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Something was wrong with Fili.
Their journey to the mountain after Smaug’s demise had been rather pleasant. It felt like it had been forever since he and Fili could just be. They were barely adults by dwarven standards, and although they had more than proven themselves on this quest, they were still so young. Kili felt the exhaustion settle in his every bone, and he could tell from Fili’s uneven gait that he was feeling it too–although Fili wasn’t the one that had nearly just died from a black arrow to the leg. Kili spent much of their journey in relative silence, smiling at Fili whenever Fili looked at him, but otherwise pressing forwards. He had put his hand in his pocket several times during the day to run a finger along his runestone, only to remember it wasn’t there any longer.
Damn. It had been a hell of a romantic gesture, but that had been the only thing left from his mother. But he knew in his heart that he would see Tauriel again, and his runestone would be returned. Among other things.
“Are you excited, Kee?” Fili had asked him quietly when they had reached the massive front gate of Erebor. It was taller than Kili had imagined in his head, and the eyes of the dwarf statues on either side seemed to follow him.
“Mostly just tired,” Kili said back, and then knocked their shoulders together. Now, as they entered the halls of their ancestors, a strange haze seemed to settle over Fili, and it gave Kili the chills. He reached between the two of them to grab Fili’s hand, but Fili batted it away without even looking down.
As they got deeper into the mountain, Fili’s disinterest only seemed to grow. Kili was in awe at the buildings carved into stone around them, and the rich color green of the walls, but every time he tore his eyes away to look at Fili, he was looking straight ahead. All business. Something was wrong.
They were stopped before they could go any further by one Bilbo Baggins. Kili’s heart swelled with joy at the sight of their burglar, alive and well.
“You can’t go down there,” Bilbo said firmly, and Kili raised a brow. “It’s Thorin. He's been down there for days. He doesn't sleep. He barely eats. He's not been himself. Not at all. It's this place. I think a sickness lies upon it.”
Kili glanced over at Fili, who was staring even more intently in front of them, his eyes scarily blank. “Sickness? What kind of sickness?”
Suddenly, it was as if a switch had been flipped in Fili. He must have found whatever it is he had been staring at, as he made a move to run forward, rapidly dashing down the stairs into the depths of the city.
“Fili? Fili!” Kili cried desperately, but he did not acknowledge that he had heard Kili. Shooting an apologetic glance towards Bilbo, he followed. They all trailed after Fili, who finally came to a stop on the edge of a balcony overlooking a sea of gold. Kili’s breath caught in his throat at the sight, but he was far more worried about Fili, whose eyes had glazed over at the sight of the gold.
Oh, Mahal.
“Behold,” Thorin’s voice carried throughout the large room. “The great treasure hoard of Thror.” He grabbed a large ruby, tossing it up to Fili, who caught it with a look of greed in his eyes.
“Welcome, my sister-sons, to Erebor.” Thorin’s words were slightly slurred, and his eyes had the same distant look in them that Fili’s had taken on. Kili knew immediately that he had to get them out of there. Now.
“Fili?” Kili said quietly, gently resting an arm on Fili’s shoulder. “It smells like dragon in here. Can we step out for a second, get some fresh air?”
“Don’t be stupid,” Fili spoke for the first time since arriving, and Kili stepped back in alarm at the harsh words. “This is our home. All of this gold is ours. Why should we ever have to leave?”
“No one is entering or leaving this mountain until we have the Arkenstone,” Thorin’s voice once again echoed up from where he was standing on top of the gold. “That is our first and only priority.”
“Please,” Kili tugged on Fili’s arm, but instead of going in the direction Kili was pulling him in, Fili stepped closer to the gold. Annoyed, Fili brushed Kili off of him completely.
“Not now, Kili,” Fili said harshly, and then he was down the steps and into the treasure hoard, leaving a stunned Kili in his wake. Fili brushing him off was jarring, but was known to happen now and again when either one of them was upset. But to have called him Kili…
For as long as Kili could remember, except for in moments of high emotion (like when Kili was in grave danger), Fili never called him Kili. It was always Kee, nadadith, reyadith, or the odd insult. But never, ever Kili.
Something was so wrong.
Warily, Kili followed Fili down the stairs. Around them, members of the company had begun the frantic search for the Arkenstone, but Kili paid them no attention. He had other things to worry about. He finally caught up to Fili, who was standing still in the middle of a large pile of treasure, staring at it with dilated pupils. The blue of his eyes was almost completely gone.
