked when he finished the fifth song of the night. It was probably one in the morning.

“What?”

“You seem more, I don’t know, energetic.”

Remus played a few notes, then looked at Sirius. It's sex. He wanted to say. Maybe Sirius read his mind, because he then grinned.

“You can play the piano?” Remus asked him. Something he had wondered a few times.

Sirius was taken aback by the change of subject. “A bit.”

“Play something.”

“Nah.” Sirius was laying on the carpet near the piano. He looked up at Remus.

“Yes.”

"I'm not good."

"Play something."

"Now?"

"Play."

Then, for some strange reason, Sirius got up and sat next to him. “This’s the only one I remember.” He played the beginning of a Chopin’s symphony, then stopped and looked at Remus. “That’s it.”

It wasn't bad. “It’s not that bad.”

“It is.”

“You could be good at it if you wanted to.” Remus continued.

Sirius smirked, his hands were now on his legs. He was sitting an inch away from Remus. “Wanna give me piano lessons too?”

Remus shrugged, he had never taught how to play to someone. Didn't even know how to do it. He had learned by himself, just practicing. “If you want to.”

Sirius’ eyes seemed to have lit up. “You really would?”

"You stalk me every night anyway."

"I can leave."

Remus realised that he didn't really care. He shrugged.

“I like playing the piano.” 

“And teaching.” Sirius added.

He looked at the keys. “Yeah, a bit.”

“Then why don’t you do your study groups anymore?”

Remus was caught by surprise. “I don’t think they were that helpful.”

Sirius arched an eyebrow. “Yes, they were.”

Remus kept looking at the keys, but a small frown formed between his eyebrows. “You don’t even know that.”

“Well, you’re good with me. Helping me in Runes, I mean.” Sirius’ voice lowered.

“I don’t wanna have the presumption of being better than others. Like I know more things than someone else.”

Sirius moved closer to him. Now their legs touched. “You do know more things than a lot of people.”

”I don’t brag about it.” Remus remarked. He still didn’t know if Sirius kept believing that. 

He felt Sirius move beside him. “I know.” He swallowed. “Well, when you help me, you feel better than me?”

Remus touched a few keys, produced a light sound. “I don’t feel better than anyone. I don’t wanna feel anything like that. That’s why I don't want people's attention on me.”

“But what if you are meant to have attention on you?”

“That’s no ‘meant’. I don’t have any special quality that makes me different from other people. It wouldn't feel right to act like I’m more important than someone else.”

He knew that Sirius was now watching him, but Remus kept looking at the keys. “You’re not acting like you are more important. If others give you their attention, they choose to act like you are.”

“Well, I don’t wanna give them anything to make them think that.” Remus touched another key and another and another.

“You can’t. They’re the ones who choose.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, you’re wrong, then.” Sirius touched a few keys too. Remus’ fingers stopped. “I told you, it’s meant to. You have something special, and people notice it, even if you don’t.” Like Sirius had realised what he had just said, he cleared his throat awkwardly. “I mean, talking in general. Not like, you you. I mean. C’mon, you know what I mean. I- yes, I was saying… I don’t remember.”

“It doesn't matter.” Remus began playing ‘Torrent’ by Chopin, fast and concentrated. 

“What is it that makes you like this?” Sirius laughed when he finished playing. “Love?”

Remus’ breath stopped in his throat. He felt a bit awful after that word. He pouted, swallowing. 

“None of your business, Sirius.” He got up. What time it was? Late. “I’m tired, I’m going to bed.”

Sirius looked up at him. “What? Why?”

“I’m tired, I said.” Remus repeated, even if, in fact, he wasn’t.

“Oh, okay.” Sirius licked his lips. “Yeah, I think I’ll come too in a second.”

Remus turned his back and began walking away. “Do whatever you want, I don’t care.”

“Remus-“

He reached the stairs before Sirius could continue. And even if he heard Sirius ask: ‘Have I said something wrong?’, he didn't answer.

*****

That time with Viola was the first of many others. Every time something annoyed Remus, when he was bored, when he ended up thinking about his dad, he went to Viola.

It wasn't healthy. Not for him, and, of course, not for Viola.

They slept together, barely talked to each other anymore, barely did anything that didn't involve sexual intercourses. Remus kept waiting for the feeling of peace he had felt for a while, but sometimes it didn't come. Sometimes it was emptiness. Sometimes it was just feeling lost and alone. Even if he was laying beside Viola, it felt like loneliness.

He played with her hair, kissed her forehead, trying not to feel like he had just taken advantage of her. She always gave him her consent, he asked multiple times, she always said yes. Yet, Remus felt guilty. Yet, he knew that they gave different meanings to the whole thing. 

And, a part of him was scared that she was going to say those three words to him one day.

He looked for peace, but it was guilt what he felt.

He felt guilty about a lot of things. And he knew he was doing nothing about it. 

But it all happened one night. Some time after James’ birthday, Remus received a letter. That was the beginning of everything.

He read it once, twice, three times. Slowly, scanned every word, hoping he was wrong. Hoping he hadn’t read what he had just read.

He panicked. It started slowly, he closed his eyes, kept repeating ‘no. no. no’ in his mind, read the letter again, while his breaths started to fasten. His lungs seemed to be empty, his brain too. The others noticed as soon as they heard him trying to catch his breath. His hands hurt, he didn’t feel them anymore, or his feet, or anything.

“Moony,” Peter reached out and put his hands on his shoulders, worried. “What’s wrong? Moony, breath.”

“No.” Remus said, shaking his head. “It can’t be.”

“What?” James asked, he kneeled down next to Peter. Sirius did too.

“It can’t be.”

“Moony, what? What have you read?” Peter’s hand was now on his cheek, forcing him to look in front of him.

“My dad. My mum.”

“What?”

He closed his eyes and hit Peter’s shoulder with his forehead. “It’s my fault.”

“What?” Peter asked again.

At the same time, Sirius asked more softly: “What happened, Remus?”

“My parents have divorced.” He said, finally. He tried to disappear against Peter’s chest. “This summer. They’ve divorced this summer. Nine months ago.”

It didn’t feel better to say it out loud. Remus had thought multiple times that maybe, if he told his friends about it, maybe it could hurt less. Maybe he could feel better.

He didn’t feel better now. It hurt just the same.

“What?” Peter asked, his voice felt distant.

“My parents fucking divorced.” He said again, hard. “They broke up, this fucking summer. My dad’s remarring now.”

He felt Peter’s fingers in his hair, his throat burned, he couldn’t keep his eyes open. It wasn't- It wasn't-

“I’m so sorry, Moony-“ James started, but Remus cut him off.

“He fucking cheated on my mum.” He said so quietly that the others didn't even hear. "I knew."

“What did you say?”

Remus sat up and looked at them, his eyes hurting for the light. He breathed a few times, looked at Peter with a frown. 

“It’s my fault, because I knew. When they broke up, my dad, the fucking coward, didn’t tell her that he had cheated on her. My mum has found out now. I knew. I’ve known since last Christmas. I never told her. A part of me knew that she didn't know, a part of me knew that he hadn't said anything. I could've told her myself. I could, but... But I didn't. It’s my fucking fault.”

“It’s not your fault.” Peter said, but the words felt too far now. “It’s not your fault he cheated.”

Remus took the letter aggressively and read. “She says that she wants to die. She says that she feels stupid for not having realised it earlier. She says she spends her days crying, wants to quit her job. I'm not even there to help her. If I-”

Sometime in the middle of this sentence, he broke down. He hid his face in Peter’s chest and began crying. He clang to him, his hands on Peter’s sweater, gripping hard.

And he cried.

For the first time in months, or maybe years, Remus cried.

His sobs filled the room like the melodies he played every night on the piano. It was heartbreaking to look at him. He, the boy with no emotions, crying in front of his best friends.

It was the first time that year that he felt alive.

Peter hugged him tightly, close to his chest. James and Sirius hugged him too. They were all on the floor, clinging to each other, Remus’ sobs feeling like a sad song.

It was even worse, because it was the first time he let an emotion that big touch him. He had avoided it all year, spent all his happiness and sadness and loneliness and anger in reading books all the time, staying up all night, learning new things like playing the piano or translating fucking latin. He had tried, for months, to spend all his energies in something else. In studying, finding himself a girlfriend, sleeping with her every time the thought of his dad and his mum, far away from him, came back to his mind. 

For months he had stopped feeling like a was an actual person. Had tried not to drown in his mind, in his thoughts, in reality. Had stopped living, somehow.

Now, when his sobs were the only sounds that filled the room, when his friends’ arms were the only things that filled his bones. That filled his heart, he felt it start beating again. After months, Remus breathed again.

James wiped the tears that ran down his cheeks with his finger, Remus looked at the floor, trying to calm down his breath.

“What happened between your parents, Moony?” Peter asked softly, “Why didn't you tell us sooner?”

“I didn't want anyone to know.” Remus covered his face with his hands, his eyes closed, his breath hot on his skin. “I found out that he had cheated on her last Christmas, and said nothing. I just chose to be angry. But I did nothing. My mum didn't even know. She’s just found out. Now. Months after they divorced. And I knew.”

“It’s not your fault,” Peter said again, “I can't imagine how hard it was for you in a situation like that. It’s not your fault you didn't tell your mum, it wasn't your place, Moony.” (Years later, Remus looked back at this conversation and didn't feel bad about his dad’s behaviour, he felt worse about Peter’s reassurance. He felt bad thinking how much he used to care about that boy, and how he thought that Peter cared about him too.)

“It is my place to protect her. To keep her safe.” He said between his teeth, trying to imagine how bad she was feeling at the moment.

“Remus.” Sirius’ voice reached his ears. “It’s not. You feel like it is because now that your dad can't do it anymore, you think you have to be the one who protects her. But you’re just a normal teenager who still has to find out a lot about life and-“

“I don’t.” Remus said, looking at him. “Don’t you get it? I can't have that privilege anymore. He, my father, decided to leave my mum. He left me. He didn’t care that I needed a dad. Like I don’t matter, I’m not worth it. He just found himself a new wife and new kids, better kids, and replaced us like we’re nothing. He left us, he didn’t care.” He looked up at the ceiling. “No one ever cares.”

“We care.” Sirius said firmly. He looked at Remus after saying that, not adding anything else, then turned to Peter and James.

“Of course we do.” James said, “We care about you. A lot of people care about you, Moony. Really.”

“It's not that,” Remus shook his head, “I do not want your pity. I don’t. I just wanted to feel enough, for one time.” He was about to cry again, his eyes were filling with tears, and Sirius probably noticed it, because he reached out and hugged him. It didn't matter if it was Sirius who was hugging him. Selfishly, Remus didn't care who it was. For one time, he let himself deserve an hug.

“I have to go to her." He said firmly. "I shouldn't have cried in front of you,” now he broke the hug, “I’m sorry. It was just… the moment. I want to sleep, now. I really wanna sleep. Just that.” And he did want to sleep, he wanted to make up for all the hours of sleep he had lost during those months, he wanted to never wake up again. “You won’t tell anyone, please?” He asked, lastly.

“No, of course not.” James said, “Don’t be sorry. Really.”

“Moony.”

He went to bed, closed his eyes, turned around, heard the others go down for dinner—he had told them to say he was sick, to not bring him up anything. He slept a few hours, woke up in a puddle of sweat. Reality hitting him.

Remus had never felt more ashamed of himself. He couldn't seem to believe what had just happened a few hours earlier in their room. He could hear his friends’ breaths through the curtains, he widened his eyes against the pillow. He thought about running away.

He went to the bathroom, washed his face, avoided his reflection in the mirror. Oh God, he thought, what have I done? What have I said?

He crawled back to bed, and seriously thought about running away. He had let his guard down for a second, he had shown his vulnerability to the people he cared the most about, and now he felt so wrong. He was ashamed, angry, disappointed.

The character he had been playing for months felt so real that Remus, in that moment, was just a boy who had to fight adults’ struggles, who wasn't allowed to feel like this, who had to be strong all the time. He had played that character for so long that he now felt like it wasn't just a character anymore.

A few minutes after he had come back to bed, Sirius moved his bed's curtain and let himself in. Remus looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Muffliato.”

“Sirius, what the fuck do you want?” He asked immediately, really wanting to be alone at the moment.

Sirius ignored him and sat down at the end of the bed. “I wanted to know how you felt, I heard that you were awake, and I was awake, so I thought-“

“I’m good, thanks. You should go back to sleep."

Sirius kept staring at him, he swallowed. “Hey, about earlier-“

“And you should forget about earlier.” Remus said firmly.

“Why would I?”

“Because I’m not like that. I’m not a pussy. I’m not scared, or anything about this situation. Angry, yes, not pathetic.”

“I don’t think you were pathetic,” Sirius said, his eyes deep in Remus’ ones. “I think- Listen, I’m really sorry ‘bout your situation at home, I- I kind of get it. James and Peter have perfect parents, but I don’t, I get that this has shaken you-“

“It didn’t. Not as much as I thought. Not as much as I acted earlier.” Lies.

Sirius kept quiet, studying Remus’ features. He was starting to feel annoyed by his gaze on his face. He closed his eyes and sighed, ready to say something else, but Sirius spoke first.

“I just wanted to say that I get how you’re feeling.” No, you don’t. “And, if you need, I… I’m here, yeah?” I don't need you, Sirius. “I think your dad’s an asshole if he didn't see how much you’re worth. Uhm, yes. I mean it, really.” I don't care. (Do I?)

He got up, Remus’ eyes followed him in silence. Sirius looked so small there, standing in front of Remus’ bed, his heart beating fast, his hands playing with each other.

“I just wanted to say that.” Sirius finished. “And, I like you better that way. When you shows your emotions.”

This sent Remus’ nerves over the edge. “I don’t care about what you like, Sirius.”

They kept looking at each other, Sirius was saying a lot of things, but Remus couldn't hear. It was a conversation from just one side, and Remus didn't care to be the other part of it.

Sirius looked down, smiled sadly to himself. “Yeah, I know you don’t.”

*****

Part two: lost, (s)cared.

Remus asked McGonagall if he could go home for a few days to see his mum.

He want that weekend, right after his last lesson on Friday. Two days after receiving the letter.

His mum barely left her bedroom. He stayed with her. Cooked for her. Slept next to her at night, like he did when he was little and scared. At the time, they were three on that bed.

Going back home made him realise how strong he needed to be. For her. For his mum. She called him her 'little man'. Her angel.

When Remus had to go back to school, she said she was going to wok the next day, for him. For her son. Remus almost cried.

He then retraced his steps. Back at school, he avoided the Marauders as much as he could. He spent every night in his room, in his bed, while the others were downstairs. When they came back, he pretended to be asleep, but heard them saying how worried they were about him. He hugged his knees tighter, pushing back tears. Then, without making a sound, he went down and stayed in the Common Room all night. Sirius, thankfully, never joined him.

He really did avoid them. He gave Sirius some translations to do, then corrected them without even talking to him. Avoided Peter again. Avoided the girls. Avoided Viola too. Just eat with his friends in the Great Hall, without saying anything, then went back to his hell alone.

By the middle of April, he found himself alone most of the times. The Marauders had tried, at first, to talk to him. Mention what had happened that one night, but nothing. They had given up after a week of fails. That was what Remus wanted.

Peter kept looking for him everywhere, always. Looked for his best friend.

James tried to add him in their conversations all the time, but never received anything more than a simple nod in his direction.

Sirius was the first who avoided him. It wasn’t that difficult between them. Remus avoided Sirius, Sirius avoided Remus back. Other than Runes translations shared without a word, it was nothing. At all.

Lily, after Valentine's Day, had detached herself a bit from him. But now she was back again, trying to understand what was happening with, what was wrong. She received no answers.

It was easier to avoid Viola, but she still looked for him. Of course she did. Now, when he met her in the hallways, he looked at the ground and told her he was busy. Or he wasn't feeling good. When she tried to reach out for him, or just take his hand, Remus moved back, eyes still on the ground. "I'm sorry."

Yes, he ate with the Marauders almost every day. Without sharing a word. “Moony, you feel good today?” “Yeah, just a bit tired.” “You’re sure?” “Yes, I am. Sorry, I have to go now.” He read books, reread them and analysed them like someone was asking him to, underlining phrases, coping them in a notebook. Memorised poems. Studied music, tried to compose something on his own. Studied latin, a bit of greek. His mind was so full it almost hurt.

He was eating a chocolate bar in the library, alone, one day. The seventeenth or eighteenth of April, one week before the full moon. Twenty days after his ‘vulnerable incident’ with the Marauders. It was a sunny day, everyone was outside. The exams were more than a month away, but Remus was already revising. What else did he have to do?

There was silence, not many people around. It wasn't difficult to catch Lily’s steps across the room. He looked up, met her eyes, she waved.

Lily sat beside him, a bit breathless. “Remus, hi, what are you doing here?”

He realised how sore his throat was, after not having spoken for days. “Er, studying?”

“Already? It’s sunny outside, you wanna go for a walk with me?”

“Uhm,” He kept reading, like she wasn't there. Lily tapped her fingers on the surface of the table. “I- I’m studying, Lily.”

“Please? I wanna talk to you.”

He shrugged, “Lily, I’m… busy.”

“No, you’re not busy, you’re just an asshole. You know that?”

He looked up with wide eyes. “I’m just studying-“

“No. Really. I don't know what’s wrong with you, there surely is something, and I’m sorry about it, but you’re acting like a prick. Not just with me, with everyone.” She sighed, looking up at the ceiling, abandoned on her chair.

“Listen,” he ignored it, "I don't wanna talk about it.”

“I don’t give a damn.” She kept looking up. “I’m not asking you to talk about it, I’m telling you that you’re acting really selfishly.”

“Excuse me?” Remus closed his book and sat back. Lily’s eyes were on fire when she met his.

“Yes. Don’t look at me like that, you know it too. Other than your responsibilities, like the fact that you chose to help Sirius in Runes, and you’re not doing it, it’s also about humanity. Ignore everyone without even giving an explanation? How coward of you.”

Remus opened his mouth to reply, but she didn't let him. “You’re lucky we love you, because we’re all worried. Peter’s fucking asking me everyday if I know what’s up with you. He's desperate. Then, just so you know, I’m helping Sirius in Runes. And Viola is sure that you want to break up with her, but don't have the courage to do it. While you sit there, doing whatever you’re doing, other people are hurting because of you. You’re aware they’re suffering, and you don't give a damn. No fucking way that’s the Remus I know.”

“Listen, fucking hell,” he was more fast than her this time, “I’m sorry if I’m not that stupid boy who always put others before him. Always kind and happy and all that fucking shit. I’m just trying to put myself first, for once, and you’re calling me selfish-“

“Are you, though?” Lily interrupted him, “Are you putting yourself first, Remus? Because to me, it seems like you’re just destroying yourself even more. And, you're not doing your friends any good either. You’re not putting anyone first. You're just letting yourself drown.”

“I’m just trying-“

“And, I came here to tell you that I broke up with Liam and that I’m feeling like shit, but you, fucking asshole, probably don’t care.”

“I care.” Remus said automatically, “Of course I do.”

“No, the fuck you don’t.” She looked away.

Remus opened his mouth again, closed it, then opened it again. “Why are you making me feel like shit?”

“Because you are making us feel like shit.” Lily looked at him only for a second. “And I’m fucking angry at you. And I miss you, and I’m angry because I know that you don’t miss me back.”

Remus studied her features. It was spectacular how Lily could, at the same time, show both anger, and sadness, in her face. He reached out to grab her hand. She let him.

“That’s not true.” He sighed. She didn’t want to meet his eyes, it seemed. “What happened with Liam?” He asked softly, not wanting to exaggerate and make her leave. He did care. Of course he did. He missed her too.

She sighed, looking at him sadly. “You really want to know?”

“Yes, I do.”

She sighed again. “It happened that you were right, that night, when I got mad at you. I knew you were, back then. I liked him, I did, but he didn’t. I tried to convince myself that he did, but as soon as I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him, he completely changed.”

“He didn't force you to do something you didn't want to, did he?” He asked immediately, now a bit worried.

She shook her head, “No, he didn’t, but I was tired of feeling bad because I didn't want to sleep with him. He always held it against me, I wanted it to end. I did, so I broke up with him, and I’m happy about it, really, but I did like him, you know? I liked the idea I had of him, yes, but it still hurts a bit.”

“When did you break up?”

“Five days ago. Six, actually.”

Remus felt like shit. He held her hand over the table and squeezed it. “I’m sorry, Lily, that I wasn't there for you.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Why are you acting like this, then?” She asked, looking at their hands. He stared at them too.

“I don’t know what else to do.”

“Oh, Remus.” She brought his hand to her cheek and smiled sadly. “You’re really lost, aren't you?”

He wanted to say no, firmly, but he didn’t. He breathed, admitted it to himself, and tried to sketch a smile.

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier.” Lily said, still holding his hand near to her face.

“No,” he shook his head, “you were right. I’m just too stubborn to admit to myself that I’m messing everything up. And that I’ll soon end up alone, and I’ll deserve it.”

“You won’t. We would always be by your side.” She smiled, Remus tried to smile too. “Listen, I don't know what happened, and if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s totally fine. I just want to tell you that I’m here, I care about you, and I’m not the only one who does. I’m sure you’re going through an hard time, you don't owe anything to anyone, really, but it’s hard to see you treating yourself like this.”

“Lily.” He shook his head, thought about giving up, just get up and walk away. He thought about waiting, until his friends started hating him. Until he was completely alone. He thought about it. “I do not wanna talk about it, but- I don’t wanna be a burden on anyone, okay? I just have to learn how to be an adult, I’m trying, I swear. I just have to do it better.”

Lily stayed silent for a moment, a frown on her face. “Why would you have to learn to be an adult? You’re only fifteen, Remus.”

“I don’t have time for this,” he shook his head, “if you knew the truth, you would understand why I say this.”

“Well, I don’t know the truth, but I’m sure there’s nothing that could make you cancel your adolescence and force you to be a man before you can actually become one. I’m not saying you’re immature or anything, you’re the most clever person I know, but it’s your right to live your life like the fifteen-year-old boy you are.”

He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

“What is it, Remus?”

“My parents divorced.” He said, without looking back. “My father left. I can no longer afford to behave like a child. Don’t you get it?”

“Oh, honey.” She looked down, “I’m sorry this happened to you. I remember how broken Mary was last year when her parents broke up, it must be hard.”

Remus looked at her. “Mary’s parents have divorced?”

“Yeah, one week before her birthday, last year. She felt like shit.”

He kept looking at her, his eyes completely open. “I didn't know…”

“She didn't like to talk about it either. Now she got used to it, but she’s still sad sometimes.”

“I didn't know.” He repeated, looking at the table surface like there was something, a solution, written on it. “You think I can talk to her?”

Lily played with his fingers. “Yes, I think so.” She then finally let go of his hand. “And, about what you said. I don’t think it’s true. I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Remus. Really. Give yourself the time to grow up. You’ll understand, with time, how to be an adult, we all will, but it’s not the moment yet. If you feel sad, or hurt, or angry, you totally have the right to be, but you also have the right to ask for help, yeah? It doesn't mean you’re weak.”

His eyes didn't dare to meet hers.

“That’s what you’re doing wrong.” She kept going. “If you want to act like an adult, you have to understand that pain is part of your life too. You can’t come out of the dirt alone, you have to accept that too. When you’ll get it, then you can start thinking about being an adult. For now, do your mistakes, learn from them, don’t let concerns and anxieties bring you down, especially the ones that is too soon to worry about. We’ll talk about it again when we’re old and boring, okay? Not now.”

(They did, in fact, never became old and boring. Remus couldn't stop thinking about that, every time that one conversation with Lily came back to his mind. Fate took her away from him too soon, that was the only thing he could think about.)

Her words imprinted into Remus’ brain. He let them run through his mind, tried to listen to them, tried to feel like they were right. They probably were, a little part of Remus was aware of it, the other kept telling him the contrary. It was a battle with himself, and there would be no winner in the end. If there was ever going to be an end. Remus wasn't so sure about it. He was sure, though, that he did want to try. He didn't want to give up. Not on her, not on his friends. And, not on himself. He wasn't sure how much he deserved it, to feel and be happy, but he could still learn a lot, not only from school books, but from people. It wasn't going to be easy, but, in that moment, he decided to try. Just try. And see. And feel. And live.

“Remus?” Lily brought back his attention.

Surprisingly, Remus found himself just nodding. “Okay. I’ll try.” He met her eyes. "I'll... try. It's not like I'll change tomorrow, but I-"

"You'll try." Lily finished the sentence for him. She kissed his cheek. “Good.”

"I cried in front of the Marauders." He admitted. "I was ashamed. I wanted to hide." Then he cleared his throat, mumbled under his breath a small: “I'm sorry about everything.”

She took his hands again. "You don't want to show your vulnerable part to others, don't you, Remus?"

Remus felt his heart ache. He just shook his head.

Lily smiled. "I know something about that." When their eyes met, her face became more serious. "But I don't hide if people I love see me like this. You don't either, right Remus?"

"I'll try." He said again. She just nodded.

“I wish Liam could see us holding hands right now and realise that he’s in love with me.” She said then, an almost smile on her face. Remus laughed.

“Lily.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

They both sighed, Remus rubbed the back of his neck. “Speaking about this… I have to talk with Viola too.”

“Yeah, you should.”

“She’s amazing,” he said slowly, “I don’t deserve her.”

Lily pouted, “I think you do.”

“No,” he let go of her hands, “I don’t.”

“I don’t think it’s about deserving or not. I think it’s about being ready or not. Yeah?”

Remus looked at her, he felt a bit stupid, and not ready. Like she had just said, it was just difficult. Being with Viola was amazing, she was, he did like her, a lot. It was something else. Not that he thought he was going to have this problem forever, but in that moment of his life, he wasn't ready to love her. And if he had a bit of decency, he had to let her go. Free her. It wasn’t his fault, nor her. It was just the wrong moment. It happens.

“I’ll talk with Mary first, then Viola. And the boys. I’ve been a prick to a lot of people, haven’t I?”

“Yeah, a bit.”

He put his arm around her shoulders. “You still wanna go for that walk?”

*****

Remus had spent the last ten minutes glaring at Mary from his spot on the window. She was playing chess with Emily, both seated on the floor, smiling and laughing.

He had already smoked two cigarettes when Mary looked up and noticed his eyes on her. She waved. He waved back, got up and walked towards her.

“Hi, Remus.” She was waiting for Emily to make a move. The girl greeted him too.

“Hi, who’s winning?” He asked casually. His hands in his pockets.

“Emily,” Mary sighed, “I’m getting tired, actually. I don't wanna play anymore.”

“Just because you’re losing.”

Mary ignored her.

“Uhm, Mary,” Remus swallowed, already regretting his life choices, “can I- uhm,, I have a joint, you wanna smoke it with me?”

She looked up immediately. “Anything that can get me away from this game.”

“Remus!” Emily complained.

“Sorry.”

Mary got up while Emily kept complaining, she and Remus smiled apologetically at her.

“Can we go in your room?” Remus asked, Mary blushed.

“What?”

“I think mine is occupied.”

“So you don't want the others?”

“Nop. Only you.”

She smiled to herself. “Okay.”

The girls’ room was pretty. It was similar to his, just cleaner, and didn't smell of feet and farts. It was nice.

“Sorry for the mess,” there literally was none, “we weren't ready to have… you, here.”

He sat on the first bed he found near the door. Probably Marlene’s. Actually, he could see the girls’ personalities from their beds.

The piece of wall that belonged to Marlene was covered in little drawings that she probably did when she was bored, pen drawings of people and stylised objects. A small radio on her nightstand, a pile of books, her wand and a chocolate frog still untouched. Her pyjama folded and placed on top of her pillow. Red, like the Converses she usually wore and that she was probably wearing at the moment, since they weren't there.

Mary’s wall above her bed, the one between the window and Marlene’s one, the same position of Sirius’ one (while Marlene’s bed was James’ one in the boys’ bedroom) was full of pictures. Of her family, friends she had at home, her cat, flowers, skies. She had David Bowie and Joni Mitchell’s posters too. A yellow flower in a cup of water, near the window, and a candle on her nightstand. Her purple Vans now near her bed.

Lily’s cat was laying on the girl's bed, the one in Peter’s position, and was covering her pyjama with cat fur. The Potions’ book on her nightstand, along with a pair of glasses he had never seen her with, and a red hat she had started wearing when it was sunny outside. Posters of The Rolling Stones, Queen, The Beatles and David Bowie. A picture with her mum, one with Severus (ew), one with Marlene and Mary. Aladdin Sane and Hunky Dury records attached to the wall.

The fourth girl they shared the room with was a mystery. The only thing Remus knew about her was that she was called Maya, was a pureblood that hated having been sorted in Gryffindor and had only Slytherin friends. She disliked Mary and Lily, found Marlene OK, and was never in their room or even in the Common Room. Her bed wasn't that decorated, Remus didn't even look at it.

“I don’t have a joint.” Remus admitted, after he had looked around for a few minutes. He met Mary’s eyes.

“Oh.”

“I- I wanted to talk to you, actually.”

“Sure.”

He rubbed his eyes hard, biting his cheeks. “I’m sorry if you didn't want me to know, don’t get mad at Lily for telling me, I- I know your parents divorced?”

Mary's face fell a bit. Wasn't expecting that, probably. “Oh,” she said again, nodding, “Yeah, I mean, I’m not angry she told you. And, yeah, they divorced last year.”

“And, you're okay with it?”

She looked at him, thinking. “Did your parents-?”

“Yeah. This summer.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it probably isn’t. Is it?”

Remus smiled sadly. “No, not really.”

“I was angry at first,” Mary kept going, “I still am sometimes. I’m, you know, disappointed? I don't know why. I blamed my parents for it. My mum, more specifically, because she was the one who wanted the divorce. It sucks to see two persons you’ve always seen together, stop loving each other, right? I was mad for that reason, until I understood that they had stopped loving each other way before I realised it. It’s what they teach us, to learn what love is by looking at our parents. And if they don't love each other, how can we know what love is? I think, I learnt, that it’s better to leave someone, than pretending you love them. In these situations, truth hurts, lies don’t, but they’re still lies. Yeah? You get what I’m saying?”

“I’m trying to.” He nodded, he had just come back from his walk with Lily. Her words still ringing in his head.

“It’ll take you a while to understand that, but you will, eventually. You’ll never stop being angry, but you’ll start realising it’s just better this way.”

“Don’t you,” he looked at the floor, playing with his feet, “don’t you ever feel, like, betrayed?”

A little laugh escaped Mary’s lips. “Yeah, all the time.”

"And angry, you said."

"All the time. And sad, and... something that neither alcohol nor joints can fully erase." With that, Remus realised something that probably no one had realised about Mary in the last months. 

He kept looking at her. “And what do you do about all that anger, and this sadness? And, the betrayal.” The most important part.

She shrugged. “I just spend time with people who don't make me feel this way. You, guys. I try to think that, just because someone leaves you, it doesn't mean that everyone will. I’m scared, yes, but I’ll take the risk. Will you?”

He couldn't keep her eyes off her. At the beautiful young girl she was and the clever woman she was going to become. “I’ll try, yeah.”

“I know what you’re thinking. I don't know which of your parents you feel most betrayed by, or whether by both of them, and I know you feel like you’re not loved or worth. But you are. One person’s actions won’t determinate others’s. It’s difficult to understand at first, but I made it and you can too. I know I have you guys, and I know you won’t leave me. I trust you, even if I stopped trusting my parents, I still trust you. I’m not giving up just because someone I cared about gave up on me.”

Remus breathed, his head nodding lightly. He looked at Mary, who smiled at him. He couldn't stop thinking, after Lily’s speech and Mary’s one, how lucky he was to have such friends. How much they deserved. How kind their hearts were. Remus realised that he loved them very much. He realised that he wanted to fight for them. He wanted to try. He wanted to do everything he could not to lose them.

“So, not everyone will leave?”

Mary smiled again. “No, not everyone,”

(How could they know, in that moment, that this fear of theirs was going to happen just a few years later? They couldn't know, they couldn't even imagine it. Maybe it’s better this way, at least, they’ve been able to live the best years of their life, to have friends, lovers, to make beautiful memories. Beautiful, painful memories. They couldn't know back then that their beloved friends were going to live only in these memories. But they did everything to make them live forever. Happy and together. Mary and Remus liked to remember their friends like this.)

“Okay.” Remus just said, looking at his hands. “I think I get it.”

“Good.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m glad you’ve talked with me,” Mary said, getting up, smiling, “I hope it’ll be a little easier now. But if it isn’t, remember that we’re here, yeah? We love you.”

“Yeah, and I’m glad you do. Really thankful.”

“No need to be.”

“Thank you, Mary.” He said again, getting up. “You’re a very strong person, you know that?”

