Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Yor, I –”

“Loid, I can explain! I was –”

“I know your explanations, Yor. I know what you’re going to say.” Yor waits, holding her breath. “That you had to do it. You had to take the job to fend for yourself, for your brother.”

Yor stood frozen. 

“That’s why you married me. That’s why you needed to avoid suspicion. Even more so than anyone else.”

The clock ticked loudly; it echoed in Yor’s ears, sounding through her veins as she struggled to formulate a response.

Loid’s mind flooded with grotesque visions of blood, his nostrils seemed to burn from its stench, hallucinated as it may be. He wished he wasn’t familiar with that smell. His wife… well, “wife,” not wife . His “wife”, staying out late for work… his wife, on the cruise when she couldn’t be found during the fireworks. His wife’s strange answers about what teachings she would instill upon their daughter… Her battered fingers when she came home some nights. The one time she couldn’t sit down and was simply hovering over her chair, was that an injury sustained from… such a task? 

The thought made him begin to heave short, shallow, trembling breaths. Yor, mistaking it for rage, tensed and stepped back, keeping her eyes trained on his face.

She’s on the enemy’s side.  

Loid was at a loss. I’m a failure of a spy. To think she’d been keeping such a secret from me for so many months now. A dry chuckle escaped his lips, it truly is a sham of a marriage. None of it was ever real. Of course. It was a marriage of convenience. And who am I to hold her in contempt, when I still have… the mission.

Shit.

What of the mission? What does this mean for our family? The word “family” made him clench his jaw. The irony of it all was how comfortable he had become using words like “family” and “wife” over the course of this mission. This development could very well cause the mission to fail – he couldn’t allow that. He had to make her stay. For the sake of the mission… right? 

His heart palpitated loudly in his ears

His mind was clouded once again with visions of this sweet, bright-eyed girl combatting armed men. He was in no place to cast judgment about the nature of her missions, and the justification of her clientele’s… fates. He had disposed of enough loose ends himself. That’s hardly what he was concerned about. But the thought of his Yor being in danger – wait, his Yor?

He looked up, startling her. Her face was illuminated by the faint moonlight pouring through their living room windows. Her fearful gaze was returned with a defeated expression from Loid, shoulders dropping as he realized, maybe a bit too late…

I’m in love with Yor.

He was far gone from the calculating, shrewd Loid from before. He had done what was unthinkable in the career of a spy – to get attached to someone. It was far too late now. So he did the only thing he could.

“Don’t lea–”

“Don’t make me leave!” They blurted simultaneously. After a beat, they cocked their heads at each other questioningly.

“Loid, don’t make me leave! I can still be a good wife, I know you’re upset with me but, I swear I can fix this. I’ll, I’ll… yes, I’ll give you any money I make from the job. I’ll take more cooking classes, I’ll… help with Anya’s school just don’t put me out on the–”

“Yor, I never said you have to leave, though,” he reassured, smiling up gently to calm her. Wait, why am I trying to reassure her when she’s the enemy?

“You’re… not?”

“I’m not. You’re my wife, I’d never do that to you.”

What are you saying, Loid? Are you still going to keep up this pretense?
“But that’s just…”

“...”

The silence brewed between them. Just what? After all they had been through together, after how far they had come as a family, could they truly say it was just a sham?

“It’s not just … Yor,” Loid broke the heavy silence. 

Then what is it, Loid? What am I to you? What do you feel for me, is it the same as Ms. Fiona feels for you?  

“You see through me,” Loid said quietly, almost to himself. “You look at me, and all my disguises fall away. You… make me happy. You and Anya. You’re all I have.” 

Some spy I am.  

“Before I say anything else, Yor, I have a question for you.”

“What is it, Loid?”

Does love have room for secrets?

Chapter Text

“Before I say anything else, Yor, I have a question for you.
“What is it, Loid?”

Does love have room for secrets?

“What would you have done? If our roles were reversed… If it were you who found out that I was keeping something like this from you?”

Dammit, Loid, you moron! Why on earth would you say something like that? You might as well take the woman to the headquarters and give her a tour, the way you’re giving yourself away right now! No, calm down. The mission is still underway, and it is still the most important thing.

