Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jeongin trailed behind his brother, steps silent as they entered the church, his back a solid wall of safety for Jeongin to follow. He could hear people greet them, and Jeongin tried to bow in the right direction, feeling stiff, and uncomfortable in the black blazer his mother had gifted him last year for his birthday with the intention of him wearing it to church. He nodded at Father Kim, a pained smile on his face as the old man gave his Converse a sour look. 

He had already had a fight about his footwear choices with his mom, so he wasn’t in the mood for the priest to scoff at him as well. 

The holy water was cold as Jeongin dipped his fingers into the basin, the cross on his chest a familiar feeling as he followed his brother towards the confessional, where he ranted off his neverending list of sins seeking absolution with prayer and penance, before once more following his brother to the pews their family had long ago made theirs. 

The church was quiet despite the many people. An awed hush had fallen upon the congregation as they let God fill them. Jeongin fit well into his place in the far corner, rosary already in his hands as he bent his head, praying his Hail Marys and Our Fathers to repent this week’s sins.

Even as he finished with his prayer he kept his head bent, pearls shifting through his fingers rhythmically. It was always easier to pretend to be praying than having to try and talk with the people around them, fending off questions about his studies, his hobbies - like Jeongin had any time for that - or, may the Lord have mercy, his shoe choices. Why God himself would be offended by a pair of Converse, Jeongin wasn’t sure about, but they were nice and thus he couldn’t see why God wouldn’t allow his feet comfort. He liked them, and Hyunjin had told him they looked nice the last time he wore them to Bible study. 

Jeongin's stomach swooped oddly as he thought of the tall boy. He couldn’t help but lift his eyes, searching out the pews two rows up fully expecting to find the graceful neck of the familiar boy. 

He frowned when he didn’t see anyone. This was the third Sunday in a row where Hyunjin hadn’t been to church. Worry twisted deep in Jeongin’s stomach. It wasn’t like the older boy to miss anything, least of all Sunday mass. Hyunjin had always been very devout, as was his family.

Hyunjin was perfect. He was the perfect student, the perfect mentor, head of one of the Bible study groups, member of the student council, top of the class, and popular with a hoard of friends and admirers that followed him wherever he went. And Jeongin understood them. 

Hyunjin was beautiful. 

He looked like an angel. Tall, graceful, lithe, and otherworldly. His smile could stop traffic and his laugh was like bells. Beautiful eyes, a regal nose, cheekbones so sharp, Jeongin was afraid that he would cut himself if he touched them. Not that Jeongin would ever get to touch him. 

He couldn’t. 

They weren’t friends. Not even close. They didn’t even belong to the same class at school, Hyunjin reigning over Class A, while Jeongin was hiding in a corner of Class B. To be honest, Hyunjin barely looked at Jeongin. They only talked if they had to, or if they happened to bump into each other in the hallways at school, or outside of the church. Sometimes, Jeongin made up silly questions to ask Hyunjin at Bible study just to hear his voice, calmly explaining the meaning of a verse. Jeongin would watch as those soft pillowy lips formed the words that he heard none of, too lost in his staring. 

The love he had for Hyunjin was like a dark bruise on his heart. A forbidden sin Jeongin carried with him everywhere. Only in the dark of his room did he allow it to bloom, to fill his chest and make his blood sing. Only when he was on his own, him and God alone, did Jeongin allow himself to admit how much he loved Hyunjin. 

Feeling his cheeks flush, Jeongin hurriedly looked away again, for once thankful as Father Kim started the mass, letting the familiar rituals wash over him. 

It was always so much easier not to think. To not think about Hyunjin, or about how the mere thought of the other boy made Jeongin’s heart beat a mile a minute, and made his palms feel sweaty. He didn’t even dare let his thoughts drift to the few times he and Hyunjin had talked, and Jeongin had been nothing but a flustered mess. 

Jeongin knew he shouldn’t feel this way. His love, no matter how pure, was a sin. 

So, Jeongin didn’t think about any of it. Not a bit, because as long as he didn’t think, as long as he ignored it, he didn’t have to be a sinner. He didn’t have to be wrong. If Jeongin just remained as his mother’s good Catholic son he would still be good. Not perfect like his brother, but good. 

And Jeongin so desperately wanted to be good. 

He didn’t think during mass, just allowed the Father’s preaching to wash over him, singing along to the hymns and accepting communion, and finally, allowed the blessing to settle over him as it all came to an end. 

It wasn’t until they were walking out to the parking lot, the cold autumn air washing away the fog the incense had left in his head, that Jeongin caught sight of Hyunjin’s parents that he once more wondered where their son was. 

“Mom?” He asked, confused, as he saw old Mr. and Mrs. Kim gently walk up to Hyunjin’s parents, tears in old Mrs. Kim’s eyes as she hugged Mrs. Hwang. “Where is Hyunjin? I haven’t seen him in ages. Is he sick?” He added, dread settling in his stomach as tears welled up in his mother’s eyes. 

“Oh, honey, I thought the school had told you,” she said, hand reaching out to tug a lock of his hair behind his ear. “Hyunjin passed away.” 

Hyunjin… was dead? That couldn’t possibly be true, but his mother sounded so sincere, and her eyes reflected the pain that had fallen across Jeongin’s face.

Jeongin’s heart hadn’t been broken before. He had been lucky enough to never lose anyone he truly and genuinely loved while he was old enough to remember it. He had never felt the pain of death and grief. 

In that second, it felt like his whole heart had been ripped out of his chest. 

“D-dead?” Jeongin stuttered, breath leaving his lungs in short abrupt gasps. “What? How can he be dead?” He asked, hands shaking. He stuffed them in his pockets, out of sight like a secret. 

“He got in an accident while he was in Seoul. His parents had him buried in their old church last week,” His mother’s eyes were kind. No doubt she thought her son was mourning a classmate. A distant friend. “It was very quick. He didn’t suffer, and the Lord has him now,” she added, hand stroking his cheek. 

“Ho- How can he be dead?” Jeongin’s voice shook, his whole chest hurting. How could he not have known? How come people hadn’t talked about it at all, how… how could someone as bright and lovely as Hyunjin just be gone?

Jeongin didn’t even know he was crying, tears silently tumbling down his cheeks. 

“The Lord moves in mysterious ways. He always takes his best children first,” his mother continued, eyes straying to where Mrs. Hwang was walking away, back straight and strong. “I'm sorry no one told you. I didn’t even know you were friends. Now, don’t cry, you silly child,” his mother sighed, pulling Jeongin closer. 

Jeongin could only sob, the pieces of his broken heart seeping out of him and into his mother's shoulder as people gave him weary looks. He didn’t notice how his father and brother looked away, a frown on both their faces. 

oOo

Forgive me, God, for I have sinned.

I can’t stop thinking of him. Even if he is with you, he still haunts my dreams.

Please release me from this trial.

I promise I won’t look at others like that again.

Please absolve me.

oOo

3 years later.  

oOo

“Felix, I swear, if you’ve stolen my cardigan again I’ll hurt you,” Jeongin yelled, head halfway down his backpack. “I told you, I wanted to wear it today,” he grunted, pulling out a chemistry book and replacing it with his computer and the novel he was reading for Modern Literature. 

“FU- rick,” Felix yelled, a loud noise following. “The books on the floor are mine. I'll clean up later,” Felix huffed, sounding out of breath, his head popping into Jeongin’s room. “Your cardigan was on the couch, Dummy,” He said, throwing the big red garment right at Jeongin’s face. 

He caught it in the air, grimacing at Felix. “Next year, no 8 a.m. classes.”

“Agreed,” Felix said, disappearing back into the living room as he grabbed his stuff. 

He and Jeongin eventually made it out the door, laughing and messing with each other as they raced down their stairs, as always, just barely out the door on time. 

They ran to the bus, both enjoying the short trip to campus before they got off at the same spot - a rarity, as Jeongin usually had to go a few stops further to get to the science department. They didn’t split until Felix dragged his gym bag with him towards the dance studios and Jeongin continued towards the lecture halls. 

“Lunch?” Felix called as he ran away, throwing a big grin over his shoulder. Jeongin could only laugh, smiling back as he replied affirmative, speeding up so he wasn’t late. 

Every day, Jeongin thanked God for giving him Felix as his best friend. They had met on the first day of university, standing in the same group of strangers looking equally terrified. In the end, it had been the crosses hanging from both their necks that drew them close, a hesitant connection made over a shared religion. 

Or almost shared. 

Felix was Lutheran, and while their faith was similar, they weren’t the same. Yet, Felix understood why Jeongin was up early on a Sunday because he was too. He, too, prayed before eating, and when Jeongin sneaked out of a party because people were getting drunk, dumb, and handsy, Felix was usually right behind him his cheeks as pink as Jeongin’s. 

They both took classes their parents wouldn’t like - Felix studied dance instead of political science, and Jeongin was sneaking in classes of literature and poetry between his obligatory classes for the degree in engineering that was slowly killing him. Both swore they would one day tell their parents off, and give up on their double degrees, knowing full well they would never do it, and end up with jobs they hated. 

They had both lived sheltered lives with strict parents and were finally set free into the world, lost and curious. He and Felix were exactly the same. 

It didn’t matter that Felix had grown up in Australia and that he always preferred pizza over jokbal. It didn’t matter that Jeongin didn’t dance, and had no idea if Felix was even any good or not. They both missed the sea of their hometown, even if they were miles apart. Both missed their siblings, both wanted to break out of their shells without truly daring to go against their upbringing. 

In Felix, Jeongin found comfort and understanding.

Jeongin skipped up the steps, an odd excitement filling him as he neared his lecture hall. He had loved the book they had been assigned to read before the semester started, and he couldn’t wait to tear it apart in class. With a tug, he hid his crucifix under his shirt, shielding it away from some of the odd looks he knew would get sent his way otherwise.

Sinking into his seat, Jeongin smiled, glad that he for once wouldn’t be bored in class. 

oOo

Jeongin strolled up to the dance studio knowing Felix would be late. The whole class was very dedicated, and it often took the next class chasing them out before they finally stopped practicing. Not that Jeongin cared. He was in a good mood, the rushed pace from the morning long gone as he allowed himself to take in the late summer air, enjoying that he was back in Seoul and wouldn’t have to deal with his parents for a few months. 

It was freeing being away from it all. To smile and laugh and not be devoted to God all the time. To just live. To be a good Christian, but still with an open heart, ready to accept people who were not like him. Like Felix, who his parents didn’t like because he was a Lutheran, or that his old TA from his first year and now friend, Chan - oddly enough also Australian - who was agnostic. 

It was nice knowing people who weren’t like him. 

But more than anything, Jeongin was glad to be away from Father Kim and his silent disdain. Away from the hushed judgment and the congregation’s watching eyes.  

He smiled as he reached the dance studios, seeing Felix running around and gathering his things in a rush through the big window. He waved at Minho - one of the older dance majors that Felix and Jeongin often hung out with - as he rushed past him to get to his next class. The older man threw him a cat-like smile, giving him a promise of making dinner for all of them later in the week over his shoulder as he ran off. 

Jeongin could only smile, pulling out his phone to text Chan and let him know to keep his Friday free. Jeongin knew that the older man would hate to miss a ‘family’ dinner. 

A few more students smiled at Jeongin as they made their way past him, and Jeongin felt a warm feeling settle under his ribs. He fit in more on this part of campus than he ever had on the other side amongst the engineering and chemistry students. 

He was just putting his phone back in his pocket when he heard it; A voice so familiar it made Jeongin’s heart hurt with long-forgotten mourning. A voice full of everything Jeongin had once desired and had lost before he had even allowed himself a taste of it.

The voice was of the boy he had called his first love, the voice he had grieved over alone in the darkness of his childhood room. He hadn’t heard that voice in three years. 

Feeling his face pale, while a mixture of trepidation and jubilation found a home in his stomach, Jeongin turned his head, somehow fully expecting to see him standing there smiling like he usually did. Of course, Jeongin didn’t find the boy his mind had tricked him into anticipating.

His eyes flickered all over the square, eyes flickering from one person to another, but he didn’t find the familiar dark hair, nor did he see anyone looking at him with those heartbreakingly beautiful eyes that still haunted his dreams. 

Only a tall man with outgrown bleached hair, and big baggy workout clothing tugged weakly at Jeongin’s memory, but even from behind Jeongin could see the earrings dangling from his ears, dark lines hinting at a tattoo peeking out from where his shirt had slipped down his shoulder. He was holding a half-eaten apple in his hand, phone pressed to his ear.

Jeongin’s foolish heart dropped. Of course, Hyunjin wasn’t here. He was dead. Had been for three long years. 

“Jeongin? Jeongin!” Felix was yelling in his ears, and Jeongin jumped as he returned to the present, the tall blond man disappearing into the crowd.

Jeongin’s heart hurt. 

“Hey, what’s up, you look like you’re seen a ghost,” Felix asked, his worried voice finally breaking through the fog in Jeongin’s mind. “Are you getting sick?” He fussed, hands warm against Jeongin’s forehead. 

“Sorry, I just saw someone I thought I knew,” Jeongin said, shaking his head before he forced a smile. “My head jumped to conclusions,” he added with a strained smile, his chest easing with each breath. 

It wasn’t the first time Jeongin had fooled himself into thinking he was still alive. 

“If you’re sure,” Felix asked, the worry never quite disappearing. “Come on, let’s go eat. You look like you need it. Did you even eat breakfast?” He muttered, his tiny hand taking a hold of Jeongin’s as he pulled him along forcefully towards the closest café. 

“I did,” Jeongin replied, trying not to stumble. Anyone who ever underestimated the strength of Felix’s small body was a fool. He might look delicate, but, much like Chan, he was pure muscle. “And you should know since you stole half my toast,” he added with a smile that only got bigger when Felix glared at him over his shoulder. 

“I bought the bread, therefore my toast,” Felix huffed, though it was hard to miss how he was struggling not to smile. 

“My toaster, my bread,” Jeongin shot back, laughing when his friend hit his shoulder. 

oOo

There were few things as calming as attending Sunday mass, to have God’s light fall upon oneself, and to have received the blessing of Christ through the Eucharist. Jeongin felt like a new person every Sunday, somehow resting in the knowledge that his sins had all been forgiven and that he was clean and pure in the eyes of God.

He wished the feeling would last longer than it did every week.

He smiled as he made his way to the bus stop, keeping a sedate pace as he tried to uphold the day of rest. He jumped a little as he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, surprised when he saw it was his mom calling.

“Mom. Hi. What’s up?” He answered when he picked up, confusion tinting his words. “Shouldn’t you be having lunch soon?” It was unlike his parents to do much other than eat lunch and contemplate the word on Christ on Sundays after attending mass. His dad was very particular about keeping the day of rest sacred. 

“Have you been to church?” She asked, a hint of worry in her voice. Jeongin frowned, looking back to where the big church tower of the cathedral hovered over the city, magnificent and threatening in its grandeur.

“Of course,” Jeongin replied. “I just finished. Why?”

“You only just finished mass?” She asked disapprovingly. “Why so late? We always attend mass early in the morning. Don’t tell me you’ve grown lazy with age.”

“I wanted to participate in the Latin mass today,” Jeongin defended himself. Sure, there was mass at ten, but he usually went for the later one at eleven-thirty. One, because it was an hour later, and he had to travel quite a bit to reach it, and two, he liked the Latin part. It also puts his forcefully learned Latin to the test. “You know I prefer the Latin mass. What is this even about?” He asked, leaning back against a pole as he kept watch for his bus. The sun was shining brightly, still, a good chunk of summer left. 

“It… Father Kim mentioned something to me today, and I was worried,” his mother muttered, clearly trying to send remorse for doubting him. Except she wasn’t really succeeding. “And you know young people these days. They can’t wait to get away from their parents to sin.”

“Mom, I’m behaving according to the scriptures,” Jeongin said, trying to keep his voice respectful. He didn’t want to sin just after having been absolved. “You raised me well. I’m not abandoning my religion just because I moved to Seoul for a few years.”

“I still don’t understand why you couldn’t study in Busan like your brother,” his mother said, voice tight. Jeongin wanted to curse. The calm from the mass was long gone and he was left with only annoyance. 

“Because this is one of the best universities in the whole of South Korea. It’s very hard to get in, Mom. You should be proud,” he said, trying hard to keep his voice even. Everyone else had been so impressed when he got into this university, but his parents remained firm in their displeasure. Busan was better than everywhere else. The closer he was to home, the further he was from sin.

“Of course, I’m proud,” his mother said in that voice that she used when she thought Jeongin was an attention-seeking little kid. “But Busan is good. You could live at home. Come with us to church. You'd be safe.”

“Mom, I'm perfectly safe here. I don’t know what Father Kim said, but I'm doing well here. I'm learning and growing. And going to church and attending Bible study every week,” Jeongin said, spotting the outline of his bus at the end of the long street. “Seoul is good to me. And I can’t live with you and dad forever. Even Jeonghwan moved out last year. I'm going to be fine.”

“You'd be better here,” his mother scoffed, the ‘ where I can see you ’ not as silent as she perhaps had hoped. 

“I won’t stay here forever,” Jeongin said, words feeling like a lie as he said them. “Anyways, I have to go, the bus is here soon and I have to go to my friend’s place for lunch.”

“You’re going out? On a Sunday?” His mom questioned, voice getting loud enough that Jeongin could hear his father slam his Bible shut in the other room.

“I'm just having lunch, mom, sitting still while he cooks for me. I’d be working less than if I was at home. He just wanted to thank me for helping him with his project last week. I’ll be home early,” Jeongin tried to defend himself, knowing full well he couldn't save it. His parents were really odd about Sundays. 

Jeongin had once been told off for laughing on a Sunday. 

“You really should come home,” his mother said, voice tight before she said her goodbyes, barely giving Jeongin a chance to return them before she hung up, disappointment heavy in her words. 

oOo

Dear God,

Please forgive my sins and lead me to salvation

I’ll try to make my parents happy

Just guide me and grant them patience 

I know I am a sinful son 

oOo

Jeongin groaned as he slumped over his books, feeling more helpless than usual. His whole head hurt and the numbers on the page were beginning to jump around like ants. His eyes drifted to the novel he was reading, a deep sigh of longing escaping him. 

He was in a terrible mood.

“You sure you can’t just switch classes?” Jisung asked innocently, looking up from his stack of notes. They were scattered on Minho’s living room floor, some of them having traveled as far as over to Felix, who was asleep on top of his sociology book, while only Seungmin - also stuck with some of Jisung’s stray notes - actually looked like he was enjoying himself. 

“My father will kill me,” Jeongin groaned into his book. “He’s already disappointed that I’m not going to the same school my brother did and that I haven’t become a doctor,”

“Isn’t your brother a lawyer?” Minho asked as he dropped down onto the floor next to Jeongin, gently tugging the book away from Felix so he was lying a bit more comfortable. 

“He is,” Jeongin muttered into his book. “I was supposed to be a doctor and my little brother an engineer. I’ve messed up his grand plan by getting queasy at the sight of blood,” he sighed finally getting up from the floor, having already made his back ache from slouching over his book on the floor.

“Parents are weird,” Jisung said, shaking his head as he looked down at his own messy scrawl. “Like, I was blessed that my dad was in a rock band and accepted that I wanted to do music, but Channie’s parents almost disowned him when he traveled here.”

“Wasn’t just the choice of study material,” Chan interrupted as he walked into the room, stretching. A few joints popped and a sliver of his belly peaked out, forcing Jeongin to look away. Chan squeezed in next to Felix, his whole face softening when Felix sleepily nuzzled into him.

“But you’re perfect, Chan,” Jeongin sighed, sourly scowling at his physics homework. “You’re good at everything,” he added, deciding to just close the book. 

“I doubt my parents will agree to that,” he said with a grin. “Thanks for letting me crash, Minho,” he added, smiling softly at the older boy. 

“You know I like having you in my bed,” Minho leered, earning him a smack on the shoulder from Jeongin and a squeak from Jisung. Seungmin even gifted him a sharp look from over the top of his book.  

Chan’s cheeks flushed pink. 

“Anyways,” Chan said with a quick unsure look at Jeongin who was busy trying to escape Minho’s tickle retaliation attack. “Minho, would you mind if Bin brought one of our classmates from Music Composition on Friday?”

Minho looked up, intrigued. 

“Has the Iron Bin been swooned by someone?” He asked with a smile, leaving Jeongin gasping on the floor. “Has someone finally broken through that dark icy heart of his? Will one of our children finally find love?” He added with a laugh, sticking his tongue out when Jisung bounced a ball of paper off his head. 

“Sadly, no,” Chan says, eyes flickering to Felix who just looked back at him with a sharp look. Jisung smirked. “Jinnie’s just a friend. He doesn't really have a lot of friends and family, and well…”

“You’re planning to adopt him if he gets along with the rest of your kids,” Seungmin said calmly as if stating a fact, closing his book. He glanced up, looking every part like the professor in political science he was slowly becoming. “Does the poor guy know he’s auditioning as a kid?” 

“I’m not adopting him,” Chan said defensively, pointing at Seungmin. “Binnie is,” 

“Wait, Hyunjin?” Jisung asked, nose scrunching at the name. “Hyunjin from my class?” 

Jeongin, who had just put away his physics book in his backpack, lost his balance and crashed back to the floor. 

That name was haunting him.

“Innie?” Chan yelped, jumping up, making the half-awake Felix bounce as he rushed off the couch. “What happened?” Chan asked worriedly as both he and Minho began to fuss. 

“Slipped on some paper,” Jeongin muttered, his ears feeling warm. He shook his head, gently pushing Minho and Chan off him. “Stop fussing, you mother hens,” he huffed, pouting as Minho messed with his hair. Seungmin just looked on in amusement, doing nothing to stop the two oldest from fussing over their youngest. 

“But yeah, it’s that Hyunjin,” Chan said, looking back up at Jisung as he finally answered him. “That won’t be a problem, will it?” He added, voice a little tight. Jeongin looked at Jisung curiously as the other man hurried to look away.

“I suppose his singing has improved,” Jisung muttered sullenly, very interested in his notes again. “And the beat Binnie was talking about was pretty neat,” he said, pointedly not looking up at Chan’s grin.

“I assume this is the Grade A, pretty as fuck asshole who can’t rap to save his life?” Minho asked dryly, smiling when Jisung’s ears started to get red. “Or as you used to call him, the gorgeous asshat.”

“I take it you two didn’t get along?” Jeongin asked with a smile, finally shaking the last of his shock off. He needed to get over hearing that name. He was gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. 

His Hyunjin had long since left this world, and Hyunjin was a pretty name so of course, others would be called that as well. 

“Well, excuse me for not falling for his arrogant shit,” Jisung huffed, looking mildly offended. The red tinge to his cheeks revealed his embarrassment. “I just tried to help and Mr. Pretty Boy went sideways. Not my fault he pissed me off.”

“And the option of just leaving him alone wasn’t there, I take it,” Chan said with a smile. 

“Anyways, Hyunjin has a crazy family. Heard a few things and… he’s got it bad… once you get over him looking like motherfucking Adonis. And, like, the man knows he’s pretty, okay. Don’t come for me getting mad when uses his charms to get out of not doing his parts on time,” Jisung said, looking a little like the words were forcefully pulled out of him. “He’s definitely gotten better. Terrible sense of humor, though,” he added under his breath. 

“What’s up with his family?” Minho asked with a curious look. 

“A bunch of assholes with no sense of reality. Apparently, they decided to kick him out because he wanted to do music and art, or some shit,” Jisung sighed, frowning a little. “He wrote some lyrics… the teacher showed us without Hyunjin quite agreeing to it, and like, if just half that shits true, then he deserves to be an asshole.”

Minho reached over the table to gently pat Jisung’s hand. 

“That’s why he kept handing things in late,” Jisung muttered so quietly it was barely audible. “Because he had to work his ass off to support himself while studying. Kinda makes it difficult to stay mad.” 

Chan sighed and Jeongin felt something odd at the mention of parents. His eyes found the tabletop, a dent pressed into the wood taking up all his focus. 

“Well, good thing Binnie is making sure Chan adopts him then,” Minho said with a sigh. His free hand settled on Jeongin’s shoulders, pulling him close to his side. “What would you like to eat on Friday, my little Innie?” Minho asked, leaning into Jeongin’s side.

“Galbi gui,” Jeongin said, pretending to struggle in Minho’s hold as he leaned closer. “Kongnamul and gyeran-mari.” 

“And Kimchi Jjigae,” Seungmin added with an air of finality. Minho huffed, muttering about why no other soups were allowed. 

Jeongin allowed the others to yell and goof around, Chan launching back on the couch with Felix pressed to his side. He looked over them, feeling something soft flutter in his chest. He wondered if this was how other people felt with their family, or if Jeongin just wasn’t perfect enough to fit in with his own, because he had never felt more at home than he did now, sitting on the floor of an old apartment, noise, and chaos all around him. 

Perhaps Jeongin should break his mother’s heart and get a job in Seoul. Actually move away from Busan and settle here with his litter of strays. Finally get away from the congregation and the memories. 

Finally get away from the ghost of his Hyunjin. 

Jeongin leaned back, closed his eyes, and breathed in deeply. He had to stop thinking of the dead boy. He really had to. They had barely known each other, and Jeongin hated how the loss of the boy felt like a piece of himself had been lost as well. 

Ever since the other day the dreams had been back. 

He guessed he owed Hyunjin a lot. Whenever Jeongin’s faith wavered, whenever his eyes would drift to places he shouldn’t look when boys made his cheeks pink and his heart sped up, he would think of the boy, and no one, not a single soul, was as beautiful as Hyunjin had been. 

Their eyes weren’t as charming, their smiles not nearly as alluring, their voice rough and raspy compared to his calm melodious one. They might have made Jeongin’s heart beat faster but they never made it race like Hyunjin had. They never made him feel so much like Icarus aiming straight for the sky. 

It was so much easier to ignore. So much easier to hide that dark stain on him because if it wasn’t Hyunjin, then it wasn’t worth damnation. 

For Jeongin it had never been this easy to forget his sinful side because the only one truly able to take him away from the righteous path of God had been Hyunjin. Jeongin could never let go of the love he had for the dead boy. He clung to it, held it pressed tightly against his heart. 

If Jeongin loved a dead boy with pure affection, then he couldn’t taint someone alive with his sinful desire.

oOo

Forgive me, Father

I dreamt of him again. 

I try not to…

I miss him. I don't know if that’s a sin

I’ll try and do better

Please, just let me forget him

Let him have peace from my impure love 

oOo

Jeongin slipped into the seat of his physics lecture, a headache already building. He hated physics, but to become an engineer he kind of needed it at an advanced level. It wasn’t that Jeongin was bad at it. The hard course material his mother had forced on him at a young age had taught him that everything was a challenge, and even if things didn’t come easily, there were few things Jeongin couldn’t teach himself. Starting in high school, after having been homeschooled his whole life, had also shown him that he was more than just a little clever. Entering university had been a relief because suddenly things were at the level he was used to reading. 

He still hated how much time he had to spend making this course understandable though. It took time away from his novels. He sighed, looking up, and upon seeing the professor wasn’t there he reached into his bag and pulled out the latest novel he was in the middle of reading.

Within seconds he was lost in the words on the pages, swept into the life of the protagonist who was nothing like Jeongin, free and untroubled as he drifted through life. Jeongin so desperately longed to feel the same kind of freedom, a taste of impertinence he himself would never get to experience.

A pencil making its way between his ribs made Jeongin jump, startled to see the professor beginning to start his lecture. He looked to the side, catching sight of Yedam, a fellow engineering student, smirking knowingly.

When their eyes met, Yedam’s smirk shifted to a smile as he winked in a friendly way, before turning his head to look at the PowerPoint the lecturer was starting to rant about. With a quiet sigh, Jeongin closed his book, feeling his cheeks flush - and not just from embarrassment. 

His eyes strayed to where Yedam’s elegant hands were hovering over his keyboard, long fingers picking at the keys like a musician. Feeling his cheeks blush even more, Jeongin forced his eyes away, shame licking at him like the fire from hell. 

Sinner , his head hissed at him, and in redemption, Jeongin buried his head in his physics book, his hands flying like a bird over the pages as he added notes. If he just worked hard enough all the thoughts would go away. 

Jeongin wouldn’t fall into temptation.

oOo

Jeongin heaved a sigh of relief as he finally escaped his physics lecture. The fresh air was like a gentle hand on his aching head as he hurried down the steps of the building, thinking of one thing only; Coffee.

Jeongin wasn’t allowed to drink coffee. His mother found it a terrible habit, and the fear of any of her kids becoming addicted to anything, but good Christian faith, irked her endlessly. Thankfully, what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, and as she knew nothing of Jisung, she most certainly didn’t need to know how he had gotten Jeongin hooked on coffee. 

Unlike Jisung, Jeongin did prefer to sweeten up his coffee a little and would usually have them add milk. 

The only good thing about Jeongin’s physics lecture was that it was right next to the music department, meaning Jeongin could go just a little further and enjoy his coffee in the artsier - and in his opinion, much better - café Jisung himself frequented. It was like a breath of fresh air as Jeongin pushed the door open, a barista with a wild haircut smiling at him as soon as she saw him. 

He had been there enough for most of the staff to recognize him, which wasn’t a wonder because he went there with Jisung, Chan, and Changbin often, and, well, it was hard going anywhere with any of them and not be noticed. Changbin was a little loud… and Jisung was a terrible enabler. 

“A double shot latte, as big as it can get,” Jeongin ordered with a pained smile. The girl gave him a kind and pitiful look as she accepted his payment, pointing to the waiting area at the other end of the counter. 

Jeongin made his way over, trying to be as quiet and invisible as he could. Now that he didn’t have the others with him, he felt a little out of place in his plain jeans and tucked-in polo. He couldn’t help but look at the others around them, taking in the colorful and fashionable attire most of them wore.

Jeongin sighed in jealousy. Even if he wanted to dress differently, he knew he would look like a moron if he tried to wear one of Changbin’s leather jackets. He was too plain to even try something outside of his ordinary style.

Leaning against the counter, Jeongin followed the girl with his eyes as she accepted another order, his cup waiting patiently for its turn to be filled. He allowed his eyes to travel around the room a bit, briefly lingering on the bright red apples in the fruit bowl before moving on, his gaze eventually landed on a guy sitting at the table next to him. 

His back was turned, a big pair of earphones covering most of his head as his fingers flew over his keys, a clicking of on and off that got more and more frustrated. A big apple was next to his computer, matching the ones from the fruit bowl. 

Jeoungin blinked, hands getting a little warm as he continued to stare at the guy mindlessly. His hair was dyed blond, but it has grown out a bit leaving him stranded somewhere halfway between the two colors. Sometimes the man would tilt his head, the little ponytail he had messily pulled his hair into bouncing happily along. 

Jeongin wanted to touch it, to feel the blond strands. To know if they were soft.

A leather jacket hung over the back of the chair, leaving a pair of pale arms sticking out from a worn paint spotted t-shirt that looked like it was more distressed from wear than fashion. The light cast shadows on the soft skin, highlighting the toned muscles that went taut and relaxed with every movement. 

Jeongin’s fingers twitched, both with the need to touch and the unquenchable need to write. 

This man, even from the back, was deserving of sonnets and novels, of whole worlds built around him, of empires and silent forests, of reckless love and deep, and never-ending devotion. 

Jeongin’s heart beat fast in his chest, breath stuttering out of him. He took a step, drawn in like a moth to a flame. A silent hi , an excuse of his jacket having fallen or anything was forming in his head. Because somehow, Jeongin just knew he had to speak to this man. Jeongin needed to see his face, see his eyes and hear his voice. 

Millions of fictional scenarios rushed through Jeongin’s head, hopes and dreams, a deep-seated desire to reach out, and -

“A large latte, double shot,” the barista’s voice cut through Jeongin’s thoughts like a knife. He jumped, startled eyes finding the cup pushed gently towards him. He blinked, looking up to meet the eyes of the girl with the artfully messy hair. Her eyes flickered to the boy with the blond hair, a knowing smile growing on her face as she winked at Jeongin.

Shame filled him like poison.

“Thank you,” Jeongin forced out, feeling his face pale as his whole body grew cold. He had originally thought about drinking most of his coffee at the café and then taking the other half with him to the library to study, but suddenly he couldn’t stand being there a second longer. 

With a last look at the girl, he fled out the door, almost getting his bag trapped in the door. He didn’t see the blond guy looking up, his confused eyes following Jeongin’s running shape until he turned around a building. 

oOo

Dear God,

Please make it stop

Please set me free and protect me from sin

I didn’t mean it… I really didn’t

He was…He was just pretty

I’ll be good, please, I promise I’ll be good

oOo

Jeongin rushed up the stairs, the air rushing in and out of his lungs so fast he could barely keep up. He skipped up the steps, silently regretting that his legs weren’t longer. It was a sin to curse at people, but if Jeongin could, he would curse the leader of the Bible study at his church. 

They had agreed to be done before 4 p.m. 

Spoiler alert, they hadn’t been. 

No, because as usual Hangyeol just had to sit down and start one of his ‘discussions’ which meant a long monologue about the temptations of the world, why women were slowly being tempted into satanism through the modern workforce, and whatever nonsense he had come up with.

Jeongin had given up listening to him ages ago. 

Once he was finally done spouting nonsense, Seojin, the pretty girl who had started in the bible study group along with Jeongin, had asked him to follow her to the bus. It had only taken a look at Hangyeol moving closer to make him offer his arm to the poor girl.

He knew Hangyeol wanted to court Seojin, they all did. And really, letting an innocent girl fall into that man’s hands would be close to a cardinal sin. And so, Jeongin was even more delayed. 

As it was, thankfully he and Seojin had to go to the same bus stop and he had talked with her happily until she had to get on. Jeongin couldn’t help but stare at her as she got off the bus, a sick feeling filling him. He knew he should like her more than he did. She would be perfect, his dad would accept her, his mom would adore her, and his brothers would be appropriately jealous… but Jeongin just wanted to run away. 

He felt nothing but fear and despair when thinking about marriage… and girls.

Jeongin shook his head, forcing himself to focus as he finally reached Minho’s door. He barely had to knock before Felix tore the door open, smiling brightly as he dragged Jeongin into the living room. Jeongin somehow managed to kick off his shoes, before he ended up being presented in front of the crowd assembled inside the cozy room. 

“Look, he survived yet another church meeting, my friends,” he grinned, shoving Jeongin down onto the dingy couch. 

“I'm sorry I’m late,” Jeongin wheezed out, collapsing completely into the mismatched pillows. Seungmin handed him a glass of water before he sat down elegantly next to Felix, smiling kindly at Jeongin.

“It’s fine,” Minho said from inside his kitchen, voice filled with a cheeky smile. Jeongin tried to smile gratefully at Seungmin over the rim of his glass as he drained it in one go, leaving it empty on the table. 

He gave the wine glass belonging to Seungmin a curious look. Jeongin wasn’t allowed to drink, so his curiosity would have to remain just that. 

“Our musical idiots have forgotten time as well, so you’re far from the last one to show up,” Seungmin said with a huff. Jeongin pulled out his phone, frowning as he looked at the clock. They had planned to meet up at five… it was currently a little past six. 

“Oh,” Jeongin blinked, looking up at the others who just shrugged. 

“You know how they are,” Felix said cheerfully as always. Jeongin had to nod in agreement. The three music students did have a bad habit of losing time when they were in the studio. 

“I don’t expect to see them before seven,” Minho said, walking in and putting a few bags of snacks on the table. He dropped unceremoniously into the seat next to Jeongin, his arm wrapping around his shoulder. “We’re like the abandoned wives club.”

“And who am I married to?” Seungmin asked with a lifted eyebrow. His eyes strayed to Jeongin who just smiled at him, rolling his eyes at Minho’s antics. Thankfully Jeongin wasn't in love with any of his friends. 

He at least got to live without that cliché. 

“Jisung,” Felix answered with a laugh when Seungmin almost choked on air at his words. “Chan is obviously Minho’s. He basically lives here.”

“And you take Binnie,” Minho asked, voice dripping with sweetness. Felix’s cheeks got all pink and Jeongin couldn’t help but look at his friend a little confused. “You’re perfect for each other.”

“We are not,” Felix muttered, eyes flickering away as he buried himself in Seungmin’s side. 

“And I'm the sad single friend?” Jeongin asked with playfully affronted, lips pursing into an exaggerated pout. “How mean.” 

“You can have Jisung,” Seungmin said with his usual calm, a devilish glimmer in his eyes. “Or even better-”

“- the new guy,” Minho finished for him, a smile matching the evil glint in Seungmin’s eyes spreading on his face. “We are four perfect couples. It must be fate.”

In the narrow hallway, the door banged open just as Felix was about to say something. Chan jumped in on one leg, as he tried to take his shoes off without falling. “We’re so fucking late, sorry,” he said, tumbling into the room. Minho couldn’t hold back his laughter and neither could Seungmin. 

“Did we miss anything?” Jisung asked as his head poked through the door, followed by Changbin.

“We were just talking about how you, our dear husbands, had abandoned us,” Minho grinned. Chan fell to the floor, looking up at Minho with huge eyes. “Felix was just about to suggest that he and Seungmin eloped since neither you nor Changbin was here,” he said to Jisung.

“My Lix would never leave me,” Changbin said, catching up to Minho’s joke faster than the others and made a kissy face at Felix who got completely red-faced. “Though I understand Seungmin. If I was married to Jisung, I’d run too,” he added with a grin, jumping away before Jisung could get ahold of him. 

“Hmm, luckily for Chan he’s too handsome to leave,” Minho smirked, eyes settling on Chan who looked like he was choking. Jeongin couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Sometimes Chan made it too easy for Minho to tease him. 

“You left Innie single,” Chan said with a cough. He settled on the floor, clearly pretending he had always intended to sit there. 

“No, we married him off to the new guy,” Seungmin said with a wink at Jeongin. 

“Changbin,” a soft velvety voice said from the door. “You could have mentioned you had already arranged my marriage.” 

Jeongin’s heart stopped in his chest at the sound. 

“I would have dressed better if I knew I was meeting my husband-to-be,” the newcomer said as he stepped through the door. 

The stranger was tall, with long lithe limbs stretching on forever, perfect to wrap someone up in a tight hug. He was dressed in a paint-splattered black t-shirt and black jeans distressed to the point of indecency. His mesmerizing eyes were drawn up with eyeliner, making them even more strikingly lethal as he leaned against the door frame, a hand drifting through his shoulder-length blonde hair. 

His nails were black, and a tattoo peeked out from the collar of his shirt. His plump red-painted lips were stretched out in a sinful smile. 

Jeongin’s world stopped, his heart skipping several beats as he just stared. 

“Everyone,” Changbin said, his voice sounding far away in Jeongin’s ears. “Meet Hyunjin.”

Chapter Text

“H-Hyunjin?” Jeongin stuttered, eyes growing wide as he looked at the boy he thought was dead. “What…” he trailed off, lost for words as he stared at the one person he had thought he would never ever get to see again.

By God and all his angels, Hyunjin was more beautiful than he remembered. 

“Huh?” Hyunjin said, his carefree expression falling off his face, apprehension taking its place as he looked at Jeongin. His eyes fell to the crucifix around Jeongin’s throat, his face hardening as faint recognition went through him before flickering up to meet Jeongin’s own wide-blown eyes. “Fox eyes?”

Jeongin’s cheeks blushed violently under the old name he had had back in school. Of course, that would be the only one Hyunjin knew. 

“I-,” Jeongin suddenly felt sick.

If Hyunjin wasn’t dead, why had his mom told him that? There was no doubt. The man in front of him was Hwang Hyunjin. Jeongin knew those long slender fingers, knew that soft voice, the tilt of his head, and the cute little frown marring Hyunjin’s face as he kept looking at Jeongin with a guarded look. 

“Wait, you know each other?” Jisung asked, already bouncing up and down. Minho was quiet, staring at Jeongin with a frown. 

“Same church in Busan,” Hyunjin answered casually as if he hadn’t just returned from the realm of the dead, resurrected right in front of Jeongin. “Yang was a year under me in high school… I think?” 

“Class B,” Jeongin whispered, heart beating a mile a minute in his chest as blood drained from his face. Hyunjin was alive. Alive. Alive. “I tested into your year because my mom wouldn’t allow me to jump more than a single grade… I have to throw up,” Jeongin suddenly said, his stomach turning as he jumped from the couch, heading right for Minho’s tiny bathroom. 

He vaguely heard a few worried variations of his name yelled from his friends, but Jeongin wasn’t listening. He felt like he was drowning, like water was closing in on him, dragging him under and tearing him apart. 

Jeongin barely made it to the toilet before he emptied his stomach, the water he just drank being quickly followed by the pitiful leftovers of his lunch, until there was nothing but bile and slime forcing its way out of him. He sobbed, a high keening sound escaping him he didn’t even know was his own.

He had been like this before, in the weeks after he had been told Hyunjin had died. 

Jeongin used to lock himself in the bathroom to cry. It had been the only place he had been allowed to mourn, his mother getting progressively more annoyed with Jeongin being sad about a classmate dying, when Jeongin hadn’t even shed a tear over his asshole of an uncle drinking himself to death - not that any of his family ever admitted to that. 

Outside the family, his uncle died of an illness. 

You never spoke about your family’s sins. 

Loud knocking came from the door behind him, and from somewhere far away Jeongin thought he could hear the others call his name. He didn’t know how long it took, but suddenly the door busted open.

Jeongin looked up in surprise to see Chan and Minho look at him worriedly, Minho holding a screwdriver in one hand, and the whole lock in the other. 

Jeongin didn’t even remember locking the door.

“Innie,” Chan breathed, falling to the floor as he cradled Jeongin’s face, trying to lift his head. “What happened, are you okay?” He asked worriedly, accepting the wet towel Minho handed him. With steady hands, Chan cleaned his face, as Minho wordlessly flushed the toilet. 

“He’s dead,” Jeongin sobbed, mind lost in his memories. “They told me he died.”

“Shh,” Minho said, taking the towel Chan handed him, and rinsing it before handing it back to Chan again. “Deep breaths,” he said, voice deep and calm. Chan wiped Jeongin’s face again, the water blissfully cold against his heated skin. 

“Come on, Innie, keep breathing. In… out,” Chan said, voice as sure as a rock in a stormy ocean as he breathed along with Jeongin, forcing the younger boy’s lungs into submission. “There we go.”

“He just disappeared,” Jeongin whimpered, some of his senses returning to normal. “I asked my mom and she said he was dead. An accident. The whole church was talking about it,” he stuttered, wide eyes looking at Chan almost hoping he’d have the answers. 

“Hyunjin is dead,” Jeongin breathed, almost missing the gasp from the door. He looked up to see the others look at him with wide eyes, Hyunjin towering over them at the back, the light from the window in the hallway lighting up his figure. “They told me he was dead.”

His dark eyes found Jeongin’s watery ones. The resurrected boy cocked his head to the side as he let out a sardonic laugh.

“Not dead,” Hyunjin said with a poisonous smile. “Just gay.”

oOo

Jeongin pressed himself deeper into the couch, feeling bad as Minho placed the food on the table. Since Chan and Minho had gotten him up from the bathroom floor, and into the living room, the room had been oddly quiet and tense. Felix had come over, gently leaning into Jeongin’s side with silent support.

For once, Jeongin didn’t struggle as the little cuddle weed wrapped his arms around him and held him close. 

“So,” Chan said with a strained expression, eyes drifting to where Hyunjin was sitting silently, a smile too casual to be real on his face. “It seems I didn’t have to introduce you to all our friends,” he said awkwardly, staring at his hands. 

“You know,” Jisung said in that tone he always used to break the ice. “I always wondered how someone would react when they saw someone return from the dead. Now I know, I guess.”

“We all know you’d try to run away,” Minho replied tersely, handing Chan a handful of cutlery to distribute, which Chan eagerly did. 

“I most definitely would,” Jisung said with a firm voice and a light smile. “But unlike Lix, I wouldn’t scream first.”

“I’d be terrified,” Felix said, shivering slightly. “I would have thought you were a ghost out to kill me,” Jeongin cracked a small smile, pulling his best friend close to his side and holding him tight. They had made the mistake of letting Minho choose the movie once, and Felix had been terrified of ghosts ever since.

“I wish, I could say I was surprised,” Hyunjin said with a thin smile, only making Jeongin’s heart stutter a little in his chest. “But telling people I was dead is most likely the kindest thing they could have done. Saved them from losing face,” his eyes escaped the inquiring gazes thrown his way, instead settling fully on the food on the table. 

“I take it you two were kind of close?” Chan asked as he handed Jeongin a spoon and chopsticks with a small smile. 

“No,” Hyunjin said curtly, making Jeongin flinch. 

“Everyone knew Hyunjin,” Jeongin explained when a few of his friends looked at Hyunjin in bewilderment. “Best in his class, class president, and member of the school council. He was…” Jeongin trailed off, the breathy and infatuated ‘perfect’ that wanted to escape him stuck in his throat. 

“I can’t have been that famous,” Hyunjin said, confused, looking at Jeongin who could only nod.

“You were really missed. People kept talking about how you just disappeared, and then a few others from church began to say you had died, and… your mom got so many flowers,” Jeongin whispered, pain filling his chest as he thought back on that time. 

He always wondered why they hadn’t buried Hyunjin in Busan, but he supposed it made sense. There hadn’t been a body. Nothing to bury or mourn. 

Jeongin had been mourning a wrongfully dead man for years. 

“Can’t believe your parents told people you were dead,” Seungmin said with a frown. They all knew Seungmin came from a very well-off family where appearance was everything, but Jeongin had met Mrs. Kim and she would slaughter the whole world before she ever let go of Seungmin. 

“Well, apparently me being gay was a deal-breaker,” Hyunjin smiled acidly. “When I wouldn’t conform they kicked me out. Shipped me off to my aunt in Seoul. I’ve been on my own since I graduated high school,” he added with a shrug. “It’s not all bad though. I can finally be me. Who I’ve always been. My mom would have a heart attack if she saw how I’m dressed,” he added with a weak grin. The others laughed along with him, adding stories of their own about mothers disapproving of their clothing. 

Only Jeongin and Felix were silent. 

Jeongin’s empty stomach churned as he looked away. The poisonous whispers in his head got too strong. It could have been him. Him being found out, him getting kicked out, him being happy, him being alone. 

“Kind of a coincidence,” Changbin said calmly from the side of the room he’d been sitting, just observing for a while. “You know us from music, Felix from dance class, and you and Jeongin from the same high school… one would dare to say you were destined to join the group.” 

“Well, no way Chan is letting him escape now,” Minho said dryly, carefully carrying in a tray with eight filled bowls of rice. “He’ll have Seungmin draw up the adoption papers any minute now. Hope you kids like your new sibling,” he added with a grin, elegantly folding his legs under him and sinking down.

“Now,” he said, starting to hand out bowls of rice to people. “You have to tell me more about your dancing. I think I've seen you around, but I can’t recall you dancing in any of the performances?”

“I only just got back into it. Same with music,” Hyunjin said, some of the tension leaving him. Jeongin couldn’t help but stare as Hyunjin accepted the bowl of rice like it was a precious heirloom. “Still a bit rusty. But I can’t wait to get properly back into it. Felix has been so kind to help me out.”

“If you need more help just let me know. I have charmed them into letting me stay late. You can come train with me if need be,” Minho said, handing a bowl to Jeongin and Felix, forcing them to detangle. 

“Now, I suggest we eat before my hard work gets cold,” Minho said, scooting closer to the loaded table as everyone slowly settled in around him. “Jeongin, Felix, if you would start before Ji begins gnawing on the table in hunger.”

“Hey!” Jisung protested, his exaggerated pout making Seungmin laugh as he and Changbin battled with their chopsticks over who got the kongnamul closest to them. 

Jeongin took Felix’s hand, both of them closing their eyes for a second as silence fell over their friends while they both muttered a silent prayer. 

“Benedic, Domine…” Jeongin whispered almost inaudibly as allowed the gratefulness to fill his heart, the practiced Latin slipping easily from his lips. “Amen,” he and Felix echoed each other, Jeongin smiling weakly as he opened his eyes, mind blank as he gently took a serving of the kongnamul and put some in his mouth. 

The moment he began eating, the others threw themselves at the food, but Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from looking up, meeting Hyunjin’s dark eyes as he stared at Jeongin with barely concealed anger. 

oOo

Dear God….

I- Please don’t take him from me again. 

I’ll keep my thoughts of him pure, I’ll follow your laws and commands 

Please, just don’t take him away again

Let me keep him. 

I’ll stay away from him

I’ll suffer any punishment for my sins… just don’t take him away

Please

Chapter Text

In the end, Hyunjin ended up sliding into their friend group as if he had always belonged. 

Jeongin could only watch as Seungmin and Hyunjin bonded over books they loved, how Felix already seemed to know Hyunjin a little, and how Minho took him under his wings and treated him like a brother. 

Jeongin looked on in silent envy, remembering just how long it took for some of the others to let him in.

The whole night Hyunjin hadn’t spoken to Jeongin directly once. 

Jeongin pretended it didn’t hurt. He had longed and grieved for Hyunjin for so long, and now he was cruelly reminded how little he had actually mattered to the man before. Hyunjin didn’t even remember what class Jeongin had been in, and if Jeongin was really lucky then Hyunjin probably thought he was his older brother.

Jeongin’s older brother, Jeonghwan, had always been very active within the church and still was, even now while he was busy with his degree. Often people knew of his brother and confused them with each other when they met Jeongin on the street. 

Jeongin wished his brother had had as much time to see him, but alas, Jeonghwan was always focused on pleasing the church. 

Speaking of Jeonghwan, it had been a while since Jeongin had heard from him. His mother had mentioned his brother’s affairs the last time he had called her, but she had been more focused on when Jeongin would be coming home to spend the weekend. 

If you asked Jeongin at present when he would return home, the answer would be never, but if you asked his mom it would be at Chuseok. National holidays were perfect excuses to get him back in the fold, and back in their church, no matter how little time they had.

Jeongin huffed, fingers hitting the keys on his keyboard a little harder. 

Felix glanced up from his book, lifting an eyebrow. 

“Something wrong?” Felix asked carefully, knowing all too well how stressed and messed up Jeongin’s brain could become sometimes. After all, they had lived together for a whole year now. They knew each other perfectly. 

“I’m fine,” Jeongin bit out, trying to breathe deeply as he softened his touch on the keyboard. He didn’t fancy having to call his dad and get money for a new computer because he ruined this one. He would just risk getting a preaching about how he was wasting money and sinning by wasting perfectly fine technology. “Just tired,” he added when Felix gave him an unconvinced look. 

“Hmm, sure,” Felix said as he looked down at his books again. “And all of this has nothing to do with you having a classmate suddenly reappear from the dead?”

Jeongin almost knocked his computer off the table. 

“No,” he muttered, face getting warm as he moved his computer a little more securely onto the table. He needed to be careful or he would have to confess to being reckless and an idiot. Father Hong would be so impressed. 

“Innie, talk to me,” Felix said, flipping his book closed as he looked at Jeongin with a sharp glare. “I’ve let you deal with this on your own, but it’s clearly eating you up on the inside. So come on, let's talk about it.”

“Nothing to talk too much about,” Jeongin sighed, knowing there was no way he was escaping Felix now. “I was just surprised… I mean, why? Why would anyone lie about their son dying?” Jeongin muttered, head falling to the table at a safe distance from the computer. 

“I suppose, they were trying to protect themselves,” Felix said, moving about a little uncomfortably on the chair. “Or that is what Hyunjin told me when I asked.” Jeongin looked up, once more surprised about how close they had all gotten to Hyunjin without Jeongin. “They probably feared his sin would stain their reputation.”

The sin of being homosexual, Jeongin guessed. 

They had always loved to gossip at his church. His mother often regaled their many hours cooking together with tales of what everyone else’s kids were up to, and how many wrongful things everyone else was doing. Who would have been lavish and gotten a new car, or who was too proud to wear the same dress too often.

Everything had always been weighed and measured. 

“But it’s not a sin,” Jeongin muttered, pulling his arms up and hiding his face. “There is nothing wrong with it,” he added, voice muffled by his hands as he pressed his eyes closed hard. 

He remembered it like it was yesterday. Back when he had first confessed to Father Kim that his heart had started to beat fast over a boy, and when he admitted he had wanted to kiss him. That he just wanted to run to the older boy’s side and talk with him for hours. It had been Hyunjin because even at age fourteen he had managed to turn poor Jeongin’s head so much it never fit back the right way again.

Jeongin had been thirteen, too young to even know what love was.

Father Kim had been anything but amused. Jeongin still remembered the many Hail Marys he had to say to atone. Father Kim had told him that to love a man was no sin, but that Jeongin was to never act on his desires. His love was a gift from God, the priest had told him, but acting upon said love was a sin. 

Jeongin was special, he had said, a true believer in Christ and he had to abstain. God was testing him, so great was His love that Jeongin had been chosen to carry this cross. 

If only Jeongin had known back then that his innocent childhood crush would grow darker and deeper, ending up swallowing his whole heart and blowing the flames of forbidden desires. His affection had twisted Jeongin’s soul painfully until the love he had for Hyunjin possessed his body, soul, and mind, leaving nothing but a hollow shell after his passing.

If only Jeongin had known that the love he had for Hyunjin was the only love he was ever going to feel. 

“He should abstain. Live a pure life,” Jeongin said to the table. “Love is great, it is a gift from God. If he just didn’t act on it, then he wouldn’t do anything wrong it,” Jeongin ignored how the words rang hollow to himself. They sounded wrong and forced, like someone else was speaking through him. However, these were Jeongin’s own words and no one was forcing him to say them out loud. It was the truth. The truth of his faith, of his fathers, and of God.

Acting upon his desire was a sin, but his pure and innocent love wasn’t.

If Hyunjin had just been like Jeongin, perhaps they could have been friends. They could have held hands and been close. Jeongin had loved Hyunjin so wholly and fully that he was sure he could spend a whole life loving him in the purest and most devoted way. The way God would accept. 

But Hyunjin wasn’t like Jeongin. He was brave… No. He was sinful… and yet, Jeongin was envious. He had always wanted Hyunjin, but why would Hyunjin ever choose to be with someone like Jeongin; With someone who could never kiss him, never touch him, when Hyunjin himself had chosen to actively sin, and turn his back on God. Why would Hyunjin value the word of the Catholic Church to be with Jeongin? 

They were the same, and yet they were miles apart. 

“That kind of love is not a sin,” Jeongin muttered again. “You just can’t act on it. And now he will burn in hell. Punished and tormented. He should have just stayed, and never left. He should have never sinned without regrets and penance,” Devious words spilled from his lips, words that he perhaps didn’t agree with, but words that held the truth of his entire life. 

Loving is pure. Acting is sinful.

Oh, how Jeongin longed to be sinful.

“It’s a sin,” Jeongin repeated silently, feeling his chest tighten as if he was telling a lie. “To act like he is.” Jeongin swallowed, remembering how Hyunjin had candidly talked of his past lovers. Jisung had laughed but Jeongin had felt odd. To have sin be regarded as conquests, something to be proud of had been baffling. 

He reached up, his crucifix cold against his palm as he clutched it, the edges digging painfully into his skin. 

“Sodomy is a sin. There is no way out of that. To be with a man as if they are in the holy union of marriage is downright perverse. It is going against the word, the pact we have with Him, and I see no other way than Hell for souls who so recklessly sin without remorse,” Jeongin said after a second, finality filling his words. This was right. This he had been told by the church. Love was pure, but to lie with a man like a woman was impure. “I can only hope he one day seeks absolution and repents his sins.”

Felix’s face fell, hand shaking as he hid them under the table. “Do you really think he will be condemned?” 

Jeongin tightened his hold around the crucifix. It breached his skin, cutting painfully into him. Blood trickled down his hand, dripping onto his shirt and staining him. 

“It’s an abomination,” Jeongin echoed the words Father Kim had beaten into his head over and over again after he learned of Jeongin’s perversion. “Hyunjin was called by God to live a life of purity and chastity for the greater love of Christ. If he partakes in fornication or has sex outside of the holy union of marriage he is sinning. No loopholes.”

Jeongin was sure of that. He had read all the texts over and over again. There could be no physical love outside marriage, and marriage was only between a man and a woman. And no matter how much Jeongin would pray to God, neither he nor the Pope would ever change that. 

Chastity was the only thing in Jeongin’s future unless he got married, but the thought of being with a woman made him sick. It felt wrong and more like a sin than anything else. Because how could he marry a woman knowing he had no desire for her. That the union they would have would be platonic, if anything at all. That he could never give her the entirety of his love, only parts of it.

How would choosing someone to spend his life with be fair if they didn’t make his heart race and his body sing? If he didn’t do the same for them?

He looked at Felix who was silently mulling over his words. At least Jeongin wasn’t alone. At least he would always have Felix. Because they were the same. Together they would be chaste, filled with the pure love they had. It was so nice to have someone to carry that burden with, even if they never mentioned it. 

“Well, I suppose you’re right about that,” Felix said voice a little weird. Jeongin looked up to see Felix stare at his hands. “Though, Hyunjin is really great once you get to know him.”

“I’m sure he is,” Jeongin sighed, getting up and closing his computer. Perhaps he should call up Changbin and get him to go to the gym and work out with him. Burn off his restlessness and frustration. He always hated talking about homosexuality. It got too close and felt too personal. Like something Jeongin should just avoid at all costs to keep his sanity. “I just don’t think he likes me. Not that I can blame him. I guess I don't remind him of the best of things,” Jeongin muttered as he got up. 

He didn’t see Felix worrying his lip, guiltily hiding his cross. It was only later when Jeongin went to wash his hands he noticed the blood, the wound like a stigma on his skin. He frowned as he looked at his blood-stained Crucifix, carefully washing the dirty blood away, leaving it pure and pristine one more.

oOo

Dear Lord 

Make it stop. Make it stop, I’m begging you

I won’t fall. I won’t be tempted, just take the thoughts and dreams away. I can’t stand it. 

I’m trying. I really am. Please, God, I beg you make the thoughts stop

I’ll be yours forever. I won’t be tempted…. Just help me 

It hurts… it hurts so much

Please 

oOo

“Fear not,” Jeongin said as he burst into Chan’s tiny apartment. “I am here and I am bringing food,” he cheered, kicking off his shoes as he made his way into the room that was both the living room and bedroom. 

Chan looked up from his computer, blinking owlishly as Jeongin stuck his head into the tiny kitchenette to grab plates and glasses. Jeongin glanced warily at the dishes knowing he had to do them before he left. 

Chan was a treasure, but sometimes he needed someone to take care of him. 

“And here we go,” Jeongin said, setting a plate in front of Chan, loading it with fried drumsticks. “I charmed the old lady down the road to give me extra drumsticks so you better eat them!” Jeongin chided, pouring Chan a tall glass of coke.

“What?” Chan asked, his poor brain too fried to catch up to what was happening. 

“You stopped replying in the group chat yesterday,” Jeongin explained with a smile, settling comfortably on Chan’s bed. It was so much softer than his own. Unfortunately, it was smaller than Jeongin's small double bed, but it was still nice and cozy to snuggle up in. “We all assumed you’d disappeared into one of your songs again. I volunteered to make sure you ate. And be happy. If Minho had come over, he'd have forced you to eat a salad,” Jeongin said with a smile as he stole a drumstick for himself, munching on it happily. 

“I don’t want salad,” Chan mumbled, biting into his chicken before he returned to stare at the computer. Jeongin reached over to disconnect his headphones so he could listen along. Chan allowed him to hear the song he was working on as he played it over and over again.

Jeongin made sure to refill Chan's glass but other than that he pulled out a book, leaned back, and started to read. He knew there was no way of getting Chan to stop what he was working on, but Jeongin liked this silent companionship of them just being together. 

He wasn’t proud to admit it, but he missed hanging out with Chan. Because Hyunjin had become such a firm part of their friend group, Jeongin had felt himself drift. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with Hyunjin, no, Jeongin would love to get to know the man a little more, but Jeongin couldn’t handle the way Hyunjin stared at him.

Jeongin wasn’t sure what it was that Hyunjin wanted, accusations or apologies, but Jeongin had nothing to give. In the end, it was the easier choice to stay away. It also made it much easier because, while it might have been three years since Jeongin had seen Hyunjin, his heart had kept his affection safe. 

Now Hyunjin was back, and Jeongin could feel it again. That urge to reach out. To feel the skin of someone. Even Yedam from his class was no longer distracting, because how could he in any way reach the almost otherworldly beauty of Hyunjin.

Jeongin felt ashamed. Like the people dancing around the golden calf, ignoring Moses as he came down the mountain. Jeongin hated himself, because why couldn’t he keep his love pure. It worked on all others, but Hyunjin just ignited him on the inside. 

Like a spark to dry firewood, Jeongin was ready to burn. 

And so Jeongin prayed. He read the Bible, did all the good deeds he could, and luckily one of those was to treasure the love he was allowed to have. So here he was; Treasuring his familiar love. Besides, spoiling Chan was easy. Especially since Felix was out more and more. If he was not with Hyunjin and Minho dancing, then he was with classmates studying. 

Jeongin had hardly seen him all week and he hated it, but he was beginning to feel lonely. Old doubts and fears crept, in convincing him that he didn’t fit into his friend group as well as he thought. He felt like he was a little too replaceable. 

It was hard to see Hyunjin crack jokes and talk with the others when he never replied to anything Jeongin wrote in the group chat. Hyunjin always opted to meet with the others on days when Jeongin was busy, making it clear that Jeongin wasn’t welcome. Even the others stopped asking Jeongin to come along, knowing the two of them didn’t speak. 

It hurt. 

Jeongin sighed, allowing his thoughts to drift through the novel in his hands, and living the life of the character as a song slowly took shape next to him. Jeongin made sure to hum back the melodies Chan made when the older man forgot, and calmly reminded him to listen to things twice before deleting them. 

He wasn’t sure how long he’d just been sitting on Chan's bed when the door burst open. 

“Chan, you have to help me!” Hyunjin wailed, throwing himself and a barely closed computer at Chan, tears in his eyes. “The bridge, it deleted itself and I don’t know how to get it back. It's all gone. Chan, I’m gonna fail,” he cried, head landing on Chan’s shoulder as he actually burst into tears.

Jeongin blinked, utterly confused. 

“Shh, let me see,” Chan said, carefully prying the computer out from under the crying man, clicking a few times, and then let out a deep sigh. “Look, there it is. You cut it out by accident, Jinnie.”

Jeongin slowly closed his book, slipped out of the bed, and went to the fridge. He poured another glass of coke, seeming to remember something about people in shock needing sugar. He looked at Chan, not making a sound as he left it next to them while Hyunjin sobbed - now out of gratitude - into Chan's shoulder. 

“I’ll be…” Jeongin said, pointing at the kitchenette, and ran away, hiding behind the flimsy screen hiding the kitchen from the bedroom before Chan even got a chance to reply. He could hear Hyunjin calm down, but Jeongin decided to just focus on the dishes. It wasn’t that Chan had a lot… but when all of them were dirty he did have quite the pile. 

Jeongin tried not to wallow in more self-pity as he heard Chan and Hyunjin work together. It shouldn’t be a surprise, but somehow Jeongin hadn’t expected Hyunjin to know the code for Chan’s door. 

Stopping himself from sinning by getting envious, Jeongin started to sing. 

It was the one joy his parents had never actually disapproved of, and well, after joining the choir when he was younger, he was quite proud to say he had been a solo singer. It had all changed when he turned thirteen and his mother demanded that he got more serious about his studies. Suddenly his one relief was gone and all Jeongin had was school work and chores. He hadn't sung since. 

It also helped immensely that none of his brothers sang, so for once, Jeongin was the best. In his own ears, he was nothing next to Jisung, or Seungmin who could both easily sing for a living if they wanted to, but Jeongin still enjoyed singing, even if he was only able to do so in hidden moments when he was alone.

The hymn he sang was old, but comfortable falling from his lips without thinking too much. As the plates slowly got washed clean under the soapy water he drifted to a pop song, giggling like a child at the dirty lyrics, happy his mother couldn’t hear him before he slipped into an older song, one of the few his mother used to play while his father was at work. 

Sometimes singing painfully about someone else’s hopeless love made his love a little lighter. 

It was only when Jeongin had dried the last plate and slipped it into the cupboard that he noticed how silent the apartment was. Shyly, he peeked his head over the screen, finding both Chan and Hyunjin watching him with big eyes.

“Something wrong?” He asked, slightly worried.

“That was beautiful, Innie,” Chan said with a tired smile. “I didn’t even know you could sing.”

“You should have heard him at church,” Hyunjin said, eyes narrowed as his head tilted to the side, somehow looking lost in his mind. “His voice echoes and it feels like it touches your soul.” Jeongin couldn’t stop his cheeks from getting pink. Did Hyunjin remember him singing? 

“He used to sing solo too…” Hyunjin trailed off, voice getting a little soft as if he was reminiscing over a precious memory. “It was one of the only times I liked being in church.”

“Nonsense,” Jeongin stuttered. “I’m not that good… and I have to go,” he muttered, reaching over for his bag. “Chan could you… My novel,” he added. He didn’t dare lean over Hyunjin. Even now, with his messy hair and red-rimmed eyes, he was still a work of art. Like the angels themselves had sculpted him. 

“Here,” Hyunjin said, quicker than Chan to grab the book. “I didn't know you read something like this,” he gestured to the book which Jeongin was pretty sure would be banned from the planet if Father Kim and Father Hong had anything to say.

He doubted any of the characters hadn’t sinned seven ways to Sunday and he was barely halfway. 

“I like stories of humans,” Jeongin defended himself. “And even sinners are human,” he muttered, words feeling foul on his tongue, wishing he could lie and say it was for class. Sadly it wasn’t. “I have to go. Please eat something green later when Minho comes to drag you out after class,” he said to Chan, barely managing to get into his shoes before he rushed out the door. 

oOo

Jeongin just wanted to lie down on his bed and cease existing. He hated his life, he hated his professors and he hated how he could never talk about anything without religion being part of it. Jeongin had just said he couldn’t drink, and all of the sudden he was dragged into a long argument about how religion was ruining personal freedom.

Jeongin just had a really disappointing day.

It didn’t help that Felix had been gone when he woke up, leaving Jeongin all alone and when he tried to text the others they had been busy or not replying. Even Changbin had canceled their weekly workout date at the last minute, leaving Jeongin to lift weights alone. 

And to make it all better, his father had called him to talk about getting apprenticeships in Busan next summer. Apparently, someone in the church had one open for applications and his dad wanted him to apply. It didn’t matter if Jeongin felt like he needed a break, or that it was still eons of time away, no, Jeongin had to do it now, and then he had also better be a good son and a good Christian because just from the way he was breathing his father was now convinced Seoul was corrupting him.

As if Busan wasn’t also a huge city filled with non-catholic people. 

All in all, Jeongin was tired. He felt like an utter failure and he just wanted to cry and quit his whole degree. Perhaps he should do as Father Hong kept telling him, become a priest. Perhaps then God would finally grant Jeongin salvation. 

He punched the code for his apartment, vaguely registering Felix’s shoes as he marched in and threw himself on the couch with the drama of a nineteen-forties Hollywood starlet. Feather boa and everything.

“Hi, Innie,” Felix said, sounding oddly cheerful. Jeonngin huffed, staring up at the ceiling. “Rough day?”

“You know, sometimes, I just want to fucking quit,” Jeongin said, frustration coloring his words, ignoring the tiny gasp he heard. Felix had heard him curse before and really, half his curses had been taught to him by Felix. The rest was all on Chan. “I don’t want to be a fucking engineer, I don’t want to be a fucking Catholic, and I will fucking kill myself and burn in the flames of eternal damnation before Father Hong convinces me I need to become to become a priest.”

Jeongin took a deep breath, the air whistling out of him silently.

“And I’m getting really tired of having to confess how I don’t respect my parents,” He said, closing his eyes. “Fuck, I hate atheists.”

“Well, the confessions have always baffled me,” Felix said kindly and Jeongin felt his shoulders relax. This was why Felix was his favorite. Because he understood him. “And atheists are… something.” His giggle was a balm on Jeongin’s annoyance. 

The day felt brighter already.

“I never agreed with the confessions, either,” Hyunjin’s smooth voice said, cutting through Jeongin like a knife. “But I do take offense to the atheist part. What did I do to you, Lix?” 

Jeongin jumped up from the couch, staring in shock at Hyunjin, who was in Jeongin’s living room, on the couch Jeongin had found at a goodwill store, holding Jeongin’s favorite pillow.

Jeongin blinked.

“Hello,” Hyunjin said, his smile awkward as he waved at Jeongin. He was holding a sketchbook, coal staining his finger in smoky black and gray. There was paint in his blond hair again.

Jeongin wanted to…

“Hi,” Jeongin said, voice tight as he looked to the chair where Felix was sitting. “I'm interrupting. I'm so sorry. I’ll let you be,” he said, making a run for his room. 

“INNIE!” Felix yelled after him but Jeongin was already hiding in his bed. Cheeks red with humiliation. Well, if Hyunjin had anything against Jeongin before, then it could only have gotten worse. 

oOo

Dear God…

If you wanted to casually let anyone be swallowed up by the ground

Then I'm volutering

Just wanted to let you know

Just in case, you know 

You wanna try that out today

Perhaps 

Maybe 

Yeah?

oOo

When Jeongin stuck his head out about thirty minutes later, Felix was on the couch, deep in conversation with Hyunjin. Jeongin smiled weakly as he walked past them running for the fridge. He stopped, hands shaking as he took in the drawing that was lying on the table.

It was a quick sketch but it was hard to miss it was of him, draped like a lost towel over the couch. He was staring at the ceiling, hands echoing his anger… and yet he looked beautiful. 

He looked up, meeting Hyunjin’s eyes. The other man smiled weakly and shrugged. 

“You can keep it,” Hyunjin said and Jeongin wasn’t missing how Felix was vibrating next to him. It wasn’t a secret that Felix wanted Jeongin to spend more time with Hyunjin. It was the only thing he talked about. 

When he was home that was. 

“Thanks,” Jeongin said, eyes returning to the drawing again. His heart beat faster as he looked at the delicate lines making up his likeness. “It’s beautiful.” 

Jeongin didn’t see how Hyunjin’s eyes were glued to him, only looking away when Felix poked him teasingly in the side. 

oOo

Dear God…

I want to cancel on being swallowed up by the ground

Maybe… maybe just give me the courage to talk to him

I promise I won’t be tempted

He’s just really nice

oOo

Jeongin looked at Hangyeol with blank eyes. He wasn’t sure what the man’s point was anymore, but his arms were flying through the air, his Bible being flung around along with them, Jeongin flinching slightly every time it looked like the book might get airborne. At this point, Jeongin was genuinely afraid the man’s short fingers would release it soon, sending it hurtling through the air, hitting someone innocent in the head.

Knowing Hangyeol, he would just call it divine punishment. 

“But what I don’t want to condemn people?” One of the more timid girls - Jiwon, if Jeongin remembered correctly - asked from the back. Jeongin turned his head, surprised anyone bothered to interrupt Hangyeol in one of his rants.

“But you must,” Hangyeol said, blinking confused. “They are sinners. We are merely trying to save them. The love between two men is sinful, it's not right. We should tell them they’re wrong so they can be saved.”

Jeongin closed his eyes, thankful that he had spaced out. He was so tired of hearing about condemnations of homosexuality. Couldn’t Hangyeol find something else to talk about? 

Jeongin tried. He tried so hard to be chaste. Tried so hard to not look at Hyunjin’s fingers and his gentle hands out of the corner of his eyes. Tried so hard not to imagine them drifting over his body. Tried so hard not to imagine his body warming his bed, his heartbeat next to Jeongin’s.

The dreams were much worse now than they had been before. The Hyunjin belonging to the past looked almost puny next to the Hyunjin of the present.

“But why should I stop them?” The quiet girl said again, this time with more determination. “Can’t I just let them be and welcome them as humans. So what if they’re sinning? That is between them and God. Why is my way of living better than theirs?”

“You shouldn’t question your faith like that, Jiwon,” Hangyeol said, straightening his back and looking a little too much like Father Hong for someone who didn’t want to become a priest. “The Bible says-”

“‘But I say unto you,’” Jeongin found himself quoting, his voice ringing out clear in the small room. “‘Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.’”

The room was silent, even Hangyeol looked at Jeongin like he had two heads.

“Matthew, 5:44” Jeongin said, not looking up from the closed Bible in his hands. “We should love others, even if they do wrong to us. If loving a man is sinful for another man, well, as the Bible says, we should still love him. Because he is still one of God's children.” 

“Well… yes,” Hangyeol muttered, clearly shocked. Not that Jeongin could blame him. This had to have been the first time Jeongin had ever spoken to one of these meetings. “‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,’” he added, almost like he too wanted to show he could quote the Bible. 

“I think with that in mind we should end for today,” Hangyeol said after a second, eyes flickering between Seojin in the back and Jeongin. There was something guarded in his eyes. “See you all on Sunday,” he added with a tense smile, before running off quickly. 

Jeongin once again wondered why he had allowed his mom to force him to join a Bible study group when Jeongin could use his time for something significantly more important. Like homework, Felix’s games, or perhaps, even stalking Chan and listening to his songs. 

Anything had to be better than this drivel. Jeongin had already been forced to learn most of the Bible by his mom at age thirteen, so he didn't really see the necessity of all this. 

“I think that was a very lovely quote,” Seojin said, her gentle voice stopping Jeongin from storming out the door. He turned, surprised when he met her bright smile. “It’s a shame you don’t usually join in when we talk. You always bring such clarity to the discussion,” she added with a smile and Jeongin was stunned. If anyone else had said that, then he was sure he would have gotten annoyed, but Seojin was just that kind. 

