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Chapter Text

3 months after the mission in Bahrain

“Coulson, May just went down. She’s out cold. Basement room 3,” reported Natasha Romanov urgently over the phone.

As soon as he heard those words, Phil Coulson stood up and walked quickly out of the meeting he was in. Completely unheeding of the fact that his abrupt departure forced Maria Hill to stifle a curse and hastily cover for him. He headed down as fast as he could without quite resorting to a sprint down the corridors of the Triskellion. His heart was hammering in his chest while his brain was frantically trying to figure out what might have happened. It would take a massive effort to take Melinda May out even though she had been away from field work for a few months. There was no way that Natasha would have intentionally hurt her former mentor though she was one of the few who could, but maybe she had misjudged a blow while they were sparring?

Phil’s heart convulsed when he caught sight of how pale Melinda was, with her head cradled in Natasha’s lap on the floor. Natasha held a limp wrist, measuring her pulse and speaking softly in Russian to her friend. Phil tried to remember to breath himself as he noted the rise and fall of her chest, indicating that Melinda was breathing just fine by herself. But then why was she still lying there unresponsive?

“She would hate it if I got her to medical for no good reason so I called you first. Her pulse rate is normal though feels a little weak. She could be dehydrated. We were sparring as usual and she’d ducked low with a kick then she was suddenly on the floor. She hasn’t sustained any significant hits because we’ve kept our sparring contact to taps,” stated Natasha as Phil rushed over to them worriedly.

“We should get her to medical and find out what’s wrong. How long has she been out, Nat? Are you sure you didn’t underestimate a blow or something like that?” queried Phil, barely glancing at Natasha as his eyes scanned his partner’s form while his hands gently reached out to examine her and transfer her to his hold.

Natasha rolled her eyes at his words but refrained from a biting retort. She was confident in her skills and knew that he was extremely concerned about May as usual. Coulson had always been protective of his partner but since their ill-fated mission to Bahrain, Phil Coulson had become even more zealously overprotective of Melinda May with good reason. Everyone could tell that Agent May had not returned whole from whatever demons she had encountered there. Physically she had also been a mess but those wounds had since healed. The depth of darkness now present in her eyes was akin to something that Natasha Romanov had prior experience with and she remembered seeing that look reflected in the mirror in her own stare. It had only been a few months and dealing with it would probably take years. Natasha didn’t have any useful words to say but managed to convey her empathy. Melinda May did not talk much at all since she had returned but would more often than not accept an invitation to spar with Natasha when she was around. It was a recurring point of contact with a friend. These days, Melinda May had very limited contact with other people.

Natasha alerted the team in the infirmary and told them what she could as Coulson stood up carrying May. She knew better than to try to ask him to wait for the team to come with a stretcher. He wouldn’t let anyone else carry her anyway and the medical team would have to work around him or forcibly eject him from Melinda’s side if that was needed. She walked with them and people scattered out of their way. Coulson seemed to carry May effortlessly with long determined strides.

As expected, Coulson stayed close and kept hold of May’s hand after setting her down in the infirmary bed. Natasha stayed close to a wall and watched as the medical staff got on with attaching monitors and doing what needed to be done. They didn’t try to get Coulson to leave. Natasha mused about being told about what had happened when they had made him leave her bedside. Melinda had woken up in full fight mode from sedation, nearly causing herself much more harm, injuring several medical staff members and damaging quite a lot of equipment nearby. Phil Coulson had to be urgently called in at some ungodly hour to calm her down. Melinda’s husband, Andrew Garner probably didn’t have the clearance to be brought in then though Natasha wondered if he would have been able to resolve the situation as well as her partner. Coulson and May had been through a lot together with SHIELD. Also now that Melinda and Andrew were separated, Phil was the only option.

Her phone rang and Natasha stepped away to talk to her partner. Clint called to tell her that Maria Hill was livid with Phil Coulson and out for his blood for running out on a very important meeting. While on the phone, Natasha was still avidly keeping an eye on the partners in the infirmary and noted the relief on Phil Coulson’s face as Melinda May began to regain consciousness. Natasha told Clint what she knew about the situation and Clint immediately wanted to come to check on May. Natasha told him not to as she saw Melinda waking up with Phil attentively beside her. There were no signs of urgency or alarm from the medical staff and so Natasha concluded that Melinda would be fine. She knew that Melinda definitely wouldn’t appreciate people crowding about her and so Natasha decided to leave and check up on her later.

***

There was a soft knock on the door before it quietly opened. Melinda May was alert but not startled as she looked towards the figure who entered her room silently at 2 am in the morning. A little light spilled in from the corridor while the door was open. She lay still and didn’t say anything as the woman leaned against the wall next to her bed in the dark. Natasha knew that Melinda was awake. She had somehow sensed that May might need a friend right now. Usually that would be Phil Coulson’s role. But for some reason, he had driven off in Lola at around midnight with an expression that Natasha had never seen on his face before and couldn’t decipher. Natasha was surprised a few minutes later when Melinda spoke first, saying softly in a voice devoid of emotion, “I’m pregnant, Nat.”

Natasha stayed silent, noting the use of a nickname which was an infrequent occasion with her mind racing to process this piece of information and waited. There were now many obvious reasons why this news was a torment rather than a delight for her friend. Yet there was another factor lurking beneath the surface that Natasha felt compelled to uncover. There was a taut, stifling tension felt in the room. She let out a breath and asked, “Why did Coulson take off, Mel?”

The silence in the room continued for several long minutes but Natasha could wait comfortably, using the time to plan and anticipate when the situation called for it. While waiting for her friend’s reply, Natasha realized that she was certain Melinda knew the answer to her question. Her memory supplied flashes of snippets of conversation and impressions which coalesced to form a plausible hypothesis.

Melinda and Natasha had traded confidences as close friends in a world where there were few other women who would understand any of what they considered normal in their daily lives. Natasha knew that Melinda had always wanted and planned to have a family of her own. It could sometimes be a difficult subject to touch on for Natasha considering her own circumstances. But Natasha silently wished her friend all the very best in in her mind when she got the impression nearly a year ago that Melinda and Andrew were seriously trying to conceive. From what Natasha observed, there had probably been some hindrances though she was not privy to any details. It was a personal matter for May and her husband. Yet her mind ruthlessly picked out the stray comments she had heard and casual information she had absorbed along the way then combined it all. Natasha was appalled at what her mind could come up with in conclusion but her instincts screamed that she was on the right path.

“Because he’s the father,” admitted Melinda and now Natasha could hear the inflection of pain and misery in her voice. Natasha understood quite a lot of everything else that she couldn’t say out loud. With everything else that Melinda was dealing with now from the fallout post Bahrain, the act of conceiving this baby would have been a desperate grasp for human comfort in the midst of a hellish situation but a blatant betrayal of her marriage vows. Melinda May had always strived to fulfill her vows and now there was tangible evidence that she had failed in this too. In other circumstances, a pregnancy would have been her saving grace to help guide her back to sanity. But now the whole situation was a rather macabre, twisted tragedy.

Natasha sat down by the bed and reached for her friend’s hand. Melinda grasped her hand as she cried softly in the night.

Chapter Text

4 months post Bahrain

“Good afternoon, Dr Garner. Thank you for agreeing to meet me at the end of your day. Please take a seat,” said Phil Coulson formally as he stood up, adjusting his tie slightly and they shook hands.

Andrew Garner looked at the man he considered a friend. This man was his wife’s notoriously straight-laced partner and he was usually the epitome of calm and collected. However, today there was a hint of nervous uncertainty about his demeanour. Andrew frowned as he sat down, warily saying, “It’s only been a couple of months and last I remember we were on a first name basis, Agent Coulson.”

They had met up at the same coffee shop two months ago which was a few blocks from Andrew’s office. That was when Melinda had requested that Phil hand over the divorce papers to him. Andrew hadn’t been too surprised when he saw Phil Coulson then instead of Melinda May. He had always known that Phil would do anything for his partner.

Phil looked directly at Andrew with a suspiciously blank expression. Phil’s mind inadvertently flashed back to the memory of the night he and Melinda were informed about the unintended consequence of their post mission actions in the Bahrain. Even then the horrible realization that someone would have to tell Andrew had stolen up on him. Despite that, it had taken nearly a month for Coulson to be able to face up to the task but he knew that it was his responsibility. Melinda was clearly not up to it yet. Andrew was his friend and technically still her husband. He deserved to hear the truth from one of them and the longer they waited the greater the risk became of him hearing it from another source.

As Phil opened his mouth to speak, Andrew instinctively knew that his next words would cause even more devastation to his already significantly shattered world. Why else would his wife’s partner demand to meet up to talk to him in person instead of conveying whatever he needed to say over the phone? He wasn’t sure if he could stand more painful news about Melinda. They hadn’t spoken since the day she left even though he had tried his best to get in touch with her. Melinda had refused to answer his calls at all even when he had spoken to her mother to plead on his behalf.

“How is she?” cut in Andrew, before Phil managed to say anything. They both knew who he was taking about. Their friendship mainly existed because of their individual close relationships to Melinda May.

