Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Context/Notes before the story starts:

• Dilwale doesn't really play that active of a role. 

• Student of the Year is currently happening when the story starts. Rohan/Veer and Raj are cousins not active brothers, but were very close when growing up because of Rohan's dad being an asshole (as evidenced in the film).

• If you've watched Dilwale: Rohan/Veer brought Meera and Raj into talking terms, not together, because he just wanted his brother to be happy. 

The Cast just in case some of you haven't seen/remember Dilwale:

• Rohan Veer Nanda - Varun Dhawan

• Abhimanyu Singh - Sidharth Malhotra

Shanaya Singhania - Alia Bhatt

• Raj "Kaali" Bakshi - Shahrukh Khan

• Meera Dev Malik - Kajol

• Rakul Acharya (OC) - Randeep Hooda

Chapter Text

Rohan didn’t look back once when he left his house with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. Adorned in a cap and a jacket, so no one would see the damage his father had done to him. Yes, coming back home visibly looking like he’d been in a scuffle wasn’t the greatest idea. How could he have ruined the great reputation of his business tycoon father? As if he didn’t do that almost every day with something or the other. He was used to the way his family worked but after what went down at the college, there had been other things on his mind. Which was a mistake, because now he stood here after his impulse decision to leave, trying to find a bus stop and take it to where his cousin Raj lived. He had always been closer to Raj than his actual brother anyway. 

But… Raj and even his surrounding friends- who were like family to Rohan due to him spending every summer and break with them (and some weekends when things got bad)- had gone out.

His only other option was to go back to the weekday dorms of the college. 

But he couldn’t. Not with his obviously busted up face and the news of what had happened probably spreading like wildfire. 

“Veer Nanda?”

He swirled, bag thumping painfully against his side. A tall man stood in front of him, maybe a few years older but not old by any means. He squinted. “Hey, hey. You’re Rahesh’s brother, right? Rakul?” Family friends, he and Rahesh (though this man was six years older) had been pretty close when he was younger. Hadn’t spoken to the family since 10th or 11th grade now though. “Shit man, how’ve you been? How’s Rahesh?”

Rakul’s sharp features tightened momentarily, he pursed his lips and smiled. “I’m fine, man, just graduated and got a pretty cozy job I started.” He eyed the duffel. “And you?”

“Would you believe me if I said ‘fine’ too?”

The other gestured to Rohan’s face, shaking his head warmly. “My house is just a bit from here, do you wanna get cleaned up before you embark on your next adventure?” Rohan was so close to saying no, he should’ve, he was just going to go from being a burden to one person to the other. But amongst all that had happened, a familiar, friendly face made him feel less weary and more simply tired. “We’ll catch up there.”

It was after maybe five minutes that Rohan skidded to a stop. “Wait… Your family. I don’t- I don’t want them to see me like this.”

There was that look, empathy or sympathy, one of them. “I live alone, Veer.”

“I go by Rohan now actually,” he said, immediately relaxing. “I don’t know why, dad chose the name so in public that’s what I have to go by. Probably for the best, less confusion, right?”  Rakul had a strong but quiet presence, even when they were younger, he always seemed to be in the shadow of his older brother. Maybe that’s why Rohan had regrettably not been that close with him, grabbing for those easy pass-time friends instead of what could last. “What’s it like? Having your own place? I wish I had, but my only option right now is dorms.”

“It’s lonely.” Rakul replied softly, reaching out to steady the other when he tripped. “Are you running from home, Rohan?”

He grimaced, the name didn’t sound quite as right now. 

“Wow, you don’t beat around the bush, huh? Is it that obvious?” 

Rakul nodded, again with a small smile. He sighed, ready to brush it off with an excuse but when he tried to relay that message, nothing came out of his open mouth. Even his mind wasn’t meant to lie. Especially not to someone who’d known him since elementary school. “I don’t remember if I told you guys, but my family and I have a bit of a tough relationship. Final straw and I left without thinking.”

“You didn’t have to tell us, I remember it,” Rakul mused. “You’d show up all weird and I’d ask Rahesh what was going on.” 

Rohan turned red. “So it was that obvious.” He felt someone pat his shoulder. 

“Sorry I didn’t help you.”

“I’m not some damsel, I didn’t need help,” his shoulders slumped, heavy with the memories of the past. “You still haven’t told me anything about Rahesh, he must be full on family man or something now, no? Marriage coming up?” Though his tone was light, Rakul’s face pinched, thick eyebrows drooping. 

“Rahesh isn’t in touch with the Acharya family anymore.” 

Rohan whipped around to face the other. 

“We’re here.”

The place was obviously a fancy building, lobby adorned with yellow lighting and mirrors. They took the elevator to the tenth floor and entered a spacious four-roomed apartment. Rakul was silent, but imposing in a way that Rohan didn’t want to inquire further.

What had happened?

Rahesh was a bit immature, but he’d been a fine man overall. Always lighthearted, ready to befriend anyone, never like the other pretentious, spoilt rich brats. Rohan had thought he wasn’t taking advantage of what all he had back then, but now he wanted to be like that. Apparently, it wasn’t a good thing though. “Wait here,” Rakul sat him down on one of the high seats of an onyx dining table. “I’ll bring some stuff for your… Face.”

Despite the shock, Rohan laughed, prompting a smile out of the taller man too. He had stayed stiff and expressionless after the mention of Rahesh. 

“You can speak, you know,” he sighed when he came back with an armful of antiseptics, bandaids and salves. 

Rohan bit his lip. “I just… I kind of used to look up to him.” Rakul snorted. “That was obvious too? Ugh, I think I’m just bad at hiding anything.” The older nodded his agreement, pouring dettol on two cotton pads. He handed one to Rohan and kept the other to himself. They dabbed at the small cuts on his face and hands, few on his arms too. Rakul frowned when Rohan did it ‘too aggressively’ (no way that was a thing, it was literally antiseptic) and banned him from treating himself further. “No, but really. You guys were close too, right?”

“Are you and your brother close?”

Ouch, that stung. 

His brother, who had watched every time his father got physical. Who had joined in on all the insults and patronization. Who hadn’t even batted an eye when Rohan left, not so much as a text so far and he definitely knew he’d left. How could his parents hide the fact that their beloved first son would 100% get all the attention now?

“Yeah,” Rakul confirmed. Placing small bandaids on Rohan’s skin, he continued. “Rahesh got mixed up in bad stuff, he would’ve brought us all down with him.” He didn’t elaborate. 

Rohan gulped. This was not something he could process right now. “Well, it’s only fair you know my situation too then, na? I walked in on my girlfriend and my best friend kissing.”

He closed his eyes, less chance of tears escaping. “Look, I get it. I didn’t kiss anyone but I was definitely the flirty type. I wasn’t a good boyfriend. But now, I was really, really trying… Still, I can’t blame her. It doesn’t change the hurt, though.” Rohan said, unable to stop talking. “The fact that it was Abhi? He was my best friend… And maybe, I could tell there was something going on between them but he kept saying no! And I…It hurt. That it was him.”

He could still remember it clearly. Standing there, mouth gaping, seeing Shanaya and Abhi share a kiss. It didn’t matter if that was the only time. He stomped off when they noticed him and started reaching out. No, no, no, he didn’t want those hands touching him. Then, the fight. The words he and Abhi had spat at each other, the punches they’d thrown, Shanaya’s frustrated cry to get them to stop. Her final shout, that neither of them could fight over her like she was a trophy. In the end, that's where it snapped, seething but motionless. Then all three went their separate ways. Rohan swallowed. “I know it was my fault, but it still hurts, Rakul.” 

The man in question didn’t say anything, just patted his back and listened. He leaned into the touch instinctively. His need for physical affection hadn’t decreased despite the years of negative connotations. 

“Sorry for making you listen to my sob story,” he forced a grin on his face, to lighten the tension that pulled at his lungs. “And also sorry for what I’m about to ask for next. Do you have makeup? I don’t want to pull up to the dorms like this. I already never go there, and it’ll look all that obvious now.” Whispers and rumors and fake pity, all to hide the fact that they were secretly judging how Rohan Nanda had managed to disappoint his worldly father so badly that he got kicked out. Not even considering that he would have left on his own accord. 

Rakul took his hand in his own, placing a small tube there. “Stay here,” he said, pointing to the writing on the salve which said it was pain relief for particularly bad bruises. “For the night, at least. I have three empty rooms. You can figure it out tomorrow.”

Shaking his head, he couldn’t pull his own arm away. “I can’t. You’ve already helped me so much, and the only people I take shit from freely are my family.”

“It would make me feel better.” 

He laughed. “You don’t have to lie, yaar.”

“One of the rooms is already set up. I keep it for people visiting.” Rakul snatched Rohan’s bag, ignoring the other’s protests and gestured for him to follow. Honestly, Rohan was too tired to fight against it now. The room he got was pretty bare, decorated in shades of brown. The bed was tall and so, so inviting. Just before he was going to crash, he grabbed Rakul’s wrist. “Thanks, man. Really. We should’ve kept in touch.”

He’s so exhausted, he’s asleep before his head hits the pillow, not seeing or hearing any response. 

***

Having no idea how it happened, Rakul roped Rohan into staying with him for a while. Until he found a better place than the dorm, which would never happen because Rohan is too scared to live alone, or until his cousin Raj returned, the more likely option. Raj, however, was uncontactable. During certain vacations or whatever, he got like this, absolutely unreachable, then tired when he returned. Rohan hoped a day would come in which he’d get to join these energetic escapades. 

