Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They’re all pretty quiet on their way home from school. Will almost hopes it’s because they feel sorry for him and not because they figured him out.

“Why are you even still hanging out with him? Aren’t you scared he’ll fall in love with you? Disgusting little fag,” had been Troy’s parting shot before he decided he was finally bored of tormenting them and left. 

And it had torn through Will like a knife. That was his worst fear. His friends finding out and just being so repulsed by him that they would stop hanging out with him. Not just because he loved them and wanted them in his life, but also because then he would be all alone. Jonathan would go to college soon, but ever since he’d gotten together with Nancy, he hadn’t spent much time with him. And he was his brother anyways. Even if he felt obligated to hang out with Will, he still would ask questions. And then he would be gone too. Will absolutely refused to even think about telling his mother. She had tried to defend him from Lonnie, but that was different. She hadn’t thought the things his father said about him were true. If she knew… she can’t know.

Mike figuring it out scares him most. Because it wouldn’t be purely theoretical for him. Will is actually in love with Mike, no matter how much he tries not to be. He has no doubt that Mike would never trust him again if he finds out. If he knew the things that Will wants when the lights are out and he can’t escape his thoughts anymore because there are no distractions left.

The sound of screeching brakes breaks him out of his thoughts. When he looks over his shoulder it’s to discover that Dustin has just stopped, in the middle of the road, a frown on his face.

“Hey dude, are you okay?” Lucas asks. But Dustin just distorts his face even more by squinting.

“Dustin?” That’s Mike. They’ve all stopped by now.

“You know,” Dustin says. “I never noticed, but for someone who claims to hate queer people, Troy is sure obsessed with them.”

Will scoffs a little helpless laugh and the others join him.

“No, but think about it! He’s, like, the whole reason I even found out that was a thing that existed! He started calling Will names and I had to ask my Mom what they meant. I’ve never heard anyone even refer to queers in day-to-day life like that’s something that takes up their thoughts. If that is where he goes for insults, it must be because he’s already been thinking about it.”

That is just… Will doesn’t know what to say. On the one hand, Dustin is right. On the other hand, this makes him really uncomfortable. They shouldn’t talk about this. For so many reasons. I’ve never heard anyone refer to queers in day-to-day life , Dustin said. And he doesn’t even know he’s been sitting next to one in Mike’s basement for years. His stomach churns.

“Maybe he’s just been checking out guys and it makes him insecure. I could see how that would happen,” Mike says from behind Will. And… what?

Lukas grimaces. “Are you saying that Troy is queer?”

“No, not at all. But, like, we don’t know his family. Maybe just looking at other guys and finding them attractive scares him.”

Will is grateful when it looks like none of them understands what Mike means. Because he sure doesn’t. Since when do normal boys look at other boys and find them attractive? Surely he’d have heard about that. If that was a thing, he wouldn’t always need to be so scared of lingering on someone with his eyes. Mostly Mike.

“I have no idea what you mean,” Dustin says.

Mike rolls his eyes. “Doesn’t matter anyways.” He cuts a quick glance at Will. “I thought we’d agreed to not speculate on peoples’ sexualities because it’s mean?”

“We did!” Will says. “And it doesn’t matter anyways, does it? He’s a horrible person.”

Lucas nods, but Dustin still seems a bit distracted. 

“Exactly!” Mike says. “We should stop talking about it.”

Dustin mutters a bit, but ultimately agrees. Will feels like a weight has been lifted from his lungs.

But they do, in fact, not stop talking about it.

“So let me get this straight. You think it’s totally normal for a guy to be checking out other guys.” Lucas is lounging in the bean bag, feet propped up on a case of empty lemonade bottles. The look on his face gives Will pause. He looks… suspicious maybe? Sceptical? But not disgusted. It’s just one of Lucas’ completely standard facial expressions. But then again, maybe that’s because this is Mike. Mike can sometimes be incredibly dense about the most obvious things - and it’s not like he said he was checking out other boys.

“Oh come on! Just yesterday I heard you say that Steve gets a lot of dates because he is, and I quote, really fucking hot and has great hair. ” Will can only marvel at how open Mike’s face is. The only emotion he can really read on it is exasperation. The other boy isn’t scared. They all know what it looks like when Mike is scared - and this isn’t it.

“Yeah, but I didn’t come up with that. That’s what Jessica said - you know, the blonde girl from Calculus? Apparently, Steve is very easy on the eyes.”

Mike raises an eyebrow. “You have eyes. Don’t you agree?”

“Well, I can see he isn’t ugly. But that is, like, so far from checking him out.” When Mike just scrunches up his forehead, Lucas sighs and turns to Dustin and Will. “Back me up here, guys!”

Will can’t say anything. Even if he came up with anything, he’s sure that he wouldn’t be able to get the words past his throat. It feels like something is lodged in it.

Dustin doesn’t have that problem, because of course he doesn’t. “Yeah, Mike. Are you saying you were checking out your sister’s boyfriend? That’s kind of weird.” He sounds delighted, the way he always does when he gets to tease someone about something that he thinks he noticed first.

And now Mike gets defensive. “Of course not. He was an absolute asshole when they were together.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Assholes are extremely unattractive,” Mike says, like that explains everything. There is red dusted high on his cheeks now, but he still doesn’t look embarrassed. Like he doesn’t think that there is anything wrong with thinking guys are attractive as long as they’re nice people. Stop it, Will scolds himself. He can’t think like that. It’s dangerous.

“Yeah, but so are all other guys,” Lucas says. “There is nothing attractive about them!”

And suddenly, it hits Will. That’s what’s happening!

“Maybe we’re getting our wires crossed here. Attractive can mean different things.” He turns to Mike, and he can feel how wide his eyes are, but there’s nothing for it now. Mike is his best friend. This should not be happening to him. People can’t think of him like this. “You mean like… like a painting? You know, proportional, the way everyone knows if someone is attractive in theory?”

“No, I mean like nice to look at.” 

“Mike, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but that sounds gay,” Dustin says. “Like, no offence. But a guy just doesn’t think that other guys are nice to look at. ”

“Oh.” Mike’s eyes are wide and dark, his eyebrows slightly raised. Will wants to touch him. He wants to tell the other guys to leave and just hug Mike and never let him go. He doesn’t really know what’s going on here, but he’s had that moment. That oh- Moment. Only he was alone. There was noone there to make fun of him. This has to feel horrible.

But Mike, oblivious as always, just powers through. “But I’m not gay, though. I like girls. I like looking at girls. I really liked El, we were together for months. That was great! I wasn’t lying about that.”

The reminder stings a bit, but Will also knows that Mike hasn’t dated anyone since.

“Yeah, but you haven’t had a girlfriend since you broke up. Dude, you’re fifteen. I know for a fact that several girls have been interested in you. You never take them up on it.” Apparently, Lucas has noticed too. And now he’s starting to look a bit… pinched. Which isn’t good, but it doesn’t really ratchet Will’s anxiety up even further because it’s already at quite a high level. It’s like someone has connected him to a battery and now the electricity is just coursing through him, looking for a place to escape. He’s in flight mode. And if this was about him, he would make some flimsy excuse and flee - but it isn’t about him. For once.

“What, you need to constantly be in relationships to not be queer now? That doesn’t even make sense!” Mike’s voice is getting higher and higher now, distressed. It makes Will want to reach out and take his hand to calm him down. That always used to work when they were little. But he can’t do that, especially right now.

Going by the look on Lucas’ face, he agrees - but still doesn’t think this is quite right. So he looks at Dustin. And then they’re all looking at Dustin like he has the answers.

The curly-haired boy pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “Alright, let’s backtrack. Mike?” He waits until Mike has nodded his head in acknowledgement. “Did I understand it correctly that you’re looking at guys the way you’re looking at girls? Is that what you’re saying?”

Again, Mike says “Yes”. Will’s heart almost breaks at the way his voice cracks on just that little word. “But it’s different.”

“How is it different?” Dustin asks.

“Well, because they’re guys. And I like girls.” He says it as if it should be obvious. But Will just doesn’t understand, however much he wants to. Because Mike isn’t like him. Mike likes girls, Mike looks at girls and wants to be with them. And Will doesn’t. Just the thought of it feels wrong.

“But you feel about them the same way?”

“No?” It sounds like a question.

Dusty sighs again and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. But he still doesn’t look angry or disgusted. He just looks… tired, maybe? A little frustrated? Confused? His face is very scrunched up. And that is the moment when, for the first time, Will thinks that maybe they wouldn’t hate him. At least Dustin wouldn’t. He might be weirded out a bit, but the way he’s trying to talk Mike through this even though he clearly has no idea how to, is making his stomach flutter. Maybe Dustin would be okay with Will liking boys.

“How is it different?” he asks.

“Well, it’s not like I look at all guys and think they’re attractive.”

“I don’t look at all girls and think they’re attractive. And not just since I have a girlfriend, it’s always been that way. Do you look at all girls and think they’re attractive?”

That question makes Mike scrunch his nose up. “No, definitely not.”