Phil stopped, took a deep breath and slowly answered, “Melinda is physically doing okay but as you can probably imagine, otherwise not great. Thank you for coming here today, Andrew because now there’s something else that has come up which is tied to the events that happened in Bahrain. I really felt that you needed to hear about the facts from me personally rather than from someone else.”

There were millions of terrible things that Andrew could imagine being told about the woman who was still technically his wife even though they were now separated. She had left him over 3 months ago, two weeks after she returned from that doomed mission in Bahrain that had eviscerated their happiness. Melinda’s application for the divorce cited personal faults and failings on her part and he couldn’t even get to talk to her much less have any chance with contesting it. The only thing that he could do was hold on to the papers. He had not signed or filed them yet after reading through them. Andrew knew that he still loved his wife and he didn’t want to let her go.

Andrew braced himself for whatever fresh horror he needed to be informed about as he shoved the thought of those papers away desperately. He simply couldn’t have heard right when Phil told him that Melinda May was pregnant and already into her second trimester. His wide-eyed expression must have been incredibly easy to interpret because Phil Coulson sighed and repeated that sentence again.

There was suddenly a loud roaring in his ears and Andrew felt like he was struggling to take a breath as he grappled with the meaning of those words. Only days before Melinda left on that terrible mission, they had learned the results of their fertility investigations which found that he was unable to biologically father a child. They were planning to find out about their other options for starting a family when she got back.

Andrew’s mind was whirling in confusion. He knew there was no way that the child she had conceived was his. Then whose child was it? Even as the question formed in his mind, Andrew realized that he knew the answer. There really was only one candidate in the running. With sudden clarity he understood instantly why Phil Coulson had made the effort to contact him to meet in person and the meticulously careful way he had worded the conversation so far.

“You’re the father,” hoarsely stated Andrew through painfully dry lips, pointing a finger at Phil. His other hand gripped the arm of his chair. His throat felt parched and raw. Every nerve in his body felt jagged and on edge. It was still a tremendous effort to try to keep breathing. He had not really caught much else of what Phil Coulson was saying beyond the fact that his wife was pregnant. His mind just couldn’t take anything else in.

“Andrew, please you need to slow your breathing down now,” advised Coulson but that didn’t seem to do much. The man was showing signs of starting to hyperventilate.

“Dr Garner! You need to calm down or you’ll pass out!” snapped Coulson in an authoritative tone, with a hand grasping the other man’s shoulder tightly. This got through and Phil watched Andrew Garner focus on pulling himself together.

“Why the hell are you telling me this, Coulson?” snarled Andrew as anger rapidly crept up on him. He focused on breathing slowly while he waited for more answers. He felt sick and was absurdly grateful that his last meal had been hours ago.

“Andrew, I’m here telling you this because you shouldn’t have to hear it from someone else. I’m sorry but there is absolutely no good way to say it. We never meant to do anything to hurt you or betray you. You have to believe that. I was trying to reach her to comfort her but I should never have let it get that far. It happened while we were still stranded in Bahrain after the actual mission was done. It took some time for SHIELD to get us out of the country because of the political situation in the region so we were holed up in a hotel room for a week. We were both exhausted and stressed out and I was trying hard to keep her safe. Melinda was patched up but hurting and beyond terrified but all that’s no excuse. I’m so very sorry. If you need to be angry at someone, blame me not her. I should have done better but I let everything get out of control. She’d tried to take her own life several times. Neither of us could sleep most of the time but I couldn’t leave her alone and there was no one else that she trusted enough to come near her. She’s usually so strong and I couldn’t bear to see her so broken,” explained Phil in a hollow voice.

The rational part of Andrew understood and could dispassionately catalogue the presence of dark circles under the other man’s eyes. Phil Coulson was in his usual immaculate attire of a dark, formal suit but the suit was a little loose and the additional lines of stress on his face made him look haggard. Agent Phil Coulson had undoubtedly been through harrowing experiences of his own and was dealing with ongoing stressors. The professional part of Dr Andrew Garner knew that the need for comfort and life affirming human contact after a spectacularly traumatizing event was a well understood part of the human psyche and was commonly expressed via sexual intercourse. It was a basic human instinct. The part of him that was Melinda May’s husband was seething in fury and desperate to get his hands on Phil Coulson to hurt, maim or kill him.

“Has it happened before after your missions?” hissed Andrew, feeling his heart splinter apart all over again with pain for the umpteenth time in the past few months. The pair had been on so many missions together. Melinda had never been able to talk to him about the details of the SHIELD missions she went on. The question was probably irrelevant but Andrew found that he really wanted to know. Was their whole marriage a lie? For some perverse reason, he trusted Phil Coulson to tell him the truth.

“Many years ago, but not since you’ve been together,” admitted Phil a little reluctantly after a period of awkward silence, with a wince and downcast eyes.

“We found out that I can’t …” trailed off Andrew.

Phil Coulson kept looking down and did not meet his eyes. Andrew could tell that it was from a sense of shame but he couldn’t tell if it was shame from Phil’s own actions or in relation to the subject of Andrew’s own masculine deficiency. There was probably no difference and no gain either way in finding out though he battled the urge to exert some form of torture on this person he had once considered a friend. Andrew recognized dimly that they were all trapped in their own solitary versions of hell or purgatory. Himself, Phil and Melinda.

“Second trimester. So she’s keeping the baby then?” murmured Andrew. He was feeling angry and confused and so many other emotions. All this made it abundantly clear that his marriage was over though now he would never be sure if it had ever meant as much to her as it had for him. He didn’t wait for the answer.

“I can’t do this anymore, I have to go. But. Oh God, it hurts,” gasped Andrew, holding his aching head in his hands and struggling to stand up with his eyes shut. He was horribly nauseous.

“Do you need someone to drive you somewhere? Because I don’t think that you can drive safely right now. Or I can leave instead,” said Phil Coulson quietly. He watched sadly as Dr Garner fell back into his chair. Coulson waited silently for a few minutes but the other man just kept his eyes tightly shut with his head bowed. Coulson eventually got up and walked away knowing that he had lost the friendship of a good man.

Chapter Text

“I gave Agent Coulson an order, Commander Hill. It was not a request. Why are you even talking to me about this?” said Director Fury harshly. He was not in a good mood. There were several missions in jeopardy and there were always more threats to counter. HYDRA had mounted some serious hostile offensive manoeuvres and several powered individuals seemed hell bent on causing havoc in their part of the world.

“Agent Coulson asked me to take his place for the mission, sir,” answered Maria Hill evenly though she already knew that this would not end well.

“And both of you thought it would be a good idea to go against my explicit orders because?” Fury did not bother to disguise the ire in his voice.

“I’m in between missions and I could facilitate his request, sir,” said Hill, meeting his angry stare calmly.

“Damnit, Hill! You’re needed for half a dozen other missions and you know that Coulson needs to get back out there. I’m already down a senior specialist. I don’t have the time to coddle an advanced level field agent. It’s been over 4 months since they got back from bloody Bahrain. I need his skills out in the field,” growled Fury.

There was a soft sound from above them and Fury’s next words were, “Do not even start with me, Strike Team Delta!” He had a feeling that both members of the strike team were up there. Fury sighed in frustration with the hostile silence that followed.

“Trust me when I say that Phil Coulson’s experience and expertise are needed. Without him you cannot successfully carry out this particular mission! And that does not in any way diminish each of your over achieving skillsets. Now contrary to popular belief, I am not a completely evil-hearted bastard so I’m giving you three superspies 4 hours to come up with an acceptable arrangement so that Agent Coulson gets on that plane with Strike Team Delta with his head completely focused on the mission at hand. Understood?” said Fury in an exasperated tone. He figured that his words were being taken seriously when Maria Hill left the office without another word and sounds from the ceiling indicated the others leaving as well. Nick Fury indulged in letting out several angry curses at continuing to have to deal with the fallout from that Bahrain catastrophe.

***

“I’ll be fine here while you guys are away,” said Melinda May softly, her gaze distant and forlorn. Clint Barton and Natasha Romanov looked at each other and neither believed her words. Melinda was still far from being back to a semblance of her normal self.

“Yes, we know that, Mel. But Laura would really appreciate the company while I’m gone and she could use some help with Cooper too. She gets tired pretty easily these days. You’ll have the room downstairs which is a little separate from the rest of the house so you’ll have some privacy. It’s getting a bit cool at the farm but it’s a great place to be in the fall. Fury says this mission could take us all a while but we can probably stay in contact for most of it. You can always get in touch with Maria too. She’ll be around,” said Clint and he knew that he was rambling nervously. He really hoped that they were doing the right thing here. His wife, Laura was a wonderfully compassionate woman who had readily agreed to host his friend but she was also into her third trimester of pregnancy with their second child. Clint really wasn’t sure how Melinda felt about her own pregnancy. Laura and Melinda had only met briefly once before. This could turn out to be an absolute disaster. Clint wasn’t entirely sure how he’d let Natasha and Maria talk him into agreeing to it.

“Mel, we need Coulson to be able to focus on the mission and you know he won’t be able to do that if you’re left here by yourself. Maria is going to be busy too,” said Natasha gently.

