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English
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Published:
2022-07-05
Updated:
2022-07-06
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3,768
Chapters:
2/?
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17
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Hate Myself

Summary:

Maybe one day, I'll understand why.

Chapter 1

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I was maybe 3 when it started. When my before peaceful family shattered. It was 2 A.M. I was up because of the yelling going on downstairs. I overheard my mom, father, and sisters yelling at each other. The arguing would start around 1 a.m. and would happen for hours. For me, it was another typical night.
This night, I heard glass shattering and crying. I listened to the downstairs door slamming and someone running up the stairs. Mom burst threw my bedroom door and made her way to me.
"Everything will be alright, my love."
She went to my closet and grabbed a bag, throwing clothes, toys, and other things I couldn't make out in the bag. She zipped the bag and threw it over her shoulder.
She wrapped me up in my comforter and gave me my stuffed dinosaur. I rested my head on her shoulder. She grabbed me a pair of shoes and ran out my bedroom door, slamming it behind her.
Walking past my father, I saw him with multiple beer bottles and him bawling his eyes out. When he saw me, his eyes went huge. I was so confused and terrified.
"YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM FROM ME."
"I CAN IF I WANT. NATE IS MY FUCKING CHILD. I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM. I WILL TAKE HIM IF I PLEASE."
"Listen to me, Nate. Daddy loves you, and I always will. Don't forget that. Ever."
I was so confused, scared, and exhausted that I cried. I was reaching for my father when mama smacked my thigh cause I did that.
"Ow, mama. That hurts." I whispered.
She continued walking towards the front door. She opened it, turned around, ripped the wedding ring off her finger, and threw it at my dad's face.
“WE ARE OVER!” she screamed, scaring me even more.
She ran out towards the car, slamming the front door behind her. She threw the backseat door open, placed me in my car seat, and buckled me up. She made her way towards the driver's seat and started the car. She was driving out of the driveway.
Little did I know, this would be the end of a great stretch and the start of a life filled with twists and turns.
✸Years Later✸
I'm 15 now. Me and my mother's boyfriend live in a small brick house in Chicago. I see my father maybe once a year, and my sister calls me often. My mom's boyfriend insists I call him "Dad" and nothing else. If I do something I'm not supposed to or look at him wrong, he will put me in the corner for a few hours, then take me downstairs to the basement to beat me till I scream and cry. Mom knew about it, but she didn't help me. She just let it happen.
After that night, all those years ago. My father became an alcoholic, my mom became addicted to pills, and I was abused often. Mom used to always "comfort" me after beatings and regularly supplied me with stuff to take care of my cuts and bruises at home, but she never helped stop them.
One day, though, she never came home from ‘work.’ After that day, the beatings got more alarming to the point where I started getting blacking out. School is the only safe place for me. I have friends, and I play basketball. My sisters send me money regularly to have money for meals and other things.
One way I've learned to cope is through self-harm. It's not healthy in the slightest, but it works. I cut on my upper thighs and my wrists. I usually wear long sleeves, but I keep many bracelets, hair ties, and rubber bands on my wrists—anything I can find to keep them covered. I typically wear long black or grey shirts, black ripped jeans, my Timberland boots, and a black hat. I have a few pieces of colored clothing, but I hardly ever wear them.
Another way I learned to cope is by writing music. I have notebooks that I always write in. I use a karaoke machine to make beats for my music. Music has helped me so much. It’s probably one of the only reasons I’m still here.
