Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jim squeezes their eyes closed and concentrates on their breathing. They’re glad that the room is half-dark. They press their face into the crook of Oluwande’s neck anyway, hoping the surge of unease will subside if they just breathe in his scent and try to relax.

Olu squeezes their breast, plays with the nipple, and Jim wants to scream, wants him to stop, but they don’t have the words to do it in a way that won’t hurt their boyfriend, that won’t make him stop touching their chest forever. It’s not that it’s always like this. They sometimes enjoy it, but not tonight.

It doesn’t make sense. Olu is rocking gently inside them. That doesn’t make them feel strange, less of who they are. It’s nice, and Jim knows it will be more than nice as soon as Olu’s hand leaves its current place and wanders down to where they want it most.

Is that the reason for it? Impatience? Unlikely. Jim wouldn’t mind being teased a little before their boyfriend proves once more how skilled he is with his fingers. Just a few more moments, maybe minutes, and this will be over.

It’s not how it’s supposed to be, though, is it? Shouldn’t they enjoy everything they do together? Or at least feel comfortable pointing out if something isn’t working for them? Olu did by saying they shouldn’t caress his sides because he’s too ticklish. It should be just as easy. But it isn’t.

“You alright?” Olu asks, pulling back a little.

“Sure,” Jim says. It sounds like a lie to their own ears. Olu’s beautiful face creases with a frown. Jim averts their gaze and winces when Olu slips out of them. They didn’t mean to stop this. They like making love to their boyfriend. Not that they would ever call it that out loud.

“Jim,” Olu says, worry mixed with a pinch of irritation lacing the word.

“I don’t wanna talk about it. Come on, Olu,” Jim says and pushes him on his back, straddling him, but there’s no way in convincing the softness between his legs to continue. Stupid, sensitive boyfriend!

Olu cups Jim’s hips and looks up at them, waiting patiently. Jim breathes out a sigh.

“I didn’t like you touching my chest today. It’s nothing bad, really. It’ll pass.”

“Oh, babe. I’m sorry. I should have asked.”

Jim snorts a laugh. “That would have been sexy.”

“I could make it sound sexy,” Olu says with utter conviction.

Jim chuckles. “Sure. And then what? You like tetas.”

“I like your titties, and way more than them, actually. If they are out of the question, temporarily or always, I’m fine with that. I want to make you feel good. That’s my top priority.”

He pulls Jim down on his chest and into a kiss. “I love everything ‘bout you. But I get it if it’s difficult for you to do the same all the time. Just tell me?"

Jim nods, their nose brushing against Olu’s. “Promise.”

“Good.”

It sounds so easy. Maybe it is for him. Maybe he truly means it. Why would he? It's Jim’s doubts and worries gnawing on them. That Olu might just see them as a woman when they’re intimate. That Olu might not desire them. But it’s stupid. They can’t control how Olu sees them any better than Olu can control what parts of their body arouse him. But Olu can control what he does with his desires. If Jim tells him what they do and don’t like. If that wouldn't involve talking. But it’s worth it, they suppose.

“It’s harder, now that I’m Jim,” they murmur into Olu’s chest. “It was fine before that. Well not, fine but I ignored it. It’s harder, now that I feel more like myself.”

Olu hums in understanding. “You’re still figuring yourself out. I get it. I do, too. I always thought I’d be only attracted to women, and I’m obviously not.”

Jim pulls back a little, eyes narrowed in thought. “No, you aren’t. But does it matter?”

Olu chuckles. “Nah. Not really. I love you.” His eyes grow wide in panic. “Um, I mean…”

Jim snickers. “You’re such a softie,” they tease.

“Only for you,” Olu mumbles.

“Same,” Jim whispers. “I love you, too, Querio.”

Olu’s face lights up, putting the sun to shame. He pulls Jim closer and places a kiss on their temple. “Good that we agree on that,” he huffs.

“Yeah. But let’s stop being all sappy now, shall we?”

“Of course,” Olu says and smiles to himself.