She smiled. “I like to think that, yeah.”

He reached out and kissed her forehead. “I won’t leave you, okay?”

Mary nodded, “And I won’t leave you either.”

“Never.”

(That, that was the truth.)

*****

Remus didn’t go down for dinner that night. He took the opportunity to take a long shower while the others weren’t there, think, reorganise his ideas. He let his hair dry by itself, put his pyjama on, sat down on his bed and looked at their room.

Like the girls’ one, he could see their personality from their beds.

James’ one was unmade, his pyjama thrown somewhere near the end of the bed. A pair of socks lay on the floor near his nightstand, who was actually empty, just his golden snitch on it. Over his bed frame there were two posters about Quidditch: players that Remus didn’t know. A few of Sirius’s drawings: on one there was the two of them, on the other the four of them all together. A picture with his parents. One of him with Peter, both very little, five or six years old maybe. Remus found it really cute, but had never admitted it. His Gryffindor’s scarf hanging near one of the players’ face.

Sirius’ bed was made, but his clothes were still thrown over it so casually and so messily. He had two David Bowie’s posters hanging over his bed, no pictures, a few drawings, some paintings too. He had two white canvases near his nightstand, a cup with paintbrushes on top of it and a chocolate frog in his bed side table. His Runes’ book open and a piece of paper near it. He had a Quidditch poster too, Remus didn’t understand why.

Peter’ side of the room was the messiest one. Clothes he had to wash on the floor, at least five pairs of dirty socks thrown around, his pyjama laying on the window, like there wasn’t enough space for it in the bed. A few photos of him and James, one with Marlene too, one on his first day of school at the Platform 9 ¾. Pictures of everything, actually. The sky, shoes, flowers, brown leaves laying on the green grass. His nightstand, for contrast, was empty.

Remus was looking at his unmade bed, his books on his nightstand, his few posters on the wall, Queen and Bowie, his black boots on the floor. He was looking at them when the Marauders opened the door and came in.

They stopped talking and looked at him. He got up, his hands along his sides. “Hi.”

“Hi.” James said, the others followed behind him.

“Everything fine?” Remus asked, looking at the floor, a bit uncomfortable.

“Yeah, you? You feel bad? You didn't come down for dinner.”

“I was clearing my mind.” James nodded. Sirius was pretending he wasn't even there. Peter was folding his pyjamas. Remus breathed. “I’ve talked with Lily and Mary earlier.” He added, trying to find the words. James nodded again. “Listen, can you pay attention to me for a second?”

They all looked up, Remus took a deep deep breath. He could feel everyone's heart, but chose to listen to his. “I’m sorry. I’m an asshole, I know. But I’m sorry. I’m… trying.”

He tried to stop moving his hands and his legs, his eyes fixed on the floor. “I got scared when I cried in front of you, I didn't want you to see me like this. I didn't want to breakdown like this, not in front of you, not in front of myself. I haven't let myself… you know, for the whole year. I didn't know how to react after my parents’ divorce. I didn't want emotions to hit me that much, yeah? I am sorry. I have to apologise to you, and I also have to thank you, for being here. I know I don’t talk about things, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be better. I don’t wanna… give up on you.”

They stared at him in silence. Their hearts beating and beating, Remus’ one was about to explode. And they kept saying nothing. He looked at them helpless, scared, realising—finally—how afraid he was of losing them.

Whispering, he added: “I thought about something you might like, for the map. Can you forgive me, please?”

James was the first one to laugh. Sirius smiled a bit, Peter just hugged him. Remus breathed in his hair, a small breath of relief escaping his lips.

“You’re an asshole.” Peter told him.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Come here, fucker.” James hugged him too. Remus smiled, he looked at Sirius, who smiled back at him. The two of them didn't hug, but it was nice like that. It was normal. Everything was normal. It felt nice.

“Why talking with Mary and Lily made you realise you are a piece of shit?” Sirius asked instead, the other two boys still enveloping him.

Remus shrugged, they broke away. “It’s the girls, right? They're smarter than us. Make you understand things you thought you wouldn't understand.”

“Right.”

“Did Lily tell you that she and Liam broke up?” James asked, Remus rolled his eyes.

“Yeah. You’re still with Emily, aren't you?”

“Of course. This has nothing to do with Lily. I told you.”

Remus knew James Potter. He was passionate and sincere. 

“Anyway,” Remus added again, “about what I said earlier, it's the truth. I- It’s not like from now on I’ll be open about everything, but I’ll try not to shut myself in and leave you out, yeah? It’s still hard for me to ask for help, but I’ll try. I’ll be better.”

“Okay, Moony.” James nodded, his hand on Remus’ shoulders. “And we’ll help you do it, yeah? Marauders together.”

“That’s what the Marauders are here for,” Peter agreed. “To help each other. And to create the best Marauder’s map. So, what have you thought about, Moony?”

Remus smirked. Sirius got closer, ready to listen to his idea as well. “Who has the map?”

Sirius took the piece of paper from his nightstand and handed it to Remus, their fingers brushed for a second, but only Sirius noticed it.

“Okay, so we’re the owners, right?” The others nodded, Remus nodded too. “Like, this map is ours, yeah?”

“Yeah…” James dared to say, looking at Sirius and Peter confused.

“I’m not following you, Moony.” Peter rubbed the back of his neck.

Remus shushed him. “Since we’re the owners, we can do something others can’t.”

“Go on.” Sirius said.

“Sirius,” Remus met his eyes, “you wanna know where your brother is now?”

“Not really-“

“Whatever.” Remus whispered something under his breath, then said: “Regulus Black.”

Moving dots appeared in the Slytherin Common Room, the name ‘Regulus Black’ over them. The Marauders looked at it closely. Sirius even took the map and glared at it for a minute.

“How- How can you know? Is that true, that my brother’s in the Slytherin Common Room?”

“Well, let's see.” Remus took the map back and said James’ name. Dots appeared in their room, they all gasped.

“How did you do it?!” James screamed.

Remus giggled. “It’s just a spell. The Homonculous Charm. Us four can see where other people are if we say their name, the map will show us. We’re the only ones who can see it. We’re the owners.”

“Oh my God, this is fucking genius!” Peter said, taking the map and pronouncing Marlene’s name. Her dots appeared in the Great Hall. “Oh my God.”

“This really is genius, Moony.” James added, messing up Remus’ hair. “Fucking genius.”

Remus just smiled, while the others kept saying people's names to the map.

*****

“Oh God, I’m imagining how much better our pranks will be now that we can see where everyone is in the map.” Sirius said, the day after, while Remus and him were heading to lunch. He looked around. “It’s brilliant, this one. How do you get these ideas?”

“Some people have bigger brains than others.”

“Oh, so your brain’s bigger than, like, mine?”

“Pretty much.”

“It’s more heavy too?”

Remus tried not to smile. “A bit, but it’s fine.”

“Hey,” Sirius looked down, “uhm, are you going to help me in Runes later? Or…?”

“Yeah. Sorry if Lily had to help you. I- Yeah, I’ll help you.”

“Good.” Sirius kept looking down, embarrassed. “You’re a better tutor than her, she made me scared.”

Remus almost wanted to smile. “And I don’t?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. For some reason, Remus felt his heart beat faster. “Idiot.”

“You’re not answering my question.”

“Not going to.”

“Alright.” Remus stopped, his eyes caught Viola talking with Dorcas. She had a few books under her arms, her shoulder laying against the wall, her blond hair behind her ears. She was beautiful, like always.

Sirius stopped too, followed Remus’ gaze.

“Oh.”

“Sorry.” Remus shook his head, “You were saying?”

“I wasn't saying anything. Do you have to go to her?”

“I’ll talk to her later, it’s fine.” He kept looking at her. In that moment, she moved her hair behind her shoulders, something she always did. Remus smiled unconsciously. Sirius had to look away.

“Talk to her now, it’s obvious you want to.”

“I’m scared.” Remus said, his eyes not leaving her.

Sirius looked up. “Why? What do you have to tell her?”

Remus met his eyes, hoping he would get the point. “A few things.”

“Alright. Well, if you’re scared, better do it soon, yeah?”

“I could say the same thing to you. About the Quidditch thing. Have you talked to James?”

Sirius closed his eyes. “No.”

“Sirius.”

“I’ll talk to him. Now, you talk with Viola. Bye. Good luck, whatever it is.”

Remus turned to Viola again. He took a deep breath. “Thanks.”

It felt so strange, now, doing something that had always felt so normal. Talking with Viola. Even when he had difficulties talking with the Marauders, or Lily, or Mary, it was always different with Viola. Always easier.

Ten minutes later he and Viola were in her room. She said she wasn't hungry and led him to the Ravenclaw tower. Remus was a bit hungry, but that was most important. His friends were going to bring him something up to eat later anyway.

“Hi,” she said, leaving a kiss on his cheek, “it’s good to see you. It’s been a while.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“No worries, I know you have those moments where you want to stay alone. I was a bit worried, your friends were too. How do you feel now?”

He sat on her bed, she sat next to him. Remus took her hand in his. “I’m a bit better. I wanted to talk to you, explain a few things.”

She nodded, “Okay.”

“Like you said, sometimes I need to be alone, yeah?” He squeezed her hand, holding it close to his chest. “I- I didn't tell anyone, but I think it’s time now. I told the others too. I want to tell you too. My parents divorced last year. I didn't take it well. This year, I’ve been acting… different. Than last years, I mean. It just hit me harder than I expected. You know?”

“I’m sorry about it.” Viola said, squeezing his hand back. “And I’m sorry I couldn't be by your side earlier. It was hard to go through it alone, wasn't it?”

He kissed the back of her hand and held it against his cheek now. “I was convincing myself that it wasn’t. I just let it out of my mind, yeah? I just- I pretended I was someone else, someone stronger, someone who didn't care about it. But I do care, and it hurts me. Some times more than others.”

“I can only imagine what it’s like, I’m sorry. I can say, though, that I think that you’re really strong, Remus. And it’s totally normal if it hurts you, it doesn't mean you're less strong.”

“No, but-” He wanted to let go of her hand, but he didn’t, he held it still against his skin, under his chin. “I feel so fucked up, because… my dad cheated on my mum, and I knew. I-“ (He then remembered that he couldn't tell Viola the truth of how he had found out) “I caught him and this other woman. But I didn't tell my mum, you know? She’s found out now. I just fell so bad that I didn't tell her first. I knew. It’s what hurts me the most, it is.”

“Remus,” she said, bringing back his attention, “breath, now.”

He realised he was holding his breath. He closed his eyes. Then, Viola hugged him, let him hide against her. She always did. When he started talking about something, he wanted to hide, disappear, and she let him. That was what he liked the most about her. She understood. That was why it was so hard. It was so hard saying what he wanted to say. He needed to say.

“Viola,” he closed his eyes against her shoulder, “I- I can’t do that. It’s not easy for me to admit that to myself either, but this is not the right moment for me to be with you. To be with anyone. I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m sorry for a lot of things. I like you a lot, a lot, really. I’ve never liked anyone, you’re the first person I feel something for. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. I can’t do that anymore.”

He was about to get up, storm out of the room, run away. But Viola put her hand on his shoulder. “Remus, calm down.”

“No, I can’t calm down. I feel like shit. I feel bad for a lot of things. But that’s the problem, I’m not… I’m not it, right now. I realised that I can’t be. I can’t be what you deserve. It’s not your fault, really, it’s not.”

“It’s not your fault either.” She just said.

“Isn’t it? I do think it is. I think it is when I still want to hide from everyone and close to myself. But I’m trying. And I know that I have to let you go. I do like you, seriously. I like spending time with you. I love your way of thinking, and saying things. I adore everything you do, how your hair falls in your face, how you touch me. I really like you. The problem is, I can't love you right now. I feel like I can’t love. I can’t, not yet.”

“Remus,” she said again, her fingers brushed softly against Remus’ neck, “breath, now.”

“I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”

He hugged her closer to his body. “I don’t want you to. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Remus.” She obliged him to look up, her hands on the sides of his face. Their eyes so close, their breaths too. “I get what you’re saying. I do. And I want to thank you for telling me. I’m not going to change the opinion I have of you because for one time you’re putting yourself first. I’m damn proud of you, if you ask me.”

“Why are you proud of me?” He whispered. He loved how her hands held his face.

Viola smiled softly. “Because even if it’s hard, you’re being honest with yourself. You- You’re listening to your emotions. Not someone else’s emotions. Yours. You’re starting to live your own life, you are.”

“You’re happy I’m starting to live my own life without you?” He couldn't look at her. It hurt too much. To lose her, it hurt his heart so much.

“You know I like you, a lot,” she kept going, “I think you are amazing. You’re smart, and funny, and nice. You make spending time with you special, you make everyone feel comfortable when they’re with you. Listen to me.” He tried to get away from her, but she kept him in place. “But I also think that you’ve lost yourself a bit, haven't you? If you want me to, I’ll be by your side, but I think you have to find your way again.”

“I don’t wanna lose you.” Remus whispered, his eyes tracing all her features.

“You won’t lose me.”

“How can you say that? If we break up, if we… If we-“

“Hey," she brushed her thumbs against his cheeks, under his eyes. “We could, maybe… Now, listen to me. Listen to what I’m saying, yeah? I’m here. I care about you, I want to be by your side when you need me. I think, Remus-” she looked down at him, smiled softly. Remus closed his eyes, feeling their hot skins touching, rubbed his cheek against her hand. “I think it’s nice spending time together, isn't it?”

“Yes.”

“So, why would we stop spending time with each other? Okay, listen,” she kept brushing his cheek with her finger, “why don’t we do what we like the most?”

“What do you mean?” He opened his eyes to find her blond hair and green eyes, no red lipstick on her lips. Just her. Calm, peaceful, her skin touched by the sun, right under her eyes. A slice of light covered her face like Remus’ scar covered his. And they matched each other.

“We break up, yeah? So, we’re not in a relationship anymore. But, if we want to be together, we look for each other. If we want to lay down here in my bed after a long day, and talk, or just read together, share the room, share some thoughts, then we do it. Okay?”

He kept looking at her. “We can?”

Viola smiled. Remus rested his head on her shoulder, their arms enveloping the other’s body. They looked at the ceiling.

“Yeah, we can.”

“So, if I want to tell you something stupid I found out in a book, I can?”

She smiled again. “Of course you can.”

“And, if I want us to lay down here? If I want you to hold me?”

“I’ll hold you, then.”

“And,” he breathed, “If you want to go with other people?”

She rubbed his head with her chin. “I will. You- You want me to wait for you?”

He thought about it. "I would never ask you to do that."

She sighed. "I- You get it, right?"

Remus did. He understood. “Yeah, I get it.”

“You too. If you like someone, you can go with them. Of course you can.”

“I don’t think I’ll want to.”

“You could. And it’s fine, really.”

“I don’t know.”

"You don’t have to.”

Remus took a deep breath. “Okay.”

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, Viola’s fingers on his skin. Remus listened to their breaths, felt hers above his head.

“Thank you." He said, then: "I'm sorry."

She said nothing. She understood. He knew she did.

Remus stayed there another hour, then eventually got up. For some reason, he wanted to kiss her one last time. He took her chin between his two fingers and left a kiss there. He felt her breath.

"You wanna stay here a little longer?" Viola asked.

Remus was about to say yes, but he smiled, and shook his head. "I have to help Sirius in Runes."

*****

Remus came out of Viola’s room feeling a little lighter. Feeling a bit weird. Sad for their break up, happy to have met someone like Viola.

He was aware that he couldn’t be in a relationship right now. He was, really. It was weird that he was aware of it. He started to think that others understood him more than he did. Viola seemed to understand, the Marauders too, and Lily, Mary. Even when he didn’t, they did.

He wandered around, his hands in his pockets. It was the early afternoon of a Saturday. Remus decided to go to the Owlery to see if his mum had sent him something. Remus had written to her almost everyday, hoping she was okay. She had answered a few days before, saying she was staying at one of her friends’ house for a bit, she needed to be alone and breath some new air. 

There was no letters when he went upstairs, but he still took the chance to send her another one, just telling her that he was fine and he hoped she was too.

On the way to his dorm room, he heard James’ voice near him. He headed towards the corridor of the Hall of Curses, and there he found him, smiling, while Severus’s body was levitating next to him.

“Moony!” James smiled in his direction, “Look what I learned to do.”

“Let me go, prick. Fuck off, Potter.” Severus complained, kicking his legs. “Let me go!”

“C’mon Snivellus, we’re just having a bit of fun.”

“No one’s having fun.”

“I am.” Remus said, getting closer to James and looking up at Severus. “This’s really funny, actually.”

“Tell him, Moony.”

“Don’t you fucking talk, Lupin.”

“Or what, Snivellus?” James smirked, “What are you going to do if he talks? I bet he’s the only one who knows how to put you down.”

Remus smiled at James, but before he could say anything else, he heard McGonagall’s steps reaching their corridor.

“McGonagall’s coming this way.” He told James, without thinking.

James didn't think either. “Crap. We have to go, c’mon.”

The two of them ran away, while Severus kept screaming after them. They knew that he was going to tell McGonagall that it was them, but still ran. They stopped just two floors under, laughing like mad men.

“When did you learn how to levitate people?!” Remus asked, his hands over his hip, it hurt a bit now, after the run.

"Why that tone of surprise? You're underestimating me, Moony?"

Remus smiled. "Never."

“Good boy. I learned it a few days ago while Peter and I were looking for… er, for an information we needed for an essay.” James cleared his throat, looking down at Remus’ hip. “You good, mate?”

“Yeah,” Remus caught his breath, “It always hurts after the full moons. It’s where I have the bite.”

“Oh.” James adjusted his glasses, “right. And, beside your hip, you good? Like, in general.” He asked carefully, still holding his glasses in place. Remus straightened his back and stretched it a bit.

“Yeah,” he breathed, “I just sent a letter to my mum. I hope she’s a bit better now. I doubt it, though.”

“It’s shit, mate. I’m sorry.”

Remus shook his head. “It’s gonna be fine. Eventually.”

James nodded. “Yeah, it will. I’m glad you think that.”

“I’m trying to see it this way.”

“Well, I’m glad you are.”

Remus met his eyes, “Yeah, me too.”

“Peter brought you something up from lunch, if you wanna eat something. There’s a few things in our room.”

“Cheers.”

They headed for their room, shoulder to shoulder, Remus still trying to catch his breath. He hadn't realised, and neither had James, that it wasn't normal to hear someone’s steps from across the room and know whose steps they were and that they were coming their way. Of course, for the Marauders it was, since they knew that Remus was a werewolf. But for Severus, it wasn’t normal. It definitely wasn’t.

Chapter Text

SIRIUS

You might wonder why I stay here. Why I’m still in that prison if I’m innocent. Every day I spend here is worse than death.

My memories seem to be fading away more and more every day. My memories of James’ face, my best friend’s face, are starting to leave an empty place in my mind. The only clear picture I have of him is his dead body on the floor, that night.

Mary has disappeared a while ago. I can’t see her face. Lily’s blurry. I see her with James, smiling at him, smiling at their son, then she’s gone.

Marlene’s still here a bit. I can still see her face almost clearly. Almost, even if she was the first who died.

And his, his face. My Moon. I can’t call him mine anymore, I think, but his face is the most clear. It was one of the last alive faces I saw that night. He was beautiful, he was still my boy, my everything. The bright moon, in a sky where the stars don’t dare to shine just to see him. He was alive, mine, happy, and in love with me.

Before I decided to leave him there, in our bed, sleeping peacefully, while I went to ruin everyone’s life. And here I am, paying for it.

The Lovers; Magritte (1928)

*****

It seemed like Remus and Viola had broken up. Remus told them the same night, after his tutoring session with Sirius.

“So you’re not broken or sad or ripping your hair off?” Peter asked. He was laying in Remus’ bed, with the boy seated next to him, twisting his own curly hair around his finger.

Remus looked down at him. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah? You sure?”

“Viola understood. She knows I still care about her, and she knows I still have feelings for her. It’s just not the right moment.”

“Why did you guys break up if you still like each other?” James asked, sitting on the window with his legs to his chest. He and Remus had received a detention earlier from McGonagall, they had to go in her office in twenty minutes.

“Because I’m not, you know,” Remus started saying, his gaze on the floor, “I’m just not the best version of myself at the moment.”

He let the sentence linger in the air, between them, in the silence. Sirius looked at him. Remus was staring at the floor, his face relaxed, his eyes a bit sad. Sirius kind of wanted to touch him. Just put his hand on his shoulder, just leave it here. He didn't know why he had these thoughts.

It was different, now. After Remus’ breakdown with the Marauders, Sirius was even more ashamed of his thoughts. He didn't despise him anymore, that was for sure, but it was strange. Because he did like him now. He did feel sympathy for him. When he had seen him crying, something had moved inside of Sirius. This feeling of wanting to hold him. No, not really hold him, just touch, just feel Remus’ skin under his. It was the first time he had ever felt that for Remus, and he considered it the beginning of his affection for him. It was time, yes. He felt affection for James, obviously, and Peter, and his brother, the girls too. Now, he felt it for Remus too.

As a friend, of course.

Peter was the first to speak. “We love you anyway, Moony.”

Sirius came back to reality.

Remus smiled sadly to the floor, said nothing. Then he looked up at James. Sirius kind of wished he had looked up at him.

“James, what time is it? We have to go soon.”

“Yep.” James jumped down the window and cleaned his glasses lenses on his shirt. “Let’s go.”

“McGonagall’s a bitch for giving you a detention on Saturday.” Peter complained to the ceiling, still laying on Remus’ bed.

“We only have to clean this floor and the upper one, thank God. It shouldn't be that much.”

“How many points did you make us lose?” Sirius asked, getting up too.

Remus laced up his black boots. God, Sirius loved these boots. “Ten each.”

“Moony will gain them back by answering right questions in class, it’s all fine.” James patted Remus’ shoulder. “C’mon, we can’t be late.”

“Pete,” Sirius talked to the boy, “should we look for the girls?”

“Yep.”

The four of them headed downstairs together. Sirius for last, behind Remus, still looking at his boots.

Lily, Mary and Marlene were sitting in front of the fireplace. Marlene was laying on the couch, with her feet over Lily’s legs. Mary seated right next to the redhead. The two of them were looking at a small camera in Mary’s hands.

When they heard the boys approaching, the two of them locked up, Marlene opened just an eye.

“Hi.” Mary greeted them, then went back to her camera. Lily sent Remus a flying kiss, then followed Mary's movements.

Remus and James disappeared right after. Sirius leaned behind Mary and Lily.

“Oh my God. Is that a polaroid camera?!” Peter hurried over Mary’s shoulder, pushing Sirius aside. Sirius let him, uninterested in the little thing they were looking at. He went to sit in the empty armchair next to Marlene and closed his eyes, his head abandoned against the backrest.

“Yes!” He heard Mary say, “My dad sent it to me! He said he found it in a second hand shop and bought it, he thought I would like it.”

“It’s amazing!” Peter said, “I’ve always wanted one.”

From the number of pictures he had on the wall above his bed, Peter seemed to be a photography lover. Sirius had never asked him about it, though.

“My cousin has one,” the small boy kept saying, “I always take pictures when I’m home and she lets me borrow it. You wanna see some?”

“You mean the ones you have on the wall of your room?” Mary asked.

Peter nodded. “Yeah, these too. I have more, though.”

“Let’s go see them.” Lily said, Mary seemed to like the idea too.

“Sure.” Peter nodded, then he spoke to Sirius and Marlene. “We’ll be back soon.”

Neither Sirius nor Marlene opened their eyes when they heard him. Sirius gave Peter a thumb up, his hands behind his head.

“What did James and Remus do?” Marlene asked, Sirius opened his eyes and saw her sitting on the couch, looking at him. Elbows resting on her knees, chin on her hands.

“What?”

“Why are they in detention on a Saturday night, I mean.”

“Oh, they did something to Snape, apparently. The usual. I wish I was there to see.”

Marlene shook her head, a little smile on her lips. “You'll never leave the poor boy alone, will you?”

“Never.” He smiled back.

“At least James can play tomorrow, can he?”

“I think so, yeah.” Sirius had actually forgotten about the game. He sighed, covering his face with his hands. “I forgot about it.”

“You’re not putting much effort into it, are you?”

Sirius looked up at her. “What?”

“Quidditch.”

“What?” He asked again, wanting her to be more clear. Direct.

“I mean, you’re not dying for it like James is, are you?”

“Why do you say that?”

“It’s not true?” She asked, leaning back against the couch, not letting go of her hold on his eyes.

“Of course, it’s not true.” Sirius gave her a frown in response, “I love Quidditch.”

“Never said you didn't like it. Just that you don't seem really into it. You can have other thoughts in your mind, it can happen. Didn’t mean to offend your Quidditch passion.” Marlene said it with an ironical tone, or at least that was what Sirius had perceived. He ignored it, though, and thought of something to change the subject.

“You’ve heard that Remus and Viola broke up?” Which, she probably hadn’t, since it had only been a few hours.

“No, what happened?”

“Don’t know, but they’re still friends.”

“Thank God. I love Viola. Remus too. I wouldn't have liked to choose between them.”

“Between Remus and Viola, you would have chosen Viola?” Sirius asked, a bit offended, really. They knew Remus since first year, he was their friends. Sirius liked Viola, kind of, but who was she? Over Remus, their best friend, who was she?

“No, I said I didn't want to choose.” Marlene defended herself, “I love them both.”

“Right.”

“So, when did they break up?”

Sirius regretted having mentioned it. Surely Remus didn't want them to gossip about his life. Which, they loved to do.

But Remus didn't like it. Not at all.

“A few hours ago. Fresh news. Forget about it, yeah? Pretend I’ve never told you anything, yeah?”

She nodded and waved her hand. “Yeah, yeah. It’s fine. Everyone’s breaking up lately, have you noticed it?”

“Everyone but us.”

“Yeah, because we weren't even in a relationship.”

“Shh, Marlene. No need to bring that up.” Sirius waved his hand too and Marlene laughed, nodding.

“You do like someone, though,” she said, “that’s what’s distracting you from Quidditch. It can’t be school, I won’t believe it.”

“I do not like anyone.” He said readily, wrinkling his eyebrows. “Do you like someone?”

“No. And I’m focused in Quidditch.”

He rolled his eyes, leaning back again and sighing. “Again with this Quidditch thing.”

“I do not want to loose tomorrow morning.” She said, seriously. So serious that Sirius almost swallowed.

“We’re playing against my brother, of course we won't loose.”

“Good.”

Sirius tried not to look at her. His hands on his knees, his lips pressing down against the other.

He first sang a few lines of Killer Queen under his breath, then looked at Marlene, who was looking at her feet. He thinned his eyes. “You’re the only one who thinks that?”

She looked up. “What?”

“That I’m not focused in Quidditch. Does James think that too?”

“No, James doesn’t. But a few of the other players do. They once talked about it when you were missing, but James defended you immediately, don’t worry. He knows you care about it.”

“Yeah, right,” Sirius nodded slowly, moving his head along Killer Queen melody's once again. He looked at Marlene out of the corner of his eye. Then coughed. “James really cares about me playing, doesn't he?”

“Yeah. I mean, I think so.”

“Right.”

“He won't die if you wanna quit, though. If that’s what you're thinking.”

Sirius looked at her for a moment, she met his eyes from the side, and said nothing else. He wanted to tell her something like ‘of course I don’t want to quit’ ‘I love Quidditch’, but he didn’t. He kept looking at her.

“How do you know?” He asked instead, his hands pressing down on his knees.

She simply shrugged, “I just am an observer, I think.” Like it was that easy.

“Thank fuck. That’s not an answer.”

“Oi. Maybe it’s because you try to skip at least one practice a week? Fucker.”

Sirius saw Peter, Mary and Lily coming down the stairs. He got closer and shook Marlene's arm. “Okay. What do I have to do?”

“About what?!”

“Quidditch!”

“How do I know?”

“Quick! The others are coming.”

“You know what you should do.”

“Marlene-“

“You guys should see Peter’s pictures,” Mary said behind Marlene, smiling down at them, “they’re amazing.”

“There’s also a few with you, Marlene. As a baby.” Lily added, hopping down next to her.

Marlene smiled, “Oh, yeah. Pete, James and I were best friends when we were little, you know?”

“We’re not anymore?” Peter asked, smiling to himself, his cheeks red for some unknown reason. Sirius began doubting that they hadn’t just looked at pictures in that room, but had had an orgy or something.

“Of course we are.” Marlene replied, “We have more friends now, though.”

“Peter told us that Remus and Viola broke up.” Mary said, sitting on the armrest of Sirius’ armchair.

“Peter!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Oh Sirius, don’t act like you didn’t just tell me too!” Marlene said, Sirius met her eyes.

“Sirius!” Peter exclaimed back.

“What?!”

“You’re both terrible.” Lily said, shaking her head. But smiling.

“Why did they break up?” Mary asked, slapping Sirius’s hand away. He looked up at her and immediately removed the hand he had previously let rest on the armrest from under Mary's leg.

“Their business.” Lily said.

“Oh, c’mon!” Mary complained. Sirius hid his hand under his legs, suddenly feeling weird. Peter smirked at him. What was there to smirk about? Touching Mary’s leg by accident?!

“Let’s not talk about Remus when he’s not here, yeah? You know he doesn't like it.” Lily said again, and everyone seemed to agree, falling in a loud silence.

“Well,” Marlene got up and stretched her back, “I’m going to bed.” She glanced over at Sirius for a second. “We have a game tomorrow.”

*****

Sirius squinted his eyes. He was trying to concentrate, to focus. To just see. The fog was blurring his sight and the small raindrops felt cold touching his skin. His face was wet, his lips agape, his hands pressing tight around the bat. Flying felt normal, at least he could say that, but concentrate for more than two minutes was impossible. It really was.

Marlene didn't seem to see the snitch, and Regulus didn't either. Sirius was praying, praying, that one of them could find it in the next five minutes. Ten, maximum. He knew he wasn't doing a good job, he was basically letting the other beater do all the job, but he was fucking trying. Kind of.

James kept looking at him when he could, giving him glances, not saying anything. Of course, he couldn't stop the game. But he seemed worried. Marlene was too. She kept rising her eyebrows at him and gesturing with her head for him to move.

He just ran around. Tried to hit a few balls. When the thought that everyone was looking at him, and that he was failing, passed through his mind, it made him breath a bit faster.

Marlene flew next to him and stopped for a second. “Sirius. What the hell are you doing?!”

“I can’t!”

“Try!” Marlene’s eyes widened before she flew away, looking for the golden snitch. Sirius breathed.

He started flying, looking around, suddenly a few eyes were looking at him confused. Suddenly a lot of people were arching their eyebrows at him. Suddenly everyone was whispering with their friends about him.

He looked around, feeling everyone’s eyes on him. He tried to hit one ball, one fucking ball, and missed it. He puffed, focusing on the game. Looked for his brother, or Marlene, hoping to see one of them near the golden snitch.

Could he just pass out? And pretend that he wasn't feeling well the whole game.

Everything is fine, it was just a bad day. He could say that. Yes.

Could Remus just do something to make him fall off the broomstick? Could he, for fuck’s sake?

Sirius glared around, looking for Remus in the bleachers. He met his eyes not too far from where he was flying. Remus’ face was contorted in confusion, he raised his eyebrows at Sirius, who shook his head, in panic. Peter saw him too and he asked Remus something. Sirius couldn't hear, nor read their lips, he just wanted Remus to look at him.

Finally, the boy turned to Sirius again. He looked around quickly, mouthed a ‘sorry’, then said something that Sirius recognised as a ‘Tarantallegra’, the Dancing Feet Spell. Sirius’ eyes widened and he whispered a: “Fucking asshole, Lupin”, sure that Remus could hear it. Before his legs started moving by themselves.

“Fucking asshole.” He said again when the girl who was commenting the game drew everyone’s attention on him.

“It seems like Sirius Black, one of the Gryffindor beaters, can’t wait the end of the game to dance!” Everyone laughed. “Someone probably casted him a spell, who was it? Can I shake your hand?” Another round of laughter. “Just kidding, Black. Professor McGonagall will make you stop dancing in a second, alright? Or you wanna keep dancing?”

Sirius turned to Remus and mouthed once another ‘fuck off’. Remus was trying not to laugh. Sirius didn't know why, but he smiled too.

Before McGonagall could cast the spell to make him stop, he started darting around. His eyes widened. Everyone gasped, someone laughed again. The commentator let out a: ‘What a twist of events!” That made everyone laugh even more.

“Remus Lupin, you’re fucking dead.”

Sirius pressed his hands hard around the broomstick, trying not to fall, while McGonagall tried to cast some spell on him but couldn't catch him. When Dumbledore’s charm finally hit him, it took Regulus a minute to find the golden snitch. The game was over. Sirius could finally came off his broom.