“Would you like me to follow you to the bus?” Jeongin asked with a smile. He wouldn’t mind the company. Felix had been out almost the whole week and even had plans so Jeongin would do almost anything to have a brief moment of social interaction. 

Jeongin hadn’t even bothered to remind Felix they planned this movie night two weeks ago. He just had to read tonight. Again. 

Once again he was the only one left out of the others' plans. 

“I’d love to,” Seojin smiled, that warm and bright smile. Jeongin couldn’t help but hope whoever got to marry her would be a good man. Seojin was one of the few genuine people Jeongin had met outside his friend group, and the conversation was easy as they slowly made their way towards the bus.

Jeongin was laughing at something Seojin had said when he looked up, looking directly into Felix’s brown eyes. 

“Oh, hi,” Jeongin said with a bright expression, his smile only growing when he saw Changbin next to Felix. They were standing pretty close, clearly having been deep in conversation when they saw Jeongin.

“I thought you were with your study group?” Jeongin asked with a smile, before turning to Seojin. “This is my roommate Felix and my friend Changbin. This is Seojin from my church.”

“Hi,” Felix smiled shyly, seeming a little nervous. “And I was. We just finished early. Changbin…” he trailed off, looking over at the broad guy next to him.

“I'm going to shop for Chan’s birthday, I ran into Felix on the way and thought since he was free he might as well keep me company,” Changbin finished with a smile. “And, hi, Seojin. Nice to meet you. We’ll just continue so we don’t disturb,” Changbin added with a wink before he grabbed Felix’s hand, dragging him away.

“They are going to think I'm trying to seduce you,” Jeongin said with a sigh, frowning slightly. Changbin had seemed like he was in a hurry and Felix had seemed oddly awkward. Besides, hadn’t Changbin already bought a gift for Chan? Jisung had been raving about it just a few days prior.

“I see why you’re so open-hearted now,” Seojin said with one of her calm, understanding smiles. Jeongin looked at her in confusion. “Must be hard to watch your friends sin knowing what it’ll do to their immortal soul,” she said kindly, her hand resting briefly on Jeongin’s shoulder. 

“Oh, that’s my bus,” she said, eyes widening as Jeongin tried to get meaning out of what she just said. “I’m sorry, Jeongin, I have to hurry home today, but perhaps next time we can get some coffee?” She asked, skipping away from Jeongin with a little smile as she got onto the cramped bus. 

“But… Felix and Changbin aren’t a couple,” Jeongin said into the air as Seojin waved at him while driving away. Jeongin looked back over his shoulder at where Felix and Changbin had disappeared. 

Though now Jeongin tried to think, it had indeed looked like they were holding hands.

oOo

“Jeongin, wait,” Yedam yelled after him as Jeongin made his way out of the auditorium. Jeongin stopped, looking over his shoulder a little confused. He and Yedam didn’t really talk outside of class. They sometimes talked, of course, but about homework, lending each other pens and chargers and things like that. Rarely did any of them initiate conversation outside of the confinements of their shared psychic classes.

“What’s up?” Jeongin asked as Yedam came to a halt right in front of him, gaze flickering from Jeongin’s eyes and down to his shoes.

“I was just wondering…” Yedam trailed off, eyes lifting shyly and Jeongin could feel his heart begin to beat a little fast. Yedam was unreasonably pretty. Not in the way Hyunjin was, but in a more manageable way. It didn’t hurt to look at him, but Jeongin still caught himself staring. 

He was easy to imagine walking next to. Too easy to imagine as a part of Jeongin’s life, and too easily he became the reason for Jeongin having to confess. 

“Yes?” Jeongin asked, tilting his head as Yedam started to tug at his shirt nervously. 

“Well, I was thinking that, perhaps, maybe, if you have time… you might want to get a cup of coffee with me?” He asked, the softest most adorable smile blooming on his face. “Like a date, you know?” 

Jeongin’s heart sped up, hammering away as panic sizzled through his body. He knew what he had to say. Knew what words he should say. He had them memorized like a prayer, burned into his heart, and yet, he couldn’t get them out. 

“I'm sorry,” he stuttered, hand becoming sweaty as he saw the light die out in Yedam’s eyes. “I ca-”

“It’s okay,” Yedam said, his smile was a little disappointed, but not heartbroken as if he already knew this would be the result.

“I figured you wouldn’t,” he shrugged with a small forced smile. “Just thought I would at least ask. Anyways, see you next week,” he rushed and turned on his heel before Jeongin even got to say a single word.

He looked after him, chest heavy and the regret bitter on his tongue.

“It’s not that I wouldn’t,” Jeongin breathed out, eyes still on the end of the hallway where Yedam disappeared. “It’s that I can’t,” he added. He should be happy; rejoice in the feeling of having made the right choice. Of having proven his devotion to God by refusing a temptation of the flesh. 

Father Hong would be proud. He would tell Jeongin that he did the right thing to turn away from sin and eternal damnation, and yet, it didn’t feel like it. It felt like Jeongin did the wrong thing. His heart wanted to go after Yedam, to tell him he misunderstood and drag him to a café right away. To do something Jeongin actually wanted to do for once.

But it was difficult. Because going with Yedam would be easy. He would be easy to be with and Jeongin could almost see it. How normal it would be. Coffee would lead to hand-holding, hand-holding would lead to a soft kiss, and that kiss would lead to more… because Jeongin was greedy, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep it pure and innocent. He craved more than he was allowed, he desired more than what he would ever get.

He already longed for the feeling of someone close to him, of lips against his own and a body wrapped around him in the night, someone to make his body sing like his dreams. It was a sin, but that sin tasted so sweet and was so addictive, that Jeongin knew that even if he only got a little taste of it, it would never be enough. He would yearn for more, he would lust after things that would cause him nothing but damnation. Therefore, he should keep it away. Out of sight and out of mind. But the overflowing want, need, and thirst for the sweet, sweet taste of that tempting red apple was too much.

And Yedam could be that one. Yedam could be his first taste. The one to be with Jeongin, to love him. Whole and complete as the Bible said only a man and a woman could. Yedam could be the love of Jeongin’s life. A friend, and a partner… a lover.

Unlike Hyunjin, he was within reach. Yedam wasn’t a teenage fantasy, a hopeless crush that wouldn't extinguish. He was kind, nice, and liked Jeongin and he could almost see their future unfold. A kiss, a life, an apartment, a dog, and an existence of perfect harmony…A life of happiness and love.

But that future would be a sin. 

That future would only lead Jeongin to eternal damnation.

“Fuck,” Jeongin breathed, the hallways empty around him. He turned around, regret making his steps heavy as he walked away and allowed his feet to guide him. He didn’t even notice his feet had brought him to the little café on the music campus, he looked up, something like relief barely managing to fill his chest when his heart stopped.

Hyunjin was there. Beautiful as ever he was leaning against the counter, his long slim finger seductively wrapped around a bright red apple. 

Chan, Changbin, and Jisung were there too for that matter, but that only barely registered, because at Hyunjin's side there was a man. A tall guy, with tattoos and piercings, clothes looking like it was destroyed on purpose, and an air of artistry clinging to him. His hair was electric blue, artfully messed up in a way that was too neat to be casual and his muscles filled out his too-tight t-shirt in a very deliberate way.

Jeongin didn’t even need to look at how Jisung was crackling like a gossiping aunt, or how Chan and Changbin were giving Hyunjin small smiles to know the dude was flirting… and that Hyunjin was enjoying it. 

The small smile on his face, the little flip of his hair, and the way he stood to show off his long lithe limbs. How his fingers were softly caressing the apple… 

Jeongin wanted to throw up. 

He stared at the man, so clearly open with his preference and his sexuality that it hurt. An ugly, sour feeling bubbled up like poison in Jeongin’s stomach as he stared at the man. He got closer to Hyunjin, lifting his hand to touch Hyunjin’s hair, and whispered something in his ear. 

Hyunjin laughed, gently slapping the guy’s shoulder. His hand dragged down his chest a little too slow. Jeongin swallowed down bile as he kept watching. He knew he should blink, go in, go away. Just do something.

But he just kept staring, wishing he could be like that. That it was him who could be like that. That he could flirt and grin and laugh and quench that never-ending thirst for being intimate that swallowed him up. 

Jeongin was jealous. Green with envy as it was and he hated it. Hated it because it was a sin, hated that he would have to confess it, hated that he knew he would just be told he did the right thing… Jeongin was done with always doing the right thing. He wanted… he desired... 

Jeongin just wanted love. 

Feeling like God had to be a cruel being, Jeongin finally turned on his heel, deciding the class he had later wasn’t important enough to warrant him being there. If he texted his seatmate he might even get him to register Jeongin as being present. 

All Jeongin knew was that he needed to get away. To pray and to reflect.

And to stuff all these feelings down where they belonged. 

oOo

Dear God…

Please just make it stop

Please, I can’t anymore

oOo

“I don’t care what you think,” Jeongin huffed, leaning in over both Jisung and Seungmin, hand lifted as he yelled at them. “You can leave if you don’t agree. We’re getting at least ten pizzas, and only half will have pepperoni because you two say you don’t want ham and then two seconds later you’re stealing the rest of our food,” he complained, turning to Chan who had opened his mouth to object.

“And don't you even start,” Jeongin warned, eyes narrowing dangerously. “We’re getting at least ten pizzas because we all know you and Changbin can’t just have one each. Don’t you even test me,” he added when Chan looked like he wanted to object.

“Yes, boss,” Minho said with a smirk, already jotting down on a notepad what they all wanted.

“I don’t get why we always have to do this,” Jeongin huffed, giving Jisung a hard look as the man looked like he wanted to add something. “And no, we’re not having sashimi again. We had that the last three fucking times.”

“I love it when he curses,” Minho said with a teasingly dreamy voice. “Makes me all flustered.”

“He really has that good boy gone bad vibe, right?” Hyunjin said from somewhere, making Jeongin jump. With mortification he turned around, finding Hyunjin staring at him with a playful smirk.

Jeongin felt a little like dying. Hyunjin was beautiful as always… but his hair was freshly bleached and all Jeongin could think about was how that had to have something to do with a blue-haired dude with too many muscles and no sense of clothing sizes.

“You’re finally here,” Chan cheered, getting up from his seat and jumping to envelop Hyunjin in a hug. 

Chan gave Jeongin a guilty smile over Hyunjin’s shoulder when Jeongin glared at him. He had asked if Hyunjin would be here when Minho and Chan asked him to come over. He asked again when he came and both of them had sworn it would only be the usual seven of them.

Jeongin should have known they were lying. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be in the same room as Hyunjin. He did. Perhaps a bit too much. But it was difficult. Difficult when the other guy didn’t seem to like him, and even more difficult when Jeongin’s emotions were still all over the place. 

It didn’t help that Hyunjin was over a lot at their apartment, but only when Jeongin wasn't around. Jeongin knew of Hyunjin’s visits because, one; Felix was a pretty damn bad liar, and two; Hyunjin kept leaving his sketches all over the place. 

New charcoal drawings just kept on appearing everywhere, lying scattered around the entire apartment - Jeongin kept picking them up, going far enough to invest in a box where they would be kept free of dust and out of the way in case Hyunjin wanted them back. On top of that, one of the pillows was constantly smudged in black charcoal, no matter how often Jeongin washed the cover and tried to beat the coal dust out of it. 

Of course, that pillow happened to be Jeongin’s favorite. It was even beginning to smell of Hyunjin’s cologne and Jeongin didn't know where to cry or bury his head in it and never resurface. 

Jeongin gave Chan a sour look, knowing full well he was the one setting this up just because he thought Jeongin was the one trying to avoid Hyunjin. On a daily basis, and in any other circumstance, Jeongin adored Chan. However, his biggest character flaw was perhaps his inherent need to fix issues that simply didn’t need fixing. It was Hyunjin who didn’t like Jeongin, after all. It was Hyunjin who didn’t want to be near him. Hyunjin who hated him.

Jeongin slumped onto the couch wondering if he could make up some lame excuse to leave but he forgot everything about his plans the moment Felix peeked his head into the living room, his usually black hair a stunning blond. 

Jeongin’s jaw dropped.

“HOLY FUCK!” Jisung jumped from his seat to run over to Felix. “Oh my God, it’s blond!” He exclaimed with an excited grin tugging at the half-long stands. Felix’s smile could have lit up the entire room, his cheeks blushed and eyes sparkling as if stars had been trapped inside.

Jeongin swore he had never seen his roommate look this happy. Ever. 

“It looks really good,” Seungmin complimented in a much calmer voice, though he too was smiling, happy for his friend. “I told you it would look nice.”

“I didn’t know you wanted to dye your hair,” Jeongin said, struggling to keep the hurt out of his voice. Going by how Minho frowned at him, he didn’t quite succeed. 

For some reason, Jeongin felt hurt that Felix hadn’t told him he wanted to dye his hair. Combined with the feelings of isolation from his friends, the feeling grew into something very unpleasant.

“Oh, well… I just thought you wouldn’t understand,” Felix said with a hesitant look. Hyunjin looked at Jeongin like he wanted to murder him, and Jeongin once again wondered what he had done to anger the other man. “I know how strict your parents are,” Felix added when Jeongin just stared at him. He was most likely thinking of all the times Jeongin had sighed over clothing, only to never buy it because he knew his parents would never let him wear it.

“I get I might seem like a stick in the mud to you all sometimes,” Jeongin said, trying very very hard not to let the frustration from the last month bleed into his words. “But dyeing your hair isn’t against the Bible. I don’t really care.”

“Jeongin, it wasn’t meant like that,” Chan was quick to intervene, but Jeongin knew Felix well enough to know his blush meant Jeongin hit the nail on the head. 

“It looks nice,” Jeongin said because unlike what everyone else had to be thinking he wasn't mean or unpleasant. And Felix did indeed look good. 

“Would be a weird passage to have written in the Bible though,” Minho said calmly as always. “Ye must not dye ye hair other colors.” 

“And it’s not like there aren’t enough sins,” Jeongin muttered tiredly. Father Hong hadn’t been impressed by Jeongin’s jealousy and after a long preaching about following the word of Good he had asked Jeongin to say a good twenty Hail Marys and Our Fathers to atone for his sins. 

“Hmm, kinda why I quit,” Hyunjin said, his smile a little too tight to be casual. 

“Good for you,” Jeongin said, ignoring how the whole room looked at him weirdly. “What, you expect me to pull out the holy water and fucking Christen all of you?” 

“Well, apparently priesthood is in your future,” Hyunjin said, head tilting to the side as he stared Jeongin down. “Though you might want to cut down on the cursing. That is part of the deal, as far as I know.”

“I don't curse that much,” Jeongin defended himself just as Jisung looked at him with wide eyes.

“Dude, you wanna be a priest? Doesn’t that mean you can’t, like, have sex?” He asked, struggling away from Seungmin who tried to cover his mouth.

“I'm not married so I can’t have sex anyway,” Jeongin said. He gave Hyunjin a sour look, silently blaming him for this mess as he breathed in deeply. He really didn’t want to talk about this. “And I don’t want to be a priest. My priest just thinks I should pursue it. There is a very big difference.”

“Why does he want you to be a priest?” Chan asked, somewhat confused as he ushered Hyunjin and the very blond Felix into the room and down onto the pillows lying ready for them. “You don’t really seem like…”

“It would fit me?” Jeongin finished helpfully. He shook his head and looked at the window. “It wouldn’t,” he agreed. “But Father Hong seems to think I have a calling… That God meant for me to seek the devotion to Him which one can only obtain through the priesthood.”

Jeongin couldn't help but look at Hyunjin, vaguely wondering if he saw through Jeongin’s careful wording. Understood what he was saying under all his empty phrases.

“So you could become the Pope?” Jisung said after a while.

“No, I can't,” he huffed, narrowing his eyes as Jisung broke into a big grin. Jeongin ignored how Hyunjin launched himself at Jisung, tickling his friend to the floor and laughing when Jisung screamed. 

“What is going on?” Changbin asked as he walked in the door, the last man to arrive. “Wait, Felix, did you dye your hair?”

Jeongin finally cracked a smile, the pressure in his chest easing a little. It was perhaps a little relief that Jeongin hadn’t been the only one left out of Felix’s plans to change his appearance. He silently cursed himself for perhaps overreacting, but in his defense, a month of being treated like he would implode at the presence of Hyunjin was perhaps getting to him. 

Isolation had never done him any good, and to feel like the only safe space he had, was keeping him on the outside hurt.

He turned his eyes to the window, allowing the noise and yelling from the other to fill him, to suffocate the void of silence that was slowly growing back in his chest. He just wanted things to go back to normal, for him to fit in again, for his ghosts and desires to go back to their boxes.

Jeongin just wanted to be normal. 

oOo

“Okay,” Chan said, looking like he cracked the code to the universe. They all looked at him as he waved his arms about, almost spilling his fruity virgin cocktail on the floor. “Never have I ever…worn high heels,” he looked about in excitement, seeming to deflate when no one took a sip of their drink. “Are you really all that boring?”

“Nope,” Hyunjin said with a grin, a flush to his cheeks from his drink. “I was just waiting for your reaction,” he added, immediately taking a big gulp of his glass. “And let me tell you, I looked great!” 

They all laughed, even Jeongin smiled along as he tried very hard not to think about how Hyunjin’s long legs would look in heels.  

The night had been surprisingly okay. Jeongin got to talk about Felix’s hair and Felix had said sorry for being secretive about it. They had hugged it out and just for a short moment, Jeongin had felt like he had his roommate back.

The pizza had been ordered, devoured without any leftovers exactly as Jeongin had foreseen, and well, it was nice. Jeongin kept his distance from Hyunjin but for once there wasn’t anything wrong. The usual awkwardness was kinda gone and Jeongin could finally relax. 

Jeongin was having a good time, nestled up between both Felix and Seungmin. 

He had missed his friends. 

When Minho offered to mix some drinks for them, Jeongin and Chan had chosen to stick to nursing their juice, while the rest of the group got progressively tipsier.

Naturally, it was Jisung who suggested they play Never Have I Ever. 

“You’re weak,” the man himself grinned at Chan, a devilish glint in his eyes. “Never have I ever… been in love without confessing,” Jisung said. Chan cursed but chugged the rest of his drink. Most of them did actually, earning them a few teasing remarks. 

Jeongin looked down at his own drink - mostly just mixed juice - before lifting the glass to his lips. He closed his eyes as he heard Jisung gasp.

“No way! Yang Jeongin is in love!” He yelled, eyes wide as saucers. “Come on, let's hear.”

“It’s nothing. And you didn’t ask the others to tell their story,” Jeongin said with a scowl at his friend. “Seriously, it’s nothing,” Jeongin muttered, groaning when he suddenly found everyone’s eyes on him. 

“Wait, is it the girl from church?” Felix asked, looking like he just scored the gossip tip of the century. Jeongin frowned.

“Wait, you're talking about Seojin? No way!” Jeongin said, shaking his head. 

“But you looked cute together,” Changbin interjected with a smile. Jeongin gave him a sour look that made the other man laugh. “What, you did. You even walked her to the bus like a real gentleman and all.”

“First of all, no!” Jeongin said, looking sadly at Seungmin’s drink next to him wishing he had the guts to go against his father’s wishes and just down it in one go. “Secondly, I'm only walking her to the bus to keep one of the other guys there from approaching her. He’s dumb to listen to, and well, she’s nice. It wouldn't be right to let her fend off a fuckwit on her own.”

“Hmm,” Seungmin said, a smile playing on his lips. “Who is it then?” he asked, gently nudging at the Jeongin side. Jeongin kept his eyes on the floor even as they wanted to flutter over to Hyunjin, and give him away.

“It was just a crush, okay,” Jeongin finally admitted, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I… Just liked them okay. And it was silly and dumb and I was seventeen and they’re… they’re just so beautiful.” 

Jeongin closed his eyes remembering how Hyunjin looked back then.

“They sat in front of me in church and when the sun was shining it fell through the windows and bathed them in this otherworldly light,” Jeongin smiled almost unwillingly. “They were so graceful, like God had shaped them and placed them upon earth to show just how amazing a creator He is. We didn’t talk much, but whenever we did they were so kind. I just couldn’t help it.”

“Why didn’t you ever confess?” It was Changbin who asked. Jeongin blinked his eyes open, the image of a younger Hyunjin he had burned into his mind dissolving. 

The real man, not Jeongin’s lost fantasy, was looking at him, eyes soft and head tilted as he looked at Jeongin like he was the sweetest thing in the world.

“It wouldn’t work out,” Jeongin said, his smile falling. How could he tell them it was a sin? They would instantly know. Hyunjin might already know. “And even if I did say something we couldn’t have been together. And then they… moved. They moved and I never saw them again,” Jeongin said, holding back a wince at the lie. Another thing he had to confess. 

“I'm sure you’ll find someone just as special again,” Chan said, his long arms wrapping around Jeongin as a hush fell over all of them. 

“Wait, Hyunjin,” Seungmin said, turning to the man in question. “Do you know who it is? You came from the same church, right?”

Jeongin froze, dread filling him as he looked at his gray socks.

“The congregation was huge,” Hyunjin replied, allowing Jeongin to breathe a sigh of relief. “There were so many girls I couldn't keep track. Besides, I never looked at the girls. I was too busy looking at the boys.”

“Like our own little church singer,” Chan said, hugging Jeongin close. “You ever give our little solo singer a long look, huh?” He asked Hyunjin teasingly and Jeongin felt his cheeks heat up.

“Hmm, a little,” Hyunjin replied with an impish grin. “However, his voice, Chan, I swear you haven’t heard true singing. I didn’t even know it was Jeongin who sang back then, that's how much he changed.” 

The others laughed and soon the game was up and going again, but Jeongin was barely listening. He looked at Hyunjin out of the corner of his eyes as the other man laughed, clinging to Changbin and then Jisung. 

He didn’t even know his singing had made such a lasting impression. It hurt to know he really was just a blip on Hyunjin’s radar, but at the same time he was happy that he made an impression, even if it was just his voice. 

oOo

It was late and Jeongin knew he had to go home soon or commit to spending the night. 

Hyunjin was lying on the couch talking about books with Seungmin. Jeongin kinda wanted to join in, but he didn’t want to ruin whatever truce he and Hyunjin seemed to have established.

Jisung and Chan were talking about music, Jisung singing half-drunken lines at Chan as he messed with a few beats on his computer. Minho was sitting with Felix draped half over him talking with Felix about dancing, while Changbin - in a rare moment of quietness - just looked at Felix.

Something odd tugged at Jeongin. He couldn't help but think of the day he saw them outside. How he was so sure they were holding hands, how Seojin thought they were dating, and how Felix and Changbin’s hands were hidden behind Changbin’s thigh, but for some reason, Jeongin was sure they had been holding hands.

Felix would surely have told him if anything was going on. 

He shook his head, slowly getting up. He smiled at Minho when he looked at him and mouthed ‘the bathroom’ making the older guy relax. He walked down the awkwardly long hallway to the bathroom, sighing when he was finally alone. It is nice being together with everyone, but being so aware of Hyunjin all the time was grating on Jeongin’s nerves. 

He relieved himself and splashed some water on his face. He left the bathroom, his sock-clad feet making no noise as he slowly made his way towards the living room. He didn’t mean to be quiet, but it still happened every time he got a little nervous. An odd habit forced upon him by strict parents and his father's eternal preaching of kids being seen but never heard.

Jeongin learned the hard way to never make a sound.

Later, he would wonder if it was because he was so focused on not making any sound that he heard them. The moan had been so silent he was sure most wouldn’t have noticed, but Jeongin stopped in his tracks right next to the kitchen, lifting his eyebrow as another almost silent moan drifted into the hallway. 

The living room was just ahead and he could see the others on the floor, still talking and laughing. Seungmin had dragged Minho into his and Hyunjin’s discussion, and Jisung and Chan were still working on music. 

Only Changbin and Felix were missing. 

“Binnie,” Felix breathed almost silently, and Jeongin stopped, his heart in his throat. “Please, Jeongin will be back any moment.”

“But I missed you,” Changbin said, voice deep and gravelly. The sound of kissing followed soon after and another breathy sound escaped Felix. “And I really, really like your blond hair.” Changbin’s voice was rough, filled with passion… but also love. 

Jeongin swallowed, nails beginning to dig into the skin of his palms. One of his hands came up to grip the crucifix hanging heavily around his neck. He clutched it hard, edges digging into his skin. 

“Please come home with me. My bed is so empty without you,” Changbin said, voice soft and pleading, like nothing Jeongin had ever heard from him before.

Jeongin knew he shouldn’t, but he took a step forward, looked into the kitchen, and felt his breath catch. 

The edges of the crucifix dug deeper into his skin.

Felix and Changbin didn’t seem to notice, and Jeongin couldn’t blame them, they were clearly too busy to see anything but each other. Changbin had Felix pushed up on the counter, Felix’s short legs wrapped around his waist as they kissed deeply. Changbin broke free from Felix’s lips, settling on kissing his throat forcing another stifled moan out of Felix.

Jeongin didn’t say a word as he walked into the living room, the crucifix finally breaking through his skin. It was Minho who noticed him first, his smile falling as he took in Jeongin’s face. 

“Jeongin, what’s wrong?” He asked, jumping to his feet. Music was playing from Chan’s computer and Jeongin wondered if that was why Felix and Changbin had dared be that free in the kitchen.

“Felix and Changbin…” he didn’t get to say more, the way Minho’s face changed and the way the other went deadly quiet told him everything he needed to know. “Ah. You know,” Jeongin said, voice hollow. 

It hit him then and there. His roommate and best friend were dating someone. His Christian roommate, who had always understood him and cared for him and told him everything, had lied. 

Felix had withheld something deeply personal from Jeongin. On purpose.

Jeongin once again felt isolation creep up on him.

“How long?” He asked, not needing Minho to confirm anything. His friend - if he even still was that to them - looked to the floor and Jeongin felt the anger burn. “How long?” Jeongin asked again, clenching his jaw so hard it hurt. 

“A couple of months,” Minho finally conceded and Jeongin breathed in deeply. “It’s been underway for longer though,” he admitted, lifting his eyes and giving Jeongin a hard challenging glare. 

Jeongin released his crucifix, a tiny smear of blood left on the pristine gold.

“I have to go,” Jeongin said, already halfway to the door and into his boots. He didn’t take the time to lace them properly, just tightened them enough to ensure they didn’t fall off. A single drop of blood ran down his fingers, dripping onto the floor, but he hardly noticed in his betrayed fury.

“Jeongin,” Chan said, voice hard. “Be reasonable. I know, you don’t understand it but they’re in love. They’re gay and there is nothing wrong with that.” 

Jeongin didn’t reply, he just tugged his coat down, shoving his arms into it. He agreed with Chan. He did, but it didn’t help the hurt. It hurt that he was the only one not knowing, that he wasn’t worthy. 

That he wasn’t trusted. 

The others were silent and Jeongin got even angrier. 

Of course, this is why they didn’t want him. Because they thought he was homophobic. Because they thought this was why he avoided Hyunjin.

Jeongin gave Chan a hard look, too angry to speak. He knew he couldn’t say anything. He knew his temper too well. 

Felix chose then to enter the room, a bruise on his neck telling anyone with a brain what he and Changbin had been doing. Changbin followed, two glasses of water acting as their alibi. 

“Oh, you’re leaving already, Jeongin?” Felix asked, the smile on his face falling as he took in Jeongin’s anger. 

“Jeongin knows,” Jisung whispered from the floor, his eyes wide and scared as he looked at Jeongin. 

They were all looking at him like he was in the wrong. How could he be in the wrong when his friends, all of them, had deliberately chosen to lie in his face, to deceive him by withholding Felix and Changbin’s, rather obvious in hindsight, relationship? How could they all have lied to him, deceived him, and kept him out? How could he be in the wrong when they were the ones who had gone behind his back, when they hadn't even given him the chance to accept them.

Another drop of blood ran from his hand, the tiny tear in the middle of his hand beginning to hurt.

He didn’t say a word, didn’t even try to listen to the stuttering coming from Felix, as he broke himself loose from Minho who had grabbed him in an attempt to make him stay. 

Jeongin left, the door slamming with finality behind him.

Chapter Text

Jeongin was tired. So, so tired. He glanced at his mom but she didn’t look back, eyes firmly on the Bible in her hands. Jeongin sent his own version a doleful look, wanting to puff out a breath of air, but he knew that making a single sound would result in a scolding.

His father’s voice was monotonous as he read, complicated old sentences only making Jeongin’s brain feel fuzzy. He looked to his little brother, hoping he too would be bored. But as expected, Jeonghui was listening to their father intensely, eyes alight as he followed the words. 

Jeongin looked at the window briefly, wondering if his parents would mind if he escaped out of it. Considering that they had taken his phone away from him the moment he stepped through the door, probably.

Jeongin tried to keep his breathing inconspicuous as he closed his eyes, already regretting coming home for Chuseok. His mom had pleaded with him, and he hadn’t even made the final decision before the very last minute.

He had meant to talk to the others… but then the whole thing with Felix and Changbin had happened. 

Jeongin repressed another sigh. He had been so mad last night that he had stopped at home, grabbed his things - which had already been packed for his early departure - and spent the night at Seoul Central Train Station, just waiting for the first train. He had turned off his phone in anger, not ready to talk to anyone until his thoughts were in order.

He felt betrayed and angry, but he knew that if he spoke before he had sorted himself out, he would say something he didn't mean. And while Jeongin was mad at Felix, he didn’t deserve to face Jeongin’s wrath uncooled.

He had only slept a little on the train, his eyes now paying the price as they burned with every blink. He hoped he would be able to sneak in a nap later in the afternoon before he had to spend the rest of the evening preparing for tomorrow. His mother had already prepared many of the ingredients which were now waiting in the fridge, but the vast majority was still waiting for their preparation time to come. 

He knew half of it had his name on it, especially the small mountain of bean sprouts he had spotted when he went to get a glass of water. 

Tomorrow they would go to his paternal grandparents, as usual, spend the whole day there and only get home late into the evening. He wouldn’t even be able to sleep in, completely dependent on getting to bed early.  His eyes dragged to the clock on the wall, wondering how it could only be noon. 

He felt like he had been awake for hours, sitting here, listening to his father speak for an eternity… even if it had only been a good twenty minutes. 

Jeongin had meant to text at least Chan as soon as he got to Busan, and not completely disappear on them, but his father had been in a mood. Or rather he had taken one look at Jeongin’s rustled appearance and decided he was sinning, confiscated his phone, and made the whole house study the Bible.

To cleanse them of mortal sin. Or something like that. To be honest, Jeongin had been too exhausted to even question what the man was going on about.

Jeongin had read the Bible so many times. He read it front to back and again, trying to find anywhere where it described God as he felt him, anywhere it allowed Jeongin to be himself. But now, looking at the words, they felt hollower than ever, tales from thousands of years ago trying to dictate the lives of the living. 

He was pretty sure that was exactly why his father had chosen to read about creation and temptation, something Jeongin could almost recite by heart from having read it so many times. Jeongin suspected his father wanted him to lose his attention or even better, lull Jeongin to sleep, just so he could be proven right in how wicked Seoul was making Jeongin, how ungrateful and restless Jeongin had grown.

As if Jeongin hadn’t always just tried his best. 

It was like every time Jeongin tried to become his own person his parents tried to pull him back in. A very startling change from his friends who always pushed him to be himself. To break free and... Well, dye his hair if he wanted. 

Jeongin couldn’t help but wonder what he would look like blond… Or blue…

He sighed silently as he blinked painfully slowly. It hadn’t even been a day but he was already regretting leaving, hell, he was regretting being angry at Felix in the first place. Like always, Jeongin pressed everything down until it blew up, and once he got the anger out and cleared his thoughts he usually saw reason. 

He had to apologize to Felix once he got home. 

He had just been so angry. Angry they hadn’t told him, angry he wasn't a part of them anymore, and angry that they hadn’t even talked with him about it. They just assumed he was a homophobe.

Jeongin knew his family was special. That they were a few short steps away from being a cult, so it would be understandable if his friends assumed the worst about his church, but that they outright feared him being a homophobe had hurt. He wasn't, and he had thought that they knew.

His parents on the other hand… Jeongin knew what they felt about those who chose to indulge in sin. To them, the church and the Bible’s words were law.

As a child, it had been normal. It was normal that they didn’t have a television. It was normal that they didn’t read books about sin, and, of course, Jeongin’s father’s words were naturally law. But as Jeongin had started high school he had realized they weren’t normal. Even among other Catholics from the same church, they were extreme. 

Jeongin didn’t talk about it much, but he knew from the way Chan looked at him oddly when he talked about his childhood that it wasn’t normal. He knew from the way Felix would sometimes stare at him with confusion written on his face, that the reading of the Bible he had grown to know as law, wasn’t always as clear as Jeongin had been taught. 

Not that he and Felix talked about religion much. After all, they shared a God, but the ways they went about praising Him were very different though.  They had found it easier not to talk about… though now Jeongin regretted it. He had thought that he and Felix were on the same page regarding almost everything related to their religion. But clearly they weren’t. 

Perhaps he should have understood his friend better and have understood why he hid his and Changbin’s relationship instead of telling Jeongin. Perhaps homosexuality was a different kind of sin, a lesser, or more severe sin, depending on the branch of Christianity. Perhaps, Jeongin just didn’t know anything about his friends. 

It was why he never fit in.. because he had been molded into a puzzle piece that wasn’t meant to fit into the real world. Looking up at his parents and little brother, Jeongin began to wonder if perhaps he wasn’t made to fit in here either. 

“Jeongin, are you even listening?” His father said, voice hard. Jeongin raised his eyes, meeting those of his father. They had that glint that made Jeongin’s back ache with old memories and made a shiver travel down his spine. 

“I am,” Jeongin said, voice tight. His back was aching from sitting straight for hours, his eyes burning and his head hurting… But Jeongin should never show his weakness. 

“Then focus,” His father ordered, eyes telling Jeongin he was a disappointment. “You continue,” he said, and Jeongin could do nothing more than breathe in deeply, starting where his father had paused, the words feeling more hollow than ever; “‘‘ You will not certainly die’, the serpent said to the woman. For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil… ’”

oOo

God… 

Where are you?

oOo

“I think you should move home,” his mother said, carefully stirring the stew she was making for dinner. Next to her, water was boiling spinach for namul for tomorrow. 

Jeongin looked up, confused. 

“Why?” he asked, eyes returning to the mountain of bean sprouts he was nipping the end off. “I’m halfway through my bachelor's degree, mom, I can’t just move.” They had been here before. The same conversation, the same arguments, and always the same outcome. Jeongin knew that this wouldn’t be the last time they had this discussion. She had gotten so angry at him when he said he was moving, but she didn’t have a good reason to stop him.

He doubted she had one now. 

“I’m sure you could transfer,” she said, her voice guarded. Jeongin nipped one of the ends of the bean sprout a little harder than perhaps needed, breaking the thing in two. 

“Mom, it’s one of the best universities in the country. It’s really hard to get in, and with a diploma, I would be able to work almost anywhere,” Jeongin said with a frown. He knew his parents were against him studying in Seoul, but he had expected them to accept that he would at least finish his master's there.

By then he would have had plenty of time to come up with a reason to stay in Seoul. 

“But you don’t need to get a job anywhere,” his mother said, finally giving up staring at the stew to look at him. “You need to get a job here. And your father already found you an internship. If you move back here you could start working for Mr. Lee right away, and even work there while you finish your degree.” She looked at Jeongin with a blinding smile, almost like she cracked some impossible code and was endlessly proud.

Jeongin could only blink tiredly, wishing once again he just stayed home and slept. 

“But…”

“I don’t like how Seoul is changing you,” his mother cut him off, voice firm as those eyes, so much like his own, looked at him with the same disdain he was used to getting from his father. “Your older brother is getting his degree here, and look how well he is doing. Look at your little brother, already on his way to early admission into med school.” 

Jeongin didn’t say anything, knowing fully what was coming. 

“You already disappointed your dad when you didn’t want to study medicine,” she said, voice frail. “And now you come home, looking like you've been out all night, smelling of alcohol and…”

“That was Jisung knocking over his cocktail and getting it on my shirt. I only had juice,” Jeongin defended himself, trying very hard not to sigh in frustration. “And I told you, I had to leave super early so I didn't miss my train.” 

The lie tasted bitter on his tongue, but he couldn’t tell her about Felix. She wouldn’t understand, and worse, she would take it as proof of her being right. 

“You’re sounding more and more distant on the phone. You’ve stopped listening to us and you’ve changed so much,” she said, looking away for a brief moment as she collected herself. “Jeongin, what if… what if you get tempted Into following your urges?”

Jeongin’s hands stopped, eyes flying to where his mother was looking at him with tears in her eyes. 

His heart stopped in his chest as he took in the meaning of her words. 

“Father Kim told me,” she said as her hands shook. “He said, I should watch over you, and that you might be turned by the devil while you were away.” 

Jeongin didn’t say a word, he just looked at her with terror in his eyes.

“It wasn’t hard to guess what he meant. You always used to look at that poor boy like he was… A sin,” she said, walking over to the table and sitting down. Her eyes were red, tears welling up in them as she reached out to grasp Jeongin’s cold fingers. “I think God helped you with taking him away. That he died was tragic, but I think God wanted you to stop looking at him like that, Jeongin.”

Jeongin pulled his hands away, hiding them under the table.

Her touch felt like a stranger’s.

“I haven’t told your father,” she said like that was supposed to help him with anything. “But I suppose he might already know. You always were an odd child. So fuzzy and sensitive,” she added like she is criticizing a bad habit and not central parts of his personality. 

Jeongin felt bile build in his throat. He wanted to throw up, run away and hide. Be anywhere other than here. 

“I wouldn’t… I would never,” Jeongin tried to defend himself, but his mother stopped him with a look.

“But you might,” she said, tears finally breaking free. “And that would make you a sinner. That would detach you from God, and set you on the path to Hell. Jeongin, my love, how will I be able to die in peace knowing I can't meet all of my kids in His kingdom? That I failed as a mother and let one of my precious gifts fall into sin, and left him in hell?”

Jeongin stared at her tears, heart heavy.

“You wouldn’t be reborn, you’d never be a part of his eternal kingdom after the resurrection. You’d be separated from us forever,” Her voice was shaking, more tears falling from her cheeks and Jeongin couldn't speak. “Jeongin. Please come home.”

He was silent for a long time, staring down at his hand, feeling a little like he was tearing at the seams. All the things he kept hidden, kept repressed, and away had all been in vain.

They all knew.

“I can’t stop in the middle of the semester, mom,” he finally forced out, his voice hoarse. He was struggling to keep the facade in place, to keep pretending he wasn’t falling apart. “But maybe I’ll come back to take my masters here,” he said, lying for the sake of escaping the painful reminder that if he returned home again, he would be leaving everything he held dear. 

He couldn’t leave Seoul. It would kill him to return home.

His chest felt too tight, like the air had gotten thicker. He wanted to leave, to run away but he couldn’t. He had to help his mom, pretend like she hadn’t just broken his whole world apart. 

“Good, I’ll talk with your father, and we will see what we can do. Perhaps you can even finish your last year here,” she said like it was all final. She wiped away her tears, giving Jeongin a soft smile. “Please, just be good. Perhaps we should find you a sweet girl. Once you’re married then you wouldn’t be tempted anymore. Just imagine, you with kids and a beautiful wife. Just like God intended.” 

It was dumb, but deep in his heart, he wondered if his mother would accept him if he allowed himself to seek love where he wanted to find it. If she would allow him to live true to himself. He knew he would have to live a chaste life, but he could perhaps find someone like him. Another man trapped in a life where their physical love was a sin. 

He dreamed of long nights reading, of loving each other completely and devotedly, just chastely. He dreamed of being with someone who understood him, someone who loved him even if it was only through stolen kisses and hands held tightly in secret. 

He dreamed of his parent’s acceptance and a happy life, even with limitations. But of course, he couldn't have that. His mother wanted him to marry, to change, and to become better. To not be him, but the son she thought she had raised. 

Jeongin nodded, mindlessly beginning to nip the end of the beansprouts off again. His mother was talking again, no doubt gushing about that wonderful God-given future of his.  

Jeongin tried to imagine it. He really tried.

The home, almost like the one he grew up in, children with his eyes, a woman with a kind smile, and a warm heart like his own mother had once had. Perhaps a dog, or a fish. It would be easy, it would be normal, but no matter how hard Jeongin tried to imagine it, he could never see himself in it. He could never see himself with a wife, could never see himself with kids at his feet, or in a home like this.

He couldn’t see him live that big of a lie without it being just as big a sin as loving another man. 

In his dreams, his secret dreams, he would always be in Seoul, in a large apartment and when he imagined waking up in the morning it was not to the soft embrace of a woman, but the hard planes of a chest and the unyielding strength of another man’s arms.

Jeongin didn’t say a word. Like always he pushed it down, ignored it, and hoped it would go away. 

Because Jeongin wasn’t like Felix. He wasn’t like Hyunjin. 

Jeongin wasn’t meant for happiness. 

oOo

Dear God…

If I was made to sin, why did you place me here?

If I was meant to do wrong just by falling in love,  

why did you let me hear your word?

If I was meant to be a sinner, 

why not let me be born a heathen?

If I was meant to disappoint…

Why give me life at all

Why….

Please, I just want to be loved

oOo

Jeongin’s room was dark. Darker even than his room in Seoul. Sometimes it was hard to imagine that he was living just on the outskirts of Busan. That South Korea’s second-biggest city was his home and that his parents believed he would be safer here than anywhere else. 

He breathed out deeply, wishing he could check the time, but his clock was old-fashioned and Jeongin couldn't be bothered to get up from his bed to stick it under the curtains to try and use the sparing streetlight outside to see the time.

He had been with his whole family today, all his uncles and aunts, cousins, and nephews. The many people had been a little too much after the complete silence of the day before, not to mention the talk with his mom. 

Speaking of which, Jeongin had just decided to push it away and pretend like it had never happened. He couldn’t deal with it now. Perhaps he could talk with Chan, disclose a few crucial details, and get the older man’s opinion. It wouldn’t work talking to Minho about it, because Jeongin knew the older man well enough to know he would just trap Jeongin like one of his stray cats, and never let him go. 

Jeongin hadn’t even had the time to think… nor the chance to borrow a phone from a cousin and text Chan or Minho about where he was. His mother had been watching him like a hawk and he had been stuck with the kids all day, in charge of entertaining them.

He was exhausted and tired to his very core.

Jeongin opened his eyes, sleep refusing to come.

He wanted to talk to Felix, to speak with his friends. He missed them. Perhaps it was because he had barely seen them before he left due to the whole thing with Hyunjin, but Jeongin longed for them. He wanted to be back there, in Minho’s apartment laughing and drinking mixed juice with Chan, with teasing words getting thrown around. 

Whoever he was when he was with them was beginning to feel more real. More like him. The cursing, the bossy attitude he always knew he had, they didn’t mind. Here, he had to be silent, had to be good, had to be someone else.

At home, he wasn’t Jeongin. He was some dead, listless creature, without thoughts and feelings, because those weak and fickle things weren’t welcome in his childhood home. Here, Jeongin would always be in the wrong, and he would always be someone born to sin no matter his pure intentions.

Jeongin hadn’t even noticed how exhausting that was; To be expected to be sinful no matter his actions. Even when he was here during the summer it hadn’t been this bad, but something must have changed in the meantime, because now everywhere he went, his family looked at him as if he was dragging sin around with him. Perhaps his mother was right and Jeongin had changed, but it was hard to understand how he had changed for the worse.

He worked harder than anyone at school, he went to church, Bible study, and even spent some free time helping out with the church’s charity when he could. He was devoted to his faith, and lived a sin-free life, confessed, and partook in the Eucharist as often as he could. 

Jeongin tried to be good, and he was… Now, he just tried to be himself a little as well. 

He breathed out deeply, the breath coming out as a stutter as tears began to press at his eyes again. He couldn't believe he had failed. After trying for so many years not to let anyone know that he was sinful, he had failed completely and now everyone could see it. 

Jeongin closed his eyes, feeling utterly disgusted with himself. 

Did his friends know as well? Did Chan suspect? Minho? Seungmin and Jisung? Changbin? Did Felix have an inkling and was that part of why he kept the truth of him and Changbin to himself… or even worse did Hyunjin know?

Did Hyunjin know of his wrong and sinful nature? Did Hyunjin know of his sinful attraction?

Perhaps he was laughing at Jeongin, aware of his pathetic one-sided love, knowing that Jeongin was just like him, just too afraid of his parents and his God to ever break free. Did he laugh about Jeongin choosing to be miserable just to get a better afterlife?

Did he know Jeongin understood how hard his break with his family had been better than anyone, and still chose to ignore him?

He put a hand over his heart, almost wishing he wore his crucifix to bed, knowing that the cold metal would have been able to ground him and would have chased away his all-consuming and wrongful desires. He turned his hand, feeling the small scabbed wound on his palm: a mark of Cain just for him. 

A sigil of his depravity. 

Jeongin closed his eyes, breathing deeply as he tried to reach out to God, wanting to feel that familiar warmth of his love. But there was nothing. Nothing but the suffocating silence of his childhood home.

oOo

God… why must we sin?

If everything we do as humans is wrong,

Why did you create us like this? Why must we do wrong?

Why? 

Why did you make me wrong?

oOo

“So,” Father Kim said, his hand coming to rest on Jeongin’s shoulder as he stood just inside the church, his mother holding on to him as the rest of the congregation left. “I understand you want to talk,” he continued with a smile, the hand on Jeongin’s shoulder squeezing him in what should have been a comforting way, but just felt like an anchor weighing him now.  

Jeongin nodded, trying to look ahead even though he felt a little like throwing up. The early autumn air was crisp as it snaked through the open door, prickling Jeongin’s cheeks and forcing its way through his blazer, making him uncomfortably cold. 

His mother had insisted Jeongin talked with Father Kim before he went back. 

Jeongin had already confessed, received communion, and been blessed, so he was sure his soul was perfectly intact, but his mother had been worried. And Jeongin wanted to be good. He wanted to be worthy of his mother’s love.

“Come with me,” Father Kim said, guiding Jeongin back towards his office. Jeongin looked over his shoulder at his mother who simply smiled back at him before walking over to the pews, obviously intending to pray until Jeongin came back. 

He sighed, chest filling with guilt. He did this. He made his mother upset, disappointed his family… and his friends, just because Jeongin couldn’t be firm in his faith. Just because he couldn’t reject temptation. 

Because Jeongin wanted to be kissed, to be held, to be loved. 

“Remember,” Father Kim said as they entered his office, the door closing after him. “That this isn’t a confession. You don’t have to bear your heart to me, but I got the feeling that you were having a crisis of faith. That was at least what your mother told me.” 

Jeongin swallowed, feeling oddly small even if it was just a normal office.

It shouldn’t feel this nerve-wracking to just talk to his priest.

“I… My mom doesn’t like me studying in Seoul. She wants me to come home,” Jeongin said, eyes on his hands. “I personally would like to stay in Seoul. It’s a really good university and, well, I like my classmates and professors,” Jeongin added, daring to look up at the priest. 

Father Kim was watching him with a frown.

“Well, the Bible teaches us to respect and obey our parents. If your mother feels it would be best for you to return home, I would strongly encourage you to do so,” Father Kim said, moving gently around in his robes. “Your parents are meant to guide you. I am sure your mother just thinks you’re lonely and wants you home.”

“But I'm not lonely,” Jeongin protested weakly. “I have friends. Good friends.” 

“And why were you upset when you got here?” Father Kim asked calmly, yet his demeanor was threatening, as if he would leap forward at any moment and uncover the miscreant Jeongin must have become. “Your mother said you seemed angry when they picked you up, and you admitted you had committed that sin earlier.”

Jeongin felt his cheeks blush. So much for anonymity while confessing. 

“I was angry because they had lied to me,” Jeongin admitted, knowing there was no way he was getting around being honest. Father Kim knew him too well. “One of them, my best friend, hadn’t told me he was dating someone… another one of my friends.”

Father Kim didn’t say anything, just nodded for Jeongin to continue. 

“They all knew about it, except me,” Jeongin said, failing to keep the hurt out of his voice. “I just felt dumb. Excluded, because they hadn’t told me. And I was hurt, so I got angry. Stormed out and didn’t even tell them I was here… But I understand it must have been difficult and I’ve forgiven him completely.” he added in a rush, feeling a little lighter. 

After years of confession, it was just automatic. The relief of spilling his secrets to a priest filled him with serenity.

“Only through confession can one be forgiven, Jeongin. Only God can relieve you of your sins,” Father Kim corrected him. “And why were they keeping their relationship a secret?”

“Because…” Jeongin swallowed, looking down again. “They are both men. They’re gay.”

The silence in the office was like purgatory.

“Ah,” Father Kim finally said with a deep sigh. “Your friends, are any of them Catholic?”

“No, one is Lutheran, the other, I’m not sure of. He never mentioned it. But I don't think he goes to church,” Jeongin said, fiddling with the rosary ring around his finger. He wondered if he should talk about Hyunjin, if Father Kim would like to know. “There is another boy,” Jeongin felt his cheeks get hot. “He’s gay as well, but-”

“I think you should come back here,” Father Kim said, cutting Jeongin off. “It is your mother’s wish, and it’s clear that you’ve fallen in with the wrong crowd.”

Jeongin blinked, his breath stuttering in his chest. “W-what?”

“Normally I would advise you to inform them of why they should abstain, and then proceed to, well, not judge… but, Jeongin, my child,” he said with a deep sigh, settling himself in front of Jeongin, towering over him. “Considering your own, how to say it, personal trials, I would ask you to avoid spending time with them,” 

Jeongin felt like he had been punched in the stomach.

“But… I would never. I promised I wouldn’t act on it,” Jeongin's voice shook as he spoke, tears threatening in the corners of his eyes. “I know, I desire men and it’s wrong, but I promised you, I wouldn’t look at men like that, and I never have.. Not since… not since,” Jeongin hiccuped, curling in on himself, trembling slightly.

“Not since the Hwang boy, may God bless his soul,” Father Kim said, pity filling his voice. “I know your love felt pure to you, Jeongin, but it was sinful. I know, you might not believe me, but had you been older, I’m sure you would have acted on those feelings.”

Jeongin bit his lips, trying hard not to fall apart. He felt so small, so wrong in the face of Father Kim’s true belief and honesty. He closed his eyes, focusing on breathing deeply.

“Jeongin, have you thought about becoming a priest?” Father Kim asked again, his voice kind yet filled with that awful pity that made Jeongin’s stomach roll. “God chose you to carry a heavy burden, devoting your life to God and His word would lift that. And you always were a bright kid, you could really become something within the church.”

“I don’t think it will suit me,” Jeongin said, fingers digging into his thighs to the point of the skin beneath his nails hurting. He didn’t dare touch his crucifix, afraid Father Kim would disapprove of him clinging to Christ so unseemingly. “I don’t think I have the right devotion to preach, or guide…” Jeongin trailed off, hiding the truth that he wasn't ready to voice. 

He wasn’t sure he could guide a congregation down the righteous path. 

He wasn't sure someone like him would be a worthy guide. Someone clinging to his faith like a dying man while God felt further and further away from him.

Every day, God became fainter for Jeongin, leaving him lost and confused in a world with too many questions and not enough answers. Jeongin did his utmost to live a pure and good life, but by each passing hour, he felt like sin was devouring him up from the inside. Lying is a sin, but in order to pursue his faith truthfully, he had to lie for years on end about who he was, what he wanted, and what he desired. 

Every day Jeongin lied before the face of God, pretending to be someone that he wasn’t, playing the role of a person he could never become. His entire life was a lie, a sin, so how could an existence so wrong ever be truly righteous?

How could someone like him ever become a true man of God?

“I love my friends,” he finally admitted when Father Kim didn't say anything further, allowing Jeongin to form his own words. “I like the time I spend with them. They love me and they wouldn’t care…” About me being different.

Jeongin dared to look up and found Father Kim gazing upon him as if he was a child, eyes filled with pity and yet an unforgivable disagreement with what Jeongin is saying.

“Sin always feels good,” He finally said, looking directly into Jeongin’s eyes. “Eve surely felt pleasure when she ate the apple, the people of Sodom surely found pleasure in their ways before God smote them for their sins.” 

Father Kim stopped talking, and took a deep breath. 

“When we sin we defy God, we defy His commandments and reject His love. It feels good at the moment, but the damage to your soul isn’t worth it,” he gently reached out, touching Jeongin’s arm. “What you feel with your friends isn’t love. Real love is what you’ll find when you give in to God fully, and reject the idea that your desires are right,” he finished, patting Jeongin’s arm in a comforting sort of way.  

“‘The men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error,’” Father Kim quoted, looking directly into Jeongin’s eyes. “That is what the apostle said in the Romans, that is the way of God, and the way of Jesus Christ,” he continued, eyes barely blinking as he held Jeongin’s gaze mercilessly. 

“‘Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things, but also approve of those who practice them ,’” Father Kim spoke in a calm voice. “I fear your friends might be such people. A man can not lie with another man, Jeongin, whatever love you might think you can have is a lie and a sin.”

Jeongin averted his eyes and didn’t say anything and bit his lip. Hard. 

His thumb kept pressing into the scabbed-over spot in his palm. 

“Your friends will keep encouraging you to turn from God. Sadly, young people these days don’t value religion, and if you stay in Seoul, I’m afraid you might read the devil’s temptations as logic. It would have happened to lesser people than you, Jeongin. If you want to save yourself, come home. We, and your parents, will protect you. Here, you’re safe,” he continued, leaning back, the frown on his face making his wrinkles more pronounced. “Won't it be easier? To not be tempted at all? To reject their sin and be free?” 

Jeongin didn’t reply.

He honestly wasn’t sure anymore. 

oOo

Dear God

Please, just… 

I can’t leave them

My friends, they can’t… 

They can’t be wrong

I love them… 

How can they be damned?

All they’ve ever done is love me 

oOo

Jeongin looked down at his food, his chopsticks poking at the kimchi listlessly. It was a shame to admit it, especially in the presence of his parents, but he was missing Minho’s cooking. His dad didn’t like bold flavors, or anything that tasted ‘too much’. He believed it to be against the humbleness of Christ to have too much of anything.

The lack of flavor got worse during Sunday dinner when his mom wasn’t allowed to cook anything too extravagant or time-consuming. His father was very particular about keeping the rest of the day sacred. No one had mentioned anything about Jeongin and his mother staying back after mass, just like no one had mentioned Jeongin escaping to his room when they got home, showing up to dinner with bloodshot and puffy eyes.

No one had said a word, and the silence was killing him. 

While he had been visiting for the summer, he had made sure to be out as much as possible, keeping in touch with his friends in Seoul and even had nightly calls with Felix. Sometimes the rest of the group had also joined in on those calls and they had spoken all night long. Now, he couldn’t do any of those things. His phone was gone, and he wouldn’t be surprised if his parents had locked the doors to prevent him from leaving without their permission.

Jeongin now realized what had always been absent in the childhood home: Noise. The whole house was covered in a silence so thick, that he was slowly being suffocated by it.

It was so quiet. 

In Seoul, there was always noise, but here in the home Jeongin grew up in, he could only barely hear the street. If he strained his ear he could make out the faint sound of the other people in the building, but it was so vague, almost like it was noise from another world slipping through the cracks of his own. 

In Seoul, Jeongin lived in a building filled with families and teenagers, people who came and went at all times of day, delivery men driving around on scooters at the oddest of times, and loud drunks yelling and singing from the food stall around the corner.

His friends were loud, too. Changbin was always yelling, Felix squawking and squealing when he was teased, Minho hollering - or playing a recorder, just because - Chan begging them to keep it down, or Sungmin trying to tease Changbin into yelling even louder. Jisung was always talking, shyly at first, and then a lot as he began to be passionate, and Hyunjin… Well, he would laugh, joining in on teasing Changbin, until Felix would have to step in and calm the other man down, Seungmin crackling like a maniac, and Jisung poking his side while Minho complained endlessly about something just because he could.

It was loud, terribly, and oddly perfect. And Jeongin fitted in. 

They didn’t mind his quick replies, his yelling, or his slightly bossy nature. With them, he felt real, not like a mistake delivered from below. He fit in better with those loud men he had only known for a year than he did in the tense silence of the people who fostered him, only the chime of chopsticks against porcelain and brass filling the room.  

Jeongin couldn’t help but look around their home. It was nice and cozy, but now he had gotten used to the other cramped spaces filled with odd knick-knacks, his own home suddenly seemed empty. 

There wasn’t much on the walls except for a few landscapes, a collection of crucifixes on the wall - so Christ’s torment was always in mind whenever they made a choice throughout the day - and books. Lots and lots of books, but none of them were about people. Not real people at least. 

Not like the novels he read at home, in Seoul.

Jeongin wanted to scream, to yell, to do something, to sweep his dinner off the table and act out in front of his oppressors. He wanted to break free.

His mother’s words from Friday were still weighing him down, and he hadn’t had a chance to collect himself before Father Kim had made it worse. 

“Jeongin, why are you poking at your food?” His father’s words were strict. Both his mother and brothers just continued eating, as if no one had spoken a word. It was their father’s job to scold, to lead, and to control. His word was final. “Don’t be listless. You’re disrespecting not only your mother, but God as well,”

Jeongin stared at his food, suddenly feeling suffocated. 

He couldn’t do this. 

“Thank you for dinner,” he said, got up from the table with a huff, and left his family at the table. He ignored how his mother called out to him and instead went into his room, the door closing heavily behind him. 

He didn’t have an appetite anyway. 

He threw himself on the bed, the need to curse filling him to the brim. He felt caged in, rubbed raw, and frustrated beyond belief. He wanted to cry again, to let all the confusion out through his tears. It hadn’t helped the first time, so he doubted it would work a second. 

He wanted to go home; Home to Felix to cry in his arms, to Seungmin who would try and cheer him up, to Minho who would cook him delicious food that tasted delicious, and to Chan who would listen to him talk. Home to Jisung who would show him new music and movies, and Changbin who would just take him to the gym to work out his frustrations and lend his ears to let Jeongin air his worries. 

It didn’t matter if they lied to him, it didn’t matter that he had gotten angry, they could continue lying to him and Jeongin would just be grateful to be allowed in their company. Jeongin had forgiven them days ago, and now he just wanted to go back and be with them. To be part of their friend group. 

He would even talk with Hyunjin, try and tell him that Jeongin understood, perhaps make him understand that Jeongin got him, and that Jeongin wasn’t the church, wasn’t his parents. Perhaps Jeongin could get his spot back, and be part of them as he was before Hyunjin suddenly came into his life. 

Jeongin wanted his family. Even if they were all sinners. 

Jeongin could be good, he could stay pure and prove all of them wrong. He wouldn’t sin. As long as he could have his friends, he could do everything. Repress any desire, lock away all the wrong parts of himself, and be good. He might not be able to be true to himself, but if he just avoided those wrong parts of himself, then it wouldn’t be a lie and he wouldn’t be sinning.

Jeongin couldn’t give up his friends… but he couldn’t give up his family either.

He could compromise. 

“Fuck,” he whispered as he looked at the ceiling. 

Jeongin closed his eyes and tried to calm his wildly beating heart. He knew he would pay for walking out at dinner. One way or another, his father would find a way. Jeongin could only thank God that he was going home tomorrow afternoon.

He had never looked more forward to a train trip in his life. He just wanted to go home tomorrow afternoon and relax. He knew his mother wanted him to get back to her about returning home, but Jeongin thought he might still push it until summer. He had to finish the year at least… and perhaps, Chan would know what to do. Have a way to persuade his mom. Something.

Jeongin couldn’t leave. He just couldn’t.

He looked up at the crucifix over his bed, looking at the pained Jesus hanging there. Folding his hands, Jeongin tried to pray, but suddenly God felt so far away. Jeongin had always been able to feel him, the soft guidance and the pleasant warmth that filled him when he was in church or when praying. As he got older the feelings had gotten weaker and weaker…

Now he just felt empty.

oOo

Jeongin stared at the soap, at the light reflecting in the little bubbles as he washed the plates. He could hear his family talk softly in the other room, all happy after having eaten a big lunch, but Jeongin honestly just wanted to be on his own. His head was still filled with his mother’s words and Father Kim’s recommendation, and, well, Jeongin’s own doubts.

He had never been so full of doubt.

“You should perhaps stick to singing hymns,” his older brother’s voice interrupted him and the ballad Jeongin had unconsciously been singing under his breath. Jeongin glanced over his shoulder, finding his older brother staring back at him with a soft look. “Dad will think your depravity has gotten too deep if he finds you singing of adultery,” he added with a kind smile. 

Jeongin didn’t reply, just placed another plate on the drying rack. 

“Did mom send you, Jeonghwan?” Jeongin asked when his brother kept staring at him, eyes returning to the plates. 

“Whatever would mom send me for?” Jeonghwan asked in that way Jeongin knew he was lying without technically doing so. His brother had always been better at bending the rules than Jeongin had. 

“She wants me to move back here,” Jeongin said, the yellow sponge pushing leftover food off the plate, washing it clean. As good as new, without any stains. “Wants me to give up one of the best universities in the country to come back here so they can watch me.”

“Would it be that bad, though?” Jeonghwan asked, grabbing a towel before he began to dry the dishes. “You could still live on campus. You’d just be closer. Could come back to the youth group in our church. You’d be home.”

“But I like my university,” Jeongin said, sighing as he switched to a dirty bowl. “I like the professors, my friends… They're really nice.”

“Hmm, Catholic?” His brother asked, placing the plate down and picking up another one. 

“What, my professors or my friends?” Jeongin couldn’t help but jape as his brother rolled his eyes at him. “But no,” Jeongin said, a little confused as to why that seemed to matter so much to everyone. “One of them is Lutheran… or something. It’s an Australian church,” he added with a shrug, looking up when his brother made a strange sound. “What?”

“Well, isn’t it difficult?” Jeonghwan asked, looking up, eyes almost exactly like Jeongin’s own, staring back at him. “Being with so many people who don’t understand you? I mean, many Lutherans think we’re naive to think that we can be forgiven, they believe only God can do that in the afterlife. And they have so many rules. Even in their thoughts, they can sin. God sees all and if they can’t even ask for forgiveness, aren’t they all doomed to fail? We can be whatever we want, as long as we stay righteous and confess our sins.” Jeonghwan finished, turning to face Jeongin completely.

“What do you mean?” Jeongin asked, feeling like his brother’s gaze weighed a million tons.

“If they sin, they can only wait for God to judge them.” He wiped another plate, playing it on top of each other. “At least God allows the Fathers to help us forgive our sins, only asking we try not to do wrong again and repent when we need. We don’t carry our sins our whole life, just until the next confession. We can repent and be forgiven, they can’t.”

Jeongin blinked, frowning. He had never thought it was easy. It wasn't easy to suppress something that felt like it was an important piece of who he was. It hadn't been easy to never fully be able to become who he felt he was.

“I suppose you’re right,” Jeongin agreed half-heartedly, trying to see his brother’s reason. He continued to wash a few more bowls, allowing the silence to settle between them. He looked up at his brother, biting his lip, wondering. 

“When I was in Seoul,” Jeongin eventually said, voice hesitant as he watched a fork gleam under the water. “I happened to see a boy who looks just like Hwang’s kid, you know, the boy who died.”

Beside him, Jeonghwan froze.

“Found out he is on my roommate's dance team, and I asked who he was. It turns out his name is Hwang Hyunjin,” Jeongin continued, watching how his brother remained frozen out of the corner of his eyes. “That to me seems very strange.” 

“Stay away from him,” Jeonghwan said, voice thin as he placed the bowl he’d been drying down. “Please, Jeongin, don’t get involved.”

“You knew?” Jeongin whispered, voice trembling. A feeling of betrayal bloomed in his stomach as he looked at his brother who wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I was heartbroken thinking he was dead, and you just let me, while knowing he wasn’t?”

“What was I supposed to say? We weren’t supposed to know. And what good would it have done? It was better you thought he was gone anyway… None of us thought you would move to Seoul and meet him,” Jeonghwan said, eyes skirting towards the door leading to the dining room. He lowered his voice and leaned in closer. “I only know his parents dragged him to church one day, begging Father Kim to forgive him his homosexual sins while Hyunjin was kicking and screaming. Two weeks later he was suddenly dead and gone, buried in a different church. It… just seemed to me and dad that the Hwangs had sent him away.”

His brother took a deep breath, eyes skirting back to the other room again.

“We’re not to judge what others do, Jeongin,” Jeonghwan said, voice sharp and reminded Jeongin a little too much of their father. “If the Hwangs wanted to send their son away and pretend he was dead, well, what was I to say? Besides, it seemed like it was for the best. You know, everything considered,” he added cryptically, eyes on the kitchen counter. “Mom doesn’t know about the Hwang boy, by the way. It’s only me and dad. And we weren’t even meant to know. It was, well, an accident,” he added, carefully. Hesitantly almost. “Dad and I were there when they arrived. We tried not to listen in, but Mr. Hwang was speaking so loudly… and well, the kid wasn’t quiet either,” he sighed, a dark look settling in his eyes as he finally looked up at Jeongin again.

“You should stay away from him,” Jeonghwan warned, voice tight as he looked at Jeongin. “A man who’s willing to sin, but not repent can’t be a good person. You should have heard some of the things he yelled. I never faulted anyone for being attracted to the same gender, but I expect them to avoid fornication and sex outside of marriage. Sleeping with another boy in his parent’s home and then pretending he wasn’t sinning,” his brother said, shaking his head in disbelief. “The kid clearly didn’t think he’d done anything wrong. He even went as far as to yell at Father Kim that he misinterpreted the Bible."

There were hardly any bubbles left in the water. Jeongin moved his hands around, watching as the bubbles danced around each other, reflecting the light from the lamps above them.

“And all in all, with how you used to look at him, I think it would be better to let it be,” Jeonghwan added, voice so quiet Jeongin could barely hear him. “I don’t want you to do something dumb, Jeongin, and the Hwang kid always did twist your head.” 

Jeongin's hands froze as his heart stopped. 

“It was just better for him to be dead,” his brother sighed, voice barely there. “It kept you safe, and I wanted to protect you from possible sin.”

Jeongin’s hands began to shake, the last frail parts of his sanity beginning to break apart. 

His mother knew, and now even his brother was insinuating his knowledge of Jeongin’s flaws. 

They all knew. 

“Just, just use your head, and trust God. He’s testing you, more perhaps than the rest of us, but that just means He loves you more than anyone else,” Jeonghwan continued, beginning to dry the rest of the bowl while Jeongin kept his eyes on the dirty and soapy water.

He thought no one had known, and in reality, everyone knew. They all knew he was born to sin.

They all knew he was wrong.

“You’re a good kid,” his brother said, his hand coming to rest on Jeongin’s shoulder. “Just, don’t do something illicit. The brief relief of letting go is nothing compared to the eternal love of God.”

Jeongin didn’t reply, he just returned to cleaning the fork in his hand, pretending he wasn’t rotten and withered on the inside, crumbling into nothingness. He wasn’t sure he recognized the boy his brother was talking about. Jeongin had never been good. 

He was a sinner at heart.

Chapter Text

It was late once Jeongin made his way up the stairs of his apartment building. His mother had dragged her feet letting him out the door, still trying to get a promise out of Jeongin about him moving back. He hadn’t given one, but it had been close.

The train ride home had been silent as well, the three hours with the speed train feeling like an eternity as Jeongin just watched South Korea zapp past him outside. His father had only given his phone back at the very last moment, the device dead to the world, and it was only then that Jeongin realized he had forgotten his charger, making it impossible for him to come in contact with his friends before he made it back home.

He had worried the whole trip home about talking to his friends, stressing about them being worried, and how he would explain why he hadn’t called them at all after walking out on them a couple of days ago. He was so anxious he couldn’t relax at all. 

The moment he had finally stepped off the bus, his own home rising up in front of him at the end of the street, Jeongin had felt a little like crying.

Jeongin’s feet felt heavy as he made his way to the door, punching in the familiar code without really seeing anything. He wasn’t sure what he expected when he pushed the door open, but dark silence wasn’t it.

He breathed in, the scent of him and Felix mingling into a comfortable smell that screamed home; The smell of their detergent, Felix’s cologne, and the scent of green emitting from their shared plants. Jeongin could feel the tension ebb out of him as he finally got a calm moment for the first time in three days.

Jeongin toed off his shoes, making his way through the door, holding both his bag and the food his mother had forced him to take back with him - tubs of bland kimchi and under-salted banchans. Things he knew he and Felix would devour with more extra seasoning than Jeongin’s mom would ever have allowed. 

Jeongin stepped into the living room and looked around, something serene finally settling in his stomach at the sight of his sweater draped over the couch, and Felix’s socks scattered over the floor. This was his home. His and Felix’s. This was where Jeongin should be, not in Busan.

With a sigh, Jeongin dropped his bag on the floor, and took the food into the kitchen to put it away. He looked at the clock, frowning as he saw it was past eleven. He looked at the closed door to Felix’s room, wondering if his roommate was spending the night with Changbin. 

Not that Jeongin could fault him. As far as Felix knew, Jeongin was still mad. None of them had even known he was going to Busan in the first place, so expecting a whole welcome home party was perhaps a little much, but he had hoped Felix had been home so they could resolve this quarrel as quickly as possible.

Jeongin walked around a bit, throwing his clothing in the hamper to wash later, watered his plants, and puffed the pillows back up. He looked at the front door where Felix’s shoes were still missing and finally made his way to his room.

The crucifix above his bed mocked him silently as he dumped himself on his bed, mindlessly plugging his phone into the charger. Leaning back, Jeongin closed his eyes as he relaxed into his pillows and breathed deeply trying to think about what he should tell Felix once he came home

On the table, Jeongin’s phone came back alive, but he had already fallen asleep.

oOo

Jeongin blinked his eyes open, confused for a minute as he felt his jeans dig into his skin. He looked around his bedroom as he was bathed in bright autumn sunshine. It took a moment more before he jumped from the bed, eyes on his phone that was now fully charged. 

His eyes widened further when he saw the time, not even sparing the messages on his lock screen a thought.

“Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!” 

He sprang up, tearing his clothing from the day before off before throwing on something new. He had forgotten to set his alarm and was now very, very late for class. If he hurried, though, he might still make it to his physics class just in time.

Jeongin ran into the bathroom, trying to accomplish a minor miracle by doing everything all at once, not even bothering with his hair as he pulled on a pair of mismatched socks - One of which he was pretty sure belonged to Felix. 

Jeongin took his phone, not sparing it a glance before he stormed out the door, barely managing to grab his bag and cram a cap down over his messy hair. 

When he eventually slid into his seat next to Yedam it was with a slight wheeze from running and a stomach that was ready to eat itself from hunger. Yedam smiled at him, weakly at first and then a little brighter when he took in Jeongin’s appearance.

“Late night?” He asked, eyes skirting to where the professor was still arguing with the projector. 

“Overslept,” Jeongin sighed, moving the cap on his head a little awkwardly. “Forgot to set my alarm when I got home last night,” he added with a thin smile, rummaging through his bag to find a pen. 

“Here,” Yedam suddenly said, poking Jeongin’s side with a pen. “Take mine. I write notes on my computer anyway,” he added with a smile that was still a little too tight to be natural. 

“Thanks,” Jeongin smiled, relaxing his shoulders. 

“No worries,” Yedam said, eyes returning to the front of the class where another student was now helping the professor plug in the projector. At least Jeongin had chosen the right day to be almost late. “Also,” Yedam added a little hesitantly, “I like the hoodie. You look good out of your usual polo.”

Jeongin looked down, only then realizing he was wearing a hoodie he had stolen from Chan. It was about two sizes too big given the other man had shoulders going for miles, but Jeongin had loved snuggling up in it so much Chan had given it to him. The jeans were Jisung’s, some ripped ones he had wanted to throw out because they were too big, that Jeongin had stolen regardless of the fact that he knew he would never dare to actually wear them outside the apartment. 

All of it were things Jeongin wore… at home. 

“Thanks,” Jeongin replied, cheeks getting a little warm. To believe he had been so busy he hadn’t even thought about what he was wearing. 

He looked at Yedam out of the corner of his eyes, a strange feeling filling his chest. Jeongin had always tried to hide who he was, or rather what he was, and in the end, it hadn't changed anything. Everyone knew anyway and everyone hated that part of him. So why did Jeongin even try to be someone else? 

Of course, Jeongin couldn’t be with anyone, he couldn’t take Yedam up on his offer of a date, but perhaps Jeongin could start to do things for himself. Make more friends outside his group, and wear clothing he wasn’t allowed to at home.

If Jeongin only had another half year before he was going back to Busan for good, why didn’t he just enjoy it? His whole family seemed to think he was swimming on the edge of depravity anyway, so would it be so bad to just do something he wanted for a change?

Could exploring really be that sinful?

“And, eh,” Jeongin said, eyes on the professor who was close to getting ready. “That cup of coffee… I would like to take you up on that, as a friend perhaps?”

Yedam’s smile was blinding and for once Jeongin felt like he had done something right, something good.

“Sure,” Yedam said. “I’d love to.” 

oOo

Jeongin was in a good mood as he made his way toward the cafe. His stomach was growling loudly since he still hadn’t gotten anything to eat. He was fairly certain that if he went longer without food he would faint. He tugged at his cap, pulled his phone out of his pocket, and typed in the code finally allowing his phone to resurrect properly.

