Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sides : Ch. 1 Slow Dancing In The Dark

________________

Shenhe

It's been awhile since we talk to each other, I mean a "real talk" not some

"I'll call you later. "
"Good night"
"I'm sorry Ah-Shen, I'm busy right now "

etc etc..

"sorry"

That's being a cliche word that I hear over and over and honestly I start getting sick listening to those words.

It's not your fault really, maybe I was too childish to understand that you're somehow on your way of doing your thesis, faster than everyone including me because you're aiming to graduate early and get a scholarship to pursue your dream.

Shouldn't I be the understanding girlfriend,.. Ouch.. Girlfriend.. That sounds bitter now.. I.. I honestly didn't even know if I could see myself as your girlfriend..when was the last time we went out for a date, when was the last time you came into my dorm room or when was the last time you told me you love me.. I.. Just miss you but somehow I start losing myself.

You told me to meet you at the cafe after one month you've been busy with your school stuff. I was so happy that time, but next thing I know

"Shenhe, I'm sorry I forgot I've promised Xinyan I'll tutor her today. I'll make it up to you on the weekend, kay? Love you. "

Oh.

Again.

I just could reply with the same

"That's fine, weekend is also good. Send my greeting to Xinyan. I'll go to Ganyu-jie place later. "

Honestly, that "love you" keeps me from being mad and I just melt.. Thinking that "it's fine" at least she still remembers me.

I let out a sigh and looked down on my table and suddenly I saw a slice of red velvet cake being served in front of me. I look up and see someone cheekily smiled at me

"You look sad, it doesn't suit your pretty face. "

She rubs her neck

"It's on me and uhh you know the café quite package this hour, may I sit here? "

I laugh at her silliness.

"Yeah, you can sit here. "

And that's when my sweet temptation comes.

It's her, Yelan. We talked that day and she was a very talkative person. I learned that we both went to the same university but I've never met her. It turned out she is a dance major kid and she is one year older than me. We ended up exchanging phone numbers as well.

Yelan, she teach me things that Yun Jin never done to me, one day she brought me to skate park to watch her playing with her friends or some other days she also take me out to watch her playing baseball and bickering with her friends, we also went to eat with her friends, Yanfei also Ningguang. I made a friend with them and I'm glad they're really welcoming me to their clique, they're fun people.

I'm happy, I'm happy like this. I spend more and more time with her than I should.

Yun Jin continues to be busy and sadly I'm getting used to that. I don't even think I'm looking forward to Yun Jin's text or call anymore.. I'm happy if she calls or text me but if not then I'm okay.. Or I guess I am.. I used to get jealous whenever she spend more time with Xinyan instead of me, but Xinyan has been her favorite classmates since they were in high school, be it on our choir club or in our major so I just try to lessen my jealousy, Yun Jin gonna calm me letter and we ended up bickering but i always melt

...it was Yun Jin, it has always been her who can make me feel things and it was her.

Did I just say "was"?

I know something wasn't right, I just simply felt numb or didn't care at all when she didn't text me or she was with Xinyan...

I'm...

I hate to admit it...

But...

I need her and I want to be there for her too when things get rough on her, but.. I don't want to sound like I'm a nosy girlfriend and I know she wasn't the type who would share too much stuff unless she was already mad.. But when I found out I was one step behind Xinyan.. She was there for her.. She was there when Yun Jin needed someone.. I start to wonder what I am...

However...

After I think about it..

This...

I was probably trying to give a justification for my act, because somehow.. I feel like I'm getting more attached to Yelan than I should be. All the laughs that we shared, all the time she holds my hand whenever we're together or all the cafe dates and supper we had with her friends is making me question myself as well..

Did I cheat behind Yun Jin like this? Am I starting to become unfaithful?

Somehow... I haven't told Yelan as well that I already dated someone...

I may sound selfish...

But..

I won't let all this attention that I got from her fade..

It didn't go unnoticed by my friends, Hu Tao start to eye me suspiciously but I told her to mind her own business and stop scaring Dr. Baizhu's daughter, Beidou seems more direct with me even she didn't mention Yelan's name,

"Look Shenhe, as much as I like you to suffer like when we tease you for having an affair with any random kids in class then you have a cold war with Yun Jin for a week before, I don't want anybody to get hurt again this time. "

………

I went to Ganyu-jie room one night.

"A-Shen, I don't want to sound snobby but please think carefully again. "

I haven't said anything but I guess she knows what things that had been on my head all along. I ended up sleeping over there and all I knew in the morning was two good morning texts. One from Yun Jin and one from Yelan.

