Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

John held onto his beer mug as Robyn yapped, and yapped. He would usually tease her about how much she talks but right now he would take her chatting over his own thoughts. 

His thoughts, which had been really dark lately, were also clouding his mind when he left the house that evening. He needed to tell this to Gheorghe too but he didn’t have the courage to do so. So he came to meet his friend instead.

“Johnny?” 

His eyes cleared and he remembered where he was, “Yeah?”

“You were far away mate, are you alright?” she asked, genuine concern on her face.

John didn’t know how to reply to that. If he knew what to say, maybe he didn’t need to have ‘the talk’ with Gheorghe before that day. Still, he needed to try, it was only Robyn after all.

“No. Haven't been actually for the past week.” 

“What happened?” Robyn leaned forward, genuine curiosity showing on her face.

“Me dad.” and John smiled a bit as if this said everything that needed to be said.

“What? Is Martin sick again?” 

“No, he is fine, just how he was after his last check-up.” 

“Then what is it?”

And Johnny wished it was easy saying it but he would rather jump off a cliff.

“Johnny?” but Robyn was also like him, stubborn. It was actually admirable how she was the only friend of his who hadn’t fully given up on him. 

So John swallowed all the hesitance he had and decided to just say it. After all, he has been keeping it in for so long, “Dad’s been angry.”

And something changed in Robyn’s expression, “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Robyn didn’t say a thing, motioning for Johnny to continue. 

And John hesitated yet again. Ever since Robyn went to Uni he hasn’t made any effort to talk to her, to tell her about his own suffering, listen to what she had to say, or if she wanted to share her problems with him, even though she was a good friend. 

She is a good friend still…

Maybe he shouldn’t tell her. After all, what’s interesting in his life? 

But Gheorghe had taken that interest before.

God.

“I don’t know, dad has been over the edge since we came back from that check-up. He keeps telling me how to handle the farm and how I am wrong in certain things and…” he shook his head.

Robyn stared at him.

“Okay, I know what he is saying is right and I should follow in his footsteps but…” he trailed off.

Robyn raised her eyebrows at him, urging him to continue. 

John laughed mentally. He opened his mouth to finally talk about feelings and now he doesn’t know how to explain them to his friend. Still, he has come this far so he can go on for some time more. 

“I thought,” Johnny shook his head, “So I know that whatever dad is saying is right and he just wants to teach me the farmwork or whatever and I should just get on with his mood swings, but I can’t do that all the time.” 

“What happened exactly.” Robyn crossed her arms.

“Dad is snapping a lot lately and I can’t take it. I thought he changed.” Johnny sighed, “I told you about that time when I talked to dad about Gheorghe?”

“Yeah.” Robyn nodded.

Looking away, he continued, “I thought dad changed Robyn. I thought he was finally happy with me. But he isn’t.” he fidgeted with the beer mug, staring at it as if he could just break it with his fierce look.

“Johnny, he might be worried about you because of what is happening with him.” 

And John knew what she meant. Of course, dad fell sick at such a young age and of course, he would worry about leaving his son and his mother behind on a farm that barely provides food on the table.

“I know…” Johnny looked down at his hands, “I know, he is just worried, but why am I on the receiving end of all that?”

There it is. God, he has been trying to explain this to Gheorghe for the past few days but he couldn’t. And now it finally came out perfectly.

“Even though he can’t shout he still says all the things which show how disappointed he is in me.” 

Robyn didn’t say anything to that and John felt himself deflate. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe he should not talk about his shite life. 

“Anyroad…it doesn’t matter.”

“No, no it does.” Robyn tried to reassure him, “In fact, I am glad you are telling me all this.”

“What?” 

“It has been so long Saxby and you don’t usually tell me anything. So I was just surprised.”

He frowned at first before smiling slightly.

“I thought it was annoying. For others to hear about my stuff.” 

“No, not at all. You can tell me anything.” Robyn’s voice was somehow soothing and reassuring at the same time.

After talking for some more time, Johnny switched the topic. Even though it felt good to get things off his chest, it was still too much and he was already mentally hitting himself for telling so much to Robyn. When he dropped her back at her house, Johnny made his way to the farm, feeling much lighter. 

Maybe he really should make an effort to talk to Rob, maybe their friendship is not as broken as he thought it would be.

He parked his jeep and got out. The house seemed silent from the outside but he knew the telly must be on and everyone must be there in the living room.

So he went in with a purpose. 

But as he entered through the door, he couldn’t hear the telly. And somehow the house felt even more silent. 

Maybe dad was already asleep and Nan was ironing the clothes. Maybe Gheorghe was upstairs. He needed to talk to Gheorghe right now, needed to tell him whatever is happening to him for the past week, and needs to apologize for annoying him.

He silently climbed the stairs and directly went to his room. But…it was empty. And not only that, the room was in shambles even though Gheorghe always kept it clean. 

He went downstairs and directly into the living room. His guess was right, nan was ironing the clothes. 

“Nan?” 

She looked up and went back to the ironing, “Yes?”

“Where is Gheorghe?”

“He left.”

“What do you mean, like?”

“He left, John. You must’ve done something.”

Johnny sighed, “Is this a joke? If it is, tell me where he is.”

“At the bus stop.”

“Nan…” 

“John,” Deidre paused her task again, “that lad was happy with you, and he loved you, but you ruined all that again, so just let him go.” 

John stood straighter, “Nan, I don’t know what you are talking about.” 

This was confusing. Johnny knew that he and Gheorghe needed to talk, but their problems weren’t so big that Gheorghe needed to leave again. Maybe this was actually an elaborate practical joke. 

Still, his nan just sighed so Johnny didn’t have a choice but to check for himself. He went out directly towards the farm. Gheorghe must be mucking out the barn or feeding the beasts. But when he reached the wooden building, his lover wasn’t in sight. 

Okay, maybe he was fixing the fence at the back paddock, so John went there. He jogged because obviously, nan must be joking, right? She jokes a lot these days, got her humor back since Gheorghe came back from Scotland.

But the back paddock just spread out and merged with other farmlands for miles and miles and still no Gheorghe was in sight. 

Maybe, because it was dark he couldn’t see Gheorghe, or maybe whatever nan is saying is actually true. 

He walked back to the house, with one last hope of seeing Gheorghe in the kitchen, making cheese or one of those Romanian dishes, but all of that hope came shattering down too when Johnny saw that there was no one in the kitchen. 

“Lad, he went.” 

He jumped a little before turning around and finding his nan giving him a sad look.

Gheorghe really left. Maybe for good this time. 

But John didn’t know what he did wrong. 

He stepped towards his grandmother and with courage looked into her eyes. 

“Did he say why?” 

Please nan, please tell me. Why did he leave so suddenly?”

But nan just got…angry?

“Lad, get on with it now.” she went away to his dad’s room, leaving Johnny behind, alone in the hallway.

But he would get his answer, so he went towards the phone and dialed the number he knew by heart. 

Gheorghe still had his phone even though there was no network down here. But if he had gone to the bus stop, his phone would have been working fine. 

But all Johnny heard after dialing the number was his call going to Gheorghe’s voice mail.

Still, he had to try. So after the beep, he started speaking.

“Gheorghe, I know you must be angry because of how I have behaved lately. I am sorry. And I came back home because I wanted to talk about what happened today. Actually, I wanted to talk about whatever has been happening between us lately.” he gulped loudly, “You know I am a daft sod, right? I take back whatever I said before, I just want to be with ya and I also decided to get help. Please call back.” he kept the phone when he heard another beep.

But Gheorghe didn’t call back. The whole night went by and there was nothing from him. 