Jeongin came to a surprised stop a few yards from the cafe, eyebrows going up at the number of missed calls and texts. His heart sank as he slowly read over a few of them. There were some angry ones from Seungmin, some more diplomatic ones from Minho, and a few furious ones from Changbin that brought tears to Jeongin’s eyes. 

He scrolled further down, seeing Jisung telling him he needed to call and to ‘get his head out his ass and talk to Felix’ and even Hyunjin had texted him, calling him an asshole. 

It was when he looked in the group chat that Jeongin’s heart fell to the bottom of his stomach. Changbin had kicked him out several times, Jisung and Minho adding him back until Chan had told all of them to stop.

After that, it was silent… 

The missed calls list was long, stretching well into Sunday afternoon, but it was mainly Minho trying to get to him, Chan seemingly having given up Saturday afternoon. 

There was not a single text or call from Felix. 

“Hey, fucker!” 

Jeongin looked up at the yell, eyes a little blurry from tears, and saw Hyunjin stride towards him. Jeongin’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of him as usual, and the nervous flutter in his stomach only got worse as Hyunjin walked directly up to him, stepping directly into Jeongin’s personal space. 

“Hyunjin, I…” Jeongin tried to say before he was abruptly cut off by Hyunjin as he roughly grabbed the back of his head, fingers tugging at the loose strands at his nape painfully, threatening to knock the cap off his head. Hyunjin forcefully tilted Jeongin’s head to the side before crashing their lips together in a bruising kiss.

Jeongin’s brain stopped working.

Hyunjin’s lips were warm, soft, and slippery with vanilla lip balm. He was firm, robbing Jeongin of his breath and fight as he deepened the kiss, forcing Jeongin’s lips apart and dived in. Hyunjin tasted of coffee and of the sugar he had likely added to combat the bitterness. He smelled of citrus and peaches as well as the light scent of his cologne. He filled up Jeongin’s senses, completely and utterly, muting everything around them, forcing the world to a halt. 

Jeongin could do nothing but capitulate as he followed Hyunjin’s bruising command, unable to do anything at all as his brain was fried with the sheer overload of input. 

Hyunjin was kissing him.

A man was kissing him. 

His heart was beating so fast that Jeongin was afraid it might stop. His soul was singing with how right it was to have Hyunjin this close. After so many years of dreaming, of yearning, and condemning himself, Jeongin finally knew how it felt to be kissed by Hyunjin, how he tasted, how he moved, and the feeling of his tongue against his own. It was perfect the way Hyunjin’s lean body was pressed against Jeongin, so warm Jeongin felt like he would never be cold again.

It was his first kiss, and somehow it was with the one person he loved.

It was perfect. 

Hyunjin pulled away, allowing Jeongin to get a breath of fresh air, the cool air almost burning his bright red cheeks as Jeongin looked up. He had never seen Hyunjin this close, never really seen just how sharp his cheekbones were, the regal slip of his nose, and the beautiful shape of his eyes. 

Hyunjin was the most perfect person Jeongin had ever laid eyes on. 

Hyunjin’s eyes were huge this close, a deep brown Jeongin had never seen anywhere else. And there, just under his eyes was a little mark of beauty, like a drop of ink to perfect the masterpiece.

Hyunjin glared at Jeongin, eyes hard and face set in anger. 

Jeongin blinked, confused. If Hyunjin had just kissed him, why would he be angry?

“Now you’re a sinner, too,” Hyunjin seethed, so close his words could almost be mistaken as a caress. “Go burn in hell with the rest of us, asshole.” 

The hands that had just held him close came up to rest on Jeongin’s shoulders, suddenly pushing him away harshly. Jeongin had somehow come to hold onto Hyunjin’s sides and was abruptly torn free, stumbling back. 

Jeongin’s cap had fallen to the ground and the wind tugged at his hair, blowing it into his face as he stared at the man he loved. 

The man who hated him. 

Hyunjin looked at him with a sneer before turning away. 

Jeongin’s chest hurt as he took in what had happened. His first kiss hadn’t been one of love, but of revenge. Because Hyunjin hated him. Despised him. 

“Fucking homophobe,” Hyunjin threw over his shoulders and Jeongin felt a little like throwing up. 

It only got worse when he caught Seungmin’s eyes. He was staring at Jeongin with a tight look, anger clear in his eyes. 

In the end, he turned on his heel, following Hyunjin and leaving Jeongin alone. 

Tears began to fall down Jeongin’s face as he realized what had happened. They all decided he was a homophobe, no longer welcome. He looked at his phone, the endless missed calls suddenly making sense. 

They hated him. 

Hated him for being exactly like his parents wanted him to be. Hated him without giving him a chance to explain or defend himself.

With tears blurring his vision, Jeongin reopened the group chat. He looked at it, and thought of all the words he could say, all the explanations he could give. 

But would they matter? If they already had made up their mind, wouldn’t all he said not just sound like weak apologies?

I’m sorry, he typed hurriedly, pressing send before he could change his mind. With a repressed sob, he left the chat and closed the app. 

Perhaps it was better. Perhaps this was what God wanted. Perhaps this was his punishment for being born a wicked sinner. His punishment for thinking he could ever be allowed to change.

Perhaps it was his retribution for always dreaming of kissing Hyunjin. 

Now he had, and Jeongin would wish he hadn’t. 

It had been the best moment of his life. 

Soon followed by the worst.

oOo

God.

Why have you forsaken me?

oOo

Jeongin wandered. 

His tears had long since dried, and he had ended up pressing his cap further down his face, hiding his puffy eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. 

He didn’t know for how long or where he went, but he suddenly came to a stop.

In front of him, the familiar facade of his church rose up high above him, the sun bathing it in golden light from where it broke through the dark clouds hanging low in the sky. 

He didn’t know why he went in.

No, that was a lie. Jeongin knew. Jeongin went in because he wanted comfort. He craved it. And the house of God was the only place he knew he would definitely find it. But as he walked in, crossing his chest with holy water he felt empty. 

He made his way to the pews and sat down, thumb on his rosary ring and ready to pray… but his mind was vacant.  

The warmth he always felt in his chest was gone. He was so cold, so cold not even God’s grace could reach him. 

He stared at his hands. 

He played the kiss over and over again, feeling more and more like an idiot for not realizing that Hyunjin wanted him to sin. To get a taste of what Jeongin was seemingly condemning Felix of doing.

If only Hyunjin knew how alike Jeongin and Felix really were; How sinful Jeongin was to his core, how Jeongin, too, was born with the desire to do wrong; How Jeongin had dreamed of kisses like that for years, keeping him awake at night as his body burned with untouched desire. 

Jeongin’s lips burned, prickling with shame. 

He liked the kiss. It felt right. Better than any peck on the cheek, or lovable hug he had ever received. Jeongin had felt perfect, finally like a piece that belonged as Hyunjin had held him in his arms. Complete and right. 

But it was a game. A trick to make Jeongin feel sick. And it worked. Just not how Hyunjin obviously wanted it to. 

Jeongin closed his eyes, trying so desperately to find God’s love, but he came up empty-handed. He got up from the pews and went to the candles. He lit one and while staring up at Mother Mary, he wondered idly how she gave up her whole life to God, to carry his son and to bury him again. All that pain for the promise of God’s grace in the end. 

To Jeongin, the promises of eternal life were sounding more and more hollow, because how could purgatory be worse than this, how could hell be worse than locking part of yourself away forever?

How could any punishment be greater than living the life Jeongin had been gifted? 

There wasn’t a single person left for Jeongin to disappoint. His parents were disappointed in him for his flaws, faults, and sexual orientation. His friends were disappointed in him because they thought he was condemning Felix and Changbin. Jeongin was disappointed in himself for ruining every good thing he had ever had.

He went to the confessional, keeping a good distance from the other people in line. It was quick, too quick perhaps, before Jeongin slipped inside, the small door opening so the father could hear him. He signed the cross across his chest, getting to his knees as he had always been taught. 

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” Jeongin started, words falling from his lips from too much practice. “It has been two days since my last confession.”

Jeongin breathed in deeply, searching for the right words. 

“I have…” he stopped, words stuck in his throat. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to confess the kiss as a sin. It hadn’t felt like a sin. It hadn’t felt wrong.

It had felt so divinely right. 

Hyunjin’s kiss felt like a revelation… no, not felt, it had been a revelation. 

Jeongin had hurt others because of his actions, understood or misunderstood, all because he kept the true him hidden away. He understood Felix, but Felix didn’t know that. He had always believed they had been the same… But Felix had not known that. Everything that had always been so clear to Jeongin had been a secret to Felix.

And now their friendship was broken.

“I have disrespected my parents,” Jeongin said instead, that indeed feeling like a sin. Because he had lied. Lied about moving back, lied about not wanting to sin. “I have lied,” he added, not elaborating further, even as the priest next to him tried to make him admit the graveness of his sin. 

“As you will not tell me what you lied about, I will assume it carries malice. Pray Our Father twenty times, and twenty Hail Marys as penance. Please be mindful of the word of God, and do not lie again. Respect your parents, and be mindful of the small sins,” he said, voice emotionless. Jeongin didn’t say anything more. After the act of contrition the priest muttered the prayer of absolution; “... I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

Jeongin crossed his chest again, the normal relief of being absolved for his sin no longer there. Instead, he just felt empty.

“Give thanks to the Lord for he is good,” the priest said in lieu of goodbye.

“For his mercy will endure forever,” Jeongin said, voice weak. His chest was tight, the calm and sensation of belonging he usually found in church gone. He left the confessional, went right back to the pews and finished all forty prayers in one sitting. His ring twisted on his finger with every completed prayer, around and around it went, endlessly trying to absolve him of sins so deeply ingrained in him, he didn’t even know where he started and where sin ended.

His stomach was churning with hunger and nausea, but Jeongin kept praying, kept whispering the familiar words under his breath, ring twisting on his finger perpetually, searching for salvation with every word.

He didn’t find it. 

Chapter Text

It had been a week. 

A week of isolation, of loneliness, but to Jeongin it might as well have been an eternity. 

He woke up in the morning - earlier than usual - to avoid Felix who had seemingly finally returned home. He showered quietly, dressed in a hurry, and took his things, hiding out in the library until he had to go to class.

In the evening, he found something to eat - if he was even hungry, which he honestly wasn’t most of the time - and then he would hide out in the library till the last bus. When it was past midnight he would sneak back in, and sleep for a few hours before the day repeated itself. 

Whenever he found himself without something to do, he would pull out his phone and skim through the texts the others had sent him while he was gone.  Most of the time he would close his phone with a choked sob. At least, Jisung and Minho didn’t seem to hate him. Both of them were still convinced that Jeongin could salvage some of this.

Jeongin didn’t dare believe them.

He went to Bible study on Friday, and listened to Hangyeol prattle about the holy book, letting the words drift through his head, not even bothering to find them annoying. After that, he walked Seojin to the bus, smiling and fending off her worries about his gaunt appearance. 

He spent the night in his room with a pile of novels he had gotten from the library, ignoring the calls he got from Jisung and Minho. They were together with the rest of the group, enjoying each other’s company at a movie night at Minho’s, with some of Jeongin’s favorites on the menu - or so Minho had texted him earlier in the week probably in an attempt to lure him out of hiding. 

Minho had added him back into the group chat, and while Jeongin tried to leave it repeatedly he didn’t have the heart to actually block any of them. So he just left it as it was. He tried not to read what happened, though it wasn’t hard; Only Minho and Jisung seemed somewhat determined to keep writing in there, the others clearly finding other ways to reply.

Jeongin only read the chat late at night, tears in his eyes as his whole body ached in the darkness. He missed them, missed them more than he had ever missed his home in Busan. 

The silence in the apartment was suffocating.

Silent. 

So fucking silent. 

On Sunday, he went to mass. 

He got up as early as he could and sat in the pews looking up at Christ for so long, hoping to get some kind of epiphany. 

All he got was a headache. 

He didn’t confess, and he didn’t receive the Eucharist. He barely sang along to the hymns, even the act of singing having lost its joy.

After, he walked for hours, just letting the streets blur as he walked, not seeing where he was going at all. He ended up spending most of the night at a café, nursing a cup of coffee until it was cold, and the staff began to send him odd looks. 

When he came home, Felix was gone. His door had been left ajar, but his room was covered in darkness. 

And so, somehow, Jeongin made it to Tuesday without ever talking with his friends, or seeing a single one of them. A week after the kiss, a week and a half after he found out his best friend had withheld a whole relationship from him, and about as long since Jeongin had felt anything close to happiness. 

oOo

Jeongin sighed as he made his way up the stairs, his hoodie still dripping coffee. He had stopped going to the café on the arts campus, and had instead begun to get his daily - and very much needed - caffeine fix from the café closest to the science department, which he regretted in more ways than one. 

First, their coffee was shit. 

Second, somehow they had the most clumsy people employed and Jeongin had been lucky enough to be drenched in scalding coffee, his hoodie completely soaked with the dark liquid. 

There was no way Jeongin could spend the rest of the day walking around with coffee all over himself, and thus he was forced to use his break between lectures to go home and change.

It wasn’t like Jeongin was going to eat anyways since his appetite was practically gone, but it still annoyed him. He had planned to go to the library, and kill a few hours before his late lecture at 3 p.m. Hours, he would have usually spent with Jisung, except now he couldn’t. At least he knew Felix wouldn’t be home as his lectures filled up most Wednesdays, giving him barely enough time to eat lunch on a normal day. 

Today was anything but normal.

Jeongin was surprised as he locked himself into the apartment, only to suddenly stare into Felix’s eyes as he sat on the couch with a monster of a book open in front of him. Jeongin blinked, his shock mirrored in the other man’s eyes as they widened almost comically.

“My lecture. It was canceled,” Felix explained in a weak voice, hands nervously twisting as he looked from Jeongin, down at his book and up again.

Jeongin didn’t say anything. He physically couldn’t. Instead, he nodded and walked past Felix into his room. He dropped the hoodie in a pile in the corner knowing he would regret not washing it right away, but he couldn’t stay. The silent presence of Felix was too much.

Jeongin felt like crying.

With a deep breath, he pulled a new hoodie over his head, ignoring his neat pile of perfectly folded polo shirts just as he had for the last week. He checked he had everything and made a beeline directly for the door. He was in such a rush to get his shoes back on he almost fell over.

The tension in the apartment was too much.

He placed his foot down, staring unseeingly at his laces. He could hear Felix move around nervously in the other room, just the quiet sounds of paper being moved and a deep sigh escaping the other man. 

Jeongin closed his eyes, feeling the tears press again.

“I don’t hate you,” Jeongin suddenly said, voice hoarse from having only been used for speaking when necessary. “I could never hate you, Felix… I’m not mad at you for dating Changbin,” he breathed out, voice shaking. 

The living room was deadly quiet.

“You couldn’t really have done a lot better than him really, and… I’m mad you didn’t tell me, I was hurt. I had to find out like that when everyone knew already,” Jeongin forced out of his frozen lungs, his hands beginning to shake. “I don’t care who you’re with, what you do, or whatever the fuck any book says about it either. I just hate that you didn’t even want to tell me. That, you, of all people, would think so little of me. It hurts because I never ever felt like I have in any way said or done anything to justify what you did.” That was a lie, Jeongin realized.

All those speeches and monologues about sin and how acting upon temptation would only result in eternal damnation had all been witnessed by Felix. Felix had always suffered on the sidelines of Jeongin’s self-hatred. 

But those words had never been meant for Felix. They had all been for Jeongin. For his own weak heart and his crumbling faith.

Jeongin breathed in again, nails digging into the palms of his hands.

“If it had been me, I would have told you, Felix,” he said truthfully, words feeling too big and too loud for the silent apartment. Jeongin barely let his words settle before he tore the door open, fleeing as fast as he could. 

Behind him, he could hear his name being called, but he was a coward. Another one of his endless sins. He sped up his steps and was almost at the stairs when he heard their apartment door being torn open.

“JEONGIN, WAIT!” Felix yelled, voice frantic but Jeongin didn’t stop. He just rushed down the stairs and onto the street. He didn’t stop until he was almost at the university, his breath ragged and broken. 

 When he cried, he wiped the tears away like they had never existed. 

oOo

Jeongin’s head hurt when he made his way toward the library. After having run away from Felix, he had decided to take the long way there, needing some time to cool off and some fresh air. Though it was a decision he was beginning to regret as he was getting cold.

Only Jeongin would be lucky enough to have the worst week of his life and then end up getting a cold directly on top of a crisis of faith. Or identity. Or whatever the fuck this was becoming. 

Jeongin was thinking to himself that it soon couldn’t get worse than it was right now when he looked up, catching Chan sitting at a bench not too far from the library. Seungmin was sitting right next to him, refusing to look up. 

Fuck.

“Jeongin,” Chan said as he got up and shortened the distance between them. The look in his eyes told Jeongin that he was done escaping. “We need to talk.”

“What?” Jeongin asked, eyes flickering to Seungmin who seemingly still found the tips of his shoes awfully interesting. “I thought you all already made up your minds about me being an asshole,” he added, not quite able to stop the words coming out. He didn’t even get any satisfaction from seeing Seungmin flinch at the words.

“That’s not fair, Jeongin,” Chan said and Jeongin had to hold back a curse as he looked at Seungmin again. So it wasn’t everyone who had been told about what Hyunjin had done then. “I just want to talk, and since you refused to take any of my calls, or reply to any of my messages, then I had to do it like this. I don’t like to ambush people,” he said in that cursed calm voice of his.

“Well, it doesn’t change anything, does it?” Jeongin said, voice rough as he pulled the sleeves of his oversized hoodie over his hand so Chan couldn’t see them shake. “I mean, already before this mess with Felix and Changbin you didn’t want to include me, so…” Jeongin trailed off, not quite having the power to be as mean as he wanted.

In reality, he just wanted a hug.

“That’s not fair either, Jeongin,” Chan sighed, walking a little closer. Seungmin remained quiet. “We knew Hyunjin made you uncomfortable, and we agreed to let you sort it out on your own. It’s on you that you didn’t, and that’s fine. But this is too much,” he said, so close Jeongin had to look down. 

If God was present, the only humane thing to do was to let Jeongin disappear into a hole in the ground. It was cruel to let him have to go through this.

“Do you even know how upset you made, Felix? He cried the whole night thinking you hated him and then you were just gone the next morning. No text, no word?” Chan said with a sigh. “Do you even know how much you upset Changbin?”

“I got Changbin’s texts so yeah, I know,” Jeongin said humorlessly. “And I meant to tell you I was going to Busan, I just…”

“I don’t want to hear excuses, Jeongin, I want you to realize that just because your religion dictates that what Felix and Changbin has is wrong, you don’t get to be an asshole about it. You don’t get to tell them to stop being together, and you don’t get to be homophobic about it either,” Chan vented, voice so disappointed it physically hurt Jeongin.

He couldn’t help but flinch, the memory of pain always following a tone like that. At least, when it was his father who spoke to that tone. 

“Of course,” Jeongin said, laughing. It was a cruel sound, tired and angry. “This is about being a homophobe. Because that’s the only reason I could get mad, right?” He asked, finally looking up and meeting Chan’s hard stare. “Because I couldn’t possibly be hurt about my best friend lying to me, hiding he had a boyfriend, or, if you really want to bring Changbin into it, how one of my closest confidants I tell everything, couldn’t be fucking bothered to tell me he was hooking up with my best fucking friend!” Jeongin yelled, the curse almost tearing his throat as he yelled.

At least it made Seungmin look up.

“I’m not making any excuses either. I went home to Busan and spent days trapped in a house that hates me, thinking about how I could let you know I wasn’t mad, but I couldn't!” Jeongin’s throat was beginning to hurt, his chest aching with heartbreak. “Because they fucking took my phone the moment I stepped through the door and kept it from me. Kept me from you! And then I come home to nothing but threats and hatred from the people I have spent hours defending, and proving that you’re not corrupting me!”

He hurt so deeply that it felt like his soul was getting torn apart.

“And have you thought about it being Hyunjin who didn’t want me around? Have you, Chan?” Jeongin asked, anger burning through his veins and setting him aflame. He didn’t want to say any of it, but he couldn’t stop. The words just rushed out of him like a river overflowing. “He was dead. I was told to my face he was dead. I mourned him, I missed him, and suddenly he’s here, telling me his family kicked him out for being gay. I care too much about him to make him remember his shitty family every time he sees me, so I stay away. I let him ignore me, and I allow you all to be his best friend while I sit at home on my own, because I understand, Chan.”

Jeongin breathed hard, tears beginning to fill his eyes.

“I understand Hyunjin needs you more than me, and that was fine. But I will not be lied to. I will not be kept in the dark when two of my best friends are together, and I will not have all my friends keep me in the dark because you all think I’m a fucking homophobe,” Jeongin closed his eyes trying to reel in this temper. He hated yelling, hated being angry. 

It felt dirty and sinful to let his emotions run wild.

“But what else are we supposed to believe when you just storm out like this?” Chan fired back, frowning as he looked at Jeongin, crossing his arms. “Don’t you understand why Felix had a hard time telling you? You say it’s a sin, you kept telling him it was. Don’t tell me you don’t understand why he did what he did.”

Jeongin couldn’t stop the laughter from bubbling out of his chest. It came out as a mockery of a genuine grin, and Jeongin honestly wasn’t sure if he was laughing or crying.

“That's the thing, Chan,” he said, breathing hard and looking up. He met the eyes of his friend, tears making the older man slightly blurry as he locked him in a fiery gaze. “I understand Felix perfectly. And that’s why I’m mad because I’m just like him.”

“Jeongin, what are you saying?” Chan said with a confused frown. “I get it, you’re both religious, that’s kinda how you bonded-”

“No, Chan,” Jeongin interrupted, shaking his head. “I’m just like him. I’m exactly like Felix… and that is why I would have understood.” He looked at his friend pleadingly, watching as Chan tilted his head still not quite grasping what Jeongin was trying to tell him. 

His eyes strayed to Seungmin who was looking at Jeongin with big eyes.

“Yeah,” Jeongin nodded with a bitter smile at Seungmin. “Hyunjin didn’t need to make me a sinner. I already am.” 

He took the moment of stunned silence as his escape opportunity and left.

The sadness he felt while he walked away was almost comparable to that of Jesus on the cross, abandoned by all. 

Even God. 

oOo

Jeongin barely managed to hold back his tears, but somehow he found himself in a quiet corner of campus before the walls, keeping his sorrow at bay, crumbled. Jeongin felt like he couldn’t breathe, the air burning in his lungs as he desperately clawed at his chest, his head swimming with emotions he didn’t know how to contain. Piteous sobs tore painfully through him, as he cried himself empty.

Around him, the world had grown muffled and cold like the autumn wind that was tugging at his clothing and skin, until suddenly it wasn’t.

A familiar embrace held him close.

“Shh, easy,” Jisung’s calm voice sounded in Jeongin’s ears. The easily recognizable smell of Jisung’s flowery detergent and graphite pencils enveloped Jeongin completely, almost unwillingly calming his panic. “Breathe, Innie. Just breathe,”

“I'm sorry,” Jeongin gasped, words almost intangible under the sobs. “You all hate me,” he forced out, all reason leaving him as he just threw himself into Jisung’s arms, burying his head into his friend’s neck. 

“Shh, I don’t hate you,” Jisung sighed, his arms wrapping fully around Jeongin, holding him close. Jeongin could only press closer, so starved for touch it hurt physically. “I’m confused and hurt, that’s all. You stormed out, super angry. At Felix! You’re never angry at Felix, and then we don’t hear from you for days,” he added with a sigh, his hand rubbing Jeongin’s back in comforting circles. "I tried to search for you, but you've been avoiding all of your usual hideouts, and you haven't been responding to any of Minho's invites." Jisung said, hugging Jeongin even closer to his chest.

“Shit, Innie, I was terrified something happened to you. Your God knows your parents wouldn’t tell us if something had happened,” Jisung said, putting his head on top of Jeongin’s, wrapping around him like a climbing plant. “Remember when Chan called them once during summer break, and your mom almost had an aneurysm because a stranger wanted to talk to her son.”

“I was in Busan. My phone… They took it,” Jeongin sobbed, holding on for dear life. He wasn’t sure when he would be held like this again, so he pressed himself closer to Jisung, certain that the other would throw him away any minute. “I couldn’t…” 

Today was too much. The last week had been too much. Jeongin had nothing left. 

“You went home? Ah, wait, Chuseok, fuck, yeah, that happened. Your parents took your phone?” Jisung tried to decipher, a frustrated sigh going through him when Jeongin nodded in confirmation. “Well, shit, no wonder you were fucking silent. Fucking hell,” Jisung breathed, holding Jeongin closer and allowing him to just cry while he was held.

Jeongin wasn’t sure how long they sat there, but he was pretty sure Jisung had missed his lecture and that Jeongin was close to missing his own.

“You’re missing your lecture,” Jeongin muttered, breathing deeply as he pushed away from Jisung reluctantly, trying to wipe off his tears. He had left a big wet spot on Jisung’s shoulder and he couldn’t help but get snot smeared into his hoodie sleeves as tried to wipe the tears away from his face.

“Fuck lectures,” Jisung declared, pulling out a wad of tissues from the bag he had dropped on the bench next to him and shoving them in Jeongin’s face. “And don’t look at me like that. You know I skip lectures all the time,” Jisung huffed and he kept on pulling tissue after tissue out of his back. “The tissues are for Binnie’s hay fever, by the way. Idiot keeps forgetting to bring his own.”

Jeongin couldn’t hold back a small smile as he tried to blow his nose, giving Jisung another questioning look when the other kept on making tissues appear out of his bag. How did he even manage to have so many packages hidden down there?

“Stop looking at me like that!” Jisung whined. “I’m not going around waiting for people to break into tears or something, Innie,” He threw his arms around dramatically making the free tissues fly off with the momentum. Jisung squeaked as he threw himself after the fleeing papers.

“Fuck, no, come back here,” he yelled, throwing himself after the little paper squares with grandiose gestures. Jeongin couldn’t help but let out a half-choked laugh. 

“Now, that’s more like it,” Jisung said, throwing away the tissues in the nearby trashcan before walking over again. “You’re prettier when you smile, Innie,” he added with a smile of his own. Jeongin couldn’t hold back an eye roll. “And up we go,” Jisung said, reaching out and pulling Jeongin up from the bench. 

Jeongin couldn't help but look down at himself, knowing he was disgusting.

“Sorry,” he muttered, trying to hide his snot-covered sleeves. “I didn’t…” he trailed off, sighing deeply, not knowing how to continue.

“Mean to find the most deserted place to have a mental breakdown because it’s been a bitch week for all of us?” Jisung asked with a quirked eyebrow, looking thoroughly unimpressed. “Well, sucks to be you, because sometimes you just have to. Now, come on, we’ll get you some fresh clothing, and a shower and you’ll feel a lot more human in no time.”

“I can’t go home,” Jeongin said, his heels digging in as Jisung tried to drag him away. “I can’t… Felix,” he breathed, tears beginning to fill his eyes again. The thought of going home and either finding the place empty or with an angry Felix was just too much. 

“Fine,” Jisung said, though his eyes got a little somber. “Good thing we have other places to go.”

Chapter Text

Somehow Jeongin really should have expected Jisung to drag him with him to Minho’s place, but even when Jeongin kicked and protested the whole way up the stairs, Jisung didn’t let go of his hand.

“Sorry, Innie, you had your chance to fix this mess. None of you losers bucked the fuck up, so now I have to do it for you,” Jisung said with a grin, dragging Jeongin in front of Minho’s door. “Besides, I can’t take you to my dorm. You met the jock loser I’m rooming with, dude would’ve just farted at you,” he added with an eye roll.

Jeongin had to silently agree, given the one time he met Jisung's roommate he had indeed farted at him. It really wasn’t a mystery why Jisung slept over at everyone’s places all the time.

“But he’ll be mad,” Jeongin muttered, the many unanswered calls resting heavily on his conscience. 

“Yeah, but only because you’ve made it impossible to get a hold of you for a week, so we might as well get it over with now that I’ve captured you,” Jisung replied, punching in the code to Minho’s apartment. “YO, HONEY, I'M HOME, YOU BETTER BE FUCKING DECENT!” He yelled as loud as he could, kicking his shoes off, and dragged Jeongin into the living room, barely giving the younger man a second to kick off his own shoes.

“Chan is the one with an issue about being dressed,” Minho said pointedly, not looking up from the novel he was reading. “When have you ever walked in on me looking anything other than my absolute bes- INNIE!” Minho slammed his book closed, sprung up from the couch and jumped over the backrest.

“What happened?” Minho asked, eyes wide as he rushed closer, taking Jeongin’s face into his hands and stopping Jeongin from hiding. “Have you been crying?” He added, looking half concerned and half ready to murder someone.

“Found him at my secret spot on campus freaking out,” Jisung offered when Jeongin remained silent. “He didn’t want to go home so I brought him here,” he said, putting down both his and Jeongin’s bags that he had been carrying. “Also, it turns out the reason he disappeared without a trace was because he was home in Busan for Chuseok. His dad took his phone,” Jisung muttered, pulling off his hoodie and placing it on a chair. 

“I was going to tell you,” Jeongin finally managed to force out, blinking as he looked down at Minho. His hands were so warm, almost burning against Jeongin’s skin. “But then…”

“Everything went to shit,” Jisung added helpfully, dropping down on Minho’s couch as he pulled out his phone. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin surrendered, shoulder falling. He blinked again, remembering Chan’s words. “I'm not a homophobe,” he said in a weak voice, trying to break free of Minho’s hold but the older man wouldn't let him.

“I admit, I had my doubts but I trusted you enough not to be one. I don’t think you’re against Changbin and Felix. And I hope I’m right.”

“You are. I just… I don’t like being lied to,” Jeongin muttered, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look like Minho anymore. “I also don’t hate Hyunjin,” Jeongin added quietly. 

“No, I assume you’re just weirded out by hanging out with someone you thought was dead for about three years,” Minho said dryly, hands sliding off Jeongin’s face before the young man found himself pulled into his friend's embrace. “And, I’m sorry,” Minho said, squeezing Jeongin close to his chest. 

“Why are you sorry?” Jeongin muttered, tears once again beginning to fill his eyes. It was just so nice. So nice to be held, to fit in. To be talked to like an equal.

Minho’s home was filled with old second-hand furniture, odd figurines he had stumbled over, and a dead houseplant that had been there as long as Jeongin could remember. There were pictures everywhere on the wall, of them, of Minho and his parents, of the cats he had back in Gimpo. 

His home just felt safe, lived in. Music was softly playing from his speakers and there was no Jesus looking judgmentally at Jeongin from everywhere. 

It was perfect.

“I’m sorry for keeping you in the dark,” Minho said, hand coming up to hold the back of Jeongin’s head. “I’m sorry that I didn’t try and stop you, and I’m sorry I never thought you might have gone home. If I’d just stolen Chan’s phone and called your mom this wouldn’t have become such a mess,” he added, a kiss being pressed into Jeongin’s temple. 

“You all just thought I was an asshole,” Jeongin cried, shoulders beginning to shake. He really wasn’t sure how he even had any water left in his body at this point. 

“Yeah,” Minho said unapologetically. “And that’s why we’re assholes.” 

oOo

Jeongin was wrapped up in a blanket, freshly showered, and wearing some of Minho’s clothing. He was blinking tiredly, but Minho had insisted he needed to eat before he went to sleep. He was on his third glass of water and his brain was finally starting to feel normal again. 

Jeongin wasn’t proud but he managed to cry through Minho’s sweater as well. Thankfully Minho hadn’t let him try to explain, just threw Jeongin in the shower with a command not to come out again before he was clean. 

“So, you wanna tell us what made you break down in tears twice?” Minho asked, pushing a bowl of kimchi fried rice into Jeongin’s hand. Two fried eggs gleamed back at him. Minho was usually very strict about only giving one per person, so Jeongin felt oddly touched. Minho sat down, handing Jisung a bowl before both of them took careful bites while they looked at Jeongin.

“Well, I kinda tried to talk to Felix,” Jeongin said, poking a little at his food. He hurriedly took a bite when he looked up to see Minho glare at him. He sighed in happiness as he tasted the food, it was so much better than at home with his parents. “Or, well, I kind of just told him I wasn’t mad he was dating Changbin, just furious that he had lied to me. And then I ran into Chan.”

Minho froze, eyes narrowing.

“Please tell me he didn’t try to scold you and talk to you about how you’d hurt Felix?” He asked, gripping his spoon so hard Jeongin was a little afraid it might bend. Jeongin could only nod, stuffing more rice in his face so he wouldn’t have to reply.

“I’m am going to murder than man. Meddling loser! I thought we promised each other not to intervene unless absolutely necessary. We had agreed to let you two talk it out first,” Minho hissed under his breath, reaching out to take his phone. He punched the screen a few times before putting it to his ear. The silence was deafening until Minho sneered, eyes narrowing. “Don’t you fuck dare send me to voice- Hey! Asshole, pick up your fucking phone you pathetic sap of a man. I don’t care if you’re fucking busy, when I call you, you fucking pick up. I know you talked with Jeongin! Don’t you fucking dare come crawling back to my apartment before you’re ready to say sorry!” He hung up with a sharp exhale. The phone bounced as he threw it on the seat next to him, seething in anger.

“Sent me to fucking voicemail, that coward. I told him not to talk to you without me. We agreed to wait until you and Felix had spoken since it concerned you two, and we didn’t want to make it worse by interfering,” Minho huffed, stuffing a big mouthful of rice in his face. “I thought we were all on the same page about talking it out as quickly as we could.”

“To his defense, he is always trying to do the right thing,” Jisung added, eyes flickering to Jeongin. “Though perhaps he shouldn’t have ambushed you, but then again none of us have been able to contact or find you for a whole week - quite impressive, by the way. Chan just gets weird when it’s about Felix, you know.” 

“Doesn’t make it better,” Minho said, chewing aggressively. “Where was all this when I told Felix and Changbin to get their heads out their ass? Hmm?” 

“Told you he’s soft on Felix,” Jisung mumbled around his spoon. “And Binnie is like a fucking donkey. Can’t get him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Kinda meant to blow up in everybody’s face from the beginning.”

“When did you find out?” Jeongin asked, carefully watching his rice as he popped an egg yolk, mixing it carefully with his rice.

“I walked in on them making out in the studio we rented back in June,” Jisung said wryly. “Fucking thankful they weren’t naked. To be fair, they’d been dancing around it for a while but only really got together after exam season. You have to ask Felix for the details, but I think it was that party at Bambam’s.”

Jeongin blinked, the hurt twisted in his stomach. He remembered that party since he had held Felix while he threw up the next morning. 

“I didn’t say anything because Felix said he wanted to tell you face to face when you came back from Busan after the summer break… and, well, then he was full of excuses. I let it slide because, fuck, can’t imagine it’s easy being religious and gay. And I suppose, I, too, was afraid of how you’d react,” Jisung said. Jeongin looked up, finding nothing but honestly in his friend's eyes.

“I could never hate Felix,” Jeongin said, returning to stare at his food. 

“No, but you might hate some of the choices he makes. And, to be fair, I only found out back when classes started up again, because Chan let his mouth run while he was here,” Minho said softly, his anger seemingly simmering out. “I told them to tell you, but yeah, you’ve seen Felix’s puppy eyes.”

“Being gay is a sin,” Jeongin said, eyes on his eggs. “But a good follower of Christ will not judge others. We should love others, just like we love ourselves. Christ allowed the sick and outcast to come to him, so should we.” 

“And you wouldn’t in any way be uncomfortable with your very Christian friend being with another man, even if the Bible specifically says he shouldn’t?” Jisung asked, words more curious than accusing. “Didn’t God like, smote a whole city because men were having sex there?” 

“Sodom was a den of depravity. It wasn’t just the sex that was an issue,” Jeongin said, remembering that damn story too well after how many times Father Kim had read it to him, trying to turn Jeongin onto the right path. “Besides, out of anyone I think I would have understood Felix the most,” he breathed under his breath.

It felt dirty, like admitting something he should not. A dirty secret.

“I’m gay,” he confessed, eyes on the second egg as he poked the yolk, watching it bleed into the leftover rice. 

Jisung had just taken a sip of his water when Jeongin spoke and he choked as he heard what Jeongin was saying, water spraying everywhere as he began to sputter. Minho dropped his spoon, the chime of it hitting his bowl echoing loudly in the apartment. 

“WHAT?!” Jisung yelled, voice rough as he kept coughing.

“I'm gay,” Jeongin repeated, the words a lot easier to say the second time. “I tried to hide it and all, but it turns out my older brother and mother already knows,” he said, stuffing more food in his mouth trying not to cry. 

He was tired of crying.

“Shit,” Jisung said, blinking as he finally began to breathe normally.

“So,” Minho said carefully, “When you say love between two men is a sin and you shouldn’t fulfill that desire… you’re speaking as much to yourself as to anyone else?” Minho asked, eyes getting dark as Jeongin nodded.

“Wait, that’s why your priest wants you to join the church?” Jisung asked, eyes getting wide. “Your calling is being gay?” He added disbelievingly. 

Again Jeongin could only nod, chewing on his food and looking away as his cheeks grew hot.

“Oh, fuck that,” Minho said, setting his bowl down and coming over to sit next to Jeongin. He pulled him into his arms, bowl and everything. “You could have told us,” he sighed, kissing the top of his head.

“I couldn’t,” Jeongin said, voice wobbly again. He hated crying. He never used to cry. Never. Even as a child he could always hold back his tears, so why was it suddenly so hard?

“It’s not a sin to be gay, but it is a sin to act on your desires. And it’s so hard. So hard not to be me,” Jeongin said. Minho’s heart was strong and firm under his ear. “It’s just easier not to be, you know. Easier not to notice how pretty some men are, to not talk about how my first crush was a man, to not talk about how I don’t fit in. If I’m not gay, I can’t sin by just existing,” he said, blinking away the tears. 

He was so tired. 

“There is nothing wrong in being you,” Minho breathed, kissing the top of Jeongin’s hair again. “I’m still going to slaughter Chan.”

“He knows,” Jeongin sighed, blinking slowly. Jisung looked at him with pity, getting up and taking Jeongin’s bowl before he could drop it, fitting his tiny self into the space on the other side of Jeongin and taking his hand. “I kinda accidentally said it when he accused me of not understanding Felix.” Jeongin allowed the warmth of his friends to seep into him, breathing deeply before he continued. It was such a relief not to be cold for once. 

“Seungmin knows as well,” Jeongin muttered, breathing in the familiar smell of Minho. “He was there with Chan.”

“Of course, he was,” Minho sighed, holding Jeongin a little tighter. “Jesus, and I assume your parents aren't too happy about you being gay,” Minho said, as Jisung leaned into Jeongin’s side.

“My mom wants me to move back to Busan,” Jeongin said in a tiny voice. “So you don’t have to put up with me for long. I don’t think I can stay longer than until Christmas. Once finals are over, I have to leave.”

“Oh, no you don’t,” Jisung said, pressing into Jeongin’s side. His breath was warm against his shoulder. “You’re ours now. Fuck that shit, you’re staying right here. If anyone complains, I’ll have Minho bark at them.”

“I’m not a guard dog, Jisung,” Minho protested, chest echoing his laughter. “But yeah, I don’t think you should go back. Honestly, I think you need some time to think and figure out what you want with your life. If that is following your faith and just be, then fine. But if you do want to try being out there and be yourself, then that’s fine as well.”

“But I can’t,” Jeongin said, the abyss in his chest creaking and expanding. “I can’t. I’m a giant disappointment already, everyone already hates me and I can’t…What about God, what if He hates me too. I-”

“Shh,” Jisung reached out to take Jeongin's hand. “Easy, God doesn’t hate you.”

Jisung said it so simply and it sounded like the truth.

Jeongin bit his lip, the words he wanted to say stuck in his throat.

“My mother wants me to marry someone. Have kids,” Jeongin confessed instead, the beating of Minho’s heart keeping his voice steady. “She thinks that will solve it all. My brother also knew about Hyunjin. About how he wasn’t dead. I was heartbroken when they told me he was dead, and my brother just looked me directly in the eyes and said it was for the best. That it was a good thing I couldn’t-” Jeongin stopped talking, biting his lips. 

“Wait, if your first crush was…” Jisung muttered, pushing away and looking down. Jeongin pressed his eyes closed, hating how he could feel Jisung put all the pieces together. “Fuck! It was Hyunjin!” 

Jeongin didn’t reply, he just closed his eyes. 

“Well, no wonder you acted weird,” Minho said, voice a little too strained to be as calm as he pretended to be. “And if I may say so, your brother is an uncaring idiot and your mom has lost her marbles.”

“I love them… I just don’t know if they can love me,” Jeongin sighed, opening his eyes. The tears were back.

“You have us now,” Jisung said, laying back down. “Fuck, what a mess.”

“You don’t say,” Minho said with a huff of humorous laughter. “Shit,” he cursed, relaxing into the couch cushions, Jeongin and Jisung following along until they were on top of him.  

“Jisung is right, though,” Minho said after a beat of silence. “You have us, but you just need to talk with Felix and sort all this mess out,” Minho was quiet for a beat, “And actually let him answer you. No more running away, young man.”

oOo

“You’re sure you’ll be fine the rest of the way home?” Jisung asked, clutching the strap of his bag as he looked at Jeongin with narrowed eyes. Jeongin rolled his eyes, but it was hard not to smile. 

He had ended up spending the night at Minho’s apartment. Jisung had slept on one side, Minho on the other and Jeongin hadn’t slept better in weeks. The feeling of his friends next to him, their warmth seeping into him and their breathing, a constant noise in his ears, had been like a much-needed calm to his wrung-out heart, and for the first time in almost two weeks, Jeongin had really, truly and fully slept.

Minho had to leave early for class, Jisung skipped another lecture to hang out with Jeongin, and the two of them had spent the morning just talking and enjoying the company of each other. It was odd, because Jeongin had always loved his friends, but now he finally realized they loved him back.

Jeongin hadn’t been as alone as he had thought he was.

They hadn’t talked more about his confession the day before, both of them seemingly understanding it was all a little too much for Jeongin. In the end, they just stayed on the couch talking about anything and everything and then they went to bed, Jeongin was beyond exhausted.  

Jeongin hadn’t missed how Minho’s phone kept flashing Chan’s face, but the older man hadn’t answered and Jisung in turn had been very busy texting someone. Someone Jeongin was pretty sure was Felix. 

Now Jeongin had gotten some sleep, he felt bad just running away, but he just hadn’t been ready to talk. Knowing he still had some friends left made everything a little easier. He could talk with Chan later, knowing the other man was very forgiving, and was probably already wallowing in regret, so maybe he could still salvage that relationship. Perhaps he might even be able to talk to Changbin again, though given the texts Jeongin still had saved on his phone he probably had to realize he and Changbin weren’t friends anymore. Seungmin would most likely forgive and forget if Jeongin and Felix fixed their relationship.

“I could come with you,” Jisung said, when Jeongin didn’t answer. “Walk you all the way home, drop you off at the door. Maybe sneak in through your window and be a silent supporter or something.”

Jeongin couldn’t stop the small smile on his face. 

“I live on the third floor, there’s no way you can get through my window,” he laughed, gently shoving at Jisung. It was weak and nothing close to how rough he would usually be, but Jeongin was still a little raw. A little twisted and not quite right. 

“Well, maybe I’m a really good climber and just haven’t told you,” he grinned, arms folding around Jeongin in a way Jeongin wouldn’t have allowed before. Now he didn’t stop himself, instead, he leaned into Jisung’s side, ignoring the odd looks they got as they made their way towards Jisung’s lecture hall. 

“You could barely get up from the floor yesterday, and now you’re trying to tell me you’re secretly Spider-Man?” Jeongin raised an eyebrow at Jisung.

“Hey, don’t yell it to the world, you’ll blow my cover,” Jisung said back, eyes dead serious and Jeongin couldn’t hold his laughter back anymore. 

“You’re an idiot,” Jeongin grinned, his chest feeling lighter as the lecture hall came into view. He really should have turned around and gone towards his own place, but he just wanted to stay with Jisung a little longer. Even now he was afraid it was all a dream, all of it disappearing in the blink of an eye.

“Takes one to know one,” Jisung grinned, back his smile blinding. He turned his head, eyes getting hard as he stopped, a “Fuck!” escaping him. Jeongin turned his head, his smile slipping from his lips as he took in Hyunjin, Chan, and Changbin standing together, clearly waiting for Jisung.

“Jeongin, you just go,” Jisung said with a tight smile. He turned to Jeongin, twisting his head, so Jeongin could only see Jisung’s kind warm eyes. “I’ll talk with them and once you and Felix get your shit together, we can all come together and hug it out, okay?” 

Jeongin nodded, the joy he just felt bleeding out of him as he could feel the other’s eyes on him. Jeongin turned his head, wincing when he met Changbin’s hateful glare. He had his arms crossed, looking ready for a fight while Chan was wringing his hands nervously as he looked from Jeongin to Changbin to Hyunjin and back again.

So he hadn’t told them, Jeongin mused, something dark bleeding into his chest.

He dared a look at Hyunjin, the other man’s eyes unreadable as he looked back at Jeongin. He looked gorgeous, as he always did in the eyes of Jeongin, dressed in his black leather jacket and a black shirt with Latin lettering across his chest. There was no paint in his hair this time and it looked styled, a touch of makeup enhancing his beautiful eyes. 

No doubt he hoped to run into the blue-haired guy if they weren’t already a thing. 

The thought made Jeongin angry. 

Hyunjin met Jeongin’s eyes again, no remorse in them as he stared back, and that now familiar wrath from before welled up in Jeongin. It was like fire creeping into his veins, prickling, and burning as he stared at Hyunjin. 

When Jeongin didn’t look away, Hyunjin lifted his hand to his mouth, and took a bite of the big red apple he was holding, glaring at Jeongin as he let his teeth sink into its skin. Jeongin clenched his fist, noticing how Hyunjin’s nails were newly painted, the black polish shiny in the warm sunlight.

Licking away an errant drop of juice, Hyunjin lifted his eyebrow, chewing as he leaned back against the wall, almost challengely. Jeongin didn't notice how Hyunjin's finger twitched nervously at his side, nor the hint of remorse Hyunjin was quick to hide.

“Jeongin, just go home,” Jisung said, his hand warm and firm on his shoulder. “I’ll talk with them, promise,” he added, sending a confused scowl Hyunjin’s way.  

“No,” Jeongin said, allowing the anger to fill him. For the first time in his life, he stopped thinking too much about faith and redemption. What was the point when he was born to sin anyway? Why not allow temptation and sin to fill him on his own accord?

Reaching in under the sweater he had borrowed from Minho, Jeongin pulled out the crucifix, the gold catching the light and gleaming as it came to rest against his chest, right next to his heart. 

With firm steps Jeongin marched directly up to Hyunjin, ignoring Chan’s stuttering and Changbin’s glare as he reached up, hand on Hyunjin’s shirt as he pulled him down, and with a movement of inexperience, smacked their lips together in a painful kiss.

Jeongin had none of Hyunjin’s practice and finesse, and he was certain that he was at current the worst kiss Hyunjin had ever had, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He bit into the other man with passion, using Hyunjin’s surprised gasp to delve deeper, cutting his desire and innocence on Hyunjin’s lips. 

Jeongin wasn’t kind. His lips were biting and bruising as he wanted to mark Hyunjin, to carve his name into his body as a lasting memory. Hyunjin’s lips were warm, soft, and perfect as he hesitantly began to kiss back. Jeongin knew he should pull away, and yet, Jeongin didn't stop, he just delved deeper, tasting, biting, and feeling. His dark untouched desires were finally being fed, feasting on Hyunjin for one forbidden moment. 

He tasted the juice of the apple Hyunjin had been eating, the sweet flavor mixing perfectly with the bitter taste of sin on Jeongin’s tongue. 

A shaky moan escaped Hyunjin as he pressed closer, carefully, hesitantly as if he was afraid to break the moment. 

Jeongin kept their lips pressed together, guiding and leading the kiss with force. Hyunjin gasped as Jeongin bit his bottom lip hard, his tongue running almost tenderly over the abused skin.

Jeongin pulled back, a string of saliva connecting their lips. 

Jeongin breathed out harshly, staring into Hyunjin’s surprised eyes as he smiled, a dark sinful smile that made the man he was holding shiver. Jeongin leaned in and Hyunjin’s eyes glanced down to his lips - almost eagerly - like he was expecting Jeongin to kiss him again. 

Jeongin brought up his leg, kneecap hitting Hyunjin right between his legs. 

Hard.

Hyunjin let out a painful whine, falling into Jeongin’s arms as his face got red. Around them, Jeongin could hear all the other men hiss in sympathy, but Jeongin just leaned in and held Hyunjin up.

“Don’t you ever fucking talk to me again,” Jeongin hissed into Hyunjin’s ear, voice dark and angry. “And don’t you fucking dare touch me again, or this will just be a taste of what I will do to you. I’m not afraid of being a sinner,” he sneered, pushing Hyunjin away like he was burning him. “Not anymore.”

The other man sunk to the ground, hands clutching his crotch, but Jeongin was already turning away, ignoring the wide-eyed stare from both Changbin and Chan. Jisung too was staring at him with eyes larger than saucers. 

Jeongin pulled the sleeve of his sweater up over his hand and wiped his mouth, the taste of apples lingering on his tongue. 

“See you later,” Jeongin said as he smiled weakly at Jisung who was still watching with huge eyes. With a last sigh, Jeongin grasped the strap of his bag and marched away, ignoring the many curious looks sent his way. 

On his chest, the crucifix rested heavily. 

oOo

 Jeongin held his breath as he punched in the code for the apartment. He pushed the door open gently, his heart speeding up as he heard music play softly on the speakers. He could hear Felix walking around and humming along gently in his familiar deep bass. 

With a deep breath, Jeongin pushed the door fully open, purposefully making sure he stomped a few times as he entered like he normally would, kicking his shoes loudly over in the corner. They landed in a pile next to Felix’s bubblegum pink shoes. 

The living room had gotten quiet, only the music playing to fill up the void.

Trying to calm the butterflies fluttering around his chest down, so he wouldn’t throw up, Jeongin pulled his bag strap over his head, stepping into the living room. His eyes immediately found Felix who was standing next to the couch, watching Jeongin with guarded eyes.

“I think we need to talk,” Jeongin said with a weak smile, dropping his bag on the floor with a thump. “I think we might have misunderstood each other,” he said, breath leaving him in a gush as Felix nodded.

Jeongin took a deep breath and joined him on the couch.

Chapter Text

The silence was awkward. 

Felix kept looking from Jeongin and down to his hands, only to look back up again a second later. His mouth kept opening and then closing again after a second as if he forgot what he wanted to say. 

Jeongin wasn’t much better. His hands were rubbing at his jeans, and he was pretty sure he was going to make them more distressed than they already were if he kept this up. He tried to breathe deeply, searching aimlessly for the right words, but all he wanted was to run away again.

“I meant what I said yesterday,” Jeongin eventually said, voice tight as he looked at the picture hanging on the wall over the TV. It was one Felix had hung up recently, pink and blue roses intertwined in some lightly abstract watercolor style. It was pretty. “I don’t care about your sexuality. I don’t think you’re anything less just because you choose to sleep with someone the Bible says you shouldn’t be with,” Jeongin forced out from his frozen lungs.

Without noticing he reached down to clutch his crucifix, the points digging into his palm painfully. 

“You said it was a sin,” Felix said after the silence had dragged on for another eternity. “I asked you if you didn’t like Hyunjin because he was gay, and you said it was a sin,” Felix continued, hurt bleeding into his words. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, voice hard as he squeezed around the crucifix hard, before letting it go. The dents from the corners remained, deep and red grooves carved into his skin. The tiny scar on his palm from before ached. “If you ask the Bible, it is a sin,” he sighed deeply, “But I’m not God nor a priest. I’m not here to judge your life or condemn your sins, that’s not my job.”

“Do you think it’s disgusting?” Felix asked, his voice hard as his eyes dug into Jeongin’s side. He still refused to look up to meet Felix’s light brown eyes. “What Changbin and I do together, does it make you sick to your stomach?”

“No,” Jeongin answered honestly. Closing his eyes he softly turned, only opening his eyes when he was facing Felix. “But you lying to me hurt me to my core. I thought we were best friends, Felix. I thought we understood each other. Don’t you get it?”

Felix just looked back at him with hard eyes.

“But it is a sin,” Felix said, and just like Jeongin, he was sounding more like he was echoing someone else’s opinion than his own beliefs. “God said a man should not lie with another man. To do so is not natural,” he said, voice getting more and more choked up with every word.

“Fuck God,” Jeongin said harshly. Next to him, Felix jumped, mouth hanging open. 

For the first time in his life, Jeongin took God’s name in vain. 

And yet, he wasn’t struck down by lightning. 

He lived.

“Lying is also a sin, yet you seemed perfectly okay doing that. Hell, even I lie all the time,” Jeongin said, pressing his shaking hands onto his knees. 

“But you-” Felix tried to say, but Jeongin couldn’t do this anymore.

“I’m gay, Felix,” he said, words hard as he let them out. They fled from his lips and filled the room, his deepest secret now out to so many people. “I’m gay, and I thought you knew that. I thought we were the same, trapped in a faith that does not allow us to love, and I thought you understood me,” Jeongin breathed out shakily, not able to look at Felix any more.

The room was suffocating. 

“I never had a problem with you dating Changbin, okay? I don’t care. Or, I do, I’m green with envy - another sin - because I wish I could do that. I wish I could…” Jeongin’s voice shook too badly to continue. 

He was so tired of tears. 

“I know, I’ll die alone. Sure, I could have a platonic relationship with someone, maybe even get away with a kiss if it wasn’t too much, but it wouldn’t be accepted. And I know my heart, Felix. I love with my entire being, not just half of me,” Jeongin forced out, the words feeling dirty as he said them. He had never admitted much of this, even to himself. “But I’m greedy, Felix. I wouldn’t be able to love someone half. I want to love with my whole being, heart, soul, and… body. I’m sad you kept your relationship from me, but more so, I’m deeply envious that you can have something I won’t ever be allowed to try.”  

Felix still didn’t say anything, he just stared at Jeongin with his mouth open in shock.

“You’re gonna catch flies,” Jeongin said dryly, looking away. His skin was itching. It felt like he was naked, shame clinging to him like grease. He was dirty, sinful, and disgusting. He had always been told that telling your secrets was a relief, but this wasn't.

“You don’t have to worry about the others not knowing. I accidentally told Chan and Seungmin yesterday, and Jisung and Minho know now too. Given that Chan has a big mouth, Hyunjin will know soon, but you can tell Changbin… Just promise you won't make it sound like a lame excuse for me behaving like an idiot. It isn’t. I really am gay,” he rushed out, hand twitching nervously on his knees.

“I know you wouldn’t lie about that,” Felix said, some of his usual softness back in his voice. “I just… why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, face getting pink when Jeongin just looked at him with a lifted eyebrow. “Yeah, okay.”

“I know, I shouldn’t have stormed out,” Jeongin said, biting his lip and breathing deeply. “I get how that must have looked to you, but I was just really angry and didn’t want to call you names. It’s okay if you hate me now. I understand that,” he added wryly. 

“I don’t hate you,” Felix said hurriedly, voice rough. “You were just really mad. I have never seen you look like that before. And then you didn't pick up your phone, and I couldn’t get a hold of you. I thought you were avoiding us. And then suddenly you're home, but you’re not really. Kinda makes it look like you hate me,” Felix defended himself. 

Jeongin didn’t really have anything to say to that. 

They both misunderstood the other.

They both fucked up.

“I was home in Busan over the weekend. That’s why I didn’t pick up. My phone died and I forgot my charger,” Jeongin said. He didn’t want to think about his parents so he quickly continued. “You probably should just hate me though,” Jeongin added, closing his eyes to hold back his tears. Fuck, he was tired of crying. “I doubt Changbin will ever talk to me, and, well, Chan, Hyunjin, and Seungmin seem to think I'm the scum of the earth. Minho and Jisung aren't mean enough to pick sides, but they’ll be there for you too.”

“Changbin doesn't hate you,” Felix sighed, moving a little so he was closer to Jeongin. His hand hovered hesitantly just next to Jeongin like he wanted to reach out. “And neither do the others. I think Changbin did kinda lose his temper a little, I’ll admit. But he doesn't hate you. He just tried to protect me. I was… I was very hurt,” Felix said, shame coloring his words. 

“I don’t think you read his texts,” Jeongin said darkly, his voice sounding wrong and twisted. “And Hyunjin… let’s just say he now has his reasons not to like me. Besides, I'm not sure we’re all as good friends as we all thought we were,” Jeongin dared to say. He ignored the pained sound coming from Felix, forcing the next words out.

It felt like the truth anyway.

“I don’t think, the person you all seem to think I am is me. Like you all just jumped to the fact that I had to be an asshole. You didn’t even fucking ask where I was, or gave me the benefit of the doubt,” Jeongin whispered, not giving Felix a chance to reply before he continued. “Anyway, it’s okay if you don’t like me. I'm moving out after exam season,” Jeongin said, taking another breath. His chest felt oddly tight. 

“What!?” Felix exclaimed, his deep voice sounding angry as his eyes bore into the side of Jeongin’s face. 

“You can ask Jisung to move in. I know he hates his dorm and the rent is paid the year out anyway,” Jeongin said, the air feeling thicker and thicker by the minute. It was getting hard to breathe. “Just, could I get you to take care of my plants for me?” He asked, another painful ache filling his chest.

“Jeongin, what do you mean you're moving out? Where the fuck are you going?” Felix asked, his irritation making his voice deeper. 

“I'm going back home,” Jeongin said, words feeling heavy as they left him. 

“The fuck!? You’re telling me you don’t care I’m gay and the first thing you tell me is you can’t keep on living with me, what the fuck is that? Who the hell do you think you are?” Felix sneered, moving back to he was as far away from Jeongin as he could get on the couch.

Jeongin’s tried to breathe, looking at the picture of the blue and pink roses over the TV. They were oddly calming.

“I don’t have a choice,” Jeongin forced out, lungs beginning to feel like stone. “My parents want me back home. My mother figured out I'm gay, same with my brother. They want me away from sin, back home where they can be sure I don’t do something they wouldn’t approve of.”

“Shit,” Felix said, all the anger leaving him in that one word and before Jeongin had time to notice, Felix was glued to his side. His arms held Jeongin so tight it hurt. “I'm not allowing that, Jeongin. They’re not taking you away from me.”

“I don’t think I have a choice,” Jeongin whispered, voice shaking as he finally lost his grip on his tears. 

oOo

“I just wished you would have told me,” Jeongin said, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. He and Felix had ended up weeping in each other arms like small children and eventually they had just laid down on the floor, finding it easier to talk when they didn’t have to look at each other. “Were you ever going to tell me?” He continued, softly, with no malice to his words.

“Yeah,” Felix softly admitted, reaching out to take Jeongin’s hand. “I know it doesn't help but I didn't want to tell the others either. Like, I’ve had a crush on Changbin since the day Chan introduced us, but I was…”

“Scared it wouldn’t work out,” Jeongin finished for him, understanding completely.

“Yeah,” Felix said. “Like we all know each other as friends. If we dated in secret and broke up, then at least we could pretend nothing happened, but if we got all of you involved… well, you’d all have to pick sides.” 

“I would have picked you,” Jeongin teased, his chest feeling a little lighter. Still, there was this huge weight on him though, digging uncomfortably into his heart. “If he hurts you I'm dropping one of his dumbbells on his feet.”

“If he hurts me, I’ll let you,” Felix grinned, his giggle making it easier for Jeongin to breathe. “Fuck, this turned into a mess, didn’t it?” He breathed, holding Jeongin’s hand tight.

“Sure did,” Jeongin said, returning Felix’s tight grip. After all, it was the only thing keeping him from floating away. “I'm sorry though, that you felt you couldn't tell me. But… Well, you know what they keep saying about being gay. I’ve been told to restrain myself since I first confessed to wanting to hold a boy's hands when I was thirteen.”

“Shit, you’ve known that long?” Felix said, surprise coloring his words. “I didn't figure it out until I was like sixteen. It was one of the reasons I decided to leave. I wanted to get some air from my church back home. I wasn’t even allowed to think about being gay, or bi, which is what I actually identify as. Even being close to anyone queer is seen as a sin. It’s toxic as fuck.”

“My mom wants me to get married,” Jeongin admitted with a dry smirk. “She thinks that will cure me.” 

“I think that will make it worse,” Felix said, shuddering as he was clearly imagining being married to someone he didn’t love. “But lying is a sin… Wouldn’t you have to lie if you marry a girl?”

“I think I have to do more than lie,” Jeongin muttered, shaking his head from side to side. “And I would never actually do it. Love should be sacred. It's a gift from God to us. Marriage should be about celebrating that love. It wouldn’t feel right to marry someone I don’t love. I want to be like my parents, you know?”

“Hmm, if my parent’s marriage had been good, sure. But then again, sometimes I doubt they married out of love, or if they just did because it was just expected of them. Fuck, I just want to be happy. Even if I can’t get married, that's just another sin at this point,” Felix said with a sigh. “I do… I do love Changbin, though.”

“Good,” Jeongin said, finally allowing himself to feel a flutter of happiness for his friend. “Does he love you too?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, all giddy and happy. Jeongin smiled at the ceiling, ignoring the ugly envy in his chest. It wasn't important. Just because he couldn't have Hyu- someone, it didn’t mean he couldn’t be happy for his best friend. 

“Good.” Jeongin said with a smile. “No more lies, though,” Jeongin added with a huff, lifting Felix’s hand and shaking it. 

“No more lies,” Felix promised, his smile clearing his voice. 

“I kneed Hyunjin in the balls by the way,” Jeongin said, trying to keep his voice light. “Just for full disclosure when you talk to him next time. I kinda have a feeling any friendship between him and me is impossible at this point,” Jeongin added, an odd heavy pain filling his chest at the knowledge that he would never be anything but an angry painful memory to Hyunjin. 

“What the fuck, Innie?” Felix said, sitting up, blond hair sticking out everywhere as he looked down at Jeongin. “What did he do?”

“Let’s just say he deserved it,” Jeongin sighed, closing his eyes. “I also kinda might have kissed him before I did it,” he added in a thin voice. He opened up his eyes a little bit, watching Felix stare down at him with his mouth open. “Which was also completely his fault and has everything to do with why I kneed him in the balls.”

“The fuck?” Felix replied, closing his mouth and blinking confusedly. “I feel like there is a story there.”

“Hmm, kinda, but you have to pull that out of Hyunjin. You’ve got my side of it,” Jeongin said, getting a little pink as he remembered the kiss. He really had the worst temper. “And he might not want to come over too much from now on as I threatened to do it again if he ever showed his face in front of me,” Jeongin added with an embarrassed smile.

Felix just lifted his eyebrow. 

“Yeah, so there’s that,” Jeongin said weakly.

“Hmm, you don’t say,” Felix muttered with an eye roll, but he was smiling so Jeongin thought it was okay. “Anyways, I'm sorry too. Minho and Jisung kept telling me we had to be misunderstanding you when you walked out. I should just have listened.”

“And I should have told you I was going to Busan when I gave in to my mother’s nagging,” Jeongin said with a shrug. “I think we all messed up, but it is what it is.”

“Gonna be hell trying to fix this, isn’t it?” Felix said with a sigh, lying down next to Jeongin again. 

“It is,” Jeongin said with a sigh. He closed his eyes, his hand coming up to rest on his chest where the crucifix was resting. It was going to be a mess to piece both their lives back together.

oOo

Hangyeol was in a mood today. Jeongin blinked, trying very hard not to fall asleep as the other man initiated his third rant of the afternoon. He looked around, finding several others who had seemingly also given up following along in the discussion. 

Jeongin sighed quietly looking down at the Bible in his hands. The black leather was slightly worn from the many years of frequent use, but the familiar surface was still well-kept despite the hours Jeongin had spent searching for the answers hidden within. Usually, he would have been able to find what he was looking for, but now it felt like the more he searched for answers for his faith, the more holes and missing pieces appeared.

It used to be easy. To follow what the fathers and his parents said the Bible preached, but now it seemed to make less sense in the context he had been given.

Jeongin wasn’t sure if it was because the Bible just wasn’t meant to help with 21st-century issues, or if it had ever made sense to anyone. 

He looked at the Bible in his lap, for the first time feeling like the words in it were nonsense. All the stories, the tales, and moral lessons of his childhood seemed so dumb. Half the stories seemed odd, the other half had ‘good men’ doing God's work by sleeping with their own daughters and killing their sons. How could they be righteous, but Jeongin’s pure romantic love was ‘unnatural’? 

The other half of the Bible’s stories seemed to have been twisted and turned so many times the original meanings had been lost to translations and time.

Jeongin had never had a crisis of faith. He had never strayed off the path like many of his classmates. He didn’t sneak out to drink, had secret girlfriends, or tried to figure out himself through unholy means, because he had been so sure he knew who he was; His parent’s flawed son, who would do anything to be seen as worthy in their eyes. But now, every morning he looked into the mirror and a stranger stared back at him.

Jeongin had always been a righteous and devout child, so how come he was born to be a sinner? 

He had followed all rules given to him by his church and his parents and had never allowed himself to let go and sin for the hell of it. He had always restrained himself and kept the unsightly parts hidden and out of sight, but it seemingly hadn’t made a difference. 

To all, he was born to sin, simply for existing.

Jeongin was tired of being sinful just because others deemed him to be.

“- And with that, I think we should finish for today,” Hangyeol finally said. Jeongin could barely hide his smile at the sigh of relief that went through the room. It was way past the time they usually finished, and Hangyeol barely got his usual goodbyes over before the first few were running out the door as fast as they could.

“Silent again today,” Seojin teased as she walked over to Jeongin, her pleated skirt brushed against her knees as she walked. Her long socks allowed a modest little bit of skin to peek out just under her knee. 

Jeongin smiled at her, noticing how nice she looked. He wondered if she had anywhere to be since he could even see the barest hint of peach eyeshadow on her eyelids. Even her jacket, a long gray peacoat, looked like something one would wear for Sunday mass and not Bible study. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin struggled, putting his Bible in his bag and pulling his jacket on. It was almost the beginning of October and it was starting to get cold. “Thought I’d let him have his moment, you know,” Jeongin smiled, offering up his arm.

Seojin took it with a smile.

As usual, it was easy being with Seojin. They could talk about everything, laugh, and just be. Jeongin barely noticed that they had been so busy talking that they hadn’t noticed Seojin’s bus arriving and leaving.

“Oh,” Jeongin said, cheeks getting red as his bus approached. “I’m so sorry, Seojin. Here I am just running my mouth,” he sighed with a wry smile.

“It’s okay,” Seojin said, like the nice person she was. Her own cheeks were getting pink from the cold, and she pressed closer to Jeongin, looking up at him from under her eyelashes. “You can just go, I can wait by myself,” she said with a soft smile.

“Nah, it wouldn’t feel right to let you be here all alone,” Jeongin said with his own smile. “Besides, I can just take the next one.” Seojin’s smile was blinding as she leaned closer to him for warmth. Her eyes flickered over the street, a frown appearing on her face.

“Do you know that guy?” She asked, leaning up to speak directly at Jeongin’s ear. “He keeps staring at you,” she said, nodding discreetly to a cafe a few meters away. Jeongin allowed his eyes to flicker over to see who it was, his heart stuttering in his chest as he was suddenly looking straight into Hyunjin’s beautiful eyes. 

Jeongin wanted to die a little when he looked Hyunjin over. His hair was half-up half-down with a small braid trailing through it, and a few strands having torn themselves loose to caress his face. Eyeliner framed his eyes and made them stand out more than usual, and the light dusting dark of makeup only made him look more alluring than usual. 

His tinted lips looked like temptation itself, and Jeongin hated that he could remember with perfect clarity how they felt, pressed against his own. 

He was dressed to kill, all black leather and distressed jeans that allowed the most seductive glimpses of his perfect skin. There was no paint, no imperfection, and Jeongin’s whole body hummed with the need to get closer. 

“Hmm, don’t think so,” he said with a shrug, looking away. However, now that he was aware of Hyujnin’s glare, he could feel it on him like a warm brand against his side. 

“Hmm, I always feel a little sorry for people who dress like that,” Seojin said in that tone of her that meant she was being completely honest and well-meaning even if her words were mean. Her eyes flickered back to Hyunjin and back to Jeongin. “He looks like he’s trying to prove something to the world. Like he wants to fight. And the sad thing is, he doesn’t. If he just found peace he’d realize he needs nothing but God’s love.”

Jeongin blinked a few times, unease turning in his stomach at her conviction. Hyunjin didn’t need God’s love. It was God’s love that turned his parents away from him, the same love that had tainted Jeongin’s childhood with painful memories of not being worthy of grace.

“Besides,” she said with a blinding smile, “I like how you dress more.” She reached up, gently turning the crucifix Jeongin had taken to carry outside of his clothing lately. A silent protest to his own doubt. “Jesus was turning the wrong way,” she said, hand lingering on Jeongin’s chest a little too long to be innocent. 

Jeongin’s stomach churned painfully. 

“Oh, there's my bus,” Seojin said with a smile, hand letting go of Jeongin’s crucifix. “See you next week,” she added, hurrying up the bus, and waved at Jeongin as she drove away. Jeongin smiled at her, dread starting to fill him as he took note of just how she was smiling at him.

He could feel Hyunjin stare at him again. Jeongin wanted to curse as his skin prickled and burned pleasantly under the attention. He ached to look at the man he had loved and pinned for secretly for years. 

But Jeongin wasn’t a lonely teen anymore and he was tired. So, so tired. He wasn’t going to chase after ghosts and temptation anymore. Jeongin needed to figure some things out before he ventured out into unknown territory, if he even dared to do so.

When his bus came a few minutes later Jeongin got on it, not once giving Hyunjin a single glance.

Chapter Text

“There we go, my little thirsty darlings,” Jeongin said in a sing-song voice. He smiled as he saw the water disappear into the earth, and he swore he could see a few of his plants perk up already. “You all love Watering Monday, don’t you?”

“Please, don’t turn into an old creepy man who raises orchids in a desolate mansion somewhere in the mountains,” Felix said with a soft smile as he leaned against the door. Jeongin looked up at him and made a face. “I don’t know who is weirder about their kids, you or Minho.”

“Minho’s cats are his brothers,” Jeongin shot back, gently petting his devil’s ivy on the leaves. “These are all my kids,” he said proudly, moving on to his monstera who was getting a little too big for his tiny room. He didn’t want to move it though, feeling like it wouldn’t get enough light in the living room. 

“And besides, I only have like four orchids,” Jeongin muttered, looking at the shelf over his bed where their long roots were creeping out of their pots. “And one of them I saved out of a dumpster.” 

“As long as you’re happy,” Felix said as he watched Jeongin water the last of his plants. Things weren’t completely fine between them, but it was getting there slowly. But then again, Jeongin couldn’t expect wonders in just over two weeks.

He was almost used to Felix’s striking blond hair though. 

“So,” Felix said after a moment of silence. Jeongin looked up curiously as Felix bit his lip nervously. “I asked Seungmin and Hyunjin to come over.”

Jeongin stopped what he was doing, looking down at his plants.

“Hyunjin wanted to know if he should wear some protective gear before stepping through the door,” he said with a pointed look. Seemed like no one, not even Seungmin, wanted to spill about what Hyunjin had done to piss Jeongin off to the point of him literally - he had been told so by Jisung - bruising Hyunjin’s nether regions. 

“When are they coming?” He asked, voice a little thin. 

“In about half an hour or so,” Felix said, frowning a little, the awkwardness almost killing him. Jeongin couldn’t really blame him. It had taken some maneuvering from both of them to have friends over since Jeongin technically wasn’t a part of half the group anymore. 

Even Felix having Changbin over had made Jeongin crash on Minho’s couch more than once. He slept over at Jisung’s dorm room too, both of them squeezing into his tiny bed, while his roommate looked at them curiously, proclaiming the whole thing borderline homosexual. Jeongin hadn’t been able to stop himself from telling the idiot that if he wanted it gayer he would have to pay for the show, and that had shut the jock up pretty fast, and made Jisung laugh so hard he had rolled out of the bed. 

Jeongin looked down at his crucifix, the chain feeling oddly heavy around his neck. It didn’t feel right telling Felix that he couldn’t have friends over, but at the same time, he didn’t want to leave. This was his place too. 

“Okay,” Jeongin said with a weak smile, and noticed how Felix’s shoulders immediately relaxed. “I’ll just, eh, stay in here, I suppose?” 

“You can come out from your room too, you know,” Felix said exasperated, rolling his eyes though his lips remained pressed together in a thin line. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jeongin muttered, trying to smile calmingly at Felix. Going by the look he received, Felix wasn’t convinced. “I’ll leave the door open,” Jeongin finally conceded, rolling his eyes as he put the empty watering can away. 

“And…” Felix said, hand leading Jeongin on.

“And go out and get things if I need them as this is my apartment as much as yours,” He rattled off, mirroring the words Felix had said to him the day before when he realized Jeongin was only going out because Changbin was coming over. 

“Good,” Felix said with a smile and a wink. “That wasn't so hard.”

“I'm still not staying when Changbin is here,” Jeongin muttered, dumping himself on his bed and picking up the novel he had been reading. “I’m not listening to you to get it on. It was enough to see him try to eat your neck once.”

“Asshole,” Felix huffed, but he didn’t disagree as he skipped out of the room and started to clean the place a little before his friends came over. Not that it was really needed, Jeongin and Felix were generally pretty tidy to begin with.