“So how is that different, then?” Dustin probes lightly. His voice is nonchalant, like they’re talking about the weather. Will has never been so glad to be friends with him. 

But Mike doesn’t answer the question. For the first time this afternoon, he looks truly lost. His eyebrows are drawing together, closer and closer, like a sign of impending doom. Will doesn’t think this is good. If Mike gets frustrated about this, he could just explode at them and then never bring the subject up ever again. He does that sometimes. And Will really doesn’t want that to happen. 

“Okay, new approach,” Dusty says, because apparently he doesn’t want that to happen either. “If you met a guy and you thought he was nice to look at and you… you had interesting conversations and laughed together and everything. Do you think you could want to date him like you would date a girl?”

Lucas clearly doesn’t, going by the face he makes. But he keeps quiet, because even he seems to notice that this is something to be careful about.

“But that’s just friendship. Having good conversations and laughing and doing things together. Will and I do that. We all do that.”

It’s getting increasingly hard to breathe. Will and I do that. What is that supposed to mean? Does Mike know that he glossed over the “nice to look at”-part? Will knows. He just doesn’t know what it means. A crystal ball would be really helpful right about now.

“Yeah, but I don’t wanna kiss you.”

Mike immediately clams up. “I didn’t say anything about kissing.”

Dustin sighs again. Then he turns to Will and oh no. “Help me out here?”

Will shrugs helplessly. “What do you want me to say?”

“Well, do you think what I just described sounds like a situation in which one person might wanna kiss the other person?”

This feels like a trap. It really does. “If they thought the other person was nice to look at, maybe.” His voice is quiet, quieter than he’d like, but at least it’s firm. The only problem is that now Mike is looking at him . Will liked it better when he was still looking at Dustin. That was safer. His friends flushed face, mouth slightly open in confusion, just looks way too tempting. Will doesn’t think he’s ever wanted to kiss him more than right now. His hands twitch.

“But how is that different from friendship?” Mike asks.

“I think if you want to kiss someone, that’s a bit more than friendship,” Will says, because he’s a masochist. That’s how he knew that he liked boys, and Mike specifically. He wanted to kiss him. He’d never wanted to kiss Dustin or Lucas. They were just his friends. Very important, just not like that.

Now, Mike looks almost panicked - and rooted to the spot. That’s not good. He’s always moving, even if he’s just picking at his fingernails or tapping his foot. Not now. Not, he isn’t moving a muscle, just staring Will straight in the eyes. And Will is terrified of what he might find in there. So he makes the executive decision to end the conversation. It’s pretty obvious that if he doesn’t, Mike will do it for him.

“Speaking of, didn’t you get that movie? The one that’s supposedly the kiss of death for good storytelling in cinema?”

It’s flimsy and they all know it, but at least Mike did say that. He’s a bit of a snob about storytelling and movies.

Mike shakes himself out of his reverie, grins, and says: “Of course! Who wants popcorn?”

It’s been a week and Will still can’t stop thinking about that conversation and what it might mean. Mike checks out guys and thinks some of them are nice to look at. This was never supposed to happen. Will is almost angry at the universe. Why? Why make this even more difficult for him? Because this will undoubtedly end up being a misunderstanding and absolutely crush even the tiny kernel of hope that he’s harbouring right now.

The messed up thing is that Will is almost angry at Mike, even though he definitely doesn’t deserve it. He isn’t doing this to be mean. He’s genuinely confused and made himself incredibly vulnerable by just talking about it. This is not about Will. This wasn’t even about queerness, at least as far as Mike was concerned in the beginning. He just made one little comment about how he thought the world worked and consequently got his whole reality turned upside down.

And Will can tell it bothers him. Mike has been very absent these last few days, much more than Will has. He’s constantly frowning, his expression caught somewhere between confusion and anger. That feeling is familiar to Will. It makes him want to hug his friend even more - but he just doesn’t trust himself right now. Even if Mike wanted a hug, Will is not sure that he won’t say something stupid like “don’t worry, I was confused too” or “you could kiss me to find out if you’d like it”. That scenario has been playing in his head way too often in the last days and nights. 

Right now, they're sitting under the large chestnut tree next to the library. None of them really knows why. Dustin’s tone of voice had brokered no argument when he had told them they were going to come with them. Max, of course, had rolled her eyes and still decided to just go do something with El, but Dustin had seemed almost glad of it.

The tree has stopped blooming and little dried up flowers are softly raining down around them. Mike already has some in his hair, but he doesn’t seem to notice, too caught up in his thoughts. When Will reaches out to brush them off his head, though, he flinches back - and that would probably hurt if it wasn’t so obvious that he had just been caught off guard.

“You have pieces of tree in your hair,” he explains, but retracts his hand anyways. Maybe Mike doesn’t want to be touched right now. He can respect that.

“Oh.” Mike grins and then shakes his head far too wildly, hair whipping back and forth. It’s gotten pretty long over the last months, but it doesn’t make him look girly. If anything, it makes him look more like Mike.

Mike who seems to want to tell him something while he’s brushing through his hair with his fingers to return it to some semblance of order, but is distracted by Dustin exiting the library.

“Finally!” Lucas shouts to cover the distance. “What took you so long?”

But Dustin just gestures, which Will takes to mean that he’ll tell them when he reaches them. Which is interesting, because since when is Dusty passing up opportunities to scream?

It takes him a bit to reach them, but then he says “Catch!” and lobs something at Mike’s head. It hits him straight in the face and Will can barely hold on to it before it lands on the slightly damp grass. It’s a pamphlet, small and unassuming except for the title. “Am I queer? Answers to some of the questions you might have” it proclaims in plain black lettering. Will flushes.

“What is this?”

Dustin takes his jacket off to lay it on the ground before be plops down next to them. “Well, I asked Steve, and he asked an anonymous source , whatever that means, and they said to tell “that poor kid” to check this out of the library. Apparently you’re supposed to read up on what bisexuality is.”

Mikes eyes grow huge. “You talked to Steve about me? Why would you do that? That’s not-”

But Dustin is already waving his protests off. “Nah. I said I was asking for a friend. Not sure he believed me, though. If there’s rumors starting up about me being bisexual, you all know who you have to go make disappointed faces at.”

The pink in Mike's cheeks is too tempting, so Will hands him the pamphlet and sits on his fingers.

“And why did you go and check it out instead?”

Dustin gives him a look that conveys “oh please” as loudly as if he had said it. “I knew the title. Would you have gone up to the counter and told the librarian that you wanted to take this home?”

That makes Mike's face turn an even deeper red. He lowers his head to look at the little booklet in his hands, turns it over and back again. “No.”

“Exactly. Look, you don’t have to read it. You can give it back to me and I’ll return it without ever knowing if you did. But you will take it home with you today and you’re only allowed to give it back to me on Friday at the earliest. Understood?”

Mike nods.

“Okay. And now I want ice cream.”

Knowing that Mike has that pamphlet makes Will even antsier. Not just because of what it might mean, but also because he wants to read it too. Bisexuality? He’s never heard of it. He’s not stupid, he can look at words, so he knows that it must mean that you like both girls and guys. But he hadn’t known that that was possible. Apparently, none of them had, including Mike. And thinking back to all that Mike had said… that makes sense.

Will can’t even imagine. He had been sure that he didn’t like girls like other boys did by age eight. And he’s known he is homosexual ever since he had a word for it that isn’t a slur. But he only likes boys. People talk about people like him, sometimes with hushed voices and sometimes with vitriol. But they do talk.

If Mike is bisexual and hadn’t even heard about that since earlier this day, that must have been difficult. Confusing. It doesn’t seem like it was horrible, because clearly Mike has managed to just go through life thinking he is at least vaguely normal up until now. But that doesn’t mean that he hasn’t been confused or felt bad. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t had a crush on a boy and not known what to do about it because he didn’t know what it was. The statement Will and I do that is still echoing through his head.

And Dustin just… Will needs to buy Dustin flowers. Or maybe something less girly that also conveys gratitude. Because he’s just been so great. He’s so kind and understanding to Mike, hasn’t made one snide comment since the one about Steve - which was, admittedly, kind of justified. He hasn’t spooked Mike, made him be angry and run away, like he so easily could have. Even unintentionally. No, everything about this has been intentional. That’s what makes it so great. Dustin even went and got help, risked that someone might think that he himself is queer. If this was a war, he would call him an ally. Especially because Will thinks that Dustin might also be the one keeping Lucas in line. He is usually the first one to make a slightly insensitive remark about a topic, especially when it confuses him. So maybe Dustin took him aside so they could talk it out away from Mike? Flowers might not be enough. Mike is important . He doesn’t want Mike to hurt. Ever.

The doorbell rings. A quick look at his watch confirms for Will that this is unusual - way too late. Packages don’t come this late, planned visitors don’t come this late and Jehova’s Witnesses certainly don’t. He thinks for a moment that it might be Jonathan’s stoner friend - Archie? - but then his mother calls for him.

“Will? Mike is here!”