The most. Important. Thing.

Well, one of the most important things.

“Well, I–” Yor begins, hesitantly, measuring her words and taking odd beats to gather her thoughts and articulate them. 

“I’d… I’d try to understand. Understand the scope of your work. How much danger you put yourself in on a weekly basis. I’d… probably just be more worried about your safety than anything else. I don’t suppose I’d judge your work, but again that’s me coming from a perspective of someone having done that kind of work. Ah, I don’t even know what I’m trying to sa–”

“Would you be upset with me? For keeping this a secret?”

Would I? She wonders. But… wouldn’t that be hypocritical? Then again, it is a matter of trust…

“Hmm, perhaps that wasn’t the right way to ask this. Let me rephrase. How would you feel if I told you that the nights I have to work late, I’m actually out with Ms. Fiona?”

“I would twist every joint in her body and leave her mangled corpse to be eaten by rabid dogs,” she answered with finality, never skipping a beat.

“ Ochitsuke, Yor. Calm down, Yor,” Loid rolled his eyes. Seriously, come to think about it, Yor had never been particularly subtle about her identity. There were too many instances, and Loid just never once bat an eye about it, chalking it up to her individuality.  

“ Hai! Gomen nasai, gomen nasai! Yes, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” Yor frowned at her own idiotic dialogue. 

On Loid’s side however, he had no idea how to interpret that answer. Would that answer be enough to suggest that she would hypothetically do something like that out of jealousy? And well, why would one be jealous if they didn’t have… feelings? Did that mean the feelings he was desperately trying to run from… were… reciprocated? 

Would it change anything whether they were reciprocated or not?

“Um… Loid?”
“Yes?”

“Why did you ask… how I would react if the roles were reversed? Are you saying…”

Shit. Divert, divert. 

“I wanted you to think about and try to understand how I’m feeling about this information. We both know this was not a love marriage, but one of convenience. Regardless, when people start spending enough time together, they develop trust. Comfort. Dependency. I think it’s all the same thing. These do develop over time, whether we like it or not. And I… Anya and I… developed such a relation with you. Needless to say, this information wounded that relation immensely.”

What am I even yapping on about? And why did these words just erupt out of me?  

Loid was trying, unknowingly, not to say any of this. No, he was trying not to even think about any of this. But here it all was, the feelings he had been avoiding, hanging thick in the  air, making it hard to breathe. 

Many moments passed as they both tried to make sense of it all. Yor took slow, careful steps towards Loid, who had by then been seated at his designated couch. She crouched beside his figure, hunched over himself with his chin resting over his hands. He was all too aware of her movement but couldn’t will himself to look over at her just yet.

“ Sawatte mo ii desuka? Is it okay if I touch you?”

Her gentle question made Loid realize he had a lump in his throat. He tried to remember the last time he had felt like this – not since he was a child. He nodded ever so slightly.

It took Loid by surprise as he felt her warm, tight embrace surrounding her in the next instant. She held, no, clutched onto him, her soft, familiar scent filling his lungs. Knowing Yor’s strength full well, he was sure that this was her being gentle. He placed his hands on her shoulder blades gingerly for a moment, wondering what was on her mind. 

But this was the closest he had ever allowed another individual to get (other than Anya), and it felt comforting. So he allowed his arms to snake around her back and reciprocate her embrace, finding himself nuzzling his face into her neck and his fingers tightening their hold on her.

Their first hug. Neither of them could have imagined that it would be in this context.

“I’m sorry, Loid. I can’t lose… our family.”

Her words made his heart shatter in an unfamiliar way. This enemy, this stranger, this … how could someone be so familiar and estranged at the same time? Loid knew her in ways he had never got to know anyone else. He knew how terrible a cook she was. How many spoonfuls of sugar she liked in her tea. Her favorite cake from the pastry shop on the way back from the Civil Service office. Her groggy “good morning’s” and sweet sing-song-y “good night’s” to Anya. 

Is love simply to know someone better than everyone else? Is it to accept their flaws and shortcomings? Is it a grand story to tell the grandkids? Or is it just romanticizing the mundane everyday life to assign specialty to one’s otherwise unexceptional lives? 