Jeongin sighed, getting the distinct feeling Felix was only allowing Jeongin to believe the subject had been dropped to lull him into a false sense of security. 

Jeongin tried to mind his own business as he heard a knock on the door, soon followed by the sound of Seungmin’s voice as well as Hyunjin’s more hesitant one drifting through the apartment. Jeongin breathed out hard, feeling the anger turn in him again as he kept his eyes on his book. 

He reached down, hand grasping his crucifix so hard he was afraid it might break his skin this time again. Even after all of this, his heart still longed.

“Hi, Jeongin,” he heard Seungmin call, but Jeongin was enjoying being petty as all he gave in return was a weak sound of acknowledgment before he tried to lose himself to his world in the novel. It didn’t help that it was about a man falling in love with his best friend, growing increasingly more desperate to have his love recognized as the story progressed. 

It was the last time he just picked a book randomly from the ‘ popular at the moment ’ pile at the library. 

Hyunjin thankfully didn’t try to greet him. 

Jeongin kept his eyes on the book as he heard the others talk, their voices mingling calmly with the quiet lofi music Felix had playing from the speakers. He could feel their eyes on him sometimes, knowing he was in the direct line of sight from the living room. 

In order to give his plants the most sunlight during the day, he had placed his bed so it was right in front of the door. Normally, it was nice to be able to just look up and be able to look at Felix when they wanted to talk without either of them getting up, but right now Jeongin was regretting that decision. 

He did eventually manage to get into his book again, the voices outside washing into a distant hum as the main character tried to confess, only to be horribly rejected. Familiar feelings and fears swept through Jeongin, his heart aching along with the protagonist as he fell into despair, and Jeongin had to pause for a moment, allowing his eyes to fall shut and lean his head back as the echo of the character’s pain washed over him.

“You okay, Innie?” Felix asked, voice worried. “You’re sniffling.” It was only then that Jeongin realized he was crying, tears running down his cheeks silently.

“Shit choice of book,” was all he replied, hurrying to wipe his cheeks. Steps sounded and soon a box of tissues landed on his bed. Jeongin was about to thank Felix, but when he looked up he saw the back of Hyunjin’s slim frame as he walked back to his seat. 

Jeongin took the box with no comment. 

He didn’t have a lot of the novel left, so arming himself with the tissues he tried to get back into the plot, but it was harder this time. It was like he could feel Hyunjin’s eyes when they flickered in his direction. Like a horrid superpower, Jeongin was just able to catch the man sending him fugitive looks out of the corner of his eyes.

Jeongin was just happy his book had a happy ending, because otherwise he would have thought it was a shit use of a perfectly good Monday afternoon. Dropping the book back on the bed, he leaned back again, this time with a smile on his face as he wondered how it must feel to be in love and be loved back, how such happiness would feel in his own skin. 

One could always dream, even if it was dreams of sin.

oOo

Jeongin was in his own world of numbers and constants when he felt a touch on his shoulder. He startled, pulling the earphones he had taken on, once Hyunjin’s laughter had gotten too much, off and looked up at Felix with wide eyes.

“We’re going to get burgers for dinner,” Felix said, eyes on the huge book in Jeongin’s lap and the many pages of crumpled-up paper around him. Jeongin had moved on to actually working on his homework after he finished his novel, and had been buried in a mountain of side equations for the last hour “You just want your usual? And maybe a coke as well. You look like you need sugar.” 

“Please,” Jeongin groaned, his stomach feeling like it wanted to eat itself. His head was hurting as well, and he had been close to giving up for today anyway. “If you’re picking it up, could you get me fries as well?”

“No problem. Anything for you, my little engineer,” Felix grinned, leaving the room and shoving both Seungmin and Hyunjin out the door. Jeongin sighed as the door closed behind them, grateful that Felix had let his lofi music continue playing. 

Jeongin still despised silence.

Jeongin got up from his bed with a groan, body stiff from sitting on his bed for hours. He would normally do his homework at the little dining nook in the living room next to the kitchen, but he hadn’t felt like sitting in the same room as Hyunjin. It was bad enough that he could hear and see the other man from his room, he surely didn’t need to sit right in front of him.

Jeongin made quick work of cleaning up and ran to the bathroom before he went to the kitchen to grab some water. Apart from a single other rather pressing bathroom break Jeongin hadn’t left his room, and he knew the only reason why Felix was picking up their food instead of having it delivered was so Jeongin could get out of his room. 

Jeongin sighed as he emptied half of his glass of water walking into the living room, his headache slowly ebbing away now he was away from his studies. He felt a little sad as he looked at the couch. It was clear from how the pillows had been shuffled around that they had all been sitting really close, Felix in Seungmin’s arms and Hyunjin in Jeongin’s usual spot, facing his room. 

Paper and pencils were scattered over the table. Jeongin felt bad about chasing Felix out to get his own food so he decided to clear the table for them. 

He immediately regretted it as he picked up a drawing of himself. 

He blinked, looking at the delicate lines making up his own concentrated face, a book open in his hands, and orchids dangling down over his head. It was just a sketch, but it was clear just how careful and precise Hyunjin had been while drawing him. 

Jeongin frowned, picking up the next piece of paper. 

This time he was crying. His face trying to retain the overflow of emotions he was experiencing, tears silently rolling down his cheeks, his expression contorted with unsaid heartbreak.

In the next drawing, he was holding his book to his chest, leaning back with a smile. Then he was studying with a frown on his face, having put on earphones and glared at his book turned upside down, eyes closed as he listened to this music, his homework long forgotten. It was like seeing his whole afternoon in short glimpses through Hyunjin’s eyes.

In the corner of one of the drawings, Hyunjin had scribbled a little messy ‘I’m sorry ’.

Jeongin blinked.

After a brief moment of confusion, fury filled him up from the inside. How fucking dare he? How dare Hyunjin make his life miserable, how dare he still have such an impact on Jeongin? 

How dare Hyunjin look at Jeongin like he meant something.

Anger rushed through Jeongin as he picked up all the drawings in a messy pile, stomping over to the trash can, fully ready to get rid of every single one. He stopped, hands shaking as he looked down at the empty ramen packaging from his lunch. He wanted to relax his hands, to see the drawings disappear, but he couldn’t. 

The more he wanted his hands to let go, the tighter he held on.

“FUCK!” Jeongin yelled into the empty kitchen, putting the drawings back down, smoothing out the wrinkles his shaking hands had made. He really hated Hyunjin.

Hated him so much it hurt.

Jeongin hated how Hyunjin knew what it felt like to be kissed by some who loved him, hated how Hyunjin got to be everything Jeongin wished he could be… Hated Hyunjin because, despite all this, he knew, deep down, that Hyunjin wasn’t a bad person. Felix and Seungmin wouldn’t be friends with him otherwise. 

Jeongin hated Hyunjin because Hyunjin could never be his. 

In the end, Jeongin put all the sketches in a pile, placing them on the little dining table in the corner. He finished cleaning and setting the table with a few glasses, taking one for himself and placing it on his desk. When Felix came back, Jeongin gratefully took his food and spent the rest of the night watching anime on his computer. 

When he found a sketch of him laughing with his earphones on the next day, he didn’t mention it. And he certainly didn’t say anything when Felix pinned a few of his favorites to the fridge. 

oOo

Jeongin was seriously contemplating just quitting University, and spend the rest of his life employed at a mini-mart. It felt like something he could do. It was an honorable job that did a lot for people in general, and as an added bonus, it didn’t involve him getting a degree that was making him miserable. 

It didn’t help that the lecture today had been about what they needed to focus on in their exams, and suddenly the end of the semester seemed to be getting closer and closer. Even if it was only in the mid dle of October, November felt terribly close. And once it was November it would almost be December and before long Jeongin would be back in Busan. 

Back to his parents, his church, and the dishonest shackles that would allow him to live peacefully for as long as he could.

Jeongin looked down at his notes, none of them making much sense. He looked up again, his brain unable to grasp anything coming out of the professor. Even the PowerPoint didn’t clue him into what was going on. 

His words were like a lullaby, pulling even the most energetic souls to sleep… Jeongin wrote, almost unwillingly. He frowned as he read the words, scratching them out immediately. Really it was such a bad habit to just write silly things. 

His father would hit him if he saw. 

When the lecture was finally done, Jeongin was happy to escape, Yedam following him with a yawn. 

“Please tell me I wasn’t the only one who completely lost it at the end,” Yedam said, stumbling along next to Jeongin. He blinked lazily and Jeongin couldn’t help how cute he looked. Still, he was no Hyunjin. 

“I have no idea what half of what he said today was about. He lost me on his tangent of mass versus pressure,” Jeongin muttered, shaking his head as they stepped outside. The fresh crisp air was like a balm on his aching brain. “I don’t even think that it is part of the course.”

“I doubt it,” Yedam said, head back as he looked at the sky, breathing deeply. Once again Jeongin cursed himself for the fact he couldn’t just let go. Yedam was nice. He didn’t make Jeongin’s heart explode, but he was nice. Jeongin could see him loving the other if he was ever given the chance. 

But Jeongin’s love remained a sin.

“Anyways,” Yedam said, eyes falling from the heavens and down to Jeongin. “I have got to get to my next lecture,” he pouted and Jeongin couldn’t hold back a laugh. The other man was just so cute. 

“Sucks to be you.” Jeongin said. “By the way, we’re still on for lunch on Thursday?” He added, deciding to be happy that their one cup of friendly coffee had become several cups of friendly coffee and a lot of friendly lunches. 

“Of course,” Yedam grinned, skipping over to give Jeongin a quick hug before taking off. Jeongin watched him leave with a heavy heart before he turned. It would still be a few hours before he had his next lecture, so Jeongin would need some coffee. 

He turned towards the art department, walking slowly, and enjoyed not having anywhere to run to. Around him, the trees were golden and bright, the perfect image of autumn. The piles of leaves at their feet were growing bigger and bigger though. Soon there would be no leaves left at all.

Soon it would be winter, and before the last snow thawed Jeongin would be gone.

He sighed deeply as he made his way to the café, smiling weakly at the barista. She had exchanged her bright rainbow hair with a deep purple shade that complimented her large and silver statement earrings. Her hair had grown out a bit, leaving a patch of black at the base of her head, but it blended almost intentionally in with the dye.

Jeongin ordered his coffee, and hid away in the corner taking out his notes in an attempt to make them somewhat helpful for himself. He was nice and cozy with his coffee and his sad-day treat in the form of a muffin when the door burst open, a familiar giggle filling the place.

Jeongin wanted to groan as Hyunjin waltzed in, Changbin, Chan, and Jisung hot on his heels. Thankfully none of them seemed to notice him as they jumped to the register to order, making the barista laugh loudly as Hyunjin flicked his hair flirtatiously at her. 

Jeongin bit his lip, trying hard not to look at them while pretending not to exist at the same time. His phone lit up and he wasn’t surprised to see a text from Jisung. He looked up, meeting the kind smile of his friend. 

Jeongin put a finger over his mouth and Jisung winked at him, immediately turned around, and noisily threw himself over Changbin’s shoulder. Jeongin sighed, replying to Jisung’s ‘ i see u’ with a grateful ‘Thanks. I owe you’. 

Still, even though he knew he shouldn’t, Jeongin couldn’t keep his eyes from looking up, immediately sticking to Hyunjin like his very presence was magnetic. 

There was something utterly graceful about Hyunjin. He looked like a painting, with soft sunkissed skin, golden hair with just a hint of black at the roots, long slim legs hugged tightly by a pair of black jeans 

Even leaning over the counter, carefully selecting the perfect apple from the fruit hamper he looked like sin personified. Jeongin couldn’t help but feel his cheeks heat up as he thought of the kiss, of Hyunjin’s delicate lips pressed against his own. 

He couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel to have those lips wander, to hear the sighs and moans he might make depending on where Jeongin touched him. He wondered how his skin would look without the cover of his clothes, if he would blush when Jeongin allowed his hands to drift over him, teasing him with his fingers…

“No, no, no,” Jeongin chastised himself in a hushed tone.

Jeongin shook his head, hurrying to take a sip of his coffee. He shouldn’t think like that, shouldn’t like it, shouldn’t be this curious. He wouldn’t get anything out of letting these fantasies evolve and flourish in his imagination. Jeongin had been fine before the kiss, not knowing what he was lusting after, and maybe if it only had been that one taste of temptation, then he could have made it through this without wanting to delve right back into sin. But his own kiss of revenge had awakened an even deeper desire he wasn’t aware of. 

Hyunjin was temptation, condemnation, and imitated salvation in one being, his hands made for destroying Jeongin and his faith. Hyunjin was made for consuming every single part of Jeongin.

Hyunjin was bad for him.

Jeongin knew that. Still, he couldn’t keep his eyes away.

Hyunjin was laughing at something Chan had said, his giggle filling the whole café like bells. Changbin was complaining and Jisung was subtly blocking Jeongin from their periphery. Jeongin’s eyes fell to Hyunjin’s long fingers, fascinated with the way they grasped the apple in his hand, a stark contrast between his soft skin and the harsh firm skin of the fruit as he kept turning it over in his hand absentmindedly. 

Almost without thinking, Jeongin picked up his pen and placed it on the paper of his notebook. He twirled it in his hand for a moment, before letting the tip hit the surface of the paper and allowed it to move, imprinting the words of his mind onto a physical entity. He let his eyes drift over the words as they bled out of him and onto the paper, finally allowing his words to see the light of day. 

From the tip of his pen, he created a new world, a new tale.

A tale of a man so beautiful even the Gods grew jealous. 

Jeongin couldn’t stop. Once he began, the words just rushed out of him as a story slowly formed inside his head. He was so focused he didn’t hear his friends leave, didn’t notice how Hyunjin took a bite of his apple, stopping before his lips touched the fruit, starstruck by Jeongin’s presence. He didn’t see Jisung pull Hyunjin away before the other two noticed, nor did Jeongin see how Hyunjin kept looking at him over his shoulder as they walked away, his apple whole and uneaten. 

All Jeongin saw was his own sinful words.

oOo

There was something odd about leaving mass when he had neither confessed nor received communion. Jeongin had always been an active part of the mass, confessed weekly, and had been at the altar every Sunday to receive Christ’s blessing. But now he couldn’t. He used to always pay attention to mass, be it Korean or Latin, he always made sure to take note of the priest’s words, but now they felt cold and unpleasant to him. 

He was present, but oddly detached as he left, barely acknowledging anyone in the congregation. His head was somewhere else as he walked past the bus stop, not feeling like being with other people. 

He just wanted to wander. 

Since he had begun writing the other day, Jeongin hadn’t been able to stop. He had a good chunk of the beginning, and as if he had pulled a thread, the whole plot had come alive before him. When he sat in front of his computer, the words rushed out of him almost too fast for him to get them down, his head always turning the story’s dilemmas over and over even while he was doing other things. 

It was like he was possessed. 

Even now, all Jeongin wanted to do was go home to write about the man who wasn’t Hyunjin. To bleed his broken heart out onto the pages, and to dream of a man who was kind, caring, and who would love someone like Jeongin in a world where their love wasn’t a sin and the Gods were pitiful disgraceful things. 

His head was somewhere in the clouds when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He wanted to curse when he noticed his mom’s name on the screen and for a while, he considered not picking up but decided against it. Not picking up would cause more headaches than picking up would.

He was just happy she didn’t know he was writing. She would be furious if she found out he had begun that again, and to be fair, he wasn’t in the mood to have a repeat of last time when his fifteen-year-old self had experimented with writing after getting inspired by an old library book. 

The pain wasn't worth the joy of writing. 

“Hi, Mom,” Jeongin said as he picked up, trying to keep his voice light as he kept walking. 

“Have you been to church?” His mother asked without even giving Jeongin a single greeting.

“I’m always at church on Sundays, Mom,” he sighed, maneuvering around a whole family out enjoying the last of the sunshine before winter took over soon. Not that the sunshine would last long with the big clouds slowly drifting in over the city though. 

“Well, with how you've changed lately I have no choice but to check up,” His mother sighed, a tint of that worry that was becoming a little too familiar clinging to her voice. “You still haven't talked to your dad about moving back,” she added as a reason for her sudden call.

Jeongin had to admire her for getting directly to the point for once.

“If I could, I'd rather wait for the summer break. I’ve already registered for classes for after Christmas,” he said, trying not to sound like he was begging. 

“But you can take all that here,” his mom said, confused and unwilling to understand. “Busan has so many good universities. Look at where your brother is going. You could eat lunch together,” she said, voice getting all cheery at the idea.

“Mom, I don’t think Jeonghwan wants to eat lunch with me every day,” Jeongin sighed, trying not to sound like a petulant child. “And Busan doesn't have the course I want to take anyway.”

“Then you don’t need it,” his mom said with finality.

“Mom.” Jeongin said, stopping up, not caring that he was being pushed around by strangers. “You can't just play with my education like this. I want to take this course. You’re the ones who want me to be an engineer.”

“Only because you insist on being childish about blood,” she said impatiently. Jeongin sucked in a deep breath, the comment stinging more than it should. “I did so much to make you ready to study medicine, and now I have to do it all over again for your little brother. After having wasted so many years of math to make him ready to study engineering.”

“I don’t get sick by the sight of blood because it amuses me,” Jeongin spat, trying very hard not to be disrespectful. God would know how many sins he had otherwise built up over the last few weeks since he last confessed. 

“You could at least have tried,” his mother said like she didn’t know how many videos of dissections Jeongin had been forced to watch, how many gory pictures of brains, and how many hours she had spent with him leaning over dead mice and birds, yelling at him to keep cutting even if Jeongin had tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“You could have saved lives, Jeongin. Been the special boy God always intended you to be,” she added, the words like a spear between Jeongin’s ribs. “Imagine you, with your… inclination, you wouldn’t have to worry about a family. You could have worked your whole life, being the hands of God. Now, you just pushed that onto your brother and you still tell me you won’t marry.”

Jeongin couldn’t say anything as he stood still as the whole world moved around him.

“Where are you even?” His mother asked, unaware of how her words had hurt her son. “It sounds so noisy.”

“I'm walking home,” Jeongin replied without even thinking. His mother made a disapproving sound on the phone.

“On the day of rest?” She asked, voice tinted with anger. “Don’t you know you should worship God by being relaxed and doing as little as possible, and yet you’re walking home?”

“I needed the air,” Jeongin said voice growing small.

“You need to honor God,” his mom said sharply. “I will talk with your father about moving. If you will not listen to me, you’ll listen to him,” she said, hanging up without a word of goodbye. 

Above him, distant thunder rolled over the skies.

Jeongin wanted to scream. He was so angry, so tired, and frustrated.

He lifted his hand to his neck and moved in under his scarf, cold fingers grasping the gold chain around his neck and pulling. He wanted to tear it, to break his promises to God, to break free of everything holding him down.

The gold bit into him, refusing to break, tearing painfully at his skin. 

Heavy rain drops began to fall around him, and people jumped to get out of the sudden rain. Jeongin could only look up, feeling a little like God had it out for him, since he still had a long way home and his jacket wasn’t water-resistant. 

With a curse, Jeongin ran along the street, running under an overhang and looking for a café or something he could take refuge in. 

He stopped in his tracks suddenly, eyes drawn to the building in front of him. The facade was simple and ordinary, but it was the gleaming cross on the door that caught his attention. 

Jeongin wasn’t really sure what made him cross the street, the water pelting him as he jumped up the steps and pushed the door open, coming to a stop as soon as he entered. 

It was very clear that this wasn’t a Catholic church, and if Jeongin had any doubts then he was proven right once he entered the main part of the church, the lack of a basin of holy water obvious. 

The whole church was much lighter as well. The walls were white, and the pews were made of light wood. There were no pictures of saints, no Holy Mary staring at him from somewhere, and no confessional either. Instead, there was a beautiful painting, and a huge bare cross standing at the end, large candelabras standing on the altar, still lit after the Sunday service. 

Jeongin made his way into the church feeling a little like an outsider as he slid into one of the pews, immediately spotting a book of hymns. He blinked and picked it up hesitantly before leafing through it. He was familiar with some of the hymns, but most of them were new to him.

Putting the book down, Jeongin opened his jacket and placed it carefully on the seat next to him. He breathed in deeply, the air clear of the incense Father Hong favored. 

It was quiet, warm, and peaceful. 

It was very much the same, yet completely different from his own church. 

“Well, hello there,” he heard someone say. Jeongin opened his eyes, seeing an older man with kind eyes look down at him. He was bathed in the light from the brightly shining chandelier above them. In his arms, he carried a plain and old-looking Bible. “You look like you’re lost,” the man said, sitting down on the pew next to Jeongin.

For once, Jeongin had words for why he wasn’t able to find meaning within his faith recently. 

He was lost. 

Well and truly lost.

Chapter Text

“I'm sorry,” Jeongin said, looking around. Apart from himself and the old man, there wasn’t anyone else present in the nave of the church. The only noise that could be heard was that of muffled voices trailing in from the outside. “I didn't know I wasn’t allowed in here,” he hurried to say, reaching out to get his jacket.

“You’re more than welcome to be here,” the kind-looking man hastily said, gesturing for Jeongin to remain seated before leaning more into the seat and offering him a welcoming smile. “God’s space is open to all. Sadly, we do have to go home, so we close at 4 p.m. Until then, our church is open for everyone.”

Jeongin blinked and exhaled deeply, choosing to sit back down again and turned to face the man.

“When I said you looked lost, I meant it more in a general way,” the older man continued, turning to look at Jeongin as well. “Sometimes, I think, when we get lost on the path of life, we turn to God expecting Him to grant us answers. More often than not, God doesn’t guide us directly but leads us to places and people where we can seek help.” The man's eyes returned to the cross at the end of the room, his hands folding in his lap. “I think you came here for a reason, young man.”

“What if I’m not Christian?” Jeongin asked, his own eyes falling to his lap as he reached up to fidget with his crucifix. He felt vulnerable to be in the presence of the other, as if he knew something Jeongin didn’t. The bare cross hovering over the sanctuary felt like a heavy presence, but not in the same way the unmoving eyes on the crucifix did.

“In the eyes of me, it doesn’t matter. I had a Buddhist in here the other day who was upset about his mother being ill. In the end, he just needed to talk with someone, and I was that someone,” the stranger said kindly. “I personally don’t believe a God who granted us his son to die for our sins, would care about someone’s religion when they’re in need of comfort. I think He’s there when we need Him. And when someone who doesn’t practice this religion needs Him, He will be there as well,” 

“I guess,” Jeongin said, still twirling the crucifix between his fingers.

“It is simply my belief,” the strangers said amused. “I’m Park Doyun, priest of this church.”

“Yang Jeongin,” Jeongin muttered, feeling it was rude not to introduce himself. “This is a Protestant church, right?”

“It is indeed,” Doyun replied, eyes still on the cross before them. “One of them, at least. There are a lot of different ways to interpret the words of God. I’ve found this way feels more true to me. You’re Catholic, I presume?”

Jeongin’s eyes flew up, catching Doyun’s. The priest’s eyes were kind and welcoming, just like his church.

“Your crucifix and rosary ring is a bit of a giveaway,” Doyun added as an explanation. “You’re not the first Catholic to be in here either, child. I don’t mind. Neither does our God.”

Jeongin mulled his word over, not knowing what to say. Doyun didn’t say anything, just allowed Jeongin to think. The silence was comfortable and the bright open space was a nice change from the darker church space he was used to. 

“I'm gay,” Jeongin said finally, once there was nothing but the silence in his heart. It wasn’t oppressive nor complete, just comforting. 

“Well, I understand why God sent you to this church in particular,” Doyun said, crossing his legs, and letting his hand rest on top of his Bible. “You’re very lucky to have entered perhaps the one church where we embrace everyone and celebrate the love God gives us no matter who we give that love to.”

Jeongin swung his head around so fast the joints in his neck cracked, eyes wide as he stared at Doyun.

“What?” He exclaimed, heart beating hard as he grasped his crucifix with a hard grip. “But it’s a sin!” The words passed his lips before he could stop them, shame filling him when he remembered how those exact words, when spoken out loud, had hurt Felix just as much as they hurt Jeongin himself.

“Is it, though?” Doyun said, turning around to look at Jeongin, wrinkles appearing around his eyes as he smiled. 

“It says so in the Bible,” Jeongin said, finally letting go of his crucifix. “I’ve read all of it and it states that it is a sin.” His hand hurt from having held the crucifix so tightly. If he didn’t stop clinging to it so desperately, letting its edges carve into his skin where it was already weak and newly healed.

If he broke the skin again he would be left with permanent indentations in his palm, his own personal stigma in the shape of a scar.

“Does it?” Doyun said, amused. “Because it also says you can’t be a follower of Christ if you don't give up all your possessions. There are ways you’re not allowed to cut your hair, and it also says you cannot eat pork. There are plenty of parts in the Bible we all agree are a bit outdated, or just simply don’t uphold.”

Jeongin didn’t have a comeback for that. 

“But, it says it’s wrong and a sin,” Jeongin finally said, frowning a little as he leaned back, eyes once again falling onto the huge cross on the altar. “When God struck Sodom He did so because it was a city of sin and depravity.”

“Lot offered his virgin daughters up for the people of Sodom to sleep with instead of the angels, but still, the Bible calls him a righteous man. And then he went on to sleep with his daughter while intoxicated, some say he was raped by them and others say he did it willingly. You can twist and turn this and argue some of it wasn’t done by his will… But it’s still a sin, so how come he can be a sinner and a righteous man if all sins lead to condemnation.”

“I’ve been told not to question the choices of God,” Jeongin said as his only defense. He too had always found that part a little… weird. Father Kim would have none of it and had made Jeongin repeat Our Father a good fifty times to make up for the blasphemy when he had questioned it as a teenager. 

“And we shouldn’t, and I do not question that God saw some good in Lot. If the Bible wants us to learn from his actions, we must also learn that even sinners and questionable people are His and can still be righteous,” Doyun said, his own eyes turning to the cross. “I think what God wanted us to learn from the tale of Sodom wasn’t that men shouldn’t lie with another man, but more that we should not turn strangers away. 

“Sodom was a big city in the desert, to come across it would have been a life savior, but they hated strangers, afraid to have their fortunes raided by armies. When God smote the city, well, he removed a city of greedy people who didn’t care for anyone but themselves,” Doyun said thoughtfully.

“But…” Jeongin wanted to argue, but it made sense. “That would mean…”

“That the Bible is against greed and corruption, indeed, there is a reason why Greed is a Capital Sin. So, of course, God would see it fit to smote a city full of greedy sinful people.” Doyun said, nodding his head. “This reading also makes more sense with how the tale is used later in the Bible. It’s not a tale of monogamous love between two men who love each other that is sinful, but rather a tale of men so greedy and evil that they would commit several horrible crimes to keep their wealth safe and strangers out.”

“Oh,” was all Jeongin could say. 

“The Bible was written ages ago. To expect it to answer all our problems today with a direct reading is a bit much. Besides, I’ve found that people can always twist words so they mean what they want them to mean. I just did it with the tale of Sodom, but who is right? My reading or someone else’s? In the end, only God will know,” Doyun said, his smile still kind as he looked at the golden cross.

“But why would you read it as a tale against homosexuality, if it’s about greed?” Jeongin asked, voice small in the huge and bright hall. 

“Because that reading was done at another time, by other people,” Doyun replied simply. “Besides, I don't think God stopped talking to us just because no more tales were added to the Bible. He sent us his son, a good man who embraced the sick, healed the blind, and allowed innocence to flock at his feet in the form of children. He asked us to be mindful of our own sin, before pointing it out within others.”

“Father Kim would have you pray for forgiveness for your blasphemy,” Jeongin said, though as he breathed out his chest felt lighter. 

“Many Catholics feel that way about reformists,” Doyun laughed, the sound filling up the room. “They seem to forget that before Martin Luther reformed the church, he too was a Catholic.”

“So, I can still be Christian and love a man?” Jeongin asked, turning so he could look Doyun in the eyes. The older man turned as well, meeting Jeongin’s eyes, unafraid. 

“I think love is beautiful, and I think love is the one thing God always wants us to have,” Doyun replied, eyes kind as he began to smile. “Jesus preached of love over and over again, and I personally don’t think God would hate, or condemn anyone, for finding true happiness with another human, no matter the gender.”

“Oh,” Jeongin said, head buzzing as he leaned back in his seat. “I will have to think about this,” he added with a frown, hand reaching up to touch his crucifix again. This time he pushed it gently to his chest. 

“You should read up on why Martin Luther wanted to reform the church,” Doyun said, getting up carefully. “And perhaps you should come here on Sunday. Service is at 10 a.m.”

“But, what if I have questions?” Jeongin asked, voice wobbling as he looked up. The light from above bathed Doyun in a soft ethereal light.

“You can come back,” Doyun replied simply. “I’ll be in my office most days. Just pop in and ask the first person you see to help you find me. My door is always open. Though I do think you’d enjoy mass here. You strike me as a man who likes music, and, if I do say so myself, our choir is one of the best,” he added, nodding a goodbye to Jeongin before leaving him alone in the church.

Jeongin ended up sitting there for an hour, just thinking. 

When he left the sun was shining brightly again.

oOo

Dear God…

Please forgive my anger

Please forgive my jealousy

Please… let me find myself

oOo

“You’ve been reading the Bible a lot,” Felix stated, settling into the spot next to Jeongin on the couch. Jeongin looked up, dropping his crucifix which he had been fidgeting with for a while. “Is something up?” Felix added in that way Jeongin knew meant Felix didn’t want to pry… except he did. 

“I’m just trying to figure something out,” Jeongin said, looking up briefly from his book, eyes settling curiously on Felix. “Actually, do you read the Bible as being against homosexuality?”

Felix leaned back, looking just a little taken aback by the questions.

“Ehhh,” he said, frowning as he thought about it a little. “I think part of it is, but I also don’t think I fully believe it’s as bad a sin as people make it out to be. Why?”

“I’ve been having a crisis of faith,” Jeongin said, looking down at the Bible again. “I didn't think I could live my life as a sinner, but at the same time, I have a hard time thinking loving someone can be a true sin.” Jeongin allowed his fingers to drift over the worn, almost see-through thin pages of his Bible.

“I can understand that,” Felix said softly, his hand gently reaching out and patting Jeongin on the knee. “I stopped going to church,” he said after a while. Jeongin looked up, but Felix’s eyes were on his own hands. 

“It didn’t feel right to go somewhere I wasn’t welcome,” he continued in a thin voice. “I don’t know why I haven't told you. But I just go hang out with Bin instead. I tried talking about it with him, but I don’t think…”

“- he fully understands,” Jeongin finished when Felix grew silent.

“No,” Felix said, leaning back on the couch, almost letting the pillows swallow up his small frame completely. “I miss it, though.”

“I haven’t confessed since before we made up,” Jeongin said, finger drumming on his Bible. “Haven’t received communion since either.”

“Oh, but isn’t that a big thing for you?” Felix asked curiously.

“Kinda,” Jeongin said with a shrug. “I just didn’t feel like confessing to kissing Hyunjin. Nor did I feel like confessing for doubting the word of God. I… I might actually start going to another church,” Jeongin said, eyes flickering to his hands and the Bible resting in them. It used to feel heavy, but the more Jeongin thought and the more he read, the lighter the holy book grew between his fingers. Doyun’s words had felt like a push towards a direction Jeongin hadn’t even known he could walk in, and now it seemed like his thoughts might not have been as doubtful as he had feared. His thoughts had simply been perceived as wrong by others.

“If it suits you better, you should,” Felix said with a kind smile. 

“You could come with me,” Jeongin said, reaching out to take Felix’s hand. 

“Maybe one day I will. I just don’t think I'm ready yet,” Felix replied carefully, letting his eyes travel around the room before eventually landing on the Bible in Jeongin’s hands.

“That’s fine,” Jeongin said, closing his Bible. “I think we might have gotten it wrong,” he added, almost apprehensively. “The word of God. I think we got it wrong and have been too stubborn to correct it.”

“I hope so,” Felix said, head flipping back as he looked up at their ceiling. “Wouldn’t that be nice, though? That there was room for us, too.” 

They were both silent for a while, lost to their own thoughts. 

“Bin is coming over soon,” Felix said suddenly, effectively pulling Jeongin out of his head.

“Ah,” Jeongin replied, looking down at his sweats and wondering if he could be bothered to change. “Don’t worry, I'll get out of your hair,” He said, jumping from the couch. He might stay in the sweats, but he definitely needed a fresh t-shirt. 

He was already on his phone texting Jisung if wanted to hang out when he heard Felix let out a frustrated sound.

“You could also, you know, stay,” Felix said, a little annoyed. 

“It’s fine. I was looking for a reason to get out anyways and look Jisung is bored,” Jeongin said waving his phone where Jisung had just said he was free. “I think I'll go bother his roommate again.” 

“You have to speak with Changbin at one point,” Felix yelled from the couch when Jeongin stuck his head into the closet. “What if I marry him?”

“Then I’ll be at the opposite end of the venue from him at all times. We all know Chan will be your best man anyways,” Jeongin quipped, pulling a fresh shirt over his head. “And I’m just doing what Changbin told me.”

“I really wish I knew exactly what he texted,” Felix said, frustration tainting his voice. “Do both of you need to be this damn stubborn?”

“I think that's one of the reasons you love us,” Jeongin said, picking up his bag and heading for the door. “Please keep the nasties in your room. I like the couch,” Jeongin yelled over his shoulder, ducking as an old sock flew his way.

“I’m getting Minho involved,” Felix threatened, another sock flying into the narrow hallway. 

“Go ahead,” Jeongin said, sticking his head back into the living room. “And I really don’t mind, Felix. You’re not kicking me out. I leave out of my own free will, you know.”

“You’re still annoying,” Felix huffed, sticking his tongue out like a child. 

“Whatever.” Jeongin mumbled under his breath with a smile. “Anyways, see you,” he said, hurrying out the door before Felix could pull his puppy dog eyes on him. When Jeongin spotted Changbin when he exited on the street a few moments later, he didn’t say anything, just turned the other way and texted Jisung to hear if he should bring snacks.

oOo

“You seemed very attentive,” Seojin said as she caught up to Jeongin. She was dressed nicely again and had her hair up in a pretty little bun. “I don't think I’ve ever seen you this invested in the text before,” she added, smiling kindly as she took Jeongin’s offered arm.

Hangyeol gave Jeongin a sour look which they both ignored as they made their way towards the bus stop. 

“I’ve recently had a revelation of such,” Jeongin said, thinking back to his conversation over a week ago with Doyun. “It made me realize I’ve never really thought about how many ways you can interpret the word of God.”

“Oh,” Seojin said, eyes lightening up as she turned to look at Jeongin. “So that is what changed,” she said a little cryptically. 

“What do you mean?” Jeongin asked, gently maneuvering both of them out of the way from a businessman yelling down his phone.

“Just, you used to be present and listening, always dressed like you've been told what to wear,” she said, voice a little hesitant. “Then you seemed a little lost for a while, just wearing whatever you seemed to have around, and now, well, now I feel like I understand who you are a bit better,” she added, eyeing the black jacket he was wearing over his hoodie.

It wasn’t as cool as Hyunjin’s leather one, but Jeongin liked it. 

“Hmm,” Jeongin hummed, eyes drifting away. “I suppose so.”

“I also like how visibly you bear your crucifix,” Seojin added with a shy smile directed at Jeongin, her eyes bright before they drifted down to where his crucifix was resting over his heart, hanging over his hoodie. “I do have a weakness for people who aren’t afraid to showcase their faith.”

Jeongin smiled awkwardly, getting the feeling she was flirting again. He wasn’t completely sure. 

They walked in comfortable silence for a moment, before Seojin let out a distressed sound.

“There he is again,” Seojin said, audibly confused. “The weird guy who keeps staring at you.” 

Jeongin looked up, once again meeting Hyunjin’s eyes. Hyunjin bit his lips shyly, waving his long elegant fingers at Jeongin. 

“Do you know him?” Seojin asked confused, eyes flickering to Jeongin. 

“Must have confused me with someone else,” Jeongin rushed out. “Ah, there’s your bus. Better hurry. I don’t want you to be cold. It’s almost November,” he hurried to say, breathing a sigh of relief when he was saved from answering. “I’ll see you next week,”

“Sure,” Seojin said, a little confused, but seemed flattered by Jeongin’s concern for her. “See you,” she said, hand lingering shortly on his arms before she made her way towards the bus and up the steps. Jeongin waved at her, waiting till she was out of sight before he turned to Hyunjin again. 

He had walked closer, smiling weakly at Jeongin. 

“Hi,” Hyunjin said when Jeongin didn’t offer any greeting of his own. 

“I thought, I told you to stay away from me,” Jeongin said, feeling that familiar anger in his chest again. 

“I know, I just…” Hyunjin muttered, eyes falling to his black leather boots. Of course, he looked handsome beyond belief in his perfectly ripped jeans, woolen coat, and high boots. Hell, if Jeongin hadn’t known better he would almost have believed Hyunjin had dressed up for the occasion.

There wasn’t even paint in his hair. 

“Wanted to say sorry?” Jeongin huffed when Hyunjin remained silent. He knew full well he was being unfair, but he was still feeling furious. That had been his first kiss after all, and most importantly Hyunjin had kissed Jeongin out of anger and had ruined the moment of true bliss Jeongin had felt when he had pulled back. 

Jeongin hated how the taste of sin was so delicious on his tongue, that even now, he could feel the desire to reach out and take a bite of the forbidden fruit. “Well, it’s a little too late for that,” he huffed, beginning to walk away. He had plans to go see Doyun today anyway. During Sunday service Jeongin had felt oddly relieved and had gone back to studying the Bible, feeling the need to uncover answers to his questions.

“Jeongin, please just…”  Hyungjin sighed, stopping just short of grabbing a hold of Jeongin’s shoulder as he turned around angrily. “I’m really sorry, and it’s tearing me apart, but if you don’t want to listen to me apologize, then that’s fine, I get that and honestly I wouldn't want to speak to me either, but at least talk to Chan. He feels awful. Same with Changbin.”

“You know, both of them know where I live, so if they want to talk, they could come and find me,” he sneered. He was already beginning to feel jittery, the need to write bubbling up in him again.

Hyunjin just brought out the worst in him.

“Would you listen to them, though?” Hyunjin asked, voice growing strained. “Changbin says you keep running away whenever he comes over.”

“Well, Changbin made his feelings for me perfectly clear,” Jeongin huffed, hands clenching at his sides. “Unlike you, I do what people tell me and stay the fuck out of their eyesight.” 

That at least made Hyunjin look down.

“What I did was horrible,” Hyunjin said, voice weak. When he looked up his eyes were watery and Jeongin’s heart hurt. It was so unfair. So unfair for this man to have so much power over him when Jeongin was nothing to him. 

It was unfair he got to be free when Jeongin had remained trapped. 

Jeongin made a noise of agreement. “I was willing to talk to you weeks ago. I wasn't the one planning ambushes, or springing a fucking kiss on someone as revenge. I can only do so much, Hyunjin, and honestly, I have enough shit to deal with right now, so excuse me,” he said, pushing Hyunjin out of the way and walking away.

A part of him wanted Hyunjin to stop him, to follow him, but he wasn’t surprised when he turned around and saw Hyunjin walk away.

Jeongin did go to Doyun’s church but instead of asking questions he just sat inside the church, his head running a mile a minute before he went home, words rushing from his fingers faster than he could type them into his computer. 

oOo

Jeongin slipped the t-shirt over his head, shaking his head to make his hair fall back into place. He looked at the mirror on the wall, tilting his head. He would need to get a haircut soon. It was longer than he had ever allowed it to grow before. His parents would probably have a heart attack if they saw the state of it, the same with his newly expanded wardrobe.

Moving closer to the mirror Jeongin looked himself over, Seojin’s words returning to his mind. He couldn’t deny she had a point. He had dropped the polo shirts completely and had slowly built himself a wardrobe out of second-hand shirts and goodwill hoodies, something Jisung had been more than happy to help out with. 

With his long hair, he looked a little less like his mother’s son, his eyes still the same though, but he thought they looked sharper now. More cunning than before. He blew a strand of hair out of his eyes, smiling softly at himself. 

He wasn’t quite there yet, but he was suddenly feeling a lot more comfortable in his own skin. He went over to his dresser, put his crucifix on, and gently took his rosary ring until he paused, blinking. 

He turned to look at the mirror and saw himself. He caught his reflection’s eyes and held it before he allowed his eyes to travel down to the ring held between two fingers. 

He couldn’t conjure change with the heavy weight of unspoken confessions, nor the burden of prayers bringing unwanted forgiveness for actions he himself didn’t deem sinful.

Jeongin held the ring in his palm before he closed his fingers around it. The metal was cold against his skin, colder than it usually was.  

He unfolded his hand, picked up the ring, and placed it gently on the dresser. His hands lingered briefly on the chain to his crucifix already hanging around his throat, the gold warming quickly under his fingers. With a last deep breath, he let go, picked up his bag, and left for his lecture, his heart feeling lighter. On his bedside table, the golden font of his bible was bright in the sunlight.

oOo

God, I think I understand everything a bit better now

I hope I am reading your words correctly now

I think…

I think I might be on the right path now

Chapter Text

While the rest of the visitors stood up and collected their things, Jeongin remained seated in the row of pews that had become almost familiar to him throughout the last couple of weeks. The families gathered their kids, while the few elderly hung around waiting for their friends to follow and accompany them on their way out of the church. It was an oddly lively sound that filled the church, and Jeongin couldn’t help but feel light as he looked up at the big gold cross. 

He closed his eyes, reveling in the light. 

The church was vastly different from any other he had ever been in. There was a lack of the beauty only found in stained glass windows, the sunlight lighting them up and casting a colorful light, but the chandeliers found here, and their bright light reflecting pure white light on the walls, was calming in a very foreign but comfortable way. The whole church was much more modern than Jeongin was used to, but somehow it just made it easier. 

Jeongin breathed in deeply and allowed the peaceful tranquility to wash over him, the feeling of being close to God, of being complete, filled him to even the darkest corners of his existence. 

The feeling of being human, flawed, and forgiven at the same time.  

Jeongin knew he should probably get up and get home soon. The few others he shared the row with had left long ago, and along with the fading noise it was clear that the church was almost empty by now. Only Jeongin was left, a solitary drifting soul at the end of a pew in the back. 

He didn’t feel like going home though. Felix had invited Changbin over and had talked about having Seungmin and Hyunjin over as well, meaning Jeongin didn’t really have anywhere to return to. Especially since Minho was with his dance crew and Jisung had a paper he had to finish. 

It was easier just sitting there, than acknowledging that his life was a mess and that he was still arguing with half of his friend group. Easier to bask in the feeling of being one with God, than face the fact that Jeongin was still mostly alone.

Quiet steps broke the silence of the nave.

“You’ve become quite the regular,” Doyun said as he gently sat down next to Jeongin.

Jeongin blinked his eyes open, and found to his surprise that the nave was indeed devoid of people and that he and Doyun were alone. Jeongin hadn't even noticed how silent the place had become, the last fading noise now completely gone.

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, with a shy smile. “It’s nice here. People are very sweet and welcoming. I like it a lot, much more than my old church. I even began to read up on Luther.” 

“And yet, you still look like you’re troubled,” Doyun said with a kind smile as he leaned back. He looked a little odd in his robes when Jeongin was so used to seeing him in his grandpa sweater.

“Oh,” Jeongin said, tugging a little at his shirt. Apparently, he was very transparent even to people who barely knew him. 

“We don't really do confessions here, but if something is bothering you, I could always offer some advice,” Doyun said carefully, sneaking a look at Jeongin. “After all, sometimes it’s the smallest rock in our shoes that hurts the most.”

Jeongin remained silent for a while, his crucifix twirling restlessly between his fingers. 

“I had a quarrel with my friends,” Jeongin finally admitted, feeling silly. Yet, somehow he continued. “Two of my best friends started dating. They thought I would be against it and kept it from me, and when I found out… I didn’t react nicely,” Jeongin said, words leaving him hesitantly. He felt embarrassed about his reaction, but at the same time, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it. He reacted because he was hurt, and, perhaps for the first time in his life, he felt that he could express his hurt without getting punished for it. He had been wrong, but at least he had allowed himself to be true to himself. He didn’t regret it. 

He simply chose to regret everything that went down afterward.

Unlike what Jeongin had expected, Doyun was waiting patiently, not asking him for more information. There was no digging at him to get the whole story, forcing words out that Jeongin didn’t want to share. Instead, he seemed content with what Jeongin wanted to give. 

“I actually behaved like an… idiot,” Jeongin admitted, eyes flickering to the cross briefly. “My friends decided that it was because I had a problem with my friends being together and not the fact that they lied to me,” he continued, every word easier than the last. “My friends are gay,” Jeongin finally admitted. “And they assumed I didn’t like they were together because of me being Catholic. Which I can't fault them for, because in the Catholic church them being together is wrong. It just never felt wrong to me. It didn’t feel sinful.”

Jeongin took a deep breath, tugging gently at his crucifix. 

“It was a little ironic to accuse me of being homophobic when I’m… gay myself,” he said, the confession still a bit strange to feel without pain and guilt following it. 

The golden cross shone lightly in the sunlight, a gentle reminder of something Jeongin wasn't quite sure of what was yet. 

“But my friends didn’t know that, of course, so they got really, really mad, and, well, things were said that shouldn’t have been said, and things happened that shouldn’t have happened, and now it's all a big mess, and I don’t know how to fix it,” Jeongin took in a deep breath, cold air filling his lungs. “I don’t know if I even want to fix it at all.”

Doyun was silent for a while as he allowed Jeongin to add more if he wanted. When Jeongin didn’t continue the story the priest nodded, looking thoughtful for a while.

“Your friends,” Doyun said eventually. “Do they make you happy?”

“They used to,” Jeongin replied, eyes falling to his lap. “They used to make me feel like myself. Like I was something more than what my parents had made me out to be. I love them,” he said with a sigh, looking up from his hands. “But it’s just like they barely know me,” he admitted, allowing the biggest stone on his heart to roll a little. “They got so angry and just turned on me without even giving me a chance to explain. Of course, there were circumstances that made it all worse, but in the end, it just felt like they decided who I was. And it just makes me so angry.”

“Anger is a funny feeling,” Doyun said with a wry smile, eyes following Jeongin’s to the cross over the althar. “Especially when we feel it's justified. And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing better than indignation. That feeling of knowing you've been wronged and you get to be angry about it is a powerful one. But, in the end, all anger will do is blind us, keep us in places we shouldn’t stay in.” 

He allowed Jeongin a few minutes to think before he continued.

“Jesus always told us to forgive the sins of others. If we cannot forgive others, then how can we expect God to forgive our sins?” Doyun said, words echoing softly in the huge space. “He didn’t ask us to forgive blindly, though, so have your friends shown remorse?”

“I suppose they have,” Jeongin answered reluctantly. “Some of them at least,” he added, feeling a little bad about just pushing Hyunjin away. Though, to his defense, it had barely been an apology. More a request for Jeongin to make Hyunjin’s life a little easier by forgiving Chan. Or so Jeongin presumed. 

But Jeongin had already forgiven Chan in a way, it was just difficult to face him. What was Jeongin even supposed to say to him? ‘Hi, I'm sorry you all thought I was an ass but perhaps you shouldn’t have jumped me on a shitty day, and started to tell me how much of an idiot I am before you at least asked me why I was mad in the first place?’.

“Do you want them to pay penance?” Doyun asked, sounding genuinely curious. “To pay for their wrongdoings?”

“No?” Jeongin replied, a little unsure. Did he? Did he want them to pay? 

In the same way he had to say a thousand Hail Mary and Our Father for being who he was, did he want them to pay back the same in apologies? Would Jeongin feel better if they suffered for forgiveness? And how would Jeongin know if they really were sorry? Jisung and Minho said they were, and Felix seemed convinced, but were they…

And did it make a difference? 

Jeongin had suffered because of them, and surely they also suffered because of Jeongin, but only because of misunderstandings. Because they allowed themselves to misunderstand Jeongin and misinterpret his words, albeit because he hadn’t shared certain pieces of information with them. But maybe, Jeongin had also misunderstood them along the way. 

Perhaps he had taken their hurt’s repercussions as hatred and hadn’t allowed them to explain before he had taken their words and twisted them, to mean something other than what they had meant.

Could they truly have committed the same crime, paid wound for wound and burn for burn?

Jeongin hadn’t given them a chance to explain themselves without interpreting it as a personal attack. Even Changbin’s hurtful words through text might have a reasonable explanation that Jeongin was too afraid to listen to, because what if he really meant it? What if the hatred shown in those messages were just an act of heated emotions following an action that had been misunderstood. 

Had they all just walked past each other, going different directions without knowing?

Jeongin’s head hurt.

“God asked us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. When He said that, He asked us to give them the same benefits we give ourselves. To want for them what we want for ourselves,” Doyun said calmly from beside Jeongin, pulling the conflicted youth from his thoughts, leaning back in the seat as he looked at Jeongin with those kind eyes of his. “Jesus said ‘ Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven .’ If you want them to forgive you for reacting badly, you have to give them the same courtesy.” 

Jeongin looked at the priest who just smiled at him. 

Perhaps Jeongin hadn’t really forgiven his friends for the hurt he experienced because of them. Maybe that was the reason he kept running away. He hadn't forgiven them in his heart. 

He wanted to. 

He just didn’t know how to.

“In the end, what you need to decide is; if you want to forgive them and let them back into your life, or; forgive them and move on without them,” Doyun said, reaching up to touch Jeongin’s shoulder gently. “Wrath will only blind you, and stunt your growth as a human. So before you do anything, you have to let go of your anger.”

“It’s not that easy,” Jeongin said with a grimace that made Doyun laugh. 

“It never is. If it was, Jesus wouldn’t have spent so much time telling us we had to do it. But in the end, he forgave those who crucified him. The people who made him suffer and made him feel so much pain. Because he knew they did what they thought was right, because they didn’t know better,” Doyun said gently. “From what you've told me, neither did your friends. Do them right by forgiving them for mistakes they didn’t know they were making. Let go of your anger and decide if you want them in your life, or if you’re better off without them,” he said, his eyes returning to the cross.

“You’re a good kid, Jeongin. I dare say better than a lot of people in this world, but you need to figure out what you want. You, and no one else. God may tell us to forgive, but He also tells us to let go. Anger won’t lead you anywhere. Sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is forgive and let go,” he added with a deep breath as he smiled at Jeongin, slowly moving towards the end of the pew. 

“Remember, God will love you regardless of any choice you make,” Doyun said before he got up, and threw a smile over his shoulder at Jeongin. “Nothing in all of creation will be able to separate you from the love of God.”

oOo

“You seem like you’re in a good mood lately,” Jisung said as he dumped himself into the seat next to Jeongin. Jeongin looked up from the novel he was reading, smiling at his friend. “Just look at that winning smile,” Jisung laughed with a bit of relief in his eyes.

“Just feeling better lately,” Jeongin said with a shrug as he leaned into Jisung’s side, basking in the heat. It was getting colder, November sneaking up on Jeongin like a monster hidden under his bed. “I dunno, I just figured out a few things.”

“I'm glad,” Jisung said, wrapping Jeongin up in his arms. “The Bible reading has had me a bit concerned lately,” he added, holding Jeongin close for a moment before letting go again. They both relaxed into the couch, the sounds of Minho getting dressed at the other end of the apartment mingling with the soft pop music playing from the speakers. 

They had picked Minho up directly after dance class and he had been in desperate need of a shower before their now almost weekly Saturday night hangout. 

“I’ve been trying to figure out some things,” Jeongin said, voice a little hesitant. He wasn’t sure if Jisung wanted to talk about religion with him. He had learned very few people liked to talk about it unless you agreed with their condemnation of others or had the same religion as themselves. 

At Jisung’s inquiring hum, Jeongin continued.

“The Bible has a lot of rules,” he started, mind buzzing on all the things he had read. “You can’t wear clothing of mixed fabric, for example. Out with that cotton mix fabric, you can’t wear that. My mother shouldn’t wear gold jewelry, yet she wears a gold crucifix. There are so many rules in this thing, and not even half of them is something we actually don’t adhere to,” Jeongin said, breathing deeply. “So, I wonder, why is homosexuality the one we keep bringing up?”

“I think, it’s because it is the one rule they do want to adhere to,” Jisung said calmly, tugging a little at Jeongin’s hair. “They don’t want you to love a man, because they think it’s wrong, and look, we have a passage that says it. Now it's forbidden. Then they can ignore all the other things in the same chapter that isn’t as important."

“It’s hypocritical,'' Jeongin huffed, leaning his head back while looking at the ceiling.

“I’ve learned that people just kind read what they want to read,” Jisung said, mirroring Jeongin. “They take what they want, and say it’s the gospel, and then ignore the line beneath it because it doesn’t work in their favor. You see it in politicians all the time. They say one thing, and then ignore the other half because it works against their agenda.”

“It's difficult. Because who says my reading is the right one when I might be the one reading it wrong, or maybe I’m missing some parts. I just… I don’t want to be a sinner,” Jeongin said, voice frail. 

“And you’re not,” Jisung said firmly. “Whatever any religion says, you’re a good person and I believe that's what matters the most. That you did good, tried to hurt as few people as possible, and said sorry when you fucked up.” 

“That’s very easy,” Jeongin laughed, thinking about the list of rules he was used to from his parents. 

“Why does life have to be hard?” Jisung countered, lifting his eyebrow. “Why must living be difficult, and how can pure romantic love be bad? I just don’t get the need to punish yourself over some book written ages ago. Love God, believe in Him all you want, but take some of that nonsense with a grain of salt.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Jeongin said, though his chest still felt light. “Oh, Mighty Jisung, Saint of Lost Catholic Boys, show me the way,” he teased, giggling when Jisung made a face.

“Way to make me sound like a creep,” Jising shuddered, scrunching up his nose.

“I’ve decided I’m too lazy to cook, so you’re getting pizza. Again,” Minho announced, waltzing into the living room, dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants, hair fluffy from having just been blow-dried. “I already ordered and everyone is getting their usual. It's what you all end up ordering anyway,” he smirked, gently setting down the bottle of soda and glasses he had gotten from the kitchen.

“Don’t you two look cozy,” Minho smiled, pouring all of them something to drink. “Am I third-wheeling again tonight?”

“I’d only date him to annoy his roommate,” Jeongin quipped, ducking as Jisung tried to kiss his cheek. “Would you stop?” He laughed, squirming as Jisung continued to try and kiss him. The other managed to plant a wet smooch on his cheek, and in retaliation, Jeongin went directly for Jisung’s sides and tickled him viciously, causing the other man to scream and fling himself out of harm's way. 

Jeongin divided after him, tickling Jisung while he kept on squealing.

He didn’t hear the door open nor did he hear the quiet footsteps that followed. It was only when he heard a cough that Jeongin looked over his shoulder, heart stuttering in his chest as Chan and Changbin looked down at him.

“Minho, I’m going to kill you,” Jeongin muttered as he untangled himself from Jisung - who at least looked as surprised as Jeongin felt - and pushed himself to the furthest corner of the couch, as long away from his former friends as he could get. 

“It wasn’t Minho’s idea,” Felix said, peeking out from behind Chan and Changbin. He bit his lips looking at Jeongin with remorse. “I just really didn’t see any other way to get you all in the same room without a revolt.”

“Besides, Chan finally got his balls back and admitted he was an idiot and that he should listen to me more,” Minho said with a shrug, clapping the seat next to him. “He even promised to follow my command from now on.” 

“I don’t remember agreeing to that part,” Chan said carefully, watching Jeongin like he was going to fracture at any moment. “Though I am sorry, Jeongin. I… Fuck, I messed up,” he said looking like a kicked puppy. 

Jeongin couldn’t quite meet his eyes.  

“Hyunjin and Seungmin should be here as well any minute now,” Minho added, giving up on Chan and just pulled the other man into the seat next to him. “So there is no point in running. We will all talk, clear the air, and have dinner,” He added with a smile at Jeongin. 

“It’s about time,” Minho continued, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly as he looked at the silent Jeongin. “And we all know you would have taken forever to get here. It’s not that they don't want to say sorry, Jeongin, it’s that they’re all afraid you won’t let them.” 

“I think everyone said what they needed to say,” Jeongin forced out, pressing himself as far away from the others as he could. Jisung at least made sure to stick close, allowing Jeongin something to hide behind. Still, he couldn't help but take one of Minho’s gaudy cat print couch cushions and press it to his stomach. 

He wanted to go home. 

“I don’t think this was the right way,” Jisung muttered, wrapping his arm around Jeongin as if he wanted to protect him. 

“Well, it’s how it's going to be. Plan A, B, C, and D failed, so now we’re going with Plan Forced Reconciliation, presented by yours truly,” Minho said with an air of finality. Though his eyes were soft as they looked at Jeongin, like he knew perfectly well he was being harsh. But Jeongin understood him. They were all his friends too, after all. It couldn’t be easy to be caught between them. “Now, everyone, sit the fuck down and behave,” he said just as the door opened and Seungmin walked in, Hyunjin hot on his heels. 

“Can I at least take my shoes off, Great Overlord?” Seungmin asked dryly, kicking off his shoes and adding them to the pile of sneakers by the door. “I was promised pizza and… Oh, Jeongin. Hi,” he said, coming to a halt as he walked into the room, Hyunjin crashing into his back.

Jeongin smiled weakly at them, ignoring how Hyunjin looked at him with big puppy eyes. Thankfully he hadn’t seen him since last week’s Bible study. 

“So, we’re having an intervention?” Seungmin asked with a sigh as he dragged Hyunjin into the room, forcing him past Changbin and Felix who were still hovering at the door. “A heads up would have been nice. Might have given me a chance to figure out what to say,” he continued, pushing Hyunjin into the seat next to Minho and Chan before sitting down next to Jisung. 

“Why don't you two sit down as well,” Seungmin said, looking at Changbin and Felix. “We might as well do this now we’re all together. It’s what you’ve all wanted to do for weeks anyways,” Seungmin finished, leaning back. Jeongin didn’t miss how his fingers were twitching nervously on the armrest. 

“I’ll need a drink,” Changbin said, leaving for the kitchen. Felix rolled his eyes and sat down on the pillow on the floor trying to catch Jeongin's eyes and failing. The silence was suffocating, only the sound of Changbin messing about in the kitchen filling the room.

When he came back he carried two bottles of alcohol, a stack of glasses, and more soda. They all watched as he sat next to Felix, poured a good about into the glass, and took a gulp. They all just looked around, clearly waiting for someone to say something.

Jeongin turned his head and looked out the window. 

“Okay, fine,” Seungmin said when the silence just dragged on. “I’ll start, then. I’m sorry, Jeongin, for being a massive idiot and assuming you hated Felix. In my defense, you have said some kinda questionable things in the past, and then you just left without saying a word. I’m sorry for making assumptions about you, and then not having faith in you to not be like what I feared. I am sorry, truly, I messed up and for that I apologize,” he finished, hands fidgeting nervously in his lap. His words were full of sincerity making  Jeongin feel a bit hopeful. "I really do feel regretful, and I am ashamed of my behaviour."

“Marvelous apology,”  Minho commented dryly, clapping his hands before sticking his elbow into Chan’s ribs. “You’re next. You can stop looking at me like that, Chan. Fess up, you’ve been sobbing into my pillows for days. Now, do something about it. I’ve said my shit and gotten my absolution.”

“That was such a bad joke,” Jisung muttered, hiding his face in Jeongin’s neck. 

“This is also not how confession works,” Hyunjin added, eyes flickering to Jeongin and away again. “There’s a lot more prayer involved. And verbal abuse, if you’re like me.”

“You know what, maybe we just shouldn’t do this,” Jeongin said, eyes still on the window. It was easier than looking at the others. This way they couldn’t see his eyes either. “Like, I get why you might have thought I was mad at Felix for being gay, but I still think it’s idiotic how not one of you thought I might just have been pissed off for having been lied to and kept on the outside about something deeply personal concerning my best friend,” Jeongin said, crossing his arms over the pillow hiding some of him. He wanted to get away from here, away from the pressing atmosphere that reminded him a bit too much of his childhood home, and away from conflict. 

Conflict never ended well when Jeongin was involved, and it never ended well for him specifically.

“But you have to admit you’ve said some harsh things about being gay,” Chan finally said, voice a little rough as he looked over at Jeongin with big hurt eyes. “Like calling it a sin isn’t exactly the easiest thing to hear about one’s sexuality, especially when you know Felix is religious as well. It’s unfair. Felix was really hurt, not to mention Changbin, when you reacted in the exact way they had feared you would. So, yeah, I jumped to the conclusion of you being a homophobe because it matched your actions. It just seemed like the only reason why you’d suddenly cut us out,” Chan breathed deeply, eyes on his feet.

“I’m not proud of what I did. I should have listened to Minho and tried to talk with you in a calmer way, and should have been more open about why you might act as you did. I wasn’t very kind, and for that I am sorry,” Chan said, words a rush as he looked up, eyes a little red. “But, you just have to understand what it felt like on our side. Not as an excuse, but as an explanation.”

Jeongin closed his eyes, thinking of what Doyun had told him last week. He just wasn’t ready to decide yet. Forgiving sounded so easy, but it was difficult. Almost impossible with how the anger was still burning in his chest, only fueled by the indication from Chan’s and Seungmin’s apologies. 

“I really don’t care what people do with each other, Chan,” Jeongin sighed, trying to stay calm. He really should have said yes yesterday when Yedam had invited him to a party. Drunk handsy people would have been better than this. “And have any of you ever thought about the fact that I was repeating the things I was told myself. Growing up everything that didn’t align with our faith was wrong and sinful. I was taught it was wrong. Being gay is sinful, and I can’t change that, even though it hurts to say such words.”

“Yeah, but you’re not gay,” Hyunjin scoffed, the whole room getting quiet as everyone suddenly looked everywhere else, feeling a little uncomfortable. “It’s different when you’re gay and kept being told your love is a sin. Sorry, Jeongin, but you just don’t understand how damaging that is to you,” he added accusingly. Changbin hummed in agreement, Felix giving him an elbow in the side. 

Jeongin finally tore his eyes away from the window and stared into the room.

So no one had told them.

“Jeongin,” Jisung said with a tight voice when he felt Jeongin stiffen against his side. “You don’t have to,” he added, gently caressing his shoulder.

“No more lies, remember?” Jeongin said, lifting his eyebrow as he turned to look Hyunjin directly in the eyes. “There is one fatal flaw in your argument, Hyunjin… I am gay,” Jeongin said allowing the statement to hang in the air for a second before he continued. The shock in Hyunjin’s eyes only fed into the dark and hungry feeling in Jeongin’s chest. 

Changbin made an odd sound, looking at Felix and then back at Jeongin, eyes wide with surprise. 

“I know exactly how damaging those words are considering all those things have been told to me since I was thirteen and confessed that I wanted to kiss a boy,” Jeongin said, voice hard as he looked mercilessly into Hyunjin’s eyes. “I dare say, I know how damaging those words are to you more than anyone in this room.”

It should have felt better though. To be mean. To give them the same anger they had shown him. And sure, his anger was still there, and it did feel good to see them all stare at him knowing how much they had fucked up. But it also made him feel empty. Because in the end, it didn’t matter. 

This changed nothing. 

“So excuse me for being fucked in the head, Hyunjin, I’m sorry we can't all be out. I know it’s bullshit, but I was just trying to live. Sometimes to survive, you can't be yourself. And calling me an asshole and kissing me before marching off doesn't exactly help the discussion either, does it? What do you want me to take from that? That you wanted me to be forced to sin? As if that would change anything.”

Hyunjin looked back at him with large eyes.

“Wait, you were the one kissing Hyunjin, though,” Chan said, almost jumping back when Jeongin turned to look at him. “But you were,” he defended himself weakly, looking at Changbin who was still staring at Jeongin with huge eyes, glass just hovering in the air from where he had meant to take a sip. 

“It wasn’t me who kissed him first,” Jeongin said harshly. “I don't kick people in the balls just for fun.” 

“Wait, what do you mean Hyunjin kissed you first?” Jisung said a dangerous edge to his words. “Before that time in front of our music lecture?”

“I might have kissed Jeongin when he came back,” Hyunjin said, eyes on his feet as all of them stared at him, except Seungmin who was diplomatically quiet as always. “Before he left the group chat,” he added, eyes closing.

The whole room exploded as Minho started yelling and Jisung jumped from the couch, throwing a cushion at Hyunjin’s head as Chan began to look a little pale. Jeongin just leaned back on the couch, his head hurting. Felix jumped right into the argument, while Changbin began to add his own comments here and there, sipping on his drink heavily.

“ENOUGH!” Jeongin finally yelled, the whole room going quiet in an instant. “I already kicked him in the balls for it. I think that was enough punishment for stealing my first kiss.”

“That was your first…” Hyunjin said, voice strangled as he barely managed to dodge when another pillow was thrown his way, this time by Felix who was being held back by Changbin. 

“Quite romantic to tell me to go burn in hell,” Jeongin added dryly, crossing arms over the pillow, eyes returning to the window. 

“Asshole,” Minho chided, gently tapping the top of Hyunjin’s head like he was tapping his cat for being dumb. “Really, you lost your temper that much? Be happy I wasn't the one kicking you in the balls.”

“It was quite epic though,” Jisung said, eyes on Jeongin as he stared out the window. 

“Anyways, the reason I went missing in action was because I was home for Chuseok. If it helps, I had a miserable time being home and both my mom and brother have figured out I'm gay, even though I’ve tried to hide it for years. Both of them gave me a whole speech about staying in the closet,” Jeongin said, staring out the window. “And if my father hadn't taken my phone, I would have texted you back, but he seems to think you’re all corrupting me.” 

“Well, we are,” Jisung said, hugging Jeongin close. “Hyunjin more than the rest of us, it seems," he added in a hushed voice.

“I'm so fucking sorry,” Chan suddenly said, wringing his hands in his lap. “Fuck, I think we all fucked up. We should have let you speak, we should have listened, and, fuck, Hyunie, you can’t just kiss people as a form of revenge. Jeongin, I’m so sorry that I forced you into coming out in front of me and Seungmin when you weren’t ready. That was a shit thing to do to you. But… I hope you know that doesn’t change anything. If anything, I feel like I finally understand you.”

“I think we all did and said things we regret,” Seungmin said, eyes on Chan who looked like he was five seconds away from coming apart at the seams. “And we can either decide to let that drag us apart, or make us stronger as a group. I, for one, would hate to lose you as a friend. I think we all in general could have handled the whole thing better. No secrets, no accusations, and no misunderstandings.”

“I think you forget it wasn’t me who kicked me out of the group chat, nor was it me who went on a rampage in my text messages,” Jeongin said bitterly, closing his eyes. He was not going to cry. He was not. “And I honestly don’t even know what you want me to say sorry for. I really thought that acting on your lust and desires for other men was wrong. It wasn’t something I wanted to judge you by, but something I said to remind myself why I couldn’t just do what I wanted. I never meant those words to sound like that to you.”

“And what do you believe now?” Chan asked, tilting his head as he looked at Jeongin. “Do you still think you’re sinful? That Felix and Changbin’s relationship is wrong?” he added, voice curious even if it was a heavy question to throw at someone. 

Jeongin once again thought about last Sunday in church, when it had just been him all alone with his thoughts and God.

“I don't know,” Jeong said truthfully, turning his head to look at the one person he had always expected to be on his side. How wrong he had been. Because if he was honest, it was Chan’s anger that had hurt the most. The one he had least expected, as well.

The forgiveness that felt the hardest to grant. 

“I know the Bible is full of rules,” Jeongin continued before the silence between them was allowed to grow. “Half of them we don’t follow. But being with one of the same sex is much more important even if it’s in there with rules about not planting the same crop on a field and wearing mixed fabrics.” 

Jeongin allowed his eyes to drift back to the window, feeling too self-conscious to continue while still looking Chan in the eyes. 

“I know, I can never tell my family if I find someone I love, can never be married before God, can never be the person I was raised to be,” he said, sadness filling his voice. “But I also know I am miserable. And perhaps it's a lesser sin to love someone than to hate myself.”

The room got quiet, all of them not sure what to say to that. 

In the end, they didn’t have to, because the pizza chose that moment to show up, finally giving all of them something else to think and talk about.

oOo

To say it was a tense evening was an understatement if you asked Jeongin. While the worst seemed to be over after the pizza had arrived, it was clear that nothing had been okay and at present wasn’t. Seungmin at least acted as he always did and had seemingly decided that he had forgiven Jeongin, and so Jeongin must have also forgiven him.

When he saw the opportunity Seungmin had gotten Jeongin to sit between him and Jisung, dragging Jeongin back into the conversation whenever he tried to escape. 

Jeongin didn’t know whether to be grateful or annoyed, so he settled on just surrendering. Doyun had said he should forgive them. Or at least give them the same liberties as he wished they had given him.

As it turned out, it wasn’t as hard as Jeongin had feared.

Chan tried, he really did, joining in on Minho and Felix’s fake cheer slowly. And well, Jeongin wanted to be mad, but it was very difficult when Chan kept looking at him like a kicked puppy. When Minho had pushed Jeongin into Chan’s arms while they were cleaning up after the pizza - of which there wasn't enough because they still refused to listen to Jeongin's perfect logic - he had accepted the hug and Chan’s teary apologies. 

Anger was a sin, if a human one. As nice and fulfilling the anger had been, Jeongin had to admit he felt a lot lighter having decided to just forgive. He guessed God had been on to something when He told people to let go. 

It did make him feel better. 

It wasn’t a hard choice to make. Being back with his friends he realized just how much he had missed them. How the distance between them had become a physical ache he only noticed after it was gone. Jeongin couldn’t live without them. At least that was clear. And if he wanted to be in their life he had to let the anger and frustration go. 

Forgive them completely.

And, yeah, he and Chan weren't perfect. He was sure there would be more to talk about later, but for now, it was okay. They could talk, and while the laughing was strained and a little forced, they were present. Same with Seungmin. It was hard, but it could only get better. And he couldn't be mad about them not knowing who Jeongin was if he didn’t let them in. 

It was one step. 

Jeongin could take the next one if need be. 

Hyunjin had been very quiet, eyes flickering to Jeongin constantly. His gaze was like a branding iron, burning into Jeongin’s skin and leaving permanent marks. Jeongin understood Hyunjin was sorry. He didn’t want to stay mad at him, but he couldn’t talk to him. It wasn’t like they had been anything but strangers, so Jeongin just treated him like that. A stranger.

Still, it hurt.

It hurt to see Hyunjin look at him with those big eyes. It hurt to be reminded of how much Jeongin still loved the boy who had dragged him into damnation as a teen. It hurt to look at something he wanted but couldn’t have.

What a fucked up tragedy it was that Hyunjin had ended up being Jeongin’s first kiss.

oOo

Jeongin finally managed to sneak away to the kitchen a while later, leaning against the kitchen counter as he breathed. His head was beginning to hurt a little from the tension, but he couldn't help but smile as he heard Jisung yell something at Seungmin while Minho grumbled annoyed at their antics. 

He couldn’t stop himself from closing his eyes and just taking it in. He had thought that he would never get to hear this again, the loud refined chaos that was his friends. 

“Erhh,” Jeongin jumped, eyes wide as he looked at Changbin. In the living room, the others were still talking, but it was in the way that made it clear they were listening in. “I… I'm-”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Jeongin interrupted, his smile falling off his face as he crossed his arms. “I get that Felix is forcing you, but I already told him it was fine. I’ll stay away. Besides we won't be living-”

“Now you’re just being unfair,” Changbin said, voice rough as he too leaned against the counter, eyes on his sock-clad feet. “I’ve been trying to say sorry for a really long time and you just won't let me. I’ve seen you escape out of your apartment building every time I was on my way over,” Changbin said, voice gruff. Whether it was from disappointment or anger, Jeongin wasn’t sure.

“And I see how you turn away from the café on campus if you see us,” he added, arms tense as they folded around his chest. “You can’t keep running and refuse to let us apologize. You did the same earlier and it’s a shit thing considering you got mad at us for making assumptions.”

Jeongin didn’t have anything to say to that, so he just looked away, finding the dark view outside Minho’s kitchen window endlessly interesting.

“Fuck, that wasn’t what I wanted to say,” Changbin sighed, pinching his brows. “I'm sorry,” he finally settled on, taking a deep breath. “I said some fucked up shit in the heat of the moment, and I really shouldn’t have because, fuck, you’re one of my best friends, and you’re right, I should have known better. Or I should have at least given you the chance to explain yourself before I went and said that shit.”

“I hurt Felix,” Jeongin said, knowing it was the truth.

“And we hurt you,” Changbin said with a shrug. “An eye for an eye.”

“Will make the whole world blind,”  Jeongin finished for him with a wry smile. “Have we blinded each other, Changbin?”

“I think we have,” he said, looking up at Jeongin, eyes sad. “Because that in there might be the love of my life and somehow we both managed to make him cry. So, I'm sorry. I really shouldn’t have written that to you.”

“So when you said you wanted to st-”

“Yes, it was me being an idiot,” Changbin breathed deeply, closing his eyes. “I have no idea what the fuck I was even thinking writing that. And it’s okay if you can’t forgive it. That was some fucked up shit…I’ve just seen Felix struggle so much with figuring out how to tell people, and to see you react exactly as he feared, well, it sucked.”