The Slytherin players all went to hug Regulus, who had made them win. Sirius flew toward the ground, James next to him, his face annoyed.

“Crap,” he said, “Marlene was about to catch it too, we could have won if she did.”

“Ex-fucking-cuse me,” Marlene landed next to them, “it’s my fault now? Sirius sucked the whole game and no one’s telling him anything. I played well the whole game and for a matter of seconds it’s my fault we lost?”

James stepped back. “I didn't mean that.”

“Fuck off. And you,” she turned to Sirius, “grow a pear and do what you have to do. Remus can't save you every game.” She stormed off towards the changing room. Sirius’ eyes followed her.

“Don’t mind her,” James told him, “she’s just angry we lost. What about you, you feel good? You didn't seem too much into it today…”

Sirius was about to tell him the truth, that he didn't want to play anymore, that he hated that damn game, that he couldn't even tolerate another play. He was about to tell him everything. But he didn’t. He just smiled tiredly.

“Yeah, I just have an headache. That’s why I wasn't concentrated.”

*****

“You’re telling me I got a detention for you and you didn't even speak to James about leaving the team?” Remus asked the day after, while they were in their room doing their Runes homework.

Sirius shrugged. “I didn't ask you to make fun of me in front of fucking everyone!”

“Ungrateful prick.”

“Oi.”

Sirius realised that he kind of wanted Remus to ask him what had happened during the game, why he had felt bad, but Remus didn’t. He never did. He never asked anything. Sirius kind of wanted him to, sometimes.

“Are we done?” He asked, looking at their papers. Remus just nodded, getting up and going to sit on the window. Of course, a cigarette was lit up a moment later.

“How many of these do you smoke a day?” Sirius got up too and stretched his back, looking at Remus out of the corner of his eye.

“Not enough.”

“Ha.”

“Can you put on some music?” Remus said, looking up at him, the cigarette between his lips, the smoke coming out slowly.

“Oh?”

“I wanna listen to Hunky Dory.”

“Right.” Sirius nodded, “Yeah, why not.”

He put the record on and sat next to Remus, who handed him his cigarette while Changes started playing. Surprisingly, Sirius took it and inhaled. He looked up when he heard Remus sang along with Bowie’s “cha-cha-changes”. Sirius kept glaring at him while he moved his head along the melody and sang, looking out of the window. He looked peaceful. Sirius hadn't seen him like that in a long time. Maybe ever. He looked at his profile, at his lips opening, his head moving, his fingers around his knee, squeezing it a little.

Sirius took a few puffs, looking at the boy in front of him. He found himself looking at his red lips, that kept singing. Sirius stared at them, never blinking, never leaving them. He forgot about his cigarette. He licked his lips. He only moved when Oh! You Pretty Things started and Remus asked: “Can you believe that this is one of the best albums ever?”

Sirius looked away quickly, clearing his throat. He coughed again. Red red lips. “Uhm, yeah. It’s amazing.”

“Oh! You pretty things. Don’t you know you're driving your Mamas and Papas insane?” Remus sang, he took his cigarette back from Sirius’ fingers. With it between his lips he added: “I love this one.”

“Me too.” Sirius agreed, smirking to himself, because in a way the lyrics could be describing him. Though, he added: “But my favourite is-“

“Life on Mars?” Remus said, smirking at the sky.

Sirius stared at him. “Yeah. Yours too?”

Remus nodded. “Yep.”

“Really?”

“Don’t remind me.” Remus turned to him and their eyes met, brown and blue shining from the sun’s light. “I hate being ordinary.”

Sirius wanted to laugh. Because if Remus Lupin was ordinary, what was everybody else? “How are you ordinary?”

“Life on Mars? is one of his most famous and loved song. Everyone’s favourite, you know?”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, “but we love it in a non ordinary way. We’re different.”

Remus smiled. “I like that.” And while Eight Line Poem started, he said: “Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.” He inhaled again, smiling. “It’s Victor Hugo.”

Always quoting writers and books, he always did it. And why was it so fucking attractive?!

“Oh, I know him.” Sirius nodded, “I’ve read Les Misérables when I was learning how to speak French. My mother made Regulus and I read it.”

“In French?”

“Yes. Obviously.” He nodded. “Tu devrais arrêter de me sous-estimer.”

Remus seemed impressed, and Sirius felt some kind of pride. He loved to amaze people. Especially Remus, for some reason. He smiled to himself when Remus’s eyes went outside the window again. It was hard to make Remus stunned, it was difficult to see him like this too. Serene. Sirius wanted to enjoy it.

He took enough courage to say: “You're not ordinary, by the way”, but when he started saying just ‘you’, Remus shushed him. He pointed at the record and: “Here, Life on Mars?” So he never said it.

Sirius got up to turn up the volume and Remus finished his cigarette, humming along. Sirius looked at him out of the corner of the eye. Serene. Pretty. He really was.

Remus wasn't singing aloud, he was singing to himself. But he seemed happy. He was looking at the sky, his legs moving a bit, his head following the tune. It was so hard not to look at him. It was. Sirius started feeling his stomach close. Squeeze. It felt like he couldn't feel his breath anymore for a moment.

Then Remus turned to him and smiled. Sirius smiled back. Just that. Or so he thought. When he blinked he realised that Remus wasn’t looking at him, he was still turned around, still singing like Sirius wasn't there. He had never smiled at him and probably never would.

Sirius was blushing.

He sat down next to Remus again and brought his legs up to his chest, his chin resting on his knees. He sang too. That was it. They sang, seated one next to the other, looking outside.

“You seem happy.” Sirius said, a few minutes after the song was over, still looking out. He saw Remus turning to him.

“Is that a bad thing?”

Sirius met his eyes. “No, of course not.”

Remus smiled. “I’m kidding.”

“Asshole.”

“I am. Today.” Remus added, “I’m happy, I think.”

“And sarcastic, it looks like.”

“Yeah, that too.”

“Who are you? Where’s the Remus I know?”

Remus looked out, smiling to himself. “He’s trying to be better.”

Sirius swallowed, unable to look away. Blushing again, he felt his stomach ache, ashamed of himself for some reason he didn't understand.

“You’ll tell James about the Quidditch thing,” Remus changed the subject, “yeah?”

Sirius bit the inside of his cheeks, looking at Remus’ neck. “Okay.”

“You will?”

“I will.” He nodded, repeating: “I will.”

“Please, do.”

Their eyes met for a second, Quicksand playing. Sirius nodded again. “I will, I don’t know when, though. Yeah?”

Remus nodded too, then got up, his hands on his sides. “I’ll go down and play the piano a bit. Wanna come?”

“Yep.” Sirius jumped down too. “You’re still playing before the full moons? To calm the wolf down?”

“Yeah, I think it’s working so far. This year's full moons have been good. I mean, better than other times.”

“But other than that, you like playing, yeah?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah. Of course I do. Why?”

Sirius looked around, thinning his eyes. “You think I should…” he cleared his throat, looking at his shoes, smiling sadly. “No, never mind.”

“What is it?”

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. “You know, well I don't know if you know, but I used to love drawing, yeah? I don’t know why, but I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m not good at it, yes, but I also don’t feel motivated, you know? Regulus told me to start painting instead, and I think I like it better, it’s more free. It feels more mine. I don’t know. I- You think I could join the Art class? I saw that there’s one. I found out that Dorcas attends it, and I thought… yeah, maybe I could try too? I think that’s what I like doing, so…”

Remus said nothing for a moment, just looked at him. After a few minutes of silence, Sirius added, rubbing the back of his neck again. “I- Regulus said, at the beginning of the year, that I didn't have a personality. Like, I didn't really know what I liked, you told me that too. I was angry at the time, but you two were right. I think, now, that I know what I like. I like painting. And I don't like Quidditch. I know that. I know what I wanna do.”

He felt good after that, his chest felt lighter, his mouth now empty. He had said what he wanted to say. He had said the truth. He felt like it was easy, now.

He wanted to take Remus’ hand in his.

Remus’ face didn't change expression, but his lips arched a bit. “I think you should do what makes you happy.” He just said, and for a moment Sirius thought that he had finished, but then hugged: “And, I think that you shouldn't ask me if you should join the Art class, you already know what you want to do, don't you? You talk like someone who knows what he wanna do, and I'm sure you do know." He paused. "I'm glad." He paused again, and was about to say something else, but didn't.

Sirius took enough courage to smile, and Remus almost smiled back.

Then they went downstairs and forgot that the record was still playing. David Bowie sang around the room, his “Fear is in your head, only in your head. So forget your head, and you'll be free” was dedicated to him, to Sirius. The boy who had wandered around, a bit lost, but that was now coming out of the rabbit hole.

*****

There was something that Sirius still had to knowledge. But we’ll get there soon.

The next two weeks passed pretty quickly, outside it was still cold, but the days were sunny and bright. Everyone was getting ready for the final exams. Everyone was reacting in different ways.

Remus wasn't really worried. He had already studied everything when he was busy ignoring everyone, even if the exams were three weeks away. Loser.

Lily and Peter weren't that worried either. They were doing their things, revising, finishing essays. Just being Lily and Peter.

James and Marlene were more interested in the Quidditch final match, sure they were going to do well in their exams.

Then there were Mary and Sirius. Mary was extremely worried, always studying till late, asking Remus for help, revising all the time, going crazy if you interrupted her. Sirius was worried too, but he was more discreet. Of course. He wasn't showing that he was, in fact, a bit worried. But some nights, under the closed curtains of his bed, he opened his books and revised. Far from others’ eyes. It was weird. He had never studied much, but now he kind of liked doing it. It was somehow entertaining.

The thing was, Remus was extremely calm. Sirius had never seen him like this. Especially during the days after a full moon. It had been a week now since the last full moon, but even in the days around it, he had been calm. He was handling his transformations well, yes, but the days before and after the moon were always a rollercoaster. Remus ate twice as much as usual, had mood swings all the time, was hyperactive, his body hitched everywhere. He read compulsively, his legs shook under the table, his fingers tapping on the surface in front of him. Sirius had noticed these things.

This time had been different. He was calm. Serene, again. Just limped a bit, but every time he caught someone’s eyes on him, he tried to walk normally, probably hurting, but pretending he wasn’t.

It was one of those nights when Sirius was revising in his bed, producing a small light from his wand. He was a bit tired, and it was difficult. Studying. He wasn't used to it. He had never studied in four years, he had always done good without trying. Now he wanted to try.

Remus was still downstairs, Sirius hadn't heard him came back. He thought about it for a few minutes before deciding to go downstairs too. He could just say that he couldn't sleep and had headed downstairs, if Remus asked him. Not that he had to justify himself.

He went downstairs in his pyjamas, which consisted of a grey t-shirt and a pair of baggy black trousers. He yawned, waiting to hear piano music coming up the stairs. But he didn’t. Sirius arrived in the Common Room in silence, Remus wasn't sitting in front of the piano. Sirius worried for a moment, looking around, wondering if Remus was wandering around the castle, maybe under James’ invisibility cloak.

But then he looked down at the couch, and here he was. Remus was lying there, sleeping, his mouth a bit open, his breath soft, his legs covered with the blanket, one of his arms falling from the couch’s side. Sirius looked down at him for a moment, his arms abandoned to his sides. His mouth closed, his lips pressing down against the other.

He stepped closer, breathing slowly. Still looking at him, he kneeled down, covering his mouth with his hand, then down to his neck, he let it rest on his sternum, the other one on the floor. He looked closer at Remus’ scar, then at his lips, then, when he realised that he was smiling to himself, he looked away. He blushed deeply, biting his lower lip.

Sirius closed his eyes and covered his forehead with his hand, feeling his heart beat faster. He wanted to throw up. He went to get up, but Remus unconsciously moved the hand he had on the floor and his fingers brushed Sirius’ ones. Sirius looked down immediately and withdrew his hand, touching his chest again. He got up and closed his eyes again, his hands closed in a fist and over his mouth.

His thought of covering Remus’ body with the blanket left his mind immediately. He basically ran away up the stairs till his room and breathed deeply, his back against the door. He looked up at the ceiling, his face hot, his breath fast, his hands trembling, before entering the room and sneaking up to his bed. Then he closed the curtains and forced himself to sleep. Get yourself together, Sirius. Fuck’s sake.

*****

The week before the exams was crazy. They started the second of June. Everyone was going crazy. Everyone. Now, even James and Marlene. And Peter and Lily. While Remus smoked all day, sometime took a book and revised, but it looked like he didn't give a damn. Sirius hated it.

Remus still spent a lot of time with Viola, Sirius had noticed. And he didn't understand. But he tried to ignore it. Didn't even know what he was trying to ignore, but still did.

He submitted his request to McGonagall to join the Art class in fifth year, and finally, finally decided to talk with James. A few days before their first exam, aware that he could cause him an heart attack, but Sirius couldn't wait anymore.

“Hey, J.” He started, when they found themselves alone in their room. Sirius had looked at the map and seen that Remus and Peter were in the library.

They were alone. That was it.

“Yeah?” James looked up from his Transfiguration’ notes.

“Can I talk to you?”

James looked around and smirked. “Yeah? Of course.”

“Mh, can you put these down?” He pointed at the notes in James’ hands, who obeyed and turned to him.

“What’s up, Sirius?”

Sirius sat down on his bed, in front of James, looking directly at him. He covered his mouth with two fingers, scared as fuck.

“I-“ He just said, clearing his throat, “I think this one has been a strange year, yeah?”

James nodded, bitting his nails. Something he always did, Sirius had noticed. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Uhm, yeah, it’s been strange, and… I think I figured out some things. You know?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“And, I like painting.” Sirius nodded, James nodded along.

“I know, I’ve seen your canvases. You’re very good.”

“Thanks, mate. Uhm, there’s something, though, I’m not good at…”

James smiled. “Runes?”

Sirius smiled back. “Oi. I’m pretty good at it now. Remus was a good teacher. And, it’s not that.”

“What it it?”

“You haven't noticed?”

James pretended to think about it. “Flirting with girls? They’re always hitting on you and you never care. You’re not good at it, definitely no.”

Sirius arched an eyebrow. “What?”

“What?”

“Girls don’t hit on me.”

“Yeah, they do.”

“Whatever,” Sirius sighed, who cared about girls?! “It’s not that. It’s another thing…”

“Oh, Merlin. Just tell me.”

Sirius looked at his feet and swallowed. “Yeah, alright, uhm- So, you haven't noticed, like, uhm. I-“ He met James’ eyes and felt a pain in his chest, “It’s Quidditch, James.”

James arched an eyebrow. “What about it? You’re not bad at it.”

“Yeah, okay. Maybe I’m not bad, but I don’t… like it.”

James was still for a moment. “What you mean?”

“I mean,” Sirius kept looking straight into his eyes. “I mean that I hate it.”

“You… hate Quidditch? But-“

“I’m always skipping practices, almost had a panic attack on the field last game. I- I just realised I don't like it anymore. Maybe I never did, I don’t know. I just… wanted to be with you. Do what you do, like what you like, but I don’t. I don’t like it. I’m sorry. I’ll play in the final, I won’t leave before the last game, but I’m not playing again next year. I can’t handle it. I don’t wanna do it. I think I really like painting and, and I thought that I could join the Art class. So I did. McGonagall told me this morning that I’ll start attending next year. And I’ll leave the Quidditch team. I’m really sorry.”

James said nothing. Sirius could understand his emotions from the look on his face. He had listened carefully, every word, and was probably repeating them in his mind, making sure he had heard the right thing. Surely he was still confused. He was probably thinking and thinking about it, not sure what was the right thing to say.

“I’m really sorry, James.” Sirius tried, James just shook his head, his eyes lost.

“No, don’t be. Don’t be.”

“You-” Sirius looked at their feet, “You have… nothing to say?”

“I-“ James bit on his thumbnail, shrugging. “I don’t know what to say. Just... Just that I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

James kept looking down, lost, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t know. I mean, I thought you liked it. You thought you enjoyed playing. I- I’m sorry you don’t.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Does anyone else know? That you don't wanna play anymore.”

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, Marlene. And my brother, and Remus. Yeah.”

“Remus? Now you get along better with him than with me?”

“What?” Sirius arched an eyebrow. “We get along, but no. You are my best friend.”

“But I’m the last one you’re telling this to.”

Sirius opened his mouth, but nothing came out. James looked a bit hurt, playing with his hands, not looking back at him.

“I didn't know how to tell you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I get it.” James shrugged again, “but I- I mean, I thought it was obvious that you could tell me anything. I’ll always be by your side. Always. I thought you knew that.”

“I do know that. I just didn't want to hurt you, James. It’s my fault, not yours. Not in the slightest.”

“I should have noticed it.”

Sirius shook his head. “No, don't say that. I should've told you earlier. Seriously, don’t blame yourself.”

“But it was so obvious. Of course it was. I just thought, I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking but I had noticed it too and just… Just pretended it was nothing. I just pretended that everything was normal.”

“It’s not your fault, really.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“Don’t be. Don’t be, don’t.”

“I should have been a better friend.”

“What?” Sirius almost laughed, James didn't seem to want to look up at him. “That’s not possible. You’re the best friend someone could ask for. You’re like a brother to me, James. Always will be. There’s no Sirius without his James.”

James looked up at him, his eyes glazed, shining in the light. Sirius chuckled, feeling his own eyes watering.

“Oh, c’mon.” He stepped closer, clinging his arms around James’ neck. He rubbed his nose against his skin, chuckling again.

They said multiple ‘sorry’s to each other, every time finding themselves saying: “No need to apologise” then laughing, and saying sorry again.

“Love you, man.” Sirius sat back down, rubbing his eyes with the back of his finger.

James wasn't ashamed of his wet cheeks. “How can I survive without you now?”

Sirius smiled up at him. “You’re way better than me. And when you’ll be captain of the team next year, you’ll realise that it’s better not to have me in the team, or I’ll make you loose all the time.”

James chuckled and shook his head, Sirius looked at him. “So, Art class you were saying?”

“I guess.” Sirius’ shoulders lifted up. “Let’s see if I survive that.”

“You will.” James nodded to himself, “You will, for sure.”

“Thanks. I hope so.”

“Marauders survive everything. I mean, why wouldn't we? We’re the coolest of our year, put magnificent pranks, literally have a map that show us where others are. We’re unbeatable.”

Sirius smiled. “Oh, we so are.”

“And,” James added, “we’ll soon help Moony with his transformations. This summer we have to study, for the animagi thing, you know?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we will.”

“Good.”

Sirius scrubbed his hands against his legs, looking outside the window. Then he remembered something and turned to James. “Asshole. What did you say earlier about the ‘flirting with girls’ thing?”

James grinned. “Yeah, you suck at it.”

“Maybe I just don’t want to flirt. But I’m capable of doing it.”

“Sure.”

“Oi.”

James grinned again, Sirius waved him off.

“Whatever. Everything good between you and Emily, since we’re talking about it?”

“Yeah,” James nodded, “everything's fine. We’re just a bit full lately, with exams, but it’s good.”

“So you really like her?”

James narrowed his eyes. “Yeah? You thought I didn’t?”

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought you got with her only because you were mad at Lily.”

"Oh, Moony did too." James frowned. “I mean- I kind of did at first, I have to admit it. But I do like her, really. I- I know Lily won't ever be indifferent to me, but I’m happy with Emily. We get along well.”

“Good. I’m happy to hear that.”

“Yeah, I like spending time with her.”

Sirius nodded, his hand was resting on his sternum, and the gesture reminded him of something else. “Uhm, so,” he said, clapping his hands together, “how did you… Like, how did you know you fancied her?”

“How did I realise it?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know,” James pursed his lips, “I mean, I told you that at first I got with her because I felt bad for Lily, but when I realised that I liked spending time with Emily, that she understood me, and made me laugh and made me feel good when I was with her, then I realised that I fancied her. I wanted to be with her, for real, not just because I felt bad. That’s how I knew.”

“Right.” Sirius nodded.

“Why?”

He shrugged. “Nothing.” He got up, smiling down at him and offering James his hand to get up. “Was just making sure you weren't messing around with the poor girl.”

“Am not.” James slapped his arm, “You don’t have to worry about it.”

“Cheers.”

“Where’s the others?”

“Ask the map.”

James’ face lighted up. “You’re right.” He pointed at the map and asked for Remus’ name, then Peter’s. They were both in the Common Room. “They’re downstairs.”

“Wanna catch them?”

“Yep.”

Sirius put his arm around James’ shoulders, pulling him towards himself. James smiled, putting his arm around Sirius’ shoulders in response.

(“There’s no Sirius without his James.” Sirius had said. And was sure of it at the time. But years and years later, Sirius would learn how that phrase wasn't entirely true. Couldn’t be true. Years and years later, Sirius would find himself missing James every night and day of his life. Kind of wishing he had never left the Quidditch team, so he could have spent a bit more time with him. Year and years later, Sirius would blame himself for James’ death, thinking about him every time he closed his eyes.)

*****

Remus sighed and closed his eyes. Sirius was about to punch him.

“It’s gonna be alright.” Remus said again, for the hundredth time that morning. Sirius, though, didn't seem to calm down.

It was the day of their last exam, Runes. The seventh of June 1975. Outside it was raining, and Sirius was sure it was a sign. A sign of failure. Remus had told him that he himself preferred rainy days, and that Sirius could see it as a sign of calm and reborn. The poet. Sirius was so scared of that exam that calm didn't even seem a real word to him at the moment.

Remus touched his shoulder. “You’re good. You won’t have any problem, I’ve seen you.”

Sirius’ eyes fell on his hand, which Remus removed immediately after. James’ hands appeared on Sirius’ shoulders, then. They shook him. “Don’t stress yourself too much, Sirius. You’ll fucking kill it.”

Remus turned to Peter and Sirius sighed. They were heading towards the classroom, their exam was beginning in ten minutes. None of the girls had taken Runes beside Viola, who was chatting with Remus and Peter. The two ex-lovers didn't act any different now that they had broken up. They still hung out a lot, Remus was always smiling with her, she laughed very much. Sirius saw them around sometimes.

But now, he stopped thinking about that and went back to worrying about the exam. James thought it would be good to tell him: “Think that when we’re over with this, we’ll celebrate.”

And it did, in fact, calm him down. They had decided to throw a party that night, to celebrate the end of the exams, in the Gryffindor Common Room. Students from other houses were coming too, and Sirius wondered how they were going to fit. Who cared. It was going to be memorable. It was a Marauders’ party, of course it was going to be extraordinary.

This thought relaxed him a bit, and he didn't know if it was because of it or because he was actually prepared, but the exam seemed almost easy to him. He translated everything without any problem, sometimes looked up at Remus and watched him write for a few second, then went back to his paper and kept translating.

At the end of the two hours, he felt lighter.

“How was it?” James asked the five of them, Viola was still next to Remus.

Peter and Remus shared a look and shrugged. Peter said: “It wasn't that bad” and Remus agreed.

“The last part was a bit tough, but I think it went good.” Viola said, Sirius found himself agreeing.

“True.” James nodded, “I think that I messed up the last lines, but the rest was feasible. Sirius?”

He shrugged. “I think it went good.”

“Told you.” Remus said, proud of himself, it seemed.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Thanks to your lessons, of course.”

Remus bowed, Sirius slapped his shoulder.

The rest of the day was spent between preparations for the party. Remus and Peter decorated the Gryffindor Common Room while James and Sirius went, under the invisibility cloak and using their secret passageway, to Hogsmade to buy some alcohol. If they went to Hog's Head Inn, they wouldn't have any problem buying it.

The party was going to be the best thing ever.

Sirius had asked Regulus if he wanted to come too, but his brother had told him that the Slytherins were throwing a party as well.

James had taken it as a challenge. “We’re going to have more people.” “People like us more.” “Imagine spending the night with Snivellus when you can spend it with the Marauders.”

Sirius, of course, agreed.

It was two days before the full moon. In less than two weeks they were going to head home for the summer. Sirius wished he could stay at Hogwarts. With his friends. Forever.

By the time ten came, the Common Room was so full of people that, if McGonagall had found out, they would have spent every night of their last weeks in detention. And McGonagall was going to find out. They had a big surprise ready.

Sirius had observed Remus for the last hour.

James was wandering around, or kissing Emily, or showing off, or talking about Quidditch, or drinking CocaCola (no alcohol, of course). Not interesting.

Peter was trying to hit on every girl he found, or drinking (alcohol, a lot of alcohol), or talking to Mary, or making the record play John Lennon. Sirius hated John Lennon. Surely, not interesting.

Remus, though, for some reason, was more interesting. He had drunk so much that Sirius was surprised. He had never seen him like that. Had never seen him drink more than two or three cups. He had probably drunk an entire bottle of Gin by eleven.

Sirius was drinking his Vodka and something else, leaning against the window, looking at Remus flirt with two girls at once, when Marlene came to him. He swallowed his drink and smiled, she leaned against the window too, next to him.

“What’s up?” Sirius asked, “Having fun?”

She had her arms up to her chest and was glaring at the crowd. Sirius looked at her out the corner of his eye.

“James told me you’re quitting the Quidditch team next year.” Sirius glanced at her in silence, she kept her eyes in front of her for a moment, then turned to him. “So it’s true?”

“Apparently.”

Her lips broke out in a little smile, but she tried to cover it up. “So you've grown some balls, yeah?”

Sirius grinned, looking back to the others dancing. “Apparently.”

“I’ll miss you on the pitch,” she added, “but you sucked. So I’m glad you left.”

“Wow. You’re so nice.”

She elbowed him, still smiling. “I said I’ll miss you.”

He kept looking in front of him, smiling too. “You are not dancing?”

“I don’t like John Lennon.”

“Oh God,” Sirius smiled, “I hate him.”

“You too?!”

“Of course!” He grinned down at Marlene, then looked around the room, searching for his friends.

Peter was dancing with Lily, Mary and Viola, the four of them laughing at something Sirius couldn’t figure out. Peter was making them swirl, they all seemed a bit tipsy.

James was talking with Emily, his arm around her shoulders. Had he really drunk only Coke? He didn’t look that sober, Sirius thought.

Killer Queen by Queen—Sirius' favourite—had started playing now, a lot of people were singing and dancing and kissing.

When Sirius’ eyes found him, Remus was doing all three of them.

He was with a girl Sirius didn’t know. His body was moving along with the music, leaning down to kiss her. The girl, much shorter than him, was arching her back, enveloped by Remus’ long arms.

Sirius' smile fell from his lips.

They were dancing together in the middle of the room, kissing each other’s mouth passionately, hugging and touching. They weren’t the only ones who were making out, but Sirius could only see them. He did try to look away, it would have been creepy if they caught him staring. But he couldn’t.

He did not understand. A lot of things. First, why they were kissing so obscenely? Remus didn’t like PDA, Sirius was sure of it. Second, why was it making him so... So angry?

Sirius looked at the girl’s body. Tried to find an interest in it. Tried to like it. That was why he was angry, wasn’t it?

He wasn’t really angry. He was annoyed. Oh, he was. He was extremely irritated. That was the word.

He kept trying to make himself attracted to her, to her body, to her movements, her long hair moving, her hands touching Remus.

Her hands touching Remus.

Sirius followed her hands with his eyes. They were touching every part of Remus’ body, his hair, his face.

Sirius had to catch his breath.

He didn't even know her. Didn't know who the hell she was.

Their mouth never broke away. They seemed happy. Why were they so happy? What was there to be so happy about?!

Remus’ hands were constantly moving. To the back of her neck, his fingers intertwined in her hair. His hands on her back, going down down. So down that Sirius had to look up.

They weren’t snogging anymore now, she was whispering something on his ear. Remus was smirking so bigly it actually hurt Sirius. His hands still on her ass, and she kept whispering and whispering, Remus getting more turned on, he was biting his lower lip. Sirius knew Remus was loving it.

Sirius was hating it.

She's a Killer Queen
Gunfire, guillotine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime

Remus first smirked down at her, licking his lips. When they began making out again. Sirius finally looked away. He felt shame of himself. He felt his stomach ache, his mouth was dry and his throat hurt.

He looked at them one last time out the corner of his eye. He looked at Remus. Oh God. Who was wearing baggy jeans and a black shirt, his usual black boots, and looked so fucking hot. He had an hickey on his neck and was now kissing the girl’s jaw in the most arousing way ever. Sirius thought of his lips on her skin.

He looked at his feet, his face hot. After a moment of long breaths, “Everything okay?” Marlene asked, her voice worried. Sirius met her eyes for a second, but immediately looked away, ashamed.

“I’m going to bed.”

“What? Already?” She asked, trying to meet Sirius’ eyes. No way.

“Can you tell James I went to bed?” He turned to James, who was still talking with Emily, smiling at her. C’mon James, you’re already her boyfriend, why are you flirting with her?!

“Do you feel good, Sirius?” Marlene asked again.

He ignored her. “I’ll tell James myself.”

He marched over to him, James looked up at him and smiled. “Oi, mate.” He realised how pale Sirius was. “Hey, you feel good?”

“No,” Sirius replied, he wanted to get out of there. It was like air couldn’t reach his lungs anymore. He had to get out of there. “My head hurts, I wanna go to bed.”

“Okay.” James seemed worried. Emily looked worried too, now. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No.” He said firmly, brushing his fingers over his chin, looking lost. “Don’t worry. Good night. Have fun.”

He disappeared before James could say anything else. He was panicking. It couldn’t be possible. It couldn’t be.

(Of course it could be.)

More steps he took, more memories of Remus filled his brain.

He closed the door behind him and pressed his back against it. It couldn’t be.

He went straight to the bathroom and washed his face with cold water, his skin was still hot. His breath was still fast. When he looked at his reflection on the mirror, he almost jumped. His cheeks were red, his pupils big. Like he was embarrassed. Like he was...

He heard their bedroom’s door open and close a few minutes later, he sighed.

“James, I’m fine. Seriously.” He opened the door, to find Remus on top of the girl from earlier, shirtless, intent on kissing her neck.

The two looked up. She covered her breast with Remus’ duvet. (Sirius couldn't give a damn about seeing her tits, c’mon.) Remus just looked at him. Sirius swallowed.

“I didn't know you were there.” Remus said, his voice drunk. He didn't move. Sirius’ eyes fell on his naked chest for a second. There were scars, many, but his skin looked soft, perfect almost, probably smooth under someone's fingers… Sirius looked up immediately.

“I- Sorry.” He covered his eyes with his hands, he didn't know what to do. “Sorry I just needed to… Yeah, I’ll leave you alone now.”

Sirius didn't know what he wanted to hear, but surely not: “Thanks mate.”

He ran down the stairs, the Common Room was still full, another Queen's song playing now. Sirius couldn't give a damn. A few people blocked his way, but he pushed them aside and finally reached the door, finding himself in the empty corridor of their floor. In complete silence. The music had disappeared as soon as he had came out of there.

He stayed there for a moment, his eyes on the floor. About to cry.

"Remus..." He let out, just a whisper. His name between his lips, slowly.

Sirius couldn’t feel something for him.

Not him.

Not Remus.

He couldn’t.

He walked until he reached the Astronomy tower, the air was cold and he had just a jumper on, but he felt so hot that he didn't really care. He covered his mouth with his hand.

How could have that happened?

Sirius felt like he could throw up at any moment. His eyes watered. He did cry at some point. Not because… Not because… There wasn't a reason. He just felt like crying. Couldn't he just fucking cry? For no reason? Was he allowed to just cry, fuck's sake? 

He didn't know how much time he had spent there when he stopped crying. It was a silent cry. Swallowed by the endless night, the white moon was laughing of him. He looked back at her, the queen of the sky. The reason of Remus’ suffering.

He cried again when he realised that he had thought about him. He would rather fancy anyone else, anyone else.

So he did, didn't he? He fancied him. He fancied Remus.

His eyes were wide open, his body shivered when he thought again about Remus, shirtless, on top of that girl. Sirius hated her. Sirius hated Remus. He did. He fucking hated him so much that he wished he had had a cramp while doing whatever he was doing and was now hurting, in the edge of tears. No, actually he hated him so much that he wished he had fucked that girl, yes, and that was now regretting it. That was now wishing he hadn’t. That was now hating her. But no, Remus fucking Lupin didn't believe in hate and blah blah. Sirius hated him. So much that he wished that Remus had stopped him earlier in their room, grabbed him by the neck and kissed him against the bathroom door. In front of that girl. Bitch. Ha, Sirius would have thought, he’s mine.

Oh God. What was he even thinking? What had done that bastard to him? It was all his fault. Of course it was! With his mysterious green-brown eyes, his beautiful lips, his pretty face. With his way of talking slowly, deep, quoting books out of nowhere, smoking in the most attractive way, walking around like he didn't know he was the most beautiful boy in school. It was all his fault. He made everyone fall at his feet, and now, he had dared to make Sirius fall too. How dare he?