Mike is here. Why is Mike here? At 8pm, after dinner on a school night? That doesn’t usually happen. Mike’s parents are strict about that sort of thing. He runs out of his room so quickly that his socked feet almost make him slip on the stairs. But he feels like his hurry was justified when he sees Mike’s face. It’s very pale, his eyes large and lips bitten red. And is he shivering? He might be. But it’s still cold outside in the evenings, so maybe that’s why.

His mother looks up to him from where Mike is standing and then back to his friend, a pensive look on her face. “This seems urgent, so I’ll allow it. But I will call Mrs. Wheeler and tell her you are here. And you need to leave in one and a half hours. You guys have school tomorrow.”

They both nod, but neither of them says a word. Mike is gripping the strap of his backpack like it might get ripped away from him, and Will thinks he knows why. His stomach contracts uncomfortably. But he reaches out his hand from where he’s still standing at the bottom of the stairs.

“Do you want to go to my room?”

And all of a sudden, Mike is moving again, nodding and zipping up the stairs.

When Will’s mother shouts “Shoes!” it is already too late. Will doesn’t particularly care. He takes a deep breath and follows his friend up the stairs. This could be difficult. But he can’t be too scared, he needs to be calm for this. Because Mike is scared and Mike came here to talk or to maybe take his mind off it, who knows. Will won’t be able to help him if he’s a nervous mess.

“Can you lock the door?” is the first thing Mike says once they’re in Will’s room. And the thing is… Will could. He found the key at one point and secretly took it. So he could lock the door. But he’s been saving it for a moment of crisis when he really needs people to stay out of his room. If they find out about him, for example. If he locks the door now and his mother notices, then he will have to give the key back.

But Mike is in crisis right now, that much is obvious from the look on his face. And there is nothing he wouldn’t do for Mike. So he takes his secret book safe out of his bookshelf, gets the key and locks the door as slowly and quietly as he can.

He can hear the beat of Jonathan’s music coming through the wall. Usually, this would annoy him. But today… Today it means he can motion in the direction of the music and say: “No one’s gonna hear us.” 

He does his best to not think about other situations in which someone might say that. In which he might say that. To Mike. It isn’t difficult when Mike promptly buries his head in his hands and lets out a noise, almost a shout, of frustration.

When more isn’t forthcoming, Will sits down across from Mike on the rug. “Is there anything I can do?”

Reluctantly, Mike sits up and opens his backpack, throwing the pamphlet between them. “Have you ever read something like this?” he asks, his voice hoarse.

Will shakes his head.

“Really?” Mike seems surprised about this, almost like he doesn’t believe him. Will most definitely does not want to think about the implications of that. 

“If someone saw me signing something like that out of the library, my life would be over,” he says and immediately wants to kick himself. More fear is definitely not something Mike needs right now. Will should just do his best to ease his worries and help him live his life continuing to be happily heterosexual. That would be the best thing for Mike.

But the face Mike makes at that proclamation is more sad than scared. “Right.” He starts gnawing on his lip, which is, frankly, inconvenient. Will adjusts to sit criss-cross applesauce and wedges his hands under his thighs just as a precaution.

“It’s very different,” Mike says. “It’s not what I expected. There’s a whole chapter about why it’s okay to be queer and arguments you can use to talk to your family and stuff like that. I think…” He hesitates. “I think it was written for people who already have a lot of trouble because they’re queer or because people think they’re queer. People like you.”

Oh. Oh no. An ice cold shiver races down Will’s spine and all of a sudden he does hope that Mike looks scared because of something he thinks or found out about himself. Because if Mike is scared to talk to Will and if this is what he wants to talk about, that would mean… It would not be good.

“I don’t think arguments would work on Troy,” he says, carefully. “About anything, really. He’s not exactly a rational person.”

That sends a quick grin across Mike’s face. “True. But that’s not what I mean. The people who wrote this were very careful. They want people to feel good about themselves. It’s nice.”

And that is nice, but as a contribution to this conversation, it isn’t exactly helpful.

“Why are you telling me this?” Will asks. He sends a silent prayer to the heavens that the answer won’t escalate into Mike hating him.

“No reason, really. It just made me read the whole thing. This is not like a schoolbook, it’s actually very interestings. There’s loads of different ways people can be. I had no idea.”

Will also has no idea, because he genuinely has never read anything about the topic that wasn’t about the AIDS-epidemic. And he avoids those articles if he can, because he’s already scared enough. All he can think of to say is “Oh. That’s nice.”

After that, Mike falls silent again and Will starts to wonder if he should be asking questions. That could prompt Mike to speak - maybe it would be easier if he didn’t have to start the conversation. On the other hand: What if he’s not talking yet because he isn’t ready? Maybe he’s still uncomfortable. They could just spend the evening sitting here silently, who knows. It’s not like Will would mind.

But it turns out that Will doesn’t have to take the initiative.

“So, I read the section on bisexuality, like, three times,” Mike says. He’s fidgeting now, picking at the skin around his fingernails and tapping his foot. “And, uhm… it makes sense? But it’s also very confusing. I honestly still don’t know if that’s me. A-and I just wanted you to talk through this with me? If that’s okay?” His voice goes really high at the end.

Will tries very hard to sound calm. “Of course that’s okay. Why wouldn’t it be?”

The look on Mike's face when he raises his head to look at Will again is striking. His eyes are huge, pupils dilated. “I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable with me. I… if you think that this could - I don’t know. I’m just scared.”

And that hits him like a punch to the gut. “No, Mike! I honestly don’t know what you could do that would make me uncomfortable with you. Why would you think that?” He wiggles a bit, just to remind his fingers that they’re trapped. Right now, they’re itching to reach out and grip Mike’s arms, his cheeks. To just make sure that he stays and feels welcome.

Mike sighs. “I don’t know, you were just really quiet last week when we talked about this. You’re always very quiet when the topic comes up. If you don’t get asked a question, you don’t say anything. And you just… you seem uncomfortable. When it comes up.”

It. It’s clear that Mike is also uncomfortable if he can’t make himself say it. Queerness. Homosexuality. What shocks him, though, is that anyone could think Will stays out of these conversations because he’s uncomfortable with queer people. Maybe he has been better at hiding than he thought, if even his best friend came to this conclusion.

If he was braver, this is the moment when he might confess. When he might say “I stay out of it because I don’t want to make you guys uncomfortable.” But he doesn’t. Instead, he opts for the more subtle “I mean, there is more than one reason someone might be uncomfortable with a subject. I promise that there is nothing you could say that would make me not want to be your friend. Really. I swear. We’re best friends!”

Hopefully, this is enough. He really hates the thought of Mike being afraid that he won’t be accepted. But he’s also still scared that this might somehow end up with Mike being straight and not wanting to talk to him anymore. So the best he can do for now is just not lie.

“Thank you,” Mike says.

“You never need to thank me for that. That’s basically the bare minimum.”

Mike shakes his head. “I’m not so sure Lucas would agree.”

Damn it. That is a concern that Will knows only too well. He has it himself. It tugs at his heart to see Mike expressing it. “I think Dustin has a handle on that.”

His friend laughs. It’s a tiny sound, but the accompanying smile is like the sun glinting through a gap in between dark rain clouds. “Yeah, Dustin is awesome.” Brown eyes flit around the room and Will wonders if that means Mike is nervous or if he’s trying to get his thoughts together.

A few minutes later, he decides that a nudge might be in order. “Would you want to start with what you’re confused about?”

As far as approaches go, he figures this is probably the easiest one. This way, Mike doesn’t have to start by making statements about himself.

But to his surprise, Mike shakes his head. “No, I don’t think that would work.” Again, he breathes deeply. In and out, in and out. “What I know for sure is that I like looking at some guys the way I like looking at some girls. It makes me feel the same things.”

Oh God. That is so far from what Will expected. It makes his heart race. His stomach feels the way it does when you’re at the highest point you can get to on a swing, right before you go down again. Tingly and weightless. But he has to stay calm. This is not about him. Even if Mike likes boys, that doesn’t mean he likes Will.

“Okay,” he says, because it’s the only thing he can think of right now that wouldn’t be weird.

Mike nods to himself. It looks like his right thumb is bleeding. When he touches it to keep picking at it, he flinches. Will wants to take his hand to keep him from hurting himself. “Right. But what I don’t understand is the relationship part. Because the… the thingy says that looking is only one part of it. You also have to want to do something about it. I’m just lost there. Because how can you tell wanting to spend time with someone apart from wanting to date them? How does that work?”

“Maybe it’s the kissing?” Will says. “Like, no matter what someone looks like, if you want to spend time with someone and you also want to kiss them, then maybe you want to date them?”

“But don’t you wanna kiss people who you think look good? Like, in general?”

“No.” This is getting a bit too close for comfort. Sometimes, Will thinks other guys are attractive. It’s not like he’s blind. But he has only ever wanted to kiss Mike. “Do you?”

Mike scrunches his face up a bit. “I don’t really know? I wouldn’t mind, I guess. Like, sometimes I see someone I don’t even know and I think that kissing them would be nice. It’s not like I’m in a relationship.”