“It just felt like you didn’t know me at all,” Jeongin said, eyes back on his feet. “After you dragged Hyunjin here, I tried so hard not to get in the way and make him uncomfortable, and somehow you all just turned it into me hating him for being gay. Then you lie to me for months and it's all my fault because if I just accepted you were gay there wouldn’t have been a problem. And then you text me telling me to-”

“Yeah, I was horrible,” Changbin interrupted. “We all were. And I get it. If I’d been in your shoes, I might have thought the same… but can you tell me if you’d been in mine you wouldn’t have jumped to the same conclusions?”

“I would hope not,” Jeongin scoffed, lifting his eyes to glare at Changbin. “I hope, I would have at least given you the benefit of the doubt, and not kicked you out of the only group of people who seem to care about you,” Jeongin looked away feeling those fucking tears try and press on again. 

“I don’t know how to tell any of you that I care about you. That I… love you,” Jeongin finally said, voice frail. “I never learned how to do that. It’s not something we do in my family. But I could never hate you. Not like how you all were so ready to hate me, and that fucking hurt, Changbin.” 

Jeongin pushed away from the counter, turning so Changbin could only see his back. 

“Innie,” Changbin said behind him. He could hear him walk closer, but Jeongin couldn’t take any more. He sidestepped his arms and walked into the hallway and back into the living room that was now completely silent, having seemingly given up on pretending not to listen in.

“I get you’re all sorry, and so am I, but what a lot of you did was cruel. I can’t just get over it. I know I'm not even a little bit better, but at least I was ready to talk when I was back from Busan. None of you gave me a chance back then. You had already condemned me. Fuck, I’d forgiven Felix by the time I arrived in Busan,” Jeongin breathed in deeply, eyes on his toes. He knew he should tell them he was leaving, that he would be moving home after Christmas. He knew they deserved to know, but he couldn’t get the words out. 

He wanted to cry again.

“I'm going to the bathroom,” he said, turning around, ignoring Changbin who just looked at him with sad eyes and locked himself away, finally allowing the tears to fall as he muffled his sobs with a towel. 

oOo

Jeongin wasn't sure how long he was in the bathroom, but thankfully no one said anything when he returned. They didn’t even comment on his red-rimmed eyes and wet face. Instead, Jisung just took him into his arms, holding him close while Minho handed Chan’s ass to him in poker and Hyunjin ended up owing Seungmin six cups of coffee. 

Things got easier slowly as the night progressed. Their laughs got lighter and less strained, their smiles came a little easier and slowly but surely it became better. Jeongin looked at his friends from his safe spot, glued to Jisung’s side. 

He wasn't sure they would all be okay, but somehow it didn’t look hopeless anymore. He was even able to talk with Changbin a little, even if was a little stilted. Perhaps they couldn’t go back to what they had before, but that was okay. 

Absolution had never been about returning oneself to the one you were before, but learning from your mistakes and repenting your wrongs so you could become better, someone more worthy. It wouldn’t be perfect, but it was a step in the right direction. 

“Hyunjin keeps looking at you,” Jisung suddenly whispered in Jeongin’s ear. Jeongin blinked, eyes flickering to Hyunjin who chose that moment to hurriedly look away. “Did you tell him he was your famous first crush?” Jisung asked, making sure he was so quiet no one else could hear him.

“No,” Jeongin whispered back, just as quietly. He couldn’t help but watch Hyunjin. He was beautiful leaning against the couch, cards in hand as he vigorously denied having any fives and told Seungmin to go fish. “You can’t tell him either,” Jeongin added, a little bit of dread settling in his chest at the idea of Hyunjin finding out. 

“I won’t,” Jisung promised, leaning his head against Jeongin. “And neither will Minho,” he added softly. “We’ll look out for you. Who else will I use to drive my roommate crazy?” He added with a giggle. 

“What are the two of you whispering about?” Minho asked, eyes narrowed as he brought everyone’s attention to Jisung and Jeongin. 

“About when Changbin will propose to Felix,” Jisung grinned, clearly enjoying how both Felix and Changbin began to sputter. 

“We've been together barely half a year,” Changbin stuttered, ears getting red. “Isn’t it a bit early?” he asked, confused eyes turning to Felix who looked equally flustered. 

“Aww, cute,” Minho said, leaning heavily on Chan, making the older man blush. “I'm just glad you can finally be out and honest about it. All that secrecy wasn’t good for anyone,” he added with a look in Jeongin’s direction. 

“Now, I also know that I need to knock before entering the studio,” Jisung said with a devious smile, clearly enjoying seeing their friends squirm. “What do you say, Jeongin, don’t they look cute?”

Jeongin tilted his head to the side studying them, a smile sneaking onto his lips. 

“Felix does a lot, but I still think Changbin is dragging them down a bit,” he added with a smirk, chest feeling so light, it might float away as the others began to laugh. 

“Rude,” Changbin huffed, but Felix was quick to place a peck on his cheek while whispering; “I think you’re the cutest one in our relationship.”

Jeongin leaned over, taking Felix's hand and holding it in his. “ Amor Vincit Omnia. ” The Latin slipped easily from his lips, practiced from prayers and grace. And somehow it did feel like a prayer. A prayer that Felix's love would overcome anything. That they would be happy. He held his breath, raising his eyes to look at Felix, smiling kindly. 

“Deus te benedicat ,” Jeongin said to them, feeling a little like he had one foot in the Catholic tradition and one foot in the Protestant enlightenment. And perhaps that was okay. That he was some of the old Jeongin while also being more of what he had suppressed for years. 

He smiled brightly at Felix, his heart feeling light again. 

“That was officially my blessing. Can you stop pouting now?” he added, letting Felix's fingers slip from his hand as he leaned back into Jisung’s arms. “I'm not a priest, I can't marry you, so don’t worry,” he added with a wink that made Changbin choke on air. 

“You know Latin?” Hyunjin asked, voice as little strained as he looked up at Jeongin. 

“Yes, my mother wanted me to learn it. She said I wouldn't get anywhere as a doctor without being able to use it comfortably. Besides, I usually attend Latin mass,” he added with a shrug. “It’s not that difficult,” he added, closing his eyes. 

His thumb pressed against his index finger, only then remembering he had taken off his rosary ring a week ago.

“Ave Maria, gratia plena …” he said the rest of the prayer, the words rolling off his tongue effortlessly. After all, Jeongin had been asked to repeat it many, many times as penance. “ Amen ,” Jeongin breathed as the prayer finished, eyes to the ceiling as he said the words, thump pressed to where his ring used to be. 

It was easier than it had been in years, the words finally feeling a little light again. 

The room was oddly quiet as he looked down, catching all of them staring at him. 

“What?” he asked, lifting an eyebrow. “It’s just Hail Mary?” 

“That sounded beautiful,” Chan said with a kind smile. “That’s all, Jeongin. It just sounded beautiful.” 

Jeongin looked down, cheeks a little warm but he didn’t miss how Hyunjin was looking at him, an unreadable look in his eyes. 

It almost looked like determination.

Chapter Text

It was late when Jeongin had finally disappeared into Minho’s room, claiming to have a headache in order to escape. He was going to stay there with Jisung anyway since he knew Felix was about to drag Changbin home with him, and, well, Jeongin was not going to sleep considering how handsy the two of them had gotten as the night progressed.

He relaxed into the pillows, happy Minho had already lent him a pair of sweats along with one of Chan’s huge t-shirts that had ‘mysteriously’ ended up in Minho’s laundry.

Jeongin wondered when either of them wanted to act on their respective crushes for each other. With Changbin and Felix already together, it wouldn’t be that odd to have another couple in the little family of friends. And honestly, if they could survive almost tearing themselves apart like they had over this mess with Jeongin, then he was pretty sure they could all survive a breakup.

Not that Jeongin feared that. Both Felix and Changbin seemed like the kind of settling-for-life kind of people. Minho seemed like the type who would never give up what was his, and, well, Chan had been weak for the man long before Jeongin had even met the two of them.

Jeongin picked up his crucifix from where it was resting on his chest. He wondered what they would all say when he moved back home. He knew Jisung and Minho were against it, and they had tried talking with Jeongin about it several times. But it was hard. If Jeongin didn't move he would go against his parents. He also couldn’t come out to them, in an orderly manner, nor could he bring home a partner and show them he had found love in someone. He would risk losing them, and in the worst-case scenario they would cut him off completely and he would miss out on his brothers’ lives. He couldn’t do that. Despite everything, he still carried some form of love for his parents, and his brothers hadn’t harmed him in any intentional way, so to risk losing them all for his own selfish gain seemed immoral.

On the other hand, if he moved home, Jeongin would lose his friends here. Sure, they would only be a good three hours away if he took the fast train, but he had seen friendships fall apart with less distance. He was also pretty sure his mother wouldn’t allow him to go back to Seoul, finding a myriad of excuses to make him stay. Make him miss his train, confiscate his phone permanently, keep him hidden, away, and controlled. 

But if he stayed he would keep his friends and the possibility of finding inner peace. He could take the fight with his mom, hope for the best and take the consequences, stay in Seoul, be happy, and maybe… maybe one day, Jeongin would be sitting in the other room, holding his partner's hand, getting red-cheeked from the others’ teasing.

Perhaps, Jeongin should be selfish and try something new. Start anew.

It seemed so easy… and yet it felt as if Jeongin was moving a mountain. 

“You okay?” Hyunjin’s voice sounded from the door. Jeongin almost jumped off the bed, so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t heard anyone approach. He sat up, looked at Hyunjin, his heart beating a mile a minute.

“I'm fine,” Jeongin said, a little strangled, which only made Hyunjin chuckle as he entered the room, gently closing the door behind him. Jeongin looked at him, lifting an eyebrow. “What do you want?” He wasn’t quite able to keep his apprehension out of his voice, but Hyunjin didn't seem to mind as he gently sat down at the edge of Minho's bed. 

Fuck, Jeongin thought. Hyunjin was gorgeous as ever, even in a big sweater, no makeup, and a pair of worn jeans. His hair was down, falling into his eyes and making him look so soft Jeongin just wanted to reach out and touch him.

But Jeongin couldn’t.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Hyunjin said, nervously pushing the ring on his index finger in circles with his thumb. “You didn’t really allow me to say too much the last time.”

“Is it jump-Jeongin-day today or something?” Jeongin sighed, falling down on the pillows. They sighed deeply on his behalf. “Seriously,” he muttered to the ceiling.

“I didn’t check my calendar, but it might be,” Hyunjin said weakly, his smile never quite reaching his eyes. “But joking aside, I just feel like I need to clear the air between us. I want to do this properly.”

“You already said sorry,” Jeongin said, eyes on the ceiling. It hurt to look at Hyunjin for too long. Really after all this one would think his heart had gotten over his silly little crush. But no, because it was Jeongin, his crush might actually have gotten deeper. 

God couldn’t possibly fault him for falling for such a kind, creative, confident, and lovely person like Hyunjin. If He had wanted Jeongin to stay chaste and closeted perhaps he just shouldn’t have brought Hyunjin back into his life.

“I didn’t really though, did I?” Hyunjin said with a huff, his ring twirling around and around his finger. “I think I was so convinced you had to be exactly like my parents that I pushed you away. It helped build this idea of you being terrible and judgemental when… when in reality you’re just like me.”

Jeongin’s hand tightened around the pillow under his hand.

“Would you be saying all this if I wasn’t gay?” Jeongin said without being able to stop himself. Hyunjin startled and looked at Jeongin like he had grown a second head. And perhaps he had. But he didn’t want to be forgiven because of his secrets. He had apologized for his words, he had made his penance. If he was granted forgiveness, it should be because they accepted his apology, not because he was suddenly a victim.

“No?” Hyunjin said, tilting his head to the side like he hoped that somehow would make Jeongin make more sense. “I wouldn’t… No.” He finally settled on, crossing his arms as he stared exasperatedly at Jeongin. “I'm just trying to say sorry,” Hyunjin said, taking a deep breath. “I don’t care that you’re gay. I can’t say it doesn’t matter, because I do understand you a lot better and-”

“Because we’re the same we suddenly have to be friends?” Jeongin asked dryly, only earning himself another sigh. 

“No,” Hyunjin said in surrender. “We don’t have to be anything. I’m sorry about the kiss, okay? I was a dumb fuck, and I wish I hadn’t completely fucked over your first kiss. If I could go back I’d do a whole lot different because let's face it, we both have a past together and whether we wanted to or not. We seem to have dragged whatever misconceptions into our friendship now.”

“We’re not friends,” Jeongin said feeling sorry about his harsh words when he watched Hyunjin wince. Still, he didn’t pull them back. “And I don’t think we can be.” Jeongin wished he was lying, but deep down he knew he couldn’t really be friends with Hyunjin as things were now. He was more or less convinced Hyunjin only did this so the others would stop being mad at him. He wasn’t being kind to Jeongin because he wanted to. Jeongin didn’t believe that.

Besides, it was high time Jeongin let him go. That’s what Doyun had told him. Figure out if he needed them in his life, or let them go. And Jeongin had to let Hyunjin go. He couldn’t live without his friends, he knew that now. But he could live without Hyunjin. He had mourned him for three years already. He had already let him go once. 

He had to let the image he had of Hyunjin die, and to let that silly love he had kept so close to his heart go. It was dumb to carry around feelings from when he was a teen.

Jeongin wasn’t a kid anymore. 

His love wasn’t pure and naive, it was rough and all-consuming, and if he didn’t let it go, it would eat him up leaving nothing for others. And Jeongin wanted there to be others, he realized. Wanted there to be people like Yedam who could be more, more than a dream, more than the foolish idolization of a dead boy. 

Jeongin wanted to live. He wanted to be a good Christian, a good friend, and more than anything, he wanted to be happy. He wanted to be himself. Sinful, imperfect, and a mess, but a good person. 

To be worthy of God’s love in his own way. 

And if he wanted that, he had to let Hyunjin go. To let go of the one person he always tried to convince himself was the only one worthy of all his love. Jeongin had such a big heart, and he wanted to love, but he couldn’t allow himself to love unrequitedly. 

And that is what his love for Hyunjin would forever be. Unrequited.

“But…” Hyunjin trailed off, looking taken aback by Jeongin’s harsh words. “What?” He asked, finally looking at Jeongin with wide eyes. He looked hurt, a little betrayed even. But Jeongin had to. 

It was time to forgive Hyunjin for dying, but to do that he had to carve him out of his heart once and for all.

Some knots just couldn't be left untangled. 

“I think we should just be strangers, Hyunjin. You’re friends with my friends, I'm friends with your friends. Today we barely even talked,” Jeongin said, forcing faux reason into his own words. “So when you see me, just ignore me, Hyunjin. Treat me like a stranger. Like someone you only barely know.” 

Jeongin breathed in deeply, clutching his crucifix so hard it hurt. 

“I love every single person in the other room. They can hurt me, and tear me to pieces, but I love them to death. And I can’t…. I can’t risk another argument that tears us apart, and, Hyunjin, when you look at me, you still see Jeongin who used to sing, the good little Catholic boy.” 

Jeongin sat up, curling up on the bed so he took up as little space as he could. 

“When I look at you I still see a dead boy,” he admitted - or lied, Jeongin wasn't sure. His eyes were downcast, crucifix pressing painfully into his palm. “And it’s not fair to either of us. So, Hyunjin, let's just be strangers,” he said, eyes lifting to meet Hyunjin’s beautiful gaze. 

Dear God, he loved him so much. 

“Okay,” Hyunjin said, roughly running a hand through his hair, voice cold as he got up from the bed. “We’re strangers,” he agreed, turning and walking out the door, closing it tightly after him as he left. Jeongin fell back on the bed, tears finally escaping as he looked to the ceiling, his heart feeling like it had been broken into a thousand pieces. 

The room suddenly felt cold. 

oOo

Jeongin hesitated, the door before him feeling more intimidating than a standard apartment door ought to be. His hands were shaking as he lifted his hand to knock, only for it to lower again. 

He really needed to get it together, or the chicken in his tote would get cold and Jeongin didn’t want to disappoint the nice old lady. She had been so happy to see him after such a long time that he didn’t even have to charm her into giving him extra drumsticks. He had gotten almost a whole extra chicken. 

He looked down at the bag, feeling bad about all the extras she had sneaked into it as well. 

With a deep breath, Jeongin got his shit together and punched in the code to Chan’s apartment door, his stomach filling with butterflies as he stepped into the quiet room. He sighed at the darkness, only the light from Chan’s computer illuminating the room.

Jeongin kicked off his shoes and pulled out his phone to text Minho to come by later. They had all known it had been bad when Chan hadn’t replied since the day before, but it had been a while since Chan had had this bad of a writer's block. 

Ironically, Jeongin had been the only one not having to work or attend a lecture. 

Almost like it was fate… or, as Doyun usually put it, God working in mysterious ways. 

Jeongin stepped into the quiet room where only Chan’s angry clicking and tapping on his computer could be heard. He tried to make as little noise as possible while he put down his bag and the chicken. Chan, being completely lost to the world, seemingly didn’t hear a thing. 

Jeongin went to the kitchen, pulled out Chan’s pineapple juice and poured a glass, and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. Jeongin knew the older man had to be dehydrated as hell. 

Jeongin walked over to Chan, taking a deep breath as he sat the glass and bottle down, reaching up to pull Chan's earphones off. The older man startled so much that he fell off the chair, landing on the floor in a heap of limps. Jeongin gave him an unimpressed look and pushed the glass of juice into his hand.

“Drink,” he said.

“Jeongin,” Chan asked, eyes wide as he looked up, blinking a few times like he was worried he was dreaming. “What are you doing here?” He asked, looking confused at the glass in his hand. 

“Drink,” Jeongin said with a huff, leaning in over the desk, quickly saving Chan’s work. “I’m here to save you from yourself,” Jeongin looked down at his friend, lifting an eyebrow. “And I can see I was needed.”

“But…” Chan said confused, eyes widening in fear as Jeongin glared at him. Without daring to say more he hurriedly started drinking his juice while Jeongin took a trip around the room, huffing like a disappointed mom as he tidied up the room and turned on the lights, drawing the curtains from the tiny window, allowing just a little sunlight to creep into the room.

“I can’t believe you’re older than me,” Jeongin huffed as he kicked a black t-shirt over into the corner. “Seriously, drink!” Chan stopped looking at him and finished his glass of juice. 

“There is water on the table as well,” Jeongin said with a sharp look, going to the kitchen to fetch plates. At least Chan had done his dishes this time. “I already talked with Minho, he is coming by after his last dance class so enjoy your chicken because he’ll be forcing you to eat salad and boiled chicken for the next week.”

Chan just looked at him like he was a koala in a tutu.

“Drink your water,” Jeongin sighed jumping on the bed, making himself comfortable in his usual spot, dragged the food over, and began to unpack the many boxes “The old lady went a bit sideways so there is a lot of- Oouff,” Jeongin was interrupted, his arms suddenly full of Chan. 

“I've missed you,” Chan said, words pressed into Jeongin’s hair. “I’ve missed you so so fucking much,” he added, a few tears sneaking their way into Jeongin’s hair. 

“Me too,” Jeongin said, breathing out and letting the last trace of anger escape him, and wrapped his arms around the other. “Fuck, I’ve missed you,” Jeongin said, tears stinging in his eyes as he pressed Chan closer, reveling in his warmth. Doyun might have had a very good point about forgiving and moving on. 

Who cared about cold chicken anyways? 

Hugs were much better.    

oOo

Jeongin looked at Hangyeol. Really truly looked at him for the first time. Before, Jeongin was so sure Hangyeol had been the most devout man he had ever met, but the more Hangyeol spoke the more in doubt he sounded. 

The many ways of quoting, the repetition of old interpretations, and the continued belief that God would only love humanity if humans followed His words perfectly. All of it was beginning to sound like Hangyeol was convincing himself that he was right, that everything said to him growing up religious was correct, and that he specifically deserved salvation before others. 

The feeling didn’t sit right with Jeongin. He looked down at his black Bible, the cover worn and soft under his fingers. There were cracks in the gilded parts, some of the gold flaking off. The words in it were still true, but looking at Hangyeol, Jeongin was sure there had to be other ways to read them.

As Jisung had said, humans liked reading what they wanted to read, and liked to preach what they wanted to teach.

Hangyeol’s way of reading seemed far-fetched, small-minded, and didn’t align with the way Jeongin read those words. What Hangyeol was saying sounded like absolute rubbish, like he was forcefully interpreting words in order to spin them to fit his personal views. 

Hangyeol’s reading was so far from anything Jeongin had ever felt while reading the word of God.

But those words formed on Hangyeol’s tongue were the same words Jeongin had been taught to listen to his entire life. Words Jeongin had forced himself to agree with no matter how morally wrong it seemed to him.

Hangyeol was speaking the words of Father Kim, Father Hong, his mother, and his father. The words and teachings of his family’s Catholic Church in Busan.

Jeongin wished this epiphany might have come to him at another time, perhaps while he had been studying the Bible, or while talking to Doyun, but no, Jeongin had to come to the conclusion that he could no longer be Catholic while Hangyeol was trying to convince them all that God only loved those who repent their sins in abundance. 

It sounded so ridiculous, so opposite of what Jesus had preached, and for some reason that just pushed Jeongin off the edge. He couldn’t stay here. He couldn’t stay surrounded by teachings he found corrupt. He had spent years trying to convince himself this was the truth, the only path for him to take, but so many things he had been taught in this faith had ruined parts of himself he would never be able to mend. 

He had held himself back in order to follow this faith, this path, and this direction, for so many years, and for so many years it had hurt him to go to church, to confess, to get communion and taste the sacrifice of Jesus on his tongue. Every time without feeling lighter and closer to salvation.

For years he had tried to convince himself he felt the light of God when he went to mass in his Catholic church and that he didn’t feel hollow and further removed from God and His words with every sip of holy wine and every bite of sacramental bread.

Jeongin couldn’t stay surrounded by people who saw his happiness as a sin, he couldn’t stay in a religion that deemed he should hide and ignore several parts of his identity. 

He couldn’t stay Catholic, but maybe he could find a home for his faith in Doyun’s church, where he was welcome regardless of who he was and where God felt closer to Jeongin than He ever had anywhere else.

Jeongin looked down at his bare right index finger, feeling almost silly, because he hadn't already made that choice? He hadn’t been to a Catholic mass in weeks, opting to guest at Doyun's church for sermons instead. 

Jeongin hadn’t missed not going to a Catholic mass like he thought he would. He didn’t feel empty or unfulfilled, instead, he felt heard, seen, and dare he even say it, loved when he sang along to the hymns, bathing in the bright light from the massive chandeliers above. 

Jeongin was not Catholic anymore. He, the true Jeongin, hadn’t been welcome for years, and now he was willing to leave through the already open gate.

Where he expected to find the fear of entering the unknown he found immense relief. 

His head was buzzing oddly for the rest of the discussion, and it was only when he felt Seojin poke gently at his shoulder that he realized they were done. 

“You seem lost,” Seojin stated, stepping back as Jeongin got up from his chair and began to put his jacket on, stuffing his Bible back in his bag. 

“Actually, quite the opposite,” Jeongin said, unable to hold back a big bright smile. Seojin’s cheeks tinted pink as she stared up at him with wide eyes. “I think I finally found my way back,” he didn’t give Seojin any chance to comment before he offered her his arm and dragged her away. 

Behind him the whole class looked at him in bewilderment, none of them sure they had ever even seen him smile before. 

“Was Hangyeol that inspiring today?” Seojin asked with a small giggle as they strode towards the bus, Jeongin almost feeling like he was flying. “I don’t think I've ever seen you like this,” she added with a grin, pressing closer.

“You know the feeling when you’ve been dealing with a problem for ages and you finally find the solution? Well, that is how I feel,” Jeongin said, breathing deeply, the crisp October air burning his lungs, but he didn’t care. “I feel like God has reached down and finally pointed me in the right direction.”

“Oh,” Seojin said, a hint of awe to her voice as she stared up at him, pressing closer. 

“Sadly Hangyeol will have to get some credit. It was his nonsense that finally made me see clearly,” Jeongin said, coming to a stop next to the bus stop. “But I think I finally know what I have to do. To become me. Fully.”

“I think Hangyeol will cry if he heard you call all his carefully thought out monologues nonsense,” Seojin grinned, gently puffing at Jeongin. “So, what did you figure out?” 

“I'm converting,” Jeongin said, voice tight as he looked Seojin directly in the eyes. “I don’t think I'll come back to Bible study either. I'm gay, and I can’t live with a religion that says my love is a sin.”

Seojin blinked at him, her mouth opening and closing a few times.

“Oh,” she said, eyes flickering down to her shoes as she pulled her arm from Jeongin’s side. Jeongin breathed out, feeling another stone roll off his shoulders. He understood that Seojin was shocked, he himself hadn’t even expected to tell her he was gay. But he had to. Because he owed her at least an explanation. So he didn’t become someone who just disappeared.

“If you ever want to,” Jeongin said carefully, knowing he was very likely to get a rejection, “We could go get some coffee, and just talk. You’re a very dear friend to me, Seojin, and I'd be sad if I never saw you again. But I understand if it’s too much.” 

At his words, Seojin looked up, her eyes were a little red and her cheeks were flushed. 

“No, it’s not too much,” She said, shaking her head. “I was just surprised. It isn’t too much, and I understand. I don’t think I could have stayed either… I'm just glad you haven't forsaken God.” 

“I could never. He will always be a part of me. I just don’t think the Catholic way is the right way for me to worship. But it’ll always be a part of me,” he breathed, hardly able to keep the smile off his face. “I just want to be true to myself. To acknowledge that God made me as I am for a reason. And that He loves all parts of me.”

“I think that’s a good thing,” Seojin said, taking a deep breath as she looked up at Jeongin. Her smile was strained and didn’t reach her eyes, but it was there. And deep down Jeongin was sure it was genuine. “And I’d like that cup of coffee. I think I can learn a lot from you,” she said, her voice shaking a little. 

“I’d like that, too,” Jeongin said, calmness filling his veins. “Because I would really like to have you as a friend.” His eyes widened as his arms were suddenly full of Seojin, clinging to him like her life depended on him.

“Me too,” she said, stepping back and hurrying towards her bus that had just arrived. “You already have my number from the member list. Text me,” she said hurrying up the steps to her bus. Jeongin stared after her, waving back at her when the bus took her away. 

That had gone easier than he had expected. 

Jeongin stared at where the bus had been, a laugh bubbling up in his chest. He turned, somehow expecting Hyunjin to be at the cafe, or next to him, but there was nothing but a sea of strangers. 

With a sigh, he turned around, knowing he would never come this way again. 

oOo

Jeongin looked at his computer with narrowed eyes. He wanted to hang one of his characters and he had barely begun writing. With a huff, he got up, and walked up to the pretty barista with the sweet smile and high ponytail - Jeongin’s secret favorite because she didn’t tease him like the short-haired one did. 

She smiled at him as he approached, hands already reaching for a cup before he had spoken - another reason why he liked her, she was always fifteen steps ahead. His eyes flickered over the counter after he had paid, just patiently waiting as his eyes landed on a bright red apple. He scowled at it, hating how much it reminded him of Hyunjin. 

They hadn’t spoken since that night at Minho's last weekend. They hadn’t had any reason to, of course. They weren't friends. And Felix hadn’t had him or anyone else over except Changbin this week. Everyone had papers to hand in, Jeongin included, so they had mostly just texted. 

And it was good that Jeongin hadn’t seen Hyunjin. 

It was perfect. 

“Did you want the apple as well?” The barista asked, pushing Jeongin’s coffee towards him. “You can have it. People aren’t here for the fruits so we usually have to give it away for free so they don’t go bad.”

“Nah, it’s okay, I just got lost in my own head,” Jeongin laughed awkwardly, thanking her for the coffee and settling back in his seat. He looked at his computer and then at the offending apple, taking a deep breath as he dived back into his novel manuscript. If he could just get an outline down then perhaps his main character would stop acting so much like Hyunjin. 

Jeongin was lost in his own world of treacherous gods and societal pitfalls when he vaguely heard the bell chime. His eyes flickered up, noticing a tall guy entering, but he soon returned to his screen. If he wanted to do this, he had to work on it. He ignored the white noise around him and tried to drown out the loud background noises with his own noisy thoughts.

When he finally looked up again it was to the sight of someone sitting in the seat opposite of him. 

“Hi,” Hyunjin said, a seductive smile playing in the corner of his lips. “I’ve kinda seen you around here, and thought I should introduce myself,” he added, reaching his hand out to Jeongin. “I'm Hwang Hyunjin. I study art and music.”

Jeongin blinked, stunned to his very core. Hyunjin looked like he was dressed to impress, half his hair was up in a messy bun atop his head, some escaping to caress his face in a soft yet captivating way. The lightest dust of makeup highlighted his features, and a hint of rosy eyeshadow made his eyes look downright dreamy. 

Inviting and irresistible, were the words Jeongin’s brain provided him for describing Hyunjin’s eyes, and Jeongin had to physically ground himself by tightening the hold around his cup before he accidentally got lost inside those deep brown irises.

Hyunjin’s head was tilted to the side, the few loose strands following with the movement, and the smile on his face made Jeongin’s poor heart gallop away in his chest in a way that couldn’t be healthy. Hyunjin took his breath away, and Jeongin was finding it a little hot all of a sudden.

He was dressed in black, the fabric clinging to him in all the right places and even the sweater under his usual leather jacket was strained over his chest, making his skin look soft and illuminated - even in the subpar lighting from the cafe. He was a mystery of contrast and Jeongin’s eyes could only take so much.

In Hyunjin's free hand was a red apple, looking even more plump and juicy than it had in the fruit bowl.

“Hyunjin,” Jeongin said, voice a little strained. Jeongin had been so ready to kick him away, but all his arguments and logic fizzled out of his head like expired Pop Rocks the moment he looked Hyunjin in the eyes again. 

Jeongin sucked in a breath, butterflies suddenly bursting free in his stomach. 

Hyunjin was looking at him with something akin to hope in his eyes. A light that was getting weaker the longer Jeongin just stared at him like an idiot, but under the hope, there was something else. Something Jeongin recognized from himself. 

Something darker and far more tempting. 

Jeoingin was dumb. So unbelievably dumb. He knew it was him who wanted distance, him who was the one who had resisted, him who wanted them to be nothing but strangers, but he just couldn't stop himself. Without wanting to, he lifted his hand, taking Hyunjin’s warm soft hand in his own. 

Somehow nothing had felt more right.

Jeongin should have known he would never have been able to resist Hyunjin, no matter how hard he tried. And perhaps this would be okay. Maybe if they started out as strangers they would figure each other out. 

Forgive, forget and move on. 

After all, Jeongin wasn't the same anymore and neither was Hyunjin. Those two kids died a long time ago. 

Now was a new beginning. Their very own genesis.

“Nice to meet you,” he said, voice shaking as he held onto the bane of his existence. “I'm Yang Jeongin. I study engineering and literature,” he added, a strange and foreign type of courage rushing through him. 

He could do this. 

He and Hyunjin could be strangers, and then they could become so much more.

Not knowing what possessed him to move, Jeongin reached out with his free hand, taking the apple from Hyunjin’s fingers, sinking his teeth into the crisp flesh, never once breaking his gaze with Hyunjin. 

The apple’s sweet and sour juice burst on his tongue, coating his mouth with its almost intoxicating flavor. It tasted richer, fuller, and better than anything he had ever tasted before.

He licked his lips, cheeks warming when Hyunjin followed the movement with his eyes. He swallowed, the bite sliding down his throat easily, changing him for eternity.

“So,” Jeongin said, tilting his head to the side, allowing his outgrown locks to fall over his eyes. “Why art and music?” He asked, leaning closer to Hyunjin, their fingers tightening around each other. 

Hyunjin smiled at him, the stars in his eyes burning brighter for every second they held Jeongin’s unwavering gaze. “Why? Because of freedom.”

Chapter Text

“You look nice today,” Yedam told Jeongin as he got up from his seat. He allowed his eyes to drift over Jeongin, eyes lingering just enough to make Jeongin’s cheeks a little pink. “Got a date or something?” 

“No,” Jeongin said a little too fast, his cheeks only getting a deeper pink. “I'm meeting a friend,” Jeongin said, the word still feeling a little foreign when it came to Hyunjin. 

Ever since meeting Hyunjin, the stranger, and not the teenage crush, he and Jeongin had begun developing a bit of a routine; Whenever both of them had a brief moment of freedom, they would meet up and get to know each other. Slowly but surely they were becoming…something. All Jeongin knew was that he couldn't wait to meet up with Hyunjin and whenever they were together time seemed to fly, flowing through his fingers like sand. 

Still, Jeongin had made sure that Hyunjin didn't take away from his usual time spent with the others. That, on the other hand, just meant that any other free moment Jeongin had was occupied by Hyunjin.

“Must be some friend, huh,” Yedam said, but his tone was kind, and perhaps a little teasing. “The same friend you met last week?” He asked, eyes on his bag where he was taking a little longer to stuff his computer into than usual. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, hand tightening around the strap of his bag. “He has most of the afternoon off, so he keeps me company while I wait for my 2 p.m. lecture.” Jeongin moved his feet a little, still unsure how this arrangement even came to be, and how it became such a natural part of his days.

“Hmm, cool,” Yedam said, following Jeongin as they left the lecture hall. “Wish my friends wanted to meet up with me, but they’re too busy chasing girls,” he added with a grimace that made Jeongin laugh.

“What, you don’t crash their blind dates?” Jeongin quipped, nudging Yedam with his elbow.

“They banned me,” Yedam signed, with fake despair. “Told me I stole all the girls. Like it’s my fault I look this good,”

“Sure,” Jeongin said unimpressed. “Don’t you have a lecture you need to go to?”

“Not today,” Yedam said, trailing after Jeongin out of the building and towards the cafe. “Prof is ill, so I have time to go see who this friend of yours is special enough to warrant you wearing slacks and a fancy sweater. Even your jacket is elegant,” he added, tugging at the woolen coat Jeongin was wearing. “Damn, Jeongin, you're beginning to look cool after you dumped those cursed polos.”

“I literally fished this one out of the trash,” Jeongin said, smoothing out the thick woolen fabric. It had indeed come out of a trash can, but a clean one at his local secondhand shop. “And I'm just getting really good at thrifting. You should join me. You wouldn’t believe what some people throw out.” 

“Oh, I know,” Yedam said with an eye roll. “That’s why I want to be an engineer. So I can make more sustainable solutions for the future, and maybe find better ways to reuse fabrics,” Yedam finished with a passionate expression. Jeongin couldn’t help but feel a twinge in his stomach as he listened to his friend. Jeongin wished he had such passion for his education and a plan for the future. 

Meanwhile, Jeongin was just here because his parents wanted it, and he was too scared to say no. Hell, Jeongin still wasn’t sure if he got to stay in Seoul, or if he had to go home on the other side of finals. 

“That’s really great,” Jeongin said, the honesty making his voice a little frail. “I wish I had such a goal for my future,” he sighed. 

“Well, just getting a job is honorable enough in this world,” Yedam said, clearly not accepting being put on a pedestal. “And the dreamers dream and make the big pictures. We need dependable people to tell us we're being idiots once in a while and fix our mistakes,” he added with a wink. 

“I think you’ll need a whole army to keep you on the ground,” Jeongin teased back, tugging his head into his scarf. It was beginning to get cold. He grinned when Yedam shoved at him, shoving him right back. 

They continued to talk about a few random things, mostly music and the assignment they had to hand in soon, and before Jeongin was truly ready, they were at the cafe. He looked up, heart doing an odd summersault as he spotted Hyunjin in their usual spot.  

“Fuck,” Yedam said when he followed Jeongin’s eyes to the almost empty cafe. 

Hyunjin turned his head and caught Jeongin’s eyes. He smiled so brightly that Jeongin swore the sun had reemerged upon the gray sky above them. 

“Are you meeting the blond god over there?” Yedam asked, eyebrows all the way up under his bangs as he turned to look at Jeongin wave back at Hyunjin.

“Yeah, that’s my friend,” Jeongin said, words still feeling unfitting to what Hyunjin was. “Hyunjin. He’s an artist,” he said, pride filling his words. 

“Shit,” Yedam said again, a sly smirk blooming on his face. “Go fucking get it, Jeongin.”

“It’s not like that,” Jeongin chided with a frown. Because it wasn’t. Not really. It was something, but not what Yedam was implying. It couldn't be. Though, Jeongin did want it to be. But it wasn’t.

“With how he is glaring at me right now, it definitely is,” Yedam said amused and Jeongin blinked in surprise when he turned to look at Hyunjin and found the other staring at Yedam like he was something disgusting under his shoes. “That man is not just your friend and if he is, he’s not intending to stay that way for long.”

“We’ve only hung out for like three weeks,” Jeongin said, biting his lips as he looked back at Hyunjin who seemingly got progressively more and more sour by the second.

“And people have been married after knowing each other for a shorter time. I know you read those sappy books about romance. Don’t pretend not to be a hidden romantic,” Yedam said, eyes returning to Jeongin, something serious to his words. “When you know, Jeongin, you just know. Don’t let that overthinking brain of yours stop you from getting something just because you think it’s too soon or it’s wrong,” he continued before he lifted his hand and placed it on Jeongin’s chest.

“Think a little more with this, okay,” he said, and patted Jeongin’s chest gently. “Come here,” Yedam said, folding Jeongin into a close hug, and tilted his face so he could whisper into his ear. “This will look like I’m giving you a kiss on the cheek, if he really likes you, he’ll look super funny once we pull apart.”

Jeongin pulled away from Yedam, ready to throttle his friend, but he couldn't help the curiosity that arose within him, so he turned to look at Hyunjin. He did indeed look a bit funny; An odd combination of constipation and annoyance had crossed his face, and yet there was a hint of sadness to his eyes Jeongin didn’t quite like.

“Told you he liked you,” Yedam said, beginning to walk away backward, a sly smirk playing in the corner of his lips. “Now go get your boy,” he laughed as he turned on his heels and ran away. Jeongin swore he was going to kill him with his own pencil one day.

With a deep breath, Jeongin turned around and made his way toward the cafe with quick steps. He wanted to run away when he opened the door, seeing the wide smirk of the short-haired barista stare teasingly at him, already pushing his usual order towards him.

“Already paid for,” she said in a sing-song voice. “Dream boat over there ordered for you,” she added with a smile better suited for a tiger about to eat its prey. Jeongin smiled tightly, accepting his coffee, and made his way to where Hyunjin was very pointedly looking at his own hands.

“Hi, I hope I didn't keep you waiting,” Jeongin said, sliding into what had become his usual seat. Like always he was struck by how nice Hyunjin looked. His eyes couldn’t help but drift to his shoulder where he knew the other man had a tattoo just out of sight. He wondered if he would ever get to see it. “Our lecture dragged on a bit,” he added when Hyunjin remained silent. 

“It’s fine,” Hyunjin said, a faint pout to his words. Jeongin frowned, a little confused as he slipped his jacket off, not missing how Hyunjin gave him a few secret glances, eyes lingering just a little too long on his chest. 

“Who’s the friend?” Hyunjin asked, almost a little too nonchalant. The last word was said in a sour twist, eyebrows furrowing as he refused to meet Jeongin’s eyes.

He almost looked jealous… even if the thought was preposterous. 

“Yedam. We have physics together,” Jeongin said, leaned back, and took a sip of his coffee. 

“You two looked very… close,” Hyunjin said, words pointed and hard. “Something I should help keep away from the gossiping aunts that are our friends?” Hyunjin added, eyes just barely looking at Jeongin before they flickered away again. “Or should I perhaps begin to urge Minho to order more than eight pizzas on Fridays?” 

“I’d hardly say our friends are that bad at gossiping,” Jeongin said with a little laugh. He made the mistake of looking up at the barista who was giving him an unimpressed look. “And no, there will be no need to order more pizza. Or rather, there would be no need to order more pizza if you all just listened to what I said. I made a whole spreadsheet to prove my point. Half of you can eat more than one pizza, and I'm tired of sharing,” he hurried to say, cheeks getting pink. “Yedam is a friend. Just a friend,” he added, ignoring how his heart did an odd jump when Hyunjin looked up at him, eyes clearing as a big bright smile blossomed on his face. 

Jeongin had to look away, his eyes falling to the book next to Hyunjin. His eyes widened. 

“Oh my, you’ll love this!” Jeongin exclaimed, pulling the book away from Hyunjin. “I read the other book she wrote and loved it. I swear, I read it like five times in high school. I had to hide it in a cover from a biology book to keep my mom from finding it,” he said with a bright smile, almost caressing the cover as he stared up at Hyunjin.

“I didn’t know you read stuff like this,” Jeongin said, almost giddy. Hyunjin looked at him a little stunned with a soft smile on his face. His fingers twitched, reaching for his pitch-black americano before he answered.  

“I thought Seungmin told you what I read already. He keeps complaining about my love for soft romance plots,” Hyunjin said laughing when Jeongin gave him a hard look. “Yeah, yeah. Strangers, I remember, but yeah. She's one of my favorite authors. I love how real she makes her worlds. Like you could step right into them.”

Jeongin's stomach made that odd swoop again, and he couldn’t stop smiling even if his cheeks were beginning to hurt. Somehow he hadn’t expected that it would be so easy to get along with Hyunjin and yet it was. 

“So, favorite novel?” Jeongin asked, leaning forward as he looked Hyunjin in the eyes. “And no cheating. I want the truth,” he added, narrowing his eyes for fun. Hyunjin’s eyes scrunched up in the way Jeongin meant he was hiding a smile before he too leaned forward.

“Demanding,” Hyunjin teased, long fingers reaching out to steal his book back. They touched Jeongin’s own, lingering just a touch too long before Hyunjin’s hand retreated, his head tilting to his side. “On another note, you look nice today. The sweater really makes your eyes shine,” he said, leaning back and began to talk about his favorite novels.

In his chest, Jeongin’s heart skipped a beat. 

oOo

Jeongin stuffed his phone in his pocket, ignoring another one of his mother’s phone calls as he made his way down the street. He would have to call her later and tell her he was at the library, but for now, he just wasn’t in the mood to talk with her. All she wanted to do was discuss plans for when he was moving back home again, and how they should go about moving his things efficiently.

Jeongin was still trying to find a very good way of telling her the answer was never, and, no, there would be no moving. 

The streets were busy considering it was a Thursday, people milling about looking either ready to seize the night, or ready to kneel over. Jeongin, personally, was in the second category. He cursed at himself for being nice and telling Felix that, of course, he would go to the larger grocery store, and see if they had his preferred cereal. 

This morning it had seemed like a little thing to agree to in order to get rid of a pouty Felix, but at this moment it was no longer the case; Not when he had walked all the way here, been almost murdered by three different moms while he was doing the rest of his grocery shopping, and then somehow had to carry it all the way back home.

Jeongin tried to keep Felix’s smiling face in his mind as he made his way through the crowded streets, his shoulders bumping into people no matter what he did. Someone rammed into him hard enough to make him stumble, almost losing his balance as he crashed into some poor innocent guy, almost making both of them drop their things.

“Shit, I'm sorry,” Jeongin hurried to say as he was trying to push himself away from the stranger. “Seriously, I'm so sorry, I just completely - Hyunjin?” His eyes got wide as he looked up at his friend, paint in his hair and a big puffy jacket hiding most of him away from the world.

“Jeongin! Hi, what are you doing here?” Hyunjin said, pulling both of them away from the rush of people. He reached up, trying to hide his paint-stained hair under his black beanie, but it didn’t really work since he also had a long line of azure blue on his chin. 

He looked different without makeup, but still beautiful. Jeongin had to stop his hand from reaching up to help him hide his hair, so instead, he just smiled shyly.

“Felix ran out of cereal, and somehow I found myself agreeing to pick it up after my lecture,” Jeongin shrugged, eyes falling to the bag Hyunjin was carrying. “What are you up to?” He asked, trying not to seem too awkward.

“I was in the art supplies store,” Hyunjin said, pointing at a store a few meters back with windows filled with canvases and a myriad of stuff Jeongin wouldn’t know what to do with. “Ran out of titanium white, and once I was in there… well, I stocked up a little,” he said, lifting the bag in his hand which was way too big for only one tube of paint.  

“Mood,” Jeongin said, moving a little as he was almost knocked down again. This only brought him closer to Hyunjin, and suddenly he could feel his senses overwhelmed by the flirtatious scent of his cologne. Jeongin breathed in deeply, almost getting drunk on the way the crisp winter air mingled with the perfume. “I, erhm, I better get home before the bags cut my hands off,” he hurried to say before his body gave in to the urge to lean into Hyunjin’s side. 

“I'm going that way,” Hyunjin said, hurriedly reaching out to take a few of Jeongin’s bags. “Here let me help you,” he added, successfully stealing about half the bags.

“You don’t live that close to us,” Jeongin said, feeling a little awkward when he realized he actually had no idea where Hyunjin even lived. “Do you?” He asked suddenly feeling dumb. He wanted to hit himself because now things were going to be awkward again.

“It’s like a ten-minute detour,” Hyunjin said with a shrug, already moving away. Jeongin sighed, knowing there wasn’t a need to put up a fight. Besides, it was easier being two people carrying the groceries than just one. 

Jeongin might have been a little tempted by the good offer on his favorite snacks, so the bags were more than overstuffed. 

“So, titanium white,” Jeongin said, trying to pretend he knew something about art. His mom had not really allowed him close to any creative outlet thinking he wouldn’t need it so he knew next to nothing about painting, drawing, or anything about what Hyunjin spent most of his time doing.

“Hmm, it was silly. I knew I didn’t have much left and then decided to sit down and do a painting in pastels.” Jeongin almost jumped when he felt Hyunjin’s arm around his shoulders. His heart calmed when he realized Hyunjin had just meant to guide him away from a large group of rowdy teenagers. 

“I would love to see some of your paintings one day,” Jeongin said softly as they finally turned away from the crowded streets. He couldn’t help but breathe a little easier as they suddenly had an excuse to put more distance between them. 

“You already have,” Hyunjin said with a small frown, confusion coloring his features. 

“No. I’ve only seen your drawings,” Jeongin said, confused. “Felix keeps pinning new ones to the fridge every time you’re over,” he added, daring a look up at Hyunjin. Even in the streetlight glow did he look otherworldly. Hyunjin had an inexplicable ability to make everything seem dull and dismal the moment he entered the scene, his presence making everything seem less than his ethereal disposition.

“You literally have one of my paintings hanging over your TV,” Hyunjin said with a smile, looking down at Jeongin, who in return blinked, mind going a bit blank for a brief moment at how close they were. He turned to look away immediately. “Didn’t Felix ever tell you it was me who made it?”

Jeongin thought of the blue and pink roses that intertwined together, the painting he had spent many nights staring at when he couldn’t find it in himself to get ready for bed. The painting had always brought him comfort and calm whenever he felt lost or confused. Now that he knew, it didn’t surprise him that it was Hyunjin who had painted it. The other man had always had such a calming effect on Jeongin when he was younger, and when he felt uncomfortable being at church. Of course, that feeling would seep into Hyunjin’s art.

“No, Felix hasn’t told me,” Jeongin said, eyes on the tips of his boots. “It’s beautiful, though. I really like it,” Jeongin was silent for a brief moment before he continued. “I also really like your sketches. You’re really talented. I kinda wish I could show my mom.”

“Why can’t you?” Hyunjin asked, head tilting as he looked down at Jeongin. “They’re just drawings.”

“My mother doesn't like art unless it’s from someone famous,” Jeongin said with a tight smile. “And by famous, I mean was alive a good hundred years ago. She doesn't even like Monet. She thinks he’s too messy.”

Hyunjin laughed at that, a cute little sound that made Jeongin’s stomach tie into silly little knots. 

Just like that, Hyunjin began to talk about art, using words Jeongin barely knew, and mentioned techniques Jeongin had never heard about. He was completely out of his comfort zone, uninformed about every third word coming out of Hyunjin’s mouth, but the other was more than willing to explain things when he lost Jeongin completely. 

From there the conversation flowed as it always did; natural and authentic, as if they had known each other for years and not just weeks. Jeongin forgot all about being flustered and slowly the awkwardness just disappeared, almost as if it hadn’t been there at all. Jeongin hated to admit it, but he almost felt disappointed as they turned down his street. 

“And here we are,” Hyunjin said. Jeongin was almost deluded enough to believe Hyunjin sounded as disappointed as he felt. “Say hi to Felix from me,” Hyunjin said, as he held out the shopping bag for Jeongin to take.

Jeongin looked up at the apartment and back at Hyunjin, a silly idea blooming in his mind.

“Would you like to come up?” He asked, almost regretting the words as he saw Hyunjin’s eyes widen. “I don't know when Felix will be back, but he’s making pasta for dinner, and I'm sure we have enough for you as well…. As thanks for dragging all this stuff home with me,” Jeongin added in a rush, words mushed together.

Hyunjin just looked at him.

“You don’t have to, of course,” Jeongin rushed to say awkwardness descending back onto their shoulders. “I just thought, maybe we could watch that drama Seungmin didn’t want to watch with you. The one you told me about, which premiered last week. But if you have-”

“I’d love that,” Hyunjin said, voice cutting Jeongin off. “I kinda hate eating alone… and, well, watching dramas is funnier when you’re two.”

“Okay,” Jeongin said, nodding. Before he could change his mind he turned on his heel, hoping Hyunjin would follow him as he made his way to the door. “Okay,” He said under his breath, feeling a bit giddy.

When Felix came home later that evening, Hyunjin and Jeongin were in a pile on the couch, heavily discussing the drama and animatedly defending each of their favorite characters. 

oOo

Jeongin was amazed at how much he was able to do now he had his Friday afternoons off. He only had lectures till around noon, leaving him the whole afternoon free when he didn't have to go to Bible study. 

In the beginning, he had just gone home, but there was still something a little depressing about his and Felix’s apartment when he was there alone. He had tried the library, but he was never really as effective as he wanted to be when he was there, so instead, he had ended up at Minho’s place, and somehow that was much better. 

It was a standing agreement that whoever arrived first just locked himself in on Fridays anyway, so Jeongin didn’t even feel like an intruder as he turned the speakers on, his homework playlist filling the apartment as he crouched down and tried to get as much work done as he could. 

Jeongin was lost in his thoughts when he heard the door to Minho’s apartment open. He looked up from his homework when Seungmin entered, the other man only barely able to hide his surprise at Jeongin already being present. 

“Hi,” Seungmin said, eyebrows going up as he looked at Jeongin. 

“Hi,” Jeongin said with a smile, saving his work as he looked up at his friend. “I made coffee,” he added, a little helplessly when Seungmin just stared at him. 

“Great,” Seungmin said, apparently deciding Jeongin’s sudden appearance on a Friday, where he wasn’t usually available, didn’t demand more of his attention. He went to the kitchen and got a mug, and sat down on the couch next to Jeongin, pulling out his own homework and allowing them to drift into a comfortable silence. 

Jeongin eventually finished his work and gleefully pulled out his novel and began to read, him and Seungmin speaking when needed, but otherwise allowed themselves to just be. 

Minho arrived a little after 4 p.m. sweaty and tired from his dance class, and while he did look a little oddly at Jeongin, he didn’t comment on him being there either. He just threw his drenched shirt at Seungmin’s head to annoy him before he disappeared into the shower.

While he was showering, Jeongin washed his and Sungmin's mugs, exchanged them with glasses of soda, and picked up a bottle of water for Minho. When Felix stopped by a little later - before Minho even got out of the shower - he was the only one who didn’t seem surprised, he just sat down next to Jeongin, and picked up their conversation from the morning from where they had left it. 

“So,” Minho said as he emerged from the depths of his apartment in a big fluffy sweater and sweats. “Are we doing pizza or sushi?” He looked tired and Jeongin barely got to reply before Felix was up, already massaging the aches in Minho’s shoulders away. 

“Pizza,” Seungmin said with that air of finality that didn't beg for any arguing. 

“Then we’re ordering ten,” Jeongin said, crossing his arms and getting ready for a fight. “I will not have all of you trying to sneak a piece of my pizza because you’re still all hungry. You keep saying you just need one pizza each, and yet, every damn time you all try and eat the rest of mine because you never have enough.”

“Whatever the boss demands,” Minho said with a grin as he surrendered to Felix’s ministrations of his sore shoulders. “And you could also just eat faster so you weren't the only one with food left.”

“What is wrong with savoring your food?” Jeongin muttered, knowing the older man would just ignore him. “Some of us have manners.”

“When do we think our poor husbands will return from war?” Minho asked, indeed ignoring Jeongin. He was eyeing the time which was already well past the time they agreed to meet. 

“Changbin promised me they should be here soon,” Felix said, with a sigh. “Or he said so like an hour ago, so I think they should at least be on their way. I really thought Hyunie would bring more sense to them.”

“I think he’s as bad as Chan,” Jeongin muttered without really thinking. “The other day he was like half an hour late because he just had ‘fix something’ which apparently took longer than he thought.”

“How are the dates coming along?” Seungmin asked with a smirk. Jeongin glared at him. 

“They’re not dates,” Jeongin huffed sourly, sinking into the couch. “And shouldn't you all be happy we’re actually getting along?”

“Hmm, you did look pretty cozy the other day when I came home,” Felix teased, thankfully setting Minho out of the conversation by burying his thumbs between his shoulder blades. Minho's eyes fluttered closed with a groan, but Jeongin got the feeling the older man would be pestering him later.

“We were just watching a drama,” Jeongin said, affronted, ready to battle Felix because there was no limit to what Jeongin had walked in on after Felix and Changbin had finally stopped hiding. 

Jeongin didn’t get to say much as the door suddenly banged open, making all of them jump. Minho just gave the door an annoyed look when Felix stopped massaging his shoulders. 

“We’re here!” Chan announced, sounding very much out of breath. “Please tell me we made it before Jeongin because he will yell at us if we’re late again,” he said, jumping into the room, still trying to get one shoe off.

He blinked, eyes going comically wide as he spotted Jeongin. 

“Did we make it?” Jisung gasped, looking about ready to kneel over as he followed Chan. He looked at Jeongin smiling a little confused.

“You’re early,” Jisung accused as he fell into a heap of limbs on the floor. “Fuck, Chan, I'm never running again,” he whined breathlessly from the floor. 

“But,” Chan looked at Minho and the others with confusion. “Didn’t you have Bible study today?” He asked, pulling out his phone to check the time. “Did you finish early?” he added, as he took in the time with a frown. Behind him Changbin and Hyunjin arrived, looking a lot worse for wear than Jisung. Clearly, they had run most of the way. 

Jeongin bit his lip, his hand reaching up to fidget with his crucifix. 

“I don’t go to Bible study anymore,” Jeongin said, eyes on his hands and the golden Jesus staring back at him. With a sigh, he let go of the crucifix and reached out to grab a pillow, and hid his stomach behind it. The silence dragged on as Jeongin refused to say any more, just staring defiantly at the table.

Jeongin just wasn’t ready to tell anyone he had converted. 

“Jeongin,” Hyunjin complained dramatically, breaking the silence like a pane of glass shattering to pieces. “Chan made me run,” he fake sobbed, staggering over like an overgrown toddler and throwing himself at Jeongin. 

“Hey, you’re squishing me!” Jeongin reprimanded as he tried to push the gangly guy off him, except the more he struggled the more Hyunjin seemed to stick to him. “You’re all sweaty. Disgusting. Get off me!” 

Seungmin, being as supportive as ever, jumped off the couch and quickly snapped a few pictures with his phone. 

“Oh, how the turns have tabled,” Minho sighed, pulling Chan down next to him as Changbin just smiled and rolled his eyes as he joined the beaming Felix. “Look at all our kids getting along,” he said, leaning into Chan's side and making the other man sputter.

“Yeah,” Chan said red-cheeked, watching as Hyunjin tried to press his sweaty cheek to Jeongin’s, only making the youngest scream louder as everyone else laughed, the silence long gone. 

oOo

As always, Jeongin was right about them having to order ten pizzas, so he was happily munching the last slice of his own, the others busy lying around overstuffed with food, while they tried to hash out what kind of movie they wanted to watch. 

“Nothing scary,” Jeongin muttered around his pizza, giving Minho a sharp look. “I'm not having Felix crawl into my bed for the rest of the week.” His eyes drifted to where Changbin was laughing along with the others. “Or Changbin. My bed isn’t big enough for three.”

Which was a lie. Jeongin had had both Jisung and Chan sleeping in his bed once, and while it had been tight, no one had ended up on the floor.

“Hey!” Changbin protested as the others began to laugh at him instead. “I can handle scary.”

“Because you get up and go to the bathroom halfway and only return for the last five minutes,” Jisung muttered with a grin, gnawing away on his pineapple pizza with joy. Jeongin reached over and snatched a piece, making Jisung look at him betrayed, cheeks puffed up with food.

“Hamster,” Hyunjin giggled, his face scrunching up as he pointed at Jisung delightedly. 

“Please,” Chan said, stealing a piece from Changbin. “Nothing too scary. Jisung and Felix almost ruined my ears last time.”

“Why are you all picking on me?” Jisung asked, affronted. 

“Because it’s easy,” Seungmin said with a grin, already ducking away from the pillow flying his way. 

“Are we seriously going to watch another superhero movie?” Minho sighed, already queuing up the next Marvel movie in line on their shared watchlist. “I swear you’re all just buying into Chan’s need to lust after muscly men.”

“Doesn’t he already have Changbin?” Jeongin asked innocently, loving how Chan almost choked on his food while Hyunjin descended into another puddle of giggles next to him.

“Hey, that’s my man you’re talking about,” Felix said which earned him a grateful smile from his boyfriend. “And we all know Binnie isn’t tall enough to have the amount of muscle Chan desires. It’s six feet or nothing.”

“HEY!” Changbin yelled, tackling Felix to the floor, obnoxiously kissing his face all over. “I'm not small.”

“He’s fun-sized,” Chan said helpfully, patting the top of Changbin’s head as he and Felix rolled around on the floor at his feet. 

“Going by how Felix sounds sometimes I'd say he’s far from fun size,” Jeongin muttered under his breath, making Hyunjin and Jisung almost choke on their food. Felix looked up from the floor with wide eyes, and Changbin looked a little like he wished the word would just end him.

Seungmin leaned back in his seat, applauding Jeongin while he nodded in admiration. 

“Well,” Minho said, coughing as he tried to hide his grin. He reached out and gently pushed Chan’s jaw closed. “Movie?” The others nodded and soon they were all squeezed tightly together facing Minho’s television. 

Jeongin really shouldn't have been surprised when Hyunjin was suddenly pressed close to his side. The other man had already kept pretty close to Jeongin since he arrived, sitting next to him and talking almost constantly. 

Jeongin didn’t mind. It was nice. But when both Seungmin and Jisung suddenly wanted to sit on the couch, Hyunjin had been forcefully fused to Jeongin’s side. 

And it was doing bad things to his heart. 

“Am I squeezing you again?” Hyunjin asked, leaning even closer as he whispered into Jeongin’s ear. 

“No,” Jeongin whispered back because as much as Hyunjin’s closeness made it impossible to follow along in the movie - which Jeongin had already watched - Jeongin kind of didn't want to trade it with anything. “It’s fine. If I need space I’ll just kick Jisung off.” 

He knew he shouldn’t have leaned in closer, knew he shouldn’t have breathed in deeply. Hyunjin was wearing cologne again, but it was weak, almost evaporated, leaving a hint of his own deeper scent to linger as well as the enthralling fragrance of his vanilla lip balm. Jeongin couldn’t help but breathe in again, leaning in even closer.

“You can hold my hand if you get scared,” Jeongin teased, hoping he didn’t sound as breathless as he felt. Next to him, Hyunjin shuddered and Jeongin wondered if he had accidentally tickled the other man. 

He jumped a little when he felt Hyunjin’s fingers braid into his own. 

“As a precaution,” Hyunjin whispered back, leaning a little closer as he hid their joined hands from the others. Jeongin just hummed, biting his lips as butterflies tickled his ribs. 

When he and Hyunjin ended up cuddling later no one said anything and Jeongin didn’t complain. Hyunjin was warm and Jeongin swore there wasn’t a better pillow than his chest.

Chapter Text

Jeongin drummed his fingers impatiently on the surface of the desk, watching as his professor muddled about the last part of the lecture, almost dragging it out on purpose. 

Against his thigh, his phone made another tingly buzz.

Jeongin didn’t need to turn his head to know Yedam was holding back a laugh at his impatience. He could feel the other man’s gloating like an itch. He breathed a sigh of relief once the professor began to wrap up, almost throwing his stuff into his bag as he jumped from his seat. 

“In a rush?” Yedam teased, though he at least seemed to be just as behind on his schedule with the way he was just shoveling his things into his bag. “Do you have someone special to meet?” 

Jeongin gave him a hard look but didn’t answer as his phone buzzed again. “Damn that man,” Jeongin hissed under his breath, pulling out his phone and skimming the 20+ messages Hyunjin had left him while he was in class. “I’ll kill him,” Jeongin added as his phone buzzed in his hand. 

“Hmm, someone’s eager,” Yedam teased, giving Jeongin a brief hug as he slipped past him. “Say hi to your lover boy from me,” he shouted over his shoulder, rushing to his next lecture. Jeongin just glared at him as he picked up his bag and marched to the exit. 

The cold winter air had barely managed to touch him as he stepped outside before he had the phone pressed to his ear.

“Hyunjin, the fuck are you blowing up my phone for?” He asked, hurriedly jumping down the steps. “I already told you I was right. We both know he’s not the killer.”

“But how can you be so damn sure?” Hyunjin asked, voice muffled by the phone. “You saw how he acted. You can’t tell me that wasn’t suspicious as fuck.”

“Hyunjin, we had this talk this morning… and last night,” Jeongin added exasperatedly as he hurried down the path to the cafe as fast as his legs would allow. “I told you it would be too obvious if it was him. I swear there is something wrong with the parents. They’re hiding something for real.”

“But you saw how his face changed!” Hyunjin argued back, voice raising in volume. “Sorry, sorry,” followed as Jeongin could hear a woman yell in the background. He couldn’t hold back his laughter as he heard Hyunjin apologize and promise to be quiet. “Damn, seriously though, Jeongin. I'm saying he can’t be one hundred percent innocent either. That man must have done something,” Hyunjin hissed, clearly trying to keep his voice down. 

“And so what if he has?” Jeongin said back, smiling as he pushed the door to the cafe open, smiling at the rainbow-haired barista as he accepted his coffee, and in turn got a nod towards the direction of a table in the back of the room. He mouthed a ‘thank you’ before he made his way toward the table.

He plumped down in the seat in front of Hyunjin and gave the man a tired wave.

“None of us are ever completely innocent,” Jeongin added, pulling his phone away from his ear. “Especially you who just sent me more than twenty - TWENTY!- messages while I was in class,” Jeongin turned to look at the barista who was glaring at him. “Sorry, Yeji,” he muttered trying to give her an innocent smile. She rolled her eyes at him and went back to cleaning the counter. 

“I just wanted to talk,” Hyunjin huffed, eyes widened as he stuck out his lower lip. “Don’t you want to talk to me, Innie?” He said, completely unaware of what him using that tone did to Jeongin’s insides. 

“I talk to you plenty,” Jeongin huffed, leaning back and taking a sip of his coffee trying to look nonchalant. “We literally talked this morning… and most of yesterday… and the day before that.” Jeongin coughed as he tried to hide his smile. 

Once he used to dream of a time when he and Hyunjin would one day become almost inseparable, and now it had somehow happened.

Growing up, Jeongin had seen the other man from behind, as he followed along with what Father Kim preached with deep focus as if he took in each and every word and kept it for later. As a teenager, Jeongin had found several excuses to hear Hyunjin speak, had asked about explanations for Bible verses and what not, just to get a moment of Hyunjin’s rare attention.

He had hungered after Hyunjin and everything he was for so long it became the only thing he associated the other with; Forbidden attractions, lust, and sin, all negative things he had forced upon the other without him even knowing. 

Now, the old version of Hyunjin seemed blank and boring, like a poorly done sketch that barely had the edges of the silhouette outlined, a brief idea of something that could become more.

The more of the full picture Jeongin got, the more he understood how wonderful Hwang Hyunjin actually was, and how his sketch hadn’t done him justice.

Hyunjin was everything and more, and Jeongin was delighted that he finally got an opportunity to get to know him properly, and got to experience as the blanks filled in themselves.

Jeongin could finally see Hyunjin as part of his every day.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was the beginning of…something. Jeongin was certain of that. He and Hyunjin finally got to know each other properly, without any previous bias or precedent ideas. 

“Hmm, it’s not enough,” Hyunjin said, those long fingers reaching out to poke at Jeongin. His warm fingers made Jeongin’s skin burn wherever he touched. An odd warmth filled Jeongin like hunger as he stared at Hyunjin’s small curved smile. “I missed you.”

Jeongin felt the words like a pleasant punch to the stomach. 

“You saw me the day before yesterday,” Jeongin said, trying not to sound strained as he kept his own emotions at bay. Hyunjin was still touching his hand and it was terribly distracting. “And we ended up spending all of Saturday together as well,” Jeongin said, eyes on his coffee so he didn’t have to look up. 

Cuddling Hyunjin had had some interesting side effects, mostly in the form of making him even more clingy. Not that Jeongin really minded, with Felix spending a lot of time with Changbin, the company was nice. Jeongin still liked hanging out with his other friends, but being with Hyunjin was different. 

It was like a drug, something Jeongin never got enough of and craved in its absence. 

“Hmm, not enough,” Hyunjin said with a slight smirk, taking a sip of his coffee, his hand finally releasing Jeongin’s lonely fingers. He ignored the empty feeling the sudden lack of touch left behind. His hand suddenly felt a little cold, but it didn't mean anything. Nothing at all. “And speaking about spending time together, are you free on Sunday? I know Chan mentioned you don’t like going out on Sundays, but Felix seemed oddly eager to go to that place, and they’re kinda booked every other day.”

Jeongin sighed, quelling the urge to roll his eyes. 

“It’s fine. I already told Felix I’d go. You know my parents… Sorry. We’re strangers. You technically don’t know my parents,” Jeongin said with a smile when Hyunjin raised an eyebrow at him. He really should be better, it was Jeongin who wanted to keep them as strangers, after all, not quite ready to merge the two Hyunjin’s in his mind yet. Somehow Jeongin knew he would never be able to keep his heart intact if he did that.

“My parents used to be very uptight about what we did on Sundays. It’s the Lord's day of rest and therefore we should rest as well,” Jeongin said, eyes diving to his hands. “And by resting I mean we sat around all day and didn’t do anything. Like I was allowed to read the bible if I was really bored.”

It was odd talking about his parents. 

“Even food had to be easily prepared and bland, preferably,” Jeongin added with a sour twist of his mouth at all the under-seasoned food he had consumed in his life. “When I moved to Seoul, I tried to keep it up… But I don’t know. I just feel like there are other ways to relax than sit still in silence, and just read the same book you’ve read over and over again.”

“Your parents were really strict, huh?” Hyunjin said, his smile getting a little tight. “Mine at least just wanted me to go to church and be quiet on Sundays. We would read the Bible a bit after dinner though,” he added with a sad smile, something akin to wistfulness in his voice.

Jeongin wondered if he missed his parents sometimes.

“So, do your parents know about any of us?” Hyunjin suddenly asked something a little pointed to his words. 

“They know of Chan,” Jeongin said, fidgeting nervously with his napkin. He wanted to reach out and hold Hyunjin’s hand, but he couldn’t. They were just friends. Just friends. “He kind of called during summer break and scared my mom half to death, because having a stranger with a faint accent calling about her son is apparently devilish,” he said with an eye roll.

“They know I have friends here. Friends that I care about a lot,” Jeongin hesitated for a second, “My brother knows about you. That you aren't dead,” Jeongin said, eyes flickering up briefly. Hyunjin was watching him, face guarded. 

Somehow, Jeongin knew he should continue. 

“He was there when your parents dragged you to church after… after they found out, I think,” Jeongin lifted a hand, clutching his crucifix tightly. “He heard a few things, and, well, he kinda suspected you weren’t really dead,” Jeongin said, the edges of the crucifix digging into his skin. 

“My dad, too,” he added after a brief moment. “None of them bothered to tell me. I only found out when I went back to Busan during Chuseok that they knew. None of them told me even when I was…” Jeongin trailed off, almost afraid of saying too much. It hurt. The feelings of betrayal as well as the resurfacing emotions he had hidden away for so many years.

It was still there, hiding in the spaces between his ribs; the feeling of an utter and complete loss. 

“Did you mourn me?” Hyunjin asked, voice faint. He too sounded like he was experiencing the long-forgotten hurt he had gone through in order to become the person sitting in front of Jeongin now. And yet there was something fragile about him, like a child wanting to know he was loved, that he was missed.

“I did,” Jeongin admitted, knowing that he couldn’t lie about something like this. And besides, he wanted Hyunjin to know he had been missed when he left. That someone had cared about him, even when he had suddenly vanished out of the lives of everyone back home. 

“I kinda admired you back then,” Jeongin admitted after a moment of silence. Jeongin had done a lot more than simply just admire the other, but those feelings were better off hidden away. One day perhaps he would finally tell Hyunjin just how loved he had been, how missed he was, how his disappearance had left a crater inside Jeongin’s chest. 

“Wasn’t much to admire,” Hyunjin said with a wry smile. “I don’t think there is much of that kid left in me now.”

Jeongin’s eyes found Hyunjin’s immediately. He couldn’t believe his own ears, nor eyes, with how Hyunjin was looking so down as if he really believed those words. Hyunjin hadn’t changed from when he was in Busan, except for perhaps his fashion sense or his way of carrying himself, but he was still the same kind person who would help Jeongin when he didn’t understand a Bible verse, or whenever he had some dumb question to ask to get his attention. 

Just recently, Hyunjin had spent hours answering Jeongin’s dumb and nonsensical questions about painting methods and color blending, because Jeongin wanted to learn and understand and Hyunjin had been more than willing to be because he always wanted to help.

Hyunjin was truly a good, kind-hearted person. He had and would always be.

“You’re wrong,” Jeongin said, sitting straighter. “You’re kind. You always have been. And really, out of all the things you could choose to keep, I think that's the best one.”

“I made your life shit for a while,” Hyunjin said, voice serious as he met Jeongin’s eyes. “Do you honestly still think I'm kind?”

“I'm here now, aren’t I?” Jeongin replied, looking around a little before he reached out to take Hyunjin’s hand gently. Friends could hold hands, couldn’t they? “And well, I have forgiven you. Even if it was hard.” 

As it turned out, forgiving Hyunjin was easier than living without him.

“You don’t think I'm a sinner any more?” Hyunjin asked, his voice genuinely curious. Jeongin still had some trouble hiding his wince, the words he knew he had been echoing beginning to hurt. “Even though your faith says I will burn in hell for not confessing my sins, for failing to take communion, and for never accepting my last rites,” he added, eyes on their joined hands.

There was something careful and guarded to his words that hurt jeongin. Like Hyunjin honestly expected Jeongin to reject him. To say he would accept Hyunjin but not his choices. That his sexuality and the forsaking of his faith would always be a dealbreaker between them.

Like there would always be a divide between them, putting them in opposite worlds.

“That’s not my faith anymore,” Jeongin said without thinking. As soon as the words were out he looked at Hyunjin with big eyes, his hand tightening around their entwined fingers. “Shit,” he said, dropping his crucifix as his now free hand came up to cover his mouth. “I didn’t mean to, ahh, fuck,” Jeongin sighed, feeling like an idiot.

Hyunjin just stared back at him with wide anticipant eyes, something like hope beginning to bloom deep within them. 

“I’ve converted,” Jeongin finally said, taking a deep breath before meeting Hyunjin’s surprised gaze straight on. He might as well admit it. It wasn’t something he had even meant to hide, to begin with. And somehow it felt important that Hyunjin knew, that he understood. “I'm a Protestant now, and for the last couple of weeks, I’ve been going to a church that accepts gay people. Doyun, the priest there, has helped me a lot.”

“Oh,” was all Hyunjin said, blinking a little as his eyes fell to where they were still holding hands. 

“I couldn’t stay in a faith that didn’t want me. I know some do and all, but I couldn’t. I needed out. Besides, being Catholic was always what my parents wanted. This is what I want. And according to Doyun, love can’t be wrong in the eyes of God. And I agree with that,” Jeongin continued, not sure why he was suddenly trying to convince Hyunjin of all of this. But he just couldn’t stop himself. “You can’t tell the others yet. I want to tell them when I’m sure. When I feel safe. So, can we keep it between us?” Jeongin asked, feeling like a moron.

Wasn’t this exactly what Felix had just done, and Jeongin had gotten mad at him for doing? Jeongin was very aware of the hypocritical nature of this scenario. Though to be fair, Felix did seem to have a suspicion about Jeongin not really going to the same church anymore. He hadn’t asked, but Jeongin had noticed him looking at his bare finger where his rosary ring used to be. 

“Of course,” Hyunjin said hoarsely, his thumb stroking Jeongin’s fingers. “It’ll be our secret for now,” he was quiet for a little while, still watching their entwined hands. “What made you decide to convert?” He finally asked, a strange tone to his voice.

“It shouldn't be a sin for a man to love a man. Felix and Changbin aren't sinning … and neither are you. I don’t know, in the end, it just came down to what felt right, and I didn’t feel at home in Catholicism. I didn’t like confessing things I didn’t think were sins, and, well,” Jeongin hesitated, the next part feeling a little more personal. But this was Hyunjin. He would understand. “I can’t be legally married here, but I can be married in a lot of other places in a Protestant church. And that matters…to me at least. That I can be married in the eyes of God,” Jeongin said, holding on to Hyunjin.