Until then, he was all focused on the Student of the Year trophy. 

The drama continued. Shanaya and Jeet, who he used to think a friend, were going to the dance as each other’s dates. Sure he knew Jeet was only with him for a certain reason (the money) but nonetheless he always followed through on helping Rohan. Now that was in the trash, because now Rohan didn’t even have his father’s money anymore. Then, Shruti and Abhi. Shanaya’s best friend had betrayed her too. Snatched a guy she had a thing with just to take him to the dance and win the competition. Abhi wasn’t the best dancer, but he’d work hard and make Shruti better too. 

Rohan took Tanya, the only option he’d always had. The consistent breach between him and Shanaya. Honestly, he flirted with Tanya a lot but she never meant anything to him. She was there, so he took her. It wasn’t like he meant anything more than a social status or another weapon to wield against Shanaya anyway. 

God, this was fucked up. 

This is what his life was going to be like if he stuck through with his father. 

But he left, and now he was doubting if maybe all this petty social drama where he could trust no one was just because of him, not anything or anyone else. 

He entered the dance competition with grim determination. Without a doubt, he killed it. Not once did he lose concentration, not when Tanya tripped over her heels, not when Shanay was in his arms looking like she’d stepped straight out of his dreams, and not even when he saw both Shanaya and Abhi practically give up on the competition and stand still, staring at each other. Not when it hurt to see them care so much about each other that they couldn’t pay attention to anything else, but when it came to him, all they cared about was everything but him. 

And when he danced his solo and stuck the landing, all that raced through his mind was the vile words he’d spat at Abhi from their fight. What kind of pathetic guy would go for a dead family? Rohan Veer Nanda. 

Shanaya got eliminated, due to her and Abhi’s lapse. Somehow, the latter made it through. Rohan didn’t know if he was happy or sad. 

He settled for the word ‘distraught’.

***

Then only the final stage remained, the battle between the eight students, dwindled down from the sixteen that started it. The triathlon. 

For days he sat down with Rakul and devised a training plan for himself, analyzing himself after each day of classes. Cycling was his strongest field, if he could finish first (which he definitely could), perhaps running would be easier for him with that head start. After all, he was second best at running. The only person who could beat him for sure was… Abhi.

State level runner, he was. That cycling headstart was necessary if he wanted to win. 

Swimming was a little tough for him. He wasn’t the best, but not the worst either. If he just kept his cool and wasn’t behind, he could catch up and more past the others with the cycling. 

“You miss him.” Rakul said, without having to mention who. 

Rohan doesn’t have it in him to bite back, but he grits his teeth and doesn’t speak for a while after in anger. But he can’t hold a grudge against the man who’s providing him a home. Not just a house. The way Rakul looks after him, makes sure he eats and listens to the rants about every person in his school. It’s too much. For Rohan. It’s too familial. This was something he’d always hope for, not actually receive. And he was having trouble paying it back. 

Just once he won this trophy. He’ll give all of his attention to Rakul. 

He wasn’t going to mess this one up too. Like he’d done with Shanaya, his own brother, and above all, Abhi. 

***

He won. Rohan Veer Nanda won. 

And he rejected the trophy. 

And he smirked at his dad because yeah, Rohan wasn’t going to grab the gold if he didn’t deserve it, unlike his old man. 

And he watched his fellow student, Sudo, tear down the entire concept of Student of the Year. The unfairness, the prejudice, the cutthroat environment.

And he reached home and collapsed on the couch. 

Rakul was at work, wouldn’t be back for a bit. The academic year was over. Only his second year and Rohan felt like it was the end of the world. No friends, no achievements, no support. What would he do at college next year? Not even Jeet would hang out with him now. His business administration bachelors was still two full years away. Not like he could get a job. Aside from working at Raj’s garage like he did all breaks (and like he would’ve this one if Raj picked up the phone ). But a full life of that? Raj only would discourage him. 

Sighing, he went into the guest room and picked up his acoustic guitar. His brother had dropped off most of his music equipment; an amp, two guitars (one electric, one acoustic), a launchpad, portable keyboard and portable drums (those packable types). Along with the words “You made a mistake. Now you own it.” which were quite possibly the most encouraging things he’d ever said to Rohan. Then he left to go back to their father, like always. The biggest trouble of that interaction though was stuffing all of that into his allotted room. He’d profusely apologized to Rakul, promising he’d transport it all to Raj’s house. Unsurprisingly, Rakul had been extremely understanding. They utilized one of the third rooms, filled with shelves of books and old art supplies, placing the equipment in there. It was a nice aesthetic, a room to get away from the more logical aspects of life. Rohan had loved the idea too much to argue against it. 

But when he was feeling guilty, stretching his arms after carrying the heavy instruments, Rakul turned to him and said “Teach me?” and all was well. 

Now he basked himself in that memory instead of the competition. Strumming chords of a familiar song and humming along in a more unfamiliar melody. It wasn’t often he was so bare, even with music. That’s how the evening passed away, singing gibberish and playing the same few chords with occasional switches in strumming styles. 

Rakul came home to Rohan pressing his fingers onto the ice cubes in the freezer. He’d been too busy to do anything but train in the past month or so, paying the price for it after his lowkey jam session. The blisters on the pads of his fingers were fresh, not gained through constant practice, hurting all the more. The elder man rolled his eyes. That was all it took for Rohan to spill out what had happened at the assembly, all from him not taking the trophy to Sudo’s speech. “Why didn’t you take the trophy?” Rakul questioned, loosening his tie. 

This was exactly what Rohan had been running from. “It didn’t feel right.” 

“What? Because of what you think happened?”

Meekly, he nodded. Knowing it sounded crazy. But he knew Abhi, and he knew the way the other ran, eyes fixed on the destination and chest out.

“Talk to him,”

“It’s not that easy! I can’t just-”

“No, your pride can’t just…” Rakul mimicked him, trailing off. “Trust me, Veer. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life in uncertainty just because you have too much ego. It doesn’t lessen, it only grows.”

A blanket of comfort wrapped around him. He knew the other was right, but it would take more than a day to persuade his mind. “So what happened with your day? I’m always the one venting, you can also rant. I’m here for you.” Like you are for me. “I will say, I don't, like,  understand your job. At all? I think. You keep saying- what’s his name? Patel? - Patel keeps messing up on the UI of the steering wheel and I don’t know what UI is only? And why is it on a steering wheel? I know everything about cars, but there’s no UI item on steering wheels, yaar!” Rakul laughed, ruffling Rohan’s hair. 

“Well, Patel does keep messing up. But everyone likes him better.” he huffed. 

“Maybe that’s because he talks to people?”

“I talk to people!”

Rohan looked at him. “Please, you barely talk to me and I live with you!” He snarled, which didn’t look as menacing as it had before considering the fact that Rakul really was just a sweetheart. An awkward one, but that didn’t matter. He was still scowling, and Rohan finally relented, grinning. “Want to brush up on those few chords I taught you?”

A glint entered his eyes, no other change in his face. Rohan pulled him by his shoulders, taking some glee in how easy it was to make Rakul happy. He hadn’t yet uncovered the Acharya family trauma, they were much better at hiding it unlike the Nanda family. Sneakiness was important in the business. Rakul shuffled his feet by the door, looking everywhere but inside the room. He playfully shoved the man inside, snickering a little. The guitar was already uncovered due to his earlier use, but he had to put it in Rakul’s hands so the other would stop looking like a lost lamb. “You’re useless aside from emergencies.”

Rakul’s finger stumbled against the G chord, the first one Rohan had taught him. “Hey, shit. I was just joking.”

“I know.” Rakul said, sharply. 

Shit, shit, shit. Rohan had messed it up again. He inhaled, biting his lower lip. “Really.” Rakul nodded in response. “No, look at me.”

The other glared at him. “This isn’t a movie, Veer. You’re not going to stare into my soul and tell me I’m not useless and then I’ll believe it.” Tears pricked the edges of his eyes. Why was he so over emotional? The clunky transition between the Em and C chord illustrated the space between them. He blinked, and gently shifted the guitar’s position to the side. It was an awkward bend because Rakul was sitting and he wasn’t, but he hugged him anyway. 

***

First, he went to Shanaya. 

Well, more like she was there when he went to grab a coffee for him and Rakul. She stood tall and confident, a small yellow purse slung on her arm, matching her dress. God, she could take anyone’s breath away even if they weren’t in love with her. 

Impulsively, without planning anything in his head, he tapped her shoulder. 

Her pin-straight brown hair almost slapped him in the face as she turned. Already large eyes widening further, and mouth dropping open just slightly. Rohan was in a similar situation, just staring. “Rohan?”

“Yeah!” What was wrong with him? “I just wanted to… Talk?” 

She nodded warily. They went to a slightly more secluded spot in the Cafe, near one of the corner tables. “Okay, not really talking but I just wanted to say… Sorry. For overreacting. And not taking your feelings into account.” Was that it? That’s all he had to say.

Even she looked like she was expecting him to say more. But when he didn’t, something sparkly appeared in her irises. “I shouldn’t have kissed Abhi while dating you.”

“It hurt.” he admitted. “Hurts.” 

