Work Text:
“Oh my god. Is this— Are you seeing this?!”
“Wh-what’s going on?”
“This is a joke. It’s a joke, right, Lucifer? Amenadiel? Please, tell us this is a prank, or…”
“My god. They’re real. Real wings. They’re moving.”
“Oh. Em. Gee. This is SO COOL! Wow, I knew you weren’t a method actor!”
“What? You must be joking, Ms Lopez, that’s exactly what you thought. Despite my repeated refutations.”
“Uh, actually, I was starting to suspect… but, c’mon, denying it was so method!”
“And googling me would’ve revealed my only acting credits are a handful of adult films, all decades old… well, except for Get Thee Behind Me and its many sequels—”
“Lucifer!”
“Sorry Detective. TMI?”
“Excuse me! Hate to cut in. So… uh, Lucifer, you really are—”
“Wait Lieutenant! Stop! Stop saying his name! Invoking his name gives him power and a hold over your soul!”
“Oh please, that is bloody ridiculous, and frankly offensive. If someone could be damned by uttering my name, gosh, millions of my partners would be—”
“Lucifer!”
“Oh, sorry, it’s the TMI thing again, isn’t it?”
“Calm down, Johnson, I’m just talking to the guy, not pledging my immortal soul on an altar of goat’s blood.”
“He is not a guy. He is the Devil.”
“And hard pass on the goat’s blood. Repugnant creatures. If you want my attention, try talking, or send a text. A singing telegram if you’re feeling frisky. Skywriting at a pinch.”
“Wh-what is wrong with you all? We should be praying for Saint Michael to protect us from evil!”
“HA! Oh, yesss, that is perfect. You humans should definitely pray for Mike to protect you from big, bad Lucifer and me.”
“Why are you suggesting… no, this is some demonic trickery!”
“Johnson! Shut. Up. Please. At the very least, stop insulting the probably-very-dangerous supernatural beings! Now, Lucifer, just so we’re all on the same page here, you really are the Lucifer?”
“I rather think the big white glowing things on my back are sufficient proof that I am who I claim to be, Lieutenant.”
“Hey, um, if I can barge in here, to play Lucifer’s advocate? How do we know you’re angels, rather than, saaay, aliens, scouting for a suitable planet to colonize?”
“What. Ms Lopez, really—”
“Actually, I guess angels are aliens, but I meant it in a sci-fi sense, as in little green men. …Orrr, oh! You could be government super-soldier experiments, in which case, which of you is the clone and which is the original?”
“Ellen. They’re twin archangels. Duh. Both are assholes, but Mr librarian chic over here is the asshole who still owes me what we agreed on.”
“Dear, dear Mazikeen. A little patience, if you will. I’ll uphold my side of our agreement. In good time.”
“Don’t ‘dear Mazikeen’ me, you slimy—”
“Bollocks. This is a right bloody mess. Bit of a sloppy job with the time slow, bro. What gives?”
“Yes, Amenadiel, for once Sammy and I actually agree on something. You’re never sloppy. Did I punch you too hard? Knock some screws loose?”
“Shut up. I just… time just slipped away from me. Oh, Father will be upset. But in my defense, Mi, you did kick me right in the—.”
“Helloooo! What even is this? Have we all independently decided we’re magically ok with the fact Satan hangs out in the police precinct? Satan brings us donuts?”
“I prefer Lucifer, thank you, and I never heard you complain every time you elbowed people out of the way to grab the strawberry krullers. You’re making a very big deal out of all this.”
“A big deal, are you fucking kidding me?!”
“Not at all. Don’t overthink it.”
“Shit shit shit. Are we going straight to Hell when we die?”
“Buggered if I know. That’s up to you. I’m just here for crime-solving, and I certainly don’t wish any of you harm, except… hmm, jury’s still out on Daniel.”
“Hey man, I’m real sorry I shot you, ok? I thought I was—”
“You shot him? What the heck, Dan?”
“I was terrified out of my goddamn mind, Ella! A real-life angel flew down from Heaven and told me to kill the Devil to save Trixie and me and everyone else. I didn’t know at the time the supposed angel is really the evil twin!”
“But I thought… angels are supposed to be holy and good. What sort of person would order a hit on their own brother?”