“I want to love,” Jeongin confessed, his words frail like glass. “I want to be free. To stop feeling like a sinner over something as beautiful as love.” Jeongin didn’t want what he felt for Hyunjin to be dirty, he wanted the warm excitement in his stomach to be what it was. Beautiful. Free of sin and shame.

“So, no, I don’t think you’re a sinner. Not at all,” Jeongin said, words firm with his conviction. “I actually think you’re very brave, because I have no idea how I will tell my parents I’m not Catholic anymore,” he laughed strained, the bitter smile never reaching his eyes.

“I'm not brave,” Hyunjin countered, hand tightening around Jeongin's fingers. His voice was a little rough as he spoke, like he was holding back a little. “But I think you are. And I think you’re very kind too, Innie. I'm really glad we met up again. And I'm really glad we got to be friends.” 

“So am I,” Jeongin smiled, his heart feeling endlessly light. 

oOo

Dear God…

Thank you for giving me a second chance

For giving us a second chance

oOo

Jeongin smiled as the service came to an end. 

For once he didn’t remain to linger in his mind, instead, he got up, pulled his jacket on, and followed the rest of his row out the door. He smiled at the kind old lady who was there every Sunday just like him, nodded to the newlyweds who had started talking to him because he was new, and waved at the kid who sat in front of him but kept turning to look at everything while she was bored during service. 

Jeongin felt at home as he reached the door, giving Doyun a big smile as he said goodbye before he skipped into the cold November air feeling like something had finally settled inside of him. Converting had truly been the right choice. 

“You know, going to church really shouldn’t make you this happy,” Hyunjin teased as he suddenly appeared at Jeongin’s side. “I clearly remember Father Kim telling us church was a duty, not a pleasure.”

“Father Kim is a stick in the mud,” Jeongin replied, smiling at Hyunjin. His heart was beating a little faster. From the surprise, of course. “And didn’t we agree we’d meet at the restaurant?” Jeongin asked, looking up a little to meet Hyunjin’s eyes, suddenly feeling a little breathless. 

It was odd to think they weren’t that far apart in height anymore. Hyunjin had always towered over Jeongin when they were younger, but now they could look each other in the eyes. 

“I was going this way anyway, so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to walk a little extra to meet up with you,” Hyunjin said in that way Jeongin had learned to mean that he wasn’t being completely honest. “And I wanted to see your church. I was curious,” he said, eyes flickering back to where the little church had melted back into the other buildings. “People looked nice,” Hyunjin said with a shrug. Once again seeming a little too casual to be true. 

“They’re in church on a Sunday, of course, they’re going to look nice,” Jeongin said with a grin, gently bumping Hyunjin with his shoulder. “But, yeah, they’re very sweet. There is even a lesbian couple… or like I'm pretty sure they’re lesbian because they keep leaning on each other all the time, and going to church on a Sunday several weeks in a row doesn’t seem very friendly coupled with the cheeky pecks I’ve seen them exchange.” 

“Oh,” was all Hyunjin said, hands in his pockets.

“Doyun is really kind too. I wish I could bring Felix because this seems like a much nicer church than he usually goes to, but he hasn’t had the best experiences with his old Lutheran churches so I don't want to force him, you know,” Jeongin continued, deciding to ignore Hyunjin’s silence. “There is even a choir Doyun wants me to join. It’s busy right now with the upcoming advent services in a couple of weeks, and really I haven’t sung in years-” 

“I think you should join,” Hyunjin interrupted. Jeongin looked up, surprised by the power in Hyunjin’s voice. “Your voice is amazing. You should definitely start singing again.”

“Would you come and listen?” Jeongin asked before he could stop himself. 

“Of course,” Hyunjin said, turning his head and pinning Jeongin to the spot with those mesmerizing eyes of his. “I kinda miss hearing you sing,” he added shyly. 

“I can’t have made that big of an impression,” Jeongin laughed, reaching out and pulling Hyunjin along with him as they hurried over the road before the light turned red. “I was hardly the best singer they had. I was just able to go very high which is why they put me in front. I was tiny as well. Made me easy to overlook,” Jeongin added, almost reluctantly releasing Hyunjin’s arm. 

“I remember you,” Hyunjin said, voice a little quiet on the busy street, but Jeongin heard it loud and clear. While they had stopped being strangers - Jeongin eventually having to accept they had too much shared history to be forgotten - their past still seemed like a sore topic for both of them. “I just didn’t connect the choir boy from church with you before I heard you sing in Chan’s apartment,” Hyunjin paused for a brief second before he continued. “It was your singing that got me into music.”

“What?” Jeongin asked, coming to a stop as he turned to look at Hyunjin in shock. “But I haven’t sung in years. I was like… twelve the last time I was allowed to sing in church.”

“Yeah, and I can still hear how your voice rang out in the church, echoing off the walls,” Hyunjin said, eyes on his shoes. There was something defensive about him, like he dared Jeongin to oppose him. “I wanted to get into music, so I could find that emotion again. That feeling of having your soul resonating along with a song,” he looked up, catching Jeongin’s eyes. “So I will definitely come to hear you sing.”

Jeongin didn’t really know what to say to that so instead he reached out and pulled Hyunjin with him. “We’ll be late,” he muttered as he dragged the other man down the street. It didn’t matter that they were kind of early to begin with, or that Jeongin’s church had been fairly close to the restaurant. 

Hyunjin allowed Jeongin to be flustered, but when he a little while later pulled his arm back and grabbed onto Jeongin’s hand instead, Jeongin didn’t say anything. He just held on, basking in the heat seeping out of Hyunjin. 

They didn’t talk more about singing or church or the past, settling instead on safer topics like the drama they were watching and Jisung’s roommate who was still convinced that Jisung and Jeongin were dating. 

Being with Hyunjin was easy.

They were deep in a discussion about whether Chan’s latest demo had in fact been about Minho - despite the older man's firm denial - when they turned the corner, and Jeongin came to a stop when he suddenly saw Felix and Changbin. 

They were standing outside the restaurant, Changbin’s arm around Felix’s shoulder and Felix’s arm around Changbin’s waist. They looked like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together perfectly. They were talking, faces turned slightly to each other, both of them smiling softly. It was like they were lost too were in their own world, perfectly content with each other. Changbin smirked, leaning in to kiss Felix softly, making the blond man giggle and glow like sunshine.

Jeongin sighed deeply.

“Something wrong?” Hyunjin asked, watching Jeongin carefully, his hand tightening around his fingers.

“It must be so nice,” Jeongin said, not even trying to hide the longing in his voice. “Imagine having someone looking at you like that, to smile at you like you’re their whole world and smiling back, because you are also looking at your whole world,” Jeongin smiled crookedly, trying to quell the bitter jealousy in his stomach. “Love is so beautiful.”

“I know, you said you wanted to get married,” Hyunjin coughed, suddenly sounding a little weird. Jeongin looked up, but Hyunjin was back at looking at his own shoes (Which was fair enough, because Hyunjin was wearing the lace-up boots again, and Jeongin had had a hard time not looking at those long lithe limbs since they met). “But would that be something you’d want?”

“Having people stare at me?” Jeongin smiled, eyes glinting with mirth.

“No, like a relationship,” Hyunjin asked, finally daring to look up at Jeongin and meet his eyes. “With a man, I mean. Out and open, being in each other's arms on the street and kissing and all that. I know you said you wanted to love… but would you actually want to ,” he added in a rush. 

“I know wanting to be with someone isn’t the same as actually being with someone, so…” Hyunjin trailed off, looking like he wanted to throw himself out on the road or something. Jeongin unconsciously held onto him a little tighter. “Would you, at present, as in right now, want a boyfriend is what I mean,” he finally forced out, looking slightly flustered. “To be in a fully committed, out and proud gay relationship with another man.”

It was a little funny to see Hyunjin get so worked up, but Jeongin somehow understood that there was nothing funny about what Hyunjin was asking. And well, out of all people he supposed Hyunjin would understand if Jeongin said no. If he admitted to not being ready, and yet…

Jeongin took a deep breath and looked back at where Felix and Changbin were still talking, now somehow pressed closer together. 

It seemed like an impossible dream, but Jeongin did want it. He wanted to be just as free and open with his love.

The truth was that perhaps he was ready.

“Yeah,” Jeongin breathed out, a smile blossoming on his face as he looked at his friends. “I’d love to be like that too. And to get married at one point, as well. I don't know where I’d find anyone who’d want me, but I’d love to just… Love,” Jeongin said with a laugh, his heart feeling fluttery. 

“And well, now is as good a time as ever,” Jeongin added with a shake of his head. “You know what they say, there is never a right or a wrong time, there is just time. As Chan keeps saying, today is a gift. If that gift contains love you’d be an idiot to turn it away just because it might be a little difficult. And, well, I was never the one having an issue with holding people’s hands,” he said tugging humorously at their own - very platonically - entwined hands. “It was always someone else who thought it was wrong. And I don't believe in them anymore,” he added with playful childish defiance as he turned to look at Hyunjin with a bright smile.

Hyunjin didn’t laugh. He just looked at him with unreadable eyes. “I don’t think you’d have a hard time finding someone to love you,” Hyunjin said, his voice a little rough as he just stared at Jeongin. “You’re… perfect.”

“You have to say that. You’re my friend,” Jeongin laughed, shaking his head and ignoring how it felt like his whole self had been rearranged over the swoop his heart had just taken. “Come on,” he said, dragging Hyunjin with him towards their friends, “Let’s go greet them instead of staring at them.”

Chapter Text

Jeongin looked at the television, biting his lip hard, trying to hold back the tears that stung his eyes. Next to him, Hyunjin sniffled loudly, pulling a new tissue from the box as a new stream of tears rushed down his cheeks. Jeongin bit his lip harder, the lump in his throat getting worse to the point where even breathing felt uncomfortable.

He couldn't believe he had let Hyunjin talk him into watching this. 

“Fuck,” he said under his breath when the woman on the screen started crying her eyes out, her sobs as heartbroken as Jeongin felt. He could feel the tears begin to roll down his cheeks and he sniffled, trying to dry his eyes discreetly. Why did that damn man also have to die on that dumb roof? 

“Here,” Hyunjin said, reaching for the tissues and shoving them at Jeongin. “Just give up,” he added with a watery smile. Jeongin glared at the box before he reluctantly pulled out a few, dabbing his eyes. 

Thankfully, the episode ended quickly after that and while Hyunjin was still crying, Jeongin tried his very best to stop, both by pinching himself on the wrist and by biting the inside of his cheek hard. Making the tears disappear proved to be a difficult task. The screams of the female lead were still ringing in his ears and that familiar ache of mourning was heavy in his chest.

He wanted to glue himself to Hyunjin’s side and never let him go. 

“You know, you’re fully allowed to cry,” Hyunjin said with a tear-stained grin, sniffling as he dabbed his eyes. “You don’t have to hide it.”

“I know,” Jeongin sighed, taking a deep breath.

“But?” Hyunjin asked, head tilting to the side. Jeongin couldn’t help but look at him. He always thought Hyunjin was pretty, but now, dressed in an oversized sweater and baggy sweatshirts, his blonde hair with dark roots falling into his eyes and puffy red eyes, he looked more beautiful than ever.

“I’ve never really been allowed to cry,” Jeongin finally said, eyes falling to his hands. “Or make any noise really. I know I can, but sometimes it’s just difficult remembering people won't get mad here. You know how is; bad habits die hard.” Jeongin took a deep breath, looking up at Hyunjin before continuing. 

The other man was watching him patiently. 

“I was never really allowed to make any noise, actually. My childhood home is deadly silent. My parents don’t listen to music, just a bit of classical but only in the evenings. Books my father hadn’t approved weren't allowed, and neither was showing feelings. My father used to give us a whole speech about being frivolous with one's emotions,” Jeongin said, chest feeling tight. “I was always too sensitive in their opinion. Cried too much, laughed too loud, got too easily upset,” he said, voice getting a little faint.

“I sometimes wonder if they always knew I was different and that was why they were so strict with me,” Jeongin said, hand reaching up to clutch his crucifix. “That they deep down knew that out of all their kids, I’d be the one who’d stray,” his palm hurt and he knew he had been left with indentation from Jesus on his palms again.

“Your parents sound…” Hyunjin trailed off, clearly having no idea what to say.

“Questionable?” Jeongin suggested with a bitter smile. “Yeah. But I love them. As fucked up as that perhaps is. They’ve screwed me over, I think, but at least I knew I was always loved.”

“I kind of get you,” Hyunjin said after a little while. He tugged at his sleeve nervously, biting his lip as he looked up at Jeongin. “Have the others ever told you how my parents found out about me being gay?”

“No,” Jeongin shook his head, a smile creeping onto his face. “I tried not to ask too many questions… You know, before,” he added awkwardly. They had given up on being complete strangers after they had gotten close. It had been what they needed to get to know each other again, but now the lines were getting blurry.

Two lost catholic boys slowly merging into the perfectly flawed grown ups they had become. 

“And as you know, they keep the secrets they need to keep,” he added with a small smile.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin laughed both of them thinking of his surprise when Jeongin came out to him. “The thing is, there was this boy,” Hyunjin said with a tight smile.

“Is that how all good Christian boys get led into temptation? Pretty boys?” Jeongin joked softly as he tried to lighten the mood. While Jeongin knew a lot about Hyunjin, from his favorite color to his favorite food and snacks, he didn’t know too much about what happened before they met again. 

“True,” Hyunjin laughed, shoulders relaxing just a little. “But yeah, we went to the same class and he had these stunning eyes,” Hyunjin said with a sigh. “And I thought I was in love. He confessed one day after school, and we kissed, went out to the movies, and held hands in the dark where no one could see. My parents were never home in the afternoons, so we always went to my place to hang out, and… well, to everyone else I suppose he looked like my best friend.”

Jeongin frowned, remembering a boy that had always been at Hyunjin's side. He couldn't recall that his eyes had been that pretty… or that he had seemed special at all. But then again, Jeongin had always had eyes for Hyunjin only. 

“It was a cute, pure high school romance… but he wanted to do more than kiss and hold hands, and well, so did I,” Hyunjin said, his cheeks getting a little pink. “We were seventeen after all,” he added with a laugh.

Jeongin smiled, not really recalling any fond memories of being seventeen. It had been nothing but homework, Bible study, and grief. 

“So when my parents said they were leaving for a whole day to go shopping, I just jumped at the opportunity to have the house to myself,” Hyunjin said, eyes falling to his lap. Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and taking his friend’s hand. Hyunjin smiled at him gratefully but still didn’t meet his eyes. “We didn’t… you know,” he said with an awkward wince.

“Commit fully?” Jeongin added helpfully when Hyunjin kept opening and closing his mouth. “I sort of know how it works. But yeah, you hadn’t done each other in the forbidden way,” he added, laughing when Hyunjin threw a pillow at him. Jeongin’s stomach twisted pleasantly at the tiny slightly relieved smile on his friend's face.

“Yeah, something like that,” Hyunjin muttered, rolling his eyes. “But we were both very much naked, and, well, Mins-, My ex liked leaving marks. Said it made him all hot and bothered when he knew I carried his marks on my body…and well I like being marked, sue me. It’s hot as fuck to feel like I’m wanted, that I’m desirable,” he looked at Jeongin, cheeks getting a little red. “Anyways, there wasn't much to mistake when my parents suddenly burst into my room.”

Jeongin felt Hyunjin shudder, his hand tightening around the Jeongin's hand.

“My parents freaked out. I don't think I’ve ever seen them that mad. Minseok just grabbed his stuff and ran, leaving me basically naked with furious parents. I was barely allowed to get dressed before they dragged me to the church and Father Kim.”

“My brother was there,” Jeongin said when Hyunjin grew silent. “He said you fought back. Told Father Kim you hadn't done anything wrong.”

“Damn right. Fuck if I was about to let them tell me my love was wrong, and force me to repent endlessly for something they deemed a sin worthy of eternal damnation. Donghyun from a year above us, had been caught with a girl. Father Kim told him to recite ten Hail Marys and twenty Our Fathers and pray that God gave him better decision-making skills. How come me being with a boy was that much different?”

“I don’t know,” Jeongin answered, though he knew Hyunjin didn’t expect an answer. “I’ve been trying to find an answer in the Bible… but it isn't there. The Bible doesn't say you can’t love another man… it just doesn't say you can either. Sodomy, sure, that seems to be off the table, but even that can be debatable according to some. The rest is kinda not touched upon.”

“But sodomy is the fun part,” Hyunjin cracked, though the joke fell a little flat when his grin didn’t reach his eyes. “Anyways, when I came home, I got a text from Minseok. He was begging me to keep my parents quiet to keep it from others at school. He even told me he couldn’t see me anymore because he couldn’t deal with me wanting to be out. I thought I had been fighting for our love, but in the end, I had just fought for my own need to be free.”

Hyunjin looked so small and so lonely, talking about a point in his life that had changed the way he viewed both himself and his family Jeongin couldn’t take how Hyunjin seemed so abandoned as new tears started to form in his eyes, so he moved closer, pressing his body up against Hyunjin, and pulled the older man into his arms. He had never really noticed how much broader than Hyunjin he was getting, and how perfectly Hyunjin fit into his arms. 

“Asshole,” Jeongin muttered, making Hyunjin release a tearful laugh.

“Well, it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t have been allowed to see him again. The next day my parents dragged me to Seoul and my aunt. Said there was a priest who could save me. Which I think was another way of saying they wanted me to get conversion therapy. Thankfully my aunt wouldn't allow it,” he sighed, nuzzling into Jeongin. “She got so mad at my mother. Yelled for hours while I just hid out in her bedroom,” he said, voice quivering slightly.

“My aunt never had kids,” Hyunjin continued. “I think she’s always been jealous that my mother had me, so when my own mother wanted to send me away to basically torture me, she just lost it. The next day when I woke up my parents were gone. I haven't seen them since.”

The room got quiet, only the soft sounds of the apartment building filling the room. 

“I know my aunt talks to them sometimes,” Hyunjin continued after a while. “I didn’t know they said I was dead. But I guess that explains why no one tried to reach out to me afterward. They took my phone and I hadn’t been allowed to have any kind of social media while growing up so I knew I was hard to find… but I had hoped people would look for me.” 

“That’s awful,” Jeongin said, not sure what else to say. “I wouldn’t have left,” Jeongin said before he could stop the words. “If you’d been my boyfriend, I think I would have torn the world apart to keep you with me.” Jeongin bit his lip wanting to trample himself. He almost expected Hyunjin to laugh at him, but the other man just held him closer.

“I know, Jeongin,” Hyunjin said, his voice so sure and certain. He twisted and looked up at Jeongin. “You’re not like anyone else.” His eyes were like starlit pools as Jeongin stared at him. The urge to learn closer filled Jeongin, his eyes centering on Hyunjin’s plump lips. 

He smelled like vanilla. 

“I'm not that special,” Jeongin said, coughing as he looked away. “I'm just not an asshole.”

“No, you are special,” Hyunjin said with conviction, his head coming to rest on Jeongin’s chest. He vaguely hoped Hyunjin couldn’t hear how his heart was beating a mile a minute. “And I'm really glad I annoyed Jisung, and got to meet Changbin so I could meet you again. Because I don’t think other people always understand how it feels growing up like we did.”

“Chan wants to understand,” Jeongin said with a sigh. “But I know he doesn’t get it all the time.” Jeongin would know. He and Chan had had plenty of arguments about him not wanting Jeongin to go home too often. Chan also didn’t approve of how Jeongin kept doing everything his parents said. Or how he used to, at least. 

“I still love my parents,” Hyunjin admitted, almost like it was a secret. “I hate what they did, but before that, I had a good childhood. I was loved, cared for… I miss them like crazy. But I can’t regret it. Can’t regret being myself.” 

“You shouldn’t,” Jeongin said, squeezing Hyunjin closer. “You seem happier now. So maybe this was just how it was supposed to be. If I learned anything from the last few months, then it is that it's better to be true to yourself than to pretend to be something you’re not. And God loves us. He gives us love, and not to accept that when it’s given to us would technically be blasphemy.”

“Father Kim has a point,” Hyunjin said, leaning more into Jeongin. “You'd make a good priest… Though perhaps not for the reasons he thinks.”

“Don’t you start too,” Jeongin huffed, tickling Hyunjin’s sides and making him squirm. “So, you wanna watch the next episode?” He asked, knowing both of them needed to think of something else.

“Only if I can stay here,” Hyunjin muttered, holding Jeongin close. “You’re comfy.”

“I’ll make sure to pull Changbin in the gym more often. Can’t let myself go soft,” he said with a grin, reaching over to take his phone, starting the next episode.

oOo

“I can’t believe they did that,” Jeongin said, staring at the screen. Next to him, Hyunjin seemed equally stunned, staring at the end credits rolled past them on the screen. He wasn’t nestled up to Jeongin’s chest anymore, having opted to press himself closer to Jeongin’s side. 

“Imagine dying and living your whole life just waiting for the love of your life to find you,” Hyunjin said, head tilting till it was resting on Jeongin’s shoulder. “Imagine living for I don't know how long, just waiting for the love of your life to return,” he added, stunned.

“I kinda get why Seungmin was so adamant we needed to watch this,” Jeongin said, barely thinking as he reached over and used the remote to turn the tv off. 

“I think I’ve been reset,” Hyunjin said, still staring at the blank screen. “How will normal love ever satisfy me after that?”

“You know,” Jeongin said with a soft voice. “I used to think my first kiss would be like that.”

“On a hill in Canada?” Hyunjin asked with a frown, the surprise enough to wake him from his daze as he turned to Jeongin. “That is oddly specific.”

“No,” Jeongin huffed, shoving at Hyunjin when he laughed. “I just kinda always imagined my first kiss to be like in a drama. You know, with fairy lights blurred in the background, time standing still, and snow or cherry petals falling around us.” He smiled a little.

“Sometimes, when my dad was on a business trip, my mother allowed us to watch dramas with her. Like the really old and puritan ones. But the kisses were always so special. I was always really fascinated with how time slowed down, and the heroine and the hero stared at each other with so much love and passion. I used to dream about kissing the love of my life in a place like that.”

“I'm sorry,” Hyunjin said, his voice tense. “I kinda took that away from you,” he added, looking guilty. Jeongin just rolled his eyes. 

“I'm not mad, Hyun,” He said with a smile, reaching over to tug at Hyunjin’s sleeve. “Besides, no one’s first kiss is like in a drama. No way can you get that many sparkles in a real-life moment,” he added with a grin, slowly getting up. He was all tense after sitting still for this long. 

“Did you ever confess it?” Hyunjin suddenly asked, eyes on his hands as Jeongin turned to look at him surprised. “The kiss I gave you… and the kiss you gave me?” Jeongin stopped and raised an eyebrow. He didn’t really know what to say, nor did he understand why Hyunjin was bringing this up all of a sudden. A part of him didn’t want Hyunjin to know he hadn’t, but at the same time, he had a feeling he knew exactly why Hyunjin was asking.

“No,” he finally said, once he had allowed the silence to linger just a beat too long. “I couldn’t. No, that’s a lie. I could, but I didn’t want to. Neither felt like a sin,” he admitted, cheeks feeling a little hot. 

“Oh,” was all Hyunjin said, though he did look genuinely surprised as he looked up at Jeongin. “That’s… nice,” he added with a shy smile Jeongin didn’t know what to make of. 

“I told you, Hyunjin, I don’t think it’s a sin anymore. I know, I’ve said some shit that I regret it deeply, but I honestly don’t think love can be a sin. And… Well, whatever kiss we shared wasn’t out of lust or anything,” he added, staring at his feet. “So even by Catholic standards I don’t think either is a sin.”

Hyunjin was silent as Jeongin looked up. 

“I'm really fucking sorry,” Hyunjin said again, eyes getting a little watery as he stared at Jeongin. “It was such a shit thing to do. And, seriously, you deserve better for your first kiss,” he added guiltily. 

Jeongin just rolled his eyes.

After all, Jeongin’s first kiss had been with the one person he had always dreamed of being with. The circumstances had just been questionable and unexpected, but Jeongin didn’t regret the kisses the two of them had shared. However, he couldn’t really tell Hyunjin that without going into detail about the crush that wasn't so much in the past anymore, but had been steadily growing into something different and stronger over the last few weeks. Something Jeongin wasn't ready to examine. 

“I already said it’s fine,” he added, shaking his head fondly as he looked at Hyunjin who looked tiny, swimming in his huge sweater and surrounded by Felix’s cushions. “And I did think a kick in the balls was all the penance you needed to pay. We kinda hurt each other in a fucked up way… But I’ve forgiven you ages ago, Hyun. As my priest would say, let it go before it eats you up. Forgive your sinners and God will forgive you your sins,” he added with a smile.

Hyunjin looked like he wanted to say something, eyes hard as they flickered all over Jeongin’s face, finally settling on his lips. Jeongin licked them almost unconsciously and felt an odd thrill run down his spine as Hyunjin’s eyes darkened. 

“Felix should be home soon,” Jeongin hurried to say as he looked away, breaking the tension that had filled the room. He stretched, his shirt riding up a little, and revealed a sliver of his stomach before he hastily pulled it down again. Hyunjin watched him intensely, an incomprehensible look in his eyes. “You wanna order some food and stay over for dinner?” He asked a little shyly. 

“That would actually be really nice,” Hyunjin said, leaning back in the seat, and met Jeongin’s eyes straight on. The weird look in his eyes was gone, now suddenly replaced with that, by now familiar, determination that Jeongin had seen on him several times. Like Hyunjin had seen a riddle he just had to solve.

“Good, but we’re not getting pizza,” Jeongin said with a smile, leaving for the kitchen to get them something to drink. He was thirsty and needed some air that wasn’t tainted by the heady scent of Hyunjin’s cologne and the scent of vanilla that always seemed to cling to him. “Water,” he said when Hyunjin just stared at him with those dark eyes. The tension between them was getting thicker and Jeongin didn’t know what to do with it. So, fleeing it was. 

He didn’t see how Hyunjin looked down, picked up his phone, and searched for when the first snow was expected to fall. 

oOo

Dear God… It’s been a while, I know, but…

Thank you for letting Hyunjin meet Jisung and Changbin. 

Thank you for giving him a new family.

And if you saw it fit… being almighty and all

Please make his ex-boyfriend step on a piece of Lego

It won't do much for world peace 

But it’ll make me very happy

oOo

“Mom, I already told you I can’t just drop out of my classes for next year,” Jeongin sighed deeply, trying to remain respectful as he walked towards Minho’s apartment. He had been working with Yedam most of the afternoon so he was tired, and really just wanted to hang out with his friends. He was the furthest away from being ready to converse with his mom, but apparently she had had different plans since she had called him the moment he had stepped out of the library.

“Jeongin, don’t you use that tone with me,” his mom reprimanded on the other end of the phone. “What is up with you lately? You hardly answer my calls and when you do you’re snappy and disrespectful.”

“Mom,” Jeongin said, trying very hard not to lose his patience. “I'm going to college. I have homework and finals are literally weeks away. I'm sorry, but I can't pick up every time you call.” 

He hoped this would be enough to console her, but predictably it wasn’t.

“You should have stayed here,” his mother replied, voice tight. “You’re too stressed and it is ruining you. If you’d stayed here I could have looked after you, and helped you with your busy schedule. I told you it was too much for you to move out so soon. You’re too young,” his mother said with that familiar worry in her voice. Except now it carried more resemblance to manipulation than it did to worry. It made Jeongin’s skin itch.

“Mom, I'm an adult,” he finally snapped. “I can take care of myself perfectly fine. I'm literally telling you I'm busy with school, which is normal and I have it under control. I'm not moving home,” he said, coming to a halt in front of Minho’s building. Even with its towering height, the familiar apartment complex carried more comfort than his own home in Busan. 

“Not now, and not after finals,” Jeongin said, forcing himself to continue. He needed to get this out or it would keep weighing him down, and it would actually force him to move home when it wasn’t what he wanted, just because he felt guilty. He needed his mom to know he wasn’t going home, because she deserved the truth. “I'm staying in Seoul to take my whole bachelor… and my master’s,” Jeongin bit his lip, his heart racing as the silence on the other end grew longer and longer. 

His mother was furious. 

“Is it that foreign boy?” His mother eventually asked, voice strained with anger. “The one who called about you during the summer? The Australian? Is he why you’ve been like this, Jeongin?”

“Who? Chan?” Jeongin asked, baffled, the surprise knocking the anger out of him. “What in the world would he have to do with any of this?” He added leaning up against the building, running a hand through his hair. 

“You didn’t use to be like this, Jeongin, but after you met him you changed. Has he seduced you? Has he turned your path onto the devil's road?” She asked, voice heavy with accusation. “Have you stopped going to church? Have you abandoned your own faith?”

“Mom!” Jeongin yelled, trying to stop her from continuing. She sounded almost hysterical and if Jeongin had had any hopes about his father not getting involved, they were well and truly burned. There was no way she wouldn’t get him involved now if she honestly thought Jeongin was well and truly sinning on a regular basis. 

“Have you sodomized with a boy?” She whispered, her voice shrill.

“Mom, what the f- No, I have not. What kind of a question is that to ask me? I am not dating anyone, and, yes, if you gave me time to answer, I do still go to church.” Not the church she thought it was, but Jeongin wasn’t really ready to tell her that part yet. Certainly not now. “Don’t you trust me at all, Mom? I’ve never done anything wrong in all the time I lived at home. I never touched a boy, only ever looked at one. One! Mom, one boy,” Jeongin said, voice tight as he looked up at the darkening sky. 

“And that was one too much,” his mother said in a quiet voice. “You’re already a sinner.” 

That word again. Sinner. 

Wasn’t that all Jeongin would ever be in the eyes of the ones he cared for the most? A sinful, corrupt transgressor who had broken every known rule, even if he had only broken a few and had repented more than enough for those. Jeongin had paid penance for a lifetime. He had prayed, begged, mourned, and cut himself to pieces in his attempt to be right. 

In the eyes of his mom and her God, he was a sinner. 

And to some extent she was right. Jeongin had acted upon his forbidden desires and had even allowed himself to dream of the lust he felt. He had allowed his tainted love and devilish desires to creep in, making themselves a part of him, allowing them to grow and form a new identity that would like to do these unspeakable deeds. An identity of someone who never just thought about the forbidden, but longed for it with every fiber of his being. Someone who longer just dreamed of release, but someone who chased it himself. 

He was a sinner, whether he wanted to or not. 

He was a sinner, whether he actually was one or not.

In the eyes of his own God, Jeongin was who he was, and no one else. He could only do his very best to become someone he could be proud of, so good, and be good in every aspect of his life. Jeongin's God didn't condemn him for anything but promised to embrace Jeongin when he needed comfort and guide him when he felt lost. 

Jeongin’s heart hurt. His whole chest hurt and he couldn’t breathe. 

“I'm not doing this,” Jeongin rasped out, throat closing up as if he was being suffocated, old scars reopening and past habits clawing themselves up to the surface. “And I’m most certainly not coming home if this is the way you intend to speak to me,” Jeongin said, voice as affirmative as he could muster. 

After all he had done, after all his soul-searching he wasn’t about to let his mother tear him apart. Not again. He may be a sinner in the eyes of his mom, but in the eyes of his God, he was simply a human trying his best. 

Jeongin just needed to remember that.

“I'm your child, mom. Your son. God gave me to you, and it should be your job to love me unconditionally. Sins and differences included. Do not judge others, and God will not judge you, Mom, perhaps you and Dad should read that passage again.” 

Jeongin didn’t allow his mom a second to reply before he pulled the phone from his ear and hung up. 

He couldn't breathe. The air felt thick and syrupy as he tried to pull it into his lungs. The word ‘sinner’ echoed in his head over and over again. The old shame crept up his spine, filling him with that familiar self-loathing and disgust. He pulled his crucifix out from under his jacket, held it close, and allowed it to bite harshly into his skin, drawing blood. 

He was a sin, he was an abomination in the eyes of God. 

That was what his mom wanted him to feel. That was how she had raised him to feel, with love on conditions and stipulations, never unequivocal. If Jeongin was a good son, and didn’t sin, he was loved. If Jeongin stepped over the line, and failed, he wasn’t loved.

Jeongin closed his eyes and allowed nausea and self-hatred to rush through him. To feel it, acknowledge it, but to understand that it was wrong, that his God loved him, that he wasn’t wrong. His old church had been. His old priest was. Jeongin wasn’t wrong. 

Jeongin wasn’t a sinner, because only God could deem him that. 

Jeongin took a deep breath, feeling the air fill his lungs and the tightness leave him. He released the crucifix, and looked at the thin lines of blood that ran down his palms. 

He felt nauseated by the sight. 

The bloodstained gold gleamed in the light from the apartments above him.

Jeongin hid it under his shirt as he wiped his hands off in his jeans, happy that they were black and would hide his smeared blood before he took another deep breath. He wasn't about to let his mom turn him. Not when Jeongin had never experienced the happiness he found in Seoul in his childhood home.

Not when his friends were waiting for him upstairs, ready to accept him despite his flaws and mistakes. Not when he knew what unconditional love felt like. And certainly not after having told Hyunjin that he hadn’t seen their kiss as a sin. 

Jeongin opened his eyes, pushed away from the wall and stepped towards the door. He could feel his phone buzz with another call, but he knew it was his mom, and he wasn’t in the mood to hear her lecture him about how he was in the wrong when he knew he wasn’t. 

oOo

“You seem quiet today,” Jisung pointed out as he leaned into Jeongin’s side, successfully stealing a piece of sushi from Jeongin’s plate. He had finally convinced Seungmin to give up his pizza for just one Friday night, so Jisung was clearly determined to eat his own weight in fish. “Something up? Hyunjin has been looking at you all night. The poor man is about to tear at the seam with worry, ” he added with a not-so-subtle glance at Hyunjin. 

“I just had a dumb phone call with my mother,” Jeongin sighed, gratefully accepting Jisung’s embrace and leaning into it further. “She decided today was the day she’d deem me a sinner.”

“The fuck?!” Jisung exclaimed, loud enough to make a few of the others look at them, as he jumped out of Jeongin’s arms to stare him down. “What the fuck did she do that for?” Jisung sounded so upset and annoyed that Jeongin couldn’t help but smile a little. It felt nice to be cared so deeply for, that someone else felt his emotions on their own.

“Because she knows I had a crush on a boy,” Jeongin said, feeling how Hyunjin’s eyes burned into his skin.

“This boy, the famous first crush of yours… whom I now remember you actually never admitted was a girl,” Changbin said with a small frown. “The one you told us about?”

“Yeah,” Jeongin admitted, not really daring to look at Hyunjin. Next to him, Jisung bit his lip as he attempted to quell his knowing smirk. So far only he and Minho knew that the boy Jeongin had been so hopelessly in love with was Hyunjin. “She kinda figured out that I wasn’t staring at a boy in church out of pure admiration but something else. Once Father Kim gave her the idea that I was gay, well, she kinda connected all the right dots. And she is not pleased.”

“Are you still planning on moving?” Minho asked pointedly, looking up from his plate which sported a mountain of sushi stacked on top of each other in a rather impressive construction. 

“Move?” Chan asked, eyes wide as he looked at Minho and Jeongin. “You’re moving? When?”

“Yesterday if you asked my mom,” Jeongin huffed angrily. He didn't miss how Hyunjin suddenly looked at him with fear in his eyes. “But I’m not going. Not anymore, at least,” he added looking at both Hyunjin and Chan. 

“I didn’t say anything as I hadn’t decided. Besides, we were all kinda mad at each other when my mom began pestering me about moving back home. It seemed easier at that point to just stay till Christmas, and then go home and stay there,” he continued, poking a little at the mostly empty plate in front of him. “Now, I’ve made up my mind and I'm staying here. I have a scholarship and as long as Felix’s parents still want to pay the rent, then I could manage through next year if I got a job… but that is only if my parents cut me off,” Jeongin was quiet for a little while before he looked up at Felix. “But if you want to move in with Changbin I won't be mad. I can find somewhere else to stay,” he hurriedly added.

“If Felix moves in with me, I'm finding a place big enough for all of us,” Changbin said with a firm voice. It wasn’t often Changbin made a fuss out of having money, but when he did, it was hard to miss he came from a family with a lot of it. “Hell, we’ll find a place where I can take Jisung as well.”

“You make me sound like a cat,” Jisung said, stealing another piece of Jeongin’s sushi. “Though, I won’t complain. My roommate is an idiot. By the way, Jeongin,” he said, mouth full of food, and yet he still looked adorable. “He thinks we’ve broken up because you haven’t spent the night for so long. He said he misses you,”

“Why, is he finally ready to pay for the live porn show?” Jeongin asked unamused, jumping a little when Hyunjin choked on his food.

“What?” Hyunjin managed to get out amidst his coughing fit. Felix leaned over, slapping him hard on the back to dislodge the rice that had gone down the wrong pipe. 

“Didn’t I tell you? Jeongin told my roommate that if he wanted a gay show he’d have to pay for it,” Jisung laughed, cheeks puffing up with food as he stole some of Felix’s food. “Best reaction to someone calling two men in bed together gay.”

“To his defense, he did use the words ‘that is very homosexual of you’ to be precise. I was very impressed he knew such a long word,” Jeongin said as a smile crept onto his face at the memory. “Dude clearly needs more platonic sleepovers in his life.”

“Hmm, I do miss you in my bed,” Jisung said with a mischievous look appearing in his eyes as he looked at Hyunjin. “Perhaps I should seduce you, make us the next couple. I think you’d make a pretty solid boyfriend.”

“Eh?” Hyunjin said, looking at Jisung with big eyes before he turned to Jeongin. “What?”

“He's teasing,” Jeongin huffed with a laugh. He poked Jisung carefully with the blunt end of his chopsticks. “Don’t worry, I’ll be the third wheel for all of you when you need me,” he added with a smile, reaching over to take Chan’s hand. “And don’t worry, I'm not going anywhere.”

“I don’t like what your family does to you,” Chan said, not for the first time. Chan had never hidden how much he disliked Jeongin’s family’s way of doing things. And Jeongin would agree, to an extent, they weren’t that normal compared to the average family, but they were still his family. He couldn’t leave them behind because of hurt feelings. “And you’re not a sinner, Innie, not at all.” 

“I know,” Jeongin said with a smile as Chan gestured for him to come closer. Jeongin got up and danced around the table, accepting his fate as he was pulled into the tiny space between Chan and Hyunjin. “It just sucks. I tried telling her that I'm staying but she just wouldn’t listen.”

“You could also live with me,” Seungmin said, eyes guarded as he looked at Jeongin. “Hyunjin and I were thinking about finding a place. Or rather, I wanted to find a place where both Jisung and Hyunjin could live as well next year. I don’t care about the money.”

“I just have to wait till I'm old enough to get the money my grandfather left me,” Jeongin said leaning into Chan’s side. “And that is only if my parents cut me off… they don’t have to.”

“You keep on saying that. Are you coming out to them?” Seungmin asked, always the one asking the hard questions.

“If I find someone,” Jeongin said, not protesting when he felt Hyunjin’s fingers lace into his own out of sight of the others. “Until then I think just staying here will be enough." 

“Hmm, well, we will figure it out,” Minho said firmly, all the others nodding along with his words. “We're family. We stick together,” he added with a sigh, an air of finality to his words. “Now, I need a drink,” he added, as he got up from the table and went to pick up the Soju from the fridge. 

Jeongin couldn’t help but be a bit grateful. He really didn’t want to talk more about his parents right now. He just wanted to forget. To be. To live. 

“Anyone else want one?” Minho asked, setting a round of glasses on the table. 

“Sure,” Jisung said as he happily accepted a glass. Hyunjin declined with a shake of his head, opting to lean into Jeongin’s side. Jeongin didn’t miss the knowing smirk Jisung sent him over the brim of his glass as he downed his first shot. He couldn’t look away as Changbin, Felix, and Seungmin also accepted a glass, only Chan declining as usual.

“Could I have a glass?” Jeongin asked as he looked at the liquid, remembering all the times his mother had told him he couldn't drink, even when she hid that she and his father had finished a whole bottle of wine on their own. It couldn't be that different from altar wine.

Besides, Jeongin was feeling rebellious.

“Of course,” Minho said, pouring him a shot, and placing it in front of him. Chan gave him a worried look but smiled when Jeongin met his eyes. He reached out with his free hand, grabbed the glass, and raised it into the air. 

“Memento vivere,” Jeongin said as he toasted his friends, drowning the burning alcohol in one gulp.

Chapter Text

Jeongin was feeling so good. So, so good. He felt amazing and carefree. He was buzzing all over, his fingers prickling weirdly whenever he moved them, and the cloudy sensation in his brain should have perhaps concerned him more than it did. However, nothing felt like a concern anymore, not when he was giggling at something silly Jisung had said, as he accepted another shot from Minho. 

His head fell to the side and settled on Hyunjin’s shoulder, as he enjoyed the way the soft fabric of his shirt rubbed against his cheek. Soft, soft. Soft like Hyunjin’s hair which Jeongin had played with for what seemed like hours a moment ago. He breathed in deeply, basking in the warmth of the other man, and how his mere presence made Jeongin’s skin tingle.

The others were talking about something, but Jeongin wasn’t listening as he was too busy staring at Hyunjin’s knees through the artfully strategic tears of his jeans. Beside him, Hyunjin shivered, and dread filled Jeongin to the brim. He threw his hands out, covering Hyunjin’s knees from the treacherously cold air, barely registering the feeling of Hyunjin’s soft skin under his palms. 

“Don’t worry, Hyun,” Jeongin said and turned his face to stare Hyunjin into his eyes, their noses almost touching. “I’ll protect you,”

“A-against what?” Hyunjin stuttered, the cold clearly making it difficult for him to talk. The cold had even made his cheeks go bright red.

“The cold,” Jeongin whispered as if he was telling a secret, leaning closer to Hyunjin’s face, the tips of their noses gently pressing against each other. “You’re shivering and the freezing air has made your cheeks red. But don’t worry, I'll keep you warm,” he said and patted his knees where his hands were covering the exposed skin, which, now that he thought about it, was almost burningly hot against his palms.

“Oh,” Jeongin said, flabbergasted. “It worked rather quickly, didn’t it? Maybe I have a career in front of me as a knee warmer.”

On the couch, Jisung guffawed loudly. “Fuck, if only it took me that little before I acted like that,” he looked at Seungmin with a smirk. “How much did he get? Like four shots?”

“He’s had three,” Seungmin replied, trying very hard not to laugh as Jeongin kept sticking his fingers into the holes of Hyunjin’s jeans, making the tall blond man squirm like he was covered in ants. “And thankfully you have a liver like a horse, or we’d never have a moment of peace,” Seungmin retorted, elbowing him in the side as Jeongin turned to look at them with large eyes, confusion painted on his features. 

“Exactly,” Jisung said, drowning his own drink in one go.

“Did I drink too much?” Jeongin said, eyes wide as he turned to Hyunjin again. “Was I bad?” He asked, biting his lower lip anxiously. 

“No, no, what the hell, no,” Hyunjin fumbled as Jeongin’s eyes became watery. Hyunjin pulled Jeongin in next to him, drawing Jeongin’s hands away from his bare skin in the process. “You’re doing good, don’t worry. Just perhaps mix in some water here and there.”

Jisung laughed at them, but Jeongin didn’t care. Hyunjin was warm, now that he had chased away the cold, and that was all that mattered. 

“Hmm, okay. Only because you’re telling me to,” Jeongin said with a huge smile, throwing his arms around Hyunjin’s middle and making the other squeak. Hyunjin was so warm. Jeongin had really done a good job at heating him up again. Now Jeongin just had to hold Hyunjin close so he wouldn't get cold again.

“Anyhow,” Minho interrupted the snickering that had broken out in the living room. “Chan was whispering about wanting to do something fun, so take it away, Channie-boy,” he finished, placing a glass of cold water in front of Hyunjin, which he brought to Jeongin’s accepting hands.

“So,” Chan said as he carefully nursed his fruit cocktail. He looked up at Jeongin with a warm smile, looking a little shy. Jeongin smiled back brightly from where he was tucked under Hyunjin’s arm. His side was warm from where he was pressed against Hyunjin, and Jeongin could almost fly away from the fluttering feeling that went through him. “I was thinking about how we were talking about not knowing each other enough, and I wanted to perhaps play a slightly different version of Never Have I Ever,” he added nervously. 

Minho nodded at him to continue. 

“Well, perhaps we could go around and tell each other a secret that none of us know,” Chan continued, cheeks getting a little red. “Nothing terrible, but perhaps a dream, a crush, or something. Just… I don’t like the idea that we might not be as close as we think.”

“I actually think that’s a good idea,” Jisung said as he put his recently acquired pink drink down on the table. “You wanna start then?” He asked daringly. 

“Okay,” Chan said as he took a deep sip of his juice to find courage. “I’ve been contacted by a label who wants to give me a contract for five songs for their group’s new record. And I'm claiming this one so you can’t use it anymore,” he said pointing at Jisung who puffed up like a squirrel. “The contract is for all four of us. Hyunie, Ji, Bin, and I.”

“What?!” Minho yelled, almost jumping from the couch. “If you told me that, I would have bought something better than soju and vodka,” Minho chided before he threw himself into the other's arms.

“You’re really going to be making songs for an album?” Jeongin asked as he pressed closer, almost sitting on Hyunjin’s lap, letting his hand travel up Hyunjin’s chest to rest on the shoulder furthest from him. The fabric of his shirt was so soft that Jeongin was certain it had to be silk, or something extremely expensive. Or might just be cotton. He wasn’t sure anymore. Hyunjin was nice to hold, and wow, Jeongin was so proud of him.

His Hyunjin helped with the creation of a song for a company. 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin said, voice a little strained as he got almost crossed-eyed looking down at Jeongin. “I'm not really on a lot of them, but I helped Jisung with the lyrics.”

“That is so cool,” Jeongin said, reaching up to touch Hyunjin’s cheeks. The other man’s skin was soft and warm under Jeongin’s fingers. He removed his fingers reluctantly, letting them retreat off Hyunjin’s cheek way too slowly. “I'm proud of you,” he said, turning to look at the others. “All of you.”

“And here I thought you’d forgotten I was even here,” Jisung said with a dry smile. “Anyway, next. The contract isn't signed and I'm not jinxing it.”

“You’re just sour, you didn’t get to share it as your secret,” Changbin laughed, kissing the top of Felix’s head as his boyfriend clung to him making squealing noises. 

“Hmm, then give me your secret, Hotshot,” Jisung said, throwing a bottle cap at his friend's head.

“I still sleep with a Snorlax plushie from when I was a kid,” he shrugged, earning him another giggle from Felix. “I simply can’t sleep if it isn’t in bed with me.” 

Jeongin made a soft sound, wrapping himself around Hyunjin out of lack of anything else to hug. The other man made a sound and Jeongin took that as an invitation to hold him closer.

It would be terrible if Hyunjin started freezing again. 

“Is that why I can’t move him?” Felix asked, smiling adoringly at Changbin like he was something precious. “You could have just said so,” he added as he planted a noisy kiss on Changbin’s cheek. “Adorable.” 

“Yeah, next,” Changbin said, cheeks getting a little red, though he just folded Felix up into his arms and hid his face in his shoulder. 

Jeongin tried to imitate the gesture, but his position didn’t really allow for it, so instead, he just ended up pressed up against Hyunjin’s firm chest, the sound of his heartbeat traveling directly into Jeongin’s ear. 

Jeongin hummed delightedly.

“I once broke my toe by dropping a book on it,” Seungmin said from his place on the couch. “I was eight and it broke in two places. It’s still a bit crooked.” 

“No fucking way!” Jisung yelled before he threw himself at Seungmin. “I won’t believe it before I see it with my own mortal eyes.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Minho sighed. Seungmin giggled as Jisung tried to steal his sock, pulling it off ruthlessly as he inspected the five petite toes on Seungmin’s feet. Jeongin laughed at their antics, squeezing Hyunjin tightly around his waist.  

“Fucking way, it’s here,” Jisung said, proudly showing Seungmin’s foot. 

“Hmm, that’s kinda impressive,” Minho complimented as he poked the toe with his pinky. “Guess we’ll see who can surpass that one. Hyunjin, you’re up.”

Jeongin glanced up at Hyunjin with expecting eyes, but the other just looked out in the room, clearly avoiding Jeongin’s awaiting eyes. Jeongin pouted with the sound of Jisung's laughter drowning out the background music. Jeongin wondered what he was laughing so much about. 

“I have a belly button piercing,” Hyunjin finally admitted, a high squeak leaving him as Jeongin immediately pulled his shirt up, revealing his stomach, and stared intensely at Hyunjin’s belly button and the little white stone placed there.

“Oh,” Jeongin whispered, his breath hitting Hyunjin’s stomach and making him shudder. Jeongin reached out his fingers slowly, touching the soft skin, and felt the cold metal against his fingertips. Under his touch, Hyunjin tensed up, his breathing suddenly sounding labored.

“Holy shit. You actually do have a piercing there,” Jisung said, leaning over Jeongin’s shoulder as they both stared at the exposed skin. “The fuck, dude,” Jisung laughed as he fell back into his seat next to Seungmin, slinging his arm around him.

“Pretty,” Jeongin said, his fingers once more drifting over the soft warm skin, utterly fascinated by how the light made the little stone gleam. The metal quickly warmed under his traveling hands.

“I wanted to get a piercing when my parents kicked me out and I turned eighteen, but I knew my aunt would kill me if I got it in a place she could see,” Hyunjin said, voice tight as his abdomen quivered under Jeongin’s exploring fingers. “So the belly button it was,” he added a little breathless. 

“Well, it suits you,” Chan said with a laugh. “And I think Jeongin really likes it,” he added in a mysterious tone that made Jeongin look up at him with narrowed eyes. Hyunjin took the chance to pull his shirt down, covering himself up again.

Jeongin made a sad sound, flinging himself over Hyunjin’s lap so he could have Hyunjin’s attention once more.

“Felix, you’re up,” Chan continued, laughing at Hyunjin. Jeongin had begun to feel a little floaty and it was nice to hold onto Hyunjin, the other man’s presence keeping him grounded. 

“I’m fluent in French,” Felix said with a groan, cheeks turning a little pink. “My mom wanted me to either play a sport, an instrument or be fluent in a language. So, French it was. No way was I starting a sport. I would have been murdered on the grass field.” 

“Wow, that’s so impressive,” Changbin said, looking at Felix like he was the most precious thing. Jeongin felt that swoop of jealousy and coped by holding onto Hyunjin a little tighter. “So clever,” Changbin praised, leaning in to kiss Felix softly. “And sexy,” he added with a hilarious wriggle of his eyebrows before he kissed Felix again.

Jeongin sighed, forcing his eyes to look away as jealousy filled him. He wanted a kiss too. To distract himself, he played with the hem of Hyunjin’s shirt, giggling as he made the man's stomach muscles quiver when he touched the skin directly.

“And they’re off again,” Jisung commented in his best imitation of a news reporter. “Minho, give me a secret,” he demanded, a little too casual as he pulled Seungmin, who was getting a little sleepy, closer to him. 

“Hmmm, I have a tattoo on my hip,” Minho said with a cryptic smile. “But I ain’t showing it, Jisung,” he added, pushing his shirt down when Jisung almost knocked Seungmin off the couch in his attempt to get to Minho and inspect. 

“It’s dumb and silly, and I got it when I turned twenty and was a little too drunk. And yes,” he said very patiently when he saw Jisung grin at him. “Of course, it’s a cat,” 

“That’s my Minho!” Jisung cheered, pushing Seungmin back in his seat before pouring himself a new drink. Jeongin looked at Seungmin, wondering when he had dozed off. He had been very quiet all night, clearly exhausted after handing in a paper, but he had still made time to come here and hang out with all of them.

The thought made Jeongin warm on the inside. 

“Jisung, if I recall correctly, it’s either you or Jeongin now,” Chan said from his corner, raising his glass as Minho refilled his juice. He looked at Minho so adoringly Jeongin couldn't hold back a giggle, patting Hyunjin’s stomach as he bunched up his shirt so he could hide in it, once more exposing Hyunjin’s stomach and the little shiny piercing.

“Shiny,” Jeongin muttered. Hyunjin made a sound that was something between a half-gasp half-moan when Jeongin squeezed his upper thighs hard. Hyunjin quickly removed Jeongin's hands and put them back in his own lap, the rest of them giggling when Jeongin just pouted at Hyunjin. 

“Ah, yes, yes, the best for last indeed, right, Jeongin?” Jisung said, quirking an eyebrow at where Jeongin had nestled himself against Hyunjin, still trying to get his hands back on Hyunjin’s thighs. “Guess I’ll go first while you sort yourself out.”

“Let's hear it, Ji,” Minho encouraged the younger, mindlessly playing with Chan’s fingers. “Give us your worst,” he added with a toothy grin.

“Okay, so, last week after showering I sat on my roommate's bed in protest of him not taking out his fucking trash,” Jisung said with a proud smile and he kept Seungmin carefully cradling his side. “Put my very fine naked ass right on his pillow.” 

“Disgusting,” Seungmin laughed with a yawn. “But like, dude is an ass so…” he trailed off, closing his eyes as he pressed closer to Jisung. “Did he take out the trash then?”

“Nope,” Jisung said, shaking his head softly as to not disturb Seungmin. “So I put one of his own dirty smelly socks into his pillow as well and he still hasn't figured out why his bed smells.”

“Please tell me you wore a towel,” Changbin said dryly, shaking his head. “Like dude, you don't know where he had his head… or where he will put it.”

“I did not because he does not deserve such manners,” Jisung huffed, almost absentmindedly letting his fingers drift through Seungmin’s hair. “Besides, the man has no game. Not once has he had to put a sock on the door. Last week, he didn’t come home and I thought, perhaps finally he got some. Turns out he passed out in a hedge and was plastered all over some local cult’s Insta as a warning to their kids. He deserves to sleep on my ass print.” 

“Ass to ass,” Jeongin waxed somewhat poetically. “Disgusting sock to rotten person,” he added as he tried to lean on Hyunjin again, only missing his shoulder by a lot and ending sprawled out over his lap instead. Which was fine. Jeongin was tired of sitting up and Hyunjin’s thighs looked like the perfect pillow. 

“Foul,” Minho said with a laugh. “And perhaps don't diss people about not having game,” Minho laughed as he looked to where Jeongin had twisted so he could have his head in Hyunjin’s lap, tugging at Hyunjin’s hair so Jeongin could play with the strands like he was some sort of sleepy cat. Hyunjin had his fingers playfully tugging at the hair in Jeongin's nape, smiling adoringly at the younger man.

Jeongin moaned softly as Hyunjin’s nails drifted over his scalp, losing all thought and reason for a brief moment before what Minho had said struck him. 

“What do you mean Jisung has no game?” Jeongin asked, twisting his head and drawing a funny sound out of Hyunjin. “He won over Changbin in Go Fish last week,” he muttered, turning his head so he could look up at Hyunjin who made another choked back sound. 

“You okay, Hyun?” Jeongin said as he reached up to pat Hyunjin’s warm cheeks. “Did I overheat you?” He asked, tugging at Hyunjin’s hands. 

“I'm fine,” Hyunjin said with a strained voice, taking Jeongin's glass and draining most of it in one gulp. “Perfectly fine.”

“That was an indirect kiss,” Jeongin exclaimed in wonder, making Hyunjin choke on his drink and cough. Jeongin got up from Hyunjin’s lap, softly clapped him on the back, and ignored how everyone was suddenly giggling at them. “Just breathe,” Jeongin said, hand going from clapping Hyunjin’s back to feeling it up. “Wow, you’re built,” he said in wonder, making Hyunjin whimper again. 

“Please,” Hyunjin said strained, as he looked up at the others. “Where were we?” He asked, gently taking Jeongin’s hands away from his back. Jeongin shrugged, beginning to play with Hyunjin’s fingers instead. 

“Jisung is disgusting and you just got an indirect kiss from Innie apparently,” Minho said amused. 

“I wouldn’t call him disgusting,” Seungmin protested from Jisung's shoulder. “I would say Ji is creative in his ways of displaying his displeasure in other people.”

“I don't think you’re unbiased,” Felix grinned from where he was watching Jeongin’s behavior with fascination. “And really, Innie, you’re a very touchy-feely drunk.”

“I'm not drunk!” Jeongin protested with a pout, looking up from where he was marveling at how well his and Hyunjin’s fingers fit together.

“Sure,” Chan said with an almost fatherly smile. “You hanging in there, Hyunie?”

“I'm fine,” Hyunjin breathed, giving all of them a glare. “Perfectly fucking fine.”

“Hmm, sounds like it,” Seungmin giggled, reaching down to take Jisung’s hand and earning a few heckles. “Have some mercy. Hyunie is about to combust, distract the little one,” he whispered at Jisung who got a little flustered.

“Sure, sure,” Jisung muttered, hand tightening around Seungmin’s. “Now, for our last contestant, Touchy Innie,” Jisung announced, ignoring the other’s giggling over his red cheeks as he used Seungmin’s thigh as a drum. “Jeongin, give us your best secret!” He cheered as he ignored Seungmin’s pained groan. 

“Jisung, it's a good thing you're cute, or I would have killed you by now,” Seungmin grumbled, rubbing his thigh and giving Jisung a hard glare out of the corner of his eye. 

“Hmm, the beauty of evolution,” Jisung grinned, winking at Seungmin who retorted by hitting him with an ugly cat-print pillow.

“Anyway,” Chan said with a sigh as he looked away from Jisung and Seungmin who were now involved in a halfhearted pillow fight. “Jeongin, you’re the only one we’re missing.” 

Jeongin bit his lip thinking about what he wanted to share. He had many secrets. Too many. But his drunken brain didn’t offer much up other than his hatred for his studies and his current pastime project of writing. 

“I want to be an author,” he heard himself say, his head falling to Hyunjin’s chest so he could hear his steady heartbeat filling his ears. “I'm writing a story and I hate the idea of becoming an engineer,” he added with a wrinkle of his nose. 

“Cool,” Jisung grinned from where Seungmin had him in a headlock. “Can I read it?”

“When it’s done, sure,” Jeongin said, nuzzling into Hyunjin. The other man was just so warm. Jeongin didn’t want to be anywhere other than in his arms. “You should read it too, Hyun,” Jeongin said, gently patting Hyunjin’s chest. It was a very firm chest so he patted it some more, ignoring how Hyunjin was squirming under him. 

“One of the characters looks like you because you’re so pretty,” Jeongin muttered, as he finally gave up on patting the other’s chest. It made his fingers tingle. “Pretty like an angel. Not a biblical one, but those pretty ones.”

Above him, Hyunjin sputtered.

“Oh, look, Hyunjin, you’re not an eight winged wheel with eyes,” Felix guffawed, laughing harder when Hyunjin gave him a cold look. 

“No, Hyunjin is like the prettiest thing in the world,” Jeongin sighed wistfully, hand trailing down Hyunjin’s stomach. He almost jumped when Hyunjin took his hand, stopping it from traveling further down. 

“Innie, did you want more to drink?” Minho asked with a knowing smile in Hyunjin’s direction. 

“YES!” Jeongin cheered, pulling his hand out of Hyunjin’s firm grip and making grabby hands at the glass Minho was offering to him. “More, more,” he sang, falling back onto Hyunjin's lap to make himself comfortable. Really he should be sitting on him more often.

Jeongin squirmed around a bit in Hyunjin’s lap, giggling as the man under him hissed and squeaked. Something poked at Jeongin, but he didn’t care. He didn’t stop moving until Hyunjin took a hold of his waist, forcing Jeongin not to move.

“Still,” Hyunjin hissed into Jeongin’s ear, making Jeongin’s whole body shiver. He bit his lip, sipping the drink, and sat completely still as demanded. Hyunjin’s hand burned through his thin shirt. Slowly he leaned back, head coming to rest on Hyunjin’s shoulder as he relaxed his whole body. Hyunjin breathed out in a stutter, but slowly he too relaxed into the couch and Jeongin mindlessly turned his attention back to his friends. 

What a wonderful invention Hyunjin’s entire being was. Perhaps, Jeongin should thank God for that one, but first when his eyesight became a bit clearer and his thoughts weren’t doing pirouettes.

oOo

Dear God,

Hyunjin is awesome.

Sexy awesome. Awesome sexy... 

I want to bite his thigh. Can I?

Or should I marry him first?

oOo

“Hyunjin, you’re very pretty,” Jeongin slurred as he staggered alongside Hyunjin, who was clutching Jeongin’s arm in a vice-like grip so he didn’t stumble over his feet. In Jeongin’s humble opinion, it was Hyunjin being way too cautious. Jeongin wasn’t that drunk. Just a little more than tipsy. Like about 10% over being ‘a little tipsy’. 

Really Jeongin would be completely fine if the earth would just stand still and stop moving.

“Beautiful!” Jeongin exclaimed as he stopped and pulled Hyunjin to stand in front of him. He gently stroked Hyunjin’s cheeks, staring adoringly at him. “Fuuuck, you’re so pretty.” 

“I want to bite your cheek,” Jeongin said, cradling Hyunjin’s cheek in his palm, and stroking his thumb over the soft skin. “Like an apple,” he added, eyes narrowing in on the taut skin. It really did look crisp and perfect in the streetlight. “Would that be okay?”

“I really think you got too much to drink,” Hyunjin said, his voice a little strained as tried to pull Jeongin back down the street. “You should have stopped a little earlier. You’re drunk.”

“I'm stone-cold sober, Hyun,” Jeongin huffed, ignoring that he had been close to falling on his face when he said it. “Never been soberer in my whole life,” Jeongin said with so much conviction he almost believed himself. It really was a mystery why Hyunjin thought he was drunk. He was as sober as a human could be, as unaffected as - that small cat running across the street, oh so adorable!

“Look, kitty!” Jeongin exclaimed, pulling his arm out of Hyunjin’s grip as he ran to where he had seen the cat. Unfortunately for him, it has already hidden itself. “Hyunjin, it’s a kitty, kitty, kitty,” he grinned, clapping his hands like a small child. Hyunjin sighed deeply as he pulled Jeongin up from the ground and guided him away from the bush he had been on his way into.

“Yeah, we’ll say hi to the kitty in the morning,” Hyunjin said with the patience of a saint as he stopped Jeongin from running into a dark alley. “First, we go home and we sleep. I'm sure the kitty also needs to go to bed.”

“Will you sleep with me?” Jeongin asked with eyes wide as saucers, looking up expectantly at Hyunjin. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Hyunjin said under his breath, unaware of the reprimanding look he got from Jeongin. “I highly doubt you’re even aware of what you’re saying at this point.”

“I’m fully aware,” Jeongin huffed, crossing his arms. “I’m simply inviting you to my bed to sleep, and here you are taking Jesus’s name in vain. Rude. Hyunjin, rude. Don’t like you anymore,” he puffed his cheeks out as he glared at Hyunjin.

“You’re such a child when you’re drunk,” Hyunjin laughed, poking Jeongin’s cheeks.

“I’m not a kid,” Jeongin defended himself, though he did allow Hyunjin to drag him along. “I’m a fully grown man. And I can do everything I want,” he said, pushing close to Hyunjin so their bodies were pressed almost uncomfortably close. 

“Yes, I am very much aware of that,” Hyunjin said with a deep swallow as he tried to make some space between him and Jeongin. “No mistaking you for a kid, that’s for sure, Innie,” he added, strained, cheeks getting very pink.

“You look even prettier when you blush,” Jeongin said, his voice getting sad as he reached up to touch Hyunjin again. His skin was just so soft, so addictive that Jeongin couldn’t keep his hands to himself. “It’s not fair, Hyun. Do you know what it does to me when you look at me like that?” He asked, still softly stroking Hyunjin’s cheek, suddenly feeling more sentimental than he had a moment ago.

“No,” Hyunjin replied as a shiver rushed down Jeongin’s spine. “What do I do to you, Innie?” He looked into Jeongin’s eyes, leaning in a little closer, eager to hear what Jeongin had to say. Jeongin smiled, stepping closer, tilting his head a little to the side.

“You make my heart go whoopty whoop,” he whispered like it was a secret, leaning in close so Hyunjin could hear him. “And then the butterflies attack my stomach. It’s very unpleasant in a pleasant way,” Jeongin confessed, his eyes on the crook of Hyunjin’s neck. He didn’t stop himself from leaning in and pressing his face close to the tiny sliver of exposed skin and breathing in deeply.

“You smell nice,”  Jeongin said with a sigh, lips almost touching Hyunjin’s skin as he spoke. “You always smell nice. Even in high school. But I like you better with long hair. It’s much sexier,” he added breathlessly. Hyunjin made a sound that sounded a little like a whine and Jeongin pulled back to look at him with a frown. 

“We really need to get you home,” Hyunjin said, gently pushing Jeongin away. He coughed, pulling at his jacket hard before he grabbed Jeongin and began walking. To Jeongin it almost felt like a slap to the face. Normally Hyunjin always cuddled him, held his hand, and all that… Now, he didn’t even want a hug. And after Jeongin had even said he smelled nice.

“Is something wrong?” Jeongin asked as he reached out for Hyunjin, but Hyunjin stepped away, breathing deeply as he looked at his feet.

“Come on, Jeongin, I think we need to get you home and into bed,” Hyunjin said, voice tense as he finally looked up. His eyes seemed hard as he avoided Jeongin when he reached out again. 

“You don’t like me. You don’t even want to sleep with me,” Jeongin said, coming to a stop again. Hyunjin turned around, looking at him with surprise. “After all these years I loved you, and you don’t even like me,” he said, voice wobbling. Jeongin felt like he should stop. He could hear a little of the normal voice of reason he had screaming for him to stop, but it was like the words just wouldn’t stop.

“Do you even know what you have done to me, Hyunjin? How much I suffered because of you?” Jeongin asked, looking up at Hyunjin. It was so unfair, so wrong how Jeongin had suffered. “I told Father Kim I liked you. Told him I had impure thoughts of you and you fucked my life over,” he hissed, stepping further away from Hyunjin, fury unfolding in his stomach. 

It was like a switch had been flickered, all the anger and resentment Jeongin carried around with him for years flowed over. It was like poison in his veins and he just needed to get it out, bleed it out of himself so he could finally fucking breathe.

“Jeongin, what are you talking about?” Hyunjin asked, confused. “Are you okay?” He added and somehow his worry just made everything so much worse. Jeongin blinked and suddenly Hyunjin was closer, almost as if he wanted to lure Jeongin back in.

“My life was good,” Jeongin said, voice shaking as he looked at Hyunjin. “My life was perfect. I was the perfect son, the perfect child, and then… Then I fucking had to fall in love with you.” He was breathing hard, the icy winter air doing nothing to cool his fury. 

His head hurt and his vision was getting blurrier by the minute, and to be fair he wasn’t really sure what he was doing or saying. His head was a mess of present and past, of love and hurt. He shook as he looked at Hyunjin, heart beating hard in his chest.

“I loved you, Hyunjin,” Jeongin repeated, voice shaking as he clenched his hands. “I loved you so fucking much. I stared at you for hours, tried to talk to you all the time, and then you just fucking died. Left me alone. Left me to mourn you. I was seventeen, Hyunjin, and you just fucking died and I still fucking loved you!"

“Innie,” Hyunjin breathed, eyes widened as he looked at him with those infuriatingly pretty eyes Jeongin just wanted to stare at forever. 

“No, you don’t get to speak. You died. No words for you!” Jeongin hissed angrily as he pushed the hand Hyunjin stretched out to him away. “No, Hyunjin, don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. You don’t get it. You just escaped, while I was cursed and bound to penance for my love. Do you even know how much I mourned you?” Jeongin hiccuped, years of repressed feelings bubbling up in his chest, beneath a layer of drunken honesty. 

“I cried for you for a whole year,” Jeongin sobbed, tears suddenly filling his eyes. Hyunjin tried to touch him again, but Jeongin pushed him away. “I cried so much. So, so much, And I had to be fine. Because if I was not fine people asked questions, and people got mad. But I was not fine, Hyunjin, I was fucking heartbroken. You were dead and I was never going to love anyone again because if it’s not you, it’s not love,” Jeongin confessed in a flutter of chaotic words, not even sure if he was making any sense.

But he didn’t care. Nothing mattered. Nothing at all. 

“You just left me!” Jeongin cried, whole body shaking as the words escaped him. The secret he had been carrying around for years… and for what? His mother knew, his brother knew and now Hyunjin knew as well. “I loved you with all my heart. I would have died for you, died with you, and then you just died on your own,” Jeongin hiccuped, words almost unintelligible from his tears. 

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye, I loved you so much. I couldn’t wait to see you in school. Saturday was hell because I knew I couldn’t see you, and Sunday,” Jeongin breathed in shakingly. “Sundays were the best. Because on Sundays I got to sit behind you in church. I got to see you walk to communion, got to see you get on your knees and receive the blessings, got to see you smile as you left. I got to see you bathed in the light from the stained glass windows and I loved you. I loved you so much, but you ruined me.”

Hyunjin looked at him, stunned into silence.

“I tried to get over you. I tried to be everything people wanted me to be, because if I couldn’t have you, then what was the point? I might as well just be alone. It was so easy to pretend I didn’t like boys, because, Hyunjin, no one is like you. No one can ever be as godly as you. No one can replace the feeling of heaven I get when I am by your side,” Jeongin wanted to reach out, to touch Hyunjin again, but he stopped himself, forcing his arms down his side. “And just as I settled into being what people wanted me to be, you came crashing back into my life.”

“Jeongin, sweetheart, please,” Hyunjin pleaded as he came closer. “Please, stop. You don’t want to say all this when you’re drunk. Please, love, not like this,” Hyunjin begged carefully, tears of his own beginning to fill his eyes. 

“I just wanted to be normal, Hyunjin,” Jeongin slurred, his words sounding muffled to his own ears. “I just wanted my mother to be proud. And I can’t do that when you make my heart feel like this. When you make everything sinful to her seem so heavenly. You make me want so many things, and I still fucking love you, and that isn’t fucking fair,” Jeongin was crying for real now, Hyunjin disappearing in a mess of tears as he sobbed his heart out in a drunken stupor. “Because you’re this beautiful amazing person who makes art and music, and I am just dumb little me who can’t even fucking tell his mom he doesn’t want to move back home without feeling like shit.”

“No, Innie,” Hyunjin said, his own tears beginning to appear as he stepped closer, but Jeongin didn’t want any of it. “Please, Jeongin, what is this all about?”

“I fucking love you and it’s unfair,” Jeongin yelled, his throat feeling scratchy as the words left him. He knew he should stop and deep down he also knew he was being unfair. But he just… couldn’t stop. “That is what this is about. It's about you getting to live the life I wanted and being free and dating blue-haired buff idiots.”

“Blue-haired… are you talking about Youngmin?” Hyunjin asked, startled. “I haven’t seen him in weeks and we weren't dating or anything.” 

“But you liked him, and you don’t like me, and that’s unfair because I love you,” Jeongin said with all the conviction his drunken self could muster. “I wouldn't have left you to your parents, and I wouldn’t have flirted with you and… joggled my muscles.”

“What, you still on about Youngmin?” Hyunjin was lost between wanting to cry and wanting to laugh as he struggled to follow Jeongin. “I don’t think he joggled his muscles. At least not with me,” he added with a wry smile. 

“I love you,” Jeongin hiccuped, his tears slurring his words, still having the feeling he had to sound like a broken record. The words just wouldn’t stop spilling from him. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” Jeongin repeated like a prayer, breathing out deeply and looking up at the sky. 

“You’re like the sun,” Jeongin said, the drying tears freezing on his cheeks. “I’m a dead star, broken, defective, and useless, and you're the brightest sun giving life to a whole planet, brightening the world of millions. We’re in the same world but we’re light-years apart,”

“Innie, please,” Hyunjin sighed once more trying to get closer. When Jeongin didn’t resist, Hyunjin moved closer, his hand coming to rest on Jeongin’s shoulder. 

“I tried so hard not to be a sinner to my parents. Changed myself, tore all of me out of myself, and molded it into a deformed mess, and for what… here we are, Hyunjin. Me still loving you, and us still being eons apart. It’s just so dumb,” Jeongin said hopelessly as he continued to stare at the dark sky above. 

“Jeongin, your first crush… Was it me?” Hyunjin asked with a shaking voice as his hand came up to touch Jeongin’s shoulder. “Was I the one you kept watching in church?” 

“I was so afraid to talk to you,” Jeongin whispered to the sky. “So afraid people would find out. So sure you might know of my sinful attraction. And then you just died, and I couldn't even mourn you because I wasn't allowed to love you anyway.”

Jeongin closed his eyes.

“Father Kim kept telling me I should let you go. There was always the implication that it was my impure desires that had killed you. That God was punishing me by taking the one thing I loved away from me,” Jeongin heard Hyunjin suck in a deep breath, but he didn’t stop. He needed to wash it all out. “But I just fucking couldn’t stop, and now, here I am again. I'm supposed to be your friend, and instead, all I want is to do all of these impure things to you.”

“Jeongin, you’re drunk,” Hyunjin said, his voice tight as he pulled Jeongin up into his arms. Jeongin didn’t resist this time. He was suddenly very tired, the world swimming from alcohol and tears. With a sigh, he allowed himself to be held close by his love, lavishing in the heat instead of rejecting it. “I think we should talk about all this when you’re sober, okay?”

Jeongin didn't say any more, he just nodded. The anger and hurt slowly ebbed out of him, leaving him exhausted and sleepy. He didn’t resist as Hyunjin pulled him down the street and closer to his apartment, instead, he held Hyunjin close, muttering promises about never letting go.

oOo

Jeongin woke up with a headache. 

