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2015-05-09
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The Good Life

Summary:

There had to be protocol for this. They were shinobi in a hidden village; there was protocol for everything. Sadly, the authors of the Konoha Mission Administration Office Employee Handbook had committed the potentially fatal oversight of not dedicating a single paragraph to the now more than hypothetical situation of your current Hokage starting a mostly one-sided screaming match with your former Hokage in front of your very desk.

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“I'm really sorry, Hatake-sama,” Kaoru said, for precisely the fifth time in a row. “We were explicitly instructed not to give you any missions.”

Kaoru hated this part of her job on any given day, no matter who the dangerously exhausted, injured, or less than mentally stable Jounin was that she had to turn away without a job. But nothing she had experienced in the little over two years she'd been manning this desk could have prepared her for being stared down by Hatake Kakashi himself.

“But, just to be clear—you do know who I am,” said her former Hokage.

Kaoru gave him a tentative nod.

“And you were instructed by . . . ?”

“Hokage-sama himself,” she told him in a small voice.

And to think her parents had been relieved when she'd ended up behind a desk.

As if summoned by the mention of his title—but, in all actuality, he'd been alerted by one of her co-workers a few minutes ago—the Hokage chose this precise moment to stroll into the office, sans entourage.

“Kakashi-sensei!” cried Uzumaki-sama, with a sort of genially homicidal glee that probably wasn't completely unrelated to the baby spit-up still drying on his shirt. “To what do we owe the pleasure? Aren't you supposed to be living the good life somewhere far, far away from here?”

Hatake-sama's eye crinkled in what Kaoru had to assume was a smile.

“My vacation was pretty restful, thank you very much for asking, Hokage-sama. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to work ASAP.”

Uzumaki-sama's jovial grin twitched.

“Come on, sensei, we've been over this before.”

“Oh, have we?” Hatake-sama enquired airily.

Kaoru vaguely wondered what kind of jutsu was responsible for the sudden and quite noticeable drop in temperature.

“Sensei, do I look like I need this shit right now?” the Hokage demanded, his grin dropping away as if it had never been there in the first place.

“Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing,” Hatake-sama returned coolly. “Go do your job, Naruto, and let me get on with mine.”

“Are you ordering me around?”

“Merely advising, Hokage-sama.”

“I knew it, I fucking knew you were going to be like this!” the Hokage yelled. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe other people need the work more than you do?”

“Naturally, I'll donate my earnings to the orphanage.”

“No you won't, because I'm not giving you a mission! You're not allowed to so much as pluck another fucking weed for this village, let alone go on the S-rank missions you're after! DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO KAKASHI-SENSEI YOU BASTARD.”

There had to be protocol for this. They were shinobi in a hidden village; there was protocol for everything. Sadly, the authors of the Konoha Mission Administration Office Employee Handbook had committed the potentially fatal oversight of not dedicating a single paragraph to the now more than hypothetical situation of your current Hokage starting a mostly one-sided screaming match with your former Hokage in front of your very desk.

Fate had decided to answer Kaoru's pleas, but—as the saying went—she was a cruel mistress. Which was to say; the fight did momentarily break up, but only because Haruno Sakura-sama practically leaped into the office just then, dragging her daughter by the hand.

“HE'S DOING IT, SAKURA, HE'S REALLY DOING IT,” the Hokage wailed at his former teammate and current Head of Medicine.

“Welcome back, sensei,” Haruno-sama told Hatake-sama with a warm smile, before adding, “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE A CRAZY PERSON THOUGH.”

Sarada, who had been a couple years behind Kaoru at the Academy, rolled her eyes and wandered over to sit on the edge of Kaoru's desk.

“Do you think we should call someone?” Kaoru whispered to her nervously.

Sarada raised an incredulous eyebrow at her.

“Like who? You're looking at the best and brightest leaders of our great village.”

Unfortunately, she had a point.

“Don't worry, they'll just yell some more and then cry all over Kakashi-sensei and each other. It's embarrassing, but I guess it's still better than the alternative.”

“Which is?”

“Disastrous health and property damage.”

“Oh,” Kaoru said.

“WE JUST WANT YOU TO DANCE AT YOUR GRANDKIDS' WEDDINGS IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR,” Hokage-sama was yelling. If Kaoru wasn't mistaken, there were actual tears glistening in his eyes.

“LOOK AT THAT POOR CHILD,” Haruno-sama screamed passionately, waving her arms in the general direction of her daughter. “SHE SEES YOU AS A FATHER FIGURE.”

“No, Mom, that's you.”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DEVASTATED SHE WOULD BE IF YOU UP AND DIED.”

“You know, when I was small I used to wonder why Dad had decided to leave again,” Sarada said.

Kaoru blinked at her. “Yes?”

“No, that's it. I used to wonder, and then I turned five.”

“Oh,” Kaoru said.

She wasn't sure if agreeing would have qualified as treasonous, but she decided to play it safe and keep her mouth shut.

Just in case.

After all, there were only so many office jobs available in Konoha, and nine days out of ten she liked this one just fine.