One day I was walking home from school with my friend Justin. We always passed a firehouse on our way home, and this day was no different. Walking home, we passed the firehouse when I accidentally ran into somebody. Startled, I look up to see Nick and Jake staring back at me. The two bullies of our school.
Luckily, they didn't have their entire gang with them.
"Well, Well, Well. What do we have here? The two boyfriends walking home together, huh?" Nick said, sneering at us.
"Leave us alone, Nick," I replied in a bored tone.
"Oh, does little Nathan think he can catch an attitude with us?" Jake said in a sickeningly sweet tone. "Guess we will have to teach you a lesson."
I went to respond when a fist connected with my jaw. I was so surprised by the punch that I stumbled backward.
"WHAT THE HELL!" Justin yelled.
He was gaining the attention of some firefighters from the firehouse. After Justin yelled, the firefighters seemed invested in what was happening. Nick came over to me and grabbed me by my wrist. Tears stung my eyes as he was grasping hard at a cut, and I could feel it reopening. He leaned in and whispered in my ear.
"You're lucky those firefighters are looking. You would be worse now if it weren't for them." He then quickly let go, pushing me back a little and causing me to hit the ground. He then walked away, with Jake following him.
Justin bent down in front of me and wiped a tear off my cheek that must have escaped without me noticing; he outstretched his hand waiting for me to grab it. I went to grab his hand, and Justin stopped, with his face going pale.
"Nate, Your sleeve. It's SOAKED in blood."
"It's fine, JJ. Just leave it."
"IT'S FINE? WHAT PART OF THIS IS FINE." He yelled at me, causing me to flinch.
"Excuse me."
A voice said, causing both of our heads to snap in that direction.
"I couldn't help but overhear what just happened, and by the looks of it, it wasn't okay. So if both of you could please come here so we could talk, and I could check you over, that would be great."
A sweet lady said. She wore a "Firehouse 51" shirt with a paramedic symbol. I and Justin both looked at each other, and he agreed. He began walking towards the firehouse.
I knew she had seen the blood and my jaw. I couldn't risk people finding out my secret.
So I did the only logical thing to do, and that was to run. I ran straight home. I was ditching Justin. My legs hurt so severely from sprinting that I thought they would give out. By the time I made it home, my head was pounding, and so was my heart.
I reached into my back pocket to pull out my iPhone 13 to check the time. I realized I was 30 minutes late home. That meant only one thing. "Dad" was here. I'd be receiving a beating the second I walk through that door.
Slipping my phone back into my back pocket, I walked to the front door. I carefully opened the front door, stepping into the house. Checking to ensure the coast is clear, I quickly shut the door behind me, slipping my shoes off and dropping my backpack on the floor.
“Look what the cat dragged in.” Dad sneered.
“Oh, hey, dad! I, uh, didn’t see you there.” I said, stuttering.
“Sure you didn’t. I'm going to give you 5 minutes. By then, I expect you to be in the corner in a shirt and underwear. Anything else, it will be worse.
“Yes, of course, dad. I’m sorry.” I answered quickly. I was keeping my head down.
Racing to my room, I quickly grab my phone out of my back pocket and text, ‘I love you.’ To a bunch of friends and family. I put my phone on the charger, throw my socks off, slip off my jeans, take all my bracelets off, and throw them all to the side, including my hat and jacket.
I go back downstairs to the living room, next to the black couch, and sit in the corner with my legs drawn up into my chest. I still have about maybe a minute.
So I let myself slip into a place where I feel nothing. I don’t know how or why I do this, but it helps. I can’t feel anything while stuff is happening. It’s like I'm in my own world. I stay in the place till I felt tingly. That’s how I know the beating is over, and I need to get cleaned up.