“Ahem. If you don’t all mind. So, clearly, Decker and Espinoza already knew. That the Devil himself is on our payroll, and didn’t think to share this information with me.”
“Technically, Lucifer doesn’t get paid, Lieutenant. He’s my volunteer civilian consultant.”
“Gee, thanks for clearing that up, I can sleep easy now. And hey! Just to cluster up the fuckery some more, Mazikeen Smith the actual demon is on payroll, too.”
“Damn straight I am, and you bitches are all lucky to have me.”
“As Lieutenant, I should’ve been told about this, and I think we deserve answers to our questions. Like, what did you mean by— Flores drop the weapon!”
“Wait, don’t!”
BANG!
“Ex-cuse me?”
“Y-you’re ok. Oh shit, I tried to kill Satan!”
“And congrats, you murdered my shirt instead. Just look at that hole. They don’t make this color any more, you know, and it’s the Detective’s favorite on me.”
“I’m sorry, don’t hurt me! Please don’t drag me down to Hell!”
“Ugh, why do humans persist in thinking I’m some infernal psychopomp? I do not. Drag humans. To Hell. Ok? But I am taking your gun.”
Fwoosh!
“What the hell Lucifer was that… was that you? Ohmigod did you just Force-pull Flores’ gun, for real?!”
“Ms Lopez, this isn’t Star Trek. I’m the Devil, not Darth Whoever.”
“Star Wars. And Darth— Never mind. How is the gun stuck on the ceiling? Wait! Lemme guess, you’re telekinetic! Do you all have powers like-but-not-really-Jedi?”
“Lucifer, babe, can you maybe, um, bring the gun down? Or at least stop it… drifting around in circles up there, because it’s kinda creepy.”
“Certainly, Detective, provided my ensemble is safe from further assault. I don’t appreciate being shot, especially at such alarming frequency.”
“Fair enough. Flores, you wanna apologize to Lucifer for shooting him?”
“Um… s-sorry. I just panicked and, and, my family is super-religious and, and I thought for a moment it might be the right thing and— Did you mean it before, that thing you said about souls?”
“Oh bloody hell, I don’t want your soul! I don’t want anyone’s soul. Your soul belongs to no-one but yourself. And Dad I suppose, assuming He cares. Here, take your stupid gun, and if you must shoot me again, at least have the decency to wait until I have fewer clothes on.”
Fwoosh!
“Good. Thanks babe. And now that our weekly let’s-send-Lucifer-to-Hell attempt is behind us…”
Splash!
“You’re shitting me. Twice in one day? Really?”
“Oh ho, that’s priceless! I just keep underestimating how moronic you bipedal monkeys really are, but I’m diggin’ the logic, thinking holy water will harm Sammy. He’s still a divine being. And you just saw a bullet bounce off him. What were you thinking, dumbass?”
“I, I, um, I just thought, see, in the movies—”
“Clearly, Nameless Uni, you did not think enough. Thanks a lot for the wet feathers. I suppose this was your attempt at exorcising me, correct?”
“Y-yes. Sorry?”
“Hate to disappoint, but I can’t be exorcised, and neither can this supremely disloyal demon here. We’re not possessing anyone.”
“And you listen here. Lucifer may be pretty chill about it, but if you ever toss church juice on me, I’ll shove that stupid vial so far up your ass you’ll be gagging on it for days. Why the hell carry that stuff around anyway?”
“OK! Enough threats of violence, yeah? Can you please explain what is going on here? Lucifer, what happened after you left me in the evidence closet? Why did your evil doppelganger turn up? And WHY do you all have your freaking WINGS out in broad daylight?!”
“Happy to provide clarity, Detective, and apologies for the ruckus. It started when my dickhead twin showed up to needle Amenadiel’s fears over Charlie’s apparent mortality and—”
“Nothing ‘apparent’ about it. Little Chucky will wither and die just like the rest of these filthy creatures.”
POW!
“Oof, nice swing, Amenadude! Knocked a few of his screws loose, I bet.”
“Thanks, Ella.”
“I’d offer to hit him with my shoe, buuut… after seeing Lucifer tank a bullet, it seems a bit pointless.”