Sirius hated him.

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud bang, Sirius’ eyes flicked up. The fireworks. God damn. He had never regretted one of his own ideas as much as he did at that precise moment.

The fireworks, telling him that it was midnight, said: ‘No one can beat the Marauders, suck it, Slytherins!’ They were going to die in detention. Maybe McGonagall was going to expel them. Okay. They deserved it.

From where he was, he could see students looking out their windows to see the beautiful show. Sirius found himself smiling a bit. He looked at the lights from far away, away from his friends, wondering if they had realised that he was missing. Wondering if anyone had thought about him. 

He came back to the Common Room half an hour later. Everyone was cleaning up. Peter caught his eyes.

“Sirius!” He put his hand on his shoulder, Sirius looked around. “We’re in trouble, McGonagall came and said we'll have detention for two weeks. Probably will be in detention also next year when we come back.” Peter grinned, Sirius smiled too. “Have you seen the fireworks? Where were you?!”

Had they noticed that he was gone?

“Breathing some fresh air. I had an headache.”

“But you did see the fireworks, yeah? Your idea was amazing.”

“Yeah, yeah, I saw them. You want a hand cleaning up?”

Peter turned around, shaking his head. “Nah, don’t worry. Lie down if you still feel bad, yeah? We’ll clean up here. When James will be tired of snogging Emily.”

Sirius, selfishly (since he wasn't feeling bad), went upstairs, scared he was going to find Remus shirtless again. Which he didn’t. He opened the door to a silent and empty room. The bathroom’s door was closed from the inside. He knocked slowly.

“Yeah?” Remus’ voice came muffled, Sirius stepped back. Breathed. Then, “Sirius.”

He felt shivers down his spine when he heard him say his name. He stepped closer this time.

“Hey, you feel good?”

Remus opened the door a moment later. He was pale, black circles down his eyes, he looked smaller. Sirius met his tired eyes.

“You feel good?” He asked again.

Remus shrugged. “I threw up.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Remus sat down on the closed toilet, his hands on his cheeks. “Sorry about earlier, by the way. Where did you disappeared after?”

“Uhm, I went to the Astronomy tower. I… I didn't feel that well.”

“Crap. Was that why you were here?”

Sirius decided to make him feel guilty. Asshole. “Yeah…”

“Crap. Sorry.”

“Yeah,” Sirius looked at his feet, he faked a smirk, ouch. “Did you two have sex, at least?”

Remus nodded tiredly. “Yeah. Not sure if it was a good idea, though. I threw up shortly after.”

Sirius’ head turned up, he glanced at Remus. “You had sex with her?” He asked again. Maybe he wanted to suffer.

“Yeah.”

”Like… The whole process?”

Remus stared at him. “What’s your definition of sex, Sirius?”

“Right.” Sirius nodded, looking around. “Uhm, you need something? Because I… I wanted to go to bed, you know. Still have this headache.”

Remus got up too, nodding at nothing. “I’m going to bed too.”

“Okay.”

Sirius went to change next to his bed, away from Remus’ eyes, feeling his cheeks hot. He changed into his pyjamas quickly and looked over at Remus’ bed, where the boy was sleeping already, still dressed up with his party’s clothes. Sirius leaned his forehead against the wall and breathed, then went over to Remus’ bed.

“Remus, c’mon. Take off your clothes and get under the duvet.”

“Mhh.”

“C’mon, Remus.”

Remus turned over, his back against the mattress, his eyes still closed. His hands went down to his jeans’ zip and began taking them off. Sirius looked up immediately, he was not going to look down. No way in hell. He glared at the wall in front of him while Remus took his jeans off and threw them on the floor. He also took off his jumper, and when he was only in his boxers, declared he was going to sleep like that.

“I’m always so hot,” he whispered to Sirius, “when it’s around the full moon.”

“Okay.” Sirius took a long breath and covered him up with the duvet, worried Remus was going to be cold even if he had just said that he was always hot around the full moon.

“Thank you.” Remus said, his eyes open and thin. Sirius looked down at him. “Sorry about earlier.”

“It’s fine.” Not really.

“Thanks for helping me. You're... You're nice."

Sirius' heart.

"Good night.” Then Remus said.

“G-Good night.” 

Sirius wasn't sure that it was going to be a good night.

*****

He didn’t really sleep the following two nights.

He had nothing to do. Lessons were over, they were going home in less than two weeks. He had played his last Quidditch game Sunday morning, thankfully Marlene had caught the golden snitch soon enough and he had told his teammates that he was quitting after the match. Everyone celebrated the victory in the Common Room Sunday night.

The next days were empty. Without lessons, Quidditch practices or revisions to do, the only thing they did was sit outside in the grass and go to detention after dinner.

Tuesday was the exact copy of Monday. And Wednesday was the exact copy of Tuesday. They were leaving on the next Wednesday.

Thursday Regulus stopped by while they were sitting in front of the lake. Marlene and Peter were playing chess, Mary and Viola were talking with Remus and Lily, Remus had his head in Lily’s lap, she was playing with his hair. Sirius was talking with James, sometimes looking in Remus’ direction. Regulus stopped behind him.

Remus was the first to see him. “What’s up, Regulus?”

Sirius turned around. “Reg.”

“Hi.” He was with Barty Crouch, they were always together. “Just saw you there and decided to come and say hello.”

“You’re not angry about the fireworks, are you?” Sirius smirked up at the two Slytherin boys.

Barty said nothing. Regulus slapped the back of Sirius's head. “Knowing that you’re detention is enough for me. Other Slytherins took it bad, though.”

“No sense of humour.” James shook his head, smiling to himself.

“I hope Severus was one of them.” Peter commented, not taking off his eyes from the chess board.

“Ha.” Regulus said, “He was the first who got mad. Saying he’ll make you lot regret it.”

Sirius and James burst out laughing, Peter and Remus followed them.

“God, that boy is so annoying.” Mary commented.

Lily rolled her eyes. “Can y’all not make fun of him?”

“No, Evans.” James shook his head, still laughing. It was the first time he spoke to her in months. “We can’t.”

She rolled his eyes again.

While they were busy laughing, Barty whispered in Regulus’ ear: “Can we leave now?”

Regulus coughed awkwardly. “See ya lads. Sirius, see you at home I guess.”

“Unfortunately.”

Friday was chaotic. It would have great, if they didn't have detention with McGonagall. They had to organise, in alphabetical order, the second years that were going to be third years in September and what elective subjects they had chosen to add at their curriculum subjects.

Sirius spent the night chuckling and saying: “I’m sorry for her, she chose Runes” “I’m sorry for him, he chose Runes” and so on.

And then detention again and again.

McGonagall let them free Tuesday night, so nice of her, since they were departing the next morning.

At dinner, Dumbledore declared Ravenclaw winner of the House Cup, and Slytherin winner of the Quidditch Cup. James sighed so loud that Remus and Peter laughed a bit. Sirius shared a little smile with Regulus from afar.

Wednesday morning, right after breakfast, Sirius was sitting on his empty bed, Remus was sitting on the window, Peter and James were brushing their teeth. Their room was completely empty, their suitcases next to their beds. Sirius felt bad. He wished he could stay there. He didn't want to go home.

“You’re keeping the map?” He asked Remus, who turned to him, his cigarette almost finished.

“I guess. You wanna keep it?”

“No, you keep it. It’s not like we can use it outside Hogwarts anyway.”

Remus said nothing, Sirius looked at him for a bit, beautiful stupid boy, then added: “I’m gonna miss this. Hogwarts, I mean. You?”

He watched Remus put off his cigarette on the wall, nodding slowly. “Yeah. I’ll miss you.”

Me? Sirius wanted to ask for a moment, then it clicked in his mind that Remus meant them. James, Peter, the girls, Remus would miss them, and maybe, at the end of the list, Sirius too.

“Feeling a bit nostalgic, you two?” Peter asked, coming out of the bathroom, James’ hands on his shoulders. Easy for them being so happy, they were going to spend the summer together, having fun. Sirius was going to enter hell and burn there for more than two months. He wondered if Remus was going to heaven, or to hell like him.

Sirius took a last look at the Hogwarts’ castle and breathed its fresh air for the last time, before he found himself inside walls he hated with all his heart.

*****

“Sirius.”

Regulus woke him up. He was standing next to Sirius’ bed, still in his pyjamas. Sirius rubbed his eyes with his finger.

“What?”

“It’s ten. C’mon, wake up.”

“Mhh.”

He heard Regulus open the window’s curtain and then, when he looked up, he saw him leaving him alone in his big room. Sirius lay down a bit longer, his hand over his eyes, the sun entering the window right on his face. He yawned again, before getting up. It was mid July, the house was hot.

The breakfast table was set for only two people. Sirius and Regulus’ father was never at home in the mornings, Sirius saw him only at dinner, while their mother didn't eat with them at breakfast. She shared the table with them at lunch, but Sirius wished she could skip it as well. When it was only him and Regulus everything was better.

“Are you taking French with me this morning?” Regulus asked, from the other side of the table, while an house elf poured him some tea. It was weird how they were sharing a table this big, and were seating far from each other. Like some royal couple.

Sirius shook his head. “I told you I don't wanna take French anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because I can already speak it,” he took a few biscuits from a plate, “and you can too. I don’t know why you keep taking lessons.”

“Because I want to have a perfect French. You know I wanna go to Paris when school’s over.”

Sirius swallowed his biscuit. He knew. Where was he going after school? “I think I’ll just paint outside, this morning.”

Regulus just nodded and ate in silence. Sirius was waiting for some letters to arrive. He had written to James a few times already. The boy kept asking if he wanted to visit him and his family, and Sirius kept answering that he didn't know if he could. He had decided that he was going to ask his father one of these days.

He had written to Peter once, Marlene too. And Remus. Sirius was waiting for an answer, from all of them. And James, of course.

After breakfast, Regulus smiled at him one last time. “You sure you don’t wanna come?”

Sirius messed up his hair and went outside. They had a garden in the back. It was fresh during the day. It was Sirius’ little part of freedom. He painted there most of the times, silly things like a tree or a fork on a plate. He just let his mind breath. That was how he did it.

He spent his days in the garden painting, or in his room, or in the drawing room playing the piano. He’d started playing it again. Sometimes he played with Regulus. A part of him hoped he could play with someone else when he was going back at Hogwarts.

Sirius thought about him a lot. He had dreamed of him a few times, always waking up when the part of them kissing came. He just lay there breathing, afterwards. Sometimes he touched himself, but when he realised that he was thinking of Remus again he stopped. Now that he had admitted to himself that he might (might), kind of liked him, everything had a face. And the face was Remus fucking Lupin. All the time.

He was waiting impatiently for one of his letters. He had tried to read a few books too, thinking he could maybe discuss them with Remus once they were back at school. He was embarrassing. Everything he did, somehow, led to Remus. He knew that.

Nobody knew about it. Regulus still didn’t. No one had to know. He always tried to think about Remus only when he was in his room, alone, because no one ever came in. Only Regulus when he went to wake him up. They didn't go in each other's room, that was it. Not anymore. While Slytherin posters and Quidditch things covered Regulus’ walls, Sirius had Gryffindor posters all around, David Bowie and Queen pictures, one of a motorbike too. Muggle magazines Andromeda had sent him on his nightstand, he had a few girls in bikini too. He had handed them there only to trigger his cousins, a few years before, when at Christmas they had gone up to his room and seen the decorations. Not a single member of his family had ever entered there again. He was thinking about taking off the naked girls from the wall now. Not that he really cared about them.

Before lunch, he did receive two letters, Peter’s and James’s, which were saying the same things, since they were spending the summer together. Sirius was happy to hear about them anyway.

He joined his mother and Regulus a few minutes later, a bit of paint on his chin.

“Sorry, I’m late.” He breathed deeply, sitting down, his mother's eyes on him. “Sorry.” He said again, meeting her eyes.

Regulus didn't talk. Walburga referred to Kreacher, their house elf. “Kreacher, bring the lunch.”

“Immediately, my mistress.”

They eat in silence. Regulus sometimes met his eyes, but looked away immediately. Sirius never watched in his mother’s direction.

“Sirius.” She addressed him at some point, Sirius swallowed before looking up.

“Yes, mother?”

“I saw you were painting in the garden earlier.”

Sirius kept looking at her in silence, she was chewing slowly, her eyes never leaving his. Regulus had stopped eating too.

“Yes, I was.”

Walburga took a sip from her glass. There was silence for a moment. “Why don't you take a portrait of me, one of these days?”

Silence again. Sirius didn't dare to look away. He swallowed again, opened his mouth a little, but said nothing.

“Make yourself useful for once, will you?”

Sirius looked down at his plate for a moment. “Okay, I can try. I don’t know if I’m that good, but-“

“Good. Tomorrow.” She got up and cleared her throat. “Kreacher.”

“Yes, my mistress?”

“Clean up here when the boys are done. I’m going to my room.”

*****

The next morning Sirius woke up by himself at nine. He went to wake up Regulus and ate breakfast with him. Who woke up first, woke the other. Then he played the piano for a while, not knowing if he had to paint his mother in the afternoon, in an hour, or immediately. He was ready, if she came. He kept looking up, saw if she had appeared, then went back to the piano.

At lunch, she said nothing. When they were over, she addressed Sirius and said: “Later.”

Sirius kept waiting, he was sitting outside, tapping his fingers on his leg, when Kreacher came.

“Sirius Black,” the elf always called him and Regulus with their entire names, “there’s a letter for you.”

Sirius got up immediately, his heart beat a bit faster. He looked down and read the name on the paper in a rush. From Remus Lupin. He tried not to smile.

“Thanks, Kreacher.”

The elf groaned, but Sirius ignored him. He opened the letter immediately.

“17/07/1975

Dear Sirius,
I’ve read your letter only yesterday. Sorry. Been spending time with my mama. Thanks for asking about her, she’s fine. A bit better. She goes to work and hangs out with some of her friends. I met the son of one of her girlfriends yesterday, boring as hell. People lately are so monotonous. They always bore me.

I’ve been hearing from Peter and he told me that he and James are having fun so far. Don’t know when I’ll reply, but tell me how your summer's going, if you want.
Remus J. Lupin”

Sirius read the letter twice, at the end of it, he was smiling a bit. He cleared his throat, making the smile disappear. It was just a few lines that said nothing, they couldn't make Sirius happy. They couldn’t.

He folded the letter and put it in his pocket.

How arrogant was he? “Don’t know when I’ll reply, but tell me how your summer's going, if you want.” How arrogant. Sirius wasn’t going to tell him how his summer was going. Nop. Remus didn’t have time to reply? Neither did Sirius. And, if he wasn’t interested in Sirius’ summer, fine. Sirius wasn’t going to bother him. Nop.

He wondered if Remus was going to the Potters’ for the summer.

It didn’t matter. Sirius wasn’t probably going himself, he didn’t care about what Remus was doing.

He wondered how Remus was going to pass the full moon. It was in a week, Sirius was taking trace of it. He didn’t know why. He didn't care, no.

A cough interrupted his thoughts. Walburga was standing behind him, Sirius put a tuft of hair behind his ear.

“Mother.”

“Can we begin?” She made a canvas appear in front of them, it was long, his mother’s size, and in that moment Sirius understood that she wanted a portrait of her whole body. He looked at the white canvas for a moment, feeling like he wasn’t able to paint anymore.

“Try to do it well, I want to hang it in the hallway of the first floor.”

Sirius nodded. He tried thinking of nothing for a pair of hours.

*****

The next day, another letter from Remus came.

It came when Sirius was outside continuing his mother’s portrait. His eyes widened a bit. He didn’t open it immediately, of course, but he kept dedicating a small thought in the back of his mind to that piece of paper.

“You seem lost in your thoughts.” His mother said.

Sirius swallowed. “Just concentrated.”

Later, when he opened it, the letter said:

“Been trying to listen to new music lately. A Fleetwood Mac’s album came out a week ago and I decided to try it. It sucked. Blue Letter and I’m so Afraid are the only two acceptable. Wouldn’t recommend it. I’ll try with ABBA’s one next. I’ll let you know. Didn’t like the first two albums but this one seems better.

Read a book yesterday that made me think all night. Life Against Death: The Psychoanalytical Meaning of History. It was a good exploration of sex, death and history. Liked it a lot. I like psychological stuff lately. I don't know.

Talking about music again, I’ve been singing Rebel Rebel all day. Can’t get it out of my mind. The words of a crying mouth and the sound of running air, who could know they were going to be so good together?”

There wasn’t his name at the end of it, it wasn’t necessary. Sirius knew.

*****

A few days later, Sirius found himself sitting in front of his desk, in his room, with a white paper in his hands. After a moment, he wrote down something and decided that he was going to send it. Without thinking about it again.

He just wrote:

“So, any news about the new ABBA’s album? I only have David’s albums here, keep listening to them. Don’t mind, tho.” After thinking about it for a moment, he added: “Whose quote did you write at the end of the letter?”

Before he began painting his mother, he asked Kreacher to send it.

*****

The answer came the next day. Sirius loved how fast wizards’ mail way of working was.

Remus had written:

“Loved ABBA.
The quote is from Remus Lupin, thank you very much. Came straight out of my mind. I’ll try sent you something, one of my mum’s records, if I can.
Also, don’t waste so much paper if you have to write just a few lines.
I’ll write you down a part of one ABBA’s song, SOS.

You seemed so far away
Though you were standing near
You made me feel alive
But something died, I fear
I really tried to make it up
I wish I understood
What happened to our love?

It was raining yesterday, Viola sent me this book called The Iliad. It talks about war, which I usually don’t like, but it’s not bad. Achilles reminded me of you.”

Sirius breathed. He read the letter three times, read the song’s part a few times, read “Achilles reminded me of you” so many times that when he closed his eyes he could see the words imprinted in his eyelids. Remus had thought of him?

When his mother and Kreacher came, before the elf could leave he asked: “Kreacher.”

“Yes, Sirius Black?”

“Can you see if we have The Iliad in our library?”

“We have it.” Answered his mother, instead. The elf looked down. “Why, do you want to read it?”

Sirius nodded. “Yes, I was thinking about it.”

“I’ll look for it, Sirius Black.” Kreacher said, before leaving the two alone.

That night Sirius found the book in his bedroom’s desk.

*****

Sirius waited the 25 to answer Remus. He waited, so he could ask him about the full moon. He had finished reading The Iliad the night before. He hadn’t slept that night. Zero. He had looked out at the full moon from his bedroom’s window, then went to bed and lay there, thinking of him.

On the letter, he wrote:

“The ABBA’s song seemed good, you’ll make me listen to it when we’re back at school, maybe?

Also, what you said made me interested in it, so, you might not believe it, but I’ve read The Iliad. I had it there, at home, and read it. Wanted to see what you meant when you said that Achilles reminded you of me. Wanted to see if you were offending me, really. I guess you weren’t. I liked his character, didn’t like all of his choices, tho. I think he was realistic. I can see the similarities, maybe. I didn’t think he could make you think of me, maybe more of James. Thanks for the thought, I guess. I have to admit that maybe I feel more like Patroclus. His best friend. Isn’t it funny how Achilles went mad after his death? The greatest of all the Greek warriors, out of his mind after losing his best friend. Couldn’t live without him. I didn't know if you thought of me because of that, but I could see myself there. But, if we want to talk about wrath, then you win. Just kidding. Or maybe not.

I think this letter’s turning too long.

Oh, it’s fine if you don’t send me anything, don’t worry about it.

Last thing, I just wanted to ask how did the full moon go, since it was last night.

Write me back when you want.”

He didn't know why he had added the last phrase, but surely he didn't mean that it could pass more than a week without Remus’ response. The boy never answered. It was the first days of August, and Remus had disappeared.

Walburga’s portrait was almost done. James had asked him again if he could visit him, Sirius still had to ask his father.

He tried not to crave Remus’ response that much. He tried not to think about it.

One day, after lunch, before going outside to finish his mother's portrait, Sirius asked Kreacher again if there were any new letters for him. The elf told him that no, there was nothing.

Sirius was a bit annoyed.

He finished the painting. It was finally over, it had taken him almost two weeks to finish it. He told his mother it was done.

She went behind him to look at it. She said nothing for a while, then nodded. Kreacher came.

“Hung it in the first floor’s wall.”

The elf did.

Sirius would have liked a little ‘thank you’ or ‘wow, Sirius, you did great’, but of course, he was asking too much.

He was about to go back inside, wanting to play the piano a little, when his mother called his name.

“Sirius.”

He sighed, turning around. “Yes, mother?”

“Stop having those thoughts.”

Sirius looked at her, he hoped she didn't know that he kind of wanted a compliment for the portrait. “What thoughts?”

Her gaze darkened. “Sirius, I’m warning you.”

He didn't look away. Didn’t dare to break their eye-contact. Was she angry? “What-“

“Don’t make me angry, Sirius. Toujours Pur. You know what you’re doing wrong. Don’t make me punish you. Get that boy out of your mind.”

Sirius’ eyes widened a bit. She knew. He couldn't even make something up, because she knew. His heart stopped beating for a moment. “You’ve read my mind?”

“Of course I’ve read your mind! I saw you all lost in your thoughts and happy,” she made a disgusted face, “I thought you’d found yourself a wife. I didn't expect this.”

“You can’t read my mind.” He tried saying, but her gaze shushed him.

“I can read whatever I want. And I demand to read what I please to read. Not that. Get yourself together. Two boys can't make an heir.”

His brain had stopped working. He felt like she was making him hold his breath. “I do not want nor care about having an heir yet. I’m only fifteen, that’s not what I'm thinking about at the moment.”

“Start do it, then.”

“But you had me at thirty-four-“

“Sirius, I’m warning you. No more of that boy.”

He swallowed, stepping back. “He’s just a friend.”

“Why do you always have to disappoint me?”

Sirius’ stomach hurt. His mouth closed immediately, his eyes fell on the floor.

“What did I do wrong educating you? How did that happen? How could my son be a Gryffindor, friend with muggles and blood traitors, and a queer. Thinking that my bloodline will continue thanks to you makes me sick. You are the worst thing that could happen to this family. Now go.”

He didn’t move for a moment, his feet immobilised. He could feel his throat dry. Of course he knew that his family thought that things of him, but. It was hearing them. It was hearing his mother’s voice saying them. It was knowing that not even the smallest part of her loved him. He already knew that, but it was painful. He pretended it wasn’t, but it was.

His mother walked past him and left him there. Sirius managed to move only after a few minutes. He went to his room, threw himself on the bed and cried a little. He did. Almost unconsciously, he silently cried against the pillow, his eyes burning.

And his letters had disappeared. All the letters Remus had sent him, which were in his nightstand, were gone. Sirius didn't care about his wet cheeks, he didn't think, he just stormed out of the room and went downstairs, his breath short. Walburga was in the drawing room, seated in the couch while reading a book. Regulus was playing the piano next to her, he looked up when Sirius came into the room.

“You took them.” Sirius just said. His mother didn't even look up, just put her book aside. “You took the letters from my nightstand! Why, why did you have to do that?”

“You know why.”

“I fucking hate you so much.” Sirius let out. Regulus stopped breathing and his mother looked up. He was so angry, and sad, and confused, that he didn't care about the consequences. He just kept talking. “You don’t know how much I hate you, all of you. I do. You make me wish I wasn’t even born at all. Why did you have to take them? It was just letters, just stupid letters! But I wanted to keep them! Why did-”

“Don’t look for them,” his mother just said, “I burnt them. They’re gone. I read them, by the way, and you disgust me so much, Sirius. I wish you weren't born at all. Go. To. Your. Room. Don’t make me punish you.”

“Punish me, I don’t care. I don’t care!”

“Sirius.” Regulus intervened, putting an hand on his arm. Sirius flicked away. His brother stepped back.

She did punish him, then. It was the Cruciatus Curse, Sirius felt his skin rip off, tried to win the urge to scream. When it was over, what felt like decades later, his mother told him to disappear. Regulus accompanied him in his room, it hurt even to walk.

Regulus said nothing, just helped him sit down, and sat next to him. Sirius didn't say a word, he tried to catch his breath, and when Regulus told him that he was sorry, he began crying again. His brother put an arm around his shoulders and let him cry. Sirius wanted to break away, run, just leave that haunted house, but for the moment he just cried. When Regulus asked him why their mother was so angry with him, just cried more.

He didn't visit the Potters that summer. Didn’t play the piano again, or went outside painting every morning. Barely came out of his room. Didn’t eat much, or talked to anyone. Not that anyone cared. It seemed like neither Regulus did. Or maybe he was too scared of their mother. And Sirius got it, really. Beside, he didn’t want to talk to him either. He didn’t want to write to James, or anyone else. 

He didn’t receive any other letters from Remus that summer, he thought. But how could he know that Remus had written him, three times already. How could he know, if his mother had hidden the letters?

Chapter Text

REMUS

I was your boy. Till the end.

(Am.)

The Poppy Field; Monet (1873)

*****

Remus had been watching her back for a few minutes now. The air of the room was hot, still smelled of sex. Remus had already put his boxers on, Elle was still completely naked, sleeping. She always fell asleep immediately after they were done.

They had been doing this since Remus had come back from school. He had started hanging out with Louis and Elle again, and one night it happened. The two of them kissed when they reached her doorway. Remus had accompanied her home, and she told him to come inside. They had sex for the first time that night, then kept doing it every time they hung out together.

It was three days before Remus had to go back to Hogwarts, a week after the last full moon.

That summer’s full moons had been the worst in Remus’ life. The thought that he had to see his father the morning after made him sick. The wolf in him seemed angry too, because every following morning Remus woke up covered in scars. He had new ones in his chest, one behind his ear, one on the neck, a few on the arms and the legs too. They were all permanent, they weren't going to leave his body ever.

Elle had asked him how he had hurt himself like that, “Is your dad the reason?”, she had looked up at him with big eyes. Remus had shaken his head and told her that he didn't want to talk about it. She never brought it up again.

Right now, Remus was looking at the back of her neck, exposed under her dark red-almost brown hair, and he was thinking. He got up and kissed her shoulder, before getting out of the room. He closed the door silently and rested his back against it for a minute, his eyes closed.

Louis’ door, next to Elle's, opened in that moment and a giggling boy came out of it. Remus turned to him, the boy patted his shoulder and disappeared. Louis came out a second later, just in his boxer.

Remus lifted his chin to greet him. “Hi.”

“Hyia.” Louis lifted his chin too and put his shirt on. “Wanna smoke a cig with me?”

Remus checked the time: half past one. He sighed, then nodded.

“You’ve fucked my sister?” Louis asked when they sat in his bedroom’s window, he was still only in his boxers and his shirt.

Remus inhaled. “You’ve fucked the boy who ran away two minutes ago?”

“Touchè.”

They smoked in silence, looking outside. The moon was half full, but illuminated the whole sky anyway. Remus kept looking in front of him, No More No More by Aerosmith playing in his mind since that afternoon.

Louis stepped closer and kissed his neck softly, Remus closed his eyes. “You’re not going to break my sister’s heart, are you?” Louis whispered against his skin. Remus breathed deeply, fighting the urge to open his eyes.

“It’s just sex. For both of us.”

“Mh-mhh.”

Louis’ mouth went up to his jaw, to his chin. Before he could reach his mouth, Remus moved away.

“C’mon, Lou. No.”

“Right, right.” Louis sat back down, glaring at him. Remus met his eyes.

“We shouldn't do that.”

“Right.” Louis said again.

Remus kept looking at him. He didn't know when he had realised that he found Louis attractive. One night, while they were drunk, they kissed. Remus told him that he didn't want to talk about it the next morning. And they did in fact not talk about it ever again, but sometimes it was weird between them. They looked at each other for whole minutes, brushed their fingers accidentally or sat too close to each other. Some nights, nights like this one, after Remus had come out of Elle’s room, they sat together and did this. Sometimes Louis tried to kiss him, but Remus never really let him. He didn't know why. He kind of liked the thought of Louis kissing him, it just felt too much every time he thought about it. Not the thing itself, everything else around it.

One night he had really thought about it. Thought about what his mum could have said. Or the Marauders.

He had put the thought away, too scared to even think about it. Sometimes he felt so scared to lose them that he felt like crying.

He had pretended to be tough and strong all school year. Then had come back home. Then he had seen how miserable his mum was. Then he had broken down again.

On the day that followed the first full moon, after seeing his father again, he went to his mum's bedroom and cried for an hour. He told her that he had always known, about his father cheating. He told her that he had found out the Christmas of his third year at school but had never told her. He cried and cried, while his mum kept saying that it was fine, it wasn't his fault, to stop crying. What if she hated him? What if she had never believed in hate but now hated him? What if?

Remus had realised how sufferable it was to him the thought of hate being in his life. He couldn't stand it. It was one of his biggest fear. Not Greyback, not his father, not even that Voldemort guy. None of them he could hate. He was too afraid of it, he was. And it wasn't about wanting to be loved either. Not that. It was just the fear of being hated. Or hate someone. It was the fear of being abandoned, he had realised. Of being seen. And he didn't hate his father, unfortunately he didn’t. He did, though, cry sometimes, when he thought of him being happy without him and his mother. 

He wasn't sure if he deserved it, love (he was sure he didn’t, actually), but he didn't want to be alone, that was it.

“I should go home.” He told Louis when his second cigarette was over.

The boy nodded. “You want me to walk you home?”

Remus jumped down the window, he lived just three blocks away. “Nah, I’m good.”

“So you’re leaving on Monday?”

“Yeah, it looks like it.”

“When are you coming back?”

“Mid-June.” They looked at each other. “I’ll come say goodbye on Sunday, yeah? Going to your grandma tomorrow.”

“God, you and that woman are really best friends.”

Remus smiled bigly. He loved spending time with her, yes, he had to admit it.

“We’ll see each other on Sunday, yeah?”

“Yep.”

“And then in June?”

“Yep.”

Louis nodded, “Right. Good night, pretty boy.”

(Remus came home some time before mid-June that summer, actually. Of course he didn't know back then, while he said goodbye to Louis, but hate was going to be a big part of his next summer.)

*****

Remus was sitting in a waiting bleach near the Platform 9¾. His mum was buying some cigarettes on the nearest shop. Remus could just go, run through the platform, and leave her there, unable to get through the wall and follow him. But he could never do that. He wondered if his father would, but the possible answer hurt him a bit.

That was when he saw the Black’s family, the two boys walking behind their mother, an house elf next to her, approach the platform.

He put out his cigarette on the floor and brushed his hands on his jeans.

“Hi, strangers.” His voice had changed a bit that summer.

The two boys turned to him immediately. Sirius’ eyes lit up a bit, or at least it seemed like they did. But maybe Remus had just imagined it. “Remus?”

“Remus.” Regulus smiled and stopped. Sirius stopped too.

Remus got up, he had become taller during the summer. Sirius’ eyes followed his movements.

“What’s up?”

“Regulus,” Sirius and Regulus’ mother said, her voice hard, sharp like a knife. “You know him too?”

Regulus turned to her confused. Sirius looked at the floor. “Yeah… A bit.”

“How was your summer?” Sirius ignored her, but Remus didn’t.

“My pleasure, Mrs. Black.” He reached out his hand, “I’m Remus Lupin.”

She didn’t move a muscle. “I know exactly who you are.”

"Oh, yeah?"

“How was your summer, Remus?” Sirius asked again, Remus put his hands in his pockets and smiled at him.

“Good.” He murmured. “Yours? Did you go to the Potters?”

Sirius’ eyes widened a bit, just a little bit, but Remus caught it anyway. “No. I didn’t. And you?”

You could know, if you read my letters. “Nop.”

“Rem,” his mum appeared behind him just in time and put an hand on his shoulder, “Oh, I thought you were alone. Your friends?”

“Yep.” Remus took the packs of tobacco from her hands, five packs. She was going to send him more during the year. “Regulus, the taller one. Sirius, the shorter one.”

“Oh, nice to meet you, boys.” She smiled at them, her eyes tired. “I’m Remus’ mum, Hope.”

“I’m Sirius.” Sirius shook her hand, a small smile on his lips. “It’s my pleasure.”

“Mine too.” Regulus just said, not shaking her hand, though. His mother’s hand on his shoulder, now.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Hope looked at Walburga, reaching out her hand again. “Both accompanying our little men, yeah? They’re growing so fast, aren’t they? I’m Hope, my pleasure.”

Walburga said nothing. Remus shared a look with Sirius, who immediately looked away.

“You should go now, boys.” Walburga said, putting both her hands on her sons’ shoulders. “Go.”

Sirius and Regulus obeyed, looking at the floor and never meeting Remus’ eyes. Hope squeezed Remus’ shoulder and whispered in his ear: “What an awful woman.” Remus grinned with his hand over his mouth.

*****

It seemed like Prefects had been chosen over the summer. Only Remus had gotten the letter, though. And Dorcas, who was one of the Ravenclaw’s prefects. Remus was already sick of it.