Notes:

You can find me on Wattpad at Nell_O1233 :)
Feel free to leave critiques cause this is the first book I've written in a while.

Chapter 2: Is This It?

Summary:

Nate contemplates suicide, and his dad catches him. His dad decides he needs a break from Nathan, so he leaves for a few days. Nate takes that as a chance and attempts. Who Knows if he succeeded.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Would anyone care?” I whispered, staring down at the gun in my hands.
Tears stream down my face as I face reality.
“You’re a nobody, Nathan. You’ll just be another ‘victim.’ It won’t matter. Who would miss you, Nate? You’ll just relieve people of the burden you put on them.” The voice whispered.
“You're right,” I whispered back.
I was holding the gun up to my head, ready to end it all. Before I could go any further, I heard the door slam open. Startled, I dropped the gun.
“Nathan? Why do you have a gun? What are you doing?” Dad questioned.
I didn’t respond. I just stared at the floor, suddenly finding it fascinating.
“You were going to kill yourself, weren’t you?” He questioned.
Dad walked over to me and grabbed the gun off the floor.
“Too much of a pussy, weren’t you?” He asked, holding the gun up to my head.
“Dad….Please, don’t.” I whispered.
He continued holding the gun to my head for a few more seconds. Those seconds felt like years, as I was silently praying. Finally, Finally, he took the gun away from my head and walked away from me.
“I’m leaving for a couple of days. You should be grateful, Nate, that I even give you a roof over your head, you ungrateful brat.” As he walks out, he slams my bedroom door behind him, taking the gun with him.
I sat on my bed for a minute, trying to process what had happened. I heard the front door close, and the car started. Hearing my phone go off, I grab my phone and see I have an incoming call from my sister Katie.
“Hey, Katie,” I mumble into the phone.
“Nathan…I have some bad news.” She cries into the phone
“What? What happened? Are you okay?” I question. As a million scenarios start racing through my head.
“No. I’m so sorry, bud, so, so, sorry.” She cried.
“What, please just tell me,” I say, breathing, picking up.
“Ariana, she…she committed suicide.” She sobbed.
“W-What? No, you’re joking. This is just some sick joke, right?”
“I’m sorry, Nathan, I really am.”
“ARI TOLD ME WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER. TOGETHER. SHE WOULDN’T LIE TO ME LIKE THAT. SHE WOULDN’T LEAVE ME LIKE THAT. SHE PROMISED ME.” I sobbed, feeling sick to my stomach.
“I-I gotta go. I’ll call you later. Bye, Kate. I love you.” I hung up.
Tears were pouring down my face, and my mind was racing. I started pacing my room. It was suddenly becoming too hot.
“NO. NO. NO. PLEASE. GOD NO. NOT ARI. NOT MY SISTER. PLEASE.” I sobbed, falling to my knees.
“She promised. She swore. She pinky promised. This-This can’t be happening. Please. Please, be a nightmare. Please.” I begged nobody.
I lay on the ground for a few hours. Sobbing and begging for this all the be a dream or some sick joke. But that news never came. It was real. Ariana was gone. My sister. Dead. I now have to live with it. But I can’t. I can’t deal with it. I can’t. I just can't.
Realizing what I need to do, I pick myself up and make my way to the kitchen with my phone tightly grasped in my hand. Finding many bottles of alcohol, and lots of pills, that I couldn’t pronounce the name of if I wanted to.
I started sobbing even more.
With a bottle opener, I started popping open a bottle. I put the bottle opener down and started chugging the alcohol. It burned. It burned so bad. But I ignored it. With my eyes watering, I finished the bottle leaving a bit to take the pills with.
Grabbing a pill bottle, I quickly opened them and dumped some into my hand. Shoving the pills in my mouth, I chugged more of the alcohol. I repeated the same thing repeatedly until the pill bottle was empty. I set both bottles down and started pacing the kitchen.
‘Oh no. What did I do? Wait, no, I don’t want to die yet. What? What do I do?’
I noticed my phone on the counter, and reaching for it, I quickly dialed 911.
It rang for a second. Then someone picked up.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“I-I messed up,” I said into the phone. My voice cracked.