The next morning too John waited for his call but it was all in vain.

Finally, after lunch, when dad was settled in bed for a nap and Johnny had done enough work at the farm to take an hour break, he decided to confront his nan again, and this time he actually wanted answers. 

Nan was cleaning the kitchen shelves when Johnny found her and honestly as much as he needed to have a conversation he was still scared about it. 

So he acted as if he was going to get some milk and he opened the fridge and took out the milk carton.

He stared at the carton, trying to seem busy as he internally gathered the courage to speak.

“Nan?”

“Hm?”

Okay, I have to play it safe.

What would Gheorghe do in this situation?

“Nan, please tell me what happened.”

Deidre sighed and turned to look at Johnny, but when she saw the sincerity on his face, she hung the cleaning towel back on its stand. And then she turned around fully towards her grandson who was staring back at her now with the fridge door closed and his hands empty. 

“He got to know where you were last night,” she said simply as if it explained everything.

“I was with Rob, at the pub. And I told him before going.” Johnny shrugged.

Nan raised her eyebrows, “You didn’t meet anyone else?”

Frowning, Johnny replied, “No.”

That is when something shifted in Deidre’s posture and she leaned back against the kitchen counter.

After two minutes of silence, her eyes went somber, “That lad called on the house phone, the one you told us about the other day.”

“Frank?” Johnny had met him last week as he came down to the pub to meet all the people from school. 

Deidre nodded, “He talked to Gheorghe and said that you two…” 

She didn’t need to explain further. Johnny fisted his hands. As much as Frank was a show-off uni kid, he was also the man who had hit on John the previous night, and even though John had said no, Frank was insistent.

Johnny remembered how he had to practically shove Frank away when they went out for a smoke. He was getting too close to Johnny for his comfort even after so many warnings.

And just because John refused to fuck him in the pub toilet, he went and lied to Gheorghe?

But most importantly, Gheorghe believed that stupid lie?

John decided that he will deal with Frank later but right now he needed to do something about Gheorghe. God, he should’ve talked to Gheorghe earlier, he should’ve talked to him after their fight this week…

Well, it wasn’t a fight, it was just a mere disagreement like Gheorghe phrased it, but still.

How can I let this happen? Johnny thought.

As he stood at his place, he didn’t realize he was trembling.

He looked away from his grandmother, his eyes going blurry, “Nan, I don’t know if you believe me or not, but I didn’t do it. I love Gheorghe and I would never hurt him again.” then he was walking out of the room not even caring what nan was going to say.

God, he was so angry. He was angry at Frank for doing this. He was angry at himself for being too late, he was angry at Gheorghe for leaving so suddenly and not even considering talking to John before going.

He immersed himself in work and tried to suppress his thoughts. And anyway there was no time for those emotions. He needed to call the vet because one of the cows was sick and he had to make sure the calves were doing okay. 

Then he has to complete muck spreading and then fix that fence. 

He did all that until he was sure he was dead tired and it was dark and way past dinner. 

He didn’t see his nan and his dad and instead ate dinner in the kitchen alone before disappearing into his room.

The next morning Robyn showed up at his house. She was cheerful but seemed tired. Maybe it was because she was leaving for Bradford that evening. 

Johnny offered her some tea and if he was being honest he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

Robyn seemed to sense that as she asked: “What happened now Johnny boy?”

John was surprisingly quick, “Gheorghe left.”

“Oh, to Romania? Was he going this month to meet his mother?” she sipped her tea.

“No, he was going next month. But I won’t know because he left last night.”

“What do you mean, like?”

“That Gheorghe left,” he looked at her, “He left me, for good probably.”

Robyn’s eyes widened, “Holy shit.” 

And Johnny would’ve laughed at Robyn’s face right now but he only managed a small smile.

“But why?” she insisted, keeping the cup of tea back on the table.

Johnny told her everything and her face got even more comical.

“So he didn’t trust you enough?” Robyn asked.

“I should’ve talked to him sooner, we haven’t been talking for a whole week.” 

“Yes, but he should’ve trusted you too, like why would he believe the words of a random lad who just shows off about his uni?” 

“I don’t know.” Johnny shrugged.

Robyn observed him for some time, “John, look at me.”

He did.

“I understand you and Gheorghe had your problems before this incident, but if he couldn’t trust you then you could’ve done nothing about convincing him otherwise.” 

And Johnny gulped. 

The previous week had been so hard for him. Dad’s hospitalization, and then his anger. Everything was falling apart around him and he had stupidly distanced himself from Gheorghe. And now this.

“I don’t know what to think of this Robyn, this is mad, all this.” he sighed, “And I want to call him and tell him to come back because I need to clear things out with him, but I think he was also tired from me and so he took the chance he saw in front of him.” 

“Why would he do that? Didn’t he like you?” 

Johnny smiled, “Yeah, he liked me,” he looked down at his fidgeting hands, “but you know what? His life was hell here.” he remembered how worried Gheorghe had been for the past week, always walking on eggshells around John.

Robyn stood up from the chair and sat beside Johhny on the sofa, “Hey, look at me.”

And John did.

“Johnny, maybe you and Gheorghe had your differences, but don’t blame it on yourself entirely. There must be his own problems too and, don’t forget, he believed a lie about you.” when she saw Johnny’s expression change and tears appearing in his eyes, she hesitantly put her arms around his shoulders.

When he didn’t react negatively she full-fetched hugged him.

Johnny cried, finally letting out his frustration which he had been holding in for so long.

Chapter Text

A month after Gheorghe left, Johnny received a strange letter. If anything, he was really surprised by it because people rarely wrote him letters. But the phone was also at fault regarding this.

The letter was written to him and at first glance, Johnny didn't even read who it was from, he just assumed it was some land document from a greedy buyer.

But once he sat down to sort the papers out he read the address and the name of the sender.

From Joanne Smith

Oh.

He knew that name. He knew it very well. Sure people called his mother Annie but seven-year-old Johnny also knew that Annie was just a nickname. 

He took the letter out from the envelope. Thank god Nan wasn’t home and dad was asleep.

And when he opened the folded paper, he was hit with nostalgia because of that handwriting.

It was not familiar but still familiar at the same time. Suddenly he remembered the time when she had written an essay for his English homework.

And he remembered how angry his teacher had been for getting his homework done by his mother. 

But she was good at all that.

He decided to read the letter after all and with his shaking hands, he held it up,

Dear John,

I hope this letter finds you well. I know it is not good of me to write to you after no contact for the past 15 years. But I can't go my whole life without ever talking to you again, can I? 

I know, that no words of affirmation from me will convince you that I genuinely missed you all these years. I have been a bad mother and no amount of apologies will fix that. So all I ask from you is just one chance. 

I came to Bradford for some work and I will visit the village this Saturday. I heard Mr. Wilson has opened a restaurant there. If you don't mind, can we meet there on Saturday at noon? This letter is not enough for me to tell you everything.

I know this is not my place to ask you to do things after what I have done, but can you please grant me this small wish?

I will not come back into your life after this meeting if you don't want me to. But please, just this once, come meet me.

Annie

Johnny folded the letter quickly and hid it with the envelope in his accounts diary when he heard the main door open. Nan walked in, her hands full of two grocery bags.

He got up and took one bag from her.

But nan was still nan.

When she saw Johnny’s surprised expression, she frowned, "why are you looking so pale, lad?"

Johnny recovered immediately, "Nowt."

He kept the grocery bag in the kitchen and then he was back on the table.

He started opening other envelopes, trying to read what was written on those documents.

Nan frowned once again, but she left him alone and went into the kitchen to set up the things she just got.