A girl had been flirting with him all dinner. She was a prefect too, apparently, and was telling him everything about it. She was one year older. Remus had already forgotten her name.

“I should go with my friends, you know.” He said, then looked up at the Head Boy. “Can I go eat with my friends now? Or there’s something else I should be aware of?”

“You can go, Remus. We’ll talk about corridors’ patrols another day. Enjoy your first night back.” Mike (was that his name?) said.

Remus nodded, but before he could get up, Mike stopped him again.

“Oh, and Remus, that’s your badge.”

Something weird happened. When Remus tried to take the red and gold badge, his hand burnt. He let the badge fall on the table.

“Sorry.” He tried to catch again, and it burnt again, but this time he ignored it. He tried to act normal. “Is that silver?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh, nothing. Just asking. Do I have to wear this?”

“When you’re patrolling, yes, all the time. You should wear it inside and outside class too, but if you forget to it won't be that much of a problem. Just try not to forget about it, yeah?” Mike smiled again. Remus found his smile pleasant to watch.

He tried to forget about the silver’s problem. Smiled too.

“Will try not to forget about it.” He then said, finally getting up. His hand was burning and burning and he wanted to let go of that small piece of silver.

“I’m sure you’ll be amazing, Remus.”

Remus watched Mike's lips moving for a moment. He smiled again. Mike’s long and brown hair covered his shoulders, and his lips were red. So red. Before reaching his friends, Remus swallowed.

“I’ve practiced all summer to become team captain.” James was saying, his mouth chewing on a chicken wing. “You think they’ll make me captain?” He now asked Sirius, who was falling asleep next to him.

“Of course they will. Why wouldn’t they?”

“I’m a bit anxious.”

“Don’t be.” Peter intervened, “I’ve literally played with you all summer, you’re the best.”

Remus sat down next to his best friends. He was pretty tired, he couldn’t wait to go to sleep, really. The ride in the train and the part of unpacking had made me dead tired. The others seemed pretty sleepy too.

“Moony, you’re alive.”

“Apparently.”

“I can’t believe you’re a prefect.” James said, “How will we do our pranks, now?”

“I’ll close my eyes if I see you doing them.”

Peter smiled bigly at him. Remus smiled back.

James then kept talking, but Remus stopped listening. He had seen Viola and Dorcas earlier. Them and the girls, Mary and Lily and Marlene, had grown up so much during the summer. Dorcas’ brown hair was longer, falling down her back till the end of her shirt. Viola’s was the same length, but she was now wearing a different type of lipstick, this one was darker and made her look older. Mary had gotten bangs. Marlene was taller and often had to wear glasses, “Especially in class” she had told him. Lily’s hair was shorter and a few black meches appeared in some points, and she had a new, crazy, piercing on her nose. It shone like the smallest bright star in a night with dark sky, it was small and round, shining on the left of her nose. Everyone was talking about it like she had done something super crazy. In fact, for non-muggles, she had.

All of them were beautiful, really.

The boys were different too. James had changed shape of glasses, this pair fitted him way more, and his hair was longer than ever, curling a bit at the end. Peter was a bit taller, not much, but his body seemed more mature, and his cheekbones were more marked. Sirius was a bit taller too, his hair longer, also seemed more black, if it made sense. His jaw had sharpened, he looked more mature. His hands were different too. His fingers longer, his veins showing off a bit. (Had they really changed or had Remus noticed them only now?) He realised that Sirius was almost sixteen. All of them were almost sixteen. Well, in six months, but almost.

All of them were hot, really.

Remus finished eating what he had in his plate and looked up, smiling a bit. He met Severus’ eyes as soon as his face turned up, the weird boy looked away immediately. Remus arched an eyebrow, wondering if Severus was really staring at him. And when the Slytherin, a minute later, looked at Remus again, he had the prove that yes, he had been glaring at him. Remus flipped him off and went back to his friends.

He encountered Sirius’ eyes for a second, but the boy lowered his face to the floor as soon as Remus met the bright blue of his pupils. They looked sad since that morning, but Remus didn't want to ask. It wasn't his thing, it was James’. Beside, when their fourth year had ended, he had thought that he and Sirius were now some kind of friends, but after five unanswered letters, he didn't know what to think anymore.

“Have I already told you that my dad gave me a polaroid camera this summer?” Peter asked them for the millionth time that night.

Remus messed up his hair. “Yeah, at least twenty times.”

*****

The lessons were starting in a week, the full moon was twenty days away, and the afternoons were still warm outside. It was a flashback of the end of the previous year. Their group was always in the garden, or sitting in the Clock Tower Courtyard, always breathing fresh air, since they could still do it.

“Where’s Emily?” Mary asked the third day. James smiled bigly.

“I saw her yesterday. Gonna meet her in ten minutes too.”

“So you’re still together?” Marlene asked, almost confused. “Like, for real?”

“Yeah.” James got up, smiling brightly. “Of course we are.”

“James’s the only one in a relationship, then?” Peter asked, his feet resting on Marlene’s legs.

“I’m single.” Mary said, looking at Remus for a second.

“All of us are.” Sirius added from his spot. James turned to him. “Beside James, of course.”

“Yay.” James smiled, “I’m the only one. And I’m going to my girlfriend now. Bye, losers.”

They rolled their eyes at him.

He came back only after dinner.

Sirius was so preoccupied that he kept looking at the map every two minutes. “He’s still in the Quidditch pitch. Emily’s downstairs in the Common Room. I don’t understand. It’s fucking dark outside, what the hell is he doing?!”

“He’s not a child.” Remus told him, sighing. He was in Quidditch pitch, probably playing, could Sirius just let him be?

“He didn't come to dinner.”

“Maybe he wasn't hungry.” Peter commented, looking up from his polaroid camera. He hadn't taken any picture yet, but he always had it with him, admiring the camera like it had changed in that second he hadn't looked at it.

“I’m going to him.” Sirius said, getting up. Remus blocked him, placed a hand on his wrist and made him stop. Sirius met his eyes.

“Don’t. Let him alone, maybe he needs to be alone.”

“You think something bad happened between him and Emily?”

Remus pursed his lips. “Don’t know, but why is he gone then?”

Sirius frowned, Remus’ hand still on his wrist. He looked down at him. He could see how worry he was by his contorted face. Remus stepped back and let go of his wrist, going to sit down in the window. The sky was really dark outside.

In the matter of minutes, James came back. Sirius got up immediately and hurried to the door, James’ eyes were wide, his hair messy.

“Mate,” Sirius sounded so worried that Remus looked away, almost like he was giving them some privacy, “What… You skipped dinner and, and what were you doing in the Quidditch pitch? What happened? You okay?”

James’ eyes became small. “Yeah, uhm, we broke up. Emily and I.” Straight to the point, James’ way. “She broke up with me. Cheated on me this summer, she said. Yeah, that’s it.”

Peter and Remus got up too, shared a look with each other.

“I hate her.” Sirius said, his hand tightening his grip around James’ arm, who shook his head and tried to speak, but Sirius interrupted him. “She’s a piece of shit. Cheat—cheated on you! What- How dare she. Bitch. I’m sorry, J. It’s shit. Sorry. I can’t believe she cheated on you! It’s shit-“

“Yeah, can you-“ James sighed, looking tired, “can you stop saying it? Can we not talk about it?” He asked to Peter and Remus, who nodded.

Remus had his hands in his pockets, his eyes fixed on James, feeling the need of hugging him. He shared a look with Peter again, then with Sirius. They didn’t move, nor said anything, so Remus just walked towards James and hugged him. The others seemed to understand and went to hug him too, the four of them standing right in front of the door. James breathed deeply on Remus’ neck, Sirius’ breath on the other side of his neck, all their breaths shared.

“I’m sorry about it.” Remus whispered to James, who just nodded. Stepping back and looking at his bed.

“Imma go to bed.”

“Of course,” Peter said, Remus put his arm around his shoulders, “I’m sorry for Emily, James.”

“Yeah… Thanks, guys. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, yes, not now. Tomorrow.”

The others, of course, nodded. Remus and Sirius shared another look, before Sirius followed James to the bathroom, where they stayed for the following ten minutes. Remus and Peter didn’t share a word, just sighs and looks. They tried to be already in bed when Sirius and James came back. Remus listened to their steps, breaths, whispered words to each other, before they both went to bed. And Remus dreamed of screams and blood.

*****

Remus woke up shaking.

His bed sheets were gone, intertwined at the end of his feet. His heartbeat fast, his breath filling the room—he thought. He sat up with his hands pressed to his chest, one of them gripping his shirt, the other on the bottom of his neck.

He breathed and breathed till his breath became normal again, his heartbeat slowed, and his hand stopped gripping hard on the fabric of his jumper.

It was a dream he had had before. A few times, that summer. He had woken up in the same conditions, the other times. And like the other times, he told himself that he just needed to breath some fresh air that night too.

Remus got up slowly, stretched his back, put on his pants, and went to the bathroom to wash his face. He didn’t dare to look in the mirror, scared that the nightmare wasn’t over yet. Washed his face a few times, each of them with cold water.

James wasn’t in their bedroom, he could feel that his scent and heartbeat were missing. Sirius and Peter were sleeping peacefully behind their curtains.

Not sure about it, since James was probably there too, Remus headed downstairs.

Of course, James was sitting down in front of the fireplace. He turned around when he heard the steps behind him. He smiled sadly at Remus. “Hi, Moony.”

“Hey.” Remus stopped behind the couch, his hands on the backrest.

James kept looking up at him. “What are you doing down here?”

Remus said nothing for a moment, unsure if tell the truth or not. He decided to, hoping that James wasn't that much in the mood to talk with him about his answer. “Had a nightmare. What about you?”

James shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep. Uhm, how late is it?”

“Don’t know. Really late, though.”

He sighed and turned to face the fire again. “Right.”

Remus went sitting down next to him on the floor, James didn't move a muscle. Even while Remus stared at his side, he didn't move.

“You okay?” What a stupid question. Remus didn't know what to say. He said stupid things when things like these happened.

James laughed softly, ironically. “Yeah, not really.”

“Yeah, sorry for the question.”

“It’s fine. Uhm, I don’t really wanna talk about it, do you mind?”

“No, of course not.”

“It’s not because you aren’t… it’s not because you’re not Sirius. I don’t wanna talk about it in general, you are not the problem. You know that, Moony?”

Remus touched his arm, smiling lightly. “Yeah, I know, J. And, I’m not the one who can oblige you to talk.” Remus looked at him. “I never talk about private things either.”

James’ eyes saddened even more, if it was possible. Maybe the phrase made him change his mind, or maybe he realised that he did want to talk about it. Either of the options, after a minute he said: “I just don’t get why people can’t love me.”

Remus felt a sharp pain in his chest. Hearing James say these things felt so out of place. Not because James didn't have the right to be sad, but because sadness looked somehow wrong on him.

“That’s not true, James.”

“It is, though. It’s just, it’s stupid, but… I don’t know what I do wrong. I don’t understand. Every girl I like. They always break my heart. You- You know I used to have a crush on Lily, but she hates me. Then all the girls I tried to hit last year, other fails. And now Emily.”

“You don’t do anything wrong. Really. We’re just fifteen, we’re stupid. Us, boys, but girls too. If they didn't see how amazing you are, it’s their loss. Don’t say that people can't love you, it’s not true.”

James almost laughed again, his smile sad. “Yeah, I know. Because I’m rich, come from a famous family, good at Quidditch and all that. I’m perfect, yeah? I can’t be sad. I can’t complain about things. I have everything I want.”

Remus sat up straight, wishing that James could meet his eyes. “I didn't mean that.” He frowned. “Of course you can be sad. I meant that, there's nothing… wrong with you, like… you know?” He was struggling to find the words. James finally looked at him. “I mean that people can love you, really, and you shouldn't think that they can’t just because it went bad this time. There’s someone for you out there. I think you are a really loveable person. Because you’re a good person. Your money and talent don't make your personality. You choose to be a good or a bad person. And you chose to be a good one.”

James smiled tiredly, his eyes shining. Then sighed, looking at the fire in front of him, his head resting on his knees, now close to his chest. “I just feel like, I have to be perfect. Like I can't give up, ever. Like I owe to be perfect to my family, and my teammates, and you. Sorry if I’m saying that, but something I need to break the always happy character or I feel like I’ll... I don't know. Explode or something.”

Remus got closer to him, didn't hug him, or touched him, just got closer, and James looked up at him again.

“We’re so stupid, aren’t we?”

James kept looking at him. “What?”

“Us teenagers. Us Marauders. We feel like we have to be strong and content and without unhappy feelings all the time. We feel like people expect us to be like this. The truth is, I learned it last year, that it’s all in our minds. It’s all in your mind, James. It’s not like people will stop loving you because you’re sad once. I won’t. Your family won’t either, Peter and Sirius won’t, your other friends won’t. You are loved, and you have the right to be sad if you need to.”

James closed his eyes, with his head still resting on his knees. A few tears came out of his closed eyelashes and Remus looked away, giving him his privacy.

“It hurts me a bit that she cheated on me.” James morphed. “Like… I feel like I’m not enough. You know? Like I’m not worth it.”

Remus put his arm around his shoulders. James' skin almost trembled. “You are worth it. You should never let someone make you think you’re not. You don't deserve this. Not in the slightest.”

“She needs more than me, I get it. I think.”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “You need more than her. You deserve someone who can love you, and can see that they need only you in their life. You’re more than enough. You are, James.”

James sniffled, Remus brushed his hair with his fingers. “You’re a good friend, Moony.”

Remus looked down at him, paralysed. His heart stopped beating for a second, then beat faster, then warmed Remus’ whole chest and body, and he just smiled lightly, looking away. In a whisper, he admitted: “Love you.”

“Love you too. Thank you for what you said.”

“Just the truth.”

“Thank you.”

James sat up and Remus’ hand fell from his hair, but his arm stayed around his shoulders. James smiled at him.

“Sorry. You wanna talk about your nightmare?”

“Oh, not really.”

“Moony.”

Remus turned to him, messed up his hair. James told him to fuck off. “Wasn’t really a nightmare, just- I’m a bit scared about the next full moon.”

“Why?”

“This summer’s ones didn't go… well.”

James frowned. “You’ll find the same peace you found last year, Moony. They’ll be better this year, yeah?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah. Yes, of course they will.”

*****

Other than his prefects’ meetings and afternoons with the Marauders, two day before the beginning of lessons, Remus went to Kettleburn’s office. It was a tradition, now, going to his office before the school year’s start.

The professor smiled up at him. “Mr. Lupin. How was your summer?”

Without asking if he could, Remus sat down in front of Kettleburn’s desk. He had been there a few times, the room never changed. Nothing changed. “Good morning, Professor. Yes, uhm, it was good. I’m afraid I didn't study that much, but I’m ready to get back to my old self.”

“I’m sure you will. Prefect, I heard. Am I right? You’re starting you study groups as well?”

Remus froze. “How- How did you know about my study groups?”

“They were quite famous, I believe. You weren't that subtle, Mr. Lupin. Not that you needed to be, I think it’s good that you make yourself available to help others. You’re one of the best students I’ve ever had, and from what I saw at the end of last year’s term, you’re really good in other subjects too. Never thought of becoming a professor when older?”

Remus almost laughed to his face. “No, definitely never thought of it.”

“You could be good at it.” Kettleburn insisted, “So, you’re starting your groups again?”

“Uhm,” Remus stretched his back, “I didn't really thought about it. I don’t think they were that useful, really. Don’t… Don’t think that I will start doing them again.”

“What a shame. Of course, it’s your choice, but I can say that I think they were actually loved.”

“Yeah, uhm. I'll think about it” He knew he wasn't going to start doing them again, but to make Kettleburn drop the subject he said: “Well, Professor, I wanted to ask you if you could help me with my badge. It's silver, and I- Yeah, it burns every time I touch it.” Something that he could do by himself, but he had to change the subject somehow, no?

"Oh, sure. Absolutely. You have it here?"

"No, I don't bring it around. When I don't need to. When I need it, I try to bear the pain."

"Oh, poor guy. I'll find you a spell that will change the silver in something else, but will still look like it."

Remus smiled. Yeah, totally something that he could've done by himself. "Thanks."

“Perfect." Professor Kettleburn smiled back. "So, you were telling me about your summer,” not really, “did you and your mum went somewhere?”

“Oh, no. We stayed in Bristol. Mum has her work, and I have my friends there, so, yeah…”

“Your dad?”

Remus stretched his back again. “Saw him just after the full moons, to medicate me.”

“Of course.”

“Talking about that,” Remus cleared his throat, “the book you gave me last year really helped me, but there was nothing that talked about healing your own self after the full moon. You know, maybe, something, a book, or someone, that knows about it?”

“Oh, let me think about it.” Kettleburn seemed to think about it, his fingers brushing his chin. Remus waited.

“Maybe your friend, Mr. Crims, could know something?”

Kettleburn’s face became serious, his back straightened and his hand fell from his chin. “Oh, I don’t think he knows, really. And, he’s stopped doing researches about this subject now.”

“You mean about werewolves? Why?”

“Mh,” Kettleburn took a deep breath, “an accident happened in May… His son died. It was terrible, he was just eleven. Was going to start Hogwarts this week.”

Remus stayed silent for a moment, paralysed in his seat. His heart hurt a bit, even if he didn't even know the poor guy. “I’m sorry for his lost. It’s terrible.”

“You know,” Kettleburn looked out the window, “you remember that you wrote to him about his observations on werewolves, and he told you that he didn’t want to give out informations about the person he had observed? Well, it was Michael, his son, the werewolf in question. Was bitten at seven by Greyback, who I’m sure you know about. Mr. Crims had never been interested in these stuff, about magical creatures, not like your dad or me, but when Michael was bitten he dedicated his whole life to this study.”

Remus was out of words. His eyes fixed on the desk’ surface, listening carefully. He couldn't help but think, another werewolf at Hogwarts? And if Michael hadn't died, what then? They were going to share the Shrieking Shack? Going to help each other? Share the same feelings? And experiences, and knowledges.

“What, if I can ask, what happened? How did he die?”

Kettleburn covered his mouth with his fingers. “What happened to you. Just, worse. And what happened to you was already bad.”

“What-“ Remus tried to meet his eyes, “What do you mean with what happened to me?”

Kettleburn looked up, his eyes open wide. “I’m talking about the night you were bitten, Remus.”

Remus kept staring at him, paralysed. He didn't even know what he was saying, could he just be fucking clear? What had happened the night he was bitten? Remus only knew that Greyback had come into his room and bitten him for no reason.

“Yes, Greyback came into my room and bit me. That’s what happened.” That was what had happened. 

“This’s what happened in Michael’s case too, for the same reason it happened to you.”

“What reason?” Remus almost got up, his chest touched the desk in front of him, his hands gripped his knees.

Kettleburn looked like he had said too much. “You don't know…”

“Know what?!”

“I shouldn't be the one to tell you.”

“Tell me what?” He asked again, now his anger growing. He gripped his knees harder. “What was the reason? Why did Greyback bite me and kill Mr. Crims’s son?”

“You can say,” Kettleburn cleared his throat, “he was angry…”

“Angry?”

“At your dad. And at Mr. Crims. They both made a mistake, Lyall did first, and Daniel did the same a few months ago. If you go against Greyback, he’ll have his revenge. It’s terrible what happened to you, first, and now to Michael, because of that… man.”

Remus’ mind was blank. The words didn't seem to make sense in his mind. He was trying to understand, but he couldn’t. It didn't make sense.

“So, Greyback bit me, because he was angry at my dad?”

Kettleburn looked out the window. “I’m sorry, Remus. I thought Lyall had told you.”

It was weird how Remus couldn't feel anything. He was sitting there, his ghost was sitting there, looking in front of him, his mind not working. His brain kept repeating ‘I could have been normal’ over and over again, and this was the only sound he heard. 'I could have been like my friends. Like everyone else.' It was like the sound of fingernails on a blackboard, it was like a scream that never ended, piercing his mind. He could have been normal, if it hadn’t been for Lyall. His father. Once again, his father.

He got up, before tears could reach his eyes, or screams his mouth.

“Remus-“ Kettleburn started, but Remus shook his head.

“No, I- I need to breath some fresh air. Sorry.”

His shoes’ taps on the floors seemed to be the only sounds in the entire castle. He met some people he knew, who greeted him, but Remus just kept walking, regulating his breath as much as he could. Someone asked him if he felt good, not an answer came. Just his shoes hitting the floor’s surface. Just this sound filling his veins.

He walked through the Gryffindor Common Room quickly, without meeting anyone’s eyes. Caught the sight of Marlene on a chair, who probably called him, but he marched towards his room almost running. The room was empty, Remus finally breathed. He wanted Peter here with him. He wanted his best friend, just Peter.

Remus stood here, in the middle in the room, breathing, his heartbeat in his ears. It was like he couldn’t move, it was all blurry. He felt anger, and hurt too. Could he feel the both of them in the same proportion?

His body was completely angry, mad and furious. He wanted to punch a wall, hit something so hard that the knuckles of his fingers would loose blood. He wanted to cover everything in his blood and then let his father see, until he was going to feel as bad as he should. Did he even feel bad? Was he even aware that he was the ruin of Remus’ life? Did he even understand it?

His mind was sad, miserable and heartbroken. It was the part that blocked him from ripping his own skin off, or throw everything he had around him. It was the part that wanted to lay in his bed and cry.

Yet, he wasn’t doing either one of the option. Wasn’t punching walls, and wasn’t crying. Just breathing.

Alone. For the next half an hour, no one came. Remus couldn't help but thought, how did I survive last year? When I was trying to push everyone away, how did I make it?

At the moment, he just wanted his best friends.

But they didn't come.

Sirius and James were placing dungbombs in the hallways, just for the fun of it, and Peter was finishing his homework in the library with Mary and Lily.

If Remus had gone to them and told them what Kettleburn had told him, they would have probably hugged him, consoled him, done everything to make him feel better. He knew they would have, but he didn't go anyway. He went to Viola, and spent the next hours smoking weed with her and Dorcas.

*****

Fifth year’s lessons started on Monday, a week after their arrive at Hogwarts.

After a few days, Remus realised that there was a way inferior number of new First years.

“It’s the war’s fault,” James was telling them one morning, while they were heading to their bedroom after their last class of the morning, “a lot of parents probably didn't want their sons to attend Hogwarts this year. Dad told me that this war’s situation is starting to become more serious. A lot of people are joining Voldemort's side. They’re scared that us, the good side, are going to loose.”

“Mary told me that her parents were scared too,” Peter said, “you know, because she’s a muggleborn and all that.”

“If Slytherins bother her, I’ll throw hands.” James said, the others agreed.

“Talking about Slytherins,” Remus looked around, “have you noticed that Snivellus is even more weird than usual?”

They entered the Common Room and walked through it, with their bedroom as their destination. Peter turned to Remus. “What you mean?”

“It seems like everywhere I go, he’s behind me. Every time I look around, I find him staring at me.”

“Weirdo.” James commented, sitting down next to Sirius on the boy with long hair’s bed. Remus sat on the window, Peter in his bed.

Sirius hadn't spoken all day. It was since they had come back from home that he was like this, Remus had noticed. For that reason specifically, he thinned his eyes and cleared his throat. “Sirius, when do you want to start our Runes sessions again?”

Sirius looked up, his eyes lost. “Uhm, I think-“ He looked away, never met Remus’ eyes. Never. “I think I can do it by myself this year. Yeah. I… I think I’ll survive.”

“Oh,” Remus nodded, “sure. Okay, then.”

“Speaking of this,” Peter said, ignoring Sirius, who went back to looking down at the floor like the conversation hadn't existed. Remus stared at him a bit longer. “Can you help Mary with History of Magic? She told me that she’s having difficulties with it.”

“Also. One of our, uhm” James shook his head, looking at Sirius out the corner of his eye, “one of my teammates told me to ask you if you could help him with Potions. He said that you’ve already helped him two years ago with your study groups and that he had found you amazing at explaining things. You think you could help him?”

“I also need help with Potions.” Peter commented.

Remus looked first at him, then at James. “I- I’ll think about it.”

“You really should start your study groups again.” James tried saying, carefully, remembering how Remus used to react the year before when they tried to mention the subject.

“I’ll think about it.” He said again, blinking fast.

“You really will?” Sirius suddenly asked, Remus was surprised to hear his voice.

He just nodded to no one in particular, then sighed. “Jesus, Pete, can you please pass me my pack of cigarettes? If I don’t smoke one right now I’m going to die.”

“You have a serious problem with cigarettes, Moony.” James commented, while Peter looked for the pack of cigarettes and threw it at Remus. “You shouldn’t smoke that much.”

“A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?”

“What the fuck are you even saying.”

“It’s Oscar Wilde.” Remus took a drag from his cigarette, inhaling slowly.

“How can you always know the right book quote in every occasion?” Peter asked, looking up at him.

Remus shrugged, “Just trying to be a interesting person.”

“Yeah, I’m sure a lot of girls find you really interesting.” Peter smirked, sharing a look with James, who grinned too.

Girls. Of course, just girls.

“Shut up.” Remus turned to the outside of the window, letting the smoke fade away in the light blue of the sky.

Peter giggled.

Remus knew that he was talked about between girls. All of them were, really. Remus just knew better because he sometimes overheard his name around in people’s mouths. Always followed by compliments, always appreciations about his appearance and looks. Never, ever, about his being smart, good with words, and the list of multiple things he could talk about from his knowledges.

He wanted to mention the thing that Kettleburn had told him, but the attention had faded away now. Later, another day, he thought. Not today.

And they went to lunch.

*****

Remus asked Kettleburn if he could go to Michael’s funeral with him.

“I’m just asking you, Remus, to not mention the thing I told you in my office days ago. And don't ask Daniel, Mr. Crims, about your father. It’s something you have to discuss with him, your father, and not a man who’s grieving his son’s death.”

Remus registered these words, but while he stood by the end of an Irish church, he couldn’t stop thinking about that small boy, Micheal, laying there, dead, killed by a werewolf. A bad, bad werewolf. Remus knew that.

But was it that only Greyback was bad, or was it a normal thing for them? Were werewolf destined to be bad creatures?

Remus sometimes thought that they were.

That he was too.

*****

Since it was the first weeks of school, the amount of study wasn’t much. Yet. And Remus spent most of his time with Viola and Dorcas, in one of Remus’ hiding places that he had shared with them, just smoking.

Peter was always with Mary, for some reason. James was always practicing with Marlene. Lily was sometimes with Mary and Peter, sometimes disappeared. Sirius was an enigma. He was nowhere, apparently. Always far. His mind in another dimension. Remus thought that he might be with Regulus, or had a secret girlfriend he was hiding from them.

Not that Remus cared.

But James was a bit worried. At the end of their second week, some days before the full moon, he talked to Remus about it.

“Sometimes I ask the map where he is and it tells me that he’s just wandering around in the castle, in some tower, or outside near the lake. He’s strange. Always answered my letters with weird responses this summer. I tried to ask him about it, but he says he’s fine.”

“At least he answered your letters,” Remus said, his shoulder leaning against the second floor’s wall, “he didn’t even reply to mine.”

It wasn’t a Sirius’ thing. It was just that Remus didn’t like being ignored. He didn’t ask for that much attention or interest from the other person, he didn’t look for the recognition. Just couldn’t stand being ignored. If Sirius had answered his letters, Remus wouldn’t have given him this much importance. He didn’t care about Sirius. And he didn’t want a praise, just a fucking knowledge. In general. Not by him. 

“Don’t know. It’s true that you two didn’t get along that well, but I thought it was better now.”

“We were both wrong.” Remus agreed.

James sighed, running an hand through his dark hair. “I swear to Merlin. Did you two organise all that? One year is you, the next is Sirius.”

Remus didn’t answer, just pushed him lightly. He was thinking, thinking. He realised that he wasn’t that interested in Sirius’ situation, really. But was forcing himself to. He was trying to act different from last year, be better, but sometimes he recognised that he was just pretending. Faking.

Maybe he wasn’t a good person after all.

“And you,” James said, looking at him, serious, “you are doing better than last year, yeah?”

Remus smiled. “What does it look like?”

“I’ve learned that you can pretend really well. No problems in having secrets, don’t you, Moony?”

Remus didn’t answer. He could have told him about the Kettleburn’s thing right in that moment, to prove James wrong, that he didn't always keep things secret, but he just coughed and looked away. Another time. When there were the others too.

Probably in order to save him from James’ last phrase, one of his teammates appeared right after that.

“Oi, mate.” He patted James’ shoulder, smiling at him. James smiled back.

“Alan, what’s up?” James turned to Remus, who was trying to recognise the boy in front of him. “Moony, that’s Alan. I was telling you about him. He needs help in Potions, yeah?”

Alan turned to Remus and their eyes met. He smiled, Remus was paralysed. “Yep. ‘Ve spent all summer panicking about the subject. I always came to your study groups, remember? I remember you were good, it’s a shame you don't do them anymore. I really need help from someone like you.”

Remus cleared his throat. That boy right here, he did remember him now, was one of these weird short boys that in one or two years grow up of five, instead. He wasn't short anymore, his hair wasn't sticking to his forehead anymore, and his face details were marked like some kind of Achilles from their days. He was extremely and shamefully hot, in Remus’ opinion.

“Yeah, don’t know if I’ll start doing them again. I- Well, if you need an hand in Potions I can help you, I guess. Just… yeah, won’t be a problem.”

“Thanks mate.” Alan smiled again, he somehow reminded Remus of Louis. “You might be saving my life, really. Slughorn probably hates me, it seems like I can’t get anything right with him.”

Remus didn't meet his eyes, and smiled to the floor. “Yeah, got it, mate. I’ll do everything I can.”

“Cheers. Thanks mate.” Pat on the shoulder.

Little awkward cough. “Yeah, ‘course.”

What. The. Fuck.

*****

“Dorcas,” Remus addressed her between a drag of cigarette and another, “how did you… Like, how did you know that you liked girls?”

Viola coughed.

They were in the two girls’ Common Room, just smoking one or two cigarettes together. The full moon was two nights away.

Dorcas grinned. “What do you mean?”

“Like,” Remus straightened his back, “I don’t know if you like just girls, or boys too, but… Yeah, how did you know you fancied girls?”

“Uhm,” Dorcas shared a look with Viola, “Viola kissed me once and I knew I liked girls more than boys. Totally don’t fancy boys, actually.”

Remus looked at Viola. “You two kissed?!”

“When we were younger,” Viola said, “first year of Hogwarts. We were, like, practicing, you know? It wasn't anything serious, of course. We didn't fancy each other.”

“Nop.” Dorcas nodded, “But I did wonder if I had a crush on her after that kiss. Then I just realised that it wasn't about her, it was about girls in general. Always been with them ever since.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t know when I really realised it, but I think it was when I tried it, yeah? I just tried going out with girls and, yeah, I liked doing it. Couldn’t even see myself with a boy, really. Like, in bed? Hell no.”

Remus nodded slowly, his gaze lost on the floor.

“Why you asking?”

He looked up. “Oh, didn't mean to annoy you, just… Wanted to know you better.”

Dorcas shared another look with Viola, who was trying not to laugh. “Yeah, right. Viola also asked me this once, and then…”

“C’mon, leave him alone.” Viola said, smiling at Remus. “Not everyone who asks you about this is having a gay crisis like I was… Unless.”

“What?” Remus stared at Viola, sure he had heard the right thing. Gay crisis. “What do you mean with gay crisis? You?”

“Yeah… It’s not like I feel like I need to tell people that I like both, you know? Just, I take it easy. I go with who I like. Don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. I’m bisexual? Well, I don't care, really.”

“Bisexual?” Remus asked, he had heard the word once, probably from Louis. And if latin wasn't wrong, the prefix ‘bi’ meant…

“Having attraction for both genders.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

Viola and Dorcas shared another look. Could they stop? Remus was feeling confused.

“Your cigarette.” Viola told him, pointing to his hand with her chin. Half of the cigarette had become ash. Remus made it fly away.

He cleared his throat, took a drag of his cigarette, looked outside.

“It’s not like I’m having a gay crisis myself.”

“That’s what I said.” Viola replied, sitting next to him and handing him a new cigarette, since his was almost finished.

“Okay.” He inhaled, still looking outside. “But,” he turned to Viola, who was still trying not to smile. Remus rolled his eyes. “But, it might have happened that a few times I found a boy… attractive.”

It was weird saying it out loud. It was weird letting it get out of his mind and tell other people.

“Right,” Viola nodded, “it’s not that strange. I mean, your friends are gorgeous, I hope you’re not blind.”

“I didn't find them attractive, it was… Other… Boys.”

“What a pity,” Dorcas commented from her spot on the floor, “I was rooting for you and Peter.”