He blinked a few times, staring at the aerial roots from his orchids peeking out from the shelf over his bed. He groaned and found to his surprise that most of the night before was an odd and blurry mess. His eyes were sore like he had been crying, and he was sure he was still wearing most of his clothing from the night before. 

He was almost impressed by how much of a lightweight he apparently was. 

Jeongin sat up feeling a little like death as his room spun before him. His throat was hurting like he had been yelling, and he had some odd memories of shouting something at Hyunjin under a street light. Nothing concrete though, so he might have just dreamt it, and to be fair, if he had yelled at Hyunjin he would prefer if it had been just a dream. 

Jeongin didn't think he could forgive himself if he raised his voice at Hyunjin. 

He fumbled around as he changed out of his clothing, and pulled on a big t-shirt and a pair of sweats. Jeongin swore to himself that he wouldn’t drink this much ever again as he made his way out of the bed. 

He stumbled his way to the living room where Felix was watching him amused.

“You just missed Hyunjin,” he said with a smirk. “Poor man was so worried about you he slept on the couch.”

“He didn't have to,” Jeongin muttered, making a beeline for the bathroom. “He could have just crashed in my bed. Room enough for both of us and I dare say I wouldn’t even have noticed,” Jeongin muttered as he stumbled into the bathroom, wincing at the bright light. 

“Well, I think he wanted you to at least be conscious before he crept into your bed,” Felix said with a giggle. Jeongin frowned, his brain hurting too much for him to really care about what Felix was on about this time. He washed his face and brushed his teeth, downing a few painkillers before he made his way to the kitchen, emptying a glass of water before refilling it.

“So,” Felix asked when Jeongin sat down with a sigh, his second glass of water in his hand. “Did you do anything to Hyunjin yesterday?” He asked, his brown eyes aimed directly at Jeongin, curiosity sparkling within them.

“I don't think so,” Jeongin said, trying hard to piece the night before together. “I think I chased a cat,” he added with a frown. More memories of his dream appeared and he winced. “Had a really freaky dream though,” he sighed, his eyes closing as he leaned back in his seat. “Why?”

“He just seemed strange when he left. Asked some very… specific questions,” Felix said with a knowing smile.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jeongin groaned when Felix continued to do a very convincing imitation of the Mona Lisa. 

“What is going on between the two of you?” Felix asked instead of replying, moving a little closer and making the couch wobble under him in a way that made Jeongin feel sick. “And don’t tell me you’re just friends because I know that bullshit.”

“But that is what we are,” Jeongin’s said feeling tired. He couldn't wait for the painkiller to set in. He definitely wasn’t drinking again. Perhaps he could be persuaded once he forgot this fiasco, but for now, he didn't want to think about ever consuming alcohol ever again. “And that is what we’ll stay,” he said, more to himself than Felix. 

“Hmm, wouldn’t be so sure of that one,” Felix said with that infuriating smile. Jeongin didn’t get to reply as his phone suddenly began to ring. He jumped up too fast for what his aching head liked and groaned as he staggered into his room, barely managing to find his phone on the table before it stopped ringing.

“Hello,” Jeongin rasped into the phone, hoping to God it wasn't his mom. His heart was beating a little fast and that ache in his chest was back. 

“Hey,” Hyunjin’s familiar voice sounded from his phone. Jeongin couldn't stop smiling. 

“Hi, Hyun,” Jeongin sighed in a way that was perhaps a little too lovestruck. He caught Felix wiggling his eyebrows at him and reached over to close the door. He could hear Felix's infuriating cackling even through the door. 

“I hope I didn’t wake you,” Hyunjin said, the sounds of his duvet moving in the background. Jeongin imagined him sitting in his bed, hair a mess and soft cotton clinging to him. 

“Not at all,” Jeongin rushed to say, cheeks heating up as he plumped down on his bed, looking up at his orchids that were peeking down at him shyly. “I woke up a little while ago.”

“How’s the head?” Hyunjin asked with a laugh. 

“Has been better,” Jeongin admitted, happy the pills were beginning to set in. “I think I could be a lot worse off. And thank you, you know, for taking me home. I think I made it a lot more difficult for you than it needed to be.” 

“Oh, it’s okay,” Hyunin replied, his voice suddenly tense. “You… You remember everything from yesterday?” He asked, his voice a little too light. 

Jeongin couldn't hold back his groan.

“I'm sorry about chasing the cat,” Jeongin admitted, cheeks getting red at the memory of his saying he wanted to bite Hyunjin. “I’m also sorry for clinging to you constantly and touching you. I didn’t mean to be an octopus,” Jeongin muttered, the memory of Hyunjin under him feeling less fuzzy than it should. He swore his fingers were still tingling from when he touched his piercing. 

Speaking of which, that was a memory Jeongin was definitely going to explore later.

“And I'm sorry I kept calling you pretty,” he continued with an awkward cough, cheeks only getting redder as he spoke. Really, what had he been thinking? At least Jeongin knew the others had done dumber things while being drunk, but still. “I hope it wasn’t too much. Though, in my defense you are really pretty, okay,” Jeongin said with a forced laugh.

He hoped he didn’t sound like the hopelessly-in-love idiot he kind of was. 

“It’s fine… You didn't remember anything more?” Hyunjin asked, his voice still a little weird. “Like just chasing the cat?”

“I think I stared at the sky for a very long time, blabbering on and on about something, but I don’t really remember,” Jeongin said, closing his eyes and thinking back. He frowned as the dream he had kept interfered with his memories. He breathed deeply, hoping he hadn’t done anything else. “Please don’t tell me I tried to climb a lamppost or something. I can’t believe that I'm as bad a drunk as Jisung.” 

“No, no,” Hyunjin hurried to say but there was still something odd in his voice. Jeongin frowned, hoping he hadn’t said anything too inappropriate. “But to talk about something else. You said you loved Christmas?”

“Yeah,” Jeongin replied, relaxing again as he settled deeper into his pillows. He remembered the conversation he and Hyunjin had had a little while back about how they both were looking forward to Christmas, it being their favorite holiday. “I remember,” Jeongin said with a small smile.

He had never imagined that he and Hyunjin would have so much in common. 

“Well, the thing is I noticed on the way home that people have started to put up Christmas decorations… so do you perhaps want to go watch them with me?” Hyunjin asked hopefully. Jeongin smiled, happy the other man couldn’t see him as he kicked his feet like a girl in a drama, his stomach swooping - this time not from the alcohol. 

“Yeah, we could do that,” Jeongin replied, trying to keep himself from sounding too eager. He planted his teeth in his lips, not wanting to giggle in happiness. “That could be nice,” he added with a little breathless sigh.

“Good, then it’s a date,” Hyunjin said and Jeongin was almost deluded enough to think Hyunjin too was sounding a little breathless. 

“A date, definitely,” Jeongin said, trying not to smile like a lunatic. Because it wasn't a date, he knew that. Knew it couldn’t be because Hyunjin didn’t like him like that. Shouldn’t have liked him like that. “I'm looking forward to it,” Jeongin said with a little smile.

“How about next Saturday?” Hyunjin asked, seeming like he was clicking around on his computer. “We had plans to hang out anyways,” he added almost as if he was worried Jeongin wouldn’t have time, which was dumb, because even if Jeongin had had other plans he would have canceled them on the spot. 

What could possibly be more important than seeing the Christmas lights with Hyunjin? 

“Definitely,” Jeongin said with a giddy grin. He tried really hard not to squeal, butterflies attacking his stomach mercilessly as he rolled a little on the bed, sheets and pillow sighing softly at his ecstatic wiggling. “Saturday it is.”

“Good,” Hyunjin said, a smile in his voice.

“Yeah, good,” Jeongin replied, the silence growing between them. Jeongin bit his lip, looking at the closed door. “You wanna come over and have dinner?” He asked on a whim knowing that he could perhaps persuade Felix into cooking. 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin said, coughing a little as his sheet sighed again. “I’ll see you later, then.”

“Yeah, can’t wait,” Jeongin replied. They somehow managed to drag out their goodbye a few more minutes, both of them reluctant to hang up. 

In the end, though, they had to. Jeongin couldn’t stop a smile from blossoming on his face as he fell back onto his bed, his phone pressed to his heart.

Chapter Text

Jeongin felt dumb. After several moments of panic, and rushing around trying to find some mind-blowingly attractive piece of clothing and perhaps succeeding, he was standing in front of his mirror, admiring the somewhat presentable version of himself that he had curated. He looked himself over, turning a few times and admiring the forest green sweater he was wearing. It was thick and warm, but didn’t make him boxy and it hugged his body in the right place.

He blew his hair out of his eyes, reaching up to mess with the long locks. It was much too long compared to how he used to keep it, but he kind of liked that it fell into his eyes a little bit. And well, Felix kept saying it looked nice, and if Felix said he liked it then it couldn’t be all bad. 

Jeongin exhaled deeply as he walked over to his dresser picking up his crucifix. It felt oddly heavy as it settled around his neck. He looked at his rosary ring and then down to his fingers where there was barely a line anymore. 

For so many years he had carried it around and had felt it was an important and integrated part of him, but now it just felt like any other piece of jewelry. He picked it up and rolled it around between his fingers before he put it down again. 

He wasn’t regretting his choice. 

“Innie?” Hyunjin called as the door opened. Jeongin let a smile break out on his face as he turned around, slipping into the living room to greet Hyunjin. 

 His breath caught when he saw the other. 

Jeongin knew this wasn't a date. It was just them hanging out as usual, but because they had been busy they had barely seen each other the whole week and Jeongin had missed Hyunjin. 

He had really missed him.

A week, as it turned out, was just enough to make Jeongin forget how stunning Hyunjin was. 

His hair was peeking out from under his beanie, but that only meant his face was framed sharply by the black fabric. He was wearing makeup again; golden shades accentuated his eyes, a heavy line of black making them look more alluring than ever, pulling Jeongin into them, once again letting himself get lost within those brown eyes. The cold had made his cheeks blushingly pink and his lips shone from his lip balm. 

Jeongin wanted to run over and jump into his arms, kiss Hyunjin till his lips were puffy and Jeongin was all the other man would ever be able to think of. 

But he stayed put, smiling shyly, because it wasn’t a date.

“You look really nice,” Jeongin finally said, the odd tension in the room having built up until it was almost unbearable. And Hyunjin was indeed dressed nicer than he normally was when they met up. He was wearing a long trench coat - black, of course - and a royal blue scarf wrapped around his neck. Jeongin could vaguely see slacks that ended in a pair of neat ankle boots with silver buckles.

Jeongin suddenly felt underdressed in his sweater and slack combo, knowing he only had his plain black winter boots to stick his feet into. 

“So do you,” Hyunjin said almost shyly, his eyes slowly traveling up Jeongin’s body, lingering just a second on the crucifix before his gaze reached Jeongin’s eyes. “You ready?”

“Yeah, I just need my coat,” he said, stepping closer. He clapped his back pocket to make sure he had his wallet and stepped into the entryway to pull on his shoes. As the hall was very slim, he was pressed uncomfortably close to Hyunjin and he almost fainted as he took in the scent of him. He wasn’t wearing his usual cologne, but some deeper and darker... And almost more expensive. “Wow, you smell nice,” Jeongin blurted before he managed to stop himself. 

“Thanks,” Hyunjin said with a small laugh, though it wasn’t hard to miss how his cheeks flushed pink. “It’s nice, right? It was a gift from my aunt for my birthday. I only use it for special occasions.” 

Jeongin bit the inside of his cheek as he kept chanting ‘it’s not a date’ inside his head. He hoped if he said it enough times that he would eventually start believing it. 

“It’s lovely,” Jeongin said, happy he could hide his face in his scarf as he pulled his heavy peacoat on - the only nice-looking jacket he owned, that wasn’t something he had worn to church. “I'm ready,” he said, pulling a pair of leather gloves on and looking up at Hyunjin. 

He shouldn’t have because standing this close and looking up meant their faces were way too close and Jeongin once again wanted to lean in closer. The memory of the two kisses they had already shared made his blood warm. 

“Good, let’s go,” Hyunjin said, opening the door for Jeongin, offering his arm as they let the door slam closed behind them. “I have so many plans for today,” Hyunjin added with a wide smile as he dragged Jeongin down the hallway and towards the stairs.

oOo

“This is amazing,” Jeongin said, leaning closer into Hyunjin’s space to snatch another piece of tteok. The spicy sauce prickled on his tongue, but it helped heat him up from the inside. “Why haven't you taken me here before?” Jeongin chided, steam leaving his mouth as he spoke. 

He hummed happily, stealing more tteok from the cup Hyunjin was holding. 

“It is just a bit out of the way,” Hyunjin laughed as he playfully poked at Jeongin with his skewer before taking a bite himself. “And I honestly hadn’t thought too much about it. I didn’t know you like spicy food.”

“I don’t,” Jeongin said with a shrug, eyes flickering around the street they were walking down. “I'm not into spice like Minho is, because, like, that man can eat liquid fire. But I’m not nearly as bad as Chan,” he added with a smile, snatching another piece of tteok. 

“This is about as spicy as I can handle,” Hyunjin said, quickly stealing the last piece. Jeongin pouted at him, but Hyunjin just laughed. “What do you want to do next?” He asked as he dragged them to a trash can, throwing the cup away and turning to Jeongin with a happy smile. 

Hyunjin stopped, blinking as his eyes narrowed in on Jeongin’s lips.

“What?” Jeongin asked as his cheeks flushed a soft pink - and not from the cold. It felt like time slowed down when Hyunjin lifted a hand and allowed his thumb to brush over Jeongin’s bottom lip. His touch felt like fire, leaving a burning trail over Jeongin's face as his fingers pulled back from where they had briefly rested against Jeongin’s cheek. 

“You had a bit of sauce,” Hyunjin said as an explanation as he lifted his hand and licked away the little red speck, his thumb lingering on his lip as his eyes were locked on Jeongin.

Jeongin suddenly felt a little lightheaded.

 “Coffee?” Hyunjin asked as he nodded towards a nearby cafe, seemingly unaware that Jeongin’s whole head was scrambled into a mess, his cheeks hurting from the blush that spread over them. 

“Sure,” Jeongin said, a little breathless. Did that actually happen, or did he just imagine that entire exchange?

He followed as Hyunjin pulled them inside, the warmth of the place soaking into both of them immediately. 

“There,” Hyunjin said as he pointed to a table in the far corner, and gestured for Jeongin to go sit. “Do you want hot cocoa or coffee?” he asked, looking at the counter where there was a small line. 

“Cocoa,” Jeongin smiled as he slipped out of his jacket and made his way to the small table. “I’ll keep the table,” he added, rushing to the corner before the couple who entered behind them could steal it away from them. 

Jeongin draped his jacket over one of the chairs and slid into his seat, taking in the little cafe. It looked cute and modern, with wooden tables and big bold prints on the walls. Everything was in soft pastels and there was an almost romantic feel to the place. 

Jeongin picked up his phone, quickly checking his messages. There were a few teasing ones from Felix and a picture of Jisung’s roommate sleeping while he was clutching a trash can. Jeongin had to bite his lip as he held back a laugh, looking up again to see it was almost Hyunjin’s turn. 

Jeongin frowned as he looked around, spotting quite a few people holding hands and staring infatuatedly at each other. He allowed his eyes to drift over the place again, eyebrows lifting up under his bangs when he spotted two men holding hands, pressed closely up against each other as they talked in hushed voices to each other. 

Jeongin wanted to stop staring, but he just couldn't tear his eyes away. They looked so close, so familiar with each other in a way that Jeongin had only seen in his own friends or on tv. Hell, they looked more in love than he could ever remember his own parents ever looking. His stomach felt odd as he looked at them, a familiar sense of jealousy filling him at seeing them being so open and fearless about their love. Still, Jeongin couldn't help but look around, half expecting someone to come and start hitting them with a Bible. 

Jeongin forced his eyes down eventually, his gaze settling on the crucifix around his neck. He looked around nervously before he pulled the crucifix under his sweater, the gold heavier than ever as he hid it away. 

He wasn’t sure why, but he felt oddly ashamed to have it on display.

“Here,” Hyunjin said, interrupting Jeongin’s thoughts as he put two mugs of steaming cocoa with whipped cream on the table. “Seriously, the woman in front of me had an order that took like a whole minute to recite. I didn’t even know you could get a 4-shot half-white two pumps caramel something,” he said with a sigh, pulling off his jacket.

Jeongin swallowed when he saw what Hyunjin was wearing under his jacket. The long blue cardigan made him look more elegant than he normally did, and the shirt that was tugged into his pants - which made his waist look slim and inviting, begging for Jeongin to wrap his arms around it - was pure white, with black embroidery running up the front. He hadn’t closed the two upper bottoms, allowing a free view of his long and graceful neck. 

He looked like an expensive runway model who had stepped right out from the pages of a fashion magazine. 

Jeongin could feel his cheek redden as his eyes traveled down Hyunjin’s body, settling on his stomach where he knew the belly button piercing was hiding beneath the fabric. 

Jeongin wasn’t the only one staring. Far from it, actually. The whole cafe had gone a little quiet as Hyunjin pulled off his beanie and fluffed up his blond hair, completely ignorant to how several people were just ogling him. 

Jeongin cast his eyes away as the feeling of being underdressed filled him again. He breathed deeply, chanting ‘it’s not a date’ over and over again inside his head for the umpteenth time. There was no way Hyunjin had dressed up just for him. 

Perhaps he was meeting someone later… that would make more sense, even if the thought made Jeongin feel empty on the inside.

“And then she had the audacity to get upset about it taking a little longer,” Hyunjin huffed, oblivious to Jeongin’s inner conflict. With a shake of his head, he sat down in front of Jeongin looking exasperated. “Like, woman, if your order reads like the back cover of a romance novel you have to accept that it takes longer to make than just pouring two things into a cup. Poor barista almost cried of relief when I just wanted two hot cocoas,” he looked back at the counter suspiciously. “What kind of regulars do they even get here?”

“The rich and entitled kind, perhaps,” Jeongin said while he tried to pretend everything was fine and he wasn’t dying a little on the inside. 

“I'm sure Changbin’s allowance is bigger than her paycheck, and I’ve never seen him behave like that,” Hyunjin said with a sour look, finally turning his eyes to Jeongin who was once again sending the male couple long looks. “Are you okay?”  

“I'm fine,” Jeongin hurried to say as he forced his eyes to return to Hyunjin. It must have been a little too late because Hyunjin turned his head, eyes zooming in on the two men who were still holding hands, albeit giving Hyunjin some impressed looks. 

“Oh,” Hyunjin said, his shoulders falling as he leaned back in his seat. His eyes didn’t rise to meet Jeongin as he frowned down at the cocoa in front of them. “Is it not okay?” He asked, lifting his eyebrow, but his eyes remained fixed on the table.

“I was just surprised,” Jeongin said, hating how Hyunjin suddenly seemed sad. “I don’t know why, really. I… I’ve never seen a gay couple that wasn’t Felix and Changbin,” Jeongin admitted as he turned around the odd feeling in his stomach. Because it was a surprise, an envy-worthy kind of surprise. 

Something akin to fear also tinged his mood. Worry, too, because what if someone in here said something and made their bigotry hurt them. Like Jeongin had once hurt Felix, like Jeongin’s parents had hurt Jeongin. What if someone just like his parents came by spilling their self-righteous hate like acid on something so nice, so beautiful. 

The thought made him furious. And terrified.

“And I suppose that because I know them, it isn’t strange to see them being open and… out,” Jeongin mumbled, feeling a little awkward. It wasn’t that he couldn't express his feelings, it was just that nagging little voice telling him he should not that he was struggling with. “Not even in movies, or in books do you see a lot of it,” he added, eyes once more returning to the two men briefly.

Longing filled his stomach.

“I never thought I could ever be like that,” Jeongin finally said, his chest feeling a little tight, but Hyunjin was looking up again, eyes round as he looked at Jeongin. “And there they are, holding hands and looking so in love it’s sickening, and no one is saying anything,” Jeongin sighed, shoulders falling as he looked at Hyunjin with a bittersweet smile.

“And that’s amazing… and annoying, because I’ve been fearing it my whole life, and for what?” Jeongin laughed bitterly, tears prickling in his eyes. “Because I was scared people wouldn’t like me? That I wouldn’t be enough? What a fucking joke because I wasn’t enough before either and people hated me anyway,” he said trembling slightly. He felt horrible for ruining their friendly date with his consistent self-loathing, but he knew Hyunjin would never hold it against him. Hyunjin was too good for him.

“Hey,” Hyunjin said as he reached out to gasp Jeongin’s hands. “I get it, okay? I get it. I really do,” he said, his hands coming up to stroke Jeongin’s cheek and wipe away a runaway tear.

“It’s not fair,” Jeongin said, trying so hard not to cry. This was supposed to be a nice day just the two of them - not a date - it was supposed to be nice. And there Jeongin was ruining it with his wild emotions. Over two men holding hands. It was so dumb. “I'm all fucked up, Hyunjin, who would ever be able to love me when I can’t promise I could hold their hand outside?”

“You’re doing fine right now,” Hyunjin said, lifting their intertwined hands and waving them back and forth in front of Jeongin. “And you’re not fucked up. Not at all. We all have scars, and we all have parts we’re not proud of. I'm a petty asshole who’d rather shoot first and then ask questions later. You’ve experienced that yourself.”

Hyunjin squeezed Jeongin’s hand a little, taking a deep breath. 

“And if you’re not ready for all of this, for being out, and holding hands, and, I don’t know, kissing in front of people,” he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Then that's fine. You can take it all at your own pace. You just have to tell me. I’d never force you to do anything you weren’t ready for… but we’ve held hands and walked together more like a couple than friends before, and that has always been fine,” he added, eyes deep and endless as he stared at Jeongin.

Jeongin on the other hand just stared at him in slight shock, not quite able to look him in the eyes. “But we’re not…”

“Jeongin,” Hyunjin said with a sigh and a fond smile. “This is a date. A date date. I wouldn't dress this well if I weren’t out to impress, and let me tell you, very few get me at my very best.”

“Oh,” Jeongin said, cheeks getting a little red as he looked down at their hands. 

“Yeah, and this Jeongin is my absolute best,” Hyunjin said slowly and carefully. Jeongin made the mistake of looking up, his poor heart stuttering and almost coming to a stop as he was met with Hyunjin’s dark eyes very close to his own. “Is it okay if I hold your hand very platonically?” Hyunjin asked, his voice going a little deeper as he leaned closer.

Jeongin breathed in, his nose filling with the seductive scent of Hyunjin’s cologne and the soft minty chocolate whiff of his lip balm - a special choice because it was almost Christmas - and Jeongin’s head got fuzzy. 

He wanted to refute Hyunjin, but not even Jeongin could deny that this friendship had been going one way and one way only. And Jeongin was tired of fighting. He had liked Hyunjin since he was young and loved him since he knew what love was. Perhaps it was time to let go and see where the pieces would fall. 

Because clearly, Hyunjin liked him back.

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, holding on to Hyunjin tightly. “You can even hold my hand very un-platonically every time you want to,” Jeongin added shyly. He bit his lip as he looked up at Hyunjin, an odd flutter running through him when Hyunjin’s eyes zoomed in on his lips, eyes getting even darker.

“Good,” Hyunjin said, pulling Jeongin’s hand up to place a chaste kiss on his fingers. “Now, drink your cocoa before it gets cold.” 

Jeongin smiled, feeling a little like he was so light he could fly away. His eyes strayed to where the two men were sitting, both of them watching them with soft smiles. Jeongin breathed in, letting go of all his doubts, and returned to stare at Hyunjin. 

This was his first date after all. Their first date. He should enjoy it.

oOo

Jeongin had a very hard time holding back his smile as he and Hyunjin walked down the narrow streets, light from the small cafés draping them in a myriad of colors as the city slowly began to warm up to a regular Saturday with everything it entailed. 

They were still holding hands and no one seemed to care as they walked past them, their own lives and problems more important than two men holding hands on a busy street.

“You’re smiling again,” Hyunjin said, his eyes scrunching up in the way they always did when he was just about to smile. 

“So are you,” Jeongin replied, pretending he moved closer to Hyunin because he was making space for people to walk past them. The truth was that he just wanted to be closer to Hyunjin. “And I’m smiling because I’m happy.”

“Me too,” Hyunjin said, looking like he wanted to hug Jeongin. Instead, he just turned them down an even smaller street, more Christmas lights appearing. “I'm very, very happy.”

They had already been at the City Hall to watch the Christmas trees, seen the shopping district’s decorations, and for a while Hyunjin had just led them around, buying churros and bungeoppang when they passed stalls Hyunjin knew were good. They had eaten an early dinner at a small ramen place, and then spent an hour in a bookstore just browsing and showing each other their favorite books. 

It had been perfect. 

“So, are we going somewhere specific?” Jeongin asked when Hyunjin once more turned them down another tiny street, the smell of cakes and coffee enveloping them both. 

Hyunjin hummed with a small mysterious smile. “It’s a secret. But I found a really cool spot I wanted to show you,” he said, swinging their hands carefully. It was getting really cold, but Jeongin didn't care. He had been all warm on the inside all day and the more time he spent glued to Hyunjin’s side, the warmer he seemed to get.

They eventually arrived at a small garden-like square surrounded by small cafes and closed shops. There didn’t seem to be a lot of people, the ones that were seemed content to drink their coffee and admired the light. 

Fairy lights were strung up into the trees, creating a little winter wonderland and Jeongin was pretty sure that when it was spring the whole square would be covered in cherry blossom petals. It was beautiful and romantic without seeming forced.

“This is amazing,” Jeongin said, walking under the trees. It looked like something out of a drama. He looked around shyly, happy they seemed to be mostly alone. “How did you even find this place?” Jeongin asked, letting go of Hyunjin briefly to spin around and take in the light around him. 

He smiled as Hyunjin watched him, running back and taking his hand. They kept walking until they came to a stop in a dark corner, shielded away from any prying eyes by a hedge covered in a blanket of light; they could see most of the square from here, but no one could really see them. Not unless they were looking for them.

Jeongin smiled as he allowed himself to pull Hyunjin closer, no longer afraid that someone would see them. The shop next to them was closed, only the light from their decorations reaching out for them lazily.

Jeongin just stared at Hyunjin, lost in the way the other man looked more otherworldly than ever in the soft golden shimmer from above and the red and green lights being showered over them from the shop window. 

It looked almost like they were back in church, Hyunjin bathed in the light of the stained glass while Jeongin watched him with an aching heart. 

Except this time Jeongin wasn't pining. 

This time he got to hold onto Hyunjin. 

Jeongin couldn’t believe it.

“I was thinking about something,” Hyunjin said after another beat of silence where they had just been standing and taking in the lights. “How much do you really remember from last Friday night?” Hyunjin asked something a little guarded in his voice. 

Jeongin looked up at him confused.

“Erhh, chasing the cat, and then you taking me home. The details of getting into bed are a bit fuzzy though,” Jeongin answered, trying to run it all back through his memory. “I didn’t do something terrible, did I?” He asked as his smile melted off his face. 

Hyunjin shook his head and pulled him closer by his hand.

“No, though you did say you wanted to bite my cheek like an apple, but that wasn’t too bad,” he said with an impish grin. Jeongin groaned, hiding his face in Hyunjin's shoulder to shield his warm cheeks. “But, I actually have a bit of a confession to make,” Hyunjin said, voice suddenly getting serious. 

Jeongin’s heart twinged painfully in his chest as he came to a stop. Hyunjin looked like he was looking for the right words to say and Jeongin couldn’t stop himself as he reached up and cupped the other man’s cheek, smiling softly as he caught Hyunjin’s eyes.

“It’s okay,” Jeongin said, thumb stroking over Hyunjin’s cheekbone, his skin prickling where they touched. “If you can wait for me, I can wait for you.”

“Fuck,” Hyunjin said closing his eyes as he reached out and pulled Jeongin into his arms. “Jeongin, I really, really like you.” 

“I really, really like you, too,” Jeongin whispered into Hyunjin’s hair. It smelled of flowers and coconut and Jeongin swore he could breathe it all day. Hyunjin also felt right in his arms. It felt like Hyunjin was made just for Jeongin’s arms.

“I think I’ve been infatuated with you for a long time. Before I even knew you as you,” Hyunjin said, voice careful as he held onto Jeongin. “I remember loving going to church because I could hear you sing. I was too young to know about feelings and all that, but I remember stretching my neck to watch you. I was just never able to get a good look at you before my mother whisked me away, your voice ringing in my ears long after we had gone home.”

Jeongin froze, his hand digging into Hyunjin’s shoulders as he pulled him closer. 

“I know it sounds so dumb, but when I heard you sing in Chan’s apartment it just reminded me of how I used to watch you. Before I figured out I liked boys, before my life got complicated and fucked up,” he breathed out as it became his turn to cradle Jeongin’s cheek. 

“I wish I had talked to you in high school, and heard your voice, so I knew you were my little singer. I wish I fell in love with you back then, and I wish you never had to think I was dead,” Hyunjin said, thumb stroking Jeongin's cheek. “I wish we’d met in a better way, and I wish I had recognized you as the boy I used to hear singing, instead of the quiet boy from church who just followed his brother’s shadow,” Hyunjin said, staring into Jeongin’s eyes like he could see his soul. “I wish I had been braver and spoken to you before we got into an argument, and I wish that when I kissed you it had been because I liked you… Because I did like you, Jeongin. I like you so much it hurts and I can barely imagine not seeing you every day. Now that I’ve gotten a taste of your presence, I don’t think anything will ever be able to compare.”

Jeongin blinked as his eyes filled with tears, and his heart beat so fast he was concerned his ribs would be bruised.

“When I saw you for the first time at Minho’s apartment, I thought you were the prettiest man I’d ever seen in my life. I thought God was playing a cruel joke on me when you recognized me, because it just wasn’t fair to bring my past back… and I wanted you to be horrible so bad, but you’re not,” Hyunjin said, his other hand coming up so he could carefully cradle Jeongin’s face in his hands. “You’re the most wonderful person in the whole world, and, please, I'm begging you, be mine.”

Jeongin stared at Hyunjin, breath shuddering out of him.

“I've liked you since I was thirteen,” Jeongin confessed like it was a secret. “I have loved you since I was thirteen actually,” he admitted, slowly beginning to tremble. “I’ve liked you for so long… and when you died… My whole world collapsed. I- Hyunjin, I’ve been in love with you for years.”

He had expected Hyunjin to be surprised, perhaps even angry, but instead, he just smiled softly.

“I know,” he said, wiping a tear away from Jeongin’s cheek. “You told me last Friday.” Jeongin’s eyes widened, panic rushing through him. “And it made me really happy that I wasn't the only one who wanted to be more than friends,” Hyunjin said as the most beautiful smile blossomed on his face. “I’ve been flirting with you for weeks, Jeongin.”

“You have?” Jeongin asked, his heart finally seeming to calm down.

“I have. I’m glad you told me and I told you I knew, because I wanted this to start out right. No secrets, no misunderstanding, and no misconceptions,” he breathed out, still holding on to Jeongin’s face. “And I am not seeing anyone else, nor do I want to see anyone else. There is only you, Jeongin.”

“Oh, fuck,” Jeongin said, part of what he thought was a dream coming back to him. “The blue-haired guy,” he groaned in mortification. “I complained about him.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin grinned, eyes reflecting the many fairy lights above them. “And it never really worked with him. I was too busy thinking of a good little Catholic boy who I thought was an ass but who still had me wrapped around his finger.”

“I'm so sorry,” Jeongin said, blinking and making more of his tears escape. “I said some dumb things. Hyunjin, I'm so sorry,” he stuttered, hand coming up to grip Hyunjin’s waist like he wanted to stop the other man from running away.

Hyunjin wasn’t going anywhere.

“I'm not sorry,” Hyunjin said, head tilting a little to the side as he watched Jeongin with fond eyes. “I'm sorry people made you think it was your fault I died. Love isn’t a sin, I know you know that now. You couldn’t have killed me with love, Jeongin,” Hyunjin said, making Jeongin’s poor heart hurt as small tears threatened to leak out.

But he wasn’t going to cry, not now. 

“I am sorry I left you behind. I really do wish we met earlier… but then we wouldn’t have been who we are today. And I like you too much to ever give you up,” Hyunjin said with an unapologetic shrug.

Jeongin was speechless.

“Can I kiss you now?” Hyunjin asked, melting Jeongin’s heart further, leaning in a little closer. “I don’t want to give you another reason for you to kick me in the balls,” he added with a grin and Jeongin wanted to punch him. Instead, he nodded, pulling him closer.

Jeongin was tired of waiting.

Their third kiss shared together was soft. Nothing like the revenge-filled first and second they had had. This kiss was nothing more than a long press of lips against lips, but it still made Jeongin’s whole body go haywire. Hyunjin’s lips were so soft, and just a tiny bit sticky from his lip balm. Jeongin couldn't help but sigh happily when Hyunjin pulled away. 

“Oh, wait,” Hyunjin said, one hand releasing Jeongin’s face as he reached into his pocket pulling out a handful of shredded white paper. He threw it into the sky, leaning in close again, their lips barely touching. The paper fell around them like snow, twisting and turning in the air as it fluttered to the ground.

 “I wanted it to snow, but the weather wasn't with me. And I’m not waiting for it to snow to ask you out,” Hyunjin said, his lips the softest caress against Jeongin’s as he spoke. 

Jeongin didn’t reply, he just closed his eyes and pulled Hyunjin back, pressing their lips together for their fourth kiss.

This kiss was more passionate. Jeongin felt lost, oblivious to what he should do, but Hyunjin just turned his head, guiding Jeongin till the angle was right and their noses stopped bumping into each other. Their lips moved against each other effortlessly and Jeongin swore he could feel it in his toes. When Hyunjin deepened the kiss, Jeongin sighed, melting into the man he loved so dearly. He lifted his arms to wrap them around Hyunjin’s neck, holding him close. 

So close no one would be able to take Hyunjin away from him again. 

Jeongin didn’t object when Hyunjin’s tongue swept over his lips, instead, he sighed, allowing Hyunjin to dive in deeper, this time really making Jeongin’s toes curl up in his boots. He tasted of sugar, and the coffee they had shared after they had been to the bookstore, sweet and bitter on his tongue. Jeongin couldn’t get enough, the feeling of Hyunjin so close making him shiver and cling to him like he might disappear at any moment.

Hyunjin sneaked his hand behind Jeongin’s head, and angled the kiss differently, making Jeongin weak in his knees, and perhaps he would have fallen to the ground if not for Hyunjin holding him tightly around his waist.

It was like he was tasting heaven, drinking up redemption from an accused sinner’s lips and Jeongin didn’t want to stop. And he knew he didn’t have to, because there was nothing sinful about this. Nothing at all. There was nothing, but Hyunjin, their bodies, and lips pressed together under the fairy lights above them. 

A perfect moment. 

Just like Jeongin had imagined.

When they broke apart they were both panting, short for air, but Jeongin couldn’t help but smile so wide his cheeks hurt. Getting up on his toes he showered Hyunjin’s whole face with small kisses, something finally settling deep in his chest.

Hyunjin laughed and tried to chase Jeongin’s lips again, kissing him a few more times, just soft and loving touches because he couldn’t help himself. Jeongin felt like he might fly away with how happiness was surging through him, making him feel all giddy on the inside.

“So,” Hyunjin asked, leaning his forehead against Jeongin’s and closing his eyes as they just basked in the presence of one another. “Wanna be mine?”

“Yeah,” Jeongin answered without even the slightest hesitation. “If you’ll be mine.” 

oOo

God

Thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you

oOo

“I really have to go in now,” Jeongin said with a smile as he leaned up to give Hyunjin another peck on his lips. Hyunjin didn’t reply, he just followed Jeongin’s lips, deepening the kiss as he pushed him against the door, encasing him with his arms, one on each side of Jeongin. 

Jeongin felt drunk in the presence of Hyunjin. After finally having tasted the object of his deepest desires he knew there was no turning back. Hyunjin was everything, the air Jeongin breathed and the ground he stood on. Finally, after so many years of holding back and ignoring his desire, he felt like a dam had been broken within him, allowing all of his longing to wash over him.

He couldn’t get enough of Hyunjin.

“Hyun,” Jeongin moaned, hands pushing in under Hyunjin’s beanie so he could finally get his hair between his fingers. “Not here,” he whispered breathlessly against Hyunjin’s lips. They really shouldn’t continue this here when someone might see, or worse, hear them. But Jeongin couldn’t find it in himself to push Hyunjin away. It still felt too good to be true.

“But I’ll miss you,” Hyunjin whispered against Jeongin’s lips, still not pulling away, yet mindful of how the door to Jeongin’s apartment wasn’t soundproof. He pulled back, just barely, as he checked the long hallway. It remained deserted. “I don’t wanna miss you,” Hyunjin said, showering Jeongin’s face in small kisses.

“Hyun, please,” Jeongin giggled, stealing a few kisses himself. “We can meet again tomorrow,” he said, turning his head so he could stare at Hyunjin. Even with a crooked beanie that was almost falling off and kiss swollen lips, he was so beautiful it took Jeongin’s breath away. “I should be back from church around noon?”

“I could also just pick you up?” Hyunjin asked with a playful smile and a raised eyebrow. “Walk home, together arm in arm,” he added with a smile, hand grasping Jeongin’s waist firmly. “Maybe get lunch, hold hands under the table… go home, and make out again.”

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, cheeks hurting from how much he had been smiling. “I’d like that a lot,” he said as he leaned up to kiss Hyunjin again. He pulled back before Hyunjin could deepen the kiss, knowing they would most likely stay out all night if Jeongin didn’t put his foot down soon. 

“Just… remember you can say no,” Hyunin said with a tight smile, suddenly cautious. “And if you don’t feel comfortable we don’t have to go out or-”

“Shh,” Jeongin said as he placed his hand on Hyunjin’s cheek. “We will figure it out. Together. And I already made the choice that I wasn't going to try and be anything but myself. So relax. If you do something I don’t want I’ll tell you, just like you’ll tell me if I do something that upsets you,” Jeongin continued, his heart fluttering around his chest when Hyunjin smiled at him.

“I like that. Together, it’s a great word,” Hyunjin grinned as he leaned into Jeongin’s touch. 

“The best,” Jeongin laughed back as he once more leaned up to kiss Hyunjin softly. “Good night,” he said, stepping back as Hyunjin’s arms reluctantly released him. 

“Good night,” Hyunjin said with a smile. He lifted his hand and touched Jeongin’s cheek softly before stepping back. 

“Sweet dreams,” Jeongin said leaning back against the door. He wanted to invite Hyunjin in, to spend all his time with him… but none of them were quite there yet. Besides, Jeongin needed a good long squeal on his bed. 

“Don’t worry, they will be,” Hyunjin said with that impish grin that made Jeongn’s stomach feel weird back on his face. “Because you’ll be in them,” he added with a laugh, dodging when Jeongin reached out to hit his shoulder.

“Yah!” Jeongin yelled, for once not caring if anyone heard them. “Get out of here!”

“Yes, sir,” Hyunjin grinned as he walked backward toward the stair, his eyes on Jeongin. “See you tomorrow,” he said, words like a promise. Jeongin had to give up on his plan to hold back his smile as he beamed at Hyunjin, barely looking as he slipped through the door to the apartment. 

He quelled the urge to keep watching Hyunjin as he turned to walk down the stairs but he was already feeling a little too much like a lovesick character from a drama, so he just closed the door, letting out a tiny happy sigh in the dark hallway.

“I'm home,” Jeongin announced as he kicked off his shoes. He noticed Changbin’s boots and smirked. “You two better be decent, or I'm kicking you out,” he added with a grin, his phone buzzing in his pocket.

“We’re both dressed,” Felix replied, the roll of his eyes clear in his voice while Changbin just huffed loudly. Jeongin smirked at Felix’s comeback before he checked his phone. His heart skipped a beat when he noticed it was Hyunjin who had texted him. 

miss you ❤️

Jeongin bit his lip, feeling giddy as he punched in his reply a little too fast.

Miss you, too ❤️

Stuffing his phone back in his pocket, he dared to enter the dark living room, waving at Changbin and Felix who were wrapped together like vines on the couch, watching a movie. The lights were off and Jeongin was somewhat relieved they weren't able to see him. He was pretty sure his lips were puffy from kissing and that his cheeks had been painted a permanent pink.

“You two have a good time?” Felix asked as he lifted his head from Changbin’s chest to look at Jeongin. “You were gone all day.”

“Yeah, we just walked around after we finished seeing the lights,” Jeongin said casually as he could while he felt his cheeks heat up again. “Got some dinner and then got lost in a bookstore,” he shrugged slowly making his way to his room. 

“There is some leftover Chinese in the fridge,” Changbin said with a smile as he played a little with Felix’s hair. “Come join us.”

“I’m just gonna change,” Jeongin said with a smile at Felix, who had already rested his head back on Changbin’s chest. Changbin just nodded, eyes returning to the TV. Jeongin slipped silently into his room and closed the door. The room seemed almost too bright as he turned on the light.

Jeongin took a deep breath and smiled at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was messy from when he had pulled his hat off and his lips were pink and puffy from kissing. He was Hwang Hyunjin’s. His boyfriend. The thought made him giggly and Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from throwing himself on the bed, clutching a pillow to his chest. 

It seemed almost unreal, but so so very real at the same time. 

“I kissed Hyunjin,” Jeongin confessed to his plants. In his head, they all seemed to be appropriately shocked and delighted. He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of the small pieces of paper Hyunjin had thrown up in the air to simulate snow. “He even made it snow for me,” Jeongin added, thinking of how the two of them had spent a good ten minutes picking up the paper snow and collecting it in a small pouch Hyunjin had brought so he could recycle it. Jeongin had sneaked a few pieces into his pocket, so he could keep them as a reminder of this perfect night.

“And I’m his boyfriend. He told me he liked me,” he said with another smile at his ceiling, twisting the paper snow between his fingers. His hand slid down to rest over his heart, bumping into something hard under his sweater. With a frown, Jeongin pulled out his crucifix, abandoning the paper snow on his nightside table. 

Later he would hide it in a little box, the first of many mementos. 

He looked at the gold crucifix, smile fading as he held it in his hand. The little Jesus depiction stared back at him impassively but suddenly Jeongin could hear his mom’s voice. He could feel the shame and the nagging from her, her disappointment in him after having given in to temptation. 

Jeongin closed his eyes. He knew that his parent’s son, the one they had raised him to be, would feel ashamed to have done what Jeongin had done today. He would feel dirty after having indulged in something so obscene as to kiss a man, and then even done it out on the open street where anyone could have seen them. Jeongin could have been seen, he could have been discovered. His biggest sin could have been laid bare and Jeongin should have been terrified.

Except, he couldn’t stop thinking of the two strangers holding hands. They were so happy and free and all Jeongin wanted was to be like them. He wanted to be as happy as Changbin and Felix. He had already converted in faith, but holding on to his crucifix, he wondered if he had truly converted in his heart. 

Jeongin opened his eyes, determination settling deep inside his chest. 

He had changed, fully and irrevocably. The old Jeongin was no more; the old mask he had hidden behind was long gone, so he wondered why he still dragged around a memento that didn’t mean the same anymore.

His crucifix had always been a symbol of his dedication to being a good son. It had been a sign of his faith, a promise to himself not to become a sinner. He still remembered getting it at his confirmation when he was younger. Before he got sick at the sight of blood, before he became a disappointment to his parents, before he started liking boys, and before he became a sinner.

He looked at his palm, at the many fine cuts littering this palm from all the times the gold had cut into him, hurt him, and made him bleed. He looked at the almost healed wounds from last week, flaky and scabbed over…Faith wasn’t supposed to scar you. It wasn’t supposed to kill you or swallow you up in misery.

Faith was like love, beautiful even if sometimes difficult.

Jeongin pulled the heavy gold ornament off, resting it in his palm. For years it had been part of him, but now it felt foreign. Like a broken branch that needed to be trimmed for the benefit of the tree as a whole. It wasn't a part of him anymore, so why was he even wearing it?

Why was he allowing it to hurt him, to scar him still even when he knew it was wrong?

With a last deep breath, Jeongin walked to his dresser and placed the crucifix down in the little box next to his rosary ring. Somehow he knew he wouldn’t wear it again. Not for a long time at least.

On his bed, his phone buzzed and Jeongin didn’t look at the crucifix again as he jumped over, laughing as he accepted Hyunjin’s call. His heart was giddy as he spotted the little pieces of shredded paper snow.

He felt lighter and happier than he could ever remember feeling in his whole life.

Chapter Text

Jeongin felt like he was floating, as if at any moment’s notice, he would fly off and away if it wasn’t for Hyunjin on top of him, pressing him down into the cushions of the couch. His fingers were buried in the fabric of Hyunjin’s shirt, the worn cotton soft beneath his skin. He broke away from Hyunjin briefly, panting as he looked up at Hyunjin’s dark eyes that were boring holes into him. Hyunjin licked his lips before surging back in to capture Jeongin’s lips again after allowing the younger a moment to collect himself.

Jeongin had heard people say they were addicted to kissing, and Jeongin had always thought they were idiots, because how could the connection of lips be that amazing and mind-blowing? Kissing was just a press of lips against lips, it couldn’t be more addicting than actual chemical substances, could it? Oh, how wrong and innocent Jeongin had been.

It didn’t matter how much he had kissed Hyunjin in the last week, Jeongin just couldn't get enough. It didn’t matter if his lips were sore, it didn't matter that it felt like he couldn’t get enough air. All that mattered was the feeling of Hyunjin moving against him, how he and Jeongin melted together into one being, one ending where the other started. 

Even here they fit perfectly. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin breathed when Hyunjin finally pulled away from his lips only to press a long line of toe-curling kisses down Jeongin’s neck. “Please,” he begged, unsure about what it was exactly he was asking for. All he knew was that he needed Hyunjin as close as possible.

Hyunjin’s reply came in the form of a scrape of teeth against the soft skin just by Jeongin’s ear. The action made him moan loudly as he pushed himself further into the cushions, pulling Hyunjin with him by his shirt.

“My Innie,” Hyunjin whispered against Jeongin’s throat, words tickling Jeongin’s ears, making him whimper. Not even the serpent luring Eve into temptation could have sounded this seductive and persuasive. “Do you like being touched like this?” Hyunjin asked, one of his burning hands slipping under Jeongin’s shirt, setting him aflame and giving him goosebumps all over at the same time. Jeongin practically whimpered.

Surprised by the sounds coming out of him, he grabbed Hyunjin’s face and pulled him back in a messy kiss. Kissing was good, kissing was nice, and kissing made it easier to ignore the pressing desire growing in Jeongin’s lower belly. Something he was not ready to deal with right now, and something he would rather just forget about because he honestly didn’t know how things would end if he actually acknowledged it. 

For now, getting lost on Hyunjin’s lips was all he could manage.

He understood why Father Kim had warned him of temptation because if Jeongin had known it would feel this good kissing a boy - Hyunjin, especially - he wouldn’t have waited this long doing it. Who needed space for Jesus when Jeongin could have Hwang Hyunjin - The Fucking Hwang Hyunjin! - hovering above him, pressing him down and igniting feelings Jeongin had never felt. Sorry, Jesus. 

Jeongin pulled a moan of his own out of Hyunjin when broke the kiss and planted his own row of kisses up and down Hyunjin’s throat. The skin was so warm and soft and Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from biting Hyunjin, not hard, but just enough to leave a mark. 

“Fuck,” Hyunjin gasped, pressing his body closer to Jeongin as he hissed at the pleasureful pain. The hand under Jeongin slipped up higher, playing with the dips of muscle just under Jeongin’s ribs. “Such a pretty boy,” Hyunjin muttered between kisses, making Jeongin whine as he pressed their chests together, bringing them even closer. “Fuck, you look so gorgeous right now,” he praised, pulling away to look down at Jeongin as he breathed hard, his heart beating wildly in his chest. It felt like his blood was singing, running wild in his veins with euphoria. 

He got why this was a sin a lot of people were willing to commit now, because Jeongin wasn’t sure he would ever be able to live without feeling like this again. 

“Look at you,” Hyunjin said, his heated eyes looking Jeongin over like he was one of his pieces of art. Hyunjin pushed up on one of his elbows so he could look down at Jeongin, eyes dark with hunger and want. “Such a beautiful boy,” he said, voice low and gravelly.  

Jeongin couldn’t hold back a shiver, especially not when the hand under his shirt crept higher, just barely touching the soft tender skin under Jeongin’s chest. Hyunjin’s thumb rubbed teasingly under his pectoral, just under Jeongin’s nipple. Back and forth, maddeningly never moving closer. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin moaned, eyes never straying from his lover’s face. Jeongin had always thought Hyunjin was gorgeous, but now, his hair messy and his lips pink and shiny, courtesy of Jeongin himself, his eyes endlessly dark and full of everything Jeongin desired, he looked more stunning than ever. “Pretty,” Jeongin said, voice light and breathless. 

“You’re prettier,” Hyunjin said with a deadly smirk as he leaned in again. “My beautiful Innie,” he said thumb finally flickering over Jeongin’s nipple. Jeongin’s toes almost curled in on themselves, a sound that was a barely concealed whimper escaping him. Hyunjin grinned, his smile wicked as he did it again, Jeongin moaning as his abdomen tightened. “The sounds you make,” Hyunjin said, almost breathless. “My perfect muse.”

Jeongin narrowed his eyes, his own hand slipping up under Hyunjin’s shirt, hand pressing up against his firm abdomen as he found the belly button piercing that had been haunting his dreams and flicked it.

Hyunjin hissed, surging in on Jeongin and smashing their lips together in a wild kiss. Jeongin moaned, nails digging into Hyunjin’s skin as the other man deepened the kiss. Jeongin’s hand was pressed against Hyunjin’s abdomen, the little stone heating up between them. He sighed as Hyunjin pressed closer, their lower bodies pressing together, and a lightning of pleasure rushed through him, both from the feeling of their bodies this close, but also from the knowledge that Hyunjin wanted him - no, needed him - as much as Jeongin did him. 

“Fuck, Innie, you drive me crazy,” Hyunjin said as he broke the kiss to stare down at Jeongin again. Jeongin couldn’t help but flick Hyunjin’s piercing one last time with his thumb before he allowed his hands to drift over Hyunjin’s abdomen around his waist and to his back, pulling a hiss out of his lover. “Jeongin,” Hyunjin said with a hint of warning in his voice when Jeongin allowed his hand to travel down, hovering just above his lower back.

Jeongin raised his eyebrow in challenge, letting his fingers dip a little lower, just barely touching the hem of Hyunjin's pants. He smiled slyly when Hyunjin inhaled sharply, leaning down to capture Jeongin’s lips again, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth and...

The front door banged open.

“Hi, Innie!” Felix called as the sound of his big puffy jacket being zipped down reached them. 

Jeongin bit back a curse as Hyunjin jumped off him, scrambling to get his clothing in order. Jeongin scooted up, stealing a pillow and placing it on his lap. “Seriously, the bus was stuffed on my way home. I can’t believe this many people are going home right now,” Felix continued on as the sound of his boots hitting the floor announced that he would enter the room soon. Hyunjin ran his hand through his hair, almost throwing himself on the other end of the couch and crossing his legs. 

“What have you been up t- Well, hello there, Hyunjin,” Felix smirked as he took in the two of them. Jeongin tried to look innocent, pressing the pillow in his lap closer without drawing too much attention to… the situation below. Though that was very quickly disappearing from pure embarrassment. “I see you two had a nice afternoon,” he added amused, entering the living room and taking in the appearance of the two.

“We were just talking,” Jeongin said with a cough, eyes flickering to where Hyunjin was trying to look innocent and failing. If his messy hair hadn't been a dead giveaway, then the teeth mark Jeongin had left on his neck definitely was. 

“About something riveting, I'm sure,” Felix grinned knowingly. “I’ll go put my bag down so you can fix your clothing. And, Hyunjin, you might need to make sure you cover those teeth marks for class tomorrow,” he said with a wink as he made his way to his room, before adding under his breath; “It’s always the quiet ones.” 

Jeongin groaned, feeling a little like he wanted to die. He looked at Hyunjin who was busy trying to fix his clothing, buttoning his shirt, and brushing his hair down with his fingers. 

When he felt Jeongin’s eyes on him, he looked up, their eyes meeting for a moment before they both broke into laughter.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin breathed as he inched towards Jeongin, pulling him closer. “Next time we do this at my place, or in your room,” he laughed, hands running through Jeongin’s hair, trying to settle down the messed up strands. 

“At least you were wearing clothing when someone walked in on you this time,” Jeongin quipped, laughing when Hyunjin dove at him, his fingers attacking Jeongin’s ribs mercilessly.

“No, Hyun, that tickles,” he laughed breathlessly, grasping Hyunjin’s shoulder to push him away, digging his fingers into the muscles of his arm. “No, no,” he pleaded, squirming away, tightening his grip. 

“Brat,” Hyunjin huffed, though he did stop his attack on Jeongin. However, he didn’t do anything to move out of Jeongin’s personal space. “Well, no keeping it a secret from Felix… and you seriously left a mark on my neck?” He asked, his hand running up and down his tender skin.

“It should fade… or, I hope it will,” Jeongin said, hand reaching up to gently feel the indentations of his own teeth. They were almost gone, but he had indeed left a red mark on the paler skin. 

“Hmm, sexy,” Hyunjin said with a wiggle of his eyebrow. Jeongin didn’t reply, he just smacked him with the pillow he had used to cover himself. “What, I like it when my lovers mark me. Makes me feel like they want to keep me… claim me,” he said, voice getting a little darker, leaning closer with the obvious intention of capturing Jeongin’s lips in another fiery kiss.

“You’re not as silent as you think you are!” Felix yelled from the room he was still hiding in. Jeongin rolled his eyes, vowing to get revenge the next time Changbin was over. As he went to push Hyunjin off him, the other grabbed his wrist and made Jeongin look up at him with big eyes. 

“Is it okay?” Hyunjin asked in a hushed voice, eyes flickering to where Felix was still hiding as he moved to thread their fingers together. “That Felix knows?” He settled himself properly beside Jeongin, hands still clasped together.

“I would be a bit of a hypocrite if it wasn’t, wouldn’t I?” Jeongin said with a wry smile as he leaned back to stare at Hyunjin. It was a talk they had had in part over the last few days, whether they wanted their relationship to remain hidden for now, or if they wanted to share it with everyone right off the bat. Jeongin didn’t care - or at least willed himself not to care - while Hyunjin was the one wanting to break things a little slower to the others. 

In the end, they had settled on letting those who figured it out, figure it out. They wouldn’t actively hide it, but they wouldn’t proclaim their relationship to the world either, at least not yet.

“You’re not a hypocrite,” Hyunjin sighed. “You’re a person who struggled to find himself, and who is still trying to figure himself out. That takes time,” he breathed in deeply, glancing up at Jeongin. “And if you need us to cool it a bit, I’ll… I’ll cool it,” he finished with a determined expression, squeezing Jeongin’s hand. 

“Did I seem like I wanted to take it slower?” Jeongin said, leaning closer to Hyunjin. He smiled, stealing a peck from his boyfriend - a term that made his stomach swoop. “If I don’t like where things are going, I know how to say no,” Jeongin finished, smiling against Hyunjin’s lips before he pulled back.

“I don’t know how I got so lucky,” Hyunjin sighed as he looked at Jeongin with those soft dark eyes of his. “I'm pretty sure I don’t deserve you.”

“Hmm, I personally think I have rather good taste in men,” Jeongin commented deviously, pulling their joined hands up and kissing them softly. “Don’t diss my boyfriend. I’ll get mad.”

“Yeah, I’ll shut up then,” Hyunjin said with a laugh, crossing his legs again. “I can still remember how much it hurt the last time you got mad at me,” he joked, laughing when Jeongin shoved at his arm. 

“I'm coming out now!” Felix yelled from his room, his shaggy blond head being the first thing popping into the room, followed by his big brown eyes. “You two decent?”

“When weren’t we decent?” Jeongin retorted, glaring mockingly at his friend. “We were fully dressed when you came home. We weren’t even touching.”

“Hmm, somehow I think it would have looked a little different if I had come home ten minutes later,” Felix scoffed, as he stepped into the room, now dressed in one of Changbin’s shirts that hung off his narrow frame. “Poor couch.”

“Yeah, well it’s used to you and Changbin,” Jeongin huffed, his hand stopping Hyunjin from moving away. “Hyunjin is staying for dinner,” he added, not allowing any objections.

“I gathered,” Felix said, dumping himself into the other couch facing them with narrowed eyes. “I’m not having pizza,” was his only comment before he threw himself into a dramatic retelling of his trip home. 

Hyunjin seemed thrown off for a moment, but Jeongin smiled at his roommate because he and Felix were the same. They understood each other even without speaking. With a content sigh, Jeongin settled his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder laughing at Felix’s wild gestures, something warm and happy settling in his stomach.

oOo

Dear God…

Please don’t take anything I think or say to heart when Hyunjin is kissing me.

I really don’t think straight when he’s touching me.

Sorry…

Kinda.

He really is talented at kissing though.

oOo

“So, does this make me look ugly?” Jisung asked, holding up a brightly decorated shirt that looked a little like it had been used to mob up paint and vomit. “I think it might suit me,” Jisung said, twirling around like the shirt was a ball gown, pinching the edges between his fingertips. 

“It makes you look like an idiot,” Minho answered from where he was looking at the black caps - no doubt looking for one to give to Chan for Christmas. 

“You could have at least looked at it,” Jisung complained as he put the ugly t-shirt back in place. “I could have been serious, you know.”

“You’re never serious. Besides, I know you well enough to know that you’re posing with the horrendous tie-dye monstrosity,” Minho said with a wink over his shoulder, laughing when Jisung pouted at him. “You need a new audience, Honey. I’ve seen it all. Nothing can shock me,” Minho teased, turning back to admire the black caps which all looked similar in the eyes of Jeongin. 

“They really have the oddest relationship,” Hyunjin whispered to Jeongin, half-hidden behind a rack of coats so he could hold Jeongin’s hand out of sight. “Like Minho and Chan have something going on, but those two…”

“They’re soulmates,” Jeongin said with a look at his friends who were back to bickering like an old married couple. “I don’t get it either. Sometimes I even wonder if Seungmin and Jisung have something going on too. But hey, whatever works for them, I guess,” Jeongin said with a shrug. 

“Hmm, I’m just glad I have you,” Hyunjin said, looking around before he pulled Jeongin close to kiss his forehead. “All I need,” he said with a fond smile. Jeongin just rolled his eyes, though it was hard not to smile when his stomach fluttered like he had trapped a whole bunch of butterflies inside his ribcage. 

“Sap,” was all Jeongin said as he kept browsing the clothing in front of him. “Go try on that leather jacket I found you. I won't go missing because you’re in the dressing room for five seconds,” he added, shooing Hyunjin away and towards the dressing rooms. 

“I love it when you’re bossy,” Hyunjin laughed before drifting away with the jacket. Jeongin just huffed and walked over to Jisung who was looking at old handbags for some reason. He held out a pink faux leather one with a yellow mushroom stamped on it, indicating a need for Jeongin’s honest opinions on it. The younger one just raised an eyebrow at it. Jisung sighed, putting it down on the display again, shaking his head in defeat.

“You two seem friendly,” Jisung said when Jeongin finally settled in the empty space next to him. “You told him he’s your first crush?” He asked, pretending to be innocent. Jeongin just sighed, knowing there was no point in keeping anything from Jisung. He was too damn perceptive for his own good. 

“Confessed it while I was drunk, apparently,” he said, glaring when Jisung guffawed. “Turned out he didn’t mind,” he added, frowning at some of the gaudy-looking things. He looked up, eyes settling on a big fur coat. Fascinating things this store had in stock.

“Hmm, new beginnings deserve to be honest,” Jisung said in a voice that made him sound like a bad knock-off fortune seer. “Especially if you want it to last. Have you finally discovered the fur coat I wanted you to see?” He asked, looking up with a knowing smirk.

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, walking over and pulling it off the hanger. He held it up in front of him, admiring the view. With a smile, he slipped it on. “It’s pretty cool, but when the hell do you wear something like this?” He asked with a laugh, posing in front of one of the many mirrors.

“What’s up, boss?” Minho asked with a smirk as he walked over to them, a black cap dangling from his fingers. “You look like a mobster, Innie,” he laughed, pulling his phone out and snapping some pictures. “Chan will love this,” Minho muttered. Jisung snickered as he and Jeongin shared a knowing look.

“Innie?” Hyunjin asked, walking over, the leather jacket draped deliciously over his shoulder. “How does it lo- What in the world? I leave you for five seconds and you take over the criminal underworld,” Hyunjin grinned leaning up against the wall the mirror was placed on.

“He just needs to wear this underneath,” Minho added, pulling out a flashy white and black spotted silk shirt. “Then it will be complete.”

“Don't forget sunglasses, you heathens,” Jisung laughed, as Jeongin glared at them.

“Yah,” Jeongin drawled, attempting his best to sound like a mobster to play along with the others. “Who do you think you are, you listless roaches? Get in line, you ungrateful bastards!” He tried really hard not to laugh, but when Hyunjin let out a shrill giggle, almost bending in two as he laughed, Jeongin couldn’t hold back his own grin.

“Amazing,” Minho said, clearly filming him. “The clothes really do maketh the man.”

“It’s a fur coat,” Jeongin laughed, pulling the jacket off. It was a little too warm to wear over his regular winter clothing. He turned his attention to Hyunjin, taking in the sight of his boyfriend dressed in the jacket he had picked out for him. It looked handsome on him, hugging his shoulders just right and making his long arms look inviting. Jeongin wanted to do nothing more than slide his hands underneath the jacket and pull Hyunjin into a hug around his waist. “The jacket looks amazing, Hyun. I told you it would fit perfectly,” he said as he unzipped his jacket and unraveled his scarf, suddenly dying from overheating. 

Beside him, Jisung let out a shrill yell, rushing to pat Jeongin down, clearly searching for something.

“Shit, Innie, did you drop your cross?” Jisung asked concerned eyes already drifting over the floor in a panic. “Fuck, that has got to be crazily expensive.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jeongin said, lifting his hand to his chest, meeting nothing but the soft cotton of his own shirt. Not even against his skin could he feel the metal rub against him. “I’ve stopped wearing my crucifix,” he said with a deep breath. Somehow this was worse to admit than being with Hyunjin. Perhaps it was because he had always known he was a sinner in the eyes of his own faith, but he had never thought he would have ended up abandoning it completely. 

Even if Jeongin hadn’t abandoned God, it sometimes felt like he had abandoned his own upbringing… and that hurt. 

“It didn’t feel right to wear anymore,” Jeongin said, leaving it at that. He knew he should just say he had converted, that he had found a place where his faith and his sexuality could co-exist, but it just didn’t feel right. Not yet. “Still having a crisis of faith,” he said, eyes on his own shoes. 

“Fair,” Jisung said with an understanding smile. “Whatever makes you happy,” he added, taking the big fur coat and hanging it back where he found it. “You want to go grab some coffee?” He asked, his distraction a welcome gift. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said with a smile. “I’d love that.”

“Good, get Hyunie’s stuff and we’ll meet at the till,” he said, clapping Jeongin on the shoulder and jumping over to Minho who was looking at Jeongin with kind eyes. Thankfully he didn’t say anything, just nodded at Jeongin and followed after Jisung.

Jeongin turned, meeting Hyunjin’s sad eyes.

“Did you take it off for me?” Hyunjin asked, almost hesitantly. He bit his lip, eyes falling to the floor. “Because you didn't have to, you know. I wouldn't want you to change that part of yourself for me,” Hyunjin added, hands fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie.

“I took it off because it was more a symbol of my parents and their faith than of my own,” Jeongin said with a shrug, walking closer. He took Hyunjin’s hand and lifted it so he could press it against his heart, right where his crucifix used to rest. “I don’t need a crucifix to prove my faith. I don’t need to carry it around to feel God’s love, and, Hyunjin, I like you, a lot, but even you can not erase my faith in God,” he said as he pulled Hyunjin’s fingers up to kiss them, smiling gently at him.

“I am a devout Christian, I will always be. I don’t care if you don’t believe anymore, or if your faith doesn't require you to follow the preaching of Christ. I like you, and no religion will ever change that,” Jeongin said as he looked directly into Hyunjin’s eyes. “I know you’d never ask me to change because I would never ask you to change. I took the crucifix off because it felt so much like an old and broken part of me. It reminded me of how the Catholic Church sees our love as a sin, as something wrong… And that isn’t right, Hyun,” he continued, his free hand reaching up to touch Hyunjin’s face, stroking softly over the apple of his cheek. 

“What we have isn’t a sin,” Jeongin said, trying to fill his words with as much sincerity as he could muster. Because he needed Hyunjin to know he didn't feel like that anymore, and never really had. Jeongin needed Hyunjin to know he wasn’t scared. “What we have is good, it is beautiful, and it’s a gift from God. Anyone who says differently is lying, and that crucifix was my last tie to a path that would rather see me miserable than happy. They use the word of God to control us, to condemn us on His behalf even though that isn’t in their power.” 

Jeongin took a deep breath, thumb stroking Hyunjin’s cheek as he just watched Jeongin patiently. 

By God’s grace, Jeongin was so lucky to get Hyunjin back in his life. That was the only miracle Jeongin had really needed to have his faith confirmed. His own miracle of Lazarus. 

“I believe in God, but not in a God who’d hate me for loving. I believe He led us back together. He made sure that in this huge city we were lucky enough to find each other. He led me to the Protestant church so I could learn how His words can be misused, and I was given a new family in my friends so I could learn what love really was,” Jeongin said, a bright smile breaking free on his face. “And I was given you, back from the dead, to cherish for the rest of my life. How can I not believe, Hyunjin?”

“What if I’m never able to go to church with you? If I'm not able to be with you in your faith?” Hyunjin asked, eyes guarded as he looked down at Jeongin. “If God was used as a punishment to the point where my faith cracked and I’m not able to go back?”

“Then I will like you all the same,” Jeongin said with a smile, reaching up to kiss Hyunjin’s cheek. “Besides, I heard from Doyun that outdoor weddings are all the rave. He has married people in all sorts of places. Parks, the forest, the beach. Protestants get married here, there and everywhere,” he added teasingly. 

“And if we can’t get married?” Hyunjin asked, lifting an eyebrow. Jeongin felt giddy by the thought of maybe marrying Hyunjin. “This is South Korea. We’d never be accepted. At least not yet.”

“Then we’ll get married overseas, or we’ll just live in sin for the rest of our lives,” Jeongin shrugged. It wasn't a deal-breaker by any means. He hadn't jumped into this without knowing what he was doing. “I’m sure I will be able to swing it with God later. He will understand how troublesome bureaucracy can be sometimes.” 

“You’re really something,” Hyunjin said, shoulders relaxing like a stone was removed from his shoulders. 

“Religion isn’t a shackle. If it is, then something is wrong,” Jeongin said, caressing Hunjin’s face softly. “I learned that the hard way. My crucifix was becoming a shackle. So it needed to go. One day I might buy a regular cross. It might make me stand out a little less in the church as well, but until then I don't need to show my faith, because I know where I stand,” he finished, and pulled away, letting his hands travel to rest on Hyunjin’s shoulders.

“Now, hand over that jacket so I can buy it for you for Christmas,” Jeongin said, peeling the leather off Hyunjin’s frame. “You remember nothing,” he added with a hard look at Hyunjin who was still just staring at him with an unreadable look in his eyes. “What?” Jeongin asked, confused when Hyunjin just kept staring at him.

“You’re amazing,” was all Hyunjin said, reaching out and pulling Jeongin into his arms. “I don’t deserve you.”

“But you do,” Jeongin said with conviction as he wrapped his own arms around Hyunjin. “If you hadn’t deserved me, you wouldn’t have gotten me.”

And it really was that simple. They deserved each other, and they deserved to be happy. 

“Fuck,” Hyunjin breathed, holding Jeongin closer. Jeongin didn’t say anything when he felt a few tears dampen his hair. 

“I know what I agreed to, Hyun,” Jeongin whispered into Hyunjin’s ear. “I know what I'm leaving behind, and what I'm accepting. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it and I'm worth it. God loves us, even when we don’t believe. We were just shit unlucky to be born into a free world where God can’t interfere too much, and where His words are being used to cause harm to others. It has nothing to do with us, and even if we both grew up thinking we’re sinners, it’s a lie. It’s a lie our parents told us because they couldn’t admit they were wrong.”

“I wish I could have your faith,” Hyunjin muttered, pulling away. His eyes were a little red, but it wasn’t too bad. Nothing Jeongin could explain away by dust in case Jisung asked too many questions. 

“That's why I have enough for the both of us,” Jeongin said with a smile. “It hasn’t been easy to get here, Hyun, but I know now I can love God and still be me. I can be with you and still be loved by God. It was always an option," he said as he reached up and kissed Hyunjin chastely on the mouth. "Now, go get your things."

Hyunjin looked at Jeongin like he wanted to say something, but in the end, he just bit his lip, nodding as he turned around to get his things. As promised, Jeongin bought the jacket and had it wrapped. Thankfully, neither Jisung nor Minho said anything when they finally exited the second-hand shop, instead, they just dragged them to the nearest café, not even a questioning look in sight.

Jeongin held Hyunjin’s hand the whole time, even when a few older ladies gave them weird looks. In the end, it didn’t hurt as much as Jeongin had feared. 

After all, with Hyunjin at his side, he felt like he could do anything.

With Hyunjin he felt whole for the first time in years like he was finally complete.

oOo

Dear God…

I think I love him…

No, I know, I love him

Thank you, for making my heart big enough for all this

Thank you for giving him to me

For letting me love him

oOo

“I really don’t get how you make sense out of this,” Changbin said as he frowned down at Jeongin’s homework. “What does half of these letters even mean?” He added, tilting his head as if he hoped that it would make more sense if he did so. 

“It’s constants and stand-ins for numbers I haven’t calculated yet,” Jeongin explained as he punched numbers in on his calculator. His head was already hurting a little. “And sometimes I doubt there is any sense in it at all,” he said with a deep sigh as he got the wrong result for the second time. There had to be something he was missing. 

“Innie is so clever,” Hyunjin said, voice brimming with pride as he looked at Jeongin. Jeongin looked up, raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend. “There is nothing he can’t do,” he added and Jeongin couldn’t help but get a little flustered at the praise. It reminded him a little too much of how Hyunjin would praise him while they were making out. 

“What about the novel analysis you had to do?” Seungmin asked, looking up from his own homework. He looked eager and Jeongin couldn’t hold back a smile as he dug through his bag for a brief moment before pulling out a book and handing it to Seungmin who accepted with both hands. “Finished it yesterday. You can have it.”

“Thank you,” Seungmin sang, already leafing through the pages. “Wait, isn’t it due in like a week?” He asked, sharp eyes settling on Jeongin.

“It is, but it was fun so I finished it early,” Jeongin said, looking at his numbers again. He poked at Changbin’s elbow and realized he had forgotten half a calculation. No wonder it had been wrong before. “Once I started tearing it apart I couldn’t stop. So, I just finished it. Now you get your book faster,” he added, mind currently on his numbers than anything else. 

He just wanted to be done.

“Have you ever considered changing your major to literature?” Seungmin asked, making Jeongin look up from his calculator. “You seem to enjoy it a lot and you’re good at it.”

Jeongin bit his lips returning to his calculations.

“It would be a bit of a waste, wouldn’t it?” He said, wincing as he heard the echo of his father’s in his words. “I mean, I’ve been studying a whole year to become an engineer, and I’ve already selected my subjects for next semester,” Jeongin hurriedly added, never once looking up. 

“You got a scholarship because of your insane grades, Innie.” Jisung said, not taking his eyes away from Jeongin’s Bible he was leafing through for whatever reason. Jeongin assumed it was because of Jisung’s need for knowledge, his desire to fill every possible corner of his brain with information, whether futile or fruitful. 

If Jeongin remembered correctly, Jisung hadn’t grown up in a religious home, so to be able to dip his inexperienced fingers into a pot of unfamiliar insight, to encounter a new perception, and to experience it on his own would definitely be more than enough encouragement for him to get his hands on a religious text. Jeongin’s Bible just so happened to be the one laying the closest to Jisung’s hungry mind. 

“Perhaps you should follow your heart, and put that money to use on something that makes you happy instead of something that is slowly killing you,” Jisung added with a sigh, placing the book carefully and respectfully down on his lap. 

Jeongin didn’t have to look up to know the hands on his shoulder were Hyunjin’s.

“Jisung,” Minho said, a tint of warning to his words. “Not now,” he added, and Jeongin felt like shit. Because they were right. He was doing something wrong by continuing to pursue studies in a field he didn't like.

He was already a sinner in his parents' eyes; He had barely talked to his mom the last three weeks, had barely replied to his brothers' insistent inquiries about his health, and, well, with all the kissing he and Hyunjin had been doing, Jeongin would most likely have to spend a whole year reciting Our Father on repeat if he wanted to get into Father Kim’s good graces again… and yet, Jeongin had never been happier.

He was happy when he got home from school, and could text Hyunjin, and have dinner with Felix. He was happy when he could lock himself into Chan’s apartment to hang out on his bed and do homework while he listened to the other man’s song. He was happy when he and Seungmin spent hours alone on Fridays, just reading books and doing homework while they talked, and he was happy to finally be back at the gym with Changbin. Jeongin was happy he got to hang out with Jisung for hours, shopping for second-hand clothing, and was happy he could eat with Minho two times a week. 

Jeongin was happy.

Except when he got up in the morning, a whole day of lectures looming like a dark cloud in front of him. 