Johnny sighed. That was a close call.

He didn't take his mother’s letter out again the whole day, instead, he hid it in his desk drawer upstairs when Nan went out to hang the laundry clothes.

The evening went by, nothing else happened, and finally, after he had given the cows their teas and taken a bath, and made sure he wasn't acting suspicious at the dinner table, he went back to his room and took the letter out for the second time.

He made sure his room was locked and then he lay on his bed and carefully reread the letter.

And if he was being completely honest with himself, he was angry.

And losing his mind at the same time. 

And if he could, he would throw his bedside lamp across the room, but nan would get annoyed at him for doing so. 

He took the letter and hid it deep in the drawer of his bedside table. He needs to sleep first.

But sleep never came. He kept tossing and turning the whole night before he started trembling and then crying. 

His heart broke at the fact that he got a letter from his mother who left him when he was just seven years old. His heart broke at the fact that his dad never understood the pain he felt from growing up without a mother. 

He covered his face with the pillow because he had to stifle a loud cry. The loud cry came from a memory of craving a hug from his mother which his nan could never give to him.

His heart ached for the boy who has never known what it was like to receive love from his own family.

With the feeling of tears streaming down his face, he eventually fell asleep.

The next morning was no good either. 

And nor the morning after that.

By the time Friday rolled around, John wanted to bang his head against the wall. 

He mentally started to prepare a list of the pros and cons of not meeting Annie. And no matter how many pros he thought of doing it, there was always this one con that outnumbered all of them.

If he doesn’t go, he is never getting the closure he always wanted.

And so, on Friday night itself, he finally decided to meet her.

Chapter Text

And there's nothin' like a mad woman
What a shame she went mad
No one likes a mad woman
You made her like that

Johnny drove, the silence around him filled by the wind and the loud beating of his heart. 

He had been a bundle of nerves since morning. Almost spilling his tea and getting angry looks from his dad. By lunch, he was practically running around to finish the work before he jumped on his bike.

He didn't tell nan where he was going, he didn't even try to lie to her as she would know it immediately. So he just left without saying anything, hoping he isn't bombarded with questions when he returns home later.

Dad shouldn't know about his mother at any cost and as for nan, she would lose it if she by any chance came to know that woman was in town.

Soon enough, the newly opened restaurant came into his view and he parked his bike. 

It wasn’t big or anything fancy, it was just a tiny building that radiated warmth.

But Johnny wasn’t sure if it would give him that warmth today. 

He meekly walked inside, only to be welcomed by the wooden tables with red-checkered tablecloths.

It was still daylight so not many customers were there, but Johnny did spot one in the corner. 

A lady, looking at the menu.

He gulped. The woman’s back was turned towards him so he couldn’t see her face.

But something was very familiar about her like she would just turn around and say his name in her soothing voice. 

He walked toward her table, each step echoing in his ears, telling him to turn around, to not do this. But each beat of his heart told him that he should go for it. She is here and this is his last chance. 

As he came to a stop at the table, the woman turned her face and looked up at him.

And there it was, the soft hazel eyes that he has seen in his own reflection in the mirror and that kindness which hasn’t faded from her expressions even with old age.

“Johnny?” she asked, her voice soft except for that tinge of maturity in it.

And he went silent. 

Annie stood up, mirroring the expression on her son’s face, which was pure shock and longing.

“Mum..” he spoke finally, remembering where he was, he eyed the empty chair on the opposite side of his mother and sat on it, buying himself time before he has to interact with her.

Annie sat down too, not taking her eyes off of Johnny.    

“So…you just decided to come back…?” His voice died in his throat, realizing maybe this was not a good start. But then nobody had taught him how to meet his mother who has been gone for a long long time.

Still, somehow Annie seemed to take the cue from there and looked kindly at him, “I thought maybe there was still a chance that I could see you again and that I should try.” 

“Why now though?”

She looked away at that as if deciding her answer, but then she closed her eyes and opened them again to look at Johnny, “I don’t have an answer to that. All I can say is that I am sorry.”

He looked down and shook his head, his hands fisted under the table.

“I know I know you probably don’t want to hear my apology, but I had to say it. I can only offer that right—.” 

“Please stop.” Johnny cut her off, maybe a little too harshly but he couldn’t help himself.

Annie did stop though and waited for him, not showing that she was hurt or anything. As if she was ready for him to shout at her. To be angry at her for the 15 years she was gone.

But Johnny didn’t do any of that. He took a deep breath, and then proceeded, “I think I need some time.”

Annie’s eyes widened but then she quickly relaxed as if she sensed she might spook him away, “Okay. Do you want me to leave right now?”

Johnny didn’t need to answer that.

“If that’s what you want.” But before she stood up, she took a paper napkin out of its stand and retrieved a pen from her bag. She then scribbled something on it and then she slipped the paper towards Johnny before collecting her stuff and promptly leaving.

Johnny sat there, now his hands gripping his knees tightly. 

She was leaving and he might never see her again.

He stood up and walked closer to the door, wanting to see his mother for the last time before she leaves. 

And when he spotted her, running towards her car and opening the door of the driver's seat, he saw how she had stopped for a minute as she closed her eyes and then wiped them. 

She quickly sat in the car after that and then she was driving away.

Johnny had this desire to run after the car but he also felt glued to the floor. 

He wanted to ask her so many things and still, he didn’t have anything to say. 

He sighed.

Maybe he will have enough time to think about it by the time her next letter arrives.

But then he remembered something and he quickly walked back towards the table they were sitting at moments ago and his eyes went to the paper napkin on which Annie had scribbled. He picked the paper up and realized that it was a phone number. 

Annie left her number.

Just for him.

He didn’t know if he would have enough courage to ever call her, still, he took the paper napkin and kept it in his jeans pocket. 

That night, he couldn’t sleep again. 

He had almost spilled his soup at the dinner table and dad looked disappointed. 

Well, if only he knew whom John met today.

Johnny turned around, his hand landing on the empty folding bed beside his.

He had put this bed after Gheorghe came back from Scotland, another indication that he was ready to make space for someone else in his life. 

Oh, how wrong he was. 

He will remove the folding bed first thing in the morning.

The next day was uneventful. He had to book the vet for next week and also check on the back paddock. 

When he came back for lunch, he pondered over the conversation he had with Annie the other day. He had been so overwhelmed after seeing her but now that he thinks about it, he wondered what his mother had to say about leaving the farm. What reason she must’ve had? He never heard his dad or even his nan talk about it, all he knew was that both of them didn’t like Annie to the point of not talking about her at all. 

When Gheorghe was staying here, he had the habit of talking about his grandmother, who had passed away a year back. He had said one day how talking about her made him feel lighter and kept her memory alive. 

Johnny shook his head, he didn’t need to think about him today. 

By evening, when nan had gone to the market and dad was asleep, Johnny decided to call Annie. 

He didn’t know why, but he needed to call her. Yesterday the conversation had ended abruptly and maybe he needed to give Annie a chance to explain her side of the story too.

“Hello?” he heard her say from the other side of the phone.

“...Mum?”

“Johnny? Is that really you?” she asked, genuinely surprised.

“Yeah.”

“...I am glad you called.” 

“Are you free next Saturday? Can you come down to that restaurant again?”

“Yes of course!” 

“Okay, see you there at Saturday noon.” he kept the phone just before she could say anything else. 

God, this is completely mad.

Next Saturday came faster than Johnny was comfortable with. But he had to get on with it. The vet came that morning and did the scans and Johnny was relieved a bit about half of the work being completed. By the time he was leaving, nan gave him a confused look.