“Don’t let that stop you.”
“Anyway. Detective, as I was saying. Fears thoroughly needled, my brother snapped and froze time whilst you and I were talking. Celestial and infernal beings aren’t affected by the time stop, and the four of us had a… tussle, while you humans were frozen. Amenadiel unfortunately lost his hold on time, and here we are.”
“…Ok. That’s a lot to unpack. But, you all have your wings out. In front of everyone.”
“Your granny panties will have to stay in a twist, Decker. These bozos won’t be stashing the feathers until they’ve calmed down more. When they’re this keyed up, they’ll just spontaneously unfurl again. All angels are idiots.”
“That doesn’t reassure me, Maze.”
“Pfft, who says I was trying to reassure you? I don’t do reassurance.”
“No, evidently not. What you do is betray us all, again.”
“I’m just a demon, what do you expect?”
“And Lucifer is the Devil, and probably the most loyal person I know. You have no excuse for teaming up with the jealous loser who kidnapped me.”
“Hey! I pulled out all the stops to be a nice, accommodating kidnapper, you know. First-class flight, a warm cave with feature rocks, I even bought your ridiculous coffee, and you’re still whining? Talk about hard to please.”
“You know what, you’re absolutely right. I should’ve put the effort in, tried to vibe with the whole, 1960’s, abandoned zoo ambience you had going.”
“Ha ha Chloe. And by the way, ‘be not afraid’ on the divine revelation front. Your primitive species is a generation removed from dwelling in trees, and barely capable of bashing rocks together. I’m sure your colleagues will chalk this up to a mass hallucination and go back to willfully ignoring all the blatantly weird stuff Sam does. Just like you used to.”
“Don’t you dare insult the Detective like that!”
“All humans are pathetic, Samael. We shaped the entire universe without screwing it up, and these apes can’t even look after one measly planet properly. Pathetic.”
“You two shaped the universe? No way! That’s amazeballs! Lu, I so wanna give you a hug right now, but your wings look hella sharp.”
“Apologies for the prickliness, Ms Lopez. Best to keep your distance. When we’re agitated, the primary feathers turn into blades.”
“Wowzer, that’s a major glomp-killer. How about if I’m reaaaally careful?”
“I prefer your fingers stay attached to your hands.”
“Fine. I’ll wait till you’re chillaxing. Can I have a feather when you molt? Do you molt?”
“We’re not birds.”
“That’s not a no. And gotta say, you sound defensive about it, which makes me wonder.”
“Well it shouldn’t.”
“Too late, headcanon established. Is molting a seasonal thing? Does Heaven even have seasons?”
“We are not part-avian, Ms Lopez. We can take many forms, and this winged human look is merely one of them.”
“Wow, really? Is it like reskinning, but for your soul? I admit, I did think it’s a little weird how you’re just like people with wings, because angels in the bible are meant to look c-raaay-zy.”
“Oh, we can do crazy.”
“Luci, no! Wait—”
WHOOSH!
“Wooooaaah. Awesome!”
“What the FUCK! What the fuck are you?!”
“Holy mother of god, what is that?!”
WHOOSH!
“There, satisfied? Not a bird. And as you just saw, fewer eyeballs than Ezekiel claimed, but still, plenty of eldritch messiness to go around. Extra-flamey-glowy for me, naturally, since Light is my domain.”
“Oh shut up, Sam.”
“Welp, brain officially bent. That was insane, Luce…ifer. But, I thought you’d be bigger, as a… as a wheel-being. Or were you an orb? A sphere? The geometry of it is kinda melting the grey matter.”
“This building and the presence of mortals are limiting factors. That form is usually… let’s just say a lot bigger.”
“How big if you really hulked out?”
“Bigger.”
“How much?”
“Lots.”
“How many orders of magnitude bigger are we talking about?”
“Luci, you shouldn’t shift to any higher-dimensional form at any size on Earth. It’s dangerous.”
“Spoilsport.”
“That’s your boyfriend, Chlo’. What you take to your bed. A fiery-lightningy-spinning-halo-angel thing.”
“First off, Dan, Lucifer is not a what or a thing, no matter how many eyeballs he has. Second, it’s not like he goes to bed wearing all the extra bits.”