“I know and-"

“But I understand.”

A frown didn’t suit her face. “What?”

“I wasn’t a good boyfriend. I flirted with other-”

“Tanya.”

He smiled, correcting himself. “I flirted with Tanya a lot. Even if I stopped, it was too late. The damage was done. And that was my fault.”

“But I cheated on you.” She insisted. 

“Maybe we both should’ve broken up before it got this far, right? I was scared.”

The peaceful ring of the door as people entered and left somehow made it all better. This wasn’t life changing. He’d continue on. “I miss you-”

“Do you love me? Did you?”

He couldn’t turn back now. Softly, twiddling with the edge of his shirt, he spoke the truth. “Not in the way you deserved. Not in the way you wanted. I still don’t know what love is.” Was anything between them ever romantic? Maybe at the start, but not for a while. 

The way she tapped him made him think that maybe she felt the same way. “Do you think we can be friends?”

“Do you love me?”

Her nose scrunched. “Not in the way you think.” And he grinned, because this was the best dynamic for them. She lit up, arriving at the same conclusion. “Of course, we can be friends.”

***

Maybe showing up out of nowhere in front of the doorstep of Abhi’s house wasn’t the best idea he’d had. But he’d never been known for his intelligence. 

What was he going to do anyway? Text him? He was too scared to even open whatsapp, what if Abhi had blocked him? What would he do then? Rakul had already spent too much time consoling him, the other guy had a life too. Same goes for Shanaya, their new friendship was tentative, and he wasn’t about to annoy her into leaving. This was something he had to do alone. 

Abhi’s aunt opened the door, a tired expression dissolving into a type of joy which made him a little uncomfortable. “Rohan beta! Come in, come in. The house is a little messy, we weren’t expecting guests.”

“No, no, don’t worry. I was just here to talk to Abhi for a bit.” At the mention of his name, her face dropped a little. “Is he busy?”

“Never! Come on, he’s just upstairs.”

This was such a bad idea. Abhi was probably actually busy. Or doing something else. Or just not in the mood to see the guy who dug deep and hit every one of his weaknesses just because of a petty fight. When the door craned open, he was too afraid to look inside. But Abhi’s aunt shoved him inside, closing the door and saying she’d be back up with snacks. 

Abhi didn’t move. He was hunched over his desk, hair messier than usual, paper and pen in hand. Rohan didn’t dare open his mouth. But after a few more seconds, he couldn’t help himself. Before he could say anything, Abhi was pinning him against the wall, the edge of the door painfully digging into his back. His hand grabbed a fistfull of his T-shirt to keep him back. Close up, Rohan could trace the dark circles of hard work Abhi had put in. His growing scruff too. He stubbornly avoided making eye contact. “What are you doing here?” Abhi hissed, but it sounded more broken than anything. Oh, the way they had ended up. 

“Abhi, please-”

Scowling, Abhi pulled away, his hands still closed together, his shoulders stiff. “Why Rohan? It wasn’t enough to scream about my dead grandmother and dead parents in the auditorium? You have to do it at home too, now? Just so my aunt will join in, probably, hu-”

“Abhi!” Rohan stepped towards him. “I’m here to say sorry.”

“I don’t believe it.” he scoffed. 

Now this was getting on his nerves. Frustrated, he waved his hands around to control them from shoving the other. “First of all, stop acting like I was the only dick in the situation. Second of all, would you listen? I shouldn’t have said shit about your family at all, that had nothing to do with what happened and it was an overreaction. How could I compare you guys kissing to someone dying?” His arms fell back to his side. 

“Yeah,” Abhi agreed, jaw tense. “It sucked.”

“And it wasn’t true! That’s the worst part, not one thing I said I actually meant or believed.”

“What? So you believe it now? Wouldn’t blame you-”

Rohan groaned. “Listen! If you were bad luck, why did I win? Why did me and Shanaya finally break-up because now we weren't too scared?  Why did I finally have the guts to leave my dad and just go? Fights are normal Abhi, but you aren’t bad luck. Tough times happen to everyone, even if you’re not there. None of us are leaving. I know Shanaya won’t be, and neither would I, even if you’d want me to.”

Abhi’s aunt entered the room with a tray of snacks, blissfully unaware of the tension and the fact that Abhi was quite literally going to punch him again. He wished her a thank you because that’s all he could do right now.

Once she left, Abhi murmured. “It’s ‘Shanaya and I’.”

A sharp jab against his chest. Before he realized. “You’re really going to correct my grammar right now?”

“I shouldn’t have kissed Shanaya.” He said finally, gathering the papers that were on his desk. “Not while you guys were together. We wouldn’t have worked out anyway.” At this, Rohan blurted out a ‘what?’ before he could control it. Abhi’s back was all that was in his view but he could imagine the tight line of his mouth, and his wrinkled forehead. “We talked it out afterwards. I never liked her. At that moment, I was emotional, and couldn’t tell the difference between platonic and romantic. Yeah, it doesn’t make sense but I don’t know how else to say it. It was a mistake, I don’t want to be in a relationship with her.”

***

When they had the real confrontation, a day later, Rohan had been the one to shove Abhi. “You closed your eyes! You let me win, asshole! I’m not that pathetic that you had to take sympathy on me.” And it was all pouring out, all the anger and hurt he’d kept inside for so long. 

“That’s because your father was a rascal!” Abhi said, roughly gripping Rohan’s wrists to escape the shoving. “I’m not the best person on Earth but even I’m not that bad. Smiling seeing my own son lose.” Rohan couldn’t hear it, he was ingrained to defend his dad and his instincts were all that worked right now. He struggled against Abhi’s hold on him, but Abhi didn’t let go and they both went careening against the wall. “I realized I could defeat the biggest man in India, just by making you win.” Rohan went lax.

“So what? You never cared about the shit he did, you just thought winning against him was more important than winning against me.” he pulled his hands back to himself, hitting Abhi in the process. A grim sense of satisfaction occurred deep inside his mind. God, he was a shit person. No wonder no one thought of him as important. The petulancy alone slotted him far below his father.

Abhi didn’t say anything. Rohan saw red, and before he knew it, a punch was flying to the other’s face. Right after they’d just made peace. But Abhi caught his fist, and the other one. No matter how much he tried, Abhi didn’t move, or let him go. He even headbutted the guy, on the shoulder because he couldn’t reach his face. “I don’t even mean enough to fight with you?” Still, no response. His eyes snapped shut, to hold the rapidly forming tears inside. He wasn’t going to cry in front of Abhi. Not right now, after all he’d done. It was already embarrassing enough. 

“Stop thinking only of yourself.” Abhi whispered because now he wasn’t even doing anything. Just sitting there, face in his hands, fingers clutching at his own hair. “Maybe I wanted you to win because it was you and I made it an unfriendly competition.”

“Yeah right, get lost.” and he meant it. He was going to go home, and have a nice little breakdown until Rakul found him trying to clear the red blots on his face. Ahbi shoved him this time, but it didn’t seem violent. “Please.” He tried, and it worked. In the corner of some park near the college, he was all alone, shivering in the heat. 

***

The next day Abhi called him. Maybe he’d unblocked Rohan, or had he ever blocked him at all? “Where are you now?” His gruff voice crackled. Rohan first asked Rakul if it was okay, and then told Abhi the address. 

“I’m curious as to what the guy looks like,” Rakul said. 

“Your basic ‘f-boy’.”

“No, that’s you.”

Rohan stuck out his tongue. “He looks like you but better.” He dodged the book that was thrown at him, laughing. 

When the doorbell rang, Rohan practically leaped to open it. Considering how he’d humiliated himself yesterday, he should’ve been more subdued. But honestly, he was all for pretending that had never happened. 

He was greeted with two faces instead of one. Shanaya and Abhi entered together, and Rohan felt a brief flash of something . Had they changed their minds? Were they together now? Where was Rakul? Abhi nudged him. “Hi,” he greeted weakly. Shanaya smiled at him sweetly first, then started eyeing Rakul’s place. Without a care in the world, she was poking the cushions and peeking into the kitchen. At least everything was normal again between them . He’d missed their friendship.

She picked up a blue bowl with wispy clouds and tiny birds dotting it all over. “Woah, this is pretty. And it’s not pretentious. Where did you get it?”

Rakul appeared in the hallway like the sun on a rainy day. “Thanks.”

Shanaya jumped, whirling around. 

“I painted it. But the bowl you can get from like Ikea.”

She stared at him. Then, per Shanaya nature, a bright smile boomed, dimples on display. She grabbed his hand and shook it. “I’m Shanaya, Rohan’s friend from college. That’s Abhi, he’s a bit of the brooding type.” God, Rohan had never been more grateful for how Shanaya was able to move on from awkward and grudgeful situations. 

Abhi bristled at his introduction, nodding at Rakul but not saying anything. Rohan nudged him this time, glaring. “Hi.” he relented. 

“I’m Rakul,” 

Shanaya confidently responded. “Nice to meet you, Rakul. So do you guys live together now?”

Rakul looked towards Rohan helplessly, a little wary of the way Shanaya gave him all her attention. Rohan laughed, ignoring Abhi’s weird look. “No, no. I’m here until my cousin returns from wherever he is. Then I’ll be out of Rakul’s hair.”

“Pretty nice place,” Abhi commented. “You live alone?”