Doesn’t matter right now. She is in my arms. 

“I know. I can’t lose our family either,” Loid tightened his embrace for a moment and then let go to speak to her.

“So, for now, how about we go get some sleep? We’ll only be able to get a few hours at best,” Loid said, never taking his hand off her shoulder.

“Umm.. okay. But what about–”

“We never mention a word of this to Anya,” Loid stated, entering crisis management spy mode, his eyes quickly turning cold and narrow. “We continue to live together as we have been. I hope that answers your questions.”

Yor, startled by the certain shift in his tone, decides not to press further. She begins to get up and walk to the corridor.

“Sure, of course, okay then, I’ll head back to my room… good n–”
“One more thing,” Loid says, softly this time. “I won’t ask you to quit the Garden. I mean, I would lov–ahem, I mean, I would highly appreciate if you could quit it. But. I understand that that’s not my call, nor my suggestion to make.”

Yor stood in the hallway, unmoving and holding her breath.

“It’s worth pointing out that the conditions that made you start that work have since changed. So… do what you think is best. For the family, but also, for yourself.”

“Hai. Oyasumi nasai. Yes. Have a good night.”

Chapter Text

After a long night of revelation, Loid and Yor each returned to their separate rooms.

Yor paced back and forth in her room, biting the nail of her thumb in nervousness.

Doushiyo, doushiyo, doushimashouuu….  

(What do I do, what do I do, what do we do…)

How am I supposed to stay in this house after all this? How will I face him tomorrow morning, and every other day to come, now that he knows? I’m sure he hates me now, I bet he hates me with all his being. He would have me out on the streets this instant, and just can’t say so because he knows I have nowhere else to go. Oh, what a gentleman he is to me, even after knowing my truth. I could go live with Yuri… no, he would worry and try to fight Loid without knowing the whole truth. And I definitely can’t have him finding out about this as well. Oh no, what if Loid tells Yuri? Surely he wouldn’t do such a thing? I mean, if he did think so vilely towards me, he would’ve called the police already, no? Wait, what if he’s just waiting till the morning? If I go to sleep now, I could wake up and see our house filled with police officers waiting to take me away! 

Yor took several long, shaky breaths to try to calm herself, but to no avail. Her guilt over her secrecy was burning a hole in her heart, even now that it was finally out in the open. She had always wondered how Loid would respond if he found out. She imagined feeling a weight being lifted off her chest, with her husband, no, her “husband”, knowing the truth. 

How do I know I can trust him? How do I know he’s not waiting for a chance to rat me out to the secret police? Well… the same way I knew that I could ask him to marry me, and he’d understand my reason, and accept me for who I am. This is just an extension of that same logic. Come on, Yor, Loid is an honest and kind man. He would never do that sort of thing.

She began to change into her nightgown, then untie and brush her hair. As she did, she mulled over the events of the night. 

“How would you feel if I told you that the nights I have to work late, I’m actually out with Ms. Fiona?”

Grrrrrrr, why would he say such a thing! She huffed at the thought, her face scrunching into an annoyed frown. 

What did that even mean? Was that… to hint that he has something going on with Ms Fiona on the side? And he just can’t say it to me out loud? Well, of course, if he did have such an … entanglement… NO THAT SOUNDS SO MESSED UP! Well, I could very well just kill her. WAIT NO! Now that Loid knows about my occupation he’d know that it’s me and turn me in to the secret police! 

What if he really did have something with her? It was clear from the time she visited us that they had a good working relationship. What if I’m just royally dumb and failed to see the signs. And if that were the case, of course he would want to be with her, she is so cool and brooding, just like him. A perfect fit. And then there’s me, a failure of a wife that can’t even cook properly. If that wasn’t enough, now that he knows my true identity, he surely will never want anything else to do with me, and now he’ll have no qualms about seeing Ms Fiona. And I can’t even kill her to take care of this.

How am I even going to make amends with him after this? He said we could continue living together as before, but… how would that even work.

I’ll just have to work even harder to be an amazing wife! Yor pumped her fists in determination. 

She clambered into her bed, noticing the sliver of moonlight on her ceiling. She was familiar with this sliver, as it only appeared in the last hour of the night, and often accompanied her as she quietly returned to bed after a long, bloody night of work. Her thoughts ran idle till they found their way back to Loid, as they so often did.