“What did you? I need you to tell me so I can help.”
“I-I-I overdosed, but I’m not ready to die yet. I was just-just.” My voice broke as I sobbed.
“Okay, calm down. Tell me the address, please.”
“Yea-Yeah. It’s uh-It’s 1347 Chicago Wells Rode. Please, hurry, I’m not ready. I don’t know why I did it. I’m sorry. Please.”
“Hey, I need you to breathe, yea? Help is on the way, Their 5 minutes out. Can you tell me your name?”
“N-Nathan, Nathan Feurstein.”
“That’s a great name, Nathan. How old are you?”
“15.”
“When’s your birthday?”
“March 30th, 2007.”
“Alright, Nate, do you hear sirens?”
“I-I think. Yea, Yea, I do. I-I think I see things.”
“Nathan, I need you to do something for me.”
I-I can’t.” I whisper, collapsing on the floor, my phone flying out of my hand.
I whimper as I hit the ground, my head throbbing.
“Nathan?! Nate! Can you hear me?! Help Is There. Stay with me!”
“H-hear you. I’s do.” I mumble as my eyes get heavy.
I hear a pounding on the door. Then a loud crash and people rushed inside, making me scared. I slowly curl into a bawl and try and close my eyes to stop the pounding in my head.
“NATHAN!” Someone yells, making me yelp.
“I FOUND HIM!” That same person yelled.
She grabbed my shoulder, forcing me onto my back. She started shining a light on my eyes, and I felt my jacket shoved off me and my shirt cut open.
“Ughhh.” I moan, feeling horrible.
“Hey bud, I’m Sylvie, and this is Gabby. Could you stay with us? I know you can do it. So come on.
“Mk. I try.” I muttered.
“I-I think I take a nap. I be back. Mhmm.” I muttered again. I’m clearly not thinking straight.
“No-No, Nathan. Come on, buddy.” I heard as I let my eyes shut, and my vision was going to complete blackness.
~Sylvie’s Point of view~
I saw Nate’s eyes shut and looked up to Gabby. We held eye contact for a second before jumping into action. I checked for a pulse but couldn’t feel it. I began chest compressions as gabby began hooking the kid up to the AED.
I counted to 16 before Gabby called clear. Taking my hands off of him for a moment, his chest bounced up, but his pulse didn’t change. I began chest compressions again. Gabby was shoving a drip into his arm and running lots of fluids threw it.
“Clear!” Gabby called.
I took my hands off his chest. Seconds later, his chest bounced up. This time, his pulse started coming back. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I placed an oxygen mask on his face and helped Gabby pack up and load him into the ambo.
Feeling as though I had a connection with this kid, I decided I would hop in the back of the ambo with him while Gabby drove. I heard the sirens blaring as I stared at the kid. He just looked so familiar. That’s when it hit. He was the kid that got punched in the jaw right outside the fire station.
“Oh my god,” I whispered.
Deciding to see if he had any more injuries, I took the rest of his shirt off of him. That’s when I noticed the bruises. They were everywhere along his neck, chest, stomach, and arms. Some were fresh, and some were new. I also noticed bandages—bloody bandages on his wrist and abdomen.
I carefully took the bandages off of him. I gasped when I saw the cuts. They were huge, and some seemed to be infected. The ones on his wrists looked like self-harming cuts, and the ones on his stomach looked like they came from a belt. I began quickly cleaning the cuts and wrapping them in new bandages. Deciding to see if he had any more wounds, I took the scissors and cut off his jeans quickly.
“This poor boy,” I muttered, looking at his legs in horror.
He had a lot of self-harming cuts along his thighs. He had belt marks on his knees and shins. Along with large amounts of bruises on his thighs in the shape of hand prints.
“How far?” I asked Gabby
“3 minutes out. Everything good back there?”
“Uh-Maybe.”
I didn’t get a reply after that. I made quick work of cleaning and disinfecting the cuts on his thighs. Done with that, I draped a blanket along his legs to give him a bit of privacy.
“Mmm.” I heard Nathan stirring.
“Nathan? Can you hear me?” I questioned
“Uh-huh.” I saw his teary blue eyes staring back into mine.
“Is this it?” He asked, sounding scared.
