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Shoto drowned when he was five years old. He was fishing with his uncle in a public fishing pond and had been waiting for hours: hoping a fish would try to feed on his hook but to no avail. Bored, he threw the fishing rod by the pond and left his uncle, who didn't realize he was gone because he was dreaming. The bright violet lotus flowers blooming around the pond swamp were so attractive to him.
Small Shoto happily grabbed a stick there and tried to use it to pick up the nearest lotus flower from its position at the end of the swamp. But it didn't work, the tree branch that he was trying to hold was not long enough. Shoto snorted angrily and then worked harder and harder. Unconsciously, the other hand grabbed the moss at the end of the pond and slipped.
Shoto moved his arms and legs frantically, trying to float in the water, but his body sank deeper and deeper. He couldn't swim and couldn't scream anymore. He was almost out of breath and his eyes were sore, so he closed his eyes and there was nothing left. He thought he was going to die, he was going to die here, at that time, at that place.
But no, luckily (or unfortunately) someone realized Shoto had drowned and jumped into the pool immediately, saving him. Of course, that man was his uncle. Shoto coughed heavily, water gushing out little by little from his quivering little mouth. He was crying, cold and scared, but his uncle tried to hug him and pat him on the shoulder to calm him down.
On the way home, Shoto's uncle bought him banana milk and nachos, two of his favorite combinations. But on the way home, his uncle kept telling Shoto not to tell his mother about his drowning. If his mother found out what happened at the pond, she might scold her brother and stop leaving Shoto to him, and stop paying him. Although Shoto didn't know why at that time, he still obeyed his uncle's instructions and nodded.
Shoto turns 20 today. Today is his birthday, but he spent his time in the hospital waiting for his prescription. Nothing serious, it's just when climbing a mountain some time ago, he fell off a cliff, and half of his left leg was pinched and numb. Fortunately, his legs can still be used for walking, although a little shaky. Shoto decided to turn his head and look around the hospital environment. He found himself staring at a figure he knew well.
A tall, thin man with pale skin took the queue number at the check-in counter. Then he leaned his back against the wall, put the small note in his wallet, and walked across the corridor where Shoto sat. While walking, the man kept his head down because he was busy looking at the screen of his phone and didn't see his surroundings. Shoto was wearing a mask, and the tall thin man was. But Shoto was sure he recognized the figure. Shoto is sure it's Vox Akuma, a classmate who was once his good friend. Once.
"Who is that?" Shoto's mother, who sat beside him, reprimanded Shoto and distracted him. "Who are you looking at?" The mother sitting beside Shoto looked over Shoto's shoulders and looked at Vox's figure.
"You know him?"
'I know him in the past, Mom.' Shoto thought. But gradually, the man he once knew became uncomfortable with his sexuality, Mom.
"Sorry Shoto, I really don't want to be like this, but it seems like we need to keep our distance because there's a lot of misunderstanding in our relationship."
"I'm not trying to be homophobic, just—I'm straight and I don't want people to have the wrong idea about my sexuality."
Oh?
Oh.
He and his friends slowly erased Shoto’s presence from his circle.
He didn't know what Vox said to their friends, but after his conversation with Vox that day, no one asked Shoto to hang out with him again. He sees them meeting, partying, playing games, and eating multiple times on Mysta's Instagram Stories, but no one invites Shoto. They kind of reject him. He was very sad and upset about it, but he kept telling himself that if he had to do it, he wouldn't be surprised because they were friends with Vox from the beginning. Shoto is their friend because Shoto is Vox's friend and they are Vox's friends. So of course, if anything happens to Vox and Shoto's relationship, they'll be on Vox's side, not Shoto's.
He actually has Fulgur and Uki, the three of them are good friends, but Uki and Fulgur later fall in love. After deciding to become a couple, Shoto began to feel distressed and hesitated about whether to go out with the two of them. He was afraid that he would only cause trouble between them.
Shoto just shook his head to answer his mother's question, then they got up from their seats and walked toward the parking lot where their car was.
Shoto's mother took off her mask, leaned on the steering wheel, and said, "I saw it on the dining table in your apartment, why don't you eat the food I cooked?"
"Yes, a little." Taking off his mask, Shoto replied softly in the passenger seat, lifeless.