“I already signed up for coursework for next term,” Jeongin said, his voice small as the numbers on the page got a little blurry. He wasn’t sure why it was so hard to admit that his friends were right, but somehow converting had been easier. Perhaps because that was a spiritual matter, and this wasn’t. 

Jeongin could keep his religion hidden, put on his crucifix and rosary ring, and he would be the good Catholic son his parents had raised. He could keep every rebellious and catholically sinful side of himself out of sight, by simply not acknowledging it in the presence of his parents, or by taking on his old mask. However, doing that would make him a liar, and regardless of religion, Jeongin wasn’t sure how comfortable he felt lying about that. He had already spent years tormenting himself in secret over his sexuality, and that had done more harm than good. 

His education was the last piece of Jeongin’s life his parents had still decided. All other bridges had been burned, silently and out of sight, but if Jeongin went against his parents this vocally, there would be no going back. His parents would know of his sins, of his changed mind, and of how much he had strayed from them. 

They would be mad. 

Disappointed. 

Shameful. 

They might punish him for disobeying them, and as much comfort and peace Jeongin had found in his new way of living - no matter how much happiness he found here - Jeongin was scared of how his parents might react if they found out.  

“You can easily change that,” Felix added, his voice kinder than the others. “But only if you want to,” he added when Jeongin just kept staring at his calculator. 

The others didn’t understand. They could do whatever they wanted, they had been allowed to go down their own path, with or without their parent’s blessing because they weren’t afraid. But Jeongin was terrified of the outcome if he broke free from his parents. Even if he didn’t want to, he could play the part of the obedient son to an extent. He wanted to tell them about his newfound self, but he also knew that the outcome would be unexpected. 

Jeongin didn’t know if he was ready for the unexpected. 

“Innie,” Hyunjin said softly, sliding off the couch so he could lean his chest up against Jeongin’s back, draping his long limbs all over him and wrapping him into a tight hug. Jeongin couldn’t hold back a sigh as he melted into his boyfriend. “It’s okay,” he said, chin hooking over Jeongin’s shoulder.

“I’ll think about it.” That was all Jeongin said, blinking heavily to get the blurriness out of his eyes. The others thankfully seemed to get the memo that Jeongin was done talking about his degree and went back to their casual conversations. 

Hyunjin remained around Jeongin, holding him close and petting his stomach over the fabric of his hoodie, and he couldn’t help but smile a little as he continued working. For someone who didn’t want to make their relationship known, Hyunjin was doing a very poor job. Jeongin hadn’t missed how Chan kept looking at them with a smirk, nor had he missed how Changbin snickered at their closeness. 

Jeongin didn’t care, at the moment he was pretty sure the only thing keeping him together was because he could feel Hyunjin plastered to his side. He tuned the others out while he finished the last of his assignment. Exams were a little over a week away, and if he didn't get into the groove of solving these types of equations he would be well and truly fucked. 

“What the hell is this even?!” Jisung suddenly exclaimed, making all of them look up from their respective homework and conversations. “Some kids called a dude baldie and he got God to fucking maul them with two bears? The fuck is this kind of ego that’s being promoted here!?” 

“Seriously?” Changbin asked, looking up from the notebook he had been steadily scribbling in to look at Felix and Jeongin. “Your God promotes child mauling?” 

“Don’t look at me,” Felix said with a shrug. “We do the new testament more in my parents’ church. Unless Jesus said it, we don’t adhere to it, except if my pastor could use it to hit me upside the head with how bad of a person I was. Heard the ‘man must not lie with another man like a woman, that is an abomination’ a lot,” he added with a forced eye roll.

Jeongin didn’t miss the touch of hurt in his voice. 

“Elisha, the bald guy in question, was for some reason on God’s friend list, though it doesn’t make much sense,” Jeongin said with a sigh as he finally finished the last calculation. “And technically, that story doesn’t have too much to do with Christianity as we are in a new pact with Jesus. It’s the old testament and part of the Torah. The rules there shouldn’t apply to Christians. Hence the whole men can’t be together is void from that alone,” Jeongin said with a small smile at Felix. It was perhaps a small comfort, but to Jeongin it had meant a lot when Doyun had mentioned that part to him.

“Besides, there are some doubts about the translation of that bit, Felix, and many actually mean it refers to incest and not to homosexual relationships,” Jeongin added with a shrug. “Meaning that if you really look at it, as long as you’re not related, God doesn't mind men being together enough to make rules about it. Sexual depravity is a no-go, but wholesome loving relationships are not banned anywhere. Even sexual ones,” he added trying not to blush. So what if he had been doing a little more thorough research as of lately? He needed to know how far he could actually allow himself to go without actively sinning now that he had Hyunjin by his side. 

Hyunjin tightened his hold around his waist, sneaking in a hidden kiss on Jeongin’s neck from where he had tucked his head.

“Well, my favorite part,” Jisung said, looking oddly proud of the piece of knowledge he was about to share. “Was the law about women not being able to defend their husbands by grabbing the attacker’s genitals with their hands without having said hand cut off. Seems oddly specific if you ask me,” Jisung said amused, eyes returning to the pages. “What I personally like about this tale, in particular, is how you seemed to have marked this as dumb when you were younger,” Jisung laughed as he narrowed his eyes to read the tiny lines of notes Jeongin had written in the margins when he was a child; “‘I still wonder why vanity is a sin if being called bald makes you this mad, and God still helps you out ’,” he read out loud, in his best rendition of a younger Jeongin’s voice. 

“He really wrote that?” Changbin asked, looking at Jeongin with a smile. “Fuck, that’s funny.” 

“Yeah, look,” Jisung said, sitting up in a rush, hands flying as he reached out to Changbin, the black Bible swinging right past Jeongin’s face. 

He couldn't stop the violent flinch from tearing through him, a weakly whimpered “ don’t ” unwillingly leaving his throat as he threw himself backward, so hard he almost knocked Hyunjin into the couch. His eyes were wide in panic, heart beating hard in his chest as he stared in absolute terror at the black book, still in Jisung’s hand, the echo of pain rushing through him.

The whole room froze, eyes turning to Jeongin’s trembling form. 

“Shit, Innie, are you okay?” Jisung asked, putting the Bible back down and jumping off the couch. “Did I hit you?” He asked with concern dripping from his words. Jeongin didn’t mean to, but he flinched again as the book hit the table. 

“I'm fine,” Jeongin croaked, voice a little off. Hyunjin touched his shoulder and Jeongin shivered, his skin feeling like ants were crawling all over him. He tried very hard not to, but he could feel how he was breathing a little faster. “Sorry,” he muttered, closing his eyes as he focused on just breathing, nails digging into his palms. He tried to reach for his crucifix, but when he found his neck empty a flash of relief went through him. It wasn’t enough to calm him down, just enough to pull him back from the past.

His father wasn’t here. He couldn’t hurt him.

“Innie?” Chan asked, his voice dark with anger and concern. “Why did you think Jisung was going to hit you?”

“I didn’t,” Jeongin quickly said, forcing his lungs to relax. He still felt itchy and wrong, but at least the panic was residing. Nothing hurt, he hadn't been hit. He hadn’t been hit. His father wasn’t even here. Jeongin wasn’t home. He was in Seoul. He wasn’t with his parents. If he just kept repeating it his brain might finally get a hold of his body and make it realize it as well. “Just happens sometimes. My head was a little too fast,” he added with a trembling sigh accompanied by a weak laugh as he tried to ease the tension in the room. When Hyunjin touched him this time he jumped a little before he relaxed into the touch, suddenly feeling tired.

“Jeongin, has someone hit you?” Chan asked carefully, anger still tinting his words. Jeongin couldn’t hold back a shiver when he huddled into Hyunjin’s chest. 

“I... No - It wasn’t really hitting,” he mumbled so quietly, Hyunjin had to repeat it for the others.

“What does that mean, Jeongin?” Seungmin asked, reaching out a hand to pull a shaken Jisung back into his seat. 

“It doesn’t mean anything, it was nothing out of the ordinary that happened,” Jeongin said, curling closer to Hyunjin who in return tightened his hold. He didn’t like the way they were looking at him. Like he had done something wrong.

“The ordinary?” Chan breathed, looking at Jeongin with hurt eyes as if he was the one who had been hit. “What do you mean with that, Innie?”

“It’s nothing,” Jeongin said, gripping Hyunjin’s hands splayed on his stomach as if that would somehow keep him grounded. He didn’t want to be there at the moment, and to be fair he wanted to beat himself up for having reacted in the way he did. He should have known better than to flinch in the presence of his friends. Now they were worried over something they shouldn’t even have been aware of. Jeongin felt guilty.

His father had always said that he was overreacting. That Jeongin was too soft. Too naive. Too emotional. That he made a fuss out of things he shouldn’t. And here he was, worrying all his friends over things they shouldn’t be worrying over. He bit his lip, eyes falling to the floor.

“Innie, please,” Hyunjin whispered in his ear, his breath tickling his cheek. “You don’t need to hide anything. Please tell us. I need to know,” he added, voice tight with something that sounded suspiciously like repressed anger. 

Jeongin wanted to hide.

“I…” Jeongin shivered. Hyunjin held him close, silently urging him to speak. Jeongin knew that if he didn’t want to elaborate, he could just say so. It might make the others uneasy if he didn’t speak, but he knew they wouldn’t hold it against him. But on the same side, if he allowed this to remain unspoken, the others might paint horrifying scenarios in their mind about him, and he didn’t want that. They deserved to get the full picture of him.

“My father used to beat the word of God into me when I was younger,” Jeongin admitted, shuddering slightly as the memories rushed through him, the fear, the pain, the hurt. “Like nothing terrible. He stopped when I was, like, sixteen,” he added, trying to sound nonchalant but failing horribly. 

When he finally forced his eyes open, everyone was staring at him in shock.

“What?” Jeongin quivered, fear trickling into his words as he looked around at his friend. He couldn’t help but worry that he had done something wrong. Not even Hyunjin’s tightening hold was enough to completely calm him. “Did I do something wrong?” He asked fearfully, voice frail in the eerily silent room. 

“No, no,” Minho hurried to say, leaning forward, hand holding on to Chan’s so tight his knuckles turned white. “You didn’t do anything wrong at all,” he hurried to say, breathing in deeply. “How… How often did your father hit you?”

“Erhh… not often,” Jeongin said, a little confused as Hyunjin shakily exhaled deeply into the nape of his neck. “Maybe once a month when I was a kid, less and less as I grew up and understood that I was wrong. He only did it when I was really bad though… like when… When I questioned the Bible, or… Or when I wouldn’t stop crying because I thought Hyunjin was dead.” 

He regretted saying it almost immediately as he felt Hyunjin’s arms tighten around him like a vice.

“It was for my own good,” Jeongin said, looking at his hands in his lap. “The Bible tells us to respect our parents, so when I talked back at them or didn’t obey them, he felt it was the right punishment.”

“Did he hit your brothers as well?” Minho asked, voice shaking slightly.

“Not as often… I was a difficult child. Never listened, cried too much, got upset about everything,” he said, looking up to glance around the room. Changbin looked furious, the same as Seungmin. Felix and Jisung looked a little like they wanted to throw up, and Chan… Chan wouldn’t even look up from where he was staring at his hands. “I wasn’t that disobedient. It wasn’t like he tortured me,” Jeongin said with a small and forced smile. 

“I need some air,” Changbin said, shooting up from the floor and walking out into Minho’s kitchen, the sound of the window bursting open following soon after. 

“I’ll just go,” Felix said, gesturing to where his boyfriend had disappeared, rushing after him. 

“What?” Jeongin asked, eyes flickering back to Minho confused, panic slowly growing inside of him. “What is wrong? You told me I didn’t do anything wrong, so why are they acting like I did?” Jeongin asked, panic clear in his voice.

Minho rushed to his side, stealing his hand out of his lap, and held it close to himself. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Jeongin. Nothing at all,” he said carefully, clearly thinking deeply about his words before he continued. He threaded his fingers with Jeongin’s, and for a brief moment he caught Hyunjin’s eyes, before he returned his focus to Jeongin’s. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Chan and Changbin are just frustrated and angry, not at you, but because you got hurt and they couldn’t help you. They’re frustrated at themselves because someone hurt you, and they couldn’t prevent that.”

“But they didn’t even know me when it last happened,” Jeongin said defensively. “Besides, it's not like my father hurt me. It is normal for parents to discipline their child.”

“Jeongin,” Hyunjin said, voice strangled and wet with the hint of tears. “It’s not normal to hit your kids. It’s actually illegal to hit them in several places in the world. And it’s never okay to do, even if your kids are troublesome.”

“But,” Jeongin said, trembling. “It’s his right. As the man of the house, he gets to set the rules. He gets to decide what is right and wrong,” Jeongin hurried to say, tears stinging in his eyes. “‘He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him ’,” Jeongin quoted, his free hand reaching up to softly pat Hyunjin’s arm. “And I really wasn't a good child when I was younger,” he added, only managing to make Minho look angrier. 

“Look, Jeongin, you should never grow up afraid of your parents,” Minho said, shoulders relaxing slowly, almost like he had to force them down. “Hitting your child can lead to a whole range of issues when they grow up. It’s not right. No one here is mad at you, we’re mad that someone hurt someone we love. That someone hurt you .”

“But…” Jeongin wanted to object, to defend his parents, but the more he searched for arguments the more lost he felt. It wasn't that he didn’t know all of this. He wasn’t blind. But it was only bad parents who abused their kids, and Jeongin didn’t have bad parents. They were wrong and had done wrong things, but he believed they had always done so out of love. Never out of hate. Jeongin truly believed that.

When his father used to hit him with his Bible, he never looked at him afterward. He always blamed Jeongin for making him do it, for not understanding the Lord's word well enough not to misbehave, and had looked mad that Jeongin had left him no other choice. 

Sure, it had heavily escalated briefly after Hyunjin ‘died’ when Jeongin hadn’t been able to handle his grief, but it stopped again the moment Jeongin started to pretend he was fine. The moment Jeongin returned to being normal. 

“No buts, Jeongin,” Chan said, voice simmering with anger as he looked up, eyes almost pitch black with furry. Jeongin couldn't hold back a shiver. “There are no excuses. You never hit a kid. Never. Hitting you was his choice, and don’t you dare put it on yourself. You were a kid, he was an adult. Hitting you was his choice. He is to blame. Fully and wholly.”

“You are never ever fucking going back there again,” Changbin sneered, stomping back into the room, fists clenched like he was ready for a fight. “I am not letting them have you. They can fucking fight me. Assholes.”

“Binne,” Felix said with a soft sigh, wrapping his arms around him. “Easy, I don’t think getting angry will help.”

“This makes too much sense,” Seungmin finally said, face pale as he reached out to softly touch Jeongin’s hair. “It’s okay. We won’t let him hurt you again,” Seungmin said, sliding to the floor so he could embrace Hyunjin and Jeongin. 

“He hasn’t hit me in years,” Jeongin said, looking up at Minho with wide eyes. 

“But they hurt you in other ways, don't they?” Minho said with a soft, knowing smile. “No one is telling you to hate your parents. We’re just telling you they were wrong. You say they misunderstand the word of God when they talk about homosexuality. Maybe they’ve misinterpreted it when the Bible talks about hitting your kids and controlling them,” he said, words sounding so damn logical Jeongin was a little upset he hadn’t thought it himself.

“Oh,” was all Jeongin could reply, Jisung smiling weakly.

“Exactly,” Jisung said, though he still looked a little like he wanted to either hit something or throw up. “And I won’t swing Bibles near your head anymore,” he said, clearly attempting to sound funny and aloof as always but falling terribly flat.

“You couldn’t know,” Jeongin said, sighing as Seungmin kept stroking his hair. 

“Hmm, well if you ever need it, Seungmin and I know how to hide a body,” Jisung said, his smile a little less brittle this time.

“Do I want to know?” Jeongin asked, exasperated as he looked at his friends, his heart feeling a little too soft and overfilled with love. 

“Devious mastermind,” Jisung said as he pointed to Seungmin.

“Nerd and strange youtube addict,” Seungmin said, finger turning in Jisung’s direction. 

“Comforting,” Jeongin smiled, leaning back into Hyunjin’s arms, worry beginning to build when Hyunjin remained silent, head buried in Jeongin’s shoulder. 

“Get a little further in your newfound authorhood and you’ll realize how sus your browsing history will become,” Jisund said as he lifted his head in challenge. “Besides, you should never knock on an unsolved murder case. Some of those are freaky as hell,” he added.

“So are you, dear,” Minho quipped with a small smile. “Now, I call an end to all homework,” Minho said, his free hand going through his hair. “Chan, go put some cold water on your face,” he added a little softer when Chan just stared at Jeongin with dark eyes. 

“Felix, I think you need to fix your men in the kitchen,” Minho sighed when Chan didn’t say anything, just got up and marched to the kitchen, a loud crash following. “And please make sure I don’t have a hole in my wall,” he added with a wince.

“I’ll do my best,” Felix said, dragging Changbin after him into the kitchen again. Jeongin winched when a few cupboards slammed open and shut but one hard reprimand in English from Felix seemed to settle the noise. 

“I didn’t mean to ruin the night,” Jeongin said with a sigh. 

“You didn’t,” Minho said with a reassuring smile, getting up from the floor. “But we’re having fried chicken, fries, and all the junk food I can order,” he added with a sigh, tilting his head and smiling at Jeongin. “You just have to accept getting petted for the rest of eternity, I'm afraid.”

“I can live with that,” Jeongin said as he leaned back into Hyunjin’s embrace. “You okay, Hyun?” He asked, cheek against the top of Hyunjin’s head. 

“I'm sorry,” Hyunjin said, voice broken and wet. “I made you get hurt,” he said, shaking slightly as he held on to Jeongin. Jeongin’s heart broke when he felt a tear run down his neck, a sad sniffle following shortly after.

“Hyun,” Jeongin sighed, heart heavy as he broke free of the back hug, turning so he could embrace Hyunjin fully - if perhaps a bit awkwardly. “You didn’t hurt me. You were here, alone and kicked out by your parents. How were you even supposed to know I was sad?” He said exasperated as he sneaked a kiss onto Hyunjin’s temple. 

“He hit you,” Hyunjin said, hand clawing at Jeongin’s back. “How can you just be okay with that?” He asked, a hint of anger sneaking into his voice.

“I don’t know,” Jeongin said, lifting his hand to stroke through Hyunjin’s hair. His roots were really standing out now, a shiny glossy black to offset the unnaturally pale blond. “I… That’s just how I was raised. I’d never hit anyone myself, but it’s just normal for my father to discipline,” he said with an awkward shrug. 

“I don’t want you back there,” Hyunjin mumbled, pulling away. Even with red eyes and hatred in his eyes, he was beautiful. “They can’t have you,” he said and Jeongin’s heart jumped. 

“They won't,” Jeongin said as he reached up to push some of his lover’s hair behind his ears. “I'm all yours now. None of you can get rid of me. There is not an ounce of my parents' son left in me,” he said, knowing it wasn't even a baseless truth. Sometimes he didn’t even recognize who he used to be.

“And thank God for that,” Seungmin said with a wink at Jeongin. “We like this Innie much better.”

“Yeah, and we won't share,” Jisung said, draping himself over Jeongin. “Don’t cry for the past, Hyunie, cheer for the future,” he added with a soft smile.

“Words to live by,” Seungmin said, giving Jisung one of those oddly soft smiles that always made Jeongin curious about them. “Now, let’s go see if there is any kitchen left and what the others want to eat.”

“Order twice as much chicken as Chan says he can eat,” Jeongin called after them when the three of them left the room leaving him alone with Hyunjin. Jeongin didn’t miss how they all smiled knowingly at each other, and Jeongin wondered if he should tell Hyunjin everyone already knew they were a couple. 

“Yes, boss,” Minho called over his shoulder, leaving them alone and surrounded by papers and abandoned homework. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin said softly, knowing the words weren’t lost between the thin walls of the apartment. “Please,” Jeongin said, not completely sure what he was asking for. His reply came in the form of a hard bruising kiss, Hyunjin’s lips burning as he pulled Jeongin close, biting his lower lip as he deepened it. Hyunjin claimed Jeongin, bared his soul, and stole a piece of it for himself. 

Jeongin could only hold on, heart beating wildly.

“I'm never letting anyone touch you again,” Hyunjin whispered, creating an unbreakable vow. “You’re never fucking letting them fuck with your head again. I'm not having it. They don’t deserve you, and you’re not going back there ever again,” he said, words hard. Jeongin could only smile, cupping his face gently. 

“I'm here now, aren’t I?” Jeongin said with a smile. He knew he could promise Hyunjin to never see his family, could vow to stay in Seoul till the day he died, and give him a thousand empty promises, but that wasn't Jeongin. He knew who he was, and he knew he had to confront his parents if he wanted a chance to keep them in his life. And he wanted them to be a part of his future. “At the end of the day, I’ll always be here. I’ll always pick you. I’ll always pick this family,” he said hoping that at least was enough.

Because Jeongin knew he had to go back. When he would find the courage he wasn’t sure, but he knew he had no choice but to face his family. He wanted to tell them of his conversion of faith, of his growth… of Hyunjin. Jeongin didn’t want to live a life in hiding, didn’t want to have two lives, one in Busan and another in Seoul. He deserved better, he knew that now. 

And he deserved a goodbye, to see his home one last time. To live the sweet lie of his previous life one last time if his parents couldn’t accept him.

“Only carry your own cross,” Jeongin said, leaning in to softly kiss Hyunjin’s lips. “Don’t carry the guilt that isn’t yours.”

“I really don’t deserve you,” Hyunjin sighed, though his eyes were getting lighter as the anger evaporated slowly. 

“Stop it,” Jeongin said, untangling himself so he could pull both of them to the couch instead. Hyunjin didn’t even hesitate as he laid down, covering Jeongin like a blanket and pressing him into the couch, his heart against Jeongin’s. “We deserve each other,” he said, entwining their fingers together tightly. 

One thing Jeongin knew for sure was that he wasn’t ever letting go of Hyunjin’s hands. Not when he had finally gotten the piece of himself he had lost back.

Chapter Text

Jeongin stuffed the last bit of his ridiculous-looking ice cream sundae into his mouth, humming happily. It might have looked like something ready to kill him from its high sugar content when it was served, but he had to admit, it really was delicious. 

In front of him, Seojin was watching him with an amused expression, carefully spooning the last bits of ice cream. Jeongin smiled to himself as he looked down at his empty glass. His friendship with Seojin had been a bit funny. At first, their texts had been cautious and halting, more awkward than anything else, but soon their odd compatibility struck through and they settled into a new friendship. 

Sure, Seojin still looked at Jeongin with a bit of sadness of an unrequited crush and Jeongin still caught himself falling into bad habits when he had talked with her a little too long, but they were both growing and getting better.  

In the end, he was happy to be her friend. 

“So, is it as good as you were led to believe?” He asked with a smile. The café they were at was a place Seojin had really wanted to visit, but she didn’t want to go alone, and none of her friends wanted to go there. So, Jeongin did what any other newly appointed friend would do and told her he would go with her. 

“It’s amazing,” she said with a bright smile. “Look, I already got several likes on Instagram,” she said, turning her phone to showcase a photo of her ice cream from before she had dug into it. Jeongin looked at it curiously. 

“Is it difficult getting an account?” Jeongin asked, feeling a little shy. He had never really had any kind of social media - hadn’t been allowed to by his parents - but the idea of sharing his plants and food seemed kind of nice. He knew Felix and Hyunjin both had accounts to post their dancing and art respectively, so perhaps he could follow them.

“No, it’s super easy,” Seojin said, lighting up with the idea of her being able to repay Jeongin’s kindness. It didn’t take long before she had helped Jeongin set up an account, both of them cooing over cat reels. 

“I really want a cat,” Seojin sighed with a pout. “But my mom won’t let me.”

“My friend has three cats that live with his parents. He goes to visit them every weekend,” Jeongin smiled, finding the picture of Minho’s cats he had saved on his phone to show Seojin. “Hyun… My boyfriend really wants a dog,” he said, the fact that he got to call Hyunjin his boyfriend still sending a thrill through him.

“He really must be something,” Seojin said with a small smile as she looked at Jeongin. “You seem really happy lately.”

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, eyes returning to his phone. “I like him a lot,” he admitted, looking up at Seojin. “But if you ever need it, I’ll come to pick you up every Friday so Hangyeol doesn't get ideas,” he added with a grin.

“He was so happy you left,” Seojin confessed with a huff. “Thankfully, Jiwon has started walking with me to the bus, so Hangyeol doesn’t have an excuse to invite me out. She’s actually really sweet.”

“You can always take her out with us if you want,” Jeongin said, looking up from his phone. “If she doesn't have an issue with me, of course.”

“Jiwon would never judge people,” Seojin said, voice firm, as she met Jeongin’s eyes. “And neither do I. God wouldn't make a nice person like you a sinner just for loving a man. It doesn't make sense. I'm just glad you found Him in other ways and didn’t abandon your faith.” 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said with a smile, shyly looking away again. He didn’t miss how a few people gave them looks, cooed at them for being cute and presumed they were a couple. It didn’t annoy him too much, but it was still weird to be so easily accepted for being with one person, but not with another. Most people would never look at Jeongin and Hyunjin as a couple, but it was so easy for them to see it when he was with Seojin. 

Jeongin glanced down at his phone, frowning a little as he saw the time. 

“If you have to catch your bus I think we have to leave,” Jeongin said, getting up and helping Seojin up as well. “If you miss it, you won’t be home in time for dinner.”

“Shoot, thanks, Jeongin,” she said with a smile, almost beaming when he helped her get her jacket on. “You’re such a gentleman, Jeongin, I wish more men were like you,” she sighed, but her smile was no longer sad as she turned to look at him.

“Hmm, I’m sure there are more men out there with good manners,” Jeongin smiled, offering Seojin his arm as they left the cafe, talking about the weather and Bible study. They were waiting for her bus when she suddenly looked up, eyes curious.

“Your boyfriend,” she said, eyes on the ground as he tugged at her bag nervously. “He’s the guy with the piercings and blond hair, right?” She asked, her huge eyes flickering up to meet Jeongin’s. “The one who kept looking at you,” she added when Jeongin just stared at her.

He blinked a few times, before he breathed out allowing a smile to bloom on his face. 

“Yeah,” he said with a nod. “That was him… we had a hard time when we first got to know each other,” he explained. One day perhaps he would tell her the whole story. For now, Jeongin wasn’t really ready. 

“I'm glad,” Seojin said, surprising Jeongin. “He looked at you like he loved you. He’ll take care of you. I hope he’ll have happier eyes now that he doesn’t have to stare at you from so far away,” she added kindly, taking a step forward as her bus rolled up to the curb.

“You should post a picture of you two on Instagram,” she called over her shoulder. “I think you’d look good next to each other,” she grinned, disappearing onto the bus before Jeongin could say anything. 

He looked after her, smiling to himself.

oOo

“I can’t believe I didn’t know about any of these photos,” Jeongin muttered as he flickered through his phone lazily. He was draped over Hyunjin’s bed - which was only a mattress on the floor - just scrolling through Hyunjin’s profile while the other man worked on one of his many paintings. While Jeongin had exams the following week, Hyunjin had a whole line of projects he had to hand in. 

“I still can’t believe it took you this long just to get Instagram,” Hyunjin muttered as he used a pen to correct something on the canvas. “Wait until you discover Twitter.”

“Twitter scares me,” Jeongin admitted, rolling onto his stomach as he looked over at his boyfriend. There was something oddly enthralling about Hyunjin when he was painting. He was so focused, eyes and mind somewhere else yet he always had time for Jeongin. 

Jeongin looked around the tiny room. It had taken some persuasion, but Jeongin was glad he had finally been allowed to see Hyunjin’s apartment. It was tiny, just one room, and was more a studio than anything else. There was a tiny kitchenette in the corner and a bathroom that looked more like a closet with a toilet and shower in it. Other than that, there was just art. Hyunjin kept most of his clothing in the corner by the bed and with the little fold-up table next to the bed, it was the only place that wasn't covered in paint. 

The smell of the oil paint was heavy, yet oddly familiar as Jeongin just rolled around on Hyunjin’s bed. Jeongin was beginning to understand that this wasn’t a home for Hyunjin, but a place he crashed. He made a silent vow to have Hyunjin over a little more often. Maybe he could even spend the night…

“What do you even say to all these people asking if you’re single?” Jeongin muttered as he flickered through one picture more artistic than the next of his boyfriend - of which Seungmin was to blame since he was apparently Hyunjin’s personal photographer. “There are like five every time you post,” he added with a frown. Some of them were… very flirty.

“Jealous?” Hyunjin asked with a wriggle of his eyebrows as he looked over the top of his canvas.

“No, just confused,” he replied honestly, meeting Hyunjin’s eyes straight on. 

“Wouldn’t hurt if you were a little possessive,” Hyunjin said, faux hurt in his voice. “But I usually just ignore them. I'm not really looking for strangers to date. Besides, using Instagram for hookups never turns out well,” he added with a wrinkle of his nose that told Jeongin he had definitely tried that more than once.

“Well, I don’t disagree with them,” Jeongin said, deciding to ask more about that another day. “They all say you’re beautiful,” Jeongin said with a smile, liking a few of the nicer comments before he clicked back to the overview. 

“Hmm, because they haven’t seen you yet,” Heyunjin threw back with a wink. Jeongin rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah, right,” Jeongin muttered, though it did tug at the idea Seojin had planted in his head yesterday. “Would you ever put me on here?” Jeongin asked, flickering back to his own profile that now had nine followers - Yedam and Seojin included - and about five pictures of his plants. 

Perhaps not the most enthralling profile, he had to admit. 

“If you scroll down you’ll see a few drawings of you… from the back,” Hyunjin added, cheeks getting a little pink. Jeongin grinned, liking pictures left and right as he descended into Hyunjin’s past pictures.

He frowned when he came past a picture of the blue-haired guy. Jeongin didn’t like that one. 

“I was actually thinking a bit more like a photo… of me… and you,” Jeongin said, staring at how the blue-haired man looked at Hyunjin while Hyunjin just looked a little bored. Poor guy, Jeongin could kinda see why it hadn’t worked out when Hyunjin looked like that. “Like, ehh, together,” he added looking up and catching Hyunjin looking at him surprised.

“If you’d want, yes,” Hyunjin said, putting down his brush. “I’ve never really had a boyfriend serious enough to like, openly talk about,” he said, hands folding in his lap. 

“You have now though,” Jeongin said, biting his lip as he looked at Hyunjin.

“I do,” Hyunjin agreed with a big happy smile. “And one day, definitely,” he added, eyes falling to his lap again. “I would love to show you off at one point. After all, I do have Seoul’s most beautiful man in my life.”

“Sap,” Jeongin huffed, though it was hard to hold his smile back. “And you know… You have my permission to post pictures of me,” Jeongin said, carefully weighing his words. “You can see the others post pictures with me in them all the time,” he added. It was true. Half of Felix’s profile was pictures where Jeongin was kind of scattered about the place in the background, and Changbin had several workout pictures of the two of them making silly faces while they showed off their muscles. Even Jisung had the rare picture of Jeongin dressed in odd second-hand clothing, or posing behind the seemingly endless stream of coffee pictures that made up most of his profile.

“I know,” Hyunjin said, voice guarded like he always was when they talked about making their relationship more public. “I'm just not ready yet,” he added, eyes sad as he looked up. Jeongin rolled onto his back, arms opening up and welcoming Hyunjin when he got up and staggered the few steps over to the bed from his easel. 

“It’s okay,” Jeongin said, kissing Hyunjin’s temple. “I'm not going anywhere. I fought God and the Catholic Church to be ready to accept myself and what we have. I'm not about to give it all up again,” he breathed, wishing he could imprint his words on Hyunjin’s doubting heart.

“I know,” Hyunjin said, voice still tinged with fear. “And it’s not that I doubt you, it's just… I'm not used to having nice things. And I'm not used to getting to keep them,” he added, sighing and relaxing when Jeongin held him closer. 

“I’ll fight God again if I have to,” Jeongin vowed, heart feeling too small for the emotions he got when he held onto Hyunjin like this. “I will be the best thing you ever get to keep,” Jeongin said, fumbling till he found Hyunjin’s hand, placing it over his own beating heart.

“Just feel how hard you still make my heart beat,” Jeongin said, words a caress against Hyunjin’s sweet-smelling hair. “No one has ever made it beat like this, so hard and painful. Only you.”

“Fuck, Innie, you can’t say that to me when you have a final tomorrow,” Hyunjin whined, burying his head in the crook of Jeongin’s neck. “It’s not fair. Not when I… Not when I want you,” he muttered, pulling away so he could look into Jeongin’s eyes, a silent question hiding in their debts. 

“I want you, too,” Jeongin said, cheeks getting pink. They had kissed so much now, but Jeongin was never getting tired of it. But he was craving more. Needed more. Sure their hands had strayed a few times, but so far they had just kissed, groped, and touched, filling Jeongin’s head with ideas and fantasies he had to live on his own in the dark of night. 

Hyunjin looked at him, eyes darkening. 

“And I will,” Hyunjin said, leaning in and kissing Jeongin. This kiss was filled with passion, but also care and tenderness. Hyunjin moved them so he was hovering over Jeongin, cradling his face as he slotted his thigh between Jeongin’s legs, pressing down right where Jeongin longed for his touch the most. Hyunjin deepened the kiss, pulling an indecent moan out of Jeongin. 

“But not before finals are over,” Hyunjin said as he pulled away, lips shiny and pink. 

Jeongin groaned, pulling his boyfriend back to kiss him some more. 

“Unfair,” he muttered with a pout when Hyunjin pulled away again.

“Well, I know you have a book to re-read and while I would much rather be with you, I kind of need to finish this,” he said pointing to the picture he was painting. “Now get to it and I might reward us both later when we’re done,” he added with a smirk. Jeongin’s heart jumped and he felt his cheeks heat up. 

“Tease,” Jeongin muttered, reaching over to his bag to take the apple Lia had kindly given him when he stopped by the cafe earlier to pick up coffee. He glared at his boyfriend and took a big bite of the apple demonstratively before picking up his book to begin studying with a pout. He took another, smaller, bite and got lost in his reading, the apple quickly forgotten in his hand. 

It was a few minutes later when his phone buzzed with a notification. He frowned, eyes turning to his boyfriend who put his phone away as he wordlessly returned to the painting. 

Jeongin pressed the notification, jumping to the picture Hyunjin had just posted. It was a picture of Jeongin’s wrist and hand holding his apple. His long fingers were wrapped elegantly around the deep red fruit, a bite missing and showing off the pale inner flesh. The light from the window gave his skin an almost otherworldly look and was a stark contrast to the deep red apple. The silver bracelet on his other hand caught the light and accentuated his slim wrist and long bony fingers splayed out on the page of his physics book in front of him.

The post was simply captioned with the words: My Muse .

“Felix gave me this bracelet as a birthday present,” Jeongin said with a smile as he noticed most of his friends liked the post instantly. “I don't think you’re as secret as you hope to be,” he added, shaking his head fondly when Hyunjin just hummed, fully focused on his painting. 

Jeongin tried not to smile too brightly as he returned to the post, double-tapping it. When the little heart appeared his stomach made an odd swoop but he ignored it, trying to focus on his studying. After all, he needed to earn his reward.

oOo

Jeongin sighed, relaxing into his bed with a book in his hand that was barely holding onto his attention. He had just had his last exam and his brain felt a little like jelly. He didn’t have classes until after January and the Lunar New Year, and a couple of days until he had to decide if he was going home for Christmas - so for now at least, he could relax his mind and spend time doing what he wanted. 

Though the novel in his hands was lackluster, at least he had scored himself some S tier company; A boyfriend of three weeks at his side. It had also been almost two months since the two of them began hanging out frequently and became attached by the hip.

Somehow they had slipped into the rhythm of being partners really easily, the two of them fit so well together that it felt like they had been together for years. Jeongin had been a bit frightened in the beginning, and for a brief moment, he feared that they had been moving too fast, but whenever Hyunjin was near, Jeongin felt at ease. He knew Hyunjin would stop him if he crossed his lines, and in the same way, Hyunjin knew Jeongin would tell him if it got too much for him.

As Changbin put it, it was fate. 

Jeongin looked over the edge of his book, letting his eyes rest on Hyunjin’s form. His boyfriend was busy sketching Jeongin in bold, long strokes, his nose scrunched in concentration. The pile of drawings Jeongin had of himself was growing steadily bigger and Jeongin still felt an odd thrill to be able to watch himself through the eyes of his boyfriend. Somehow, Hyunjin managed to make him look alluring and fascinating, so different from how Jeongin was used to viewing himself. 

As their relationship progressed, Jeongin got to learn more about Hyunjin and how his drawings were how he expressed himself in his most honest way. Just a week before, Hyunjin had left a drawing of a younger Jeongin sitting in church, with the light from the stained glass window above painting him in celestial light, his hands held together in silent prayer. When Jeongin asked why Hyunjin had drawn him like that, the other had looked at him for a moment before admitting that he admired Jeongin’s faith, and how he perhaps felt a bit sad that his own faith had wavered and toppled over so quickly. In all honesty, Jeongin hadn’t really known how to respond to that, because he highly doubted that that was the full reason.

Yesterday, Jeongin had been gifted a picture of himself slurping noodles with an extremely concentrated expression, and he had no idea when Hyunjin had ever had time to draw that.

In return, Jeongin had made a little messy drawing of Hyunjin on the margins of his notebook, with his little ponytail high on his head and a wide smile plastered on his face. Hyunjin had carefully ripped the drawing out of the notebook and had put it under the clear cover of his phone. Then he had spent the rest of the day, running around and proudly showing it off to anyone willing to spare the drawing a glance. Jeongin’s cheeks had been burning for hours afterward.

He closed his eyes, resting on his elbow as he just enjoyed how nice his life was right now. 

He sighed happily, before he allowed his eyes to refocus on Hyunjin and found the other scowling at something above Jeongin.

“How do you even sleep with that over your head?” Hyunjin asked, a note of disgust in his voice. Jeongin blinked his eyes open, confusedly looking up at the poor orchids that were looking down at him, long roots hanging over his head.

“What? My orchids?” He asked with a frown, looking about his room that did look a little like a greenhouse - or like one of those rooms in those videos he kept being recommended on Instagram. “You want me to move them?” He added questioning as his eyes returned to his boyfriend. 

“No, that ,” Hyunjin spat, eyes narrowing further. Jeongin followed his eyes to the spot over his head where a crucifix hung, Jesus looking pained down at both of them. “He’s staring,” Hyunjin continued, eyes coming down to meet Jeongin’s.

“He’s not that bad,” Jeongin defended his poor crucifix. His mom had packed it first when he was getting ready to move to Seoul, and had made him take a picture to prove he had put it up. “You should see my childhood home. He’s everywhere. I'm just kind of used to it,” Jeongin said with a little shrug, head rolling a little to the side on his pillow. 

“It was the same in my house,” Hyunjin said, voice dark as he looked up at it again. “All over. He was just always watching. He was of much help when he watched my parents drag me out of my own home,” he added sarcastically, though he was breathing a little hard, the memory awakening his anger. 

Jeongin’s heart hurt.

“I can take it down,” Jeongin offered as he reached out to touch Hyunjin’s thigh gently with his fingertips. “I had really just forgotten he was up there.”

Hyunjin seemed to think about it for a moment before his eyes darkened and focused on Jeongin. Jeongin swallowed, not really sure what to make of Hyunjin’s expression. For some reason it made him feel a prickling sensation all over, anticipation brewing in his stomach.

“No,” Hyunjin said, the dark glint in his eyes darkening further as he put his sketchbook away. Jeongin looked at him confused as Hyunjin untangled their legs and got up on his knees. He hovered at the side of Jeongin’s bed, taking in the sight of the younger man lying on the covers. “Leave him be for a little bit,” Hyunjin said with a dangerous tone, the corner of his lips curling up. He wiped his coal-stained hands on his gray sweats leaving smoky trails traveling up his thighs. 

Jeongin swallowed as the room suddenly felt hot, his throat feeling dry. There was something in the way Hyunjin was staring at him that made his blood simmer, the tension in the room suddenly growing unbearable. Jeongin felt his skin tingle, expectancy dancing under it while his heart beat faster in his chest.

Hyunjin’s eyes captured Jeongin’s careful ones, a conflicting sensation of hesitant eagerness filling Jeongin, making him shudder. Hyunjin clearly knew the effect he had on Jeongin, the alluring smirk growing as he gently stepped away from the bed, his eyes never once looking away from Jeongin’s. 

Jeongin followed Hyunjin with wide eyes as he made his way over to the open door, only breaking eye contact when Hyunjin turned to face the door. He closed it and the sound of the lock clicking soon filled the room.

“I'm not having anyone walk in on us this time,” Hyunjin said with a mischievous voice, turning away from the door, to catch Jeongin’s eyes again. He leaned up against the door with an impish smile. Jeongin blinked, heart beating hard in his chest with anticipation. “You’ll stop me if it gets too much?” Hyunjin asked, head tilted to the side, eyes burning into Jeongin’s skin.

“Y-yeah,” Jeongin managed, letting his book fall closed, and threw it to the side. It hit the ground with a ‘thump’ but neither Jeongin nor Hyunjin paid it any attention. Jeongin wasn’t sure what had suddenly brought this on - however, he did have an inkling this had something to do with his reward for being done with finals, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to complain. “Come here,” Jeongin begged when Hyunjin just kept looking at him, a playful demeanor slowly taking over his face. 

Jeongin’s heart fluttered in his chest, making his toes curl. Hyunjin hadn’t even touched him, but Jeongin already felt like he was gonna fly away. He curled his fists into the coves of his bed, trying to keep himself composed, eyes pleadingly focused on Hyunjin.

“Please,” he borderline whimpered when Hyunjin kept his distance, admiring Jeongin with hungry eyes from the door.

Hyunjin’s smile widened as if he got genuine pleasure out of seeing Jeongin beg for his attention.

“As you command,” Hyunjin finally said, the dangerous glint back in his eyes. He sauntered over to the bed like a tiger stalking its prey and crawled onto the bed, swinging a leg over Jeongin’s hips and settling on his lap, Hyunjin’s thighs bracketing Jeongin’s. He reached up and swiftly pulled off his shirt, baring himself to Jeongin, making Jeongin’s hands pause midair from where he had been reaching for him.

He blinked, staring at Hyunjin’s bare chest in shock. They had never really moved past making out on the couch, and the fleeting touches under one of their shirts before, but they had never moved as far as to show themselves to each other completely. Why, he wasn’t really sure of, because he was kind of cursing himself now for not getting to see his boyfriend shirtless before. 

Hyunjin’s chest was perfectly sculpted; subtle muscle, graceful lines, and soft inviting skin. His stomach was firm and his piercing gleamed softly in the light. 

But that wasn’t what drew Jeongin’s attention the most. 

Since the first time Jeongin had laid eyes on Hyunjin, he had been fascinated by the dark lines stretching across his skin and disappearing underneath the hem of his shirt. He had spent hours thinking and imagining what the tattoo on his skin was depicting and what the meaning was behind it.

Now Jeongin finally knew.

On Hyunjin’s shoulder was a serpent, long fangs bared as it hissed in warming over his heart, twisting and turning protectively over his shoulder and onto his back. Flowers bloomed around it, so life-like Jeongin wanted to reach out and touch the petals to see if they were real, if they would be soft under his touch. 

The serpent's pitch-black eyes glared at Jeongin, daring him to test if he was worthy enough for Hyunjin. 

Jeongin so desperately wanted to be found worthy.

“Like what you see?” Hyunjin asked with a knowing smirk, leaning forward and placing his arms on each side of Jeongin’s face, staring directly through Jeongin’s eyes and into his soul. 

Jeongin could only nod, his mouth opening and closing uselessly, head devoid of any comprehensive thoughts. Desire filled his veins, and his fingers twitching with the need to touch… and yet he was powerless in front of Hyunjin. “Good,” Hyunjin said, words dripping honey, sweet and addictive as they fell from his lips. “Because this is just for you now.” 

Jeongin shakily exhaled, hands finally reaching out to touch Hyunjin, his skin soft and warm under his palms. The feeling of his warmth was just as addictive as always and Jeongin felt blessed that he was allowed to experience this side of Hyunjin.

Jeongin’s hands traveled up around Hyunjin’s neck and softly caressed his throat before he pulled him down, quickly sealing their lips in a heated and messy kiss.

Jeongin felt lightheaded and allowed Hyunjin to take control of the kiss he had initiated. He felt Hyunjin move against his lips in an all too familiar way, his toes curling in his socks, and his hands finding their way to Hyunjin’s hair, tugging and pulling like he always did. He squirmed underneath Hyunjin, unaware of what to do with the overwhelming lust that flowed through him, making him dizzy and dazed.

Hyunjin pulled away breathlessly, his lips lingering over Jeongin’s for a moment as he basked in their closeness. He lifted his hand and softly caressed Jeongin’s cheek, his eyes once again locked only on Jeongin. 

“Beautiful,” Hyunjin sighed with the most heartbreaking smile.

If this kiss hadn’t taken Jeongin’s breath away then the look in Hyunjin’s eyes would have. No one had ever looked at Jeongin with such delicate affection, such tenderness, and warmth that Jeongin didn’t really know what to do with himself. 

Thankfully, he didn’t have to think too much about it, before Hyunjin pulled away slightly, and sent the crucifix above them a pointed look. 

“In my religion, we don’t go to church,” Hyunjin said, leaning in close again, his lips hovering just above Jeongin’s. Jeongin stared wide-eyed at him from below, his hands still buried in Hyunjin’s blond locks, breathing labored. “I’ll show him how I worship,” Hyunjin added, before surging down, connecting their lips bruisingly and hard.

Jeongin felt like his whole body came alive. He opened his mouth, allowing Hyunjin to deepen the kiss and consume him. Fire rushed through Jeongin’s veins as he moaned, grasping at Hyunjin’s sides, desperately trying to find something to ground him. 

They fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, their worn-off edges fitting together with a familiarity that didn’t seem real with how short a time they had been together, but Jeongin didn’t care. He didn’t care that his heart felt like it was overflowing when he was close to Hyunjin, didn’t care that he loved him in a way that would have scared most people.

Jeongin had been terrified most of his life, it was time he finally lived.

“So fucking beautiful,” Hyunjin muttered as he pulled away from Jeongin, sealing his word with a scatter of smaller kisses all over Jeongin’s face. “My gorgeous boyfriend,” he praised, knowing exactly what his words did to Jeongin. They were both breathless, but Jeongin didn’t care. He didn’t need air when he had Hyunjin this close to him. 

He pulled Hyunjin near again, their lips crashing almost painfully again as Jeongin took his time pulling Hyunjin apart. His hands wandered anywhere they could reach, the feeling of Hyunjin’s soft skin under him addictive and sinful. 

Hyunjin’s hands were like fire where they played just at the hem of Jeongin’s shirt, fingers teasingly moving higher and higher without really doing anything. It was driving Jeongin crazy. He wanted more. Needed more, needed Hyunjin closer than ever. 

“Hyun,” he whined as his lover broke free from the kiss, trailing kisses up and down Jeongin’s neck, each and every one only fueling the fire of desire in his lower abdomen, drawing lewd sounds out of him. He knew Hyunjin could feel him, pressing and hard against him. “More,” Jeongin whispered as Hyunjin bit his earlobe, his breath tickling his hair. 

“Can I take off your shirt?” Hyunjin asked, tugging at the soft material hiding Jeongin from the world. “I want to see you,” he said, shifting his weight as he leaned back, grazing Jeongin’s straining desire, drawing another breathy moan from him. Hyunjin settled heavily on Jeongin’s thighs and pinned him to the bed pressing down further and making Jeongin hiss with need, his eyes dark as he stared down at Jeongin. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin breathed heavily, awkwardly pulling himself up so Hyunjin could pull his shirt off. He couldn’t stop a blush from attacking his cheeks, coloring his neck and chest pink as Hyunjin stared hungrily at him. Jeongin got so flustered he almost got trapped in the shirt, Hyunjin having to guide him out of it properly. 

Jeongin breathed deeply, only realizing how close they were when Hyunjin threw the shirt on the floor, hands settling back on Jeongin’s shoulder, fingertips trailing curiously over his collar bones. Jeongin couldn’t help but look away. Hyunjin was so beautiful, but how could Jeongin compare to that? He knew Hyunjin had had other partners, some of them had to have been as pretty as Hyunjin himself. 

Jeongin knew he wasn’t bad to look at. He worked out with Changbin once a week and he was strong and had a decent amount of muscle, but there wasn't anything interesting about him. He didn’t have tattoos, or piercings, or anything. 

His body was an untouched canvas, plain and boring. 

“Gorgeous,” Hyunjin breathed, contradictory to Jeongin’s thoughts, his hand sliding down Jeongin’s chest, pulling a gasp from Jeongin when he drifted over his chest. “Fuck, you look amazing,” Hyunjin said, hands touching Jeongin softly, almost like he was a frail piece of glass. 

Jeongin could see his lover’s fingers slide over his stomach, touch lingering for a second before he drifted back up, drawing invisible lines on his bare skin. 

“Look at me,” Hyunjin said, voice hard but kind, and like he was spellbound Jeongin lifted his head, taking in Hyunjin’s form. He was beautiful. Jeongin felt like a record on repeat, but Hyunjin really was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He met the eyes of the serpent, swallowing as he looked at its pitch-black eyes. “Touch me.” 

Jeongin lifted his hand, hesitantly letting his fingers drift along the line of the tattoo, finally feeling the flower petals under his fingers. The serpent still had its teeth bared, but the more Jeongin looked at it the less angry it looked. He reached out, hand covering it, feeling Hyunjin’s heart beating thunderously under his palm. 

“I got it when I started college last year. Used all my birthday money from my aunt and a good chunk of my savings,” Hyunjin explained, voice breathless as Jeongin followed the lines with a feathery touch, from his collarbone to his chest. “I drew it myself,” he added with a hiss when Jeongin dragged his nails over Hyunjin’s chest.

“It’s gorgeous,” Jeongin said as he leaned over, drawing a breathy moan from his lover as he kissed the snake. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” he muttered in between kisses, breathing deeply as his lungs filled with the scent of Hyunjin. He felt almost drunk.

“If you want, I’ll draw you a tattoo one day,” Hyunjin said, voice quivering when Jeongin dragged his tongue over his nipple, tasting his skin. “Fuck, Innie,” Hyunjin breathed, grinding down, both of them moaning when their lower bodies pressed closer. 

“Hmm, perhaps a little too soon for that,” Jeongin said, voice shaking, yet he couldn’t stop himself from reaching down and grabbing Hyunjin, pressing them closer again. “But later… definitely,” he vowed with a hard bite to Hyunjin’s neck. 

“Innie,” Hyunjin exhaled, his head falling back as he moaned, grinding down hard, making Jeongin gasp. Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around Jeongin, pressing them closer. “One day I’ll truly worship you, just like you deserve… Though, until then,” he said with an impish smile, tilting his head so he could suck a bruise into Jeongin’s collarbone. 

Jeongin was powerless as he leaned back, pressing his head to the pillow as he allowed his lover to mark him. Even if he could have stopped Hyunjin, he didn’t want to. Hyunjin already had his heart and soul, Jeongin saw no point in withholding his body. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin whined, hands going to Hyunjin’s hair when the other pressed closer, making it almost unbearable for Jeongin. The strands were like silk between his fingers, soft yet strong as they tangled willingly before he tugged at them slightly. Hyunjin moaned, teeth softly sinking into Jeongin’s skin. He groaned in pleasure. “Please,” Jeongin added with a hiss, pressing up in his search for relief.

Hyunjin shuddered in his arms, his nails digging into Jeongin’s ribs. 

“Can… Can I touch you?” Hyunjin asked, one of his hands sliding down, teasing the hem of Jeongin’s sweats leaving no doubt about what it was he wanted. Jeongin frowned, contemplating for a moment, but eventually nodded. “Okay,” Hyunjin replied with a smile, eyes dark as he licked his lips, Jeongin’s eyes following his tongue with an intense look, anticipation crawling under his skin.

Hyunjin allowed his hand to gently travel under the hem of Jeongin’s sweatpants, and further down, taking Jeongin into his hand, nimble finger wrapping around the length, gingerly stroking him with practiced ease. Jeongin inhaled shakily, dragging his fingers into Hyunjin’s hair, pulling him closer, and tugging Hyunjin’s face into the crook of Jeongin’s neck.

Hyunjin chuckled against Jeongin’s throat, nibbling the soft skin, and forced a moan out of Jeongin when he twisted his wrist. Jeongin moved into the touch, back arching off the pillow tucked behind his back. He wanted Hyunjin to move faster, to bring him closer to the edge.

“We can try something,” Hyunjin said, suddenly pulling back, leaving Jeongin whining when Hyunjin’s hand retreated. 

Hyunjin got back up on his knees, putting his abdomen right in front of Jeongin. Jeongin looked down, the little stone in Hyunjin’s belly button catching his attention. Jeongin leaned forward, flattening his tongue and running it over the taut skin of Hyunjin’s stomach catching the little silver barbell with his tongue. “Fuck, Innie,” Hyunjin hissed, muscles quivering under his mouth. 

“I really like your piercing,” Jeongin said, licking Hyunjin’s stomach again, confidence filling him when Hyunjin groaned above him. 

“I gathered that,” Hyunjin said breathlessly, shivering as he pulled Jeongin away so he could kiss him softly. 

“Even though I want to, I won’t fuck you just yet,” Hyunjin said, voice seductive as he pulled away from Jeongin, staring at him with those dark eyes that made Jeongin lose all sense of reason. “But I do want a taste of you.”

Jeongin wanted to touch every part of Hyunjin, he wanted to let his lips travel over his body, leave trails of devotion all over his skin, mark and claim him, make him Jeongin’s through and through. He wanted to kiss the little mole Hyunjin had under his eye, sprinkling hickeys all over his clavicles and throat, caress the softness of his waist, and show high praise to the man he was so deeply devoted to. He wanted to do all that, except...

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Jeongin admitted, a bit embarrassed, hands fidgeting where they had slipped to rest on Hyunjin’s waist, knowing there was no one in the world he would be able to be as unabashedly honest as Hyunjin. Jeongin knew nothing about intimacy, perhaps only enough to get him by if he stumbled over an uncensored sex scene in a novel. Never in his life had he thought he would be in this position, Hyunjin above him, staring at him like he was prey, lust hanging heavily in the room.

“I know,” Hyunjin said with a soft smile, letting his thumb caress the apple of Jeongin’s cheek, his eyes bright and affectionate. “And we'll figure all of this out together. Your inexperience doesn’t scare me, nor should my experience make you ashamed. We’re in this together. Let me worship and care for you as promised. All you have to do is just have to lean back, and let me do all the work,” he said, letting his hand drift through Jeongin’s hair. 

“Doesn’t seem fair,” Jeongin protested weakly as he leaned into the touch, ignoring the shiver of anticipation running down his spine. He wanted to feel Hyunjin around him again, but clearly, Hyunjin had other plans in mind. 

“Trust me,” Hyunjin said, leaning away as he shimmied his sweats and underwear down his thighs slowly revealing his hip bones painfully slowly. “I have been wanting to do this for ages. It’s not hard work for me,” he added, getting off Jeongin to pull his pants off completely, baring himself for Jeongin.

Jeongin could only stare. 

It wasn’t the first time he had seen someone naked, but Hyunjin was different. Jeongin felt himself blush, blood rushing through his body, fast and joyous. He shivered again as he felt his desire grow, pushing even harder against his sweats at the sight of Hyunjin naked and exposed before him. 

He was surprised to find that he wasn’t as shy as he should have been as he took in Hyunjin’s naked body, his eyes following his powerful lithe arms, his lean stomach, his powerful thighs, the v of his hips, and his… Well, even that was pretty, Jeongin supposed, as his eyes lingered shyly between Hyunjin’s hips.

Jeongin suddenly felt shy and vulnerable.

This was Hyunjin after all, and he knew. He knew Jeongin was a virgin, that he hadn't been kissed by anyone other than Hyunjin himself, and that Jeongin knew nothing. Hyunjin would never judge him, and Jeongin knew this because otherwise, Hyunjin would have left him the moment Jeongin awkwardly had begun experimenting while they were making out, teeth and tongue working in awkward and inexperienced ways. 

Hyunjin had always accepted Jeongin, fully and completely… and yet, the doubt was slowly creeping in the more he stared at Hyunjin because all of him was just so painfully beautiful. 

“Can I take yours off as well?” Hyunjin asked, settling back beside Jeongin and carefully tugging at the hem of Jeongin’s own sweats. 

It suddenly felt too real. Sure, Hyunjin had just held him between his fingers, working up and down the length of Jeongin, but for some reason, the idea of baring himself was making Jeongin feel exposed and ashamed. He was nothing compared to Hyunjin, nor anyone Hyunjin had been intimate with before. 

Jeongin didn’t know where this uncertainty came from, but he wished it had never surfaced. 

“I don’t have tattoos,” Jeongin suddenly blurted, making Hyunjin look at him a little odd. “I don’t have any hidden piercings… I’m nothing like anyone you’ve been with before. I’m nothing special,” he bit his lip, regretting what he said immediately. Why was he like this? Why was he bringing up his own insecurities, when Hyunjin was right there in front of him, completely naked and everything Jeongin had ever desired? “I don’t know anything.”

Jeongin half expected Hyunjin to laugh at him, or perhaps pull his pants back on, but instead, he pulled Jeongin closer and kissed his temple.

“And thank God for that,” Hyunjin said, his warm hand cradling Jeongin’s chin and forcing him to look up. “Because you’re my Innie. And I don’t want anyone else. Whoever I was with before doesn’t matter anymore. We didn’t work. You’re perfect the way you are, better than anyone else. You can get tattoos if you want, you can get a piercing if that is what you wish for. I don't care, because, in the end, the one I care about is you. Just you. My Jeongin. My Love. The rest is just a bonus,” he added with a smile, gently guiding Jeongin back so he landed on his pillows with a soft huff. 

“I care that you're here right now, with me and no one else,” Hyunjin said, fingers sneaking in between the hem of Jeongin’s underwear and his skin, a burning sensation spreading from where his touch lingered. Hyunjin looked at Jeongin, waiting for permission to continue. Jeongin nodded, biting his lips as he stared at his lover. “I have been dreaming about this for months,” Hyunjin said with a hungry glint in his eyes as Jeongin lifted up his hips, allowing Hyunjin to pull Jeongin’s pants down in one swift movement, leaving Jeongin naked and exposed on his bed.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin said, eyes on Jeongin’s dick, now finally free from the constraints of his pants. He licked his lips, lifting an eyebrow as he looked up at Jeongin. “Trust me, Love, that-” he dropped the pants on the floor as his free hand reached out to gently touch Jeongin, “-is nothing to feel bad about,” he added, his elegant hand wrapping around Jeongin, his thumb swiping over the leaking head.

Hyunjin was moving with precision, with no hesitation in his eyes as he stared at Jeongin hungrily. Where there before had been a faint hesitation, there was only resolute determination as Hyunjin allowed his hand to drift down, slowly and tight before he pulled up again, dragging a deep moan from Jeongin.

Jeongin arched his back, pushing into the pillows, eyes wide as he looked up at his crucifix, his breath stuck in his throat. It felt so different now that he could watch with his own eyes, how Hyunjin's hand traveled up and down, drawing pleasurous sounds out of Jeongin.

“Have you ever touched yourself?” Hyunjin asked innocently, kneeling in front of Jeongin, gently letting his hand travel down the length of Jeongin’s cock, pulling another breathy moan out of the man underneath him. He stopped, just holding on to Jeongin at the base, pressing down ever so gently and making Jeongin squirm with need. 

His hands were buried in the duvet, holding on to his sanity with a death grip.

“Yeah,” Jeongin admitted breathlessly as he looked down. The sight of Hyunjin sitting naked in his bed, while he just casually held Jeongin in his hand was sinful in the best of ways. He felt lightheaded from lust, and all he knew was that he wanted Hyunjin closer.

“Hmm,” Hyunjin hummed, looking up and meeting Jeongin’s eyes. “Have you ever thought of me while you did it?” He asked, another upward movement of his hand almost sending Jeongin to heaven. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin admitted with a moan, because really there wasn’t any point in lying. Of course, he had. It wasn’t that he had done it often since it was a sin, but sometimes his longing became too much for him, only his imagination and hands able to bring him to completion. But it was still sinful, and after he had been told of Hyunjin ‘passing away’ he hadn’t touched himself for years, allowing time and cold water to take care of any inconvenience. It was only lately that he had begun again shyly and hesitantly, the phantom of Hyunjin’s lingering touches and the echo of his moans enough to fuel Jeongin’s fantasies at night. 

“Do you ever think about anyone else?” Hyunjin suddenly asked, eyes slightly narrowed as he looked at Jeongin, his hand keeping the same maddeningly slow pace, fully aware of what he was doing, teasing Jeongin like this. “Or am I the only one you dream about?” He inquired, leaning closer, giving the tip of Jeongin’s length a little lick.  

“There is only you,” he said, moaning when Hyunjin planted his teeth in his inner thigh, Jeongin’s legs quivering uselessly around Hyunjin, making the other grip his thigh in a harsh hold, keeping him still.

“Only me?” Hyunjin said as he pulled away, no doubt leaving a dark bruise behind for Jeongin to find later. “I'm the only one you think about?” He asked again, having a hard time hiding his smugness. 

“Only you,” Jeongin agreed, trailing his hand through Hyunjin’s hair again adoringly. “Only ever you,” he added with a sigh, feeling a thrill go through him from Hyunjin’s pleased possessiveness. For Jeongin there had always only been Hyunjin, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise. 

“Sexy,” Hyunjin said with a cheeky smile. “You have to tell me if I'm better than your imagination later,” he said, leaning in over Jeongin and licking a long stipe up Jeongin’s cock. Jeongin gasped, barely getting a second to gather his wits before Hyunjin’s hot mouth engulfed him, sinking down.

“H- Hyun,” Jeongin moaned, a fretting hand settling into Hyunjin’s hair as he held on tight. Hyunjin moaned as Jeongin pulled his hair, the vibrations traveling into Jeongin who groaned loudly, his free hand bunching up his sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. “Fuck,” he managed not able to hold back the obscene sounds spilling from him when Hyunjin pulled back up, tongue flattening against his dick and pressing him against the roof of Hyunjin’s mouth. 

“Hmm,” Hyunjin hummed, making Jeongin see stars before he pulled off Jeongin with a pop. “You like this?” He asked, making Jeongin narrow his eyes at him, feeling a little like throttling his boyfriend, but his brain was too scrambled to do anything but tug at Hyunjin’s hair.

“I like it when you pull my hair,” Hyunjin said instead, eyes darkening even further as he stared up at Jeongin. “Keep it up, and I don’t know how well I’ll be able to behave myself. The fun has only just started,” he smiled, wrapping his lips sinfully around Jeongin, sinking down slowly, drawing all sorts of sounds out of the younger. 

Jeongin closed his eyes, a sigh leaving him as the desire pooled in his stomach, tightening in his lower abdomen. He bit his lips, willing himself not to cum yet. 

“Eyes on me,” Hyunjin commanded as he pulled off briefly. Jeongin's eyes flew open, meeting the dark eyes of his lover. “You should look at me, and me only,” he said, the tip of Jeongin’s cock resting on his lower lip. Hot air blew over it as he spoke, making Jeongin shiver.

“I will,” Jeongin promised, voice shaking as his thumb swiped over Hyunjin’s cheekbone. He looked debauched like this. Lips wet, red and puffy, eyes a little watery from taking Jeongin so deep. Jeongin burned the image into his memory, the way his blond hair was falling into his eyes, the way he looked at Jeongin like he was the most precious thing in the world. 

“Good boy,” Hyunjin said, the praise making Jeongin groan in pleasure. Hyunjin smiled, holding Jeongin’s eyes as he took his cock back into his mouth, not once breaking eye contact. Jeongin could only look on in blind lust as Hyunjin continued to swallow him down, sinking deeper and deeper until Jeongin hit the back of his throat. Jeongin whined as all the nerve endings in his body came alive.

“Fuck,” he hissed as he followed Hyunjin moving back up and down again with his eyes. All he could do was watch his boyfriend continue to suck him off, small pleased hums and sighs escaping Hyunjin as he worked up and down Jeongin.

Hyunjin’s tongue should have its very own paragraph among earth’s temptations. The way it slid over Jeongin, played with him, and pressed against the tiniest and most pleasurable points was maddening. Jeongin didn’t even know it could feel like this, that there could be some much pleasure to be had from just a touch.

He moaned, hand tightening in Hyunjin’s hair as he lost the grip of his body, hips gently chasing the tight wet feeling of Hyunjin’s mouth. Hyunjin just moaned around him before he pinned Jeongin down with his hand, nails digging into his thighs and leaving a line of deep crescent indentations.

“Fuck,” Jeongin moaned, struggling to keep his eyes open as he stared at Hyunjin. “Hyun,” he gasped, the name falling from his lips like a prayer. “Please.” Jeongin knew he couldn’t last, not with the way Hyunjin felt around him, nor with the way Hyunjin’s free hand was softly caressing Jeongin’s thigh carefully, smoothing out the painful marks his nails had left behind. The tightening feeling in his lower abdomen got worse and Jeongin could feel himself like a string, stretching and stretching, just seconds from unraveling and tearing apart.

“Hyun, fu-” he hissed, eyes getting watery from the waves that were building up inside of him. “I'm… I'm gonna-” he moaned, pulling at Hyunjin’s hair to no avail. His lover didn’t move, just continued working him towards completion, swallowing Jeongin deep again, his cock once more hitting the back of Hyunjin’s throat. 

With a broken whimper, Jeongin came, spilling onto Hyunjin’s tongue, drawing a pleased moan out of the man around him.

Jeongin fell apart, barely blinking as he stared at Hyunjin, who swallowed his release, holding his eyes and allowing Jeongin to ride out his pleasure. When Hyunjin pulled off with a breathless gasp his eyes were wet, white painting the corner of his lip. His tongue peeked out and licked up the little speck, making Jeongin shudder.

Hyunjin leaned back and briefly admired his work and the mess he had made out of Jeongin, before he moved closer.

“Fuck, that was so hot,” Hyunjin muttered, grabbing Jeongin’s chin and lifting his head up to capture his lips in a searingly hot kiss. Jeongin could taste himself on Hyunjin’s tongue, but he didn’t care, allowing Hyunjin to deepen the kiss, and settle himself on his lap again. His limbs were heavy and sated and he just wanted to hold Hyunjin close, his hands already having found their place at his waist. However, the way Hyunjin’s cock kept bumping into him was a constant reminder to him that he was the only one who had been allowed release… and that wasn’t fair.

“Hyun,” Jeongin whispered as he pulled away from the kiss, voice hesitant as he reached his hand down, drawing a soft gasp from his lover as he reached for him to hold him in his hand softly. He was warm, hot and heavy in his hand, and yet the skin was so soft. “I don't know how,” he admitted as he let his hand close around Hyunjin, moving his fist up and down, awkward from the angle and his inexperience. 

“I’ll show you,” Hyunjin whispered, folding his hand around Jeongin’s fingers, helping him out. With a few gentle nudges, he adjusted Jeongin’s grip, making it less awkward, before putting his hand around Jeongin’s, helping Jeongin with the pressure. “This is good,” Hyunjin said breathlessly, leaning back so he was hovering over Jeongin, lifted up on one arm against the wall, letting his forehead rest against Jeongin’s. Jeongin focussed his eyes on his hand working up and down, precum making the slide easier. 

“You looked amazing,” Hyunjin said as they worked his cock in unity. “I can’t wait to do that again,” he added, eyes staring at Jeongin in the way that made it feel like he was staring at his soul. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin said, limbs feeling like lead as he looked up at his boyfriend. “Next time, I want to do that too,” he told him, biting his lip and moving his thumb over Hyunjin’s cock, a mimic of the move Hyunjin had just used on him. 

“Fuck,” Hyunjin breathed, the muscles in his stomach trembling as he sped up the movement of his and Jeongin’s entwined fingers. “I’d like that a lot,” he said with a smile, leaning down and capturing Jeongin’s lips in a bruising kiss. 

Jeongin deepened the kiss, letting his free hand travel up Hyunjin’s stomach, tugging a little at his piercing before he drifted up, nail digging into him, making his boyfriend groan against his lips as he came in long streaks over Jeongin’s stomach. 

“Fuck, Innie,” Hyunjin moaned, falling to the side after a moment of heavy breathing, draping his limbs all over Jeongin. “Shit, that was too good to just be from your hand,” he groaned, blinking lazily as he stared at Jeongin like he was one of the world's wonders. 

“I do have nice hands,” Jeongin teased, eyes drifting to the white streaks on his stomach, curiously gathering some on his finger. “You made a mess of me,” he said with a smile, sticking his finger in his mouth, tasting Hyunjin on his tongue. 

Beside him, Hyunjin made a strangled noise, drawing Jeongin’s attention, finger still in his mouth.

“Hm?” Jeongin hummed, licking his finger clean.

“Did you just, erhm,-” Hyunjin gestured to the mess he had made on Jeongin’s stomach and then to Jeongin’s moist finger.

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, cheeks suddenly red, eyes wide. “Was it not allowed? I didn’t know.” 

“No, no, you can, you can do that, yeah,” Hyunjin stumbled over his words, eyes still stuck on Jeongin’s lips. “That is perfectly allowed, fuck,” he groaned, closing his eyes for a second before he looked at Jeongin again. “You like it?” He asked, hand sliding up and down Jeongin’s naked thigh. 

“It has a weird taste, but it’s nice, I guess,” Jeongin said bashfully, his cheeks hurting a little. “Thanks. I really liked this… us. I really liked us… If you want to, you can do that again,” he added awkwardly, cheeks getting pink again. Hyunjin had literally just had his dick in his mouth and here Jeongin was blushing like an idiot again. Thankfully, Hyunjin seemed to enjoy the sight going by how he looked at Jeongin adoringly. 

“My pleasure,” Hyunjin said with a grin, taking a deep breath before he looked at Jeongin again. “And don’t worry. We will be doing this again, and again, and again,” he said, each ‘again’ accentuated with a kiss on Jeongin’s shoulder. Jeongin couldn’t hold back a laugh, his limbs becoming relaxed and pliant as he giggled under Hyunjin’s attention. 

“Let me fix this,” Hyunjin said with a kiss on Jeongin's chest. He sighed as he got up to get Jeongin’s shirt from the floor, quickly wiping away the evidence of his release before he threw it onto the floor. “And there. Now you’re clean. Come here,” he grinned, leaning in to capture Jeongin’s lips in yet another bruising kiss.

“Soon,” Jeongin promised when they pulled apart, eyes staring at Hyunjin. “We have to do it again soon.” Hyunjin had been so beautiful when he came, so open and free as he had stared at Jeongin. It was addicting. Even now, next to Jeongin, completely unabashed in his nakedness, he was gorgeous and Jeongin couldn’t get enough. If it wasn’t because he was wrung out and spent completely he would have attacked Hyunjin again. 

He reached out, intertwining their fingers as he pulled Hyunjin closer.

“We most definitely are,” Hyunjin promised him, laying down next to him and wrapping him up like a resistant weed. “I hope he enjoyed the show,” he added, eyes lifting to above their head. Jeongin followed his eyes and couldn’t hold back a snicker when he saw Jesus look down at them. 

“Well, it’s the last one he’s getting,” Jeongin muttered, shaking his head fondly as he rolled into Hyunjin’s arms, relaxing completely. “I’m for your eyes only,” he said with a sigh, kissing Hyunjin’s shoulder before he allowed the sound of their unified breathing to fill the room.

Jeongin just wanted to cuddle now, to feel all that warm skin close to his own, and revel in their closeness. To let his fingers linger and learn all of his lover’s body, to become as familiar with Hyunjin’s body as his own. It wouldn’t happen today, but they had time. They had all the time in the world.

“Stay here tonight,” Jeongin said, pressing closer to Hyunjin as he stroked his soft skin. “I don't want you to leave,” he said, a warm almost unbearable feeling filling his chest. He stared at Hyunjin, biting his lips to keep the words in. 

“I don’t want to leave,” Hyunjin said, staring at Jeongin with that same look filled with words that were too vulnerable to be said. “I don’t ever want to leave,” he said, caressing Jeongin’s face so tenderly Jeongin’s heart hurt. 

One day, Jeongin would tell him. One day soon, Jeongin would put a name to the feelings he felt towards Hyunjin.  

oOo

Dear God…

If that is a sin we really need to talk

Chapter Text

“That’s mine,” Jeongin whooped in joy as Jisung’s token finally landed on one of his properties. “Pay up, loser!” He grinned, reaching his palm out, demanding rent from Jisung. 

“You’re so mean when we play this,” Jisung muttered, leafing through his fake money and counting out what he owed Jeongin. “Here you go, boss, this week's protection money.”

“Ah, thank you,” Jeongin said, putting the money into his own wad of brightly colored cash. “I love the smell of other people’s money,” he said, fanning his face as he smirked at Chan and Felix who had been out of the game for a while. 

“Kill them with kindness,” Chan said with a roll of his eyes, munching on a bowl of chips. “Besides I can’t even be mad that I don’t have the talent to crush someone. It is a system meant to ruin others for your own benefit.”

“Chan, it’s a board game,” Changbin said with a smile, his hand comfortable on Felix’s thigh. “I get the parallels to modern society, but if we were all equipped with starting investment funds, I do think the world would look a lot different.”