Melinda met Natasha’s eyes briefly then dropped her gaze wordlessly and nodded slowly. She watched Natasha pack her bag as Clint tried to help. She usually had a travel bag ready but Natasha was packing the new clothes that had been bought recently to accommodate her growing pregnancy. Melinda hadn’t been interested at all in shopping for anything but Maria and Natasha had just driven her to the shops one day. They picked out some maternity wear for Melinda with Natasha trying things on if needed as she was about the same size.

The best plan that the trio could come up with was to have Melinda stay at the Barton farm for the duration of the mission. Maria would drive her there as she wasn’t leaving for another mission till later. Maria was also in charge of getting Coulson to agree to the plan and get to the plane on time. To that end, Maria simply let herself into Coulson’s apartment with the key she took from May without asking and retrieved his travel bag. She made a few calls to track down where Coulson was and then simply told Coulson to get into the car when she found him. Maria explained what the plan was on the drive to the airfield and reassured him that she would check in on May as often as she could while he was away. The mission could last for several weeks and maybe months which was the main reason that Coulson had tried to get out of going as he didn’t want to leave May for any length of time. Phil Coulson was unhappy but accepted that he would either have to go on the mission or resign from SHIELD.

“You’ll make sure that she’s taking care of herself and the baby, right? I really wanted to get to the 20 week scan,” sighed Phil.

“She’s only 17 weeks along and the latest that ultrasound can be done is at 22 weeks. So we can schedule it for when she’s at 22 weeks and you should be back by then,” said Maria, who had read up on the subject.

“Thanks, Maria. You’re a fantastic friend. I know you’ll make sure that she’s well. She’s still really fragile but it’ll all get better in time,” said Phil optimistically. Maria didn’t reply to that as she was a realist and didn’t share his hopeful optimism. She would simply do what she could to support Melinda while Phil was away.

“We’re here. You have about half an hour before the plane takes off. May can stay with me tonight and I’ll drive her to the Barton farm tomorrow. Take care, Coulson. Mel needs you to come back in one piece. I’ll speak to you soon,” said Maria when they arrived. She nodded in the direction of Melinda and went to say her goodbyes to Barton and Romanov.

“Hey, Lin. Have you had your vitamins today? And you’ve had something for lunch, right? It’s really important that you eat properly. There’s a new bottle of the vitamins in your cupboard and I’ll try to call you every day okay? Maria will be around or you could call your mother if you need anything,” blurted out Phil when he walked over to Melinda. She was silent.

“Lin, I’m so sorry that I need to leave very soon but you’ll be okay. We’ll be back as soon as we can. I need to know that you’ll be okay while I’m gone. Can you please let me know that you’ll be okay, Melinda?” he asked, gently tilting her face up so that she would meet his eyes. With his free hand, he held onto one of hers tenderly.

“I’ll be okay, Phil. I won’t do anything crazy while I’m staying with Clint’s family. You have to go on this mission,” said Melinda softly.

“No, I don’t have to go. I’ll stay if you need me to, Lin. You’re always the most important,” insisted Phil.

“You have to go, Phil. You can’t just stay with me all the time just because I’m broken now. I won’t hurt the baby,” said Melinda.

“Lin, you’re an amazingly strong woman and you’re not broken. You’ll get through all this. I know that you’d never do anything to hurt our baby. I just need you to know that you’re more important to me than anything else including this job. I can live my life without working for SHIELD but I can’t live without you being okay,” said Phil softly, bending slightly to touch his forehead to hers. They spent a few minutes breathing slowly in and out together then Coulson slowly pulled her into an intimate embrace.

“You can always call me when the nightmares come okay? Please, promise me that you will call me if you need to. At any time that you need to. I’ll always be available for you, Lin. No matter what happens. You are so precious to me, my love,” he said directly into her ear. Melinda’s eyes were shut tight as she leaned into his arms and breathed in his scent. Phil knew that Melinda would not ask him to stay for her sake and his role with SHIELD would always inevitably lead to him travelling for varying periods of time.

Phil Coulson was safely strapped into his seat on the plane when it took off even though Romanov and Barton nearly had to drag him away from Melinda May. They each gave Melinda a hug as they said goodbye to her and then firmly walked Coulson onto the plane. Maria led Melinda to where they could watch the plane take off. As she watched the plane lift off, Melinda May wondered how she would be able to sleep while Phil Coulson was away.

Chapter Text

“Cooper? How on earth did you get up there?” groaned Laura Barton, looking up at her nearly 3-year-old son.

“I climbed high like Daddy!” exclaimed Cooper with an excited grin from where he was clinging onto a rather high tree limb. He had somehow managed to clamber onto the nearby branch from his climbing net. Cooper adored his father and had a penchant for climbing as high as he could in imitation of Clint. This time though, he had overextended his abilities.

“Can you get yourself back down, sweetheart?” asked Laura trying to keep her voice calm for Cooper. She was 7 months pregnant and had been reading while watching her son play. Laura wasn’t sure how she would be able to get somewhere to call for help without leaving her son on a tree branch that was over 6 feet high.

“Ummm,” mumbled Cooper as he tried to grab back onto the net that he had used to get up to his elevated position.

“Mommy? Can’t,” said Cooper, sounding a bit shaky as he looked down and then realized just how high he was.
“Okay baby. Just hold on for a bit, okay? Mommy will think about how to get you down,” said Laura, trying her hardest to avoid panicking.

“Just keep talking to him, Laura. Keep him calm. I’ll get him down,” suddenly came a quiet voice by Laura’s side. Laura had no idea how Melinda May even knew what was happening out here. Melinda usually spent most of her time by herself in her room when she wasn’t helping out with some chores around the house.

Melinda quickly climbed up the net, positioned herself securely and reached her arms out to Cooper. Laura and Melinda both gently coaxed and instructed Cooper to release his hold on the branch so that he could move towards Melinda. Cooper was reluctant to do so but Melinda kept herself steady and waited patiently. Laura’s heart was in her mouth when Cooper finally let go but promptly started slipping off the branch. Melinda didn’t hesitate and instantly lunged to catch the little boy in one arm while maintaining her grip on the sturdy net. They were both safely down on the ground soon after. Both Laura and Cooper were crying from a combination of shock and relief. Laura hugged her son tightly and fervently thanked Melinda, who simply nodded in acknowledgement as she walked back into the house.

Laura carefully checked Cooper over to make sure that he was okay. Apart from being a bit shaken up, Cooper was fine. Laura kissed him several times and took his hand to lead him back into the house. Cooper was going to get a stern talking to when she regained full control of herself. Then she looked up to see Melinda with a hand on her stomach and holding onto the doorframe for support. Laura’s heart plummeted again at the sight and she rubbed her abdomen as her daughter decided now was a good time to start kicking strongly. She walked Cooper quickly over to Melinda who had slid down to the floor and was curled up in a ball by the front door silently. Laura was now worried that Melinda’s exertions to rescue Cooper had somehow caused her bodily harm.

“Melinda, what’s wrong?” asked Laura. Cooper stared at their house guest.

After a few minutes of silence, Melinda lifted her head up. She looked at Laura and softly said, “I think I can feel the… the baby.” She looked very lost and frightened.

Not for the first time, Laura wondered what had happened to the woman who had been living in her home for nearly a month. Melinda had clearly been confident in her actions when moving fast and fearlessly to rescue Cooper. Clint had told her that Melinda May was probably the only person in SHIELD who would be able to take down Natasha, no one else could come close. Now the woman was sitting on the floor of the porch, with a terrified expression on her face because she had felt her unborn baby move? It made very little sense to Laura but this she could handle.

Laura sat down in the chair by the door because she knew she wouldn’t be able to get up if she joined Melinda on floor. She pulled Cooper into her lap where there was just enough room for her to cuddle him close. After his unexpected adventure, Cooper was content to just lean into her and be held for a while.

“Is this the first time you’ve felt your baby?” asked Laura, sensing that Melinda did need some kind of support though she wasn’t sure if this was helpful. Melinda turned haunted eyes in her direction and nodded. She had her hands clasped on her slightly rounded stomach. At this point, it was still hard to tell that Melinda was pregnant from just the shape of her figure.

“How many weeks along are you now?” asked Laura. She hoped that Melinda didn’t feel like she was being too intrusive. They hadn’t actually talked much at all apart from what was necessary for polite communication when living in the same house. Clint had said that Melinda was friendly but could be very private on some matters. He had been able to tell Laura that Melinda had recently been through a very difficult mission and was still recovering from that.

“21 weeks. The next scan is in a week,” answered Melinda hesitantly. She hadn’t really talked about her pregnancy with anyone. Phil talked to her about the baby all the time but she didn’t say much in return. She didn’t really know what to say about the pregnancy. Melinda had just continued on with the pregnancy because she hadn’t been able to bring herself to even consider the thought of termination after what she had done on her last mission. She felt too guilty. But overall, it hadn’t really sunk in that she was pregnant until she had realized that the fluttering feeling in her abdomen wasn’t food related. It was the growing baby moving within her. The sensation had sent her wayward emotions into a tailspin after the adrenaline high of saving Cooper.

