Chapter Text
Truthfully, Sayori hasn’t the slightest clue how her downward spiral had started. She’d pinpoint it to some time during her childhood, maybe. Or was it later than that? Earlier? It’s kind of funny how people expect her to have answers for everything like her main problem from all this crap is, hello, memory loss!
So, when she’s asked how long she’s been depressed, she throws on her half-hearted, ‘everything is great!’ smile. Then she says, “Oh, a while, I guess.” Hoping that they’ll just brush it off in favor of that sweet, sweet ignorance. They used to… She misses the way they would go along with it.
Everything changed after the day they’d finally sat down and really talked for once. Like a family should, Sayori had said—her nerdy book family, ehe.
They all had some sort of confession, some deeper than others, but everyone had something. Yuri mentioned her depression. “I, ah... I do experience depressive episodes from time to time.” Natsuki briefly said something about her dad being ‘not so great’. “H-he’s just a jerk about my manga! It’s no big deal... just annoys me...” Monika finally admitted to being an anxiety riddled perfectionist. “Aha, I assume you all basically thought that of me anyway..!” Stuff like that. Of course Sayori brought up her own depression, since Yuri had kindly tested the waters. “Um… I actually have depression too! But it’s not bad, I swear, so you guys don’t have to worry. Really!”
She hadn’t convinced them well at all.
As such, the norms shifted. Monika began to wave at Sayori more often. Natsuki started making sure that Monika knew it was okay to loosen up once in a while, if a little aggressively. Yuri offered Natsuki a cup of tea and a shoulder to lean on. Sayori did her own part by letting herself voice her thoughts once in a while, which really just meant letting everyone know how much she adores them. Suffice to say, things have been… nicer. A lot nicer.
It’s weird having people who care about her enough to go out of their way to make her a little happier. She’s more used to her old friends, from before the club. They ignored her a lot, yeah, but they never questioned. They were the fun friends who went bowling and snuck out of the house together—not that Sayori ever went along with the latter—and they definitely didn’t know anything about mental health. So she is grateful for her current friends, of course...
But despite their attempts at reaching out, she suspects they’ve all kept some secrets. They must’ve. She’s seen the way Natsuki squirms in her chair before pretending she’s just zoning out again, and how Yuri flinches back when someone tries to touch her. She knows they’re all pretty bad actresses when push comes to oh-so-predictable shove.
Sayori has always been a good actress, more or less. In her own opinion. Sometimes, it gets to the point where she manages to convince herself that everything is fine. Because most people think about the ways they could just… drop off the face of the world. Most people go home and lay in bed, wishing everything would just shut up. Most people give themselves up for everyone else and then have nobody to turn to when the going gets rough. But she has people! So she's honestly doing well!
This illusion that she’s made for herself, this stupidly intricate lie, is broken every now and then. Usually when she realizes the look on Monika’s face is pale with worry, or when Yuri’s breath catches in her throat, or when Natsuki can do nothing but dig her nails into her palms. Her friends remind her that she’s not normal. She tries not to resent them too much for it.
Back to her secret… Well… it’s not something she really would want to share with anyone. Ever. And that includes her dearest, closest friends in the entire world. Which is saying quite a lot. The guilt eats at her, but then again, wouldn’t it be worse if they all knew? She would just be inviting extra attention. They’d worry over her and treat her like some broken object.
If the beginning of her depression is foggy, then this is even foggier. It just… ‘came to be’ one day, and she can’t break away. It almost makes her laugh. Who would ever expect the bottomless pit airhead to have an eating disorder? No one. The perfect crime.
So she laughs, and laughs, and laughs until she cries.
She corrects herself just as the thought crosses her mind again. Not ‘eating disorder’. Eating problem. Not even that, just some kind of crash diet. Or something. Not disorder. She doesn’t need to seem sicker than she already does, so she writes it off again and again.
This is the one thing Sayori needs to keep for herself. The only thing. She’s allowed to have a coping mechanism, sue her! She needs it. She can’t live without it. If she didn’t know better, she’d say it benefits her more than it hurts her.
But she does know better. A lot better, actually.
See, Sayori can be a bit of a space case, but that doesn’t mean she’s not smart. A lot of idiots are just geniuses that just don’t speak the same language. She likes to think she falls into that category sometimes… Look, the point is, she knows enough... and either way, she can’t stop.
She knows she rolls the dice every day, she knows her knuckles are scarring over, she knows her teeth are pretty much screwed, she knows her organs probably hate her guts—ehe, it's kind of a pun, right?—for how she’s abusing them. And she can't bring herself to care. She deserves everything she has coming. Why bother getting out of bed? Why brush her teeth? Why eat proper meals when everything comes back up anyway? Why do anything at all?
On the best days, she zones out a little and gets called dumb; she’s fine with that. On the worst days, she cracks. She gets snacks from the vending machine after starving herself all day, and someone makes a snide comment about how much she’s eating. Suddenly she never wants to eat again. This, of course, only makes her eat more, because logic dictates that she is incapable of good choices.