Things that I can't compete with Xinyan also start flooding my head... I don't know if it was right to think like that when I actually have the upper hand.. I'm still Yun Jin's girlfriend even though we barely talk or go on dates...

I miss all the old days when I'd bother her with any question I had in mind, in her room and she tried to study while we ended up bickering and later we just cuddled till morning came. I miss her ...

and i start to wonder if Yelan was a rebound.. I don't want to make her like that, she didn't deserve that.

I don't want to start comparing Yun Jin and Yelan but I start doing that like, Yun Jin never hold my hand, we are that awkward girlfriend. We never really do any skinship.. She only does it behind the closed door of my room or her room, she would hug me and tell me how she loves me.

But...

Yelan, she was like the exact opposite of Yun Jin. She is talkative and she is attentive as well. She showers me with cares and things that I'm seeking from Yun Jin..

……

and one night..

When she took me out to the park she kissed out of nowhere. I was shocked and didn't do anything. I was just too stunned. My mind was blank at that time.

"I like you, I like you Shenhe. "

And I know I should've listened to Beidou
for once.

Chapter Text

Sides : Ch. 2 Happier

Yun Jin

It's been awhile since we met each other and today i asked you to come to the cafe that we usually go to together. You look pretty today even if you only wear your oversized hoodie, but honestly when was the last time you aren't pretty? I lost count how many times I fell in love with you.

We didn't talk and only enjoyed each other's presence right now, but honestly I feel like I'm gonna choke the air soon and it's getting hard to breathe.

I only have one purpose right now.

"Shenhe... "

I called your name and you looked up to see me, I saw that in your eyes.. The longing stare that you gave me, eyes that used to shine bright whenever you look at me..

Do you.. Do you feel it coming?

"Let's break up. "

There I finally said it.

........

It's late at night when I lean on the fence on my balcony. I look up on my phone and you're still there on my wallpaper.. Your smiling face, our picture together and we both wearing matching clothes.

I sigh,

Why...

Why did I do that...

Why do I have to say that...

Few hours ago, we were sitting in the cafe and I asked you to break up with me. I expect you to ask me "why? '' but you.. You don't say anything, you only keep silent and quietly say "okay" while you fidget your fingers.

Why Shenhe.. You didn't even let me be the bad girl for the last time..why didn't you yell at me or let me be the villain in our story for once.. Didn't I hurt you enough?

I honestly couldn't stand to see you sad and I always wanted to hug you but instead of hugging you right there I left.. I pulled my last move and left you lonely there.

If you love her, you'll let her go... Right?

.........

Some months ago, we were happy together. We were that awkward girlfriend, barely holding hands and still blushing when one of us initiates skinship.

Some months ago, you still coming to my room, asking me about anything that came across your head to me when I tried to study or when I study too late and you'll drag me to my bed and we cuddle each other and later, I love to wake up to see your charming smile while you whisper,

"Good morning Yun Jin"

Some months ago.. I honestly like it when you feel jealous because it looks funny, one time we we're in cold war after we play stupid Truth or Dare with the girls and Beidou dare to kissed you in front of me, or another time when I spend too much time with Xinyan...

Some months ago you still hugged me when we're alone in the piano room, and you just sang along with whatever song I played while you put your head on my shoulder.

I love your voice,

Always

With you, honestly I feel better, sometimes you're too slow to understand things but I didn't complain about that, somehow I missed that when you aren't slow to catch stuff. However, I'm the kind of person who has that little obsession to graduate earlier and get the scholarship ahead of my future study than others, so I worked hard and my thesis proposal was accepted.... And it's easy to guess I've become busy.

I guess I'm starting to neglect you. I feel bad but I can't do anything about that.

As if our class together was already limited because we took different classes, we rarely met each other. I'd be in the library while you take care of choir club or doing something else.

You'll sulk and go silent for a day or two and say I didn't pay attention to you but later you easily melt with one treat of snack, you were easy to melt but that's so cute about you.

But.. Even so.. I'm getting busier than I expected and those treats that I think I could give you.. I can no longer give.

I start to forget to text you or give you a call and "sorry" are becoming habits and I honestly didn't like to say it but I can't help it.

We barely talk in class again, I don't know if we're getting away with each other or what but I know.. Those eyes that are eyeing on class, you were looking at me but you didn't want to say that you're desperate to have my attention.

I'm sorry...

I know you restrained yourself to bother me, you tried to be that "understanding girlfriend" trying to be "mature" and "supportive" ...and you're afraid of bothering me.

But later, I found out you look happier these days.. I was happy.. At least your smile back on your beautiful face

But..

Little did I know, there's someone behind those smiles of yours.

First time I knew that name was when I overheard your friends gossiping. Keqing was so bad at hiding her suspicions, Hu Tao was no better but Beidou was a mess... And I heard everything that happened with you these days.