Cooper yawned in his mother’s arms. Melinda gazed at the boy as he leaned back, securely held in Laura’s loving arms. Most of Cooper’s features favoured Clint but he had Laura’s eyes and her bright smile. He was a constant bundle of energy with the insatiable curiosity of a young child. Clint always took any opportunity he could to proudly talk about Cooper’s antics and capers. Melinda had watched Laura and Cooper’s interactions while staying with them and marvelled at their easy, loving relationship. Her relationship with her parents had been more restrained even though she didn’t doubt that they loved her. After everything that she had done, how could she be a parent to a child?

Laura observed Melinda staring at her son. She recognized the doubt on the other woman’s face and remembered when she had felt Cooper move for the first time in her womb. Laura could empathize with Melinda’s doubts on becoming a parent even though she guessed that there were other complicating factors in her life. Clint said that Melinda was in the process of divorcing her husband, Andrew who she hadn’t spoken to at all while being here and somehow Laura didn’t think that he was the father of Melinda’s baby. Phil Coulson, her work partner, on the other hand, spoke to her nearly every day. Laura liked Phil and she thought he would be an amazing father. But Laura sensed that there was something not quite right there either. She really hoped that Melinda didn’t have to deal with being a single parent.

“It’s much easier to see your baby during this scan. The image actually looks like a baby now compared to the previous scans. It can take a while to get done if the baby is moving a lot which can make it very uncomfortable if your bladder is too full. But they give you prints of the baby and you can find out the gender if you like. Clint and I were very excited and we decided to find out both times because we’re not good at waiting. Have you decided if you want to find out if it’s a boy or girl?” said Laura conversationally. Melinda looked away and Laura was concerned when she saw that her eyes starting to glisten with tears.

“Agent May, it’s okay to have doubts about becoming a mother. But I’m sure that you’ll get the hang of it very quickly. It’s a sharp learning curve for all of us really but it’s completely worth it. I can’t imagine my life without my awesome little guy,” said Laura, trying to reassure the other woman, as she dropped a kiss to Cooper’s head.

“But I don’t deserve to be a mother,” said Melinda sadly as she closed her eyes and tears slid silently down her face. Laura’s heart ached for her but she didn’t know how to comfort her. She waited for a while but Melinda’s entire demeanour indicated that she wouldn’t welcome further conversation right now.

Laura nudged Cooper to get up and slowly got herself out of the chair. She would maybe try to talk to Melinda again later. Cooper needed his afternoon nap and Laura felt like she needed one too.

“Thank you, May. Don’t cry,” said Cooper softly but clearly enough. While Laura was concentrating on getting up, Cooper had wandered across to Melinda and placed his hand on her shoulder. Melinda opened her eyes and looked at him in surprise.

“You’re welcome, Cooper. I’m glad you’re okay,” replied Melinda, giving him a small smile. He smiled back and gave her a wave as his mother took his hand to go into the house.

Chapter Text

Clint’s body relaxed a little as Phil Coulson walked in with two steaming cups of coffee and passed him one. They were in a secure location but as seasoned agents, none of them ever fully dropped their guard while they were on a mission. Clint nodded in thanks as he took a sip and the men sat in silence in the small control room.

“What kind of monsters are chasing you these days, boss?” asked Clint.

“Do you really want to know?” said Phil quietly after a pause.

Clint looked directly at him. He knew that Coulson hadn’t been sleeping well and they had been on this mission for over a month. Tracking and hunting down a dangerous group of criminals which included some powered individuals. The group seemed to be focused on a specific aim but the SHIELD team hadn’t been able to uncover what their agenda was yet. They had mainly been doing surveillance while trying to keep the collateral damage to a minimum. Natasha was off chasing a lead but there was nothing significant happening on their surveillance feeds right now.

“I’m listening,” answered Clint, with a light tap to his hearing aid.

“Multiple variations on the same theme. We’re at that warehouse in Bahrain. I’m trying so hard to get to her and I can’t see what’s happening but I hear screams and loud sounds. It has to be something terrible. Lin’s not answering comms though I’m yelling myself hoarse and when I finally get to her, she’s dead. She’s holding onto that little girl on the floor with blood and bodies everywhere around them.
Then the scene shifts and she’s holding a tiny baby in a hospital bed but they’re both covered in blood and lying so still. Andrew Garner shows up but he’s somehow a huge, terrifying, dark monster who is tearing the place apart. I’m paralysed. I can’t do anything at all. There’s so much blood spilled. I’ve completely failed. She’s my partner but I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t even get close enough. I feel so helpless,” described Phil slowly, in a monotone.

Clint chose not to dwell too much on the imagery conjured up by those words. He had lived through his own share of hellish experiences and was no stranger to being plagued by unsettling, recurring nightmares. He took a sip of coffee, eyes glancing over the monitors and listened patiently.

“Mel’s alive. We both spoke to her a few hours ago,” said Clint.

“But she’s still not herself. You all know that. She’s in so much pain but I don’t know how to reach her. It’s all still bottled up inside her. I don’t think that she’s really getting past it at all. She won’t talk to anyone about what happened with the girl. She won’t tell me what happened and the rest of the people involved have no idea. I don’t know how she’s going to cope with all the changes that are to come with the pregnancy, then the baby. And it’s my fault that everything is so much harder. She’s just going through the motions with living but I’m not even sure that she wants to stay alive. Her marriage is over. I don’t blame Andrew for being furious. I messed up so badly, Clint. And in less than five months we’ll have to deal with having a newborn. I just can’t see how we can be parents to a baby and I’m terrified,” sighed Phil.

Clint sat in silence for a few minutes before replying, “So you’re not perfect. And we both know that there’s no way you would or could ever hurt Mel. Believe me, quite a few of us understand what it can be like after a devastating mission. You’re only human. But you can’t change the past. You keep on doing what you need to do and keep being there for her. You stay and you fight for her when she can’t. You just keep taking one breath after another but you’ll make it through. It will somehow get better.”

“I thought about leaving the night we found out about her pregnancy. It was a massive shock for us. I think we were just going to deny that anything ever happened and forget about it but then we couldn’t. I felt so horrible and overwhelmed. I just got in Lola and drove for hours. For a while there, I thought of never coming back,” admitted Phil.

Clint shook his head slightly at Coulson. “I know you, Phil. No matter what you think, you wouldn’t have left her. You’re not that kind of man. It’s definitely going to be a long and hard road ahead, but you’ll manage somehow. Mel’s dealing with a lot right now but she’s incredibly strong too. She will get past this. And you can count on us, we’ll make sure that you guys make it through okay. Tash, Maria and I. Fury too,” said Clint, doing his best to reassure his friend.

***

“Would you like some tea? I brewed a pot of chrysanthemum,” offered Melinda softly as Laura came down into the kitchen. Melinda was seated on a chair at the dining table in the moonlit kitchen.

“Thank you, I’ll try some,” said Laura, as she stretched slowly and rubbed her back. Her baby was actively kicking up a storm and Laura was hoping that a walk around the house would help calm the baby so that she could get back to sleep.

Melinda poured another mug of tea, setting it down for Laura in front of the chair beside her own. She couldn’t help watching in fascination as Laura moved to try to ease the physical discomfort from her pregnancy. Her own pregnancy wasn’t as advanced yet but she was awake due to her nightmares. Melinda recognised the fluttering feeling within her own abdomen which was gradually happening more often. She still wasn’t sure how to feel about the sensation. It had somehow been easy to ignore the fact that she was pregnant until she felt the baby move. Now Melinda had to face up to the fact that she would be delivering a baby in a few months and it was terrifying. She could manage to keep the demons that tormented her locked away when she was awake during the day but it was different at night. The only way to keep the nightmares at bay since coming back from Bahrain had been to sleep with Phil holding her but he had been away for over a month by now. She had only managed an actual night’s sleep about once a week in the past month due to total exhaustion. Most nights she sat in the kitchen drinking tea or on the couch with the tv on for company.

It wasn’t unusual for Laura to make her way downstairs late at night for a stretch and a wander but it was the first time that Melinda had offered her tea. It was also the first time that Laura had been unable to get back to sleep and ventured down to the kitchen since Cooper’s climbing misadventure a few days ago. She generally just said a soft greeting to Melinda and kept on walking and stretching, respecting the other woman’s space. She could feel Melinda’s gaze on her form as she tried to work the kinks out of her lower back. Her daughter was having a party tonight. Maybe the tea would help the baby settle down, she could only hope. Laura took a sip of the tea and savoured the unfamiliar taste.

“My mother used to offer me a different type of tea when I couldn’t sleep at night from when I was about 10. It didn’t happen very often and there are so many types of soothing teas. I try a new blend every season. Coulson likes making hot chocolate when he can’t sleep,” said Melinda.

“I haven’t tried many teas but this is nice. It’s quite floral but not overpowering. Phil does make great hot chocolate and he pays attention to how each person likes their drink. He makes mine with a hint of vanilla. How do you like your hot chocolate?” said Laura.

“With a hint of ginger,” answered Melinda with a small smile. She absently rubbed her belly.