Side note, you know what she hates? Natsuki’s cupcakes. She hates them. Because they’re the best thing she’s ever freaking tasted! It's a weird thing to criticize... She just can’t control herself around them. But everyone seems so happy, and she can’t shove them away with the bottomless-pit-for-a-stomach reputation she’s earned. So she takes more than her fair share, every single time, then she excuses herself to the bathroom and undoes the damage. She knows fully that she’ll never get the sugar off her lips.
But as of right now, she’s feeling pretty good. Natsuki hasn’t brought cupcakes in a while. The whole group is feeling a lot closer. She’s only a little bit spaced out. Things are okay. It’s just another club meeting, and she will be fine, because she always is! Her name is Sayori, darn it, and she is doing spectacularly amazing!
“May I, erm, read your poem, Sayori?” It’s Yuri that finally breaks her out of her trance. Jeez, maybe she’s more spaced out than she thought. She wonders how long she’s been standing there for.
Sayori smiles at her. It’s genuine, she’s pretty sure. Yuri smiles back, and she’s pleased to report that it also seems to be real. “Sure! I’d love to see yours, too!” They exchange papers, and she notes that Yuri’s is much more neat and clean than hers. It’s perfectly flat, with straight rows of careful penmanship, while her own is a little crumpled, off colored with coffee stains, and... debatably legible. “Sorry in advance for it being kind of a mess,” she tacks on, with a little giggle.
“Oh, it’s perfectly fine,” Yuri says sincerely. “I appreciate reading your work in whatever form it happens to take.”
The compliment is so Yuri that it intensifies Sayori’s smile. Of course, it also means that sloppy work is becoming normalized, but—oh, the poem! Right, right. Oops.
She gets to work reading it line by line, on high alert for any metaphors she can work out. It’s a little harder for her to get through today, since it feels like her brain is floating away from her. She finds herself rereading the same stanzas over and over again just to grasp a basic understanding.
Finally, she figures that it’s most likely about the group dynamic's recent shift in relation to Yuri’s mental state. She uses tons of symbolism with dark and supernatural thingies, but Sayori thinks the layer of mysteriousness really adds to the effect. See? She's totally a secret genius. She sneaks a glance at Yuri, and suddenly wishes she could remember what she herself had written. Yeah, it probably would've been smarter to proof before sharing... Oh well. That's a thing prepared people do, so not her.
Sayori decides to speak first, in case Yuri is just being kind of shy. “I love it! Your metaphors always bring your meaning to life, it’s like I can feel what you’re feeling in the words. Your poetry is always super deep, too!” Nice one, so her poetry is ‘deep’. Maybe secret genius is being generous.
“Thank you,” Yuri brightens a little, “I very much enjoyed reading yours, as well. Although..” Her brow furrows. “It’s a touch darker than your usual approaches. Do you have a particular reason for writing this? I know we all tend to gravitate towards heavy topics, but.. I felt that it would be appropriate to ask.”
Crap. Now she really wants to know what she wrote. Probably something not too bad, right? Her memories are all smudged up, so all she can remember is hastily scrawling something down at two in the morning and shoving it in her bag. Hence the, uh, coffee stains and wrinkles, ehe.
Sayori shakes her head. “I’m actually doing really good right now! But thank you for checking on me, it means a lot. Just try not to worry, ‘cause if you keep good vibes, they’ll rub off on me!” She’s learned all the tricks. If you say you’re fine, they question. If you say you’re fine and then talk their ear off, then, well, why wouldn’t they believe you?
An almost quizzical expression brushes over Yuri’s face, but it’s gone so fast Sayori isn’t convinced she didn’t make it up. “Alright… In any case, I'm truly glad to hear of your improvements. I'll attempt to keep 'good vibrations’. For your benefit.” Sayori giggles again, because of course Yuri can’t force herself to say ‘vibes’.
Unfortunately, as quickly as she fell into a nice rhythm with Yuri, the girls rotate and she’s faced with Natsuki. Not that she has anything against Natsuki! Her cupcakes on the other hand... War.
“Here,” says the girl in question, holding out a page of pink stationery. It takes everything in Sayori not to call it cute. “It’ll blow your friggin’ socks off.”
“It'd better!” Sayori beams at her. Hopefully she isn’t coming off too strong... but Natsuki mirrors her expression, so she calms down a little. The poem in her hand is grounding, too, it reminds her of where she is and what she’s doing. Having a task always helps.
As per usual, Natsuki’s poetry is made of pretty basic words and imagery, but it always packs a heck of a punch. Sayori will never understand why people look down on this type of writing. In her opinion, it can be even more impactful than other styles. Not that she’d risk saying that out loud.
Hm. It occurs to her that Yuri’s poem is relatively similar to Natsuki’s. Maybe that means they won’t fight over it as much... Wishful thinking, though, since they bicker like an old married couple. Again: Fun in her head, death sentence out loud.