Rakul nodded, gently taking his bowl back from Shanaya, who flashed an apologetic look. 

“Why such a big house for one person?”

Rohan huffed. “There’s so much more in a house other than living in it. Wait, I'll show you the room with all the cool stuff, come.” He practically dragged Abhi, not looking to see if the other two were behind him. “What’s with you?” he whispered to the taller one. 

“What was with you?” Abhi shot back. 

And well, true. 

He opened the door with more force than necessary, immediately regretting it by the way it rebounded back and almost smacked him in the face. “Shut up,” he muttered. “Look, it’s all my music stuff and Rakul’s books and art things or whatever. Space is utilized.”

Abhi’s eyebrows raised. “Wow, big word.”

Rohan was this close to shoving him when he realized. That’s what he’d done yesterday, shoving and crying and fighting. He’d never been more grateful that he hadn’t been able to land a punch. “Um, I shouldn’t have done that yesterday. You were an ass, though.” Technically, Abhi hadn’t done anything wrong. It was Rohan’s fault that he overestimated his own worth. He was used to doing that, since he was part of the Nanda family and since he wasn’t. 

His mom still checked up on him. If he reached out, his brother would respond, but it would be all haughty and to show off what he was missing in life. Financially, he wasn’t completely cut off, he just refused to use it for anything aside from groceries or necessities. Anything that could help out Rakul. He’d definitely take up a job soon though at his cousin’s mechanics shop. “Shit. I just realized. You worked with cars, I worked with cars. We could do an internship or something together,” Abhi didn’t even take a minute to shoot down the idea.

“No. I’m done with that stuff, I’m going to get a nice business internship at least. Maybe a secretary job too if I can’t find anything.” 

“Ugh.” But it’s moments like these where you could tell the difference in how they were raised. Rohan did work for fun. Abhi did work to get something out of it, whether it was money, experience or learning. Even if he wanted to, it would be unfair of Rohan to look down on him for that. After all, fun can be very unaffordable. 

“It looks like you’re fully moved in.” Abhi nodded towards the drum set and the launchpad. “You and Rakul are really close, huh?”

“Can we stop with the formalities, yaar. Just because maybe we weren’t-or aren’t- on the best terms doesn’t mean we get all passive aggressive!” he crossed his arms. Abhi picked up the acoustic, awkwardly holding it like a cello. He thrust it into Rohan’s arms. 

“Let’s see if you’re actually good or not,” the smirk reminded him of the old Abhi. The one who’d challenge Rohan without the heat. 

“Please, I’m a future rockstar,” and he played. A short song. Weirdly, he didn’t want to show off, he just wanted Abhi to hear him. His voice was hoarse because he hadn’t done proper singing in a while, especially in this key, but he loved it anyway. 

“It was always you falling for me

Now there's always time calling for me

I'm the light blinking at the end of the road

Blink back to let me know…”

Chapter Text

Shanaya had tough luck with love. With her family, with Rohan and Abhi, and now she didn’t really know what it was. She confessed it to Abhi once and he said “Why do you care right now?” Of course, he meant it in a different way than she took it but she kept the phrase in her heart anyway. She’d had her experience and that was it. No more chasing, things would come to her when they had to. 

So her list of what to do and what to think of was greatly shook up by this new development. 

Friends-wise, it surprisingly got better. Shruti and her had talked, but she could feel the change between them. They would never be that close again. At this point, she’d moved on. Weirdly enough, Abhi and Rohan were the closest to her now. Bulldozing through their recent past, they truly were the ones with whom she felt most comfortable. She’d lost the romantic love with Rohan a while ago. Abhi had been…Something different, something new. Looking back, he’d been a distraction. If they continued, she was sure she would’ve fallen head over heels. But in the time they had, they’d been a quick dive into the water, there was only so long they could hold their breaths for. 

Through those two, she’d been talking to Rakul more as well. He reminded her of Abhi at the start, reserved and snarky. The more she got to know him, the more she realized he was even more quiet, and less arrogant too. 

In fact, the more time she spent with him, the more unknown he became. Not fitting into any box. 

It was fascinating. She was so going to get to the bottom of this. Even if she had to be annoying while doing it. Rohan had managed to break the shell so why couldn’t she? Actually, Rohan could help her too. Keeping that in mind, she showed up at his place. 

Rohan opened the with a whine already falling from his lips. “I was in the middle of recording!”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, I’m here now.”

“Shanaya! This was going to be my audition for that one pub near your house. I can’t breeze on beach performances for the rest of my life,” he collapsed on the couch, she sat primly next to him, legs crossed. “It’s so hard to manufacture feeling, man. I can do sad songs sitting alone in the bedroom, or even hopeful, but all those hype songs or full of anger? Ugh,”

“You’ve never been good at pretending anyway,” she said. Few days ago, she’d have meant it as a jab, but now it was only an observation. Rohan would never lie to her, for better or worse. 

“Honesty’s the best policy,” he murmured. Through the sweat and uncombed hair, he was glowing. The usual low brows missing from his face. 

Her back straightened, and she pinched her cheeks to look as alive as he was. “What’s this Rakul’s deal?” No picture frames, no memorabilia, nothing that screamed Acharya in his house. But it wasn’t like Rohan, he hadn’t left the family. Publicly, he was often mentioned by his parents and sister, more actively involved in the family business. In fact, it was his brother, Rahesh, who was ignored. Big source of gossip and rumors, but no one really knew what happened. 

She wondered if Rohan did, and if she should even ask about it. Some things were better left unknown. 

“Rumours and rumours and rumours, if you gossip about him, I’m gonna be really mad.”

“Rohan, he’s a nice guy,” one of the cushions was crooked. “He’s just so mysterious, I’m curious. A little knowledge won’t hurt anyone.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know any more than you do. I used to be closer with his brother before and then we just stopped talking. He never mentions Rahesh so it has to be something serious. I trust the guy though, he wouldn’t be doing something wrong.” Pausing for a moment, he chewed his bottom lip. “He is serious. But he always smiles when I’m sad or hurt, but not in a jokey way, like honestly smiles. It makes me feel better.” Add comforting to the list. 

Their talk of Rakul drifted back to Rohan’s gigs and how he’d been collecting them like wildfire. He also had enough connections to a few producers that he could maybe work with one of them for a song or two, and then hopefully full-time after college ended. She asked why he was even bothering with a degree. “I’m going to use it, just in a different way,”

When he asked her the same, she had no answer. “People won’t take me seriously until I do,”

“I still don’t take you seriously,”

She smacked his shoulder. 

Rakul reached home to find them both watching Hum Saath Saath Hain and passionately arguing if Saif Ali Khan or Sonali Bendre was prettier. They consulted him, and his answer was Karisma Kapoor. 

Shanaya pulled him down next to them, not even a break to change out of his shirt and tie. “Before you disappear.” she explained. 

Everytime Karisma appeared on screen to cheerfully lift the mood, the edges of his lips would twitch up. And everytime a romantic moment happened, he’d duck his head and act as shy as the characters were. Rohan had ended up on the floor somehow, his head leaning against the back of the couch, the only thing separating her and Rakul’s sides to be touching. 

***

Abhi didn’t like weakness, not at all. 

“Rakul’s like what I wanted my own brother to be,” Rohan said, after Abhi had spent another few minutes spewing barbed comments about the other. “I don’t understand why you’re mean to him.”

“He’s just another rich kid, I treat him like I treated you at the start.”

He shook his head. “No, you don’t.”

It was true, Abhi didn’t. Rohan had been easy enough to read, he wore his heart on his sleeve. Rakul, on the other hand, was almost sinister. What kind of job-working man just lets a college student stay in his apartment like that? 

Rohan continued. “He just has trouble with emoting, a lot of people I know have grown up with the mantra of faking it, Abhi. Just look at Shanaya.”

“Yeah but hers is different, she just feels like no one will love her if she doesn’t fake it or be dramatic. Because she’s neglected. At least she has the privilege to snatch other people’s attention.” This was always a thought on his mind, because despite his circumstances, his grandmother had made sure he would always have at least some semblance of familial love. The type that would stay with him even if she was gone. Maybe that’s why he kissed Shanaya, because she too deserved that self-assurance that she could be as much of bad luck as Abhi, but someone would love her anyway. 

“You grabbed people’s attention too, I was mad jealous,” 

Abhi smirked. “You’re still jealous.”

The other laughed. “You wish, I’m the one all the girls are screaming for at my gigs.” Not only girls. 

“Paid actors.” Abhi said instead, happily accepting Rohan hitting him with his shoulder. Unintentionally, he leaned in and now, of course, it would be too awkward to pull back. So he stayed there, both of them equalizing with half their weights against the other. “I’m the only one actually cheering, because I don’t want you to feel bad.”

“That’s such a lie,” Rohan snorted, bringing a smile to Abhi’s face. He’d missed the other’s weird squeaky laughs. “But thank you anyway,”

***

“Pinch my cheeks,”

Rakul made a face. 

“Natural blush,” she held up her mehendi-laden hands and pouted. He shifted uncomfortably, glancing around to find someone he knew who could come and save him. This is why he hated social events. “Please?” He hated her and her wide eyes and already rosy skin. As quickly as he could, he ‘pinched’ her cheeks. It was barely a tap, but she beamed up at him and he forgot the gruff reply waiting on the tip of his tongue. 