“Where’re you going?” she wiped the kitchen slab smoothly.

“To buy some farm equipment.” he tried to sound as casual as possible as he wore his shoes. 

“Hmm..” nan continued with her work and Johnny sighed in relief. Either she knew he was lying or she didn’t care. Anyroad, he needed to leave. 

He had made sure he was earlier than his mother so that he could prepare himself more. But he noticed how his hands were shaking by the time Annie entered through the door of the restaurant.

He was actually amazed by the fact how much he looked like his mother, even though he was sure he had inherited his dad’s physique. 

He stood up when she walked towards his table and then they both sat on the opposite sides.

“Hello, Johnny,” she said, trying to be cheerful despite the trembling in her voice.

Johnny nodded, “Do you want something? Coffee?”

“Yes, coffee is fine.”

Johnny went to the counter and got two cups of hot coffee before sitting down.

“Thank you.” Annie took a sip from her cup.

“Why did you leave?” he didn’t want to waste time anymore.

Annie looked surprised but also relieved at the same time, “Because I thought I cannot be a good mother.”

“But I needed you, even if you couldn’t be the mother you wanted to be.”

Annie’s eyes somehow got sadder, “I know Johnny, I think about that all the time. But I know if I had stayed I would’ve become someone you wouldn’t want to call a mother.”

“What do you mean, like?”

Annie stayed silent for some time, looking straight at him, thinking. Then she kept her coffee cup down on the table and leaned forward. 

“I was a hairdresser before I married your dad, you know that?” a nostalgic smile appeared on her face, “I used to work at the local salon in the village and I was earning enough to sustain myself. But then I met your dad and even though he was closed off at first, with time I saw how surprisingly romantic he was. He was always leaving letters for me at the salon and my co-workers used to swoon over his sweet gestures.”

Johnny frowned. His dad? Romantic…?

“I know you don’t see it but that’s the truth.” Annie chuckled a bit, “But romance is not the only thing that makes a marriage. I had decided I will work even after I got married and I did, for a year until we decided to have you.” Annie was still smiling, even proudly this time, before it morphed into a frown.

“But something changed between your dad and me–and it is not your fault Johnny.” she nodded at him as if she knew what her son was thinking at that point, “Just sometimes couples go through all that.”

Johnny nodded back, trying to understand. He had heard Robyn talk about how it is difficult for women after marriage but he never heard of such cases in real life before.

“The first year of our marriage was magical, your dad and I went out every weekend to meet his friends or some time alone to the village for a date. But slowly he stopped doing that, so I started going out with my friends more. Your dad knew my friends well, but he disliked them and even berated me for having those friends.”

And suddenly Johnny remembered how his dad sometimes told him to not go out and just stay on the farm because he can be needed for anything there. So his dad hasn’t changed much over the years, he thought.  

Annie continued, “Soon enough we had you and I took a break from work to take care of you.” she smiled again, “you were the most beautiful and most adorable baby I had ever seen, Johnny, and you were a fast learner. I think after our drift before, Martin and I found a safe common ground again because of you, we loved taking care of you and even playing with you together. Deidre fussed over you a lot and even ran after you all the time because you kept breaking stuff in the living room.” she chuckled.

“But soon, I had decided to join my job back again and Martin was not agreeing with it. We fought every night that week until I finally decided to quit my work.” 

Johnny looked down, ashamed for some reason.

“Then your grandad passed away and Martin changed for the worse. He would drink every night and we would fight a lot. He didn't even let me go out to meet my friends or go back to my parent's house for a few days. I thought it was the alcohol's fault and tried to help him. He did stop drinking after a year but his behavior hardly changed.

"Deidre didn’t do anything to help me, or I think she just couldn’t. But I was still heartbroken that she expected me to handle the whole house even after all that. And one day I have had enough.” she kept her hands on the table, still frowning as if all those memories brought back the frustration she felt at that time. 

“So you left me too? You could’ve just divorced dad or something and not left me behind.” Johnny’s heart sank, he really didn’t know how to handle all this.

Annie looked down and blinked several times, “I know Johnny I made a mistake, but you know if I had divorced your dad my parents would’ve disowned me and I couldn’t even get my job back at that point because it had been almost five years since I quit it, and…and I was falling in love with someone else at that time.” 

When Johnny looked at her, he saw how her cheeks had gone red, but in a shameful way.

“And I thought about that too, that maybe I can introduce you to the new man in my life and Martin and I can come to a settlement, but…I was scared.” her voice went to a whisper, “I was scared that this man too would change after some time as Martin did and that he might end up hurting me more. I didn’t want to drag you into that mess, Johnny. You deserved a normal childhood at the farm like the other kids. You had everything here and I actually thought that if Martin and Deidre couldn't give me the love and support I wanted then at least they could give those things to you instead.”

Johnny leaned back in his chair. It was getting harder to listen to what his mother had to say. 

"You were wrong about all of that. Dad is still the same and nan…she never hugged me the way you used to.”

"I know, I could see it in your eyes the first time I saw you again," her eyes seemed sadder, "You know, one time, when you were just six years old, Martin and I had a big fight. I remember you were hungry and you were asking me again and again for food. And that was the first time I shouted at you, even when it was not your fault. You had cried so much and Deidre took you away to another room. I knew then and there that if I continued that life I would ruin your life too. But now as I see it, I think not only me but all of us have failed you in some way or the other…"

Johnny blinked several times at that. Looking down, he remembered the times his dad was angry with him or when nan wasn't there to give him the emotional support he needed.

He took a deep breath. This was mad. All of this. He practically gulped his coffee and looked right back at his mother, “I…I need some time.”

Annie smiled kindly at him, “Of course. But will I ever see you again?”

Johnny looked down, not knowing the answer, “I will call you after I think about it properly."

That night, as Johnny lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling he thought over his mother’s conversations. Today he heard things that he has never heard about his parents before. It was surreal in a weird way. He also remembered his mother’s talk about how his dad and she were happy when Johnny was born. He has seen pictures of that time and sure enough, both of them looked happy in those blurry pictures. 

Well, his childhood hadn’t been good after his mum left. He laughed at the irony. Annie had thought she was doing John a favor by leaving, but how wrong she was…

But she was also young, and her life was ruined after marrying into this house…

And if Johnny thinks about it, even he wanted to leave this place until someone made him see the beauty and love here. Maybe his mum didn’t have anyone to show her those things at that time. Especially when the one person who should have done it turned against her.

For a minute he imagined what it would be like if his mother never left. Would she and his dad fight every day even at this age? Would she stop showing John affection after a certain time because she would see his dad in him?

Maybe Johnny doesn’t have it in him right now to forgive her, but he did now kind of understood her point of view. Maybe, if they try, they can leave the horrible past behind…

Before he drifted off to sleep, he decided to call his mother again the next day. 

Chapter Text

It wasn’t until the first week passed that Johnny started to believe that Gheorghe just might stay forever with him.

It had been a tough week, first going to Scotland and getting Gheorghe back, then making sure he was actually there and it wasn’t just one of Johnny’s wild dreams. 

Gheorghe was also doing everything in his power to make Johnny believe that he is here to stay and honestly, he doesn’t think he will ever leave again because he loves Johnny more than ever. 

Time went on and the Saxby household settled into a slow rhythm, which was full of farm work, watching the telly, and trying Romanian food. Gheorghe felt as if he was back on his childhood farm, the only difference was that he got to be with the love of his life this time.

Johnny was also happy and content with this new relationship dynamic between him and his family. It was good to finally believe that his dad and his nan cared for him. 

He and Gheorghe made new plans for the farm and dad agreed with them surprisingly. Now he didn’t reprimand Johnny as he used to before.