Kissing them would be nice. Them, not her. Mike wants to kiss boys, at least sometimes. Fuck, Will is so not equipped to deal with this. All of the questions he can come up with are dangerous.

“Well… has this ever happened with a boy you do know? A classmate or something? That you liked looking at him, wanted to spend time with him and would - would have liked to kiss him? And then kept feeling like that?”

It’s instantly obvious that the answer is yes. This is possibly the most intense blush he’s ever seen on his friend. His face might as well be glowing, that’s how red it is. Still, Mike is brave enough to say: “Yes.”

Will is torn between cheering internally, being astounded that Mike can just say this, feeling deeply honoured that Mike trusts him so much, and intense jealousy at whoever it is that Mike wanted to - or still wants to - kiss.

“Is that okay?” Mike asks anxiously.

Will frowns. “What do you mean? I think that’s how it usually works. Didn’t you want to kiss El when she was your friend before she was your girlfriend.”

This gets him the patented Mike Wheeler eyeroll. “Yes, but she’s a girl .”

Will swallows. “I don’t see how that’s different.” He has to look away to say it. This is so important . It’s so important to him that Mike doesn’t end up as ashamed of himself as he is. If he has crushes on friends sometimes, so what? Let him! But don’t let him find out that that is exactly what has been happening in Will’s life for the last seven years. If Mike is interested in other guys, but just not in Will, then that is something he doesn’t want to know. It would only make the rejection worse.

Mike huffs out a shaky breath. “You’re really cool, you know that right?”

Somehow, Will finds it in himself to look back at his friend again, raise an eyebrow and sing-song: “Bare minimum.”

It catches him unawares how different the look in Mike’s eyes is right now. Very intense, very focussed. And something else that he can’t quite place. He bounces on his heels a little to at least get a little bit of movement. There’s way too much energy in his body right now - it’s almost like he’s vibrating with it.

Mike smiles and shakes his head, but doesn’t comment further. “So that’s a point in favour of bisexuality then, I guess.” The ease with which he says that makes tears burn behind Will’s eyes. Blinking them away is easy, but the feeling stays.

“I guess so,” he says. “Do you want to tell me what the other things were? I mean, the things you were confused about?”

“Well, it’s… I guess they technically answer the question? But it still kind of bothers me that I could just be wrong about this. Like, I’ve never kissed another guy. How am I supposed to know I’ll like it if I’ve never tried it?” He’s starting to gesticulate again and Will is glad to see it. That means that the hard part of this is over, at least for Mike. For Will on the other hand… Jesus H. Christ. What is he supposed to say to that? It hits way too close to home.

“But isn’t it the same with girls? Didn’t you know you would like kissing them before you kissed El? I feel like people know that sort of thing.”

“Is that what it’s like for you?” Mike asks.

And suddenly, everything stops.

“What?” Will’s heart is pounding so hard that Mike could probably tell if he looked closely enough. Breathing is difficult again. This can’t be happening.

“Well, you haven’t kissed a girl, right? But you still know you want to?” He’s cocked his head to the side and is just sitting there on Will’s rug, looking innocent. As if the question he just asked is harmless.

But it isn’t. There is no way that he can get out of this without lying. And he can’t do that, can he? He can’t say he wants to kiss a girl. He’s such a bad liar, that’s why he usually keeps his mouth shut when they somehow arrive at the subject. But more importantly, he doesn’t want to lie. Not when Mike has been so brave and so trusting and has talked about it openly without ever once hiding from him. It’s like… He doesn’t owe it to him. He knows that. But it would just be wrong to repay that bravery with lies.

“I’m pretty sure I don’t want to, actually,” he says. His hands are shaking where he’s squashed them beneath his thighs. By now, the fabric of his jeans and the structure of the rug must have imprinted themselves onto his skin in dark pink strokes.

“You don’t?” Mike whispers. 

Will shakes his head. His eyes are stinging again, but he resolutely keeps staring at the structured wallpaper behind Mike’s head. When he blinks, one of them escapes. 

“You don’t want to kiss girls at all?”

Again, he shakes his head. The silence makes him feel like Mike is willing him to look at him, but he just can’t. He can’t look at him. 

Turns out, though, he doesn’t need to. Because Mike has decided that the best course of action right now is to just bowl Will over and hug him as hard as he can. It takes him completely off guard. Considering he’s been sitting on his hands, he can’t catch himself. So they both just drop to the floor.

And still, Will doesn’t know what to do. The tears are really flowing right now. He can breathe again. But he’s so scared that if Mike finds out it’s him who Will wants to kiss, he won’t want to hug him anymore. He can’t get rejected right now. Slowly, he raises his arms to wrap them around Mike in return. Not hugging him back would definitely be weird. His head is awkwardly pillowed on Mike’s bony shoulder. There are fingers threaded through his hair, a warm hand at the base of his neck. It feels so good. So he just closes his eyes to experience it for a bit.

Mike’s other hand is still rubbing up and down Will’s back when he says: “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to put you on the spot like that.”

Will’s laugh sounds both slightly hysterical and very… wet. How could a question like that not put him on the spot? How could this whole conversation not put him on the spot?

But that is a conclusion that Mike has seemingly arrived at on his own by now because the way he groans makes it sound like he’s mad at himself. “You’re right. That was a typical Wheeler moment. Jesus.”

Will nods into his sweater. “Definitely.”

“I’m really sorry! I just didn’t think- somehow I thought that if… I don’t know. I just always thought I would know if you liked boys. Because you’re my best friend.” He laughs to himself. “I guess you just look at them exactly like I do. And I didn’t realise what that meant ‘cause I’m a giant honking idiot.”

That makes Will giggle. And then he just can’t stop. Because someone knows. Someone knows , finally, and everything is okay. The world hasn’t ended and no one will hurt him, not even with words. Because this is Mike . Mike is his best friend and he feels the same things about boys that Will does and doesn’t think it’s disgusting.

At some point, Will realises that Mike is laughing with him. And that his fingers are gently caressing his scalp. Maybe he doesn’t know he’s doing it. But maybe he does . Wouldn’t that be something?

“You know, I’m aware that I can be quite blind at times. But it still shocks me every time just how much I don’t notice. If I wasn’t in my own head, I’d think I was doing it on purpose.” Mike’s voice is low and soft in a way that makes Will shudder. The hand in his hair stops and Will panics, pushes himself up and away into a sitting position.

Mike rises with him, looking a bit confused. “Everything okay?”

“No yeah, everything is fine. It’s just… I’m a bit overwhelmed. I’m sorry.”

It seems like Mike doesn’t have any compunctions about touching a boy who likes boys, because he immediately lays a hand on his upper arm. “Don’t be. This was the most stressful week of my life. And I don’t think about things half as much as you do, so… I can imagine that it’s been much worse for you.” He hesitates briefly. “Can I ask how long you’ve known?”

The sleeve Will uses to wipe the tears off his face is a bit too rough for it to be comfortable. “Seven years,” he says. Might as well just be honest now.

“Seven years?! You’ve known since primary school? How?”

Will shrugs. “I just did. Or, more like, I knew I didn’t like girls like that. That came first.”

“Oh.” It looks like Mike is mulling that over in his head. “You know, thinking back on it, a lot of the things I was thinking and feeling back then make a lot more sense now. That’s so weird. I just assumed because I liked girls, that that was it. Nothing else going on here!” He laughs. “That was probably easier than whatever you were going through, though.”

Well, that just seems unfair. “I don’t really think you can compare that. Two things can be difficult in different ways and still hurt people exactly the same.”

Mike frowns. “That might be true, but from the moment I realised that maybe I was different, I knew I had someone to talk to. Dusty even went out of his way to get me this. “ He picks up the pamphlet to wave it around a bit. “Have you ever talked about this? To anyone?”

Will can only shake his head. Damn, and now the tears are back. That’s not embarrassing at all. He’s always cried easily, that’s one of the reasons people started bullying him.

But Mike doesn’t laugh, he just draws him into another hug. Will lets himself pulled like a ragdoll and keeps his face where it falls, at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. He smells more intensely of himself right there. Will doesn’t think he’s ever gotten this close. So he savours it, breathes him in, lets himself be enveloped in the scent of freshly cut grass, the paint for their D&D figurines and just… Mike.  Mike who is still speaking to him.

“I don’t know why you didn’t talk to me. I’m sorry if I gave you any reason to be scared. But I know now, so you can talk to me if you want. You can talk to me about anything, even if you think it’s bad, or-or gross. I don’t care. I want to be there for you. I want to be safe for you.”

God, Will loves him so much. But he still can’t say that. There is something else he wants to say, but as soon as he looks into Mike’s eyes, he forgets what it was. He can just feel that look resonating in his bones , tender and a little sad and again, something else that is just beyond his reach. Whatever it is, it holds him captive. He knows he’s been looking for too long, probably blinking too little and breathing too hard. Looking away just seems like an impossible task. But then again, Mike isn’t looking away either, isn’t blinking a lot and is definitely not breathing normally. And then, when his eyes do move, it’s to flit towards Will’s mouth and then back again, almost panicked. Like he can’t help himself.