“Melinda, I know we’re not close but would you like to talk about your pregnancy at all? I’m sure you’ve read up on it and it’s different for everyone every time but it can be a bit scary with your first one. I remember talking to a cousin who had a toddler about her experiences when I was pregnant with Cooper and it did help a lot for me. Clint and Tasha care about you very much and I’d be happy to talk through anything you like,” offered Laura.

Melinda looked down and gripped her mug with both hands. She took a deep breath and her voice was soft but there were tears beneath, “I think I do need to talk to someone about it all. Laura, I’m so scared. I don’t know how I can be a mother. I know how to do a lot of things and I’ve trained hard for many difficult missions but how do I do this? I can’t.”

“Hey, there. Melinda, it’s okay to admit that you’re scared of this. I think we all are at some stage,” soothed Laura gently as she slowly placed a hand and lightly ran her fingers over Melinda’s hands. Laura was slightly worried that Melinda would break the mug in her hands. Melinda didn’t look up.

“Melinda, can you please ease up on your grip? I really don’t want you to hurt yourself,” said Laura.

The words caused Melinda to visibly flinch though she released her intense hold on the mug. Laura immediately sensed that she had said something wrong.

“I’m sorry, Melinda. I didn’t mean to …,” Laura’s words trailed off as Melinda gulped, whirled away from the table gracefully and fled towards her room. Laura sighed and finished her tea before going back up to her own bed.

Chapter Text

Phil drove on peacefully as Melinda napped in the passenger seat of Lola while the radio played softly in the background. They were headed to Melinda’s childhood home, the place where she had the most memories of growing up. Her parents were divorced now but Melinda had requested to meet them together and her mother offered to host them all for a long weekend. Her parents’ divorce had been fairly civil if not completely amicable on both sides. But despite their own irreconcilable differences, William and Lian May each made sure that their daughter knew that her parents continued to love her very much. As it turned out, after being divorced, William and Lian had learned over the years to get along better with each other again.

Melinda had slowly but surely come to the realization that she was committed to having this child and she couldn’t keep hiding the truth from her parents forever. They deserved to know that they would become grandparents soon. This definitely was not the kind of news that could be conveyed over the phone and they needed to tell them in person. Phil Coulson would be wholeheartedly involved in parenting this baby with her, that much was certain so he had to be there too. It would probably be easier to help with the explanation as the baby’s father even if they weren’t sure what they were in relation to each other. At this point, all Melinda was sure of was that she needed Phil Coulson in her life and he was dedicated to being there for her. It was enough. They were taking it day by day and trying to deal with things that still haunted them.

The 22 week morphology scan had been an overwhelmingly emotional event. Melinda had started crying quietly as soon as she was able to make sense of the images on the screen. That there really was a baby growing within her, a whole new human being. The baby had a face with a body and limbs and was actively moving around while the doctor scanned Melinda’s abdomen and described what was depicted on the screen in greyscale images. The doctor made an effort to get into frame several clear images of the baby and print them off for Melinda to take away with her. Melinda couldn’t hold back her outpouring of emotion as she saw her baby move. She started to come to terms with the fact of her pregnancy and began to realize that she did feel like she wanted this baby in her life, no matter the circumstances around how the baby was conceived. This was her baby.

Maria Hill had been the one to drive and accompany Melinda for the scan, bringing along a laptop that she had set up in the scanning room to allow Phil to watch via a secure video feed from wherever he was currently located. Phil was mostly silent through the part of the consultation and scan that he was able to attend which surprised Maria. He was on time for the start of the consult but was unable to stay for the complete scan. Phil looked devastated when he had to leave. The doctor kindly put on the audio to allow them to listen to the baby’s heartbeat early on during the scan so Phil had been able to hear that too. Maria observed his and Melinda’s expressions as they were both raptly engrossed in viewing the images and found that they each cycled through various shades of elation, disbelief and a sort of bittersweet love and longing. They probably had no idea how similar their individual expressions were and Maria made no comment. She also discerned that both her friends were completely awestruck and devoted to the little growing being they were watching on the screen. This baby would significantly affect and alter all their lives as they usually worked as a team with SHIELD. Maria had always assumed that Melinda and Phil were as ambitious as she was in climbing the ranks at SHIELD. They had all been on the fast track and performing brilliantly in their fields of expertise. Now Phil and Melinda would have to consider other priorities in their lives which they had not actually planned for. Admittedly in the months since the mission in Bahrain, Melinda had completely fallen off track in her chosen career at SHIELD.

Maria collected the laptop and sat by patiently as the doctor completed the ultrasound scan and then efficiently checked Melinda over. She seemed happy with her findings on her patient and with most of Melinda’s answers though she didn’t hesitate to provide correction and instructions when needed. The doctor kindly gave Melinda two copies each of the prints from the scan and did not comment on the tears falling down her patient’s cheeks during the scan. Melinda’s eyes remained teary through the rest of the consultation. Maria assumed that it was quite a common thing for parents to be overwhelmed by their emotions. The doctor had been very accommodating when Maria had explained that she was filling in for Phil who was unable to be here in person. Melinda opted to get a digital copy of the scan as well which was copied onto a securely encrypted pen drive that Maria had brought along because Maria had made a lot of effort to be prepared for anything. She was thorough and took on her responsibility to be there for Melinda while Phil was away very seriously.

The doctor that Melinda was seeing had been carefully chosen and vetted by Maria, Natasha and Clint to ensure that Melinda was safe and had the best obstetric care. The trio had taken it on themselves to choose a doctor for Melinda when Natasha had noted that Phil and Melinda had been too distraught by the pregnancy initially to really think about the matter. Being a father already, Clint actually had experience and was quite helpful in pointing out the qualities that the chosen doctor should have in terms of caring for a pregnant person. Fortunately, they all knew Melinda well enough to be able to choose someone that would suit her. The doctor had a reasonable level of security clearances as she also cared for several patients in the military and intelligence community. So far, it was all going reasonably well.

***

Melinda stretched as she woke up when the car came to a stop. She looked out the window and saw that they had pulled over just after entering the small town that her mother lived in. She looked over at Phil quizzically. He had visited with her before and knew the way to her mother’s house.

“I just wanted to take a moment and …” he trailed off and looked at her, not sure how to continue.

Melinda felt the baby kicking and rubbed the area on her belly. Phil’s eyes lit up at the gesture and he reached out to feel too. He had only been able to feel a few strong kicks in the past fortnight and was anxious not to miss any chances he got. The movements had been gradually getting stronger as the baby grew and at 29 plus weeks, Melinda was used to being kicked a lot of the time now.

“They know you’re my best friend and partner and they’ll adore having a grandchild to spoil,” said Melinda.

“I’m not quite sure that your mother does like me though she has been polite. Your father has always been nice to me but he might not feel the same way when we tell them the whole story. You’re their only child, Lin. And they really like Drew,” said Phil nervously. He was really worried about facing the wrath of Lian May who had been high up in the ranks of the CIA.

“My mother is very fond of Drew because she felt that he was a stable influence in my life. I’m not sure that my father liked him as much,” said Melinda. The baby was kicking away as Phil rested his hand on the area. He had a loving look in his eyes as he felt the movements under his hand.

“We’re having a baby soon and that’s what will happen. There’s no changing it now,” sighed Melinda. She was feeling her anxiety shoot up to unbearable levels just with just the thought of having to say anything about Bahrain. She had been blocking it all out and still adamantly refused to talk to anyone about it.

“We could go now and get married before we go to your house,” joked Phil weakly. He had tried proposing to her several times before this. But Melinda did not want to marry him just because she was pregnant with his child and for many other reasons. Besides she wasn’t sure that she would want to marry anyone ever again. She just shot him a venomous look.

“Right. Not the time for that,” said Phil, sucking in a long breath. He took a moment to focus on enjoying the sensation of the baby kicking beneath his hand. Melinda didn’t say anything as he kept his hand there as long as he was able to feel the baby’s kicks. Then he drew away and restarted the car to continue the last part of their drive. They kept silent in the car, each brooding over their individual anxieties at the upcoming meeting with her parents.

Chapter Text

Melinda tossed and turned in bed in her childhood bedroom. She got up wearily after a few minutes when she couldn’t continue to ignore the urge to go to the toilet anymore. She still had about three months to go and then her body would keep changing but there was likely no end in sight for several years yet in terms of waking up several times overnight.

On her way back past the guest room, Melinda’s senses tuned in to the sounds emanating from the room. Phil was in there and he sounded distressed. Melinda hesitated before opening the door but she couldn’t simply walk away from him. Her mother had pointedly shown them to separate bedrooms but at least at no point during the tense dinner conversation had there been a question about their usual sleeping arrangements.

Melinda carefully slid into the bed next to Phil and his restless movements immediately abated. He wrapped his arms around her form and pressed his face into her neck with a soft sigh. Melinda closed her eyes but could not get back to sleep. She could feel her baby kicking and it was a strange sensation to be lying with her partner in the guest room bed of her mother’s home. Her thoughts skipped through a whole host of different subjects. She wondered how Clint and Laura were doing. Now that their baby was due in a few weeks, Clint had already gone on leave. Melinda remembered the desperate measures the team had been forced to take to ensure that he could make it in time for Cooper’s birth. No one wanted to do that again.