“And don’t forget that practically half of LA has already taken him to their beds.”
“Wow, thanks for the reminder, Maze.”
“No worries Decker, you know I’ve got your back.”
“Do you? Really? Then maybe you can explain why you made some kind of deal with the guy who kidnapped me?”
“Yes, Maze, I too find it hard to believe you’d turn against me after you damn well knew he was threatening my son.”
“I wouldn’t have if Lucifer hadn’t hid my mother from me! Want someone to blame? Blame him.”
“I refuse to shoulder the blame for your actions, Mazikeen.”
“You hid my mother from me!”
“Right. You mean the same mother you never mentioned, except to say you despised her? Who you never showed the slightest interest in seeing? Who made me give my word not to tell about her? I’m not a mind-reader, how was I to know you suddenly changed your mind? You seem to think my intentions were malicious, but instead of just talking to me, you went from zero to bladed fury in five seconds.”
“Is that what this fight is about? Why didn’t you two just talk it out? Maze, why run off to Michael? …I thought we were friends.”
“We are, Decker, I just—”
“Hold up! Hold the phone…. That’s Michael? Saint Michael is the Devil’s twin brother?! Dude, I’ve got a medallion of you, and my abuelita says prayers to you all the time, and you’re… you’re really this major jerk who sets out to hurt his own family? This sucks!”
“Ms Lopez, they do say never to meet your heroes. Sorry my twin is such a monumental disappointment.”
“Shove it sideways, Samael.”
“I can’t believe you kidnapped Chloe! Do you know how frantic we were, thinking something terrible had happened? Dick move. Total dick move. And Maze, how could you turn on your friends?”
“He promised me a soul!”
“WHAT? Are you saying the Devil doesn’t steal souls, but Saint Michael does? …Oh… oh, it’s not going to be one of our souls, is it?”
“No no, Ellen, I don’t want a soul to torture, I want a soul of my own. Demons don’t have souls, and I want one.”
“Maze. Maze, remember our discussion at my place. You don’t need a soul to form lasting and meaningful connections with people.”
“Yes, I do! That’s why she left me, Linda!”
“She didn’t leave because of you. And what about me? So far, you haven’t needed a soul for us to care about each other, and I consider you my best friend.”
“Well… yeah. For the record, you’re the person I least want to disembowel, too.”
“Thanks?”
“Mazikeen, what did my twin promise you, exactly? Because, I’m sorry, no angel can create a soul. Only God or Goddess can.”
“G-Goddess? Goddess?!”
“Later, Dan. We ain’t here to talk about your ex. And you’re wrong, Lucifer. You seem to forget you and Michael are the fucking Demiurge, not some garden-variety angels.”
“I don’t know what he’s told you, but Michael and I aren’t omnipotent. Even with our powers combined, we—”
“I never said I’d do the actual soul-making. I merely promised Mazikeen an audience with Father.”
“Very funny. How exactly are you planning to get the most deadbeat dad in the universe to bend to your will, Mikey?”
“Hmm… you’ll see. In fact, if I know Father, I think it’ll be any moment now.”
“What do you— Huh?”
“Heeey… um, Lucifer? Amenadiel? You’re kinda freaking us all out here. Why did you suddenly look… up?”
“Oh hell, the angels are looking towards Heaven!”
“Are they listening to something, do you think? Or, ooooh, maybe someone.”
“Hey! Amenadiel? Earth to Amenadiel? Lucifer? Care to enlighten us?”
“Oi! Birdbrains!”
“It’s Dad. I can’t believe it. He’s… putting out sort of, uh, a celestial PA message.”
“What.”
“Your dad. As in—”
“God?!”
“God is telling you all something. Holy shit.”
“How dare he. Radio silence for eon after eon, and now He suddenly starts broadcasting again?”
“W-what is it, Lucifer? What did God say to you all?”
“Oh, Mikey, seems like you miscalculated. Dad sounds none too pleased with you.”
“Lucifer! Lucifer, can you tell us what’s happening? Lucifer?”
“Sorry Detective, of course. Dad said He’s coming.”
“He’s… what?!”
“He’s here.”
“Children. You know I hate it when you fight.”