“Fili. Talk to me. What’s wrong?” Kili said, tone edging on pleading. Fili did not look away from the gold. He tried a few more times, but Fili snapped, turning around to grip Kili’s wrist tightly in his hand.
“Will you not shut up? Can’t you see I am busy?” Fili’s voice came out in a low growl, and Kili’s eyes widened. Being scared of his brother was a new feeling, and it was even more terrifying than Fili himself.
“You’re not doing anything. You’re just staring at the gold.”
Fili’s eyes narrowed, and his grip on Kili’s wrist tightened. “I’m busy.”
“Fili stop,” Kili tried to tug his wrist away from Fili, but he did not let up. Kili winced. “Stop. You’re hurting me.”
Fili just hummed, turning back to the massive treasure without letting go of Kili. Kili tugged again. He may have been taller, but he didn’t stand a chance against Fili’s full strength. Instead of letting go, Fili’s grip tightened again, and he pulled Kili closer to the gold.
“Look. This will all be mine someday,” Fili murmured, running his hand over the coins, examining each one as he passed. “And I will have you beside me. All of this gold, just for the two of us.”
“I don’t want that, Fili,” Kili begged, willing Fili to just look at him. “I never wanted that. I only came to Erebor because this meant a lot to you, and I love you. I want you to come back to me.”
Fili did not look up, nor did he answer. Kili looked away. He would not let anyone see him cry.
Eventually, when he felt like he could no longer bear the vice Fili had on his wrist, he tugged again, pulling sharply. He yelped at the sharp pain, and miraculously, his grip loosened long enough for Kili to get free.
For a moment, he was looking into Fili’s eyes. “Nadadith?” Fili whispered, reaching out to brush a finger over the red mark on Kili’s wrist. His eyes were clear, and he looked miserable. “Kee, did I hurt you? Are you okay?”
Before Kili could answer, a yell from Thorin demanding everyone to keep looking for that dreaded stone rang out through the hall. At the sound, Fili’s eyes glazed over once again, clear blue overtaken by his dark pupils.
“We should be looking for that stone, Kili. Get to work. This will be my kingdom someday. Our kingdom. But we can’t rule if there’s no Arkenstone,” his face hardened, and his back turned to Kili to once again rifle through the massive piles of gold.
Kili had an idea of what was happening. They had heard about it their whole lives, the madness that ran in their family. But just like Erebor itself, it has always been distant. Something that would never affect them as long as they were together.
Burying his face in his hands, Kili made his way back up the stairs, hoping to seek out help. He was remiss to leave Fili alone, afraid of what he might do, but it was clear that Fili wasn’t going anywhere. Just like Thorin.
In the upper levels, he heard the soft voices of Balin and Bilbo. They were clearly in the midst of a private conversation, so Kili slipped past their door, continuing to search. It wasn’t long before he stumbled upon Dwalin, who was facing away from him, seemingly deep in thought.
“Dwalin?” Kili said softly, and the large dwarf turned around, giving him a small smile. He motioned for Kili to sit beside him.
“Terrible, isn’t it?” Dwalin murmured, and Kili nodded slowly. “Dragon sickness has always run in your family. You’re lucky, laddie, that it has not taken you.”
“I would rather it be me than Fili,” Kili said fiercely. “He has protected me his whole life. Why can I not protect him from this? What do I have to do to save him? I’ll do anything.”
“There is no cure,” Dwalin stated bluntly. “The sickness drove your great-grandfather mad, in time. You are both like sons to me, and to watch him and Thorin…” Dwalin shook his head, clearly gathering his thoughts and fighting back the raw emotion. “I fear they might be lost.”
Kili’s jaw dropped. “Why would you say that? Fili and Thorin are the strongest dwarves I know. Both have endured worse. Once we find the Arkenstone it will be okay, they won’t be looking anymore, they’ll be happy–”
Dwalin slowly shook his head, and gently he took Kili’s hands in his own. “No, laddie. Balin thinks that finding the stone will only make the madness worse. For both of them.”
Kili’s shoulders dropped, and a sob escaped from his lips. He had never in his life felt so hopeless. Dwalin reached over, wrapping a warm arm around his shoulders, and Kili turned towards Dwalin, seeking his comfort. Then he let himself weep.