Surprisingly Natasha had taken some time off too though not for as long as Clint. She was heading off somewhere for a while but would be back to help with babysitting Cooper when Laura was closer to her due date. Laura’s parents were lovely people but Clint was understandably paranoid about the safety of his son when Laura and him would be fully occupied with the delivery of their daughter. Cooper and Natasha adored each other and she was easily persuaded to be around to care for him. Maria was working hard as usual but had made the effort to not be too far away. In case of an unlikely emergency where the Barton family or Natasha needed extra support, Maria would be there. It went unsaid that Phil would drop everything and rush over if needed. Melinda herself was not in a state to provide much support for anyone else. They had an incredibly close team who were like family.

Melinda sighed as she thought on the word family. She easily interpreted the looks on her parents’ faces when they had arrived. Phil had been a chattering pile of nerves and quickly busied himself with getting their bags into the house without making eye contact with them. Melinda held her head high and stared back defiantly at her father then at her mother when she was out of the car. It had been an arduous ordeal to get through dinner but Phil had been staunchly by her side and in her opinion recklessly brave in defending her honour. They had asked about Andrew and no doubt her mother would call and talk to the man himself at some point but in the end, her parents acknowledged that what was done simply had to be faced. There was no undoing or improving past events. They could only move forward.

Phil’s hold on her loosened and Melinda was still wide awake. She decided that she would go to the kitchen and make herself some tea. The lack of sleep didn’t bother her too much but her dark thoughts did. She climbed out of the bed slowly and made her way downstairs. Melinda paused when she saw that her mother was up too. Lian May had made a pot of tea and there was another cup set out beside her.

Melinda knew that her mother had already picked up on her approach and decided that there was really no point in avoidance. Melinda joined her mother at the kitchen table. They both sipped their tea in silence. Melinda got up and stretched a little in between sips. It was a black tea with rose accents and it smelled wonderful.

“Have you told his mother yet?” asked Lian abruptly.

Melinda shook her head silently. She had not really meant to keep something like this a secret from their parents for such a length of time. It had taken her a long time to be able to accept what was happening due to their circumstances. Phil had been her rock, waiting and supporting her decisions. To be able to cope with getting through with her pregnancy, Melinda had buried a lot of her emotional turmoil in relation to the horrific events in Bahrain. The explanation to her parents had been as simplified as they could manage. For various reasons, Phil was tongue-tied and quiet anyway. Lian and William were both aware that there was a lot left unsaid but had chosen not to question them too deeply so far. In this case, Melinda was very grateful that it was the norm that her family were loving but usually restrained in their emotional dealings anyway. They had never been the family that regularly had long chats to share their lives with each other frequently.

Melinda and Phil both had no doubt that Julie Coulson would be just thrilled beyond measure at the news of expecting a grandchild. Melinda had accompanied Phil on a few visits home and before her whirlwind romance and marriage to Andrew, Julie had dropped many not-so-subtle hints about how she thought that the partners were meant to be together. Phil remained very close to his mother and they did chat a lot regularly though Phil was limited in what he could share of his life at times. They would travel to stay for a few days with Julie when they left Lian’s place. They both knew that it would be the harder challenge to deal with telling the news to Melinda’s parents.

“QiaoLian, you know that we will always support you and that you and your child will be safe and welcome in our homes,” pronounced Lian, looking at her daughter.

Melinda could feel herself getting teary at her mother’s words. She understood that her parents loved her and that ultimately the reason that they were having a hard time with all this was that they wanted her to be loved and secure when she had her baby. In their eyes, being in a stable relationship and married would have provided that kind of security for her future. Melinda wished they could understand that Phil was completely committed to being the best father that he could and that he would do his best for her welfare too.

“Phil Coulson is a good man. We do not understand why you are not married but we do know that he will take care of you and the baby. We just want what is best for you, our only child,” continued Lian.

“He is and he will,” whispered Melinda, who was choked up with emotion at her mother’s words. She was so relieved and happy that her parents did understand to a certain extent. She could tangibly sense the warmth of her mother’s love and care for her.

“Mama, thank you,” whispered Melinda as her mother stood up from the table. Lian smiled softly, brushed a lock of hair from her face and gently gripped her shoulder for a while. Melinda grasped her mother’s hand on her shoulder affectionately. It was a sweetly poignant moment that would be stored forever in both their memories.

“You are our amazing daughter and you will be a wonderful mother,” said Lian after a few moments then she hugged her daughter and went back to bed.

Chapter Text

“Here,” said Phil, placing the warm blanket around Melinda’s form tucked up in the side of the sofa in the dark. He barely heard her whispered thanks.

“Do you want anything? Tea?” asked Phil softly as he straightened up. Melinda shook her head slightly. Phil waited for a while beside her silently then turned to step away but she put a hand on his arm and he felt a light tug downwards. He sat down beside her. They sat still together in the dark for a while.

“That night in Bahrain, when we. I just. I really didn’t want to go on living,” whispered Melinda suddenly. In the quietness of the night, Phil could hear her words quite clearly. He honestly didn’t know what to say. He remained completely immobile. They had yet to talk about a lot of things even though they were living together now. Melinda moved into his apartment a month ago because it was larger than hers so that they would have more room when the baby arrived. It just made sense.

“Phil, we’re going to have the baby soon and I need to tell you what I did to that child,” her words came out haltingly. Phil’s heart wrenched at the pain in her voice but he let her speak. She needed to get it all out.

“I…She…,” Melinda choked and her voice felt strangled in her throat. She stopped and Phil strained to hear in her direction but didn’t dare make any movements. Phil desperately wanted to hold and comfort her but he wasn’t sure that she’d let him right now.

“She was only a little girl and she said that she wanted their pain. It was obvious that she enjoyed her power over them all. Then she asked if I could be her new mommy and I shot her. I shot that beautiful little girl because I just couldn’t figure out any other way. I couldn’t find another way and there must have been but I’m not used to doing that kind of thinking. I’m not as smart as you or people like Maria and I didn’t have time to think. I’m a monster because all I now how to do is fight and shoot but I should’ve found another way to stop her. Phil, she was just a tiny child and instead of saving her I chose the easy way out and I put a bullet in her.” Melinda was sobbing helplessly by the time she finished what she had to say. She didn’t resist as Phil pulled her gently into his arms.

Phil had slowly inched closer and taken Melinda’s hands in his when she started to cry as she poured out her story. She felt so fragile in his arms. He held her tightly and felt her tears soak through to his skin. He kissed her hair and murmured soothingly as she wept passionately. When he felt her sobs starting to abate slightly, Phil gingerly repositioned them so that they were both lying on the sofa with Melinda securely wrapped up in his arms against the back of the sofa. She moved with him and just lay on her side in his arms. Her cries gradually became softer and she became more aware of his steady heartbeat as her cheek was pillowed on his chest.

“Are you comfortable like this?” Phil asked her, rubbing her back soothingly. He felt her nod against his chest.

“I already know that you did what had to be done, Melinda. You’re not a monster. You’re one of the most loving people I know. She was a child with powers that she couldn’t handle and she was out of control. You have to let the girl go, Melinda. You couldn’t have done anything else and you’ve saved so many lives. Even before then. You’re no monster at all. You’re amazing at what you do. You have to make tough calls all the time and you’ve always been great at making the right decisions out in the field. No one else could have done any better than you,” said Phil comfortingly. His voice was gentle.

“Then when you stopped me on the roof. I just needed to feel something other than pain and you wouldn’t let me die. So I used you to try to forget for a while. I was in a lot of pain but I never meant to hurt you and oh god, Drew. I’m so sorry, Phil. I didn’t mean to drag you down with me,” continued Melinda.

“Melinda QiaoLian May, I love you so much. You couldn’t keep me away from being by your side. I have loved you since the day we met even if I haven’t always been honest about it even to myself. I can cope with a lot in this life but I cannot deal with ever losing you. That is not something that I could ever live with. I am with you because I want to be. You’re not forcing me to do anything that I don’t want to do. I would literally do anything for you. That time in Bahrain was hell for both of us but I don’t regret anything, I can’t. You could never drag me down, Lin,” Phil told her sincerely. He hoped that she believed him. For him that night was the most terrible and wonderful night he’d spent with the love of his life. Phil Coulson had not planned on ever having children but to be expecting a baby with Melinda May was something beyond his wildest dreams or fantasies.

“You don’t understand, Phil. I don’t deserve your love or any of it. You are a smart, loving and compassionate and kind and wonderful man, Phil Coulson. I’m a horrible monster but this baby is pure and completely innocent,” her words were stopped by Phil’s finger on her lips.

“You’re Melinda May. You’re a loving and fantastic human being. You’re my partner and the love of my life and you’re the only woman that I adore. I will keep telling you all this until you believe it and there are no monsters here. Only two people having a conversation in the dark, feeling our baby move,” said Phil holding her firmly in his arms.

