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None of RONDO had seen Tsubaki recently.
"Think she ran off again?" Nagisa asked, shaking her head, hands on her hips, the smallest of smiles tugging at the corner of her lips.
"Well, from what she last told me, she just isn't feeling very well," Hiiro said, putting a finger to her chin thoughtfully.
"Is she sick?" Aoi raised her eyebrows as Hiiro said this.
"Well, she didn't sound sick," Hiiro replied slowly, thoughtfully. "But she certainly didn't sound… happy."
"When is she ever?" Nagisa muttered. She couldn't stop a small smirk, at least until Hiiro glared at her, then she had the grace to at least look sorry. She wasn't trying to be snide, or downplay anything Tsubaki was going through. It was just fact that she was the most melancholic of the band.
Aoi looked away, troubled, finger also on her chin as she thought about what Nagisa and Hiiro had said. It was true that Tsubaki was the saddest, moodiest of the quartet, but Aoi hated to think that Tsubaki may have been more upset than usual. She wondered if there was a way she might help cheer the singer up, although that would require Aoi to understand what she was unhappy about in the first place…
Well, after a little digging and a little prying, it seemed as though Tsubaki's primary concerns could be summed up in two words: money and success. She was not a materialistic or shallow woman who was only in it for the fame and fortune, but none of RONDO could deny that their band wasn't doing as well as they thought or hoped. Despite a strong start in college, they were hitting a slump. They were something like starving artists now, although they were not quite that strapped for cash… yet. But it was, admittedly, getting a little too close for comfort.
Aoi understood. It was something that troubled her, and the rest of the band, too. She just hadn't realized how heavily it was weighing on Tsubaki. But it made sense. It was exactly like Nagisa pointed out earlier, she was always the most anxious of them all. Now Aoi found her desire to cheer Tsubaki up redoubled. But how? Well, eventually, she decided to write a song for the other woman. But…
Aoi's pencil touched paper, but nothing came out. She wasn't the songwriter, after all, that was Tsubaki! But of course, since this was supposed to be a surprise song for Tsubaki, Aoi couldn't exactly ask for her help, now could she?
Is there anything I AM good at writing? Aoi asked herself. She used to dabble in creative writing when she was younger, but nothing ever really came of it. It was just a little hobby on the side. But, she did still remember how to pen a story, at least vaguely.
Hmm, maybe that was what she'd do. She'd write a story of Tsubaki… for Tsubaki! Maybe it sounded a little weird, but it seemed to do the trick, because Aoi's pencil finally started moving across the page. What it wrote read, "This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. And while she looks so sad and lonely there, I absolutely love her… when she smiles!"
Aoi sat back and started thinking again. How would the story of Tsubaki go? What would it say? Well… How many days in a year did Tsubaki wake up with hope only to find tears? And Aoi knew she could be insincere and insensitive. It wasn't intentional, of course. She just wasn't the best at receiving affection. And she was so laidback that sometimes it seemed like she was being dismissive, even though she wasn't. But she knew how she came off, how sometimes her comforts and promises never seemed for real.
As long as she stands there waiting, Aoi thought with a bittersweet smile. As long as Tsubaki always wound up coming back to RONDO in the end, Aoi was happy. That was one of the many things she loved about Tsubaki. No matter how afraid she might've been at any moment, she was always willing to try again for their sake, and stand there, waiting for them.
Wearing the holes in the soles of her shoes… That was another thing Aoi loved about Tsubaki. Of course, she wasn't trying to romanticize Tsubaki's money troubles, but to know that Tsubaki was still willing to stand by their side, even though she was going through money troubles and had insecurities about it, meant more to Aoi and said more about her character than perhaps any of them knew.
Now how many days disappear when you look in the mirror, so how do you choose? What thoughts went through her head on a daily basis about all of this? Maybe Aoi and the others were able to glean a bit about Tsubaki's inner world, but she was so closed off, even to them, that they weren't able to glean much. Where did her courage come from that she always made the choice to stand there, waiting for RONDO, even in spite of her insecurity and financial worry? How did Tsubaki choose, and what did that feel like? Aoi wished she could know.
As Aoi's memories washed over her, she could only think about how Tsubaki's clothes never wore as well the next day, and her hair never fell in quite the same way. Aoi always thought the rough-around-the-edges look looked good on her, but she would've self-consciously disagreed. And despite her extreme introversion, Aoi always knew what topics would get Tsubaki talking until she never seemed to run out of things to say.