***

When Abhi missed his grandmother, he would go to this nearby park and just sit. Simply staring at the careful landscaping and gardening. 

Two weeks into summer break and Rohan found him. He made his way over with a smile brighter than the sweltering sun. Abhi couldn’t even wave back, head blankly moving up to look at him. “I was supposed to go get groceries but I’m sure I can take a small detour,” Rohan plopped down right next to him on the bench. His hair curled over his forehead as if he hadn’t brushed it since he woke up. No gel either. Maybe it was that honesty that made Abhi lose his will to shout a little. 

“Go away.” he said, a little dazed when Rohan’s face immediately fell. The other shook Abhi, not leaving him even when he pushed as roughly as he could in the moment. 

“Not good to keep stuff inside,” Rohan poked his chest, still trying to keep up with the light atmosphere. Abhi wasn’t having it, snarling and swatting his hand away harder than necessary. “Okay, we won’t talk.” He fished out his phone, scrolling through it too fast to actually be absorbing anything. 

Fine, it wasn’t Abhi’s job to entertain him, he very clearly said the other should leave. 

“Just go,” he repeated after a few minutes. 

Rohan shrugged. “I like it here, I mean I’m bored but I can be bored for a little bit. Anyway, it reminds me of when I was younger and we would play football here. You know Rakul has an older brother, Rahesh? Yeah, apparently something’s up with him now but back then we were pretty close. We’d find any park where people were going on their daily walks and just set up with our football. Sometimes some auntie would get mad at us, or some uncle would join in, or vice versa.”

“We’d do the same thing. My grandmother would always sit and watch us play, shushing the other people who objected,” Abhi said without thinking. He could remember her entertained smile from the nearby chairs and tables of the field they’d go to. Sipping chai in a paper cup and enjoying her time. 

  Rohan hummed, leaning back and Abhi could practically feel his gaze on the side of his face. “I wish my grandmother too would enjoy seeing sweaty guys run around.”

Abhi scowled, but even he couldn’t take himself seriously. “That’s my grandmother, man.”

“I know, and she’s amazing.”

“Yeah, she is.” Present tense felt so much more right. Even if she wasn’t here, it didn’t change anything about her. “When I moved here, we would come to the parks to talk. To get out of the house.”

“That’s sad,”

“All families are sad,” 

Rohan frowned. “That’s not true. Your dadi (grandmother) was your family too. And not all families are related by blood.” It was a naive sentence but he was staring at him so honestly that Abhi couldn’t say anything against it. Instead he went for the most familiar sentence between them. 

“You’re not going to ki-”

But Rohan was already hugging him. 

***

“You’re not going to kiss me now, are you?”

Rohan pushed him. “I won’t even hug you,” 

They laughed, wrapping their arms around each other and screaming, the crowd around them lost into the background. 

***

Abhi always thought he hated clubbing. 

But he hadn’t truly experienced it until Rohan took him. Dressed in a black shirt and with a glass in one hand was not what he imagined himself to be doing during his college summers. “You can let loose sometimes, yaar!” Rohan complained, dragging Abhi by the arm into the flailing crowd. 

And yeah, he could. 

Anyways, in two days, his internship would start. It didn’t take much persuasion to be swayed by the strong beats of the music, the bass buzzing with his heart. 

In the throng of bodies, he was sure Shanaya or Tanya (she had a habit of stalking Rohan now that he wasn’t talking to her) were around somewhere. He honestly couldn’t see anyone in the dull lighting, though he could definitely feel them up against him. The only person who he could recognize was Rohan, the flash of the zipper on his jacket and the silhouette of his gelled hair. 

Somehow, despite slender arms pulling them in every direction, they never strayed too far from each other. 

It was a good thing because Abhi could spot through the haze of the crowd when Rohan was getting pushed around more than he was dancing. He excused himself from the girl whose hands were almost around him. She was pretty, with long dark hair falling down her back and a sparkly crop top that outlined her trimmed waist. “Another night,” he whispered in her ear before slipping away.

When he put his arm around Rohan’s shoulders, the other practically collapsed onto him. “Why aren’t you partying?” he slurred against his collarbone. 

Amused, he navigated the floor with little care of who he pushed aside. “Why aren’t you ?” 

“I ammm, you’re taking me away from the dance floor,” his hands reached out to where he was for a millisecond before limply falling against Abhi’s side. He pouted. “You took me away.” It was a task to keep his grabby fingers away from more glasses filled with brown liquid but Abhi was used to this by now. He himself was a little tipsy, enough to be tripping over air but nothing like the shorter one was, unable to even stand on his own two legs. 

When they got outside, Abhi leaned Rohan against the wall, then asked the valet to bring the car around. That's what he used to be. How lucky he was that his hard work paid off. 

While waiting, Tanya too had found her way outside. Draping herself on Rohan’s side, almost sending them both tumbling across the wall. Abhi caught Rohan’s other side, stabilizing the two. He gruffly pushed them the other way, to put some space of course. 

“I’m tired, Tanya,” Rohan whined. She giggled her way through some words which Abhi couldn’t make out. Rohan hugged her, an awkward mess of limbs they made, but still said “Nooo, I wanna go home.” Then, he attempted to disentangle themselves, which was considerably harder when Tanya wouldn’t let go. 

Abhi stopped paying attention after that. The alcohol was draining from his system as the corners of his lips also downturned. 

In a few minutes, Rakul’s car that they had borrowed pulled up. Sleek and shining. There would be no sitting on the hood or dragging the dirty soles of their shoes on the clean exterior. And if he could help it, not on the interior either. Despite his wariness of Rakul, the man had truly helped Rohan a lot. And somehow, Shanaya too had gotten close to him, but he was sure that she just babbled when he was there and he listened. 

He had to hold Rohan again when he tried to make his way to the car, snatching him out of Tanya’s octopus grip. “We’re going. Are any of your friends here to drop you back home?” maybe the ice in her tone discouraged her from any further antics. She nodded, eyes wide like a little kid. “Okay, good.”

“Bye Tanya!” Rohan waved to her, half-lidded eyes fluttering as Abhi deposited him in the passenger seat. 

Shit, should he even drive?

It was too late now, his hands were already on the steering wheel. And he wasn’t drunk , he’d only had a bit of alcohol. Rohan’s head flopped against his shoulder. Yeah, it was fine. 

***

Rohan was scared. 

His heartbeat was so strong that it shook his chest along with it. The rain wasn’t consistent either. The pitter-patter interrupted by booms of thunder or shocks of lightning. He was so fucking scared. His nails dug into his forearms, deeper and deeper and deeper. Closing his eyes, he took in shaky but long breaths. 

Fuck, he hated nightmares. The yelling he’d grown up with, the loud smack of a hand on his skin, vomiting through tears.

He needed to calm down. He really needed to calm down. 

Forcing himself to let go of his own body, he gripped his phone just as tightly. There was Abhi, Rakul, Shanaya… But they would pick up. They would help him. He scrolled to the one he knew wouldn’t pick up, because he hadn’t in the last several days. 

Raj’s number rang long enough that his heartbeat started to match the beeps. He sighed, relieved. Until the pattern changed and something else filled the darkness. 

“Veer? What happened?”

Chapter Text

Rohan and Rakul sat across each other on the soft, grey couches of the living room. The former twiddling his thumbs and the latter slouched, head dipped in resignation. “I’ll finally stop annoying you into teaching me how to cook every time you come back from work now,” he said, trying to ease the tension. Rakul gave him a soft smile. 

But the sadness still lingered. 

Mostly from Rohan’s side he was sure. “This place is closer to my college, you know?” Of course he’d know, that’s how he’d found Rohan, scratching his head on which transport to take to Saint Teresa’s. “But really, thanks. You’ve helped me to the point where my instruments have practically formed relationships with your books by how much they have to share space.”

Rakul’s head perked up. “Moving all that would be tough.”

And he couldn’t stop himself from blurting out “Can I stay? I’ll pay rent or whatever now.” 

***

“Come with me to Raj’s?” Rohan asked over the phone. “It’s close to your internship place.”

“What am I going to do at your cousin’s place?” 

“Make connections?” he heard Abhi’s groan over the bad network. It wasn’t that he needed Abhi to come with him but it would be nice to see him and Raj interact. His cousin had a knack for judging people, especially because he looked at everyone through rose-coloured glasses, similar to Rohan, so the vision of Abhi would be appreciated. 

“I get off at 5.”

“Perfect! You can chill and meet me there at 6 or something,” and that was that. He knew once he explained the situation to his cousin, he’d have to bring along Rakul too someday. But that could wait for later, it could happen anytime. 

The excitement was making his leg bounce. 

This could be attributed to his growing success in music also, he’d gotten quite a lot of attention in a few videos. He was sure the initial wave was because of the Nanda tag but after that, the numbers kept growing. Out of all, his cousin’s right hand men, Anwar and Shakti would definitely be most excited about it. Maybe Sidhu too? Shakti’s younger brother. They’d been close before, but he’d stopped replying to Rohan’s messages now. 

He decided to grab an auto and head there before Rakul returned home. The only reason he’d been waiting was so he could assist the other set up social media accounts that weren't LinkedIn and Facebook. Shanaya already agreed to go over and help though, so he was off the hook. 