Chapter Text

15 minutes ago, Phil Coulson had idly wondered why Natasha Romanov was accompanying them on their visit to tour the labour ward at the hospital that they had chosen. Maria Hill had assured them that the hospital had been thoroughly checked out and was secure. SHIELD medical facilities were somewhat lacking in matters of expectant maternity services. Right this second, Phil was extremely grateful that the red-headed agent was able to stand her ground and stay in the delivery suite that Melinda May had aggressively taken over. Everyone else had gotten out in a panic and Phil had reluctantly left to exercise some heavy-duty damage control. He trusted Natasha to keep Melinda safe and keep the situation under control. He needed to think fast to convince the harried and frightened hospital staff that they did not need to call in the police force to manage this though he’d discreetly sent out a message of his own to get some support. He sighed at the realization that they would now probably need to find another hospital for the birth and focused on the task at hand.

The tour had been going reasonably well. They were with a group of 5 other expectant families who would all greet the arrival of a new family member in the next 2 - 3 months. Melinda had not wanted to come and it would have been rather awkward for Phil to show up by himself. Somehow Maria and Natasha had eventually convinced Melinda to join in. Melinda was reserved and hung back a little while Phil was desperately trying to hold himself back from asking too many questions at once. Natasha followed along with them silently.

Phil’s first inkling that all was not well came when Melinda’s eyes widened slightly while the midwife was explaining about the bed that could be modified in various ways to facilitate the best position for an individual birth. The midwife then followed up with a demonstration of how the bed could be used and answered an epidural related question from one of the other couples. The description of the position to deliver with an epidural with a possible cut to help the baby’s head progress out of the birth canal caused a gasp from Melinda.

But before Phil or Natasha could get near her, Melinda said “No!” firmly and proceeded to pull off the attachments to the bed. Instantly the midwife tried to stop her, eliciting an angry growl which caused her to quickly step away from the determined woman. Melinda wrenched some pieces off by force and threw them away. Natasha went to stop her and was roughly pushed back. Natasha’s next attempt to get a hold of Melinda’s hands was countered by a quick manoeuvre that landed her on the floor with what looked like a serious punch. Melinda didn’t make a sound which was rather eerie in itself. Natasha wasn’t actually fazed or hurt but to the civilian onlookers, the actions looked incredibly hostile and there were shouts, screams and tears as the group rushed to get out of the room.

Natasha gave a slight nod as Phil looked at her with dark anguished eyes, then closed the door behind him. They both knew that she was the only one who could physically handle Melinda and Phil was much better suited to deal with the PR side of things. Natasha kept still on the floor and observed her friend to gauge the best way to approach this. In a way she understood a little of why Melinda was lashing out. Her friend used to have amazing control of herself but the whole pregnancy had been mostly beyond Melinda’s control. The threat of the lack of mobility from an epidural and the restriction of movement with that horrible looking bed was probably terrifying enough without all her other associated trauma.

Natasha slowly edged away to a wall and sat up cautiously, warily watching out to avoid any missiles coming her way. Melinda was unerringly focused on destroying that bed, finding things around the room to methodically help her with this. Natasha checked visually to make sure that her friend wasn’t causing any injury to herself. Melinda was still quite agile and powerful in her seventh month of pregnancy. Natasha knew that there was a lot more that Melinda was trying to exorcise rather than just the wholesale destruction of the bed and equipment around it. She had to deal with it in her own way somehow. She wasn’t really letting anyone in to help her though Natasha understood that in some things, there wasn’t much that others could help with.

Coulson was clearly grateful that she was here to deal with this. He could have managed by himself but it would have been much more difficult. As it stood, Natasha was sure that Maria would be relieved that she wouldn’t have to do all the work to smooth things over with the hospital. Then Natasha saw the look in Melinda’s eyes when she looked at the gas valves on the wall. That kind of destruction would not be as easily mended with words and money. Natasha swore fluently in her head even as she spoke to her friend.

“Melinda, no. You do not want to do anything like that. You don’t want to hurt other people or yourself and the baby. It would crush Phil,” said Natasha soothingly as she stealthily moved closer to her friend. She wasn’t sure exactly what was going on in Melinda’s head but she recognized the look of terrified pain.

“Melinda May, you’re going to be fine. You’ll be a good mother to your baby. You will have us all be around to help you out. Your baby can play with Lila and Cooper. You can do this. Please don’t do anything you’ll regret,” said Natasha, close enough to pull away the object that Melinda held in her hand. Natasha had no idea what that piece of equipment was for. Melinda’s dark eyes were wet with tears.

“I can’t have this baby, I’m a monster, Nat,” gasped Melinda brokenly. She was still flinging things around. Natasha could understand that this room was quite overwhelming and her friend’s emotional state was extremely fragile.

“No, you’re not, Mel. This is me. I’ve been trained to kill since I was very young and I’ve killed countless people over the years whether they deserved it or not. But you, Phil and Clint could see past all of that. You agreed to be my S.O. You told me that I mattered as a person, that I still have my sense of humanity and that I wasn’t beyond all hope. Please, listen to me. You can do this. We can work out another option for the delivery if that’s what you need. Just stop breaking things, okay?” pleaded Natasha.

“I’m so scared and I hate it. And all of this is just so…,” Melinda trailed off and looked around the equipment filled room.

“Yeah, it’s a lot to take in, Mel. They have great people working here. But you have some awesome friends and I’m sure that we could talk to Maria and come up with another option if that’s what you need. We do impossible missions all the time, this is something that we can make happen. You’re Melinda May, you can do anything,” said Natasha with a small smile. Melinda had stopped picking up things to throw around and stood in the middle of the room, looking around her.

“Do you think Phil managed to keep them from calling the police response team in?” asked Melinda with a sigh.

“Probably but we don’t have to deal with that now, let’s just go. Do you feel like getting some ice cream? Coulson can deal with the hospital,” said Natasha, as she took the cover off a vent with a grin. Melinda looked at her then climbed up carefully and they made their way out of the building. Natasha called Coulson when they were both seated inside a cab and hung up on him after telling him that they were out.

Coulson heaved a sigh of relief and frustration with the call and told Maria what had happened. She looked at him sternly then turned and flung the doors of the delivery room wide open. The staff gasped at the sight of the empty room. Then they all took in the damage that had been done. Maria grabbed onto Phil’s arm to ensure that he stayed to help her fix this whole mess.

Chapter Text

The doorbell rang and Andrew Garner simply ignored it. He’d been ignoring life in general for a while now. He was steadily going through his rather large accumulated supply of liquor. He had many bottles that had been gifted to him over the years and he’d never been much of a drinker. People seemed to like giving him alcohol but most of it was used for guests. He had the space to store it all and now it was exceedingly convenient. The doorbell rang again and then there were loud knocks on the door. Andrew didn’t move from his spot.

After the bell ceased ringing a third time, there was more loud knocking. Then there was the unexpected noise of a key being inserted into the lock and being jiggled lightly. Andrew had no idea if the security chain was on and he found that he really didn’t care. He heard a woman’s voice calling out. It took him a while to recognize that voice as that of his former mother-in-law but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why she was here.

“Andrew, I know that you’re in here. It’s Lian May,” said Lian firmly as she stepped into the apartment. She looked around the apartment and walked over to him.

“Andrew Garner, you haven’t been out of this place in nearly a week and you’re ignoring calls from everyone. When did you last eat anything?” asked Lian with a weary sigh.

“Hiya, Liiiaaann. I’m a little upset and I decided to get very drunk,” replied Andrew, slurring his words and he giggled.

Lian rolled her eyes and grimly manoeuvred him out of the chair and into his bedroom. He was a big man but Lian was strong and knew how to manhandle people who were larger than her. He could just about stand on his own feet and she got him into his bed. She pulled the covers over him and placed some aspirin with a glass of water beside his bed. Then she went out and called people in to deal with his apartment.

Lian kept tabs on Andrew Garner because he was part of her family. He had been since he began seriously dating Melinda. He didn’t have any other family left and as Lian’s family was quite small, it was easy for her to do. Lian was fond of him and even though things hadn’t worked out for them, she saw no reason not to continue her own relationship with her daughter’s ex-husband.

This whole situation had been a complete disaster for all of them. Lian knew enough about what had happened in Bahrain because it was just too hard to keep secrets with a pregnancy. But Melinda had Phil and a loyal group of friends making sure that she got through it all. Lian kept very close tabs on her daughter and she was grateful to her daughter’s close-knit team. It was reassuring to know that her daughter was surrounded by good people who could be relied on to make sure that Melinda was well cared for. Besides, it was highly unlikely that Nick Fury would want another confrontation with her under any circumstances.

Andrew appeared to have shut down since they were officially divorced and had done a great job of pushing all his close friends away. When Lian found out that he had missed work without a good reason and could not be contacted by phone, she was puzzled but didn’t do anything initially.