In times like that, when she was truly alive and energetic, she was beautiful. And even though she always looked a little sad, lonely, out of place, and distant in every photograph, Aoi knew she wasn't always like that and…I absolutely love her when she smiles!
ooo
Once Aoi had her lyrics and melody, she called up Nagisa and Hiiro for help recording and filming. They decided to work in Hiiro's garage. It wasn't the most glamorous of locations, but hey, that was what falling on hard times did for a band. You took what you got. Besides, it fit the grunge image they were starting to go for. They were always a little rough around the edges, and more intense than other bands, just because of the genre of music they played, but in recent times, that image only became more intense.
Now how many people would stay just to put up with this shit day after day? Aoi thought as she drove her old, sputtering truck along the interstate, thinking about how tedious work was now that they no longer had as many resources as they did in college. But even though her thoughts sounded bitter, there was a smile on her face. To her, that line was just another testament to RONDO's character. They were the ones willing to stay, to put up with this every day and all day. And Aoi felt more than willing to "put up with" Tsubaki's "shit" day after day.
But she couldn't help but wonder. How did they wind up this way, watching their mouths for the words that they'd say? Aoi remembered how close and relaxed they used to be. In some ways, they were still very close. It took an awful lot of loyalty to stick with a seemingly dying band. And they could still be quite relaxed around each other, in ways they couldn't be with anyone else. But with everyone working parttime jobs to make ends meet, they didn't see one another as often as they used to, and the stress of parttime jobs alone could make them tense, albeit unintentionally.
But hey, Aoi thought, As long as we stand here waiting, wearing the clothes or the soles that we choose… Maybe she was only trying to console herself, but if there was one good thing about their current lack of success, aside from monetary constraints, they were free to do as they wished. Likewise, as Aoi would joke, they were certainly all more muscled now since they literally had to do a lot of heavy lifting, carrying equipment around in case they didn't have anyone or anything else they could rely on.
She thought back to a day under a sweltering and blinding sun where she and Tsubaki waited half an hour for a bus that would take them to their next concert venue: a low-end dive bar on the very far side of town. As physically miserable and taxing as that day had been, Aoi remembered it fondly because she got to spend that entire day beside Tsubaki.
It was just like she told Tsubaki back in college, she was willing to follow Tsubaki anywhere, and she would gladly leave the glamor of RONDO behind so long as she got to stay with Tsubaki. She hadn't realized how for-real that promise would become. She did miss their old venues.
"But how do we get there today, when we're walking too far for the price of our shoes?" Even though each woman had transport, it wasn't always reliable (hence the heavy lifting and bus routes). The soles of their shoes bore witness to their trials and tribulations. Tsubaki wasn't the only one who had to travel the city in clothes that never wore as well the next day, and with hair that was messy from sleepless nights and early mornings, a lack of time and energy and product to properly care for it the way they used to.
But no matter how tattered their clothing became, no matter how much their wallets shrank, no matter how sun-burnt their skin got, they never ran out of songs to make.
"We may not have started out a garage band," Aoi said to herself as she finally pulled into Hiiro's driveway, "but it fits the image!" Hiiro's place was still the nicest of the group. Aoi didn't even have a garage, living in a tiny apartment. Nagisa had since moved back in with some of her relatives. And even though Tsubaki, like Hiiro, also had a small house of her own, it didn't have a garage. Likewise, again, since this song and video were supposed to be surprises for Tsubaki, they couldn't exactly film and perform at her place.
Nagisa was the only one there at the moment, Hiiro still away at her parttime until later that night. That was perfectly fine with Aoi. She wanted to run the song by Nagisa first, and get the music practiced before the filming began.
"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world," Aoi explained as she gave Nagisa the sheet music.
"Wow, Aoi, not bad for a non-songwriter!" Nagisa nodded approvingly as she scanned the song. It was melancholic, but hard, like Tsubaki and RONDO itself, these days. The little blonde looked eager to play, swift to pick up her electric guitar. It was easy to see what Nagisa valued in her life, that guitar was still in tip-top shape even though Nagisa, and everything else she had on her, had clearly seen better days.