Natsuki is tilting her head, then she blinks and straightens out. It occurs to Sayori once again that she barely remembers a word of what she wrote. And that she should probably look it over before she gives it to Monika. Somehow, Monika always makes her feel much, much more nervous than the other two. It’s probably her expertise. She got so good at poetry so fast. Of course Sayori is a little intimidated.
“Earth to Sayori,” Natsuki calls, waving her hand a bit. “I said your poem is good. You always… you know. Your new flow is cool, or whatever. I like it.” She has a history of downplaying when she wants to say something mushy, so this is the pinnacle of compliments.
New?
Sayori bounces up and down. Her performance has been so easy today. She feels like she could float off like a balloon. “Eeee, I’m so glad! I loved yours, too. I was just thinking about how well your style compliments the way you say things so bluntly, but not so obviously that it’s like, hey, this is my point, you know?”
Natsuki just smiles back. She’s always been good at keeping up with Sayori, which is a much appreciated break from endless strings of can-you-repeat-that-please. “Hey, thanks. Nice to know some people have good taste.”
“Oh, I meant to mention that your poem was kinda similar to Yuri’s—” she catches herself the moment she notices the look on Natsuki’s face, “I mean, like, the main ideas! They were both super different, but similar at the same time.”
Natsuki flushes and crosses her arms. She’s always two seconds away from getting worked up and defensive, so this isn’t anything surprising. “Uh, yeah they’re similar. We wrote them like that on purpose. But it’s not because we’re, like, best friends, or anything. Just wanted to do something fun...” She trails off. Sayori notes something different in the way she talks about Yuri now compared to the way she used to. Maybe they are becoming closer friends? But she decides not to press her luck and just nods thoughtfully.
They talk about their respective styles a little bit, before Yuri begins to approach Natsuki, and Monika is turning towards Sayori. She can’t help but notice the way Yuri’s cheeks are reddening with each step she takes closer. Maybe she’s nervous about getting pummeled by someone a foot shorter again, hehe.
“Hello, Sayori!” Monika greets brightly. “How’ve you been today?” This has become somewhat of a standard opening, at least since the group got their secrets out in the open. She can’t say it’s not a nice change.
Keeping up her story, Sayori smiles again. “I’ve been really good!” God, she hopes that was convincing. Monika can be... well, very, very observant. And that’s the last thing she needs right now.
Although, she doesn’t appear to be paying much attention. “Sayo, are you hurt? What happened to your hand?”
Her first thought: Nickname!! She has a nickname!! Her second, more rational thought: Hand? Sayori glances down, in a bit of a daze, and realizes that her knuckles are an unfortunate shade of red. Last night's events are quite literally written all over her. Stupid, stupid, stupid, her stupid habits, her stupid mistakes—! “Oh! I burned them earlier when I was making pancakes... I forgot about it until now, actually! But it was worth it, they were super, super good. I should make you some sometime,” she rattles on, humming a little for authenticity. Can't tell Monika the truth. That's ridiculous.
Rambling, good. Inviting someone—specifically Monika—over to eat, bad. Especially when she doesn't trust herself to eat like a normal human being when she’s alone.
Fortunately, Monika nods gently, as she always does. "Yeah, that would be amazing." Then she retrieves her poem and they exchange.
And… Monika once again hits it out of the park. The feelings in her words are clearly both very real and very strong. It manages to tug at Sayori’s heartstrings a little, which is difficult to do even though she adores everyone’s poetry. There's just something more intense here. Suffice to say, the gushing she plans on doing will also be very real. She usually doesn’t have to dramatize too much when it comes to Monika.
“I love it!!” Sayori chirps, hugging the poem close like she’s trying to suck the emotion out of it. “You’ve gotten so good so fast, Moni, remember when you used to ask me for tips? Now it looks like I’m the one asking you, heh.”
Monika hums thoughtfully, still looking over Sayori’s poem in a way that's starting to make her feel self-conscious. Because she probably hates it.
“Thank you,” Monika says finally, with a smile. Her expression matches Yuri’s from earlier. Oddly bittersweet. “It always means a lot to hear that you like my poetry. As for yours, I think it was wonderful, too. But it’s kind of… heavy, you know? So just know you can talk to me about anything.”
Jeez, two offers in one day, someone pinch her, she’s dreaming! Sayori is more than a little bewildered, but nods anyway. “Okay! It’s awesome knowing how much you care, but I promise I’m fine right now. I was… actually experimenting with writing from a different perspective, for a challenge, you know? To test my abilities a little. Sooo… I guess I did good!” It's an easy lie, and even though Monika doesn’t seem the least bit convinced, she nods. That is good enough.
When they all regroup, Sayori’s brain finally kicks into gear. She should probably read her own poem. She’s been meaning to, after all, for the literal past half an hour. So she pulls out her own paper once again. As her eyes drag down through line after line, a weight drops in her chest. This is not a poem. She did not mean to bring this in. Her heart rate quickens and it kinda feels like something has a tight grip on her ribcage. Crap.
“Sayori?” someone asks, but she’s too distracted to recognize who it is. She has to leave. She has to collect herself before she starts to freak. In a quick motion, Sayori turns on her heel and heads into the hallway.