“No, Nate, you’ll be okay, bud,” I said reassuringly
He reached for my hand. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it comfortingly.
“Stay with me?” He asked sweetly.
“Of course,” I replied without thinking.
I held onto his tiny hand, feeling like I needed to be with him.
“You’re going to be alright. I’ll be here with you. You’ll be okay.” I whispered reassuringly.
As his eyes started closing, his grip on my hand grew tighter. Seconds later, he was out, his grip loosened, but it was still there. You could tell the petite 15-year-old boy was searching for comfort. I, for some reason, felt a strong urge to protect the boy and be there for him. I silently made a promise to him that I would.
“Here!” Gabby yelled, breaking me from the moment I just had.
The ambo doors flew open, and Gabby helped me wheel him into the ED.
“What do we got!” Maggie yelled as the doctors and nurses swarmed us.
“Nathan Feuerstein, a 15-year-old male. He admitted it to be a suicide attempt. He overdosed on what we believed were antidepressants and alcohol.” Gabby replied.
“He also has many cuts and bruises, some bruises in the shape of handprints, and some cuts that look like lashes from a belt, along with some reductions looking to be self-harm,” I added after Gabby.
We helped transfer the small boy into the hospital bed and let the doctors take over. We walked out of the room, closing the curtains behind us. I made my way over to the counter, laying my head down.
“Brett? Are you okay?” Gabby asked worriedly, coming over towards me.
“No, No, I’m not. T-the poor boy Gabby, he’s 15. He’s tiny. I-I feel the need to protect him, and I don’t know why, and just seeing him like that made me angry and sad at the same time... I-I don’t know what to do. I need to be here for him. I need to be here, Gabby.” I replied, my voice cracking.
“Then be here for him, Sylvie. I’ll be here with you. By the time we get back to the station, the shift will be over, I’ll get Stella to come with us, and we will come back here to med, and we will wait for an update. Yea?”
“Y-you don’t have to do that for me, Gabby. I can be here alone,” I said, not wanting to be selfish.
“No, we're in this together. We’re family.” She said determinedly.
“Okay,” I muttered, looking sadly at her.
She smiled and motioned for me to come along. We made our way to the ambo. Jumping in the front passenger seat, she started the ambo. We pulled out of the hospital, with her holding my hand reassuringly.
~Time skip.~
Finally pulling into the station, I quickly got out of the ambo heading inside.
“Hey! Brett, Dawson. We heard what happened. Are Y’all okay?” Herrman asked worriedly.
“Y-yeah, just…a bit shook,” I replied.
“C’mon, Sylvie. Let’s find Stella and get out of here.”
“Alright.”
~Time Skip~
“Excuses me, do you know where we can find a patient, Nathan Feuerstein.”
“Yes, ma’am. What’s your connection with him?”
“We are the paramedics that helped him and just wanted to chat with him for a little bit.”
She looked over the desk at us for a few seconds before a sad smile graced her lips.
“Y’all are the only ones that have visited him since he’s been here. We reached out to a few of his relatives, but they seem to have not cared.”
“Seriously?” I asked confusedly, suddenly feeling even worse for the boy.
“Yes. His room number is 313. Be gentle with him, yea?”
“Okay, thank you.”
“No problem, honey.”
I, Gabby, and Stella started making our way to his room,
“What’s his name again?” Stella asked us.
“Nathan Feuerstein.” I Gabby replied.
“So what happened with him?” Stella asked again.
“He attempted suicide and came close to succeeding, and from what Sylvie said, it seems he’s been struggling for a while. He has what she thinks are self-harm cuts on his thighs and wrist. He also has bruises in the shape of hand prints and lashes from what looks like a belt.” Gabby whispered.
“My God,” Stella said surprisingly.
“Here’s his room,” I said quietly.
I knocked on the door three times, and a few seconds later, I heard a soft
“Come in.”

Notes:

Again this is the first book I've written in a while, so feel free to leave critiques.
This took me forever, so please, feel free to like it!
You can also find me on Wattpad at Nell_O1233
Thank you!