“Oh my God, no. Not my friends. Fuck’s sake. And, I don't know if, like… I don't see how…” He cleared his throat, stretching his back and neck. “I mean, I can say that they're good looking. Okay. I just… I don't know if I can see myself, like, doing… Things, with them. Like, kissing, or, you know.”

Before the two girls could comment, he added: “I mean, I do find some boys attractive. Yes. Like I find some girls attractive. Not all of them. But I don't find all girls attractive either. I just find some people attractive, yes. But, like, I don't know what to see, if I imagine a boy instead of a girl.”

“That’s because you don't have to imagine a boy instead of a girl. You have to imagine the boy as a boy. Yeah?” Dorcas said, her eyes following distractedly the movements of a fly around her.

“I don’t get it.” Remus said, “I don’t know… How to understand that.”

“What do you do when you can’t understand something?” Viola asked him.

“Read a book about it?”

Dorcas grinned from the floor. “Yeah, don't think you can do that in this case.”

Viola moved a curl of his hair that was falling in his forehead behind his ear. “Have you ever read, like, Maurice? By Forster?”

“Don’t think I did.”

“You could read it. Rubyfruit Jungle too, but this one’s about lesbianism. Mh, maybe another one about boys… Giovanni’s Room is good, a bit tragic, but you could read it as well. It’s… Just like reading a normal love story, but this time it’s two boys.”

“I don’t usually read love stories.” Remus complained, but mentally annotated the name of the books. “Okay. I can try.”

“Have you ever read The Profundis? I know you like Oscar Wilde.”

“No, honestly not.”

“You know Oscar Wilde was homosexual, right?”

Remus stared at her in silence.

“Like, you didn't catch Basil’s crush on Dorian during the whole book? Who’s so obsessed with someone’s beauty if they don't have a crush on them?”

“But…”

“And do not tell me that you thought that Patroclus and Achilles were just friends.”

Remus kept staring at her, shocked and confused. “But the book says nothing about them being-“

“I mean, Achilles went crazy because he loved Patroclus dearly just as a friend? And their ashes were literally mixed together. Achilles demanded them to be mixed. I’d ask to have my ashes mixed with my lover’s ones, wouldn't you? Or would you rather have your ashes mixed with the Marauders?”

“I’d rather being buried. And I wouldn’t mix my ashes, if this was the case, thank you very much.”

“Right.” Viola waved him off. She covered her forehead with her hand. "I even made you read The Symposium. Jesus." She shook her head. “You just have your brain filled with seeing heterosexuality everywhere. Which is normal, that’s what everyone tell us, our whole life. That’s why you don't understand.”

“So?” Remus insisted, he didn't want to smoke anymore. Or talk. Just lay down in his bed and die there. “What should I do?”

“Just try,” Dorcas answered simply, “and see what you like.”

“Try being with a boy?”

“Yeah.”

Remus lifted his head and looked up at the ceiling, breathing slowly. “I can’t do that. People can't keep secrets. Last year I slept with a girl once and her friends talked about it around school for a week or more. What if I go with a boy and he tells around? My friends can’t know about this. I don’t know how they’ll reach. And I don't wanna think about it.”

“Remus,” Viola’s voice was calm, soothing too. “Have you ever heard about gay people here at school? If a girl hooks up with the Remus Lupin, of course she will tell around and brag about it. I don’t think gay people would do the same, it’s like being a muggleborn for a Slytherin. You get that? Like you’re afraid to tell your friends, other gay people are probably afraid too. Society sucks.”

“It was different,” he turned to Dorcas, her eyes on them, her mouth closed in a line. “I mean, it was different for you, after people found out that you were with a girl?” He had never noticed it, really. He was genuinely asking.

She smiled softly. “Yeah, it was. Especially in the Quidditch team. I am a girl, first of all, and also a lesbian. And black. Thank God I’m a pureblood, or I’ll probably be the description of all the bad characteristics someone can have.”

Viola smiled at her. “You’re really brave, D.”

Remus nodded. “You are. Really. I don’t think I would ever have your courage.”

“You would,” Dorcas smiled, “if you really believed in something.”

*****

Remus opened his eyes slowly, the bright light hurting his weak pupils. Like seeing an explosion from near, his sight hurt. He closed his eyes immediately after. Someone moved beside him. Sirius. It was Sirius.

“Madam Pomfrey,” the boy whispered, “he’s awake.”

“Oh, is he?”

Remus tried to open his eyes again, the two figures in front of him were blurred. He had to blink a few times.

“Oh, my sweetie.” Madam Pomfrey kissed his forehead, “How are you feeling?”

He looked first at her and then at Sirius, confused. His throat hurt.

“What happened?”

Sirius looked at the floor, he was the only one here. Where was Peter? And James? They always visited him after a full moon.

“Don’t talk if it hurts,” Madam Pomfrey told him, her eyes tired, “just lay down there.” She touched his shoulder. “Like this, do you feel something hurting, honey?”

He shook his head, even if his leg and hip seemed on fire. It felt like someone had sit on them for hours. He even thought about asking Sirius if he had.

“The others are gone getting you some dinner.” Finally, the boy with black long hair talked. “They’ll be here soon, I think.”

“Dinner?”

He saw two plates behind his bed, resting abandoned on the night stand. His breakfast and his lunch. Now that he realised, it was dark outside. The room was dark.

“You…” Sirius kept looking at the floor, “You slept all day.”

“Why?” He turned to Madam Pompey, who was massaging his hair slowly.

“It’s been a rough moon, sweetie, I believe. You… You weren't kind to yourself. I tried to medicate your leg the best I could, but I think it still needs some cures. Your cuts were fine to medicate, like every other time, but your hands…”

For the first time, Remus thought about his hands. He couldn't fell them, zero, like he didn't even have them. When he brought them up to his face, he gasped.

His hands, both of his hands, were completely banded. From his wrist to his pinky. Every finger was covered in white, a dirty white, that let traces of red came to his sight. Blood. Not only because Remus could feel it in his throat, but because it was the reason of his suffering. He remembered a cold surface against his knuckles.

“What…”

“You tried to escape. You actually took down the door of the room you were staying in, but you couldn't escape from the house. You broke a few things around. The piano too. I’m sorry, sweetie. I told McGonagall about it, she said that in a few weeks it’ll probably be fixed. Some parts are missing, I think you just… Destroyed them. Destroyed them to sand.”

Remus met Sirius’ eyes, who, of course, didn't dare to look at him. He looked away, like every other time Remus had tried to met his gaze. Even in this situation, he couldn't give Remus some comfort.

“Do you feel fine?” Madam Pomfrey asked again, he hadn't heard her the first time.

“Have I just slept all day?”

“I gave you something to make your pain hit less. You couldn't even open your eyes this morning when I took you here.”

Remus heard Sirius’s heart going faster. He immediately turned to him. Sirius was still looking down, didn't know that Remus could feel his heart beating, and his fast breath.

A few minutes later Peter and James arrived, they both hugged him carefully. Remus saw his bended hands over their shoulders, white spots gripping at nothing and everything at the same time. Sirius still avoided his eyes, avoided talking, he just sat there.

Go away, Remus wanted to say. If you don't wanna be here, go away.

Remus looked at them for a moment, he had just finished his dinner, Madam Pomfrey was letting them alone for a while.

“Why do you think,” Peter sighed, “that this happened?”

“What?”

“You… Destroying yourself.”

James rubbed the back of his neck, they all looked worried. Remus hadn't had the time to ask himself that question yet. He now thought about Peter’s words.

“I-“ don’t know, he was about to say, but stopped. A thought floated in his brain. Just lay there. He looked at his friend, petrified.

“What?!” Peter asked, his eyes wide, alarmed.

“I think that I’m… Angry.”

They looked at him, because, of course. What else could they do?

“What?” Asked Peter, and at the same time James asked: “Why?”

Remus wanted to cover his face with his hands, but oh, he couldn’t. His hands hurt just by laying on the bed.

“Uhm, I talked with Kettleburn last week, my Care of Magical Creature’s professor. And, I discovered something he shouldn’t have told me. I wish he didn’t tell me. My mind’s… Fucked up, you know, since he told me.”

“What? What was it?” Peter asked, sitting up straight, his complete attention on Remus. “Something bad?”

Remus looked at every one of them, pressing down the urge to just run away and close in himself. He couldn’t even get up, if he wanted. He was obliged to stay there. And he had Sirius’ attention too now, Remus held their eye contact a bit longer.

“I don’t know if I ever told you how, uhm, what happened the night I was bitten. Yeah, it’s not a long story. Just, I don’t know where we used to live when I was a child, we moved to Bristol after they bit me. Greyback’s the name of the werewolf that bit me. I was five years old, sleeping in my room, literally doing nothing else, just sleeping. He came in and bit me. I don’t remember his face, how he looked, because my father erased the memory from my mind.

I don't know if he was trying to kill me, but was stopped by my father, or if his intention was to make me a werewolf. I-“ A shiver shook his body for a second, or maybe he just imagined it. “When I was little, I used to think that my da- father shouldn't have saved me that night. I wanted to die. I mean, I preferred death over… Whatever happened to me once every month. I was never, uhm, grateful to my father. I never… Understood why my mum never told that I should have been. Grateful. Like, she never told me that he had saved my life and that I had to be grateful for that. I never really understood.

I never asked why. My father always told me that Greyback had just come in my room and bitten me. My mum didn't like to talk about it, I never asked her anything. I think she’s a bit scared of this world, the Wizarding World. I never talked to her about it, always tried not to. I never needed to know more. More than that version. That Greyback just bit me. If- If I had been more smart, I would have understood earlier that it didn't make sense. It was nothing. It was the merest explanation I could have receive. I just… Accepted it.”

“It was not that?” James asked carefully, his eyes getting lost in Remus’ ones, that moved to everything around him, except his friends.

“It was that. Yes. I- I just never really thought that there was a reason why Greyback bit me.”

“You were just five…”

“Yeah, I was just five. And I didn’t know that it was my father’s fault if Greyback has bitten me. Don’t know what he did, but I suppose he went against Greyback, who then took his revenge.”

“On you?!” James asked, his voice almost a whisper.

Remus cleared his throat, looking at the ceiling. “Yeah.”

“Fucking shit.” Peter commented, “So you wouldn’t be a werewolf if Greyback wasn’t mad with your dad?”

The words just pronounced made Remus suffer, that was the truth. He had thought about them all past weeks, let them fill his brain, made a hole in his mind, until he had felt the end of the well and the echo of the dirty water.

“You were just five…” James said again.

“Yeah, I was just five, son of a man who made the wrong decision and challenged the wrong person. Who took his revenge on me, that night, for one of my father’s mistakes. He was angry at him, and ruined my life. Didn’t even ended it, he imprisoned me here, in this never ending hell, that haunts me every month, because of him. My father.”

Everything was quiet. His friends’ hearts, and breaths. Not because they were slow, but because Remus couldn't hear them. His own heartbeat filling his ears loudly. It was deafening like silence. Like isolation. The world had stopped spinning.

It was in slow motion: James closing his eyes, covering his face with his hands; Peter’s mouth open, abandoned, his eyes fixed on the end of Remus’ bed, he covered his lips with his fingers; Sirius turned to the other side, his hand on his chest, just there, his face hidden.

Remus looked at his own hands, listened to his breath, was enveloped by the screaming silence, then looked up at his friends.

“I’m a bit angry, I think. I- Yes.”

“You…” James started, Peter was too petrified to talk, “You didn't deserve it. It wasn't your fault. You… It’s not right.”

Remus shrugged. “That’s how it went, I’m afraid.”

“You didn't deserve that.” Peter said loudly, “You didn’t. For someone else's fault, no. You…”

“I’m here, I guess.” Remus smiled at them sadly, Sirius turned to him in that moment. “Paying for someone else’s choices.”

“I… I think I’m going to throw up.” Sirius just said, storming out of the curtains’ walls that were around Remus’ bed.

Peter threw himself on Remus, his face on his chest, and maybe cried, Remus didn't know. James just looked at him, his hand over his mouth, shaking his head.

They kept going on with ‘sorry’s, ‘you didn't deserve it’, ‘it’s not fair’, ‘you were just five’. Remus told them that he was tired and wanted to sleep, and Madam Pomfrey told them that he needed to rest.

Peter wanted to stay with him. Sleep in a chair, next to him. All night. Madam Pomfrey gently told him that Remus would've been fine, that he could see him again in the morning. Remus didn't know that she had, in fact, heard what he had told his friends. And she had held back tears. Until he fell asleep. Then, she finally let out a sob.

Her son.

*****

Remus went back to his bedroom the day after, on a Monday. But Madam Pomfrey told him to stay in bed for at least another day.

He just lay in bed, kept a book floating in front of his eyes, and read. His fingers hurt even when he tried to turn the papers. His friends were taking their lessons, then came back and sat there with him. Almost forgot that they had to go to lunch. Then brought him his plate, full of everything, and stayed with him again. James was about to skip practises on Tuesday, to stay with Remus. Who, of course, told him to go.

He told his friends he wanted to sleep, it was the only thing that could make them go outside and leave that room. Remus had pretended to fall asleep, that Tuesday, and heard how slowly his friends had gotten up and, silently, to not wake him up, gotten out of the room. Then, when they were gone, Remus had opened his eyes and lay there. Brought a book near him and read a bit. Not able to do anything else. Not even his homework.

The others had been gone for an hour now, he was in the middle of the second book of the Ars Amatoria by Ovid, when Sirius entered the room. Without dedicating a glance in Remus’ direction, he went straight to his bed and threw himself in it, face on the pillow. He lay like this for a minute or more, then sat up, took a deep breath and looked up at Remus’ bed, where he found the boy already staring at him.

“Jesus, you’re awake.”

Remus closed the book, faking a yawn. “Oh, yeah, just woke up. Maybe I’ve slept too much in these days and my body can’t afford to sleep more than one hour now.”

Sirius said nothing, just nodded. Now he seemed a bit embarrassed. Always looked like it when he was around Remus.

“Do you… Want me to leave?”

“No, no. Of course you can stay, it’s your room.”

“I just wanted to rest a few minutes.” Sirius declared, like he was defending himself from accusations that had never come.

“Sure. Go on.”

“Right.” He looked around, still embarrassed. “Uhm, I’m going to pull the curtains.”

Before Remus could say something else, Sirius’ curtains hid the boy behind them and Remus was alone again. Just accompanied by the sound of another breath in the room.

Sirius wasn't sleeping, Remus knew it. He tried to just read, ignoring his presence there. But it was making him angry, and he couldn't get up and leave. He had to tolerate it.

Until he heard himself saying, out loud, sure that Sirius could hear him: “Sirius, are you mad at me or something?”

There was silence for a long moment, maybe Sirius was pretending to be asleep, but after a minute his head popped out the bed’s curtains.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Right.”

“Why are you asking me that?”

Remus thinned his eyes. “You avoid me like I have some contagious plague or something.”

Sirius fully opened his curtains and sat on his bed, looking at Remus from the other side of the room. “I didn’t think…” He didn't finish the sentence.

Remus shrugged, looking away. “It’s fine. Was just making sure you didn't hate me, I guess.”

Sirius swallowed, he was trying not to let his eyes, or any of his face’s features talk for him. “I thought we stopped hating each other, like, last year.”

“I never hated you.”

“I know, I know. You don’t believe in hate, I know.” Sirius said, in a way that irritated Remus.

“You know that I believe in these words when I say them, yeah?”

Sirius looked up almost guiltily. “Yeah. I just don't get… I don't get how you can be so sure of it. Like, how can you not hate your dad after everything he had done to you? Or the werewolf who bit you when you were just five. How can you not… Hate them?”

Remus pulled himself up to sit, his back straight against his headboard. He cleared his throat. “If I hated them, I’d end up being like them, you get it? And then I’d hate myself, which is worse. My mum always tried to make me feel good about myself. I don’t completely do, but that’s the only thing that I don’t want to make her go through. Me, hating myself.”

Sirius’ face changed in some way, but Remus didn't know what exactly had changed. “It’s your idea, or your mum taught you to think that?”

“My mum always told me that hate didn’t exist. When I was little I thought that hate didn’t exist either. Now of course I know it does, I just- I let it walk around me without… Touching it. It’s just a thing that I don’t want in my life. I’ve always tried to stay away from it, even if it seemed to follow me everywhere.”

“And now,” Sirius hesitated for a moment, but he seemed sure of what he was going to say, “like, with your dad, after what you found out… Your feelings for him have changed?”

Remus almost smiled, the answer was obvious, wasn't it? “Yeah. I mean, of course. I can’t” or don’t want to “tell you how I feel exactly. It’s difficult to… You know. But, I don’t believe that hate’s a feeling. Like, it’s not an emotion, of course, but… I think it’s an idea, somehow. A choice. Not something that happen to you because it just happens. I think you choose if you hate something or not.”

“And it’s a choice you don't want to make?”

“I already made my choice.”

Sirius stared at him from afar, Remus thought he wasn't going to say anything else. But he did.

“I don’t know how you can be so clever at only fifteen.”

This surprised Remus. It caught him off guard, left him stunned. With a strange feeling in his stomach, he just said: “Thank you.”

“I- About what you said earlier, I don’t hate you, by the way. Of course… I don’t. I used to, I can admit that, but I don’t think I really, like… Hated you. I just, looked up to you, somehow. And was ashamed of it. Because in my mind, back then, you weren’t… Like, worth it. You weren’t rich or a pureblood. If James was better than me, it was fine. But- I couldn’t stand you, being better than me.”

Remus didn't say anything at first, they had had this conversation before. Remus had already told him what he thought.

Sirius looked at him. “I think it’s not about realising who’s better than who. I think it’s about realising that-”

Remus waited, but nothing came.

“What?”

“Realising that no one’s like you.” Sirius hurried to explain himself, “I mean, I used to hate that you had things that I thought I didn't have. But I never thought that you’re also… A strong person. I never thought about the bad things that had happened to you, I could just see that people liked you better than me. I’ve learned that you’re my friend, does it make sense? I don’t think you’re against me.”

“No, surely not.”

“Good. Yes, good.”

There was silence again, both didn't know what to add anymore.

Remus, almost in a whisper, asked: “Then why you didn't answer my letters?”

Sirius got up to take one of Peter’s chocolate frog. “What?”

“This summer. You didn't answer my letters.”

“I did. But at some point you stopped writing.”

“Yeah, because you weren't answering.”

“I answered you. You told me about the Iliad, that was the last letter.”

Remus frowned, Sirius was closer to him now, still standing beside Peter’s bed. “That’s not true.”

“What?”

“That wasn't the last letter I sent you. I wrote you fiv- I wrote you again.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is.”

Sirius got more closer again. “I- It’s not true. I never received them.”

“I did send them. You received them, I’m sure of it.”

“I didn’t.”

“You did.”

“No, seriously. I didn't. I- I was waiting for them.”

Remus shrugged. He did feel better now that Sirius hadn't answered him because he hadn't seen his letters, and not because he was avoiding him. Why he had avoided him all month was still a mystery, but it wasn't like Remus’ life depended on Sirius Black that much. (Not yet.)

“I wanted to read them.” Sirius said again, bringing Remus back to reality. “I thought you had just stopped writing.”

“It’s not a big deal. It was nothing important.”

“I wanted to read them.”

Remus didn't add anything else, didn't know why Sirius was making such a big deal of it.

“I read The Iliad.” Sirius told him, and, without his permission, sat on his bed, beside Remus’ legs. “I asked you why Achilles made you think of me. I never got your answer.”

“I don’t know, I thought of James with Odysseus, astute and clever, Penelope could be his Emily. That didn’t turn out well. Peter, or myself, with Patroclus. And you with Achilles. I don't know.”

“You’re Achilles.” Sirius said, looking at the window beside Remus’ bed. “Brave, strong, meant to be someone one day. And irritable. And with anger issues too.” Sirius made a small smile, didn't mean to offend him.

“I thought of you for those characteristics.” Remus said, and it was kind of true. Also beautiful, he wanted to add now. He didn't know if something had happened to Sirius during the summer, but Remus stopped to look at him in that moment. And realised how beautiful the boy was. In the real meaning of the word.

Sirius was beautiful.

There was a difference, Remus knew there was. He was aware that he himself was good-looking. People fancied him, yes, but not because he was the prototype of beauty. He had curly hair, a scar that people seemed to find cool right in the middle of his face, he was tall, and dressed in a way that people seemed to like. He was that.

But Sirius was the prototype of beauty. His face had no imperfections: his lips, nose, eyes, were all put in the right place, in the right size. His long hair fell softly around his face, and no one wore it like him. Some other boys at school had long hair, but no one wore long hair like Sirius did. It was his thing. And he was tall too, not as tall as Remus, but still tall enough for people’s likes. He still dressed in a outdated way, in Remus’ opinion, in a rich way. But it didn’t really matter. His face was so beautiful that it didn’t matter.

He didn't know if Sirius had always been this stunning. Had he only just noticed?

“I’m probably Patroclus more.” Sirius said, “You’re Achilles. Fits you more.”

Remus wanted to reply, say that it was the contrary, but what Viola had told him about Achilles and Patroclus being lovers made him close his mouth and turn away. His cheeks pink. Remus never blushed.

“Maybe we’re not Achilles and Patroclus.”

Sirius laughed. “Yeah, you wouldn't go crazy if I died.”

Remus looked at him. “We’re just Remus and Sirius.” He said, almost seriously. Sirius became serious too.

“Yeah, guess we’re just that.”

After a moment of silence, Remus asked: “Friends again?”

Sirius turned to him, his eyes got lost for a second, his brain left his body, then he nodded slowly. “Yeah, friends again.”

Chapter Text

SIRIUS

I remember breaking your trust once. 

I remember things that I hate to remember. How I hurt you. How I lost you, twice. How there’s been a time when you hated me. And probably you do now too.

I remember your smile too. Your beautiful smile. The different colours your eyes wore when the sun changed, how your voice altered during the years, how your body grew under you. Your face close to mine, your smell of cigarettes and apple, your hands on my body, delicate and always gentle. Your breath behind my neck. Your fingers intertwined with mine. Books’ phrases you quoted out of nowhere. The music you created on the piano’s keys. The feelings I had for you, and only you.

The fact that you were mine. That we were meant for each other.

I don’t know if that’s true, though. Maybe I’m not made for you. Maybe you deserve someone else, surely you do.

But you are made for me, that’s what I’m sure of. Always been, always will.

Ophelia; Millais (1851-52)

*****

It couldn’t go on like this.

It couldn’t.

Sirius had spent all September avoiding him, all month. He had spent almost all the time with Marlene, or alone, turning his brain off. And now, after one talk with him, everything was gone. One fucking talk.

It couldn't keep going. Remus had to leave his mind. He had decided that no, he couldn't fancy Remus. No, he didn't fancy him. Of course he didn’t. Why did he even think that in the first place? Nop. No such thing.

Now, Sirius was with Marlene in his bedroom. One hour before, he had gone downstairs to finish his last painting. He was inspired that day. (He didn't want to admit to himself that the talk he had had with Remus two days before was the reason of that inspiration.) Then, once done, he had come back inside with the intention of going in his room and scream into the pillow, but had met Marlene before reaching the boys’ dormitory.

He had invited her in his room. Now he was seating on his bed, while she was writing the end of an essay. And Sirius decided that she was pretty. Well, she was, but he had never felt attracted to her.

Now he was. Of course he was. She was nice, had beautiful blond hair and a pretty face. She was funny, yes, and had an amazing personality. While she kept writing, he looked at her with his eyes thin. Yes, she was pretty. Decided.

“Why are you starring at me?”

Sirius cleared his throat. It was weird, but it had to be done.

“Just because you’re beautiful.”

Marlene looked up confused, her eyebrow twisted. She broke out in a small laugh. “Are you high or something?”

“What? I can’t say that you’re beautiful?”

“Sirius, you need something?”

The only thing I need, is to stop thinking about the tall boy that shares the room with me and smell of cigarettes and apples, whose smile makes my stomach hurts and whose voice keeps singing in my mind all day.

“Why do you have to think such thing?”

“Pff.” She snorted, going back to her essay. Sirius sat there, looking at his feet, thinking. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do, or say, or what he was even thinking.

The thing was, in the morning he had helped Remus with his hands’ bandages. And yes, just touching his hands, for multiple seconds, had made Sirius’ skin shiver under his shirt.

When he had seen Remus that first day at the train station in London, there had been two feelings inside of him. Well, three.

At first, extreme happiness. Sirius had tried all summer not to think about him, but when his eyes had met the other boy’s, it had been inevitable that his reaction would be this.

Then, since he had tried all summer not to think about Remus, repression. He had put all the feelings that he felt for the boy aside. Had tried to hide in the back of his mind, stomach, and heart those feelings. Where they deserved to be. Away, repressed.

Lastly, dread. Because his mother was beside him. Her breath, so far from him, seemed so near to his neck, over him, covering his whole body.

The dread and the fear had gone away when he had arrived at Hogwarts. But the happiness and the repression were still there. Happiness, of course, behind the repression. Hidden in there, somewhere in the back. And never in front of others. Especially, not in front of Remus.

And the letters. Sirius had spent almost two months, believing that Remus was ignoring him, didn't care to hear from him, and didn't want to tell him anything. The thought had helped him not to think about him. He had tried to convince himself that he liked girls, during the summer. The photos of naked women that he had on his walls stared at him, and he stared back at them. Put an hand in his boxers, and kept looking at them. He came once, after a few tries, then gave up. Had tried to imagine Mary or Marlene, but nothing. (He hadn't picked up Lily and Viola for obvious reasons.)

He once came thinking of David Bowie, something he was ashamed to admit, actually. Then he realised something. The problem was girls in general. And he had come to a compromise. He fancied boys. Not Remus.

It wasn't a great compromise. Liking boys wasn't right either.

So, repression. Isolation. He had avoided Remus and his feelings for him. Quitted their Runes lessons, spent his free time with Marlene, painted alone, and most important rule, never met Remus’ eyes. Or it was over. He knew it. (In fact, it now was over, for real. He was aware of it. But... Repression. As long as he could.)

Oh, and the thing that Remus had told them about his father. When his friends suffered, Sirius’ heart broke. When Emily had broken up with James, Sirius' heart: broken. Remus’ dad ruining his life, heart: broken. He really did throw up that night, when Remus told them the whole story. It was then that he realised that he could avoid Remus as much as he wanted, it didn't matter. Remus was Remus.

“So?” Marlene’s voice brought him back to reality, he looked up at her.

“What?”

“Why did you want me here?”

“You're here almost every afternoon. And… I wanted to spend time with you.”

Marlene put her back against the headboard, yawning. “Okay. You wanna go outside, maybe? I think Dorcas and Viola are there.”

“Why don’t we stay here… just… the two of us?” Sirius asked, trying to look at her. Oh God, girls. Why couldn't they just be boys? It would be so much easier for Sirius.

“What do you wanna do here?”

“Do you wanna listen to some music?”

Marlene got up, walked out of the room, left Sirius confused, but then came back. With a small radio in her hands.

Sirius took it. “How does that work? You know that I have some records, right?”

Marlene took it back from his hands. “Yeah, I know. This is a radio. I don’t know how it works, but it plays music. The songs she chooses. Here.”

“She?”

“Yes.”

The radio started playing, there was a song that Sirius didn't know, the sound wasn't loud.

“And you can’t change song?”

Marlene shook her head. “Nop. I think these are Fleetwood Mac. You know them?”

Sirius hadn't listened to them, but he did know that “Remus doesn't like them.” 

“I think they’re good.”

The song had romantic lyrics. Sirius didn't like it that much, but he listened to the words. And chose that exact moment.

He turned to Marlene, who was listening to the song too, glaring at the radio. Sirius nodded to himself, it was the right thing to do, and put his fingers under Marlene’s chin. She looked up at him, and he moved closer, until his lips fell on hers.

For a second. Just enough time for him to close his eyes and feel Marlene’s lips under his, then she backed off, her eyes wide open.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Sirius stared at her. “Kissing you?”

“Why?!”

They looked at each other, both of them confused. Sirius chose carefully the words. “Because… I like you?”

She almost laughed. Her finger passed over her lips, cleaning them. Ouch. “No, you don’t.”

Sirius stared at her again. “I’m the one who decides if I like you or not.”

“You don’t like me.” She said again.

He rolled his eyes. “I might like you.”

“Yeah. But you don’t like me. And I don’t like you. So don’t do that again.”

“Oh God, it was that bad?”

“What was bad? Your attempt in kissing me? Yeah. Don’t do this with other girls.” She shook her head, smiling to herself.

“Hey!” Sirius crossed his arms to his chest. “I know how to hit on… Girls. Thank you very much.”

“Oh, I’m sure you do. That’s why you’re so desperate that you tried to kiss me.”

Sirius’ mouth flew open. “I’m not desperate! I just... really like you!”

She hit his arm. “Right. All of a sudden you like me.”

“Why don’t you like me?”

Marlene’s face became more serious. Just a bit. “You’re not my type.”

“Oh, c’mon. Why?!”

“Sirius, you don’t like me, stop it.”

“Okay, fine.” Sirius closed his eyes. He was surrendering. “I don't fancy you. But I could, though." He didn't want to open his eyes. He had to think of something. If it couldn't be Marlene, then... "Okay, tell me someone who fancies me. I know you know some names.”

Marlene snorted and brought her knees to her chest, grinning. “You're really desperate, I told you. And, this question’s really stupid.”

“Just answer!” Sirius had no time for that. If Marlene didn't want to be his girl, fine. But he needed a girl. No matter who. Or how. He needed a girl soon. Immediately!

“Every girl fancies you.”

Sirius’ face fell. That was not... “That’s… That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is. Remus did his glow up last year and everyone was mad for him, now it’s your turn. You’ve always been good looking, but now you’re hot. And everyone’s horny. Just look around. A lot of girls fancy you. You’re the diamond of the season.”

“I look the same as last year.”

“Ha. You’re blind if you really think so.”

Sirius looked away. He had let his hair grow more, now his shoulders were touched by black ends. He might had grown up a bit in stature too. Nothing more.

“Then why you don’t like me?”

“You’re not my type.” Marlene said again, hasty. “And I’m not that horny like everyone else is. Like you are.”

Sure, Marlene. I'm so horny that if I think about touching a girl, I feel like throwing up. But if I do think about a certain boy, then I might be... “Why do you think that I am horny too?” 

“The conversation we’re having.”

He huffed, rolling his eyes. “So what? I’m almost sixteen. It’s normal that I want to hook up with, er, girls. You shouldn’t make me feel ashamed of it.”

“I’m not. Just don’t try to kiss me again. And I’m not going to tell you names of who fancies you. Notice it by yourself.”

“Fine!” Sirius sighed exasperated. “I’m not going to kiss you again, that’s for sure.”

“Thank God.”

“Do you fancy someone or what?" He didn't understand why she was making everything so difficult. "Remus? Peter? James?!”

Marlene took her own defence. “Why do you have to assume that I like someone? Or that I have to like one of your friends? First, you're not the only boys in school. And second, I can live without making my life depends on boys, you know? Actually, it’s much better. What do I need a boy for? Put his dick inside me and break my heart after it? Nah. I’m fine.”

He decided to ignore the part about his friends. Of course they were the only relevant boys in school. Everyone wanted to be with them. “We can have feelings too, you know. We don't only… want to fuck.”

“Isn’t that what you want to do?”

Sirius grunted, he didn't count. If only she knew.

“I have… another problem. I need a girl. You can’t… understand.”

“Yes, your problem’s called ‘hormones’.”

“You-“ Sirius stopped, didn't add anything else. Of course, he couldn’t. She couldn't understand. (Or could she? Maybe Marlene was going through the same thing he was? A gay crisis and a crush for her best friend? If only he knew.)

“I have Quidditch practice in ten minutes.” Marlene told him, getting up. She seemed calm. Their conversation hadn't bothered her that much. She was fine.

“Yes.” Sirius got up too. “Sorry for the kiss.”

“’s fine.”

“You’re my friend.”

“Yeah, you are too.”

Sirius smiled. “Good.”

“Don't smile.”

“Right, right." Oh God. "Bye Marls.”

She watched him for a moment. “Yeah, bye.”

*****

Sirius realised that what Marlene had said was true.

The snogging thing had already started the year before. But now it wasn't just kissing anymore. It was touching the other’s body, getting as close as possible. It was obvious. Everyone was doing it. 

Sirius still remembered Remus and that girl at the end of the previous year. And he also thought that it probably wasn't the first time that Remus had had sex, he had been with Viola for months. James had been with Emily. Lily with Liam. Mary with whatever that Remus’ double was. She had been smart, though. Maybe Sirius could do the same thing, if he couldn't have the real Remus. Took the double.

His theories about all his friends having sex beside him was debunked by James himself some nights later. It was the end of September.