Lian now knew that Andrew had decided to reached out and contact Melinda after months of not speaking to her. The timing couldn’t have been worse. This information had prompted Lian to immediately fly out to check on Andrew. Phil told her that he had picked up the phone without checking the caller ID at some point in the week after her grandchild was born due to utter exhaustion. No one replied when Phil said “Hello?” though he could hear someone breathing. The noise of the baby crying loudly had probably been the trigger for all this misery. Andrew had simply hung up with a click which then made Phil paranoid enough to check the caller ID. However, Phil had not mentioned the call from Andrew to her until about a day ago. That was when Lian started to really worry about Andrew’s uncharacteristic behaviour.

Lian kept herself occupied with stocking the kitchen and cooking as Andrew slept. The cleaners cleaned out most of the apartment but Andrew could deal with his own room later. Lian didn’t know who Andrew was close to now though she had the impression that he had been distancing himself from anyone who cared anyway. Andrew remained a part of her family and she would do what she could to help him. This was a challenge that she was more than capable of dealing with.

Lian May was a practical woman and she knew that Phil’s mother was helping them out right now while Lian herself preferred the option of visiting when the baby was a few months older. She did not feel the need to relive all the chaos that came with caring for a newborn baby while Julie Coulson seemed very eager and willing to do so. She gladly conceded the privilege. They didn’t need both grandmothers around. Lian knew that her ex-husband would no doubt snipe at her attitude but Lian had always been very pragmatic and realistic. William had done most of the childcare for Melinda and he had agreed to that when they had her.

When Andrew finally came out of his room, she had the table set and had a variety of food laid out. Andrew just looked at her dazed.

“Andrew, you need to eat something with having the aspirin. You probably can’t have too much and you’ll need to eat slowly,” Lian instructed, gesturing for him to sit down beside her. He obeyed her instructions without a word. He didn’t meet her eyes.

“Is there anyone that I can call for you? I’ve already explained to your office that you’ll need some time off. They are quite understanding,” explained Lian. She placed food in front of him in small portions and gave him more when he had finished it.

“Why are you here?” asked Andrew in a small voice, midway through the meal. He kept his eyes on his food as he ate slowly.

Lian took her time replying, “Because I consider you as part of my family. I know that none of this has been easy. But you will get through this, Andrew.”

“What’s the point?” he mumbled.

“Life has thrown you a lot of unexpected curveballs. That’s how it goes. You made your own choices too. Now you can choose to wallow in your depression and embrace being an alcoholic. Or you can talk to me and let me help. You need to talk to someone and I’m good at listening. You should also consider talking to a therapist,” said Lian, patiently.

“Does she? Do they know that you’re here?” asked Andrew forlornly.

“You need me here now,” said Lian, side-stepping the question.

Andrew closed his eyes and pushed his plate away. His head was pounding and he felt like he was going to throw up.

“I could hear the baby,” he whispered. Lian pushed a pail next to him.

“They are coping okay is all you need to know. You will be alright, Andrew Garner. You will get through this,” said Lian determinedly.

“I need a shower,” said Andrew after the nausea subsided. He just felt blank. It was going to be a tough road ahead.

***

“Lian is making sure that Andrew’s okay. She paid him a house call,” reported Maria to Phil while she cuddled the dark-eyed baby close.

“I probably should have told Lian earlier but it didn’t occur to me until she was on the phone,” grimaced Phil. He looked exhausted as the baby was demanding a feed every 3 hours. He had to prepare a bottle, feed, burp and then change the baby. The whole cycle was then usually repeated in under two hours. His mother was having a nap and would take over when she’d caught up on some sleep because it was utterly exhausting for two people.

“I think you can give yourself a break, Coulson. Andrew’s a grown man. How’s Mel doing?” said Maria.

Phil’s tortured expression told Maria everything she needed to know. Melinda May hadn’t said a word since she had given birth. By all accounts the labour and delivery were textbook perfect. The baby was healthy and doing fine. But Melinda was not well. She persistently refused to look at or touch her baby at all. She didn’t react at all to the baby’s cries. She seemed to be in a near catatonic state and barely responsive at all. It was a struggle to get her to eat anything Her face was blank and she was mostly in her bed. It had been a week since the delivery and they had all tried a lot of things to get through to her. No one really knew what else to do.

Chapter Text

“Do you know where she is, sir?” asked Phil Coulson wearily, walking into Fury’s office with his sleeping three-month-old son strapped to his chest. He looked exhausted, with dark circles under his eyes and the suit he wore was a little rumpled. He hadn’t even knocked on the door before entering. There was despair evident in his blue eyes.

“Agent Coulson, what are you doing in my office? You’re still on parental leave. As I recall, you took six months off,” said Nick Fury calmly.

“Please, Director Fury. I just need to know that she’s safe. If you don’t tell me, you’ll have to deal with her mother. I’ve called everyone else,” said Phil.

Fury looked at him in stony silence. Phil held his gaze steadily. He was beyond worried about Melinda May and he had no where else to go. His infant son continued to sleep peacefully.

“It’s classified,” Fury answered shortly.

Phil blinked and nodded slowly. “Can you tell me anything at all, sir?” he asked in a defeated voice.

“No, I can’t, Coulson,” replied Fury grimly.

“Can I get a message to her please?” said Coulson.

Fury sighed, “No guarantees, Agent Coulson. You know how it works.”

Phil swallowed hard, “I understand. Please, just tell her that we’ll be waiting for her to come home when she can. Thank you, Nick. We’ll go home now.”

Phil walked out, politely greeting those who said hello to him and glance curiously at his son. The lift doors opened as he was on his way down and Agent Natasha Romanov stepped in. He stared blankly ahead as Romanov stood next to him. He had already talked to her. He did not have the energy for any casual conversation, even with a friend.

“I’ll drive you guys home,” said Natasha when they got to his car. Phil didn’t argue. He gently secured baby Luke in his car capsule and got in beside him. They drove in silence.

When they reached Coulson’s apartment, Natasha went in and looked around the kitchen casually. She looked in the pantry and checked the refrigerator. She was keeping an eye on Coulson and his son while Barton and Hill were both away on a mission. The trio had formed an unspoken pact to help the Coulson family since May had disappeared. Then Natasha nodded to Phil and headed to the door.

“Did you know that she was leaving?” asked Phil in a hollow voice, not looking directly at her.

“No,” answered Natasha frankly, turning to look at him. As his friend, she was prepared to tolerate the repeated questioning. They had already been through this. She knew that he had asked Clint and Maria the same things. Laura Barton had coped graciously with Coulson’s unexpectedly desperate visit and hasty search of the Barton farm. Laura had simply cuddled Luke and kept silent.

“Romanov, can you find a way for me to talk to her, please?” Phil pleaded sadly.

“She’ll talk to you when she wants to, Phil,” Natasha told him. They both knew this was true. No one could ever make Melinda May do anything that she didn’t want to.

“What if she’ll never speak to me again?” asked Phil hopelessly.

“For what it’s worth, I think that she will, given some time,” said Natasha. That was the only shred of hope that she could afford to offer her friend. Maybe it was still too much. Natasha pondered on thoughts that she had become far too soft since leaving the Red Room. It was strange to have people that she cared deeply about.

“I thought that things were getting better for her, Natasha. For us. It’s been over a year since Bahrain,” said Phil.

“It’s only been just a little more than a year. Coulson, you must see that she’s not really had time to… process? Deal with it all? She focused on having Luke and now she must be able to come to terms with herself. With what she had to do in Bahrain,” said Natasha meaningfully.

“What more could I have done to help? Tell me what else I can do to get her back?” said Phil desperately.

After a heavy pause, Natasha replied, “I do not think that you could have done any more. May must do what she needs to”

“I need her back, Natasha. Luke needs his mother,” stated Phil.

“You and Luke will be okay, Phil. No matter what happens. I know you’ll make absolutely sure of that. May does too,” observed Natasha.

“I really thought that we were doing okay. The way she looked at Luke when she carried him. There were times when she looked happy but it clearly wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get her to stay with us,” said Phil bitterly.

“You cannot change who she is. This is how it needs to be right now. You must keep going because Luke needs at least one parent around. Trust me on this, he’s lucky to have even one parent that cares in his life. I’m sure that May would never have left him if she wasn’t sure that he would be completely safe. I know that she loves him. You both have other people around who care. We will be here for you and Luke,” said Natasha firmly

“How I wish we were enough for her to stay, Natasha. She’ll miss so much with Luke and I love her so much it hurts,” said Phil, a tear sliding down his cheek. Natasha put a hand on his shoulder. She had said everything that she needed to say. They breathed together for a while and Phil was grateful for the quiet support.

“Thank you for driving us home, Natasha. We’re very lucky to have you and all our wonderful friends,” said Phil, composing himself.

Natasha gazed at him. Then she stroked little Luke’s soft cheek, kissed him and left the apartment.

Far away, Melinda May stared intently at the images of her baby son and his father. She couldn’t hear them but she could see them. She didn’t activate the video feed much, just for a short period each day. She tried but could not manage without watching them for at least a few minutes every day. In her heart, she desperately wanted to be home with them but she was a cold-blooded monster. That was still true and Melinda knew that Luke and Phil would be a great deal better off without her in their lives. Working on missions for SHIELD would let her do some good in the world and help erase some of the red in her ledger. Melinda truly believed that this was the best course for everyone.