She practiced the song with Aoi for hours until it was perfect, giving a wicked guitar solo in the middle of it. Aoi had written one in for Nagisa on purpose, but Nagisa took her tune and amplified it her own way. It was truly the perfect touch, a spin Aoi couldn't have created on her own. She watched Nagisa play, headbanging to the beat as she strummed the guitar for all it was worth. No, "strummed" seemed too gentle a term for the way Nagisa was rocking out her solo. Even she looked like she was just letting the guitar and music lead her where it wanted to go.
As Aoi watched, she couldn't help but smile. It was similar to what she was thinking earlier. Maybe RONDO didn't start in a small, dingey garage, but their sound always emulated something rougher and more emotional, less polished, than what other bands might do. Nagisa seemed to reflect that now. In her mind, part of what made RONDO so powerful was that it was built on rage. Even if that hadn't been the intention, their sound was hard. Their songs were intense, embodying raw feelings and passion in its purest, most primal form, uninhibited.
Even though they may not have looked it, especially now, they did each carry a bit of "rage" inside of them. Aoi, as laidback as she was, was an intense and intensely caring, passionate person, especially for the things and people she loved. Hiiro, although similarly mature and motherly, could certainly have a temper and be highly disciplinarian when necessary. And Nagisa, although cute and small and smiley, was very hardcore and liked to challenge anyone and anything if she could find the excuse to, including herself and her own limits.
Then of course, there was Tsubaki herself. The girl with so many passionate dreams she wanted to bring to life, and yet life seemed determined to keep those dreams away from the waking world. She was the girl with so much raw emotion, unfettered and uncut, that she cried a river and drowned the world. And in every photograph, no matter how happy the context, her eyes always seemed to want more.
But RONDO wasn't just about intense negative emotions. Part of what made them so grand was the duality that they were also capable of intense positive emotions. Powerful joy and love and hope and excitement. It was this love that drove Aoi to write this song for Tsubaki despite her inexperience with songwriting. It was this excitement that led Nagisa to play with such vim and vigor, even though there were dark circles under her eyes, and she looked skinnier than she used to be. It was with joy that Hiiro agreed to help them bring their idea to life, thinking it was so brilliant and beautiful that even though she would be exhausted after work, she still was passionate about doing this for the band.
And lastly, it was this hope that made Tsubaki cry so much, because she still had so much she cared about, and so much to lose. It was also this hope that led Tsubaki to smile so brightly whenever she was in a rare happy mood. And it was the love of that smile that drove Aoi to sing her heart out in hopes that she could convey every emotion she felt through music, and that Tsubaki would be able to hear and feel it all, too.
ooo
Then suddenly, Aoi was standing in front of Tsubaki with a neatly-wrapped CD in hand. Sure, she could've just emailed the song and video, but that wasn't nearly as meaningful as looking her in the eye and touching her hand as she gave Tsubaki the surprise present.
"What's this?" Even though Tsubaki's eyes were tired and slightly red and puffy, she managed a tiny smile when she saw Aoi drawing near to her.
"A gift for you that Nagisa, Hiiro, and I made together."
"Wh-what?" Tsubaki's eyes widened.
"You'll see when you listen to the song, but…" This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. And while she looks so in photographs, I absolutely love her!
Then she smiled. As Tsubaki took the gift, she smiled up at Aoi. Aoi smiled back, suddenly feeling her heart flutter in her chest. She wasn't sure why she felt this way, but she tried to play it off with a laidback laugh, rubbing the back of her neck.
This is the story of a girl, whose pretty face and voice she hid from the world, and while she looks so sad and lonely there I absolutely love her…
Tsubaki looked excited to watch it, but because she never liked displaying such intense joy in public, she insisted they go to her house at once.
Suddenly, Aoi was in front of an old laptop, standing behind Tsubaki and watching her watch the music video. Tsubaki was silent, but there were tears streaming down her face again. She bit her knuckle to keep quiet, turning around to look Aoi in the eye.
Aoi mouthed along with herself in the video. "This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world! And while she looks so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her…" Aoi paused as the video kept going. She gave Tsubaki a tender look and Tsubaki hopped up to embrace her.
For a moment, Aoi stumbled back, having not expected a hug, let alone one so tight. But she was quick to hug back once she got her bearings. She couldn't see Tsubaki's face anymore, but she didn't need to. She held Tsubaki close and watched the video version of herself sing the song's closing lines. "When she smiles!" And then she smiled.