“ Do what you think is best. For the family, but also, for yourself.” Loid’s words rang in her ears. She was truly at a loss. It’s true that she had been considering leaving the Garden for some time since they had been married. It was like Loid had read her mind, when he said that the circumstances had changed since she had started her job. She had a husband and daughter to care for now as well, and not just her brother. They weren’t in any financial strife that she knew of. This job was, of course, her own way to serve her country, to work in the shadows to ensure a brighter future for Ostania. Or… was it? Was this something she simply convinced herself to endure the ruthless job she was required to do? So that she could stomach the fact that she had taken so many lives, albeit that of supposed wrongdoers? 

All this thinking made her head hurt. As she began dozing off into a restless sleep, an idle thought tossed and tumbled around her half-conscious mind.

Aishiteru. I love you. 

Chapter Text

Does this mean the mission is compromised?

Loid reclined in the armchair in his bedroom. What was meant to be a sigh came out as a quivering breath as he tried to relax the tension built up in his shoulders. Sure would be nice if Yor would give me a shoulder rub right about now– no. What does that even mean? 

Why would I even think that, I never needed shoulder rubs before. Even after detonating a nuclear bomb in its final moments before the countdown, I felt fine. 

So why couldn’t he shake this agitation now? More importantly, what kind of stupid thought is that? Pfh, for Yor to give him a shoulder rub. He’s not even your real wife, Twilight.

If this were the Twilight of yore (pun intended), he would’ve come up with twenty solutions and adaptations to the mission by now. Instead, he just… sat there. He sat there, breathing in and breathing out. That was all he could manage right now. 

I wish there was a cipher to translate women’s words and actions , he thought idly, rolling his eyes at himself with a small chuckle. Or at least, he meant to let out a small chuckle, but the lump in his throat from before escaped as almost a sob. 

More calming breaths.

Do I tell Handler? I have to, don’t I? So we can come up with alterations to the plan, and brainstorm solutions. In case this new information makes the mission go awry. 

What if I just up and left? Anya and Yor are fond of each other, so I’m sure Yor will make sure Anya is safe and well. They would do fine without me. Of course I would make sure they are compensated adequately, perhaps disguise Franky so he can help them find a new apartment, and anonymously send them some money. Enough for Anya to continue school… wait, why am I thinking all this? I’ve ghosted plenty of women before after missions were completed, and never once did I have to bother with what happens of them after me.

But of course this is a bit different. They both did have some levels of dependency on me, so I suppose it’s only fair

“Anya will cry if you leave her behind.”

Her words from what felt like an eternity ago, rang in his ears. He remembered the tears that welled up in her eyes, her voice thick as she tried not to cry, her small warm hands clutching the fabric at his knee… my sweet baby.

What the fuck, Loid. Neither of them are “your” anything. They’re just pawns to your mission.

They’re the most important people in my life.

Wake up from this rut and think about the mission.

I would burn both these countries if harm ever came to them.

In the morning, we contact Handler and figure out the next course of action.

I love this family so dearly. Telling Handler means losing them.

“Love” is a joke, and you’re no stranger to loss, Twilight. 

I can’t just leave them. Anya’s been abandoned enough times already.

Twilight, stop this nonsense, you’re being delusional.

I’m being a parent and a husband.

“ Mattaku. Seriously,” Loid huffed to himself, rubbing his face in frustration.

I can’t just not take any action at all. Leaving the situation to fester means inviting failure unto my mission. And Twilight has never once failed a mission, and he’s not about to now. 

I guess we’re playing this by ear, he muses as he begins to take off his sweater to go to bed. As he begins pulling the sweater over his head, he catches a whiff of her scent, still lingering. It makes him stop in his tracks. Without fully thinking why, he scrunches the collar of his top against his face, inhaling deeply, making sure to memorize the fragrance, and the releasing a sigh that finally relaxes the knots of stress in his shoulders. A soft smile plays on his lips as he opts to go to bed with the sweater on, as his body remembers the comfort of her arms.

Comfort is a luxury we, as spies, have long forsaken.