It wasn’t the sunniest day but light enough that Rohan could see the changes in the scenery, alerting him to the area they were going into. Tall, gray buildings morphing into stouter but wider beige ones.The rare reds becoming more frequent, joined by shades of blues, oranges and yellows. This was where the best parts of his childhood were spent. Every summer, an escape for him. Some winter breaks too if he was lucky. And whenever else his father would let him go. The reason for the auto was so he could breathe in the familiar street foods, brush his fingers against edges of signboards he only seemed to remember when he saw them. 

Finally the multi-storeyed house appeared in his view. The auto driver raised an eyebrow when he practically jumped out after paying the fare. 

He rang the doorbell, just to mess with Raj, before using his keys. 

Just as he kicked the door to close it, his cousin appeared with a warm smile. His thick dark hair was tucked behind his ears. Rohan jumped into his arms, laughing when the other stumbled back. “Where were you? So much happened,” he couldn’t hold back the tinge of disappointment that underlined his words but Raj didn’t seem to notice. 

“Something really important came up-” it was only now that he noticed the faint bruises on Raj’s arms, the nicks and cuts on his fingers and the sharp black surrounding his eyes. How could he assume he was the only one going through trouble? “And I just wasn’t able to get back. I was traveling here on the night you called me.” He followed Rohan’s gaze. “A close friend was having a family emergency.” Shakti and Anwar climbed down the stairs behind him, yelping when they caught sight of Rohan before gleefully making their way to him. 

“We opened the phones and saw so many missed calls from you, we thought you went fast-track graduation or something and we missed it!”

Rohan laughed. “You are the only one who could think I’d go fast-track anything.”

“Well, you are fast-track with everything but academics.” Raj said, calling them all over to sit on the couch. “But what happened? No messages, only calls and so many too.”

Thinking back, it honestly got sorted out in a better way than he could’ve ever imagined. His main problem was the absolute loneliness that came after the Abhi-Shanaya event. No friends, and then no family to back him up either. What a surprise that the one to bring him out of solitude was a guy he hadn’t talked to in years. “It wasn’t that bad,” he started. 

“But what happened?”

“Just some drama at college, and then I, um… Left dad’s place. I was going to live in the dorms but fortunately, I found one of my family friends and he’s offered to let me stay with him… Yeah,” Rohan didn’t look up, unknowing of whether it would be confusion, disappointment or amusement staring back at him. A hand settled on his shoulder, startling him. 

“Look what happened while we were away, bhai.” Anwar complained, pinching Rohan’s cheek. 

Shakti shook his head. “I thought he met some dire fate- hit by a car or bus or something.” Raj held up a palm, staring at Rohan with a calculating gaze. Anwar and Shakti both left, patting Rohan’s head.

“What really happened, Veer?”

“That’s exactly what happened,” he insisted. “Do you remember Shanaya? Well… Her and Abhi- that guy I told you about- kissed and I was still dating her at the time but it wasn’t all their fault and… It was messy. We got into a fight.”

“Your drama is always with girls, yaar, I think you need to stay away from them for a bit.” 

Rohan snorted in relief, glad the atmosphere wasn’t tensing. “That’s what you focus on?”

“Didn’t you say Abhi was coming over?”

“Yeah, the three of us made up. No couples, just friends.” An odd sting on his skin as he said the words. He didn’t like Shanaya in that way, it didn’t explain the small regret in his voice. “But back then, Abhi and I had a physical fight. I went home and… Dad wasn’t too happy.” Raj bristled. “And then I left. Just like that.”

“That wasn’t the reason to leave.” Raj raised an eyebrow. “He’s never happy around you, apparently .” He was poking fun at the times that Rohan had complained to him about his father, trying to build up the courage to say how he really felt towards that man. It had never worked out, clearly. “I know you think he doesn’t like you but he’s your dad, Veer. And no one can dislike you. To the fact that you have two dads.” That was a reference to Raj’s father, Rohan’s uncle, who had given him more love than any other adult he knew. And had unfortunately passed away, prompting him to return to his ‘family’. “What did you do?”

Rohan exploded. “Why is it always me? Why couldn’t he have done something wrong? He’s the one who slapped me! He’s the one who spews insults at me every time he sees me, can punish me all he wants whenever he wants, but I can’t do anything? I can’t even leave?” His voice cracked. 

He jumped up, turning his back to the other. “I’m going to- I’m- I’m going to go find Siddhu. I’ll be bac-”

“Veer.” Raj’s voice was stern. The room seemed shaded though all the curtains were open. He was scared to turn around. “Veer, please.” The breeze was wounding around his bones, forcing each part of his body to whirl around but his heart stood stuck, contorting around the new position. 

Stubbornly, he made sure the target of his sight was the view outside. Shakti and Anwar were chatting about something, cars were pattering by. 

He should be thankful that Raj didn’t ask for details. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His bottom lip quivered. If he said something now, everything would spill out. Raj looked similarly suppressed. Hands clenched and jaw tense. “I-” for the first time, he broke off, glancing away. “I would’ve helped.”

Veer pursed his lips, unable to put it into words. “I know.”

***

When Abhi came, Rohan made him explain. Because it was easier to step out of the room and have Abhi say all the words he couldn’t about his own father to Raj. It was different when you complained about your family to non-family. A little inkling in his head also tried to inform him this was so Raj could give Abhi a stare-down for kissing Shanaya and hurting Rohan. During a time like this, he could afford to gain a little validation.

Until then, he distracted himself by catching up with Siddhu. 

There was something wrong. The other, normally cheerful and welcoming, was… Haughty? And not in the playful way, as if he genuinely knew something Veer didn’t. It was making him a little nervous. 

“What was this even about? Like, bhaiyya didn’t tell me any details.” He poked the other, trying not to let his frown show. Siddhu patted him on the back, shaking his head condescendingly. “Come on, man, tell me something, please?” Siddhu actually scoffed, shoving him off. He gaped as the other left, silently staring at his back. When did he lose Siddhu too? The pavement felt tough as he sat down, feeling something heavy inside him. 

“Rohan?”

Abhi was back. 

He pushed himself up, apprehensively searching Abhi’s face for any sign of how the talk went. Abhi snorted. “Stop it, I just said everything I observed. Can we go inside now? I think he hates me.” Rohan grinned, at least one good thing out of this. “Oh, shut up,”

The rest of the day breezed by, not one mention of his dad. Raj and him got to catch up, while Abhi got acquainted with this other part of his life. He was the only one to meet this side of his family. Shanaya knew of them but had never ventured here with Rohan, not that he could blame her, it’s not like he invited her. Raj was definitely wary of Abhi though, side-eying him most of the time, but he still liked him. Rohan could tell when his brother was starting to feel some sort of connection with someone and Abhi fit all the boxes; well-spoken, intellectual, gets intimidated by Raj, and shares camaraderie with Rohan.

It was nice. 

After Abhi left, Raj and him sat down in the living room, little tired from all the moving around. “Wait, I’ll text Rakul I’m staying the night.” 

“How did you meet this guy?” Raj asked, desperately trying to keep his tone nonchalant. 

Veer hid a smile. “On the street-” He couldn’t keep it in after seeing the other’s discomfort. “I was trying to find a way back to school dorms, and he only called me over. We’re family friends actually, so he’s not some stranger. I’ve known him since middle school, bhaiya.”

Raj pursed his lips. “Call him over once, or let me come over.” When they were younger and Veer had been ‘banished’ to boarding school, the only ones who’d come visit him were Raj and his uncle. Each time, they’d bring gifts with them which Veer would neglect, pleading them to take him away. It had worked only after his uncle’s death, and he’d been allowed to stay with Raj to help him heal. Weirdly few of the best months of his life. “You should be careful around strangers,”

Veer laughed. “I’ll bring him around. Is Meera around?” Raj’s face soured. He shook his head. Even the younger could play his games right. Meera owned the restaurant in which he’d done his first ever gig, she was ready to manage him. She had her connections. Then she found out he and Raj were related, and whatever their past was, it got in the way. He was devastated when he found out he’d have to stop, and then Raj did something . Not telling Veer what it was, and somehow things were getting better. Then it was back to square one when Veer went back to his parents. “I just… I was thinking of getting a headstart on the music thing. I’ve got a few gigs down the pipeline on my own but still.” 

“I’m sure she’s at the same place you find her every time.” Raj said, throat clenched around those few words. 

Veer took the hint, that was all the prodding he would do for today, and changed the subject. “What do you think about Abhi?” Always the one topic he could fall back on, reliable even when he wasn’t there. Raj looked at him, a smile ticking up the corners of his lips. “What?”

“He’s okay, I don’t care much for him.”

“You haven’t met Shanaya either, right? Maybe I’ll bring her around too one day. And of course, Rakul. But for that, you can come check out our- I mean, his- place. Also, where the hell were you guys gone that you couldn’t even check my social media? I’ve been posting so much and it’s getting some attention on the music lines-”

***

Life started getting back to normal after that. He never did end up telling Raj about the nightmares which had prompted that final call but it was fine. He was doing well. One month had passed and he and Abhi were practically what they had been before. Shanaya and both of the boys had gotten even closer in ways that girlfriends and boyfriends never could. Rakul and him had eased into a daily style of living and he felt closer than his family ever had. 

He even said it to Abhi one day. 

“You better not tell him that, it’ll scare him off.” the taller had muttered, scribbling down answers to the math homework Rohan barely understood. 