Everything was still messy but it was better somehow and it was more than what Johnny could’ve asked for. 

Until a month later dad had to be taken for his next check-up.

It wasn't the worst doctor visit Johnny had been to, but he was scared because the doctor looked at the reports with a frown. And then he proceeded to tell both the Saxby men that there is no way Martin is getting better.

Johnny already knew that, of course, he did. Nan had told him before when he was still a total arsehole who refused to take on the responsibility of the farm and dad knew this too.

It was evening by the time they returned from the check-up and both of them were not in the best of moods. 

Since nan was doing laundry, John decided to make tea for his dad himself. He made a mental note to get dad’s medicines the next morning while he let the water boil.

After he got the cup of tea for dad and sat beside him to help him drink it, the older man frowned at him after taking a sip.

“What?” Johnny asked.

“...’tis bland.” 

“I’ll put more tea leaves, then.” Johnny stood up and went into the kitchen. After making sure the tea tasted just like dad wanted, he came out and again took a seat beside his father.

As Martin took another sip, Johnny decided it was time to ask him what he has been meaning to ask since morning, “Dad?”

“...”

“I was thinking if we can sell the north pasture?”

And suddenly Martin looked angrier than before as his frown deepened.

“Dad, listen to me…” Johnny leaned forward, “I know you wanted to leave that land in my name but I think we can get good money if we sell it. We are already falling short on funds.” he stared at his father, hoping he gets what John is saying just like when he told him that he was going to get Gheorghe back home.

But this time Martin was not ready to listen. He shook his head with a serious expression, indicating that he doesn’t want to have this discussion anymore.

Johnny sighed, knowing well enough that this discussion was going to happen again. 

And well, two days later at the dinner table, Johnny decided to ask his dad about the north pasture. He knew it was not the best idea but there was no other way to get the money, especially when the farm needed his attention now more than ever and also dad needed all the help with his treatment. And maybe downsizing will also help if he thinks about it. 

“...So.” Johnny cleared his throat, “...Dad?”

Martin glared at him, knowing very well what his son was going to talk about. 

Deidre rolled her eyes and took her empty plate back into the kitchen, while Gheorghe decided to help her out in clearing the dining table.

“I…said no.” Martin gripped his walking stick tightly.

“But dad…”

Martin sighed, now really not in the mood to talk. At that second Gheorghe came out of the kitchen.

Johnny shrugged at him, and Gheorghe smiled lightly as if saying, ‘it's okay, at least you tried.’

He stood by and waited for Johnny to come with him upstairs when Martin pointed at him with his shaking hand, “Sit.”

Gheorghe and Johnny exchanged looks but the former did take a seat on Martin's instructions.

“Was it…your idea?” Martin asked, looking directly at Gheorghe.

It took a second for him to understand what the older man was asking about but then he realized, “Yes.”

“...Why?”

“Because it's good land. It will provide good money.” Gheorghe recited the same thing which he had to Johnny a week before.

Martin frowned again as he looked away from the boys and Johnny understood that they aren’t getting an answer until the next morning.

Fair enough. 

Gheorghe reassured him the whole night and even in the morning. By the time noon rolled around, the boys found themselves standing in front of Martin as the older man looked out the window and the boys tensed more.

Gheorghe held Johnny’s hand as they waited for Martin’s decision. 

The older man looked up at the both of them and then directly at Gheorghe, “You…were right.”

And Johnny’s eyes widened, “We can sell it?”

Martin nodded and Gheorghe smiled.

Their plan worked. 

It was a good plan. And the money they will get will help a lot with Martin’s medical bills.

.

.

.

…Still, Johnny didn’t feel quite happy. 

He didn’t know why though. Even though they were working to make the farm better. 

He shrugged that feeling off as they went to the farm for the day. 

The first thing that happened that week after Johnny’s meeting with Annie was that Robyn descended on the farm. Johnny had told her about his mother on the phone when no one was listening and they decided that it was a vast topic that cannot be covered in a virtual meeting.

“So you are telling me you met your mother after so many years and she is suddenly sharing things with you that no one has ever told you?” Robyn chewed on one of the cookies which Johnny had kept for her as per Deidre’s instructions.

Johnny nervously looked at the closed door of his room. Both the friends had decided to go upstairs since Deidre was watching the telly with Martin downstairs. And it was a bad idea to talk about Annie in front of them.

“Yeah, it’s odd.”

“Saxby, your life literally went from 1 to 100 since Gheorghe left.”

And honestly, Johnny couldn’t deny that. It was the truth. 

“But it's strange. Now that she tells me certain things, I do kind of remember all that happening in front of me.” Johnny sipped on his tea, already feeling tired, “Especially the fights.”

Robyn’s eyes furrowed, “Those fights are the worse.”

“Yeah,” Johnny nodded. One of the reasons why he trusted Robyn with this information was because she had an idea of what it's like having parents who don’t like each other.

“I still don’t like the fact that mum decided to leave but I think I get it a bit,” he remembered those days when he used to just feel that emptiness boring a hole in his chest and he would just lie on his bed for hours, staring at the ceiling above. Maybe this is how his mum had felt too all those years ago.

Robyn didn’t say anything to that, instead, the two friends sat in silence for a while untill she got a call on her phone.

The network was better down here now since they installed another poll outside of the farm. Robyn giggled a bit as she talked on the phone and Johnny sipped on his tea, but after she disconnected the call she smiled enthusiastically at his friend.

“Johnny, one of my friends runs a cat rescue shelter, and she has some kittens, do you wanna adopt one?”

John looked at her like she just asked him for his kidney.

“Oh come on mate, I think you would have a good time if you keep a pet,” she smirked, taking a sip of her own tea.

Johnny sighed, “Whatever.” hoping this conversation ends right here.

But Robyn was just like him, stubborn. She had stayed the night and kept asking Johnny about it until the next morning. Well, it wasn’t like Johnny didn’t like animals. If he actually didn’t like them he would have run away from the farm way before. But he had a soft spot for his cows and the ewes. And he also kind of liked talking to the unborn calves; touching the pregnant cow’s stomach, and imagining the calf talking back to him.

But keeping an actual pet? He wasn’t sure about it. 

All his uncertainty vanished when Robyn dragged him to the rescue center that evening. And god he almost lost it when he saw the kittens. 

One of the litter was white with a hint of brown fur on their backs and ears. Even their eyes were outlined by the brown.

Amy, Robyn’s friend, was by his side instantly, “Ah, we rescued them from a breeder when they were just a month old. Now they will be crossing 12 weeks and ready for adoption.” Amy had a chirpy way about her, as she recited the information in one go.

Johnny looked back at the kittens and sure enough one of them caught his eyes. The one who was looking right back at him. 

"Hmm" Johnny reached out to that kitten, slowly stroking the kitten's head with his index finger and that small ball closed their eyes and purred as if they enjoyed it very much. 

Johnny smiled a little at that. He stroked the kitten some more, especially on their stomach. The kitten reached out with their little paws, trying to hold Johnny’s fingers. Robyn was smiling widely beside him, looking between the kitten and her friend constantly.

"Ooh, I think he likes you!" 

John almost jumped out of his skin and then he sighed when he saw Amy at his side. He instinctively pulled his hand back and the kitten looked at him, seeming confused. Robyn shook her head at him

"This is Milo, and he likes people. Maybe he even likes you now." Amy picked Milo up and gestured for John to hold him.

Johnny stood still for a second and met Robyn’s gaze. And god this woman was smirking, “Yes Johnny boy, go ahead.”

But then he did take Milo in his arms because he wanted to get it done with.