I honestly feel stressed.. I was afraid, something that I was afraid of happened and I couldn't do anything.. I was afraid you're gonna turn your back on me and you leave me, your smile, your heart and your love that once mine gonna be for someone else.

I ended up not calling you at all but spending more time with Xinyan than I was supposed to. I thought it'll lessen my stress but I guess I was wrong. I've always liked Xinyan as my close friend. I know that she probably feels different to me but I only look at you. Xinyan always treats me well and showers me with love and affection but it's different when it's not you.

My fear of losing you is getting bigger than I could control and I saw you with her, Yelan. It was right, you weren't alone with her but with her friends as well but...

You look happier, you do.

…….

And one night when I took a stroll to clear my mind in the park I saw you alone with Yelan again... she held your hand and next thing I know she kissed your lips.

Something that I've never done to you.. Because somehow we have always been shy with each other.

"I like you, I like you Shenhe. "

I choked an air, I didn't know she'd confess like that and I don't wanna hear your answer either.. Because somehow I know, it was all my fault to begin with and I don't have no right not when I've been hurting you like this.. So I ran and cried in my room... It was haunting me.. I swear I'll make it up to you.

......

And that's it I let you go, I want you to have your happiness.. Even if it's not with me..

I want you to be happy.

Chapter Text

Sides:Ch.3 词不达意 (Words Do Not Convey The Meaning)
____________

Yelan

It was late night and someone knocking on my dorm room when I'm about to sleep. I was so ready to yell at whoever dare to bother me at this hour when I could barely sleep because of the task.

"I'm coming." I said with a lazy voice.

I was so sure this was probably Yanfei. But, when I open the door...it's not Yanfei. It's her..

"Shenhe...what are you—"

I haven't finished my words but she already went to hug me and next thing I know, I feel a wet stain on my shirt.

She was crying

"We... We broke up... "

......

It's been an hour since you stop crying and now you already sleeping peacefully on my bed.. I guess you were tired of crying. You look peaceful right now, breathing slow and hugging my bolster but that wet stain of your tears on your cheeks surely talk itself.

I let out a sigh.

You didn't deserve this,

You deserve to be happy.

Shenhe.

......

Several months ago, I met you in that café, where I was supposed to go with Yanfei before but that brat has the nerve to ditch me for Shinobu so I don't have any other choice rather than going alone there. It was a package hour that time and the only seat left was yours. It was awkward because I saw you hang your head low after you saw something on your phone.

I don't know where I should sit so I thought buying you a cake wouldn't hurt while I can sit in front of you. With my outdated cheesy lines that I learned from Yanfei I gave you the cake and holy shit I don't know you were that pretty up close, you were confused with my action but you ended up let out a small laugh and let me sit.

I learned about your name,

Shenhe

Surprisingly we ended up talking much, even actually it was me who talked the most since you seemed not in a good state that time but nonetheless you were still smiling and let out some laugh while listening to my jokes.
I'm happy at least I could make you happy and wipe that frown on your face that I saw before.

We exchanged number with each other.

One simple text turned out to be more texts

and I start to ask you out for a friendly date with my friends as well. I take you out to the skate park and when I play baseball with my friends. I joke that your life is so boring with music sheets and piano so I take you out to see the world.

One time I took you out to the dance room and teach you how to dance. I hold you from the back while the music playing on the background. When I looked at our reflection in the mirror, you did the same. Our eyes met each other there and when I held you, I ended up back hugging you. You were blushing and looking down to the floor, I was about to release my grip.. But your hand holds me there.. I want to ask but it seems like you won't let me. So we ended up at a slow dancing pace and you slowly smiled at me.

I did the same.

I smile at you.

That time, I knew I was falling for you.

.....

I start to found a courage to hold your hand when we're outside. At first, you were surprised but in the end you let me do that... And it becomes a habit to hold you.

Yanfei started to complain about how she looks like a third wheel whenever we went out together but we always laughed after that. I know you somehow like to be around my friends too.

I found out later that you're a bit slow at getting things over your head, maybe that's because you're a year younger than me. You bother me and keep asking me stuff when I try to take a video and I told you in joking yet fake annoyed voice,

"I forgive it because you're Shenhe, I'm not gonna hit you, if you're Yanfei I already—"

and you already laughing by that.

.....

One day I went out to see Ningguang. Ningguang was my first love and we actually dated for awhile. Things didn't work with us or probably we weren't meant to be. However, I'm glad that we ended up on good terms.

Ningguang treats me like her own sister now and I feel like, instead of finding another date, she is already married to her job now.