“Don’t you ever get the feeling that everyone has had sex beside you?” James asked from his bed. He was playing with his golden snitch between his fingers. Throwing it in the air and catching it, while he was lying upside down, his head at the end of the bed and his feet against the wall over his headboard.

Peter sighed from his spot on the floor, his head abandoned on his bed, his legs stretched out in front of him. “All the time.”

Sirius took the opportunity to ask what he was wondering. “You and Emily never had sex?”

James stopped the snitch and held it close to his face. “No. I mean, I wanted to, but she didn’t. So I respected that, of course.”

“But she fucked that boy this summer, didn’t she?” Peter commented. He put his hand in front of his eyes, now thinned, and pretended to have James’ snitch between his fingers.

“Don’t remind me, Pete. Asshole.”

”Me or her?”

”Both.”

Sirius turned to Remus, who was listening the conversation from his spot on the window, his hands crossed and abandoned on his stomach. His legs bent and his feet on the wall, he was trying to move a curl away from his forehead just with the movement of his head.

Maybe to see his reaction, or to bring him into the conversation, Sirius said: “Remus doesn’t get that feeling. That everyone has had sex beside him. Don’t you, Remus?”

Remus turned his attention to them, to Sirius. “Yeah… No.”

James snorted. “Because he’s a lucky bastard.” He turned to Sirius and Peter, “What about you, losers?”

“You’re a loser too, then.” Sirius told him, his eyes not leaving Remus.

James snorted again. “Whatever. When are we going to have sex, boys?”

"Together you mean?" Sirius smirked.

”Stop being a dickhead. You know what I mean.”

Peter looked up at Remus, who now met his eyes. “How is it, Moony? Sex.”

Remus cringed, he looked up at Sirius and James. “What kind of question is this…”

“C’mon. Tell us. It’ll stay between us Marauders.” Peter insisted.

A long breath escaped from Remus’ lips, he closed his eyes. “How do you think it is? It’s good, obviously.”

James sat up, he grinned at Peter, his snitch now abandoned on the bed. Sirius followed everyone’s movements with his eyes, but were more focused on Remus.

“More details?” James then asked.

“No.”

“Ohh, c’mon. C’mon, Moony.”

Was it weird that Sirius, at the same time, didn’t want to listen about Remus’ sex life, but also wanted to? Was it weird? Was it weird that it annoyed him to know that Remus had sex with girls? Was it weird that it somehow turned him on to know what he did to others, like--

“He’s embarrassed.” Peter said, grinning at Remus, who rolled his eyes.

“I don’t wanna tell you. Shut up.”

“I can’t imagine you having sex…” Peter continued. Remus faked a gag reflex.

“Peter. Don’t. Why would you do that? Fucking hell.”

James nodded, “Sorry, not gonna imagine you doing it. But, like, are you still doing it? Not with Viola, just… with other girls? If you wanna answer.”

Of course it was implied that it was just girls.

“Why are you asking me all these things, guys?” Remus sighed again. Did Sirius want to know the answer? He wasn’t sure.

Yes. Yes, he did. He was dying of curiosity.

James shrugged, “Because we’re horny teenagers who wanna have sex.”

“Have sex, then.” Was Remus’ suggestion. He was so smart.

Peter snorted out loud, then sighed. “You think it’s that easy? This summer it took me an hour to make out with a girl. Literally just snogging.”

“It’s true, I was there.” James confirmed, even if no one had asked him to. “They snogged for the whole night, though. Which was good.”

“Yeah, but when I asked her to go somewhere more private and… do… something, she declined. Am I ugly?”

James looked worried, he shook his head frenetically. “You’re not ugly, Pete.” He looked at Sirius too. “We’re not ugly, right?”

Sirius shook his head. “We’re not ugly.”

James’ attention fell on Remus again. All of them turned to him.

Remus sighed.

“Moony, if you were a girl, would you fuck us?”

Remus covered his face with his hands, he faked a sob against them. Sirius almost laughed. “Why me? Why?”

“Just answer the question.” James was now serious.

“Oh, God.”

Peter took the pillow from his bed and threw it at Remus. “Answer!”

“Okay!” Remus threw him back the pillow. He put down his legs and was now facing his friends, his hands on his knees. He then began. He addressed Peter first: “Pete, you are a bit too short for girls’ standards, but the blonde hair and the blue eyes have their charm. I’d fuck you.”

Peter nodded, his eyes closed, like he had just been blessed by Remus’ sentence.

The boy turned to James. “You, James, will probably become captain of the Quidditch team. Rich, tall, the only person in the world who can be hot even with glasses on. Just fuck me already.”

James giggled, shaking his head. He smiled bigly at Remus.

Remus turned to Sirius.

“Sirius, you handsome prick, what did they give you this summer?” Sirius’ eyes widened. “This long hair, oh God. These hands, high cheekbones, red lips. I’d fuck you all night long.”

Peter and James burst out laughing. Remus shook his head and smiled too.

“Was it good enough?”

“You’re an idiot.” James told him, still grinning.

Sirius could feel his cheeks burning. He laughed too, of course. That was funny. Pure satire. Dying from laughter. Ha ha.

Did Remus really think that? He must have been joking. Oh Lord. He had said handsome prick. Handsome. Oh God. And handsome wasn’t ‘cute’. It wasn’t ‘good looking’. It was handsome. Oh God, oh God. 

But he had also said ‘prick’, so he was joking. Yeah, he was ironic. Ha ha. So funny. Pure satire.

“Okay, so” James moved on, because of course, what did James care if Remus had called Sirius handsome? And complimented his hair, hands, cheekbones and lips? James didn't care! Of course he didn’t! Why would he! Problem was, Sirius did. And his stomach was kind of hurting. He couldn't take his eyes off Remus. “So, we have to have sex before Sirius’ birthday. We have one month.”

“One month?!” Peter asked, “That’s impossible.”

“It is not impossible. Girls like us. They’re horny too, we can make it.”

Peter complained. “I’m never going to make it. I’ve just snogged two girls in my life.”

“You’re gonna make it, Pete! Heard what Moony told you? He’d fuck you. Here. That’s all you need to know. Let’s make a bet, c’mon! Sleep with someone before the third of November.”

Remus sighed, looking outside. He took a cigarette from his package and put it in his lips, lighting it up with his finger. Always so hot while he did it. “I don’t wanna take part in this conversation.”

“Because you have sex anyway.” James said.

“What do you know if I have sex or not?”

“When was the last time you got laid?”

Remus looked to the other side, shaking his head. “I’m not telling you, c’mon.”

“Just say if your last time was more than one month ago.”

“No, but-“

“See!”

“Moony loves sex as much as we do, he just doesn't want to admit it.” Peter said, and James nodded.

Remus took another drag from his cigarette, like he was ignoring James and Peter, but a moment later he added: “I’m a teenager too. You act like you’re the only ones horny here.”

“He admitted it!”

“I just don't wanna brag about it, it’s that a bad thing? I don’t make a big deal out of it. Don’t you get that girls don’t wanna give you a chance because they think you just want to fuck them and nothing else? They’re humans too, not your bitches. Some of them just want to have sex and that's it, like you, and okay. But some of them want a relationship after, so if you don’t want it, don’t play with them.”

Peter looked at James. “Emily cheated on James. Girls can be assholes too.”

“And Lily rejected me multiple times. They really can be assholes.” James nodded. Sirius could see Remus’ annoyance in his face.

“You think you’re the only ones allowed to be assholes?” Remus said, looking at Sirius for a millisecond, maybe for support. “If a guy rejects multiple girls, he'll still be considered cool. But when a girl rejects someone for a valid reason, guys call her an asshole. Lily doesn't like you, James. I'm sorry. She’s not obliged to like you. She’s not an asshole for that.”

“She’s your best friend.” James said, like this was the only reason why Remus was defending Lily. Remus noticed it, and shook his head.

“It’s not just that. I’m just saying that girls have our same rights. And they have feelings. Treat them like they matter. I’m not saying that Emily cheated on you because she had her reasons, she’s an asshole. Yes. But so he’s a boy if he treats a girl like garbage. Sometimes it looks like you lot do that too.”

“Did Viola teach you all that feminist things?” Peter asked him, James was looking at his feet.

“Seeing my mother destroying herself was enough.” Remus really rolled his eyes. "Like it's an insult to support equal rights between girls and boys, Pete."

Peter shushed, he swallowed. “Sorry, Moony.”

Remus waved him off, he finished his cigarette. “Do your bet, I don’t care. I’m just saying, don’t break girls’ hearts around. Not cool. Just see if they’re in your same trace, if not, don’t act like assholes. You are not like this.”

They all seemed to make a silent agreement. Sirius kept staring at Remus, who turned to him and met his eyes. Sirius felt brave enough to smile at him. After a moment, Remus smiled back. Breathtaking.

“I don’t know how you can be so clever at fifteen.” Was something that Sirius was never going to regret saying to Remus.

*****

So the bet started.

Sirius did nothing for the first week, not really sure if he wanted to do anything in general. Trying with Marlene was a thing, because he knew her. But other girls, that was different. He realised how much he was faking his interest in them.

Still, he decided that he had to do something. He needed to do something quickly. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about Remus talking about sex, and being embarrassed, but still admitting that he liked it. Of course he liked it. And Sirius was going to like it too. He had decided.

That’s how it all started. The second week of October.

Now it was time.

After he had fixed his hair and watched himself in the mirror for a minute, Sirius got down in the Common Room.

James was playing Quidditch outside with Marlene, practicing by themselves, since the pitch was occupied by the Ravenclaw team. Peter and Remus were in the library. Of course.

The Common Room was filled with people. Most of them were studying, some were playing chess or other table games, some were just chilling.

He noticed two girls sitting on the couch. One was called Olivia and the other Ruth. He had seen them giggling and whispering to each other multiple times, when his group of friends passed them by. Now, he didn’t know if they giggled for him, but it was still worth a try.

He sat down nonchalantly at the end of the couch, next to them. The one nearest to him, Olivia, stopped talking and looked at him. Sirius looked back at her.

Act cool. “Sup?”

The girl’s eyes widened a bit, she smiled slowly. “All good. You?”

“Pretty much the same. Do we…know each other?” He wasn’t sure if he knew how to flirt, actually. Could have asked Marlene that one afternoon, if this didn’t go against his honour. But it did.

“I’m Olivia.”

“Sirius,” he extended his hand, shook hers, “my pleasure. Your hand’s soft.” No, that definitely wasn’t flirting.

The other girl got up, grinning down at her friend. “I’ll leave you two alone.”

Olivia smiled to herself, like Sirius hadn’t realised. “Thanks for the compliment.” She touched his arm accidentally. Like Sirius hadn’t realised she was doing it on purpose.

He smiled too. “So, you wanna tell me something about yourself, Olivia?”

She told him about her family, a rich muggle family from Liverpool. She told him about her dogs, her lovely sister Mariah. About how great Hogwarts was. How his and his friends’ pranks were amazing. They were so funny. Everyone loved them at school, she swore. Sirius never talked, he accidentally brushed their hands together, touched her leg, shoulder, smiled, laughed, nodded. He looked at her lips sometimes, that was how it had to be done, he imagined. She licked her lips all the time, trying to cover a grin. Apparently, Sirius’ technique was working.

Olivia then got closer to his ear, he let her approach him. “Why don’t we go in your room?”

That was it. Sirius didn’t react for a second, he had hoped for that moment to come, but never really thought it might actually happen. Wished it wasn’t going to happen.

She was smiling, like an angel. What did she want to do in his room with that smile? Clearly something not angelic. 

He smiled back. His brain went back to work. “Let’s go, then.”

He breathed, walking in front of her, towards his room. With Olivia behind, following him, in his room. Sirius breathed again. That breath shook.

Their room was in a decent state. Smelled good too.

The time of another shaky breath, and she was kissing him violently. Sirius embraced her, caught off guard, but soon ready to kiss her back. He hadn’t kissed someone in a while. She was good with her tongue, her hands in his hair.

They soon were out of breath. Olivia made him sit down in his bed, she straddled over his thighs, kissing his exposed neck. Sirius looked at the ceiling, his hands abandoned on her sides, he had almost forgotten he had them there. He could’ve touched her more, it was appropriate at the moment, but he just looked at the ceiling.

He was liking it. And it was normal. That was how it needed to be done. He closed his eyes, it was normal. It was right.

They kissed again, it felt like Sirius knew to do this and only this. She was moving slowly, over his legs, he could feel it. He wasn't disgusted by the idea. He wasn't going to stop her. He was also aroused. Of course he was. If someone rubbed themselves like this against him, it was normal for his body to react. And it was exactly what he wanted. A reaction. A confirmation that he could like girls. An assurance that he was normal. Like his friends were, like everyone was.

They moaned, touched the other’s body. Sirius always looked up. He was liking it. He was.

Olivia got up, gathered her hair into a ponytail, smiled at him. Got on her knees. She moved his pants down, don’t, he wanted to say, don’t keep going.

That paradisiac feeling, as the poets say. That heavenly sensation. Which, okay, maybe they’re not really talking about that. But Sirius, right while Olivia did her job, realised that, in his dreams, he had always imagined specific lips. Not anyone’s lips. Certain lips. Which, the thought, made him blush, and he put his hands on Olivia’s head. At first, he wanted to stop her, then he decided against it. Letting his hands just rest on her head.

He came, he did. Thinking of nothing. Lips were lips. It didn't matter. He touched her too, afraid of hurting her at first, but she seemed fine with it. Sirius tried to enjoy it too. Her pleasure. He tried to pretend he was making him hard.

But it wasn’t and it was soon time to use his little friend, that apparently didn’t care about going up. Sirius almost cried there and then when he found himself thinking of Remus’ hands and lips instead of the girl’s.

But the work was gone anyway. And she seemed pleased about it. So was Sirius. He wasn’t going to tell her that he had kept his eyes closed all the time because if he had really opened them and found her face instead of someone else’s, he would have stopped moving and probably stopped breathing.

When it was over, he felt empty. He guessed that it was the right feeling. He just needed to learn how to like it.

*****

The day after Sirius' first time, he entered his room, bored, and looked at the map to see where his friends were. He asked for James’ name, at practice. Peter’s name, with Mary in the Common Room, Sirius didn't want to go with them. Remus’ name, and the boy was in their room. In the bathroom, actually. Sirius looked up. The bathroom's door was open, the lights inside turned off. No one was there. The bedroom was empty, the bathroom was empty.

“Remus?”

James’ invisibility cloak was under his bed. Sirius was confused. The map was saying that Remus was in the room. And he was moving. He was near Sirius now.

After a few moments, Remus appeared in the room from the window. He jumped down, looked at Sirius, who had his mouth open. Did he just came down from the roof?!

“What?” Remus asked, throwing the cigarettes’ pack on his bed.

“You’re…” Sirius looked down at the map. “I thought the map was wrong.”

“The map’s never wrong. What did it say?”

“That you were in the room.”

Remus rubbed the back of his neck. “You found out one of my favourite hiding places, I guess.”

“Where were you?” Sirius asked for confirmation.

“On the roof.”

There, the confirmation. “But- it’s too steep... How...”

“The first part, yes. Then there’s flat surface, and that’s it.” Remus shrugged. He looked calm.

“Yeah, but if you fall from the steep surface you’re not going to reach the flat one.” Sirius wasn't so calm. 

“I can show you, if you want.”

Sirius opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. “You mean if I wanna die? Er, no. Not yet.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’ll be behind you.”

“Very comforting. Your presence will stop my death, sure.”

“Did I die? I can levitate you if you fall, you know?”

Sirius stopped for a moment. What was he doing? What was this boy making him do? “You’re sharing one of your hiding places with me?”

“You already know about it. It's too late anyway.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to see it myself, for sure.”

Remus brought his pack of cigarettes again and turned to the window. “Follow me.”

Yes, that’s the problem. Sirius thought. I’d follow you everywhere. Today is the roof, where it is going to be tomorrow? It could be the moon, and I’d probably still follow you.

Remus put his feet in the window bottom surface and got up, his head outside, his legs still visible to Sirius. “C’mon!” Sirius heard him say, and next thing he knew was that he was following him, putting his feet on the window’s surface and getting up. His face met Remus’ outside.

“Okay, see. There’s a small trait where you have to be careful, then it’s done. You see it? The flat part? It’s not far.”

Sirius looked at it. He wasn’t afraid of heights, of course not. He had played Quidditch for three years. But now, yes, right now he was scared as hell. So scared, that he hadn’t even realised that Remus had taken his hand.

When he asked again: “You wanna go?” Sirius realised that their hands were enveloped together. He looked down at them, Remus didn’t let go. And even if he wanted, he couldn’t. Sirius was holding his hand so hard that escape from his grip was probably impossible.

“We go only if you want to.”

Sirius looked up again. Note sure if he could do it, but nodded anyway. Oh Lord. Okay, he was going to do.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?” 

“You’ll catch me if I die? Bring my corpse to my family? Not that they care, but…”

“I’ll catch you.” Remus cut him off. Hand still in his. Oh Lord.

Sirius stopped breathing for a second. Because of the fear, because he wanted to hold this hand all the time. Remus smiled imperceptibly at him. Sirius smiled back.

“I need to let go of your hand,” Remus then told him, slowly leaving his grip around Sirius’ fingers. Don’t let me go.

“Okay.” Sirius whispered, slowly letting go too.

“The tiles are far from each others. You can put your hands between them and hold on to them. The border is large, your feet can fit in without problem. Trust me. If you fall, but you won’t fall, I’ll be there. Yeah? Watch me go first, then you decide if you wanna follow me.”

“Okay.” He said again, not really connecting.

Sirius’ hand felt cold when Remus’ left his. He held his breath when he watched Remus put his feet on the roof cornice, get up without problems, turning to Sirius and then moving obliquely, like he was the the easiest thing he had done in his life.

A few steps, maybe six or seven passes, and Remus did a small jump. His feet landed on the promised flat surface, and looked up at Sirius. He seemed so far. Sirius was shitting his pants, he was, but fuck it, he imitated Remus’ moves and put his feet on the cornice.

Don’t look down. Never look down.

He moved more slowly than Remus, his breath slow too. Sometimes he felt like he was holding it. It seemed like Remus was still so far from him, but Sirius didn't actually know if that was true, because he didn't dare to look up. He looked at his hands, thought about his feet's placement. Nothing else. Just this. And, some time later, he finally reached the so far shore. He felt like he had swum for hours.

Remus took his hand again and helped him get down, when his feet touched the floor, Sirius let out a long breath.

“You’re alive.” Remus told him, letting go of his hand, too soon for Sirius' likes.

He turned to the endless sky behind him. There was no fence to prevent them from falling. Nor was there much room to sit down, in Sirius’ opinion. Just the room for their asses, not much more.

“Why the fuck did you think of coming in the roof?!”

Remus sat down on the small surface, his legs floating in the sky. Ah, no. Sirius wasn't going to do that. He would stand there, fine with him. Completely fine with him.

“I saw this part from the lake,” Remus’ finger pointed to the lake, that was almost in front of them, “and thought ‘why not?’. I did my calculating, saw if I could survive if I came here. Then I just tried, and I’m still alive. All my other hiding places are on the map, I guessed I had to find something else.”

“But you shared this with me.” Sirius’ heart grow warm.

“I don’t think you’ll steal it from me, will you?”

Sirius grinned down at him. “Yeah, no. Definitely not.”

“You want a cigar?”

“Uhm, yeah, right. Okay.”

Sirius took the cigarette from Remus’ fingers, letting the boy light it up for him. A bit scared of falling down while doing it.

“Why did you need to hide? Like, why were you here?” Sirius asked after the first drag of cigarette. Remus kept smoking, looking in front of him. It was beautiful. The view. The boy next to him.

“I wasn't hiding, I was… reading some letters. I don’t just hide here, I also just like it.”

“Fair enough. What letters did you receive?” Sirius asked.

“Oh,” Remus smoked extremely fast, “my friends from home wrote to me. It’s weird. It’s like, my life here is so much different from the one I have in Bristol. I don’t know.”

Sirius was actually surprised. He had never thought about that. “You have friends at home?” 

“Two. They’re twins. Elle and Louis, one year older than us.”

“Sorry, I thought you didn’t have friends at home. Don’t know why I thought that.” He admitted. Remus waved him off.

“I met them last year. They’re great lads. It’s just- it’s weird. When I'm here it’s like I forget about my life at home. Like I forgot about them. Or like they weren’t real, like they exist only in the summer, when I’m in Bristol. But they still exist now. While I'm here. Isn’t it weird?”

“You’re sure they actually exist?”

Remus smiled to the sky. He looked so young. “Yeah. I just haven’t thought of them until this moment. Since we came back to school. I feel a bit bad.”

“You’re thinking about them now.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“What they’re like?” Sirius asked, halfway done his cigarette. He kept looking straight in front of him, too scared to look down at Remus, and maybe, accidentally, look down at the piece of nothing they had under their feet.

“Elle’s the coolest. She’s as cool as Viola. She loves art and always used to took me to all these art galleries. I liked them. Not as much as her. Her eyes shone when we walked in. I think she’s a romantic type, always took me to cool places like we were in a book.”

“You fancied her?” Sirius asked, he cleared his throat. “Since she’s as cool as Viola, you said…”

“I mean, kind of. We weren’t together, but we still… you know?”

Sirius did not know. “What?”

“Like, we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, officially, but… yeah.”

Sirius kept looking in front of him. Oh. “You mean you slept with each other?”

Remus didn't answer for a moment, maybe he hadn't heard him. But Sirius didn't want to repeat the question. Then: “That too, yeah. It was weird. We acted like a couple, but weren’t one.”

“And you slept together.”

Remus somehow ignored him. “She’s really nice. Now she’s seeing this bloke who, she told me in the letter, always wears something of a different colour. Like, she’s never seen him wear something black. Weird, if you ask me, but if she likes him and he’s nice to her, it’s fine to me.”

“You… So you’re not jealous?” Sirius asked, he probably hadn’t understood the dynamic. He kind of was a bit jealous. Shamefully.

“Oh, of course not. We’re just friends.”

“Who fucked.” Sirius kept saying. It was the only thing he kept thinking about.

“That’s not the point.”

It is to me.

“And her twin?”

Remus took his second cigarette. “Her twin, Louis, he’s amazing too. He plays the guitar and sings a little. Doesn’t like to read, actually hate it, but he always gave me books. I don't know why he did. Maybe he wasn't going to read them and he just gave them to me. I don't know. He’s cool too. He…” Remus let the phrase float in the air.

Sirius looked down at him, but Remus didn't add anything else. Just smoked. Curiosity was killing Sirius, but he let the subject drop. Always did when Remus didn't seem to want to keep talking. Remus talked to him. It was something that now felt so normal, an usual thing, but two years earlier the only conversations they had were insults and disagreements with the other. Now they talked. Oh, how hard it had been to make Remus talk to him. How good it was now, hearing him talk and talk.

Sirius sighed, he took a deep breath. There was something else he wanted to know. He wondered if he had enough to actually ask it. And if Remus trusted him enough to answer.

"You know, I won the bet." He casually said, looking at the lake down there, so far from there. 

"You had sex?"

"Yeah."

"It was your first time?" Remus was asking from his place on the roof, but Sirius didn't want to look at him. Look at him and see indifference in his eyes. And know that he didn't care. That it didn't make him suffer like it did make suffer Sirius.

"Yeah, it was, actually. It was- It was pretty random, if I have to be honest."

Remus didn't reply, and Sirius' heart started beating faster. He wished he could hear Remus' one. And know what he was thinking. He cleared his throat. Regretting that he had brought up the subject, but he wanted to know one thing. 

Sirius met his eyes. He knew that it was weird, what could Remus tell him? He was probably wondering why Sirius was talking about sex with him.

"But, like... You liked doing it from the first time? Or it took you a while to appreciate it?" He took enough courage to ask.

Now Remus was silent again, but his gaze was fixed on Sirius. Silent and studious. Sirius forced himself to not break the eye contact.

"You didn't like it?"

Sirius had to look away for a second, at least one. "I think... I was expecting something else. Better, you know?"

“Sit down, will you?” Remus asked, looking up a bit. Sirius met his eyes again.

He didn't do anything at first. Took a deep breath of air, and a drag from the cigarette. Then decided to do a brave thing. Sit down. He finished his cigarette and closed his eyes for a moment, then slowly got down, until he reached the cornice and done, he was sitting on it. His legs in front of him, floating in the sky, nothing under them. His and Remus’ leg were touching.

"It was Viola my first." Remus said, Sirius ought to have expected it. "But... I mean, you know I liked her. There were feelings involved, so it was a bit different than doing it with a stranger. The only thing I regret is not taking the most of it."

Sirius straightened his back. "What you mean?"

"That I just, did it. Like, I wasn't with Viola, I was just with someone. Like it didn't matter."

"Because you didn't love her?"

"Because it made me feel better. It made me stop thinking, and I wanted to do that. I wanted to just turn off my brain, and I used... sex, along with other things, to do it."

Sirius reflected. He let the thought in his brain, there, sink. He knew that the period Remus was talking about had probably been after he had found out about his father cheating and his parents' divorce. He also knew that... "Like you always read, and study, and learn to do new things like playing the piano, to escape reality. Yeah?"

Remus looked up immediately, and for a moment, Sirius felt like the boy in front of him was seeing him. Or, like Sirius had seen him, and that this had never happened to him before. To either of them. For a moment, Sirius felt like they knew each other. Like they really knew each other. Like they... what? What was it? And was Remus feeling it too, or it was just Sirius?

He didn't know, but he did know that it felt right to add: "I know how it feels." Another pause. "I've been feeling like this too, lately. Especially this summer."

"I thought maybe you hadn't had a good summer, but I didn't say anything."

“I was with my brother.” Sirius said, looking at the far lake. “But... It’s not like we spent that much time together.”

“No? I thought you got along well.”

“I think we’re falling apart. Growing up.”

“Growing up shouldn't make you grow apart.”

Sirius smiled to the sky, his eyes still fixed on the lake. “He’s old enough to realise that I’m not the perfect brother he had always wanted me to be. You know,” he had never told anyone what he was about to say, “when we were boys, he used to always cling to me. I’m serious. He hugged me all the time, everywhere. It was like he was another part of my body. Some nights he was afraid of his room, and went to sleep in my bed, hugging me all night. When he was seven, our mother caught him in my room and punished him. She told him something, I don’t know what, and he stopped coming to my room. Stopped hugging me all the time. I don’t know what she told him. I never asked him. Because I was happy I could sleep in my own bed alone, you know?”

Remus smiled at him, then looked at the lake too. Sirius did the same thing. “I was more free and it felt like paradise. I’ve always felt so much older than him, even if it’s just an year of difference. Well, two. And I think he always thought the same. That I was much older than him. Maybe it’s because we don’t have male cousins older than us. I’ve always looked up to Andromeda, even if she's a girl. Regulus liked her too, but he’s always gone along with Narcissa more. His role model was... me. I looked up to Andromeda. And he looked up to me.”

“That’s kind of sweet.” Remus commented.

Sirius closed his eyes, always touched when he thought of his cousin. Or his childhood in general. It wasn’t all good memories. Definitely not. But there were some parts that lived in his memory like a sweet far thought, like something that he had imagined and had never really happened. Something he had just dreamt about.

“I miss her, Andromeda.” He admitted, even if he knew that Remus didn’t know much about her. Not like James did. “I kind of understand now, why she left our family. I’d leave too if I could. I don’t think I could ever have the courage to do it. She’s always been the bravest. She made a choice. Happiness over her hellish family. I didn’t understand at first, I thought she had left me, but now I do. I’m glad she did. I’m glad she’s happy.”

“When did she leave?” Remus didn’t even know that. Of course, they couldn’t stand each other when it had happened, four years before. 

“Four years ago. I was twelve, and thought that I’d hate her forever. She left because they sent her away, actually. Because she married a muggleborn. In my family you can’t do that. Incest is much more appreciated.”

Remus appeared confused. Sirius almost laughed in his face. “What?!”

“Better to keep it in the family, you know. Pureblood shits. Thank God James has a normal family. If my cousins weren’t already married, I’d probably be engaged with Narcissa by now. My mother was already talking about heirs this summer. Expected me to have found a wife. She’s fucking crazy, that’s what she is. Kill me if I’m ever going to give her an heir. My family tree can die with me and Regulus, for what I care. I know that he’ll marry some Slytherin girl from a pureblood family and will have children with her, bless him if that’s what he wants. But not me. I won’t do any of this. If my family name dies, I’ll be happy. That’s my dream scenario.”

“Don’t be like this.” Remus’ voice said from somewhere so far from Sirius. He was just a few inches away. “You think that now. Your hate for your family shouldn’t make you think that. You’ll think about it when it’ll be time to think about it. Now you’re just angry. Maybe someday you’ll fall in love. Continue your family name can be an occasion to change things. Instead of letting it die.”

“Well, I’ll never fall in love with a girl.” Sirius said, shamefully. His heart started beating fast after it. It was the truth, yes, he was aware of it, but if Remus had understood what he was really saying, that meant that he was now aware too.

Sirius took a deep breath, didn’t dare to look up. Remus’ eyes fell on him at some point, but he didn’t meet them. Too scared. Too ashamed. If he wasn’t floating nowhere in the sky, he would’ve already escaped from there. Run away. Hide somewhere. But he was there, and Remus was too. And he was silent.

“You’ll know what’s better for you.” Remus just said, minutes later. And Sirius didn’t know. He just didn’t know.

He nodded, and Remus, thank God for him, changed subject. Well, brought back the old subject, like Sirius had said nothing. Leaving him with the doubt: Remus hadn't understood what Sirius had said, or he did have understood, but was just ignoring it? Sirius breathed again. He could live without knowing the answer, for now.

“You were talking about Regulus.”

Sirius cleared his throat. “Yes. I thinks he’s just growing up. Realising that he doesn’t need me anymore. Which I’m glad he is. For real.”

“But you miss him.”

Sirius looked up at him then. He didn’t need to say anything else. Remus just met his eyes for a few seconds, then, probably satisfied, took another cigarette.

“You’re going to die soon if you keep smoking that much. It’s your third cigarette in the last twenty minutes.”

Remus shrugged. “Then I’ll die. I mean, I’ll die anyway. and if I’ll be the first to die between the Marauders, fine with me.”

Don’t say that.

But Sirius decide to joke about it. “And I’ll follow you shortly after. To prevent myself to have an heir.”

Remus laughed. He actually laughed. It was a beautiful sound, if you asked Sirius.

“Pete’ll probably die of diabetes, then. James will die old for sure, there’s nothing that boy can do wrong.”

Sirius nodded, smiling. “Yeah, we’ll watch after him from Heaven.”

“Hell, probably.”

“Fair enough.”

They both smiled, looking in front of them. (How could they know that this conversation would stay in their minds forever? Not a day would pass by, without this thought fitting their brains. It was true, yes, that James had never done anything wrong in his life. But he didn’t die old, not really. The only thing he did wrong, was put his trust in the wrong person, and die because of it.)

“Are you scared about the next moon?” Sirius asked him, because he was thinking about it since the last full moon, and knew that he wasn’t going to have another opportunity to ask about it soon. He was worried, he was. He wasn’t going to tell Remus, but he was.

“A little.” Remus admitted. Sirius guessed it was the afternoon of confessions. And Sirius was loving it. Oh God, he was so embarrassed. “I- I don’t want it to be like the last time.”

“How are your hands now?” They were still bandaged, but he could write now. He was happy to take his own notes during class and not make Peter take them for him, Sirius could see that he was happy about it.

“Better. I don’t know why I reacted like this last time. Uhm, this summer, the moons haven't been good. But it was because I had to see my father the morning after. And I didn't want to. But now I get to see Madam Pomfrey after. So I don’t understand. I love that woman. I couldn't wait to come back to Hogwarts, I was hoping the full moons would be as good as last year’s.”

“Maybe it was a one time thing. Maybe you still have to get back to your usual track.”

“Yeah, I hope so. I hope I’ll have my piano back this month. I don’t know how to calm myself without it.”

Sirius looked at their legs, so near yet so far. They weren't touching, they were just resting there. Who knew how many meters up. “You don’t play anymore at night.”

Remus smiled. “Yeah, I started sleeping. Is that so bad?”

Sirius turned up his head. “No. No, it’s good.”

“Yeah, don’t know about that.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. It’s weird. I feel like I spent so much time last year awake that now I don’t remember how to sleep anymore. I started taking something to help it this summer. My mum was worried. It was weird at first. Sleeping. It was… well, I had some problems at first.”

“Problems?”

“It’s like- I started having small hallucinations. It happened sometimes. I fell asleep, then I woke up for a few seconds, I was paralysed. It was weird. Sometimes I wasn't even sure if I was seriously sleeping. I felt like I was awake, but was sleeping. Or the contrary, I felt like I was sleeping, but was awake. Sometimes reality was hard to recognise. I don’t know. It’s creepy if you think about it.”