And god, that kitten was so little. He was only a little bit taller than Johnny’s hand and he purred, even more, when John brought him near his face. Robyn let out a squeal and stroked Milo with her fingers.

“Johnny you ought to adopt him or I will make your life hell.” 

Well, it has been lonely at the farm lately. His family pretty much went back to how they were before Gheorghe arrived in their lives. Maybe this cat will bring about some change even if not what Gheorghe had done. And secondly, this was a non-profit cat shelter so money wasn’t the problem.

"Okay, I will take him." He announced. Both Robyn and Amy seemed absolutely delighted.

“But Saxby, Milo might get lonely,” Robyn smirked again, and Johnny sighed.

She was right though and as if on cue his eyes went to another litter and those kittens were equally adorable. The only difference was that they had black fur with a hint of white on their legs and chin. Needless to say, he got one of those too. And that kitten's name was Gilbert.

“Congratulation Johnny, it’s two baby boys!” Robyn joked when her friend picked both the kittens up in his arms. 

“Fuck off.” but it was evident that he was happy. He somehow felt a sense of pride when he kept the kittens in his jeep and drove back to the farm. Both of them squealed a lot and Johnny laughed when Milo let out a loud meow that sounded like those puffy chicken toys. 

But John started questioning his choices when he finally reached home. It was easy to adopt those kittens for himself but he forgot he has a nan and a dad who might hate these fur balls. 

When he picked up the cat transport box, Gilbert looked at the house curiously and Johnny almost wanted to talk to him but he remembered Robyn was just behind him.

Both the friends walked into the house and as Johnny’s luck went, nan was sitting at the table with a newspaper in her hand. She looked up, her glasses resting on her nose. 

“What are you two up to?” she asked and Johnny felt Robyn tense beside him.

Then nan’s eyes went to Johnny’s hand, “and what is that?”

John breathed in. This was worse than what he had in mind. 

He took a step forward and lifted the box up. Sure enough, the kittens were squeaking and meowing again. 

Nan's eyes widened comically and Johnny thought he was doomed. 

But then, “As long as they don’t create a mess in the kitchen and the living room.” she sighed.

Johnny smiled, like a real smile. He turned the box around so the kittens were facing him and then he took them upstairs, followed by Robyn.

“That was close,” she said and when Johnny let the kittens out of their box she held them in her arms.

“Yeah but dad is still left.” 

“Oh shit.” she giggled, “It’s okay, if nan said yes then the kittens have every right to stay here.”

“I hope.”

Both of them played with the kittens for some more time untill Milo and Gilbert fell asleep.

Johnny made a mental note to check what else can he do for the kittens. Like, do they need a bed of their own? Or maybe those shelves where they can climb.

“Johnny, tell me one thing.” Robyn pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Hm?” 

“How…what exactly happened between you and Gheorghe?”

And well, it was one topic he hasn’t fully discussed with her. Sure she knew the beginning and the ending of their relationship, but she didn’t know the middle. The main part, which, led to the dreadful end.

“He was too good for me,” he said casually.

“What do you mean?”

“I was just not ready for a relationship.”

Robyn made a face, “Saxby, that’s very vague.”

“I don’t know how to explain.”

She sighed, “Another time then.”

Johnny wondered if he will ever be ready to tell Robyn the full story.

“Also, I was thinking…” he ran his hands through Gilbert’s fur.

“What?”

“I…need to find a therapist.” he worried his lips as he said it, not trying to meet his friend’s gaze.

“Are you serious?” 

“Yeah, I had thought about it the day Gheorghe left, but now I really want to.” he looked back at her now, hoping she understands.

Robyn shook her head and it almost worried Johnny but then she said, “How can I help?” 

Johnny sighed, “Well for starters I need a way where I can get it for cheap.” 

“Right. Well, I can help with that. I have some mates who got it from some community organizations.” and Robyn straight went to her phone, typing away with a purpose.

“Hmm. I’ll try that.” Johnny nodded.

That night, after Robyn left and Johnny was done with the farm work for the day, he found dad at the dining table, glaring up at him. Johnny shrugged and took off his overalls and his farm boots. And when he turned around, dad was still looking at him with the same expression.

“...You did the beasts?” he asked, his grip tightening on his walking stick.

Johnny nodded.

“The fence at the paddock?”

Oh, shit, Johnny forgot about that, “I’ll fix it in an hour.”

Dad glared some more but thankfully he didn’t say anything.

Johnny looked down for a minute, thinking of getting that beer can from the fridge. And at that precise moment, he noticed his newly adopted kittens walking toward him.

Shit, this is not the right time you little bastards! 

God, dad hated pets so much.

And just like that, the older man noticed those kittens at Johnny’s feet and, “...What is that?”

“Milo and Gilbert…”

“You…got them?”

Johnny nodded as if he was caught stealing cookies.

“Why…you…” Dad looked around, getting angrier as the seconds passed, “What is…that mess.”

“They are just cats!” And I want to keep him because this farm feels lonelier than before, Johnny thought desperately. 

He could see Dad was about to say something harsher when:

“Stop it you two.” nan appeared out of the kitchen, “and you, let the lad be,” she said, looking directly at Martin.

Martin stared at his mother with wide eyes, wanting to retaliate but Deidre went back to her business. Well, now he couldn’t do anything.

Johnny quickly picked up his cats and ran upstairs directly to his room. And after closing the door behind him he held those kittens up in front of his face and smiled, “that was a close call, huh?” 

The whole night he kept thinking about how Nan took his side for once, and at the dinner table, it was decided that Milo and Gilbert were to stay upstairs strictly because Gilbert had licked the plain yogurt nan kept out on the kitchen counter.

And that was it. Johnny finally had some new companions.

The second thing that happened that same week was that Johnny’s ex-classmates from School had kept a small get-together at the local pub. And Johnny was surprised how many of them had returned from uni only to inherit their family’s farm. 

There was this one lad, Joe, who had gone to the uni with a scholarship and everyone had thought that he would never come back. But here he was leaning against the bar counter with a beer mug in his hand. Johnny had noticed him, but then he didn’t have the energy to talk to him. He anyways didn’t like those uni kids. So he went out for a smoke instead. Maybe coming here was not a good idea, he should have not listened to Robyn and just stayed back home and he should’ve—

“Oh hey, Saxby!” 

Johnny moved his head to his right and saw Joe making his way toward him.

The young farmer smiled a little, “Alright?”

“Yeah, just getting on with it. What about you?” Joe smiled back, his dimple showing. 

“Same here,” Johnny murmured before shrugging.

Joe took out a cigarette of his own but he couldn’t find his lighter, “You have one?”

Johnny handed him his burning cigarette instead and Joe lit his own with it before handing it back to Johnny, “So, haven’t seen you in a long while, it was like you disappeared.”

Johnny shrugged again, “You went to uni.”

“Yeah, but I used to come back on vacation.” 

Johnny didn’t have an answer to that. 

The other man let out a cloud of smoke, “Why don’t you come down to my place tomorrow or whenever you are free, let’s have a beer maybe.”

Johnny wanted to make a remark but then he heard the sincerity in Joe’s voice so he left it be, “Okay.”

“Oh, so you two are here.” both the men looked up and found Robyn walking towards them.

“Oh look, it's Robyn Smith, huh?” Joe smirked, taking another drag of his cigarette.

“Yup!” Robyn wiggled her eyebrows at him, “I didn’t know you were back.”

Joe shrugged, ”Where will I go?”

“I mean you had a world of options.” Robyn took the cigarette which Johnny had offered to her.

“Yeah but it's…I don’t know, it’s too much.”