Heat flashes through Will’s body. This can’t be. He’s just imagining it. It’s because they’re so close, their faces just inches away from one another. Any downward movement of Mike’s eyes is going to look like he’s looking at his mouth. Don’t hope , Will tells himself. Donthopedonthopedonthope. Fuck, this can’t be happening.

But it is. Mike's eyes wander again, this time for longer. And he’s definitely looking at Will’s mouth. He doesn’t know what to do. Is this just because Mike has found another boy who likes boys and it would be convenient? Would Mike do that, kiss someone just to try? Would Will survive it if that’s what was happening?

Before he can come to any sort of conclusion, someone knocks on the door. They jump apart as if scalded, and Will’s eyes immediately jump to the door handle, but it isn’t being pushed down.

“Mike, your Mom is here. She wants to take you home.” That’s Jonathan. 

“Okay, thank you!” Mike shouts. He still hasn’t taken his eyes off Will. 

They hear Jonathan’s footsteps as he walks down the hallway, hear his door closing behind him, hear his music start back up. Weird, Will thinks to himself. He hadn’t even noticed it being turned off.

Only then does Mike close his eyes and shake himself a bit. He’s blushing now. “Okay, well, um… good talk. Thank you. See you tomorrow?”

Will nods. They are going to meet up to plan a campaign. Or were. He doesn’t know anymore.

“Okay,” Mike repeats. He puts the pamphlet back into his backpack, gets up, carefully turns Will’s secret key in the lock, and then he’s gone. Will stays rooted to the spot until he hears the front door close downstairs.

What just happened?

Chapter Text

Will’s next day has the audacity to start the same way as hundreds before it. His mother gently wakes him, he swirls his cereal around in his bowl until it’s soggy and then he pedals his bike to the place where the party has been meeting up for years to drive the rest of the way to school together.

Also as per usual: Mike is late. When Will arrives, Lucas is already waiting, and Dustin isn’t far behind. Mike probably hasn’t even left his house yet. 

On any other day, Will wouldn’t even think twice. But this isn’t just any day. This is the day after Mike sat down on Will’s rug, somehow talked himself through figuring out that he’s bisexual, elicited an unplanned confession from Will that he also likes boys, proceeded to stare at Will very intensely and then left so quickly that Will didn’t even manage to say “bye”.

So he, of course, does think twice, and then thrice, and then whatever the word is for doing it four times. It took him hours to go to sleep yesterday evening because he couldn’t stop thinking about it - and as soon as he woke up this morning, his thoughts started circling again. 

The thing about that is - by all rights, Will should be more relaxed than he was yesterday or the week before. His best friend now knows that he’s gay. Not only did he not react badly, he hugged him and made it very clear to him that he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. Hell, he likes boys himself. It’s not like the concept is foreign to him. But there are several reasons why Will is still not so sure that he can actually depend on that.

Firstly, there is no knowing what Mike truly thinks about this new reality. He was fairly calm and matter-of-fact yesterday - but that kind of confidence can be deceiving with him. Will doesn’t think that Mike does it consciously, but he just powers through until he can’t anymore. And when he can’t anymore, sometimes, he completely freaks out. That’s what Will is wary of, that the worst might still be coming. 

Secondly, Will still isn’t sure if Mike wanted to kiss him yesterday - and what all of that could mean for them. If Mike didn’t want to kiss him, he might have made a gigantic fool of himself, staring at his best friend like that. He might have betrayed himself, made it obvious what he was feeling. Which might have freaked Mike out. And if Mike did want to kiss him, why? Just because he wanted to know what it was like and knew Will might not be categorically opposed on the grounds of gender? Or because he really wanted to? Will and I do that echoes through his head again. That might also have freaked Mike out. God only knows Will regularly flips his shit because he’s in love with his best friend and can’t really deal with the possibility of rejection.

Now, Mike is a good guy. So whatever happens when he arrives is not going to be cataclysmic. Will is not about to be shouted at, insulted, or outed against his will. But will he still have a best friend? He hopes so.

Lucas has taken off and re-knotted his bandana twice by the time he breaks the still somewhat sleepy silence. “This is late even for Mike. You think everything's okay?”

Dustin snorts into the hand he’s resting his head on. “It’s Mike, he’s fine. He probably just realised he forgot his backpack when he was already halfway here. Again.”

Chuckling along with them is easy, because that is absolutely something that would happen to Mike. Again. It’s happened twice already this term, about two dozen times since they met each other. Mike is… Mike. He would forget his head if it wasn’t permanently attached to his neck. But he forgets things , never events. Which is why Will is so wired right now.

“I kind of wish we knew when this will happen. If we left our houses at the same time Mike does, we could sleep longer,” Lucas muses.

“Yeah, but we kind of have to be here at the time we agreed on. If we’re not here when he gets here one day, he’ll catch on that we deliberately meet at an earlier time so he doesn’t make us late for school.” Dustin yawns. “He might be cool as a cucumber most days, but I’m pretty sure that would make him feel bad.”

“It technically is his fault,” Lucas points out.

Will frowns. “No, it’s not. You agreed to this. Mike may be the reason we made that decision, but we made the decision. We could all ride to school on our own. I don’t really want to, though. Seems like it would be boring.”

Dustin groans. “Yeah, I don’t wanna be alone with my thoughts that early in the morning. Laaame!” But the thought seems to animate him enough that he raises his head. If you don’t look too closely, you might even think he was properly awake and rested. Until he actually is awake in a way that means you can ask him to solve problems it’s still going to take at least one more hour, though.

They’re all still chuckling to themselves quietly when Mike’s bell rings from behind the hill.

“Finally!” Lucas’ scream is so loud that Will is really glad they’re meeting in the middle of a forest. Seriously, his group of friends is a walking noise complaint.

There’s a bit of clanking while they all extricate their bikes from each other and mount them. Will almost falls over because he has somehow managed to get his foot caught under one of his pedals. But then they’re driving and Mike is catching up to them, speeding up until he’s next to Will.

The look on Mike’s face makes him breathe easier. It’s clear and lightly optimistic - the way it usually is at the beginning of a day when nothing shitty or stressful has happened yet. And that’s great. Because if he had been stressing about yesterday evening all night or was uncomfortable or something, everyone would be able to read it on his face.

Still, he asks: “You alright?”

Mike grins. “Oh yeah. I can’t wait to plan the campaign later. Took my manuals and everything. This is gonna be so good.”

Will certainly hopes so. But for now, he’s just grateful that everything’s okay between them.

There is a slight chance that Will was wrong about just how alright Mike is. Because they’re only in fourth period, a few more hours to go, and his friend already looks like he could bounce off the walls. The energy emanating from him is so strong that Will can feel it. He doesn’t even need to look, it’s tangible. 

He carefully kicks at Mike’s foot where he’s tapping it beneath the desk. “Hey, you alright?”

In answer, Mike pulls a face as if he’s bitten on something sour. And then, he very quickly looks away again, glancing at the doodles in the margin of Will’s notes, the graphite smudges on Will’s fingers, the ink stains on his own. “I just really don’t wanna be here right now. This is boring.”

It is boring, he’s right about that. They’re doing partnered work right now, so they can get away with exchanging a few words. But even partnered work doesn’t save you from the yawning abyss that are Mrs. Summer’s assignments. They’re supposed to be analysing a poem right now. If Will has to invent one more thing about how the colour of some curtains means that the poet wishes his mother had died earlier, he’s going to scream.

"I think this is one of these cases where the only way out is through," he says.

But Mike seems to not be listening anymore. He's swinging his pen between his fingers, rapidly tapping it on the desk. This is more than just boredom. Whatever has him this distracted is clearly bothering him.

A few seats over, Dustin waves to catch Will's attention. Great, so he's noticed too. But it's not like Will can say anything in answer to his jerky head motions. Either he doesn't know what's going on with Mike or he does know and there's a very real possibility that Mike doesn't want Dustin to know. At least not yet. So he just shrugs and watches his friend try to squint some message at him that he doesn't understand.

He has to do something, though. So he gently nudges Mike with his elbow. "Come on, focus. There's only five more minutes to go until break. We're almost done."

Mike nods, but somehow he doesn't look relieved.

By the time school lets out, Mike is a nervous wreck and Will doesn't know what to do. He briefly debates whether he should pull Mike aside before they start their ride home, but his friend leaves the classroom so quickly that he doesn’t even have the time to make a decision one way or the other. 

When he reaches the spot where they always park their bikes, Dustin and Lucas are already waiting for him. Mike, however, is nowhere in sight. Lucas looks annoyed. Neither of those things are good.

“Seriously, what is his damage? Being late in the morning is one thing, but the least he could do is be on time now. He left the classroom before I did. Where the hell did he go?” He rings the bell as if to emphasise his words.