***
The search continued for days.
Fili and Thorin refused to sleep, refused to eat unless forced. Kili was able to pull Fili away for very short periods of time, but then Fili had to be back with the gold before he lashed out. From what he knew from talking to Bilbo, Thorin was worse.
To complicate things, they had a battle at their doorstep. Thorin had chosen to go to war over giving the very small amount of gold that had been promised to the men of Lake-town. Fili had agreed wholeheartedly, and although most of the company did not, at this point they were powerless to their King’s wishes. He had truly gone mad.
They suited up for battle in relative silence. Kili’s stomach was in knots, knowing very well they could die for that gold. And what’s worse, Fili could be taken from him before he could ever flash Kili one of his cocky smiles again.
The situation was looking more and more dire by the minute.
“Fili, can I talk to you?” Kili approached his brother, gently touching his elbow. Fili hummed, but didn’t refuse outright, so Kili took that as agreement. He led Fili out of the armory and as far up as he dared, hoping to get the gold out of Fili’s eyesight if possible.
“I’m scared.”
Fili scoffed. “What do you have to be scared of? We are kings, Kili. The men of Lake-town cannot harm us.”
“I’m scared for you!” Kili leaned forward, gripping both of Fili’s hands in his own. “Come back to me, Fili. This isn’t you. If you don’t want to call off the battle, I’m leaving. I’ll go find Tauriel to see if she can help you, speak to Thranduil, anything. I will get them to see sense so you don’t lead our friends to their deaths!”
At the sound of Tauriel’s name, Fili’s brow furrowed before it smoothed back into his impassive expression. “This is always who I was meant to be. The crown prince of Erebor. You would abandon our people, our home, in our hour of need? Maybe you should stop messing around like you always have and take responsibility for once!”
Kili pulled back as if burned. “You don’t mean that. You have always said you admired how carefree I am. You like how I don’t let the pressure get to me.”
“Well, I lied,” Fili sneered. “You are nothing but a coward who cannot handle the weight of a crown atop your head. You don’t understand, and you never will. Now leave. We have to protect the gold, and I don’t need my pathetic little brother in my way.”
Kili blinked slowly. He couldn’t mean that. Fili would never say that. It had to be the sickness talking, it had to be the gold. Fili loved him. Fili was his brother. But a small voice in the back of his head was agreeing–he had always given the harder duties to Fili, and never once had he ever sat still through any important meetings about their future.
Maybe Fili was right. He was just the spare, the younger prince who would never be able to handle the throne and all that came with it.
“Are you crying?” Fili’s voice came from beside him, but it seemed far away, like it wasn’t right. “Kee?”
At the sound of his nickname, Kili looked back up at Fili. Fili was huddled in on himself slightly, but his eyes were trained on Kili intently. Eyes, Kili noted, that were more blue than black.
When their eyes met, Kili’s red rimmed and Fili’s hazed over, Fili blinked once, then twice. He stumbled forward, and Kili reached out to grab one of his hands to steady him.
“Nadadith?” Fili’s voice was small, and Kili’s mouth dropped in awe and realization.
“Fili?”
“You were crying,” Fili said softly, reaching over to wipe a tear from Kili’s cheek. “What happened?”
“It’s nothing,” Kili whispered. “Forget it.”
“Forget what?” Fili frowned, and for a moment, there was silence between them, before Fili gasped and pulled away in shock. He looked up at Kili with pain in his eyes. “No.”
“Fili–”
“I hurt you,” Fili said in horror. “You’re hurt and it’s my fault. I don’t know why I said that, Kee, you have to know that I don’t…” he swallowed, and looked away.
“It’s okay, I promise,” Kili soothed, but his stomach still turned unpleasantly. “You weren't yourself. I don’t blame you.”
“I’m still sorry,” Fili turned away fully, and Kili swallowed. He didn’t want Fili to feel guilty–that would only tear them apart. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“And I’m telling you that it’s okay. You’re my brother. I forgive you, and I’m not mad at you. I’m just happy that you are back.”
Fili hummed, but didn’t turn around. He began to walk away, intently towards the upper levels away from the gold.
“Where are you going?” Kili asked, moving to follow him, but Fili kept walking.
“Away. I need to be alone.”
Kili let out a little noise of distress. He had just gotten Fili back, but it already felt like he was losing him.