He frowned at the response. “Maybe he’d be weirded out but he wouldn’t run away.” 

“You do your work, I’m not going to help you later.” Abhi said. He pointedly looked at Rohan’s empty answer sheet, aside from the doodles on the corner of the paper. Rohan pouted, picking up his pencil. 

“I don’t understand any of it!”

“Do you not pay attention in class?”

“I do! It just takes me longer to process everything, I need to study five times what anyone else does and I don’t know why.” During Student of The Year, despite what everyone else thought, he’d started studying way before. Secretly, of course. Abhi took a long look at him, before grudgingly explaining each question. Except Rohan could feel the gentle touch on his shoulders, making him focus, and the squeeze that followed when he got something right. “So much quicker if you’re helping me.” He lamented. “I wish I could do it all again, just with you there this time.”

Abhi coughed, shifting away now that the questions were done. “Don’t be a freeloader. This is just us getting ahead of next year’s course load.”

“I’m not a freeloader, bhai! This is a give-and-take relationship. You can take whatever you want from me, I’ll keep my mouth shut.” Rohan grinned, leaning back on his chair. The wind was keeping his face cool, and that improved his mood all the more. It was one of the first summers he wasn’t spending at Raj’s place, but that didn’t matter. He was going there every weekend anyway. Maybe if he didn’t overexpose himself, they wouldn’t get tired of him. 

He shook his head, glancing at Abhi. The other had stayed silent, quietly stuffing his papers into his messenger’s bag. 

“Leaving?” he tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice. 

Abhi moved his head ‘no’. “Don’t want to forget anything here.”

“Mi casa es su casa.”

He stared blankly at Rohan. “It’s Rakul’s house.” The shorter shrugged. “And I still don’t… How old is he again?”

“Mid-twenties, why?”

“Why is he hanging out with you and Shanaya, isn’t it weird?”

Rohan groaned. “Again? Relax, yaar, Abhi. He’s trustworthy or whatever. If he wanted to do something, he would’ve done it by now. I don’t get why you’re so onto him all the time.” He trailed his fingers on the wooden desk. 

“I’m just worried about you.”

His head jerked. Abhi was sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed, his eyes fixated outside the window where people milled about, noise wafting in. “Aww,” Rohan teased, he plopped down next to him, making the jump sag slightly with both their weight so concentrated. “You’re a good friend. Little too suspicious of everything but it’s cute. Now will you stop sulking?” Abhi shoved him, face turned away, out of view. Yet he still grabbed Rohan and brought him back when he was teetering on the edge. 

***

In the middle of the night, Rohan woke up with tears on the brink of mapping out his face. He thought he was doing good. 

He didn’t know when it started. Ever since he was younger, nightmares did plague him. His mother always said he was a sensitive child, unable to detach from his surroundings, the smallest of things spooking him. It was true for sure, he had never been known for his composure. Now, he wondered what to do. Sighing, he carefully got out of bed, running a hand through his messy hair. 

Tip-toeing to the kitchen was an experience, because after all this time, Rohan was so woefully scared of the dark. 

He kept his mind on other things, like how he was going to meet Abhi for coffee after his internship got over tomorrow. How he was planning to film another cover in the first half of the day, maybe host an experimental live show on Instagram to see how many people joined. He also had to ask Shanaya to come over on the day after, so they could cook something special for Rakul. Slowly, his cooking skills were improving out of his guilt. He’d never realized how much work others did for him until suddenly it wasn’t a family member doing it out of obligation. 

Even then, no doubt he’d been spoiled in everything but love. And he should be glad he got that at least. 

“What are you doing?”

“AAAH!” Rohan jumped, then jumped again. “AAH!”

“Stop screaming, it’s me!”

Arms grabbed him, pulling him forward into the living room.

“AAH!”

“Veer!” 

He froze. Rakul’s pinched nose looking down on him, his grip slowly warming the goosebumps on Rohan’s arms. “You scared me!”

“Who else would it be?” Rakul said, frustrated. His fingers were rough, but they were just barely grazing his skin. “Why are you even up?” Rohan bit his lower lip. “Were you crying?” He hadn’t washed his face at all, had barely tried to keep the emotions at bay except for some meager distraction tactics. 

“Why are you up, huh?” his voice wobbled, but he strengthened his stance nonetheless, digging his bare feet into the soft carpet. Rakul’s head tipped. 

“Couldn’t sleep.”

He exhaled. “Me too.”

“Your eyes are puffy, and your clothes are wrinkled. You fell asleep at least, I couldn’t even do that.” Those hands let him go, turning away as Rakul picked up a glass of what looked like orange juice in the light but probably wasn’t. “Don’t worry, I’m only going to drink one glass. I’m not a fan of it, but weirdly it makes me sleepy, not energized.” Rohan waited for the other to once again set the glass down before hugging him. 

A noise of surprise followed, but Rakul wrapped his arms around him. A little stiff it was, but still perfect for Rohan, who pressed his face into the other’s shoulders, eyelids shut so tight that he was sure Rakul could feel it against his t-shirt.

He allowed himself to stay for a few seconds. Rakul didn’t push him at all, just slowly melting into it. Rohan went lax with him, his eyes fluttering open.

“Good night, hope you get some sleep.” He yawned, shuffling back to his bed. 

***

“You need to be there! I don’t know how Raj and Rakul’s meeting is going to go! And I really need bhaiyya’s approval yaar,” 

“What am I going to do there?” Abhi’s annoyance bled through the phone call, stinging Rohan even with the bad signal. “Every time you call me up to spend time it’s always around them and it’s really socially taxing, okay?” 

“Oh,” and what was Rohan supposed to say because it felt like his vision just cleared up. “I’m sorry, that’s kinda shitty of me. Wanna have a boy’s weekend out? Except instead of driving back to my dad’s mansion we’ll probably have to come here. But you’ll still stay over, right? We’ll stay locked up in my room, make it more similar to old times-”

Abhi made a noise and Rohan lamely trailed off. But he meant it. Maybe he just spoke too much now and-

“When are Rakul and your bhaiyya meeting?”

***

God, he hadn’t gotten drunk in so long that he had actually started to dislike alcohol. Now, stumbling out of the club had him whining in Abhi’s arms. “Someone actually stepped on you, we’re not going back in there,” Abhi giggled. Rohan agreed because when faced with such a charming sound, how could he not? He Leaned further into the other man’s chest, letting most of his body weight fall out of control of his own mind. “You’re not that light also,” groaned Abhi. 

“Be a good friend and carry meeee,”

“We have to go on my bike, how do I get you sober?”

“You’re only drunk!” 

Abhi sighed. “That’s true. Now what?”

“Let’s sit down somewhere,” Rohan said, already sliding down. The other’s arms tightened around his waist, jostling him a little to inspire him to maybe start using his legs. No way, he blurrily looked around for an excuse. His gaze caught on a tree. “Let’s go to a park!” He announced, proud. 

“Okay,” Abhi confirmed. Then after a few seconds. “Which park?’

They were stumped.

Fortunately, a bouncer came and shoved them off, pointing them off in a vague direction and saying they were crowding the entrance. “But my motorcycle!” Abhi complained, after they were five minutes away from the establishment. Rohan patted his chest as best as he could, he was sleepy. They finally did find a kid’s playground, and they collapsed on a bench after scanning if it was clean (like they could see in the night). He didn’t hesitate in lying down, placing his head on Abhi’s lap. 

The taller one seemed too out of his mind to object like Rohan imagined he would do so normally. He didn’t know for sure. All of his attempts at physical affection hadn’t been met with outright displeasure, but there was definitely something that shocked the other. “Do you like hugs?” he asked. 

Abhi’s chin dropped against his chest to look down at him. “Who doesn’t?”

So that meant he wouldn’t mind otherwise, because that’s how things worked. His brain spun, there was so much to finish before the next academic year started, so much to do. “I want it like this forever,” he said absentmindedly. “No dean, no homework.” It sounded so petulant of him but Abhi hummed, patting his head, his large hand resting there afterwards as if he was too tired to move it. 

Rohan closed his eyes, letting the warmth seep into it. 

“Are you sleeping? Don’t sleep!”

“I’m not, I’m just closing my eyes.” 

“Wait,” Abhi removed his hand to grab his phone from his pocket, leaving Rohan hissing in annoyance. “I’m going to search up how to get sober so we can go back.” His eyebrows screwed together as he squinted at the words on the phone, the blue light making his skin almost glow. “Water? Okay,” 

“Where the fuck did you get that from?” Rohan asked. 

“Stole it,” shrugged Abhi, gulping down the plastic bottle, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. Rohan snapped his eyes shut again. 

“Nap,” he said stubbornly. 

From above, came Abhi’s scratchy voice. “I’ll set an alarm.”

Rohan didn’t know how long he slept for, but when he woke up, Abhi was significantly more in control. He’d never realized how tense the other’s features were normally except when he blinked and Abhi’s face was as sharp as a broken piece of glass. His hand reached out to smoothen it, but the other caught it before, raising an eyebrow at him. However, his jaw had relaxed, so there was at least some progress. “Let’s go,” Abhi hauled him into a sitting position, away from him. 