“I don’t know,” Will sighs. He has a slight suspicion that Mike just went somewhere to calm down a bit. But if he says that, Lucas might ask why Will is upset in the first place. So saying it is not an option.

Dustin rolls his eyes.”Did you or did you not delay us by twenty minutes just last week because you were out there somewhere making out with Max?”

Which is a good point in theory. But…

“What, so you’re saying Mike’s making out with someone? Who?”

“No, it’s not.”

Lucas gets a sly look on his face. “Think he managed to find himself a boy he thinks is nice to look at?”

Will doesn’t think he’s ever cringed this hard. Not just because the idea is painful, but also because his friend’s tone of voice isn’t necessarily… positive. The way Dustin is rubbing at his temple makes him think he isn’t the only one to think that.

When neither of them answers, Lucas seems to get confused. “What? Did I miss something? What’s with the faces?”

Will wishes he were quick enough to come back at him with a snarky remark and brave enough to say it. But by now he’s scared of outing not only himself but Mike too and that makes it even harder to speak. There’s even more at stake now. He can’t be the reason why his best friend gets made fun of.

Dustin, bless him, sighs. “It’s just that you sounded like a bit of an asshole right now. Do you have an issue with Mike?”

“No, of course not!”

“Then why do you sound like you’re trying to become Troy lite?” It’s out of Will’s mouth before he even realises he’s opened it. Crap. Now, both of his friends look at him with wide eyes. The corners of Dustin’s mouth are twitching like he’s trying not to grin.

“I don’t sound like that!” Lucas is almost shouting. “I’m not making fun of him!”

“Then what are you doing?” Will asks. 

“Teasing my friend the way I always do! If you said you were interested in a girl and then disappeared on us, I would do the same thing. Seriously, you guys, what happened to taking a joke?”

Dustin does his thinky-squint at him until he’s apparently convinced that Lucas is telling the truth. “Okay. But maybe you shouldn’t joke about something that people get actively bullied for when basically anyone could hear you? If Troy hears you joke like that, it’s going to be all over the school by the end of the week.”

It only takes milliseconds for the indignant expression on Lucas’ face morphs into something resembling guilt. “I didn’t think about that.”

“How can you forget that kind of thing?” Will just doesn’t understand.

“Well, it’s just Mike, right? If he ditches us to go make out with someone, I’ll bitch about it, that’s just how it works. Doesn’t matter to me who he makes out with as long as he’s on time. I mean, I don’t get it, but it’s not like I need to, right?”

That’s probably as good as they’re going to get for this conversation. But Will just wants to make sure. “I don’t think he’s making out with anyone.”

“Who’s making out with who?” Mike's voice says from right behind him, quite literally making him jump. And before he can even panic, Dusty is already rolling his eyes. 

“Steve, who else? Went on a date with a new girl this week. I really could do without hearing him complain how he can’t find someone who fits when he kisses every single one of these girls. I don’t get it. You’d think he’d know before he does that.”

Will can’t help but remember yesterday evening, how similar the things were they had talked about. This doesn’t sound good. Could he have been wrong?

Lucas scoffs as he swings his backpack onto his back so that they can leave soon. “He absolutely knows before he does that. He just doesn’t want to lose hope, I think. It’s kind of sad.”

Why would anyone do that? It’s a question that Will asks himself frequently, but this time, he doesn’t really want an answer. Because he feels like it might hit too close to home. He wonders what he would do if there were lots of other gay guys out there that he could date to try to forget his feelings for Mike. Would he do it? Even just the thought hurts.

When Will looks at Mike to see if he’s okay now, he can’t detect a bit of the nervousness that was monopolising him just a short while ago. There’s some vague tension in his face and in the way he moves, but it’s not too bad. No one would be able to tell if they didn’t look too closely.

“Well, that sucks for Steve,” Mike says and mounts his bike. “Come on, we need to go. Joyce is going to be mad at me if I make us even later for lunch.”

Will helpfully doesn’t point out that his mother isn’t home today.

They eat cereal for lunch because they’re too hungry to wait for anything to cook. School lets out early on Fridays, but not early enough to eat lunch at a civilised time - at least not if your way there is as long as theirs.

Last summer, Will’s mother had taught him how to cook a few simple recipes, so it's not like he wouldn’t be able to make anything. He’s cooked for them before and basked in the quiet joy of feeding Mike something that he liked, of being smiled at over the edge of a bowl that he himself filled with food. But they’re both ravenous by the time they arrive, so that falls by the wayside.

Mike still seems fine. Looking at him, you’d think this could be any other day, just two friends spending time together like they’re done years and hundreds of times before today. But the memory of what happened yesterday is always at the back of his mind. And so by the time they’re putting their bowls in the dishwasher, it’s Will who’s noticeably nervous.

“Are you okay?” Mike asks when Will just sort of stands there instead of getting his manuals or going up to his room or whatever else he should be doing right now.

And Will decides to just bite the bullet. “Yeah, I’m just kind of worried about you. You were a mess at school today. Are you okay?”

Eyes wide, Mike just looks at him for a moment. Then he blinks and says: “I’ll tell you if we can go to your room.”

Will nods and goes to lead the way. If Mike climbs the stairs behind him, maybe he can tame his blush by the time they reach the top. Of course, he can’t - or at least not completely. But Mike is also looking a bit pink in the face as he throws his backpack into the corner he always puts it, so Will figures it’ll be fine.

Just as he’s opened his mouth to repeat the question, Mike interrupts him. “You guys weren’t talking about Steve earlier, were you?”

Damn it, caught. “No, we weren’t. I don’t think it was bad though.”

“How so?” Mike asks and then sits down on Will's bed. He’s done it dozens of times before, but now it just feels different. Mike knows that Will is attracted to guys and only guys, and he’ll still sit on his bed. He isn’t scared of him. This is so much more than he ever dared hope for, even excluding Mike’s possibly-probable bisexuality.

Careful to not draw attention to his stupid little - gigantic - crush by doing something differently, he sits down to lean against his headboard at a respectable distance. “Lucas said something stupid. But I don’t think he meant it like that.”

“What did he say?” Mike looks a bit apprehensive. He’s back to picking his cuticles.

“He made a joke about how you were probably late because you were making out with a guy.” The utter panic in Mike’s eyes tears at his soul, so he hurries to add: “But he was joking. And he said he didn’t care who anyone kissed as long as they are on time. And I believe him. He…” Here, he hesitates. It feels wrong to say it, but it might help calm Mike down. “He said he would say the same if it were me and some girl.”

The little snort Mike lets out makes the discomfort worth it. But his friend still looks quite stricken. “He just said that?”

“It was really just a joke. A stupid one, because it’s Lucas, but just a joke. And it wasn’t… the joke wasn’t ooooh, Mike’s kissing a boy , it was more like oooooh, Mike’s late again, wouldn’t it be funny if it was because he was making out with someone? It’s not like he hasn’t done the same.”

Mike nods, and then he starts looking a bit sheepish. “You know I wasn’t making out with anyone, though, right?”

“I believe you heard me say that when you arrived. Don’t worry. I figured you were probably trying to calm down a bit. But I didn’t know how to say that without having them ask why. So…” he trails off because his head has caught up to the fact that Mike wants him to know that he wasn’t kissing anyone. Why would Mike need to tell him that?

“Yeah, that was probably for the best. I just… I didn’t think I should get on a bike in the condition I was in. So I just locked myself in a bathroom and let the faucet run over my wrists for a while.”

Will hisses in sympathy. “That bad?” He had figured Mike would just need to close his eyes and breathe for a minute. But this is a thing that Will learned to cope with his panic attacks better. And hearing Mike say that he did it makes it sound a lot more serious.

“I was just panicking, you know?”

When Will doesn’t answer and just looks at him expectantly, he squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. “I was just afraid that they would be able to tell. That they would look at me and know I was different and - and start being mean to me.”

Oh. Yeah, Will does know. He knows all too well. “I used to feel like that all the time. And honestly, I don’t know if people like Troy actually can tell or if he just knows that he can hurt me like that. I still get scared sometimes. But I’ve got you guys, and I’m getting more confident.” He nudges his friend with his foot. “You’re much more confident than I am. You’ll be fine.”

“But I’m not, though!” The vehemence with which Mike says this almost scares Will. “Not about this. I mean, I think I know who I am now. But I thought I knew who I was last week, and it turns out I was wrong. I could be wrong about this too! How can I stand up to someone when I don’t even know if what they’re saying is true or not?”

Hug him, says the little voice in Will’s head. But he ignores it - clearly, it has no sense of self-preservation. Instead, he just angles his head. “I mean, theoretically, we shouldn’t need to know so stand up to people. What they’re saying to me is not you’re gay full stop. They’re saying things like you’re weak and act like a girl or I think being gay is disgusting and I think you’re gay, so you should be ashamed of yourself . It doesn’t matter if they’re right or wrong about my sexuality. It matters that they’re assholes who want to make themselves feel important by putting other people down. There’s nothing weak about crying sometimes, just as there’s nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual.” He laughs at himself. “Again, in theory. Saying this here in my room is all well and good, but I wouldn’t be able to say it to Troy’s face. Hell, I still don’t quite manage to not be ashamed of myself.”