“We have a battle on our door-step. I want to spend the last night before our world comes crashing down with my brother, not let him wallow in some sort of guilt that he should not even be feeling,” Kili pleaded, but Fili’s expression remained stoic. “Why are you pulling away from me?”
“Because I hurt you! And you’re leaving me!” Fili finally cried, briefly facing Kili. “You said you wanted to leave and find that elf maid, and you don’t need me anymore!” Fili shuddered, turning away so Kili couldn’t read his expression. “Maybe you never did.”
Kili exhaled, and blinked. His whole life, he had hated to see Fili in pain of any kind. That was his big brother, whom he had looked up to and followed anywhere and everywhere. To see him in pain like this…
“Nadadel,” Kili whispered, stepping forward to place a hand on Fili's shoulder. Fili shrugged it off, and Kili bit his lip. “Fili,” he tried again. “Fili, please look at me.”
When Fili turned around, his eyes were red rimmed, and he wiped under his eye angrily. “What do you want?” he snapped, causing Kili to wince, but he did not recoil.
“I will always need you,” he said softly. “You are my brother. No one in my life will ever be able to replace you, nor compare to you. Tauriel is beautiful, and maybe someday there will be something between us, and maybe there won’t be. I said I would go to her because you were not yourself, and because I thought that maybe she could help heal you, but I would never dream of leaving you now. What matters most to me is you. It’s always you. You have always protected me, taken care of me, and you helped save my life. You are the strongest person I know.”
“But I’m not strong, am I? That’s the problem,” Fili snapped. In Kili’s speech they had drifted closer together, but at this, Fili stepped away again. “I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t fight the sickness. I fell like Thorin, like our great-grandfather. I’m weak.”
“Fili, no,” Kili whimpered, and at his tone of voice something in Fili must have broken, because suddenly, Fili’s arms were around him. Kili let his brother hold him for a moment, calming his breathing before speaking.
“You are not weak. It’s in your blood to fall to the gold sickness. You couldn’t help it, do you hear me Fee? It wasn’t your fault. What matters is that you snapped out of it. You didn’t let it take you. You are strong. None of the line of Durin has been able to break out of the grip of the gold once it has taken root. You did. Thorin is up there raging and you are here with me. I think that’s the strongest thing you could ever do.”
“Then why do I feel so terrible?” Fili’s eyes were closed, and his arms tightened around Kili, as if he was ripping apart at the seams and Kili was the only thing capable of holding him together. “I don’t feel strong. I feel like I have failed.”
“You haven’t,” Kili breathed into Fili’s neck, and he moved his hand to reach behind him, grabbing Fili’s in his. “I was scared for you, but you broke free from the sickness without any help at all. You’re amazing. Maybe you’re the one that doesn’t need me.”
Kili went for lighthearted, but he immediately felt Fili tense beside him, and he cursed silently.
“Nadadith,” Fili began immediately, cutting off Kili’s hopes of retracting his previous statement. “What do you think broke me out of the sickness?”
Kili shrugged minutely, knowing that with the way they were intertwined Fili would feel it anyway. “I don’t know. You just realized you were being insane?”
Fili chuckled despite himself. “No, silly. It was you. I don’t really know all of what happened while I was under, it’s all a little hazy. But I remember seeing you standing there in front of me, and I knew that you were hurt. That I had been the one to hurt you. I couldn’t let that happen. I let your voice lead me out of the darkness I was trapped in. I will never, ever leave you like that again.”
Blushing, Kili ducked his head further into Fili’s shoulder. “Oh.”
“Yeah, oh,” Fili gripped the hair clasp sitting in the back of Kili’s hair, the one Fili had made for him when they were just pebbles. Rolling his eyes, Kili allowed Fili to tilt his head up so they were finally looking at one another. Fili smiled, and Kili knew it would be obvious to anyone who saw them that they had both been crying. “You are everything to me Kili. Don’t forget that for a second. I would not have been able to shake the gold sickness without you.”
“You are my everything,” Kili said quietly, remembering the beginning of their fight. “I love you. I will always love you. Even if I give my heart to someone, a piece of it will always be yours.”
“And a part of mine, yours,” Fili agreed, bringing their foreheads together. “Thank you, nadadith.” Kili closed his eyes, still shaking, and let his older brother protect him one last time before the battle for the mountain began.