"Not good? Undercooked? Or why?" Shoto's mom checked the road while checking the car's rearview mirror. There was a look of concern on his face. "I'm going to your grandmother's house this afternoon, because I have something important to do with your father's house, and we won't be able to go back to the city until tomorrow afternoon, so—sorry, I can't stay with you for too long today."
Shoto's mother used to invite him to such large family events, but this time she didn't. Shoto didn't care because he was too lazy to go to big family gatherings.
Shoto thought that this time his mother didn't invite him, maybe because she was ashamed of Shoto. Maybe it's because recently, the whole family has been hearing about Shoto's sexuality, Shoto's suicide attempt, and the mess of Shoto's college and life.
The mother watched Shoto's reaction in the rearview mirror worriedly, but the son just stared out the window with a blank expression.
Yes, whatever. Shoto said in his heart.
Shoto is tired of trying to convince his mother not to do that, but his mother doesn't seem to want to hear it and keeps waiting for Shoto to bless them both. Seven years after the divorce, Shoto's mother plans to remarry her former husband. Shoto doesn't know what makes his mother so sure to repeat the same life as the man who ruined their lives both physically and mentally. It could be that his Dad is very manipulative, or it could be that his Mom just wants something between them to improve. Shoto's mother is sure that the man has changed, and Shoto's mother is sure that this time will be different. No. Until his death, in his eyes, her former husband was still an abuser. He can't forget all the things that her former husband did to him, his mother, and the two of them that got hurt by him, but why the hell does his mother think it's all so easy to forget, never give up and accept that bad guy again and again?
His mom turned on the radio and chatted with Shoto, "Yesterday, your therapist asked you how you were, and she said you haven't come for consultation for a long time."
Shoto did not respond. Then he crossed his arms across his chest, leaned back on the passenger seat, closed his eyes, and tried to look relaxed.
"When was the last time you went to see your therapist?" Although she didn't get an answer, Shoto's mother turned down the volume on the radio and asked, "Is your therapist no longer suitable? Do you want another one? another therapist?"
Shoto immediately remembered this accident. During recess on a hot day, he got another panic attack and ran to one of the toilet stalls when he accidentally bumped into someone at the toilet door.
"I'm sorry—I'm sorry." Shoto bowed guiltily to the person he bumped into, and the short and thin elder snorted coldly. Shoto then went into a cubicle in the toilet, sat in the closet, swallowed some medicine, and tried to calm himself down and control his breathing.
"Ew," The small, scrawny man, stood in front of the toilet glass.
His friend who is about the same size as him, interjected, "Who is that?"
"He is in our major. My brother is his personal therapist. I heard from my brother that he likes to hurt himself to get people's sympathy. Attention seekers are psychopaths." Shorty told his friend, which made them both burst out laughing. Laugh at Shoto's plight.
From the corner of the toilet cubicle he was in, Shoto could hear his voice. He heard everything clearly, but he chose to stay put and do nothing. After all, Shoto isn't trying to defend itself. What needs to be defended? Everything that guy said about Shoto was true. At one point, he jumped down the stairs of his apartment, only to make his mother worry about him, asking if he was okay. He did fall off a cliff not by accident, but by attempted suicide. He is mentally ill. A psychopath who likes to hurt himself because he craves attention. A psychopath who likes to hurt himself because he wants to feel something, but he can't feel anything anymore, including pain.
Shoto slightly opened the compartment and was about to come out when someone came out of the next room and punched the short man and his friend. This caused the short man and his friend to fall to the ground.
"What are you talking about?" It turned out to be Shoto's friend Vox, in the booth next to Shoto, the man shouted.
Vox roughly grabbed the man by the collar, "What did you just say?" He is clearly scared of Vox and trying so hard to convince Vox that he didn't talk anything and didn't do anything about Shoto.
Vox has been so nice to Shoto.
Vox defended Shoto so badly.
But now, it was Vox himself who abandoned Shoto so willingly. To put a name on what Shoto feels as heartbreak is an understatement.
Shoto used to think he still had Vox and his mother, but he didn't. He suddenly realized that no one was ever really on his side.
Shoto felt that he had no one else.
Shoto doesn't want anything anymore.