He only realises he’s said that when the expression on Mike’s face changes completely - to something resembling pain. “But why?”

Damn it. “Hiding will do that to you. I had to hide for so long, I still have to hide. I never know who would be okay and who would hate me. You should have heard some of the things my father said to me. It wasn’t good.”

“Your father was a horrible person,” Mike says with wild eyes. “And he was wrong. There are so many people who love you. I understand not wanting to tell people. I don’t really want to either, at least not right now. But you are never going to be alone, I just want you to know that.”

If they could, Mike’s eyes would be boring holes into Will’s retinas right now. His look is so intense that Will is just trapped in it. Can’t say anything, can’t do anything, can’t look away. When he doesn’t react, Mike seems to read that as disbelief, because he draws himself up to hug him tightly. “You will never be alone. There is nothing wrong with you. We all love you very much,” he whispers. 

Will knows that he would usually tear up in such a situation. The words are incredibly kind and generous, and they hit deep. But he can feel Mike’s warm breath on his cheek. Mike’s voice is husky in his ear. And when Will turns to look at him, his pupils are so dilated that there’s almost nothing left of the brown of his irises.

“I know,” Will whispers back. He can’t do anything but whisper. They are so close. Mike’s face is just inches from his, his arm slung around Will’s shoulder. He’s often laughed at scenes in movies where characters do this in the cinema, inching closer to their first kiss. He’s never seen the appeal.

But now, Mike’s arm is heavy and warm around his shoulder, enveloping him. His other hand is loosely gripping Will’s other shoulder, almost like an afterthought. Mike is so close that he can feel his breath on his skin. It’s warm, but it makes him shiver. And the best thing about this is that it almost seems like Will is not alone in feeling overwhelmed at this.

When Mike’s tongue makes an appearance to wet his lips, Will immediately zeroes in on it. And then, when he notices, he panics and looks up again. But Mike seems to not even have noticed. How could he, when he is busy looking at Will’s mouth himself. All of a sudden, the room feels very hot.

“Will,” Mike says. His voice is small and breathy, and for a second Will isn’t sure whether Mike had intended to say that out loud. But then, he repeats it. “Will.” His voice is stronger now, surer, though not by much.”

“Yeah?” Will breathes. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. Maybe he’s hallucinating - or maybe he’s reading into this too much! Maybe there’s nothing weird going on and he’s just misinterpreting everything.Who knows? He certainly doesn’t. All he knows is that he really needs to maintain eye contact and can’t look at Mike’s mouth again. That would be bad.

“Have you… have you ever kissed a boy?” 

Oh shit. The words Will and I do that are back again, together with the image of Mike blushing a deep red when Will asked if he’d ever wanted to kiss a friend. This can’t be happening.

“No.” He feels like that should probably be self-explanatory. But maybe Mike thinks there’s more people like him running around, interested in both girls and boys and, for some reason, interested in kissing Will. The thought seems absurd.

“Would you want to?”

And now, Will gets scared. Because he does want to. So much. Specifically, he wants to kiss Mike. But not just once. Not as an experiment. He doesn’t think he can do that. How is he supposed to go back to normal after finding out what it feels to kiss Mike? Even if he managed to not let it show, he feels like that would just kill him inside. And his life is already difficult enough.

The silence goes on long enough that Mike takes it as an answer and retreats. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking. That was stupid.” He takes his arm off Will’s shoulder, and all of a sudden, he feels cold again. It shouldn’t hurt this much, nothing even happened, but it does. That was stupid. Ouch.

“I just thought, you know… and we’ve been friends for such a long time, and I always - I always-” He runs his hands through his hair and then over his face. “I just really… and you-”

He’s not making any sense. But what he definitely is doing is starting to hyperventilate. For a moment, Will can just watch, still frozen to the spot. 

“I’m stupid, I know,” Mike says, his voice high and almost trembling. “I’m sorry. It’s stupid, forget about it. But you just looked - and your face… and then I-”

And that’s when Will’s brain logs on again, because it looks like Mike is just seconds from fleeing. All coiled and tense, a desperate look on his face. And are those tears in the corners of his eyes? What is happening?

Carefully, he grips Mike’s forearms to get his hands away from his face and earth him a bit, maybe.

“Mike.” The quiet voice doesn’t work, so he tries it a little louder. “Mike!”

Mike flinches, leans back a bit.

“Can you explain to me what’s going on? I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry!”

“I heard that. I just don’t understand what you’re sorry for. Why are you so upset?”

Is it because he freaked himself out over kissing a boy? Is he panicking now because now that he got so close, it feels wrong and he realises it isn’t him after all? He doesn’t like boys even though he thought he did? Or is it because of Will? Does he know ? Fuck.

“I made you uncomfortable. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable. We’re best friends, I never want to do anything that… I just… I need you in my life.”

Will doesn’t understand. What is happening? How was that ever in question? “You will always have me in your life. It’s not that easy to get rid of me. What makes you think that?”

Mike shrinks away even further. “I just don’t want to make things weird.”

“But how would you do that?”

“Because I like you!” Mike shouts and just for a moment, the world stops spinning. “I didn’t know that’s what it was, but I like you. And when I figured it out, and you said you liked boys too, I just hoped… But I know that you liking boys doesn’t automatically mean you like me. I know that. And that’s fine- I just… I can’t lose you. As my friend. You’re too important.”

What. What?! 

“You like me?” Will can’t believe it. He must be hearing this wrong. “Just to look at or…?”

He feels stupid to even ask it. But this situation has already exploded, so he needs to make sure. From what Mike said it looks like they’re going to be fine either way, but he needs to be sure that he knows everything, understands everything. Like a broken leg, he thinks. This can’t heal wrong.

“Well, that too, yeah.” Mike is blushing again. His expression is sheepish. His eyes are lowered now, watching his hands as he twists his fingers. Almost as if he’s afraid to look at Will. And how is that how this situation turned out? Will doesn’t think Mike has ever been afraid to look at someone. “But I also just really like you. You know, ro-romantically.” His throat clicks as he swallows. “I just really didn’t know, I thought that was what being best friends was like. I’m so sorry!”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Will says. He feels sort of numb now, like he’s not really there. Mike likes him? Mike really - how is this reality? Could he be misunderstanding this? He’s so scared of asking the next question. But he doesn’t want to find out how it’ll feel if he doesn’t ask and still gets his hopes up. “Do you mean like… like a boyfriend? You want to be in a relationship with me?” 

Mike’s head snaps up so he can look at him again. “I want to be friends with you. I want to be best friends with you. That’s more important to me than anything else.”

A smile spreads on Will’s lips without his permission. It’ll be okay, he realises. Whatever happens, they will be alright. And that gives him the strength to keep going. “Okay. But if… if anything could happen that you wanted to, would that be it? Would you want to be in a relationship with me?”

A tear escapes as Mike nods.

Oh. 

The wave of emotions that tears through Will is so strong that for a moment, he doesn’t even really know what’s happening. He only knows that now, he’s hugging Mike as tightly as he can and hopes with all his heart that Mike doesn’t think this is weird. His heart has never beaten this hard when he was just scared. Still, in those situations, it was almost uncomfortable. Now, Will wonders if this is what being high feels like. He’s dizzy with it.

It only takes a little while for Mike to wrap his arms around him again and hug him back. And then he tucks his face into Will’s neck, nose right on his pulse point. He doesn’t expect the shiver that runs through him at that. No one’s ever touched him there. He knew it was sensitive, but not this sensitive.

Mike laughs a little, and the small puffs of breath on his neck send small tremors through Will.

“Found something you like already?” His voice is light, almost gleeful. “And I haven’t even kissed you yet.”

And fuck if that doesn’t go right to his gut. Somehow, in all this, he hasn’t ever really considered that Mike is more experienced than him. He’s done this before, flirted before, kissed before. He knows how to do these things. Will has always been so focussed on not attracting attention to himself that he never considered how good it might feel if someone paid that sort of attention to him. If Mike paid that sort of attention to him.

When Mike begins to extricate himself from the hug, at first, he wants to hold on. But he quickly realises that looking at Mike’s face right now is a great thing. It’s happy, hopeful and again, that other thing he had such trouble identifying yesterday. Could that be desire?

“I just want to make sure that we understand each other here. Does this mean that you’re interested in me too? Romantically?”

Will nods emphatically. He still doesn’t quite dare to tell the whole truth. It’s one thing for Mike to figure out that he likes boys and is attracted to him. It might be a completely different thing for Mike to find out that his best friend has been in love with him for at least seven years. That might be a bit too much.

To be honest, all of this is a bit much for Will even now. He basks in Mike’s smile, but on the inside, he’s reeling. This doesn’t really fit with the reality he’s built for himself.

“You want to kiss me?” Mike asks.

Now, nodding isn’t dangerous anymore, it’s thrilling. He would have expected it to make him breathe faster, but he might be closer to hyperventilation by now. His eyes are flitting over Mike’s face, over warm brown eyes, sharp cheekbones and very tempting lips.