“Hmm, I get it.” she nodded sincerely, her cigarette dancing between her fingers.

“Okay then, I’ll take my leave.” Joe waved at both the friends, but Johnny noticed how there was some sort of glint in the other man’s eyes.

When he left, Johnny look at Robyn and found her looking back at him.

“Don’t look at me like that, I don’t know what happened to that lad.” shrugging, Robyn stared at her cigarette.

Johnny looked inside the window of the pub to find Joe sitting at the bar again, but this time he was staring right back at John. 

Chapter Text

Coming to the reunion party wasn’t exactly the best decision Johnny had ever made, but it was better than what he did in the past few months. Staying at home even after he was done with his work was the last thing he could do right now. Every corner in his house screamed of Gheorghe and John didn’t need to remember him.

So he had to come to this damn party with a grain of salt and decided to be with Robyn for the entirety of the night. 

Robyn took the burnt butt of her cigarette and crushed it under her shoe. It had been almost 30 minutes since they came out here and Johnny still wasn’t prepared to meet his old schoolmates. 

He was the one to burn all the bridges, and no matter what, it would always be awkward to rebuild those. 

Johnny wanted to smoke another cigarette, but he knew Robyn wanted to meet her friends. As if on cue, Joe returned from the pub and rejoined the group. He also had a glass in his hand with some drink. 

“So we meet again!” he said cheerfully, trying to dissipate the awkwardness. 

Robyn had enough courtesy to smile at him and then she saw the expression on Johnny’s face.

Soon enough, her smile widened like that of a Cheshire cat, before winking at John.

“Mmm, I think I am going to sit inside, it’s a bit chilly out here,” she said and before Johnny could object, she was inside the pub and meeting one of their schoolmates.

Well, now he was alone with Joe. Both the men stood awkwardly for a few minutes before Joe asked for a cigarette from the farmer.

“Wait a second.” Johnny pulled out a box from his back pocket and let Joe take one out of it. 

If it was the Johnny from a few months ago, he would’ve rudely told something to Joe and then fucked off from here. But he wasn’t that version anymore. So he stood in his place, trying not to worry about the silence. 

Inside the pub, Robyn stood at the bar counter, waiting for her drink. Thankfully she had found one of her old classmates inside, so she wasn’t alone. 

“Oh, so you found a new lad for Saxby?” Matt asked as he sat on a bar stool beside her. Both of them looked out the window where they could see the two men trying to converse.

She smiled again, “Of course.”

“Don’t you think, something was going on between him and Joe back in school?” Matt frowned, as his hair fell over his eyes. He desperately needed a haircut.

“Yeah, I think so. But Johnny never told me anything about it. He never does.” A sad look passed her face for a second.

The bartender got her drink and slid the glass toward her. She took a step forward to hold it, and then suddenly, the floor shifted beneath her feet and she thought she was about to fall. She quickly held onto the edge of the counter tightly. The feeling was gone as soon as it came and she was perfectly fine again.

“Woah, Robyn, you alright?” Matt looked at her, concerned.

She shrugged, “Of course.” she took the drink anyways and slowly sipped it.

Outside, Johnny waited for Joe to say anything, or otherwise, he would die right here. The silence was uncomfortable like it tends to get around him. It muffled his brain and for a second he forgot how to speak.

Thankfully Joe took the responsibility, “So, I know this is quite awkward, but I think we should talk.”, his voice wasn’t as grave as the sentence he just spoke, instead, it sounded like he was asking for another drink.

Still, John felt his heart skip a beat. It was like he was getting to see his past on a big screen and it was torture, to see himself fuck things up all over again.

It has been three years since that incident. And he still makes the same mistakes and never learns. But maybe, just maybe he can…make amends?

He took a deep breath and held himself back, to let Joe take the lead for now. To see where this is going.

“I always thought about that night, Johnny. For the past three years. It wouldn’t escape my mind.” Joe said, looking down for a second.

Oh!

So maybe this is what it was, Johnny thought. Closure.

“I know this sounds odd, but…” Joe trailed off as if giving Johnny some time to think.

Saxby thought about all the men he had left hanging in the past. That lad he had shagged at the auction. Or the men who came before him. It wasn’t like his family ever put restrictions on him when it came to his dating life. They just didn’t want him to make the mistakes they made. He thought about Gheorghe’s face when he went all the way to Scotland to get him back. He knew then and there that he will be cruel to not give Joe the closure he so deserves.

“I am sorry,” he said and Joe looked back at him with his eyes widened.

“What?”

Johnny shook his head, “I know I should’ve called that night. It was a mess.” Johnny stumbled through his thoughts and concluded that this is the only thing he can say right now.

Joe looked at him in shock for a whole minute more, before his expression morphed into a slight smile, “Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?” 

If anything, I thought you would punch me in the face, Johnny thought.

“Nothing, I just thought I am never getting answers from people ever again. But you surprised me.” shrugging, Joe replied.

And Johnny would take it over nothing.

The weather was quite cold. Maybe it was just the wind, maybe it was about to rain. 

“We should go inside, I think,” Joe suggested as if thinking the same thing.

Johnny nodded and both the men made their way through the entrance of the pub.

“Oh, hi!” the guy, Johnny recognized as Matt, greeted them.

Joe waved at him with a smile while Johnny just nodded. But soon enough he noticed that Robyn was missing from the bar counter. Even a glass half full of a drink was left alone there. 

He looked around the pub scanning the room, looking for the person who would get him through such situations.

“Where’s Robyn?” he asked finally when he couldn’t find her anywhere.

“She just went to the loo,” Matt said, distracted. John frowned and followed Matt’s line of vision only to see another lad on the other side of the counter. Johnny realized that the other lad was looking back at Matt, a little too suggestively.

John shook his head and decided to mind his own business. Joe had already got a drink for himself, a peculiar-looking cocktail. Johnny was fine with a pint. 

“So, are you done with your college?” he asked, without any prior thinking.

“Yeah,” Joe nodded, “Now I am back, helping dad in his work sometimes.”

John nodded, just because he didn’t have anything better to do or say to that. He doesn’t relate to the uni kids the way he would like to and so he stayed quiet.

Thankfully Joe seemed fine with it as he too sat in silence for a few minutes and then, “Hey mate,” he leaned towards John and lowered his voice, “I think Matt is gonna take that lad home tonight.”

John frowned for a second as he looked back at Matt. Now he was talking to the guy he had been eyeing first and it seemed both of them were flirting with the way they smirked at each other. 

Johnny smiled, “Na, I think they are shagging here in the loo.”

Joe’s eyes sparkled, “Oh you wanna bet?” 

John shrugged before nodding.

“Okay, your next drink is on me if they do it here and if not then you’ll let me work at your farm for the next week.”

Johnny frowned, “what?”

“It’s only fair.” Joe shrugged and before Johnny could object Matt took his date’s hand and pulled him out of the pub with a smile plastered on his face.

John’s mouth fell open.

Joe chuckled, “see I told you Matty’s gonna have a good time at his home.”

“But…wait it’s not fair. Why was my prize smaller than yours?” Johnny kept his pint back on the counter a little too loudly.

Joe didn’t answer, just smiled slyly, “Come on, I mean I am free and in desperate need of a job.”

Johnny rolled his eyes. Joe very well could get a job in the city, if you see his academic qualifications, but he wanted to work at the farm as if it was a summer camp and not actual labor work.

But on second thought Johnny figured extra help won’t hurt at the farm. Because dad was getting worse day by day and his nan can’t be the only one taking care of him anymore.

Also, Nan might or might not have suggested getting another help after Gheorghe left.