Rohan wasn’t as drunk as he was tired now, and his limbs still wouldn’t listen to him. Stupid legs. And Abhi wasn’t helping! Sure, he kept a hold of Rohan’s bicep to guide him, right where his tattoo was beneath the white shirt, but what if Rohan tripped? He couldn’t trust his feet to step properly. It was so hard too! It felt like he was sludging through the aftermath of a Mumbai flood. He only pouted to show his displeasure, Abhi should know by that only. Except the latter didn’t even turn back to look at him. Which only made him more angry. All the way till the parking lot where Abhi’s bike stood. “Will you be able to hold on?” the taller man questioned. How condescending.

“Of course I will.” Rohan snarked. He swung his leg over the back seat and then slid down to the tail of the bike, leaning back until Abhi had to prop him up using his hands. Red-faced, he felt Abhi try to stifle a laugh, very unsuccessfully. 

“Shuffle up to the top,” said Abhi, his short breaths giving away the continued repression of laughter. He settled behind Rohan, arms encircling his waist to get to the handle, chest pressing against his back. Rohan was hating how many times tonight he’d used the word warm to describe himself. The wind whipped his short hair back, grateful for the cooling air, he let out a whoop as they continued driving. Abhi laughed, he kept coming closer and closer, presumably to drive safer. Halfway through, it was like they were one entity given how there was no space at all left between them, no part of Rohan that wasn’t in humid contact with Abhi. 

When he opened his mouth, barely any sound slipped out, but even the softest crescendoed into an exhilarating yell. 

Rohan never wanted to leave. 

Alas, they reached after what seemed like a lifetime. Still, it was too soon. “Come on, you have keys, right?” Rohan absently nodded, shivering as he exited. He tossed the keys to Abhi and hurriedly shoved his hands inside his pockets again. 

They were shushing each other when they entered, but they’re giggles were still echoing. He wished Rakul had managed to fall asleep for once, or maybe he was already awake so they wouldn’t disturb him. Miraculously, they managed to make it inside Rohan’s appointed room and shut the door before dissolving into barely-concealed laughter. Abhi glided down to the floor with his back against the wall while Rohan’s knees made abrupt contact with the carpet. “Shush,” he said, snorting. 

After about ten minutes of them trying to catch their breath as if they’d ran a marathon, Rohan hauled himself onto the bed. “Are we going to sleep?” 

“No,” said Abhi, who too collapsed on the other side of the mattress. “I’m so sad these days. The internship is good, I’m not fighting with you and Shanaya anymore. I feel like something’s ripped inside of me but I can’t even find the tear so how am I supposed to sew it back together?” He usually hated talking about ‘emotions or feelings or whatever’, in his words. Still, he didn’t look at Rohan, he may say it out loud, but he would never admit it later. This meant it wasn’t true, as if Rohan was dumb enough to believe that. 

Rohan tentatively spoke. “That sounds like grief?” 

“No one’s here to unconditionally love me anymore,” his voice cracked. In the darkness, nothing was visible, but when Rohan put his hand over Abhi’s, he could feel it shaking even against the soft blanket. “I’ll do one thing and lose everything.”

“You won’t lose me,” Rohan promised. 

“I almost did.”

His neck lolled towards the other. “But you didn’t.” He said. It wasn’t the same. Abhi twitched next to him, he tugged on the man’s hand. “No matter what happens, it might take time, it might take ten years or whatever. But you’ll never lose me forever .” He shouldn’t be making promises he wasn’t sure he could keep, but he wholly wanted to keep them. Abhi’s fingers twisted into his, a silent acknowledgement. Rohan wondered if he’d just made it worse or not. 

But after a while, Abhi had become still, the outline of his wide mouth confirming his sleep. He wouldn’t be asleep if he was still thinking. Rohan’s job was done. His eyelids were too closed, and he curled a little tighter to keep chasing that warmth. 

***

“You guys slept alone in a park? Veer!”

Rohan grinned sheepishly, but Rakul didn’t seem amused, still pacing around despite the fact it had been three days. He stopped for a moment to sigh. 

“I feel like you’re my child sometimes or something. I’m too young for this.”

“Ew, you can’t say that with the way you and Shanaya have been talking lately.”

Rakul looked at him from over the top of his glasses, hard brown eyes.

Rohan ran.

***

It was unnerving the way Rakul and Raj got along. The latter’s disapproval shined through, but Rohan was sure that if it weren’t him, they would’ve been close friends. They both had similar opinions, though Rakul was much more practical than Raj was, and less petty but he held a grudge for long. As demonstrated by how he ranted about that one classmate in twelfth who’d told him that he probably bought his grades. (Rohan knew for a fact that wasn’t true, because Rakul’s older brother would always complain about how much time the other one spent studying). 

At the end, Raj didn’t even glance at his room when he was in it, speaking about his host instead. “Rakul’s older brother isn’t into good stuff, Veer. You should be careful.”

“How do you know?”

He crossed his arms, levelling his gaze on Rohan. The younger one didn't relent, he was tired . “No, I don’t get it. You disappear, you know so much about people who are into shady things, and whatever’s going on between you and Meera-ji. What do you do ?”

“Veer,” the warning signal blasted in his mind. “I’m a mechanic, and that’s what I am.”

“There’s clearly something else going on!”

Raj gritted his teeth. “Please, Veer. I’m worried about you. How do I communicate with you when you don’t with me? I don’t even know why you’re not staying with me!”

The windows are closed, the door is closed, and Rohan can’t breathe. “That’s because you cut me off for a month! Do you know how it felt? I was so alone. No Abhi, no Shanaya, and everyone else was just barely tolerating me. It felt like you were done with me too. Why would I want to trouble you more by living with you?” A thick veil of silence blanketed them, and he could feel it on his taut muscles, pulling him down.

His mother was right, he’d always been a type of emotional guy. He’d always say what was troubling him eventually, and everyone else would be concerned at first, but after a while, when they’d gotten used to it like Raj would’ve, they’d become immune. Desensitized.

Now he truly realized it. No expectations. How was one supposed to respond to what he’d said?

The shivers that crawled down his skin barely made a difference because he was sweating anyway. Pinpricks of it condensing on the back of his neck, the crook of his elbow. Only able to look as Raj moved. The elder pushed aside one of the comforters on the bed, then, just barely touching Rohan’s elbow, guided the both of them to that spot. This bedroom had seen so much, thought Rohan, dazedly. 

“Veer,” started Raj, voice wavering like his hands now. Or maybe Rohan hadn’t realized how much the other had been shaking before, because of how unsteady he only felt. “How could you think that?”

“I don’t know.” He turned his face, mouth contorting. Not now. He couldn’t cry now. 

Raj pulled him back, weight pressing on his shoulders. In a flash, Rohan was a kid again, running into his older brother’s arms because he wanted to leave his close family and never go back. Each time, he’d be denied, with heavy hearts on both sides. Rohan shuffled even closer, his face tightly wound on Raj’s arm, the latter’s hand on his head to make sure he didn’t run away. Like he always did before. 

“How could you think that?” Raj whispered again, laying his cheek on top of Rohan’s hair. Regret was weeping out of him. 

***

The jitters came with great warning, in fact, Rohan had felt them crescendo all day. He was so excited he was anxious that he was too happy. The garden was empty, mainly because it existed behind the warehouse of a very scary individual who just happened to be the economics teacher of Rohan and Abhi. And who he knew was on vacation currently (living it up in Sweden), not ready to swing a stick at anybody passing by his makeshift ‘house’. The man had managed to put up lights outside though, and Rohan was sure that he used this as a place to host dates for the psychology teacher. 

Sneaking in hadn’t been hard, no one was home. Turning on the lights though had been a task, he’d never been good with physics and he was pretty sure he almost burnt something when he was tinkering with the main power box. 

He’d bought two lawn chairs also, and a picnic blanket which he’d spread out in the middle. Then he’d spread out a bag of snacks and drinks. 

Abhi had said that back home, they’d go to any empty glade and sit down and stare at the sky and he’d feel okay. Finding an empty space would take much longer in this city, however sparsely populated it was in most areas. This was the most he could on short notice, since they’d gone out clubbing one week before. Which really wasn’t a sustainable way to hang out because Rohan was discovering that maybe spending 8000 rupees out on drinks and going to different places didn’t fit his current budget. 

His ears perked as branches crunched. Abhi huffed his way over the bushes, white collar shirt unbuttoned a little too much to be professional and a black jacket slung over his elbow, matching black tie loosened, hanging over his torso. 

“Hey!” Rohan waved, grinning widely. He pointed to his set up. “Picnic.”

Maybe he should’ve given the other guy a warning, because Abhi was frozen. His eyes kept darting in between the various parts of the lawn, before finally settling on Rohan. There was something there which made the lights dim in the background. Finally, he tentatively spoke. “Any… Reason?”

Once again, Rohan couldn’t keep the pride out of his face. “You said picnics made you feel better,” Then, a little embarrassed, tacked on “Thought I’d try it too.” Abhi dropped his backpack next to the blanket, surveying the area once again. It wasn’t scrutinizing, but the shorter one suddenly resided in the middle of the ocean, not the lake he’d assumed. He waited for Abhi to approach him, whose lips slightly parted and his hair was brushing across his forehead like it didn’t have the life to hold itself up anymore.

Abhi didn’t say anything, he stared at Rohan for a bit before grabbing his wrist, slowly rubbing his thumb over it and pulling him down to the carpet. 

Their backs’ hit the cushion of the grass, hands still intertwined together.