"So, there's this girl. "

"It's always been a girl anyway "

"Ningguang! "

"Ok. Continue. "

"She is younger than me—"

"I guess you're really into someone with age gaps with you huh?"

I whined and she chuckled at me

"You didn't wrong about that, but I really think I like her. "

"You said the same when you loved me before."

"I guess it's the same then. "

"So, you love her more than you loved me before?"

"Hey, it's not how you ask me! You were my first love, that's different! And please don't ask me if she looks like you because nope I know you gonna ask me that! "

Ningguang was laughing while I'm rolling on her apartment bed and throwing her pillow at her. She continues to do her job reviewing some presentations on her laptop.

"So, who's this lucky girl who got our Lan'Er, Yelan's love and attention huh? "

"Shenhe. That's her name."

Ningguang was teasing me before but when she heard Shenhe's name she suddenly stopped reversing her presentation and looking at me

"Shenhe?"

"Yea? "

"Is she the one who ate with us and Yanfei from weeks ago? And I only met her once?"

"Yes?"

"What was her major again? Is she a music major?"

"Yeah she is, you know her? You seemed familiar with her before when we ate at a hotpot place?"

Ningguang suddenly stopped whatever she was doing at that time. She fully paid attention to me and she even took off her specs.

"When I was in my last year before I retired from the choir club of our university, Shenhe was quite a popular freshman who joined the choir club alongside a girl named Yun Jin who later dubbed as a prodigy. I've always seen Shenhe with Yun Jin and I heard…"

"You heard?"

"They date each other. "

.......

Ningguang's words were still fresh in my head and now when I think about it, I've never asked if Shenhe already dating someone or not but— does she really don't know about my feeling for her? Like, I made it clear enough with how i shower her with love and attention. Shouldn't she tell me beforehand ?

.............

Call me snobby but I can't help myself to be curious about who Yun Jin is. I ended up stalking your social media and found out about her. She was pretty, had a nice voice like you and she went into the same major with you. You both had some pictures together, and there was even one video of you both playing piano together before singing out a song and I have to admit your voice was well matched with her.

I think

Ningguang was right.

......

I'm.. I'm suddenly wondering about what actually we have done, am I try to steal someone's girl?

Because of that, one night.. I took you out to the park. I want to find the answer of my question.

There, while you're zoning out I accidentally saw Yun Jin and out of impulse I held your hand and without thinking I kissed your lips. I said it

"I like you, I like you Shenhe."

You were surprised and you were speechless that time.

And

I saw her there, Yun Jin. The look of surprise on her face, how her eyes turned into glassy and she held back her tears, she ran.

She saw everything....

I regret nothing.

You called my name.

"Yelan... I'm sorry"

You start to say sorry, and keep repeating it before you end up sobbing and I have to hold you there in my arms.

You told me, I shouldn't love you.

You told me, you're the bad one. The villain in our story.

And you ended up telling me everything
You told me about her, Yun Jin and you. How you two are still together and somehow you weren't on good terms with her. You are still crying but the look in your eyes, I know that look. It was the same look that I gave to you, you love her and you still do but when you look up and looking into my eyes...

You start to cry even harder

"I'm sorry... "

That was the first time over those months I've known you, you cried like that.

You told me, how you like to be around me, to have all of my attention and to have me by yourself but you can't help to feel selfish.. To feel like you're a bitch who cheated behind Yun Jin even though you actually yearn for her love and attention but you didn't dare to tell her.

You feel wrong, but still doing it.

I honestly feel hurt, you seems like using me for your own purpose but I can't blame.. I might be doing the same if i was you.

"I couldn't do this, I may like you too but... Yelan.... If I leave her when we are in a situation like this.. Don't you.. Don't you think I could do the same when I'm with you? I'm a horrible person..... "

"Yelan, you deserve someone better... Not me."

"If only we meet in another time ..maybe ...maybe... "

I told you it was fine and.. With actually hurt feelings I try to accept the fact that for the first time, I couldn't have someone that I love the most with me. So i told you .... I can wait, I'll wait even we didn't end up together we'll still be friend and I'll be there for you when you need me.

I let you go.

......

Somehow, you wake up and when I'm about to go out to clear my mind you hold my arms and said,

"Don't go ... Please.. Stay with me. "

So I got under the cover with you and hold you in my arms. You rest your head on my chest while I softly stroke your hair. You hold my me tight and muttered a soft

"Thank you."

and I just said

"just sleep Shenhe."

you nod and a moment later you fell asleep again.

I kissed your forehead before I tried to join you to sleep and momentarily forget about all of this.

Right before I sleep I heard you mumbled on your sleep.

"Yun... Jin… "