“Okay,” John said finally.

And Joe’s smile widened. 

They looked at each other for a few more minutes and Johnny couldn’t help but gaze at Joe’s lips for a second. He knew he should stop, he knew that Joe was very different from him and that this wasn’t worth it. But god Joe’s eyes and his smirk.

John wanted to slap that smile off of Joe’s face but also wanted to see how it felt to kiss that dimple.

Damn.

John was pretty sure he hasn’t felt his heart beat this crazy in months, but at the same time he felt calm as if he is back in the green fields and the sun is still setting.

“Johnny?”

He looked to his side as soon as he was pulled out of his thoughts. And there she was, Robyn, standing near the loo, with a frown on her face. 

Joe raised his eyebrows when he saw her, but Robyn didn’t care. She walked cautiously toward her friend and sighed loudly.

“What?”John asked. His friend can be fussy at times.

Robyn’s frown deepened and she huffed again before making her way to the door, “I am going home.”

Johnny stared at her for a second before getting up and following her, “What? Why?”

“Periods, Saxby. Been feeling sick since I came here and now I can’t bare the pain anymore.” She said, still walking. 

Johnny thought about commenting on it but decided against it at the last second, knowing it was probably wrong to blame Robyn’s mood on this thing, and secondly, he didn’t want to anger her further and get punched in the face for it.

When they were outside, he decided on something else, “Should I drop you home? Do you need to buy one of those…maxi pads or whatever they are called.”

Robyn made a face.

“You know what they are called Saxby. Sanitary pads! And honestly, I don’t want to go back to my place right now. Can I crash at yours for tonight?” she asked, hoping Johnny would say yes.

He shrugged, “Yeah, whatever suits you.” he then gestured for Robyn to wait and went back inside the pub. Joe was sitting at his place and John decided to greet him goodbye.

“Oh, are you heading back?” Joe looked up at him.

“Yeah, Rob’s feeling under the weather.”

“Ah, well it was good to see ya, Johnny Saxby. And I will be at your place first thing on Monday.”

Johnny smiled, remembering their bet, “Sure thing.” 

When he started driving, for a minute he couldn’t hide the quirk of his lips.

“What is it?” Robyn asked, from her place on the passenger seat.

“Nowt.” John was quick in bringing his lips back down.

“Na I saw that smile, Johnny. So, did anything happen between you and Joe?” now it was her turn to smirk.

“Fuck off.” 

Robyn had made him stop at a chemist shop and after she got her stuff both the friends stayed up till late, and it mostly consisted of Robyn telling him about some new movies. Johnny got his kittens in the living room after a while and those furballs were running and fighting each other.

When Robyn was done ranting about a show she saw recently, she decided to take the opportunity and crowded John with one of her knowing looks.

“What?” he asked, as he tried to get Milo down from the cabinet before he broke one of those photo frames.

“I’ve done enough talking, now it's your turn to explain.”

“Explain what?”

“About you and Joe.”

Johnny sighed. He wanted to tell Robyn to piss off once again but then he had a second thought about it. When he was sure the cats would stay on the floor, he sat back down on the chair and looked at his friend.

“You have an idea about it?”

Robyn nodded.

John gulped, thinking maybe he shouldn’t do it. But then he hadn’t talked about that summer with anyone, not even with Gheorghe.

“Joe and I kissed the night my dad got hospitalized.” he blurted out, as he looked down.

Silence enveloped them and he thought that Robyn would laugh or something, but:

“What?” she asked, genuinely shocked.

“You heard me.” Johnny gathered enough courage to look up at his friend.

Robyn sat there, dumbstruck for a few minutes before sitting up straighter, “And nothing happened after that?”

“Nah, dad had a stroke, Joe went to college and I didn’t have it in me to contact him.”

“Shit,” Robyn said.

“Yeah.”

“So you are meeting Joe after three years?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s some fucked up romantic shit.”

“...yeah?” Johnny scrunched his face.

“I am sorry mate, that it happened.” Robyn lowered her voice, hoping her seriousness showed.

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. And I am glad you finally told me that.” 

John raised his eyebrows, totally not expecting that from his friend. 

They talked for some time more, which mostly consisted of Robyn speaking and Johnny listening until it was time to sleep.

Soon enough it was Sunday morning and Robyn left. John got on with his work. Nan had to go to the village to meet some of her friends so he took the responsibility to handle the house and helping his dad without any complaints. 

At one point when Dad was in the living room, trying to read a paper by the window, Milo jumped on his lap and snuggled in his blanket. 

Martin sighed. He was about to push the kitten away but stopped his hands when his gaze went to Johnny, who was leaning against the living room door, smiling slightly at the scene. 

“This is the first time he has done that with anyone,” he said, fondly looking at his cat.

Martin acted dismissive but glanced at his son’s content face again.

By dinner time, Johnny practically couldn’t contain his excitement. It was like he was seven years old again and Christmas was around the corner.

But he was 22 and it was still August so he shouldn’t be this excited. 

A picture of those green eyes and that knowing smile crossed his mind. 

For a second he wondered if Joe meant it, about working at his farm. But John was quick in mitigating that thought from his mind, he would get his answer the next day anyways.

Finally, when it was time to sleep, the exhaustion from the day’s work took over him and he curled in his bed. He felt something beside him followed by that thing rubbing itself against his stomach.

It was probably Gilbert, he was a snuggly little bastard. When he purred, John brought his hand around the furball and pulled him closer.

For the first time since Gheorghe left, John was looking forward to waking up early in the morning.

As soon as the alarm went off, Johnny could feel some pounding on his chest. He slowly opened his eyes and his room was still dark. He reluctantly switched on his bedside lamp and turned off his alarm. That is when he realized that it was his cats trying to jump on his chest.

Maybe they were hungry. Johnny got up, stretching and making his way to the bathroom. When he came back out, to no one’s surprise, Milo and Gilbert were waiting for him and it seemed they would scratch him if he didn’t give them the food.

He picked them up and made his way downstairs with them.

Deidre, as always the first one to get up, stood in the kitchen, making some tea for herself. She heard the footsteps and when she peeked out of the kitchen, her grandson stood outside holding his cats. And for the first time in months, there was a different glow to him. 

One of the kittens meowed softly and Johnny kept him on the dining table, before scratching his head. 

And even though Deidre felt like smiling, she controlled her expressions and showed her affection in the only way she knew, “None of this mess on my table!” she said, annoyed, and gestured towards the cat with a cleaning cloth.

“Nan, have you seen him, what will he do?” Johnny frowned, but he knew his nan was being playful. And anyways Milo was so small, it’s not like he can claw the wood out of the table.

Nan sighed, knowing well it was a losing game, “help yourself with breakfast.”

“Whatever.” John finally let out a smile. He let Gilbert stay in his arm as he served the cats their food. Gilbert jumped down soon enough and now it was Johnny’s duty to see that they ate properly.

After that, Johnny quickly made tea for himself, with some butter and toast. He was out before the sun fully came up and the second he reached the barn, he spotted someone entering his house’s driveway. 

That someone got off of their bike and made their way directly towards the barn. As they got closer, Johnny recognized who it was. 

Joe.

He showed up, despite Johnny thinking he wouldn’t.

“Hey, Saxby,” Joe said once he was close enough to the farmer. His smirk was back and his eyes shined as the sun came up. Like light falling on the greens of hills.

Johnny pushed through his nervousness and nodded at Joe.

“Let’s get to work,” the man said, as a matter of factly, but still fucking smirking. He was inside the barn quickly and it seemed he came prepared, with his own overall.

Johnny gulped. This day was about to get crazy.