Shoto didn't think of anything else.
Shoto is alone.
Shoto didn't want to be left alone, but everyone left him alone.
.They say it's darkest of all before the dawn
He doesn't usually clean his bedroom. The floor was clean, the mattress was clean, and everything was clean.
Usually, dirty clothes that haven't been washed for a long time are scattered on the floor, everywhere. But this time there were no scattered clothes - the washing machine on his balcony was making a loud noise - and he washed everything. The floor in front of the TV, always dirty this time, full of snacks, ramen noodles, and soda bottles, is now clean and tidy.
He threw it away this afternoon, took out the garbage, and went home. He also said hello to his neighbor, a middle-aged man who was irrigating plants, surprising the old man. The boy is usually not so friendly and social. He is usually disheveled, likes to lower his head, and always seems to deliberately avoid meeting other people.
Shoto looked around his room to see what was left of the mess and if there is anything he missed out. No. Everything is clean. Today, he also cleans up the mess in his life. So clean that there will be no more Shoto.
Until there are no more old Shoto.
Until there are no more current Shoto.
Until no more Shoto comes.
Shoto, after this it will just be a blank slate.
Shoto smiled at himself in the mirror. He hadn't seen himself in the mirror for a long time. He looked neat, his hair was neat, and the formal clothes he was wearing smelled clean, ironed, and looked like someone who had traveled a long way. After taking a shower (Shoto doesn't usually take a shower: it's not because he's dirty, but sometimes he doesn't have the strength to take a shower), he looks handsome and unrestrained, but his eyes are empty and his face pale is a mess. It's like there's only a mass of dead meat in there. in front of the mirror.
He tried to find his image in the reflection. However, he could not find it. When he looked in the mirror, all he saw was an overweight little Shoto, bullied by his classmates, but too weak to fight and defend himself. Shoto, the victim of abuse by his father, has an anger issue and is an alcoholic. Shoto, who are being avoided by Vox and his friends simply because Shoto has different sexual preferences. Shoto was never anyone's priority, not even his mother. All he can see in the mirror is Shoto, who once dreamed of becoming a lyricist, but now he has lost all the vocabulary he knew to write a song.
He looked sadly at the orange outside the bedroom window. Beautiful sunset, but not enough for him to choose to survive. Then his attention turned to a pair of non-heterosexual lovers seen from the window of his room. Neighbors across the house are spending their happy afternoon with their lovely pet dog.
Shoto was longing for that.
Picturing such a life.
He dreamed to marry Vox one day, have a dog together and have a happy, tear-free family. But the dream was never spoken out loud, and he kept it a secret to himself. After all, he knew very well that Vox was heterosexual, Shoto was allergic to dog hair, and a happy family without tears did not exist. It only exists in fiction.
After all, he was too sick to live a normal life like everyone else.
He left his favorite lyric book, a red and black Nintendo Switch, and his dead phone on the table. A book dedicated to his songwriting projects that haven't been completed for almost a year.
Shoto got up from his desk, walked towards the bathroom, and locked the door tightly
Shoto has suffered enough for the rest of his life. He didn't want to make himself sicker.
Shoto is now in a dark and stuffy place. His weak body slammed down on the cold, damp tiled floor of the bathtub. The water from the faucet that filled the tub continued to rise, drowning it.
slowly.
Until his breath is no longer in contact with the air. Until his whole body was completely submerged.
The bathtub in the bathroom now overflows to the corner of the floor. Shoto burst into tears. His breathing stopped. His thin body trembled.
This time, Shoto drowned again. But this time, he was fine. He's okay. Because in his opinion, this is the time. He is gone. Not sure if he will end up at the end of the light or the end of the dark. All he knew, was he just -- didn't want to feel the pain anymore.
*
Vox to Shoto
Hey, Shoto. Happy birthday!
not sent
It has been a long time since I saw you in class. Are you taking a break?
not sent
What happened?
not sent
What are you doing lately?
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Shoto, I'm sorry for what I said last time. I think there has been a lot of misunderstanding between us since that day.
not sent
I would like to invite you to meet, chat, clear up our misunderstanding, and apologize to you personally. When do you think you have time?
not sent
Shoto
not sent
Are you okay?
not sent