Sirius turned to him a bit, as much as was made possible by the small surface area of the cornice. Remus looked up. “Remus, that’s not normal. That- Have you told someone about it?”

“I told you, my mum started making me take something.”

“You still do now?”

“Well, no. But my sleep’s better now. I sleep. Which it's good. Amazing. Other than a few nightmares, nothing else.”

“You sure? It sounds like something serious. Maybe… I don’t know. Maybe you should tell Madam Pomfrey about it.”

“Yeah, no. I’m fine now.”

“And the nightmares?”

“Everyone has them.”

Sirius didn't say anything else after that. Because he guessed it was true. He himself sometimes dreamt of his mother torturing him, his friends hating him, the boy next to him kissing him. Yes, that was a nightmare too. It definitely was.

He wondered what nightmares did Remus have.

“You...” He tried “You wanna talk about your nightmares?”

Remus almost smiled, then he turned to the other side, the sun met his face’s outline, and he shone a little. His skin lit up. His eyes brightened. And he was beautiful. The most beautiful boy in the world. Sirius’ chest enveloped a sense of warm and fullness. He felt like he was shining too. It was Remus. It was all on him. Because of him. Sirius was so enchanted to look at him that he didn't even hear when the boy told him: “We’ll talk about it another time.”

Another time? When was this other time? Did this other time even exist?

Sirius looked down, bruised. Too burnt. He took a deep breath. He didn't know what he was feeling. It scared him so much. He felt like this. He couldn't talk. Didn’t want or need to. His chest still hot. His mind still lost. Warmed. Yes. That was the problem.

Slowly he got up, his hands gripping hard on the roof. “Can we go back inside now?”

“Yep.” Remus realised nothing. How could he? He couldn’t. No one beside Sirius could. Neither he could.

*****

The second full moon was like the first. The day after, Remus got up covered in scars, tired. Slept a lot. His breath was slow.

Sirius sometimes found himself crying. Behind his curtains, where he could still feel the scent of the girl he had taken in his bed a few hours earlier. It was always shame. It was about how his eyes always fell on Remus’ bed when he was with a girl. How he never liked it completely. How there was always something that was missing. How Peter and James patted his shoulders when he told them about the girls. (Remus seemed happy about it too.) How he had to agree when Peter and James said that it was the best feeling in the world.

What feeling? I don’t feel anything, Sirius thought. Nothing. I just want to feel…

Normal. Peter and James were seeing girls too. Sirius wondered if Remus was too. He never said anything.

Sirius sometimes thought about him with another girl, having sex with her. He actually imagined it, Remus’ body, the girl’s body, her curves, how Remus disappeared inside her. How their faces portrayed passion and pleasure. How Remus closed his eyes, brought his head back, how he moved. How she sounded like, how much she liked it, how her body fitted with Remus’ one in a way Sirius’ body couldn’t. He imagined it, for hours, always different girls. When Remus was done with one, there was another one. They were always pleased. Sirius tried to hate him. He got up in the morning, avoided Remus’ eyes, like he could see how much he enjoyed sleeping with girls. And how much Sirius didn’t.

It was shame once again. When at some point of the scenario the girl sleeping with Remus became him. That was when he cried.

He, James and Peter all won the bet before his birthday. By the third of November, none of them were virgins anymore.

Remus ‘we’ll talk about it another time’ never talked about it another time. Sirius avoided him. What else could he do? How could he look into Remus’ eyes after he had spent the night before imagining him having sex? How could he look at him, when he wished to be the one having sex with Remus? How could he?

Sex, sex, sex. It was all around. Between the girls too. Mary, Lily, Viola. It had infected everyone.

Sirius always lay there, letting the girl do most of the job. Faking a few moans, a few appreciations, then the final orgasm, that always came when his eyes were on Remus’ bed. The girl then left. Happy and satisfied. And Sirius sometimes found himself crying.

His friends complimented him, of course, what a victory.

Remus read his books, minded his business. Never said anything, never reacted. Because he didn't care.

How many girls do I have to fuck for you to notice?

It was this and this and this. All over again.

The thing with Remus was… It was normal. Meaning: they had never really talked much. Sometimes they ended up having long conversations, like the one on the roof, but that was it. They weren’t best friends for life. They didn’t share philosophical thoughts every day. They talked when they wanted to talk. Simple as that. So it was the usual. It wasn’t like Remus was going to ask him: ‘Are you ignoring me?’ ‘Are you mad at me?’ No. Because they were acting in their usual Remus and Sirius’s way.

But Sirius still noticed it. It was his inner world that was fighting between: ‘Talk to me. Talk to me all day, all night. Tell me all your secrets. All the things you never told anyone else. Tell me, and only me.’ and ‘Don’t talk to me. Leave me alone. Get out of my mind. Leave my fucking brain, you beautiful bastard.’

Remus wasn’t noticing anything. Wasn’t fighting his own brain. And if he was, he was for other reasons, like his sleep problems, the moons, the girlfriend he had in Bristol, the ones he had at Hogwarts.

Sirius Black was the last of Remus Lupin’s problems. While Remus Lupin was the first of Sirius Black’s.

He became sixteen. They threw a party, on the Friday after his real birthday. Everywhere he turned, it was a couple snogging. Insatiable appetite. Sirius was getting a bit tired of it. How could he not? When the only appetite he had was suppressed by the society. When his pleasure was never real, always a satisfaction of others’ needs and not his.

Sirius was having fun. He had danced all night. With Marlene, also Lily and Mary. With the Marauders when they weren’t busy grinding against girls. It was a fun party.

The situation was the following, I’m going to go into details. Lily was sitting in a boy’s lap, talking in his ear, giggling and all that shit. A tuft of fire hair around her finger. She was wearing a black dress, really short, actually. Her shoulders were showing and her knees too. Her nose piercing shining—which Sirius loved, actually—and a few necklaces covering the nude part of her chest.

James watched her. Sirius had noticed. The Quidditch captain—he had gotten the role a few days before Sirius’ birthday—was busy snogging his own girls. He had arrived to a count of five. All night, come and go, first one girl, then a second one, then another. But his eyes had always fallen on Lily. Sirius had noticed. And he understood too. James had always had a crush on her, even when she was tiny and pretty, yes, but not the prettiest one. Now she had changed a lot, during the summer. She had a whole personality in her look. Even Sirius found her cool. So he guessed that other boys did too. And James was one of these.

Now James was making out with his sixth girl of the night. He was showing off. He had gathered even more popularity since the team captain’s thing. He was good looking, he was. People loved him. Sirius was aware that people loved all the four of them. And James seemed to love the attention. He looked at Lily one last time, before walking towards Sirius.

“I’m using our room, can you tell the others to not come till I’m done?”

Sirius smirked up at him. “Sure. Gonna have some fun?”

“Hopefully.”

“What’s her name?”

“Layla, I think.”

Peter was sitting on the couch, next to Mary. His arm was behind her shoulders, on the couch’s backrest. It was days now that Peter was flirting with her. It wasn't clear if Mary fancied him back. Sirius hadn't seen them kiss yet. Maybe she still fancied Remus. Sirius deep down knew she did.

Marlene was with Dorcas, they were talking by the window. Marlene had drunk a bit with Sirius, but seemed completely sober. Dorcas hadn't touched alcohol. She was sitting in the window, Marlene in front of her. They seemed comfortable with each other, Sirius didn’t know what had brought them to become friends. Other than Quidditch, they didn’t have anything in common. Marlene talked a lot. Was always talking. While Dorcas was more private, more discrete. Marlene was rock and roll, Dorcas was pop, commercial music. Marlene didn’t care about school, Dorcas was the first of her classes. Sirius didn’t know how they could get along so well.

Sirius had been watching Remus for a few minutes now. The boy was sitting at the piano, not playing, not even touching the keys. He had a cigarette behind his ear, his sweater sleeves rolled up. He was grinning bigly with a few people. Two girls and one boy around him. They were all smoking in their far corner. Sirius didn't know these people. Remus seemed friendly with them, they seemed friendly with him. One of the two girls sat on his lap at some point. Remus didn't move, he let her there. Actually put an arm around her waist. The unknown boy next to him placed a cigarette between his lips, Remus took a drag from it, then the boy got closer to him, his back to Sirius.

And, did he just kiss Remus?! Sirius’ eyes widened. The boy moved away, and now Remus was visible again. He took another drag from the cigarette, while the girl whispered something in his ear. Remus looked up.

His eyes met Sirius’. “Birthday boy!” He screamed over the music.

Sirius looked away for a moment, but it was late anyway. He turned to Remus.

“Come here a sec, you want to?”

“Not sure if I want to.” Sirius screamed over the music. Remus smiled. Then, of course, Sirius walked towards him.

“James’s upstairs. Don’t go until he’s done.” He said.

Remus nodded, didn't look like he cared that much. Better this way. The girl got up from his lap and greeted Sirius. “Great party, Black.”

“Thanks.”

“You want a drag?” Remus asked him, a joint between his fingers. The boy from earlier was now behind Remus, Sirius saw his fingers softly touch Remus’ hair. Remus didn't move a muscle. He was still looking up at Sirius.

“Is that a joint?”

“It is.”

“How- Where did you…?”

“I have my secrets.” Sure you do. “Want a drag?”

“Let him try the thing.” Said the boy, he had red hair and was as tall as Remus. Or at least that was what it looked like, they were both seated.

“Don’t think he wants to.” Remus looked away, and… Was he blushing?

“What?” Sirius asked, looking at them both.

“I tried it with Viola the first time.” Remus told him, taking a drag of the joint. He exhaled slowly. “I inhale the smoke, keep it in my mouth, then pass it to you, and you exhale.”

“Pass it to me?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius stared down at him. Pass it to him? “I’m not sure I understand.” Or… No, it couldn’t be.

“Let’s just show him.” The girl was who sitting on Remus’ lap said, grinning down at him. “I’ll do it.”

She took a drag form the joint, Remus was looking up at her, waiting. Then she leaned down and put her lips on Remus’ ones. Sirius’ eyes widened. It looked like a kiss, a proper kiss. Their lips moved against each other for a moment, then Remus broke away, and exhaled the smoke the girl had inhaled.

Sirius’ eyes were still wide open.

“It’s so fun.” The boy commented, Remus was still avoiding Sirius’ eyes.

“It’s not that fun, really. It’s just… Yeah.” Remus cleared his throat. “I don’t think you wanna do it.”

“Yeah,” Sirius looked away. If you put your lips on mine and then don’t start snogging my face off in front of this whole room, I’ll die. “I don’t think I wanna do it.”

“Would you rather try it with me?” Asked the second girl, a big grin on her face.

Sirius smiled at her. “Don’t wanna smoke, actually. I’ve already drunk a lot, I believe.”

“Shame.” The girl said, looking at her friend.

“Have Peter and Mary snogged yet?” Remus changed subject. The question took Sirius by surprise.

“Er, no. Well,” he turned to the two, “yeah, no. So he is hitting on her. I was wondering about it.”

“Yeah, I think it’s pretty obvious he is.”

“But she likes you.” Sirius didn't know why he said it. But thing was, Remus ignored him. Maybe because he knew about it. Didn’t want to acknowledge it. 

“You wanna go somewhere more private?” The girl, once again, addressed him. Sirius turned to her. He didn't even know her name.

Remus shared a grin with the other girl, her friend. Nothing else. Because he didn’t care. Sirius breathed. “Yeah, why not.”

*****

Sirius started looking around more. He started noticing things.

James addressed Lily more.

‘Oi Evans, what’s on your nose?’

‘What do you think?’

‘It fits you.’

She then rolled her eyes.

Regulus hadn't gone to his birthday party, but did give him a present. A wristwatch. He told Sirius that one time, when he was a boy, he had found it in their house. No one had claimed it, so Regulus had taken it with him. He never wore it, and he had decided to give it to Sirius.

Sirius started wearing it everywhere.

Peter was taking photos of everything. He had taken one of Sirius painting, which actually looked very nice. (With his Art class he thought that his painting skills had improved a bit.) A few of Remus smoking. Or reading books. Or laying on his bed. Or playing the piano. Writing. Lots of pictures of Remus. A few of James too.

One of Mary, that one day he had studied sadly. “She told me that she only likes me as a friend.”

Remus had kissed his forehead and Peter had put the photo away.

Then, Sirius sometimes saw guys talking with Remus, touching his arms, or his hair, saying sorry for it and smile after, leaning toward him and talk in his ear, looking at his lips. Sirius started noticing it. It was girls, yes, since always, but now it was boys too. It probably was a coincidence. Probably Sirius’ mind that saw sex everywhere.

Peter called a meeting between James, Sirius and himself a few days after Sirius’ birthday. They met in the secret passageway that led to Honeydukes. Remus knew where it was, but he was busy in the library with some of his study groups. He had kind of started them again. He said he hadn’t, but he still had started helping a few people.

But not Sirius. It was Sirius who had told him that he didn't need help with Runes, which was true, he was now almost good at it, but that wasn't the reason why he had told him that. His initial plan of ignoring Remus as much as he could hadn't worked. But it was fine like that. Completely fine. They didn't have to spend time together and study. Or talk. Fine. Sirius had decided, and Remus hadn't complained. Fine. Fine.

But back to the meeting Peter had called.

“We’re ready to transform.” The boy said that day in the tunnel, producing a small light with his wand. “The next full moon’s a week. We have to help him. What if he hurts himself again? We’re ready. We can do our transformations.”

“Wait,” James stopped him, “in a week?! Pete, I don’t know if we can. I don’t think we’re ready.”

“Then we’ll practice all week. Everyday. I will. I’m not letting him alone again. Have you seen what happened the last two moons?”

“He’s stressed.” Sirius said, like he knew Remus more than anyone else. He wished.

Peter glared at him. He was the only one allowed to know Remus. Sirius hated that. “I know. And I want to help him.”

“Yes, I do too.” James nodded, “but we can’t transform yet.”

“We know everything about it. We just need to practice.”

“In a week?” James asked again, Peter was about to roll his eyes.

“I’m doing it. Don’t know about you, but I am.”

“Alright,” Sirius declared. “Let’s practice. We can do it. In a week.”

“Seriously?” James turned to him now.

“Even Sirius wants to help Moony, why don’t you want to?” Peter asked James. That pinched Sirius’s nerves.

“Me and Remus are friends.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like you were always friends.”

“But we are now. I care about him too.” He couldn’t believe he was admitting it. At least not to Remus. Never to Remus.

“Right,” Peter moved on. “So, we’ll practice?”

“Yes.”

James nodded, not entirely sure. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

And they practiced. All week.

*****

It was the day of the November’s full moon. The third of their fifth year at Hogwarts. Some time after lunch, while they were practicing, Sirius did it.

He transformed. A black dog. It was the strangest feeling ever. James and Peter gasped, looking down at him. Sirius felt weird. He wasn’t into his body, he could feel it. But his mind was with him. He was aware of things. He was himself, just in the body of a dog. Transform back into his human body was easier, he just thought about it, and he was back. His bones felt weird too. But it was fine. James and Peter’s mouths were still wide open.

“You did it!”

Sirius looked down at his body. He had never realised how weird it was to have a body. Like, what did it even mean? To have a body? Everyone had their own body, and, how strange was it? He looked at his hands, then at his friends.

“It worked!”

“It fucking worked!” Peter patted him in the shoulder, his face happy. “Now we have to do it too, James.”

“Yes! Was it hard? How did you manage to do it?” James asked him, Sirius still felt a bit confused. Like he was tipsy. He couldn’t believe it.

“I- I don’t know. I just, did it.”

“Helpful. C’mon Pete, let’s try again.”

They did try all afternoon. But didn’t make it.

“No, we have to do it.” Peter shook his head. James had already given up. “We have to help Moony.”

“We can’t transform, Pete. Not yet. We’ll try again. But we’re not going to do it in a few hours. It’s almost dinner time. Moony will go in two hours or so.”

“We have to try again. Sirius did it.”

“Yeah, Sirius did it. We didn’t.”

“If Sirius did it, we can do it too. How did you do?” He asked Sirius again.

“I don’t know!” Sirius breathed, “I just thought about it. Maybe I can’t do it again.”

“Try.”

Sirius concentrated. He became a dog, again. This time even more easily.

“Fuck it!” Peter exclaimed, covering his face with his hands. When Sirius come back to his natural form, it looked like he was about to rip out his hair.

“Pete, it’s fine. We’ll make it before next month.”

“And what use is it? If we can’t help him tonight?”

“Only Sirius goes.”

“What?” Sirius and Peter exclaimed at the same time.

“If he’s the only who can transform, then he’s the only one who’ll be with Moony.”

“Moony’s going to murder Sirius. We have to be there too.”

“Why would he murder him?”

“Because,” Peter cleared his throat, “Moony’s not himself when he’s in his werewolf form. Maybe he won't recognise Sirius and kill him.”

“He could kill us as well.” James said.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Yeah, it’s because I don't have the same bond you have you with him?” He asked, his voice now louder than he had expected. He hated when Peter acted like that. Not only because Sirius did care about Remus, but because who did he think he was?

“Other than that.” Peter continued. “Do you actually want to do it?”

Sirius wasn't sure at first, but after Peter’s intervention, he was. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes. I’ll go with him. If he wants to.”

Peter stared at him. James just nodded.

“Fine. Amazing. Then let’s tell Remus about it, yeah?”

Sirius nodded too, walking before them, thinking of what he had just decided.

*****

Remus was in their dorm room when they got there. He was biting his thumbnail, sitting on the window. Like he was waiting for them.

“Hey.”

“Moony,” James started straight away, he was the best one who could do it. “Don’t get mad at us.”

Remus didn't stop biting his nail, his knee was trembling too. Sirius’ eyes fell on it.

“Mad? Please, don’t make me mad before the full moon.”

“We did a thing.” James kept going, ignoring Remus’ request. Now that they were there, in front of him, Sirius realised what the hell they were doing. Remus was certainly going to get mad. Furious. He would never agree to do something like this.

“What?!” Yes, he was already starting to get annoyed.

“Oh, fuck’s sake.” Peter whispered behind James. Sirius rolled his eyes at him.

“It’s been a while since we started looking for information.” James said, he was talking fast. “We studied a lot. So much. We thought that maybe a wolf needs a pack behind him, yeah? Maybe if you went through your full moons with a pack, they wouldn't be so bad.”

“Yeah, shit. I don’t really have a pack.”

“We want to be your pack.”

Remus was getting more and more annoyed. “Sure.”

“If we accompany you like this, like human, you could kill us.” Sirius was seriously worried Remus was going to punch James in the matter of seconds. “But, if we were animals, maybe…”

“Oh, c’mon.” Peter exclaimed, “Just show him, Sirius!”

Sirius looked at Peter and James, then at Remus, who was waiting.

“Show me what?!”

“We thought we could be with you during the full moons, yeah? Don’t get mad. We just want to help you.” Sirius said, before becoming a dog. Remus’ eyes widened. He stopped where he was. They were so big that it seemed like half of his face was just eyes.

“Me and Pete couldn't make it this month, but we’ll work on it. We’ll be able to transform too next month, we sure will, but for now, only Sirius can.”

“What the fuck did you do?” Remus’s eyes never left Sirius. Well, Sirius the dog. He didn't know if he should transform back in his usual form.

After a few moments, he did.

“Animagi.” Peter declared. “We did a few studies. A lot of studies. And, yeah. We made it. Well, Sirius actually made it. But James and I are close too.”

“What the fuck did you do…”

“We could come with you,” James kept saying, “your wolf self would sense other animals around him, and probably calm himself.”

“Are you fucking mental? I’m not sure you understand that this is not a joke. I could kill you. Literally rip you to pieces. I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m a werewolf, I could fucking annihilate you.”

“But you also know that if a wolf is with a pack, he can control himself more. We studied it. We read it in every possible book about this subject. Seriously, Moony. We know what we’re doing. We want to do it. Let us help you.”

“No.” Remus just said.

“You won’t hurt us if we’re animals.” Peter reached out for him. Remus stepped back. “We’ll just be there, seeing if it could help you being with other animals. Let’s us at least try.”

“No.”

“Why not?!”

“There’s still a possibility that this won’t work. That I’ll hurt you. And I don't wanna take the risk.”

“But I want to.” Sirius heard himself say, everyone turned to him. After he had showed his transformation, it was like he had disappeared from the room. The others were probably shocked to see that he hadn’t. And he was the one who could transform. He was the only who could actually go with Remus. The others were just talking. Talking. “I wanna take the risk. Actually, I’m the only one who can transform here, yeah? So I should be the one talking. And I’m sure I wanna do it, Remus. Seriously.”

“No.” Remus said again, addressing him. “What if I hurt you? Or kill you?”

“Then you’ll be three Marauders instead of four. And I’ll beat you being the first one to die between us.” Remus didn't laugh, didn't even move a muscle. Sirius recomposed himself. “Seriously. I’m a dog, wolf’s best friend. I won’t be Sirius. I will be just a dog. Like you’ll be just a wolf. We’ll just be animals. Nothing else.”

“You do understand that if I really begin hurting you, you can’t pause the game and leave? If I start hurting you, I’ll keep hurting you. Neither you, nor I can do anything about it. A whole night is long. You don’t wanna do that, Sirius.”

“I can decide for myself.” Sirius looked straight into his eyes. “And I want to do that. All night, I don’t care. I’ll play with you, we’re relatives. We’ll see if this can help you. We’ve studied about it for two years, because we really want to do it. We’re taking the risk. I am taking the risk. Let me do it.”

“Two years?” Remus’ voice was weird, a tone that sounded out of his voice. “You’re mental…”

“For you, Moony? This and more.” Sirius said, his eyes never leaving Remus’ ones. He had never called him Moony. They both knew it. It was always Remus. Always, always just Remus. Never, ever Moony. “Can you let me help you?”

Remus didn’t answer. His brain was working, his body was still. Sirius wanted to reach out and touch him.

“How will you come into the Shrieking Shack? Madam Pomfrey always accompany me.” Was he really agreeing to it?

“I’ll use James’ invisibility cloak and I’ll follow you.” Sirius found himself saying. He didn't even know he had this idea in mind.

“I don’t know if I wanna do this.” Remus shook his head again. “Do you understand that if I end up hurting any of you I’ll never forgive myself? I- I don’t wanna…” He sighed, closing his eyes.

“It’ll be fine.” Sirius said, Remus opened his eyes again. “I’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. It’ll work. You won’t hurt me.”

Remus sighed again, his eyes looked up at the ceiling. His lungs filled, he looked down at Sirius again. “I really hope I won’t.”

*****

Under the invisibility cloak, Sirius was waiting outside the castle’s entrance for Remus and Madam Pomfrey to come out and head to the Whomping Willow, so that he could follow them. He and Remus had decided that Sirius would stay behind them, trying not to make any noise—it would have been weird to hear steps but seeing no one. Then, when Madam Pomfrey was going to stop the tree’s movements and open the passageway, Sirius had to be quick, follow right after them, or else he couldn’t make it. When they were going to be finally inside, Sirius had to wait for Remus’s signal to come out of the cloak.

After they had done all that, the signal came.

“She’s gone.” Remus told him, Sirius appeared from under the cloak.

He looked around.

“That’s not a good idea.” Remus said, shaking his head to the floor. He was sitting in the broken bed that the room offered. That was pretty much what you could find there: a shabby bed, dust, a spoiled painting hanging from the wall, dust, and a perfect piano, in the middle of the room. It shone between everything else.

And dust.

“That’s where you stay every month?”

“Why do you say it with that tone? Don’t you see all the great comfort I have here?” Remus asked, ironically. Sirius didn’t exactly laugh.

“It’s terrible.”

“It’s fine.” Remus shrugged, “I’ll destroy it either way. So it works just fine.”

“You’re still… You still deserve something decent.”

“Dumbledore could’ve let me stay at home. Could have said: “Fuck off if you think I’ll let a werewolf in my school”, and he would’ve had every right to say it, but he didn’t. He gave me that, and I’m taking what he gives me. That’s more than enough.”

Sirius wasn’t so sure. He kept looking around, another sigh came from Remus.

“God, what are we doing?”

“When will the transformation begin?”

“What time is it?”

Sirius looked down at his wristwatch, Regulus’ one. “Nine and seven.”

“Half an hour, or so. I’ll know when it’s time. and I’ll tell you. Do you really wanna do that? You’re still in time to reach the others and sleep peacefully in your bed.”

I wouldn’t sleep peacefully either way, knowing you are here ripping your own skin off.

“I’m staying.” Sirius declared, his voice sure of it. He was still standing near the door, Remus was still sitting down on the bed. He had his hands in his lap, he looked small for once. Sirius wanted to hold him in his arms. “What made you agree to this?” He asked, because he was really wondering about it.

“You’re a dog,” Remus said. “It might work, if you’re a dog. Like you said, we’re relatives. I’ll just see a dog, a friend. And, you’re not wrong, it’ll may help me. Is it selfish that I made you came here?”

“I chose to came here.”

Remus said nothing, he kept looking at his hands, his breath slower than normal.

“I have to play the piano. It calms me down. I’ll tell you when you have to transform.”

“Okay.” Sirius said, they were really doing it. They actually were.

Remus got up, marched towards the piano, sat down in front of it, and just stared at it. He looked up at Sirius.

“Does it… I mean, you feel uncomfortable with me looking at you?” Sirius asked, his breath caught in his throat.

Remus didn’t answer. He looked at Sirius for another moment, then started playing a slow tune.

He played and played, the tune always changed. Now fast, then slow. Adagio. So fast that Sirius’ eyes needed to run to follow his fingers. Then slow again, just touching the keys, delicate, dedicate. Passionate. The best thing was, Sirius didn’t think of Bach, of Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin. He just listened, let the melody live inside of him, anchored to his bones. He watched Remus’ movements, his face, how his expression talked, how his eyes had a world inside of them, how his hands were writing stories. Sirius watched him and felt all his emotions run, fill his soul, touch his breath and model it. His heart was beating and he was alive. He really was alive. And his heart seemed to be working only for the boy in front of him. And Sirius had never felt like this. It was just the two of them in the whole world and Sirius could live like this forever. Could be alive forever.

It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

When Remus’ fingers stopped, a endless silence enveloped everything. Sirius’ heart was still beating and beating. His lungs were still working, he was breathing. Remus met his eyes, and Sirius was surely breathing. He was surely existing. Because he had never, ever, in his life, felt like this. Had never held the world in his hands, but now he was.

Remus seemed so calm. “I’ve made that up.” He said, nonchalantly.

“You invented it?”

“I did.”

Sirius stared at him. Who was this boy? Who was this perfect creature that Sirius had had the fortune to meet? To know? To share emotions with? Who was Remus Lupin and why had God decided that he could be the only one able to move Sirius’ heart? Why had God chosen him? Why had God even created him in the first place? Couldn’t he understand? That Sirius was fucked? That, if God had chosen someone else to belong with Remus, someone who wasn’t Sirius, he was going to be fucked forever. Sirius didn’t even know who God was, but he hated him. Asshole.

“I’ll play a bit more, then it’ll be time. Just listen, okay? Don’t do anything. Just let me be.” Remus said, interrupting Sirius’ thoughts. Luckily.

“Okay.” Sirius nodded, but Remus wasn’t looking at him.

He played a bit of Bach, then got up, marched through the room. He closed his eyes, smelled the air. Sirius didn’t say anything, just watched. Remus kept walking, he stopped, started marching again. He played a few notes when he walked close to the piano. He started taking off his shoes, placed them near the bed. He looked up at Sirius.

“Soon. I have to take off my clothes now.”

“Okay.” Sirius said again, he closed his eyes. He felt like a child. “I won’t… watch.”

“Don’t care. I- It’s matter of minutes, I think. Sirius. Transform. Wait, I have to smell you.”

“Smell me?”

Before he had an answer, Remus started breathing him. Literally breathed him, his eyes closed.

“You have to be careful, promise me. Fight if needed, don’t think of me. Save your life. I’ll just get some bruises, in case. Save your life first, promise me. Promise.”

Sirius stared at him straight in the eyes. “I promise.”

“It’s not a pleasant show, I believe. We’ll see each other tomorrow morning, okay?” Remus was breathing faster and faster. His eyes now left Sirius'.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow morning.” And then Sirius became a dog.

Chapter Text

REMUS

The god of light no longer visited Clytie, nor found anything to love in her, even though love might have been an excuse for her pain, and her pain for her betrayal. She wasted away, deranged by her experience of love. Impatient of the nymphs, night and day, under the open sky, she sat dishevelled, bareheaded, on the bare earth. Without food or water, fasting, for nine days, she lived only on dew and tears, and did not stir from the ground. She only gazed at the god’s aspect as he passed, and turned her face towards him. They say that her limbs clung to the soil, and that her ghastly pallor changed part of her appearance to that of a bloodless plant: but part was reddened, and a flower like a violet hid her face. She turns, always, towards the sun, though her roots hold her fast, and, altered, loves unaltered.
-The Metamorphosis, book IV; Ovid

Nighthawks; Hopper (1942)

*****

Remus woke up in the Shrieking Shack, naked, and on the floor. Sirius was still in his dog’s form, sleeping too, at the end of the bed.

He got up and put his boxer on, just them, then sat down on the bed, looking around. Sirius’s wristwatch was on the nightstand, he looked at the time. Madam Pomfrey would arrive in twenty minutes or so. Remus had to wake up Sirius.

When he got up again, he just stood there, next to the bed. And his muscles didn’t hurt. Well, a bit. His hip particularly. But it wasn’t that bad. He could feel the smell of blood, and when he looked at his body he saw a small cut under his ribs. But nothing else. A few medications, and he would be as new.

Seeing Sirius in a dog form was weird. He still smelled like him a bit, but his scent was far away. He was still Sirius, but wasn’t. The fact that he had managed to transform was impressive. Remus really thought that. The fact that the others had studied too, and would probably transform as well soon, was impressive. Remus didn’t know how he felt. They had done that, for him.

The night before, when they had told him about their plans, he had gotten angry. Not really angry, but felt like they couldn’t understand. Like they weren’t realising that being a werewolf was a big deal. Remus could kill them, in his wolf form. So when they had told him their plans, he had gotten angry.

But they did have understood, actually. Better than him. Understood that company could make him feel better. Make the wolf more aware of things. They had understood. When Remus hadn’t. And it had worked.

He had a few memories of the night. Never, ever, the day after the full moon he had remembered something. Now, there was these blurred pictures, of a small black thing running in front of him. Then a picture of the ceiling, for some reason. A picture of his feet, the wolf paws. And then the same black figure at his feet, laying there, playing with him. Remus remembered this. In that moment, he thought he was going to be forever grateful to Sirius.

He got down on his knees and looked at the sleeping dog for a moment. Sirius must have been dead tired. Remus started patting his head. He couldn’t stop watching him, there on the floor, a real dog. He was patting Sirius.

The dog woke up and looked up at him. Remus smiled.

Sirius transformed back in his human form immediately and sat up, hair messy. Remus sat next to him, still only in his boxer.

“You’re alive.” He said, relieved.

Sirius’ eyes were wide. They fell on Remus’ chest for a second, then back to his face. “You’re good?”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded, happy. A small smile on his lips. “You?”

“I’m good.” Sirius smiled too, his eyes tired.

“You’re tired?”

Sirius had stayed up all night to be with Remus.

Remus didn’t even know what to say. He was grateful. Will be grateful forever. (Not forever, not really. Months later, Remus would regret all of this. His friendship with Sirius. The fact that he knew about his condition. Everything. The fact that he had thought, for months, that Sirius really wanted to help him during the full moons. How stupid. Stupid, stupid boy. He knew he didn't have to trust Sirius Black.)

Before Sirius could answer, say something, just open his mouth, Remus reached for him and his arms enveloped Sirius’ neck tightly. He closed his eyes.

Sirius clearly didn't expect that. He didn't move for a few seconds, paralysed, then hugged him back, his arms around Remus’ body, a little doubtful. Remus let out a breath of relief.

“Thank you.” He said, eyes still closed. Sirius’ scent was back. Remus had never been more happy to hear his heartbeat in his ears. He didn’t want to break away, he realised, but he had to. Their cheeks brushed against the other’s for a second, and Remus realised it. He sat down again. Sirius had his mouth agape, his eyes wide. “Thank you, Sirius. Really. You have no idea how grateful I am to you. What did we do? How was it? Was it scary? What did I do? Did I hurt you?”

Sirius closed his mouth. “You didn't hurt me. Not at all. You’re hurt? You’re loosing blood here.” He pointed at Remus’ chest. But the boy didn't care.

“It’s nothing. So, how was it? Tell me. Madam Pomfrey will be there soon. What did we do? I don’t really remember.”