The first touch of Mike’s hand on his cheek makes him jump. And that’s when Mike hesitates. “Are you sure? You seem kind of jumpy.”

That makes Will giggle, which probably doesn’t make this look better for him. “I am sure. I’m just kind of overwhelmed right now. I never thought this would happen. It’s a bit much all at once.”

And he didn’t really know how Mike would react to this - but somehow, his surprise is surprising. “Oh, really?”

Will nods.

“So… so you want all of this, you just need processing time?”

Will nods again. Mike hesitates.

“Could I just hold you for a while, maybe? I kind of don’t want to let go of you right now.”

Oh dear God. How is this real? How is Mike real?

“I’d like that,” he answers quietly, because it still kind of feels like he could make one wrong move to make this fall apart. Like he could talk too loudly and Mike would run. 

But Mike isn’t scared, he’s happy. His answering smile is brilliant, makes butterflies dance in Will’s tummy. They only get more excited when Mike loops his arms around him once again, dragging him both near and down. Oh. Somehow, Will hadn’t considered that this might be what Mike wanted. This is not a hug. This is cuddling in bed. Not that he is complaining. It’s brilliant. He’s lying down, comfortable and relaxed, wrapped in Mike's arms. If he wants to, he canburrow closer, for warmth or connection. Already, he is basking in Mike’s smell where the other boy has his head cradled against his chest. It’s everywhere.

“Are you smelling me?” Mike asks. His voice is full of mirth.

“Maybe.”

“Mmmh,” Mike hums and then sniffs his hair. “You smell quite good yourself.”

Will doesn’t quite know how to react to that. “Thank you?”

Now, Mike laughs. But not at Will, more like quietly at himself. Almost, as if he can’t quite believe what’s happening. “You’re incredibly welcome. Feel free to smell me anytime you like. I promise to shower regularly.”

How do you react to that kind of thing? Will would like to know, because it’s a mystery to him. So he settles on: “I’ll take you up on that.”

“I hope you do,” Mike says. His voice is low and amused, soft like honey. If it didn’t sound so weird, Will would say he’s purring.

That makes him hot all over. Not just the implied feelings behind those words. Just the confidence alone is incredible. How can it be that Mike has barely figured out that he can be romantically attracted to guys in the first place and that Will likes him back and he’s already comfortable enough to flirt like it’s nothing? Is this just how he feels around Will or is that a Mike thing? Thinking back on it, he thinks he remembers that Mike was incredibly awkward around El even into the first weeks of their relationship. So maybe it is him.

Apparently, he’s been quiet for a while, because Mike jostles him slightly. “You still there?”

“Mhmm.” This is very comfortable and warm. He could lie here like that for hours.

“Did I make this weird again?” 

He raises his head so quickly that he almost headbutts Mike. “What? No!”

It gets him a languid smile, which just… does things to him. Mike is in his bed. Mike is in his bed, and he wants him, and he’s looking at him and smiling like that. Granted, they haven’t talked about sex. Will is kind of hesitant to talk about it in general. Partly because he’s never had it and has also never read about it, so he can’t really contribute much to a conversation. But also because he doesn’t know how far Mike has thought ahead. He doesn’t want to spook him. Just going by the way Mike is acting, however, kind of makes him think that it might be in the cards. That Mike might want that with him.

“You’re thinking awfully loudly,” Mike comments. “Care to share with the class?”

Blushing really is the only thing Will can do in response to that, considering where his mind just went. Mike laughs in delight. “That interesting, huh?”

Will playfully hits his chest. “Stop it!”

“I’m not doing anything!” He has his hands raised with an air of innocence, but the grin on his face is just blinding and Will can’t help but grin back.

“You’re teasing me. I’m just lying there enjoying that I get to be so close to you and you’re teasing me. Michael Wheeler, I am disappointed in you.”

“Aw.” He holds out his open arms. “D’you wanna come back?”

This is great. Will pretends to think. “Hmmm. No, I don’t think I do. Only good boys get cuddles.”

He can see a spark flare in Mike’s eyes, but he doesn’t know what it means at first. He also doesn’t really understand why Mike is pushing himself up onto his elbows, closer to him. Again with this amused look on his face. “Good boys, huh? And I’m not a good boy?”

Damn. That… He doesn’t really know what to do with that. But it’s absolutely exhilarating, so he just plays along and shakes his head no.

Mike’s smile gets broader. “And if I were a good boy? What would that get me? Anything besides cuddles?” He’s really close again, close enough to smell, for his breath to fan Will’s face. Another inch or so and their noses would be touching. So close. And it all happened so naturally, as if Mike had just been drawn closer. It quickens his breath again. But this time, it’s different. He’s not scared, not overwhelmed. Just buzzing, somehow, with the need to get closer. This time, for the first time, he’s not scared to look down at Mike’s lips. They’re opened slightly, as if expectant. He looks up at Mike’s face again. Could this be it?

Only maybe not, because Mike frowns slightly and moves back a bit. “I’m sorry. That was too much, wasn’t it? I’m sor-”

But Will can’t take it anymore, so he just kisses him.

It’s both everything and nothing like he expected. As soon as their lips touch, it’s like all of the tension falls off of him. This is not scary, it’s not difficult. It’s just closeness. After taking a second to process what’s happening, Mike surges up against him to kiss him back. He cups the back of Will’s neck to angle him a bit and… that’s even better. Mike’s lips are so soft against his, pressing,catching and gripping. 

When Mike pulls back after a few passes, Will follows him on instinct and Mike has to put a hand on his chest to help him notice what’s happening. But he doesn’t even have it in himself to be embarrassed when Mike is looking at him like that, eyes blown and cheeks flushed.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” he says, and his voice does things to Will. Is this what it feels like to be wanted? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just the beginning.

“I’m more than okay.” Huh, that’s interesting. Will’s voice also sounds slightly different. Deeper somehow, throatier.

“Yeah?” Mike asks.

Will nods. And then he’s drawn in again, right back to Mike’s lips. Only this time, it seems like Mike is more confident in this. The way he kisses him is deeper somehow and it takes a bit for Will to catch up, to match the pace and the force. And that’s when it really gets good. 

He can feel the urgency throughout his whole body, from his mouth straight to his toes. The term toe-curling has never made sense to him before, but now… when Mike threads fingers into his hair, draws him down further over himself on the bed, ghosts a finger over that place on his throat that had made Will shiver earlier… now, he gets it. Because it is toe-curling. Toe-curlingly good. 

Mike’s other hand is still on Will’s chest, tangled in his shirt to draw him closer. The thing is - Will is already very close. He doesn’t really know how he could get much closer. Already, he’s almost lying on Mike’s torso. Or maybe it’s just about the touch? Will doesn’t really know what to do with his hands. He’s just sort of been keeping himself steady on the bed until now. Maybe Mike wants to be touched? 

Carefully, Will lays one of his hands on the other boy’s waist, figuring it’s safe. His lack of experience makes it kind of difficult to know what to expect. But Mike arching up against him, making a little noise and biting his lower lip is something he is definitely not expecting. The little flash of pain goes straight to places he’s pretty sure he shouldn’t be thinking about right now. He can’t help making a noise of his own, somewhere in between a whine and a moan, and that seems to spur Mike on, because now he’s licking into Will’s mouth.

Will is basically only holding on by now, along for the ride but completely out of his depth. The heat that shoots through him when their tongues touch is so intense that it almost scares him. He’s always been kind of sceptical about French kissing. As a concept, it never held much appeal for him. They even talked about this at some point. But Mike is not sticking his tongue down his throat, he’s just leading Will in a little dance. Here and then gone again. It’s beyond electrifying. For a short while he thinks that this might be the best feeling in the world, but then Mike decides to suck on his tongue and he just short-circuits.

This time, he definitely moans. But more importantly, he completely collapses onto Mike. That dislodges them, breaks the kiss with a downright filthy sound. And then they’re looking at each other. Vaguely, Will remembers having been scared of this, of kissing Mike and having their relationship change irrevocably, of it never being the same ever again. But as he looks square into Mike’s face, still lying on top of him and probably squashing him at least a bit, he can see the laughter bubbling up. Exactly like always, because they always laugh at weird or funny things that happen.

“Freeing” is the best way to describe the laughter. Will just gives himself over to it, probably laughing way harder than warranted. But he’s just so relieved. Mike knows he likes him and he likes him back. Actually likes him. He can touch him now, kiss him. They can make out - because that’s what that was, right? - and Will can moan into Mike's mouth , and it still won’t be weird after. They can laugh just like they always do. They will probably go back to talking soon, or maybe start planning their dungeon. Like they always do. Because they’re not different. They’re the same, just with something added on. Something very nice that Will can’t wait to explore. It’s such a relief.

“You know, I was right. Shouldn’t have doubted myself” Mike says later when they’re lying next to each other, stomachs aching from laughing so much.

“About what?”

He looks almost smug. “I do like kissing boys.”